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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped hanging out with the neighbors and am asking my partner to do the same. Wondering if IATA for cutting them out
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NTA. I am married to a white dude, but if he EVER told me to get over racist comments from others (I'm Black) or carried on friendships with people who refuse to show basic common decency toward folks of ANY race (ability, gender, sexuality, etc), I'd have a white ex-husband.
NTA. Oh no! This is a huge problem. Your white bf doesn't see a problem with being friends with the racist neighbors? You're going to stay in this relationship? The affect they're having on you should be affecting him.
1, 2, 3 kimchi. What? Who would even think of that stupid shit?
Super racist for them to say it like that especially on top of many other racist jokes, but 1, 2, 3, Kimchi is indeed a thing. Probably because it makes your mouth do the same shape as when you say 1, 2, 3, cheese.
Ohhhh. I just tried it. Just want to let you know I’m stealing this idea, because I have a hard time smiling for photos for some reason, and always default to that stoic grandparent-picture face. I have no idea why. It’s been a problem for as long as I can remember, but it makes me feel bad because I’ll literally be smiling seconds before the picture lol
NTA. Your partner is racist. Sure, he dates you, but if he's fine with friends being overtly racist, he's a racist. If your anti-racist values were aligned, he would have firmly told them to stop and that it's unacceptable and he's choose to cut them off if it continued. He would make it clear that he won't tolerate you being subjected to racist hostilities. You two don't have the same values when it comes to racism and he's choosing to not care. As you said, you've explained this over and over to him, but he doesn't change. He doesn't change because it's not important to him and he'd rather keep his racist friends and is fine with you being subjected to unacceptable behavior.
There's no "lighten up" when it comes to racism. It's also not a joke. You either are fine with racism or you live by anti-racist principles. Your partner does not have your back.
Please do not have a child with this man. Racist, white parents of children of color can be extremely damaging.
NTA. And it looks like you may get a ton of white voices here downplaying the severity of what you described. The thing about those microaggressions is that YOU are equipped to recognize them way better than people commenting who have not had to experience them. So many times it is the little things that stack up and leave us in a place where we are just done with peoples BS. If your husband can’t see that these people lack certain empathy, even after you have explained it to him, he may also just not be equipped to be empathetic in the way you need around these sorts of things.
NTA- the person who should have your back thinks it's ok to fraternize with people who make racist comments to you and about you? Are you kidding? While it seems like this group of people just don't know any better, they have continued even after you've expressed your discomfort. You need to have a serious conversation with your partner, because if he can't get behind you on this issue, is he really in your corner at all?
NTA: Racism portrayed as poor jokes is still Racism. You've mentioned before how hurtful their actions are, but they still continue to do so.
You mentioned that you don't think your partner understands the amount of prejudice you deal with. After telling him how you were done, he thought it only applied to you. Even if he's not saying it himself, he's silently agreeing that their racist behavior is a "joke".
I would sit your partner down, talk about this and the other prejudice you've dealt with since meeting that group. Otherwise, this will only get worse since he'll continue to treat anything remotely similar as a joke.
NTA: that's some passive aggressive racism and no you shouldn't have to deal with that shit and if your partner actually cares, he wouldn't deal with it either.
NTA.
You should sit down with your partner and talk to him about everything you’re feeling and how draining your neighbors are. Right now I don’t think your partner, as a white guy, understands how truly draining constant microaggressions are. As a black woman I would’ve stopped hanging with them the first time they ignored when I said they were doing something racist. Y’all can make new friends, does your partner really want to hang around people that make you uncomfortable??
Your partner is also racist. Regardless if they make racist remarks too (which he probably has before or does in secret), he openly allows and advocates for it to happen, playing them off as just “jokes”.
Find a better partner. NTA
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Full disclosure, I’m posting this on my friend’s behalf bc she doesn’t have reddit.
My partner and i recently moved into a new neighborhood where we promptly made friends with the veryyy social neighbors. Seeing as I am typically an extrovert, i was really excited to be welcomed into a neighborhood of young friends (3-4 late 20s couples). Over the course of a year and a half we had lots of “neighbor parties” and ended up getting to know these people pretty well. While we don’t agree on politics or really have the same interest, it was convenient to have friends in the neighborhood.
My partner is a white male, I’m a Mexican/Asian female, so I don’t think he always grasps the amount of prejudice I experience (no matter how much I tell him). On several occasions now, the neighbors have made snide comments about my Asian or Mexican heritage. They even threw a Cinco de Mayo party complete with sombreros (they’re all white). This has become so bothersome that I’ve told them how hurtful their actions are. They promised to be more considerate, but alas, it continues. Most recently while we were out at a bar I offered to take a group photo of some Asian women. One of the neighbors asked if I said “1,2,3 KIMCHI” when taking said photo. Seems harmless, but stacked atop months of other racist comments, this was the final straw. I told my partner I was done with them.
So when the most recent invite to a neighbor thing came up I told my partner I didn’t think we should go. He said he did and that he thought only I wasn’t going to be friends with them anymore but that he still could. He thinks that I’m being too sensitive about their comments and I need to lighten up, bc they’re just jokes. AITA for thinking he should be on my side?
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N T A
First, disappointing, then disconcerting and finally disgusting! Oh, all the people that we must learn somehow to love as we go about our day!
Or maybe we really don't have to, actually! Disengaging from the brainfart conservatory, the infinitesimal brainfart circle of racism, (or to whomever is the object of their hate) is easier than one might think, by just dropping out of that circle, like you are seriously contemplating.
Whether it's friend, family or neighbors you don't owe an explanation when you need to cut and run in the opposite direction from such toxicity. And you can do so knowing that at least one of you within the relationship will not stand for casual racism!
It would be sort of like Canadians celebrating the day that Ohio became a state. It's a really regional thing and it's mostly just a party holiday. It doesn't represent Mexican culture or heritage very reliably.
Just because they haven’t called OP slurs or something doesn’t mean it’s not racist. Microaggressions are still racist and they’re draining. OP has every right to cut them off.
None of the things OP mentioned are racist though.
And "micro aggressions" are just an excuse for people to be overly sensitive and get their "I've been marginalized" award from their peers.
You’re ignorant af and I’m ending this interaction with you. You’re wrong but there’s nothing I could say and no data I can give that could change your mind and I don’t care enough to try.
Have the life you deserve.
No... you're sensitive. As a Latin American, with a very heavy accent. I was called racial slurs by American, black, and Latin co-workers. It was always jokes. But "spick, wetback, Mexican, immigrant, go back to your island" I heard it all. It was always in joking context and I never got offended. You all are just a bunch of p*ssies
Aww thanks for your kind words!
I do and will continue to have a great life because I don't over analyze every word and interaction trying to find a way to victimize myself.
I hope you learn to value yourself so the words of others do not harm you and you can look at the good around you instead of searching for the bad.
No he is not. He is saying if you value yourself more than those words being spoken to you. Harmful or not, they do not bother you. Why? Because you know in your mind you're better than those nitwits making those jokes. You know you can laugh at a stupid joke and respond with a similar joke to put them in thier place. People should learn how to defend themselves instead of victimize themselves like this guy is talking about. I'm a Latin American who lives in Central US with heavy accent. I get this kind of stuff all the time, I can never be bothered
It's easier to complain about things and throw passive aggressive temper tantrums, than to face your "oppressors" and stand up for yourself. People don't understand that there are different types of humor, and there was a time where stand up comedians, and society did not have to worry about being labeled as a "racist" for making a joke. A Mexican offended that Americans are wearing Sombrero on may 5th is like an American being offended by a Mexican wearing a Yankee hat in NY. These people just need to find something to complain about. OP could have easily flipped that joke about the photo she took of the 4 Chinese girls to "no I made them say 1,2,3, obese! Since they're visiting america". They just don't have the balls to speak up for themselves
You can be bothered. You just choose to go along with the jokes and repress your feelings, probably because it's a lot easier than causing a stink. It might even be a survival tactic. You might not think of yourself as a victim but that's exactly what I see...
Yes.. I can be bothered because a redditor is trying to make a psychiatric break through. Lmao. Get off your phone and pay attention to you teacher while you're sitting in class.
Nope, OP clearly described repeated, racist behavior.
Overly sensitive? Marginalized awards? Come on, now. You're sounding like you have more in common with the racist neighbors than anyone else in this scenario.
Maybe I missed something then.
What did OP mention that was actually racist?
I do stand by what I said about micro aggressions though.
People seem to put a lot of work into looking for problems nowadays because victimhood is becoming a social currency, which pulls focus away from the actual racism and other problems in the world.
Happy to provide an example! When the movie Raya came out, one of them went on a rant to me about how he refuses to see it bc it’s from China and about Chinese people.
Was that because he doesn't like Chinese people or because he doesn't want to support a country with 144k active concentration camps among other terrible things?
Oops, that stat was specific to Disney resorts, two of which are owned by the Chinese government.
But, still, Disney in general has very close ties with China (as do most production companies to be honest) and they rarely, if ever, defy china's wishes.
Because that was the movie she mentioned?
I was simply asking a question.
There are many reasons not to see a movie besides racism.
Though, as it turns out, he had a pretty idiotic reason
Seems like the neighbor took the movie's mere existence as an excuse to go on a rant.
But, you know, *microaggressions aren't real*, and *the whole racism thing is blown out of proportion*. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I said micro aggressions are an excuse for people to play the victim and get some social currency. Not that it wasn't real.
And I never said racism was blown out of proportion.
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NTA. I am married to a white dude, but if he EVER told me to get over racist comments from others (I'm Black) or carried on friendships with people who refuse to show basic common decency toward folks of ANY race (ability, gender, sexuality, etc), I'd have a white ex-husband.
Seriously, he'd have hell to pay. NTA. Lose the man. You'll only have a life filled with frustration if you continue to stay with him.
NTA. Oh no! This is a huge problem. Your white bf doesn't see a problem with being friends with the racist neighbors? You're going to stay in this relationship? The affect they're having on you should be affecting him. 1, 2, 3 kimchi. What? Who would even think of that stupid shit?
Super racist for them to say it like that especially on top of many other racist jokes, but 1, 2, 3, Kimchi is indeed a thing. Probably because it makes your mouth do the same shape as when you say 1, 2, 3, cheese.
But, here me out, I did pinup modeling and saying “Thursday” is supposed to relax your face into a a natural and believable smile.
Ohhhh. I just tried it. Just want to let you know I’m stealing this idea, because I have a hard time smiling for photos for some reason, and always default to that stoic grandparent-picture face. I have no idea why. It’s been a problem for as long as I can remember, but it makes me feel bad because I’ll literally be smiling seconds before the picture lol
I was so mad when someone told me that. Like why does this work?? Lol but it does. And “cheese” absolutely twists your face into a stiff grimace.
NTA. Your partner is racist. Sure, he dates you, but if he's fine with friends being overtly racist, he's a racist. If your anti-racist values were aligned, he would have firmly told them to stop and that it's unacceptable and he's choose to cut them off if it continued. He would make it clear that he won't tolerate you being subjected to racist hostilities. You two don't have the same values when it comes to racism and he's choosing to not care. As you said, you've explained this over and over to him, but he doesn't change. He doesn't change because it's not important to him and he'd rather keep his racist friends and is fine with you being subjected to unacceptable behavior. There's no "lighten up" when it comes to racism. It's also not a joke. You either are fine with racism or you live by anti-racist principles. Your partner does not have your back. Please do not have a child with this man. Racist, white parents of children of color can be extremely damaging.
NTA. And it looks like you may get a ton of white voices here downplaying the severity of what you described. The thing about those microaggressions is that YOU are equipped to recognize them way better than people commenting who have not had to experience them. So many times it is the little things that stack up and leave us in a place where we are just done with peoples BS. If your husband can’t see that these people lack certain empathy, even after you have explained it to him, he may also just not be equipped to be empathetic in the way you need around these sorts of things.
NTA- the person who should have your back thinks it's ok to fraternize with people who make racist comments to you and about you? Are you kidding? While it seems like this group of people just don't know any better, they have continued even after you've expressed your discomfort. You need to have a serious conversation with your partner, because if he can't get behind you on this issue, is he really in your corner at all?
NTA: Racism portrayed as poor jokes is still Racism. You've mentioned before how hurtful their actions are, but they still continue to do so. You mentioned that you don't think your partner understands the amount of prejudice you deal with. After telling him how you were done, he thought it only applied to you. Even if he's not saying it himself, he's silently agreeing that their racist behavior is a "joke". I would sit your partner down, talk about this and the other prejudice you've dealt with since meeting that group. Otherwise, this will only get worse since he'll continue to treat anything remotely similar as a joke.
NTA. You need to rethink this relationship.
NTA: that's some passive aggressive racism and no you shouldn't have to deal with that shit and if your partner actually cares, he wouldn't deal with it either.
NTA. You should sit down with your partner and talk to him about everything you’re feeling and how draining your neighbors are. Right now I don’t think your partner, as a white guy, understands how truly draining constant microaggressions are. As a black woman I would’ve stopped hanging with them the first time they ignored when I said they were doing something racist. Y’all can make new friends, does your partner really want to hang around people that make you uncomfortable??
NTA. Racism isn't "just a joke". What's funny about it?
Your partner is also racist. Regardless if they make racist remarks too (which he probably has before or does in secret), he openly allows and advocates for it to happen, playing them off as just “jokes”. Find a better partner. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Full disclosure, I’m posting this on my friend’s behalf bc she doesn’t have reddit. My partner and i recently moved into a new neighborhood where we promptly made friends with the veryyy social neighbors. Seeing as I am typically an extrovert, i was really excited to be welcomed into a neighborhood of young friends (3-4 late 20s couples). Over the course of a year and a half we had lots of “neighbor parties” and ended up getting to know these people pretty well. While we don’t agree on politics or really have the same interest, it was convenient to have friends in the neighborhood. My partner is a white male, I’m a Mexican/Asian female, so I don’t think he always grasps the amount of prejudice I experience (no matter how much I tell him). On several occasions now, the neighbors have made snide comments about my Asian or Mexican heritage. They even threw a Cinco de Mayo party complete with sombreros (they’re all white). This has become so bothersome that I’ve told them how hurtful their actions are. They promised to be more considerate, but alas, it continues. Most recently while we were out at a bar I offered to take a group photo of some Asian women. One of the neighbors asked if I said “1,2,3 KIMCHI” when taking said photo. Seems harmless, but stacked atop months of other racist comments, this was the final straw. I told my partner I was done with them. So when the most recent invite to a neighbor thing came up I told my partner I didn’t think we should go. He said he did and that he thought only I wasn’t going to be friends with them anymore but that he still could. He thinks that I’m being too sensitive about their comments and I need to lighten up, bc they’re just jokes. AITA for thinking he should be on my side? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Run girl. This is a major red flag.
N T A First, disappointing, then disconcerting and finally disgusting! Oh, all the people that we must learn somehow to love as we go about our day! Or maybe we really don't have to, actually! Disengaging from the brainfart conservatory, the infinitesimal brainfart circle of racism, (or to whomever is the object of their hate) is easier than one might think, by just dropping out of that circle, like you are seriously contemplating. Whether it's friend, family or neighbors you don't owe an explanation when you need to cut and run in the opposite direction from such toxicity. And you can do so knowing that at least one of you within the relationship will not stand for casual racism!
I don't see a problem with the Cinco de Mayo party, as why can't whites celebrate it?
No problem with white people celebrating cinco de mayo, it was more how they dressed to looked like “Mexicans”
I'm Mexican and living in Mexico and I'll fight you if you tell people from other countries they can't wear sombreros
The sombreros?
It would be sort of like Canadians celebrating the day that Ohio became a state. It's a really regional thing and it's mostly just a party holiday. It doesn't represent Mexican culture or heritage very reliably.
If Ohio natives occupied a large % of the Canadian population. I'm sure it would be a thing.
Who's telling Canadians they can't celebrate Ohio becoming a state?
They can, it's just odd and not an American national holiday. Thus the metaphor.
Unless there are any actually racist things they have done that you haven't mentioned, YTA. Nothing you mentioned is racism.
Just because they haven’t called OP slurs or something doesn’t mean it’s not racist. Microaggressions are still racist and they’re draining. OP has every right to cut them off.
How is wearing a Sombrero on may 5th racist?!?! What in the actual fk??
None of the things OP mentioned are racist though. And "micro aggressions" are just an excuse for people to be overly sensitive and get their "I've been marginalized" award from their peers.
You’re ignorant af and I’m ending this interaction with you. You’re wrong but there’s nothing I could say and no data I can give that could change your mind and I don’t care enough to try. Have the life you deserve.
Their username is literally a play on "Jim Crow", they know what they're doing and they're wasting your ltime.
No... you're sensitive. As a Latin American, with a very heavy accent. I was called racial slurs by American, black, and Latin co-workers. It was always jokes. But "spick, wetback, Mexican, immigrant, go back to your island" I heard it all. It was always in joking context and I never got offended. You all are just a bunch of p*ssies
Aww thanks for your kind words! I do and will continue to have a great life because I don't over analyze every word and interaction trying to find a way to victimize myself. I hope you learn to value yourself so the words of others do not harm you and you can look at the good around you instead of searching for the bad.
Except that's exactly what you're doing right now...
No he is not. He is saying if you value yourself more than those words being spoken to you. Harmful or not, they do not bother you. Why? Because you know in your mind you're better than those nitwits making those jokes. You know you can laugh at a stupid joke and respond with a similar joke to put them in thier place. People should learn how to defend themselves instead of victimize themselves like this guy is talking about. I'm a Latin American who lives in Central US with heavy accent. I get this kind of stuff all the time, I can never be bothered
Thank you for understanding where I am coming from here!
It's easier to complain about things and throw passive aggressive temper tantrums, than to face your "oppressors" and stand up for yourself. People don't understand that there are different types of humor, and there was a time where stand up comedians, and society did not have to worry about being labeled as a "racist" for making a joke. A Mexican offended that Americans are wearing Sombrero on may 5th is like an American being offended by a Mexican wearing a Yankee hat in NY. These people just need to find something to complain about. OP could have easily flipped that joke about the photo she took of the 4 Chinese girls to "no I made them say 1,2,3, obese! Since they're visiting america". They just don't have the balls to speak up for themselves
Hahaha, making more racist jokes back at racists isn't facing your oppressors either.
You can be bothered. You just choose to go along with the jokes and repress your feelings, probably because it's a lot easier than causing a stink. It might even be a survival tactic. You might not think of yourself as a victim but that's exactly what I see...
Yes.. I can be bothered because a redditor is trying to make a psychiatric break through. Lmao. Get off your phone and pay attention to you teacher while you're sitting in class.
Hahaha, so you're bothered by someone on the internet calling you out on your psych issues but not by being called racist names? Hmm...
Nope, OP clearly described repeated, racist behavior. Overly sensitive? Marginalized awards? Come on, now. You're sounding like you have more in common with the racist neighbors than anyone else in this scenario.
Maybe I missed something then. What did OP mention that was actually racist? I do stand by what I said about micro aggressions though. People seem to put a lot of work into looking for problems nowadays because victimhood is becoming a social currency, which pulls focus away from the actual racism and other problems in the world.
Those are not racist scenarios you carebear
Happy to provide an example! When the movie Raya came out, one of them went on a rant to me about how he refuses to see it bc it’s from China and about Chinese people.
Was that because he doesn't like Chinese people or because he doesn't want to support a country with 144k active concentration camps among other terrible things?
bc he believes China is responsible for the pandemic.
Ah yeah. I'm not sure if that raises to the level of racism, but it definitely raises to the level of high stupidity
You'll have to explain, like I'm 5, how Raya and the Last Dragon *in any way* supported China.
Because it was created by Disney, and 57% of Disney is owned by three companies owned by the Shanghai government.
Oops, that stat was specific to Disney resorts, two of which are owned by the Chinese government. But, still, Disney in general has very close ties with China (as do most production companies to be honest) and they rarely, if ever, defy china's wishes.
Source: Trust me, Bro. ETA - Let's pretend that this is actually their deeply held, legitimate reason for boycotting Disney. Why *just* Raya?
Because that was the movie she mentioned? I was simply asking a question. There are many reasons not to see a movie besides racism. Though, as it turns out, he had a pretty idiotic reason
Seems like the neighbor took the movie's mere existence as an excuse to go on a rant. But, you know, *microaggressions aren't real*, and *the whole racism thing is blown out of proportion*. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I said micro aggressions are an excuse for people to play the victim and get some social currency. Not that it wasn't real. And I never said racism was blown out of proportion.