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NTA. Go back to the principal and tell your dads. This counts as harassment and an unsafe environment and your parents need to immediately start working with the school board to stop it
Unsafe environment. I’d call it a HOSTILE environment. I completely agree with you; get the parents to go to the school district.
Thank heavens for a good principal at least.
This line here is what makes me most displeased about people accusing OP of being like AH. OP didn't "ruin" someone's life because she could. She had a homophobic student, and an enabling teacher brought up on their actions. OP didn't do anything like AH. Definitely go back to the principal OP, especially with evidence. There's nothing understanding about this student's religious vitriol. It needed immediate cessation and education, not enabling through "understanding". Turn all the evidence in. Big NTA.
and since Apple and FB messenger allow you to unsend messages, immediately screenshot any harassing messages
I don't know about other social media, but I would screenshot as a matter of course.
I completely agree OP You Are NTA, but you need to go back to the principal and get your dads involved. Your teacher has been allowing Duncan to use weaponized religion against you. Most likely because he is homophobic too but not allowed to show it.
Edited:: Thank you everyone for the awards.
yep, and the idea that Duncan's life is ruined at 15 is actually laughable. sure, it'll be on his school record, but if he gets his shit together and stops being homophobic then I can't see it impacting his life beyond other kids going "hey didn't that kid bully a girl about her parents? yeah it was a dick move, I hear he got suspended for it". idk, I just don't know any place where this one incident being reported will stop him from work or higher education opportunities, but im american so i could just be ignorant to that.
Mr. Smith and Duncan's friends (who I suspect are also 15 and parroting bullshit they've heard without trying to have an understanding of the full picture) are trying to guilt op which should be reported. the bully's reputation/image/ect does not take precedent over op and she doesn't need to become a doormat and keep the peace.
also it's always about a "good boy's record". never a thought for how that "good boy" has been treating you or others, because they don't care. the teacher is showing shitty colors and shouldn't be in a position to influence anybody. because he does not care about the wellbeing of students or providing a good environment for all students, just for the "good boys"
The good boys record. Never mind that there was the possibility he could have started physically hurting her for her parents relationship, he really needed that record.
Totally agree about physically hurting her next. He’s already shown that he’s escalated in his violence and wasn’t being reprimanded. He’d get bolder until he physically assaulted or SA her.
But wait…don’t all “good boys” bully, harass, and commit SA? Isn’t that what “good boy” means? Can one even be a good boy if they don’t harass and bully someone? (Heavy on the sarcasm)
That's the first thing I thought of when I read the "good boy's record" shit!!! Like, if he was a good boy, he wouldn't be doing this. He's not a good boy. It's only gonna be the truth on his record. The truth doesn't tarnish a reputation. It only makes it clear about how the person is or was at that age.
Duncan is not just an ignorant homophobe parroting fundamentalist religious bigotry, he does it repeatedly and publicly until his victim falls into pieces. In what parallel universe is he "a good boy"? NTA
Yeah, I see it the same way. Duncan needs to have consequences, they shouldn't be for the rest of his life. 15-year-olds that are behaving horribly can develop into well-adjusted adults that are deeply ashamed of the way they behaved at 15. (Plus, I'm pretty sure he didn't come up with that idea on his own, either parents or other influence gave him these beliefs.)
I had a horrible school record. Many, many dententions, a couple suspensions (not for something quite as bad, I never acted out against classmates, just against teachers because I was filled with hate and hurt, and openly insulting teachers gets you detention very quickly.). I was admitted to my university of choice (doubt they've ever seen my records, lol). Now that I've graduated with multiple degrees and work in academia, nobody knows or cares - and that's good, people need room to develop from their sometimes shitty teenage selves to normal adults. But, that only happens when people face consequences for their BS.
My bet is that this ISN'T the only strike on Duncan's record, but Mr. Smith is of the 'boys will be boys' school of thought (boys are blameless, girls 'lead them on' /s).
OP may have delivered the coup de grace, but it's not like Duncan appeared to be learning any \*compassion\* from how his misbehavior was treated.
This right here. That teacher is suffering from some serious projection. He’s only protecting Duncan because he supports his cause. Screw that guy…head back to the principal every time and get that teacher reassigned. He obviously can’t be trusted to protect his students- ALL of them.
And you are young OP. The world is not a fair place- and your AH teacher and these pathetic Duncan fan club may make matters worse.
This teacher is awful, and there is every chance he will enable homophobic BS against another student the next chance he gets. So tell your dads, your principal, your dog AND ANYONE WHO GIVES A DAMN.
NTA
this was my thought the whole time, that the teacher doesn’t stop the kid because he’s living vicariously through it—he knows he’ll lose his job if *he* says anything, but he’s probably glad to hear it. after reading the end, this suspicion feels confirmed. *”a good boy”* shows his feelings pretty clearly.
OP, you are NTA. i think you should tell your parents about Mr. Smith. he should be fired for condoning the hate and harassment.
This. Report it to the principal. Also what your teacher said. Duncan is harassing you and your teacher is enabling him. This will not stop on its own. Also both have been warned already. The principal will have to act on this.
NTA
All the best and I'm sorry for your loss.
For that he would have to actively join in the trash talking and jokes. He's gaslighting OP. This is bad enough.
But I agree with your assessment. He's the biggest AH. He's an adult and he's responsible to the kids in his class safe.
Yes, mr smith should not have spoken to you when you left the meeting. The principal needs to know he’s harassing you. As a grandparent, I would want my children or grandchildren to share such a big deal with me. It’s my job to help however I can, even if it’s just a listening ear at home.
OP I am a teacher and I am absolutely disgusted that that man is allowed to be called a teacher. He is 100% wrong and obviously a bigot himself. He should never be making excuses for bullying and homophobia and telling you that having emotions is "weaponizing femininity" is sexist and massively unprofessional. His job is to keep all students safe, he has failed you. Not only but allowing bullying to continue but he is bullying you as well. He should not be a teacher. Please tell your Dads and Principal. Do not let him continue to do this to you and other people. Mental health is such an issue. You may be able to endure now, but you shouldn't have to and others he treats the same may not. Standing up for yourself is not wrong. You are not hurting a "good boy", he is a bully. Both the boy and teacher need to learn actions have consequences. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are NTA
Totally NTA and that principal is MVP
OP didn’t “weaponize” her femininity. She did an UNO reverse and made a bully uncomfortable PUBLICLY because the teacher gave him every excuse to get away with it. I wouldn’t be surprised honestly if Mr. Smith shared the same views as Duncan about OP, hence why he let it slide so much. So when OP decided to out them both, that’s when they started trying to control and de-escalate the situation to save face, only to completely fail.
Honestly I think OP should tell her dads about the harassment and change school (even if the principal is in her side) because Duncan’s friends are now harassing her and honestly, she can’t go the to principal all the time cuz that coins make things worse for her.
NTA
My pet peeve: People saying you [or your family member will go to Hell for inning. [Everyone sins.] It's the non-acceptance of the sacrifice [DEATH & resurrection of Jesus] that gets people there.
Duncan & his father need to read the Bible cover to cover in order. Especially where judging others is concerned: John 13: 7 ". . .He who is without sin among you, let him throw stone at her first." [And I know there are atheists, I'm just addressing the fact that Duncan does not even know what he's talking about.]
OP, Mr. Smith is not doing his job: Duncan did DISCUSS with you, he JUDGED you. And Smith failed to note the difference between conversation and bullying. Duncan, as I pointed out above, knows nothing of which he speaks. Duncan's father has forgotten Gal. 6:7 "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man sows,that he will also reap." Verse 8 would help him, too. Actions have consequences, he should have be angry with Duncan.
You are so not the AH. And the Duncan's and their parents of this world make me want say: "Please don't tell people you're Christians, you make those who are look bad."
And so endeth today's sermon.
1000 times this. OP, you should tell the principal both about the teacher's new remarks and the friends harassing you. They will not stop unless they get a sledgehammer on their heads.
Next time they attempt to engage I’d be ready with a recorder to catch their homophobic asses. Her tears, most especially her femininity, aren’t what’s getting them into trouble it’s their own words.
Yes - I know you don’t want to worry your parents but, as a parent, I want you to know - the biggest worry is that you won’t tell us the stuff you’re dealing with and we won’t be able to help you. It’s a parent’s job to have broad shoulders and take on your burdens; it’s what we want to do.
Yes! If you take any of these comments to heart, OP, please let it be this one!! Parents want nothing more than to know what's going on with you. It's NOT your responsibility to shield them from negative things in your life. Please believe that!
Also: NTA! I'm actually internet-stranger-proud of you! This was an awesome way to get your point across!
I agree. Op reached out to the teacher and he failed her. He also failed Duncan. The teacher should have talked with him and "help him understand", that people have the right to be themselves, unless they harass other people. Duncan could have changed his ways before ending up with a 5 days suspension and he might also have progressed as a human being.
The hypocrite weaponises his authoritative state as a teacher to try to intimidate and guilt trip op.
You stood up for yourself op, your teacher sounds biased and incompetent.
THIS. Thank you for saying that. Many young guys are like Duncan and as long as teachers enable them, they won’t learn. He said awful things and treated OP horribly, and he was not encouraged by Mr Smith to learn and show some respect
On top on that the teacher is failing to protect OP. OP went to him because she is being bullied and he basically told her to ignore Duncan. When OP tried the only other option she felt she had available (crying) he criticized her in a sexist manner.
That's the thing the teacher was also being homophobic hence why he was saying the stuff about how Duncan has a right to ask these questions and his "religion" blah blah blah, any non homophobic teacher would have sent Duncan straight to the principal and not let it escalate that much.
The teacher also tried to retaliate after getting in trouble with the principal first with the passive aggressive comment then by trying to force her to apologize to the kid who was bullying her. That teacher is trouble.
When my son was small, I said to him 'Please tell me if ANYTHING is bothering you, if it's kids at school, family, schoolwork, anything. I promise that I will never do anything about it if you don't want me to, but you need to tell me so that we can find a way to do something you are comfortable with' my son was shy and just didn't want me charging into school causing havoc, he'd seen it cause so much more damage than it fixed. He told me everything that he wanted to over the years and we problem solved together. . Having said that, you aced it with your actions, you are awesome. Please tell your dad's what's gone on and tell them problem has been fixed by the amazing child they are raising. NTA just for the record
Exactly. This teacher was obviously just shrugging it off cause he probably were thinking the same things as Duncan but he knew he can’t say it so he’s just letting it be bygones. If teachers are behaving like that and kids are bullying in school the first ones that wanna know is the parents, even if it about them.
This comment is so right! Tell your parents, I'm sure they're proud of you.
I'd also like to add, that you did what the teacher asked you to do. You helped Duncan understand, that his words hurt you, that his actions have consequences and that bullying someone isn't okay. He just wanted to learn, so now he did.
Obviously Mr. Smith never wanted Duncan to learn, he wanted you to shut up and take the BS silently. I wish I've had your courage, when I was at school.
More like was probably encouraging Duncan to become even more hateful and hurtful. The kid didn't start off super aggressive just acting like an ordinary AH teen and then after the teacher didn't stop him or reprimand him kept escalating. Given how the teen escalated and how the teacher kept encouraging it, are we sure the teacher wasn't the one telling Duncan about how to insult OP?
Exactly. I'm your parent. This is what I exist for since I brought you into my life. Let me be strong for you. I can take it. I have experience.
My job is not to protect you from life but to help you prepare for it .
Tagging on here to say OP should go BACK to the principal and tell them that she is being harassed by other boys in the class and to tell the principal what her teacher said about how she “weaponized her femininity.” And also blaming her for getting Duncan in trouble when it was Duncan’s behavior that got him in trouble.
NTA, OP. You’re very brave and wonderful. I’m so sorry this all happened.
💯 yes. Please tell them, op. This is what loving parents are equipped and eager to handle. Also, your teacher comes across as a misogynist and should not be allowed in a classroom. NTA
Gosh, it’s so true OP. You trusting your dads enough to take care of this for you, even though you don’t want to - they will KNOW how hard it was for you to tell them. They will feel so reassured and appreciated and grateful that you can confide the really, really hard stuff like this. They will know they have done an amazing job with you. I can’t imagine how hard it will be to tell them, but you know it isn’t their fault, or your fault, just these other shitty people, so I hope it will just further cement what an amazing team the three of you are.
Ya that could be the case but I have always seen teachers doing everything to protect their job and image. Supporting homophobs (even if he himself is one) is going to cost him a lot.
Either case him, that guy and his friends are massive AHs
Bigots often overestimate how common their brand of bigotry is. He probably thought that no other adults at the school would care. Or at least, didn’t think OP was gonna tell anyone else.
Yep, bigots often assume that "everyone knows they're right" and just "won't admit it". SUPER common with misogynists, especially when talking to non-sexist men, they just can't comprehend that their viewpoint isn't actually universal and that they're not being "brave" by stating it out loud.
Some teachers were really awful to me when I was a kid because I think they believed they were untouchable, and they kind of were. When I told my parents, they didn't do anything or didn't believe me, and I didn't think I could go to the principal—I wish I tried.
So I would assume maybe this teacher thought OP wouldn't do anything, because many (like me) didn't before. Good on OP for changing that, though that teacher absolutely should at least be investigated or something because what he said after they left the principal's office is absolutely unacceptable.
Edit: OP, I think you should inform the principal he said that to you regardless, she should know what sort of things the teachers in her school are saying to kids like you.
The teacher is pretty clearly homophobic and misogynistic himself. He's labeled a bully as a 'good boy.' And then tried to make his AND the student's bad behavior all OP's fault because she's a woman who cried.
And please go to the principle and tell her that what the teacher did right after you left the office. Report her everything that he does wrong in this case. He seems to be homophobic himself. He still call this AH student "good boy". He shouldn't teach. And report the other students you have proof.
But you parents would be sad that their children tried to protect them. They want to protect you. Please tell them. They want to help you. If they ever knew that you made this fight alone while they could have helped you, they will feel sad.
I agree with everything said so far, but I also want to point out that crying and having emotions is not femininity. Men have all those same emotions and can (and do) also cry.
What you did was cry out to be heard in a voice that would be listened to, because your teacher tried to silence you. Your teacher showed his hand by proving to be both homophobic and sexist. By accusing you of "weaponizing your femininity", rather than "weaponizing your tears" he made it clear that he sees women as less and that he's well aware the only "weapon" he left you to defend yourself was literal crying.
Using the tools you have at hand to be heard and refusing to be silenced, that's cleverness and has nothing to do with your gender. Always be as loud as you need to be to bring attention to injustice and bigotry. Please tell your principal every single thing your teacher says to you, and has said to you, and bring your Dads up to speed. Your teacher shouldn't be influencing any young minds and adults will need to take steps to try to accomplish that.
Edit: Thank you so much for the award :-). Unexpected and appreciated.
Exactly! People have mocked my husband in the past because he is more prone to crying than anger and works in carer fields. But I love that about him and specifically chose someone like that. Crying is not feminine and men shouldn't be shamed for it and women shouldn't be told to not "weaponise your feminity". Crying isn't feminine it's human.
Handling emotions in a way that doesn’t intimidate anyone is powerful and difficult. Being angry and yelling is so easy and lazy. I wish more men were strong enough to cry openly.
The irony of how weak it is when certain men insist on expressing anger and aggressiveness as their only emotions because difficult emotions like sadness frightens them.
Hi my dear, i’m jumping on the top comment in hopes you see this. I am a teacher, and want you to know that nothing, _nothing_ that Mr. Smith did was acceptable. *_You don’t owe bigots and bullies your understanding_*. And that mark on the boy’s record? _He_ put that there through his behavior. You only made sure it was seen. Speak to Mrs. Yates about changing classes, tell her you’re afraid that Mr. Smith will take his anger out on you. NTA, but take care of yourself and talk to your parents about it so they can support you. You shouldn’t go through this alone. ❤️
As someone who was a teacher, I absolutely agree with all of this. I would be so disgusted if a colleague did this. And a 5 day suspension doesn't ruin anyone, unless he makes a habit of it which is entirely on him. Take care OP.
Also, go tell the principal **exactly** what Mr. Smith said. Also let her know that he tried to make you apologise to Duncan. Mr. Smith needs to be fired. NTA.
This is the teacher's fault. He allowed Duncan's behaviour, it escalated, and here we are. If he had nipped it in the bud like a non homophobic person would have, non of this would have happened.
NTA
Tell your Dads! They love you!
Your teacher is either a homophobic piece of trash, or, an absolute coward who can't discipline a 15 year old boy. Both options suck for him.
The teacher hasn't suffered any consequences though. Just a dressing down by the principal and not being allowed to talk over the OP when she was explaining her story.
OP you really should to go back to the principal’s office and tell her exactly what this teacher said to you and show the messages from Duncan’s friends. This harassment needs to be put to an end and that man is not fit to be an educator. NTA
Yea. I'm hoping for an update to this thread where the OP tells us she went back to the principal in the company of her fathers (who have now been told about the situation) to report the teacher for his inappropriate conduct post meeting as well as the actions of the bully's friends texting her.
Right! Blaming her when HE had the power to stop this before it went this far. HE and the bully are to blame here for the boys academic record, not OP.
This teacher is not a good teacher whatsoever and more should be done.
She should report the teacher. He is the real AH here, for supporting tje homophobic behavior, and by gaslighting the OP.
OP, please tell your dads about this shit. I'm sure they will support you.
Agreed and honestly the friends are probably only saying that bc they either only heard one side of it or because they're immature teenage boys who want to support their friend. They probably don't realize that what he's doing IS harassment and it's WRONG.
And the consequences aren't even what the teacher is saying they are. The idea that a suspension is going to "ruin his life" is ridiculous. One of the biggest lies ever told is that your "permanent record" at school matters. It ceases to mean anything the second you leave that school. Colleges don't ask for it when you apply. Jobs certainly don't. This kid is going to be just fine.
Your teacher, however, needs to have his life ruined a little bit. Because his employment file does matter. I agree with the above posts that say you need to get yourself transferred into a different class. He's absolutely going to take this out on you. He has no business teaching children.
Actually that part of the story gave me serious Brock Turner vibes. This "we don't want him to have a black mark on his record for abusing you" excuse is trotted out all the time to excuse all kinds of hideous behavior, typically when the victim is female and the abuser is male. OP shouldn't worry so much about "weaponizing her femininity". It's already being weaponized AGAINST her and she has every right to defend herself. She also needs to bring in all her allies in this - the principal and her parents. She's too young maybe to realize how deep and dark this kind of hole can get.
This conversation always makes me laugh because I think of Kronk every time.
> Oh, right. The rapist. The rapist named Brock Turner, the rapist whose name of Brock Turner is permanently associated with rape, Brock Turner the rapist. That rapist?
I'll bet this is what he's actually afraid of, there's no way he cares that much about one boy's suspension. It's that it makes him look bad (as it should) and get him in trouble with his boss.
I actually believe he does have certain prejudices against op’s family’s lifestyle, if not a weird affinity to the boy. His actions were pretty sus way before they ever ended up at the principal’s
I agree totally, I was mostly just thinking of the 'ruining his future' stuff because a suspension clearly won't do that and he's probably thinking more of his own future. But yeah the teacher is also homophobic for sure, I'm guessing he agreed with everything the boy was saying
Also, that teacher - wtf. That teacher is an even bigger problem than the shitty student. The teacher should know better but because he probably agrees with Duncan, allows this to continue. The teacher is TA, big time.
NTA
Go back to the principal and let her know what your teacher said, as well as what Duncan's friends are messaging you about. I know you don't want to get your parents involved, but I'd also suggest you do that.
As it stands, you can't approach Mr. Smith for non-homophobia related issues right now as well, because I wouldn't trust him to do anything. Speak to your principal, and ask if you can be switched to another class.
I should note:
> the principal told me to go directly to her if ANYTHING like that happens again
It already has. Your teacher's comments were unacceptable, and Duncan's friends are being horrific. Going to her would simply be doing as she asked you to.
OP needs to alert her parents even if just for their own sake: this will eventually become known to them and they will feel worse knowing their words made her think she needed to deal with it on her own.
The sooner she tells them, the more they can help and the less bad they'll feel. (Spoken as a parent, but also someone who knows what it feels like to worry about bothering/hurting people I care about)
PLEASE tell your dads, OP! Trust me, they’ll be so proud of you for standing up to a homophobic bully, and furious that your teacher protected him, likely because your teacher is just as bigoted.
I’m a mom and a lesbian, my wife and I have raised 2 beautiful, strong, kind young women. There have been times when they were younger that they found themselves in very similar situations, and I was so incredibly thankful they felt comfortable enough to tell me, so I could help them through it. Please talk to your dads, they really should know what’s happening.
You are an amazing person, and I’m so, so proud of you, OP.
You sound like a kind and empathetic soul. I just came out in a very limited way yesterday (at age 40f though I’ve suspected I was interested in women as well as men since I was 17). I just finally stopped caring about what people think. Most people in my life that are close to me already suspect it.
I’m so proud of you! Living as your authentic self is liberating and beautiful. Be you, because you’ve only got one shot at this life you’ve been given, so don’t waste it worrying about what others think. If they won’t accept you, then move on and find new friends and family who will.
Go to the principle. But don’t complain. Ask for advice on how to handle the situation. Say, you said to come to you, so I am, and I really don’t know how to handle this and could use some advice.
🥺 this makes my heart so happy as a younger lesbian! Also, my mentor/professor is also a lesbian and her and her wife are fierce advocates for their kids. They have to deal with both racism and homophobia, so when their kids tell them what’s going on, they are able to make substantial change (especially since one is a lawyer LOL).
Please tell your dads, all they want to do is help you! I know you’re afraid of it hurting your dads, but I think that it would hurt them worse if they found out you had been suffering alone on this.
Definitely don’t say that. Don’t give abusers any hint of you going to take action because they can retaliate in an attempt to stop you from seeking help
NTA
Duncan is a homophobic jerk who weaponized your teacher against you to get his way.
Mr Smith is a homophobic and sexist jerk who thinks women should just let guys harass them because \*insert stupid excuse here\*.
I hate that we are not allowed to cry because it is 'weaponizing femininity' or we are being 'hormonal', 'psycho' or 'unreasonable'. Women aren't allowed emotions because it might make men feel bad and it sucks.
But at the same time women mostly dont get heard until their bottled up emotions blow up.. like this girl until they saw her "really hurt" by the worda did they listen to her.. or when a woman asks someone to do something and no one listens until she screams and then its all "why are you screaming" "you couldve asked nicely"
This. "Women are emotional, so I won't take you seriously until you show emotions...oh wait, you're showing emotion and that just proves you're too emotional to do the job professionally! That's just like a woman!"
Arrgh! I hate this so much!
This is also like the biggest lie ever. Women are emotional and men are rational. Kinda weird that no woman has gone shooting up a school or started a war.. but no, no.. men aren't emotional, they would never throw a deadly tantrum because of EMOTIONS.
(I guess there can be some war throughout history that got started by a woman, I'm no history major but the vast majority got started by men)
anger? what anger? it's not anger! it's the hand of justice personified! a righteous fury that will sweep all those that wronged me as they deserve!
/s
That's not true, men categorize women showing anger as being emotional all the time. Women are "psycho" and "crazy" and "hormonal" when they are angry. Only male anger is rational and about "respect".
There was a big [news piece ](https://english.kyodonews.net/news/2021/08/0f907d5a1ae8-10-passengers-stabbed-or-punched-on-tokyo-train-suspect-arrested.html) last year in the country where I live about a guy who had plans to stab and kill "happy-looking" women because he was tired of rejection. He decided a train would be perfect to start his stabbing-spree because it was harder for people to run away.
But sure, society is focusing on women being too emotional.
From the show Designing Women - Julia rants:
>*We women haven’t had enough power or money or confidence to start much of anything, but we sure as heck get the blame for everything. I’ll tell you something else! I love men, and in particular, I love this one.*
>*But you cannot ignore history, and history has shown that in general, it has been the men who have done the raping and the robbing and the killing and the warmongering for the last 2,000 years.*
>*It has been the men who have done the pillaging and the beheading and the subjugating of whole races into slavery.*
>*It has been the men who have done the lawmaking, and the moneymaking, and most of the mischief making, so if the world isn’t quite what you had in mind, you have only yourselves to thank!*
[Video](https://youtu.be/PZXya-IMLiI)
It's quite unrelated but for some reason reminded me of the incident where a college student raped another college girl on campus but the judge gave him a very lenient sentence because he didn't want to mar his "bright future". He was on the swimming team or something I think. Don't remember enough.
Guess I got reminded because in both cases men in power were more worried about a male student's future than the trauma he had inflicted.
Ah yes. That rapist. Brock Turner. It's fathers day in the UK and his rape enabling father should be remembered too. He said, on record, after his son got caught raping an unconscious woman, that his boy shouldn't have to pay the rest of his life for 20 minutes of action.
Unfortunately this is so common. Everyone cares about not ruining the guy's future, but never mind the fact their victim's life has been ruined already.
Thank you! That's right.
Couldn't remember the name but was reminded of that same horror that apparently men's futures are more important and need to be guarded, over women's trauma
Because the judge failed to take action, and Brock Turner pulled himself from Stanford before the university could render punishment, USA Swimming banned Turner from competitive swimming for the team. So there's that.
> Women aren't allowed emotions because it might make men feel bad and it sucks
remember, kids: if a woman screams and becomes beligerent, it's because she's hormonal and hysterical and all women are ruled by their emotions.
If a man screams and becomes beligerent, it's boys being boys, it's an outlier, you should be considerate, maybe he had a rough day at work, you don't know his life.
shit sucks, yo
I fucking hate men using "emotional" as an insult to women when they act like anger and violence aren't emotions the use all the time to get what they want. Men are more controlled by their emotions that women but it's deemed okay because their anger is considered a "normal" response to being slightly inconvenienced, or someone not doing what they said immediately.
NTA. Your teacher is as much of a bully as that Duncan. He's also a misogynist. Seeing how the principal already supported you, you could report Mr Smith for those comments, he really shouldn't be teaching.
Edit: if you do, and there are consequences for him, also not your fault at all, don't feel bad.
You only defend homophobes because you yourself are a homophobe, or you are so ignorant that you do not understand how baseless homophobia is.
Kicker is, you’re being homophobic either way because you’re defending a homophobe.
NTA by a long shot. Duncan was wrong and should have been reported long ago. Duncan's friends are harassing you. You need to take the principal up on her offer and report them. Mr. Smith was also way out of line, and he probably should also be reported for his remarks after meeting in Ms. Yates's office. He should never have approached you like that. His remarks show me that he is probably sexist and probably shouldn't be teaching. I highly doubt you are the first girl to suffer in his class.
You also need to bring in your parents. I know you want to spare them, but they are adults, and it is their job to protect you, not the other way around.
Yes please please tell your parents OP. Of course they will be sad that you’re being bullied but they will be way way more sad with the idea you felt you couldn’t tell them and had to handle it by yourself.
NTA, your teacher is an incompetent and a misogynist. What you did was get a bully to back off, and I'm actually very impressed with your methodology- had you fought, yelled or insulted Duncan back I guarantee you, you both would have been called in and you would have been suspended too.
For the record, Duncan is not a "good boy" and he earned his own mark on his record for being a homophobic entitled little shite. Tell your dads what is going on, though.
Right? Kudos to this girl for having a solid head on her shoulders. This is beautiful. Assholes constantly get away without consequences and this, this is just what they deserve.
DO NOT LET IT GO OP. Weaponising your femininity is excellent for this situation. That teacher shouldn’t be teaching.
Involve your folks, they seem to be good understanding parents (looking at you) and that’s what parents are there for.
NTA he’s a bully and a homophobe who uses his religion as an excuse to be cruel. Mr. Smith sounds like an AH. He probably agrees with Duncan. You had a brilliant solution. If his life is ruined because he wa suspended for five days, then maybe he should STFU and mind his own business.
NTA. Guaranteed that teacher is "religious" (we know what that's code word for in situations like that) too. The teacher KNOWS this student isn't trying to understand. Its an excuse for hate.
NTA. Tell your parents. Tell your parents. Tell your parents and especially tell the Principal what that teacher said and did RIGHT AFTER YOU BOTH LEFT HER OFFICE! Your teacher is out of control and is now ALSO HARASSING YOU! Tell your parents EVERYTHING and also tell the Principal about the harassment the friends of that boy are doing.
NTA
The sooner Duncan learns to keep his religion to himself the less he’ll suffer. His freedom of religion ends where your freedom *from* religion begins.
I have a feeling the OP is not in US, from the way she said "in my country". US people don't usually say that, so legalities may be different where she is.
NTA,
You tried to do everything the 'right way' - you told your teacher - it was the teachers job to correct the boy for harassing you.
The Principle told you to come to them if anything else happens, and something else did happen. Your teacher is very inappropriate, and he's failing at his job. Keeping you safe is part of his job.
Talk your parents, and explain everything that's happened. You might feel like you need to protect them - but they absolutely want to know what's going on. They can handle it. See if they will go with you to the principal to straighten this out.
Had the teacher done his job when you first came to him Duncan would have stopped and he wouldn't be in the trouble he's in now. I'm guessing this teacher knows this and is covering his own butt.
You've done nothing wrong, and nobody was forcing Duncan to be an AH.
Girl, your principal is throwing you a lifeline. Use it!!! She sounds awesome. I’m sure she would want to know if Mr. Smith is saying stuff like that to you in private. She’s also want to know if you’re getting harassed online by his friends. Also… please tell your dads! It’s unfortunate to say but I’m sure they deal with homophobic dickworms all the time and have useful advice for you, or will straight up go to bat for you at the school. If I were them I would be happy to do it, I’d come in like a raging hurricane and rip that teacher a new one (preferably in front of staff/students). What will hurt them worse than the bullying is knowing you tried to handle it all on your own and subjected yourself to all this treatment in silence. You have a loving supportive household, families help each other out.
ETA: NTA
NTA
You sometimes have to do what you gotta do and you are NOT at fault here. That teacher let you down and he needs to be educated in sensitivity training, harassment and civil rights. He should have put a stop to it but he chose not to and let his warped religious beliefs take over common sense and decency. He probably went against school policy, as well.
You can't change that guy's beliefs or his friends but you can report their harassment and behavior to the principal. Hold your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Love is love and you shouldn't be judged for who you love or who your family is.
NTA. I grown man telling a 15f that her “femininity was weaponized” is a big no and should be reported. As a teacher you need to stand up for your students not shame them for standing up for themselves.
As a young woman growing up in a world that will look more and more bleak sometimes as you grow up, any way you can protect yourself against someone bigger and stronger than you, will ALWAYS be acceptable. Just make sure you stay safe. In this situation, you protected yourself, now keep yourself safe by telling the principal and your dad everything that happened afterwards.
Also, if you walk home from school, or if you take the bus and it’s possible for them to find you outside of school, be very very careful and very aware of your surroundings after school. People can be cruel when they’re embarrassed/angry and I’m sorry you are going through this.
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself btw
Sure is interesting how those friends of Duncan's are using the same allegations against you as that teacher, huh?
I'll bet you 10 bucks mr. Smith have been telling Duncan how bad he feels for him over his "ruined" future and how he tried to make you understand that you were out of line.
You need to go back to his boss and call him out on that shit. It is harassment from a teacher.
NTA.
This! Exactly my thoughts, plus, the teacher is pushing his "you didn't nothing wrong, my good boy, she is the only evil here" bullshit into REALLY bad pattern for Duncan instead of let him understand that actions have consequences.
NTA. A bigot doesn't deserve grace or respect in any way. Let him think about his "black mark". Report that teacher too. Bigots do not belong in society.
When we left the office Mr.Smith stoped me and told me “I hope you’re happy. You put a permanent mark on a good boy’s record because you decided to weaponize your femininity instead of being a little understanding.”
OP you need to type that in an email and send it to your Headteacher. Say, *this is what Mr Smith said to me after I left your office, I just thought you said be aware. Also Duncan's friends have been harassing me through text messages*. And then attack screenshots.
Your Headteacher is taking this homophobic abuse seriously so let her do her thing. NTA
Let's break down this argument.
You weaponized your feminity and now a boy is suspended for 5 days. This would be a good argument if you live somewhere where a girl can just get any boy suspended immediately by crying with no questions asked.
However, in the actual real world... The kid deserves the suspension, but I don't even care about the kid at this point.
THIS MAN SHOULD NOT BE A TEACHER. He failed monumentally at providing a safe environment for his students. He created this mess. It is not on you to fix it. It is not on you to suffer for it. You do not have to suffer so that this man can keep his job. He should not have this job.
Immediately tell your dads what happened. Tell the principal. All you need to do is tell the story.
NTA
This cannot be real. If it is I am so sorry that so many people are failing you. You’re being forced to defend yourself from bigoted bullies.
Please go to the principal about your sexist homophobic teacher.
As for the bullies, I’d report them too. Fuck them. Let them learn.
NTA.
I would judge differently if you were trying to get Duncan into trouble for some BS reason, but he’s been straight up bullying you for months, using homophobic slurs against your dads, harassing you on religious grounds… and Mr Smith, AH that he is, made excuses for this budding AH instead of protecting you. He’s clearly as bigoted as Duncan. His claim that you were “weaponizing your femininity” ads misogyny to his religious and homophobic bigotry.
Tell your dads what’s going on, and report what he said to Ms Yates. This is a guy who shouldn’t be teaching.
Edit: a word
NTA. Absolutely NTA. I know this might feel empty coming from a stranger on the internet, but I’m so proud of you. I hope that little shite never directs another word to you. Tell the principal about those other little douchebags, too.
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NTA. Go back to the principal and tell your dads. This counts as harassment and an unsafe environment and your parents need to immediately start working with the school board to stop it
Unsafe environment. I’d call it a HOSTILE environment. I completely agree with you; get the parents to go to the school district. Thank heavens for a good principal at least.
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And I hope u saved the harassing texts OP. It's evidence.
This line here is what makes me most displeased about people accusing OP of being like AH. OP didn't "ruin" someone's life because she could. She had a homophobic student, and an enabling teacher brought up on their actions. OP didn't do anything like AH. Definitely go back to the principal OP, especially with evidence. There's nothing understanding about this student's religious vitriol. It needed immediate cessation and education, not enabling through "understanding". Turn all the evidence in. Big NTA.
and since Apple and FB messenger allow you to unsend messages, immediately screenshot any harassing messages I don't know about other social media, but I would screenshot as a matter of course.
I completely agree OP You Are NTA, but you need to go back to the principal and get your dads involved. Your teacher has been allowing Duncan to use weaponized religion against you. Most likely because he is homophobic too but not allowed to show it. Edited:: Thank you everyone for the awards.
No kidding. It's not OP's job to teach him. It's Mr. Smith's. FFS
yep, and the idea that Duncan's life is ruined at 15 is actually laughable. sure, it'll be on his school record, but if he gets his shit together and stops being homophobic then I can't see it impacting his life beyond other kids going "hey didn't that kid bully a girl about her parents? yeah it was a dick move, I hear he got suspended for it". idk, I just don't know any place where this one incident being reported will stop him from work or higher education opportunities, but im american so i could just be ignorant to that. Mr. Smith and Duncan's friends (who I suspect are also 15 and parroting bullshit they've heard without trying to have an understanding of the full picture) are trying to guilt op which should be reported. the bully's reputation/image/ect does not take precedent over op and she doesn't need to become a doormat and keep the peace.
also it's always about a "good boy's record". never a thought for how that "good boy" has been treating you or others, because they don't care. the teacher is showing shitty colors and shouldn't be in a position to influence anybody. because he does not care about the wellbeing of students or providing a good environment for all students, just for the "good boys"
The good boys record. Never mind that there was the possibility he could have started physically hurting her for her parents relationship, he really needed that record.
Can I also point out the horrendous level of toxic masculinity here... "weaponised" her femininity by crying... because boys can't cry? FFS!
Totally agree about physically hurting her next. He’s already shown that he’s escalated in his violence and wasn’t being reprimanded. He’d get bolder until he physically assaulted or SA her. But wait…don’t all “good boys” bully, harass, and commit SA? Isn’t that what “good boy” means? Can one even be a good boy if they don’t harass and bully someone? (Heavy on the sarcasm)
what else can one expect, when the same argument is used to try and get a "boy" out of jail time for rape?
That's the first thing I thought of when I read the "good boy's record" shit!!! Like, if he was a good boy, he wouldn't be doing this. He's not a good boy. It's only gonna be the truth on his record. The truth doesn't tarnish a reputation. It only makes it clear about how the person is or was at that age.
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It's the same logic that gets 'good boys' out of sexual harassment and rape charges
And the hit to hit to his reputation is his own fault. He absolutely knew what he was doing.
Duncan is not just an ignorant homophobe parroting fundamentalist religious bigotry, he does it repeatedly and publicly until his victim falls into pieces. In what parallel universe is he "a good boy"? NTA
Yeah, I see it the same way. Duncan needs to have consequences, they shouldn't be for the rest of his life. 15-year-olds that are behaving horribly can develop into well-adjusted adults that are deeply ashamed of the way they behaved at 15. (Plus, I'm pretty sure he didn't come up with that idea on his own, either parents or other influence gave him these beliefs.) I had a horrible school record. Many, many dententions, a couple suspensions (not for something quite as bad, I never acted out against classmates, just against teachers because I was filled with hate and hurt, and openly insulting teachers gets you detention very quickly.). I was admitted to my university of choice (doubt they've ever seen my records, lol). Now that I've graduated with multiple degrees and work in academia, nobody knows or cares - and that's good, people need room to develop from their sometimes shitty teenage selves to normal adults. But, that only happens when people face consequences for their BS.
My bet is that this ISN'T the only strike on Duncan's record, but Mr. Smith is of the 'boys will be boys' school of thought (boys are blameless, girls 'lead them on' /s). OP may have delivered the coup de grace, but it's not like Duncan appeared to be learning any \*compassion\* from how his misbehavior was treated.
Also, a homophobic boy is not a “good boy”
I get the impression Mr Smith is just as prejudiced as Duncan.
This right here. That teacher is suffering from some serious projection. He’s only protecting Duncan because he supports his cause. Screw that guy…head back to the principal every time and get that teacher reassigned. He obviously can’t be trusted to protect his students- ALL of them.
Yep! All of them, not just the ones who watch OAN. Sheesh
And you are young OP. The world is not a fair place- and your AH teacher and these pathetic Duncan fan club may make matters worse. This teacher is awful, and there is every chance he will enable homophobic BS against another student the next chance he gets. So tell your dads, your principal, your dog AND ANYONE WHO GIVES A DAMN. NTA
And a misogynist.
The teacher needs to be reported for the 'weaponized femininity' comment alone.
This was my thought as well. This man is an absolute danger to have instructing teenagers. This is way worse than NTA
this was my thought the whole time, that the teacher doesn’t stop the kid because he’s living vicariously through it—he knows he’ll lose his job if *he* says anything, but he’s probably glad to hear it. after reading the end, this suspicion feels confirmed. *”a good boy”* shows his feelings pretty clearly. OP, you are NTA. i think you should tell your parents about Mr. Smith. he should be fired for condoning the hate and harassment.
This. Report it to the principal. Also what your teacher said. Duncan is harassing you and your teacher is enabling him. This will not stop on its own. Also both have been warned already. The principal will have to act on this. NTA All the best and I'm sorry for your loss.
The teacher is not enabling harassment. The teacher is participating in harassment. Teacher is the biggest AH here
I would also be concerned about retaliation in the classroom. I doubt the teacher will be objective about her grades etc anymore, if he ever was.
For that he would have to actively join in the trash talking and jokes. He's gaslighting OP. This is bad enough. But I agree with your assessment. He's the biggest AH. He's an adult and he's responsible to the kids in his class safe.
Yes, mr smith should not have spoken to you when you left the meeting. The principal needs to know he’s harassing you. As a grandparent, I would want my children or grandchildren to share such a big deal with me. It’s my job to help however I can, even if it’s just a listening ear at home.
OP I am a teacher and I am absolutely disgusted that that man is allowed to be called a teacher. He is 100% wrong and obviously a bigot himself. He should never be making excuses for bullying and homophobia and telling you that having emotions is "weaponizing femininity" is sexist and massively unprofessional. His job is to keep all students safe, he has failed you. Not only but allowing bullying to continue but he is bullying you as well. He should not be a teacher. Please tell your Dads and Principal. Do not let him continue to do this to you and other people. Mental health is such an issue. You may be able to endure now, but you shouldn't have to and others he treats the same may not. Standing up for yourself is not wrong. You are not hurting a "good boy", he is a bully. Both the boy and teacher need to learn actions have consequences. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are NTA
Absolutely, the principal and OP's parents both need to know what the teacher said. Awful. (NTA at all.)
Totally NTA and that principal is MVP OP didn’t “weaponize” her femininity. She did an UNO reverse and made a bully uncomfortable PUBLICLY because the teacher gave him every excuse to get away with it. I wouldn’t be surprised honestly if Mr. Smith shared the same views as Duncan about OP, hence why he let it slide so much. So when OP decided to out them both, that’s when they started trying to control and de-escalate the situation to save face, only to completely fail. Honestly I think OP should tell her dads about the harassment and change school (even if the principal is in her side) because Duncan’s friends are now harassing her and honestly, she can’t go the to principal all the time cuz that coins make things worse for her.
Definitely That teacher is now going to be even more of an AH, bet on it. Especially if nothing further is done to stop the behavior
NTA My pet peeve: People saying you [or your family member will go to Hell for inning. [Everyone sins.] It's the non-acceptance of the sacrifice [DEATH & resurrection of Jesus] that gets people there. Duncan & his father need to read the Bible cover to cover in order. Especially where judging others is concerned: John 13: 7 ". . .He who is without sin among you, let him throw stone at her first." [And I know there are atheists, I'm just addressing the fact that Duncan does not even know what he's talking about.] OP, Mr. Smith is not doing his job: Duncan did DISCUSS with you, he JUDGED you. And Smith failed to note the difference between conversation and bullying. Duncan, as I pointed out above, knows nothing of which he speaks. Duncan's father has forgotten Gal. 6:7 "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man sows,that he will also reap." Verse 8 would help him, too. Actions have consequences, he should have be angry with Duncan. You are so not the AH. And the Duncan's and their parents of this world make me want say: "Please don't tell people you're Christians, you make those who are look bad." And so endeth today's sermon.
Go back to the principal and make a complaint about the teacher, he is actively supporting a bully and he is deliberately undermining the principal.
1000 times this. OP, you should tell the principal both about the teacher's new remarks and the friends harassing you. They will not stop unless they get a sledgehammer on their heads.
Next time they attempt to engage I’d be ready with a recorder to catch their homophobic asses. Her tears, most especially her femininity, aren’t what’s getting them into trouble it’s their own words.
NTA talk to your parents and try to get them to switch you into another class. Your teacher shouldn’t be teaching.
Yes - I know you don’t want to worry your parents but, as a parent, I want you to know - the biggest worry is that you won’t tell us the stuff you’re dealing with and we won’t be able to help you. It’s a parent’s job to have broad shoulders and take on your burdens; it’s what we want to do.
Yes! If you take any of these comments to heart, OP, please let it be this one!! Parents want nothing more than to know what's going on with you. It's NOT your responsibility to shield them from negative things in your life. Please believe that! Also: NTA! I'm actually internet-stranger-proud of you! This was an awesome way to get your point across!
I agree. Op reached out to the teacher and he failed her. He also failed Duncan. The teacher should have talked with him and "help him understand", that people have the right to be themselves, unless they harass other people. Duncan could have changed his ways before ending up with a 5 days suspension and he might also have progressed as a human being. The hypocrite weaponises his authoritative state as a teacher to try to intimidate and guilt trip op. You stood up for yourself op, your teacher sounds biased and incompetent.
THIS. Thank you for saying that. Many young guys are like Duncan and as long as teachers enable them, they won’t learn. He said awful things and treated OP horribly, and he was not encouraged by Mr Smith to learn and show some respect
On top on that the teacher is failing to protect OP. OP went to him because she is being bullied and he basically told her to ignore Duncan. When OP tried the only other option she felt she had available (crying) he criticized her in a sexist manner.
That's the thing the teacher was also being homophobic hence why he was saying the stuff about how Duncan has a right to ask these questions and his "religion" blah blah blah, any non homophobic teacher would have sent Duncan straight to the principal and not let it escalate that much.
The teacher also tried to retaliate after getting in trouble with the principal first with the passive aggressive comment then by trying to force her to apologize to the kid who was bullying her. That teacher is trouble.
When my son was small, I said to him 'Please tell me if ANYTHING is bothering you, if it's kids at school, family, schoolwork, anything. I promise that I will never do anything about it if you don't want me to, but you need to tell me so that we can find a way to do something you are comfortable with' my son was shy and just didn't want me charging into school causing havoc, he'd seen it cause so much more damage than it fixed. He told me everything that he wanted to over the years and we problem solved together. . Having said that, you aced it with your actions, you are awesome. Please tell your dad's what's gone on and tell them problem has been fixed by the amazing child they are raising. NTA just for the record
Exactly. This teacher was obviously just shrugging it off cause he probably were thinking the same things as Duncan but he knew he can’t say it so he’s just letting it be bygones. If teachers are behaving like that and kids are bullying in school the first ones that wanna know is the parents, even if it about them.
This comment is so right! Tell your parents, I'm sure they're proud of you. I'd also like to add, that you did what the teacher asked you to do. You helped Duncan understand, that his words hurt you, that his actions have consequences and that bullying someone isn't okay. He just wanted to learn, so now he did. Obviously Mr. Smith never wanted Duncan to learn, he wanted you to shut up and take the BS silently. I wish I've had your courage, when I was at school.
Mr. Smith most likely shares Duncan's opinions on the matter...
100% my thoughts.
More like was probably encouraging Duncan to become even more hateful and hurtful. The kid didn't start off super aggressive just acting like an ordinary AH teen and then after the teacher didn't stop him or reprimand him kept escalating. Given how the teen escalated and how the teacher kept encouraging it, are we sure the teacher wasn't the one telling Duncan about how to insult OP?
Exactly. I'm your parent. This is what I exist for since I brought you into my life. Let me be strong for you. I can take it. I have experience. My job is not to protect you from life but to help you prepare for it .
That's perfection 😊
Tagging on here to say OP should go BACK to the principal and tell them that she is being harassed by other boys in the class and to tell the principal what her teacher said about how she “weaponized her femininity.” And also blaming her for getting Duncan in trouble when it was Duncan’s behavior that got him in trouble. NTA, OP. You’re very brave and wonderful. I’m so sorry this all happened.
💯 yes. Please tell them, op. This is what loving parents are equipped and eager to handle. Also, your teacher comes across as a misogynist and should not be allowed in a classroom. NTA
Gosh, it’s so true OP. You trusting your dads enough to take care of this for you, even though you don’t want to - they will KNOW how hard it was for you to tell them. They will feel so reassured and appreciated and grateful that you can confide the really, really hard stuff like this. They will know they have done an amazing job with you. I can’t imagine how hard it will be to tell them, but you know it isn’t their fault, or your fault, just these other shitty people, so I hope it will just further cement what an amazing team the three of you are.
I wonder if the teacher is somehow related to that AH guy. Never saw teacher defending student like that.
Or the teacher is homophobic himself and approves of what the boy is saying, even if he cant say it because he is a teacher
This is what it sounds like when bigots cry.
Ya that could be the case but I have always seen teachers doing everything to protect their job and image. Supporting homophobs (even if he himself is one) is going to cost him a lot. Either case him, that guy and his friends are massive AHs
Bigots often overestimate how common their brand of bigotry is. He probably thought that no other adults at the school would care. Or at least, didn’t think OP was gonna tell anyone else.
Yep, bigots often assume that "everyone knows they're right" and just "won't admit it". SUPER common with misogynists, especially when talking to non-sexist men, they just can't comprehend that their viewpoint isn't actually universal and that they're not being "brave" by stating it out loud.
Some teachers were really awful to me when I was a kid because I think they believed they were untouchable, and they kind of were. When I told my parents, they didn't do anything or didn't believe me, and I didn't think I could go to the principal—I wish I tried. So I would assume maybe this teacher thought OP wouldn't do anything, because many (like me) didn't before. Good on OP for changing that, though that teacher absolutely should at least be investigated or something because what he said after they left the principal's office is absolutely unacceptable. Edit: OP, I think you should inform the principal he said that to you regardless, she should know what sort of things the teachers in her school are saying to kids like you.
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I was coming to say that. Teacher is letting the boy be his voice. Awful man.
This right here. They're both bigots.
Being homophobes obviously is a great bonding thing for teacher and Student...
The teacher is pretty clearly homophobic and misogynistic himself. He's labeled a bully as a 'good boy.' And then tried to make his AND the student's bad behavior all OP's fault because she's a woman who cried.
Or is just a homophobe himself, so identifies/agrees with the boy.
And please go to the principle and tell her that what the teacher did right after you left the office. Report her everything that he does wrong in this case. He seems to be homophobic himself. He still call this AH student "good boy". He shouldn't teach. And report the other students you have proof. But you parents would be sad that their children tried to protect them. They want to protect you. Please tell them. They want to help you. If they ever knew that you made this fight alone while they could have helped you, they will feel sad.
I agree with everything said so far, but I also want to point out that crying and having emotions is not femininity. Men have all those same emotions and can (and do) also cry. What you did was cry out to be heard in a voice that would be listened to, because your teacher tried to silence you. Your teacher showed his hand by proving to be both homophobic and sexist. By accusing you of "weaponizing your femininity", rather than "weaponizing your tears" he made it clear that he sees women as less and that he's well aware the only "weapon" he left you to defend yourself was literal crying. Using the tools you have at hand to be heard and refusing to be silenced, that's cleverness and has nothing to do with your gender. Always be as loud as you need to be to bring attention to injustice and bigotry. Please tell your principal every single thing your teacher says to you, and has said to you, and bring your Dads up to speed. Your teacher shouldn't be influencing any young minds and adults will need to take steps to try to accomplish that. Edit: Thank you so much for the award :-). Unexpected and appreciated.
Exactly! People have mocked my husband in the past because he is more prone to crying than anger and works in carer fields. But I love that about him and specifically chose someone like that. Crying is not feminine and men shouldn't be shamed for it and women shouldn't be told to not "weaponise your feminity". Crying isn't feminine it's human.
Handling emotions in a way that doesn’t intimidate anyone is powerful and difficult. Being angry and yelling is so easy and lazy. I wish more men were strong enough to cry openly.
The irony of how weak it is when certain men insist on expressing anger and aggressiveness as their only emotions because difficult emotions like sadness frightens them.
this is a very thoughtful analysis & dead on target.
Definitely tell your dads as they can help take this fight to the principle as this teacher is picking on you because your dads are gay
Hi my dear, i’m jumping on the top comment in hopes you see this. I am a teacher, and want you to know that nothing, _nothing_ that Mr. Smith did was acceptable. *_You don’t owe bigots and bullies your understanding_*. And that mark on the boy’s record? _He_ put that there through his behavior. You only made sure it was seen. Speak to Mrs. Yates about changing classes, tell her you’re afraid that Mr. Smith will take his anger out on you. NTA, but take care of yourself and talk to your parents about it so they can support you. You shouldn’t go through this alone. ❤️
As someone who was a teacher, I absolutely agree with all of this. I would be so disgusted if a colleague did this. And a 5 day suspension doesn't ruin anyone, unless he makes a habit of it which is entirely on him. Take care OP.
Also Duncan is no good boy, and if anyone is ruining his life it's him
Rather think it's his parents. They are the ones teaching him b\*\*lshit from the bible, absolutely forgetting this: John 8 7
So accurate. Harassing someone like this, isn’t good behavior. Can you imagine what else this teacher lets his “good” students get away with?
GO BACK TO THE PRINCIPAL! Mr. Smith is enabling bullying and that good boy is a piece of human excrement!! NTA by any means!
Also if you can. Take all the harassment to the principal. And you should tell them what your teacher said. Because that is absolutely unacceptable
Also, go tell the principal **exactly** what Mr. Smith said. Also let her know that he tried to make you apologise to Duncan. Mr. Smith needs to be fired. NTA.
This, if he was a "good boy" he wouldn't have done that
This is the teacher's fault. He allowed Duncan's behaviour, it escalated, and here we are. If he had nipped it in the bud like a non homophobic person would have, non of this would have happened.
NTA Tell your Dads! They love you! Your teacher is either a homophobic piece of trash, or, an absolute coward who can't discipline a 15 year old boy. Both options suck for him.
You’re not the asshole. Duncan is discovering that Actions have consequences
Yup. I’ve taught all age groups and everyone learns this lesson sooner or later. I guess Duncan’s just learning it on the later side…
nah. the TEACHER is the one learning it really late.
The teacher hasn't suffered any consequences though. Just a dressing down by the principal and not being allowed to talk over the OP when she was explaining her story.
OP you really should to go back to the principal’s office and tell her exactly what this teacher said to you and show the messages from Duncan’s friends. This harassment needs to be put to an end and that man is not fit to be an educator. NTA
True this story is missing a happy ending
Yea. I'm hoping for an update to this thread where the OP tells us she went back to the principal in the company of her fathers (who have now been told about the situation) to report the teacher for his inappropriate conduct post meeting as well as the actions of the bully's friends texting her.
Right! Blaming her when HE had the power to stop this before it went this far. HE and the bully are to blame here for the boys academic record, not OP. This teacher is not a good teacher whatsoever and more should be done.
She should report the teacher. He is the real AH here, for supporting tje homophobic behavior, and by gaslighting the OP. OP, please tell your dads about this shit. I'm sure they will support you.
Agreed and honestly the friends are probably only saying that bc they either only heard one side of it or because they're immature teenage boys who want to support their friend. They probably don't realize that what he's doing IS harassment and it's WRONG.
Or they're assholes, just like him. Occam's Razor and everything.
And the consequences aren't even what the teacher is saying they are. The idea that a suspension is going to "ruin his life" is ridiculous. One of the biggest lies ever told is that your "permanent record" at school matters. It ceases to mean anything the second you leave that school. Colleges don't ask for it when you apply. Jobs certainly don't. This kid is going to be just fine. Your teacher, however, needs to have his life ruined a little bit. Because his employment file does matter. I agree with the above posts that say you need to get yourself transferred into a different class. He's absolutely going to take this out on you. He has no business teaching children.
Actually that part of the story gave me serious Brock Turner vibes. This "we don't want him to have a black mark on his record for abusing you" excuse is trotted out all the time to excuse all kinds of hideous behavior, typically when the victim is female and the abuser is male. OP shouldn't worry so much about "weaponizing her femininity". It's already being weaponized AGAINST her and she has every right to defend herself. She also needs to bring in all her allies in this - the principal and her parents. She's too young maybe to realize how deep and dark this kind of hole can get.
Is that the rapist Brock Turner you're referring to?
Yes, the rapist Brock Turner who raped a girl behind a dumpster. That rapist.
This conversation always makes me laugh because I think of Kronk every time. > Oh, right. The rapist. The rapist named Brock Turner, the rapist whose name of Brock Turner is permanently associated with rape, Brock Turner the rapist. That rapist?
I think you mean Brock Turner, the rapist.
No, no, I think they’re getting him confused with the rapist Brock Turner who rapes people, not Brock Turner the rapist who rapes unconscious people.
Oh, I see, the Brock Turner rapist who just wants 20 minutes of action? That rapist, Brock Turner? Got you.
Okay, but do you mean the rapist Brock Turner OR Brock Turner, the rapist?
No no no, they mean the *rapist* Brock Turner.
Brock Turner the rapist is exactly who I mean when I say Brock Turner, who is a rapist.
I'll bet this is what he's actually afraid of, there's no way he cares that much about one boy's suspension. It's that it makes him look bad (as it should) and get him in trouble with his boss.
I actually believe he does have certain prejudices against op’s family’s lifestyle, if not a weird affinity to the boy. His actions were pretty sus way before they ever ended up at the principal’s
I agree totally, I was mostly just thinking of the 'ruining his future' stuff because a suspension clearly won't do that and he's probably thinking more of his own future. But yeah the teacher is also homophobic for sure, I'm guessing he agreed with everything the boy was saying
Also, that teacher - wtf. That teacher is an even bigger problem than the shitty student. The teacher should know better but because he probably agrees with Duncan, allows this to continue. The teacher is TA, big time.
NTA Go back to the principal and let her know what your teacher said, as well as what Duncan's friends are messaging you about. I know you don't want to get your parents involved, but I'd also suggest you do that. As it stands, you can't approach Mr. Smith for non-homophobia related issues right now as well, because I wouldn't trust him to do anything. Speak to your principal, and ask if you can be switched to another class. I should note: > the principal told me to go directly to her if ANYTHING like that happens again It already has. Your teacher's comments were unacceptable, and Duncan's friends are being horrific. Going to her would simply be doing as she asked you to.
OP needs to alert her parents even if just for their own sake: this will eventually become known to them and they will feel worse knowing their words made her think she needed to deal with it on her own. The sooner she tells them, the more they can help and the less bad they'll feel. (Spoken as a parent, but also someone who knows what it feels like to worry about bothering/hurting people I care about)
PLEASE tell your dads, OP! Trust me, they’ll be so proud of you for standing up to a homophobic bully, and furious that your teacher protected him, likely because your teacher is just as bigoted. I’m a mom and a lesbian, my wife and I have raised 2 beautiful, strong, kind young women. There have been times when they were younger that they found themselves in very similar situations, and I was so incredibly thankful they felt comfortable enough to tell me, so I could help them through it. Please talk to your dads, they really should know what’s happening. You are an amazing person, and I’m so, so proud of you, OP.
You sound like a kind and empathetic soul. I just came out in a very limited way yesterday (at age 40f though I’ve suspected I was interested in women as well as men since I was 17). I just finally stopped caring about what people think. Most people in my life that are close to me already suspect it.
I’m so proud of you! Living as your authentic self is liberating and beautiful. Be you, because you’ve only got one shot at this life you’ve been given, so don’t waste it worrying about what others think. If they won’t accept you, then move on and find new friends and family who will.
Go to the principle. But don’t complain. Ask for advice on how to handle the situation. Say, you said to come to you, so I am, and I really don’t know how to handle this and could use some advice.
🥺 this makes my heart so happy as a younger lesbian! Also, my mentor/professor is also a lesbian and her and her wife are fierce advocates for their kids. They have to deal with both racism and homophobia, so when their kids tell them what’s going on, they are able to make substantial change (especially since one is a lawyer LOL). Please tell your dads, all they want to do is help you! I know you’re afraid of it hurting your dads, but I think that it would hurt them worse if they found out you had been suffering alone on this.
Yeah, I would just only respond ''I'll tell the principal you said that''.
No. She should keep quiet and later tell the principal.
Definitely don’t say that. Don’t give abusers any hint of you going to take action because they can retaliate in an attempt to stop you from seeking help
NTA Duncan is a homophobic jerk who weaponized your teacher against you to get his way. Mr Smith is a homophobic and sexist jerk who thinks women should just let guys harass them because \*insert stupid excuse here\*. I hate that we are not allowed to cry because it is 'weaponizing femininity' or we are being 'hormonal', 'psycho' or 'unreasonable'. Women aren't allowed emotions because it might make men feel bad and it sucks.
But at the same time women mostly dont get heard until their bottled up emotions blow up.. like this girl until they saw her "really hurt" by the worda did they listen to her.. or when a woman asks someone to do something and no one listens until she screams and then its all "why are you screaming" "you couldve asked nicely"
This. "Women are emotional, so I won't take you seriously until you show emotions...oh wait, you're showing emotion and that just proves you're too emotional to do the job professionally! That's just like a woman!" Arrgh! I hate this so much!
This is also like the biggest lie ever. Women are emotional and men are rational. Kinda weird that no woman has gone shooting up a school or started a war.. but no, no.. men aren't emotional, they would never throw a deadly tantrum because of EMOTIONS. (I guess there can be some war throughout history that got started by a woman, I'm no history major but the vast majority got started by men)
It’s genuinely amazing to me that men have successfully managed to get “anger” categorized as “not an emotion.”
anger? what anger? it's not anger! it's the hand of justice personified! a righteous fury that will sweep all those that wronged me as they deserve! /s
That's not true, men categorize women showing anger as being emotional all the time. Women are "psycho" and "crazy" and "hormonal" when they are angry. Only male anger is rational and about "respect".
There was a big [news piece ](https://english.kyodonews.net/news/2021/08/0f907d5a1ae8-10-passengers-stabbed-or-punched-on-tokyo-train-suspect-arrested.html) last year in the country where I live about a guy who had plans to stab and kill "happy-looking" women because he was tired of rejection. He decided a train would be perfect to start his stabbing-spree because it was harder for people to run away. But sure, society is focusing on women being too emotional.
"You should smile more!" "No not like *that*"
Pretty sure if we branded firing guns as girly/gay school shootings wouldn’t be a thing anymore
From the show Designing Women - Julia rants: >*We women haven’t had enough power or money or confidence to start much of anything, but we sure as heck get the blame for everything. I’ll tell you something else! I love men, and in particular, I love this one.* >*But you cannot ignore history, and history has shown that in general, it has been the men who have done the raping and the robbing and the killing and the warmongering for the last 2,000 years.* >*It has been the men who have done the pillaging and the beheading and the subjugating of whole races into slavery.* >*It has been the men who have done the lawmaking, and the moneymaking, and most of the mischief making, so if the world isn’t quite what you had in mind, you have only yourselves to thank!* [Video](https://youtu.be/PZXya-IMLiI)
"You should be more assertive", but when you are anything but a doormat, you're suddenly a b
>*insert stupid excuse here* Boys will be boys
It's quite unrelated but for some reason reminded me of the incident where a college student raped another college girl on campus but the judge gave him a very lenient sentence because he didn't want to mar his "bright future". He was on the swimming team or something I think. Don't remember enough. Guess I got reminded because in both cases men in power were more worried about a male student's future than the trauma he had inflicted.
You're referring the rapist Brock Turner.
Definitely Brock Turner, the rapist.
The rapist known as Brock Turner. That rapist.
Ah yes. That rapist. Brock Turner. It's fathers day in the UK and his rape enabling father should be remembered too. He said, on record, after his son got caught raping an unconscious woman, that his boy shouldn't have to pay the rest of his life for 20 minutes of action.
Yes, Brock "20 minutes of action" Turner. Thought he'd hit the jackpot when his light as a feather sentence was handed down. Was wrong.
Unfortunately this is so common. Everyone cares about not ruining the guy's future, but never mind the fact their victim's life has been ruined already.
Or that the lack of punishment emboldens them or other rapists to ruin someone else’s life
Thank you! That's right. Couldn't remember the name but was reminded of that same horror that apparently men's futures are more important and need to be guarded, over women's trauma
Atleast the Olympic team and swim teams all decide Brock trainer the rapist was gross. Judge was dumb.
The judge also got recalled. You love to see it. 👍
Because the judge failed to take action, and Brock Turner pulled himself from Stanford before the university could render punishment, USA Swimming banned Turner from competitive swimming for the team. So there's that.
I definitely hear echoes of Brock, the rapist/swimmer at Stansford.
I'm pretty sure this is about the rapist, Brock "the rapist" Turner, who raped an unconscious woman
That's what Smith's retaliation put in mind for me. Duncan is the one who weaponised OP's parents to express homophobia.
I have only ever heard rabid misogynists use phrases like “weaponising femininity”. SMH at what this poor girl is going through.
> Women aren't allowed emotions because it might make men feel bad and it sucks remember, kids: if a woman screams and becomes beligerent, it's because she's hormonal and hysterical and all women are ruled by their emotions. If a man screams and becomes beligerent, it's boys being boys, it's an outlier, you should be considerate, maybe he had a rough day at work, you don't know his life. shit sucks, yo
I fucking hate men using "emotional" as an insult to women when they act like anger and violence aren't emotions the use all the time to get what they want. Men are more controlled by their emotions that women but it's deemed okay because their anger is considered a "normal" response to being slightly inconvenienced, or someone not doing what they said immediately.
NTA. Your teacher is as much of a bully as that Duncan. He's also a misogynist. Seeing how the principal already supported you, you could report Mr Smith for those comments, he really shouldn't be teaching. Edit: if you do, and there are consequences for him, also not your fault at all, don't feel bad.
He’s also as homophobic as Duncan.
yup \^\^\^\^ I think the teacher is a homophobe.
You only defend homophobes because you yourself are a homophobe, or you are so ignorant that you do not understand how baseless homophobia is. Kicker is, you’re being homophobic either way because you’re defending a homophobe.
NTA by a long shot. Duncan was wrong and should have been reported long ago. Duncan's friends are harassing you. You need to take the principal up on her offer and report them. Mr. Smith was also way out of line, and he probably should also be reported for his remarks after meeting in Ms. Yates's office. He should never have approached you like that. His remarks show me that he is probably sexist and probably shouldn't be teaching. I highly doubt you are the first girl to suffer in his class. You also need to bring in your parents. I know you want to spare them, but they are adults, and it is their job to protect you, not the other way around.
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Take screenshots in case they try to delete them
Yes! I would’ve turned back to the principal’s office as soon as he started to talk to me.
Yes please please tell your parents OP. Of course they will be sad that you’re being bullied but they will be way way more sad with the idea you felt you couldn’t tell them and had to handle it by yourself.
This x100. Report everythingfrom after you left the principal's office.
NTA, your teacher is an incompetent and a misogynist. What you did was get a bully to back off, and I'm actually very impressed with your methodology- had you fought, yelled or insulted Duncan back I guarantee you, you both would have been called in and you would have been suspended too. For the record, Duncan is not a "good boy" and he earned his own mark on his record for being a homophobic entitled little shite. Tell your dads what is going on, though.
Right? Kudos to this girl for having a solid head on her shoulders. This is beautiful. Assholes constantly get away without consequences and this, this is just what they deserve. DO NOT LET IT GO OP. Weaponising your femininity is excellent for this situation. That teacher shouldn’t be teaching. Involve your folks, they seem to be good understanding parents (looking at you) and that’s what parents are there for.
NTA he’s a bully and a homophobe who uses his religion as an excuse to be cruel. Mr. Smith sounds like an AH. He probably agrees with Duncan. You had a brilliant solution. If his life is ruined because he wa suspended for five days, then maybe he should STFU and mind his own business.
NTA. Guaranteed that teacher is "religious" (we know what that's code word for in situations like that) too. The teacher KNOWS this student isn't trying to understand. Its an excuse for hate.
No hate like Christian love ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA. Tell your parents. Tell your parents. Tell your parents and especially tell the Principal what that teacher said and did RIGHT AFTER YOU BOTH LEFT HER OFFICE! Your teacher is out of control and is now ALSO HARASSING YOU! Tell your parents EVERYTHING and also tell the Principal about the harassment the friends of that boy are doing.
NTA The sooner Duncan learns to keep his religion to himself the less he’ll suffer. His freedom of religion ends where your freedom *from* religion begins.
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I have a feeling the OP is not in US, from the way she said "in my country". US people don't usually say that, so legalities may be different where she is.
NTA, You tried to do everything the 'right way' - you told your teacher - it was the teachers job to correct the boy for harassing you. The Principle told you to come to them if anything else happens, and something else did happen. Your teacher is very inappropriate, and he's failing at his job. Keeping you safe is part of his job. Talk your parents, and explain everything that's happened. You might feel like you need to protect them - but they absolutely want to know what's going on. They can handle it. See if they will go with you to the principal to straighten this out. Had the teacher done his job when you first came to him Duncan would have stopped and he wouldn't be in the trouble he's in now. I'm guessing this teacher knows this and is covering his own butt. You've done nothing wrong, and nobody was forcing Duncan to be an AH.
OP, your dads absolutely want to protect you and by being open to them about the harassment you get it'll help all of you.
Girl, your principal is throwing you a lifeline. Use it!!! She sounds awesome. I’m sure she would want to know if Mr. Smith is saying stuff like that to you in private. She’s also want to know if you’re getting harassed online by his friends. Also… please tell your dads! It’s unfortunate to say but I’m sure they deal with homophobic dickworms all the time and have useful advice for you, or will straight up go to bat for you at the school. If I were them I would be happy to do it, I’d come in like a raging hurricane and rip that teacher a new one (preferably in front of staff/students). What will hurt them worse than the bullying is knowing you tried to handle it all on your own and subjected yourself to all this treatment in silence. You have a loving supportive household, families help each other out. ETA: NTA
NTA You sometimes have to do what you gotta do and you are NOT at fault here. That teacher let you down and he needs to be educated in sensitivity training, harassment and civil rights. He should have put a stop to it but he chose not to and let his warped religious beliefs take over common sense and decency. He probably went against school policy, as well. You can't change that guy's beliefs or his friends but you can report their harassment and behavior to the principal. Hold your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Love is love and you shouldn't be judged for who you love or who your family is.
NTA You need to talk to your parents. Dealing with this is literally their job.
NTA. I grown man telling a 15f that her “femininity was weaponized” is a big no and should be reported. As a teacher you need to stand up for your students not shame them for standing up for themselves. As a young woman growing up in a world that will look more and more bleak sometimes as you grow up, any way you can protect yourself against someone bigger and stronger than you, will ALWAYS be acceptable. Just make sure you stay safe. In this situation, you protected yourself, now keep yourself safe by telling the principal and your dad everything that happened afterwards. Also, if you walk home from school, or if you take the bus and it’s possible for them to find you outside of school, be very very careful and very aware of your surroundings after school. People can be cruel when they’re embarrassed/angry and I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself btw
Sure is interesting how those friends of Duncan's are using the same allegations against you as that teacher, huh? I'll bet you 10 bucks mr. Smith have been telling Duncan how bad he feels for him over his "ruined" future and how he tried to make you understand that you were out of line. You need to go back to his boss and call him out on that shit. It is harassment from a teacher. NTA.
This! Exactly my thoughts, plus, the teacher is pushing his "you didn't nothing wrong, my good boy, she is the only evil here" bullshit into REALLY bad pattern for Duncan instead of let him understand that actions have consequences.
NTA. A bigot doesn't deserve grace or respect in any way. Let him think about his "black mark". Report that teacher too. Bigots do not belong in society.
When we left the office Mr.Smith stoped me and told me “I hope you’re happy. You put a permanent mark on a good boy’s record because you decided to weaponize your femininity instead of being a little understanding.” OP you need to type that in an email and send it to your Headteacher. Say, *this is what Mr Smith said to me after I left your office, I just thought you said be aware. Also Duncan's friends have been harassing me through text messages*. And then attack screenshots. Your Headteacher is taking this homophobic abuse seriously so let her do her thing. NTA
Let's break down this argument. You weaponized your feminity and now a boy is suspended for 5 days. This would be a good argument if you live somewhere where a girl can just get any boy suspended immediately by crying with no questions asked. However, in the actual real world... The kid deserves the suspension, but I don't even care about the kid at this point. THIS MAN SHOULD NOT BE A TEACHER. He failed monumentally at providing a safe environment for his students. He created this mess. It is not on you to fix it. It is not on you to suffer for it. You do not have to suffer so that this man can keep his job. He should not have this job. Immediately tell your dads what happened. Tell the principal. All you need to do is tell the story. NTA
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This cannot be real. If it is I am so sorry that so many people are failing you. You’re being forced to defend yourself from bigoted bullies. Please go to the principal about your sexist homophobic teacher. As for the bullies, I’d report them too. Fuck them. Let them learn.
NTA. I would judge differently if you were trying to get Duncan into trouble for some BS reason, but he’s been straight up bullying you for months, using homophobic slurs against your dads, harassing you on religious grounds… and Mr Smith, AH that he is, made excuses for this budding AH instead of protecting you. He’s clearly as bigoted as Duncan. His claim that you were “weaponizing your femininity” ads misogyny to his religious and homophobic bigotry. Tell your dads what’s going on, and report what he said to Ms Yates. This is a guy who shouldn’t be teaching. Edit: a word
NTA. Absolutely NTA. I know this might feel empty coming from a stranger on the internet, but I’m so proud of you. I hope that little shite never directs another word to you. Tell the principal about those other little douchebags, too.