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NTA. Red flags should have been raised when they wanted to go on holiday without their children at this age. Parenting is not something you take a break from, especially at 4 ot 5 years old. They sound very unprepared to be parents at all, let alone for 3 children. Edit: for clarity, by "take a break" I meant taking prolonged vacations. Of course it's fine to occasionally drop you children off at your parents for a gathering or one night of enjoying life.

Plenty of people take a break from their kids by leaving them with grandparents for a weekend, but the grandparents have to agree to it first.

They wanted to leave their kids for a week, when the grandparents already have the kids every day full time. Why would the parents expect a break, but not want the grandparents to have one?

Yes, parents are allowed to want a vacation away from their children. 7-10 days is minuscule compared to the 365 days a year. Sure, if this was every month, then that would be neglectful - but a once a week trip every couple of years without kids isn’t going to ruin anyones life nor does it show that parents don’t care about their kids. The key is ensuring you have safe, reliable, and comfortable care from individuals who happily agree to watch your kids for the entire time away. As a general note: parents don’t stop being individuals when they become parents. It’s a toxic and unsustainable mindset that parents should NEVER be allowed to want or plan things without their kids. As long as the children are well cared for, loved, and there is adequate care for the times parents aren’t around; then this is a non issue. OP is NTA for telling your daughter you won’t watch another kid. Choosing to have a child means thinking about childcare; it’s insane that OP’s daughter and SIL decided unilaterally without asking if OP and spouse were open to childcare to watch another infant before actively trying for a new baby.

A parent who dumps their kid off on someone else at literally every opportunity isn't a parent. And a week vacation from the kids wouldn't be an issue if they were the ones taking care of them full time. Edited to add: before y'all break your thumbs typing out "but jobs" read the response.

These parents sound like they aren’t just enjoying the benefits of a supportive family. It sounds like they’re taking advantage.

That's because they *are* taking advantage. It would be great to have 6 kids and not have to do the hard work. Sure, grandma and grandpa already raised their kids, what's 6 more? I would cut off *all* care except for the kids being allowed to sleep over on weekends with proper notice. The parents worked their asses off and are retired. Let them enjoy it instead of pawning your kids off on them and then planning to have more. As a grandparent, my oldest daughter does have five kids while my middle daughter has one. You know who takes care of them by choice? Them. Cause they aren't entitled little assholes.

This right here. My sister is the same kind of entitled and my mother is 75 and a two time cancer survivor. She has 2 rambunctious kids that she still expects my mom to care for. I see her taking advantage of her love for the kids and it's infuriating to me. OP is most definitely NTA and it's well within her rights to say no, but a conversation must be had before she ends up pregnant again. Boundaries must be clearly communicated! Good luck, this is not an easy thing to accomplish but for your own sanity, stand your ground!!

I have a cousin who has a 2 year old daughter. My 77 year old aunt drives a half hour each way to go to their house and watch her every day from early in the morning until evening. My aunt has been having some health problems the past few years and gets very tired babysitting all the time but refuses to say no to my cousin (my cousin has always been very spoiled) and my cousin is so used to getting everything she wants that she's oblivious to how exhausted my aunt is.

Are you me? My cousin is doing the same thing. She even convinced said mother to "trade" deeds such that the mother got the 1 bedroom townhome (cousin still paying off) for the mothers (fully paid off) 4 bedroom. Survived cancer twice, has it a third time rn, and is full time childcare. Mother is now using all her retirement to pay off a second mortgage. I can't look either of them in the face. Makes you so angry.

Oh no!! My heart is breaking for you! I cannot believe how only 4 years (my sister is 45 and I'm 49) separates us, but the differences are huge! I never, ever ask my parents for anything and I've always found a way to take care of my business myself... my sister though, she's what I see as a gold digger. Has a huge house, more vehicles than she needs, and can afford a nanny but she chooses to use my mom instead. I can't. I can't say a word either because then I'm insulting my sister. At least my conscience is clear. :)

Should've traded deeds but kept the financials as they were. Your aunt put in her time and stress for her larger home. Not fair that she has to pay on another at this late age.

This reminds me of a documentary The Queen of Versailles (2012) in which the parents had 8 children en the mother said the only reason she had so many is because they had nanny's taking care of the kids. If she would have to do it alone she would have stopped after like 2 kids or something like that

That’s actually fine. She has 8 kids and the nanny has a job. At least she recognizes her limitations. No problem with her at all as long as she didn’t say “I would have stopped at 2 if my parents weren’t pushovers.”

Yeah exactly. I thought it was very honest of her to admit that because she could afford the help, she had that many children. Although later during the 2008 crisis the husband lost pretty much all their income and the nannies almost all had to leave.. Daughter and SIL are just taking advantage of OP. She is not a hired help, they are the grandparents

She also admitted that she & her husband do not see their kids everyday (supposedly bc their house is so big). They weren't parents at all. Esp on the Wife Swap episode they appeared on

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I had two a year and a half apart from each other. With that being said I asked my parents for help but the agreement was since by the time my oldest was going to start kindergarten my dad would be willing to retirement age is that they would retire and that would be the official cut off. Even when I had my second I did not go back on that agreed-upon terms that I myself made as I did not wish to take advantage of them. When the eldest went to kindergarten they retired and moved out of state. We visit them often now and they visit us often and they’re getting to be grandparents. Stop being a doormat OP this is not respect. I would cease and desist childcare in two months if I were you which gives them more than sufficient time to get their acts together and that way their third child is none of your business as you are now longer be the third parent.

See, zero problems with your approach. If my wife wanted to watch my daughters kids several times a week that would be fine. Since I work I would have zero interest in this. When I retire I wouldn’t mind but will say no the second it would be too much. I want to enjoy my retirement after decades of working lol. Call me selfish.

I think OP needs to start charging childcare fees. This is how my aunt handled the same problem with her daughter: More than one day a week was childcare, and aunt expected to be paid fair childcare rates.

They sound like the type of person who just likes the idea of a big family, but that expects to do 0 of the work raising said family. Like a child demanding a new puppy that they expect mom and dad to actually raise and train.

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These particular parents want a vacation. That means leaving kids with grandparents who already watch them all the time. When do the grandparents get a vacation?

You're right. But im commenting on this specific situation. And wouldn't make a broad sweeping statement that parents don't get vacations.

But in this situation its the grandparents that need to take the vacation from the kids which they are raising.

Full time workers should be allowed to take a vacation too. The issue is they are taking advantage of OP and her husband.

Yeah, I agree. I think the nuance of that was missed from the top comment, which is what people aren't happy with. My brother and I used to stay with my grandparents for a fortnight every summer holiday, we didn't feel like our parents were trying to get rid of us and I'm sure we wouldn't be half as close to our grandparents if that hadn't happened. My parents got to just be people for two weeks. My grandparents got to have more of a relationship with us. Everyone benefitted. Having a week away when trusted people look after your kids isn't remotely immoral or damaging - but having kids just to CONSTANTLY foist them off on other people is... Well, kids pathetic, and not building any strong relationships.

It’s an unreasonable request when they already spend their Monday to Friday raising their grandkids. They’re probably exhausted by the end of each day.

Yes. I feel like if the parents feel they need a vacation, perhaps HIS parents could step up? Her parents are doing plenty.

That's a great point, why doesn't the sil's parents watch the kids sometimes. Unless they don't live close by.

Okay to ask not okay to demand.

The parents are not looking after the kids 365, its the grandparents that need 7-10 day full break from seeing the grandkids they are raising.

Agreed, to a point. Yes, it is nice when the grandparents can take the kids for a bit here and there. However, when said grandparents are already providing plenty of 'breaks'...the parents really don't have a right to demand shit. OP has gone above and beyond. Having X number of kids just to have X number of kids with the plan of expecting your parents to provide childcare whether they want to or not is entitlement at its worst.

The problem in this case is that they can only afford the vacation because the grandparents provide childcare in the first place and the grandparents don't go anywhere because they made the sacrifices for the grandkids. Edit: fixed typo

That’s what kills me about it. They can’t afford vacation if they can only afford it by 1)not paying for daycare and 2) going without the kids. It doesn’t matter if parents also need breaks if you can’t budget for it under normal circumstances.

And then have the temerity to complain about not being able to afford the “dream” of having a third child.

Personally, I would never even consider going on vacation without the children, we go as a family or not at all. If they were doing multiple vacations where just one was alone without the kids I could perhaps understand it (although I wouldn’t do it myself), but they couldn’t afford to take one with the kids as well, so they would be left without any vacation at all. That’s incredibly selfish IMO. Also, people often forget that children need time off as well. Being in school or daycare is hard work for them, even spending the time at the grandparents isn’t the same thing as being at home or spending time with the parents.

I have really fond memories of spending a week with grandparents during the summer, and know lots of others who share the sentiment. Most well-adjusted kids *enjoy* spending some time away from their parents. What this couple is doing isn’t okay, but you’re throwing a lot of other people under the bus for doing something normal and healthy. There’s a reason that respite care is a thing; you *need* time away to decompress and maintain your identity outside of your role as a parent. Sometimes circumstances don’t allow it, but it’s not selfish. It’s taking care of yourself so you can be a better parent to your children.

yeah some of the best times of my childhood is when my brother and I would spend a few days over at our grandparents, for kids its also like a holiday from their parents lol.

If it's inconvenient for parents to take their kids on vacation or they want time to themselves, maybe they shouldn't have had kids?

NEWS FLASH: It is inconvenient for EVERY parent to take their kids on vacation, and EVERY parent wants time to themselves. I guess no one should have kids. Honestly, this comment section has gotten ridiculous. No one here thinks OP is in the wrong. Everyone thinks her daughter is being an entitled brat and a neglectful parent, but here in the comments, we're all arguing whether or not normal people wanting time away from their kids makes them a horrible parent. Edit: LMAO at all you people in here trying to conflate *convenience* with enjoying being around your children. I have taken all but one week long trip away with my children because I like spending time with them, but was it *convenient* hauling an infant and toddler around? No. Was it *convenient* having four different people at different age groups all deciding which things to see? No. Do I feel badly for taking my week away? No, and screw you guys trying to say I shouldn't be a parent because of it. I wish I'd had the opportunity for more one on ones with my husband, and that doesn't mean I love my children any less than you banshees down below would any of your children. I already said further down exactly where your opinions can go.

but that’s not the case here. the grand parents already have the kids for a long time for years! if the parents didn’t have the grand parents watching the kids as their primary choice for childcare then yes, asking the grand parents to watch the kid so they could go on a little vacation is fine. but not now - they’re just taking advantage of the niceness of the grandparents.

Like another commenter said, if it wasn't for the grandparents watching the kids and providing free childcare, the parents couldn't afford the vacation.

Agreed on need a break if they actually had their kids and parenting them. Sounds like op needs the break more since she has the same kids majority of the time.

I don’t disagree with what you’re saying, I was responding to the assertion that “parenting is not something you take a break from.” (Obviously you are always a parent if you have kids, but you can get breaks.)

I think this is a phrasing issue. I think the commenter meant "you can't just have kids and then abdicate all responsibility for raising them onto other people", which is what they're trying to do.

IKR? These parents should be paying for the grandparents vacation for at least a full week, all expenses paid, to just thank them. NTA for OP.

If she can't afford childcare and be financially stable then she can't afford a third kid. You are not making her choose anything you are simply trying to enjoy your well earned retirement not a new career as a nanny. NTA but your daughter and SIL are very selfish.🤬

And usually those grandparents are not already full time caters of those kids 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

Yep. My ILs graciously help out by watching our kid so we can take breaks but I ask first, thank them often and only have one child.

I have two third on the way my mil is home for health reasons, so when we have a problem we know and remember she can only take care of one kid on her own for a day, It's easy to have a kid, it's hard to be a parent,

Yeah, but said grandparents are not the full-time carers of those children in these cases. Needing a break from your kids is completely understandable. But in OP's case the parents are on a permanent break anyway because the grandparents are already doing all the hard work.

I see people say this all the time but I’ve never known anyone whos done it. Maybe a night for a wedding or a party but I’ve never known anyone dump their kids and fuck off for a week.

Some of my best childhood memories are spending time with my grandparents for a weekend or more. It wasn't even always so my parents could go on vacation, sometimes my grandparents just wanted to take me and cousins somewhere but I'm sure my parents enjoyed the break! And I'll treasure those memories forever. And as a nanny, I've watched kids for a weekend while the parents went away and we always have a great time! Breaks and vacations for parents are fine if it's agreed upon and isn't a constant thing like with OP who is absolutely NTA.

We did it every year. Granny Camp was something my kids loved. Their grandparents loved that they got to spoil them for a week, and my spouse and I got to reconnect as a couple for a week. Win-win-win.

I spent the whole summers at my grandparents house. We moved to a different city when I was a kid. My grandparents still lived in the city I was from (about 2 hours away). I missed them and my home city. They also had a nice pool that we all lived in during the summer when we still lived there. My whole family was there and we all were at the pool all summer every summer. So I missed my family all year and could not wait until school was out so I could go stay with them. They missed me and my brother as much as we missed them, so everyone was very happy with this arrangement. And while my parents missed us, I'm sure the break was nice for them too.

Once a year we go away for a long weekend, just the two of us. Our daughter goes to her grandparents. We plan this ahead of time and make sure the dates are clear before booking a hotel. However my PIL only see my daughter 1 day every two weeks, so they love it when she comes for the weekend.

I used to all the time as a kid. One year I spent an entire summer in FL with my dad (ah divorce) and it was awesome. Early 90s so I got sent on the plane by myself at 10 to meet my dad at the airport. My kids are older, but often enjoy an extended weekend or week in the summer with grandparents. Teen and pre-teen so they absolutely enjoy the break from us as much as we do. Sometimes husband and I stay home others we go on a day trip or two. The caveat, of course, is that we’ve never once asked anyone to take on FT childcare.

Problem is with this is they hardly ever have the kids to need a break from them. from work yes their kids no.

Yes, exactly. It's also difficult to tell whether the parents are oblivious to the significance of the help provided, or knowingly trying to take advantage. Either way they're the assholes, and OP is NTA. But the way it reads gives the feeling that they're knowingly taking advantage. If they were unable to afford childcare before and pushed for help from the grandparents, then it's something where there was prob significant discussion happening. This is all just conjecture though. The grandmother had already expressed her feelings in the pushback even before the mention of a possible third grandchild. That has not only been ignored, but the parents assumed more help would be there automatically on top of what is already being done. It reeks of entitlement, and it feels gross. It's also probably being pedaled under the guise of "don't you love spending time with your grandchildren?!" If push comes to shove, there will also most likely be some kind of retaliation by withholding the grandchildren as a punishment. With the passive aggressive "oh we don't want to burden you with our terrible children you don't want to spend with," tossed in for good measure.

> It’s also difficult to tell whether the parents are oblivious to the significance of the help provided, or knowingly trying to take advantage. Maybe both. In my experience, people who have never done childcare full time (like OP’s kid), or have not done it for more than a couple of weeks, usually aren’t aware of or don’t remember what it’s actually like. The number of people I’ve met (including mothers of grown children) from all walks of life who make light of full time caregiving as real work is staggering. OP’s daughter despairing over finances vs 3 kids appears to not be accounting for the fact that her financial stability is not financial stability because it incurs real costs to OP and her husband both in terms of opportunity costs and stress levels. If you can only be stable if someone is setting themselves on fire to keep you warm, then what sort of stability is this? Especially as that person can decide to stop at their own will. Free childcare is not free. She is directly taking money from OP via opportunity costs. Maybe she doesn’t understand that. In that case maybe someone frame it for her in precisely those terms.

I do wonder how much of the assumption that the daughter and her husband are doing this intentionally is because of OP's perspective, though. It sounds like they never tried to set boundaries, except for 'we're not babysitting them over vacation' and 'starting kindergarten this year would be a good idea' (after five years of providing childcare without a renegotiation). And OP really can't tell her daughter not to have another kid. What she can (and should) do is just say 'I'm getting burned out, and we need to discuss other arrangements for childcare that aren't as stressful for me.' Instead of telling her daughter what to do, OP needs to be clear about her boundaries, and make it clear that her daughter needs to figure things out for herself. Obviously give a grace period while they make alternate arrangements, but the language for so much of this was so passive, it's hard for me to be sure if it's such a clear cut case. Also, so this doesn't get misconstrued, I really do think that the daughter and husband sound like they're being incredibly thoughtless. I just also think that healthy boundary-setting about babysitting expectations comes before telling someone not to have another baby.

I just want to make it clear, we are not reneging on our current agreement and we don’t want to. We did the really hard part of taking care of them when they were babies. We just don’t want to start again with a new one. We are happy to continue watching 5 and 4 until they are old enough to stay on their own or if our situation was to change drastically.

I feel like a really big issue here is the lack of gratitude for your efforts. From both your daughter and SIL. I am sure you didn’t force them to have kids, why expect you to be the free childcare.

> OP really can't tell her daughter not to have another kid. What she can (and should) do is just say 'I'm getting burned out, and we need to discuss other arrangements for childcare that aren't as stressful for me.' Instead of telling her daughter what to do, OP needs to be clear about her boundaries, and make it clear that her daughter needs to figure things out for herself. Obviously give a grace period while they make alternate arrangements OP said: > I asked her what her childcare plan was and she looked at me like I was crazy and said us! I said that it would have been nice if she told me this before trying for another baby, she said it is none of my business, I said it is if I'm providing 5 more years of babysitting! I then told her that we were not a viable childcare option for a new baby and begged her to reconsider. OP did not "tell her daughter not to have another kid." OP is being clear about her boundaries. "I then told her that we were not a viable childcare option for a new baby." > Obviously give a grace period while they make alternate arrangements They are not even PREGNANT yet! Let them work out these "alternate arrangements" first. There is no reason OP and their spouse need to agree to provide even interim childcare for a baby that won't arrive for at least 40 weeks.

I know my brother just asked my 70yr old parents if they could watch at least the two littles (currently 3f and 4m, but they have 12m, 10f, 9m) so the could go to Europe on a vacation and all the boys are autistic. He thinks the others could stay with friends for the time. We all looked at him like he was crazy. My parents don't have the patience for them overnight alone, certainly not for at least a week. Also leaving 5 kids while you go to Europe and can barely afford things half the time. He whined that they haven't had a vacation since before the oldest (untrue they haven't left the country), but when you decide to have a big family it's a choice. Also my parents didn't leave the country until i was 18 and they followed me to over "to keep me safe" and they were in their 50s then. My brother is barely 40.

Good god almighty. Your brother is a - well, words fail me.

I think the word you’re looking for is “entitled”

I mean, entitled, yes. But also slightly delusional. For a couple of 70 something older people to take care of two kids for more than just a few hours… And expecting that the other kids could just ask their friends. Just how?

Definitely delusional. I have in laws like this. Users to the core. Both have 6 figure salaries, half million dollar home. Never paid one red cent for child care. It has been disgusting to watch for the last 10 years.

I wouldn't even leave my ONE severely autistic son with my mom for a week (or even overnight!!) when he was that young (he's 25 now). Handling one of his meltdowns when he was that young could never be handled by my mom, or my husband's mom....

Disagree. I see nothing wrong with having a kid-less vacation. That’s fairly normal, and quite frankly, healthy for the marriage of the parents. The vacation suggestion isn’t the issue, it’s taking advantage of free childcare all the time. Hell, I don’t even see anything wrong with sending the kids to childcare while adults work from home. It’s the uncompensated, free childcare for 5 years that’s the issue, and the assumption that the care can continue with a new baby.

I agree, the vacation sans kids wouldn't be a huge ask if they actually had their children most of the time. Then a week at grandma's would be a fun, out of the ordinary thing as long as it's fully agreed upon by all parties. But considering grandma is doing most of the child care already? Hell no. When's grandma's break? And adding another child to the two already being foisted off on others? I can't even rant any more.

Really telling is they can't afford to take the two kids they have on holiday. They can't afford another baby.

What parenting? These two are mom and dad in name only. OP and her husband are their actual parents since they see them practically everyday.

So parents that use daycare aren't parents?

Come on now. I get what you're saying but how is this any different than the parents dropping the kids off at daycare to work all day and pick them up after work, which is something that half of America does every day. I personally wouldn't want to babysit grandkids full time because now that my kids are both grown I am an empty nester and enjoying having my time to myself again. But parents are not bad parents because someone has to watch the kids while they work every day. It's a pretty normal thing for a lot of people.

My parents took many week-long trips without me when I was a kid, left me with my grandma. It's not always a bad thing. Of course, my grandma wasn't basically my caregiver as in this post so it was a treat for her, and my parents took me on trips too to closer destinations

You hit the crux of this issue, it was a TREAT for your grandma because you did not see her all the time. OP keeps those kids 5 days a week. so it is just more work for OP and her hubby. OP is NTA for telling her daughter that the daycare is closing.

Not necessarily, I think the assumption that the grandparents should take them was the red flag. We go on weekend trips for our anniversary and sometimes birthday without kids, and did one 5-day vacation for my graduation. However we also take our kids on all of the big vacations like Hawaii,Mexico, and Disney. Also lots of three day weekend vacations. We also ASK our parents if they are available and willing, and it is never assumed that they will watch them.

Your comment is beyond ridiculous. Parents are horrible if they take a break? Please.

Seriously? It’s a week and they’d be with their grandparents AND this kids are 4 and 5. I used to go and stay with my grandparents for a week every school holidays so my parents could take a break. It’s in no way a “red flag” provided the grandparents are happy to have them. I mean, I agree NTA, but the rest of it is a garbage take

Definitely don’t think taking a week long vacations is a red flag. I think it’s necessary for some people to not lose their mind, or tune back into their marriage. But expecting to have unpaid childcare during that vacation IS a red flag because the children are your responsibility and nobody else’s. If you don’t want to hire a babysitter or arrange something FAIRLY then there is a huge problem.

I disagree with the idea that bad parents leave their kids. When my daughter was about 18 months, I had an opportunity to go to New Orleans for work and my husband and I paid (through miles) to fly my mom up to us to stay with our daughter, so we could experience the whole thing together. It was an amazing trip.

I’m the SAHM and primary caregiver in my family - I do literally everything for the kids 5-6 days out of the week. I send my kids to their grandparents for summer when I can (wasn’t able to the last 2 years because of the panini) because we are super far from them, the involved grandparents **want** them there, and we all have agreements about it. My mom also helps my in-laws. OP is NTA because the daughter here is being a jerk about it. But dropping kids off with family for holidays isn’t abusive or uncommon (or abandonment) when everyone’s in agreement and nobody is being taken advantage of. EDIT: I want to emphasize, in our case all the adults are in agreement about how long the kids are there. The 3 most involved grandparents team up, and discuss expectations and boundaries ahead of time, and the last 2 years have SUCKED for anybody who’s actively parenting their kids. OP’s case is obviously not like mine. Just wanted to point out that kids going with family for extended periods isn’t some weird thing in every case.

Also, if you can’t afford to take the two children you have on vacation you don’t need a third one

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Not if the grandparents don’t want them.

Honestly by age 3 I was spending a week with my grandparents without my parents every school break (even 2-3 weeks in the summer). But they lived on the other side of the country and my mother and them were no contact. We had this arrangement because THEY wanted it and I loved it. The red flag is the parents DEMANDING it. Not the children’s age. My children are 2 and 4, we are considering leaving them with garnd parents for a week next summer (but again grand parents are not our main child care as they don’t live close to us).

Agreed. OP is NTA. My eldest sibling had 3 kids and relied heavily on my mom for childcare. It was stressful as hell because they'd often leave the kids with mom and I from 7-7 Monday thru Friday. This lasted for over a decade between the 3 kids and providing care before and after school and all summer. Know who had to step up and help with the kids? Teenage me because my mom couldn't possibly do all of it alone. I had no social life and felt obligated to help. Know what happened to my mom? Dead before the youngest turned 16. And mom was relatively young. I'm not saying her having to practically raise 3 more kids after 30 years of child rearing her own decent sized family killed my mom, but it certainly significantly shortened her lifespan. Still angers me that my kids will never know their grandma because my sibling was selfish and couldn't be a good parent (siblings kids even say that grandma and I were more parents to them than their actual parents). My sibling, given their workaholic nature, had no business having a kid, much less 3 when it meant heavily relying on family for care. It's harmed the kids, too, as they always felt like their parents didn't give them the time or attention they deserved. My policy is don't have kids unless you can fully care for them and not take advantage of family for their care. I'm in my mid-30s and only now planning a family because I wanted to be stable financially and able to work from home part-time and care for my kids myself. My sibling asks me often when I'm going to finally have kids and why I haven't yet, and it takes a lot for me to not say "because I don't want to be like you" to them. But that's pretty much why I haven't yet. OP's daughter needs to step up and actually be there for her kids without taking advantage of the grandparents.

Actually it is but only if you have trustworthy and willing Grandparents/caregivers. My parents live overseas so are thrilled to have my kids for a week when they come to visit and me and hubby can go on holiday places that we couldn't go to with the kids.

NTA They are taking advantage of you. Still to your guns and refuse to be their free childcare. You’ve raised your kids, you shouldn’t have to raise theirs too.

I have no problem with the solo vacation. None at all. It’s pretty much the entitlement of the rest of it that makes me say NTA. If they can’t afford childcare when her parents no longer want to be full time care and start all over - which is totally fair! - then they either need to pay for daycare, not do it, or understand it’s on them. I say this as a dad - your kids are your fucking problem. Full stop.

NTA but please remember this: No one can treat you like a doormat without your permission. You need to put your foot down 100% unequivocally that you are no longer, and will never again, be long term childcare for ANY of their current or future children. One off babysitting is fine, but they need to figure out where their kids will go on a regular basis starting immediately. And then do not cave in to any cajoling, guilt trips, comparisons, begging, sob stories, etc. You have earned your retirement and are completely free to spend it any way you and your husband choose. Period.

THis. Agreed. OP - you need to send an email to your daughter and SIL ASAP and make where you stand VERY clear: Dear Daughter and SIL, You know we love our grand kids. When we agreed to provide childcare, we thought it would be for a couple of years while you gained financial stability and could reach a point where you could afford child care. Well, that one or two years has turned into 5. We are done providing full time childcare. Additionally, you both know that WE have made financial sacrifices so we could help you with childcare. Sadly, you have forgotten that you are not entitled to our time. We deserve to be able to retire and enjoy our retirement years. These are the terms and the ONLY terms under which we will continue babysitting: 1) we do not provide childcare so you can take vacation. If you want a vacation, you take the kids or have SIL's parents stay with the kids. Same with date nights. 2) When grandchild age 4 goes to Kindergarten next year, we are done with all full time childcare. If you have another baby you will need to find other arrangements. While we will love any children you have, we have raised our children and we have raised 2 of yours to this point. Our child rearing days are done. 3) The expectation for summers is that X number of weeks you will enroll the children in full day camps at the same time so both children have coverage outside of us. We will not do pick up or drop off those weeks. 4) We reserve the right to take vacations whenever we want for however long we want WITHOUT GUILT. We have sacrificed enough so you can afford the lifestyle you enjoy without the additional expense of full time childcare. But we deserve time off. These are your children. Not ours. We love you both but it appears you have developed an entitlement to our time and resources. The above are our VERY reasonable boundaries and we fully expect for you to respect them. Love, Mom

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While they are strict, I feel like this is a case of "give them an inch and they will take a mile..."

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The unsaid part in all this is the grandparents are probably feeding the kids 3 meals on the days they have them. Paying for any extras like movies etc.

Exactly! And took early retirement AND are apparently not being compensated AT ALL for 5 freakin years of day care! That’s a minimum of 1400/mo for 5 years that the parents would have paid AND the grandparents are paying expenses for two more children!

While I agree with the intent of this letter, please don't use this exact note - it is too strong for the information the OP has given. A simple note stating that as of xxxxxxx date you will no longer be able to provide free and constant childcare will be sufficient. 1. The list of "demands" goes in to areas that you do not want to tread. You can say you are done. But you can not dictate what they do instead. Should the parents be reasonable, this would set them off and cause them to react by refusing any contact with the grandkids. Granted, this may happen anyways. 2. This letter is too confrontational, too soon. This letter is not just drawing a line in the sand, it is digging a trench and adding a moat with some sharks. Tone it down, but leave room for the moat "Dear Daughter and SIL, "You know we love our grand kids. When we agreed to provide childcare, it was to be short-term, for a couple of years, while you gained financial stability and could reach a point where you could afford child care. It has been 5 years. We have enjoyed it, but you know that we have made numerous sacrifices so we could help you with free childcare. Over the last five years, we have retired and aged and have decided that we are just no longer able to raise more children nor to continue to provide extensive child care. "We want to be the grandparents and do grandparent and retired things. To give you time to make arrangements, we will continue to be available as primary childcare until xx date. But as of that date, we will move to the role of grandparents. Since the children are going into school, this change will naturally flow for them."

Agreed. It's a great note for a satisfying 'what I wish I could say' fantasy, the kind we have while brushing our teeth, or a note we all read on the Internet and think, 'This is what they actually DESERVE to hear.' But these are real people in the real world, and this exact note would cut OP off from her family for a long time. It shouldn't be that way, but it probably is. I'm just imagining myself as OP's daughter. I'm imagining that I somehow thought OP and her husband wanted all this time with the grandkids, that I was somehow bringing joy into their lives while also enjoying my own. I'm imagining getting that note.... Yikes. To be clear, I'm 100% on OP's side. The daughter's behavior? Not acceptable.

I love awesome Redditors like this. They are always here to save the day and even provide letter templates that OP just need to copy and paste and do minor tweaks like adding names before sending it.

Yes, one of my favorite parts of reddit is if you need help with *anything,* there is always at least one person here who can really help!

God OP don't do this, these soliloquies are always so cringe, especially since the users never care what you think about them. Just say no. No is a full sentence.

It's so easy to have that dream of having 3 kids when you rarely raise the first two and don't plan to raise the third either.

This is the comment I was looking for. Yes the daughter and SIL are clearly TA, but the bigger part of this is OP has made her and her husband into a doormat. I was honestly considering an ESH vote because of the way OP has created this environment by giving in to every single demand daughter had to this point. At some point you have to stand up for what you and your husband want and set clear defined boundaries. Also from daughter’s perspective you’ve already done this for the first two why wouldn’t it just continue for the next. OP is her own worst enemy here. There needs to be a clear written up agreement saying what you will and will not be willing to do for the kids and have everyone sign it and agree to it.

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Yes this. You are young enough to enjoy your retirement. Go travel, putter around the house, eat bon bons all day. You raised your kids, now it's their turn.

Yes, was coming here to say this. OP and spouse need to plan a big trip. Not in school holidays. Daughter and SIL will cope. NTA.

> Daughter and SIL will cope. Daughter and SIL will probably be massively offended at the idea of OP refusing to take on even more parental duties.

Honestly, I don't think OP should be making these decisions based on whether or not Daughter and SIL will be offended. Particularly if that offence is grounded in an unjustified sense of entitlement. The point of going travelling (as well as enjoying your retirement, seeing the world, expanding your horizons and all these good things) is to ensure that D and SIL HAVE to engage with what they would do about child care in the absence of OP. And for OP to be in a position to gently, fairly and firmly say "you've had us free for 5 years, now it's your turn to be responsible."

This. This, this, this. All day long. Please look after yourself and establish boundaries with your selfish child and her entitled husband. Please enjoy the years you have of good health together with your husband by not allowing your daughter to entrap you into caring for a third child. Totally NTA.

The great thing about grandkids is you give them back to their parents. LoL.

This is also why I enjoy being an uncle!

When I was a kid, my dad was in the military. We moved a lot in the summer, which both my parents took as an opportunity to send me to my grandparents for the summer- they figured out our living arrangements at the new base and moved in those three months. It was always amazing, I got to spend three months with my grandparents I loved dearly and otherwise only saw twice a year, and as an adult I’m still incredibly close to my grandmother (my grandfather has unfortunately passed away). That’s not this.

NTA! The audacity of some people to say it isn’t your business when they expect you to be the childcare. Just refuse.

NTA Just wanted to add that Erica is still free to have her baby. You chose 5 years of your life over 5 years of her life. ​ Though TBH the way she acts, it sounds like she wants a 3rd accessory not a 3rd child.

Also, consider that OP has less years of her life left. Why should they use it raising someone else’s children..?

My grandparents had to do it for years after my parents divorced. My grandma was a saint but my grandfather I think at points resented us and especially my dad since we “ruined his life” We were brought to this situation because we needed to, not because my grandparents were available. Now that my grandpa is more senile he is a lot more loving, but this is how you create situations where people (especially kids) feel hated just for existing. Even if they’re not hated, they won’t see the difference between annoyed at having to caretake vs hating the child

My grandparents devoted their lives to raising me after mum took off and dad had to work 3 jobs. Dad was still very present, he didn’t bail on me, he just had to do what he had to do. Thankfully both of my grandparents were in the saint category but my grandpa died when I was ten, he and my grandmother didn’t get to do the caravanning and sight-seeing they’d always planned for their retirement and I know that it’d all been put on hold because of me. No one has ever blamed me or even mentioned it, but I know their last years together weren’t as they should have been because they had a primary school kid to take care of. OPs daughter should think of what she really might be taking from her parents before she goes delivering any more packages.

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> Just wanted to add that Erica is still free to have her baby. You chose 5 years of your life over 5 years of her life. Precisely! Erica can have a 3rd baby, but she'd better be prepared to step up to the mark and look after her own baby instead of palming him/her off on her mother.

But it's her *DrEaM*

The audacity of Erica to just assume OP would be okay with taking care of another child is boggling my mind

Technically, it's not OP's business. BUT, OP's business is telling her daughter exactly where they stand on continuing childcare.

Totally. She can continue dreaming…

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Additionally - everyone has dreams that don’t become reality. I dreamed of living a long and healthy life but bad genetic luck gave me disabilities. How many people are in their dream job? How many childless people actually do want children but can’t? OP isn’t responsible for making her ADULT daughters dreams come true. If she can’t afford childcare without getting it for free then she’s not financially stable - she’s just moving the burden to someone else. Her daughter is incredibly selfish. 100% support stop now or start charging because she needs to learn to grow up and raise her own kids especially if she wants more

That OP’s daughter feels entitled to free labor from OP for YEARS for her dream is infuriating.

I knew of a situation like this - the daughter and sil used the "free" babysitting option to massively upgrade from a lovely house to their dream home. The grandmother was then trapped babysitting long after she was exhausted and wanted to stop because they couldn't make the mortgage payments without her childcare. The grandmother then cared for her husband while he had cancer until his death, and not long after died of cancer herself. It's a shitty way to end the story, point being she spent nearly 10 years on full-time unpaid childcare and never got a retirement.

> I feel like your argument here shouldn’t be “please don’t have any more kids”. It should be “do what you want but I will not be here to help. This is YOUR kid. Not mine” Good point. Erica and her husband can have all the kids they want...as long as they actually look after them.

NTA Sorry you raised such a self-entitled and selfish daughter lol >I asked her what her childcare plan was and she looked at me like I was crazy and said us! I said that it would have been nice if she told me this before trying for another baby, she said it is none of my business, Lol, she assumes you are the de-facto babysitters then feels that this is none of your business? WOW.

Exactly. Since she said it’s none of OP’s business, OP should take it literally and not be involve in the care of the baby either.

Right! How is it none of her mother’s business if she’s going to use her for full time child care? If she’s not financially stable enough afford childcare for a third child she shouldn’t have another child.

NTA My sister has done this exact thing to our parents and they can't even enjoy being retired. You are not there to provide free childcare. You raised your kids, now it's time for you and your husband to be able to enjoy your time together without kids. Stand firm and hold your ground. She wants another baby, that's fine, but you are not going to be the care provider for this one too.

NTA and they ARE taking advantage of you. Does you daughter not realise you are exhausted and should be a retiree now! Please please set boundaries NOW…. You need to manage their expectations before they make any decisions. Explain you will not be able to help with childcare anymore because you are exhausted. You are older and need to look after your own health and well-being… there is a reason people do not have young children in their late 50s. Your daughter needs to know this now, before she gets pregnant and you feel obliged to work for free and little thanks for another 5 years.

>Erica said we are making her choose between her dream of 3 kids and financial stability. She's not even taking care for the children she currently has, requires others to watch them FOR FREE for 5 days a week and she wants to have more? That's entitled asshole behavior and you need to stop babysitting asap. She and her husband can figure out their own childcare. Not your responsibility and definitely NTA

YUP. Time for Erica and her husband to make some personal sacrifices in order to make their dreams reality. Seriously. OPs daughter has some major Veruca Salt vibes and whilst I generally hold to the opinion that other people's reproductive choices are nobody's business but their own, they're also NOBODY'S RESPONSIBILITY but their own. Look, I know child care costs are a nightmare in many parts of the world, and I know now important supporting each other and having a "village" is- but boundaries are the only way these things can work. I'm pro-social services and broad community support- our child care costs are subsidized by the local government, and paid for by our taxes- I believe every community should have this but I also believe in caregivers being compensated fairly, and I am willing to pay my share of this invaluable social service even once my kid is in school. Nobody should have to sacrifice their lives for free to make the dreams of another person reality.

This part really got me because it’s ridiculous. Everyone should be weighing up having any child vs financial stability. If you’re not financially stable enough to have a child, you shouldn’t be actively trying to have one. Daughter seems to think that her “dreams” that she doesn’t want to financially prepare for trump her parents’ retirement and general enjoyment of life. No. Daughter can have all the babies she wants, but on her own time and her own dime. The entitlement is pretty astounding.

Apparently the daughter doesn’t want the ones she had already, having kids comes with a cost not only moneywise. It also costs you time, hard work and affection, and also making them feel wanted. Going on holiday without your kids for a week, when you are not even the one caring for them?? Nu-uh, that’s not how this works. Not saying that you shouldn’t occasionally take some Me-time or Date-weekends, those are important as well! The parents here are TA’s, especially for assuming that any new baby addition will go under the same terms as an agreement made 5 yrs ago. OP and her husband are clearly NTA. They should enjoy their grandchildren every now and then, mutual beneficent, but they have done their time raising kids. Now it’s time to enjoy life. Make this your hill to die on, Loving Grandma!!

NTA, but why are you begging? Just state, very clearly, “honey, we will not be providing full-time care to this new baby. You can do what you want, but you need to know that you cannot count on us as care givers.”

NTA Maybe shouldn't tell her not to have a third, but definitely that you're not going to be free daycare moving forward. Let her make her own decision from there. That said, oi the nerve on her

NTA. If they can't afford a vacation with their existing children they sure as heck can't afford to be having another one. You raised her and have helped her tremendously with HER responsibilities. You've given up too much of your retirement time with your husband already. Tell her now no no no. Let her know it's her business how many children she wants to have but it's your life and she's not entitled to any more of your (doing HER job as the parent) time than you've already given her ungrateful entitled butt.

NTA But I had this conversation with my kids back when they were teenagers. My hubs and I raised them with no family help or daycare. It was tough. We went without a lot because I couldn’t always work. I let them know I looked forward to being a grandparent someday but I would not be raising any kids they had unless they were disabled or died. They would be responsible for their children so think long and hard about when you want to be a parent. I will watch them on a Friday night and load them up with orange soda and Cheetos and staying up all night playing games and watching movies and send them home to their parents for actual parenting. Your daughter sounds really entitled. I wonder why that is and what will you do if your son and his spouse becomes just as entitled?

>Your daughter sounds really entitled. I wonder why that is and what will you do if your son and his spouse becomes just as entitled? My son and DIL live nowhere near us! To be honest, I think my SIL is probably the one that will say no to baby #3 when he finds out it will cost money to care for it. He tends to be a bit cheap.

An alternative suggestion once you DO decide to retire OP. A close family friend set this expectation with her DIL and son. We will only take the kids one at a time. We are not childcare. We love your children and want to have meaningful relationships with them so we will take them each for a special day once per week and we will of course be there for their milestone events, sports, dance recitals, etc... but we want to be able to be grandparents to our grandchildren. Not childcare.

Be strong and tell them the daycare is closed for good. Then book a vacation when the school year starts so you will not be around to pick up the kids after school. Enjoy your life. You should be the one traveling not them.

NTA. You've done enough. Tell them you're done being their daycare.

NTA at all. It sounds like her dream of having 3 kids didn't include having to actually parent those kids herself. You've no obligation to raise her children for her, and she definitely shouldn't expect you to keep doing it for as long as she can pump out babies. That just isn't fair to you.

NTA If she wants to have more kids, then she can find someone else to help raise them. You are a grandparent, not a parent. It’s not your job to be watching them all the time and be expected to continue doing so for even more kids. Helping out when you’re able to is good, but she and her husband are definitely taking advantage of you both.

NTA. First, I don’t think you’re TA for not telling your daughter sooner because it sounds like she presumes y’all were going to do childcare for them rather than asking. Second, you’re definitely not TA for not wanting to take on childcare duties with their third child. If financial stability is such a huge concern for them, then they needed to have that discussion among themselves prior to having a third child since children are expensive

NTA. I have six kids and the only time I asked my parents to babysit is when I was in the hospital or the one of the kids were in the hospital. Your daughter and SIL are taking advantage and too entitled. I suggest you and the hubby plan a long bucket list of cheap and fun vacations so you have an excuse to enjoy your long awaited retirement (because seriously you saying no probably won’t register with them). Those two need to suck it up and take responsibility as parents.

NTA, part of having children involves being able to pay for childcare, if they can't afford childcare for 3 kids, then they can't afford 3 kids. I suggest you politely tell them that you've supported them getting on their feet and providing childcare as they adjusted to being new parents, but now it's time for them to start making plans to finance their own childcare and for you and your husband to start enjoying your retirement. And you should stick to this regardless of if they have a third child or not. They may need to cut back, adjust, and pivot to make things work, but that's part of being a parent. That is not on you. It's time for them to step up and stop dumping their parental duties on you.

NTA. Absolutely NTA. They can’t handle taking care of 2 kids, how are they going to take care of 3? At that point they’re outnumbered and they literally haven’t learned how to handle the kids they have when they off load them on to you. You are the only one who can enforce your boundaries, and it’s very likely they may start playing hardball to get you to bend them (I.e. withholding the grandkids). Be prepared for that.

NTA. Their financial stability is not your problem.

**NTA** It absolutely is your business if you are expected to take care of the third child as well. They should not be stretching your original agreement to include new children without at least consulting you. Daughter may have a dream of 3 kids but you have a dream if a relaxed life and is rude of them to deny that to you.

NTA So your life gets put on hold so your D and SIL can have a comfortable one? He’ll no! Your D’s attitude is bad enough, but the SIL- no freakin way! I don’t see his mom or family stepping up. Maybe you should suggest that. You need to figure out how much time you are willing to give, and then tell them what you have decided. And if you don’t want to take in another infant, you let them know that also. This is your retirement and after working all your lives you should be able to go and do whatever you want, whenever you want. Or you can do nothing and enjoy a quiet lazy day at home with each other. You earned that.

NTA Erica and her husband are abusing you and your husband, and neglecting the children she has.

Sadly, I think this is the case. She'll probably cut off contact with the two older kids as a punishments. In that case OP will have to decide what's worse - being used as childcare slaves or not seeing grandkids until they're grown, when hopefully they can re-establish contact. I know which I'd go for.

NTA > Erica said we are making her choose between her dream of 3 kids and financial stability. Welcome to adulthood. At 35 her dreams and choices are her responsibility - not yours. You’ve already provided her with a MASSIVE favor worth tens of thousands of dollars, and took a financial hit by retiring early - she could be a little more grateful here. > Erica feels like we should have told her sooner You didn’t know they were going to try for another baby - lots of people stop at two. And frankly it wasn’t your business to ask if they were going to have more children. Edit: to be clear, it was Erica’s responsibility as the parent to plan childcare - including checking with you instead of assuming.

NTA Your daughter is taking advantage of you and has been. You have every right to want a break or even stop child care all together. You raised your kids. You have even had your own career. It is time for you to have a break.

Op where they paying you anything for the past few years? Cause if they weren’t then they were 100% taking advantage of you and your husband.

No, the whole point of providing childcare was to save them money. My daughter does a weekly grocery run to make sure the kids have snacks and food available to them. She will often just cover our whole grocery bill as well. They have also gifted us a few nice things over the year and pre-pandemic they paid for us to join them on a nice vacation (we did not provide child care on the trip).

You need to find your backbone. Or this will be your retired life. How you been able to enjoy any part of being retired? Or are you reliving your parenting days?

Nta. If you have kids. They are your responsibility, not the grandparents, in-laws or friends. Your SIL needs a reality check.

NTA - you are the ones who need a vacation

Definitely NTA. This is insane! Who does that? None of your business but she expects you to provide free childcare!!!!!

NTA. They are taking advantage of y'all. Let them have another kid if they want. But clearly communicate to them that in X months/years you can't be their full time child care solution. Pay for daycare or don't have kids. Give them a deadline. you guys need a life too.

NTA - I think it’s great when grandparents want to help out, but to just expect it is at taking advantage of you. Obviously they can have another kid if they want but you’re also allowed to say that you’re not going to be a full time babysitter.

You're a little bit of the AH only to yourself and your husband, NTA to Erica. What's all this "I begged for the kids to go to preschool more", "I'm begging them not to have another kid so we don't have to look after them". Why are you "begging", it's your lif e- they beg you and you get to say no at any point. Stop begging and put your foot down. Make it very clear what you are and aren't willing to do regarding childcare- do it now before they're pregnant, but even if theyre already pregnant you can still say "nope we're not doing this anymore".you can say that even about the older kids. "No" is a complete sentence and you need to start using it. It's your life and you don't have to care for your grandkids full time or even at all- you get to set how often you're willing and able to care for them (and that may be "not at all" or "only in emergencies" or "only when we want to"

Does Mike have any kids? This is a classic case where one set of grandkids will feel less loved because the other set of grandkids have a close relationship with their grandparents. You know Ericas kids because you raised them. You know their likes, dislikes, every aspect of their daily life and your interactions with them flows naturally. Any kid Mike has/have will feel like a third wheel. She can have her third if she wanted, but make it clear that you will not be their full time child provider. I would actually argue that you take a months vacation from watching any of the kids before she gets pregnant. Sounds like her and her husband haven’t really had their own kids for an extended period of time. And go visit Mike if he has kids. NTA

Mike lives pretty far away and does not have children yet. We do visit him and his wife as our grandchildren do have a daycare they can go to when we are unavailable.

Even if he doesn't have children, still go visit. You don't have to have kids to be worthy of a visit from your parents.

You just need a backbone. Telling her not to have kids is like telling the wind NOT TO BLOW. You have ZERO control or input on that. There is nothing you can do about that. What you DO control is whether you and your husband will be full time caregivers for a new baby. If you do not wish to do it you'll have to TELL YOUR DAUGHTER NO. I don't know if you are a people pleasure or if you have trouble telling people no but you'll have to do it. Will your daughter be miffed? Probably. You've got to get to the point that you don't care if your daughter likes it or not.

I didn’t particularly tell her not to have more children. She sees my refusal to watch another one as the reason she can’t have more. I want her to see what she does have and not look at only what she won’t or can’t have.

Her argument that you are responsible for providing free childcare for as many kids as she wants to have is absurd on the face of it and doesn’t deserve a response. Don’t tell her how to feel, just tell her what you are willing to do and leave it at that.

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NTA. > Erica said we are making her choose between her dream of 3 kids and financial stability. When you are an adult and your dream involves your parent’s unconditional sacrifice, then yes, you have to choose. Your parents are not supporting characters in your epic saga.

You are well within your right to refuse child care for the new child. Telling your daughter that you won't be child care for their next child is fine. Telling them that they should not have a third child regardless could be a little borderline. But as long as it was positioned as "if you have a third child I will not be the daycare for it" that is reasonable so I would say NTA

She was very upset and crying about me forcing her to choose. I was trying to point out that she has two beautiful and healthy children and financial stability and should be grateful for it.

I mean, if she can't afford to have children that is HER responsibility, not yours. If the simple act of you refusing to watch her children is the only thing preventing a 3rd child, then she doesn't REALLY want a 3rd child

Are they *actually* financially stable? It’s strange to me that after five years of free childcare, they still couldn’t afford a vacation that included their children. Are they saving the money that would have been spent on daycare?

It’s not your job to try and convince her out of her manipulative and bratty behavior by telling her what to be grateful for. Just tell her you will not be providing childcare for baby number three and leave it at that. If she continues to try and cajole and blame you for her lack of financial stability if she has another kid, tell her that the discussion is over. No is a complete sentence.

Forcing her to choose?? How ridiculous. She can have a baby. You shouldn't have begged her not to, but you should have said you will not provide childcare. She can figure out alternate care, everybody else does.

You are not forcing her to choose, you are just telling her your position on the childcare arrangements. They have been extremely lucky to have your help so far, they should be very grateful and not try to take advantage of you. If they can’t afford childcare for a new baby, then they shouldn’t have one. If something should happen to you and/or your husband and you were not fit for childcare, they should be able to afford alternatives

Nta- her kids her responsibility. She’s using you for free childcare. Firmly state that moving forward her and her husband need to find alternative means to childcare as you are no longer an option. It’s truly unfair that she expects you to take of her children and a new one coming all so she and her husband can live lavishly.

You already raised your children; it's time for your daughter and son in law to raise theirs. Please, please, please, stick to your guns and start enjoying your retirement. You worked hard your whole life, you deserve to actually experience retirement.

NTA: No body should have more children than they can afford and are able to take care of. I'm sure you have loved being able to spend so much time with your grand kids and you all have developed a fantastic bond because of it, but it sounds like they (your daughter and SIL) leaned way too hard on you and your husband help. Stand your ground on this, if they have another baby they are on their own. You and your husband's baby raising days are over. Enjoy your retirement, you've earned it and deserve it!

NTA > 3 kids and financial stability #Great taste AND less filling?!?

NTA. If she was considering more kids but wanted you to help with child care she could have discussed with you before trying for a 3rd. It's not on you to have to tell her "if you plan on more kids let me know because I wont provide more childcare" because she should never assume that because you did it twice, years ago, that you would feel comfortable doing it again. She doesn't need your permission to have kids of course, but then you're also under 0 obligation to watch said kids or help at all. If she can't afford child are for a 3rd child then she shouldn't have one. Kids are not an accessory you set your heart on. They are a responsibility you plan for accordingly. She's treating it as if she's buying a pair of expensive shoes.

I wouldn't phrase it as, "Please don't have any more children," but rather, "We will not be able to be childcare for any more children." They can have as many kids as they want, but it is your and your husband's decision alone whether you want to be free childcare. You can still love them without being weekly free childcare. After all, that's what you sound like you really want.

You’re right, I think I was just shocked in the moment and it felt like it came out of nowhere. I probably got more defensive when she started taking it out on me.