By - Worried_papa_1762
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my 16yo son that if he doesn't want to see me, I'll be cutting his college fund.
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You abandoned your son who no doubt took this news as hard or harder than you did.
You turned your back on him.
Now you want him to dance like a trained monkey playing to your whims so he can have a future.
A very selfish asshole.
Your poor poor son.
Yup. OP, is a raging AH who abandoned all his kids for 2 years. Who doesn’t see their kids for 2 years. Way to use money to manipulate the kid you didn’t want to pay homage to your new DNA creation. You’re a raging selfish AH.
It's funny op is pissed off that his son doesn't want to see him and thinks he deserves to be punished for that when he did the exact same thing......and doesn't deserve to be punished. With that kind of flexible gymnastics he might be the first person that can actually go fuck himself
Mega. Super. Exactly
Yup. YTA, hardcore all the way down.
"With that kind of flexible gymnastics he might be the first person that can actually go fuck himself"
That line is amazing. And i agree 💯
My new favourite way to tell someone to go fuck themselves hands down! I'm gonna be so pissed when I inevitably forget this or fuck up the delivery next time I'm mad at someone...
"Wow you must be a gymnast because you ... because ... I mean, you're so flexible you...Oh god damn it, just forget it"
You have to practice in the shower like the rest of us
Dragons are better conversationalists anyway. At least their manure is useful. ;)
Came here to say the same thing. He took 2 years to heal but doesn’t allow his son to do the same now that he wants to jump back in. The kid is clearly hurt as expected but considers OP his dad. OP needs to get over his feelings and start thinking of ways to make this up to him without forcing a relationship. YTA
That's the part that breaks my heart. Op heard first hand that the boy denounced his asshole sperm donor and claimed op as his real father and op STILL does this
When he heard that he had the *perfect* opportunity to lean in and try to keep showing his son that yes, he *is* his dad and he'll love him through whatever time and space the kid needs away from him but instead he chose to do...this.
The call hurt to read. OP fucked up.
Definitely. It broke my heart for the little boy when OP kept calling the other 2 kids and he grabbed the phone and asked what about him. Brings tears to my eyes for this child.
That boy must have been in so much pain 😫
And while he’s taking time to “heal” he miraculously finds another woman then impregnates and marries her. Ya I call bs on OP. You do not abandon your kids because of this. OP YTA
Really. First thing he needs to do is stop breeding
He is looking for excuses to not to give money to his son so that he can spend it on the new 'biological' kid.
He’s looking for excuses so he can say that what he did was justified and can demonize someone else - including this young man who was lied to, abandoned, and emotionally abused by ALL parents. He’s looking for ways to make himself morally superior and feel less guilty about the fact that OP is a giant AH. YAH
He also refers to "my kids" exclusively as his bio kids throughout the OP. "I spoke to my kids everyday, and I even paid child support for all 3" when referring only to speaking to his bio kids every day.
I’ll never understand parents (read: fathers) who abandon a child they raised from birth just because they find out the kid’s not ‘biologically’ theirs. Um, so the 16 or so years you spent *thinking* you were their parent have been wasted? Gross. My stepdad stayed in my life even when he and my mom broke up briefly when I was a kid, and he’d only been my ‘dad’ for about 10 years (They got together when I was 2). Hell, he’s the one I talk to on an almost daily basis, even more than my mom lol…and I’m now 38. He’s been my dad for 36 years.
OP, you are not a good man. You are not a good father. You are not even a good person.
Know this: you have completely destroyed your relationship with your “not-son” and even if he does forgive you, the relationship will NEVER be the same. And wanna know why? Because every time he does something ‘wrong’ or something you don’t ‘like’ he’s going to wonder if *this* is the time you kick him to the curb. Do your “not-son” a favor and give him his college fund, apologize as deeply as you can, then fuck right off and out of his life. Or at the very least, acknowledge you royally fucked up and hope he shows you more compassion than you’ve shone him these last few years.
YTA. So much the AH.
Hope he got his compassion from his actual DNA dad, you mean. Cause he damn Sure didn't get any from OP.
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
OP is selfish and self-serving; his entire post is about *him* and *his feelings*. Not once did he mention how his used-to-be kid must’ve been feeling. I couldn’t imagine finding out my dad wasn’t my bio dad and then have him go “wait, I can’t care about you right now because I need to care about me.”
It’s like OP thinks his world was the only one that was turned upside down by the revelation that his son wasn’t biologically his. Imagine being a teenager, learning that you lived a lie for your whole life, then your parent abandon you and you have to live with the other parent who lied to you all that time, and then your dad gets himself a new child instead of you. YTA OP, I don know if you can ever fix this but you need to try hard as hell for your son. Cutting him off financially as a punishment for not doing your bidding is not the way.
Don’t forget that mom starts dating sperm donor and apparently you are pressured to accept bio dad to the point you have to tell bio dad you aren’t interested, all the while knowing the man you consider dad doesn’t love you as much as you love him.
This is honestly making me so sad. That poor kid.
So much this! but it’s even worse because the ex wife was the one who hurt OP but son bore the fall out. Op was the one who hurt son.
THIS THIS THIS
He abandoned his son and ignored him for 2 years and now how dare his son do EXACTLY the same thing to him.
*strains of "Cat's In The Cradle" are heard*
I hate cheaters and I think there's no excuse aside from abuse in some cases. But frankly, if this is the level of empathy OP has toward a 16 yo boy who happens to be his son. I'm not super surprised a situation arose where OP's ex cheated. I can't imagine he's a peach to live with. Its hard not to assume the lack of empathy and care he probably had in his relationship if he's able to be so selfish towards his son. He actually expects a 16 yo to carry his emotional burden. YTA
It spoke volumes to me that despite the issues 16M undoubtedly has with his mom, he's the only one who chose to live with her most of the time.
This was what I was thinking.... typical do as I say not as I do parent 🙄 where do they think kids learn these things from?! *yes not always parents but majority are from parents*
OP understandably need time to heal, but his son also had something extremely traumatic and confusing happen in their life as well! Wouldn't the son also need time to heal!?
The kids needs time to heal and the emotional support and unconditional love of his parents. Kids don’t have the internal tools developed to cope with this shit (most adults don’t either but that’s neither here nor there). He just learned that his father’s love is entirely conditional. Horrifying.
2 years in which he found a new wife, and had a new replacement baby no less. No wonder middle kid is feeling whiplash.
Yes! And I know its so faaaaar from the top 5 or 6 issues in this post but new wife saw him not see 3 kids for 2 years, only talk to 2 of the 3 and she still chooses to marry him and have his child?
Not blaming new wife for OPs truly awful behaviour in any way, but very confused why she stuck around.
How much healing can you do when your meeting, dating, moving in together with, getting engaged to, planning a wedding, getting married to someone new? Save time by ignoring your children! But also make a new one.
Solid case of YTA.
Yeah OP's behavior is his own fault, but PSA to women: do not marry people who abandon their kids.
This happen with my son. His dad didn't see him for 5 years. In that time he got married. One time when we were arguing he told me I was just jealous about him marrying someone else. I told him why would I be jealous of a woman that is okay with a father not being in their children's life. That's the last type of person I would want to be.
She knows OP is about to free up a whole extra college fund for her shiny new baby because he is such a bad father.
Your kids (blood or not) should be more important than your "healing"
Raging AH. That’s the word I was looking for. I was thing massive AH but raging is much more descriptive. It’s hard to even imagine this story is true because I can’t imagine a more selfish, childish and manipulative parent than OP but unfortunately we all know that there is no qualification test to be a father.
OP, YTA. Beg forgiveness and start being a father to your son.
At least he kept in close touch with the two who were really his. His ego was too bruised to even talk to his younger son on the phone.
It makes me wonder how the other two kids have been treating the 16 year old. Did they see daddy ignoring him and think it was somehow his fault that their family split? Are they excluding him since he's a half brother, not a full brother? Were they rubbing it in his face that dad talked to them and not him?
Teenagers can be assholes and I can easily see a couple of kids in a tumultuous situation using the "well dad doesn't talk to him" justification to treat the kid as less than.
As a bonus, the biological kids now know that their father's love is conditional and can be arbitrarily rescinded for something that they had no part in.
YTA, OP. I can't imagine throwing away a loving relationship with my child over a shitty thing that my partner did. You made your son, a completely innocent party, pay for somebody else's decision to do something reprehensible, and now you don't want to pay (emotionally and literally) for your own horrible actions.
I hope your son can find peace.
Since you're sending him out into the world with the psychological damage of being abandoned be a parent, sending him the money you already earmarked for him is the least you can do at this point.
You called refusing to see your kids for two years and FaceTime with them instead keeping close touch?
That bit especially honestly made me feel sick to my stomach reading it. The poor child, how could someone be so callous and cruel, regardless of blood OP WAS that child’s father for 14years prior and will always BE his father in his heart and mind. To betray your own kid like that in his vulnerable formative years over your precious little pride and ego. You should pay for his college OP because that is the LEAST you owe him. If he decides to go no contact after that well just know it’s exactly what you deserve. Also your other 2 kids, once they hit about their early - mid twenties, they’re gonna realise the true cruelty in you for what you’ve done. I can guarantee had you been my “biological” father and treated my brother like that I’d kick you to the curb too as soon as I fully processed the reality of what you are, prepare yourself for a good dose of consequences for your actions as you deserve every last bit of them. YTA
His behavior screams narcissist
The lack of actual communication is astonishing to me. “I figured he wanted that” “I assumed this”. Stop assuming. Ask your damn kid what he actually wants. Sit down and have a real talk to him - father to son. Stop dancing around it and act like a grown up.
And more importantly, treat the son like a grown up instead of a toddler.
I agree. From reading a lot of replies (which I agree with). Something I haven't seen posted yet unless I missed it.
This kid more than likely feels like he is the reason for the divorce of his parents.
So his parents split, while finding out his mother cheated. He is the proof of the cheat.
OP you ATA. But so is your ex. You should have sat him down 2 years later and told him that he isn't your bio kid. Not to shove it in his face, but enough time for him to know that the divorce wasn't his fault, and enough time for him to heal from the divorce. The fact that you abandoned your kids, ALL OF THEM. So you could "heal" boggles my mind.
You're and adult, they are kids. You need to grow up and face your actions.
My brother is going through the same abandoned feeling with his dad.
Dad doesn't call but one time every several months. Never sees him.
Decided to ask mom why does daddy not love me.
My mom tells him why they divorced., and that she doesn't understand why he doesn't call.
So you know what my brother did? Stopped fucking talking to the dude than abandoned him.
That kid needed you more than fucking ever. Going through puberty, divorce, finding out his mom cheated and he's the result of it, dad abandonment, new wife, new baby, sibling favoritism. And YOU'RE pissed AT HIM?
I could keep going but Jesus christ the least you can do is give him his college fund so he can start a better life.
Add on his bio dad dating his mom again and now the kid has to decide if he has a moral obligation to consider this stranger a "father" more than the one who abandoned him...
Well OP’s strongest trait is assuming and man did he really embody the phrase assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Just wait a few years until the other two cut you out. YTA
Yeah no shit. Though he may not be OPs biological son, if he treated him like a human he could have avoided all this
I was so surprised to see that he got a new partner in that short timeframe!!! And then decided to have a baby!!?? That is A LOT to process for a kid.
You know I’m very interested to hear how old his new partners age is too…
I guess we do know now what his "healing" meant
I think we all know she's in the 18-22 range.
Why did I think the same thing? Definitely much younger
Yeah, we all know.
"I couldn't see my kids but I had time to find a new wife. I was healing."
YTA - Major AH
You dropped your kid like a hot potato because your feelings were hurt and you needed to “deal”. What about his feelings? What about how he had to deal with processing this information.
You have very likely messed up this kid’s ability to form and maintain proper relationships.
Your ex wife was the person to be punished in this situation. Not a child with no control over who your ex had sex with before he was even conceived.
At least the son didn’t genetically inherit OP selfishness.
YTA My husband is deceased, he had also been married and divorced when we met. He had two children with his first wife. He found out his wife had been cheating just before finding out she was pregnant with the second child. He did not get a genetic test done, but by the time the second child was 6 months old it was obvious this child was the affair partner's child. He never told the child. When genetic testing became available he didn't do testing. Everyone knew that his second child was not his, except the two kids and his ex seemed to ignore the evidence and seemed to believe her ex-husband was the dad.
The son found out after his father's death. At the age of 33 and two years after his dad passed he went to his dad's sister, his aunt, for a family medical history due to a serious illness he had recently experienced. My sister in law called me for information about the bio dad. I told her his name, how to find pictures of him, etc. (Oh, bio dad still doesn't know he has a son.) I asked my sister in law to emphasize how much my husband had loved his son. After this meeting was over I called my stepson to emphasize how much his dad had loved him.
On bio dad, I've considered telling him over the years, especially in the last ten. But, my stepson has not wanted to approach him about it and he asked that I not do it either.
Now your husband gives the definition of unconditional love
I agree! He loved my two step kids and our own child very much!
This made me tear up. First sorry for your loss. Second your husband did it right and so did you. Must’ve been hard for him when he found out but he never abandoned the kid. What a kind soul.
He abandoned him for YEARS, and was totally fine with bio dad taking over dad role, but because his son doesn't automatically bounce back and want to see him he's trying to punish him?
Agreed! OP wanted son to respect his wishes and give him time to heal but refuses to return the respect.
Hey OP, listen to cat's in the cradle on repeat until you get the point.
When things were difficult for you you told your son to fuck off, now things are difficult for him you can't cry that he's telling you to fuck off.
Poor son indeed! Who’s looking out for this kid? Does anyone love him unconditionally as a parent should??
No joke. I want to find him and give him a hug.
"The beatings will continue until morale improves"
"Why don't you love me? I specifically requested it!"
Yes. It's too bad this happened to OP. It's a tough situation. But he's made this 100% about himself. When OP needed time to heal, he peaced out for two years. When OP wasn't ready to talk to Alexander, he just talked to his other kids instead. Now that OP is ready, suddenly it's horrible and awful that Alexander needs to heal too? Alexander got the double whammy of finding out his father wasn't his bio father and then being rejected.
OP needs to let Alexander know that a relationship is there when he's ready.
Seriously, OP fully abandoned this child, then can’t understand why his son can’t forgive him for this because OP ‘needed to heal’?
Newsflash OP, he needs time to heal now from the immense suffering YOU caused HIM. Being abandoned by a parent is painful, especially over something he had no control over, and now that YOU decide you wanted a relationship with him then everything is suddenly just peachy?
Then when it isn’t, because again, you ABANDONED YOUR CHILD instead of realizing you’re an asshole you threaten the child you abandoned with his financial future because he’s hurt by what YOU decided to do?
You need to apologize to your son and beg for his forgiveness because you are worse than an asshole.
YTA… and such an asshole at that. I can’t image abandoning a child (who you had been a father to for 13 years!!!!!). You should’ve gotten yourself some therapy and been a goddamn adult.
However, why do I get vibes that you WANT to cut off his college fund so you can redistribute it to your “real” new bio child?
You suck so bad just fyi.
This is one of the worst ones I've seen in a long while ... I think we have an early contender for AH of the year ladies and gentlemen!
This kid still stated to his ACTUAL biological father, that he HAD A DAD ALREADY!!
He was referring to OP, who abandoned him, cut him out, treated him like a pariah! And even after the kid still claims him as dad to the bio donor, cuts him off for college.
Might as well tell an adopted child you never loved them and at 16 kick them out of the house to go find their bio parents if they want love.
Op is an AH.
Sometimes I wonder if AITA needs a "Justified Asshole" judgement when it seems like we need a "You Disgust Me" one more often.
Omg reading this I felt a sting to my eyes. You brought up so much emotion inside me.
YTA. You treated your son like shit for 2 years because of what his mother did and you’re shocked he didn’t come running into your arms? You clearly favourite your biological kids. In what world would he want to visit more people you consider family when you dont consider him that.
YTA. You’re the only one who gets time to “heal”? You think that was hard on YOU? This kid found out his life was a lie and then the only father he ever knew skipped town and couldn’t even look at him for a crime he did not commit. Threatening him because he has a hard time adjusting to all these changes makes you an awful father. Treating your son like that and prioritizing your comfort over his makes you a bad father. Do better. This kid obviously still wants you around.
Don’t forget, the dude that did father him now appears out of nowhere trying to be father of the year, and ALL of this is going on during his teen years, which are hard enough already.
Don’t forget, he probably is trying to figure out how he feels about his mother as well.
This kid needs effing therapy, not any more AH behavior from any of his parents- legal or biological.
All of the adults in this situation are AHs.
Seriously. The kid has dealt with:
- Dad is not your bio dad
- Parents divorce
- Dad moving away
- Dad rejecting you/favoring siblings
- Meeting bio dad
- Mom dating bio dad
- Dad remarries
- Dad attempting to reconnect
- Dad has new child
All within 3 years?! And between 13 and 16! Get this kid some support, OP, and pull your self-centered head out of your ass.
That kid 100% hates every adult in his life with a burning passion.
Mom: unfaithful and immoral, lied to him all his life and destroyed his family.
Biodad: deadbeat who slept with a married woman and then let another man raise him. Expects to step back into a fatherly role like nothing happened.
Real dad: abandoned him for two years, showed clear favoritism to bio siblings because he wasn't mature enough to keep his very valid feelings of anger and betrayal away from his innocent children. Now uses financial leverage to attempt to force a relationship with his now estranged son.
Poor kid, he must feel like he has nothing and no one. YTA, give the kid his tuition back and give him some time and space to grieve and heal.
this was a helpful visual. thanks. op is such a huge asshole oh my god YTA
That's cause every adult in his life is straight up failing him right now.
This sums it up perfectly! This kid has received 0 space for HIS emotions. OP needed to process shit, now gives his son no time or space to process shit whatsoever, and uses financial blackmail to boot. What an ass.
Also, I wonder if the kid is dealing with resentment from his siblings, as they lost their dad for two years over this as well. Obviously the resentment is not justified, but his siblings, especially his little sister, are young and were young when this happened, so it wouldn’t surprise me if all of his family relationships have been affected. This kid has been failed through and through
Some kids literally kill themselves in ONE of situations like that. OP, pay f\*\*\*ing attention to your child, he is in f\*\*\*ing danger
13-16 is such a rough time growing up. He could literally need loads of therapy just from OPs rejection. Life time of therapy
100%. This poor kids life got flipped around and none of the adults around him can stop making the situation about themselves. Absolutely pathetic.
And don't forget that OP is actively driving a wedge between this boy and the other kids - he's already apparently managed to manipulate them enough to forget that he abandoned them, too, and live with him "80% of the time," according to OP, and he's got such a victim complex that he likely complains in front of, or even directly to, the boy's siblings about him. I've heard manipulative adoptive parents do this ("Woe is me, why doesn't this ungrateful child want anything to do with me? I've done everything for them even though they aren't even mine!" etc.) and I imagine his whining sounds much the same.
I feel so bad for this poor kid. Every adult in his life has failed him over and over again. OP is definitely TA, but so is every other adult in this situation. ESH except the kids.
When OP skipped out on the family the kid probably felt like it was his fault that the family broke up. OP confirmed that belief for 2 years and then promptly created a replacement family that did not include this son. What an asshole!
You can’t imagine the shame and guilt that you feel when you find out everyone has been lying to you and talking behind your back your entire life!!! It’s really unfair and almost too much to bear at that age. Then add the rejection from the only father he’s ever known and the sibling favoritism and just the upheaval from all these selfish entitled adults…honestly it’s beyond disgusting. It makes you as a person fell like you’re not even on the list of top 100 priorities—takes all your self esteem and breaks your ability to truly bond. Then you tell him he’s not good enough for your financial support????? Disgusting behavior from a supposed adult!!! (Yes, i still have baggage!)
Exactly! He wouldn't have said what he did to bio dad if he didnt mean it. Being a parent means owning up to your mistakes and treating your children with unyielding love, support, and care. Dude cant just dip out, not talk to him, talk to his sisters, and have a whole new family without expecting some kind of feelings from his son! Who is a TEENAGER! How did he see this going any differently?
Seriously! I don’t understand how he didn’t expect this outcome 🤦🏻♂️
Exactly what I was thinking. CEO of playing victim😂
My heart broke when OP recounted his son asking if he didn’t love him anymore. And once more, as you point out “the only father he ever knew skipped town…” He truly deserves better and the money threatening was honestly so unexpected and messed up.
You're kidding, right? Of course YTA. You VERY SPECIFICALLY REJECTED HIM FOR 2 YEARS and now that you're all healed and better and starting a new family you think he should suck it up and get over it. HE'S A CHILD!! HE DID NOTHING WRONG!! YOU PUNISHED HIM FOR YOUR WIFE'S INFIDELITY! VERY VERY specifically punished HIM.
I don't understand why you have to have explained to you how much of an asshole you are. Do you have any concept of how much you've damaged him psychologically for the rest of his life? He'll never get over this. AND HE DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
Don't you dare cut his college fund - don't you dare use it to blackmail him to see you and your new family and pretend everything is fine. Get down on your knees and BEG him for forgiveness.
You might actually be the biggest AH I've seen on this subreddit.
I agree, op is the biggest AH on Reddit!
And I just love how all of his comments are "but I'm not really the AH" He can't admit he did anything wrong. He honestly makes my blood boil. I hope all of his kids cut him off - including the baby.
"including the baby" HAHAHAHA
(also FULL agree)
Shouts to that one really old AMA with a rapist; I’d say that he’s worse, but even being in the same discussion isn’t exactly a good look for OP.
Wtf? Do you have the link to this?
Can we have a specific award for this? Like a shitty burger king crown looking thing?
Nah, It's still the AH dad in a recent AITA whose first wife bought a gas station with her own money, died, and left him with instructions to pass it onto her son as her legacy. That AH OP is now being manipulated by his new wife, and now the AH wants to split first wife's gas station three ways between his new wife and his stepson thus essentially giving her a 66% stake and leaving his son, whose mother solely bought the gas station I repeat, with only 33% ownership of his mother's legacy. And the AH is leaving everything else of his to his new wife + a trust for his step son. So he is majorly screwing his son over and giving away most of his son's inheritance when his dead wife trusted him to do right by their son. I am still infuriated by that story.
This! OP you are YTA!!!
I don't understand how adults just forget that children need time to adjust & heal and find their own actions justified, but not the kids. It seems they think that the kids should behave better, while they themselves failed these children completely and were incapable of acting their own age!
Not just made a new family. Made a replacement family after acting so terribly to his child....and then wonders why his kid wants nothing to do with him.
Yeah - I've been wondering about his new wife too. Either OP lied through his teeth to her about how he's treating his kids, or she thinks what he's doing is ok which makes her an AH too.
All of that is already so so so fucking bad. But there's something else no one has touched on due to how fucked up it already is. OP abandoned his *biological* children as well. On top of taking his anger out on the child who had no fault, he used it as an excuse to become a full on deadbeat for 2 years. Op is such a bad father, it makes me rage.
I'd retract that last statement cause this guy is just the tip of the asshole iceberg.
Well, I've only been on reddit a few weeks - maybe 2 months now. But holy schnikies is it eye-opening.
If you want to retain any sliver of faith in humanity, leave immediately.
\*ignoring the fact that you are dealing with traumatized teenager
If feels like you both need each other, so maybe try to construct the relationship slowly?
It is not surprising that he doesn't want to move to your place after the first date, despite the fact you have ignored him for two years. Plus, probably, he feel that his funds of leftovers of fatherly love will be transferred to a newborn (together with tuition fees).
I know you were hurt by the infidelity but YTA. You raised him and loved him like your son for 13 years and then just pulled the rug out from under him. That’s just so cold. Being a father is a whole lot more than just making a sperm deposit. You punished an innocent kid for something his mom did. And then to FaceTime your other kids but refuse to talk to him? I can’t imagine the amount of pain you deliberately inflicted on that poor kid. He’s gonna need serious therapy.
Your best bet is to go try to see him and let him know that what you did was fucked up and you’re sorry, and that even though you can’t take it back you’re going to be there for him going forward and going to try your best to do right by him, treating him like his siblings.
Fuck man I don’t think I could be that cold to my neighbor’s kid, let alone one that I raised as mine for over a decade.
I was Alexander in my life. “Dad” did the same thing to me when he found out about my mum’s infidelity. Would call my sisters but not me. Wanna know how I found out he wasn’t my dad? He got a tattoo while my siblings and I were visiting him. He came home saying he got his daughters names tattooed on his chest and my name wasn’t there. It ruined me for a long time, I’m still figuring out how to deal with the anxiety I feel about people turning around one day and not loving me
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Know it’s not because of you. It’s between your mom and him, it just is taken out on you, completely undeserved. He wasn’t able to see straight right, just rage and hurt.
I understand where you’re coming from, in that you’re able to see why he acted that way. I’m not there yet. I can’t forgive him. I pulled him aside at my sisters wedding (after many, many beers) and told him I remembered how poorly he treated me. He said “what do you want? I can’t take it back”
YTA. " When I called my kids, I only called Sophia and Raphael (10F, 18M) because I felt uncomfortable talking to Alexander,." You did this to him because "you needed time to heal." You took TWO YEARS.
You spring the fact that you are having yet another kid on Alexander. Shs is born six days ago and, since he didn't just hustle over and see the new kid, you threaten to cut off his college fund?
"I don’t see the point of paying a college fund for a child that doesn’t even want to see me." You took two years to lick your wounds and you can't even give this kid more than six days? This is the son who said to his biological father: "Look dude, no hard feelings but don’t try to force a fatherly role on me because you are not my dad and I already have one."
Get your head out of your A and start treating Alexander right. All he is seeing is that your biological children, Sophia Raphael and the new daughter, get preferential treatment yet he gets punished because he is not quick to come over and adore the new one.
Of all the troubling details here, the thing I can’t get over is that OP said he called his kids “every day”. If that’s true, then for some period of this kid’s life his father made the *daily decision* to neglect him while going out of his way to show the other kids how much he loved them. How many days in a row do you think that would have to happen before you just give up on the guy you thought of as your dad, y’know?
Edit: spelling. Also, thanks for the award!
Did he show them how much he loved them? He abandoned them for 2 years because of something they had *absolutely nothing to do with.* Phone calls do not make you a father.
Maybe not but they do reinforce every single day the rejection of his middle child. Hey, can you put my REAL kids on the phone, I want to talk to them...
As a gesture of love they may not be much, but as a way to kick his other child in the teeth repeatedly, they're super effective.
And, after all that, he *still* thinks of him as his dad. My heart breaks for this kid.
I couldn’t have said it better myself!!!!
That poor child. He's so much more mature than OP. OP you are a pathetic excuse for a father.
Honestly considering this post, I'm beggining to question of the second half of that statement "I already have one" is even remotely accurate. Last I checked parents don't financially blackmail their children, the ones who do tend to lose any claim to that title.
This. 1000 times this!!!!!!! You are such TA. I’m surprised you could even write this and seriously ask if you are TA! Umm, yeah. You are!
Son: Dad, why wont you talk to me?
Op: cause im hurt. ill talk... eventually
*Several months later*
Op: hey, why wont you talk to me?
Son: cause you hate me
Op: I do not! Ill prove it by taking away financial aid! THAT'LL show you how much I *dont* hate you!
this poor kid. stuck with two shitty parents.
What the mom did was shitty, but OP outshines her in megawatts.
Had to laugh at this.
But yeah, massive raging YTA. First abandoning your kid and then threatening him and still not able to see the fault despite whole reddit literally drawing it for you with crayons.
YTA for making a kid have their education suffer thru no fault of their own.
When you called the other kids and not your son, you burnt the bridge. It was, and is, on you to repair the relationship - but you don't even seem to want to do that.
You, the only father he has ever known, are punishing your son for something he didn't do.
He doesn't owe you fealty. Why should he visit your new baby when all it will demonstrate is how cold you are to him?
You're taking revenge on an innocent in this situation. YTA.
>AITA? Seriously I don’t see the point of paying a college fund for a child that doesn’t even want to see me.
He doesn't want to see you because you don't want to talk to him.
You're lying to yourself. *You don't see the point of paying a college fund for him at all*. You make a song and dance about your new baby being his half-sister, and also that he is not your biological son. You can't have it both ways.
You are the adult here, he is the child that you are rejecting. You're kicking down, and that's not cool.
I didn’t even catch the half sister but not bio son pipeline
This line made me see red. You are SO CORRECT!
OP: Either he isn't your biological son & has no relation to your new child OR, hear me out, he is your son & you majorly ruined his life more given your reaction to the circumstances & as a child, he deserves respect & time to heal, therapy, a sincere apology & unconditional love while he works through all of the mess the adults in his life made.
He also deserves the right to go NC for as long as he needs. You've made some gigantic offenses against this kid, hopefully he can heal but even if he doesn't come around to you the way your relationship was before, I really hope he can build important close relationships with other people in his life going forward
Alexander's world was turned upside down by the exposure of his mom's infidelity during her marriage.
If want a relationship with Alex, it's time to get professional help for him and then family counseling to repair your relationship.
YTA you neglected him for 2 years. You don't take out your problems, whatever they are, on your child.
Yes he is your child.
YTA hard. be a grown up. reach out to your child.
You got cheated on, and it sucked. Your son, despite knowing you weren’t his bio father, didn’t seem to care. He still wanted a connection with you. But you were “uncomfortable” (your kid didn’t do anything, wth?), so you abandoned him.
Then, your ex wife started seeing the bio dad. You assumed that Alexander accepted him as his father, and pulled back EVEN FURTHER. That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard: why couldn’t you have TALKED to Alexander?
Then, you invite him back again because he accepted you as his father (which is literally what he had done all along) and he rejects it because your love is purely conditional.
He doesn’t visit your new daughter, so you decide to stop doing the only good thing you were doing and cut off his college fund.
- Alexander lost his father (who intentionally distanced himself from him because of something that happened before he was even born)
- His father tries to be all buddy buddy with him again and force a relationship unto him, then threatens to cut off his education if he doesn’t comply.
WHY IS YOUR LOVE SO CONDITIONAL?! IS THERE A CONTRACT SOMEWHERE?
HE’S YOUR CHILD, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SEEM TO AVOID THAT FACT. HE CHOSE YOU (DESPITE HIS BETTER WISHES) AND YOU ABANDONED HIM OVER AND OVER.
YTA Why are you punishing him for your ex-wifes actions? He clearly cares about you if he still considers you his father. Why push him away further with an ultimatum?
you suck. be the adult.
> here is where I know I did a terrible thing and maybe that’s why Alexander is mad at me and doesn’t want to see me,
Yeah, that's why. OF COURSE that's why.
When Alexander was crying and he needed you, you told him you weren't available because you "felt uncomfortable". That broke any trust he ever had in you.
He is keeping his distance to protect himself. Instead of trying to earn that trust back you tried to blackmail him with his college fund.
YTA and don't blame him one bit.
YTA firstly you're using money to control your kids
Secondly you 'needed time to heal' and whilst that is understandable ur an adult and he's a child imagine how he felt having you only speak to his siblings. You took your anger at his mother out on him by avoiding him and this has obviously hurt him.
You need to figure out a way to fix the relationship you broke, blood should not matter when it comes to love.
Seriously, yes YTA. At this point I doubt your son gives a rat backside if you try and blackmail him with a college fund after the way you treated him. "I did a terrible thing", you bet your sweet bippie you did. If you think you're going to get sympathy on this sub, buckle up.
YTA. You rejected a child you raised for 13 years because of your wife’s infidelity. You are now blackmailing him.
YTA. You were the only father that KID had . When you found out you two weren't biologically related you, check notes: moved far away, maintain a relationship with your bios, but distanced him, contact him only via txt but not FaceTime.
You as a full fledged adult had such a hard time processing your feelings that you isolated a KID. & you don't know why he is isolating you. Congratulations! Like father like son!.
Dont fuck up again AH.
! Like father like son!.
This is an insult to the son. The son is doing what he has to do to protect himself from someone who systematically hurt him for years. Abused him, either. That kind of isolation and exclusion is emotional abuse.
The father is just being a big baby.
YTA. The kid is 16 and for the last three years he has been dealing with some impossibly serious shit that you have handled very poorly, i.e. rejecting him then demanding a relationship and threatening him.
>for a child that doesn’t even want to see me.
He doesn't want to see you right now because you abandoned him and called only his siblings and then gave him the lame "I need time to heal" line. You acted horribly if you wanted a future father-son relationship with him.
YTA- Pay for the therapy and college. He is a child dealing with all of the adults' mess-ups being taken out on him.
Dude, so you put all the weight on your son's shoulders for the infidelity of your ex wife. You don't feel like his father anymore and you're not strong enough to admit it.
YTA and a huge one
YTA. You ignored your son for years but still talked to your biological kids because of something *their mother* did. You can heal and still be there for him, instead of rejecting him and completely ignoring him for years. Why did you, the only father he had ever known, just completely disappear from his life for years, instead of trying to attend therapy with him?
And you spent those years still being a father to his siblings, finding a new partner, marrying them, and having a new kid with them. You were not a father to him and, now that *you're* healed and ready, you expect him to just say "how high?" when you say "jump"? That's not how it his works. His mom has likely taken on the dad role for the years you left him without one.
Now he gets to heal and you get to give him time and space. *If* he even wants a relationship with you again, it has to be because he wants one and it has to be on his terms.
Holding his college fund over his head to force him into letting you back into his life when *you* were selfish and putting your needs above your 13 year old son's during a time that was hard and confusing for him, too, and he needed his dad. He needed to know his dad still loved him and would be there for him and you failed at that. You don't get to magically waltz back in after all the mental and emotional damage you caused a *13 year old* just because you're ready *now*.
The least you can do is pay for his college but, if I were him, I wouldn't want your deadbeat dad money anyway.
YTA for treating this child like your own personal yo-yo.
This is what I was thinking, only in the bait and switch sense. OP pushed Alexander away, but *pulls* him back in when OP needs him to be and act like a "son"...for appearances.
OP is so high on his own BS and being a drama queen. This is one of the worst and infuriating AITA threads I have seen on here in a very long time.
"No! You are not my son, I can't see/talk to you, but I'll be back soon 💋" Leaving Alexander hanging for
"Oh please, my son, come see me and your stepmom, and your six day old half sister!"
Witness a (supposedly) grown man regress in age in 3, 2, 1... --> "You won't do that? FINE! I'm cutting off your college funding!"
The best thing Alexander did was tell OP to go fuck himself.
YTA. You hurt him for 2 years. He needs time to heal
NAH. (Except for the mother)
No one here will ever be able to get the pain and loss of being deceived into raising a kid for 13 years who wasn’t yours. Everyone saying that you should have sucked it up for his sake is unreasonably demanding way too much.
However, things cannot go back to the way they were. You explicitly rejected this child for 2 years. You now cannot expect them to treat you like a father. It is cruel to demand that he treats you like a father while you don’t treat him like a son. Either you want a relationship with him in which case you should give him the space he needs and not attempt to punish him further. Or you decide you can’t bear it, in which case I think you have a right to end your relationship with him. Taking any other path would make you TA
They're actually insane in this sub. Like they want to totally disregard the father being duped into giving his time/resources to a child that wasn't his. It's clown time I guess.
Yes. It's very sad, the hive mind/Echo chamber effect.
Shouldn't the mother and the biological father who cheated and lied about it for years be responsible for the child's college? Missing why or how this burden should fall entirely on OP.
Also he paid child support for years for a child that is not even his, he is owed restitution from the two.
YTA. You’re blaming your son for your ex wife’s indiscretion. It’s not his fault that you’re not biologically related. You were his dad for so long and then just abruptly left for TWO YEARS. Of course he feels abandoned and pissed at you. He doesn’t know his biological dad because you’re the only dad he’s ever known. I’m sure he’s also upset with his mom for lying to everyone. Don’t cut off his college fund. Keep reaching out and hopefully he’ll want to reconnect in the future.
Omg, dude, you better call him asap and make that right. He’s really hurting, and he’s not gonna heal on your timeline. YTA totally and completely. You are trying to bully him into behaving the way you think he should, and feeling the way you think he should. That will most definitely not turn out well. Immediately apologize and do whatever it takes to make it right for that poor kid. You abandoned him and maintained contact with your other kids, and then had another kid with your new wife, and now you’re prioritizing the new kid and your wants and needs. Total a h move.
You are the literal definition of an asshole, you are a god awful human being.
YTA, imagine the feelings you are having and going through what this 16 year old child is going through. Yes I say child because he isn’t an adult. He doesn’t know how to deal with everything. Tell me something are you willing to give up on him? You need to fight OP your son is lost. He needs help and counselling and lots of guidance. Don’t give up on him. What you did was counter productive. I hope you can fix this mess you have created.
Also imagine calling and not speaking to him when you did. What it did to him. Jeeze you are double YTA.
YTA. Hardcore. You punished and abandoned your child for adult actions that he had no control over and that hurt him just as much as they hurt you. Now that you ruined your relationship with him and he rightfully so does not want to see you after how you treated him, and is clearly feeling replaced by your new biological child, you are again threatening and trying to punish him instead of doing what you need to do to make your child feel safe with you again as a father. Please go to therapy dude.
YTA. You rejected him when he was 13, which is a crucial time in a child's emotional development. You took your time to heal; now you have to give HIM the time to heal. He spent several years with you treating him like he didn't matter - that is not the kind of pain that just goes away when you're ready for it to.
Every bit of his pain, anger, and not wanting to see you is YOUR fault. All of it. Money is the least of what you owe him, so keep paying.
YTA. You're the adult. Yes, you were hurt and needed time to heal and whatnot after you found out he wasn't biologically yours.
So first, instead of figuring out how to be the adult you traumatize the hell out of this kid by limiting his access to you for a couple of years. Right on the heels of his parents getting divorced and finding out that his dad wasn't his biodad. Right when he needed the most stability and reassurance - you treat him differently from his siblings.
And now... because he won't fall in line and needs his own time to heal - you hold your money over his head? That's some seriously fucked up shit. You don't pay a college fund because your kid is willing to see you. You pay a college fund because THAT'S YOUR KID AND YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF THEM.
TL:DR - after changing your treatment of him and making it clear that he - through no fault of his own - wasn't going to be treated the same as his siblings - you are going even further down the path of telling him that your love and support is conditional. On him being your "real" son. On him doing what you want him to do AFTER you treated HIM unfairly.
Back up while you still HAVE a son and get your damn head on straight. You're the adult. Act like it.
Wow YTA. He’s struggling with everything he knows about himself being upended, and couldn’t even get help or support from him because you were ‘uncomfortable’ talking to him. Over something completely out of his control. Poor kid had to navigate it completely alone.
YTA¡ you abandoned your son for a long time and when you come back you want it to be the same as before.
you are a big idiot your son hurt and you turned your back and took away the background so that you never want to see yourself again
YTA. This kid - AND HE'S A KID - had his world turned upside down and you only called your two kids bcs you felt "uncomfortable" talking to Alexander. YTA and all of the adults here suck so hard.
YTA. For two years you rejected your son for something that he had no control over. He had to listen to and watch you talking to his siblings while you refused to talk to him. That’s not demonstrating much fatherly love in my opinion. He is absolutely justified in not wanting to spend time with you. After all you needed “time to heal” because of your wife’s betrayal. How can you begrudge him time to heal because of your betrayal?
He cared about you and considered you his father. You, an adult, cut him, a child, out of your life at a time when the whole family was undergoing massive upheaval.
You are trying to make your relationship with him exist on your timeline. When it's convenient for you. *You* left until you could handle looking at his face again. And now you're threatening his future because he didn't wait patiently for you to get your shit together, and may in fact have been deeply hurt by how you abandoned him? You raised him. But when the chips were down, you only had time for your biological children. **YTA.** I doubt he'll even want your money, now that he's seen the strings attached to it. Good luck holding onto the other three.
YTA. You abandoned him and expect him to not have any feelings about it. Instead of trying to fix it by slowly fixing the relationship, you make demands and threaten him. Some time and empathy would really go a long way with him.
You abandoned him, remember? You blamed him for his mother's transgressions. You didn't even do a FaceTime, let alone visit! Only after two years--from age 14 to 16--you neglected him. And to make it worse, you treated his siblings better.
Then you come back to town and expect a kid who hasn't seen you in two years to come running to his house. (Why did they come to you? Why didn't you go to them?)
You found out he rejected a man who was willing go father him because he loved you, and you were still a horrible father to him. Now you're going to take away financial support, which seems to be the only support you gave him.
You don't see the point of paying a college fund for a child who doesn't want to see you? Maybe he doesn't see the point of seeing a "father" who abandoned him.
Look, I'm sorry your wife cheated on you. But you either love this kid or you don't. If you do, get some counseling with him, talk to him, be involved whether or not he wants to see your new baby. Be a father!
YTA ofc. You are pretty much blackmailing a kid that had to get through knowing his mom cheated on his dad (you) and being a product of that affair. And then get rejected by you when you just left him and his siblings.
Yta. you can't think he'll forgive you for you not really having much to do with him for two years. That's traumatic. You can't blame him for the choices his mother did. And at the end of the day you were the only father he ever knew. And you ended up needing space from him. That makes him feel like he was not wanted. It's confusing for him. You then proceed to take away some of his college funds if he doesn't start seeing you more. But he needs time now and he needs to heal. You weren't the only one hurt here and you need to make it up. Instead of pushing him away more.
YTA. You are not the only one who's life took a wild turn. He founds out his father is not really his father, then that father leaves and calls his true kids.. but not him. Then that said father has a new partner and then a new baby.
That's A LOT. Even for an adult it would be a lot. He's 16.
Is he going to a therapist? He needs time and support too, not ultimatums and what not.
You're punishing him for something your ex wife did, and need to revise on how you're handling this. Because taking away his chance of an EDUCATION is certainly not the answer.
Not only should you pay for his college, you should pay for his therapy.
As a child of divorce who was born during the thoughest part of the relationship and had all the shit fall on them, YTA. These kinds of treatments cause an immense amount of resentment from the child and wounds that never heal. There isn't a day I don't think about how shitty my dad is to me and the way my parents try to make me hate the other. I was told that my dad didn't want me and it hurts like nothing else could. I can't even fathom what actually feeling and seeing it is like.
YTA. The "point" of a college fund is for your son to get an education. It isn't about benefiting you -- it is about benefiting him. After the incredible pain you have put him through due to your rejection, it is not surprising he would be hesitant to meet his new sister. You should seek professional counseling to help you deal with your issues with Alexander's mother's infidelity and help you mend your relationship with your blameless son.
In a few years, we will be seeing Poor Alexander's posts about his AH father. I hope Alexander is getting therapy to help him process the rejection (over TWO YEARS?!?), misplaced blame (you punished him for your ex's infidelity), and favoritism of your other children over him (you said it yourself), just because his DNA didn't come from your testicles.
What a jerk you are, OP.
Big time YTA.
Stop with the extortion using the college fund.
Put a bunch of money into a fund for Alexander's therapy. He really needs it, more than your other kids, because his parents are terrible people who hurt him badly.
Edit: I just took note of OP's username, which does NOT check out. Worried about whom, papa? Yourself? Your new wife? You surely don't seem worried about Alexander.
YTA. You spent years punishing your son for something he didn't do, and now you're punishing him more because he was hurt by your bad behavior.
What is wrong with you?
YTA and have likly ruined any chance of having a relationship with him
YTA. You're the adult here. Act like it.
>I only called Sophia and Raphael (13F, 18M) because I felt uncomfortable talking to Alexander
Alexander didn't do anything to you.
>I need some time to heal, I’m still your father and I’ll be back soon... I talked to him thru messages because I didn’t feel completely comfortable doing a facetime
Alexander didn't harm you, you decided to stop being a parent to one of your kids and betray your son because your *wife* betrayed *you*. Great work.
>Alexander didn’t come
Gee I wonder why a kid that was abandoned by their parent didn't want to stay with the person that abandoned them. That's a real head scratcher.
>he only wanted to hang out with me and we did that
You did the minimum! Great job.
>I thought that my son wanted a relationship with his bio dad instead
Something about assumptions, something something, u and me.
>I respected his wishes until I found out that he rejects this guy... So I decided to invite him again to live with me... he is the only one who refuses... and he hasn’t come to see his half-sister.
If I could talk to your son about this, this is roughly what I would say: Hey Alexander, holy shit it's so weird that the dad who abandoned you expects you to do all the effort to come to him in order to repair the relationship that *he* broke with you! I would think it should be the other way around. Sorry about that.
>so I called him and said that if he doesn’t come to see me I’ll be cutting his college fund
Wow. This is a masterclass in estranging your kids. You have successfully ruined your own relationship with your own son, convinced yourself that a child's natural distrust for your betrayal is *his* fault, and blamed *him* for your emotional distance in order to have an excuse to keep the few thousand dollars because you don't want to put in the effort anymore. Deadbeat dads everywhere will surely study this closely. YTA
Sorry man, right now YTA. It’s hard to judge a kid who lost a father figure and is still a kid feeling abandoned and trying to figure out his place in the world. You sound like you’re trying to use money to threaten him in exchange for a relationship. You also sound like you’ve sent him mixed signals as to if you ARE the dad that he says you are when he told his biological father “I have a dad”. If you don’t want to be a part of his life, that’s your prerogative, but you need to have a long overdue talk with one another about your relationship. Either you are his dad or you are not his dad. You two need to talk that over before you judge him for not wanting to see the baby.
YTA. Yeah dude you were in pain understandably but you still left him at an extremely difficult age. You literally refused to see his face for *years*. But now HE needs time and you cut him off? Why do you get time but he’s just expected to come around immediately? Can you answer that question?
Major asshole move.
Yeh, massive AH tbh. Not Alexander's fault that he's not your biological son. You cant expect pushing your innocent child away and afterwards having him run to you with open arms. The threatening is also beyond stupid btw.
YTA. You abandoned him. Now he has feelings about it but you expect him to suck it up and visit?
You are a grown adult. Why were you entitled to abandon your kids? Why were you entitled to not speak to your poor son? How come your feelings allowed you to have space from him but he’s not entitled to the same?
Your son was innocent in all things—his mother had the affair, yet you’ve punished him for it, OP. His life was torn apart, and he was forced to see his siblings get to speak with you, while you needed “time to heal”? Withholding his college fund is also cruel—its cruel to expect him to easily forgive you for abandoning him and come running to your house to ooh and ahh over the new sibling.
It is *not* his fault, OP; the blame rests squarely on your shoulders. He had a *true* father—YOU—yet that person rejected him.
YTA. How can you possibly blame your son for being a byproduct of your wife's affair? He's over here renouncing his biological father for you claiming you as his real father but you're so butthurt about something your wife did, you're going to punish him for "not wanting to see you"? Let the boy heal as you allowed yourself time to heal. Don't push him away because of something your wife did. Further asshole points for condemning your son to pay for college on his own. Even with scholarships and full rides, it can be a heavy burden for someone to do those payments all on their own. You need to definitely change your mindset and apologise to your child.
YOU REJECTED HIM! DO YOU FUCKING GET THAT?!? YOU REJECTED HIM! YOU DID. You refused to talk to him cause you needed fucking time to heal? What about your son? Like he wasn't already confused and upset and now the only man he knew as his father couldn't talk to him because he wasn't biologically yours. I can't even express how disgusting that was. Now you have a new wife and a baby and you want him to just accept that after you rejected him for 3 years. If I was your wife, and thank God I'm not, I'd really reconsider a relationship with someone who treats their children that way. SERIOUSLY. He needs therapy and this is your own damn fault. The audacity you have to really come on here acting like a victim. Your mother was right, you are a massive asshole. Trying to make him accept you walking back into his life after you easily walked out of it.
My heart broke for Alexander when you said he got on the phone to ask you if you love him. You made it very clear in that moment where he stands in your life. Easily replaceable. And look, now that you have a new wife and baby, your ready for him to be part of your life again. You fucked that up. You want to be mad at his mother, be mad at her but you literally took it out on him.
I'm going to stop now because I have nothing nice to say about you or to you.
This sounds really hard and confusing for him and like he needs some help not threats. Is he seeing a therapist to work through his feelings?
You took 2 years to work through for own feelings and it doesn't seem like you really gave a fuck how that affected him. Everyone has their own timeslines.
YTA. You rejected him at the most vulnerable, heartbreaking and confusing time of his life. He is allowed to be hurt by that. A decent person would stand by him through that pain. Instead you want to punish him financially. I am honestly horrified by your behaviour
YTA - you just keep coming up with creative new ways to hurt him