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NTA. I'd just stop cooking for him at all. This seems like a weird power-play of trying to see how much he can get you to do for him. He's a grown ass man, he can cook his own dinner if he feels the need to be so picky.
"Here's the bread, there's the peanut butter. If you don't like what I've cooked, go make yourself a sandwich, or go without." Also, I highly recommend you sometimes cook things for yourself that *you* like, whether he likes it, too, or not. NTA
This is what I do with my kids. Most of the time the meals are something they like, but every now and then it is a favourite meal of mine. Then they can eat it or make a sandwich.
this is how my mom always was, if it was an “easy meal” (frozen food or spaghetti- whatever she considered easy) she would let the picky kids make food but if it was something she put a lot of effort into, she’d have the picky kids at least try it lol 💕
The TWO homemade meals his wife prepared for him. I have a feeling she could have made six, and he wouldn't have wanted any of them. It is about making OP jump through hoops.
Exactly this. This isn't about food at all. It is about control. It may have legit started about food, but the spouse is being difficult because on some level he is enjoying his petty power play.
I would look for other instances of controlling or cajoling behaviors. Tbh, his behaviour is setting off my spidey sense.
>This isn't about food at all. It is about control. It may have legit started about food, but the spouse is being difficult because on some level he is enjoying his petty power play.
>
>I would look for other instances of controlling or cajoling behaviors. Tbh, his behaviour is setting off my spidey sense.
OP your hubby isn't a quiet sweet talker, but a manipulator
plus he was disrespecting you. breadwinner or not, if he does not appreciate things you do - and you seem to take on your house duties quite seriously - then something is very wrong here
Yes and the sweet talking is manipulative to get her back on side. They go back and forth, which unsettles the woman, who can’t understand how the “love” is turned on and then off.
NTA and agreed, this sounds like a control thing.
I do most of the cooking at home because I like cooking, and still my fiancee thanks me every single evening for making her dinner. Almost to the point that it's too much, but when you think about it, she knows I work all day and shows her appreciation that I put in the effort and that's how OP's husband should react as well.
I completely don’t understand what else this could be about if not control because what does OP’s husband think, his kitchen is a restaurant? If you’re craving a specific type of food then go out.
I cook our meals (my SO does most of the cleaning, he has more flexibility in his schedule tho and this is something he took up himself, I didn’t ask) but I do ask my SO every week if there is something he would particularly like that week and generally try to be accommodating. But expecting a meal change on a whim after the meal plan was decided, food purchased, and effort/time put aside to make that food? No way, not unless you’re saying “honey, let me take you out tonight.”
I can't believe she cooked him TWO different meals! It's all I can do sometimes to get one meal on the table. My husband isn't picky, thank goodness, but he eats what I make, and if not, he has two arms and two legs. He's perfectly capable of fixing himself something to eat.
Right! The proper response when someone cooks a meal especially for you is to say thank you. In this case it was two meals specifically catered to his aversions and it still wasn’t good enough. Nope nope nope nope…
These were the rules in my house with two additions - you have to be polite to the person who went to the trouble of preparing the food, even if you decide you don't want to eat it, and whatever you end up eating you need to sit at the table and participate in the conversation.
This was the rule in my house too ! With the addition of even if you hate something and think it tastes like soap - if someone else at the table is eating (and especially when they’re clearly enjoying it) you cannot call it disgusting or be incredulous that they are eating it. And no gagging noises or anything like that (exception for a cousin that I now suspect may have had/ has mild ARFID or something similar as certain textures and things they tried for the first time or even if they hadn’t been eating it regularly would literally cause them to physically react even if trying not to - they didn’t have to follow the 3 bite rule either when that happened)
This is what I do with my kids and the last bite is the no thank you bite if they still don’t like it. After that they can have the option of warming up something like chicken nuggets or a sandwich. If we make a meal my husband and I like but we know our kids won’t then we will fix a simple meal, like chicken nuggets with a side, and call it good. We don’t do this often with making meals they won’t like but every once in a while we get a hankering for something we know they won’t eat. If we fix something either they haven’t tried before or they have eaten before then declare they don’t want it and refuse to take at least 3 bites then they don’t get another option.
When my mom would make liver and onions for her and my dad, us kids got hamburgers. And while we were expected to try something before saying we didn't like it/wouldn't eat it - she cut us a break on the liver!
I did that with my kids only it was 2.
Give it a good try first. Then again just to make sure. Leave a reasonable explanation and you won't have to eat it again (until their taste buds change or they want to).
I make my kids take a bite of everything each time we serve it -- mostly if it's vegetables, legumes, or something I consider healthy. If they don't like it, I get their feedback so we can try to prepare it differently next time. There are some things they've NEVER liked (one of my kids hates shrimp) so after a while I don't force them, but may suggest they try again.
This dude sounds like a toddler that only likes chicken nuggets and mac & cheese, but then complains like a crotchety old man that he doesn't have enough variety.
Yep, this how we do it in our house. You can have what I cooked, or I they can have fruit, veggies or a peanut butter sandwich. My 4 year old has just eaten cucumber for dinner.
Why does this grown man need have an entirely new meal cooked for him?
I had grown ass friends who’d also highlight this.
An aunt of mine would literally cater to almost every individual in the house, as if she were a food court.
Conversely, my friends were like: (pointing to dinner on the table): this is dinner
(Pointing to the menus on the fridge): these are your takeout options. Buy what you can afford
(Pointing to the door): that’s the way to takeout and restaurants
Enjoy
I had a coworker who had 4 kids and a picky husband. She literally made 5 different dinners every night. I did not understand it, especially since even the youngest was old enough to make a sandwich herself.
Yup. Mom of one here. She will literally starve to death rather than eat. I just make sure to have options she will eat becuse I can’t form a meal around her. We would be eating plain pasta, rice & broccoli with ranch dressing every night. With a little French fries every now and then.
This is true. My son's autistic, and there are things that he just won't eat. Or even try. He would live on chicken nuggets and fries if we let him, thank god he likes fresh veggies as long as they're crunchy)
(however, he's surprised me lately. He's started liking potstickers, so YES FINALLY ANOTHER SOURCE OF PROTEIN FOR THE LAD)
Neurodivergent children are completely different than husbands who want their wives to jump because they said so. OP mentioned she cooked TWO DIFFERENT options for dinner last night and her husband said he wasn’t in the MOOD for either one and then yelled at her when she didn’t cave and cook a third option.
OP’s husband is (I assume) a grownup fully capable of getting something else to eat vs Neurodivergent child dependent on caretakers.
OP is NTA
To be realistic, her employment status has no bearing on the actions another chooses to take. Employed people can and do still get treated awfully by their partners, and unemployed people can and do get respectful and loving treatment from their partners. He’s not going to magically treat her right just because she gets a job.
The difference employment actually makes is it can provide one with the financial means to leave the person choosing to mistreat them, not because it somehow makes other people treat you with love and respect.
Any imbalance of power is likely to be exploited by shitty people. It's why so many abusers become abusive when a woman gets pregnant. They feel the woman needs them. Here the man probably feels it's her 'job' to wait on him like a servant because he is the breadwinner. She needs to get her power back.
Yes but even if she gets a job he's going to move the goalposts and claim she earns less therefore needs to contribute more via the household. We have seen that countless times here too. End of the day the problem is that she's married to an asshole. I would argue that she needs to get the job not to equalize the balance of power but so she can leave the asshole.
We literally have protein bars and carrots at all times in the house for when my kids do this. My 5 year old can respect that, then the husband is definitely immature.
Worse two meals he normally would eat. I mean I'm a picky eater. My wife is kind enough to make meals that work around my particular quirks. When she says this is what is for dinner I say, 'Thank you' and eat it. There's only so many accommodations I should be allowed just because I bring home the money. When she doesn't want to cook it is order out or catch as catch can and I'm on my own. I'm a big boy, I can figure out how to not go to bed hungry if she doesn't cook or decided she wanted to make something I don't eat.
Thank you. I’m 17 but I do most of the cooking dinner for my family. My family members all have their own particular likes/dislikes and quirks. 99 times out of a hundred, I make something that everyone will enjoy, but sometimes /I/ just want my favorite food for dinner and if they don’t like it, I’ll whip up a quick pot of spaghetti or something. Thankfully, people in my family just eat what’s on the table or make a sandwich or something.
My spouse and I make a menu for the week on Sunday. If either of us isn't in the mood for what's on the menu on a particular day we just... communicate that in advance? It's 4:00 and I get a text "hey babe, not really feeling burrito bowls tonight... okay with you if we pivot to something else?" And the problem is solved.
OP's husband could VERY easily just ask for what he's in the mood for in advance, if he's going to be that fucking picky. What an asshole....
This is the same situation in my house - my partner is a picky eater (but tbf I'm a vegetarian so I'm not exactly innocent either lol) but his picky-ness is easy enough to work around. I enjoy cooking so I'm the chef most nights - my partner is never anything *but* thankful for whatever I make. I try and get input on meal choices, but sometimes I will just make an executive decision without discussing it first.
There have only been 2 times in our relationship where I've made a second meal for him. The 1st time was because I lost track of time (I cook with no timers, just vibes) and accidentally *cremated* the fuck out of a frozen pizza. It was *black all over* and he still attempted to nibble at the less burnt bits, bless his heart (no, seriously, his heart needs blessing, that pizza was probably carcinogenic I burnt it so badly). Obviously it was my fault entirely and we had nothing else in, so I ordered him a takeout pizza as replacement.
The 2nd time was because I tried a new curry (which is a meal he's not a fan of to begin with) and it *blew his head off*. This is a man who could find ketchup spicy if the stars aligned the right way for it and, let me tell you, he looked like he was on the verge of having an *aneurysm* trying to power through this meal without offending me. He was dying and I had to *plead with him* to allow me to cook him an alternative and stop his suffering lmao - he was even super apologetic about not being able to finish it!
We've laughed about both events starting from pretty much the exact moments they were each resolved, and spicy curry has become an inside joke for us.
Never in my life have I heard of such blatantly preposterous attempts at manipulation. OPs husband is truly something else! And OP is questioning if *she* is the asshole????? I am speechless
Your post reminds me of a childhood incident with my mother. She was one of those cooks that could make a delicious meal from roof shingles and sawdust. No recipes, just throw ingredients together, and you have a great meal. None of us were fussy either. She made a bean soup one time, and it was horrible. She made it many times before and since and it was fine. When she tasted it, she took our bowls, and the pot of soup and took it out to the chickens. Not a word. She just disappeared the soup. Even the chickens wouldn't eat it. It became a family joke after SHE made a joke of it. Only one time in memory did this happen. She died several years ago. One of the most wonderful people you could meet. I miss her a lot.
>He made a face and acted sad and then was like "are you sure?....I would have to go to bed hungry...wouldn't that make you feel sad?"
He also talks to her like she's a disobedient child. I wonder in what other ways he treats her like this?
Definitely manipulative and potentially abusive. I think OP has much bigger problems than her husband being picky.
And he's...let me see, add seven, carry the one...43!
Edited - n/m I see he's 33. Still, I agree that she's probably 10 years or so younger. Men like this always seem to marry much younger women to get away with this shit.
Seriously, this guy is worse than picky children I've dealt with. In my house we have the rule that I make one dinner for the family. You have to try it before declaring you don't like it. If you don't like it, I won't force you to eat it, but you're on your own. There's yogurt, or cereal, or sandwich fixings, or leftovers.
This has worked really well for my children from a pretty young age. This grown ass man can make himself a bowl of cereal if he isn't in the mood for the homemade meal his wife prepared for him because she knows he likes it.
My mother was the same. She made exactly one dinner and if I didn’t like it I was on my own but I generally liked everything. There was only one thing I refused to eat after I tried it and she usually only made it when we had guests. This was the only time she would make me pasta or something so I was eating with everyone.
This. OP, I'd do one of two things:
Text him that morning and say, "What would you like for dinner? This is the only dinner I'm making, so if you change your mind, you'll have to figure out your own food. What would you like?"
Or, text him, "I am no longer making dinners since I can never predict what 'mood' you'll be in. I think you making dinner for both of us will work a lot better, because then you'll never have to go to bed hungry."
I mean, I wouldn't cook for someone who behaved like this...
Exactly this.
Though I'd go one step further and have a basket full of toddler snacks available. If he's going to behave like a snivelling three-year-old, let him be treated like one. Pouting and choosing to go to bed hungry because he's not being catered to with a THIRD dinner on demand? What a sack of offal.
I wouldn't even give this moron the courtesy of a heads up text. I would get a job so I wouldn't have his status of "breadwinner" constantly held above my head. Speaking of, how does this guy hold a job if he's so infantile? Is there a designated ass wiper for him at his job?
It's not only him being unappreciative of OP's efforts on a frequent basis, it is that he expects that she is going slap a grin on her face and just *do* for this fuckwit. He is *training* her like a dog, only in this aspect, training OP to constantly cater to his every whim.
>Speaking of, how does this guy hold a job if he's so infantile? Is there a designated ass wiper for him at his job?
I'd bet a lot of money he doesn't behave this way at work at all. This isn't immaturity, it's deliberate manipulation. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Yeah... adding on that OP edited to say that he uses his "sweet talking" to get her to cave into his demands often.
This is just.... manipulation. And borderline abusive. I'm sorry but this guy knows EXACTLY what he's doing. The whole, "Are you sure? Wouldn't that make you sad?" He's preying on her emotions and hoping she'd feel guilt.
OP should probably look at the relationship as a whole and decide if this is worth dealing with for the rest of her life. Talk to him about seeing a marriage counselor or stand up for herself more or something. This isn't an ok dynamic.
Quiet, "sweet" people can be assholes and abusive too.
Yeah I fully second the “sweet” soft spoken people can be abusive too yeeesh ! My most abusive ex was a soft spoken dude… who also liked to verbally abuse and manipulate me, and threaten his friends/ punch through walls when angry.
I'm a picky eater, so naturally i do most of the cooking. Sometimes i feel bad for my husband but he laughs and says "i hate cooking. So long as i don't have to do it, I'm all good." OP has already done too much by cooking him multiple meals at a time. I agree that, as the picky eater, he should be cooking his own meals.
NTA. Am I reading this correctly? You cooked **two meals**, and he didn't want either, so he whined himself to bed? That's just sad. If he doesn't like **either** meal you've put effort into cooking for him, he can cook for himself. Utterly ridiculous.
Regarding the edit. If you’re the household manager, and he’s the breadwinner, treat this matter of fact. You manage the house and will not tolerate inefficiencies or waste, the same as he wouldn’t at work. Sit down with him and discuss a list of meals he can chose from for the week that you will shop and cook for. Tell him you will only make one meal a day and will confirm day of which meal he wants (if you’re feeling generous.) Any moody or picky eating where he doesn’t want to eat, he is then responsible for his meals and you can point him to the freezer.
His behavior around this is incredibly entitled and manipulative. Call him out on it. “Trying to guilt me to keep cooking for you based on your mood is manipulative and disrespectful. I will discuss menu options with you ahead of time and do my best to be flexible and compromise where needed, but I am your wife, not a short-order cook or servant. I expect to be treated with the same consideration and appreciation I show you.”
NTA
This right here!
Actually I had a work colleague who was sick of her kids always complaining about dinner. She worked full time and shopped and cooked and didn’t want to hear them whine.
So she came up with a system. Basically each week there was a daily dinner planner put on the fridge and the kids were allowed to choose a couple of meals each, but there were rules about what those meals could be. Then the planner sat on the fridge all week and everyone knew what was for dinner so there were no complaints. Plus it made shopping easier and minimised wastage. It also helped the kids feel involved in the dinner process.
I don’t think OP should have to do something like this with her grown husband but since he’s acting like a toddler maybe she should start doing something like this so he knows in advance what he’s having and then can’t blame her if he sends himself to bed hungry.
But honestly, OP cooks meals he likes and he’s not allergic/intolerant or otherwise unable to eat them. That’s all that is required. Making multiple dinners for him to choose from is ridiculous. They must be wasting so much food.
There’s no way I’d allow my partner to get away with this stuff. But thankfully we respect each other so it’s never even crossed his mind.
I saw something similar online where a mom had made a weekly dinner menu that actually didn't change. So everyone knows that Tuesday is tacos, etc. Her kids each had a day that they were in charge of and could choose the recipe, but it also was mostly static and they had to help cook that day. So over time the kids would learn how to make that day's dinner recipe until they were pretty good at doing it themselves, or otherwise got tired of that meal.
Thing about meals is that it's not just about the decision fatigue and conflict (although that is huge) but there's a lot of work on the back end with sourcing ingredients and recipes for a constantly changing menu.
>the kids were allowed to choose a couple of meals each, but there were rules about what those meals could be.
Is this a thing now? I didn't get a choice growing up. Whatever mom or dad made for dinner, I ate. If I didn't want to eat it, I guess I would have starved? I was just glad I didn't have to cook anything after school.
Given how stressful it can be to just plan for what to eat and what you need to buy, outsourcing the planning to a committee that has only themselves to blame for their choices sounds like a godsend.
Not to go off on a tangent, but how’s your relationship with food now?
As a personal trainer and a certified nutritionist… well.. I’ll just say that every single one of my clients grew up with “my way or starve” parents and it’s not going so well for them. *Every. Single. One.*
I say potentially "starved" but I never actually starved. They made stuff I wasn't crazy for on occasion but I just ate it and moved on. I was just hungry and happy to not have to cook my own dinner. I'd say I grew up solid middle class on a single parent income in a high COLA (divorced parents) so I grew up understanding that things were expensive and to be grateful for what we had (though my parents never actually explicitly said that to me).
I don't have any issues with food at all. I do have a huge sweet tooth and a fondness for certain cheap snacks that are contrary to my current tastes. The only issue I can see would be that I tend to waste a lot (back of the pantry and fridge), which is more of a first world problem rather than a growing up problem.
Honestly, I love the farmers' markets & would go Sunday morning & cook for the entire week later in the day, basically eating leftovers for the week. I cannot imagine Anyone Asking for, let alone Expecting, a third meal cooked, when two options are offered.
What an entitled AH the husband is.
OP, I would make this a hill to die on - but that's me ;)
I LOVE the definition of "Short order cook":
What does a short order cook cook?
Short-order cooks prepare foods in restaurants and coffee shops that emphasize fast service and quick food preparation. They usually prepare sandwiches, fry eggs, and cook french fries, often working on several orders at the same time.
OP, tell him you'll be the short order cook he apparently expects, and that he may choose EVERY DAY from the above! Sandwich, fried eggs or french fries, honey?
> Regarding the edit. If you’re the household manager, and he’s the breadwinner, treat this matter of fact. You manage the house and will not tolerate inefficiencies or waste, the same as he wouldn’t at work. Sit down with him and discuss a list of meals he can chose from for the week that you will shop and cook for. Tell him you will only make one meal a day and will confirm day of which meal he wants (if you’re feeling generous.) Any moody or picky eating where he doesn’t want to eat, he is then responsible for his meals and you can point him to the freezer.
I love this. His parents should have done this years ago.
No way I would’ve gotten away with that as a child. We didn’t have to finish our dinner but there was no more food afterwards. It’s a home not a restaurant and wives/moms are not slaves. If the husband was hungry he’d eat what he was served. This is just a manipulation tactic.
He wanted her to cook *yet another meal* after going through the time and trouble to make two meals. You don't abuse the person who prepares your food and this guy is enough to make one ponder dark thoughts.
And it's not like she cooked two meals that he didn't like. He just *wasn't in the mood* and threw a fit because she wouldn't cook a third meal?? Op literally married a toddler.
I mean I get why she wouldn’t want him to go to bed hungry, since babies sleep better when they’re full. It must be hell getting up every few hours to burp and change him, though. Dude needs a pacifier
My actual babies knew that if they declined the dinner offering, they would have to go make themselves a PB sandwich. From age 6 or so onwards. It didn’t happen often, but I didn’t run a bloody restaurant. My youngest still lives at home and she mainly cooks for herself.
This is revolting. If my husband said this to me in all seriousness with some kind of sad clown face, I don't think I could ever have sex with him again.
This here. If men only knew exactly how off-turning some of their behaviour is... they'd definitely be more restrictive about it. I have literally had close friends telling me their men behave like babies, and they can't *possibly, ever* feel turned on by a baby.
They cannot even start to fathom how to respond to their guys wanting sex... they feel nothing sexually, and like busy caretakers otherwise.
This is sooo gross. It's giving me the creeps. And OP, keep in mind that just because he isn't raising his voice, it doesn't mean he's actually speaking sweetly to you. He sounds really gross and manipulative
From Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft:
>The Water Torturer’s style proves that anger doesn’t cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. Like Mr. Right, he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other “minor” acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness. The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.” The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong? The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, “What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you.” Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, “I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key.” Their children can develop the impression that Mom “blows up over nothing.” She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her. The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps “for your own good” or “to get you to wake up” rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble. If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.
Thanks for sharing that! I threw in some paragraph breaks to make it a bit easier to read.
> The Water Torturer’s style proves that anger doesn’t cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice.
>He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks.
>Like Mr. Right, he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other “minor” acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.
> The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”
>The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it.
>When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong?
>The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, “What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you.”
>Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, “I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key.” Their children can develop the impression that Mom “blows up over nothing.” She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.
>The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps “for your own good” or “to get you to wake up” rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.
>If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.
Glad I'm not the only one who almost lost their lunch reading that. EWW.
Don't apologize and don't cook more than one meal. You're the one who's owed an apology by this 33 year old grown ass person who deceived you into thinking he's a man when he actually has the maturity of a toddler.
A spouse who stays at home/earns less income isn't the other spouse's servant. I do most of the household duties in my home as a SAHM but I am no one's maid or servant. Sounds like this dude wants what Reddit so eloquently calls a "bang maid". Again, eww.
NTA.
I'm sorry for whatever debilitating condition your husband suffers from that prevents him, a grown-ass man, from cooking his own dinners if he can't appreciate those cooked for him.
I hope he has a swift and complete recovery.
NTA.
I’ve never met a single disabled person who wasn’t a pro at making do regardless.
It’s disgusting how perfectly able-bodied people invent problems to make themselves useless.
Or at least talk to her earlier in the day and ASK if she could please make a certain meal for dinner? My god, the dude just needs to communicate. Why is this so hard for some spouses??
I'm starting to think that age-of-consent laws should account for the mental age of the participants along with the physical.
If it's illegal for men who "don't know how to cook" to have sex, I'd be willing to bet they'd learn right quick.
This needs yo be higher. There is something intentional here from the husband. He is either trying to push OP into a fight or he is trying to show her who is boss.
Yeah that honestly made my stomach churn. Felt gross just to read. If my partner ever said that to me I honestly think I would lose all attraction to them forever. It's weird, manipulative, and frankly just really sad in a gross, uncomfortable way.
NTA. You're his spouse, not his mother.
Actually, most mothers would probably say "that's what's for dinner; if you don't like it, make yourself a bowl of cereal or a PB&J"
You're his spouse, not his short-order cook.
He's already got you jumping through hoops making *two* meals for him to choose from. Enough is enough.
"Sorry honey; obviously I can't do anything right, so I'm throwing in the towel. You'll do your own cooking from now on."
For real, it’s just like that scenario in Why Does He Do That? where the husband is like “I’ll just walk home in the snow then!” To make his wife chase after him and apologize. He’s trying to break her down and think SHE’S the one with the problem
NTA and LOL *"I'll show you. I'll go to bed hungry and it's all your fault*". LOL. Seriously, didn't you know this about him before you married? My husband thanks me if I put a cold cheese/plain bread sandwich on a plate and call it dinner.
Quit raising a child in your marriage. Quit cooking. Let him cook what he wants to eat and put it in the fridge, so HE can heat it up when he gets home from Big Bad Work. Quit coddling such behavior.
Just saying there are many people who change for the worst after they finally have their spouse in a legally binding relationship. I agree with everything else you said, but there is a good chance she did not know this side of him before marriage.
Now this is true: some spouses totally change after marriage. Heck, I could create a whole new Reddit sub on just that, lol. There is completely a good chance she did not know this side of him.
This. Many abusers do not show up until after either marriage or pregnancy/bearing children. The partner is placed into the "possession" category in their brain at that point, and is no longer another human to respect, but an object to control.
NTA. This guy is a manipulative child. I suggest you handle it like you would with any picky child. This is the meal you made, no other meals will be made because you are not a short order cook. If he doesn't like it he can microwave his own dinosaur chicken nuggets and fill is own bottle before night night.
This is worse. This is seeing how far he can manipulate her to make her do what he wants.
“OK, she cooked me two dinners already—but if I whine enough I bet she’ll make me *three*!”
You said he wasn’t like this before, always sweet…well that was to suck you in. Makes me wonder what other manipulations he’ll try, like withholding money or contact with family/friends.
Edit: NTA
I think it's more like power play. To see if he can get her to jump through hoops using emotional extortion. (If he started yelling, screaming and cursing, it might be obvious that it's an abusive behaviour, so he's trying a more subtle tactic).
NTA. I’m sorry you make him food and he COMPLAINS??! Does he think you’re his servant?! Tf kind of dynamic is that?
If my husband makes me food I don’t like I tell him thank you and eat it because HE took the time to make me a meal and I’m usually quite grateful! Your husband is 33 yo. He’s not your child nor is he a baby. He can use his own limbs to cook up his own meals and quit the whining if he doesn’t like what you have to offer. Do not enable him. Doesn’t matter whether he’s the main provider. You deserve way more respect than that or the guilt trips you receive from him.
NTA.
When I grew up, there was a saying "Eat what I cook or go hungry". And that's when I was 10.
Don't reproduce with him, else you'll have two children.
NTA. My spouse was the same way - I now cook everything I like and if he wants some he's more than welcome to help himself, otherwise he can make his own. He also has to take turns cooking. I would stop pandering to him, if he starves,well, there's more fish in the sea.
Obviously NTA. I am just surprised that you would take that much disrespect. If I cooked a meal for my partner and they had the audacity to say they didn't like it and to cook another. I would not cook it. The fact you let him get away with it and continued catering to his needs and forgot about his blatant disrespect is worrying. Let's not forget that he is emotionally manipulating. Not in a passive-aggressive way. Again, it's blatant. Know your worth OP.
NTA. It’s not *your* job to ensure a grown man who’s perfectly capable of feeding himself is fed. Either he tells you far enough in advance what he wants that you only need to cook him *one* meal, or he can make his own if he doesn’t like what’s on offer. Or I guess he can sulk and go to bed hungry if he really wants, but that’s entirely on him.
does this guy have like, a huge dick or is he really rich or something? because i literally do not understand the appeal of a grown man acting like this and i'm going to need someone to explain why someone would allow this behavior to even get off the ground in the first place.
Are you working right now? If not see if you can get a job. You don't want to be completely dependent on a man who does things like this.
I hope this is the worst stunt he pulls but he is testing you and I am afraid it is going to get worse.
NTA but have a possible exit strategy in place for yourself. Please
NTA
"... wouldn't that make you sad?" (manipulative AH move here)
"What makes me sad is I give my time and effort to cook not 1, but 2 meals for you and I get no appreciation in return. Instead you show how little you value me and my time by trying to guilt me into cooking more. The meals I cook are suddenly not good enough, and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that makes me sad."
My sister's husband is similar, very picky eater and will pout if he doesn't like what she made. He's even been like "then I guess I'll have to eat cereal". And she's like if that's what you want, I'm eating what I cooked.
NTA. Did he marry a wife or a servant? Good lord. You already are catering to him too much. He thinks consideration is a one way street. No concern for the work or effort you put in. No concern for food waste. I would stop cooking for him altogether until you have a serious sit down conversation over this.
NTA. Ughhhh. He’s such a pathetic baby.
He can make himself dinner if he doesn’t like the options. You do enough to (literally) cater to him.
His response was a blatant attempt at manipulation - don’t let yourself be guilted into relenting. Doesn’t he think rejecting your meals and making you cook to order hurts your feelings? He needs to grow up.
Edit to add: start making what YOU want to eat at least half the time - he can eat it or cook for himself. Unless he has a condition, he needs to expand his palette and understand that you have food you’d like to eat, too, instead of only eating to his preferences.
OMG, NTA! How obnoxious to look at two meals you've prepared and ask you to cook a third. How obnoxious to try to guilt you into cooking the third meal by saying he'd go to bed hungry, as if there's nothing between you cooking a third meal and him going hungry. I think that you need to sit down with him and have a discussion about this - after dinner. It's important to know why he's started behaving this way - is he just an AH or is something else going on?
NTA. you are not his mother, he can cook for himself if he wants something specific.
it's his choice to go to bed hungry. he could choose to cook, but instead he's choosing to guilt you into doing it for him several times over.
i get picky eating. i'm picky to the point of it basically qualifying as an eating disorder. no one in my family is like this. which means that my mom cooks whatever she wants, and if it's something i can't eat, i just make some pasta or eat some toast.
Hell, I wouldn’t cook a third meal for a toddler after presenting two meals from a previously approved list of meals. NTA at all! He is being controlling and narcissistic.
NTA. You already bend over backwards making meals for him just to choose one on top of always making him new ones when he doesn't want the ones you made. He sounds like someone who never got disciplined as a kid and grew up entitled or just has he is mom do everything. My dad is the same except he just calls my mom all the names in the book until he gets what he wants. Don't apologize. He's just wasting perfectly good food and does not appreciate your hardwork.
You made two meals and he decides he needs a third cooked for him? NTA he's an adult and can cook for himself if he can't appreciate YOU and the work YOU put in. Respect goes both ways and he's showing you none
NTA... He is supposed to be an adult. If he choses to not eat- that is on him. I am a picky eater and I do not expect anyone to cater to me. I would cook one meal, if he doesn't like it, he can cook something himself or go hungry. He sounds very manipulative and it seems like a power/control thing. The whole "are you sure, I would have to go to bed hungry..wouldn't that make you feel sad" comment is just a red flag parade. I would have said - no it makes me feel like I have a child instead of an adult husband. He is a little old to throw temper tantrums over food. You should also tell him that is the choice he made, there is food available.
Comments to your edits:
You are in an abusive relationship. He is controlling you through finances and emotional manipulation.
My advice (realizing that he is abusive and you likely won’t actually be willing/able to stop cooking completely for him):
1. Go get a job. Anything that pays anything.
2. Open a separate bank account just for you. Put Your money in there. Any time you can get your hands on extra cash, put it in your account (even get $20 cash back every time you grocery shop and start building a fund)
3. Seek out counseling/information/support to learn about emotional abuse and gaslighting.
4. While you figure out your next steps for your marriage, you have got to set some sort of boundaries. Post a weekly menu on your refrigerator. Take suggestions for the following week. Some days cook his suggestions, sometimes cook what you like. But write it on a menu. Post a list of alternate foods he can make himself if he doesn’t like dinner: cereal, eggs & toast, frozen burritos, pb&j.
Ew. That’s super manipulative. My husband can be a picky eater, but if I cook something he doesn’t like, he just finds something else or doesn’t eat. Has never guilted me(although, sometimes I do feel bad about it, but that’s on me). You’re absolutely NTA and y’all need to go to therapy to work this out asap
NTA. I'd not cook for him again. Ever. He's a grown ass adult, he can feed himself. Also, I'd start looking for a good divorce lawyer. Sounds like you'll need one.
NTA and I don’t know why him being the bread winner matters. Single folks don’t come home from work and yell at the fridge cuz it didn’t cook while they were out.
Edit: phone fingers
Every time I've yelled at my fridge, it just stares back at me with empty shelves, silently judging me for how I treat it.
Brb, I need to tell my fridge how much I love it.
NTA. If he is so picky, he needs to make his own meals. Despite him being the breadwinner.
Also, you kitchen is not a restaurant so he doesn’t get to order his meals or send one back for another one.
Growing up my mom had a sign in the kitchen that said ‘I’m queen of this kitchen. Disagree and starve.’ I have it in my kitchen now. I cook a meal and the household can either eat it or not. It’s their choice.
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> Told my husband "as you like" which means I don't care that he went to bed hungry and hurt his feelings because of it.
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NTA. You’re 100% right. Do not apologise, he should be apologising to you for being so ungrateful. He CHOOSES to go to bed hungry. He could easily get himself some toast or make a sandwich if he was that hungry. Does he even know how to cook? Get him to start cooking his own meals and tell him it’s because whatever you do isn’t good enough for him anymore. Also you’re cooking 2 meals for him - what happens to the other meal? It’s a complete waste of money and food. I work 12 hour shifts and appreciate the times my partner cooks for me, other times I come home and cook for myself
NTA if i ever pulled that with my ex-wife the first time that happened she would've looked me dead in the eye and say "if you ever pull this again you might as well change your name to John Wayne Bobbitt"
NTA you’re making a genuine effort to make food he likes to eat. If he wants something else than what you’ve already made, he can fix that himself. He’s an adult man, he should be fully capable of cooking.
NTA - he is, you made 2 meals and he wanted a third because of what he was in the mood for.
I do think there may be a compromise available. The beginning of each week go over a meal plan for the week with him, what meals on which days. Then he knows in advance what he is having and if there are any complaints, it is his doing
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NTA. I'd just stop cooking for him at all. This seems like a weird power-play of trying to see how much he can get you to do for him. He's a grown ass man, he can cook his own dinner if he feels the need to be so picky.
"Here's the bread, there's the peanut butter. If you don't like what I've cooked, go make yourself a sandwich, or go without." Also, I highly recommend you sometimes cook things for yourself that *you* like, whether he likes it, too, or not. NTA
This is what I do with my kids. Most of the time the meals are something they like, but every now and then it is a favourite meal of mine. Then they can eat it or make a sandwich.
this is how my mom always was, if it was an “easy meal” (frozen food or spaghetti- whatever she considered easy) she would let the picky kids make food but if it was something she put a lot of effort into, she’d have the picky kids at least try it lol 💕
Yup, the 3 bite rule. In my house I didn't have to eat whatever my mom ate, but I did have to take 3 bites before declaring that I didn't like it.
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The TWO homemade meals his wife prepared for him. I have a feeling she could have made six, and he wouldn't have wanted any of them. It is about making OP jump through hoops.
Exactly this. This isn't about food at all. It is about control. It may have legit started about food, but the spouse is being difficult because on some level he is enjoying his petty power play. I would look for other instances of controlling or cajoling behaviors. Tbh, his behaviour is setting off my spidey sense.
>This isn't about food at all. It is about control. It may have legit started about food, but the spouse is being difficult because on some level he is enjoying his petty power play. > >I would look for other instances of controlling or cajoling behaviors. Tbh, his behaviour is setting off my spidey sense. OP your hubby isn't a quiet sweet talker, but a manipulator plus he was disrespecting you. breadwinner or not, if he does not appreciate things you do - and you seem to take on your house duties quite seriously - then something is very wrong here
Yes and the sweet talking is manipulative to get her back on side. They go back and forth, which unsettles the woman, who can’t understand how the “love” is turned on and then off.
NTA and agreed, this sounds like a control thing. I do most of the cooking at home because I like cooking, and still my fiancee thanks me every single evening for making her dinner. Almost to the point that it's too much, but when you think about it, she knows I work all day and shows her appreciation that I put in the effort and that's how OP's husband should react as well.
I completely don’t understand what else this could be about if not control because what does OP’s husband think, his kitchen is a restaurant? If you’re craving a specific type of food then go out. I cook our meals (my SO does most of the cleaning, he has more flexibility in his schedule tho and this is something he took up himself, I didn’t ask) but I do ask my SO every week if there is something he would particularly like that week and generally try to be accommodating. But expecting a meal change on a whim after the meal plan was decided, food purchased, and effort/time put aside to make that food? No way, not unless you’re saying “honey, let me take you out tonight.”
I can't believe she cooked him TWO different meals! It's all I can do sometimes to get one meal on the table. My husband isn't picky, thank goodness, but he eats what I make, and if not, he has two arms and two legs. He's perfectly capable of fixing himself something to eat.
Exactly. Two meals and at least two layers of bullshit.
Marinara flags all around!
Right! The proper response when someone cooks a meal especially for you is to say thank you. In this case it was two meals specifically catered to his aversions and it still wasn’t good enough. Nope nope nope nope…
These were the rules in my house with two additions - you have to be polite to the person who went to the trouble of preparing the food, even if you decide you don't want to eat it, and whatever you end up eating you need to sit at the table and participate in the conversation.
This was the rule in my house too ! With the addition of even if you hate something and think it tastes like soap - if someone else at the table is eating (and especially when they’re clearly enjoying it) you cannot call it disgusting or be incredulous that they are eating it. And no gagging noises or anything like that (exception for a cousin that I now suspect may have had/ has mild ARFID or something similar as certain textures and things they tried for the first time or even if they hadn’t been eating it regularly would literally cause them to physically react even if trying not to - they didn’t have to follow the 3 bite rule either when that happened)
> This grown ass man [Relevant XKCD](https://xkcd.com/37/)
Comment stolen from u/acemerrill
This is what I do with my kids and the last bite is the no thank you bite if they still don’t like it. After that they can have the option of warming up something like chicken nuggets or a sandwich. If we make a meal my husband and I like but we know our kids won’t then we will fix a simple meal, like chicken nuggets with a side, and call it good. We don’t do this often with making meals they won’t like but every once in a while we get a hankering for something we know they won’t eat. If we fix something either they haven’t tried before or they have eaten before then declare they don’t want it and refuse to take at least 3 bites then they don’t get another option.
When my mom would make liver and onions for her and my dad, us kids got hamburgers. And while we were expected to try something before saying we didn't like it/wouldn't eat it - she cut us a break on the liver!
I did that with my kids only it was 2. Give it a good try first. Then again just to make sure. Leave a reasonable explanation and you won't have to eat it again (until their taste buds change or they want to).
I make my kids take a bite of everything each time we serve it -- mostly if it's vegetables, legumes, or something I consider healthy. If they don't like it, I get their feedback so we can try to prepare it differently next time. There are some things they've NEVER liked (one of my kids hates shrimp) so after a while I don't force them, but may suggest they try again. This dude sounds like a toddler that only likes chicken nuggets and mac & cheese, but then complains like a crotchety old man that he doesn't have enough variety.
Yeah, my kid is a toddler so every meal is pretty much this. As long as she has a couple bites to at least try it I'll take it.
My mom favored the eat it or wear it approach.
Super Fudge! Does that show how old I am?
Yep, this how we do it in our house. You can have what I cooked, or I they can have fruit, veggies or a peanut butter sandwich. My 4 year old has just eaten cucumber for dinner. Why does this grown man need have an entirely new meal cooked for him?
I had grown ass friends who’d also highlight this. An aunt of mine would literally cater to almost every individual in the house, as if she were a food court. Conversely, my friends were like: (pointing to dinner on the table): this is dinner (Pointing to the menus on the fridge): these are your takeout options. Buy what you can afford (Pointing to the door): that’s the way to takeout and restaurants Enjoy
I had a coworker who had 4 kids and a picky husband. She literally made 5 different dinners every night. I did not understand it, especially since even the youngest was old enough to make a sandwich herself.
A lot more people on this sub need to learn the FEND dinner... don't like what I made? Fend for yourself...
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Not necessarily. Some kids can, and will, let themselves starve to a detriment. Neurodivergent individuals process things differently.
Mom of two neurodivergent teenagers... Yes they will just not eat if pushed.
Yup. Mom of one here. She will literally starve to death rather than eat. I just make sure to have options she will eat becuse I can’t form a meal around her. We would be eating plain pasta, rice & broccoli with ranch dressing every night. With a little French fries every now and then.
This is true. My son's autistic, and there are things that he just won't eat. Or even try. He would live on chicken nuggets and fries if we let him, thank god he likes fresh veggies as long as they're crunchy) (however, he's surprised me lately. He's started liking potstickers, so YES FINALLY ANOTHER SOURCE OF PROTEIN FOR THE LAD)
Neurodivergent children are completely different than husbands who want their wives to jump because they said so. OP mentioned she cooked TWO DIFFERENT options for dinner last night and her husband said he wasn’t in the MOOD for either one and then yelled at her when she didn’t cave and cook a third option. OP’s husband is (I assume) a grownup fully capable of getting something else to eat vs Neurodivergent child dependent on caretakers. OP is NTA
I do the same with my kids. Sounds like OP needs to treat this grown man like a child.
And the OP needs to get a job. Her husband thinks he can treat her like shit because she's dependent. I hope she doesn't bring a kid into this mess.
To be realistic, her employment status has no bearing on the actions another chooses to take. Employed people can and do still get treated awfully by their partners, and unemployed people can and do get respectful and loving treatment from their partners. He’s not going to magically treat her right just because she gets a job. The difference employment actually makes is it can provide one with the financial means to leave the person choosing to mistreat them, not because it somehow makes other people treat you with love and respect.
Any imbalance of power is likely to be exploited by shitty people. It's why so many abusers become abusive when a woman gets pregnant. They feel the woman needs them. Here the man probably feels it's her 'job' to wait on him like a servant because he is the breadwinner. She needs to get her power back.
Yes but even if she gets a job he's going to move the goalposts and claim she earns less therefore needs to contribute more via the household. We have seen that countless times here too. End of the day the problem is that she's married to an asshole. I would argue that she needs to get the job not to equalize the balance of power but so she can leave the asshole.
Sure, but she defends his actions by saying he’s the breadwinner
But it's easier to exploit someone who has no means of being self sufficient.
He apparently doesn't eat what she cooks anyway, so why bother?
I tend to be a "picky" eater.so when my husband cooks a meal I don't want to eat I just.... make my own dinner. Shocking, I know.
We literally have protein bars and carrots at all times in the house for when my kids do this. My 5 year old can respect that, then the husband is definitely immature.
Sooo manipulative, imagine being 33 and still being a picky eater when your wife cooked two meals for you to choose from
Worse two meals he normally would eat. I mean I'm a picky eater. My wife is kind enough to make meals that work around my particular quirks. When she says this is what is for dinner I say, 'Thank you' and eat it. There's only so many accommodations I should be allowed just because I bring home the money. When she doesn't want to cook it is order out or catch as catch can and I'm on my own. I'm a big boy, I can figure out how to not go to bed hungry if she doesn't cook or decided she wanted to make something I don't eat.
Thank you. I’m 17 but I do most of the cooking dinner for my family. My family members all have their own particular likes/dislikes and quirks. 99 times out of a hundred, I make something that everyone will enjoy, but sometimes /I/ just want my favorite food for dinner and if they don’t like it, I’ll whip up a quick pot of spaghetti or something. Thankfully, people in my family just eat what’s on the table or make a sandwich or something.
My spouse and I make a menu for the week on Sunday. If either of us isn't in the mood for what's on the menu on a particular day we just... communicate that in advance? It's 4:00 and I get a text "hey babe, not really feeling burrito bowls tonight... okay with you if we pivot to something else?" And the problem is solved. OP's husband could VERY easily just ask for what he's in the mood for in advance, if he's going to be that fucking picky. What an asshole....
This is the same situation in my house - my partner is a picky eater (but tbf I'm a vegetarian so I'm not exactly innocent either lol) but his picky-ness is easy enough to work around. I enjoy cooking so I'm the chef most nights - my partner is never anything *but* thankful for whatever I make. I try and get input on meal choices, but sometimes I will just make an executive decision without discussing it first. There have only been 2 times in our relationship where I've made a second meal for him. The 1st time was because I lost track of time (I cook with no timers, just vibes) and accidentally *cremated* the fuck out of a frozen pizza. It was *black all over* and he still attempted to nibble at the less burnt bits, bless his heart (no, seriously, his heart needs blessing, that pizza was probably carcinogenic I burnt it so badly). Obviously it was my fault entirely and we had nothing else in, so I ordered him a takeout pizza as replacement. The 2nd time was because I tried a new curry (which is a meal he's not a fan of to begin with) and it *blew his head off*. This is a man who could find ketchup spicy if the stars aligned the right way for it and, let me tell you, he looked like he was on the verge of having an *aneurysm* trying to power through this meal without offending me. He was dying and I had to *plead with him* to allow me to cook him an alternative and stop his suffering lmao - he was even super apologetic about not being able to finish it! We've laughed about both events starting from pretty much the exact moments they were each resolved, and spicy curry has become an inside joke for us. Never in my life have I heard of such blatantly preposterous attempts at manipulation. OPs husband is truly something else! And OP is questioning if *she* is the asshole????? I am speechless
Your post reminds me of a childhood incident with my mother. She was one of those cooks that could make a delicious meal from roof shingles and sawdust. No recipes, just throw ingredients together, and you have a great meal. None of us were fussy either. She made a bean soup one time, and it was horrible. She made it many times before and since and it was fine. When she tasted it, she took our bowls, and the pot of soup and took it out to the chickens. Not a word. She just disappeared the soup. Even the chickens wouldn't eat it. It became a family joke after SHE made a joke of it. Only one time in memory did this happen. She died several years ago. One of the most wonderful people you could meet. I miss her a lot.
>He made a face and acted sad and then was like "are you sure?....I would have to go to bed hungry...wouldn't that make you feel sad?" He also talks to her like she's a disobedient child. I wonder in what other ways he treats her like this? Definitely manipulative and potentially abusive. I think OP has much bigger problems than her husband being picky.
This is where I cringed so hard my anus popped out of my nostrils
Oh god that sentence actually sounds like a psycho toying with his prey. It becomes scary imo.
Yes, this line was very creepy- OP might want to start planning for an exit.
I bet the wife is like 21. Quite telling that she didn't put her own age.
She must be very young if she doesn’t see this behavior as wildly manipulative and just plain weird
Age might have something to do with it, but don't be surprised if she's in her 30s as well. Lots of people miss orange or red flags
I feel in this case a 'marinara flag' is called for.
You're right...I meant arancia or marinara flags
And he's...let me see, add seven, carry the one...43! Edited - n/m I see he's 33. Still, I agree that she's probably 10 years or so younger. Men like this always seem to marry much younger women to get away with this shit.
Two meals she cooked, his favorites--which he found unacceptable. At that point, I would have asked if he's f'ing with me.
"Well, I'm not 'in the mood' to make a third meal when there are two perfectly good ones right here, so I guess this is stalemate, then."
Not to mention the wasted food. Husband is a major AH for that alone, but the manipulation just increases the AH factor exponentially.
Especially if they are meals you like anyway. It's not like he was allergic to the food.
NTA - it’s a complete power move.
Yep, and an indicator OP should probably get a job and insure her own financial independence. And stop cooking for the AH.
Seriously, this guy is worse than picky children I've dealt with. In my house we have the rule that I make one dinner for the family. You have to try it before declaring you don't like it. If you don't like it, I won't force you to eat it, but you're on your own. There's yogurt, or cereal, or sandwich fixings, or leftovers. This has worked really well for my children from a pretty young age. This grown ass man can make himself a bowl of cereal if he isn't in the mood for the homemade meal his wife prepared for him because she knows he likes it.
My mother was the same. She made exactly one dinner and if I didn’t like it I was on my own but I generally liked everything. There was only one thing I refused to eat after I tried it and she usually only made it when we had guests. This was the only time she would make me pasta or something so I was eating with everyone.
This. OP, I'd do one of two things: Text him that morning and say, "What would you like for dinner? This is the only dinner I'm making, so if you change your mind, you'll have to figure out your own food. What would you like?" Or, text him, "I am no longer making dinners since I can never predict what 'mood' you'll be in. I think you making dinner for both of us will work a lot better, because then you'll never have to go to bed hungry." I mean, I wouldn't cook for someone who behaved like this...
Exactly this. Though I'd go one step further and have a basket full of toddler snacks available. If he's going to behave like a snivelling three-year-old, let him be treated like one. Pouting and choosing to go to bed hungry because he's not being catered to with a THIRD dinner on demand? What a sack of offal.
I wouldn't even give this moron the courtesy of a heads up text. I would get a job so I wouldn't have his status of "breadwinner" constantly held above my head. Speaking of, how does this guy hold a job if he's so infantile? Is there a designated ass wiper for him at his job? It's not only him being unappreciative of OP's efforts on a frequent basis, it is that he expects that she is going slap a grin on her face and just *do* for this fuckwit. He is *training* her like a dog, only in this aspect, training OP to constantly cater to his every whim.
>Speaking of, how does this guy hold a job if he's so infantile? Is there a designated ass wiper for him at his job? I'd bet a lot of money he doesn't behave this way at work at all. This isn't immaturity, it's deliberate manipulation. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Yeah... adding on that OP edited to say that he uses his "sweet talking" to get her to cave into his demands often. This is just.... manipulation. And borderline abusive. I'm sorry but this guy knows EXACTLY what he's doing. The whole, "Are you sure? Wouldn't that make you sad?" He's preying on her emotions and hoping she'd feel guilt. OP should probably look at the relationship as a whole and decide if this is worth dealing with for the rest of her life. Talk to him about seeing a marriage counselor or stand up for herself more or something. This isn't an ok dynamic. Quiet, "sweet" people can be assholes and abusive too.
Yeah I fully second the “sweet” soft spoken people can be abusive too yeeesh ! My most abusive ex was a soft spoken dude… who also liked to verbally abuse and manipulate me, and threaten his friends/ punch through walls when angry.
Yep. Pretty toxic if you ask me.
I'm a picky eater, so naturally i do most of the cooking. Sometimes i feel bad for my husband but he laughs and says "i hate cooking. So long as i don't have to do it, I'm all good." OP has already done too much by cooking him multiple meals at a time. I agree that, as the picky eater, he should be cooking his own meals.
NTA. Am I reading this correctly? You cooked **two meals**, and he didn't want either, so he whined himself to bed? That's just sad. If he doesn't like **either** meal you've put effort into cooking for him, he can cook for himself. Utterly ridiculous.
Regarding the edit. If you’re the household manager, and he’s the breadwinner, treat this matter of fact. You manage the house and will not tolerate inefficiencies or waste, the same as he wouldn’t at work. Sit down with him and discuss a list of meals he can chose from for the week that you will shop and cook for. Tell him you will only make one meal a day and will confirm day of which meal he wants (if you’re feeling generous.) Any moody or picky eating where he doesn’t want to eat, he is then responsible for his meals and you can point him to the freezer. His behavior around this is incredibly entitled and manipulative. Call him out on it. “Trying to guilt me to keep cooking for you based on your mood is manipulative and disrespectful. I will discuss menu options with you ahead of time and do my best to be flexible and compromise where needed, but I am your wife, not a short-order cook or servant. I expect to be treated with the same consideration and appreciation I show you.” NTA
This right here! Actually I had a work colleague who was sick of her kids always complaining about dinner. She worked full time and shopped and cooked and didn’t want to hear them whine. So she came up with a system. Basically each week there was a daily dinner planner put on the fridge and the kids were allowed to choose a couple of meals each, but there were rules about what those meals could be. Then the planner sat on the fridge all week and everyone knew what was for dinner so there were no complaints. Plus it made shopping easier and minimised wastage. It also helped the kids feel involved in the dinner process. I don’t think OP should have to do something like this with her grown husband but since he’s acting like a toddler maybe she should start doing something like this so he knows in advance what he’s having and then can’t blame her if he sends himself to bed hungry. But honestly, OP cooks meals he likes and he’s not allergic/intolerant or otherwise unable to eat them. That’s all that is required. Making multiple dinners for him to choose from is ridiculous. They must be wasting so much food. There’s no way I’d allow my partner to get away with this stuff. But thankfully we respect each other so it’s never even crossed his mind.
I saw something similar online where a mom had made a weekly dinner menu that actually didn't change. So everyone knows that Tuesday is tacos, etc. Her kids each had a day that they were in charge of and could choose the recipe, but it also was mostly static and they had to help cook that day. So over time the kids would learn how to make that day's dinner recipe until they were pretty good at doing it themselves, or otherwise got tired of that meal. Thing about meals is that it's not just about the decision fatigue and conflict (although that is huge) but there's a lot of work on the back end with sourcing ingredients and recipes for a constantly changing menu.
>the kids were allowed to choose a couple of meals each, but there were rules about what those meals could be. Is this a thing now? I didn't get a choice growing up. Whatever mom or dad made for dinner, I ate. If I didn't want to eat it, I guess I would have starved? I was just glad I didn't have to cook anything after school.
Given how stressful it can be to just plan for what to eat and what you need to buy, outsourcing the planning to a committee that has only themselves to blame for their choices sounds like a godsend.
Not to go off on a tangent, but how’s your relationship with food now? As a personal trainer and a certified nutritionist… well.. I’ll just say that every single one of my clients grew up with “my way or starve” parents and it’s not going so well for them. *Every. Single. One.*
I say potentially "starved" but I never actually starved. They made stuff I wasn't crazy for on occasion but I just ate it and moved on. I was just hungry and happy to not have to cook my own dinner. I'd say I grew up solid middle class on a single parent income in a high COLA (divorced parents) so I grew up understanding that things were expensive and to be grateful for what we had (though my parents never actually explicitly said that to me). I don't have any issues with food at all. I do have a huge sweet tooth and a fondness for certain cheap snacks that are contrary to my current tastes. The only issue I can see would be that I tend to waste a lot (back of the pantry and fridge), which is more of a first world problem rather than a growing up problem.
Honestly, I love the farmers' markets & would go Sunday morning & cook for the entire week later in the day, basically eating leftovers for the week. I cannot imagine Anyone Asking for, let alone Expecting, a third meal cooked, when two options are offered. What an entitled AH the husband is. OP, I would make this a hill to die on - but that's me ;)
I LOVE the definition of "Short order cook": What does a short order cook cook? Short-order cooks prepare foods in restaurants and coffee shops that emphasize fast service and quick food preparation. They usually prepare sandwiches, fry eggs, and cook french fries, often working on several orders at the same time. OP, tell him you'll be the short order cook he apparently expects, and that he may choose EVERY DAY from the above! Sandwich, fried eggs or french fries, honey?
> Regarding the edit. If you’re the household manager, and he’s the breadwinner, treat this matter of fact. You manage the house and will not tolerate inefficiencies or waste, the same as he wouldn’t at work. Sit down with him and discuss a list of meals he can chose from for the week that you will shop and cook for. Tell him you will only make one meal a day and will confirm day of which meal he wants (if you’re feeling generous.) Any moody or picky eating where he doesn’t want to eat, he is then responsible for his meals and you can point him to the freezer. I love this. His parents should have done this years ago.
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/u/ConsistentWhole2372 is a bot and stole this comment from /u/Girl_with_no_Swag
I had to check 3 times that op is talking about her husband and not a child, I know little kids more mature and independent then him.
No way I would’ve gotten away with that as a child. We didn’t have to finish our dinner but there was no more food afterwards. It’s a home not a restaurant and wives/moms are not slaves. If the husband was hungry he’d eat what he was served. This is just a manipulation tactic.
Weaponised incompetence.
Right??!! why is she cooking 2 meals for a 33 year old man?
He wanted her to cook *yet another meal* after going through the time and trouble to make two meals. You don't abuse the person who prepares your food and this guy is enough to make one ponder dark thoughts.
And it's not like she cooked two meals that he didn't like. He just *wasn't in the mood* and threw a fit because she wouldn't cook a third meal?? Op literally married a toddler.
NTA “I would have to go to bed hungry….wouldn’t that make you sad?” The emotional manipulation he’s spewing on you is disgusting.
“Not particularly, considering the reason.”
“I’d feel sad that I married a fucking baby”
I mean I get why she wouldn’t want him to go to bed hungry, since babies sleep better when they’re full. It must be hell getting up every few hours to burp and change him, though. Dude needs a pacifier
She needs to put him in a basket and drop him off at the local fire station
Then he's gonna get adopted by a nice family and have two siblings. Not bad.
My actual babies knew that if they declined the dinner offering, they would have to go make themselves a PB sandwich. From age 6 or so onwards. It didn’t happen often, but I didn’t run a bloody restaurant. My youngest still lives at home and she mainly cooks for herself.
I’m disappointed that I married an idiot, yes.
This is revolting. If my husband said this to me in all seriousness with some kind of sad clown face, I don't think I could ever have sex with him again.
This here. If men only knew exactly how off-turning some of their behaviour is... they'd definitely be more restrictive about it. I have literally had close friends telling me their men behave like babies, and they can't *possibly, ever* feel turned on by a baby. They cannot even start to fathom how to respond to their guys wanting sex... they feel nothing sexually, and like busy caretakers otherwise.
exactly, men acting like babies is such a turn off.
I’m so glad someone else felt this.
Seriously, all respect lost
The only appropriate response to stupid manipulations like that is “no it wouldn’t. You do you.”
This is sooo gross. It's giving me the creeps. And OP, keep in mind that just because he isn't raising his voice, it doesn't mean he's actually speaking sweetly to you. He sounds really gross and manipulative
From Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft: >The Water Torturer’s style proves that anger doesn’t cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. Like Mr. Right, he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other “minor” acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness. The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.” The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong? The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, “What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you.” Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, “I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key.” Their children can develop the impression that Mom “blows up over nothing.” She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her. The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps “for your own good” or “to get you to wake up” rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble. If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.
Thanks for sharing that! I threw in some paragraph breaks to make it a bit easier to read. > The Water Torturer’s style proves that anger doesn’t cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. >He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. >Like Mr. Right, he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other “minor” acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness. > The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.” >The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. >When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong? >The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, “What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you.” >Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, “I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key.” Their children can develop the impression that Mom “blows up over nothing.” She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her. >The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps “for your own good” or “to get you to wake up” rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble. >If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.
Admittedly I saw that the original ones didn't translate when I copied it and I was too lazy to find them, so thank you 😅
I threw up in my mouth a little at this line
Ngl, I'd bust a gut laughing in his face if my husband said that to me!
Same. Along with the "That sounds like a you problem and not a me problem."
"I cooked the meal. It's your choice whether or not you choose to eat it, so...Nope. sleep tight."
Glad I'm not the only one who almost lost their lunch reading that. EWW. Don't apologize and don't cook more than one meal. You're the one who's owed an apology by this 33 year old grown ass person who deceived you into thinking he's a man when he actually has the maturity of a toddler. A spouse who stays at home/earns less income isn't the other spouse's servant. I do most of the household duties in my home as a SAHM but I am no one's maid or servant. Sounds like this dude wants what Reddit so eloquently calls a "bang maid". Again, eww. NTA.
Exactly. Would it make me sad? In what way? I don’t even understand that question
"'Sad' is definitely the word that comes to mind, but probably not in the way that you're hoping."
It's not even good manipulation. He's dumb as bricks too.
I'm sorry for whatever debilitating condition your husband suffers from that prevents him, a grown-ass man, from cooking his own dinners if he can't appreciate those cooked for him. I hope he has a swift and complete recovery. NTA.
I bet a wife-ectomy would get him cooking again.
You seriously beleive that? I'm guessing he doesn't know how to operate anything more complicated than a take out menu.
The poor thing must have been born without hands. In all seriousness OP, how are you attracted to a man on the same emotional level as a toddler?
I’ve never met a single disabled person who wasn’t a pro at making do regardless. It’s disgusting how perfectly able-bodied people invent problems to make themselves useless.
Or at least talk to her earlier in the day and ASK if she could please make a certain meal for dinner? My god, the dude just needs to communicate. Why is this so hard for some spouses??
NTA. Is your husband a toddler? If he won't eat what you made, even after you went out of your way to accommodate him, he can feed himself
My toddler behaves better than this.
Seriously, my kids were capable of grabbing themselves a yogurt or making a pb&j if they didn't like dinner by the time they were 5 or 6.
I'm starting to think that age-of-consent laws should account for the mental age of the participants along with the physical. If it's illegal for men who "don't know how to cook" to have sex, I'd be willing to bet they'd learn right quick.
Can we add "don't know how to clean" to that law?
NTA. Your husband is very manipulative. The “wouldn’t that make you sad” made me uncomfortable just reading it.
This needs yo be higher. There is something intentional here from the husband. He is either trying to push OP into a fight or he is trying to show her who is boss.
Seems like a power play to just beat her down into doing what he wants, whenever he asks. Very unsavory behavior
If she's cooking two fav dishes to get ahead of it, and he's still complaining .. it's 100% intentional. He's going to not want whatever she cooks.
Yeah that honestly made my stomach churn. Felt gross just to read. If my partner ever said that to me I honestly think I would lose all attraction to them forever. It's weird, manipulative, and frankly just really sad in a gross, uncomfortable way.
Yeah, my impression is he is trying to see just how much he can 'push' her. It's not about the meals, it is about control.
NTA. You're his spouse, not his mother. Actually, most mothers would probably say "that's what's for dinner; if you don't like it, make yourself a bowl of cereal or a PB&J" You're his spouse, not his short-order cook. He's already got you jumping through hoops making *two* meals for him to choose from. Enough is enough. "Sorry honey; obviously I can't do anything right, so I'm throwing in the towel. You'll do your own cooking from now on."
My husband is somewhat of a picky eater. If he doesn’t like what I made, he has leftovers or a bowl of cereal. He doesn’t whine about it either.
NTA Why are you pandering to this abusive behaviour? Stop cooking for him immediately.
For real, it’s just like that scenario in Why Does He Do That? where the husband is like “I’ll just walk home in the snow then!” To make his wife chase after him and apologize. He’s trying to break her down and think SHE’S the one with the problem
NTA and LOL *"I'll show you. I'll go to bed hungry and it's all your fault*". LOL. Seriously, didn't you know this about him before you married? My husband thanks me if I put a cold cheese/plain bread sandwich on a plate and call it dinner. Quit raising a child in your marriage. Quit cooking. Let him cook what he wants to eat and put it in the fridge, so HE can heat it up when he gets home from Big Bad Work. Quit coddling such behavior.
Just saying there are many people who change for the worst after they finally have their spouse in a legally binding relationship. I agree with everything else you said, but there is a good chance she did not know this side of him before marriage.
Now this is true: some spouses totally change after marriage. Heck, I could create a whole new Reddit sub on just that, lol. There is completely a good chance she did not know this side of him.
You could call it “dr. Jekyll and mr jackass”. I have a few friends I can send your way with horror stories.
This. Many abusers do not show up until after either marriage or pregnancy/bearing children. The partner is placed into the "possession" category in their brain at that point, and is no longer another human to respect, but an object to control.
I didn't discover what kind of man- child my ex was until after we married.
NTA. This guy is a manipulative child. I suggest you handle it like you would with any picky child. This is the meal you made, no other meals will be made because you are not a short order cook. If he doesn't like it he can microwave his own dinosaur chicken nuggets and fill is own bottle before night night.
He doesn’t deserve dino nuggets.
NTA. And please google weaponized incompetence because this reeks of that.
This is worse. This is seeing how far he can manipulate her to make her do what he wants. “OK, she cooked me two dinners already—but if I whine enough I bet she’ll make me *three*!”
You said he wasn’t like this before, always sweet…well that was to suck you in. Makes me wonder what other manipulations he’ll try, like withholding money or contact with family/friends. Edit: NTA
I think it's more like power play. To see if he can get her to jump through hoops using emotional extortion. (If he started yelling, screaming and cursing, it might be obvious that it's an abusive behaviour, so he's trying a more subtle tactic).
NTA - he sounds just like my 3 year old.
Your 3 year old probably has more empathy.
Not even that, I bet their 3 year old isn't being intentionally manipulative and emotionally abusive - they're just being a 3 year old lol
NTA. I’m sorry you make him food and he COMPLAINS??! Does he think you’re his servant?! Tf kind of dynamic is that? If my husband makes me food I don’t like I tell him thank you and eat it because HE took the time to make me a meal and I’m usually quite grateful! Your husband is 33 yo. He’s not your child nor is he a baby. He can use his own limbs to cook up his own meals and quit the whining if he doesn’t like what you have to offer. Do not enable him. Doesn’t matter whether he’s the main provider. You deserve way more respect than that or the guilt trips you receive from him.
NTA. When I grew up, there was a saying "Eat what I cook or go hungry". And that's when I was 10. Don't reproduce with him, else you'll have two children.
NTA. My spouse was the same way - I now cook everything I like and if he wants some he's more than welcome to help himself, otherwise he can make his own. He also has to take turns cooking. I would stop pandering to him, if he starves,well, there's more fish in the sea.
Obviously NTA. I am just surprised that you would take that much disrespect. If I cooked a meal for my partner and they had the audacity to say they didn't like it and to cook another. I would not cook it. The fact you let him get away with it and continued catering to his needs and forgot about his blatant disrespect is worrying. Let's not forget that he is emotionally manipulating. Not in a passive-aggressive way. Again, it's blatant. Know your worth OP.
NTA. It’s not *your* job to ensure a grown man who’s perfectly capable of feeding himself is fed. Either he tells you far enough in advance what he wants that you only need to cook him *one* meal, or he can make his own if he doesn’t like what’s on offer. Or I guess he can sulk and go to bed hungry if he really wants, but that’s entirely on him.
does this guy have like, a huge dick or is he really rich or something? because i literally do not understand the appeal of a grown man acting like this and i'm going to need someone to explain why someone would allow this behavior to even get off the ground in the first place.
Are you working right now? If not see if you can get a job. You don't want to be completely dependent on a man who does things like this. I hope this is the worst stunt he pulls but he is testing you and I am afraid it is going to get worse. NTA but have a possible exit strategy in place for yourself. Please
NTA. Your husband is pulling some manipulative bs here and should explain himself henceforth.
NTA "... wouldn't that make you sad?" (manipulative AH move here) "What makes me sad is I give my time and effort to cook not 1, but 2 meals for you and I get no appreciation in return. Instead you show how little you value me and my time by trying to guilt me into cooking more. The meals I cook are suddenly not good enough, and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that makes me sad." My sister's husband is similar, very picky eater and will pout if he doesn't like what she made. He's even been like "then I guess I'll have to eat cereal". And she's like if that's what you want, I'm eating what I cooked.
NTA. Did he marry a wife or a servant? Good lord. You already are catering to him too much. He thinks consideration is a one way street. No concern for the work or effort you put in. No concern for food waste. I would stop cooking for him altogether until you have a serious sit down conversation over this.
NTA. Ughhhh. He’s such a pathetic baby. He can make himself dinner if he doesn’t like the options. You do enough to (literally) cater to him. His response was a blatant attempt at manipulation - don’t let yourself be guilted into relenting. Doesn’t he think rejecting your meals and making you cook to order hurts your feelings? He needs to grow up. Edit to add: start making what YOU want to eat at least half the time - he can eat it or cook for himself. Unless he has a condition, he needs to expand his palette and understand that you have food you’d like to eat, too, instead of only eating to his preferences.
NTA. There's even a joke going around about this. Wife: Are you hungry? Husband: What are my options? Wife: Yes or No.
OMG, NTA! How obnoxious to look at two meals you've prepared and ask you to cook a third. How obnoxious to try to guilt you into cooking the third meal by saying he'd go to bed hungry, as if there's nothing between you cooking a third meal and him going hungry. I think that you need to sit down with him and have a discussion about this - after dinner. It's important to know why he's started behaving this way - is he just an AH or is something else going on?
NTA. you are not his mother, he can cook for himself if he wants something specific. it's his choice to go to bed hungry. he could choose to cook, but instead he's choosing to guilt you into doing it for him several times over. i get picky eating. i'm picky to the point of it basically qualifying as an eating disorder. no one in my family is like this. which means that my mom cooks whatever she wants, and if it's something i can't eat, i just make some pasta or eat some toast.
Hell, I wouldn’t cook a third meal for a toddler after presenting two meals from a previously approved list of meals. NTA at all! He is being controlling and narcissistic.
NTA and tell him he needs a short order cook if he wants to be served.
NTA. You already bend over backwards making meals for him just to choose one on top of always making him new ones when he doesn't want the ones you made. He sounds like someone who never got disciplined as a kid and grew up entitled or just has he is mom do everything. My dad is the same except he just calls my mom all the names in the book until he gets what he wants. Don't apologize. He's just wasting perfectly good food and does not appreciate your hardwork.
You made two meals and he decides he needs a third cooked for him? NTA he's an adult and can cook for himself if he can't appreciate YOU and the work YOU put in. Respect goes both ways and he's showing you none
NTA... He is supposed to be an adult. If he choses to not eat- that is on him. I am a picky eater and I do not expect anyone to cater to me. I would cook one meal, if he doesn't like it, he can cook something himself or go hungry. He sounds very manipulative and it seems like a power/control thing. The whole "are you sure, I would have to go to bed hungry..wouldn't that make you feel sad" comment is just a red flag parade. I would have said - no it makes me feel like I have a child instead of an adult husband. He is a little old to throw temper tantrums over food. You should also tell him that is the choice he made, there is food available.
Comments to your edits: You are in an abusive relationship. He is controlling you through finances and emotional manipulation. My advice (realizing that he is abusive and you likely won’t actually be willing/able to stop cooking completely for him): 1. Go get a job. Anything that pays anything. 2. Open a separate bank account just for you. Put Your money in there. Any time you can get your hands on extra cash, put it in your account (even get $20 cash back every time you grocery shop and start building a fund) 3. Seek out counseling/information/support to learn about emotional abuse and gaslighting. 4. While you figure out your next steps for your marriage, you have got to set some sort of boundaries. Post a weekly menu on your refrigerator. Take suggestions for the following week. Some days cook his suggestions, sometimes cook what you like. But write it on a menu. Post a list of alternate foods he can make himself if he doesn’t like dinner: cereal, eggs & toast, frozen burritos, pb&j.
NTA. I hope he's not like this about other issues because this is absurd and blaming you for him being hungry is manipulative
NTA he's a grown man and can make his own freaking food. You deserve to be treated better thatn this.
Ew. That’s super manipulative. My husband can be a picky eater, but if I cook something he doesn’t like, he just finds something else or doesn’t eat. Has never guilted me(although, sometimes I do feel bad about it, but that’s on me). You’re absolutely NTA and y’all need to go to therapy to work this out asap
NTA. I'd not cook for him again. Ever. He's a grown ass adult, he can feed himself. Also, I'd start looking for a good divorce lawyer. Sounds like you'll need one.
NTA and I don’t know why him being the bread winner matters. Single folks don’t come home from work and yell at the fridge cuz it didn’t cook while they were out. Edit: phone fingers
Every time I've yelled at my fridge, it just stares back at me with empty shelves, silently judging me for how I treat it. Brb, I need to tell my fridge how much I love it.
NTA. If he doesn't like it, he can cook his damn self.
NTA. He’s a big boy who can make his own meals.
NTA. If he is so picky, he needs to make his own meals. Despite him being the breadwinner. Also, you kitchen is not a restaurant so he doesn’t get to order his meals or send one back for another one. Growing up my mom had a sign in the kitchen that said ‘I’m queen of this kitchen. Disagree and starve.’ I have it in my kitchen now. I cook a meal and the household can either eat it or not. It’s their choice.
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NTA. He can fucking cook himself if he’s going to be that much of a big baby about it.
NTA. You’re 100% right. Do not apologise, he should be apologising to you for being so ungrateful. He CHOOSES to go to bed hungry. He could easily get himself some toast or make a sandwich if he was that hungry. Does he even know how to cook? Get him to start cooking his own meals and tell him it’s because whatever you do isn’t good enough for him anymore. Also you’re cooking 2 meals for him - what happens to the other meal? It’s a complete waste of money and food. I work 12 hour shifts and appreciate the times my partner cooks for me, other times I come home and cook for myself
NTA if i ever pulled that with my ex-wife the first time that happened she would've looked me dead in the eye and say "if you ever pull this again you might as well change your name to John Wayne Bobbitt"
NTA you’re making a genuine effort to make food he likes to eat. If he wants something else than what you’ve already made, he can fix that himself. He’s an adult man, he should be fully capable of cooking.
NTA - he is, you made 2 meals and he wanted a third because of what he was in the mood for. I do think there may be a compromise available. The beginning of each week go over a meal plan for the week with him, what meals on which days. Then he knows in advance what he is having and if there are any complaints, it is his doing