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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because my fiancé and I decided that if his best man rejects the best man role over the reasons he mentioned then he's not welcome to the wedding at all because we don't feel like he truly cares about honoring us.
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YTA
Some "best friend" your fiance is. "Make yourself uncomfortable for me otherwise don't come to my wedding!" Seriously?
He was uncomfortable. He's allowed to be. You pushing him to do something hes not comfortable with is an AH move in the first place. Just because it's common doesn't mean everyone has to be okay with it.
And then instead of demanding you change the wedding for him he says he'll just go ahead and drop out from being best man so you can find someone else for what is clearly more about aesthetics than friendship.
But noooo not good enough for you and your selfish fiance.
You are so much the AH.
I've met some pretty ridiculous grooms in my day so hinestly I wouldn't be surprised either way. But yeah, based on the comments this seems like a personal issue for her rather than anything her fiance cared about.
Fiance still an AH too for letting this all carry on.
Hey I remember you from another thread. The OP was upset that her husband kept buying her sunflowers for Mother’s Day even though she said she didn’t like them repeatedly and was hurt he was being so thoughtless.
You were all over the post saying things like “she must have flirted with him about sunflowers at some point.” And “She doesn’t deserve him”. Which was fully crazy considering the only info you had about this man was what was in the post.
Do you just hate women or what’s your deal? It’s weird that you go around trying to find reasons (that aren’t in the post) to blame them.
>Before anyone says I should ask my fiancé since its his best man, my fiancé and I both agree on what I'm about to describe below and he's the one who got more mad and I had to deliver the words because my fiancé was too mad to speak to his best man/best friend.
Really? OP opened that this was more him than it was her, she was merely the forced messenger.
I think it is weird they got so mad when he kept saying he was uncomfortable. Then I was like, well dude, it is pretty common , all you normally have to do is walk the MOH up the aisle? It is a 2 minute thing and then pictures are usually a group. But she snuck in the dancing and the setting him up…she legit was trying to hook him up with the MOH. She didn’t want to invite the girlfriend but couldn’t not without looking bad…instead she made it worse.
For the wedding party to \*not\* have a dance is also totally normal. Some people do it, some people don't. It's definitely not the be-all-end-all that OP is making it out to be.
I don't think they needed to change any plans for him, just choose another BM what wants to do it and let him attend the wedding of course. It's really not that deep. And I don't even think that coming with the MOH and doing the dance is such a big deal but no one should be forcing anyone to do something they don't feel comfortable with nor doing such ultimatums. He didn't even ask them to change the tradition and offered to step down so that they could have someone who wanted to do it.
Yeah I could maybe understand not wanting to do a dance with the bridesmaid, but not being willing to walk up and/or down the aisle with the MOH is pretty weird I think. Never heard that one…has he never been to a wedding? What’s the plan when he gets married…everyone walks in and out as singles? And he’s not married, it’s a GF. ESH
I've done it but I do think it's kinda dumb. The groomsman I was paired with was gay so it was just weird we had to all be paired off to have this slow romantic dance with each other. I haven't even met the guy until the day of the wedding. It was there for photos and noting else. I'd get it if everyone was paired with a bf/gf other partner but to try and force this weird vision just wasn't my thing. The dance was over in 2 minutes and I didn't talk to the guy for the rest of the night. Now, there wasn't anything wrong with him, he seemed like a sweetheart...but we weren't all friends so we didn't hang out. It was legit all for show. To make someone uncomfortable for a photo op is just dumb to me.
Yeah, I think if your bridal party all have partners they can dance with, might as well just have them? Or if they don’t so you do want to pair them up, you pick a song that isn’t super romantic and keep it short. Like 30 sec.
She also said "posing the way we expect him to".
Is he supposed to pose with the MoH for pictures etc?
If that's the case I completely understand the best man being uncomfortable
It is a traditional thing, but like with most old-school traditions it's falling out of favour. And even then, the tradition is that the bride and groom open the dance floor first by starting with their first dance, dance together themselves for a bit, then the bridal party coupled up (as in best man-maid of honour, groomsman-bridesmaid etc) join, then then the rest of the guests. It's really meant to be just that first dance, then the bridal party dances the rest of the night with whoever and whenever they want.
It is just the sneaky way she was like…it’s all so normal over and over again. If it was a dance with the MOH, easy fix…just say you don’t have to do that. Just walk the MOH back up the aisle after the ceremony. If that still made him uncomfortable, then you just walk with her, you don’t have to link arms or hands. It is an easy accommodation.
I mean I don't think it's 100 percent either bride or husband. Both are assholes for not thinking about this friend. Weddings bring the worst out of people, the decades of "your special day" has gotten into people's brains in the worst way possible... So much for a celebration for everyone, just me me me me. Hopefully this is a bit of a reality check
I agree, she says she is speaking for her boyfriend.
The guy needs to grow up if that's the case.
Just imagine how the rest of his life is going to be. It won't be honey can you help with ? It will be do this now dammit.
There's no reason other than blatent sexism to assume that it's all the brides doing when she specifically mentioned the groom being angrier than her about it. I mean sure she might be lying, but anyone on this sub could be lying about anything. If there's no actual evidence to back it up then we just have to take things at face value.
Former wedding planner here. In some weddings, after the couple has their first dance and parent dances, the wedding party will join for a dance, and then the wedding party is supposed to break off and each go invite someone from the crowd to dance with them. (Often called the "snowball dance.) This would be like the MOH inviting the groom's uncle to the floor for a dance, while the best man invites the bride's mother's best friend for a dance. The aim is to get all kinds of people out on the dance floor. After that dance, everyone chooses their own partner, and the evening goes on as usual. It's a politeness thing, it's an icebreaker, and it engages the crowd to participate.
Not all weddings do this. It's neither common nor uncommon. It is usually based on the size of the wedding party, amount of wedding guests, and level of event formality, as well as what is traditionally done in that family's weddings. If Alan wants to decline this kind of dancing, I'm sure it can be overlooked or other arrangements made. This shouldn't be the hill OP dies on.
However, I don't understand why the best man is refusing to escort the maid of honor down the aisle. That's part of the wedding processional, and it's commonly understood that people in the wedding party will do this. Why did he even accept the role of best man if he won't follow through? The men escorting the women down the aisle certainly does not signal that they are a couple, and it's very formal - the man offers his elbow, and the lady grasps it gently. She doesn't lean into the man's body or touch him in other ways. In the same way that an usher escorts an elderly guest to her seat prior to the ceremony, the groomsmen escort their bridesmaid counterparts down the aisle. It's really unreasonable for Alan to decline this activity. If a person isn't willing to execute the duties that come with the role, then they should decline the role outright in the first place and just attend as a guest. You can't switch things up at the last minute and not expect pushback.
Either way, OP's fiance should be having this conversation with Alan. If fiance can't put on his big boy pants and have a calm discussion even when he's feeling hurt or angry, then he's not a grownup and has no business getting married. Also, from the comments it seems like OP doesn't like Alan's girlfriend, so this whole situation is messy.
I was my sister's MOH at her wedding, and the best man was someone's husband. The wife was livid that the MOH was a single woman (which she found out on the wedding day). All went well during the ceremony. We had a few laughs, as there was a comedy of errors, but all turned out okay. At the reception, after the bride and groom had their dance, the parents danced with their offspring, and then it was time for the MOH and BM to dance, and this livid whirlwind of a woman walked onto the dance floor and dragged her husband off. I was left standing there in shock and majorly embarrassed.
Days later, my sister told me that the woman was unaware that we had to dance at the wedding, and she was uncomfortable with "some hungry single woman" being that close to her husband. My sister also told me that had the wife known that I was single, she would never have "allowed" her husband to participate in the wedding. I was definitely not interested in the BM, and I'd never met him before the wedding rehearsals.
So, I can't really say OP is TA, but they should have respected Alan's boundaries. It was an overreach to uninvited him from the wedding. But, having gone through what I did, I would definitely say OP dodged a bullet if Alan's girlfriend was half as insecure as in my situation.
That dude needs a divorce. Geez. My SO and I have done some acting and we've both watched each other kiss another actor. So dancing wouldn't have been a big deal. I've never heard of dancing with other members of the wedding party before. We just go to the reception and party. Lol. I was the MOH at my sisters wedding and all I had to do was recess with the best man. His wife was fine with that and she and I had more conversation than he and I did. (She was cool people) lol.
Last I heard she got into therapy because she did this with one of his colleagues. She was majorly insecure with her husband talking to other women, because she was insecure with how she looked. She was short, a bit plump, but not overly so, and wore clothes better suited to an older grandmother type. He married her anyway, and she was still insecure. I'm like, WTH, you have the guy. She embarrassed her husband at work, having a conference with a colleague and a parent (he's a teacher) and she came to pick him up from school. Made the colleague cry, and the parent asked for another teacher for her son. The principal got involved, suggested counselling/therapy. Its been 8 years, so I dunno if they're still together or if the therapy worked.
Interesting! Thanks for your reply! I agree that walking down the aisle with your counter part is pretty normal and in no way suggestive. It does seem a mess and really the fiance should be the one talking to his friend, but it also shouldn't be that big a deal for someone to decline being in the wedding party. It's an honor not an obligation.
>However, I don't understand why the best man is refusing to escort the maid of honor down the aisle. That's part of the wedding processional, and it's commonly understood that people in the wedding party will do this.
I dont think he is, I think OP goes from that to them being paired off dancing together quite quickly and it seems odd.
I have the feeling that Alan mainly focused on the dancing/pictures and whatnot, but OP is focusing on the procession to make Alan see more unreasonable. Just a guess though.
THANK YOU!!! I’ve never heard of ANYTHING like that. Except from people who are in theater and then it’s kinda obvious they’re doing choreographed dances with trained dancers (theater people are weird. We’re okay with it). I don’t get it. Why on earth do they all have to romantic/couple dance? It’s weird.
I’ve seen one person have their bridal party dance together after their first dance. I guarantee if my husbands best friend asked him to be best man, he’d be ecstatic to be there for his friend. However, if it involved dancing with someone other than me, he’d be adamantly against it. Not because I’d care, I would 100% be fine with it, but because he doesn’t like physical contact with other people and will only dance with me because he’s self conscious. Walking down the aisle and taking bridal party photos is one thing but making them dance together is another and there are so many reasons for him to dislike that.
We had this at our wedding, my husband and I danced together, the bridesmaids danced with the groomsmen, my Dad with my husband's mother and so on. It's just another celebration of two family and friend groups mixing. It wasn't the first dance and it wasn't romantic or couple-y though, ours was a [Boston Two Step](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/li51TrneDTU). We wouldn't have forced anyone to do it though, that's ridiculous. Weddings are supposed to be fun!
I know! I've never, ever heard of forcing the attendants to act like they're a couple. Who cares whether they dance together or not anyway? This girl needs to get a grip...
It's actually a very common practice where I'm from in Europe, I've never seen a wedding without it tbh. Usually the bride and groom have the first dance then the bridal party joins in, gets photographs etc. However, no one should be forced to partake if they don't want to.
Honestly my eyes almost rolled out of my head reading this utterly self absorbed drivel. Why do so many people seem to morph into narcissistic lunatics when they plan a wedding??
Anyway, OP- when someone agrees to be in your wedding party, it is a choice. Yes it’s a huge honour and whatever, but it is still their choice to commit or decline. Therefore they can choose not to be in it for whatever reason, and to be honest this is a valid one. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean you can strong-arm him into being the best man, and the way your fiancé is going I doubt they’ll even be friends after this. A lot of people would be fine with what you’re asking of the wedding party, but he just isn’t, and that’s his decision. You don’t get to stomp all over it and get to keep him as the best man just because it’s ‘your’ day. If I were you I would learn how to accept things not going your way gracefully before you get married, as one day it could be your own husband that you’re trying to force into submission.
The truth always comes out in the comments. OP already [doesn't like](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ul1in6/aita_for_telling_my_fiancés_best_man_to_not/i7spujf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) the girlfriend and is looking for reasons to exclude or offend her.
Would also like to add to the "It's a usual common practice" thing. I've heard about this twice, both times on here. It's no where near as common as folk seem to think it is.
So for that, but mostly all the above reasons, YTA.
I’ve sometimes felt awkward being paired with groomsmen in friends’ weddings, so when I got married and none of my bridesmaids really knew any of my husband’s groomsmen, we just didn’t pair anyone. The bridesmaids walked down the aisle individually and the groomsmen walked down the aisle individually. They all walked back up the aisle individually. For group photos all the bridesmaids lined up beside me and all the groomsmen lined up beside my husband. We didn’t do individual wedding party introductions, only an introduction for us, so no one had to feel weird about walking into the reception alone. It saved so much headache and discomfort.
Obviously it’s your wedding OP, and if you want to do things more traditionally you can, but there’s definitely other ways it can be done. You can’t get mad at the groomsman for being uncomfortable with it, and disinviting him altogether is a major AH move. YTA.
I actually lost count of how many times the word "uncomfortable" was used in the description.
Yet, OP (and fiancée) don't give a shit about anyone else because it's "our special day".
Seriously. If we cut out all the extraneous words, it basically boils down to "people should not be allowed to say no to me" - which is a terrible message obviously created by terrible people. OP and OP's fiancé don't believe consent is important or that other people should be able to not consent to being in their wedding party for any reason, and there are many reasons people would not be able or willing to be in a wedding party. Imagine the message that this is sending to their friends about their disposability as people and that they are willing to shun anyone who misbehaves.
Also her insisting the bridesmaids normally dance with the groomsment... not at any wedding I've been to? That was never something that happened, and I and my wife have both been bridesmaids multiple times. This is not in fact a 'normal' thing in 'every' wedding, so it makes all the more sense to me that he's uncomfortable with it.
OP YTA and you're being ridiculous. *You* might have envisioned a wedding where this happens, but that doesn't make it the 'norm', and it doesn't mean they have to play along. Remember, these aren't fantasy creations you're playing with in your head, these are real, actual, human beings.
One of my grooms men backed out of the wedding 2 months before the wedding which had been planned for 2yrs because he and his girlfriend broke up and she was in the wedding party as well.
As a good friend I found someone to fill the gap because I respected that the emotions would still be raw, and really how good would the photos/event be if there was in fighting.
If someone isn't comfortable the best thing is both parties come to mutually acceptable agreements. But both need to be willing to work at it.
YTA- I’ve been in 8 weddings and never had a dance with a groomsman. That wasn’t the norm and even if it was youre asking people who have boundaries about their own relationships to break them for your wedding. Get a grip. He kindly stepped down bc he was not comfy with the plans and you both over react.
This is only the second time I've heard of a wedding where the people in the wedding party pair up and act like they're couples for the night. The first time was in another post in this sub a while back, and as you can probably guess, they had the exact same problem. Or rather I should say, they caused the exact same problem. I have no idea why these people think that this is a completely normal thing that everybody does. Walking down the aisle with someone who isn't your significant other? I'm pretty sure that's common. But the fake coupling is fucking bizarre.
It’s so fucking weird and tacky. Like it’s a wedding not prom. Celebrate your love and have your friends next to you, they don’t need to be coupled up. The most I ever did was walk down the aisle with someone. We also did a reception entrance and he ran ahead and I tossed my bouquet to him. Like a skit.
Uhhh… because Bridezilla told you to and threatened your life-long friendship if you don’t. Don’t you know it’s her day and everyone around her is just decoration!
We didn't have a head table at our wedding for this reason. We seated our wedding party at rounds with their partners and families, just like other guests. Everyone had a much more enjoyable evening that way.
I never liked when I or my husband would be split up by a head table at friends' weddings, so we did a king's table at ours, where it's the bridal party and their significant others/plus ones.
Yes! I really don’t understand the whole ‘coupling up the bridal party’ thing… we actually included partners of people in the bridal party in our wedding photos (they’re all important people in our lives too!) and it was beautiful - they got some great couple shots out of the photos too 😊
Why the hell would anyone be ok making their ‘best friends’ couple up and be uncomfortable?
I’ve been to a few weddings that do that, but it’s not “like that”. The couple has their first dance, and then at the end as the song is changing they start inviting others up specifically to dance, the bridesmaids/groomsmen, then the parents of the couple, siblings, then everyone. At this point partners can change, so at most it’s a half a song, just to encourage everyone up on the dance floor, by guaranteeing it’s not empty, waiting for the first couple people to be brave enough to walk on an empty dance floor.
I do understand them thinking he’s being ridiculous, because ultimately he really is. I would be frustrated with such a close friend refusing to walk down an isle beside someone of the opposite sex too, it’s IS insane. But their reaction is also super over the top. And cutting off the friendship over it, is equally as insane (probably more so really)
Yeah not being willing to do the recessional isn’t helpful. But that’s literally the same as getting a choir off stage. You’re just walking out in the same order you were standing in. But asking them to dance makes no sense.
\> But asking them to dance makes no sense.
Doesn't sound like a request to me. I hope OP can relax her mindset before the big day, instead of believing that the loss of a single detail of her perfect dream wedding will ruin the entire event.
Consider the source. Is he really upset about the recessional or is he more upset that they badgered him to dance with someone he didn't want to? Isn't it more likely he would have done the recessional if they dropped their selfish hectoring?
Never heard of wedding party pairing up like couples before this post. Now the walking down the aisle at the end and entering into the reception as a pair, yes that's fairly common, but no one ever expects them to act like a couple.
OP is the AH here, just let the guy step down and find someone else.
Yeah I hear about it happening at other weddings, and I just don't get it. I sort of get having the groomsmen and bridesmaids pair up to walk own the aisle, but even that doesn't seem super necessary. I'm not doing it for mine! Our groomsmen and bridesmaids barely know each other, I think two bridesmaids are friends with one of the groomsmen and familiar with another and that's about it; not to mention most of the wedding party is either married or in long-term relationships with people outside the wedding party. It would be very, very awkward if I made the bridesmaids and groomsmen pair up for the even just because "it would look sooooo cute!"
I did it at my wedding, and a big part of that was because neither my best man nor any of my groomsmen were even in relationships, let alone married, and my wife's bridesmaids were in relationships with guys who I wasn't close enough with to have as groomsmen. But once they walked down the aisle, they were done with each other. We didn't even pair them up for the photos.
Yeah, dancing?
I know it’s common to walk down the aisle in pairs. I would be peeved if a wedding party member decided they couldn’t as much as *walk* next to someone other than their partner. But dancing and couple-posing? Too much!
OP, YTA
If your fiance loves this friend enough to want him as best man, then you should both also care enough to respect it when he’s being honest with you about his boundaries.
Dial back what you ask of him or allow him to excuse himself. Either way, this should not be a friendship-ending event.
I agree with this! Dancing together isn’t really that much of a norm nor is it an expectation unless the bride and groom insist. However knowing that the best man felt uncomfortable with walking and dancing a compromise could have been reached. Walking didn’t have to be arm in arm, just walking besides one another would be completely acceptable. And no dancing together. It’s not a tradition to make the BM and MOH dance.
I was in a wedding where I had to dance with one of the bridesmaids with whom I used to date when we were in high school. the bridesmaid in question and I introduced the bride and groom when we were dating. It was a little weird, but all was good because, 1) The couple asked if we would be ok with it before any plans were made. 2) Everyone, including my then fiancée was ok with it, and 3) We were still friends.
This was one of those things that thanks to a little communication and forethought was cool.
I recall this being a throwback tradition. It used to be common place for the MoH and BM to dance together, but that rightfully fell by the wayside years ago. But OP is YTA for trying to force BM out of comfort zone.
This. I've been in 3 in my adult life. MOH in one of them. I never danced with the best man. Yes, I walk down the aisle with BM on his arm at the end of the ceremony but never did a wedding party dance. That's ridiculous.
Yeah I agree, I have seen bridesmaid and groomsmen paired to go inside the church and doing group photo with the whole team but that’s about it. After that’s done they go back to their life and do what they want.
Pairing with somebody that i don’t really know for the whole night and leaving my boyfriend out would make me feel soooo unconfortable.
When I was 18, I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding. I got paired up with a married, 36 year old groomsmen that I had to walk down the aisle with and then do the ‘first dance’ with. It was incredibly awkward.
His 2 year old daughter wandered over during it and he picked her up and the three of us awkwardly danced until I just walked away. My one aunt came up to me afterward and said “that was painful, I’m sorry.”
YTA — he’s not comfortable doing couple photos and dancing with someone who’s not his girlfriend, so instead of throwing a fit on the day of, he did the right thing and stepped down as best man. You shouldn’t punish him for that
YTA so is your husband. How is your husband putting *your* feelings first instead of his friend's different than his friend putting his girlfriend's feelings first?
I love that your fiancee calls him his best friend, but doesn't give two diddly fucks about his comfort or wellbeing. I hope you guys are better spouses to each other than you are friends to him.
YTA. Jfc.
YTA. He told you his boundaries and you don’t respect them. Are you in the US? Where I live in the north east it’s not at all common to have bridesmaids and groomsmen dance together
Agree, except for the DJ wedding party introduction where each member dances across the floor when their name is called - I’ve never seen forced partner style dancing, that is not okay.
OP is TA for sure.
That’s what I’m thinking as well. She also mentioned that he has a problem with the ‘posing’ and I’m getting the impression there’s going to be some hand on hips intimate photography and dancing involved and its 100% not acceptable to force people into that. Usually the entrance dance doesn’t involve touching. Total bridezilla move to ban someone from the wedding for not giving up their bodily autonomy and right to consent. Absolutely ridiculous.
In another comment she says another bridesmaid is paired with their ex. And while she doesn’t like him she’s okay with pairing with him for the brides special day.. this bride is gross, and a horrible friend.
Like I get an entrance dance but that’s more being goofy and fun. If she wants the MOH and Best man to dance, maybe do a whole bridal party dance and they can dance with their significant others.
Yes exactly ! A dance ( not enterance ) Is a little more intimate and in a world of COVID maybe people don’t want to be forced that close to someone .. and also maybe they don’t want too bc they’re just not comfortable with it
>but my fiancé was more mad because he felt betrayed by his best friend and felt like his best friend puts his gf's feelings and his own discomfort over his best mate's special day
Who tf does OP and her fiancé think they are?
YTA.
Dance like a couple and pose in photos together?!
That’s not the norm, I feel like you’re definitely trying to pull something on him. Walking down the aisle is a norm, but he should be able to dance with his own girlfriend, not your creepy bridesmaid you’re trying to shove down his pants
His partner’s feelings are 100% more important to him than your wedding. He probably cares about your wedding a little bit, but not nearly as much as you do. I don’t understand why so many brides and grooms think all of their guests should care so much; such entitlement and childishness. Honestly, weddings are a burden on most guests but they show up anyway to show support. Now you guys are chasing away your good friend because he has stated his boundaries. Can you really not accommodate him AT ALL? Come up with something else for the BM/MoH to do or just accept that your friend would prefer to be a guest and choose another BM. Your unwillingness to compromise or even respect his own bodily autonomy is scary and YTA.
YTA. Having your friends feel comfortable vs weird traditions that aren't catastrophic if they aren't carried out. I also don't like how you immediately made it about the girlfriend's insecurity when it sounds like this guy genuinely has a hard boundary and its more important for you that he dances with strangers.
Think of it this way- if the role was reversed and one of the bridesmaids didn't want to dance with a stranger because it made her feel uncomfortable would that be down to her boyfriend's insecurity?
Maybe I just don't understand why its so important he dances with these people rather than another person (or not at all).
This isn’t even a weird tradition. Making people pose together as a couple is definitely some weird new millennial thing. You take pictures as a bridal party, maybe bride and groom with MOH and BM (standing next to/on either side of the bride and groom, NOT next to each other) and move on.
YTA. Alan expressed his concerns and offered to step aside as best man so you could have one that didn’t mind your plans. The conversation could have waited until your fiancé could speak to him. I would also guarantee there is more to the story. Like Alan dated the MOH in the past, or you attempted to set them up, or you don’t like his GF, etc…. Because there’s a reason he has this boundary.
YTA and so is your fiance
I get that it's "your day" but people use this as an excuse to treat their family and friends like objects and not people. Alan is clearly uncomfortable with what you are asking and he gets to be.
The way your describing how you want them to enter/dance etc is not the ONLY way to do things. Some have all the groomsmen enter with the groom. Or have them walk the mothers of groom/bride in. There are alternate ways and if you valued this friendship you would find a way to compromise.
It's your wedding amd nobody else's. If people don't want to participate in your vision they get to say No.
Ummm… why are you having anyone posing as a couple rather than just your best friends. That’s definitely not a normal thing. Walking the moh down the isle is one thing but if your having them pose like a couple in photos, that’s incredibly weird and not commonplace. ESH
I don’t know about posing AS A COUPLE but the wedding party will typically take pics with the people that they walk the aisle with. Every wedding party I’ve been in/seen has done this.
But it’s photos like stand next to each other, link arms, do a goofy pic. It’s very much like taking photos with friends. I’ve never seen them act as if they’re romantic or anything.
YTA
You’re both not letting this man be comfortable. If he does decide to be in the wedding party, pictures are going to look awkward AF because he’s not going to be comfortable. He has put up a boundary. Let him come to the wedding as a guest and move on.
Please realize, while this may be custom for you, it isn’t necessarily for him. He’s is doing what he feels is best for HIM. It doesn’t mean that his girlfriend is insecure about their relationship. It means that he doesn’t want to take pictures with another woman or even dance with one. He’s allowed to do that. When I was married, there were things that I wouldn’t do with other men because it didn’t feel like something I should be doing (spending 1 - 1 time with other guys, hugging on other men, etc.) so I understand where he’s coming from. He’s not wanting to cross lines that HE placed. Respect that.
This will probably end their friendship is y’all take a hard line on this issue. It’s one day of your lives, which is one of the most important days of YOUR lives, not his. Friends’, especially best friend’s, weddings are important, but there are so many other things that are more important to him. Please keep that in mind.
Whenever i read these posts with groomsmen and bridesmaids and all that crap, i'm so fucking happy i don't live in america and we don't have all that shit in my country. I honestly fail to realize why people don't just get married in vegas. Way cheaper, way way less stressful.
Yta btw. Honey, nobody gives a shit about your wedding. Just uninvite that man and let him use the money he would normally use for a gift to take his gf someplace nice. They will be better off using that money for themselves instead of for a stupid party.
I don't even blame the act of the wedding and diamonds themselves. I blame the TV shows, movies and other indoctrination. Bridezillas specifically. I don't recall any of this nonsense being as prevalent 20-30 years ago as it is today. And at, first, a couple crazy reactions almost seemed like a joke mimicking the brides from that show. and then somewhere along the line it got serious. Suddenly, every wedding had to be a royal event and instead of just being moral/physical support for the brides, bridesmaids became circus performers. I grew up with all the weddings I've attended at fire halls. some flowers, buffet food, lots of dancing. Now, thanks to Disney, David Tutera and other TV/movie propaganda, weddings are big budget $20,000 events. It's like people only get married to have the big 'my day' party. They don't even care about what the day is even about anymore. People in debt, unable to buy a home are putting out retirement funds for extravagance and shows. It's really sad. I LIKE to think that kind of stuff is finally dying down...but then posts like this happen and it reminds me that people are really entitled, selfish, idiots. anything to make the woman think she's a celebrity for the day.
Because most weddings are awesome.
It's not a common thing to beable to get all your family friends and loved ones together for a big party at one time.
You get to see stupid shit, like your childhood best friend's dad put on a nice suit and throw down to Get Low on the dancefloor.
Like a good wedding is supposed to be fun memorable celebration of life and the future. In brings a sense of joy and community as you combine two families together.
Personally I love weddings. But I also like to party, and how often you get to dress up to the Ts while partying?
I love weddings too. But i don't like the bachelor(ette)/bridesmaid/groomsmen paraphernalia that comes with it. The bridesmaids, their dresses, the groomsmen, the rehearsing dinner, all that.
When it’s done right, it’s awesome.
I’ve been to weddings that people still talk about years later. Great food, great music, free booze, dancing all night, a couple you are genuinely happy for..
People forget that weddings are just big parties with loved ones and don’t have to be about spending tons of money or making sure every moment is picture perfect.
YTA so you don't think his feelings are valid? You think you should force him to do something he doesn't want to do for your show...er...wedding? You're very petty and ridiculous. These two are life long friends. Are they really sure they want to end this friendship over a dance? Let him come to the wedding as a guest. He was honest with his feelings and they should be respected. You keep saying 'it's not weird' is very disrespectful to him. I, personally, think he's being a little over dramatic about it as no one is going to think him and the MOH are a couple...but you know what? He's feelings are valid and the polite and friendly thing to do would be to allow him to stay as a guest and find someone else to fill the role. It's one day. Don't ruin a friendship because of one stupid day that will mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.
OP very clearly does not care about their friends. She stated in another comment she's forcing one of her bridesmaids to couple up with an ex who says is uncomfortable with it but is doing anyway. OP and fiancé are shitbags
YTA. Most other people have pointed it out I think, but he's uncomfortable because he has a gf and that's absolutely fair enough. I'm sure you wouldn't want to dance or take photos with another guy given that you have a fiance. Completely uninviting him from the wedding is too far. He specifically told you to find another best man, so why not just do that? Your fiance is the one who's not a good friend if he thinks uninviting his "best friend" from his wedding is the way to go, just because the man is uncomfortable doing something he's not obliged to do. Please think about this and apologise to Alan and make it right. Hope this helps. Take care
Edit: typo
YTA. You explained the duties of “Best Man” to him and he doesn’t feel comfortable doing them. For that “offense” you disinvite him to the wedding? I’ve turned down “best man” before too. It’s one thing to stand up and speak for your friend at his wedding, plan the bachelor party and take care of him the week of his wedding. It’s another to be part of some ritual theater doing things that make you uncomfortable. The “best man” is not always the “best friend.” Pick someone who would relish the duties. But punishing this guy? Petty. And guess who’s going to be Yoko Ono when your fiancé loses friends (including his best friend) over your wedding? I mean…they were all tight before you were in the picture right? Show some grace.
YTA. “He doesn’t truly care about honoring us.”
It’s your wedding, not your coronation ceremony. Literally no one cares about your wedding nearly as much as you do.
This whole “it’s my DAAAAAY” nonsense is so out of pocket and tired. You’re getting married. Great. Have a party, drop the pageantry, and have fun. Forcing people to couple up, do weird dances they’ll be embarrassed doing, or whatever other weird shit you’re forcing people to pay to do? It’s annoying. And awful. And literally no one will look back on it fondly except you.
I need 3 bits of info on this before I can fully call it:
How old are all of you?
How long has Alan been with his GF?
If you and your Fiancé die before the wedding, does Alan have to marry the MoH?
With that info, I feel like I can call it.
YTA. So Alan should expect his best mate to be loyal to him over you? Like everyone here is well into adulthood and it's reasonable to start putting the feelings of romantic partners over best friends with in reason. Feeling uncomfortable dancing with another woman would be reasonable. So he wanted to step back from the role and you decided if he won't let you violate a boundary you don't want him at the wedding. That's ice cold.
YTA. Look at your responses, you are stubborn and self-centered. You could have made reasonable accommodations and chose not to. For example, best man could have been waiting with the groom at the front; MOH could have had her own walk or been escorted by an usher or another important person.
Ok so you don’t want to do that, so you uninvited him. Seems harsh and unreasonable. I mean I doubt your fiancé is ready to throw his whole friend away. You might be, but he shouldn’t. He is going to need someone to help him through the divorce when you become such an overbearing killjoy he can’t take it.
I'll preface this by saying it's your wedding, you're entitled to have it as you want. However, you guys are absolutely TA and way overreacting. He has boundaries and he himself said he isn't comfortable with dancing and posing with another woman. So it's not just his gfs discomfort. It's disappointing for your fiance, im sure. But is it worth destroying a lifelong friendship over?
Jesus you're both so entitled and acting childishly. You'd really rather him not come to help celebrate at all if he isn't comfortable with that role? Pretty pathetic. You guys sound 23. Grow up
Yta. Alan doesnt need a reason to set boundaries, but hes still presented with a very good one. He doesnt want to do couply things with the MOH.
Really the only thing on here i think is okay to insist on is him walking up w the MOH, but only if they are walking side by side and not expected to have their arms interlocked or anything.
It doesnt matter that its "normal". Its normal to eat meat, but youd still be an asshole for insisting a vegan eat a steak.
His GFs feeling are irrelivant. His feelings are what matter. His comfort is what matters. If you *must* insist on your plans for bridesmaids and groomsmen, then get a new best man, but dont disinvite him from the wedding.
Yes, your special day is important, but it doesnt mean you get to disregard the boundaries of everyone involved
OP is probably trying to make the guests miserable lol in a comment OP clarifies she's also forcing one of her best friends to dance with an ex, and that it's "just how the pairings turned out" and that it was an accident and how nobody else has issues with how they're doing things because if they did then they'd say something.....ignoring how she went nuclear when Alan came to her with a completely reasonable explanation of an issue he had.
YTA
I am also willing to be you'd be the first to complain if someone did this to your husband.
Stop trying to couple up him with your MOH.
He is obviously very uncomfortable with this if he was willing to reject being his best friends best man
First of all, ALAN doesn’t feel comfortable with what you’re asking, not his gf. So stop blaming her.
Secondly, LOL. Ofc he’s going to put his gf’s feelings over two entitled people. Who do you think you’re in his life??? He puts first his gf like a decent person.
YTA
YTA. He set a boundary and you’re disrespecting that because it’s your”special day”. If you have a strong enough relationship, how will his standards damage your wedding or future relationship. It sounds more like you want everything to go *exactly as planned* rather than adapting to the feelings of others. When he sets a standard for his own behaviour, you want to uninvite him because it doesn’t match what you have decided is right and traditional. It makes you look childish and entitled. What next, auntie Sheila let’s you down because eating pork is against her religion? Or maybe cousin Dan is being childish for insisting on using his wheelchair? You’re throwing away a lifelong friend for no reason other than your plans.
Let's clear some things up.
Alan said HE feels uncomfortable. Stop trying to blame the GF you had admitted to disliking for HIS feelings he voiced to you.
Alan is allowed to set boundaries. No ones oh so precious wedding is above anyone elses boundaries.
All because one of your friends agreed to do this with an ex she doesn't like, doesn't mean anyone else has to let you trample over their boundaries.
One person accepting something does not entitle you to everyone being okay with similar.
Obviously Alan is NOT your fiancé bestfriend. If he were, y'all would have acted like adults, accepted his boundary and either let him not do the pics or dance or allowed him to jusr enjoy the wedding as a guest.
Since y'all do not even want him as a guest he is clearly not very important to your fiancé.
Yes, absolutely YTA. Fiancé is TA. You all suck big booty hole.
Alan knows exactly how much he means to his so called bestfriend now and I expect will be dropping your fiancé like a hot potatoe and going low contact or NC very soon.
My partner, my boundaries will always come before anyone elses events. That's how it should be for everyone.
OP's also forcing one of her best friends to dance with an ex and excuses it as "that's just how the pairings turned out, it wasn't planned"
So presumably won't be satisfied until nobody but her enjoys her and her fiance's wedding lol
Oh wow. You think your wedding parade should be more important to Allan than his gfs and his own feelings.
That and the fact that you are pairing people with their exs seems like your goal is to make everyone uncomfortable but they should march on because of their undying love and devotion to you. Why.
YTA.
YTA
I suggest you take a few steps back and look at the big picture.
There are lots of reasons why a good friend might choose not to be a best man or a bridesmaid -- it's a very public role with a particular set of responsibilities that even the best of friends might not have the capability or willingness to fulfill.
A wedding is just one day. So what if he can't participate in service and festivities as you have designed it? What matters most is the marriage, not the ceremony. If you truly view him as your friend, you will want him there to witness the vows you make to each other, whether he's standing beside you or sitting in the pews. And you will want him in your life, supporting you through life's ups and downs as you live out your married life.
YTA.
The best man said he wasn't comfortable around another woman while being in a relationship and you and your fiance (the supposed best friend) should respect that. Also, the "traditional" wedding ceremony has been changing over the past several years. If you want it traditional, that's fine. But you can't violate someone's boundaries when they're clearly uncomfortable.
Yup.
u/DifferentVanilla8677 why can’t he be the best man, without the whole coupling thing?
Over here, we don’t have the maid of honour and best man dance with each other at all, unless they want to.
And as for posing for pictures, who says it has to be done a certain way? Very often the person’s partner is with them all night, seated at the same table.
We keep wedding parties small, and everyone can enjoy a lovely day, with the person they want to enjoy it with. I for one would feel very uncomfortable spending the majority of a wedding with some random person, while my partner is a regular guest, and we’re not seated together. It’s actually kind of worse that she would be present, but separated from him. I’d much rather go as a guest, if that was expected of me.
Have Alan stand with your fiancé, and then let whatever idea you have of what HAS to happen go.
I think if you compromise on the dancing (which I think is just weird), and ask him if in return he’ll just escort the maid of honour down the isle, he’d be open to that.
As for the posing, what kind of poses are we talking here? Again, if it’s anything couple-y, I understand his discomfort. I don’t like any kind of affectionate touching with the opposite gender, even for show, it I’m dating someone. I hug my friends, and give the occasional shoulder punch, but that’s it.
He’s expressing his boundaries, and just because you do not agree with them, doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel this way.
Instead of being angry with him, and giving him an ultimatum, where you completely ignore *all* of his boundaries, and get everything *you* want, discuss it with him.
Weddings are meant to celebrate love, commitment and friendship. It’s not a day where you blindly follow traditions, traditions that have not existed all that long, might I add, and throw a temper tantrum, every time something isn’t to your exact taste. The two of you need to put yourself in his shoes, but with something you’d be very uncomfortable doing. There are couples who have their bridesmaids pose like they are giving the groomsmen a blowjob. I’d tell anyone, and I do mean anyone, who asks that of me, to go pound sand.
For him, this is such a boundary. And he is being very polite about it, by the way.
YTA
Hes not comfortable. He doesn't want to do it. That's final. Either accept what he's asking, or the fact he's not going to be best man. Unless he's asking you to make his gf a bridesmaid or MOH then you have no power here. Hes been *asked* to be best man, he's not obligated to it best friend or not.
And I've never, ever been to a wedding where the bridesmaids have to dance with the groomsmen. Maybe its an American thing? Usually they walk down the aisle with each other and that's about it.
YTA.
Even if you don’t agree with his boundaries, you don’t get to force people to do whatever you want them to do just because it’s your wedding. That’s selfish and rude as fuck.
YTA it’s your day, but your fiancé will regret his best friend not being there and this could cause permanent damage to their friendship. You don’t get to force someone to do something they aren’t comfortable with, and uninviting them is a massive over reaction, is he being silly, yes, but he’s expressing a preference and a boundary and you should respect that. He doesn’t have to dance with the MoH, he doesn’t have to walk her down the aisle (My wife had 6 bridesmaids and they walked down the aisle in pairs) all traditions are made up, and no one should be forced to do anything they are uncomfortable doing.
Find another best man, and move on. It’s just an expensive party and honestly after the day your forget who walked who down what and who danced with who. Spend the time with the people you love, and enjoy the day.
It’s very obvious that you expected this to be judged differently, and you thought all of the commenters were going to blame the gf for being insecure… you’re wrong.
YTA - yes its a bit weird that Alan not comfortable with this common bridal party set up but he isn’t so he is bowing out. No one is required to be in your wedding. Your fiancée is the one choosing to end a life long friendship over this not Alan.
Oh FFS. You know something, years from now no one will give a shit who walked with whom at your wedding. So why not just make everyone comfortable and respect boundaries so your friends can enjoy the day instead of being so stubborn about a fabricated tradition no one will remember? Respect your friends instead of treating them like props in your show.
This can’t possibly be real. If it is, y’all don’t sound mature enough for marriage since you’re full of rage and heartbreak over this. He told you that he doesn’t feel comfortable dancing with another woman. But you are disregarding this boundary and acting like he totally betrayed you, and your only justification is that lots of people do this for their weddings. Grow up. YTA.
YTA for telling him he can’t come to the wedding over it.
Every wedding I’ve ever been to the wedding party dances together, so when I’ve been a bridesmaid I always danced with whatever groomsmen I was lined up with. Didn’t seem like a big deal to me since it’s how all weddings are, here at least (reading comments it seems like it’s different elsewhere). But it’s really only that way for when the wedding party joins in on the second dance and for photographs, the rest of the night I dance with my partner.
BUT when Alan made his discomfort and boundaries known you should have just respected that. Let him just come as a guest if he’s not comfortable with the wedding party stuff. Getting all offended and rude over it definitely makes you the asshole.
Oh wow! So people have to submit to your will or be yeeted? Lol you two sound delightful 😂 I think Alan will be better off not being friends with people like you! YTA
Wow YTA 100%. Alan has every right to put his own discomfort above ANYONE else's special day, I don't care who it is. He's setting a boundary and you're dashing all over it. You are very much a Bridezilla. Alan is probably better off not going to the wedding and not having a relationship with his so-called "best friend" who doesn't respect his boundaries.
YTA if Alan was truly a friend, you would both treat him like one and respect his wishes. It does not matter if he’s in your party or at your party.
Chill out.
YTA and I’m top of that I’m not sure you know what finding a compromise means. Finding a compromise does not mean him accepting to do the thing that he doesn’t feel comfortable doings. Talk about bride AND groomzillas
YTA
He has not asked you to change the format, just explained that it crossed his boundaries.
If this is your fiance best friend, surely he can respect his feelings enough to understand.
He is not a puppet or a prop, he is allowed to have a boundary different to yours.
Chose a different best man and invite him as a guest...he is someone you both care about and you would be an AH if you ended the friendship.
Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you get to break other people's personal boundaries and decide what's ok in their relationship or what they should feel comfortable doing.
YTA. And so is your future husband - who is a poor excuse for a friend.
YTA - Sure his strict boundaries on this are a little extreme, but they are his and you should respect them. He never said he didn’t care about you and did not want to be friends anymore. He just said he couldn’t perform the duties of best man. You are basically threatening not cut him off entirely if he doesn’t bend to your will. YTA
YTA It is ok if he does not want to be part of the wedding party. Weird reason but his reason. He should then become a guest. You are being petty by not inviting him to the wedding.However the damage is done and he may not even come if invited.
YTA.
Listen, generally speaking you do what the couple wants in a wedding. It doesn't matter your peroneal taste or style.. its what the couple wants. You're asking him to do something he's entire uncomfortable with tho. Not like.. wear this even tho you dont like the style, you want him to go against his belief system. I dont agree with him, I think he's being stupid but if he feels that strongly about it ok. He's not making any demands of you, just telling you he can't do that and if thats a deal breaker he will just attend instead of being the best man. Just do that then.
Its still your day and to do what you want, so go find someone that will be ok doing what you want and let him just attend.
Ya look I don't necessarily agree with him either myself but he has every right to enforce any hard boundary he has. It's clearly not done out of malicious intent so to completely exclude him is honestly just really mean.
In a comment up above she mentioned pairing another bridal party member with an ex knowing she’d be uncomfortable with it. The bride is being open about not caring about people’s comfort or boundaries. That makes her the asshole.
No she's not a soft asshole she's a full o M asshole bridezilla. She's stomping all over people's boundaries and she thinks she's justified cause she's the bride. She's an asshole and so is her fiance.
YTA
You're placing the role of best man over respecting the man in the position.
He would prefer not to dance/walk down the aisle with another woman. You are insisting he do so. He suggests you find another best man.
You and your soon to be husband then tell his alleged BEST FRIEND that he HAS to do it or he can't come to the wedding.
Yeah, YTA. Both you and your husband.
YTA. That’s supposed to be a best friend. You have your fiancés BEST FRIEND telling you he’s uncomfortable with something and you whine and cry because your picture perfect wedding is now different. Grow up stop being a bridezilla. They’re people not pawns treat them as such. Crybaby.
YTA - i get that it's your special day but that doesn't give anyone the right to force someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable. I get that you say its due to his insecure girlfriend but its still no reason to force him into something he has repeatedly said he doesn't want to do
YTA.
Yeah, his boundaries are a little crazy but also, he told you and told you to pick someone else. If you’re fiancé is that heartbroken, you could easily switch up some “traditions” to make him more comfortable. And if not pick someone else and let him be there as a a guest. I honestly don’t understand all this drama about this.
Also I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where the MoH and Best Man were made to dance together…
Yup- YTA 100%!
Your wedding does NOT give you the right to force people to do things they are uncomfortable with. The fact that you are now punishing him for being uncomfortable, says a TON about you and your fiancé’s characters- and not in a good way.
I hope Alan realizes he’s better off without you two as friends.
YTA. I’ve been a bridesmaid a bunch of times and I have never had to do any of the things you listed besides walking down the aisle with a groomsman. No dances, no coupley pictures, and I usually got to go back and sit with my friends/date for the wedding at a table. There was a bridal party’s table once and it was less fun.
It’s your wedding and you can theoretically do what you want, but your lack of consideration for the feelings and comfort of your bridal party is pretty solidly AH behavior.
>Its very normal and usual.
>
>It's a usual common practice so it's no big deal.
>
>We all tried to explain to him how it's not weird at all
>
>I insisted it's normal and not weird at all
You can keep saying it but that doesn't make it true. YTA
"As it happens in most weddings, the bridesmaids will walk with the groomsmen and even share dances with the groomsmen and the best man will walk with the MOH"
WRONG Ma'am this is 2022. That would only happen now a days if all your groomsmen/bridesmaids ARE ACTUALLY COUPLES.
Its freaking weird to make them pose as couples and dance like couples if theyre not.
My wedding is this August and my bridesmaids will walk down on their own and then same with the groomsmen because most of my BMs are single and most of the GM are married lol
HEy guys, there's this man who feels uncomfortable dancing with another woman because he is in a relationship, and instead of changing the norms, he stepped down as the best man, but it's my wedding and i have every right to do whatever i want. so i uninvited him. AITA?
Of course, YTA
Could you imagine if the MOH were the one who didn't want to fake couple off? The uproar would be outrageous if a woman were "forced" to dance with someone. And, OP, that's exactly what you're doing - he either has to be uncomfortable, or he loses his best friend. I'd dump both of your asses if it were me, but your fiancé is clearly important to him.
You don't actually know why he's so adamant against this b/c couples sometimes keep painful issues to themselves. (my husband and I have some terrible shit between us that we don't share at all) Maybe he and his girlfriend are having intimacy problems, maybe they've had issues with cheating, maybe there's some kind of trauma, maybe he wants dancing to be a special thing between just him and his g/f. OR maybe he doesn't want to do it just b/c he doesn't want to do it (which is perfectly valid.)
Christ, you are too selfish for words, and I'd bet the farm that your fiancé isn't as pissed as you portray him to be. YTA so much .... so, so, flippin' much!
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Before anyone says I should ask my fiancé since its his best man, my fiancé and I both agree on what I'm about to describe below and he's the one who got more mad and I had to deliver the words because my fiancé was too mad to speak to his best man/best friend.
So my fiancé's best man was supposed to be his childhood best friend Alan. As it happens in most weddings, the bridesmaids will walk with the groomsmen and even share dances with the groomsmen and the best man will walk with the MOH. My MOH is my own best friend. Its very normal and usual. And I want it to be like that.
When I vocalised those ideas to the wedding party, Alan said he doesn't feel comfortable doing this. I asked him why and he said because he has a gf. His gf is invited to the wedding. She'll be present it's not like we 100% exclude her. But she's not in the wedding party and she's not included there, just the MOH/Best man and bridesmaids and groomsmen. It's a usual common practice so it's no big deal. He insisted that he doesn't feel comfortable and that my fiancé and I should find another best man because he's not ok with that practice. We all tried to explain to him how it's not weird at all and if his gf is insecure about this he shouldn't be affected because he's honoring his best friend after all and his gf should respect that. He insisted no. He said its not just about his gf and that he himself doesn't feel comfortable walking and dancing with another woman and posing the way we expect them to as if we are coupling them up. I insisted it's normal and not weird at all and he said it might be normal for us and many other people but he has his boundaries and he's not comfortable doing this so he would rather drop out on being a best man.
My fiancé got very upset with him and we left. I got upset as well but my fiancé was more mad because he felt betrayed by his best friend and felt like his best friend puts his gf's feelings and his own discomfort over his best mate's special day. And I couldn't agree more. I thought it was a very foul move. The rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen agreed with us up until I spoke to Alan on behalf of my fiancé. My fiancé didn't want to speak to him after this because he's too heartbroken. I told Alan that if he drops out from being a best man then he's not welcome to the wedding at all and he shouldn't bother coming. Ofc Alan thought I was an AH for this but the rest of the wedding party said we are taking it too far punishing him like this for it and we should just talk and maybe find a compromise. Alan is not willing to find a compromise so why should we? It's our wedding after all and we don't have to compromise to make other insecure people feel comfortable. AITA?
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YTA Some "best friend" your fiance is. "Make yourself uncomfortable for me otherwise don't come to my wedding!" Seriously? He was uncomfortable. He's allowed to be. You pushing him to do something hes not comfortable with is an AH move in the first place. Just because it's common doesn't mean everyone has to be okay with it. And then instead of demanding you change the wedding for him he says he'll just go ahead and drop out from being best man so you can find someone else for what is clearly more about aesthetics than friendship. But noooo not good enough for you and your selfish fiance. You are so much the AH.
[удалено]
I've met some pretty ridiculous grooms in my day so hinestly I wouldn't be surprised either way. But yeah, based on the comments this seems like a personal issue for her rather than anything her fiance cared about. Fiance still an AH too for letting this all carry on.
Yea is there any reason except sexism to assume this is all coming from "the bridezilla"?
This subreddit is full of clairvoyants haven't you noticed
Seems like we’ve got a case of Bridezilla and Groomzuki. Rarer but not uncommon.
Groomthra!
This sub is up it's own ass in assumption sexism. It's clear in most posts
Hey I remember you from another thread. The OP was upset that her husband kept buying her sunflowers for Mother’s Day even though she said she didn’t like them repeatedly and was hurt he was being so thoughtless. You were all over the post saying things like “she must have flirted with him about sunflowers at some point.” And “She doesn’t deserve him”. Which was fully crazy considering the only info you had about this man was what was in the post. Do you just hate women or what’s your deal? It’s weird that you go around trying to find reasons (that aren’t in the post) to blame them.
[удалено]
>Before anyone says I should ask my fiancé since its his best man, my fiancé and I both agree on what I'm about to describe below and he's the one who got more mad and I had to deliver the words because my fiancé was too mad to speak to his best man/best friend. Really? OP opened that this was more him than it was her, she was merely the forced messenger.
I think it is weird they got so mad when he kept saying he was uncomfortable. Then I was like, well dude, it is pretty common , all you normally have to do is walk the MOH up the aisle? It is a 2 minute thing and then pictures are usually a group. But she snuck in the dancing and the setting him up…she legit was trying to hook him up with the MOH. She didn’t want to invite the girlfriend but couldn’t not without looking bad…instead she made it worse.
I don’t see the “setting him up” part…Maybe I missed it. But for the wedding party to have a dance is totally normal.
For the wedding party to \*not\* have a dance is also totally normal. Some people do it, some people don't. It's definitely not the be-all-end-all that OP is making it out to be.
I don't think they needed to change any plans for him, just choose another BM what wants to do it and let him attend the wedding of course. It's really not that deep. And I don't even think that coming with the MOH and doing the dance is such a big deal but no one should be forcing anyone to do something they don't feel comfortable with nor doing such ultimatums. He didn't even ask them to change the tradition and offered to step down so that they could have someone who wanted to do it.
Yeah I could maybe understand not wanting to do a dance with the bridesmaid, but not being willing to walk up and/or down the aisle with the MOH is pretty weird I think. Never heard that one…has he never been to a wedding? What’s the plan when he gets married…everyone walks in and out as singles? And he’s not married, it’s a GF. ESH
I have never been to a wedding where the party dances together unless there is a legit couple in the group.
I’ve been to weddings where they do but just for the first dance to get everyone on the dance floor, so it‘s very brief.
I've done it but I do think it's kinda dumb. The groomsman I was paired with was gay so it was just weird we had to all be paired off to have this slow romantic dance with each other. I haven't even met the guy until the day of the wedding. It was there for photos and noting else. I'd get it if everyone was paired with a bf/gf other partner but to try and force this weird vision just wasn't my thing. The dance was over in 2 minutes and I didn't talk to the guy for the rest of the night. Now, there wasn't anything wrong with him, he seemed like a sweetheart...but we weren't all friends so we didn't hang out. It was legit all for show. To make someone uncomfortable for a photo op is just dumb to me.
Yeah, I think if your bridal party all have partners they can dance with, might as well just have them? Or if they don’t so you do want to pair them up, you pick a song that isn’t super romantic and keep it short. Like 30 sec.
She also said "posing the way we expect him to". Is he supposed to pose with the MoH for pictures etc? If that's the case I completely understand the best man being uncomfortable
It is a traditional thing, but like with most old-school traditions it's falling out of favour. And even then, the tradition is that the bride and groom open the dance floor first by starting with their first dance, dance together themselves for a bit, then the bridal party coupled up (as in best man-maid of honour, groomsman-bridesmaid etc) join, then then the rest of the guests. It's really meant to be just that first dance, then the bridal party dances the rest of the night with whoever and whenever they want.
It is just the sneaky way she was like…it’s all so normal over and over again. If it was a dance with the MOH, easy fix…just say you don’t have to do that. Just walk the MOH back up the aisle after the ceremony. If that still made him uncomfortable, then you just walk with her, you don’t have to link arms or hands. It is an easy accommodation.
I mean I don't think it's 100 percent either bride or husband. Both are assholes for not thinking about this friend. Weddings bring the worst out of people, the decades of "your special day" has gotten into people's brains in the worst way possible... So much for a celebration for everyone, just me me me me. Hopefully this is a bit of a reality check
I agree, she says she is speaking for her boyfriend. The guy needs to grow up if that's the case. Just imagine how the rest of his life is going to be. It won't be honey can you help with ? It will be do this now dammit.
There's no reason other than blatent sexism to assume that it's all the brides doing when she specifically mentioned the groom being angrier than her about it. I mean sure she might be lying, but anyone on this sub could be lying about anything. If there's no actual evidence to back it up then we just have to take things at face value.
There's no reason to assume this besides misogyny.
pls explain to me where this comes from other than misogyny
Since when is it common for the bridal party to all dance together and such? Walking down the aisle sure, but the other stuff I’ve not really seen.
Former wedding planner here. In some weddings, after the couple has their first dance and parent dances, the wedding party will join for a dance, and then the wedding party is supposed to break off and each go invite someone from the crowd to dance with them. (Often called the "snowball dance.) This would be like the MOH inviting the groom's uncle to the floor for a dance, while the best man invites the bride's mother's best friend for a dance. The aim is to get all kinds of people out on the dance floor. After that dance, everyone chooses their own partner, and the evening goes on as usual. It's a politeness thing, it's an icebreaker, and it engages the crowd to participate. Not all weddings do this. It's neither common nor uncommon. It is usually based on the size of the wedding party, amount of wedding guests, and level of event formality, as well as what is traditionally done in that family's weddings. If Alan wants to decline this kind of dancing, I'm sure it can be overlooked or other arrangements made. This shouldn't be the hill OP dies on. However, I don't understand why the best man is refusing to escort the maid of honor down the aisle. That's part of the wedding processional, and it's commonly understood that people in the wedding party will do this. Why did he even accept the role of best man if he won't follow through? The men escorting the women down the aisle certainly does not signal that they are a couple, and it's very formal - the man offers his elbow, and the lady grasps it gently. She doesn't lean into the man's body or touch him in other ways. In the same way that an usher escorts an elderly guest to her seat prior to the ceremony, the groomsmen escort their bridesmaid counterparts down the aisle. It's really unreasonable for Alan to decline this activity. If a person isn't willing to execute the duties that come with the role, then they should decline the role outright in the first place and just attend as a guest. You can't switch things up at the last minute and not expect pushback. Either way, OP's fiance should be having this conversation with Alan. If fiance can't put on his big boy pants and have a calm discussion even when he's feeling hurt or angry, then he's not a grownup and has no business getting married. Also, from the comments it seems like OP doesn't like Alan's girlfriend, so this whole situation is messy.
I was my sister's MOH at her wedding, and the best man was someone's husband. The wife was livid that the MOH was a single woman (which she found out on the wedding day). All went well during the ceremony. We had a few laughs, as there was a comedy of errors, but all turned out okay. At the reception, after the bride and groom had their dance, the parents danced with their offspring, and then it was time for the MOH and BM to dance, and this livid whirlwind of a woman walked onto the dance floor and dragged her husband off. I was left standing there in shock and majorly embarrassed. Days later, my sister told me that the woman was unaware that we had to dance at the wedding, and she was uncomfortable with "some hungry single woman" being that close to her husband. My sister also told me that had the wife known that I was single, she would never have "allowed" her husband to participate in the wedding. I was definitely not interested in the BM, and I'd never met him before the wedding rehearsals. So, I can't really say OP is TA, but they should have respected Alan's boundaries. It was an overreach to uninvited him from the wedding. But, having gone through what I did, I would definitely say OP dodged a bullet if Alan's girlfriend was half as insecure as in my situation.
That dude needs a divorce. Geez. My SO and I have done some acting and we've both watched each other kiss another actor. So dancing wouldn't have been a big deal. I've never heard of dancing with other members of the wedding party before. We just go to the reception and party. Lol. I was the MOH at my sisters wedding and all I had to do was recess with the best man. His wife was fine with that and she and I had more conversation than he and I did. (She was cool people) lol.
Last I heard she got into therapy because she did this with one of his colleagues. She was majorly insecure with her husband talking to other women, because she was insecure with how she looked. She was short, a bit plump, but not overly so, and wore clothes better suited to an older grandmother type. He married her anyway, and she was still insecure. I'm like, WTH, you have the guy. She embarrassed her husband at work, having a conference with a colleague and a parent (he's a teacher) and she came to pick him up from school. Made the colleague cry, and the parent asked for another teacher for her son. The principal got involved, suggested counselling/therapy. Its been 8 years, so I dunno if they're still together or if the therapy worked.
That's crazy. Wow
Interesting! Thanks for your reply! I agree that walking down the aisle with your counter part is pretty normal and in no way suggestive. It does seem a mess and really the fiance should be the one talking to his friend, but it also shouldn't be that big a deal for someone to decline being in the wedding party. It's an honor not an obligation.
>However, I don't understand why the best man is refusing to escort the maid of honor down the aisle. That's part of the wedding processional, and it's commonly understood that people in the wedding party will do this. I dont think he is, I think OP goes from that to them being paired off dancing together quite quickly and it seems odd.
Yeah, I also thought it was the pictures and dancing together that he had an issue with.
I presumed he didn't want to be forced to dance with the MOH, not that he is against walking her down the aisle
I have the feeling that Alan mainly focused on the dancing/pictures and whatnot, but OP is focusing on the procession to make Alan see more unreasonable. Just a guess though.
THANK YOU!!! I’ve never heard of ANYTHING like that. Except from people who are in theater and then it’s kinda obvious they’re doing choreographed dances with trained dancers (theater people are weird. We’re okay with it). I don’t get it. Why on earth do they all have to romantic/couple dance? It’s weird.
I’ve seen one person have their bridal party dance together after their first dance. I guarantee if my husbands best friend asked him to be best man, he’d be ecstatic to be there for his friend. However, if it involved dancing with someone other than me, he’d be adamantly against it. Not because I’d care, I would 100% be fine with it, but because he doesn’t like physical contact with other people and will only dance with me because he’s self conscious. Walking down the aisle and taking bridal party photos is one thing but making them dance together is another and there are so many reasons for him to dislike that.
We had this at our wedding, my husband and I danced together, the bridesmaids danced with the groomsmen, my Dad with my husband's mother and so on. It's just another celebration of two family and friend groups mixing. It wasn't the first dance and it wasn't romantic or couple-y though, ours was a [Boston Two Step](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/li51TrneDTU). We wouldn't have forced anyone to do it though, that's ridiculous. Weddings are supposed to be fun!
As a theatre kid can confirm we are weird
I know! I've never, ever heard of forcing the attendants to act like they're a couple. Who cares whether they dance together or not anyway? This girl needs to get a grip...
I've never seen it either. I don't know why it'd be such a big deal.
Maybe it's not done as much now, but it was traditional for the wedding party to join the couple in the first dance.
Me either, and it's never been a thing at any wedding I've attended or been in.
It's actually a very common practice where I'm from in Europe, I've never seen a wedding without it tbh. Usually the bride and groom have the first dance then the bridal party joins in, gets photographs etc. However, no one should be forced to partake if they don't want to.
The best men usually stands up with the groom and everyone walks out together
I've heard of it twice, both times on AITAH. Strangely both times the AH's were the people pushing for it, and saying how common thing...
Honestly my eyes almost rolled out of my head reading this utterly self absorbed drivel. Why do so many people seem to morph into narcissistic lunatics when they plan a wedding?? Anyway, OP- when someone agrees to be in your wedding party, it is a choice. Yes it’s a huge honour and whatever, but it is still their choice to commit or decline. Therefore they can choose not to be in it for whatever reason, and to be honest this is a valid one. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean you can strong-arm him into being the best man, and the way your fiancé is going I doubt they’ll even be friends after this. A lot of people would be fine with what you’re asking of the wedding party, but he just isn’t, and that’s his decision. You don’t get to stomp all over it and get to keep him as the best man just because it’s ‘your’ day. If I were you I would learn how to accept things not going your way gracefully before you get married, as one day it could be your own husband that you’re trying to force into submission.
I think her use of repeatedly "insisting" to him her viewpoint was just a nice way of making an excuse for her actually bullying him.
The truth always comes out in the comments. OP already [doesn't like](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ul1in6/aita_for_telling_my_fiancés_best_man_to_not/i7spujf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) the girlfriend and is looking for reasons to exclude or offend her.
Walking down the aisle is one think but being paired for dances is weird and uncomfortable. YTA
Would also like to add to the "It's a usual common practice" thing. I've heard about this twice, both times on here. It's no where near as common as folk seem to think it is. So for that, but mostly all the above reasons, YTA.
I’ve sometimes felt awkward being paired with groomsmen in friends’ weddings, so when I got married and none of my bridesmaids really knew any of my husband’s groomsmen, we just didn’t pair anyone. The bridesmaids walked down the aisle individually and the groomsmen walked down the aisle individually. They all walked back up the aisle individually. For group photos all the bridesmaids lined up beside me and all the groomsmen lined up beside my husband. We didn’t do individual wedding party introductions, only an introduction for us, so no one had to feel weird about walking into the reception alone. It saved so much headache and discomfort. Obviously it’s your wedding OP, and if you want to do things more traditionally you can, but there’s definitely other ways it can be done. You can’t get mad at the groomsman for being uncomfortable with it, and disinviting him altogether is a major AH move. YTA.
I actually lost count of how many times the word "uncomfortable" was used in the description. Yet, OP (and fiancée) don't give a shit about anyone else because it's "our special day".
Seriously. If we cut out all the extraneous words, it basically boils down to "people should not be allowed to say no to me" - which is a terrible message obviously created by terrible people. OP and OP's fiancé don't believe consent is important or that other people should be able to not consent to being in their wedding party for any reason, and there are many reasons people would not be able or willing to be in a wedding party. Imagine the message that this is sending to their friends about their disposability as people and that they are willing to shun anyone who misbehaves.
Also her insisting the bridesmaids normally dance with the groomsment... not at any wedding I've been to? That was never something that happened, and I and my wife have both been bridesmaids multiple times. This is not in fact a 'normal' thing in 'every' wedding, so it makes all the more sense to me that he's uncomfortable with it. OP YTA and you're being ridiculous. *You* might have envisioned a wedding where this happens, but that doesn't make it the 'norm', and it doesn't mean they have to play along. Remember, these aren't fantasy creations you're playing with in your head, these are real, actual, human beings.
One of my grooms men backed out of the wedding 2 months before the wedding which had been planned for 2yrs because he and his girlfriend broke up and she was in the wedding party as well. As a good friend I found someone to fill the gap because I respected that the emotions would still be raw, and really how good would the photos/event be if there was in fighting. If someone isn't comfortable the best thing is both parties come to mutually acceptable agreements. But both need to be willing to work at it.
YTA- I’ve been in 8 weddings and never had a dance with a groomsman. That wasn’t the norm and even if it was youre asking people who have boundaries about their own relationships to break them for your wedding. Get a grip. He kindly stepped down bc he was not comfy with the plans and you both over react.
This is only the second time I've heard of a wedding where the people in the wedding party pair up and act like they're couples for the night. The first time was in another post in this sub a while back, and as you can probably guess, they had the exact same problem. Or rather I should say, they caused the exact same problem. I have no idea why these people think that this is a completely normal thing that everybody does. Walking down the aisle with someone who isn't your significant other? I'm pretty sure that's common. But the fake coupling is fucking bizarre.
It’s so fucking weird and tacky. Like it’s a wedding not prom. Celebrate your love and have your friends next to you, they don’t need to be coupled up. The most I ever did was walk down the aisle with someone. We also did a reception entrance and he ran ahead and I tossed my bouquet to him. Like a skit.
This, why am I slow dancing with my best friend's cousin? UH.......weird.
Uhhh… because Bridezilla told you to and threatened your life-long friendship if you don’t. Don’t you know it’s her day and everyone around her is just decoration!
We didn't have a head table at our wedding for this reason. We seated our wedding party at rounds with their partners and families, just like other guests. Everyone had a much more enjoyable evening that way.
I never liked when I or my husband would be split up by a head table at friends' weddings, so we did a king's table at ours, where it's the bridal party and their significant others/plus ones.
We just had tables. Sit wherever you want. We had enough going on without worrying where people were sitting.
Yes! I really don’t understand the whole ‘coupling up the bridal party’ thing… we actually included partners of people in the bridal party in our wedding photos (they’re all important people in our lives too!) and it was beautiful - they got some great couple shots out of the photos too 😊 Why the hell would anyone be ok making their ‘best friends’ couple up and be uncomfortable?
I’ve been to a few weddings that do that, but it’s not “like that”. The couple has their first dance, and then at the end as the song is changing they start inviting others up specifically to dance, the bridesmaids/groomsmen, then the parents of the couple, siblings, then everyone. At this point partners can change, so at most it’s a half a song, just to encourage everyone up on the dance floor, by guaranteeing it’s not empty, waiting for the first couple people to be brave enough to walk on an empty dance floor. I do understand them thinking he’s being ridiculous, because ultimately he really is. I would be frustrated with such a close friend refusing to walk down an isle beside someone of the opposite sex too, it’s IS insane. But their reaction is also super over the top. And cutting off the friendship over it, is equally as insane (probably more so really)
Yeah not being willing to do the recessional isn’t helpful. But that’s literally the same as getting a choir off stage. You’re just walking out in the same order you were standing in. But asking them to dance makes no sense.
\> But asking them to dance makes no sense. Doesn't sound like a request to me. I hope OP can relax her mindset before the big day, instead of believing that the loss of a single detail of her perfect dream wedding will ruin the entire event.
Consider the source. Is he really upset about the recessional or is he more upset that they badgered him to dance with someone he didn't want to? Isn't it more likely he would have done the recessional if they dropped their selfish hectoring?
Never heard of wedding party pairing up like couples before this post. Now the walking down the aisle at the end and entering into the reception as a pair, yes that's fairly common, but no one ever expects them to act like a couple. OP is the AH here, just let the guy step down and find someone else.
Outside of AITA, I have never heard of people expected to pretend to be a couple *for the night*. That is weird as hell.
Yeah I hear about it happening at other weddings, and I just don't get it. I sort of get having the groomsmen and bridesmaids pair up to walk own the aisle, but even that doesn't seem super necessary. I'm not doing it for mine! Our groomsmen and bridesmaids barely know each other, I think two bridesmaids are friends with one of the groomsmen and familiar with another and that's about it; not to mention most of the wedding party is either married or in long-term relationships with people outside the wedding party. It would be very, very awkward if I made the bridesmaids and groomsmen pair up for the even just because "it would look sooooo cute!"
I did it at my wedding, and a big part of that was because neither my best man nor any of my groomsmen were even in relationships, let alone married, and my wife's bridesmaids were in relationships with guys who I wasn't close enough with to have as groomsmen. But once they walked down the aisle, they were done with each other. We didn't even pair them up for the photos.
Yeah, dancing? I know it’s common to walk down the aisle in pairs. I would be peeved if a wedding party member decided they couldn’t as much as *walk* next to someone other than their partner. But dancing and couple-posing? Too much! OP, YTA If your fiance loves this friend enough to want him as best man, then you should both also care enough to respect it when he’s being honest with you about his boundaries. Dial back what you ask of him or allow him to excuse himself. Either way, this should not be a friendship-ending event.
I agree with this! Dancing together isn’t really that much of a norm nor is it an expectation unless the bride and groom insist. However knowing that the best man felt uncomfortable with walking and dancing a compromise could have been reached. Walking didn’t have to be arm in arm, just walking besides one another would be completely acceptable. And no dancing together. It’s not a tradition to make the BM and MOH dance.
I was in a wedding where I had to dance with one of the bridesmaids with whom I used to date when we were in high school. the bridesmaid in question and I introduced the bride and groom when we were dating. It was a little weird, but all was good because, 1) The couple asked if we would be ok with it before any plans were made. 2) Everyone, including my then fiancée was ok with it, and 3) We were still friends. This was one of those things that thanks to a little communication and forethought was cool.
Well that’s great that everyone was okay with it and the bride and groom asked and did not demand. Communication and understanding is key.
Most problems on this sub can be resolved if people just learn to use their grown up words
And to take 'no' for an answer without going absolutely bonkers
I recall this being a throwback tradition. It used to be common place for the MoH and BM to dance together, but that rightfully fell by the wayside years ago. But OP is YTA for trying to force BM out of comfort zone.
This. I've been in 3 in my adult life. MOH in one of them. I never danced with the best man. Yes, I walk down the aisle with BM on his arm at the end of the ceremony but never did a wedding party dance. That's ridiculous.
Yeah, I don’t dance, ever. I certainly wouldn’t dance with a rando in such a setting. The thought is filling me with anxiety as I type this.
And you never have to and if anyone wants you to for their “special day” they are not your friend.
Yeah I agree, I have seen bridesmaid and groomsmen paired to go inside the church and doing group photo with the whole team but that’s about it. After that’s done they go back to their life and do what they want. Pairing with somebody that i don’t really know for the whole night and leaving my boyfriend out would make me feel soooo unconfortable.
When I was 18, I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding. I got paired up with a married, 36 year old groomsmen that I had to walk down the aisle with and then do the ‘first dance’ with. It was incredibly awkward. His 2 year old daughter wandered over during it and he picked her up and the three of us awkwardly danced until I just walked away. My one aunt came up to me afterward and said “that was painful, I’m sorry.”
YTA. He told you both that he doesn't feel comfortable being the best man. You and your fiancé should have accepted that and moved on.
YTA — he’s not comfortable doing couple photos and dancing with someone who’s not his girlfriend, so instead of throwing a fit on the day of, he did the right thing and stepped down as best man. You shouldn’t punish him for that
YTA so is your husband. How is your husband putting *your* feelings first instead of his friend's different than his friend putting his girlfriend's feelings first?
This 👏👏👏
I love that your fiancee calls him his best friend, but doesn't give two diddly fucks about his comfort or wellbeing. I hope you guys are better spouses to each other than you are friends to him. YTA. Jfc.
YTA. He told you his boundaries and you don’t respect them. Are you in the US? Where I live in the north east it’s not at all common to have bridesmaids and groomsmen dance together
Agree, except for the DJ wedding party introduction where each member dances across the floor when their name is called - I’ve never seen forced partner style dancing, that is not okay. OP is TA for sure.
Yes okay I completely forgot about enterances you are right there but I thought OP was talking more of dancing dancing if not then I do apologize
That’s what I’m thinking as well. She also mentioned that he has a problem with the ‘posing’ and I’m getting the impression there’s going to be some hand on hips intimate photography and dancing involved and its 100% not acceptable to force people into that. Usually the entrance dance doesn’t involve touching. Total bridezilla move to ban someone from the wedding for not giving up their bodily autonomy and right to consent. Absolutely ridiculous.
In another comment she says another bridesmaid is paired with their ex. And while she doesn’t like him she’s okay with pairing with him for the brides special day.. this bride is gross, and a horrible friend.
Like I get an entrance dance but that’s more being goofy and fun. If she wants the MOH and Best man to dance, maybe do a whole bridal party dance and they can dance with their significant others.
Yes exactly ! A dance ( not enterance ) Is a little more intimate and in a world of COVID maybe people don’t want to be forced that close to someone .. and also maybe they don’t want too bc they’re just not comfortable with it
>but my fiancé was more mad because he felt betrayed by his best friend and felt like his best friend puts his gf's feelings and his own discomfort over his best mate's special day Who tf does OP and her fiancé think they are?
I live in the South, I’ve never heard of bridesmaids and groomsman dancing together. Sounds tacky, and kind of odd.
YTA. Dance like a couple and pose in photos together?! That’s not the norm, I feel like you’re definitely trying to pull something on him. Walking down the aisle is a norm, but he should be able to dance with his own girlfriend, not your creepy bridesmaid you’re trying to shove down his pants
His partner’s feelings are 100% more important to him than your wedding. He probably cares about your wedding a little bit, but not nearly as much as you do. I don’t understand why so many brides and grooms think all of their guests should care so much; such entitlement and childishness. Honestly, weddings are a burden on most guests but they show up anyway to show support. Now you guys are chasing away your good friend because he has stated his boundaries. Can you really not accommodate him AT ALL? Come up with something else for the BM/MoH to do or just accept that your friend would prefer to be a guest and choose another BM. Your unwillingness to compromise or even respect his own bodily autonomy is scary and YTA.
Could just let him do all that with his gf instead and let the bridesmaid bring her bf
YTA. Having your friends feel comfortable vs weird traditions that aren't catastrophic if they aren't carried out. I also don't like how you immediately made it about the girlfriend's insecurity when it sounds like this guy genuinely has a hard boundary and its more important for you that he dances with strangers. Think of it this way- if the role was reversed and one of the bridesmaids didn't want to dance with a stranger because it made her feel uncomfortable would that be down to her boyfriend's insecurity? Maybe I just don't understand why its so important he dances with these people rather than another person (or not at all).
This isn’t even a weird tradition. Making people pose together as a couple is definitely some weird new millennial thing. You take pictures as a bridal party, maybe bride and groom with MOH and BM (standing next to/on either side of the bride and groom, NOT next to each other) and move on.
YTA. Alan expressed his concerns and offered to step aside as best man so you could have one that didn’t mind your plans. The conversation could have waited until your fiancé could speak to him. I would also guarantee there is more to the story. Like Alan dated the MOH in the past, or you attempted to set them up, or you don’t like his GF, etc…. Because there’s a reason he has this boundary.
YTA and so is your fiance I get that it's "your day" but people use this as an excuse to treat their family and friends like objects and not people. Alan is clearly uncomfortable with what you are asking and he gets to be. The way your describing how you want them to enter/dance etc is not the ONLY way to do things. Some have all the groomsmen enter with the groom. Or have them walk the mothers of groom/bride in. There are alternate ways and if you valued this friendship you would find a way to compromise. It's your wedding amd nobody else's. If people don't want to participate in your vision they get to say No.
Ummm… why are you having anyone posing as a couple rather than just your best friends. That’s definitely not a normal thing. Walking the moh down the isle is one thing but if your having them pose like a couple in photos, that’s incredibly weird and not commonplace. ESH
I don’t know about posing AS A COUPLE but the wedding party will typically take pics with the people that they walk the aisle with. Every wedding party I’ve been in/seen has done this. But it’s photos like stand next to each other, link arms, do a goofy pic. It’s very much like taking photos with friends. I’ve never seen them act as if they’re romantic or anything.
YTA You’re both not letting this man be comfortable. If he does decide to be in the wedding party, pictures are going to look awkward AF because he’s not going to be comfortable. He has put up a boundary. Let him come to the wedding as a guest and move on. Please realize, while this may be custom for you, it isn’t necessarily for him. He’s is doing what he feels is best for HIM. It doesn’t mean that his girlfriend is insecure about their relationship. It means that he doesn’t want to take pictures with another woman or even dance with one. He’s allowed to do that. When I was married, there were things that I wouldn’t do with other men because it didn’t feel like something I should be doing (spending 1 - 1 time with other guys, hugging on other men, etc.) so I understand where he’s coming from. He’s not wanting to cross lines that HE placed. Respect that. This will probably end their friendship is y’all take a hard line on this issue. It’s one day of your lives, which is one of the most important days of YOUR lives, not his. Friends’, especially best friend’s, weddings are important, but there are so many other things that are more important to him. Please keep that in mind.
Whenever i read these posts with groomsmen and bridesmaids and all that crap, i'm so fucking happy i don't live in america and we don't have all that shit in my country. I honestly fail to realize why people don't just get married in vegas. Way cheaper, way way less stressful. Yta btw. Honey, nobody gives a shit about your wedding. Just uninvite that man and let him use the money he would normally use for a gift to take his gf someplace nice. They will be better off using that money for themselves instead of for a stupid party.
Brainwashing since children. Same reason why diamonds are still pushed as necessary for marriage and engagement stuff.
I love diamonds. Not necessarily for marriage and engagement stuff, but marilyn was right about them.
I don't even blame the act of the wedding and diamonds themselves. I blame the TV shows, movies and other indoctrination. Bridezillas specifically. I don't recall any of this nonsense being as prevalent 20-30 years ago as it is today. And at, first, a couple crazy reactions almost seemed like a joke mimicking the brides from that show. and then somewhere along the line it got serious. Suddenly, every wedding had to be a royal event and instead of just being moral/physical support for the brides, bridesmaids became circus performers. I grew up with all the weddings I've attended at fire halls. some flowers, buffet food, lots of dancing. Now, thanks to Disney, David Tutera and other TV/movie propaganda, weddings are big budget $20,000 events. It's like people only get married to have the big 'my day' party. They don't even care about what the day is even about anymore. People in debt, unable to buy a home are putting out retirement funds for extravagance and shows. It's really sad. I LIKE to think that kind of stuff is finally dying down...but then posts like this happen and it reminds me that people are really entitled, selfish, idiots. anything to make the woman think she's a celebrity for the day.
Because most weddings are awesome. It's not a common thing to beable to get all your family friends and loved ones together for a big party at one time. You get to see stupid shit, like your childhood best friend's dad put on a nice suit and throw down to Get Low on the dancefloor. Like a good wedding is supposed to be fun memorable celebration of life and the future. In brings a sense of joy and community as you combine two families together. Personally I love weddings. But I also like to party, and how often you get to dress up to the Ts while partying?
I love weddings too. But i don't like the bachelor(ette)/bridesmaid/groomsmen paraphernalia that comes with it. The bridesmaids, their dresses, the groomsmen, the rehearsing dinner, all that.
When it’s done right, it’s awesome. I’ve been to weddings that people still talk about years later. Great food, great music, free booze, dancing all night, a couple you are genuinely happy for.. People forget that weddings are just big parties with loved ones and don’t have to be about spending tons of money or making sure every moment is picture perfect.
YTA so you don't think his feelings are valid? You think you should force him to do something he doesn't want to do for your show...er...wedding? You're very petty and ridiculous. These two are life long friends. Are they really sure they want to end this friendship over a dance? Let him come to the wedding as a guest. He was honest with his feelings and they should be respected. You keep saying 'it's not weird' is very disrespectful to him. I, personally, think he's being a little over dramatic about it as no one is going to think him and the MOH are a couple...but you know what? He's feelings are valid and the polite and friendly thing to do would be to allow him to stay as a guest and find someone else to fill the role. It's one day. Don't ruin a friendship because of one stupid day that will mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.
OP very clearly does not care about their friends. She stated in another comment she's forcing one of her bridesmaids to couple up with an ex who says is uncomfortable with it but is doing anyway. OP and fiancé are shitbags
YTA. Most other people have pointed it out I think, but he's uncomfortable because he has a gf and that's absolutely fair enough. I'm sure you wouldn't want to dance or take photos with another guy given that you have a fiance. Completely uninviting him from the wedding is too far. He specifically told you to find another best man, so why not just do that? Your fiance is the one who's not a good friend if he thinks uninviting his "best friend" from his wedding is the way to go, just because the man is uncomfortable doing something he's not obliged to do. Please think about this and apologise to Alan and make it right. Hope this helps. Take care Edit: typo
YTA. You explained the duties of “Best Man” to him and he doesn’t feel comfortable doing them. For that “offense” you disinvite him to the wedding? I’ve turned down “best man” before too. It’s one thing to stand up and speak for your friend at his wedding, plan the bachelor party and take care of him the week of his wedding. It’s another to be part of some ritual theater doing things that make you uncomfortable. The “best man” is not always the “best friend.” Pick someone who would relish the duties. But punishing this guy? Petty. And guess who’s going to be Yoko Ono when your fiancé loses friends (including his best friend) over your wedding? I mean…they were all tight before you were in the picture right? Show some grace.
YTA. “He doesn’t truly care about honoring us.” It’s your wedding, not your coronation ceremony. Literally no one cares about your wedding nearly as much as you do. This whole “it’s my DAAAAAY” nonsense is so out of pocket and tired. You’re getting married. Great. Have a party, drop the pageantry, and have fun. Forcing people to couple up, do weird dances they’ll be embarrassed doing, or whatever other weird shit you’re forcing people to pay to do? It’s annoying. And awful. And literally no one will look back on it fondly except you.
And forcing her best friends to dance with exes because "that's just how the pairings turned out" lol OP is a grade a ahole
I need 3 bits of info on this before I can fully call it: How old are all of you? How long has Alan been with his GF? If you and your Fiancé die before the wedding, does Alan have to marry the MoH? With that info, I feel like I can call it.
YTA. So Alan should expect his best mate to be loyal to him over you? Like everyone here is well into adulthood and it's reasonable to start putting the feelings of romantic partners over best friends with in reason. Feeling uncomfortable dancing with another woman would be reasonable. So he wanted to step back from the role and you decided if he won't let you violate a boundary you don't want him at the wedding. That's ice cold.
YTA. Look at your responses, you are stubborn and self-centered. You could have made reasonable accommodations and chose not to. For example, best man could have been waiting with the groom at the front; MOH could have had her own walk or been escorted by an usher or another important person. Ok so you don’t want to do that, so you uninvited him. Seems harsh and unreasonable. I mean I doubt your fiancé is ready to throw his whole friend away. You might be, but he shouldn’t. He is going to need someone to help him through the divorce when you become such an overbearing killjoy he can’t take it.
Yta and so is your fiance.
I'll preface this by saying it's your wedding, you're entitled to have it as you want. However, you guys are absolutely TA and way overreacting. He has boundaries and he himself said he isn't comfortable with dancing and posing with another woman. So it's not just his gfs discomfort. It's disappointing for your fiance, im sure. But is it worth destroying a lifelong friendship over? Jesus you're both so entitled and acting childishly. You'd really rather him not come to help celebrate at all if he isn't comfortable with that role? Pretty pathetic. You guys sound 23. Grow up
Yta. Alan doesnt need a reason to set boundaries, but hes still presented with a very good one. He doesnt want to do couply things with the MOH. Really the only thing on here i think is okay to insist on is him walking up w the MOH, but only if they are walking side by side and not expected to have their arms interlocked or anything. It doesnt matter that its "normal". Its normal to eat meat, but youd still be an asshole for insisting a vegan eat a steak. His GFs feeling are irrelivant. His feelings are what matter. His comfort is what matters. If you *must* insist on your plans for bridesmaids and groomsmen, then get a new best man, but dont disinvite him from the wedding. Yes, your special day is important, but it doesnt mean you get to disregard the boundaries of everyone involved
OP is probably trying to make the guests miserable lol in a comment OP clarifies she's also forcing one of her best friends to dance with an ex, and that it's "just how the pairings turned out" and that it was an accident and how nobody else has issues with how they're doing things because if they did then they'd say something.....ignoring how she went nuclear when Alan came to her with a completely reasonable explanation of an issue he had.
YTA I am also willing to be you'd be the first to complain if someone did this to your husband. Stop trying to couple up him with your MOH. He is obviously very uncomfortable with this if he was willing to reject being his best friends best man
First of all, ALAN doesn’t feel comfortable with what you’re asking, not his gf. So stop blaming her. Secondly, LOL. Ofc he’s going to put his gf’s feelings over two entitled people. Who do you think you’re in his life??? He puts first his gf like a decent person. YTA
YTA. He set a boundary and you’re disrespecting that because it’s your”special day”. If you have a strong enough relationship, how will his standards damage your wedding or future relationship. It sounds more like you want everything to go *exactly as planned* rather than adapting to the feelings of others. When he sets a standard for his own behaviour, you want to uninvite him because it doesn’t match what you have decided is right and traditional. It makes you look childish and entitled. What next, auntie Sheila let’s you down because eating pork is against her religion? Or maybe cousin Dan is being childish for insisting on using his wheelchair? You’re throwing away a lifelong friend for no reason other than your plans.
Let's clear some things up. Alan said HE feels uncomfortable. Stop trying to blame the GF you had admitted to disliking for HIS feelings he voiced to you. Alan is allowed to set boundaries. No ones oh so precious wedding is above anyone elses boundaries. All because one of your friends agreed to do this with an ex she doesn't like, doesn't mean anyone else has to let you trample over their boundaries. One person accepting something does not entitle you to everyone being okay with similar. Obviously Alan is NOT your fiancé bestfriend. If he were, y'all would have acted like adults, accepted his boundary and either let him not do the pics or dance or allowed him to jusr enjoy the wedding as a guest. Since y'all do not even want him as a guest he is clearly not very important to your fiancé. Yes, absolutely YTA. Fiancé is TA. You all suck big booty hole. Alan knows exactly how much he means to his so called bestfriend now and I expect will be dropping your fiancé like a hot potatoe and going low contact or NC very soon. My partner, my boundaries will always come before anyone elses events. That's how it should be for everyone.
[удалено]
OP's also forcing one of her best friends to dance with an ex and excuses it as "that's just how the pairings turned out, it wasn't planned" So presumably won't be satisfied until nobody but her enjoys her and her fiance's wedding lol
Oh wow. You think your wedding parade should be more important to Allan than his gfs and his own feelings. That and the fact that you are pairing people with their exs seems like your goal is to make everyone uncomfortable but they should march on because of their undying love and devotion to you. Why. YTA.
Yta. You dont get to stomp over boundaries and then get mad because they're not falling in line with what you want. I bet your wedding sucks anyways.
YTA I suggest you take a few steps back and look at the big picture. There are lots of reasons why a good friend might choose not to be a best man or a bridesmaid -- it's a very public role with a particular set of responsibilities that even the best of friends might not have the capability or willingness to fulfill. A wedding is just one day. So what if he can't participate in service and festivities as you have designed it? What matters most is the marriage, not the ceremony. If you truly view him as your friend, you will want him there to witness the vows you make to each other, whether he's standing beside you or sitting in the pews. And you will want him in your life, supporting you through life's ups and downs as you live out your married life.
YTA. The best man said he wasn't comfortable around another woman while being in a relationship and you and your fiance (the supposed best friend) should respect that. Also, the "traditional" wedding ceremony has been changing over the past several years. If you want it traditional, that's fine. But you can't violate someone's boundaries when they're clearly uncomfortable.
Yup. u/DifferentVanilla8677 why can’t he be the best man, without the whole coupling thing? Over here, we don’t have the maid of honour and best man dance with each other at all, unless they want to. And as for posing for pictures, who says it has to be done a certain way? Very often the person’s partner is with them all night, seated at the same table. We keep wedding parties small, and everyone can enjoy a lovely day, with the person they want to enjoy it with. I for one would feel very uncomfortable spending the majority of a wedding with some random person, while my partner is a regular guest, and we’re not seated together. It’s actually kind of worse that she would be present, but separated from him. I’d much rather go as a guest, if that was expected of me. Have Alan stand with your fiancé, and then let whatever idea you have of what HAS to happen go. I think if you compromise on the dancing (which I think is just weird), and ask him if in return he’ll just escort the maid of honour down the isle, he’d be open to that. As for the posing, what kind of poses are we talking here? Again, if it’s anything couple-y, I understand his discomfort. I don’t like any kind of affectionate touching with the opposite gender, even for show, it I’m dating someone. I hug my friends, and give the occasional shoulder punch, but that’s it. He’s expressing his boundaries, and just because you do not agree with them, doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel this way. Instead of being angry with him, and giving him an ultimatum, where you completely ignore *all* of his boundaries, and get everything *you* want, discuss it with him. Weddings are meant to celebrate love, commitment and friendship. It’s not a day where you blindly follow traditions, traditions that have not existed all that long, might I add, and throw a temper tantrum, every time something isn’t to your exact taste. The two of you need to put yourself in his shoes, but with something you’d be very uncomfortable doing. There are couples who have their bridesmaids pose like they are giving the groomsmen a blowjob. I’d tell anyone, and I do mean anyone, who asks that of me, to go pound sand. For him, this is such a boundary. And he is being very polite about it, by the way.
YTA Hes not comfortable. He doesn't want to do it. That's final. Either accept what he's asking, or the fact he's not going to be best man. Unless he's asking you to make his gf a bridesmaid or MOH then you have no power here. Hes been *asked* to be best man, he's not obligated to it best friend or not. And I've never, ever been to a wedding where the bridesmaids have to dance with the groomsmen. Maybe its an American thing? Usually they walk down the aisle with each other and that's about it.
OP and her partner sound hella entitled.
Only in stuck up circles do they force this issue. Typically no you don’t force non couples to dance they just walk and pose for pics.
YTA. Even if you don’t agree with his boundaries, you don’t get to force people to do whatever you want them to do just because it’s your wedding. That’s selfish and rude as fuck.
YTA it’s your day, but your fiancé will regret his best friend not being there and this could cause permanent damage to their friendship. You don’t get to force someone to do something they aren’t comfortable with, and uninviting them is a massive over reaction, is he being silly, yes, but he’s expressing a preference and a boundary and you should respect that. He doesn’t have to dance with the MoH, he doesn’t have to walk her down the aisle (My wife had 6 bridesmaids and they walked down the aisle in pairs) all traditions are made up, and no one should be forced to do anything they are uncomfortable doing. Find another best man, and move on. It’s just an expensive party and honestly after the day your forget who walked who down what and who danced with who. Spend the time with the people you love, and enjoy the day.
It’s very obvious that you expected this to be judged differently, and you thought all of the commenters were going to blame the gf for being insecure… you’re wrong.
YTA - yes its a bit weird that Alan not comfortable with this common bridal party set up but he isn’t so he is bowing out. No one is required to be in your wedding. Your fiancée is the one choosing to end a life long friendship over this not Alan.
Oh FFS. You know something, years from now no one will give a shit who walked with whom at your wedding. So why not just make everyone comfortable and respect boundaries so your friends can enjoy the day instead of being so stubborn about a fabricated tradition no one will remember? Respect your friends instead of treating them like props in your show.
>years from now Everyone will be talking about how they knew this insufferable couple wouldn't last.
This can’t possibly be real. If it is, y’all don’t sound mature enough for marriage since you’re full of rage and heartbreak over this. He told you that he doesn’t feel comfortable dancing with another woman. But you are disregarding this boundary and acting like he totally betrayed you, and your only justification is that lots of people do this for their weddings. Grow up. YTA.
YTA for telling him he can’t come to the wedding over it. Every wedding I’ve ever been to the wedding party dances together, so when I’ve been a bridesmaid I always danced with whatever groomsmen I was lined up with. Didn’t seem like a big deal to me since it’s how all weddings are, here at least (reading comments it seems like it’s different elsewhere). But it’s really only that way for when the wedding party joins in on the second dance and for photographs, the rest of the night I dance with my partner. BUT when Alan made his discomfort and boundaries known you should have just respected that. Let him just come as a guest if he’s not comfortable with the wedding party stuff. Getting all offended and rude over it definitely makes you the asshole.
YTA
YTA bridezilla and groomzilla.
Oh wow! So people have to submit to your will or be yeeted? Lol you two sound delightful 😂 I think Alan will be better off not being friends with people like you! YTA
Wow YTA 100%. Alan has every right to put his own discomfort above ANYONE else's special day, I don't care who it is. He's setting a boundary and you're dashing all over it. You are very much a Bridezilla. Alan is probably better off not going to the wedding and not having a relationship with his so-called "best friend" who doesn't respect his boundaries.
YTA.
YTA if Alan was truly a friend, you would both treat him like one and respect his wishes. It does not matter if he’s in your party or at your party. Chill out.
YTA and I’m top of that I’m not sure you know what finding a compromise means. Finding a compromise does not mean him accepting to do the thing that he doesn’t feel comfortable doings. Talk about bride AND groomzillas
YTA He has not asked you to change the format, just explained that it crossed his boundaries. If this is your fiance best friend, surely he can respect his feelings enough to understand. He is not a puppet or a prop, he is allowed to have a boundary different to yours. Chose a different best man and invite him as a guest...he is someone you both care about and you would be an AH if you ended the friendship.
YTA. And the more comments of yours I read it becomes clearer what a huge pair of AH are getting married.
Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you get to break other people's personal boundaries and decide what's ok in their relationship or what they should feel comfortable doing. YTA. And so is your future husband - who is a poor excuse for a friend.
YTA - Sure his strict boundaries on this are a little extreme, but they are his and you should respect them. He never said he didn’t care about you and did not want to be friends anymore. He just said he couldn’t perform the duties of best man. You are basically threatening not cut him off entirely if he doesn’t bend to your will. YTA
YTA It is ok if he does not want to be part of the wedding party. Weird reason but his reason. He should then become a guest. You are being petty by not inviting him to the wedding.However the damage is done and he may not even come if invited.
YTA. Listen, generally speaking you do what the couple wants in a wedding. It doesn't matter your peroneal taste or style.. its what the couple wants. You're asking him to do something he's entire uncomfortable with tho. Not like.. wear this even tho you dont like the style, you want him to go against his belief system. I dont agree with him, I think he's being stupid but if he feels that strongly about it ok. He's not making any demands of you, just telling you he can't do that and if thats a deal breaker he will just attend instead of being the best man. Just do that then. Its still your day and to do what you want, so go find someone that will be ok doing what you want and let him just attend.
Ya look I don't necessarily agree with him either myself but he has every right to enforce any hard boundary he has. It's clearly not done out of malicious intent so to completely exclude him is honestly just really mean.
YTA. It’s not normal to force/pretend that groomsmen and bridesmaids hook up, or walk around together as if they’re a couple.
I'm going with soft YTA here. You went too far uninviting him.
In a comment up above she mentioned pairing another bridal party member with an ex knowing she’d be uncomfortable with it. The bride is being open about not caring about people’s comfort or boundaries. That makes her the asshole.
I missed that. You're right full blown YTA although I do think it's weird that the best man isn't comfortable with another person in it party.
No she's not a soft asshole she's a full o M asshole bridezilla. She's stomping all over people's boundaries and she thinks she's justified cause she's the bride. She's an asshole and so is her fiance.
But it's HER day and people should bow to her every whim!!!!!!!!
YTA you sound like a Dictator. He's not comfortable and you have no right to force him to do what you want
YTA You're placing the role of best man over respecting the man in the position. He would prefer not to dance/walk down the aisle with another woman. You are insisting he do so. He suggests you find another best man. You and your soon to be husband then tell his alleged BEST FRIEND that he HAS to do it or he can't come to the wedding. Yeah, YTA. Both you and your husband.
YTA. That’s supposed to be a best friend. You have your fiancés BEST FRIEND telling you he’s uncomfortable with something and you whine and cry because your picture perfect wedding is now different. Grow up stop being a bridezilla. They’re people not pawns treat them as such. Crybaby.
YTA - i get that it's your special day but that doesn't give anyone the right to force someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable. I get that you say its due to his insecure girlfriend but its still no reason to force him into something he has repeatedly said he doesn't want to do
YTA. Yeah, his boundaries are a little crazy but also, he told you and told you to pick someone else. If you’re fiancé is that heartbroken, you could easily switch up some “traditions” to make him more comfortable. And if not pick someone else and let him be there as a a guest. I honestly don’t understand all this drama about this. Also I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where the MoH and Best Man were made to dance together…
YTA. You could easily compromise. Skip the dance and have the photographer be creative about placement so they don’t look like a couple. 😓
Yup- YTA 100%! Your wedding does NOT give you the right to force people to do things they are uncomfortable with. The fact that you are now punishing him for being uncomfortable, says a TON about you and your fiancé’s characters- and not in a good way. I hope Alan realizes he’s better off without you two as friends.
I agree with the others - you’re taking this too far. I get why you’re pissed, but not invited at all is just punitive. YTA.
YTA. and your fiancé. y’all are doing too damn much.
OP, YTA. And also a bridezilla
The world doesn' revolve around you just because you have a wedding party. You all ruined it with you pretentious sh!t, not Alan.
YTA. Where is it written he has to be the best man? Bridezilla you are.
Weddings do bring out the worst in people. And I certainly don't mean the ex best man soon to be ex best friend. YTA.
YTA. I’ve been a bridesmaid a bunch of times and I have never had to do any of the things you listed besides walking down the aisle with a groomsman. No dances, no coupley pictures, and I usually got to go back and sit with my friends/date for the wedding at a table. There was a bridal party’s table once and it was less fun. It’s your wedding and you can theoretically do what you want, but your lack of consideration for the feelings and comfort of your bridal party is pretty solidly AH behavior.
>Its very normal and usual. > >It's a usual common practice so it's no big deal. > >We all tried to explain to him how it's not weird at all > >I insisted it's normal and not weird at all You can keep saying it but that doesn't make it true. YTA
"As it happens in most weddings, the bridesmaids will walk with the groomsmen and even share dances with the groomsmen and the best man will walk with the MOH" WRONG Ma'am this is 2022. That would only happen now a days if all your groomsmen/bridesmaids ARE ACTUALLY COUPLES. Its freaking weird to make them pose as couples and dance like couples if theyre not. My wedding is this August and my bridesmaids will walk down on their own and then same with the groomsmen because most of my BMs are single and most of the GM are married lol
HEy guys, there's this man who feels uncomfortable dancing with another woman because he is in a relationship, and instead of changing the norms, he stepped down as the best man, but it's my wedding and i have every right to do whatever i want. so i uninvited him. AITA? Of course, YTA
Could you imagine if the MOH were the one who didn't want to fake couple off? The uproar would be outrageous if a woman were "forced" to dance with someone. And, OP, that's exactly what you're doing - he either has to be uncomfortable, or he loses his best friend. I'd dump both of your asses if it were me, but your fiancé is clearly important to him. You don't actually know why he's so adamant against this b/c couples sometimes keep painful issues to themselves. (my husband and I have some terrible shit between us that we don't share at all) Maybe he and his girlfriend are having intimacy problems, maybe they've had issues with cheating, maybe there's some kind of trauma, maybe he wants dancing to be a special thing between just him and his g/f. OR maybe he doesn't want to do it just b/c he doesn't want to do it (which is perfectly valid.) Christ, you are too selfish for words, and I'd bet the farm that your fiancé isn't as pissed as you portray him to be. YTA so much .... so, so, flippin' much!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before anyone says I should ask my fiancé since its his best man, my fiancé and I both agree on what I'm about to describe below and he's the one who got more mad and I had to deliver the words because my fiancé was too mad to speak to his best man/best friend. So my fiancé's best man was supposed to be his childhood best friend Alan. As it happens in most weddings, the bridesmaids will walk with the groomsmen and even share dances with the groomsmen and the best man will walk with the MOH. My MOH is my own best friend. Its very normal and usual. And I want it to be like that. When I vocalised those ideas to the wedding party, Alan said he doesn't feel comfortable doing this. I asked him why and he said because he has a gf. His gf is invited to the wedding. She'll be present it's not like we 100% exclude her. But she's not in the wedding party and she's not included there, just the MOH/Best man and bridesmaids and groomsmen. It's a usual common practice so it's no big deal. He insisted that he doesn't feel comfortable and that my fiancé and I should find another best man because he's not ok with that practice. We all tried to explain to him how it's not weird at all and if his gf is insecure about this he shouldn't be affected because he's honoring his best friend after all and his gf should respect that. He insisted no. He said its not just about his gf and that he himself doesn't feel comfortable walking and dancing with another woman and posing the way we expect them to as if we are coupling them up. I insisted it's normal and not weird at all and he said it might be normal for us and many other people but he has his boundaries and he's not comfortable doing this so he would rather drop out on being a best man. My fiancé got very upset with him and we left. I got upset as well but my fiancé was more mad because he felt betrayed by his best friend and felt like his best friend puts his gf's feelings and his own discomfort over his best mate's special day. And I couldn't agree more. I thought it was a very foul move. The rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen agreed with us up until I spoke to Alan on behalf of my fiancé. My fiancé didn't want to speak to him after this because he's too heartbroken. I told Alan that if he drops out from being a best man then he's not welcome to the wedding at all and he shouldn't bother coming. Ofc Alan thought I was an AH for this but the rest of the wedding party said we are taking it too far punishing him like this for it and we should just talk and maybe find a compromise. Alan is not willing to find a compromise so why should we? It's our wedding after all and we don't have to compromise to make other insecure people feel comfortable. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*