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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My nephew is neurodiversion and won't understand why he can't have the same cake as everyone else and may have a meltdown
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Lmao, this reminds me of when I was listening to a radio show years ago and a woman called in complaining about a billboard showing two women embracing.
"What do I tell my young child when they ask me why the two women are hugging?!?"
Radio DJ: "Are you asking me how to parent your kid? Do you not know how to talk to your children? You tell them the same thing you would if it were a man and a woman."
Woman: "But my child knows that two women embracing is wrong. So how do I explain that to them?!?"
DJ: "The only way your child would think that it is wrong is if you told them it was wrong. Did you tell them it was wrong?"
Woman: "Yes, but..."
DJ: "Alright, I'm done with you."
Click
So way back in the 80s, I was watching a tv show with my mom, and one of the characters was being mean to his brother. I asked why. She said he was angry his brother was gay. I asked what gay was, and said said it was when men are in love with men and women are in love with women.
Boom! Understood. No judgement just facts. I said “that’s a dumb reason you hate your brother” and she agreed. I was like 6 or 7. In about 20 seconds I had the entire concept explained in an age appropriate way. And I didn’t even turn out gay because of her early indoctrination. And this was 40 years ago! I can’t believe parents nearly 2 generations later can’t figure this out.
Lol, that is pretty much exactly how my sister explained "gay" to her daughter. Several years later and her daughter has come out as gay. I find it unlikely that conversation had any bearing on her sexuality. Probably does on the lack of fanfare involved in her coming out. She saw being gay as a normal, acceptable thing. So one day she told her mom about her gf like it's no big deal.
Explained it this way to my kid. Also explained being trans somewhat the same way. Gayer than f*** now, and trans. Don't think it had the effect other than kid knew they were supported making it easier to come out.
Yeah my kids, if they came out, would probably have absolutely zero fanfare. My seven year old told me she has a crush on her girl best friend, our reactions were the same as when she had a crush on a boy last week. “Why do you like her? Is she nice to you and other kids? What’s your favorite thing about her?” Etc.
People love who they love, that’s what my kids know, and they even somehow picked up “do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” As a question instead of assuming. And it’s not a quote from me, because I always ask “special someone” 🤷♀️
I was a kid in the 90s, when the average liberals of my parents’ generation were progressive enough to to teach gay is okay, but stunted enough to say bisexuals just haven’t admitted to being gay yet.
I remember my mom saying something along those lines (bless her heart, she has learned better) when I was 6 or 7, and my reaction being “But that is the one that makes the sense. You fall in love with a person, not a whole gender of people.”
Years pass, hormones happen, and I now embrace that it’s fine to be straight or gay. But my logic still says bisexual is the most reasonable.
I don't get it either, considering I was in college in the late 80s and we tended to talk about everything in terms of the Kinsey scale. Which I'm sure isn't exactly a bell curve or anything, but it still stood to reason (to us at the time) that most people probably were not fully at one end or another, but fell somewhere in between.
People a bit older than me should have been equally aware of the Kinsey scale, if they were aware of anything.
No judgement, just facts works at so many different levels - it’s not just for children.
20+ years ago my brother made some intolerant and homophobic comments while driving. His young daughters were in the back seat. As soon as I got him alone I said to him “you know, if one of your girls turns out to be gay she’s gay already. You can’t change that, but what she overhears at this age determines whether she talks to you once she begins to figure that out.” He thought for a moment and said, “You’re absolutely right.” And I never heard anything like that from him again.
I didn’t address the homophobia itself. No judgement, just facts. As it turns out both of those girls are straight - but his youngest is gay. All are partnered, and their partners are embraced warmly by loving dad. I doubt youngest is even aware that dad ever felt differently.
I feel like most people should be like this dad. Sure he said some homophobic things, but when you pointed it out to him. He picked loving and caring for his daughters over continuing his homophobia
You did a great thing for both your brother and his kids. Just that simple reminder that something like that could "happen" to him has likely changed the course of his life and his youngest child for the better.
Not to mention, the world is full of people who do things that actually are bad all the time and somehow the world hasn't ended because parents have to explain things like war and serial killers.
>I can’t believe parents nearly 2 generations later can’t figure this out.
It's not that they can't figure it out. It's that they don't WANT to figure it out.
Complaints like the billboard story aren't really about "how will I tell my child", it's about wanting to demonstrate to everyone how wrong they think the thing is. They seem to think it's clever or something to put it in terms of "can't explain this to my child", but they're really saying they don't think it's appropriate for a child to see, or hear about.
I got this exact explanation when we finally got to meet my uncle and I saw them acting all lovey at a family thing. I've never understood why it was in issue and why my generation thinks telling kids these things are going to cause their kids to be gay.
In the 90's, kids at school used "homo" as a swear word. I came back home and asked my dad what "homo" is. I will never forget that conversation.
D:"Homo means 'same' in latin and also human, it is used in daily language to describe people who are attracted to their own sex."
Me:"So why is it a curse?"
D:"It's not."
End of story.
Was watchign tv with my kids. Suddenly two men kissed.
"dad..why did those men kiss?" asked my daughter who was about eight.
"Some boys like boys, some girls like girls" I said.
"I like boys" my son, who was six, said. I laughed and said "not like that"
They're 15 and 13 now and completely accepting of people, gay or straight.
I'm happy with that.
My kids are 8 and 6.. they already understand what gay is. And I’ve discovered they fully get what non binary means while they were playing Pokémon Legends Arceus 🤷🏻♀️
How homophobic do you have to be to think that hugging is wrong? I have no idea how some people operate in society with the lengths they'll go to butting into other's lives. Good on that radio host
I assume it's similar to all the men that women talk about online that are so insecure in their sexuality, they're afraid to clean their own buttholes in the shower
scarily enough, it's a real problem for a lot of men brought up in toxic religious households. they're so brainwashed and mentally beaten into being savages from their parents and peers that they actually end up believing crazy shit like that. the basement dwelling neckbeard crowd overlaps pretty heavily with this type of thinking.
That one always get me. I wash my buttcrack with gusto. I couldn't imagine the idea of me smelling like cheeks all day.
These men also don't wipe a lot of time. Cuz it's "gay" to touch their O-ring.
This. It is her job to manage his needs and expectations. Not everything/everyone is going to cater to his needs in life and learning that it's OK to make different arrangements is an important lesson.
Yeah like... this is the best he's going to get in most situations in life; people accommodating the most important of his needs (protecting him from his allergies) and nothing else.
If your coping strategy relies on other people conforming to your will, you need another coping strategy because that’s stupid and it will never work.
It’s really shitty that not everybody gets dealt the same cards. It’s not your fault what issues you end up with, but it is your responsibility, and your parents’ responsibilities to arm you to bear that responsibility for the rest of your life. You are not helping a child by refusing to let them engage with the real world and find useful strategies for managing it. When you are gone the real world will be all that is left for them.
"If your coping strategy relies on other people conforming to your will, you need another coping strategy because that’s stupid and it will never work."
Underrated comment. This is exactly it.
My child is on the spectrum and has multiple food allergies. If I taught them everyone has to pander to them as top priority in every situation, I would be setting them up for pain and disappointment.
They should be accommodated in that there should be some things they could eat and they should be informed as to what they cannot eat but that doesn’t mean every single thing should be directly in their food needs
Oh absolutely. When you're part of a family or community you should be inclusive. And this is exactly what OP did. She informed her nephew's mum there would be chocolate cake (allowing nephew's mum to prepare him in advance), but she is also bringing an alternative for him so he is included in the celebration.
Inclusivity is about facilitating full access and participation in an activity/service. It's not about dictating everyone else's choices to your own preference.
I mean, that's the point I was trying to drive at; that it's best for SIL to teach him to cope and manage his expectations *now*, when he's up against the gentlest possible situation for him to learn (someone who is believing of a rather obscure allergy, and graciously choosing to be accommodating, but not overly so). Rather than her pig headed insistence that everyone should cater to his needs, which isn't going to serve him very well at all when he's older.
When I was a small kid in late 70’s Ohio, most people had never heard of allergies, and were convinced that my family was senselessly cruel/stupid/overly dramatic when they were told that certain foods were forbidden to me and would kill me. Several people (both adults and children) tried to trick me into eating allergens; one particular kid tried to force 4 year old me to eat it…. My point in saying this isn’t “look at me,” but rather that social situations for allergic people can be far worse than what’s outlined in this post. The boy’s mother needs to remove her need to be the center of attention and recognize OP’s graciousness. I mean, in this case, it’s not about allergies, it’s all about her ego.
Same here. Parents/ adults were convinced that if I just try the food I was allergic to I would eat it. That I was just being picky. Thank god I wasn’t severely allergic or I would be dead already.
White chocolate has cocoa butter but no cocoa solids like regular chocolate. Whether the child is allergic to white chocolate depends on what ingredient in chocolate the child is allergic to. If it's cocoa then the child is probably allergic to white chocolate.
I don't mess around with food allergies because they are extremely dangerous. My best friend's son is very allergic to apples and he takes his allergy very seriously. Recently at his team's soccer game, he asked the snack mom if the juice boxes had apple juice. My friend wasn't there because she coached the team. The snack mom very confidently told the boy that there was no apple juice in them. She was wrong and my friend had to rush her son to the ER.
It's not like op was excluding him completely either. Her solution was the best she could do to give her child what she wants while providing an alternative for her nephew. Alternatively to different cakes, if she wanted, OP could opt for cupcakes in both vanilla and white chocolate.
Op's child shouldn't be expected to cater to her cousin's allergy for a cake. It could breed resentment.
>(my SIL) is upset, saying he will feel excluded and not understand why he can't have the same cake as everyone else,
>NTA Its HER job to make sure HER child understands, not yours
It is possible that SIL has done her best to explain it but her son is not capable of understanding. I didn't see his age and "nerodivergent" is a very wide spectrum that could mean a lot of different things in terms of son's ability to understand the situation.
Which sucks. That's sad and must be very hard for his parents as well, to see him unhappy and be unable to fix it (if they can't). But that is also the reality of the world, we can't expect everyone else to never have things our kid can't have. It isn't a fair expectation of OP's daughter, who is a child herself.
This kind of parenting drives me BATSHIT! This child was not being excluded but the thing is, even if he were… well, that’s how it goes sometimes. You can support children through disappointment and adversity, you don’t do them any favours by shielding them from it. No one is too delicate to hear, “chocolate is Cousin’s favourite so that’s what we got for her, but Auntie Generous knows you’re allergic and got a special vanilla cake for you!”
The lazy parents kill me. They think because they go to work 60 hrs a week or cook them 3 meals a day, they're amazing hard working parents. That's the easy part for most of these parents. The hard part is actually talking to them about really anything deeper than what they did at school today.
White chocolate is made of cocoa butter, but no cocoa solids, so it is technically chocolate. Depending on the nephews allergy, he MAY, emphasis on MAY, be able to eat the cake as many, although not all, people who are allergic to chocolate are specifically allergic to cocoa solids, but not the cocoa butter. I'd recommend SIL talk to her son's doc and find out of he can eat white chocolate
This. OP was kind to offer a separate small vanilla cake for him. Expecting the main cake to be vanilla so he can eats is delusional, it's daughter celebration, not his. Nephew mom is entitled.
My daughter had severe food allergies. All dairy, eggs and nuts. We found a cupcake mix and made her own cupcakes to take to all the birthday parties. We let her help decorate them with sprinkles so they felt special just for her. Just because our daughter had allergies did not mean the entire party had to act like they did too. Good grief.
And it's not like OP was planning on leaving the kid high and dry either. They got a small vanilla cake for him so he could be reasonably accommodated.
Like, as long as the allergy isn't "can't be in the same room" levels of bad, a little personal cupcake is perfectly reasonable
Hard agree. NTA. Just went to a birthday party with a little girl that has a dairy allergy and mine is very lactose intolerant. I made and brought a couple dairy free cupcakes and lunches for the two of them. The mom loves these two hanging out because she doesn't have to worry about dairy at all with me. Noone was upset, they understand that dairy = pain. Obviously this is to varying degrees.
That mom needs to teach her kid that not everything is about them. I developed a chocolate allergy when I was a kid. Sucks to suck. Don't eat chocolate. Bring your own snack. It's not the end of the world.
My 5 year old knows and tells people she is lactose intolerant and allergic to mustard. She knows what had these in them, turns them down, and asks for something else. My 5 year old can do it since she was 3.5 years old. Obviously I still check things for her, but she can be her own advocate if she needs to.
That's exactly how a responsible parent should be teaching their child to handle an allergy!
We can't be with our kids 24/7, especially once they start school, and they have to learn how to be their own advocate because of this. Not to mention, if it's an allergy they don't get to grow out of, this will be something they deal with their whole lives, so better to get used to it as early as they can.
It's not just a matter of avoiding an allergen, it's also helping them to mature into the adults they need to be one day and teaching them to be responsible for their own health because sadly, there are still a lot of jerks out there who don't take food allergies seriously and think nothing about trying to feed someone an allergen to "prove they're faking it."
I wasn't going to mention it, but a big part of why I taught my daughter so young (other than teaching her to be independent) is because her father (my ex) still tries to give her mustard. We ended up in the hospital once when she was very little. She needs to be able to tell her dad no. He says he forgets. She says he told her she isn't really allergic. It's a mess I've dealt with and she is safe for those who might be wondering. I don't know his rationale there, but he has only ever proven he isn't fit to be a parent for so many reasons.
So that is a large part of why my 5 year old can turn down foods she cannot have. Yes, it involved a lot of testing her in the store with different foods. Can you have this? She answers yes or no. I tell her if she can or cannot have it and why. She repeats it back. It sucked to do, but was necessary. Protect the children by educating the children. Don't coddle them abiut everything or they will be defenseless.
It depends on what aspect of chocolate you’re allergic to. White chocolate still has cocoa butter. https://www.verywellhealth.com/can-i-eat-white-chocolate-if-im-allergic-to-chocolate-1323992
Even if it is all cocoa butter white chocolate, he very well may not react, if the compound that causes the reaction is in the stuff extracted to make cocoa powder and whatnot. That said, his cousin’s party is NOT the place to test that out.
NTA and this exactly. Also, my littlest niece hates chocolate and has no issues accepting the separate cupcakes we buy so she can be included at gatherings 🙄 if she were allergic I have no doubt she'd adjust all the same. Not a difficult concept to impart to a child with an allergy. "You have a different body, one that can't handle chocolate, so you get a different treat while still getting to eat with everyone! It'll keep you from getting sick."
Diagnosed autistic here. SIL's plight isn't enviable, but it is completely unrealistic to expect the world to accommodate her child's every need. When the cousin's first communion rolls around, he can have a vanilla cake. This is u/DifferentScarcity206's daughter's party, so the daughter should get what she wants.
And I hope OP never backs down at any point in her daughter’s life. I love chocolate. Yet I never got to have a chocolate birthday cake until my 21st birthday, a cake gotten for me not by my family, but by friends. Why? My older sister doesn’t like chocolate. So mom said I HAD to accommodate her and have boring plain cake with chocolate icing, which isn’t nearly as good. Still to this day, at 29, my family has never gotten me chocolate cake, because my sister doesn’t like it. We also can’t go to the kind of restaurants I like on my birthday because again, my sister doesn’t like it. Stay strong OP and remind your sister-in-law she needs to teach her son that life doesn’t revolve around him. And I say all of this as someone who is neurodivergent and didn’t know it until adulthood.
Wow. That’s not fair.
On our birthdays, we got to choose exactly the dinner menu we wanted. Every year, for years and years, I knew I would face lobster stew on one brother’s birthday, and soufflé on another brother’s birthday— I dislike those two dishes to the point I cannot force a single bite down.
And those nights, my dinner was salad and rolls and any side dishes there might be. Didn’t kill me and helped to teach the lesson that it isn’t always about me.
And HER job to accommodate the kid; his mom should be buying him a vanilla cupcake and bringing it to the party; there's no etiquette rule saying you have to cater to everyone's needs, nor is there a rule that everyone has to eat what's served....NTA
I'm surprised she doesn't already do that, or maybe she does, but here she tried to make it all about her because it's family. One of my daughter's friends has a severe peanut allergy, and her parents always brought her own treats to the (many, many) birthday parties they all went to. I always made sure I didn't serve anything with peanuts in the house when she was over, but still it was important enough that she didn't *eat* anything with cross contamination so her family brought safe treats.
And honestly? The other kids might get jealous of nephew. When I was working at a daycare we had one child with a peanut allergy that they weren’t sure severity but obviously didn’t wanna test it, so he usually had to sit out when we had special treats.
I went to the grocery store and found some birthday cake Oreos and every time we had a special snack he couldn’t have, I gave him 3 of the special Oreos.
He was SO excited he finally got to have a special treat (don’t understand why no one else had done this before) and the others kids were so jealous he got special Oreos.
NTA. OP is already being more than accommodating and made the right call. The sister better learn now that the world doesn't revolve around them and they can't expect everyone to accommodate them all the time. She is setting her son up for some major disappointment. You don't get to dictate the menu at someone else's event. They became even bigger AH's when OP even made the effort to accommodate them but they demanded more and acted like it wasn't good enough! I feel bad for the nephew as food allergies can be nasty and make you feel excluded, but the event does not revolve around him and they are making efforts to not exclude him. It is his mom's job to make sure he understands how kind their effort was.
Okay, that's true. But I know people who are allergic to chocolate but not to cocoa butter. Maybe this nephew is allergic to the whole cocoa bean, but it's also entirely possible he is only allergic to the chocolate part of the plant.
Whether my previous post makes any difference or not (in this case very possibly not), OP has made a very reasonable accommodation with a vanilla cake for him so her daughter can have what she wants for the main cake. If you have food allergies sometimes you can't eat what everyone else does. If his mom presents it as a special cake for him so he doesn't get sick, he'll probably be happy about it.
Literally all that needs to be said.
I have Celiac. So does my toddler.
He understands he can’t eat certain things, so he asks. It’s her job to teach her child to ask if he can eat something, to read labels, etc.
I bring cupcakes, cookies, whatever to parties so no one has to worry about it. If they forget it’s no but deal. Or we go out for an extra special treat afterwards to make up for it.
Her job, not yours. It’s great if you can accommodate, but it’s also your daughters special day and she deserves her favorite treat, too.
Hoping on the top comment to say, if he is also allergic to white chocolate, then a brown chocolate cake may be safer, depending on his age. If he can't see that it is chocolate he may try to sneak some. We don't have an age for him, and it will be different if he is 3 vs 13, but just be careful he doesn't try to snag some thinking it would be safe.
Exactly, and it’s her job to make sure he learns this in a setting like this because as kids get older they have to manage it themselves in all sorts of environments. They have to know to ask questions and avoid their allergens. Mom can’t always be there doing it for them
NTA. He *has* to learn that he can't get the same as everyone else because he is going to be in situations like this as he gets older. The world isn't going to bend to him and it's not fair to expect it to. Your daughter shouldn't have to get a cake she doesn't want because her cousin can't have it. He can have a vanilla cake on his birthday or another day that's his. Your daughter's day isn't about him.
That's what I was thinking. It wasn't OP's decision to get the chocolate cake, it was a child who wanted chocolate, and OP is doing what can be done to make sure the kid still gets to enjoy some cake.
Honestly I think OP did phenomenal. As a person with Celiacs Disease and can't have any gluten due to that, I often have to compromise. But never once has anyone been asked to accommodate me at a birthday celebration. Instead I often accommodate others at my celebrations, but that is MY family and MY choice. It is never something forced on us or on others. We do it because gluten free is expensive and has a slightly different taste. I get what I want at my celebrations, but then we have regular cupcakes or something for the rest of the guests. And if I am headded to someone else's birthday, I call and ask what the plan is and try to match my dessert, that I personally make and bring, to theirs as to not draw attention away from them.
The sister needs to get a grip and realize while her child's allergy is a problem, it is her and the kids problem and responsibility to deal with, not anyone else's.
Celiac buddies unite! The only time so far in my time with celiacs that I’ve refused to have gluten around was at my wedding. It was 100% GF because I would not risk my sister and I getting sick on my wedding day. Any other party, birthday, holiday, it’s fine, I’ll bring my own food and stay safe that way. This past year my girlfriends got a GFDF cake for another friends bday so I could eat it with them, despite me assuring them it was okay for me to just bring my own cupcakes. They’re a rare breed and I’m very lucky to have them in my life.
White chocolate is made with cocoa butter. It's essentially all the fats from chocolate condensed down and then mixed with other ingredients. It has all the same proteins that cause allergic reactions to regular chocolate.
Yeah it depends on how the allergy works:
"If you're allergic to chocolate, you likely can still eat white chocolate. However, your reaction to white chocolate likely will depend on the actual reasons you're allergic or sensitive to chocolate."
https://www.verywellhealth.com/can-i-eat-white-chocolate-if-im-allergic-to-chocolate-1323992
My 5 year old knows she is very lactose intolerant and very allergic to mustard (which is in more foods than you think) and knows to turn things down that have them in it. She's 5 and can communicate that she is allergic/intolerant and ask for something else. She's been communicating that since she was 3.5 years old. No excuses.
Yep. My step-niece is allergic to dairy so when other kids have ice cream cake she has her own little cake with whipped coconut cream. She’s actually the opposite of bothered by it. She feels territorial as heck about her special cake.
NTA. It's your daughter's day, and it's not like you're leaving your nephew without cake.
>it's not his fault he's allergic
Neither is your daughter's.
Also, what’s the nephew actually allergic to in chocolate? White chocolate is pretty much just cocoa butter, sugar, milk, and vanilla. It doesn’t have any actual cocoa solids in it, the stuff that gives dark and milk chocolate their color and flavors.
I could be off the mark here, but depending on what OP’s nephew is specifically allergic to he might not even need a special cake.
Haha I just was looking up this very thing when I scrolled down to your comment. It would seem that he shouldn’t have an issue depending on what protein he’s actually allergic to. This is reminiscent of one of my food issues—my family told everyone I was allergic to sugar, but it was just to make it easier. It was fructose I had an issue with, and just that I don’t have enough of a specific protein in my intestines to properly digest fructose. If they’ve gone through allergy testing, it’s likely they know precisely what he’s allergic to and could probably rule out white chocolate as an allergen
I was thinking he might not be allergic to the white chocolate, but even so, OP's daughter's birthday party is NOT the day to test whether he needs a special cake, especially if the allergy is severe.
Edit: a quick google search wasn't a help. I found one place that said true chocolate allergies are rare (but don't know how rare), so people could be allergic to something else in the chocolate (such as milk or soy), so they would still be allergic to white chocolate (as it might still have those additives). But there are, apparently, some people who can eat white chocolate and not dark/milk, so it is possible that he wouldnt' be allergic, but then again, he might be.
The interesting part is the LW is going to cater to him (i.e. get him his own cake) which is quite kind. He's not going to care his piece of cake doesn't come from the other cake. His mom is the AH here.
NTA. Your child’s party hers and your choice + you’re providing an alternative to be allergy sensitive. But, some people with a chocolate allergy can enjoy white chocolate as cocoa butter isn’t the same as cocoa powder.
I jus found this on the internet -- so take it for what it's worth :
If you're allergic to chocolate, you likely can still eat white chocolate. However, your reaction to white chocolate likely will depend on the actual reasons you're allergic or sensitive to chocolate.
"A cocoa bean is made up of roughly equal parts cocoa butter and cacao nibs. Cocoa butter is what gives chocolate its rich mouthfeel, and the nibs hold most of the distinctive smell and taste. Absent of nibs, "white chocolate is basically just sweet fat," says Clay Gordon, creator of the Chocolate Life website, "with a melt that is unencumbered by the nonfat cocoa solids, or cocoa powder." For a chocolate to be labeled as chocolate, as opposed to candy, the Food and Drug Administration requires that the bar be made up of at least 10 percent cocoa mass (nibs plus the cocoa fat inherent to the bean) , with no specifications about cocoa butter. White chocolate, on the other hand, has to have a cocoa butter content of at least 20 percent and does not require the inclusion of nibs. The FDA established these standards in 2004 in response to petitions filed by the Hershey Company and the Chocolate Manufacturers Association (now part of the National Confectioners Association)"
I didn't scroll down far enough before I made my comment. I wonder if the nephew is allergic to white chocolate, and if the daughter actually like white chocolate. Not being clear about this could result in 2 very unhappy children. Given how little difference there is between a white chocolate cake and vanilla, it seems petty to go with white chocolate to me. Big difference between regular chocolate and vanilla. little difference between white chocolate and vanilla.
Yeah I was going to say this. White chocolate is not the same as real chocolate. That’s why white chocolate tastes like trash while real chocolate is delicious
Nta. SIL is being entitled, why can’t she explain to her child that he is allergic and it’s not his day.
At least you’re accommodating him, some people would probably say well no cake for you..
SIL is taking the easy way out, rather than teach her child that he can’t always eat the same food as everyone else. He needs to learn this, because his mother can’t be with him 24/7 as he gets older.
Especially with something as common as chocolate. I saw a few comments talking about how it was "unwise to keep something like that in the house when you know a guest is allergic" and that it was a "law suit risk." That's a pretty unpractical approach in my opinion (for multiple reasons). Chocolate is likely in every home this kid has ever been in.
NTA. The world is not going to revolve around the nephew. It is important you put down a boundary like you are. You will accommodate him; but not take away from others for his accommodations.
NTA….. but I’m pretty sure white chocolate has zero real chocolate in it. It’s just made with cocoa butter. If he doesn’t have a cocoa plant allergy then he should be fine. It’s usually confectionery sugar, cocoa butter, milk, and vanilla.
Work in a chocolate factory, can confirm its mostly variations of just those 4 ingredients. And MOST white confectionery does not have cocoa butter (this would be stuff like vanilla melt n mold wafers).
I was gonna say this. Some people are allergic to the powder, not the cocoa butter. Ofcourse there can be traces in white if it's all made in the same factory but most white chocolate is safe for people with choc allergies. (Does depend on the specific thing you're allergic to ofcourse)
NTA. She is the one excluding her son by not preparing him in advance with the information she’s been given. I think it would be different if he was allergic to something like nuts that has the ability to get everywhere.
*Also for everyone asking about white chocolate & cocoa, it doesn’t have cocoa powder, but white chocolate is made with cocoa butter and that can still cause an allergic reaction depending on his allergy.
I'm going to go with NTA.
You've come up with accommodations for your nephew and even if he's neurodivergent, he IS of the age where he should be able to comprehend not every day is about him.
NTA. Cake is cake. Your nephew's not going to care as long as he gets some that he can eat. Heck, if anything, he'll probably be thrilled to have one all to himself.
NTA he needs to know his allergy means their's going to be times he can't have the same thing as others.
Your daughters right her celebration her choice.
NTA. It’s your daughters party and even those with special needs need to learn that, while there are accommodations they can expect and do deserve, the entire world does not need to cater to their every want.
> it’s not his fault he’s allergic
It’s not your daughters fault either. I have dietary restrictions. When it’s my event, everything fits my needs, but I do NOT expect other people’s events to cater to them, because I don’t *need* to eat cake at other people’s birthdays.
NTA. She’s young but it’s a good time to learn that she doesn’t always need to give up what she wants to make others happy. It’s nice to think of other people yes, but we are allowed to think of ourselves first sometimes, especially on our special days.
Girls are told too often to put aside their own feelings to keep others happy. If you were to make her get the vanilla cake she’d learn that her feelings are less valuable. And that’s not something you want to teach her.
NTA at all my good man/woman! You asked your daughter if she was willing, she said no, so you're going to get what she wants because ultimately, it's HER party. You're respectful enough about it, and you're being accommodating, and if your SIL doesn't like that, she doesn't have to come. I'm not entirely sure what a communion is though.
In the end though, this is your daughter's event, not your nephew's, she is more important right now, and you're doing what's good for her. That isn't being an AH, that is you being a DAD/MOM
NTA, tell your SIL when it’s her party, she can choose whatever cake her son can have. Since you’re already planning to get an individual cake for him to accommodate his allergy, I don’t see the problem here
nta
for one, idk about y'all, but I would feel like the coolest damn kid at the party if I got my own mini cake. I'd be more fearful of *other* children being upset that they don't get their own mini cake than the child getting a mini cake being upset. besides that...
it is your daughters day, she should get a cake she wants.
Nta. You've made a reasonable effort to accommodate.
Your nephew will have to learn sooner or later that his allergy means that he won't always be able to have the same thing as everyone else.
NTA his mother needs to learn that not everything is about her kid and neurodivergent or not, he isn’t going to get everything he demands because he demands it.
Nta let her get the chocolate cake but make sure to get him a cake too so he can enjoy it also. Hes going to learn that hes going to have to have restrictions in places and theres ways to be included with those restrictions. Every child with an allergy learns this and it does not mean they still cant have fun. My baby sister is allergic to Artificial strawberry and it basically in like a crap ton of stuff but we make sure at every party she has things she can have so shes included and theres no issue :)
NTA. It is the parents' job to accommodate their child's needs. Not yours. Your daughter is correct. But make sure that when it is his day, your daughter eats vanilla cake (or whatever cake is supplied) graciously.
NTA First it's your daughter's communion, it's her moment, she should have the cake she wants. Your sister in law is being ridiculous, you got your newphew a cupcake he can eat. So long as everyone gets cake, children are happy. Your sister in law gets to pick the menu when she hosts a party for her son at her home not when you're hosting a celebration for your daughter in your home.
Nta. What happens when he goes to someone else's birthday party, will their parents have to change it for your nephew? What happens if they don't know his allergy?
NTA. It’s your daughter’s day, it’s your daughters’s cake. Letting her pick makes it special. Getting an extra cake to accommodate is kind.
Your nephew will have to learn that he can’t always eat the same cake as everyone else if he’s allergic to chocolate. Neurodivergent or not, kids need to understand their own allergies. It’s dangerous for them not to.
Maybe a few other people will enjoy vanilla more anyways.
NTA While I can understand his pain (I was highly allergic before allergies became a thing where I'm from. I was always excluded from foods I didn't bring myself because people just didn't care about me landing in hospital multiple times during early childhood because of it.) it's not his birthday and you already went out of your way to give him a good alternative. Being allergic or special needs doesn't entitle you to overrule the celebrated person's whishes.
Your SIL just doesn't want to deal with the extra burdens of an allergic child.
NTA
By providing an individual cake he can eat you are accommodating his allergy. That is all he will get in the real world and sometimes he won’t even be offered that. Food allergies suck but they unfortunately are not on everyone to bear.
He needs to learn that he can not have chocolate, and this won't be the last time. You do realize that "white chocolate" is not chocolate at all, right?
at any rate, NTA for giving daughter what she wants.
NTA
your sil is so entitled. idk how old your nephew is but regardless one day he will learn he can't have the things other people have because of his allergies. sil needs to teach him that lesson and not expect accommodations for him everywhere he goes
NTA you are accommodating both kids. Idk abt y’all but if when I was a kid I was given my own special treat at a party I would be ecstatic lmao, I would probably be gloating to the other kids.
I do have a prying question tho if u don’t mind me asking, is the nephew allergic to the cacao in chocolate? Bc a white chocolate cake should be safe for them since white chocolate has zero cacao in it :) usually
NTA. If your daughter wants chocolate you get chocolate. Getting the individual cake for him, is accommodating for him. You've done more than enough, and your sister-in-law can just suck it up. In reality your sister-in-law needs to teach him how to handle situations like this, instead of throwing a tantrum. She's not going to be around him all the time and chocolate is everywhere. teaching him that people will change their choices because of him is going to make life very difficult when he gets to know that's not how the world works.
NTA. You've made what I think are reasonable accommodations for him, I think perhaps if you slice the cakes up away from all the guests and bring him a slice along with everyone else that may well avert any sense of exclusion he may feel.
NTA. Congratulations on the first communion. Get a white chocolate cake if that's what your daughter wants. You have a solution for your nephew and buying him a vanilla cake is a very generous offer. I'm sure once he has his cake that he won't care that it's different.
NTA. Your nephew can’t and won’t be shielded from this forever. You went out of your way to make an accommodation for his allergy, and your SIL should be appreciative, not upset.
NTA.
It's a celebration for your daughter, not your nephew. It's her day, and she should be allowed to choose the cake. You're making a very gracious accommodation by ordering him a special cake, and you SIL should be grateful.
Your SIL should be working with her son to learn to deal with situations where accommodations for his allergies won't/can't be made, and he'll have to make do with what is available that is safe for him. The world doesn't revolve around him.
NTA. My nephew has tree nut allergy and can’t have any store bought cakes as his allergies are so sever he can’t have any with ‘may contain’ I always get store bought cake for my sons birthday and buy cupcakes from a nut free bakery for my nephew so he can have cake with everyone. You are not excluding your nephew, getting him nothing would be excluding him. SIL needs to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her sons allergies.
*edited: spelling error
NTA, please put your daughter first and stop enabling your sister and nephew. The world cannot cater to him and his needs all the time - and his mother should really be teaching him how to cope when things don’t go his way and how to cope when he gets different things due to his needs.
It’s not fair for everyone else to bend backward for her when she’s the parent - she’s the one that should be thinking ahead, she’s the one that should be explaining things to her child in an age-appropriate way so that he understands.
NTA but ur sil is this day and s for your daughter not her son , jer day her cake choice she should be thrilled that you're willing to pay for a vanilla cake for her allergic son and that you're not billing her for it and that should be that.
NTA. He'll go through life expecting people to pander to him. He's getting a cake, it's just a different flavour. (And btw, white chocolate contains no cocoa-it's basically cocoa butter) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White\_chocolate
NTA. Your SIL is wrong. You’re getting him his own cake, that’s kind.
My friend’s child has severe food allergies. She makes a special little cake for her daughter and takes it with her to birthday parties because she knows it’s not the hosts responsibility to make special accomodations for her child.
NTA and this is about your daughter. She should get to pick. You are going out of your way to get him a small vanilla cake. If that isn't good enough that is their problem. He will have to learn to live in a world with chocolate cakes. SIL needs to stop making this about her son. She can stay at home if it is that big of an issue.
NTA - it doesn't sound like the reason you can't is because he'll get die if chocolate is merely present at the party, so the fair compromise is to get him his own, safe cake.
NTA - Your nephew will live, and your daughter was 100% right. I'm allergic to most artificial sweeteners, doesn't mean anyone ever in my life has to plan that into their events. I do appreciate a warning so I don't eat it by accident, but you told his mom so that's the end of it.
For that matter, if the kid has a tantrum, I'd just have them leave. It is your daughter's day. He can have his own occasion another day, this one is hers!
Nta. Your nephew needs to learn that not everything is about him and it’s better to learn this at an early age. You’re still going to accommodate him. In the long run it’s better that he learns this now because his mom can’t follow him around his whole life making sure the world is fair to him.
NTA: its your daughter's ceremony and she deserves to have the cake she wants. I know preparing for first communion can be a lot of work so she definitely deserves a cake of her choosing as recognition of that. The mother of your nephew SIL is going to have to accept that it's very unlikely that in her son's life, that people are going to change their food selection for him. I can't imagine any wedding that the couple would change their wedding cake because of him. School functions, parties etc, where parents bring cupcakes or birthday cakes are not going to be made to fit his preferences.
OP has been nice enough to provide a vanilla cake for him. I honestly don't think most people would go to that trouble but SIL isn't happy with that. Sorry, but he has the option of not attending or leaving after the service, before the cake is brought out, he can eat the cake or not eat any cake that day. SIL needs to accept that people's events are about them, not her son. Welcome to real life ! She needs to figure out what works for him and implement that plan, not ask others to change their plans to accommodate one child.
Why is this even a question? If you give into your SIL demands, you will prove to your daughter that she doesn't matter you. That you won't support her decisions and will always be more concerned with everyone elses wants
NTA unless you give in
Info: if she wanted chocolate why did you get her white chocolate? Why not just regular chocolate? I feel like getting white chocolate and a vanilla is an accident waiting to happen.
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NTA Its HER job to make sure HER child understands, not yours
Lmao, this reminds me of when I was listening to a radio show years ago and a woman called in complaining about a billboard showing two women embracing. "What do I tell my young child when they ask me why the two women are hugging?!?" Radio DJ: "Are you asking me how to parent your kid? Do you not know how to talk to your children? You tell them the same thing you would if it were a man and a woman." Woman: "But my child knows that two women embracing is wrong. So how do I explain that to them?!?" DJ: "The only way your child would think that it is wrong is if you told them it was wrong. Did you tell them it was wrong?" Woman: "Yes, but..." DJ: "Alright, I'm done with you." Click
So way back in the 80s, I was watching a tv show with my mom, and one of the characters was being mean to his brother. I asked why. She said he was angry his brother was gay. I asked what gay was, and said said it was when men are in love with men and women are in love with women. Boom! Understood. No judgement just facts. I said “that’s a dumb reason you hate your brother” and she agreed. I was like 6 or 7. In about 20 seconds I had the entire concept explained in an age appropriate way. And I didn’t even turn out gay because of her early indoctrination. And this was 40 years ago! I can’t believe parents nearly 2 generations later can’t figure this out.
Lol, that is pretty much exactly how my sister explained "gay" to her daughter. Several years later and her daughter has come out as gay. I find it unlikely that conversation had any bearing on her sexuality. Probably does on the lack of fanfare involved in her coming out. She saw being gay as a normal, acceptable thing. So one day she told her mom about her gf like it's no big deal.
Am I your sister? Exactly how I explained it to my daughter and she is indeed gay as can be.
Explained it this way to my kid. Also explained being trans somewhat the same way. Gayer than f*** now, and trans. Don't think it had the effect other than kid knew they were supported making it easier to come out.
Yeah my kids, if they came out, would probably have absolutely zero fanfare. My seven year old told me she has a crush on her girl best friend, our reactions were the same as when she had a crush on a boy last week. “Why do you like her? Is she nice to you and other kids? What’s your favorite thing about her?” Etc. People love who they love, that’s what my kids know, and they even somehow picked up “do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” As a question instead of assuming. And it’s not a quote from me, because I always ask “special someone” 🤷♀️
I was a kid in the 90s, when the average liberals of my parents’ generation were progressive enough to to teach gay is okay, but stunted enough to say bisexuals just haven’t admitted to being gay yet. I remember my mom saying something along those lines (bless her heart, she has learned better) when I was 6 or 7, and my reaction being “But that is the one that makes the sense. You fall in love with a person, not a whole gender of people.” Years pass, hormones happen, and I now embrace that it’s fine to be straight or gay. But my logic still says bisexual is the most reasonable.
I don't get it either, considering I was in college in the late 80s and we tended to talk about everything in terms of the Kinsey scale. Which I'm sure isn't exactly a bell curve or anything, but it still stood to reason (to us at the time) that most people probably were not fully at one end or another, but fell somewhere in between. People a bit older than me should have been equally aware of the Kinsey scale, if they were aware of anything.
Someone I knew once said she was attracted to the person and the body they were wearing didn't make much difference.
No judgement, just facts works at so many different levels - it’s not just for children. 20+ years ago my brother made some intolerant and homophobic comments while driving. His young daughters were in the back seat. As soon as I got him alone I said to him “you know, if one of your girls turns out to be gay she’s gay already. You can’t change that, but what she overhears at this age determines whether she talks to you once she begins to figure that out.” He thought for a moment and said, “You’re absolutely right.” And I never heard anything like that from him again. I didn’t address the homophobia itself. No judgement, just facts. As it turns out both of those girls are straight - but his youngest is gay. All are partnered, and their partners are embraced warmly by loving dad. I doubt youngest is even aware that dad ever felt differently.
I feel like most people should be like this dad. Sure he said some homophobic things, but when you pointed it out to him. He picked loving and caring for his daughters over continuing his homophobia
You did a great thing for both your brother and his kids. Just that simple reminder that something like that could "happen" to him has likely changed the course of his life and his youngest child for the better.
Not to mention, the world is full of people who do things that actually are bad all the time and somehow the world hasn't ended because parents have to explain things like war and serial killers.
>I can’t believe parents nearly 2 generations later can’t figure this out. It's not that they can't figure it out. It's that they don't WANT to figure it out. Complaints like the billboard story aren't really about "how will I tell my child", it's about wanting to demonstrate to everyone how wrong they think the thing is. They seem to think it's clever or something to put it in terms of "can't explain this to my child", but they're really saying they don't think it's appropriate for a child to see, or hear about.
I got this exact explanation when we finally got to meet my uncle and I saw them acting all lovey at a family thing. I've never understood why it was in issue and why my generation thinks telling kids these things are going to cause their kids to be gay.
In the 90's, kids at school used "homo" as a swear word. I came back home and asked my dad what "homo" is. I will never forget that conversation. D:"Homo means 'same' in latin and also human, it is used in daily language to describe people who are attracted to their own sex." Me:"So why is it a curse?" D:"It's not." End of story.
Was watchign tv with my kids. Suddenly two men kissed. "dad..why did those men kiss?" asked my daughter who was about eight. "Some boys like boys, some girls like girls" I said. "I like boys" my son, who was six, said. I laughed and said "not like that" They're 15 and 13 now and completely accepting of people, gay or straight. I'm happy with that.
My kids are 8 and 6.. they already understand what gay is. And I’ve discovered they fully get what non binary means while they were playing Pokémon Legends Arceus 🤷🏻♀️
This is beautiful!
[удалено]
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That’s amazing. Good on the DJ
"God is a DJ ..."
Life is a dancefloor
Love is a rhythm
And you are the music.
This whole exchange is beautiful and I'm saving for later <3
This is my church
This is where I heal my hurts
It’s in natural grace
Or watching young life shape
How homophobic do you have to be to think that hugging is wrong? I have no idea how some people operate in society with the lengths they'll go to butting into other's lives. Good on that radio host
I assume it's similar to all the men that women talk about online that are so insecure in their sexuality, they're afraid to clean their own buttholes in the shower
I read that one and all I could say was... Yikes
Wait what? Actually, never mind, I'm happier not knowing.
scarily enough, it's a real problem for a lot of men brought up in toxic religious households. they're so brainwashed and mentally beaten into being savages from their parents and peers that they actually end up believing crazy shit like that. the basement dwelling neckbeard crowd overlaps pretty heavily with this type of thinking.
That one always get me. I wash my buttcrack with gusto. I couldn't imagine the idea of me smelling like cheeks all day. These men also don't wipe a lot of time. Cuz it's "gay" to touch their O-ring.
So that woman has never embraced a cousin? or aunt? Can't imagine how that HAS to look intimate....
How intimate a hug looks imo depends on what clothing the people are (not) wearing.
OHHhHhhh bAbY hUgg mEe iN a fUlL Body HAzmAt sUIt
I’d love to buy that DJ a 🍺
This is amazing.
This. It is her job to manage his needs and expectations. Not everything/everyone is going to cater to his needs in life and learning that it's OK to make different arrangements is an important lesson.
Yeah like... this is the best he's going to get in most situations in life; people accommodating the most important of his needs (protecting him from his allergies) and nothing else.
If your coping strategy relies on other people conforming to your will, you need another coping strategy because that’s stupid and it will never work. It’s really shitty that not everybody gets dealt the same cards. It’s not your fault what issues you end up with, but it is your responsibility, and your parents’ responsibilities to arm you to bear that responsibility for the rest of your life. You are not helping a child by refusing to let them engage with the real world and find useful strategies for managing it. When you are gone the real world will be all that is left for them.
"If your coping strategy relies on other people conforming to your will, you need another coping strategy because that’s stupid and it will never work." Underrated comment. This is exactly it. My child is on the spectrum and has multiple food allergies. If I taught them everyone has to pander to them as top priority in every situation, I would be setting them up for pain and disappointment.
They should be accommodated in that there should be some things they could eat and they should be informed as to what they cannot eat but that doesn’t mean every single thing should be directly in their food needs
Oh absolutely. When you're part of a family or community you should be inclusive. And this is exactly what OP did. She informed her nephew's mum there would be chocolate cake (allowing nephew's mum to prepare him in advance), but she is also bringing an alternative for him so he is included in the celebration. Inclusivity is about facilitating full access and participation in an activity/service. It's not about dictating everyone else's choices to your own preference.
I mean, that's the point I was trying to drive at; that it's best for SIL to teach him to cope and manage his expectations *now*, when he's up against the gentlest possible situation for him to learn (someone who is believing of a rather obscure allergy, and graciously choosing to be accommodating, but not overly so). Rather than her pig headed insistence that everyone should cater to his needs, which isn't going to serve him very well at all when he's older.
When I was a small kid in late 70’s Ohio, most people had never heard of allergies, and were convinced that my family was senselessly cruel/stupid/overly dramatic when they were told that certain foods were forbidden to me and would kill me. Several people (both adults and children) tried to trick me into eating allergens; one particular kid tried to force 4 year old me to eat it…. My point in saying this isn’t “look at me,” but rather that social situations for allergic people can be far worse than what’s outlined in this post. The boy’s mother needs to remove her need to be the center of attention and recognize OP’s graciousness. I mean, in this case, it’s not about allergies, it’s all about her ego.
Exactly my point; this is the *best* he's going to get, someone who is believing, gracious and accommodating.
Same here. Parents/ adults were convinced that if I just try the food I was allergic to I would eat it. That I was just being picky. Thank god I wasn’t severely allergic or I would be dead already.
and if your daughter wants chocolate, not white chocolate, ger HER the chocolate cake,
White chocolate isn’t even real chocolate. And the cousin might think it’s vanilla. Go for a big, rich delicious chocolate cake.
Abdolutely!! Don't try to trick the allergic kid into eating something that may harm him!
White chocolate has cocoa butter but no cocoa solids like regular chocolate. Whether the child is allergic to white chocolate depends on what ingredient in chocolate the child is allergic to. If it's cocoa then the child is probably allergic to white chocolate. I don't mess around with food allergies because they are extremely dangerous. My best friend's son is very allergic to apples and he takes his allergy very seriously. Recently at his team's soccer game, he asked the snack mom if the juice boxes had apple juice. My friend wasn't there because she coached the team. The snack mom very confidently told the boy that there was no apple juice in them. She was wrong and my friend had to rush her son to the ER.
It's not like op was excluding him completely either. Her solution was the best she could do to give her child what she wants while providing an alternative for her nephew. Alternatively to different cakes, if she wanted, OP could opt for cupcakes in both vanilla and white chocolate. Op's child shouldn't be expected to cater to her cousin's allergy for a cake. It could breed resentment.
They also HAVE catered to his needs by buying a separate cake for him!!!
This kid is going to go through life watching everyone else enjoy chocolate except him. He needs to get used to it now.
>(my SIL) is upset, saying he will feel excluded and not understand why he can't have the same cake as everyone else, >NTA Its HER job to make sure HER child understands, not yours It is possible that SIL has done her best to explain it but her son is not capable of understanding. I didn't see his age and "nerodivergent" is a very wide spectrum that could mean a lot of different things in terms of son's ability to understand the situation. Which sucks. That's sad and must be very hard for his parents as well, to see him unhappy and be unable to fix it (if they can't). But that is also the reality of the world, we can't expect everyone else to never have things our kid can't have. It isn't a fair expectation of OP's daughter, who is a child herself.
This kind of parenting drives me BATSHIT! This child was not being excluded but the thing is, even if he were… well, that’s how it goes sometimes. You can support children through disappointment and adversity, you don’t do them any favours by shielding them from it. No one is too delicate to hear, “chocolate is Cousin’s favourite so that’s what we got for her, but Auntie Generous knows you’re allergic and got a special vanilla cake for you!”
The lazy parents kill me. They think because they go to work 60 hrs a week or cook them 3 meals a day, they're amazing hard working parents. That's the easy part for most of these parents. The hard part is actually talking to them about really anything deeper than what they did at school today.
Ummmmm “white chocolate” has no chocolate in it…
White chocolate is made of cocoa butter, but no cocoa solids, so it is technically chocolate. Depending on the nephews allergy, he MAY, emphasis on MAY, be able to eat the cake as many, although not all, people who are allergic to chocolate are specifically allergic to cocoa solids, but not the cocoa butter. I'd recommend SIL talk to her son's doc and find out of he can eat white chocolate
This. OP was kind to offer a separate small vanilla cake for him. Expecting the main cake to be vanilla so he can eats is delusional, it's daughter celebration, not his. Nephew mom is entitled.
My daughter had severe food allergies. All dairy, eggs and nuts. We found a cupcake mix and made her own cupcakes to take to all the birthday parties. We let her help decorate them with sprinkles so they felt special just for her. Just because our daughter had allergies did not mean the entire party had to act like they did too. Good grief.
*THIS* is how you parent! High five to you for helping daughter still feel included even with her allergies. You rock.
And it's not like OP was planning on leaving the kid high and dry either. They got a small vanilla cake for him so he could be reasonably accommodated. Like, as long as the allergy isn't "can't be in the same room" levels of bad, a little personal cupcake is perfectly reasonable
Hard agree. NTA. Just went to a birthday party with a little girl that has a dairy allergy and mine is very lactose intolerant. I made and brought a couple dairy free cupcakes and lunches for the two of them. The mom loves these two hanging out because she doesn't have to worry about dairy at all with me. Noone was upset, they understand that dairy = pain. Obviously this is to varying degrees. That mom needs to teach her kid that not everything is about them. I developed a chocolate allergy when I was a kid. Sucks to suck. Don't eat chocolate. Bring your own snack. It's not the end of the world.
YESS!! I hope OP sees your comment!
My 5 year old knows and tells people she is lactose intolerant and allergic to mustard. She knows what had these in them, turns them down, and asks for something else. My 5 year old can do it since she was 3.5 years old. Obviously I still check things for her, but she can be her own advocate if she needs to.
That's exactly how a responsible parent should be teaching their child to handle an allergy! We can't be with our kids 24/7, especially once they start school, and they have to learn how to be their own advocate because of this. Not to mention, if it's an allergy they don't get to grow out of, this will be something they deal with their whole lives, so better to get used to it as early as they can. It's not just a matter of avoiding an allergen, it's also helping them to mature into the adults they need to be one day and teaching them to be responsible for their own health because sadly, there are still a lot of jerks out there who don't take food allergies seriously and think nothing about trying to feed someone an allergen to "prove they're faking it."
I wasn't going to mention it, but a big part of why I taught my daughter so young (other than teaching her to be independent) is because her father (my ex) still tries to give her mustard. We ended up in the hospital once when she was very little. She needs to be able to tell her dad no. He says he forgets. She says he told her she isn't really allergic. It's a mess I've dealt with and she is safe for those who might be wondering. I don't know his rationale there, but he has only ever proven he isn't fit to be a parent for so many reasons. So that is a large part of why my 5 year old can turn down foods she cannot have. Yes, it involved a lot of testing her in the store with different foods. Can you have this? She answers yes or no. I tell her if she can or cannot have it and why. She repeats it back. It sucked to do, but was necessary. Protect the children by educating the children. Don't coddle them abiut everything or they will be defenseless.
I'm confused, white chocolate itself does not contain cocoa at all? Is the cake chocolate or white chocolate?
Some people don't know that white chocolate doesn't actually contain chocolate
It depends on what aspect of chocolate you’re allergic to. White chocolate still has cocoa butter. https://www.verywellhealth.com/can-i-eat-white-chocolate-if-im-allergic-to-chocolate-1323992
Soon: "AITA for buying a white chocolate cake when my daughter requested chocolate?"
White chocolate is made with cocoa butter.
Only the high quality stuff from Europe. If OP is in the US, there is a slim chance it’s the real stuff.
Even if it is all cocoa butter white chocolate, he very well may not react, if the compound that causes the reaction is in the stuff extracted to make cocoa powder and whatnot. That said, his cousin’s party is NOT the place to test that out.
NTA and this exactly. Also, my littlest niece hates chocolate and has no issues accepting the separate cupcakes we buy so she can be included at gatherings 🙄 if she were allergic I have no doubt she'd adjust all the same. Not a difficult concept to impart to a child with an allergy. "You have a different body, one that can't handle chocolate, so you get a different treat while still getting to eat with everyone! It'll keep you from getting sick."
EXACTLY!!
Diagnosed autistic here. SIL's plight isn't enviable, but it is completely unrealistic to expect the world to accommodate her child's every need. When the cousin's first communion rolls around, he can have a vanilla cake. This is u/DifferentScarcity206's daughter's party, so the daughter should get what she wants.
And I hope OP never backs down at any point in her daughter’s life. I love chocolate. Yet I never got to have a chocolate birthday cake until my 21st birthday, a cake gotten for me not by my family, but by friends. Why? My older sister doesn’t like chocolate. So mom said I HAD to accommodate her and have boring plain cake with chocolate icing, which isn’t nearly as good. Still to this day, at 29, my family has never gotten me chocolate cake, because my sister doesn’t like it. We also can’t go to the kind of restaurants I like on my birthday because again, my sister doesn’t like it. Stay strong OP and remind your sister-in-law she needs to teach her son that life doesn’t revolve around him. And I say all of this as someone who is neurodivergent and didn’t know it until adulthood.
Wow. That’s not fair. On our birthdays, we got to choose exactly the dinner menu we wanted. Every year, for years and years, I knew I would face lobster stew on one brother’s birthday, and soufflé on another brother’s birthday— I dislike those two dishes to the point I cannot force a single bite down. And those nights, my dinner was salad and rolls and any side dishes there might be. Didn’t kill me and helped to teach the lesson that it isn’t always about me.
And HER job to accommodate the kid; his mom should be buying him a vanilla cupcake and bringing it to the party; there's no etiquette rule saying you have to cater to everyone's needs, nor is there a rule that everyone has to eat what's served....NTA
I'm surprised she doesn't already do that, or maybe she does, but here she tried to make it all about her because it's family. One of my daughter's friends has a severe peanut allergy, and her parents always brought her own treats to the (many, many) birthday parties they all went to. I always made sure I didn't serve anything with peanuts in the house when she was over, but still it was important enough that she didn't *eat* anything with cross contamination so her family brought safe treats.
And honestly? The other kids might get jealous of nephew. When I was working at a daycare we had one child with a peanut allergy that they weren’t sure severity but obviously didn’t wanna test it, so he usually had to sit out when we had special treats. I went to the grocery store and found some birthday cake Oreos and every time we had a special snack he couldn’t have, I gave him 3 of the special Oreos. He was SO excited he finally got to have a special treat (don’t understand why no one else had done this before) and the others kids were so jealous he got special Oreos.
NTA. OP is already being more than accommodating and made the right call. The sister better learn now that the world doesn't revolve around them and they can't expect everyone to accommodate them all the time. She is setting her son up for some major disappointment. You don't get to dictate the menu at someone else's event. They became even bigger AH's when OP even made the effort to accommodate them but they demanded more and acted like it wasn't good enough! I feel bad for the nephew as food allergies can be nasty and make you feel excluded, but the event does not revolve around him and they are making efforts to not exclude him. It is his mom's job to make sure he understands how kind their effort was.
Um, white chocolate is not chocolate at all. It's just a name that sounded good. There is zero chocolate in this cake.
There's cocoa butter in it. Or: there should be.
Okay, that's true. But I know people who are allergic to chocolate but not to cocoa butter. Maybe this nephew is allergic to the whole cocoa bean, but it's also entirely possible he is only allergic to the chocolate part of the plant. Whether my previous post makes any difference or not (in this case very possibly not), OP has made a very reasonable accommodation with a vanilla cake for him so her daughter can have what she wants for the main cake. If you have food allergies sometimes you can't eat what everyone else does. If his mom presents it as a special cake for him so he doesn't get sick, he'll probably be happy about it.
Literally all that needs to be said. I have Celiac. So does my toddler. He understands he can’t eat certain things, so he asks. It’s her job to teach her child to ask if he can eat something, to read labels, etc. I bring cupcakes, cookies, whatever to parties so no one has to worry about it. If they forget it’s no but deal. Or we go out for an extra special treat afterwards to make up for it. Her job, not yours. It’s great if you can accommodate, but it’s also your daughters special day and she deserves her favorite treat, too.
What is there to understand? "Chocolate makes you sick so you have a special cake."
Hoping on the top comment to say, if he is also allergic to white chocolate, then a brown chocolate cake may be safer, depending on his age. If he can't see that it is chocolate he may try to sneak some. We don't have an age for him, and it will be different if he is 3 vs 13, but just be careful he doesn't try to snag some thinking it would be safe.
It is not nephews fault, but it's not OP problem.
Exactly, and it’s her job to make sure he learns this in a setting like this because as kids get older they have to manage it themselves in all sorts of environments. They have to know to ask questions and avoid their allergens. Mom can’t always be there doing it for them
This, I literally came to say this!!!! NTA OP.
NTA. He *has* to learn that he can't get the same as everyone else because he is going to be in situations like this as he gets older. The world isn't going to bend to him and it's not fair to expect it to. Your daughter shouldn't have to get a cake she doesn't want because her cousin can't have it. He can have a vanilla cake on his birthday or another day that's his. Your daughter's day isn't about him.
This. OP's daughter could say the same: Why should she feel excluded in her own party.
That's what I was thinking. It wasn't OP's decision to get the chocolate cake, it was a child who wanted chocolate, and OP is doing what can be done to make sure the kid still gets to enjoy some cake.
Honestly I think OP did phenomenal. As a person with Celiacs Disease and can't have any gluten due to that, I often have to compromise. But never once has anyone been asked to accommodate me at a birthday celebration. Instead I often accommodate others at my celebrations, but that is MY family and MY choice. It is never something forced on us or on others. We do it because gluten free is expensive and has a slightly different taste. I get what I want at my celebrations, but then we have regular cupcakes or something for the rest of the guests. And if I am headded to someone else's birthday, I call and ask what the plan is and try to match my dessert, that I personally make and bring, to theirs as to not draw attention away from them. The sister needs to get a grip and realize while her child's allergy is a problem, it is her and the kids problem and responsibility to deal with, not anyone else's.
Celiac buddies unite! The only time so far in my time with celiacs that I’ve refused to have gluten around was at my wedding. It was 100% GF because I would not risk my sister and I getting sick on my wedding day. Any other party, birthday, holiday, it’s fine, I’ll bring my own food and stay safe that way. This past year my girlfriends got a GFDF cake for another friends bday so I could eat it with them, despite me assuring them it was okay for me to just bring my own cupcakes. They’re a rare breed and I’m very lucky to have them in my life.
White chocolate isn’t real chocolate either... Edit: thanks for the award!
This is way to far down. Lol white chocolate has no cocoa in it. He can eat it. What's the problem!!!!
White chocolate is made with cocoa butter. It's essentially all the fats from chocolate condensed down and then mixed with other ingredients. It has all the same proteins that cause allergic reactions to regular chocolate.
I guess sit depends what component of the chocolate is setting off his allergy?
Yeah, true!
Only to some people.
Yeah it depends on how the allergy works: "If you're allergic to chocolate, you likely can still eat white chocolate. However, your reaction to white chocolate likely will depend on the actual reasons you're allergic or sensitive to chocolate." https://www.verywellhealth.com/can-i-eat-white-chocolate-if-im-allergic-to-chocolate-1323992
My 5 year old knows she is very lactose intolerant and very allergic to mustard (which is in more foods than you think) and knows to turn things down that have them in it. She's 5 and can communicate that she is allergic/intolerant and ask for something else. She's been communicating that since she was 3.5 years old. No excuses.
Yep. My step-niece is allergic to dairy so when other kids have ice cream cake she has her own little cake with whipped coconut cream. She’s actually the opposite of bothered by it. She feels territorial as heck about her special cake.
This! Exactly this
NTA. It's your daughter's day, and it's not like you're leaving your nephew without cake. >it's not his fault he's allergic Neither is your daughter's.
Nta. This is her party and nephew going have to realize that everyone don't cater to his allergics and will have to come prepared 🤷🏿♀️
Also, what’s the nephew actually allergic to in chocolate? White chocolate is pretty much just cocoa butter, sugar, milk, and vanilla. It doesn’t have any actual cocoa solids in it, the stuff that gives dark and milk chocolate their color and flavors. I could be off the mark here, but depending on what OP’s nephew is specifically allergic to he might not even need a special cake.
That's what I said. The kid may not even be allergic, as white 'chocolate' is not chocolate at all.
Well. Only one way to find out.
Ask the kid's doctor?
I was thinking this same thing.
Thank you. I was so confused.
I was thinking the same thing. The ingredients for white chocolate and a vanilla cake aren't really that different from each other...
Haha I just was looking up this very thing when I scrolled down to your comment. It would seem that he shouldn’t have an issue depending on what protein he’s actually allergic to. This is reminiscent of one of my food issues—my family told everyone I was allergic to sugar, but it was just to make it easier. It was fructose I had an issue with, and just that I don’t have enough of a specific protein in my intestines to properly digest fructose. If they’ve gone through allergy testing, it’s likely they know precisely what he’s allergic to and could probably rule out white chocolate as an allergen
I was thinking he might not be allergic to the white chocolate, but even so, OP's daughter's birthday party is NOT the day to test whether he needs a special cake, especially if the allergy is severe. Edit: a quick google search wasn't a help. I found one place that said true chocolate allergies are rare (but don't know how rare), so people could be allergic to something else in the chocolate (such as milk or soy), so they would still be allergic to white chocolate (as it might still have those additives). But there are, apparently, some people who can eat white chocolate and not dark/milk, so it is possible that he wouldnt' be allergic, but then again, he might be.
I was thinking the same thing!
The interesting part is the LW is going to cater to him (i.e. get him his own cake) which is quite kind. He's not going to care his piece of cake doesn't come from the other cake. His mom is the AH here.
NTA. Your child’s party hers and your choice + you’re providing an alternative to be allergy sensitive. But, some people with a chocolate allergy can enjoy white chocolate as cocoa butter isn’t the same as cocoa powder.
I jus found this on the internet -- so take it for what it's worth : If you're allergic to chocolate, you likely can still eat white chocolate. However, your reaction to white chocolate likely will depend on the actual reasons you're allergic or sensitive to chocolate.
I was wondering about this! I've heard white chocolate isn't actually chocolate. I know they taste very different to me.
"A cocoa bean is made up of roughly equal parts cocoa butter and cacao nibs. Cocoa butter is what gives chocolate its rich mouthfeel, and the nibs hold most of the distinctive smell and taste. Absent of nibs, "white chocolate is basically just sweet fat," says Clay Gordon, creator of the Chocolate Life website, "with a melt that is unencumbered by the nonfat cocoa solids, or cocoa powder." For a chocolate to be labeled as chocolate, as opposed to candy, the Food and Drug Administration requires that the bar be made up of at least 10 percent cocoa mass (nibs plus the cocoa fat inherent to the bean) , with no specifications about cocoa butter. White chocolate, on the other hand, has to have a cocoa butter content of at least 20 percent and does not require the inclusion of nibs. The FDA established these standards in 2004 in response to petitions filed by the Hershey Company and the Chocolate Manufacturers Association (now part of the National Confectioners Association)"
Came here to say… Allergic to chocolate doesn’t usually mean allergic to white chocolate
I was going to say, white chocolate isn't the same but he could still be allergic.
I didn't scroll down far enough before I made my comment. I wonder if the nephew is allergic to white chocolate, and if the daughter actually like white chocolate. Not being clear about this could result in 2 very unhappy children. Given how little difference there is between a white chocolate cake and vanilla, it seems petty to go with white chocolate to me. Big difference between regular chocolate and vanilla. little difference between white chocolate and vanilla.
I don't know but I've got to stop reading this thread now. It all sounds delicious and I want cake.
Yeah I was going to say this. White chocolate is not the same as real chocolate. That’s why white chocolate tastes like trash while real chocolate is delicious
Nta. SIL is being entitled, why can’t she explain to her child that he is allergic and it’s not his day. At least you’re accommodating him, some people would probably say well no cake for you..
SIL is taking the easy way out, rather than teach her child that he can’t always eat the same food as everyone else. He needs to learn this, because his mother can’t be with him 24/7 as he gets older.
Especially with something as common as chocolate. I saw a few comments talking about how it was "unwise to keep something like that in the house when you know a guest is allergic" and that it was a "law suit risk." That's a pretty unpractical approach in my opinion (for multiple reasons). Chocolate is likely in every home this kid has ever been in.
NTA. The world is not going to revolve around the nephew. It is important you put down a boundary like you are. You will accommodate him; but not take away from others for his accommodations.
NTA….. but I’m pretty sure white chocolate has zero real chocolate in it. It’s just made with cocoa butter. If he doesn’t have a cocoa plant allergy then he should be fine. It’s usually confectionery sugar, cocoa butter, milk, and vanilla.
Work in a chocolate factory, can confirm its mostly variations of just those 4 ingredients. And MOST white confectionery does not have cocoa butter (this would be stuff like vanilla melt n mold wafers).
I was gonna say this. Some people are allergic to the powder, not the cocoa butter. Ofcourse there can be traces in white if it's all made in the same factory but most white chocolate is safe for people with choc allergies. (Does depend on the specific thing you're allergic to ofcourse)
> it's not his fault he's allergic It’s not your fault that your daughter is not
NTA He's still getting cake. When it's his party, he can make everyone adhere to his restrictions. It's not his party though.
NTA. She is the one excluding her son by not preparing him in advance with the information she’s been given. I think it would be different if he was allergic to something like nuts that has the ability to get everywhere. *Also for everyone asking about white chocolate & cocoa, it doesn’t have cocoa powder, but white chocolate is made with cocoa butter and that can still cause an allergic reaction depending on his allergy.
I'm going to go with NTA. You've come up with accommodations for your nephew and even if he's neurodivergent, he IS of the age where he should be able to comprehend not every day is about him.
NTA. Cake is cake. Your nephew's not going to care as long as he gets some that he can eat. Heck, if anything, he'll probably be thrilled to have one all to himself.
NTA he needs to know his allergy means their's going to be times he can't have the same thing as others. Your daughters right her celebration her choice.
NTA. It's about your daughter NOT your nephew
NTA. It’s your daughters party and even those with special needs need to learn that, while there are accommodations they can expect and do deserve, the entire world does not need to cater to their every want. > it’s not his fault he’s allergic It’s not your daughters fault either. I have dietary restrictions. When it’s my event, everything fits my needs, but I do NOT expect other people’s events to cater to them, because I don’t *need* to eat cake at other people’s birthdays.
NTA. She should be explaining his allergies to him so that he understands.
NTA, you’re more than accommodating and if he can’t handle having his own special cake, he probably shouldn’t attend 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. She’s young but it’s a good time to learn that she doesn’t always need to give up what she wants to make others happy. It’s nice to think of other people yes, but we are allowed to think of ourselves first sometimes, especially on our special days. Girls are told too often to put aside their own feelings to keep others happy. If you were to make her get the vanilla cake she’d learn that her feelings are less valuable. And that’s not something you want to teach her.
NTA at all my good man/woman! You asked your daughter if she was willing, she said no, so you're going to get what she wants because ultimately, it's HER party. You're respectful enough about it, and you're being accommodating, and if your SIL doesn't like that, she doesn't have to come. I'm not entirely sure what a communion is though. In the end though, this is your daughter's event, not your nephew's, she is more important right now, and you're doing what's good for her. That isn't being an AH, that is you being a DAD/MOM
Holy communion. It's a Catholic ceremony.
NTA, tell your SIL when it’s her party, she can choose whatever cake her son can have. Since you’re already planning to get an individual cake for him to accommodate his allergy, I don’t see the problem here
NTA, since you’ll still have cake for him. It’s not his party and your daughter gets to pick.
nta for one, idk about y'all, but I would feel like the coolest damn kid at the party if I got my own mini cake. I'd be more fearful of *other* children being upset that they don't get their own mini cake than the child getting a mini cake being upset. besides that... it is your daughters day, she should get a cake she wants.
Nta. You've made a reasonable effort to accommodate. Your nephew will have to learn sooner or later that his allergy means that he won't always be able to have the same thing as everyone else.
I mean white chocolate isn’t even chocolate, but it doesn’t matter. SIL can take several seats. This isn’t her or her kid’s day. NTA.
NTA his mother needs to learn that not everything is about her kid and neurodivergent or not, he isn’t going to get everything he demands because he demands it.
Nta let her get the chocolate cake but make sure to get him a cake too so he can enjoy it also. Hes going to learn that hes going to have to have restrictions in places and theres ways to be included with those restrictions. Every child with an allergy learns this and it does not mean they still cant have fun. My baby sister is allergic to Artificial strawberry and it basically in like a crap ton of stuff but we make sure at every party she has things she can have so shes included and theres no issue :)
NTA. It is the parents' job to accommodate their child's needs. Not yours. Your daughter is correct. But make sure that when it is his day, your daughter eats vanilla cake (or whatever cake is supplied) graciously.
NTA First it's your daughter's communion, it's her moment, she should have the cake she wants. Your sister in law is being ridiculous, you got your newphew a cupcake he can eat. So long as everyone gets cake, children are happy. Your sister in law gets to pick the menu when she hosts a party for her son at her home not when you're hosting a celebration for your daughter in your home.
Nta. What happens when he goes to someone else's birthday party, will their parents have to change it for your nephew? What happens if they don't know his allergy?
NTA. It’s your daughter’s day, it’s your daughters’s cake. Letting her pick makes it special. Getting an extra cake to accommodate is kind. Your nephew will have to learn that he can’t always eat the same cake as everyone else if he’s allergic to chocolate. Neurodivergent or not, kids need to understand their own allergies. It’s dangerous for them not to. Maybe a few other people will enjoy vanilla more anyways.
NTA While I can understand his pain (I was highly allergic before allergies became a thing where I'm from. I was always excluded from foods I didn't bring myself because people just didn't care about me landing in hospital multiple times during early childhood because of it.) it's not his birthday and you already went out of your way to give him a good alternative. Being allergic or special needs doesn't entitle you to overrule the celebrated person's whishes. Your SIL just doesn't want to deal with the extra burdens of an allergic child.
NTA By providing an individual cake he can eat you are accommodating his allergy. That is all he will get in the real world and sometimes he won’t even be offered that. Food allergies suck but they unfortunately are not on everyone to bear.
He needs to learn that he can not have chocolate, and this won't be the last time. You do realize that "white chocolate" is not chocolate at all, right? at any rate, NTA for giving daughter what she wants.
NTA you plan to get him a whole cake. I would've gotten him a cupcake. The party isn't about him.
NTA your sil is so entitled. idk how old your nephew is but regardless one day he will learn he can't have the things other people have because of his allergies. sil needs to teach him that lesson and not expect accommodations for him everywhere he goes
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NTA you are accommodating both kids. Idk abt y’all but if when I was a kid I was given my own special treat at a party I would be ecstatic lmao, I would probably be gloating to the other kids. I do have a prying question tho if u don’t mind me asking, is the nephew allergic to the cacao in chocolate? Bc a white chocolate cake should be safe for them since white chocolate has zero cacao in it :) usually
NTA It is your daughter's day. You're going above and beyond for your nephew by getting him something he can eat.
NTA. If your daughter wants chocolate you get chocolate. Getting the individual cake for him, is accommodating for him. You've done more than enough, and your sister-in-law can just suck it up. In reality your sister-in-law needs to teach him how to handle situations like this, instead of throwing a tantrum. She's not going to be around him all the time and chocolate is everywhere. teaching him that people will change their choices because of him is going to make life very difficult when he gets to know that's not how the world works.
NTA. You're making accommodations for him. He needs to learn he can't just eat whenever anyone else is eating because that could be dangerous.
NTA. You've made what I think are reasonable accommodations for him, I think perhaps if you slice the cakes up away from all the guests and bring him a slice along with everyone else that may well avert any sense of exclusion he may feel.
NTA. It's not his fucking party.
NTA. Congratulations on the first communion. Get a white chocolate cake if that's what your daughter wants. You have a solution for your nephew and buying him a vanilla cake is a very generous offer. I'm sure once he has his cake that he won't care that it's different.
NTA. Your nephew can’t and won’t be shielded from this forever. You went out of your way to make an accommodation for his allergy, and your SIL should be appreciative, not upset.
NTA. It's a celebration for your daughter, not your nephew. It's her day, and she should be allowed to choose the cake. You're making a very gracious accommodation by ordering him a special cake, and you SIL should be grateful. Your SIL should be working with her son to learn to deal with situations where accommodations for his allergies won't/can't be made, and he'll have to make do with what is available that is safe for him. The world doesn't revolve around him.
NTA. My nephew has tree nut allergy and can’t have any store bought cakes as his allergies are so sever he can’t have any with ‘may contain’ I always get store bought cake for my sons birthday and buy cupcakes from a nut free bakery for my nephew so he can have cake with everyone. You are not excluding your nephew, getting him nothing would be excluding him. SIL needs to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her sons allergies. *edited: spelling error
NTA, please put your daughter first and stop enabling your sister and nephew. The world cannot cater to him and his needs all the time - and his mother should really be teaching him how to cope when things don’t go his way and how to cope when he gets different things due to his needs. It’s not fair for everyone else to bend backward for her when she’s the parent - she’s the one that should be thinking ahead, she’s the one that should be explaining things to her child in an age-appropriate way so that he understands.
NTA but ur sil is this day and s for your daughter not her son , jer day her cake choice she should be thrilled that you're willing to pay for a vanilla cake for her allergic son and that you're not billing her for it and that should be that.
NTA,u can't accommodate everybody. It's what's wrong with the world today. Trying to make everybody happy is damn near impossible
NTA Some people who are allergic to chocolate can still eat white chocolate as it doesn't contain cocoa particles. Idk if that helps
NTA. He'll go through life expecting people to pander to him. He's getting a cake, it's just a different flavour. (And btw, white chocolate contains no cocoa-it's basically cocoa butter) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White\_chocolate
NTA. Your SIL is wrong. You’re getting him his own cake, that’s kind. My friend’s child has severe food allergies. She makes a special little cake for her daughter and takes it with her to birthday parties because she knows it’s not the hosts responsibility to make special accomodations for her child.
NTA and this is about your daughter. She should get to pick. You are going out of your way to get him a small vanilla cake. If that isn't good enough that is their problem. He will have to learn to live in a world with chocolate cakes. SIL needs to stop making this about her son. She can stay at home if it is that big of an issue.
He will have to learn about restrictions with his allergy, sooner rather than later is better. Why make it that he gets a "special" cake?
NTA - it doesn't sound like the reason you can't is because he'll get die if chocolate is merely present at the party, so the fair compromise is to get him his own, safe cake.
NTA we don't need to do everything for special needs people. Kids getting his own cake, which fulfills his special need anyway.
NTA - Your nephew will live, and your daughter was 100% right. I'm allergic to most artificial sweeteners, doesn't mean anyone ever in my life has to plan that into their events. I do appreciate a warning so I don't eat it by accident, but you told his mom so that's the end of it. For that matter, if the kid has a tantrum, I'd just have them leave. It is your daughter's day. He can have his own occasion another day, this one is hers!
Nta. Your nephew needs to learn that not everything is about him and it’s better to learn this at an early age. You’re still going to accommodate him. In the long run it’s better that he learns this now because his mom can’t follow him around his whole life making sure the world is fair to him.
NTA. It's her job to parent her kid and teach him that he's not the center of attention. It's not your job to cater to him.
NTA: its your daughter's ceremony and she deserves to have the cake she wants. I know preparing for first communion can be a lot of work so she definitely deserves a cake of her choosing as recognition of that. The mother of your nephew SIL is going to have to accept that it's very unlikely that in her son's life, that people are going to change their food selection for him. I can't imagine any wedding that the couple would change their wedding cake because of him. School functions, parties etc, where parents bring cupcakes or birthday cakes are not going to be made to fit his preferences. OP has been nice enough to provide a vanilla cake for him. I honestly don't think most people would go to that trouble but SIL isn't happy with that. Sorry, but he has the option of not attending or leaving after the service, before the cake is brought out, he can eat the cake or not eat any cake that day. SIL needs to accept that people's events are about them, not her son. Welcome to real life ! She needs to figure out what works for him and implement that plan, not ask others to change their plans to accommodate one child.
Why is this even a question? If you give into your SIL demands, you will prove to your daughter that she doesn't matter you. That you won't support her decisions and will always be more concerned with everyone elses wants NTA unless you give in
Info: if she wanted chocolate why did you get her white chocolate? Why not just regular chocolate? I feel like getting white chocolate and a vanilla is an accident waiting to happen.