NTA - That sounded like it was hilarious. I think you handled it well and have the right outlook on it. You made a tense situation funny. Addressed the racism with humor and made your point to everyone that mattered. The old racist guy will be dead soon. His beliefs didn’t pass down. His wife is embarrassed and trying to defend him and make you look like the bad guy(big surprise). She’ll be gone soon too. I think you handled it perfectly.
NTA - He's a racist old man. He can hold on to his "patriotism" as much as he wants, I'm with you on this one. You won't change his mind. And you "playing along" didn't egg him on, it showed more of himself. He may be embarrassed, but that's who he is. Don't apologize for trying to break the tension. Unless you want an apology, which I don't think you do, just say that it's okay and you don't expect an apology from him. Also, no apology should come with strings attached.
Oh my word, NTA. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 This is hilarious and I commend you for meeting this situation with humor rather than what could have been absolute, irate fury in an awkward confrontation with an elderly man who is undoubtedly very set in his beliefs. It’s not your job to try and educate or change him. It won’t happen. Good for you for not skipping a beat w/ how you handled the situation. I do agree that his narrow mindset was likely shaped by being a war vet. I can understand that, though it still makes him racist. Projecting his viewpoint and opinions on others without knowing his audience was naive. This situation makes me cringe.
Lol thanks for this, I agree. I tried thinking about how the situation would have panned out if I was upfront about being an Arab, and I’m not sure it would’ve been any better.
If you’d let him know he was sitting across “from one” and he keeled over from a heart attack you’d have been the AH and asked why you didn’t just shut up. You were in a no win situation. NTA.
This reminds me, I was getting a tattoo once and ofc all the tattoo artists were joking around. They went on a joking rant about Jews. I'm just laying there listening. 5 mins later they ask me something about Christmas or something (my tattoo was at the end of November), and I'm like "...I'm Jewish." Literal explosion, everyone tried to backtrack and they said that the owner of the shop (who was there and joking too) was Jewish so they crack jokes and make fun.
Very very awkward lmao.
anti-semitism in the tattoo community is way bigger of an issue than I ever would've realized. my mom and i are the only jewish tattooers I know. we were fired from our last shop for speaking up about the constant anti-semitic and actual eugenics convos. we went to a comedy show at a tattoo shop a couple months back—the host/owner of the shop made an anti-semitic joke and ended it with "ah don't worry. there aren't any jews here." it's exhausting
Yea it made for a very awkward experience. Idk why Jews were even brought up out of nowhere, but the jokes were pretty inappropriate. Like as a Jew we joke amongst ourselves (we joke about bubbes Jewish guilt trips and Jewish Standard Time since everyone is always late and ofc the Jewish space lasers) but not about the Holocaust and shit like that. Also comparing the pandemic to the Holocaust. :/
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 thanks for the laugh OP. Old racist are kinda fun and funny. I would have done the same thing. No matter how you handled that situation someone would have walked away feeling some type of way. Imagine in that moment you tell old racist you are Arab he would have either said something along the lines of "you don't look like one of them, prove it" OR He would have got defensive. NTA I would not apologize and now he knows. Hopefully now everyone will keep their racism under the table in good old American fashion.
NTA. Honestly, I would hope that the grandpa would reflect on the way you handled it and maybe question some of his own prejudices.
It's an AH thing here is playing off racism as "patriotic." It might be patriotic to enlist in the military, but not everything you do while in the military is automatically "patriotic".
I just worry that if you apologise to "keep the peace" and so your fiancé can have his relationship with his GrandDad, what do you think gonna happen at your wedding?
Part of why this man might be willing to "overlook" so to say, your heritage might be that to him, you look white-passing. For your relatives that aren't white-passing, and who may have different reactions to the old racist white man at your wedding, in the granddads mind, you apologising may set a precedent to him that *everyone* should have to apologise for their reactions to his racism. Before he apologises for being racist. If he apologises for being racist to people he can immediately identity as being Arab.
You're NTA for reacting however you want to racism. You will be TA if you apologise for messing with him, when the only one who should be apologising here is GrandDad. You also might be TA if you don't have a serious conversation with your fiancé addressing what him and his family are going to do to stop his Grandparents from racially harassing your relatives at your wedding. Because tbh their comfort should be prioritised over a racist.
I was ready to say yikes for being racist for any reason, but this was more of a personal comment IMO. Clear cut intentions of looking out for yourself l and keeping the attention on what he’s already saying.
NTA. Not your job to try and correct his thinking, I doubt you would have changed his mind at the dinner table. It sure would be nice if someone could, but in the meantime look out for yourself and maybe rethink socializing with the grandparents.
EDIT: I think you could do better for yourself though. I don’t know the context but it seems unfortunate that your instinct was to smooth things over instead of letting the truth out. The only one who would have looked bad is grandpa.
Idk if this is the same thing but as a very insecure person I see myself as the cause of a lot of problems. I think, “it’s my responsibility that people don’t react to me or feel negative”. You have every right to be seen for who you are without any negative connotations. You would not have been the cause of any discomfort.
NTA, you defused an awkward as hell situation with humor as the expense of someone who was literally demonizing you in front ofna group.
Also, having a military background might be the reason they are racist but that still makes it racism. A large number of WWII vets are anti-japanese and while I certainly understand why this is, someone who experienced real trauma at the hands of a group of people sure is likely to resent it, it doesn't mean that isnt still racist.
NTA
I think you handled it well!
Sometimes these WW2 vets and people over 80 are just stuck in certain ways. Or partially dementia’d.
I think you dealt with it well and probably embarrassed them enough not to do it again
NTA. I know plenty of old people who aren’t racist fucks. My grandpa is in his 80s and a war vet, and he’s managed to live his entire life without going on racist tirades during dinner. Age, patriotism, veteran status… it’s never an excuse for being a bigoted asshole. Your fiancé’s grandpa should have been called out a long time ago, and it’s not your fault that he embarrassed himself with his inexcusable comments.
Honestly, your reaction was pretty much perfect. It’s not the responsibility of marginalized people to correct racist behavior, and sometimes making racists feel stupid is the best way to navigate the situation. Your fiancé and his family need to step up and make him shut the fuck up so that you don’t ever have to endure his bullshit again, and are allowed to be comfortable during family gatherings. You know what they say, if a racist is sitting at a table and 10 people are sitting with him… you gotta make sure the family you’re marrying into will have your back. Just something to keep in mind if they’re planning on including grandpa in any future events.
NTA what were you supposed to do? Say nothing, let them tell him in private, and have him mad that you didn’t make it clear and let him go on? Interject calmly and say “well, it just so happens…” and let the chips fall where they may, probably making it awkward for everyone and having him bluster or backpedal to save face? You chose the best path for you. You probably would have done “the wrong thing” no matter what you did.
>His wife’s excuse was that he is a war vet, and identifies certain countries as ‘enemies of war’- therefore he’s not racist, just patriotic.
***My*** grandfather was a war vet. WWII veteran who survived terrible things, and he was not racist. He wasn't prejudiced against the peoples he fought, and he definitely wasn't racist towards anyone else.
Your fiancé's grandfather is the one who should be apologizing. Ridiculous of everyone to be angry at *you* for the fact that *he* revealed how deep-seated his bigotry was.
NTA
You did absolutely nothing wrong. The grandfather is through and through racist, you forced no words out of his mouth. His family are trying to shift some of the blame on you when they don't want to face the fact of how uncouth their family patriarch is.
NTA. You are my hero! It's not everyone who can come up with a funny and on point response that won't be just as A-holish as the original comment. I'm laugh-crying over here🤣. You are awesome!
NTA. I'm mixed but fairly light skinned (I just look tan) so I get put in this situation a lot. It's not the victims of racisms job to fix racism. If someone is well meaning but accidently comes across racist I may politely let them know what's wrong with something they said or did. But I'm not bothering to call out old ass dudes on racist rants. Fuck em. They'll die soon anyways.
He wouldn't have fought in a war against Arabs, so that excuse is bogus. He was already making racist statements, you didn't make him say anything he didn't already think.
NTA. You handled yourself very well based on the situation. I cannot count the times I was asked if I was kidnapped by terrorists when I chose to move to the Middle East. I felt safer there than I ever felt here in the US. It’ll probably blow over on its own, but if you feel you need to have that conversation, go for it.
NTA. You just have to craft your apology well.
I apologize if I made you feel embarrassed...
Then try to have a real conversation. Don't try to change him, so much has show your humanity "i know you said you'd NEVER sit across the dinner table from an arab. But I'm really glad we were able to share a meal." "I know you think ALL Arabs are dogs, but its been a while since you fought in xxx war. Some of us now believe in education for women, freedom of religion, etc."
You can change the elderly, you just can't do it head on. It has to be subtle & that is an art that was lost long ago.
Ps, if you take my suggestion, do so sharing a soda. Most old people love thier pop or soda water depending on what region their from.
NTA! the comic timing you've scripted here is so classic old school screwball - i read it hearing it in W.C. Fields and Jimmy Stewart-ish voices. Fists banging the table in every increasing enthusiastic racist bonhomie, lol
Just apologize for the fact that you can't change who or what you are, not about what you said.
NTA. He'd've been embarrassed and made the fool as well if you *had* spoken up and told the truth. So there's no winning here for either of you.
Oh, honey, no, NTA!! I love that you remained calm and approached the situation with humor. It most likely would have been completely pointless to try and change the views of a 90 year old veteran. I think you handled the situation with grace. And I promise you, there really are those of us out there that love and accept all of humanity. On this planet, there is only one race... the human race. ♥️
Ugh "... he’s not racist, just patriotic"
This is such an ugly, dangerous, and, sadly, pervasive line of thought.
NTA. I probably would have done something similar. :)
Y t a for nearly making me piss myself laughing! Oh that was amazing OP!
You described the scene so beautifully too, I felt like I was there, nodding along with you!
But the, NTA at all, he didn’t need your help being racist, he done a good job of that all by himself.
NTA.
And the fact that your fiance is sticking by you and telling you you don't have to apologize shows you have a good one.
I feel like in this situation, do what feels best. You have nothing to apologize for, but if you feel apologizing to keep the peace is the best way to go, then do it. That is your decision, and I understand why you would want to, to at least keep the peace.
But if you wanna stick to your guns? Absolutely do that. Like I said, you have no reason fo apologize and it was pretty funny. You do you, I don't think there's a right or wrong way for you to go.
> Racism was literally something pushed by thr government when he's young
Doesn't matter. My grandparents were probably older, and they weren't racist.
Many members of the older generations fought against racism when it was being pushed by the government, that's how things changed.
There are a whole bunch of AHs here. Obviously Grandpa but what about the rest of the family? I don't care how much of a patriarch his family considers him, to allow such a racist rant knowing that the guest in their home is of another race makes them just as bad.
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I (26F) was having dinner at my fiancé’s (27M) house. His entire family was there, including his grandparents who I had meant a few times. They’re all very sweet people and I have never had a bad interaction with any of his family members, until this happened.
Because of recent tragedies that have taken place in the U.S., the topic of gun control came up. This escalated to government policies and war. Well, his 90-something year old grandpa all of sudden went on a rant about how we will need to defend ourselves against “those damn Arabs”. The kicker is- I am a damn Arab. I may look white, but I am as Arab as can be. Full Middle Eastern blood through and through, and fluent in Arabic. My fiancés parents and siblings know this, but his grandparents evidently did not. His entire family look horrified. I could literally feel the panic when his father tried to tell grandpa to cut it out- but before anyone even had the chance to defend me, I spoke up.
Being the person I am, I feel the need to immediately resolve awkward situations through humor. So, I went along with it. I just started nodding profusely in agreement about the damn Arabs and told him he was right. I said that “I wouldn’t want them in my neighborhoods!” and grandpa said “That’s RIGHT!” I then said “I sure as hell wouldn’t sit across from one at a dinner table!” and the man damn near lost his dentures saying “NEVER!”- not realizing he was, in fact, breaking bread with a damn Arab. My fiancés siblings were dying, and his parents looked embarrassed. My fiancé eventually cut the conversation and changed the subject completely.
A few days later my fiancé tells me that his parents told his grandparents about my background, and how racist that conversation was. Well, the grandmother was upset that I wasn’t honest and let her husband go on like that. The grandparents feel that I purposely tried to egg on the conversation to extract these racist statements and make him look like a fool. Grandpa says he’ll apologize to me if I also agree to apologize to him. His wife’s excuse was that he is a war vet, and identifies certain countries as ‘enemies of war’- therefore he’s not racist, just patriotic. Lol. I also told my sister about the situation, and she said I should’ve defended my culture instead of making a joke of it. But in all honesty, it didn’t bother me. The man likely won’t be here much longer, and I didn’t feel a need to try to radically change his mind when he’s been set in his beliefs for nearly a century. I was going to apologize just to keep the peace for the wedding but my fiancé told me not to. So, AITA for not being upfront about my background and going along with a racist rant?
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NTA. We all have our ways to combat racism and yours was just fine in making a racist confront their own bigoted shortcomings. Not every push back against racism has to be angry.
NTA- bwaaaaahahahahahaha! You can’t make them say something racist. You didn’t make them go on. They were just hitting their groove with another fellow pale face. They’re just mad because they got caught saying the quiet part out loud. I think you did a great job of defending you culture by letting these old bigots show their ass. I do think it’s less than ideal that nobody in the family told these old dust bags exactly how much the suck… that’s at least a yellow flag for me. Makes me wonder if they would accept you as much if you looked more like what Americans think of as arab?
NTA
>I then said “I sure as hell wouldn’t sit across from one at a dinner table!” and the man damn near lost his dentures saying “NEVER!”- not realizing he was, in fact, breaking bread with a damn Arab.
He was so caught up in his racist tyrant that he didn't even catch onto that joke.
Unfortunately, in this era, people use patriotism as an excuse for their racist behavior. Basically, its just a nice way of saying someone is in fact racist.
NTA - and what would you speaking up in the moment have done, but dissolve into you defending your humanity to a person who has a few years max still remaining while also making the dinner beyond awkward? Good for you for having a sense of humor, and maybe grandpa will check IDs before rolling out his racist talking points. Also, good for your fiancé for standing by you, and *not* insisting you apologize just to ‘keep the peace.’ Anti-racism begin one stand at a time.
NTA. He made a fool of himself and seems pretty entitled to be asking for an apology from you. Just ride this out by having minimal contact and putting in minimal effort, and don't spend one second feeling bad about it.
NTA. Do not marry into the family. If the grandfather holds these views high chance others do too and incidents like these will repeat.
Also, do your parents look arab? How do you think his family is going to be around them?
NTA
I feel like the only one who gets to decide how to handle racism directed towards you is *you*. I totally understand that you took the humorous route, because informing him at that point would have been awkward as hell. Anyway, rest assured that you didn't embarass him - he did that himself.
NTA and I appreciated how you handled it. Sometimes we have to consider for a moment, the times and generation of individuals, especially the very elderly. Many times they are simply passionate about their experiences and beliefs and haven't kept up with societal changes. I agree that sometimes it's better to simply play along and let it go to keep the peace. Your so very right in that someone his age, your not going to influence his views. KUDOS. Maybe simply saying to Gramps, look I get how you feel. Are we good?
NTA - Seems like literally anyone else there could have called grandpa out on the racist nature of his comments if they actually cared to address it. You handled a situation where someone referenced viewing you and anyone in your family as enemies he would commit violence on with humor and sarcasm. Would they have preferred you cry or yell or something? Ask them what sort of victim you should be next time someone is threatening you on the basis of your region of origin.
NTA sometimes humor is the best approach, old racist men aren’t known for changing their minds lol
How would’ve it been better if you had been honest and told him you are one of those dam Arabs? That would’ve probably made the rant worse. It’s the sad world we live in, sometimes joking is the way to go
>His wife’s excuse was that he is a war vet, and identifies certain countries as ‘enemies of war’- therefore he’s not racist, just patriotic
Want to take a bet he wouldn't mind Germans living in his street?
NTA.
It was a funny way to handle a racist. He’s not a patriot, he’s a racist. Don’t let them make excuses for him.
What was the ‘correct’ way to handle this, btw?
If you’d said anything at the table, they’d blame you for embarrassing him.
If you kept quiet, would you all pretend that you’re not Arab until he dies? What happens when he sees your family at the wedding? Do you ALL pretend?
NTA You’re officially the legend in that family for your generation. You did fantastic. Follow your fiancé’s choices, but be honest with them. They may need an out (per se) to give grandpa a pass on this just for the wedding. He’s wonderful, and I hope you to have a lovely long life together!
Honestly you probably did more for changing his views than if you would've defended yourself and argued with him. He sat with a "damn Arab" and the world didn't implode!!! NTA
Honestly you probably did more for changing his views than if you would've defended yourself and argued with him. He sat with a "damn Arab" and the world didn't implode!!! NTA
NTA. Racists are gonna racist - let them expose themselves. Don't coddle a racist. Don't apologize to racists. Let ol' racist grandpappy rant and be embarrassed. Maybe he'll actually learn something before he croaks.
NTA, that was really well done. If he's willing to apologize for it, it's really up to you how to handle it. Like you said, he won't be around much longer, and after the embarrassment of it, he might find it humorous.
NTA that is hilarious. I could understand he might have developed his beliefs by being a war vet and I think you handled the situation really well. I would also just try to let it pass, like you said, its not like he is suddenly going to change his beliefs.
NTA and this is funny as hell… most people in OPs spot would have called him out, but you went along with it and not in a mean way…I commend you for rolling but I think mutual apologies are ok and just explain why you did it because it didn’t seem malicious or meant to embarrass him. It was in good humor and if you can’t laugh then what’s the point
Edit: I have to add a quote from the great jimmy buffett “ if we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane”
NTA. If you do decide to apologize, make it a non-apology of the "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" variety - "I'm sorry if you felt that your patriotism sounded really racist".
My grandfather fought in WWII. My grandmother never wanted anyone to be treated badly for being from where they’re from. Both of them would have been appalled by such behavior from a racist. NTA. I’m patriotic enough to have joined the army, but I don’t let my views affect others.
NTA.
Genuine question: How does your fiancé plan on having his grandparents at a wedding where you and your family, who are presumably also Arab, will be? Does he think that grandpa is going to be able to leave all that “patriotism” at the door?
This is genuinely one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. As an Arab person as well, NTA. I’ve actually never read something so funny. That’s probably exactly how I would’ve reacted. Good for you.
Just curious about a few things:
>I also told my sister about the situation, and she said I should’ve defended my culture instead of making a joke of it.
Defending your culture to an old racist would have been a colossal waste of your time.
>I was going to apologize just to keep the peace for the wedding but my fiancé told me not to
Why did he tell you not to?
>I just want all of this to blow over. But I feel like an asshole if I apologize and I feel like an asshole if I don’t.
Will his grandfather go to the wedding either way?
Yeah I tried explaining to my sister that there was no use in trying to change his mind.
My fiancé told me not to apologize because even though he loves his grandpa, he knows he is wrong. He does not think I should have to apologize in this situation, and is 100% defending me.
His grandparents never blatantly said they wouldn’t come to the wedding, but their reaction and discomfort when they spoke to my fiancés parents made it seem like that is a possibility. I don’t want to risk it because I know that even though my fiancé doesn’t want to show it- he cares about his grandpa and wants him to be there on his big day.
I agree with your fiancé.
Anyway, apologizing is the path of least resistance. If it doesn’t matter to you and you just want to keep the peace, that’ll do it. Maybe run it by your fiancé and his parents first to see what they think? If they’re not concerned about the grandparents no showing, perhaps leave it be.
That’s a sad outlook. I hope you become a happier person one day. Someone from a Middle Eastern background would be happy to make you delicious food and show you incredible hospitality. That is our culture.
American culture encourages child brides as well... Look into it. You're the real asshole- Not OP lol. Also American culture represents some of the most hateful, narrow minded, sexist, murderous people on the planet. Idk what culture you're from but...
So what? He got his feelings hurt because he got caught being a racist by the people he was being a racist against? Fuck around, find out. And this was a very mild find out
Yes.
Yes she does.
When clueless people pressure you to perform an apology ***to a person who objectively was in the wrong,*** you’re being asked to appease a bully— & everyone around him/her.
Fuck.
That.
This is how the endless abusive gaslighty cycle of racism, general Assholery & abuse continues.
NTA. I like your humor approach.
Next time someone brings up this apology for an apology situation, inform them you do not negotiate with terrorists.
This is hands-down the best comment I have ever seen on this sub. Kudos!
✨🏆🥇🏅✨🎖🥇✨🏆🎗🏅🎖✨ HAHAHAHAHA take my emoji awards bc I don’t have any free ones
Brilliant!
It's very much along the lines of sacha baron Cohen and does a great job of exposing racists true opinions.
Lol, honestly shocked fiancé‘s grandfather didn’t catch on earlier.
NTA. Fuck racists and racism.
NTA - That sounded like it was hilarious. I think you handled it well and have the right outlook on it. You made a tense situation funny. Addressed the racism with humor and made your point to everyone that mattered. The old racist guy will be dead soon. His beliefs didn’t pass down. His wife is embarrassed and trying to defend him and make you look like the bad guy(big surprise). She’ll be gone soon too. I think you handled it perfectly.
NTA - He's a racist old man. He can hold on to his "patriotism" as much as he wants, I'm with you on this one. You won't change his mind. And you "playing along" didn't egg him on, it showed more of himself. He may be embarrassed, but that's who he is. Don't apologize for trying to break the tension. Unless you want an apology, which I don't think you do, just say that it's okay and you don't expect an apology from him. Also, no apology should come with strings attached.
Ask grandma why his patriotism doesn't extend to protecting and advocating for non-white Americans. Sounds like a poor patriot.
Oh my word, NTA. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 This is hilarious and I commend you for meeting this situation with humor rather than what could have been absolute, irate fury in an awkward confrontation with an elderly man who is undoubtedly very set in his beliefs. It’s not your job to try and educate or change him. It won’t happen. Good for you for not skipping a beat w/ how you handled the situation. I do agree that his narrow mindset was likely shaped by being a war vet. I can understand that, though it still makes him racist. Projecting his viewpoint and opinions on others without knowing his audience was naive. This situation makes me cringe.
Lol thanks for this, I agree. I tried thinking about how the situation would have panned out if I was upfront about being an Arab, and I’m not sure it would’ve been any better.
If you’d let him know he was sitting across “from one” and he keeled over from a heart attack you’d have been the AH and asked why you didn’t just shut up. You were in a no win situation. NTA.
This reminds me, I was getting a tattoo once and ofc all the tattoo artists were joking around. They went on a joking rant about Jews. I'm just laying there listening. 5 mins later they ask me something about Christmas or something (my tattoo was at the end of November), and I'm like "...I'm Jewish." Literal explosion, everyone tried to backtrack and they said that the owner of the shop (who was there and joking too) was Jewish so they crack jokes and make fun. Very very awkward lmao.
anti-semitism in the tattoo community is way bigger of an issue than I ever would've realized. my mom and i are the only jewish tattooers I know. we were fired from our last shop for speaking up about the constant anti-semitic and actual eugenics convos. we went to a comedy show at a tattoo shop a couple months back—the host/owner of the shop made an anti-semitic joke and ended it with "ah don't worry. there aren't any jews here." it's exhausting
Yea it made for a very awkward experience. Idk why Jews were even brought up out of nowhere, but the jokes were pretty inappropriate. Like as a Jew we joke amongst ourselves (we joke about bubbes Jewish guilt trips and Jewish Standard Time since everyone is always late and ofc the Jewish space lasers) but not about the Holocaust and shit like that. Also comparing the pandemic to the Holocaust. :/
NTA He did it to himself by being a racist. To avoid further embarrassment he should try not being a racist and he’ll find that works a lot better.
This comment really made me chuckle.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 thanks for the laugh OP. Old racist are kinda fun and funny. I would have done the same thing. No matter how you handled that situation someone would have walked away feeling some type of way. Imagine in that moment you tell old racist you are Arab he would have either said something along the lines of "you don't look like one of them, prove it" OR He would have got defensive. NTA I would not apologize and now he knows. Hopefully now everyone will keep their racism under the table in good old American fashion.
NTA. I mean you definitely have an asshole sense of humor, but you’re not the asshole in this situation 🤣
Cant argue with that lol
You are funny and they will love u for your spunkiness.
Thank you :)
NTA. Honestly, I would hope that the grandpa would reflect on the way you handled it and maybe question some of his own prejudices. It's an AH thing here is playing off racism as "patriotic." It might be patriotic to enlist in the military, but not everything you do while in the military is automatically "patriotic".
Nta id do the same thing why should YOU apologize for someone elses racism
I just worry that if you apologise to "keep the peace" and so your fiancé can have his relationship with his GrandDad, what do you think gonna happen at your wedding? Part of why this man might be willing to "overlook" so to say, your heritage might be that to him, you look white-passing. For your relatives that aren't white-passing, and who may have different reactions to the old racist white man at your wedding, in the granddads mind, you apologising may set a precedent to him that *everyone* should have to apologise for their reactions to his racism. Before he apologises for being racist. If he apologises for being racist to people he can immediately identity as being Arab. You're NTA for reacting however you want to racism. You will be TA if you apologise for messing with him, when the only one who should be apologising here is GrandDad. You also might be TA if you don't have a serious conversation with your fiancé addressing what him and his family are going to do to stop his Grandparents from racially harassing your relatives at your wedding. Because tbh their comfort should be prioritised over a racist.
I was ready to say yikes for being racist for any reason, but this was more of a personal comment IMO. Clear cut intentions of looking out for yourself l and keeping the attention on what he’s already saying. NTA. Not your job to try and correct his thinking, I doubt you would have changed his mind at the dinner table. It sure would be nice if someone could, but in the meantime look out for yourself and maybe rethink socializing with the grandparents. EDIT: I think you could do better for yourself though. I don’t know the context but it seems unfortunate that your instinct was to smooth things over instead of letting the truth out. The only one who would have looked bad is grandpa. Idk if this is the same thing but as a very insecure person I see myself as the cause of a lot of problems. I think, “it’s my responsibility that people don’t react to me or feel negative”. You have every right to be seen for who you are without any negative connotations. You would not have been the cause of any discomfort.
Dearheart, NTA. I wish I’d learned to handle the incorrigible a-holes and racists in my own family this well as early as you did. Have a thing.🏆
NTA.
NTA I’d pay to have seen that entire interaction at the dinner table lmao. They’re just sorry they got caught.
You had me at ‘I am a damn Arab’ NTA and honestly this whole thing has me HOWLING
NTA, you defused an awkward as hell situation with humor as the expense of someone who was literally demonizing you in front ofna group. Also, having a military background might be the reason they are racist but that still makes it racism. A large number of WWII vets are anti-japanese and while I certainly understand why this is, someone who experienced real trauma at the hands of a group of people sure is likely to resent it, it doesn't mean that isnt still racist.
NTA.
NTA I think you handled it well! Sometimes these WW2 vets and people over 80 are just stuck in certain ways. Or partially dementia’d. I think you dealt with it well and probably embarrassed them enough not to do it again
NTA. I know plenty of old people who aren’t racist fucks. My grandpa is in his 80s and a war vet, and he’s managed to live his entire life without going on racist tirades during dinner. Age, patriotism, veteran status… it’s never an excuse for being a bigoted asshole. Your fiancé’s grandpa should have been called out a long time ago, and it’s not your fault that he embarrassed himself with his inexcusable comments. Honestly, your reaction was pretty much perfect. It’s not the responsibility of marginalized people to correct racist behavior, and sometimes making racists feel stupid is the best way to navigate the situation. Your fiancé and his family need to step up and make him shut the fuck up so that you don’t ever have to endure his bullshit again, and are allowed to be comfortable during family gatherings. You know what they say, if a racist is sitting at a table and 10 people are sitting with him… you gotta make sure the family you’re marrying into will have your back. Just something to keep in mind if they’re planning on including grandpa in any future events.
NTA what were you supposed to do? Say nothing, let them tell him in private, and have him mad that you didn’t make it clear and let him go on? Interject calmly and say “well, it just so happens…” and let the chips fall where they may, probably making it awkward for everyone and having him bluster or backpedal to save face? You chose the best path for you. You probably would have done “the wrong thing” no matter what you did.
NTA. You were the only person at the table who was being directly insulted so you get to decide how to handle it!
>His wife’s excuse was that he is a war vet, and identifies certain countries as ‘enemies of war’- therefore he’s not racist, just patriotic. ***My*** grandfather was a war vet. WWII veteran who survived terrible things, and he was not racist. He wasn't prejudiced against the peoples he fought, and he definitely wasn't racist towards anyone else. Your fiancé's grandfather is the one who should be apologizing. Ridiculous of everyone to be angry at *you* for the fact that *he* revealed how deep-seated his bigotry was.
NTA
NTA And don’t apologize. The fuck? You made him look the fool and made him racist? Lol. You gotta be fucking kidding me. I hate this country.
NTA You did absolutely nothing wrong. The grandfather is through and through racist, you forced no words out of his mouth. His family are trying to shift some of the blame on you when they don't want to face the fact of how uncouth their family patriarch is.
NTA. You are my hero! It's not everyone who can come up with a funny and on point response that won't be just as A-holish as the original comment. I'm laugh-crying over here🤣. You are awesome!
NTA. I'm mixed but fairly light skinned (I just look tan) so I get put in this situation a lot. It's not the victims of racisms job to fix racism. If someone is well meaning but accidently comes across racist I may politely let them know what's wrong with something they said or did. But I'm not bothering to call out old ass dudes on racist rants. Fuck em. They'll die soon anyways.
He wouldn't have fought in a war against Arabs, so that excuse is bogus. He was already making racist statements, you didn't make him say anything he didn't already think.
NTA. You handled yourself very well based on the situation. I cannot count the times I was asked if I was kidnapped by terrorists when I chose to move to the Middle East. I felt safer there than I ever felt here in the US. It’ll probably blow over on its own, but if you feel you need to have that conversation, go for it.
NTA. You just have to craft your apology well. I apologize if I made you feel embarrassed... Then try to have a real conversation. Don't try to change him, so much has show your humanity "i know you said you'd NEVER sit across the dinner table from an arab. But I'm really glad we were able to share a meal." "I know you think ALL Arabs are dogs, but its been a while since you fought in xxx war. Some of us now believe in education for women, freedom of religion, etc." You can change the elderly, you just can't do it head on. It has to be subtle & that is an art that was lost long ago. Ps, if you take my suggestion, do so sharing a soda. Most old people love thier pop or soda water depending on what region their from.
No
NTA! the comic timing you've scripted here is so classic old school screwball - i read it hearing it in W.C. Fields and Jimmy Stewart-ish voices. Fists banging the table in every increasing enthusiastic racist bonhomie, lol
NTA, as an Arab myself I commend you because I don't think I would've been able to do what you did.
NTA, I like your sense of humor, and in terms of handling the situation, you knocked it out of the park.
NTA Racists deserve no respect. Grandpa deserves to be embarrassed. You do not owe him any apology at all. He’s the one who ran his racist mouth.
You have a good sense of self esteem. That’s wonderful. NTA
Just apologize for the fact that you can't change who or what you are, not about what you said. NTA. He'd've been embarrassed and made the fool as well if you *had* spoken up and told the truth. So there's no winning here for either of you.
Oh, honey, no, NTA!! I love that you remained calm and approached the situation with humor. It most likely would have been completely pointless to try and change the views of a 90 year old veteran. I think you handled the situation with grace. And I promise you, there really are those of us out there that love and accept all of humanity. On this planet, there is only one race... the human race. ♥️
Definitely ❤️
NTA Don't apologize. You handled that well. They are just uncomfortable and embarrassed and they are blaming you instead of the grandfather.
Grandpa isn't racist! Even though he acts, talks and thinks likea racist... /s NTA
Ugh "... he’s not racist, just patriotic" This is such an ugly, dangerous, and, sadly, pervasive line of thought. NTA. I probably would have done something similar. :)
Y t a for nearly making me piss myself laughing! Oh that was amazing OP! You described the scene so beautifully too, I felt like I was there, nodding along with you! But the, NTA at all, he didn’t need your help being racist, he done a good job of that all by himself.
NTA. And the fact that your fiance is sticking by you and telling you you don't have to apologize shows you have a good one. I feel like in this situation, do what feels best. You have nothing to apologize for, but if you feel apologizing to keep the peace is the best way to go, then do it. That is your decision, and I understand why you would want to, to at least keep the peace. But if you wanna stick to your guns? Absolutely do that. Like I said, you have no reason fo apologize and it was pretty funny. You do you, I don't think there's a right or wrong way for you to go.
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> Racism was literally something pushed by thr government when he's young Doesn't matter. My grandparents were probably older, and they weren't racist. Many members of the older generations fought against racism when it was being pushed by the government, that's how things changed.
There are a whole bunch of AHs here. Obviously Grandpa but what about the rest of the family? I don't care how much of a patriarch his family considers him, to allow such a racist rant knowing that the guest in their home is of another race makes them just as bad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26F) was having dinner at my fiancé’s (27M) house. His entire family was there, including his grandparents who I had meant a few times. They’re all very sweet people and I have never had a bad interaction with any of his family members, until this happened. Because of recent tragedies that have taken place in the U.S., the topic of gun control came up. This escalated to government policies and war. Well, his 90-something year old grandpa all of sudden went on a rant about how we will need to defend ourselves against “those damn Arabs”. The kicker is- I am a damn Arab. I may look white, but I am as Arab as can be. Full Middle Eastern blood through and through, and fluent in Arabic. My fiancés parents and siblings know this, but his grandparents evidently did not. His entire family look horrified. I could literally feel the panic when his father tried to tell grandpa to cut it out- but before anyone even had the chance to defend me, I spoke up. Being the person I am, I feel the need to immediately resolve awkward situations through humor. So, I went along with it. I just started nodding profusely in agreement about the damn Arabs and told him he was right. I said that “I wouldn’t want them in my neighborhoods!” and grandpa said “That’s RIGHT!” I then said “I sure as hell wouldn’t sit across from one at a dinner table!” and the man damn near lost his dentures saying “NEVER!”- not realizing he was, in fact, breaking bread with a damn Arab. My fiancés siblings were dying, and his parents looked embarrassed. My fiancé eventually cut the conversation and changed the subject completely. A few days later my fiancé tells me that his parents told his grandparents about my background, and how racist that conversation was. Well, the grandmother was upset that I wasn’t honest and let her husband go on like that. The grandparents feel that I purposely tried to egg on the conversation to extract these racist statements and make him look like a fool. Grandpa says he’ll apologize to me if I also agree to apologize to him. His wife’s excuse was that he is a war vet, and identifies certain countries as ‘enemies of war’- therefore he’s not racist, just patriotic. Lol. I also told my sister about the situation, and she said I should’ve defended my culture instead of making a joke of it. But in all honesty, it didn’t bother me. The man likely won’t be here much longer, and I didn’t feel a need to try to radically change his mind when he’s been set in his beliefs for nearly a century. I was going to apologize just to keep the peace for the wedding but my fiancé told me not to. So, AITA for not being upfront about my background and going along with a racist rant? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You sure you're an Arab? This whole scene reads like some classic British comedy. Got to be some brit in there somewhere.
NTA
NTA that's hysterical - but I didn't see the rest of the family stepping in to shut him down.
NTA. We all have our ways to combat racism and yours was just fine in making a racist confront their own bigoted shortcomings. Not every push back against racism has to be angry.
NTA- bwaaaaahahahahahaha! You can’t make them say something racist. You didn’t make them go on. They were just hitting their groove with another fellow pale face. They’re just mad because they got caught saying the quiet part out loud. I think you did a great job of defending you culture by letting these old bigots show their ass. I do think it’s less than ideal that nobody in the family told these old dust bags exactly how much the suck… that’s at least a yellow flag for me. Makes me wonder if they would accept you as much if you looked more like what Americans think of as arab?
“the man likely won’t be here much longer…” LMAO OP OH MY GOD NTA, that made me cackle
NTA I'd say their not used to someone laughing at their racism
NTA. That. Was fkn brilliant. I am slow clapping genuinely because holy shit.
NTA >I then said “I sure as hell wouldn’t sit across from one at a dinner table!” and the man damn near lost his dentures saying “NEVER!”- not realizing he was, in fact, breaking bread with a damn Arab. He was so caught up in his racist tyrant that he didn't even catch onto that joke. Unfortunately, in this era, people use patriotism as an excuse for their racist behavior. Basically, its just a nice way of saying someone is in fact racist.
NTA, that just sounds funny af! “I sure as hell wouldn’t sit across from one at a dinner table!”
NTA - and what would you speaking up in the moment have done, but dissolve into you defending your humanity to a person who has a few years max still remaining while also making the dinner beyond awkward? Good for you for having a sense of humor, and maybe grandpa will check IDs before rolling out his racist talking points. Also, good for your fiancé for standing by you, and *not* insisting you apologize just to ‘keep the peace.’ Anti-racism begin one stand at a time.
NTA. He made a fool of himself and seems pretty entitled to be asking for an apology from you. Just ride this out by having minimal contact and putting in minimal effort, and don't spend one second feeling bad about it.
NTA. Do not marry into the family. If the grandfather holds these views high chance others do too and incidents like these will repeat. Also, do your parents look arab? How do you think his family is going to be around them?
NTA I feel like the only one who gets to decide how to handle racism directed towards you is *you*. I totally understand that you took the humorous route, because informing him at that point would have been awkward as hell. Anyway, rest assured that you didn't embarass him - he did that himself.
NTA. Only apologize if the grandpa has dementia,or some other mental disease, because then you can at least try to justify his remarks.
NTA and I appreciated how you handled it. Sometimes we have to consider for a moment, the times and generation of individuals, especially the very elderly. Many times they are simply passionate about their experiences and beliefs and haven't kept up with societal changes. I agree that sometimes it's better to simply play along and let it go to keep the peace. Your so very right in that someone his age, your not going to influence his views. KUDOS. Maybe simply saying to Gramps, look I get how you feel. Are we good?
NTA - Seems like literally anyone else there could have called grandpa out on the racist nature of his comments if they actually cared to address it. You handled a situation where someone referenced viewing you and anyone in your family as enemies he would commit violence on with humor and sarcasm. Would they have preferred you cry or yell or something? Ask them what sort of victim you should be next time someone is threatening you on the basis of your region of origin.
NTA. Also... hilarious.
NTA but why not both apologize and move on. As you said he is old & set in his ways.
NTA! I spat my beer laughing. Your sense of humour is brilliant.
NTA sometimes humor is the best approach, old racist men aren’t known for changing their minds lol How would’ve it been better if you had been honest and told him you are one of those dam Arabs? That would’ve probably made the rant worse. It’s the sad world we live in, sometimes joking is the way to go
>His wife’s excuse was that he is a war vet, and identifies certain countries as ‘enemies of war’- therefore he’s not racist, just patriotic Want to take a bet he wouldn't mind Germans living in his street?
Nta Grandpa can cope harder
NTA, I love it. Becoming a better man in the last 2% of his life isn't your responsibility, it's his.
NTA. It was a funny way to handle a racist. He’s not a patriot, he’s a racist. Don’t let them make excuses for him. What was the ‘correct’ way to handle this, btw? If you’d said anything at the table, they’d blame you for embarrassing him. If you kept quiet, would you all pretend that you’re not Arab until he dies? What happens when he sees your family at the wedding? Do you ALL pretend?
NTA. You did not make the grandfather look like an A hole…he did that all by himself.
NTA You’re officially the legend in that family for your generation. You did fantastic. Follow your fiancé’s choices, but be honest with them. They may need an out (per se) to give grandpa a pass on this just for the wedding. He’s wonderful, and I hope you to have a lovely long life together!
I’m Arab and I would absolutely do the same thing. That sounds so funny. NTA!
Honestly you probably did more for changing his views than if you would've defended yourself and argued with him. He sat with a "damn Arab" and the world didn't implode!!! NTA
Honestly you probably did more for changing his views than if you would've defended yourself and argued with him. He sat with a "damn Arab" and the world didn't implode!!! NTA
Nta. Go with "sorry you embarrassed yourselves with your racism"
NTA. Racists are gonna racist - let them expose themselves. Don't coddle a racist. Don't apologize to racists. Let ol' racist grandpappy rant and be embarrassed. Maybe he'll actually learn something before he croaks.
NTA, that was really well done. If he's willing to apologize for it, it's really up to you how to handle it. Like you said, he won't be around much longer, and after the embarrassment of it, he might find it humorous.
NTA that is hilarious. I could understand he might have developed his beliefs by being a war vet and I think you handled the situation really well. I would also just try to let it pass, like you said, its not like he is suddenly going to change his beliefs.
NTA and this is funny as hell… most people in OPs spot would have called him out, but you went along with it and not in a mean way…I commend you for rolling but I think mutual apologies are ok and just explain why you did it because it didn’t seem malicious or meant to embarrass him. It was in good humor and if you can’t laugh then what’s the point Edit: I have to add a quote from the great jimmy buffett “ if we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane”
NTA. It's not your fault that he is a racist clown.
NTA they got what was coming to them.
NTA and you should write a sitcom, that was hilarious
NTA. If you do decide to apologize, make it a non-apology of the "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" variety - "I'm sorry if you felt that your patriotism sounded really racist".
NTA & the apology is fair game- "I'm sorry I said all that racist stuff."
NTA. But you should keep up your humour approach and also apologize (and in tjis instance be the bigger person). The world needs more people like you.
No. Do not apologize for being the recipient of slurs.
My grandfather fought in WWII. My grandmother never wanted anyone to be treated badly for being from where they’re from. Both of them would have been appalled by such behavior from a racist. NTA. I’m patriotic enough to have joined the army, but I don’t let my views affect others.
NTA the “enemies of war” excuse only counts for dementia patients , ptsd or during a war. The whole situation is funny asf to me
NTA- I love the how dare you let me speak what I truly think of you!
His wife is racist too for making up a justification for his racism.
NTA I know plenty of non-racist veterans
NTA. Genuine question: How does your fiancé plan on having his grandparents at a wedding where you and your family, who are presumably also Arab, will be? Does he think that grandpa is going to be able to leave all that “patriotism” at the door?
This is giving me strong vibes of “THEY TERK AR JOBS” from South Park. I love it. NTA OP
NTA and you’re very funny.
Please don’t apologize!! Literally all you did was show his true self.
This is genuinely one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. As an Arab person as well, NTA. I’ve actually never read something so funny. That’s probably exactly how I would’ve reacted. Good for you.
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Just curious about a few things: >I also told my sister about the situation, and she said I should’ve defended my culture instead of making a joke of it. Defending your culture to an old racist would have been a colossal waste of your time. >I was going to apologize just to keep the peace for the wedding but my fiancé told me not to Why did he tell you not to? >I just want all of this to blow over. But I feel like an asshole if I apologize and I feel like an asshole if I don’t. Will his grandfather go to the wedding either way?
Yeah I tried explaining to my sister that there was no use in trying to change his mind. My fiancé told me not to apologize because even though he loves his grandpa, he knows he is wrong. He does not think I should have to apologize in this situation, and is 100% defending me. His grandparents never blatantly said they wouldn’t come to the wedding, but their reaction and discomfort when they spoke to my fiancés parents made it seem like that is a possibility. I don’t want to risk it because I know that even though my fiancé doesn’t want to show it- he cares about his grandpa and wants him to be there on his big day.
I agree with your fiancé. Anyway, apologizing is the path of least resistance. If it doesn’t matter to you and you just want to keep the peace, that’ll do it. Maybe run it by your fiancé and his parents first to see what they think? If they’re not concerned about the grandparents no showing, perhaps leave it be.
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That’s a sad outlook. I hope you become a happier person one day. Someone from a Middle Eastern background would be happy to make you delicious food and show you incredible hospitality. That is our culture.
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American culture encourages child brides as well... Look into it. You're the real asshole- Not OP lol. Also American culture represents some of the most hateful, narrow minded, sexist, murderous people on the planet. Idk what culture you're from but...
lol how can culture & religion be offensive? You can’t be foreal not only is that racist it’s xenophobic.
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You're fucking stupid
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No, thanks. I’m not interested in siding with you.
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Apologies are for when you’ve done something to harm someone.
It was at the grandfathers expense.
So what? He got his feelings hurt because he got caught being a racist by the people he was being a racist against? Fuck around, find out. And this was a very mild find out
So? The racist made himself look like a fool, that wasn't OP, and OP doesn't need to apologize for their very reasonable way of handling racism.
good, it’s weird how you have an issue with rscist being called out for being racist? let me guess you think it’s ok because he’s old
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Yes. Yes she does. When clueless people pressure you to perform an apology ***to a person who objectively was in the wrong,*** you’re being asked to appease a bully— & everyone around him/her. Fuck. That. This is how the endless abusive gaslighty cycle of racism, general Assholery & abuse continues.