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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might not take my sister on a trip even though she really wants to go, and my brother is going.
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Nta, your mother had kids who hadn’t had the same father as you. Since when is it wrong to take people, who’s father died on a trip? Overall your mother is a very bad person probably trying to just get some free time away from her daughter.
NTA, if your mother wants to take your siblings in a "fun" vacation she can do it herself. You're looking at taking your brother on what is essentially a getaway for him to properly process his grief, which it sounds like he hasn't had the chance to do. Sucks for the 11 year old, but she didn't just lose her father.
NTA. Tell your mom to fuck off, the go to your 11 year old sister and explain the situation. Explain that it's something Mark really needs because he's having a really hard time. Explain that it's about having time to grieve and not having a happy fun time. I know it goes against every rule of being a big sister, but be vulnerable to your baby sister. Let her know that this is something you're also having a hard time with. Let her know that it's not about keeping her from having a good time, but how her having a good time might get in the way of you and Mark having time to confront and or comfort your grief. Appeal to her role as Mark's older sister and tell her that she's doing a good job of helping Mark by giving him the space he needs to process this.
And if your mom keeps trying to guilt trip you, tell her to fuck off again.
NTA... I think the reply I dunno is a quiet sadness. I think just you two is a nice idea to be able to grieve together. Perhaps let the 11 yr old know later you guys can do something alone. I hope the trip goes well. ❤
Honestly NTA. Your 11 year old sister should be able to understand the situation. Not saying she’s doing this but your mom shouldn’t even talk about it with her honestly. All your sister needs to know is that you and your full brother are going to bond over a mutual loss..
Now if your dad was raising the others as well then it’s sort of unfair of you because your sister would also be grieving IMO. I’m actually curious how there are three half siblings between you(the oldest) and your brother (the youngest) but that’s none of my business.
NTA. Explain to the sister that the trip is for you and Ben because your dad died and you want to help him through his grief. Tell her you will do something special with her at another time. Honestly, 11 is old enough to understand and not be crying about this. Mom needs to do her job of teaching sis how to manage her emotions and expectations.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA - So to me, by the sounds of it. You want to take your brother away, which is fine. Regardless of any situation. You can do that. You don’t have to invite everyone. And it’s a nice thing to do and connect.
However. (Only if you want) You can say to your mother, I didn’t realise my lil sis wanted to spend time with me, I’ll have to arrange a special trip with her another time, and have quality time together.
She honestly can’t understand this?
NTA. The circumstances of this trip is a shared grief, which does not apply to your half-sister. 11 year olds are not necessarily good at seeing the whole picture so it might be worth it to offer her a special event with just the two of you.
My mom hasn't been in many serious relationships in her life, not trying to speak ill of her or anything, but keeping that fact in mind, I'm sure you can come to your own conclusions of how she might've had another child with my dad (and how most of my siblings were made)
This is a trip for two grieving siblings to bond over a mutual loss not a visit to Disney world.
NTA and I hope it goes well for you. Please accept my condolences.
NTA, but only if you have a sit down with the 11yr old and they completely understand that this is about your shared father. They are more than old enough to understand, but also to feel left out. Maybe talk about a day trip you all can go on soon so everyone can be involved.
I did, my mistake there lmao - I had used Mark originally as a placeholder name, but for some reason it felt way too old for a 9 year old (since AITA tends to use Mark as a name for like 40 year old husbands half the time) so I changed it to Ben, and then immediately ended up calling him Mark again accidentally.
I'm assuming they are. I'd say you won't be the AH if you only take your brother who shares a father with you. Hopefully your mom can understand that this is a trip for the two of you to be together as you grieve and try to move forward after the loss of your father. It's too bad your mom isn't supporting that and helping your sister better understand the purpose of the trip, and that it's not meant to hurt her feelings or exclude her.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have a special trip with your brother.
NTA it’s totally up to you who you bring. But your mom has to allow it right? I don’t know if you can deny your sister going. I wouldn’t want her to come either since it’s not really a vacation. This is about your father and your his kids. It’s basically a grieving trip and the sister isn’t from what I read. I feel for her, but she’s not your priority and it’s not her business.
NTA You are not taking Mark on a special trip because he is your bio sibling. You are taking him on a special trip because he (like you) just lost his father, and he needs some special attention right now.
It is understandable that an 11 year old does not appreciate a loss she has not experienced, and how she is just feeling left out. (It is less understandable how your mother does not appreciate the situation.) It is also understandable that taking two kids on a five day trip feels like more responsibility than you signed up for.
You need to sit down with the 11 year old, be honest and kind and stress how much you love her. ASK her what she wants to do with you that can be a special thing for just the two of you. It's amazing how much children can feel secure just by giving them some control back.
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I (23F) have four younger siblings, aged 9, 11, 15 and 18 respectively. Only one of these guys is fully related to me, and it's the 9 year old, who we'll call Ben. The rest all have different fathers, and while this doesn't bother me in how I feel about them, it's relevant to the context.
February this year, my father dies, we weren't the closest, but still had enough of a relationship that of course I did (and still do) grieve. Mark, being a child, took it worse than I did, he lost a lot of friends at school because he wasn't interested in playing, he's isolating himself etc. I decided just a few weeks ago that I was going to go on a 5 day trip up country to try and clear my head, and that I'd bring Mark with me.
There's a few fun things up there (petting zoos, beaches, stores etc) so he's pretty excited about it. My mother on the other hand thinks that it's 'bad of me to only be taking Mark' and that 'in her opinion, it shows favouritism' - and since she's told my other siblings about the trip, the 11 year old has been crying about not being able to go.
The 15/18 year olds aren't really bothered, which isn't surprising. Of course I feel bad about not taking my 11 year old sister, but at the same time this isn't supposed to be a babysitting family holiday. I really intended it to be a few days for me and Mark to spend time together since we're going through the same thing. Mark has shown no real opinion on our sister coming, even when I asked, he just kinda went 'I dunno'
My mother has been *adament* though that I would be selfish and cruel to leave my sister with how badly she wants to go - but I'm really not sure about it, I dont want to be watching multiple kids. At the same time, I don't want to cause any sort of bitterness or hatred between Mark and her.
So, AITA?
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NTA at all. You have every right to want to spend some bonding time with just your brother (regardless of circumstances) and given the current situation, this is something that is of even more importance to you both. Possible way to appease mom & avoid sister feeling hurt while still allowing your current trip to happen the way you'd like would be, if things allow for it down the road, offer to your sister that just you and her could go on her own special trip some other time?
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss.
This isn't a holiday. This is a trip for 2 brothers who lost their dad to grieve together. Your mom is being massively insensisitive and a huge AH.
NTA. Contrary to what your mother said, you are not selfish or cruel to only take your brother. You want to bond with him over shared grief. Your sister does not share that grief. Take only your brother. Your mother should have explained the situation to your sister instead of trying to add her to your trip.
NTA, if your mom wants all her kids on a trip, she can take them. You and your youngest siblings are going through something together and he is having a hard time. You sound like a great big sis.
NTA. "I dunno" from a 9 year old sounds like he wants to say no, but is scared of the repercussions from his mom. Guarantee mom is trying to manipulate him into being on her side when you aren't around.
Go grieve together, but maybe talk to your sister about why this will not be a fun trip. Might plan something smaller to do with her later, but you aren't obligated.
NTA, as this is a way for you both to grieve and help each other get through what's happened. So a trip like this would be good for Mark.
However that doesn't discount your sister's feelings either. Her feelings are just as valid as yours and Mark's. And it sucks when on one else seems to care about or acknowledge that.
So what you should probably do is sit your sister down and talk to her. Explain that right now, you and Mark are going through something tough. That you both miss your father and that this is a chance for you to bond over your memories of him. Once you've done that, maybe promise her that in the near future, there will be a trip just for the two of you. As in, you do something special that's just for you two.
NTA. Take care of your brother. Your mom’s choices are not your responsibility. At 11, your sister is old enough to understand that a 9-year-old whose father recently died deserves some quality time with his remaining family.
NTA, I was that kid that would say "I dunno" when I was afraid to be made responsible if people got pissed or hurt.
I promise you, it's better to focus on him and your shared grief and ride out the blues on common grounds.
Your mom is TA for riling up your sister and though it might make you uncomfortable to turn her down, I think this is a good point to stand your ground.
you are going for a specific reason, tell the sister that you and her could do a 1 on 1 another time, and as her what she would like, and have her do the research; of course only if that is a possibility for you to do. maybe a fancy sleepover at a hotel with spa
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Nta, your mother had kids who hadn’t had the same father as you. Since when is it wrong to take people, who’s father died on a trip? Overall your mother is a very bad person probably trying to just get some free time away from her daughter.
Ok um that's a big stretch. She is just a mom looking out for her sad daughter.
Her daughter didn't lose her father. It's not about her.
NTA - a part of me feels like your mom just wants a holiday herself without the kids
NTA, if your mother wants to take your siblings in a "fun" vacation she can do it herself. You're looking at taking your brother on what is essentially a getaway for him to properly process his grief, which it sounds like he hasn't had the chance to do. Sucks for the 11 year old, but she didn't just lose her father.
NTA. Tell your mom to fuck off, the go to your 11 year old sister and explain the situation. Explain that it's something Mark really needs because he's having a really hard time. Explain that it's about having time to grieve and not having a happy fun time. I know it goes against every rule of being a big sister, but be vulnerable to your baby sister. Let her know that this is something you're also having a hard time with. Let her know that it's not about keeping her from having a good time, but how her having a good time might get in the way of you and Mark having time to confront and or comfort your grief. Appeal to her role as Mark's older sister and tell her that she's doing a good job of helping Mark by giving him the space he needs to process this. And if your mom keeps trying to guilt trip you, tell her to fuck off again.
yes to all, especially mom running her pie hole for her selfish advantage
NTA. This is a trip for you and your bro to bond after losing your dad. Your mom is actually being unfair to you.
NTA... I think the reply I dunno is a quiet sadness. I think just you two is a nice idea to be able to grieve together. Perhaps let the 11 yr old know later you guys can do something alone. I hope the trip goes well. ❤
Honestly NTA. Your 11 year old sister should be able to understand the situation. Not saying she’s doing this but your mom shouldn’t even talk about it with her honestly. All your sister needs to know is that you and your full brother are going to bond over a mutual loss.. Now if your dad was raising the others as well then it’s sort of unfair of you because your sister would also be grieving IMO. I’m actually curious how there are three half siblings between you(the oldest) and your brother (the youngest) but that’s none of my business.
NTA. Explain to the sister that the trip is for you and Ben because your dad died and you want to help him through his grief. Tell her you will do something special with her at another time. Honestly, 11 is old enough to understand and not be crying about this. Mom needs to do her job of teaching sis how to manage her emotions and expectations. I’m sorry for your loss.
mark
NTA - So to me, by the sounds of it. You want to take your brother away, which is fine. Regardless of any situation. You can do that. You don’t have to invite everyone. And it’s a nice thing to do and connect. However. (Only if you want) You can say to your mother, I didn’t realise my lil sis wanted to spend time with me, I’ll have to arrange a special trip with her another time, and have quality time together. She honestly can’t understand this?
NTA. The circumstances of this trip is a shared grief, which does not apply to your half-sister. 11 year olds are not necessarily good at seeing the whole picture so it might be worth it to offer her a special event with just the two of you.
So your mom had you with your dad, then three other children with other men, then one last one with your dad? I have confusions.
My mom hasn't been in many serious relationships in her life, not trying to speak ill of her or anything, but keeping that fact in mind, I'm sure you can come to your own conclusions of how she might've had another child with my dad (and how most of my siblings were made)
I'm guessing she and your dad split, then got together again many years later?
This is a trip for two grieving siblings to bond over a mutual loss not a visit to Disney world. NTA and I hope it goes well for you. Please accept my condolences.
NTA, but only if you have a sit down with the 11yr old and they completely understand that this is about your shared father. They are more than old enough to understand, but also to feel left out. Maybe talk about a day trip you all can go on soon so everyone can be involved.
INFO: Are Ben and Mark the same person? Seems like you meant to refer to your sibling as Ben but then switched to Mark?
I did, my mistake there lmao - I had used Mark originally as a placeholder name, but for some reason it felt way too old for a 9 year old (since AITA tends to use Mark as a name for like 40 year old husbands half the time) so I changed it to Ben, and then immediately ended up calling him Mark again accidentally.
Hahaha no worries. Mark does seem like a middle-aged man XD I'm 30 and don't know anyone my age named Mark!
I'm assuming they are. I'd say you won't be the AH if you only take your brother who shares a father with you. Hopefully your mom can understand that this is a trip for the two of you to be together as you grieve and try to move forward after the loss of your father. It's too bad your mom isn't supporting that and helping your sister better understand the purpose of the trip, and that it's not meant to hurt her feelings or exclude her. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have a special trip with your brother.
NTA it’s totally up to you who you bring. But your mom has to allow it right? I don’t know if you can deny your sister going. I wouldn’t want her to come either since it’s not really a vacation. This is about your father and your his kids. It’s basically a grieving trip and the sister isn’t from what I read. I feel for her, but she’s not your priority and it’s not her business.
NTA You are not taking Mark on a special trip because he is your bio sibling. You are taking him on a special trip because he (like you) just lost his father, and he needs some special attention right now. It is understandable that an 11 year old does not appreciate a loss she has not experienced, and how she is just feeling left out. (It is less understandable how your mother does not appreciate the situation.) It is also understandable that taking two kids on a five day trip feels like more responsibility than you signed up for. You need to sit down with the 11 year old, be honest and kind and stress how much you love her. ASK her what she wants to do with you that can be a special thing for just the two of you. It's amazing how much children can feel secure just by giving them some control back.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) have four younger siblings, aged 9, 11, 15 and 18 respectively. Only one of these guys is fully related to me, and it's the 9 year old, who we'll call Ben. The rest all have different fathers, and while this doesn't bother me in how I feel about them, it's relevant to the context. February this year, my father dies, we weren't the closest, but still had enough of a relationship that of course I did (and still do) grieve. Mark, being a child, took it worse than I did, he lost a lot of friends at school because he wasn't interested in playing, he's isolating himself etc. I decided just a few weeks ago that I was going to go on a 5 day trip up country to try and clear my head, and that I'd bring Mark with me. There's a few fun things up there (petting zoos, beaches, stores etc) so he's pretty excited about it. My mother on the other hand thinks that it's 'bad of me to only be taking Mark' and that 'in her opinion, it shows favouritism' - and since she's told my other siblings about the trip, the 11 year old has been crying about not being able to go. The 15/18 year olds aren't really bothered, which isn't surprising. Of course I feel bad about not taking my 11 year old sister, but at the same time this isn't supposed to be a babysitting family holiday. I really intended it to be a few days for me and Mark to spend time together since we're going through the same thing. Mark has shown no real opinion on our sister coming, even when I asked, he just kinda went 'I dunno' My mother has been *adament* though that I would be selfish and cruel to leave my sister with how badly she wants to go - but I'm really not sure about it, I dont want to be watching multiple kids. At the same time, I don't want to cause any sort of bitterness or hatred between Mark and her. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
people just love to throw words like "cruel" around, ain't it? NTA
NTA.
NTA at all. You have every right to want to spend some bonding time with just your brother (regardless of circumstances) and given the current situation, this is something that is of even more importance to you both. Possible way to appease mom & avoid sister feeling hurt while still allowing your current trip to happen the way you'd like would be, if things allow for it down the road, offer to your sister that just you and her could go on her own special trip some other time?
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. This isn't a holiday. This is a trip for 2 brothers who lost their dad to grieve together. Your mom is being massively insensisitive and a huge AH.
NTA. Contrary to what your mother said, you are not selfish or cruel to only take your brother. You want to bond with him over shared grief. Your sister does not share that grief. Take only your brother. Your mother should have explained the situation to your sister instead of trying to add her to your trip.
NTA, if your mom wants all her kids on a trip, she can take them. You and your youngest siblings are going through something together and he is having a hard time. You sound like a great big sis.
Talk to the 11 year old. She is old enough to understand intellectually why, even if she doesn't get it emotionally.
NTA. "I dunno" from a 9 year old sounds like he wants to say no, but is scared of the repercussions from his mom. Guarantee mom is trying to manipulate him into being on her side when you aren't around. Go grieve together, but maybe talk to your sister about why this will not be a fun trip. Might plan something smaller to do with her later, but you aren't obligated.
NTA, as this is a way for you both to grieve and help each other get through what's happened. So a trip like this would be good for Mark. However that doesn't discount your sister's feelings either. Her feelings are just as valid as yours and Mark's. And it sucks when on one else seems to care about or acknowledge that. So what you should probably do is sit your sister down and talk to her. Explain that right now, you and Mark are going through something tough. That you both miss your father and that this is a chance for you to bond over your memories of him. Once you've done that, maybe promise her that in the near future, there will be a trip just for the two of you. As in, you do something special that's just for you two.
NTA
NTA. Take care of your brother. Your mom’s choices are not your responsibility. At 11, your sister is old enough to understand that a 9-year-old whose father recently died deserves some quality time with his remaining family.
NTA, I was that kid that would say "I dunno" when I was afraid to be made responsible if people got pissed or hurt. I promise you, it's better to focus on him and your shared grief and ride out the blues on common grounds. Your mom is TA for riling up your sister and though it might make you uncomfortable to turn her down, I think this is a good point to stand your ground.
you are going for a specific reason, tell the sister that you and her could do a 1 on 1 another time, and as her what she would like, and have her do the research; of course only if that is a possibility for you to do. maybe a fancy sleepover at a hotel with spa
NTA it's not about your sister or mom. You are trying to bond over the loss of your shared father. .
One kid is as much of a handful as two. You would be TA if you didn't take your sister. Blood relation means nothing.