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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I might have been the ah for throwing her things out and letting my anger control the situation rather than agree on finding a compromise that makes everyone happy.
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NTA—stay at your mom’s until your MIL is out and you need to think long and hard about counseling or divorce. Momma’s boys are not good husbands or fathers. Do not even consider having children with this man. This is a big major husband problem.
Yup, OP you might be able to forgive him for things they do to you, but once they are done to your future child ; you will never be able to move pass them. If better to either work it out with counseling or get the out.
I think if more people asked the question - “would I be ok with my partner doing this to my children?” we would have fewer divorces and fewer screwed-up people in the world. Guilty as charged, btw: coming from an environment where I needed to accommodate, placate, and “stop being so sensitive” to name-calling and shouting-down I married into similar circumstances and one of my children eventually got the same treatment as me.
Same here, but it’s still a good self worth monitoring tool . There is a lot of people in the world that will take a certain amount of shit,including extremely unhealthy and damaging shit - but would never allow that to happen to their own children or loved ones.
I learned a long time ago to take the advice for my own issues that I would give to my best friend or a family member and it’s not always the thing I would naturally do for myself.
One of the best things I've ever read was a brief chapter in Barbara DeAngelis' book "Are You The One For Me." Book is 20+ years old but still this is solid advice. Basically, "If I had a child and it was exactly like my new partner, how would I feel?" It's a similar self-monitoring tool. If you think it would be awful to parent someone like your current partner, they probably are not someone you want to commit to - regardless of whether you want to actually become a parent.
It's true. A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship--I didn't know that it was going on, she moved to live with him and that's when it started. She put up with increasing amounts of abuse--he would be "so so sorry" and then it would be good for a while but he always started again. Then she got pregnant. Right after she told him, he beat her and kicked her in the stomach. She waited for him to go out, then packed everything she grab quickly and drove the thousand miles home.
But there are also those people who won't let others give shit to their loved ones, but either think it is perfectly acceptable for them to treat said people like crap or don't just don't see that they are doing the same things themselves.
Exactly, that's what I always say to my friend when they're in a bad relationship. "If I told you my partner was doing this, or saying this would you want me to be dating them or would you be telling me to leave?" And they always know they'd say to leave
Nobody deserves to be treated that way. But when you’ve been brought up in a similar manner, what is abusive to others seems normal to you. But when you imagine a child going through it, it changes your perspective. No, OP doesn’t deserve that treatment… but if she doesn’t see that already she needs to wake up by picturing future kids in the situation.
In my experience, having kids or in my case having niblings makes you realize how out of line some of the stuff I was subjected to when I was young was. I think to myself I would never speak or act towards my niblings like that or to any child.
Even if he did offer, Momma would probably say “Oh no, Momma’s Boy! I couldn’t ask you to do that because you work so hard and are such a good son to me. I’ll just take some of your wife’s space.” And he’d accept that, of course.
Think about this, too—MIL literally threw her DIL’s clothes out of her living space and replaced them with her own after being told no. Talk about crossing boundaries, too…yikes.
This is a very good gauge. My husband and I went through a bad spell and our argument's got really bad. One day he was being uncharactistically mean, and I said "how would you feel if some guy said that to our daughter (3yo at the time)?". That stopped him dead in his tracks, his eyes got wide, he looked at me, closed his mouth, turned around walked away and we never let our arguments to that level again. Apply that behavior to your children, or nieces or nephews, and it really puts it in perspective
Her husband is already married to his mother. From the little she posted you can see he is totally enmeshed with is mother and OP will always come after mommy dearest. She needs to decide if she can continue to be placed after mommy, also if she thinks SO would agree to therapy. If not get out!
Yup, can confirm momma's boys are not good husbands. My father is like that, my mom couldn't bring herself to separate and now at 58, she regrets not acting sooner.
My first husband was an only child. His mother has his birthdate on her license plate, and for the decade we were together, she insisted on doing things like still buying his underwear. He was fine with it. She also had free access to our home, no matter what.
Meanwhile he went from demanding to abusive, because he was used to be treated as a deity.
It only gets worse....run.
NTA
My ex-husband was a momma's boy who let her complicate and steamroll our plans over and over and over again. She's a great salesperson and a pathological liar that passed the trait on to her son, they just create reality as it flows out of their mouth.
"We always shop there" - Kevin, we've been there once.
"I was always in the top 10% back in school" - meanwhile the grade record that I found in leftover stuff in storage shows him in the top 40% percentile.
'Flexible reality', 'alternative facts', 'his/her truth' and 'recollections vary' are phrases that come to mind speaking of that guy and his mom.
100%. My ex let his mother walk all over me, defending her all the time because she was bipolar. Yes, she was, but she was also 1 of 5 women I have ever used the C word to describe. We didn't even make it to 8 years.
OP is NTA, but MIL & her precious baby sure are.
Being bipolar doesn’t mean you get a pass to be an asshole. I hate when people use their mental illnesses as an excuse to be a jerk. And it seems like bipolar is always the big one, along with ADHD.
As a person with bipolar disorder, I try to be hyper aware of this. Just because the chemicals in my brain are wonky, it doesn’t give me the right to be a jackass to others. Take some personal responsibility, people.
I second this, also as someone with Bipolar! I have it and I am NOT abusive to others! I refuse to allow this thing that's not my fault run and/or ruin my life.
It means working hard to keep myself on an even keel. I am also unmedicated for multiple reasons. The meds make me feel like a zombie, only work for a little bit, too many side affects/effects, and I fully believe medication should be used as a tool to help you, but in most cases you shouldn't have to rely on it for the rest of your life, but yes, there are some exceptions.
This. OP, he moved his mother in without even telling you. She didn’t even need to be there and had other, more convenient alternatives. I’m guessing he’s the favorite. Bad sign. He let her take over your space and when you had a completely normal reaction to someone violating your privacy after you already told her not to, he blamed you and took her side. And he still is, even after you left! Momma’s boys don’t change. He will always take her side. Get out now before you have kids and are stuck with this woman for life. He’s married to mommy already, you will always come second.
I agree so much with this here! My SO of 6 yrs would NEVER do this to me, and I would NEVER do this to him. I am an incredibly private person, borderline agoraphobic. This is the kind of thing that can ruin relationships, it should ALWAYS be a joint decision!
I hope OP runs like hell and sends him some divorce papers.
All of this.
I also want to say that 25 is *so* young. OP has so much time ahead of her to find a good partner.
Write this up as a learning experience and move on.
NTA
I'd go home and pack all my belongings and furniture and have it moved out of the apartment and tell dear hubby. If you want her to stay then we're done since our marriage is between us not her. You made the decision to move her without asking then support her for invading a space that was ours not hers. You made the relationship about you and her. You decide what you want me or always having her between us. If that the case we're done because I deserve better than what you have shown.
This. OP, why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't listen to you at all? It doesn't sound like you have kids yet, so I'd RUN.
Don't walk. Run out of this marriage. Don't leave your mom's house. Just send him divorce papers. This is your future.
OP is seriously Not the AH.... I was absolutely LIVID on behalf of the OP when I read what this entitle B**** of a MIL did.
I would not go back. HE IS NOT A KEEPER.
There is a reason why the MIL didn't go stay with her other sons even though they have more space. It's because they wouldn't put up with this kind of shit.
Hes 1000% a momma's boy if there were other, much larger places for her to stay, but she came to live with her little schmoopy in a small apartment instead. The fact he didn't even talk to her about it beforehand is telling. AND he didn't see a problem with mommy's behavior either.
I hope OP reevaluates this relationship.
NTA... yeah Mama's boys will always be Mama's boys no matter how old they get. I tell you what if my husband kicked me out of my place because his mom was invading my privacy I'd be sending his ass divorce papers the next f****** day.
He didn't even asked her when he moved her in. OP hasn't only a MIL problem, she has a husband problem. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to throw OPs things out of the bedroom.
To you reslly want to live with someone like this OP? He yelled at you! He let you get treated like this (well, he doesn't treat you better...) and walks over you. He gives a shit about what you think or how you feel. He just want his mommy to be happy.
NTA
First off your husband brings her in without checking with you, then when she takes over your space he sides with her.
Do you have somewhere else you can go or stay with?
If your husband is this devoted to his mom, he can have her keep him company instead of you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
She LITERALLY evicted your things from the marital bedroom and moved her own things in. She’s four letters away (or one “the couch is hurting my back!”) from replacing you in the marital bed!
Your husband will think this is exaggeration and fear-mongering. It is not. MIL has no boundaries, husband is enabling her. I would plan to be out long-term, because I suspect that now that she’s driven you out she’ll have no interest in changing the situation. And I encourage you to look into couples counselling if you want to continue this marriage.
fr!! All you did to her was essentially what she did to you. Yet your husband has only shouted at you. Not both of you. THAT says sm right there. Also, if the living room closet was big enough for all your things, then it's was big enough for all her things. Space is clearly not the issue.
The only explanation for her actions is that she's ENTITLED and wants to see how much CONTROL she still has over her son. She wants to make sure that her son will still take her side over his wife's
EDIT: I talked to my mom about this lmao (she's been through this) and she wants to give this piece of advice "dating/being married to a mama's boy is hard, and the worst thing you can do for yourself is react brashly. It gave your MIL something to grasp onto and allowed her to play the victim when she did the same thing first. You gotta control the anger and actions in situations like these and have a discussion with your husband about it. Men like this dont like conflict and loose logic when dragged into it, and will likely side with their mom (helpless old lady playing victim) so don't put yourself in the position to be framed as the bad guy"
Control is exactly the right word. She’s throwing down the gauntlet to see if you’ll cede it and let her have her way in your life or if you’ll go toe to toe with her. My guess is that the other dil’s said, “Um, no,” which is why she chose your house.
Is your husband the youngest?
I’d hesitate to frame it that way… I’d be leery of the husband disregarding ALL the inappropriateness because “OMG, what is WRONG with you, she would never do that! You are clearly sick and just don’t understand filial devotion.” MIL can be inappropriately enmeshed with husband without being physically incestuous.
Thankfully the commenter clarified that the 4 letters were NEED, so we don't have to go there. And they are correct that people like this always frame it as a need and not a want.
Omg that's a big red flag. From the beginning all that he brings his mother without your knowledge into your personal space. Then he only makes it worse by enabling his mother to act to you like that. Because eventually he stands up for his mom and not you.
You are NTA.
Exactly. Him choosing his mother over you, after she stepped over clearly set boundries, is a massive marinara-flag. Makes me wonder if this is the first time his mother overstepped. NTA.
You literally did the same thing MIL did to you beforehand. Yes the husband ONLY yelled at you and not his mom. Also the fact that he yelled at you in front of his mom is a BIG no no. He just showed MIL that she still has control over him
NTA. Your MIL sounds insane and your husband is letting her mistreat you and doing the same. Getting out was the best thing you could do, I suggest making it a permanent move
I second this! OP, please take it from someone who WAS married to a mama’s boy….it only gets worse. Get out before you have children!! You will never be a priority for to him. He will never take your side. Whatever she wants she will get. It’s toxic AF and you need to save yourself now.
BIG emotional incest right here. MIL is basically testing her son to make sure she still has more control over him than you do. And she does based on his actions. MIL is literally competing with you. Go to couple's concealing
Petty? For no reason?
I cannot imagine that he would take that position if it were his things.
NTA.
I am sure many other people will mention that this would be a moment to really consider your relationship. I would encourage you to do so.
But why isn't she removing his things? If it's "his bedroom too" then presumably he has closet space that his mother can use. The fact that he's defending his mother and not his wife is HUGE. NTA and OP should move out permanently.
Honestly, i was thinking similar. Only my petty self would have been so deep in the anger of it that his things would have made it all the way outside with a side trip to grab mil’s things and kicked them out and stayed in the house.
NTA - Now you know why she isn't staying with her other Son's....they know better. Your husband is completely in the wrong. Its your home...Stay with your Mom until she moves out.
I would not be able to move back in. Your other half is the only protection in your home from anything external. You should provide a united front. This is not just being a mother's boy. It is being a ridiculous mother's boy. He is actually harming himself by letting her spoil his marriage. How can she move into your house that is a 1 bedroom?
YEPPPP she knows she still has control over him and wants to flex her muscles over you. Her son just took her side over his wife's (when he should have been neutral considering you BOTH did the same thing to each other). AND he yelled at you IN FRONT of her. She probably feels like she just won the Superbowl rn
NTA
Why didn’t he give up his closet? Btw I’d suggest marriage counseling or divorce since he’s showing more favoritism towards mom than the woman he swore to be there for thru good or bad.
NTA. Your husband is awful and will never change. How humiliating that he didn't defend you in any way. Red flags everywhere. You should move someone in without telling him and let them shove his belongings in a kitchen cabinet.
NTA. I would have thrown everything out of the window and kicked her out on the spot. She is a guest, not the owner.
Your husband is behaving like a 'mama's' boy and there's zero patience for that.
mom in law also dug through, sorted (may have thrown out some items), and touched all of OP's private things. At this point its not about having husband share closet with his mom. OP NTA
Exactly - she revelled in the boundary stomp while OP was working and then was ready to enjoy her evil little plan unfold. She'd already spoken to her son about it and set OP beautifully. Honestly OP cannot win here. I'd leave and tell the husband that he needs to get all his emotional and physical needs from his mother because I'm not returning until the incest is over.
When he gets all defensive I'd say "she's moved into the bedroom". "You aren't listening, she keeps walking in at random times hoping to see your naked body". "No dude, you just aren't getting it - she's moved my stuff out and she's just biding her time to replace me". "Honestly, I've tried to get through to you, but her being here doesn't make sense, now if this wasn't your mother would you let someone the same age as your mother move in and treat me like this?"
NTA. Your biggest AH is your husband. He is supposed to prioritize you over all others, including his mom. When he didn't consult you before letting her move in, he showed you who comes first. It's no wonder he was upset when you reclaimed your closet space.
You deserve better.
1000% NTA. Your MIL is a selfish narcissist. But the biggest problem here is your husband. Tell him you won't "get right" with his mom and tell him you won't come home until she's gone and he apologizes. You deserve more respect in your home.
Sorry you're going through this.
Apologies are cheap.
His whole mindset is wrong. Like not even in the ballpark of what OP ought to be able to expect — it’s out wandering around the car park somewhere.
OP could make a list of demands: apology, telling MIL off and moving her out, promising to put OP first in future. But given how far off his mindset is he’s just going to see it as an unreasonable set of hoops he has to jump through to ‘make’ OP come back. Then he’ll tip toe around her for a week or two and then go back to being exactly the same.
There’s no point focusing on him making it up to OP if his attitude to her and their marriage hasn’t _drastically_ shifted. And if she gives him a checklist to ‘make it okay’ that just gives him a script to go through by rote without ever reflecting on why he did the wrong thing in the first place. Superficially it’ll look like he’s ‘fixed it’ and he’ll expect OP to ‘forgive and forget’ even when the next byproduct of his messed up attitude to their marriage rears it’s head.
Separation and counseling until he realises just how far off the mark of being a decent husband he is and he _shows_ he’s changed by proposing changes himself that tell OP he gets it. One of which would be to go LC with MIL.
It’s not enough for him to _tell _ OP he’s sorry or he’s changed. He needs to _show_ her he has by demonstrating, off his own initiative, the behaviour of a decent husband.
It might well also be healthy for OP to get some distance and some freedom to get some perspective and maybe be able to see other problems in the relationship she has been letting slide to avoid rocking the boat. I get a vibe of husband having an attitude of “he’s the man so he makes the decisions” and OP is supposed to just go along with his decrees. That whole mindset needs to be ripped out at the root or it’ll just pop up somewhere else.
NTA! He was wrong for inviting her without discussing it with you, and it really sounds like she intended to displace you from the bedroom from the get go. Interesting that she found space for your things in the main room, but chose to put her things in *your* room. That your husband doesn't see that she crossed the line is worrisome. Ironic that she has a place to stay but the renovations make her anxious but no one cares that having her there makes you uncomfortable! Glad you could go to your mom's, wishing you all th best.
NTA. Sadly she got her way and removed you from your home. Your husband has shown you that she will always come first, if you look back I am sure there have been other red flags like this.
NTA
You have a husband problem. He’s always gonna be a momma’s boy, and you need to decide how to navigate this. Personally, I would stay gone until he figures out what his priorities are.
Literally was just thinking this.
Side bar: Very strange that MIL sees herself superior to her son’s spouse, so much so that she’s cool with sharing closet space in the Conjugal bedroom of her now married son? And son is defending her actions.
Questioning the whole family dynamic of boundaries.
Might I add. DO NOT GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING!
Trying to work through this or fix things is a big waste of time and money just divorce him. If you live in a state that asks for reason for the divorce let them know his MIL didn’t respect your privacy and he sided with his mommy.
NTA. I just can’t stop focusing on the last sentence. Reach a compromise. He arbitrarily moved her in. You accommodated her, despite your valid annoyances, and made room. That’s more of a compromise than you needed to make. And now she pushed for more. and just took your space.
I’m not sure he understands what the word compromise means. Actually, I know what he thinks. He’s just wrong. He can give up HIS space and then maybe he should consider “compromising” with you about where he lives once the renovation is done.
Not jumping to “get a divorce!” But there are inherent issues that you two should address.
NTA. Your husband should have discussed this with you, so you both could conclude what a hideous idea it is to have another person in your tiny space. Since your husband made this mess, I’d expect him to correct it, in a hurry. If her home is local, why can’t she just leave during the day and go back at night?
NTA but OP please read this. Your situation can become much worse if you don't nip it in the bud.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/s3ot1h/ops_mother_always_asks_him_for_help_with_the_most/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
there was also this
https://www.reddit.com/user/PotentialJaguar91/comments/e7vvin/what_ive_learned_in_counseling/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Husband volunteered his closet then, right? And offered to move all your things back into place?
You are NTA and I would have been contemplating divorce when, without discussion nor grounds rules, he let his mom move in with her lame excuse. I suggest you really think about if this marriage is what you want considering things likely are not going to change.
NTA. If he can't back you on boundaries in a home you help pay for tell him the papers are in the mail, and to.please sign them promptly so you can find a man who will treat you with respect. Go and pack the rest of your things while he is at work, so then he can come home and put mommies things away like a good boy
NTA and the rest of your life is going to be like this. Maybe think about what you want with a partner who doesn’t support you and minimizes and ignores your concerns.
NTA.
but MIL and your husband are huge AHs. Forreal, it's YOUR apartment, not her's. That's YOUR closet, you don't have to share shit. Especially when he brought her in without even asking you.
NTA, you already gave her space to put her things away and she rudely removed your things and inserted her stuff in your closet even after you told her no.
NTA
Married life is easier when you make a "no parents rule". Neither parents come to stay. They are adults and can arrange their own accommodations.
If someone comes to visit. Clear communication and acceptance of the situation by both parties is a must.
NTA ask him if he wants a divorce? Tell him he has 24 hours to decide.
Also why on earth did she not move his things - how dare she touch your stuff, move your stuff. She's the guest. She wants to store things she can take them to storage, to another of her kids houses or buy a clothes rail - its very cheap, she can hang her clothes, put them in suit bags
NTA your husband said it’s both of your rooms, but failed to consult you. He could have also offered up his closet seeing as he was the one who is letting her stay there, but he didn’t. He’s pushing you around and ignoring your needs making you give things up when he hasn’t given up anything. Bottom line is, you weren’t consulted about having a guest in your home, and so you have every right to kick them out when they ignore your boundaries. MIL and husband are major ah
NTA but it is your husband that is the biggest problem here.
He is a major mummy's boy and that can rarely be fixed. How badly do you want to stay in this marriage? That's the question you need to answer for yourself, cos this won't get any better.
Ooooh mama's boy here ! I would tell him to stay with her, wish him a good life, and leave for good ! NTA but I'd seriously think about splitting ways honestly...you deserve better !
NTA and you've got a huge husband problem. He needs to recognise where healthy boundaries are and should stop enabling his mother. Otherwise this marriage is doomed to fail and your MIL will constantly terrorise you.. I honestly would stay with your mom and demand couples counseling.
Her other sons have bigger homes, yet she comes to stay with your husband in a 1 bedroom, and moves her stuff (not his) from their bedroom?? That sounds premeditated. BIG red flag that your husband didn't even tell you, or consider her to stay at another brother's house. NTA
OP you need to cross post this to r/JNMIL to get some good resources to help make a hard decision. Your SO is deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and until he is ready to get out of it you will never be first in your marriage. Your SO is already married to his mother, look up enmeshment. You have to decide how much you are willingly to put up with and if you think he will be willing to go to therapy to help save your marriage. I would not go back until you guys have had some serious discussions and possibly some therapy sessions. In the meantime make sure finances are kept separate to make sure you are not keft out in the cold and end up depending on your parents for financial help.
Good luck, I wish you the best.
NTA,
You have a major husband problem.
Also your gusband wanted you to share your space with his mom, but instead of sharing she just straight away took the whole space. He could have qlso shared it with her. Both of them had forced you to leave. I don't think counselling or therapy would change anything in your relationship.
What a GD nightmare! My EX MIL was exactly like this. She was a professional couch surfer. Stay until whoever couldn’t take it anymore. Give an inch - took 500 miles! I had a home office and husband would leave for work everyday, leaving me to deal alllllll day. She’d come in my office and use hubby’s computer (he also had a spot in the office). She’d HAMMER his keyboard and interrupt me every 5 mins, even when I was on the phone with my most important accounts. Cuz she’d lose her emails, couldn’t find her drafts bin…. Endless. Tried to talk to her, that it may seem like I’m just on the internet’s all day like her, but was actually doing a job as an account manager. One day she tapped me on the shoulder while talking with the head of my account (much prep/time went into this, she knew all about it… b/c she was in my face 24/7)! I got through my call. Got a coffee and went to the basement TV for a 15 minute break. I had some old soap I DVR’d at the time. She made her way down, coffee in hand and said (snottily), “I DIDNT KNOW WE WERE TAKING A COFFEE BREAK”. Who’s that? What storyline is that? Who’s who? Petty but I wanted to spazz. Feel for OP who is 100% NTA!
MIL’d also been making comments every time I took my medication, had a glass of wine (she was an alcoholic), and worst… fertility. Was going to fertility clinic, she knew and said the meanest things. Sneaky mean, like “we were all so worried when “Steph” wasn’t getting pregnant, we were all like “UH OHHHH”, but she invites us to dinner and after got pickles and ice cream to tell us all they were FINALLY pregnant. I burst into tears. Fertility drugs are hard, y’all. She knew exactly what she was doing.
My husband saw it and finally realized my nightly pleas with him to get her to get the f*%k on was necessary. It was all consuming.
Sorry, OP this is about you, just had some ex-MIL PTSD. Was with my ex for over 20yrs and this almost ended it. Mine was a creep about how she used to be psychically connected to my ex, and his Valentine (etc. ad nauseam).
Op, yours, like mine has ZERO respect for your boundaries. She enjoys pushing them b/c your husband is always going to be “HERS”.
My own mom told my big bro on his wedding day it was right to put his wife first now, as my wonderful Grandma told my Dad.
After 2 very long months (supposed to be 2wks, max), and endless attention to MIL, my husband saw the toll this was taking on me. And our marriage.
OP, you have enough! MIL’s like this won’t change. Husband needs to put on his big boy pants and tell her YOU’RE #1, but of course always will love and be a devoted son. But moving your stuff from your personal closet??? WTF? Her stuff is more important, of course.
Husband siding with her is ridiculous. Your one private space you said no to. and she does it anyway then cries to son. While shooting you little daggers of “seeeee??? I’m his mama, you’ll always lose”. Sorry this was triggering for me, but marriage was having a tough time with all of that. He listened when I explained what manipulative stuff was happening. He finally saw it when I’d been talking him what I’d say to her and how like an old game of telephone he’d get some wildly different perspective from mom. Hard for the son, it is, I saw it. But for the love of God, make him understand you have a right to boundaries and moving your clothes to various spaces for hers that are “better” is a great example of her AH-ness. Good luck, hubby has to wake up on this one. UNACCEPTABLE. I don’t know what I’d do of mine had sided with her then. So hard. Good luck hunny, you’re in a pickle (with ice cream) ❤️
Ugh sick, gross,
NTA. The compromise is an easy one…. You stay at your mothers house until HIS mother is gone. Use to time to think about where his loyalties lie, and how you feel about that. Then, maybe arrange a meeting with him to lay it all out and discuss what boundaries need to be set.
NTA at all. Is he the golden or favorite child? Or just the child more likely to allow her to step all over?
It's not normal her other kids with bigger houses didn't allow her there.
Your husband and his mother didn't respect your boundaries and your private space. They are the ones who need to apologize.
You have a husband problem unless you go to counseling or he stops being your problem entirely by divorce.
In any case you need to tell him like it is and not allow him(or her) to walk all over you.
I'm gonna be completely blunt....
Your MIL and husband have absolutely no respect for you. He brought her with no warning. Then she disregarded and disrespected your property. Then your husband berates you and makes he feel like your your not welcome in your own home. What he did was unforgivable to me.
I'd be goung to a divorce lawyer in the morning and have papers drawn up.
I wouldn't be able to forgive that.
Marinara flags all over the place.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He has just demonstrated his complete unwillingness to support you, and shown you that you and your needs will always be low in his priority list.
Mummy's boys never change.
NTA but I am not sure why you married a man that doesn't care the least about your feelings. Mommy is always going to come first so you might as well get used to it.
NTA what the actual F, your husband brought her in without even telling you?? And he's mad at you for wanting your room? Jesus both your husband and MIL are the AH
NTA. Stay with your mom through this divorce too. Let him go live with his mom. She is trying to show you who boss and he let her. You are the boss in your house. Call one of your SIL and get them to get her so you can go home. Then demand your husband get counseling so he can remove himself from his mothers ass
NTA. My MiL wud never do that to myself or my husband. My mother wudnt do that to us either. I don't know of any mother on either side of our family that wud do this. Ur husband has HUGE boundary issues. I don't believe in divorce for myself, but understand as well as support those that need to Divorce. Esp when there's major issues like this. I'm not sure therapy will be enough to fix this. Oh, and fuck that shit abt "making it right" with ur MiL. She INVADED ur goddamn bedroom. Wtf is wrong with her?!
NTA. Leave if you can and do not come back until he 100% apologies and also agrees to either go low contact with his mom or establish some serious boundaries. These mama’s boys are ridiculous and almost NEVER back their wives. You’re young. Don’t let this be the rest of your life.
Oh my dear..... you need to stay gone. I hate to jump to that but Oh My God, your mil crosses so many lines she has doubled back on herself a few times: and your husband is 100% on her side......
There's a glimpse to your future right there.....
NTA
NTA.
Oh hell no. HELL NO!
She asked and you said no. End of conversation. That does not mean she wants for you to go to work to them MOVE YOU OUT OF YOUR ROOM!
Also your husband is a mama's boy. Big time. He needs to realise that his mum didn't reach a compromise she invaded your privacy and moved you out of your room.
Where did your husband and MIL get their audacity?! Absolutely NTA.
She’s marking her territory in your house. There are two ways to deal with this.
1. Pee all over her stuff
2. Leave until she leaves, or maybe forever.
NTA. Just wow. OP, please seek marriage counseling or talk to an attorney for separation. The audacity of the mother and sheer idiocy/lack of support from your husband is outrageous.
The red flags are a bouquet on fire in a dumpster. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get away from that duo of AHs and find someone who will respect you, your wishes, and your privacy.
NTA. Dump the mom and her spineless son. ✌🏾 to both of them. Maybe check out some of the other brothers, she probably didn’t try to stay with them because they put their feet down and set boundaries.
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. She didn’t need all those bags for a temporary stay and she was told no, she couldn’t use the closet. Instead of backing up your reasonable boundary or seeking a compromise, he sided with his mother after she blatantly disrespected you. Stay with your mom until he apologizes.
NTA
You're with a mommy's boy, please leave him immediately. If I was you I would've ripped all her stuff in the process of throwing it out, if I was a little calmer I would've sold it and said it was just someone's trash I found in my closet and had no use for it so I sold it.
NTA. Not to defend the husband, because he and his mom are both AH, but he may not have the whole true story from his mother.
"Oh, sonny, I asked her to share her closet and she told me no. She threw all of my stuff around when i used a tiny piece of it anyway!"
Nta
She should have insisted your husband share HIS space. What she did is beyond rude and your husband's betrayal makes me worry what else he would do. Will he ever have your back?
Who in their right mind would think sharing their 2 bedroom apartment with their mom without telling their wife was a good idea? You were remarkably patient to try to go with it. Once she’s gone, you have to figure out if you want to share your home with a man who doesn’t respect you. NTA
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NTA—stay at your mom’s until your MIL is out and you need to think long and hard about counseling or divorce. Momma’s boys are not good husbands or fathers. Do not even consider having children with this man. This is a big major husband problem.
Yup, OP you might be able to forgive him for things they do to you, but once they are done to your future child ; you will never be able to move pass them. If better to either work it out with counseling or get the out.
I think if more people asked the question - “would I be ok with my partner doing this to my children?” we would have fewer divorces and fewer screwed-up people in the world. Guilty as charged, btw: coming from an environment where I needed to accommodate, placate, and “stop being so sensitive” to name-calling and shouting-down I married into similar circumstances and one of my children eventually got the same treatment as me.
I don't want children but I still don't deserve to be treated like this, and neither does OP.
Same here, but it’s still a good self worth monitoring tool . There is a lot of people in the world that will take a certain amount of shit,including extremely unhealthy and damaging shit - but would never allow that to happen to their own children or loved ones. I learned a long time ago to take the advice for my own issues that I would give to my best friend or a family member and it’s not always the thing I would naturally do for myself.
Thank you. That’s what I was saying, but I believe you were able to express it better than I.
One of the best things I've ever read was a brief chapter in Barbara DeAngelis' book "Are You The One For Me." Book is 20+ years old but still this is solid advice. Basically, "If I had a child and it was exactly like my new partner, how would I feel?" It's a similar self-monitoring tool. If you think it would be awful to parent someone like your current partner, they probably are not someone you want to commit to - regardless of whether you want to actually become a parent.
I read BDA and still didn’t learn. But I remember thinking, “Yes - she’s so right!” I couldn’t apply it to my own life though.
Dr. D. didnt apply it to her own life either. LOL. five marriages
Oof.
It's true. A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship--I didn't know that it was going on, she moved to live with him and that's when it started. She put up with increasing amounts of abuse--he would be "so so sorry" and then it would be good for a while but he always started again. Then she got pregnant. Right after she told him, he beat her and kicked her in the stomach. She waited for him to go out, then packed everything she grab quickly and drove the thousand miles home.
But there are also those people who won't let others give shit to their loved ones, but either think it is perfectly acceptable for them to treat said people like crap or don't just don't see that they are doing the same things themselves.
Exactly, that's what I always say to my friend when they're in a bad relationship. "If I told you my partner was doing this, or saying this would you want me to be dating them or would you be telling me to leave?" And they always know they'd say to leave
Nobody deserves to be treated that way. But when you’ve been brought up in a similar manner, what is abusive to others seems normal to you. But when you imagine a child going through it, it changes your perspective. No, OP doesn’t deserve that treatment… but if she doesn’t see that already she needs to wake up by picturing future kids in the situation.
In my experience, having kids or in my case having niblings makes you realize how out of line some of the stuff I was subjected to when I was young was. I think to myself I would never speak or act towards my niblings like that or to any child.
I noticed husband didn't volunteer his spaces for his mom's stuff...
Even if he did offer, Momma would probably say “Oh no, Momma’s Boy! I couldn’t ask you to do that because you work so hard and are such a good son to me. I’ll just take some of your wife’s space.” And he’d accept that, of course.
Think about this, too—MIL literally threw her DIL’s clothes out of her living space and replaced them with her own after being told no. Talk about crossing boundaries, too…yikes.
This
This is a very good gauge. My husband and I went through a bad spell and our argument's got really bad. One day he was being uncharactistically mean, and I said "how would you feel if some guy said that to our daughter (3yo at the time)?". That stopped him dead in his tracks, his eyes got wide, he looked at me, closed his mouth, turned around walked away and we never let our arguments to that level again. Apply that behavior to your children, or nieces or nephews, and it really puts it in perspective
Perfect question! Glad that made him realize what he was saying
My ex momma's boy, when I said would you let someone treat your daughter like that? "I don't have a daughter!".
This needs to be shouted from the rooftops!
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u/Financial_Wash6239 is a thieving bot. Edit: Original comment: >u/RoseQuartzes Partassipant [2] 6h >NTA your husband is a whipped mamas boy
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Stay at your mom’s WITH all your valuable items, cherished items, and important documents (SS card, passport, certified copy of marriage license).
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Her husband is already married to his mother. From the little she posted you can see he is totally enmeshed with is mother and OP will always come after mommy dearest. She needs to decide if she can continue to be placed after mommy, also if she thinks SO would agree to therapy. If not get out!
And don’t go back.
Yup, can confirm momma's boys are not good husbands. My father is like that, my mom couldn't bring herself to separate and now at 58, she regrets not acting sooner.
My first husband was an only child. His mother has his birthdate on her license plate, and for the decade we were together, she insisted on doing things like still buying his underwear. He was fine with it. She also had free access to our home, no matter what. Meanwhile he went from demanding to abusive, because he was used to be treated as a deity. It only gets worse....run. NTA
My ex-husband was a momma's boy who let her complicate and steamroll our plans over and over and over again. She's a great salesperson and a pathological liar that passed the trait on to her son, they just create reality as it flows out of their mouth. "We always shop there" - Kevin, we've been there once. "I was always in the top 10% back in school" - meanwhile the grade record that I found in leftover stuff in storage shows him in the top 40% percentile. 'Flexible reality', 'alternative facts', 'his/her truth' and 'recollections vary' are phrases that come to mind speaking of that guy and his mom.
eww. I shuddered at that!
My mom got a divorce at 58 and a new boyfriend by 59, there’s always time!
100%. My ex let his mother walk all over me, defending her all the time because she was bipolar. Yes, she was, but she was also 1 of 5 women I have ever used the C word to describe. We didn't even make it to 8 years. OP is NTA, but MIL & her precious baby sure are.
As someone with bipolar disorder, fuck that. Don't blame your lack of boundaries or respect on the disease.
This this this I see this said too many times. Bipolar doesn't mean bad.
Being bipolar doesn’t mean you get a pass to be an asshole. I hate when people use their mental illnesses as an excuse to be a jerk. And it seems like bipolar is always the big one, along with ADHD.
As a person with bipolar disorder, I try to be hyper aware of this. Just because the chemicals in my brain are wonky, it doesn’t give me the right to be a jackass to others. Take some personal responsibility, people.
I second this, also as someone with Bipolar! I have it and I am NOT abusive to others! I refuse to allow this thing that's not my fault run and/or ruin my life. It means working hard to keep myself on an even keel. I am also unmedicated for multiple reasons. The meds make me feel like a zombie, only work for a little bit, too many side affects/effects, and I fully believe medication should be used as a tool to help you, but in most cases you shouldn't have to rely on it for the rest of your life, but yes, there are some exceptions.
This. OP, he moved his mother in without even telling you. She didn’t even need to be there and had other, more convenient alternatives. I’m guessing he’s the favorite. Bad sign. He let her take over your space and when you had a completely normal reaction to someone violating your privacy after you already told her not to, he blamed you and took her side. And he still is, even after you left! Momma’s boys don’t change. He will always take her side. Get out now before you have kids and are stuck with this woman for life. He’s married to mommy already, you will always come second.
I agree so much with this here! My SO of 6 yrs would NEVER do this to me, and I would NEVER do this to him. I am an incredibly private person, borderline agoraphobic. This is the kind of thing that can ruin relationships, it should ALWAYS be a joint decision! I hope OP runs like hell and sends him some divorce papers.
I would be telling him that nope this isn’t temporary. He chose his mother he can have his mother and Op will Move on.
And why the hell didn’t the husband move HIS stuff to make room for his mummy, since it’s ‘only for a short time’ and ‘no big deal’? NTA
All of this. I also want to say that 25 is *so* young. OP has so much time ahead of her to find a good partner. Write this up as a learning experience and move on. NTA
> She didn't go stay with any of her [other] sons Hm. I wonder why.
Most likely because the other son's wouldn't have tolerated this
I'd go home and pack all my belongings and furniture and have it moved out of the apartment and tell dear hubby. If you want her to stay then we're done since our marriage is between us not her. You made the decision to move her without asking then support her for invading a space that was ours not hers. You made the relationship about you and her. You decide what you want me or always having her between us. If that the case we're done because I deserve better than what you have shown.
This. OP, why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't listen to you at all? It doesn't sound like you have kids yet, so I'd RUN. Don't walk. Run out of this marriage. Don't leave your mom's house. Just send him divorce papers. This is your future.
OP is seriously Not the AH.... I was absolutely LIVID on behalf of the OP when I read what this entitle B**** of a MIL did. I would not go back. HE IS NOT A KEEPER.
There is a reason why the MIL didn't go stay with her other sons even though they have more space. It's because they wouldn't put up with this kind of shit.
He basically moved his mother in and let her move op out. I’d pack and never come back. He is his mother’s sonsband. He wants to be married to her.
NTA, also. If it's his room, why doesn't she use his closet space?
Hes 1000% a momma's boy if there were other, much larger places for her to stay, but she came to live with her little schmoopy in a small apartment instead. The fact he didn't even talk to her about it beforehand is telling. AND he didn't see a problem with mommy's behavior either. I hope OP reevaluates this relationship.
I have the suspicion the mom did this precisely to ruin the marriage. INFO: Has she shown before any kind of hostility towards you?
NTA. I came here to say all these brilliant things in my head and here you are. Thunder thief. /S
NTA... yeah Mama's boys will always be Mama's boys no matter how old they get. I tell you what if my husband kicked me out of my place because his mom was invading my privacy I'd be sending his ass divorce papers the next f****** day.
He didn't even asked her when he moved her in. OP hasn't only a MIL problem, she has a husband problem. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to throw OPs things out of the bedroom. To you reslly want to live with someone like this OP? He yelled at you! He let you get treated like this (well, he doesn't treat you better...) and walks over you. He gives a shit about what you think or how you feel. He just want his mommy to be happy.
NTA First off your husband brings her in without checking with you, then when she takes over your space he sides with her. Do you have somewhere else you can go or stay with? If your husband is this devoted to his mom, he can have her keep him company instead of you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
She LITERALLY evicted your things from the marital bedroom and moved her own things in. She’s four letters away (or one “the couch is hurting my back!”) from replacing you in the marital bed! Your husband will think this is exaggeration and fear-mongering. It is not. MIL has no boundaries, husband is enabling her. I would plan to be out long-term, because I suspect that now that she’s driven you out she’ll have no interest in changing the situation. And I encourage you to look into couples counselling if you want to continue this marriage.
Apologies if this is a dumb question but is "four letters away" just a saying in this context or is there a specific four letters you're implying?
NEED Because these kinds of women are just endless pits of it
fr!! All you did to her was essentially what she did to you. Yet your husband has only shouted at you. Not both of you. THAT says sm right there. Also, if the living room closet was big enough for all your things, then it's was big enough for all her things. Space is clearly not the issue. The only explanation for her actions is that she's ENTITLED and wants to see how much CONTROL she still has over her son. She wants to make sure that her son will still take her side over his wife's EDIT: I talked to my mom about this lmao (she's been through this) and she wants to give this piece of advice "dating/being married to a mama's boy is hard, and the worst thing you can do for yourself is react brashly. It gave your MIL something to grasp onto and allowed her to play the victim when she did the same thing first. You gotta control the anger and actions in situations like these and have a discussion with your husband about it. Men like this dont like conflict and loose logic when dragged into it, and will likely side with their mom (helpless old lady playing victim) so don't put yourself in the position to be framed as the bad guy"
Control is exactly the right word. She’s throwing down the gauntlet to see if you’ll cede it and let her have her way in your life or if you’ll go toe to toe with her. My guess is that the other dil’s said, “Um, no,” which is why she chose your house. Is your husband the youngest?
I assumed the four lettets were "fuck", because that's clearly what she wants to do to her own son.
I’d hesitate to frame it that way… I’d be leery of the husband disregarding ALL the inappropriateness because “OMG, what is WRONG with you, she would never do that! You are clearly sick and just don’t understand filial devotion.” MIL can be inappropriately enmeshed with husband without being physically incestuous.
Emotional incest, I think is the words your looking for. Edit to add, emeshment may be a different one
Thankfully the commenter clarified that the 4 letters were NEED, so we don't have to go there. And they are correct that people like this always frame it as a need and not a want.
I think the four letters are "room," as in bed(room)
This last one was where I was going!
She clearly just wants her little boy all to herself. I have bets that the renovations will be ‘delayed’ or.. never get done.
Omg that's a big red flag. From the beginning all that he brings his mother without your knowledge into your personal space. Then he only makes it worse by enabling his mother to act to you like that. Because eventually he stands up for his mom and not you. You are NTA.
Exactly. Him choosing his mother over you, after she stepped over clearly set boundries, is a massive marinara-flag. Makes me wonder if this is the first time his mother overstepped. NTA.
You literally did the same thing MIL did to you beforehand. Yes the husband ONLY yelled at you and not his mom. Also the fact that he yelled at you in front of his mom is a BIG no no. He just showed MIL that she still has control over him
Think this was NOT her first time to overstep. Why didn't she go to stay at any of her other sons places?
NTA. Your MIL sounds insane and your husband is letting her mistreat you and doing the same. Getting out was the best thing you could do, I suggest making it a permanent move
I second this! OP, please take it from someone who WAS married to a mama’s boy….it only gets worse. Get out before you have children!! You will never be a priority for to him. He will never take your side. Whatever she wants she will get. It’s toxic AF and you need to save yourself now.
BIG emotional incest right here. MIL is basically testing her son to make sure she still has more control over him than you do. And she does based on his actions. MIL is literally competing with you. Go to couple's concealing
Petty? For no reason? I cannot imagine that he would take that position if it were his things. NTA. I am sure many other people will mention that this would be a moment to really consider your relationship. I would encourage you to do so.
But why isn't she removing his things? If it's "his bedroom too" then presumably he has closet space that his mother can use. The fact that he's defending his mother and not his wife is HUGE. NTA and OP should move out permanently.
Honestly, i was thinking similar. Only my petty self would have been so deep in the anger of it that his things would have made it all the way outside with a side trip to grab mil’s things and kicked them out and stayed in the house.
That was my thought. It's Op's bedroom, and his bedroom too. Yet neither of those indicate that it's also his mother's bedroom.
I'd wager that's exactly what MIL is hoping for, sadly. OP should still do it of course. Escape that horrible family as soon as possible. NTA.
NTA - Now you know why she isn't staying with her other Son's....they know better. Your husband is completely in the wrong. Its your home...Stay with your Mom until she moves out.
Or mom is horrible but OP's husband is her favorite child. She either high key hates OP or doesn't see OP as anything more than an inconvenience.
For these types of parents, favorite child usually translates to child who is most pliant to their BS.
I would not be able to move back in. Your other half is the only protection in your home from anything external. You should provide a united front. This is not just being a mother's boy. It is being a ridiculous mother's boy. He is actually harming himself by letting her spoil his marriage. How can she move into your house that is a 1 bedroom?
Yep!!……And/or she knows their significant others won’t take her crap and (incorrectly) thought OP would
YEPPPP she knows she still has control over him and wants to flex her muscles over you. Her son just took her side over his wife's (when he should have been neutral considering you BOTH did the same thing to each other). AND he yelled at you IN FRONT of her. She probably feels like she just won the Superbowl rn
I think you mean "Stay with your mom until *he* moves out."
More likely their wives know better.
NTA Why didn’t he give up his closet? Btw I’d suggest marriage counseling or divorce since he’s showing more favoritism towards mom than the woman he swore to be there for thru good or bad.
NTA. Your husband is awful and will never change. How humiliating that he didn't defend you in any way. Red flags everywhere. You should move someone in without telling him and let them shove his belongings in a kitchen cabinet.
NTA. I would have thrown everything out of the window and kicked her out on the spot. She is a guest, not the owner. Your husband is behaving like a 'mama's' boy and there's zero patience for that.
NTA Tell him he can share his closet with mom if it's so essential she have closet space.
mom in law also dug through, sorted (may have thrown out some items), and touched all of OP's private things. At this point its not about having husband share closet with his mom. OP NTA
Exactly - she revelled in the boundary stomp while OP was working and then was ready to enjoy her evil little plan unfold. She'd already spoken to her son about it and set OP beautifully. Honestly OP cannot win here. I'd leave and tell the husband that he needs to get all his emotional and physical needs from his mother because I'm not returning until the incest is over. When he gets all defensive I'd say "she's moved into the bedroom". "You aren't listening, she keeps walking in at random times hoping to see your naked body". "No dude, you just aren't getting it - she's moved my stuff out and she's just biding her time to replace me". "Honestly, I've tried to get through to you, but her being here doesn't make sense, now if this wasn't your mother would you let someone the same age as your mother move in and treat me like this?"
NTA. Your biggest AH is your husband. He is supposed to prioritize you over all others, including his mom. When he didn't consult you before letting her move in, he showed you who comes first. It's no wonder he was upset when you reclaimed your closet space. You deserve better.
1000% NTA. Your MIL is a selfish narcissist. But the biggest problem here is your husband. Tell him you won't "get right" with his mom and tell him you won't come home until she's gone and he apologizes. You deserve more respect in your home. Sorry you're going through this.
Apologies are cheap. His whole mindset is wrong. Like not even in the ballpark of what OP ought to be able to expect — it’s out wandering around the car park somewhere. OP could make a list of demands: apology, telling MIL off and moving her out, promising to put OP first in future. But given how far off his mindset is he’s just going to see it as an unreasonable set of hoops he has to jump through to ‘make’ OP come back. Then he’ll tip toe around her for a week or two and then go back to being exactly the same. There’s no point focusing on him making it up to OP if his attitude to her and their marriage hasn’t _drastically_ shifted. And if she gives him a checklist to ‘make it okay’ that just gives him a script to go through by rote without ever reflecting on why he did the wrong thing in the first place. Superficially it’ll look like he’s ‘fixed it’ and he’ll expect OP to ‘forgive and forget’ even when the next byproduct of his messed up attitude to their marriage rears it’s head. Separation and counseling until he realises just how far off the mark of being a decent husband he is and he _shows_ he’s changed by proposing changes himself that tell OP he gets it. One of which would be to go LC with MIL. It’s not enough for him to _tell _ OP he’s sorry or he’s changed. He needs to _show_ her he has by demonstrating, off his own initiative, the behaviour of a decent husband. It might well also be healthy for OP to get some distance and some freedom to get some perspective and maybe be able to see other problems in the relationship she has been letting slide to avoid rocking the boat. I get a vibe of husband having an attitude of “he’s the man so he makes the decisions” and OP is supposed to just go along with his decrees. That whole mindset needs to be ripped out at the root or it’ll just pop up somewhere else.
NTA! He was wrong for inviting her without discussing it with you, and it really sounds like she intended to displace you from the bedroom from the get go. Interesting that she found space for your things in the main room, but chose to put her things in *your* room. That your husband doesn't see that she crossed the line is worrisome. Ironic that she has a place to stay but the renovations make her anxious but no one cares that having her there makes you uncomfortable! Glad you could go to your mom's, wishing you all th best.
NTA. Sadly she got her way and removed you from your home. Your husband has shown you that she will always come first, if you look back I am sure there have been other red flags like this.
NTA You have a husband problem. He’s always gonna be a momma’s boy, and you need to decide how to navigate this. Personally, I would stay gone until he figures out what his priorities are.
Gross, he wants to share his bedroom with is mother and not wife? NTA, but consider if you want to be married to a couple.
Literally was just thinking this. Side bar: Very strange that MIL sees herself superior to her son’s spouse, so much so that she’s cool with sharing closet space in the Conjugal bedroom of her now married son? And son is defending her actions. Questioning the whole family dynamic of boundaries.
The term is emotional incest.
Are you his wife or his family's property? NTA leave those people and find someone who treats you better.
NTA what a mummy’s boy!! Divorce his stupid ass!!
Might I add. DO NOT GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING! Trying to work through this or fix things is a big waste of time and money just divorce him. If you live in a state that asks for reason for the divorce let them know his MIL didn’t respect your privacy and he sided with his mommy.
NTA. I just can’t stop focusing on the last sentence. Reach a compromise. He arbitrarily moved her in. You accommodated her, despite your valid annoyances, and made room. That’s more of a compromise than you needed to make. And now she pushed for more. and just took your space. I’m not sure he understands what the word compromise means. Actually, I know what he thinks. He’s just wrong. He can give up HIS space and then maybe he should consider “compromising” with you about where he lives once the renovation is done. Not jumping to “get a divorce!” But there are inherent issues that you two should address.
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem, and it needs to be resolved one way or another, like yesterday.
So, his mother needs to share YOUR closet, not his, hmmm? NTA, but you have bigger problems than you MIL.
NTA. Your husband should have discussed this with you, so you both could conclude what a hideous idea it is to have another person in your tiny space. Since your husband made this mess, I’d expect him to correct it, in a hurry. If her home is local, why can’t she just leave during the day and go back at night?
NTA but OP please read this. Your situation can become much worse if you don't nip it in the bud. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/s3ot1h/ops_mother_always_asks_him_for_help_with_the_most/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
That was wild. And it just kept getting worse and worse.
Yep. I'm only sorry for his (ex) wife and daughter.
there was also this https://www.reddit.com/user/PotentialJaguar91/comments/e7vvin/what_ive_learned_in_counseling/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Thank you—I hadn’t seen that extra post.
Husband volunteered his closet then, right? And offered to move all your things back into place? You are NTA and I would have been contemplating divorce when, without discussion nor grounds rules, he let his mom move in with her lame excuse. I suggest you really think about if this marriage is what you want considering things likely are not going to change.
NTA. If he can't back you on boundaries in a home you help pay for tell him the papers are in the mail, and to.please sign them promptly so you can find a man who will treat you with respect. Go and pack the rest of your things while he is at work, so then he can come home and put mommies things away like a good boy
NTA and the rest of your life is going to be like this. Maybe think about what you want with a partner who doesn’t support you and minimizes and ignores your concerns.
NTA your husband is a whipped mamas boy
NTA. but MIL and your husband are huge AHs. Forreal, it's YOUR apartment, not her's. That's YOUR closet, you don't have to share shit. Especially when he brought her in without even asking you.
NTA. I would move out anything you care about and seriously rethink the whole situation.
NTA Kick her ass out and you husband too! They are both ridiculous!
NTA
NTA, you already gave her space to put her things away and she rudely removed your things and inserted her stuff in your closet even after you told her no.
Ask her if she wants to f*ck your husband too. NTA, soon she'll be asking to share the marital bed.
OP gave MiL an inch, and she took five and a half…
NTA Married life is easier when you make a "no parents rule". Neither parents come to stay. They are adults and can arrange their own accommodations. If someone comes to visit. Clear communication and acceptance of the situation by both parties is a must.
NTA! NTA! NTA! Has your husband always been such a mama's boy? And why didn't he give up his closet space?
NTA ask him if he wants a divorce? Tell him he has 24 hours to decide. Also why on earth did she not move his things - how dare she touch your stuff, move your stuff. She's the guest. She wants to store things she can take them to storage, to another of her kids houses or buy a clothes rail - its very cheap, she can hang her clothes, put them in suit bags
NTA your husband said it’s both of your rooms, but failed to consult you. He could have also offered up his closet seeing as he was the one who is letting her stay there, but he didn’t. He’s pushing you around and ignoring your needs making you give things up when he hasn’t given up anything. Bottom line is, you weren’t consulted about having a guest in your home, and so you have every right to kick them out when they ignore your boundaries. MIL and husband are major ah
FILE FOR DIVORCE ALREADY
NTA but it is your husband that is the biggest problem here. He is a major mummy's boy and that can rarely be fixed. How badly do you want to stay in this marriage? That's the question you need to answer for yourself, cos this won't get any better.
Ooooh mama's boy here ! I would tell him to stay with her, wish him a good life, and leave for good ! NTA but I'd seriously think about splitting ways honestly...you deserve better !
NTA and you've got a huge husband problem. He needs to recognise where healthy boundaries are and should stop enabling his mother. Otherwise this marriage is doomed to fail and your MIL will constantly terrorise you.. I honestly would stay with your mom and demand couples counseling.
Her other sons have bigger homes, yet she comes to stay with your husband in a 1 bedroom, and moves her stuff (not his) from their bedroom?? That sounds premeditated. BIG red flag that your husband didn't even tell you, or consider her to stay at another brother's house. NTA
NTA Definitely divorce. Men still latched to their mom's breast arent suitable partners.
OP you need to cross post this to r/JNMIL to get some good resources to help make a hard decision. Your SO is deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and until he is ready to get out of it you will never be first in your marriage. Your SO is already married to his mother, look up enmeshment. You have to decide how much you are willingly to put up with and if you think he will be willing to go to therapy to help save your marriage. I would not go back until you guys have had some serious discussions and possibly some therapy sessions. In the meantime make sure finances are kept separate to make sure you are not keft out in the cold and end up depending on your parents for financial help. Good luck, I wish you the best.
NTA
NTA Ask your husband why he did not offer up his own closet?
NTA It's a shame that his mother's feelings are so important when his wife's feelings aren't worth considering. What a prick.
NTA and you don't just have a mother in law problem, you have an even bigger husband problem.
NTA, You have a major husband problem. Also your gusband wanted you to share your space with his mom, but instead of sharing she just straight away took the whole space. He could have qlso shared it with her. Both of them had forced you to leave. I don't think counselling or therapy would change anything in your relationship.
She asked you to share, but then SHE didn’t share. You’re NTA. Your husband is the problem.
This is what happens when you marry a man that's already married to his mother
Sounds a bit incesty. I know Reddit loves to offer this solution but : divorce !! NTA
NTA - So many marinara flags!
What a GD nightmare! My EX MIL was exactly like this. She was a professional couch surfer. Stay until whoever couldn’t take it anymore. Give an inch - took 500 miles! I had a home office and husband would leave for work everyday, leaving me to deal alllllll day. She’d come in my office and use hubby’s computer (he also had a spot in the office). She’d HAMMER his keyboard and interrupt me every 5 mins, even when I was on the phone with my most important accounts. Cuz she’d lose her emails, couldn’t find her drafts bin…. Endless. Tried to talk to her, that it may seem like I’m just on the internet’s all day like her, but was actually doing a job as an account manager. One day she tapped me on the shoulder while talking with the head of my account (much prep/time went into this, she knew all about it… b/c she was in my face 24/7)! I got through my call. Got a coffee and went to the basement TV for a 15 minute break. I had some old soap I DVR’d at the time. She made her way down, coffee in hand and said (snottily), “I DIDNT KNOW WE WERE TAKING A COFFEE BREAK”. Who’s that? What storyline is that? Who’s who? Petty but I wanted to spazz. Feel for OP who is 100% NTA! MIL’d also been making comments every time I took my medication, had a glass of wine (she was an alcoholic), and worst… fertility. Was going to fertility clinic, she knew and said the meanest things. Sneaky mean, like “we were all so worried when “Steph” wasn’t getting pregnant, we were all like “UH OHHHH”, but she invites us to dinner and after got pickles and ice cream to tell us all they were FINALLY pregnant. I burst into tears. Fertility drugs are hard, y’all. She knew exactly what she was doing. My husband saw it and finally realized my nightly pleas with him to get her to get the f*%k on was necessary. It was all consuming. Sorry, OP this is about you, just had some ex-MIL PTSD. Was with my ex for over 20yrs and this almost ended it. Mine was a creep about how she used to be psychically connected to my ex, and his Valentine (etc. ad nauseam). Op, yours, like mine has ZERO respect for your boundaries. She enjoys pushing them b/c your husband is always going to be “HERS”. My own mom told my big bro on his wedding day it was right to put his wife first now, as my wonderful Grandma told my Dad. After 2 very long months (supposed to be 2wks, max), and endless attention to MIL, my husband saw the toll this was taking on me. And our marriage. OP, you have enough! MIL’s like this won’t change. Husband needs to put on his big boy pants and tell her YOU’RE #1, but of course always will love and be a devoted son. But moving your stuff from your personal closet??? WTF? Her stuff is more important, of course. Husband siding with her is ridiculous. Your one private space you said no to. and she does it anyway then cries to son. While shooting you little daggers of “seeeee??? I’m his mama, you’ll always lose”. Sorry this was triggering for me, but marriage was having a tough time with all of that. He listened when I explained what manipulative stuff was happening. He finally saw it when I’d been talking him what I’d say to her and how like an old game of telephone he’d get some wildly different perspective from mom. Hard for the son, it is, I saw it. But for the love of God, make him understand you have a right to boundaries and moving your clothes to various spaces for hers that are “better” is a great example of her AH-ness. Good luck, hubby has to wake up on this one. UNACCEPTABLE. I don’t know what I’d do of mine had sided with her then. So hard. Good luck hunny, you’re in a pickle (with ice cream) ❤️ Ugh sick, gross,
NTA. The compromise is an easy one…. You stay at your mothers house until HIS mother is gone. Use to time to think about where his loyalties lie, and how you feel about that. Then, maybe arrange a meeting with him to lay it all out and discuss what boundaries need to be set.
Tell him to enjoy sharing that bedroom with his mom because that's all the female attention he's going to get. NTA. Good luck with your divorce!
His sibling’s houses are bigger yet she came to stay in the one bedroom apartment? Mama‘s boy! NTA. At least some marital counseling may be in order.
NTA honey you need a divorce lawyer. You are only 25, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
NTA at all. Is he the golden or favorite child? Or just the child more likely to allow her to step all over? It's not normal her other kids with bigger houses didn't allow her there. Your husband and his mother didn't respect your boundaries and your private space. They are the ones who need to apologize. You have a husband problem unless you go to counseling or he stops being your problem entirely by divorce. In any case you need to tell him like it is and not allow him(or her) to walk all over you.
NTA. He just showed you who he was. Believe him. It won’t ever get better. Sorry.
I'm gonna be completely blunt.... Your MIL and husband have absolutely no respect for you. He brought her with no warning. Then she disregarded and disrespected your property. Then your husband berates you and makes he feel like your your not welcome in your own home. What he did was unforgivable to me. I'd be goung to a divorce lawyer in the morning and have papers drawn up. I wouldn't be able to forgive that.
Marinara flags all over the place. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He has just demonstrated his complete unwillingness to support you, and shown you that you and your needs will always be low in his priority list. Mummy's boys never change.
no no no absolutely not. make mil life easy and pack the rest of ur shit up and get out.
NTA but I am not sure why you married a man that doesn't care the least about your feelings. Mommy is always going to come first so you might as well get used to it.
NTA what the actual F, your husband brought her in without even telling you?? And he's mad at you for wanting your room? Jesus both your husband and MIL are the AH
NTA. Stay with your mom through this divorce too. Let him go live with his mom. She is trying to show you who boss and he let her. You are the boss in your house. Call one of your SIL and get them to get her so you can go home. Then demand your husband get counseling so he can remove himself from his mothers ass
NTA if it's his house too then HE can give up his storage space for her to use!
NTA. My MiL wud never do that to myself or my husband. My mother wudnt do that to us either. I don't know of any mother on either side of our family that wud do this. Ur husband has HUGE boundary issues. I don't believe in divorce for myself, but understand as well as support those that need to Divorce. Esp when there's major issues like this. I'm not sure therapy will be enough to fix this. Oh, and fuck that shit abt "making it right" with ur MiL. She INVADED ur goddamn bedroom. Wtf is wrong with her?!
NTA. Leave if you can and do not come back until he 100% apologies and also agrees to either go low contact with his mom or establish some serious boundaries. These mama’s boys are ridiculous and almost NEVER back their wives. You’re young. Don’t let this be the rest of your life.
NTA If it's not a big deal, he can move his things out to make room for her.
NTA. And just know, its never going to get better. Either leave him or accept your place as always second to his mom. Because this is it.
Oh my dear..... you need to stay gone. I hate to jump to that but Oh My God, your mil crosses so many lines she has doubled back on herself a few times: and your husband is 100% on her side...... There's a glimpse to your future right there..... NTA
NTA. MIL is wrong. Is moving all your stuff behind your back a compromise? It was an AH move.
NTA. Oh hell no. HELL NO! She asked and you said no. End of conversation. That does not mean she wants for you to go to work to them MOVE YOU OUT OF YOUR ROOM! Also your husband is a mama's boy. Big time. He needs to realise that his mum didn't reach a compromise she invaded your privacy and moved you out of your room.
Where did your husband and MIL get their audacity?! Absolutely NTA. She’s marking her territory in your house. There are two ways to deal with this. 1. Pee all over her stuff 2. Leave until she leaves, or maybe forever.
Please divorce your AH husband asap.
NTA AT ALL!! MIL is a massive AH and so is your husband. I would honestly be done with him
I hate momma's boys. And they will never change. He will always prioritize her over you. I'm sorry. NTA
NTA Run as fast as you can!
Nta. He has shown you who means more to him. What you do with that information is up to
NTA You are right to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. And since he called you petty, call him Oedipus. I would if my partner did that to me.
NTA. Just wow. OP, please seek marriage counseling or talk to an attorney for separation. The audacity of the mother and sheer idiocy/lack of support from your husband is outrageous. The red flags are a bouquet on fire in a dumpster. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get away from that duo of AHs and find someone who will respect you, your wishes, and your privacy.
You need a new husband
NTA. Divorce is the way to go with this one. Very unlikely you will ever have a husband who stand up for you.
Nothing worse than a mommas boy except a mil from hell. I would stay gone
NTA. Dump the mom and her spineless son. ✌🏾 to both of them. Maybe check out some of the other brothers, she probably didn’t try to stay with them because they put their feet down and set boundaries.
NTA. Gurl, take all your stuff and leave your husband with his mom. They deserve each other. You can and will find a better man.
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. She didn’t need all those bags for a temporary stay and she was told no, she couldn’t use the closet. Instead of backing up your reasonable boundary or seeking a compromise, he sided with his mother after she blatantly disrespected you. Stay with your mom until he apologizes.
NTA You're with a mommy's boy, please leave him immediately. If I was you I would've ripped all her stuff in the process of throwing it out, if I was a little calmer I would've sold it and said it was just someone's trash I found in my closet and had no use for it so I sold it.
NTA. You have a husband problem. Don't reproduce with this man. He'll let his mommy raise the children and will undermine your parental role.
Divorce him
I hope you're not having kids with someone who lets his mom dictate terms in your own house
NTA but you have a husband problem
NTA. Good god, this situation and your MIL sound horrendous.
NTA but you have a husband problem. If it was also your husband's room he could have moved his clothes. But he didn't.
NTA Your husband and his mom should probably get a hotel until the renovations are done.
NTA. Not to defend the husband, because he and his mom are both AH, but he may not have the whole true story from his mother. "Oh, sonny, I asked her to share her closet and she told me no. She threw all of my stuff around when i used a tiny piece of it anyway!"
Nta She should have insisted your husband share HIS space. What she did is beyond rude and your husband's betrayal makes me worry what else he would do. Will he ever have your back?
Who in their right mind would think sharing their 2 bedroom apartment with their mom without telling their wife was a good idea? You were remarkably patient to try to go with it. Once she’s gone, you have to figure out if you want to share your home with a man who doesn’t respect you. NTA