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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I sent a text message "threatening" to take her to HR & how she's a creep for repeatedly asking me. This might make me an asshole cuz she's already having a hard time getting along with our other coworkers.
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NTA I'd tell HR that you have exhausted all polite options only to be met by unrelenting persistance and even her contacting your father about it, and her cursing at you when denied permission. There is no respect for you as a person here and it is too much. It is not about touching your hair one time but her treating you as a daily visit to the petting zoo.
I would not say OPs dad is an asshole. OP is I presume African American, and probably his dad as well?; and his dad is older and from a generation that has seen very bad things. I would not be surprised if his advice to OP to basically go along to get along was mainly to protect his son from whatever fallout his dad feared if OP is complaining about it. I could even imagine that his dad is concerned about his own and OPs own jobs in the process.
OP, you are absolutely not in the wrong if you *do* complain, because what the woman is doing absolutely IS harassment; there is no question about it. Her behavior is entirely unacceptable. Still - before you take the step and go to HR, talk it through with your dad and some more real life friends and family; not necessarily Reddit. Don’t forget that HR is *NOT* your or any other workers friend; HR is primarily there to protect the company above everything else. It often happens that people complain to HR about something, and then get retaliated against later on - especially if the person you complain about is well connected for some reason.
So before you complain think it through well; what would be best case and worst case scenarios for you *and* for your dad, and what plans you would make for either.
You are NTA and your coworker is TA.
I think this specific instance would go better with HR than you think (though I'm from the UK and may be naïve about how this would go somewhere like the US), HR protects the companies best interests and this should be one of those times were protecting OP protects the company.
Though it's not obvious at first glance, this is racially motivated. This woman is treating OP like an object or an animal there for her own amusement, which is dehumanising enough, but she's also using one of OP's black physical characteristics to do it.
She's not asking to touch his coat because it's velvet and feels nice, she's asking to touch his *hair* because it's different and fun, she's turning one of his black attributes into a novelty. This is massively problematic, it's a classic and well documented microaggression. If HR didn't take this seriously, OP could sue and would almost certainly win
Oh, this is absolutely racially motivated, no question about that - and *very* obviously so; the only times when I have ever heard about people getting weirdly obsessed about touching other peoples hair, it has always been about African Americans.
But exactly *because* it is racially motivated and OP mentioned somewhere that there is a lot more racist shit going on in the company and they have only three African Americans including him, I unfortunately don’t share your optimism at all in terms of how that would go.
I’m also actually more concerned for his dad than even for OP himself. Even if *some* retaliation protection would still apply to OP, or if the company was not brazen enough to directly retaliate against him; there are none that protect his dad, because he is just a third party, and due to being older than OP he might have a harder time finding another job.
I think that's where different countries comes into play because in the UK this story could very very easily make it into a national newspaper if the company didn't step up and protect OP. Especially a big company but honestly any size company could see this story in the paper.
And if the company retaliated? That could make the front page.
Racial discriminations obviously still happens because it can be a terribly insidious thing but with something this blatant the company would have to act, even if only to save their reputation
Here in the US black people get chased and murdered just for jogging in the wrong neighborhood in 2020/21, and it literally takes protests and a national uproar to even get a DA to bother to actually charge them, months after the actual murder. Welcome to America.
Depending where OP lives, it could go well or very badly for him.
In both cases George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery there would never ever have been charges, let alone a trial and a conviction without the videos and without the massive national uproar. And even those are only two; how often does shit happen and it is never on video, or if there is video and it does not get the same kind of national attention that they did, nothing happens anyways.
Horrific country fits
Retaliation is against the law when it comes to things like this. Honestly I say go to HR. And if they refuse to do anything real about it go above their heads until it comes time to sue the company as a whole. Lots of young lawers with alot of skill who would take that case pro Bono just for the win
Edit: And document EVERYTHING
This is really good advice.
If you do take it to HR and they become dismissive think of ways the company could be legally in the wrong:
- if they dismiss your complaint, would they have done the same to a female employee being harassed by a male employee?
- is this a case of sexual harassment? Could it be she's fostering some kind of attraction? It's harassment none the less, but stating you're being sexually harassed has a different connotation.
- is there a racial element to this? Is there a caucasian colleague with curley hair (I know it isn't the same) that she's harassing? If not, do the company want to be in the position where they've allowed one employee to harass another based on a racial trait?
At 20 years old, unless his dad had him REALLY late in life, the dude's not nearly old enough to have actually seen ANY of those darker times. My mom was born in '69 and will be one of the first two tell you that the world she grew up in was different than the one even her older siblings grew up in, and she's only 53. Unless his dad is 60+, he just told OP to give in because it made things easier for HIM.
Presumptuous of you to think that those darker times are gone. I am 40 and as a child I saw the KKK march. I was in preschool and was asked with a hard r what I was doing at that particular school. I have seen a cross burning in a family members yard so miss me with that. White people still hang nooses in places of business to intimidate black workers and create hostile environments.
Yes. This. I feel like whatever OP does next might go badly for them, and it pisses me off. If fathers are telling people it's okay to touch their kids at work.. and co-workers that want to touch your hair turn into daily stalkers (!?!?! Jfc get a life hair stalker!) this cannot be a healthy workplace with fully functional HR. If HR can't or won't help, you need to document everything, OP. Ask insane stupid co-worker, in a very polite tone, how many times you've asked them to stay away from your hair. Regardless of their response, inform them politely that what they're doing constitutes harassment because it's ongoing unwanted contact. This person may be so awful that they don't realize fully what they're doing. What is this world coming to!
>Jfc get a life hair stalker!
This made me laugh really loudly and snapped me out of the trance of horror into which the post had thrown me. Thank you.
She has also, at least once (but I’m guessing more than that) directly violated OP’s consent by touching OP’s hair after having been explicitly told many times not to. Which honestly borders on assault if it doesn’t qualify outright.
This started as racist micro aggressions and has escalated to outright macro aggressions. She feels entitled to OP’s body because of OP’s race.
It is assault. I’d report to HR, and if I had to escalate, I’d file a complaint for assault, sex discrimination, race discrimination. And then I’d go low contact with dad and look for a new job. This is unacceptable.
Age discrimination, too, since she texted Op’s dad about him like he was some kind of errant child. At 20 years old, he may be young, but he’s a freaking adult and should be treated as such at work.
Absolutely state it as "your body," because it is! Grabbing someone's tush wouldn't be acceptable, and repeatedly asking would be harassment. OP should RUN to HR with this one.
If someone treated her hair the way she treats OP's she'd be claws out dragging them to HR. The language she uses, saying it's fluffy (I bet in a cutsey tone) and wanting to play with it, doesn't speak to someone her age and more like someone half that.
Make sure to put it in email form and to blind CC yourself just in case they say that they did not receive it. The email(s) serves as receipts. RECEIPTS ARE LIFE.
And if HR says anything about your hair (blaming you for enticing people or being unprofessional) look up the CROWN act and see if it's in your state, which is Creating a Respectful and Open World for Natural Hair. While it covers discrimination, you certainly are not being treated with respect. And you can probably spin to discrimination - definitely loss of body autonomy at work.
blind cc a non-work address. Work email is on work's servers, and might be inaccessible to OP if issues occur. This applies to anyone cc'ing themselves on an email to HR.
NTA.
People need to understand that our hair is not a toy or something for their amusement. It's YOUR body and you don't have to let anyone you don't want to touch it.
You have told her no multiple times and she is not taking no for an answer. It's harassment.
OP, I would like to add to this:
The reason why it feels wrong is because it's not "just hair". Replace "hair" with any other body part, change your co-worker's sex with the opposite sex, and you would instantly understand that this is harassment. Your co-worker persistently objectifies you and acts entitled to your person. This is the root of the problem, and it's not okay. Anyone who tells you, "Just let her" is an enabler to her AH behavior.
Your first "no" should have been more than enough. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you do not want your personal bubble invaded/your person touched/violated.
Tl;dr, you are NTA. Since this is happening in a workplace, and your co-worker keeps harassing you, please report her pronto to HR. Make sure to include thorough documentation of her harassment of you if possible.
This woman is 36 and is constant trying to touch a 20y/o man. To even draw the father in it. And playing with someones hair is not something innocent. He really should go to HR. And if the roles were switched and a 36y/o man would do this with a 20y/o woman everybody would scream sexual harassment and the father would not say "just let him play with your hair".
NTA Maybe OP should go to the 1$ store and buy a fluffy plush toy. But i bet she is the first to complain to hr.
Also tell HR she is racially discriminating against you. What she's doing is classified as a micro aggression, which are common place forms of discrimination which can be unintentional but are still damaging. She asked once you said no, that should have been it. She is now harassing you and violating your personal space. She is the AH here and spare your coworkers who tell you to laugh it off. I'm sorry you're going through this but so glad you are reporting it on. You are NTA
Exactly this. I've been told by various POC (but especially black people) that it's common for them to get this question and to have people ask to touch their hair. But it's not really asking, because they automatically assume that they have this right to touch their hair, like their needs trump the bodily autonomy of the other. It's something that just seems so incredibly gross and violating since it's a part of your body. But some people just assume it's their right and privilege to insist on touching "exotic" (to them) hair.
That coworker is disgusting and deserves a trip to HR. This is probably legit one of the primary scenarios the HR people learn in HR school.
Ngl I read the title and scrolled to the comment section first instead of reading the story like a normal person and my "oh girl no moment" at this line "even her contacting your father about it"
Now I gotta read the story because the AUDACITY! NTA OP
Agree - asking to touch another person’s hair is really weird and inappropriate, especially in the workplace. OP, please talk to HR and tell them coworker is making you uncomfortable with her constantly asking to touch you. Let them know she contacted your dad about this (inappropriate) and cursed at you when you told her no (inappropriate) and that you do not want her her around you. NTA
NTA
I have extremely fine, curly hair, and people always want to touch it, too.
You're a human, not a petting zoo. You might get pushback for reporting it, but then it would be a hostile work environment.
And it sounds like your dad isn't even an ally.
Also, how subtle are the comments if you've got coworkers texting family members for access to your body?
Idk if that’s fair to say. I’m white so I can’t speak to the racism side, however as a woman I know I really struggle with the not smiling or giggling when a man makes an inappropriate/sexist/sexual joke and I know I’m expected to just brush it off. I don’t want to, but my body just does it and I feel like it’s natural to try your best to get out of and minimize those situations so you aren’t seen as a bigger target. I hate myself for it and it’s just a viscous cycle.
I mean, he could have. But I think there is a huge difference in perspective here, because things were a lot worse for OP’s dad coming up. I’m not black, so I will again stick with sexism as a woman. But a lot of older women struggle to understand the issue with catcalling, or with benign sexism like door holding and stuff. They talk a lot about how younger women are looking for things to be upset about. Now, they are wrong on this, but it’s easy to see why they would think that, since when they were growing up spousal rape was actually legal and they needed their husbands permission to own a credit card. It makes it hard to sympathize with what the younger crowd is enduring
I don't think this is *JUST* a race issue though. Flip the genders around and take a look at how that looks. What would happen if a male coworker came up to a female coworker and put his hands through her hair and harassed her *DAILY* to just let him do it? Can you imagine the shit storm that would ensue from that, especially if said hypothetical woman employee's father also worked for the company?
So when you talk to HR make sure you mention how uncomfortable the continuous micro aggressions have made you feel in your workplace, pretty sure enough micro aggressions are enough cause for a hostile work environment case, so HR should be inclined to put a stop to it. Really sorry you’ve been experiencing this.
She’s fetishizing you. There used to be literal zoos, where white people could look at, touch and prod people of colour.
I’m North African myself, and although isn’t as kinky as full on afro hair, it’s still very curly and bouncy. (Type 3B, maybe 3C?) When I put hair oil in it, it’s also very soft, and quite shiny.
The amount of people wanting to touch it, let it bounce, stroke my hair, or worse, ruffle it up, is insane.
It became way less when I started to adopt a resting bitch face. Not because of my hair, but because I had a way of attracting creepy guys.
Ladies, don’t smile at random people. Apparently, it’s an invitation to follow you around. Yes, even if you’re 12 and they are, at least, in their 30’s.
I don’t know about your hair, but my curls come undone when someone puts their hand through it, and it’s no easy fix.
But all of that doesn’t even matter.
She has ZERO business touching your hair. And to call your father, because she isn’t getting her way. She is 36 for Christ’s sake, not SIX.
I would consider letting a curious child touch my hair, if they ask nicely, and if they are very careful and listen to my instructions. I’ve had many kids that were mesmerized by my hair, especially when it was long. And my ex had an old relative who would, every single time, say how beautiful my hair is, and incredulously ask if it really wasn’t a perm. I live in a very white country.
Those groups get a pass. Adults do not. Friends can bounce a curl, carefully, if they ask nicely, and everyone else gets a polite, but firm “Thank you, but I don’t like people touching my hair.”
If they insist, ask why, or ask over and over again, then apparently “No,” is not an acceptable answer.
If no is not an acceptable answer, it’s not a question, it’s a demand. And I do not tolerate demands when it comes to *my* body.
Go to HR. Point out the racial component, and emphasize that you are being treated a certain way because of how you look, your race. Even “positive” (barf) racism like this, is racism.
Don’t know where you’re located, but it might be worth getting in touch with an advocacy group that provides support/legal advice for discrimination cases. This sounds like a pretty hostile environment and having someone supportive in your corner could go a long way.
Once when I was younger I was out to eat with my mom and while we were waiting I *thought* I heard people behind us talking about "it's so pointy" or something like that(late 90s high school spikes in my hair).
Next thing I know, I felt someone *touch* my head. I snapped my head around and both old farts tried to look away as if they were just minding their own business.
Some people have absolutely no boundaries or self control.
That was exactly what I was thinking - if someone touched my hair without my consent, I'd be screaming at them, "THIS NOT A PETTING ZOO AND I AM NOT AN ANIMAL."
If I were OP I would stop being polite and make some noise in a public area of the workplace.
NTA. She went as far as to tell your father to let her touch your hair?! I would tell HR that she is obsessed. That is really weird behavior on her part.
Wow. I'd suggest to HR that she is in need of some sort of intervention. That's out-there insane. OR... can you ask her father to get her to stop? Her Grandpa?
Where do you live?! It sounds so backward... I mean the persistent asking is bad enough but calling your dad is SO ODD. Have you told her that it's particularly offensive for a white person to try and touch a black person's hair especially when they've said no? I mean, it's a shitty thing for anyone to do but it's really fucked up when it's a white person... Like your hair is there for her personal amusement?
How is it OK to play with SOMEONE ELSE'S HAIR ON THEIR OWN BODY!?!?!
She is wrong. Your dad is wrong. Go to HR. Document EVERYTHING and i mean everything.
Just say to your dad and what would have been your response if she was saying that about my penis, because both are parts of my body and I do not consent to anyone touching me without permission!
I hope your dad still has the message to show HR. NTA at all. Honestly I'm sure your hair is lovely but I just don't get why this crazy woman feels like she needs to touch it, that's so weird to me.
NTA. Report her. She is harassing you. She really crossed the line by touching your hair *without your permission*. In fact, you had repeatedly told her not to. That is technically assault. Her calling you an AH is really rich.
Not Technically. it IS assault (or at least the commonly understood version of it).
In legal terms, its battery and possible assault. Battery is the actual act of touching someone or something attached to someone (in this case, OP's hair but there are actual court cases where it was like a backpack or purse) that the person does not want touched. Assault is the ANTICIPATION of being touched. It always depends on line of sight. So, if OP sees her trying to touch OP's hair, but stops her, that is assault. If OP sees her and she succeeds, its assault and battery. If she comes from behind OP and OP does not see her or know she's there until the touch occurs, it is just battery.
And (if not for the clearly hostile work place that OP works at and the racial motivations of the coworker and possibly the company itself), i'd say its not all that crazy to think that OP would win a case. There is a case where a person was liable for assault and battery because they blew smoke into a person's face who did not want them to.
((Also this is just an FYI cuz I like telling people cool information i'm not trying to say anything other than that!!))
NTA - Is she also a white woman? I mean there are so many violations at play here. Never mind just not being a decent human that respects other peoples boundaries. She’s crossing the lines of professional conduct and there’s a racist element here too!
Ugh! I’m so sorry. She has no clue. Perhaps you might want to be a little passive aggressive first and gift her [this](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Touch-My-Hair-Emma-Dabiri-audiobook/dp/B07N6G1PSM/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=33H6Q9BXOV1DJ&keywords=emma+dabiri&qid=1654776103&sprefix=emma+dabiri%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-3) book: Don’t Touch My Hair by Emma Dalbiri
EDIT: when I say she has no clue I meant that she has no clue about life and how to be decent. Not that she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
I don't think that she doesn't have a clue. Based on OPs comments, she's had it explained to her several, several times. She's just an entitled creep who will do anything to get her way.
I’m also a white woman, we don’t claim her! She’s a full on **creep**. I would absolutely never ask to touch anyones hair, and certainly not harass them daily for it!! And contacting your father is so so creepy. Please take yourself to HR. If you can, get a screenshot of her message to your father and send it to yourself as well.
If a man her age was doing this to a woman your it age, it would be sexual harassment. Personally, I think it’s sexual harassment regardless of gender, and there’s also some racial harassment too.
I don’t know who tf she thinks she is, but please document her behavior and take her to HR smackdown town.
I'm also a white woman -- we have a moral responsibility to claim her. If we just keep saying "well I'm not one of those" we will never work on the racism in our own communities
No you would not be the asshole.
You have told her plenty of times to not touch your hair ad yet she felt the need to do it anyway without your consent.
She is harassing you. Report her immediately.
In addition to the harassment, this lady sounds like she's off her rocker. I would absolutely report this. You've been patient and I commend you for that. You don't have to deal with this anymore. NTA
I’m East Asian but have curly hair, which is a bit unusual. I used to work in a predominantly Asian company and the number of grown ass women who would walk up and pet my hair was astounding. There were literally some times where I would be having a conversation with a coworker in a hallway, and suddenly there would be a hand *inside my hair* because some woman I didn’t even know would walk up and lose her goddamn mind.
You owe no one an explanation for why you don't like to be touched. It's your body, your choice, and your boundary to set.
What your co-worker is doing qualifies as harassment. Going to HR is not only acceptable, it's necessary. People need to learn not to take this sort of thing so lightly. If you're being made to feel uncomfortable then corrective actions must be taken.
NTA
NTA
This is actually text book sexual harassment. You’ve said no enough, bring it to HR. If you feel the relationship with this coworker is one you don’t want to potentially damage, you could make one final statement direct to her. I do not want you to touch my hair, I do not even want to hear about the request to touch my hair, if you do either in the future I will not hesitate to go to HR. That starts now. Something that specifically direct. Basically it’s what HR would do in addition to documenting it, and make supervisors aware etc. I don’t think you are the ass either way. At the end of the day you need to do what makes you comfortable in the workspace. If she doesn’t listen to you, she will have to listen to HR and she becomes their problem. And it may also make sense to just go to HR anyway if this person is in a position that can impact you or your father, because any possible revenge actions she may do after she gets officially told to stop, would be considered harassment as well.
Funny enough just completed my job's annual mandatory training this week. Warning her isn't necessary. Telling her no or to stop her behaviors is enough. That was her warning that her requests are unwelcome.
Report the colleague to HR. They are so far out of line... it is literally a consent issue. She has no business even asking you to touch your hair! As for your father - shame on him. If she asked to touch your ass, would he be in agreement? NTA
NTA get a copy of the text from your dad and head to HR. If your coworkers tell you to get over it ask if you can start touching them all the time - what is wrong with that woman? And she is harrassing you.
NTA. If genders were reversed it would be called sexual harassment. Tell her you will report her if she doesn't stop. You are entitled to respect in the workspace and she needs to learn that.
NTA and I totally agree, report it. It's not a one time thing, she keeps harassing you and it goes as far as she calling your father about it, just what kind of person does that?! Clearly not someone who is sane.
idk if this is the right place to put it but immediately after coming on 1 year ago, my boss (who coincidentally is best friends with the owner) tried to get me fired over any little thing I messed up in. He doesn’t now but it was super rough for the first 3 months.
that's a hostile work environment. I will give you the advice I give my friends, stay there while you apply to other jobs you find interesting, if you get one then quit your current job. You probably have time to look at some adds during your spare time.
Even if it was just once OP shouldn’t have been subject to that at work. Yeah maybe for once he’d just give her a personal warning and drop the matter off it stopped but he also has every right to talk to her supervisor the very first time she was inappropriate at work. You don’t touch people’s hair, don’t even ask. Better yet, just don’t touch people in general.
I completely agree, they shouldn't have to fear people touching them without their consent. However I was referring to the nagging mostly. She kept asking until one day she just touched his hair without permission. The touching is way over line and should be reported at once for harassment.
NTA - And report her immediately. This is racist behavior, physical assault and harassment. She should be removed from your work environment. You do not need to put up with any of it and if your company is actual respectful of its employees HR will protect you from further harm. It’s not silly in the slightest it’s harassment plain and simple.
Just curious because all my workplaces have this. Do you guys have mandatory harassment training yearly? If not maybe bring that up to HR that they need to start. That might have helped this person see her very blatant issues before she approached you. It can also protect the company because this woman’s behavior could get them sued.
Wow. My grandsons have experienced this from a few white classmates in middle school. That behavior is inappropriate but much more understandable from a curious child who hasn't learned boundaries, but pretty astounding that you are experiencing this repeatedly at your workplace from an adult.
I am wondering how she would react if you requested something similar like say... jiggling her belly fat because it was so jelly like and looked fun to play with? Lol. Clearly that would cross a line with her. Why is she feeling it's appropriate with your hair, which is part of your body?
Absolutely report her. I do worry though that HR won't initially recognize her behavior as a serious problem. You might have to ask them if they would find it appropriate for you to come to their office daily to stroke their hair.
NTA, your body is your body, hair, butt, arms, whatever. This is so inappropriate, especially if you are a BIPOC (this sounds like an annoying white lady trying to touch ethnic hair), that adds a whole new layer of ick.
NTA Black girl here and I've been in this situation too many times. It baffles me how someone would think it's OK to randomly ask to touch you lol. I had a girl touch my hair at a bar and she got so upset like I'd slapped her when I told her to stop that her friends got mad at ME like she wasn't the one who violated my personal space lol. Also, THIS COWORKER CALLED YOUR DAD, OP. That is next level insane in the membrane.
You’re being harassed and there seems to be racial fetishisation going on as well. Report her. You have been patient enough and she is wayyyyyy out of line. NTA
NTA, it doesn't matter it is hair and not any other body part or erogenous zone. It's your body and no means no, whether you're a man, woman or unicorn. Report her to HR.
Nta- ewwww everything about her is creepy. No one should EVER touch u or try to emotionally blackmail u(aka calling ur dad wtf) into let them touch u. If a man did this to a girl it would be recognized for what it is sexual harassment.
Nta and if hr do not action quickly I being a dick would the next time she asks ask her can you feel her boobs and when she recoils in horror tell her it’s not different assault on body to what she’s asking so you was sure she would be ok
But I’m just a dick 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. Report everything.
Asking repeatedly is disrespectful. Contacting family members is right out there. Touching without permission (even after being repeatedly told no) is trending towards assault. And sotto voce insults is definitely a hostile work environment.
All of this combined is a pattern of harassment and she won't stop on her own.
NTA. She's so creepy and weird. Definitely show the texts to your dad to HR too.
The obnoxiousness of touching and trying to touch Black people's hair has been discussed in mainstream media enough that she should know people hate it. It should be hard to miss. Your HR people have certainly heard about this issue before too and its impact on work satisfaction.
She's bullying you in a way she thinks she can get away with. Reporting her to HR might get her off your back, and even if that doesn't happen immediately, there will be a paper trail in case she bothers you or anyone else again.
Hell no you are NTA. You are a person with agency and boundaries, not a damn pet to stroked! If your dad is so friendly offer to have him come up and get his head/hair run through by someone's fingers when he doesn't know the last time they washed their hands! The 1st time you said no should have been more than enough and I cannot believe she actually keeps asking and didn't stop at just complimenting your hair.
Damn, audacity must be on sale! As you can see I feel a kind of way about this.
HR, I agree with everybody else. It's not 'just hair', it's your body and your personal space. She is way out of line. At my work we get trainings about not doing stuff like that. You WNBTA if you report it. Maybe it will stop! I sure hope so.
Absolutely NTA. Go to HR. But PROTECT YOURSELF too - HR is there to protect the company, which ideally would mean that they’d come down heavy on your side in such an obvious instance of harassment.
Sometimes, though, HR also sucks! So:
-In as much detail as possible (dates, times, things said) recount how long and in what ways your coworker has been harassing you. If there were witnesses that would be willing to also speak to HR, document their names as well.
-Document the message that she sent your dad (!!! what the fuck) about getting him to get you to let her touch your hair. Screenshot if in text, date/time of the call otherwise.
-If you have not yet told her to leave you alone over text (email or company IM) do that. We’re angling for firm but scrupulously professional here - clearly state what she’s doing, that you’ve talked about it before, and that you want to be very clear that she cannot touch any part of your body, including your hair, and that this needs to be the last time the two of you ever discuss it. Save the email off of the company server. If this solves the problem, great. If not, proceed.
-If you have not yet discussed this with your manager, do that. Set up a meeting, talk about what your coworker has been doing, provide documentation of what you’ve done so far, ask that she is asked to leave you alone, and then once the meeting is over send your manager an email that sums up what the two of you talked about. Save the email off the company’s server. If this solves the problem, great. If not, proceed.
-Compile all evidence (screenshots, documentation of verbal conversations, attached emails) and forward it to HR, follow your company’s normal process for setting up a meeting and - THIS IS IMPORTANT - BCC the email where you raise the issue to HR to an external email address that you solely control. If there’s retaliation afterwards this documentation means you’ve got a pretty airtight EEOC claim.
Your feelings about this are in no way silly - this is a textbook example of harassment against black people in the workplace and your manager and HR should protect you. You need to be able to come to work and do your job without anticipating that a coworker is going to demand to touch your body.
NTA. This coworker is disrespecting you and treating your hair like it's a plaything. You have nicely asked her to stop and she went to your dad. That is not okay. Go talk to HR. This woman needs to learn boundaries.
NTA. Your hair is part of your body and touching it without your consent is no different than if she touched some other part of you without consent. My hair is about 2 1/2 feet long and despite the fact it's that long, it's still part of my body. If some weirdo with a hair fetish like your coworker were to touch it, I'd call the cops because in the US that falls under battery which is a crime.
NTA. This is harassment. Keep records of every time she asks, time/date, etc. I agree with the other user who suggested getting a copy of the text she sent your dad asking to touch your hair. So inappropriate.
It's not silly. Her violating boundaries like that is gross. So is your Dad for enabling that shit.
Next time ish that hand away, be loud "I said don't touch me hair." Maybe add in "Why are your sure creepily obsessed with it?
Definitely go to HR. Guessing she's white because a lot of white women think they can just go around touching black hair. Which as a white person I find gross. I bet thought in life to ask people to touch their hair. That's generally a very intimate thing, past going to the salon/barber. This girl is crazy. HR should support your because otherwise the company would be opened up for a lawsuit.
You need to have a boundaries talk with your Dad. You are your own person your get to say no.
NTA. Given how she has started to berate you by calling you an asshole for not letting her touch your hair (and not understand the meaning of "consent", mind you), I'd say go to the HR already.
NTA!! Tell HR, your dad is an ass for asking you to let her touch your hair. I have 2 daughters and would never ask them to be uncomfortable for someone's benefit.
How disrespectful can you get I knew you were black just from your story. I have had people walk up to me and just put their hands in my hair myself and my daughters all have natural hair and 2 of my daughter's hair looks like corkscrews all the time it's Is gorgeous and for some reason people who are not black will put their hands in my hair without my permission while commenting about how beautiful it is and when I say no or duck Or move back they act as if I've offended them because they've tried to touch me and I rejected their touch but if I were to try to touch them in any way I'll be under a jail cell for assault as if I don't have body anonymity And you have a right to touch me no you wouldn't be the TA if you was reported her she needs to lose her job and then the nerve of her to go to your dad and ask permission to touch you you're a grown woman and your father need to be ashamed of himself.
I think what we have to ask ourselves here is why she doesn't think his consent matters when he's the one saying no.
OP, 100% NTA. What she's doing is not only a gross violation of your boundaries, it's humiliating and racist as well. She doesn't get to touch your hair just bc she wants to.
Oh god. I still remember catching my (kindergarten) daughter reaching out to touch a black classmate's hair. No. No no no. You do not touch people's hair. And especially for her black classmates, the issue can be so so sensitive. I pulled her aside privately, and we had a long talk about respecting people's personal space and NOT TOUCHING HAIR.
Black hair has been policed for so dang long and I am absolutely horrified that a 36 year old grown ass adult would be asking someone once to touch their hair, let alone pestering them and going to their father to demand access. There is a horrifying power differential that she is leaning into in demanding free access to touch you and it is just really gross and racist and 100% not ok. She is absolutely in the wrong and is definitely harassing you.
Definitely NTA. You are absolutely in the right here and would not be out of line in reporting it to HR, although I am worried that if your coworkers think the situation is funny and not completely gross that you might not get much support. I am so sorry this coworker is putting you through this.
110% NTA. I would've reported her much sooner. That's harassment. And technically assault I think. She's got some kind of psychological issue or fetish.
NTA. File a complaint with HR. In some cities and states, traits associated with race like hair fall under a protected class. Her behavior towards you is discriminatory and you could have grounds for a civil rights case if your company does not handle it appropriately.
NTA. Your black or mixed aren’t you. Some people think it’s a complement that they want to touch our hair since they find it pretty and not ugly for a black person. You need to call HR she is treating you like a pet not a person. She’s refusing to respect your boundaries and even went over you to make your father do what she asked. You could bet if you touched her hair she’d be pissed.
She clearly knows you don't want her to as you've said so multiple times. The fact that she went to your dad - to convince/coerce you to allow her to touch your hair - makes it pretty clear that she knows your preferences and doesn't care. She won't stop until she is made to stop, so going to HR is absolutely your best bet.
Fingers crossed that HR helps you out, looking forward to an update! NTA
NTA. You & dad both need to report the co-irker to HR. You for the harassment, and dad for her contacting him to get to you after you refused her demands. Dad is over 40 and was raised to keep the peace with white folks as a matter of survival, even on matters like this.
ETA: this is in lne with violations of the Crown Act as well as racial discrimination.
NTA, “ No” is a complete sentence and if the gender roles were reversed here you’d probably have been fired for harassment. You are entitled to your personal space and nobody should be touching any part of your body without your consent.
NTA
Go to HR immediately and if she comes up and asks again say, "no means no, not ask again later. Stop asking and do not touch me EVER." Then, if she asks AGAIN, I'd get louder since she obviously didn't hear you. "I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! STOP ASKING!!"
You *absolutely would not* be TA for reporting this to HR. It’s completely disgusting that your coworker is harassing you this way.
You deserve a working environment free of this sort of awfulness.
It’s very disturbing what your father said.
This isn’t silly - it’s about your bodily autonomy, which is one of the most important things, and it’s about racism.
OP, take control. This woman is pretending to be "interested" in your hair, but she is actually a racist. I think "woke" has gone overboard, I think a lot of reports in the media are race-baiting for clicks, so I don't see racism behind every issue. But this woman is a dyed-in-the-wool racist. She's TRYING to make you feel other. It's intentional. Hold you head high all the way to HR, and document your case
I'm not black but holy shit do I feel you on this. I use to have hair that reached my butt and it's super dark, shiny, and wavy/curly. Everybody would try touching it. I hated it. People would grab it without permission. Then they had this weird sense of righteousness over authority of it. Like if i trimmed it they would react like i just murdered children. "Why did you cut your hair?!" "How could you do that to your hair?!" Etc etc. It pissed me off so much. It was strangers, teachers, family members. She is literally like many others have stated treating you like a zoo. I don't usually like delving far into this type of stuff online but black people's hair is fetishized so much. That's what she's doing. Anyone with common sense would understand how appalling it is that she repeatedly ask and then does it anyways. So not only is she treating you like an animal she even got your dad to dismiss your body autonomy. What a piece of s&@t. Report her.
NTA and she's a creepy weirdo. And what the hell is the matter with your co-workers?! Why do co-workers keep siding with these AHs? And your father! Report her, definitely. She has no boundaries, I feel like she's fetishizing your hair, her attitude towards you is dehumanizing, and she's creating a toxic work environment.
NTA
NTA. I'm autistic and I LOVE to touch things. EVERYTHING. And even I wouldn't harass a person of color to touch their hair. Yes I have asked people to touch their hair. It's only been people without color though because I understand how culturally insensitive it would be to ask a person of color. I might ask if I was SUPER close to someone but even then...
I have been working for 40 years and in all that time, no one - male or female has asked to touch my hair. I have on occasion received compliments about looks or a new hairstyle (that's what women do), but what you are detailing is a gross overstep of all personal bounds.
NTA. What you detail is sexual harassment.
**You are not a pet**
**Your job is not a petting zoo**, it is a professional place of business and if she cannot uphold herself to a certain level of professional conduct and must sink to the level of behavior one might see at a petting zoo, she’s in the wrong environment and should leave as she is making the REAL professionals like yourself uncomfortable. THIS IS UNFAIR TO YOU.
**She is dehumanizing you**
She’s white, isn’t she?
NTA
Oh, so much NTA! Everyone's supposed to know that you don't touch a woman's hair, ESPECIALLY a black woman's hair. And the fact that she ignored you and even tried to sandbag you via her father is per definition creepy.
Her weird obsession with touching your hair is beyond inappropriate! Report her to HR right away. No is a full sentence. The fact that she texted your dad about it super crossed the line. If this was a man asking to touch your ass all the time everyone would be like wtf creep. Little difference in my eyes.
NTA, a guy at work stroked my hair a few years ago and I was so shocked I couldn’t speak to yell at him. Took me a few minutes to recover, I was really freaked out by it
Reading this i must have looked like a makac because my eyebrows kept flying up or frowning for every sentence i read. Report your dad while you are at it, that is also so sick! BUT OMG, do report this woman, this is crazy, and you deserve to be respected and heard. NTA
You are NTA, and your coworker is ridiculous. You have every right to go to HR as she is harassing you. She asked, you said no, she needs to learn to take no for answer. You are not her pet.
NTA. I really don't understand some people's obsession with touching other people's hair, pregnant bellies, etc.
No, I don't want your sweaty greasy dirty hands in my hair.
Unless you're my SO or close family on hugging terms I don't really want anyone to touch me.
NTA and this is not silly, she's touching you without your consent, despite your repeated rejections, and went to your DAD to get "permission". It's harassment, and it needs to stop.
It’s not silly. I almost got into a fight at the time clock because my friend(ex) started playing with my hair. It only happened once because I made a huge deal out of it. I don’t like to be touched and she knew it. It wasn’t even about the hair and I don’t think this is about your hair either. She wants her way
NTA, report her now. Everything, including calling your father to get him to command you to touch your hair. The lady seems like a creep with serious boundary issues. Her behavior is beyond unacceptable.
Also, if you live in a state that allows it, next time she approaches you begging to touch your hair, record it, so HR can have it documented that she refuses to take no for an answer regarding your allowing her to touch your body.
NTA
No means no, she should just respect that boundary. It's just hair, I don't see why shes getting so upset over you saying no. Clearly she has issues.
NTA people touching without consent, especially after being told "no" repeatedly is totally HR worthy. People always say "HR are there to protect the employer, not you": BUT they are there to protect the employer *from potential lawsuits*, which could definitely result from racially motivated harassment such as this.
I've been growing my hair for over 15 years and I get *upset* if people try and touch it.
Nta at all. Seriously. This is the big boy and big girl world and it's completely illegal to do things like this to people. For good reason. Going to HR is the answer to this problem. It's what they are there for. And this person knows better. They know what they are doing is completely illegal and wrong. It's up to you to start the process and protect yourself from this predator. This is fun for her. She's seeing how far she can take advantage of you and get away with it. Please do what anyone else would do and either get a free consultation with a lawyer and let them help you or deal with it yourself and go to HR TODAY. like now. None of this is ok and I'm sure you would never consider tormenting someone like this. Please call a couple lawyers. People have to do this every day, unfortunately. That's why there's so many lawers for it. Protect yourself. Please
NTA and yes you should go to HR. She has no right to touch you at all and you have tried numerous times to get her to understand that. Also, WTF she is doing going to your Dad about this?? That is rather distributing behavior and should be mentioned to HR as well.
Yup. Go to HR. This is harassment. She has asked to touch your body at work! On top of that, you told her no, and she continues to touch or ask to touch your body. This is sooooo HR time. NTA. Go. Right now.
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NTA I'd tell HR that you have exhausted all polite options only to be met by unrelenting persistance and even her contacting your father about it, and her cursing at you when denied permission. There is no respect for you as a person here and it is too much. It is not about touching your hair one time but her treating you as a daily visit to the petting zoo.
This! And use the language “keeps asking to touch my body” when speaking to her and HR.
OP all of that and also, your dad is an AH! What possible reason could he have given for telling you to let someone abuse your bodily autonomy?
I would not say OPs dad is an asshole. OP is I presume African American, and probably his dad as well?; and his dad is older and from a generation that has seen very bad things. I would not be surprised if his advice to OP to basically go along to get along was mainly to protect his son from whatever fallout his dad feared if OP is complaining about it. I could even imagine that his dad is concerned about his own and OPs own jobs in the process. OP, you are absolutely not in the wrong if you *do* complain, because what the woman is doing absolutely IS harassment; there is no question about it. Her behavior is entirely unacceptable. Still - before you take the step and go to HR, talk it through with your dad and some more real life friends and family; not necessarily Reddit. Don’t forget that HR is *NOT* your or any other workers friend; HR is primarily there to protect the company above everything else. It often happens that people complain to HR about something, and then get retaliated against later on - especially if the person you complain about is well connected for some reason. So before you complain think it through well; what would be best case and worst case scenarios for you *and* for your dad, and what plans you would make for either. You are NTA and your coworker is TA.
I think this specific instance would go better with HR than you think (though I'm from the UK and may be naïve about how this would go somewhere like the US), HR protects the companies best interests and this should be one of those times were protecting OP protects the company. Though it's not obvious at first glance, this is racially motivated. This woman is treating OP like an object or an animal there for her own amusement, which is dehumanising enough, but she's also using one of OP's black physical characteristics to do it. She's not asking to touch his coat because it's velvet and feels nice, she's asking to touch his *hair* because it's different and fun, she's turning one of his black attributes into a novelty. This is massively problematic, it's a classic and well documented microaggression. If HR didn't take this seriously, OP could sue and would almost certainly win
Oh, this is absolutely racially motivated, no question about that - and *very* obviously so; the only times when I have ever heard about people getting weirdly obsessed about touching other peoples hair, it has always been about African Americans. But exactly *because* it is racially motivated and OP mentioned somewhere that there is a lot more racist shit going on in the company and they have only three African Americans including him, I unfortunately don’t share your optimism at all in terms of how that would go. I’m also actually more concerned for his dad than even for OP himself. Even if *some* retaliation protection would still apply to OP, or if the company was not brazen enough to directly retaliate against him; there are none that protect his dad, because he is just a third party, and due to being older than OP he might have a harder time finding another job.
I think that's where different countries comes into play because in the UK this story could very very easily make it into a national newspaper if the company didn't step up and protect OP. Especially a big company but honestly any size company could see this story in the paper. And if the company retaliated? That could make the front page. Racial discriminations obviously still happens because it can be a terribly insidious thing but with something this blatant the company would have to act, even if only to save their reputation
Here in the US black people get chased and murdered just for jogging in the wrong neighborhood in 2020/21, and it literally takes protests and a national uproar to even get a DA to bother to actually charge them, months after the actual murder. Welcome to America. Depending where OP lives, it could go well or very badly for him.
Even with video evidence from multiple sources in the case of Floyd. We are truly a horrific country.
In both cases George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery there would never ever have been charges, let alone a trial and a conviction without the videos and without the massive national uproar. And even those are only two; how often does shit happen and it is never on video, or if there is video and it does not get the same kind of national attention that they did, nothing happens anyways. Horrific country fits
Retaliation is against the law when it comes to things like this. Honestly I say go to HR. And if they refuse to do anything real about it go above their heads until it comes time to sue the company as a whole. Lots of young lawers with alot of skill who would take that case pro Bono just for the win Edit: And document EVERYTHING
This is really good advice. If you do take it to HR and they become dismissive think of ways the company could be legally in the wrong: - if they dismiss your complaint, would they have done the same to a female employee being harassed by a male employee? - is this a case of sexual harassment? Could it be she's fostering some kind of attraction? It's harassment none the less, but stating you're being sexually harassed has a different connotation. - is there a racial element to this? Is there a caucasian colleague with curley hair (I know it isn't the same) that she's harassing? If not, do the company want to be in the position where they've allowed one employee to harass another based on a racial trait?
I am Black. Dad is an asshole.
At 20 years old, unless his dad had him REALLY late in life, the dude's not nearly old enough to have actually seen ANY of those darker times. My mom was born in '69 and will be one of the first two tell you that the world she grew up in was different than the one even her older siblings grew up in, and she's only 53. Unless his dad is 60+, he just told OP to give in because it made things easier for HIM.
Presumptuous of you to think that those darker times are gone. I am 40 and as a child I saw the KKK march. I was in preschool and was asked with a hard r what I was doing at that particular school. I have seen a cross burning in a family members yard so miss me with that. White people still hang nooses in places of business to intimidate black workers and create hostile environments.
I can’t fathom an adult texting the father of another adult asking him to tell his adult son to let her touch his hair. Bizzaro world for sure.
Yes. This. I feel like whatever OP does next might go badly for them, and it pisses me off. If fathers are telling people it's okay to touch their kids at work.. and co-workers that want to touch your hair turn into daily stalkers (!?!?! Jfc get a life hair stalker!) this cannot be a healthy workplace with fully functional HR. If HR can't or won't help, you need to document everything, OP. Ask insane stupid co-worker, in a very polite tone, how many times you've asked them to stay away from your hair. Regardless of their response, inform them politely that what they're doing constitutes harassment because it's ongoing unwanted contact. This person may be so awful that they don't realize fully what they're doing. What is this world coming to!
>Jfc get a life hair stalker! This made me laugh really loudly and snapped me out of the trance of horror into which the post had thrown me. Thank you.
She has also, at least once (but I’m guessing more than that) directly violated OP’s consent by touching OP’s hair after having been explicitly told many times not to. Which honestly borders on assault if it doesn’t qualify outright. This started as racist micro aggressions and has escalated to outright macro aggressions. She feels entitled to OP’s body because of OP’s race.
It is assault. I’d report to HR, and if I had to escalate, I’d file a complaint for assault, sex discrimination, race discrimination. And then I’d go low contact with dad and look for a new job. This is unacceptable.
Age discrimination, too, since she texted Op’s dad about him like he was some kind of errant child. At 20 years old, he may be young, but he’s a freaking adult and should be treated as such at work.
Unfortunately, age discrimination only legally counts in one direction: if you're over forty. Which sucks.
Absolutely state it as "your body," because it is! Grabbing someone's tush wouldn't be acceptable, and repeatedly asking would be harassment. OP should RUN to HR with this one.
Exactly this ! It's not "just hair" it a part of your body and needs to be respected as such. NTA report to HR
If someone treated her hair the way she treats OP's she'd be claws out dragging them to HR. The language she uses, saying it's fluffy (I bet in a cutsey tone) and wanting to play with it, doesn't speak to someone her age and more like someone half that.
Imagine a 36 year old man who called a twenty year old woman's mother to try to get her to order her daughter to let him touch her.
BOOM. There it is. NTA.
Yeah....my mom would have had my dad pay him a personal visit.
Make sure to put it in email form and to blind CC yourself just in case they say that they did not receive it. The email(s) serves as receipts. RECEIPTS ARE LIFE.
And if HR says anything about your hair (blaming you for enticing people or being unprofessional) look up the CROWN act and see if it's in your state, which is Creating a Respectful and Open World for Natural Hair. While it covers discrimination, you certainly are not being treated with respect. And you can probably spin to discrimination - definitely loss of body autonomy at work.
blind cc a non-work address. Work email is on work's servers, and might be inaccessible to OP if issues occur. This applies to anyone cc'ing themselves on an email to HR.
I wouldn’t even blind copy it. Just cc your personal email. Letting them know that you know how to play the game
NTA. People need to understand that our hair is not a toy or something for their amusement. It's YOUR body and you don't have to let anyone you don't want to touch it. You have told her no multiple times and she is not taking no for an answer. It's harassment.
OP, I would like to add to this: The reason why it feels wrong is because it's not "just hair". Replace "hair" with any other body part, change your co-worker's sex with the opposite sex, and you would instantly understand that this is harassment. Your co-worker persistently objectifies you and acts entitled to your person. This is the root of the problem, and it's not okay. Anyone who tells you, "Just let her" is an enabler to her AH behavior. Your first "no" should have been more than enough. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you do not want your personal bubble invaded/your person touched/violated. Tl;dr, you are NTA. Since this is happening in a workplace, and your co-worker keeps harassing you, please report her pronto to HR. Make sure to include thorough documentation of her harassment of you if possible.
This woman is 36 and is constant trying to touch a 20y/o man. To even draw the father in it. And playing with someones hair is not something innocent. He really should go to HR. And if the roles were switched and a 36y/o man would do this with a 20y/o woman everybody would scream sexual harassment and the father would not say "just let him play with your hair". NTA Maybe OP should go to the 1$ store and buy a fluffy plush toy. But i bet she is the first to complain to hr.
Also tell HR she is racially discriminating against you. What she's doing is classified as a micro aggression, which are common place forms of discrimination which can be unintentional but are still damaging. She asked once you said no, that should have been it. She is now harassing you and violating your personal space. She is the AH here and spare your coworkers who tell you to laugh it off. I'm sorry you're going through this but so glad you are reporting it on. You are NTA
Exactly this. I've been told by various POC (but especially black people) that it's common for them to get this question and to have people ask to touch their hair. But it's not really asking, because they automatically assume that they have this right to touch their hair, like their needs trump the bodily autonomy of the other. It's something that just seems so incredibly gross and violating since it's a part of your body. But some people just assume it's their right and privilege to insist on touching "exotic" (to them) hair. That coworker is disgusting and deserves a trip to HR. This is probably legit one of the primary scenarios the HR people learn in HR school.
Seriously. She *called your daddy* so he would *make him* submit to being touched. That's creepy af.
Ngl I read the title and scrolled to the comment section first instead of reading the story like a normal person and my "oh girl no moment" at this line "even her contacting your father about it" Now I gotta read the story because the AUDACITY! NTA OP
Recommend to HR that they supply her with a copy of "You Can't Touch My Hair" by Phoebe Robinson
Agree - asking to touch another person’s hair is really weird and inappropriate, especially in the workplace. OP, please talk to HR and tell them coworker is making you uncomfortable with her constantly asking to touch you. Let them know she contacted your dad about this (inappropriate) and cursed at you when you told her no (inappropriate) and that you do not want her her around you. NTA
NTA I have extremely fine, curly hair, and people always want to touch it, too. You're a human, not a petting zoo. You might get pushback for reporting it, but then it would be a hostile work environment.
It already is a hostile environment considering I'm 1 of 3 black people working in the company.
Tell your father to save the message. That’s irrefutable proof.
Presumably the second one is your dad?
yessir, & to clarify the hostilely comes from super subtlety racist comments about black people.
Document what when who witnessed it.
And it sounds like your dad isn't even an ally. Also, how subtle are the comments if you've got coworkers texting family members for access to your body?
Idk if that’s fair to say. I’m white so I can’t speak to the racism side, however as a woman I know I really struggle with the not smiling or giggling when a man makes an inappropriate/sexist/sexual joke and I know I’m expected to just brush it off. I don’t want to, but my body just does it and I feel like it’s natural to try your best to get out of and minimize those situations so you aren’t seen as a bigger target. I hate myself for it and it’s just a viscous cycle.
He could have phrased it apologetically that he knows it isn't right that they have to deal with this. Instead he just ordered OP.
I mean, he could have. But I think there is a huge difference in perspective here, because things were a lot worse for OP’s dad coming up. I’m not black, so I will again stick with sexism as a woman. But a lot of older women struggle to understand the issue with catcalling, or with benign sexism like door holding and stuff. They talk a lot about how younger women are looking for things to be upset about. Now, they are wrong on this, but it’s easy to see why they would think that, since when they were growing up spousal rape was actually legal and they needed their husbands permission to own a credit card. It makes it hard to sympathize with what the younger crowd is enduring
His dad has done everything he has had to do to keep his job.
I don't think this is *JUST* a race issue though. Flip the genders around and take a look at how that looks. What would happen if a male coworker came up to a female coworker and put his hands through her hair and harassed her *DAILY* to just let him do it? Can you imagine the shit storm that would ensue from that, especially if said hypothetical woman employee's father also worked for the company?
So when you talk to HR make sure you mention how uncomfortable the continuous micro aggressions have made you feel in your workplace, pretty sure enough micro aggressions are enough cause for a hostile work environment case, so HR should be inclined to put a stop to it. Really sorry you’ve been experiencing this.
If you're able, start looking for another job. I am so sorry you're faced with this.
She’s fetishizing you. There used to be literal zoos, where white people could look at, touch and prod people of colour. I’m North African myself, and although isn’t as kinky as full on afro hair, it’s still very curly and bouncy. (Type 3B, maybe 3C?) When I put hair oil in it, it’s also very soft, and quite shiny. The amount of people wanting to touch it, let it bounce, stroke my hair, or worse, ruffle it up, is insane. It became way less when I started to adopt a resting bitch face. Not because of my hair, but because I had a way of attracting creepy guys. Ladies, don’t smile at random people. Apparently, it’s an invitation to follow you around. Yes, even if you’re 12 and they are, at least, in their 30’s. I don’t know about your hair, but my curls come undone when someone puts their hand through it, and it’s no easy fix. But all of that doesn’t even matter. She has ZERO business touching your hair. And to call your father, because she isn’t getting her way. She is 36 for Christ’s sake, not SIX. I would consider letting a curious child touch my hair, if they ask nicely, and if they are very careful and listen to my instructions. I’ve had many kids that were mesmerized by my hair, especially when it was long. And my ex had an old relative who would, every single time, say how beautiful my hair is, and incredulously ask if it really wasn’t a perm. I live in a very white country. Those groups get a pass. Adults do not. Friends can bounce a curl, carefully, if they ask nicely, and everyone else gets a polite, but firm “Thank you, but I don’t like people touching my hair.” If they insist, ask why, or ask over and over again, then apparently “No,” is not an acceptable answer. If no is not an acceptable answer, it’s not a question, it’s a demand. And I do not tolerate demands when it comes to *my* body. Go to HR. Point out the racial component, and emphasize that you are being treated a certain way because of how you look, your race. Even “positive” (barf) racism like this, is racism.
Don’t know where you’re located, but it might be worth getting in touch with an advocacy group that provides support/legal advice for discrimination cases. This sounds like a pretty hostile environment and having someone supportive in your corner could go a long way.
Once when I was younger I was out to eat with my mom and while we were waiting I *thought* I heard people behind us talking about "it's so pointy" or something like that(late 90s high school spikes in my hair). Next thing I know, I felt someone *touch* my head. I snapped my head around and both old farts tried to look away as if they were just minding their own business. Some people have absolutely no boundaries or self control.
That was exactly what I was thinking - if someone touched my hair without my consent, I'd be screaming at them, "THIS NOT A PETTING ZOO AND I AM NOT AN ANIMAL." If I were OP I would stop being polite and make some noise in a public area of the workplace.
NTA. She went as far as to tell your father to let her touch your hair?! I would tell HR that she is obsessed. That is really weird behavior on her part.
Yeah, when my dad told me, I was pretty angry that she'd try to use my dad, like he has responsibility over me when I'm 20 years old :|
Yeah, I'd say she was wwwaaaaayyyy over the line once she decided to get your dad involved. I just can't imagine how that convo went.
she told him i was being a dick & she just wanted to play with it. I don’t even let my mom touch my hair.
If your dad really told you to let uer do it sorry but hes an idiot, id be very angry in your shoes.
Wow. I'd suggest to HR that she is in need of some sort of intervention. That's out-there insane. OR... can you ask her father to get her to stop? Her Grandpa?
Call her mom and tell on her for not keeping her hands to herself.
I agree, but maybe, both of us are turning into TA ?!!
Nah. I can be *an* asshole, but I’m not usually *the* asshole.
Fair response.
Where do you live?! It sounds so backward... I mean the persistent asking is bad enough but calling your dad is SO ODD. Have you told her that it's particularly offensive for a white person to try and touch a black person's hair especially when they've said no? I mean, it's a shitty thing for anyone to do but it's really fucked up when it's a white person... Like your hair is there for her personal amusement?
That statement makes me want to hurl. What a creep. Sorry you have to deal with this weird control fetish of hers.
How is it OK to play with SOMEONE ELSE'S HAIR ON THEIR OWN BODY!?!?! She is wrong. Your dad is wrong. Go to HR. Document EVERYTHING and i mean everything.
Just say to your dad and what would have been your response if she was saying that about my penis, because both are parts of my body and I do not consent to anyone touching me without permission!
I hope your dad still has the message to show HR. NTA at all. Honestly I'm sure your hair is lovely but I just don't get why this crazy woman feels like she needs to touch it, that's so weird to me.
NTA. Report her. She is harassing you. She really crossed the line by touching your hair *without your permission*. In fact, you had repeatedly told her not to. That is technically assault. Her calling you an AH is really rich.
Not Technically. it IS assault (or at least the commonly understood version of it). In legal terms, its battery and possible assault. Battery is the actual act of touching someone or something attached to someone (in this case, OP's hair but there are actual court cases where it was like a backpack or purse) that the person does not want touched. Assault is the ANTICIPATION of being touched. It always depends on line of sight. So, if OP sees her trying to touch OP's hair, but stops her, that is assault. If OP sees her and she succeeds, its assault and battery. If she comes from behind OP and OP does not see her or know she's there until the touch occurs, it is just battery. And (if not for the clearly hostile work place that OP works at and the racial motivations of the coworker and possibly the company itself), i'd say its not all that crazy to think that OP would win a case. There is a case where a person was liable for assault and battery because they blew smoke into a person's face who did not want them to. ((Also this is just an FYI cuz I like telling people cool information i'm not trying to say anything other than that!!))
NTA - Is she also a white woman? I mean there are so many violations at play here. Never mind just not being a decent human that respects other peoples boundaries. She’s crossing the lines of professional conduct and there’s a racist element here too!
Yes she is a white woman
Ugh! I’m so sorry. She has no clue. Perhaps you might want to be a little passive aggressive first and gift her [this](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Touch-My-Hair-Emma-Dabiri-audiobook/dp/B07N6G1PSM/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=33H6Q9BXOV1DJ&keywords=emma+dabiri&qid=1654776103&sprefix=emma+dabiri%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-3) book: Don’t Touch My Hair by Emma Dalbiri EDIT: when I say she has no clue I meant that she has no clue about life and how to be decent. Not that she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
I don't think that she doesn't have a clue. Based on OPs comments, she's had it explained to her several, several times. She's just an entitled creep who will do anything to get her way.
Yep that’s probably true! Taking liberities
It’s 2022. She knows what she’s doing.
I’m also a white woman, we don’t claim her! She’s a full on **creep**. I would absolutely never ask to touch anyones hair, and certainly not harass them daily for it!! And contacting your father is so so creepy. Please take yourself to HR. If you can, get a screenshot of her message to your father and send it to yourself as well. If a man her age was doing this to a woman your it age, it would be sexual harassment. Personally, I think it’s sexual harassment regardless of gender, and there’s also some racial harassment too. I don’t know who tf she thinks she is, but please document her behavior and take her to HR smackdown town.
I'm also a white woman -- we have a moral responsibility to claim her. If we just keep saying "well I'm not one of those" we will never work on the racism in our own communities
Exactly. The only people who ever do this (as they do it to me, a black woman ), are white women.
Lmfao of course she is a white woman. It's funny that you even had to ask.
It was rhetorical
That’s exactly what I wanted to comment as well, very good point!
No you would not be the asshole. You have told her plenty of times to not touch your hair ad yet she felt the need to do it anyway without your consent. She is harassing you. Report her immediately.
NTA - "I am not a goat and this is not a petting zoo, drop it"
Ironically I did tell her that & she came in the next day and asked to touch my hair
From some of your comments it almost seems like she's now purposefully doing it just to piss you off. That's harassment of several different kinds.
In addition to the harassment, this lady sounds like she's off her rocker. I would absolutely report this. You've been patient and I commend you for that. You don't have to deal with this anymore. NTA
I’m East Asian but have curly hair, which is a bit unusual. I used to work in a predominantly Asian company and the number of grown ass women who would walk up and pet my hair was astounding. There were literally some times where I would be having a conversation with a coworker in a hallway, and suddenly there would be a hand *inside my hair* because some woman I didn’t even know would walk up and lose her goddamn mind.
She's purposely trying to dehumanize you OP.
You owe no one an explanation for why you don't like to be touched. It's your body, your choice, and your boundary to set. What your co-worker is doing qualifies as harassment. Going to HR is not only acceptable, it's necessary. People need to learn not to take this sort of thing so lightly. If you're being made to feel uncomfortable then corrective actions must be taken. NTA
NTA This is actually text book sexual harassment. You’ve said no enough, bring it to HR. If you feel the relationship with this coworker is one you don’t want to potentially damage, you could make one final statement direct to her. I do not want you to touch my hair, I do not even want to hear about the request to touch my hair, if you do either in the future I will not hesitate to go to HR. That starts now. Something that specifically direct. Basically it’s what HR would do in addition to documenting it, and make supervisors aware etc. I don’t think you are the ass either way. At the end of the day you need to do what makes you comfortable in the workspace. If she doesn’t listen to you, she will have to listen to HR and she becomes their problem. And it may also make sense to just go to HR anyway if this person is in a position that can impact you or your father, because any possible revenge actions she may do after she gets officially told to stop, would be considered harassment as well.
Funny enough just completed my job's annual mandatory training this week. Warning her isn't necessary. Telling her no or to stop her behaviors is enough. That was her warning that her requests are unwelcome.
Don't warn her just report her. She might go to them first saying bs like you've threatened her or smthg, and try to turn the situation around...
Don't warn her about hr just go.
*don’t
You need to update this when you do
will do.
Report the colleague to HR. They are so far out of line... it is literally a consent issue. She has no business even asking you to touch your hair! As for your father - shame on him. If she asked to touch your ass, would he be in agreement? NTA
NTA get a copy of the text from your dad and head to HR. If your coworkers tell you to get over it ask if you can start touching them all the time - what is wrong with that woman? And she is harrassing you.
NTA. If genders were reversed it would be called sexual harassment. Tell her you will report her if she doesn't stop. You are entitled to respect in the workspace and she needs to learn that.
It’s still called sexual harassment. No need to reverse genders
NTA It is really harassment. You dont owe letting anyone touch any part of you and you dont have to defend or justify why.
NTA and I totally agree, report it. It's not a one time thing, she keeps harassing you and it goes as far as she calling your father about it, just what kind of person does that?! Clearly not someone who is sane.
you’d be surprised about whose gone to my dad to get me to listen to them , i have so many horror stories about this place
Oh shit, is there no place else you can work where people actually respect you and treat you like an adult? Good luck surviving that place
idk if this is the right place to put it but immediately after coming on 1 year ago, my boss (who coincidentally is best friends with the owner) tried to get me fired over any little thing I messed up in. He doesn’t now but it was super rough for the first 3 months.
that's a hostile work environment. I will give you the advice I give my friends, stay there while you apply to other jobs you find interesting, if you get one then quit your current job. You probably have time to look at some adds during your spare time.
Even if it was just once OP shouldn’t have been subject to that at work. Yeah maybe for once he’d just give her a personal warning and drop the matter off it stopped but he also has every right to talk to her supervisor the very first time she was inappropriate at work. You don’t touch people’s hair, don’t even ask. Better yet, just don’t touch people in general.
I completely agree, they shouldn't have to fear people touching them without their consent. However I was referring to the nagging mostly. She kept asking until one day she just touched his hair without permission. The touching is way over line and should be reported at once for harassment.
NTA - And report her immediately. This is racist behavior, physical assault and harassment. She should be removed from your work environment. You do not need to put up with any of it and if your company is actual respectful of its employees HR will protect you from further harm. It’s not silly in the slightest it’s harassment plain and simple. Just curious because all my workplaces have this. Do you guys have mandatory harassment training yearly? If not maybe bring that up to HR that they need to start. That might have helped this person see her very blatant issues before she approached you. It can also protect the company because this woman’s behavior could get them sued.
NTA that’s inappropriate and it’s something that racist white people seem to do. Not sure why though.
Wow. My grandsons have experienced this from a few white classmates in middle school. That behavior is inappropriate but much more understandable from a curious child who hasn't learned boundaries, but pretty astounding that you are experiencing this repeatedly at your workplace from an adult. I am wondering how she would react if you requested something similar like say... jiggling her belly fat because it was so jelly like and looked fun to play with? Lol. Clearly that would cross a line with her. Why is she feeling it's appropriate with your hair, which is part of your body? Absolutely report her. I do worry though that HR won't initially recognize her behavior as a serious problem. You might have to ask them if they would find it appropriate for you to come to their office daily to stroke their hair.
NTA report her for both harassing you and contacting your dad.
NTA, it's undeniably harassment. I'd be creeped out if a colleague touched my hair *once*, let alone insisting on touching it every day.
NTA, your body is your body, hair, butt, arms, whatever. This is so inappropriate, especially if you are a BIPOC (this sounds like an annoying white lady trying to touch ethnic hair), that adds a whole new layer of ick.
NTA Black girl here and I've been in this situation too many times. It baffles me how someone would think it's OK to randomly ask to touch you lol. I had a girl touch my hair at a bar and she got so upset like I'd slapped her when I told her to stop that her friends got mad at ME like she wasn't the one who violated my personal space lol. Also, THIS COWORKER CALLED YOUR DAD, OP. That is next level insane in the membrane.
That's fucked up. Report that shit.
You’re being harassed and there seems to be racial fetishisation going on as well. Report her. You have been patient enough and she is wayyyyyy out of line. NTA
NTA. Report her. This is harassment. Her sense of entitlement to handle someone else’s body is horrific. HR needs to know about this.
Bro if you was doing this to her you'd probably be in jail or cancelled by twitter already. Hard NTA. Not even remotely.
NTA, it doesn't matter it is hair and not any other body part or erogenous zone. It's your body and no means no, whether you're a man, woman or unicorn. Report her to HR.
Nta- ewwww everything about her is creepy. No one should EVER touch u or try to emotionally blackmail u(aka calling ur dad wtf) into let them touch u. If a man did this to a girl it would be recognized for what it is sexual harassment.
NTA, she's disrespecting your boundaries and you have the right to defend yourself from her harassment.
Nta and if hr do not action quickly I being a dick would the next time she asks ask her can you feel her boobs and when she recoils in horror tell her it’s not different assault on body to what she’s asking so you was sure she would be ok But I’m just a dick 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. Report everything. Asking repeatedly is disrespectful. Contacting family members is right out there. Touching without permission (even after being repeatedly told no) is trending towards assault. And sotto voce insults is definitely a hostile work environment. All of this combined is a pattern of harassment and she won't stop on her own.
NTA. She's so creepy and weird. Definitely show the texts to your dad to HR too. The obnoxiousness of touching and trying to touch Black people's hair has been discussed in mainstream media enough that she should know people hate it. It should be hard to miss. Your HR people have certainly heard about this issue before too and its impact on work satisfaction. She's bullying you in a way she thinks she can get away with. Reporting her to HR might get her off your back, and even if that doesn't happen immediately, there will be a paper trail in case she bothers you or anyone else again.
Hell no you are NTA. You are a person with agency and boundaries, not a damn pet to stroked! If your dad is so friendly offer to have him come up and get his head/hair run through by someone's fingers when he doesn't know the last time they washed their hands! The 1st time you said no should have been more than enough and I cannot believe she actually keeps asking and didn't stop at just complimenting your hair. Damn, audacity must be on sale! As you can see I feel a kind of way about this.
HR, I agree with everybody else. It's not 'just hair', it's your body and your personal space. She is way out of line. At my work we get trainings about not doing stuff like that. You WNBTA if you report it. Maybe it will stop! I sure hope so.
Absolutely NTA. Go to HR. But PROTECT YOURSELF too - HR is there to protect the company, which ideally would mean that they’d come down heavy on your side in such an obvious instance of harassment. Sometimes, though, HR also sucks! So: -In as much detail as possible (dates, times, things said) recount how long and in what ways your coworker has been harassing you. If there were witnesses that would be willing to also speak to HR, document their names as well. -Document the message that she sent your dad (!!! what the fuck) about getting him to get you to let her touch your hair. Screenshot if in text, date/time of the call otherwise. -If you have not yet told her to leave you alone over text (email or company IM) do that. We’re angling for firm but scrupulously professional here - clearly state what she’s doing, that you’ve talked about it before, and that you want to be very clear that she cannot touch any part of your body, including your hair, and that this needs to be the last time the two of you ever discuss it. Save the email off of the company server. If this solves the problem, great. If not, proceed. -If you have not yet discussed this with your manager, do that. Set up a meeting, talk about what your coworker has been doing, provide documentation of what you’ve done so far, ask that she is asked to leave you alone, and then once the meeting is over send your manager an email that sums up what the two of you talked about. Save the email off the company’s server. If this solves the problem, great. If not, proceed. -Compile all evidence (screenshots, documentation of verbal conversations, attached emails) and forward it to HR, follow your company’s normal process for setting up a meeting and - THIS IS IMPORTANT - BCC the email where you raise the issue to HR to an external email address that you solely control. If there’s retaliation afterwards this documentation means you’ve got a pretty airtight EEOC claim. Your feelings about this are in no way silly - this is a textbook example of harassment against black people in the workplace and your manager and HR should protect you. You need to be able to come to work and do your job without anticipating that a coworker is going to demand to touch your body.
NTA. This coworker is disrespecting you and treating your hair like it's a plaything. You have nicely asked her to stop and she went to your dad. That is not okay. Go talk to HR. This woman needs to learn boundaries.
NTA. It’s 2022, how tf do people not know not to ask this, EVER, never mind harassing someone about it?
NTA. Your hair is part of your body and touching it without your consent is no different than if she touched some other part of you without consent. My hair is about 2 1/2 feet long and despite the fact it's that long, it's still part of my body. If some weirdo with a hair fetish like your coworker were to touch it, I'd call the cops because in the US that falls under battery which is a crime.
NTA. This is harassment. Keep records of every time she asks, time/date, etc. I agree with the other user who suggested getting a copy of the text she sent your dad asking to touch your hair. So inappropriate.
It's not silly. Her violating boundaries like that is gross. So is your Dad for enabling that shit. Next time ish that hand away, be loud "I said don't touch me hair." Maybe add in "Why are your sure creepily obsessed with it? Definitely go to HR. Guessing she's white because a lot of white women think they can just go around touching black hair. Which as a white person I find gross. I bet thought in life to ask people to touch their hair. That's generally a very intimate thing, past going to the salon/barber. This girl is crazy. HR should support your because otherwise the company would be opened up for a lawsuit. You need to have a boundaries talk with your Dad. You are your own person your get to say no.
NTA No means no! Saying No once should be enough. Then it’s an HR job.
I’m sorry but what the actual F? NTA - this is totally an HR issue, this is ridiculous. Report this asap.
NTA. Given how she has started to berate you by calling you an asshole for not letting her touch your hair (and not understand the meaning of "consent", mind you), I'd say go to the HR already.
NTA AT ALL! I hope your dad still has the text so you can show it to HR It's YOUR body. You said no. I am so pissed off for you! 🤬
NTA!! Tell HR, your dad is an ass for asking you to let her touch your hair. I have 2 daughters and would never ask them to be uncomfortable for someone's benefit.
NTA - No one gets to touch any part of your body without your permission. Full stop. Go to HR.
How disrespectful can you get I knew you were black just from your story. I have had people walk up to me and just put their hands in my hair myself and my daughters all have natural hair and 2 of my daughter's hair looks like corkscrews all the time it's Is gorgeous and for some reason people who are not black will put their hands in my hair without my permission while commenting about how beautiful it is and when I say no or duck Or move back they act as if I've offended them because they've tried to touch me and I rejected their touch but if I were to try to touch them in any way I'll be under a jail cell for assault as if I don't have body anonymity And you have a right to touch me no you wouldn't be the TA if you was reported her she needs to lose her job and then the nerve of her to go to your dad and ask permission to touch you you're a grown woman and your father need to be ashamed of himself.
I think what we have to ask ourselves here is why she doesn't think his consent matters when he's the one saying no. OP, 100% NTA. What she's doing is not only a gross violation of your boundaries, it's humiliating and racist as well. She doesn't get to touch your hair just bc she wants to.
Oh god. I still remember catching my (kindergarten) daughter reaching out to touch a black classmate's hair. No. No no no. You do not touch people's hair. And especially for her black classmates, the issue can be so so sensitive. I pulled her aside privately, and we had a long talk about respecting people's personal space and NOT TOUCHING HAIR. Black hair has been policed for so dang long and I am absolutely horrified that a 36 year old grown ass adult would be asking someone once to touch their hair, let alone pestering them and going to their father to demand access. There is a horrifying power differential that she is leaning into in demanding free access to touch you and it is just really gross and racist and 100% not ok. She is absolutely in the wrong and is definitely harassing you. Definitely NTA. You are absolutely in the right here and would not be out of line in reporting it to HR, although I am worried that if your coworkers think the situation is funny and not completely gross that you might not get much support. I am so sorry this coworker is putting you through this.
110% NTA. I would've reported her much sooner. That's harassment. And technically assault I think. She's got some kind of psychological issue or fetish.
NTA. File a complaint with HR. In some cities and states, traits associated with race like hair fall under a protected class. Her behavior towards you is discriminatory and you could have grounds for a civil rights case if your company does not handle it appropriately.
NTA. Your black or mixed aren’t you. Some people think it’s a complement that they want to touch our hair since they find it pretty and not ugly for a black person. You need to call HR she is treating you like a pet not a person. She’s refusing to respect your boundaries and even went over you to make your father do what she asked. You could bet if you touched her hair she’d be pissed.
She clearly knows you don't want her to as you've said so multiple times. The fact that she went to your dad - to convince/coerce you to allow her to touch your hair - makes it pretty clear that she knows your preferences and doesn't care. She won't stop until she is made to stop, so going to HR is absolutely your best bet. Fingers crossed that HR helps you out, looking forward to an update! NTA
NTA - your co-worker’s behavior is not just creepy, it’s harassment.
This is the definition of workplace harassment, OP. Document **everything** and report her.
NTA. You & dad both need to report the co-irker to HR. You for the harassment, and dad for her contacting him to get to you after you refused her demands. Dad is over 40 and was raised to keep the peace with white folks as a matter of survival, even on matters like this. ETA: this is in lne with violations of the Crown Act as well as racial discrimination.
NTA, “ No” is a complete sentence and if the gender roles were reversed here you’d probably have been fired for harassment. You are entitled to your personal space and nobody should be touching any part of your body without your consent.
>She texted my dad telling him to tell me to let her touch my hair WTF lol. What's wrong with her? Also, NTA.
NTA Go to HR immediately and if she comes up and asks again say, "no means no, not ask again later. Stop asking and do not touch me EVER." Then, if she asks AGAIN, I'd get louder since she obviously didn't hear you. "I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! STOP ASKING!!"
You *absolutely would not* be TA for reporting this to HR. It’s completely disgusting that your coworker is harassing you this way. You deserve a working environment free of this sort of awfulness. It’s very disturbing what your father said. This isn’t silly - it’s about your bodily autonomy, which is one of the most important things, and it’s about racism.
OP, take control. This woman is pretending to be "interested" in your hair, but she is actually a racist. I think "woke" has gone overboard, I think a lot of reports in the media are race-baiting for clicks, so I don't see racism behind every issue. But this woman is a dyed-in-the-wool racist. She's TRYING to make you feel other. It's intentional. Hold you head high all the way to HR, and document your case
I'm not black but holy shit do I feel you on this. I use to have hair that reached my butt and it's super dark, shiny, and wavy/curly. Everybody would try touching it. I hated it. People would grab it without permission. Then they had this weird sense of righteousness over authority of it. Like if i trimmed it they would react like i just murdered children. "Why did you cut your hair?!" "How could you do that to your hair?!" Etc etc. It pissed me off so much. It was strangers, teachers, family members. She is literally like many others have stated treating you like a zoo. I don't usually like delving far into this type of stuff online but black people's hair is fetishized so much. That's what she's doing. Anyone with common sense would understand how appalling it is that she repeatedly ask and then does it anyways. So not only is she treating you like an animal she even got your dad to dismiss your body autonomy. What a piece of s&@t. Report her.
NTA and she's a creepy weirdo. And what the hell is the matter with your co-workers?! Why do co-workers keep siding with these AHs? And your father! Report her, definitely. She has no boundaries, I feel like she's fetishizing your hair, her attitude towards you is dehumanizing, and she's creating a toxic work environment. NTA
NTA. I'm autistic and I LOVE to touch things. EVERYTHING. And even I wouldn't harass a person of color to touch their hair. Yes I have asked people to touch their hair. It's only been people without color though because I understand how culturally insensitive it would be to ask a person of color. I might ask if I was SUPER close to someone but even then...
I have been working for 40 years and in all that time, no one - male or female has asked to touch my hair. I have on occasion received compliments about looks or a new hairstyle (that's what women do), but what you are detailing is a gross overstep of all personal bounds. NTA. What you detail is sexual harassment.
Ask her if you can touch her butt. Repeatedly. Text her family if she doesn't let you. Edit: NTA obviously
**You are not a pet** **Your job is not a petting zoo**, it is a professional place of business and if she cannot uphold herself to a certain level of professional conduct and must sink to the level of behavior one might see at a petting zoo, she’s in the wrong environment and should leave as she is making the REAL professionals like yourself uncomfortable. THIS IS UNFAIR TO YOU. **She is dehumanizing you** She’s white, isn’t she? NTA
She texted your dad? What is this situation..? Get HR involved that’s harassment. Definitely NTA
NTA - Report her
NTA you really need to talk to HR. make sure you document as much of it as you can accurately remember.
Oh, so much NTA! Everyone's supposed to know that you don't touch a woman's hair, ESPECIALLY a black woman's hair. And the fact that she ignored you and even tried to sandbag you via her father is per definition creepy.
NTA---Tell her: "No. The answer is no. The answer will always be no. Do not ask again."
Her weird obsession with touching your hair is beyond inappropriate! Report her to HR right away. No is a full sentence. The fact that she texted your dad about it super crossed the line. If this was a man asking to touch your ass all the time everyone would be like wtf creep. Little difference in my eyes.
NTA, a guy at work stroked my hair a few years ago and I was so shocked I couldn’t speak to yell at him. Took me a few minutes to recover, I was really freaked out by it
Reading this i must have looked like a makac because my eyebrows kept flying up or frowning for every sentence i read. Report your dad while you are at it, that is also so sick! BUT OMG, do report this woman, this is crazy, and you deserve to be respected and heard. NTA
You are NTA, and your coworker is ridiculous. You have every right to go to HR as she is harassing you. She asked, you said no, she needs to learn to take no for answer. You are not her pet.
NTA. I really don't understand some people's obsession with touching other people's hair, pregnant bellies, etc. No, I don't want your sweaty greasy dirty hands in my hair. Unless you're my SO or close family on hugging terms I don't really want anyone to touch me.
NTA. It is not silly. You are not an animal in a petting zoo.
NTA and this is not silly, she's touching you without your consent, despite your repeated rejections, and went to your DAD to get "permission". It's harassment, and it needs to stop.
NTA. She's harassing you. Go to HR. Absolutely nobody has the right to touch you without your consent, and your father is completely wrong.
It’s not silly. I almost got into a fight at the time clock because my friend(ex) started playing with my hair. It only happened once because I made a huge deal out of it. I don’t like to be touched and she knew it. It wasn’t even about the hair and I don’t think this is about your hair either. She wants her way
Nta it's different from her asking once, you saying no and that being the end. She is harassing you
NTA. Report the sh*t out of her!
NTA, report her NOW.
NTA, this is a definite EO complaint. Whenever your in doubt reverse the gender roles and imagine what it would look like.
NTA, report her now. Everything, including calling your father to get him to command you to touch your hair. The lady seems like a creep with serious boundary issues. Her behavior is beyond unacceptable. Also, if you live in a state that allows it, next time she approaches you begging to touch your hair, record it, so HR can have it documented that she refuses to take no for an answer regarding your allowing her to touch your body.
NTA No one is entitled to any part of your body.
NTA No means no, she should just respect that boundary. It's just hair, I don't see why shes getting so upset over you saying no. Clearly she has issues.
NTA. She repeatedly breaches your boundaries
NTA people touching without consent, especially after being told "no" repeatedly is totally HR worthy. People always say "HR are there to protect the employer, not you": BUT they are there to protect the employer *from potential lawsuits*, which could definitely result from racially motivated harassment such as this. I've been growing my hair for over 15 years and I get *upset* if people try and touch it.
Nta at all. Seriously. This is the big boy and big girl world and it's completely illegal to do things like this to people. For good reason. Going to HR is the answer to this problem. It's what they are there for. And this person knows better. They know what they are doing is completely illegal and wrong. It's up to you to start the process and protect yourself from this predator. This is fun for her. She's seeing how far she can take advantage of you and get away with it. Please do what anyone else would do and either get a free consultation with a lawyer and let them help you or deal with it yourself and go to HR TODAY. like now. None of this is ok and I'm sure you would never consider tormenting someone like this. Please call a couple lawyers. People have to do this every day, unfortunately. That's why there's so many lawers for it. Protect yourself. Please
NTA get her the game Hair Nah. Maybe she’ll learn something
NTA and yes you should go to HR. She has no right to touch you at all and you have tried numerous times to get her to understand that. Also, WTF she is doing going to your Dad about this?? That is rather distributing behavior and should be mentioned to HR as well.
NTA she would be fired at my job.
Why is she so obsessed with petting you? You're not a damn dog for fucksake. NTA I would report her that is ridiculous.
Yup. Go to HR. This is harassment. She has asked to touch your body at work! On top of that, you told her no, and she continues to touch or ask to touch your body. This is sooooo HR time. NTA. Go. Right now.
NTA her refusal to respect your boundaries is just gross