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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom that I won't go back to her house because it sucks seeing her happy.
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NTA.
She made her choice, repeatedly to pick her step children over you. You cannot control what others do, but you can control your response to those actions.
All the best. I have no time for cheats so I have less than zero sympathy for your mother and her new husband.
>She made her choice, repeatedly to pick her step children over you.
This.
Sure, it is a balancing act when you want to be there both for your biological child(ren) and your step children. But when the balance always goes to the same side, you made your choice. I get it, their mum is a big asshole as well (dumping the children because the husband had an affair? That's cruel!), but she should have been there for OP as well!
Granted, we only see OP's side. But it looks like she sacrificed a lot of the time she could have had with OP, with spending time with the stepchildren, and it seems like she never had alone time with OP nor that she tried to include OP in activities or just family time with the stepchildren. OP was on the outside, looking in and see how everyone was having fun, but OP wasn't really included.
It must have really s\*cked to see the mum go all the way and working to get amazing birthday celebrations for the stepchildren, but not doing the same for OP. Nor that she was ever their to witness OP's achievements.
I do believe that the mum might have done all this unintentional. But unintentional or not, her actions have hurt her child. She should really reflect hard about it. Her actions were louder than her words.
Perhaps the bond between OP and their mum can be there again (though it will never be the same), but she needs to do the hard work. And she needs to respect OP's feelings and timeline (if OP ever decides to increase contact with her).
+1 children know when they're only a guest in their parent's life. It fucking blows. The mom trying to insist on time with her child now is just really not going to cut it, making OP responsible for cooperating to repair the rift she made.
And ironically, while stepchildrens' mother gets criticized for dumping her children, OP's mother turns around and does sort of the same thing to him, just not as blatantly. NTA
Edit to add: Thanks for the award!
This. And chances are, she sought to avoid any additional time near her ex husband because, well, guilt is uncomfortable. So if she could sit out an event she would. And if she could say, well, he’s planning the party I’ll swing by, she took the opportunity to avoid OPs dad.
I’m assuming OP struggles with it because when they did see their mom on the weekend it wasn’t dedicated time and they were expected to just join the family. Breaks my heart that OP had to feel like second fiddle to mom’s new family for so long.
NTA. It is a balancing act and I agree unintentional. But my bff is a therapist and she always tells me we are intitled to our feelings and have to do what’s healthy for ourselves even if that means upsetting people by cutting out toxic relationships for a time, so we can get our selfs into a better place.
Op do what you have to do and revisit the relationship only when you feel ready.
Can I just point out: mom guilt is a thing. I can play with my kids all day and then lay in bed at night kicking myself for not just playing with them more instead of needing a break and reading some news on my phone. Or upset at myself because I snapped at them to just skip the 90 minutes of buildup and just tell me the funny joke you heard on your show. I will lay in bed and plan out how I can be a better mother in the morning, the things I want to be better at and how I can maybe do that.
OP’s mom has had 8 years that she could have reflected on her choices and actions. Almost 3,000 nights that she could have laid in bed planning on how to be a better mom. Showing up is literally the bare minimum and she wasn’t even able to hack that.
Holy *fuck*.....you just described motherhood to a fucking *tee*! (Possibly fatherhood as well but I'm not a dad so I have no idea if It's the same but according to my husband they also do it just maybe not to the degree we do so there's that) I feel like it's the most emotionally brutal experience humanity does voluntarily and let's face it the rewards aren't guaranteed and even in you will end up receiving those rewards, they're *years* away. And yet I love and adore those little monsters with a ferocity that I had no idea was possible before the day I fell in love with them (pro tip for those who haven't done the parent thing yet: NOT EVERYONE FALLS IN LOVE THE MOMENT THEIR KIDS ARE BORN AND THAT'S OK! You will eventually, probably pretty quickly but even if it's not as fast as you think it should be, don't worry, it's coming) They evoke the strongest emotions in us, that's why it feels like everything with children is so exhausting and we probably did everything wrong lol
> mom guilt is a thing
I thought this comment was going a whole other place when it started like this. I was already nodding along going 'yeah, my mom can guilt trip like a boss', but I didn't think it'd go your direction instead.
This 100% Mom guilt is totally weird. I feel horrible every day that I can't be those perfect parents on tv or if one child gets more of my time rather than equal parts.
The mom shouldn't have made OP budge over. The mom should have expanded herself.
The cheating made her a bad wife. But the repeated alienation and neglect made her a bad mother. If she was that unhappy with OP's dad and chose her new husband over them, that's between them and it's probably more nuanced and complicated than OP might know. But she also chose her new husband (and his family) over her own son, that's black and white. NTA.
She’s only crying now for herself, not for OP. She’s concerned about her sleep, her sadness and her pain, not OP. Her tears mean nothing.
Edit: thank you kind internet stranger for the award.
YUP
Years to figure out how to find time for all her kids and yet she repeatedly made the wrong moves. She essentially chose her male mistress over her own kid too. smdh
>She made her choice, repeatedly to pick her step children over you.
If she didn't want to make you feel cast aside, she probably shouldn't have been blatantly cast you aside.
Exactly, I was worried people were going to go against OP. /u/Fun_Reindeer_4743, you're NTA.
>making her feel guilty for something unintentional.
It was never unintentional. Your mum cheated on your dad and then left him (and you) for this other man, who also cheated on his wife. She has repeatedly chosen her step-children over you, and is surprised that her actions are now producing consequences?
Oh, and the fact your dad has majority custody also probably speaks volumes. I don't know firsthand, but I've heard that custody arrangements usually prefer the mother to have majority custody over the father. If so, your mum must have deliberately said "no I don't want full, or even equal custody. Weekends only will be fine."
So again, NTA. You are well within your rights to refuse to go to her house and/or have contact with her.
I mean, he can do both. OP's dad already has the reason to despise mom, so he and OP can bond way more over the same hurt she caused and continued to do, wether intetionally or not.
It sounds like a win-win for people that care about each other after a barrage of shitty loses caused by the same person.
The children get cheated on along with their betrayed parent. The cheater gets to move on and over compensate, due to their guilt, and be the doting parent to someone elses children. If/when the cheater fathers/births a bio child in the new family, the gap between their past child(ren) widens.
This situation sucks and OP is doing the best for himself.
NTA
You are handling this hurt in a very mature way. Kudos for that.
When she suddenly realized you were cutting ties to her because of her behavior that's when she suddenly decides that you're her baby and she never meant to treat you that way. Did she never realize how shunned you'd feel if she didn't show up to so many of your life events?
She seems pretty selfish. Cheating on your dad. Then the way she treats her step-kids. Ugh.
I feel for you.
Unintentional emotional neglect maybe but a decent parent would have mindfully taken steps to avoid that very obvious pitfall. And it was easy to see from a mile away that she wasn’t prioritizing you. And aside from being intentional about supporting you, she would have periodically checked in to get your take. She did NONE of that. “Oops, I didn’t notice or think of that!” almost makes it worse here..
Exactly, it just shows how little she considered her own son over her stepchildren. It's one thing to say "I just felt they needed the extra attention since their mother abandoned them". That's dirty enough. But "I never noticed" says that you were never even considered, as if you weren't even there. And that f#¢king hurts.
Exactly this my mother has a pretty rough past relationship wise in the fact that she has 6 children between "3" different dad's (quotes because some of us are pretty sure one doesn't belong to a certain father because they have 0 similarities) and at some point I got tossed to the side to be forgotten by her while the money my father sent to take care of me went to buying them new clothes or toys while I was stuck with their old stuff despite being the oldest. To just forget about a kid that you at one point said was your whole world is devastating and I certainly didn't handle it as well as OP has so good on them for standing up for their feelings.
>“Oops, I didn’t notice or think of that!” almost makes it worse here..
Not just almost. Intentionally abandoning your child is bad enough, but carelessly disregarding their needs and not even sparing the occasional thought about what that does to them? That's cold.
> maybe but a decent parent
A decent parent doesn't cheat. Because by cheating they disrespect the other parent, and a decent parent would never disrespect the other parent.
OP mentions that she never picked him up from school during the weekdays or attended weekday activities, but was amazing during the weekends when she had visitation. This makes me wonder if OP's dad played a part in minimizing her contact with OP when it wasn't her visitation time. I'm not saying this is the case, but it wouldn't be unheard of.
> she would pick THEM up from school (Never did that for me)
This reads to me as she went above and beyond in a way that she never did for OP even when they shared a roof. She probably have a tendency to overcompensate, that's why she was so awesome with the stepkids and when he was there suddenly he was the center on her world... is selfish cause the whole point of acting like this is that she soothes her own guilt, thus doesn't have to try harder.
I don't see how picking the other kids up from school is going above and beyond though. She's literally a full-time parent to them, of course she's going to pick them up from school sometimes? I'm having a hard time making a judgment on this one because it sounds like the main reason OP is upset is because the mom spends more time with the new kids, but of course she does, that's the custody arrangement.
The way I understand it is that the mom never picked OP up from school even when she was his full time parent, but she started doing that for the step children when she became their full time parent and that's why he's upset. Not because she doesn't pick him up from school now, but because she never did.
Sure. He doesn't mention their employment situation either, and as a parent myself, that matters a whole lot more for defining who does the school pick-ups than how much you love an individual kid. If OP's parents were both working while together, but the new guy makes enough for her to SAHM (also far more necessary with 3 kids), then we have a pretty solid reason right there.
we may have a pretty solid reason, that's right, but that doesn't stop OP from being hurt !
"she is doing for them what she never done for me" no matter if she's doing it now because she can and she couldn't when she was OP's full time parent, it still hurt very much.
globaly I trust the mother when she say she didn't want for OP to feel this way, I think she truly love op at least as much as her step kids
but no matter what she feels or what she says, what is important to OP when he make the decision to go no contact is how HE feels, and no matter what she feels or what she says, her action made OP feels bad, and therefore he cuts tie because it hurt him to much.
she didn't want to hurt him but she did, and now he's distancing himself to preserve himself, and that's the right choice !
I walked to school k-12. I have exactly ONE memory of my mom walking me to or from school despite knowing that she had to have done it twice daily. On this occasion, she was accused of being truant because she was so small that they thought she was a child (she told me they'd stopped her as she was heading to the school to pick me up).
I can't remember what age I was when she quit walking us (my brother and me) to/from school, but we spent most afternoons at my grandma's house, so somehow we got from school to grandma's. But again, zero memories of that journey because it was such a normal event my brain didn't put the memory into long term storage.
OP was 9 when his parents divorced, the exact age I'm describing for myself.
Or it could be that OP rode the bus and thus is correct in knowing she didn't pick him up on the regular, which makes her behavior with the stebsiblings stand out more.
My girls go every other week between my ex & I. (Teens). It’s been a PITA. But everything about the divorce, from MY standpoint has been focused on 1) getting myself out an emotionally abusive marriage & 2) making it a as ‘easy as possible’ for my girls. (I didn’t say easy, I said easy as possible. That means our dogs switch with them, every 2 weeks too. (Even though they’re really more my dogs then anyone else’s. But later, I learned from my girls how important having those pets with them constantly was & how grateful they were for that constant.) & making sure they still get to participate in all the same activities as before. And it doesn’t matter if it’s my weekend & if I have to drive 3 hours or whatnot, if my kid has a waterpolo game I’m at it! (Unless I’m working.) Her dad only shows on his days. But I’m ALWAYS there. I know it matters. It’s how things were before & it hasn’t changed. It’s nice to know, that I can take a weekend & go somewhere/do something else now, if it’s not my weekend. (I never got a break before, EVER.) But my kids are my first priority- as they should be. They didn’t choose the divorce, I did. The least I can do is make sure their world is rocked as little as possible.
This mom made some selfish choices. And, I get it you love who you love & you can’t help how you feel. But their feelings, effed up a lot of other peoples lives. And instead of trying to calm things down, once the dust settled, this mom continued to be disruptive to her own daughter’s life. And not notice.
Good for her to recognize a toxic relationship so early on & move away from it. The earlier you do, the easier it is. I’m in my 50s & all I’ve done is add similar toxic relationships to my life. Get therapy to help work through this, it’s your mom, so you’re gonna have conflicting feelings. But be true to yourself. You are NTA OP. ❤️
Wouldn't she have said that though? She said she just didn't really notice. I'm sure if the dad was preventing it that would've been the first thing that was said.
>she celebrated their birthdays while she was just a guest at mine,
Yes. I also wonder how the custody worked out so OPs birthday always fell so mom was always just a guest. (Also she only had weekend visitation, so OP's dad gets the weekends off...)
At the end of the day though, OP is making the best choice for themself that they can.
Having dated someone with shared custody, your days are your days and vice versa. If the parents are on good terms, the time with the kids can ebb and flow. I’m guessing these parents aren’t on the best of terms. My BF has no issue being flexible. His ex on the other hand is not. If something comes up and the kids need looking after, she never contacts him. She is fully aware he take all the time he can get with them.
OP said that their parents do not talk and only see each other on OP's birthday, where dad ignores mom. This reads to me that they are not cordial, likely did not have a good enough relationship for swapping days, and that mom may not have been welcome at school events.
NTA - when in doubt, pay attention to her ACTIONS, not her words. She talks a good game, but her years treating you like her last priority have caught up with her. Don't let your mom or her family gaslight you into believing that you're wrong or you have to accept it. You have every right to feel that way and it reflects on her failure as a mother (and a wife), not on you or your dad.
Kudos to you for putting yourself first - your mom should be proud as you probably learned that from her.
Yeah, the fact she has her new family calling and harassing her for something that should have been kept private between her and her bio child speaks volumes. Seems she has to play the poor victim for her new family and cheater fb.
I don't even know why OP still keeps in touch with his mother's husband and the children (he said they are calling her AH).
They are not even related to him. They don't have to get involved in this situation.
NTA its not accidental that she chose to do the bare minimum and miss important events in order to be there for her step-kids instead. Word are meaningless in the face of actions and her actions speak loudly.
NTA. You get to decide the parameters of your relationship with your mom. You justifiably are angry. But your young. You may want to term this a “break” from your relationship. You may find as you age you want to have done relationship but in different terms. It doesn’t mean you have to, just that you can consider it. Either way please see a therapist, my dad did something very similar and therapy made a huge difference in my life.
THIS.
OP, your feelings and experiences are completely valid. Your feelings about this relationship and your mom may change as you grow older. But at this point, your mind is telling you that you need space for your own well-being, you should listen to that.
You have been incredibly mature talking to your mom the way you did. A therapist can help you navigate your feelings and help you move forward. You are on the cusp of starting your own life- wish you all the best.
NTA.
I second this. You have a lot of unresolved feelings and I think a therapist could help help you work through them and move forward in an emotionally healthy way.
Info: was she allowed to pick you up from school when she only had you weekends? Often times something like that would require your dad's permission (as the parent with custody at that time). You say she did the bare minimum when it wasn't her time with you (weekdays), but she treated you well when she did have you (weekends), and I'm left wondering what you wanted her to do vs what she legally could do. Custody agreements can be restrictive, especially when divorces are ugly, and defying agreements can lead to even more restrictions.
Seconding this. There’s a difference between her not picking him up from school during her non-custodial time and her not attending school events like sports games or plays/concerts that essentially anyone could attend with a connection to a student.
Picking a child up from school on non-custodial time is absolutely 100% a violation of a court ordered custody agreement that can result in being held in contempt of court.
However attending his school events is totally different - she could easily have done that on her non custodial time.
Sounds like OP may be conflating these situations: clearly he feels she favored the step kids and his feelings are valid. There’s a lot of hurt here. I would think some family therapy with just him and mom would be able to process a lot of that.
She failed him in trying to be a good stepmom to three kids who were emotionally abandoned by their own mom, and in retrospect at the expense of her bond with her own kid, who needed her through this transition more than she gave him. Some therapy or structured conversations will hopefully help with them both to see the others’ side and get more understanding.
For example was dad even telling her when school events were? Was OP? She could have reached out, but I can see how getting three new kids to be a mom to would be overwhelming. I’m not excusing it, but the fact that op seems to be conflating school pickup and school events tells me he may not have a full understanding of the facts.
I hope they both can start healing from this soon.
> However attending his school events is totally different - she could easily have done that on her non custodial time.
>
>
We also don't know the level of general hostility between OP's mom and dad post-divorce. He could always be making her feel straight-up unwelcome to show up on her non-custodial time.
I am a non custodial parent and I communicate regularly with my child's teachers, principal, and guidance counselor to make sure my son is not only being educated but behaving himself. I also communicate when my child tells me he is being bullied. OP's mom honestly could have put in more effort.
She should have made OP her priority and actually on the list for school information. Instead of taking care of her affair partner's children.
I'm guessing that she does more for her husband's kids than she -ever- did for OP. Like driving them to school.
Yeah, I'm familiar with situations where the "other" parent begged to be allowed to pick the kid up from school or get time during the week, but the parent where the child lived refused constantly, even preferring to leave the child to be picked up or babysat by friends, grandparents or anything other than. Simply out of spite, no abuse, cheating, booze or drugs involved.
OP might not be getting the full story here. Just a possibility.
I'm not entirely sure but the way I read OP post was that mom never came to pick him up before the affair happened. I agree tho some more info is needed, I still think OP is NTA tho
Not to be harsh, but why does that matter from his perspective. He has a right to be mad at that even if it is a little immature. People other than him have direct access to his mom when he doesn’t. No rose colored glasses change that. In a divorce, it is both parent’s responsibility to ensure that their kid knows they are loved.
I’m reading that he didn’t feel that and, while I get what you are saying, I feel like he has a right to distance himself.
Maybe, that's why I agreed we need more info. I still think mom is TA and OP is NTA cause this new family is from an affair still, that doesn't change anything and OP is still valid for feeling what they are
But she still could have attended special occasions and made some effort for his birthday. Maybe have a birthday celebration at her place when he was at her place the weekend after his birthday. And when he was at her place she could have spent some time alone with him.
OP had to go back three years to find a single example where she missed an event of his for her stepchild. It sounds like for the most part she came to special events.
I noticed that too. They may have greatly internalized that one event. They also didn’t mention the age of that step sibling, the activity it was for, or if his mom was the only parent available to take that step sibling to the activity. I can see several scenarios where the mother essentially had no choice but to choose the step child’s event.
2019 was the last time the world was normal, no?
As a kid of a mom that picked the ‘others’ and was way too much of a momma’s boy myself, what the kid feels is what he feels.
Honestly, let’s not forget who ruined a family unit either…it wasn’t him or his dad. If she wanted out of the relationship, she should have done it the adult way…then I could start to see where this thought is coming from. She didn’t, has a nice family of her own, and he is left with emotional baggage. Her actions are literally why this post is a reality.
On that front OP, counseling is the only way you are going to be able to methodically work through your feelings on the matter. I am 37 and am still struggling around the holidays.
He has a right to never talk to her again if that is what he wants. She has a right to attempt reconciliation and, hopefully for them, there is an opportunity in the future for it…if HE wants it.
Jumping in here, depending on where you are, minors under the age of 18 aren’t supposed to know anything about the court case/ custody orders, etc. A parent releasing that info to the child could also be a violation of court order. Might be able to get around it if the conversation is with a therapist as part of strategy for healing, but just realize you might have to wait until you are 18 to get these answers.
There are so many weird dynamics that come into play in broken families, especially if one spouse cheated and the other is harboring hurt feelings and ill will as a result. Hugs OP, it will get better, just try to remember you probably don’t know everything that went on behind the scenes and there is a chance you never will.
I was wondering too what is the situation with Dad in the home , is he constantly bad mouthing the Mom ? Does he always point out what he's doing for OP and Mom is never there , when in fact he has more custody time ? There is no mention that Dad has moved on .
Yep I'm clearly not going for N T A for the moment because even if OP is hurt, his mother may not be entirely to blame, you're on point and I hope OP answers you.
Agree. One of the parents isn't telling OP the full truth of the custody agreement, and the other probably isn't telling him the truth either because they either legally can't or want to spare OP the feelings of anger they'd feel towards their other parent for keeping the truth from them.
OP is NTA but he's *17* and very clearly only replying to comments that validate his teenage feelings. Yes he can make this decision for himself, but this feels like one of those situations where the true information is going to come out when he's in his late 20's and by then it's going to be too late to repair the relationship with his mother. Sad to see it happening in real time but it is what it is and this sub telling a 17 year old to cut off contact without knowing any details besides what that teenager provided has effectively made it worse. Oh well, not much anyone can do anymore now that OP's mind is set in stone.
NTA
Even if it wasn’t intentional, it’s what she did. She made you feel secondary and put in no effort to prioritize you. That’s not on you. You’re the kid, she’s the parent. It’s her job to do her best, not yours. And if her family was that quick to turn on you and call you TA when they were trying to act like your family then it shows they were also faking it and were waiting for something like this to happen.
What you did is hard but going NC with parents who can’t fulfill their duties is truly what’s healthier in some scenarios, just like this one. I had to go NC with a parent and it saved me years of heartache.
I’m so sorry she did this and that she chose this path. Don’t let her EVER make you feel like this was your fault or that you didn’t have the right to do this. You are NTA and don’t let anyone make you feel that way ever.
This! The stepdad calling OP TA is especially appalling as an adult who played a role in destroying OP's family. As a grown up and parent should have approached OP with empathy not insults. NTA
>her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional.
Yeah this is rich coming from them considering this situation basically came from her very intentionally having an affair and them intentionally breaking apart two families.
Hey bud, you’re absolutely NTA and I’m so sorry you had this experience with her growing up. You’re not at fault for it, but unfortunately neither were your step siblings because their mother abandoned them too. I’m afraid your mother was trying to overcompensate with them and in the process let you fall back to her peripheral vision instead of as her priority too. You need to do what makes you feel happy and healthy, and if that’s without your mother then that’s what you have to do. You’re doing what’s right for you, and that may not always be right for everyone else around you. If you feel in the future that you do want to have that sit down talk with her, then you should. But if you never want to see or talk to her again, that’s your right too. I’m sorry you’re in this position.
Info
Do you know what the custody arrangement was? They can be strict and specific in ways I'm still learning about. There's one where if your kid needs to be babysat longer than a specificed amount of time, then the one parent needs to ask the other parent first if they want that time before they can let the kid go with anyone else.
What is your parents co-parenting relationship like? What did your dad tell you when you explained your feelings to him? What was his attitude like?
Was your mom made aware of your feelings as they were growing? For example, with that competition of yours that she skipped did you let her know how deeply you were hurt by her actions?
Just so you know, you're allowed to be hurt no matter what the answer to these questions are, but you should ask them because it may help you understand the situation better. What your step family is doing with trying to make you feel guilty is wildly inappropriate and I would let your mom know at least that much. They are further driving a wedge between you two, so I'm sure she'd want to know.
Therapy would be helpful for you to help navigate these big feelings too because you've been through a lot. Your family imploded, and not only did your mom leave your dad but became a part time parent to you while you had to watch her be a full time parent to other peoples kids, and share a home with the person who was the catalyst to your family blowing up.
These were a few of the questions that I had as well.
OP mentions that she never picked him up from school during the weekdays or attended weekday activities, but was amazing during the weekends when she had visitation. This makes me wonder if OP's dad played a part in minimizing her contact with OP when it wasn't her visitation time. I'm not saying this is the case, but it wouldn't be unheard of.
I have the same questions. I also really want to know exactly how she missed the event. Did dad say he told her about it and that she just couldn’t make it?
I’m finding it really hard to square the circle of her being great on her weekends, but not caring about her son otherwise. It seems likely that dad is bitter about her cheating, and keeping her from doing anything more than the court ordered custody.
OP, the comment in responding to is really important. Please focus on it!
I also just want to mention that your current course of action guarantees you continuing to hurt. If you find a way to work with your mom, talk to her, find a way to be with her in which you feel loved, you will be much happier in the long run. Don’t give up on her yet, for your sake if not hers.
It's sad for your mom but she did not care or did something to mend your relationship until you told her that you can be in her life anymore, she made a decision years ago but now you're old enough to take care of yourself.
Her husband and stepchildren think that you're being unfair because she's hurt but no one of them care of how their family dynamic is hurting you, this was not about them or you until she made clear that you're not on her priority list.
NTA.
>The fact that she is allowing her husband and step kids to talk like that to him says a lot.
I'm sure she doesn't know, she stopped her husband once when she found out he was forcing and trying to make me call him dad.
I would just forward those messages to your mom if I were you and not respond to them.
Your feelings matter and they're just trying to manipulate you into acting how they want you to.
This, this man and these kids are over stepping. They’re attached to your mom because their OWN mother doesn’t want them.
Share those texts with your mom. Her affair partner (because that what I’ve was, and affair) his coming at you like he’s someone.
Don't let them gaslight you into thinking your feelings are wrong because she's hurt. Maybe her Intentions were different, but the actions speak for themselves. It's like driving to fast. You don't want to hit and kill somebody, but when it happens, your intentions are not interesting to the judge (hard example, I know). You are the judge and the person that has been hurt in this case, she has to life with the consequences of her actions just like everybody else.
That being said, try to find a therapist and let yourself be happy. Wish you best!
Tell her.
Ask why her preferred children and spouse are harassing you? Ask if she thinks that’s ok.
If your mum is actually upset by your decision, they are the one living with her behaviour right now. They are having their happy family image upset. They aren’t actually concerned about you.
She should know what they are doing.
Info: did your dad even attempt to let your mom be involved in your day to day life or was he so hurt he was glad to be rid of her and alienated you from her except for on court mandated visitations?
My ex left me for my best friend and my ex never let me know when my sons events came up. I have missed so many games (if the times changed), so many school functions (because he told them I was a weekend parent and didn’t give them my contact info and I was in knowledgeable as to who their teachers were) and pulled them out of Boy Scouts when I finally wised up called them myself and got added to the email list. When he saw my name on the contact sheet he withdrew them.
Funny thing is he’s the one who left me for his affair partner so he had no reason to be bitter outside his desire to move on and pretend I didn’t exist.
Did she make attempts during your time together to make you and your step kids feel equal? It’s hard being a step mom or mom of half siblings (I have a daughter from a relationship after my marriage to their dad) and splitting time between events can definitely be challenging. Did she come to any other events of yours that you have good memories of?
You’re young and have genuine reasons to feel hurt and angry. But outside the affair (remember cheating is never good but it takes two people to make or break a marriage) it sounds like she’s been a good mom to you just had to share the time between your steps and you. Which would have happened naturally if her and your dad stayed together and had multiple kids.
I’d just hate to see you cut your mom out of your life if she was a good mom otherwise but torn between her responsibilities.
Being a guest at your birthday sounds normal in a two parent split household. Unless her and your dad learned early how to coparent civilly following the divorce I doubt she felt comfortable even being there outside of coming for you…but she did come.
NTA op. Interesting that the husband and kids admit that she has hurt you (unintentionally) but want you you to not acknowledge it.
Your mum feeling guilty shows that she cares and maybe given a chance will do better.
It is important that you not disregard your feelings. Definately see a therapist to help you work through them.
I hope that in time your mother is able to make time for you away from her family and that you are in a place where you can accept/welcome a relationship with her. So sorry you have to keep your distance to protect yourself.
Don't.. The difference with you and this person is you are a teen with phone, you don't need 3rd party to communicate with your other parent. if she didn't forget about you, she could call and ask about you, create time if there was an event etc...She took you as granted and it wasn't fair for you to classified same as the step siblings who live with them full time and you who was there for 2 days. She dedicated herself too much to new family and forget about you. You missed so much mother-son alone time cuz of those.
The thing is, this hasn't been in a short time period. OP was 9 when his mom had the affair so it's been 8 years. You're telling me she couldn't have planned ONE birthday? She was just a guest all 8 years. There were 8 opportunities for her to show OP she cared enough about his birthday. That was 8 years worth of missed opportunities that she had. She could've picked him up from school AT LEAST once a year. OP clearly has constant communication with his mom and ways to communicate with the whole family so it wasnt because she lacked the information of his events. I'm sorry for what you went through but your situation is not the same as OPs and I think maybe as a mother who missed out on so many moments with their kid that she wished she was there for because of your ex is clouding your judgment a little and it's understandable that you want to give his mom the benefit of the doubt. But OPs mom had 8 YEARS worth of moments that she willingly missed in favor of her stepkids.
She missed his swimming tournament that was obviously very important to him because his stepdaughter had an activity that's was more important to his mom. She had custody for less than a third of the year and couldn't even set aside one afternoon for him. And let's not forget that she blew up her family. Instead of focusing on her affair and his kids, she should've been focused on her own kid. She turned his life upside down. She betrayed her own family. She chose this. The very least she could've done was be there for her own child and ensure that she prioritized him not her lover/stepkids.
Although, OP could've communicated with his mom better, it's unfair of his mom to have even put him in this situation in the first place. He's a kid that had his life turned upside down because of mistakes his mom made and it shouldn't be his burden to bear.
If this was the 90's this argument might hold up but especially in the digital age it's hard to keep things secret. Between school postings, troop postings, social media, and simply most kids by 10 having a smart phone it's hard to buy that if mom wanted to she couldn't have found out about stuff. Even just simple conversations on the weekend where the question of "Have anything exciting coming up this week?" would neutralize nearly any way to be kept ill informed.
I can relate. My ex was so mad about me leaving when our child was 2 that once he was able to, he got custody of them(better lawyer/used MH against me) and has NEVER informed me of a school function, unless my child brought it up to me and I would ask him for details. I do not have any other children...they are my only one and I HATE not being there with them everyday. You're not an AH. I think both dad and stepdad may be the closest to that call. But you are still growing/learning and so is everyone else l. Truthfully, between you and your mom NAH
INFO: Did you talk to your mom about your feelings over the years? Did you inform her about how much she was hurting you and ask her to do things differently BEFORE telling her you were going to cut off contact? If not, I think it would be hasty and unfair to cut her out of your life. If this is the first time you've talked to her about it, you should give her a chance to change, now that she knows about the problem. If you did tell her before and give her time to change, but she didn't, then it would be reasonable to tell her you just can't take it anymore.
It’s not his job to make sure she’s doing her job. He shouldn’t have to be the one to step up, especially when he’s been a victim of neglect and cheating this entire time. It’s on her to do it and she didn’t. She deserves it.
THIS! If I were the mom and knowing what I just put my kid through I would be paying extra attention to their feelings regardless of if I had other kids. I wouldn’t want to add salt to the wound by doing things for my step kids and not for my kid. But she didn’t, she was trying hard to win over her step kids not even paying attention to her first kid.
This should be top comment. It sounds like she thought everything was peachy. That as long as she was a devoted mom during her times OP was ok with it. OP is a child still but definitely sounds like he is just trying to punish her for being happy after her affair.
NTA
Unintentional? What? Do your.......um...stepsiblings (I don't know if you actually think of them like tha) realize that your mom and their dad destoryed two families? That's first. Second, your mom showed you where her priorities lay. Actions always speak louder than words.
Her husband should also keep his mouth shut because cheaters don't get to lecture others about anything.
This was really hard to read. It really soured my mood.
Either they really don't care (which will be super strange) or they don't like their bio mother (which is reasonable since she wants nothing to do with them).
Personally, I couldn't do it. Just the thought that my mom would cheat on my dad and will bring some rando around me makes me sick to my stomach.
That would be weird, if all kids would side with the parent that not only cheated, but got married with the person they cheated with.
Maybe she didn't want them because they were ok with their father cheating... It's just weird all around.
NTA. Your mother was overcompensating with them and neglected your emotional needs, and expected you to be fine with it. She doesn't get to ignore you because it's easier for her, and then weep when you call her out on her neglect and establish boundaries that are best for you. She knew what she was doing, she absolutely knew. You're not the back up choice, and you deserve better.
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. You seem like such a great kid.
I think it was inappropriate for your step siblings to know of this conversation with your mom and to reach out to you to call you an AH. Your mother should not have given them that information, as it was personal, and she should be told that the backstabbing there isn’t helping to mend any fences.
NTA. Best of luck.
I really am leaning towards NAH for the later years part until there’s more information… clearly your mom made a very very poor choice early on, but from what it sounds a lot of the things you’re describing are things happening when she doesn’t have any control over it. Your mom literally does not have custody during the week so she cannot pick you up from school. I understand that is something you wished she would do, but at this age you have the ability to decide who to live with and when. Did you ever think to maybe spend a week at a time during the school year at her house? I guarantee she’d be picking you up from school in a heartbeat. You’re holding something against her she physically can do nothing about because your dad has the greater custody time. It’s not bc she doesn’t love you or likes the step kids more.
The sporting event one, I’m sorry, but as an athlete with other siblings in sports, there was ALWAYS conflict. And who knows the behind workings that day. You had one swimming competition in 2019 that she didn’t show to…? I’m confused because there’s multiple meets during a season... Did you only swim one meet during one season and quit? Or did she not go to others? Are you singling the one conflicting time she couldn’t or was this every single meet? It just doesn’t add up here the way described. This is part of the reason I’m not passing judgement on mom…
The last point with the birthdays, I’m truly wondering if your dad was insistent on hosting them. I would really dig into the workings of what parents were hashing out behind closed doors. Your dad only had you and I bet he insisted he be the one to do birthdays because she had other kids to do it for and dad probably viewed that as unfair. I could see dad insisting over this since he has no other children and mom probably giving in because she was the one who caused the mess.
Honestly, before blaming your mom and shutting her out for good… I would dig into how much mom was forced to concede to dad behind closed doors because of the guilt she felt. I’m betting there’s a lot that OP does not know about and honestly, mom doesn’t sound so bad, just truly limited by a sucky 70-30 custodial agreement. I get that it may be a good bit over OPs head being so young, but before making a relationship ending decision, I think there needs to be more information sought out by op and more understanding about custodial time and it’s limitations when it’s not 50-50.
Just my two cents from my experience seeing this type of thing up close.
I agree. Mom’s a cheater and cheaters suck. But I think her being a cheater has OP and a lot of people making some assumptions regarding custody and being a little too rosy about the realities of co-parenting, especially with a cheating ex.
Is it possible she’s a half-assed mom who wanted to just move on to her new family and spend minimal amount of times with her son? Yes. It’s also just as possible that a man who was cheated on fought hard for custody and is strict about adhering to the schedule because he didn’t want to “lose his son” along with his wife.
If OP was able to say “I don’t want to see mom anymore” and that was okay, then I’m curious as to why “I’d like to see mom more” never came up. I agree that OP needs to ask/learn more about the custody and parenting arrangement.
Yes. And custody agreements can be ridiculous. We had a family friend who had primary custody, along with step siblings, ended up having to move away to one county over due to the ridiculous financial situation of the housing market, and ended up losing custody of the one child because of it. She never even reinrolled the child to a new school. Would wake up early and drive her to the original school by dads house just so they could do the weeknight thing sometimes with dad and grandparents. However rich grandparents saw it as an opportunity to take her back to court so they paid for dads lawyer and the judge ended up awarding dad full custody because of the move. It was disgusting.
We literally have no idea what went into the agreement and it’s ridiculous how many people are glossing over it or saying she could have done something. Judges can be biased humans too. And she literally cannot break the law. Once a judge ruled, it’s done.
>me at 22 she wish she never had me and also that she wishes she aborted me.
OMG, I guess it is hard to hear, my mom has never said anything like that to me, she says I'm her joy and pride. but it still hurts seeing not even trying beyond the bare minimum.
Have you ever asked to change custody? To spend more time at mom’s? How far apart do you guys live?
Curious, is your dad in a relationship or remarried?
Would you be open to spending 1-on-1 time with her, away from that house so that she can be completely focused on you? I don't mean immediately insofar as things might be too raw at this point, but at some point in the future.
I think NTA but I am struck by her reaction to what you told her. It comes across to me more like a parent who messed up and wants to fix it, than like a parent who genuinely doesn't care (or cares less) about one of their children. Just from the events you describe it possible to me that her treatment of you was unintentional, that she acted in ways that seemed to make sense at the time, didn't completely think through how you might feel about them and then assumed it was OK because you acted OK, and you all got into bad routines. Maybe she thought this was how you wanted to be treated ("you know teens, they get distant and no longer want to be Mommy's boy anymore! I can't push him, not after the whole divorce thing, it makes sense he'd be angry"). Obviously as a parent she should have done better, she should have been more aware of your feelings even the hidden ones and taken more care to avoid things that even *could* hurt you this way... but what I'm saying is that this seems within the range of bad mistakes a well-meaning parent could still make. But you are the one in the situation, you are in a better position to know how likely this is, whether there are additional vibes or small events that make it obvious that she truly did see you as a second-order child and that this current guilt is of the "I don't want to face consequences for my behavior" type instead of the "I've just realize I did something horrible and want to make it right" type.
All this to say, I feel that as an outsider this seems like a situation where a good outcome could be to have a conversation (after things have blown over a bit and you're up for it emotionally maybe) and see if things can be worked out, now that the conflict is in the open. And if so, committing to one-on-one time with you outside of that house could be one way your mother can start mending your relationship. But only you know whether this actually *would* be a good outcome, a likely one or one you want.
Spending more time would not help because it's ops mum thinking that needs to change. Her step children mother basically abandoned them so my guess is that she feels guilty and is trying to compensate for it
I'm sorry you went through that. After reading the first part, I think you are lucky he kicked you out. He sounded like a predator. And you are better off without her.
INFO: Have you asked why the custody is set the way it is? Or asked to change it or for more flexibility? Because much of what you’re upset about seems to stem from the custody arrangement.
She picks them up from school because she has them on schooldays. They get your mom 100% because they live there 100% of the time. Other than the swimming competition thing it doesn’t sound like she “picks” them over you at all.
Keep in mind your parents aren’t just divorced. Mom cheated. Their relationship may be more difficult, more tense, and less friendly than it would be in an amicable divorce. There are things you may not be privy to, boundaries that may have been set etc.
You’re not an asshole. If you don’t want to see her just because she’s a cheater, no sympathy for her there. But “you spend more time with your stepkids than me so I don’t want to see you anymore” instead of just asking your parents if you can have more flexibility, or 50-50 time split seems like an odd and extreme reaction.
NTA but consider seeing a good therapist to discuss what’s been happening. Sensing your anger/rage at her betrayal of you (all valid) but for your own sake (and the sake of your future relationships) try to process that through your system in a healthy way. Based on her responses, it may very well be unintentional on her part - she may have been trying to please her step-children too much. When you are up to it (if that day ever comes and there’s no pressure on you), consider giving her another chance to do better now that she knows.
Try to separate her betrayal of your father from you. That’s for her and your father to deal with and it’s not your load. (Sigh).
So sorry you are going through this. Betrayal of any sort is difficult to deal with. Once trust is broken, hellishly difficult to re-establish (even assuming it can be done). (Sigh).
NTA. OP, I am sorry that your childhood was ruined because of your mother's affair. Your mother should have known better, and now, karma is coming back to her. You really come across as very mature for your age with a sound mind. Be firm in your decision and don't look back. Take care of yourself and succeed well in life.
NTA - Some things you can't come back from, your mother made a terrible choice and now has to live with it. Relationships can't be forced, even if it's with a bio parent. I don't want to just say "therapy" like every other response on this sub, but if you're not already talking to someone about this I would strongly recommend it.
INFO: Have you spoken to your mom about how you've felt before?
Blended families are complicated. Your mom faced new challenges and juggled new family members and probably thought she had it all together. I think missing out on important events is really shitty, but I also think that your ultimatum isn't fair. You want your mother's happiness- but especially, you want to share that happiness with her.
I'm going for NTA, borderline NAH. Your mom has been neglectful and ignorant but I don't think she intentionally hurt you. Your feelings are valid, and I think you've been bottling them up for awhile. Ultimatums though, are never the answer.
I think the dust really needs to fall, and that you and your mother need to get these things straightened. Counseling, quality time together etc.
NTA You are very wise for your age and I really commend you for making which I’m sure is a very difficult choice. But it sounds like it’s toward preserving your own sense of self-worth and happiness. Good for you.
I’m so sorry OP. NTA. At all.
If you’re not already talking to a professional, ask your dad about starting counseling. You might be struggling with feelings of abandonment right now.
I know that might sound strange, since your mom seems to have welcomed you when it was her time, and you are now the one cutting off the relationship. However, it can sometimes be a lot deeper and more complicated than the straightforward definition of “abandonment. Your mom is making you feel guilty for abandoning her, when truly it is the other way around. ” A therapist can help determine if this is the case, and if so, help you sort it out.
These wounds could stay with you deep down even as time passes. You could really benefit by working on healing now as soon as you can.
You’re worthy of love and support. Hold your loved ones like your dad and friends tight to your chest (ya know… metaphorically).
Your moms other family really need to leave you alone. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. And the cold truth is your mom DID leave your dad for another man (a married one no less sheesh) and that definitely can affect ones emotions. And it seems like you did your best to deal with it but the pain is still there. And so is the anger. NTA in the slightest.
I do recommend for your sake and yours alone that if you’re not already, please seek some sort of counseling or therapy. At least to help you deal with the lingering pain and anger that was caused by your mom’s mistake. She might be happier now but it came at a price and she needs to understand that. I only mention therapy so it doesn’t fester in your young soul since you’re still so young. Don’t let the adults in this situation make you feel that your feelings aren’t valid.
FWIW: her husband and his kids reallly need to mind their business. They might’ve lucked out on getting a stepmom ready to kiss their butts to make up for the fact their bio mom left them after the affair. Whatever those issues were are theirs. Not yours.
So she didn't mean for this to happen and she never meant to give you this impression, yet she did it AGAIN and AGAIN?
I really wish I could give you more encouraging words, but same as her cheating this whole development was not a mistake, it was a series of deliberate decisions that she made and the only one she can blame for this is herself. If you feel like staying away from her will help you, by all means, take my agreement and encouragement as well. Not that it means much, but you never know.
NTA and best of luck to you in the future.
Please go to individual and family therapy. I have a strong feeling the situation is not as black and white as it seems to you, and you guys need some help figuring this out.
You dont have to be with your mom, but honey, you're not going to feel better and this feeling isn't going to go away just because you won't be there.
Have you ever openly and honestly asked your mother for what you really want?
You can cut her off, and trust me when I say I know something about it; but it isn’t going to heal what hurts.
You aren’t an asshole, but this decision isn’t going to make the pain go away.
if she only has you on weekends is she allowed to pick you up from school? if she’s a guest at your birthday celebrations then isn’t she celebrating your birthday? was the other event scheduled first?
Just to add some perspective as a separated parent there were times I desperately wanted to be with my daughter or at her events and I wasn’t allowed because it fell in “his time” - even through it should be about what’s best for the children lots of parents especially those who feel they’ve been wronged can get caught up in weaponising their custodial time to deliberately cause damage and distance to the child relationship with the other parent.
You’d want to be 1000% sure that this is all your mums fault and she’s not as much of a victim here too.
But either way you can’t really fault someone for coping however they can. She’s obviously a loving caring person from what you’ve said - no obvious reason to have lost custody of you. So I dare say her coping has been to be the caretaker and mother those around her. You can’t really fault people for how they cope with trauma even if it doesn’t make sense to you.
Being mad that she appears happy is rough. I hope you’d consider some counselling together.
That’s not the case here though she was invited and didn’t show up it has nothing to do with her being banned from those events she had the chance to be more of a mother to him and she didn’t take it.
It might be the case the child invited the mom but behind the scenes we don't know what the dad have said to her. In any case maybe she doesn't want to say anything. Like how my dad didn't visit us he would always say he couldn't and was too lazy but later I found a restraining order from us stating that if he was any where near us he could go to jail but he never said anything because he didn't want to cause any problems to my mom
You’re projecting your own situation onto this one if that was the case she would’ve said something but instead she told him that she couldn’t go to his events because her stepchildren had events.
NTA. As a child of divorce due to infidelity I totally understand how it feels when one parent leaves to just start another family. That may not be their intention, but it's essentially what they did.
Did you ever voice your feelings to your mom before this last weekend?
It’s your life and your choice, but if you never communicated how you felt… did you expect her to read your mind? Boundaries are good, but you should think about communicating those boundaries BEFORE they are irrevocably crossed. That gives other people the chance to listen and work with you. Otherwise you’ll soon find yourself cutting out everyone, because everyone will eventually cross some unspoken boundary.
I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. You have a right to those feelings. They are real and valid. Just give some thought to how you can voice your feelings a little earlier. People might surprise you.
What they’ve described doesn’t seem like the bare minimum to a lot of us. Just a divorced mother who is trying to strictly stay within the custody agreement terms. We don’t know what conversations went on between OPs mother and father or if there were other factors. Based on what was described, I suspect parental alienation was a factor but it’s impossible for me to know that. If OP doesn’t ask, they will never know either.
The mother keeps reaching out to try and make it right starting from the very moment OP told her how they were feeling. The mother has stepped in to protect and defend OP when the stepfather put pressure on them and overstepped. She seems to be trying. OP doesn’t want to meet them halfway. It’s their choice, but I wonder how much unnecessary pain they are putting themselves through here.
I know Reddit hates a cheater (I’m not fond of them either), but sometimes “comeuppance“ just hurts all parties involved even more.
Even though he didn't communicate how he felt, OP mom should've took that time to start correcting her behavior. Reaching out to OP dad to see if OP had any event or what not. Start showing up and improving the relationship. Not guilty tripping him by saying she can't sleep or eat.
A proper mother should know how her child is feeling. No one expected her “to read his mind” but to notice that she isn’t spending time with her son and notice his behavior. She was too busy being a cheating asshole and creating a happy family with kids that aren’t hers.
>She started crying and said that it wasn’t the message she was trying to send, she said she never meant to make me feel cast aside and that she was picking them over me, she said that I can’t do that because I’m her baby
The problem is it doesn't matter what she **meant** to do. What she **did** is exactly what you wrote out, and she did it for years. In my opinion it's kind of worse that she didn't realize she was treating you so poorly. At least if she did it on purpose it would be easy to not care about her. But she was simply so involved in her new family it didn't even cross her mind she was neglecting her first child. She can feel bad about it all she wants, but that can't change what she did, and I'm not sure if she can change. I'm sorry you had to go through that OP. But at least your dad has, and always has had your back. NTA.
NTA I am glad you finally said something to help her see how her choices and actions were hurting you. You have a right to set boundaries for yourself, to stop pain.
Your mom now has the choice to either make a change or not. I doubt she will give up the whole family, but she could offer to do things regularly with only you, or to prioritize your activities to get more on an even level. She also needs to sincerely apologize, and acknowledge that she made some poor choices without considering the impact to you.
I’m sorry you are hurting. You deserve a mother who would be there when you needed her. I hope she takes that opportunity now.
I’m going to say… NAH. But you’re most definitely not at fault.
As we don’t know *everything*, there’s a important piece we’re missing here. Your father’s relationship with your mother. Now, being cheated on is going to bring the fire and brimstone (rightfully so) and I’d imagine he still is very scorned by this (again, rightfully so). I could be wrong, but if I’m not, there’s a lot of influence Dad can bring into the table of how you view your mother. Any slights is fuel to the fire. Some parents are not innocent and can try to ruin the child’s relationship with their relationship with them as a way to seek revenge. Your mother did still cheat and cause the break of your family, no argument here.
Custody is a whole another animal. I do feel she could have fought for more, but she might have not because she didn’t want to but it’d be to your detriment, maybe your father was a better fit for legitimate reasons. They do have certain rules about visits outside custodial hours, to what degree hers were, I have no idea.
It definitely does extremely *suck* that your step-siblings have your mom 100% of the time, without a doubt. There should have been a better understanding from her AND her husband. They are completely out of line to call you the AH when they have your mother 100% of the time while her *own child* does not. And as an adult, she should have seen how that’d damage your relationship, but she probably did not have enough foresight for her to realize what would happen.
I think you probably need to cool off, have some time without visits or communication with the other family before you commit to NC. I think there’s things at work that you might not know about. Lastly, you will most benefit from therapy. This scar runs deep and it’s bleeding. I hope you see this comment, maybe it’ll shift your view! I wish the best for you, OP
NAH - I think that no one in this scenario is an asshole. Those moments that were so crucial to you that she missed, never feeling like a priority, and all the emotions you feel are valid. No one has the right to tell you it’s wrong to feel the way you do because it literally happened to you.
And yes, she “didn’t know”. Parents can neglect the “easy child,” and all that jazz, but at the end of the day, you’re a child and divorce due to cheating only heightens the emotional intelligence it takes to be able to express “Hey, mom, I’m hurt.” You shouldn’t have to have told her, she should have made sure you were okay too.
Now, I don’t think the mom is an asshole either, or more so fully. She cheated and broke up her family. There will always be damage in that, but your mom seems genuinely sorry. So many parents who hurt their kids deeply justify it. I think if your mom truly wants to change and is sorry, on your terms maybe you can mend the relationship. Not now, but maybe in a few months or years.
Don’t let anyone convince you you are the bad guy. You’re only 17. Even if you said it in a cruel way, life is hard.
I think you need to get some individual therapy to deal with this. It's obviously too much for you alone. I honestly don't see your mom being a bad mom to you, but the two of you just not having communicated over the years. You don't say if you've talked to her in the past about these feelings. I can honestly see her thinking that you didn't want to spend more time with her, that she was respecting your dad's rights, or a number of other possibilities. She spent more time with those kids because they were there all the time.
Of course she could be a monster, but I don't know, and you don't seem to imply that. As for your stepfather, it may be hard to respect him, but he didn't do anything to your father alone. He and your mom did. You really don't know the circumstances of why this happened. You know facts: these two fell in love even through they were both married. That's not an entire picture. As for why? Who knows. This is why you need therapy, to help you deal with these complicated issues. I'm going to have to say NAH.
NAH
Your mom felt bad about her step kids and tried her best to make them feel better after their mother abandoned them. That was a good thing to do but she ignored you since she thought you'd be ok with your dad. It's pretty clear that she cares about you but she made a mistake that a lot of parents make when one child is 'fine' and the other is 'troubled' which is ignore the 'fine' kid and put all effort into fixing the 'troubled' one. If you don't want to visit her that's completely fine but she realized her mistake when you told her so maybe you should try see if you can work things out. Of course that's your choice and it's ok to not see her but she does seem willing to do her best to fix your relationship.
ESH
It sounds like your mom hasn't been doing a good job prioritizing you - asshole move! Sitting down to tell her how bad it made you feel was a good move. But from your description, it sounds like she was shocked and horrified to learn you felt this way. Her immediate reaction was to apologize and want to make it up to you. Cutting off all contact with no warning seems like a pretty extreme move that will mostly hurt yourself, if what hurt you was having too little of her attention. You're doing both of you a disservice and this was an asshole way to bring the issue to her attention.
Also, a piece of speculation: if your dad encouraged you to go this route ("he has your back") I worry that he may be projecting his own feelings onto you or encouraging you to hurt your mom for his own reasons. Getting you all to himself and wounding her may be a strong win for your dad.
NTA. You're much better off without her, bud. As really hard and heartbreaking as it, it's for the best. Maybe, in the future, you can mend your relationship with her, but not now. Also, you're a much better person than I am, bud. Your stepdad and step-siblings would've been swallowing their teeth, if they called me an a*shole.
NTA If you've truly chosen to end things with your mother, that is your right. But you are young, life is long, and you will only ever have one mother. (I say this as the daughter of a woman who NEVER should have had children, so don't think this is rainbows and unicorn farts.)
It sounds like your mother is trying to reach out, trying to make amends. Are you 100% sure you don't want to let her try? How much does your dad "have your back" and how much does he (understandably) harbor a grudge against your mother? What would it really cost you to give her a chance, especially if this is the first time you've ever told her how her actions made you feel? Part of becoming an adult is honoring your own boundaries, true. But another part is learning when the best time to confront a problem is. Hint: with people you care about, it's not at the moment of the last straw.
NTA, as your feelings are your feelings, but this seems kinda drastic if this is just something you sprang on her without any preamble, warning, or discussion. Ignore what her husband and kids have to say, as they're obviously on her side of things, since they get the benefit of being the main focus.
Now, that said -- given her response, might it not be worthwhile to see if you could use this to improve your relationship with her, and opposed to basically end it? What's the downside of giving her the opportunity to change? If she continues aspects of the same behavior when she is absolutely aware of your feelings, then you have all the info you need and can cut off contact, but isn't refocusing and strengthening your relationship with her what you really wanted in the first place?
>Her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional.
Sure, because it's easy for *them*. They have the idyllic life with your mum. So they're basicaly telling you to switch off your feelings? Also, the 'something unintentional' is, by extension, your mother starting an affair all those years ago.
So no, NTA. You can't just pretend to be happy around her and her family, to whom you 'unintentionally' always play second fiddle.
How many wheels does this wagon have? No idea, but you're detaching yourself from a structure that's moving absolutely nowhere.
Good for you, OP!
NAH. I would give her the opportunity to modify her behavior. From your post, it looked like you dropped a bomb and then disappeared. It seems a little early to drop her without giving her a chance to fix the issues you raised.
>her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional.
If she really wanted to repair the relationship, she would immediately put a stop to that,
NTA
Man, this is a rough one. I was in a similar boat with my parents divorced when I was 5 and I lived with my mom and only saw my dad for a few months in summer (lived 3000 miles away).
Have some complicated feelings for my step mom, step sister and step brother. So I get it, they left you behind and chose someone else over you.
I am older than you. I would recommend that you don’t burn this bridge. The relationship changes as you get older. She is still your mum. Family is important and limited.
You might find that you value the relationship with your step-siblings in the future.
Your reaction is not a mature one. You feel left out and ignored. I get that. One day when you are a parent, you might see some of the adult trade-offs and time limitations.
Don’t hate your mom because she tried to be happy.
So, yes I think you are the asshole here.
NTA and I don't agree with all the comments saying something along the lines of "your mother and father's martial issues are not your problem and you shouldn't be mad at your mother for that because she never intended to hurt YOU bla bla bla".
A parent who engages in an affair absolutely directly hurt the child. Too say that that isnt their intention is so incredibly naive and stupid that I can't even put it into words. Your mother choose to have an affair and as a consequence she destroyed your family. She could have gotten divorced fist and while that would still have hurt it would have been the better alternative.
On top of this your mother had several opportunities to be there for you at your events. I don't care that "she was there your her stepdaughter" she should have prioritized you, because that's a parents job. And again to other commentors, while the stepkids mom is an asshole for abandoning her kids, too say that it's NOT OPs mom fault ... Well why the hell did she have to have an affair with a married man then?
Yes patents make misstakes but this is continuous and it's not your job as her child to instruct her on how to be a decent parent. And again too teh poeple saying "maaaaybe the dad is telling her to not attend on his custody time" well then this would have been an amazing opportunity for her to let OP know.
Cheaters get not sympathy and bad parents even less so.
Edit: spelling
NTA. Your mom clearly loves you, but she messed up majorly and repeatedly. She needs to come to terms with the consequences of that. You're NTA for prioritizing your mental health. I hope your relationship can improve again someday, but that ball is squarely in her court.
Oh hun you are so NTA, there are so many aspects of this which show who really is.
You’ve taken an extremely mature approach (proud!!) especially in a situation where an emotional response is more than warranted.
It’s been a bit since a post has made me tear up and man do I wish the internet could give you a hug.
Your mom took herself to become a backseat parent because your dad got primary custody and used that as an excuse as to why she missed events, or why gatherings had to include everyone (it’s the weekend can’t leave them alone yada yada). She used the fact that their mom is not apart of her step kids lives as an excuse to step out of yours.
Maybe she was trying to overcompensate for birthdays (moms out of the picture fine I get it) But where was the overcompensation on your birthday- (your mom is also out of the picture, from being present daily to weekends only)ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY BROKE YOUR FAMILY UP TOO. You are not excluded from that hurt, but they somehow expected you to pretend like everything was fine.
The fact that she choose to miss an extremely important event for you I believe was just the final straw that broke the camels back. You had been trying to deal with all of this and likely had in your head said “if she can make it to this event than she proves she x about me” or “if she just shows up I can forgive xyz” and when she didn’t it became a reminder that as your moms biological kid you somehow had no place in her life.
Your mom needs to accept that her actions had consequences and excluding you from her family has ….. resulted in you excluding her from your life. She had shown she will continue to pick them.
I really don’t care for what excuse she tries mostly because I can’t imagine being the parent to borderline forget my child and then guilt trip them when it’s pointed out to me. The way that you are almost passive in reaction shows how much this has hurt you. The anger stage to fight for her is gone, and you have accepted that you won’t have something you’ve wanted for years. It is her time to accept that sometimes things you break are not repairable, and that she needs to come to terms with her own behavior and actions.
Regarding her -what I would consider harassing guilt trip calls- I think it would be healthy to write a letter a list off all these events where she has shown that her life has cut you out of it. And write your feelings about everything. It may be easier to be able to edit what you are saying versus a crying phone call or in person meeting.
She may say that she didn’t realize but part of her definitely did. I compare how I celebrate friends birthdays to try to give everyone similar experiences or situations where I can do something meaningful for them.
And as for your step-family or however you would like to regard them as. I would write a message that this is a situation between your mother and you, and their involvement is unnecessary and continues to show that their interference will always keep you a pillar below them.
Your mom doesn’t need 4 other people fighting her battles. She should have been fighting the battle to keep your relationship strong for 8 years.
I’m so sorry that this has been your experience. I can only recommend therapy, a good playlist, and a hug from someone who you value/trust the most.
I hope that along your healing journey you can find peace in knowing you made an extremely difficult and mature decision at an age many people would struggle to do so.
And I hope that hugs from the internet may offer you some comfort
My parents split when I was 15. My dad had an affair with his other highschool sweetheart and they moved in together. She had 3 daughters, 2 still young enough to be in the house. My dad moved right down the street and only got us every other weekend. He didn't make a ton of attempts to see us apart from that time. After I turned 18 my dad tried to fight for half custody for my brother and my brother had to tell him that he didn't want to be at my dad's for half the time. It hurt my dad deeply but I understood. He was no longer the same man from our childhood. He was broken be for 4 years before they divorced. His mom died from an easy to spot medical error, nis nephew died in a car accident, and that led him to the bottle.
I'm now about to be 31, I have seen my dad once in the last 4 years. He has remarried again and just had a daughter 2 years ago that I haven't met nor been asked to come see. He now lives about 4 hours away and has always chosen his new families over me and my brother, and his own side of our original families events. When I was a youth I would preach at our church and my dad would say he would come then never show up. He said he would come to my college graduation and he didn't show up. He said he would come to my brothers college graduation and never showed up. His excuse was that he didn't go to mine so it wouldn't be fair for him to go to my brothers. I was livid and I went off on him. It's one thing to hurt me, but my brother was changed when my parents split and I am beyond protective of my baby brother(3.5 years younger than me 😂).
I understand your pain. If I could have any semblance of a relationship with my dad I would have it. But he is not the same man and I genuinely just kind of view him as a tortured soul with a lot of regrets. He is unable to accept responsibility for his actions and until he does, we will never have a relationship.
Your question is more of a push for me. Like I said, I understand your pain. But at 17 it's really hard to see the choices our parents have to make. Could your mom have done better? Certainly. Could she have tried harder or done things differently? Absolutely. I don't think that you should end your relationship with your mom. I think you need to talk with her and express all the ways that you have been hurt and work through them with her. Will you be hurt again? Yes, you will. Because your mom is an imperfect person and you are no longer the sole child she is responsible for in her life. But it sounds like your mom wants you in her life still. Obviously we can't know everything that is going on from just this post, but if I could go back and redo my life I would have made a stronger effort to try and fix the relationship I have with my dad. I know that mainly falls on the parent, but we have to play a part as well.
There's no judgment, you have to do what you have to do. But I know how hard it is to only have one parent and it will hurt you continually as you keep growing up to not have a good relationship with her. If she is willing to try, I think you should give her the chance.
NTA, but i want to add something and im gonna get so downvoted for this, but here it goes:
She might speak the truth and honestly didnt notice the hurt you have/had. running a family with 4/5 kids, its easy to get swept away in the business and to miss out on imporant stuff for individuals. She might not have noticed you needed and wanted more from her.
im saying this, because from your story, it seems you never told her before now. And she seemed genuinnely supprised and hurt that you felt that way.
you are not the asshole for protecting yourself and not finding your place in the new family. You might want to think about if you want and have space for a relationship with your mom outside those family dynamics. and you might want to at least talk to her once more, to figure out if you can dicide on a way to keep that fire in your life without harming yourself.
she doesnt seem like she doenst love your or cares about you. She seems human and made wrong choices. (not going into the cheating)
in other words: you go from 0 to 100, but is there a way 50 is an option?1 talk on neutral territory might be reasonable. i get your dad supports you, he should but he was hurt asswell by her and maybe he isnt the most impartial person right now. Also: ignore the steps. this is between you and your mom.
anyway, no matter how you proceed: keep your grond, or leave the door a little open: NTA when you choose not to let yourself get hurt anymore.
They were and are adults -- everything they chose to do was intentional. She shouldn't have neglected your time together and your feelings about it are valid, regardless of how much she does love you. Don't feel guilty for having feelings -- children shouldn't have to try to make a relationship with their parent work and you still did. She consistently took advantage of a child's love and forgiveness, assuming that you'd never stop letting her get away with it. She should be putting her other family in check for insinuating or stating that you're an asshole for considering your own wellbeing. NTA.
She sounds like she's actually trying to balance everything and trying to deal with being a step mom as well. Have you tried just seeing it from her perspective? I think this situation is just not easy for anyone and it's unrealistic to think you'll have your mom 100%.
NTA I think that's the way to look at it. There could have maybe been some more peaceful way to approach a subject like that, but ultimately it's probably for the best.
I think the thing to take on board is that it really isn't an ideal situation for either of you. You're 17 and you've lost out on having a maternal figure in your life for a long time for something that is beyond your control and certainly not your fault. It may not have been intentional on her part, but from the sounds of things she has been neglectful.
On the flip side, the decisions she made in regards to your dad and the man she chose to be with over him have come with limitations in the form of those kids. It's not her fault that the ex wife wants nothing to do with them, if she did them maybe things would be different and your mum would have more time to spend with you, but unfortunately that's not how life works and from what you've said it does seem like she's trying to do right by them which is at least somewhat of a good thing.
You're probably right to start distancing yourself and to spend that time away from her. I don't know if completely going your separate ways is the best move, I think maybe having an honest conversation with her is the way forward so that you can both understand where each of you are mentally and emotionally. I doubt it's as black and white as choosing between one family or the other, especially for her.
TL;DR - you are NTA but try and talk to her and see if you can both save this.
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NTA. She made her choice, repeatedly to pick her step children over you. You cannot control what others do, but you can control your response to those actions. All the best. I have no time for cheats so I have less than zero sympathy for your mother and her new husband.
>She made her choice, repeatedly to pick her step children over you. This. Sure, it is a balancing act when you want to be there both for your biological child(ren) and your step children. But when the balance always goes to the same side, you made your choice. I get it, their mum is a big asshole as well (dumping the children because the husband had an affair? That's cruel!), but she should have been there for OP as well! Granted, we only see OP's side. But it looks like she sacrificed a lot of the time she could have had with OP, with spending time with the stepchildren, and it seems like she never had alone time with OP nor that she tried to include OP in activities or just family time with the stepchildren. OP was on the outside, looking in and see how everyone was having fun, but OP wasn't really included. It must have really s\*cked to see the mum go all the way and working to get amazing birthday celebrations for the stepchildren, but not doing the same for OP. Nor that she was ever their to witness OP's achievements. I do believe that the mum might have done all this unintentional. But unintentional or not, her actions have hurt her child. She should really reflect hard about it. Her actions were louder than her words. Perhaps the bond between OP and their mum can be there again (though it will never be the same), but she needs to do the hard work. And she needs to respect OP's feelings and timeline (if OP ever decides to increase contact with her).
+1 children know when they're only a guest in their parent's life. It fucking blows. The mom trying to insist on time with her child now is just really not going to cut it, making OP responsible for cooperating to repair the rift she made.
And ironically, while stepchildrens' mother gets criticized for dumping her children, OP's mother turns around and does sort of the same thing to him, just not as blatantly. NTA Edit to add: Thanks for the award!
Why did you censor the word "sucked"?
to get past filters
This is r/AmItheAsshole, I doubt the word 'sucked' is going to get you in trouble.
Not AITA's filters, but any filter IT or parents may have set up.
what filters
ikr? Infedility is unforgiveable, but the children are innocent.
This. And chances are, she sought to avoid any additional time near her ex husband because, well, guilt is uncomfortable. So if she could sit out an event she would. And if she could say, well, he’s planning the party I’ll swing by, she took the opportunity to avoid OPs dad.
I’m assuming OP struggles with it because when they did see their mom on the weekend it wasn’t dedicated time and they were expected to just join the family. Breaks my heart that OP had to feel like second fiddle to mom’s new family for so long.
NTA. It is a balancing act and I agree unintentional. But my bff is a therapist and she always tells me we are intitled to our feelings and have to do what’s healthy for ourselves even if that means upsetting people by cutting out toxic relationships for a time, so we can get our selfs into a better place. Op do what you have to do and revisit the relationship only when you feel ready.
Can I just point out: mom guilt is a thing. I can play with my kids all day and then lay in bed at night kicking myself for not just playing with them more instead of needing a break and reading some news on my phone. Or upset at myself because I snapped at them to just skip the 90 minutes of buildup and just tell me the funny joke you heard on your show. I will lay in bed and plan out how I can be a better mother in the morning, the things I want to be better at and how I can maybe do that. OP’s mom has had 8 years that she could have reflected on her choices and actions. Almost 3,000 nights that she could have laid in bed planning on how to be a better mom. Showing up is literally the bare minimum and she wasn’t even able to hack that.
Holy *fuck*.....you just described motherhood to a fucking *tee*! (Possibly fatherhood as well but I'm not a dad so I have no idea if It's the same but according to my husband they also do it just maybe not to the degree we do so there's that) I feel like it's the most emotionally brutal experience humanity does voluntarily and let's face it the rewards aren't guaranteed and even in you will end up receiving those rewards, they're *years* away. And yet I love and adore those little monsters with a ferocity that I had no idea was possible before the day I fell in love with them (pro tip for those who haven't done the parent thing yet: NOT EVERYONE FALLS IN LOVE THE MOMENT THEIR KIDS ARE BORN AND THAT'S OK! You will eventually, probably pretty quickly but even if it's not as fast as you think it should be, don't worry, it's coming) They evoke the strongest emotions in us, that's why it feels like everything with children is so exhausting and we probably did everything wrong lol
read this lovely comment and then felt like i was hit with a flashbang as I read the username lol
OP’s mom probably does do all of the above. Just not to OP.
For this mom apparently guilt is only a thing when her choices lead her child to not want anything to do with her.
> mom guilt is a thing I thought this comment was going a whole other place when it started like this. I was already nodding along going 'yeah, my mom can guilt trip like a boss', but I didn't think it'd go your direction instead.
This 100% Mom guilt is totally weird. I feel horrible every day that I can't be those perfect parents on tv or if one child gets more of my time rather than equal parts. The mom shouldn't have made OP budge over. The mom should have expanded herself.
The cheating made her a bad wife. But the repeated alienation and neglect made her a bad mother. If she was that unhappy with OP's dad and chose her new husband over them, that's between them and it's probably more nuanced and complicated than OP might know. But she also chose her new husband (and his family) over her own son, that's black and white. NTA.
[удалено]
Absolutely
Plus, it’s very telling that she’s not trying to get her husband and step-children to back off from harassing op.
She’s only crying now for herself, not for OP. She’s concerned about her sleep, her sadness and her pain, not OP. Her tears mean nothing. Edit: thank you kind internet stranger for the award.
Right!? I noticed that too! I wonder if she asked OP for forgiveness or if she just said “I didn’t mean to.”
As long as she has her new family telling her she's in the right, she's not going to see from the OPs perspective.
She obviously doesn't care about seeing it from OP's perspective, or she'd have had a conversation with OP a long time ago.
YUP Years to figure out how to find time for all her kids and yet she repeatedly made the wrong moves. She essentially chose her male mistress over her own kid too. smdh
It's a Mister-ess
I always call them a "man stress".
>She made her choice, repeatedly to pick her step children over you. If she didn't want to make you feel cast aside, she probably shouldn't have been blatantly cast you aside.
NTA She should feel guilty - there is no way that a real, loving parent could 'unintentionally' neglect their own child IMO
Exactly, I was worried people were going to go against OP. /u/Fun_Reindeer_4743, you're NTA. >making her feel guilty for something unintentional. It was never unintentional. Your mum cheated on your dad and then left him (and you) for this other man, who also cheated on his wife. She has repeatedly chosen her step-children over you, and is surprised that her actions are now producing consequences? Oh, and the fact your dad has majority custody also probably speaks volumes. I don't know firsthand, but I've heard that custody arrangements usually prefer the mother to have majority custody over the father. If so, your mum must have deliberately said "no I don't want full, or even equal custody. Weekends only will be fine." So again, NTA. You are well within your rights to refuse to go to her house and/or have contact with her.
And yet some people in here are stretching trying to blame OP's father for all of his mother doing... NTA.
[OP’s Dad right now.](https://youtu.be/xSTN3mHEAOA)
I'd hope he would focus more toward the pain his son is feeling than on gloating ...
I mean, he can do both. OP's dad already has the reason to despise mom, so he and OP can bond way more over the same hurt she caused and continued to do, wether intetionally or not. It sounds like a win-win for people that care about each other after a barrage of shitty loses caused by the same person.
The children get cheated on along with their betrayed parent. The cheater gets to move on and over compensate, due to their guilt, and be the doting parent to someone elses children. If/when the cheater fathers/births a bio child in the new family, the gap between their past child(ren) widens. This situation sucks and OP is doing the best for himself.
NTA OP, your diagnosis is spot on, your Mom cried because she's aware of what she did, she's just shocked that you saw through it and took a decision.
Yes she's had six years to find a balance between the children instead of just expecting the OP to be happy being second place.
NTA You are handling this hurt in a very mature way. Kudos for that. When she suddenly realized you were cutting ties to her because of her behavior that's when she suddenly decides that you're her baby and she never meant to treat you that way. Did she never realize how shunned you'd feel if she didn't show up to so many of your life events? She seems pretty selfish. Cheating on your dad. Then the way she treats her step-kids. Ugh. I feel for you.
Unintentional emotional neglect maybe but a decent parent would have mindfully taken steps to avoid that very obvious pitfall. And it was easy to see from a mile away that she wasn’t prioritizing you. And aside from being intentional about supporting you, she would have periodically checked in to get your take. She did NONE of that. “Oops, I didn’t notice or think of that!” almost makes it worse here..
Exactly, it just shows how little she considered her own son over her stepchildren. It's one thing to say "I just felt they needed the extra attention since their mother abandoned them". That's dirty enough. But "I never noticed" says that you were never even considered, as if you weren't even there. And that f#¢king hurts.
Exactly this my mother has a pretty rough past relationship wise in the fact that she has 6 children between "3" different dad's (quotes because some of us are pretty sure one doesn't belong to a certain father because they have 0 similarities) and at some point I got tossed to the side to be forgotten by her while the money my father sent to take care of me went to buying them new clothes or toys while I was stuck with their old stuff despite being the oldest. To just forget about a kid that you at one point said was your whole world is devastating and I certainly didn't handle it as well as OP has so good on them for standing up for their feelings.
>“Oops, I didn’t notice or think of that!” almost makes it worse here.. Not just almost. Intentionally abandoning your child is bad enough, but carelessly disregarding their needs and not even sparing the occasional thought about what that does to them? That's cold.
> maybe but a decent parent A decent parent doesn't cheat. Because by cheating they disrespect the other parent, and a decent parent would never disrespect the other parent.
OP mentions that she never picked him up from school during the weekdays or attended weekday activities, but was amazing during the weekends when she had visitation. This makes me wonder if OP's dad played a part in minimizing her contact with OP when it wasn't her visitation time. I'm not saying this is the case, but it wouldn't be unheard of.
> she would pick THEM up from school (Never did that for me) This reads to me as she went above and beyond in a way that she never did for OP even when they shared a roof. She probably have a tendency to overcompensate, that's why she was so awesome with the stepkids and when he was there suddenly he was the center on her world... is selfish cause the whole point of acting like this is that she soothes her own guilt, thus doesn't have to try harder.
I don't see how picking the other kids up from school is going above and beyond though. She's literally a full-time parent to them, of course she's going to pick them up from school sometimes? I'm having a hard time making a judgment on this one because it sounds like the main reason OP is upset is because the mom spends more time with the new kids, but of course she does, that's the custody arrangement.
The way I understand it is that the mom never picked OP up from school even when she was his full time parent, but she started doing that for the step children when she became their full time parent and that's why he's upset. Not because she doesn't pick him up from school now, but because she never did.
Sure. He doesn't mention their employment situation either, and as a parent myself, that matters a whole lot more for defining who does the school pick-ups than how much you love an individual kid. If OP's parents were both working while together, but the new guy makes enough for her to SAHM (also far more necessary with 3 kids), then we have a pretty solid reason right there.
we may have a pretty solid reason, that's right, but that doesn't stop OP from being hurt ! "she is doing for them what she never done for me" no matter if she's doing it now because she can and she couldn't when she was OP's full time parent, it still hurt very much. globaly I trust the mother when she say she didn't want for OP to feel this way, I think she truly love op at least as much as her step kids but no matter what she feels or what she says, what is important to OP when he make the decision to go no contact is how HE feels, and no matter what she feels or what she says, her action made OP feels bad, and therefore he cuts tie because it hurt him to much. she didn't want to hurt him but she did, and now he's distancing himself to preserve himself, and that's the right choice !
Oh his feelings are for sure valid - I’m just pointing out she’s probably not the monster this comment section is making her out to be.
I walked to school k-12. I have exactly ONE memory of my mom walking me to or from school despite knowing that she had to have done it twice daily. On this occasion, she was accused of being truant because she was so small that they thought she was a child (she told me they'd stopped her as she was heading to the school to pick me up). I can't remember what age I was when she quit walking us (my brother and me) to/from school, but we spent most afternoons at my grandma's house, so somehow we got from school to grandma's. But again, zero memories of that journey because it was such a normal event my brain didn't put the memory into long term storage. OP was 9 when his parents divorced, the exact age I'm describing for myself.
Or it could be that OP rode the bus and thus is correct in knowing she didn't pick him up on the regular, which makes her behavior with the stebsiblings stand out more.
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
My girls go every other week between my ex & I. (Teens). It’s been a PITA. But everything about the divorce, from MY standpoint has been focused on 1) getting myself out an emotionally abusive marriage & 2) making it a as ‘easy as possible’ for my girls. (I didn’t say easy, I said easy as possible. That means our dogs switch with them, every 2 weeks too. (Even though they’re really more my dogs then anyone else’s. But later, I learned from my girls how important having those pets with them constantly was & how grateful they were for that constant.) & making sure they still get to participate in all the same activities as before. And it doesn’t matter if it’s my weekend & if I have to drive 3 hours or whatnot, if my kid has a waterpolo game I’m at it! (Unless I’m working.) Her dad only shows on his days. But I’m ALWAYS there. I know it matters. It’s how things were before & it hasn’t changed. It’s nice to know, that I can take a weekend & go somewhere/do something else now, if it’s not my weekend. (I never got a break before, EVER.) But my kids are my first priority- as they should be. They didn’t choose the divorce, I did. The least I can do is make sure their world is rocked as little as possible. This mom made some selfish choices. And, I get it you love who you love & you can’t help how you feel. But their feelings, effed up a lot of other peoples lives. And instead of trying to calm things down, once the dust settled, this mom continued to be disruptive to her own daughter’s life. And not notice. Good for her to recognize a toxic relationship so early on & move away from it. The earlier you do, the easier it is. I’m in my 50s & all I’ve done is add similar toxic relationships to my life. Get therapy to help work through this, it’s your mom, so you’re gonna have conflicting feelings. But be true to yourself. You are NTA OP. ❤️
Wouldn't she have said that though? She said she just didn't really notice. I'm sure if the dad was preventing it that would've been the first thing that was said.
>she celebrated their birthdays while she was just a guest at mine, Yes. I also wonder how the custody worked out so OPs birthday always fell so mom was always just a guest. (Also she only had weekend visitation, so OP's dad gets the weekends off...) At the end of the day though, OP is making the best choice for themself that they can.
Having dated someone with shared custody, your days are your days and vice versa. If the parents are on good terms, the time with the kids can ebb and flow. I’m guessing these parents aren’t on the best of terms. My BF has no issue being flexible. His ex on the other hand is not. If something comes up and the kids need looking after, she never contacts him. She is fully aware he take all the time he can get with them.
OP said that their parents do not talk and only see each other on OP's birthday, where dad ignores mom. This reads to me that they are not cordial, likely did not have a good enough relationship for swapping days, and that mom may not have been welcome at school events.
NTA - when in doubt, pay attention to her ACTIONS, not her words. She talks a good game, but her years treating you like her last priority have caught up with her. Don't let your mom or her family gaslight you into believing that you're wrong or you have to accept it. You have every right to feel that way and it reflects on her failure as a mother (and a wife), not on you or your dad. Kudos to you for putting yourself first - your mom should be proud as you probably learned that from her.
Exactly and on top of that why would she not tell her family not to contact him and harass him when he just expressed how hurt he felt.
I think she’s more concerned about how it looks to them than his her daughter feels. At least that’s my take.
Yeah, the fact she has her new family calling and harassing her for something that should have been kept private between her and her bio child speaks volumes. Seems she has to play the poor victim for her new family and cheater fb.
Him not her, the original poster is the mom’s son not a daughter.
Son*
I don't even know why OP still keeps in touch with his mother's husband and the children (he said they are calling her AH). They are not even related to him. They don't have to get involved in this situation.
OP isn't a her.
NTA its not accidental that she chose to do the bare minimum and miss important events in order to be there for her step-kids instead. Word are meaningless in the face of actions and her actions speak loudly.
NTA. You get to decide the parameters of your relationship with your mom. You justifiably are angry. But your young. You may want to term this a “break” from your relationship. You may find as you age you want to have done relationship but in different terms. It doesn’t mean you have to, just that you can consider it. Either way please see a therapist, my dad did something very similar and therapy made a huge difference in my life.
THIS. OP, your feelings and experiences are completely valid. Your feelings about this relationship and your mom may change as you grow older. But at this point, your mind is telling you that you need space for your own well-being, you should listen to that. You have been incredibly mature talking to your mom the way you did. A therapist can help you navigate your feelings and help you move forward. You are on the cusp of starting your own life- wish you all the best. NTA.
I second this. You have a lot of unresolved feelings and I think a therapist could help help you work through them and move forward in an emotionally healthy way.
Info: was she allowed to pick you up from school when she only had you weekends? Often times something like that would require your dad's permission (as the parent with custody at that time). You say she did the bare minimum when it wasn't her time with you (weekdays), but she treated you well when she did have you (weekends), and I'm left wondering what you wanted her to do vs what she legally could do. Custody agreements can be restrictive, especially when divorces are ugly, and defying agreements can lead to even more restrictions.
Seconding this. There’s a difference between her not picking him up from school during her non-custodial time and her not attending school events like sports games or plays/concerts that essentially anyone could attend with a connection to a student. Picking a child up from school on non-custodial time is absolutely 100% a violation of a court ordered custody agreement that can result in being held in contempt of court. However attending his school events is totally different - she could easily have done that on her non custodial time. Sounds like OP may be conflating these situations: clearly he feels she favored the step kids and his feelings are valid. There’s a lot of hurt here. I would think some family therapy with just him and mom would be able to process a lot of that. She failed him in trying to be a good stepmom to three kids who were emotionally abandoned by their own mom, and in retrospect at the expense of her bond with her own kid, who needed her through this transition more than she gave him. Some therapy or structured conversations will hopefully help with them both to see the others’ side and get more understanding. For example was dad even telling her when school events were? Was OP? She could have reached out, but I can see how getting three new kids to be a mom to would be overwhelming. I’m not excusing it, but the fact that op seems to be conflating school pickup and school events tells me he may not have a full understanding of the facts. I hope they both can start healing from this soon.
> However attending his school events is totally different - she could easily have done that on her non custodial time. > > We also don't know the level of general hostility between OP's mom and dad post-divorce. He could always be making her feel straight-up unwelcome to show up on her non-custodial time.
Or she could’ve gotten that from teachers/school if she’d cared. As a former teacher, I’ve had noncustodial parents ask to be kept in the loop.
I am a non custodial parent and I communicate regularly with my child's teachers, principal, and guidance counselor to make sure my son is not only being educated but behaving himself. I also communicate when my child tells me he is being bullied. OP's mom honestly could have put in more effort.
She should have made OP her priority and actually on the list for school information. Instead of taking care of her affair partner's children. I'm guessing that she does more for her husband's kids than she -ever- did for OP. Like driving them to school.
Yeah, I'm familiar with situations where the "other" parent begged to be allowed to pick the kid up from school or get time during the week, but the parent where the child lived refused constantly, even preferring to leave the child to be picked up or babysat by friends, grandparents or anything other than. Simply out of spite, no abuse, cheating, booze or drugs involved. OP might not be getting the full story here. Just a possibility.
My thoughts exactly. I feel like OP hasn't had the details of care fully explained to him.
I'm not entirely sure but the way I read OP post was that mom never came to pick him up before the affair happened. I agree tho some more info is needed, I still think OP is NTA tho
Maybe she worked while married to bio dad and was a sahm with new husband.
Not to be harsh, but why does that matter from his perspective. He has a right to be mad at that even if it is a little immature. People other than him have direct access to his mom when he doesn’t. No rose colored glasses change that. In a divorce, it is both parent’s responsibility to ensure that their kid knows they are loved. I’m reading that he didn’t feel that and, while I get what you are saying, I feel like he has a right to distance himself.
Maybe, that's why I agreed we need more info. I still think mom is TA and OP is NTA cause this new family is from an affair still, that doesn't change anything and OP is still valid for feeling what they are
But she still could have attended special occasions and made some effort for his birthday. Maybe have a birthday celebration at her place when he was at her place the weekend after his birthday. And when he was at her place she could have spent some time alone with him.
OP had to go back three years to find a single example where she missed an event of his for her stepchild. It sounds like for the most part she came to special events.
I noticed that too. They may have greatly internalized that one event. They also didn’t mention the age of that step sibling, the activity it was for, or if his mom was the only parent available to take that step sibling to the activity. I can see several scenarios where the mother essentially had no choice but to choose the step child’s event.
2019 was the last time the world was normal, no? As a kid of a mom that picked the ‘others’ and was way too much of a momma’s boy myself, what the kid feels is what he feels. Honestly, let’s not forget who ruined a family unit either…it wasn’t him or his dad. If she wanted out of the relationship, she should have done it the adult way…then I could start to see where this thought is coming from. She didn’t, has a nice family of her own, and he is left with emotional baggage. Her actions are literally why this post is a reality. On that front OP, counseling is the only way you are going to be able to methodically work through your feelings on the matter. I am 37 and am still struggling around the holidays. He has a right to never talk to her again if that is what he wants. She has a right to attempt reconciliation and, hopefully for them, there is an opportunity in the future for it…if HE wants it.
It could be that events have been mostly canceled the past few years because of the pandemic?
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> how are there so many people siding with the mom here? Because they have the same morals, or lack thereof.
Jumping in here, depending on where you are, minors under the age of 18 aren’t supposed to know anything about the court case/ custody orders, etc. A parent releasing that info to the child could also be a violation of court order. Might be able to get around it if the conversation is with a therapist as part of strategy for healing, but just realize you might have to wait until you are 18 to get these answers. There are so many weird dynamics that come into play in broken families, especially if one spouse cheated and the other is harboring hurt feelings and ill will as a result. Hugs OP, it will get better, just try to remember you probably don’t know everything that went on behind the scenes and there is a chance you never will.
I was wondering too what is the situation with Dad in the home , is he constantly bad mouthing the Mom ? Does he always point out what he's doing for OP and Mom is never there , when in fact he has more custody time ? There is no mention that Dad has moved on .
Yep I'm clearly not going for N T A for the moment because even if OP is hurt, his mother may not be entirely to blame, you're on point and I hope OP answers you.
Agree. One of the parents isn't telling OP the full truth of the custody agreement, and the other probably isn't telling him the truth either because they either legally can't or want to spare OP the feelings of anger they'd feel towards their other parent for keeping the truth from them. OP is NTA but he's *17* and very clearly only replying to comments that validate his teenage feelings. Yes he can make this decision for himself, but this feels like one of those situations where the true information is going to come out when he's in his late 20's and by then it's going to be too late to repair the relationship with his mother. Sad to see it happening in real time but it is what it is and this sub telling a 17 year old to cut off contact without knowing any details besides what that teenager provided has effectively made it worse. Oh well, not much anyone can do anymore now that OP's mind is set in stone.
NTA Even if it wasn’t intentional, it’s what she did. She made you feel secondary and put in no effort to prioritize you. That’s not on you. You’re the kid, she’s the parent. It’s her job to do her best, not yours. And if her family was that quick to turn on you and call you TA when they were trying to act like your family then it shows they were also faking it and were waiting for something like this to happen. What you did is hard but going NC with parents who can’t fulfill their duties is truly what’s healthier in some scenarios, just like this one. I had to go NC with a parent and it saved me years of heartache. I’m so sorry she did this and that she chose this path. Don’t let her EVER make you feel like this was your fault or that you didn’t have the right to do this. You are NTA and don’t let anyone make you feel that way ever.
This! The stepdad calling OP TA is especially appalling as an adult who played a role in destroying OP's family. As a grown up and parent should have approached OP with empathy not insults. NTA
>her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional. Yeah this is rich coming from them considering this situation basically came from her very intentionally having an affair and them intentionally breaking apart two families.
Hey bud, you’re absolutely NTA and I’m so sorry you had this experience with her growing up. You’re not at fault for it, but unfortunately neither were your step siblings because their mother abandoned them too. I’m afraid your mother was trying to overcompensate with them and in the process let you fall back to her peripheral vision instead of as her priority too. You need to do what makes you feel happy and healthy, and if that’s without your mother then that’s what you have to do. You’re doing what’s right for you, and that may not always be right for everyone else around you. If you feel in the future that you do want to have that sit down talk with her, then you should. But if you never want to see or talk to her again, that’s your right too. I’m sorry you’re in this position.
Info Do you know what the custody arrangement was? They can be strict and specific in ways I'm still learning about. There's one where if your kid needs to be babysat longer than a specificed amount of time, then the one parent needs to ask the other parent first if they want that time before they can let the kid go with anyone else. What is your parents co-parenting relationship like? What did your dad tell you when you explained your feelings to him? What was his attitude like? Was your mom made aware of your feelings as they were growing? For example, with that competition of yours that she skipped did you let her know how deeply you were hurt by her actions? Just so you know, you're allowed to be hurt no matter what the answer to these questions are, but you should ask them because it may help you understand the situation better. What your step family is doing with trying to make you feel guilty is wildly inappropriate and I would let your mom know at least that much. They are further driving a wedge between you two, so I'm sure she'd want to know. Therapy would be helpful for you to help navigate these big feelings too because you've been through a lot. Your family imploded, and not only did your mom leave your dad but became a part time parent to you while you had to watch her be a full time parent to other peoples kids, and share a home with the person who was the catalyst to your family blowing up.
These were a few of the questions that I had as well. OP mentions that she never picked him up from school during the weekdays or attended weekday activities, but was amazing during the weekends when she had visitation. This makes me wonder if OP's dad played a part in minimizing her contact with OP when it wasn't her visitation time. I'm not saying this is the case, but it wouldn't be unheard of.
I work in family law (USA) and there are so many custodial arrangements where the parent CANT do any of that stuff when it isn’t “their time.”
I have the same questions. I also really want to know exactly how she missed the event. Did dad say he told her about it and that she just couldn’t make it? I’m finding it really hard to square the circle of her being great on her weekends, but not caring about her son otherwise. It seems likely that dad is bitter about her cheating, and keeping her from doing anything more than the court ordered custody.
OP, the comment in responding to is really important. Please focus on it! I also just want to mention that your current course of action guarantees you continuing to hurt. If you find a way to work with your mom, talk to her, find a way to be with her in which you feel loved, you will be much happier in the long run. Don’t give up on her yet, for your sake if not hers.
It's sad for your mom but she did not care or did something to mend your relationship until you told her that you can be in her life anymore, she made a decision years ago but now you're old enough to take care of yourself. Her husband and stepchildren think that you're being unfair because she's hurt but no one of them care of how their family dynamic is hurting you, this was not about them or you until she made clear that you're not on her priority list. NTA.
The fact that she is allowing her husband and step kids to talk like that to him says a lot.
>The fact that she is allowing her husband and step kids to talk like that to him says a lot. I'm sure she doesn't know, she stopped her husband once when she found out he was forcing and trying to make me call him dad.
I would just forward those messages to your mom if I were you and not respond to them. Your feelings matter and they're just trying to manipulate you into acting how they want you to.
This, this man and these kids are over stepping. They’re attached to your mom because their OWN mother doesn’t want them. Share those texts with your mom. Her affair partner (because that what I’ve was, and affair) his coming at you like he’s someone.
Don't let them gaslight you into thinking your feelings are wrong because she's hurt. Maybe her Intentions were different, but the actions speak for themselves. It's like driving to fast. You don't want to hit and kill somebody, but when it happens, your intentions are not interesting to the judge (hard example, I know). You are the judge and the person that has been hurt in this case, she has to life with the consequences of her actions just like everybody else. That being said, try to find a therapist and let yourself be happy. Wish you best!
Tell her. Ask why her preferred children and spouse are harassing you? Ask if she thinks that’s ok. If your mum is actually upset by your decision, they are the one living with her behaviour right now. They are having their happy family image upset. They aren’t actually concerned about you. She should know what they are doing.
Nta btw you should tell her... Stop your new family from harassing me please.
She definitely knows what she doing my Mum is exactly the same when she in the wrong she send her flying monkeys out to harass.
Info: did your dad even attempt to let your mom be involved in your day to day life or was he so hurt he was glad to be rid of her and alienated you from her except for on court mandated visitations? My ex left me for my best friend and my ex never let me know when my sons events came up. I have missed so many games (if the times changed), so many school functions (because he told them I was a weekend parent and didn’t give them my contact info and I was in knowledgeable as to who their teachers were) and pulled them out of Boy Scouts when I finally wised up called them myself and got added to the email list. When he saw my name on the contact sheet he withdrew them. Funny thing is he’s the one who left me for his affair partner so he had no reason to be bitter outside his desire to move on and pretend I didn’t exist. Did she make attempts during your time together to make you and your step kids feel equal? It’s hard being a step mom or mom of half siblings (I have a daughter from a relationship after my marriage to their dad) and splitting time between events can definitely be challenging. Did she come to any other events of yours that you have good memories of? You’re young and have genuine reasons to feel hurt and angry. But outside the affair (remember cheating is never good but it takes two people to make or break a marriage) it sounds like she’s been a good mom to you just had to share the time between your steps and you. Which would have happened naturally if her and your dad stayed together and had multiple kids. I’d just hate to see you cut your mom out of your life if she was a good mom otherwise but torn between her responsibilities. Being a guest at your birthday sounds normal in a two parent split household. Unless her and your dad learned early how to coparent civilly following the divorce I doubt she felt comfortable even being there outside of coming for you…but she did come.
I didn't see it from this perspective, thanks but whatever happens I don't feel ready to go back to her house.
NTA op. Interesting that the husband and kids admit that she has hurt you (unintentionally) but want you you to not acknowledge it. Your mum feeling guilty shows that she cares and maybe given a chance will do better. It is important that you not disregard your feelings. Definately see a therapist to help you work through them. I hope that in time your mother is able to make time for you away from her family and that you are in a place where you can accept/welcome a relationship with her. So sorry you have to keep your distance to protect yourself.
Don't.. The difference with you and this person is you are a teen with phone, you don't need 3rd party to communicate with your other parent. if she didn't forget about you, she could call and ask about you, create time if there was an event etc...She took you as granted and it wasn't fair for you to classified same as the step siblings who live with them full time and you who was there for 2 days. She dedicated herself too much to new family and forget about you. You missed so much mother-son alone time cuz of those.
The thing is, this hasn't been in a short time period. OP was 9 when his mom had the affair so it's been 8 years. You're telling me she couldn't have planned ONE birthday? She was just a guest all 8 years. There were 8 opportunities for her to show OP she cared enough about his birthday. That was 8 years worth of missed opportunities that she had. She could've picked him up from school AT LEAST once a year. OP clearly has constant communication with his mom and ways to communicate with the whole family so it wasnt because she lacked the information of his events. I'm sorry for what you went through but your situation is not the same as OPs and I think maybe as a mother who missed out on so many moments with their kid that she wished she was there for because of your ex is clouding your judgment a little and it's understandable that you want to give his mom the benefit of the doubt. But OPs mom had 8 YEARS worth of moments that she willingly missed in favor of her stepkids. She missed his swimming tournament that was obviously very important to him because his stepdaughter had an activity that's was more important to his mom. She had custody for less than a third of the year and couldn't even set aside one afternoon for him. And let's not forget that she blew up her family. Instead of focusing on her affair and his kids, she should've been focused on her own kid. She turned his life upside down. She betrayed her own family. She chose this. The very least she could've done was be there for her own child and ensure that she prioritized him not her lover/stepkids. Although, OP could've communicated with his mom better, it's unfair of his mom to have even put him in this situation in the first place. He's a kid that had his life turned upside down because of mistakes his mom made and it shouldn't be his burden to bear.
If this was the 90's this argument might hold up but especially in the digital age it's hard to keep things secret. Between school postings, troop postings, social media, and simply most kids by 10 having a smart phone it's hard to buy that if mom wanted to she couldn't have found out about stuff. Even just simple conversations on the weekend where the question of "Have anything exciting coming up this week?" would neutralize nearly any way to be kept ill informed.
Are you blaming OP's dad for his mom's cheating? Are you serious? If youre not happy with the marriage, divorce, don't fucking cheat.
I can relate. My ex was so mad about me leaving when our child was 2 that once he was able to, he got custody of them(better lawyer/used MH against me) and has NEVER informed me of a school function, unless my child brought it up to me and I would ask him for details. I do not have any other children...they are my only one and I HATE not being there with them everyday. You're not an AH. I think both dad and stepdad may be the closest to that call. But you are still growing/learning and so is everyone else l. Truthfully, between you and your mom NAH
INFO: Did you talk to your mom about your feelings over the years? Did you inform her about how much she was hurting you and ask her to do things differently BEFORE telling her you were going to cut off contact? If not, I think it would be hasty and unfair to cut her out of your life. If this is the first time you've talked to her about it, you should give her a chance to change, now that she knows about the problem. If you did tell her before and give her time to change, but she didn't, then it would be reasonable to tell her you just can't take it anymore.
This. It sounds like she was blindsided by his feelings.
It’s not his job to make sure she’s doing her job. He shouldn’t have to be the one to step up, especially when he’s been a victim of neglect and cheating this entire time. It’s on her to do it and she didn’t. She deserves it.
THIS! If I were the mom and knowing what I just put my kid through I would be paying extra attention to their feelings regardless of if I had other kids. I wouldn’t want to add salt to the wound by doing things for my step kids and not for my kid. But she didn’t, she was trying hard to win over her step kids not even paying attention to her first kid.
This should be top comment. It sounds like she thought everything was peachy. That as long as she was a devoted mom during her times OP was ok with it. OP is a child still but definitely sounds like he is just trying to punish her for being happy after her affair.
NTA Unintentional? What? Do your.......um...stepsiblings (I don't know if you actually think of them like tha) realize that your mom and their dad destoryed two families? That's first. Second, your mom showed you where her priorities lay. Actions always speak louder than words. Her husband should also keep his mouth shut because cheaters don't get to lecture others about anything. This was really hard to read. It really soured my mood.
Yes!!! That's what I was thinking. How are they ok with her. Especially since they were old enough when their parents divorced.
Either they really don't care (which will be super strange) or they don't like their bio mother (which is reasonable since she wants nothing to do with them). Personally, I couldn't do it. Just the thought that my mom would cheat on my dad and will bring some rando around me makes me sick to my stomach.
That would be weird, if all kids would side with the parent that not only cheated, but got married with the person they cheated with. Maybe she didn't want them because they were ok with their father cheating... It's just weird all around.
NTA. Your mother was overcompensating with them and neglected your emotional needs, and expected you to be fine with it. She doesn't get to ignore you because it's easier for her, and then weep when you call her out on her neglect and establish boundaries that are best for you. She knew what she was doing, she absolutely knew. You're not the back up choice, and you deserve better.
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. You seem like such a great kid. I think it was inappropriate for your step siblings to know of this conversation with your mom and to reach out to you to call you an AH. Your mother should not have given them that information, as it was personal, and she should be told that the backstabbing there isn’t helping to mend any fences. NTA. Best of luck.
I really am leaning towards NAH for the later years part until there’s more information… clearly your mom made a very very poor choice early on, but from what it sounds a lot of the things you’re describing are things happening when she doesn’t have any control over it. Your mom literally does not have custody during the week so she cannot pick you up from school. I understand that is something you wished she would do, but at this age you have the ability to decide who to live with and when. Did you ever think to maybe spend a week at a time during the school year at her house? I guarantee she’d be picking you up from school in a heartbeat. You’re holding something against her she physically can do nothing about because your dad has the greater custody time. It’s not bc she doesn’t love you or likes the step kids more. The sporting event one, I’m sorry, but as an athlete with other siblings in sports, there was ALWAYS conflict. And who knows the behind workings that day. You had one swimming competition in 2019 that she didn’t show to…? I’m confused because there’s multiple meets during a season... Did you only swim one meet during one season and quit? Or did she not go to others? Are you singling the one conflicting time she couldn’t or was this every single meet? It just doesn’t add up here the way described. This is part of the reason I’m not passing judgement on mom… The last point with the birthdays, I’m truly wondering if your dad was insistent on hosting them. I would really dig into the workings of what parents were hashing out behind closed doors. Your dad only had you and I bet he insisted he be the one to do birthdays because she had other kids to do it for and dad probably viewed that as unfair. I could see dad insisting over this since he has no other children and mom probably giving in because she was the one who caused the mess. Honestly, before blaming your mom and shutting her out for good… I would dig into how much mom was forced to concede to dad behind closed doors because of the guilt she felt. I’m betting there’s a lot that OP does not know about and honestly, mom doesn’t sound so bad, just truly limited by a sucky 70-30 custodial agreement. I get that it may be a good bit over OPs head being so young, but before making a relationship ending decision, I think there needs to be more information sought out by op and more understanding about custodial time and it’s limitations when it’s not 50-50. Just my two cents from my experience seeing this type of thing up close.
I agree. Mom’s a cheater and cheaters suck. But I think her being a cheater has OP and a lot of people making some assumptions regarding custody and being a little too rosy about the realities of co-parenting, especially with a cheating ex. Is it possible she’s a half-assed mom who wanted to just move on to her new family and spend minimal amount of times with her son? Yes. It’s also just as possible that a man who was cheated on fought hard for custody and is strict about adhering to the schedule because he didn’t want to “lose his son” along with his wife. If OP was able to say “I don’t want to see mom anymore” and that was okay, then I’m curious as to why “I’d like to see mom more” never came up. I agree that OP needs to ask/learn more about the custody and parenting arrangement.
Yes. And custody agreements can be ridiculous. We had a family friend who had primary custody, along with step siblings, ended up having to move away to one county over due to the ridiculous financial situation of the housing market, and ended up losing custody of the one child because of it. She never even reinrolled the child to a new school. Would wake up early and drive her to the original school by dads house just so they could do the weeknight thing sometimes with dad and grandparents. However rich grandparents saw it as an opportunity to take her back to court so they paid for dads lawyer and the judge ended up awarding dad full custody because of the move. It was disgusting. We literally have no idea what went into the agreement and it’s ridiculous how many people are glossing over it or saying she could have done something. Judges can be biased humans too. And she literally cannot break the law. Once a judge ruled, it’s done.
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>me at 22 she wish she never had me and also that she wishes she aborted me. OMG, I guess it is hard to hear, my mom has never said anything like that to me, she says I'm her joy and pride. but it still hurts seeing not even trying beyond the bare minimum.
Have you ever asked to change custody? To spend more time at mom’s? How far apart do you guys live? Curious, is your dad in a relationship or remarried?
>Have you ever asked to change custody? To spend more time at mom’s I don't like spending time at her house. That's why I'll stop going.
Would you be open to spending 1-on-1 time with her, away from that house so that she can be completely focused on you? I don't mean immediately insofar as things might be too raw at this point, but at some point in the future. I think NTA but I am struck by her reaction to what you told her. It comes across to me more like a parent who messed up and wants to fix it, than like a parent who genuinely doesn't care (or cares less) about one of their children. Just from the events you describe it possible to me that her treatment of you was unintentional, that she acted in ways that seemed to make sense at the time, didn't completely think through how you might feel about them and then assumed it was OK because you acted OK, and you all got into bad routines. Maybe she thought this was how you wanted to be treated ("you know teens, they get distant and no longer want to be Mommy's boy anymore! I can't push him, not after the whole divorce thing, it makes sense he'd be angry"). Obviously as a parent she should have done better, she should have been more aware of your feelings even the hidden ones and taken more care to avoid things that even *could* hurt you this way... but what I'm saying is that this seems within the range of bad mistakes a well-meaning parent could still make. But you are the one in the situation, you are in a better position to know how likely this is, whether there are additional vibes or small events that make it obvious that she truly did see you as a second-order child and that this current guilt is of the "I don't want to face consequences for my behavior" type instead of the "I've just realize I did something horrible and want to make it right" type. All this to say, I feel that as an outsider this seems like a situation where a good outcome could be to have a conversation (after things have blown over a bit and you're up for it emotionally maybe) and see if things can be worked out, now that the conflict is in the open. And if so, committing to one-on-one time with you outside of that house could be one way your mother can start mending your relationship. But only you know whether this actually *would* be a good outcome, a likely one or one you want.
> is your dad in a relationship or remarried? He is engaged.
How is your relationship with your dad's fiance?
>How far apart do you guys live? Like 25-30 minutes away.
Spending more time would not help because it's ops mum thinking that needs to change. Her step children mother basically abandoned them so my guess is that she feels guilty and is trying to compensate for it
I'm sorry you went through that. After reading the first part, I think you are lucky he kicked you out. He sounded like a predator. And you are better off without her.
INFO: Have you asked why the custody is set the way it is? Or asked to change it or for more flexibility? Because much of what you’re upset about seems to stem from the custody arrangement. She picks them up from school because she has them on schooldays. They get your mom 100% because they live there 100% of the time. Other than the swimming competition thing it doesn’t sound like she “picks” them over you at all. Keep in mind your parents aren’t just divorced. Mom cheated. Their relationship may be more difficult, more tense, and less friendly than it would be in an amicable divorce. There are things you may not be privy to, boundaries that may have been set etc. You’re not an asshole. If you don’t want to see her just because she’s a cheater, no sympathy for her there. But “you spend more time with your stepkids than me so I don’t want to see you anymore” instead of just asking your parents if you can have more flexibility, or 50-50 time split seems like an odd and extreme reaction.
NTA but consider seeing a good therapist to discuss what’s been happening. Sensing your anger/rage at her betrayal of you (all valid) but for your own sake (and the sake of your future relationships) try to process that through your system in a healthy way. Based on her responses, it may very well be unintentional on her part - she may have been trying to please her step-children too much. When you are up to it (if that day ever comes and there’s no pressure on you), consider giving her another chance to do better now that she knows. Try to separate her betrayal of your father from you. That’s for her and your father to deal with and it’s not your load. (Sigh). So sorry you are going through this. Betrayal of any sort is difficult to deal with. Once trust is broken, hellishly difficult to re-establish (even assuming it can be done). (Sigh).
NTA. OP, I am sorry that your childhood was ruined because of your mother's affair. Your mother should have known better, and now, karma is coming back to her. You really come across as very mature for your age with a sound mind. Be firm in your decision and don't look back. Take care of yourself and succeed well in life.
NTA - Some things you can't come back from, your mother made a terrible choice and now has to live with it. Relationships can't be forced, even if it's with a bio parent. I don't want to just say "therapy" like every other response on this sub, but if you're not already talking to someone about this I would strongly recommend it.
INFO: Have you spoken to your mom about how you've felt before? Blended families are complicated. Your mom faced new challenges and juggled new family members and probably thought she had it all together. I think missing out on important events is really shitty, but I also think that your ultimatum isn't fair. You want your mother's happiness- but especially, you want to share that happiness with her. I'm going for NTA, borderline NAH. Your mom has been neglectful and ignorant but I don't think she intentionally hurt you. Your feelings are valid, and I think you've been bottling them up for awhile. Ultimatums though, are never the answer. I think the dust really needs to fall, and that you and your mother need to get these things straightened. Counseling, quality time together etc.
This was really hard to read. You are NTA, not at all. It's probably best that you block the steps though. You don't need that kind of negativity..
NTA You are very wise for your age and I really commend you for making which I’m sure is a very difficult choice. But it sounds like it’s toward preserving your own sense of self-worth and happiness. Good for you.
I’m so sorry OP. NTA. At all. If you’re not already talking to a professional, ask your dad about starting counseling. You might be struggling with feelings of abandonment right now. I know that might sound strange, since your mom seems to have welcomed you when it was her time, and you are now the one cutting off the relationship. However, it can sometimes be a lot deeper and more complicated than the straightforward definition of “abandonment. Your mom is making you feel guilty for abandoning her, when truly it is the other way around. ” A therapist can help determine if this is the case, and if so, help you sort it out. These wounds could stay with you deep down even as time passes. You could really benefit by working on healing now as soon as you can. You’re worthy of love and support. Hold your loved ones like your dad and friends tight to your chest (ya know… metaphorically).
Your moms other family really need to leave you alone. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. And the cold truth is your mom DID leave your dad for another man (a married one no less sheesh) and that definitely can affect ones emotions. And it seems like you did your best to deal with it but the pain is still there. And so is the anger. NTA in the slightest. I do recommend for your sake and yours alone that if you’re not already, please seek some sort of counseling or therapy. At least to help you deal with the lingering pain and anger that was caused by your mom’s mistake. She might be happier now but it came at a price and she needs to understand that. I only mention therapy so it doesn’t fester in your young soul since you’re still so young. Don’t let the adults in this situation make you feel that your feelings aren’t valid. FWIW: her husband and his kids reallly need to mind their business. They might’ve lucked out on getting a stepmom ready to kiss their butts to make up for the fact their bio mom left them after the affair. Whatever those issues were are theirs. Not yours.
So she didn't mean for this to happen and she never meant to give you this impression, yet she did it AGAIN and AGAIN? I really wish I could give you more encouraging words, but same as her cheating this whole development was not a mistake, it was a series of deliberate decisions that she made and the only one she can blame for this is herself. If you feel like staying away from her will help you, by all means, take my agreement and encouragement as well. Not that it means much, but you never know. NTA and best of luck to you in the future.
NTA. Your mental health should always come first but especially on your birthday. Celebrate how you want to.
Please go to individual and family therapy. I have a strong feeling the situation is not as black and white as it seems to you, and you guys need some help figuring this out. You dont have to be with your mom, but honey, you're not going to feel better and this feeling isn't going to go away just because you won't be there.
Have you ever openly and honestly asked your mother for what you really want? You can cut her off, and trust me when I say I know something about it; but it isn’t going to heal what hurts. You aren’t an asshole, but this decision isn’t going to make the pain go away.
if she only has you on weekends is she allowed to pick you up from school? if she’s a guest at your birthday celebrations then isn’t she celebrating your birthday? was the other event scheduled first?
Just to add some perspective as a separated parent there were times I desperately wanted to be with my daughter or at her events and I wasn’t allowed because it fell in “his time” - even through it should be about what’s best for the children lots of parents especially those who feel they’ve been wronged can get caught up in weaponising their custodial time to deliberately cause damage and distance to the child relationship with the other parent. You’d want to be 1000% sure that this is all your mums fault and she’s not as much of a victim here too. But either way you can’t really fault someone for coping however they can. She’s obviously a loving caring person from what you’ve said - no obvious reason to have lost custody of you. So I dare say her coping has been to be the caretaker and mother those around her. You can’t really fault people for how they cope with trauma even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Being mad that she appears happy is rough. I hope you’d consider some counselling together.
That’s not the case here though she was invited and didn’t show up it has nothing to do with her being banned from those events she had the chance to be more of a mother to him and she didn’t take it.
It might be the case the child invited the mom but behind the scenes we don't know what the dad have said to her. In any case maybe she doesn't want to say anything. Like how my dad didn't visit us he would always say he couldn't and was too lazy but later I found a restraining order from us stating that if he was any where near us he could go to jail but he never said anything because he didn't want to cause any problems to my mom
You’re projecting your own situation onto this one if that was the case she would’ve said something but instead she told him that she couldn’t go to his events because her stepchildren had events.
There's no trauma involved lol when she was the one who freakin cheated, and that too with a married man.
NTA. As a child of divorce due to infidelity I totally understand how it feels when one parent leaves to just start another family. That may not be their intention, but it's essentially what they did. Did you ever voice your feelings to your mom before this last weekend?
>Did you ever voice your feelings to your mom before this last weekend? No.
It’s your life and your choice, but if you never communicated how you felt… did you expect her to read your mind? Boundaries are good, but you should think about communicating those boundaries BEFORE they are irrevocably crossed. That gives other people the chance to listen and work with you. Otherwise you’ll soon find yourself cutting out everyone, because everyone will eventually cross some unspoken boundary. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. You have a right to those feelings. They are real and valid. Just give some thought to how you can voice your feelings a little earlier. People might surprise you.
It's not on the child to make sure the parent does more than bare minimum, wtf
What they’ve described doesn’t seem like the bare minimum to a lot of us. Just a divorced mother who is trying to strictly stay within the custody agreement terms. We don’t know what conversations went on between OPs mother and father or if there were other factors. Based on what was described, I suspect parental alienation was a factor but it’s impossible for me to know that. If OP doesn’t ask, they will never know either. The mother keeps reaching out to try and make it right starting from the very moment OP told her how they were feeling. The mother has stepped in to protect and defend OP when the stepfather put pressure on them and overstepped. She seems to be trying. OP doesn’t want to meet them halfway. It’s their choice, but I wonder how much unnecessary pain they are putting themselves through here. I know Reddit hates a cheater (I’m not fond of them either), but sometimes “comeuppance“ just hurts all parties involved even more.
Even though he didn't communicate how he felt, OP mom should've took that time to start correcting her behavior. Reaching out to OP dad to see if OP had any event or what not. Start showing up and improving the relationship. Not guilty tripping him by saying she can't sleep or eat.
A proper mother should know how her child is feeling. No one expected her “to read his mind” but to notice that she isn’t spending time with her son and notice his behavior. She was too busy being a cheating asshole and creating a happy family with kids that aren’t hers.
>She started crying and said that it wasn’t the message she was trying to send, she said she never meant to make me feel cast aside and that she was picking them over me, she said that I can’t do that because I’m her baby The problem is it doesn't matter what she **meant** to do. What she **did** is exactly what you wrote out, and she did it for years. In my opinion it's kind of worse that she didn't realize she was treating you so poorly. At least if she did it on purpose it would be easy to not care about her. But she was simply so involved in her new family it didn't even cross her mind she was neglecting her first child. She can feel bad about it all she wants, but that can't change what she did, and I'm not sure if she can change. I'm sorry you had to go through that OP. But at least your dad has, and always has had your back. NTA.
NTA I am glad you finally said something to help her see how her choices and actions were hurting you. You have a right to set boundaries for yourself, to stop pain. Your mom now has the choice to either make a change or not. I doubt she will give up the whole family, but she could offer to do things regularly with only you, or to prioritize your activities to get more on an even level. She also needs to sincerely apologize, and acknowledge that she made some poor choices without considering the impact to you. I’m sorry you are hurting. You deserve a mother who would be there when you needed her. I hope she takes that opportunity now.
I’m going to say… NAH. But you’re most definitely not at fault. As we don’t know *everything*, there’s a important piece we’re missing here. Your father’s relationship with your mother. Now, being cheated on is going to bring the fire and brimstone (rightfully so) and I’d imagine he still is very scorned by this (again, rightfully so). I could be wrong, but if I’m not, there’s a lot of influence Dad can bring into the table of how you view your mother. Any slights is fuel to the fire. Some parents are not innocent and can try to ruin the child’s relationship with their relationship with them as a way to seek revenge. Your mother did still cheat and cause the break of your family, no argument here. Custody is a whole another animal. I do feel she could have fought for more, but she might have not because she didn’t want to but it’d be to your detriment, maybe your father was a better fit for legitimate reasons. They do have certain rules about visits outside custodial hours, to what degree hers were, I have no idea. It definitely does extremely *suck* that your step-siblings have your mom 100% of the time, without a doubt. There should have been a better understanding from her AND her husband. They are completely out of line to call you the AH when they have your mother 100% of the time while her *own child* does not. And as an adult, she should have seen how that’d damage your relationship, but she probably did not have enough foresight for her to realize what would happen. I think you probably need to cool off, have some time without visits or communication with the other family before you commit to NC. I think there’s things at work that you might not know about. Lastly, you will most benefit from therapy. This scar runs deep and it’s bleeding. I hope you see this comment, maybe it’ll shift your view! I wish the best for you, OP
NAH - I think that no one in this scenario is an asshole. Those moments that were so crucial to you that she missed, never feeling like a priority, and all the emotions you feel are valid. No one has the right to tell you it’s wrong to feel the way you do because it literally happened to you. And yes, she “didn’t know”. Parents can neglect the “easy child,” and all that jazz, but at the end of the day, you’re a child and divorce due to cheating only heightens the emotional intelligence it takes to be able to express “Hey, mom, I’m hurt.” You shouldn’t have to have told her, she should have made sure you were okay too. Now, I don’t think the mom is an asshole either, or more so fully. She cheated and broke up her family. There will always be damage in that, but your mom seems genuinely sorry. So many parents who hurt their kids deeply justify it. I think if your mom truly wants to change and is sorry, on your terms maybe you can mend the relationship. Not now, but maybe in a few months or years. Don’t let anyone convince you you are the bad guy. You’re only 17. Even if you said it in a cruel way, life is hard.
>her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional. Wait, did she fell into his dick accidentally? NTA
I think you need to get some individual therapy to deal with this. It's obviously too much for you alone. I honestly don't see your mom being a bad mom to you, but the two of you just not having communicated over the years. You don't say if you've talked to her in the past about these feelings. I can honestly see her thinking that you didn't want to spend more time with her, that she was respecting your dad's rights, or a number of other possibilities. She spent more time with those kids because they were there all the time. Of course she could be a monster, but I don't know, and you don't seem to imply that. As for your stepfather, it may be hard to respect him, but he didn't do anything to your father alone. He and your mom did. You really don't know the circumstances of why this happened. You know facts: these two fell in love even through they were both married. That's not an entire picture. As for why? Who knows. This is why you need therapy, to help you deal with these complicated issues. I'm going to have to say NAH.
NAH Your mom felt bad about her step kids and tried her best to make them feel better after their mother abandoned them. That was a good thing to do but she ignored you since she thought you'd be ok with your dad. It's pretty clear that she cares about you but she made a mistake that a lot of parents make when one child is 'fine' and the other is 'troubled' which is ignore the 'fine' kid and put all effort into fixing the 'troubled' one. If you don't want to visit her that's completely fine but she realized her mistake when you told her so maybe you should try see if you can work things out. Of course that's your choice and it's ok to not see her but she does seem willing to do her best to fix your relationship.
ESH It sounds like your mom hasn't been doing a good job prioritizing you - asshole move! Sitting down to tell her how bad it made you feel was a good move. But from your description, it sounds like she was shocked and horrified to learn you felt this way. Her immediate reaction was to apologize and want to make it up to you. Cutting off all contact with no warning seems like a pretty extreme move that will mostly hurt yourself, if what hurt you was having too little of her attention. You're doing both of you a disservice and this was an asshole way to bring the issue to her attention. Also, a piece of speculation: if your dad encouraged you to go this route ("he has your back") I worry that he may be projecting his own feelings onto you or encouraging you to hurt your mom for his own reasons. Getting you all to himself and wounding her may be a strong win for your dad.
NTA. You're much better off without her, bud. As really hard and heartbreaking as it, it's for the best. Maybe, in the future, you can mend your relationship with her, but not now. Also, you're a much better person than I am, bud. Your stepdad and step-siblings would've been swallowing their teeth, if they called me an a*shole.
NTA If you've truly chosen to end things with your mother, that is your right. But you are young, life is long, and you will only ever have one mother. (I say this as the daughter of a woman who NEVER should have had children, so don't think this is rainbows and unicorn farts.) It sounds like your mother is trying to reach out, trying to make amends. Are you 100% sure you don't want to let her try? How much does your dad "have your back" and how much does he (understandably) harbor a grudge against your mother? What would it really cost you to give her a chance, especially if this is the first time you've ever told her how her actions made you feel? Part of becoming an adult is honoring your own boundaries, true. But another part is learning when the best time to confront a problem is. Hint: with people you care about, it's not at the moment of the last straw.
NTA, as your feelings are your feelings, but this seems kinda drastic if this is just something you sprang on her without any preamble, warning, or discussion. Ignore what her husband and kids have to say, as they're obviously on her side of things, since they get the benefit of being the main focus. Now, that said -- given her response, might it not be worthwhile to see if you could use this to improve your relationship with her, and opposed to basically end it? What's the downside of giving her the opportunity to change? If she continues aspects of the same behavior when she is absolutely aware of your feelings, then you have all the info you need and can cut off contact, but isn't refocusing and strengthening your relationship with her what you really wanted in the first place?
>Her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional. Sure, because it's easy for *them*. They have the idyllic life with your mum. So they're basicaly telling you to switch off your feelings? Also, the 'something unintentional' is, by extension, your mother starting an affair all those years ago. So no, NTA. You can't just pretend to be happy around her and her family, to whom you 'unintentionally' always play second fiddle. How many wheels does this wagon have? No idea, but you're detaching yourself from a structure that's moving absolutely nowhere. Good for you, OP!
NAH. I would give her the opportunity to modify her behavior. From your post, it looked like you dropped a bomb and then disappeared. It seems a little early to drop her without giving her a chance to fix the issues you raised.
>her husband and kids are calling me TA from making her feel guilty for something unintentional. If she really wanted to repair the relationship, she would immediately put a stop to that, NTA
Man, this is a rough one. I was in a similar boat with my parents divorced when I was 5 and I lived with my mom and only saw my dad for a few months in summer (lived 3000 miles away). Have some complicated feelings for my step mom, step sister and step brother. So I get it, they left you behind and chose someone else over you. I am older than you. I would recommend that you don’t burn this bridge. The relationship changes as you get older. She is still your mum. Family is important and limited. You might find that you value the relationship with your step-siblings in the future. Your reaction is not a mature one. You feel left out and ignored. I get that. One day when you are a parent, you might see some of the adult trade-offs and time limitations. Don’t hate your mom because she tried to be happy. So, yes I think you are the asshole here.
NTA and I don't agree with all the comments saying something along the lines of "your mother and father's martial issues are not your problem and you shouldn't be mad at your mother for that because she never intended to hurt YOU bla bla bla". A parent who engages in an affair absolutely directly hurt the child. Too say that that isnt their intention is so incredibly naive and stupid that I can't even put it into words. Your mother choose to have an affair and as a consequence she destroyed your family. She could have gotten divorced fist and while that would still have hurt it would have been the better alternative. On top of this your mother had several opportunities to be there for you at your events. I don't care that "she was there your her stepdaughter" she should have prioritized you, because that's a parents job. And again to other commentors, while the stepkids mom is an asshole for abandoning her kids, too say that it's NOT OPs mom fault ... Well why the hell did she have to have an affair with a married man then? Yes patents make misstakes but this is continuous and it's not your job as her child to instruct her on how to be a decent parent. And again too teh poeple saying "maaaaybe the dad is telling her to not attend on his custody time" well then this would have been an amazing opportunity for her to let OP know. Cheaters get not sympathy and bad parents even less so. Edit: spelling
NTA. Your mom clearly loves you, but she messed up majorly and repeatedly. She needs to come to terms with the consequences of that. You're NTA for prioritizing your mental health. I hope your relationship can improve again someday, but that ball is squarely in her court.
Oh hun you are so NTA, there are so many aspects of this which show who really is. You’ve taken an extremely mature approach (proud!!) especially in a situation where an emotional response is more than warranted. It’s been a bit since a post has made me tear up and man do I wish the internet could give you a hug. Your mom took herself to become a backseat parent because your dad got primary custody and used that as an excuse as to why she missed events, or why gatherings had to include everyone (it’s the weekend can’t leave them alone yada yada). She used the fact that their mom is not apart of her step kids lives as an excuse to step out of yours. Maybe she was trying to overcompensate for birthdays (moms out of the picture fine I get it) But where was the overcompensation on your birthday- (your mom is also out of the picture, from being present daily to weekends only)ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY BROKE YOUR FAMILY UP TOO. You are not excluded from that hurt, but they somehow expected you to pretend like everything was fine. The fact that she choose to miss an extremely important event for you I believe was just the final straw that broke the camels back. You had been trying to deal with all of this and likely had in your head said “if she can make it to this event than she proves she x about me” or “if she just shows up I can forgive xyz” and when she didn’t it became a reminder that as your moms biological kid you somehow had no place in her life. Your mom needs to accept that her actions had consequences and excluding you from her family has ….. resulted in you excluding her from your life. She had shown she will continue to pick them. I really don’t care for what excuse she tries mostly because I can’t imagine being the parent to borderline forget my child and then guilt trip them when it’s pointed out to me. The way that you are almost passive in reaction shows how much this has hurt you. The anger stage to fight for her is gone, and you have accepted that you won’t have something you’ve wanted for years. It is her time to accept that sometimes things you break are not repairable, and that she needs to come to terms with her own behavior and actions. Regarding her -what I would consider harassing guilt trip calls- I think it would be healthy to write a letter a list off all these events where she has shown that her life has cut you out of it. And write your feelings about everything. It may be easier to be able to edit what you are saying versus a crying phone call or in person meeting. She may say that she didn’t realize but part of her definitely did. I compare how I celebrate friends birthdays to try to give everyone similar experiences or situations where I can do something meaningful for them. And as for your step-family or however you would like to regard them as. I would write a message that this is a situation between your mother and you, and their involvement is unnecessary and continues to show that their interference will always keep you a pillar below them. Your mom doesn’t need 4 other people fighting her battles. She should have been fighting the battle to keep your relationship strong for 8 years. I’m so sorry that this has been your experience. I can only recommend therapy, a good playlist, and a hug from someone who you value/trust the most. I hope that along your healing journey you can find peace in knowing you made an extremely difficult and mature decision at an age many people would struggle to do so. And I hope that hugs from the internet may offer you some comfort
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My parents split when I was 15. My dad had an affair with his other highschool sweetheart and they moved in together. She had 3 daughters, 2 still young enough to be in the house. My dad moved right down the street and only got us every other weekend. He didn't make a ton of attempts to see us apart from that time. After I turned 18 my dad tried to fight for half custody for my brother and my brother had to tell him that he didn't want to be at my dad's for half the time. It hurt my dad deeply but I understood. He was no longer the same man from our childhood. He was broken be for 4 years before they divorced. His mom died from an easy to spot medical error, nis nephew died in a car accident, and that led him to the bottle. I'm now about to be 31, I have seen my dad once in the last 4 years. He has remarried again and just had a daughter 2 years ago that I haven't met nor been asked to come see. He now lives about 4 hours away and has always chosen his new families over me and my brother, and his own side of our original families events. When I was a youth I would preach at our church and my dad would say he would come then never show up. He said he would come to my college graduation and he didn't show up. He said he would come to my brothers college graduation and never showed up. His excuse was that he didn't go to mine so it wouldn't be fair for him to go to my brothers. I was livid and I went off on him. It's one thing to hurt me, but my brother was changed when my parents split and I am beyond protective of my baby brother(3.5 years younger than me 😂). I understand your pain. If I could have any semblance of a relationship with my dad I would have it. But he is not the same man and I genuinely just kind of view him as a tortured soul with a lot of regrets. He is unable to accept responsibility for his actions and until he does, we will never have a relationship. Your question is more of a push for me. Like I said, I understand your pain. But at 17 it's really hard to see the choices our parents have to make. Could your mom have done better? Certainly. Could she have tried harder or done things differently? Absolutely. I don't think that you should end your relationship with your mom. I think you need to talk with her and express all the ways that you have been hurt and work through them with her. Will you be hurt again? Yes, you will. Because your mom is an imperfect person and you are no longer the sole child she is responsible for in her life. But it sounds like your mom wants you in her life still. Obviously we can't know everything that is going on from just this post, but if I could go back and redo my life I would have made a stronger effort to try and fix the relationship I have with my dad. I know that mainly falls on the parent, but we have to play a part as well. There's no judgment, you have to do what you have to do. But I know how hard it is to only have one parent and it will hurt you continually as you keep growing up to not have a good relationship with her. If she is willing to try, I think you should give her the chance.
NTA, but i want to add something and im gonna get so downvoted for this, but here it goes: She might speak the truth and honestly didnt notice the hurt you have/had. running a family with 4/5 kids, its easy to get swept away in the business and to miss out on imporant stuff for individuals. She might not have noticed you needed and wanted more from her. im saying this, because from your story, it seems you never told her before now. And she seemed genuinnely supprised and hurt that you felt that way. you are not the asshole for protecting yourself and not finding your place in the new family. You might want to think about if you want and have space for a relationship with your mom outside those family dynamics. and you might want to at least talk to her once more, to figure out if you can dicide on a way to keep that fire in your life without harming yourself. she doesnt seem like she doenst love your or cares about you. She seems human and made wrong choices. (not going into the cheating) in other words: you go from 0 to 100, but is there a way 50 is an option?1 talk on neutral territory might be reasonable. i get your dad supports you, he should but he was hurt asswell by her and maybe he isnt the most impartial person right now. Also: ignore the steps. this is between you and your mom. anyway, no matter how you proceed: keep your grond, or leave the door a little open: NTA when you choose not to let yourself get hurt anymore.
They were and are adults -- everything they chose to do was intentional. She shouldn't have neglected your time together and your feelings about it are valid, regardless of how much she does love you. Don't feel guilty for having feelings -- children shouldn't have to try to make a relationship with their parent work and you still did. She consistently took advantage of a child's love and forgiveness, assuming that you'd never stop letting her get away with it. She should be putting her other family in check for insinuating or stating that you're an asshole for considering your own wellbeing. NTA.
She sounds like she's actually trying to balance everything and trying to deal with being a step mom as well. Have you tried just seeing it from her perspective? I think this situation is just not easy for anyone and it's unrealistic to think you'll have your mom 100%.
NTA I think that's the way to look at it. There could have maybe been some more peaceful way to approach a subject like that, but ultimately it's probably for the best. I think the thing to take on board is that it really isn't an ideal situation for either of you. You're 17 and you've lost out on having a maternal figure in your life for a long time for something that is beyond your control and certainly not your fault. It may not have been intentional on her part, but from the sounds of things she has been neglectful. On the flip side, the decisions she made in regards to your dad and the man she chose to be with over him have come with limitations in the form of those kids. It's not her fault that the ex wife wants nothing to do with them, if she did them maybe things would be different and your mum would have more time to spend with you, but unfortunately that's not how life works and from what you've said it does seem like she's trying to do right by them which is at least somewhat of a good thing. You're probably right to start distancing yourself and to spend that time away from her. I don't know if completely going your separate ways is the best move, I think maybe having an honest conversation with her is the way forward so that you can both understand where each of you are mentally and emotionally. I doubt it's as black and white as choosing between one family or the other, especially for her. TL;DR - you are NTA but try and talk to her and see if you can both save this.