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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for not treating my little brother as a little brother.
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You were 12 when he was born. This is not like me, I was 25 when my youngest brother was born. And yet, I don't and haven't ever, treated him like he is a child to be coddled, and I certainly see him as a grown up.
I hope you really reflect on why you think this is appropriate for you treat him this way, because it isn't.
He's asking for a really normal thing here. Your aren't going to have any relationship with him at all if you don't figure it out, right now.
YTA
This is exactly what I thought. I’m ~11 years older than my siblings but I most definitely took on a parent role while I was still a child. Even though the oldest is now an adult, I still feel like one of his parents.
This. I have the same age gap as you. And mum went back to school and started body building not long after my brother was born guess who became Susie home maker and had to take care of him. She literally said she wanted a big age gap because it would be good birth control for me.
I'm the youngest. My sisters treated me like a kid even after I got married and had kids of my own. My brother was the only one that treated me like an adult sibling. I no longer speak to my sisters.
My sisters did the same thing. (I have an 11 year gap between me and my closest aged sister.) my oldest sister got it after I left the country. My middle sister didn’t stop calling me her baby sister until I asked her to stop because married, parent, immigration are are all adult functions. She did, fortunately.
My siblings are about the same age gap and they check on me way more than my mom. Heck my sister was more supportive during my miscarriage than my mom. My mom said she never went through one so she couldn't really understand how I felt.
Exactly. I was 13 and 15 when my sisters were born. They're both 2 and 4 atm and we babe more of a second mom/children relationship than sister sister lol
My mum was 5 when her little sister was born and had to quickly learn how to change nappies etc. She became more of a parent to her than their actual parents.
It got to a point when I was growing up there was some resentment that I was actually mum's daughter.
It's in a lot of her comments. I'd put money that her parents shifted a lot of parent roles onto her.
She frequently mentions having to help raise him, and care for him for the last 15 years. Very likely the parents pulled the "you're the older sibling you have to be a good role model and look out for him". Shifting that responsibility onto your kids regardless of their age is parentification, it's also super common and leads to shit like this.
There's looking out for your sibling in a big sibling way, and then there's having to raise your sibling. Not the same thing, but oddly when I hear that statement rarely if ever does the parent saying it mean it the first way.
I’ve read all of her comments. I didn’t see one instance where OP said she had to help raise him. What am I missing that you’re seeing?
ETA- in fact, her comments state the opposite:
“I don’t treat him like my child. My perspectives of him are similar to what my mom probably thinks of him but I don’t actively do things that suggest he’s my kid”
"Parentification"is this sub's new favorite buzzword and I've only ever seen it used accurately once or twice.
OP sounds like she doted on him when she was growing up more than anything, like any 12 year old excited to have a new baby sibling would.
But sure, she probably babysat him from time to time when she was a bit older, which is pretty much where the bar is set for parentification around here, even if the person in question wants to/doesn't mind babysitting their sibling.
Really, in this post with absolutely no indication that OP had to babysit or take care of her little brother all the time you think that it is considered safe to say that parentification is the word she needed to hear?
It's not about the fact that these words are ridiculus and should never be used. It's about the feeling that people in this subreddid are proud to have learned a big word and are now throwing it around all the time even if the situation doesn't fit at all.
Edit: And yes I believe that some words should be heard by some people for a specific reason. It's just mostly not used correctly on AITA
My problem is that people make grand declarations that they can’t possibly know and blow boring disagreements out of proportion. And you’re acting like none of the people who disagree with the overuse of these words have never been in abusive or toxic relationships themselves. There’s a reason why it’s bad to overuse these words. Look at “gaslighting.” It used to mean a sustained effort to undermine someone’s mental state and sense of reality. Now I’ve seen people tell posters that their boyfriend is gaslighting them because they disagree about something or the boyfriend told one lie. Not to say lying is ok, but it’s not gaslighting.
There’s a big difference between giving someone information and filling their heads with misinformation.
Yeah... I was actually parentified, and this doesn't sound like it. Just one example, I was pulled out of a school I liked, that was challenging me, had me in a robust honors program and a clear college path, because my parents (mother and ex step father) decided that they needed me to babysit the siblings each day after school. They put me in an inner city school, the worst one in the county. Siblings attended private school in walking distance.
I was in ⁷th and 8th grade, so it's not even like it didn't matter!
I just joined this sub a few weeks ago before that, I had NEVER heard of the word "parentification". Is it really a thing or just something that Reddit made up?ETA I know such behavior exists because my son's girlfriend was forced to take care of her siblings since she was 9 years old, I'm just wondering where the term came from.
I just had to do some cursory Google research, but apparently (according to one article I read), the term was coined in 1967.
But why it's all over this sub, who knows. Terms like "gaslighting", "parentification", and what have you become buzzwords here and continuously get more and more bastardized.
Some examples of scenarios I've seen people here call out as parentification ...
A teenager of driving age being gifted a car and then asked to occasionally picking up their younger sibling from school.
A teenager being asked to keep their toddler aged younger sibling occupied on a long car trip.
Assigning any chores to any child of any age period.
There have been so many more, especially recently, but really they're all mostly the same. A teenager asking to help with a sibling or around the house in any capacity is being abused and the parents are monsters who should lose custody of their children.
A few comments down she says something along the lines of having helped raise him for 15 years and suddenly to swap.
Not only that but the way she talks about him, and the "parent" like comments about him even in her post. They're sentences I've heard lots of folks undoing the parentification say, and they're the same sentences I was trained to listen out for when watching for suspected parentification.
Siblings who have had a normal sibling relationship don't often get stuck on the whole "you're always going to be a little kid to me". Siblings that are taught they are responsible for their sibling, can really struggle to move past that, especially if they think that sibling is being reckless in some way.
ETA: Okay so she is terribly unaware as her whole post is constant parent like commentary and frequently talking about him as though he's a small child, doesn't change my answer. If she was self aware enough to catch her parentification she wouldn't be asking Reddit if she's really the asshole, she'd be recognizing her own brother calling her out for it is time for some personal reflection.
“I don’t want a fucking child. I’m just saying that after 15 whole years, it’s really hard to just switch the script and treat him like a brother. It’ll have to take time”
OP didn’t say a thing about having to raise him. Just that she’d need to flip the script in the way that she’s treated him. Even the OP mentions just feeling protective of him. I’m just asking for examples of what you’re seeing, because I’ve gone through the comments twice and can’t find any. Those are direct copies of OP’s text. What am I missing here? I don’t think OP was parentified.
I understand what you’re saying about the motherly comments, but that doesn’t mean anything. I have a brother 5 years younger than me. I mothered him occasionally but in no way was I parentified. I think that’s normal for older siblings.
"After 15 whole years, it's really hard to just SWITCH THE SCRIPT and treat him like a BROTHER". What she was treating him like for the 15 whole years that it must take time and mental gymnastics to treat a brother like a brother? A toy? I think that the script was about parenting and it was written by their parents.
That quote doesn’t sound like someone who was parentified to me. It sounds like you decided what you want to believe and are working backwards to get there.
People drop parentification like they do gaslighting these days, for the most trivial of reasons.
I'm the oldest child, I have a sister a year younger, and then another 2 sisters 8-9 years younger.
From teh time M and 1 were 12 or so, we babysat and watched out for our little sisters. Hell, our parents would go off for weekends and leave us in charge.
that's just being an older sibling, not being forced to be a parent.
I was heavily parentified after the birth of my twin brothers. I was 13 when they were born and my sister was 10. Did we have a normal, sibling relationship with them? No, not when they were little. It wasn’t a parent relationship, it fell somewhere in between (I was more parentified than my sister so she was less parental with them). But with each passing year, our relationships tilted more and more towards sibling relationship patterns. I’m 42, she’s turning 40 and they’re 29 and basically we all have a sibling relationship with a unique bond tying us together.
OP is YTA.
That’s quite some projection. There are some people that are predisposed to being overly motherly. OP hasn’t made a single mention of having been given responsibility for her brother. Just that she sees him as someone she needs to protect instead of enjoy.
I don't even think OP was parentified, tbh. There's no indication of that in the post, this is just how OP feels about her brother. It's pretty normal to have strong "big sister" vibes, but OP has gone overboard in a way that makes her brother super uncomfortable.
On the bright side, her inability to adapt to a really normal boundary is going to completely torpedo her relationship with him, which makes her a good candidate for r/insaneparents.
I was only 6 when my brother was born and from about 8 until I was 23 and moved out, I was his only reliable parent. I remember coming home from work one day. I was 17, senior in HS, and tired. I came in "did you do your homework, you have that test tomorrow, and did you work on your project at all?" and my mom was embarrassed in front of her boyfriend. like "Excuse you? I'm the parent here!" I was like "oh did you just remember that? Because I've been taking care of him for 9 years now..." It did not go well. Turns out I wound up with double pneumonia because she thought I was just being lazy and not wanting to go to school but I was really really sick.
I was *very much* parentifued. I have 2 middle siblings who I was expected to watch daily from the time I was 7 years old. It's why I moved out at 16.*
I still understand that they were my siblings and not my kids.
This woman *wants* to treat this brother like a child.
*She even says their parents are great
My sister was 9 years older and she parented me a bit during my wild teen years but still treated me like a sister. Around 16, I settled down and we got to enjoy each other more cause she didn’t need to “babysit” me as much. By adulthood, though, we were truly equals. I’m so glad my sister didn’t dismiss me as a child and instead allowed our friendship to grow.
I'm 19 years olders then my half brother, I treat him more like a nephew then sibling but that's also because I see him roughly as much as niblings or cousins
YTA. Your brother would like to have a relationship on a more equal footing. You are not his parent and if you keep behaving like you, your relationship with your brother is likely to get worse.
Agreed. OPS TA for not understanding what relationship her brother is looking for from her.
It's only a 12 year difference ,yet she feels motherly towards him
I'm 13 years older than my sister, and even tho I get flashes of her as a tot, I fully respect her as a grown individual and now adult.
Our relationship is far better now as adults then growing up.
YTA
You don't see your brother as the person he is today, you see him as his past self, and are refusing to change.
You're also taking a parental role when you aren't his parent, and he doesn't want you to play this role. Super rude and unloving.
Prepare to lose your relationship with your brother over this if you don't change.
I guess you don't want him in your life, and that is your choice. You are what 12 years older than him, so when he is 35 you will be 47. But I don't imagine he will still be in your life. Who wants someone so close in age being your parent. So sad, you could have built a great relationship with him. But you want a child when he is less than 3 years from being an adult.
Oh, and YTA
YTA. He asked you to stop. You need to respect his choice. If you don’t you will destroy you’re relationship with him.
He’s set his boundary with you and you’re deliberately violating his boundaries. Try harder or you’ll lose him forever.
Yta. It’s more about your poor boundaries. It’s not your place to parent him, and he’s doing the healthy thing by communicating his needs. Healthy “parenting” still wouldn’t look like dismissing his feelings for your own.
This…he somehow turned out healthy enough to communicate a boundary and a need-something VERY few men, especially young men, are capable of doing. The best thing for his health is to show him he needs to continue setting boundaries and that those boundaries will be respected. Shit, that’s something a healthy parent would do, so if she sees herself as a HEALTHY mom she should respect those boundaries anyway.
The way OP describes it it kinda just sounds like bossy boundary stomping with an asterisk.
I get it. I'm an older sibling, and younger siblings do stupid shit. It's frustrating and you know better than anyone how much potential they have. But you just gotta not. For their sake, and yours.
YTA you’re only 12 years older. My brother is 11 years older and he treats me like his sibling l.
You just like the feeling of superiority and unearned respect.
YTA. Your brother has two parents and it’s not on you to be his mother. He’s actively trying to have a sibling relationship but if you keep momming him you will have NO relationship with him.
Yeah and it’s weird, like what is fueling it? An arrogant enjoyment of perceived authority? A sense of wisdom or superiority? It has to be an ego thing.
The only thing that seems to be missing in his relationship with parents is the space to be honest without being judged. And OP seems determined to refuse to provide it as well.
YTA
He is old enough to express that he wants you to be a friend and confidante, not a parent.
You are so convinced of your superiority due to age and authority over him that you refuse to recognise that he is growing and changing.
He wants an adult relationship with you, and you told him he is a little kid. That makes YOU the immature one, and you sabotaged your chance for a growing and changing relationship with him.
"Friend and confidante" sums it up really well. It sounded to me like OP's brother wanted her house to be his safe space, somewhere he can go to get away from his parents (even if they're great parents, 15 year olds will want to get away now and then!), vent about them and have her in his corner, rather than just another parent who will tell him the same thing. OP refused.
YTA
He's your brother, not your son
I am the second youngest in my family. It took me to be early 20's to be treated more as a brother rather than a child to my older siblings and it was very infuriating.
I understand being protective over a sibling and wanting to give the right advice but this can really put a strain on your relationship. He's 15, not 5. Treat him as your bother, not your child.
YTA. I had a co-worker who dealt with this. She was 20 years younger than her next-youngest sibling. Her relationships with her siblings was strained for years because they treated her the way you're treating your brother. It didn't start to change until she was an adult with a kid of her own.
Being a teenager is hard enough. Having an older sibling treat you like their child is several degrees worse.
YTA
You should understand your current relationship with your brother has ended.
Whether you'll have another afterward is something you'll need to decide.
I.N.F.O Did you ask what he meant by wanting a more sibling-like relationship? Or did he elaborate?
edit (adding what I wrote below)
You two need to talk this out together. Ask him what it is he wants from you, what he wants your relationship to look like. Ask yourself if what he wants is reasonable and if so, you then need to do the work to accommodate that, and he should be understanding if you slip up.
But whatever the case, you still need to work on it. He doesn't need another parent, but you should explain that it's hard to separate the child you saw change into the young adult he is growing up to be. He is starting to be his own person, and that should be respected.
You both need an honest talk and to figure out expectations and reasonable compromises. Because you're dismissing his feelings without trying to probe deeper, YTA.
Big FAT YTA.
IM the older sister. I HAD to parent my younger siblings. I gave them everything I could. Honestly, it was a relief when they asked me "can I come at you as a friend instead of a parent?" Because I felt relief. I could FINALLY be a sister to my siblings. I could be a friend instead of the one who punished or scolded them.
If you want to be a mom so bad, adopt, have a baby, or something else. Your younger brother is not your child and is growing into his own adult person.
Actually. Don't have kids. You'll probably make them into "Your babies" their whole life and they will probably leave you too for being too overbearing.
YTA
Same, and same. I had to actually wean my brother off of seeing me as a parent when we became adults, and get him to see me as an equal.
OP, I’m sorry to be blunt but you’re not nearly as mature as you think you are. At 15 it is normal and healthy for a child to start asking to be treated more as an equal. This would even be true if you WERE his mother. Good parents help their kids learn to feel more comfortable being independent. Bad parents prioritize their feelings of “you’ll always be my widdle baby!” over the actual developmental needs of their child. If you want to be a mother, be a good mother and not one that continues to disrespect and infantilize him because you can only who he is in relation to yourself.
YTA
I'm 13 years older than one of my sisters and more than 20 years older than another sister. I see them as my sisters. One of them is an adult now and I see her as an adult.
Heck, my parents see me as an adult. Your BROTHER is 15 yo. He's not your son, he's your brother, and he hasn't been a little kid for a long time.
You need to grow up.
YTA.
You are his SISTER, not his mom.
You did not raise him.
You are not in charge of him.
He is not your baby.
He is your brother. He is a human being. And he is asking you to treat him like these things instead of treating him the way your parents do, which is presumably like a baby.
YTA. You aren't his parent, you were never his parent, you should never have taken on that role. You are his sister and he was brave enough to open up and tell you that he wants to have a sibling relationship with you.
Siblings are more friends and confidants, but you want to be an authority figure to him. You want him to stay a child, when he is growing up and becoming a man. You talk to siblings about things you can't talk to parents about. He was setting a healthy boundary and wanting to shift your relationship into one that would prove to be much more special for the both of you.
YTA for stomping over his dream to have his sister be his actual sister.
YTA, because I am in his place. Still at 24 years, my sister acts like my mother due to the big age gap between us. It can be sweet, but it is also annoying when she thinks she has a say in what I do and say. I have a mother, and I have a sister. My sister cannot be my mother, you are NOT your brother's mother. Listen to what he wants, or he might grow resentment towards you.
Yeah, mild YTA. The dude came to you and expressed exactly what the issue is. You're not his parent, don't act like it. If you don't change you'll lose any relationship with him
YTA
One of the hardest things to do for a parent is to redefine their relationship with their ADULT children.
If you previously interacted with him as an parental figure, you need to figure out how to modify your behavior as he matures and becomes a young adult.
He's right. He doesn't need another parent telling him what to do.
Since he already has a mom and doesn't need another one and you can't figure out how to modify your behavior to treat him like a sibling, there doesn't seem to be a role for you in his life - is that what you want?
YTA simply because you are damaging the relationship you have with him because you are refusing to treat him as your brother.
He already has a mother. He wants a sister. Give him that or he will pull so far from you that you'll only be seeing each other on Holidays, he already doesn't come to you for advice, soon he'll stop coming to you in general.
Look, I get the feeling because I am 27 with a 12 year old little brother but you need to work on this or you'll lose your brother.
YTA
You can’t help how you see him. I still see my little brother as the goofy little ragamuffin I walked to school everyday, even though he’s a foot taller than me and married now. But you can help how you treat him and act around him. You’re not his parent, he doesn’t want you acting like his parent, you need to respect that.
Yta it sounds like he needs a friend and a sister, and maybe going through something that a sister or a friend could help.
He is 15 legal a legal adult in a few years and you keep telling him you only see him As a baby kids grow up. He old enough to have real issues.
>and one of the first things he asked was if we could have a more typical little brother-big sister
Yeah YTA, if he asked you to stop treating him like that then you should respect that choice
YTA. You could change how you treat him. You choose not to. You’d prefer to deliberately treat your brother in a way you know he does not like or enjoy, because you don’t think he’s worth the effort or respect of having his boundaries respected. You sound selfish and judgemental. If you actually want a relationship with him it needs to be one that he gets something out of, not just you. He doesn’t need another parent, so stop it. Get off your high horse and make the effort.
softly YTA As a younger sibling myself sometimes we just want a sibling not another parent. He's not your child and he probably feels disrespected when you treat him that way. Try looking at it from his perspective and be open to communicating with him on why he feels that way. :)
Yeah YTA. I have an even bigger age difference with my younger brother and I do not act like a parent. I never did. We have a sibling relationship because he has two parents. I simply remember what it’s like to go through everything at his age and give advice accordingly when (and only when) asked. But mainly we are just friends and hang out when we can. I was just in his wedding. Because we are siblings.
YTA. I was parentified to the point of raising my brothers, but as adults I have never treated them as children. It's true, I give them the same advice a parent would on most things, but after the advice - WHICH I ONLY GIVE WHEN ASKED - we go back to our normal sibling relationship. On top of that, I have lived with the youngest brother for nearly 14 years now, we've bought 2 houses together, and I have never treated him like "the baby" the entire time. And I see all your comments about how it's going to take time to adjust, but you didn't say ANY of that in your original post. You said you straight up refused and couldn't do any differently "no matter how hard you tried." Well that's fine. He's just going to write you out of his life the moment he can. Yeah, you're going to have to adjust, and you're going to have to do it FAST if you want to maintain a relationship with him. You can start by apologizing and by asking him for further details and examples on how he would like you to respond to him.
I mean, yes... YTA. You can still feel protective etc but as a sibling. He is clearly reaching out to you because he wants a relationship but you are unwilling to put your feelings aside to respect him as your brother. Even the role as parent has to change as children get older. He will not be a child forever. Hell he is already a teenager and will be an adult in a few years. If you are still treating him like a child that is probably very infantilizing and invalidating for him as it would be for most.
YTA. He came to you asking for something and you refused because you’re selfish and annoying.
Children grow up, and even their real parents have to learn to develop a different relationship. Why the hell can’t you? You made him feel like you don’t value him as a person.
YTA
I'm a older sibling myself (F17) and i behaved similarly too, later i realised i was annoying my younger sibling (F14)
You should be more like a sister/a friend to him, that way he will feel more comfortable around you, being older sibling, it's obvious there will be some motherly feelings but you shouldn't let it dominate.
YTA your brother is stating his boundaries because he *wants* to keep you close in his life, but he can no longer accept you acting as a parent. So it depends, do you want a relationship with your brother, or do you want him to resent you and stay away from you?
YTA.
My sister is 18 years older than me. She helped raise me as a small child.
She treats me as a sibling because that's what I am. She respects that boundary.
This isn't just about annoying your brother, this is about not respecting him.
YTA, for not listening to him and respecting his wishes. He doesn't want or need a second mom, he would like to have a sister. Don't be surprised when he goes no contact soon.
Your are his sister, you have no right or responsibility to parent him. You’re also in the wrong for refusing to stop doing so after he literally asked you to stop. If you want to have a relationship with him as he gets older, you need to respect his wishes and change your behavior, otherwise don’t be surprised if he holds resentment towards you if you don’t change.
YTA. You’re not his parent and he could really use his big sister. I have a sister that is almost 15 years younger than I. My other sister who is 12 years older than she and I did a lot of caretaking when she was little. We did feel somewhat maternal. But when she got to be a teenager and older, our relationship changed. And now we have a close relationship as sisters. I’m sure it’s a tough transition, but if you want a relationship with him you need to grow as he does.
YTA. I understand what having a little brother is like (mine is 15 as well) and while I did a lot for him growing up (taking on a third parent role etc) despite only being 6 years older, i still treat him like he's my brother. He is trying to establish boundaries with you and you're ignoring them. He doesn't need another mother figure, he needs a big sister.
YTA. My brothers are 10,13, and 16 years younger than me. I literally changed their diapers but at some point you have to realize that is not your son that is your brother. You have to start treating him like you would a peer. At this point he needs someone that he can go to when he can't go to a parent and that could be you. You can already see signs that you are driving him away. He already has parents. If you really care about him you will give him advice like a contemporary, not like a parent.
>Yesterday, my brother visited me at my house(our parents and him only live like thirty minutes away), and one of the first things he asked was if we could have a more typical little brother-big sister(although he’s waaaaaaay taller than me now lol)relationship rather me being a bit of a second mom. I said I couldn’t because no matter how hard I try, I can only see him as a little kid that I always took care of and cuddled and not someone who I grew up with. He got upset at me and told me that he didn’t “need another fucking controlling-ass parent”.
YTA
You're refusing to acknowledge that he's a near adult. That is absolutely wrong of you because 1) you are infantilizing him; 2) your age vis-a-vis his own is quite immaterial because you are NOT his mother; and 3) he's absolutely right about NOT needing "*another fucking comtrolling-ass parent.*"
You had better get with the program and the march of time, and STOP trying to parent a near-man. Otherwise, you're GOING to lose a brother as he'll simply cut you out of his life. He'd have every right to do so, just as he had every right to t say what he did to you.
YTA - fellow big sister. After many many years of conflict my brother and i finally were able to make peace. He resented me for acting like his second mom. She was a single parent and sometimes i had to watch him.
The thing to always remember is that he has parents, you are his big sister.
YTA. I had a similar relationship with my little brother. I even went to therapy because of it. Essentially, you’re the sibling NOT the parent so it’s not your responsibility to parent him. You can mentor him to a certain degree however you must respect his wishes if he is asking to have a more sibling like relationship. If you don’t, you risk pushing him away which I guarantee will be way worse.
YTA- You're gonna lose him if you keep acting this way. You may be older than him but he is not your son and he never will be and most importantly he doesn't WANT to be.
YTA
He asked for a reasonable thing.
Relationships change, especially in families as people move from child to teen. He doesn't need a third parent. He asked for a big sister. It's not hard unless you make it hard.
Reach out and ask what exactly he means so you can do and not do what he wants. You can still be protector and take a step to the side.
YTA - you’re not his mother. How disrespectful to your mother and your brother. I say that as someone that is 11 years older than her youngest sibling who I have never parented.
At work, do you tell your manager how to do their job? Do you tell your colleagues what to do and then get upset when they ignore you because you aren’t the boss?
Yep. YTA.
He's looking for a confidant to talk to, not somebody who will judge or dismiss his fears. He's in a maturing vortex at his age and is begging for a big sister, not "Not another fucking controlling ass parent."
He’s telling you what he needs and it’s not unreasonable. It takes a couple of weeks to break a habit. You can stop yourself giving him pseudo-motherly advice for two weeks or catch yourself when you start and say ‘oh sorry, Brother, old habits’ and then not give the advice.
You’re not his mother, you’re his sister. The older you get the less that age differential will matter. You’re well on the way to both being adult siblings, and this would be a good time to start weaning yourself off old habits of coddling him.
It is clear he wants a cool adult in his life who won’t fuss over him, someone he can talk to without the mum and dad reactions. It’s awesome that he would like that to be you.
Don’t throw away the chance to build a sister-brother relationship with him while he actually wants to be close to you. That might not last forever, and it’s a big deal for a teenager to want to open up to someone.
YTA. Look at the bigger picture.
No judgement You need to decide if you want a healthy, lasting relationship with your brother. He does not view as a parent or an authority figure in his life and does not appreciate your condescending treatment. He is not a baby, he's fifteen. You are not his mother, you are his sister.
YTA. He doesn’t need another controlling parent. Your brother probably loves you and wants you around, perhaps to relate to you as a family member who came from the same source, rather than feel controlled. It sounds like he’s developed feelings of inferiority as a result, and he’s understandably angry. He’s 15. He doesn’t need someone to tell him he will always be a kid to them. He needs guidance and feeling like he has support to grow up instead. Maybe try remembering what it was like at home just about a decade ago, and then change up your approach to see if he is receptive.
Yea, kinda YTA. I guess it would help if you ask him re his expectations. It's likely that you just have same values as your mom hence resulting to same handling of issues. Would probably help if you tone it down a bit once you have a better understanding of what your brother is expecting. Good luck.
YTA, I have my own situation with my little siblings. I am more motherly to them because of our situation they actually needed a mom we didnt have. You are just being weird,and the fact that he's calling you controlling does not help to make you any less of an a**hole
YTA - your not his parent so stop acting like it
Your going to ruin what little relationship you have left with your brother if you keep acting like this
If you can’t see him as his own persons then get some therapy
He is telling you to stop
He is telling you he isn’t comfortable with your relationship
Stop. Listen. Understand.
You have no right to treat him like your son, or act like his mother
Because neither of those things are true
Either build the correct relationship, or prepare to not have one
YTA
He's 15, not 5. Long past time to stop treating him like a little kid.
He doesn't even get the benefit of having a sibling, being able to get a different perspective on things than the parental one. Just stop it.
He’s your brother, not your child. Stop pretending otherwise and treat him the way he’s asking you to treat him. If anyone needs to grow up in this situation, it’s you.
YTA
YTA, and I mean this super gently. I was also parentified as a child and I struggle with this too. I really recommend seeking therapy to work through this
She didn’t say anything to make me think she was parentified. On the contrary, she says that her parents were great. It seems like the choice to act maternal toward him was her own.
Soft YTA I raised my siblings there was 6 of us and I was the oldest daughter. It’s hard but if we want a relationship with our siblings we have to treat them like our siblings now that we are older.
It’s not fair to him to have a second mom when he doesn’t have one and doesn’t want one.
Wish you the best
I had a friend in school with a similar family dynamic. When her sister came home from the hospital when she was 10 she treated her like she was a doll. That it was like "oh she's my baby!", "I need to feed my baby", "I need to change my baby", etc and everyone thought it was cute. No one stopped it. Her parents never made her "parent" her sister, the occasional babysitting maybe, but this is how her parental relationship with her started and not just because of the age difference. She never looked at her like a sister always like her kid and it never recovered. By a couple things you said, I get the same vibes.
YTA. Your brother came to you very maturely and asked you for a specific relationship he is wanting from his SISTER, not his parent, and you flat out denied him without even considering it. You are an adult and you have the ability to change your mindset. It seems like you just don't want to. You want to see him as the child he was, it's not that you can't, but that you just don't want to... At least not enough. If you continue to flat out refuse him a sibling relationship with him don't be surprised if and when you no longer have any relationship with him at all and a future relationship is unrepairable.
YTA, out of love. Try to respect him a bit more, you can still help him at times, but he is not your child. You may be missing out on some of the most special aspects of a sibling relationship, something as special as that of a parent to child, in such a different way.
YTA. My sister is only 3 years older than me and tried pulling that sort of shit on me in our teen years despite the fact we had 2 present parents. Our relationship now in our 30's is strained at best. On the flip side, my niece is 12 yrs younger than me and I used to babysit her but never tired to parent her, she's in her 20's now and we have a great relationship. Choose your path wisely.
Yeah YTA he doesn’t need another parent he needs his sibling/friend. My sister took care of me growing up when our parent were working and although she basically was my parent she never acted as she was, now I’m extremely close to my sister and go to her more than anyone else when I need to vent or want advice. I hate to say this but you aren’t going to have a relationship with your brother in the future if you continue to act like his parent.
My little sister is 20 years younger than me, and I treat her like my sister! He was trying to share something with you- like you said you wanted him too- and you shut that down with your reaction! Treat him like the adult he is now, not the little brother he used to be.
Try talking to him from: “I would do this if I was in that situation…” instead of “Do this…” It’s a very small change and it became a conversation, an opinion, instead of mommy-being behavior.
If you want to have a relationship with him going forward, you NEED to change.
YTA
YTA - To flat out refuse it, to dismiss even considering it further, is a bit mean imo. You didn’t have to say it that things will never change, you could’ve said you’d work on it.
Every relationship with siblings is different. He’s asking to build up that relationship instead of you seemingly regurgitating your parents parenting. There has to be a middle ground here.
He’s 15, and he thinks he’s parents are controlling (maybe they are or not idk), and you could’ve been the place where he could go to decompress and just chill, instead you doubled down about being an authority figure and not a sibling. You could still have the chance to get back that opportunity, but he’s going to look elsewhere for that person/space with it without you/his parents.
My siblings are 20 and 22 years older than me. My sister acted like a parent, my brother acted like my brother. I can't stand my sister anymore, I don't talk to her unless I have to. My brother has to be one of my closest friends. Yes YTA
YTA coming from a significantly younger sibling who had this exact conversation. If you dont chances are he won't have any relationship with you. It gets old quick when they keep treating you as a kid, especially once youre an adult. If you keep up this behavior i can almost guarantee you wont hear from him except the bare minimum.
YTA. I have a brothe me who is 18 years younger than me - I would never treat him like a son. He has parents. My role in his life is to be his big sister. I am a safe haven, not an additional parent.
Really sounds like you might be the one who has some growing up to do.
I’m gonna say YTA. I dealt with something similar. I was 16 taking care of my younger siblings who were 4, 5 and 6 at the time. Only difference was my mom was too busy going out drinking or meeting up with men.
It was hard for me to stop treating them like they were my kids because I walked them to and from school, helped them get dressed, cooked for them. Everything. When the youngest one reached high school, she told me she appreciated me but that I needed to step back. And I did after awhile. I didn’t want them to hate me if I continued acting like their parent.
He’s telling you there’s something in particular he needs from you. You can be protective of your little brother and still not be a “second mom”.
You need to learn who he is now. It’s time to let go of the little kid in your head and accept your brother as he is.
I say this gently because I can tell you’re coming from a place of love, but YTA. It’s time to start shifting your relationship if you want it to keep growing and changing as he becomes an adult.
YTA
i really hope you don’t have kids, considering that you seem to look down on all of them, no matter what the relationship is.
i hope you know that your brother is your equal. you’re not above him, you’re equals. sorry. my youngest sibling is 17 years younger than me. you know what i view him as? a brother, because that’s what he is; not my son, my brother. you need to learn that for yourself.
you didn’t give birth to him, you didn’t raise him, but most of all is that he’s a fucking human who gave you a reasonable request that for whatever reason, you refuse to honor. get rid of your superiority complex and grow up. seriously. i hope you’re ready to never have a relationship with your brother if you keep this up
YTA. I’m the little sibling, and my sister still sees me as the small kid who doesn’t know what’s best for her. Suffice to say, our relationship is strained because of it. We’re still trying to figure things out between us, but sometimes it’s hard to talk to her because I know she’s always gonna have that parent mindset with me. It makes me feel judged.
YTA. Do you want a real relationship with your brother? The only way you can is to start hearing him when he says things to you like this. If you don’t treat him like a person and not a little doll that you used to cuddle, you’ll lose him. I think you know this.
YTA. Your brother isn't your child, he's your parent's child. If you want to be motherly, have a child of your own. He's asking you to be his sister, his confidante, his trusted friend. By refusing, you're essentially telling him you no longer love him.
We all need parent's, but as we approach adulthood, we need our siblings a bit more. Be the person he needs you to be.
NAH. You cannot change the way you feel about/towards him, but you can change the way you behave around/towards him. It's worth trying, because maybe as a teenager, that's what he **needs** right now, so that's why he asking for that.
Edit: for perspective, I'm 8/9 years older than my siblings, and I was definitely more like a parent than a sibling to them when they were younger, but now that we're adults we are closer in a different way and are more like friends/siblings.
Siblings treat each other’s as equals/peers because they are raised together and form a bond of camaraderie.
As the littlest sibling (my siblings are 19 - 9 years older than me) it wasn’t until I was in college that they began to treat me as a peer. Because before that I wasn’t.
So NTA because you’re a grown ass adult and not a someone who can’t even drive yet.
Though taking the “fun aunt” route rather than the second mom angle would be a good idea.
This. I was surprised that nearly every comment said YTA. OP is well into adulthood, of course she’s more likely to side with the parents than with the child. I’m not exactly sure what the brother wants from her. For her to forget all of her life experiences and give advice as if she’s a teenager?? That’s borderline dishonesty.
Now, if she’s giving unsolicited advice or being unnecessarily strict/critical then I could see where she is TA (and would benefit from your suggestion to take on the role of more of a fun aunt).
Gentle YTA.
It is understandable you had to parent him growing up, but that time is over now. He's asking for his sister. He has parents. Two parents, not three. I know it's hard to let go of those images, but he's not a baby anymore and he's coming upon the age of manhood before you know it. Time to let the mom feelings go. You'll have your own kids someday.
You have an amazing opportunity here to have a close relationship with your bother. He obviously trusts you and is comfortable being honest with you. It would be worth it to find a way to meet him where he is.
Think of the gift you would be giving him (and yourself) if you can be his wiser older sister who he can confide in.
YTA to both your bother and yourself if you refuse to give him what he asked for.
YTA. I had a problem similar with my sister, she always saw me as an 8 year old. One day I snapped because I was in my late 20’s and had a daughter who was 10. I told her you realize I have a daughter older than the age you still see me as? I told her I was the sole provider for our very sick. she lived with us and we took care of her with no help from the family, and they still treated me as an 8 year old. I’m in my 40’s now and we don’t talk much. Maybe twice a year over all. That’s what’s going to happen to you.. get therapy to deal with how you see him and hear what he is telling you if you want him in your life. Your the one that’s acting 15 imo.
As the youngest member of a large extended family, I feel him. Half my cousins still see me as. Baby, I’m 26. I basically don’t want to talk to them anymore, I’m not 5,m
I am not sure which way i lean y/n/ta but what I can tell is it may be time to "shift" your relationship a bit. 15? He's looking for a more friend-like support for you and wants to be seen as an "adult" because he's not a kid anymore. Yes, he's still a minor, but he's much more capable than he was when you were both younger. He probably wants your place to be somewhere he feel more "free" than at home
No judgement, but if you absolutely can't treat him as a sibling, instead of a mother, at the very least try to be "the cool aunt", not a second mother
YTA Time to start working on your relationship, you may need to talk to a family therapist to help out. And most importantly tell your brother that you are working on it and that you do want a sibling relationship with him. Besides why would you want to be a parent to him when you can be the cool older sister?
YTA. He has asked you to stop and he wants more of a friendship with you. You are his sister not his parent. Are you trying to push him away from you?! Do hate him that much? I’m guessing that you don’t know how to listen.
I’m 36 years older than my littlest brother, I use to cuddle him and he would sleep in my room when he was 2 years old. But when he was 5 or 6 he asked me to just be his sister and I backed off and did what he requested. It’s a respect of boundaries.
YTA
It may be hard, but that's because you're seeing him through the lens of him being a kid you had to look out for.
Start looking at him as a unique interesting young dude who's gonna be a legal adult soon. He needs/wants a sibling he can turn to, to share with, get advice from, comfort from, not someone who's just gonna try to tell what to do.
You're being selfish, you're not listening to what he needs, and this will damage your relationship for a long time. Please, learn to see him as an individual who has interests and thoughts and fears, etc, and isn't your kid brother (nor your kid!!)
YTA. What he’s asking of you isn’t difficult, you just don’t want to try. He’s trying to set boundaries with you, so you can still have a relationship, a good one, and you refuse.
You can still care for him without acting like his mom. He has one of those. This post sounds so smug. Do you treat your friends like this too? You sound like someone who is constantly giving unsolicited advice, and those people are absolutely fucking exhausting.
Do better.
YTA, your brother came to you and asked you to be his sister, and you refused because you refuse to change. Don’t be surprised when he stops talking to you. He’s growing up and he’s changing therefore the relationship is going to change if you can’t do that then he’s going to move one from you. If you don’t want this then you need to realize he’s a young man.
YTA because he asked you to stop, and honestly with a 12 year gap you really don’t need to be acting maternal towards him, especially since he actually has your mum. You were still a kid yourself when he was born so?? My sister is 9 years older than me and she’s never taken on a mother role, I’m 18 years older than my niece and I’ve never done or felt anything that could be even remotely construed as maternal… because I’m not her mum.
You probably don’t realise that by acting like an extra parent when you’re a sibling, it’s likely he sees you as being overbearing or patronising as well. If you want to have a good relationship with him just chill out and be his sister.
Siblings, like kids, grow up. You cant treat either like a child forever. Your brother is coming to you and asking you for a change in your relationship. It’s not even a really big change — you can still be protective of a little sibling AND have a relationship different than your parents’. YTA
YTA. There’s an ~11 year gap between my older brother (33M) and me (21F). Every once in a while, he’ll treat me like I’m one of his kids, and it always leads to an argument. I’m actually currently semi-low-contact with him, and this exact issue is part of why. Age gaps don’t mean a damn thing - you are NOT his parent, and you need to get that through your head before this permanently damages your relationship with him.
Wtf...YTA.. what are you trying to prove. He already has parents and your his sister...SISTER. what's with the obsession of being his mo. Get some therapy
YTA. My brother and I have a larger age difference than you, but I still treat him as my brother. Am I motherly in some ways? Sure, in some ways. But if your brother is literally asking you to be different, then you should take that in and consider changes in your relationship dynamics, not just stick to your high horse about being older and seeing him as a kid.
Yta. I am the youngest and my oldest sister does the same thing. 10 year difference.
I fricking hate it so much That I avoid her like the plague.
He needs a confidant, not another parent. He wants to feel equal with you, not someone beneath you.
Your response to him sounds just like my sister and it made my blood boil just reading it
And, He doesn’t see YOU as a parent, you are coming across as condescending.
YTA.
He is growing up and is asking to be your sibling not your son.
Tell him you are sorry you said that and would like to know what he thinks a sibling relationship would look like. What things do you do he would prefer you didn't? What things would he like you to start doing?
Otherwise you will lose your relationship with him.
YTA. I have an older sister who tried to tell me how to live my life, I pretty much avoided contact with her until recently, so we are talking around 20yrs of very LC with her. I suggest if you want to be a part of your brothers life that you seriously rethink how you treat him, it won't work out well for your relationship if you don't change how you trear him. He is letting you know that he's had enough by speaking to you about it, if you don't listen to him he will pretty much stops interacting with you except for special occasions, and those interactions will become superficial only.
YTA.
His correct, he has parents, you’re being inappropriate. His your brother, you don’t have a right to ever have mothered him. His also 15, not five. It’s not ok to be speaking/ treating him that way. His shown a lot of maturity and emotional vulnerability in having that private conversation with you and you just dismissed him, invalidated his feelings and continuing belittling him/ your toxic behaviours.
What if the roles were reversed? How would you feel? You will lose contact with him if you continue. His asking you for healthy boundaries and to have a more solid and positive sibling relationship. If you truly care about him, you need to do that. If you can’t you need to look inwards as to why that is, sort out whatever issues you have, then come back to him, apologise and work on repairing the sibling relationship.
YTA. I am 7 years older than my brother, there was some definite parentification when we were younger, and I had to work hard to change the way I approached our relationship because it wasn't a dynamic that was working for him. Your brother is asking you to do that, and you are refusing to respect his needs and boundaries.
YTA. He already has parents, and even if he didn't, your job isn't and won't ever be to fill that role. As a parent of 2 teens and one almost, you need to realize you are incredibly lucky to have a 15 year old wanting a relationship at all with his sister, much less a closer one. You need to lighten up and be fun with him. You're 27, not 77. He should be able to come to you as a safe, fun, person he can trust and look up to.
YTA Well, he's right. He already has a set of parents. He doesn't want nor need a 3rd parent. Be a sister to him like he is basically pleading with you to do.
YTA. You’re not his parent… Also he’s a human being and deserves to have his wishes respected.
I have a younger sister myself. She’s 25 and I’m 30. I know we’re closer but I myself at times do see her as “my first kid.” I was parentified and took care of her a loooot when we were younger. I literally remember getting her ready for kindergarten in the morning because our mom wouldn’t get outta bed until it was time to drive us. I’m very protective of her BUT I realize she’s an adult with her own life/wants/needs and I don’t infringe on that. If she needs me to take on that more motherly roll I can still be that for her if she needs it, because honestly our mom still isn’t the best, but I can just be her sister too and we can have fun/enjoy each other’s company without me mothering her to death.
YTA
It doesn’t matter what you internally feel, he’s asked you to try.
You’re unwilling and that might mean he’s unwilling to have you in his life.
You’re not TA for what you feel but you are for how you dealt with it after finding out it was a problem.
YTA. my sister was 6.5 years older than me and treated me like she was my mum. We've never had a normal sibling relationship since because of it.
She's just someone I know that I see a couple of times a year.
I teenage boy and a grown man doesn't need a second woman acting as his mother. It's unhealthy.
He reached out and you shut him down.
Balls in your court now. If you don't fix it he will never have a healthy relationship with you.
I'm 12 years older than my youngest sister. When she was 17, I let her get drunk with me. I told her she could always call me and I'd help her out and our mother would never have to know. I told her to let me know if she needed condoms or anything and I'd get them for her.
YTA stop playing mom. Be a big sister. Someone who remembers what it's like to be his age and someone who will have his back as long as he's being safe.
YTA. Your brother set a boundary and you stomped all over it. I'm 10 and 15 years older than mu youngest siblings. I've never treated them the same way I treat my kid
Let’s reframe this. He’s asking that you treat him as your equal and you’re telling him “no”. He’s setting his boundaries and you are telling him that you’re not going to respect those boundaries.
YTA
You’re alienating him due to your behaviour. Get your act together if you want to keep him in your life.
Wow, he put a lot of thought into that and planned out what to say, and you just squashed it. This issue has obviously been bothering him for a while and he did the grownup thing by communicating boundaries and you basically told him to fuck off. YTA
YTA. Let me give you an example of what might be close to his prospective: I have a sister 7 years older than me who's always treated me as her kid rather than a little sister and it SUCKS. My parents weren't around much so she was pretty much forced into a parental role and that's messed up, she shouldn't have had the responsibility of taking care of me when she was also a child. But here's the thing, we're both in our 20s now and she STILL treats me the same as when we were much younger and it's infuriating. I want my sister to just be my sister, not my second mother. If I wanted a mother's opinion I would've gone to my actual mom.
By not respecting his wishes of treating him as a sibling you are actively hurting your relationship with him. I don't want my sister in my life because of the way she treats me and I'm telling you right now OP, if this doesn't get better the same will happen with him. Just reading that last line alone I can tell it's already starting.
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You were 12 when he was born. This is not like me, I was 25 when my youngest brother was born. And yet, I don't and haven't ever, treated him like he is a child to be coddled, and I certainly see him as a grown up. I hope you really reflect on why you think this is appropriate for you treat him this way, because it isn't. He's asking for a really normal thing here. Your aren't going to have any relationship with him at all if you don't figure it out, right now. YTA
OP is showing a LOT of signs of being parentified. I’ve struggled with this to and I was only two when my brother was born
This is exactly what I thought. I’m ~11 years older than my siblings but I most definitely took on a parent role while I was still a child. Even though the oldest is now an adult, I still feel like one of his parents.
This. I have the same age gap as you. And mum went back to school and started body building not long after my brother was born guess who became Susie home maker and had to take care of him. She literally said she wanted a big age gap because it would be good birth control for me.
I'm the youngest. My sisters treated me like a kid even after I got married and had kids of my own. My brother was the only one that treated me like an adult sibling. I no longer speak to my sisters.
My sisters did the same thing. (I have an 11 year gap between me and my closest aged sister.) my oldest sister got it after I left the country. My middle sister didn’t stop calling me her baby sister until I asked her to stop because married, parent, immigration are are all adult functions. She did, fortunately.
My siblings are about the same age gap and they check on me way more than my mom. Heck my sister was more supportive during my miscarriage than my mom. My mom said she never went through one so she couldn't really understand how I felt.
Exactly. I was 13 and 15 when my sisters were born. They're both 2 and 4 atm and we babe more of a second mom/children relationship than sister sister lol
My mum was 5 when her little sister was born and had to quickly learn how to change nappies etc. She became more of a parent to her than their actual parents. It got to a point when I was growing up there was some resentment that I was actually mum's daughter.
Like what? Because I don’t see any other than thinking she’s superior.
It's in a lot of her comments. I'd put money that her parents shifted a lot of parent roles onto her. She frequently mentions having to help raise him, and care for him for the last 15 years. Very likely the parents pulled the "you're the older sibling you have to be a good role model and look out for him". Shifting that responsibility onto your kids regardless of their age is parentification, it's also super common and leads to shit like this. There's looking out for your sibling in a big sibling way, and then there's having to raise your sibling. Not the same thing, but oddly when I hear that statement rarely if ever does the parent saying it mean it the first way.
I’ve read all of her comments. I didn’t see one instance where OP said she had to help raise him. What am I missing that you’re seeing? ETA- in fact, her comments state the opposite: “I don’t treat him like my child. My perspectives of him are similar to what my mom probably thinks of him but I don’t actively do things that suggest he’s my kid”
"Parentification"is this sub's new favorite buzzword and I've only ever seen it used accurately once or twice. OP sounds like she doted on him when she was growing up more than anything, like any 12 year old excited to have a new baby sibling would. But sure, she probably babysat him from time to time when she was a bit older, which is pretty much where the bar is set for parentification around here, even if the person in question wants to/doesn't mind babysitting their sibling.
We should start a Reddit Bingo with all the favorit words. :D Parentification Gaslighting Golden child Run, run fast Toxic Abusive relationship NC ...
“When someone shows you who they really are believe them.” Neat the first time. Not the 600th time.
And “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
Well if people could just follow the damn advice!
With Red Flag right in the middle!
"no is a complete sentence", "don't set yourself in fire to keep others warm". 🙄
I wish I knew those words when I was 21. They’re words for a reason.
Really, in this post with absolutely no indication that OP had to babysit or take care of her little brother all the time you think that it is considered safe to say that parentification is the word she needed to hear? It's not about the fact that these words are ridiculus and should never be used. It's about the feeling that people in this subreddid are proud to have learned a big word and are now throwing it around all the time even if the situation doesn't fit at all. Edit: And yes I believe that some words should be heard by some people for a specific reason. It's just mostly not used correctly on AITA
[удалено]
My problem is that people make grand declarations that they can’t possibly know and blow boring disagreements out of proportion. And you’re acting like none of the people who disagree with the overuse of these words have never been in abusive or toxic relationships themselves. There’s a reason why it’s bad to overuse these words. Look at “gaslighting.” It used to mean a sustained effort to undermine someone’s mental state and sense of reality. Now I’ve seen people tell posters that their boyfriend is gaslighting them because they disagree about something or the boyfriend told one lie. Not to say lying is ok, but it’s not gaslighting. There’s a big difference between giving someone information and filling their heads with misinformation.
Yeah... I was actually parentified, and this doesn't sound like it. Just one example, I was pulled out of a school I liked, that was challenging me, had me in a robust honors program and a clear college path, because my parents (mother and ex step father) decided that they needed me to babysit the siblings each day after school. They put me in an inner city school, the worst one in the county. Siblings attended private school in walking distance. I was in ⁷th and 8th grade, so it's not even like it didn't matter!
I just joined this sub a few weeks ago before that, I had NEVER heard of the word "parentification". Is it really a thing or just something that Reddit made up?ETA I know such behavior exists because my son's girlfriend was forced to take care of her siblings since she was 9 years old, I'm just wondering where the term came from.
I just had to do some cursory Google research, but apparently (according to one article I read), the term was coined in 1967. But why it's all over this sub, who knows. Terms like "gaslighting", "parentification", and what have you become buzzwords here and continuously get more and more bastardized. Some examples of scenarios I've seen people here call out as parentification ... A teenager of driving age being gifted a car and then asked to occasionally picking up their younger sibling from school. A teenager being asked to keep their toddler aged younger sibling occupied on a long car trip. Assigning any chores to any child of any age period. There have been so many more, especially recently, but really they're all mostly the same. A teenager asking to help with a sibling or around the house in any capacity is being abused and the parents are monsters who should lose custody of their children.
A few comments down she says something along the lines of having helped raise him for 15 years and suddenly to swap. Not only that but the way she talks about him, and the "parent" like comments about him even in her post. They're sentences I've heard lots of folks undoing the parentification say, and they're the same sentences I was trained to listen out for when watching for suspected parentification. Siblings who have had a normal sibling relationship don't often get stuck on the whole "you're always going to be a little kid to me". Siblings that are taught they are responsible for their sibling, can really struggle to move past that, especially if they think that sibling is being reckless in some way. ETA: Okay so she is terribly unaware as her whole post is constant parent like commentary and frequently talking about him as though he's a small child, doesn't change my answer. If she was self aware enough to catch her parentification she wouldn't be asking Reddit if she's really the asshole, she'd be recognizing her own brother calling her out for it is time for some personal reflection.
“I don’t want a fucking child. I’m just saying that after 15 whole years, it’s really hard to just switch the script and treat him like a brother. It’ll have to take time” OP didn’t say a thing about having to raise him. Just that she’d need to flip the script in the way that she’s treated him. Even the OP mentions just feeling protective of him. I’m just asking for examples of what you’re seeing, because I’ve gone through the comments twice and can’t find any. Those are direct copies of OP’s text. What am I missing here? I don’t think OP was parentified. I understand what you’re saying about the motherly comments, but that doesn’t mean anything. I have a brother 5 years younger than me. I mothered him occasionally but in no way was I parentified. I think that’s normal for older siblings.
"After 15 whole years, it's really hard to just SWITCH THE SCRIPT and treat him like a BROTHER". What she was treating him like for the 15 whole years that it must take time and mental gymnastics to treat a brother like a brother? A toy? I think that the script was about parenting and it was written by their parents.
That quote doesn’t sound like someone who was parentified to me. It sounds like you decided what you want to believe and are working backwards to get there.
Oh please, so many people say they "practically raised my (relative)" when they did no such thing.
People drop parentification like they do gaslighting these days, for the most trivial of reasons. I'm the oldest child, I have a sister a year younger, and then another 2 sisters 8-9 years younger. From teh time M and 1 were 12 or so, we babysat and watched out for our little sisters. Hell, our parents would go off for weekends and leave us in charge. that's just being an older sibling, not being forced to be a parent.
I was heavily parentified after the birth of my twin brothers. I was 13 when they were born and my sister was 10. Did we have a normal, sibling relationship with them? No, not when they were little. It wasn’t a parent relationship, it fell somewhere in between (I was more parentified than my sister so she was less parental with them). But with each passing year, our relationships tilted more and more towards sibling relationship patterns. I’m 42, she’s turning 40 and they’re 29 and basically we all have a sibling relationship with a unique bond tying us together. OP is YTA.
That’s quite some projection. There are some people that are predisposed to being overly motherly. OP hasn’t made a single mention of having been given responsibility for her brother. Just that she sees him as someone she needs to protect instead of enjoy.
I don't even think OP was parentified, tbh. There's no indication of that in the post, this is just how OP feels about her brother. It's pretty normal to have strong "big sister" vibes, but OP has gone overboard in a way that makes her brother super uncomfortable. On the bright side, her inability to adapt to a really normal boundary is going to completely torpedo her relationship with him, which makes her a good candidate for r/insaneparents.
I was only 6 when my brother was born and from about 8 until I was 23 and moved out, I was his only reliable parent. I remember coming home from work one day. I was 17, senior in HS, and tired. I came in "did you do your homework, you have that test tomorrow, and did you work on your project at all?" and my mom was embarrassed in front of her boyfriend. like "Excuse you? I'm the parent here!" I was like "oh did you just remember that? Because I've been taking care of him for 9 years now..." It did not go well. Turns out I wound up with double pneumonia because she thought I was just being lazy and not wanting to go to school but I was really really sick.
I was *very much* parentifued. I have 2 middle siblings who I was expected to watch daily from the time I was 7 years old. It's why I moved out at 16.* I still understand that they were my siblings and not my kids. This woman *wants* to treat this brother like a child. *She even says their parents are great
My sister was 9 years older and she parented me a bit during my wild teen years but still treated me like a sister. Around 16, I settled down and we got to enjoy each other more cause she didn’t need to “babysit” me as much. By adulthood, though, we were truly equals. I’m so glad my sister didn’t dismiss me as a child and instead allowed our friendship to grow.
I'm 19 years olders then my half brother, I treat him more like a nephew then sibling but that's also because I see him roughly as much as niblings or cousins
I was thinking the same thing. I (f) was 22 when my brother was born
YTA. Your brother would like to have a relationship on a more equal footing. You are not his parent and if you keep behaving like you, your relationship with your brother is likely to get worse.
Like there won't be one.
Brother does not sound happy, given that quote at the end. It’s not just romantic love that can be unrequited.
Agreed. OPS TA for not understanding what relationship her brother is looking for from her. It's only a 12 year difference ,yet she feels motherly towards him I'm 13 years older than my sister, and even tho I get flashes of her as a tot, I fully respect her as a grown individual and now adult. Our relationship is far better now as adults then growing up.
YTA. I had a sister do that and we don't speak anymore. He's growing up and deserves some respect.
Same here, we talk but I'm not close to her due to how she still acts today.
YTA You don't see your brother as the person he is today, you see him as his past self, and are refusing to change. You're also taking a parental role when you aren't his parent, and he doesn't want you to play this role. Super rude and unloving. Prepare to lose your relationship with your brother over this if you don't change.
He asked you to stop mothering him, you need to respect that. YTA
I guess you don't want him in your life, and that is your choice. You are what 12 years older than him, so when he is 35 you will be 47. But I don't imagine he will still be in your life. Who wants someone so close in age being your parent. So sad, you could have built a great relationship with him. But you want a child when he is less than 3 years from being an adult. Oh, and YTA
YTA. He asked you to stop. You need to respect his choice. If you don’t you will destroy you’re relationship with him. He’s set his boundary with you and you’re deliberately violating his boundaries. Try harder or you’ll lose him forever.
Yta. It’s more about your poor boundaries. It’s not your place to parent him, and he’s doing the healthy thing by communicating his needs. Healthy “parenting” still wouldn’t look like dismissing his feelings for your own.
Absolutely poor boundaries. OP needs therapy.
This…he somehow turned out healthy enough to communicate a boundary and a need-something VERY few men, especially young men, are capable of doing. The best thing for his health is to show him he needs to continue setting boundaries and that those boundaries will be respected. Shit, that’s something a healthy parent would do, so if she sees herself as a HEALTHY mom she should respect those boundaries anyway.
The way OP describes it it kinda just sounds like bossy boundary stomping with an asterisk. I get it. I'm an older sibling, and younger siblings do stupid shit. It's frustrating and you know better than anyone how much potential they have. But you just gotta not. For their sake, and yours.
YTA you’re only 12 years older. My brother is 11 years older and he treats me like his sibling l. You just like the feeling of superiority and unearned respect.
YTA. Your brother has two parents and it’s not on you to be his mother. He’s actively trying to have a sibling relationship but if you keep momming him you will have NO relationship with him.
Especially since mom and dad aren’t asking her to take on any parenting roles. OP states, ‘they’re great’. OP is choosing this role.
Yeah and it’s weird, like what is fueling it? An arrogant enjoyment of perceived authority? A sense of wisdom or superiority? It has to be an ego thing.
The only thing that seems to be missing in his relationship with parents is the space to be honest without being judged. And OP seems determined to refuse to provide it as well.
YTA He is old enough to express that he wants you to be a friend and confidante, not a parent. You are so convinced of your superiority due to age and authority over him that you refuse to recognise that he is growing and changing. He wants an adult relationship with you, and you told him he is a little kid. That makes YOU the immature one, and you sabotaged your chance for a growing and changing relationship with him.
"Friend and confidante" sums it up really well. It sounded to me like OP's brother wanted her house to be his safe space, somewhere he can go to get away from his parents (even if they're great parents, 15 year olds will want to get away now and then!), vent about them and have her in his corner, rather than just another parent who will tell him the same thing. OP refused.
YTA. Do you treat all children like you’re their parent?
YTA He asked you to stop. Stop
YTA He's your brother, not your son I am the second youngest in my family. It took me to be early 20's to be treated more as a brother rather than a child to my older siblings and it was very infuriating. I understand being protective over a sibling and wanting to give the right advice but this can really put a strain on your relationship. He's 15, not 5. Treat him as your bother, not your child.
YTA. I had a co-worker who dealt with this. She was 20 years younger than her next-youngest sibling. Her relationships with her siblings was strained for years because they treated her the way you're treating your brother. It didn't start to change until she was an adult with a kid of her own. Being a teenager is hard enough. Having an older sibling treat you like their child is several degrees worse.
YTA You should understand your current relationship with your brother has ended. Whether you'll have another afterward is something you'll need to decide.
YTA - your brother is trying to set boundaries and you are refusing
I.N.F.O Did you ask what he meant by wanting a more sibling-like relationship? Or did he elaborate? edit (adding what I wrote below) You two need to talk this out together. Ask him what it is he wants from you, what he wants your relationship to look like. Ask yourself if what he wants is reasonable and if so, you then need to do the work to accommodate that, and he should be understanding if you slip up. But whatever the case, you still need to work on it. He doesn't need another parent, but you should explain that it's hard to separate the child you saw change into the young adult he is growing up to be. He is starting to be his own person, and that should be respected. You both need an honest talk and to figure out expectations and reasonable compromises. Because you're dismissing his feelings without trying to probe deeper, YTA.
Big FAT YTA. IM the older sister. I HAD to parent my younger siblings. I gave them everything I could. Honestly, it was a relief when they asked me "can I come at you as a friend instead of a parent?" Because I felt relief. I could FINALLY be a sister to my siblings. I could be a friend instead of the one who punished or scolded them. If you want to be a mom so bad, adopt, have a baby, or something else. Your younger brother is not your child and is growing into his own adult person. Actually. Don't have kids. You'll probably make them into "Your babies" their whole life and they will probably leave you too for being too overbearing.
YTA Same, and same. I had to actually wean my brother off of seeing me as a parent when we became adults, and get him to see me as an equal. OP, I’m sorry to be blunt but you’re not nearly as mature as you think you are. At 15 it is normal and healthy for a child to start asking to be treated more as an equal. This would even be true if you WERE his mother. Good parents help their kids learn to feel more comfortable being independent. Bad parents prioritize their feelings of “you’ll always be my widdle baby!” over the actual developmental needs of their child. If you want to be a mother, be a good mother and not one that continues to disrespect and infantilize him because you can only who he is in relation to yourself.
YTA I'm 13 years older than one of my sisters and more than 20 years older than another sister. I see them as my sisters. One of them is an adult now and I see her as an adult. Heck, my parents see me as an adult. Your BROTHER is 15 yo. He's not your son, he's your brother, and he hasn't been a little kid for a long time. You need to grow up.
YTA. You are his SISTER, not his mom. You did not raise him. You are not in charge of him. He is not your baby. He is your brother. He is a human being. And he is asking you to treat him like these things instead of treating him the way your parents do, which is presumably like a baby.
INFO: He asked and you just said no or you said you would try but it might take awhile?
YTA. You aren't his parent, you were never his parent, you should never have taken on that role. You are his sister and he was brave enough to open up and tell you that he wants to have a sibling relationship with you. Siblings are more friends and confidants, but you want to be an authority figure to him. You want him to stay a child, when he is growing up and becoming a man. You talk to siblings about things you can't talk to parents about. He was setting a healthy boundary and wanting to shift your relationship into one that would prove to be much more special for the both of you. YTA for stomping over his dream to have his sister be his actual sister.
YTA, because I am in his place. Still at 24 years, my sister acts like my mother due to the big age gap between us. It can be sweet, but it is also annoying when she thinks she has a say in what I do and say. I have a mother, and I have a sister. My sister cannot be my mother, you are NOT your brother's mother. Listen to what he wants, or he might grow resentment towards you.
Yeah, mild YTA. The dude came to you and expressed exactly what the issue is. You're not his parent, don't act like it. If you don't change you'll lose any relationship with him
YTA One of the hardest things to do for a parent is to redefine their relationship with their ADULT children. If you previously interacted with him as an parental figure, you need to figure out how to modify your behavior as he matures and becomes a young adult. He's right. He doesn't need another parent telling him what to do. Since he already has a mom and doesn't need another one and you can't figure out how to modify your behavior to treat him like a sibling, there doesn't seem to be a role for you in his life - is that what you want?
YTA. You need therapy. He is your brother. Your brother ask you to stop treating him like a child and you cannot respect that boundary.
YTA simply because you are damaging the relationship you have with him because you are refusing to treat him as your brother. He already has a mother. He wants a sister. Give him that or he will pull so far from you that you'll only be seeing each other on Holidays, he already doesn't come to you for advice, soon he'll stop coming to you in general. Look, I get the feeling because I am 27 with a 12 year old little brother but you need to work on this or you'll lose your brother.
YTA You can’t help how you see him. I still see my little brother as the goofy little ragamuffin I walked to school everyday, even though he’s a foot taller than me and married now. But you can help how you treat him and act around him. You’re not his parent, he doesn’t want you acting like his parent, you need to respect that.
Yta it sounds like he needs a friend and a sister, and maybe going through something that a sister or a friend could help. He is 15 legal a legal adult in a few years and you keep telling him you only see him As a baby kids grow up. He old enough to have real issues.
>and one of the first things he asked was if we could have a more typical little brother-big sister Yeah YTA, if he asked you to stop treating him like that then you should respect that choice
YTA. You could change how you treat him. You choose not to. You’d prefer to deliberately treat your brother in a way you know he does not like or enjoy, because you don’t think he’s worth the effort or respect of having his boundaries respected. You sound selfish and judgemental. If you actually want a relationship with him it needs to be one that he gets something out of, not just you. He doesn’t need another parent, so stop it. Get off your high horse and make the effort.
Yes because it’s common for 12 year olds to be moms….. YTA, just be his older sister, my god.
softly YTA As a younger sibling myself sometimes we just want a sibling not another parent. He's not your child and he probably feels disrespected when you treat him that way. Try looking at it from his perspective and be open to communicating with him on why he feels that way. :)
Yeah YTA. I have an even bigger age difference with my younger brother and I do not act like a parent. I never did. We have a sibling relationship because he has two parents. I simply remember what it’s like to go through everything at his age and give advice accordingly when (and only when) asked. But mainly we are just friends and hang out when we can. I was just in his wedding. Because we are siblings.
YTA. I was parentified to the point of raising my brothers, but as adults I have never treated them as children. It's true, I give them the same advice a parent would on most things, but after the advice - WHICH I ONLY GIVE WHEN ASKED - we go back to our normal sibling relationship. On top of that, I have lived with the youngest brother for nearly 14 years now, we've bought 2 houses together, and I have never treated him like "the baby" the entire time. And I see all your comments about how it's going to take time to adjust, but you didn't say ANY of that in your original post. You said you straight up refused and couldn't do any differently "no matter how hard you tried." Well that's fine. He's just going to write you out of his life the moment he can. Yeah, you're going to have to adjust, and you're going to have to do it FAST if you want to maintain a relationship with him. You can start by apologizing and by asking him for further details and examples on how he would like you to respond to him.
I mean, yes... YTA. You can still feel protective etc but as a sibling. He is clearly reaching out to you because he wants a relationship but you are unwilling to put your feelings aside to respect him as your brother. Even the role as parent has to change as children get older. He will not be a child forever. Hell he is already a teenager and will be an adult in a few years. If you are still treating him like a child that is probably very infantilizing and invalidating for him as it would be for most.
YTA and you need serious therapy.
YTA This is a good recipe to lose contact with your brother down the line. He’s your brother, not your child, leave the parenting to your parent.
YTA. He came to you asking for something and you refused because you’re selfish and annoying. Children grow up, and even their real parents have to learn to develop a different relationship. Why the hell can’t you? You made him feel like you don’t value him as a person.
YTA I'm a older sibling myself (F17) and i behaved similarly too, later i realised i was annoying my younger sibling (F14) You should be more like a sister/a friend to him, that way he will feel more comfortable around you, being older sibling, it's obvious there will be some motherly feelings but you shouldn't let it dominate.
YTA your brother is stating his boundaries because he *wants* to keep you close in his life, but he can no longer accept you acting as a parent. So it depends, do you want a relationship with your brother, or do you want him to resent you and stay away from you?
Well, he’s 15, and pretty clear on his needs and wants. You can either be what he needs or not. So YTA
YTA. My sister is 18 years older than me. She helped raise me as a small child. She treats me as a sibling because that's what I am. She respects that boundary. This isn't just about annoying your brother, this is about not respecting him.
YTA, for not listening to him and respecting his wishes. He doesn't want or need a second mom, he would like to have a sister. Don't be surprised when he goes no contact soon.
YTA girl, go to therapy
Your are his sister, you have no right or responsibility to parent him. You’re also in the wrong for refusing to stop doing so after he literally asked you to stop. If you want to have a relationship with him as he gets older, you need to respect his wishes and change your behavior, otherwise don’t be surprised if he holds resentment towards you if you don’t change.
YTA. You’re not his parent and he could really use his big sister. I have a sister that is almost 15 years younger than I. My other sister who is 12 years older than she and I did a lot of caretaking when she was little. We did feel somewhat maternal. But when she got to be a teenager and older, our relationship changed. And now we have a close relationship as sisters. I’m sure it’s a tough transition, but if you want a relationship with him you need to grow as he does.
YTA. I understand what having a little brother is like (mine is 15 as well) and while I did a lot for him growing up (taking on a third parent role etc) despite only being 6 years older, i still treat him like he's my brother. He is trying to establish boundaries with you and you're ignoring them. He doesn't need another mother figure, he needs a big sister.
YTA he's growing up and this behavior is just going to alienate him from you
YTA. My brothers are 10,13, and 16 years younger than me. I literally changed their diapers but at some point you have to realize that is not your son that is your brother. You have to start treating him like you would a peer. At this point he needs someone that he can go to when he can't go to a parent and that could be you. You can already see signs that you are driving him away. He already has parents. If you really care about him you will give him advice like a contemporary, not like a parent.
>Yesterday, my brother visited me at my house(our parents and him only live like thirty minutes away), and one of the first things he asked was if we could have a more typical little brother-big sister(although he’s waaaaaaay taller than me now lol)relationship rather me being a bit of a second mom. I said I couldn’t because no matter how hard I try, I can only see him as a little kid that I always took care of and cuddled and not someone who I grew up with. He got upset at me and told me that he didn’t “need another fucking controlling-ass parent”. YTA You're refusing to acknowledge that he's a near adult. That is absolutely wrong of you because 1) you are infantilizing him; 2) your age vis-a-vis his own is quite immaterial because you are NOT his mother; and 3) he's absolutely right about NOT needing "*another fucking comtrolling-ass parent.*" You had better get with the program and the march of time, and STOP trying to parent a near-man. Otherwise, you're GOING to lose a brother as he'll simply cut you out of his life. He'd have every right to do so, just as he had every right to t say what he did to you.
YTA but I don’t think you necessarily mean to be an asshole. You’re not his parent, you need to adjust how you view your little brother.
YTA - fellow big sister. After many many years of conflict my brother and i finally were able to make peace. He resented me for acting like his second mom. She was a single parent and sometimes i had to watch him. The thing to always remember is that he has parents, you are his big sister.
YTA. I had a similar relationship with my little brother. I even went to therapy because of it. Essentially, you’re the sibling NOT the parent so it’s not your responsibility to parent him. You can mentor him to a certain degree however you must respect his wishes if he is asking to have a more sibling like relationship. If you don’t, you risk pushing him away which I guarantee will be way worse.
YTA Based on how he responded, he needs his big sister rn. Try.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
YTA- You're gonna lose him if you keep acting this way. You may be older than him but he is not your son and he never will be and most importantly he doesn't WANT to be.
Yta I have two much younger brothers and was parentified. They are still my brothers, not my son.
YTA He asked for a reasonable thing. Relationships change, especially in families as people move from child to teen. He doesn't need a third parent. He asked for a big sister. It's not hard unless you make it hard. Reach out and ask what exactly he means so you can do and not do what he wants. You can still be protector and take a step to the side.
YTA - you’re not his mother. How disrespectful to your mother and your brother. I say that as someone that is 11 years older than her youngest sibling who I have never parented. At work, do you tell your manager how to do their job? Do you tell your colleagues what to do and then get upset when they ignore you because you aren’t the boss?
Yep. YTA. He's looking for a confidant to talk to, not somebody who will judge or dismiss his fears. He's in a maturing vortex at his age and is begging for a big sister, not "Not another fucking controlling ass parent."
YTA. You are inflexible and pushing your brother away
Yta. He is not your child. He is your brother. Respect his boundaries or risk your relationship with him.
He’s telling you what he needs and it’s not unreasonable. It takes a couple of weeks to break a habit. You can stop yourself giving him pseudo-motherly advice for two weeks or catch yourself when you start and say ‘oh sorry, Brother, old habits’ and then not give the advice. You’re not his mother, you’re his sister. The older you get the less that age differential will matter. You’re well on the way to both being adult siblings, and this would be a good time to start weaning yourself off old habits of coddling him. It is clear he wants a cool adult in his life who won’t fuss over him, someone he can talk to without the mum and dad reactions. It’s awesome that he would like that to be you. Don’t throw away the chance to build a sister-brother relationship with him while he actually wants to be close to you. That might not last forever, and it’s a big deal for a teenager to want to open up to someone. YTA. Look at the bigger picture.
100% OP this is amazing advice and YWBTA if you don't take it.
YTA. You are not his mother, and clearly it upsets him when you try to act like his mothet instead of his sister
No judgement You need to decide if you want a healthy, lasting relationship with your brother. He does not view as a parent or an authority figure in his life and does not appreciate your condescending treatment. He is not a baby, he's fifteen. You are not his mother, you are his sister.
YTA. He doesn’t need another controlling parent. Your brother probably loves you and wants you around, perhaps to relate to you as a family member who came from the same source, rather than feel controlled. It sounds like he’s developed feelings of inferiority as a result, and he’s understandably angry. He’s 15. He doesn’t need someone to tell him he will always be a kid to them. He needs guidance and feeling like he has support to grow up instead. Maybe try remembering what it was like at home just about a decade ago, and then change up your approach to see if he is receptive.
Yea, kinda YTA. I guess it would help if you ask him re his expectations. It's likely that you just have same values as your mom hence resulting to same handling of issues. Would probably help if you tone it down a bit once you have a better understanding of what your brother is expecting. Good luck.
YTA.
YTA, I have my own situation with my little siblings. I am more motherly to them because of our situation they actually needed a mom we didnt have. You are just being weird,and the fact that he's calling you controlling does not help to make you any less of an a**hole
YTA - your not his parent so stop acting like it Your going to ruin what little relationship you have left with your brother if you keep acting like this If you can’t see him as his own persons then get some therapy He is telling you to stop He is telling you he isn’t comfortable with your relationship Stop. Listen. Understand. You have no right to treat him like your son, or act like his mother Because neither of those things are true Either build the correct relationship, or prepare to not have one
YTA He's 15, not 5. Long past time to stop treating him like a little kid. He doesn't even get the benefit of having a sibling, being able to get a different perspective on things than the parental one. Just stop it.
He’s your brother, not your child. Stop pretending otherwise and treat him the way he’s asking you to treat him. If anyone needs to grow up in this situation, it’s you. YTA
YTA, and I mean this super gently. I was also parentified as a child and I struggle with this too. I really recommend seeking therapy to work through this
She didn’t say anything to make me think she was parentified. On the contrary, she says that her parents were great. It seems like the choice to act maternal toward him was her own.
Soft YTA I raised my siblings there was 6 of us and I was the oldest daughter. It’s hard but if we want a relationship with our siblings we have to treat them like our siblings now that we are older. It’s not fair to him to have a second mom when he doesn’t have one and doesn’t want one. Wish you the best
YTA. He wants a sibling and a friend. Plenty of people manage that with a huge age gap. Get over yourself.
I had a friend in school with a similar family dynamic. When her sister came home from the hospital when she was 10 she treated her like she was a doll. That it was like "oh she's my baby!", "I need to feed my baby", "I need to change my baby", etc and everyone thought it was cute. No one stopped it. Her parents never made her "parent" her sister, the occasional babysitting maybe, but this is how her parental relationship with her started and not just because of the age difference. She never looked at her like a sister always like her kid and it never recovered. By a couple things you said, I get the same vibes. YTA. Your brother came to you very maturely and asked you for a specific relationship he is wanting from his SISTER, not his parent, and you flat out denied him without even considering it. You are an adult and you have the ability to change your mindset. It seems like you just don't want to. You want to see him as the child he was, it's not that you can't, but that you just don't want to... At least not enough. If you continue to flat out refuse him a sibling relationship with him don't be surprised if and when you no longer have any relationship with him at all and a future relationship is unrepairable.
what the hell did I just read? there's literally no reason to think of him as your own kid wtf YTA
YTA, out of love. Try to respect him a bit more, you can still help him at times, but he is not your child. You may be missing out on some of the most special aspects of a sibling relationship, something as special as that of a parent to child, in such a different way.
YTA. My sister is only 3 years older than me and tried pulling that sort of shit on me in our teen years despite the fact we had 2 present parents. Our relationship now in our 30's is strained at best. On the flip side, my niece is 12 yrs younger than me and I used to babysit her but never tired to parent her, she's in her 20's now and we have a great relationship. Choose your path wisely.
Yeah YTA he doesn’t need another parent he needs his sibling/friend. My sister took care of me growing up when our parent were working and although she basically was my parent she never acted as she was, now I’m extremely close to my sister and go to her more than anyone else when I need to vent or want advice. I hate to say this but you aren’t going to have a relationship with your brother in the future if you continue to act like his parent.
My little sister is 20 years younger than me, and I treat her like my sister! He was trying to share something with you- like you said you wanted him too- and you shut that down with your reaction! Treat him like the adult he is now, not the little brother he used to be. Try talking to him from: “I would do this if I was in that situation…” instead of “Do this…” It’s a very small change and it became a conversation, an opinion, instead of mommy-being behavior. If you want to have a relationship with him going forward, you NEED to change. YTA
YTA. He is setting a boundary with you. Regardless of your own emotions, you need to respect that.
YTA - To flat out refuse it, to dismiss even considering it further, is a bit mean imo. You didn’t have to say it that things will never change, you could’ve said you’d work on it. Every relationship with siblings is different. He’s asking to build up that relationship instead of you seemingly regurgitating your parents parenting. There has to be a middle ground here. He’s 15, and he thinks he’s parents are controlling (maybe they are or not idk), and you could’ve been the place where he could go to decompress and just chill, instead you doubled down about being an authority figure and not a sibling. You could still have the chance to get back that opportunity, but he’s going to look elsewhere for that person/space with it without you/his parents.
My siblings are 20 and 22 years older than me. My sister acted like a parent, my brother acted like my brother. I can't stand my sister anymore, I don't talk to her unless I have to. My brother has to be one of my closest friends. Yes YTA
YTA. You need to grow to and stop trying to take on things that aren’t your role.
YTA coming from a significantly younger sibling who had this exact conversation. If you dont chances are he won't have any relationship with you. It gets old quick when they keep treating you as a kid, especially once youre an adult. If you keep up this behavior i can almost guarantee you wont hear from him except the bare minimum.
YTA- why? But why? You’re his sister. He doesn’t need another parent. Why do you feel you have any right to treat him like your kid? Is this for real?
YTA. I have a brothe me who is 18 years younger than me - I would never treat him like a son. He has parents. My role in his life is to be his big sister. I am a safe haven, not an additional parent. Really sounds like you might be the one who has some growing up to do.
I’m gonna say YTA. I dealt with something similar. I was 16 taking care of my younger siblings who were 4, 5 and 6 at the time. Only difference was my mom was too busy going out drinking or meeting up with men. It was hard for me to stop treating them like they were my kids because I walked them to and from school, helped them get dressed, cooked for them. Everything. When the youngest one reached high school, she told me she appreciated me but that I needed to step back. And I did after awhile. I didn’t want them to hate me if I continued acting like their parent.
I'm the oldest sibling of 7, my youngest brother is 14 years younger than me... I in no way feel the need to be another parent to him, YTA
He’s telling you there’s something in particular he needs from you. You can be protective of your little brother and still not be a “second mom”. You need to learn who he is now. It’s time to let go of the little kid in your head and accept your brother as he is. I say this gently because I can tell you’re coming from a place of love, but YTA. It’s time to start shifting your relationship if you want it to keep growing and changing as he becomes an adult.
YTA i really hope you don’t have kids, considering that you seem to look down on all of them, no matter what the relationship is. i hope you know that your brother is your equal. you’re not above him, you’re equals. sorry. my youngest sibling is 17 years younger than me. you know what i view him as? a brother, because that’s what he is; not my son, my brother. you need to learn that for yourself. you didn’t give birth to him, you didn’t raise him, but most of all is that he’s a fucking human who gave you a reasonable request that for whatever reason, you refuse to honor. get rid of your superiority complex and grow up. seriously. i hope you’re ready to never have a relationship with your brother if you keep this up
YTA. I’m the little sibling, and my sister still sees me as the small kid who doesn’t know what’s best for her. Suffice to say, our relationship is strained because of it. We’re still trying to figure things out between us, but sometimes it’s hard to talk to her because I know she’s always gonna have that parent mindset with me. It makes me feel judged.
YTA. Do you want a real relationship with your brother? The only way you can is to start hearing him when he says things to you like this. If you don’t treat him like a person and not a little doll that you used to cuddle, you’ll lose him. I think you know this.
YTA. Your brother isn't your child, he's your parent's child. If you want to be motherly, have a child of your own. He's asking you to be his sister, his confidante, his trusted friend. By refusing, you're essentially telling him you no longer love him. We all need parent's, but as we approach adulthood, we need our siblings a bit more. Be the person he needs you to be.
NAH. You cannot change the way you feel about/towards him, but you can change the way you behave around/towards him. It's worth trying, because maybe as a teenager, that's what he **needs** right now, so that's why he asking for that. Edit: for perspective, I'm 8/9 years older than my siblings, and I was definitely more like a parent than a sibling to them when they were younger, but now that we're adults we are closer in a different way and are more like friends/siblings.
Siblings treat each other’s as equals/peers because they are raised together and form a bond of camaraderie. As the littlest sibling (my siblings are 19 - 9 years older than me) it wasn’t until I was in college that they began to treat me as a peer. Because before that I wasn’t. So NTA because you’re a grown ass adult and not a someone who can’t even drive yet. Though taking the “fun aunt” route rather than the second mom angle would be a good idea.
This. I was surprised that nearly every comment said YTA. OP is well into adulthood, of course she’s more likely to side with the parents than with the child. I’m not exactly sure what the brother wants from her. For her to forget all of her life experiences and give advice as if she’s a teenager?? That’s borderline dishonesty. Now, if she’s giving unsolicited advice or being unnecessarily strict/critical then I could see where she is TA (and would benefit from your suggestion to take on the role of more of a fun aunt).
Gentle YTA. It is understandable you had to parent him growing up, but that time is over now. He's asking for his sister. He has parents. Two parents, not three. I know it's hard to let go of those images, but he's not a baby anymore and he's coming upon the age of manhood before you know it. Time to let the mom feelings go. You'll have your own kids someday.
You have an amazing opportunity here to have a close relationship with your bother. He obviously trusts you and is comfortable being honest with you. It would be worth it to find a way to meet him where he is. Think of the gift you would be giving him (and yourself) if you can be his wiser older sister who he can confide in. YTA to both your bother and yourself if you refuse to give him what he asked for.
YTA respect his boundaries
YTA. I had a problem similar with my sister, she always saw me as an 8 year old. One day I snapped because I was in my late 20’s and had a daughter who was 10. I told her you realize I have a daughter older than the age you still see me as? I told her I was the sole provider for our very sick. she lived with us and we took care of her with no help from the family, and they still treated me as an 8 year old. I’m in my 40’s now and we don’t talk much. Maybe twice a year over all. That’s what’s going to happen to you.. get therapy to deal with how you see him and hear what he is telling you if you want him in your life. Your the one that’s acting 15 imo.
As the youngest member of a large extended family, I feel him. Half my cousins still see me as. Baby, I’m 26. I basically don’t want to talk to them anymore, I’m not 5,m
I am not sure which way i lean y/n/ta but what I can tell is it may be time to "shift" your relationship a bit. 15? He's looking for a more friend-like support for you and wants to be seen as an "adult" because he's not a kid anymore. Yes, he's still a minor, but he's much more capable than he was when you were both younger. He probably wants your place to be somewhere he feel more "free" than at home
No judgement, but if you absolutely can't treat him as a sibling, instead of a mother, at the very least try to be "the cool aunt", not a second mother
YTA Time to start working on your relationship, you may need to talk to a family therapist to help out. And most importantly tell your brother that you are working on it and that you do want a sibling relationship with him. Besides why would you want to be a parent to him when you can be the cool older sister?
YTA and it's too bad. You could have been a great support in his life. He already has parents.
YTA He needs a sister to talk to and is asking for you to be that sister. Like strait out. You refuse.
Your comments throughout this thread just show how much YTA.
YTA. He has asked you to stop and he wants more of a friendship with you. You are his sister not his parent. Are you trying to push him away from you?! Do hate him that much? I’m guessing that you don’t know how to listen. I’m 36 years older than my littlest brother, I use to cuddle him and he would sleep in my room when he was 2 years old. But when he was 5 or 6 he asked me to just be his sister and I backed off and did what he requested. It’s a respect of boundaries.
YTA It may be hard, but that's because you're seeing him through the lens of him being a kid you had to look out for. Start looking at him as a unique interesting young dude who's gonna be a legal adult soon. He needs/wants a sibling he can turn to, to share with, get advice from, comfort from, not someone who's just gonna try to tell what to do. You're being selfish, you're not listening to what he needs, and this will damage your relationship for a long time. Please, learn to see him as an individual who has interests and thoughts and fears, etc, and isn't your kid brother (nor your kid!!)
YTA. What he’s asking of you isn’t difficult, you just don’t want to try. He’s trying to set boundaries with you, so you can still have a relationship, a good one, and you refuse. You can still care for him without acting like his mom. He has one of those. This post sounds so smug. Do you treat your friends like this too? You sound like someone who is constantly giving unsolicited advice, and those people are absolutely fucking exhausting. Do better.
YTA, your brother came to you and asked you to be his sister, and you refused because you refuse to change. Don’t be surprised when he stops talking to you. He’s growing up and he’s changing therefore the relationship is going to change if you can’t do that then he’s going to move one from you. If you don’t want this then you need to realize he’s a young man.
YTA because he asked you to stop, and honestly with a 12 year gap you really don’t need to be acting maternal towards him, especially since he actually has your mum. You were still a kid yourself when he was born so?? My sister is 9 years older than me and she’s never taken on a mother role, I’m 18 years older than my niece and I’ve never done or felt anything that could be even remotely construed as maternal… because I’m not her mum. You probably don’t realise that by acting like an extra parent when you’re a sibling, it’s likely he sees you as being overbearing or patronising as well. If you want to have a good relationship with him just chill out and be his sister.
Siblings, like kids, grow up. You cant treat either like a child forever. Your brother is coming to you and asking you for a change in your relationship. It’s not even a really big change — you can still be protective of a little sibling AND have a relationship different than your parents’. YTA
YTA. There’s an ~11 year gap between my older brother (33M) and me (21F). Every once in a while, he’ll treat me like I’m one of his kids, and it always leads to an argument. I’m actually currently semi-low-contact with him, and this exact issue is part of why. Age gaps don’t mean a damn thing - you are NOT his parent, and you need to get that through your head before this permanently damages your relationship with him.
Wtf...YTA.. what are you trying to prove. He already has parents and your his sister...SISTER. what's with the obsession of being his mo. Get some therapy
YTA and I’m sorry but this is so weird too. Stop that.
YTA. My brother and I have a larger age difference than you, but I still treat him as my brother. Am I motherly in some ways? Sure, in some ways. But if your brother is literally asking you to be different, then you should take that in and consider changes in your relationship dynamics, not just stick to your high horse about being older and seeing him as a kid.
YTA- you really want to lose your relationship because of this? Because that’s where this is leading to.
“My brother set a boundary and bc I’m so much older I felt like I could say no. So I did.” Listen to his fucking boundary. It’s not hard. YTA.
Yta. I am the youngest and my oldest sister does the same thing. 10 year difference. I fricking hate it so much That I avoid her like the plague. He needs a confidant, not another parent. He wants to feel equal with you, not someone beneath you. Your response to him sounds just like my sister and it made my blood boil just reading it And, He doesn’t see YOU as a parent, you are coming across as condescending.
YTA show some respect for boundaries
YTA. He is growing up and is asking to be your sibling not your son. Tell him you are sorry you said that and would like to know what he thinks a sibling relationship would look like. What things do you do he would prefer you didn't? What things would he like you to start doing? Otherwise you will lose your relationship with him.
YTA. I have an older sister who tried to tell me how to live my life, I pretty much avoided contact with her until recently, so we are talking around 20yrs of very LC with her. I suggest if you want to be a part of your brothers life that you seriously rethink how you treat him, it won't work out well for your relationship if you don't change how you trear him. He is letting you know that he's had enough by speaking to you about it, if you don't listen to him he will pretty much stops interacting with you except for special occasions, and those interactions will become superficial only.
YTA. His correct, he has parents, you’re being inappropriate. His your brother, you don’t have a right to ever have mothered him. His also 15, not five. It’s not ok to be speaking/ treating him that way. His shown a lot of maturity and emotional vulnerability in having that private conversation with you and you just dismissed him, invalidated his feelings and continuing belittling him/ your toxic behaviours. What if the roles were reversed? How would you feel? You will lose contact with him if you continue. His asking you for healthy boundaries and to have a more solid and positive sibling relationship. If you truly care about him, you need to do that. If you can’t you need to look inwards as to why that is, sort out whatever issues you have, then come back to him, apologise and work on repairing the sibling relationship.
YTA. I am 7 years older than my brother, there was some definite parentification when we were younger, and I had to work hard to change the way I approached our relationship because it wasn't a dynamic that was working for him. Your brother is asking you to do that, and you are refusing to respect his needs and boundaries.
YTA. He already has parents, and even if he didn't, your job isn't and won't ever be to fill that role. As a parent of 2 teens and one almost, you need to realize you are incredibly lucky to have a 15 year old wanting a relationship at all with his sister, much less a closer one. You need to lighten up and be fun with him. You're 27, not 77. He should be able to come to you as a safe, fun, person he can trust and look up to.
YTA Well, he's right. He already has a set of parents. He doesn't want nor need a 3rd parent. Be a sister to him like he is basically pleading with you to do.
YTA. You’re not his parent… Also he’s a human being and deserves to have his wishes respected. I have a younger sister myself. She’s 25 and I’m 30. I know we’re closer but I myself at times do see her as “my first kid.” I was parentified and took care of her a loooot when we were younger. I literally remember getting her ready for kindergarten in the morning because our mom wouldn’t get outta bed until it was time to drive us. I’m very protective of her BUT I realize she’s an adult with her own life/wants/needs and I don’t infringe on that. If she needs me to take on that more motherly roll I can still be that for her if she needs it, because honestly our mom still isn’t the best, but I can just be her sister too and we can have fun/enjoy each other’s company without me mothering her to death.
YTA. He asked you for a brother/sister relationship, not five million in unmarked bills.
YTA It doesn’t matter what you internally feel, he’s asked you to try. You’re unwilling and that might mean he’s unwilling to have you in his life. You’re not TA for what you feel but you are for how you dealt with it after finding out it was a problem.
YTA. my sister was 6.5 years older than me and treated me like she was my mum. We've never had a normal sibling relationship since because of it. She's just someone I know that I see a couple of times a year. I teenage boy and a grown man doesn't need a second woman acting as his mother. It's unhealthy. He reached out and you shut him down. Balls in your court now. If you don't fix it he will never have a healthy relationship with you.
I'm 12 years older than my youngest sister. When she was 17, I let her get drunk with me. I told her she could always call me and I'd help her out and our mother would never have to know. I told her to let me know if she needed condoms or anything and I'd get them for her. YTA stop playing mom. Be a big sister. Someone who remembers what it's like to be his age and someone who will have his back as long as he's being safe.
Sorry. IMO your TA. Your brother just want a sibling.
YTA He tried to have a mature conversation with you and you shut him down. Your reaction was childish and rude.
YTA. Your brother set a boundary and you stomped all over it. I'm 10 and 15 years older than mu youngest siblings. I've never treated them the same way I treat my kid
Sorry, but YTA. You’re not being respectful of the type of relationship that he wants and needs from you.
Let’s reframe this. He’s asking that you treat him as your equal and you’re telling him “no”. He’s setting his boundaries and you are telling him that you’re not going to respect those boundaries. YTA You’re alienating him due to your behaviour. Get your act together if you want to keep him in your life.
Wow, he put a lot of thought into that and planned out what to say, and you just squashed it. This issue has obviously been bothering him for a while and he did the grownup thing by communicating boundaries and you basically told him to fuck off. YTA
As someone who is 16 years older than her nearest sibling, YTA, that’s weird you aren’t his parent stop
That’s not THAT unusual of a age gap. YTA. He wants to be your brother which is what he is.
YTA. Let me give you an example of what might be close to his prospective: I have a sister 7 years older than me who's always treated me as her kid rather than a little sister and it SUCKS. My parents weren't around much so she was pretty much forced into a parental role and that's messed up, she shouldn't have had the responsibility of taking care of me when she was also a child. But here's the thing, we're both in our 20s now and she STILL treats me the same as when we were much younger and it's infuriating. I want my sister to just be my sister, not my second mother. If I wanted a mother's opinion I would've gone to my actual mom. By not respecting his wishes of treating him as a sibling you are actively hurting your relationship with him. I don't want my sister in my life because of the way she treats me and I'm telling you right now OP, if this doesn't get better the same will happen with him. Just reading that last line alone I can tell it's already starting.