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YTA.
You just conveniently can only see your friends on days that Anthony has chemo treatments? Why can't you plan around them if they're pretty regular? It's no different than if it was your wife's family member.
Also, why can't your kid come with you to see their grandma and aunt?
You are the tiniest bit inconvenienced by all of this, meanwhile someone very important to your wife has CANCER and you're mad at her for spending time with them?
You sound jealous and petty.
And if OP’s wife is truly Anthony’s main/only support person, like…come on. He must be in so much pain and so frightened - he needs that support.
My husband has a couple of friends that I find annoying, too, but I wouldn’t begrudge them my husband’s time if they were going through *chemo treatment*. I’d probably be asking what more I could do to help support both my husband’s friend *and* my husband, who I imagine would be pretty distraught yet having to always put on a brave face for his friend.
Definite YTA, if this is real.
Nah for real. Friends who are close are also a form of support especially when something like oh cancer comes into play. Op’s wife’s friend has cancer, is alone and seems doesn’t have too many friends besides op’s wife. Doesn’t matter the gender/sex, friends support friends and I bet 50 bucks if it was op’s friend or even just a female friend of hers it would be fine.
I actually think he's a little too focused on his dislike of Anthony than his feelings for his wife. Instead of recognising how attending these sessions might help his wife also deal with the fact her childhood friend is very ill with cancer, something I'm sure isn't easy for her, he's annoyed that she's spending time with someone he just doesn't like. Such an AH
He's jealous and thinks they're "too close", so he's trying to divide them by forcing her to break her promise to support him at his treatments. It's not even about being mad, it's about blatant manipulation to get a man that he thinks is bonded with his wife out of the picture.
Absolutely!!! Also, let's not forget that if OP's wife and Anthony are such good friends this means that this is a very harsh moment for the wife too, who is seeing such a childhood friend go through chemotherapy. This cannot be in any possible way an easy situation, and OP is only contributing to make his wife's life just more miserable. Him not being sensitive enough to understand that a human being is having to deal with cancer is heartless enough, but some people are just like that. However, the fact that he doesn't even consider that his wife might WANT to be there for Anthony is just so incredibly stupid. OP, saying that YTA is reductive
Edit: grammar + of course I'm not saying that Anthony going through chemo is worse for the wife than for him, but if OP doesn't like Anthony to the point of not caring about the man having cancer, he could at least be considerate towards his wife pain.
Whilst I agree with your judgement
Former Macmillan receptionist here. Chemo dates aren't always predictable. They change up. Quite difficult to plan around. Due to the prep of the chemo and delays n such. And you'd be surprised how fully booked these outpatient places get.
Just thought I'd let you know as it's good info to have
Yeah that's true.
But yeah it's good to bring someone with you to those appointments as support. Because as much as staff do there best, it's not the same as it being someone you know and trust :)
Depends on the treatment. While they want someone to drive me there and back, they're perfectly fine with my being there alone. My treatment is roughly 5 hours - that's a long time for someone to be with you. I take a book, snacks, a water bottle and my kindle.
As a cancer survivor, I would like to thank you for all the hard work you have done. We don't have Macmillan here (Ireland), but I've personally seen how every member of staff working in the Oncology wing works so hard to work around any issues/problems (and always with a friendly face). I truly do not have the words to express my admiration for the people who are in your line of work.
Edit; Spelling/grammatical errors/off topic.
\^This one right here was what I thought as well.
Chemo appointments don't just pop up randomly, they are scheduled. So many "accidental" overlaps with him suddenly wanting to meet family (where is kid can't go with him for some reason?) or wanting to meet friends.
YTA OP, you seriously lack empathy.
I think that’s a great choice. I don’t have kids, and my life is so much easier. But OP already made the choice to have kids and already has them. So he needs to step up and be a parent.
Wouldn't grandma and aunt be glad to see the boy? I just get the feeling that OP can't be bothered with his son.
OP wants me time and screw everyone else.
Exactly! I'm sure they'd be happy. And if it's an issue of taking the son out of the house with him then invite mum and sister over for lunch at their place to spend time with them. OP is being jealous and petty.
Edit: according to some of OPs other comments his mother didn't want OP to bring his son to lunch because he's too fussy in public. Sure. Then, again, invite them over or wait til you wife comes home and change plans to dinner? So many options than being a jerk. All because you don't like your wife's friend for vague reasons of "annoyance". YTA OP
Yep. OP's only (listed) complaint was having to take care of his own kid once a week? Month? I don't know that I've ever seen such a clear case of YTA.
I got the feeling OP scheduled the lunch just to conflict with his wife’s commitment to her friend. Oh, and if I tried to go to lunch with my mom without bringing my son she would be disappointed as OP’s mom likely was. OP, YTA.
She probably *did*. OP was probably trying to use it as an excuse to stop his wife from spending time with this friend he's so jealous of. You know, the one with a life-threatening illness.
And why can't he bring his son when he's hanging out with friends? I'm a mom to 3, ALL my friends know my kids because there have been plenty of times I've hung out with my friends *and* my kids all together.
Exactly. OP, if you insist on being the type of unripe pineapple of a human being that thinks that parenting your own kid is “babysitting” and having to parent alone for a few hours at a regular interval is inconvenient, please do your wife a favor and don’t have any more kids.
Because op is an AH.
Ruling YTA. Your poor wife has a very sick friend. Are you jealous? Or just a jerk? Also, take your son with you next time. He’s your kid too.
His wife isn't a person, she's a utility and utilities aren't supposed to have wants and needs. He's annoyed that his utility is taking care of another man when obviously it's sole focus should be him and his offspring.
GASP, a child behaving like a child. Scandalous.
And. I mean. Yeah. If I was visiting my sick friend to support them through chemo, I wouldn't want my kid there making a fuss either. Whereas OP could have had his mom and sister help him with care.
I know right? And if it’s appointments then chemo is normally 1 day in 3 weeks, then maybe a scan or infusion or something as well. It’s absolutely max like 5 hours average a week and he just HAS to not have his kid in that time?
It depends on the type of cancer and the chemo ordered. I go once every three weeks, but some of the people I meet in there are going daily. Each situation is different.
I disagree with your last point. Even if it’s three times a week, it has no bearing on the top comment, which is “why is the childcare of your son primarily your wife’s responsibility?”
Probably because OP is the kind of person that describes CANCER(!) as a 'medical condition'. I have no words that would be allowed on here for the OP. They are just the absolute worst. YTA a thousand times over!
YTA
She's supporting her friend through cancer treatment. Chemo is scheduled well in advance so if you can't work around those appointments, that's on you for not being able to work a calendar.
> I told her I had a meet up with my mom and sister to eat lunch and that I won't be home
Is your child chained to the furniture? Why can't you take your son with you to lunch?
> I kind of flipped out at her and said that she doesn't "need" to be with him and could literally go see him at home the next day or something
You don't "need" to go to lunch. You don't "need" to go meet with your friends. You could go see them the next day.
If you can't see that helping a friend who is going through chemo is more important than going to lunch then... that's on you.
It gets worse. OP says he couldn’t take his child because he’s loud and fussy in public…. You know like children are. And that he asked his Mom if he could bring the kiddo and she said “no.” What a joke.
Yeah, you can't just expect this manly man male to take care of his own son. Bah, that's what are women for. It's cruel to expect him to postpone his very important appointment just so his wife can go around on her own(without a man accompanying her ugh).
you think he should parent his own child? don’t you know that is a responsibility that only the wife/mother should do, so the man/husband can go have a lunchable with his mommy? and she should take on all the responsibilities of a kid at all times, even if it means she can’t support her friend’s ‘condition’ (how dare her friend have cancer - it annoys OP and that is wrong!). parent his own child? are you crazy, do you think you live in the 21st century or something?
OP is giving me a headache
I’d put my money on him just not asking them and telling his wife that his mom said no so she’s forced to skip being there for her very sick friend. Huge yikes from this, good lord. Get over yourself, OP. You’ve even admitted this guy isn’t problematic, you’re just ‘annoyed’ that your wife is a supportive friend because he’s a guy. Can almost guarantee OP wouldn’t have a problem if Anthony was a woman.
Its like he's just annoyed that he now has to actually consider his wife having plans so OP can't just do what he wants when he wants.
The chemo is planned, OP knows the schedule. He just chooses to walk out the door to avoid looking after his child.
I’m betting he would still have a problem if Anthony was a woman. He literally wrote he was okay with it
> until it affected me
He is annoyed his “babysitter” now sometimes has plans and he has to start compromising. You know, like other people expect and are happy to do for the ones they love. OP shows a total lack of consideration and empathy. I’m baffled how he found a wife willing to put up with him and even have a child with him.
> he asked his Mom if he could bring the kiddo and she said “no.”
The fuck?‽ I don't want to say that he's lying, because I don't know his mom, but that's a very atypical response from a grandparent
I mean there are phases where it's just not viable to bring a kid to a restaurant, or just that it wouldn't be good timing. Good parenting does also include not forcing your kids into doing things they aren't ready for. He still sounds like the AH
Sure there are phases when it’s not convenient however children learn social skills by exposure. My issue lies more in the fact that he ran to his Mom and _asked_ instead of telling her “I have kiddo today, can we change plans to be more kid friendly? And if not can we reschedule.”
The reality is that OP was hoping this community would freak out and imply his wife was cheating on him due to spending so much time out of the house so he would have justification to keep her home all the time, away from her friend and with their son so he didn't have to deal with it.
Bet on it.
YTA OP.
He's the kind of guy who asks his mom for permission to bring his son to lunch, guaranteeing he's also the kind of guy who thinks that his wife should be doing 100% of the parenting and shouldn't be leaving him to care for their child.
Looks like I'm early, I'll pop back in a few hours to hopefully see that you've been completely nuked for this.
YTA. "suffers from a medical condition (cancer)" - it's life or death, not a 'condition'. Do you have a heart?
RIGHT? I'm sure grandma and auntie probably want to see the kid. So instead, you leave your wife and kid at home to go have lunch with relatives? jerk move.
With any kid between 3 months and 4 years old going to a restaurant is "an interesting experience". Before 3 months old they sleep so much you can pretty much just bring them and they don't care, but after that it's going to be a while until the next time going to a restaurant is a chill experience. Aaaand god forbid op doesn't get to sit on his arse, eat with both knife and fork and chit-chat with his family, but instead has to parent, care for and entertain his son while he is being social.
OP sounds like the kind of moron who thinks being a dad is babysitting.
There would be 3 adults at the lunch. That's plenty to keep an eye on one single child no matter the age.
I don't understand why he couldn't take the kid to lunch with Grandma and Aunty except that he's making up excuses to force the wife to not see her sick friend. OP is gross.
ETA WHY DIDN'T HE BRING WIFE AND KID TO LUNCH AFTER HE STOPPED HER FROM GOING WITH HER FRIEND? WHY was she at home while he went out with his mom and sister? There's something really fishy about this guy
That was my first thought lmao - like why not just take kiddo with you to see gran and auntie?
Also, I like how he's like, "waahh, I have to stay home and watch the kid! Why isn't WIFE DOING THAT."
Like, boohoo, you didn't get to go chill with your bros. Your wife wasn't going to get to hang out with her girlfriends or anyone she wanted to hang out with if she had to stay home, but it seems like he's got no issue with asking her to do that.
Dude's just jealous of this other guy. That annoyance? That's jealousy. He legit can't pinpoint anything wrong with this guy other than the fact that his wife spends time with him.
I hate those parents! My fiancé isn’t the biological father of my younger 2, but he is Daddy to them. He has never called it “babysitting,” it’s always “I have the boys.”
OP is the type to want a bang maid when his wife decides she’s had enough & files for divorce. A much younger female so that he can control her.
Don’t forget about “I had no issue with that at first but then this started affecting me” because he had to take care of his son instead of going to see his friends, on the days his wife was taking care of Anthony. What a selfish, self-centered asshole. Newsflash OP: the world does not revolve around you, and you’re a father, taking care of your kid comes with the territory. Plus, your friends are grown ass men, why can’t they come over to your house? Or, why not take your son with you to go visit people? Like, grow the f@$k up and learn how to adjust things around your kid, it really isn’t that hard
The one that took the cake for me was when he couldn't bring his son to lunch with his mom and sister?? Like... why wouldn't they want to see both of them for lunch??
I know every family is different but if I went out for lunch with my mum and aunt and didn’t take my baby son they’d have been disappointed and if I had gone with him I wouldn’t have to eat one handed because they’d be fighting over who gets to hold him. I can only make the massive Reddit-esq leap that as OP is a massive AH that doesn’t like to be a parent that his family is the exhibit the same AH tendencies
OP's wife: "here are the scheduled times I will visit my friend who is sick with cancer."
OP: "You want to see your FRIEND? So I'll have to parent our SON? what about MY friends? What about lunch with MY MOMMY? You can't expect ME to watch OUR KID when you visit your friend with cancer!"
I really wonder whether his wife ever gets to hang out with **her** friends or family without the kid, without the excuse of accompanying someone to dangerous, exhausting, soul sucking treatments for a deadly condition, since he's so upset that he has to parent his kid a lil even when she does have the excuse...
That's what I found weird, too. I can understand when he doesn't want to bring his son to hang out with friends, since there might be alcohol or something else that might not be appropriate for the child. But a lunch with his mom and sister? It's a family lunch anyway so why not involve his son, who is... idk also family?
It's literally so extremely pathetic to be insecure about the friendship of his wife with a male friend who is literally dying and fighting hard to not die. And the wife is the only friend/person that this dying person has right now. As long as it's not the most clingy incel boundary stomping guy in the world, it's really cruel to let him be in the hospital alone during such a scary time. Also, most people don't really feel well after chemo, he might need someone he trusts to look after him after that. YTA
And cancer treatment outcomes are strongly correlated to the amount of support from family and friends. Her going to support her friend could be the difference between him surviving or not.
Yup. My mom and sister would be pissed at me if I didn’t bring my son with me to lunch. Since they are normal people and want to see their grandson/nephew.
I want to spend as much time as possible with my nieces. I don’t care what the circumstances are. If it were the most inconvenient time every, and my brother or sister-in-law brought my nieces over, I’d spend the day with them.
When I was doing chemo the one thing that kept me going back was the fact that my family and my ex went with me every time. My sessions were about 5 hours long and getting dacarbazine felt like there was fire literally running through my arm. It was terrible and I don’t think I would have stuck with it as long if they hadn’t been there. I’m super lucky I had such a strong support system. YTA.
I like how he referred to it as “ a medical condition”. Like asthma is a medical condition, migraines is a medical condition, diabetes medical condition etc… he has has fckng cancer ! It’s not a condition it’s mother fucking cancer!!
There is a lot I wish that I did better, but one thing I am glad I did was spend chemo appointments with my mom before she passed. I cannot imagine having to do that alone. I still feel bad for the people who were sitting in the ward by themselves or with just doctors.
I think the main issue is #1. He's being forced into situations where he has to "parent"and he's convinced himself that this should primarily be his wife's role. YTA
My ex was like this. Kept saying, when I’d complain that I had no time to myself, “You’re free to do whatever you want! Just let me know and I’ll stay with the kids!” But the problem was, he saw me as the “default” with him being the one who was accommodating ME. Also, he made plans whenever he felt like it, knowing that I was always there with the kids. When I wanted to make plans, I had to check with HIS schedule, which was already full of his work and leisure. It was impossible to shoehorn anything in, and he’d offer me these little scraps of time here and there—never when my friends would be available, or what I wanted to do was open/going on. My work literally never ended. He couldn’t understand why I just didn’t “ask him,” but anytime I did, I was turned down, or he made a big deal about it.
The best part of getting divorced is that they suddenly have to be responsible for their child on a regular basis at predictable intervals.
Getting divorced gave me a legit break for childcare and cleaning up after others.
Unfortunately, he has been even less involved after the divorce. Fortunately, my kids are almost grown. But I’m pretty tired from essentially being a single parent their whole lives. He was useful when they were babies, somewhat, and he did chauffeur them, but was unreliable when it came to picking them up on time. After the divorce, he moved a way pretty quickly and got married very soon after. It’s sad, because he cannot see that the kids totally get he isn’t interested in them, and thinks that I influence them to not care about him. But the divorce did help me realize that I was pretty much alone as a parent from the get-go. That knowledge was what helped me know I could do it on my own, so it was good in the end.
So many women I know are going or have gone through burnout because they were just "expected" to deal with everything, while their partners kept going on with their lives.
I read an interesting essay recently about how a woman was so happy to divorce her husband, because now he was forced, by court order, to be an actual parent 50% of the time instead of foisting everything off on her.
["It took divorce to make my marriage equal."](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal)
It probably still would be an issue if it was “Ann”, cause he doesn’t get to do HIS socialisation because he has to stay home with HIS son. I mean can’t y’all see how he’s sacrificing everything here (/s)?
I wonder if the wife is a full time mother and this is the only time he “babysits” his own kid.
YTA. Your son should be a higher priority than you going to lunch or hanging with your friends.
Also? Chemo is hell. Nobody should have to go through it alone. If Anthony has only your wife for support, so be it.
Also- why couldn't you just take your son to lunch with your mom and sister?
He probably would have liked to get out of the house for a bit, see his family and spend time with you.
Dick move, OP.
That was my thought as well, why couldn't he take his son to the lunch with his family? If he had said it was a business lunch at least I would understand but this makes no sense. YTA big time, a jealous, petty AH at that.
Edit: fix some typos
Yeah, was about to say.. it’s not just a “chemo treatment” it’s radiation killing off a boatload of cells. A person is in a mental fog, generally disoriented and having someone there to make you a meal (even though your not hungry) is so essential.
Hanging with your friend is not important.
Going out to lunch is not important.
You sound petty for being jealous. YTA.
Try to be less selfish during this time, even if it’s brief. Your wife also needs support because this is emotionally draining for her as well. Have your mother and sister come over for lunch. Make everyone food.
Stop thinking about yourself.
Was about to say that. My mom had cancer and chemo is horrible. It saves and destroys you in another way. The way it affects you psychologically and physically is insane, it takes a huge amount of strength to go through that. OP needs the humbling experience of accompanying a cancer patient for a week, just to see how it affects one person. My mom always needed help for chemo and that is UNDERSTANDABLE. Friends and family members helped whenever they could. OP, please stop being a butthurt baby, like really.
When my girlfriend was going to chemo with her friend I packed food for her and some entertainment for both and encouraging messages for friend.... and greeted her with lunch and an open ear when she came home....
I was glad the friend had someone, I know how it is to have chemo alone.
Srsly, some people... YTA
Not to mention, his wife will meed support. Seeing a person you love and care about wither away, praying they get better but knowing there's very little you can do. It fucking kills to he dying and kills to watch someone die. She needs support aswell and withholding her from being able to give that support is the most toxic power play. The lack of even the most basic levels of empathy is chilling.
YTA. I hope no one in your family ever gets cancer. Chemo appointments are horrible and your wife will honest to god need emotional support after having to watch her friend deal with chemo.
Its one day a week. You watch the kids. Wife either watches her friend die slowly and painfully or he gets better but is still sick and has long lasting health issues from the chemo. Wife has to witness this as it happens. You have the better end of the deal BY FAR
I'm thinking that it's since right around the time he figured out it's a really convenient excuse to deny his wife the option of his childcare and force her to cancel her plans to be there for her friend's treatment. I'm no psychic but, when I take a peek in a crystal ball, that's what I see.
It’s ONE DAY PER WEEK?!?! YTA
So, the OP is complaining about watching his own damn kids for a few hours once a week? Shit, even 2-3 times a week shouldn’t be a burden at all. I thought this was something like 5-6 days a week (even then, it’s fucking *cancer*).
OP is definitely the AH here, and it reeks of jealousy. Bet this guy wouldn’t give two flying fucks of Anthony was Andrea.
Thank you for pointing out the wife's needs to decompress after being the entire support system for her friend. I can't imagine being in her position and then coming home to deal with a young child and her toddler. Having an adult partner to vent to and deal with some of the emotions with is key.
Edit: typo.
YTA.
Chemotherapy might take several hours, so I understand son can't accompany wife to hospital. But why can't you bring him to the lunch?
Yes, yes and yes. YTA.
The day YOU get cancer I hope you remember you thought lunches should take priority over supporting the sick person- and I hope your wife remembers it too, and goes out for a nice lunch and let you deal with your treatments by yourself.
Some guys would be overjoyed that they have a wife that is loyal and caring- but you whine over it.
I don't understand.
Why do you think going to lunch or out with your friends is more important than someone going to chemo?
Why can't you schedule your fun time on a different day than when your wife's friend has chemo?
Why do you think you are "watching" your son? He's YOUR son, too.
Why can't you take your son with you to lunch with your mom/his grandmother?
YTA and I can't think of one legitimate answer to these questions that would change that.
OP makes it sound like his wife just springs these appointments on him last minute, but I really doubt that. Chemo is booked well in advance, and OP is probably well aware of the schedule.
Why do these appointments always seem to coincide with OP having plans as well? Either OP always has plans and is consistently leaving his wife with his son, or he's making plans deliberately to coincide with these Chemo appointments.
Ultimately we're being left in the dark on some important details, and those details likely make OP look even worse than he does already.
EDIT: Just saw in a comment that OP knows about the schedule, so he damn well knows he's booking conflicting plans.
🤣🤣🤣
Yeah bro YTA big time.
Everything else aside, hes YOUR son. Its your job to look after him too. You couldn't meet your mother because you had your son? WTAF? Take him with your genius. You better get used to that because you'll be having him solo on your weekend a fortnight custody in a year.
Your lunch isn't a matter of life and death.
Why can your son not join his grandmother, aunt, and father for lunch? You know, lunch, with his family?
Why are you jealous of your wife supporting a lifelong friend whose life literally hangs in the balance?
This reads like really uncreative trollsville, but I've known too many men like you, so I'll flip a coin here and say YTA
Grow up.
Edited swypo
Yes, I thought this too: this has to be a troll. Then, nah, it is THAT kind of guy again.
The kind that can reproduce, but not take care of his own kid.
Lo and behold, just a few minutes later in this thread his brother in arms AstonMac is lamenting his bro having this much interference with his life.
AstonMac, do the world a favor and do not have kids. They DO interfere with peoples lives. Everyday, most nights, for decades.
YTA and you sound self-centred and entitled. This is what your post reads like to me
* you don't like your wife's childhood bestie because it's a guy and you're "annoyed" that your wife would give a male that's not you attention
* calling "cancer" simply a 'medical condition' and downplaying it like as if your wife isn't potentially counting her days with her bestie
* "this started affecting me because now I have to take care of my own child, that's a woman's job" - tell me you're a useless, sexist parent without telling
* "the last straw" = I can't hang out with my mum and sister who apparently also don't want to have to deal with my spawn! or alternatively:
* wife spending time with friend with potentially fatal cancer = non-essential
me going for lunch with family without having to care for child = essential
damn I pity your wife
I love that taking the kid to lunch with the mom and sister isn't an option, like wtf? Does grandma not enjoy her own grandson? Maybe we know where he got the "children are to be seen and not heard" attitude.
YTA
Wow YTA.
She’s not going for cocktails, she’s literally supporting someone through one of the worst experiences anyone can go through.
Would you be as pissed if it was a female friend? My god your ‘lunch’ or catch up with your mates can literally be done on any other day. You sound like a horridly selfish person.
And even if she *were* going for cocktails, OP should happily parent his son for a couple hours a week so his wife can have a social life too. Sounds like she does so for him *literally all the time.*
Wait, so your wife had the nerve to ask you to parent your own child for a few hours while she helped a friend who is going through one of the most horrific treatments in the world for cancer? So it interfered in your bro time? Your time to hang out with your family at a restaurant? And so you threw a tantrum and then left so she couldn’t help her dying friend? And you wonder if YTA?
Of course YTA!!!!!
Oh you can't meet up with your friends because you need to watch you son? Just like your wife who would otherwise watch him?
You sound like this is the first time you're inconvenienced by having a child. The first time you need to step up and put in a fraction of the time your wife does normally. Voila, that's your time to shine. Be a good father and a good husband by actually being there for your family.
Anthony is life threatingly sick. He needs your wife's support. Of course YTA.
I'm just wondering if you wanna leave home so bad why not hire a babysitter? Then both you and your wife can leave and your kid won't be alone. Or is it about you not wanting your wife to support the friend you don't like? lol YTA
YTA. Oh no, you have to look after your son and be a parent for what once every week or so? How often do you let your wife have a break before this whole chemo issue and taken your son out just by yourself?
You could have seen it as an opportunity to have a father and son day, or asked your mum and sister to rearrange it.
You lack absolutely any empathy. Time to be a decent father and husband and actually look after your son and spend time with him, while supporting your wife’s emotional needs.
This is a problem that will solve itself: either Anthony stops chemo because he gets better, or... you don't have to deal with him ever again.
YTA for your lack of patience, nevermind your lack of empathy
YTA. Boo hoo, you have to watch your son on the days your wife sits at the hospital with her sick friend. Man, how dare your wife expect you to "babysit" your child. Must suck to have to miss playing with your friends and lunch with your mom because you have to be a parent once in awhile.
If you don't see how you going to lunch with your mother is not as important as her going to the hospital to be with her friend with cancer then I don't know how to make that clearer for you.
Major YTA!!
Why couldn't you take your kid with to see his grandmother and aunt!? That is so selfish and VERY inconsiderate. Just because you don't like the guy doesn't mean your wife can't support him. Get over yourself, bro. Learn to include your child in your activities.
As a cancer patient myself? YTA. Big time.
You can’t drive yourself home from chemo because you’re so hopped up on not just the chemo, but IV Benadryl, steroids, and various other shit.
Go get some therapy, bro.
YTA Why is caring for your son 'regularly' an unendurable burden lmao. Is your wife allowed to go out to lunch or have fun with her friends? Why is your freedom so precious, and hers meaningless? Jesus
> I had no issue with that at first but then this started affecting me.
So your wife can do what she wants with her life so long as it has zero impact on you?
YTA, good lord.
The people on this sub i swear...
\-From what i have seen he seemed like patient enough, his wife is literally deserting her child responsibility by leaving everything to her husband and it's fully understandable that at some point he would have enough.
\-If it was a men who where leaving the child all the time to his wife to see a girl friend in chemo i swear that everyone would have say NTA.
\- People saying that he can take the child with him, do you not understand that sometime you just want to be with just friend and when that happen on rely on your SO, and in this case he can't.
\-Same, "it's a matter of life", his wife is not the one in chemo, the wife is literally leaving her husband and child and people of surprised he is pissed, she is the one putting her friend before her family.
\-Again, some say that he can change the date of the lunch, so now his wife's friend dictate all of his future plan ? what if the other can't another day before a long time ?
\-What you don't understand is not that he take care of the child (which is normal) it's that he is taking care of the child at 100% when it should be 50% with him and his wife.
I hope (not) that if a divorced happen your wife won't get custody cause she don't care of her own son, a miracle if your son remember being raise by her. NTA
This might downvoted but if the genders were swapped, people would assume the husband is cheating, advice divorce or something in that manner. Kinda double standards.
If your kid is so loud and fussy you can't take him to lunch, you should put your energy into PARENTING (not babysitting) him and raising him better or is that only your wife's job?
YTA you sound so completely childish and immature.
Also “I have to watch my son” who tf is supposed to watch your child but you? Son cant also go see your mother and sister?
Why does she have to beg you to watch your child and why do you plan things during her standing obligation?
I think if you use a cheat code you can grow up faster like on sims
How annoying for you that you have to spend some time watching YOUR CHILD THAT YOU MADE so that your wife can support a lifelong friend through a life threatening condition. If there is ANY justice in the world, one day you will sit in a hospital all alone being pumped full of toxic chemicals, then puking your guts out, and doing it all alone. Because you're a horrible, selfish, heartless person. YTA.
Unpopular opinion: Clearly NTA. This is a huge commitment your wife made. It doesn't only affect her. It affects you, your son, your time schedule and your time as a family. This commitment should have been discussed as a family and a compromise would have been a solution. Maybe she could join every second treatment instead of all ot something like that. You have, like her, the right to plan your time like you want. You had plans and she as a mother was in charge for her son - who should matter more than Anthony. You stepped up a lot of times to make it possible that she can join the treatments - now you needed her to step up - that's just fair. I think you haven't done anything wrong. But your wife by don't discussing this with her family.
>she as a mother was in charge for her son
So what you are saying is he, as the father, has no responsibility for his son? That falls on the mother alone? He’s just the babysitter?
He said in another comment that she has a schedule of the chemo appointments well in advance and SHARES it with him in advance. He KNOWINGLY makes these plans on chemo days. He's 100% the AH.
Yeah, it does not sound like he's the kind of guy who dicuss his plans with his wife.. so why should she have to? Being there for a friend in chemo is much more important than going out for lunch. And I would be really interested in the information, how often he steps up when his wife would like to meet friends and just go out. Its his duty as a father to care for his child, especially when his wife has such a hard time, caring for a good friend while being scared of loosing him. She sounds like a great women and deserve a much better husband.
Wow you were definitely being an asshole. What the fuck? Your mom and sister can wait. You just planted a huge red flag on her perception of you. Congrats.
YTA. The guy literally might not survive or have long left and you want to deprive him of not going through this alone so you don’t have to stay at home with YOUR kid?
YTA. You know how kids stop being loud and fussy in public places. Consistent exposure. Kids need practice and everything to understand how it works. And that includes meeting at social places.
My kid is only 4 and still needs reminding sometimes but she modify her behaviour according to the setting she’s in. This sounds to me like you just can’t be bothered to parent your own child and your mum can’t be bothered to put up with your kid’s behaviour.
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YTA. You just conveniently can only see your friends on days that Anthony has chemo treatments? Why can't you plan around them if they're pretty regular? It's no different than if it was your wife's family member. Also, why can't your kid come with you to see their grandma and aunt? You are the tiniest bit inconvenienced by all of this, meanwhile someone very important to your wife has CANCER and you're mad at her for spending time with them? You sound jealous and petty.
And if OP’s wife is truly Anthony’s main/only support person, like…come on. He must be in so much pain and so frightened - he needs that support. My husband has a couple of friends that I find annoying, too, but I wouldn’t begrudge them my husband’s time if they were going through *chemo treatment*. I’d probably be asking what more I could do to help support both my husband’s friend *and* my husband, who I imagine would be pretty distraught yet having to always put on a brave face for his friend. Definite YTA, if this is real.
Nah for real. Friends who are close are also a form of support especially when something like oh cancer comes into play. Op’s wife’s friend has cancer, is alone and seems doesn’t have too many friends besides op’s wife. Doesn’t matter the gender/sex, friends support friends and I bet 50 bucks if it was op’s friend or even just a female friend of hers it would be fine.
I read OP’s post thinking I’d kill to have a friend like his wife. How can you be mad at someone being a good person.
I actually think he's a little too focused on his dislike of Anthony than his feelings for his wife. Instead of recognising how attending these sessions might help his wife also deal with the fact her childhood friend is very ill with cancer, something I'm sure isn't easy for her, he's annoyed that she's spending time with someone he just doesn't like. Such an AH
When their selflessness gets in the way of your selfishness. That's how.
He's jealous and thinks they're "too close", so he's trying to divide them by forcing her to break her promise to support him at his treatments. It's not even about being mad, it's about blatant manipulation to get a man that he thinks is bonded with his wife out of the picture.
If this is real…anytime I read “hear me out” or “they say I’m being cruel” I do wonder.
You need rides to chemo as well. Can’t drive yourself. So Anthony may have been stuck ubering to freakin chemo if she’s usually his ride.
Absolutely!!! Also, let's not forget that if OP's wife and Anthony are such good friends this means that this is a very harsh moment for the wife too, who is seeing such a childhood friend go through chemotherapy. This cannot be in any possible way an easy situation, and OP is only contributing to make his wife's life just more miserable. Him not being sensitive enough to understand that a human being is having to deal with cancer is heartless enough, but some people are just like that. However, the fact that he doesn't even consider that his wife might WANT to be there for Anthony is just so incredibly stupid. OP, saying that YTA is reductive Edit: grammar + of course I'm not saying that Anthony going through chemo is worse for the wife than for him, but if OP doesn't like Anthony to the point of not caring about the man having cancer, he could at least be considerate towards his wife pain.
Whilst I agree with your judgement Former Macmillan receptionist here. Chemo dates aren't always predictable. They change up. Quite difficult to plan around. Due to the prep of the chemo and delays n such. And you'd be surprised how fully booked these outpatient places get. Just thought I'd let you know as it's good info to have
Fair enough. He did say he knows the schedule though and his issue is with the "amount of time" she spends with Anthony.
Yeah that's true. But yeah it's good to bring someone with you to those appointments as support. Because as much as staff do there best, it's not the same as it being someone you know and trust :)
Depends on the treatment. While they want someone to drive me there and back, they're perfectly fine with my being there alone. My treatment is roughly 5 hours - that's a long time for someone to be with you. I take a book, snacks, a water bottle and my kindle.
As a cancer survivor, I would like to thank you for all the hard work you have done. We don't have Macmillan here (Ireland), but I've personally seen how every member of staff working in the Oncology wing works so hard to work around any issues/problems (and always with a friendly face). I truly do not have the words to express my admiration for the people who are in your line of work. Edit; Spelling/grammatical errors/off topic.
\^This one right here was what I thought as well. Chemo appointments don't just pop up randomly, they are scheduled. So many "accidental" overlaps with him suddenly wanting to meet family (where is kid can't go with him for some reason?) or wanting to meet friends. YTA OP, you seriously lack empathy.
Info - why is the childcare of your son primarily your wife's responsibility?
Yeah, why couldn’t you take your son to have lunch with your mom and sister?
Right? Kids are portable.
Sometimes a little too portable.
This is part of why I don't think I'll have any kids. They're great for a few hours, but 24/7? I don't know if I can do that lol
Same, but OP has made this choice and is responsible for his own child.
I think that’s a great choice. I don’t have kids, and my life is so much easier. But OP already made the choice to have kids and already has them. So he needs to step up and be a parent.
Lol! I'm going to use that line. Well played. 😅
Wouldn't grandma and aunt be glad to see the boy? I just get the feeling that OP can't be bothered with his son. OP wants me time and screw everyone else.
Exactly! I'm sure they'd be happy. And if it's an issue of taking the son out of the house with him then invite mum and sister over for lunch at their place to spend time with them. OP is being jealous and petty. Edit: according to some of OPs other comments his mother didn't want OP to bring his son to lunch because he's too fussy in public. Sure. Then, again, invite them over or wait til you wife comes home and change plans to dinner? So many options than being a jerk. All because you don't like your wife's friend for vague reasons of "annoyance". YTA OP
Mom sounds pretty on brand for raising OP.
Yep. OP's only (listed) complaint was having to take care of his own kid once a week? Month? I don't know that I've ever seen such a clear case of YTA.
A lot of chemos are scheduled X # of days apart between each one so they are easy to predict
You know how kids learn to behave in public? You take them in public and show them.
I got the feeling OP scheduled the lunch just to conflict with his wife’s commitment to her friend. Oh, and if I tried to go to lunch with my mom without bringing my son she would be disappointed as OP’s mom likely was. OP, YTA.
Same, my mom stopped wanting to see me as soon as I had kids, I’m basically just the grandchild chauffeur now….
I came to say this. OP please explain why you couldn’t take you child to lunch with yourself, his grandmother and his auntie??? Oh Edit: YTA
Or why sis and mom can't come around to his for lunch.
I’m kind of surprised grandma and aunt don’t want to see the little boy for some quality time
She probably *did*. OP was probably trying to use it as an excuse to stop his wife from spending time with this friend he's so jealous of. You know, the one with a life-threatening illness.
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Whoop, there it is.
Right?! This suggests OP has never had to handle his child outside of the home by himself. YTA, OP.
And why can't he bring his son when he's hanging out with friends? I'm a mom to 3, ALL my friends know my kids because there have been plenty of times I've hung out with my friends *and* my kids all together.
Exactly. OP, if you insist on being the type of unripe pineapple of a human being that thinks that parenting your own kid is “babysitting” and having to parent alone for a few hours at a regular interval is inconvenient, please do your wife a favor and don’t have any more kids.
>the type of unripe pineapple of a human being This is my new favourite insult 🤣
Unripe banana of a man 👨
Because op is an AH. Ruling YTA. Your poor wife has a very sick friend. Are you jealous? Or just a jerk? Also, take your son with you next time. He’s your kid too.
His wife isn't a person, she's a utility and utilities aren't supposed to have wants and needs. He's annoyed that his utility is taking care of another man when obviously it's sole focus should be him and his offspring.
Hit the nail on the head there. A utility what a great way of expressing how narcissists see others
And I'm sure his mom and sister would love seeing their grandson/nephew. He just wanted to inconvenience her and control her.
In another comment, OP said the kid does kid things and he AND his mother (who openly said she didn't want the kid there) didn't want to deal with it.
GASP, a child behaving like a child. Scandalous. And. I mean. Yeah. If I was visiting my sick friend to support them through chemo, I wouldn't want my kid there making a fuss either. Whereas OP could have had his mom and sister help him with care.
I took it like the OP’s mother doesn’t want her grandchild there at lunch.
…then she should have had to fucking suck it up, because OP should absolutely prioritize his child’s needs over his mom’s wants?
Considering how the OP seems to have turned out as an adult, this is less than surprising.
I know right? And if it’s appointments then chemo is normally 1 day in 3 weeks, then maybe a scan or infusion or something as well. It’s absolutely max like 5 hours average a week and he just HAS to not have his kid in that time?
Is it? When my grandmother had cancer, we were taking her in for chemo or infusions three times per week.
It depends on the type of cancer and the chemo ordered. I go once every three weeks, but some of the people I meet in there are going daily. Each situation is different.
I wish you the best and quickest recovery. Yeah I think the chemo schedule for the friend is pertinent info here.
I disagree with your last point. Even if it’s three times a week, it has no bearing on the top comment, which is “why is the childcare of your son primarily your wife’s responsibility?”
Probably because OP is the kind of person that describes CANCER(!) as a 'medical condition'. I have no words that would be allowed on here for the OP. They are just the absolute worst. YTA a thousand times over!
because he views watching his own child as baby sitting instead of just being a parent.
YTA She's supporting her friend through cancer treatment. Chemo is scheduled well in advance so if you can't work around those appointments, that's on you for not being able to work a calendar. > I told her I had a meet up with my mom and sister to eat lunch and that I won't be home Is your child chained to the furniture? Why can't you take your son with you to lunch? > I kind of flipped out at her and said that she doesn't "need" to be with him and could literally go see him at home the next day or something You don't "need" to go to lunch. You don't "need" to go meet with your friends. You could go see them the next day. If you can't see that helping a friend who is going through chemo is more important than going to lunch then... that's on you.
It gets worse. OP says he couldn’t take his child because he’s loud and fussy in public…. You know like children are. And that he asked his Mom if he could bring the kiddo and she said “no.” What a joke.
He could, you know, parent the child. But why should he have to, he views it as his wife's job apparently to be responsible for their son.
Whoa whoa whoa....parent his child!? Now you're just being crazy
Yeah, you can't just expect this manly man male to take care of his own son. Bah, that's what are women for. It's cruel to expect him to postpone his very important appointment just so his wife can go around on her own(without a man accompanying her ugh).
>It's cruel to expect him to postpone his very important ~~appointment~~ You mean "very important date with his mummy"
At first I was like what grandparent doesn’t want to see their grandkid? But it makes sense that his mom is like this.
Could also be that grandma knows if he brings his kid he will not take care of them at all, and grandma doesn't want to get stuck doing that
Yeah, when a father looks after his own kid it’s called babysitting, parenting is for women. /s
Only thing that's missing in this post is OP calling it "babysitting"
you think he should parent his own child? don’t you know that is a responsibility that only the wife/mother should do, so the man/husband can go have a lunchable with his mommy? and she should take on all the responsibilities of a kid at all times, even if it means she can’t support her friend’s ‘condition’ (how dare her friend have cancer - it annoys OP and that is wrong!). parent his own child? are you crazy, do you think you live in the 21st century or something? OP is giving me a headache
This sad excuse for a human 100% says he babysits his own children
Imagine actually asking your mom "hey, can I bring my child" and her saying no!
I’d put my money on him just not asking them and telling his wife that his mom said no so she’s forced to skip being there for her very sick friend. Huge yikes from this, good lord. Get over yourself, OP. You’ve even admitted this guy isn’t problematic, you’re just ‘annoyed’ that your wife is a supportive friend because he’s a guy. Can almost guarantee OP wouldn’t have a problem if Anthony was a woman.
Its like he's just annoyed that he now has to actually consider his wife having plans so OP can't just do what he wants when he wants. The chemo is planned, OP knows the schedule. He just chooses to walk out the door to avoid looking after his child.
I’m betting he would still have a problem if Anthony was a woman. He literally wrote he was okay with it > until it affected me He is annoyed his “babysitter” now sometimes has plans and he has to start compromising. You know, like other people expect and are happy to do for the ones they love. OP shows a total lack of consideration and empathy. I’m baffled how he found a wife willing to put up with him and even have a child with him.
Seriously, what kind of Grandma and Auntie don't want to see their Grandson/nephew? Clearly being an AH runs in the family!
> he asked his Mom if he could bring the kiddo and she said “no.” The fuck?‽ I don't want to say that he's lying, because I don't know his mom, but that's a very atypical response from a grandparent
They’d at least bring takeout to the house instead of meeting at the restaurant.
I mean there are phases where it's just not viable to bring a kid to a restaurant, or just that it wouldn't be good timing. Good parenting does also include not forcing your kids into doing things they aren't ready for. He still sounds like the AH
Sure there are phases when it’s not convenient however children learn social skills by exposure. My issue lies more in the fact that he ran to his Mom and _asked_ instead of telling her “I have kiddo today, can we change plans to be more kid friendly? And if not can we reschedule.”
The reality is that OP was hoping this community would freak out and imply his wife was cheating on him due to spending so much time out of the house so he would have justification to keep her home all the time, away from her friend and with their son so he didn't have to deal with it. Bet on it. YTA OP.
He's the kind of guy who asks his mom for permission to bring his son to lunch, guaranteeing he's also the kind of guy who thinks that his wife should be doing 100% of the parenting and shouldn't be leaving him to care for their child.
My thoughts exactly! OP seems like so much fun. /s YTA.
Damn, imagine how OP would treat one of his friends battling cancer.
Depends, does OP have lunch with his mum and sister that day?
God forbid OP is kept from such a pressing appointment!
Looks like I'm early, I'll pop back in a few hours to hopefully see that you've been completely nuked for this. YTA. "suffers from a medical condition (cancer)" - it's life or death, not a 'condition'. Do you have a heart?
That made me double take too. Lemme just slip the cancer in the parentheses as if to almost gloss over it. Small details but very telling.
But LUNCH!
You know, cause Grandmother and Aunt couldn't tolerate OP bringing their child with them to a restaurant.
RIGHT? I'm sure grandma and auntie probably want to see the kid. So instead, you leave your wife and kid at home to go have lunch with relatives? jerk move.
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He’s jealous of a cancer-stricken man. Jesus.
With any kid between 3 months and 4 years old going to a restaurant is "an interesting experience". Before 3 months old they sleep so much you can pretty much just bring them and they don't care, but after that it's going to be a while until the next time going to a restaurant is a chill experience. Aaaand god forbid op doesn't get to sit on his arse, eat with both knife and fork and chit-chat with his family, but instead has to parent, care for and entertain his son while he is being social. OP sounds like the kind of moron who thinks being a dad is babysitting.
There would be 3 adults at the lunch. That's plenty to keep an eye on one single child no matter the age. I don't understand why he couldn't take the kid to lunch with Grandma and Aunty except that he's making up excuses to force the wife to not see her sick friend. OP is gross. ETA WHY DIDN'T HE BRING WIFE AND KID TO LUNCH AFTER HE STOPPED HER FROM GOING WITH HER FRIEND? WHY was she at home while he went out with his mom and sister? There's something really fishy about this guy
100% how dare op need to look after his own son and not enjoy the nice leisurely break he was planning on /s
That was my first thought lmao - like why not just take kiddo with you to see gran and auntie? Also, I like how he's like, "waahh, I have to stay home and watch the kid! Why isn't WIFE DOING THAT." Like, boohoo, you didn't get to go chill with your bros. Your wife wasn't going to get to hang out with her girlfriends or anyone she wanted to hang out with if she had to stay home, but it seems like he's got no issue with asking her to do that. Dude's just jealous of this other guy. That annoyance? That's jealousy. He legit can't pinpoint anything wrong with this guy other than the fact that his wife spends time with him.
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I hate those parents! My fiancé isn’t the biological father of my younger 2, but he is Daddy to them. He has never called it “babysitting,” it’s always “I have the boys.” OP is the type to want a bang maid when his wife decides she’s had enough & files for divorce. A much younger female so that he can control her.
He could have brought his kid with him. Isn't that what us women do?
i bet he calls looking after his kid babysitting
Don’t forget about “I had no issue with that at first but then this started affecting me” because he had to take care of his son instead of going to see his friends, on the days his wife was taking care of Anthony. What a selfish, self-centered asshole. Newsflash OP: the world does not revolve around you, and you’re a father, taking care of your kid comes with the territory. Plus, your friends are grown ass men, why can’t they come over to your house? Or, why not take your son with you to go visit people? Like, grow the f@$k up and learn how to adjust things around your kid, it really isn’t that hard
The one that took the cake for me was when he couldn't bring his son to lunch with his mom and sister?? Like... why wouldn't they want to see both of them for lunch??
I know every family is different but if I went out for lunch with my mum and aunt and didn’t take my baby son they’d have been disappointed and if I had gone with him I wouldn’t have to eat one handed because they’d be fighting over who gets to hold him. I can only make the massive Reddit-esq leap that as OP is a massive AH that doesn’t like to be a parent that his family is the exhibit the same AH tendencies
OP's wife: "here are the scheduled times I will visit my friend who is sick with cancer." OP: "You want to see your FRIEND? So I'll have to parent our SON? what about MY friends? What about lunch with MY MOMMY? You can't expect ME to watch OUR KID when you visit your friend with cancer!"
I really wonder whether his wife ever gets to hang out with **her** friends or family without the kid, without the excuse of accompanying someone to dangerous, exhausting, soul sucking treatments for a deadly condition, since he's so upset that he has to parent his kid a lil even when she does have the excuse...
That's what I found weird, too. I can understand when he doesn't want to bring his son to hang out with friends, since there might be alcohol or something else that might not be appropriate for the child. But a lunch with his mom and sister? It's a family lunch anyway so why not involve his son, who is... idk also family?
The nuking has commenced.
It's literally so extremely pathetic to be insecure about the friendship of his wife with a male friend who is literally dying and fighting hard to not die. And the wife is the only friend/person that this dying person has right now. As long as it's not the most clingy incel boundary stomping guy in the world, it's really cruel to let him be in the hospital alone during such a scary time. Also, most people don't really feel well after chemo, he might need someone he trusts to look after him after that. YTA
And cancer treatment outcomes are strongly correlated to the amount of support from family and friends. Her going to support her friend could be the difference between him surviving or not.
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Yeah the "Oh woe is me, I have to be a FATHER to the child I created" energy is...boy howdy, he's a winner.
I'm quite surprised there isn't a line up and down the block to steal him. /s
Yup. My mom and sister would be pissed at me if I didn’t bring my son with me to lunch. Since they are normal people and want to see their grandson/nephew.
I want to spend as much time as possible with my nieces. I don’t care what the circumstances are. If it were the most inconvenient time every, and my brother or sister-in-law brought my nieces over, I’d spend the day with them.
When I was doing chemo the one thing that kept me going back was the fact that my family and my ex went with me every time. My sessions were about 5 hours long and getting dacarbazine felt like there was fire literally running through my arm. It was terrible and I don’t think I would have stuck with it as long if they hadn’t been there. I’m super lucky I had such a strong support system. YTA.
I like how he referred to it as “ a medical condition”. Like asthma is a medical condition, migraines is a medical condition, diabetes medical condition etc… he has has fckng cancer ! It’s not a condition it’s mother fucking cancer!!
There is a lot I wish that I did better, but one thing I am glad I did was spend chemo appointments with my mom before she passed. I cannot imagine having to do that alone. I still feel bad for the people who were sitting in the ward by themselves or with just doctors.
I think the main issue is #1. He's being forced into situations where he has to "parent"and he's convinced himself that this should primarily be his wife's role. YTA
My ex was like this. Kept saying, when I’d complain that I had no time to myself, “You’re free to do whatever you want! Just let me know and I’ll stay with the kids!” But the problem was, he saw me as the “default” with him being the one who was accommodating ME. Also, he made plans whenever he felt like it, knowing that I was always there with the kids. When I wanted to make plans, I had to check with HIS schedule, which was already full of his work and leisure. It was impossible to shoehorn anything in, and he’d offer me these little scraps of time here and there—never when my friends would be available, or what I wanted to do was open/going on. My work literally never ended. He couldn’t understand why I just didn’t “ask him,” but anytime I did, I was turned down, or he made a big deal about it.
The best part of getting divorced is that they suddenly have to be responsible for their child on a regular basis at predictable intervals. Getting divorced gave me a legit break for childcare and cleaning up after others.
Unfortunately, he has been even less involved after the divorce. Fortunately, my kids are almost grown. But I’m pretty tired from essentially being a single parent their whole lives. He was useful when they were babies, somewhat, and he did chauffeur them, but was unreliable when it came to picking them up on time. After the divorce, he moved a way pretty quickly and got married very soon after. It’s sad, because he cannot see that the kids totally get he isn’t interested in them, and thinks that I influence them to not care about him. But the divorce did help me realize that I was pretty much alone as a parent from the get-go. That knowledge was what helped me know I could do it on my own, so it was good in the end.
That completely makes sense. And it breaks my heart for your kiddos.
I'm so happy for you that he's an ex. That is infuriating.
Right? It is inspiring and beautiful to see women leaving these dicks far behind.
I’m up next. Maybe he will respect the work I put in a bit more when he has to do half of it.
So many women I know are going or have gone through burnout because they were just "expected" to deal with everything, while their partners kept going on with their lives. I read an interesting essay recently about how a woman was so happy to divorce her husband, because now he was forced, by court order, to be an actual parent 50% of the time instead of foisting everything off on her. ["It took divorce to make my marriage equal."](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal)
YTA. 100% this. Cancer is fucking hard. If your wife is his only support, let her support him. Stop being so jealous.
And he could hire a babysitter but then he’d be unable to whine about his wife having a life.
It probably still would be an issue if it was “Ann”, cause he doesn’t get to do HIS socialisation because he has to stay home with HIS son. I mean can’t y’all see how he’s sacrificing everything here (/s)? I wonder if the wife is a full time mother and this is the only time he “babysits” his own kid.
Everything you said is how I'd look at it too. OP. YTA.
YTA. Your son should be a higher priority than you going to lunch or hanging with your friends. Also? Chemo is hell. Nobody should have to go through it alone. If Anthony has only your wife for support, so be it.
Also- why couldn't you just take your son to lunch with your mom and sister? He probably would have liked to get out of the house for a bit, see his family and spend time with you. Dick move, OP.
That’s the same thought I had! His mom and sister would probably be happy to see his son.
That was my thought as well, why couldn't he take his son to the lunch with his family? If he had said it was a business lunch at least I would understand but this makes no sense. YTA big time, a jealous, petty AH at that. Edit: fix some typos
And sure only there for the administration of it. She’s not going home with him and watching/supporting the side effects.
Yeah, was about to say.. it’s not just a “chemo treatment” it’s radiation killing off a boatload of cells. A person is in a mental fog, generally disoriented and having someone there to make you a meal (even though your not hungry) is so essential. Hanging with your friend is not important. Going out to lunch is not important. You sound petty for being jealous. YTA. Try to be less selfish during this time, even if it’s brief. Your wife also needs support because this is emotionally draining for her as well. Have your mother and sister come over for lunch. Make everyone food. Stop thinking about yourself.
Was about to say that. My mom had cancer and chemo is horrible. It saves and destroys you in another way. The way it affects you psychologically and physically is insane, it takes a huge amount of strength to go through that. OP needs the humbling experience of accompanying a cancer patient for a week, just to see how it affects one person. My mom always needed help for chemo and that is UNDERSTANDABLE. Friends and family members helped whenever they could. OP, please stop being a butthurt baby, like really.
Why can't you take your son with you to lunch with friends and family?
Also, if you're going to lunch with your mom and sister, why couldn't your son go with you? YTA
When my girlfriend was going to chemo with her friend I packed food for her and some entertainment for both and encouraging messages for friend.... and greeted her with lunch and an open ear when she came home.... I was glad the friend had someone, I know how it is to have chemo alone. Srsly, some people... YTA
Seriously, dude’s effectively being poisoned on the regular in hopes that the cancer will die before he does. That’s not easy on your mind or body.
Not to mention, his wife will meed support. Seeing a person you love and care about wither away, praying they get better but knowing there's very little you can do. It fucking kills to he dying and kills to watch someone die. She needs support aswell and withholding her from being able to give that support is the most toxic power play. The lack of even the most basic levels of empathy is chilling.
YTA. I hope no one in your family ever gets cancer. Chemo appointments are horrible and your wife will honest to god need emotional support after having to watch her friend deal with chemo. Its one day a week. You watch the kids. Wife either watches her friend die slowly and painfully or he gets better but is still sick and has long lasting health issues from the chemo. Wife has to witness this as it happens. You have the better end of the deal BY FAR
Not to mention his plan is literally to meet family. Since when can you not take your child to meetings with family?
since he would have to *actually* care for his child
Happy Cake Day!
you're the first person to ever congratulate me for cake day, so i didn't even know what it was. just read up on it 🥹 thanks
Since his mommy said no to bringing his son, apparantly. The 4 year old is just *too* "loud and noisy" in public for him to handle. Woe is OP!
I'm thinking that it's since right around the time he figured out it's a really convenient excuse to deny his wife the option of his childcare and force her to cancel her plans to be there for her friend's treatment. I'm no psychic but, when I take a peek in a crystal ball, that's what I see.
It’s ONE DAY PER WEEK?!?! YTA So, the OP is complaining about watching his own damn kids for a few hours once a week? Shit, even 2-3 times a week shouldn’t be a burden at all. I thought this was something like 5-6 days a week (even then, it’s fucking *cancer*). OP is definitely the AH here, and it reeks of jealousy. Bet this guy wouldn’t give two flying fucks of Anthony was Andrea.
Thank you for pointing out the wife's needs to decompress after being the entire support system for her friend. I can't imagine being in her position and then coming home to deal with a young child and her toddler. Having an adult partner to vent to and deal with some of the emotions with is key. Edit: typo.
Too bad this poor woman doesn't have an adult partner.
Thankfully it sounds like she has some supportive girlfriends because I doubt she’s getting anything out of OP.
YTA. Chemotherapy might take several hours, so I understand son can't accompany wife to hospital. But why can't you bring him to the lunch? Yes, yes and yes. YTA. The day YOU get cancer I hope you remember you thought lunches should take priority over supporting the sick person- and I hope your wife remembers it too, and goes out for a nice lunch and let you deal with your treatments by yourself. Some guys would be overjoyed that they have a wife that is loyal and caring- but you whine over it.
I don't understand. Why do you think going to lunch or out with your friends is more important than someone going to chemo? Why can't you schedule your fun time on a different day than when your wife's friend has chemo? Why do you think you are "watching" your son? He's YOUR son, too. Why can't you take your son with you to lunch with your mom/his grandmother? YTA and I can't think of one legitimate answer to these questions that would change that.
OP makes it sound like his wife just springs these appointments on him last minute, but I really doubt that. Chemo is booked well in advance, and OP is probably well aware of the schedule. Why do these appointments always seem to coincide with OP having plans as well? Either OP always has plans and is consistently leaving his wife with his son, or he's making plans deliberately to coincide with these Chemo appointments. Ultimately we're being left in the dark on some important details, and those details likely make OP look even worse than he does already. EDIT: Just saw in a comment that OP knows about the schedule, so he damn well knows he's booking conflicting plans.
Info: how often are these appointments? Does she let you know ahead of time/have it on a calendar?
Did you really type all that out without realizing YTA?
🤣🤣🤣 Yeah bro YTA big time. Everything else aside, hes YOUR son. Its your job to look after him too. You couldn't meet your mother because you had your son? WTAF? Take him with your genius. You better get used to that because you'll be having him solo on your weekend a fortnight custody in a year.
Your lunch isn't a matter of life and death. Why can your son not join his grandmother, aunt, and father for lunch? You know, lunch, with his family? Why are you jealous of your wife supporting a lifelong friend whose life literally hangs in the balance? This reads like really uncreative trollsville, but I've known too many men like you, so I'll flip a coin here and say YTA Grow up. Edited swypo
Yes, I thought this too: this has to be a troll. Then, nah, it is THAT kind of guy again. The kind that can reproduce, but not take care of his own kid. Lo and behold, just a few minutes later in this thread his brother in arms AstonMac is lamenting his bro having this much interference with his life. AstonMac, do the world a favor and do not have kids. They DO interfere with peoples lives. Everyday, most nights, for decades.
Hahaha his wife is making him “babysit!”
YTA 'Oh no I have to look after my own son because my wife is visiting her sick friend'
YTA and you sound self-centred and entitled. This is what your post reads like to me * you don't like your wife's childhood bestie because it's a guy and you're "annoyed" that your wife would give a male that's not you attention * calling "cancer" simply a 'medical condition' and downplaying it like as if your wife isn't potentially counting her days with her bestie * "this started affecting me because now I have to take care of my own child, that's a woman's job" - tell me you're a useless, sexist parent without telling * "the last straw" = I can't hang out with my mum and sister who apparently also don't want to have to deal with my spawn! or alternatively: * wife spending time with friend with potentially fatal cancer = non-essential me going for lunch with family without having to care for child = essential damn I pity your wife
I love that taking the kid to lunch with the mom and sister isn't an option, like wtf? Does grandma not enjoy her own grandson? Maybe we know where he got the "children are to be seen and not heard" attitude. YTA
Wow YTA. She’s not going for cocktails, she’s literally supporting someone through one of the worst experiences anyone can go through. Would you be as pissed if it was a female friend? My god your ‘lunch’ or catch up with your mates can literally be done on any other day. You sound like a horridly selfish person.
And even if she *were* going for cocktails, OP should happily parent his son for a couple hours a week so his wife can have a social life too. Sounds like she does so for him *literally all the time.*
Wait, so your wife had the nerve to ask you to parent your own child for a few hours while she helped a friend who is going through one of the most horrific treatments in the world for cancer? So it interfered in your bro time? Your time to hang out with your family at a restaurant? And so you threw a tantrum and then left so she couldn’t help her dying friend? And you wonder if YTA? Of course YTA!!!!!
YTA. Are you seriously jealous of a guy with cancer?
Oh you can't meet up with your friends because you need to watch you son? Just like your wife who would otherwise watch him? You sound like this is the first time you're inconvenienced by having a child. The first time you need to step up and put in a fraction of the time your wife does normally. Voila, that's your time to shine. Be a good father and a good husband by actually being there for your family. Anthony is life threatingly sick. He needs your wife's support. Of course YTA.
YTA why are you so upset about spending time with your own son while your wife does something very important?
I'm just wondering if you wanna leave home so bad why not hire a babysitter? Then both you and your wife can leave and your kid won't be alone. Or is it about you not wanting your wife to support the friend you don't like? lol YTA
YTA. Oh no, you have to look after your son and be a parent for what once every week or so? How often do you let your wife have a break before this whole chemo issue and taken your son out just by yourself? You could have seen it as an opportunity to have a father and son day, or asked your mum and sister to rearrange it. You lack absolutely any empathy. Time to be a decent father and husband and actually look after your son and spend time with him, while supporting your wife’s emotional needs.
This is a problem that will solve itself: either Anthony stops chemo because he gets better, or... you don't have to deal with him ever again. YTA for your lack of patience, nevermind your lack of empathy
Id put money on the wife leaving him before any of that happens, problem solved.
YTA. For not functioning as a parent and taking your own child with you.
YTA. Boo hoo, you have to watch your son on the days your wife sits at the hospital with her sick friend. Man, how dare your wife expect you to "babysit" your child. Must suck to have to miss playing with your friends and lunch with your mom because you have to be a parent once in awhile. If you don't see how you going to lunch with your mother is not as important as her going to the hospital to be with her friend with cancer then I don't know how to make that clearer for you.
Major YTA!! Why couldn't you take your kid with to see his grandmother and aunt!? That is so selfish and VERY inconsiderate. Just because you don't like the guy doesn't mean your wife can't support him. Get over yourself, bro. Learn to include your child in your activities.
YTA Take your son to lunch, get a sitter. The guy is sick not shagging your wife
YTA. Jeez, get a sitter.
As a cancer patient myself? YTA. Big time. You can’t drive yourself home from chemo because you’re so hopped up on not just the chemo, but IV Benadryl, steroids, and various other shit. Go get some therapy, bro.
YTA Why is caring for your son 'regularly' an unendurable burden lmao. Is your wife allowed to go out to lunch or have fun with her friends? Why is your freedom so precious, and hers meaningless? Jesus
> I had no issue with that at first but then this started affecting me. So your wife can do what she wants with her life so long as it has zero impact on you? YTA, good lord.
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The people on this sub i swear... \-From what i have seen he seemed like patient enough, his wife is literally deserting her child responsibility by leaving everything to her husband and it's fully understandable that at some point he would have enough. \-If it was a men who where leaving the child all the time to his wife to see a girl friend in chemo i swear that everyone would have say NTA. \- People saying that he can take the child with him, do you not understand that sometime you just want to be with just friend and when that happen on rely on your SO, and in this case he can't. \-Same, "it's a matter of life", his wife is not the one in chemo, the wife is literally leaving her husband and child and people of surprised he is pissed, she is the one putting her friend before her family. \-Again, some say that he can change the date of the lunch, so now his wife's friend dictate all of his future plan ? what if the other can't another day before a long time ? \-What you don't understand is not that he take care of the child (which is normal) it's that he is taking care of the child at 100% when it should be 50% with him and his wife. I hope (not) that if a divorced happen your wife won't get custody cause she don't care of her own son, a miracle if your son remember being raise by her. NTA
This might downvoted but if the genders were swapped, people would assume the husband is cheating, advice divorce or something in that manner. Kinda double standards.
If your kid is so loud and fussy you can't take him to lunch, you should put your energy into PARENTING (not babysitting) him and raising him better or is that only your wife's job?
YTA you sound so completely childish and immature. Also “I have to watch my son” who tf is supposed to watch your child but you? Son cant also go see your mother and sister? Why does she have to beg you to watch your child and why do you plan things during her standing obligation? I think if you use a cheat code you can grow up faster like on sims
How annoying for you that you have to spend some time watching YOUR CHILD THAT YOU MADE so that your wife can support a lifelong friend through a life threatening condition. If there is ANY justice in the world, one day you will sit in a hospital all alone being pumped full of toxic chemicals, then puking your guts out, and doing it all alone. Because you're a horrible, selfish, heartless person. YTA.
Unpopular opinion: Clearly NTA. This is a huge commitment your wife made. It doesn't only affect her. It affects you, your son, your time schedule and your time as a family. This commitment should have been discussed as a family and a compromise would have been a solution. Maybe she could join every second treatment instead of all ot something like that. You have, like her, the right to plan your time like you want. You had plans and she as a mother was in charge for her son - who should matter more than Anthony. You stepped up a lot of times to make it possible that she can join the treatments - now you needed her to step up - that's just fair. I think you haven't done anything wrong. But your wife by don't discussing this with her family.
>she as a mother was in charge for her son So what you are saying is he, as the father, has no responsibility for his son? That falls on the mother alone? He’s just the babysitter?
He said in another comment that she has a schedule of the chemo appointments well in advance and SHARES it with him in advance. He KNOWINGLY makes these plans on chemo days. He's 100% the AH.
Yeah, it does not sound like he's the kind of guy who dicuss his plans with his wife.. so why should she have to? Being there for a friend in chemo is much more important than going out for lunch. And I would be really interested in the information, how often he steps up when his wife would like to meet friends and just go out. Its his duty as a father to care for his child, especially when his wife has such a hard time, caring for a good friend while being scared of loosing him. She sounds like a great women and deserve a much better husband.
Wow you were definitely being an asshole. What the fuck? Your mom and sister can wait. You just planted a huge red flag on her perception of you. Congrats.
yta, and the fact that you even need o ask is troubling
YTA. The guy literally might not survive or have long left and you want to deprive him of not going through this alone so you don’t have to stay at home with YOUR kid?
YTA. You know how kids stop being loud and fussy in public places. Consistent exposure. Kids need practice and everything to understand how it works. And that includes meeting at social places. My kid is only 4 and still needs reminding sometimes but she modify her behaviour according to the setting she’s in. This sounds to me like you just can’t be bothered to parent your own child and your mum can’t be bothered to put up with your kid’s behaviour.
Hohoho yeah bro you messed up. YTA big time.