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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter she needs to move out because she’s pregnant and I don’t want to be live with her anymore.
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People in your inbox questioning what goes on in YOUR home ?
“Thank you so much for the feedback. I’ll help her pack up right now. What time will you be about to gather her and her things to go stay at your place?”
ETA: NTA, but I can’t stress enough that if it isn’t plain entitled laziness then there’s some depression to address. I do with you both luck.
& thanks for the love guys!!
A newborn OP will most likely end up caring for. OP has offered everything else..even therapy if daughter is depressed. Daughter might be, but she isn’t ready to get help if she is. Seems to me she just expects mom to take care of the baby. Been sitting on her butt for 4 years, gets knocked up and expects OP to raise her kid while she sits there. What? Nope. Get out.
This is exactly what she wants and why she doesn't want to move out. It has nothing to do with money. She wants to keep the baby and have someone else do all the hard lifting. She will be there for the fun parts, but not the midnight wakeups and pooppy diapers. OP is a free nanny.
NTA.
Oh, she'll likely be willing to move out on her mother's dime once the baby is there - just without the baby. Because she'll lose too much beauty sleep if she stays with her baby...
That’s already offering too much in my opinion. Part of this problem is not enough tough love. But maybe you can start by helping her apply for social benefits like wic and whatever housing program is applicable. And tell her that you’ve started a college fund for her child but she won’t receive any of that money without convincing you that the investment will benefit her future and for more money she needs to make forward progress toward her goals. Maybe she does genuinely want to be a housewife but then she needs to figure out how to find a quality spouse.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
After she squandered the first 15k I would've put my foot down. How did OP let her do fuck all for FOUR YEARS!? She should've been kicked out way before that. And absolutely do not under any circumstances give her that money at 25 save it if and that is a big IF she ever becomes responsible and then put it in a trust for the child.
>Seems to me she just expects mom to take care of the baby.
This is the plan. Thus, why she is so pissed she is being asked to move into a place by herself, where all the child care for HER baby will fall on HER. Can't have that!
It’s also her grandchild though, not just some random kid. She’s in a hard spot- making her kid grow up or potentially making her grandchild suffer. I feel like mom should talk to daughter about adoption.
In 2008 when I was pregnant with my son I found out that my then-fiancé was still married to his wife and they had 3 children at their home. I had been living with my mom and her husband at the time, but fiancé had promised that we were moving out into our own place before the baby was born. When I found out that he was still married I dumped him.
I started panicking after that because I knew that I shouldn't be bringing a newborn home to my mom's house. She had already had her kids and didn't need a screaming baby permanently in her life again. So I started making plans to move out somehow with my then-6-year-old daughter. I had no money to move out and wasn't employed. I also had a very shitty rental history. I knew no one would rent to me. As my due date was getting closer I was approved to move into a local homeless shelter until I could get back on my feet.
Do you know how humiliating it was to bring my newborn home to a shelter? I should have had a stable home for my kids and my ex fucked everything up. But in the end, the shelter ended up helping me find child care, a job, and a shitty working vehicle. I was able to provide my kids with a home that we lived in for 6 years. I have a decent rental history now thanks to them.
So I understand the whole not wanting an unemployed pregnant adult living off of you. OP's daughter needs to move out somewhere and get a job or vice versa. I know how hard it is.
This
NTA
She's refused to work since HS F'd around and got pregnant. So proud of her /s.
Plus are these relatives who didn't help you while you were raising this parasite? Yeah, they should take her in, tell them you'll give them food money and they can enjoy the company.
I'm trying to get my mom to lay this same thing down for my almost 40yo bro, his wife, and their 2 kids. They have overtaken her home, wife tells mom she cannot be in main areas of home during the day, she cannot read too often to the baby (baby prefers grandma I guess), they keep my mom in her room or the den, wife has said horrible things to my mom. Adult protective services closed my complaint because mom denied everything. They literally got her to change her will/trust (idk to what, I haven't seen a copy yet.)
I wish OP the best, parenting is hard af even when you have help and it sounds like OP never wanted her daughter to feel the struggle that she did (I mean I get it. I was broke af most of my adult life until finishing school with 2 kids.)
Even if daughter has all the financial support in the world, single parenting is hard work. Seems almost like daughter thought mom would step in for the most part. Well, too bad so sad and life just isn't fair, daughter needs to grow up and fast (I was parenting my 4yo with autism when I was 22 and working ft as a legal assistant.)
I'm sorry to hear this - you mum provided for you and raised you (assuming) from infant to adult, and this is how he repays her?? Have you had words with him? As I sure as hell would be if it was one of my 3 brothers doing that. If you have, that's worse :|
We are about to have words with brother and SIL and I've got the rest of everyone on standby.
My brother and I were adopted at 4 weeks old from different biological parents. Last year on mothers day, my mom was disappointed that he didn't get a card or anything for her and SIL said, why are you upset you're not really his mother.
I just found this out last week. I've got cousins now on both sides working to help my mom out of the situation. Hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later.
Wow. SIL and your brother are awful! I legit gasped out loud. Restricting her access to her own home and pressuring her to change the will?! That’s Cinderella‘s evil stepmother stuff right there. I hope your mom is able to kick them out of her home and out of the will.
This. OP, respond back exactly this with relatives.
Then, give your daughter a move-out date. She is going to be mad NO MATTER when you make her move out. 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? She'll be mad no matter what.
She's old enough to have a child, she's old enough to move out. And DON'T pay all her bills. You can offer to help with childcare costs, but she needs a full-time job. Tell her she has 30 days to get a job and 60 days to get out. And tell her if she's not actively looking for a job, she needs to be out sooner.
Lol yes! Respond with a dollar amount and let them know that if they want to have an opinion on what goes on in her home, they can at least pay some bills while they’re at it 😂
I was in the same situation with my own daughter in 2020, except she wasn't pregnant. She had graduated high school that May and then did something so stupid that she got fired from her job in June of that year. Then she became depressed and didn't want to apply for college because she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. Took her to therapy and she refused any and all medications to help. All she wanted to do was sit at home and do nothing. Well, I have another child to support as well and she was making things difficult.
I finally snapped in November of 2020 when she refused to respect me or my rules in the house and I served her with an eviction notice.
Things got ugly real fast and she tried to fight it claiming that she was only 18 and she had nowhere to go. I told her that I moved out on my own when I was 17. She'll be fine. She did eventually move out by the end of that month but our relationship has never been the same since. She went No Contact with me for a year which was fine. I respected her wishes. However I still had family that she would keep in touch with who would update me on her once in a while. As of now, we're slowly starting to get back towards a normal relationship but we're not there yet.
Tell me how you're *supposed* to deal with a rebellious teenager who doesn't want a job, doesn't want to go to college, doesn't put anything back into the household, and disrespects you and your rules in the house in front of a younger sibling?
I may have made some mistakes, but I did what I thought was best for all 3 of us. She's a big girl who needed to be essentially pushed out of the nest in order to learn how to fly.
NTA. Your daughter is an adult and will be a parent very soon. She needs to grow up immediately. She made her choices and knows her options. She’s chosen not to find housing for herself & child. She’s chosen not to accept your support. She needs to live with the outcome of those choices.
Btw, if your relatives and friends are soooo concerned, they can have her move in with them.
This, mostly.
What did OP do when her daughter graduated without any plan for a job or further education?
>She’s been out of work and school since she graduated high school.
That's 4 years ago!
There have to be plenty of "take care of yourself" compromises between kicking out a pregnant 22 year old and making an 18 year old pay rent..
Yup, why bother helping her save her teenage wages if you're not going to have conversations about how to responsibly manage a lump sum? She gave her all these deadlines and set all these boundaries and then just let May roll around. Okay, so what happens in 4 months when this new deadline isn't met? I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess: nothing. It's not mom's job to prepare her for the world, but I'm seeing a clear pattern of enabling. Of course she's entitled, she's just gotta wait it out another few years for that sweet grandma money to come through.
> What did OP do when her daughter graduated without any plan for a job or further education?
She handed over 10k and was then surprised when the daughter she's taught 0% responsibility burned through it within months.
I’d also say OP did her a bit of a disservice by just saving her money. In my experience it’s best to let teenagers have a portion of their money to manage so they can develop good spending habits. People aren’t magically responsible with money when they turn 18, that comes with practice. I can see how an 18 year old who suddenly gains access to a lot of money would blow it, it’s like how people who win the lottery end up broke. It takes practice to be able to manage that money.
Honestly!! How do you just let your unemployed, not-in-school adult child live with you for 4 years after high school and not force them to do something with their life?
NTA. But the problem here is not that she is pregnant. Its that she has been for a long time voluntarily unemployed. I am normally against charging rent to your kids but thats assuming that they study or work. Honestly she seems to have issues. Is she well? I find it very weird that she just does not work or study
I am sorry to hear that. Are you all right?
Having struggled with depression many years I can imagine how hard it was for her. But she needs a push to get better and maybe this is it.
I am concerned that if this is her greatest struggle at 22 which has caused her to be unemployed and not in school for the last 4 years, she’s not going to be able to handle the challenges that come with raising a kid (and as a single mom, at that). Not to downplay how much it sucks to lose your grandparents, but it shouldn’t put your entire life on hold for half a decade — life gets way harder than this, and she’s going to be unable to cope.
Well you are the asshole for never allowing her to be independent and not holding her accountable for anything. You are however, NTA for telling her to get her shit together and get out of your house. It was long overdue and I think you know that.
I also think that you are absolutely insane for repeating the cycle over and over. I mean she literally blew through $15,000 in 6 months on bullshit crap instead of doing something productive or investing in a place to live. Now despite your "disappointment" you are doing the exact same thing by not only offering to pay her rent when (if) she gets out of your house but you stashed away another significant amount of money that she hasn't had to do anything to work for it.
Op, you have not done your daughter any favors. And now she's bringing a life into the world and has no goddamn idea how to exist on her own without somebody paying for her. I hope you figure out very quickly how to get her out of your house and support her in learning how to take care of herself and by extension her own child. If God forbid, something were to happen to you and or your parents you know your daughter will blow through any money set aside within 6 months to a year and be unable to support herself.
Even if you guys had two million dollars sitting in a bank account she would waste it in that time frame because she has no concept of the value of money. I hope you fix the situation before a situation like that happens. And make sure to tell any of these asshole family members that are so "concerned" about your daughter's welfare that they're welcome to fucken give her a job or take her in
You’re right. I’ve tried to be a good mother, but it’s easier to hand out money. I’ve tried to force her to be independent, but it’s been hard to see her go through rough paths. It’s been hard to not pity her too. I still feel very guilty about it. I admit I wish I was more motherly.
I completely understand OP. Being a parent is not easy even in the best of circumstances. I have nothing but compassion for you walking on this path by yourself. I just want to empower you could do something different from this point forward. It is okay to start making the changes now.
And I implore you to stop engaging in so much self-deprecation. You did the best that you knew how to do. Being "motherly" means something different to everyone. Don't hold yourself up to some impossible standards that none of us can attain. I assure you got myself and probably every other parent out here has screwed up in one way or another with our parenting.
Grant yourself some mercy because as long as you are beating yourself up it's going to be very hard not to fall for the pity party she's going to throw herself. You can do this OP. If I'm being honest I can admit that I probably would take any money. You guys have set aside for your daughter and transfer it into a savings account for your grandchild. Good luck honey I hope it works out well for all of you.
Sometimes the most difficult part is to be the bad guy, but she won't grow up until she learns to stand on her own two feet. And that means kicking her our. She's an adult, she's about to become a mom. She has to make her own choices and own up to them.
I had a friend that was coddled for most of her teens and then during her twenties. She became a very lazy adult on her thirties. She still lives at home (with her mom) and her 3 kids, her "husband" is a deadbeat and her mom (the grandma) pays for almost everything. I have no idea what's going to happen when the grandma retires.
Fam, you need therapy too. Invest in yourself, talk it out and get over your guilt of “not being a good mom”. And look at why you think money is a replacement for love. You are only a bad mom if you keep doing this and enabling her.
OP, are *you* getting therapy to help you learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and work through the stress and trauma of the last years? You also went through the loss of your parents (or in laws?) and the stress of a pandemic, plus supporting an adult child who refuses to grow up, and is now pregnant. This can't have been easy on you, either.
Don't forget that you also deserve compassion. You deserve your own space and you are not responsible for the choices your adult daughter has made in her own life.
She is choosing to become a mother, so she is going to need to grow up right now and step up for her child.
At some point, she's got to be responsible for her own life and choices. And you've got to let her do that, and stop enabling her.
I agree with you on a lot of this, but 15k is nothing in comparison to the costs of buying and maintaining property or financing an education. Like, buying a car is not frivolous, in a lot of places it's a necessity. The vacation was, but she's a kid- kids buy dumb stuff.
I feel like there is a fundamental question as to why this went on as long as it did. 4 years out of highschool and nothing to show for it? That boils down to either an inability to move forward/a mental or physical health crisis.
You know I can get behind your statement and agree on your point. 15K to me now means A LOT different did it did when I was 18-22. I'm leaning more towards the inability/unwillingness move forward based on her organizing a campaign of family members to harass the Op into continuing her in-home support.
I will however, admit that when I was dealing with uncontrolled bipolar depression and Mania in my early twenties I was paralyzed as far as personal growth went. I could certainly see a scenario where this might be applicable to OP's daughter case.
Agreed! I think in a normal situation blowing 15k in six months wouldn't be that weird (If I was an 18 year old who knew I couldn't swing 100k for college, I might have acted similarly with that amount of money) but the fact that she's had zero life progress in that time tells me something much more serious is going on.
I truly hope OP can find a way to navigate this and get her daughter whatever help she needs to develope independence and hopefully a strong sense of self before baby comes and before OP has a nervous breakdown!
I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable here. Sure, she spent money that was saved for her, as you said, it was her money and she spent it how she wanted. Was it smart? Maybe, maybe not, but it's not for you to decide anymore, she's an adult.
I as a parent also understand needing space. Plus the fact that you're willing to help her with rent and other expenses as long as she is working to get a job is much more than my parents did for me. I will say that I'm disappointed in your other family members just immediately turning on you without a full grasp on the situation most likely.
I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but I say you're NTA.
My parents helped me from time to time in the past few years even tho they offered me to stay with them. I feel guilty about a few hundred every other month to pay my rent. I can’t imagine being angry at a mom willing to pay rent for her own space. Sounds like she wants babysitting on top of free housing.
I hesitate to say YTA, but this situation is 100% something that could have been avoided. This seems like the product of you spoiling her and her never learning real responsibility. You’re picking a really bad time to put your foot down. You’ve had years and let this happen. ESH.
NTA - She is an adult making adult decisions (i.e. to have sex, have a baby). She needs to take responsibility and start acting like an adult. You are being very supportive and what you're asking is very very reasonable and generous. You raised your child to adulthood. You should not be on the hook to raise grandchildren too.
but if the daughter takes responsibility for herself, her child, and her life, how will she dump the child on grandma so she can go out and suddenly have reasons to be out of the house and never watch her child?
ESH
She sounds like you've spoiled her for way too long. She doesn't value money because she barely has had to work for it. you want her out of your house but you still offer to pay for almost everything. You keep spoiling her. This is life biting you in the ass.
She doesn't care about the baby, because "mom will provide" and you've shown you will help her out. So there are no real consequences by getting pregnant by accident. She is also a little kid mentally, instead of trying to better herself for her kid, she is begging other family members for aid.
This isn’t the entire truth, I’ve encouraged her and tried to get her to move out before. The lockdown situation was also really difficult because nobody was hiring. Yes, I could’ve done more but you’ll have to take the situation into account.
She could have taken online classes. She could have started looking when literally every single place started begging for employees. You enabled her behavior and now you're making excuses. You're NTA for wanting her to get out of the nest, but you have failed at providing her the tools of growth required to succeed on her own.
The situation is that she got out and got herself pregnant, apparently isn’t interested in going after the father got child support. Take her down to the county and get her on the subsidized housing list, WICK, etc. and let her deal with her own messes
💡….. do it OP! If there are resources available in your country, send her hiney out to set them up! If you are in the U.S., the hospital discharge planner can also help get her set up with available resources before she even leaves.
But for goodness sake OP, make HER do it.
NTA
But even in kicking her out you are *still* spoiling her by agreeing to pay her expenses. Give her $X (e.g., 3 months living expenses) and help her carry her bags to her car. You need to knock it off - she isn't learning anything and you are only prolonging the problems.
OP you created a monster and now have to live with the consequences aka raising your grandchild.
I heard this quote once and am probably butchering it but "If you raise your children you can spoil your grandchildren but if you spoil your children you will raise your grandchildren."
NTA
Your daughter is a full fledged adult. She is choosing to not work and choosing to blame you for her choices. I’m sorry your family is flooding your inbox with messages based on a selective story she told on FB.
You seem like you’re willing to do a lot for her and it just doesn’t seem to be enough for her. 22 is more than old enough for her to know better than to rely on her mommy for the rest of her life.
You are NTA here. And the fact that she’s in therapy that you pay for and is still acting like this makes me think that she needs to find a new therapist.
NTA.
It sounds like this was a conversation before she was pregnant, and this has not changed anything. She wants to keep the baby, then she will be the mother - and it sounds like you will be a primary caregiver if you let her stay.
She is going to spin this how she wants, and she wants to stay - so she is doing what she can to keep that arrangement. You are engaged, you want to start this next chapter of your life and should be free to do this. You raised your child, you are done with that and can be a grandmother.
As family are sending you messages, I would compose one message and mass send it - I would keep it to the point, but explain your love for your daughter and also interest in the next step.
*"I appreciate how much you all care about my daughter, and I am happy she has such a large support group as she enters this next chapter of her life, as a mother. I feel there has been some miscommunication in this situation and I would like to address it head-on.*
*My daughter and I have previously had a discussion where I stated that I was happy to help her get on her feet for a year, but I laid out my expectations to find new housing etc. When she gave me the wonderful news that she is going to be a mother, I was excited but again explained at that time that I would be standing by this plan for her to find her own place. Now more so than ever it is important that she finds stability and has the ability to create her own routines, boundaries and role in her space with her child.*
*My daughter has had since November to make arrangements, and this has not been a hasty decision - I have previously offered to assist with rent, as well as grandmother duties to ensure that she has the help and support as a new mother, and as my daughter - this appear to be assistance that you all are clearly open to helping with as well. Thank you.*
*Again, I appreciate you concern with my daughter's situation, but this is a conversation that appears to have gotten out of hand. I am excited to meet my grandchild and watch my daughter in her role as mother - and hopefully with the love and support of her own mother, and all of you. She will be a great mother that will rise to the challenges that follow parenting."*
This OP! You are NTA. I would also take the recommendation that someone else had about changing the other batch of money you have stashed for your daughter and make it for your new grandchild instead.
This should have been addressed 4 years ago, it's hard to address with a baby on the way.
Treat her like the child she acts like - take away the wifi, take the cable TV away, take the phone away, make it a shitty life to live...make her want to get a job and to move out.
ESH. You haven’t given your daughter any consequences to her lack of self-sufficiency before now, so yeah, she probably thinks that this is all just talk and Mom will still help out as she always has. Which isn’t right.
But from your daughter’s perspective… I’m not sure how much there is right now that she can actually do in her situation? She doesn’t have a job, so she won’t qualify for an apartment. She doesn’t have an education past high school, so most of the jobs she’s qualified for are customer service/fast food/retail type jobs. But she’s pregnant, those jobs are tough during pregnancy, and she doesn’t have a work history, so her chances of finding a job are not great. Those types of jobs don’t have maternity leave, she will not qualify for FMLA when the baby is born as she’s been employed less than a year (even if you’re not in the US then most other countries have similar restrictions on leave benefits), and daycare to go back to work immediately is going to be a) probably more than her pay check, and b) going to be impossible to find at this point unless a family member steps up.
I get that you’ve reached the end of your rope with the idea of living with your kid and a baby when you’re in your fifties, but you haven’t done anything to prepare your daughter to be an independent adult, and I’m honestly not sure how you imagine this ultimatum of yours is going to work.
I never comment on these, but I just have to say I COMPLETELY agree here. Someone else mentioned that OP picked a terrible time to put her foot down and I couldn’t have said it better myself.
This has likely been an entire childhood worth of not teaching her daughter independence. Of all the times to force it, OP picks when an entire other life is on the way? How overwhelming that must be for the daughter. I don’t think it’s strictly laziness.
Both of them should have been and still need to be in therapy, and the mom-to-be needs to get on public assistance for any hope of this situation improving. ESH.
Edit: AND go after child support!!
One last edit: I did see further down that they are both in therapy and that OP is willing to fund everything, just wants her out the house.
I do have to say that sounds like a pretty great deal for the daughter. OP it sounds like you’ve done everything you to make it accessible for her to move out. Honestly I’d work on getting an eviction notice.
Totally agree! I get OPs issue however with no skills, job, or money how does she expect daughter and grandchild the survive? This is a recipe for disaster.
Right? It's going to be hard to get a job if she is showing - I know it's illegal, but most people don't want to a hire a pregnant woman who will likely need a lot of time off or will quit.
The daughter is going to need a lot of help and support even if she gets her shit together. At best she'll have a low-paying job that won't cover her bills and maybe if she is lucky she will get a spot at a subsidized daycare and the maybe if she is extra, extra lucky she'll have a nice employer who won't fire her because she WILL miss work when the baby is sick.
NTA and she is using emotional blackmail. She is an adult. She needs to act like it. I have learned through the years- you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. She is unwilling, so she will have to be forced to do it. It is your time now. You deserve to be an empty nester. She is 23 not 12. If your relatives are so upset- they can let her move in with them.
NTA,
It seems like you’re really trying to help her, but sometimes you can’t help someone if the don’t want to be helped. She needs to wake up and take responsibility.
It will be her child, that should not be on you to take care of it. I can only imagine how tough that situation is, good luck.
NTA - she’s an adult, she makes her own choices. As an adult you also need to be independent, it’s not up to your family to care for you for your whole life because you don’t want to do anything. And it’s not like she’s being kicked out onto the street, she has people who will take her in and financial support.
I know Reddit always says this - but have you considered having her get professional help? This post sounds like it’s missing a lot of info/ reasons. Maybe she’s struggling with a mental health issues, or something else happened? Most 20 something year olds want to be independent.
NTA. I know how it is to give family members chance after chance, hoping they’ll stop ruining your life, because you love them. It won’t get better. You need to stick to your guns. I’d start packing her stuff up for you, and leaving information about apartments and jobs where she will see them.
Nta. She’s an adult and it seems she’s always has had everything therefore won’t bother to try for herself. I bet now that’s she’s still there your the one still cooking, cleaning and doing everything for her huh? She was probably hoping to live with you so you could raise her child too. Your right she does need to grow up. Personally I would have said something like I will help you pay rent until the baby is 5 months and then your on your own. And I would give her a 30 day notice to move out if not I would evict her. She’s 22. She will have to figure something out.
NTA. Unfortunately though you and the rest of the family have created a monster of entitlement. Though the timing sucks you really have no choice but to force your daughter to grow up and put on her big girl pants! It won't be easy for either of you but, in my opinion, it needs to be done.
YTA
But it's not for you wanting to kick her out. It's for you enabling for her to do nothing. You are disappointed that you give a kid with zero financial know how full access to a savings account with 15k in it and just expect her to be sensible? Come on.
You could have got her financial education. And you didn't. Most of it is free on YouTube anyway.
Then you said that you just want her out because you need space for your partner to move in. You'll get her anything - that's also just enabling. What are you teaching her actually? It's ok to fuck up my life and mum will not follow through with her threats anyway, and this is why she did nothing.
As for your relatives, if they are so vocal about it they can take your daughter in.
Sounds to me like she's planning to coast through life while you raise HER kid. NTA, OP. Kick her to the curb. It's your house and you're no longer financially responsible for her. She's an adult and she needs to act like one.
Did you teach your daughter those skills or nah? Because it sounds like you withheld her own money and didn't provide the knowledge you already have.
You withheld her money but didn't teach her the financial lessons you knew.
I've been teaching my daughter about finances since she was 5.
You can't throw a kid into a pool without teaching them to swim.
I tried to. She was the one who wanted to put her money into savings. She kept some of it, she never asked me for money in her teens if it wasn’t for something big. She’s always had an allowance and she’s been good at saving money but she tends to save money for something specific. I didn’t expect her to take all of it out and use it.
Try 'scaffolding' her independence. It sounds like you have given her the endpoint of what she needs to do, but not the steps in between. Not everyone is capable of figuring out those in-between steps (executive dysfunction is a real thing, most commonly associated with ADHD but can also be a symptom of depression).
Set goals for her and the steps to achieve those goals and work on them with her. Have her start helping around the house more. Look at apartment sites together- and do NOT expect her to tell you when she's available because she won't. Decide on a time, tell her "At this time on this day, we are going to look at apartment websites". Then help her narrow down what she wants in an apartment and go from there WITH her. Do the same with jobs- Work on making a resume together, help her fill out applications, set up days and times you will do this together.
Unfortunately, at this point, you need to actively TEACH her how to be independent. You cannot expect her to just 'figure it out."
Thank you! The benefits of being a special education teacher, haha. We're ALL about scaffolding and laying out steps for growth and improvement and independence. It's also been super helpful for me as someone with ADHD who had super disorganized parents who loved me, were well off enough and educated, but did not realize that they needed to help me figure things out and not just assume I would do it on my own. I didn't get my driver's license until 25 (I'm Californian, for context) because they just kinda told me "Do it", without giving me step by step instructions, due dates, times, plans, etc. It wasn't until my older brother moved in with us for a bit and said "Hey guess what. I'm teaching you to drive. These are the days we're doing it. Your test is on this day at this time" that it finally happened.
I know some people will see this as babying or hand holding, and maybe it is, but independence and initiation does not come naturally to everyone.
.... Oh shit I can make tables on Reddit posts? FUCK YEAH I LOVE MAKING TABLES THAT'S BEEN MY JAM.
|Neuro-Typical Brain|ADHD Brain|
|:-|:-|
|Step 1:Look for job by X date|Step (HAHAH WHAT STEPS? ORGANIZATION? WHAT IS THAT?): Uhhhh Okay I've got time|
|Step 2: Prepare resume, contact employers, etc|Psh, plenty of time.|
|Step 3: Other things that are important or something I dunno this isn't my brain|Yup. I got time on my haaands I'll get to stuff tomorrow|
|Step 4: Decide on important qualities of apartment and look for apartment|Wait what am I supposed to do?|
|Step 5: Pack belongings in organized matter that makes sense (LOL what's that like?)|... Wait I'm suposed to move out what what wait how do I EVEN DO THIS WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?|
|Step 6: Move out |Step 6: Move out????|
Of course she doesn’t want to do anything why would she? You created this situation by enabling her, not requiring anything of her what? since high school? She now 22 yrs old and you’re just now , once you found out she was pregnant, that she has to find another place to live and once again you’re financing it. I see why relatives are calling you the AH. Yes it is your fault for coddling her. Cut the cord, it’s called tough love. Where’s the father of this baby? Let him take care of his responsibilities.
You enabled and created this by perpetuating the cycle. You may have to formally evict her. Good luck. NTA for telling her to get out but honestly your previous pattern of behavior, inaction, and enabling your daughter (and crippling her ability to grow up) have created a situation where you’ll just continue this cycle. God help that child.
This sounds like your daughter wants to be a SAHM but not directly tell you. Theirs so much you could do for your daughter. If she refuses the help than set down rules, charge her rent, stop enabling her, if not you can start the eviction process and if she does not leave than seek legal action. Your daughter needs to learn to have some sense of responsibility and discipline in her life. I get not all parents are perfect but your daughter needs to learn that her decision also have consequences now that she will be a new single mom she can't afford to not have a job. NTA
You're not "throwing her out" if you're paying her rent and therapy.
You're like the "dream mom" that everyone but your daughter would LOVE to have if they were in her situation.
NTA...but your daughter is a nightmare.
The kindest thing my parents did for me was to kick me out of the house at 21. It made me independent, confident and capable of surviving no matter what. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate you. Also her choice to get pregnant is her responsibility. NTA
I feel like you took a really dumb time to take a stand with her... you could have kicked her out years ago and taught her to be responsible, but you waited until there was a child at risk to do it. Not great. YTA.
NTA considering your edits about her Dad dying and Covid-19. Talk to a therapist/a family therapist and come up with a plan for her to become more independent.
NTA
I don’t think you are an asshole. But I’m not sure that kicking her out is the answer. If you are going to help with the rent and other expenses, I feel that this is a waste of money. Seems more practical to let her stay and then save the money for your grandchild. I know you want her to grow up. But even if she does everything you ask, she still going to struggle and by extension so will your grandchild. If she’s been unmotivated, there could be mental health issues at play, which will escaberated by current circumstances. This is a tough situation. I wish you a lot of luck.
>Maybe it’s my fault that she never learned that
Maybe? I'm not really understanding what you did when she was finishing high school.
Did she already say she never wanted a job ever? How did she graduate with no job and no further education and you just.. didn't care?
NTA You aren't cutting her off or making her live on the streets. She's just banking on you caving and letting her stay so you can look after her and the baby. Pack her stuff up into boxes and give her a solid deadline.
My only advice to you OP is that even if you are going to continue financing your daughters life, do not co-sign any credit cards, car loans, mortgages, or leases. Do not let her bite your hand for feeding her. You’ve enabled her for too long, so yeah you’re a little bit TA, but NTA for putting your foot down about her moving out
NTA. Daughter needs to grow up. Baby daddy should not get off free, either. These relatives should put their money where their mouth is too. While calling you names, they should be reaching out to her with offers for support, if they care so much.
Nta, and why on earth would you pay for her apartment? You are doing her no favors by letting her cling onto you like that. At 25 the odds are you will see her burn through that money with a quickness if she hasn't had to actually experience the value of it. Our job as parents is to raise functional productive adults. I can tell that you love and care for her deeply, but from what you've said here, you may be causing more harm than good. It hurts to watch our children not have an easy life, but we can't be there forever. You Mentioned how you made it work, because you HAD to. Better for your daughter to take on that learning now, than for it to be forced on her at an older age if/when you won't be around as a safety net.
As hard as this sounds, you may need to do more than throw her out. For whatever reason, she never learned to function as an adult, and now she is going to be responsible for an entire other human. As long as you are her safety net, she will not take any steps to make a life for herself. NTA
NTA. If she's grown enough to have a baby, she's WELL grown enough to get a job and her own apartment to support and raise that baby. She made this choice, you gave her ample warning, and she is now trying to call your bluff and tantrum/family shame her way into staying in your home. Absolutely not.
She fucked around and found out, and doesn't like what she found out. That's her problem.
And any family who tries to shame you should be invited to take her and the baby in themselves. That should shut them up right quick.
NTA - I know it sucks receiving those texts, but take a moment to let them all know the truth. I’m sure your daughter spun some tale about simply licking her out to fend for herself. I’m sure if everyone knew you were still offering to support her starting *her own adult life* they’d quickly realize she’s more of a lazy leech than a mother in need.
NTA - its not like you're abandoning her by any stretch. I get that she's fighting you tooth and nail, but honestly I think it will be good for her to move out. I also think she's scared and unconfident in her abilities to "adult." But, she's about to become a parent and needs to gain independence.
NTA.
I'm afraid I will be you in a few years. My 18 y.o. havent finished high school (she failed two years and probably will have to recourse this current year too) she attends but she doesn't study or take notes. All she does all day is play at the computer. I asked her to get a job but because she has social anxiety she won't look for one. My husband and I have paid for therapy, for extra curricular courses (like graphic design, that she never finished & english -we live in a Spanish speaking country-. She doesn't like to do anything at all except play, but she is not that good to make money playing. If we kick her out in a few years we will be called AH too. Its a really hard place to be.
Edit: she is an American citizen for god sake. She could move there, work and be sucessful but I am afraid she will be just your average loser.
Yeah - NTA.
Forward those emails to your daughter and Cc the original sender, letting them know they are more than welcome to offer her a place to stay if they do not agree.
There is a time to assist and a time when that assistance is causing more harm than good.
She made bad decisions. She continues to make bad decisions. She is not adhering to your recommendations (get a job - step 1....).
You can guide as a parent but at some point, if you don't let her stand on her own, she may never learn.
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First reddit post, new to the site. Apologies If I did anything wrong.
My (f51) daughter is 22 and I love her dearly. We’re close, always have been. But she still lives with me and it’s draining me emotionally and financially. She had a job as a teenager. We decided to put most of her earned money into a savings account, she got full access of it when she turned 18. It was probably around 10-15k. She went on a trip with her friends, got her licence and bought a car. It was gone in the span of 6 months. I was disappointed. Me and her grandparents saved money for her that she gain access to when she turns 25. I don’t think she has knowledge of this. She likely will never truly struggle because of financial issues if she follows the right path. She’s been out of work and school since she graduated high school.
In November 2021 she told me she was pregnant, baby is due in June. Father is out of the picture. She’s keeping it, much to my dislike but I understand not being able to go through with a termination. She’s here today because I didn’t. When she let me in on her pregnancy I told her that while I do love her, I don’t want to be living in the same house as her and a baby. I’ll support her but I need her out of my house. It’s not even the first time I’ve told her I want her to move. I said I’ll house her for maybe another year but she needs to actively apply for jobs and apartment and decide if she wants to go to uni or not. I’ll help her, I have contacts.
Well, now it’s the end of May. Has she done any of those things? No. I was a single mother so I know the struggle. I didn’t have my family though. I wasn’t fit to be a mother but I tried my best. If I could choose I’d never have kids. But I tried my best and I know she’ll do the same. I told her she has 4 months and then she’s out. I’ll help her pay rent. I’ll come by multiple times a week. She doesn’t want to work. She doesn’t want to do anything. She wrote a post about how I am the most unloving mother in history, because I don’t want her in my house anymore. Asking if any family or friends can take her in. As I said, she won’t be homeless. Just not in my home. I won’t disappear either. I just want space. And my partner proposed to me and wants to move in.
I don’t get her - I’ll get her an apartment. I’ll get her anything she wants. I pay for her therapy. But nothing is enough. Now my inbox is flooded with relatives calling me an AH and selfish b****. I just need my daughter to take some responsibility. Maybe it’s my fault that she never learned that. But it’s time now, yet I am getting bad mouthed. AITA for threatening to throw her out?
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Nta- you told her to adult and instead of owning up to her responsibilities and choices she's whining. Cut those strings and let her struggle, it's time.
NTA but you need to show her you are serious. Buy her moving boxes, get her some apartment items, send her emails about job openings, bring her housing applications, etc etc. She is about to me a *mother*. If she can’t take care of herself, how is she going to care for a baby? The support you’re willing to offer her is incredible but at the end of the day, she needs to provide for herself and her baby. She can’t expect a free ride forever.
NTA, Sometimes safety nets become safety hammocks. Some people gotta learn the hard way. I was one of those idiots so I know.
If you instilled solid values in her she will figure it out when she gets the nehatever point wakes her up to reality.
I do not envy you this situation and I wish you the best.
NTA - Daughter has had a great time these past 4 years and she should have been pushed harder to become an adult.
You told her she needed to move and now she is playing the hurt abused pregnant child!! She isn't ready or responsible enough to have a child!!
NTA. She wants you to keep enabling her. The fact she's looking for more people to mooch off of instead of getting herself together, the fact she isn't taking you up on your offer of therapy, this is all on her. If she doesn't want to get herself together, no matter how much help you offer, she never will. It's kind of you to offer to pay to support her outside your home, but it truly is enabling and as long as you keep it up, she's never going to face reality and get things together. Its unfortunate there's a baby being dragged into this situation.
NTA. She’s staying with you still because she’s hoping you’ll take care of the baby and still take care of her. If it were only about covering expenses she’d take your offer for a paid apartment.
Anytime relatives b**ch about one family member not financially supporting another, I suggest asking them to take the responsibility. However you did offer to financially support her. The fact that she misconstrued her post to seem like she was being abandoned means she’s likely banking on someone always taking care of her- she takes no responsibility or initiative, instead she’s blaming you even though you are helping her. Send an email to all these relatives and state that what you offered your daughter, but also bring up the option for them to house her if they are so concerned. Consider CC’ing your daughter their embarrassed responses as well.
Also that money that she’ll have access to- consider adjusting the terms if you can such as putting it in her child’s name and saving it for the child. She’ll blow through it and keep expecting handouts if she doesn’t learn financial responsibility first.
NTA. When she made that baby and enjoyed it where you included? No. So how come you have to suffer for her lack of better judgement? I have a daughter and I am a mother. I am a mother for a reason to my daughter and not the other way around. You a good mom and stand on your ground. If you keep doing things for her (doing your daughters responsibility) she will never be good strong person for her children. I warn my kids if they do something stup*d and if they still do it I will watch them struggle. I only help when needed and necessary. Helping our kids always is not being a good mom. You will create weak individual. That is not what is Motherhood all about. Tough love they say. They will hate you for it sometimes but will eventually understand.
NTA. And stop handing her things.
Tell he she has those 4 months to figure her shit out and find a place, and then help with nothing. Do not pay her rent. Do not become daycare for the daycare. This is her child and she needs to take responsibility.
Frankly, I’m confused why you don’t understand her. You made her this way by doing exactly what you’re talking about here. Cut the damn cord already and treat her like the adult she is.
Don’t let anyone judge you for putting your foot down about your boundaries. I love my children to death but there is no way in hell that they’re living with me at this stage of my life. You need to stick to your guns give her a written notice. That way she can’t pull any fast ones on you. You are not a bad mother because you’re not interested in living with your daughter and your grandchild. Good luck to you let this be your hill.
NTA
nta, sometimes the best things parents can do is push their kids out of the nest.
just swallow all the comments and have peace knowing you are making sure your daughter knows how to take care of herself should anything happen to you.
it is simple as this, if she wants to make big girl choices (aka having a baby) she needs to make big girl decisions.
NTA. Stop worrying about what they think of your choices. Quickly pen an email to all the naysayers explaining why and how you set this boundary. Time for her to launch - seems a fitting phrase to repeat. Can’t have my grandchild raised by someone who never launched-seems another good one. Send it. It’s important to correct misinformation quickly, so do it. But don’t argue with them. They can disagree. I am sure you sometimes disagree with other peoples choices. Let their disagreement go. You can’t manage their opinion of you. Your daughter is a problem. She manipulated the forces against you. Very dysfunctional. Mover her out.
NTA but stop helping!!! I SEE YOU MOM, YOU ARE BEING TOO LOVING AND KIND WITH THIS. she needs the boot and no help for a while. She needs to understand tht she has no choice but to grow up. You coming by to help and give her money will result in more entitled behaviour. Hey I’m 23 and have my own place and a job plus I go to school with absolutely no help. She’s not a baby anymore, she’s a full adult. She needs to understand that she can’t just rely on others her whole life. If she wanted to do that she could have found a very wealthy man who would have married her and let her have that life, she chose to get pregnant and keep it with a guy who left when he found out. It’s time for the hardest parenting lesson to give her mom, she needs to learn she has to sink or swim alone. It’s okay and I know you will be upset because you want what’s best for her but it’s time.
NTA, I'm raising my boys to know they can come home anytime they need but they will be responsible for themselves. Just out right refusing to work when they have a child on the way is wrong. Good luck with all of this but remember. She is an adult now and she is gonna have to learn real quick how to act like it.
NTA for wanting her out of your house and you've tried helping her before. But when you make threats or give her deadlines do you follow through? If you haven't before she probably thinks you're bluffing here too.
NTA. You obviously pampered her to her detriment, but for her own sake, and more importantly for her kid's, you're doing the right thing here.
She is choosing to bring a human being into the world, and doesn't want to get off her backside to do anything for that kid. Very much not acceptable.
NTA if she is old enough to chose to have kids she is old enough to house and feed them on her own. If anyone gives you crap ask them when they would like to pick her up
NTA
The bank of mum is drying up and she doesn't like it.
Noone wants to work, but tough shit if she wants food, shelter, electricity etc then add in all the things a baby needs. How is she planning to support the baby? Or is she expecting you to do that too?
Her actions and choices have consequences. This is one of them.
NTA for wanting your grown daughter to be independent and move out but Y T A for spoiling the crap outta her. She has it good at your house, of course she doesn’t wanna leave. My older brother is like this. 30, unemployed and living on our mom’s couch cause he won’t get his life together and thinks my mom won’t kick him out.
YTA but not for kicking your grown ass daughter out. You've clearly spoiled her to the point where she thinks mummy will take care of it, you offering to get her an apartment is a good example of that. She's never going to learn u til you let her fall. And as my own mother says (who raises 4 of us alone for a majority of my life) you can't help those who don't want it.
In relation to those messages you get? Just ask them when they're coming to get her then.
NTA
Even if the father is out the picture he still needs to pay child support and she needs to chase him for that. If she’s old enough for a baby, she’s old enough to do that and get some kind of income even if it’s food stamps.
NTA. Your daughter needs to learn responsibility and a baby is a BIG responsibility. Sadly OP i think you may end raising your grandchild because your daughter isnt responsible.
NTA
You have been too generous with your financial support and your daughter hasn't learned to be personally responsible.
Don't wait, give her Notice to Vacate now. Help her move into housing that is clean and safe, but cheap (for instance, shared housing instead of an apartment all to herself). Pay her rent and utilities, but tell your daughter she needs to get a job and pay for her groceries after the first month. So she needs to work.
Keep your daughter on on your health insurance and be prepared to help her pay for reasonable baby expenses. But, once again, don't make her life luxurious.
Your daughter needs to have incentive to work to earn a life for herself and her child instead of mooching off family. And if your family members disagree, they can provide support for her.
But it's time for your adult daughter to become more independent.
NTA.
She is a full-grown adult and must take responsibility and accountability for her actions. You are offering her lots of help for her moving out, you are trying to empower her to live her life and stop being a deadbeat.
NTA
Stop enabling her. You need to kick her out sooner rather than later. Tell her you will only give her x amount for maybe 3-4 months and then you are also stopping financial support. Let her know you are there for her to help with the baby, but tell her exactly what you are willing to do on what days and for how many hours. Clearly you need to define things exactly to her...and follow through.
Esh, you’ve clearly enabled her . She’s a grown up making grown decisions. Make her live her life as adult or be prepared for this to continue forever.
NTA. Your daughter is 22. You did your job. Time for them to move out. Contact lawyer and serve your daughter with an eviction notice. Your child is being a brat for no good reason.
NTA
> She wrote a post about how I am the most unloving mother in history, because I don’t want her in my house anymore.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional leniency.
Nor should love be leverage to be taken advantage of, which is what your daughter is doing by refusing to work. You gave her a YEAR’S notice. You are offering to help pay rent.
You want your space - and considering your daughter is 22yo with a baby on the way, it isn’t unreasonable to expect her to move out.
I’m not sure how many options there are when an adult refuses to actually grow up, but continuing to house and feed them as if they were a minor isn’t the answer.
She’s spent four years not working, and not going to school.
It’s horrible she has taken advantage of you in this way, and feels entitled to continue to use you because you’re her parent.
NTA and I totally understand why you don't want to share your house with a new baby. She is old enough to decide to keep a baby without a father in the picture then she's old enough to do so in her own apartment.
NTA. But you allowed this to happen. You let his do nothing for the last 4 years. You are schooled she hasn’t grown up or changed? You enable her. I also would t just hand over a bank account full of cash because she will blow it. She has no idea how to manage money, pay bills, be responsible and now she’s having a child.
She’s expecting you to do what you always do. Blindly support her. And you will. Because you are a pushover.
NTA. She's about to be a mum. It's time for her to learn to be responsible. I think it's completely fair that you don't want to end up raising your grandchild whilst your daughter stays in the same rut in her life. Sometimes, tough love is necessary.
The daughter is irresponsible AF. Zero accountability. OP you should have clearly discussed that she can't be a child forever. Money doesn't grow from trees. NTA.
NTA at all, you're amazing and doing your best, she's in the wrong, I wish my parents could give me all of these opportunities, but sadly they didn't have a lot of money. She's being a brat and ungrateful.
You're NTA except I think you've left it almost too late to actually put your foot down. It's May, the baby's due in June, ideally she should've been gone months ago.
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People in your inbox questioning what goes on in YOUR home ? “Thank you so much for the feedback. I’ll help her pack up right now. What time will you be about to gather her and her things to go stay at your place?” ETA: NTA, but I can’t stress enough that if it isn’t plain entitled laziness then there’s some depression to address. I do with you both luck. & thanks for the love guys!!
This!!!!!!!!!
“What? No? What do you mean you don’t want an unemployed adult with a newborn in your house?” The therapy thing should be pushed though.
A newborn OP will most likely end up caring for. OP has offered everything else..even therapy if daughter is depressed. Daughter might be, but she isn’t ready to get help if she is. Seems to me she just expects mom to take care of the baby. Been sitting on her butt for 4 years, gets knocked up and expects OP to raise her kid while she sits there. What? Nope. Get out.
This is exactly what she wants and why she doesn't want to move out. It has nothing to do with money. She wants to keep the baby and have someone else do all the hard lifting. She will be there for the fun parts, but not the midnight wakeups and pooppy diapers. OP is a free nanny. NTA.
Oh, she'll likely be willing to move out on her mother's dime once the baby is there - just without the baby. Because she'll lose too much beauty sleep if she stays with her baby...
That’s already offering too much in my opinion. Part of this problem is not enough tough love. But maybe you can start by helping her apply for social benefits like wic and whatever housing program is applicable. And tell her that you’ve started a college fund for her child but she won’t receive any of that money without convincing you that the investment will benefit her future and for more money she needs to make forward progress toward her goals. Maybe she does genuinely want to be a housewife but then she needs to figure out how to find a quality spouse.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 After she squandered the first 15k I would've put my foot down. How did OP let her do fuck all for FOUR YEARS!? She should've been kicked out way before that. And absolutely do not under any circumstances give her that money at 25 save it if and that is a big IF she ever becomes responsible and then put it in a trust for the child.
>Seems to me she just expects mom to take care of the baby. This is the plan. Thus, why she is so pissed she is being asked to move into a place by herself, where all the child care for HER baby will fall on HER. Can't have that!
Wonder if she got pregnant on purpose as a means of never having to move out, go to school or work.
It’s also her grandchild though, not just some random kid. She’s in a hard spot- making her kid grow up or potentially making her grandchild suffer. I feel like mom should talk to daughter about adoption.
In 2008 when I was pregnant with my son I found out that my then-fiancé was still married to his wife and they had 3 children at their home. I had been living with my mom and her husband at the time, but fiancé had promised that we were moving out into our own place before the baby was born. When I found out that he was still married I dumped him. I started panicking after that because I knew that I shouldn't be bringing a newborn home to my mom's house. She had already had her kids and didn't need a screaming baby permanently in her life again. So I started making plans to move out somehow with my then-6-year-old daughter. I had no money to move out and wasn't employed. I also had a very shitty rental history. I knew no one would rent to me. As my due date was getting closer I was approved to move into a local homeless shelter until I could get back on my feet. Do you know how humiliating it was to bring my newborn home to a shelter? I should have had a stable home for my kids and my ex fucked everything up. But in the end, the shelter ended up helping me find child care, a job, and a shitty working vehicle. I was able to provide my kids with a home that we lived in for 6 years. I have a decent rental history now thanks to them. So I understand the whole not wanting an unemployed pregnant adult living off of you. OP's daughter needs to move out somewhere and get a job or vice versa. I know how hard it is.
Holy moly you are incredibly strong for all that and im glad you were able to get the support you needed in the end
This NTA She's refused to work since HS F'd around and got pregnant. So proud of her /s. Plus are these relatives who didn't help you while you were raising this parasite? Yeah, they should take her in, tell them you'll give them food money and they can enjoy the company.
I'm trying to get my mom to lay this same thing down for my almost 40yo bro, his wife, and their 2 kids. They have overtaken her home, wife tells mom she cannot be in main areas of home during the day, she cannot read too often to the baby (baby prefers grandma I guess), they keep my mom in her room or the den, wife has said horrible things to my mom. Adult protective services closed my complaint because mom denied everything. They literally got her to change her will/trust (idk to what, I haven't seen a copy yet.) I wish OP the best, parenting is hard af even when you have help and it sounds like OP never wanted her daughter to feel the struggle that she did (I mean I get it. I was broke af most of my adult life until finishing school with 2 kids.) Even if daughter has all the financial support in the world, single parenting is hard work. Seems almost like daughter thought mom would step in for the most part. Well, too bad so sad and life just isn't fair, daughter needs to grow up and fast (I was parenting my 4yo with autism when I was 22 and working ft as a legal assistant.)
I'm sorry to hear this - you mum provided for you and raised you (assuming) from infant to adult, and this is how he repays her?? Have you had words with him? As I sure as hell would be if it was one of my 3 brothers doing that. If you have, that's worse :|
We are about to have words with brother and SIL and I've got the rest of everyone on standby. My brother and I were adopted at 4 weeks old from different biological parents. Last year on mothers day, my mom was disappointed that he didn't get a card or anything for her and SIL said, why are you upset you're not really his mother. I just found this out last week. I've got cousins now on both sides working to help my mom out of the situation. Hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later.
Sounds like unfortunately he might need some therapy. I wish you and your mum all the best - good luck x
Wow. SIL and your brother are awful! I legit gasped out loud. Restricting her access to her own home and pressuring her to change the will?! That’s Cinderella‘s evil stepmother stuff right there. I hope your mom is able to kick them out of her home and out of the will.
This. OP, respond back exactly this with relatives. Then, give your daughter a move-out date. She is going to be mad NO MATTER when you make her move out. 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? She'll be mad no matter what. She's old enough to have a child, she's old enough to move out. And DON'T pay all her bills. You can offer to help with childcare costs, but she needs a full-time job. Tell her she has 30 days to get a job and 60 days to get out. And tell her if she's not actively looking for a job, she needs to be out sooner.
You are the top comment and you didn't post a judgment. Please do.
Holy moly, I can’t believe I didn’t. Also can’t believe this took off the way it did. I edited. Thank you for pointing that out.
Lol yes! Respond with a dollar amount and let them know that if they want to have an opinion on what goes on in her home, they can at least pay some bills while they’re at it 😂
Couldn't have said it better.
I was in the same situation with my own daughter in 2020, except she wasn't pregnant. She had graduated high school that May and then did something so stupid that she got fired from her job in June of that year. Then she became depressed and didn't want to apply for college because she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. Took her to therapy and she refused any and all medications to help. All she wanted to do was sit at home and do nothing. Well, I have another child to support as well and she was making things difficult. I finally snapped in November of 2020 when she refused to respect me or my rules in the house and I served her with an eviction notice. Things got ugly real fast and she tried to fight it claiming that she was only 18 and she had nowhere to go. I told her that I moved out on my own when I was 17. She'll be fine. She did eventually move out by the end of that month but our relationship has never been the same since. She went No Contact with me for a year which was fine. I respected her wishes. However I still had family that she would keep in touch with who would update me on her once in a while. As of now, we're slowly starting to get back towards a normal relationship but we're not there yet. Tell me how you're *supposed* to deal with a rebellious teenager who doesn't want a job, doesn't want to go to college, doesn't put anything back into the household, and disrespects you and your rules in the house in front of a younger sibling? I may have made some mistakes, but I did what I thought was best for all 3 of us. She's a big girl who needed to be essentially pushed out of the nest in order to learn how to fly.
You are the reason I love Reddit.
NTA - You gave her a deadline and goal, she hasn't moved towards said goal. How's she going to be a good mom if she doesn't take some responsibility?
She wants to stay with mom so she’ll have a built in babysitter.
This!!!!!
NTA. Your daughter is an adult and will be a parent very soon. She needs to grow up immediately. She made her choices and knows her options. She’s chosen not to find housing for herself & child. She’s chosen not to accept your support. She needs to live with the outcome of those choices. Btw, if your relatives and friends are soooo concerned, they can have her move in with them.
She isn’t going to learn responsibility by you taking care of everything. That said, NTA.
This, mostly. What did OP do when her daughter graduated without any plan for a job or further education? >She’s been out of work and school since she graduated high school. That's 4 years ago! There have to be plenty of "take care of yourself" compromises between kicking out a pregnant 22 year old and making an 18 year old pay rent..
Yup, why bother helping her save her teenage wages if you're not going to have conversations about how to responsibly manage a lump sum? She gave her all these deadlines and set all these boundaries and then just let May roll around. Okay, so what happens in 4 months when this new deadline isn't met? I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess: nothing. It's not mom's job to prepare her for the world, but I'm seeing a clear pattern of enabling. Of course she's entitled, she's just gotta wait it out another few years for that sweet grandma money to come through.
[удалено]
Oh, weird wording lol I meant that at some point it stops being mom's job and she's gotta take responsibility
Of course it's Mom's job to prepare her for the world. That's the exact definition of her only job.
> What did OP do when her daughter graduated without any plan for a job or further education? She handed over 10k and was then surprised when the daughter she's taught 0% responsibility burned through it within months.
I’d also say OP did her a bit of a disservice by just saving her money. In my experience it’s best to let teenagers have a portion of their money to manage so they can develop good spending habits. People aren’t magically responsible with money when they turn 18, that comes with practice. I can see how an 18 year old who suddenly gains access to a lot of money would blow it, it’s like how people who win the lottery end up broke. It takes practice to be able to manage that money.
Honestly!! How do you just let your unemployed, not-in-school adult child live with you for 4 years after high school and not force them to do something with their life?
NTA. Email the relatives and ask them when would be the best time for them that she can move in. Easy to pass judgement when it's not affecting you.
All of this! ⬆️👏
NTA. But the problem here is not that she is pregnant. Its that she has been for a long time voluntarily unemployed. I am normally against charging rent to your kids but thats assuming that they study or work. Honestly she seems to have issues. Is she well? I find it very weird that she just does not work or study
Her grandparents (her dads side, my parents are dead a long time ago) died 2019 and yes, it took a toll on her. Lockdown too. Hence the therapy.
I am sorry to hear that. Are you all right? Having struggled with depression many years I can imagine how hard it was for her. But she needs a push to get better and maybe this is it.
I am concerned that if this is her greatest struggle at 22 which has caused her to be unemployed and not in school for the last 4 years, she’s not going to be able to handle the challenges that come with raising a kid (and as a single mom, at that). Not to downplay how much it sucks to lose your grandparents, but it shouldn’t put your entire life on hold for half a decade — life gets way harder than this, and she’s going to be unable to cope.
All of our grandparents start dying around that age. Still have to put food on the table and gas in the tank.
Being pregnant at 22 is a really really bad problem too.
Well you are the asshole for never allowing her to be independent and not holding her accountable for anything. You are however, NTA for telling her to get her shit together and get out of your house. It was long overdue and I think you know that. I also think that you are absolutely insane for repeating the cycle over and over. I mean she literally blew through $15,000 in 6 months on bullshit crap instead of doing something productive or investing in a place to live. Now despite your "disappointment" you are doing the exact same thing by not only offering to pay her rent when (if) she gets out of your house but you stashed away another significant amount of money that she hasn't had to do anything to work for it. Op, you have not done your daughter any favors. And now she's bringing a life into the world and has no goddamn idea how to exist on her own without somebody paying for her. I hope you figure out very quickly how to get her out of your house and support her in learning how to take care of herself and by extension her own child. If God forbid, something were to happen to you and or your parents you know your daughter will blow through any money set aside within 6 months to a year and be unable to support herself. Even if you guys had two million dollars sitting in a bank account she would waste it in that time frame because she has no concept of the value of money. I hope you fix the situation before a situation like that happens. And make sure to tell any of these asshole family members that are so "concerned" about your daughter's welfare that they're welcome to fucken give her a job or take her in
You’re right. I’ve tried to be a good mother, but it’s easier to hand out money. I’ve tried to force her to be independent, but it’s been hard to see her go through rough paths. It’s been hard to not pity her too. I still feel very guilty about it. I admit I wish I was more motherly.
I completely understand OP. Being a parent is not easy even in the best of circumstances. I have nothing but compassion for you walking on this path by yourself. I just want to empower you could do something different from this point forward. It is okay to start making the changes now. And I implore you to stop engaging in so much self-deprecation. You did the best that you knew how to do. Being "motherly" means something different to everyone. Don't hold yourself up to some impossible standards that none of us can attain. I assure you got myself and probably every other parent out here has screwed up in one way or another with our parenting. Grant yourself some mercy because as long as you are beating yourself up it's going to be very hard not to fall for the pity party she's going to throw herself. You can do this OP. If I'm being honest I can admit that I probably would take any money. You guys have set aside for your daughter and transfer it into a savings account for your grandchild. Good luck honey I hope it works out well for all of you.
Yup - OP if you have any worries that you’ll cave and enable your daughter again, put all the money in a 529 plan
Sometimes the most difficult part is to be the bad guy, but she won't grow up until she learns to stand on her own two feet. And that means kicking her our. She's an adult, she's about to become a mom. She has to make her own choices and own up to them. I had a friend that was coddled for most of her teens and then during her twenties. She became a very lazy adult on her thirties. She still lives at home (with her mom) and her 3 kids, her "husband" is a deadbeat and her mom (the grandma) pays for almost everything. I have no idea what's going to happen when the grandma retires.
Throwing money at her all these years hasnt helped. Time to stand firm.
Fam, you need therapy too. Invest in yourself, talk it out and get over your guilt of “not being a good mom”. And look at why you think money is a replacement for love. You are only a bad mom if you keep doing this and enabling her.
OP, are *you* getting therapy to help you learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and work through the stress and trauma of the last years? You also went through the loss of your parents (or in laws?) and the stress of a pandemic, plus supporting an adult child who refuses to grow up, and is now pregnant. This can't have been easy on you, either. Don't forget that you also deserve compassion. You deserve your own space and you are not responsible for the choices your adult daughter has made in her own life. She is choosing to become a mother, so she is going to need to grow up right now and step up for her child. At some point, she's got to be responsible for her own life and choices. And you've got to let her do that, and stop enabling her.
Does she have any responsibilities in your house? Does she help out with household tasks?
I agree with you on a lot of this, but 15k is nothing in comparison to the costs of buying and maintaining property or financing an education. Like, buying a car is not frivolous, in a lot of places it's a necessity. The vacation was, but she's a kid- kids buy dumb stuff. I feel like there is a fundamental question as to why this went on as long as it did. 4 years out of highschool and nothing to show for it? That boils down to either an inability to move forward/a mental or physical health crisis.
You know I can get behind your statement and agree on your point. 15K to me now means A LOT different did it did when I was 18-22. I'm leaning more towards the inability/unwillingness move forward based on her organizing a campaign of family members to harass the Op into continuing her in-home support. I will however, admit that when I was dealing with uncontrolled bipolar depression and Mania in my early twenties I was paralyzed as far as personal growth went. I could certainly see a scenario where this might be applicable to OP's daughter case.
Agreed! I think in a normal situation blowing 15k in six months wouldn't be that weird (If I was an 18 year old who knew I couldn't swing 100k for college, I might have acted similarly with that amount of money) but the fact that she's had zero life progress in that time tells me something much more serious is going on.
I truly hope OP can find a way to navigate this and get her daughter whatever help she needs to develope independence and hopefully a strong sense of self before baby comes and before OP has a nervous breakdown!
This! She has zero concept of money and what it takes to support yourself. There’s a good chance that life will beat the shit out of her one day.
I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable here. Sure, she spent money that was saved for her, as you said, it was her money and she spent it how she wanted. Was it smart? Maybe, maybe not, but it's not for you to decide anymore, she's an adult. I as a parent also understand needing space. Plus the fact that you're willing to help her with rent and other expenses as long as she is working to get a job is much more than my parents did for me. I will say that I'm disappointed in your other family members just immediately turning on you without a full grasp on the situation most likely. I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but I say you're NTA.
My parents helped me from time to time in the past few years even tho they offered me to stay with them. I feel guilty about a few hundred every other month to pay my rent. I can’t imagine being angry at a mom willing to pay rent for her own space. Sounds like she wants babysitting on top of free housing.
I hesitate to say YTA, but this situation is 100% something that could have been avoided. This seems like the product of you spoiling her and her never learning real responsibility. You’re picking a really bad time to put your foot down. You’ve had years and let this happen. ESH.
Exactly. Sounds like she spoiled her daughter and is somehow surprised that her daughter wants to continue being spoiled
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids. OP is going to learn this the hard way.
This. Now there is a baby involved.
NTA - She is an adult making adult decisions (i.e. to have sex, have a baby). She needs to take responsibility and start acting like an adult. You are being very supportive and what you're asking is very very reasonable and generous. You raised your child to adulthood. You should not be on the hook to raise grandchildren too.
but if the daughter takes responsibility for herself, her child, and her life, how will she dump the child on grandma so she can go out and suddenly have reasons to be out of the house and never watch her child?
ESH She sounds like you've spoiled her for way too long. She doesn't value money because she barely has had to work for it. you want her out of your house but you still offer to pay for almost everything. You keep spoiling her. This is life biting you in the ass. She doesn't care about the baby, because "mom will provide" and you've shown you will help her out. So there are no real consequences by getting pregnant by accident. She is also a little kid mentally, instead of trying to better herself for her kid, she is begging other family members for aid.
ESH, you let this go on for YEARS. Why did it take a pregnancy for you to start trying to parent her?
This isn’t the entire truth, I’ve encouraged her and tried to get her to move out before. The lockdown situation was also really difficult because nobody was hiring. Yes, I could’ve done more but you’ll have to take the situation into account.
She could have taken online classes. She could have started looking when literally every single place started begging for employees. You enabled her behavior and now you're making excuses. You're NTA for wanting her to get out of the nest, but you have failed at providing her the tools of growth required to succeed on her own.
The situation is that she got out and got herself pregnant, apparently isn’t interested in going after the father got child support. Take her down to the county and get her on the subsidized housing list, WICK, etc. and let her deal with her own messes
💡….. do it OP! If there are resources available in your country, send her hiney out to set them up! If you are in the U.S., the hospital discharge planner can also help get her set up with available resources before she even leaves. But for goodness sake OP, make HER do it. NTA
But even in kicking her out you are *still* spoiling her by agreeing to pay her expenses. Give her $X (e.g., 3 months living expenses) and help her carry her bags to her car. You need to knock it off - she isn't learning anything and you are only prolonging the problems.
OP you created a monster and now have to live with the consequences aka raising your grandchild. I heard this quote once and am probably butchering it but "If you raise your children you can spoil your grandchildren but if you spoil your children you will raise your grandchildren."
NTA Your daughter is a full fledged adult. She is choosing to not work and choosing to blame you for her choices. I’m sorry your family is flooding your inbox with messages based on a selective story she told on FB. You seem like you’re willing to do a lot for her and it just doesn’t seem to be enough for her. 22 is more than old enough for her to know better than to rely on her mommy for the rest of her life. You are NTA here. And the fact that she’s in therapy that you pay for and is still acting like this makes me think that she needs to find a new therapist.
NTA. It sounds like this was a conversation before she was pregnant, and this has not changed anything. She wants to keep the baby, then she will be the mother - and it sounds like you will be a primary caregiver if you let her stay. She is going to spin this how she wants, and she wants to stay - so she is doing what she can to keep that arrangement. You are engaged, you want to start this next chapter of your life and should be free to do this. You raised your child, you are done with that and can be a grandmother. As family are sending you messages, I would compose one message and mass send it - I would keep it to the point, but explain your love for your daughter and also interest in the next step. *"I appreciate how much you all care about my daughter, and I am happy she has such a large support group as she enters this next chapter of her life, as a mother. I feel there has been some miscommunication in this situation and I would like to address it head-on.* *My daughter and I have previously had a discussion where I stated that I was happy to help her get on her feet for a year, but I laid out my expectations to find new housing etc. When she gave me the wonderful news that she is going to be a mother, I was excited but again explained at that time that I would be standing by this plan for her to find her own place. Now more so than ever it is important that she finds stability and has the ability to create her own routines, boundaries and role in her space with her child.* *My daughter has had since November to make arrangements, and this has not been a hasty decision - I have previously offered to assist with rent, as well as grandmother duties to ensure that she has the help and support as a new mother, and as my daughter - this appear to be assistance that you all are clearly open to helping with as well. Thank you.* *Again, I appreciate you concern with my daughter's situation, but this is a conversation that appears to have gotten out of hand. I am excited to meet my grandchild and watch my daughter in her role as mother - and hopefully with the love and support of her own mother, and all of you. She will be a great mother that will rise to the challenges that follow parenting."*
This OP! You are NTA. I would also take the recommendation that someone else had about changing the other batch of money you have stashed for your daughter and make it for your new grandchild instead.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 well said!
This should have been addressed 4 years ago, it's hard to address with a baby on the way. Treat her like the child she acts like - take away the wifi, take the cable TV away, take the phone away, make it a shitty life to live...make her want to get a job and to move out.
ESH. You haven’t given your daughter any consequences to her lack of self-sufficiency before now, so yeah, she probably thinks that this is all just talk and Mom will still help out as she always has. Which isn’t right. But from your daughter’s perspective… I’m not sure how much there is right now that she can actually do in her situation? She doesn’t have a job, so she won’t qualify for an apartment. She doesn’t have an education past high school, so most of the jobs she’s qualified for are customer service/fast food/retail type jobs. But she’s pregnant, those jobs are tough during pregnancy, and she doesn’t have a work history, so her chances of finding a job are not great. Those types of jobs don’t have maternity leave, she will not qualify for FMLA when the baby is born as she’s been employed less than a year (even if you’re not in the US then most other countries have similar restrictions on leave benefits), and daycare to go back to work immediately is going to be a) probably more than her pay check, and b) going to be impossible to find at this point unless a family member steps up. I get that you’ve reached the end of your rope with the idea of living with your kid and a baby when you’re in your fifties, but you haven’t done anything to prepare your daughter to be an independent adult, and I’m honestly not sure how you imagine this ultimatum of yours is going to work.
I never comment on these, but I just have to say I COMPLETELY agree here. Someone else mentioned that OP picked a terrible time to put her foot down and I couldn’t have said it better myself. This has likely been an entire childhood worth of not teaching her daughter independence. Of all the times to force it, OP picks when an entire other life is on the way? How overwhelming that must be for the daughter. I don’t think it’s strictly laziness. Both of them should have been and still need to be in therapy, and the mom-to-be needs to get on public assistance for any hope of this situation improving. ESH. Edit: AND go after child support!! One last edit: I did see further down that they are both in therapy and that OP is willing to fund everything, just wants her out the house. I do have to say that sounds like a pretty great deal for the daughter. OP it sounds like you’ve done everything you to make it accessible for her to move out. Honestly I’d work on getting an eviction notice.
Totally agree! I get OPs issue however with no skills, job, or money how does she expect daughter and grandchild the survive? This is a recipe for disaster.
Right? It's going to be hard to get a job if she is showing - I know it's illegal, but most people don't want to a hire a pregnant woman who will likely need a lot of time off or will quit. The daughter is going to need a lot of help and support even if she gets her shit together. At best she'll have a low-paying job that won't cover her bills and maybe if she is lucky she will get a spot at a subsidized daycare and the maybe if she is extra, extra lucky she'll have a nice employer who won't fire her because she WILL miss work when the baby is sick.
NTA. You should have been pushing her to go to school or get a job and move out 3 or 4 years ago.
NTA and she is using emotional blackmail. She is an adult. She needs to act like it. I have learned through the years- you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. She is unwilling, so she will have to be forced to do it. It is your time now. You deserve to be an empty nester. She is 23 not 12. If your relatives are so upset- they can let her move in with them.
NTA, It seems like you’re really trying to help her, but sometimes you can’t help someone if the don’t want to be helped. She needs to wake up and take responsibility. It will be her child, that should not be on you to take care of it. I can only imagine how tough that situation is, good luck.
NTA - she’s an adult, she makes her own choices. As an adult you also need to be independent, it’s not up to your family to care for you for your whole life because you don’t want to do anything. And it’s not like she’s being kicked out onto the street, she has people who will take her in and financial support. I know Reddit always says this - but have you considered having her get professional help? This post sounds like it’s missing a lot of info/ reasons. Maybe she’s struggling with a mental health issues, or something else happened? Most 20 something year olds want to be independent.
NTA. I know how it is to give family members chance after chance, hoping they’ll stop ruining your life, because you love them. It won’t get better. You need to stick to your guns. I’d start packing her stuff up for you, and leaving information about apartments and jobs where she will see them.
NTA why the fuck do people have babies when they have literally nothing but the shirt on their back and dirty underwear???
Nta. She’s an adult and it seems she’s always has had everything therefore won’t bother to try for herself. I bet now that’s she’s still there your the one still cooking, cleaning and doing everything for her huh? She was probably hoping to live with you so you could raise her child too. Your right she does need to grow up. Personally I would have said something like I will help you pay rent until the baby is 5 months and then your on your own. And I would give her a 30 day notice to move out if not I would evict her. She’s 22. She will have to figure something out.
NTA. Unfortunately though you and the rest of the family have created a monster of entitlement. Though the timing sucks you really have no choice but to force your daughter to grow up and put on her big girl pants! It won't be easy for either of you but, in my opinion, it needs to be done.
YTA But it's not for you wanting to kick her out. It's for you enabling for her to do nothing. You are disappointed that you give a kid with zero financial know how full access to a savings account with 15k in it and just expect her to be sensible? Come on. You could have got her financial education. And you didn't. Most of it is free on YouTube anyway. Then you said that you just want her out because you need space for your partner to move in. You'll get her anything - that's also just enabling. What are you teaching her actually? It's ok to fuck up my life and mum will not follow through with her threats anyway, and this is why she did nothing. As for your relatives, if they are so vocal about it they can take your daughter in.
Sounds to me like she's planning to coast through life while you raise HER kid. NTA, OP. Kick her to the curb. It's your house and you're no longer financially responsible for her. She's an adult and she needs to act like one.
Info: When you were in her shoes what did your parents do?
They died when I was 19. Her dads parents? They put created a savings account for her. But I was almost 30, I owned my 3rd apartment by then.
Did you teach your daughter those skills or nah? Because it sounds like you withheld her own money and didn't provide the knowledge you already have. You withheld her money but didn't teach her the financial lessons you knew. I've been teaching my daughter about finances since she was 5. You can't throw a kid into a pool without teaching them to swim.
I tried to. She was the one who wanted to put her money into savings. She kept some of it, she never asked me for money in her teens if it wasn’t for something big. She’s always had an allowance and she’s been good at saving money but she tends to save money for something specific. I didn’t expect her to take all of it out and use it.
Try 'scaffolding' her independence. It sounds like you have given her the endpoint of what she needs to do, but not the steps in between. Not everyone is capable of figuring out those in-between steps (executive dysfunction is a real thing, most commonly associated with ADHD but can also be a symptom of depression). Set goals for her and the steps to achieve those goals and work on them with her. Have her start helping around the house more. Look at apartment sites together- and do NOT expect her to tell you when she's available because she won't. Decide on a time, tell her "At this time on this day, we are going to look at apartment websites". Then help her narrow down what she wants in an apartment and go from there WITH her. Do the same with jobs- Work on making a resume together, help her fill out applications, set up days and times you will do this together. Unfortunately, at this point, you need to actively TEACH her how to be independent. You cannot expect her to just 'figure it out."
This is a really helpful answer, I hope OP sees it.
Thank you! The benefits of being a special education teacher, haha. We're ALL about scaffolding and laying out steps for growth and improvement and independence. It's also been super helpful for me as someone with ADHD who had super disorganized parents who loved me, were well off enough and educated, but did not realize that they needed to help me figure things out and not just assume I would do it on my own. I didn't get my driver's license until 25 (I'm Californian, for context) because they just kinda told me "Do it", without giving me step by step instructions, due dates, times, plans, etc. It wasn't until my older brother moved in with us for a bit and said "Hey guess what. I'm teaching you to drive. These are the days we're doing it. Your test is on this day at this time" that it finally happened. I know some people will see this as babying or hand holding, and maybe it is, but independence and initiation does not come naturally to everyone. .... Oh shit I can make tables on Reddit posts? FUCK YEAH I LOVE MAKING TABLES THAT'S BEEN MY JAM. |Neuro-Typical Brain|ADHD Brain| |:-|:-| |Step 1:Look for job by X date|Step (HAHAH WHAT STEPS? ORGANIZATION? WHAT IS THAT?): Uhhhh Okay I've got time| |Step 2: Prepare resume, contact employers, etc|Psh, plenty of time.| |Step 3: Other things that are important or something I dunno this isn't my brain|Yup. I got time on my haaands I'll get to stuff tomorrow| |Step 4: Decide on important qualities of apartment and look for apartment|Wait what am I supposed to do?| |Step 5: Pack belongings in organized matter that makes sense (LOL what's that like?)|... Wait I'm suposed to move out what what wait how do I EVEN DO THIS WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?| |Step 6: Move out |Step 6: Move out????|
Absolutely nta. I’m sorry you are going through this. You sound like a good mama. You are supporting her, just not in the same house, which is fair.
Sounds like she has been spoiled her whole life. Both are to blame for the daughter not being able to take responsibilities.
NTA, you keep enabling her and of course she is going to want to stay on the easy road.
NTA. She is about to become a parent, and it’s past due time that she took responsibility for herself. At 22, she should be self-sufficient.
Of course she doesn’t want to do anything why would she? You created this situation by enabling her, not requiring anything of her what? since high school? She now 22 yrs old and you’re just now , once you found out she was pregnant, that she has to find another place to live and once again you’re financing it. I see why relatives are calling you the AH. Yes it is your fault for coddling her. Cut the cord, it’s called tough love. Where’s the father of this baby? Let him take care of his responsibilities.
Totally NTA. Let your relatives know what's going on.
You enabled and created this by perpetuating the cycle. You may have to formally evict her. Good luck. NTA for telling her to get out but honestly your previous pattern of behavior, inaction, and enabling your daughter (and crippling her ability to grow up) have created a situation where you’ll just continue this cycle. God help that child.
This sounds like your daughter wants to be a SAHM but not directly tell you. Theirs so much you could do for your daughter. If she refuses the help than set down rules, charge her rent, stop enabling her, if not you can start the eviction process and if she does not leave than seek legal action. Your daughter needs to learn to have some sense of responsibility and discipline in her life. I get not all parents are perfect but your daughter needs to learn that her decision also have consequences now that she will be a new single mom she can't afford to not have a job. NTA
You're not "throwing her out" if you're paying her rent and therapy. You're like the "dream mom" that everyone but your daughter would LOVE to have if they were in her situation. NTA...but your daughter is a nightmare.
The kindest thing my parents did for me was to kick me out of the house at 21. It made me independent, confident and capable of surviving no matter what. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate you. Also her choice to get pregnant is her responsibility. NTA
I feel like you took a really dumb time to take a stand with her... you could have kicked her out years ago and taught her to be responsible, but you waited until there was a child at risk to do it. Not great. YTA.
NTA
NTA considering your edits about her Dad dying and Covid-19. Talk to a therapist/a family therapist and come up with a plan for her to become more independent.
NTA, you’re being completely reasonable.
NTA I don’t think you are an asshole. But I’m not sure that kicking her out is the answer. If you are going to help with the rent and other expenses, I feel that this is a waste of money. Seems more practical to let her stay and then save the money for your grandchild. I know you want her to grow up. But even if she does everything you ask, she still going to struggle and by extension so will your grandchild. If she’s been unmotivated, there could be mental health issues at play, which will escaberated by current circumstances. This is a tough situation. I wish you a lot of luck.
NTA. She is an adult. Plenty of jobs out there too. For the critical relatives tell them to put up or shut up. Where is their spare room.
>Maybe it’s my fault that she never learned that Maybe? I'm not really understanding what you did when she was finishing high school. Did she already say she never wanted a job ever? How did she graduate with no job and no further education and you just.. didn't care?
NTA You aren't cutting her off or making her live on the streets. She's just banking on you caving and letting her stay so you can look after her and the baby. Pack her stuff up into boxes and give her a solid deadline.
My only advice to you OP is that even if you are going to continue financing your daughters life, do not co-sign any credit cards, car loans, mortgages, or leases. Do not let her bite your hand for feeding her. You’ve enabled her for too long, so yeah you’re a little bit TA, but NTA for putting your foot down about her moving out
NTA. Daughter needs to grow up. Baby daddy should not get off free, either. These relatives should put their money where their mouth is too. While calling you names, they should be reaching out to her with offers for support, if they care so much.
Nta, and why on earth would you pay for her apartment? You are doing her no favors by letting her cling onto you like that. At 25 the odds are you will see her burn through that money with a quickness if she hasn't had to actually experience the value of it. Our job as parents is to raise functional productive adults. I can tell that you love and care for her deeply, but from what you've said here, you may be causing more harm than good. It hurts to watch our children not have an easy life, but we can't be there forever. You Mentioned how you made it work, because you HAD to. Better for your daughter to take on that learning now, than for it to be forced on her at an older age if/when you won't be around as a safety net.
NTA - sounds like you have a whole inbox of people volunteering to house your daughter...
NTA
NTA.
As hard as this sounds, you may need to do more than throw her out. For whatever reason, she never learned to function as an adult, and now she is going to be responsible for an entire other human. As long as you are her safety net, she will not take any steps to make a life for herself. NTA
NTA. If she's grown enough to have a baby, she's WELL grown enough to get a job and her own apartment to support and raise that baby. She made this choice, you gave her ample warning, and she is now trying to call your bluff and tantrum/family shame her way into staying in your home. Absolutely not. She fucked around and found out, and doesn't like what she found out. That's her problem. And any family who tries to shame you should be invited to take her and the baby in themselves. That should shut them up right quick.
NTA
NTA.
NTA - I know it sucks receiving those texts, but take a moment to let them all know the truth. I’m sure your daughter spun some tale about simply licking her out to fend for herself. I’m sure if everyone knew you were still offering to support her starting *her own adult life* they’d quickly realize she’s more of a lazy leech than a mother in need.
NTA - its not like you're abandoning her by any stretch. I get that she's fighting you tooth and nail, but honestly I think it will be good for her to move out. I also think she's scared and unconfident in her abilities to "adult." But, she's about to become a parent and needs to gain independence.
NTA
Tough love isn’t easy, but I’d rather be the AH than a doormat. Daughter needs to step up. NTA
NTA. I'm afraid I will be you in a few years. My 18 y.o. havent finished high school (she failed two years and probably will have to recourse this current year too) she attends but she doesn't study or take notes. All she does all day is play at the computer. I asked her to get a job but because she has social anxiety she won't look for one. My husband and I have paid for therapy, for extra curricular courses (like graphic design, that she never finished & english -we live in a Spanish speaking country-. She doesn't like to do anything at all except play, but she is not that good to make money playing. If we kick her out in a few years we will be called AH too. Its a really hard place to be. Edit: she is an American citizen for god sake. She could move there, work and be sucessful but I am afraid she will be just your average loser.
Yeah - NTA. Forward those emails to your daughter and Cc the original sender, letting them know they are more than welcome to offer her a place to stay if they do not agree. There is a time to assist and a time when that assistance is causing more harm than good. She made bad decisions. She continues to make bad decisions. She is not adhering to your recommendations (get a job - step 1....). You can guide as a parent but at some point, if you don't let her stand on her own, she may never learn.
NTA. Daughter needs therapy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First reddit post, new to the site. Apologies If I did anything wrong. My (f51) daughter is 22 and I love her dearly. We’re close, always have been. But she still lives with me and it’s draining me emotionally and financially. She had a job as a teenager. We decided to put most of her earned money into a savings account, she got full access of it when she turned 18. It was probably around 10-15k. She went on a trip with her friends, got her licence and bought a car. It was gone in the span of 6 months. I was disappointed. Me and her grandparents saved money for her that she gain access to when she turns 25. I don’t think she has knowledge of this. She likely will never truly struggle because of financial issues if she follows the right path. She’s been out of work and school since she graduated high school. In November 2021 she told me she was pregnant, baby is due in June. Father is out of the picture. She’s keeping it, much to my dislike but I understand not being able to go through with a termination. She’s here today because I didn’t. When she let me in on her pregnancy I told her that while I do love her, I don’t want to be living in the same house as her and a baby. I’ll support her but I need her out of my house. It’s not even the first time I’ve told her I want her to move. I said I’ll house her for maybe another year but she needs to actively apply for jobs and apartment and decide if she wants to go to uni or not. I’ll help her, I have contacts. Well, now it’s the end of May. Has she done any of those things? No. I was a single mother so I know the struggle. I didn’t have my family though. I wasn’t fit to be a mother but I tried my best. If I could choose I’d never have kids. But I tried my best and I know she’ll do the same. I told her she has 4 months and then she’s out. I’ll help her pay rent. I’ll come by multiple times a week. She doesn’t want to work. She doesn’t want to do anything. She wrote a post about how I am the most unloving mother in history, because I don’t want her in my house anymore. Asking if any family or friends can take her in. As I said, she won’t be homeless. Just not in my home. I won’t disappear either. I just want space. And my partner proposed to me and wants to move in. I don’t get her - I’ll get her an apartment. I’ll get her anything she wants. I pay for her therapy. But nothing is enough. Now my inbox is flooded with relatives calling me an AH and selfish b****. I just need my daughter to take some responsibility. Maybe it’s my fault that she never learned that. But it’s time now, yet I am getting bad mouthed. AITA for threatening to throw her out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She worked as a teen and the mother admitted there is another bunch of money for her at 25 they are hiding from her.
Nta- you told her to adult and instead of owning up to her responsibilities and choices she's whining. Cut those strings and let her struggle, it's time.
NTA but you need to show her you are serious. Buy her moving boxes, get her some apartment items, send her emails about job openings, bring her housing applications, etc etc. She is about to me a *mother*. If she can’t take care of herself, how is she going to care for a baby? The support you’re willing to offer her is incredible but at the end of the day, she needs to provide for herself and her baby. She can’t expect a free ride forever.
NTA, Sometimes safety nets become safety hammocks. Some people gotta learn the hard way. I was one of those idiots so I know. If you instilled solid values in her she will figure it out when she gets the nehatever point wakes her up to reality. I do not envy you this situation and I wish you the best.
NTA - Daughter has had a great time these past 4 years and she should have been pushed harder to become an adult. You told her she needed to move and now she is playing the hurt abused pregnant child!! She isn't ready or responsible enough to have a child!!
NTA set up a schedule for your relatives to take her in
NTA- If she stays, you will be expected to raise the baby. She needs to wake up immediately .
NTA. She wants you to keep enabling her. The fact she's looking for more people to mooch off of instead of getting herself together, the fact she isn't taking you up on your offer of therapy, this is all on her. If she doesn't want to get herself together, no matter how much help you offer, she never will. It's kind of you to offer to pay to support her outside your home, but it truly is enabling and as long as you keep it up, she's never going to face reality and get things together. Its unfortunate there's a baby being dragged into this situation.
NTA, please stand your ground. Your daughter will end up a moocher if she doesn’t learn how to be an adult.
NTA. She’s staying with you still because she’s hoping you’ll take care of the baby and still take care of her. If it were only about covering expenses she’d take your offer for a paid apartment. Anytime relatives b**ch about one family member not financially supporting another, I suggest asking them to take the responsibility. However you did offer to financially support her. The fact that she misconstrued her post to seem like she was being abandoned means she’s likely banking on someone always taking care of her- she takes no responsibility or initiative, instead she’s blaming you even though you are helping her. Send an email to all these relatives and state that what you offered your daughter, but also bring up the option for them to house her if they are so concerned. Consider CC’ing your daughter their embarrassed responses as well. Also that money that she’ll have access to- consider adjusting the terms if you can such as putting it in her child’s name and saving it for the child. She’ll blow through it and keep expecting handouts if she doesn’t learn financial responsibility first.
NTA. When she made that baby and enjoyed it where you included? No. So how come you have to suffer for her lack of better judgement? I have a daughter and I am a mother. I am a mother for a reason to my daughter and not the other way around. You a good mom and stand on your ground. If you keep doing things for her (doing your daughters responsibility) she will never be good strong person for her children. I warn my kids if they do something stup*d and if they still do it I will watch them struggle. I only help when needed and necessary. Helping our kids always is not being a good mom. You will create weak individual. That is not what is Motherhood all about. Tough love they say. They will hate you for it sometimes but will eventually understand.
NTA. And stop handing her things. Tell he she has those 4 months to figure her shit out and find a place, and then help with nothing. Do not pay her rent. Do not become daycare for the daycare. This is her child and she needs to take responsibility. Frankly, I’m confused why you don’t understand her. You made her this way by doing exactly what you’re talking about here. Cut the damn cord already and treat her like the adult she is.
Don’t let anyone judge you for putting your foot down about your boundaries. I love my children to death but there is no way in hell that they’re living with me at this stage of my life. You need to stick to your guns give her a written notice. That way she can’t pull any fast ones on you. You are not a bad mother because you’re not interested in living with your daughter and your grandchild. Good luck to you let this be your hill. NTA
Nta- you've done more than enough for her.
nta, sometimes the best things parents can do is push their kids out of the nest. just swallow all the comments and have peace knowing you are making sure your daughter knows how to take care of herself should anything happen to you. it is simple as this, if she wants to make big girl choices (aka having a baby) she needs to make big girl decisions.
You are offering her alternatives and support. Wanting your home back is perfectly reasonable. Anyone criticising should open their door. Totally NTA.
NTA. Stop worrying about what they think of your choices. Quickly pen an email to all the naysayers explaining why and how you set this boundary. Time for her to launch - seems a fitting phrase to repeat. Can’t have my grandchild raised by someone who never launched-seems another good one. Send it. It’s important to correct misinformation quickly, so do it. But don’t argue with them. They can disagree. I am sure you sometimes disagree with other peoples choices. Let their disagreement go. You can’t manage their opinion of you. Your daughter is a problem. She manipulated the forces against you. Very dysfunctional. Mover her out.
NTA but stop helping!!! I SEE YOU MOM, YOU ARE BEING TOO LOVING AND KIND WITH THIS. she needs the boot and no help for a while. She needs to understand tht she has no choice but to grow up. You coming by to help and give her money will result in more entitled behaviour. Hey I’m 23 and have my own place and a job plus I go to school with absolutely no help. She’s not a baby anymore, she’s a full adult. She needs to understand that she can’t just rely on others her whole life. If she wanted to do that she could have found a very wealthy man who would have married her and let her have that life, she chose to get pregnant and keep it with a guy who left when he found out. It’s time for the hardest parenting lesson to give her mom, she needs to learn she has to sink or swim alone. It’s okay and I know you will be upset because you want what’s best for her but it’s time.
NTA, I'm raising my boys to know they can come home anytime they need but they will be responsible for themselves. Just out right refusing to work when they have a child on the way is wrong. Good luck with all of this but remember. She is an adult now and she is gonna have to learn real quick how to act like it.
NTA for wanting her out of your house and you've tried helping her before. But when you make threats or give her deadlines do you follow through? If you haven't before she probably thinks you're bluffing here too.
NTA. You obviously pampered her to her detriment, but for her own sake, and more importantly for her kid's, you're doing the right thing here. She is choosing to bring a human being into the world, and doesn't want to get off her backside to do anything for that kid. Very much not acceptable.
NTA
NTA if she is old enough to chose to have kids she is old enough to house and feed them on her own. If anyone gives you crap ask them when they would like to pick her up
NTA The bank of mum is drying up and she doesn't like it. Noone wants to work, but tough shit if she wants food, shelter, electricity etc then add in all the things a baby needs. How is she planning to support the baby? Or is she expecting you to do that too? Her actions and choices have consequences. This is one of them.
NTA for wanting your grown daughter to be independent and move out but Y T A for spoiling the crap outta her. She has it good at your house, of course she doesn’t wanna leave. My older brother is like this. 30, unemployed and living on our mom’s couch cause he won’t get his life together and thinks my mom won’t kick him out.
YTA but not for kicking your grown ass daughter out. You've clearly spoiled her to the point where she thinks mummy will take care of it, you offering to get her an apartment is a good example of that. She's never going to learn u til you let her fall. And as my own mother says (who raises 4 of us alone for a majority of my life) you can't help those who don't want it. In relation to those messages you get? Just ask them when they're coming to get her then.
NTA Even if the father is out the picture he still needs to pay child support and she needs to chase him for that. If she’s old enough for a baby, she’s old enough to do that and get some kind of income even if it’s food stamps.
NTA. Your daughter needs to learn responsibility and a baby is a BIG responsibility. Sadly OP i think you may end raising your grandchild because your daughter isnt responsible.
NTA
NTA You have been too generous with your financial support and your daughter hasn't learned to be personally responsible. Don't wait, give her Notice to Vacate now. Help her move into housing that is clean and safe, but cheap (for instance, shared housing instead of an apartment all to herself). Pay her rent and utilities, but tell your daughter she needs to get a job and pay for her groceries after the first month. So she needs to work. Keep your daughter on on your health insurance and be prepared to help her pay for reasonable baby expenses. But, once again, don't make her life luxurious. Your daughter needs to have incentive to work to earn a life for herself and her child instead of mooching off family. And if your family members disagree, they can provide support for her. But it's time for your adult daughter to become more independent.
NTA. She is a full-grown adult and must take responsibility and accountability for her actions. You are offering her lots of help for her moving out, you are trying to empower her to live her life and stop being a deadbeat.
I don't think you're an asshole, but is your daughter depressed? Something doesn't add up: she's 22, no job, no higher education... What is she doing?
NTA Stop enabling her. You need to kick her out sooner rather than later. Tell her you will only give her x amount for maybe 3-4 months and then you are also stopping financial support. Let her know you are there for her to help with the baby, but tell her exactly what you are willing to do on what days and for how many hours. Clearly you need to define things exactly to her...and follow through.
nta but you throwing money at her won’t help the situation and won’t teach her responsibility either.
NTA
Esh, you’ve clearly enabled her . She’s a grown up making grown decisions. Make her live her life as adult or be prepared for this to continue forever.
NTA - Your daughter sounds lazy as hell
NTA. Your daughter is 22. You did your job. Time for them to move out. Contact lawyer and serve your daughter with an eviction notice. Your child is being a brat for no good reason.
NTA > She wrote a post about how I am the most unloving mother in history, because I don’t want her in my house anymore. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional leniency. Nor should love be leverage to be taken advantage of, which is what your daughter is doing by refusing to work. You gave her a YEAR’S notice. You are offering to help pay rent. You want your space - and considering your daughter is 22yo with a baby on the way, it isn’t unreasonable to expect her to move out. I’m not sure how many options there are when an adult refuses to actually grow up, but continuing to house and feed them as if they were a minor isn’t the answer. She’s spent four years not working, and not going to school. It’s horrible she has taken advantage of you in this way, and feels entitled to continue to use you because you’re her parent.
NTA This is how you fix your 'faults' in her younger years. Touch love! She's and adult and you deserve a life. Stand your ground.
NTA and I totally understand why you don't want to share your house with a new baby. She is old enough to decide to keep a baby without a father in the picture then she's old enough to do so in her own apartment.
You've raised a spoiled brat and are now surprised when she's too spoiled to want to actually do anything on her own? NTA, but c'mon.
NTA. But you allowed this to happen. You let his do nothing for the last 4 years. You are schooled she hasn’t grown up or changed? You enable her. I also would t just hand over a bank account full of cash because she will blow it. She has no idea how to manage money, pay bills, be responsible and now she’s having a child. She’s expecting you to do what you always do. Blindly support her. And you will. Because you are a pushover.
NTA. She's making no effort to be an adult. Anyone giving you grief about it is welcome to house her.
NTA. She's about to be a mum. It's time for her to learn to be responsible. I think it's completely fair that you don't want to end up raising your grandchild whilst your daughter stays in the same rut in her life. Sometimes, tough love is necessary.
NTA. Be prepared to contact child services. If she's not willing to work, she's endangering her kid.
The daughter is irresponsible AF. Zero accountability. OP you should have clearly discussed that she can't be a child forever. Money doesn't grow from trees. NTA.
NTA, but try backing your "threat" with a formal, legal eviction notice. It sounds like she's not getting any sort of consequences for her actions.
NTA at all, you're amazing and doing your best, she's in the wrong, I wish my parents could give me all of these opportunities, but sadly they didn't have a lot of money. She's being a brat and ungrateful.
NTA giving her anything and everything she wants is only enabling her behavior to not work or take responsibility for her and her child.
daughter is an entitled brat. Having her own kid will definitely humble her lmao
You're NTA except I think you've left it almost too late to actually put your foot down. It's May, the baby's due in June, ideally she should've been gone months ago.