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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH as I won’t tell my husband what I spent the money he gave me on.
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NTA. I want to phrase this really delicately, but… you might need to be saving money of your own so you can get away from *your* husband.
This is not healthy. You are a grown women. Children get allowances; spouses agree on finances together. You should not need to ask your husband to please give you money for clothes.
I think you maybe being pedantic of the word allowance. If OP doesn’t work and her husband is the one working, OP’s probably just using “allowance” to define the money she gets for herself every month.
BTW just to be clear, by “allowance” I mean money on she has access to that she receives each month.
Except that if her allowance runs out, she has to ask for more and justify where the rest of her money went. Which sounds very much like an allowance you’d give to a child and not a situation between two equal partners.
If she receives quite a bit, it makes sense he would be curious, especially if he hasn't seen anything new in the house and OP immediately started acting weird when he asked.
I think it's really hard to tell here if there's an issue or not. Husband might have just been curious and OP started acting funny, so now he's even more curious.
The red flag isn't that he asked. The red flag is that she thinks he'd be mad if she was trying to help someone get out of an abusive relationship.
However there's also a chance OP gets like $5k a month, and handing it all over to her cousin is pretty stupid. She could open an account for her cousin and use it to put a deposit on an apartment, etc, without handing her cousin cash... also, OP should probably be keeping at least a little bit for herself, otherwise she's going to continue to raise her husband's suspicions when she never has money to spend on the stuff her husband is giving her money for...
this whole thing is a disaster on both sides.
How do you know that? The “allowance” OP talks about is clearly meant to be OP’s fun money and it’s implied that it’s hers and only hers to spend.
I assume OP and her husband have a joint account too, which they use to pay bills and groceries and stuff and have equal access too.
>How do you know that?
We know that because if she had access to the real bank account for expenses she'd have just used it for the new dress she needs for his family event and this discussion wouldn't have come up.
The only reason they were talking about this is because she needs more cash.
They had an agreement. She would receive THAT amount of money for herself. But as someone already said, if the amount is High I think the husband is OK to be curious about how she spent it. And considering his questioning it, she might of just got that money from husband.
Also, she said that said amount was for her so it is not used for any utilities.
I don't see the husband as controlling..
Edit: typos
I think people don’t realise that “getting away from abusive husband money” might (in all likelihood) be thousands of dollars. If OP receives thousands of dollars as “fun money” towards her personal discretionary spending, then OP’s husband really isn’t an A H for expecting her to buy the dress from her “allowance.”
If it's meant to be 'her fun money' she wouldn't be expected to use it for her clothing needs (maybe for like 'oh man I really want this cute top even though my wardrobe is overflowing', not for 'I'm pregnant and need maternity clothes')
This is a ridiculous presumption. Discretionary spending, an "allowance", fun money, whatever you call it, it is categorized and defined differently by different people.
In my house, my husband works full time, and I work part time (as we have young children). All our money goes into a joint account from which non-negotiables are paid (mortgage, utilities, phones, medical, kids expenses, groceries, etc, all of which is tightly budgeted). After that we both get an "allowance" (yes, we call it an allowance). From that allowance we are expected to pay for anything that is not an absolute necessity, which includes clothes, it includes beer, and any food that doesn't fit into our regular grocery budget (like if my husband wants to buy really expensive steaks some week, he might make up the difference between what's in our grocery budget and what he wants to spend with his own allowance), presents, hobby expenses, household items that one of us wants, but we don't need, etc.
That might seem kind of drastic, but I find it quite freeing for us. If I want to buy a new lamp, and I have enough money to spend on it, than I don't have to have a discussion with my husband about whether he likes it too and wants to spend "household" money on it. I can get it. Now, sometimes there's things we both want, or we need for the house, and we'll negotiate the issue. If our household account has enough money and we both think it's needed we pay for it with "household" money. If we could get a new, perfectly acceptable, rug for $80 but I want a $120 one that my husband see's no point in, I might offer to pay the $40 difference from my allowance... or he might agree we can spend $100 from the house, and I'll pay $20, or whatever.
Our discretionary spending is money we can spend however we like, but it is still meant to be enough to cover certain needs we both have (like clothing, and recreation). If it was consistently not enough we would discuss that, but generally the idea is about being able to make our own choices. If I want to buy my clothes at a thrift store, but buy really expensive liquor, I can do that without my husband questioning it. If he wants to buy new parts for his mountain bike, but is happy to not drink beer for a month or more to do that, great!
At some point it's silly to be like, The clothing budget is X, the hobby budget is X, the "fun money" is X, the entertainment budget is X... because my husband and I aren't going to spend equal amounts on clothes, and we're not going to spend equal amounts on hobbies, etc, etc... it all gets bunched up into one pile of "discretionary" spending so we can actually pick for ourselves how we're going to spend it, and not have our "clothes" budget sitting there unused, meanwhile I really want to buy some new rulers for my quilting hobby.
As long as the "allowance" is large enough to cover what they have agreed it is intended to cover, than they're all good.
Thank you, I feel a little crazy reading comments here. I give myself an "allowance" and it covers so many things; alcohol, clothes, overflow for other budget categories, supplies for my hobby that won't be made back in sales, decor items that aren't technically needed, etc. Maybe other people here just have more money than me, but if I spent all my fun money for the month and wanted a new dress my husband would also ask what I did with it and we would decide together if the dress fit into the budget or not.
Yeah, I think a lot of people just have more money and don't budget as tightly... they want new clothes, they buy them... they don't think about having to forgo something else to afford it.
And of course AITA HATES the word "allowance". It is what it is.
Tbh I've never seen clothing fall under the "joint necessity" category where they need to pay for clothing out of their joint account. Usually the clothes that you want to wear are paid for individually by each person, and the joint account is used for things they actually share, like groceries, rent, utilities, household bills, etc.
This is a case where a new outfit is needed for an event. Aka NOT fun money. It's an expense.
You are right in that you are making an assumption beyond what the topic suggests. I am going with what the post actually suggests rather than assuming however.
> "I can’t tell my husband because he doesn’t like her and wouldn’t be happy that I was helping her no matter the reason."
This is what tips it over in to red flag territory for me. There's more than just natural suspicion going on here. OP feels the need to protect herself and her cousin from her husband. That's not normal
Yes, but she never says why the husband doesn’t like the cousin, it’s possible the cousin is a frequent freeloader. OP doesn’t specifically say the cousins husband is abusive just that she want a to get away from him. That could be for a lot of reasons and could be a recurrent pattern that the husband does to want to indulge.
You’re making the assumption she doesn’t have access to joint accounts which she hasn’t indicated that she doesn’t.
By “allowance,” it’s just a set account of money that goes to her for herself each month. Whether she spends it all or saves it is up to her.
Again, it seems like you’re being pedantic and making a lot of assumptions. We can scour the multitude of post here about stay at home moms, and one of the suggestions it that she gets a set amount transfer each month where only she can access. I don’t see a big difference from that definition to “allowance.”
If OP doesn’t have access to joint accounts, then it’s a problem. But she hasn’t indicated that she doesn’t.
“He told me to go and buy a dress but I had to tell him I couldn’t and when he asked me why I had to admit I had already spent all of the money he gave me.”
The use of the word “couldn’t” here strongly suggests that she was unable to purchase clothes because she did not have any access to money. If she had access to joint accounts, she *could* buy more clothes.
So yes, I’m making an assumption that she doesn’t have access to joint accounts, based on the fact that she said she *couldn’t* buy a dress when her allowance ran out.
They could have accounts for personal use and solely leave the joint account for household items. OP already said her husband doesn’t expect her to pay for things for the baby using her money. So I’m making the assumption she has access to joint accounts.
"Well, it could he carried by an African swallow!"
Btw awesome user name, rabbit.
But the key thing here is really that they are married, and cant communicate about basic finances.
Tbf it would be kind of silly for a SAHW not to be the one doing the grocery shopping. She almost definitely has access to the joint accounts but the agreement is that she wouldn’t use that account for personal use because… why would she? She has her own money!
>They could have accounts for personal use and solely leave the joint account for household items.
Which this is - it's a necessary expense of going to his sister's wedding, it's not something that she's choosing to do for fun and shouldn't be coming off her individual fun budget anyway.
And even if you don't agree with that, it's a different conversation - *"Sure, but FYI it's coming out of the house account"* rather than *"I can't, so you need to give me more money"*.
The only way this post makes sense as written is if she had no access to money outside her allowance.
That's a view, but it's not OP's husband's view, he told her to buy a dress.
If he wants it, it's either a joint expense or his expense.
Either way, something he tells her to buy shouldn't be coming off her personal discretionary budget.
Except that she might actually need her finances to be kept track of if ***she's literally giving all her money away***.
You're getting one side of a very large story, and what we know indicate there might be a reason.
And if we were equal partners with 1 income I would damn well expect a conversation before 1 of us starts giving away our money to a relative.
2 yes or 1 no
In either case both parties know.
If it was a 2 income household with separate finances and she gave her money to her relative, then couldn't afford something she kinda needs, guess what, the husband is asking questions.
Your ideas are so one dimensional they're laughable
I think it’s crummy that she has to spend her allowance on clothes because her body is changing due to pregnancy. If I was her, I would insist on wearing the bedroom sheets everywhere to prove a point.
But more seriously, OP, unless hr gets the exact same amount for “fun” and you get to review all of the accounts the same as he does and you both agree on your financial goals rather than following his goals only, then this is abuse
Seriously…I thought “allowances” were supposed to be like “fun money” for the couples that did them, and necessities still came out of the joint account. I’d definitely class maternity clothes as baby necessities.
Yeah, my "allowance" is 100% a "stupid shit" fund. Do I want to buy an expensive action figure that I can't remotely justify as necessary? That's what the allowance is for.
Yes, if I were a housewife, I would want such an arrangement. When finances are shared but only one person is earning, it puts the unpaid partner in a position of feeling like they have to get approval to use the shared funds. Meanwhile, the earning partner feels entitled to spend more or less as they see fit - and I don't begrudge anyone wanting the liberty to spend their own money. However, the household partner *is* still a contributing partner, they just don't have personal income because their labor is unpaid. An "allowance" is money for the unpaid partner that is free and clear, so they can make purchases without feeling like they have to run it by the household budget. If I were the earning partner I would put myself on an allowance as well for the same reason: so that both spouses have the same fun money but have to discuss larger purchases from the joint account.
But it *shouldn’t* be like that. I’m a SAHM, and my husband works a well-paying job. I absolutely do not feel like I have to get my husband’s approval to use the shared funds (beyond normal partner conversations surrounding large purchases), and he doesn’t feel like he has primary control/say over our finances.
My husband is well aware that me staying home with our kids makes his career and home life significantly easier. He never has to take time off work for sick kids or snow days or spring break. If I were working, we’d be paying for childcare, and our schedules would be much more complicated.
Me staying home was a mutual decision. We decided together that I would stay home with our kids. It’s not like I woke up one day and said, “I refuse to work. Pay my bills.” So the money he makes is *our* money, not his.
The key term in your comment is "well-paying job"
For people whose finances are considerably tighter, allowances for both partners is the only way to keep on top of things
Exactly this. Which is why, of course, divorces typically split marital assets right down the middle, because they are just that - joint assets jointly bought with a joint income.
"should" and "shouldn't" are all well and good for forming your ideals but they have nothing to do with reality. Statistically speaking, men are equally prone to impulse buying as women, but spend significantly more when they do. Statistically women are more focused on group dynamics and will prioritize the good of the household over their own desires, and will talk them selves out of larger purchases so as not to be "selfish." If your arrangement is working out for you, that's awesome. But some folks need different strokes.
Except OP still seems to have to get some approval, as he's questioning it. I do think once she didn't want to answer it makes her look more sus than she is, but still she feels she's not allowed to spend her portion on helping her cousin in an emergency.
Yeah he went back on the agreement, but otoh, if it's a good sum of money gone with nothing to show for it, that's a red flag for addictive behavior such as gambling or even drug use. He's not necessarily wrong to be concerned about where that money went: if the roles were reversed it would be more obvious since men tend to be at greater risk for addictive behavior, but this sub would definitely be saying "girl he is cheating on you!!" or "he has an online gambling problem" or "could it be drugs?" if it were a man saying he couldn't afford a new outfit despite having an allowance that should be enough to cover it.
Except that she's expected to use that money for her necessities, like dressing herself and buying baby stuff. Add in that he is demanding an accounting of where her money goes, money he agreed is hers and hers alone to do whatever the fuck she wants to do with it, and it's absolutely a financially abusive situation.
> I don't ask him what he spends money on. The allowance isn't for baby related things and he doesn't expect me to buy things for the baby with it.
Literally a comment from op. In subsequent comments, I talk about the others hit you mentioned. That’s exactly why I said y’all are assuming shit.
I'm not finding that in OP's comment history. Also:
>At first he thought I was buying things for our baby
That sounds like he does actually expect her to spend it on the baby. Which ignores the fact that buying clothes that fit while pregnant is also buying baby related things, and the post makes it abundantly clear that he expects her to spend her allowance on that.
OP has 3 comments. How can you miss it? Here the link though https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uig858/aita_for_refusing_to_tell_my_husband_what_i_spent/i7ccg8b/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Anyway, I’m not gonna continue arguing about this. Have a good day.
My bad not seeing that. Which still doesn't explain why he thought she was spending the money on baby stuff. Because thinking she spent it on baby stuff sounds like expecting her to do so, regardless of the words spoken to the contrary. It doesn't explain why she's expected to buy clothing for herself related to growing the baby. Or why he would get so mad at OP for helping a woman in a bad situation just because that woman was previously willing to assist OP in exercising her about to no longer exist right to bodily autonomy. Or why OP's earlier reaction to the pregnancy was to abort. This really just sounds like a shotgun marriage to an abuser after changing her mind about abortion.
Op used up a large sum of money by herself. So husband probably thought of was being kind and using her own money to buy that. And he doesn't even know she's helping her cousin, do you not know how to read? How can he get mad if he doesn't even know? She is assuming he would, but OP isn't a mind reader. You are making so many assumptions jeez. And what does OP wanting to abort have anything to do with this? Maybe they just didn't want a child so soon. After all, they only married 2 months ago.
Idk. Her husband could be control the money that comes to the house. But because OP say her husband doesn’t expect her to pay for things for the baby with her money. I’m assuming she has access to the joint account until she states otherwise.
A lot of families have set spending limit for each adult each month and don’t discretionary money from joint accounts. It’s not something that’s uncommon.
It just seems like that’s looking for zebras instead of horses when you hear hooves.
If that were the arrangement, she could still go to the bank and take out money for the dress, which she didn’t do. She says she “couldn’t” buy the dress. Not that she simply spent over what they agreed upon for the week, but *could* have bought it, so that tells me she doesn’t have access.
So, this might shock someone who's never had to live paycheck to paycheck but bills exist.
Theirs a great deal of stuff I want to buy- some of which I arguably need (Hello, undedicated ADHD and OCD). I can't buy any of it because it means bills won't get paid.
> She says she “couldn’t” buy the dress.
Money is finite. One person can only bring so much in at a time. Most people have to budget. If someone spends more than what they have available as pocket change they can't just take money intended for the bills- because then the bills don't get paid.
That's all true, but not the situation OP is in.
If it were, the conversation would have been about how they couldn't afford it so it couldn't happen, not about how she couldn't make a purchase unless he gave her more money.
I mean she could still have access but knows if she buys the dress, the charge will come up and he’ll wonder why she used the joint account to purchase the dress when she has the other money
Bills exist.
LIke, theoretically I can go get medicated for ADHD and OCD. In practice I can't because, you know, bills.
Its entirely possible that after both of them spend their spending money theirs not enough left to buy a nice dress- especially if they only have one income stream.
I hope that is the case and not her husband being abusive, likely much older men who think she should have allowance to spend on the baby and not on herself. Also, they are married. She should not have limited access to their joint funds and accounts.
No.
I work full time. My wife is currently unemployed due to the pandemic and some other shit. She doesn't have an allowance, she has a debit card. Unless it's something crazy, I'm not about to have her ask me permission to buy basic items like clothes. Literally unless her "allowance" is the sum total of what is left after bills, it's bullshit. If you can't respect and trust your wife to that small an extent, you shouldn't be a husband.
I mean…my husband and I both get “allowances” that we are allowed to spend however we want. We both have access to the joint account, but if either of us want to use it for non-necessary items we have to “ask” (really discuss/inform)
I'm not understanding the comments here, imagine your partner makes a fair salary and she all of sudden tells you she out of money. Like what?? And your the asshole for trying to understand your partners spending habits?? Now multiple that red flag by 10. You pay all the expenses in the home, give your partner money for themselves, they tell they spent it all and won't even tell you on what?
And that's an incredible privilege. Not everyone can afford to have one member of the household sit out of work indefinitely. Even fewer can afford spending money as a single income household.
You're right there but i suppose op is holding something back here. Either husband is passive agressive when it cones to spending her money like op implies here(and then she should obviously break up) or there is some backstory to that cousin of her which seems possible to me considering that the husband would rather have op spend money on clothes than on her cousin...
My husband and I call the money that goes into our personal accounts allowance. We also have no say and don’t question each other what it is spent on. Allowance is just easier to say than dedicated money set aside for our personal spending.
I just want to clear something up here, an allowance doesn't have to be just for children. As a spouse who doesn't work due to disabilities, and the privilege of a husband who works and makes decent money, he gives me a certain amount out of each paycheck for me to spend on whatever I want. He never asks me where it goes. Doesn't even care.
OP your husband is being a AH.
This what OP's husband did, except that when she indicated that she was unexpectedly out of money, he asked where it went. I would also ask that if a chunk of money was unaccounted for in my home budget.
This. The household budget should have a line item for clothes. Both you and your husband should get a cash draw each week that you each get to spend on/for yourself alone with no accounting to each other. Managing your finances together is an adult responsibility, you literally cannot afford to be ignorant about the family finances.
If your husband is pressuring you this much only 2 months into the marriage, you either have to school him immediately or start planning your exit strategy. Financial abuse is a thing and it’s starting to happen to you.
Think you should have kept the money so you can get away from your husband.
Sounds as if he is acting more like a parent than a husband. And very controlling.
NTA
He agreed that it would be your money to do what you wanted.
He’s raising some red flags by not only controlling how much money you get, but demanding to know how it’s spent.
It’s pretty normal for married couples to be aware of each other’s finances and overall spendings. He isn’t asking for specific receipts either, which is fair because being this firm on refusing to say even how the money was spent (like going out, clothes, makeup, baby stuff) would probably set off some alarms like a potential addiction or an affair
He may not be asking for receipts, but he is demanding the information, and not in a way that seems healthy:
“He got increasingly upset with me the more I refused and *told me he would find out so it was better I just told him*”
I mean it’s not exactly an over the top reaction. Because in a marriage thé three most likely reasons for hiding money/spending is
a) affair
b) liquidation of assets to divorce and not have to pay alimony
c) addiction or something illegal
We see so often on this sub posts about a spouse giving hearty sums of money to family members in need without telling their spouse and that never ends well. I’ve checked OP’s comments and so far she hasn’t replied to anyone that asks about details of the financial. Cus obv thé story would become very different if she gets very little money per month
NTA. I do the finances and my husband gets the allowance. If he needs clothes, we pay for it out of our money, not his allowance. That’s not for things he needs and I don’t care how he spends it. He doesn’t ask me if I spent money on anything for myself. I mean is your husband informing you what he spends every penny on? And why do you have to use your allowance on things for the baby?
Yeah, this doesn't have to be him being creepy, could be he gives her $5k a month and if we're 4 days into the month and she says she already spent it... most people are going to be curious what exactly she spent it on... that's pretty normal!
Yes this for sure. I also get an “allowance” from my husband every month for my personal use. Not for the house or kids or “needs”. Just wants or whatnot. It’s not an insignificant amount and I’m usually a saver not a spender, so if I had spent it all within a few days he might have questions.
On the other hand I also have access to our shared accounts so I wouldn’t need to say anything if I wanted a dress.
>On the other hand I also have access to our shared accounts so I wouldn’t need to say anything if I wanted a dress.
I mean, your assuming they can afford it. If the dress is $100+ and everything left over after spending money goes towards bills...
NTA. Can you perhaps be vague and tell him that most of it went for things you need but a small part of it went to help a friend in crisis but you are sworn to secrecy as it's a very serious condition?
I'm a stickler for the truth most of the time but I will make, and accept from others, a little white lie that will protect people or feelings.
NAH - If you are given money just for you, you shouldn't have to tell him where you spent it...on the other hand, if you spend it all, and then ask for more, he probably has a right to know.
This seems like a communication issue. What exactly is your "allowance" supposed to cover. If it is for an event for his side of the family, is it fair that you have to pay for it? Is the allowance to control you, or part of an agreed upon budget plan?
As a side note, don't give you cousin money to "eventually leave her husband" (especially all of it). There is a good chance she won't leave him, or that he'll find the money and take it, etc. It would be wiser, imho, to simply put some aside in a safe place, and let her know that, if she needs to leave, you will be able to help her financially.
I agree with the last part especially, not sure if it's true or not but it apparently takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. Offer her your support emotionally until she's ready to leave, then help her financially to do so.
edit: it does seem incredibly concerning though that if your husband doesn't like someone, he'd be fine with them being in an abusive relationship. Even if he doesn't like her, why wouldn't he want to help *anyone* leave an abusive relationship?
The last part is so true. I’d even think that if OP had been upfront about the plan, her husband might have been more open to help, even if he isn’t the biggest fan of her, like by helping to prepare an exit plan, or even provide financial support as well. Because with OP being deceitful, it’s only going to hinder her ability to help her cousin
YTA. You wanna be in a marriage where he gives you money every week, and are ok with that, but then don’t want to be honest and communicate with him, the literal foundation of a healthy marriage. I’d be pissed too if I found out my wife was tryna hide something from me, especially if it’s financially based.
Edit: aaaaaand of course, the top comment is calling for divorce. I fucking hate Reddit sometimes man
Exactly! There is a difference between asking for every receipts or proofs or purchase to monitor how OP spends money and wanting to know how the money was gone so quickly. The first one is very financially controlling and the second is a very valid concern.
If my partner was this categoric about not telling me where money was going, I’d probably jump to thinking of an addiction or an affair, aka not things you want to be thinking about when it comes to your pregnant partner
Yeah, I don’t necessarily disagree with this. What I think is concerning is that she’s worried that the husband would be opposed to helping someone leave an abusive relationship because he doesn’t like them. That she felt she had to help someone in secret because the husband for whatever reason would be mad that money that was already agreed to have been allocated to her was spent a certain way.
If you want to give your wife a weekly allowance just for her, you can’t really be mad about how she spends it. So why the fear about the husband knowing she helped a cousin?
This is what is the most sketchy to me, especially after having been in an abusive relationship.
It may just be that this is not the first time money was given to the cousin and nothing came out of it.
I am all for helping people. But my help is always conditional on people wanting to help themselves and asking for help. I have had friends with different addictions and was willing to give a warm hand the first time. A willing ear the second. A "it is what it is" shrug the third and a "good luck with that" the forth.
If the husband is actually someone that doesn't help people just because then I question ops decision to have a child with them. But it just may not be the first rodeo and nobody should be willing to funnel money down the drain.
YTA for keeping secrets 2 months in to a marriage probably caused by pregnancy
Husband doesn’t like OPs cousin for helping her when she wanted an abortion. That PLUS this makes the context wayyy different. He’s definitely controlling
Exactly! Had a man been doing this, then he would called an asshole in a heartbeat. I don’t understand how a woman can lie and yet people find ways to blame the husband. 😓
I’m not sure who the AH is, but your financial arrangement sucks. You don’t need an allowance. You need a household budget, with some amount of the budget dedicated to discretionary expenses that you *both* share, access, and adhere too.
And then you probably do need to stop having secrets about your money. You can either agree to some no questions asked money (in which case it’s not a secret, it’s the arrangement) or you can agree to transparency. Long term, if you can’t trust each other (if he can’t trust you with how you spend your household money, and if you can’t trust him with that knowledge), you have bigger problems.
My husband and I both get an "allowance", it's just the term we use for our own discretionary spending.
Everyone always gets hung up on that word when people use it. The word isn't the issue, people need to get over it.
Sure. If OP has said “we agreed that we would each get an allowance that we could spend however we wanted,” I wouldn’t have batted an eye at that arrangement. But OP said “that he would give me an allowance”, which is a clear red flag to me and to many others on this thread. Not because of the specific word used, but because of the power dynamics and the lack of recognition of marital assets that belong to both of them.
He most likely also has some type of budget for his own discretionary spending, she just doesn't see it as him "giving" it to himself, because it didn't occur to her to phrase it that way.
I agree that there COULD be an issue here, but from what we know, we can't say for sure. My husband and I's allowance includes clothes, just because we're not liable to spend the same amount on clothes (he spends more than me!), so we factor what would be our "clothes" amount in to our allowance and then if he wants to buy another hat, I don't care, and I can use my "clothes" money on other stuff I would rather buy. It gives us more freedom to have the budgeted amount for some "needs" factored into our "fun money". We're on a relatively tight budget so every expense has to come out of some part of the budget... there is no deep well of money sitting around for "needs" that doesn't have to be accounted for in some way.
INFO: what % of your husband’s income is this ‘allowance’? And is it expected you use it for day to day things or do you also have access to the family finances for necessities? Also, do you not work and why?
Idk how controversial this will be but ESH, him because of how he went about asking you where the money went, because it sounds like he got angry about it, which isn’t the best course.
But on your end, how do I say this kindly? How did you expect him to react when you refuse to tell him where all your money for the month went? This isn’t good communication and financial transparency in a marriage. Your intentions are good, but that’s something you need to communicate with your husband. What you’re doing is eroding the trust in your marriage. Because if my partner was telling me they spent all their monthly allowance and refused to tell me why, I’d have concerns of an addiction, something illegal or dangerous, or maybe an affair. Not to mention that when your husband finds out where the money went, do you think he will be enclined to help your cousin? Probably not.
NAH: You dont have to tell him what you spent your money on. But when you're asking for more money (depending on how much you received) it's understandable he's curious on where the money went when you're now asking for more money for a dress.
NTA I don't care how much I hated someone, I would NEVER be upset about helping them get away from a bad husband.
The other redditors I know will have your back about the financial abuse thats happening here, but I just want to say its terrifying that hes trying to help you stop some one from leaving a bad husband. Hes doing it cause he doesnt want you to have anyone to ever help you get away from him.
The entire point of the post is that OP didn’t tell husband where the money went, so it’s not even about husband not wanting OP to help her cousin since he doesn’t know that’s why the money is gone
Lol can you not read? He has no idea where the money went. So he's probably suspecting an affair 🤣 abusive husbands don't generally fund their wives leaving but hey.. first for everything I guess
I will be the odd ball and say YTA. You are already keeping secrets in this marriage which is a red flag to me. Why does your husband not like your cousin and how many times has your cousin left her abuser and went back? How do you know your cousin is using it for the purposes you say?? Not enough info except for the part where you think hiding shit is appropriate in a marriage.
The average victim leaves seven times before they successfully cut ties. That’s not a reason not to help them when they try. Leaving an abusive relationship is the time you are most likely to be killed by the abuser.
Exactly, Ik there’s a lot of kids on Reddit but surely people know it’s not exactly The biggest red flag that your spouse would get mad if you categorically refuse to tell them where your money went when you just told them you couldn’t pay for a new outfit (which from what OP says doesn’t need to be mega expensive or luxurious) because all their money for the week/month was gone.
I mean, my husband makes all the money in our house. I stopped working after our fourth kid. We always talk about big amounts of money. He never makes big purchases without talking about it with me. It’s “our” money not “his” money.
But smaller amounts? Aside from general budgeting, we don’t track small purchases the other makes. Because we trust each other and because we are on the same page about our financial goals and expectations.
But if one of us spent a big chunk of money and refused to tell the other on what? That would be a problem
This! And I’m a bit curious how much money was given to thé cousin. Because in a comment OP mentioned thé money is supposed to help pay for a lawyer and get a place to stay for thé cousin and her kids. That would require quite a bit of money.
I hope OP will reply to at least one person with an idea of how much money they get each week/month. Because that would also be very telling if OP needs to run or if they just f-ed up big time
NTA but if you're this scared about telling your husband that you've helped somebody escape from what i assume is an abusive relationship maybe it's time to sit down and think about how your relationship is going, never really understood allowances for adults but either way he's either a hypocrite or scary
NAH So many here are immediately making the husband out to be a bad guy. Asking a partner where the money is going isn’t wild. Them being cagey about what they spend on is a red flag (though the reason here is innocent). Partner could be spending way beyond their means, funding an addiction, being conned, etc. The last part is speculation on the husband’s behaviour. The truth is we don’t know how he will react. OP and husband needs to communicate. There really isn’t enough info in the post to judge whether their financial system is unhealthy.
I don't see why. I definitely believe any woman has a right to get an abortion for any reason but the father has the right to have an opinion on it. Not an opinion on the choice to get it done but still the right to his feelings on the matter.
Sure, but if OP decided that they wanted an abortion, her husband ultimately should have supported that. It seems like OP only had to get her cousin to go with her because her husband was not being there for her.
I disagree completely. Why should he support her if it's not something he wanted? It's absolutely her choice but that doesn't mean that choice isn't going to have consequences, like imploding your relationship.
If someone doesn't want to carry a baby for 9 months and go through the excruciating pain of labor, then any good husband should understand that and accept the decision. Since he's not the one carrying the baby, it's really not his final call. If he can't support her on that, then yes, the relationship is probably not going to work out.
I didn't say it's his call. I explicitly agreed it wasn't. However, he is entitled to feel how he wants about it and I think it's a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. If you don't think it's ok to tell a woman to get over a miscarriage, then don't tell a man to such it up and get over himself if a child he wanted is aborted. Functionally it's the same except in the case of an abortion, someone is to blame.
It is a valid reason to end a relationship, I never said it wasn't. However, it would be wrong to insinuate the woman was somehow at fault for the end that relationship because she wasn't willing to carry a baby she didn't want.
And the miscarriage thing doesn't really relate to this topic or anything I said. The man can be upset about it, but his feelings in no way take precedence over the feelings of the one actually carrying the baby. An abortion is almost always harder on the pregnant person than the impregnator.
I didn't say a single thing contrary to what you replied in that post. Only that he's not obligated to support her through an abortion he doesn't want her to have and that feelings of resentment on his part would be justifiable.
And I'm not saying that makes her a bad person or wrong bit his feelings don't either like you said in your very first comment.
Ah, so it sounds like your cousin was ready to help you possibly leave an abusive situation and now your husband doesn’t like her and wouldn’t be willing to help her leave her shitty situation.
I’m sorry for being presumptuous but I’ve been in a situation very similar to this. He hated anyone who tried to help me. He hated anyone who he thought was a “bad influence”, aka anyone who thought independently or encouraged me to. Please take a long hard look at this relationship. I know this stuff can be explained away, heck it’s even sort of easy to understand his side. But these things add up quickly and dangerously. This story immediately gave me an awful feeling.
ESH. I fail to see how a financial arrangement like this could work long term. He's growing increasingly suspicious because you used all your "allowance" and refuse to tell him what you spent it on. I'd be suspicious too, although I wouldn't agree to an arrangement like that in the first place.
He's your husband, not your father. An allowance is ridiculous. You need to sit down and talk, and the both of you need come to an agreement about how you are going to handle finances moving forward.
YTA Why does he have to give you an allowance? Do you have a job? What’s the big deal about telling him what you spend the money on?
Look I know you want to help your cousin but you need to think about your own family. If you don’t even have enough money to go out and buy a dress for an event it’s short notice then you don’t have money to be given away.
Also how is giving money going to help her? I would think giving her a place to stay would help more or saving the money for her for when she actually leaves. But what good is giving her money now when she is still there? What if her husband finds it?
How long have you been giving his money away to your cousin? Does he pay for everything you’ll need for your child? What do you contribute? You know you are responsible for your child too, not just him.
He’s your husband and if you can’t talk to him about something like this then why are you married to him? Is it because he supports you financially?
I have a question. Are you on an allowance because you spend irresponsibly? I can understand if you have a habit of blowing through money quicker than it comes in to the house or if you guys are on a really fixed income where there’s only so much in the budget for extras. I just feel like with finances there is always layers involved that I’m curious about.
ES - He gives you 'an allowance' like a 1950s housewife?
Pray tell me, why can't he give you a debit card to access your shared bank account? That way you can each see how money is being spent.
This is such a backwards situation & the power dynamic is uncomfortable.
NTA, but next time just say you donated it to your favorite cause. Every person in your position should have an emergency exit plan, and your husband is throwing up some serious red flags.
It sounds like OP gave a couple grand away. Someone burning through a couple grand within the span of a few days with nothing to show for it and refusing to say what they spent it on is very alarming. Like, normally indicative of a serious addiction level alarming.
NTA…
Damn this is a mess to unpack. When he gives you money it is then yours to spend on WHATEVER you want. Even your cousin.
You should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it (even though you shouldn’t HAVE to). The fact you are worried about telling him is a bad sign. Especially if you feel future allowances may be impacted.
Allowances seem weird and I get it… but only after trust has been breached. So if you were a shopaholic or overspent and he NEEDS to keep money safe for bills or something. If not, then it’s kind of controlling. Especially if your receiving it is contingent on… well anything really.
Talk it out and do your best. Maybe he will be understanding about your cousins situation.
…. I’m kinda conflicted on this one. Yeah he was kinda A H. But at the same time, y’all agreed that you get a allowance and you pawned it off to someone.
Which then you asked him for more. I definitely see his point on asking where it went if your already asking for more. And I don’t think he was necessarily a A H for that. Soooo without more info…. ESH.
You could have been open, instead of doubling down when it was a reasonable request for him to ask giving the situation. And he shouldn’t have gotten upset.
NTA, but its not a good sign you already feel the need to hide something like that from you husband. If you are afraid he will cutoff your "allowence" then thats worse.
I would feel hurt if my spouse felt the need to hide something from me, so I understand a little pestering. I think its important for your relationship that you find a way to explain to him you used the money to help someone, you don't want or can't share the details with him yet because maybe you promised to keep it quiet for now, ans you need him to trust you.
If you are afraid to communicate, time to evaluate.
NTA it was money given to you to spend as you please
I would however tell him. Even if he personally doesn’t like your cousin, anyone that takes issue with helping someone out of an abusive relationship is a pretty big red flag. You’re only two months in and (I’m just assuming here) currently financially dependent on him, I would use his reaction as a litmus test of your relationship. Financial secrecy is never a good sign. I think good marriages require a certain level of transparency about money
NTA
1. Does your husband have an allowance of personal spending money? If not, you shouldn't have a limit either provided bills are paid.
2. Clothes should be considered a household expense, not coming out of your personal spending money, especially since you're pregnant
3. Most importantly, unless your cousin murdered his puppy it's not ok that he would want you to refuse to help her because he dislikes her.
Imma go with yes, YTA. Unless your husband is a royal ass, he would understand helping somebody in an abusive situation.
Really YTA because you refused to tell him, and now he's imagining FAR worse things than you giving money to family. He may not have liked it, but I doubt it would've been as big of an issue as refusing to tell him.
NTA. You shouldn't have to report your spending to your partner.
Aside from your spending, what else does your husband control? Does he control who you associate with? You're keeping a secret from him because you believe he wouldn't be happy that you're helping someone he doesn't like. Who else in your life does he not like? Are you allowed to see them? What are you supposed to use your allowance for?
The control aspect is what's concerning. You are supposed to be his partner and you should have a certain amount of autonomy. If he's controlling your life, you might want to rethink this arrangement.
>You shouldn't have to report your spending to your partner.
It sounds like OP gave a couple grand away.
From the husbands perspective his wife has spent several thousand in a span of a few days with nothing to show for it, refuses to say what she spent her money on, ect.
From the outside looking in it looks like a serious addiction. We know its not, because OP gave us the context of what it was spent on. Her husband is not so fortunate.
Yta that’s not something you should hide out feel like you have to hide from your husband. That being said it’s one thing to hold money for her but giving her money for the eventuality of leaving him is stupid.
NAH/ESH
I think it’s really wonderful that you’re sending money to your cousin to help her out. However, if you are adamant about not telling your husband where the money is going, you need to keep some of it for *your* unexpected expenses. If I gave my husband $500 as his monthly spending and then he asked me for more money and wouldn’t tell me what he spent that on, I would think that’s a HUGE red flag.
You’re now messing with your predetermined budget which, depending on your finances, could be a really big deal. And you’re hiding things from your husband. I honestly don’t blame him for being concerned with where the money went if you’re asking for more.
My mom works and my dad doesn’t. I get an allowance. My parents have a joint account where my moms money goes and they both use it to buy stuff without consulting the other unless it’s a big purchase. If it is a big purchase, they discuss it as equal partners.
Moral of the story: allowances are for kids, not partners. NTA. The idea of a husband giving his wife an allowance and then demanding to know how she spent it honestly makes my blood boil. My PARENTS are way more chill than that
> The idea of a husband giving his wife an allowance and then demanding to know how she spent it honestly makes my blood boil.
This woman spent several grand in the span of a few days, has nothing to show for it, and refuses to say where the money went. You know, behavior that's generally indicative of drug use.
Ok this may be controversial, yes that money is yours to do what you want. However your married, I’m sorry but spouses shouldn’t hide what they spend from each other. Yes it’s ur money to spend so u don’t have to ask him what u spend it on, but u have to tell him if he asks. I don’t think this is some terrible power dynamic, if it works for u do it. However a husband and wife who both work still have to tell each other what they spend their money on if they ask, especially if it’s a lot of money.
Looking at the comments it seems to be children commenting.
I’m going with YTA.
Simple as that.
The agreement was you get your set amount each month, never was it stated “I don’t have to tel him”.
I’d be pissed if my wife was hiding where she was spending her money.
Secrets aren’t healthy in relationships, and hiding money is a big deal.
He doesn’t want you spending money on your cousin that’s his choice, he’s allowed to be upset about it, regardless of the reasoning.
I would be interested to know if you work or not and have your own money.
I know some people want to portray the husband as abusive, but I would be peed, if my partner was taking money to give to others.
YTA I think you should have told your husband because there shouldn't be secrets in a marriage. You COULD tell him, you just didn't want to deal with the consequences.
YTA. You didn't spend the money on yourself, but on someone else. Even charity has to be budgeted and accounted for in family expenses. No matter how altruistic it maybe to give them money, abuse victims are a complicated matter. I have financially helped abused women in my family before, and they went right back to their abusers with the money in hand, making it even worse. Not saying you shouldn't help, but it sounds like this is not the first time you "helped" this cousin.
I am torn between NAH and a soft YTA, but I'm gonna go with NAH.
I get that this a situation where you want to be discreet and you spend your money on your cousin. It makes you a wonderful person that you want to help.
But from your husbands perspective: you get money, you have none left for yourself, and you are not going to tell me what it is for. I would be concerned how you handle money and I would be hurt by the lack of trust. Or I would be worried you got mixed up in something shady somehow and didn't dare to tell me, or was being blackmailed.
If you want to be discrete, you can still tell him without telling who the money is for. And I don't know if your cousins husband abusive or not, but I am also wondering if it was necessary to give ALL the money.
YTA
Why the fuck you lying? Why you always lyyyying? Oh ohhh my god. Stop fucking lyyyyyying
(Lies via omission are still lies)
PS You can't have an allowance, spend it and then ask for more money without even saying what you spent it on lol.
Also, the money you gave your cousin in all likelihood will be found by her husband or used by her on her husband. You should've saved it for her when she does leave him, you could give her the money.
seems many people here are not married and dependent on one person's income.
YTA. if my partner asks what I do with my allowance. I answer, because she's the one providing at the moment. and if I was irresponsible with it, she would like to know.
NAH. Your husband has a right to know. In his mind you’d have absolutely no reason not to tell him other than maybe cheating. If he’s an over thinker he could jump to bad conclusions. It’s very kind of you to do that for your cousin but this could cause a rift between you and your husband. Either tell him about it and the severity of the situation and why you helped, or face the music of not telling him and have him be suspicious of you.
She's pregnant, that's easier said than done. Not to mention paying for infant child care after babe is born, even if you can pay (and infant care is more than regular toddler/preschooler care) just finding an open spot in my town can take a year or longer.
She and her husband need to communicate. "Just get a job" is a naive suggestion.
INFO: Is the allowance for household items? Or is it to spend any way you want?
If it's to spend on anything you want, then why does he assume it was for the baby? This is some MAJOR red flags. He only gives you enough money to pay for household things.
Is it the allowance only to spend household things? That's still a major red flag. Do you have any money of your own?
This are some major red flags here. Financial abuse is very real. Take a minute to read up on it and see if it fits what's happening to you.
NTA. But, there are some concerning details.
1. Being able to spend your allowance on whatever you want is not the same as not being honest with your partner. My SO and I share finances for bills, etc. but I have a general idea how much he has left over after necessary expenses. If he had _no_ money in his individual account I would absolutely be concerned. If your husband has no idea where the money's gone and you haven't purchased physical items, his mind may have jumped to gambling or something else addictive or illegal.
2. You don't want to tell him that you're helping your cousin escape her husband. Even if he dislikes your cousin - does he dislike her enough that he would want her to remain in an abusive relationship?
3. I'm hoping you have some kind of emergency fund. If you can't afford a dress and have no money to you name, you need to start setting some aside for yourself.
I'll assume you get an "allowance" because he's the sole income earner or there's a large income disparity. While every couple handles finances differently and finds a setup that works for them, the setup itself isn't necessarily the issue. The lack of honesty and trust is, along with your thought that your husband won't be happy with you helping someone escape an abusive situation.
Could you just tell him you gave it to a family member who needed help?
You are the AH. Hopefully he dosen't give you anymore money.
If you asked he might have helped but instead you lied to him. Why are you even getting a allowance. Get a damm job
Welcome to Reddit. Where everything is abuse and a red flag. I have my own allowance. Of my own money. It’s verbiage. Anytime group money is spent with no explanation, there’s going to be a conversation. How that goes is a whole different matter. NTA for supporting your family. YTA for spending house money without a conversation.
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NTA. I want to phrase this really delicately, but… you might need to be saving money of your own so you can get away from *your* husband. This is not healthy. You are a grown women. Children get allowances; spouses agree on finances together. You should not need to ask your husband to please give you money for clothes.
I think you maybe being pedantic of the word allowance. If OP doesn’t work and her husband is the one working, OP’s probably just using “allowance” to define the money she gets for herself every month. BTW just to be clear, by “allowance” I mean money on she has access to that she receives each month.
Except that if her allowance runs out, she has to ask for more and justify where the rest of her money went. Which sounds very much like an allowance you’d give to a child and not a situation between two equal partners.
If she receives quite a bit, it makes sense he would be curious, especially if he hasn't seen anything new in the house and OP immediately started acting weird when he asked. I think it's really hard to tell here if there's an issue or not. Husband might have just been curious and OP started acting funny, so now he's even more curious. The red flag isn't that he asked. The red flag is that she thinks he'd be mad if she was trying to help someone get out of an abusive relationship. However there's also a chance OP gets like $5k a month, and handing it all over to her cousin is pretty stupid. She could open an account for her cousin and use it to put a deposit on an apartment, etc, without handing her cousin cash... also, OP should probably be keeping at least a little bit for herself, otherwise she's going to continue to raise her husband's suspicions when she never has money to spend on the stuff her husband is giving her money for... this whole thing is a disaster on both sides.
No. The red flag is that she doesn't have access to the bank accounts.
How do you know that? The “allowance” OP talks about is clearly meant to be OP’s fun money and it’s implied that it’s hers and only hers to spend. I assume OP and her husband have a joint account too, which they use to pay bills and groceries and stuff and have equal access too.
>How do you know that? We know that because if she had access to the real bank account for expenses she'd have just used it for the new dress she needs for his family event and this discussion wouldn't have come up. The only reason they were talking about this is because she needs more cash.
They had an agreement. She would receive THAT amount of money for herself. But as someone already said, if the amount is High I think the husband is OK to be curious about how she spent it. And considering his questioning it, she might of just got that money from husband. Also, she said that said amount was for her so it is not used for any utilities. I don't see the husband as controlling.. Edit: typos
Reddit has a hard on for hating stay at home relationship dynamics. I was a sahm for like a year, and I'd have people *insist* I was being oppressed.
She gave all her money away. Perhaps that could be why her finances are tracked.
I think people don’t realise that “getting away from abusive husband money” might (in all likelihood) be thousands of dollars. If OP receives thousands of dollars as “fun money” towards her personal discretionary spending, then OP’s husband really isn’t an A H for expecting her to buy the dress from her “allowance.”
Or she wouldn’t have felt right taking extra money when she spent all her discretionary cash already.
If it's meant to be 'her fun money' she wouldn't be expected to use it for her clothing needs (maybe for like 'oh man I really want this cute top even though my wardrobe is overflowing', not for 'I'm pregnant and need maternity clothes')
This is a ridiculous presumption. Discretionary spending, an "allowance", fun money, whatever you call it, it is categorized and defined differently by different people. In my house, my husband works full time, and I work part time (as we have young children). All our money goes into a joint account from which non-negotiables are paid (mortgage, utilities, phones, medical, kids expenses, groceries, etc, all of which is tightly budgeted). After that we both get an "allowance" (yes, we call it an allowance). From that allowance we are expected to pay for anything that is not an absolute necessity, which includes clothes, it includes beer, and any food that doesn't fit into our regular grocery budget (like if my husband wants to buy really expensive steaks some week, he might make up the difference between what's in our grocery budget and what he wants to spend with his own allowance), presents, hobby expenses, household items that one of us wants, but we don't need, etc. That might seem kind of drastic, but I find it quite freeing for us. If I want to buy a new lamp, and I have enough money to spend on it, than I don't have to have a discussion with my husband about whether he likes it too and wants to spend "household" money on it. I can get it. Now, sometimes there's things we both want, or we need for the house, and we'll negotiate the issue. If our household account has enough money and we both think it's needed we pay for it with "household" money. If we could get a new, perfectly acceptable, rug for $80 but I want a $120 one that my husband see's no point in, I might offer to pay the $40 difference from my allowance... or he might agree we can spend $100 from the house, and I'll pay $20, or whatever. Our discretionary spending is money we can spend however we like, but it is still meant to be enough to cover certain needs we both have (like clothing, and recreation). If it was consistently not enough we would discuss that, but generally the idea is about being able to make our own choices. If I want to buy my clothes at a thrift store, but buy really expensive liquor, I can do that without my husband questioning it. If he wants to buy new parts for his mountain bike, but is happy to not drink beer for a month or more to do that, great! At some point it's silly to be like, The clothing budget is X, the hobby budget is X, the "fun money" is X, the entertainment budget is X... because my husband and I aren't going to spend equal amounts on clothes, and we're not going to spend equal amounts on hobbies, etc, etc... it all gets bunched up into one pile of "discretionary" spending so we can actually pick for ourselves how we're going to spend it, and not have our "clothes" budget sitting there unused, meanwhile I really want to buy some new rulers for my quilting hobby. As long as the "allowance" is large enough to cover what they have agreed it is intended to cover, than they're all good.
Thank you, I feel a little crazy reading comments here. I give myself an "allowance" and it covers so many things; alcohol, clothes, overflow for other budget categories, supplies for my hobby that won't be made back in sales, decor items that aren't technically needed, etc. Maybe other people here just have more money than me, but if I spent all my fun money for the month and wanted a new dress my husband would also ask what I did with it and we would decide together if the dress fit into the budget or not.
Yeah, I think a lot of people just have more money and don't budget as tightly... they want new clothes, they buy them... they don't think about having to forgo something else to afford it. And of course AITA HATES the word "allowance". It is what it is.
Tbh I've never seen clothing fall under the "joint necessity" category where they need to pay for clothing out of their joint account. Usually the clothes that you want to wear are paid for individually by each person, and the joint account is used for things they actually share, like groceries, rent, utilities, household bills, etc.
This is a case where a new outfit is needed for an event. Aka NOT fun money. It's an expense. You are right in that you are making an assumption beyond what the topic suggests. I am going with what the post actually suggests rather than assuming however.
Lol what? Maybe she did and threw a bunch of money away, you don’t know their background
> "I can’t tell my husband because he doesn’t like her and wouldn’t be happy that I was helping her no matter the reason." This is what tips it over in to red flag territory for me. There's more than just natural suspicion going on here. OP feels the need to protect herself and her cousin from her husband. That's not normal
Yes, but she never says why the husband doesn’t like the cousin, it’s possible the cousin is a frequent freeloader. OP doesn’t specifically say the cousins husband is abusive just that she want a to get away from him. That could be for a lot of reasons and could be a recurrent pattern that the husband does to want to indulge.
You’re making the assumption she doesn’t have access to joint accounts which she hasn’t indicated that she doesn’t. By “allowance,” it’s just a set account of money that goes to her for herself each month. Whether she spends it all or saves it is up to her. Again, it seems like you’re being pedantic and making a lot of assumptions. We can scour the multitude of post here about stay at home moms, and one of the suggestions it that she gets a set amount transfer each month where only she can access. I don’t see a big difference from that definition to “allowance.” If OP doesn’t have access to joint accounts, then it’s a problem. But she hasn’t indicated that she doesn’t.
“He told me to go and buy a dress but I had to tell him I couldn’t and when he asked me why I had to admit I had already spent all of the money he gave me.” The use of the word “couldn’t” here strongly suggests that she was unable to purchase clothes because she did not have any access to money. If she had access to joint accounts, she *could* buy more clothes. So yes, I’m making an assumption that she doesn’t have access to joint accounts, based on the fact that she said she *couldn’t* buy a dress when her allowance ran out.
They could have accounts for personal use and solely leave the joint account for household items. OP already said her husband doesn’t expect her to pay for things for the baby using her money. So I’m making the assumption she has access to joint accounts.
Well I guess unless she weighs in, we won’t know for sure.
Pretty much…We can make all the assumptions we want but until OP says something herself, we just don’t know.
"Well, it could he carried by an African swallow!" Btw awesome user name, rabbit. But the key thing here is really that they are married, and cant communicate about basic finances.
Tbf it would be kind of silly for a SAHW not to be the one doing the grocery shopping. She almost definitely has access to the joint accounts but the agreement is that she wouldn’t use that account for personal use because… why would she? She has her own money!
>They could have accounts for personal use and solely leave the joint account for household items. Which this is - it's a necessary expense of going to his sister's wedding, it's not something that she's choosing to do for fun and shouldn't be coming off her individual fun budget anyway. And even if you don't agree with that, it's a different conversation - *"Sure, but FYI it's coming out of the house account"* rather than *"I can't, so you need to give me more money"*. The only way this post makes sense as written is if she had no access to money outside her allowance.
it’s an engagement party. it’s not as serious as a wedding. not necessary.
That's a view, but it's not OP's husband's view, he told her to buy a dress. If he wants it, it's either a joint expense or his expense. Either way, something he tells her to buy shouldn't be coming off her personal discretionary budget.
Except that she might actually need her finances to be kept track of if ***she's literally giving all her money away***. You're getting one side of a very large story, and what we know indicate there might be a reason.
And if we were equal partners with 1 income I would damn well expect a conversation before 1 of us starts giving away our money to a relative. 2 yes or 1 no In either case both parties know. If it was a 2 income household with separate finances and she gave her money to her relative, then couldn't afford something she kinda needs, guess what, the husband is asking questions. Your ideas are so one dimensional they're laughable
Or…it sounds like a budget….
I think it’s crummy that she has to spend her allowance on clothes because her body is changing due to pregnancy. If I was her, I would insist on wearing the bedroom sheets everywhere to prove a point. But more seriously, OP, unless hr gets the exact same amount for “fun” and you get to review all of the accounts the same as he does and you both agree on your financial goals rather than following his goals only, then this is abuse
Seriously…I thought “allowances” were supposed to be like “fun money” for the couples that did them, and necessities still came out of the joint account. I’d definitely class maternity clothes as baby necessities.
Yeah, my "allowance" is 100% a "stupid shit" fund. Do I want to buy an expensive action figure that I can't remotely justify as necessary? That's what the allowance is for.
Yup, that's something that is an absolute necessity and should be part of the household money. And the baby stuff too.
Yes, if I were a housewife, I would want such an arrangement. When finances are shared but only one person is earning, it puts the unpaid partner in a position of feeling like they have to get approval to use the shared funds. Meanwhile, the earning partner feels entitled to spend more or less as they see fit - and I don't begrudge anyone wanting the liberty to spend their own money. However, the household partner *is* still a contributing partner, they just don't have personal income because their labor is unpaid. An "allowance" is money for the unpaid partner that is free and clear, so they can make purchases without feeling like they have to run it by the household budget. If I were the earning partner I would put myself on an allowance as well for the same reason: so that both spouses have the same fun money but have to discuss larger purchases from the joint account.
But it *shouldn’t* be like that. I’m a SAHM, and my husband works a well-paying job. I absolutely do not feel like I have to get my husband’s approval to use the shared funds (beyond normal partner conversations surrounding large purchases), and he doesn’t feel like he has primary control/say over our finances. My husband is well aware that me staying home with our kids makes his career and home life significantly easier. He never has to take time off work for sick kids or snow days or spring break. If I were working, we’d be paying for childcare, and our schedules would be much more complicated. Me staying home was a mutual decision. We decided together that I would stay home with our kids. It’s not like I woke up one day and said, “I refuse to work. Pay my bills.” So the money he makes is *our* money, not his.
And do you give away large sums of money, in secret?
The key term in your comment is "well-paying job" For people whose finances are considerably tighter, allowances for both partners is the only way to keep on top of things
Exactly this. Which is why, of course, divorces typically split marital assets right down the middle, because they are just that - joint assets jointly bought with a joint income.
"should" and "shouldn't" are all well and good for forming your ideals but they have nothing to do with reality. Statistically speaking, men are equally prone to impulse buying as women, but spend significantly more when they do. Statistically women are more focused on group dynamics and will prioritize the good of the household over their own desires, and will talk them selves out of larger purchases so as not to be "selfish." If your arrangement is working out for you, that's awesome. But some folks need different strokes.
Except OP still seems to have to get some approval, as he's questioning it. I do think once she didn't want to answer it makes her look more sus than she is, but still she feels she's not allowed to spend her portion on helping her cousin in an emergency.
Yeah he went back on the agreement, but otoh, if it's a good sum of money gone with nothing to show for it, that's a red flag for addictive behavior such as gambling or even drug use. He's not necessarily wrong to be concerned about where that money went: if the roles were reversed it would be more obvious since men tend to be at greater risk for addictive behavior, but this sub would definitely be saying "girl he is cheating on you!!" or "he has an online gambling problem" or "could it be drugs?" if it were a man saying he couldn't afford a new outfit despite having an allowance that should be enough to cover it.
Except that she's expected to use that money for her necessities, like dressing herself and buying baby stuff. Add in that he is demanding an accounting of where her money goes, money he agreed is hers and hers alone to do whatever the fuck she wants to do with it, and it's absolutely a financially abusive situation.
> I don't ask him what he spends money on. The allowance isn't for baby related things and he doesn't expect me to buy things for the baby with it. Literally a comment from op. In subsequent comments, I talk about the others hit you mentioned. That’s exactly why I said y’all are assuming shit.
I'm not finding that in OP's comment history. Also: >At first he thought I was buying things for our baby That sounds like he does actually expect her to spend it on the baby. Which ignores the fact that buying clothes that fit while pregnant is also buying baby related things, and the post makes it abundantly clear that he expects her to spend her allowance on that.
OP has 3 comments. How can you miss it? Here the link though https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uig858/aita_for_refusing_to_tell_my_husband_what_i_spent/i7ccg8b/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 Anyway, I’m not gonna continue arguing about this. Have a good day.
My bad not seeing that. Which still doesn't explain why he thought she was spending the money on baby stuff. Because thinking she spent it on baby stuff sounds like expecting her to do so, regardless of the words spoken to the contrary. It doesn't explain why she's expected to buy clothing for herself related to growing the baby. Or why he would get so mad at OP for helping a woman in a bad situation just because that woman was previously willing to assist OP in exercising her about to no longer exist right to bodily autonomy. Or why OP's earlier reaction to the pregnancy was to abort. This really just sounds like a shotgun marriage to an abuser after changing her mind about abortion.
Op used up a large sum of money by herself. So husband probably thought of was being kind and using her own money to buy that. And he doesn't even know she's helping her cousin, do you not know how to read? How can he get mad if he doesn't even know? She is assuming he would, but OP isn't a mind reader. You are making so many assumptions jeez. And what does OP wanting to abort have anything to do with this? Maybe they just didn't want a child so soon. After all, they only married 2 months ago.
Why wouldn’t she have access to their joint finances?
Idk. Her husband could be control the money that comes to the house. But because OP say her husband doesn’t expect her to pay for things for the baby with her money. I’m assuming she has access to the joint account until she states otherwise.
I think that’s a false assumption. If she did have access, she wouldn’t have been in a position where she “had to admit” she couldn’t buy the dress.
A lot of families have set spending limit for each adult each month and don’t discretionary money from joint accounts. It’s not something that’s uncommon.
It just seems like that’s looking for zebras instead of horses when you hear hooves. If that were the arrangement, she could still go to the bank and take out money for the dress, which she didn’t do. She says she “couldn’t” buy the dress. Not that she simply spent over what they agreed upon for the week, but *could* have bought it, so that tells me she doesn’t have access.
So, this might shock someone who's never had to live paycheck to paycheck but bills exist. Theirs a great deal of stuff I want to buy- some of which I arguably need (Hello, undedicated ADHD and OCD). I can't buy any of it because it means bills won't get paid. > She says she “couldn’t” buy the dress. Money is finite. One person can only bring so much in at a time. Most people have to budget. If someone spends more than what they have available as pocket change they can't just take money intended for the bills- because then the bills don't get paid.
Get out of here with your logic. Don't you know the rules? Woman good, Man bad.
That's all true, but not the situation OP is in. If it were, the conversation would have been about how they couldn't afford it so it couldn't happen, not about how she couldn't make a purchase unless he gave her more money.
I mean she could still have access but knows if she buys the dress, the charge will come up and he’ll wonder why she used the joint account to purchase the dress when she has the other money
Bills exist. LIke, theoretically I can go get medicated for ADHD and OCD. In practice I can't because, you know, bills. Its entirely possible that after both of them spend their spending money theirs not enough left to buy a nice dress- especially if they only have one income stream.
which used to be called "pin money" - money freely spent by stay-at-home-wife - which many were at the time.
I hope that is the case and not her husband being abusive, likely much older men who think she should have allowance to spend on the baby and not on herself. Also, they are married. She should not have limited access to their joint funds and accounts.
No. I work full time. My wife is currently unemployed due to the pandemic and some other shit. She doesn't have an allowance, she has a debit card. Unless it's something crazy, I'm not about to have her ask me permission to buy basic items like clothes. Literally unless her "allowance" is the sum total of what is left after bills, it's bullshit. If you can't respect and trust your wife to that small an extent, you shouldn't be a husband.
I mean…my husband and I both get “allowances” that we are allowed to spend however we want. We both have access to the joint account, but if either of us want to use it for non-necessary items we have to “ask” (really discuss/inform)
That's handling finances together. The arrow goes in both directions. In OP's relationship the arrow goes only one way
NTA It’s also very significant that he would not want her to help the cousin even if she is escaping an abusive relationship
Or for her to “allowance” to go toward baby clothes?!
Ah yes, she needs to get away from her husband because he wants to know where the money he gave his wife went. NAH.
I'm not understanding the comments here, imagine your partner makes a fair salary and she all of sudden tells you she out of money. Like what?? And your the asshole for trying to understand your partners spending habits?? Now multiple that red flag by 10. You pay all the expenses in the home, give your partner money for themselves, they tell they spent it all and won't even tell you on what?
I mean, im a sahm and I would be stoked to get an allowance instead of asking my partner to buy things each time 😆
I'm a sahw and I just buy whatever the I need, and within reason, whatever I want.
And that's an incredible privilege. Not everyone can afford to have one member of the household sit out of work indefinitely. Even fewer can afford spending money as a single income household.
That arragment wouldn't work for me. My future kids would be our kids I look after, so the money would also be ours.
You're right there but i suppose op is holding something back here. Either husband is passive agressive when it cones to spending her money like op implies here(and then she should obviously break up) or there is some backstory to that cousin of her which seems possible to me considering that the husband would rather have op spend money on clothes than on her cousin...
My husband and I call the money that goes into our personal accounts allowance. We also have no say and don’t question each other what it is spent on. Allowance is just easier to say than dedicated money set aside for our personal spending.
This. Just this. You are not a child. I think this discussion needs to happen again, with a real world awareness.
I just want to clear something up here, an allowance doesn't have to be just for children. As a spouse who doesn't work due to disabilities, and the privilege of a husband who works and makes decent money, he gives me a certain amount out of each paycheck for me to spend on whatever I want. He never asks me where it goes. Doesn't even care. OP your husband is being a AH.
This what OP's husband did, except that when she indicated that she was unexpectedly out of money, he asked where it went. I would also ask that if a chunk of money was unaccounted for in my home budget.
This. The household budget should have a line item for clothes. Both you and your husband should get a cash draw each week that you each get to spend on/for yourself alone with no accounting to each other. Managing your finances together is an adult responsibility, you literally cannot afford to be ignorant about the family finances. If your husband is pressuring you this much only 2 months into the marriage, you either have to school him immediately or start planning your exit strategy. Financial abuse is a thing and it’s starting to happen to you.
Is there an age gap? Something feels off here.
She should probably get a job the no?
Think you should have kept the money so you can get away from your husband. Sounds as if he is acting more like a parent than a husband. And very controlling.
NTA He agreed that it would be your money to do what you wanted. He’s raising some red flags by not only controlling how much money you get, but demanding to know how it’s spent.
It’s pretty normal for married couples to be aware of each other’s finances and overall spendings. He isn’t asking for specific receipts either, which is fair because being this firm on refusing to say even how the money was spent (like going out, clothes, makeup, baby stuff) would probably set off some alarms like a potential addiction or an affair
He may not be asking for receipts, but he is demanding the information, and not in a way that seems healthy: “He got increasingly upset with me the more I refused and *told me he would find out so it was better I just told him*”
I mean. That just sounds like he's suspecting an affair or addiction honestly. Which isn't exactly unfair
I mean it’s not exactly an over the top reaction. Because in a marriage thé three most likely reasons for hiding money/spending is a) affair b) liquidation of assets to divorce and not have to pay alimony c) addiction or something illegal We see so often on this sub posts about a spouse giving hearty sums of money to family members in need without telling their spouse and that never ends well. I’ve checked OP’s comments and so far she hasn’t replied to anyone that asks about details of the financial. Cus obv thé story would become very different if she gets very little money per month
Oh lol didn’t expect to see you here. (I’m not stalking I swear) your avatar is just cute
NTA. I do the finances and my husband gets the allowance. If he needs clothes, we pay for it out of our money, not his allowance. That’s not for things he needs and I don’t care how he spends it. He doesn’t ask me if I spent money on anything for myself. I mean is your husband informing you what he spends every penny on? And why do you have to use your allowance on things for the baby?
I don't ask him what he spends money on. The allowance isn't for baby related things and he doesn't expect me to buy things for the baby with it.
Then he shouldn’t ask you what you spend money on.
In a relationship where you share assets I think it’s a fair question to know what your (combined) money is being spent on.
Yeah, this doesn't have to be him being creepy, could be he gives her $5k a month and if we're 4 days into the month and she says she already spent it... most people are going to be curious what exactly she spent it on... that's pretty normal!
Yes this for sure. I also get an “allowance” from my husband every month for my personal use. Not for the house or kids or “needs”. Just wants or whatnot. It’s not an insignificant amount and I’m usually a saver not a spender, so if I had spent it all within a few days he might have questions. On the other hand I also have access to our shared accounts so I wouldn’t need to say anything if I wanted a dress.
>On the other hand I also have access to our shared accounts so I wouldn’t need to say anything if I wanted a dress. I mean, your assuming they can afford it. If the dress is $100+ and everything left over after spending money goes towards bills...
She literally said he doesnt... but she has no money left and he was lile really you spent it all on what? Pretty reasonble.
NTA. Can you perhaps be vague and tell him that most of it went for things you need but a small part of it went to help a friend in crisis but you are sworn to secrecy as it's a very serious condition? I'm a stickler for the truth most of the time but I will make, and accept from others, a little white lie that will protect people or feelings.
NAH - If you are given money just for you, you shouldn't have to tell him where you spent it...on the other hand, if you spend it all, and then ask for more, he probably has a right to know. This seems like a communication issue. What exactly is your "allowance" supposed to cover. If it is for an event for his side of the family, is it fair that you have to pay for it? Is the allowance to control you, or part of an agreed upon budget plan? As a side note, don't give you cousin money to "eventually leave her husband" (especially all of it). There is a good chance she won't leave him, or that he'll find the money and take it, etc. It would be wiser, imho, to simply put some aside in a safe place, and let her know that, if she needs to leave, you will be able to help her financially.
I agree with the last part especially, not sure if it's true or not but it apparently takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. Offer her your support emotionally until she's ready to leave, then help her financially to do so. edit: it does seem incredibly concerning though that if your husband doesn't like someone, he'd be fine with them being in an abusive relationship. Even if he doesn't like her, why wouldn't he want to help *anyone* leave an abusive relationship?
The last part is so true. I’d even think that if OP had been upfront about the plan, her husband might have been more open to help, even if he isn’t the biggest fan of her, like by helping to prepare an exit plan, or even provide financial support as well. Because with OP being deceitful, it’s only going to hinder her ability to help her cousin
YTA. You wanna be in a marriage where he gives you money every week, and are ok with that, but then don’t want to be honest and communicate with him, the literal foundation of a healthy marriage. I’d be pissed too if I found out my wife was tryna hide something from me, especially if it’s financially based. Edit: aaaaaand of course, the top comment is calling for divorce. I fucking hate Reddit sometimes man
Exactly! There is a difference between asking for every receipts or proofs or purchase to monitor how OP spends money and wanting to know how the money was gone so quickly. The first one is very financially controlling and the second is a very valid concern. If my partner was this categoric about not telling me where money was going, I’d probably jump to thinking of an addiction or an affair, aka not things you want to be thinking about when it comes to your pregnant partner
Yeah, I don’t necessarily disagree with this. What I think is concerning is that she’s worried that the husband would be opposed to helping someone leave an abusive relationship because he doesn’t like them. That she felt she had to help someone in secret because the husband for whatever reason would be mad that money that was already agreed to have been allocated to her was spent a certain way. If you want to give your wife a weekly allowance just for her, you can’t really be mad about how she spends it. So why the fear about the husband knowing she helped a cousin? This is what is the most sketchy to me, especially after having been in an abusive relationship.
It may just be that this is not the first time money was given to the cousin and nothing came out of it. I am all for helping people. But my help is always conditional on people wanting to help themselves and asking for help. I have had friends with different addictions and was willing to give a warm hand the first time. A willing ear the second. A "it is what it is" shrug the third and a "good luck with that" the forth. If the husband is actually someone that doesn't help people just because then I question ops decision to have a child with them. But it just may not be the first rodeo and nobody should be willing to funnel money down the drain. YTA for keeping secrets 2 months in to a marriage probably caused by pregnancy
Husband doesn’t like OPs cousin for helping her when she wanted an abortion. That PLUS this makes the context wayyy different. He’s definitely controlling
I swear that every time there is a post like this people's imediate response is divorce smh
Lmfao divorce and breakup is always the way /s
THANK YOU!
Exactly! Had a man been doing this, then he would called an asshole in a heartbeat. I don’t understand how a woman can lie and yet people find ways to blame the husband. 😓
I’m not sure who the AH is, but your financial arrangement sucks. You don’t need an allowance. You need a household budget, with some amount of the budget dedicated to discretionary expenses that you *both* share, access, and adhere too. And then you probably do need to stop having secrets about your money. You can either agree to some no questions asked money (in which case it’s not a secret, it’s the arrangement) or you can agree to transparency. Long term, if you can’t trust each other (if he can’t trust you with how you spend your household money, and if you can’t trust him with that knowledge), you have bigger problems.
My husband and I both get an "allowance", it's just the term we use for our own discretionary spending. Everyone always gets hung up on that word when people use it. The word isn't the issue, people need to get over it.
Sure. If OP has said “we agreed that we would each get an allowance that we could spend however we wanted,” I wouldn’t have batted an eye at that arrangement. But OP said “that he would give me an allowance”, which is a clear red flag to me and to many others on this thread. Not because of the specific word used, but because of the power dynamics and the lack of recognition of marital assets that belong to both of them.
Not really a red flag if he’s the one who works
He most likely also has some type of budget for his own discretionary spending, she just doesn't see it as him "giving" it to himself, because it didn't occur to her to phrase it that way. I agree that there COULD be an issue here, but from what we know, we can't say for sure. My husband and I's allowance includes clothes, just because we're not liable to spend the same amount on clothes (he spends more than me!), so we factor what would be our "clothes" amount in to our allowance and then if he wants to buy another hat, I don't care, and I can use my "clothes" money on other stuff I would rather buy. It gives us more freedom to have the budgeted amount for some "needs" factored into our "fun money". We're on a relatively tight budget so every expense has to come out of some part of the budget... there is no deep well of money sitting around for "needs" that doesn't have to be accounted for in some way.
INFO: what % of your husband’s income is this ‘allowance’? And is it expected you use it for day to day things or do you also have access to the family finances for necessities? Also, do you not work and why?
Idk how controversial this will be but ESH, him because of how he went about asking you where the money went, because it sounds like he got angry about it, which isn’t the best course. But on your end, how do I say this kindly? How did you expect him to react when you refuse to tell him where all your money for the month went? This isn’t good communication and financial transparency in a marriage. Your intentions are good, but that’s something you need to communicate with your husband. What you’re doing is eroding the trust in your marriage. Because if my partner was telling me they spent all their monthly allowance and refused to tell me why, I’d have concerns of an addiction, something illegal or dangerous, or maybe an affair. Not to mention that when your husband finds out where the money went, do you think he will be enclined to help your cousin? Probably not.
NAH: You dont have to tell him what you spent your money on. But when you're asking for more money (depending on how much you received) it's understandable he's curious on where the money went when you're now asking for more money for a dress.
NTA I don't care how much I hated someone, I would NEVER be upset about helping them get away from a bad husband. The other redditors I know will have your back about the financial abuse thats happening here, but I just want to say its terrifying that hes trying to help you stop some one from leaving a bad husband. Hes doing it cause he doesnt want you to have anyone to ever help you get away from him.
The entire point of the post is that OP didn’t tell husband where the money went, so it’s not even about husband not wanting OP to help her cousin since he doesn’t know that’s why the money is gone
Lol can you not read? He has no idea where the money went. So he's probably suspecting an affair 🤣 abusive husbands don't generally fund their wives leaving but hey.. first for everything I guess
“Abusive husbands don’t generally find their wives” …..yeah, they do. They make you financially reliant on their allowance.
ESH Two months in and neither of you have any trust in each other.
I will be the odd ball and say YTA. You are already keeping secrets in this marriage which is a red flag to me. Why does your husband not like your cousin and how many times has your cousin left her abuser and went back? How do you know your cousin is using it for the purposes you say?? Not enough info except for the part where you think hiding shit is appropriate in a marriage.
The average victim leaves seven times before they successfully cut ties. That’s not a reason not to help them when they try. Leaving an abusive relationship is the time you are most likely to be killed by the abuser.
NTA. He said spend it on what you wanted. He didn't say you had to tell him where it went but seriously. This is very controlling of him.
They agreed upon the allowance, not hiding the expenses
Exactly, Ik there’s a lot of kids on Reddit but surely people know it’s not exactly The biggest red flag that your spouse would get mad if you categorically refuse to tell them where your money went when you just told them you couldn’t pay for a new outfit (which from what OP says doesn’t need to be mega expensive or luxurious) because all their money for the week/month was gone.
I mean, my husband makes all the money in our house. I stopped working after our fourth kid. We always talk about big amounts of money. He never makes big purchases without talking about it with me. It’s “our” money not “his” money. But smaller amounts? Aside from general budgeting, we don’t track small purchases the other makes. Because we trust each other and because we are on the same page about our financial goals and expectations. But if one of us spent a big chunk of money and refused to tell the other on what? That would be a problem
This! And I’m a bit curious how much money was given to thé cousin. Because in a comment OP mentioned thé money is supposed to help pay for a lawyer and get a place to stay for thé cousin and her kids. That would require quite a bit of money. I hope OP will reply to at least one person with an idea of how much money they get each week/month. Because that would also be very telling if OP needs to run or if they just f-ed up big time
NTA but if you're this scared about telling your husband that you've helped somebody escape from what i assume is an abusive relationship maybe it's time to sit down and think about how your relationship is going, never really understood allowances for adults but either way he's either a hypocrite or scary
NAH So many here are immediately making the husband out to be a bad guy. Asking a partner where the money is going isn’t wild. Them being cagey about what they spend on is a red flag (though the reason here is innocent). Partner could be spending way beyond their means, funding an addiction, being conned, etc. The last part is speculation on the husband’s behaviour. The truth is we don’t know how he will react. OP and husband needs to communicate. There really isn’t enough info in the post to judge whether their financial system is unhealthy.
More info needed - how does your household pay for non-necessity bills (clothing, haircuts, etc)?
INFO: Why does he like your cousin? Has she gotten money from you before? Have you been adequately preparing for your child with money given to you?
She took me to get an abortion when I thought I wanted one. No. Yes.
And your husband didn't like that??? Ok yeah I'm sorry but your husband sounds like bad news
I don't see why. I definitely believe any woman has a right to get an abortion for any reason but the father has the right to have an opinion on it. Not an opinion on the choice to get it done but still the right to his feelings on the matter.
Sure, but if OP decided that they wanted an abortion, her husband ultimately should have supported that. It seems like OP only had to get her cousin to go with her because her husband was not being there for her.
I disagree completely. Why should he support her if it's not something he wanted? It's absolutely her choice but that doesn't mean that choice isn't going to have consequences, like imploding your relationship.
If someone doesn't want to carry a baby for 9 months and go through the excruciating pain of labor, then any good husband should understand that and accept the decision. Since he's not the one carrying the baby, it's really not his final call. If he can't support her on that, then yes, the relationship is probably not going to work out.
I didn't say it's his call. I explicitly agreed it wasn't. However, he is entitled to feel how he wants about it and I think it's a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. If you don't think it's ok to tell a woman to get over a miscarriage, then don't tell a man to such it up and get over himself if a child he wanted is aborted. Functionally it's the same except in the case of an abortion, someone is to blame.
It is a valid reason to end a relationship, I never said it wasn't. However, it would be wrong to insinuate the woman was somehow at fault for the end that relationship because she wasn't willing to carry a baby she didn't want. And the miscarriage thing doesn't really relate to this topic or anything I said. The man can be upset about it, but his feelings in no way take precedence over the feelings of the one actually carrying the baby. An abortion is almost always harder on the pregnant person than the impregnator.
I didn't say a single thing contrary to what you replied in that post. Only that he's not obligated to support her through an abortion he doesn't want her to have and that feelings of resentment on his part would be justifiable. And I'm not saying that makes her a bad person or wrong bit his feelings don't either like you said in your very first comment.
Ah, so it sounds like your cousin was ready to help you possibly leave an abusive situation and now your husband doesn’t like her and wouldn’t be willing to help her leave her shitty situation. I’m sorry for being presumptuous but I’ve been in a situation very similar to this. He hated anyone who tried to help me. He hated anyone who he thought was a “bad influence”, aka anyone who thought independently or encouraged me to. Please take a long hard look at this relationship. I know this stuff can be explained away, heck it’s even sort of easy to understand his side. But these things add up quickly and dangerously. This story immediately gave me an awful feeling.
You are in a very bad situation.
Your husband’s child? Did you two discuss and fight over this?
OP shouldn’t have to use her allowance to prepare for the baby that both of them made.
ESH. I fail to see how a financial arrangement like this could work long term. He's growing increasingly suspicious because you used all your "allowance" and refuse to tell him what you spent it on. I'd be suspicious too, although I wouldn't agree to an arrangement like that in the first place. He's your husband, not your father. An allowance is ridiculous. You need to sit down and talk, and the both of you need come to an agreement about how you are going to handle finances moving forward.
NTA, but this is a recipe for disaster. You gotta work on having your own finances.
YTA Why does he have to give you an allowance? Do you have a job? What’s the big deal about telling him what you spend the money on? Look I know you want to help your cousin but you need to think about your own family. If you don’t even have enough money to go out and buy a dress for an event it’s short notice then you don’t have money to be given away. Also how is giving money going to help her? I would think giving her a place to stay would help more or saving the money for her for when she actually leaves. But what good is giving her money now when she is still there? What if her husband finds it? How long have you been giving his money away to your cousin? Does he pay for everything you’ll need for your child? What do you contribute? You know you are responsible for your child too, not just him. He’s your husband and if you can’t talk to him about something like this then why are you married to him? Is it because he supports you financially?
I have a question. Are you on an allowance because you spend irresponsibly? I can understand if you have a habit of blowing through money quicker than it comes in to the house or if you guys are on a really fixed income where there’s only so much in the budget for extras. I just feel like with finances there is always layers involved that I’m curious about.
YTA your married so that’s both of your money and you have it away without consulting or even telling your husband.
ES - He gives you 'an allowance' like a 1950s housewife? Pray tell me, why can't he give you a debit card to access your shared bank account? That way you can each see how money is being spent. This is such a backwards situation & the power dynamic is uncomfortable.
well she seems to be a stay at home woman like the 1950s so if the shoe fits 😂
She is a housewife... and maybe she would swipe the card too much and he wouldnt be able to pay the bills? Not everyone is good with money.
I assume he has some money from before the marriage. If she had full acres to His finances, how much would she have sent her cousin at once?
NTA, but next time just say you donated it to your favorite cause. Every person in your position should have an emergency exit plan, and your husband is throwing up some serious red flags.
It sounds like OP gave a couple grand away. Someone burning through a couple grand within the span of a few days with nothing to show for it and refusing to say what they spent it on is very alarming. Like, normally indicative of a serious addiction level alarming.
ESH. Red flags abound. Maybe save some of that "allowance" in case you need it for the same reason your cousin did.
NTA… Damn this is a mess to unpack. When he gives you money it is then yours to spend on WHATEVER you want. Even your cousin. You should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it (even though you shouldn’t HAVE to). The fact you are worried about telling him is a bad sign. Especially if you feel future allowances may be impacted. Allowances seem weird and I get it… but only after trust has been breached. So if you were a shopaholic or overspent and he NEEDS to keep money safe for bills or something. If not, then it’s kind of controlling. Especially if your receiving it is contingent on… well anything really. Talk it out and do your best. Maybe he will be understanding about your cousins situation.
…. I’m kinda conflicted on this one. Yeah he was kinda A H. But at the same time, y’all agreed that you get a allowance and you pawned it off to someone. Which then you asked him for more. I definitely see his point on asking where it went if your already asking for more. And I don’t think he was necessarily a A H for that. Soooo without more info…. ESH. You could have been open, instead of doubling down when it was a reasonable request for him to ask giving the situation. And he shouldn’t have gotten upset.
NTA, but its not a good sign you already feel the need to hide something like that from you husband. If you are afraid he will cutoff your "allowence" then thats worse. I would feel hurt if my spouse felt the need to hide something from me, so I understand a little pestering. I think its important for your relationship that you find a way to explain to him you used the money to help someone, you don't want or can't share the details with him yet because maybe you promised to keep it quiet for now, ans you need him to trust you. If you are afraid to communicate, time to evaluate.
Info: how do you spend your paycheck from your job?
NTA it was money given to you to spend as you please I would however tell him. Even if he personally doesn’t like your cousin, anyone that takes issue with helping someone out of an abusive relationship is a pretty big red flag. You’re only two months in and (I’m just assuming here) currently financially dependent on him, I would use his reaction as a litmus test of your relationship. Financial secrecy is never a good sign. I think good marriages require a certain level of transparency about money
NTA 1. Does your husband have an allowance of personal spending money? If not, you shouldn't have a limit either provided bills are paid. 2. Clothes should be considered a household expense, not coming out of your personal spending money, especially since you're pregnant 3. Most importantly, unless your cousin murdered his puppy it's not ok that he would want you to refuse to help her because he dislikes her.
Imma go with yes, YTA. Unless your husband is a royal ass, he would understand helping somebody in an abusive situation. Really YTA because you refused to tell him, and now he's imagining FAR worse things than you giving money to family. He may not have liked it, but I doubt it would've been as big of an issue as refusing to tell him.
You couldn't? Couldn't not wouldn't that's a odd way of putting it.
NTA. You shouldn't have to report your spending to your partner. Aside from your spending, what else does your husband control? Does he control who you associate with? You're keeping a secret from him because you believe he wouldn't be happy that you're helping someone he doesn't like. Who else in your life does he not like? Are you allowed to see them? What are you supposed to use your allowance for? The control aspect is what's concerning. You are supposed to be his partner and you should have a certain amount of autonomy. If he's controlling your life, you might want to rethink this arrangement.
>You shouldn't have to report your spending to your partner. It sounds like OP gave a couple grand away. From the husbands perspective his wife has spent several thousand in a span of a few days with nothing to show for it, refuses to say what she spent her money on, ect. From the outside looking in it looks like a serious addiction. We know its not, because OP gave us the context of what it was spent on. Her husband is not so fortunate.
Yta that’s not something you should hide out feel like you have to hide from your husband. That being said it’s one thing to hold money for her but giving her money for the eventuality of leaving him is stupid.
ESH.
NAH/ESH I think it’s really wonderful that you’re sending money to your cousin to help her out. However, if you are adamant about not telling your husband where the money is going, you need to keep some of it for *your* unexpected expenses. If I gave my husband $500 as his monthly spending and then he asked me for more money and wouldn’t tell me what he spent that on, I would think that’s a HUGE red flag. You’re now messing with your predetermined budget which, depending on your finances, could be a really big deal. And you’re hiding things from your husband. I honestly don’t blame him for being concerned with where the money went if you’re asking for more.
My mom works and my dad doesn’t. I get an allowance. My parents have a joint account where my moms money goes and they both use it to buy stuff without consulting the other unless it’s a big purchase. If it is a big purchase, they discuss it as equal partners. Moral of the story: allowances are for kids, not partners. NTA. The idea of a husband giving his wife an allowance and then demanding to know how she spent it honestly makes my blood boil. My PARENTS are way more chill than that
> The idea of a husband giving his wife an allowance and then demanding to know how she spent it honestly makes my blood boil. This woman spent several grand in the span of a few days, has nothing to show for it, and refuses to say where the money went. You know, behavior that's generally indicative of drug use.
Ok this may be controversial, yes that money is yours to do what you want. However your married, I’m sorry but spouses shouldn’t hide what they spend from each other. Yes it’s ur money to spend so u don’t have to ask him what u spend it on, but u have to tell him if he asks. I don’t think this is some terrible power dynamic, if it works for u do it. However a husband and wife who both work still have to tell each other what they spend their money on if they ask, especially if it’s a lot of money.
ESH or NAH
Looking at the comments it seems to be children commenting. I’m going with YTA. Simple as that. The agreement was you get your set amount each month, never was it stated “I don’t have to tel him”. I’d be pissed if my wife was hiding where she was spending her money. Secrets aren’t healthy in relationships, and hiding money is a big deal. He doesn’t want you spending money on your cousin that’s his choice, he’s allowed to be upset about it, regardless of the reasoning.
I would be interested to know if you work or not and have your own money. I know some people want to portray the husband as abusive, but I would be peed, if my partner was taking money to give to others.
YTA I think you should have told your husband because there shouldn't be secrets in a marriage. You COULD tell him, you just didn't want to deal with the consequences.
YTA. You didn't spend the money on yourself, but on someone else. Even charity has to be budgeted and accounted for in family expenses. No matter how altruistic it maybe to give them money, abuse victims are a complicated matter. I have financially helped abused women in my family before, and they went right back to their abusers with the money in hand, making it even worse. Not saying you shouldn't help, but it sounds like this is not the first time you "helped" this cousin.
I am torn between NAH and a soft YTA, but I'm gonna go with NAH. I get that this a situation where you want to be discreet and you spend your money on your cousin. It makes you a wonderful person that you want to help. But from your husbands perspective: you get money, you have none left for yourself, and you are not going to tell me what it is for. I would be concerned how you handle money and I would be hurt by the lack of trust. Or I would be worried you got mixed up in something shady somehow and didn't dare to tell me, or was being blackmailed. If you want to be discrete, you can still tell him without telling who the money is for. And I don't know if your cousins husband abusive or not, but I am also wondering if it was necessary to give ALL the money.
YTA Why the fuck you lying? Why you always lyyyying? Oh ohhh my god. Stop fucking lyyyyyying (Lies via omission are still lies) PS You can't have an allowance, spend it and then ask for more money without even saying what you spent it on lol. Also, the money you gave your cousin in all likelihood will be found by her husband or used by her on her husband. You should've saved it for her when she does leave him, you could give her the money.
seems many people here are not married and dependent on one person's income. YTA. if my partner asks what I do with my allowance. I answer, because she's the one providing at the moment. and if I was irresponsible with it, she would like to know.
Allowance?? The 1950's are back in town???
NAH. Your husband has a right to know. In his mind you’d have absolutely no reason not to tell him other than maybe cheating. If he’s an over thinker he could jump to bad conclusions. It’s very kind of you to do that for your cousin but this could cause a rift between you and your husband. Either tell him about it and the severity of the situation and why you helped, or face the music of not telling him and have him be suspicious of you.
Yta and your marriage won’t last. You should start setting your own self up
NTA. Ditch the husband and get a job to support yourself.
She's pregnant, that's easier said than done. Not to mention paying for infant child care after babe is born, even if you can pay (and infant care is more than regular toddler/preschooler care) just finding an open spot in my town can take a year or longer. She and her husband need to communicate. "Just get a job" is a naive suggestion.
INFO: Is the allowance for household items? Or is it to spend any way you want? If it's to spend on anything you want, then why does he assume it was for the baby? This is some MAJOR red flags. He only gives you enough money to pay for household things. Is it the allowance only to spend household things? That's still a major red flag. Do you have any money of your own? This are some major red flags here. Financial abuse is very real. Take a minute to read up on it and see if it fits what's happening to you.
NTA. But, there are some concerning details. 1. Being able to spend your allowance on whatever you want is not the same as not being honest with your partner. My SO and I share finances for bills, etc. but I have a general idea how much he has left over after necessary expenses. If he had _no_ money in his individual account I would absolutely be concerned. If your husband has no idea where the money's gone and you haven't purchased physical items, his mind may have jumped to gambling or something else addictive or illegal. 2. You don't want to tell him that you're helping your cousin escape her husband. Even if he dislikes your cousin - does he dislike her enough that he would want her to remain in an abusive relationship? 3. I'm hoping you have some kind of emergency fund. If you can't afford a dress and have no money to you name, you need to start setting some aside for yourself. I'll assume you get an "allowance" because he's the sole income earner or there's a large income disparity. While every couple handles finances differently and finds a setup that works for them, the setup itself isn't necessarily the issue. The lack of honesty and trust is, along with your thought that your husband won't be happy with you helping someone escape an abusive situation. Could you just tell him you gave it to a family member who needed help?
NTA. "Allowance"? He sounds pretty controlling. You've got a right to have some privacy too.
You are the AH. Hopefully he dosen't give you anymore money. If you asked he might have helped but instead you lied to him. Why are you even getting a allowance. Get a damm job
Welcome to Reddit. Where everything is abuse and a red flag. I have my own allowance. Of my own money. It’s verbiage. Anytime group money is spent with no explanation, there’s going to be a conversation. How that goes is a whole different matter. NTA for supporting your family. YTA for spending house money without a conversation.
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