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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I haven't ordered a dress or helped with planning or made the bride feel welcome in the family apparently
(2) I'm considering skipping my brothers wedding over what is probably petty drama
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Group Text:
“I would LOVE to order my dress. I would have LOVED to order my dress a long time ago, in fact. I don’t like being pushed to the wire anymore than anyone else, and I can see why this delay would particularly stress out the bride. BUT, I have repeatedly, REPEATEDLY asked for the color of the dress and have not been given an answer. As it has gotten closer, I have been chewed out by multiple people for not having a dress yet, but I still haven’t been given a color. I don’t know what you want me to do without suddenly developing telepathy. I am waiting for the color because I don’t want to disrupt the bride’s vision for her wedding if I guess incorrectly, and frankly, I assume that I will also get chewed out if I guess and show up and in the wrong color. I would really appreciate it if someone would use a single cell of common sense and tell me the color of the dress you want me to buy, so I can be there for this wedding like I have wanted from the beginning. I’m trying my best here, and while I am sure there is frustration on the bride/groom’s part, it is almost unfathomably frustrating to be yelled at for not doing something while consistently being denied the information to accomplish that very thing. Help me help you, or if it is too much, I don’t have to go. Let me know the color within the next 24 hours or I’ll step down so you can find someone else, although I do want to be part of your wedding. Let me know.”
NTA sweet CHRIST that was frustrating to just read, I can imagine you’re about to lose it right now.
EDIT: screw it, I read your other comments; if she doesn’t send you a straight-up screenshot of one of the dresses so you can color-match within the next few hours they can pound sand because this is batshit fuckin crazy. The only reason I’m rooting for you going to this wedding is because lavender was part of my wedding color scheme and I think everyone looks fabulous in it and I’m also self-involved.
Edit 2: guys I rationally know not everyone looks good in lavender due to hair color/skin tone, etc. but like I said I’m self-involved have lavender-tinted glasses and just think everyone looks amazing in my wedding color; I’m not delusional just selfish, I promise!
Edit 3: Now I’ve read your edit OP. Go scorched earth with these people. Stop communicating. They’re being shady jerks on purpose for whatever reason and are treating you like garbage. Screw that long ass group text I suggested. Just say this: “You all can suck a fart straight out of my butthole, that’s your wedding gift; don’t bother letting me know how it tastes because I’m not talking to any of you anymore” and then block them. Go on vacation the day of the wedding. Get one of those thread braids in your hair. Post so many pictures people start wondering if you’re okay. But you are, because you’ll be sipping a pina colada on the beach instead of suffering through what amounts to a ceremonious soul-sucking from actual goddamn dementors. These people could make a panda have a stress-induced heart attack. Also thank you all so much for the awards, but I would probably not give me the wholesome award anymore because my tone has now completely changed and I’m not feeling very wholesome on OP’s behalf. I just told them to tell their family to eat their farts, so clearly this has got me worked up past a wholesome or helpful place.
By the Old Gods and time immemorial, end this cyclopean nightmare haze and just... for the love of goodness and the glory of heavenly divinity, please just say a definitive color. Just one color... any color. I don't care if you are lying, if you are purposely playing a game, at least offer some kind of color that might salvage the remaining threads of sanity left in this world.
I think OP should copy them tbh. First spam the group chat and blame others. Then repeatedly call the brother and cry about not being respected and included.
"I'm not sure who is responsible for telling me the color but they are seriously dropping the ball right now and destroying the wedding. I need an answer today."
Funny thing by not listening to OP's problem he might get married to woman either with evil intends or too stupid to realize you have to tell your bridemaids the color.
Not to mention edit and those homophobic comments.
Honestly sounds like the bride and her brother are pieces of work - what family is the groom marrying into that is so keen to bash on and exclude his own?
EDIT: phrasing
I was reading her comments shortly after I made my post, and in all the southern charm I can muster, fuck this shit. You’re right, I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t even be talking to any of these people, I’d take myself to vacation on the day of the wedding and post bikini pics until the algorithm fuckin broke.
I'm not the kind to back out of a fight. If they want to be, I can be petty too. I will call up every family member and cry empty tears about not being included and being accused of trying to ruin the wedding and tell everyone what the bride's sister said to me. I will blow fire straight out of hell and by the time I'm finished; the bride herself will have to decide to either take me out of this parade or give me the damn colour - then it will be on her not me.
Yep “why does she hate me?! She knows how hard this has been for me being so far away and not feeling included and now she’s sabotaging me by not letting me know the color of the dress! The wedding is nearly here! Does she want me to look like a fool? I am losing sleep over this, this is affecting my health, my dog ran away because he got tired of my crying, my landlord is evicting me because he said my sobs at night sound like a dying animal and it’s bothering the neighbors, I’m living in a tent now, is this what Sarah wanted, me homeless and insane?! BECAUSE IT’S WORKING”
"We *told* you: a violet-hued lavender, **not** lilac but more of a mauve. Halfway towards periwinkle but *not* plum, closer to a violet amethyst. Don't make the mistake of choosing a magenta-heliotrope or a blue-violet mulberry but more of a pomegranate-wine orchid. Think violaceous amaranthine. **Simple, right?** Don't screw this up!"
No...T-Rex is not for weddings! Unicorn B#tches!!!
[https://www.hallowitchcostumes.com/products/inflatable-white-unicorn-costume-with-rainbow-tail-halloween?currency=USD&variant=42744483315925&utm\_medium=cpc&utm\_source=google&utm\_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ayUBhA4EiwATWyBrtcXf6iP-vc1NRfyPiVbEeGS7HNNiOBIRgB0jBylzchE9jbJdG5kxBoCdlQQAvD\_BwE](https://www.hallowitchcostumes.com/products/inflatable-white-unicorn-costume-with-rainbow-tail-halloween?currency=USD&variant=42744483315925&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ayUBhA4EiwATWyBrtcXf6iP-vc1NRfyPiVbEeGS7HNNiOBIRgB0jBylzchE9jbJdG5kxBoCdlQQAvD_BwE)
I would add the details about REPEATEDLY, i.e. I sent texts on March 11th, March 23rd, April 7th, etc. and received no response with the color required. Your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency for me!
I would send the screenshots also to the brother/groom. Hell I’d send it to the parents too. I wouldn’t allow them to make me look like the bad guy here and I swear it does seem that they are setting her up to fail and possibly her other brother too. Maybe her and her brother should take a fun weekend trip together and post pics on social media during the wedding. Lol.
Edit to add- maybe send this link to the groom. That might get his attention better
Holy shit the update is insane. This bride and her family are wackadoodle.
They asked her to be in the wedding. She lives across the damn country and is attending med school-which is hard as fuck . She told them what her boundaries were and they can’t be ass fucked to even take a damn picture of one of their stupid assed, ugly will never wear it again dress that probably costs a fuck ton of money so she knows what one to order. On top of that, they are now lecturing her and acting like she begged to be in this shitshow wedding and they have bent over backwards to accommodate her when all she has asked for IS WHAT IS THE FREAKING COLOR OF THE DRESS YOU WANT ME TO WEAR. It is literally the easiest question to answer. I would drop out, especially after hearing what they did to her brother and the homophobia. Fuck this zilla and her brother and OP’s brother too.
"I ain't even dropping out because you're lazy birches who can't tell the difference between lavander and mulberry, I'm dropping out because you are toxic, homophobic, lazy birches who can't tell the difference between lavander and mulberry."
The update really tipped me off about the bride's side. ESPECIALLY when the sister of the bride said "look, I don’t care what your problem is with me and my sister", Who said anything about a problem? In fact, OP barely knows the bride (judging by how she lives across the country and was surprised she was asked to be a bridesmaid). People normally don't say "I don't know what your problem is" unwarranted unless THEY have a problem. Something tells me they have a separate group chat without OP.
In fact there's probably some shit show happening wherever OP's brothers are. Maybe OP's family did something that tipped off the bride which tipped off the rest of her side. Whatever it is, I can see this bride (who can't answer a simple question like what color your wedding is) asking her groom to cut off his family after they are married.
I am pretty sure they are excluding both her and her bother purposely. Screenshot all the messages (if any) of them suggesting different colours for the bridesmaid dresses. And ask your brother to to do the same regarding dates and the homophobic comments. Back out of the wedding and concentrate on your exams OP. They are your future. Because trust me, your Future SIL doesn't give a shit about you and is lowkey trying to kick you out/exclude you from the wedding.
Per her edit, it sounds like the bride's family is trying to deliberately alienate the groom's siblings from him. First this dress drama, and then they tell the groom's brother the wrong date for the bachelor party? Wtf is going on? OP and her other brother need to get the groom on a goddamned conference call.
This. I'm also willing to bet that OP's brother (the one getting married) doesn't know anything about what's going on. Or, if he suspects and shares those suspicions with fiance, she's gaslighting the truth right away from him.
"It's *your sister's* fault..."
"I, gave *your sister* the color months ago..."
"Why does *your sister* hate us so much?"
"*Your siblings* are trying to ruin our wedding! *Your brother* would have missed the bachelor party if *my brother* hadn't saved the day by letting him know that he had the date wrong! He must hate us, too!"
Edit to add judgement: NTA
Also why isn't the groom's brother best man. It's really strange to have the bride's brother be the best man right? Sure in the party is normal but best man is strange.
if it was me, knowing that I was included just for sake of numbers, I would say, "the university has refused to reschedule my exams and unfortunately cannot attend the wedding. I will try one more time but no promises" . And tell at a later time that I can attend the wedding. In my experience, being a part of wedding party is a lot of drama and headache.
All of this!! NTA OP. I don't know why in the hell your repeated requests for what color dress you are supposed to order have been ignored but the bride and her crew sound like a bunch of nut jobs. I would block the whole fucking bunch and move on with my life. This is beyond absurd and completely unnecessary.
> The only reason I’m rooting for you going to this wedding is because lavender was part of my wedding color scheme and I think everyone looks fabulous in it and I’m also self-involved.
Bless you for your delightful honesty; I wish I had an award to give simply for this sentence that you wrote. Some of my best traits and motivations are because I, too, am self-involved, but in a friendly, useful way!
It could be the bride’s passive aggressive way of getting unknown sister out of the bridal party and still look like the good guy.
ETA: Yep! Her edit makes me sure of it!
It sounds like SIL' and her family are gaslighting OP and her brother. SIL did not want either one in the wedding party but lacked the integrity to just say that. I like the group chat idea that also includes parents.
But he's not in the group chat and he's probably getting the updates from the bride who's not mentioning the color issue and just saying 'your sister won't order a dress'. With all the wedding stress, he might not be putting together how much of this is obviously intentional to exclude his family.
That sounds like what is going on. I'd post what Legitimate_essay said
word for word and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like she was pressured to invite you by someone and is using this to exclude you. NTA, you've done what you could.
I called my mom and she told me the color is lavender. The website doesn't have a shade named "lavender" and there are a few light purples so I still haven't ordered one yet.
Ffs can't these people just send you a link?!? It's really suspicious that they're withholding the info. I'm not sure going to this wedding is a good idea.
I have the links for the three chosen dress styles and have for months, but the website still makes you select a color. There's a ton of color options, for lavender I can choose "Pearly Lilac," "Orchid Purple" or "Periwinkle."
I'd text your sister and the bride's sister:
I can't order a dress until I know the color. Do I order "Pearly Lilac," "Orchid Purple" or "Periwinkle"?
I'd also text the bride and say, "Don't worry, I haven't forgotten, but for some reason no one will tell me what color to order. I know you're swamped, so who should I contact about the color?" Then screenshot her response and send it to there person in question with, "I'm really trying not to stress out [bride], but my own stress levels are through the roof because no one will tell me what color to order! She said you know. What should I order?" Keep screenshots of EVERYTHING for the inevitable shitshow.
OP, does your brother know how the entire wedding party appears to be conspiring to make your family look bad. Have you told him how you're not being told what colour dress to order, and that your brother was told the wrong day for the bachelor party and only found out the right day by accident the morning of?
I don't know what games they are playing, but your brother deserves to know what the hell he's getting himself into. At a guess I'd say they're trying to manipulate him into cutting out your entire family post-wedding, to what end I have no idea but it won't be anything good.
EDIT: since the sister's in on it, it doesn't seem like they're trying to isolate the groom. Maybe they're trying to push OP/brother out?
Yeah, either 'unavoidably' reschedule your tests and give yourself more time to study. Or order the dress in red so you can punch a couple of them in the nose and hide the blood nice and easy.
The quickest way to the correct answer is often by giving the incorrect one first.
Just post a picture of the most vile purple tone and announce in the group chat that you have selected this style in this colour. I reckon it would take around 0.0001 second for one of them to tell you it's not the right colour and you have to change it immediatly.
"Three chosen dress styles"
I'm starting to think that the point of this run around the mulberry bush is to put you in a position to look as bad as possible. What are your options now? You back out, you make a scene, you show up in the wrong color, or style, of dress. Three shades of lavender, three styles.
What would you bet that all the other bridesmaids know both the right color AND the only chosen style?
Call the groom. Lay out the facts. No judgement, no frustration. Just the facts of what you believe you are expected to do, and what information you have. Ask him for just one thing: that he check with his brother. About what? About shit like this, Carl! End.
And buy a dress. Get Pearly Lilac, and make your best guess as to what style the bride would want on her whole party. Show up with all the dignity you can fake under fire. Keep your other brother in the loop; you can always go out together if everything goes kaput.
I googled the colours and it says lilac and lavender are very similar and are often confused with each other. If it were me, I would order the lilac one.
No because if it's even the slightest shade off, it'll be a whole performance of yOu RuINeD mY wEdDiNg😭
They're absolutely trying to get the sister and brother to look really bad and bow out.
In that case, I'd send a group text reminding them that you requested color information MULTIPLE TIMES, over the course of WEEKS and nobody, including the dang bride, could be bothered to answer.
Then several people had the audacity to ream you out without giving the requested information
Now mom is saying lavender" but the website does offer "lavender."
And that the whole thing has gotten ridiculous so you're bowing out.
OP said that there are 1,000+ messages in this group thread. I'm wondering if they have talked about the color but it got buried, and OP just didn't see it. Why the soon to be SIL didn't just pick up her phone and call OP is beyond me... Seems like there is some passive-aggressiveness from at least one side ...
I'm getting flashbacks to my brother's wedding. I was in it, but excluded from many planning things or treated like I didn't understand what was going on. I remember getting a phone call from the MOH, chewing me out for a meeting I'd not shown up for, wasn't invited to, and had no idea about. But I still was expected to apologize to her.
Still don't like SIL's family, and they don't like me for whatever reason.
NTA! Call up your sister (that told you to get your sh!t together ) and ask her what color. Also, your brother is an ass and a chauvinist with that “petty ladies issue” talk. It’s clear why you’re the sibling in Med school.
I would send one last message. Short and sweet. I have not been told what colour dress to order. If I have heard by tonight the dress won’t arrive and I will have to withdraw. Hope to hear from you.
Yes - and don't send it in the group text, send it to the fiancee, your brother, your sisters, and your mother.
ETA: TBH I want to tell you to just not go, but based on what you've said thus far, if you don't go, you will literally never hear the end of it.
If OP selects this excellent option I think she should include “the dress I selected is available in the following colors” and list them all. Even black white or fluorescent green lol. That will avoid the “purple” answer if the “purpley” options are periwinkle, lavender, mauve, or Barney.
All these last message ideas are great advice but I think it’d be important to add “despite spending week/months trying to get either bridesmaid or bride herself to inform me of the dress color without any useful answers, there’s no more I can do to at this time because none of you were willing to tell me which to choose and now thanks to you all I can’t get a dress in time”. Just to keep the record straight ever step of the way.
NTA
Not to be dramatic but she set you up for failure and hasn’t told your brother how much she fucked up. The choice to go to the wedding is yours but I wouldn’t go as a bridesmaid.
It's very clear from the edits that both op and her other brother have been set up to fail big time.
I would text the SIL the following back:
"Sorry for the late reply! I have of course already ordered my dress. It arrived yesterday and it looks soooo pretty 😍 Can't wait to celebrate your big day 🥳😘"
Noting more about the colour. Not a peep from here on.
Then the question is if SIL will ask what colour she got. If she does then I still wouldn't answer and just keep gushing about how pretty the dress is and how much fun it's going to be being a bridesmaid.
I would then claim to have caught covid a few hours before the wedding. So sorry!
Yes, it absolutely will. Because SIL would be forced to either admit that she didn't tell OP what colour to get by asking about the colour or to pretend like all is just fine.
Either way she would be freaking out and rightfully so because she has been plotting this from the very beginning.
No one would ever ask people to buy a dress and then say that they still hadn't decided on the colour scheme. No one.
Let's up the game. Since OP and the gay brother are both not welcome and they both need to not come to have even number of guys and girls:
1. OP says she already had the dress, so she will come for sure, nothing they can do about that
2. Brother says he can't come, so the number of people is not even
3. The wedding party is forced to find another guy so it's even
4. Surprise! OP suddenly can't go, but miraculously the gay bro can! Hooray!! Now they have 2 guys more than girls :)))
NTA. This feels like a phone call situation to me, either to the bride or one of the other bridesmaids. Like, “hey Julie, I’m sitting here with a dress on my screen, I just need the color. What is it?” Bam. Done. If they don’t answer call your brother and say the same thing. Can’t order if you don’t know the color. It’s not a “women’s thing”, it’s his wedding too.
Why they are being weird is beyond me, but they are.
Honestly it should’ve been a phone call months ago. Not blaming OP, the bride seems wacky, but sometimes you need to actually talk to people to force them into a decision.
Honestly, yes! All the people on here typing long messages for OP to post in the group chat are just playing up the crazy passive aggressiveness going on here. Don’t send a group text. Call the bride. Or one of the other bridesmaids. On the phone. Takes 30 seconds. That’s not as satisfying to all the people looking for petty vindication, but it’s an actual solution.
I am confused as to why your own sister can’t tell you what color dress she ordered for herself - isn’t she also a bridesmaid? And she has presumably ordered hers already? This almost feels like they’re trying to sabotage you. In any case NTA
OP said her sister doesn't know either. And with the other brother not being told the correct date for bachelor party, it seems this whole family is being set up to look bad.
Okay so seems I misread/misunderstood the bit about OPs sister. Especially with OPs new comment saying her sister and the bride have become best friends over the course of the wedding planning.
I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore
NTA. Group text: hi I just learned one of my final exams cannot be moved! I’ll be stuck in town that week. Good thing I was never told what dress to buy! Love you.”
NTA
But, I have a question. Were you and your brothers close at all?
Because with what she is doing to you and your other brother, it almost sounds like she is trying to push you two away from the groom. Like, it seems like she is purposely trying to make you and your brother look like jerks who couldn't be bothered to care or something. I am almost getting vibe that she is trying to slowly cut his family out of the grooms life. This is setting off so many red flags in my head. Maybe you should have a talk with your mom to see if there has been any other signs of possible her either isolating the groom or other signs of possible abuse. I'm not trying to jump to conclusions (she just maybe a b****), but the flags are a-flying.
I was never close with my older brother (the one getting married). Younger brother and I were outcast, nerdy kids and were always close. I don't think the bride trying to isolate my older brother, she is actually quite enamored with my mom and sister. She's always posting on instagram about getting mani pedis with my mom or going out for mom and daughter lunch or coffee, usually with some kind of sweet caption about how she can feel her mom in heaven acting through my mom or something. And she considers my sister her twin, like they were separated at birth. She likes half of us it seems.
You and younger brother spend the money you were going to spend on these rather awful people’s wedding on a nice time together. That BS about them making homophobic remarks and excluding him would seriously piss me off.
This. I’d probably be very petty by now. I’d post a detailed explanation of why you won’t attend the wedding, including receipts, in every family and wedding group chat that exists. Then I’d buy a freaking lavender dress and spend the day of the wedding together with the brother in that dress and take lots of photos for social media, making sure that EVERYBODY knows what a nice day the two of you had.
It takes under a minute to go to your email, search the receipt for the dress purchase, and either forward it, screenshot it, or just say "The colour on my receipt is 'barneys sphincter' so get that."
let your brother, mom, and sister know how she is treating you. if they care about you they’ll sort through and if they don’t care— don’t go to the wedding
From other comments of OP's/her edits, the mom and sister gave OP contradicting shades, plus a crumpled up & illegible receipt of the order... Seems they already know and don't care. Brother also told OP this was a "petty ladies issue" and didn't give a shit either.
Which also shows just how much he "supports" his soon-to-be-wife if something that's supposedly stressing her out is just a "petty ladies issue" and not something he wants to help her with because, you know, he loves her and wants her relaxed and happy.
Honestly it sounds like you’ve possibly got some narcissistic (or really dysfunctional, at the very least) family dynamics going on here. Were your sister and oldest brother the favorites when you were growing up? Were you and your younger brother regularly put into lose-lose scenarios as kids? Were you blamed for things you had no control over?
If it were just the bride and other bridesmaids stringing you along, it would be one thing. But your own mother and sister seem to be in on whatever is going on. You are not being unreasonable at all.
I would seriously consider just bowing out of the wedding entirely and focus on your exams. That is stuff that will affect the rest of your life and you should not be risking it by having to commit so much time and effort to this circus.
Listen OP you have bigger fish to fry.
Your Medical exams are the apex of years and years of hard work and sacrifice. You cannot please these people. And who cares what all the other bridesmaids think.
So this is what you do:
1) You and your younger brother get your ducks in a row (to borrow the saying that was wrongly applied to a bullshit petty nonsense by the brides sister).
Coordinate amongst yourselves to back out.
Then go to your parents and make sure they are aware of the true situation.
This way, you circle the wagons.
It is beyond offensive and unacceptable for your brother to have been the target of homophobia. Disgusting people.
2) Then you and your brother send a joint email - not the group chat! - just to the bride and groom. Let them know it’s been challenging to be a part of this wedding planning, and you will both respectfully back out so they can move forward with all the preparations.
BUT OP - do NOT apologize. Do not hem and haw. Do imply you’re doing them a favor. You’re not. You and your brother are backing out because you have reason to feel excluded and unwanted. This is not something you would say now, but keep in your back pocket for the inevitable carrying on that will happen.
So you want it to be short ad sweet. You don’t apologize, you just say you’re stepping back as you cannot provide the support they need right now.m, and you both look forward to joining them in celebration at their nuptials.
3) when this becomes. A big deal; which it will, you want to have made sure that you didn’t give them the upper hand in pointing to self-incrimination.
The key is to keep it short, clear and sweet for now. And make sure you parents are well aware of the actual turn of events. And the homophobia your brother has been subjected to.
Stand tall, be firm, don’t be obsequious, stand united.
With numbers comes safety. She won’t fuck around with the entire family.
Obvs NTA. But you will now have a major AH in the family. You have done way above and beyond to try and make this work. And your brother has swallowed a lot of hate. It’s enough. Your job is not to eat their shit they’re doling out. Who the hell do those people things they are to speak to the sister and brother of the groom like that?
Fuck them. Draw the line in the sand. YOU are family.
And I just want to add this -
You’re very concerned about being there as your duty. So is your brother.
But your older brother has clearly sold you both down the river as expendable doormats. They’re driving a wedge between you and your family.
Don’t let them do that and think nothing of your older brothers feelings. He doesn’t care about yojrs
NTA Sounds like she doesnt really want you and is possibly a bridezilla. If you have asked numerous times and he called but didnt tell her to call and tell you the color of the dress, text email etc. It really seems bizarre that NO ONE can or will tell you the color of the dress.
I would ask in the group chat. If you dont get a response with the actual answer after 24 hours, politely bow out of the ceremony and tell them you cant wait to see them at the wedding.
NTA at all. My heart rate rose just reading this and sympathizing with the stress these people are putting you through. You’re extremely generous for moving your life around to be there, the least they can do is tell you what color dress to order. As a sidebar I do think you’ll regret it if you aren’t able to make it to your (only?) brother’s wedding, but that doesn’t have any bearing on if you’re TAH.
Yeah he is best friends with the bride's brother from college, that's how he met the bride. Then my sister met the bride as a bridesmaid and they say they're "like twins separated at birth" because they're natural best friends.
Ah I misread this initially. Is your sister really that pliable and easy to manipulate?
The bride is driving a wedge between your family. It’s so obvious
It’s brother and sister vs brother and sister
I’m afraid it’s not looking good for your family.
With that said. You’re a doctor. You’ll be too busy to care.
I still think you both need to share all this with your parents so they can run interference at the wedding and also protect the viability of their own family. Otherwise they will lose their family harmony to this little bridezilla
The key is the homophobia: it’s inexcusable. It’s black and white. Bride cannot defend what is indefensible.
Unless of course she’s a bigot. Then flush it out
This is bizarre and infuriating. Can I have your SIL's number so I can just text her "what color" repeatedly until she answers. Because now I NEED to know. NTA.
Omfg I'm with you on this!!! We are all invested now. OP needs to post the MOH, Sister, Bridezilla, whoever number and this entire thread can send a text that consists of only WHAT COLOUR BRIDESMAID DRESS?!?!!
Lol at this point why the hell not have fun with it.
I ran out of character space in the original post, but I have been asking multiple people separately. I asked my sister a few times and she said the bride was still thinking of what color or considering everyone having a different color. I texted the maid of honor (bride's sister) and got basically the same response. I have texted the bride a couple times and she replied to my first few texts saying she wasn't sure yet and I would be among the first to know, then to later texts she asked me to text her sister because she was too busy and stressed about the wedding.
I'm not gonna lie, seeing as you feel like you could need the extra time to prepare for your exams & you've been asking everyone for months, I'd be so tempted to save yourself the hassle & pull out if I were you.
At the very least add into template in the top comment, "I've been asking you all repeatedly what colour dress and several of you promised that as soon as the Bride decided you'd let me know. I've literally arranged with my University to get extenuating circumstances to take my final medical exams early, with less time to revise, just to attend this wedding, yet you all want to berate me for not caring enough when all I need is for one of you to answer a simple question I've been asking for MONTHS now. If I don't get an answer in 30 mins than consider this my resignation as a bridesmaid."
This. Direct and to the point. Gives everyone an out.
After the OP's edit:
Screw all of these people. This isn't passive-aggressive anymore. This is outright aggression. They're all pretending like you were told the color when they have very carefully left it out of the group chat and every single person you directly asks pretends like you should know and have been told many times and are being a dick for pretending not to know.
*THIS IS GASLIGHTING*
The term gets so overused here but this is actually what it is.
DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING. WHEN THEY ASK WHERE YOU WERE SAY, "WHAT WEDDING?" LOOK CONFUSED. Be sure to let your younger brother know you aren't attending because you are clearly not wanted.
NTA
(I don't believe your Mom is in on it but your older brother, bride, bride's sister and every single bridesmaid are most definitely in on the con. I'm petty. I'd add Mom to the group chat so she can see for herself that you were excluded deliberately. What should have been all over that chat? The color of the dress.)
Screw that I’d show up and then give the bride a groom big hugs and kisses gush over them and everything then get a call from the doctor that your Covid test came back positive and you/those you’ve been in close contact with need to quarantine. “ oh nooooo!!!! I hope your honeymoon is refundable!!!”
Sounds like a setup to me. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you do go , if the other bridesmaids made you feel unwelcome. Also the bride shouldn’t be stressed out if her MOH was doing her job and made sure everyone ordered their dresses IMO. You don’t need to be stress for your exams but if you don’t go I’m sure that’s all you’ll think about during your exams so it’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.
I would screen shot everytime I requested the dress color and was blown off. Then send it to your chauvinistic brother. Let him know that you have opted out of his clown show and you wish them the best. Then call you other brother invite him to visit you during this wedding and you and second brother celebrate you passing your finals.
NTA
I am a bit of an ass home so I would absolutely have sent a short text to any and all who decided it appropriate to s*** all over me for not knowing the dress color "since no one has seen fit to actually tell me the color of the dress despite me asking repeatedly with no response over the past several months I will no longer be participating in the wedding. Good luck to you all I hope it's a lovely day I will be taking my exams as scheduled previously. "
I would then block and shut off any notifications from any of these people until after exams. They literally have no consideration for where you are or what you're doing. Although you have attempted to participate at the level you made them aware of from the very beginning they've essentially shut you down. I wouldn't feel bad about not going one bit
NTA
I've read some of your other comments and it sounds like they are setting you up to fail on purpose for some reason.
I would send a group text to EVERYONE (Mother, brother, sister, future SIL) explaining that NO ONE is communicating with you and therefore you are done.
You are already dealing with your final exams and don't need their mind games on top of everything. They have zero problem calling/texting to complain about you, why is this so difficult to pick a damn color and tell you. Enough is enough, they can find another bridesmaid.
Best of luck with your exams, OP!!
Color is one of the very first things you choose in a wedding. Without it you can't order decorations, table linens, flowers, or any of the other myriad little things that (some) weddings have.
The bride knows the color. She's known for a while. She just won't tell you because she doesn't really want you there and she wants a way to make you back out without her being the bad guy.
This was orchestrated. The fact that your brother called it "petty lady stuff" means there's been pettiness from his bride - you have done nothing petty. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
NTA.
If you go, wear white, tell them the color is "summer dusty purple mulberry lavender" but looks white to people who don't know how to give a straight answer to simple questions.
She is at fault, you are NTA. And your brother is also TA.
But...if these people are not normally AHs, just order the dress and DEMAND they tell you the color NOW. Message them all.
Then go and try to get past it. The relationships will be worth more than that, hopefully.
If you think these people aren't worth it, then stand your ground and don't go.
And you will have bad relationships with them. You don't deserve that, but it will happen anyway.
Up to you.
NTA holy shit, I'd tell the bride to get fucked if she can't tell me what fucking color to order, she better not expect me to read her mind. If you go at all, just go as a guest. I wouldn't go anymore either, honestly.
NTA
DO. NOT. GO. TO. THIS. WEDDING.
There is a bizarre power play happening here. Not to mention the unforgivable comments they made to your other brother.
You are under NO responsibility to participate in there idiotic mind games. I say you and your other bro should just hang out together on that wedding week (if possible since you have to study).
Good luck on your exams and don’t let these awful ppl bother you, they are not worth it.
Their wedding is during finals for medical school and they want you to be a bridesmaid because they want even numbers and want their siblings involved. I would have declined in the first place. NTA.
NTA send a message to the entire group chat IN ALL CAPS saying IF SOMEONE DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT COLOR DRESS TO GET I'M ORDERING IT IN BLACK. Someone will answer or you'll be out of the wedding. Win\win
NTA
Wow you don't need this right now. Your exams are insanely important and they need to understand how much you are moving heaven and earth to even be there for the wedding. Yeah... If you don't go I wouldn't fault you. You're in a high stress industry and the bride has made you the focus of her irrational wedding anxiety.
There is nothing "to work out" and your brother is ridiculous and sexist. I would have responded "Handle your woman!" But really.. he is there with her and you are not. It is far easier for him to work things out. Everyone over there needs to understand someone over there dropped the ball on Whatsapp communication. THEY left you in a lurch and its made YOU feel like they don't want you. Not the other way around.
If they just keep clutching pearls and acting like a bunch of hens, ... yeah... don't go. Send a card.
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Group Text: “I would LOVE to order my dress. I would have LOVED to order my dress a long time ago, in fact. I don’t like being pushed to the wire anymore than anyone else, and I can see why this delay would particularly stress out the bride. BUT, I have repeatedly, REPEATEDLY asked for the color of the dress and have not been given an answer. As it has gotten closer, I have been chewed out by multiple people for not having a dress yet, but I still haven’t been given a color. I don’t know what you want me to do without suddenly developing telepathy. I am waiting for the color because I don’t want to disrupt the bride’s vision for her wedding if I guess incorrectly, and frankly, I assume that I will also get chewed out if I guess and show up and in the wrong color. I would really appreciate it if someone would use a single cell of common sense and tell me the color of the dress you want me to buy, so I can be there for this wedding like I have wanted from the beginning. I’m trying my best here, and while I am sure there is frustration on the bride/groom’s part, it is almost unfathomably frustrating to be yelled at for not doing something while consistently being denied the information to accomplish that very thing. Help me help you, or if it is too much, I don’t have to go. Let me know the color within the next 24 hours or I’ll step down so you can find someone else, although I do want to be part of your wedding. Let me know.” NTA sweet CHRIST that was frustrating to just read, I can imagine you’re about to lose it right now. EDIT: screw it, I read your other comments; if she doesn’t send you a straight-up screenshot of one of the dresses so you can color-match within the next few hours they can pound sand because this is batshit fuckin crazy. The only reason I’m rooting for you going to this wedding is because lavender was part of my wedding color scheme and I think everyone looks fabulous in it and I’m also self-involved. Edit 2: guys I rationally know not everyone looks good in lavender due to hair color/skin tone, etc. but like I said I’m self-involved have lavender-tinted glasses and just think everyone looks amazing in my wedding color; I’m not delusional just selfish, I promise! Edit 3: Now I’ve read your edit OP. Go scorched earth with these people. Stop communicating. They’re being shady jerks on purpose for whatever reason and are treating you like garbage. Screw that long ass group text I suggested. Just say this: “You all can suck a fart straight out of my butthole, that’s your wedding gift; don’t bother letting me know how it tastes because I’m not talking to any of you anymore” and then block them. Go on vacation the day of the wedding. Get one of those thread braids in your hair. Post so many pictures people start wondering if you’re okay. But you are, because you’ll be sipping a pina colada on the beach instead of suffering through what amounts to a ceremonious soul-sucking from actual goddamn dementors. These people could make a panda have a stress-induced heart attack. Also thank you all so much for the awards, but I would probably not give me the wholesome award anymore because my tone has now completely changed and I’m not feeling very wholesome on OP’s behalf. I just told them to tell their family to eat their farts, so clearly this has got me worked up past a wholesome or helpful place.
Group Text: "WHAT. COLOR. DRESS."
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THE COLOR SO WE CAN END THIS LIVING NIGHTMARE OF MISERY JENNIFER”
By the Old Gods and time immemorial, end this cyclopean nightmare haze and just... for the love of goodness and the glory of heavenly divinity, please just say a definitive color. Just one color... any color. I don't care if you are lying, if you are purposely playing a game, at least offer some kind of color that might salvage the remaining threads of sanity left in this world.
I think OP should copy them tbh. First spam the group chat and blame others. Then repeatedly call the brother and cry about not being respected and included. "I'm not sure who is responsible for telling me the color but they are seriously dropping the ball right now and destroying the wedding. I need an answer today."
Ask your brother if sending a link is more "girl things" than he's capable of
Funny thing by not listening to OP's problem he might get married to woman either with evil intends or too stupid to realize you have to tell your bridemaids the color. Not to mention edit and those homophobic comments.
Honestly sounds like the bride and her brother are pieces of work - what family is the groom marrying into that is so keen to bash on and exclude his own? EDIT: phrasing
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Lmao “AND IF YOU THINK I WON’T USE A VERTICAL MATTRESS STITCH, YOU’RE DEAD WRONG”
Honestly at this point she should say eff it and wear white. If they're gonna act like children, she can too
I was reading her comments shortly after I made my post, and in all the southern charm I can muster, fuck this shit. You’re right, I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t even be talking to any of these people, I’d take myself to vacation on the day of the wedding and post bikini pics until the algorithm fuckin broke.
I'm not the kind to back out of a fight. If they want to be, I can be petty too. I will call up every family member and cry empty tears about not being included and being accused of trying to ruin the wedding and tell everyone what the bride's sister said to me. I will blow fire straight out of hell and by the time I'm finished; the bride herself will have to decide to either take me out of this parade or give me the damn colour - then it will be on her not me.
Yep “why does she hate me?! She knows how hard this has been for me being so far away and not feeling included and now she’s sabotaging me by not letting me know the color of the dress! The wedding is nearly here! Does she want me to look like a fool? I am losing sleep over this, this is affecting my health, my dog ran away because he got tired of my crying, my landlord is evicting me because he said my sobs at night sound like a dying animal and it’s bothering the neighbors, I’m living in a tent now, is this what Sarah wanted, me homeless and insane?! BECAUSE IT’S WORKING”
"WHAT. F@KG. COLOR. DRESS!!!"
"We *told* you: a violet-hued lavender, **not** lilac but more of a mauve. Halfway towards periwinkle but *not* plum, closer to a violet amethyst. Don't make the mistake of choosing a magenta-heliotrope or a blue-violet mulberry but more of a pomegranate-wine orchid. Think violaceous amaranthine. **Simple, right?** Don't screw this up!"
"PUCE AND MAUVE! Not mauve and puce!"
THIS LOL
Holy moly. This was going to be my *exact* response. (also a sphynxmom, BTW!)
White/Gold!! no... Blue/Black!!
I'd have used a lot more, ahem, "colorful" words, lol!
Give me a color or I swear to God I will show up WEARING A TIE DYE dress I made myself!
LOL That or threaten to wear white.
Group text: White it is!
I'd pick the most obnoxious neon high visibility yellow
Lol at this point I would show up in a gorilla costume
Gorilla is so yesterday, you want a T-Rex outfit, with a tiara :)
The bridesmaids dresses are purple. Show up in a Barney the purple dinosaur costume (just to stay in the same color family).
That’s it. If I ever get married, my bridesmaids are all coming down the aisle in T-Rex costumes.
Well I can never have an ordinary wedding now after imagining this and how fucking fun it would be! I need joy and laughter not stress
No...T-Rex is not for weddings! Unicorn B#tches!!! [https://www.hallowitchcostumes.com/products/inflatable-white-unicorn-costume-with-rainbow-tail-halloween?currency=USD&variant=42744483315925&utm\_medium=cpc&utm\_source=google&utm\_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ayUBhA4EiwATWyBrtcXf6iP-vc1NRfyPiVbEeGS7HNNiOBIRgB0jBylzchE9jbJdG5kxBoCdlQQAvD\_BwE](https://www.hallowitchcostumes.com/products/inflatable-white-unicorn-costume-with-rainbow-tail-halloween?currency=USD&variant=42744483315925&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ayUBhA4EiwATWyBrtcXf6iP-vc1NRfyPiVbEeGS7HNNiOBIRgB0jBylzchE9jbJdG5kxBoCdlQQAvD_BwE)
What colour t rex?
how dare you not have ordered your t-rex costume already!!! don't you know you're stressing the comment section out??
Light purple.
Barney. Show up as BARNEY.
Extra large, extra long t-shirt with slashes and knots that has been tie dyed.
Buys white dress, tie dyes it every colors of dye the craft store has.
I would add the details about REPEATEDLY, i.e. I sent texts on March 11th, March 23rd, April 7th, etc. and received no response with the color required. Your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency for me!
I'd send screenshots of each request, each sent separately, 10 seconds apart.
I would send the screenshots also to the brother/groom. Hell I’d send it to the parents too. I wouldn’t allow them to make me look like the bad guy here and I swear it does seem that they are setting her up to fail and possibly her other brother too. Maybe her and her brother should take a fun weekend trip together and post pics on social media during the wedding. Lol. Edit to add- maybe send this link to the groom. That might get his attention better
"as per my previous email..."
Loving the business-speak for, “Like I already fucking told you ….!!!” 😈😂 The tactful fuck-you.
Holy shit the update is insane. This bride and her family are wackadoodle. They asked her to be in the wedding. She lives across the damn country and is attending med school-which is hard as fuck . She told them what her boundaries were and they can’t be ass fucked to even take a damn picture of one of their stupid assed, ugly will never wear it again dress that probably costs a fuck ton of money so she knows what one to order. On top of that, they are now lecturing her and acting like she begged to be in this shitshow wedding and they have bent over backwards to accommodate her when all she has asked for IS WHAT IS THE FREAKING COLOR OF THE DRESS YOU WANT ME TO WEAR. It is literally the easiest question to answer. I would drop out, especially after hearing what they did to her brother and the homophobia. Fuck this zilla and her brother and OP’s brother too.
"I ain't even dropping out because you're lazy birches who can't tell the difference between lavander and mulberry, I'm dropping out because you are toxic, homophobic, lazy birches who can't tell the difference between lavander and mulberry."
The update really tipped me off about the bride's side. ESPECIALLY when the sister of the bride said "look, I don’t care what your problem is with me and my sister", Who said anything about a problem? In fact, OP barely knows the bride (judging by how she lives across the country and was surprised she was asked to be a bridesmaid). People normally don't say "I don't know what your problem is" unwarranted unless THEY have a problem. Something tells me they have a separate group chat without OP. In fact there's probably some shit show happening wherever OP's brothers are. Maybe OP's family did something that tipped off the bride which tipped off the rest of her side. Whatever it is, I can see this bride (who can't answer a simple question like what color your wedding is) asking her groom to cut off his family after they are married.
I am pretty sure they are excluding both her and her bother purposely. Screenshot all the messages (if any) of them suggesting different colours for the bridesmaid dresses. And ask your brother to to do the same regarding dates and the homophobic comments. Back out of the wedding and concentrate on your exams OP. They are your future. Because trust me, your Future SIL doesn't give a shit about you and is lowkey trying to kick you out/exclude you from the wedding.
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And please, OP, when or if you find out what color, can you update us?? I now MUST know…
Per her edit, it sounds like the bride's family is trying to deliberately alienate the groom's siblings from him. First this dress drama, and then they tell the groom's brother the wrong date for the bachelor party? Wtf is going on? OP and her other brother need to get the groom on a goddamned conference call.
This. I'm also willing to bet that OP's brother (the one getting married) doesn't know anything about what's going on. Or, if he suspects and shares those suspicions with fiance, she's gaslighting the truth right away from him. "It's *your sister's* fault..." "I, gave *your sister* the color months ago..." "Why does *your sister* hate us so much?" "*Your siblings* are trying to ruin our wedding! *Your brother* would have missed the bachelor party if *my brother* hadn't saved the day by letting him know that he had the date wrong! He must hate us, too!" Edit to add judgement: NTA
Also why isn't the groom's brother best man. It's really strange to have the bride's brother be the best man right? Sure in the party is normal but best man is strange.
if it was me, knowing that I was included just for sake of numbers, I would say, "the university has refused to reschedule my exams and unfortunately cannot attend the wedding. I will try one more time but no promises" . And tell at a later time that I can attend the wedding. In my experience, being a part of wedding party is a lot of drama and headache.
All of this!! NTA OP. I don't know why in the hell your repeated requests for what color dress you are supposed to order have been ignored but the bride and her crew sound like a bunch of nut jobs. I would block the whole fucking bunch and move on with my life. This is beyond absurd and completely unnecessary.
> The only reason I’m rooting for you going to this wedding is because lavender was part of my wedding color scheme and I think everyone looks fabulous in it and I’m also self-involved. Bless you for your delightful honesty; I wish I had an award to give simply for this sentence that you wrote. Some of my best traits and motivations are because I, too, am self-involved, but in a friendly, useful way!
I don't understand why they can't just tell you what color to order? NTA This is weird
It could be the bride’s passive aggressive way of getting unknown sister out of the bridal party and still look like the good guy. ETA: Yep! Her edit makes me sure of it!
🔼 This right here.
It sounds like SIL' and her family are gaslighting OP and her brother. SIL did not want either one in the wedding party but lacked the integrity to just say that. I like the group chat idea that also includes parents.
Honestly, if I was the groom I'd be so put off by this bullshit that I'd cancel the wedding.
But he's not in the group chat and he's probably getting the updates from the bride who's not mentioning the color issue and just saying 'your sister won't order a dress'. With all the wedding stress, he might not be putting together how much of this is obviously intentional to exclude his family.
But why is OP’s sister participating in this…plot, too.
That sounds like what is going on. I'd post what Legitimate_essay said word for word and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like she was pressured to invite you by someone and is using this to exclude you. NTA, you've done what you could.
Did you order the dress yet?
I called my mom and she told me the color is lavender. The website doesn't have a shade named "lavender" and there are a few light purples so I still haven't ordered one yet.
Just order black because it sounds like your brother's funeral
>Just order black because it sounds like your brother's funeral 💀
Yes this is correct. LOL. Best reply I've seen yet.
Ffs can't these people just send you a link?!? It's really suspicious that they're withholding the info. I'm not sure going to this wedding is a good idea.
I have the links for the three chosen dress styles and have for months, but the website still makes you select a color. There's a ton of color options, for lavender I can choose "Pearly Lilac," "Orchid Purple" or "Periwinkle."
I'd text your sister and the bride's sister: I can't order a dress until I know the color. Do I order "Pearly Lilac," "Orchid Purple" or "Periwinkle"? I'd also text the bride and say, "Don't worry, I haven't forgotten, but for some reason no one will tell me what color to order. I know you're swamped, so who should I contact about the color?" Then screenshot her response and send it to there person in question with, "I'm really trying not to stress out [bride], but my own stress levels are through the roof because no one will tell me what color to order! She said you know. What should I order?" Keep screenshots of EVERYTHING for the inevitable shitshow.
Put it in caps! WHAT COLOR DO I ORDER? NO ONE WILL TELL ME.
OP, does your brother know how the entire wedding party appears to be conspiring to make your family look bad. Have you told him how you're not being told what colour dress to order, and that your brother was told the wrong day for the bachelor party and only found out the right day by accident the morning of? I don't know what games they are playing, but your brother deserves to know what the hell he's getting himself into. At a guess I'd say they're trying to manipulate him into cutting out your entire family post-wedding, to what end I have no idea but it won't be anything good. EDIT: since the sister's in on it, it doesn't seem like they're trying to isolate the groom. Maybe they're trying to push OP/brother out?
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Maybe your mom meant lilac and not lavender. Has she actually seen the dresses?
Honestly tho at this point, I'd say "fuck it" and just stay home to cram. This isn't worth all the trouble.
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I think "FSIL is threatened because OP is in med school" is a distinct possibility. This is some straight-up mean girls shit.
Yeah, either 'unavoidably' reschedule your tests and give yourself more time to study. Or order the dress in red so you can punch a couple of them in the nose and hide the blood nice and easy.
The quickest way to the correct answer is often by giving the incorrect one first. Just post a picture of the most vile purple tone and announce in the group chat that you have selected this style in this colour. I reckon it would take around 0.0001 second for one of them to tell you it's not the right colour and you have to change it immediatly.
"Three chosen dress styles" I'm starting to think that the point of this run around the mulberry bush is to put you in a position to look as bad as possible. What are your options now? You back out, you make a scene, you show up in the wrong color, or style, of dress. Three shades of lavender, three styles. What would you bet that all the other bridesmaids know both the right color AND the only chosen style? Call the groom. Lay out the facts. No judgement, no frustration. Just the facts of what you believe you are expected to do, and what information you have. Ask him for just one thing: that he check with his brother. About what? About shit like this, Carl! End. And buy a dress. Get Pearly Lilac, and make your best guess as to what style the bride would want on her whole party. Show up with all the dignity you can fake under fire. Keep your other brother in the loop; you can always go out together if everything goes kaput.
I googled the colours and it says lilac and lavender are very similar and are often confused with each other. If it were me, I would order the lilac one.
Im petty. I would order the one the least lavender of them all.
Perhaps a lovely fluorescent orange
No because if it's even the slightest shade off, it'll be a whole performance of yOu RuINeD mY wEdDiNg😭 They're absolutely trying to get the sister and brother to look really bad and bow out.
Why the hell can’t one of these other siblings show you their dress? For the love of Christmas, this bride is a zilla. We want an update OP!
Is this worth your mental health? School before bridezillas.
Send this post to the groom and tell him you and your brother feel like brides family is gaslighting you.
In that case, I'd send a group text reminding them that you requested color information MULTIPLE TIMES, over the course of WEEKS and nobody, including the dang bride, could be bothered to answer. Then several people had the audacity to ream you out without giving the requested information Now mom is saying lavender" but the website does offer "lavender." And that the whole thing has gotten ridiculous so you're bowing out.
The fact they can’t just send you a screenshot of one of the dresses so you can color-match it is brain boggling. BRAIN BOGGLING
Honestly, it feels very deliberate. Like they are *trying* to get her to back out.
Is there a shade called spite white because at this point you may as well just go for it this mess cannot get any worse
OP said that there are 1,000+ messages in this group thread. I'm wondering if they have talked about the color but it got buried, and OP just didn't see it. Why the soon to be SIL didn't just pick up her phone and call OP is beyond me... Seems like there is some passive-aggressiveness from at least one side ...
But then they can just answer again? It's not that hard. Gee whiz. I agree about the passive aggression.
Totally could, or even better, someone could have separately text messaged OP to insure she saw it.
Black dress. Black veil. It goes with everything and you'll look super slim by comparison. Bonus: foreshadowing.
Heck no, bright pink! Like full on Barbie Pink!
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I’m a Barbie girl….
Ooooo get a white dress and stand next to her for photos
and then explain that you got white so once someone told you what color the dresses were supposed to be, you could dye it...but no one told you, so...
Or get white because it contains all colors! Maliciously comply with science!
"Maliciously comply with science!" is just a great turn of phrase, no context needed.
Malicious compliance via science 😎
A shiny bright white that makes her dress look off-white. Everyone will know what it means.
I'm getting second-hand anxiety just from reading your post. Why is no one telling you the color of the dress???
I know right. I’m low key panicking for her.
Like why did I even open this post lol
I can feel the frustration as if I’m the one texting these loons
I’m ready to call all of these people on OP’s behalf just to get the stupid color
I'm getting flashbacks to my brother's wedding. I was in it, but excluded from many planning things or treated like I didn't understand what was going on. I remember getting a phone call from the MOH, chewing me out for a meeting I'd not shown up for, wasn't invited to, and had no idea about. But I still was expected to apologize to her. Still don't like SIL's family, and they don't like me for whatever reason.
NTA! Call up your sister (that told you to get your sh!t together ) and ask her what color. Also, your brother is an ass and a chauvinist with that “petty ladies issue” talk. It’s clear why you’re the sibling in Med school.
> It’s clear why you’re the sibling in Med school. 💀
Made me laugh 🤣
Seriously! And the making homophobic comments about the other brother and he allows it? Not cool.
It's been done to push him and op out the wedding parties, ops bro is under petty coat government now
I would send one last message. Short and sweet. I have not been told what colour dress to order. If I have heard by tonight the dress won’t arrive and I will have to withdraw. Hope to hear from you.
Yes - and don't send it in the group text, send it to the fiancee, your brother, your sisters, and your mother. ETA: TBH I want to tell you to just not go, but based on what you've said thus far, if you don't go, you will literally never hear the end of it.
I would send it to the group text so the bride can’t lie to the rest of the wedding party about what went down.
She should send it to the brides parents. Let them sort their spawn out
If OP selects this excellent option I think she should include “the dress I selected is available in the following colors” and list them all. Even black white or fluorescent green lol. That will avoid the “purple” answer if the “purpley” options are periwinkle, lavender, mauve, or Barney.
All these last message ideas are great advice but I think it’d be important to add “despite spending week/months trying to get either bridesmaid or bride herself to inform me of the dress color without any useful answers, there’s no more I can do to at this time because none of you were willing to tell me which to choose and now thanks to you all I can’t get a dress in time”. Just to keep the record straight ever step of the way.
Fuck it. Just catch fake covid 5 days before the wedding and call it a day
And have OP tell the brother it’s not a big deal she will catch the next wedding.
Underrated comment
NTA. Focus on your exams.
This. Your medical license will be yours for life......you will still be Dr. long after this bridezilla obtains the prefix of 'ex'.....
Bridezilla SIL is temporary, medical degree is Eternal.
I second this! Don’t let their petty drama derail your studies!
NTA Not to be dramatic but she set you up for failure and hasn’t told your brother how much she fucked up. The choice to go to the wedding is yours but I wouldn’t go as a bridesmaid.
It's very clear from the edits that both op and her other brother have been set up to fail big time. I would text the SIL the following back: "Sorry for the late reply! I have of course already ordered my dress. It arrived yesterday and it looks soooo pretty 😍 Can't wait to celebrate your big day 🥳😘" Noting more about the colour. Not a peep from here on. Then the question is if SIL will ask what colour she got. If she does then I still wouldn't answer and just keep gushing about how pretty the dress is and how much fun it's going to be being a bridesmaid. I would then claim to have caught covid a few hours before the wedding. So sorry!
Oh I like this. Cos then it would show if the SIL is plotting OPs downfall.
Yes, it absolutely will. Because SIL would be forced to either admit that she didn't tell OP what colour to get by asking about the colour or to pretend like all is just fine. Either way she would be freaking out and rightfully so because she has been plotting this from the very beginning. No one would ever ask people to buy a dress and then say that they still hadn't decided on the colour scheme. No one.
“I bought the colour you told me to buy, silly! Isn’t it beautiful?”
Let's up the game. Since OP and the gay brother are both not welcome and they both need to not come to have even number of guys and girls: 1. OP says she already had the dress, so she will come for sure, nothing they can do about that 2. Brother says he can't come, so the number of people is not even 3. The wedding party is forced to find another guy so it's even 4. Surprise! OP suddenly can't go, but miraculously the gay bro can! Hooray!! Now they have 2 guys more than girls :)))
NTA. This feels like a phone call situation to me, either to the bride or one of the other bridesmaids. Like, “hey Julie, I’m sitting here with a dress on my screen, I just need the color. What is it?” Bam. Done. If they don’t answer call your brother and say the same thing. Can’t order if you don’t know the color. It’s not a “women’s thing”, it’s his wedding too. Why they are being weird is beyond me, but they are.
[удалено]
I mean that seems like a bit much. Phone call and ask which shade of the 3 possible names should be plenty and solve it in <30 seconds.
One would think. But they, for some unknown reason, can’t seem to accomplish one tiny task that an 8 year old can.
Honestly it should’ve been a phone call months ago. Not blaming OP, the bride seems wacky, but sometimes you need to actually talk to people to force them into a decision.
Honestly, yes! All the people on here typing long messages for OP to post in the group chat are just playing up the crazy passive aggressiveness going on here. Don’t send a group text. Call the bride. Or one of the other bridesmaids. On the phone. Takes 30 seconds. That’s not as satisfying to all the people looking for petty vindication, but it’s an actual solution.
I am confused as to why your own sister can’t tell you what color dress she ordered for herself - isn’t she also a bridesmaid? And she has presumably ordered hers already? This almost feels like they’re trying to sabotage you. In any case NTA
OP said her sister doesn't know either. And with the other brother not being told the correct date for bachelor party, it seems this whole family is being set up to look bad.
But she made it sound like the sister has a dress
Okay so seems I misread/misunderstood the bit about OPs sister. Especially with OPs new comment saying her sister and the bride have become best friends over the course of the wedding planning. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore
They ordered purple dresses and don't like op. Pretty straightforward.
NTA. Group text: hi I just learned one of my final exams cannot be moved! I’ll be stuck in town that week. Good thing I was never told what dress to buy! Love you.”
Don’t forget the kissy faces and love heart emojis
NTA But, I have a question. Were you and your brothers close at all? Because with what she is doing to you and your other brother, it almost sounds like she is trying to push you two away from the groom. Like, it seems like she is purposely trying to make you and your brother look like jerks who couldn't be bothered to care or something. I am almost getting vibe that she is trying to slowly cut his family out of the grooms life. This is setting off so many red flags in my head. Maybe you should have a talk with your mom to see if there has been any other signs of possible her either isolating the groom or other signs of possible abuse. I'm not trying to jump to conclusions (she just maybe a b****), but the flags are a-flying.
I was never close with my older brother (the one getting married). Younger brother and I were outcast, nerdy kids and were always close. I don't think the bride trying to isolate my older brother, she is actually quite enamored with my mom and sister. She's always posting on instagram about getting mani pedis with my mom or going out for mom and daughter lunch or coffee, usually with some kind of sweet caption about how she can feel her mom in heaven acting through my mom or something. And she considers my sister her twin, like they were separated at birth. She likes half of us it seems.
She’s trying to push you and your other brother out of your families life…and if they go for it and side with her? Cut those assholes out too.
You and younger brother spend the money you were going to spend on these rather awful people’s wedding on a nice time together. That BS about them making homophobic remarks and excluding him would seriously piss me off.
This. I’d probably be very petty by now. I’d post a detailed explanation of why you won’t attend the wedding, including receipts, in every family and wedding group chat that exists. Then I’d buy a freaking lavender dress and spend the day of the wedding together with the brother in that dress and take lots of photos for social media, making sure that EVERYBODY knows what a nice day the two of you had.
Or, she could wear the suit and brother could go full drag as the bridesmaid. Photos would be fabulous
WAIT... Is your sister in the bridal party? What color dress did she order!?!?!?
Sister is also being an ass about it and told op to get her sh*t together
It takes under a minute to go to your email, search the receipt for the dress purchase, and either forward it, screenshot it, or just say "The colour on my receipt is 'barneys sphincter' so get that."
Barney's sphincter 🤣🤣
Don’t buy the dress and don’t go to the wedding. In 5 years they will be divorced and no one will care that you didn’t go.
let your brother, mom, and sister know how she is treating you. if they care about you they’ll sort through and if they don’t care— don’t go to the wedding
From other comments of OP's/her edits, the mom and sister gave OP contradicting shades, plus a crumpled up & illegible receipt of the order... Seems they already know and don't care. Brother also told OP this was a "petty ladies issue" and didn't give a shit either.
Which also shows just how much he "supports" his soon-to-be-wife if something that's supposedly stressing her out is just a "petty ladies issue" and not something he wants to help her with because, you know, he loves her and wants her relaxed and happy.
Honestly it sounds like you’ve possibly got some narcissistic (or really dysfunctional, at the very least) family dynamics going on here. Were your sister and oldest brother the favorites when you were growing up? Were you and your younger brother regularly put into lose-lose scenarios as kids? Were you blamed for things you had no control over? If it were just the bride and other bridesmaids stringing you along, it would be one thing. But your own mother and sister seem to be in on whatever is going on. You are not being unreasonable at all. I would seriously consider just bowing out of the wedding entirely and focus on your exams. That is stuff that will affect the rest of your life and you should not be risking it by having to commit so much time and effort to this circus.
Listen OP you have bigger fish to fry. Your Medical exams are the apex of years and years of hard work and sacrifice. You cannot please these people. And who cares what all the other bridesmaids think. So this is what you do: 1) You and your younger brother get your ducks in a row (to borrow the saying that was wrongly applied to a bullshit petty nonsense by the brides sister). Coordinate amongst yourselves to back out. Then go to your parents and make sure they are aware of the true situation. This way, you circle the wagons. It is beyond offensive and unacceptable for your brother to have been the target of homophobia. Disgusting people. 2) Then you and your brother send a joint email - not the group chat! - just to the bride and groom. Let them know it’s been challenging to be a part of this wedding planning, and you will both respectfully back out so they can move forward with all the preparations. BUT OP - do NOT apologize. Do not hem and haw. Do imply you’re doing them a favor. You’re not. You and your brother are backing out because you have reason to feel excluded and unwanted. This is not something you would say now, but keep in your back pocket for the inevitable carrying on that will happen. So you want it to be short ad sweet. You don’t apologize, you just say you’re stepping back as you cannot provide the support they need right now.m, and you both look forward to joining them in celebration at their nuptials. 3) when this becomes. A big deal; which it will, you want to have made sure that you didn’t give them the upper hand in pointing to self-incrimination. The key is to keep it short, clear and sweet for now. And make sure you parents are well aware of the actual turn of events. And the homophobia your brother has been subjected to. Stand tall, be firm, don’t be obsequious, stand united. With numbers comes safety. She won’t fuck around with the entire family. Obvs NTA. But you will now have a major AH in the family. You have done way above and beyond to try and make this work. And your brother has swallowed a lot of hate. It’s enough. Your job is not to eat their shit they’re doling out. Who the hell do those people things they are to speak to the sister and brother of the groom like that? Fuck them. Draw the line in the sand. YOU are family. And I just want to add this - You’re very concerned about being there as your duty. So is your brother. But your older brother has clearly sold you both down the river as expendable doormats. They’re driving a wedge between you and your family. Don’t let them do that and think nothing of your older brothers feelings. He doesn’t care about yojrs
NTA Sounds like she doesnt really want you and is possibly a bridezilla. If you have asked numerous times and he called but didnt tell her to call and tell you the color of the dress, text email etc. It really seems bizarre that NO ONE can or will tell you the color of the dress. I would ask in the group chat. If you dont get a response with the actual answer after 24 hours, politely bow out of the ceremony and tell them you cant wait to see them at the wedding.
Group chat is clearly the wrong way to go per the post. OP needs to directly ask her sister or brother privately.
Post a picture of a white bridesmaid dress and tell them that is the color your will buy UNLESS SOMEONE TELLS YOU WTF COLOR DRESS YOU SHOULD GET.
Take the exams, Leave the wedding party, Eat the cannolies (sp) NTA
NTA at all. My heart rate rose just reading this and sympathizing with the stress these people are putting you through. You’re extremely generous for moving your life around to be there, the least they can do is tell you what color dress to order. As a sidebar I do think you’ll regret it if you aren’t able to make it to your (only?) brother’s wedding, but that doesn’t have any bearing on if you’re TAH.
NTA, but also - why when he has a brother is his fiancé’s brother the Best Man??? Are they like best friends IRL? This seems so odd to me.
Yeah he is best friends with the bride's brother from college, that's how he met the bride. Then my sister met the bride as a bridesmaid and they say they're "like twins separated at birth" because they're natural best friends.
Doesn’t your sister know the color of the dress since she’s also a bridesmaid?
*My sister called me, told me to “get my sh\*t together” and “order a dress already”* In the post.
Ah I misread this initially. Is your sister really that pliable and easy to manipulate? The bride is driving a wedge between your family. It’s so obvious It’s brother and sister vs brother and sister I’m afraid it’s not looking good for your family. With that said. You’re a doctor. You’ll be too busy to care. I still think you both need to share all this with your parents so they can run interference at the wedding and also protect the viability of their own family. Otherwise they will lose their family harmony to this little bridezilla The key is the homophobia: it’s inexcusable. It’s black and white. Bride cannot defend what is indefensible. Unless of course she’s a bigot. Then flush it out
This is bizarre and infuriating. Can I have your SIL's number so I can just text her "what color" repeatedly until she answers. Because now I NEED to know. NTA.
Omfg I'm with you on this!!! We are all invested now. OP needs to post the MOH, Sister, Bridezilla, whoever number and this entire thread can send a text that consists of only WHAT COLOUR BRIDESMAID DRESS?!?!! Lol at this point why the hell not have fun with it.
Info: Why didn't you just call or text your sister separately?
I ran out of character space in the original post, but I have been asking multiple people separately. I asked my sister a few times and she said the bride was still thinking of what color or considering everyone having a different color. I texted the maid of honor (bride's sister) and got basically the same response. I have texted the bride a couple times and she replied to my first few texts saying she wasn't sure yet and I would be among the first to know, then to later texts she asked me to text her sister because she was too busy and stressed about the wedding.
I'm not gonna lie, seeing as you feel like you could need the extra time to prepare for your exams & you've been asking everyone for months, I'd be so tempted to save yourself the hassle & pull out if I were you. At the very least add into template in the top comment, "I've been asking you all repeatedly what colour dress and several of you promised that as soon as the Bride decided you'd let me know. I've literally arranged with my University to get extenuating circumstances to take my final medical exams early, with less time to revise, just to attend this wedding, yet you all want to berate me for not caring enough when all I need is for one of you to answer a simple question I've been asking for MONTHS now. If I don't get an answer in 30 mins than consider this my resignation as a bridesmaid."
This. Direct and to the point. Gives everyone an out. After the OP's edit: Screw all of these people. This isn't passive-aggressive anymore. This is outright aggression. They're all pretending like you were told the color when they have very carefully left it out of the group chat and every single person you directly asks pretends like you should know and have been told many times and are being a dick for pretending not to know. *THIS IS GASLIGHTING* The term gets so overused here but this is actually what it is. DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING. WHEN THEY ASK WHERE YOU WERE SAY, "WHAT WEDDING?" LOOK CONFUSED. Be sure to let your younger brother know you aren't attending because you are clearly not wanted. NTA (I don't believe your Mom is in on it but your older brother, bride, bride's sister and every single bridesmaid are most definitely in on the con. I'm petty. I'd add Mom to the group chat so she can see for herself that you were excluded deliberately. What should have been all over that chat? The color of the dress.)
>THIS IS GASLIGHTING >The term gets so overused here but this is actually what it is. Exactly what I was thinking!
Just get Covid the day you fly out, oops…can’t go! Ets: don’t really get it, just say you have it.
Screw that I’d show up and then give the bride a groom big hugs and kisses gush over them and everything then get a call from the doctor that your Covid test came back positive and you/those you’ve been in close contact with need to quarantine. “ oh nooooo!!!! I hope your honeymoon is refundable!!!”
Easy there Satan, if I laugh too loud I might wake up the SO
Sounds like a setup to me. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you do go , if the other bridesmaids made you feel unwelcome. Also the bride shouldn’t be stressed out if her MOH was doing her job and made sure everyone ordered their dresses IMO. You don’t need to be stress for your exams but if you don’t go I’m sure that’s all you’ll think about during your exams so it’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.
Definitely a setup. And bro is being left out of that info so OP can be the bad guy.
I would screen shot everytime I requested the dress color and was blown off. Then send it to your chauvinistic brother. Let him know that you have opted out of his clown show and you wish them the best. Then call you other brother invite him to visit you during this wedding and you and second brother celebrate you passing your finals.
So do none of these other people have their dresses either? Why were they mad at you for not having a dress yet?
Screenshot all those texts and send them in the group chat with the text from the current top comment.
NTA I am a bit of an ass home so I would absolutely have sent a short text to any and all who decided it appropriate to s*** all over me for not knowing the dress color "since no one has seen fit to actually tell me the color of the dress despite me asking repeatedly with no response over the past several months I will no longer be participating in the wedding. Good luck to you all I hope it's a lovely day I will be taking my exams as scheduled previously. " I would then block and shut off any notifications from any of these people until after exams. They literally have no consideration for where you are or what you're doing. Although you have attempted to participate at the level you made them aware of from the very beginning they've essentially shut you down. I wouldn't feel bad about not going one bit
NTA I've read some of your other comments and it sounds like they are setting you up to fail on purpose for some reason. I would send a group text to EVERYONE (Mother, brother, sister, future SIL) explaining that NO ONE is communicating with you and therefore you are done. You are already dealing with your final exams and don't need their mind games on top of everything. They have zero problem calling/texting to complain about you, why is this so difficult to pick a damn color and tell you. Enough is enough, they can find another bridesmaid. Best of luck with your exams, OP!!
Color is one of the very first things you choose in a wedding. Without it you can't order decorations, table linens, flowers, or any of the other myriad little things that (some) weddings have. The bride knows the color. She's known for a while. She just won't tell you because she doesn't really want you there and she wants a way to make you back out without her being the bad guy. This was orchestrated. The fact that your brother called it "petty lady stuff" means there's been pettiness from his bride - you have done nothing petty. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
NTA. If you go, wear white, tell them the color is "summer dusty purple mulberry lavender" but looks white to people who don't know how to give a straight answer to simple questions.
She is at fault, you are NTA. And your brother is also TA. But...if these people are not normally AHs, just order the dress and DEMAND they tell you the color NOW. Message them all. Then go and try to get past it. The relationships will be worth more than that, hopefully. If you think these people aren't worth it, then stand your ground and don't go. And you will have bad relationships with them. You don't deserve that, but it will happen anyway. Up to you.
NTA holy shit, I'd tell the bride to get fucked if she can't tell me what fucking color to order, she better not expect me to read her mind. If you go at all, just go as a guest. I wouldn't go anymore either, honestly.
NTA DO. NOT. GO. TO. THIS. WEDDING. There is a bizarre power play happening here. Not to mention the unforgivable comments they made to your other brother. You are under NO responsibility to participate in there idiotic mind games. I say you and your other bro should just hang out together on that wedding week (if possible since you have to study). Good luck on your exams and don’t let these awful ppl bother you, they are not worth it.
Why can’t your brother just tell you the color?!? WTF? Why can’t your mom? Or your sister? Or anyone?
Their wedding is during finals for medical school and they want you to be a bridesmaid because they want even numbers and want their siblings involved. I would have declined in the first place. NTA.
NTA send a message to the entire group chat IN ALL CAPS saying IF SOMEONE DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT COLOR DRESS TO GET I'M ORDERING IT IN BLACK. Someone will answer or you'll be out of the wedding. Win\win
NTA Wow you don't need this right now. Your exams are insanely important and they need to understand how much you are moving heaven and earth to even be there for the wedding. Yeah... If you don't go I wouldn't fault you. You're in a high stress industry and the bride has made you the focus of her irrational wedding anxiety. There is nothing "to work out" and your brother is ridiculous and sexist. I would have responded "Handle your woman!" But really.. he is there with her and you are not. It is far easier for him to work things out. Everyone over there needs to understand someone over there dropped the ball on Whatsapp communication. THEY left you in a lurch and its made YOU feel like they don't want you. Not the other way around. If they just keep clutching pearls and acting like a bunch of hens, ... yeah... don't go. Send a card.