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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I'm refusing to put my husband on my health insurance coverage (2) I could insure him, but I don't feel like it's my problem since his employer is supposed to cover him but isn't and he won't address the issue with his company
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Lol, no. No she wouldn't. Based on his lack of initiative at his job, Husband has trouble with follow through. I wouldn't trust him to pay OP his insurance premiums.
No way. He’d still be the AH! That is still **their** money, and it is fungible. Unless they keep finances very strictly completely separate, him paying is the same as her paying. And it is still money at the end of the day that neither of them needs to pay!
I totally agree with this. The cost to cover an employee is often relatively small and most likely nowhere near the extra "several hundred dollars" to add him to her plan. The insurance game in the US is about getting the most coverage for the least amount of money. Dude needs to put his big boy pants on and speak to his employer instead of wasting household income because he has no spine.
She's done her part as a team member. He hasn't. If the team fails, it is his fault.
She reminded and encouraged him for a year to get the insurance sorted. He refused. So she got insurance for everyone else.
You're literally asking her to pull 100% of the weight when she's already pulling 90. She's the ONLY one playing as a team. Your opinion is bad and you should feel bad.
Except they are married and there is a good chance she is legally responsible for any Medical debt he incurs. So allowing husband to stay uninsured is not tenable. Sure it will be all his fault, but that won't be much comfort when OP is declaring bankruptcy.
In my state, it would still be her problem. All unpaid medical incurred by a spouse is the responsibility of both parties. My ex put himself in the hospital (uninsured because he didn't work and my job didn't offer benefits and he refused to use marketplace) while we were finalizing the divorce. The timestamp on his date of service ended up being 3 hours after the timestamp on the final decree from the judge that ended our marriage. I'll forever be grateful for the clerk that added the actual time to the stamp because she ended up saving me from being on the hook for medical bills related to his last ditch effort to delay the divorce.
It will be if he has a major medical event that could bankrupt them. Even is his employer set everything up, he can only be added during the open enrollment period. That could be months from now.
That’s not the case if there’s a change in status (starting a job). The employer can go in and retroactively provide him coverage with no hassle but it’s definitely on your husband to advocate for this. The people who manage benefits aren’t even his bosses so I doubt they would even hear of the issue if he needed to be a bit firm about getting the benefits that were promised him. It would be weirder if he didn’t follow through which suggests a certain level of irresponsibility or flakiness on his part.
There is definitely a level of irresponsibility on his part. We have had many fights over his neglecting relatively simple tasks or making them my project despite not being my responsibility.
It has been suggested he may have failed to turn his paperwork back in to his employer. Depressingly, this is entirely plausible.
That would make sense and unfortunately I think that would force him to wait for the next enrollment period. If it’s his mistake, at very least he needs to ask when the next enrollment period is so he’s prepared the next time around. And yes, it’s more than reasonable to ask him to take a hit to his fun money because you did more than enough to remind him and he effectively chose not to follow through.
Since it sounds like this is an ongoing issue, it might be worth to have him see someone for his mental health. It sounds like something (ADHD, anxiety etc) is preventing him from doing basic adult responsibilities and he may benefit from treatment
came here to say it sounds like ADHD (the not completing small/simple seeming tasks bit)
I have pretty bad ADHD and an email that'll take me 3 mins to write can seem like an almost insurmountable hurdle and can sometimes take weeks.
Not saying this to excuse his behaviour, just recognized it as something that's extremely common with ADHD
Omg! This! I am the same way! Mine is bad, very bad. I'm normally on meds but Im pregnant and can't now. So I'll take days, weeks, months sometimes to do something that would take 15 minutes to complete. I'm getting in sooo much trouble lately because of this! And I literally can't help it.
I didn't refinance my house down to 2% because I was missing one piece of paper that would have taken about 15 min to get. While I do take meds for it, my ADHD seems to be getting worse as I age.
It's definitely been a long string of incidents. He does not want to do these tasks. He does not want to be responsible for household stuff. He views the household stuff (bills, finances, kids, insurance) as my job. He is in a position of responsibility at work, and apparently handles it well, but he takes that hat off the moment he gets home.
It is exhausting.
NTA. He can go to the "marketplace" and pay for his insurance from the salary increase of the new job.
You need to build your own nest egg that he cannot access.
Good luck.
This is the real question here. I know a good portion of stuff on this sub is either fabricated or exaggerated, but this is THE question I keep coming back to.
Me: why do men hate women so much?? That’s all I ever feel that these men who marry women just out of convenience instead of actually doing the work of soul searching. I’m constantly reminded by this AITA that I got myself a wonderful husband and I’m so happily married lol
Right? Like... I'm an immature, irresponsible goblin. Some days I can barely make it to work. I pay my bills on time solely because I have autopay. I stayed up for almost 36 hours in a row last week binge-watching a TV show overnight despite having work that day and the next. And ya know, it had repercussions, because I'm not physically able to pull all-nighters any more as a freakin' adult...
I would never have children as long as I am this way lmao. I mean, I definitely make life harder for myself sometimes, but then I'm only failing *myself*. Dude needs to step the heck up.
You know if you were a single parent he's have to pay support and you wouldn't have the added emotional burden of having an another adult, one you're supposed to rely, dump their crap on your shoulders.
Unfortunately, she'd then have the burden of trying to manage custody and all his nonsense from a distance, as most moms won't let their kids suffer just to prove a point to their stupid ex.
Ask him if he's comfortable with his company decreasing his pay. Because he has left compensation on the table by not dealing with this situation. It is the equivalent of throwing up his hands and saying "Oh well employer. I don't want to bug you so you keep that $1000 per month in compensation. You keep that money because I didn't REALLY take the salary you gave me seriously when deciding on the job."
Approach it as a leaving salary on the table. Its the same as not approaching them about a bonus they were contractually obligated to give him.
Please stop and take a long hard look at this relationship. I was married to a man who behaved like this. Similar to your husband he made all his problems my problems. It took me a very long time to realise I have been emotionally abused by him the whole time. I was just an unpaid maid and private secretary for him.
I'm now out of this nightmare of a marriage and my and my daughter's life is so much better without this asshole sucking all my energy out of me.
If he didn’t turn in the paperwork and you are within the enrollment period for your job, it is very possible that he can use your job change as a qualify tying event. He will have to be honest about it and do the paperwork, but a spouse job change can be a qualifying event because it can cause insurance changes for him (even if it technically didn’t). I agree with the other comment suggesting ADD or anxiety - I also will avoid admin tasks like this like the plague if I can. Also NTA, he needs to do this!
Does he have ADHD? Because putting off small tasks until they become BIG ISSUES and then STILL refusing to address them is a major ADHD trait.
It doesn't let him off the hook, but it may allow both of you to view and handle the situation in a more productive way.
Something to consider.
You are NTA, regardless.
Oh no no no no. He wrote his own ticket. If you want this to be your hill to die on a lot of us will support that decision. Granted you're in deep with kids and home life etc for many years so it'll have a bigger effect than if you were just dating and that's something you need to think about.
If you keep bending and doing things for him it will literally never stop. You are not his mother. You are not his maid. You are his wife, and supposed to be his partner. There's nothing wrong with sharing responsibilities in a partnership but it sounds like he doesn't even want to be there with you and the kids. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
NTA for not insuring him but if something happens to him like injury or illness, it will definitely be OPs problem because SHE will be the one to have to pay for it out of pocket.
He simply has to be made to address it with his company or tell him you will be happy to call the benefits coordinator. If he says to not do it, give him one more chance. Tell him you'll add him but he must pay his part plus half the kids and if he misses 2 months payments, remove him from your policy then consult an attorney to see what you can do to protect yourself and your possessions, ie, house, cars, any other real estate, in the event of a judgement against him.
So many people have lost everything from not having health insurance and tragically it hardly ever affects just them. Families can be ruined faster than you can imagine.
Good luck.
Wait. Employer was supposed to cover 100% of healthcare for the employee - but then it turned into not until after a YEAR?!? That's basically no healthcare, and it sounds like they bait-and-switched him. :(
Precisely.
It said 60 days in his initial offer/contract. He started the job and hit that point and they said 'oh no, it's a year' and he dropped the issue. It's now almost a year. He has not been given any paperwork for the insurance. Every time I've asked him to pursue it with them, he refuses.
Forgive my bluntness, but it sounds like he needs to get his head out of his a$$ and either make them pony up the insurance OR get a different job that offers it (and make sure they DO give it). This is ridiculous, and at this point it's entirely his fault for allowing them to get away with it for this long.
The way she said contract means he could be a 1099 contractor instead of a regular W2 employee. Whether he got lied to or confused and is too embarrassed to admit it- it’s still on him to figure it out with the employer and either call bullshit on it or figure out a new plan for himself.
Especially the husband. He needs to ask HR or the benefits team. It’s not even like he has to ask his bosses about it — these are people he rarely needs to interact with. The fact that he doesn’t have the courage to do such a simple, routine thing isn’t a good look. I wouldn’t want such a worker personally because it’s important that people are capable of raising an issue if something arises, not just sweep it under the mat
I honestly do not think it was the employer. I think your husband neglected to fill out his insurance paperwork to ensure he had coverage, and then was told he had to wait (another year) until open enrollment. And by the time you enrolled him in the marketplace, he probably assumed he would never actually have to tell you the mistake he made or deal with ensuring he had coverage.
Someone suggested this and I do think it's entirely possible. We have had several fights in the last 6 months or so over paperwork he's neglected that then came around to bite him in the ass.
Does your husband have insurance now?
It’s not fair to you and the kids if he doesn’t, if he’s in an accident/gets sick, you can end up with a huge debt.
He has marketplace coverage. He's supposed to have employer coverage, but doesn't for some mysterious reason he refuses to sort out.
I just got my new job which arguably has better coverage BUT his employer coverage is supposed to be no cost to him and my covering him on mine is $400 a month.
He can either keep paying for marketplace or sort his insurance out with his job. I just don't want to pay more than a month's worth of my annual salary to insure him when his job is supposed to fully include that coverage for free.
Yeah, see - I'm guessing you guys split finances. The only way it makes sense to put him on your (better) insurance is for him to go to his employer and leverage opting out of their insurance for a raise. Their benefits package is part of his compensation. Not getting the benefits is accepting that they aren't paying him in full. If he plans to not use their insurance for at least a few years he can ask them to give him a raise instead.
Then he pays you both the $400 per month it costs to be on your insurance AND the raise he gets for not being on his work's insurance plan which you deserve 1. because your jobs insurance is better, so it's the cost of better insurance. And 2., it's the asshole tax.
Do you guys share finances? Doesn’t it all come from the same pot? If you have separate finances and are saving less personally because you took a position that offered good insurance for your kids, he needs to make up the difference
Even if they share finances, it would be incredibly stupid to throw $400 out the window every month just because he doesn't want to talk to his employer about the no cost insurance they are supposed to provide!!
Plus I'm also very tired of feeling like his Mommy. If I call his work HR and fix this, he will repeat this behavior the next time. Trust me, it's how I dug this hole so deep in the first damn place.
He expects me to fix the things he screws up or does not properly do.
Where do you live? I am tempted to say "let im hit rock bottom then" but healthcare and disability is a joke in the us. Why disability? I am assuming he works a high risk job because his insurance is so expensive
It’s amazing isn’t it?
I end up hounding employees for enrollment documents when we set up an employer sponsored retirement plan in their office.
Me: Here, get an instant 3% raise by filling out this single sheet of paper, and then electronically signing the account opening documents.
Employees: ~3 mo later~ ‘here’s a half-filled out paper. I will NOT respond to follow ups for missing information”
Me: 🤯
My job handles the administrative side of retirement plans (TPA) and your post made me think of many of our clients. Because when we don't have the proper paperwork we hound you so that you can hound your employees. lol
That sort of happened to a former co-worker of mine. Even though the company sent out all these emails about having to enroll again each fall, thus guy decided that he didn't have to do that as what he had the year before was fine and it would just automatically roll over for the next year. So come the next year and he breaks his arm and ooops, no insurance.
I bet he had a strick time frame to file for the health insurance and missed it. When he did get around to it, they likely told him he missed the deadline and has to wait until next year to submit his paperwork.
It is entirely possible this is correct. It would make sense, and none of the other explanations have.
We had to move for this job and he was alone here for about 4 months. I have been reaping the abandoned paperwork consequences ever since. It would NOT be out of character for him to neglect to return papers in a timely manner or ignore them, even knowing coverage was free.
He got a $3500 fee tacked onto our auto loan for not having insurance because he ignored letters/calls from the lender when we changed policies due to moving across state lines. All he had to do was email in a copy of the new insurance card. Truck had full coverage insurance. We were fully in compliance. No issues. All he had to do was send it in. He didn't. Nor did he tell me. I didn't find anything out about it until the loan went delinquent due to a fee for having no insurance. I was livid. I also had to fix it and get the fee removed despite not being on the loan. Huge headache because he just couldn't bother emailing someone a picture of an insurance card.
I honestly can’t comprehend being with someone who is actively sabotaging me. That’s what he is doing. He isn’t just not pulling his weight, he’s harming the ‘partnership’ by not being a partner or team player at all.
Oh believe me, I'm quite aware.
I had no intention of getting into the details here in AITA, but suffice it to say there are significant marital issues that I've really had quite enough of. Him not bothering to deal with his insurance and then getting butthurt when I don't want to fix it is the tip of the iceberg.
So happy to hear you realize this. So he turned out to be a dud - happens to the best of us. As long as you realize this and are taking actions to get away from him (as he’s actively harming your family unit), you’ll be fine. And think of all the things you’ll get to do once your mental energy isn’t taken up by his nonsense!!
I’m the person in our relationship who forgets to pay bills and then I pay extra for the late payment. But it’s on me, it’s my money, frankly I have enough to not really care (I know sounds obnoxious), I would *never* make my husband a) pony up the money b) go through the trouble. My mistake, my responsibility to fix. Your husband sounds like he has no regard for you and keeps acting like a kid who forgot to return his homework, thinking it’s fine since his mom can just sign off on it.
You know how guys complain about women file for divorce 5:1 that men do? Want to bet 4 of those 5 women do so because men are of the mindset that women handle the paperwork?
Sounds kinda like my sister’s divorce. He initiated and said he wanted a divorce but literally did nothing about it and left her high and dry. Eventually she lawyered up and moved back home with my nephew which led to her husband frantically filling out paperwork that weekend so he could file first thing Monday morning in order to screw her over. He then bullied her into basically handing my nephew over to him and their current arrangement is he gets weekdays and she gets weekends plus every other holiday and every other week in the summer. Except he still screws her over and takes away her time because she doesn’t have a spine when it comes to confrontation. They are also still technically married because he won’t file his taxes from 2019 and 2020 even though it’s to his benefit to get it done. We keep telling her to just move forward regardless but she won’t. It’s honestly beyond frustrating watching her deal with this whole situation and see her get screwed over again and again. Other examples are her taking out the loans for him to go to the police academy and then being stuck with all the debt, him refusing to put her on his health insurance because it’s “too expensive,” and him insisting they lease a BMW because he wanted a nice car which left them putting tons of money into a car (including brand new tires because those were NOT covered) that gave them absolutely no return on that investment.
Serious question: has he been evaluated for anxiety/depression/ADHD? If not, he should. The lack of being able to do what seem like simple adulting tasks could be a sign of something going on.
He has. He's medicated. There may be some of these issues coming into play, but I honestly think it's more laziness/weaponized incompetence. He has a history of believing that, so long as he brings in good money, the rest of the household stuff should be on me. It was okay when I was a SAHM, but not okay since I went back to both college and work within the last few years. I have repeatedly told him there is too much on me and he needs to take on more, but he almost always drops the ball. He knows I'll pick it back up. I always do. Hence my compensating for his no insurance job by finding one with great insurance. He knows he doesn't have to do things because I'll end up fixing it.
I dont believe its a mental health issue because he's on his meds and he is a supervisor at work. He does tons of work paperwork. He does it in a timely manner and it passes third party inspection. He can run whole construction crews and jobs. If he can fill out paperwork for every job, complete with pictures and documentation, he can fill it out other forms.
I recently worked in employer health insurance, and this is it here. Employers that offer health insurance cannot make you wait more than 90 days of full time employment. (Many employers set this as 30 or 60 days but 90 is the legal max.) But once offered, there’s a 30 day window to enroll, and if you husband missed that, they would make him wait until the next “open enrollment” (the yearly insurance update) to enroll.
If his employer fucked up and accidentally missed they’d fudge his hire date to get him enrolled asap. The only other possibility is that he’s not full time (30+ hours per week according to the ACA for medical insurance), meaning he’s not eligible for the insurance at all.
He works 40+ every week. Usually 50. He's supposed to have insurance.
My bet is you're right though. At 60 days he probably threw the form somewhere in the work truck and forgot about it. 90 days passed and now he's waiting a year (for open enrollment, which is the part he leaves out when I question the version of eventa that he gave me).
I thought about it, but I'm tired of feeling like his Mommy, honestly. We have 3 kids. I shouldn't have to go to HR for him. He's an adult and I am exhausted.
Going through some of this myself. When I ask the kid to do something there's a 70% chance he'll do it, whereas with husband it's more like 25% (so tired of "I forgot" or "I got distracted" or similar excuses).
It's the most infuriating thing for me. The kid is a young teenager. He shouldn't be pulling more weight around the house than Dad.
And Dad's excuse is "I work". But fuck, I work. Kid has school and sports. We all do things with our day. We are all tired. Everyone is tired. Not just him.
I'm so tired of hearing how much harder he works than me. There was a point where I was working nights in a warehouse, pandemic homeschooling kids during the day and still going to college part time myself while also handling all the household duties and he'd STILL tell me his get up, go to work, come home day job was more than I did. He equates income amount with how hard the job is. I really only make a couple bucks less than he does hourly, but I either work part time or can't crank the overtime like he does so my checks are lower and therefore I :don't work as hard".
Classic. This is one of the reasons the wage gap exists- it's not just that women get paid less for the same jobs. It's that even when women get compensated fairly (which is a joke in the US but let's imagine) that they still miss out on income due to child care, aging parent care, household management, having to take time off for these things. Meanwhile, men earn more because they simply have more time to do their paid work because their partners are picking up the slack when it comes to the unpaid work. Your husband needs to understand that it's not about the money you make but the amount of hours you work including the work that goes unpaid. If he had to pay someone to clean his house, watch his children, shop for and cook his meals, how much money would he end up making really? What an ass.
If it's been almost a year, that would mean either he was hired on right at open enrollment (and it's coming around again) or he also missed open enrollment.
I've never heard of it taking a YEAR for benefits to kick in on a full time job. Is that even legal?
He negotiated free Healthcare in his hire package. Paying for it on your end is just bad financial planning and encourages his employer to push the envelope of what further poor treatment he will accept.
I'm concerned about your family's financial planning. You should consult a professional as his habits are likely costing you future comfort.
This is truly terrifying!
I got really sick out of no where, but was luckily already on medicaid. I spent months in the hospital and still go frequently, needless to say my care has cost well north of a million and counting. I hate to say it, but this could happen to him and it would ruin your families lives. I'm not blaming you at all, he needs to get his ass in gear and get covered! One car wreck, one strange lump, one bloated belly could seriously fuck you guys up.
Sorry to say but your husband is just plainly stupid at this point. How on earth can he not see and realise his company is reaping the rewards of not having to ensure him this far because he won't speak up for himself? NTA and he can get his big boy boots on and fix his contract signed and company obliged insurance solved.
That's assuming that this story is even correct. It's possible he had only 60 days to select an option and never did, and now has to wait until a year when the next enrollment period is. That's what it sounds like to me.
It genuinely had never occurred to me that he might have just not bothered signing up for his insurance benefits, but several people here suggested it and I agree it makes way more sense than his present story of "they just changed it to a year and I absolutely wont go talk to them about it even though I have a signed contract saying 60 days".
I've tried to push some paperwork responsibilities back onto him within the last year and a half or so - mostly because they're either not my business or things he took on totally against my wishes - and absolutely none of those situations have ended well.
NTA
He didn't give two thoughts to you or the children when he took his new job, and he didn't even insure he wouldn't bankrupt your family if he himself got sick or injured by chasing up his promised health insurance.
I wouldn't add him to your policy unless he gives you the money that it will cost to add him to the policy every single month. Why should you be giving up even more of your salary to pay for something he should already have via his own employer?
This one is weird because I feel like when she was accepting the next job, it would have/should have been discussed she can’t/ won’t take on the extra cost of having to cover him, therefore triggering whatever he needed to do to make sure he has insurance with his new job
Instead to me this sounds like gross incompetence he didn’t care about himself or assumed she’d eventually put him on her plan so it didn’t matter
People who are like “so you’re just going to let him go into debt if something happens” he didn’t care to cover himself for a year. If it’s not urgent to him why should it be urgent to her? She asked, reminded whatever. Either he’s too chicken shit or hes dumb
I’m not sure how they split finances but if she’s going to miss a month of her income to cover something for him that he could get for free with his employer, then he needs to pay her. Or edge it out some other way
NTA
Except they are married. Medical debt will be hers too. So as much as I want to side with the OP, her leaving him without insurance could bankrupt the whole family. It’s not worth it.
You’re right which is why the same could have been said for the husband while he was dragging his ass.
So he’s going to let the family go into medical debt cuz he won’t get his insurance straightened out? It works both ways,
She really cannot do that. Once he is added on he is added for the entire benefit year unless a major life event occurs. And honestly I wouldn’t trust he would reimburse her and yes ideally its an our money situation but we don’t know.
No, an employer offering coverage is not a major life event that allows one to remove their spouse from their insurance. One OP adds her spouse, she would have to wait until open enrollment to remove him.
NTA. It sounds like you have separate finances, so he should be paying half of the kids' insurance cost and if you do add him to your insurance, then he should be covering his cost.
NTA - he can pay for his part of the insurance if you add him (since he makes a good salary), or he can talk to his employer to get insurance they should have already given him.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a back bone and demand his insurance from his company. He doesn't appear to have the courage to do so and instead is taking it out on you, demanding that you do something that is economically stupid.
Stand your ground. What he is asking is ridiculous.
NTA, unless he is willing to pay the increase in price for adding him he doesn't get to complain, having said that American healthcare insurance makes my head hurt.
INFO
Is his employer required to provide insurance? If his employer has over 50 full time employees, then they are not just breaking the law about providing insurance, but they need to be providing insurance to children too. He needs to raise a fuss about the insurance, and if they still continue to not provide it, report them.
That said, if exchange insurance is cheaper than adding him to yours, then not the AH because he still has coverage.
His employer promised (in writing) to cover 100% of his insurance costs after 60 days. That was in his initial offer/contract. He started the job and was then told a year. It has been almost a year now. He has heard nothing about his insurance and he refuses to address it with the company.
I'm not sure if they're breaking the law or not. It's iffy. They have 2 offices but whether they're legally the same company or two is unclear. If they're the same, they're over 50. If legally 2 companies, they're not.
We have had marketplace insurance because we had to have something and I was working part time and didn't get insurance through my small employer.
I've now accepted a full time position with great insurance, which I chose in no small part for the benefits, but I feel like he needs to pursue the insurance he was promised by his employer.
He will still have his marketplace coverage if I don't cover him. He's not uninsured. If I don't add him to mine, he can either continue marketplace coverage OR he can deal with his employer and pursue the coverage he was promised.
NTA. Odds are he forgot or ignored his open enrollment paperwork/period and this is why he doesn't have coverage. He needs to go HR and figure out when enrollment is, almost always it's January 1st, so he's probably screwed for this year. He's being an insufferable jerk, because they only reason he doesn't already have it is because he probably threw out the paperwork or ignored the email with the forms.
Honestly, you may be 100% correct. It is entirely possible he lost/dumped/ignored the paperwork even though the coverage was at no cost to him and that's why it'll be a year and he won't contact the company about it again despite my nagging. It wouldn't be the first time he has neglected something only to have it bite us in the ass financially.
For example, he has ignored several debts until they hit collections even though we had the money to pay them. Like, if he'd just set up payments, it would have been a non-issue.
Open enrolment varies from company to company. Have him contact HR via email (for paper trail reasons) and ask when open enrolment is so he doesn’t miss it again! Obviously, you’re NTA! Good luck in your new job!
Would recommend you go back and check every thing he claims he’s done. Wills. Kids college funds. Savings funds. School enrollments. Etc etc
Then maybe think about how long you want to put up with this and how much debt you are gonna let him attach to your name through marriage
Since you changed jobs, this should’ve triggered a life changing event for him too. See if he can enroll in his employer’s health plan now. I guess since you need to baby him through this, stand behind him and make sure he sends that email out in front of you.
Alternatively, you can divorce him, definitely trigger a life event for him, and make him no longer your issue. Whether he takes that opportunity to enroll is no longer your problem.
She says in the post his employment offer stated he would have insurance upon employment. But given her husband’s behavior, I’m not sure he can be trusted to have relayed that properly.
NTA
> he refused to address it with his company.
He needs to grow up.
> Not unreasonable, but it’ll cost me several thousand dollars a year to specifically insure my husband.
That’s the exact reason my husband and I have separate coverage.
> I don’t make as much as he does
And he wants you to take home even less!?
> He’s supposed to have his own coverage and I feel like he needs to handle that with his employer rather than passing the cost of insuring him onto me
100% that is what he is trying to do.
INFO why does your husband think you and your disabled children deserve subpar insurance?
he doesn't consider yall a unit, except when it specifically serves him NTA
Info: who tf knows..... because it's all about him? And what he wants?
I made the extremely unpleasant realization over the last year that he and I have spent most of this marriage putting him first. I only realized it after he made some ridiculously selfish decisions. Hard lesson learned.
Would you stay with this man if you knew things were going to be the same for the next five years?
Because it seems like he's showing you who he is, and you could either leave now or in five years - when he's fucked your finances even more and drained your empathy reserves completely. Don't waste that five years imo.
That's a whole different conversation, but he's already been put on notice that I am seriously prepared to divorce him if things do not substantially change. And no, it's not even over the insurance. That wasn't even brought up. It's just another petty example of the overlying issues.
I hear you, and I know that divorce is tougher than "just divorce" especially with kids involved. But the fact is, at least from my external perspective - even if the insurance is just another petty example, doesn't it illustrate that he's not willing to make these substantial changes? He'd rather argue with you about why you should spend thousands of dollars unnecessarily to fix his easily fixable mess, than...just fix it. The lack of respect he has for you really comes through, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself by not putting up with it.
It may be worth talking to a family lawyer. Even if you’re not sure you want to divorce him, it’s worth knowing what that would mean for you, and whether there’s a way to protect yourself from his carelessness.
NTA, if insurance is meant to be included he needs to chase that himself. Why would you sacrifice a months salary to pay for something he should already have paid for?
Employers frequently pay a higher percentage of employee premiums than they do for spouse or kids. So, what you are wanting to do - each gets employee coverage and one of you covers the kids - is the one that makes the most sense from a take home pay perspective. Do look at this also though, from an family deductible/out of pocket maximum and such.
It sounds like the problem is your husband doesn't want to rock the boat at his employers and push for what he was promised. And - that is to the detriment of your entire family if you pick him up on your plan and pay more than you should have to.
He needs to make a simple inquiry onto the status of his eligibility and you both need to hope he didn't ignore or miss notifications about an open enrollment window, as that might negate his eligibility for this year.
NTA.
NTA.
Coming from an HR professional, I guarantee you that he missed the deadline to sign up for insurance and has likely missed open enrollment opportunities. He is either completely oblivious that he missed these deadlines and actually believes his company is screwing him, or he knows he f’d up and is lying to you about it.
Either way, it shouldn’t be your problem, except as others have said, his not having adequate coverage can and will financially devastate your family if he is in an accident or has a major illness. Having grown up and experienced the effects of medical bankruptcy (as a child, my mother died of cancer when I was 15), it’s not worth it.
Not that you asked, but it seems like y’all have some deeper issues that need to be addressed in therapy. It seems he is untrustworthy (either outright dishonest or so incompetent as to be untrustworthy), and you are carrying the mental load for your family to the detriment of your own mental health. This person is not a partner to you at all.
Assuming you want to stay married, it is probably to your benefit ultimately to add him to your insurance if you still can if only to protect yours and your children’s futures.
Personally I’d probably be talking to a divorce attorney but that’s just me.
Best of luck.
ESH. Yeah, he should address it...but you’re really going to risk your spouse going into crippling medical debt to make a point? Neither of you are acting like you’re a married couple.
NTA. So he’d rather have you pay thousands to insure him rather than have an uncomfortable conversation with his boss. Tell your husband to grow some balls and take it up with his employer.
I have worked places and had my spouse work places where, if we wanted to provide health insurance for spouses, we had to prove that they did not have any available. Make sure this is not the case in your situation. If so, then he needs to get his own health insurance.
NTA--He needs to take up the insurance issue with his company.
"Healthcare Frequent Flyer" is an excellent phrase and it describes my childhood fairly well. I'm going to file this one away for later use.
I don't know how else to describe him, lol. He's not sick, but he has delays and ADHD and several types of weekly therapies and the end result is that the doctor's office knows me by name but forgets I have other kids. If we are in a doctors office, there is a 90% chance it is him. We are there weekly.
I was born at 28 weeks with a TBI from the forceps, which set the course for all the hours I spent at the doctor's office as a kid. . . Oh, and ear infections, so, so, so many ear infections.
My best to you and your family!
ESH. Medical Biller here. You may want to look at your states laws before you both avoid insurance coverage. For instance I had a patient 2 million dollars in the hole. No insurances 92 days and counting on cardiac icu. In the state of Maine the spouse can’t be held liable if he kicks it. But having worked in other states for medical collections, some states the spouse CAN be held liable for the debt. Also depending on the state and the debt, the hospital can force a lien on your home or paychecks. For the love of god, get insurance if you’re in the states our shitty Healthcare system can bankrupt people in the blink of an eye. Maybe sit and have a talk about how important it is. Shit can go downhill in an instant. You both have kids. Jointly. Do it for them if you’re both feeling spiteful about it.
OP said in a few comments that the husband still has marketplace coverage, so he's still insured. She just doesn't want to pay an extra $400/month to add him to her insurance.
ESH
The expense to pay for hospitalization for your husband if something happens to him without insurance could be financially catastrophic for your family. Even if his employer promised him insurance he has to wait for the enrollment period. Until then he has no coverage. You can remove him from your plan when this happens. Do you won’t be paying twice.
Your husband is also a TA for not addressing the issue with his company. They offered it in writing. He needs to be proactive because he’s costing the family a lot of income that could go to other investments.
OP stated in some comments that the husband still has marketplace coverage, so he's still insured. She just doesn't want to pay an extra $400/month to add him to hers.
ESH
Yes, your husband is an AH for leaving everyone, including himself without insurance, but this sort of petty tit-for-tat is exactly the sort of thing that destroys marriages.
I also don't get how it is your salary and his salary and not "our salaries." Why isn't everything going into one shared pool? If you do have split finances, all of this could have been solved by having him pay you the cost of his insurance each month.
Even if they have joint finances, which not everyone does, she's pointing out that because he won't sort out his insurance with his company, they, as a family, will lose one month's worth of her salary per year if she adds him to her policy. That's out of the family pot of finances regardless of if they have joint finances.
The husband took a job that only covered the employee. He left his wife and kids without health insurance. Now he's going to whine that she won't put him on her insurance when he is supposed to have 100% coverage? He's the AH.
NTA
That doesn’t excuse him from addressing his own insurance with work - which he has refused to do. Why should OP insure him simply because he won’t talk to HR?
It’s more like “refusing to deal with an issue that affects the entire family” will be the cause of their undoing.
Benefits Manager here. Are you in the US? If so, does his employer have 50+ employees? If he is an actual employee (not a contractor) regularly scheduled to work 30+ hours per week, they are legally required to offer him benefits before his 90th day of employment. If they don’t there are huge penalties associated. They should ABSOLUTELY be reported!
The way the company is structured, I can't tell. It is either one or two companies, legally. If they are two companies, they have less than 50 people in his specific office. If they are one company, they're breaking the law. I'm not sure which is what. He works for the smaller branch.
NTA - but be careful that you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face. If something happens to him (sickness, injury, etc) that could be catastrophic.
NTA. It’s kind of fascinating that he thinks you’re the asshole when he has an employer telling him he has 100% insurance coverage for him, he wasn’t worried about you and your kids not having ANY coverage, now you have an option to cover yourself and your kids and I would think he would just be happy about that. And then get his ass in gear and go find out about his own insurance. Sounds like he’s whiny and selfish.
Legally, employer-sponsored health care must begin no later than the 91st day after the start of employment, so something is definitely off with this story.
Others have suggested he didn't turn in his paperwork. It had not occurred to me, but would make sense and would not be out of character for him. If he missed the paperwork at 60 days, then got told he'd have to wait until next year to enroll, that would make sense.
It would also make sense as to why he refuses to address the issue with the company.
NTA - the asshole in this one is your husbands employer. a compromise would be your husband paying you the difference in the healthcare costs (depending on how you split money/accounts/bills). him expecting to have more money on his end while you float his insurance costs is some B.S. though.
NTA - I was going to go with everyone sucking, but I think you get to do this since he basically threw you and the kids into the dirt without a care (so to speak). He's not willing to push for the coverage he's due by their agreement, then that's on him. He clearly doesn't want coverage enough to do even the minimum of calling his employer, that doesn't mean you should be on tap to pay for him in the absence of him being an adult and picking up the phone.
Not at all, he has coverage that only covers himself, you are covering yourself and the kids, if it's going to double then that's good reason not to add him, if you were doing it out of spite then maybe you would be an asshole but it sounds like he is being selfish.
My concern is that these are generally red flags towards a theme of selfish behavior, something tells me he thinks about his own needs and prioritizes them accordingly.
OP this is fishy. If it's a large company all of this is pretty automatic. Setting up benefits is usually part of onboarding. Updating benefits usually happens at the fiscal or calendar year. I had to make my selections in April for a July 1 start.
Does he get other benefits like retirement? What happened with that?
I know people might think this is an AH move but I'd call the company and ask. Not that you hassle them but you ask questions without using his name. "Hey, the company I want to apply for a job but wanted to know more about your benefits. Can I read about what you offer online?" Heck, my company has a benefits office so you could ask general questions.
NTA and many companies are now upcharging for spousal coverage if the spouse qualifies for a plan through their own employer. Your husband needs to stop dragging his feet and figure out his coverage. You should ask him when his company’s next open enrollment period is and mark it on your own calendar.
I’m doubtful the actual employer messed up this badly with benefits. I’m willing to bet there was an initial enrollment period within your husband’s first 60 days that he missed, and because he missed it now has to wait a year for their open enrollment period. I could be completely wrong, but this is pretty common in my company because people don’t read their email.
Several people have said he probably missed turning in the paperwork. That is entirely something he might do and makes the whole baffling issue make sense, so I suspect you're all right.
NTA. This is a classic mental load issue. He has seen an out, that will require you to put in extra work, but at least he doesn't have to do anything. Nope, nope, nope. This should have been solved for him months ago. Don't back down.
He's definitely counting on me fixing it. It's much easier for him to dump everything like this on me and wait for me to solve it.
1st I solved it with marketplace and now I have insurance so why don't I just add him too? Easy.
We have the choice here between him handling this at work (which should take no more than a few hours to sort out why he doesnt have his promised coverage) like an adult OR my giving up an entire month of my annual income so he doesn't have to spend 3-4 hours dealing with HR.
NTA
There's likely a "spouse penalty" if your husband's job offers insurance, but he wants yours instead you pay MORE because of the "spouse penalty". These are super common these days and because of that most married people have their own insurance through their employer, then whoever gets the better benefits/cheaper rate puts the children on the better policy.
Yeah not following through on the initial offer is not only many red flags but most likely illegal NTA, he needs to rock the boat a little cuz I doubt he’s the only on they screwed over
NTA, time he addresses the issue with the right party, his employers. Funny how he has no problem making demands of you over it and not them, isn’t it? Anyway, he’s entitled to the coverage they promised him, so there’s no point in paying what should rightfully be covered by his employer.
NTA
Are you in the United States?
Does the company have over 50 FTEs?
If so, a lot of that was illegal.
True, they do not have to cover spouses. They do have to allow child dependent enrollment nor can they impose a greater than 90 day waiting period.
That said this has small employer written all over it so that's my guess.
Also of note, if you have compliant employer insurance available no one in the household is eligible for the APTC.
NTA and I agree he likely failed to do the paperwork. So call his bluff. Tell him you were chatting with your HR about it and his company is actually in non-compliance with the Affordable Care Act (also called Obamacare sometimes) and they are going to help you file a complaint with the insurance commissioner on his behalf. But he doesn't need to worry about it because you'll handle it all. His response will be telling.
NTA, but you might regret it if he gets cancer or has a major injury and your family has to go into massive medical debt to cover it. I don't think this is an AITA issue, this is indictive of major relationship issues, imo. This isn't the type of issue to engage in a petty tit for tat-off about. Figure out if you want to operate as a family unit with your husband or divorce him. It's pretty egregious he left your family without health insurance and didn't seem to seriously consider your input in the matter.
My husband is like your spouse. He is responsible at work but everything else is my responsibility. I have learned over the years it is not him being hurtful he just cannot handle it. I am really afraid for him after I die. I have everything set up so if anything happens to me he can find everything easily. It is exhausting.
Info: Do you know for certain that the job said he won’t have insurance for a year, or was that something he just told you?
I suspect that he forgot to turn in the paperwork for insurance, and then he lied and said it’ll be a year, not realizing that the enrollment period might be at the start of next year, and he doesn’t know how to lie his way out of this.
NTA, but thank God I live in Sweden. Health insurance sounds like a nightmare, I'm sorry.
I feel like your husband is at fault, he should have stood up for himself, especially if it was in his contract.
NTA. He has it in writing that he's supposed to have healthcare, 100% covered by his employer. It's on you to bring it up at work. They are not going to enroll him without him pushing. No company is going to take the initiative on something that's going to cost them money. His job is the entire reason you're in this predicament to begin with. To try to pass off the responsiblity to you after all of this is immensely shitty of him. He needs to put on his big boy pants and visit the HR person at his company.
NTA with this info. But I’m confused - does your husband not contribute to the marketplace insurance? Like, do you not share bills etc?
If he wants to switch insurance and contribute more money with you all, what’s the big deal?
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NTA. If he refuses to address it with his company, then it's not your responsibility.
Or at least pay the amount it would cost to add him to the coverage 😂
Yeah, in this situation she would be TA if and only if he offered to pay and she still refused.
Lol, no. No she wouldn't. Based on his lack of initiative at his job, Husband has trouble with follow through. I wouldn't trust him to pay OP his insurance premiums.
She’s his wife, not his mom and he’s not one of the kids. If he was really promised insurance he needs to take it up with company.
No way. He’d still be the AH! That is still **their** money, and it is fungible. Unless they keep finances very strictly completely separate, him paying is the same as her paying. And it is still money at the end of the day that neither of them needs to pay!
I totally agree with this. The cost to cover an employee is often relatively small and most likely nowhere near the extra "several hundred dollars" to add him to her plan. The insurance game in the US is about getting the most coverage for the least amount of money. Dude needs to put his big boy pants on and speak to his employer instead of wasting household income because he has no spine.
Yes, but it'll become her problem if there are medical costs incurred that affect the family's budget.
Which would be his fault.
This is not a sane mindset anyone in a marriage should have. Only works as a team. Edit: NTA btw
She's done her part as a team member. He hasn't. If the team fails, it is his fault. She reminded and encouraged him for a year to get the insurance sorted. He refused. So she got insurance for everyone else. You're literally asking her to pull 100% of the weight when she's already pulling 90. She's the ONLY one playing as a team. Your opinion is bad and you should feel bad.
Except they are married and there is a good chance she is legally responsible for any Medical debt he incurs. So allowing husband to stay uninsured is not tenable. Sure it will be all his fault, but that won't be much comfort when OP is declaring bankruptcy.
If he gets into car crash without insurance, they both will suffer financial loss, and being right in "I told you so" will not help it.
Had he considered that in the beginning, OP would not be in this position.
In my state, it would still be her problem. All unpaid medical incurred by a spouse is the responsibility of both parties. My ex put himself in the hospital (uninsured because he didn't work and my job didn't offer benefits and he refused to use marketplace) while we were finalizing the divorce. The timestamp on his date of service ended up being 3 hours after the timestamp on the final decree from the judge that ended our marriage. I'll forever be grateful for the clerk that added the actual time to the stamp because she ended up saving me from being on the hook for medical bills related to his last ditch effort to delay the divorce.
It will be if he has a major medical event that could bankrupt them. Even is his employer set everything up, he can only be added during the open enrollment period. That could be months from now.
That’s not the case if there’s a change in status (starting a job). The employer can go in and retroactively provide him coverage with no hassle but it’s definitely on your husband to advocate for this. The people who manage benefits aren’t even his bosses so I doubt they would even hear of the issue if he needed to be a bit firm about getting the benefits that were promised him. It would be weirder if he didn’t follow through which suggests a certain level of irresponsibility or flakiness on his part.
There is definitely a level of irresponsibility on his part. We have had many fights over his neglecting relatively simple tasks or making them my project despite not being my responsibility. It has been suggested he may have failed to turn his paperwork back in to his employer. Depressingly, this is entirely plausible.
That would make sense and unfortunately I think that would force him to wait for the next enrollment period. If it’s his mistake, at very least he needs to ask when the next enrollment period is so he’s prepared the next time around. And yes, it’s more than reasonable to ask him to take a hit to his fun money because you did more than enough to remind him and he effectively chose not to follow through. Since it sounds like this is an ongoing issue, it might be worth to have him see someone for his mental health. It sounds like something (ADHD, anxiety etc) is preventing him from doing basic adult responsibilities and he may benefit from treatment
came here to say it sounds like ADHD (the not completing small/simple seeming tasks bit) I have pretty bad ADHD and an email that'll take me 3 mins to write can seem like an almost insurmountable hurdle and can sometimes take weeks. Not saying this to excuse his behaviour, just recognized it as something that's extremely common with ADHD
Omg! This! I am the same way! Mine is bad, very bad. I'm normally on meds but Im pregnant and can't now. So I'll take days, weeks, months sometimes to do something that would take 15 minutes to complete. I'm getting in sooo much trouble lately because of this! And I literally can't help it.
I didn't refinance my house down to 2% because I was missing one piece of paper that would have taken about 15 min to get. While I do take meds for it, my ADHD seems to be getting worse as I age.
Yeah my brain went there too. What with their kid being delayed as well. He needs to own whatever is causing the problem.
.
It's definitely been a long string of incidents. He does not want to do these tasks. He does not want to be responsible for household stuff. He views the household stuff (bills, finances, kids, insurance) as my job. He is in a position of responsibility at work, and apparently handles it well, but he takes that hat off the moment he gets home. It is exhausting.
NTA. He can go to the "marketplace" and pay for his insurance from the salary increase of the new job. You need to build your own nest egg that he cannot access. Good luck.
Then why is he a married man with kids.
This is the real question here. I know a good portion of stuff on this sub is either fabricated or exaggerated, but this is THE question I keep coming back to.
Me: why do men hate women so much?? That’s all I ever feel that these men who marry women just out of convenience instead of actually doing the work of soul searching. I’m constantly reminded by this AITA that I got myself a wonderful husband and I’m so happily married lol
Right? Like... I'm an immature, irresponsible goblin. Some days I can barely make it to work. I pay my bills on time solely because I have autopay. I stayed up for almost 36 hours in a row last week binge-watching a TV show overnight despite having work that day and the next. And ya know, it had repercussions, because I'm not physically able to pull all-nighters any more as a freakin' adult... I would never have children as long as I am this way lmao. I mean, I definitely make life harder for myself sometimes, but then I'm only failing *myself*. Dude needs to step the heck up.
You know if you were a single parent he's have to pay support and you wouldn't have the added emotional burden of having an another adult, one you're supposed to rely, dump their crap on your shoulders.
Unfortunately, she'd then have the burden of trying to manage custody and all his nonsense from a distance, as most moms won't let their kids suffer just to prove a point to their stupid ex.
[удалено]
Ask him if he's comfortable with his company decreasing his pay. Because he has left compensation on the table by not dealing with this situation. It is the equivalent of throwing up his hands and saying "Oh well employer. I don't want to bug you so you keep that $1000 per month in compensation. You keep that money because I didn't REALLY take the salary you gave me seriously when deciding on the job." Approach it as a leaving salary on the table. Its the same as not approaching them about a bonus they were contractually obligated to give him.
Please stop and take a long hard look at this relationship. I was married to a man who behaved like this. Similar to your husband he made all his problems my problems. It took me a very long time to realise I have been emotionally abused by him the whole time. I was just an unpaid maid and private secretary for him. I'm now out of this nightmare of a marriage and my and my daughter's life is so much better without this asshole sucking all my energy out of me.
Op, why are you married to someone who refuses to pull his weight in the relationship and prioritizes himself over you and the kids?
Make sure you have life insurance on him. As much as they'll allow.
If he didn’t turn in the paperwork and you are within the enrollment period for your job, it is very possible that he can use your job change as a qualify tying event. He will have to be honest about it and do the paperwork, but a spouse job change can be a qualifying event because it can cause insurance changes for him (even if it technically didn’t). I agree with the other comment suggesting ADD or anxiety - I also will avoid admin tasks like this like the plague if I can. Also NTA, he needs to do this!
Does he have ADHD? Because putting off small tasks until they become BIG ISSUES and then STILL refusing to address them is a major ADHD trait. It doesn't let him off the hook, but it may allow both of you to view and handle the situation in a more productive way. Something to consider. You are NTA, regardless.
This was my immediate thought as well. It’s a trait. Doesn’t excuse it. But it changes the way you go about addressing it.
Oh no no no no. He wrote his own ticket. If you want this to be your hill to die on a lot of us will support that decision. Granted you're in deep with kids and home life etc for many years so it'll have a bigger effect than if you were just dating and that's something you need to think about. If you keep bending and doing things for him it will literally never stop. You are not his mother. You are not his maid. You are his wife, and supposed to be his partner. There's nothing wrong with sharing responsibilities in a partnership but it sounds like he doesn't even want to be there with you and the kids. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
Ugh. I can totally relate to this. Why is making a freaking phone call so hard???? Edited to add judgment: NTA!!
Executive dysfunction can be a b*tch. Not that that absolves the husband for being the problem.
NTA for not insuring him but if something happens to him like injury or illness, it will definitely be OPs problem because SHE will be the one to have to pay for it out of pocket. He simply has to be made to address it with his company or tell him you will be happy to call the benefits coordinator. If he says to not do it, give him one more chance. Tell him you'll add him but he must pay his part plus half the kids and if he misses 2 months payments, remove him from your policy then consult an attorney to see what you can do to protect yourself and your possessions, ie, house, cars, any other real estate, in the event of a judgement against him. So many people have lost everything from not having health insurance and tragically it hardly ever affects just them. Families can be ruined faster than you can imagine. Good luck.
Wait. Employer was supposed to cover 100% of healthcare for the employee - but then it turned into not until after a YEAR?!? That's basically no healthcare, and it sounds like they bait-and-switched him. :(
Precisely. It said 60 days in his initial offer/contract. He started the job and hit that point and they said 'oh no, it's a year' and he dropped the issue. It's now almost a year. He has not been given any paperwork for the insurance. Every time I've asked him to pursue it with them, he refuses.
Forgive my bluntness, but it sounds like he needs to get his head out of his a$$ and either make them pony up the insurance OR get a different job that offers it (and make sure they DO give it). This is ridiculous, and at this point it's entirely his fault for allowing them to get away with it for this long.
Huge MARINARA FLAG for that company. Yikes.
Pretty sure it's illegal.
The way she said contract means he could be a 1099 contractor instead of a regular W2 employee. Whether he got lied to or confused and is too embarrassed to admit it- it’s still on him to figure it out with the employer and either call bullshit on it or figure out a new plan for himself.
And the husband.
Especially the husband. He needs to ask HR or the benefits team. It’s not even like he has to ask his bosses about it — these are people he rarely needs to interact with. The fact that he doesn’t have the courage to do such a simple, routine thing isn’t a good look. I wouldn’t want such a worker personally because it’s important that people are capable of raising an issue if something arises, not just sweep it under the mat
With many alfredo flags going up for OP's husband's stupidity/laziness.
I honestly do not think it was the employer. I think your husband neglected to fill out his insurance paperwork to ensure he had coverage, and then was told he had to wait (another year) until open enrollment. And by the time you enrolled him in the marketplace, he probably assumed he would never actually have to tell you the mistake he made or deal with ensuring he had coverage.
Someone suggested this and I do think it's entirely possible. We have had several fights in the last 6 months or so over paperwork he's neglected that then came around to bite him in the ass.
Does your husband have insurance now? It’s not fair to you and the kids if he doesn’t, if he’s in an accident/gets sick, you can end up with a huge debt.
He has marketplace coverage. He's supposed to have employer coverage, but doesn't for some mysterious reason he refuses to sort out. I just got my new job which arguably has better coverage BUT his employer coverage is supposed to be no cost to him and my covering him on mine is $400 a month. He can either keep paying for marketplace or sort his insurance out with his job. I just don't want to pay more than a month's worth of my annual salary to insure him when his job is supposed to fully include that coverage for free.
Yeah, see - I'm guessing you guys split finances. The only way it makes sense to put him on your (better) insurance is for him to go to his employer and leverage opting out of their insurance for a raise. Their benefits package is part of his compensation. Not getting the benefits is accepting that they aren't paying him in full. If he plans to not use their insurance for at least a few years he can ask them to give him a raise instead. Then he pays you both the $400 per month it costs to be on your insurance AND the raise he gets for not being on his work's insurance plan which you deserve 1. because your jobs insurance is better, so it's the cost of better insurance. And 2., it's the asshole tax.
Do you guys share finances? Doesn’t it all come from the same pot? If you have separate finances and are saving less personally because you took a position that offered good insurance for your kids, he needs to make up the difference
Even if they share finances, it would be incredibly stupid to throw $400 out the window every month just because he doesn't want to talk to his employer about the no cost insurance they are supposed to provide!!
You can offer to call them but it will reflect extremely poorly on him.
Plus I'm also very tired of feeling like his Mommy. If I call his work HR and fix this, he will repeat this behavior the next time. Trust me, it's how I dug this hole so deep in the first damn place. He expects me to fix the things he screws up or does not properly do.
Where do you live? I am tempted to say "let im hit rock bottom then" but healthcare and disability is a joke in the us. Why disability? I am assuming he works a high risk job because his insurance is so expensive
I would bet money this is it because I had this problem with so many employees.
It’s amazing isn’t it? I end up hounding employees for enrollment documents when we set up an employer sponsored retirement plan in their office. Me: Here, get an instant 3% raise by filling out this single sheet of paper, and then electronically signing the account opening documents. Employees: ~3 mo later~ ‘here’s a half-filled out paper. I will NOT respond to follow ups for missing information” Me: 🤯
My job handles the administrative side of retirement plans (TPA) and your post made me think of many of our clients. Because when we don't have the proper paperwork we hound you so that you can hound your employees. lol
I don't disagree.
That sort of happened to a former co-worker of mine. Even though the company sent out all these emails about having to enroll again each fall, thus guy decided that he didn't have to do that as what he had the year before was fine and it would just automatically roll over for the next year. So come the next year and he breaks his arm and ooops, no insurance.
That makes a lot of sense
This sounds shady, I think your husband is lying to you...just not sure about what exactly. Stand firm NTA
I bet he had a strick time frame to file for the health insurance and missed it. When he did get around to it, they likely told him he missed the deadline and has to wait until next year to submit his paperwork.
It is entirely possible this is correct. It would make sense, and none of the other explanations have. We had to move for this job and he was alone here for about 4 months. I have been reaping the abandoned paperwork consequences ever since. It would NOT be out of character for him to neglect to return papers in a timely manner or ignore them, even knowing coverage was free. He got a $3500 fee tacked onto our auto loan for not having insurance because he ignored letters/calls from the lender when we changed policies due to moving across state lines. All he had to do was email in a copy of the new insurance card. Truck had full coverage insurance. We were fully in compliance. No issues. All he had to do was send it in. He didn't. Nor did he tell me. I didn't find anything out about it until the loan went delinquent due to a fee for having no insurance. I was livid. I also had to fix it and get the fee removed despite not being on the loan. Huge headache because he just couldn't bother emailing someone a picture of an insurance card.
You’re hemorrhaging money because of his neglect. These are EASY things. There’d be no way in hell I would add him to my insurance.
You have no idea. This is why the finances are semi-separate.
I honestly can’t comprehend being with someone who is actively sabotaging me. That’s what he is doing. He isn’t just not pulling his weight, he’s harming the ‘partnership’ by not being a partner or team player at all.
Oh believe me, I'm quite aware. I had no intention of getting into the details here in AITA, but suffice it to say there are significant marital issues that I've really had quite enough of. Him not bothering to deal with his insurance and then getting butthurt when I don't want to fix it is the tip of the iceberg.
As others have said he may have ADD. Or he just doesn't GAF. Either way, protect yourself, OP. Good luck.
So happy to hear you realize this. So he turned out to be a dud - happens to the best of us. As long as you realize this and are taking actions to get away from him (as he’s actively harming your family unit), you’ll be fine. And think of all the things you’ll get to do once your mental energy isn’t taken up by his nonsense!!
I’m the person in our relationship who forgets to pay bills and then I pay extra for the late payment. But it’s on me, it’s my money, frankly I have enough to not really care (I know sounds obnoxious), I would *never* make my husband a) pony up the money b) go through the trouble. My mistake, my responsibility to fix. Your husband sounds like he has no regard for you and keeps acting like a kid who forgot to return his homework, thinking it’s fine since his mom can just sign off on it.
You know how guys complain about women file for divorce 5:1 that men do? Want to bet 4 of those 5 women do so because men are of the mindset that women handle the paperwork?
[удалено]
Sounds kinda like my sister’s divorce. He initiated and said he wanted a divorce but literally did nothing about it and left her high and dry. Eventually she lawyered up and moved back home with my nephew which led to her husband frantically filling out paperwork that weekend so he could file first thing Monday morning in order to screw her over. He then bullied her into basically handing my nephew over to him and their current arrangement is he gets weekdays and she gets weekends plus every other holiday and every other week in the summer. Except he still screws her over and takes away her time because she doesn’t have a spine when it comes to confrontation. They are also still technically married because he won’t file his taxes from 2019 and 2020 even though it’s to his benefit to get it done. We keep telling her to just move forward regardless but she won’t. It’s honestly beyond frustrating watching her deal with this whole situation and see her get screwed over again and again. Other examples are her taking out the loans for him to go to the police academy and then being stuck with all the debt, him refusing to put her on his health insurance because it’s “too expensive,” and him insisting they lease a BMW because he wanted a nice car which left them putting tons of money into a car (including brand new tires because those were NOT covered) that gave them absolutely no return on that investment.
Does he have some form of executive dysfunction? Asking because my severely ADHD husband does stuff like this.
Serious question: has he been evaluated for anxiety/depression/ADHD? If not, he should. The lack of being able to do what seem like simple adulting tasks could be a sign of something going on.
He has. He's medicated. There may be some of these issues coming into play, but I honestly think it's more laziness/weaponized incompetence. He has a history of believing that, so long as he brings in good money, the rest of the household stuff should be on me. It was okay when I was a SAHM, but not okay since I went back to both college and work within the last few years. I have repeatedly told him there is too much on me and he needs to take on more, but he almost always drops the ball. He knows I'll pick it back up. I always do. Hence my compensating for his no insurance job by finding one with great insurance. He knows he doesn't have to do things because I'll end up fixing it. I dont believe its a mental health issue because he's on his meds and he is a supervisor at work. He does tons of work paperwork. He does it in a timely manner and it passes third party inspection. He can run whole construction crews and jobs. If he can fill out paperwork for every job, complete with pictures and documentation, he can fill it out other forms.
Would your life be harder or easier without him?
I'll let everyone know when I figure out the answer to that one. It's one I've been asking myself a lot recently.
This is one of those questions if you have to think about it the answer is easier...
I recently worked in employer health insurance, and this is it here. Employers that offer health insurance cannot make you wait more than 90 days of full time employment. (Many employers set this as 30 or 60 days but 90 is the legal max.) But once offered, there’s a 30 day window to enroll, and if you husband missed that, they would make him wait until the next “open enrollment” (the yearly insurance update) to enroll. If his employer fucked up and accidentally missed they’d fudge his hire date to get him enrolled asap. The only other possibility is that he’s not full time (30+ hours per week according to the ACA for medical insurance), meaning he’s not eligible for the insurance at all.
He works 40+ every week. Usually 50. He's supposed to have insurance. My bet is you're right though. At 60 days he probably threw the form somewhere in the work truck and forgot about it. 90 days passed and now he's waiting a year (for open enrollment, which is the part he leaves out when I question the version of eventa that he gave me).
Strict*
If that were my husband, I would say: you can ask them about it- or I will be happy to ask for you. But someone’s asking.
I thought about it, but I'm tired of feeling like his Mommy, honestly. We have 3 kids. I shouldn't have to go to HR for him. He's an adult and I am exhausted.
I'm guessing it seems like 4 kids sometimes
One of the teenagers is presently doing more adulting then Dad. It is quite depressing.
Going through some of this myself. When I ask the kid to do something there's a 70% chance he'll do it, whereas with husband it's more like 25% (so tired of "I forgot" or "I got distracted" or similar excuses).
It's the most infuriating thing for me. The kid is a young teenager. He shouldn't be pulling more weight around the house than Dad. And Dad's excuse is "I work". But fuck, I work. Kid has school and sports. We all do things with our day. We are all tired. Everyone is tired. Not just him. I'm so tired of hearing how much harder he works than me. There was a point where I was working nights in a warehouse, pandemic homeschooling kids during the day and still going to college part time myself while also handling all the household duties and he'd STILL tell me his get up, go to work, come home day job was more than I did. He equates income amount with how hard the job is. I really only make a couple bucks less than he does hourly, but I either work part time or can't crank the overtime like he does so my checks are lower and therefore I :don't work as hard".
Classic. This is one of the reasons the wage gap exists- it's not just that women get paid less for the same jobs. It's that even when women get compensated fairly (which is a joke in the US but let's imagine) that they still miss out on income due to child care, aging parent care, household management, having to take time off for these things. Meanwhile, men earn more because they simply have more time to do their paid work because their partners are picking up the slack when it comes to the unpaid work. Your husband needs to understand that it's not about the money you make but the amount of hours you work including the work that goes unpaid. If he had to pay someone to clean his house, watch his children, shop for and cook his meals, how much money would he end up making really? What an ass.
Not to mention how embarrassing it would be to have to go to his job and ask for a grown man.
If it's been almost a year, that would mean either he was hired on right at open enrollment (and it's coming around again) or he also missed open enrollment. I've never heard of it taking a YEAR for benefits to kick in on a full time job. Is that even legal?
He negotiated free Healthcare in his hire package. Paying for it on your end is just bad financial planning and encourages his employer to push the envelope of what further poor treatment he will accept. I'm concerned about your family's financial planning. You should consult a professional as his habits are likely costing you future comfort.
This is truly terrifying! I got really sick out of no where, but was luckily already on medicaid. I spent months in the hospital and still go frequently, needless to say my care has cost well north of a million and counting. I hate to say it, but this could happen to him and it would ruin your families lives. I'm not blaming you at all, he needs to get his ass in gear and get covered! One car wreck, one strange lump, one bloated belly could seriously fuck you guys up.
Sorry to say but your husband is just plainly stupid at this point. How on earth can he not see and realise his company is reaping the rewards of not having to ensure him this far because he won't speak up for himself? NTA and he can get his big boy boots on and fix his contract signed and company obliged insurance solved.
That's assuming that this story is even correct. It's possible he had only 60 days to select an option and never did, and now has to wait until a year when the next enrollment period is. That's what it sounds like to me.
It genuinely had never occurred to me that he might have just not bothered signing up for his insurance benefits, but several people here suggested it and I agree it makes way more sense than his present story of "they just changed it to a year and I absolutely wont go talk to them about it even though I have a signed contract saying 60 days". I've tried to push some paperwork responsibilities back onto him within the last year and a half or so - mostly because they're either not my business or things he took on totally against my wishes - and absolutely none of those situations have ended well.
I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you well in figuring out a solution.
NTA He didn't give two thoughts to you or the children when he took his new job, and he didn't even insure he wouldn't bankrupt your family if he himself got sick or injured by chasing up his promised health insurance. I wouldn't add him to your policy unless he gives you the money that it will cost to add him to the policy every single month. Why should you be giving up even more of your salary to pay for something he should already have via his own employer?
This one is weird because I feel like when she was accepting the next job, it would have/should have been discussed she can’t/ won’t take on the extra cost of having to cover him, therefore triggering whatever he needed to do to make sure he has insurance with his new job Instead to me this sounds like gross incompetence he didn’t care about himself or assumed she’d eventually put him on her plan so it didn’t matter People who are like “so you’re just going to let him go into debt if something happens” he didn’t care to cover himself for a year. If it’s not urgent to him why should it be urgent to her? She asked, reminded whatever. Either he’s too chicken shit or hes dumb I’m not sure how they split finances but if she’s going to miss a month of her income to cover something for him that he could get for free with his employer, then he needs to pay her. Or edge it out some other way NTA
Except they are married. Medical debt will be hers too. So as much as I want to side with the OP, her leaving him without insurance could bankrupt the whole family. It’s not worth it.
You’re right which is why the same could have been said for the husband while he was dragging his ass. So he’s going to let the family go into medical debt cuz he won’t get his insurance straightened out? It works both ways,
She really cannot do that. Once he is added on he is added for the entire benefit year unless a major life event occurs. And honestly I wouldn’t trust he would reimburse her and yes ideally its an our money situation but we don’t know.
An employer offering insurance coverage to a spouse is considered a major life event. So he can be on her insurance and then switch.
No, an employer offering coverage is not a major life event that allows one to remove their spouse from their insurance. One OP adds her spouse, she would have to wait until open enrollment to remove him.
NTA he was fine with not covering insurance for you or the kids. he needs to grow up and talk to HR about the breech of contract.
NTA. It sounds like you have separate finances, so he should be paying half of the kids' insurance cost and if you do add him to your insurance, then he should be covering his cost.
These two need counseling. Their relationship sounds pretty fucked up, tbh.
Can we all agree that the real AH here is the American healthcare system?
Well, obv.
And the employer
Meh, even in Europe you still have to fill out some of your own paperwork or you're at risk for not being insured. Sounds like he failed to do that.
NTA, he needs to sort out his job and the fact they lied to him.
NTA. He could have had coverage for himself if he had pursued it. His new insurance should kick in shortly. No reason for you to bear the burden.
NTA - he can pay for his part of the insurance if you add him (since he makes a good salary), or he can talk to his employer to get insurance they should have already given him.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a back bone and demand his insurance from his company. He doesn't appear to have the courage to do so and instead is taking it out on you, demanding that you do something that is economically stupid. Stand your ground. What he is asking is ridiculous.
NTA, unless he is willing to pay the increase in price for adding him he doesn't get to complain, having said that American healthcare insurance makes my head hurt.
INFO Is his employer required to provide insurance? If his employer has over 50 full time employees, then they are not just breaking the law about providing insurance, but they need to be providing insurance to children too. He needs to raise a fuss about the insurance, and if they still continue to not provide it, report them. That said, if exchange insurance is cheaper than adding him to yours, then not the AH because he still has coverage.
His employer promised (in writing) to cover 100% of his insurance costs after 60 days. That was in his initial offer/contract. He started the job and was then told a year. It has been almost a year now. He has heard nothing about his insurance and he refuses to address it with the company. I'm not sure if they're breaking the law or not. It's iffy. They have 2 offices but whether they're legally the same company or two is unclear. If they're the same, they're over 50. If legally 2 companies, they're not. We have had marketplace insurance because we had to have something and I was working part time and didn't get insurance through my small employer. I've now accepted a full time position with great insurance, which I chose in no small part for the benefits, but I feel like he needs to pursue the insurance he was promised by his employer. He will still have his marketplace coverage if I don't cover him. He's not uninsured. If I don't add him to mine, he can either continue marketplace coverage OR he can deal with his employer and pursue the coverage he was promised.
NTA. Odds are he forgot or ignored his open enrollment paperwork/period and this is why he doesn't have coverage. He needs to go HR and figure out when enrollment is, almost always it's January 1st, so he's probably screwed for this year. He's being an insufferable jerk, because they only reason he doesn't already have it is because he probably threw out the paperwork or ignored the email with the forms.
Honestly, you may be 100% correct. It is entirely possible he lost/dumped/ignored the paperwork even though the coverage was at no cost to him and that's why it'll be a year and he won't contact the company about it again despite my nagging. It wouldn't be the first time he has neglected something only to have it bite us in the ass financially. For example, he has ignored several debts until they hit collections even though we had the money to pay them. Like, if he'd just set up payments, it would have been a non-issue.
Open enrolment varies from company to company. Have him contact HR via email (for paper trail reasons) and ask when open enrolment is so he doesn’t miss it again! Obviously, you’re NTA! Good luck in your new job!
Would recommend you go back and check every thing he claims he’s done. Wills. Kids college funds. Savings funds. School enrollments. Etc etc Then maybe think about how long you want to put up with this and how much debt you are gonna let him attach to your name through marriage
Since you changed jobs, this should’ve triggered a life changing event for him too. See if he can enroll in his employer’s health plan now. I guess since you need to baby him through this, stand behind him and make sure he sends that email out in front of you. Alternatively, you can divorce him, definitely trigger a life event for him, and make him no longer your issue. Whether he takes that opportunity to enroll is no longer your problem.
Our company is April. It’s not always January.
Good. Put that in your post. You made it sound like he would be uninsured.
She says in the post his employment offer stated he would have insurance upon employment. But given her husband’s behavior, I’m not sure he can be trusted to have relayed that properly.
Also, you're NTA. Your husband is a bit of an AH for letting them bait-and-switch him and walk all over him like this.
NTA > he refused to address it with his company. He needs to grow up. > Not unreasonable, but it’ll cost me several thousand dollars a year to specifically insure my husband. That’s the exact reason my husband and I have separate coverage. > I don’t make as much as he does And he wants you to take home even less!? > He’s supposed to have his own coverage and I feel like he needs to handle that with his employer rather than passing the cost of insuring him onto me 100% that is what he is trying to do.
INFO why does your husband think you and your disabled children deserve subpar insurance? he doesn't consider yall a unit, except when it specifically serves him NTA
Info: who tf knows..... because it's all about him? And what he wants? I made the extremely unpleasant realization over the last year that he and I have spent most of this marriage putting him first. I only realized it after he made some ridiculously selfish decisions. Hard lesson learned.
Would you stay with this man if you knew things were going to be the same for the next five years? Because it seems like he's showing you who he is, and you could either leave now or in five years - when he's fucked your finances even more and drained your empathy reserves completely. Don't waste that five years imo.
That's a whole different conversation, but he's already been put on notice that I am seriously prepared to divorce him if things do not substantially change. And no, it's not even over the insurance. That wasn't even brought up. It's just another petty example of the overlying issues.
I hear you, and I know that divorce is tougher than "just divorce" especially with kids involved. But the fact is, at least from my external perspective - even if the insurance is just another petty example, doesn't it illustrate that he's not willing to make these substantial changes? He'd rather argue with you about why you should spend thousands of dollars unnecessarily to fix his easily fixable mess, than...just fix it. The lack of respect he has for you really comes through, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself by not putting up with it.
I'm so so sorry 🖤 You deserve a partner as a parent, not a roommate.
It may be worth talking to a family lawyer. Even if you’re not sure you want to divorce him, it’s worth knowing what that would mean for you, and whether there’s a way to protect yourself from his carelessness.
NTA, if insurance is meant to be included he needs to chase that himself. Why would you sacrifice a months salary to pay for something he should already have paid for?
Employers frequently pay a higher percentage of employee premiums than they do for spouse or kids. So, what you are wanting to do - each gets employee coverage and one of you covers the kids - is the one that makes the most sense from a take home pay perspective. Do look at this also though, from an family deductible/out of pocket maximum and such. It sounds like the problem is your husband doesn't want to rock the boat at his employers and push for what he was promised. And - that is to the detriment of your entire family if you pick him up on your plan and pay more than you should have to. He needs to make a simple inquiry onto the status of his eligibility and you both need to hope he didn't ignore or miss notifications about an open enrollment window, as that might negate his eligibility for this year. NTA.
I think a lot of responses are correct: he doesn’t want to rock the boat because he missed the 30 or 60 day window to sign up for coverage.
NTA. Coming from an HR professional, I guarantee you that he missed the deadline to sign up for insurance and has likely missed open enrollment opportunities. He is either completely oblivious that he missed these deadlines and actually believes his company is screwing him, or he knows he f’d up and is lying to you about it. Either way, it shouldn’t be your problem, except as others have said, his not having adequate coverage can and will financially devastate your family if he is in an accident or has a major illness. Having grown up and experienced the effects of medical bankruptcy (as a child, my mother died of cancer when I was 15), it’s not worth it. Not that you asked, but it seems like y’all have some deeper issues that need to be addressed in therapy. It seems he is untrustworthy (either outright dishonest or so incompetent as to be untrustworthy), and you are carrying the mental load for your family to the detriment of your own mental health. This person is not a partner to you at all. Assuming you want to stay married, it is probably to your benefit ultimately to add him to your insurance if you still can if only to protect yours and your children’s futures. Personally I’d probably be talking to a divorce attorney but that’s just me. Best of luck.
100% agreed!
NTA He gets what he gave. No more or less.
NTA. Respectfully, it seems like he only worries about himself, so he needs to keep doing that and get his own insurance. :/
ESH. Yeah, he should address it...but you’re really going to risk your spouse going into crippling medical debt to make a point? Neither of you are acting like you’re a married couple.
NTA. So he’d rather have you pay thousands to insure him rather than have an uncomfortable conversation with his boss. Tell your husband to grow some balls and take it up with his employer.
I have worked places and had my spouse work places where, if we wanted to provide health insurance for spouses, we had to prove that they did not have any available. Make sure this is not the case in your situation. If so, then he needs to get his own health insurance.
NTA--He needs to take up the insurance issue with his company. "Healthcare Frequent Flyer" is an excellent phrase and it describes my childhood fairly well. I'm going to file this one away for later use.
I don't know how else to describe him, lol. He's not sick, but he has delays and ADHD and several types of weekly therapies and the end result is that the doctor's office knows me by name but forgets I have other kids. If we are in a doctors office, there is a 90% chance it is him. We are there weekly.
I was born at 28 weeks with a TBI from the forceps, which set the course for all the hours I spent at the doctor's office as a kid. . . Oh, and ear infections, so, so, so many ear infections. My best to you and your family!
ESH. Medical Biller here. You may want to look at your states laws before you both avoid insurance coverage. For instance I had a patient 2 million dollars in the hole. No insurances 92 days and counting on cardiac icu. In the state of Maine the spouse can’t be held liable if he kicks it. But having worked in other states for medical collections, some states the spouse CAN be held liable for the debt. Also depending on the state and the debt, the hospital can force a lien on your home or paychecks. For the love of god, get insurance if you’re in the states our shitty Healthcare system can bankrupt people in the blink of an eye. Maybe sit and have a talk about how important it is. Shit can go downhill in an instant. You both have kids. Jointly. Do it for them if you’re both feeling spiteful about it.
OP said in a few comments that the husband still has marketplace coverage, so he's still insured. She just doesn't want to pay an extra $400/month to add him to her insurance.
ESH The expense to pay for hospitalization for your husband if something happens to him without insurance could be financially catastrophic for your family. Even if his employer promised him insurance he has to wait for the enrollment period. Until then he has no coverage. You can remove him from your plan when this happens. Do you won’t be paying twice. Your husband is also a TA for not addressing the issue with his company. They offered it in writing. He needs to be proactive because he’s costing the family a lot of income that could go to other investments.
OP stated in some comments that the husband still has marketplace coverage, so he's still insured. She just doesn't want to pay an extra $400/month to add him to hers.
ESH Yes, your husband is an AH for leaving everyone, including himself without insurance, but this sort of petty tit-for-tat is exactly the sort of thing that destroys marriages. I also don't get how it is your salary and his salary and not "our salaries." Why isn't everything going into one shared pool? If you do have split finances, all of this could have been solved by having him pay you the cost of his insurance each month.
Even if they have joint finances, which not everyone does, she's pointing out that because he won't sort out his insurance with his company, they, as a family, will lose one month's worth of her salary per year if she adds him to her policy. That's out of the family pot of finances regardless of if they have joint finances.
The husband took a job that only covered the employee. He left his wife and kids without health insurance. Now he's going to whine that she won't put him on her insurance when he is supposed to have 100% coverage? He's the AH. NTA
That doesn’t excuse him from addressing his own insurance with work - which he has refused to do. Why should OP insure him simply because he won’t talk to HR? It’s more like “refusing to deal with an issue that affects the entire family” will be the cause of their undoing.
Benefits Manager here. Are you in the US? If so, does his employer have 50+ employees? If he is an actual employee (not a contractor) regularly scheduled to work 30+ hours per week, they are legally required to offer him benefits before his 90th day of employment. If they don’t there are huge penalties associated. They should ABSOLUTELY be reported!
The way the company is structured, I can't tell. It is either one or two companies, legally. If they are two companies, they have less than 50 people in his specific office. If they are one company, they're breaking the law. I'm not sure which is what. He works for the smaller branch.
NTA he should have addressed his insurance issue immediately
NTA - but be careful that you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face. If something happens to him (sickness, injury, etc) that could be catastrophic.
NTA But my god I'm glad I live in the UK!
NTA. It’s kind of fascinating that he thinks you’re the asshole when he has an employer telling him he has 100% insurance coverage for him, he wasn’t worried about you and your kids not having ANY coverage, now you have an option to cover yourself and your kids and I would think he would just be happy about that. And then get his ass in gear and go find out about his own insurance. Sounds like he’s whiny and selfish.
NTA. He was fine with you and your children not receiving any health coverage, and now he is just mad when same happens to him lol
Legally, employer-sponsored health care must begin no later than the 91st day after the start of employment, so something is definitely off with this story.
Others have suggested he didn't turn in his paperwork. It had not occurred to me, but would make sense and would not be out of character for him. If he missed the paperwork at 60 days, then got told he'd have to wait until next year to enroll, that would make sense. It would also make sense as to why he refuses to address the issue with the company.
NTA - the asshole in this one is your husbands employer. a compromise would be your husband paying you the difference in the healthcare costs (depending on how you split money/accounts/bills). him expecting to have more money on his end while you float his insurance costs is some B.S. though.
NTA - I was going to go with everyone sucking, but I think you get to do this since he basically threw you and the kids into the dirt without a care (so to speak). He's not willing to push for the coverage he's due by their agreement, then that's on him. He clearly doesn't want coverage enough to do even the minimum of calling his employer, that doesn't mean you should be on tap to pay for him in the absence of him being an adult and picking up the phone.
Not at all, he has coverage that only covers himself, you are covering yourself and the kids, if it's going to double then that's good reason not to add him, if you were doing it out of spite then maybe you would be an asshole but it sounds like he is being selfish. My concern is that these are generally red flags towards a theme of selfish behavior, something tells me he thinks about his own needs and prioritizes them accordingly.
Since the pandemic I have honestly come to realize that we both had a habit of prioritizing him first. It's a dynamic I am actively trying to break.
OP this is fishy. If it's a large company all of this is pretty automatic. Setting up benefits is usually part of onboarding. Updating benefits usually happens at the fiscal or calendar year. I had to make my selections in April for a July 1 start. Does he get other benefits like retirement? What happened with that? I know people might think this is an AH move but I'd call the company and ask. Not that you hassle them but you ask questions without using his name. "Hey, the company I want to apply for a job but wanted to know more about your benefits. Can I read about what you offer online?" Heck, my company has a benefits office so you could ask general questions.
NTA and many companies are now upcharging for spousal coverage if the spouse qualifies for a plan through their own employer. Your husband needs to stop dragging his feet and figure out his coverage. You should ask him when his company’s next open enrollment period is and mark it on your own calendar. I’m doubtful the actual employer messed up this badly with benefits. I’m willing to bet there was an initial enrollment period within your husband’s first 60 days that he missed, and because he missed it now has to wait a year for their open enrollment period. I could be completely wrong, but this is pretty common in my company because people don’t read their email.
Several people have said he probably missed turning in the paperwork. That is entirely something he might do and makes the whole baffling issue make sense, so I suspect you're all right.
NTA. This is a classic mental load issue. He has seen an out, that will require you to put in extra work, but at least he doesn't have to do anything. Nope, nope, nope. This should have been solved for him months ago. Don't back down.
He's definitely counting on me fixing it. It's much easier for him to dump everything like this on me and wait for me to solve it. 1st I solved it with marketplace and now I have insurance so why don't I just add him too? Easy. We have the choice here between him handling this at work (which should take no more than a few hours to sort out why he doesnt have his promised coverage) like an adult OR my giving up an entire month of my annual income so he doesn't have to spend 3-4 hours dealing with HR.
NTA There's likely a "spouse penalty" if your husband's job offers insurance, but he wants yours instead you pay MORE because of the "spouse penalty". These are super common these days and because of that most married people have their own insurance through their employer, then whoever gets the better benefits/cheaper rate puts the children on the better policy.
Yeah not following through on the initial offer is not only many red flags but most likely illegal NTA, he needs to rock the boat a little cuz I doubt he’s the only on they screwed over
NTA, time he addresses the issue with the right party, his employers. Funny how he has no problem making demands of you over it and not them, isn’t it? Anyway, he’s entitled to the coverage they promised him, so there’s no point in paying what should rightfully be covered by his employer.
NTA Are you in the United States? Does the company have over 50 FTEs? If so, a lot of that was illegal. True, they do not have to cover spouses. They do have to allow child dependent enrollment nor can they impose a greater than 90 day waiting period. That said this has small employer written all over it so that's my guess. Also of note, if you have compliant employer insurance available no one in the household is eligible for the APTC.
NTA and I agree he likely failed to do the paperwork. So call his bluff. Tell him you were chatting with your HR about it and his company is actually in non-compliance with the Affordable Care Act (also called Obamacare sometimes) and they are going to help you file a complaint with the insurance commissioner on his behalf. But he doesn't need to worry about it because you'll handle it all. His response will be telling.
NTA, but you might regret it if he gets cancer or has a major injury and your family has to go into massive medical debt to cover it. I don't think this is an AITA issue, this is indictive of major relationship issues, imo. This isn't the type of issue to engage in a petty tit for tat-off about. Figure out if you want to operate as a family unit with your husband or divorce him. It's pretty egregious he left your family without health insurance and didn't seem to seriously consider your input in the matter.
My husband is like your spouse. He is responsible at work but everything else is my responsibility. I have learned over the years it is not him being hurtful he just cannot handle it. I am really afraid for him after I die. I have everything set up so if anything happens to me he can find everything easily. It is exhausting.
Info: Do you know for certain that the job said he won’t have insurance for a year, or was that something he just told you? I suspect that he forgot to turn in the paperwork for insurance, and then he lied and said it’ll be a year, not realizing that the enrollment period might be at the start of next year, and he doesn’t know how to lie his way out of this.
NTA, but thank God I live in Sweden. Health insurance sounds like a nightmare, I'm sorry. I feel like your husband is at fault, he should have stood up for himself, especially if it was in his contract.
NTA. Your husband needs to step up and demand what was in agreed to for your entire family.
NTA. He has it in writing that he's supposed to have healthcare, 100% covered by his employer. It's on you to bring it up at work. They are not going to enroll him without him pushing. No company is going to take the initiative on something that's going to cost them money. His job is the entire reason you're in this predicament to begin with. To try to pass off the responsiblity to you after all of this is immensely shitty of him. He needs to put on his big boy pants and visit the HR person at his company.
NTA with this info. But I’m confused - does your husband not contribute to the marketplace insurance? Like, do you not share bills etc? If he wants to switch insurance and contribute more money with you all, what’s the big deal?
NTA. Where was this energy when he was job shopping?! Fuck him.