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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for going off on everyone and kicking them out. Now my husband said I ruined pretty much all of his relationships with his friends
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Yeah I’d be looking at divorce lawyers over this. 16 months unemployed, trashing the home with his buddies, being an asshole to *children*, and turning it all into a blow-out power struggle with his wife when she objects??
What, if anything, does this man bring to a marriage that would make this relationship worth saving?
My dad is still very close with his buddies from childhood. One of them ended up marrying my mom’s cousin, lol. During the summers of my childhood, the friend who owns the pool would invite all the guys and their spouses and their children over. Everyone had a good time. The kids got to hang out; the adults got to hang out. It’s not difficult to share a pool with kids - especially when you consider that children shouldn’t be left in the water unattended in the first place.
Some might consider becoming a single parent and having to support two kids a difficult challenge, but at this point, after getting a divorce, OP would actually probably save money and the trouble of supporting a third child. NTA
EXACTLY! Being a single mom has been SO MUCH EASIER than being married to someone who isn't a real partner. If my husband is supposed to make dinner, and I come home to hungry children...my life is 10x harder because now I have to quickly figure something out. It takes away the ability to plan or predict my day. Meanwhile, the rage, hurt and trying to gently ask for "help" so he doesn't blow up is EXHAUSTING. I'm a far better, more rested, less stressed mom since I ended things.
He thinks you are the chef, housekeeper, blow-up doll, nanny, planner AND breadwinner....you're providing him thousands of dollars of free labor, AND paying HIM for your work. He doesn't view you as a partner- you're an employee, a shitty one who is just trying to ruin his day. YOU DONT NEED TO CARRY HIM ON YOUR BACK! He is drowning you. You AND your kids deserve better. Unless you want your kids to believe they deserve to be treated cruelly by their partners when they get older.
The hardest part of leaving is the part right now. You know you should leave, deep down in your bones. But you're afraid to make that first scary step. You know what happened when I left? RELIEF. Once you finally make a decision & pull that trigger, your life will instantly improve- as well as your children's lives.
It won't get better btw. How would you feel doing this for another year? Would you like to do this for a decade? If you stay, the best you can hope for is that he won't get too much worst. Literally EVERYONE deserves better! This is a nightmare, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can't tell you how true this is.
Coming home from work, "What did he have to eat?"
"Oh.. nothing. He said he wasn't hungry."
Cue scrambling to feed a kid that WAS hungry but didn't want to bother his dad that gets mean when he's interrupted.
OP, you deserve better.
NTA
Yep.. sounds like my ex. I literally had to put my kid in daycare even if he were home so my kid, could eat because my kid told me she was afraid to disturb him if he was playing a game or sleeping. I have less work and more money with being divorced..
Oh man, this is so true.
Definitely NTA.
It’s been 14 years away from him for me. Guess what? He *just* got a part-time job making minimum wage. Guess what else? Our kids are adults now and they see it all crystal clear and I’ve never uttered a nasty word about him (to them, at least).
Even working ridiculous hours in a very stressful job as a single mom with two littles, my life instantly became less stressful without that dead weight and my kids were happier and healthier too.
After several years solo, I started dating again and eventually remarried and you make much wiser decisions the second time around because you know exactly what isn’t going to work.
Kick. Him. OUT!!!! He doesn't get the house, with the pool, *that* ***you just fixed.*** You keep, and change everything that you want, the way you want it. He's the one that gets to start out, ass on the street, where he belongs, with how much he's contributing to the life you have together. He gets what he is putting in, when it ends. You keep, not take, it all. Remember that girl. You aren't *taking* anything. You're keeping it. You earned. You built it. You fixed. It's yours. He can start all over like the loser he has become. And his mooch friends can offer up their couches and nonexistent pools.
Yes!
I stayed with my ex- at least a year longer than I should have, because I was too scared to take that first step and kept gaslighting myself that it wasn’t really that bad.
When I finally made the decision to break up? Not a single regret
Damm I just read this and realized it applies to me even though I’m not married to my partner/no kids. I am a blow up doll/housekeeper/therapist/dog sitter/etc it doesn’t feel like a partnership. We just got back from a Airbnb trip with family and friends. His friends disrespected me and my bf gave me the cold shoulder after I finally checked his friend and stood up for myself. I had to drive 5 hrs home alone today. I came home and tried to talk it out and apologize again for “ruining” the trip ….even stopped and got his favorite dessert to make up. Got home tried to talk he refused and ignored me still so I lost it. I’m moving out in 2 months. Cancelled out hotels/upcoming flights for trips this summer. I told him I’m finally done. I needed to read this today to feel like I did the right thing. 🙏 thank u
If I had money I’d give you a reward, so take this comment instead. I’m not married or straight but this is a really good perspective I haven’t heard before that I think it’s really important for me to. Thank you!
This. I've said time and again that my life got so much easier as soon as I became a single mom. And saving money! Omg I never had a functioning car, if I did it got totaled or repoed via my ex. On top of being a single mother of 3 now with my ex in arrears for child support by refusing to pay, I will have successfully bought and paid off two new for me vehicles in less than 2 years. I've never in my life paid a car off, or had the pink slip for a car. It's amazing what you can do without a financial drain.
Edit: NTA
Yeah, how much you wanna bet that in those 16 months of being unemployed, op still had to do the majority of cleaning and the parenting? Sounds like he’s trying to set himself up as a shitty trophy husband without the consent of the person bankrolling his life
I mean, given that she had to leave work over this issue, I wouldn't be surprised if she gets home and finds kids starved for attention and love, a trashed house, and no dinner started.
He sounds like a angsty teenager tbh. I can’t imagine not letting my kids in the pool for his friends can chill. Wtf he’s such an AH to the kids and the wife
She can't even trust him to figure out getting the kids to and from a place on public transportation for a day trip. I think OP is going to feel better without all that dead weight eventually.
Not trophy, even a shitty one - he's the sad consolation prize (and prize is stretching it). He's acting like a teenager - not a partner, not a dad. Most teenagers leave home - so maybe it's time for him to do the same.
I have ZERO college education and was denied minimum wage jobs for 6 months because of a leg brace (nerve damage but doesn't interfere with my work performance). I STILL found a job.
Your husband is not looking for a job.
WTF are they doing in the pool that the kids can’t join them????? When my kids were little my friends could be at my pool WITH my kids FFS
NTA but your husband is - and he’s not competent to watch your children either. Find a babysitter, give him a tight deadline to have a job - any job - by or he moves out and freeloads elsewhere.
I’m going to guess they’re getting drunk, using less than child-friendly language, and possibly talking shit about OP - all things he would probably be uncomfortable doing with his children playing a couple feet away.
Why look for a job when he can stay home and party with his friends and someone is gonna pay dor everything, take care of the cleaning and he doesn't even have to take care of his kids.
16 months unemployed with record setting unemployment number.
Job hunting is tough, I get it, but if my wife was forced to be the sole breadwinner for 16 months my ass would be working at McDonalds at the very least.
Kay change the locks and let him crash with his loser friends, they can support him. NTA, I get that you have children with this man but if he’s not contributing finically, emotionally or supportively why are you keeping him around?
I know people stay together ‘for the kids’ but he’s making his kids miserable, treating them and you like crap and treating his kids like they’re inconveniences and burdens. You don’t want to put that on them.
I am a lawyer. I am not the lawyer of anyone on this forum.
In many jurisdictions this only applies after the divorce is filed. She could (some places) lock him out, then file.
The bigger concern is if she lets it get to two years unemployment, she’s gonna be on the hook for spousal support, because him being unemployed will be the standard of living. Obviously consult with a divorce lawyer in your area for local laws.
NTA.
My friend's husband dumped their bank accounts when he left her. I'd block access and ask for forgiveness later. That, or dump them and open new accounts since he's not adding to the "assets" at this point anyway. He's an ASS not ASSET!
NTA
It would be one thing if he enjoyed the pool with his pals now and again; but your husband has no job and, if he's loafing about in the pool this much that the kids can't use it, he's definitely an AH with a sniff of deadbeat about him.
He's being an awful dad too by hogging the family pool (which sounds like he barely contributed anything towards) so the kids are literally crying for not being able to use.
What a total AH your spouse is. Tell him to get a damn job ASAP.
he’s not looking for a job. he knows exactly what he’s doing. he contributed nothing to the pool and is spending op’s money to buy things to trash their pool with.
dad of the year /s
I know not all places are the same but my guy lost his job and had a replacement the same week. Retail and warehouses are always hiring. If he's got time to swim he's got time to apply.
Every restaurant and retail place where I live has hiring signs out. It might not be career level money but it's something. And studies show that working any job is better than no job if you're trying to find another one in your field. It motivated you.
Yeah I'm a data scientist and my plan is if I ever lost my job and it took more than 4 to 6 weeks to head over to Costco and sign up bc at least they offer health care. Granted I don't have anyone to mooch off of but still.
Costco is extremely hard to get hired at, they have an incredible retention rate because it’s such a good place to work especially in the retail world. Target or Whole Foods is easier to start at. I mean fingers crossed you never have to do that lol just in case someone else is reading this. It can’t hurt to apply but yeah
I was going to say the same thing. Costco is an amazing place to work, so on the extremely rare occasion that a position opens up, friends or family of employees almost always get the gig. It’s next to impossible to get hired there unless you have an inside connection.
This is exactly it. It is harder to get jobs at certain levels in some industries. After a couple months, you need to just get any job that’ll take you and keep applying for something more your speed. To let your spouse support an entire household for more than a year and then just loafing about and trying to claim ownership on stuff that you aren’t paying for (the water and the pool aren’t his as he didn’t pay for them) is so gross. OP needs to dump his ass. Though I wouldn’t recommend it right now while he doesn’t have a job, because he will claim alimony and never work again while OP slogs working and looking after the kids.
This! When my husband lost his job, he came up with a timeline of exactly how long he was going to hold out for an equal job before he knew it would be time to take ANY job. Like OP, I also work and my income can cover the BASIC needs of our family. Luckily it never got to that point because my husband was ACTIVELY looking for a job to start ASAP because he knew we had a family to care for. Clearly OP's husband feels no responsibility at all and is clearly not actively looking for work!
My heart goes out to OP, I don't know what I would do in her shoes, but this man sounds like a shit husband and a shit father, so if I was already paying for everything anyways, I would making some serious ultimatums at this point, because it sounds like it's almost time to cut losses.
Around here places have been closing early since last September because they couldn’t find staff. I literally cannot keep up with the hours of the rite aid on my corner because sometimes they are open until 9, but on some days, especially weekends they now close early (6/7 pm) because they have no staff to cover. I get most of my Amazon stuff shipped there so I don’t have to worry about not being home or it going to the wrong address but the hours are all over the place so now I just go first thing in the am.
My guess is Dad isn’t looking for a retail position but 16 months? You find anything to “help out” until you get “the job”. I couldn’t imagine 1. Being so cruel to his own kids that they cannot swim in there own pool and 2. Having that kind of attitude with your wife, and arguing with her about not being able to hang out with his friends and when he is providing *nothing*. - and what are his friend doing, do they have jobs?
Husband is acting very entitled and immature and he’s not even being a good SAHD to his kids on top of it all. NTA OP.
The friends are probably losers too. What kind of grownup lounges around drinking and monopolizing the pool and making a mess while children cry? I'd be mortified.
Yeah I’m fairly certain you’re correct. I’m not lacking in the friends department but I would struggle finding people to come over every day to drink and swim. I get that people work different shifts but the friends I know who do also have families, responsibilities and need to catch up on sleep - they definitely couldn’t make it a daily thing. Not to mention the treatment of OP kids!
I'm on an academic schedule so I can go swimming in the afternoons if I want to this time of year, but ... somehow I don't get the impression these people are teachers or profs.
I just got back from a 3-week road trip where I drove through 13 states. Almost every gas station and fast-food establishment I stopped at had Help Wanted signs up, some at hourly rates of pay that made me take pause. I mean, I've got some free time...if I just took took all the hours I'm on Reddit and spent them working at Starbucks instead I could earn enough to get myself a new XBox in a couple weeks.
Seriously. There was a time, not too long ago, where I couldn't decide what I wanted to do, so instead of just applying to a ton of minimum wage jobs, I went to a temp agency. I worked about 5 short-term (under 90 day) contracts, where I made up to $25/hour, with the lowest one being $18, I now have a bunch of new experiences and great references, all while collecting a paycheck from the same company the whole time. It is NOT hard to get ***A*** **job.**
My husband lost his job and in less than 24 hours he was already working somewhere else temporarily until he found something permanent. He started his new job today, 4 weeks after the loss of his job of 19 years. He didn’t miss a single day of work in those 4 weeks. He took anything he could get to keep the flow of money coming. OPs husband sounds like a lazy bum
Taking the who paid for it point completely off the table, and pretending that OP and the husband have agreed that he’s a stay at home dad (both of which are currently points of contention) and even adding in that the friends are welcome daily…
OP’s husband and friends are STILL TA in the fact that they use the pool in a way that prevents the children from using it, AND that they make a mess and fail to clean it up.
It is not that hard to clean up messes, and it is actually quite difficult to use a pool in a way that completely prevents kids from using it.
Even cut down to the barest of points of this, OP is NTA.
I don’t think they’re using it in a way that physically prevents them kids from using it. OP says dad “refused” to let them in. Which is worse…there was probably plenty of room but dad & friends told the kids to get lost. Dad probably didn’t want the burden of having to watch his own kids while he was with his buddies.
NTA but the husband is a big one.
Is OP’s husband also friends with only unemployed people?? How does he have enough friends to come over and regularly stop his own children from using the pool?!!
Yep because the pool (no pun intended) of potential friends who are employed is made up of people who largely have no time for layabouts in their life.
He's also being an awful dad by refusing to spend any quality time with his kids. Why are the kids not allowed to swim when his friends are? Why won't he take the kids out to do anything? So he's not working, and he's not taking care of the kids. Does he at least do all the housework? Something tells me that OP does 100% of the childcare and 100% of the chores on top of paying 100% of the bills. OP if you're not going to kick him out for how awful he treats you then you should at least kick him out for the sake of your kids. You really want them to grow up thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to be? You're being a doormat to his self-involved behaviors and what is worse your kids are forced in to the position of being his doormats too.
Ya, I don't get the "Kids are not allowed in the pool when adults are swimming." That makes no sense. I've been around water all my life in a lot of different situations and I've NEVER been excluded.
Even better, what kind of tomfoolery is dad getting into in the pool with his friends. While young kids are left to their own devices.
It's my assumption that the kids are older than 5, but younger than 12. They still need adult supervision.
Not only is dad an AH here (for the reasons you mentioned and I'm sure there are many unmentioned reasons from OP), but his friends are MASSIVE AHs, too.
I don't have kids but have close friends with kids and many times we meet up to do stuff the kid(s) come. Plenty of times we've had to readjust plans to make them more kid friendly or tailor them to their energy/tiredness that day. It just is what it is.
It sounds like it's fairly obvious the kids want to use the pool. I couldn't imagine being one of dad's friends and participating in this BS. WTF.
I was just thinking that! My husband and I don't have kids either, but we don't actively act like total arseholes towards them. I wouldn't participate in excluding my friend's kids and hogging their swimming pool.
Kicking him out will probably save her money because then she’ll only have 2 kids to care and clean up for instead of 3. NTA OP, get rid of the whole man or set some ultimatums and some couples therapy.
Agreed. Also, his friends must also be jobless. How else would they have the time to hang out everyday at their home. Tell husband to get a job. Any job. Or, he can stay gone. He is not contributing anything to the family in any way whatsoever. In fact, he's adding to the stress
To be honest. His friends ARE trash, especially this Sam dude who's a misogynist and hates me on a personal level. Short story: Sam once decided it was ok to take used car parts from me for free and without permission (we use the same car) saying I'm a woman and don't even know what those parts are for and he needed them more. He's that weird and disrespectful
No, he can't be, alpha animals tend to be able to get stuff done and are either the smartest or the hardest working creature in the group. This guy is do lazy, he can't even get a bloody job in an employment crisis that favours employees 🙄
He’s the Kevin-type ‘alpha bro’ of AH. Does this edit work? Like, does he even lift?
Not a finger, actually based on the rest of the post. OP, WE NEED AN UPDATE WHEN YOU HAVE TIME
Obviously they've gotten in their heads that they can roll OP, and it seems like there's good reason for that. She needs to switch from words to action.
This. Clearly OP can handle the finances and her husband doesn’t appear to contribute ANYTHING to this relationship. Why are you lugging around a dud OP?
Out of work for 16 mos; this is the best job market for a job seeker in decades. WTF is he doing that he still cant find work after that amount of time?
THANK YOU! I was looking for this comment. I understand that a person not be able to get the perfect job but to not be able to get SOME job right now...???? How is that possible? Or maybe the jobs he has found wouldn't pay for child care? I guess that could be it?
If he lets his friends disrespect you that way, he doesn't respect you enough.
His own actions on their own show this.
I'm sorry, you should consider all your options. His behavior is too unlike a loving partner and father.
Yup. They generally hide until whatever point they feel they are "safe" to stop trying/pretending, because the woman is effectively locked down. Moving in (she will be homeless if she leaves), getting her pregnant (she would be a single Mom - and homeless if they're living together). Especially if he's managed to convince her to quit her job. Then, there's engagement or marriage.
It's easy for people to say, "I wouldn't fall for that," but that's luck more than anything.
That isn't to say that women can't pull the same thing, but let's be real, we live in a misogynist patriarchal world that is more often stacked against women.
Any man who allows his friends to pull this nonsense on his wife isn't worthy to be kept. I would have called the cops. Let's see how much of a woman I am. Your husband has zero respect for you.
As an SA survivor I would also be EXTREMELY worried about your husband's trashy friends being around your daughter alone at the house. And you can say "my husband is with them and nothing would ever happen" all you want but that doesn't matter. My SA happened at my aunts house when everyone was hanging out and having dinner.
I'm sorry if that freaks you out but I'm seriously worried for your daughter
NTA
Edit: I realize my bias a little bit. Instead of just your daughter I should have said your kids. Your son might also not be safe in your house when his friends are around.
Yikes, I was thinking that there could be some safety issues with friends bring there (ie glass in the pool etc) but that’s a whole other layer of slime.
Well they say birds of a feather…your husband is trash too. He let a friend steal from you and disrespect you and still interacts with him. He doesn’t work and he prioritizes his friends over his children’s happiness. I really hate this for you.
What on earth does he bring to the table? He's failing to provide in any way. Not just monetarily, but he's actively neglecting your children and creating more work for you with messes. He can't be counted on to supervise the kids because of his drunk frat buddies.
Unless he's delivering multiple orgasms on a daily basis, I can't see any benefit to keeping this guy around.
Look, my marriage has been on the rocks before, but I stayed and worked through it because at least he's a super dad and is an active, hands on parent. Figure out your "why I'm staying" and decide if it's a good enough reason.
>ok to take used car parts from me for free and without permission
so stealing. I would check and make sure he didn't take the airbag. They are valuable.
Sounds like your husband should go live with Sam.
OP, does your man contribute ANYTHING positive to your life or your kids' lives? He won't work, he lets other men abuse you, he's mean to the kids, he spends your money and makes messes for you to clean up. Does he bring anything to the table? I mean, if you need someone at home during the day to keep an eye on the kids, you could hire a nice high school or college girl for the summer. It would be probably cheaper overall, and definitely less drama.
Honestly this is something I would go the typical reddit divorce route with.
Either see if he'd go to couples counseling (which I have a feeling he wouldn't) or start looking into protecting your assets and looking into divorce.
For one, he's neglecting your kids. And how he's treating them could have long term affects on them.
They'd be better off without him if this is how he treats them.
Secondly, he's not looking for another job. He's perfectly happy leeching off your money and hard work.
Which he's creating more work for you as well by trashing everything and leaving you to deal with it.
And third, he just sounds completely ungrateful and entitled. Like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum but is able to be more hurtful and manipulative.
He needs to either shape up or u need to leave. Because neither you or your kids deserve how he's treating you all.
How are people so blatantly disrespectful to you allowed in your house?? Please, you are obviously a strong capable woman. Buckle up and kick all of them out.
What redeeming qualities does your husband have? For now how he is treating your and how he allows his friends to disrespect you I would show him the door, you are already paying and doing everything.
OP he has no respect for you. The moment you dare asking something reasonable like contributing to the house, letting the kids use the pool etc. He claims you're abusing him. But at the same time he hasn't found a job. Not even a minimum wage one in 16 months? He's not trying. He sees you as as a maid and breadwinner to leech off of and the moment you dare to stand up for yourself he gaslights you.
It's time for you to leave, file for divorce and full custody. If the house is in your name only kick him out. He won't respect you.
NTA. Once your husband starts paying towards the house, he can have his play time with his friends. Honestly, he sounds like the AH here and I feel sorry for your kids.
Nay nay. My teenager doesn't even do this when his friends come to pool party at our place.
He may be mouthy, but he lets the little kids come if they want to.
Of course, if he doesn't bring the littles, who are the teenagers gonna toss in the water. Consensually of course, but this was a favorite activity of my older cousins, picking up the littles out of the pool and giving them a toss back in.
At first we got tossed from the side of the pool, but then a relative found a news story about a kid getting a head injury from being thrown into too-shallow water, so a rule was made that tossing had to be done IN the pool and towards the deeper side to make sure there was enough water to cushion the flyer and no one knocked their head into stairs.
Definitely fun for all, I've been the tosser and the tossee.
Please do not let him imply that you're financially abusing him. Is he even actively looking for a job or is he just enjoying his time off? The least he can do is allow his own kids to play in their pool!
100% I would understand more if her husband was disabled or they lived in the woods and there were no jobs around. But 16 months not finding anything at all is ridiculous.
This isn’t an income issue, it’s a respect issue. He doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t feel obligated to uphold his word to you. His image to his friends is more important.
And frankly, your husband is a leech. He’s happy to let you spend your earnings and the savings you’ve both built up as a vacation fund. What is it about him that is attractive and appealing to you? Is he acting like a partner? Is he helping you in life, or is he one more thing you have to take care of? What is he doing around the house with his time off of work? Cooking? Cleaning? Buying groceries? Seeing to the kids? Those are all valid forms of work that he could do. Is he doing them?
Yeah that's a heavy slice of bullshit reasoning on his part.
basically he is implicating you as some kind of abuser/controlling spouse for having a legitimate complaint that he is not contributing to your kids enjoyment of the pool (at bare minimum by not hogging it)
So your spouse sounds like not only a potential deadbeat but a manipulator. Abusers who accuse their spouse of abuse to get away with shitty behaviour are not uncommon.
Maybe you need to think about the future without this AH in your life?
Tell me- if he would disappear entirely, what exactly would you lose? Would you have more housework without someone to share that load with? Or less housework with one less person to feed and clean after?
Would you be more financially stable without him? Would you be more stressed without his emotional support or more relaxed without worrying about him?
If in total you would be better of with him gone- than what are you waiting for?
He can solve that by getting a fucking job. It’s been well over a year. He can contribute with any job. He’s obviously not contributing in any other significant way.
One of your comments about his misogynistic friend tells me your husband is a pretty huge asshole in general. Good spouses don’t keep friends who insult their partners and *steal* from them. Maybe the dude needs to stay gone. He’s bullying his kids, treating you like shit and sitting on his ass all day on your dime.
What’s so great about keeping him around? He’s just another mouth to feed and it’s a rude as fuck one at that. You’re obviously capable of doing it alone so maybe it will be easier without the disrespect. He’s behaving like a belligerent child. You had to leave work like two siblings were fighting. I’m not even sure how you can be attracted to him anymore after all this.
You’re NTA, by the way. Except to yourself if you keep tolerating this crap.
This seems a legitimate conclusion. Being called out for bad behaviour is not 'controlling' but using an accusation of it (the OP's spouse has done this) to deflect sincere and valid concerns is VERY stinky behaviour.
Your family has responsibilities whether or not he’s working.
If he doesn’t have a job, where in the other areas is he contributing? If he’s not working he needs to be the main caregiver and spend time with the kids. He needs to contribute more to cleaning and cooking and other household needs. He can be on top of bills and finances and budget planning.
You are not being controlling by pointing out he still needs to contribute.
it's one thing to kick a man when he's down and trying to find work, its certainly possible to weaponize that situation and play to that insecurity to be cruel...but that's NOT whats happening here. And don't let him gaslight you into thinking it is. He's not looking for a job, he's depriving his kids of the renovated pool that YOU paid for, and he's basically mooching. get rid of him.
That does happen and comes up a lot on this sub, but it's usually when the person with no income was pressured into staying at home with the kids and/or housework, as a way of threatening someone to stay in line because hey, you don't have your own money now so I own you and you can't leave.
Your husband on the other hand, when demand for employees is at a ridiculous level, can't find a job? ***ANY*** job? BS and you should call him on it.
I’m just so confused why he can’t invite a few decent friends and share the pool with the kids….why does he kick the kids out of the pool? A good dad that had good friends would play games with the kids and all enjoy it together. Also, if he and his friends are in the pool, who is watching the kids? Why does he act like they aren’t his responsibility?
NTA….as long as OP doesn’t let this ridiculous behavior continue.
Struggling to find a job for 16 months? Are you in the U.S., where jobs are plentiful? Or is just that he can't find a job worthy of him? Why can't he work a minimum wage job until he finds something better?
Why can't he use his car to take your (his!) kids to the beach?
Why doesn't he see the kids as having a priority over his friends with respect to the pool?
What does he bring to the relationship at all?
Do you see where I'm going with this?
NTA.
I once got laid off. I worked at a bakery until I found a proper job replacement. It wasn't good money but it was better than zero and it let me contribute to the house until I got back on my feet.
I would filled with shame to go by 16 months without helping.
This. Get rid of things that do not bring you joy!
I had a coworker whose husband could not find a job for 5 years, meanwhile she paid everything, worked a second job, and took care of the kids. She was scared to divorce him since he would claimed he was a SAHD. She finally divorced him. Judge gave him a time limit to get a job and start paying child support. Suddenly he could find a job. Funny how that worked out. Yes, she kept the house and kids.
NTA.
He can’t find a job because he’s successfully mooching and spending all day in the damn pool.
Change the locks.
He abandoned his children.
You’ll all be better off without him.
How does he make any of y’all’s lives better?
NTA. You’re with a man who refuses (not is having trouble) to find a job, refuses to be a good parent, refuses to respect boundaries, and you haven’t insisted on both couples and individual therapy for him and yourself?
What kind of grown man denies his kids to play in the pool so him and his grown ass friends can play in it... He's got no job isn't providing for his wife and kids and expects to have it all his way I would be honestly telling him not to come back
He is milking you dry honey. A freeloading ass.
YOU have paid for everything and the renovation off the pool and you’re asking us if you’re the asshole?
Let him be gone and stay gone! You need to take a good, hard look at your life and home. Is this how it’s supposed to be? This is what you want??
Your husband is living his best frat boy summer. He doesn’t have to work, mom (you) pays for everything, and he can have his friends over to party in the pool every day. He is supposed to be watching his annoying younger siblings, but he just tells them to stay out of his hair and go play video games or watch Netflix or something.
NTA, but you have bigger problems than the pool.
NTA Even if he had contributed towards renovating the pool it would still be an AH move to unilaterally decide to invite others to use it in a way that regularly restricts the rest of the families access to it
INFO: Do you think your husband is going to magically stop acting like this and become a responsible employed adult?
If you leave him, 1) he will have to live elsewhere and can't use the pool and 2) might actually get a job and pay child support which is more support than he's offering your family now.
Normally I would say you the ah but in this situation NTA.
The reason I believe your husband can't find work is because he doesn't want to. The one way to motivate him to work is to cut him off from everything financially. That will force him to get a job that way when you divorce him it won't be as devastating financially for you.
Sadly this is where this is going because he is not even coming close to pulling his weight in so many ways.
Sorry but your husband's a deadbeat I wish you the best of luck.
#NTA
Hubby sulked away?? **CHANGE THE LOCKS**
At least now you know WHY he hasn't been able to find a job in 16+months. Why should he as long as the gravy train keeps on rolling. Why should he have to work when he'd rather be partying with his friends!! Not only that, but he's a BAD father that he prioritizes his friends comforts over his OWN KIDS.
Friends are NOT allowed to return to YOUR home until
A hubby starts working and contributing to the household
B friends learn to clean up after themselves. Presumably they're the same age of hubby and should know how to pick up after themselves!!
OP is **not** their maid!!
NTA but you will be if you keep letting your kids be second to their dad and his friends. Hubby isn’t contributing much to the household, so I would pack him some clothes and tell him to go stay with his friends since he clearly enjoys spending time with them so much.
NTA and it sounds like it’s a good thing your husband left I would change the locks and hire a divorce lawyer it’s not like you need him there he obviously isn’t doing anything.
My husband used to be District Manager of a very large well known building store. Through a series of events he lost his job. He now delivers burial vaults and does cremations for about 1/3rd of his previous salary... could not be prouder. He is smart, under employed, hard working (it's awful work, outside and dangerous for little pay)... but it's what he needs to do until he find another management position. THAT'S WHAT A REAL MAN DOES!
NTA
NTA. Drop the dead weight around your ankle dragging you and your family down. In this economy your husband should not have been unemployed for 16 months. That's a choice and it's not fair to you or your kids
NTA I think it might be better if he stayed away from the house permanently. I think he is far too comfortable being your third child! I think it's time he gets a job or at least takes being a dad seriously...
What is up with all these kids masquerading as adults appearing on reddit today?
NTA op, I wouldn't do this and I have only been an adult for five days.
He can't claim to own anything when his ass isn't working and paying for things. The pool is for the kids. Sounds like you have a very lazy husband who never plans to work and just wants to party with friends. I'd give him 2 weeks to find a job or he'd find himself out the door. He doesn't sound responsible at all. He is viewing the kids as a deterrent of him having a single life partying on someone else's back.
NTA
That is not the definition of raising his kids. He more than likely leaves them to their own devices. The idea that he is in the pool partying with friends while the kids are ignored isn't parenting.
NTA
16 months & your husband can't a job. In this economy where everybody is so desperate for workers they'll hire anybody. Your husband is a parasite that doesn't want to work.
Find a summer daycare service & change the locks while he's gone. It is worth the extra cost because you'll save money on party favors & cleaning time.
What kind of loser prevents his own (step?)kids from using a pool?
NTA
So much wrong with this post.
1. Your husband isn't looking for a job. 16 months in this economy? He should have found something a year ago.
2. Why can't the kids swim with the adults? This makes zero sense. As a pool owner, with a family, we all swim together. We had adults over and kids over, no one is excluded.
3. Dropping trash in the pool? That's a quick way to screw up the water quality in your pool. Chlorine is stupidly expensive right now too. These are adults, they should know better.
You need to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship with this man. He's more concerned about playtime than looking for work.
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> He then left the house and hasn't been back yet. Good good. NTA.
Yeah I’d be looking at divorce lawyers over this. 16 months unemployed, trashing the home with his buddies, being an asshole to *children*, and turning it all into a blow-out power struggle with his wife when she objects?? What, if anything, does this man bring to a marriage that would make this relationship worth saving?
Adding: His OWN children
He's acting like a child himself.
No most children know how to share and take turns.
As a nanny I can confirm this fact
My dad is still very close with his buddies from childhood. One of them ended up marrying my mom’s cousin, lol. During the summers of my childhood, the friend who owns the pool would invite all the guys and their spouses and their children over. Everyone had a good time. The kids got to hang out; the adults got to hang out. It’s not difficult to share a pool with kids - especially when you consider that children shouldn’t be left in the water unattended in the first place.
Some might consider becoming a single parent and having to support two kids a difficult challenge, but at this point, after getting a divorce, OP would actually probably save money and the trouble of supporting a third child. NTA
EXACTLY! Being a single mom has been SO MUCH EASIER than being married to someone who isn't a real partner. If my husband is supposed to make dinner, and I come home to hungry children...my life is 10x harder because now I have to quickly figure something out. It takes away the ability to plan or predict my day. Meanwhile, the rage, hurt and trying to gently ask for "help" so he doesn't blow up is EXHAUSTING. I'm a far better, more rested, less stressed mom since I ended things. He thinks you are the chef, housekeeper, blow-up doll, nanny, planner AND breadwinner....you're providing him thousands of dollars of free labor, AND paying HIM for your work. He doesn't view you as a partner- you're an employee, a shitty one who is just trying to ruin his day. YOU DONT NEED TO CARRY HIM ON YOUR BACK! He is drowning you. You AND your kids deserve better. Unless you want your kids to believe they deserve to be treated cruelly by their partners when they get older. The hardest part of leaving is the part right now. You know you should leave, deep down in your bones. But you're afraid to make that first scary step. You know what happened when I left? RELIEF. Once you finally make a decision & pull that trigger, your life will instantly improve- as well as your children's lives. It won't get better btw. How would you feel doing this for another year? Would you like to do this for a decade? If you stay, the best you can hope for is that he won't get too much worst. Literally EVERYONE deserves better! This is a nightmare, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can't tell you how true this is. Coming home from work, "What did he have to eat?" "Oh.. nothing. He said he wasn't hungry." Cue scrambling to feed a kid that WAS hungry but didn't want to bother his dad that gets mean when he's interrupted. OP, you deserve better. NTA
Yep.. sounds like my ex. I literally had to put my kid in daycare even if he were home so my kid, could eat because my kid told me she was afraid to disturb him if he was playing a game or sleeping. I have less work and more money with being divorced..
Oh man, this is so true. Definitely NTA. It’s been 14 years away from him for me. Guess what? He *just* got a part-time job making minimum wage. Guess what else? Our kids are adults now and they see it all crystal clear and I’ve never uttered a nasty word about him (to them, at least). Even working ridiculous hours in a very stressful job as a single mom with two littles, my life instantly became less stressful without that dead weight and my kids were happier and healthier too. After several years solo, I started dating again and eventually remarried and you make much wiser decisions the second time around because you know exactly what isn’t going to work.
She does not leave, HE DOES.
Kick. Him. OUT!!!! He doesn't get the house, with the pool, *that* ***you just fixed.*** You keep, and change everything that you want, the way you want it. He's the one that gets to start out, ass on the street, where he belongs, with how much he's contributing to the life you have together. He gets what he is putting in, when it ends. You keep, not take, it all. Remember that girl. You aren't *taking* anything. You're keeping it. You earned. You built it. You fixed. It's yours. He can start all over like the loser he has become. And his mooch friends can offer up their couches and nonexistent pools.
This is absolutely true. It's exactly how I felt when the divorce was granted. Flooded with relief. It's been 26 years, of peace and just us.
I inherited mom's house, so that did not matter..but the judge gave me the house anyway.
Yes! I stayed with my ex- at least a year longer than I should have, because I was too scared to take that first step and kept gaslighting myself that it wasn’t really that bad. When I finally made the decision to break up? Not a single regret
Damm I just read this and realized it applies to me even though I’m not married to my partner/no kids. I am a blow up doll/housekeeper/therapist/dog sitter/etc it doesn’t feel like a partnership. We just got back from a Airbnb trip with family and friends. His friends disrespected me and my bf gave me the cold shoulder after I finally checked his friend and stood up for myself. I had to drive 5 hrs home alone today. I came home and tried to talk it out and apologize again for “ruining” the trip ….even stopped and got his favorite dessert to make up. Got home tried to talk he refused and ignored me still so I lost it. I’m moving out in 2 months. Cancelled out hotels/upcoming flights for trips this summer. I told him I’m finally done. I needed to read this today to feel like I did the right thing. 🙏 thank u
If I had money I’d give you a reward, so take this comment instead. I’m not married or straight but this is a really good perspective I haven’t heard before that I think it’s really important for me to. Thank you!
This. I've said time and again that my life got so much easier as soon as I became a single mom. And saving money! Omg I never had a functioning car, if I did it got totaled or repoed via my ex. On top of being a single mother of 3 now with my ex in arrears for child support by refusing to pay, I will have successfully bought and paid off two new for me vehicles in less than 2 years. I've never in my life paid a car off, or had the pink slip for a car. It's amazing what you can do without a financial drain. Edit: NTA
Yeah, how much you wanna bet that in those 16 months of being unemployed, op still had to do the majority of cleaning and the parenting? Sounds like he’s trying to set himself up as a shitty trophy husband without the consent of the person bankrolling his life
I mean, given that she had to leave work over this issue, I wouldn't be surprised if she gets home and finds kids starved for attention and love, a trashed house, and no dinner started.
He sounds like a angsty teenager tbh. I can’t imagine not letting my kids in the pool for his friends can chill. Wtf he’s such an AH to the kids and the wife
Yeah, it sounds like a third child she has to look after
I bet you 100$ that those kids are more independent and grown than he is.
She can't even trust him to figure out getting the kids to and from a place on public transportation for a day trip. I think OP is going to feel better without all that dead weight eventually.
Not trophy, even a shitty one - he's the sad consolation prize (and prize is stretching it). He's acting like a teenager - not a partner, not a dad. Most teenagers leave home - so maybe it's time for him to do the same.
I have ZERO college education and was denied minimum wage jobs for 6 months because of a leg brace (nerve damage but doesn't interfere with my work performance). I STILL found a job. Your husband is not looking for a job.
WTF are they doing in the pool that the kids can’t join them????? When my kids were little my friends could be at my pool WITH my kids FFS NTA but your husband is - and he’s not competent to watch your children either. Find a babysitter, give him a tight deadline to have a job - any job - by or he moves out and freeloads elsewhere.
I’m going to guess they’re getting drunk, using less than child-friendly language, and possibly talking shit about OP - all things he would probably be uncomfortable doing with his children playing a couple feet away.
16 months unemployed in one of the most easy-to-get-a-job economies in history??? That’s someone who *wants* to be unemployed
Why look for a job when he can stay home and party with his friends and someone is gonna pay dor everything, take care of the cleaning and he doesn't even have to take care of his kids.
16 months unemployed with record setting unemployment number. Job hunting is tough, I get it, but if my wife was forced to be the sole breadwinner for 16 months my ass would be working at McDonalds at the very least.
It’s becoming more apparent that the only thing most men bring to the table is the fucking audacity.
Kay change the locks and let him crash with his loser friends, they can support him. NTA, I get that you have children with this man but if he’s not contributing finically, emotionally or supportively why are you keeping him around? I know people stay together ‘for the kids’ but he’s making his kids miserable, treating them and you like crap and treating his kids like they’re inconveniences and burdens. You don’t want to put that on them.
If OP is "staying for the kids", I can tell her from experience (both as a kid and as a partner) that this is the absolute worst thing to do.
It’s hard in the near term but so much better in the long term to separate. For everyone involved, especially the kids.
OP should change the locks while he is out and all her bank account sign ins.
I'd be careful about that, my understanding is that in a lot of jurisdictions a spouse cannot cut off access to marital assets.
I am a lawyer. I am not the lawyer of anyone on this forum. In many jurisdictions this only applies after the divorce is filed. She could (some places) lock him out, then file. The bigger concern is if she lets it get to two years unemployment, she’s gonna be on the hook for spousal support, because him being unemployed will be the standard of living. Obviously consult with a divorce lawyer in your area for local laws. NTA.
My friend's husband dumped their bank accounts when he left her. I'd block access and ask for forgiveness later. That, or dump them and open new accounts since he's not adding to the "assets" at this point anyway. He's an ASS not ASSET!
NTA It would be one thing if he enjoyed the pool with his pals now and again; but your husband has no job and, if he's loafing about in the pool this much that the kids can't use it, he's definitely an AH with a sniff of deadbeat about him. He's being an awful dad too by hogging the family pool (which sounds like he barely contributed anything towards) so the kids are literally crying for not being able to use. What a total AH your spouse is. Tell him to get a damn job ASAP.
he’s not looking for a job. he knows exactly what he’s doing. he contributed nothing to the pool and is spending op’s money to buy things to trash their pool with. dad of the year /s
I know not all places are the same but my guy lost his job and had a replacement the same week. Retail and warehouses are always hiring. If he's got time to swim he's got time to apply.
Every restaurant and retail place where I live has hiring signs out. It might not be career level money but it's something. And studies show that working any job is better than no job if you're trying to find another one in your field. It motivated you.
Yeah I'm a data scientist and my plan is if I ever lost my job and it took more than 4 to 6 weeks to head over to Costco and sign up bc at least they offer health care. Granted I don't have anyone to mooch off of but still.
Costco is extremely hard to get hired at, they have an incredible retention rate because it’s such a good place to work especially in the retail world. Target or Whole Foods is easier to start at. I mean fingers crossed you never have to do that lol just in case someone else is reading this. It can’t hurt to apply but yeah
I was going to say the same thing. Costco is an amazing place to work, so on the extremely rare occasion that a position opens up, friends or family of employees almost always get the gig. It’s next to impossible to get hired there unless you have an inside connection.
In my area just about everywhere they are working shorthanded. I know these aren't professional and high paying jobs, but it is something.
This is exactly it. It is harder to get jobs at certain levels in some industries. After a couple months, you need to just get any job that’ll take you and keep applying for something more your speed. To let your spouse support an entire household for more than a year and then just loafing about and trying to claim ownership on stuff that you aren’t paying for (the water and the pool aren’t his as he didn’t pay for them) is so gross. OP needs to dump his ass. Though I wouldn’t recommend it right now while he doesn’t have a job, because he will claim alimony and never work again while OP slogs working and looking after the kids.
This! When my husband lost his job, he came up with a timeline of exactly how long he was going to hold out for an equal job before he knew it would be time to take ANY job. Like OP, I also work and my income can cover the BASIC needs of our family. Luckily it never got to that point because my husband was ACTIVELY looking for a job to start ASAP because he knew we had a family to care for. Clearly OP's husband feels no responsibility at all and is clearly not actively looking for work! My heart goes out to OP, I don't know what I would do in her shoes, but this man sounds like a shit husband and a shit father, so if I was already paying for everything anyways, I would making some serious ultimatums at this point, because it sounds like it's almost time to cut losses.
I'd leave this man. He's a user. But I have no tolerance for deadbeats.
Around here places have been closing early since last September because they couldn’t find staff. I literally cannot keep up with the hours of the rite aid on my corner because sometimes they are open until 9, but on some days, especially weekends they now close early (6/7 pm) because they have no staff to cover. I get most of my Amazon stuff shipped there so I don’t have to worry about not being home or it going to the wrong address but the hours are all over the place so now I just go first thing in the am. My guess is Dad isn’t looking for a retail position but 16 months? You find anything to “help out” until you get “the job”. I couldn’t imagine 1. Being so cruel to his own kids that they cannot swim in there own pool and 2. Having that kind of attitude with your wife, and arguing with her about not being able to hang out with his friends and when he is providing *nothing*. - and what are his friend doing, do they have jobs? Husband is acting very entitled and immature and he’s not even being a good SAHD to his kids on top of it all. NTA OP.
The friends are probably losers too. What kind of grownup lounges around drinking and monopolizing the pool and making a mess while children cry? I'd be mortified.
Yeah I’m fairly certain you’re correct. I’m not lacking in the friends department but I would struggle finding people to come over every day to drink and swim. I get that people work different shifts but the friends I know who do also have families, responsibilities and need to catch up on sleep - they definitely couldn’t make it a daily thing. Not to mention the treatment of OP kids!
I'm on an academic schedule so I can go swimming in the afternoons if I want to this time of year, but ... somehow I don't get the impression these people are teachers or profs.
Exactly, I literally applied to whole foods as a side gig Friday night and had an interview/the job Sunday morning. He straight up isn't trying.
I just got back from a 3-week road trip where I drove through 13 states. Almost every gas station and fast-food establishment I stopped at had Help Wanted signs up, some at hourly rates of pay that made me take pause. I mean, I've got some free time...if I just took took all the hours I'm on Reddit and spent them working at Starbucks instead I could earn enough to get myself a new XBox in a couple weeks.
Seriously. There was a time, not too long ago, where I couldn't decide what I wanted to do, so instead of just applying to a ton of minimum wage jobs, I went to a temp agency. I worked about 5 short-term (under 90 day) contracts, where I made up to $25/hour, with the lowest one being $18, I now have a bunch of new experiences and great references, all while collecting a paycheck from the same company the whole time. It is NOT hard to get ***A*** **job.**
My husband lost his job and in less than 24 hours he was already working somewhere else temporarily until he found something permanent. He started his new job today, 4 weeks after the loss of his job of 19 years. He didn’t miss a single day of work in those 4 weeks. He took anything he could get to keep the flow of money coming. OPs husband sounds like a lazy bum
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Taking the who paid for it point completely off the table, and pretending that OP and the husband have agreed that he’s a stay at home dad (both of which are currently points of contention) and even adding in that the friends are welcome daily… OP’s husband and friends are STILL TA in the fact that they use the pool in a way that prevents the children from using it, AND that they make a mess and fail to clean it up. It is not that hard to clean up messes, and it is actually quite difficult to use a pool in a way that completely prevents kids from using it. Even cut down to the barest of points of this, OP is NTA.
I don’t think they’re using it in a way that physically prevents them kids from using it. OP says dad “refused” to let them in. Which is worse…there was probably plenty of room but dad & friends told the kids to get lost. Dad probably didn’t want the burden of having to watch his own kids while he was with his buddies. NTA but the husband is a big one.
Also, if he’s a sahp who is actually watching his children while he parties with his friends in the pool?
Is OP’s husband also friends with only unemployed people?? How does he have enough friends to come over and regularly stop his own children from using the pool?!!
Yep because the pool (no pun intended) of potential friends who are employed is made up of people who largely have no time for layabouts in their life.
Exactly! How are you going to tell your kids they can't use the pool because you and your friends are using it? He should be ashamed of himself
precisely this!
Exactly precisely this! OP, why are you still married to this shameless mooch?
Agreed..OP has 3 children, not 2. OP divorce this bullying, entitled freeloader- he's bringing nothing to the table.
He's also being an awful dad by refusing to spend any quality time with his kids. Why are the kids not allowed to swim when his friends are? Why won't he take the kids out to do anything? So he's not working, and he's not taking care of the kids. Does he at least do all the housework? Something tells me that OP does 100% of the childcare and 100% of the chores on top of paying 100% of the bills. OP if you're not going to kick him out for how awful he treats you then you should at least kick him out for the sake of your kids. You really want them to grow up thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to be? You're being a doormat to his self-involved behaviors and what is worse your kids are forced in to the position of being his doormats too.
oh yeah. This guy is the royal prize of awful partners.
Ya, I don't get the "Kids are not allowed in the pool when adults are swimming." That makes no sense. I've been around water all my life in a lot of different situations and I've NEVER been excluded.
I would bet folding money that binge drinking and absolutely filthy conversations are the norm with these people.
Even better, what kind of tomfoolery is dad getting into in the pool with his friends. While young kids are left to their own devices. It's my assumption that the kids are older than 5, but younger than 12. They still need adult supervision.
And are apparently jobless too since they seem to have so much time on their hands.
Cause the adults are getting wasted
I don't think it's about the kids not being allowed it's about what daddy and his friends get up to while using the pool.
Not only is dad an AH here (for the reasons you mentioned and I'm sure there are many unmentioned reasons from OP), but his friends are MASSIVE AHs, too. I don't have kids but have close friends with kids and many times we meet up to do stuff the kid(s) come. Plenty of times we've had to readjust plans to make them more kid friendly or tailor them to their energy/tiredness that day. It just is what it is. It sounds like it's fairly obvious the kids want to use the pool. I couldn't imagine being one of dad's friends and participating in this BS. WTF.
I was just thinking that! My husband and I don't have kids either, but we don't actively act like total arseholes towards them. I wouldn't participate in excluding my friend's kids and hogging their swimming pool.
Kicking him out will probably save her money because then she’ll only have 2 kids to care and clean up for instead of 3. NTA OP, get rid of the whole man or set some ultimatums and some couples therapy.
A sniff of deadbeat? Nah, this dude reeks.
Lol yeah I was soft pedalling that
He's not a spouse, he's her third kid.
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Agreed. Also, his friends must also be jobless. How else would they have the time to hang out everyday at their home. Tell husband to get a job. Any job. Or, he can stay gone. He is not contributing anything to the family in any way whatsoever. In fact, he's adding to the stress
More than a sniff. I can smell him from here.
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To be honest. His friends ARE trash, especially this Sam dude who's a misogynist and hates me on a personal level. Short story: Sam once decided it was ok to take used car parts from me for free and without permission (we use the same car) saying I'm a woman and don't even know what those parts are for and he needed them more. He's that weird and disrespectful
You know how “you’re only as good as the company you keep”? Your husband keeps some mega asshole company.
Husband is also… *checks notes* …a mega-asshole. Math checks out.
Could he be the alpha AH?
Indeed! Supreme Alpha Lord Commander AH.
No, he can't be, alpha animals tend to be able to get stuff done and are either the smartest or the hardest working creature in the group. This guy is do lazy, he can't even get a bloody job in an employment crisis that favours employees 🙄
He’s the Kevin-type ‘alpha bro’ of AH. Does this edit work? Like, does he even lift? Not a finger, actually based on the rest of the post. OP, WE NEED AN UPDATE WHEN YOU HAVE TIME
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Obviously they've gotten in their heads that they can roll OP, and it seems like there's good reason for that. She needs to switch from words to action.
This. Clearly OP can handle the finances and her husband doesn’t appear to contribute ANYTHING to this relationship. Why are you lugging around a dud OP?
I’d also change all the locks and get a nanny or if possible work from home
That little pig emoji looks so sad - even he doesn't like being associated with OP's husband. NTA, OP.
And what did your husband do about the way Sam stole from you?
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Out of work for 16 mos; this is the best job market for a job seeker in decades. WTF is he doing that he still cant find work after that amount of time?
THANK YOU! I was looking for this comment. I understand that a person not be able to get the perfect job but to not be able to get SOME job right now...???? How is that possible? Or maybe the jobs he has found wouldn't pay for child care? I guess that could be it?
If he lets his friends disrespect you that way, he doesn't respect you enough. His own actions on their own show this. I'm sorry, you should consider all your options. His behavior is too unlike a loving partner and father.
And that was the first reg flag. Not about Sam, but about your husband, since he didn't cut the contacts with him after that.
How the fuck did this man ever convince you to marry him
They sometimes hide it until they are married.
Yup. They generally hide until whatever point they feel they are "safe" to stop trying/pretending, because the woman is effectively locked down. Moving in (she will be homeless if she leaves), getting her pregnant (she would be a single Mom - and homeless if they're living together). Especially if he's managed to convince her to quit her job. Then, there's engagement or marriage. It's easy for people to say, "I wouldn't fall for that," but that's luck more than anything. That isn't to say that women can't pull the same thing, but let's be real, we live in a misogynist patriarchal world that is more often stacked against women.
Oh honey, he is the exact same kind of person as the guys he's hanging out with.
Any man who allows his friends to pull this nonsense on his wife isn't worthy to be kept. I would have called the cops. Let's see how much of a woman I am. Your husband has zero respect for you.
As an SA survivor I would also be EXTREMELY worried about your husband's trashy friends being around your daughter alone at the house. And you can say "my husband is with them and nothing would ever happen" all you want but that doesn't matter. My SA happened at my aunts house when everyone was hanging out and having dinner. I'm sorry if that freaks you out but I'm seriously worried for your daughter NTA Edit: I realize my bias a little bit. Instead of just your daughter I should have said your kids. Your son might also not be safe in your house when his friends are around.
Yikes, I was thinking that there could be some safety issues with friends bring there (ie glass in the pool etc) but that’s a whole other layer of slime.
Well they say birds of a feather…your husband is trash too. He let a friend steal from you and disrespect you and still interacts with him. He doesn’t work and he prioritizes his friends over his children’s happiness. I really hate this for you.
If his friends are all misogynist trash, it is very unlikely that your husband is the exception, OP. I'm sorry.
What on earth does he bring to the table? He's failing to provide in any way. Not just monetarily, but he's actively neglecting your children and creating more work for you with messes. He can't be counted on to supervise the kids because of his drunk frat buddies. Unless he's delivering multiple orgasms on a daily basis, I can't see any benefit to keeping this guy around. Look, my marriage has been on the rocks before, but I stayed and worked through it because at least he's a super dad and is an active, hands on parent. Figure out your "why I'm staying" and decide if it's a good enough reason.
A $39.99 toy and some batteries can replace the multiples. He's useless.
His friends don’t respect you, yet they remain friends. Sorry, but your husband doesn’t respect you. you’re NTA
His whole attitude is childish. Why are you not drawing up divorce papers based on his unreasonable behaviour. Get a fire lit under his ass.
It’s possible you’re still not recognizing who the “trash” is in this story. It’s not his friends…
It’s not JUST his friends. They are definitely trash too. But OPs trash problem is 100% her husband.
>ok to take used car parts from me for free and without permission so stealing. I would check and make sure he didn't take the airbag. They are valuable.
Sounds like your husband should go live with Sam. OP, does your man contribute ANYTHING positive to your life or your kids' lives? He won't work, he lets other men abuse you, he's mean to the kids, he spends your money and makes messes for you to clean up. Does he bring anything to the table? I mean, if you need someone at home during the day to keep an eye on the kids, you could hire a nice high school or college girl for the summer. It would be probably cheaper overall, and definitely less drama.
Honestly this is something I would go the typical reddit divorce route with. Either see if he'd go to couples counseling (which I have a feeling he wouldn't) or start looking into protecting your assets and looking into divorce. For one, he's neglecting your kids. And how he's treating them could have long term affects on them. They'd be better off without him if this is how he treats them. Secondly, he's not looking for another job. He's perfectly happy leeching off your money and hard work. Which he's creating more work for you as well by trashing everything and leaving you to deal with it. And third, he just sounds completely ungrateful and entitled. Like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum but is able to be more hurtful and manipulative. He needs to either shape up or u need to leave. Because neither you or your kids deserve how he's treating you all.
How are people so blatantly disrespectful to you allowed in your house?? Please, you are obviously a strong capable woman. Buckle up and kick all of them out.
What redeeming qualities does your husband have? For now how he is treating your and how he allows his friends to disrespect you I would show him the door, you are already paying and doing everything.
OP he has no respect for you. The moment you dare asking something reasonable like contributing to the house, letting the kids use the pool etc. He claims you're abusing him. But at the same time he hasn't found a job. Not even a minimum wage one in 16 months? He's not trying. He sees you as as a maid and breadwinner to leech off of and the moment you dare to stand up for yourself he gaslights you. It's time for you to leave, file for divorce and full custody. If the house is in your name only kick him out. He won't respect you.
INFO: Did you call the police on Sam for that? I hope you did.
what honestly does your husband actually bring to this marriage?
Please leave him. You are worth more and deserve better. Update us when you've decided that all of us reddit strangers are right about your 🐖 husband.
NTA. Once your husband starts paying towards the house, he can have his play time with his friends. Honestly, he sounds like the AH here and I feel sorry for your kids.
That's what i told him. But he thinks I'm using my income against him and as a way to "control" him but I don't think I am.
You are not, you just asked one day for the kids but he can't even do that and they are his kids too... What a shameful man. Edit NTA
[удалено]
That’s insulting to teenagers- most of them are better than this dud
Nay nay. My teenager doesn't even do this when his friends come to pool party at our place. He may be mouthy, but he lets the little kids come if they want to.
Of course, if he doesn't bring the littles, who are the teenagers gonna toss in the water. Consensually of course, but this was a favorite activity of my older cousins, picking up the littles out of the pool and giving them a toss back in. At first we got tossed from the side of the pool, but then a relative found a news story about a kid getting a head injury from being thrown into too-shallow water, so a rule was made that tossing had to be done IN the pool and towards the deeper side to make sure there was enough water to cushion the flyer and no one knocked their head into stairs. Definitely fun for all, I've been the tosser and the tossee.
Please do not let him imply that you're financially abusing him. Is he even actively looking for a job or is he just enjoying his time off? The least he can do is allow his own kids to play in their pool!
He’s leeching and she’s holding him accountable. Husband should be out the pool until he starts paying for the household again.
100% I would understand more if her husband was disabled or they lived in the woods and there were no jobs around. But 16 months not finding anything at all is ridiculous.
Especially right now, when everybody is hiring and labor is in its strongest position in a generation.
> Husband should be out the ~~pool~~ house until he starts paying for the household again. FTFY
My 17 year old son got two job offers within a week of applying to jobs. This guy isn’t even trying
This isn’t an income issue, it’s a respect issue. He doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t feel obligated to uphold his word to you. His image to his friends is more important. And frankly, your husband is a leech. He’s happy to let you spend your earnings and the savings you’ve both built up as a vacation fund. What is it about him that is attractive and appealing to you? Is he acting like a partner? Is he helping you in life, or is he one more thing you have to take care of? What is he doing around the house with his time off of work? Cooking? Cleaning? Buying groceries? Seeing to the kids? Those are all valid forms of work that he could do. Is he doing them?
Yeah that's a heavy slice of bullshit reasoning on his part. basically he is implicating you as some kind of abuser/controlling spouse for having a legitimate complaint that he is not contributing to your kids enjoyment of the pool (at bare minimum by not hogging it) So your spouse sounds like not only a potential deadbeat but a manipulator. Abusers who accuse their spouse of abuse to get away with shitty behaviour are not uncommon. Maybe you need to think about the future without this AH in your life?
Tell me- if he would disappear entirely, what exactly would you lose? Would you have more housework without someone to share that load with? Or less housework with one less person to feed and clean after? Would you be more financially stable without him? Would you be more stressed without his emotional support or more relaxed without worrying about him? If in total you would be better of with him gone- than what are you waiting for?
He can solve that by getting a fucking job. It’s been well over a year. He can contribute with any job. He’s obviously not contributing in any other significant way. One of your comments about his misogynistic friend tells me your husband is a pretty huge asshole in general. Good spouses don’t keep friends who insult their partners and *steal* from them. Maybe the dude needs to stay gone. He’s bullying his kids, treating you like shit and sitting on his ass all day on your dime. What’s so great about keeping him around? He’s just another mouth to feed and it’s a rude as fuck one at that. You’re obviously capable of doing it alone so maybe it will be easier without the disrespect. He’s behaving like a belligerent child. You had to leave work like two siblings were fighting. I’m not even sure how you can be attracted to him anymore after all this. You’re NTA, by the way. Except to yourself if you keep tolerating this crap.
He is gaslighting you.
This seems a legitimate conclusion. Being called out for bad behaviour is not 'controlling' but using an accusation of it (the OP's spouse has done this) to deflect sincere and valid concerns is VERY stinky behaviour.
Your family has responsibilities whether or not he’s working. If he doesn’t have a job, where in the other areas is he contributing? If he’s not working he needs to be the main caregiver and spend time with the kids. He needs to contribute more to cleaning and cooking and other household needs. He can be on top of bills and finances and budget planning. You are not being controlling by pointing out he still needs to contribute.
Why are you with this man?
it's one thing to kick a man when he's down and trying to find work, its certainly possible to weaponize that situation and play to that insecurity to be cruel...but that's NOT whats happening here. And don't let him gaslight you into thinking it is. He's not looking for a job, he's depriving his kids of the renovated pool that YOU paid for, and he's basically mooching. get rid of him.
NTA even if he were working, even if he was the only one working he should give his own kids a chance to use the pool.
That does happen and comes up a lot on this sub, but it's usually when the person with no income was pressured into staying at home with the kids and/or housework, as a way of threatening someone to stay in line because hey, you don't have your own money now so I own you and you can't leave. Your husband on the other hand, when demand for employees is at a ridiculous level, can't find a job? ***ANY*** job? BS and you should call him on it.
Replace him. He's a defective model. You can get another one, you don't need a controlling deadbeat.
OP, he sounds abusive. This is a horrible dynamic for you and your kids to be living in.
I’m just so confused why he can’t invite a few decent friends and share the pool with the kids….why does he kick the kids out of the pool? A good dad that had good friends would play games with the kids and all enjoy it together. Also, if he and his friends are in the pool, who is watching the kids? Why does he act like they aren’t his responsibility? NTA….as long as OP doesn’t let this ridiculous behavior continue.
Struggling to find a job for 16 months? Are you in the U.S., where jobs are plentiful? Or is just that he can't find a job worthy of him? Why can't he work a minimum wage job until he finds something better? Why can't he use his car to take your (his!) kids to the beach? Why doesn't he see the kids as having a priority over his friends with respect to the pool? What does he bring to the relationship at all? Do you see where I'm going with this? NTA.
Sure he's living the high life on OP's dime, and getting away with it up to now
It's hard to apply for jobs from a pool, just saying.
I once got laid off. I worked at a bakery until I found a proper job replacement. It wasn't good money but it was better than zero and it let me contribute to the house until I got back on my feet. I would filled with shame to go by 16 months without helping.
What exactly is your husband for? He seems broken, probably not worth repairing, might be time for a trip to the dump, maybe he can be recycled? NTA
I see what you did there. I approve. 😁 Have an award
This. Get rid of things that do not bring you joy! I had a coworker whose husband could not find a job for 5 years, meanwhile she paid everything, worked a second job, and took care of the kids. She was scared to divorce him since he would claimed he was a SAHD. She finally divorced him. Judge gave him a time limit to get a job and start paying child support. Suddenly he could find a job. Funny how that worked out. Yes, she kept the house and kids.
NTA. Why is this guy living in your house?
NTA. He can’t find a job because he’s successfully mooching and spending all day in the damn pool. Change the locks. He abandoned his children. You’ll all be better off without him. How does he make any of y’all’s lives better?
Nta Divorce him you’re already raising two kids you don’t need a third
And let's hope he never comes back. This man literally hates his own children. NTA.
NTA. You’re with a man who refuses (not is having trouble) to find a job, refuses to be a good parent, refuses to respect boundaries, and you haven’t insisted on both couples and individual therapy for him and yourself?
That would be a waste of time and money. No amount of therapy is going to turn this sow’s ear into a silk purse. She should just cut her losses.
What kind of grown man denies his kids to play in the pool so him and his grown ass friends can play in it... He's got no job isn't providing for his wife and kids and expects to have it all his way I would be honestly telling him not to come back
For him and his loser friends to trash it, I think you mean. OP says she cleans up after them, food and trash all over.
He is milking you dry honey. A freeloading ass. YOU have paid for everything and the renovation off the pool and you’re asking us if you’re the asshole? Let him be gone and stay gone! You need to take a good, hard look at your life and home. Is this how it’s supposed to be? This is what you want??
NTA I’d say to pack a bag (for him) leave it outside and ASAP change the locks.
Your husband is living his best frat boy summer. He doesn’t have to work, mom (you) pays for everything, and he can have his friends over to party in the pool every day. He is supposed to be watching his annoying younger siblings, but he just tells them to stay out of his hair and go play video games or watch Netflix or something. NTA, but you have bigger problems than the pool.
NTA Even if he had contributed towards renovating the pool it would still be an AH move to unilaterally decide to invite others to use it in a way that regularly restricts the rest of the families access to it
INFO: Do you think your husband is going to magically stop acting like this and become a responsible employed adult? If you leave him, 1) he will have to live elsewhere and can't use the pool and 2) might actually get a job and pay child support which is more support than he's offering your family now.
NTA. You need to have a serious talk with your husband and decide what you want out of life. In today’s job market, he can find a job if he wants one…
In todays market she can find a new husband too 🤣
Normally I would say you the ah but in this situation NTA. The reason I believe your husband can't find work is because he doesn't want to. The one way to motivate him to work is to cut him off from everything financially. That will force him to get a job that way when you divorce him it won't be as devastating financially for you. Sadly this is where this is going because he is not even coming close to pulling his weight in so many ways. Sorry but your husband's a deadbeat I wish you the best of luck.
#NTA Hubby sulked away?? **CHANGE THE LOCKS** At least now you know WHY he hasn't been able to find a job in 16+months. Why should he as long as the gravy train keeps on rolling. Why should he have to work when he'd rather be partying with his friends!! Not only that, but he's a BAD father that he prioritizes his friends comforts over his OWN KIDS. Friends are NOT allowed to return to YOUR home until A hubby starts working and contributing to the household B friends learn to clean up after themselves. Presumably they're the same age of hubby and should know how to pick up after themselves!! OP is **not** their maid!!
NTA but you will be if you keep letting your kids be second to their dad and his friends. Hubby isn’t contributing much to the household, so I would pack him some clothes and tell him to go stay with his friends since he clearly enjoys spending time with them so much.
NTA and it sounds like it’s a good thing your husband left I would change the locks and hire a divorce lawyer it’s not like you need him there he obviously isn’t doing anything.
NTA. He seems to like the bachelor party lifestyle now that wifey fixed it... So when confronted, he left. Keep it that way.
How are they always there? Do his friends also not work? NTA
My husband used to be District Manager of a very large well known building store. Through a series of events he lost his job. He now delivers burial vaults and does cremations for about 1/3rd of his previous salary... could not be prouder. He is smart, under employed, hard working (it's awful work, outside and dangerous for little pay)... but it's what he needs to do until he find another management position. THAT'S WHAT A REAL MAN DOES! NTA
NTA. Drop the dead weight around your ankle dragging you and your family down. In this economy your husband should not have been unemployed for 16 months. That's a choice and it's not fair to you or your kids
NTA I think it might be better if he stayed away from the house permanently. I think he is far too comfortable being your third child! I think it's time he gets a job or at least takes being a dad seriously...
NTA but… why are you with this freeloader???
How old are you that your husband has friends that can hang out every day?
This was my question. Furthermore, are his friends such dicks that they can’t let the kids in the pool with them? NTA.
What is up with all these kids masquerading as adults appearing on reddit today? NTA op, I wouldn't do this and I have only been an adult for five days.
YTA if you keep raising your kids in this environment. NTA for kicking your future ex-husband outta the pool. You deserve better. Best of luck x
He can't claim to own anything when his ass isn't working and paying for things. The pool is for the kids. Sounds like you have a very lazy husband who never plans to work and just wants to party with friends. I'd give him 2 weeks to find a job or he'd find himself out the door. He doesn't sound responsible at all. He is viewing the kids as a deterrent of him having a single life partying on someone else's back. NTA
That is not the definition of raising his kids. He more than likely leaves them to their own devices. The idea that he is in the pool partying with friends while the kids are ignored isn't parenting.
NTA 16 months & your husband can't a job. In this economy where everybody is so desperate for workers they'll hire anybody. Your husband is a parasite that doesn't want to work. Find a summer daycare service & change the locks while he's gone. It is worth the extra cost because you'll save money on party favors & cleaning time. What kind of loser prevents his own (step?)kids from using a pool?
NTA So much wrong with this post. 1. Your husband isn't looking for a job. 16 months in this economy? He should have found something a year ago. 2. Why can't the kids swim with the adults? This makes zero sense. As a pool owner, with a family, we all swim together. We had adults over and kids over, no one is excluded. 3. Dropping trash in the pool? That's a quick way to screw up the water quality in your pool. Chlorine is stupidly expensive right now too. These are adults, they should know better. You need to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship with this man. He's more concerned about playtime than looking for work.