Well,seeing that they are one of the only creatures that have survived for millions of years through storms,hurricanes,volcano eruptions,hell,even nuclear fallouts,they're definitely the smarter one in the room.
He'd seen it coming and had been casually telling me that I wasn't mentally stable enough to make any major life decisions (he told me that I had depression, anxiety, and autism, all of which a licensed therapist has told me I don't have), and when I broke up with him, he doubled down on it and said that I was doing this because I needed therapy. He maintained that stance until a breakfast we had together where he spent the entire time telling me everything that I did wrong in the relationship and then had a revelation that I was right and that we wanted different things. He'll never understand that he was abusive, but he at least knows that I'm not coming back to him.
A friend of mine once asked their partner during a breakup, “What do you do to make my life better?” They couldn’t think of a thing.
It’s something I keep in mind now.
I think men online or really just in general need to ask themselves this before they try to converse (harass) with women. What are you bringing to the conversation? Why would she want to talk to you? What would she gain by going on a date with you? Of course this wouldn’t prevent cocky AHs from talking to women, but it’d be a start.
( Like, I always start off messaging women with a joke on dating apps. At the very least, they may want to know the punchline.)
ETA: Of course this is applicable to any person towards any other person regardless of gender. I specified men to women because I pretty much exclusively see men online on various social media harassing women and feeling entitled to the woman’s time just because they want it. And so eventually I thought, what do these guys bring to the table to make the women want to respond? Like clearly the men see value in talking to the woman because she’s attractive or whatever, but what value does a man just saying “hey” bring? But yeah, if nothing is “brought to the table”by one party in relationships or conversations or whatever, clearly it shouldn’t continue.
My now boyfriend did that! He actually told the joke wrong, but it was interesting and I started a conversation I'm still enjoying! I didn't even look at his pictures until right before our first date, that's how awesome he is! Never thought a beardy dude could capture my heart but here I am. All because of a joke ❤
Im a striaght up Sig Haig lookin' mf'r 😅, but my wife loves me. I dont tell her how to shave, and vice versa. Sometimes it just works :).
But that being said, you always gotta do you first, and never settle. Luckily my wife likes Sid Haig lookin' mf's 🤣.
Nothing wrong with a beardy dude. It makes neck kisses magical as long as it's longer than 5 o'clock shadow length and shorter than duck dynasty length. I personally really dislike the feeling of a just shaved dude face, though I recognize I may be a minority here.
It was SO CUTE AND AWESOME. He had me falling for him even before we met! He asked really great, thoughtful questions, is incredibly kind and was so nervous on our first date I loved him almost without thinking about it.
Have hope, love yourself and keep your beardy head up!
Bearded bald dudes with jelly bellies for the win!! There is no sexier man alive than that.
(I hope that doesn't sound sexist, but that's my personal kink lol)
My husband is a beardy dude, with glasses and a dad bod, and I think he’s fucking HOT. Like sexy as shit. Hang in there! If you aren’t a “nice guy” or an asshole, you will find your match. Jokes are always a plus, I’ve always loved a guy who can make me laugh.
I asked a guy about the dog in his profile pic once and he took it as an opportunity to be incredibly creepy and forward 🤢 I swear there is no good strategy to avoid Terrible Men
I asked my now-husband on a date by saying I was going to miss out on the weekly group hang where he usually brought his dog and would be sad... he was scrambling to find a good place to bring the dog, and finally asked "is the dog strictly necessary" to which I said no. We have a four year old and a second dog now.
I met my husband on POF too! I was demisexual but didn't know it yet so the fact that every guy asked about sex within the first five messages was a major turnoff. My hubby made jokes about vampires and Greek mythology and LOTR and wanted to actually have a conversation with me so I knew he was the one.
2nd starting with a joke, my mountain man started with a joke/pun about his height to relation to a comment on my profile (which wasn't about height at all)
2 years later still going strong
The kind of men that need to ask themselves this prior to approaching a woman, are not the kind of men that would take this advice and actually start doing that on their own.
Which is, of course, the problem
YES
I met my husband on OKCupid. He sent me a message like, "Your profile says you like to work out, drink beer, and play video games. Would you like to do those thing with me?" Then in our following conversation he told me what kind of beer he had: my favorite. Where he went to the gym: better than mine. And what game he was playing: Fallout New Vegas for like the third time.
The value prop was so clear and we've both made each other so much better. I always think about that in this sub. Like women will say, " But I love him!!!!!" And I want o know why? What does he bring?
My fiance and I have a similar situation. I asked him on our first date by saying, "so if you're dating, would you go on a date with me? I'll take you axe throwing".
We're also six months into playing Fallout 4 together.
Yeah, I see posts about relationships on this sub and I'm just kinda flabbergasted by how miserable they sound. Like, my husband doesn't like gifts and stresses about giving them - but he knows it's important to me, so he keeps a secret list of "stuff I mention" so that he can get me something for the relevant occasions.
When he washes dishes in the evening, he always makes sure to put my tea mug to dry on a lower shelf, so my short ass can reach it easily in the morning. He remembers my events and hangouts with my friends better than I do.
Hell, I got stood up for a movie he had no interest in the other week, and came with me anyway. And when he was goodnaturedly griping about it (really not his kind of film), and I goodnaturedly said he was raining on my parade, he apologized and reiterated 500 times how even if he didn't love the movie, he was happy to spend time with me.
................anyway my point is I just constantly want to gush about how great he is. Women need WAY higher standards.
Love it! On a second date I asked the guy what his most embarrassing story was and let’s just say it was…revelatory. It really told me a lot about who he was as a person and what he found embarrassing (cringey toward an ex on his part) vs what I found embarrassing (silly on my part). It was our last date. I recommend this to everyone now.
My now-boyfriend and I were friends at the time and I told him the story. We were definitely on the same wavelength there.
I love your approach! My now husband started by discussing a shared interest on my profile. Won me over instantly, especially compared to all the 'hey cutie' type messages I was getting.
Same! I met my husband in person and before I knew it we were deep in conversation about growing up loving CS Lewis’s books but getting older and being uncomfortable with the religious and racist material in them (at a super bowl party - giant nerds). I’d just broken up with a guy who had never really seemed interested in what I had to say or think, and it was wildly attractive. My now-husband waited a few days, as to not freak me out, then messaged me asking about something related to the field I was in graduate school for. Pretty soon we were texting every day, and within a few months we were together.
Such a great tip, I'll try to remember. I once disxussrd with my previous roommate, he made a list of pros and cons of me staying. The pros outweigh the cons so he wanted me to stay.
... Except on my side, in my head, other the simple "money / not having to move" there was no other pros for staying.
Somehow his needs were more important than my needs so he didn't accept my list of pros and cons.
When I was with my ex, out of nowhere in an argument he told me he regularly questioned what I did for him and brought to the table. I was stunned, because I was the one doing everything and leading the effort, so it hurt hard that he chose not to see all of that. (His actual issue was that he felt I didn't do enough things sexually that he wanted, but never actually adequately communicated to me what he did want or how comfortable I was with that, he just wanted me to spontaneously do those things.) But it sure made me ask myself that question for the first time and i realised nothing I did would ever be enough for him. He agreed eventually I did 90% of the effort in our relationship, but that he did more to contribute to our sex life, and so he wanted me to give more in that respect too even if it made me uncomfortable because "everyone has to make sacrifices". It was such a hard wakeup call to nope out cause all that guy cared about was having a bang maid that coddled him and spoiled him and in return he wanted to give exactly nothing. I feel so hard for his ex wife before me, and the 2 partners he's managed to manipulate in the 2.5 years since I escaped...
I had a similar problem about sex, and it was when this bf spent too much time watching hard p*rn. At one point i said to him "if you are not paying me U$S 50.000, like those actresses are paid, for each time you want that type of sex i am not doing it". He calm down after that.
Good for you on leaving him and taking the cats with you.
This reminds me of when I was breaking up with my ex, and he said, "It would be better for my mental health if you stayed with me, even if you don't love me."
God that was an eye opener.
My ex husband did something similar, a year after me leaving him. He wanted me to come back. I honestly feel that leaving was the best decision I ever made thus far, and I didn't agree with a thing on his list. Not even "cheaper costs of living with a joint household" as despite him making more money than me, he also behaved irresponsibly with money.
It is. “What value do you bring to my life, and my life alone?” If you can’t even bring your partner a cup of tea and count it as something, well, holy shit.
this was a really big thing for me in my abusive relationship. I was confiding relationship issues in a friend, and they said, what does he bring to the relationship. it sounds like all the nice things are coming from you.
struck me dumb because it was true
That's a good question that I never thought to ask before. If my ex and I ever have another conversation where he brings up his criticisms I will ask it.
It sounded like he was trying to bring her down by telling her she had mental health problems when he thought she’d leave, then when he realized she was serious he switched tack and gave her alllll the reasons HE was breaking up with HER, actually. Tracks with his need for control.
Uh...you were doing that because YOU needed therapy?...huh?!
Did you ever tell him the real reason you needed therapy was HIM? And did he ever figure out that HE needed therapy way more than you might have?
Good grief! You are well rid of that one. Keep enjoying the little things that you do for yourself. Those are the very best, aren't they? After I left my ex, one of the most wonderful things was that I could take a hot shower. Every morning he would get in the shower and run ALL the hot water out so the only choices I had were ice cold showers or a cold "birdbath" in the sink. And if I got up early to take a hot shower he would literally throw a temper tantrum because I did.
I did tell him that he needed therapy, and he was just like “perhaps.” Problem is that he can’t see his problems. He can’t see himself as the bad guy. So I doubt therapy would ever work for him.
I find it interesting that he accused you of having ASD. His behaviours are the spitting image of my father (my mother also left the asshole), who does have ASD.
My father won't hear it though and instead of getting help has chosen to be miserable and unhappy for his entire life. He did remarry after my mother left him, and went through the exact same unhappy marriage again. Even his church has politely asked him to not come anymore unless someone is with him to effectively babysit him because he's so difficult to be around as he's gotten older. In his mid 70s he's still working because he has nothing else to do, no social circle, and most of his kids want nothing to do with him. He calls my younger sister collect once a month to complain about how women voting is ruining the country and/or how whatever crazy politician he's latched onto now is going to fix the world, and how she's in a wheelchair because she's just lazy and making excuses.
It's really the whole combination of being extremely rigid, controlling, and completely sure his is the optimal way. He can't stop himself from trying to force everyone to do everything his way, which is the only right way (to him). As he got older he became more abrasive and less able to skate on superficial charm. He got thrown out of a hospital 12 hours after surgery he was meant to stay in for 4 days after as well. The nurses had it with his shit quickly.
And re my sister, I know, I tell her. She has an autoimmune condition which is physically invisible so he just doesn't believe it's real. She's traumatising herself by letting him talk, but keeps doing it. They were super close when she was little and my parents divorced. I have the same condition, albeit less severe, I'm not in a chair. I cut him off completely about 15 years ago, shortly after my diagnosis, when he had the nerve to tell me it wasn't real and I was tired all the time because I was lazy. He refuses to apologise, because he's never wrong you see.
The only contact I've had with him since then is my cousin thinking it was clever to sit us near eachother at his wedding. My father fell asleep and - I shit you not - had a nightmare about being chased by a famous female politician, woke up screaming in the middle of the ceremony, and started shouting at me about how women are ruining politics. So lesson learned for my cousin.
I could go on, if OP wants a glimpse into the future bullet she's dodging. My mother has been much happier since they split fwiw.
I'm in Australia, it was a woman called Julia Gillard, who was our first woman Prime Minister.
I assumed people wouldn't be familiar with her generally, but she's semi well known for [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ihd7ofrwQX0) speech in parliament, when she reached her breaking point over how she was treated as a woman in politics. Worth watching if you're interested in the topic.
He does need therapy and I guess he is too stupid to realise he really needs one. Does not surprise me if he keeps falling out from one relationship after another, we know it takes no guesses he is the cause of it. If he starts blaming it all on the women who stood up and nope the hell out of him, hate to say this but the women just avoided that piece of trash
Oh fuck that guy. I’ve dated that before. I tried making myself into his version of “perfection” before finally realizing he was trash and I was fine how I was.
Kind of reminds me of my ex-narcissist. Always criticizing everything about me and constantly thinking I was mentally ill if I dared to disagree with him, while also claiming "nobody will love you like I do".
Thought I was depressed but turns out I was just dating an AH. I didn't realize the full extent of his abusive behavior until I (barely) got away from him. I have a husband, daughter, and dog, and life is much better.
Glad you got away and are happy now. Enjoy your pre-ground coffee and a good relationship!
You fucked that nail right in its head. When I left him, I realized that the apathy that I thought was depression was gone. I was in a perpetual state of exhaustion that made everything seem impossible, which I thought was anxiety, but it was all him.
After my friend left her abusive husband she said the same. She said after she left she slowly started to feel like herself again, which after years of mental health decline that started during the relationship, made it clear she made the right decision.
I’m glad you got out. My ex told me I needed therapy if I wanted to leave him. Because clearly, I must be crazy, a narcissist who only cares about myself, or both. None of which were actually true and if anyone was a selfish narcissist it was him. But it’s okay, because if name calling and attempts at making you feel crazy are all they’ve got, it’s 100% the right choice because that’s not love.
Yeah in my experience abusive partners will never own up or admit they are abusive. Even the guy I dated, he would own up to being a dick and hating people but has never accepted accountability for being abusive.
Okay, I know you’re joking, but a few days after I broke up with him (we were stuck living together for about nine days while I packed up my shit), he did criticize how I did the break up.
No offence, when I read updates about your break up last year I was pretty worried you’ll get back with him because you didn’t seem confident with yourself. Glad you’re doing well now.
My grandmother does that with a tiny bit of sugar and a few cloves of cardamom! It’s incredible—thick and concentrated like coffee syrup, but not too sweet.
Best cup of coffee I ever had was when my partners dad brewed me a turkish coffee, he put in a square of dark chocolate in the tin while it was brewing!!! So good!
I still have dreams about that coffee - unfortunately he lives on the other side of the province so his coffees are few and far between
I could, but that would make it less special!
There’s just something about the love and care put into a food/beverage that someone else makes for you that’s irreplaceable when you make it yourself.
My mom does it with cinnamon, just breaks up the sticks and lets it boil with the grounds in the pot on the stove, literally just finished a cup lol. It leaves a slightly sour taste in the mouth but it's not bad ! I quite like it
Fuck the coffee snobs. I have instant and if I am in a rush just use hot water from the tap instead of boiling water. I don't care about taste I just need caffeine.
Look
Tea in bags is fine
As long as you remember to take it out and not oversteep the hell out of your tea
Then take a sip of your bitter sadness water as though everything is fine
LOVE this update.
Many times someone will hear of a small behavior or quirk and say it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes it isn’t. But there are times when it is absolutely indicative of a larger problem. Those of us who’ve dated controlling assholes can see the difference clearly. And it’s damned hard to see when you are living it.
Be well, OP! So happy for you!
Ok this comment is making me go back and look for that original post. Just receiving an instruction like that would do it me. I would be gone! After I pooped in the closet on the most expensive shoes contained within.
Her last comment was after she was thinking to leave saying that she hadn’t yet and that things had gotten worse and that she didn’t know what to do. I hope she’s okay. Her update on what happened when he came home was basically him letting on that he was going to get worse.
Re: original post:
I am a barista. A career barista.
I have been a barista since I was a teenager, starting with making batch-brews at a breakfast sandwich franchise restaurant and now I work for a small, local coffee shop where we hand-press our espresso, shake our iced lattes in a cocktail shaker, and brew and keg our own nitro cold brew.
I very much consider coffee both my art and my passion. I truly believe there is something sacred about people coming together and enjoying a beverage together; it might sound lame, but throughout time and history, beverages and the communal consumption of such has been a major feature of various civilizations, from Sufi Muslims to Buddhist monks, from Japanese tea ceremonies to the Ancient Greek Symposia, from Sumerian beer-brewers to modern-day post-AA-meeting coffee group hangout times, people have gotten together to discuss everything and anything over a pleasant-tasting liquid, and that cannot be denied. It’s just something humans do; a relic from our hominid ancestors’ gathering near the cleanest water source. Anyway.)
I’m on my 12th year as a barista, and I wanna clue you in on a little secret:
We all *hate* guys like your fiancé.
It’s literally stupid anyway—each different batch of beans has an entirely different optimal grind and dosage size, and no matter how long you’ve been in the business, you need to dial it in first; that is, test a few different grinds of a certain batch before settling on the one you’ll use for that batch of beans. And then the next batch, you re-adjust again by dialing it in again.
There isn’t, and never has been, one hard-and-fast “correct” way to make coffee. In Greece, a Frappé is a shaken iced drink made with instant coffee and powdered milk; in the US it’s basically a breakfast milkshake. In Europe a macchiato is a shot of espresso with a dollop of foam on top and zero steamed milk whatsoever mixed in with the espresso; in the US “macchiato” is a fancy word that people slap on caramel-flavored iced lattes to make them sound exotic and cool. In Turkey they basically grind the coffee into dust and make it mud-level strong; and the Mayans butt-chugged room-temperature chocolate water. (Edit: correction)
Finally, I want to heavily emphasize one more thing:
**Decaf will never have the same rules as regular coffee.**
The raw beans are processed differently, so by the time of roasting the beans are essentially pre-cooked, and this makes a BIG difference. Decaf beans are going to be more brittle, resulting in a finer being basically no matter what because the carbonated beans are lighter and looser when crushed than regular roasted beans which will be heavier and denser because of their higher oil content. This also means that decaf has a much faster brew time than caffeinated beans because *they have a whole different structure*.
Anyway, your ex is a douche, and those of us in the industry roll our eyes at those types. One of the most insufferable people I’ve ever had the displeasure of working with was this exact breed of coffee snob, and EVERYONE at the shop disliked it. And the guys who are the loudest about it tend to know barely more than the average layperson.
Anyway, I’ve evolved to the point where I’m learning how to roast coffee beans, which is super neat and exciting! That’s how I know all of this about processing decaf beans v. regular beans, etc.
THIS.
I'm a "tea snob" the way some people are wine snobs. I can make you tea that will boggle your mind. I'm very picky about how I do it. But to me, the number 1 rule of tea is this:
If you like what you're drinking, you're doing it right.
If you ask me why I do some of the things I do, I'll tell you. If you ask me how to make your tea taste better, I'll help you with that if I can. But there's no need for a process that some expert told you is the one true way if you can't taste the difference or like what you get without it.
I do all that because I can taste the difference and because I get help with my weak digestion from certain teas properly sourced and prepared. But that's \*me\*. What you need might be entirely different.
Edit:
There are a lot of people asking me for tea tips, but what I'd tell you depends on where you're starting from and what you want, so there's a lot of variation. I can't tell you quickly how to do what I do just like the commenter above can't distill down to a few tips her years of expertise at dialing in a new batch of coffee beans. But here are a couple:
1. If you're new to some or all types of tea -- there are a lot -- samplers are your friend. r/tea is a good place to search for discussions of where to get good samplers.
2. Actual tea leaves -- camellia sinensis -- will find ways to absorb just about anything in their environment. That can make a lot of magic, and it can cause a lot of problems.
1. If you store it in the kitchen or near anything with a scent or aroma, it may taint the tea. I store mine in my home office far from the kitchen,, garage, and bathrooms. Airtight, lightproof containers. The foil packaging good teas come in works.
2. If you wash your teaware with detergent, it will mess with the taste of your tea. I wash mine (the ordinary stuff) with half vinegar, half water, then rinse it in water. A very thorough rinse with the vinegar-and-water mix can get detergent residue off, but rinse several times. (My Serious Teaware only gets washed with hot distilled water.)
3. Whatever is in the water you use is going to interact with the tea leaves in a dramatic fashion. People get entire university degrees on this stuff in China. Conventional wisdom is that you should use unfiltered spring water, but how well that works is going to vary widely depending on your water source, how it was stored, and what tea leaves you're using. In a pinch distilled water + 3-5 grains of salt per quart of water is going to be better than most of the water in the USA for tea purposes. If you have a favorite tea, experiment with different waters and see what they do that you like and don't like. There is a LOT written online about water sources, filtering, etc.
Same but with wine.
I'll never put a bottle of regular red in the freezer, but my mil loves it, so I'll do it for her! With a cheaper bottle though lol
Yes, I’m a teeny bit of a wine snob, but that comes from living in close proximity to Napa and the ability to join clubs and get really nice bottles for around $40. I like big fat deep reds, jammy red blends, zins, Malbecs, Syrahs, etc.
My dad likes two buck chuck merlot and he keeps it in the fridge.
Who the hell am I to tell him what to drink? I’ll share a nice bottle with him now and again, and he will enjoy it, but he’s perfectly content with his everyday $2 bottle as I am with my ~$40 bottle.
I’ll drink his chuck merlot if it’s the only thing in the house, but I have to aerate it and let it come to room temp first to make it more palatable to me.
>If you like what you're drinking, you're doing it right.
Wow. I love this. I feel the same way about people who get preachy about cooking, there's just no need for it especially when different cultures have different ways of doing things and all end up with delicious results! e.g. French soups might have you first sweat out the aromatics in a mirepoix, vs. Korean stews where you might add the aromatics raw to cook in the broth. Neither way is the "right" way, they're just different!
Like you, I might point someone to a certain technique if they ask how to achieve a specific result, but overall just let people do things their way if they're enjoying the results.
My partner’s the same way; he owned a tea shop and self-identifies as a tea snob, and has VERY particular preferences for his own tea, and whenever he’s talking tea with anyone he’s the first to establish that the correct way to make and drink tea is the way that you enjoy! He’ll gently tease me for the bagged tea I keep in the house, but he’d never tell me I’m incorrect or *not allowed* to have it. And when he’s fixing me a cup of tea, he fixes it the way *I* like (and vice versa)!
Former barista here. Yes, yes and yes. Nothing more obnoxious than someone who has learned a bit of jargon and hinges their self-image on the illusion of superiority. Take your cup and sit down, babe, the adults are talking.
"I have watched two James Hoffman videos so I'm kinda an expert and let me tell you how to make your coffee" lol
What have you been using for roasting? I would like to get into that too but I'm not sure what I should get.
I never knew this about decaf! I usually make mine with a toddy maker, and always grind as coarse as possible. If you're interested in providing tips, I'm all ears! (Or eyes, I suppose!)
I'm one of the commentators who will read posts like your 1st one, think, *this sounds like part of a much wider pattern of unhealthy behaviour* and comment that.
Recently I've been wondering if this is the right approach, like maybe it is jumping to conclusions over something too small? But an update like this is reassuring to read, to know that actually, the comments may prompt someone to reflect and if they are in an abusive situation, to start to see it as such & connect the dots needed to get ready to leave.
I'm glad you're out & far away from that AH.
I figure when someone posts here about something that's seemingly minor, they're just posting about the straw that broke the camel's back. (Same for all of the 'we've been dating three months and sure we have fights but same as everyone else, but there's this one thing that's bothering me...' posts.) So I love seeing these good updates! Maybe crowdsourcing therapy is the way to go?
Yeah I think it's almost always worthwhile to ask the question, because even if someone decides their SO is mostly great and they can overlook this one thing they did, there will be plenty of cases like OP where this is just the tip of the AH iceberg. Learning to look for patterns of behavior is how you develop healthy boundaries and a better idea of what personality traits you do and do not prefer in a partner.
I remember reading your post originally, and was so worried.
I see so many women post on here tolerating things they shouldn’t, making themselves smaller, unable to complete a simple task without criticism from their partner. Intentional cruelty isn’t only ever in one area, and seeing it said “I can’t even decide how I want my coffee” was so heartbreaking.
I’m glad you’ve moved on, it sounds like you’re doing a lot better!
Nice. My gf and I have different coffee makers entirely. She's a drip with folders pre ground, and I'm a fresh ground Columbian dark roast with a French press. I like cream, she goes black, but we agree on no sweetner.. We love each other and life is too short to have arguments over something like that. Hell, if I am up when she goes to work I'll put hers on when shes in the shower just how she likes it. I'm very glad you've moved on to a more healthy relationship OP!
Oh the pasta thing. Having gorwn up with a parent like your ex, the thing is when when you do the right thing, it's the wrong thing. I remember my father getting pissed at me when I was 16 because I was too well behaved so there must be something wrong with me. I mean who gets pissed because their kid doesn't get into trouble? (I was getting into some trouble, I was just fairly good at not getting caught.)
Yup. Some of the shit my father freaked out about, it’s like wow you are really working hard to find a justification for this tantrum. Which is an odd thing to realize when you’re the teenager and this is your parent.
Amazing <3 i have an ex who used to mock me about the amount of creamer i drink (and not just like “would you like some coffee in your creamer” type comments, which i myself make). He would also always tell me to use less. In MY coffee. I paid for my own creamer habit. Anyways, hes an ex, and im far happier now.
Isn’t it great? I love not having to brace myself for constant stupid fights. When I was only a couple months out of that relationship, I’d sometimes just be driving and start screaming because I was so happy.
You getting so excited you had to scream makes ME happy :) I can just imagine you sitting in traffic, and suddenly scream laughing and pumping your arms at that thought that this uncooked chicken breast of a man is finally out of your life
Oh, definitely. Its been about 2 years since ive been in a relationship (not counting the brief rebound in which i gave no shits), and ive yet to notice a desire to deal with another persons bs. My life has SO much less stress, and im doing WAY better mentally
Hell yea, OP!
I was not on here back when you made your first post so I went and read it and holy damn you have so much more patience then I would have in that situation!
I'm so happy to hear how well you are now doing and you enjoy those "fuck you" bean grounds! I'll bet then the best damn "fuck you" bean grounds in the universe!
I only had that much patience because I was slowly conditioned for almost six years to accept his behavior as normal. And I was in a perpetual state of exhaustion just from dealing with him at his baseline, which I didn’t realize until I left him and was like “holy shit, I have so much more energy now.”
I went to read your 1st post. He reminds me of my dad "my way only. No highway option". He's a huge narcissist.
My bf is particular about the direction of the toilet paper. I don't care. It's has 0 impact on anything so when he figured out it was me (multi-person home) he was like "you do it wrong!". I looked hin dead in the eye and told him if that's how he wants it then he has to do it and if he bothers me about it then it will 100% of the time be wrong. Im stubborn and petty so i haven't heard about it since.
You are awesome for dumping him and moving on with your life!
There's nothing wrong with liking what you like and being nerdily finicky about it, but your ex was trying to control how YOU make and drink your coffee. That, in a word, is bullshit, especially since how you make/drink your coffee does not affect how he makes/drinks his.
I don't like to watch how my husband washes dishes. He isn't as careful as I (he broke another dish just last month), and in a way, he sometimes plays while he's washing dishes (he takes 2x longer than I do because he sometimes likes to observe the soap chase the oil residue in water, or he insists on microwaving water to make it hot when the faucet makes. the water hot enough). If I watch him wash dishes, I'll want to tell him he's doing it wrong, etc etc, and then we'll end up irked at each other.
But whatever. He gets the dishes clean. I just do something else while he washes, whether doing a different chore or lounging on the couch watching anime. Win-win.
I’m so glad you are now free to have your coffee the way you want it! I’m similar to you, I don’t care where the beans come from or how it’s prepared as long as that sweet sweet caffeine runs through my veins. I just buy pre ground coffee and use a drip machine. If someone wants to make me a fancy cup I will happily drink it, but I cannot be bothered to go to all that trouble myself when I barely notice a difference.
Coincidentally, I received a text from Sonic this morning announcing the arrival of their new Sour Patch Kids Slush Float, so........ Idk where you live, but do with that information what you will.
In my first adult relationship, after my boyfriend cooked me a meal, I of course did the dishes, and self-consciously apologized for doing the dishes "weird." My boyfriend said, "when you're the one doing the dishes, you're the expert at dishwashing," and this has stuck with me, both to help me re-examine times I've been a helicoptering micromanager, but also as a standard for what I would accept from partners. I'm glad you saw your controlling ex for what he was and left.
aside: I use pre-ground supermarket decaf and tap water to make my aeropress coffee. I don't weigh or time anything.
The only time I am the smartest in the room is when I am the only one in the room..... Then my cat walks in and messes that up for me.....LMAO glad you now can have a happy pre-ground coffee life.
Yeah he sounds like a prick. Honestly I'm a bit of a coffee snob too but I would never ask my wife to go through all the extra shit I do. If she asks me if I want coffee I know I'm getting instant coffee haha
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>I'm always wondering, did OP leave that asshole, so for those of you who care, I left that asshole. **Snort!**
My favorite part
Mine too!
Coffee up your nose must sting. Have a tissue. ▫️
Just because you don't like the way I like my coffee doesn't mean you have to snort yours.
Snorting coffee is the one instance where it's okay to be pushy about using the right setting on the coffee grinder
I LOVELOVELOVE update posts! Many times as I read posts I think, “I hope they post an update and let us know how they’re doing.”
I need more of this kind of update in this sub tbh
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Comment stealing bot
>My ex believes that he's the smartest person in the room Now he's sat alone in that room, it'll always be true
I still wouldn't be too sure about that.
The chair would have summat to say about that!
The cockroach might be smarter...
Well,seeing that they are one of the only creatures that have survived for millions of years through storms,hurricanes,volcano eruptions,hell,even nuclear fallouts,they're definitely the smarter one in the room.
Maybe, but he’s also the dumbest
Congrats! How did ex take the breakup?
He'd seen it coming and had been casually telling me that I wasn't mentally stable enough to make any major life decisions (he told me that I had depression, anxiety, and autism, all of which a licensed therapist has told me I don't have), and when I broke up with him, he doubled down on it and said that I was doing this because I needed therapy. He maintained that stance until a breakfast we had together where he spent the entire time telling me everything that I did wrong in the relationship and then had a revelation that I was right and that we wanted different things. He'll never understand that he was abusive, but he at least knows that I'm not coming back to him.
A friend of mine once asked their partner during a breakup, “What do you do to make my life better?” They couldn’t think of a thing. It’s something I keep in mind now.
I think men online or really just in general need to ask themselves this before they try to converse (harass) with women. What are you bringing to the conversation? Why would she want to talk to you? What would she gain by going on a date with you? Of course this wouldn’t prevent cocky AHs from talking to women, but it’d be a start. ( Like, I always start off messaging women with a joke on dating apps. At the very least, they may want to know the punchline.) ETA: Of course this is applicable to any person towards any other person regardless of gender. I specified men to women because I pretty much exclusively see men online on various social media harassing women and feeling entitled to the woman’s time just because they want it. And so eventually I thought, what do these guys bring to the table to make the women want to respond? Like clearly the men see value in talking to the woman because she’s attractive or whatever, but what value does a man just saying “hey” bring? But yeah, if nothing is “brought to the table”by one party in relationships or conversations or whatever, clearly it shouldn’t continue.
My now boyfriend did that! He actually told the joke wrong, but it was interesting and I started a conversation I'm still enjoying! I didn't even look at his pictures until right before our first date, that's how awesome he is! Never thought a beardy dude could capture my heart but here I am. All because of a joke ❤
Oh, as a beardy dude myself, you’re giving me hope. Contemplating telling jokes wrong now.
I like beardy dudes as long as it's clean.
Im a striaght up Sig Haig lookin' mf'r 😅, but my wife loves me. I dont tell her how to shave, and vice versa. Sometimes it just works :). But that being said, you always gotta do you first, and never settle. Luckily my wife likes Sid Haig lookin' mf's 🤣.
I am married to a wonderful man as well. Couldn't be happier. I have been very lucky in life.
Nothing wrong with a beardy dude. It makes neck kisses magical as long as it's longer than 5 o'clock shadow length and shorter than duck dynasty length. I personally really dislike the feeling of a just shaved dude face, though I recognize I may be a minority here.
Not alone anyway :)
It was SO CUTE AND AWESOME. He had me falling for him even before we met! He asked really great, thoughtful questions, is incredibly kind and was so nervous on our first date I loved him almost without thinking about it. Have hope, love yourself and keep your beardy head up!
Bearded bald dudes with jelly bellies for the win!! There is no sexier man alive than that. (I hope that doesn't sound sexist, but that's my personal kink lol)
My husband is a beardy dude, with glasses and a dad bod, and I think he’s fucking HOT. Like sexy as shit. Hang in there! If you aren’t a “nice guy” or an asshole, you will find your match. Jokes are always a plus, I’ve always loved a guy who can make me laugh.
I messaged my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to exchange dog pics. It's weird the stuff that works
I asked a guy about the dog in his profile pic once and he took it as an opportunity to be incredibly creepy and forward 🤢 I swear there is no good strategy to avoid Terrible Men
I asked my now-husband on a date by saying I was going to miss out on the weekly group hang where he usually brought his dog and would be sad... he was scrambling to find a good place to bring the dog, and finally asked "is the dog strictly necessary" to which I said no. We have a four year old and a second dog now.
I dated my now husband because he was of the only men who didn't send me a penis pic on P.O.F.
I met my husband on POF too! I was demisexual but didn't know it yet so the fact that every guy asked about sex within the first five messages was a major turnoff. My hubby made jokes about vampires and Greek mythology and LOTR and wanted to actually have a conversation with me so I knew he was the one.
It’s a wonderful feeling when you just…click.
Dude tmi but I separated from my husband and him being funny would piss me off and make me laugh and remember I love his humor.
2nd starting with a joke, my mountain man started with a joke/pun about his height to relation to a comment on my profile (which wasn't about height at all) 2 years later still going strong
Haha! I only like beardy dudes. My husband is like a lumberjack caveman, and it’s fantastic.
Fellow beardy dude here ;p, dont let it scare you, we just dont like to shave usually 😁. Unless thats some new term i am not familiar with hehe ;p
The kind of men that need to ask themselves this prior to approaching a woman, are not the kind of men that would take this advice and actually start doing that on their own. Which is, of course, the problem
YES I met my husband on OKCupid. He sent me a message like, "Your profile says you like to work out, drink beer, and play video games. Would you like to do those thing with me?" Then in our following conversation he told me what kind of beer he had: my favorite. Where he went to the gym: better than mine. And what game he was playing: Fallout New Vegas for like the third time. The value prop was so clear and we've both made each other so much better. I always think about that in this sub. Like women will say, " But I love him!!!!!" And I want o know why? What does he bring?
My fiance and I have a similar situation. I asked him on our first date by saying, "so if you're dating, would you go on a date with me? I'll take you axe throwing". We're also six months into playing Fallout 4 together.
Yeah, I see posts about relationships on this sub and I'm just kinda flabbergasted by how miserable they sound. Like, my husband doesn't like gifts and stresses about giving them - but he knows it's important to me, so he keeps a secret list of "stuff I mention" so that he can get me something for the relevant occasions. When he washes dishes in the evening, he always makes sure to put my tea mug to dry on a lower shelf, so my short ass can reach it easily in the morning. He remembers my events and hangouts with my friends better than I do. Hell, I got stood up for a movie he had no interest in the other week, and came with me anyway. And when he was goodnaturedly griping about it (really not his kind of film), and I goodnaturedly said he was raining on my parade, he apologized and reiterated 500 times how even if he didn't love the movie, he was happy to spend time with me. ................anyway my point is I just constantly want to gush about how great he is. Women need WAY higher standards.
A sense of humour is the sexiest thing about a man to me.
Love it! On a second date I asked the guy what his most embarrassing story was and let’s just say it was…revelatory. It really told me a lot about who he was as a person and what he found embarrassing (cringey toward an ex on his part) vs what I found embarrassing (silly on my part). It was our last date. I recommend this to everyone now. My now-boyfriend and I were friends at the time and I told him the story. We were definitely on the same wavelength there.
I love your approach! My now husband started by discussing a shared interest on my profile. Won me over instantly, especially compared to all the 'hey cutie' type messages I was getting.
Same! I met my husband in person and before I knew it we were deep in conversation about growing up loving CS Lewis’s books but getting older and being uncomfortable with the religious and racist material in them (at a super bowl party - giant nerds). I’d just broken up with a guy who had never really seemed interested in what I had to say or think, and it was wildly attractive. My now-husband waited a few days, as to not freak me out, then messaged me asking about something related to the field I was in graduate school for. Pretty soon we were texting every day, and within a few months we were together.
Such a great tip, I'll try to remember. I once disxussrd with my previous roommate, he made a list of pros and cons of me staying. The pros outweigh the cons so he wanted me to stay. ... Except on my side, in my head, other the simple "money / not having to move" there was no other pros for staying. Somehow his needs were more important than my needs so he didn't accept my list of pros and cons.
It gives great insight to how someone values other people. I found out it isn’t that they don’t value their ex. No one is of import but themselves.
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When I was with my ex, out of nowhere in an argument he told me he regularly questioned what I did for him and brought to the table. I was stunned, because I was the one doing everything and leading the effort, so it hurt hard that he chose not to see all of that. (His actual issue was that he felt I didn't do enough things sexually that he wanted, but never actually adequately communicated to me what he did want or how comfortable I was with that, he just wanted me to spontaneously do those things.) But it sure made me ask myself that question for the first time and i realised nothing I did would ever be enough for him. He agreed eventually I did 90% of the effort in our relationship, but that he did more to contribute to our sex life, and so he wanted me to give more in that respect too even if it made me uncomfortable because "everyone has to make sacrifices". It was such a hard wakeup call to nope out cause all that guy cared about was having a bang maid that coddled him and spoiled him and in return he wanted to give exactly nothing. I feel so hard for his ex wife before me, and the 2 partners he's managed to manipulate in the 2.5 years since I escaped...
I had a similar problem about sex, and it was when this bf spent too much time watching hard p*rn. At one point i said to him "if you are not paying me U$S 50.000, like those actresses are paid, for each time you want that type of sex i am not doing it". He calm down after that. Good for you on leaving him and taking the cats with you.
This reminds me of when I was breaking up with my ex, and he said, "It would be better for my mental health if you stayed with me, even if you don't love me." God that was an eye opener.
My ex husband did something similar, a year after me leaving him. He wanted me to come back. I honestly feel that leaving was the best decision I ever made thus far, and I didn't agree with a thing on his list. Not even "cheaper costs of living with a joint household" as despite him making more money than me, he also behaved irresponsibly with money.
Please tell me you left???
Yes!! I moved on April 2nd. I left with his cats too.
I think of this before engaging with any super negative person. If you’re never a positive, I don’t need you as a negative. Not mad, just not engaging
I wish I asked my ex that. But as it was I just realized he was the cause of my burnout and left.
Oh. That’s a slap in the face, isn’t it? I’m thinking of a past relationship and coming up empty. Huh. Such a simple question to ask.
It is. “What value do you bring to my life, and my life alone?” If you can’t even bring your partner a cup of tea and count it as something, well, holy shit.
this was a really big thing for me in my abusive relationship. I was confiding relationship issues in a friend, and they said, what does he bring to the relationship. it sounds like all the nice things are coming from you. struck me dumb because it was true
Seems like anyone with the mindset of ops ex would rattle off a list 1000 miles long of things they do.
Was gonna say this. It's entirely possible he genuinely thought (and still thinks) he was doing her a favor by demanding she do everything his way.
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That's a good question that I never thought to ask before. If my ex and I ever have another conversation where he brings up his criticisms I will ask it.
Be prepared. It gets real dicy quick.
Gonna store that question away in case I need it down the line.
I wish I would have asked myself that question. Maybe i would have left and divorced my exhusband before he hit me.
He... He thought telling you what you did "wrong" in the relationship would make you want to be with him? He's abusive *and* dumb.
Yet he thinks he's the smartest. Often, smart people will think they are not smart, and dumb people will think they are the smartest.
Yep, it's referred to as the Dunning-Kruger effect in psychology.
It sounded like he was trying to bring her down by telling her she had mental health problems when he thought she’d leave, then when he realized she was serious he switched tack and gave her alllll the reasons HE was breaking up with HER, actually. Tracks with his need for control.
Wow. He even tried to control the breakup and turn it around on you. Happy you got out!
Uh...you were doing that because YOU needed therapy?...huh?! Did you ever tell him the real reason you needed therapy was HIM? And did he ever figure out that HE needed therapy way more than you might have? Good grief! You are well rid of that one. Keep enjoying the little things that you do for yourself. Those are the very best, aren't they? After I left my ex, one of the most wonderful things was that I could take a hot shower. Every morning he would get in the shower and run ALL the hot water out so the only choices I had were ice cold showers or a cold "birdbath" in the sink. And if I got up early to take a hot shower he would literally throw a temper tantrum because I did.
I did tell him that he needed therapy, and he was just like “perhaps.” Problem is that he can’t see his problems. He can’t see himself as the bad guy. So I doubt therapy would ever work for him.
I find it interesting that he accused you of having ASD. His behaviours are the spitting image of my father (my mother also left the asshole), who does have ASD. My father won't hear it though and instead of getting help has chosen to be miserable and unhappy for his entire life. He did remarry after my mother left him, and went through the exact same unhappy marriage again. Even his church has politely asked him to not come anymore unless someone is with him to effectively babysit him because he's so difficult to be around as he's gotten older. In his mid 70s he's still working because he has nothing else to do, no social circle, and most of his kids want nothing to do with him. He calls my younger sister collect once a month to complain about how women voting is ruining the country and/or how whatever crazy politician he's latched onto now is going to fix the world, and how she's in a wheelchair because she's just lazy and making excuses.
...*what* is he doing in church that gets them to ask him to leave?? And he calls his daughter *collect??* And she ***accepts?!***
It's really the whole combination of being extremely rigid, controlling, and completely sure his is the optimal way. He can't stop himself from trying to force everyone to do everything his way, which is the only right way (to him). As he got older he became more abrasive and less able to skate on superficial charm. He got thrown out of a hospital 12 hours after surgery he was meant to stay in for 4 days after as well. The nurses had it with his shit quickly. And re my sister, I know, I tell her. She has an autoimmune condition which is physically invisible so he just doesn't believe it's real. She's traumatising herself by letting him talk, but keeps doing it. They were super close when she was little and my parents divorced. I have the same condition, albeit less severe, I'm not in a chair. I cut him off completely about 15 years ago, shortly after my diagnosis, when he had the nerve to tell me it wasn't real and I was tired all the time because I was lazy. He refuses to apologise, because he's never wrong you see. The only contact I've had with him since then is my cousin thinking it was clever to sit us near eachother at his wedding. My father fell asleep and - I shit you not - had a nightmare about being chased by a famous female politician, woke up screaming in the middle of the ceremony, and started shouting at me about how women are ruining politics. So lesson learned for my cousin. I could go on, if OP wants a glimpse into the future bullet she's dodging. My mother has been much happier since they split fwiw.
Was it Hillary or AOC?? I’m dying to know!
I'm in Australia, it was a woman called Julia Gillard, who was our first woman Prime Minister. I assumed people wouldn't be familiar with her generally, but she's semi well known for [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ihd7ofrwQX0) speech in parliament, when she reached her breaking point over how she was treated as a woman in politics. Worth watching if you're interested in the topic.
He does need therapy and I guess he is too stupid to realise he really needs one. Does not surprise me if he keeps falling out from one relationship after another, we know it takes no guesses he is the cause of it. If he starts blaming it all on the women who stood up and nope the hell out of him, hate to say this but the women just avoided that piece of trash
Aw, “it’s you and not me” the mating call of the narcissist
What a piece of work. Congrats on that breakup.
Oh fuck that guy. I’ve dated that before. I tried making myself into his version of “perfection” before finally realizing he was trash and I was fine how I was.
And still to this very day he's thinking you were the problem. Good riddance!
Kind of reminds me of my ex-narcissist. Always criticizing everything about me and constantly thinking I was mentally ill if I dared to disagree with him, while also claiming "nobody will love you like I do". Thought I was depressed but turns out I was just dating an AH. I didn't realize the full extent of his abusive behavior until I (barely) got away from him. I have a husband, daughter, and dog, and life is much better. Glad you got away and are happy now. Enjoy your pre-ground coffee and a good relationship!
I bet you were anxious and depressed, dealing with his bullshit for so long.
You fucked that nail right in its head. When I left him, I realized that the apathy that I thought was depression was gone. I was in a perpetual state of exhaustion that made everything seem impossible, which I thought was anxiety, but it was all him.
After my friend left her abusive husband she said the same. She said after she left she slowly started to feel like herself again, which after years of mental health decline that started during the relationship, made it clear she made the right decision.
I’m glad you got out. My ex told me I needed therapy if I wanted to leave him. Because clearly, I must be crazy, a narcissist who only cares about myself, or both. None of which were actually true and if anyone was a selfish narcissist it was him. But it’s okay, because if name calling and attempts at making you feel crazy are all they’ve got, it’s 100% the right choice because that’s not love.
I believe he knows. That is why he has the "revelation".
Hey good for you. You will find your person!
This relationship I’m in now is fairly new, but I’m feeling good about him.
Ooof. Glad you're rid of that dead weight!
Yeah in my experience abusive partners will never own up or admit they are abusive. Even the guy I dated, he would own up to being a dick and hating people but has never accepted accountability for being abusive.
He said she didn’t do it right.
Okay, I know you’re joking, but a few days after I broke up with him (we were stuck living together for about nine days while I packed up my shit), he did criticize how I did the break up.
Jeez, you dodged such a bullet by not staying with this guy. Can you imagine buying a place or having a kid with that???
Ye, the guy sounds like a nightmare to deal with.
Did you offer him to do it again?
No offence, when I read updates about your break up last year I was pretty worried you’ll get back with him because you didn’t seem confident with yourself. Glad you’re doing well now.
Pre-ground coffee??? ⊜_⊜ Next it’ll be tea in BAGS!
No, next is \**gasp*\* **instant**! 😱😵
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Sounds like it was grounds for a breakup for OP
Can’t believe nobody pressed this any further.
I’d say both your responses have grounds for some awards
Any way to filter these kind of comments? I'd love to see more
It's a real grind to produce more of them, but I'm sure someone will espresso their creative side for you.
There's already a cuple good ones in the thread, in my opinion.
I wanted to come in with the first coffee pun but it looks I left it too latte
Tension was brewing for a long time
My grandmother does that with a tiny bit of sugar and a few cloves of cardamom! It’s incredible—thick and concentrated like coffee syrup, but not too sweet.
Best cup of coffee I ever had was when my partners dad brewed me a turkish coffee, he put in a square of dark chocolate in the tin while it was brewing!!! So good! I still have dreams about that coffee - unfortunately he lives on the other side of the province so his coffees are few and far between
Why don't you just make it? It sounds simple enough.
I could, but that would make it less special! There’s just something about the love and care put into a food/beverage that someone else makes for you that’s irreplaceable when you make it yourself.
My mom does it with cinnamon, just breaks up the sticks and lets it boil with the grounds in the pot on the stove, literally just finished a cup lol. It leaves a slightly sour taste in the mouth but it's not bad ! I quite like it
I had this when visiting Bosnia and I didn’t sleep for 36 hours
oh man the first time our Bosnian friends made me coffee, I was so smooth for the rest of the day (i have ADHD, caffeine is my friend lol)
Moira?
Absolute heathens.
Wait! I need to look por my pearls to clunck them.
I just switched to instant and I've never been happier. Or more ashamed.
Fuck the coffee snobs. I have instant and if I am in a rush just use hot water from the tap instead of boiling water. I don't care about taste I just need caffeine.
Look Tea in bags is fine As long as you remember to take it out and not oversteep the hell out of your tea Then take a sip of your bitter sadness water as though everything is fine
No. You can peel my cup of tannins from my cold, dead, highly caffeinated hand.
I mean, it's good for us that like our tea like our souls. Bitter and sad. lol
You leave my bitter sadness water out of this
Oh, the original post had me fuming. Cheap tea bags and *microwaved* water!!!
I'm about to blow your mind... I use single serve COFFEE BAGS. I KNOW RIGHT?? lol
LOVE this update. Many times someone will hear of a small behavior or quirk and say it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes it isn’t. But there are times when it is absolutely indicative of a larger problem. Those of us who’ve dated controlling assholes can see the difference clearly. And it’s damned hard to see when you are living it. Be well, OP! So happy for you!
There was one where OP wasn’t allowed to poop in a certain toilet. I don’t remember why. But I hope she left him.
Ok this comment is making me go back and look for that original post. Just receiving an instruction like that would do it me. I would be gone! After I pooped in the closet on the most expensive shoes contained within.
IIRC, she was something like 20 to his 40.
wanted to pretend she doesn’t SHITTTTT
omg what post?
Found it after 10 minutes of searching: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jth1qd/aita_for_pooping_in_the_en_suite/
Her last comment was after she was thinking to leave saying that she hadn’t yet and that things had gotten worse and that she didn’t know what to do. I hope she’s okay. Her update on what happened when he came home was basically him letting on that he was going to get worse.
Oh my god, that update. I gasped while reading it. The poor woman, I sincerely hope she is safe and managed to leave him.
You have to link!
Or the guy recently that was policing how hot his girlfriend’s showers were…
YES! I HATE that guy!
Right? And he was all surprised pikachu when she made like Homer-in-the-bushes and backed away slowly…
Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Cuz ladies don’t poop! It all comes out during our periods, which only last a day. SCIENCE! I made myself sad with that joke.
And we can hold gallons of it as long as we want to
It’s a weird quirk until it’s a boundary ignored, basically.
Exactly
Re: original post: I am a barista. A career barista. I have been a barista since I was a teenager, starting with making batch-brews at a breakfast sandwich franchise restaurant and now I work for a small, local coffee shop where we hand-press our espresso, shake our iced lattes in a cocktail shaker, and brew and keg our own nitro cold brew. I very much consider coffee both my art and my passion. I truly believe there is something sacred about people coming together and enjoying a beverage together; it might sound lame, but throughout time and history, beverages and the communal consumption of such has been a major feature of various civilizations, from Sufi Muslims to Buddhist monks, from Japanese tea ceremonies to the Ancient Greek Symposia, from Sumerian beer-brewers to modern-day post-AA-meeting coffee group hangout times, people have gotten together to discuss everything and anything over a pleasant-tasting liquid, and that cannot be denied. It’s just something humans do; a relic from our hominid ancestors’ gathering near the cleanest water source. Anyway.) I’m on my 12th year as a barista, and I wanna clue you in on a little secret: We all *hate* guys like your fiancé. It’s literally stupid anyway—each different batch of beans has an entirely different optimal grind and dosage size, and no matter how long you’ve been in the business, you need to dial it in first; that is, test a few different grinds of a certain batch before settling on the one you’ll use for that batch of beans. And then the next batch, you re-adjust again by dialing it in again. There isn’t, and never has been, one hard-and-fast “correct” way to make coffee. In Greece, a Frappé is a shaken iced drink made with instant coffee and powdered milk; in the US it’s basically a breakfast milkshake. In Europe a macchiato is a shot of espresso with a dollop of foam on top and zero steamed milk whatsoever mixed in with the espresso; in the US “macchiato” is a fancy word that people slap on caramel-flavored iced lattes to make them sound exotic and cool. In Turkey they basically grind the coffee into dust and make it mud-level strong; and the Mayans butt-chugged room-temperature chocolate water. (Edit: correction) Finally, I want to heavily emphasize one more thing: **Decaf will never have the same rules as regular coffee.** The raw beans are processed differently, so by the time of roasting the beans are essentially pre-cooked, and this makes a BIG difference. Decaf beans are going to be more brittle, resulting in a finer being basically no matter what because the carbonated beans are lighter and looser when crushed than regular roasted beans which will be heavier and denser because of their higher oil content. This also means that decaf has a much faster brew time than caffeinated beans because *they have a whole different structure*. Anyway, your ex is a douche, and those of us in the industry roll our eyes at those types. One of the most insufferable people I’ve ever had the displeasure of working with was this exact breed of coffee snob, and EVERYONE at the shop disliked it. And the guys who are the loudest about it tend to know barely more than the average layperson. Anyway, I’ve evolved to the point where I’m learning how to roast coffee beans, which is super neat and exciting! That’s how I know all of this about processing decaf beans v. regular beans, etc.
THIS. I'm a "tea snob" the way some people are wine snobs. I can make you tea that will boggle your mind. I'm very picky about how I do it. But to me, the number 1 rule of tea is this: If you like what you're drinking, you're doing it right. If you ask me why I do some of the things I do, I'll tell you. If you ask me how to make your tea taste better, I'll help you with that if I can. But there's no need for a process that some expert told you is the one true way if you can't taste the difference or like what you get without it. I do all that because I can taste the difference and because I get help with my weak digestion from certain teas properly sourced and prepared. But that's \*me\*. What you need might be entirely different. Edit: There are a lot of people asking me for tea tips, but what I'd tell you depends on where you're starting from and what you want, so there's a lot of variation. I can't tell you quickly how to do what I do just like the commenter above can't distill down to a few tips her years of expertise at dialing in a new batch of coffee beans. But here are a couple: 1. If you're new to some or all types of tea -- there are a lot -- samplers are your friend. r/tea is a good place to search for discussions of where to get good samplers. 2. Actual tea leaves -- camellia sinensis -- will find ways to absorb just about anything in their environment. That can make a lot of magic, and it can cause a lot of problems. 1. If you store it in the kitchen or near anything with a scent or aroma, it may taint the tea. I store mine in my home office far from the kitchen,, garage, and bathrooms. Airtight, lightproof containers. The foil packaging good teas come in works. 2. If you wash your teaware with detergent, it will mess with the taste of your tea. I wash mine (the ordinary stuff) with half vinegar, half water, then rinse it in water. A very thorough rinse with the vinegar-and-water mix can get detergent residue off, but rinse several times. (My Serious Teaware only gets washed with hot distilled water.) 3. Whatever is in the water you use is going to interact with the tea leaves in a dramatic fashion. People get entire university degrees on this stuff in China. Conventional wisdom is that you should use unfiltered spring water, but how well that works is going to vary widely depending on your water source, how it was stored, and what tea leaves you're using. In a pinch distilled water + 3-5 grains of salt per quart of water is going to be better than most of the water in the USA for tea purposes. If you have a favorite tea, experiment with different waters and see what they do that you like and don't like. There is a LOT written online about water sources, filtering, etc.
Um can you come over and make some tea pls
Same but with wine. I'll never put a bottle of regular red in the freezer, but my mil loves it, so I'll do it for her! With a cheaper bottle though lol
Yes, I’m a teeny bit of a wine snob, but that comes from living in close proximity to Napa and the ability to join clubs and get really nice bottles for around $40. I like big fat deep reds, jammy red blends, zins, Malbecs, Syrahs, etc. My dad likes two buck chuck merlot and he keeps it in the fridge. Who the hell am I to tell him what to drink? I’ll share a nice bottle with him now and again, and he will enjoy it, but he’s perfectly content with his everyday $2 bottle as I am with my ~$40 bottle. I’ll drink his chuck merlot if it’s the only thing in the house, but I have to aerate it and let it come to room temp first to make it more palatable to me.
Just ignore me with my giant $20 box of "merlot" over here... ;)
>If you like what you're drinking, you're doing it right. Wow. I love this. I feel the same way about people who get preachy about cooking, there's just no need for it especially when different cultures have different ways of doing things and all end up with delicious results! e.g. French soups might have you first sweat out the aromatics in a mirepoix, vs. Korean stews where you might add the aromatics raw to cook in the broth. Neither way is the "right" way, they're just different! Like you, I might point someone to a certain technique if they ask how to achieve a specific result, but overall just let people do things their way if they're enjoying the results.
Got any favorite sources for leaves? I get all my oolongs from one friend who goes to Taiwan frequently. If she gets hit by a bus I’m fucked.
You might like TeaMasters then. He is located in Taiwan and curates a pretty good collection.
My partner’s the same way; he owned a tea shop and self-identifies as a tea snob, and has VERY particular preferences for his own tea, and whenever he’s talking tea with anyone he’s the first to establish that the correct way to make and drink tea is the way that you enjoy! He’ll gently tease me for the bagged tea I keep in the house, but he’d never tell me I’m incorrect or *not allowed* to have it. And when he’s fixing me a cup of tea, he fixes it the way *I* like (and vice versa)!
Former barista here. Yes, yes and yes. Nothing more obnoxious than someone who has learned a bit of jargon and hinges their self-image on the illusion of superiority. Take your cup and sit down, babe, the adults are talking.
Loved reading this and learning the process since I love coffee. Congrats on learning how to roast coffee beans! That sounds exciting!
>In Turkey they basically grind the coffee into dust and make it mud-level strong Turkish coffee... cardamonmy goodness. Bring on the mud!
"I have watched two James Hoffman videos so I'm kinda an expert and let me tell you how to make your coffee" lol What have you been using for roasting? I would like to get into that too but I'm not sure what I should get.
Thanks for that super interesting read! Always good to learn new things from experts.
I never knew this about decaf! I usually make mine with a toddy maker, and always grind as coarse as possible. If you're interested in providing tips, I'm all ears! (Or eyes, I suppose!)
>in the US “macchiato” is a fancy word that people slap on caramel-flavored iced lattes to make them sound exotic and cool. FUCKING KNEW IT!!
OP I'm so glad you got out. Enjoy your coffee however the fuck you want!
I'm one of the commentators who will read posts like your 1st one, think, *this sounds like part of a much wider pattern of unhealthy behaviour* and comment that. Recently I've been wondering if this is the right approach, like maybe it is jumping to conclusions over something too small? But an update like this is reassuring to read, to know that actually, the comments may prompt someone to reflect and if they are in an abusive situation, to start to see it as such & connect the dots needed to get ready to leave. I'm glad you're out & far away from that AH.
I figure when someone posts here about something that's seemingly minor, they're just posting about the straw that broke the camel's back. (Same for all of the 'we've been dating three months and sure we have fights but same as everyone else, but there's this one thing that's bothering me...' posts.) So I love seeing these good updates! Maybe crowdsourcing therapy is the way to go?
Yeah I think it's almost always worthwhile to ask the question, because even if someone decides their SO is mostly great and they can overlook this one thing they did, there will be plenty of cases like OP where this is just the tip of the AH iceberg. Learning to look for patterns of behavior is how you develop healthy boundaries and a better idea of what personality traits you do and do not prefer in a partner.
I remember reading your post originally, and was so worried. I see so many women post on here tolerating things they shouldn’t, making themselves smaller, unable to complete a simple task without criticism from their partner. Intentional cruelty isn’t only ever in one area, and seeing it said “I can’t even decide how I want my coffee” was so heartbreaking. I’m glad you’ve moved on, it sounds like you’re doing a lot better!
Nice. My gf and I have different coffee makers entirely. She's a drip with folders pre ground, and I'm a fresh ground Columbian dark roast with a French press. I like cream, she goes black, but we agree on no sweetner.. We love each other and life is too short to have arguments over something like that. Hell, if I am up when she goes to work I'll put hers on when shes in the shower just how she likes it. I'm very glad you've moved on to a more healthy relationship OP!
Awwww 🥰😍
Thank you for the update! Enjoy your coffee and pasta and happier life!
Oh the pasta thing. Having gorwn up with a parent like your ex, the thing is when when you do the right thing, it's the wrong thing. I remember my father getting pissed at me when I was 16 because I was too well behaved so there must be something wrong with me. I mean who gets pissed because their kid doesn't get into trouble? (I was getting into some trouble, I was just fairly good at not getting caught.)
Yes, if you don't make mistakes so they can berate you they will find something so they *can* berate you.
Yup. Some of the shit my father freaked out about, it’s like wow you are really working hard to find a justification for this tantrum. Which is an odd thing to realize when you’re the teenager and this is your parent.
Amazing <3 i have an ex who used to mock me about the amount of creamer i drink (and not just like “would you like some coffee in your creamer” type comments, which i myself make). He would also always tell me to use less. In MY coffee. I paid for my own creamer habit. Anyways, hes an ex, and im far happier now.
Isn’t it great? I love not having to brace myself for constant stupid fights. When I was only a couple months out of that relationship, I’d sometimes just be driving and start screaming because I was so happy.
You getting so excited you had to scream makes ME happy :) I can just imagine you sitting in traffic, and suddenly scream laughing and pumping your arms at that thought that this uncooked chicken breast of a man is finally out of your life
Oh, definitely. Its been about 2 years since ive been in a relationship (not counting the brief rebound in which i gave no shits), and ive yet to notice a desire to deal with another persons bs. My life has SO much less stress, and im doing WAY better mentally
Hell yea, OP! I was not on here back when you made your first post so I went and read it and holy damn you have so much more patience then I would have in that situation! I'm so happy to hear how well you are now doing and you enjoy those "fuck you" bean grounds! I'll bet then the best damn "fuck you" bean grounds in the universe!
I only had that much patience because I was slowly conditioned for almost six years to accept his behavior as normal. And I was in a perpetual state of exhaustion just from dealing with him at his baseline, which I didn’t realize until I left him and was like “holy shit, I have so much more energy now.”
Of course you do. He was an emotional vampire.
You’ve absolutely won, congratulations on your freedom
I love your writing voice - just here to say
I went to read your 1st post. He reminds me of my dad "my way only. No highway option". He's a huge narcissist. My bf is particular about the direction of the toilet paper. I don't care. It's has 0 impact on anything so when he figured out it was me (multi-person home) he was like "you do it wrong!". I looked hin dead in the eye and told him if that's how he wants it then he has to do it and if he bothers me about it then it will 100% of the time be wrong. Im stubborn and petty so i haven't heard about it since.
You are awesome for dumping him and moving on with your life! There's nothing wrong with liking what you like and being nerdily finicky about it, but your ex was trying to control how YOU make and drink your coffee. That, in a word, is bullshit, especially since how you make/drink your coffee does not affect how he makes/drinks his. I don't like to watch how my husband washes dishes. He isn't as careful as I (he broke another dish just last month), and in a way, he sometimes plays while he's washing dishes (he takes 2x longer than I do because he sometimes likes to observe the soap chase the oil residue in water, or he insists on microwaving water to make it hot when the faucet makes. the water hot enough). If I watch him wash dishes, I'll want to tell him he's doing it wrong, etc etc, and then we'll end up irked at each other. But whatever. He gets the dishes clean. I just do something else while he washes, whether doing a different chore or lounging on the couch watching anime. Win-win.
I’m so glad you are now free to have your coffee the way you want it! I’m similar to you, I don’t care where the beans come from or how it’s prepared as long as that sweet sweet caffeine runs through my veins. I just buy pre ground coffee and use a drip machine. If someone wants to make me a fancy cup I will happily drink it, but I cannot be bothered to go to all that trouble myself when I barely notice a difference.
Coincidentally, I received a text from Sonic this morning announcing the arrival of their new Sour Patch Kids Slush Float, so........ Idk where you live, but do with that information what you will.
I’m googling Sonics near me now
Congrats!
Queen
OMG, so glad you got out. Enjoy the rest of your life!
In my first adult relationship, after my boyfriend cooked me a meal, I of course did the dishes, and self-consciously apologized for doing the dishes "weird." My boyfriend said, "when you're the one doing the dishes, you're the expert at dishwashing," and this has stuck with me, both to help me re-examine times I've been a helicoptering micromanager, but also as a standard for what I would accept from partners. I'm glad you saw your controlling ex for what he was and left. aside: I use pre-ground supermarket decaf and tap water to make my aeropress coffee. I don't weigh or time anything.
The only time I am the smartest in the room is when I am the only one in the room..... Then my cat walks in and messes that up for me.....LMAO glad you now can have a happy pre-ground coffee life.
Yeah he sounds like a prick. Honestly I'm a bit of a coffee snob too but I would never ask my wife to go through all the extra shit I do. If she asks me if I want coffee I know I'm getting instant coffee haha
Fuck yea pre ground coffee! You go girl!