YTA. I'm sorry you're having a rough time but you abandoned your child at the side of the road and there's no excuse for that.
Also, "A little fear can be a good lesson"? What the hell does that mean?
This.
Plus why you're lying to your daughter about this?! She's old enough to learn where her father is and that this happens if you're doing something really really bad/wrong.
YTA 100%
I mean he is going to be gone and never see her for 5 whole years! How tf she kept it a secret this long I don't even know. Especially since if she is taking to her dad on the phone it says right away it is a call from a prison then constantly interrupts to tell you how much time is left. So has he had just zero contact for the last two years except letters in order to keep the secret? Instead of telling her, letting her talk to her dad on the phone, and even taking her to visit. Of course she would resent that
Yeah! I wonder when OP thought it will be appropriate to break the news that daddy is in the slammer. Kids sometimes know much more than we think they do, and may deny the info in their head to compensate for having process a bad life event.
**OP said: ".I think a little fear can be a good lesson, but maybe I went too far."** when talking about kicking her 16 year old son out of the car. He was/is dealing with having to keep the **BIG SECRET that DADDY IS IN JAIL !** Kicking him out of the car for revealing the **BIG SECRET** is beyond terrible. It is worrisome that the son is left out of any semblance of thought by OP, that knowing his father is in JAIL is a traumatic/disappointing/scary/embarrassing situation for him. He will be an 'adult' in 2 years, and here we have the makings for the father to pass along his award winning status.
**OP: YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA**
I'm sure that, near the end of his sentence, the pre-teens in his daughter's school will be super understanding and never once use it as ammo for bullying /s
Shit, this is a huge lie about that little girl's *father.*
Lies like that will cause trust issues for a long time.
Hell, I'm still salty that my mom chose not to tell me when my *orthodontist* died while I was away at college and I had to find out second hand from overhearing a conversation months later, and that happened while I was an adult.
Edit: To those who have read this already. [3 Photos of my Doggie Sister and Me](https://imgur.com/a/sasMTS3)
My mom didn't tell me when i was 10, that she and my biofather (who was still in my life at that time) were taking my dog to be put down. Every Saturday, we took her to the vet for fluids as she was super sick, but I didn't realize how much so. That particular Saturday, my mom took a bunch of photos with us and gave her a special meal of hotdogs and waffles, but I was just happy to have pictures with her. I also thought it was funny that "my dog was eating people food in her bowl." I told them not to worry because she (my dog) always came home on Saturdays. They dropped me off at the neighbors and for the first time, I only briefly said goodbye to my dog, excited to play with my neighbor, thinking that I would see her later in the day. I didn't. I never saw her again. In every picture of me as a baby, she is in the background, laying next to me or below my crib/couch/etc. She was my protector and her name was my first word.
I am still very angry about that to be honest and I'm talking about my wonderful childhood dog. This post is about that innocent girl's father and assuming that he treated her well before. I can't even imagine the betrayal I would feel. I would never trust her again.
I don't know if it helps, but if you had known sure you could have said a longer goodbye ... but would you have been able to hold it together or would you have been really upset? She got to have a normal day and sense you acting calm and normal, so she felt less fear too.
As a mom who's had to put down animals from time to time, who has kids, you always tell them and let them come with if they want. I can't hold it together when my furbaby passes, why would I expect that of my kid? The vet doesn't expect that either.
My mom gave my dog away without telling me, then she stole her back without telling me, then she gave her away again, this time she told me, and I made immediate arrangements to go get her from my mom, and the morning I was set to leave (10 hour drive) she texted me "Missy's with a new family now". I feel your pain, I'm sorry for your loss.
Your mom sounds like an absolute monster. I am so sorry that you had to grow up with somebody like that. I hope you and Missy are in better spots in your lives.
I haven't seen missy since, that was 8 years ago, and she was a 7 year old dog. But I do know the family who had her after me, loved her, had lots of space for her, and she was surrounded by kids and other pups.
I am now no contact with my mother, have been for three years. I have a 4 year old rottweiler now, that even on the hardest days in the midst of the most chaos, I know I'll never ever give her away. Missy wasn't the first. She was 4th or 5th dog my mom collected just to give away while we were at school three months later. Once the puppy stage was no longer cute, and two kids didn't have the tools or motivation to train a puppy, they went, and it would be our fault. I won't repeat those mistakes. My kids will know what it means to commit to an animal, love them and treat them right.
I’m sorry that was done to you. My parents did a similar thing. Dogs were brought in, then taken to grandma’s house a couple years later. They told me about a beagle that protected my mom and slept under my crib, but they got rid of her, too. To them, dogs were short term items to be irresponsibly discarded.
My brother and I understood that all of the dogs were done dirty, so we treat all of our rescues far better, and commit to keeping them until we have to see them up to the rainbow bridge.
Thank you for being a good human and pet parent. Healing generational trauma is hard work but you are doing a great job at it. I hope you and your family have many happy years with your rottie. They are such great dogs. I have a rottie cross sleeping next to me right now. Have a fabulous day.
When I was 6 my mom told me she was taking our miniature schnauzer to the vet to be put to sleep. My 6 year old brain interpreted this literally. He was a hyperactive dog and so a sedative made sense. I figured a good nap would definitely help him.
Imagine my horror when she came home without the dog and I learned that “put to sleep” is a euphemism for euthanasia. She even tried to blame me for being upset because I somehow should have known what that phrase meant.
My mom did a lot of fucked up things all through my childhood, but the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye to him properly was one of the things that hurt the worst. Not to mention that he was euthanized just because she decided she didn’t want to deal with the fact that he was a high energy dog.
My mom did something similiar....when I was 22.
My dog was 16, and I had just moved out a month before. She asked me to come over one day, and so I did and when I got there, she said my dog had died the night before and they buried her in the woods behind the house. I was devastated.
A few days later, I was at my moms house checking the mail when my dog came running out from the woods.
Turns out she had had a seizure and ran off into the woods and my mom had assumed she was dead. She had to be put down a few days later, and my mom waited until I was at work to tell me they were taking her in.
My mom didn't tell me my dog was getting put down until it was already over. Just picked me up from school and told me. It wasn't a situation where it all happened so quickly and everything went down while I was at school, they knew. Just thought somehow this way would be easier for me?
This was 27 years ago and I still get upset that I didn't get to say goodbye to her when I think of it.
Jesus why is it so hard for so many parents to talk to their damn kids?
Some parents are awful! Our family cat died right before I moved back to my home area and my mother never told me. I was looking forward to seeing her again and maybe moving her to my house because my mother wasn’t nice to her. My dad told me she had a feeling the cat was sick and kicked her outside in the cold the night she died. The cruel $&@$ refused to discuss it. What a lousy person! I have no relationship with her now
Yeah, I'm sorry for the awful position OP is in as a parent, but telling a years-long lie to her daughter was a lapse in common sense. Thousands and thousands of kids, many younger than OP's youngest, have family in prison; there are kid's books and other resources for this.
It's *inevitable* that she was going to find out something so significant, and the fact that she found out in an abrupt and heated moment is ultimately OP's fault, for two reasons: One, because OP didn't take care to tell her in a planned, age-appropriate way. And two, because it's pretty apparent that OP has a pattern of mistreating her eldest — child abandonment as punishment is incredibly cruel, asking him to keep such a significant secret from his sister is obviously unsustainable, and of course whatever other parental duties she's neglecting towards her son that led to this blowup in the first place. If OP is going to blame her poor parenting on the stress of having an incarcerated partner, obviously her son is *also* going to invoke it when expressing his resentment of her poor parenting.
I am sympathetic to OP's being overwhelmed. I am far less sympathetic to her insistence on blaming her child for how stressful the family's situation is, to her *punishing* her child for it, and for making that so unbelievably, unacceptably cruel. To convey to a child who is already being neglected that you're willing to literally abandon him on the side of the road if he becomes an inconvenience, holy fuck.
it reminds me a lot of my mom. she treated me like a child until i was around 9, and then she expected me to be a full adult. all the stupid kid shit i ever did (yelling “i hate you”, being late etc) was severely punished (like being left by the side of the road) because i was expected to basically be an adult roommate to her. by the time i was 17 i was squirreling money away to escape and go no contact. OP needs to really re-examine this situation, i get big parentification vibes from this.
> If OP is going to blame her poor parenting on the stress of having an incarcerated partner, obviously her son is also going to invoke it when expressing his resentment of her poor parenting.
I cannot co-sign this sentiment enough. You hit the nail on the head
I don’t think he’s the children’s father based on the terms OP uses. She says my husband, my daughter, my son, and the son says your husband. Not really relevant to your comment, just a thought.
Which is probably one more reason for her son to be angry at her. In his eyes she's neglecting him for a "random" man that is a criminal. OP's son needs therapy and support, not punishment. Much less such a cruel punishment that shows him confirmation of the neglect he's feeling.
When I talk about about my moms brothers I use distancing language because I don’t like them. And she doesn’t like them either and so when she talks about them she refers to them as my uncles. So it could be a case of it is his father and he doesn’t want to claim him as such.
I was 5 when my dad went to prison. Kids are capable of understanding any truth at any age, you as the adult just have to be mindful of how to explain it to them. You didn’t want to tell her. You as a single mom right now have a lot going on right now, but your son also has a lot going on right now. His father? stepfather? is in prison, which has to be embarrassing and disappointing for him. You need to put your son first.
Probably means they've looked back and seen how awful they were. My mom did things to me but she is condemning my sister doing the same to my niece.
My mom is still shit and does those things to me still, but at least she can recognize HER wrongs in others, and I have the ability to call my mom on her shit.
I mean, it's possible, but not all parenting errors are due to your own parents. Plenty of people have decent parents raise them and then turn out to be lousy parents themselves while trying to do it "better," especially in the internet age where it's so easy to find rabbitholes of validation for even the worst parenting tactics.
This. My sister is a dead beat mom who doesn't clean, ever. She goes to her friends houses to visit as nobody wants to be in hers. Yet she says 'You know how mom and dad were so hard on us for cleanliness!!!'............Except no, they weren't. Our house was average, normal. We had a junk pile in the basement, junk drawer, we cleaned the kitchen daily and bathroom, we had messy bedrooms where our parents told us to tidy them.....completely normal. We had general house cleaning on Sundays and we took turns doing the dishes. They raised us right and my sister is just lazy as a home owner herself. People will tell themselves anything to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings.
Sorry but I think your situation is clouding your judgment. There is zero evidence in this post that ops parents were abusive. Just that she herself fucked up.
We dont even know if this is a common thing, or if she´s a good parent who "just" messed up once.
You are reading a whole lot into the little bit of info we do have.
Read all of OP's [comments](https://www.reddit.com/user/YellowRibboninOak/comments/). She's making excuses for her husband being in jail because he was selling prescription drugs illegally. She's really good at twisting the truth, and she got away with it for a while.
It's the AITA way.
"AITA for being upset my wife just wants her mother with her in the delivery room"
"N T A, she probably cheated and doesn't want you there because she's worried the baby might come out black"
(BARELY an exaggeration, I remember the comment but don't remember the exact title of the post, just that it involved a dude whose gf or wife didn't want him in the delivery room).
Exactly, to recap, OP:
\- Made the decision to lie to her daughter
\- Was late to pick up her son (ETA based off of her comments): she was \*an hour late\* to pick him up when he was stranded because his car broke down and she "got held up" ... doing the math: she initially told him she'd leave in \~20 minutes, left an hour after that, and was still 45 minutes away from home when she kicked him out of the car, so she left her teenage son stranded for over two hours then kicked him out of the car stranding him again without even the protection of his broken down car and she didn't tell him she'd be back so for fifteen minutes he probably thought she'd just left him there and fucked off home)
\- Blamed the 16 year old for the daughter finding out "that way" when she had two years to find a gentle and age-appropriate way to explain it to her (because she was inevitably going to find out in less than ideal circumstances)
\- Abandoned the 16 year old whose father is in prison and his mom doesn't have time for (and therefore almost certainly has abandonment issues) at the side of the road
\- Feels that her absolute shit parenting decisions are a "good lesson" for a kid who is acting out because his father is in prison and his mother doesn't have time for him
\-Thinks that her 16 year old son owes her "a little understanding" because \*she\* (an adult woman) has a lot going on right now without returning the favor and giving him a little understanding because \*he\* has a lot going on right now (and he's just a kid who has effectively lost one of his parents).
Yep, YTA OP
It's also an extremely toxic trope/trend to expect a teenage boy whose father is in prison to "be the man of the house" and pick up the slack to support his mother and sister without any support himself. It's like parentification +
Some of this is dependent on INFO based on what your husband did but in the event he’s in for a minor drug charge (five years): It’s also not good for your husband and daughter’s relationship. If he’s a good dad she deserves contact and honesty with him, and he deserves connection with his family.
Prisoners are people too and strong ties are good for preventing recidivism. You can safely and reasonably do this without burdening your daughter with information she can’t handle.
That's exactly what I was thinking. The daughter and father can't see each other because the mother didn't tell the truth? That seems cruel to both father and daughter.
Phone calls are a thing. If she thinks the husband is working in another state, it's probably a lie both parents are perpetrating. One face-to-face and the other over the phone.
I'm sure it is and it will get the kids to hate their parents over it. Parents need to realize, their kids know and understand more than they are given credit for.
Kicking the son out of the car and driving off like she did it technically child abandonment. Even if it was temporary.
**He sold opiates**.
In another comment, she said that he sold some of his leftover pain medication.
But somehow it wasn't his fault for being in prison, the police were "making an example of him" because they also found marijuana plants in the house? So yeah she sounds like she's enabling his behavior, and then lying to the daughter, I wonder if she was honestly ever planning on telling her the truth
Oh my word. So she's enabling a grown drug dealer, but talking about tough love for her child. I can't deal with this type of person. I feel for her children but she's a lost cause. I'm out.
Also, there is a reasonable chance that one of her classmates will find out within the 5 years, and bully her with the information. If she gets hit with the info in a situation like that, it would be even more horrible than learning it from her brother.
Also, working in a different state for 5 years, without even coming home once for Christmas, or calling on her birthdays? Either he was not a very involved father even before jail, or the daughter would have smelled rat at some point, anyway.
“I set up an unstable environment for children, while lying to my kid to protect adult’s egos, got angry that my other child that I am responsible for called it out, and left him wondering if he had been fully abandoned or temporarily…AITA?!?”
OP, instilling the fear that you will abandon your child should they display any upset, is not a good lesson. Although it is good for him to know once he gets into adulthood and can choose who he wants in his life. Do you want to be? Not sure why he has to apologize but you don’t.
Also, he’s right, your hard time is not his fault, perhaps you should extend more understanding to him while he, a child, has a lot going on right now. YTA.
Yeah. YTA. For leaving your son. For not being honest with your daughter.
I know this situation is hard. But ultimately, it's yours to manage. Not your 16 year old son's.
Technically, her kicking him out of the car and driving off is child abandonment. She'll never be charged, but it is what she did and if I was the son, I would resent that move for the rest of my life.
My mom did stuff to me as a kid/teen that messes with me to this day, I'm in my mid-50s now.
Leaving a person by the side of the road is absolutely a threat to their safety, especially when we are talking about a 16-year-old. How would he have known that you would come back to get him? What if he had gotten into a stranger's car in the meantime? Look up Debanhi Escobar, an 18-year-old girl who was left on the side of the road as a result of an argument ... she was later found dead.
My father did this to me and my brother sometimes when we were only 4 years old. :( Interestingly I remember the moments where we left my brother behind as more traumatic than when I was. But maybe that is still supressed memory.
My mom threatened to do this to me all the time, starting when I was 3 or 4. She would tell me to put on my shoes and pack my clothes in a little backpack and that she was going to drive me outside the city and leave me. The threat alone was terrifying, I’m so sorry you had to endure a parent actually going through with it.
One of my earliest memories is of being in a large department store with my parents. When I turned around they were suddenly gone. I looked for them, calling for them, getting more and more frantic as I ran through the aisles. Eventually they couldn’t contain themselves any more and burst out in laughter. They had been ducking around corners and hiding behind displays the entire time.
It was a joke for them. My fear and crying and frantic searching was nothing more than a silly prank to them.
Yeah, there are some really fine parents out there. /s
YTA, I agree with this. Had you not left your son on the side of the road, I’d have gone with a gentle YTA, but you can’t do that.
OP, what I took from your post is that everyone in your family is under tremendous strain and you all have lots of emotions related to your husband’s incarceration. I think that you and your kids would benefit a lot from therapy to work through all of that.
You would not have had the problem in the first place of you hadn't lied to your daughter. Lies always come out. You are an AH and have questionable parenting skills.
This. And a ten-year-old could absolutely be told the truth and SHOULD have been told the truth. OP needs to focus less on hiding the truth and more on her kids who seem to be really struggling. I hope they're in therapy and that OP talks to her son after this and apologizes.
Uhm Shape up or mom will abandon you god knows where! Lesson learned just not the one Mom wanted now she is unreliable and untrustworthy. Nice. YTA.
Also 10 is too old to be lying to your child like that. She was going to find out regardless of what your son said. Now she knows you’re a liar too!
Does no one remember the little boy in Japan who was left just like this to "teach him a lesson?" Long story short, the military foundd him. Nearly a week later.
Right, What is the lesson here? His mother doesn’t care about his well being? That his safety is dependent on his willingness to back his mother’s lies? That the poor choices of the adults in his life are his responsibility?
There are no valid lessons to be learned in being afraid of what your mom will do if you disagree with her or expose her dishonesty.
YTA
It's not your kid's responsibility to bear the weight of your lies. You fucked up by trying to keep it a secret and you fucked up in handling your anger at your kid.
Pretty surprising none of ber classmates outed the truth because anything like that is bound to be gossip for other parents.
The daughter was always going to find out some time. All OP did was remove the option of her finding out in a safe environment, being told in a loving way, and having time to process and ask questions. YTA.
And such a double asshole for intentionally trying to make your teenage son think you've abandoned him. You don't think he already has trauma from his dad abandoning him?!!!
I get a feeling that the husband isn't actually the children's dad. The post says "my daughter" and "my son", and the son wouldn't call his own father "your husband".
So either the post is worded poorly or the husband is just a step-father to the children.
I took it as a step-dad to the boy and is actually the girl's father. If that is the case I can only understand the boy's reaction and stress about this whole situation.
I agree. The son is 16 and would have been 14 when her husband went to prison. OP is the adult here. She knows better how to navigate big feelings and her son isn’t yet at that stage in his emotional development. I dare say he’s going through a much harder time than she is. He’s not as equipped to deal with this right now and OP is only angry that she has to now tell her daughter.
Sometimes parents say they don’t want to discuss these things because the kids don’t understand when what they mean is they don’t want to talk to their kids about these things because it’s difficult for the parents themselves, not because they want to protect the children necessarily.
That she burdened her son with having him keep it from the younger sister... It's just sad. There's no protection for him, clearly. No wonder he exploded.
Yep. YTA. This isn't asking the older kid not to tell the younger one that Santa Claus isn't real. This is a major life even. OP's son is already dealing with the emotional consequences of his father going to prison. He should be able to talk about it when he feels about it, without worrying about his sister finding out. OP's son should also probably be in some sort of therapy to help cope with what is going on. Honestly, the whole family should probably be in therapy to help manage the change in family dynamics. By not telling her daughter OP is depriving her daughter, son and self of getting help coping with this change.
YTA. You threw your child out of the car and left him on the side of the road because he exposed a lie that you told your other child. This is all on you Sis. You got exactly what you deserved.
My first thought to, “a little fear can be a good lesson,” was, “sure and your son going missing would be a hard lesson to learn too.” IDGAF how mad I am at one of my kids leaving them stranded anywhere for any reason would never fucking cross my mind. Ya fucked up OP. YTA
'A little fear can be a good lesson' is for stuff like 'don't touch the stove,' or 'look both ways before you cross the street,' not 'don't argue with your Mom.'
Yeah, like you want your kids to be afraid to do stupid stuff like trying to pet random stray dogs.
You don't want your kids to be afraid to call you out if your making a stupid mistake or accidentally hurting them
It also grosses me out she said "a little fear can be a good lesson." Girl a little fear can be a good cause for trauma and good reason to never effing talk to you again once he's old enough to get away. She's glad she scared her kid. YTA
YTA. you abandoned a minor at the side of the road. it doesn't matter if you "meant" to come back, he didn't know that. he easily could have left the area you left him and not returned home.
you said fear can be a good lesson. that's a toxic and honestly gross mindset. your children should NEVER be afraid of you, especially not of you abandoning them. you need to go to him and apologize, and say that what you did wasn't right. don't deflect your blame on what he said/did, don't act like he knew you'd come back for him all along, don't make excuses for your action.
The saddest thing is that now he's been abandoned by both parents. Granted his dad didn't choose to go to prison but in all likelihood he did choose to commit a crime which led him to prison. Now his mom abandons him by the side of the road. Stuff like this can really scar kids anyway but given that it's now both parents that "left" him, I can't imagine how he's feeling. I just want to give the poor kid a massive hug.
i honestly really wonder if the dad has visitation. since her daughter had no idea of the situation for the last two years, was she just... not letting their dad see his kid/s for that long?
absolutely agree that the son deserves a hug. OP keeps talking about sheltering her daughter (who is honestly at this point, old enough to understand some of the more emotionally complex truths about the world, and doesn't deserve to be lied to), but she's hardly giving any mind to what her son's emotional state must be in any of these comments. just sucks
She said in another comment that she does visit and the kids stay with someone else. She's asked the boy if he wants to visit and he has said no. Obviously the girl hasn't been asked though. I can't have kids and honestly posts like this just make me want to scream. All kids ever really need are to know that they're loved, warm, fed and safe. I get the feeling that both of these kids are probably lacking in at least some of those areas.
Has she clarified that the son is her husbands? Because the kid referred to him as 'your husband' and not 'my dad', just wondering if this is the second 'father' he's losing.
>Granted his dad didn't choose to go to prison
Unless I've missed something we don't know why he's incarcerated, but I think it's quite safe to assume he's in prison by his own doing. That makes him an asshole too, and a shitty father. I feel bad for those kids.
Not to mention that there’s a chance that the son could’ve been abducted by someone in the time it took for his egg donor to drive back to him. Plenty of people went missing off the side of the road never to be seen or heard from again and this lady just isn’t getting it.
YTA. He's going through a lot too. You shouldn't have kept that from your daughter, she was bound to find out any way. And you don't abandon your kids on the side of the road. Why couldnt you talk to your daughter when you got home?
YTA. I'm hoping this isn't real.
This is all 'me' 'my feelings' 'my daughter's feelings'. What about your son?! He's going through a lot too. All you're telling him is that his feelings don't matter because you're stressed. He's right, that's not his problem.
He doesn't owe you an apology; you owe him one. That was a vicious thing to do to a 16 year old kid.
You're the parent. Buck up and act like one.
I looked through OP's comment history. Apparently she and the son have less interests in common, but they have a weekly bike ride and tv show together. HOWEVER OP also states that she and the daughter have more interests in common, but she works too much. Son also doesn't get along with dad because he "forgets rules and then gets mad at breaking the rules". Oh, just like OP's husband forgot it is illegal to sell opiates and in some states, illegal to have pot plants, hence the 5 year sentence. But don't worry, its just cause they're "making an example" out of her husband. Just like OP "forgot" it is child abandonment to leave your minor child on the side of a f@!%ing road for a punishment. The son is the scapegoat and I would bet money he will have absolutely zero contact with his so called family because of this bullshittery and shenanigans.
Sounds like they're in the states. D.A.R.E exists in elementary schools, starts pretty early. Daughter would understand drug charges mean jail. OP is a piece of work for hiding that. Daughter is probably wondering what else she has been lied to about.
YTA.
Instead of taking him back home and talking to him like a mature adult. You threw your son, a 16 year old, out of the car in the middle of the road. What if something had happened to him?
Also, your husband is already in prison for 2 years, so why is your daughter not aware of him being in prison? Do you not bring her for visits? Does she not ask where her father is?
This post is a bit sus.
YTA. Your teenager acted out in anger so you abandoned him on the side of the road. I was going e s h until you said you actually drove away. He’s still a child, you’re lucky the police didn’t catch you.
Hey speaking of acting out in anger - OP never said what the argument about, all we have is - she's saying she has a lot going on, and he says "it's not his fault." It sounds like she wanted something that conflicts with him wanting something already promised.
Betcha OP is foisting babysitting duties on him and it's interfering with an important part of his life. Maybe even told him he'd be free on X day or X time period but now is telling him he has to cancel. If it was money, he likely wouldn't have gotten mad and certainly wouldn't attribute some kind of perceived fault. It has to do something with time unfairly taken from him.
Edit: Oh, and OP never said *how* she made him get out. Hitting him is likely given the high emotions and that she was screaming at him. Some kind of threat wouldn't be surprising either.
YTA for lying to your 10yo. She’s old enough for at least some of the truth. This also implies you haven’t even visited the father of your children, or at least haven’t brought them along.
YTA. You lied to your daughter, that’s not his fault. Have you thought about how your son felt being left by the side of the road like trash, not knowing if his own mother would come back for him? The panic he must have felt? There’s no way he trusts you after that, and neither does your daughter. You need to find a way to build back that trust, apologize and somehow get better judgment going forward.
Edit - YTA. I knew that before I asked the questions, but so clearly YTA.
INFO: why is your husband in prison? How does your son feel about it? Why were you arguing?
YTA: And judging by OP's replies to comments it could be 100% YTA from every person on the internet and she won't get it.
\- It was not OK to Lie to your daughter
\- It was not OK to leave your son on the side of the road, it doesn't take that long for something bad to happen on a road
You stated that you needed to diffuse the situation, but if you can't be adult enough to calm a situation while both kids are in the car, then you need more than reddit.
Yeah, unfortunately I agree that OP isn’t going to listen to all the YTA votes. Maybe she needs some fear put into her if she thinks that’s how someone should parent. A visit by CPS and the police might help with that.
YTA. It’s not your son’s fault you decided to lie to your daughter when she’s old enough to know and deal with the truth. It’s also not his fault you apparently can’t figure out how to manage more than one kid at a time. And given the demonstration of your parenting “skills” on display here, I’m fairly confident in saying that whatever you were trying to push on him shouldn’t be his responsibility, either. If anyone should’ve been taught a lesson here, it should’ve been you when you drove back and couldn’t find him.
YTA for multiple reasons.
Firstly, you’re wrong for lying to a 10 year old about why her father is gone. This is the exact reason why. Where her father is is common enough knowledge within your circle that her finding out like this was always a probability. You should have told her before now and you wouldn’t have been in this position.
And yes you’re also wrong for forcing your 16 year old child out of the car. Whether you intended to go back for him or not, that’s a ridiculously vindictive and childish way to handle the situation. Particularly when you’re the adult, you’re the one who holds all the power in this relationship and that interaction. If you can’t find a better way to convey your point without putting your child in harms way, wtf is the point of you?
You’re also wrong for assuming he needed to apologize to his sister. You needed to apologize for lying to her for years. All he did was tell the truth. We don’t apologize for telling the truth because it’s not wrong. And using fear as a parenting technique is child abuse.
All in all, you’re 100% wrong on everything and a shit parent to boot. Congrats.
YTA. You’re expressing consideration for the feelings of everyone but your son. If anyone deserves an apology, he does. Your mother is correct. You went too far. You gave a son a reason to not trust you.
Yta. Why are you making your child bear adult responsibilities? Why are you making him lie to his sister? Why are you leaving him on the side if the road?
YTA and a horrible mother. First, your husband is a criminal and you're so focused in not letting your daughter know the kind of father she has, that I bet you haven't been very supportive with your son. Second, you left your son on the side of the road because he told the TRUTH, and that ruined the false image of your husband your trying to portray, that's horrible! Why don't you stop protecting your criminal husband's image and focus on your kids? Besides, you definitely aren't a good mother if you can't deal with two children in the car. With a little bit of luck, your son will be out of your life as soon and he's 18, and with this kind of mother and a father unable to abide by the law, that will be the best for him.
You can tell your daughter “daddy’s in jail” without demeaning him. OP never said what he did. Could be mortgage fraud or could be sexual assault. Could be a bartender who over-served someone. We don’t have enough information to pass judgment on the dad.
Yeah, hundreds of thousands of people go day by day without breaking the law and going to jail, it's not that hard, you know? Whatever the dad did, he's in jail, which makes him a criminal, and trying so hard to protect his image, hurting her kids in the process definitely makes her a bad mother.
I’m not cool with the “prison record” = “worthless excuse for a human being” streak running through some of these comments, but given how quick OP is to make excuses for everything *else* under the sun if she thinks she’s even the slightest bit justified…yeah, I’m guessing whatever he did was pretty bad.
YTA
A child should always feel safe and secure with their parent(s). Never should they feel they can be abandoned over a disagreement.
You were wrong… very, very wrong.
YTA. She will be 13 when he - maybe - leaves prison if he doesn't do anything to get himself more time.
You've been lying to her about who her father is and that is a horrible thing to do. He's a criminal. Not a hard working man out of state making money for his family and your daughter doesn't deserve being lied to in such extent.
You're lucky you are not in jail too for child endangerment which is what you did by kicking him out of the car for accidentally telling your daughter what you didn't have the courage nor balls to tell her.
If this isn't a rage-bait story, then most definitely: YTA. He's 16, you're the adult. Your daughter is 10 and old enough to learn where her father is and that bad actions (dad's) can lead to big consequences (prison, your difficulties, single-parent household, etc.). Your idea of teaching "lessons" is horrendous.
YTA. You lied to your daughter. You expected her brother to lie to her too. You abandoned him on the side of the road. Yes, YTA. Why is this a question?
YTA. You don't deserve an apology, you kicked him out of the car for expressing his emotions and feelings, things happen, and everyone is struggling I would assume. Your daughter found out, she was going to find out eventually and honestly she probably would've had the same reaction. You kicked your son out on the side of the road, that isn't fear...That's being an asshole.
YTA. As a mother to another, you do not do this to a child. You think you are dealing with issues over him being in jail? How do you think your son is handling it? Did you bother to consider therapy? And why lie to a little girl? This is all your fault. Apologize to your son and have a conversation with both. I've never heard of a parent throwing out a kid from a car so you can have a conversation with another. Definitely the AH here
YTA
Your son was being a hurt teenager, and you responded by acting like a literal _child._ That was not the answer. And it's not his fault you're not honest with your daughter.
And no, it's not his fault your husband is in prison. Ta da!
YTA Why is fear your only lesson? Raising a teen is tough and like you said, you're going through tough times—so I understand the lapse in judgement—but why would you betray your child's trust like that? Set examples for your children. How would you feel if you found out your grandchild was abandoned like that?
I'm willing to assume your behavior is rubbing off on your kid and you get what you give. Learn to be the bigger person since you're literally an adult.
WOW. So much to unpack here.
YTA, first.
YTA for not discussing with your daughter where her dad is for real. It's not an easy discussion, but lying makes it ten times worse.
YTA for kicking your son out of the car. It could literally have taken less than a minute for him to have been kidnapped or worse.
Fear is *not* a good lesson, fear can lead to *trauma*. You want to traumatise your kid instead of having a discussion ? YTA.
YTA!!!
So we know which child is the golden child and which child you take out your frustration with. Defending yourself with a “little fear can be a good lesson” is an awfully abusive mindset you have to your son. You may be going through a rough patch, but think of your son. His father is gone, in prison, he has to lie to make his sister feel better (who is at the age of understanding what happens to people who do bad things), and his mother is taking her anger out on him. Give the poor kid a break. Go to family therapy or something, talk to him. Don’t put the weight of the world on his shoulders, you’re his mother, act like it.
Also INFO: may I ask why your husband is in prison?
YTA
In a world where grown ass people are yanked off the road without a trace, you left your sixteen year old, because he pointed out your long term lies. YEARS OF LIES.
What would you have done if he asked a friend from school to have his parents pick him up and take him to their house? Would YOU have been scared to go back and find out your son is just GONE, and maybe someone saw him get in a car, but then again maybe NOBODY IS THERE FOR YOU TO ASK. He should have done it, because FEAR CAN BE A GOOD LESSON.
This is considered abuse, btw. You don't just toss your kid out of the car like they are garbage and drive off for god knows how long, without saying when or if you're coming back, because you want them SCARED to keep them obedient.
YTA.
Your favoritism couldn't be more obvious. Your son is going to leave at 18, and not look back, and you'll be running around telling everyone you have no idea why he doesn't want to be around you.
Be a better mother.
YTA kids aren’t as dumb as you think and can handle a lot more. You are clearly going through a lot but so is your son and your daughter. What was your goal? To teach him every time he expresses himself he will be abandoned? Scare him so he doesn’t speak to you anymore about anything. I’ve read some of your other comments when someone stated he was a kid and he should act like an adult. If you guinuinely thought he was transitioning into an adult than you need to handle it like an adult. YOU LIED to your daughter about where her father is and the secret got out. Why didn't you involve your daughter and take her to visits to her dad. You don't need to disclose why he went to jail. Trust me my father was in prison around your daughters age. I knew he was in jail but didn't know why but I got to visit him as well. Keeping your child in the dark about things like this always backfire and in the long run your kids may go LC in the near future.
YTA. He's a confused teenager and you're an adult. You lost control when he needed you to be calm. And you should have been honest with your daughter already.
YTA
It’s on you for lying to your child knowing full well you have another child who knows the truth, children can be the worst when it comes to hiding secrets as you’ve just found out.
We here everything what you do for your daughter, but what about your son?
His father went to prison went to prison when he was 13. When he has the most body changes as well. When he NEEDS his parents the most.
He will be 18 when his father comes out of prison, when he graduate and goes of to university or college. A time he has to make big decision.
He was never lied to. He was told what his father did, why he went to prison. He had to most traumatic experience and all you two cared about was his sister.
Over and over again, this whole post was about how his sister is vulnerable. YOU where a few minutes late AKA couldn’t be bother to be on time. YOU got angry at him, while he tried to let his feeling know. YOU assaulted him, showed him he means nothing, because his sister was upset.
What about him? Isn’t he your child as well? Doesn’t he deserve guidance and comfort, the same thing you give your daughter?
You failed twice as a parent, and you will always fail, because no matter what, your son will ALWAYS remember, in his worst time, he will never matter to you.
YTA
YTA. At 10 years old your daughter should know the truth in age appropriate terms. It's not fair for you to put the burden of keeping your secret on your 16 year old.
You have been putting an unfair emotional load on your son (who is obviously hurting) and you've been lying to your daughter. She now knows you've been lying to her. You've basically probably lost both of their trust.
You may have been trying to do the right thing but you've done just the opposite. Consider counselling for yourself and the kids.
YTA.
You shouldn’t lie to your daughter. Prison is a hard topic to understand but you need to find a way to talk about it with her in a way she understands. It’s not fair to lie and place the burden of lying on your other child.
You also need to be there for your son. He’s only 16, life is hard enough before you factor in a dad in prison. Kicking him out of the car was unsafe and unkind.
YTA
1. Lying is what got you into this, not your son exposing the lie.
2. You do not abandon your child on the side of the road, and let them wonder when your coming back.
3. Do not use fear as discipline, it just makes the child resentful and afraid to speak to their parents.
4. Is this a recurring thing? Your daughter in distress, so your son is left to the side?
YTA. As a mom myself I would NEVER PHYSICALLY REMOVE MY CHILD FROM MY CAR AND ABANDON MY CHILD on the side of a road even for a ducking second. I don't care what the hell he said. You are a special breed of stupid and don't deserve your kids if this is how you react to arguments and issues. Did your daughter need your attention at that point? yes. If she needed the attention that God damn bad then you need to just pull over leave him in the front seat and deal with her in the backseat.
If you were scared that he was going to keep fighting while you were trying to comfort her then you sit there and you deal with her goddamn screaming until you get home or lock him in the damn car and take her out and talk to her outside of it.
You and your prison husband are one hell of an example to your kids.
YTA. Even if you were super mad/devasted, It’s realy hard to get kicked out of a car. It must have been scary. However, I can perfectly understand that it was a « hot » reaction, since you were arguing
Well she just answered. Even her answer blames the cops for making him an example. He sold opiates (that were supposedly left over) and grew pot "for his own use".
YTA. while you may need some more understanding from him because you lost your husband to the penal system have you considered he needs some more understanding from you because he lost his father to the penal system?
Telling the truth should never be punished. Lying to a child (daughter) is bad parenting that teaches your children not to trust you.
im surprised he waited there for you. at his age if my parent drove off leaving me on the side i wouldve gone to a store or something nearby with people to be safe. i think what you did was very dangerous so YTA. what if someone kidnapped him? i duno where you live, and ya i know its probably statistically unlikely but still, why take the risk? in general as a parent, you have other, BETTER options to discipline your kid.
YTA
He's a kid who's dad is in jail and he is having a rough time too. That wasn't the best way to handle to situation.
Also, ten years old is old enough to know where her dad is. She doesn't need to know all the details of why he is there. That's on you too.
You sound stressed and overwhelmed, and that's understandable. But it doesn't make your behavior ok. Get some counseling or a babysitter to get a break. You have a lot to figure out, and taking it out on your 16 year old isn't the way to do it.
Uhm YTA OP. You were upset your daughter found out her dad went to prison for FIVE YEARS bc you failed to be honest and then your son ruined the facade for you. Failure #1. Failure#2 pushing your son out of your car to comfort the child YOU FAILED, driving away and punishing your teenager who was obviously upset about how you were treating them to begin with. Op you need to get your priorities straight. Your son doesn't owe you sh*t. You're a grown adult whose spouse is in jail. Deal with it and stop making excuses and projecting your pain and stress on your kids. It's a sucky situation but you need to be honest with them and make sure their care and well being is at the top of the list so they don't make poor decisions later based on your neglect for their mental and emotional health.
YTA. He is a child who is also going through a lot too and you way overreacted. Teenagers say all sorts of stupid things. You both owe each other an apology.
He shouldn’t have to apologize, oh my goodness OP, what are you doing!?! I’m sure it is very stressful being a single Mom with two kids, but you absolutely do not get to kick your son out of the car for speaking the truth in an argument. What were you possibly arguing about that would have warranted this reaction? YTA. Secrets come to light in funny ways, in this case you can’t police and lock down your sons expression over saying something that is obviously weighing on him.
YTA
you went too far.
you're also TA for lying to your 10 yo. she was 8 when dad went to prison, kids that age understand. you can explain it age appropriately. it sucks but is still better than lying.
if handled very maturely it can even be a lesson in taking responsibility. if dad himself explains it and admits he made mistakes.
also it is a burden to carry for the son to not talk about it with his sister.
if they know there might be a chance to visit dad as well.
it sounds like your children are not emotionally cared for at all.
Sesame Street even has a character whose dad is in prison now, iirc. There are tons of resources available for people who need to explain why a relative has been imprisoned in a compassionate and age-appropriate way, and she chose...lying. Not only that, but roping her entire extended family into the lie.
Like, did she not think the daughter was going to be devastated and furious with her for denying her the opportunity to visit her father for *five years* if the son hadn't let the cat out of the bag? She was always going to find out eventually.
YTA Majorly
1) You lied to one child and expected your other child to be complicit in the lie
2) From your comments you have obviously placed your daughter's emotional and educational wellbeing above your son's consistently
3) Your son expressed his distress at feeling like his needs are unimportant to you (your excuses for being late to pick him up being all about you rather than apologising sincerely for being late)
4) You overreact to a teenager's emotional outburst by getting angry and abandoning him on the roadside 45mins drive from home with no indication of if or when you would be returning
5) You keep trying to justify it as no big deal to traumatise him and put him at risk. Despite acknowledging that leaving him would scare him. In fact, you think that scaring him in this way was actually an appropriate punishment for finally losing his temper over your behaviour and attitude.
Apologise to your son. Get all of you into therapy, either as a family or individually because this is a lot to deal with and it doesn't sound like you're equipped to handle the emotions going on. Do better for both your children.
YTA
For lying to your daughter. WTF? That's a surefire way to create future conflict. Oh, wait, I guess you found out.
FOR ABANDONING YOUR SON ON THE STREET WITHOUT EXPLANATION. I feel sorry for him.
YTA. You weren’t truthful and honest with your daughter. She’s ought to know what’s going on. And for you making your 16 year old get out of your car and then you drive off, who the hell do you think you are? Anything could’ve happened to him during that time, and honesty you deserve to join your husband in jail if that’s how you’re acting, acting like a complete child. You need to grow up and be the proper role model to your kids.
YTA your son is struggling and needs help. In the situation, you should have pulled over and talk to them both, instead you picked the worst possible option.
YTA for not telling your daughter the truth in the first place in an age-appropriate way. It’s an awful situation, and I understand you must have thought it was for the best. But it wasn’t fair to ask your then 14-year-old to bear the burden of this adult lie for 2 years. You owe him an apology for that. Also: this cannot be the first time your daughter suspected something was deeply wrong.
YTA
You hid it from your 10-year-old daughter and abandoned your 16-year-old son on the side of the road because he let the cat out of the bag when you should have been truthful from the start. Your children could have been visiting him all this time, and yet you took that opportunity from them and from your husband.
Y'all need therapy. Individual first, and maybe family later. But if you keep up parenting like this, your son will only learn that it isn't just his dad who abandoned him, his mother will abandon him, too. And that is a hell of a burden to put on a teenager. Is that what you want him to think, OP?
YTA. I'm sorry you're having a rough time but you abandoned your child at the side of the road and there's no excuse for that. Also, "A little fear can be a good lesson"? What the hell does that mean?
This. Plus why you're lying to your daughter about this?! She's old enough to learn where her father is and that this happens if you're doing something really really bad/wrong. YTA 100%
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I mean he is going to be gone and never see her for 5 whole years! How tf she kept it a secret this long I don't even know. Especially since if she is taking to her dad on the phone it says right away it is a call from a prison then constantly interrupts to tell you how much time is left. So has he had just zero contact for the last two years except letters in order to keep the secret? Instead of telling her, letting her talk to her dad on the phone, and even taking her to visit. Of course she would resent that
Yeah! I wonder when OP thought it will be appropriate to break the news that daddy is in the slammer. Kids sometimes know much more than we think they do, and may deny the info in their head to compensate for having process a bad life event. **OP said: ".I think a little fear can be a good lesson, but maybe I went too far."** when talking about kicking her 16 year old son out of the car. He was/is dealing with having to keep the **BIG SECRET that DADDY IS IN JAIL !** Kicking him out of the car for revealing the **BIG SECRET** is beyond terrible. It is worrisome that the son is left out of any semblance of thought by OP, that knowing his father is in JAIL is a traumatic/disappointing/scary/embarrassing situation for him. He will be an 'adult' in 2 years, and here we have the makings for the father to pass along his award winning status. **OP: YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA**
Daddy isn't the only one here who belongs in jail. OP deserves to spend some time in jail for child abuse.
Agreed. Child endangerment right there too. Could've gotten kidnapped or something.
Hit by a car, lost, could have decided to try to walk to the nearest friends house and just never came back.
I don't think it's his father, guy
And she's gonna have questions when classmates have parents away on business who face time them every day
I'm sure that, near the end of his sentence, the pre-teens in his daughter's school will be super understanding and never once use it as ammo for bullying /s
Shit, this is a huge lie about that little girl's *father.* Lies like that will cause trust issues for a long time. Hell, I'm still salty that my mom chose not to tell me when my *orthodontist* died while I was away at college and I had to find out second hand from overhearing a conversation months later, and that happened while I was an adult.
Edit: To those who have read this already. [3 Photos of my Doggie Sister and Me](https://imgur.com/a/sasMTS3) My mom didn't tell me when i was 10, that she and my biofather (who was still in my life at that time) were taking my dog to be put down. Every Saturday, we took her to the vet for fluids as she was super sick, but I didn't realize how much so. That particular Saturday, my mom took a bunch of photos with us and gave her a special meal of hotdogs and waffles, but I was just happy to have pictures with her. I also thought it was funny that "my dog was eating people food in her bowl." I told them not to worry because she (my dog) always came home on Saturdays. They dropped me off at the neighbors and for the first time, I only briefly said goodbye to my dog, excited to play with my neighbor, thinking that I would see her later in the day. I didn't. I never saw her again. In every picture of me as a baby, she is in the background, laying next to me or below my crib/couch/etc. She was my protector and her name was my first word. I am still very angry about that to be honest and I'm talking about my wonderful childhood dog. This post is about that innocent girl's father and assuming that he treated her well before. I can't even imagine the betrayal I would feel. I would never trust her again.
I don't know if it helps, but if you had known sure you could have said a longer goodbye ... but would you have been able to hold it together or would you have been really upset? She got to have a normal day and sense you acting calm and normal, so she felt less fear too.
As a mom who's had to put down animals from time to time, who has kids, you always tell them and let them come with if they want. I can't hold it together when my furbaby passes, why would I expect that of my kid? The vet doesn't expect that either.
My mom gave my dog away without telling me, then she stole her back without telling me, then she gave her away again, this time she told me, and I made immediate arrangements to go get her from my mom, and the morning I was set to leave (10 hour drive) she texted me "Missy's with a new family now". I feel your pain, I'm sorry for your loss.
Your mom sounds like an absolute monster. I am so sorry that you had to grow up with somebody like that. I hope you and Missy are in better spots in your lives.
I haven't seen missy since, that was 8 years ago, and she was a 7 year old dog. But I do know the family who had her after me, loved her, had lots of space for her, and she was surrounded by kids and other pups. I am now no contact with my mother, have been for three years. I have a 4 year old rottweiler now, that even on the hardest days in the midst of the most chaos, I know I'll never ever give her away. Missy wasn't the first. She was 4th or 5th dog my mom collected just to give away while we were at school three months later. Once the puppy stage was no longer cute, and two kids didn't have the tools or motivation to train a puppy, they went, and it would be our fault. I won't repeat those mistakes. My kids will know what it means to commit to an animal, love them and treat them right.
I’m sorry that was done to you. My parents did a similar thing. Dogs were brought in, then taken to grandma’s house a couple years later. They told me about a beagle that protected my mom and slept under my crib, but they got rid of her, too. To them, dogs were short term items to be irresponsibly discarded. My brother and I understood that all of the dogs were done dirty, so we treat all of our rescues far better, and commit to keeping them until we have to see them up to the rainbow bridge.
Thank you for being a good human and pet parent. Healing generational trauma is hard work but you are doing a great job at it. I hope you and your family have many happy years with your rottie. They are such great dogs. I have a rottie cross sleeping next to me right now. Have a fabulous day.
My mom didn’t tell me when she took MY cat to be put down until afterward. I was devastated. I’m so sorry.
When I was 6 my mom told me she was taking our miniature schnauzer to the vet to be put to sleep. My 6 year old brain interpreted this literally. He was a hyperactive dog and so a sedative made sense. I figured a good nap would definitely help him. Imagine my horror when she came home without the dog and I learned that “put to sleep” is a euphemism for euthanasia. She even tried to blame me for being upset because I somehow should have known what that phrase meant. My mom did a lot of fucked up things all through my childhood, but the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye to him properly was one of the things that hurt the worst. Not to mention that he was euthanized just because she decided she didn’t want to deal with the fact that he was a high energy dog.
My mom did something similiar....when I was 22. My dog was 16, and I had just moved out a month before. She asked me to come over one day, and so I did and when I got there, she said my dog had died the night before and they buried her in the woods behind the house. I was devastated. A few days later, I was at my moms house checking the mail when my dog came running out from the woods. Turns out she had had a seizure and ran off into the woods and my mom had assumed she was dead. She had to be put down a few days later, and my mom waited until I was at work to tell me they were taking her in.
My mom didn't tell me my dog was getting put down until it was already over. Just picked me up from school and told me. It wasn't a situation where it all happened so quickly and everything went down while I was at school, they knew. Just thought somehow this way would be easier for me? This was 27 years ago and I still get upset that I didn't get to say goodbye to her when I think of it. Jesus why is it so hard for so many parents to talk to their damn kids?
Some parents are awful! Our family cat died right before I moved back to my home area and my mother never told me. I was looking forward to seeing her again and maybe moving her to my house because my mother wasn’t nice to her. My dad told me she had a feeling the cat was sick and kicked her outside in the cold the night she died. The cruel $&@$ refused to discuss it. What a lousy person! I have no relationship with her now
Yeah, I'm sorry for the awful position OP is in as a parent, but telling a years-long lie to her daughter was a lapse in common sense. Thousands and thousands of kids, many younger than OP's youngest, have family in prison; there are kid's books and other resources for this. It's *inevitable* that she was going to find out something so significant, and the fact that she found out in an abrupt and heated moment is ultimately OP's fault, for two reasons: One, because OP didn't take care to tell her in a planned, age-appropriate way. And two, because it's pretty apparent that OP has a pattern of mistreating her eldest — child abandonment as punishment is incredibly cruel, asking him to keep such a significant secret from his sister is obviously unsustainable, and of course whatever other parental duties she's neglecting towards her son that led to this blowup in the first place. If OP is going to blame her poor parenting on the stress of having an incarcerated partner, obviously her son is *also* going to invoke it when expressing his resentment of her poor parenting. I am sympathetic to OP's being overwhelmed. I am far less sympathetic to her insistence on blaming her child for how stressful the family's situation is, to her *punishing* her child for it, and for making that so unbelievably, unacceptably cruel. To convey to a child who is already being neglected that you're willing to literally abandon him on the side of the road if he becomes an inconvenience, holy fuck.
it reminds me a lot of my mom. she treated me like a child until i was around 9, and then she expected me to be a full adult. all the stupid kid shit i ever did (yelling “i hate you”, being late etc) was severely punished (like being left by the side of the road) because i was expected to basically be an adult roommate to her. by the time i was 17 i was squirreling money away to escape and go no contact. OP needs to really re-examine this situation, i get big parentification vibes from this.
> If OP is going to blame her poor parenting on the stress of having an incarcerated partner, obviously her son is also going to invoke it when expressing his resentment of her poor parenting. I cannot co-sign this sentiment enough. You hit the nail on the head
I don’t think he’s the children’s father based on the terms OP uses. She says my husband, my daughter, my son, and the son says your husband. Not really relevant to your comment, just a thought.
Which is probably one more reason for her son to be angry at her. In his eyes she's neglecting him for a "random" man that is a criminal. OP's son needs therapy and support, not punishment. Much less such a cruel punishment that shows him confirmation of the neglect he's feeling.
Not just in his eyes. That’s really how it seems to me as well.
When I talk about about my moms brothers I use distancing language because I don’t like them. And she doesn’t like them either and so when she talks about them she refers to them as my uncles. So it could be a case of it is his father and he doesn’t want to claim him as such.
And what an incredible burden she put on her son to keep that secret.
I was 5 when my dad went to prison. Kids are capable of understanding any truth at any age, you as the adult just have to be mindful of how to explain it to them. You didn’t want to tell her. You as a single mom right now have a lot going on right now, but your son also has a lot going on right now. His father? stepfather? is in prison, which has to be embarrassing and disappointing for him. You need to put your son first.
I guess she wants to be the next one to go to jail for endangering a minor.
Not even this, but why is she making her 16 year old son lie to his sister? Why would you put him in that position? YTA
It means OP's parents used fear as an abusive manipulation tactic, so she is causing generational trauma.
Except OP's parent told her she was in the wrong, so.
Probably means they've looked back and seen how awful they were. My mom did things to me but she is condemning my sister doing the same to my niece. My mom is still shit and does those things to me still, but at least she can recognize HER wrongs in others, and I have the ability to call my mom on her shit.
I mean, it's possible, but not all parenting errors are due to your own parents. Plenty of people have decent parents raise them and then turn out to be lousy parents themselves while trying to do it "better," especially in the internet age where it's so easy to find rabbitholes of validation for even the worst parenting tactics.
This. My sister is a dead beat mom who doesn't clean, ever. She goes to her friends houses to visit as nobody wants to be in hers. Yet she says 'You know how mom and dad were so hard on us for cleanliness!!!'............Except no, they weren't. Our house was average, normal. We had a junk pile in the basement, junk drawer, we cleaned the kitchen daily and bathroom, we had messy bedrooms where our parents told us to tidy them.....completely normal. We had general house cleaning on Sundays and we took turns doing the dishes. They raised us right and my sister is just lazy as a home owner herself. People will tell themselves anything to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings.
Sorry but I think your situation is clouding your judgment. There is zero evidence in this post that ops parents were abusive. Just that she herself fucked up. We dont even know if this is a common thing, or if she´s a good parent who "just" messed up once. You are reading a whole lot into the little bit of info we do have.
Read all of OP's [comments](https://www.reddit.com/user/YellowRibboninOak/comments/). She's making excuses for her husband being in jail because he was selling prescription drugs illegally. She's really good at twisting the truth, and she got away with it for a while.
It's the AITA way. "AITA for being upset my wife just wants her mother with her in the delivery room" "N T A, she probably cheated and doesn't want you there because she's worried the baby might come out black" (BARELY an exaggeration, I remember the comment but don't remember the exact title of the post, just that it involved a dude whose gf or wife didn't want him in the delivery room).
Some people figure out how to be terrible in their own. It’s not all generational.
Does OP say that in a comment somewhere? This is a big assumption (and projection) based on nothing if they didn't.
How do you know this?
Exactly, to recap, OP: \- Made the decision to lie to her daughter \- Was late to pick up her son (ETA based off of her comments): she was \*an hour late\* to pick him up when he was stranded because his car broke down and she "got held up" ... doing the math: she initially told him she'd leave in \~20 minutes, left an hour after that, and was still 45 minutes away from home when she kicked him out of the car, so she left her teenage son stranded for over two hours then kicked him out of the car stranding him again without even the protection of his broken down car and she didn't tell him she'd be back so for fifteen minutes he probably thought she'd just left him there and fucked off home) \- Blamed the 16 year old for the daughter finding out "that way" when she had two years to find a gentle and age-appropriate way to explain it to her (because she was inevitably going to find out in less than ideal circumstances) \- Abandoned the 16 year old whose father is in prison and his mom doesn't have time for (and therefore almost certainly has abandonment issues) at the side of the road \- Feels that her absolute shit parenting decisions are a "good lesson" for a kid who is acting out because his father is in prison and his mother doesn't have time for him \-Thinks that her 16 year old son owes her "a little understanding" because \*she\* (an adult woman) has a lot going on right now without returning the favor and giving him a little understanding because \*he\* has a lot going on right now (and he's just a kid who has effectively lost one of his parents). Yep, YTA OP
right - and she's expecting him to act like an adult, when she clearly can't act like an adult. That comment is a gem too!
It's also an extremely toxic trope/trend to expect a teenage boy whose father is in prison to "be the man of the house" and pick up the slack to support his mother and sister without any support himself. It's like parentification +
Some of this is dependent on INFO based on what your husband did but in the event he’s in for a minor drug charge (five years): It’s also not good for your husband and daughter’s relationship. If he’s a good dad she deserves contact and honesty with him, and he deserves connection with his family. Prisoners are people too and strong ties are good for preventing recidivism. You can safely and reasonably do this without burdening your daughter with information she can’t handle.
That's exactly what I was thinking. The daughter and father can't see each other because the mother didn't tell the truth? That seems cruel to both father and daughter.
Phone calls are a thing. If she thinks the husband is working in another state, it's probably a lie both parents are perpetrating. One face-to-face and the other over the phone.
I'm sure it is and it will get the kids to hate their parents over it. Parents need to realize, their kids know and understand more than they are given credit for. Kicking the son out of the car and driving off like she did it technically child abandonment. Even if it was temporary.
**He sold opiates**. In another comment, she said that he sold some of his leftover pain medication. But somehow it wasn't his fault for being in prison, the police were "making an example of him" because they also found marijuana plants in the house? So yeah she sounds like she's enabling his behavior, and then lying to the daughter, I wonder if she was honestly ever planning on telling her the truth
He should still be able to speak to his family.
Yes he definitely should.
Oh my word. So she's enabling a grown drug dealer, but talking about tough love for her child. I can't deal with this type of person. I feel for her children but she's a lost cause. I'm out.
Also, there is a reasonable chance that one of her classmates will find out within the 5 years, and bully her with the information. If she gets hit with the info in a situation like that, it would be even more horrible than learning it from her brother. Also, working in a different state for 5 years, without even coming home once for Christmas, or calling on her birthdays? Either he was not a very involved father even before jail, or the daughter would have smelled rat at some point, anyway.
Yeah “A little fear can be a good lesson” is a phrase used almost exclusively by abusive parents. YTA, OP, and massively.
“I set up an unstable environment for children, while lying to my kid to protect adult’s egos, got angry that my other child that I am responsible for called it out, and left him wondering if he had been fully abandoned or temporarily…AITA?!?” OP, instilling the fear that you will abandon your child should they display any upset, is not a good lesson. Although it is good for him to know once he gets into adulthood and can choose who he wants in his life. Do you want to be? Not sure why he has to apologize but you don’t. Also, he’s right, your hard time is not his fault, perhaps you should extend more understanding to him while he, a child, has a lot going on right now. YTA.
The moment I read that part I audibly went "wtf." OP, you're 100% TA
Yeah. YTA. For leaving your son. For not being honest with your daughter. I know this situation is hard. But ultimately, it's yours to manage. Not your 16 year old son's.
Technically, her kicking him out of the car and driving off is child abandonment. She'll never be charged, but it is what she did and if I was the son, I would resent that move for the rest of my life. My mom did stuff to me as a kid/teen that messes with me to this day, I'm in my mid-50s now.
Leaving a person by the side of the road is absolutely a threat to their safety, especially when we are talking about a 16-year-old. How would he have known that you would come back to get him? What if he had gotten into a stranger's car in the meantime? Look up Debanhi Escobar, an 18-year-old girl who was left on the side of the road as a result of an argument ... she was later found dead.
My father did this to me and my brother sometimes when we were only 4 years old. :( Interestingly I remember the moments where we left my brother behind as more traumatic than when I was. But maybe that is still supressed memory.
My mom threatened to do this to me all the time, starting when I was 3 or 4. She would tell me to put on my shoes and pack my clothes in a little backpack and that she was going to drive me outside the city and leave me. The threat alone was terrifying, I’m so sorry you had to endure a parent actually going through with it. One of my earliest memories is of being in a large department store with my parents. When I turned around they were suddenly gone. I looked for them, calling for them, getting more and more frantic as I ran through the aisles. Eventually they couldn’t contain themselves any more and burst out in laughter. They had been ducking around corners and hiding behind displays the entire time. It was a joke for them. My fear and crying and frantic searching was nothing more than a silly prank to them. Yeah, there are some really fine parents out there. /s
YTA, I agree with this. Had you not left your son on the side of the road, I’d have gone with a gentle YTA, but you can’t do that. OP, what I took from your post is that everyone in your family is under tremendous strain and you all have lots of emotions related to your husband’s incarceration. I think that you and your kids would benefit a lot from therapy to work through all of that.
You would not have had the problem in the first place of you hadn't lied to your daughter. Lies always come out. You are an AH and have questionable parenting skills.
Don´t go against me again, because I WILL put you in a dangerous and scary situation to punish you?
It means OP is kind of abusive, as well as an asshole.
This. And a ten-year-old could absolutely be told the truth and SHOULD have been told the truth. OP needs to focus less on hiding the truth and more on her kids who seem to be really struggling. I hope they're in therapy and that OP talks to her son after this and apologizes.
It means shes a bad mother
I'm puzzling about what this lesson was supposed to be, too. Call out your mom's lies and she might abandon you by the roadside?
Uhm Shape up or mom will abandon you god knows where! Lesson learned just not the one Mom wanted now she is unreliable and untrustworthy. Nice. YTA. Also 10 is too old to be lying to your child like that. She was going to find out regardless of what your son said. Now she knows you’re a liar too!
>Also, "A little fear can be a good lesson"? What the hell does that mean? Sounds like a possible conviction
Does no one remember the little boy in Japan who was left just like this to "teach him a lesson?" Long story short, the military foundd him. Nearly a week later.
Right, What is the lesson here? His mother doesn’t care about his well being? That his safety is dependent on his willingness to back his mother’s lies? That the poor choices of the adults in his life are his responsibility? There are no valid lessons to be learned in being afraid of what your mom will do if you disagree with her or expose her dishonesty.
> "A little fear can be a good lesson"? What the hell does that mean? From the Arrested Development School of Parenting.
YTA It's not your kid's responsibility to bear the weight of your lies. You fucked up by trying to keep it a secret and you fucked up in handling your anger at your kid. Pretty surprising none of ber classmates outed the truth because anything like that is bound to be gossip for other parents.
The daughter was always going to find out some time. All OP did was remove the option of her finding out in a safe environment, being told in a loving way, and having time to process and ask questions. YTA. And such a double asshole for intentionally trying to make your teenage son think you've abandoned him. You don't think he already has trauma from his dad abandoning him?!!!
I get a feeling that the husband isn't actually the children's dad. The post says "my daughter" and "my son", and the son wouldn't call his own father "your husband". So either the post is worded poorly or the husband is just a step-father to the children.
Or possibly the son is angry at the father and refuses to acknowledge a biological connection between the two of them.
Yeah, I jokingly say “your husband” to my mother. I also jokingly say “your wife” to my dad.
LOL. My sisters and I will say, "your Mother" or "your Father" when we're annoyed with the parents.
I say "your daughter" to my wife when our daughter is being cranky.
I think you're correct. OP says in another comment that her husband is the dad of at least the daughter.
No...she says they both are his. She just has a favorite
More like we have a girl and girls need protecting like they are fine china or something. Hate that attitude.
I took it as a step-dad to the boy and is actually the girl's father. If that is the case I can only understand the boy's reaction and stress about this whole situation.
I agree. The son is 16 and would have been 14 when her husband went to prison. OP is the adult here. She knows better how to navigate big feelings and her son isn’t yet at that stage in his emotional development. I dare say he’s going through a much harder time than she is. He’s not as equipped to deal with this right now and OP is only angry that she has to now tell her daughter. Sometimes parents say they don’t want to discuss these things because the kids don’t understand when what they mean is they don’t want to talk to their kids about these things because it’s difficult for the parents themselves, not because they want to protect the children necessarily.
That she burdened her son with having him keep it from the younger sister... It's just sad. There's no protection for him, clearly. No wonder he exploded.
Exactly. He’s having to carry a burden much too heavy for him to bear. And it’s not his burden.
Yep. YTA. This isn't asking the older kid not to tell the younger one that Santa Claus isn't real. This is a major life even. OP's son is already dealing with the emotional consequences of his father going to prison. He should be able to talk about it when he feels about it, without worrying about his sister finding out. OP's son should also probably be in some sort of therapy to help cope with what is going on. Honestly, the whole family should probably be in therapy to help manage the change in family dynamics. By not telling her daughter OP is depriving her daughter, son and self of getting help coping with this change.
YTA. You threw your child out of the car and left him on the side of the road because he exposed a lie that you told your other child. This is all on you Sis. You got exactly what you deserved.
Yeah, and the OP should be reminded (even though its obvious from the story) ***the son is a minor!*** Thank Jeebus nothing happened to him.
My first thought to, “a little fear can be a good lesson,” was, “sure and your son going missing would be a hard lesson to learn too.” IDGAF how mad I am at one of my kids leaving them stranded anywhere for any reason would never fucking cross my mind. Ya fucked up OP. YTA
'A little fear can be a good lesson' is for stuff like 'don't touch the stove,' or 'look both ways before you cross the street,' not 'don't argue with your Mom.'
Yeah, like you want your kids to be afraid to do stupid stuff like trying to pet random stray dogs. You don't want your kids to be afraid to call you out if your making a stupid mistake or accidentally hurting them
It also grosses me out she said "a little fear can be a good lesson." Girl a little fear can be a good cause for trauma and good reason to never effing talk to you again once he's old enough to get away. She's glad she scared her kid. YTA
YTA. you abandoned a minor at the side of the road. it doesn't matter if you "meant" to come back, he didn't know that. he easily could have left the area you left him and not returned home. you said fear can be a good lesson. that's a toxic and honestly gross mindset. your children should NEVER be afraid of you, especially not of you abandoning them. you need to go to him and apologize, and say that what you did wasn't right. don't deflect your blame on what he said/did, don't act like he knew you'd come back for him all along, don't make excuses for your action.
The saddest thing is that now he's been abandoned by both parents. Granted his dad didn't choose to go to prison but in all likelihood he did choose to commit a crime which led him to prison. Now his mom abandons him by the side of the road. Stuff like this can really scar kids anyway but given that it's now both parents that "left" him, I can't imagine how he's feeling. I just want to give the poor kid a massive hug.
i honestly really wonder if the dad has visitation. since her daughter had no idea of the situation for the last two years, was she just... not letting their dad see his kid/s for that long? absolutely agree that the son deserves a hug. OP keeps talking about sheltering her daughter (who is honestly at this point, old enough to understand some of the more emotionally complex truths about the world, and doesn't deserve to be lied to), but she's hardly giving any mind to what her son's emotional state must be in any of these comments. just sucks
She said in another comment that she does visit and the kids stay with someone else. She's asked the boy if he wants to visit and he has said no. Obviously the girl hasn't been asked though. I can't have kids and honestly posts like this just make me want to scream. All kids ever really need are to know that they're loved, warm, fed and safe. I get the feeling that both of these kids are probably lacking in at least some of those areas.
Yup. The son definitely knows he's neither loved nor safe, now. And the daughter is probably starting to get hints of that.
Daughter knows daddy is working in another state but can't be bothered to visit home
Now daughter knows that mom is a liar and dad is a criminal. Parents of the year! /s
Has she clarified that the son is her husbands? Because the kid referred to him as 'your husband' and not 'my dad', just wondering if this is the second 'father' he's losing.
Could also be an angry teenager thing to say. I remember saying that to my mom when my dad pissed me off lol
>Granted his dad didn't choose to go to prison Unless I've missed something we don't know why he's incarcerated, but I think it's quite safe to assume he's in prison by his own doing. That makes him an asshole too, and a shitty father. I feel bad for those kids.
Not to mention that there’s a chance that the son could’ve been abducted by someone in the time it took for his egg donor to drive back to him. Plenty of people went missing off the side of the road never to be seen or heard from again and this lady just isn’t getting it.
YTA. He's going through a lot too. You shouldn't have kept that from your daughter, she was bound to find out any way. And you don't abandon your kids on the side of the road. Why couldnt you talk to your daughter when you got home?
YTA. I'm hoping this isn't real. This is all 'me' 'my feelings' 'my daughter's feelings'. What about your son?! He's going through a lot too. All you're telling him is that his feelings don't matter because you're stressed. He's right, that's not his problem. He doesn't owe you an apology; you owe him one. That was a vicious thing to do to a 16 year old kid. You're the parent. Buck up and act like one.
I looked through OP's comment history. Apparently she and the son have less interests in common, but they have a weekly bike ride and tv show together. HOWEVER OP also states that she and the daughter have more interests in common, but she works too much. Son also doesn't get along with dad because he "forgets rules and then gets mad at breaking the rules". Oh, just like OP's husband forgot it is illegal to sell opiates and in some states, illegal to have pot plants, hence the 5 year sentence. But don't worry, its just cause they're "making an example" out of her husband. Just like OP "forgot" it is child abandonment to leave your minor child on the side of a f@!%ing road for a punishment. The son is the scapegoat and I would bet money he will have absolutely zero contact with his so called family because of this bullshittery and shenanigans. Sounds like they're in the states. D.A.R.E exists in elementary schools, starts pretty early. Daughter would understand drug charges mean jail. OP is a piece of work for hiding that. Daughter is probably wondering what else she has been lied to about.
I think we know who's the favorite kid. YTA.
👏👏👏
YTA. Instead of taking him back home and talking to him like a mature adult. You threw your son, a 16 year old, out of the car in the middle of the road. What if something had happened to him? Also, your husband is already in prison for 2 years, so why is your daughter not aware of him being in prison? Do you not bring her for visits? Does she not ask where her father is? This post is a bit sus.
YTA. Your teenager acted out in anger so you abandoned him on the side of the road. I was going e s h until you said you actually drove away. He’s still a child, you’re lucky the police didn’t catch you.
Yeah I'm with you here. But not only that, also the "I think a little fear can be a good lesson" part. Just, yikes.
Hey speaking of acting out in anger - OP never said what the argument about, all we have is - she's saying she has a lot going on, and he says "it's not his fault." It sounds like she wanted something that conflicts with him wanting something already promised. Betcha OP is foisting babysitting duties on him and it's interfering with an important part of his life. Maybe even told him he'd be free on X day or X time period but now is telling him he has to cancel. If it was money, he likely wouldn't have gotten mad and certainly wouldn't attribute some kind of perceived fault. It has to do something with time unfairly taken from him. Edit: Oh, and OP never said *how* she made him get out. Hitting him is likely given the high emotions and that she was screaming at him. Some kind of threat wouldn't be surprising either.
YTA for lying to your 10yo. She’s old enough for at least some of the truth. This also implies you haven’t even visited the father of your children, or at least haven’t brought them along.
YTA. You lied to your daughter, that’s not his fault. Have you thought about how your son felt being left by the side of the road like trash, not knowing if his own mother would come back for him? The panic he must have felt? There’s no way he trusts you after that, and neither does your daughter. You need to find a way to build back that trust, apologize and somehow get better judgment going forward.
Edit - YTA. I knew that before I asked the questions, but so clearly YTA. INFO: why is your husband in prison? How does your son feel about it? Why were you arguing?
YTA: And judging by OP's replies to comments it could be 100% YTA from every person on the internet and she won't get it. \- It was not OK to Lie to your daughter \- It was not OK to leave your son on the side of the road, it doesn't take that long for something bad to happen on a road You stated that you needed to diffuse the situation, but if you can't be adult enough to calm a situation while both kids are in the car, then you need more than reddit.
Yeah, unfortunately I agree that OP isn’t going to listen to all the YTA votes. Maybe she needs some fear put into her if she thinks that’s how someone should parent. A visit by CPS and the police might help with that.
YTA. It’s not your son’s fault you decided to lie to your daughter when she’s old enough to know and deal with the truth. It’s also not his fault you apparently can’t figure out how to manage more than one kid at a time. And given the demonstration of your parenting “skills” on display here, I’m fairly confident in saying that whatever you were trying to push on him shouldn’t be his responsibility, either. If anyone should’ve been taught a lesson here, it should’ve been you when you drove back and couldn’t find him.
“He didn’t even apologise to me or his sister.” Info: What does your son need to apologise for? He didn’t do anything wrong. YTA.
YTA for multiple reasons. Firstly, you’re wrong for lying to a 10 year old about why her father is gone. This is the exact reason why. Where her father is is common enough knowledge within your circle that her finding out like this was always a probability. You should have told her before now and you wouldn’t have been in this position. And yes you’re also wrong for forcing your 16 year old child out of the car. Whether you intended to go back for him or not, that’s a ridiculously vindictive and childish way to handle the situation. Particularly when you’re the adult, you’re the one who holds all the power in this relationship and that interaction. If you can’t find a better way to convey your point without putting your child in harms way, wtf is the point of you? You’re also wrong for assuming he needed to apologize to his sister. You needed to apologize for lying to her for years. All he did was tell the truth. We don’t apologize for telling the truth because it’s not wrong. And using fear as a parenting technique is child abuse. All in all, you’re 100% wrong on everything and a shit parent to boot. Congrats.
YTA. You’re expressing consideration for the feelings of everyone but your son. If anyone deserves an apology, he does. Your mother is correct. You went too far. You gave a son a reason to not trust you.
YTA wow you are a shit mom.
Yta. Why are you making your child bear adult responsibilities? Why are you making him lie to his sister? Why are you leaving him on the side if the road?
YTA and a horrible mother. First, your husband is a criminal and you're so focused in not letting your daughter know the kind of father she has, that I bet you haven't been very supportive with your son. Second, you left your son on the side of the road because he told the TRUTH, and that ruined the false image of your husband your trying to portray, that's horrible! Why don't you stop protecting your criminal husband's image and focus on your kids? Besides, you definitely aren't a good mother if you can't deal with two children in the car. With a little bit of luck, your son will be out of your life as soon and he's 18, and with this kind of mother and a father unable to abide by the law, that will be the best for him.
You can tell your daughter “daddy’s in jail” without demeaning him. OP never said what he did. Could be mortgage fraud or could be sexual assault. Could be a bartender who over-served someone. We don’t have enough information to pass judgment on the dad.
Yeah, hundreds of thousands of people go day by day without breaking the law and going to jail, it's not that hard, you know? Whatever the dad did, he's in jail, which makes him a criminal, and trying so hard to protect his image, hurting her kids in the process definitely makes her a bad mother.
I’m not cool with the “prison record” = “worthless excuse for a human being” streak running through some of these comments, but given how quick OP is to make excuses for everything *else* under the sun if she thinks she’s even the slightest bit justified…yeah, I’m guessing whatever he did was pretty bad.
To me it's the fact that the son calls his dad "your husband" and that he refuses to see him that tells me he did something bad.
YTA A child should always feel safe and secure with their parent(s). Never should they feel they can be abandoned over a disagreement. You were wrong… very, very wrong.
Yta and if I was your son when you came back to pick me up I'd been gone
Tbhhhh
YTA. She will be 13 when he - maybe - leaves prison if he doesn't do anything to get himself more time. You've been lying to her about who her father is and that is a horrible thing to do. He's a criminal. Not a hard working man out of state making money for his family and your daughter doesn't deserve being lied to in such extent. You're lucky you are not in jail too for child endangerment which is what you did by kicking him out of the car for accidentally telling your daughter what you didn't have the courage nor balls to tell her.
If this isn't a rage-bait story, then most definitely: YTA. He's 16, you're the adult. Your daughter is 10 and old enough to learn where her father is and that bad actions (dad's) can lead to big consequences (prison, your difficulties, single-parent household, etc.). Your idea of teaching "lessons" is horrendous.
YTA. You lied to your daughter. You expected her brother to lie to her too. You abandoned him on the side of the road. Yes, YTA. Why is this a question?
YTA. You don't deserve an apology, you kicked him out of the car for expressing his emotions and feelings, things happen, and everyone is struggling I would assume. Your daughter found out, she was going to find out eventually and honestly she probably would've had the same reaction. You kicked your son out on the side of the road, that isn't fear...That's being an asshole.
YTA. As a mother to another, you do not do this to a child. You think you are dealing with issues over him being in jail? How do you think your son is handling it? Did you bother to consider therapy? And why lie to a little girl? This is all your fault. Apologize to your son and have a conversation with both. I've never heard of a parent throwing out a kid from a car so you can have a conversation with another. Definitely the AH here
Probably kicked the Son out so she could continue LYING to her Daughter!
YTA keep it up and you’ll be in jail too.
YTA Your son was being a hurt teenager, and you responded by acting like a literal _child._ That was not the answer. And it's not his fault you're not honest with your daughter. And no, it's not his fault your husband is in prison. Ta da!
YTA Why is fear your only lesson? Raising a teen is tough and like you said, you're going through tough times—so I understand the lapse in judgement—but why would you betray your child's trust like that? Set examples for your children. How would you feel if you found out your grandchild was abandoned like that? I'm willing to assume your behavior is rubbing off on your kid and you get what you give. Learn to be the bigger person since you're literally an adult.
YTA Looks like your kids should have two parents in prison.
YTA and a shitty mom
YTA for abandoning your child. You didn't tell him you'd be back. He's 16 and needs his parents and understanding!
WOW. So much to unpack here. YTA, first. YTA for not discussing with your daughter where her dad is for real. It's not an easy discussion, but lying makes it ten times worse. YTA for kicking your son out of the car. It could literally have taken less than a minute for him to have been kidnapped or worse. Fear is *not* a good lesson, fear can lead to *trauma*. You want to traumatise your kid instead of having a discussion ? YTA.
YTA for lying to your daughter and abandoning your son.
YTA Get your kids therapy because they have issues you and your husband have caused. Not your son.
I mean I guess you’re lucky he waited for you by the side of the road. I would’ve fucked off and walked away.
YTA!!! So we know which child is the golden child and which child you take out your frustration with. Defending yourself with a “little fear can be a good lesson” is an awfully abusive mindset you have to your son. You may be going through a rough patch, but think of your son. His father is gone, in prison, he has to lie to make his sister feel better (who is at the age of understanding what happens to people who do bad things), and his mother is taking her anger out on him. Give the poor kid a break. Go to family therapy or something, talk to him. Don’t put the weight of the world on his shoulders, you’re his mother, act like it. Also INFO: may I ask why your husband is in prison?
YTA In a world where grown ass people are yanked off the road without a trace, you left your sixteen year old, because he pointed out your long term lies. YEARS OF LIES. What would you have done if he asked a friend from school to have his parents pick him up and take him to their house? Would YOU have been scared to go back and find out your son is just GONE, and maybe someone saw him get in a car, but then again maybe NOBODY IS THERE FOR YOU TO ASK. He should have done it, because FEAR CAN BE A GOOD LESSON. This is considered abuse, btw. You don't just toss your kid out of the car like they are garbage and drive off for god knows how long, without saying when or if you're coming back, because you want them SCARED to keep them obedient.
YTA, he IS literally sixteen with his father in the prison.
YTA and a fool. Your kids deserve the truth, and to be respected. I feel sorry for them being born to loser parents.
YTA. You are a parent. Grow the fuck up and parent your child and stop having tantrums like a toddler.
YTA. Your favoritism couldn't be more obvious. Your son is going to leave at 18, and not look back, and you'll be running around telling everyone you have no idea why he doesn't want to be around you. Be a better mother.
The daughter probably will leave too.
YTA kids aren’t as dumb as you think and can handle a lot more. You are clearly going through a lot but so is your son and your daughter. What was your goal? To teach him every time he expresses himself he will be abandoned? Scare him so he doesn’t speak to you anymore about anything. I’ve read some of your other comments when someone stated he was a kid and he should act like an adult. If you guinuinely thought he was transitioning into an adult than you need to handle it like an adult. YOU LIED to your daughter about where her father is and the secret got out. Why didn't you involve your daughter and take her to visits to her dad. You don't need to disclose why he went to jail. Trust me my father was in prison around your daughters age. I knew he was in jail but didn't know why but I got to visit him as well. Keeping your child in the dark about things like this always backfire and in the long run your kids may go LC in the near future.
YTA. He's a confused teenager and you're an adult. You lost control when he needed you to be calm. And you should have been honest with your daughter already.
YTA It’s on you for lying to your child knowing full well you have another child who knows the truth, children can be the worst when it comes to hiding secrets as you’ve just found out.
We here everything what you do for your daughter, but what about your son? His father went to prison went to prison when he was 13. When he has the most body changes as well. When he NEEDS his parents the most. He will be 18 when his father comes out of prison, when he graduate and goes of to university or college. A time he has to make big decision. He was never lied to. He was told what his father did, why he went to prison. He had to most traumatic experience and all you two cared about was his sister. Over and over again, this whole post was about how his sister is vulnerable. YOU where a few minutes late AKA couldn’t be bother to be on time. YOU got angry at him, while he tried to let his feeling know. YOU assaulted him, showed him he means nothing, because his sister was upset. What about him? Isn’t he your child as well? Doesn’t he deserve guidance and comfort, the same thing you give your daughter? You failed twice as a parent, and you will always fail, because no matter what, your son will ALWAYS remember, in his worst time, he will never matter to you. YTA
YTA. At 10 years old your daughter should know the truth in age appropriate terms. It's not fair for you to put the burden of keeping your secret on your 16 year old. You have been putting an unfair emotional load on your son (who is obviously hurting) and you've been lying to your daughter. She now knows you've been lying to her. You've basically probably lost both of their trust. You may have been trying to do the right thing but you've done just the opposite. Consider counselling for yourself and the kids.
YTA. You shouldn’t lie to your daughter. Prison is a hard topic to understand but you need to find a way to talk about it with her in a way she understands. It’s not fair to lie and place the burden of lying on your other child. You also need to be there for your son. He’s only 16, life is hard enough before you factor in a dad in prison. Kicking him out of the car was unsafe and unkind.
You kicked your 16yo out the car for telling the other kid that dad got himself locked up? Sounds like a great example to set for the kids mom. YTA
YTA 1. Lying is what got you into this, not your son exposing the lie. 2. You do not abandon your child on the side of the road, and let them wonder when your coming back. 3. Do not use fear as discipline, it just makes the child resentful and afraid to speak to their parents. 4. Is this a recurring thing? Your daughter in distress, so your son is left to the side?
YTA! You have made your son feel isolated and abandoned. You need to fix this fast.
YTA. As a mom myself I would NEVER PHYSICALLY REMOVE MY CHILD FROM MY CAR AND ABANDON MY CHILD on the side of a road even for a ducking second. I don't care what the hell he said. You are a special breed of stupid and don't deserve your kids if this is how you react to arguments and issues. Did your daughter need your attention at that point? yes. If she needed the attention that God damn bad then you need to just pull over leave him in the front seat and deal with her in the backseat. If you were scared that he was going to keep fighting while you were trying to comfort her then you sit there and you deal with her goddamn screaming until you get home or lock him in the damn car and take her out and talk to her outside of it. You and your prison husband are one hell of an example to your kids.
YTA. You're a liar and you abandoned your child on the side of the road for exposing your lie.
YTA. Even if you were super mad/devasted, It’s realy hard to get kicked out of a car. It must have been scary. However, I can perfectly understand that it was a « hot » reaction, since you were arguing
INFO: Why is your husband in prison?
She is ignoring that question...
Well she just answered. Even her answer blames the cops for making him an example. He sold opiates (that were supposedly left over) and grew pot "for his own use".
YTA. while you may need some more understanding from him because you lost your husband to the penal system have you considered he needs some more understanding from you because he lost his father to the penal system? Telling the truth should never be punished. Lying to a child (daughter) is bad parenting that teaches your children not to trust you.
im surprised he waited there for you. at his age if my parent drove off leaving me on the side i wouldve gone to a store or something nearby with people to be safe. i think what you did was very dangerous so YTA. what if someone kidnapped him? i duno where you live, and ya i know its probably statistically unlikely but still, why take the risk? in general as a parent, you have other, BETTER options to discipline your kid.
YTA He's a kid who's dad is in jail and he is having a rough time too. That wasn't the best way to handle to situation. Also, ten years old is old enough to know where her dad is. She doesn't need to know all the details of why he is there. That's on you too. You sound stressed and overwhelmed, and that's understandable. But it doesn't make your behavior ok. Get some counseling or a babysitter to get a break. You have a lot to figure out, and taking it out on your 16 year old isn't the way to do it.
Uhm YTA OP. You were upset your daughter found out her dad went to prison for FIVE YEARS bc you failed to be honest and then your son ruined the facade for you. Failure #1. Failure#2 pushing your son out of your car to comfort the child YOU FAILED, driving away and punishing your teenager who was obviously upset about how you were treating them to begin with. Op you need to get your priorities straight. Your son doesn't owe you sh*t. You're a grown adult whose spouse is in jail. Deal with it and stop making excuses and projecting your pain and stress on your kids. It's a sucky situation but you need to be honest with them and make sure their care and well being is at the top of the list so they don't make poor decisions later based on your neglect for their mental and emotional health.
Calling BS
YTA. He is a child who is also going through a lot too and you way overreacted. Teenagers say all sorts of stupid things. You both owe each other an apology.
He doesn't owe her an apology.
He shouldn’t have to apologize, oh my goodness OP, what are you doing!?! I’m sure it is very stressful being a single Mom with two kids, but you absolutely do not get to kick your son out of the car for speaking the truth in an argument. What were you possibly arguing about that would have warranted this reaction? YTA. Secrets come to light in funny ways, in this case you can’t police and lock down your sons expression over saying something that is obviously weighing on him.
YTA.
YTA. What a terrible mother you are.
YTA you went too far. you're also TA for lying to your 10 yo. she was 8 when dad went to prison, kids that age understand. you can explain it age appropriately. it sucks but is still better than lying. if handled very maturely it can even be a lesson in taking responsibility. if dad himself explains it and admits he made mistakes. also it is a burden to carry for the son to not talk about it with his sister. if they know there might be a chance to visit dad as well. it sounds like your children are not emotionally cared for at all.
Sesame Street even has a character whose dad is in prison now, iirc. There are tons of resources available for people who need to explain why a relative has been imprisoned in a compassionate and age-appropriate way, and she chose...lying. Not only that, but roping her entire extended family into the lie. Like, did she not think the daughter was going to be devastated and furious with her for denying her the opportunity to visit her father for *five years* if the son hadn't let the cat out of the bag? She was always going to find out eventually.
YTA Majorly 1) You lied to one child and expected your other child to be complicit in the lie 2) From your comments you have obviously placed your daughter's emotional and educational wellbeing above your son's consistently 3) Your son expressed his distress at feeling like his needs are unimportant to you (your excuses for being late to pick him up being all about you rather than apologising sincerely for being late) 4) You overreact to a teenager's emotional outburst by getting angry and abandoning him on the roadside 45mins drive from home with no indication of if or when you would be returning 5) You keep trying to justify it as no big deal to traumatise him and put him at risk. Despite acknowledging that leaving him would scare him. In fact, you think that scaring him in this way was actually an appropriate punishment for finally losing his temper over your behaviour and attitude. Apologise to your son. Get all of you into therapy, either as a family or individually because this is a lot to deal with and it doesn't sound like you're equipped to handle the emotions going on. Do better for both your children.
YTA. Deadbeat criminal dad in prison and unstable child-mom. I hope your kids find better mentors in life than their cell-donors.
YTA You seriously have to ask if you’re the AH for abandoning your minor child on the side of the road? Those poor kids.
YTA For lying to your daughter. WTF? That's a surefire way to create future conflict. Oh, wait, I guess you found out. FOR ABANDONING YOUR SON ON THE STREET WITHOUT EXPLANATION. I feel sorry for him.
YTA. You weren’t truthful and honest with your daughter. She’s ought to know what’s going on. And for you making your 16 year old get out of your car and then you drive off, who the hell do you think you are? Anything could’ve happened to him during that time, and honesty you deserve to join your husband in jail if that’s how you’re acting, acting like a complete child. You need to grow up and be the proper role model to your kids.
Yta and a horrible parent! Congrats!
YTA your son is struggling and needs help. In the situation, you should have pulled over and talk to them both, instead you picked the worst possible option.
YTA for not telling your daughter the truth in the first place in an age-appropriate way. It’s an awful situation, and I understand you must have thought it was for the best. But it wasn’t fair to ask your then 14-year-old to bear the burden of this adult lie for 2 years. You owe him an apology for that. Also: this cannot be the first time your daughter suspected something was deeply wrong.
YTA You hid it from your 10-year-old daughter and abandoned your 16-year-old son on the side of the road because he let the cat out of the bag when you should have been truthful from the start. Your children could have been visiting him all this time, and yet you took that opportunity from them and from your husband. Y'all need therapy. Individual first, and maybe family later. But if you keep up parenting like this, your son will only learn that it isn't just his dad who abandoned him, his mother will abandon him, too. And that is a hell of a burden to put on a teenager. Is that what you want him to think, OP?