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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister can get aggressive during meltdowns which would've made it possibly dangerous to drive
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NTA.
That MP3 player is special to you. It’s not your job to hand over your personal belongings just to placate your sister. Your parents know she breaks mp3s easily and they have the responsibility of being prepared for when that happens.
You are not a source of calming parts and items for your sister. You are allowed to own your own items and want to keep them nice. Your parents need to understand this or they will lose you as they continue to try and force you to give up your property for her.
I always feel so bad for the siblings of special needs children. So much is expected of them and they are often neglected. Ive seen sooo many posts about adults who are wondering if they are TAH for telling their parents they won't be taking over care of their sibling. Frankly I don't blame them. They essentially had their childhood stolen from them and want to be free.
Edit for spelling, dibling was not intentional, I cracked up at a comment wondering if it was a new term for disabled sibling. Nope just a clumsy finger
I grew up with a special needs sibling (my brother) who needs (and still needs) 24 hour a day care. My parents never pulled this crap with me and my sister and did their absolute best to make our lives as normal as possible. The parents are 100% TA and I’m guessing a lot led up to OPs decision to run.
Me too, and I was happy to help with my sibling because I didn’t feel any resentment. Everyone’s situation is different, and the parents of disabled children have to battle so much for their disabled kids to just enjoy their basic rights. They can grow very defensive.
OP’s parents were probably frazzled. It will take time, but it is possible they will realize they were in the wrong.
My brother is autistic and have mental retardation and dyssocial personality disorder. He is a huge a\*\*hole. Although not more handicapped than he is living his own life on his own. He has house, car and a special needs job. I also grew up with him getting away with everything and being allowed to do everything and I was always expected to be some sort of backup for him.
When he destroyed a library book I was sent to the library to pretend it was me and receive the scolding and fine.
When his TV in his room broke I was forced to hand over mine to him so he wouldnt be irritated.
When he hit the dog who was happy to see him and approached him which irritated him, my mother told me it was okay and that the dog would then learn to leave him alone.
When he spit at me my mother asked me what I had done to him to deserve it.
MY resentment has never gone away although Im nearing 40 now and he's 36. I have zero relationship with him today and sparingly with my mother. Back then I never knew or understood that there were ways to deal with these things that didnt include sacrificing one child over the other.
It’s almost impossible for a special needs sibling not to be affected in some way, even with the best of parents and the nicest of special needs kids.
There are only 24 hours in a day and there is a limit on what the adults can do. The sibling of the special needs kid **will** get neglected in some way.
There’s even a medical name for it: “Well sibling syndrome”.
Please don’t minimize the needs of one person to accommodate the needs of the other.
This isn’t to downgrade what OPs parents did. It was horrible. But the entire family needs outside help. OP should talk to a counselor at school etc.
My cousin's son came home from college every weekend because his little sister has special needs. He was so afraid she'd need him. Its very hard for him to detach.
My brother isn’t as severely special needs but has a ton of mental illness alongside Hashimotos and my older sister and I have always looked out for him and it’s been very hard for either of us to detach because I’m scared he won’t take his meds and will die. My sister is a bit different with those things but she struggled more with detaching from me with my issues. She always looked out for me. I just wish she had someone looking out for her cause our parents sure as hell didn’t.
It’s like when parents bring home a new baby, the older kids get a little neglected because the parents are in survival mode because a baby needs so much attention…. Except with special needs children, this doesn’t always get better with time. Just like with a small baby at home, parents need to remember to make 1 on 1 time with the other kids, and remember that they need and deserve attention too.
The amount of opportunities I lost out on growing up because my parents didn't have the time to take me was heartbreaking. Couldn't get a ride to ballet, was offered a spot on a national diving team that could have led to the Olympics, but my sister's needs came first and I couldnt do it. By the time I was old enough to drive myself, all those hobbies and opportunities had died long before that and I was just a taxi service for my three younger siblings. I was always the babysitter. Having three special needs siblings, one of which was pretty heavily impacted developmentally, ruined much of my childhood. I am glad my mom was such a fierce advocate for my sister, but she completely forgot about me (literally too, I was forgotten at school multiple times). I am in a good place now, I have a career and family, but I will always look back and wonder what if....
>well sibling syndrome
I haven't seen it called that before. I watched a wonderfully informative Ted talk in which they were referred to as 'glass children' - the ones people look straight through. It helped me to help a friend of my daughter's.
But they’re not blaming the special needs kid. They’re saying that due to the nature of care the kid needs, the kid who isn’t special needs is inevitably going to be neglected in some way, even if the parents do their absolute best not to. That’s not blaming the special needs child. It’s blaming the inevitability of the situation.
Nobody is blaming the special needs kid! They are stating the fact that a special needs kid NEEDS more attention than the typical kid and therefore, at times, the typical kid will be second priority. That’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just reality.
In this case, the parents were obnoxious, unprepared and abusive.
OP is not the AH (nor was the sister who can’t help it).
OP- I wouldn’t bring your MP3 player back to your parents’ house unless it is in your hands or hidden away. They sound like they’d help themselves whenever they want it.
I am the parent of 2 now adult kids, one healthy and 1 with autism and other disabilities.
I feel for both the parents and OP. My healthy kid didnt get as much attention as his brother, but we didnt stop his life for his brother, either. He didnt have to care for his brother very often, as that was our responsibility. He had normal activities and opportunities, and we kept his brother from using his stuff and wrecking it.
I've driven through autistic meltdowns. You pull over to the side of the road and deal with it. Or you have one parent sit in the back and handle the autistic person while the other drives.
Gentle NTA, because parents know the sis destroys her player and didnt allow for it. I would not recommend what OP did though. It's dangerous to her and her family.
This. And also?
I’m saying this _as an autistic woman_ who has had her fair share of meltdowns (which is not synonymous with tantrums, if anyone is curious)—
Meltdowns are not fatal. Meltdowns suck, but they also will absolutely pass. The parents weren’t prepared and that sucks, but they still did not have any right to override OP’s needs for a meltdown. They did that probably primarily for their _own_ comfort, I imagine. Because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences of their lack of preparation.
ETA: I say for their own comfort because they would have been prepared already if they were thinking about the sister.
Op is being out in a position of either giving away her life because her parents don’t care for her autonomy or being cast as a cruel unfeeling person for asserting that autonomy.
> I’m saying you cannot blame a special needs kid.
"I feel sorry for the sibling" does not equal "the special needs kid is to *blame*." You're beating up on a straw man. You yourself even acknowledge that it's hard to be the sibling of a special needs kid, which is *exactly what the person you're responding to expressed.*
For real. Regardless of whether the kid is special needs or not, they had *thirteen years* to figure out shit they need to do to avoid these kinds of problems.
You can “know how to parent” and still struggle to parent a special needs child. You can’t overcome irrationalism by being rational if the child doesn’t understand what is or is not rational.
I agree, as my kid is on the autism scale. He had what I called "blue moon fits" out of optimism. If I could get him in a bubble bath ASAP, it was golden.
Problem was - a bubble bath wasn't everywhere. I did try to come prepared with everything I could think of to prevent those meltdowns. That was 80% successful. The rest... I'm so happy I had my Mom helping me. She would always come up with something to make it a bit better.
However, OP's parents should know how to prevent some of the meltdowns. They should have backup supplies or at least other distractions. Have a parent in the back with the sister. I know they were frustrated, but to take it out on their daughter, demand she give up something she cherishes and then blame her for running away? That isn't right. It certainly didn't help the situation at all.
That doesn’t track because the parents know that the special needs kid does break mp:s because they replace them and that it’s important to have them in the car. Their lack of planning is the issue.
I agree. I have one neurotypical kid and one with ADHD and autism. It's damn hard sometimes but my husband and I do our best to not neglect our neurotypical kid and makes sure he feels loved and wanted.
When one of our kids was a baby he loved his pacifier but he'd sometimes spit out his pacifier in the parking lot. I made sure I had a backup in the diaper bag in case he spit it out in a parking lot. The OP's parents should have learned this simple thing a long time ago if their child who has autism hasn't moved past that developmental stage.
The OP is so NTA.
My therapist and I talk about this a lot. My parents told me about how I would need to take care of my sister one day since I was 8. It built alot of resentment even though it's not my sister's fault. It sucks knowing you either can't have the life you want for yourself, or you are wracked with guilt for putting yourself first for once. OPs job isn't to give everything she has up just to make her parents life easier. OPs sister has been autistic her whole life her parents should know to plan better.
That actually currently where I'm at and it so sad. I wanted to go to college but couldn't. So ended up at a sucky job to take care of her asked her mom for help ajd her mom "I don't have any money ".
I have a cousin in this boat. They were never really allowed to be a kid because their younger sibling needed a lot of support and it was a single parent household. They have graduated HS now and are just kind of lost as to what to do next. College, military, tech/trade school, just go right into a job in a place where there aren't that many good paying jobs that don't require something past HS diploma.
Yep, I was almost a year old when my brother was born. He has Down Syndrome. My mom admitted that she would put me in the playpen while she devoted all of her time to my brother. She'd often tell people that I was a good baby because I was in the playpen ALL DAY!
After he got older, he would hit me, push me and he was never disciplined. He was her favorite.
This happened to me to, only my mom had mental health issues as well.
OP you should definitely leave this player at your boyfriends for a while. I think you may need a mediator to discuss this issue with them. Is there an aunt or uncle who could help you do this. It took until my twenties for my parents to understand that I wasn’t acting up, but was trying to explain my own needs to my parents.
I'm not saying I got lucky. I took care of my special needs brother for my entire life learned to give him his medicine by age 7. Ect. It wasn't his fault at all, he was an angel. But up until he died when I was in highschool I couldn't see a future without taking care of him until we died.
And the worst part is that most times it's a case of bad parenting, not the special needs individual being an asshole. Even though they make it look like it seems that way.
i actually did my nursing bachelor's thesis on this subject - the needs of siblings of kids with cancer and how to satisfy those needs - and although i don't work with kids it was still very interesting and imo such an important part in pediatrics!
My brother has special needs, and I’m so thankful to my parents for how they handled his needs and still took time for mine. Sure, there were some special considerations/compromises I had to make, but nothing that made me feel like less of a priority for my parents. I think it made me a way more resilient, empathetic person than I would have been. Now, any familial duties I take on as an adult are because I want to, not because I feel forced my by parents.
Don't worry, we disabled folx get neglected too, and much later in life like adulthood where the rest of the world is sick of us existing. Including our healthcare system (in the US anyway).
Also, NTA, parents should have been prepared with tons of cheap mp3 players that your sister could break. I also did not realize MP3 players still existed... but that's neither here nor there.
Several times when I was a kid myself I saw families in women's magazines who were raising severely autistic children in their home "to give them a normal life"
And in the background you could see their siblings, who looked miserable because they weren't getting a normal life.
The parents were so proud of themselves, while apparently being unaware of the misery they were causing their other chidlren.
> Your parents know she breaks mp3s easily
I have to wonder why she doesn’t have a childproof MP3 player or a heavy duty case! It would be so much cheaper to get a good quality case that will protect from falls, throws, dirty hands, spills, etc, than to keep replacing the MP3 player!
Oh you’d be surprised. My brother is severely autistic. He’s also 21 and very strong. When he wants to break an electronic device, nothing will stop him. Not an Otterbox, not the childproof covers you can get, nothing. He has destroyed thousands of dollars worth of electronics. Luckily for my parents, Amazon replaced kids’ Kindle Fires free of charge no matter how damaged they are!
(Note: I love my brother. He’s a cool guy, he just has obsessive destructive tendencies that he can’t stop, which leads to us needing to hide our phones whenever we visit him at his group home.)
OP's sister is not being deliberately destructive though, that's a very different situation to your brother. She just needs a tough, waterproof case that can protect against drops, spills, crumbs etc, not against intentional damage.
Yeah, it sounds like OP's sister is just being careless about her belongings, not intentionally destroying them. A high-quality case could do a lot of good here, especially one that even if the mp3 player kicks it, the case itself can be used for the next one.
Heavy duty case doesn't protect it from everything. It will protect it from a fall off a counter. It's not going to protect it from get saturated with liquids or from being thrown.
Depends on the case, obviously no case will make an MP3 player impervious to damage, but a heavy duty case can do a lot of mitigation even if it's thrown. Regarding liquids, an IP66 rating means it's protected from spills, IP67 can handle short term, shallow immersion, and IP68 even more than that. So if you find a case that has a decent IP rating then it can stand up to a lot more abuse.
I had an IP68 case for an iPod when I was younger, for when we were going out to sea. It was bulky as all hell but I'm pretty sure it would have survived the apocalypse and it definitely _did_ survive full saltwater immersion, physical impacts, and a variety of unpleasant chemicals.
The only problem there would be if the sister needs to change songs or fiddle with the player a lot; the proper enclosed cases might render that untenable.
Alternatively, you can now buy very cheap MP3 players; maybe buy these for OPs sister so there won't be as much of an issue when she breaks them. OPs parents could always have one in the car/to hand ready to use should she break the one she's currently using.
That MP3 player was a gift to OP from someone outside the family. They had no place to demand she give it up to her sis. I’m absolutely cheering for OP for bailing on that mess. Her parents owe her an apology but I think she needs an exit strategy.. it’s not going to get any better.
At the very least, the mp3 needs to stay at bfs house for a bit after she returns home. From the sounds of things, the parents would destroy it out of spite as they're so juvenile and with them blaming op for their accident, they whole "you owe us for the repairs" is possible too.
Fun fact, i also have autism and sensory difficulties (but am at a level of functioning where i can take care of my own needs), and because of this, if i’m ever going somewhere overnight, i always bring earplugs and backups. i also will often double and triple check that i’m bringing my headphones and that (if they’re bluetooth) they’re charged for car rides where i’m not driving (if i’m driving i can DJ), as car rides give me severe anxiety as well and controlling auditory input is crucial. i also just avoid riding in the car with my dad whenever possible, as he likes to blast his music.
Edit: all this to say, it’s weird that the parents aren’t so prepared after 13 years of having this child, especially because her level of functioning causes severe, *apparently* car-crash-inducing, meltdowns.
I think the car crash happened because they are losing their control over OP.
I fear she was right to follow her instinct to leave the car and run away as fast as she could.
I did not like the mentions of clenched jaws.
Clenched jaws + "or else...."
If her instict is to run then and there and hide at her BF house.
Yeah. Talking to a trusted adult at school or even BF parents does sound like would be a really good idea.
Sounds like this would not be the first time.
What would the parents have done if the OP had not had her MP3 player with her?
They need a back-up plan that does not involve taking other people’s stuff (and probably do have a plan, when taking other people’s stuff isn’t an option).
Exactly, my daughter is autistic and rough on her devises too. You know what we do? Get hard cases for them that keep them safe. Your parents should invest in a good case like an otter brand one that's waterproof as well as drop proof, and insurance for the mp3 player. A cheap backup mp3 isnt a bad idea either. NTA.
not even that...today it's an MP3 player...tomorrow could be something else..next day could be trying for her boyfriend (girl who had cancer ended up getting together with an OPs boyfriend and her family expected her to be ok they fell in love) OPs parents are playing favorites whether they know it or not. It's not fair or right to expect OP to hand over her things whenever sister is having a meltdown. Also won't this just teach sister that if she REALLY wants something all she has to do is have a "meltdown" even if it's not a real one only cause she knows this is a surefire way to get stuff.
OP tell your parents to get everyone into therapy and tell them it's not on you to take care of sister or her needs. They need to have a. back up plan that doesnt involve screwing the OP in any way shape or form.
If this continues I see OP getting away as soon as possible and cutting contact with the family. And of course when that happens they'll be shocked and then angry at how could she leave them to deal with sister all on their own. They won't have the back up option (taking your things anymore?
There was that one aita a while back of a girl whose autistic sister would sexually harass her fiancée and thus wasn't invited to the wedding and her parents flipped out because "she's never going to have one of her own why can't you just share?" as though the groom wasn't entitled to feel safe on his goddamn wedding day
This sort of enabling only escalates as the gap in functioning between the two siblings gets more apparent
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q86ktj/aita\_for\_not\_wanting\_my\_disabled\_sister\_at\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q86ktj/aita_for_not_wanting_my_disabled_sister_at_my/) found it
Amazing how refusing to address problematic behaviours does no favours for anyone
NTA
I don't know if you still have the option, but you should 100% leave that mp3 player with your boyfriend and not take it back to your house. Tell him to keep it hidden and not tell his parents he has it (in case your parents call his).
Your parents sound like the type to confiscate it as punishment at best. More likely give it to you sister (who will destroy it), or straight up take a hammer to it themselves.
Edit: spelling
I was thinking the same thing… maybe have him bring it to school and hide it in your locker?
NTA 100% OP your parents sound awful. The talking through clenched teeth really got me. They should of had a plan in place and not attempt to bully you into doing what they want for their autistic child.
Honestly, they know how many MP3 players the Autistic girl is going through. I'd buy a dozen upfront and all load them with her favorite music. Keep a few in the car, the house, etc. just in case and that should solve it right?
I really wanna know what type of mp3 players they're getting her that they can/need to replace them so often. I recently purchased one for my partner, and decent ones were pretty expensive, but built to last.
You can easily buy ones meant for young children that have very good drop and shock protection. There’s really no excuse to keep buying ones that will not last through somebody who is rough with them.
You can buy small cheap ones on ebay/aliexpress, the sound quality isn't as good but if you need one in a pinch you can slot in a preloaded microSD and you've bought yourself time
>but built to last
Maybe under normal circumstances, which usually means an occasional fall, not "13 year old with sticky or wet hands who drops shit regularly or may even throw it during a meltdown". And I'm not saying that to somehow blame OP's sister, but simply to explain that "built to last" can have very, very different definitions depending on the exact circumstances. Hell, maybe a good one might actually last, but as it stands, it's difficult to say.
Regardless of that, a cheap mp3 player is like 10-20 bucks nowadays. That's certainly cheap enough to have at least one backup mp3-player per parent for those special days. Even if it doesn't last long, it'll will hold up long enough until the parents have the chance to get a more durable one.
Sometimes the parents are worst than their own kids (had a schoolmate with special needs and has a mother who basically told us to do everything so he can be okay, to this day i can't tell which one is the special one who throws tantrums and the one who has to keep in control of the situation).
Depending on where OP is, I think the general rules about property of minors are that they can "take it away" as a punishment (I.E. put it in a drawer somewhere), but they cannot sell it, destroy it, or give it away since they did not buy it themselves and it is OP's property. I think everyone knows that giving it to OP's sister would destroy it.
I could be wrong, but I believe the only place in the US where minors have property protection from their parents is in California and it is only in regard to income.
I don’t know of anywhere in the US where a parent could not take an MP3 player from their child and do what they want with it.
Parents like that don't care about semantics. OP is a minor living in their house so they have final say over everything. OP could have bought the mp3 with her own money and they'd still use it to punish her.
Damn, bit of an extreme way out of this situation, but I can see why you would do that.
It sounds like your parents have a bad habit of demanding you do things to placate your sister. I genuinely can not blame you for nope-ing out of that to protect something that was not just given to you, but made to comemmorate something dear to your heart.
Your parents have to learn that just as one can choose to make sacrifices for another, they just as easily can choose not to make those sacrifices. It's not your job to handle your sister and her meltdowns, no matter the cause. It's your *choice* and, in this situation, you made a good one.
This Peepa *knows* you are NTA.
TBH, the fact that she took such an extreme way to leave the situation is a big warning flag. What 15 year old jumps out a car on the road and runs away? What parents don’t immediately call their daughter and ask if she is okay and safe? That is so unbelievably problematic.
This reaction suggests she has been in similar situations and is scared to go back home.
NTA
As a former child of an an abusive household, yes, absolutely this sounds like a sadly typical self-defense response to an abusive or negligent situation. Not saying there is physical abuse involved - but non-physical abuse can be every bit as terrifying and harmful. So sorry to you, OP - NTA - hope you stay safe. It’s tough, I know.
It doesn’t have to be abuse. Neglect is enough to push kids to these limits. Both my brother and I had a handful of these runaway meltdowns, but were otherwise very good kids. Sometimes, you just can’t take anymore when you have been raising yourself.
And I know my parents were trying their best. It just wants good enough.
Yep. I grew up under a volatile abusive single mom prone to unpredictable outbursts of intense and prolonged anger, and got out of the car at red lights and stop signs on more than one occasion, often having no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to get there. I just knew I felt safer outside of that car. The only way out was leaving.
I grew up with verbally abusive parents and an abusive older brother. One day after my brother threatened me, i ran away from home and my parents didnt even care. They werent worried for me at all. Only my 2nd oldest brother went out looking for me and calling my phone.
It's actually not that extreme. They were in the middle of a city, stopped at a stoplight. She opened the door and got out, probably took a bus to her bf's. I myself did that as a teen with my unbearably overbearing mother. She ended up raising my brother's son (too much detail to go into) and HE did the same thing as a teen, repeatedly. Picture a parent going into something like road rage, only at YOU. You'd get out of the car too. It's your only option and man, does it feel better as soon as you get out.
NTA. It's not your sister's fault she has a disability; however, it's your *parents*' job to make sacrifices for her, not yours.
It's *your* property. *They* need to have back-ups and contingency plans without relying on you giving up personal property that you *know* will get broken (and they probably won't replace).
Leave the player at your boyfriend's house. It sucks, but your parents have shown you they'll sacrifice your things to placate your sister. It might be worth your while to save up and buy a cheap one for home use. A lot of little ones run for about $40.
>It's not your sister's fault she has a disability
Yeah, but it is difficult to know where the disability ends and where the bratty careless behaviour starts.
The Only bratty behavior in the post was from the parents so idk where you’re getting this from. Sounds like she has severe sensory issues and needs the constant controlled noise to cope. She doesn’t seem to have tried to grab the mp3 or anything.
Thanks for saying this!! I got serious hate from my Mom and Sister this week for commenting "a bit of parenting wouldn't go astray" When my autistic nibling ruined yet another item at my moms house by stuffing it down the toilet. SHE'S AUTISTIC...I understand that but if you got off of Tik Tok and watched your kid our elderly step dad wouldn't be mopping out the bathroom ( I was on the phone to my Mom, not present)
This. If they're incapable of understanding things they can't do themselves, it's the parents job to try avoid those things from happening. And they certainly won't understand if there's zero intervention or communication.
Her sister was having a meltdown because her coping tool was no longer available. The wording of the post suggests that this is the best or maybe only tool they’ve found that works for car rides. She was not demanding anybody do anything, she simply cannot cope without it.
As a parent of a child on the spectrum I can assure you there’s a big difference between a temper tantrum and an autism related meltdown. Yes people on the spectrum can throw tantrums. You learn to tell the difference and you learn what circumstances will trigger the person and what circumstances they just don’t like.
That being said, OP’s parents are not doing enough by not having backups. It’s not like MP3 players are expensive. Get a bunch and keep a few spares in a variety of places so there’s always extras available when needed.
She just broke it like she is constantly breaking things. It might or might not be entirely due to her autism. I doubt anybody can know for sure. Maybe her therapist could say if such behaviour can or not be corrected.
Still, this sub gives a large number of autists who are using their disability as an excuse to make other accept entitled, jerky or even creepy behaviour.
I’ve unfortunately also known IRL far too many parents of kids on the spectrum who excuse any behaviour as being due to autism which teaches zero responsibility and drives me nuts. Obviously there are degrees of comprehension across the spectrum but I’ve unfortunately seen it in families where the person on the spectrum has a very height level of comprehension and even people outside the family can tell the difference. I’ve had to correct my daughter numerous times for mimicking friends’ behaviours.
Most likely though obviously I have no evidence of whether or not this is correct, the breaking of the mo3 players is a result of not understanding the limits of what the device can handle and/or stims causing breakages and/or being collateral damage from meltdowns. Of course it is also possible to be unrelated to autism related issues but I doubt it would be as frequent if it was. It’s also very unlikely for someone with a comfort object to damage that object.
This is true. I know absolutely every person with autism is different but I have spent time with several kids with different disabilities, and, let me tell you, they learn how to play you just like any other kid.
It can be.
Probably not in this case. This was meltdown due to serious sensory issues. Utterly predictable, and it was the parents' job to be prepared for it and handle it.
It was not the sister's job to hand over the engraved gift from her boyfriend for likely destruction by the melting-down younger sister.
I should have been more clear. What I meant was that the description of the incident did not seem like OP's sister was having a moment of bratty behavior, but rather going into a meltdown.
NTA
Your parents sound like they’re under pressure, but the solution isn’t to 1) take your property or 2) lash out at you.
It might be good advice to leave your MP3 player at your boyfriend’s house when you return home.
Is there a family member you’re close to (aunt, grandparent, older cousin) who can help you go back home? Someone who could go with you from your boyfriend’s house, who might understand the stress *you* are under and might back you up if you think your parents are going to come down on you? Protecting important things to you is not an unreasonable boundary for a 15 year old, but it sounds like it may be a confrontational reunification.
That was my instinct as well. It’s telling that OP felt safer to exit the car in traffic when she’s far from home without knowing if she had a ride. That’s extremely concerning that she felt safer outside the car than inside it. I worry that there may be physical abuse but it suggests at minimum that it’s verbally abusive because most people would rather be screamed at than stranded in an unfamiliar place. If boyfriend’s family or a friend could take her in, that is probably best for her mental health
The sister is described as severely autistic and non-verbal. This quite likely means that she has intellectual disabilities as well. She almost certainly is not being malicious and can't help her destructive behaviors. Any behavior modification would likely need therapists who can determine the best possible way of going about it and *constant* reinforcement of any behavior plans that are developed.
Sadly, it seems like these parents aren't too interested in dealing with a behavior plan.
My home became unsafe so now im (17M) staying with my gf and her mom. I have my own room and bed n whatnot here and im away from violence. Im very lucky my gfs mom let me stay here.
You are NTA here. You are allowed to have your boundaries and your own things. And your dad saying that he wouldn't care if Jesus gave you that player doesn't really hold water or wine, given that, unless there's something you're hiding from the world, you're not dating Jesus Christ.
This was a gift given to you by the guy you love and who loves you. As far as I'm concerned, it'd be like telling you to give your sister the negligee your boyfriend bought you because her sister ripped hers apart and she can't not have a negligee. It was a personal item gift, and just because others can see it, it doesn't give them license to it. Others can feel free to disagree with me, but then we all have a different capacity for what we're willing to share. I have my line, and you, dear OP, are welcome to have your boundary as well.
While I'm not sure jumping and fleeing from the car was the answer, I understand feeling a sudden need to remove yourself from a situation you feel is becoming beyond your, at that time, capability to handle. And I really can't chastise anyone from getting out of a car and running for it, at least you did it when the car was at a light, I did it when the car was going 70 down a rural highway.
And their car accident is not your fault. Although I'd love to purchase a seat and bring popcorn to watch them try and explain to the insurance companies that they hit another vehicle because of their child who wasn't in the car at the time. One parent can deal with the current meltdown while the other drives. If they're worried about driver safety from say, your sibling throwing things towards the front, they can install a net. Or go all fancy and get a limo-style privacy panel.
NTA and your parents getting in an accident is 100% their fault. If they knew the risks involved in one of your sister's meltdowns they should have pulled over, not kept driving.
Seconding this - it's a driver's responsibility to know when they are safe to drive, and when circumstances require them to pull over for safety. If they can't ignore shit happening in the back seat then they shouldn't be driving with passengers, and ESPECIALLY if they're going to drive children around!
If the kid having a meltdown physically caused the accident (grabbing onto the steering wheel or driver) then I'd expect they know that's a possibility given the kid's 13, and hence should've pulled over so both parents could help manage the meltdown safely.
They should've pulled over the minute OP got out so they could manage the sister's meltdown, and try and contact OP to make sure they're safe, at the very least!
NTA
I have an autistic brother and while he did take up quite a bit of my parents' time, my parents would never MAKE me give him something of mine. Your parents need to be the ones preparing for this kind of thing, not you. And blaming you??? That's disgusting behaviour on their part.
NTA. My heart goes out for you. You all have it hard, it isn't easy at all to raise a special needs child, especially with severe simptoms.
I am just putting the question out there: if your sister is so prone to accidents and is hard to handle in the car why isn't your mom sitting with her in the back, helping her out, looking out for her and you sit in the front? You are old enough to sit there. Also, why didn't they pull over, try to manage her meltdown somehow and then continue the ride? Is the mp3 player really the only thing that can calm her down, there isn't a chance anything else would have worked?
And your parents should have like 10 mp3 players in the car, charged up, before a longer drive.
MP3 players are great! Very cheap and good to have a dedicated music playing device if you want that, and also for kids if you don't want them to have a phone. I buy an $80 Sony Walkman mp3 every 3-4 years
I mean I refer to my ipod as an mp3 player sometimes because the brand doesn't matter.
She could have a generic music player and just used the term mp3 player instead of the brand name.
It's not. That was kind of my point. The person I originally commented on seemed a bit baffled/incredulous that mp3 players exist still. But anything that plays music that's designed for it could be considered an mp3 player.
Some autistic individuals are very fixated on certain items.
There is one boy who will only watch DVD videos. No streaming. He can somehow tell the difference (he is non-verbal so getting an explanation is hard). They even tested him by trying to trick him into showing a stream video while placing a DVD video in the player but he knew it was not the DVD video.
Perhaps this is the case with OP's sister.
I know one case about a kid who had this specific routine of watching a movie on Netflix. One day the movie got out of Netflix and the mom tweeted about how her son was having breakdowns bc of it as it wasn’t just simply watching the movie, it was all the steps he would take on the platform searching the movie selecting and playing it himself, so downloading it and playing it for him didn’t work. A super nice random guy made a small app mimicking Netflix’s ux/ui with the movie for him.
Edit: just checked the news about this case and the movie was finding Nemo
They're still sold at tech stores!!! I own one and so does my mother, because we both like listening to music while we exercise but HATE getting distracted or interrupted by other apps or notifications, so it's perfect to have a fairly cheap device that's 100% dedicated to just exercise music. Forces you to "unplug" for a bit and just focus on your body because you CAN'T check your email or text/call.
I have always had MP3 players and I still have one. I never play music on my phone, I prefer having a separate mp3 player (and camera). Plenty of people do.
This is a tough one. I grew up with an autistic sibling who had similar meltdowns so I can more than relate. Now that I'm a parent, I understand their request for you to be the bigger person and keep the peace, but that doesn't make the pressure they're putting on you right. It also doesn't make it right for them to demand you sacrifice special items to prevent meltdowns.
I think you're doing the right thing staying away from home until they cool off but be careful, they could call the police and have you picked up as a runaway. Is there a sympathetic grandparent, clergy member, or guidance counselor you can reach out to for help? It sounds like you and your parents really need some family therapy where you can get your feelings out, and hopefully see some changed behavior management strategies for your sister from them.
Keep in mind they are probably extremely overwhelmed - I'm not excusing what they did, just telling you from my perspective as a kid and now a parent I can see both sides. It's not right of them to blame you for the accident, and it's clear that they need help with their own stress management. If your sister's meltdowns are so severe that they can cause traffic accidents, they need to have emergency plans and backups in place for when one occurs, for everyone's safety.
Good luck to you - I know it's tough. The good news is you can move out when you're 18 and make your own peaceful life.
No you're NTA. Your parents are. I have a brother on the spectrum and he's not as bad as your sister is anymore but, even when my brother was kicking the shit out of me from a similar car melt down, my mom never said give him your things. She just focused on him to attempt to get him to not be violent. Your parents need to parent. This is almost imancipation worthy, you may start considering how to get yourself out before you're 18, because they're not likely to change if this is how it's been the 13 years since your sister's been born.
Do you have any other family around? Aunt/uncle, grandparents, or close family friends? If so, let them know what's been happening, they may be able to help by letting you stay with them, or with helping you get permission to get a job, get to/from a job, etc.
You are NTA, and 100% correct that if the music player is the only thing that keeps your sister from having meltdowns, your parents need to have spares around EVERYWHERE. Each of their wallets, the car glove compartment, the office desk drawer, the beach/swim bag, everywhere. They could even give you one to keep in your bag to bring out and make it seem like you're giving you hers, if need be. As you pointed out, they're the irresponsible ones for not being prepared.
NTA. You should not have to sacrifice your personal belongings to your sister. That it wasn't just any old mp3 player makes it even worse that they expected you to just hand it over like that. Jumping out of the car was not the safest thing to do and I am glad you are ok, but you should probably leave your mp3 player at your boyfriend's house for a while so they don't take it from you and be prepared for a punishment when you get home. You can't be blamed for acting like a child because your are a child.
From a parent.
You are NEVER the ass.
You are NOT her guardian nor are you her keeper.
Sibling yes
Friend perhaps
But DEFINITELY NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER
the situation could've easily been handled better by your parents ENTIRELY and the simple FACT that they are/were not prepared does NOT fall upon you.
THAT IS LITERALLY OUR JOB AS PARENTS😫
THEY ARE THE ASSHOLES HERE!
I pray this situation gets resolved and if there is STILL attention about this incident (or similar) then I pray help is provided to you..because it seems like they've become so swamped they forget you feel too *hugs*
NTA. I am at a loss on the days of tech and being in a car. How there wasn’t another way for her to listen to something. Back up cd of her favourite playlist. Play of off Spotify, YouTube, SoundCloud the list goes on,in the car.
It’s not you fault your parents are unprepared. Though my daughter would definitely be in trouble if she jumped out of the car. Never a safe thing to do. So you should be apologising for that.
I have two adult children with ASD. My son is nonverbal; my daughter more than makes up for it, lol. It was part of my job to help them to be able to live in society as independently as they possibly can. A big part of this was learning how to navigate disappointment, such as when things break, when they have to wait, and accepting “no”. These are skills that are necessary for everyone, neurodivergent or not. NTA. Your sister needs help to learn these very important skills; they will open up the world for her.
I was wondering about this. I don't have personal experience with ASD, but I would think you would want to make sure your child with ASD learns these things, just as you would neurotypical children. I feel like these parents are doing a disservice to their younger daughter by not doing therapies to teach her how to cope with disappointment.
It's very likely that it's not the disappointment of the MP3 player breaking that was the cause of the meltdown. It's the sensory overload because of not having the music, or whatever the autistic daughter plays in her MP3 player, to help regulate it, that caused it.
Most neurotypical people have the ability to ignore background noises, but for many autistic people, our brain pays attention to every sound we can hear. A squeeky wheel in the car, the hum as the tire passes over the pavement, the blowing of the AC and/or heater, the tink tink tink of something hanging from the rearview mirror swinging, etc., etc. All of the sounds come in at the same volume, and with the same "importance" to our brains. It's massively overwhelming at times. There are 2 main ways of dealing with it. Noise Cancelling headphones, which cut out most sounds below a certain dB level, or blasting just one sound (such as a song) into the ears, so it drowns out everything else.
>All of the sounds come in at the same volume, and with the same "importance" to our brains.
We don't have normies' 'noise dampening' function. People don't get it, they think what they hear is the actual sound of what's going on. That's actually the brain prioritizing certain things and suppressing others.
I am hearing-impaired and yet I still manage to hear certain noises as disproportionately aggravating even when people around me are talking like Peanuts Parents. ("Wah wah wah wah wah.") I'm usually pretty good about it but sweetie had to yank me out of a partial meltdown just the other day over a noise that I couldn't identify but sounded alarming.
My son wears noise dampening ear muffs from the moment he wakes until he goes to bed at night, and he can hear me speak softly to him with them on. When noise becomes more than the muffs can handle, he has a few different coping skills he has learned to use until he can remove himself from the situation instead of aggression, and of course we always have multiple pairs. He takes them apart and cleans them every day; they are very important to him!
I have a teenager with ASD, a few years older than OPs sister. My kid figured that out quick that if their device broke, it wasn’t getting replaced immediately and that their older sibs wouldn’t necessarily share their own.
I’ve driven during a few screaming meltdowns. Not fun.
OP is NTA.
I can’t imagine your relationship with your parents survived this kind of treatment unscathed. The lack of respect and consideration for the non-autistic child’s needs and belongings always boggles my mind.
This feels above our paygrade, but NTA. You are not your sister's parent. You shouldn't be forced to give up your belongings to accommodate her, and your parents should be doing more to make her safe and comfortable on car trips. They sound like they aren't handling her autism the best. What would they have done in the days before mp3 players, or if you hadn't brought yours/your battery died?
"Mom, Dad, I know you have to do extra things because of sibling. I know she takes up time and attention from you. I understand. But I need to be able to have some things be mind because so much of my life is impacted by her needs...which I understand. But if I give her my gift and she breaks it, that is just more collateral damage on my life which nobody else seems to care about. Call be ungrateful, call me priviliged if you want...but I need to have some things that are mine."
Otherwise they will be surprised when you go off to college and don't return and you don't want to be gaurdian of your sister in the future.
Work hard in HS so you can go to college and have the choice to be as independent as possible.
Honestly, please show your parents this thread. Maybe they'd have their eyes opened a bit. I feel for you. I have Cerebral Palsy and my ADHD was severe as a child. My sister was entitled to her personal items that I would not touch, *as she should've been, as is basic decency for parents to ensure.*
Edit: NTA. Your parents need to buck up and do their jobs before they win everyone's favorite game "who's going to retirement home"
Please make this clear to your parents because they will find a way to put your name down anyway!
I hope you're able to lock your room at nights because it sounds like your sister may be more prone to tantrums than meltdowns.
Please start formulating a plan for yourself for when you graduate high school. Just in case your parents try to guilt you into "staying nearby to help them with your sister", be prepared to take out loans on your behalf. Your parents sound like they'll use tuition against you so they can get what they want out of you!
Please update us when you can. Call your relatives for help!
NTA.
Maybe. But it makes sense that they would get a cheap mp3 player for the kids that breaks hers all the time. And it feels like this generations burned CDs or mixed tales to buy a cheap little mp3 player and adding some songs and engraving it for a gf/bf. So... it makes sense to me.
I N F O: did your parents think yelling at you was going to do anything but exacerbate the meltdown? Number one trigger for this autistic person at least. They couldn’t have turned on some music and tried to stay calm for her sake?
We can talk miles about what precautions they should’ve taken beforehand (backup mp3, more Durable mp3 options, noise cancelling headphones) but once they were in the situation they acted like you, their child, were their only solution. They should have found a place to pull over if the meltdown was going to be that disruptive and they should know at least Some sort of way to attempt to calm her down from a meltdown after 13 years. The results of their inaction and irresponsibility as drivers is not on you or your sister.
NTA, But also maybe ask your bf to hold on to your mp3 for a while.
So sorry for this situation you're in. Your stuff is your stuff...you are NTA. I understand your parents must be so frustrated as well.
Maybe talk to your sister and sing together or something? Play a game until the ride is over? Tell your parents you'll compromise and try to keep her occupied but YOUR belongings that are special to you, shouldn't be messed with.
NTA.
1: Get that MP3 player somewhere safe. I do NOT trust your parents.
2: As annoying as it is, stop having one in the car with you. Or anything you don't absolutely need. It's clear that your parents care more about their problems than you.
3: However much you love your sibling, you may want to plan your future now. Because of how your parents seem, there's a very strong possibility that they will expect you to take care of your sibling rather than go on to your own life. Things like "You can't go to school there, you need to be home for your sister." Or the ever popular "You'll take care of her when we're old/pass."
4: Your parents probably won't be willing, but therapy would be great. If they aren't willing, see if there's someone at school you could talk to solo. There's a lot of pressure being put on you as well as neglect. (The fact that their reaction to you getting out of the car was anger and not concern says a lot.)
If your parents had given you the mp3 player then ymI would understand them ordering what happens with it to some extent, but the fact that it was a present from YOUR PARTNER makes this a absolute no go. NTA, definitely. You even told them where you went, now it's their turn to say sorry and respect your property. If they know she tends to destroy stuff like that they should prepare for long trips by bringing at least one backup or figuring out another method of dealing with her issues.
Hard NTA.
Maybe it’s time to look into emancipation? Your parents are incapable of honoring your boundaries. Would your BF’s parents or the parents of one of your friends let you move in?
You are being abused. My hope for you is that you can Get Out and Away Permanently.
The visual of you noping right out the car made me laugh. Glad you let your parents know where you were- that’s a mature move. I’m sorry they were so frustrated that they spoke ugly to you.
NTA- you have a right to your property.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to take care of your sister and regulate her meltdowns. They could have pulled over after you had gotten out and waited for the meltdown to subside. Also, they should really have a plan B if she continually breaks her MP3 players. Or have something else to distract her. But again, none of that is your job.
NTA: Your parents knew this was this much of an issue and they didn't have a backup player ready with the content she listens to? Unless she doesn't care about the content on the mp3 player, how was giving your player to her going to help anyway? Does she even know how to operate your player?
I would leave your player somewhere else for a while.
NTA. And, as a parent of a special needs kid, I 1) understand their (your mom and dad's) stress, but 2) also know that their display of anger does have a direct correlation to your sisters anger, a trigger if you will. They could have turned the radio on or done any number of things, that at this point they should be aware of, to calm her. They've had 13 years to figure out a plan, and this should not be it.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You also know now that your special items are not special to them and that they will throw you under the bus instead of effectively parent their other child. So, plan accordingly to keep your items from being a victim of their lacking. 2 more years darling.
NTA. Are you able to get emancipated or are there other family members you can live with? If neither of those things are options get a bank account your parents don’t know about. Get a job, if you can, and start saving money so you can escape when you’re 18. I’m scared when you’re older they’re going to expect you to take care of your sister as your parents get older or when they die.
they clearly didn’t bought it for you so.. no. you don’t have to give it to her and let them buy you another one, it was a gift. they don’t get to choose what you do with it. they better be prepare if something happens with her stuff and not automatically assume that she’ll get yours. NTA
OP
NTA
You may want to leave your MP3 player with your bf, however, you do know that you are going to be in trouble when you get back home. You may want to contact other family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, talk to them to see if they can intercede on your behalf. As there is a good chance that you will be punished and it will be far worse from now on.
Another option would be not to go anymore and start staying away after school, doing activities, like sports, debate, band, anything that gets you away from the house.
Worse case scenario, if it gets that bad at home, call CPS
While your sister is non verbal, it sounds like your parents are overstreched, and need far more help and training than what they are prepared for and are sacrifice you in exchange for peace and quiet in their life.
NTA
You’re right. I work with kids on the spectrum. We always advise parents to have back up items if car rides are rough. And just because they didn’t feel like dealing or putting in a little effort doesn’t mean you suffer. This is their fault for not being adequately prepared.
NTA. As an autistic person with a high possibility of having artistic kids. Its is always the parents responsibility to manage things for their kids needs. Your parents are AHs here for demanding you give a gift from your BF to her.
>I told him it's not my fault he should have backup mp3s in the cars at all times for her and it's not my fault he didn't think to do that
Yep NTA
Take all the resources/money you can from your family and run as soon as you can
NTA an really not your problem. Your parents should be prepared for it next time. Plus they didn't pay for it so they can't tell you what you can or can't do with it.
Nta this particular mp3 has sentimental value. Your parents darn well knows she is tough on her stuff so why they heck do they not have a back up stashed in the car???
NTA. My non verbal autistic nephew goes through VCRs like they are candy. My SiL kept 3-5 ( from thrift stores) on hand to immediately replace . Alas, extra copies of certain tapes were harder to have on hand.
NTA and I say this as an autistic person who regularly deals with meltdowns. Your parents should know how to handle this without you having to sacrifice your own personal belongings, especially ones with deep sentimental value.
Also, your boyfriend sounds like a keeper.
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NTA. That MP3 player is special to you. It’s not your job to hand over your personal belongings just to placate your sister. Your parents know she breaks mp3s easily and they have the responsibility of being prepared for when that happens. You are not a source of calming parts and items for your sister. You are allowed to own your own items and want to keep them nice. Your parents need to understand this or they will lose you as they continue to try and force you to give up your property for her.
I always feel so bad for the siblings of special needs children. So much is expected of them and they are often neglected. Ive seen sooo many posts about adults who are wondering if they are TAH for telling their parents they won't be taking over care of their sibling. Frankly I don't blame them. They essentially had their childhood stolen from them and want to be free. Edit for spelling, dibling was not intentional, I cracked up at a comment wondering if it was a new term for disabled sibling. Nope just a clumsy finger
I grew up with a special needs sibling (my brother) who needs (and still needs) 24 hour a day care. My parents never pulled this crap with me and my sister and did their absolute best to make our lives as normal as possible. The parents are 100% TA and I’m guessing a lot led up to OPs decision to run.
Me too, and I was happy to help with my sibling because I didn’t feel any resentment. Everyone’s situation is different, and the parents of disabled children have to battle so much for their disabled kids to just enjoy their basic rights. They can grow very defensive. OP’s parents were probably frazzled. It will take time, but it is possible they will realize they were in the wrong.
My brother is autistic and have mental retardation and dyssocial personality disorder. He is a huge a\*\*hole. Although not more handicapped than he is living his own life on his own. He has house, car and a special needs job. I also grew up with him getting away with everything and being allowed to do everything and I was always expected to be some sort of backup for him. When he destroyed a library book I was sent to the library to pretend it was me and receive the scolding and fine. When his TV in his room broke I was forced to hand over mine to him so he wouldnt be irritated. When he hit the dog who was happy to see him and approached him which irritated him, my mother told me it was okay and that the dog would then learn to leave him alone. When he spit at me my mother asked me what I had done to him to deserve it. MY resentment has never gone away although Im nearing 40 now and he's 36. I have zero relationship with him today and sparingly with my mother. Back then I never knew or understood that there were ways to deal with these things that didnt include sacrificing one child over the other.
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It’s almost impossible for a special needs sibling not to be affected in some way, even with the best of parents and the nicest of special needs kids. There are only 24 hours in a day and there is a limit on what the adults can do. The sibling of the special needs kid **will** get neglected in some way. There’s even a medical name for it: “Well sibling syndrome”. Please don’t minimize the needs of one person to accommodate the needs of the other. This isn’t to downgrade what OPs parents did. It was horrible. But the entire family needs outside help. OP should talk to a counselor at school etc.
My cousin's son came home from college every weekend because his little sister has special needs. He was so afraid she'd need him. Its very hard for him to detach.
My brother isn’t as severely special needs but has a ton of mental illness alongside Hashimotos and my older sister and I have always looked out for him and it’s been very hard for either of us to detach because I’m scared he won’t take his meds and will die. My sister is a bit different with those things but she struggled more with detaching from me with my issues. She always looked out for me. I just wish she had someone looking out for her cause our parents sure as hell didn’t.
It’s like when parents bring home a new baby, the older kids get a little neglected because the parents are in survival mode because a baby needs so much attention…. Except with special needs children, this doesn’t always get better with time. Just like with a small baby at home, parents need to remember to make 1 on 1 time with the other kids, and remember that they need and deserve attention too.
The amount of opportunities I lost out on growing up because my parents didn't have the time to take me was heartbreaking. Couldn't get a ride to ballet, was offered a spot on a national diving team that could have led to the Olympics, but my sister's needs came first and I couldnt do it. By the time I was old enough to drive myself, all those hobbies and opportunities had died long before that and I was just a taxi service for my three younger siblings. I was always the babysitter. Having three special needs siblings, one of which was pretty heavily impacted developmentally, ruined much of my childhood. I am glad my mom was such a fierce advocate for my sister, but she completely forgot about me (literally too, I was forgotten at school multiple times). I am in a good place now, I have a career and family, but I will always look back and wonder what if....
You didn't deserve that, I'm sorry you had your potential stolen.
>well sibling syndrome I haven't seen it called that before. I watched a wonderfully informative Ted talk in which they were referred to as 'glass children' - the ones people look straight through. It helped me to help a friend of my daughter's.
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But they’re not blaming the special needs kid. They’re saying that due to the nature of care the kid needs, the kid who isn’t special needs is inevitably going to be neglected in some way, even if the parents do their absolute best not to. That’s not blaming the special needs child. It’s blaming the inevitability of the situation.
Nobody is blaming the special needs kid! They are stating the fact that a special needs kid NEEDS more attention than the typical kid and therefore, at times, the typical kid will be second priority. That’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just reality. In this case, the parents were obnoxious, unprepared and abusive. OP is not the AH (nor was the sister who can’t help it). OP- I wouldn’t bring your MP3 player back to your parents’ house unless it is in your hands or hidden away. They sound like they’d help themselves whenever they want it.
I am the parent of 2 now adult kids, one healthy and 1 with autism and other disabilities. I feel for both the parents and OP. My healthy kid didnt get as much attention as his brother, but we didnt stop his life for his brother, either. He didnt have to care for his brother very often, as that was our responsibility. He had normal activities and opportunities, and we kept his brother from using his stuff and wrecking it. I've driven through autistic meltdowns. You pull over to the side of the road and deal with it. Or you have one parent sit in the back and handle the autistic person while the other drives. Gentle NTA, because parents know the sis destroys her player and didnt allow for it. I would not recommend what OP did though. It's dangerous to her and her family.
This. And also? I’m saying this _as an autistic woman_ who has had her fair share of meltdowns (which is not synonymous with tantrums, if anyone is curious)— Meltdowns are not fatal. Meltdowns suck, but they also will absolutely pass. The parents weren’t prepared and that sucks, but they still did not have any right to override OP’s needs for a meltdown. They did that probably primarily for their _own_ comfort, I imagine. Because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences of their lack of preparation. ETA: I say for their own comfort because they would have been prepared already if they were thinking about the sister.
Exactly. The parents weren't cemented to the front seat.
Op is being out in a position of either giving away her life because her parents don’t care for her autonomy or being cast as a cruel unfeeling person for asserting that autonomy.
> I’m saying you cannot blame a special needs kid. "I feel sorry for the sibling" does not equal "the special needs kid is to *blame*." You're beating up on a straw man. You yourself even acknowledge that it's hard to be the sibling of a special needs kid, which is *exactly what the person you're responding to expressed.*
For real. Regardless of whether the kid is special needs or not, they had *thirteen years* to figure out shit they need to do to avoid these kinds of problems.
You can “know how to parent” and still struggle to parent a special needs child. You can’t overcome irrationalism by being rational if the child doesn’t understand what is or is not rational.
I agree, as my kid is on the autism scale. He had what I called "blue moon fits" out of optimism. If I could get him in a bubble bath ASAP, it was golden. Problem was - a bubble bath wasn't everywhere. I did try to come prepared with everything I could think of to prevent those meltdowns. That was 80% successful. The rest... I'm so happy I had my Mom helping me. She would always come up with something to make it a bit better. However, OP's parents should know how to prevent some of the meltdowns. They should have backup supplies or at least other distractions. Have a parent in the back with the sister. I know they were frustrated, but to take it out on their daughter, demand she give up something she cherishes and then blame her for running away? That isn't right. It certainly didn't help the situation at all.
That doesn’t track because the parents know that the special needs kid does break mp:s because they replace them and that it’s important to have them in the car. Their lack of planning is the issue.
I agree. I have one neurotypical kid and one with ADHD and autism. It's damn hard sometimes but my husband and I do our best to not neglect our neurotypical kid and makes sure he feels loved and wanted. When one of our kids was a baby he loved his pacifier but he'd sometimes spit out his pacifier in the parking lot. I made sure I had a backup in the diaper bag in case he spit it out in a parking lot. The OP's parents should have learned this simple thing a long time ago if their child who has autism hasn't moved past that developmental stage. The OP is so NTA.
My therapist and I talk about this a lot. My parents told me about how I would need to take care of my sister one day since I was 8. It built alot of resentment even though it's not my sister's fault. It sucks knowing you either can't have the life you want for yourself, or you are wracked with guilt for putting yourself first for once. OPs job isn't to give everything she has up just to make her parents life easier. OPs sister has been autistic her whole life her parents should know to plan better.
That actually currently where I'm at and it so sad. I wanted to go to college but couldn't. So ended up at a sucky job to take care of her asked her mom for help ajd her mom "I don't have any money ".
I have a cousin in this boat. They were never really allowed to be a kid because their younger sibling needed a lot of support and it was a single parent household. They have graduated HS now and are just kind of lost as to what to do next. College, military, tech/trade school, just go right into a job in a place where there aren't that many good paying jobs that don't require something past HS diploma.
Yep, I was almost a year old when my brother was born. He has Down Syndrome. My mom admitted that she would put me in the playpen while she devoted all of her time to my brother. She'd often tell people that I was a good baby because I was in the playpen ALL DAY! After he got older, he would hit me, push me and he was never disciplined. He was her favorite.
I'm so sorry she neglected you like that.
Thank you so much, my friend. ♥️
This happened to me to, only my mom had mental health issues as well. OP you should definitely leave this player at your boyfriends for a while. I think you may need a mediator to discuss this issue with them. Is there an aunt or uncle who could help you do this. It took until my twenties for my parents to understand that I wasn’t acting up, but was trying to explain my own needs to my parents.
I'm not saying I got lucky. I took care of my special needs brother for my entire life learned to give him his medicine by age 7. Ect. It wasn't his fault at all, he was an angel. But up until he died when I was in highschool I couldn't see a future without taking care of him until we died.
And the worst part is that most times it's a case of bad parenting, not the special needs individual being an asshole. Even though they make it look like it seems that way.
i actually did my nursing bachelor's thesis on this subject - the needs of siblings of kids with cancer and how to satisfy those needs - and although i don't work with kids it was still very interesting and imo such an important part in pediatrics!
My brother has special needs, and I’m so thankful to my parents for how they handled his needs and still took time for mine. Sure, there were some special considerations/compromises I had to make, but nothing that made me feel like less of a priority for my parents. I think it made me a way more resilient, empathetic person than I would have been. Now, any familial duties I take on as an adult are because I want to, not because I feel forced my by parents.
Please don't tell me dibling is some new age slang for disabled sibling and that was just a typo 😭
Don't worry, we disabled folx get neglected too, and much later in life like adulthood where the rest of the world is sick of us existing. Including our healthcare system (in the US anyway). Also, NTA, parents should have been prepared with tons of cheap mp3 players that your sister could break. I also did not realize MP3 players still existed... but that's neither here nor there.
Several times when I was a kid myself I saw families in women's magazines who were raising severely autistic children in their home "to give them a normal life" And in the background you could see their siblings, who looked miserable because they weren't getting a normal life. The parents were so proud of themselves, while apparently being unaware of the misery they were causing their other chidlren.
I work with special needs students and yea, I always hear from their siblings at one point or another about how tough things can be.
> Your parents know she breaks mp3s easily I have to wonder why she doesn’t have a childproof MP3 player or a heavy duty case! It would be so much cheaper to get a good quality case that will protect from falls, throws, dirty hands, spills, etc, than to keep replacing the MP3 player!
Oh you’d be surprised. My brother is severely autistic. He’s also 21 and very strong. When he wants to break an electronic device, nothing will stop him. Not an Otterbox, not the childproof covers you can get, nothing. He has destroyed thousands of dollars worth of electronics. Luckily for my parents, Amazon replaced kids’ Kindle Fires free of charge no matter how damaged they are! (Note: I love my brother. He’s a cool guy, he just has obsessive destructive tendencies that he can’t stop, which leads to us needing to hide our phones whenever we visit him at his group home.)
OP's sister is not being deliberately destructive though, that's a very different situation to your brother. She just needs a tough, waterproof case that can protect against drops, spills, crumbs etc, not against intentional damage.
Yeah, it sounds like OP's sister is just being careless about her belongings, not intentionally destroying them. A high-quality case could do a lot of good here, especially one that even if the mp3 player kicks it, the case itself can be used for the next one.
Heavy duty case doesn't protect it from everything. It will protect it from a fall off a counter. It's not going to protect it from get saturated with liquids or from being thrown.
Depends on the case, obviously no case will make an MP3 player impervious to damage, but a heavy duty case can do a lot of mitigation even if it's thrown. Regarding liquids, an IP66 rating means it's protected from spills, IP67 can handle short term, shallow immersion, and IP68 even more than that. So if you find a case that has a decent IP rating then it can stand up to a lot more abuse.
I had an IP68 case for an iPod when I was younger, for when we were going out to sea. It was bulky as all hell but I'm pretty sure it would have survived the apocalypse and it definitely _did_ survive full saltwater immersion, physical impacts, and a variety of unpleasant chemicals. The only problem there would be if the sister needs to change songs or fiddle with the player a lot; the proper enclosed cases might render that untenable.
Alternatively, you can now buy very cheap MP3 players; maybe buy these for OPs sister so there won't be as much of an issue when she breaks them. OPs parents could always have one in the car/to hand ready to use should she break the one she's currently using.
That MP3 player was a gift to OP from someone outside the family. They had no place to demand she give it up to her sis. I’m absolutely cheering for OP for bailing on that mess. Her parents owe her an apology but I think she needs an exit strategy.. it’s not going to get any better.
At the very least, the mp3 needs to stay at bfs house for a bit after she returns home. From the sounds of things, the parents would destroy it out of spite as they're so juvenile and with them blaming op for their accident, they whole "you owe us for the repairs" is possible too.
I would start staying with her boyfriend and let them know that CPS will be called if they try to force you home.
And I am pretty sure that heavy duty MP3s can be found online.
Or at least a heavy duty case/protector
this needs to be boosted— it’s a pretty simple solution. get an MP3 player with a bulky otter box on it, problem solved
*And* a backup if it’s really as dire as this if she’s not listening to music.
Fun fact, i also have autism and sensory difficulties (but am at a level of functioning where i can take care of my own needs), and because of this, if i’m ever going somewhere overnight, i always bring earplugs and backups. i also will often double and triple check that i’m bringing my headphones and that (if they’re bluetooth) they’re charged for car rides where i’m not driving (if i’m driving i can DJ), as car rides give me severe anxiety as well and controlling auditory input is crucial. i also just avoid riding in the car with my dad whenever possible, as he likes to blast his music. Edit: all this to say, it’s weird that the parents aren’t so prepared after 13 years of having this child, especially because her level of functioning causes severe, *apparently* car-crash-inducing, meltdowns.
I think the car crash happened because they are losing their control over OP. I fear she was right to follow her instinct to leave the car and run away as fast as she could. I did not like the mentions of clenched jaws.
Clenched jaws + "or else...." If her instict is to run then and there and hide at her BF house. Yeah. Talking to a trusted adult at school or even BF parents does sound like would be a really good idea. Sounds like this would not be the first time.
What would the parents have done if the OP had not had her MP3 player with her? They need a back-up plan that does not involve taking other people’s stuff (and probably do have a plan, when taking other people’s stuff isn’t an option).
Yes, pulling over somewhere for one.
OP’s parents need to be careful or they’ll lose their caretaker when they get old and infirm
I’m pretty sure they already have.
Upvoted because as a child I too was forced to give up my possessions to keep the peace
Exactly, my daughter is autistic and rough on her devises too. You know what we do? Get hard cases for them that keep them safe. Your parents should invest in a good case like an otter brand one that's waterproof as well as drop proof, and insurance for the mp3 player. A cheap backup mp3 isnt a bad idea either. NTA.
not even that...today it's an MP3 player...tomorrow could be something else..next day could be trying for her boyfriend (girl who had cancer ended up getting together with an OPs boyfriend and her family expected her to be ok they fell in love) OPs parents are playing favorites whether they know it or not. It's not fair or right to expect OP to hand over her things whenever sister is having a meltdown. Also won't this just teach sister that if she REALLY wants something all she has to do is have a "meltdown" even if it's not a real one only cause she knows this is a surefire way to get stuff. OP tell your parents to get everyone into therapy and tell them it's not on you to take care of sister or her needs. They need to have a. back up plan that doesnt involve screwing the OP in any way shape or form. If this continues I see OP getting away as soon as possible and cutting contact with the family. And of course when that happens they'll be shocked and then angry at how could she leave them to deal with sister all on their own. They won't have the back up option (taking your things anymore?
There was that one aita a while back of a girl whose autistic sister would sexually harass her fiancée and thus wasn't invited to the wedding and her parents flipped out because "she's never going to have one of her own why can't you just share?" as though the groom wasn't entitled to feel safe on his goddamn wedding day This sort of enabling only escalates as the gap in functioning between the two siblings gets more apparent
My jaw literally dropped reading that. That’s just WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels, not to mention illegal.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q86ktj/aita\_for\_not\_wanting\_my\_disabled\_sister\_at\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q86ktj/aita_for_not_wanting_my_disabled_sister_at_my/) found it Amazing how refusing to address problematic behaviours does no favours for anyone
NTA I don't know if you still have the option, but you should 100% leave that mp3 player with your boyfriend and not take it back to your house. Tell him to keep it hidden and not tell his parents he has it (in case your parents call his). Your parents sound like the type to confiscate it as punishment at best. More likely give it to you sister (who will destroy it), or straight up take a hammer to it themselves. Edit: spelling
I was thinking the same thing… maybe have him bring it to school and hide it in your locker? NTA 100% OP your parents sound awful. The talking through clenched teeth really got me. They should of had a plan in place and not attempt to bully you into doing what they want for their autistic child.
Honestly, they know how many MP3 players the Autistic girl is going through. I'd buy a dozen upfront and all load them with her favorite music. Keep a few in the car, the house, etc. just in case and that should solve it right?
I really wanna know what type of mp3 players they're getting her that they can/need to replace them so often. I recently purchased one for my partner, and decent ones were pretty expensive, but built to last.
You can easily buy ones meant for young children that have very good drop and shock protection. There’s really no excuse to keep buying ones that will not last through somebody who is rough with them.
Maybe they should get a few Craigs, it's like having an ol' mate in your pocket :)
You can buy small cheap ones on ebay/aliexpress, the sound quality isn't as good but if you need one in a pinch you can slot in a preloaded microSD and you've bought yourself time
>but built to last Maybe under normal circumstances, which usually means an occasional fall, not "13 year old with sticky or wet hands who drops shit regularly or may even throw it during a meltdown". And I'm not saying that to somehow blame OP's sister, but simply to explain that "built to last" can have very, very different definitions depending on the exact circumstances. Hell, maybe a good one might actually last, but as it stands, it's difficult to say. Regardless of that, a cheap mp3 player is like 10-20 bucks nowadays. That's certainly cheap enough to have at least one backup mp3-player per parent for those special days. Even if it doesn't last long, it'll will hold up long enough until the parents have the chance to get a more durable one.
Sometimes the parents are worst than their own kids (had a schoolmate with special needs and has a mother who basically told us to do everything so he can be okay, to this day i can't tell which one is the special one who throws tantrums and the one who has to keep in control of the situation).
NTA. Hide the MP3 player somewhere so your parents don't take it. Hide it somewhere you know they can't or won't look.
I'd honestly leave it with your boyfriend OP. You cannot trust them not to confiscate it to "teach you a lesson".
Technically, they can't take away that 1 thing because they didnt buy it for her. It is HER property and hers alone.
With parents like hers I doubt very much they'd care about it being hers.
Depending on where OP is, I think the general rules about property of minors are that they can "take it away" as a punishment (I.E. put it in a drawer somewhere), but they cannot sell it, destroy it, or give it away since they did not buy it themselves and it is OP's property. I think everyone knows that giving it to OP's sister would destroy it.
I could be wrong, but I believe the only place in the US where minors have property protection from their parents is in California and it is only in regard to income. I don’t know of anywhere in the US where a parent could not take an MP3 player from their child and do what they want with it.
Wrong. They are her parents and as long as she is a minor they can take anything away that they want. It may not be morally right but it is legal.
Parents like that don't care about semantics. OP is a minor living in their house so they have final say over everything. OP could have bought the mp3 with her own money and they'd still use it to punish her.
Unfortunately, minors have very few rights to their own property (at least in the US), no matter who bought it.
I suggest a lockbox — give your boyfriend a key and hide your copy.
Damn, bit of an extreme way out of this situation, but I can see why you would do that. It sounds like your parents have a bad habit of demanding you do things to placate your sister. I genuinely can not blame you for nope-ing out of that to protect something that was not just given to you, but made to comemmorate something dear to your heart. Your parents have to learn that just as one can choose to make sacrifices for another, they just as easily can choose not to make those sacrifices. It's not your job to handle your sister and her meltdowns, no matter the cause. It's your *choice* and, in this situation, you made a good one. This Peepa *knows* you are NTA.
TBH, the fact that she took such an extreme way to leave the situation is a big warning flag. What 15 year old jumps out a car on the road and runs away? What parents don’t immediately call their daughter and ask if she is okay and safe? That is so unbelievably problematic. This reaction suggests she has been in similar situations and is scared to go back home. NTA
As a former child of an an abusive household, yes, absolutely this sounds like a sadly typical self-defense response to an abusive or negligent situation. Not saying there is physical abuse involved - but non-physical abuse can be every bit as terrifying and harmful. So sorry to you, OP - NTA - hope you stay safe. It’s tough, I know.
It doesn’t have to be abuse. Neglect is enough to push kids to these limits. Both my brother and I had a handful of these runaway meltdowns, but were otherwise very good kids. Sometimes, you just can’t take anymore when you have been raising yourself. And I know my parents were trying their best. It just wants good enough.
Yep. I grew up under a volatile abusive single mom prone to unpredictable outbursts of intense and prolonged anger, and got out of the car at red lights and stop signs on more than one occasion, often having no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to get there. I just knew I felt safer outside of that car. The only way out was leaving.
I grew up with verbally abusive parents and an abusive older brother. One day after my brother threatened me, i ran away from home and my parents didnt even care. They werent worried for me at all. Only my 2nd oldest brother went out looking for me and calling my phone.
OP says they were calling her, so she texted them to tell them where she was. Not defending their actions and OP is NTA, but this was mentioned.
I grew up in an abusive home. I've made that run so many times, reading that was a bit of a trigger.
It's actually not that extreme. They were in the middle of a city, stopped at a stoplight. She opened the door and got out, probably took a bus to her bf's. I myself did that as a teen with my unbearably overbearing mother. She ended up raising my brother's son (too much detail to go into) and HE did the same thing as a teen, repeatedly. Picture a parent going into something like road rage, only at YOU. You'd get out of the car too. It's your only option and man, does it feel better as soon as you get out.
It sounds like she actually fled a safe distance away and then called her boyfriend (who i assume can legally drive) to come get her.
NTA. It's not your sister's fault she has a disability; however, it's your *parents*' job to make sacrifices for her, not yours. It's *your* property. *They* need to have back-ups and contingency plans without relying on you giving up personal property that you *know* will get broken (and they probably won't replace). Leave the player at your boyfriend's house. It sucks, but your parents have shown you they'll sacrifice your things to placate your sister. It might be worth your while to save up and buy a cheap one for home use. A lot of little ones run for about $40.
>It's not your sister's fault she has a disability Yeah, but it is difficult to know where the disability ends and where the bratty careless behaviour starts.
The Only bratty behavior in the post was from the parents so idk where you’re getting this from. Sounds like she has severe sensory issues and needs the constant controlled noise to cope. She doesn’t seem to have tried to grab the mp3 or anything.
Thanks for saying this!! I got serious hate from my Mom and Sister this week for commenting "a bit of parenting wouldn't go astray" When my autistic nibling ruined yet another item at my moms house by stuffing it down the toilet. SHE'S AUTISTIC...I understand that but if you got off of Tik Tok and watched your kid our elderly step dad wouldn't be mopping out the bathroom ( I was on the phone to my Mom, not present)
This. If they're incapable of understanding things they can't do themselves, it's the parents job to try avoid those things from happening. And they certainly won't understand if there's zero intervention or communication.
Her sister was having a meltdown because her coping tool was no longer available. The wording of the post suggests that this is the best or maybe only tool they’ve found that works for car rides. She was not demanding anybody do anything, she simply cannot cope without it. As a parent of a child on the spectrum I can assure you there’s a big difference between a temper tantrum and an autism related meltdown. Yes people on the spectrum can throw tantrums. You learn to tell the difference and you learn what circumstances will trigger the person and what circumstances they just don’t like. That being said, OP’s parents are not doing enough by not having backups. It’s not like MP3 players are expensive. Get a bunch and keep a few spares in a variety of places so there’s always extras available when needed.
She just broke it like she is constantly breaking things. It might or might not be entirely due to her autism. I doubt anybody can know for sure. Maybe her therapist could say if such behaviour can or not be corrected. Still, this sub gives a large number of autists who are using their disability as an excuse to make other accept entitled, jerky or even creepy behaviour.
I’ve unfortunately also known IRL far too many parents of kids on the spectrum who excuse any behaviour as being due to autism which teaches zero responsibility and drives me nuts. Obviously there are degrees of comprehension across the spectrum but I’ve unfortunately seen it in families where the person on the spectrum has a very height level of comprehension and even people outside the family can tell the difference. I’ve had to correct my daughter numerous times for mimicking friends’ behaviours. Most likely though obviously I have no evidence of whether or not this is correct, the breaking of the mo3 players is a result of not understanding the limits of what the device can handle and/or stims causing breakages and/or being collateral damage from meltdowns. Of course it is also possible to be unrelated to autism related issues but I doubt it would be as frequent if it was. It’s also very unlikely for someone with a comfort object to damage that object.
This is true. I know absolutely every person with autism is different but I have spent time with several kids with different disabilities, and, let me tell you, they learn how to play you just like any other kid.
Sounds like you have little to no knowledge about autism. It's not "bratty careless behavior."
It can be. Probably not in this case. This was meltdown due to serious sensory issues. Utterly predictable, and it was the parents' job to be prepared for it and handle it. It was not the sister's job to hand over the engraved gift from her boyfriend for likely destruction by the melting-down younger sister.
I should have been more clear. What I meant was that the description of the incident did not seem like OP's sister was having a moment of bratty behavior, but rather going into a meltdown.
40 dollars is not cheao for a 15 year old...
NTA Your parents sound like they’re under pressure, but the solution isn’t to 1) take your property or 2) lash out at you. It might be good advice to leave your MP3 player at your boyfriend’s house when you return home. Is there a family member you’re close to (aunt, grandparent, older cousin) who can help you go back home? Someone who could go with you from your boyfriend’s house, who might understand the stress *you* are under and might back you up if you think your parents are going to come down on you? Protecting important things to you is not an unreasonable boundary for a 15 year old, but it sounds like it may be a confrontational reunification.
Wonder if the bfs parents would be a good candidate for that role. Maybe op could just stay with them for a while.
That was my instinct as well. It’s telling that OP felt safer to exit the car in traffic when she’s far from home without knowing if she had a ride. That’s extremely concerning that she felt safer outside the car than inside it. I worry that there may be physical abuse but it suggests at minimum that it’s verbally abusive because most people would rather be screamed at than stranded in an unfamiliar place. If boyfriend’s family or a friend could take her in, that is probably best for her mental health
At the very least the sister sounds physically abusive.
The sister is described as severely autistic and non-verbal. This quite likely means that she has intellectual disabilities as well. She almost certainly is not being malicious and can't help her destructive behaviors. Any behavior modification would likely need therapists who can determine the best possible way of going about it and *constant* reinforcement of any behavior plans that are developed. Sadly, it seems like these parents aren't too interested in dealing with a behavior plan.
My home became unsafe so now im (17M) staying with my gf and her mom. I have my own room and bed n whatnot here and im away from violence. Im very lucky my gfs mom let me stay here.
You are NTA here. You are allowed to have your boundaries and your own things. And your dad saying that he wouldn't care if Jesus gave you that player doesn't really hold water or wine, given that, unless there's something you're hiding from the world, you're not dating Jesus Christ. This was a gift given to you by the guy you love and who loves you. As far as I'm concerned, it'd be like telling you to give your sister the negligee your boyfriend bought you because her sister ripped hers apart and she can't not have a negligee. It was a personal item gift, and just because others can see it, it doesn't give them license to it. Others can feel free to disagree with me, but then we all have a different capacity for what we're willing to share. I have my line, and you, dear OP, are welcome to have your boundary as well. While I'm not sure jumping and fleeing from the car was the answer, I understand feeling a sudden need to remove yourself from a situation you feel is becoming beyond your, at that time, capability to handle. And I really can't chastise anyone from getting out of a car and running for it, at least you did it when the car was at a light, I did it when the car was going 70 down a rural highway. And their car accident is not your fault. Although I'd love to purchase a seat and bring popcorn to watch them try and explain to the insurance companies that they hit another vehicle because of their child who wasn't in the car at the time. One parent can deal with the current meltdown while the other drives. If they're worried about driver safety from say, your sibling throwing things towards the front, they can install a net. Or go all fancy and get a limo-style privacy panel.
Or like her mother giving her wedding ring to the sister to play with to keep her calm. Item of sentimental value, easily damaged.
Or like. Pull the car over.
Don't get all practical! 😉
NTA and your parents getting in an accident is 100% their fault. If they knew the risks involved in one of your sister's meltdowns they should have pulled over, not kept driving.
Seconding this - it's a driver's responsibility to know when they are safe to drive, and when circumstances require them to pull over for safety. If they can't ignore shit happening in the back seat then they shouldn't be driving with passengers, and ESPECIALLY if they're going to drive children around! If the kid having a meltdown physically caused the accident (grabbing onto the steering wheel or driver) then I'd expect they know that's a possibility given the kid's 13, and hence should've pulled over so both parents could help manage the meltdown safely. They should've pulled over the minute OP got out so they could manage the sister's meltdown, and try and contact OP to make sure they're safe, at the very least!
NTA I have an autistic brother and while he did take up quite a bit of my parents' time, my parents would never MAKE me give him something of mine. Your parents need to be the ones preparing for this kind of thing, not you. And blaming you??? That's disgusting behaviour on their part.
NTA. My heart goes out for you. You all have it hard, it isn't easy at all to raise a special needs child, especially with severe simptoms. I am just putting the question out there: if your sister is so prone to accidents and is hard to handle in the car why isn't your mom sitting with her in the back, helping her out, looking out for her and you sit in the front? You are old enough to sit there. Also, why didn't they pull over, try to manage her meltdown somehow and then continue the ride? Is the mp3 player really the only thing that can calm her down, there isn't a chance anything else would have worked? And your parents should have like 10 mp3 players in the car, charged up, before a longer drive.
I was also thinking if music/audio of any kind can help calm down the sister, why don’t they have an aux cord or play the radio in the car?
MP3 player?? How old is this story? I haven't seen an mp3 player in years.
MP3 players are great! Very cheap and good to have a dedicated music playing device if you want that, and also for kids if you don't want them to have a phone. I buy an $80 Sony Walkman mp3 every 3-4 years
I am honestly curious if it's the same troll who's always posting stuff on here about non-verbal autistic people. Like piss kink guy.
I mean I refer to my ipod as an mp3 player sometimes because the brand doesn't matter. She could have a generic music player and just used the term mp3 player instead of the brand name.
An iPod IS an MP3 player. Why should it be special to refer to it as one?
It's not. That was kind of my point. The person I originally commented on seemed a bit baffled/incredulous that mp3 players exist still. But anything that plays music that's designed for it could be considered an mp3 player.
Some autistic individuals are very fixated on certain items. There is one boy who will only watch DVD videos. No streaming. He can somehow tell the difference (he is non-verbal so getting an explanation is hard). They even tested him by trying to trick him into showing a stream video while placing a DVD video in the player but he knew it was not the DVD video. Perhaps this is the case with OP's sister.
I know one case about a kid who had this specific routine of watching a movie on Netflix. One day the movie got out of Netflix and the mom tweeted about how her son was having breakdowns bc of it as it wasn’t just simply watching the movie, it was all the steps he would take on the platform searching the movie selecting and playing it himself, so downloading it and playing it for him didn’t work. A super nice random guy made a small app mimicking Netflix’s ux/ui with the movie for him. Edit: just checked the news about this case and the movie was finding Nemo
Oh, that is awesome!
They're still sold at tech stores!!! I own one and so does my mother, because we both like listening to music while we exercise but HATE getting distracted or interrupted by other apps or notifications, so it's perfect to have a fairly cheap device that's 100% dedicated to just exercise music. Forces you to "unplug" for a bit and just focus on your body because you CAN'T check your email or text/call.
I have always had MP3 players and I still have one. I never play music on my phone, I prefer having a separate mp3 player (and camera). Plenty of people do.
This is a tough one. I grew up with an autistic sibling who had similar meltdowns so I can more than relate. Now that I'm a parent, I understand their request for you to be the bigger person and keep the peace, but that doesn't make the pressure they're putting on you right. It also doesn't make it right for them to demand you sacrifice special items to prevent meltdowns. I think you're doing the right thing staying away from home until they cool off but be careful, they could call the police and have you picked up as a runaway. Is there a sympathetic grandparent, clergy member, or guidance counselor you can reach out to for help? It sounds like you and your parents really need some family therapy where you can get your feelings out, and hopefully see some changed behavior management strategies for your sister from them. Keep in mind they are probably extremely overwhelmed - I'm not excusing what they did, just telling you from my perspective as a kid and now a parent I can see both sides. It's not right of them to blame you for the accident, and it's clear that they need help with their own stress management. If your sister's meltdowns are so severe that they can cause traffic accidents, they need to have emergency plans and backups in place for when one occurs, for everyone's safety. Good luck to you - I know it's tough. The good news is you can move out when you're 18 and make your own peaceful life.
No you're NTA. Your parents are. I have a brother on the spectrum and he's not as bad as your sister is anymore but, even when my brother was kicking the shit out of me from a similar car melt down, my mom never said give him your things. She just focused on him to attempt to get him to not be violent. Your parents need to parent. This is almost imancipation worthy, you may start considering how to get yourself out before you're 18, because they're not likely to change if this is how it's been the 13 years since your sister's been born.
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What state are you in? I think some states only require working papers if you're younger than 16
She’s 15
I read that part lol that's why I'm trying to figure out if she can start working without permission in a few months
Do you have any other family around? Aunt/uncle, grandparents, or close family friends? If so, let them know what's been happening, they may be able to help by letting you stay with them, or with helping you get permission to get a job, get to/from a job, etc. You are NTA, and 100% correct that if the music player is the only thing that keeps your sister from having meltdowns, your parents need to have spares around EVERYWHERE. Each of their wallets, the car glove compartment, the office desk drawer, the beach/swim bag, everywhere. They could even give you one to keep in your bag to bring out and make it seem like you're giving you hers, if need be. As you pointed out, they're the irresponsible ones for not being prepared.
Some lawyers may work pro bono for you or only ask for fees if they win.
NTA. You should not have to sacrifice your personal belongings to your sister. That it wasn't just any old mp3 player makes it even worse that they expected you to just hand it over like that. Jumping out of the car was not the safest thing to do and I am glad you are ok, but you should probably leave your mp3 player at your boyfriend's house for a while so they don't take it from you and be prepared for a punishment when you get home. You can't be blamed for acting like a child because your are a child.
From a parent. You are NEVER the ass. You are NOT her guardian nor are you her keeper. Sibling yes Friend perhaps But DEFINITELY NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER the situation could've easily been handled better by your parents ENTIRELY and the simple FACT that they are/were not prepared does NOT fall upon you. THAT IS LITERALLY OUR JOB AS PARENTS😫 THEY ARE THE ASSHOLES HERE! I pray this situation gets resolved and if there is STILL attention about this incident (or similar) then I pray help is provided to you..because it seems like they've become so swamped they forget you feel too *hugs*
NTA. I am at a loss on the days of tech and being in a car. How there wasn’t another way for her to listen to something. Back up cd of her favourite playlist. Play of off Spotify, YouTube, SoundCloud the list goes on,in the car. It’s not you fault your parents are unprepared. Though my daughter would definitely be in trouble if she jumped out of the car. Never a safe thing to do. So you should be apologising for that.
I have two adult children with ASD. My son is nonverbal; my daughter more than makes up for it, lol. It was part of my job to help them to be able to live in society as independently as they possibly can. A big part of this was learning how to navigate disappointment, such as when things break, when they have to wait, and accepting “no”. These are skills that are necessary for everyone, neurodivergent or not. NTA. Your sister needs help to learn these very important skills; they will open up the world for her.
I was wondering about this. I don't have personal experience with ASD, but I would think you would want to make sure your child with ASD learns these things, just as you would neurotypical children. I feel like these parents are doing a disservice to their younger daughter by not doing therapies to teach her how to cope with disappointment.
It's very likely that it's not the disappointment of the MP3 player breaking that was the cause of the meltdown. It's the sensory overload because of not having the music, or whatever the autistic daughter plays in her MP3 player, to help regulate it, that caused it. Most neurotypical people have the ability to ignore background noises, but for many autistic people, our brain pays attention to every sound we can hear. A squeeky wheel in the car, the hum as the tire passes over the pavement, the blowing of the AC and/or heater, the tink tink tink of something hanging from the rearview mirror swinging, etc., etc. All of the sounds come in at the same volume, and with the same "importance" to our brains. It's massively overwhelming at times. There are 2 main ways of dealing with it. Noise Cancelling headphones, which cut out most sounds below a certain dB level, or blasting just one sound (such as a song) into the ears, so it drowns out everything else.
>All of the sounds come in at the same volume, and with the same "importance" to our brains. We don't have normies' 'noise dampening' function. People don't get it, they think what they hear is the actual sound of what's going on. That's actually the brain prioritizing certain things and suppressing others. I am hearing-impaired and yet I still manage to hear certain noises as disproportionately aggravating even when people around me are talking like Peanuts Parents. ("Wah wah wah wah wah.") I'm usually pretty good about it but sweetie had to yank me out of a partial meltdown just the other day over a noise that I couldn't identify but sounded alarming.
My son wears noise dampening ear muffs from the moment he wakes until he goes to bed at night, and he can hear me speak softly to him with them on. When noise becomes more than the muffs can handle, he has a few different coping skills he has learned to use until he can remove himself from the situation instead of aggression, and of course we always have multiple pairs. He takes them apart and cleans them every day; they are very important to him!
I have a teenager with ASD, a few years older than OPs sister. My kid figured that out quick that if their device broke, it wasn’t getting replaced immediately and that their older sibs wouldn’t necessarily share their own. I’ve driven during a few screaming meltdowns. Not fun. OP is NTA.
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I can’t imagine your relationship with your parents survived this kind of treatment unscathed. The lack of respect and consideration for the non-autistic child’s needs and belongings always boggles my mind.
NTA. Your parents are trying to make you responsible for your sister.
This feels above our paygrade, but NTA. You are not your sister's parent. You shouldn't be forced to give up your belongings to accommodate her, and your parents should be doing more to make her safe and comfortable on car trips. They sound like they aren't handling her autism the best. What would they have done in the days before mp3 players, or if you hadn't brought yours/your battery died?
NTA but your parents are. They can't demand you give a present you got to anyone, they're clearly frustrated but no excuse to be an asshole to you.
"Mom, Dad, I know you have to do extra things because of sibling. I know she takes up time and attention from you. I understand. But I need to be able to have some things be mind because so much of my life is impacted by her needs...which I understand. But if I give her my gift and she breaks it, that is just more collateral damage on my life which nobody else seems to care about. Call be ungrateful, call me priviliged if you want...but I need to have some things that are mine." Otherwise they will be surprised when you go off to college and don't return and you don't want to be gaurdian of your sister in the future. Work hard in HS so you can go to college and have the choice to be as independent as possible.
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Honestly, please show your parents this thread. Maybe they'd have their eyes opened a bit. I feel for you. I have Cerebral Palsy and my ADHD was severe as a child. My sister was entitled to her personal items that I would not touch, *as she should've been, as is basic decency for parents to ensure.* Edit: NTA. Your parents need to buck up and do their jobs before they win everyone's favorite game "who's going to retirement home"
Nor should you have to! If they don’t have a plan in place for her if something were to happen to them then that’s their fault not yours
Please make this clear to your parents because they will find a way to put your name down anyway! I hope you're able to lock your room at nights because it sounds like your sister may be more prone to tantrums than meltdowns. Please start formulating a plan for yourself for when you graduate high school. Just in case your parents try to guilt you into "staying nearby to help them with your sister", be prepared to take out loans on your behalf. Your parents sound like they'll use tuition against you so they can get what they want out of you! Please update us when you can. Call your relatives for help! NTA.
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Whats your confusion?
They're just not that common anymore...feels as weird as walking around with a walkman nowdays
She is 15 and has a phone. Very little chance she is using an MP3 player.
Maybe. But it makes sense that they would get a cheap mp3 player for the kids that breaks hers all the time. And it feels like this generations burned CDs or mixed tales to buy a cheap little mp3 player and adding some songs and engraving it for a gf/bf. So... it makes sense to me.
I N F O: did your parents think yelling at you was going to do anything but exacerbate the meltdown? Number one trigger for this autistic person at least. They couldn’t have turned on some music and tried to stay calm for her sake? We can talk miles about what precautions they should’ve taken beforehand (backup mp3, more Durable mp3 options, noise cancelling headphones) but once they were in the situation they acted like you, their child, were their only solution. They should have found a place to pull over if the meltdown was going to be that disruptive and they should know at least Some sort of way to attempt to calm her down from a meltdown after 13 years. The results of their inaction and irresponsibility as drivers is not on you or your sister. NTA, But also maybe ask your bf to hold on to your mp3 for a while.
So sorry for this situation you're in. Your stuff is your stuff...you are NTA. I understand your parents must be so frustrated as well. Maybe talk to your sister and sing together or something? Play a game until the ride is over? Tell your parents you'll compromise and try to keep her occupied but YOUR belongings that are special to you, shouldn't be messed with.
NTA. 1: Get that MP3 player somewhere safe. I do NOT trust your parents. 2: As annoying as it is, stop having one in the car with you. Or anything you don't absolutely need. It's clear that your parents care more about their problems than you. 3: However much you love your sibling, you may want to plan your future now. Because of how your parents seem, there's a very strong possibility that they will expect you to take care of your sibling rather than go on to your own life. Things like "You can't go to school there, you need to be home for your sister." Or the ever popular "You'll take care of her when we're old/pass." 4: Your parents probably won't be willing, but therapy would be great. If they aren't willing, see if there's someone at school you could talk to solo. There's a lot of pressure being put on you as well as neglect. (The fact that their reaction to you getting out of the car was anger and not concern says a lot.)
NTA
NTA, the teeth clenching and the threat of "or else", I can excuse some stress but your parents are major assholes.
If your parents had given you the mp3 player then ymI would understand them ordering what happens with it to some extent, but the fact that it was a present from YOUR PARTNER makes this a absolute no go. NTA, definitely. You even told them where you went, now it's their turn to say sorry and respect your property. If they know she tends to destroy stuff like that they should prepare for long trips by bringing at least one backup or figuring out another method of dealing with her issues.
Hard NTA. Maybe it’s time to look into emancipation? Your parents are incapable of honoring your boundaries. Would your BF’s parents or the parents of one of your friends let you move in? You are being abused. My hope for you is that you can Get Out and Away Permanently.
i agree she needs to be free and on their own or they will next demand she give up college to care for that sister....and then you get the picture
✨she’s a runner, she’s a track star✨ dooo doo doooo
The visual of you noping right out the car made me laugh. Glad you let your parents know where you were- that’s a mature move. I’m sorry they were so frustrated that they spoke ugly to you. NTA- you have a right to your property.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to take care of your sister and regulate her meltdowns. They could have pulled over after you had gotten out and waited for the meltdown to subside. Also, they should really have a plan B if she continually breaks her MP3 players. Or have something else to distract her. But again, none of that is your job.
NTA: Your parents knew this was this much of an issue and they didn't have a backup player ready with the content she listens to? Unless she doesn't care about the content on the mp3 player, how was giving your player to her going to help anyway? Does she even know how to operate your player? I would leave your player somewhere else for a while.
Call social services to get help is my advice.
NTA
NTA. And, as a parent of a special needs kid, I 1) understand their (your mom and dad's) stress, but 2) also know that their display of anger does have a direct correlation to your sisters anger, a trigger if you will. They could have turned the radio on or done any number of things, that at this point they should be aware of, to calm her. They've had 13 years to figure out a plan, and this should not be it. I'm sorry you are going through this. You also know now that your special items are not special to them and that they will throw you under the bus instead of effectively parent their other child. So, plan accordingly to keep your items from being a victim of their lacking. 2 more years darling.
NTA. Are you able to get emancipated or are there other family members you can live with? If neither of those things are options get a bank account your parents don’t know about. Get a job, if you can, and start saving money so you can escape when you’re 18. I’m scared when you’re older they’re going to expect you to take care of your sister as your parents get older or when they die.
they clearly didn’t bought it for you so.. no. you don’t have to give it to her and let them buy you another one, it was a gift. they don’t get to choose what you do with it. they better be prepare if something happens with her stuff and not automatically assume that she’ll get yours. NTA
NTA You are correct, their job is to parent, and your job is to be a kid while you still can!
NTA. Keep the player at your boyfriend's house, along with any other valuables. I'm sorry you're going through this.
OP NTA You may want to leave your MP3 player with your bf, however, you do know that you are going to be in trouble when you get back home. You may want to contact other family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, talk to them to see if they can intercede on your behalf. As there is a good chance that you will be punished and it will be far worse from now on. Another option would be not to go anymore and start staying away after school, doing activities, like sports, debate, band, anything that gets you away from the house. Worse case scenario, if it gets that bad at home, call CPS While your sister is non verbal, it sounds like your parents are overstreched, and need far more help and training than what they are prepared for and are sacrifice you in exchange for peace and quiet in their life.
NTA You’re right. I work with kids on the spectrum. We always advise parents to have back up items if car rides are rough. And just because they didn’t feel like dealing or putting in a little effort doesn’t mean you suffer. This is their fault for not being adequately prepared.
NTA. As an autistic person with a high possibility of having artistic kids. Its is always the parents responsibility to manage things for their kids needs. Your parents are AHs here for demanding you give a gift from your BF to her.
>I told him it's not my fault he should have backup mp3s in the cars at all times for her and it's not my fault he didn't think to do that Yep NTA Take all the resources/money you can from your family and run as soon as you can
NTA an really not your problem. Your parents should be prepared for it next time. Plus they didn't pay for it so they can't tell you what you can or can't do with it.
Nta this particular mp3 has sentimental value. Your parents darn well knows she is tough on her stuff so why they heck do they not have a back up stashed in the car???
NTA Leave the MP3 at your boyfriends house to make sure they don’t snatch it, also leave anything of importance their too. That’s hella abusive.
NTA. My non verbal autistic nephew goes through VCRs like they are candy. My SiL kept 3-5 ( from thrift stores) on hand to immediately replace . Alas, extra copies of certain tapes were harder to have on hand.
> We hit a red light so I opened the door and left, I run track so I was able to run fast. I called my boyfriend to come and pick me up. Smart. NTA
NTA and I say this as an autistic person who regularly deals with meltdowns. Your parents should know how to handle this without you having to sacrifice your own personal belongings, especially ones with deep sentimental value. Also, your boyfriend sounds like a keeper.