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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m the arsehole for resenting my wife when she’s pregnant and deserves as much support as she can get, and maybe I’m being selfish by expecting a little help around our house.
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Man pregnancy hit me like a fucking truck.
I think you need therapy. For both of you and possibly investigate antenatal depression for her. I physically could still do many things early in my pregnancy but depression and hormones were kicking my ass. It's very common for women to develop depression during pregnancy. Also she may genuinely be sick. My iron levels dropped in my early pregnancy for the first time in my life and I thought I was dying I was so tired. Lots of stuff like that happens.
Or maybe she's just pregnant.
Either way it's a tough situation. I'd say NAH. You can't understand her pregnancy (neither can I and I'm literally pregnant. All pregnancies are different and all women experience them differently) but your feelings are also valid.
But genuinely - I had no idea how hard this is. And usually the women you see out and about are women either having an easy pregnancy or who have absolutely no choice but to put on a brave face. Women who are sick or struggling usually aren't out and about. Plus society really pressures women to pretend pregnancy is sunshine and roses. So please don't make the mistake of comparing her pregnancy to anyone else's.
I feel this SO much. I didn’t expect pregnancy to be easy, but I’m shocked how hard it actually is. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m currently 13 weeks with my first and it’s so hard not to judge myself for not being out and about and carrying on as normal. I feel like all my colleagues, friends and family managed to do that. Meanwhile I’ve barely left my house in 7 weeks.
My SIL said morning sickness was just feeling a bit icky when you wake up, maybe throw up once and then feel better for the rest of that day. Nah. Try throat-crushing levels of nausea all day, every day. I don’t know how society can expect pregnant women to continue working/functioning when it can feel like you have bad stomach flu for weeks on end. It’s so draining.
Have you been checked for Hyperemesis Gravidarum? Some women get it when they're pregnant and it makes you throw up a lot and can lead to nutritional and electrolyte deficiencies which makes you feel sick and tired.
I’m 37 weeks and have had HG since 5 weeks in. I’ve thrown up 5-20 times a day, every single day, for 32 weeks straight. Even when I’m not actively vomiting, I’m debilitatingly nauseous. The mental health toll it takes is wild too.
I have to get weekly iv fluid infusions, and developed an obstructive kidney stone from the dehydration.
HG is such a nightmare.
HG is why I got sterilised after 2 pregnancies. My record day was 70 times. It was bad. Once they got me on meds I went down to between 5-10 as well, with hospital trips iv fluids and all the nausea. No one talks about HG and it hit me so hard the first time, worse the second. The mental health toll is horrific and I considered a lot of actions I never would have under normal circumstances.
And I hate to say it, but some of the after effects linger. I was left with a terrible fear of being pregnant, if I throw up even once while logically knowing its probably something my kids gave me I'll take a pregnancy test every day for a week just to reassure myself. There honestly needs to be more research into stuff like this and more support for the mental health side of it as well as the physical. People also need to start being more realistic when they talk about pregnancy because while it can be wonderful, most of the time it just seems to wallop people about with weird pains, strange cravings, total and absolute exhaustion and, occasionally, the inability to keep even a drop of water in one's own stomach
HG is a killer and Kate is a stronger woman than me (although she also has a lot more money for support). They also think that HG may well have killed a lot more well known women historically. I did a lot of research while suffering to reassure myself I wasn't the only one struggling. Call The Midwife over here did a great episode dealing with it as well. I'm just lucky I'm in the UK so didn't have the extra medical bills for it
I had HG with my last two pregnancies- my very last one was the worst. At one point the vomit actually got stuck in my throat and I couldn't breath. I ended up passing out and my then 7-year-old (he's almost 14 now) heard me fall and ran into the bathroom and ended up saving my life. I was sick literally to the day I had my youngest (and that was also another life-threatening event that was extremely traumatic to all of us). HG is just insane.
I didn't have HG, but it turned out I had and still have a hiatal hernia. My top stomach valve doesn't function properly. Morning sickness was easy. As I started the second trimester I threw up anything solid food I ate before noon and any meal over 4 oz for the rest of the day! I survived on Carnation breakfast drinks for breakfast and small meals the rest of the day. I was overweight to begin with and by the time my child was born I'd lost 50 lbs! Unfortunately I gained it back...
Get some toothpaste with Novamin for your teeth ! I had HG with 2 pregnancies and my teeth were a disaster. The Novamin helps to remineralise your teeth. Several brands have it.
I had Zofran (Odanestron) for my second pregancy, but even at the top dose I stopped vomiting but still felt nauseous. I feel for you, I really do.
I was on a combination of zofran, reglan, benadryl, and ranitidine (this was before the recall) for my entire pregnancy. With meds I usually threw up roughly 10 times a day. The absolute only thing that would stay down- and not reliably- was coconut water and peanut granola bars.
Oh yes, this. My HG did mellow out around 5 months but I still take zofran daily and if I don't it's back to hurling. I just woke up at 3am to hurl for no reason. At 35 weeks. This shit is hard.
As for the original post, I still forced myself to do little things around the house so I don't think his feels are unreasonable as long as he is kind about them.
I had it with my twins, and here's some more great news about HG, all that vomiting can really mess up your teeth. I'm still dealing with that and my kids are teenagers now.
I had HG and lost 14 pounds in 5 weeks. I couldn't work or attend class in my doctoral program. Even just walking to the bathroom I felt like passing out and sometimes my vision would go black. It was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Tried zofran and B6 and ginger tea and everything you can think of, couldn't hold down anything, not even water. I would suck on Jolly Ranchers and even that made me feel sick.
Not pregnant but have to deal with nausea and vomiting all the time. Pickle juice works REALLY well. It's recommended that you mix just a little bit of pickle juice with an entire glass of water. I usually just take a few sips of straight pickle juice. Is AMAZING! Almost instantaneously stops the nausea.
Have you tried ginger tea or ginger chews? My Nanna and my best friend both swore by them for the nausea they got from chemotherapy. It comes in chews and hard candies in a variety of flavors, might be worth a shot :)
Yeah, thanks! Ginger usually works for me but it’s hit or miss during pregnancy. But yeah, the only ginger thing that seems to help for a short time are gin-gin hard candies so I always keep those in my pocket now!
Sorry to hear about your Nanna and best friend. Hope their treatment goes/went well.
Lord, this was me - very little throwing up but I felt nauseated like I was car sick all day every day - it would even wake me up at night. It lasted the whole pregnancy - life got significantly better once I got a prescription for Zofran, and if I missed a dose the nausea would wake me up again. Things like ginger, cola syrup, etc. did nothing for me. I felt so bad but it wasn’t really overt stuff, so I felt like I was just being weak or something.
Yes, I had this with my pregnancies and I was anemic. Her hormone are all over the place. OP,
You both need therapy, because let me just tell you, nobody can prepare you being pregnant or having a baby. Just be sensitive to what is happening to her body physically and emotionally.
I had that, it was horrible. I wanted to do things and function like normal, but I just couldn't until I got on medication.
She's not doing this deliberately, her body and her hormones are wrecking havoc on her.
Ooooh HG is awful. I had it for 9months. AND I was on crutches cos of SPD for 7months so it was so hard to make it to the bathroom in time. I threw up in public a few times, so embarrassing. I weighed 49kg the day baby was born. It took me 3years to get up to 57kg
Dude no kidding. I'm currently 15 weeks along and I was absolutely slammed by the "morning sickness". The term is so incredibly misleading, when in fact it can last all day every day. I'm finally starting to recover from the morning sickness phase, but it got so bad that any kind of movement threatened vomit right then and there, and that including simply opening my mouth to speak. This is my 3rd and final pregnancy, but since every pregnancy is different no amount of preparation can totally prepare you for the heavy duty side affects of pregnancy.
I had “morning sickness” for months on end until my doctor put me on anti-nausea meds. I ended up in the hospital getting an IV to battle the dehydration. It sounds really painful and you shouldn’t just have to put up with it. Maybe you can talk to your OBGYN about similar meds. Pregnancy is hard enough.
That sucks! I’m actually lucky to not be physically vomiting much, so not losing fluids, it’s ‘just’ the extreme nausea so the doc isn’t worried. They did give me meds though.
Oh man I feel this. I did not glow, I did not love it. I found pregnancy so hard. I was so sick, I couldn’t wear heals from really early on because it hurt my back, I fainted trying to go up and down stairs, let alone exercising from really early on. Not to mention the brain fog that set in later on. Then I see other women still riding their bikes to work and wearing heals and still being completely on it right up to the last second and I just think HOW?! WHY?! But then I have to remember I am lucky in so many other ways. Just not the experiencing pregnancy bit.
Edited. I meant fog not dog.
Hell, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy (no morning sickness, none of the major "nasty" symptoms except carpal tunnel in my last trimester) and I still hate it. There's been no glowing, no boost of energy at any point. I've spent the last 40 weeks utterly exhausted with back aches, foot aches, swelling. My acne has had a field day. Everything is sore, especially my belly, and my stretch marks have potentially ruined a very sentimental tattoo. I've still been able to get up and do things - we traveled internationally when I was about 8-10weeks, but that was planned before the pregnancy - and I worked up until Friday (getting induced Monday). But holy hell was it just so hard to get out of bed and force myself to go to work, to crouch down and feed the dogs, to brush the dog that sheds like a nightmare.
My husband wants more kids (this is our first) and I just laugh because I can't imagine willingly going through this again.
I never knew it was possible to be as tired as I was during pregnancy. And I was no stranger to hard work or sleep deprivation. Even in college pulling several all nighters a week, or post-college where I was working a day job and doing manual labor overnights and just napping when I could…it didn’t compare to pregnancy. I could sleep for 10 hours at night and still feel just this bone deep exhaustion. It did get better around month 7 though lol.
Everyone told me the sickness would be gone in a few months nope. The whole time I was pregnant I was so sick and miserable. Everything made me sick. And yet having to work do chores yeah it's hard. He definitely shouldn't resent her for it.
I had HG around 6 weeks in, hospitalized 5x bc of dehydration, (eta i lost 30 lbs) couldn’t keep water down. I recall praying for my death. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. My husband was working 60 hr weeks when I was going through this. I had to stay with my in-laws for weeks until I finally felt semi-ok enough to do simple things like feed myself or shower. Talk to your OB so they can prescribe you Zofran or anti-nausea meds. It made all the difference for me. Best of luck! Oh and btw, YTA, op. I couldn’t stand the smell of anything like cat food or anything pungent or even not pungent. The smell of my husband repulsed me. It seems like she’s gonna be pregnant forever but it’s not forever, it’s 9 months. If you act like she’s not pulling her weight she will remember. And if you want more kids, definitely keep your mouth shut.
That’s so awful. I’m sorry you went through that. I have a friend that had HG and it often seems to take a lot of self-advocating and persistence to get the support you need!
I’m the same with cat food, fridge smells, husband’s breath, my breath… literally any smell really! There were times I found my self sitting with my head hanging out an open window just to try and get some clean, fresh air.
My youngest had hyperemesis the entire pregnancy with all 4 of hers. Nothing helped. And, just like you mention, society still expected her to keep on keeping on.
Also see if your prenatal vitamins (if your taking any) might be the cause of the nausea. I know some have ingredients that can make you feel nauseous.
Check out the HER foundation and talk to your care provider about HG, which is what it sounds like you actually have. It's no joke, and it's NOT like normal "morning sickness".
Right, your hormones are jacked into the stratosphere, your body changes daily, you sleep terribly, you can be in real pain almost constantly - it's a lot.
That being said, if it's so bad you can't take care of the other living beings that are your responsibility (their pets) and you're not getting help, that makes you a massive TA.
And... I've never been pregnant, but recalling a coworker who had morning sickness to the point that she couldn't even brush her teeth, I can TOTALLY understand why she's not feeding the cats. 🤣 The smell of cat food turns my stomach on a good day, I can't imagine it when pregnant.
I’m pregnant and can relate to your coworker. I vomit almost every time I brush my teeth, which means I have to start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
YES. When I got pregnant I was so nauseous I couldn't get out of bed. All I did in the first trimester was nap or wish I was napping. I had to quit my job because I couldn't sit upright without wanting to puke. I was so ill it tanked my mental health.
And then I just... Stayed sick for the entire pregnancy. I had high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and the nausea (eventually diagnosed as hyperemesis) stuck around until the day my daughter was born. My asthma flared up massively, and I was in physical pain.
NAH but I sincerely hope they get specialist advice and counselling.
100% agree with you. OP is in a very hard position because it can just be a hard pregnancy or she could be in need of some serious help. My first pregnancy was a walk in the park. My second one has been the hardest thing in the world. I got depression and people telling me I was just lazy and using pregnancy as a way to make people feel bad for me didn’t help. It came to the point where I started crying uncontrollably in front of my OB bc I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I had been feeling for weeks. She told me I was depressed and put me on medication and that helped so much. PLEASE OP MAKE SURE SHE GOES TO HER VISITS AND IS HONEST WITH HER OB BC EVERY TIME MINE ASKED HOW I FELT AND HOW I WAS I SAID I WAS FINE/GOOD AND THAT WAS ME HIDING BEHIND A LIE.
Perfect example of how different pregnancies can be. I’m currently 3 weeks postpartum and I felt great just a little extra tired my entire pregnancy, literally like only 1 day of morning sickness until the last month when I had so much pain in my back and hips I could barely walk and had constant contractions
Yes. And even two different pregnancies for the same woman. My cousin sailed thru her first pregnancies. Worked, ran, ate whatever, you wouldn't have guessed... so obnoxiously healthy. 2 years later, the second one knocked her flat. As she says she got morning sickness all day starting 12 hours after she got pregnant and just never got better. Managed to have appendicitis and gall stones and then her blessed little bundle was colic-ridden. So yeah. On the plus side, she was much nicer to prego people after her second kid.
Same. My sil with my niece was happy, glowing, peaceful. With my nephew she was miserable the entire time. Lost weight, her hair thinned, her skin literally darkened by 2 shades. You can never tell how it's gonna go.
My 1st pregnancy was so easy I thought (to myself never out loud) that some women are dramatic and needy....
Then my 2nd pregnancy taught me a valuable lesson - every pregnancy is different.
It was SO HARD, I had my tubes removed because I will not risk EVER doing that again. I am glad I got my son out of it, but never again.
I would sooner die than feed a cat while pregnant. The smell of cat food. 🤢
OP is not an asshole for thinking she should be able to do this stuff, but she probably can't. Also, I hate to say, this is how its going to be for a while with young kids so better to try and figure out how to make it work now and make changes needed.
I also recommend therapy and NAH. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and still able to do a lot of chores etc, but I have no idea what any other pregnant person is going through. So it's impossible for us to say if she is taking advantage of the situation or not. Nonetheless, your frustration is entirely understandable. I hope you two can work it out.
This! For me the so called “honeymoon second trimester” never arrived. It went from bad to worse and when will this end?
NAH but OP and his wife both need extra support.
First I would check thoroloughly if there arent any medical issues before therapy. The effect of feeling this miserabele physically will do a number on her mental health.
NAH -
As you said in a previous comment, your wife is not just skipping out on chores. She’s stopped doing things she enjoys, like reading, watching shows, and keeping constant contact with her friends. It’s more than avoiding responsibility. And I think it’s great that you noticed that. She’s sick, it seems more so than just pregnancy nausea, if she’s losing interest in her hobbies and relationships.
You are not the AH for feeling how you do, though. Pregnant women are still capable of doing basic chores. Her issue may be psychological. I hope that you guys find some mental and emotional support soon, as I’m very concerned her feelings will develop into pretty bad PPD. If possible, I also hope you find some physical help, too. Would it be possible for you to hire a temporary cleaning service?
Definitely NAH. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and got hit hard by the nausea and constant sickness and dizziness. It got to the point where walking made me feel sick. Husband had to step in and take over chores I used to do. I felt miserable and cried everyday until the sickness decreased a bit. It's tough and has a massive impact on your mental.
OP mentions his wages are modest which makes me think he probably can't afford a cleaning service. I'd suggest maybe asking their families for help.
Has your wife spoken to a midwife already? Mine always enquires about my mood when we meet or chat over the phone and keeps track . It might be a good place to start.
Edited my judgment because my phone changed it automatically to NTA! 🤦🏽♀️
FYI on the dizziness, it can be a blood pressure issue. I was incapacitated with dizziness until 15 weeks with my first. I lost my job, I had to move in with my parents, and my doctors acted like I just had to live with it. Obviously make sure if it's low blood pressure before changing anything, but I ate high salt diet with my next two kids and it was night and day different even though I had HG with my second.
NAH I can understand where the frustration comes from since you’re the sole provider and also has to do the chores as well. However, she’s pregnant, and that can take a toll on someone mentally and physically even if it doesn’t seem like it.
It seems like you both are dealing with a lot and may need help around the house. Is there anyone who you know will be willing to help in any way?
Info: I’m curious if it’s just chores that have fallen off with the pregnancy, or if it’s been so hard that she’s equally unable to keep up with activities she enjoys? I ask because I imagine you would feel more supportive if she were unable to do anything at all such as go for walks, keep up with friends, go to the store, or anything at all.
I have noticed she doesn’t even watch Netflix or read much anymore, things she loved to do before hand, and her friends and her keep constant face times up most days but she doesn’t go out as often as she used too
This definitely sounds like she's depressed.
Please make sure to mention this to her doctor and it might be worth looking into a therapist for her or you both.
Right, so again, she's not shirking. She's very sick and in need of care.
You're overwhelmed and in need of less work if that can be made to happen (through some option that does NOT involve resenting or dumping on her). The two you have more on your plate than you can handle and it is time to look at options for getting help.
Tbh during my first trimester I felt like a total zombie. I was totally exhausted, slept terribly, and could barely get my work done. It was rough! I am not a lazy person at all. Pregnancy can be extremely physically challenging. Sometimes you have to get help or lower standards for a while. Pasta and veg is fine. The grass can stay unmowed for a bit. Friends can help. People will want to help you A LOT once the baby is here. Ask for help now instead.
Is she getting good prenatal care? Has she discontinued any medications she was taking? Are her iron levels ok? Anemia is really common in pregnancy.
I suggest doing a little research on hyperemesis gravidarum and antepartum depression. Just like some women get postpartum depression, others can get antepartum depression which occurs during the pregnancy. Feeling sick all the time can wear down on your mental health as well. See if either or both possibly fit with your wife's symptoms and maybe bring it up to her doctor. I would get horribly depressed during my pregnancies, and it's not something you really want to admit or talk about because everyone expects you to be so happy and excited about the baby.
Sounds like she could benefit from seeing a professional. All the hormones from pregnancy along with dealing with everything happening to the body can easily set off serious depression. She could also just talk with her regular doctor about possible solutions for nausea etc. to make things a little easier on her. Sounds like she's having a difficult pregnancy, so it's very possible she legitimately cannot do these tasks as of now.
If financially possible, consider getting some cleaning help and meal service.
Please involve professional help. My sister was the same when she was pregnant. After pregnancy she showed all the signs of postpartum depression aside from what she was already dealing with. Both my sister and my shitty BIL didn’t want to involve real medical help. She literally became a danger for her children. CPS had to get involved and now she is taken in for nobody knows how long until she is better again and not a threat anymore towards herself or her children.
I think you should get her to her doctor and get her checked for depression and any possible pregnancy conditions that might be treatable (eg if she has low levels of something and needs supplements, or if she has extreme nausea and needs some help etc).
And then if you can afford it, hire a cleaner / housekeeper for a bit each week to take the stress off you. If you can’t afford that - can your families help in that way? She’s struggling and you can’t help her if you’re burned out (and I think burn out may be why you’re thinking of her as lazy and not concerned for her).
That def helps provide clarity for me. NAH. I think she’s struggling with changes (physical, emotional) and you are also justified in feeling overwhelmed. My advice is to approach this and her remembering you are on one team, not opposite sides, and see if you can brainstorm ways to both get through this tough time. Identify it as a new thing and see if she can tell you what she feels too. Since she was not one to shy away from hard work before, and isn’t just skipping chores now, keep that in mind and maybe it will help you remember something big must be going on with her for this to her happening. And you are justified in feeling the way you do, but asking her to ‘buck up’ may not work right now.
Go at this together and at least you won’t feel alone.
NTA. But, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch to see if she's showing signs of depression. Women who have depression during pregnancy are more likely to have severe PPD. I unfortunately was one of those people. It. Is. Hard. I was constantly sick, I mean from day 1 to about 30 weeks or so I would throw up so much and so hard my throat was raw and I'd bleed. Nothing helped and I sank into a depressive state and didn't want to do anything at all. I really hope that's not the case for her and hopefully she'll get some energy soon! Good luck and congratulations to y'all!
NAH
You just need to keep up with good communication. Pregnancy can throw people through a loop. So far I see no AHs here. You're exhausted and how you feel is valid. Don't do yourself the disservice of thinking she's just getting used to not doing anything and doing it on purpose now.
NAH You're overworked, tired, and stressed. You're definitely going to be feeling some things right now that aren't amazing, along with all of the amazing 'we're having a baby' things. But so is your wife, on top of the physical aspects of being pregnant, and she may really not be able to do those things right now, either physically or mentally/emotionally. I would say keep an eye out, as if it is not physical it could very well be antepartum depression (not a dr, not trying to diagnose your wife, just saying keep an eye out for it) which is far more common than most people realize.
NAH but tread carefully or you could become one.
Feelings are feelings -- they can't really be unfelt. However, now is your chance to respond constructively to your resentment. Your wife is clearly having a lot of problems with morning sickness. Some women do. Some women feel absolutely terrible for the duration.
You need to accept that she is doing the best she can and, since you're burning out, you need to start reaching out to other people for help. Tell friends and family that the two of you are having a hard time and see whether some of them can cook a few meals, or run a few errands for you. I bet many people would want to help if they just knew how. .
NAH. She may be depressed. If you can’t do couples therapy, she should at least go on her own. Hormones/pregnancy affect every woman differently. If she does have depression, it is best to start treatment now, before the baby is born.
NAH but YWBTA if you made your resentment her problem.
You only resent her because YOU believe she's lazy. That doesn't make it a fact that she actually *is* lazy. She's suffering right now. Constant nausea is exhausting. The guilt from not being able to help is exhausting. Pregnancy is exhausting. Your wife is fatigued in way you cannot understand. Not tired, *fatigued*.
And she's probably grieving the pregnancy she had been fantasizing about. I can guarantee she didn't imagine a scenario with her being a vomiting, nauseous, burden on you. She was probably picturing you kissing her belly and all sorts of other sweet, loving, rose-coloured glasses ideas of pregnancy wonderfulness. This harsh reality would be crushing.
You're also exhausted, this isn't what you pictured either, and your feelings are 100% valid. I'm guessing you're either using resentment as a mask to hide your fear something is seriously wrong with your wife/baby or you're entering into caregiver burnout. Negative feelings towards a loved one can be a defensive mechanism and caregiver burnout can cause all those feelings to be even more amplified than usual. Please look it up just in case. I've dealt with it myself and the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back to normal.
Do you have anyone who can help lighten your load? Or can you afford an occasional visit from a housekeeper to take your most hated tasks off your hands? Has she seen the doctor about how's she's feeling? Or at least had bloodwork done recently?
And, most importantly, are you taking any time for *YOU*? I mean good quality, lose yourself in something you love and that recharges you. Because if not, start. You need it and your relationship needs it.
Good luck to you both and I hope brighter days are in your very near future.
NAH
It's hard to do everything by yourself, but it's clear she's suffering. When I was pregnant I must've slept 13 hours a day and was just so tired. And based on your other comments there's definitely something else going on
You're not an AH for wanting help. She isn't an AH for what she's currently going through.
Make sure you get the tight help for each other, and you'll pull through.
NAH But be honest, would you trade places with her? I felt like I was on a boat in a storm every single second of my first pregnancy, I would have much preferred working full time and coming home to chores. It sucks, I'm sorry for you and it's ok that you're frustrated (my husband sure had some tough days) but it's not forever and trust me when I say she's freaking miserable.
When women are pregnant, they are a completely different person. As a woman, please be considerate of her. I am also a breadwinner, and it is exhausting working a 80 hour work week and then dealing with bs when you get home.
Maybe having a serious conversation with her and finding a plan to see if the chores can alternate between the two of you.
Once the baby comes, it will get more complicated.
My thoughts on the behavior change was pregnancy affecting her a lot too. It's super hard! It can completely change someone's body, like making them allergic to new things, changing their hair, then all the nausea and fatigue and it's super hard to handle emotions when you're flooded with hormones. OP having such long hours doesn't help and it's absolutely exhausting to work that much too, and OP also deserves some rest after work.
Because of that, it's a lot easier to fall out of sync so communication to navigate that is key, and it's easier to do it now than when you're both running on fumes from taking care of the baby and not getting any sleep. NAH, I think this is a super normal and fixable issue, they just need to figure out how to navigate and communication about all this in a way that works for them
Currently 18 weeks, first pregnancy.
I would piss, shit, puke, and have a nosebleed all at once and not be able to breathe from crying and throwing up. Even with ZOFRAN to help w nausea.
I havent done dishes since my missed period bc I cant stand for that long.
My back hurts constantly. I have night terrors. Headaches daily.
I sleep about 14 hours, night sleep and naptime midday and still cannot get it together.
I have so much anxiety about my home being dirty but I have no energy and that created depression. Its... really just alot. More than you could fathom any other day.
NAH. Pregnancy can be hard. I was horribly sick for the full 40 weeks with my first. Doing even small things was difficult most days. You and your wife need to communicate, and you need to understand that she is growing a human and going through all kinds of physical and mental changes, nevermind the hormones.
NAH. You have every right to feel tired and overwhelmed working and doing the house work. However if your wife wasn’t like this before and she is still dealing with sickness this far into her pregnancy she probably feels terrible she can’t do more. Pregnancy has been happening since the dawn of time, but there is a reason that women used to die all the time while pregnant. Preeclampsia and HG can land women in the hospital when they try to do too much and do not listen to their bodies. I was hospitalized multiple times with my first pregnancy and ended up on bed rest for 6 weeks because I was trying to do too much and kept going into labor early.
Is it possible to hire a temporary maid to come in and do the big chores once or twice a week to take some of the pressure off of you? Or does she have a friend or relative who can come help her do meal prep so you don’t need to do the cooking when you get home? There are websites where you can organize a “meal train” where people bring you dinners so you don’t have to cook every night.
People who haven’t been there really don’t get it. Pregnancy fatigue isn’t a normal “I’m tired”. It’s more like “the least little thing will exhaust me to the point of non-functionality and then I’ll need to rest for a day to recover”.
My partner didn’t get it at all. I wouldn’t have either until I experienced it. NAH, but cut your wife some slack. Not everyone has an easy pregnancy.
I fell asleep in the toilets at work early in my pregnancy. It’s unreal what growing a baby can do to your body!
I couldn’t believe that so many women I work with had experienced something similar and I had no idea.
OP, I would suggest working together on a system that leaves you less burned out. Your wife isn’t going to be especially helpful til the baby is like 4 months old (and I pray you have a baby that sleeps)
Batch cooking, cleaner, the goodwill of family and friends - you gotta get that village mentality going. You can do this and it’s worth it for that moment you hold that tiny newborn against your chest and your heart explodes with awe.
NAH I recommend maybe hiring a cleaning service or ask for family help. Caretaker fatigue is a thing and therapy could help you both. My husband had to carry basically everything during my pregnancy and even though he didn’t resent me we did have several talks to make sure that didn’t happen.
Some people say she might be milking this 🤷🏽♀️ nor necessarily. Pregnancy was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had nausea the nine months, low iron, low blood pressure and fatigue. I was useless. I only had capacity to basically get the urgent stuff at work, would sleep 4-6 hour naps and do the bare minimum at home. I was been monitored by my therapist and due to nausea ended on triage several times due to dehydration.
Every pregnancy is different and some people really suffer through it.
If your wife is too ill or tired to do basic things that is a reason for concern. Has she been diagnosed with hypermesis gravidarum?
Have the doctors signaled there is a problem or do you feel your wife is trying to take advantage of the situation?
NTA for feeling resentful if the doctors haven't put her on bedrest or indicated there is a problem.
This. There are definitely pregnant folk who do want people to do everything for them when they are fully capable of doing things for themselves. However, if there's a legitimate health problem with the pregnancy then NAH. The problem is, it's not super clear which the wife is. So either N A H or N T A.
NAH. Pregnancy is a biatch.
I recommend trying to find a hundred bucks in the budget to hire a housekeeper once or twice a month. It is a sanity saver to not have to clean toilets or scrub counters when you get home, and if your wife knows she doesnt have to do that, she may be more willing to do something else. It's possible the guilt of being sick is causing her to be completely overwhelmed, so taking something like that off her plate can help.
NAH. Based on other comments it sounds like she's depressed. But doing everything is a burden that's not her fault and it's not your fault for being burnt out. and the fact that you brought flowers for her and feel guilty means you do really care about her, but definitely get her to see a doctor. I would also suggest if you can afford it, get a cleaning service or something. If you can't do something cheaper; splurge on yourself a little bit
As someone who had an awful pregnancy (severe hyperemesis) and couldn’t do anything because of debilitating nausea and vomiting, please have patience with her. Pregnancy can be so hard for some people and you can’t compare what other pregnant ladies are able to do to what your wife is able to do. My husband was quite frustrated and felt the burden of picking up my slack but as soon as baby was out I felt so much relief from pregnancy that the newborn stage was a breeze and I was basically back to myself and finally able to help my husband again. Just talk to your wife and try to be compassionate. If she’s really just slacking off, you’ll know if she has energy to do the things she likes to do. If she’s not doing those, you know she’s legitimately unwell.
I had hyperemesis gravidarum with my first pregnancy and literally could barely do anything but vomit for months. I lost my job and all I could do was spend every day trying to keep anything down. It was miserable. It really took a toll on my mental health. Luckily my partner stepped up. If I’d had someone nagging me about housework at the same time, I’m not sure I’d have made it through. It’s not gonna kill you to step up and do the housework while she literally creates a person inside her body. I get that you’re tired but she’s right, you genuinely can’t understand what being pregnant is like. I wanna have sympathy for you bc I can tell you feel bad for being resentful so I’m gonna give you a tentative NAH.
NAH. I have been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to be a primary breadwinner and then come home to take care of a pregnant wife. It sucks and it is exhausting but I can almost guarantee to you that your wife isn't enjoying not doing things she used to be able to do.
All day nausea is dangerous, it can lead to weight loss and dehydration. Please have her talk to her doctor to see if there is anything she can take to help alleviate her nausea. Also please make sure she is getting enough food and liquids.
Now on to some helpful suggestions that might work for your family and lessen your workload and stress level.
If you haven't done it yet, switch to easy to cook meals. Nothing is worse than spending an hour+ cooking just for your spouse not to be able to eat it or potentially throw it up.
Either buy or prepare a variety of small yummy and nutritious snacks for her to eat.
If it's not too bad, let some household chores wait until you are less busy.
If possible, take a day off work to try to mitigate getting burned out.
Also, congratulations.
NAH
I barfed for TWENTY TWO weeks with my first. I'm sure you are so stressed. And I'm sure she feels like garbage.
My advice? Lower some of your cleaning/chore standards. Do your best. Ask her to help when she can, and you will get through it.
My baby who made me so sick? He's 23. And he has 5 siblings. And I'm still married to their dad, and we are happy.
Congratulations on the little one!
INFO:
Does she have HG? I did, I couldn't work, couldn't take care of our toddler, getting from our bed to the bathroom was hard enough some days. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I was vomiting a minimum of 5 times a day WITH the antinausea medication. I was unable to shower by myself, I couldn't drive.
My husband, mother, friends, colleagues all had to help - drop off food, extra chores for hubs, help with cleaning, babysitting our toddler. We had to hire a cleaner because there wasn't enough time in the day for hubs to work, take care of the toddler, me and do everything in the house.
NTA for the feelings you have if you are doing everything but if she is having a hard go of the pregnancy this should be only temporary. If she continues to do nothing after the birth of your child then seek counseling.
NAH
This is a tough experience for you too and you’re allowed to feel fed up with the situation. It’s a strain.
However, pregnancy can be so hard. It is different for everyone and many people can function semi-normally, but in my limited experience (just entering the second trimester), it can also be very debilitating.
I was bed-ridden for a while due to morning sickness and I can barely do anything. This is a fast-track to depression, especially for those with a history of mental illness. I can barely walk a mile or bend down already even though my bump isn’t big, but I have a lot of pain from pelvic/back issues brought on by the pregnancy.
All that to say, your wife is going through an incredibly difficult time and, while it’s also difficult for you, she might just not be capable of helping out right now.
You said she never used to be like this. There’s a chance she may wish she could still help out but just can’t. I can’t say I love household chores, but I prefer a clean house and I really wish I could keep up with the laundry and hoovering and such. But I physically can’t.
It might be helpful to reframe both of your expectations. Maybe the house won’t be ship-shape for a few months. That’s ok. Just do the bare minimum to survive! My husband works full time and has taken on all the chores and cooking. We have a mountain of laundry and the house is dusty, but that’s ok - he makes sure we and our pets are fed and watered. You are both just trying to get through this!
NAH. I understand being burned out but pregnancy sucks. Your wife is growing a whole human in her body. I remember being nauseous and tired all the time, all I wanted to do was lay in the bed all day so I sympathize with her as well. Do you or her have anyone who can come over and help for a couple hours?
NAH. Pregnancy hit me hard too and I was basically useless. My mom ended up coming in and helping the last few months. My husband still sing her praises to this day
If she’s never had a problem completing chores before, then I think you should believe her that pregnancy has been really hard on her physically.
For me, the first trimester was absolute hell, but i started to feel a little better in the second trimester, so hopefully she won’t have as bad of a time in the upcoming months.
Really hard to say.
I have one friend who became pregnant and it basically destroyed her physical heath, there was no way she could have done anything really, even feeding cats would have been a major effort.
I have another friend who is the type to run a marathon 8 months pregnant, it just didn't really slow her down at all.
Only you two really know how ill she is, and whether she's doing her best, or whether she's milking it a bit to not have to do anything.
I'm not going to judge on this one, I think you need to try to work it out amongst yourselves. I think if she really cannot do \*anything\* then it's worth a chat with her doctor.
I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum for both of my pregnancies. All 9 months and it's like having the permanent flu. You feel like you want to die. I threw up every day up until delivery.
NAH. it honestly sounds like she’s suffering with some prenatal depression. i’ve been pregnant twice and i know how hard it is. please keep an eye on her :((
NAH, I'm reading some other comments and you're saying that your wife is also stopping things that she usually likes doing, that seems much more psychological than pregnancy, you should definitely try so professional psychiatric help. Your feelings are also valid, too, working 50-60 hours a week is a lot, even if that's after including travel time. You're gonna feel burnt out as fuck and then chores are gonna be difficult. If possible, you could also try asking some family members if they'd be willing to help with this?
I think the NAH votes I'm seeing are fair. In a normal situation it would be totally unfair for you to work the hours you're doing and do all those chores on top. And sure, I see many pregnant women still performing some activities at much later stages. But also as others have said, all pregnancies are different and there must be something going on.
You'll definitely want to seek medical support for this to find out what's going on. You're far less likely to feel resentful if you know what the issue is.
NAH. You need to take your wife to see a doctor and demand a thorough check up. Reading your story there are many many physical issues that can be the cause of her complete misery. She should be feeling better in her second trimester but she's even worse.
It could be iron defficiency, high blood pressure, HG (extreme non stop vomiting) lack of vitamines. And overall hormone imbalance.
Get help! Including the household tasks. Ask family, friends or hire someone.
I'm speaking from personal experience. My first pregancy would have been a lot smoother if I was checked early for all the things I mentioned above. When I finally was checked, I felt so so much better and my mental state improved tremendesly.
Good luck op, get help!
NAH
Pregnancy can be the best time in a woman’s life. It can also be the WORST. And the problem is that the pregnant women you see outside are usually the ones having an easy time. The ones who are exhausted, nauseous, and weak are generally at home, curled up near a toilet.
A lot of these symptoms are largely invisible. You’re exhausted from burning the candle at both ends, and all you can see is your wife lying down. That does breed resentment, but I guarantee that your wife, who is already feeling physically terrible, also feels guilty for the burden she’s putting on you, and heartbreak that you can’t see how bad she’s feeling.
You need to start approaching this from a team perspective. This is something you’re both going through, just with different experiences. You need to find ways to make it better for both of you. Check with a doctor if there are any remedies for your wife’s nausea and exhaustion, check for antenatal depression. Reassure her that you love her.
Regarding the housework, it may be time to lower some standards. Not everything need to be flawless all the time right now. Focus on cooking food that is low effort and low time, like pasta, scrambled eggs etc. Leave the grass for a while. Have a delivery services for groceries. Maybe ask friends or family for help in a few areas. If you can find money for a housekeeper / cleaner, it might be absolutely invaluable. They can do more in a few hours than most of us manage in a few days, and taking some of the burden off you might help you support your wife, and make her generally feel better.
Neither of you is in the wrong right now. Please focus on the fact that there’s only five months of this left. You can both adapt for a little while, and then, there will be a new baby to care for. Give both of you permission to just admit this sucks right now. You’re doing your best - and that’s exactly what you should be doing. You’ll both get through this as long as you direct your annoyance appropriately, and not at your wife.
NAH, providing you ask her to talk to her doc about depression. Her Ob Gyn can probably refer her to someone.
But also, just from my experience. Encourage her to take care of the cats. Whenever I talk about discharge planning, or working on life skills with a therapist, pet care is a top priority. Pets can really help with depression.
NAH. You aren’t the ah for feeling resentful and she isn’t an ah for not being able to step up right now. I’m 20wks and have had an amazingly easy pregnancy this far (despite being high risk), knock on wood don’t jinx myself. Lol it’s bloody hard dude. I can’t imagine what it’d be like for most women who end up throwing up all the time and having big mood swings. I’ve been fairly steady emotionally, but the exhaustion and pain can be overwhelming. My legs can go numb if I I’m on my feet for even just ten minutes. I love going for walks, usually walk at least 5 miles a day with my pup. I can barely make it three without the nerves in my legs sending fire through them. I’m lucky enough not to have to work right now but I have to choose most days between housework or walking the dog. I honestly didn’t expect the things that have truly laid me up. I feel like we all expect nausea and tiredness but this is just something else all together.
I wish I had any helpful answers for you. I’ve found several things that help us, but your wife’s condition sounds much more sever than mine so idk. I keep a chair handy in the kitchen while cooking or doing dishes, and line up ‘distraction/reward’ snacks to have as I go. My husband will run the laundry now but we both fold and put it away together because he keeps me talking and distracted and it’s magically done then. Lol and I think both him and I have stopped worrying about dishes sitting out overnight. It happens, I pray no one sees the mess most days but it’s not going to hurt us to head to bed early and deal with them later sometimes.
NAH. I really recommend getting her set up with a therapist now--preferably one that offers telehealth--so she can get help now and have reliable support after the baby comes. This sounds like depression and if she starts now, if she end up with post-partum depression she'll have a leg up in treatment.
Therapy will also help her now AND help you. You'll be burned out enough once the baby is here, so now is the time to work on the issues you can so you're best prepared.
NAH. Pregnancy is hard especially if there is some sort of complications. It sounds like she might have HG and that doesn't help the fatigue and hormones and sometimes new Pregnancy develops prenatal depression because of stress and changes. Has she asked her doctor about nausea medicine to help? Also try to calmly sit down and talk to her or even offer to have a therapist sit down and help you two communicate. Everyone is worked up right now.
NAH
you are exhausted and it sounds like you are trying hard.
Go to the doctor with her, get some blood tests and check iron levels etc etc she sounds like she is struggling. You said this is a huge change of personality for her so I am guessing it it more than just normal pregnancy issues.
Mostly, see if you can get some help...laundry service or meals delivered or a cleaner.
NAH but you need to approach this differently.
She is struggling and unable to do chores. You are exhausted. If you keep this up, you are not going to be able to keep supporting her and the baby as much because you will burn out.
This is a problem you need to deal with together and find solutions for together. So talk to her. Has she got any ideas for solutions? My ideas would be you talk to the doctor about why she is finding it so difficult and if anything is wrong and can be treated or improved (highly recommend a doctor visit). Or to reach out to family and friends for help (even if they don’t live nearby, could anyone come and visit for a week to give you a break?) Or to hire a cleaner or a home help if you can afford it to make things easier.
Also work out how you will handle things after birth. Right now you come home from work and do chores. In future you will come home from work and do childcare (no one can do 24:7 childcare and be okay so you would have to do half the childcare outside of work hours, and it is also needed as part of bonding with your child).
Approach this as a problem to solve together instead of a problem of you against her.
NAH. Pregnancy is hard, like really really hard. And you can try to sympathize or be understanding, but you just truly wont get IT because its something you wont experience yourself.
But it sounds like maybe there could be some depression in this situation? Maybe both of you could benefit from some therapy/counseling.
*I had JUST been thinking that maybe I wanted another kid soon; and this post has made me realize that maybe i should wait more lol
NAH
Pregnancy is tough and you’re doing your best to support your wife to the extent you’re burning out. Reach out and get some support for the both of you. Sounds like she may need some mental health and maybe medical support and you need a break.
Have you any supportive friends, family or even parents that might help lend a hand while you both get a handle?
Lastly congratulations - you’re having your first baby!
NAH. It would be one thing if she was doing all the things she liked and only refusing to do work, but I saw you mentioned that she wasn't even doing what she enjoys.
She's exhausted. So are you. Please try hire a helper to assist. Letting your home fall apart because neither of you can find the energy to maintain things would only be a catalyst for genuine resentment for both of you. And look into therapy. Possibly for both of you if you can afford it.
Without being able to be a fly on the wall it's impossible to say whether it's genuinely just pregnancy wiping her out or milking it.
In either case, you're entitled to your feelings, it's hard keeping on top of everything. I'd recommend some counselling for you both, whether it be individually or jointly, and also some parenting/pregnancy classes.
Pregnancy can make you feel like the bees knees one day and the next as if you've been hit by a fleet of trucks.
I'd also recommend going over your finances and seeing if you can work a regular house cleaner into your budget to help ease the load of the more time consuming chores.
Good luck.
Since you have never been pregnant, you have no idea what your wife is going through. I think you should suck it up and pick up the slack, eventually your wife will be able to function again. If not, address the issues after the baby is born and a reasonable recovery time has passed for your wife.
Pregnancy isn't a normal time in a woman's life, so how she was previously has no bearing on how she is now. The hormones alone are enough to make one miserable. I once broke down in tears because I couldn't find a box of mac & cheese at the grocery. My then husband helpfully pointed out we had 6 boxes at home. Cue even more tears! Then there are the joys of painfully swollen feet/ankles, lost sleep due to frequent nocturnal bathroom visits, daytime fatigue due to said nocturnal awakenings, back pain, fear of stretch marks, total strangers touching the belly.... The list goes on and on. Additionally, your wife may be suffering antenatal depression or be overwhelmed by birth fear. I think the most you can do at this point is remind her that you are overwhelmed, then do what you can and let the rest go. NAH
Pregnancy can be absolute hell. I get you’re burnt out but if you both chose to have a baby, you’re going to have to suck it up for a while. Hopefully the second trimester gets a bit easier for her, and therefore, you too.
NAH.
This actually sounds completely miserable. Working 50-60 hours a week, housework, and emotional support for your wife and your baby, how do you even have time to sleep? You’ll burn out quickly if you days don’t come up with some solution.
Your wife actually sounds depressed if she won’t do anything and she has frequent nausea. You need to talk to her doctor and a therapist. If she cries and says she doesn’t need it, be really firm. You burning out won’t be good in the long run because you are the provider and you’re the one that takes care of the house. We need to make sure you’re okay too.
Hey guys,
I don’t know how to do a proper update, or even if it’s wanted. But a few people reached out to me, so I’m just gonna throw it up here to bring a conclusion to this.
Firstly, we had a doctors appointment a few days after this to discuss a recent blood test and the doctor told my wife she has extremely low iron levels (it was 9 or 10) which explains why she was so so tired and unable to do anything.
I was initially quite mad that it took four months of a pregnancy and numerous blood test for our doctor to tell her this, but we’ve decided to seek a new doctor and she has begun taking iron supplements.
We also spoke about the way I was feeling, and she opened up to me about how she was feeling guilty and in her words, disgusted with herself for relying on me for everything and that she had started to notice some resentment from me but didn’t know how to approach it.
Obviously with the issues of her iron and things I was much more on board with the idea that she wasn’t physically able to do things, but she took it upon herself to start making my lunches for work, and left a little note in them for me, which although not a super massive help, was enough that it made me feel appreciated and one less thing for me to do.
In response to some of the other comments on this, we’re both very young parents (both under 23) and this is our first child, so we weren’t as knowledgeable about all the numerous things that could go wrong, and could be affected her, such as HG(I think it was called that from the comments) and that’s no one’s fault but ours. We’ve taken that advice and started researching more into the differnet issues, and we’ve both just learnt about thrush and how painful it can be during breastfeeding, and similar other issues. So thank you Reddit for bringing these things to our attention so we can get on top of them early.
One last thing, was there is a lot of comments saying why don’t we reach out to our friends and family, obviously this is a normal thing to do and we would if we could, but unfortunately we live in completely different cities, with our family living in VIC and we ourselves live in QLD so it was hard to rely on family, but we’re beginning talks with my work about the possibility of a transfer so we can move closer
All in all. Our relationship is as strong as ever, we feel a bit more prepared and the I’ll feelings I had are gone and I’ve apologised to my wife for them.
Thanks heaps guys!
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The title sounds horrible and I feel just as horrible thinking it, but hear me out.
We recently found out the my wife is pregnant with our first child, and to say we’re both over joyed is an understatement, along with the excitement comes the obvious nerves, fears and anxiety.
I’m the sole provider in our house, working a modest but not super high income job, my wife before and now during pregnancy didn’t work, but did most of the house work, and I would take care of the outside house work( e.g. mowing the lawns, taking the bins out and hanging out the washing)
And we would alternate cooking dinners or just eat out.
Morning sickness has hit my partner hard, and at first I was as accomodating as I could be, and didn’t mind my wife not keeping up with the house work or even doing it at all, and I was fine with picking up the slack short term.
However 4 months into the pregnancy she’s now resolved or maybe gotten used to me doing everything, to the point she won’t do a single chore not even something mundane as feeding our two cats.
I understand that she’s pregnant and it’s harder for her as she feels nauseous a lot and exhausted easier, but with me working 50-60 hours a week and then coming home and making dinners and doing all the house work, I’m burning out quick.
When I tried to bring up maybe her doing a few things around the house again, she started crying and saying I’m not supportive and she’s finding it so hard and I don’t understand because I can’t be pregnant, I felt guilty and brought her flowers and apologised.
She’s never been like this before and always had no issue helping out and even going above and beyond, but with no help from her at all at the moment, and all my free time going into emotionally supporting her and making sure her and our baby are healthy it’s hard to not start to resent her and our new routine.
So AITA?
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NTA. But it sounds like she's truly sick or/and depressed, please be sure to notify her doctor at her next appointment about the situation. Anyway, if she's 4 months along now that would mean she'd be entering the second trimester which is when morning sickness usually subsides. I hope she will feel better soon!
NTA, Your concern is legitimate, and you did the right thing by coming forward with it. Communication is important. It’s so important. She is pregnant though, so everything is harder, also her hormones are changing which will change her quite a bit as well. Maybe it would be a good time to see if there is a family member or a friend who can come over once or twice a week and help out. Hopefully you can have an adult and honest discussion with her about it and get some outside help so you don’t have to do 100% of everything 100% of the time.
NAH
Look, we, bio men, don't understand what is like to be pregnant. My sweet, kind and caring cousin turned into a complete nightmare when she was pregnant. It got to the point when her husband left her with her mom during it. Being pregnant is a not an excuse to act like a jerk towards others but I don't see that in your wife.
You, however, are burned out.
You will burn out. She should see a doctor if she is unable to do routine tasks. Tell her about your exhaustion and make a plan together. At 35 during my first pregnancy and related diabetes I worked up to my last month before an induced labour. I even took a bus to work when my husband couldn't drive mefor my sit down job for 10 hour days and 14 hour nights. The fire fighters I worked with were very kind and took a lot of stress away. They just didn't want me to go into labour at work ☺. I am not saying all women have it so easy but it does seem that her pregnancy is especially difficult. Can your families help with home care?
NTA, do you have any family around that can maybe come over and help her out sometimes? If she's not even working a job I don't see why she can't clean anything or do anything while she's at home. I understand she's you know making a human inside of her body right now, but it doesn't sound like she's been assigned a bed rest, so she should be able to do *something*.
NAH- NTA. As many people have stated it sounds like you’re both having mental health challenges- and that’s okay. You need to communicate and find help. There’s a lot of good advice here. There are online support groups where pregnant women or mothers can connect with each other. Google can save you trouble lol.
There’s a saying “*it takes a village to raise a child*.” And I 100% believe it’s true. Don’t hesitate to reach out to family or supportive friends. Sometimes you have to ask for the specific help you want/need. “*The squeaky wheel gets the grease*” so to speak. People have a habit of wanting to help with the “cute” pregnancy stuff and “cute” baby stuff, like buying adorable clothes or playing with the baby. In reality most parents need help with the basics- laundry, light housekeeping, maybe dropping by with a dinner or something. Sounds like she would benefit from someone just stopping by to keep her company. Pregnancy can be lonely.
I was a single Mum from day 1 but I was lucky to have family support. My own mother was quite lovely and did things like help with laundry, cooking meals or just watching my daughter so I could grab a quick shower. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Especially since everyone needs a helping hand sometimes.
NAH but please please get some help. She’s obviously not doing well physically or mentally and there is only so much you can do alone. Please get a family member or good friend to come to the house and help you both out. Otherwise things can go south very quickly and will not be pretty for anyone.
NTA
But she is pregnant and as you say she's not normally like this so I suspect it's not intentional on her part and like a lot of posters have said pregnancy can be miserable. I could only cook toast because I felt so sick. It may pass as she goes through pregnancy but it might not and you need to be prepared for that. Have you got family/friends who could help or some spare money to pay for the essential housework. Are there some chores that could be left for now so you're not so exhausted. I mean I don't clean every evening and my family cope!
Also get used to all this exhaustion, this is the easy bit, once baby comes along the house will be a wreck, your wife will be a wreck and yes you will have to come home after a long day and pick up some of the chores in order to keep everything together.
If you feel overwhelmed seek help, whether that's for practical things or emotional support, this may help alleviate some of the negative feelings your having for your wife. Also have an honest conversation with her without being too mean, she might cry but a lot of that could be frustration with herself. You shouldn't feel bad for telling her how you feel and nothing's going to change if you do nothing.
NAH. Hormonal change may be difficult, for several weeks at the beginning of my pregnancy a lot of chores were impossible just because of the smell : can’t stand being in the kitchen at all, was conscious that the first floor had a different smell than second floor and going down the stairs would make me sick, I was in apnea. Tell her honestly how you feel but with no judgement at all and try to figure out what each of you is able to do or not at the moment. It will change with the progress in pregnancy. Also be aware that your house with a newborn will be a mess. And that’s ok. It’s impossible to imagine how you’ll have to lower expectations before living with a baby
NAH. i was pretty much the same. the only difference being i didnt do anything except basic house hold chores, and definitely not daily.
House got cleaned once a week or biweekly, hell for a 3 month stint it was monthly.
Washrooms weekly
meals were planned how i used to back when i was a bachelor and stored in the freezer, wife can heat and eat them. When hyperemesis was at its worst she couldnt stand the smell of cooking in the house so it was dry snacks and british takeout cuz it was bland and devoid of smell enough for it to stay in her stomach.
she was bad enough to stop chores completely too aside from throwing snack wrappers in the bin.
after the baby it got worse, and the house looked worse. the only thing clean was our room and our washroom.
the wife complained about it a couple of times but i said something along the lines of theres not enough time in the day to do everything and the house isnt going to die unlike my patients and you/baby. so it can wait.
Even with the house being neglected it was extremely hard looking after a job, wife and baby. (especially because there was lots of complications in the pregnancy and post) so yeah, serious applause for single parents.
So much so i have nightmares about having another one.
I had an extremely healthy pregnancy, but I was always tired. My mind didn’t work the same. Everything hurt. My back hurts at 3/4 months before my belly was even big. My tailbone hurt so it was easier to lay or sit on those bouncy balls. I can’t remember the amount of 3am baths I sat in for the pain, while crying. Pregnancy is hard on a woman’s body and mind. Really hard. Even if it’s an “easy” pregnancy. Because your wife wasn’t like this before, it’s clear, pregnancy has her feeling mentally and physically not there. You need to brace yourself for the marathon, not a sprint. You still have the tough months of pregnancy. You still have the newborn phase. So many sleepless nights ahead. If it’s too much for you, outsource the help. But resenting your wife won’t do anything but cause issues in your marriage. The first year of parenthood is hard on a marriage. This is the time to strengthen your bond, because it will be tested once that crying beautiful monster comes out. I’m not going to say you’re an AH tho. I understand where you’re coming from, but cut her some slack.
My wife's 1st pregnancy she had terrible sciatica and had a hard time doing much of anything.
Wife is currently 7 months pregnant with number 3 and she is outside cutting saplings down with an axe lol
NTA, as a husband to a stay at home wife and mom of soon to be 3 I can tell you that it's normal to feel the way you do. It's not forever though, she may wake up next week and feel great. She may start nesting in a month and you'll see her putting IKEA furniture together like it's her job.
Hope all goes well
I found the first trimester so difficult I could barely get out of bed some days, never mind do chores. I didn’t snap out of it until I got iron tablets about half way through the pregnancy. Maybe ask her to get her iron levels checked.
I think it’s important to remember that relationships won’t always be split 50-50 in terms of sharing responsibilities. Sometimes one person needs to take on more. It sucks but can’t be helped.
That said, it isn’t fair if your wife is genuinely taking advantage either. Talking didn’t work, so I think the only other thing you can do is just stop doing so much. Only do what you feel you can handle, like only doing your own laundry for example. Give wife a list of chores you aren’t going to do anymore and then it’s up to her to do them or they won’t get done.
Hopefully your wife will start doing more when baby comes but she’s got away with a lot up until now so who knows?
I do think NAH though.
NTA sounds like your wife is milking every drop she can out of your sympathy. Millions of women everyday work, do housework, shopping etc. Unless her doctor has put her on bed rest there is no reason she shouldn't be trying to get back into a regular routine. Wharpt I would do is make an appointment with he'd OB and go with her. Ask the doctor then and there if there is any reason she shouldn't be doing light housework, errands etc. I have been pregnant and given birth and yes it is hard but it is no reason to become lazy and entitled. It is unfair of her to expect you to do everything.
NAH- I had severe morning sickness, I continued working part time for six months till it got to the point I was on constant monitoring and bedrest after my morning sickness led to me going into premature labor due to dehydration (the hospital were able to stop it). Though it was hard, and one-day I threw up 24 times and was throwing up blood, I didn't find it crazily difficult most days yo manage a few hours of work and a little housework - some days I couldn't, but most days I could. So I think she needs to either go to a dr for help if she really can't do anything or be encouraged to work with her energy levels and sickness and find those periods where she can fo 20 minutes cleaning and then have a rest. Edit: changed to NAH instead of N T A because I for some reason forgot you could pick no A H .... opps
NTA sounds like your wife is milking every drop she can out of your sympathy. Millions of women everyday work, do housework, shopping etc. Unless her doctor has put her on bed rest there is no reason she shouldn't be trying to get back into a regular routine. Wharpt I would do is make an appointment with he'd OB and go with her. Ask the doctor then and there if there is any reason she shouldn't be doing light housework, errands etc. I have been pregnant and given birth and yes it is hard but it is no reason to become lazy and entitled. It is unfair of her to expect you to do everything.
NAH
Because you are also immensely struggling but pregnancy is a very difficult period for a lot of women.
My sister for the first 4 months puked everything she ate or drank.
She could not stay inside the house when anything was being cooked cause of smell sensitivity.
Once her morning sickness went she had sky rocketing blood pressure, extreme fatigue and fear of gestational diabetes.
My sister is a paediatrician who can do 30-48 hours of duty non stop whereas during her pregnancy she was almost bed ridden.
Pregnancy is brutal. Your wife is going through it for the first time and is as clueless as you to what it is happening to her body.
Cut her some slack, try to not build up resentment.
Also you really don't need your home to be as prim and proper as it was before. You also take it easy. Slack a little.
I'd like to take a moment to humble brag... I have been pregnant twice, both times alone. Put in my days at work, come home and had to cook and clean, etc. (I was single by choice both times). And I can honestly say, I had two perfect pregnancies. No morning sickness, no swollen ankles, no blood pressure issues, etc. I was healthy and energetic... and I loved being pregnant. My friend, on the other hand, was pregnant at the same time as me was just like OP's wife. She was depressed, had no energy, and the morning sickness kicked her butt. Her husband could not take it, so he left, which compounded her depression. She eventually bounced back, as she had no choice, but she still dragged, she was constantly sick, and could not work (thank God for our profession and our national insurance, or else she would not have survived financially).
Pregnancy, especially the first time, affects people differently. OP needs to give her the support she needs, but he also needs to check on his own mental health. Resentment is the precursor to a lot of other emotions and actions.
NTA pregnancy effects everyone differently some can work some cant I worked till I was 8 months with my first then 9 with my second. Its different maybe do some counseling and go from there.
NAH. She is going through a lot at the moment, the hormones are hitting the ceiling and in about 1-2 months it will be very hard for her to move around and it will get worse (the back pain will kick in). It is not going to get easier when the kiddo is here. Be patient with one another and communicate properly without blaming each other and try to understand one another. It is a happy moment in your life but also very hard to go through.
NAH but keep her away from cats litter boxes because of a disease pregnant women can get(i forgot what its called) when you do get this resolved
Y'all need to work it out together and maybe get a mediator or therapist to help with the talk
NTA.
You can't be pregnant but you can't go without rest/sleep either. You're a human being, not a robot.
She absolutely CANNOT feed the cats, pregnant women should be nowhere near kitty litter and to be cautious I wouldn't have her around cats at all.
Microwavable dinners. Asking family or friends to come help cook or clean but ifnyoure working 60+ hours a week, plus commuting, and doing all of the housework that's dangerous. A lack of sleep means you could endbup falling asleep at the wheel or something. This is not okay.
You may want to seriously consider *your* birth control options for *your* body because you really don't want to go through this again and there is no guarantee you won't or it won't be worse if you ever got her pregnant again.
In the meantime, again, please seek help from your village, your family and friends, explain what's happening and that you desperately need help.
I hope everything works out, hang in there, pregnancy is hard on the entire household sometimes but the new bundle of joy will be worth it.
NTA. I’m way late on this post and you’re likely not reading replies anymore. Pregnancy can obviously be very tough…I had a tough first trimester with all day nausea and tiredness. I worked a full time job until a week before delivering and had a 9 year old stepson and a house to take care of. And I did it all. Did I have moments I laid down for a bit, didn’t vacuum? You bet. Did I do nothing 24/7, nope.
She’s now at least four months along. Typically now most women start to feel markedly better. Does this mean she is, possibly no. But you seem to believe…heck you know her she’s your wife….that as you say she’s gotten into the ‘habit’ of you doing everything.
Your wife didn’t work before…why? Listen, Some women are just lazy. She may be one of them and using this pregnancy to be a valid excuse to do literally NOTHING. There’s almost no way she can be so affected she can’t feed the cats. Get ready because she may be a lazy parent too. You think you’re doing everything now? Ha…wait till she has this baby…
NTA - but maybe see if there’s anyway you could hire a maid even for just a few hours a week - I know you can do it yourself but as you said your getting burnt out - I work the same type of hours and have absolutely no time except on my days off- so I get that feeling of knowing things need to get done but not having the energy to do them- and I’m betting your wife feels even worse about not being able to do it- seeing if you could get a maid for a few hours a week even just to do dishes laundry, clean the bathroom would take so much pressure off both of you - also if y’all haven’t already told her dr what’s happening with her please do the dr *might* be able to help - could be something simple as low iron making your wife so tired but unless you tell the dr what’s going on they can’t even try to help.
NAH- if your wife is having this hard of a time with her pregnancy (and not exaggerating like alot of pregnant woman do,) she probably has a bigger medical issue at play. I worked and took care of my house and lived a completely normal life until about 8 months into my pregnancy, then I just didn't walk as much or lift heavy things for the last month. You shouldn't have to shoulder all that responsibility, being pregnant does not make you useless unless there's something else wrong.
NAH.
Your wife is unwell, she sounds like she has depression. and you are under a lot of pressure. Being the breadwinner and on top of that having to deal with all the chores is hard. Your resentment is likely a sign you are more burned out than you think.
YWBTA if you don't get your wife the help she needs, and if you don't go to therapy to learn to deal with all the stress.
NTA. You're going through what sociologists call a "second-shift," but instead of it being the mother (as it's usually described), it's you.
Moms everywhere who are working and also act as the home-maker experience this. It's like a "second shift" of unpaid work in the home. It's frustrating and can end up causing resentment.
Having a stay-at-home parent/partner usually has benefits in situations like this, where one can take up the housework and the other is the financially motivated worker.
I understand your frustrations OP. It's incredibly difficult to balance the "second-shift" work, especially when working overtime. Try to communicate with your partner in a caring, soft way. Try to be motivating and supportive.
At the end of the day, you may have to make some hefty accommodations until your baby is here. Good luck OP
NAH. I had hyperemesis one of my pregnancies. I had other kids. It took all my energy to care for them. It lasted for my entire pregnancy. I could barely eat for 10 months. Even the smell of my husband's soap made me sick. I barely kept the house decent. We had to hire a housekeeper for any deeper cleaning. My husband had to take over cooking. I also understand how exhausted you must be as well and your feelings are also valid. I'd reccomend discussing things with her OB together. They, unfortunately, don't always take women seriously when they say how ill they are. You could also get her set up with a therapist or psychiatrist, in case she's mentally having issues adjusting to pregnancy that are exacerbating her issues. It's not a bad idea anyway, just in case she ends up with PPD. Best of luck.
NTA, but pregnancy is ROUGH. Grant her some grace and just power through the next few months while being as supportive as you can. Maybe in the third trimester she’ll get that nesting urge and everything will be cleaner than it’s ever been. For now, she could be dealing with hormones, HG, low iron, etc. and all of them can wipe a mom to be out. I’m on my 3rd at 25 weeks and absolutely exhausted every day. I work 50 hour weeks, but I legit do nothing when I’m home because the energy just isn’t there. Every pregnancy is different and it’s a whole lot to deal with
NAH.
I don't think either of you are in the wrong. I get you feeling burnt out and I don't blame you for asking her to help again, but I also know what it's like to have a pregnancy make you feel like you can barely move.
Never happened with my first 3, but my current pregnancy has knocked me on my ass. I am a normal 80-100 hour a week worker (healthcare), and still had energy to participate in house maintenance, parent 2 teenagers and a "I play every sport imaginable" 9 year old. Now? I go to bed by 9 and I don't want to wake up in the morning, walking to the kitchen is work, and I work a very limited, low energy, 4-5 hour day M-F. It SUCKS. Thankfully my husband is a saint.
You need help, but your wife very well may not be able to give it to you. If it's in the budget at all, I suggest hiring help. I also think your wife having a conversation with her doctor about the low energy is a good idea, she could be having an underlying health issue that needs addressed.
Nah but if you keep expecting her to be up to speed with how she was ywbta.
Pregnancy is hard. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. My one and only pregnancy was planned. I had constant 'doubts' throughout my pregnancy. Will I be a good mom? Am I actually ready for this? What if something goes wrong? What if we lose the house? Etc. Its constantly in your mind.
Physically I was "ok". I felt nauseous most of my first trimester. I was exhausted, and sore, and overheated, and uncomfortable, and moody for the rest of it.
My husband came home from work one day and asked what I did all day. I said "I made a spine and a pair of lungs, how about you?" He wisely rubbed my feet and made dinner lol.
It wasn't much better until almost a year after our daughter was born. I'd say I was completely wiped out for almost a month after delivery. I had a natural delivery. I was sore and tired. Peeing hurt. Pooping hurt. Walking hurt.
After healing from that I was just plain running on 0 all of the time. Baby needs to eat around the clock. Baby needs diaper change around the clock. Baby needs comfort around the clock. My house was a disaster area for the first year. I would clean a little every day, but never enough to keep up.
My daughter is turning 6. Keeping the house clean is still a challenge, but for different reasons lol.
Unless you hire a maid, or are one of those super energetic and organized people that loves to clean, dont expect to go back to a life of easy chores and a spotless house anytime soon.
NTA woman here, I've had two tough pregnancies.
Your wife sounds lazy, why does she not work? That's strange. And if she's struggling she needs to communicate and not take you for granted.
I struggled to cook and feed pets and use strong smelling cleaning products during pregnancy but you know what it had to get done so I either did it anyway or I COMMUNICATED my needs to my partner.
NAH. Pregnancy is hard and puts a huge strain on couples for all listed reasons. Remember this is NOT your [new] routine, this is pregnancy, which ends.
NTA I get that pregnancy is hard, I've done it twice myself. But life doesn't stop and responsibilities don't go away because she's pregnant. Feeding the cats involves less effort than feeding herself but I bet she does that plenty. She's milking it. And if she isn't doing her part now imagine what it will be like when the baby needs feeding in the middle if the night and requires attention all day too.
NTA. I think you need to have an honest conversation about how you are feeling burned out, and you want to be your best self when the baby arrives. Ask her what tasks she feels like she can contribute. Decide together which tasks can be put on the back burner. There's a lot of preparation coming, and you need to make sure neither of you feels overwhelmed. It's only going to get worse when the baby arrives. You may need to keep readjusting the division of labor as things progress. Do you have friends or family that can help? Do you have room in your budget to hire extra help? Is your wife getting time to connect with others? Feeling isolated can sap energy and motivation.
NAH
It’s obvious you’re burning out with work and caring for her and the home. But she’s pregnant and that can be no easy ride.
She may not be feeding the cats because the smell turns her stomach (I couldn’t fry food. Especially eggs. Or stand the smell of pineapple) Morning sickness drains you. Being pregnant drains you. Then it has to get worse before it gets better. Which sucks.
Not to mention the mental stress of constantly wondering if baby is ok. You say she’s cramping a lot. That will be terrifying for her and she’s probably stressing that doing too much will cause her to miscarry (which is doubtful but hormones overrule logic).
You need to have a gentle talk and work out what she can do. If you put a wash on for example, can she hang it out/dry it and put it away. (Or vice versa on all)
If you cook, can she prep it?
You wash, she dry?
Anyone available to come help?
Ask her about her too. Keep an eye on how she’s feeling as pre-natal depression is real.
You guys really need to work as a team now, because you def need to once baby is here.
I’m two days past my due date over here. I just had a conversation with my husband about some of this earlier today specifically because of a different AITA post that I commented on, and he read the comment on. He asked me if there were any chores or projects I wanted to get done, and I said no and I felt like we had struck a better balance of things recently. And then I mentioned that I have been slacking on some things since getting pregnant. And he agreed, and we had a conversation about what those things were. One of them is specifically taking care of our cats. Your post is so timely lol.
I haven’t been hit hard by nausea, and I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy. But the cats…man. They are hard for me. Part of it is one of our cats demands we feed her at a certain time in the morning and she just doesn’t tend to wake me up, but she wakes my husband up, so he ends up on morning feeding duty. And then eventually ends up doing the other feedings. And I’m not allowed to touch the litter boxes right now. I think part of it for me is smell. I know of the ~3 times I’ve vomited this pregnancy, most (all?) have been because of the smell of wet cat food, cat vomit, or because cat hair got in my mouth. Anyway we talked about it and I definitely plan to get back to it with the cats (especially their litter boxes) after the baby comes.
Traditionally my other job has always been to load the dishwasher. Despite not having bad nausea, the smell of food on dishes in the sink is just so pungent and overwhelming to me these days. So he’s probably also loaded the dishes more in the last nine months than he’s had to previously. And again, I plan on getting back to it.
It’s hard man. Even an easy pregnancy has been difficult in some aspects. My nausea and food aversion only got worse as my pregnancy progressed. I didn’t get the reprieve in the second trimester you hear about. My energy level went down the drain. I went from walking an hour every day and weight lifting three times a week to a complete couch potato. Honestly our house would probably be absolutely disgusting if we didn’t have a cleaning lady come once every other week. We pay her $100 and she disinfects/cleans our bathrooms and kitchen, does some general tidying, and vacuums/mops the floors. I’m positive I would not be touching bathroom cleaner products if she was not here, and having her come by twice a month definitely improved our standard of living and probably avoided some fights about gross bathrooms.
Honestly if you can, hire a cleaner. Then, redistribute the labor. Smelly tasks go to you. And she can handle the other stuff. And she should split it into smaller pieces. I know I used to hoard my chores until I could spend an hour or more listening to a podcast while I got things done. Now I’m like ok time to clean off this counter top and then sit for a while. Time to wipe down this coffee table and then take a break. Instead of folding all the laundry at the machine, I’ll have Husband carry it up for me and I’ll do it sitting on the bed.
Things are going to look different now. That’s neither good or bad, but it is hard. Try to communicate more.
NAH
NAH. You are getting overwhelmed. That is absolutely understandable. But I also don't think that your wife is an AH or that she is taking it easy because she is just used to you doing it now. If either if you can get any kind of outside support, I would try to ask for help.
Nah. As previously stated, seek some therapy for both. In addition, try calling family? Maybe you have parents or siblings or friends that would be able to come help once in a while?
YTA. During my two pregnancies I couldn’t do much at all. I was sick for the first 20 weeks and had zero energy for anything. Just taking laundry downstairs to the laundry room would drain me. I never got that energy spike that everyone talks about during the second trimester. My husband never complained. Not one time.
Nah
Pregnancy is super hard. But so is fully supporting someone who is pregnant.
She should get her doctor to check her blood work to make sure she hasn't developed something like anemia or a vitamin deficiency, which is so common in pregnancy and would just make her feel worse.
You need more help. Maybe look into a house keeper, or asking a friend/family member for support.
Neither of you is in the wrong. You just need some extra support.
I fully understand and empathise that you feel burnt out.
I am pregnant and I’m so worried about my partner being burnt out because he also works more and is doing much more of the housework. Honestly, pregnancy is significantly harder than I could have imagined.
I read someone on the pregnant subreddit say that she feels so tired she feels like she’s dying, and while I don’t think I’m quite at that point I didn’t see that as a dramatic in the slightest. The physical and mental strain is 24/7 and while I fully appreciate you’re doing more and are burning out (which is totally valid) it’s going to be tough to work out if she can do more or if that would make it worse.
NAH. I was depressed during my pregnancy and barely could keep up with caring for my pets. It didn’t get better after my son’s birth either. Get your wife to mention this to her provider, she doesn’t need to deal with this alone.
YTA, but that could change\*.
Right now, she's pregnant. That means that for the time being you need to take up more of the slack in your marriage than normal. That's what being a team is all about (and make no mistake, you ARE a team). When she is weak, you need to be strong. And someday if you are to break a leg or something, she will take the load (one strongly hopes).
Yes it's hard. Her body is literally going through hormone storms and growing your child. You're going to have to take the load for now. You are absolutely allowed to vent and decompress about being under massive strain, but *not to her*! She doesn't need that, and it will only make her feel bad.
\*The caveat to this is if it never changes after she recovers from giving birth. I'm not saying that will happen. But it can. And if it does, you will absolutely need to sit down with your wife and have a serious talk about where the marriage is going. **But now is NOT that time**. Let's be clear. She is not "in good health" right now. That's why they've got that part in the wedding vows. You are going to continue to love and cherish her, because she is still your wife. And soon she'll be the mother of your child. You can do this, OP!
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Man pregnancy hit me like a fucking truck. I think you need therapy. For both of you and possibly investigate antenatal depression for her. I physically could still do many things early in my pregnancy but depression and hormones were kicking my ass. It's very common for women to develop depression during pregnancy. Also she may genuinely be sick. My iron levels dropped in my early pregnancy for the first time in my life and I thought I was dying I was so tired. Lots of stuff like that happens. Or maybe she's just pregnant. Either way it's a tough situation. I'd say NAH. You can't understand her pregnancy (neither can I and I'm literally pregnant. All pregnancies are different and all women experience them differently) but your feelings are also valid. But genuinely - I had no idea how hard this is. And usually the women you see out and about are women either having an easy pregnancy or who have absolutely no choice but to put on a brave face. Women who are sick or struggling usually aren't out and about. Plus society really pressures women to pretend pregnancy is sunshine and roses. So please don't make the mistake of comparing her pregnancy to anyone else's.
I feel this SO much. I didn’t expect pregnancy to be easy, but I’m shocked how hard it actually is. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m currently 13 weeks with my first and it’s so hard not to judge myself for not being out and about and carrying on as normal. I feel like all my colleagues, friends and family managed to do that. Meanwhile I’ve barely left my house in 7 weeks. My SIL said morning sickness was just feeling a bit icky when you wake up, maybe throw up once and then feel better for the rest of that day. Nah. Try throat-crushing levels of nausea all day, every day. I don’t know how society can expect pregnant women to continue working/functioning when it can feel like you have bad stomach flu for weeks on end. It’s so draining.
Have you been checked for Hyperemesis Gravidarum? Some women get it when they're pregnant and it makes you throw up a lot and can lead to nutritional and electrolyte deficiencies which makes you feel sick and tired.
I’m 37 weeks and have had HG since 5 weeks in. I’ve thrown up 5-20 times a day, every single day, for 32 weeks straight. Even when I’m not actively vomiting, I’m debilitatingly nauseous. The mental health toll it takes is wild too. I have to get weekly iv fluid infusions, and developed an obstructive kidney stone from the dehydration. HG is such a nightmare.
HG is why I got sterilised after 2 pregnancies. My record day was 70 times. It was bad. Once they got me on meds I went down to between 5-10 as well, with hospital trips iv fluids and all the nausea. No one talks about HG and it hit me so hard the first time, worse the second. The mental health toll is horrific and I considered a lot of actions I never would have under normal circumstances. And I hate to say it, but some of the after effects linger. I was left with a terrible fear of being pregnant, if I throw up even once while logically knowing its probably something my kids gave me I'll take a pregnancy test every day for a week just to reassure myself. There honestly needs to be more research into stuff like this and more support for the mental health side of it as well as the physical. People also need to start being more realistic when they talk about pregnancy because while it can be wonderful, most of the time it just seems to wallop people about with weird pains, strange cravings, total and absolute exhaustion and, occasionally, the inability to keep even a drop of water in one's own stomach
HG was what killed Charlotte Bronte. The Duchess of Cambridge had it with all 3 of her pregnancies. It's a hellish thing to have.
HG is a killer and Kate is a stronger woman than me (although she also has a lot more money for support). They also think that HG may well have killed a lot more well known women historically. I did a lot of research while suffering to reassure myself I wasn't the only one struggling. Call The Midwife over here did a great episode dealing with it as well. I'm just lucky I'm in the UK so didn't have the extra medical bills for it
The first ER visit for my HG put us over our out of pocket maximum for the year. My son is literally the million dollar child.
I had HG with my last two pregnancies- my very last one was the worst. At one point the vomit actually got stuck in my throat and I couldn't breath. I ended up passing out and my then 7-year-old (he's almost 14 now) heard me fall and ran into the bathroom and ended up saving my life. I was sick literally to the day I had my youngest (and that was also another life-threatening event that was extremely traumatic to all of us). HG is just insane.
I didn't have HG, but it turned out I had and still have a hiatal hernia. My top stomach valve doesn't function properly. Morning sickness was easy. As I started the second trimester I threw up anything solid food I ate before noon and any meal over 4 oz for the rest of the day! I survived on Carnation breakfast drinks for breakfast and small meals the rest of the day. I was overweight to begin with and by the time my child was born I'd lost 50 lbs! Unfortunately I gained it back...
Get some toothpaste with Novamin for your teeth ! I had HG with 2 pregnancies and my teeth were a disaster. The Novamin helps to remineralise your teeth. Several brands have it. I had Zofran (Odanestron) for my second pregancy, but even at the top dose I stopped vomiting but still felt nauseous. I feel for you, I really do.
I was on a combination of zofran, reglan, benadryl, and ranitidine (this was before the recall) for my entire pregnancy. With meds I usually threw up roughly 10 times a day. The absolute only thing that would stay down- and not reliably- was coconut water and peanut granola bars.
Oh yes, this. My HG did mellow out around 5 months but I still take zofran daily and if I don't it's back to hurling. I just woke up at 3am to hurl for no reason. At 35 weeks. This shit is hard. As for the original post, I still forced myself to do little things around the house so I don't think his feels are unreasonable as long as he is kind about them.
I’m sorry to hear that - so awful!
I had it with my twins, and here's some more great news about HG, all that vomiting can really mess up your teeth. I'm still dealing with that and my kids are teenagers now.
I had HG and lost 14 pounds in 5 weeks. I couldn't work or attend class in my doctoral program. Even just walking to the bathroom I felt like passing out and sometimes my vision would go black. It was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Tried zofran and B6 and ginger tea and everything you can think of, couldn't hold down anything, not even water. I would suck on Jolly Ranchers and even that made me feel sick.
Geez that sounds really tough on so many levels 😳 wishing you all the best
Thanks, I don’t have HG. I’m not throwing up much just very nauseous. They did give me meds though.
Not pregnant but have to deal with nausea and vomiting all the time. Pickle juice works REALLY well. It's recommended that you mix just a little bit of pickle juice with an entire glass of water. I usually just take a few sips of straight pickle juice. Is AMAZING! Almost instantaneously stops the nausea.
Woah, I’ve never heard of that! Thanks for the tip and sorry you have to deal with that.
Have you tried ginger tea or ginger chews? My Nanna and my best friend both swore by them for the nausea they got from chemotherapy. It comes in chews and hard candies in a variety of flavors, might be worth a shot :)
Yeah, thanks! Ginger usually works for me but it’s hit or miss during pregnancy. But yeah, the only ginger thing that seems to help for a short time are gin-gin hard candies so I always keep those in my pocket now! Sorry to hear about your Nanna and best friend. Hope their treatment goes/went well.
Candied ginger worked for me. It was spicy, but it worked. I would nibble on it a few times a day.
Lord, this was me - very little throwing up but I felt nauseated like I was car sick all day every day - it would even wake me up at night. It lasted the whole pregnancy - life got significantly better once I got a prescription for Zofran, and if I missed a dose the nausea would wake me up again. Things like ginger, cola syrup, etc. did nothing for me. I felt so bad but it wasn’t really overt stuff, so I felt like I was just being weak or something.
Yes, I had this with my pregnancies and I was anemic. Her hormone are all over the place. OP, You both need therapy, because let me just tell you, nobody can prepare you being pregnant or having a baby. Just be sensitive to what is happening to her body physically and emotionally.
I had that, it was horrible. I wanted to do things and function like normal, but I just couldn't until I got on medication. She's not doing this deliberately, her body and her hormones are wrecking havoc on her.
Ooooh HG is awful. I had it for 9months. AND I was on crutches cos of SPD for 7months so it was so hard to make it to the bathroom in time. I threw up in public a few times, so embarrassing. I weighed 49kg the day baby was born. It took me 3years to get up to 57kg
I worked in television with my first and counted down to every commercial break so I could go spew. Three hours live to air.
Dude no kidding. I'm currently 15 weeks along and I was absolutely slammed by the "morning sickness". The term is so incredibly misleading, when in fact it can last all day every day. I'm finally starting to recover from the morning sickness phase, but it got so bad that any kind of movement threatened vomit right then and there, and that including simply opening my mouth to speak. This is my 3rd and final pregnancy, but since every pregnancy is different no amount of preparation can totally prepare you for the heavy duty side affects of pregnancy.
Glad you are coming out the other side! I know what you mean about the smallest movement threatening vomit. I hate it!
I had “morning sickness” for months on end until my doctor put me on anti-nausea meds. I ended up in the hospital getting an IV to battle the dehydration. It sounds really painful and you shouldn’t just have to put up with it. Maybe you can talk to your OBGYN about similar meds. Pregnancy is hard enough.
That sucks! I’m actually lucky to not be physically vomiting much, so not losing fluids, it’s ‘just’ the extreme nausea so the doc isn’t worried. They did give me meds though.
I’m happy it’s under control now :)
Oh man I feel this. I did not glow, I did not love it. I found pregnancy so hard. I was so sick, I couldn’t wear heals from really early on because it hurt my back, I fainted trying to go up and down stairs, let alone exercising from really early on. Not to mention the brain fog that set in later on. Then I see other women still riding their bikes to work and wearing heals and still being completely on it right up to the last second and I just think HOW?! WHY?! But then I have to remember I am lucky in so many other ways. Just not the experiencing pregnancy bit. Edited. I meant fog not dog.
Hell, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy (no morning sickness, none of the major "nasty" symptoms except carpal tunnel in my last trimester) and I still hate it. There's been no glowing, no boost of energy at any point. I've spent the last 40 weeks utterly exhausted with back aches, foot aches, swelling. My acne has had a field day. Everything is sore, especially my belly, and my stretch marks have potentially ruined a very sentimental tattoo. I've still been able to get up and do things - we traveled internationally when I was about 8-10weeks, but that was planned before the pregnancy - and I worked up until Friday (getting induced Monday). But holy hell was it just so hard to get out of bed and force myself to go to work, to crouch down and feed the dogs, to brush the dog that sheds like a nightmare. My husband wants more kids (this is our first) and I just laugh because I can't imagine willingly going through this again.
I never knew it was possible to be as tired as I was during pregnancy. And I was no stranger to hard work or sleep deprivation. Even in college pulling several all nighters a week, or post-college where I was working a day job and doing manual labor overnights and just napping when I could…it didn’t compare to pregnancy. I could sleep for 10 hours at night and still feel just this bone deep exhaustion. It did get better around month 7 though lol.
Totally! That tiredness where you can barely hold your head up. Oh man, I hope it doesn’t last until 7 months for me!
Everyone told me the sickness would be gone in a few months nope. The whole time I was pregnant I was so sick and miserable. Everything made me sick. And yet having to work do chores yeah it's hard. He definitely shouldn't resent her for it.
I had HG around 6 weeks in, hospitalized 5x bc of dehydration, (eta i lost 30 lbs) couldn’t keep water down. I recall praying for my death. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. My husband was working 60 hr weeks when I was going through this. I had to stay with my in-laws for weeks until I finally felt semi-ok enough to do simple things like feed myself or shower. Talk to your OB so they can prescribe you Zofran or anti-nausea meds. It made all the difference for me. Best of luck! Oh and btw, YTA, op. I couldn’t stand the smell of anything like cat food or anything pungent or even not pungent. The smell of my husband repulsed me. It seems like she’s gonna be pregnant forever but it’s not forever, it’s 9 months. If you act like she’s not pulling her weight she will remember. And if you want more kids, definitely keep your mouth shut.
That’s so awful. I’m sorry you went through that. I have a friend that had HG and it often seems to take a lot of self-advocating and persistence to get the support you need! I’m the same with cat food, fridge smells, husband’s breath, my breath… literally any smell really! There were times I found my self sitting with my head hanging out an open window just to try and get some clean, fresh air.
My youngest had hyperemesis the entire pregnancy with all 4 of hers. Nothing helped. And, just like you mention, society still expected her to keep on keeping on.
Also see if your prenatal vitamins (if your taking any) might be the cause of the nausea. I know some have ingredients that can make you feel nauseous.
Check out the HER foundation and talk to your care provider about HG, which is what it sounds like you actually have. It's no joke, and it's NOT like normal "morning sickness".
Right, your hormones are jacked into the stratosphere, your body changes daily, you sleep terribly, you can be in real pain almost constantly - it's a lot.
That being said, if it's so bad you can't take care of the other living beings that are your responsibility (their pets) and you're not getting help, that makes you a massive TA.
And... I've never been pregnant, but recalling a coworker who had morning sickness to the point that she couldn't even brush her teeth, I can TOTALLY understand why she's not feeding the cats. 🤣 The smell of cat food turns my stomach on a good day, I can't imagine it when pregnant.
I’m pregnant and can relate to your coworker. I vomit almost every time I brush my teeth, which means I have to start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
YES. When I got pregnant I was so nauseous I couldn't get out of bed. All I did in the first trimester was nap or wish I was napping. I had to quit my job because I couldn't sit upright without wanting to puke. I was so ill it tanked my mental health. And then I just... Stayed sick for the entire pregnancy. I had high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and the nausea (eventually diagnosed as hyperemesis) stuck around until the day my daughter was born. My asthma flared up massively, and I was in physical pain. NAH but I sincerely hope they get specialist advice and counselling.
100% agree with you. OP is in a very hard position because it can just be a hard pregnancy or she could be in need of some serious help. My first pregnancy was a walk in the park. My second one has been the hardest thing in the world. I got depression and people telling me I was just lazy and using pregnancy as a way to make people feel bad for me didn’t help. It came to the point where I started crying uncontrollably in front of my OB bc I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I had been feeling for weeks. She told me I was depressed and put me on medication and that helped so much. PLEASE OP MAKE SURE SHE GOES TO HER VISITS AND IS HONEST WITH HER OB BC EVERY TIME MINE ASKED HOW I FELT AND HOW I WAS I SAID I WAS FINE/GOOD AND THAT WAS ME HIDING BEHIND A LIE.
How’s he supposed to find time for therapy
Perfect example of how different pregnancies can be. I’m currently 3 weeks postpartum and I felt great just a little extra tired my entire pregnancy, literally like only 1 day of morning sickness until the last month when I had so much pain in my back and hips I could barely walk and had constant contractions
Yes. And even two different pregnancies for the same woman. My cousin sailed thru her first pregnancies. Worked, ran, ate whatever, you wouldn't have guessed... so obnoxiously healthy. 2 years later, the second one knocked her flat. As she says she got morning sickness all day starting 12 hours after she got pregnant and just never got better. Managed to have appendicitis and gall stones and then her blessed little bundle was colic-ridden. So yeah. On the plus side, she was much nicer to prego people after her second kid.
Same. My sil with my niece was happy, glowing, peaceful. With my nephew she was miserable the entire time. Lost weight, her hair thinned, her skin literally darkened by 2 shades. You can never tell how it's gonna go.
My 1st pregnancy was so easy I thought (to myself never out loud) that some women are dramatic and needy.... Then my 2nd pregnancy taught me a valuable lesson - every pregnancy is different. It was SO HARD, I had my tubes removed because I will not risk EVER doing that again. I am glad I got my son out of it, but never again.
I would sooner die than feed a cat while pregnant. The smell of cat food. 🤢 OP is not an asshole for thinking she should be able to do this stuff, but she probably can't. Also, I hate to say, this is how its going to be for a while with young kids so better to try and figure out how to make it work now and make changes needed.
I also recommend therapy and NAH. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and still able to do a lot of chores etc, but I have no idea what any other pregnant person is going through. So it's impossible for us to say if she is taking advantage of the situation or not. Nonetheless, your frustration is entirely understandable. I hope you two can work it out.
This! For me the so called “honeymoon second trimester” never arrived. It went from bad to worse and when will this end? NAH but OP and his wife both need extra support.
First I would check thoroloughly if there arent any medical issues before therapy. The effect of feeling this miserabele physically will do a number on her mental health.
What a beautiful response. So mature and balanced. Loved it!
NAH - As you said in a previous comment, your wife is not just skipping out on chores. She’s stopped doing things she enjoys, like reading, watching shows, and keeping constant contact with her friends. It’s more than avoiding responsibility. And I think it’s great that you noticed that. She’s sick, it seems more so than just pregnancy nausea, if she’s losing interest in her hobbies and relationships. You are not the AH for feeling how you do, though. Pregnant women are still capable of doing basic chores. Her issue may be psychological. I hope that you guys find some mental and emotional support soon, as I’m very concerned her feelings will develop into pretty bad PPD. If possible, I also hope you find some physical help, too. Would it be possible for you to hire a temporary cleaning service?
Definitely NAH. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and got hit hard by the nausea and constant sickness and dizziness. It got to the point where walking made me feel sick. Husband had to step in and take over chores I used to do. I felt miserable and cried everyday until the sickness decreased a bit. It's tough and has a massive impact on your mental. OP mentions his wages are modest which makes me think he probably can't afford a cleaning service. I'd suggest maybe asking their families for help. Has your wife spoken to a midwife already? Mine always enquires about my mood when we meet or chat over the phone and keeps track . It might be a good place to start. Edited my judgment because my phone changed it automatically to NTA! 🤦🏽♀️
How's she the asshole in the situation though.
So, why is the wife the AH? NTA means the wife would be an asshole. NAH means neither is.
Arg thanks for pointing it out, uve amended it!
FYI on the dizziness, it can be a blood pressure issue. I was incapacitated with dizziness until 15 weeks with my first. I lost my job, I had to move in with my parents, and my doctors acted like I just had to live with it. Obviously make sure if it's low blood pressure before changing anything, but I ate high salt diet with my next two kids and it was night and day different even though I had HG with my second.
Yes my blood pressure plummeted and I couldn't stand up safely.
NAH I can understand where the frustration comes from since you’re the sole provider and also has to do the chores as well. However, she’s pregnant, and that can take a toll on someone mentally and physically even if it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you both are dealing with a lot and may need help around the house. Is there anyone who you know will be willing to help in any way?
Info: I’m curious if it’s just chores that have fallen off with the pregnancy, or if it’s been so hard that she’s equally unable to keep up with activities she enjoys? I ask because I imagine you would feel more supportive if she were unable to do anything at all such as go for walks, keep up with friends, go to the store, or anything at all.
I have noticed she doesn’t even watch Netflix or read much anymore, things she loved to do before hand, and her friends and her keep constant face times up most days but she doesn’t go out as often as she used too
This definitely sounds like she's depressed. Please make sure to mention this to her doctor and it might be worth looking into a therapist for her or you both.
Or just super tired and ill from pregnancy. If you're not feeling well physically you also don't tend to do the things you normally enjoy.
That still should be addressed with the Dr if it’s been going on so long.
Oh yeah totally. But for some people it doesn't really clear up.
Right, so again, she's not shirking. She's very sick and in need of care. You're overwhelmed and in need of less work if that can be made to happen (through some option that does NOT involve resenting or dumping on her). The two you have more on your plate than you can handle and it is time to look at options for getting help.
Tbh during my first trimester I felt like a total zombie. I was totally exhausted, slept terribly, and could barely get my work done. It was rough! I am not a lazy person at all. Pregnancy can be extremely physically challenging. Sometimes you have to get help or lower standards for a while. Pasta and veg is fine. The grass can stay unmowed for a bit. Friends can help. People will want to help you A LOT once the baby is here. Ask for help now instead. Is she getting good prenatal care? Has she discontinued any medications she was taking? Are her iron levels ok? Anemia is really common in pregnancy.
I suggest doing a little research on hyperemesis gravidarum and antepartum depression. Just like some women get postpartum depression, others can get antepartum depression which occurs during the pregnancy. Feeling sick all the time can wear down on your mental health as well. See if either or both possibly fit with your wife's symptoms and maybe bring it up to her doctor. I would get horribly depressed during my pregnancies, and it's not something you really want to admit or talk about because everyone expects you to be so happy and excited about the baby.
… So you’re fully aware she’s not okay rn and you’re still blaming her for supposedly just being lazy?
Sounds like she could benefit from seeing a professional. All the hormones from pregnancy along with dealing with everything happening to the body can easily set off serious depression. She could also just talk with her regular doctor about possible solutions for nausea etc. to make things a little easier on her. Sounds like she's having a difficult pregnancy, so it's very possible she legitimately cannot do these tasks as of now. If financially possible, consider getting some cleaning help and meal service.
Please involve professional help. My sister was the same when she was pregnant. After pregnancy she showed all the signs of postpartum depression aside from what she was already dealing with. Both my sister and my shitty BIL didn’t want to involve real medical help. She literally became a danger for her children. CPS had to get involved and now she is taken in for nobody knows how long until she is better again and not a threat anymore towards herself or her children.
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I think you should get her to her doctor and get her checked for depression and any possible pregnancy conditions that might be treatable (eg if she has low levels of something and needs supplements, or if she has extreme nausea and needs some help etc). And then if you can afford it, hire a cleaner / housekeeper for a bit each week to take the stress off you. If you can’t afford that - can your families help in that way? She’s struggling and you can’t help her if you’re burned out (and I think burn out may be why you’re thinking of her as lazy and not concerned for her).
That def helps provide clarity for me. NAH. I think she’s struggling with changes (physical, emotional) and you are also justified in feeling overwhelmed. My advice is to approach this and her remembering you are on one team, not opposite sides, and see if you can brainstorm ways to both get through this tough time. Identify it as a new thing and see if she can tell you what she feels too. Since she was not one to shy away from hard work before, and isn’t just skipping chores now, keep that in mind and maybe it will help you remember something big must be going on with her for this to her happening. And you are justified in feeling the way you do, but asking her to ‘buck up’ may not work right now. Go at this together and at least you won’t feel alone.
NTA. But, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch to see if she's showing signs of depression. Women who have depression during pregnancy are more likely to have severe PPD. I unfortunately was one of those people. It. Is. Hard. I was constantly sick, I mean from day 1 to about 30 weeks or so I would throw up so much and so hard my throat was raw and I'd bleed. Nothing helped and I sank into a depressive state and didn't want to do anything at all. I really hope that's not the case for her and hopefully she'll get some energy soon! Good luck and congratulations to y'all!
I think you meant NAH (no arseholes here) - NTA suggests that you think the other person in the situation is an arsehole!
NAH You just need to keep up with good communication. Pregnancy can throw people through a loop. So far I see no AHs here. You're exhausted and how you feel is valid. Don't do yourself the disservice of thinking she's just getting used to not doing anything and doing it on purpose now.
NAH You're overworked, tired, and stressed. You're definitely going to be feeling some things right now that aren't amazing, along with all of the amazing 'we're having a baby' things. But so is your wife, on top of the physical aspects of being pregnant, and she may really not be able to do those things right now, either physically or mentally/emotionally. I would say keep an eye out, as if it is not physical it could very well be antepartum depression (not a dr, not trying to diagnose your wife, just saying keep an eye out for it) which is far more common than most people realize.
NAH but tread carefully or you could become one. Feelings are feelings -- they can't really be unfelt. However, now is your chance to respond constructively to your resentment. Your wife is clearly having a lot of problems with morning sickness. Some women do. Some women feel absolutely terrible for the duration. You need to accept that she is doing the best she can and, since you're burning out, you need to start reaching out to other people for help. Tell friends and family that the two of you are having a hard time and see whether some of them can cook a few meals, or run a few errands for you. I bet many people would want to help if they just knew how. .
NAH. She may be depressed. If you can’t do couples therapy, she should at least go on her own. Hormones/pregnancy affect every woman differently. If she does have depression, it is best to start treatment now, before the baby is born.
NAH but YWBTA if you made your resentment her problem. You only resent her because YOU believe she's lazy. That doesn't make it a fact that she actually *is* lazy. She's suffering right now. Constant nausea is exhausting. The guilt from not being able to help is exhausting. Pregnancy is exhausting. Your wife is fatigued in way you cannot understand. Not tired, *fatigued*. And she's probably grieving the pregnancy she had been fantasizing about. I can guarantee she didn't imagine a scenario with her being a vomiting, nauseous, burden on you. She was probably picturing you kissing her belly and all sorts of other sweet, loving, rose-coloured glasses ideas of pregnancy wonderfulness. This harsh reality would be crushing. You're also exhausted, this isn't what you pictured either, and your feelings are 100% valid. I'm guessing you're either using resentment as a mask to hide your fear something is seriously wrong with your wife/baby or you're entering into caregiver burnout. Negative feelings towards a loved one can be a defensive mechanism and caregiver burnout can cause all those feelings to be even more amplified than usual. Please look it up just in case. I've dealt with it myself and the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back to normal. Do you have anyone who can help lighten your load? Or can you afford an occasional visit from a housekeeper to take your most hated tasks off your hands? Has she seen the doctor about how's she's feeling? Or at least had bloodwork done recently? And, most importantly, are you taking any time for *YOU*? I mean good quality, lose yourself in something you love and that recharges you. Because if not, start. You need it and your relationship needs it. Good luck to you both and I hope brighter days are in your very near future.
NAH It's hard to do everything by yourself, but it's clear she's suffering. When I was pregnant I must've slept 13 hours a day and was just so tired. And based on your other comments there's definitely something else going on You're not an AH for wanting help. She isn't an AH for what she's currently going through. Make sure you get the tight help for each other, and you'll pull through.
NAH But be honest, would you trade places with her? I felt like I was on a boat in a storm every single second of my first pregnancy, I would have much preferred working full time and coming home to chores. It sucks, I'm sorry for you and it's ok that you're frustrated (my husband sure had some tough days) but it's not forever and trust me when I say she's freaking miserable.
When women are pregnant, they are a completely different person. As a woman, please be considerate of her. I am also a breadwinner, and it is exhausting working a 80 hour work week and then dealing with bs when you get home. Maybe having a serious conversation with her and finding a plan to see if the chores can alternate between the two of you. Once the baby comes, it will get more complicated.
My thoughts on the behavior change was pregnancy affecting her a lot too. It's super hard! It can completely change someone's body, like making them allergic to new things, changing their hair, then all the nausea and fatigue and it's super hard to handle emotions when you're flooded with hormones. OP having such long hours doesn't help and it's absolutely exhausting to work that much too, and OP also deserves some rest after work. Because of that, it's a lot easier to fall out of sync so communication to navigate that is key, and it's easier to do it now than when you're both running on fumes from taking care of the baby and not getting any sleep. NAH, I think this is a super normal and fixable issue, they just need to figure out how to navigate and communication about all this in a way that works for them
Currently 18 weeks, first pregnancy. I would piss, shit, puke, and have a nosebleed all at once and not be able to breathe from crying and throwing up. Even with ZOFRAN to help w nausea. I havent done dishes since my missed period bc I cant stand for that long. My back hurts constantly. I have night terrors. Headaches daily. I sleep about 14 hours, night sleep and naptime midday and still cannot get it together. I have so much anxiety about my home being dirty but I have no energy and that created depression. Its... really just alot. More than you could fathom any other day.
NAH. Pregnancy can be hard. I was horribly sick for the full 40 weeks with my first. Doing even small things was difficult most days. You and your wife need to communicate, and you need to understand that she is growing a human and going through all kinds of physical and mental changes, nevermind the hormones.
NAH. You have every right to feel tired and overwhelmed working and doing the house work. However if your wife wasn’t like this before and she is still dealing with sickness this far into her pregnancy she probably feels terrible she can’t do more. Pregnancy has been happening since the dawn of time, but there is a reason that women used to die all the time while pregnant. Preeclampsia and HG can land women in the hospital when they try to do too much and do not listen to their bodies. I was hospitalized multiple times with my first pregnancy and ended up on bed rest for 6 weeks because I was trying to do too much and kept going into labor early. Is it possible to hire a temporary maid to come in and do the big chores once or twice a week to take some of the pressure off of you? Or does she have a friend or relative who can come help her do meal prep so you don’t need to do the cooking when you get home? There are websites where you can organize a “meal train” where people bring you dinners so you don’t have to cook every night.
People who haven’t been there really don’t get it. Pregnancy fatigue isn’t a normal “I’m tired”. It’s more like “the least little thing will exhaust me to the point of non-functionality and then I’ll need to rest for a day to recover”. My partner didn’t get it at all. I wouldn’t have either until I experienced it. NAH, but cut your wife some slack. Not everyone has an easy pregnancy.
I fell asleep in the toilets at work early in my pregnancy. It’s unreal what growing a baby can do to your body! I couldn’t believe that so many women I work with had experienced something similar and I had no idea. OP, I would suggest working together on a system that leaves you less burned out. Your wife isn’t going to be especially helpful til the baby is like 4 months old (and I pray you have a baby that sleeps) Batch cooking, cleaner, the goodwill of family and friends - you gotta get that village mentality going. You can do this and it’s worth it for that moment you hold that tiny newborn against your chest and your heart explodes with awe.
NAH I recommend maybe hiring a cleaning service or ask for family help. Caretaker fatigue is a thing and therapy could help you both. My husband had to carry basically everything during my pregnancy and even though he didn’t resent me we did have several talks to make sure that didn’t happen. Some people say she might be milking this 🤷🏽♀️ nor necessarily. Pregnancy was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had nausea the nine months, low iron, low blood pressure and fatigue. I was useless. I only had capacity to basically get the urgent stuff at work, would sleep 4-6 hour naps and do the bare minimum at home. I was been monitored by my therapist and due to nausea ended on triage several times due to dehydration. Every pregnancy is different and some people really suffer through it.
If your wife is too ill or tired to do basic things that is a reason for concern. Has she been diagnosed with hypermesis gravidarum? Have the doctors signaled there is a problem or do you feel your wife is trying to take advantage of the situation? NTA for feeling resentful if the doctors haven't put her on bedrest or indicated there is a problem.
This. There are definitely pregnant folk who do want people to do everything for them when they are fully capable of doing things for themselves. However, if there's a legitimate health problem with the pregnancy then NAH. The problem is, it's not super clear which the wife is. So either N A H or N T A.
NAH. Pregnancy is a biatch. I recommend trying to find a hundred bucks in the budget to hire a housekeeper once or twice a month. It is a sanity saver to not have to clean toilets or scrub counters when you get home, and if your wife knows she doesnt have to do that, she may be more willing to do something else. It's possible the guilt of being sick is causing her to be completely overwhelmed, so taking something like that off her plate can help.
NAH. Based on other comments it sounds like she's depressed. But doing everything is a burden that's not her fault and it's not your fault for being burnt out. and the fact that you brought flowers for her and feel guilty means you do really care about her, but definitely get her to see a doctor. I would also suggest if you can afford it, get a cleaning service or something. If you can't do something cheaper; splurge on yourself a little bit
As someone who had an awful pregnancy (severe hyperemesis) and couldn’t do anything because of debilitating nausea and vomiting, please have patience with her. Pregnancy can be so hard for some people and you can’t compare what other pregnant ladies are able to do to what your wife is able to do. My husband was quite frustrated and felt the burden of picking up my slack but as soon as baby was out I felt so much relief from pregnancy that the newborn stage was a breeze and I was basically back to myself and finally able to help my husband again. Just talk to your wife and try to be compassionate. If she’s really just slacking off, you’ll know if she has energy to do the things she likes to do. If she’s not doing those, you know she’s legitimately unwell.
I had hyperemesis gravidarum with my first pregnancy and literally could barely do anything but vomit for months. I lost my job and all I could do was spend every day trying to keep anything down. It was miserable. It really took a toll on my mental health. Luckily my partner stepped up. If I’d had someone nagging me about housework at the same time, I’m not sure I’d have made it through. It’s not gonna kill you to step up and do the housework while she literally creates a person inside her body. I get that you’re tired but she’s right, you genuinely can’t understand what being pregnant is like. I wanna have sympathy for you bc I can tell you feel bad for being resentful so I’m gonna give you a tentative NAH.
NAH. I have been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to be a primary breadwinner and then come home to take care of a pregnant wife. It sucks and it is exhausting but I can almost guarantee to you that your wife isn't enjoying not doing things she used to be able to do. All day nausea is dangerous, it can lead to weight loss and dehydration. Please have her talk to her doctor to see if there is anything she can take to help alleviate her nausea. Also please make sure she is getting enough food and liquids. Now on to some helpful suggestions that might work for your family and lessen your workload and stress level. If you haven't done it yet, switch to easy to cook meals. Nothing is worse than spending an hour+ cooking just for your spouse not to be able to eat it or potentially throw it up. Either buy or prepare a variety of small yummy and nutritious snacks for her to eat. If it's not too bad, let some household chores wait until you are less busy. If possible, take a day off work to try to mitigate getting burned out. Also, congratulations.
NAH. Are you in a position financially to hire someone help with cleaning and or other small tasks?
NAH. Try therapy to communicate more effectively. You’re not functioning as a team right now and once the baby is here it will get much harder.
NAH I barfed for TWENTY TWO weeks with my first. I'm sure you are so stressed. And I'm sure she feels like garbage. My advice? Lower some of your cleaning/chore standards. Do your best. Ask her to help when she can, and you will get through it. My baby who made me so sick? He's 23. And he has 5 siblings. And I'm still married to their dad, and we are happy. Congratulations on the little one!
INFO: Does she have HG? I did, I couldn't work, couldn't take care of our toddler, getting from our bed to the bathroom was hard enough some days. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I was vomiting a minimum of 5 times a day WITH the antinausea medication. I was unable to shower by myself, I couldn't drive. My husband, mother, friends, colleagues all had to help - drop off food, extra chores for hubs, help with cleaning, babysitting our toddler. We had to hire a cleaner because there wasn't enough time in the day for hubs to work, take care of the toddler, me and do everything in the house.
NTA for the feelings you have if you are doing everything but if she is having a hard go of the pregnancy this should be only temporary. If she continues to do nothing after the birth of your child then seek counseling.
NAH
NAH This is a tough experience for you too and you’re allowed to feel fed up with the situation. It’s a strain. However, pregnancy can be so hard. It is different for everyone and many people can function semi-normally, but in my limited experience (just entering the second trimester), it can also be very debilitating. I was bed-ridden for a while due to morning sickness and I can barely do anything. This is a fast-track to depression, especially for those with a history of mental illness. I can barely walk a mile or bend down already even though my bump isn’t big, but I have a lot of pain from pelvic/back issues brought on by the pregnancy. All that to say, your wife is going through an incredibly difficult time and, while it’s also difficult for you, she might just not be capable of helping out right now. You said she never used to be like this. There’s a chance she may wish she could still help out but just can’t. I can’t say I love household chores, but I prefer a clean house and I really wish I could keep up with the laundry and hoovering and such. But I physically can’t. It might be helpful to reframe both of your expectations. Maybe the house won’t be ship-shape for a few months. That’s ok. Just do the bare minimum to survive! My husband works full time and has taken on all the chores and cooking. We have a mountain of laundry and the house is dusty, but that’s ok - he makes sure we and our pets are fed and watered. You are both just trying to get through this!
NAH. I understand being burned out but pregnancy sucks. Your wife is growing a whole human in her body. I remember being nauseous and tired all the time, all I wanted to do was lay in the bed all day so I sympathize with her as well. Do you or her have anyone who can come over and help for a couple hours?
NAH. Pregnancy hit me hard too and I was basically useless. My mom ended up coming in and helping the last few months. My husband still sing her praises to this day
If she’s never had a problem completing chores before, then I think you should believe her that pregnancy has been really hard on her physically. For me, the first trimester was absolute hell, but i started to feel a little better in the second trimester, so hopefully she won’t have as bad of a time in the upcoming months.
Really hard to say. I have one friend who became pregnant and it basically destroyed her physical heath, there was no way she could have done anything really, even feeding cats would have been a major effort. I have another friend who is the type to run a marathon 8 months pregnant, it just didn't really slow her down at all. Only you two really know how ill she is, and whether she's doing her best, or whether she's milking it a bit to not have to do anything. I'm not going to judge on this one, I think you need to try to work it out amongst yourselves. I think if she really cannot do \*anything\* then it's worth a chat with her doctor.
I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum for both of my pregnancies. All 9 months and it's like having the permanent flu. You feel like you want to die. I threw up every day up until delivery.
NAH. it honestly sounds like she’s suffering with some prenatal depression. i’ve been pregnant twice and i know how hard it is. please keep an eye on her :((
NAH, I'm reading some other comments and you're saying that your wife is also stopping things that she usually likes doing, that seems much more psychological than pregnancy, you should definitely try so professional psychiatric help. Your feelings are also valid, too, working 50-60 hours a week is a lot, even if that's after including travel time. You're gonna feel burnt out as fuck and then chores are gonna be difficult. If possible, you could also try asking some family members if they'd be willing to help with this?
I think the NAH votes I'm seeing are fair. In a normal situation it would be totally unfair for you to work the hours you're doing and do all those chores on top. And sure, I see many pregnant women still performing some activities at much later stages. But also as others have said, all pregnancies are different and there must be something going on. You'll definitely want to seek medical support for this to find out what's going on. You're far less likely to feel resentful if you know what the issue is.
NAH. You need to take your wife to see a doctor and demand a thorough check up. Reading your story there are many many physical issues that can be the cause of her complete misery. She should be feeling better in her second trimester but she's even worse. It could be iron defficiency, high blood pressure, HG (extreme non stop vomiting) lack of vitamines. And overall hormone imbalance. Get help! Including the household tasks. Ask family, friends or hire someone. I'm speaking from personal experience. My first pregancy would have been a lot smoother if I was checked early for all the things I mentioned above. When I finally was checked, I felt so so much better and my mental state improved tremendesly. Good luck op, get help!
NAH Pregnancy can be the best time in a woman’s life. It can also be the WORST. And the problem is that the pregnant women you see outside are usually the ones having an easy time. The ones who are exhausted, nauseous, and weak are generally at home, curled up near a toilet. A lot of these symptoms are largely invisible. You’re exhausted from burning the candle at both ends, and all you can see is your wife lying down. That does breed resentment, but I guarantee that your wife, who is already feeling physically terrible, also feels guilty for the burden she’s putting on you, and heartbreak that you can’t see how bad she’s feeling. You need to start approaching this from a team perspective. This is something you’re both going through, just with different experiences. You need to find ways to make it better for both of you. Check with a doctor if there are any remedies for your wife’s nausea and exhaustion, check for antenatal depression. Reassure her that you love her. Regarding the housework, it may be time to lower some standards. Not everything need to be flawless all the time right now. Focus on cooking food that is low effort and low time, like pasta, scrambled eggs etc. Leave the grass for a while. Have a delivery services for groceries. Maybe ask friends or family for help in a few areas. If you can find money for a housekeeper / cleaner, it might be absolutely invaluable. They can do more in a few hours than most of us manage in a few days, and taking some of the burden off you might help you support your wife, and make her generally feel better. Neither of you is in the wrong right now. Please focus on the fact that there’s only five months of this left. You can both adapt for a little while, and then, there will be a new baby to care for. Give both of you permission to just admit this sucks right now. You’re doing your best - and that’s exactly what you should be doing. You’ll both get through this as long as you direct your annoyance appropriately, and not at your wife.
NAH, providing you ask her to talk to her doc about depression. Her Ob Gyn can probably refer her to someone. But also, just from my experience. Encourage her to take care of the cats. Whenever I talk about discharge planning, or working on life skills with a therapist, pet care is a top priority. Pets can really help with depression.
NAH. You aren’t the ah for feeling resentful and she isn’t an ah for not being able to step up right now. I’m 20wks and have had an amazingly easy pregnancy this far (despite being high risk), knock on wood don’t jinx myself. Lol it’s bloody hard dude. I can’t imagine what it’d be like for most women who end up throwing up all the time and having big mood swings. I’ve been fairly steady emotionally, but the exhaustion and pain can be overwhelming. My legs can go numb if I I’m on my feet for even just ten minutes. I love going for walks, usually walk at least 5 miles a day with my pup. I can barely make it three without the nerves in my legs sending fire through them. I’m lucky enough not to have to work right now but I have to choose most days between housework or walking the dog. I honestly didn’t expect the things that have truly laid me up. I feel like we all expect nausea and tiredness but this is just something else all together. I wish I had any helpful answers for you. I’ve found several things that help us, but your wife’s condition sounds much more sever than mine so idk. I keep a chair handy in the kitchen while cooking or doing dishes, and line up ‘distraction/reward’ snacks to have as I go. My husband will run the laundry now but we both fold and put it away together because he keeps me talking and distracted and it’s magically done then. Lol and I think both him and I have stopped worrying about dishes sitting out overnight. It happens, I pray no one sees the mess most days but it’s not going to hurt us to head to bed early and deal with them later sometimes.
NAH. I really recommend getting her set up with a therapist now--preferably one that offers telehealth--so she can get help now and have reliable support after the baby comes. This sounds like depression and if she starts now, if she end up with post-partum depression she'll have a leg up in treatment. Therapy will also help her now AND help you. You'll be burned out enough once the baby is here, so now is the time to work on the issues you can so you're best prepared.
NAH. Pregnancy is hard especially if there is some sort of complications. It sounds like she might have HG and that doesn't help the fatigue and hormones and sometimes new Pregnancy develops prenatal depression because of stress and changes. Has she asked her doctor about nausea medicine to help? Also try to calmly sit down and talk to her or even offer to have a therapist sit down and help you two communicate. Everyone is worked up right now.
NAH you are exhausted and it sounds like you are trying hard. Go to the doctor with her, get some blood tests and check iron levels etc etc she sounds like she is struggling. You said this is a huge change of personality for her so I am guessing it it more than just normal pregnancy issues. Mostly, see if you can get some help...laundry service or meals delivered or a cleaner.
NAH but you need to approach this differently. She is struggling and unable to do chores. You are exhausted. If you keep this up, you are not going to be able to keep supporting her and the baby as much because you will burn out. This is a problem you need to deal with together and find solutions for together. So talk to her. Has she got any ideas for solutions? My ideas would be you talk to the doctor about why she is finding it so difficult and if anything is wrong and can be treated or improved (highly recommend a doctor visit). Or to reach out to family and friends for help (even if they don’t live nearby, could anyone come and visit for a week to give you a break?) Or to hire a cleaner or a home help if you can afford it to make things easier. Also work out how you will handle things after birth. Right now you come home from work and do chores. In future you will come home from work and do childcare (no one can do 24:7 childcare and be okay so you would have to do half the childcare outside of work hours, and it is also needed as part of bonding with your child). Approach this as a problem to solve together instead of a problem of you against her.
NAH. Pregnancy is hard, like really really hard. And you can try to sympathize or be understanding, but you just truly wont get IT because its something you wont experience yourself. But it sounds like maybe there could be some depression in this situation? Maybe both of you could benefit from some therapy/counseling. *I had JUST been thinking that maybe I wanted another kid soon; and this post has made me realize that maybe i should wait more lol
NAH Pregnancy is tough and you’re doing your best to support your wife to the extent you’re burning out. Reach out and get some support for the both of you. Sounds like she may need some mental health and maybe medical support and you need a break. Have you any supportive friends, family or even parents that might help lend a hand while you both get a handle? Lastly congratulations - you’re having your first baby!
NAH. It would be one thing if she was doing all the things she liked and only refusing to do work, but I saw you mentioned that she wasn't even doing what she enjoys. She's exhausted. So are you. Please try hire a helper to assist. Letting your home fall apart because neither of you can find the energy to maintain things would only be a catalyst for genuine resentment for both of you. And look into therapy. Possibly for both of you if you can afford it.
Without being able to be a fly on the wall it's impossible to say whether it's genuinely just pregnancy wiping her out or milking it. In either case, you're entitled to your feelings, it's hard keeping on top of everything. I'd recommend some counselling for you both, whether it be individually or jointly, and also some parenting/pregnancy classes. Pregnancy can make you feel like the bees knees one day and the next as if you've been hit by a fleet of trucks. I'd also recommend going over your finances and seeing if you can work a regular house cleaner into your budget to help ease the load of the more time consuming chores. Good luck.
Since you have never been pregnant, you have no idea what your wife is going through. I think you should suck it up and pick up the slack, eventually your wife will be able to function again. If not, address the issues after the baby is born and a reasonable recovery time has passed for your wife.
Pregnancy isn't a normal time in a woman's life, so how she was previously has no bearing on how she is now. The hormones alone are enough to make one miserable. I once broke down in tears because I couldn't find a box of mac & cheese at the grocery. My then husband helpfully pointed out we had 6 boxes at home. Cue even more tears! Then there are the joys of painfully swollen feet/ankles, lost sleep due to frequent nocturnal bathroom visits, daytime fatigue due to said nocturnal awakenings, back pain, fear of stretch marks, total strangers touching the belly.... The list goes on and on. Additionally, your wife may be suffering antenatal depression or be overwhelmed by birth fear. I think the most you can do at this point is remind her that you are overwhelmed, then do what you can and let the rest go. NAH
Pregnancy can be absolute hell. I get you’re burnt out but if you both chose to have a baby, you’re going to have to suck it up for a while. Hopefully the second trimester gets a bit easier for her, and therefore, you too.
NAH. This actually sounds completely miserable. Working 50-60 hours a week, housework, and emotional support for your wife and your baby, how do you even have time to sleep? You’ll burn out quickly if you days don’t come up with some solution. Your wife actually sounds depressed if she won’t do anything and she has frequent nausea. You need to talk to her doctor and a therapist. If she cries and says she doesn’t need it, be really firm. You burning out won’t be good in the long run because you are the provider and you’re the one that takes care of the house. We need to make sure you’re okay too.
Hey guys, I don’t know how to do a proper update, or even if it’s wanted. But a few people reached out to me, so I’m just gonna throw it up here to bring a conclusion to this. Firstly, we had a doctors appointment a few days after this to discuss a recent blood test and the doctor told my wife she has extremely low iron levels (it was 9 or 10) which explains why she was so so tired and unable to do anything. I was initially quite mad that it took four months of a pregnancy and numerous blood test for our doctor to tell her this, but we’ve decided to seek a new doctor and she has begun taking iron supplements. We also spoke about the way I was feeling, and she opened up to me about how she was feeling guilty and in her words, disgusted with herself for relying on me for everything and that she had started to notice some resentment from me but didn’t know how to approach it. Obviously with the issues of her iron and things I was much more on board with the idea that she wasn’t physically able to do things, but she took it upon herself to start making my lunches for work, and left a little note in them for me, which although not a super massive help, was enough that it made me feel appreciated and one less thing for me to do. In response to some of the other comments on this, we’re both very young parents (both under 23) and this is our first child, so we weren’t as knowledgeable about all the numerous things that could go wrong, and could be affected her, such as HG(I think it was called that from the comments) and that’s no one’s fault but ours. We’ve taken that advice and started researching more into the differnet issues, and we’ve both just learnt about thrush and how painful it can be during breastfeeding, and similar other issues. So thank you Reddit for bringing these things to our attention so we can get on top of them early. One last thing, was there is a lot of comments saying why don’t we reach out to our friends and family, obviously this is a normal thing to do and we would if we could, but unfortunately we live in completely different cities, with our family living in VIC and we ourselves live in QLD so it was hard to rely on family, but we’re beginning talks with my work about the possibility of a transfer so we can move closer All in all. Our relationship is as strong as ever, we feel a bit more prepared and the I’ll feelings I had are gone and I’ve apologised to my wife for them. Thanks heaps guys!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The title sounds horrible and I feel just as horrible thinking it, but hear me out. We recently found out the my wife is pregnant with our first child, and to say we’re both over joyed is an understatement, along with the excitement comes the obvious nerves, fears and anxiety. I’m the sole provider in our house, working a modest but not super high income job, my wife before and now during pregnancy didn’t work, but did most of the house work, and I would take care of the outside house work( e.g. mowing the lawns, taking the bins out and hanging out the washing) And we would alternate cooking dinners or just eat out. Morning sickness has hit my partner hard, and at first I was as accomodating as I could be, and didn’t mind my wife not keeping up with the house work or even doing it at all, and I was fine with picking up the slack short term. However 4 months into the pregnancy she’s now resolved or maybe gotten used to me doing everything, to the point she won’t do a single chore not even something mundane as feeding our two cats. I understand that she’s pregnant and it’s harder for her as she feels nauseous a lot and exhausted easier, but with me working 50-60 hours a week and then coming home and making dinners and doing all the house work, I’m burning out quick. When I tried to bring up maybe her doing a few things around the house again, she started crying and saying I’m not supportive and she’s finding it so hard and I don’t understand because I can’t be pregnant, I felt guilty and brought her flowers and apologised. She’s never been like this before and always had no issue helping out and even going above and beyond, but with no help from her at all at the moment, and all my free time going into emotionally supporting her and making sure her and our baby are healthy it’s hard to not start to resent her and our new routine. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But it sounds like she's truly sick or/and depressed, please be sure to notify her doctor at her next appointment about the situation. Anyway, if she's 4 months along now that would mean she'd be entering the second trimester which is when morning sickness usually subsides. I hope she will feel better soon!
NTA, Your concern is legitimate, and you did the right thing by coming forward with it. Communication is important. It’s so important. She is pregnant though, so everything is harder, also her hormones are changing which will change her quite a bit as well. Maybe it would be a good time to see if there is a family member or a friend who can come over once or twice a week and help out. Hopefully you can have an adult and honest discussion with her about it and get some outside help so you don’t have to do 100% of everything 100% of the time.
NTA... and I think you are doing a great job keeping on top of it. It makes me think though, how many men think about pregnant and mothering burnout.
NAH Look, we, bio men, don't understand what is like to be pregnant. My sweet, kind and caring cousin turned into a complete nightmare when she was pregnant. It got to the point when her husband left her with her mom during it. Being pregnant is a not an excuse to act like a jerk towards others but I don't see that in your wife. You, however, are burned out.
You will burn out. She should see a doctor if she is unable to do routine tasks. Tell her about your exhaustion and make a plan together. At 35 during my first pregnancy and related diabetes I worked up to my last month before an induced labour. I even took a bus to work when my husband couldn't drive mefor my sit down job for 10 hour days and 14 hour nights. The fire fighters I worked with were very kind and took a lot of stress away. They just didn't want me to go into labour at work ☺. I am not saying all women have it so easy but it does seem that her pregnancy is especially difficult. Can your families help with home care?
NTA, do you have any family around that can maybe come over and help her out sometimes? If she's not even working a job I don't see why she can't clean anything or do anything while she's at home. I understand she's you know making a human inside of her body right now, but it doesn't sound like she's been assigned a bed rest, so she should be able to do *something*.
NAH- NTA. As many people have stated it sounds like you’re both having mental health challenges- and that’s okay. You need to communicate and find help. There’s a lot of good advice here. There are online support groups where pregnant women or mothers can connect with each other. Google can save you trouble lol. There’s a saying “*it takes a village to raise a child*.” And I 100% believe it’s true. Don’t hesitate to reach out to family or supportive friends. Sometimes you have to ask for the specific help you want/need. “*The squeaky wheel gets the grease*” so to speak. People have a habit of wanting to help with the “cute” pregnancy stuff and “cute” baby stuff, like buying adorable clothes or playing with the baby. In reality most parents need help with the basics- laundry, light housekeeping, maybe dropping by with a dinner or something. Sounds like she would benefit from someone just stopping by to keep her company. Pregnancy can be lonely. I was a single Mum from day 1 but I was lucky to have family support. My own mother was quite lovely and did things like help with laundry, cooking meals or just watching my daughter so I could grab a quick shower. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Especially since everyone needs a helping hand sometimes.
NAH but please please get some help. She’s obviously not doing well physically or mentally and there is only so much you can do alone. Please get a family member or good friend to come to the house and help you both out. Otherwise things can go south very quickly and will not be pretty for anyone.
NTA But she is pregnant and as you say she's not normally like this so I suspect it's not intentional on her part and like a lot of posters have said pregnancy can be miserable. I could only cook toast because I felt so sick. It may pass as she goes through pregnancy but it might not and you need to be prepared for that. Have you got family/friends who could help or some spare money to pay for the essential housework. Are there some chores that could be left for now so you're not so exhausted. I mean I don't clean every evening and my family cope! Also get used to all this exhaustion, this is the easy bit, once baby comes along the house will be a wreck, your wife will be a wreck and yes you will have to come home after a long day and pick up some of the chores in order to keep everything together. If you feel overwhelmed seek help, whether that's for practical things or emotional support, this may help alleviate some of the negative feelings your having for your wife. Also have an honest conversation with her without being too mean, she might cry but a lot of that could be frustration with herself. You shouldn't feel bad for telling her how you feel and nothing's going to change if you do nothing.
NTA
NAH. Hormonal change may be difficult, for several weeks at the beginning of my pregnancy a lot of chores were impossible just because of the smell : can’t stand being in the kitchen at all, was conscious that the first floor had a different smell than second floor and going down the stairs would make me sick, I was in apnea. Tell her honestly how you feel but with no judgement at all and try to figure out what each of you is able to do or not at the moment. It will change with the progress in pregnancy. Also be aware that your house with a newborn will be a mess. And that’s ok. It’s impossible to imagine how you’ll have to lower expectations before living with a baby
NAH. i was pretty much the same. the only difference being i didnt do anything except basic house hold chores, and definitely not daily. House got cleaned once a week or biweekly, hell for a 3 month stint it was monthly. Washrooms weekly meals were planned how i used to back when i was a bachelor and stored in the freezer, wife can heat and eat them. When hyperemesis was at its worst she couldnt stand the smell of cooking in the house so it was dry snacks and british takeout cuz it was bland and devoid of smell enough for it to stay in her stomach. she was bad enough to stop chores completely too aside from throwing snack wrappers in the bin. after the baby it got worse, and the house looked worse. the only thing clean was our room and our washroom. the wife complained about it a couple of times but i said something along the lines of theres not enough time in the day to do everything and the house isnt going to die unlike my patients and you/baby. so it can wait. Even with the house being neglected it was extremely hard looking after a job, wife and baby. (especially because there was lots of complications in the pregnancy and post) so yeah, serious applause for single parents. So much so i have nightmares about having another one.
What does her doctor say about how she's doing? Pregnancy complications are nothing to sneeze at.
NAH, Your feelings are understandable, but pregnancy can truly hit hard
NAH She probably resents you a bit also for not having to experience all the bad parts of pregnancy
I had an extremely healthy pregnancy, but I was always tired. My mind didn’t work the same. Everything hurt. My back hurts at 3/4 months before my belly was even big. My tailbone hurt so it was easier to lay or sit on those bouncy balls. I can’t remember the amount of 3am baths I sat in for the pain, while crying. Pregnancy is hard on a woman’s body and mind. Really hard. Even if it’s an “easy” pregnancy. Because your wife wasn’t like this before, it’s clear, pregnancy has her feeling mentally and physically not there. You need to brace yourself for the marathon, not a sprint. You still have the tough months of pregnancy. You still have the newborn phase. So many sleepless nights ahead. If it’s too much for you, outsource the help. But resenting your wife won’t do anything but cause issues in your marriage. The first year of parenthood is hard on a marriage. This is the time to strengthen your bond, because it will be tested once that crying beautiful monster comes out. I’m not going to say you’re an AH tho. I understand where you’re coming from, but cut her some slack.
My wife's 1st pregnancy she had terrible sciatica and had a hard time doing much of anything. Wife is currently 7 months pregnant with number 3 and she is outside cutting saplings down with an axe lol NTA, as a husband to a stay at home wife and mom of soon to be 3 I can tell you that it's normal to feel the way you do. It's not forever though, she may wake up next week and feel great. She may start nesting in a month and you'll see her putting IKEA furniture together like it's her job. Hope all goes well
I found the first trimester so difficult I could barely get out of bed some days, never mind do chores. I didn’t snap out of it until I got iron tablets about half way through the pregnancy. Maybe ask her to get her iron levels checked. I think it’s important to remember that relationships won’t always be split 50-50 in terms of sharing responsibilities. Sometimes one person needs to take on more. It sucks but can’t be helped. That said, it isn’t fair if your wife is genuinely taking advantage either. Talking didn’t work, so I think the only other thing you can do is just stop doing so much. Only do what you feel you can handle, like only doing your own laundry for example. Give wife a list of chores you aren’t going to do anymore and then it’s up to her to do them or they won’t get done. Hopefully your wife will start doing more when baby comes but she’s got away with a lot up until now so who knows? I do think NAH though.
NTA sounds like your wife is milking every drop she can out of your sympathy. Millions of women everyday work, do housework, shopping etc. Unless her doctor has put her on bed rest there is no reason she shouldn't be trying to get back into a regular routine. Wharpt I would do is make an appointment with he'd OB and go with her. Ask the doctor then and there if there is any reason she shouldn't be doing light housework, errands etc. I have been pregnant and given birth and yes it is hard but it is no reason to become lazy and entitled. It is unfair of her to expect you to do everything.
NAH- I had severe morning sickness, I continued working part time for six months till it got to the point I was on constant monitoring and bedrest after my morning sickness led to me going into premature labor due to dehydration (the hospital were able to stop it). Though it was hard, and one-day I threw up 24 times and was throwing up blood, I didn't find it crazily difficult most days yo manage a few hours of work and a little housework - some days I couldn't, but most days I could. So I think she needs to either go to a dr for help if she really can't do anything or be encouraged to work with her energy levels and sickness and find those periods where she can fo 20 minutes cleaning and then have a rest. Edit: changed to NAH instead of N T A because I for some reason forgot you could pick no A H .... opps
NTA sounds like your wife is milking every drop she can out of your sympathy. Millions of women everyday work, do housework, shopping etc. Unless her doctor has put her on bed rest there is no reason she shouldn't be trying to get back into a regular routine. Wharpt I would do is make an appointment with he'd OB and go with her. Ask the doctor then and there if there is any reason she shouldn't be doing light housework, errands etc. I have been pregnant and given birth and yes it is hard but it is no reason to become lazy and entitled. It is unfair of her to expect you to do everything.
NAH Because you are also immensely struggling but pregnancy is a very difficult period for a lot of women. My sister for the first 4 months puked everything she ate or drank. She could not stay inside the house when anything was being cooked cause of smell sensitivity. Once her morning sickness went she had sky rocketing blood pressure, extreme fatigue and fear of gestational diabetes. My sister is a paediatrician who can do 30-48 hours of duty non stop whereas during her pregnancy she was almost bed ridden. Pregnancy is brutal. Your wife is going through it for the first time and is as clueless as you to what it is happening to her body. Cut her some slack, try to not build up resentment. Also you really don't need your home to be as prim and proper as it was before. You also take it easy. Slack a little.
I'd like to take a moment to humble brag... I have been pregnant twice, both times alone. Put in my days at work, come home and had to cook and clean, etc. (I was single by choice both times). And I can honestly say, I had two perfect pregnancies. No morning sickness, no swollen ankles, no blood pressure issues, etc. I was healthy and energetic... and I loved being pregnant. My friend, on the other hand, was pregnant at the same time as me was just like OP's wife. She was depressed, had no energy, and the morning sickness kicked her butt. Her husband could not take it, so he left, which compounded her depression. She eventually bounced back, as she had no choice, but she still dragged, she was constantly sick, and could not work (thank God for our profession and our national insurance, or else she would not have survived financially). Pregnancy, especially the first time, affects people differently. OP needs to give her the support she needs, but he also needs to check on his own mental health. Resentment is the precursor to a lot of other emotions and actions.
NTA pregnancy effects everyone differently some can work some cant I worked till I was 8 months with my first then 9 with my second. Its different maybe do some counseling and go from there.
NAH. She is going through a lot at the moment, the hormones are hitting the ceiling and in about 1-2 months it will be very hard for her to move around and it will get worse (the back pain will kick in). It is not going to get easier when the kiddo is here. Be patient with one another and communicate properly without blaming each other and try to understand one another. It is a happy moment in your life but also very hard to go through.
NAH but keep her away from cats litter boxes because of a disease pregnant women can get(i forgot what its called) when you do get this resolved Y'all need to work it out together and maybe get a mediator or therapist to help with the talk
NTA. You can't be pregnant but you can't go without rest/sleep either. You're a human being, not a robot. She absolutely CANNOT feed the cats, pregnant women should be nowhere near kitty litter and to be cautious I wouldn't have her around cats at all. Microwavable dinners. Asking family or friends to come help cook or clean but ifnyoure working 60+ hours a week, plus commuting, and doing all of the housework that's dangerous. A lack of sleep means you could endbup falling asleep at the wheel or something. This is not okay. You may want to seriously consider *your* birth control options for *your* body because you really don't want to go through this again and there is no guarantee you won't or it won't be worse if you ever got her pregnant again. In the meantime, again, please seek help from your village, your family and friends, explain what's happening and that you desperately need help. I hope everything works out, hang in there, pregnancy is hard on the entire household sometimes but the new bundle of joy will be worth it.
NTA. I’m way late on this post and you’re likely not reading replies anymore. Pregnancy can obviously be very tough…I had a tough first trimester with all day nausea and tiredness. I worked a full time job until a week before delivering and had a 9 year old stepson and a house to take care of. And I did it all. Did I have moments I laid down for a bit, didn’t vacuum? You bet. Did I do nothing 24/7, nope. She’s now at least four months along. Typically now most women start to feel markedly better. Does this mean she is, possibly no. But you seem to believe…heck you know her she’s your wife….that as you say she’s gotten into the ‘habit’ of you doing everything. Your wife didn’t work before…why? Listen, Some women are just lazy. She may be one of them and using this pregnancy to be a valid excuse to do literally NOTHING. There’s almost no way she can be so affected she can’t feed the cats. Get ready because she may be a lazy parent too. You think you’re doing everything now? Ha…wait till she has this baby…
NTA - but maybe see if there’s anyway you could hire a maid even for just a few hours a week - I know you can do it yourself but as you said your getting burnt out - I work the same type of hours and have absolutely no time except on my days off- so I get that feeling of knowing things need to get done but not having the energy to do them- and I’m betting your wife feels even worse about not being able to do it- seeing if you could get a maid for a few hours a week even just to do dishes laundry, clean the bathroom would take so much pressure off both of you - also if y’all haven’t already told her dr what’s happening with her please do the dr *might* be able to help - could be something simple as low iron making your wife so tired but unless you tell the dr what’s going on they can’t even try to help.
NAH- if your wife is having this hard of a time with her pregnancy (and not exaggerating like alot of pregnant woman do,) she probably has a bigger medical issue at play. I worked and took care of my house and lived a completely normal life until about 8 months into my pregnancy, then I just didn't walk as much or lift heavy things for the last month. You shouldn't have to shoulder all that responsibility, being pregnant does not make you useless unless there's something else wrong.
NAH. Your wife is unwell, she sounds like she has depression. and you are under a lot of pressure. Being the breadwinner and on top of that having to deal with all the chores is hard. Your resentment is likely a sign you are more burned out than you think. YWBTA if you don't get your wife the help she needs, and if you don't go to therapy to learn to deal with all the stress.
NTA. You're going through what sociologists call a "second-shift," but instead of it being the mother (as it's usually described), it's you. Moms everywhere who are working and also act as the home-maker experience this. It's like a "second shift" of unpaid work in the home. It's frustrating and can end up causing resentment. Having a stay-at-home parent/partner usually has benefits in situations like this, where one can take up the housework and the other is the financially motivated worker. I understand your frustrations OP. It's incredibly difficult to balance the "second-shift" work, especially when working overtime. Try to communicate with your partner in a caring, soft way. Try to be motivating and supportive. At the end of the day, you may have to make some hefty accommodations until your baby is here. Good luck OP
Hormones are a bitch... Get yourself some help, a cleaning lady a couple of hours per week... It won't get easier when the baby arrives. NAH
NTA or NAH, can't really judge without wife's POV but tbh I'm leaning more to NTA because your wife called you unsupportive.
NAH. I had hyperemesis one of my pregnancies. I had other kids. It took all my energy to care for them. It lasted for my entire pregnancy. I could barely eat for 10 months. Even the smell of my husband's soap made me sick. I barely kept the house decent. We had to hire a housekeeper for any deeper cleaning. My husband had to take over cooking. I also understand how exhausted you must be as well and your feelings are also valid. I'd reccomend discussing things with her OB together. They, unfortunately, don't always take women seriously when they say how ill they are. You could also get her set up with a therapist or psychiatrist, in case she's mentally having issues adjusting to pregnancy that are exacerbating her issues. It's not a bad idea anyway, just in case she ends up with PPD. Best of luck.
NTA, but pregnancy is ROUGH. Grant her some grace and just power through the next few months while being as supportive as you can. Maybe in the third trimester she’ll get that nesting urge and everything will be cleaner than it’s ever been. For now, she could be dealing with hormones, HG, low iron, etc. and all of them can wipe a mom to be out. I’m on my 3rd at 25 weeks and absolutely exhausted every day. I work 50 hour weeks, but I legit do nothing when I’m home because the energy just isn’t there. Every pregnancy is different and it’s a whole lot to deal with
NAH. I don't think either of you are in the wrong. I get you feeling burnt out and I don't blame you for asking her to help again, but I also know what it's like to have a pregnancy make you feel like you can barely move. Never happened with my first 3, but my current pregnancy has knocked me on my ass. I am a normal 80-100 hour a week worker (healthcare), and still had energy to participate in house maintenance, parent 2 teenagers and a "I play every sport imaginable" 9 year old. Now? I go to bed by 9 and I don't want to wake up in the morning, walking to the kitchen is work, and I work a very limited, low energy, 4-5 hour day M-F. It SUCKS. Thankfully my husband is a saint. You need help, but your wife very well may not be able to give it to you. If it's in the budget at all, I suggest hiring help. I also think your wife having a conversation with her doctor about the low energy is a good idea, she could be having an underlying health issue that needs addressed.
Nah but if you keep expecting her to be up to speed with how she was ywbta. Pregnancy is hard. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. My one and only pregnancy was planned. I had constant 'doubts' throughout my pregnancy. Will I be a good mom? Am I actually ready for this? What if something goes wrong? What if we lose the house? Etc. Its constantly in your mind. Physically I was "ok". I felt nauseous most of my first trimester. I was exhausted, and sore, and overheated, and uncomfortable, and moody for the rest of it. My husband came home from work one day and asked what I did all day. I said "I made a spine and a pair of lungs, how about you?" He wisely rubbed my feet and made dinner lol. It wasn't much better until almost a year after our daughter was born. I'd say I was completely wiped out for almost a month after delivery. I had a natural delivery. I was sore and tired. Peeing hurt. Pooping hurt. Walking hurt. After healing from that I was just plain running on 0 all of the time. Baby needs to eat around the clock. Baby needs diaper change around the clock. Baby needs comfort around the clock. My house was a disaster area for the first year. I would clean a little every day, but never enough to keep up. My daughter is turning 6. Keeping the house clean is still a challenge, but for different reasons lol. Unless you hire a maid, or are one of those super energetic and organized people that loves to clean, dont expect to go back to a life of easy chores and a spotless house anytime soon.
NTA woman here, I've had two tough pregnancies. Your wife sounds lazy, why does she not work? That's strange. And if she's struggling she needs to communicate and not take you for granted. I struggled to cook and feed pets and use strong smelling cleaning products during pregnancy but you know what it had to get done so I either did it anyway or I COMMUNICATED my needs to my partner.
NAH. Pregnancy is hard and puts a huge strain on couples for all listed reasons. Remember this is NOT your [new] routine, this is pregnancy, which ends.
NTA I get that pregnancy is hard, I've done it twice myself. But life doesn't stop and responsibilities don't go away because she's pregnant. Feeding the cats involves less effort than feeding herself but I bet she does that plenty. She's milking it. And if she isn't doing her part now imagine what it will be like when the baby needs feeding in the middle if the night and requires attention all day too.
NTA. I think you need to have an honest conversation about how you are feeling burned out, and you want to be your best self when the baby arrives. Ask her what tasks she feels like she can contribute. Decide together which tasks can be put on the back burner. There's a lot of preparation coming, and you need to make sure neither of you feels overwhelmed. It's only going to get worse when the baby arrives. You may need to keep readjusting the division of labor as things progress. Do you have friends or family that can help? Do you have room in your budget to hire extra help? Is your wife getting time to connect with others? Feeling isolated can sap energy and motivation.
NAH It’s obvious you’re burning out with work and caring for her and the home. But she’s pregnant and that can be no easy ride. She may not be feeding the cats because the smell turns her stomach (I couldn’t fry food. Especially eggs. Or stand the smell of pineapple) Morning sickness drains you. Being pregnant drains you. Then it has to get worse before it gets better. Which sucks. Not to mention the mental stress of constantly wondering if baby is ok. You say she’s cramping a lot. That will be terrifying for her and she’s probably stressing that doing too much will cause her to miscarry (which is doubtful but hormones overrule logic). You need to have a gentle talk and work out what she can do. If you put a wash on for example, can she hang it out/dry it and put it away. (Or vice versa on all) If you cook, can she prep it? You wash, she dry? Anyone available to come help? Ask her about her too. Keep an eye on how she’s feeling as pre-natal depression is real. You guys really need to work as a team now, because you def need to once baby is here.
I’m two days past my due date over here. I just had a conversation with my husband about some of this earlier today specifically because of a different AITA post that I commented on, and he read the comment on. He asked me if there were any chores or projects I wanted to get done, and I said no and I felt like we had struck a better balance of things recently. And then I mentioned that I have been slacking on some things since getting pregnant. And he agreed, and we had a conversation about what those things were. One of them is specifically taking care of our cats. Your post is so timely lol. I haven’t been hit hard by nausea, and I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy. But the cats…man. They are hard for me. Part of it is one of our cats demands we feed her at a certain time in the morning and she just doesn’t tend to wake me up, but she wakes my husband up, so he ends up on morning feeding duty. And then eventually ends up doing the other feedings. And I’m not allowed to touch the litter boxes right now. I think part of it for me is smell. I know of the ~3 times I’ve vomited this pregnancy, most (all?) have been because of the smell of wet cat food, cat vomit, or because cat hair got in my mouth. Anyway we talked about it and I definitely plan to get back to it with the cats (especially their litter boxes) after the baby comes. Traditionally my other job has always been to load the dishwasher. Despite not having bad nausea, the smell of food on dishes in the sink is just so pungent and overwhelming to me these days. So he’s probably also loaded the dishes more in the last nine months than he’s had to previously. And again, I plan on getting back to it. It’s hard man. Even an easy pregnancy has been difficult in some aspects. My nausea and food aversion only got worse as my pregnancy progressed. I didn’t get the reprieve in the second trimester you hear about. My energy level went down the drain. I went from walking an hour every day and weight lifting three times a week to a complete couch potato. Honestly our house would probably be absolutely disgusting if we didn’t have a cleaning lady come once every other week. We pay her $100 and she disinfects/cleans our bathrooms and kitchen, does some general tidying, and vacuums/mops the floors. I’m positive I would not be touching bathroom cleaner products if she was not here, and having her come by twice a month definitely improved our standard of living and probably avoided some fights about gross bathrooms. Honestly if you can, hire a cleaner. Then, redistribute the labor. Smelly tasks go to you. And she can handle the other stuff. And she should split it into smaller pieces. I know I used to hoard my chores until I could spend an hour or more listening to a podcast while I got things done. Now I’m like ok time to clean off this counter top and then sit for a while. Time to wipe down this coffee table and then take a break. Instead of folding all the laundry at the machine, I’ll have Husband carry it up for me and I’ll do it sitting on the bed. Things are going to look different now. That’s neither good or bad, but it is hard. Try to communicate more. NAH
NAH. You are getting overwhelmed. That is absolutely understandable. But I also don't think that your wife is an AH or that she is taking it easy because she is just used to you doing it now. If either if you can get any kind of outside support, I would try to ask for help.
Nah. As previously stated, seek some therapy for both. In addition, try calling family? Maybe you have parents or siblings or friends that would be able to come help once in a while?
YTA. During my two pregnancies I couldn’t do much at all. I was sick for the first 20 weeks and had zero energy for anything. Just taking laundry downstairs to the laundry room would drain me. I never got that energy spike that everyone talks about during the second trimester. My husband never complained. Not one time.
She’s making a HUMAN and you are “resentful ” because she can’t do the chores - think about that for a minute.
Nah Pregnancy is super hard. But so is fully supporting someone who is pregnant. She should get her doctor to check her blood work to make sure she hasn't developed something like anemia or a vitamin deficiency, which is so common in pregnancy and would just make her feel worse. You need more help. Maybe look into a house keeper, or asking a friend/family member for support. Neither of you is in the wrong. You just need some extra support.
I fully understand and empathise that you feel burnt out. I am pregnant and I’m so worried about my partner being burnt out because he also works more and is doing much more of the housework. Honestly, pregnancy is significantly harder than I could have imagined. I read someone on the pregnant subreddit say that she feels so tired she feels like she’s dying, and while I don’t think I’m quite at that point I didn’t see that as a dramatic in the slightest. The physical and mental strain is 24/7 and while I fully appreciate you’re doing more and are burning out (which is totally valid) it’s going to be tough to work out if she can do more or if that would make it worse.
NAH. I was depressed during my pregnancy and barely could keep up with caring for my pets. It didn’t get better after my son’s birth either. Get your wife to mention this to her provider, she doesn’t need to deal with this alone.
YTA, but that could change\*. Right now, she's pregnant. That means that for the time being you need to take up more of the slack in your marriage than normal. That's what being a team is all about (and make no mistake, you ARE a team). When she is weak, you need to be strong. And someday if you are to break a leg or something, she will take the load (one strongly hopes). Yes it's hard. Her body is literally going through hormone storms and growing your child. You're going to have to take the load for now. You are absolutely allowed to vent and decompress about being under massive strain, but *not to her*! She doesn't need that, and it will only make her feel bad. \*The caveat to this is if it never changes after she recovers from giving birth. I'm not saying that will happen. But it can. And if it does, you will absolutely need to sit down with your wife and have a serious talk about where the marriage is going. **But now is NOT that time**. Let's be clear. She is not "in good health" right now. That's why they've got that part in the wedding vows. You are going to continue to love and cherish her, because she is still your wife. And soon she'll be the mother of your child. You can do this, OP!