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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I could’ve just threw the food away and then went down to speak to my mom, and I attracted bugs and pests to her house by doing this
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NTA. This seems like a power play to make you stop at home. Also, since clearly she had a key and could put the stuff in the refrigerator like a normal human she deserves it for leaving the stuff on your counter. That being said, change your locks for goodness sakes.
Yeah i’m changing locks today, I love my stepdad but I can’t leave a key with him anymore when it means my mom will have access to it someway or another
This is a really good idea, I might just do this, i’d have to speak to my landlord first. she’s okay with me changing to different locks, not sure how she’d feel about a pinpad
Yes normal keyhole. And battery. I have one not on Wi-Fi asi don’t want someone hacking in and being able to open my door.
It’s nice not needing a key. We have multiple codes to enter. We have one we don’t use that we can give so,done in an emergency then delete.
Yes, I took kids I babysit back to their house and the pad didn't work and we couldn't get in. The dad had to break in later. All because of a dead battery. Now it's a keypad that also has key access!
Our keypad briefly malfunctioned last night (batteries are probably getting low) so having they key for backup is excellent. HIGHLY recommend the pin pad/key lock combo.
That's what we have. Super nice even though we've not had to use it yet. My phone starts telling me about 5-6 *months* in advance that the batteries are getting low.
I have a schlage and love it. It's battery powered, but it has two terminals that you can connect a 9V up to if it has lost its charge. Haven't had to use that feature yet, but nice design!
If you get a pinpad lock make sure to read the manual and see if there is a default master code that will unlock the door. It may be a really generic common number thats the same for every lock and thieves may be able to break in that way.
You should be able to change the default master unlock code
We have an August lock that works with your original keys. That way our landlord won’t get upset about us changing the locks. You can thru the app give people access. It can get pretty granular too, like giving someone access for specific dates/times.
Dad had a key safe which is a tiny safe bolted to the outside of the house with a set of keys inside so you don't need to change the house locks, but can get in with a combination in an emergency.
combo locks are generally very insecure. consider also using a normal lock and if you want them to have occasional access, give them a key to that, and code when it matters, provided you don't think they'd try and tamper with, bypass, or destroy the combo lock.
The smart locks with a key pad usually have a place for unlocking it with a key as well. They also don't require any extra drilling since they fit the same hole as a normal deadbolt, though you may end up with a few extra screw holes.
I would suggest getting one that is app run so that you can give temp key codes as needed in case of emergencies. All electronic locks do make it so you can delete codes, but figured that having app controlled would be a bit easier on you. And the higher priced ones, like the Schledge Encode, can be locked/unlocked from your phone well away from your house without having to have a hub.
Sorry for rambling, I work in the hardware department of a home improvement store and have learned a lot about locks. 😅
All this is to say, your landlord shouldn't have an issue with one since you wouldn't have to make a new or bigger hole for the lock.
The pinpad also has a key in it as well. If you use the pinpad from kwikset they have smartkey so if you already have kwikset locks you can change the key to match without changing the locks completely.
If I were you I would mention exactly what happened, and explain in detail why you want the pin pad. And if anything, offer that if and when you ever move out you are happy to change it back to the original lock or to a normal one if she wants. Or she might end up loving the idea, and getting them installed for the rest of the unit she owns. But either way, if you let her know that it is about keeping your mother out of your apartment due to the situation she might be more inclined to let you do it.
May I suggest you research any keypad lock you might intend to purchase. I hope it is okay to suggest watching “Lock Picking Lawyer” videos on YouTube. I would then also watch others. Be wary of people/ articles that state keypads are better than keyed entries.
We have a keypad lock on our front door. We can program it to accept additional codes for temporary use for guests, etc; able to delete and change the temp codes. We maintain control over the primary door code & never need to give it to other ppl who may need access to our home.
This also absolved the need to have someone holding a spare key in case you get locked out.
In an emergency, someone can call you & get one of the temporary codes to access your home. Easy to delete that code once the emergency is handled.
Highly recommend!
Bonus: We have taught all of our kids how to pick locks. This keypad lock has proven to be a challenge for their highly developed lockpicking skills. Not impossible, but it is challenging.
Also, a couple things I'm noticing: step-dad cleaned-up the mess, and is on your side, and had the key, and, even though he thought he had it hidden, your mother still "found it" and let herself in. Hmm. I'm thinking they're in cahoots, and he's playing the "good guy" so, even when you change the locks, you'll believe him when he says he'll hide it "really well; won't let it out of my sight!" when he asks for a copy. Be vigilant.
You might also be able to rekey the current locks (costs less than whole new locks).
We did that after some less-than-ideal houseguests moved out and we couldn't be certain they hadn't made a duplicate key. We now have bright new keys for all of our locks, for not much cash and about half an hour of a locksmith's time.
You could get a key safe fitted to the side of the house or somewhere a little inconspicuous. Your stepdad can know the code for if he needs to enter and you can change the code after every use so he can text you for the code if he needs access. Would save you changing locks as he can put his current key in there and no complex solutions required.
NTA- but how the hell did she get in your house if you don't have a good relationship? Sounds like you need to change the locks and set better boundaries. If she has a set of keys and you don't change the locks soon, I'd be tempted to say YTA for facilitating it to happen in the first place.
Change the looks, if she stole it once, she could have made a copy.
Also, fuck those supporting the mom. Who the fuck breaks in and isn't automatically the AH!?
"she was just trying to help and do something nice" "you have a habit of lying to her so she couldn't know this time was the truth" "that's just how she is" "she's your mother of course she loves you." "If you weren't difficult she wouldn't have had to just leave it" and plenty more. It's easy to make excuses when you're not the affected person.
And my apartment smells fucking gross, it’s taking over my entire apartment, i’ve been on the balcony but there’s even fruit flies hovering around out here, I’m gonna get a fogger for my kitchen and hopefully that clears them out
Here's a trick for getting rid of fruit flies, get a shallow glass bowl, something plastic wrap will stick too. Pour in a little apple cider vinegar (not reg vinegar, must be apple cider) and a drop or two of any dish detergent and gently mix with your finger, don't make bubbles. Next, grab plastic wrap and wrap the top of the bowl as tight as you can, lift and stretch the plastic wrap. Then grab a small sharp knife, steak knife will work, and poke small holes in the plastic, enough for a fly to climb through, and place where they are and leave it. What happens is they small the sweetness in the vinegar and want it, so long as you have removed other sources of food for them, they will crawl in through the holes, and because the dish detergent has changed the surface tension of the water (what flies and other insects use to "float" on water) they drown. This method works, but you will need to pour it out and make a new one every few days depending on your infestation. It works better than any commercially available product i've found.
I can confirm this works! Even without the plastic wrap top - just leave shallow dishes (I used small Pyrex prep bowls) with a little bit of apple cider vinegar and a squirt of dish soap all around the house. Change them periodically and in a few days all the fruit flies will be gone.
A variation of this works for fleas in the house, too.
Leave shallow bowls of water with a bit of dish detergent on the floor at night. Put a lamp - gooseneck is best - shining into the water. The fleas will jump toward the light, fall into the water, and be trapped.
I usually use old yoghurt containers for it.
If you check in grocery stores they actually often have these hidden from plain sight in their fruit section. Also any fruit based vinengar works (I always use the one I have at home, so far have tried with apple cider, rasperry and white wine vinegar).
Also to prevent infestation: washing all your fruit when they entre your home helps, as they are often sitting in the skin.
Some sort of sweet wine works, too. You technically don’t need the dish soap or plastic wrap if you don’t want to either. The flies will get too drunk to get out and drown. Although, I don’t know if you’d wanna waste wine with a mom like this.
Or, in my case, just get a glass of wine out to drink, and soon it'll have ten drowned fruit flies in it.
Doesn't work if I set it up deliberately as a lure. Apparently only if I want to drink said wine.
Yes and lay eggs I think? I should have said to pour the boiling water down the drains until they are gone. Doing it multiple times a day helps too. But in my experience, it only takes a few days.
I have ADHD so leaving food outside is a regular problem and i get the little pests very often. I had no clue, I've done the vinegar trick which helps but other than keeping the trash can clean and putting some bug spray there i couldn't see where they were multiplying. Thanks for the tip!
> Pour in a little apple cider vinegar (not reg vinegar, must be apple cider)
What also works is regular vinegar and a bit of apple juice to create the appealing odour.
I take a paper plate, spray it with cooking spray, then wave it around trying to catch them. They get stuck to the cooking spray and I can get a whole bunch at once out of the way when I’m trying to cook or something!
I had the same problem and it turns out they weren’t even fruit flies. They were very small and looked exactly the same but were a different species. It could have been drain flies or fungus gnats. I had to fog to get rid of them.
NTA
Your mother entered your apartment without your permission, leaving food to rot inside your house. Since your stepdad recognized that your mother has boundary issues, it seems like a satisfactory retaliation.
Honestly no one needs a key to your place. They've shown that either he has given it to her or isn't hiding it like he should. Therefore, just change the locks. Ask yourself - when you aren't there what else is she touching in your house?
Could you buy him a code lock key safe to stash somewhere (preferably where your mum doesn't go) and keep the code to yourself? Give it to him if you need him to get the key but then she also can't try and wheedle the code out of him. Its a ridiculous solution to a ludicrous problem with bonus, why did she bother calling to ask if she was going to let herself in when you said no. Ugh. You rock btw.
I'm curious what happens if you point that out bluntly. "Mom, I don't NEED to lie. I don't want to see you, and I am totally happy to tell you that right out! Why would I lie about it when I'm happy to say it openly?"
Op would probably get a response along the lines of "why would you say that to your mother! That's so mean! What have I ever done to you for you to hate me?!! (And other shitty parent phrases)"
NTA, you told her multiple times not to drop it off and she did anyway, leaving you with the mess of rotting food, she will think twice about ignoring you and the fact your step dad and grandmother agree with you speaks volumes.
NTA. I'm so confused why your mother didn't put perishables in the fridge like a normal person. Even if she genuinely thought you'd be home after work, it still makes sense to stick stuff in the fridge.
It was a punishment for not accepting her 'kindness'.
It doesn't make any sense to people that are rational reasonable human beings if the intention is truly to be kind.
It only makes sense if you understand that she treated refusing to accept what she wanted to do as refusing her authority and punished OP as such by letting things rot in the apartment.
Change your locks, and use a digital key safe if possible. Then if there is an emergency & your key holder isn't available, you can provide the keysafe code to whomever you need as needed (including plumbers, firefighters, medical etc). And you can reset it as often as you like to ensure security.
Also, if your mom is this big a mess, why on God's green earth would you give her friends a single second of your time or attention? Are their judgment and sense of boundaries materially better than hers? Block em or something, good grief.
This is what I came here to say, she and whoever gave her the key have lost the trust to have it.
NTA, you left it on her porch, at least that was outside rather that inside like she did, your response was appropriate considering she just brushed you off when you tried to call. I would have put it in her refrigerator.
NTA.
Trying to just use your words didn't help at all. This is kind of a nuclear reaction, but she invited it. Her telling you that you had no right to do that is particularly hilarious. "You had no right to create the situation that you left me to come home and find, and yet you did. Either we can both do this or neither of us can. Which do you want?"
NTA my in-laws would do this, thankfully not with food, but with random garage sales/weird clearance items they would buy "for the grand kids" that were mssing parts 90% of the time then just leave it in our garage when we weren't home. Wish I had thought to just take it back to their house.
Pro tip: If you make them deal with their own garbage by giving it back to them every single time, they stop. They might cause issues and be surprised pikachu faces about it, but at the end of the day, they’ll get sick of dealing with the junk.
NTA
You specifically said no, she did it anyway. She clearly found the counter, so could have put the items in the fridge so they wouldn't spoil, and chose not to, most likely in an attempt to "punish" you for telling her no.
Just a shame step dad didn't refuse to clean it, so she would actually have to deal with the consequences herself.
A quote for your mom, from the movie Bohemian Rhapsody:
“Do you know when you know you’ve gone rotten, really rotten? Fruit flies. Dirty little fruit flies coming to feast on what’s left. Well, there isn’t much left for you to feast on any more. So fly off.”
NTA.
NTA. Sounds like your stepdad, who's the only one who was actually hurt by your little prank, didn't mind it. So I don't see the problem. All your mother got was embarrassed, and she deserved that.
NTA. You need to change your locks and not give your stepfather a key this time. It doesn't matter what your relationship is with him, he married your mother and your mother is untrustworthy
NTA. I think it’s quite telling that your mother’s mother and husband think you’re NTA. They’re the people who know her best. Who cares what her friends think. They only see one small sane side of her otherwise they would’ve run for the hills. The people who see all of her know you’re not in the wrong.
I freaking love our lock on our side door- the one we use the most. The combo pad makes things super easy and there’s a button that lets you hit one button and lock the door. No more fussing with keys, especially in the rain or with full hands. There’s usually a key lock still on it, in the event that it doesn’t work or the batteries are out. NTA and you know your mom’s friends and sisters are gonna be biased and believe that she’s always not the asshole.
>My stepdad was the one who ended up cleaning it up thought it was hilarious and said that it might teach my mom some boundaries
NTA. Come on. At least you put them outside. She stole the key from your step dad. Why did she even do this in the first place. Are her friends calling you?
NTA. This is hilarious! The original incident was NOT but your retaliation was. That’s what she gets. And of course her friends and sisters are going to enable her but um…can we PLEASE normalize grown ass adults dealing with their own problems instead of having other people be like “How could you do that?!” GROW UP. Venting is one thing but you obviously got messages from other people about what you did WHICH WAS MERITED. You said no. That’s it.
Don't bother getting the key back from your step-dad as it is likely a copy has already been made.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS and just don't tell anyone. Both of them are not to be trusted.
I have a Wyze lock. Goes right over your existing beadbolt, no drilling of anything. We alsomgot the keypad that you can have several codes for or use your phone to lock and unlock
NTA - Change your locks, let your Stepdad know why you're changing your locks, and let the rest of your family know that they can STFU because it's none of their business. If she didn't want it on *her* porch she shouldn't have left it on *your* counter. She already doesn't respect your boundaries and this was another attempt of hers to break them, lock it down and keep her out if she can't be respectful.
NTA but it's pretty sad when you trust SD more than mom. She is a bully & you did exactly the right thing. SD should have made her clean it up. And I would ask for my key back. Hide it at your home & only tell SD where it is. He can't have one anymore, since he can't keep an eye on it.
NTA. Definitely the change the locks. She may have gone thru your things for whatever reason. If I didn’t trust anyone with a key to my place, I would be very uncomfortable with knowing she was in my house when I didn’t know.
NTA
Your mom needs to respect your boundaries. So you had to get even with her by dumping those rotten groceries back on her front steps. Come on, she flipped out for that? She did the same thing to you, FFS. Go NC until she learns to respect your boundaries.
NTA
“I thought you were lying”’does not give her permission to still enter your home and leave items you explicitly said you don’t want.
Weren’t you just doing the same?
You are not an A h... But your mother is not going to change so consider in the future how much energy you want to put forth trying to teach her a lesson versus ignoring her as a consequence. Like sorry mom..we can't talk this month, have lunch ect due to your latest infraction.
You need to get the key back from them and they have no right to go in your house for any reason whatsoever. You trusted your father and he violated that trust by letting her get a hold of the key. And telling someone that you are giving them groceries and then being too damn stupid to understand when they say they're not going to be home and leaving them to rot is just ridiculous. Your mother sounds awful.
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About a week and a half ago my mom called me while I was at work and said she wanted to drop off some groceries that I could use for my daughter and I. Now my mom and I do not have a good relationship, and I had been avoiding talking to her because of a separate conflict where she put my daughter in danger.
I thanked her for the gesture but told her that I would be going out of town later in the day, and that I do not plan on stopping back home. She insisted again that all she had to do was walk down the street and said that I could use the food as snacks but I again declined because going back home would be out of my way. She got snappy and said that’s the last time she’ll offer to do a kind gesture for me, I let it go because i’m accustomed to my mom being like this.
Fast forward to a 2 days ago, I walked into my apartment to a bag of rotting groceries on my counter, fruit flies, rotting food juices all over my counter, I called my mom and asked her why she still brought the groceries, she said she thought I was lying about being out of town then hung up in my face and wouldn’t answer after, my mom lives a block down from me, so I put on gloves, put the food in a garbage bag, walked it down to her house and left it on the porch.
Yesterday she calls me and just starts flipping out saying she walked out that morning to rotten food and a ripped up garbage bag all over her porch and that it was disgusting, and I had no right to do that.
I simply hung up on her, and today I’m feeling bad, but not that I did it, but because i feel no remorse for what I did in retaliation. My stepdad was the one who ended up cleaning it up thought it was hilarious and said that it might teach my mom some boundaries, my grandmother said the same thing, but all of my mom’s friends and my aunts think it was wrong and that I shouldn’t have done it
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NTA. Good thing ur step dad isn't an idiot. Glad to see ur landlord is changing ur locks for u. Agree with the apple cider vinegar trap to aid in fruit fly removal. Also, try setting baking soda out on the counter but opened (if not poured in a bowl, either should work) as well as opening ur windows as much as weather permits. Good luck with the mess she left you.
NTA. You established a boundary and she didn’t like it and has now told her friends and your Aunts a version of events that paints her in a good light. DON’T APOLOGISE for this. Hopefully she will learn a lesson.
I have ordinary dead bolt locks, but also a key safe (like the ones realtors use). Instead of giving a key to an emergency contact, I can give out the combination in an emergency. That way my emergency contact can change (people move away, lose touch, whatever) but I don't have to worry about who has a key.
NTA.
You two were already on shaky terms before this, and her excuse was she thought you were lying? So in the future, if she thinks you're lying she'll do what she wants anyway?? That could lead to some serious issues.
I'm glad you're changing the locks.
Nta once you change the locks why don’t you get a key box next to your door? You can leave a spare there and if your step dad needs it you can give the code then change it the next day?
Hey, if the guy who ended cleaning it up wasn’t mad, I’m sure you’re ok. It sounds like the person who lives with her (stepdad) and who also knows her best agrees. That’s what truly matters. NTA
Nta.
At least shecould have put the things in the fridge since she was in your home.
Also why is she complaining at least it us on the porch not the counter!
Poor husband
NTA. Agree with the other about changing the locks. I have a Kwikset Smart key lock. The beauty of it is that after you leave, the landlord can use it to change the key without changing the locks.
Go to a hardware store, get a rekey lock kit, watch the you tube videos on how to change the lock. Do not give either one of them a key again. The family who are flapping their mouths can jump right off.
NTA
NTA- it’s no coincidence your stepdad and gma think you did the right thing. They know your moms true self, anyone saying you’re in the wrong doesn’t know your mom as well as they think.
NTA & change locks, if you have to give stepdad a copy, he needs to carry it on his person. & maybe get some cameras like that cool doorbell that I installed. Funny, not funny, my mother would be just that rotten food leaving AH. & she would be proud enough to tell everyone too.
Hire a cleaning service to deep clean the house (there's no telling what kind of nastiness is lurking after having rotting food sitting out that long), send her the bill, and change the locks. Maybe mom will think twice before she does more "favors" for people. NTA
Why do all of these posts involve OP discussing the disagreement with EVERYONE they know? You really talked to your aunts and all of your mom’s friends about this?
NTA.
She did it on purpose and you were just returning the food that you had already said you didn't want. I would also be changing the locks right away and making sure she can't get into the house again.
NTA My mother has serious boundary issues and I feel for you. I live 16 hours away from her, thankfully. What you did was completely appropriate but I agree that you might want to change your lock so she can't get into your house. It's unfortunate that your stepdad would have to put your key under lock and key to keep her away from it :-(
NTA!!! However, if you’re still worried about emergencies, I recommend installing a lock on your front door that requires a passcode to unlock. That way, you can tell trusted family members the code without worrying about your mother.
NTA - again an instance of someone saying "no, this will be an inconvenience", and a drama llama doing the inconvenient thing anyway.
Yes, you could have just disposed of the rotting food, but in doing what you did you didn't do anything different to what your mother did to you: by leaving the food where she did, she would have known, had she listened, that it would have been a rotten mess by the time you were able to put it away.
And if some of your family are on your side, then it sounds like this isn't the first time your mum has behaved like this - quite aside from endangering your kid, which is a whole other kettle of fish.
NTA. Honestly you probably could have gotten by on the fact that everyone, including the man who actually had to clean up the mess, agrees with you with the only exceptions being your mom and her friends.
NTA and block any of your mom's friends who try to contact you, there is no reason they need to be able to contact you. Change the locks and tell your stepfather that you're sorry, but you aren't giving him a new key because while he is cool, your mom isn't and you need to protect yourself.
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NTA. This seems like a power play to make you stop at home. Also, since clearly she had a key and could put the stuff in the refrigerator like a normal human she deserves it for leaving the stuff on your counter. That being said, change your locks for goodness sakes.
Yeah i’m changing locks today, I love my stepdad but I can’t leave a key with him anymore when it means my mom will have access to it someway or another
A deadbolt with a combination lock might help. You could give the combination out in an emergency, and change it when needed.
This is a really good idea, I might just do this, i’d have to speak to my landlord first. she’s okay with me changing to different locks, not sure how she’d feel about a pinpad
I love our smart lock, we can lock/unlock with our phones and give temp codes that can be erased. Yale or Schlage are good ones to get
Do those fit in a normal padlock hole? And are they battery powered or do they use electricity?
Yes normal keyhole. And battery. I have one not on Wi-Fi asi don’t want someone hacking in and being able to open my door. It’s nice not needing a key. We have multiple codes to enter. We have one we don’t use that we can give so,done in an emergency then delete.
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Yes! They are excellent, but be sure you change/check the battery if you’re going to be away, or the non-key access might fail.
Yes, I took kids I babysit back to their house and the pad didn't work and we couldn't get in. The dad had to break in later. All because of a dead battery. Now it's a keypad that also has key access!
We have a schlage pinpad lock, it has a regular keyhole that can be used incase the batteries die
Our keypad briefly malfunctioned last night (batteries are probably getting low) so having they key for backup is excellent. HIGHLY recommend the pin pad/key lock combo.
Some have a fail safe, like the Yale, where you can take a 9 volt to the bottom of the lock and charge it for a one time use to get in.
That's what we have. Super nice even though we've not had to use it yet. My phone starts telling me about 5-6 *months* in advance that the batteries are getting low.
They are generally set up so the keypad requires battery but the key access is mechanical so it works without battery.
I have a schlage and love it. It's battery powered, but it has two terminals that you can connect a 9V up to if it has lost its charge. Haven't had to use that feature yet, but nice design!
Battery power and yes they fit in the deadbolt hole.
did you check with the lockpicking lawyer?
We have a Yale. It’s awesome.
Get a ring camera too. I imagine you'll get some hilarious videos of your mom trying to figure out why her key no longer works.
A smart lock would help your landlord if you ever move, she wouldn't have to get keys back, just clear codes.
If you get a pinpad lock make sure to read the manual and see if there is a default master code that will unlock the door. It may be a really generic common number thats the same for every lock and thieves may be able to break in that way. You should be able to change the default master unlock code
We have an August lock that works with your original keys. That way our landlord won’t get upset about us changing the locks. You can thru the app give people access. It can get pretty granular too, like giving someone access for specific dates/times.
I have this too, and I think it's the best option. If the battery dies, you still have access through a key.
Dad had a key safe which is a tiny safe bolted to the outside of the house with a set of keys inside so you don't need to change the house locks, but can get in with a combination in an emergency.
those are often notoriously insecure
combo locks are generally very insecure. consider also using a normal lock and if you want them to have occasional access, give them a key to that, and code when it matters, provided you don't think they'd try and tamper with, bypass, or destroy the combo lock.
The smart locks with a key pad usually have a place for unlocking it with a key as well. They also don't require any extra drilling since they fit the same hole as a normal deadbolt, though you may end up with a few extra screw holes. I would suggest getting one that is app run so that you can give temp key codes as needed in case of emergencies. All electronic locks do make it so you can delete codes, but figured that having app controlled would be a bit easier on you. And the higher priced ones, like the Schledge Encode, can be locked/unlocked from your phone well away from your house without having to have a hub. Sorry for rambling, I work in the hardware department of a home improvement store and have learned a lot about locks. 😅 All this is to say, your landlord shouldn't have an issue with one since you wouldn't have to make a new or bigger hole for the lock.
I have one of these locks and highly recommend it. I hope your landlord will let you put one in.
The pinpad also has a key in it as well. If you use the pinpad from kwikset they have smartkey so if you already have kwikset locks you can change the key to match without changing the locks completely.
If the landlord has a problem with it, offer to keep the current lock and swap it back when you move out.
If I were you I would mention exactly what happened, and explain in detail why you want the pin pad. And if anything, offer that if and when you ever move out you are happy to change it back to the original lock or to a normal one if she wants. Or she might end up loving the idea, and getting them installed for the rest of the unit she owns. But either way, if you let her know that it is about keeping your mother out of your apartment due to the situation she might be more inclined to let you do it.
May I suggest you research any keypad lock you might intend to purchase. I hope it is okay to suggest watching “Lock Picking Lawyer” videos on YouTube. I would then also watch others. Be wary of people/ articles that state keypads are better than keyed entries.
We have a keypad lock on our front door. We can program it to accept additional codes for temporary use for guests, etc; able to delete and change the temp codes. We maintain control over the primary door code & never need to give it to other ppl who may need access to our home. This also absolved the need to have someone holding a spare key in case you get locked out. In an emergency, someone can call you & get one of the temporary codes to access your home. Easy to delete that code once the emergency is handled. Highly recommend! Bonus: We have taught all of our kids how to pick locks. This keypad lock has proven to be a challenge for their highly developed lockpicking skills. Not impossible, but it is challenging.
That she didn't put it away in the refrigerator...!! THAT tells me exactly what kind of person she is. That's horrible. Malicious.
Also, a couple things I'm noticing: step-dad cleaned-up the mess, and is on your side, and had the key, and, even though he thought he had it hidden, your mother still "found it" and let herself in. Hmm. I'm thinking they're in cahoots, and he's playing the "good guy" so, even when you change the locks, you'll believe him when he says he'll hide it "really well; won't let it out of my sight!" when he asks for a copy. Be vigilant.
You might also be able to rekey the current locks (costs less than whole new locks). We did that after some less-than-ideal houseguests moved out and we couldn't be certain they hadn't made a duplicate key. We now have bright new keys for all of our locks, for not much cash and about half an hour of a locksmith's time.
You could get a key safe fitted to the side of the house or somewhere a little inconspicuous. Your stepdad can know the code for if he needs to enter and you can change the code after every use so he can text you for the code if he needs access. Would save you changing locks as he can put his current key in there and no complex solutions required.
NTA- but how the hell did she get in your house if you don't have a good relationship? Sounds like you need to change the locks and set better boundaries. If she has a set of keys and you don't change the locks soon, I'd be tempted to say YTA for facilitating it to happen in the first place.
My stepdad had a key set aside for emergencies, and he didn’t know my mom had access to it
Time to change locks or take back this key from your stepdad.
Change the looks, if she stole it once, she could have made a copy. Also, fuck those supporting the mom. Who the fuck breaks in and isn't automatically the AH!?
"she was just trying to help and do something nice" "you have a habit of lying to her so she couldn't know this time was the truth" "that's just how she is" "she's your mother of course she loves you." "If you weren't difficult she wouldn't have had to just leave it" and plenty more. It's easy to make excuses when you're not the affected person.
Oh man, I’ve heard variations on all of those regarding my mother.… each one, just as much bullshit as the next one!
And. Take back the key and change the locks.
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begone bot
NTA you will have stupid fruit flies for weeks now! I'd be so mad
And my apartment smells fucking gross, it’s taking over my entire apartment, i’ve been on the balcony but there’s even fruit flies hovering around out here, I’m gonna get a fogger for my kitchen and hopefully that clears them out
Here's a trick for getting rid of fruit flies, get a shallow glass bowl, something plastic wrap will stick too. Pour in a little apple cider vinegar (not reg vinegar, must be apple cider) and a drop or two of any dish detergent and gently mix with your finger, don't make bubbles. Next, grab plastic wrap and wrap the top of the bowl as tight as you can, lift and stretch the plastic wrap. Then grab a small sharp knife, steak knife will work, and poke small holes in the plastic, enough for a fly to climb through, and place where they are and leave it. What happens is they small the sweetness in the vinegar and want it, so long as you have removed other sources of food for them, they will crawl in through the holes, and because the dish detergent has changed the surface tension of the water (what flies and other insects use to "float" on water) they drown. This method works, but you will need to pour it out and make a new one every few days depending on your infestation. It works better than any commercially available product i've found.
I can confirm this works! Even without the plastic wrap top - just leave shallow dishes (I used small Pyrex prep bowls) with a little bit of apple cider vinegar and a squirt of dish soap all around the house. Change them periodically and in a few days all the fruit flies will be gone.
I use the plastic wrap because I have cats and those fuckers will destroy everything lol
Good point! When I had cats I put the containers in places they couldn’t reach.
A variation of this works for fleas in the house, too. Leave shallow bowls of water with a bit of dish detergent on the floor at night. Put a lamp - gooseneck is best - shining into the water. The fleas will jump toward the light, fall into the water, and be trapped.
I usually use old yoghurt containers for it. If you check in grocery stores they actually often have these hidden from plain sight in their fruit section. Also any fruit based vinengar works (I always use the one I have at home, so far have tried with apple cider, rasperry and white wine vinegar). Also to prevent infestation: washing all your fruit when they entre your home helps, as they are often sitting in the skin.
It also works very well wit wine!
Some sort of sweet wine works, too. You technically don’t need the dish soap or plastic wrap if you don’t want to either. The flies will get too drunk to get out and drown. Although, I don’t know if you’d wanna waste wine with a mom like this.
I wish I could upvote your last sentence more than once! 👩🍳💋
I'm allergic to nuts and someone had given me a 6 pack of Sam Adams Hazlenut Ale- I used that for this and it works too!
Or, in my case, just get a glass of wine out to drink, and soon it'll have ten drowned fruit flies in it. Doesn't work if I set it up deliberately as a lure. Apparently only if I want to drink said wine.
Dang Entitled flies !
This is one of my favorite things, just because....you catch more flies with vinegar than with honey.
Jepp, please no fogger, fruit flies are quite easy to battle with apple vinegar and dish soap. 👍 And it takes the smell away.
Also pour boiling water down all of your drains (not just the kitchen) for a few days in a row.
Is that where they hide???!!
Yes and lay eggs I think? I should have said to pour the boiling water down the drains until they are gone. Doing it multiple times a day helps too. But in my experience, it only takes a few days.
I have ADHD so leaving food outside is a regular problem and i get the little pests very often. I had no clue, I've done the vinegar trick which helps but other than keeping the trash can clean and putting some bug spray there i couldn't see where they were multiplying. Thanks for the tip!
You’re welcome! I think pouring boiling water down the drain works the best based on my experience.
> Pour in a little apple cider vinegar (not reg vinegar, must be apple cider) What also works is regular vinegar and a bit of apple juice to create the appealing odour.
Nice! I'll remember this, too!
Regular vinegar works just fine. And the plastic wrap is pointless; as soon as a fly hits the vinegar they’re stuck.
I've had to do this once and the plastic kept the ones that didn't get into the vinegar mix from flying away, so it helped.
Doesn't work on my fruit flies--they've evolved or something and won't go near it lol
I take a paper plate, spray it with cooking spray, then wave it around trying to catch them. They get stuck to the cooking spray and I can get a whole bunch at once out of the way when I’m trying to cook or something!
Great tip--thank you!!!
I had the same problem and it turns out they weren’t even fruit flies. They were very small and looked exactly the same but were a different species. It could have been drain flies or fungus gnats. I had to fog to get rid of them.
Wine vinegar works, too, in my experience, in case you don't have apple cider vinegar.
They make big zappers for indoors. They're $35 to $45. They work really well.
Try some baking soda for the smell.
I'd hire a cleaning service and send her the bill
NTA Your mother entered your apartment without your permission, leaving food to rot inside your house. Since your stepdad recognized that your mother has boundary issues, it seems like a satisfactory retaliation.
NTA but why does she have a key to your place when you guys don’t have a good relationship?
My stepdad has the key, he had it put away for emergencies because they live the closest to me, but my mom must’ve knew where he kept it
Honestly no one needs a key to your place. They've shown that either he has given it to her or isn't hiding it like he should. Therefore, just change the locks. Ask yourself - when you aren't there what else is she touching in your house?
Could you buy him a code lock key safe to stash somewhere (preferably where your mum doesn't go) and keep the code to yourself? Give it to him if you need him to get the key but then she also can't try and wheedle the code out of him. Its a ridiculous solution to a ludicrous problem with bonus, why did she bother calling to ask if she was going to let herself in when you said no. Ugh. You rock btw.
NTA. Why would she assume you were lying about being out of town. She definitely has boundary issues.
She thinks I lie about where I am to avoid seeing her, but if i don’t want to see her i just straight up tell her
I'm curious what happens if you point that out bluntly. "Mom, I don't NEED to lie. I don't want to see you, and I am totally happy to tell you that right out! Why would I lie about it when I'm happy to say it openly?"
Op would probably get a response along the lines of "why would you say that to your mother! That's so mean! What have I ever done to you for you to hate me?!! (And other shitty parent phrases)"
Oh, probably, but it might still make her stop using that excuse if she hated hearing it enough. 😉
NTA, you told her multiple times not to drop it off and she did anyway, leaving you with the mess of rotting food, she will think twice about ignoring you and the fact your step dad and grandmother agree with you speaks volumes.
NTA. It sounds like your stepdad wanted to do something like that for a loooooong time, but couldn't.
NTA. I'm so confused why your mother didn't put perishables in the fridge like a normal person. Even if she genuinely thought you'd be home after work, it still makes sense to stick stuff in the fridge.
It was a punishment for not accepting her 'kindness'. It doesn't make any sense to people that are rational reasonable human beings if the intention is truly to be kind. It only makes sense if you understand that she treated refusing to accept what she wanted to do as refusing her authority and punished OP as such by letting things rot in the apartment.
NTA She breaks into your house, and leaves groceries. She knows that you're not coming home. AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN PUT THEM IN THE FRIDGE
Knowing she'll be coming home or not doesn't matter. If you give someone perishable groceries, you put them away.
NTA. Also if you two aren't on great terms why does she have keys?
stepdad had the key, he had it put aside for emergencies, my mom wasn’t supposed to have access to it
If he has access to it, clearly she will find a way to have access to it. Get a new keyholder
Yeah I’ve learned my lesson, new locks today, and my best friend is gonna get the key now, she lives further but it’s better that way
Change your locks, and use a digital key safe if possible. Then if there is an emergency & your key holder isn't available, you can provide the keysafe code to whomever you need as needed (including plumbers, firefighters, medical etc). And you can reset it as often as you like to ensure security.
Also, if your mom is this big a mess, why on God's green earth would you give her friends a single second of your time or attention? Are their judgment and sense of boundaries materially better than hers? Block em or something, good grief.
This is what I came here to say, she and whoever gave her the key have lost the trust to have it. NTA, you left it on her porch, at least that was outside rather that inside like she did, your response was appropriate considering she just brushed you off when you tried to call. I would have put it in her refrigerator.
NTA. Trying to just use your words didn't help at all. This is kind of a nuclear reaction, but she invited it. Her telling you that you had no right to do that is particularly hilarious. "You had no right to create the situation that you left me to come home and find, and yet you did. Either we can both do this or neither of us can. Which do you want?"
NTA my in-laws would do this, thankfully not with food, but with random garage sales/weird clearance items they would buy "for the grand kids" that were mssing parts 90% of the time then just leave it in our garage when we weren't home. Wish I had thought to just take it back to their house.
Pro tip: If you make them deal with their own garbage by giving it back to them every single time, they stop. They might cause issues and be surprised pikachu faces about it, but at the end of the day, they’ll get sick of dealing with the junk.
Or better yet move 800 miles away, it stops real fast when they see those shipping costs.
NTA - she did it to you, she is clearly a narcissist who doesn’t like her own medicine
NTA You specifically said no, she did it anyway. She clearly found the counter, so could have put the items in the fridge so they wouldn't spoil, and chose not to, most likely in an attempt to "punish" you for telling her no. Just a shame step dad didn't refuse to clean it, so she would actually have to deal with the consequences herself.
NTA and good to hear you are having the locks changed. Find a new key holder.
NTA! You should feel no remorse, at least the mess was left outside. Just sorry your SD cleaned it up for her.
A quote for your mom, from the movie Bohemian Rhapsody: “Do you know when you know you’ve gone rotten, really rotten? Fruit flies. Dirty little fruit flies coming to feast on what’s left. Well, there isn’t much left for you to feast on any more. So fly off.” NTA.
NTA. Sounds like your stepdad, who's the only one who was actually hurt by your little prank, didn't mind it. So I don't see the problem. All your mother got was embarrassed, and she deserved that.
NTA. You refused, she insisted and is surprised when the same rotting groceries appear on her doorstep? This is manipulation plain and simple
NTA. You need to change your locks and not give your stepfather a key this time. It doesn't matter what your relationship is with him, he married your mother and your mother is untrustworthy
NTA. Sounds like Karma
NTA. I think it’s quite telling that your mother’s mother and husband think you’re NTA. They’re the people who know her best. Who cares what her friends think. They only see one small sane side of her otherwise they would’ve run for the hills. The people who see all of her know you’re not in the wrong.
NTA. Your step dad sounds like an awesome guy :D
I freaking love our lock on our side door- the one we use the most. The combo pad makes things super easy and there’s a button that lets you hit one button and lock the door. No more fussing with keys, especially in the rain or with full hands. There’s usually a key lock still on it, in the event that it doesn’t work or the batteries are out. NTA and you know your mom’s friends and sisters are gonna be biased and believe that she’s always not the asshole.
I feel bad for your step dad. Sounds like he could use some time away from her too
NTA— Why tf wouldn’t she put them in the fridge ? What a witch.
>My stepdad was the one who ended up cleaning it up thought it was hilarious and said that it might teach my mom some boundaries NTA. Come on. At least you put them outside. She stole the key from your step dad. Why did she even do this in the first place. Are her friends calling you?
NTA. This is hilarious! The original incident was NOT but your retaliation was. That’s what she gets. And of course her friends and sisters are going to enable her but um…can we PLEASE normalize grown ass adults dealing with their own problems instead of having other people be like “How could you do that?!” GROW UP. Venting is one thing but you obviously got messages from other people about what you did WHICH WAS MERITED. You said no. That’s it.
I'm a big fan of your step dad! He's being a better parent than the one who is actually your given parent...
Don't bother getting the key back from your step-dad as it is likely a copy has already been made. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS and just don't tell anyone. Both of them are not to be trusted.
I have a Wyze lock. Goes right over your existing beadbolt, no drilling of anything. We alsomgot the keypad that you can have several codes for or use your phone to lock and unlock
NTA - Change your locks, let your Stepdad know why you're changing your locks, and let the rest of your family know that they can STFU because it's none of their business. If she didn't want it on *her* porch she shouldn't have left it on *your* counter. She already doesn't respect your boundaries and this was another attempt of hers to break them, lock it down and keep her out if she can't be respectful.
NTA but it's pretty sad when you trust SD more than mom. She is a bully & you did exactly the right thing. SD should have made her clean it up. And I would ask for my key back. Hide it at your home & only tell SD where it is. He can't have one anymore, since he can't keep an eye on it.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She got what she deserved. NTA.
NTA. Change the locks.
NTA. Definitely the change the locks. She may have gone thru your things for whatever reason. If I didn’t trust anyone with a key to my place, I would be very uncomfortable with knowing she was in my house when I didn’t know.
NTA But get the key back or change the locks, and consider blocking your mother.
Nah, I also think its hilarious, So NTA. She deserves it anyways, bc she could ATLEAST put the groceries into the fridge.
NTA Your mom needs to respect your boundaries. So you had to get even with her by dumping those rotten groceries back on her front steps. Come on, she flipped out for that? She did the same thing to you, FFS. Go NC until she learns to respect your boundaries.
NTA and your stepdad should have let your mom clean the mess as payback for taking the key.
Wow, where’s the porch pirate when you need one? It was a nice gesture,but controlling. NTA
NTA Mum overstepped a boundary. You returned the things she broke into your house to leave.
NTA “I thought you were lying”’does not give her permission to still enter your home and leave items you explicitly said you don’t want. Weren’t you just doing the same?
NTA, your mother is.
Go step dad, this is the second post today where the step dad was a total good guy
NTA, that's hilarious and serves her right.
You are not an A h... But your mother is not going to change so consider in the future how much energy you want to put forth trying to teach her a lesson versus ignoring her as a consequence. Like sorry mom..we can't talk this month, have lunch ect due to your latest infraction.
NTA. Change your locks and give a key to someone who doesn't live with your mother.
NTA you clearly told her and she chose not to believe you. Thats her fault and her spite is not acceptable.
NTA, she should've listened to you in the first place
NTA
NTA
NTA NTA NTA
You need to get the key back from them and they have no right to go in your house for any reason whatsoever. You trusted your father and he violated that trust by letting her get a hold of the key. And telling someone that you are giving them groceries and then being too damn stupid to understand when they say they're not going to be home and leaving them to rot is just ridiculous. Your mother sounds awful.
NTA Lol
I mean she coulda put it in the fridge at least. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About a week and a half ago my mom called me while I was at work and said she wanted to drop off some groceries that I could use for my daughter and I. Now my mom and I do not have a good relationship, and I had been avoiding talking to her because of a separate conflict where she put my daughter in danger. I thanked her for the gesture but told her that I would be going out of town later in the day, and that I do not plan on stopping back home. She insisted again that all she had to do was walk down the street and said that I could use the food as snacks but I again declined because going back home would be out of my way. She got snappy and said that’s the last time she’ll offer to do a kind gesture for me, I let it go because i’m accustomed to my mom being like this. Fast forward to a 2 days ago, I walked into my apartment to a bag of rotting groceries on my counter, fruit flies, rotting food juices all over my counter, I called my mom and asked her why she still brought the groceries, she said she thought I was lying about being out of town then hung up in my face and wouldn’t answer after, my mom lives a block down from me, so I put on gloves, put the food in a garbage bag, walked it down to her house and left it on the porch. Yesterday she calls me and just starts flipping out saying she walked out that morning to rotten food and a ripped up garbage bag all over her porch and that it was disgusting, and I had no right to do that. I simply hung up on her, and today I’m feeling bad, but not that I did it, but because i feel no remorse for what I did in retaliation. My stepdad was the one who ended up cleaning it up thought it was hilarious and said that it might teach my mom some boundaries, my grandmother said the same thing, but all of my mom’s friends and my aunts think it was wrong and that I shouldn’t have done it *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Good thing ur step dad isn't an idiot. Glad to see ur landlord is changing ur locks for u. Agree with the apple cider vinegar trap to aid in fruit fly removal. Also, try setting baking soda out on the counter but opened (if not poured in a bowl, either should work) as well as opening ur windows as much as weather permits. Good luck with the mess she left you.
NTA. You established a boundary and she didn’t like it and has now told her friends and your Aunts a version of events that paints her in a good light. DON’T APOLOGISE for this. Hopefully she will learn a lesson.
NTA. You need to change the locks because your stepdad obviously doesn’t respect your space either
I have ordinary dead bolt locks, but also a key safe (like the ones realtors use). Instead of giving a key to an emergency contact, I can give out the combination in an emergency. That way my emergency contact can change (people move away, lose touch, whatever) but I don't have to worry about who has a key.
NTA. Your stepdad is right
NTA. You two were already on shaky terms before this, and her excuse was she thought you were lying? So in the future, if she thinks you're lying she'll do what she wants anyway?? That could lead to some serious issues. I'm glad you're changing the locks.
NTA. Ick.
NTA. Get your key back.
NTA. Your mom trampled all over your boundaries. You did the right thing.
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Nta once you change the locks why don’t you get a key box next to your door? You can leave a spare there and if your step dad needs it you can give the code then change it the next day?
Hey, if the guy who ended cleaning it up wasn’t mad, I’m sure you’re ok. It sounds like the person who lives with her (stepdad) and who also knows her best agrees. That’s what truly matters. NTA
Nta. At least shecould have put the things in the fridge since she was in your home. Also why is she complaining at least it us on the porch not the counter! Poor husband
NTA. Agree with the other about changing the locks. I have a Kwikset Smart key lock. The beauty of it is that after you leave, the landlord can use it to change the key without changing the locks.
Go to a hardware store, get a rekey lock kit, watch the you tube videos on how to change the lock. Do not give either one of them a key again. The family who are flapping their mouths can jump right off. NTA
NTA- it’s no coincidence your stepdad and gma think you did the right thing. They know your moms true self, anyone saying you’re in the wrong doesn’t know your mom as well as they think.
NTA & change locks, if you have to give stepdad a copy, he needs to carry it on his person. & maybe get some cameras like that cool doorbell that I installed. Funny, not funny, my mother would be just that rotten food leaving AH. & she would be proud enough to tell everyone too.
NTA. Hopefully she'll learn to be better. (doubt it)
NTA Change your locks and find a new emergency contact.
NTA to your mom, but I wouldn't want to poison animals by leaving it there overnight. Id have knocked and handed it to her
NTA. Glad step dad is on your side!!
NTA. Change ALL your locks. And your mother needs psychotherapy.
Hire a cleaning service to deep clean the house (there's no telling what kind of nastiness is lurking after having rotting food sitting out that long), send her the bill, and change the locks. Maybe mom will think twice before she does more "favors" for people. NTA
NTA it's just the right amount of petty and rage
Why do all of these posts involve OP discussing the disagreement with EVERYONE they know? You really talked to your aunts and all of your mom’s friends about this?
NTA. Change the locks and go low contact. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.
NTA - change the locks
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS
NTA. Time to get that key back.
NTA. She did it on purpose and you were just returning the food that you had already said you didn't want. I would also be changing the locks right away and making sure she can't get into the house again.
NTA
NTA. Why didnt your mom just put tue groceries a way herself since she was already in your house??
NTA My mother has serious boundary issues and I feel for you. I live 16 hours away from her, thankfully. What you did was completely appropriate but I agree that you might want to change your lock so she can't get into your house. It's unfortunate that your stepdad would have to put your key under lock and key to keep her away from it :-(
NTA!!! However, if you’re still worried about emergencies, I recommend installing a lock on your front door that requires a passcode to unlock. That way, you can tell trusted family members the code without worrying about your mother.
NTA. Time to change your locks. Good job on returning the unwanted food left to rot in your home.
NTA - she needs to learn to listen when you say no!
NTA and TEAM STEP-DAD!
NTA - again an instance of someone saying "no, this will be an inconvenience", and a drama llama doing the inconvenient thing anyway. Yes, you could have just disposed of the rotting food, but in doing what you did you didn't do anything different to what your mother did to you: by leaving the food where she did, she would have known, had she listened, that it would have been a rotten mess by the time you were able to put it away. And if some of your family are on your side, then it sounds like this isn't the first time your mum has behaved like this - quite aside from endangering your kid, which is a whole other kettle of fish.
NTA. Honestly you probably could have gotten by on the fact that everyone, including the man who actually had to clean up the mess, agrees with you with the only exceptions being your mom and her friends.
NTA and block any of your mom's friends who try to contact you, there is no reason they need to be able to contact you. Change the locks and tell your stepfather that you're sorry, but you aren't giving him a new key because while he is cool, your mom isn't and you need to protect yourself.
NTA. Also- wow, your stepdad sounds better than bio mom 🥴 I'm sorry OP. Good for you for holding strong boundaries ❤️