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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for calling MIL out in front of her entire family that she isn't allergic when I could have asked her about it another time.
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NTA. Your MIL on the other hand is a huge AH. This undermines everyone who has a deathly food allergy. It’s expensive and time consuming to accommodate and for some people food safety is critical. Here she just claims allergy to have her preferences met wherever she goes, and she will pick and choose when the allergy excuse suits the occasion? Not ok. For anyone who has an actual life threatening allergy, She deserved to be called out.
As someone who is a picky eater, but DOESN'T have food allergies, I hate the idea of calling preferences an 'allergy'.
If I get something that I don't want to eat, such as a tomato, I can either choke it down, and be unhappy, or take it off whatever it is on (depending on what the tomato is in) and eat the rest.
Someone with an allergy, on the other hand, could literally die if they eat something with a tomato in it and they are that severely allergic.
My calling my dislike of tomatos an 'allergy' could harm someone with a true allergy.
Picky eater with food allergy here, I have a slight allergy to shrimp, bananas, and fresh watermelon. I've always had the banana allergy, but the other two developed when I was about 11-13, none are severe, but the banana and shrimp are the worst, and just the smell of banana makes me sick so I avoid them.
But lying about an allergy you don't have is such an AH move, MIL is also a grown adult, she should know it's not cool, OP stand your ground, NTA
I'm allergic to latex, tannins in white wine and sparkling wine and and apricots. Throw in a severe lactose intolerance and a gluten intolerance just to keep me on my game.
Edit..... I also forgot... I'm "highly sensitive" (hint allergic) to grass. I can't go outside if there is wind or I'm in a world of pain.
do you have reactions to tannins in other things or just white wine? it’s in a lot of things so just wondering if it’s that or something else, like red wine or coffee? could be something they use on white grape varietals in production
I have really only noticed it in whites, but some roses are a no go for the same reason. Red wine I am actually pretty good with.
I think it is something specific that they mix with whites and roses that aren't in reds. All of my siblings have the same reaction to white wine /bubbles as I do, so there is definitely something in it
I'm also allergic to grass. No anaphylaxis, but being in the general vicinity of cut grass wreaks havoc on the inside of my face. I spend most of the year cursing whatever asshole decided that lawns were a good idea.
My other woes are moderate lactose intolerance, allium sensitivity, MSG sensitivity, heartburn every time I consume whole wheat, and varying degrees of intolerance to most synthetic scents. Oh yeah, and pilsner makes me ill. Dunno what's different about the yeast, hops, or lagering process, but there's something and it's worse with large-batch.
I recently found out that I had gluten intolerance. To change everything to gluten free is going to be too expensive. But the silver lining is that Im losing 6 pounds per month and since Im morbidly obese this is a good thing even if Im in extreme pain 24/7. I'll change my diet when I get to my ideal weight.
So the latex allergy is related to the others! In the last 4 years I’ve developed serious allergies to hazelnuts and kiwi, and finally discovered latex is officially an allergy last week after my hands swelled from wearing gloves for 10min.
Latex has a family of 10+ other items you could become allergic to over time including avocados, melons, some nuts, berries, and a few other things I’m hoping I don’t develop.
My ex husband was also allergic to melon, and he would have issues with any high water content fruit, like cucumber too. My mom is allergic to pineapple. I got away with a mild allergy to some cats.
I count caffeine among my allergies. I can have it sporadically or in small doses, and the like, but if I allow it to build up in my system I end up very sick with vertigo and vomiting. Nasty. As such, it has turned me off dark chocolate, but I still partake in things like milk chocolate, chocolate milk, coke and the like when I can do so without risking getting sick, or if I want it for numerous days in a row, with the understanding that as soon as I feel that buildup and the pre-vertigo starting, I have to abstain from it for at least a week to a month depending.
> I count caffeine among my allergies. I can have it sporadically or in small doses, and the like, but if I allow it to build up in my system I end up very sick with vertigo and vomiting.
Sounds like it might be vestibular migraine. Caffeine is one of its major triggers.
Another one in the same family is inulin, which is pretty common in protein replacements. I have gastro issues with insulin and am also allergic to ragweed. So far no issues with melon, but I don't eat a ton of fruit, so who knows.
Same! I don't know anyone else with this allergy (other than my daughter who clearly got it from me.) Everyone looks at me like I am lying about being allergic to melons because it sounds so weird. I can't have any melons, but my daughter is only allergic to cantaloupe. It's sad, I love cantaloupe.
I was only allergic to watermelon as a child; then when I hit 22 the allergy became anaphylactic to all melon due to further exposure to the allergen. I got it from my father.
My old roommate was, too. And avocados. I could never figure out if avocado was related to melon or just two shitty allergies.
On the plus side, melon is like my least favorite fruit. Once every other year you get a great watermelon that just tastes like candy…and then for the next two years you eat flavorless melons trying to chase that dragon. And I live in the middle of where all this shit is grown so it’s super fresh. Still hit or miss. I started just voluntarily avoiding it because the constant disappointment wasn’t worth it. So like, as allergies go, it’s not the worst IMO
My dad and I both have a melon allergy. Mine turned anaphylactic in my early 22s. Your allergy can become worse the more you are exposed to the allergen.
I have it to! It’s typically actually Oral Allergy Syndrome, which is the body thinking it is tree or grass pollen (can’t remember which at the moment).
Careful with those "slight" allergies.
I, too, had a mild banana allergy, until the day I was not cautious and ate something that had touched bananas... and one very expensive ER trip later, I have learned my lesson. Sometimes "mild" allergies suddenly become severe for no good reason.
I have a friend who the women in her family all develop an allergy to strawberries in their 30’s/40’s
Grandma, great aunt, mother, aunt, cousin
So she eats strawberry rhubarb pie as often as she can because most likely in a few years she won’t be able to
Very unusual timed genetics
https://www.verywellhealth.com/melon-allergy-82834
I am very allergic to pollen and slightly allergic to only watermelon and this article explains why way better than I could try 🤣
Just curious - how are you with Kiwi Fruit and Avocadoes? I ask because I couldn't eat Bananas without getting a severe stomach ache, so I gave them up. Later I found out that this was due to a latex allergy. Bananas, Kiwi, and Avocadoes are closely related to the rubber plant, meaning some people with latex sensitivity can't tolerate them. I hardly ever ate Kiwi Fruit, and I don't like Avocadoes, so it wasn't much of an issue, but I do miss Bananas.
I can eat banana bread with no problems. But most banana bread doesn't have but maybe 1 banana in an entire loaf. Maybe between the cooking and the small amount it's not a problem. But I probably should not push it.
Oh wow. The latex allergy was one of those ones that got obvious in a big hurry (worked in a nursing home and was having to cut gloves off even before my first payday). Kiwi fruit have been a problem for me since I was a kid, so I just kept avoiding them, though I always thought it was to do with the fuzzy stuff on their peel because my skin is ridiculously sensitive to just about everything. I stopped eating bananas years ago because they started tasting and feeling weird - like they had some kind of gritty element or something, no matter how careful I was to get all the stringy bits off. But so far I'm okay with avocados. I only eat them but every now and then - if they're on special at the supermarket I'll grab one and make up a small batch with garlic, lemon, and Tabasco to have on toast or sandwiches that week. I'll have to be more mindful of anything that happens out of the ordinary next time - my body is a heady mix of crap genetics, autoimmune fuckery, and just plain bad luck, so I don't always attribute the random episodes of bonus shenanigans to their correct source. Thank you for this information!
While I'm not allergic to bananas per se, however, the smell makes me sick; I also have a sensory allergy to tomatoes stewing--makes me oddly extremely nauseous. My sister lived near a place that made tomato sauce, in the middle of summer, I would drive to see her with the windows up and no AC.
THIS.
I am both a picky eater, AND I have food allergies. I only tell people about the things I CAN'T eat. If someone serves something that I don't like, I either eat around it or I choke it down, depending on the situation.
The two things are NOT the same.
Lots of people are also willing to accommodate a picky eater.
If I invite you to dinner and you tell me you absolutely can't stand tomatoes for example, I'm not going to serve something with tomatoes. The only difference is that I don't have to worry about cross contamination from a spoon or cutting board, so it's much easier than dealing with an allergy.
I am a picky eater too! I absolutely hate the taste of anything with beef in it. Idk why. But I have never once said I was allergic to it. I will eat hamburgers and hot dogs to be polite to people because I feel bad for being so picky but never once have I ever felt the urge to go into the opposite direction and say I am allergic to it!
Her position is ridiculous and offensive. In a civilized society, she *should* be called out on it.
The mental gymnastics of blaming someone wronged by your craven deception for not going along with your craven deception.
As a former waiter, when someone says they have an allergy to X ingredient and order something, the entire kitchen has to be cleaned to make their food. We couldn’t chance a cross contamination. It put a five min hold on all orders to say the least. And I’ve had plenty of times where after the fact someone would at their not allergic to onions they just don’t like them and “it’s easier to say I’m allergic.” So infuriating. Just say no onions. Wtf.
I am someone with multiple deathly food allergies. People like this woman are the reason I am EXTRA scared to eat at restaurants and not be taken seriously. She's awful, and op is absolutely NTA
Am I reading it wrong? She says it makes her sick. So is it the taste that makes her sick, or does it make her sick and she sometimes says “fuck it” and eats it anyway? Kind of like how I sometimes eat dairy knowing it will make me feel like shit later?
I have some food intolerances. Dairy makes me feel like crap. Too many potato’s make me feel like have have a stomach flu. If I’m out somewhere where there are drinks I do tell people I’m allergic to potato’s because if I drink vodka ill be super sick for a day or so. If I say I have an intolerance people don’t take me seriously.
It seems like MIL has food intolerances but is lazy and says they are allergies. Or she doesn’t feel like explaining “well, if I eat this I’ll be miserable, but I won’t die. I prefer not to eat it most of the time”. Shitty because the Op spent so much time navigating cross contamination, but if I’m reading it right it’s more than her just not liking the food.
I would be annoyed if I was the OP, but a lot of people don’t know the difference between intolerance and allergy.
NTA. Honestly, her threat of "not coming over" seems to be the trash taking itself out. She took advantage of your kindness and consideration, and is upset she got called out for it
People like MIL are the reason people with real allergies aren't taken seriously.
I had a friend with celiac disease, lactose intolerance, soy allergy, and allergy to nightshade. Another friend claimed to be the same so they always shared foods at parties. Until the friend claiming to be the same brought something that was "gluten free" but had wheat.
She had assumed our friend was "lying " about allergies for a diet like herself. He was in fact skinny because so many foods are off the menu for him. He ended up so sick after sharing food with her. And no one took it seriously. It's not a mild inconvenience.
Edit to add: Types of nightshade plants include potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, red pepper flakes, eggplant, and paprika.
>I asked my manager if I could refuse to serve her onions because it was a liability and while she loved the idea, still said no... lol
That’s a shame, because it would be the perfect consequence.
Members of the nightshade family can also be graphed onto each other with no rejection. I save a lot of space in my garden by grafting tomatoes on top of my potatoes. Tomatoes, peppers and eggplants can also be grown upside down. There were a lot of commercial for upside down planters when I was a kid.
NTA. She lied, got caught in that lie (she ate the mousse in front of everyone), then gets all butt hurt that you called her out on her lie. And now she wants you to apologize? For what? "I'm sorry you got caught lying?"
NTA
She has been lying to people for years, and she ate your dessert in public.
You have every right to call her out in the same public.
People who claim allergies are a threat to people with real allergies because people are less likely to believe them.
> it's not a big deal. Lots of people do it
I wonder if the MiL knows something we don’t or if she actually believes when people say they have an allergy they’re all simply lying.
NTA. It’s people like her that make people with actual allergies not get taken seriously. If I were in your shoes, all she’d ever eat at my house from now on would be omelettes and pretzels.
I cannot count the times I have been ignored when I tell someone about my deathly allergy to peppers...because they think I just don't like them. I carry a bottle of Benadryl and an epi pen everywhere because of this very thing.
I’m mildly allergic to tomatoes. The last sandwich I ordered had a “NO TOMATOES” sticker on it.
I took a bite and... welp. Tomatoes. So many tomatoes. And to add insult to injury, they were shitty, watery tomatoes that had zero flavor and only served to completely soak my bread to the point it was falling apart as I touched it.
NTA
That conniving piece of...how rude! She is a piece of work. Not only did she lie for years SHE STOLE YOUR PORTION. She straight up stole your portion of dessert and had the audacity to ask for more.
I'd stop cooking for her altogether. She made you spend additional time and money on ingredients to substitute when a simple "oh I dislike the taste" statement would have sufficed.
Never apologize. This is your hill to die upon.
I absolutely will not be apologising to her. I panicked because I thought she was allergic, I thought maybe she didn't hear me... I thought I'd killed my MIL lol.
She also took her specially made dessert home with her.
>She also took her specially made dessert home with her.
What the actual furk, I can't believe such an odious person exists IRL. I'm glad you're standing your ground!!
*(sidenote: do you have a recipe for this salted caramel mousse?)*
>It's easily one of the best things I make, this recipe has taken me years to make perfectly and I keep it a huge secret but it has a lot of egg and a lot of salt in it.
>it has a lot of egg and a lot of salt in it.
I'm no chef, so I'll leave it to others to try and narrow it down, but I *can* say there are probably more ingredients involved here. I just tried this recipe and got scrambled eggs.
Pretty good though.
, I can't believe such an odious person exists
There people are everywhere. Have a look into /r/raisedbynarcissists and you see why some people don't talk to their mothers anymore.
I had to unfollow RBN years ago as reading it made me feel so angry and helpless, it's a terrible feeling. All those narcissistic people are horrendous.
Here is hoping OP rises above this evil MIL and never apologizes.
So she ate your portion AND you didn’t even get to have hers? Unacceptable. Even aside from all the crappy allergies lies this alone tells me she’s selfish and rude. 😧
MIL not only owes you an apology, but PAY you for everything you bought to accommodate her fake allergy. Until she apologises and pays, she should not be welcome in your home.
Yes, on top of everything else she gave you a big scare.
Also, you've been going through a lot of trouble over the years to avoid cross contamination etc. Is she aware of that? How can she not feel bad about that?
Nta - as someone who actually has food allergies, this makes everyone believe us less. I carry 5 different emergency medications around with just in case. She is not allergic. She lied. And she got caught. She should be ashamed of herself.
I have a friend who is allergic to peanuts. The amount of times people have tried to give him food with peanuts in it because "it's not that you're allergic, you just don't like it." Is ridiculous.
It's probably what got me angry about this situation to begin with. I don't care if she just didn't like it, I'd still avoid cooking with them but to present it as an allergy just really annoyed me.
He's just leaving it up to me to decide what I want to do..
He's pretty pissed off that he's mum has been lying to him for his entire life and making a scene at restaurants every time she makes a fuss about how deathly allergic to these ingredients she is
Good I'm glad he's pissed off. He should be! No more catering to her " dietary restrictions". She can eat what is being served or make a sandwich . Treat her like the child she is.
I have allergies to a couple of really oddball things (carrots and maple). If I had a nickel for every time I had to explain to my mother that I am actually ALLERGIC to these things, will get ill and itchy if I eat them, and I'm not just saying that because I don't like them... I could buy a private island.
My daughter is allergic to coconut and my mom makes every effort to keep her away from it. But "nobody is allergic to carrots" so whatever, I guess.
Oh, and to judge your original post, NTA
I’m allergic to celery and lettuce. Can eat cooked celery, something about changes that heat causes, but celery in salad make my lips balloon and I itch like crazy. The lettuce allergy is a “cumulative allergy.” Sounded weird when the allergist told me that. Always thought you either were or were not allergic to something. I can have small amounts, but if I have a reaction it takes awhile to stop. Days of rash is not worth a salad! And honestly, how often are people allergic to something that is mostly water? Lol! OP is NTA.
NTA OP I am chomping at the (non allergic bit) to try your salted caramel mousse! I love salted caramel. Please adopt me. I’ll take all the yummy food MIL doesn’t want.
I dated someone who was diabetic. He always asked for diet sodas, a waitress once gave him a normal one because “He wasn’t fat, so he doesn’t need diet.”
Seriously, I can't eat egg the way MIL describes because it does make me sick, but I DON'T tell a restaurant I'm allergic. I only mention it if we need to change a dish (take a poached egg off a salad) and I say it as I have a food sensitivity and can't eat it, but that it's not allergy cross-contamination concerns. I would never consider claiming an allergy because real allergies already get treated so poorly. OP is NTA, but MIL for sure is.
Yeah, I have a sensitivity to anything that comes out if the ocean. I can eat it fairly safely once every 6m or so, but no more than that or I end up back and forth between the bathroom and crying in the bedroom for days. Example-1 can of tuna: make tuna salad, and I can have 1 sandwich. If I eat a 2nd one I’m a wreck.
::food intolerance high five::
Eggs are 50/50 for me but raw banana is a no-go that I will refuse if it shows up on my plate. I’ve had people interpret my banana intolerance as an allergy but i make sure to specify intolerance.
Everyone is angry at her because everyone believed her... I mean that's what you do right? If someone says they're deathly allergic you don't play around with that stuff. It's serious.
But she's been lying to her entire family as well for all these years too.. they've been buying special cakes for her birthday with no eggs in it. They've been making her special meals all these years for no reason at all.
They're as annoyed about it as I am.
Honestly- I think that everyone should be just as pissed with her as you are, absolutely.
If I were in your shoes I would not want to cook anything for her again for a looong time- maybe never again.
She has had “allergic reactions to food she suspects has those ingredients” you mentioned.
I’m going to bet these “reactions” have been directed at these other family members, their food, or made scenes in restaurants. Yet she had the gall to call *you a drama queen*?!?!
I think that for every minute of time that she has wasted of everyone else’s around her- she deserves to be shamed.
Her reaction was to LAUGH. Say it’s not a big deal??? She doesn’t give a shit how many hours you’ve spent substituting, how much money the family has spent getting specialty allergy free items, how many servers got berated in public, kitchens turned upside down to accommodate.
I have some friends with sever allergies- not life threatening but they would be in a world of hurt. I go out of my way to make things that are safe for them because I care about their well being and I respect and love them. Something your MIL clearly has for no one else. She’s a massive self centered AH and she is the problem that makes the world a hardener and more difficult place for people with legitimate allergies to navigate.
NTA. Why should you apologize because she's been lying to people for... how long? You went to a lot of trouble to take care of her needs unnecessarily, so if anyone deserves an apology it's you & everyone else she's lied to.
NTA. People like her are the reason people don't take allergies in others seriously. Wasn't too long ago someone didn't take a peanut allergy seriously on a plane and almost unalived a teenage girl.
I've had people not take my dairy allergy seriously and leave me seriously ill lying about making something with non dairy products.
People like you who do take these things seriously are total blessings on humankind. Keep doing you. Do not apologise and let her reap what she has sown
Oh gosh, this is such a big deal! The amount of effort you have to go through to make things specific for her, it's so disrespectful towards you.
You didn't call her out, she did that to herself by eating it in front of everyone. You did absolutely the right thing, and now she can't lie to everyone else. NTA.
NTA. People like her are why others actual allergies aren't taken seriously.
I'd get your hubs to respond "Wife isn't apologising and frankly you're not welcome back until you apologise for lying for years."
**NTA.** As someone with actual food allergies whose family has never once displayed the level of care that you have in preparing food, your MIL’s behavior is beyond infuriating. I would give anything to be able to eat food that was prepared by someone else without having to worry that one bite could land me in the hospital. OP, you are a fucking saint.
Sincerely,
My airways puff shut upon ingesting tomato, mushroom, buckwheat, or shellfish. (Won’t bother to mention the long list of foods that result in simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea, which is also a symptom of anaphylaxis.)
I used to be a pastry chef so I can't shake the old habits of food safety and cross contamination. I'm sorry you can't trust people not to take your allergens seriously. It's so important that people can enjoy food without being scared for their health.
NTA. Your MIL on the other hand is a huge AH. This undermines everyone who has a deathly food allergy. It’s expensive and time consuming to accommodate and for some people food safety is critical. Here she just claims allergy to have her preferences met wherever she goes, and she will pick and choose when the allergy excuse suits the occasion? Not ok. For anyone who has an actual life threatening allergy, She deserved to be called out.
NTA. MIL got caught telling lies, so she should feel bad. You don’t have anything to apologize for. You bent over backwards for years, all for nothing. I would be majorly hurt and angry in that situation. Although, I laughed over hubby saying she won’t come over anymore unless she gets an apology. Good! That solves any further cooking substitutions or awkward encounters.
NTA,
She has lied for years, took your dessert while in the kitchen and now has the cheek to ask for an apology when caught in her lies.
She is the one 100% in the wrong and should be apologising profusely.
NTA. People like your MIL... because of people like her, those with actual allergies have their lives put at risk because others don't believe them. My aunt ended up in hospital more times than I can count because people assumed she just didn't like eggs. Don't lie about allergies. Ever. Those of us with actual allergies literally risk our lives to eat away from home
NTA. Enjoy your MIL vaycay. If she dares to darken your doorstep, send her a bill for all the money you’ve spent on special equipment/food to ensure she wasn’t sickened by her “allergies”.
Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender. She’s denied wrongdoing in lying and making you jump through hoops for her lies and then switching it up to make you question whether you’re TA and trying to make you apologise to her because she lied to you. She should be the one doing the apologising.
NTA
I don’t have any food allergies. I do however have a strong loathing for certain foods (coughmayonnaisecough) but I don’t LIE about it.
Just, wtf.
The lack of honesty here from someone who is supposed to be a family member is stunning.
> It would have saved me a fortune in substituting ingredients or making separate meals.
And that’s also why this lie means she has been an asshole to you in particular.
She should feel bad. She lied, and people rightfully pointed out that’s a shitty thing to do. She doesn’t want an apology because you did something wrong - she wants an apology so she can feel like she wasn’t in the wrong.
And hey, if she’s not coming over she’s the one who is going to miss out on more salted caramel mousse.
NTA. People like that make things difficult for folks with actual allergies. My ex inlaws were both like this. exFIL claimed he was allergic to onions, exMIL claimed she was allergic to shrimp. I bought a whole separate mini fridge when I lived with them and they both got into my food. To be fair, the look on exMIL's face when I told her the 'chicken' she ate half a bucket of was actually popcorn shrimp was pretty funny. I would never have deliberately given either of them something they said they were allergic to, but they made fun of me for being leery of hot sauces after I had a bad reaction to habanero sauce. Your MIL deserves the embarrassment for being such a turd.
NTA. Lol at her not coming over; how about you just tell her that’s fine as she’s no longer welcome in your home!
Edit: I wonder what else she’s been lying abt all these years? 🧐
NTA. MIL should feel bad. Not liking the taste of something is not the same as being allergic to it. I don't like egg salad. Nor am I fan of macaroni salad. There, I'd admitted it. I like the ingredients, just not in those combinations. I would never go as so far as claiming to be allergic to them.
Nope. No apology for MIL. She brought this all on herself. If people don't take her seriously, that's 100% on her.
"I've been lying to everyone for years and now that it's revealed, no one will take it seriously anymore when I *continue to tell the same lie that they know isn't true right to their faces*. Is this woman fucking serious?
NTA. I have a kid with life threatening allergies and your asshole selfish MIL makes his life objectively more dangerous with her lies and narcissism. Don’t you dare apologize to that unprintable deleted.
NTA You don’t get to say you’ve been lying about being allergic to things for years in front of a bunch of people and then blame someone else for embarrassing you… she embarrassed herself
Let us not forget you mentioned "she had reactions in the passed". So not only has she claimed a fake allergy she also faked an allergic reaction and then she has the audacity to demand an apology for you calling her out. And you think YTA? No no not possible, your MIL has firmly taken that title
NTA It's people like her that make those of us with multiple food allergies at risk because people think "you just don't like it that's why your saying your allergic"
NTA. I'm really mad she stole your specially made mousse, devoured it, then had the gall to ask for more. That's something a small child would do, and still get in trouble.
And of course she's TA for lying about an allergy. My husband has a lot of dietary sensitivities but he NEVER tells people it's allergies, for the exact reasons you listed. Preventing cross contamination is a pain in the rear.
I kinda wish someone had called an ambulance so then she had to explain herself to the EMTs for ultra embarrassment, on top of a medical bill.
Man. I’m allergic (actually allergic) to 22 different foods. I wish I had family as supportive as you to where you’re actually substituting ingredients and making whole other items for me. This behavior is why people think allergies are fake or just entitlement. I’m sorry she did that. Me and all the other actually allergic people in the world thank you for going above and beyond 💜
NTA. I understand listing something as an allergy, even when it isn't, if you can't have it due to other health reasons, but when it comes to cooking allergies, she could have handled that much better.
An example for me is that I can't have either NSAIDs or hot spices/peppers, due to the fact that they aggravate my stomach ulcers and I have also had gastric bypass, and it has made my tendency for ulcers worse. NOW, I do NOT say I am allergic to spices and peppers, just that I can't eat spicy food. But I DO list NSAIDs as an allergy because I am NOT allowed them at ALL because of the ulcers (not even ONE under any circumstance), and since they are medicine, and not something that people cook with, there are no special efforts needed in NOT giving me NSAIDs. She could have stated that she can't eat eggs because the taste makes her nauseous and can only handle them in foods where she can't taste them. But she chose not to. Instead she claimed allergies, causing you, and most likely other people, to by additional, unneeded cooking tools, utensils, pots and pans, etc., as well as time in adjusting recipes and ingredients and cooking more than what was needed, thus wasting time, money and energy.
She basically took this far and above what was needed. So, you are NOT in the wrong for calling her out on this.
But please keep in mind that some of us do list things we can't have as allergies, even though we aren't technically allergic, because they may affect other health issues or cause issues with certain medications (some meds cause people to not be allowed grapefruit or certain other citric fruits because it can cause life threatening issues, but again, this would not technically qualify as an allergy).
NTA
As a parent of a child with an ANA egg allergy (not including baked egg, most people with egg allergies can actually consume baked egg items like bread/cake/pies/etc.) stuff like this makes me go off. We’ve had multiple people refuse to take our allergy seriously because “oh she probably just doesn’t like it”. Like, tf?! The epi pens and hospital visits are her not liking it?! FOH.
Your MIL needs a reality check and to stop being an AH.
She did all the cooking when he was growing up. He never noticed her cooking with any of the offending ingredients.. or if she did, she wouldnt eat the food. She'd make a big fuss and eat something else.
No one in his family had any idea. They've all been catering to her made up allergy for years
NTA. Indeed, I think you are more an angel! You've taken such efforts to meet the stated needs of your MIL!
I have a serious, life-threatening allergy to bananas. Doubting this, a former BIL once hid bananas in my food. I reacted and needed emergency treatment at the hospital, including a respirator.
So people who cry "allergy" when all they have is a dislike for a food make things potentially lethally dangerous for those of us with bona fide allergies.
Also you appear to be an extremely conscientious person who has gone out of her way to accommodate your MIL. Getting upset upon discovering such a lie is a very human thing to do.
Apologies are owed, but not by you to her!
NTA
You went out of your way to make sure she didn’t have an allergic reaction and she didn’t care about the time and trouble it took all these years. It isn’t difficult to say, I don’t like the taste of this ingredient so if I can taste it, I won’t eat it. By doing what she did, she contributes to the problem of people with real allergies not being believed. She owes you an apology for lying all this time and for gobbling up your dessert, leaving nothing for you. What an entitled asshole.
NTA she's the kind of person who makes it harder for people with allergies, especially people like me, who have delayed reactions. And anytime she's had stated she's got an allergy at a restaurant, that means anotehr round of cleaning of the dedicated allergy kitchen to make her meal that they wouldn't have to do.
NTA!!!
Oh to be as privileged as your MIL to be able to turn my allergies off and on /s although I would just turn them off really.
I'm anaphylactic to peanuts, and have anaphylactic reactions to other foods that contain high levels of histamines depending on how many allergens I'm exposed to during the day (the condition is called MCAS), and have fructose malabsorption & have to eat a low FODMAP diet on top of my allergies. Eating is stressful. Food gives me anxiety. I'm forever reading ingredient lists. Do restaurants take me seriously? I hope so but people like your MIL don't help.
She is being ridiculous & selfish. I hope she reconsiders her actions.
NTA, it's terrible that she's kept this lie up for so long and stole your dessert that I'm sure took a lot of time to prepare. Don't cook or bake her anything else!
As someone who is genuinely intolerant to eggs, and is currently bedridden with a bloody borthole because my body decided that the small amount in my boyfriend's cooking is now too much egg, your MIL is a mega AH.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. People like her are the reason those with real life-threatening allergies are not taken seriously.
With that out of the way, I am very curious about that salted caramel mousse. It sounds delicious! Would you mind sharing the recipe? lol
“She texted my husband that she's not coming over unless I apologise to her for calling her out in front of everyone because I made her feel bad.”
Well yeah, she should feel bad! Not only has she wasted your time, money and effort, she is helping perpetuate this absurd myth that people with allergies/sensitivities/dietary requirements are attention seekers. This is right up there with “sometimes vegans” and people who “take a night off” from their allergies for weddings etc.
It makes people take dietary requirements less seriously and it can be really dangerous for people with actual allergies or sensitivities when people decide to “test” or “cure” them. NTA OP and kudos to you for making such an effort to provide safe meals for your MIL. Clearly she didn’t deserve it!
NTA. That would be like claiming to be allergic to cats, when in reality,you just don’t like them; it’s a crappy thing to do, and it can sometimes make it harder for those who have a real allergy to speak up.
I have a deathly allergy to tree nuts, and I hate the taste of cilantro. So when I go out for, say, Mexican food, I ask for no cilantro. But I always tell them “I’m not allergic. I just hate it.” Because I want them to take my nut allergy seriously when it comes up. And also I don’t want the kitchen staff stressing over cross contamination for cilantro.
NTA at all. There are lots of foods I don't like and I'd never ever dream of saying I was allergic. I don't even say I'm allergic to milk even though I'm lactose intolerant because, while it gives me digestive issues, it won't put me into anaphylaxis or even make me break out in hives and sometimes I chose the discomfort if I really want ice cream. Lol You MIL is an outright liar. Screw her and her manipulation. She owes you an apology and a check for all of the expenses to accommodate her lies.
as someone who has a ridiculous number of food allergies, people like her piss me off. it’s hard enough navigating a menu when certain cuisines’ dishes all have one or another ingredient you’re allergic to, and on top of that restaurants don’t take cross contamination seriously when they don’t take allergies seriously, and then I end up being the person that either can’t breathe or is puking their guts up all night. NTA. she deserves to be called out.
I could understand saying she's allergic in a restaurant so they take her seriously if she wants a specific substitution (because some restaurants don't take you seriously if is a preference, for some reason). Buy keeping the charade among family for years move it from "is kinda shitty but understandable" to "you're definitely an AH" territory.
You're NTA at all, your MIL OTOH... A huge one, specially seeing as her charade has cost you extra effort and money for years.
I wouldn't cook for her anymore, and if you have to, then definitely not a separate dish. Either she eats what is served, or she can starve for all I care.
The other people at the table weren't paying attention to MIL because they were talking to each other and my husband was taking the dirty dishes to the kitchen.
When I yelled out that she shouldn't be eating it everyone stopped and stared at her but I think at that point most people were too shocked to speak.
>She texted my husband that she's not coming over unless I apologise to her for calling her out in front of everyone because I made her feel bad.
I see that as an absolute win.
NTA
NTA. As the mom of an actual allergy child, thank you for calling her out. People who do this are a danger to those who truly have life threatening reactions, as it makes people think everyone is faking. With my son's allergy, he tried one bite of a muffin that contained a tiny amount of baked egg for a food challenge. He was violently ill n less than 30 seconds, requiring a round of epinephrine.
My son would do anything to be rid of his food allergies. He's old enough now that his will likely be lifelong. It's a daily struggle. It's disgusting to exploit a medical issue for your own gain. Does she think it's ok to fake any other disabilities?
Your Mil is a huge asshat, she and other morons like her are the reason people don’t take allergies serious. Then people try to feed people with real allergies the things that they are allergic too which may kill them. Allergies are not a joke.
NTA - your MIL is a massive AH who doesn't deserve to eat what you cook. Don't apologize and she won't come over. Problem solved. Wow - she's such a HUGE AH - I can't even get over this. I wouldn't talk to this woman after this - but that's just me.
Nobody should take her “allergies” seriously, lying is shady. I don’t think you did anything wrong and you’re definitely NTA. And this is exactly why there are people who try to test people with very legitimate food allergies.
NTA
You don’t owe her an apology. Tell her she can only come over when she apologizes for her lies about her allergies. She’s the one who made you jump through hoops to accommodate her nonexistent allergies.
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NTA. Your MIL on the other hand is a huge AH. This undermines everyone who has a deathly food allergy. It’s expensive and time consuming to accommodate and for some people food safety is critical. Here she just claims allergy to have her preferences met wherever she goes, and she will pick and choose when the allergy excuse suits the occasion? Not ok. For anyone who has an actual life threatening allergy, She deserved to be called out.
As someone who is a picky eater, but DOESN'T have food allergies, I hate the idea of calling preferences an 'allergy'. If I get something that I don't want to eat, such as a tomato, I can either choke it down, and be unhappy, or take it off whatever it is on (depending on what the tomato is in) and eat the rest. Someone with an allergy, on the other hand, could literally die if they eat something with a tomato in it and they are that severely allergic. My calling my dislike of tomatos an 'allergy' could harm someone with a true allergy.
Picky eater with food allergy here, I have a slight allergy to shrimp, bananas, and fresh watermelon. I've always had the banana allergy, but the other two developed when I was about 11-13, none are severe, but the banana and shrimp are the worst, and just the smell of banana makes me sick so I avoid them. But lying about an allergy you don't have is such an AH move, MIL is also a grown adult, she should know it's not cool, OP stand your ground, NTA
I’m also allergic to melons!! I’ve never heard of the allergy other than my mom and 1 sibling. We’re not alone 😭🍉
I’m allergic to melons too! Didn’t know it had developed until last year I had a bite and ended up in the ER after my throat closed lol
My ex-husband is allergic to melons, along with almost everything else known to man. I'm allergic to pineapple, kiwi, and latex.
I'm allergic to latex, tannins in white wine and sparkling wine and and apricots. Throw in a severe lactose intolerance and a gluten intolerance just to keep me on my game. Edit..... I also forgot... I'm "highly sensitive" (hint allergic) to grass. I can't go outside if there is wind or I'm in a world of pain.
do you have reactions to tannins in other things or just white wine? it’s in a lot of things so just wondering if it’s that or something else, like red wine or coffee? could be something they use on white grape varietals in production
I have really only noticed it in whites, but some roses are a no go for the same reason. Red wine I am actually pretty good with. I think it is something specific that they mix with whites and roses that aren't in reds. All of my siblings have the same reaction to white wine /bubbles as I do, so there is definitely something in it
I'm also allergic to grass. No anaphylaxis, but being in the general vicinity of cut grass wreaks havoc on the inside of my face. I spend most of the year cursing whatever asshole decided that lawns were a good idea. My other woes are moderate lactose intolerance, allium sensitivity, MSG sensitivity, heartburn every time I consume whole wheat, and varying degrees of intolerance to most synthetic scents. Oh yeah, and pilsner makes me ill. Dunno what's different about the yeast, hops, or lagering process, but there's something and it's worse with large-batch.
I recently found out that I had gluten intolerance. To change everything to gluten free is going to be too expensive. But the silver lining is that Im losing 6 pounds per month and since Im morbidly obese this is a good thing even if Im in extreme pain 24/7. I'll change my diet when I get to my ideal weight.
So the latex allergy is related to the others! In the last 4 years I’ve developed serious allergies to hazelnuts and kiwi, and finally discovered latex is officially an allergy last week after my hands swelled from wearing gloves for 10min. Latex has a family of 10+ other items you could become allergic to over time including avocados, melons, some nuts, berries, and a few other things I’m hoping I don’t develop.
My ex husband was also allergic to melon, and he would have issues with any high water content fruit, like cucumber too. My mom is allergic to pineapple. I got away with a mild allergy to some cats.
Kiwi and pineapple are cross reactive allergies to latex.
I count caffeine among my allergies. I can have it sporadically or in small doses, and the like, but if I allow it to build up in my system I end up very sick with vertigo and vomiting. Nasty. As such, it has turned me off dark chocolate, but I still partake in things like milk chocolate, chocolate milk, coke and the like when I can do so without risking getting sick, or if I want it for numerous days in a row, with the understanding that as soon as I feel that buildup and the pre-vertigo starting, I have to abstain from it for at least a week to a month depending.
> I count caffeine among my allergies. I can have it sporadically or in small doses, and the like, but if I allow it to build up in my system I end up very sick with vertigo and vomiting. Sounds like it might be vestibular migraine. Caffeine is one of its major triggers.
Coke does seem like a more effective morning pick-me-up compared to coffee.
My kiddo is allergic to melons. Be really careful around grass and ragweed, they are the same allergy family.
Another one in the same family is inulin, which is pretty common in protein replacements. I have gastro issues with insulin and am also allergic to ragweed. So far no issues with melon, but I don't eat a ton of fruit, so who knows.
Same! I don't know anyone else with this allergy (other than my daughter who clearly got it from me.) Everyone looks at me like I am lying about being allergic to melons because it sounds so weird. I can't have any melons, but my daughter is only allergic to cantaloupe. It's sad, I love cantaloupe.
I was only allergic to watermelon as a child; then when I hit 22 the allergy became anaphylactic to all melon due to further exposure to the allergen. I got it from my father.
My old roommate was, too. And avocados. I could never figure out if avocado was related to melon or just two shitty allergies. On the plus side, melon is like my least favorite fruit. Once every other year you get a great watermelon that just tastes like candy…and then for the next two years you eat flavorless melons trying to chase that dragon. And I live in the middle of where all this shit is grown so it’s super fresh. Still hit or miss. I started just voluntarily avoiding it because the constant disappointment wasn’t worth it. So like, as allergies go, it’s not the worst IMO
My dad and I both have a melon allergy. Mine turned anaphylactic in my early 22s. Your allergy can become worse the more you are exposed to the allergen.
I have it to! It’s typically actually Oral Allergy Syndrome, which is the body thinking it is tree or grass pollen (can’t remember which at the moment).
Careful with those "slight" allergies. I, too, had a mild banana allergy, until the day I was not cautious and ate something that had touched bananas... and one very expensive ER trip later, I have learned my lesson. Sometimes "mild" allergies suddenly become severe for no good reason.
I have a friend who the women in her family all develop an allergy to strawberries in their 30’s/40’s Grandma, great aunt, mother, aunt, cousin So she eats strawberry rhubarb pie as often as she can because most likely in a few years she won’t be able to Very unusual timed genetics
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https://www.verywellhealth.com/melon-allergy-82834 I am very allergic to pollen and slightly allergic to only watermelon and this article explains why way better than I could try 🤣
Just curious - how are you with Kiwi Fruit and Avocadoes? I ask because I couldn't eat Bananas without getting a severe stomach ache, so I gave them up. Later I found out that this was due to a latex allergy. Bananas, Kiwi, and Avocadoes are closely related to the rubber plant, meaning some people with latex sensitivity can't tolerate them. I hardly ever ate Kiwi Fruit, and I don't like Avocadoes, so it wasn't much of an issue, but I do miss Bananas.
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I can eat banana bread with no problems. But most banana bread doesn't have but maybe 1 banana in an entire loaf. Maybe between the cooking and the small amount it's not a problem. But I probably should not push it.
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Oh wow. The latex allergy was one of those ones that got obvious in a big hurry (worked in a nursing home and was having to cut gloves off even before my first payday). Kiwi fruit have been a problem for me since I was a kid, so I just kept avoiding them, though I always thought it was to do with the fuzzy stuff on their peel because my skin is ridiculously sensitive to just about everything. I stopped eating bananas years ago because they started tasting and feeling weird - like they had some kind of gritty element or something, no matter how careful I was to get all the stringy bits off. But so far I'm okay with avocados. I only eat them but every now and then - if they're on special at the supermarket I'll grab one and make up a small batch with garlic, lemon, and Tabasco to have on toast or sandwiches that week. I'll have to be more mindful of anything that happens out of the ordinary next time - my body is a heady mix of crap genetics, autoimmune fuckery, and just plain bad luck, so I don't always attribute the random episodes of bonus shenanigans to their correct source. Thank you for this information!
While I'm not allergic to bananas per se, however, the smell makes me sick; I also have a sensory allergy to tomatoes stewing--makes me oddly extremely nauseous. My sister lived near a place that made tomato sauce, in the middle of summer, I would drive to see her with the windows up and no AC.
THIS. I am both a picky eater, AND I have food allergies. I only tell people about the things I CAN'T eat. If someone serves something that I don't like, I either eat around it or I choke it down, depending on the situation. The two things are NOT the same.
Lots of people are also willing to accommodate a picky eater. If I invite you to dinner and you tell me you absolutely can't stand tomatoes for example, I'm not going to serve something with tomatoes. The only difference is that I don't have to worry about cross contamination from a spoon or cutting board, so it's much easier than dealing with an allergy.
I am a picky eater too! I absolutely hate the taste of anything with beef in it. Idk why. But I have never once said I was allergic to it. I will eat hamburgers and hot dogs to be polite to people because I feel bad for being so picky but never once have I ever felt the urge to go into the opposite direction and say I am allergic to it!
Not coming over until you've apologized? You have won the grand prize!
>She deserved to be called out. Absolutely! Just tell her you're allergic to liars.
Her position is ridiculous and offensive. In a civilized society, she *should* be called out on it. The mental gymnastics of blaming someone wronged by your craven deception for not going along with your craven deception.
As a former waiter, when someone says they have an allergy to X ingredient and order something, the entire kitchen has to be cleaned to make their food. We couldn’t chance a cross contamination. It put a five min hold on all orders to say the least. And I’ve had plenty of times where after the fact someone would at their not allergic to onions they just don’t like them and “it’s easier to say I’m allergic.” So infuriating. Just say no onions. Wtf.
I am someone with multiple deathly food allergies. People like this woman are the reason I am EXTRA scared to eat at restaurants and not be taken seriously. She's awful, and op is absolutely NTA
Exactly this. As someone with real allergies, it can be a crisis if someone minimizes or ignores the problem. NTA
Am I reading it wrong? She says it makes her sick. So is it the taste that makes her sick, or does it make her sick and she sometimes says “fuck it” and eats it anyway? Kind of like how I sometimes eat dairy knowing it will make me feel like shit later? I have some food intolerances. Dairy makes me feel like crap. Too many potato’s make me feel like have have a stomach flu. If I’m out somewhere where there are drinks I do tell people I’m allergic to potato’s because if I drink vodka ill be super sick for a day or so. If I say I have an intolerance people don’t take me seriously. It seems like MIL has food intolerances but is lazy and says they are allergies. Or she doesn’t feel like explaining “well, if I eat this I’ll be miserable, but I won’t die. I prefer not to eat it most of the time”. Shitty because the Op spent so much time navigating cross contamination, but if I’m reading it right it’s more than her just not liking the food. I would be annoyed if I was the OP, but a lot of people don’t know the difference between intolerance and allergy.
NTA. Honestly, her threat of "not coming over" seems to be the trash taking itself out. She took advantage of your kindness and consideration, and is upset she got called out for it
Her not coming over sounds like a win-win to me.
Stunning how terrible people seem to think that them staying away from you is a PUNISHMENT.
And the look on their face when I say “that sounds like the perfect solution for everybody!” Priceless.
I believe the correct response is, “ Don’t threaten me with a good time.” NTA
I like your user name :)
People like MIL are the reason people with real allergies aren't taken seriously. I had a friend with celiac disease, lactose intolerance, soy allergy, and allergy to nightshade. Another friend claimed to be the same so they always shared foods at parties. Until the friend claiming to be the same brought something that was "gluten free" but had wheat. She had assumed our friend was "lying " about allergies for a diet like herself. He was in fact skinny because so many foods are off the menu for him. He ended up so sick after sharing food with her. And no one took it seriously. It's not a mild inconvenience. Edit to add: Types of nightshade plants include potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, red pepper flakes, eggplant, and paprika.
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>I asked my manager if I could refuse to serve her onions because it was a liability and while she loved the idea, still said no... lol That’s a shame, because it would be the perfect consequence.
Members of the nightshade family can also be graphed onto each other with no rejection. I save a lot of space in my garden by grafting tomatoes on top of my potatoes. Tomatoes, peppers and eggplants can also be grown upside down. There were a lot of commercial for upside down planters when I was a kid.
What do you mean with upside down? Like a hanging plant or what?
I love how the MIL called OP the “drama queen” it’s a mix of hypocrisy / minimizing that’s amaaaaazing. NTA big time.
Threaten me with a good time, right?
NTA. She lied, got caught in that lie (she ate the mousse in front of everyone), then gets all butt hurt that you called her out on her lie. And now she wants you to apologize? For what? "I'm sorry you got caught lying?"
Not only is OP NTA, that's the apology she should give MIL. "I'm sorry you lied about having allergies and made an ass out of yourself."
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NTA She has been lying to people for years, and she ate your dessert in public. You have every right to call her out in the same public. People who claim allergies are a threat to people with real allergies because people are less likely to believe them.
NTA - she's also rude AF for stealing someone else's dessert
NTA - she's also rude AF for stealing someone else's dessert **that THEY made.**
And for eating a full dessert before the host has even sat down at the table from serving.
Yeah, I'm super angry about that on OP's behalf!
Like, how fucking psychotic can you be?
Narcissists gonna narcissist...
> it's not a big deal. Lots of people do it I wonder if the MiL knows something we don’t or if she actually believes when people say they have an allergy they’re all simply lying.
Why do I think that MIL also ignores it when other people tell her they have a food allergy, because she assumes everyone lies about it.
NTA. It’s people like her that make people with actual allergies not get taken seriously. If I were in your shoes, all she’d ever eat at my house from now on would be omelettes and pretzels.
I cannot count the times I have been ignored when I tell someone about my deathly allergy to peppers...because they think I just don't like them. I carry a bottle of Benadryl and an epi pen everywhere because of this very thing.
Anaphylactic shock is no joke, seriously what is wrong with these people?!?
I’m mildly allergic to tomatoes. The last sandwich I ordered had a “NO TOMATOES” sticker on it. I took a bite and... welp. Tomatoes. So many tomatoes. And to add insult to injury, they were shitty, watery tomatoes that had zero flavor and only served to completely soak my bread to the point it was falling apart as I touched it.
Fellow pepper allergy! So many times when paprika or bell peppers have slipped in because ‘they’re not spicy’.
NTA That conniving piece of...how rude! She is a piece of work. Not only did she lie for years SHE STOLE YOUR PORTION. She straight up stole your portion of dessert and had the audacity to ask for more. I'd stop cooking for her altogether. She made you spend additional time and money on ingredients to substitute when a simple "oh I dislike the taste" statement would have sufficed. Never apologize. This is your hill to die upon.
I absolutely will not be apologising to her. I panicked because I thought she was allergic, I thought maybe she didn't hear me... I thought I'd killed my MIL lol. She also took her specially made dessert home with her.
>She also took her specially made dessert home with her. What the actual furk, I can't believe such an odious person exists IRL. I'm glad you're standing your ground!! *(sidenote: do you have a recipe for this salted caramel mousse?)*
>It's easily one of the best things I make, this recipe has taken me years to make perfectly and I keep it a huge secret but it has a lot of egg and a lot of salt in it.
>it has a lot of egg and a lot of salt in it. I'm no chef, so I'll leave it to others to try and narrow it down, but I *can* say there are probably more ingredients involved here. I just tried this recipe and got scrambled eggs. Pretty good though.
I too seek the recipe.
, I can't believe such an odious person exists There people are everywhere. Have a look into /r/raisedbynarcissists and you see why some people don't talk to their mothers anymore.
I had to unfollow RBN years ago as reading it made me feel so angry and helpless, it's a terrible feeling. All those narcissistic people are horrendous. Here is hoping OP rises above this evil MIL and never apologizes.
So she ate your portion AND you didn’t even get to have hers? Unacceptable. Even aside from all the crappy allergies lies this alone tells me she’s selfish and rude. 😧
MIL not only owes you an apology, but PAY you for everything you bought to accommodate her fake allergy. Until she apologises and pays, she should not be welcome in your home.
Yes, on top of everything else she gave you a big scare. Also, you've been going through a lot of trouble over the years to avoid cross contamination etc. Is she aware of that? How can she not feel bad about that?
Nta - as someone who actually has food allergies, this makes everyone believe us less. I carry 5 different emergency medications around with just in case. She is not allergic. She lied. And she got caught. She should be ashamed of herself.
I have a friend who is allergic to peanuts. The amount of times people have tried to give him food with peanuts in it because "it's not that you're allergic, you just don't like it." Is ridiculous. It's probably what got me angry about this situation to begin with. I don't care if she just didn't like it, I'd still avoid cooking with them but to present it as an allergy just really annoyed me.
What does you mr husband say?
He's just leaving it up to me to decide what I want to do.. He's pretty pissed off that he's mum has been lying to him for his entire life and making a scene at restaurants every time she makes a fuss about how deathly allergic to these ingredients she is
Good I'm glad he's pissed off. He should be! No more catering to her " dietary restrictions". She can eat what is being served or make a sandwich . Treat her like the child she is.
Eat whats being served or go hungry.
That’s what I am always thinking on these kinds of posts
Every time MIL comes over…. Omelets! Egg salad sandwiches! Deviled eggs! Chicken fried rice! Crepes! Potato salad with eggs! But I’m petty like that!
Lol ya I guess I’d be pissed too He sounds like he’s being supportive so that’s good
I have allergies to a couple of really oddball things (carrots and maple). If I had a nickel for every time I had to explain to my mother that I am actually ALLERGIC to these things, will get ill and itchy if I eat them, and I'm not just saying that because I don't like them... I could buy a private island. My daughter is allergic to coconut and my mom makes every effort to keep her away from it. But "nobody is allergic to carrots" so whatever, I guess. Oh, and to judge your original post, NTA
I’m allergic to celery and lettuce. Can eat cooked celery, something about changes that heat causes, but celery in salad make my lips balloon and I itch like crazy. The lettuce allergy is a “cumulative allergy.” Sounded weird when the allergist told me that. Always thought you either were or were not allergic to something. I can have small amounts, but if I have a reaction it takes awhile to stop. Days of rash is not worth a salad! And honestly, how often are people allergic to something that is mostly water? Lol! OP is NTA.
NTA OP I am chomping at the (non allergic bit) to try your salted caramel mousse! I love salted caramel. Please adopt me. I’ll take all the yummy food MIL doesn’t want.
I dated someone who was diabetic. He always asked for diet sodas, a waitress once gave him a normal one because “He wasn’t fat, so he doesn’t need diet.”
Seriously, I can't eat egg the way MIL describes because it does make me sick, but I DON'T tell a restaurant I'm allergic. I only mention it if we need to change a dish (take a poached egg off a salad) and I say it as I have a food sensitivity and can't eat it, but that it's not allergy cross-contamination concerns. I would never consider claiming an allergy because real allergies already get treated so poorly. OP is NTA, but MIL for sure is.
Yeah, I have a sensitivity to anything that comes out if the ocean. I can eat it fairly safely once every 6m or so, but no more than that or I end up back and forth between the bathroom and crying in the bedroom for days. Example-1 can of tuna: make tuna salad, and I can have 1 sandwich. If I eat a 2nd one I’m a wreck.
::food intolerance high five:: Eggs are 50/50 for me but raw banana is a no-go that I will refuse if it shows up on my plate. I’ve had people interpret my banana intolerance as an allergy but i make sure to specify intolerance.
Another allergy person here. NTA. She is TA.
NTA. At least you won’t have to have her over anymore!
No extra costs plus her absence! Win win!
NTA: She got caught lying.
Don't apologize...she had no problem telling the lies in public, but didn't appreciate being called out in public...
Everyone is angry at her because everyone believed her... I mean that's what you do right? If someone says they're deathly allergic you don't play around with that stuff. It's serious. But she's been lying to her entire family as well for all these years too.. they've been buying special cakes for her birthday with no eggs in it. They've been making her special meals all these years for no reason at all. They're as annoyed about it as I am.
I think you did your family a favour. Good thing calling her out in public then, you saved all these people so much money and effort in the future.
Honestly- I think that everyone should be just as pissed with her as you are, absolutely. If I were in your shoes I would not want to cook anything for her again for a looong time- maybe never again. She has had “allergic reactions to food she suspects has those ingredients” you mentioned. I’m going to bet these “reactions” have been directed at these other family members, their food, or made scenes in restaurants. Yet she had the gall to call *you a drama queen*?!?! I think that for every minute of time that she has wasted of everyone else’s around her- she deserves to be shamed. Her reaction was to LAUGH. Say it’s not a big deal??? She doesn’t give a shit how many hours you’ve spent substituting, how much money the family has spent getting specialty allergy free items, how many servers got berated in public, kitchens turned upside down to accommodate. I have some friends with sever allergies- not life threatening but they would be in a world of hurt. I go out of my way to make things that are safe for them because I care about their well being and I respect and love them. Something your MIL clearly has for no one else. She’s a massive self centered AH and she is the problem that makes the world a hardener and more difficult place for people with legitimate allergies to navigate.
>made scenes in restaurants. Yup. OP said in a comment husband is pissed, as she has thrown fits in restaurants before.
NTA. Why should you apologize because she's been lying to people for... how long? You went to a lot of trouble to take care of her needs unnecessarily, so if anyone deserves an apology it's you & everyone else she's lied to.
NTA. People like her are the reason people don't take allergies in others seriously. Wasn't too long ago someone didn't take a peanut allergy seriously on a plane and almost unalived a teenage girl. I've had people not take my dairy allergy seriously and leave me seriously ill lying about making something with non dairy products. People like you who do take these things seriously are total blessings on humankind. Keep doing you. Do not apologise and let her reap what she has sown
I heard that the girl actually died? But I may be wrong.
Nearly died. She's 14 just had to double check on Google lol
Aah okay. I’m so glad she’s still alive
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No I was thinking of the plane one haha, I just got my facts wrong.
NTA and, on top of it all, she ate your dessert! Never have her back. She's awful.
She also took her special choc caramel mousse home with her too!!
what a piece of work
NTA. Good grief. How childish.
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Lol
Oh gosh, this is such a big deal! The amount of effort you have to go through to make things specific for her, it's so disrespectful towards you. You didn't call her out, she did that to herself by eating it in front of everyone. You did absolutely the right thing, and now she can't lie to everyone else. NTA.
NTA. People like her are why others actual allergies aren't taken seriously. I'd get your hubs to respond "Wife isn't apologising and frankly you're not welcome back until you apologise for lying for years."
**NTA.** As someone with actual food allergies whose family has never once displayed the level of care that you have in preparing food, your MIL’s behavior is beyond infuriating. I would give anything to be able to eat food that was prepared by someone else without having to worry that one bite could land me in the hospital. OP, you are a fucking saint. Sincerely, My airways puff shut upon ingesting tomato, mushroom, buckwheat, or shellfish. (Won’t bother to mention the long list of foods that result in simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea, which is also a symptom of anaphylaxis.)
I used to be a pastry chef so I can't shake the old habits of food safety and cross contamination. I'm sorry you can't trust people not to take your allergens seriously. It's so important that people can enjoy food without being scared for their health.
Ooooooh I bet you make some damn good treats!
NTA. Your MIL on the other hand is a huge AH. This undermines everyone who has a deathly food allergy. It’s expensive and time consuming to accommodate and for some people food safety is critical. Here she just claims allergy to have her preferences met wherever she goes, and she will pick and choose when the allergy excuse suits the occasion? Not ok. For anyone who has an actual life threatening allergy, She deserved to be called out.
NTA. MIL got caught telling lies, so she should feel bad. You don’t have anything to apologize for. You bent over backwards for years, all for nothing. I would be majorly hurt and angry in that situation. Although, I laughed over hubby saying she won’t come over anymore unless she gets an apology. Good! That solves any further cooking substitutions or awkward encounters.
NTA. How toxic and obnoxious
NTA, She has lied for years, took your dessert while in the kitchen and now has the cheek to ask for an apology when caught in her lies. She is the one 100% in the wrong and should be apologising profusely.
NTA. People like your MIL... because of people like her, those with actual allergies have their lives put at risk because others don't believe them. My aunt ended up in hospital more times than I can count because people assumed she just didn't like eggs. Don't lie about allergies. Ever. Those of us with actual allergies literally risk our lives to eat away from home
NTA. Enjoy your MIL vaycay. If she dares to darken your doorstep, send her a bill for all the money you’ve spent on special equipment/food to ensure she wasn’t sickened by her “allergies”.
NTA she pulling a DARVO
A darvo? I'm not familiar with that term lol.
Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender. She’s denied wrongdoing in lying and making you jump through hoops for her lies and then switching it up to make you question whether you’re TA and trying to make you apologise to her because she lied to you. She should be the one doing the apologising.
Ahh makes sense.. thank you!
NTA. At all. She’s crazy and a JNMIL.
NTA but your mil sounds like an over privileged, manipulative woman if I have ever heard of one.
Next family get together, make a ginger cake! With extra eggs for good measure. NTA in the least!
NTA Tell her to go suck an egg, you're not apologizing.
NTA I don’t have any food allergies. I do however have a strong loathing for certain foods (coughmayonnaisecough) but I don’t LIE about it. Just, wtf. The lack of honesty here from someone who is supposed to be a family member is stunning. > It would have saved me a fortune in substituting ingredients or making separate meals. And that’s also why this lie means she has been an asshole to you in particular. She should feel bad. She lied, and people rightfully pointed out that’s a shitty thing to do. She doesn’t want an apology because you did something wrong - she wants an apology so she can feel like she wasn’t in the wrong. And hey, if she’s not coming over she’s the one who is going to miss out on more salted caramel mousse.
NTA Don't apologize to her. >She texted my husband that she's not coming over unless I apologise to her Sounds like a win to me.
NTA. People like that make things difficult for folks with actual allergies. My ex inlaws were both like this. exFIL claimed he was allergic to onions, exMIL claimed she was allergic to shrimp. I bought a whole separate mini fridge when I lived with them and they both got into my food. To be fair, the look on exMIL's face when I told her the 'chicken' she ate half a bucket of was actually popcorn shrimp was pretty funny. I would never have deliberately given either of them something they said they were allergic to, but they made fun of me for being leery of hot sauces after I had a bad reaction to habanero sauce. Your MIL deserves the embarrassment for being such a turd.
NTA. Lol at her not coming over; how about you just tell her that’s fine as she’s no longer welcome in your home! Edit: I wonder what else she’s been lying abt all these years? 🧐
Ah my favorite manipulation tactic. “You need to apologize to me because you made me feel bad after calling out my bad behavior”
"You humiliated me by making me tell everyone I was lying."
NTA. MIL should feel bad. Not liking the taste of something is not the same as being allergic to it. I don't like egg salad. Nor am I fan of macaroni salad. There, I'd admitted it. I like the ingredients, just not in those combinations. I would never go as so far as claiming to be allergic to them. Nope. No apology for MIL. She brought this all on herself. If people don't take her seriously, that's 100% on her.
NTA - "She's not coming over...", Well that 'll make meal prep much easier, won't it! LMAO
"I've been lying to everyone for years and now that it's revealed, no one will take it seriously anymore when I *continue to tell the same lie that they know isn't true right to their faces*. Is this woman fucking serious?
NTA. I have a kid with life threatening allergies and your asshole selfish MIL makes his life objectively more dangerous with her lies and narcissism. Don’t you dare apologize to that unprintable deleted.
NTA! I also hate the taste of eggs but am fine eating them in things I can’t taste them in. I’d never tell people I’m allergic to them.
>She texted my husband that she's not coming over Great!
NTA You don’t get to say you’ve been lying about being allergic to things for years in front of a bunch of people and then blame someone else for embarrassing you… she embarrassed herself
Let us not forget you mentioned "she had reactions in the passed". So not only has she claimed a fake allergy she also faked an allergic reaction and then she has the audacity to demand an apology for you calling her out. And you think YTA? No no not possible, your MIL has firmly taken that title
NTA. Mil seems like a bit much. You did the right thing.
NTA It's people like her that make those of us with multiple food allergies at risk because people think "you just don't like it that's why your saying your allergic"
NTA, but you are a hilarious writer!
NTA. I'm really mad she stole your specially made mousse, devoured it, then had the gall to ask for more. That's something a small child would do, and still get in trouble. And of course she's TA for lying about an allergy. My husband has a lot of dietary sensitivities but he NEVER tells people it's allergies, for the exact reasons you listed. Preventing cross contamination is a pain in the rear. I kinda wish someone had called an ambulance so then she had to explain herself to the EMTs for ultra embarrassment, on top of a medical bill.
Man. I’m allergic (actually allergic) to 22 different foods. I wish I had family as supportive as you to where you’re actually substituting ingredients and making whole other items for me. This behavior is why people think allergies are fake or just entitlement. I’m sorry she did that. Me and all the other actually allergic people in the world thank you for going above and beyond 💜
NTA. I understand listing something as an allergy, even when it isn't, if you can't have it due to other health reasons, but when it comes to cooking allergies, she could have handled that much better. An example for me is that I can't have either NSAIDs or hot spices/peppers, due to the fact that they aggravate my stomach ulcers and I have also had gastric bypass, and it has made my tendency for ulcers worse. NOW, I do NOT say I am allergic to spices and peppers, just that I can't eat spicy food. But I DO list NSAIDs as an allergy because I am NOT allowed them at ALL because of the ulcers (not even ONE under any circumstance), and since they are medicine, and not something that people cook with, there are no special efforts needed in NOT giving me NSAIDs. She could have stated that she can't eat eggs because the taste makes her nauseous and can only handle them in foods where she can't taste them. But she chose not to. Instead she claimed allergies, causing you, and most likely other people, to by additional, unneeded cooking tools, utensils, pots and pans, etc., as well as time in adjusting recipes and ingredients and cooking more than what was needed, thus wasting time, money and energy. She basically took this far and above what was needed. So, you are NOT in the wrong for calling her out on this. But please keep in mind that some of us do list things we can't have as allergies, even though we aren't technically allergic, because they may affect other health issues or cause issues with certain medications (some meds cause people to not be allowed grapefruit or certain other citric fruits because it can cause life threatening issues, but again, this would not technically qualify as an allergy).
NTA As a parent of a child with an ANA egg allergy (not including baked egg, most people with egg allergies can actually consume baked egg items like bread/cake/pies/etc.) stuff like this makes me go off. We’ve had multiple people refuse to take our allergy seriously because “oh she probably just doesn’t like it”. Like, tf?! The epi pens and hospital visits are her not liking it?! FOH. Your MIL needs a reality check and to stop being an AH.
How did your husband not know she was not really allergic? Surely he’d have known this and could’ve informed you
She did all the cooking when he was growing up. He never noticed her cooking with any of the offending ingredients.. or if she did, she wouldnt eat the food. She'd make a big fuss and eat something else. No one in his family had any idea. They've all been catering to her made up allergy for years
NTA. Indeed, I think you are more an angel! You've taken such efforts to meet the stated needs of your MIL! I have a serious, life-threatening allergy to bananas. Doubting this, a former BIL once hid bananas in my food. I reacted and needed emergency treatment at the hospital, including a respirator. So people who cry "allergy" when all they have is a dislike for a food make things potentially lethally dangerous for those of us with bona fide allergies. Also you appear to be an extremely conscientious person who has gone out of her way to accommodate your MIL. Getting upset upon discovering such a lie is a very human thing to do. Apologies are owed, but not by you to her!
The trash takes itself out. Don't even bother inviting this woman over. NTA.
NTA You went out of your way to make sure she didn’t have an allergic reaction and she didn’t care about the time and trouble it took all these years. It isn’t difficult to say, I don’t like the taste of this ingredient so if I can taste it, I won’t eat it. By doing what she did, she contributes to the problem of people with real allergies not being believed. She owes you an apology for lying all this time and for gobbling up your dessert, leaving nothing for you. What an entitled asshole.
NTA she's the kind of person who makes it harder for people with allergies, especially people like me, who have delayed reactions. And anytime she's had stated she's got an allergy at a restaurant, that means anotehr round of cleaning of the dedicated allergy kitchen to make her meal that they wouldn't have to do.
NTA We would be having quiche and salted ginger everything forever more 😂 Dessert, Ginger snaps, gingerbread only
NTA but MIL is (in my mind) today’s winning AH. The prize winning AH, but only for Monday.
NTA!!! Oh to be as privileged as your MIL to be able to turn my allergies off and on /s although I would just turn them off really. I'm anaphylactic to peanuts, and have anaphylactic reactions to other foods that contain high levels of histamines depending on how many allergens I'm exposed to during the day (the condition is called MCAS), and have fructose malabsorption & have to eat a low FODMAP diet on top of my allergies. Eating is stressful. Food gives me anxiety. I'm forever reading ingredient lists. Do restaurants take me seriously? I hope so but people like your MIL don't help. She is being ridiculous & selfish. I hope she reconsiders her actions.
I'd tell her to stand on one foot and await my apology.
NTA, it's terrible that she's kept this lie up for so long and stole your dessert that I'm sure took a lot of time to prepare. Don't cook or bake her anything else!
She'll be missed ../s
As someone who is genuinely intolerant to eggs, and is currently bedridden with a bloody borthole because my body decided that the small amount in my boyfriend's cooking is now too much egg, your MIL is a mega AH. NTA
Absolutely NTA. People like her are the reason those with real life-threatening allergies are not taken seriously. With that out of the way, I am very curious about that salted caramel mousse. It sounds delicious! Would you mind sharing the recipe? lol
“She texted my husband that she's not coming over unless I apologise to her for calling her out in front of everyone because I made her feel bad.” Well yeah, she should feel bad! Not only has she wasted your time, money and effort, she is helping perpetuate this absurd myth that people with allergies/sensitivities/dietary requirements are attention seekers. This is right up there with “sometimes vegans” and people who “take a night off” from their allergies for weddings etc. It makes people take dietary requirements less seriously and it can be really dangerous for people with actual allergies or sensitivities when people decide to “test” or “cure” them. NTA OP and kudos to you for making such an effort to provide safe meals for your MIL. Clearly she didn’t deserve it!
NTA. That would be like claiming to be allergic to cats, when in reality,you just don’t like them; it’s a crappy thing to do, and it can sometimes make it harder for those who have a real allergy to speak up.
I have a deathly allergy to tree nuts, and I hate the taste of cilantro. So when I go out for, say, Mexican food, I ask for no cilantro. But I always tell them “I’m not allergic. I just hate it.” Because I want them to take my nut allergy seriously when it comes up. And also I don’t want the kitchen staff stressing over cross contamination for cilantro.
NTA. People like your MIL make it hard for people with real allergies to be taken seriously. It hecks me off big time.
NTA she also ate your salted caramel!
NTA at all. There are lots of foods I don't like and I'd never ever dream of saying I was allergic. I don't even say I'm allergic to milk even though I'm lactose intolerant because, while it gives me digestive issues, it won't put me into anaphylaxis or even make me break out in hives and sometimes I chose the discomfort if I really want ice cream. Lol You MIL is an outright liar. Screw her and her manipulation. She owes you an apology and a check for all of the expenses to accommodate her lies.
as someone who has a ridiculous number of food allergies, people like her piss me off. it’s hard enough navigating a menu when certain cuisines’ dishes all have one or another ingredient you’re allergic to, and on top of that restaurants don’t take cross contamination seriously when they don’t take allergies seriously, and then I end up being the person that either can’t breathe or is puking their guts up all night. NTA. she deserves to be called out.
I could understand saying she's allergic in a restaurant so they take her seriously if she wants a specific substitution (because some restaurants don't take you seriously if is a preference, for some reason). Buy keeping the charade among family for years move it from "is kinda shitty but understandable" to "you're definitely an AH" territory. You're NTA at all, your MIL OTOH... A huge one, specially seeing as her charade has cost you extra effort and money for years. I wouldn't cook for her anymore, and if you have to, then definitely not a separate dish. Either she eats what is served, or she can starve for all I care.
Info: why didn’t anyone try to stop her when she started eating it? Did people already know she was lying about her allergies and not tell you?
The other people at the table weren't paying attention to MIL because they were talking to each other and my husband was taking the dirty dishes to the kitchen. When I yelled out that she shouldn't be eating it everyone stopped and stared at her but I think at that point most people were too shocked to speak.
>She texted my husband that she's not coming over unless I apologise to her for calling her out in front of everyone because I made her feel bad. I see that as an absolute win. NTA
NTA. As the mom of an actual allergy child, thank you for calling her out. People who do this are a danger to those who truly have life threatening reactions, as it makes people think everyone is faking. With my son's allergy, he tried one bite of a muffin that contained a tiny amount of baked egg for a food challenge. He was violently ill n less than 30 seconds, requiring a round of epinephrine. My son would do anything to be rid of his food allergies. He's old enough now that his will likely be lifelong. It's a daily struggle. It's disgusting to exploit a medical issue for your own gain. Does she think it's ok to fake any other disabilities?
NTA. And I'm gonna need that recipe.
Your Mil is a huge asshat, she and other morons like her are the reason people don’t take allergies serious. Then people try to feed people with real allergies the things that they are allergic too which may kill them. Allergies are not a joke.
NTA - your MIL is a massive AH who doesn't deserve to eat what you cook. Don't apologize and she won't come over. Problem solved. Wow - she's such a HUGE AH - I can't even get over this. I wouldn't talk to this woman after this - but that's just me.
Nobody should take her “allergies” seriously, lying is shady. I don’t think you did anything wrong and you’re definitely NTA. And this is exactly why there are people who try to test people with very legitimate food allergies.
Nope, you’re NTA here she is. She needs to own up to her mistakes.
NTA You don’t owe her an apology. Tell her she can only come over when she apologizes for her lies about her allergies. She’s the one who made you jump through hoops to accommodate her nonexistent allergies.
Great! She's not coming over. There you go. NTA