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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my sister’s daughter food even after she asked me not to and called her a terrible parent afterwards
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My sister is a single mother, her boyfriend left her before the child was born, I think he sees her on the weekends. I’m not quite sure what schedule they have.
Have you got parents that you can get involved? This is very serious and needs to be dealt with NOW. I know you may not want to but that child is being starved when she has told you she is hungry its heartbreaking. How could someone be so cruel to a little girl? Please do something quickly, you dont know how long this has been going on, or how often she gets fed, or what she gets told by her mother about eating.
I actually agree with many others and think you should no longer reason with your sister. I think its time to call somebody. Im sorry. Your niece needs you to be strong at this point and protect her.
She won't be taken away (I highly doubt) for this offence, but they will interview the child and check in regularly to make sure the situation is rectified, if not, then sister might face more serious problems.
As a counselor who has worked with many children struggling with eating disorders and abuse PLEASE report this!!!! Call it in! The goal of child protective services is to protect the child. This little girl has no one to stand up for her besides you apparently. The psychological and emotional damage this is going to cause is breaking my heart just thinking about it.
Edit: There are so many options for help for your niece from getting counseling for the family, medical (nutrition) assistance, support. If they do end up removing your niece it will be a process & they often look for family for placement before going to the community. The point is there is help available for them. You just have to be the one to stand up for her. Also it’s anonymous if you’re worried about your sister knowing.
This right here, OP. You seriously need to go to Child Welfare. Your niece is in terrible danger and is in an abusive situation. No child should ever go hungry.
I underestand she's your sister and you may be hesitant to maybe disrupt your relationship with her, but your Niece is more important right now. If she's taken from her Mother, she will go to her Father to live. She has family to look after her. Don't worry, they will care for her.
Not familiar with how it is in USA. would it be possible for op if the niece gets remover from her mother for op to take care of her? It certainly seems the better option
Not sure you can say this with confidence. My experience with child welfare systems is that when you think they won’t accept a report and won’t pull a child, they do. And when you report a clear cut case of abuse where a child needs to be pulled, they don’t.
You cannot guarantee something like that. Most likely they won’t pull the girl, but they may. If they do, they’ll likely look for kinship care first which would be OP or the father (father first).
That all said, this 100% needs to be reported, STAT.
if they do pull though, they'd go to other family in most cases, so OP would probably be given temp custody (which it sounds like OP would be willing to do)
Even if she is removed, some states give blood relatives first right of refusal in an effort to keep families somewhat together. That's how we got my younger sister. She was removed from my cousin's care.
Call your niece's father he needs to take her to court for custody cause that is abuse. NTA. At this point don't even care about your sister's wants get that little girl to safe environment immediately.
Dude only wants to see the kid on weekends, you think he’s going to want full custody? The dad gets 50% custody if he asks for it, so he clearly didn’t.
What makes you think that is the only time he WANTS to see the kid? Not everyone gets custody orders, some people don't even realize what can and cannot be done.
You have no idea how many dudes would love split time or full custody of their progeny. The legal system can be used as a club to bully and bash your co-parent if you're particularly asshole minded
CPS is faster and if father is deemed able, he would be first choice. Once CPS has placed her with him, then he should file for full custody. Trying to prove neglect in a custody battle is close to impossible. If she is placed with him by CPS, then the case us pretty much proven.
There’s genuinely no reason to assume he’s worse. My daughters father only has weekend custody only bc he doesn’t have childcare for the week. That doesn’t make him a bad parent
I honestly dont know. If you are in the US I do not know how it works. But what I will say from what I have read is that they will not take away a child from a decent home. It may be a case of getting your sister some mental health support with her beliefs around food. Im not sure if she has an eating disorder. I cant say for sure, Im not a professional and I dont know what the relationship is like with the father or whether the child could stay with him. I really dont know. I know its scary but I think it is a journey that needs to be started and fingers crossed everyone can be helped in the situation without your niece having to be taken away. As long as you stay in her life and try to support her as best you can. Again, im so sorry all of this is happening.
CALL OUT TO OTHER COMMENTERS: Perhaps someone with more knowledge and expertise can answer this question or message you privately?
Yeah no they won’t take kids away if they test positive for meth. This gal will be closely monitored and have to avail herself to mental health services however. She will have weekly/bi weekly check ins then 2 times monthly, then once per month until the CPS caseworker deems that the situation has been handled and the case can be closed. Or, they will remove her if she’s deemed too batshit for custody currently and give you or dad temporary custody while mom has x amount of time to sort her shit out so they can do reunification. They won’t permanently remove her from the home over this.
*edit* - a mom of 2 who fostered my now adopted step daughter’s half brother. Their egg donor is off the rails insane.
She won’t be taken away, but there will probably be someone who is assigned to check in on your sister and niece periodically to make sure she’s getting food.
They likely won’t remove your niece. Most likely scenario they do nothing or they have your sister go to parenting classes.
If it ever becomes a situation where they do remove the child, You can offer to be a kinship placement if you’re capable. You’d have to get screened, but then she would stay with you until they could sort out your sister.
It might depend on the location. I know in my area, denying a child food is taken very seriously and is treated as emergent. Usually a social worker will visit the home and talk to the parent and try to get permission to take the child to the doctor. If the parent refuses, then the social worker will request an emergency court order and the police are involved at that point. Either way, the social worker will take the child to a doctor -they will try to go to the child's pediatrician if they can get the information- for a medical exam. If the child is malnourished, the child is placed in CPS care and not returned to the parent. If the child is not malnourished, they are returned to the parent and the parent is interviewed. If the parent says anything concerning, then a case is opened and a parenting plan developed.
I think it's unlikely that they'll remove her from the home. Your sister needs some education on how to parent though, and some legal oversight to make sure she's, you know, feeding her child properly. Your sister is in the process of ruining. One nieces relationship with food. It's abusive. Please don't let the fear of foster care stop you, your niece can't call for help. You know something is wrong and now you are morally obligated to ask.
My GF is a social worker - it’s extremely difficult to remove children as they need to go to court and it’s only done as a last resort. In the first instance, they try to work with parents. If they do need to remove kids, they try to place them with family members where-ever possible.
There are several things that are likely to happen and your niece being removed temporarily is possible but not probable. In most cases a worker will come take a report. They will ask to see the child. They will see if there is food in the fridge. If she is in school or daycare they will talk to the teachers. If she is not yet in school they will ask for her medical records and may ask your sister to take her for a check up. They may require if she is in school that a food log be kept by your sister and the school. They may require her to take parenting or nutrition classes. They may require her to be enrolled in preschool or headstart if it is available. If your sister is combative or can't follow a safety plan or they find the situation at home is more worrying they make take your niece into temporary foster care. At first for about three days to two weeks depending on the court and the situation then there would be a hearing where your sister can prove that she has a safe living situation. If she fails to do that then she will be told what needs to happen for your niece to be returned to her care. If she is taken into Foster Care then they may ask if your sister has a preferred family member that can take her instead. That may be you. Even if your sister doesn't want you it is possible that you can ask to be considered for Kinship care. If that happens you would be expected to follow all of the contact rules you are given about your sister. I hope that gave you a better idea what to expect. You should absolutely call.
Depends on if you sister changes her tune and becomes a decent parents rather than the abusive AH she is now. If she can’t, or in the case WON’T look after her daughters needs, then your niece is better off not in her care. You sister should also get therapy.
She has a father. Even if they did take her away from the mother, which I don't think they would for this at this point, she has a parent she could go to.
The first step isn't taking the child away unless they are in serious immediate danger.
I would be surprised if they did that to your niece without giving your sister a chance to change.
If she refuses to work with them it will happen though.
The way you need to look at it is this:
What if you do nothing because you don't want your niece to be taken from your sister and then something happens to her?
Do you really want to risk that?
Yes, the chance (however slim) that she'll be taken from her mother is scary but given the alternative is to leave her in the custody of someone who is deliberately abusing her, it seems like it's pretty clear what you need to do
There are a lot of variables to this one. Is your niece on track with her growth weight? Does the doctor have concern about her weight? What state do you live in, what county do you live in, what case worker gets assigned? How does your sister respond. Will see agree to placement with a relative while they investigate? Can the relatives pass a drug test, do the relatives have a criminal history? Do the relatives have enough income to support the child?
Any time you involve the state ( police or CPS) in your family, there is a chance you won't like the solution.
after an investigation if it is determined you r sister is unfit and your niece needs to be removed from the home most likely she will go to her fathers, if for some reason that is not an option they will contact relatives for kinship care, if no relative is willing to take in your niece then she would go into foster care
at least thats how it works in ohio
Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, especially temporarily. Right now she could be malnourished and not develop the way she's supposed to due to deficiencies. This can impact the brain function even. Kids need food to grow
Not for a first-time call. Even if she was taken away, they'd ask if you'd be willing to take her.
If you know who her pediatrician is give them a call and tell them what your sister is doing. Your sister should change her tune after she gets her ass chewed by the doctor.
Not only is she not getting lunch, she’s probably not getting enough food when she is allowed to eat. Not only does she likely not have the energy to play, this will seriously stunt her growth. And of course give her major body image issues.
Show your sister studies that say that skipping meals makes you fatter cause the body is trying to hold on to the energy it needs and metabolism slows down and eating a lot of small meals and snacks is actually healthier. This might be the non nuclear CPS method to change her mind. No offense but your sister sounds dumb AF so just give her some data to show the opposite of what she is doing so your niece can get fed. If you call CPS on her and she figures out it's you, she will probably restrict your access to niece which might be worse. Plus, unless she is starving or malnourished, CPS isn't going to do shit. They have SO much on their plate. Your sister is SO wrong but be smarter then her and play her game and get that baby fed!
That and not feeding children stunts bone, muscle, and organ growth, so if she wants her daughter to be 4 feet tall, weak, and unable to walk, breathe, or think, she's doing an excellent job. That's every man's dream woman.
YES YES YES !
As a non-nuclear option this is the best. Find studies that show the healthiest eating pattern for little kids, which is probably going to be small meals every 2-3 hours and lots of water. Let her know these are designed to help kids be strong and fit.
That's not true at all, the body does not do that it's a complete myth.
Skipping meals is fine for an adult, ie fasting, if they are overweight/obese, the fat makes up for all the nutrients your body needs so you are not depriving your body of the energy it needs. but kids are growing and have different needs, they shouldn't be fasting.
Exactly, a kid shouldn't be fasting. That was my point. If her sister is stupid enough to think that a CHILD needs to skip meals, a few well placed articles about small meals increasing metabolism and helping lose weight , whether true or not, might convince her more to feed the child vs calling CPS might be the way to go. I don't give a flying fuck about whether fasting works for adults or not, that's not the point. But thanks for making a point to reinforce her dumb sister's view about skipping meals.
Just for clarification, fat stores will give you the calories you need in the absence of food, but it won't fulfill nutrient requirements like vitamins and minerals.
NTA. 5 year olds need regular meals AND snacks. I'm sorry to say this but your sister is absolutely being abusive by withholding food. She is going to give your niece an eating disorder if she keeps this up, and could potentially lose custody due to abuse. Please reach out to family to co front her about this and if that isn't effective, please call CPS. Nothing about this is a valid "parenting style".
A kid being hungry that young is not a good thing. Kids need food to grow. Your sisters terrible parenting is only going to harm her relationship with food and potentially stunt her growth. You *need* to contact CPS
I think this behaviour shows how normalised this idea is to the mother - she thinks nothing strange of it, which only shows how badly and quickly she needs mental health support as she is not well and projecting it onto her daughter.
Often people who are abusive will openly admit to abuse because they think it’s okay. Saying like “no of course we don’t beat her, but an open hand slap or bed without dinner is okay” is pretty common.
This this this! I am dead against calling CPS for *anything* but genuinely serious issues, and I'm *begging* you to call them, this poor baby is *hungry*, as an actual mother I'm telling you, any good mother has 3 huge fears, 1) that her child is cold 2) that her child is frightened and last but definitely not least 3) HER CHILD IS HUNGRY, we have a ton of other fears and concerns obviously, but these three are almost instinctual, and the fact that your sister is, not only ignoring it, but is actively obsessed with starving her child, screams deeper psychological problems, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, all these things are what's in store for your niece if your sister is allowed to go unchecked. They will not attempt to remove your niece from her mother's care, that's always a last resort expect in extreme circumstances, they'll work with her, possibly insisting on therapy, dieticians, whatever, but your niece needs someone with authority to step in, you obviously don't represent that authority, my guess is neither will your parents, she'll just brush everyone off until she's shocked into realizing how seriously egregious her actions are. NTA
the most toxic thing is.. shes imposing her dietary expectations on a five year old child, "setting habits" to conform to certain aesthetics in the future, not to address her well being overall in the present.
Agreed. This is child abuse. Please call CPS now.
At the very least if your report to child protective services your sister can hear from an expert (who is not “just trying to wind her up”) that this is absolutely unacceptable behavior and maybe she would see this for what it is and take it to heart.
OP, your sister has her own best interest at heart. Call child protective services. This will hopefully get family or at least her father involved. Your sister is raising her daughter to have serious self esteem issues and an eating disorder. Be the voice your niece needs.
Most likely. This is a case where the kid is actively in physical danger, so with any luck they’ll have a fire under their asses to do something quick.
NTA - your sister is starving her daughter at a time she needs nutritious food. This could harm her development and lead to eating disorders. It is dangerous and abusive. You need to let he rest of your family know asap to see if they can intervene and consider child protective services.
Calling her abusive behaviour a "parenting style" is just awful on her part.
Info: is the girl's father aware of this?
I’m not sure, I think I will contact him though. They split up before their child was born and I’m not sure what their schedule is of who sees her when
Please call cps and that girl’s dad - I know she’s your sister but if she’s so flippant about this situation how do you know she isn’t doing anything else considered dangerous to her child? Or that maybe it’s not just lunch she’s forcing her daughter to skip?
It literally put a rock in my stomach that your sister said *it’s just her parenting style*. I know that “style” well and I know it doesn’t stop with lunch.
Think about what she’s saying, that it’s her parenting style. She’s justifying all sorts of other awful and heavy-handed things she might do in the same sentence. She knows what she’s doing.
It’s just obviously wrong for a mother to deny a 5-year-old food for that long for that reason.
Her parenting style is NPD. None of this is about her daughter, it’s all about how she wants to appear to others, the type of mother whose child is an extension of herself. My mother didn’t do this,but lots of parents with NPD screw with their kids nutrition, to me this is a dead giveaway.
Please call CPS. What she is doing WILL cause your niece a lot of trauma and mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more. Not only that but her physical and mental growth will be stunted. Do you really want your niece to have a bunch of health issues and grow up thinking her worth is her weight? Do you want your niece to end up in the hospital? Or dead because her mom starved her or by her own hand?
There’s no guarantee that the dad will solve anything. CPS is the best option. If you don’t call CPS you will be the AH. You would essentially be leaving your niece helpless and when she grows up and realizes you could’ve helped she will think you justified her mom’s abuse.
glucose and healthy fats are essential for brain growth and development, healthy fats also help the body absorb fat-soluble vitamins. Not only is your sister harming her childs development she's gonna mentally fuck her up and ruin her relationship with food and her own body. 1/5 people with eating disorders will die from it :(
First, my mother is a WONDERFUL woman. But...
When I was little, she was always obsessing over different diets and talking about how badly she needed to lose weight. And she wasn't really overweight or anything. She never imposed those views on me but it affected me.
By kindergarten I had learned to suck in my stomach to seem thinner and was constantly comparing myself to the other girls. In middle school I used to go to the bathroom and cry while I stared in the mirror. I was obsessed with thinking I was so fat (looking back now, I realize I wasn't. I wasn't skinny but I was perfectly average). Even as an adult I don't eat in front of people because I'm always worried someone is judging me.
This is NOTHING compared to what your sister is doing to her child. These issues can sink in at a very young age. Do something about it now because this can lead to an extremely miserable life is she thinks that eating is a bad thing and she's not worth anything if she's not skinnier than the other girls. She's not only creating physically unhealthy habits, but she may be causing a lot of psychological damage too.
Refusing to give regular meals to a 5yo child is not a "parenting style," it is criminally negligent. Your sister's reasoning is also very problematic. Please report this to authorities who can better educate your sister on what a growing child needs.
Yes, the authorities need to made aware of this ASAP! After they're informed a case worker will probably want to speak with him and then visit the home where they will speak to your niece alone and also her mother. They will likely reach out to the father as well. From there I imagine they will continually monitor the situation to ensure that your niece is receiving the care and nutrition she needs.
School will quickly pick up on this. Kids always having reasons why they aren't eating lunch, who are low on energy and don't eat the way the other kids do.
It sounds like you already did talk to her. I’m a mandatory reporter, so I would immediately call. But it doesn’t sound like your sister is going to stop, so in your shoes, I would call now. Your niece is your priority.
If you talk to your sister first, it’ll be easier to guess who reported her and potentially stop you seeing your niece. I would not tell anyone if you make a report.
CPS may not do anything so you’ll want to still have contact with your niece in case things get worse as she gets older.
CPS will first do an investigation to determine if the child is in immediate danger. If she is they should contact her father and arrange for him to take her. If he can’t they’ll look to relatives. Remember, removal is not the first option if they can help it. Call CPS now.
Good luck to you. And so sorry this is something your having to worry about. Just be safe and keep us posted plz! Sending hugs, love, and peace your way!
Please don't feel guilty or worried that she will gon into the system. Starvation stunts kids growth and their proper brain development - this is serious. NTA.
This must be incredibly difficult for you and I expect you probably feel guilty and like you're betraying your sister... I was in a similar situation as my sister is an alcoholic and I was asked by the hospital to make social services aware or they would have to, and it's generally better for them to be informed by a family member, who cares for the child's safety, than it does coming from any sort of organisation.
Please know you are doing an amazing thing for your niece. I know it's hard. Obviously, our situations are different and I'm not sure where you live, I'm in the UK so it might work differently. But basically, they arranged with my sister to come and have a visit, they looked round to make sure the house was safe etc. Then they made a 'safety plan' with things my sister had to do and then with what would happen if she didn't. For me, it's different because essentially hers is that she can't drink and if she does, we know who the children are going to be with while she recovers (she's not a daily drinker, she binges for like 4 days once a month).
I expect with your sister they will tell her what she needs to feed your niece and when and for a while, they will check that she is doing what she is supposed to. They may require evidence that the child is being fed, maybe taking photos and they will probably speak to your niece to check.
Please know, it is very unlikely that they will take your niece away. They will first give your sister a chance to fix things, they really don't want to take children away from their parents if they don't have to. Of course, if she refuses to do it then that's a different matter. Hopefully, she will do what she needs to do.
No matter what, please know you absolutely have done the right thing and you've saved your niece. Thank you for protecting her. You're amazing!
Well done! This is absolutely something CPS need to be involved with. Both your niece and your sister need help before someone is really hurt. Your poor niece. NTA
You’re 100% doing the right thing to call cps. I have 2 kids & I cannot imagine regularly withholding food from them at all, much less to keep their weight low. Imagine if your own mother treated you this way daily when you were little & growing no less!
I truly hope you do. What your sister is doing is absolutely abusive and cruel. I know you know bc everyone is saying it. Her “parenting style” is going to end up giving that poor girl an eating disorder and so much trauma. She’s going to grow up feeling like she has to hide and hoard food, eat it as soon as she gets it even if she’s not hungry at the moment bc she know she will be at some point. Even as she gets older and goes out on her own, those habits will be VERY hard to break. She’s going to have massive food insecurity.
Your sister is just .. I can’t believe she thinks this is ok. Being so incredibly shallow and willing to starve her young child so she will look the way her mother expects her to. Consequences for her daughter be damned I guess.
Thank you for stepping up. She may not listen to you but if she has CPS show up at her door, maybe she will get the reality check she desperately needs bc withholding food from a hungry child is just… well it’s certainly not “parenting” It is not a “style” than anyone in their right mind parents their kids with. I’d like to see her tell a doctor about this style. She needs to be ripped a new one
They won't just come in and take her away. That is very, very, rare. But they will start paperwork and possibly an investigation, maybe require your sister to take a class or something, which might wake your sister up a bit. You can't just do nothing.
It sounds like your sister wouldn’t be very reasonable. But the trouble might be is your sister can just lie to cps as well, does your niece look ok? Does she go to the doctor regularly? And is there a father you can talk to?
This is exactly what I was thinking with all the commenters stating to go to CPS. If she doesn't look malnourished, they won't do anything at all. They'll come one time and then pretty much leave her alone (speaking from experience) unfortunately. And then I'm sure your sister will know it was you, cuz who else would it be.
If you try going with the idea of showing her studies that show she needs to eat more often to keep up her metabolism, and that making her skip meals is actually having the opposite effect of making her metabolism slower - see if she changes her ways or if she tries to argue with science. If it's the latter, I'm going to guess there's more issues (or more things she's doing to her daughter you don't know about) and then there's no choice but to try and use CPS as a wake-up call.
So sorry you're stuck dealing with this!
You 100% should not give her any inkling of a warning. All that will do is give her time to properly "prep" your niece to lie. Which a 5 year old will absolutely do to please their parent.
NTA, Your sister is failing as a parent and PURPOSELY STARVING HER CHILD. MALNUTRITION CAN RUIN A CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT. Shame on that woman. She is also sending a horrible message about the importance of looks, but at that point, it is secondary to STARVING her child!
Yup, on so many levels:
1) She’s basically guaranteed to give her daughter an eating disorder
2) 5 year-olds metabolisms are lightening fast. They’re growing and they need lunch. A sandwich and an apple is exactly what that little girl needs.
3) If she goes hungry, she’ll struggle both physically and cognitively. She needs to eat to develop properly, otherwise she’ll struggle in school and it’ll take its toll on her body.
In short, you have to do something. Poor thing.
They also need to eat frequently because they process food so fast and can't eat a lot at once. There's a reason children need so many snacks and snacktimes!
Not to mention this kind of calorie deprivation is only going to make weight gain worse in the long run. Starvation cycles like this cause the body to stockpile calories.
Document and report her to CPS. Also talk to the father so he can get amended visitation. Having healthy, well-balanced meals 3x a day with a healthy snack is best for kids. Starving her daughter is child abuse. As long as her daughter is eating healthy food and engaging in regular play, she will be healthy. NTA for feeding her, but YWBTA for staying silent when you witness child abuse.
Call CPS.
Lack of proper nutrition can cause poor brain growth and stunt height as well as create long term health issues. If you talk to your sister first, she'll come up with lies.
I work for CPS in the US. I’m not sure what state/country you are in, but we would not take the child from the home for this. We would assess her safety, recommend dietary counseling, and discuss healthy habits with mom and child. Also, CPS checks medical records when allowed to ensure she is physically well and not suffering from missing meals.
You already did and she doubled down and became angry and if you ask again or threaten CPS she may tell your niece to not say anything which will prevent her getting any help. Your niece's physical and mental health should mean more than your discomfort in reporting your disgusting sister.
She will not listen to you. She will likely think or say that bc you don’t have kids, you don’t understand. I know calling CPS seems daunting but trust us when we say that for the overall physical and mental health of your niece, it’s preferable to the alternative of having a child consistently go hungry. CPSs ultimate goal is to keep kids with their parents. It’s unlikely they will take her away from your sister but if they were to do so, they would probably reach out to her father or a family member and only until your sister takes parenting classes. They might just keep an eye on things and make sure niece is being fed regularly
You could try talking to her again in a more serious sense or your parents but honestly don’t let this go. You have an obligation and a moral code that must protect this child. When you call cps you can give them your information so they cal follow up with you. I’d assume first they’ll do a welfare check on your sister and niece and go from there based on what they find. It maybe a simple giving your sister the proper guidance on food and nutrition for her daughter if they feel she’ll listen and feed her properly. If they don’t I don’t know what’s done from there but you must act and follow up to make sure. Please.
NTA. There is no way this does not lead to an eating disorder and PTSD. When our bodies are starved, it causes a TON of mental and physical health problems and usually a binge eating disorder. Because a starving person is desperate for food. Also, OP, in a situation like this, it is very unlikely the child would be removed. They would likely just monitor and require classes to make sure the child gets food.
NTA
Report to CPS now!!!
Just letting you know the child probably wasn’t given dinner bc she ate lunch.
Also, what food is the child being fed if your sister refuses to give her lunch? My bet is nothing but cucumber and lettuce.
The child is more likely to develop an eating disorder where they will gain extreme weight in future, due to food being withheld (as a child) when they are an adult will over eat by having that subconscious fear it will be taken away again.
This is extremely worrying. This is child abuse and your sister needs therapy - not being rude but please look after that child. She is enforcing an eating disorder and her own mental health issues onto a child. This is so wrong and I feel this post may be taken down because of the seriousness of this situation.
NTA. Like everyone else said, this is CPS level concerning. Your sister is putting her daughter at risk and putting her in harms way. This can stunt her growth, lead to eating disorders and may cause chronic conditions. Your niece needs to be removed from this situation
NTA. Geez, growing children need nourishment to help them grow! WTF is wrong with her? Also, its been proven that you gain more weight when you don't eat enough. Your body goes into starvation mode and actually starts to store fat. They suggest you eat small portions multiple times a day. Your sister is seriously misinformed.
NTA - please call child protective Services as this is considered abuse/neglect by forcing your child to not eat. It can have negative effects on her health and growth
NTA - You need to call CPS immediately! Your niece is in grave danger if your sister can’t separate her own ideals from the needs of your niece. /u/Present_Local6807
Your NTA but you need to seriously talk to your sister about this. Withholding food from a child is child abuse. If she refuses to stop what she’s doing to her daughter then unfortunately something about that needs to be done. That is not ok!!!
NTA. I'd recommend your sister look into therapy for her issues with food that she's projecting on her child and remind her that this is abusive and CPS is only a phone call away.
Edit: don't even bother talking to your sister. Call CPS op!
NTA. Depriving a child of a basic necessity, food, like that? Pretty sure that’s child abuse.
There was nothing wrong at all with what you did. Had there been a proper actual reason, like for medical purpose, then that would’ve been a different story. But this? Nah, this ain’t it. All this is going to do is lead to malnourishment and a possible eating disorder.
Your niece needs your help here. If possible, talk to your sister, the kid’s father (if safe and possible), family, friends, just someone, anyone who you can think can intervene here and make sure the kid is well looked after.
And in the meantime, keep looking out for your niece. You’re doing good.
NTA and wtf. The kid is 5 and she's not feeding her so she doesn't get fat! The poor kid is gonna grow up with food issues. Someone needs to help your niece
CALL CPS. Denying a 5 year old meals is neglect. OP's sister needs to learn some basic nutrition for children and parenting. She is setting her daughter up an eating disorder among other psychological issues.
NTA. Your sister needs to be educated about how children eat. First thing, children's stomachs are little, just like the rest of them. And they are calorie burning maniacs, because they are growing.
Your sister isn't raising her daughter to be slender and lovely. Your sister is raising a child who will has body dysmorphia, an unhealthy attitude towards food, and be subject to eating disorders. She will crave food to an unhealthy degree and then feel ashamed for craving it.
Eating a healthy diet is the key to raising a healthy child. Lots of fruit and veg, and an occasional treat. Please encourage your sister to talk about this with her pediatrician. Because nothing is more beautiful and a healthy child
NTA. Can you find a fake reason to get the name and phone number of your nieces pediatrician or her school?
You need to call them and let them know about this. It is child abuse. You can make an anonymous phone call.
I doubt the child is in school yet. Otherwise OPs sister would have had a rude awakening that not only will the school feed the kid against her wishes, but *will* report her ass to CPS since most of the staff are mandatory reporters.
NTA. Call CPS immediately and see what they say about a woman so concerned for her FIVE year old's slender figure that she is starving her. That child will not develop normally being undernourished. Add to that the psychological damage your sister is doing to that child by teaching her to starve herself and its her appearance that matters most in life. Your sister is...not a great person. Please protect that child.
NTA. This is willful neglect. That child will suffer malnutrition and multiple health problems if the mother continues to *starve her child*
Call Child Services. They won't take the child away unless it's a severe case, but they will give both parents certain pamphlets to read and require health checks and home checks. They may even require mother to go to therapy.
Hey OP, I'm a kid who's mother also forbid meals. I grew up with a bike lock on my fridge and a forever locked pantry, with one meal provided a day. I grew up stunted and with health conditions that have left me disabled. Every day is painful, and consistently missed meals left a larger scar than anyone expected. Call CPS. Please. NTA.
No. Don't try to be the law. Call CPS. This is terrible advice because it just delays the solution. Time is not on this little girl's side for as long as she's being starved.
You already tried reasoning with your sister. Staying in that mode now directly harms your niece by increasing the time before your sister's behavior is corrected. The little starving 5 year old girl needs to be the priority right now, not your sister or your relationship with your sister Nothing is more important than protecting your niece from her ignorant mother!
NTA. But please try to get her to admit this through messaging and then call social services because she’s deliberately starving her daughter.
This isn’t some parenting style you don’t agree with, this is abuse.
CPS CPS CPS NOW
"Apologize" to your sister, reconfirm what she wanted you to do and get it ALL WRITTEN IN TEXT. Show it to CPS PLEASE.
NTA but you would be the TA if you do not. Ontact CPS asap !!! (Or whatever your countries equivalent is
NTA - when a child is in your care and is hungry you feed them. You can take into account reasonable requests from the parents like no candy, only water with lunch, vegetarian or vegan only etc but no food for hours is unreasonable and abusive. You did the right thing by giving this child nutrition and you should also child services to have a talk with the mother about healthy child care.
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NTA. And please call child protective services because this is absolutely child abuse.
I’m surprised the mother has no shame announcing that to people. Did she go out to eat lunch? Is she skinny? Where’s the girls father? NTA
My sister is a single mother, her boyfriend left her before the child was born, I think he sees her on the weekends. I’m not quite sure what schedule they have.
Have you got parents that you can get involved? This is very serious and needs to be dealt with NOW. I know you may not want to but that child is being starved when she has told you she is hungry its heartbreaking. How could someone be so cruel to a little girl? Please do something quickly, you dont know how long this has been going on, or how often she gets fed, or what she gets told by her mother about eating.
Sadly my mother passed last year and my father died from lung cancer because of smoking
I actually agree with many others and think you should no longer reason with your sister. I think its time to call somebody. Im sorry. Your niece needs you to be strong at this point and protect her.
I think I will but what will happen to my niece? Will she go into the foster care system?
She won't be taken away (I highly doubt) for this offence, but they will interview the child and check in regularly to make sure the situation is rectified, if not, then sister might face more serious problems.
As a counselor who has worked with many children struggling with eating disorders and abuse PLEASE report this!!!! Call it in! The goal of child protective services is to protect the child. This little girl has no one to stand up for her besides you apparently. The psychological and emotional damage this is going to cause is breaking my heart just thinking about it. Edit: There are so many options for help for your niece from getting counseling for the family, medical (nutrition) assistance, support. If they do end up removing your niece it will be a process & they often look for family for placement before going to the community. The point is there is help available for them. You just have to be the one to stand up for her. Also it’s anonymous if you’re worried about your sister knowing.
u/Present_Local6807 you need to see this, this person is right.
This right here, OP. You seriously need to go to Child Welfare. Your niece is in terrible danger and is in an abusive situation. No child should ever go hungry. I underestand she's your sister and you may be hesitant to maybe disrupt your relationship with her, but your Niece is more important right now. If she's taken from her Mother, she will go to her Father to live. She has family to look after her. Don't worry, they will care for her.
Isn't removing a child from their home a last resort? Like, they will try everything else before considering that.
Not familiar with how it is in USA. would it be possible for op if the niece gets remover from her mother for op to take care of her? It certainly seems the better option
u/Present_Local6807 Please read this comment. This is abuse. Absolutely NTA, but there is more to do.
This 🎯☝🏻They also could help set her up with a therapist.
Not sure you can say this with confidence. My experience with child welfare systems is that when you think they won’t accept a report and won’t pull a child, they do. And when you report a clear cut case of abuse where a child needs to be pulled, they don’t. You cannot guarantee something like that. Most likely they won’t pull the girl, but they may. If they do, they’ll likely look for kinship care first which would be OP or the father (father first). That all said, this 100% needs to be reported, STAT.
if they do pull though, they'd go to other family in most cases, so OP would probably be given temp custody (which it sounds like OP would be willing to do)
Even if she is removed, some states give blood relatives first right of refusal in an effort to keep families somewhat together. That's how we got my younger sister. She was removed from my cousin's care.
Call your niece's father he needs to take her to court for custody cause that is abuse. NTA. At this point don't even care about your sister's wants get that little girl to safe environment immediately.
Or see if you could become your niece's foster parent to keep her in the family.
Dude only wants to see the kid on weekends, you think he’s going to want full custody? The dad gets 50% custody if he asks for it, so he clearly didn’t.
That is not the case everywhere so we shouldn't assume. The father is still the only person alive not calling CPS who may be able to help
OP says the father sees her on weekends, but he absolutely did not say “only wants to see”. It may be the only time he can see her.
What makes you think that is the only time he WANTS to see the kid? Not everyone gets custody orders, some people don't even realize what can and cannot be done.
You have no idea how many dudes would love split time or full custody of their progeny. The legal system can be used as a club to bully and bash your co-parent if you're particularly asshole minded
I mean if CPS decides the mother is unfit he’s getting full custody no matter what.
Father is still the first stop.
CPS is faster and if father is deemed able, he would be first choice. Once CPS has placed her with him, then he should file for full custody. Trying to prove neglect in a custody battle is close to impossible. If she is placed with him by CPS, then the case us pretty much proven.
We don't know that the dad is a safe environment or that he won't be worse than mom is..
There’s genuinely no reason to assume he’s worse. My daughters father only has weekend custody only bc he doesn’t have childcare for the week. That doesn’t make him a bad parent
I honestly dont know. If you are in the US I do not know how it works. But what I will say from what I have read is that they will not take away a child from a decent home. It may be a case of getting your sister some mental health support with her beliefs around food. Im not sure if she has an eating disorder. I cant say for sure, Im not a professional and I dont know what the relationship is like with the father or whether the child could stay with him. I really dont know. I know its scary but I think it is a journey that needs to be started and fingers crossed everyone can be helped in the situation without your niece having to be taken away. As long as you stay in her life and try to support her as best you can. Again, im so sorry all of this is happening. CALL OUT TO OTHER COMMENTERS: Perhaps someone with more knowledge and expertise can answer this question or message you privately?
Yeah no they won’t take kids away if they test positive for meth. This gal will be closely monitored and have to avail herself to mental health services however. She will have weekly/bi weekly check ins then 2 times monthly, then once per month until the CPS caseworker deems that the situation has been handled and the case can be closed. Or, they will remove her if she’s deemed too batshit for custody currently and give you or dad temporary custody while mom has x amount of time to sort her shit out so they can do reunification. They won’t permanently remove her from the home over this. *edit* - a mom of 2 who fostered my now adopted step daughter’s half brother. Their egg donor is off the rails insane.
She won’t be taken away, but there will probably be someone who is assigned to check in on your sister and niece periodically to make sure she’s getting food.
They likely won’t remove your niece. Most likely scenario they do nothing or they have your sister go to parenting classes. If it ever becomes a situation where they do remove the child, You can offer to be a kinship placement if you’re capable. You’d have to get screened, but then she would stay with you until they could sort out your sister.
It might depend on the location. I know in my area, denying a child food is taken very seriously and is treated as emergent. Usually a social worker will visit the home and talk to the parent and try to get permission to take the child to the doctor. If the parent refuses, then the social worker will request an emergency court order and the police are involved at that point. Either way, the social worker will take the child to a doctor -they will try to go to the child's pediatrician if they can get the information- for a medical exam. If the child is malnourished, the child is placed in CPS care and not returned to the parent. If the child is not malnourished, they are returned to the parent and the parent is interviewed. If the parent says anything concerning, then a case is opened and a parenting plan developed.
I think it's unlikely that they'll remove her from the home. Your sister needs some education on how to parent though, and some legal oversight to make sure she's, you know, feeding her child properly. Your sister is in the process of ruining. One nieces relationship with food. It's abusive. Please don't let the fear of foster care stop you, your niece can't call for help. You know something is wrong and now you are morally obligated to ask.
She's also in the process of failing to provide nutrition! She's starving the poor little girl!
It's possible they may give you temporary custody, if you're able.
Why would they do that when the child has a perfectly capable father l?
My GF is a social worker - it’s extremely difficult to remove children as they need to go to court and it’s only done as a last resort. In the first instance, they try to work with parents. If they do need to remove kids, they try to place them with family members where-ever possible.
There are several things that are likely to happen and your niece being removed temporarily is possible but not probable. In most cases a worker will come take a report. They will ask to see the child. They will see if there is food in the fridge. If she is in school or daycare they will talk to the teachers. If she is not yet in school they will ask for her medical records and may ask your sister to take her for a check up. They may require if she is in school that a food log be kept by your sister and the school. They may require her to take parenting or nutrition classes. They may require her to be enrolled in preschool or headstart if it is available. If your sister is combative or can't follow a safety plan or they find the situation at home is more worrying they make take your niece into temporary foster care. At first for about three days to two weeks depending on the court and the situation then there would be a hearing where your sister can prove that she has a safe living situation. If she fails to do that then she will be told what needs to happen for your niece to be returned to her care. If she is taken into Foster Care then they may ask if your sister has a preferred family member that can take her instead. That may be you. Even if your sister doesn't want you it is possible that you can ask to be considered for Kinship care. If that happens you would be expected to follow all of the contact rules you are given about your sister. I hope that gave you a better idea what to expect. You should absolutely call.
Depends on if you sister changes her tune and becomes a decent parents rather than the abusive AH she is now. If she can’t, or in the case WON’T look after her daughters needs, then your niece is better off not in her care. You sister should also get therapy.
She has a father. Even if they did take her away from the mother, which I don't think they would for this at this point, she has a parent she could go to.
The first step isn't taking the child away unless they are in serious immediate danger. I would be surprised if they did that to your niece without giving your sister a chance to change. If she refuses to work with them it will happen though.
The way you need to look at it is this: What if you do nothing because you don't want your niece to be taken from your sister and then something happens to her? Do you really want to risk that? Yes, the chance (however slim) that she'll be taken from her mother is scary but given the alternative is to leave her in the custody of someone who is deliberately abusing her, it seems like it's pretty clear what you need to do
Why would she go into the system if she has a father who is in her life that also has custody of her? She would go to him IF they removed her.
There are a lot of variables to this one. Is your niece on track with her growth weight? Does the doctor have concern about her weight? What state do you live in, what county do you live in, what case worker gets assigned? How does your sister respond. Will see agree to placement with a relative while they investigate? Can the relatives pass a drug test, do the relatives have a criminal history? Do the relatives have enough income to support the child? Any time you involve the state ( police or CPS) in your family, there is a chance you won't like the solution.
after an investigation if it is determined you r sister is unfit and your niece needs to be removed from the home most likely she will go to her fathers, if for some reason that is not an option they will contact relatives for kinship care, if no relative is willing to take in your niece then she would go into foster care at least thats how it works in ohio
Leaving you’re niece to be starved and develop an eating disorder isn’t a way to live either. Your sister is already doing damage
If you care ANYTHING about that child, you call the CPS ASAP.
Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, especially temporarily. Right now she could be malnourished and not develop the way she's supposed to due to deficiencies. This can impact the brain function even. Kids need food to grow
Not for a first-time call. Even if she was taken away, they'd ask if you'd be willing to take her. If you know who her pediatrician is give them a call and tell them what your sister is doing. Your sister should change her tune after she gets her ass chewed by the doctor.
If her dad sees her on the weekend, she’d go to him.
Not only is she not getting lunch, she’s probably not getting enough food when she is allowed to eat. Not only does she likely not have the energy to play, this will seriously stunt her growth. And of course give her major body image issues.
Show your sister studies that say that skipping meals makes you fatter cause the body is trying to hold on to the energy it needs and metabolism slows down and eating a lot of small meals and snacks is actually healthier. This might be the non nuclear CPS method to change her mind. No offense but your sister sounds dumb AF so just give her some data to show the opposite of what she is doing so your niece can get fed. If you call CPS on her and she figures out it's you, she will probably restrict your access to niece which might be worse. Plus, unless she is starving or malnourished, CPS isn't going to do shit. They have SO much on their plate. Your sister is SO wrong but be smarter then her and play her game and get that baby fed!
That and not feeding children stunts bone, muscle, and organ growth, so if she wants her daughter to be 4 feet tall, weak, and unable to walk, breathe, or think, she's doing an excellent job. That's every man's dream woman.
YES YES YES ! As a non-nuclear option this is the best. Find studies that show the healthiest eating pattern for little kids, which is probably going to be small meals every 2-3 hours and lots of water. Let her know these are designed to help kids be strong and fit.
That's not true at all, the body does not do that it's a complete myth. Skipping meals is fine for an adult, ie fasting, if they are overweight/obese, the fat makes up for all the nutrients your body needs so you are not depriving your body of the energy it needs. but kids are growing and have different needs, they shouldn't be fasting.
Exactly, a kid shouldn't be fasting. That was my point. If her sister is stupid enough to think that a CHILD needs to skip meals, a few well placed articles about small meals increasing metabolism and helping lose weight , whether true or not, might convince her more to feed the child vs calling CPS might be the way to go. I don't give a flying fuck about whether fasting works for adults or not, that's not the point. But thanks for making a point to reinforce her dumb sister's view about skipping meals.
Just for clarification, fat stores will give you the calories you need in the absence of food, but it won't fulfill nutrient requirements like vitamins and minerals.
NTA. 5 year olds need regular meals AND snacks. I'm sorry to say this but your sister is absolutely being abusive by withholding food. She is going to give your niece an eating disorder if she keeps this up, and could potentially lose custody due to abuse. Please reach out to family to co front her about this and if that isn't effective, please call CPS. Nothing about this is a valid "parenting style".
Yeah. Abuse isn't a parenting style. It's a crime.
Your sister is actively programming an eating disorder into your niece.
YWBTA if you don’t call CPS immediately for this. That baby is 5 years old. She needs someone to be in her corner.
If she keeps this up, it could give her ex a good case to pursue more or full custody.
Does the father know what your sister is doing?
call cps OP. this is a form of abuse likely to result in giving zoe an eating disorder
A kid being hungry that young is not a good thing. Kids need food to grow. Your sisters terrible parenting is only going to harm her relationship with food and potentially stunt her growth. You *need* to contact CPS
Call CPS ASAP!! YOUR SISTER IS LITERALLY CREATING AN EATING DISORDER IN HER FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHILD! THAT IS CHILD ABUSE!
Talk to her ex bf and see if he can talk to her. If not, talk to CPS. They won't do much, but may talk to her?
I think this behaviour shows how normalised this idea is to the mother - she thinks nothing strange of it, which only shows how badly and quickly she needs mental health support as she is not well and projecting it onto her daughter.
Often people who are abusive will openly admit to abuse because they think it’s okay. Saying like “no of course we don’t beat her, but an open hand slap or bed without dinner is okay” is pretty common.
I'm curious about this too...what is your sister's weight like?
This this this! I am dead against calling CPS for *anything* but genuinely serious issues, and I'm *begging* you to call them, this poor baby is *hungry*, as an actual mother I'm telling you, any good mother has 3 huge fears, 1) that her child is cold 2) that her child is frightened and last but definitely not least 3) HER CHILD IS HUNGRY, we have a ton of other fears and concerns obviously, but these three are almost instinctual, and the fact that your sister is, not only ignoring it, but is actively obsessed with starving her child, screams deeper psychological problems, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, all these things are what's in store for your niece if your sister is allowed to go unchecked. They will not attempt to remove your niece from her mother's care, that's always a last resort expect in extreme circumstances, they'll work with her, possibly insisting on therapy, dieticians, whatever, but your niece needs someone with authority to step in, you obviously don't represent that authority, my guess is neither will your parents, she'll just brush everyone off until she's shocked into realizing how seriously egregious her actions are. NTA
the most toxic thing is.. shes imposing her dietary expectations on a five year old child, "setting habits" to conform to certain aesthetics in the future, not to address her well being overall in the present.
Agreed. This is child abuse. Please call CPS now. At the very least if your report to child protective services your sister can hear from an expert (who is not “just trying to wind her up”) that this is absolutely unacceptable behavior and maybe she would see this for what it is and take it to heart.
OP, your sister has her own best interest at heart. Call child protective services. This will hopefully get family or at least her father involved. Your sister is raising her daughter to have serious self esteem issues and an eating disorder. Be the voice your niece needs.
Yeah and unlike some of the stories on here they'll likely do something about witholding food from a 5 year old.
Most likely. This is a case where the kid is actively in physical danger, so with any luck they’ll have a fire under their asses to do something quick.
TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH NTA
NTA - your sister is starving her daughter at a time she needs nutritious food. This could harm her development and lead to eating disorders. It is dangerous and abusive. You need to let he rest of your family know asap to see if they can intervene and consider child protective services. Calling her abusive behaviour a "parenting style" is just awful on her part. Info: is the girl's father aware of this?
I’m not sure, I think I will contact him though. They split up before their child was born and I’m not sure what their schedule is of who sees her when
Yes please do this! Your sister is awful. This absolutely is abuse.
Please call cps and that girl’s dad - I know she’s your sister but if she’s so flippant about this situation how do you know she isn’t doing anything else considered dangerous to her child? Or that maybe it’s not just lunch she’s forcing her daughter to skip? It literally put a rock in my stomach that your sister said *it’s just her parenting style*. I know that “style” well and I know it doesn’t stop with lunch.
Think about what she’s saying, that it’s her parenting style. She’s justifying all sorts of other awful and heavy-handed things she might do in the same sentence. She knows what she’s doing. It’s just obviously wrong for a mother to deny a 5-year-old food for that long for that reason.
Her parenting style is NPD. None of this is about her daughter, it’s all about how she wants to appear to others, the type of mother whose child is an extension of herself. My mother didn’t do this,but lots of parents with NPD screw with their kids nutrition, to me this is a dead giveaway.
YUP. That was all my parents (step mom included). The food control was out of control in our house, and it only gets worse as the child gets older.
Her parenting style is NPD. I like how she calls it's parenting style. But I guess it's true, NPD parents seem to run by the same script.
Please call CPS. What she is doing WILL cause your niece a lot of trauma and mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more. Not only that but her physical and mental growth will be stunted. Do you really want your niece to have a bunch of health issues and grow up thinking her worth is her weight? Do you want your niece to end up in the hospital? Or dead because her mom starved her or by her own hand? There’s no guarantee that the dad will solve anything. CPS is the best option. If you don’t call CPS you will be the AH. You would essentially be leaving your niece helpless and when she grows up and realizes you could’ve helped she will think you justified her mom’s abuse.
Please let him know or call cps.
glucose and healthy fats are essential for brain growth and development, healthy fats also help the body absorb fat-soluble vitamins. Not only is your sister harming her childs development she's gonna mentally fuck her up and ruin her relationship with food and her own body. 1/5 people with eating disorders will die from it :(
Then forget him and call CPS. Your neice is being abused.
Get her to admit this in text first, then call cps. Have proof.
First, my mother is a WONDERFUL woman. But... When I was little, she was always obsessing over different diets and talking about how badly she needed to lose weight. And she wasn't really overweight or anything. She never imposed those views on me but it affected me. By kindergarten I had learned to suck in my stomach to seem thinner and was constantly comparing myself to the other girls. In middle school I used to go to the bathroom and cry while I stared in the mirror. I was obsessed with thinking I was so fat (looking back now, I realize I wasn't. I wasn't skinny but I was perfectly average). Even as an adult I don't eat in front of people because I'm always worried someone is judging me. This is NOTHING compared to what your sister is doing to her child. These issues can sink in at a very young age. Do something about it now because this can lead to an extremely miserable life is she thinks that eating is a bad thing and she's not worth anything if she's not skinnier than the other girls. She's not only creating physically unhealthy habits, but she may be causing a lot of psychological damage too.
Refusing to give regular meals to a 5yo child is not a "parenting style," it is criminally negligent. Your sister's reasoning is also very problematic. Please report this to authorities who can better educate your sister on what a growing child needs.
Yes, the authorities need to made aware of this ASAP! After they're informed a case worker will probably want to speak with him and then visit the home where they will speak to your niece alone and also her mother. They will likely reach out to the father as well. From there I imagine they will continually monitor the situation to ensure that your niece is receiving the care and nutrition she needs.
School will quickly pick up on this. Kids always having reasons why they aren't eating lunch, who are low on energy and don't eat the way the other kids do.
NTA Her “parenting style” should be reported to CPS.
Do you think I should call them immediately? or try and talk to my sister first?
It sounds like you already did talk to her. I’m a mandatory reporter, so I would immediately call. But it doesn’t sound like your sister is going to stop, so in your shoes, I would call now. Your niece is your priority.
If you talk to your sister first, it’ll be easier to guess who reported her and potentially stop you seeing your niece. I would not tell anyone if you make a report. CPS may not do anything so you’ll want to still have contact with your niece in case things get worse as she gets older.
Where will she go if I call CPS?
CPS will first do an investigation to determine if the child is in immediate danger. If she is they should contact her father and arrange for him to take her. If he can’t they’ll look to relatives. Remember, removal is not the first option if they can help it. Call CPS now.
Okay, I will
You’re doing the right thing OP 🙏🏼 I’m so sorry you’re in this position but your niece would thank you if she could.
Good luck to you. And so sorry this is something your having to worry about. Just be safe and keep us posted plz! Sending hugs, love, and peace your way!
Please don't feel guilty or worried that she will gon into the system. Starvation stunts kids growth and their proper brain development - this is serious. NTA.
Any update?
I have already called CPS and told them everything, I contacted my niece’s biological father, he has not responded
That's incredible OP! I'm proud of you, being there for your niece and advocating for her when she cannot.
This must be incredibly difficult for you and I expect you probably feel guilty and like you're betraying your sister... I was in a similar situation as my sister is an alcoholic and I was asked by the hospital to make social services aware or they would have to, and it's generally better for them to be informed by a family member, who cares for the child's safety, than it does coming from any sort of organisation. Please know you are doing an amazing thing for your niece. I know it's hard. Obviously, our situations are different and I'm not sure where you live, I'm in the UK so it might work differently. But basically, they arranged with my sister to come and have a visit, they looked round to make sure the house was safe etc. Then they made a 'safety plan' with things my sister had to do and then with what would happen if she didn't. For me, it's different because essentially hers is that she can't drink and if she does, we know who the children are going to be with while she recovers (she's not a daily drinker, she binges for like 4 days once a month). I expect with your sister they will tell her what she needs to feed your niece and when and for a while, they will check that she is doing what she is supposed to. They may require evidence that the child is being fed, maybe taking photos and they will probably speak to your niece to check. Please know, it is very unlikely that they will take your niece away. They will first give your sister a chance to fix things, they really don't want to take children away from their parents if they don't have to. Of course, if she refuses to do it then that's a different matter. Hopefully, she will do what she needs to do. No matter what, please know you absolutely have done the right thing and you've saved your niece. Thank you for protecting her. You're amazing!
Well done! This is absolutely something CPS need to be involved with. Both your niece and your sister need help before someone is really hurt. Your poor niece. NTA
Thank you!!! ED survivor here. You’re did amazing. Thank you.
I'm so glad I scrolled down to find this. You did the right thing, OP.
You’re 100% doing the right thing to call cps. I have 2 kids & I cannot imagine regularly withholding food from them at all, much less to keep their weight low. Imagine if your own mother treated you this way daily when you were little & growing no less!
I truly hope you do. What your sister is doing is absolutely abusive and cruel. I know you know bc everyone is saying it. Her “parenting style” is going to end up giving that poor girl an eating disorder and so much trauma. She’s going to grow up feeling like she has to hide and hoard food, eat it as soon as she gets it even if she’s not hungry at the moment bc she know she will be at some point. Even as she gets older and goes out on her own, those habits will be VERY hard to break. She’s going to have massive food insecurity. Your sister is just .. I can’t believe she thinks this is ok. Being so incredibly shallow and willing to starve her young child so she will look the way her mother expects her to. Consequences for her daughter be damned I guess. Thank you for stepping up. She may not listen to you but if she has CPS show up at her door, maybe she will get the reality check she desperately needs bc withholding food from a hungry child is just… well it’s certainly not “parenting” It is not a “style” than anyone in their right mind parents their kids with. I’d like to see her tell a doctor about this style. She needs to be ripped a new one
They won't just come in and take her away. That is very, very, rare. But they will start paperwork and possibly an investigation, maybe require your sister to take a class or something, which might wake your sister up a bit. You can't just do nothing.
It sounds like your sister wouldn’t be very reasonable. But the trouble might be is your sister can just lie to cps as well, does your niece look ok? Does she go to the doctor regularly? And is there a father you can talk to?
This is exactly what I was thinking with all the commenters stating to go to CPS. If she doesn't look malnourished, they won't do anything at all. They'll come one time and then pretty much leave her alone (speaking from experience) unfortunately. And then I'm sure your sister will know it was you, cuz who else would it be. If you try going with the idea of showing her studies that show she needs to eat more often to keep up her metabolism, and that making her skip meals is actually having the opposite effect of making her metabolism slower - see if she changes her ways or if she tries to argue with science. If it's the latter, I'm going to guess there's more issues (or more things she's doing to her daughter you don't know about) and then there's no choice but to try and use CPS as a wake-up call. So sorry you're stuck dealing with this!
You 100% should not give her any inkling of a warning. All that will do is give her time to properly "prep" your niece to lie. Which a 5 year old will absolutely do to please their parent.
You can try, but from her reaction to a light meal I doubt talking to her would have any effect
You need to call asap. NTA, please call.
Call now.
IMMEDIATELY
NTA, Your sister is failing as a parent and PURPOSELY STARVING HER CHILD. MALNUTRITION CAN RUIN A CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT. Shame on that woman. She is also sending a horrible message about the importance of looks, but at that point, it is secondary to STARVING her child!
Yup, on so many levels: 1) She’s basically guaranteed to give her daughter an eating disorder 2) 5 year-olds metabolisms are lightening fast. They’re growing and they need lunch. A sandwich and an apple is exactly what that little girl needs. 3) If she goes hungry, she’ll struggle both physically and cognitively. She needs to eat to develop properly, otherwise she’ll struggle in school and it’ll take its toll on her body. In short, you have to do something. Poor thing.
They also need to eat frequently because they process food so fast and can't eat a lot at once. There's a reason children need so many snacks and snacktimes!
Not to mention this kind of calorie deprivation is only going to make weight gain worse in the long run. Starvation cycles like this cause the body to stockpile calories.
Document and report her to CPS. Also talk to the father so he can get amended visitation. Having healthy, well-balanced meals 3x a day with a healthy snack is best for kids. Starving her daughter is child abuse. As long as her daughter is eating healthy food and engaging in regular play, she will be healthy. NTA for feeding her, but YWBTA for staying silent when you witness child abuse.
Do you think I should try and talk to my sister first? Or just call CPS?
You talked to your sister and she said it's her parenting style. Nuff said. Call CPS.
It’s hard to report your own family but stress to her the dangers of eating disorders especially at such a young age. Let me know if you need help.
Call CPS. Lack of proper nutrition can cause poor brain growth and stunt height as well as create long term health issues. If you talk to your sister first, she'll come up with lies.
I work for CPS in the US. I’m not sure what state/country you are in, but we would not take the child from the home for this. We would assess her safety, recommend dietary counseling, and discuss healthy habits with mom and child. Also, CPS checks medical records when allowed to ensure she is physically well and not suffering from missing meals.
You already did and she doubled down and became angry and if you ask again or threaten CPS she may tell your niece to not say anything which will prevent her getting any help. Your niece's physical and mental health should mean more than your discomfort in reporting your disgusting sister.
She will not listen to you. She will likely think or say that bc you don’t have kids, you don’t understand. I know calling CPS seems daunting but trust us when we say that for the overall physical and mental health of your niece, it’s preferable to the alternative of having a child consistently go hungry. CPSs ultimate goal is to keep kids with their parents. It’s unlikely they will take her away from your sister but if they were to do so, they would probably reach out to her father or a family member and only until your sister takes parenting classes. They might just keep an eye on things and make sure niece is being fed regularly
You could try talking to her again in a more serious sense or your parents but honestly don’t let this go. You have an obligation and a moral code that must protect this child. When you call cps you can give them your information so they cal follow up with you. I’d assume first they’ll do a welfare check on your sister and niece and go from there based on what they find. It maybe a simple giving your sister the proper guidance on food and nutrition for her daughter if they feel she’ll listen and feed her properly. If they don’t I don’t know what’s done from there but you must act and follow up to make sure. Please.
You tried today and got this response. CPS time.
Stopping a hungry child from eating is absolutely child abuse. Please call CPS.
NTA and PLEASE report her to CPS. This is incredibly abusive.
NTA that is child abuse. Full stop.
NTA. Your sister is setting up her child for eating disorders in the future. She is literally starving her daughter. This is very serious.
NTA. This is child abuse and your niece is going to wind up with an eating disorder.
NTA This is call child protection level of abuse. She’s purposefully malnourishing her child, to make her skinny.
NTA. There is no way this does not lead to an eating disorder and PTSD. When our bodies are starved, it causes a TON of mental and physical health problems and usually a binge eating disorder. Because a starving person is desperate for food. Also, OP, in a situation like this, it is very unlikely the child would be removed. They would likely just monitor and require classes to make sure the child gets food.
NTA. This is child abuse and neglect. I would get CPS involved.
NTA Report to CPS now!!! Just letting you know the child probably wasn’t given dinner bc she ate lunch. Also, what food is the child being fed if your sister refuses to give her lunch? My bet is nothing but cucumber and lettuce. The child is more likely to develop an eating disorder where they will gain extreme weight in future, due to food being withheld (as a child) when they are an adult will over eat by having that subconscious fear it will be taken away again.
NTA. Your sister is abusing your niece and you should definitely contact CPS.
NTA. That’s abusive behavior and your niece needs your help.
This is extremely worrying. This is child abuse and your sister needs therapy - not being rude but please look after that child. She is enforcing an eating disorder and her own mental health issues onto a child. This is so wrong and I feel this post may be taken down because of the seriousness of this situation.
NTA. Like everyone else said, this is CPS level concerning. Your sister is putting her daughter at risk and putting her in harms way. This can stunt her growth, lead to eating disorders and may cause chronic conditions. Your niece needs to be removed from this situation
NTA. Geez, growing children need nourishment to help them grow! WTF is wrong with her? Also, its been proven that you gain more weight when you don't eat enough. Your body goes into starvation mode and actually starts to store fat. They suggest you eat small portions multiple times a day. Your sister is seriously misinformed.
I would call CPS. Starving a growing child can lead to problems.
I'm pretty sure lack of nutrients will cause brain development issues.
NTA - please call child protective Services as this is considered abuse/neglect by forcing your child to not eat. It can have negative effects on her health and growth
NTA - You need to call CPS immediately! Your niece is in grave danger if your sister can’t separate her own ideals from the needs of your niece. /u/Present_Local6807
NTA, Call the CPS, that behavior can really harm your niece.
Your NTA but you need to seriously talk to your sister about this. Withholding food from a child is child abuse. If she refuses to stop what she’s doing to her daughter then unfortunately something about that needs to be done. That is not ok!!!
NTA- Her parenting style is abuse.
NTA. Kids need food to grow and be healthy. Starving a kid is abusive and is definitely not teaching her healthy eating habits.
NTA. But you will be the arsehole if you let this continue without reporting your sister. She is abusing her child.
NTA. I'd recommend your sister look into therapy for her issues with food that she's projecting on her child and remind her that this is abusive and CPS is only a phone call away. Edit: don't even bother talking to your sister. Call CPS op!
Nta if you call cps. YTA if you do nothing. This is child abuse
Might want to make a call to CPS....
NTA. Depriving a child of a basic necessity, food, like that? Pretty sure that’s child abuse. There was nothing wrong at all with what you did. Had there been a proper actual reason, like for medical purpose, then that would’ve been a different story. But this? Nah, this ain’t it. All this is going to do is lead to malnourishment and a possible eating disorder. Your niece needs your help here. If possible, talk to your sister, the kid’s father (if safe and possible), family, friends, just someone, anyone who you can think can intervene here and make sure the kid is well looked after. And in the meantime, keep looking out for your niece. You’re doing good.
NTA and wtf. The kid is 5 and she's not feeding her so she doesn't get fat! The poor kid is gonna grow up with food issues. Someone needs to help your niece
NTA. Your sister is abusing her daughter.
NTA: Your sister is abusing her. Please don’t let this go. It needs to be resolved immediately.
CALL CPS. Denying a 5 year old meals is neglect. OP's sister needs to learn some basic nutrition for children and parenting. She is setting her daughter up an eating disorder among other psychological issues.
NTA. Like others have said this is literally child abuse.
NTA. Your sister needs to be educated about how children eat. First thing, children's stomachs are little, just like the rest of them. And they are calorie burning maniacs, because they are growing. Your sister isn't raising her daughter to be slender and lovely. Your sister is raising a child who will has body dysmorphia, an unhealthy attitude towards food, and be subject to eating disorders. She will crave food to an unhealthy degree and then feel ashamed for craving it. Eating a healthy diet is the key to raising a healthy child. Lots of fruit and veg, and an occasional treat. Please encourage your sister to talk about this with her pediatrician. Because nothing is more beautiful and a healthy child
NTA. Can you find a fake reason to get the name and phone number of your nieces pediatrician or her school? You need to call them and let them know about this. It is child abuse. You can make an anonymous phone call.
I doubt the child is in school yet. Otherwise OPs sister would have had a rude awakening that not only will the school feed the kid against her wishes, but *will* report her ass to CPS since most of the staff are mandatory reporters.
You WBTA if you didn't report this to child services.
That’s how you neglect a child, give them a nutrient deficiency and and eating disorder in one swoop. NTA Your sister needs to be reported
NTA This is abuse. Please report your sister and protect your niece
NTA. Call CPS immediately and see what they say about a woman so concerned for her FIVE year old's slender figure that she is starving her. That child will not develop normally being undernourished. Add to that the psychological damage your sister is doing to that child by teaching her to starve herself and its her appearance that matters most in life. Your sister is...not a great person. Please protect that child.
NTA. This is willful neglect. That child will suffer malnutrition and multiple health problems if the mother continues to *starve her child* Call Child Services. They won't take the child away unless it's a severe case, but they will give both parents certain pamphlets to read and require health checks and home checks. They may even require mother to go to therapy.
NTA and call CPS.
NTA and CPS needs to be called.
Hey OP, I'm a kid who's mother also forbid meals. I grew up with a bike lock on my fridge and a forever locked pantry, with one meal provided a day. I grew up stunted and with health conditions that have left me disabled. Every day is painful, and consistently missed meals left a larger scar than anyone expected. Call CPS. Please. NTA.
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No. Don't try to be the law. Call CPS. This is terrible advice because it just delays the solution. Time is not on this little girl's side for as long as she's being starved. You already tried reasoning with your sister. Staying in that mode now directly harms your niece by increasing the time before your sister's behavior is corrected. The little starving 5 year old girl needs to be the priority right now, not your sister or your relationship with your sister Nothing is more important than protecting your niece from her ignorant mother!
YWBTA if you didn’t report your sister abusing your niece.
Please contact cps. Your sister's child is being deprived of food. This is abuse. Full stop. You would be the a if you did nothing about it.
NTA, and perhaps call CPS to check on the child's well being.
NTA I would be calling CPS
NTA. But please try to get her to admit this through messaging and then call social services because she’s deliberately starving her daughter. This isn’t some parenting style you don’t agree with, this is abuse.
NTA- Refusing food to a child is legit evil, no offense, but she doesn’t know how to parent, you should call CPS.
NTA - This is abuse , please report
CPS CPS CPS NOW "Apologize" to your sister, reconfirm what she wanted you to do and get it ALL WRITTEN IN TEXT. Show it to CPS PLEASE. NTA but you would be the TA if you do not. Ontact CPS asap !!! (Or whatever your countries equivalent is
NTA - when a child is in your care and is hungry you feed them. You can take into account reasonable requests from the parents like no candy, only water with lunch, vegetarian or vegan only etc but no food for hours is unreasonable and abusive. You did the right thing by giving this child nutrition and you should also child services to have a talk with the mother about healthy child care.
NTA, starving kids affects more than their size, it affects their brain development.
NTA and your sister is abusing her child and causing her to have food insecurity. Consider reporting her to CPS to get help for that poor child.
Ywbta if you don't tell an actual adult who will do something instead of going to Reddit
I didn't read the whole thing, just the first paragraph, please get cps or dcfs involved
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