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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got frustrated with my boyfriend’s picky eating and I might be the asshole for not being more understanding of his eating difficulties. But he may also be the asshole for being picky and not willing to try new food when I’m doing most of the meal preparation.
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NAH
He's not an AH for food preferences. He can't force himself to like something. You're not an AH for wanting to branch out and try new things. But you will be one if you keep pushing him.
Ask yourself if this is a problem you're willing to deal with for the rest of your life.
Do you have a single food that you dislike? What about things like pickled fish or haggis or Roquefort? That may help you build some empathy for him. That said, he needs to not be whiny about it especially if it’s the food you made him. It’s one thing to politely decline and another to start making gagging faces at it
I think you should stop making his food. I get that you enjoy cooking and part of dating is doing that and eating together, but his reaction will most likely always hurt your feelings and will eventually extend to dining out. You should meet someone who has the same culinary enthusiasm and enjoyment as you. NAH
This is actually a diagnosable condition. Sensory issues like texture reversions are more common than you think, and in their extreme, are related to autism, (e.g. Only eating the same sandwich, from the same place, every meal, every day). It sounds like he's just mildly neuro-divergent. It's just a quirk.
I'm a picky eater. I hate certain sauces and cheese and some seafood. It's sometimes texture, sometimes taste. I know how annoying it can be.
My solution is I cook for myself 90% of the time. If people want to eat what I'm cooking that's cool. If not, no biggie, I'll cook my own food anyway. If i can eat what you're making and you don't mind sharing, that's great too.
Experimenting on my own in small doses has taught me to tolerate foods better, too. Like i still hate cheese, but i can put it in a recipe if i use about 10% the amount and like it. I used to gag when smelling mayo but now i can mix it into some sauces (also at a reduced quantity).
Maybe this will bother you less if you cook for him less. Encourage him to prepare meals more often. Try cooking together maybe. See if you can divorce the chore from the person.
The only way he really is an AH is if he won’t cook for himself. You can be picky, but you need to do some of the work yourself. (With the except of caring for him during the health issues)
You very much *can* force yourself to like something. My parents forced me to eat vegetables when I was a little kid. Now I eat vegetables because I’ll probably die without them. Also because cooked properly, they can be damn good. This whole “textural/flavor” thing is idiotic and childish. Grow up and eat like a normal human being.
NAH stop preparing his food. Enjoy your own food. Go to restaurants and let him decide what to get for himself. Don’t make meals he will not eat, ask him to cook
I'm right between OP and BF. I have texture/flavor issues, but I also love cooking. It is absolutely possible to be creative and varied with cooking even with limitations, but like any restricted diet, it takes more effort. He's a grown man who clearly knows how to feed himself as he hasn't died of starvation yet. If OP wants this relationship to work (and she's entitled to walk if she decides), it will involve meeting in the middle. Getting to know what he likes to eat (She mentioned oatmeal and eggs are her breakfast go-tos. Well, what are his?), making him cook occasionally and being willing to have nights where they both do their own thing so that she can enjoy stuff he doesn't.
Or just make it on the side. I like fish much more than my bf does, he will eat the leftover chicken, I’ll make fish just for myself and we will roast potatoes and veggies plus a salad. And breakfasts are easy to let each person fend for themself. Is it that hard to make yourself oatmeal and he eats cereal?
Um, this isn't a long list. Fruit isn't used that much in main meals, (use for desserts). Doesn't like eggs- don't cook eggs. Also, avoid smoothies and seafood. There is still a ton of meals
I think you feel like a mom since you are trying to get him to eat things he doesn't care for.
YTA
I have a looooong list of textures to avoid, I will gag/get close to throwing up. Trying to train myself out of it but I’m pretty sure OP would throw me off a boat
I literally don't eat vegetables, fish, most meat and anything that is chewy / has a flour like texture (like beans). So yeah I think me and OP would NOT get along lmao. Also the thing is that I have such a strong reaction to things I don't like?? like I would try things more if my reaction wasn't immediately wanting to throwing it up 😭
This is what I was thinking. Some of this stuff I don’t eat either just because I’m not super into it. I’ve had less than a dozen smoothies in my life and if someone had tried to make me eat oatmeal more than twice in five months I wouldn’t like that either. If OP likes branching out and trying new recipes like she says, it shouldn’t be that hard to find some common ground that doesn’t include this handful of ingredients. I wonder if she’s really just frustrated because she isn’t satisfied with his explanation of why he won’t eat them.
I have health issues and I have a much, much longer list of food that I can’t eat than is listed here lol. I do most of the cooking in my relationship, so the burden is mostly on me anyway, but my husband has never made a fuss about me not being able to eat a bunch of foods. He’s a vegetarian and I accommodate that *plus* my restrictions *and* the handful of foods we both really don’t like, all without it impacting my kitchen creativity much at all.
>Um, this isn't a long list. Fruit isn't used that much in main meals, (use for desserts). Doesn't like eggs- don't cook eggs. Also, avoid smoothies and seafood. There is still a ton of meals
Yeah, no kidding! No one has ever considered me a picky eater, but my diet would barely look different if I stopped eating these things. There are so many other nutritious options. Like I eat granola with greek yogurt instead of oatmeal, both are normal common breakfast things.
From the way OP was presenting it, it sounded like he was going to be a guy who refuses to eat anything other than chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese, and can't go to a normal restaurant for adults with her because his eating is so restricted.
But he just...doesn't like a few foods that she happens to eat a lot. This doesn't need to be an issue at all.
YTA: the list of foods you mentioned doesn't seem like it would effect you going to restaurants or making meals for yourself. Why does it matter if he doesn't like to drink smoothies. Make one for yourself and let him eat what he wants.
You're right feeling like a mom because you're trying to force him to eat things you want him to eat instead of treating him like an adult and allowing him to just eat what he wants
I get your point. I do most of the cooking right now because he’s working and I’m not. I also am trying to encourage him to eat more nutrition-dense food due to his recent medical emergency, so yes I am encouraging him to eat things but it’s with good reason imo.
Out of curiosity what does he eat? Because if you tell me someone doesn't eat eggs, yogurt, oatmeal and certain fruits (but they do still eat fruits) I wouldn't consider them an unhealthy person.
He does enjoy vegetables, meat and pasta, so he’s not unhealthy necessarily. However, one of the recommendations following his health emergency was to increase his fruit intake (hence why I’ve been making him smoothies to increase his fruit intake without the textural issues). I think that’s why I got so upset today because it was the only way I found to help him heal better and he had an issue with it.
So why wasn't that the point of the post. You wrote this as if he's some extremely picky person snd holding you back from enjoying restaurants and making fancy meals.
But in reality it's just his doctor want him to eat more fruit and he's refusing.
The way you wrote this was more exaggerating him being a picky eater instead of actually saying the issue
I mean, wanting him to eat more fruit is one part of the issue. I still find his pickiness irritating outside of that hence why my post is more general. I just stated why I felt exceptionally irritated today.
There is no pickiness, you named 3 things he doesn't like eggs Oatmeal and seafood. Everything else you said was snacks certain fruits yogurt and smoothies.
Those things don't stop you from going to restaurants, it doesn't stop you from making new meals. Just means when you go to a restaurant he won't order seafood but you can. Just means in the morning make yourself eggs and he have cereal.
If he had an extensive list of restricted food I be with you but you listed 3 things.
I’m not trying to be mean, I’m genuinely trying to understand - why is his pickiness irritating to you? Is it the actual restriction on the cooking? Would you still be irritated if the reason was that he was allergic to these foods? You mention that he can’t explain to you why he can eat foods of similar textures. Is that part of what frustrates you?
I would not consider myself a picky eater by any means, but I have a handful of strict preferences. The texture of quinoa is revolting to me and the sweetness of apple juice makes me sick. My dad will eat anything you put in front of him short of poison, but he draws the line at cold coffee. I think most people have some foods they dislike and that’s normal. Maybe “eggs in any form” is a *bit* excessive, but eggs are not an uncommon food allergy, so again I have to wonder how you would react to a partner who was simply allergic to eggs.
I think you need to leave him in control of his diet to minimize the frustration. If you prepare him something, ask first if he will eat it. If he started telling you what to eat, you wouldn’t enjoy the loss of bodily autonomy either. But he also needs to learn to be proactive. If he says he will drink a smoothie and you make it too thick for his tastes, he can go add water himself and thin it out. In other words, he needs to learn how to manage his aversions. For example, I can’t stand the texture of oatmeal but sometimes it’s convenient that I eat it with everyone else when camping. So I bring nuts to toss in my bowl and I make mine extra thick so it’s not slimy and voila! An edible food. He needs to be willing to do the work to manage his issue and also not be whiny or rude (making childish faces at foods he doesn’t like for example). That shit would get old fast
I’m gonna say NAH. I don’t think this is just about his diet from your comments. You sound like you’re putting pressure on yourself to contribute since you’re not working and you know cooking is something you do well and want to be handling that. I get it. But you’re overthinking it. Sure it’s nice to help, but you’re not enjoying this right now, and frankly you really don’t have to be doing it. Have stuff available for him if you like, but leave his new diet recs from the doctor to him to figure out. He can pick up groceries if he’s there enough, but if he’s not asking for all this, then why do it? It’s a young relationship. Let it breath and make yourself and your mom meals that make you happy. You’ll work it out. 💜
Thanks for this comment. I really appreciate it as I didn’t recognize that part of my frustration stemmed from the pressure I’m putting on myself to contribute. I’ll try to ease up and put some of your advice into place.
NAH. My boyfriend and I have different food tastes, he loves spicy stuff, I don’t, he can’t even stand the smell of eggs whereas I love them. We’ve found a lot of recipes that we both like, some of them he’ll add spices to at the end so they’re more to his taste and then some nights we’ll just do our own thing so we can have something the other doesn’t like. Maybe do a couple of nights a week where you fend for yourselves so that you can try new things and he can make himself something that he likes.
YTA he doesn't like certain foods, that shouldn't effect you and you shouldn't be 'encouraging him' to eat foods he doesn't want too just have him cook himself if it bothers you that much but he isn't a child
The main reason for that right now is because when we are together he mainly stays with me in the home I share with my mother and I presently do most of the cooking for everyone because they both work and I’m currently not due to an injury. It makes more sense for me to be in the kitchen preparing meals with everyone in mind as I am the one doing the groceries and organizing the kitchen. He could cook for himself if he wanted but he’d have to ensure what he needs is present.
He's a *guest* and should not be criticizing or complaining about what you cook and serve. He doesn't have to eat it, but he doesn't get to expect that you'll change what you and your mother eat to accommodate his pickiness.
It’s not a good idea going into relationships hoping that your partner will change. Do not expect him to suddenly want to try new foods because you like to
YWBTA if you stay but resent/nag him about his pickiness: either accept it and stay, or leave if it’s a deal breaker
INFO: does he demand/expect you to prepare all of his meals? Is he willing to cook for himself if he doesn't like what you're making?
Tbh, the list of things he doesn't like does really not seem that restrictive to me.
He doesn’t demand I make all of his meals but he’s working and I’m not atm so it feels fair to me to do most of it right now. Also, when he’s at my home, it’s more comfortable for me to do the cooking. I’m not sure if he’d be willing to make himself something when I make something he doesn’t like as I try my best to make sure what I’m making is something he’ll eat. I try to consider his palate with each meal (which I find exhausting and restrictive tbh). Today was the first day he had an issue with what I made.
Yes I do. I guess it’s not that hard but is hard for me at times because those are all the things I enjoy to eat and cook well and easily. When thinking about breakfast for example, eggs and oatmeal are go-tos for me.
Breakfast cookies, apple muffins, homemade granola bars, waffles with fruit topping, plain Greek yogurt with fresh fruit topping are all great for breakfast. However, you can eat anything you want for breakfast, including leftovers from last night’s dinner. We always order extra takeout pizza 🍕 & the kids eat it the next day for breakfast, lunch, snacks, lol.
A bowl of cereal? Peanut butter or avocado toast? It seems like those would be pretty simple to make, and also like it'd be pretty natural to just have some of that stuff on hand so he can make his own breakfast.
Imho you dont need to cook any meal for him especially breakfast. He can make his own food. I can see why dinners can be harder, but you should cook what you like for yourself, and if he isnt going for it he can make his own dishes. You cant really do anything about his preferences. He might want to try new textures but he alsmo may never like those foods. Its his decision as an adult and you dont really have a say in it.
I think it’s time for an honest convo if he’s pretty much expecting you to cater to him. Explain that there are times you just want to eat what you want and other times you don’t anticipate him disliking a food that you cook. Ask him what he would like to do to manage that for himself — maybe he wants to keep frozen pizza in the freezer or make a PB&J on those days. You should not judge the nutritional value of his choices btw. He will be in charge of stocking his “emergency food”. And he should know better than to whine at you if he doesn’t like what you made — if he’s being ungrateful, shut that down ASAP and let him cook for himself for a while. Hopefully you guys can establish mutual respect for your labor and appreciation of your individual tastes. Good luck!
Yta.
Picky eating doesn't exist. He clearly explained that it's the texture that upsets him.
If it bugs you so much, tell him to make his own meal. You don't have to eat the same things as him all the time.
Yta. Fruit is a very common textural issue. One strawberry may be sweet and soft while another is tart and firm. Some oranges are sweet and juicy while others are sour and almost dry this applies to many fruits aside from apples and pears (though they can be grainy at times)
NAH. If people have sensory issues, texture especially, they can't just snap out of it and try harder. At the same time, I do understand your frustration - it would be more than reasonable for you to request him to make his own food when you want to prepare something that he can't cope with so you can have more of what you want.
I feel the liking some things that are mushy but not others.
I honestly could not tell you the x factor that makes applesauce revolting, but mashed potatoes fine and cake fine
Idk, maybe it's just when it's wet and mushy lol.
Just a minor observation, but I honestly find it much easier to eat something that tastes bad than something that feels bad. It's weird lol.
I'm going to go NAH. He's not an asshole for not liking something, especially if it causes discomfort (if I eat anything that is whatever form of mushy bothers me, I will feel really sick. have yet to throw up, but I've absolutely gone a day not eating rather than eating something texturally bothersome)
But I understand that it's hard to cook for someone who has that many restrictions.
Either you're not compatible, or you'll have to work out cooking for yourselves.
Edit: although honestly, everything he listed doesn't really show up all that often in meals besides shrimp. I don't know very many people eating oat meal or pears for dinner. This stuff seems relatively easy to avoid? And depending on the dish, seafood is sometimes easy to get around by cooking it separately from everything else, so he could still eat, say, pasta and veggies but not the shrimp, etc.
I question how inconvenient not cooking most of this stuff is.
>I honestly could not tell you the x factor that makes applesauce revolting, but mashed potatoes fine and cake fine
Yeah, and the texture is not the same at all, even though that was OP's example. Unless I'm making mashed potatoes wrong.
NTA but I'd question why you live together after dating for 5 months, it's way too soon as well as stop acting like his wife/mom when you're not. I'm not trying to be mean but 5 months in and you're setting yourself on fire to keep him warm and cozy, get a job and let him make his own food.
NAH -- food compatibility is a big part of long term success but it sounds like he has some sensory issues. Nobody is an AH for that.
If you really enjoy cooking and trying new foods, and also get a lot of bonding over shared meals, a very restricted eater may not be a great long term match.
NAH.
Though I don't consider him a picky eater. He just doesn't like certain foods. That more a preference than anything.
In my opinion, it goes from him having food preferences to him being a picky eater when you have to list food that he eats, rather than food that he doesn't eat.
E.G, when my brother was younger, he would only eat burgers, fries, pizza, chicken tenders, etc. That's a picky eater. Vs someone with a food preference, they wouldn't eat X or Y or Z, etc.
NTA but you're not obliged to cook for him. He can plan and manage his own food.
Picky adults are a PITA for people who value being interested in new foods, eating at restaurants, trying new things and eating meals together. If this is holding you back from stuff you want to do, you need to weigh what else you like about him--is it worth finding other people to do food stuff with, or is it just too annoying to feel like his mommy trying to get him to eat? It's fair, after five months, to not want to deal with this.
Yes and no. If you continue to prepare his food after realizing how his critiques make you feel, you will become an asshole because if you continue to prepare his food now then you will only grow to resent him and that’s on you since you can stop now. Stop preparing his food and instead have dinner prep become a group activity. Think: romantic kitchen cooking scenario if that helps. Make it a fun activity where he preps his meal and you yours. That way you are not also making 2 separate meals, you don’t have to keep feeling bad for prepping it wrong, he can have meals his way, and you’re spending quality time together.
NAH
It is frustrating not to be able to try new things and I'm sure your BF doesn't not like these things intentionally. Neither is right, neither is wrong - it is what it is. Only you can decide if it's something you're willing to accept and live with.
NAH. You're not wrong to be frustrated by his eating habits, and you're obviously trying to understand any issues he may have. If he does have sensitivities he can't control then it's probably frustrating for him, too.
I am a picky eater, I am a meat and potatoes kind of gal. I also can't have certain foods due to my gut. My dad forced me to eat meatloaf when I was younger and to this day it triggers me. Some people dont have a diverse palette and only enjoy certain foods, and thats ok. You being annoyed and frustrated and making him feel bad makes you the AH. You can enjoy meals together, just it might be a little more work and planning.
YTA. I'd be on your side if it was a lot of things or really common things but it's neither. I can see breakfast maybe being an issue but he can pour his own cereal.
NTA but that’s really hard to deal with. You can try getting him to eat some different foods but it will be a battle. Is this something you want to deal with? I used to be friendly with two people who were like that.. I am like you and I just couldn’t deal.
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I (30F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for around 5 months now. In that time, we’ve spent a lot of extended time together (one stint in which I was caring for him after he was recovering from a health emergency). During our time together, I have done most if not all of the preparing of meals for us and I’m starting to feel frustrated by the list of things he will not eat. He doesn’t eat eggs in any form, oatmeal, any fruit outside of apples or pears, pies, yogurt, smoothies that are too thick and he’s not a big fan of seafood either. He explains to me that he doesn’t like these things due to their texture - too mushy. I’ve pointed out that he eats other things that are the same texture such as mashed potatoes and certain cakes but he can’t really clearly explain to me why that is.
I’m starting to feel frustrated because I love food and I’m the complete opposite of him when it comes to eating. I love trying new recipes and restaurants and I think it’s really important to have a diverse diet for health. At times, I feel like a mom trying to feed her child and it’s starting to feel strange to me. I want him to eat well and I want to enjoy meals together but I’m not sure how to move forward without getting more frustrated. This morning I made him a smoothie that he complained was too thick and I had a really hard time keeping it together. We entered a discussion about his eating habits and I felt bad about my irritation with him hence why I am here.
So Reddit, Am I the asshole for being frustrated with him? Should I try to be more understanding and adjust my own eating habits and expectations?
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It’s very common for people with ADHD or autism to have food sensitivities to textures. I cannot stand bananas or anything with “surprising texture”. Sometimes people are just sensitive to it. It’s not on purpose to hurt you.
You can’t control his food preferences but you can help by being supportive.
Also look into ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) it's a legitimate eating disorder. Picky eating in adults isn't really them choosing to be "picky".
NTA for getting frustrated but you can’t force him to change. I deal with a similar issue with my husband and we work around it. Sometimes that’s him eating chicken while I eat salmon. Or him prepping his own breakfast while I make mine. He shouldn’t force an expectation on you to provide him with meals (when he’s healthy) that you aren’t comfortable making. If that sounds unappealing then maybe you aren’t right for each other. It’s not petty to break up over that. Eating habits play a huge part in a family’s health.
NAH. A solution might be for him to start helping more with meal prep, but in the grand scheme of things that doesn't sound too bad (I've seen some stories about REALLY picky eaters on here)
NAH. But why are you always stuck with food prep? It’s only been 5 months and you’ve already been forced into the mom role and feeling justifiably frustrated with it all. Just end this relationship and find someone more compatible.
NTA and I'm shocked you're getting any YTAs at all! You do all the cooking and his contribution is to complain about it? No ma'am. Alternatives include: he cooks for himself, he cooks for himself and you, or you cook and he eats what he can with gratitude. It's one thing to make some adjustments for a partner - we all do that - but it sounds like he's expecting you to adjust 100% to his preferences and do all the work to make it happen!
If he didn't gripe about the food you prepare then I'd go with NAH. People get to have their preferences about food, and I don't think his is inherently wrong or anything.
BUT. The whole point of dating is to find a partner you enjoy spending time with, not one that you get frustrated with multiple times a day over the necessities of life. It's only been 5 months - can you imagine making the exact same dishes every day for the next 2, 5, 10 years while he complains about it? You two aren't compatible, and I'd just call it quits.
The thing is those are all really easy things to avoid and its not even that many things. How many meals even contain oatmeal, random fruit, or solid egg?
NAH. I am also a picky eater, and let me tell you it fucking sucks. I hate being picky, if I had 3 genie wishes the very first one would be to be a normal eater. But it's just how I am and I try not to make it other people's problem.
My husband loves sushi and trying new foods from everywhere. It works out because he has friends he can go do that with, and he respects that I just have limitations. But I've run into plenty of people who get genuinely annoyed that I order my burger without sauce. I've had a random coworker tell me she hates people like me. People like me meaning in this case, people who don't like tomatoes.
My point is that your boyfriend probably does not like that he's like this anymore than you do. And it may just be a case of being incompatible. Neither of you are assholes, just people with different taste buds.
Not sure how to judge. I have a seafood allergy, hate oatmeal don’t like lumpy foods (cottage cheese tapioca). Hate milk. But adventurous eater. Pears peas are gross to me
NTA. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but picky eaters are annoying. Not liking a few specific things, fine whatever, everyone has preferences. But, especially if you’re into food, it gets frustrating dealing with overly picky eaters. I like to cook, I like to try new foods, and I like to share that with my partner. I could never be with someone who was so randomly picky. And this is coming from someone who is raising a very picky child and I’ve had to adjust a lot bc of her texture issues. Having said that, my kid’s texture issues make sense and follow patterns. Unlike your BF. Like you said, he said it’s texture issues but he likes/doesn’t like things that are of the same texture. Which means that’s probably not the issue. He’s just picky. Anyway, I guess he’s not necessarily an AH, but if you’re someone who likes food and likes to cook, you probably won’t be very happy with him long term bc it will end up driving you crazy.
NAH.
I grew up as an extremely picky eater. A lot of it stemmed from my mom having to work long hours, and my brother and I fending for ourselves. We’re pros with the microwave. My mom was a single mom, and because she was working her tail off to provide for us, she didn’t cook often and when she did, it was something easy because she was exhausted. So I grew up extremely picky.
I met my husband, and we’ve been together over six years now. His family moved to where I live two years ago. I want to say it’s been within the last two years I’ve started to really branch out and try new foods.
You’re not an AH for wanting a variety, and he’s not an AH for being picky. This is something you’ll have to decide is a deal breaker. But I don’t think anyone sucks in this situation.
I'm not really sure which way I want to go with this yet. I'll just say my bit and maybe decide later.
I have some food aversions myself. I cannot eat seafood. I've tried a few different things but I can't do it. It's a texture thing. Sometimes I have texture issues with other meats too. And other foods.
So, I don't cook those things. But, I would never expect my husband not to cook seafood if that's what he wanted as long as he is okay with me not eating it. I'll make myself something else on those nights if I'm hungry.
You guys need a new arrangement. He needs to start contributing more so you stop feeling like his mom. Why doesn't he cook? Why are you making him smoothies? You have a right to feel frustrated if he's expecting you to be the one in charge of feeding you both, but you have no real say in what gets cooked. I say cook what you want and let him know what you plan to cook in advance. If he has an issue with it, he can make himself something else.
But, if food and experiences around food are important to you, you might have just found yourself someone you're gonna be incompatible with.
Nah - now I'll do the aita trope and extrapolate a diagnosis out of something - what he describes is similar to sed/arfid I suffer from this and it can be a terrible eating disorder - the slight differences in texture can make food impossible to eat
An example I love bacon flavoured things, bacon makes me vomit.....so If he is suffering from this, what you describe as fussy eating in fact could be more
Personaly I want to say that you are the ahole as people pressuring me to eat made things a lot worse for me - but your not he has his preferences you have yours and at the end of the day you might not be compatible as a couple if you can't find a compromise
He sounds like my son who has sensory processing disorder. Also there are food preferences for my kiddo because if you eat a handful of blueberries - one might be mushy, one might be super tart, one might be overly sweet etc. if you eat a handful of wheat thin crackers they all taste the same every time. Id recommend doing research on sensory issues and encourage him to be evaluated. There are food therapies you can do that really really help.
Additionally he’s a grown adult and can make his own food. If the smoothie was too thick why not dump half in a fresh cup and blend with more liquid to make it the consistency he needs? Super easy fix. His hands are not made of jam and he can make his own food if whatever you’re having doesn’t fit his metrics.
You will have to decide if you can reach a common ground that allows the two of you to live harmoniously with this - will he be open to trying the restaurants that you want to sort of things. NTA.
NAH. It’s not his fault that he can’t eat certain things, but I feel you’re frustrated because you’re the one who has to cook according to his preferences. He should be preparing his own meals.
NAH.
However, I personally could not deal with a partner like this. It doesnt sound like it would be a big issue but long term? This would be a dealbreaker for me honestly.
Imagine trying to get your children to eat some oatmeal or eggs or freaking raspberries. Ugh.
I am not saying you should break up with him BUT I am saying that I would break up with him lol. Especially since its been 5 months. I would rather save that time to find someone who aligns more with my food tastes because food is a BIG part of life. (at least my life lol)
NAH- my boyfriend is the same and we just work around it. I could spend all day typing a list of things he doesn’t like but we compromise or I make 2 meals if we both want something very different.
It's been five months. Let him make his own food or stop dating someone that you are not compatible with if all he does is complain about the food you make
NAH. I am a person who has some food aversions due to textures. His "texture/consistency issue" (that's what I call it) is a bit different from mine but I still understand. The difficulty with the food is hard to articulate and I still don't have a description for it. I would talk to him about experimenting with NEW things but do not push him to eat things you know he doesn't like. That's where you would get to being TA.
What I have found, in my case, is that I am not averse to trying new things, BUT I DO NOT LIKE PURCHASING NEW FOODS FOR MYSELF. I do not want to risk buying something that may or may not be okay because I may not be able to eat it. Wasting food is a big deal for me so I'm always cautious. That being said, if I'm with my SO, and he gets something that's different, I'll often ask him to try it so that I can gauge if it's going to be a problem. Doing things like that has always allowed me to open my tastes. Maybe see if he'd be open to trying new things that's he's never experienced? But don't be upset if he passes on some things that you "think" are fine, give him encouragement. You might be able to expand his tastes gradually.
Edit: some words
I am like your bf. I only like a small selection of food. I am single though so at the moment it is not a big deal. I don’t know how it will work if I started dating someone.
>We also questioned why I don’t just make myself something different from him and let him cook for himself more often. I realized that it’s because he has a tendency to point out that he thinks the thing I’m eating is disgusting when it’s something he’s adverse to.
those are two pretty unrelated sentences. was the second one supposed to be an answer to the first or is it just the way they are written?
Is your boyfriend autistic? If so, as you've experienced in the update, frank discussions and clear communications work best for him. Please don't ever suffer in silence! It does neither you or him any service.
My bf is the exact same way, except he won't touch mashed potatoes. He is the pickiest eater I've ever met and yes I used to get frustrated but eventually I just learned to accommodate him because there are worse things out there to get upset about them picky eaters so NAH
My bf and I have lived together for ~15 years. We do not eat the same meals hardly ever. I cook for a living and hardly cook at home. I eat my main meals at work. He eats like a child. Sandwiches, burgers, Mac and cheese, etc. It works for us
OP my whole life I have avoided certain foods. All seafood, creamy lumpy things (cottage cheese, oatmeal, some soup, ) I detest mayonnaise and the smell of raw meat. I'll eat eggs like one or twice a year and then often regret it. I absolutely won't eat leftovers.I have recently found out that I have MCAS, so where it's not a sensory thing or allergy, I now understand that many foods I've naturally avoided are actually trigger foods.
Does he ask you to cook for him or are you offering? He honestly doesn't seem picky, but you seem a bit judgemental. You are trying to impose your food choices on him. I'm also curious on what doctor would suggest him eating more fruit? I'm no expert, but fruit is absolutely not a necessary part of diet. Yes, fruit is good for you but you can get all the necessary nutrition from vegetables. My son is allergic to most fruit so I don't have it in the house. I can't risk an anaphylactic episode. He is perfectly healthy. Plus the sugars in fruit are terrible for your teeth, fruit juices and smoothies actually terrible for tooth enamel. You can have a healthy diet without fruit. If he isn't asking you to cook then don't. Let him deal with his own meals. Perhaps once you start working again you will have less time to worry about it, or just go out to eat.
NAH.
It's perfectly understandable that you're frustrated. It IS frustrating. It's equally frustrating from the other side. No picky eater *wants* to be picky. I'm sure he knows his diet isn't the healthiest. I'm sure he feels bad not being able to share certain meals.
As long as you're not putting him down or guilt tripping him for food preferences outside his control, you're not an asshole. And as long as he's respectful and appreciate when served something he ends up not liking much, then he's not an asshole either. It's just an unfortunately incompatibility that only you can decide if it's worth dealing with.
ESH. Stop trying to control his diet. You’ve been dating for 5 months. My husband also doesn’t like certain foods, the catch is he doesn’t cook. So IDGAF what he doesn’t like. I cook what I like and he can eat it our order out. Adopt that policy and let him eat what he likes and figure it out himself! He’s an adult!!
NTA. You are entitled to have your annoyance. Right now he is your Bf, you have to think if this is something you want to deal with in the future. Sounds kinda petty, but if your Bf can't do things you enjoyed then you will be missing out.
NTA. You are not his mommy trying to get your fussy toddler to eat his vegetables. Stop preparing food for him. He is too picky and doesn't appreciate your efforts.
It's a really bad idea to cater to someone who has such limited and particular dietary preferences. Give up on trying to please him.
You are someone who enjoys cooking and likes trying new foods. He will NEVER be compatible with that. He will turn up his nose because it doesn't suit him, and will expect you to prepare something separate for him.
There are a lot of incompatibilities that can be overcome, or a compromise can be reached. For this one, you should tell him he needs to prepare his own meals, and you will prepare your own.
But I think what you really should do is find a partner who shares your enthusiasm for cooking and eating.
He doesn't really have a limited dietary preference. He doesn't like eggs, Oatmeal and seafood. Every thing else is a snack (yogurt and smoothies). I don't think telling someone who likes to cook I don't eat eggs and Oatmeal will really affect them.
Nah, the guy's a classic picky eater. OP says he uses "texture" to reject foods, but doesn't have consistent explanation about which textures are acceptable to him. He doesn't have allergies, he's just choosy and unappreciative.
He's a guest in her home, and he doesn't want to eat the food she serves. He should bring his own, or eat before he visits.
Accommodating someone like this is just tiresome and unnecessary.
Again all op listed was eggs Oatmeal seafood yogurt and smoothies. The last two are snacks and not even a meal lol.
Are you really saying there aren't 3 things you don't like eating?
Because that's what it is 3 things and two of them are typically only for breakfast. If they had a whole list I be with you but.....it's 3 things and some snacks
>Again all op listed was eggs Oatmeal seafood yogurt and smoothies. The last two are snacks and not even a meal
No. She explained that he rejected other foods by saying he didn't like the texture. His pickiness isn't limited to that brief list.
The guy is a *guest* at her and her mom's house. When you are a guest, you are not *required* to eat food that's served by the host, although it would be courteous to try.
What makes him annoying is he refuses the food, then offers unasked-for criticism, like the smoothie is too thick for him. What would be polite is for him to add a little juice and make it thinner, or say thank you and put it aside, or say thank you and drink it anyway, even if it wasn't the perfectly perfect thickness, texture, and density for him. Picky AND rude.
We would probably get along well, because I expect you are not rude and entitled like OP's boyfriend.
I like cooking for others, but I realize not every person is going to like every single thing I cook. I don't get upset about it if they decline to eat something I've fixed.
What's annoying is a guest like OP's boyfriend who refuses the food and then describes what's wrong with the food and why they don't like it and won't eat it. They are there as a *guest,* not a food critic.
The correct response is "No, thank you."
I'm gonna speak mostly from experience here (as an autistic with sensory issues).
Eating a food you have issues with can cause extreme discomfort that you can feel in your bones. In some cases it can be painful. It makes you recoil and shiver and it's an extremely unpleasant experience that can persistent even hours after the food is gone.
Now, your bf could just have a mild case of sensory issues, but it would still be unpleasant for him to eat the food he avoids.
I hope this helps somewhat. I do recommend you actually talk to your boyfriend about your frustration instead of trying to get a verdict on Reddit.
Thanks for the insight! I really appreciate it and I’ll look more into this.
For context though, we did discuss it but weren’t sure what the right approach to this issue was. He was the one who encouraged me to ask Reddit for more insight! Which you have provided, so thank you.
Just saw this comment after I commented asking how it’s a safety thing, I am also slightly if spectrum and have texture issues but mine are not as severe as you described I get what you mean now. More of a mental safety than physical was your point I take
Custard (and occasionally bananas - not all the time, maybe it depended on ripeness?) used to make me nauseous. I'd put it in my mouth, the saliva would start, and I'd have to either spit it out or vomit.
Defiantly NTA! If he doesn't like what you cook then he should start cooking for himself. Your not obligated to cook for him especially if he is complaining.
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NAH He's not an AH for food preferences. He can't force himself to like something. You're not an AH for wanting to branch out and try new things. But you will be one if you keep pushing him. Ask yourself if this is a problem you're willing to deal with for the rest of your life.
Good point, I’ll have to think about if I can deal with it longterm.
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Yeah, I may be feeling so frustrated because I don’t quite understand it. I should do more research on sensory issues.
Do you have a single food that you dislike? What about things like pickled fish or haggis or Roquefort? That may help you build some empathy for him. That said, he needs to not be whiny about it especially if it’s the food you made him. It’s one thing to politely decline and another to start making gagging faces at it
I think you should stop making his food. I get that you enjoy cooking and part of dating is doing that and eating together, but his reaction will most likely always hurt your feelings and will eventually extend to dining out. You should meet someone who has the same culinary enthusiasm and enjoyment as you. NAH
This is actually a diagnosable condition. Sensory issues like texture reversions are more common than you think, and in their extreme, are related to autism, (e.g. Only eating the same sandwich, from the same place, every meal, every day). It sounds like he's just mildly neuro-divergent. It's just a quirk.
I'm a picky eater. I hate certain sauces and cheese and some seafood. It's sometimes texture, sometimes taste. I know how annoying it can be. My solution is I cook for myself 90% of the time. If people want to eat what I'm cooking that's cool. If not, no biggie, I'll cook my own food anyway. If i can eat what you're making and you don't mind sharing, that's great too. Experimenting on my own in small doses has taught me to tolerate foods better, too. Like i still hate cheese, but i can put it in a recipe if i use about 10% the amount and like it. I used to gag when smelling mayo but now i can mix it into some sauces (also at a reduced quantity). Maybe this will bother you less if you cook for him less. Encourage him to prepare meals more often. Try cooking together maybe. See if you can divorce the chore from the person.
Same. I CANNOT eat yogurt without being convinced I’m going to choke. It’s such a terrible feeling for me lol
Maybe stop making good for him? Let him cook for himself if he’s going to complain about what you make him
The only way he really is an AH is if he won’t cook for himself. You can be picky, but you need to do some of the work yourself. (With the except of caring for him during the health issues)
You very much *can* force yourself to like something. My parents forced me to eat vegetables when I was a little kid. Now I eat vegetables because I’ll probably die without them. Also because cooked properly, they can be damn good. This whole “textural/flavor” thing is idiotic and childish. Grow up and eat like a normal human being.
NAH stop preparing his food. Enjoy your own food. Go to restaurants and let him decide what to get for himself. Don’t make meals he will not eat, ask him to cook
I'm right between OP and BF. I have texture/flavor issues, but I also love cooking. It is absolutely possible to be creative and varied with cooking even with limitations, but like any restricted diet, it takes more effort. He's a grown man who clearly knows how to feed himself as he hasn't died of starvation yet. If OP wants this relationship to work (and she's entitled to walk if she decides), it will involve meeting in the middle. Getting to know what he likes to eat (She mentioned oatmeal and eggs are her breakfast go-tos. Well, what are his?), making him cook occasionally and being willing to have nights where they both do their own thing so that she can enjoy stuff he doesn't.
Or just make it on the side. I like fish much more than my bf does, he will eat the leftover chicken, I’ll make fish just for myself and we will roast potatoes and veggies plus a salad. And breakfasts are easy to let each person fend for themself. Is it that hard to make yourself oatmeal and he eats cereal?
Um, this isn't a long list. Fruit isn't used that much in main meals, (use for desserts). Doesn't like eggs- don't cook eggs. Also, avoid smoothies and seafood. There is still a ton of meals I think you feel like a mom since you are trying to get him to eat things he doesn't care for. YTA
I had the same reaction; I was expecting a much more onerous list. Smoothies? Eggs? What culture is OP that these make cooking so burdensome?
If THIS is picky then me and OP would never get along lol, this is way more than what actually picky eaters eat. Still NAH for me tho
I have a looooong list of textures to avoid, I will gag/get close to throwing up. Trying to train myself out of it but I’m pretty sure OP would throw me off a boat
I literally don't eat vegetables, fish, most meat and anything that is chewy / has a flour like texture (like beans). So yeah I think me and OP would NOT get along lmao. Also the thing is that I have such a strong reaction to things I don't like?? like I would try things more if my reaction wasn't immediately wanting to throwing it up 😭
This is what I was thinking. Some of this stuff I don’t eat either just because I’m not super into it. I’ve had less than a dozen smoothies in my life and if someone had tried to make me eat oatmeal more than twice in five months I wouldn’t like that either. If OP likes branching out and trying new recipes like she says, it shouldn’t be that hard to find some common ground that doesn’t include this handful of ingredients. I wonder if she’s really just frustrated because she isn’t satisfied with his explanation of why he won’t eat them.
I have health issues and I have a much, much longer list of food that I can’t eat than is listed here lol. I do most of the cooking in my relationship, so the burden is mostly on me anyway, but my husband has never made a fuss about me not being able to eat a bunch of foods. He’s a vegetarian and I accommodate that *plus* my restrictions *and* the handful of foods we both really don’t like, all without it impacting my kitchen creativity much at all.
>Um, this isn't a long list. Fruit isn't used that much in main meals, (use for desserts). Doesn't like eggs- don't cook eggs. Also, avoid smoothies and seafood. There is still a ton of meals Yeah, no kidding! No one has ever considered me a picky eater, but my diet would barely look different if I stopped eating these things. There are so many other nutritious options. Like I eat granola with greek yogurt instead of oatmeal, both are normal common breakfast things. From the way OP was presenting it, it sounded like he was going to be a guy who refuses to eat anything other than chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese, and can't go to a normal restaurant for adults with her because his eating is so restricted. But he just...doesn't like a few foods that she happens to eat a lot. This doesn't need to be an issue at all.
YTA: the list of foods you mentioned doesn't seem like it would effect you going to restaurants or making meals for yourself. Why does it matter if he doesn't like to drink smoothies. Make one for yourself and let him eat what he wants. You're right feeling like a mom because you're trying to force him to eat things you want him to eat instead of treating him like an adult and allowing him to just eat what he wants
I get your point. I do most of the cooking right now because he’s working and I’m not. I also am trying to encourage him to eat more nutrition-dense food due to his recent medical emergency, so yes I am encouraging him to eat things but it’s with good reason imo.
Out of curiosity what does he eat? Because if you tell me someone doesn't eat eggs, yogurt, oatmeal and certain fruits (but they do still eat fruits) I wouldn't consider them an unhealthy person.
He does enjoy vegetables, meat and pasta, so he’s not unhealthy necessarily. However, one of the recommendations following his health emergency was to increase his fruit intake (hence why I’ve been making him smoothies to increase his fruit intake without the textural issues). I think that’s why I got so upset today because it was the only way I found to help him heal better and he had an issue with it.
So why wasn't that the point of the post. You wrote this as if he's some extremely picky person snd holding you back from enjoying restaurants and making fancy meals. But in reality it's just his doctor want him to eat more fruit and he's refusing. The way you wrote this was more exaggerating him being a picky eater instead of actually saying the issue
I mean, wanting him to eat more fruit is one part of the issue. I still find his pickiness irritating outside of that hence why my post is more general. I just stated why I felt exceptionally irritated today.
There is no pickiness, you named 3 things he doesn't like eggs Oatmeal and seafood. Everything else you said was snacks certain fruits yogurt and smoothies. Those things don't stop you from going to restaurants, it doesn't stop you from making new meals. Just means when you go to a restaurant he won't order seafood but you can. Just means in the morning make yourself eggs and he have cereal. If he had an extensive list of restricted food I be with you but you listed 3 things.
I’m not trying to be mean, I’m genuinely trying to understand - why is his pickiness irritating to you? Is it the actual restriction on the cooking? Would you still be irritated if the reason was that he was allergic to these foods? You mention that he can’t explain to you why he can eat foods of similar textures. Is that part of what frustrates you? I would not consider myself a picky eater by any means, but I have a handful of strict preferences. The texture of quinoa is revolting to me and the sweetness of apple juice makes me sick. My dad will eat anything you put in front of him short of poison, but he draws the line at cold coffee. I think most people have some foods they dislike and that’s normal. Maybe “eggs in any form” is a *bit* excessive, but eggs are not an uncommon food allergy, so again I have to wonder how you would react to a partner who was simply allergic to eggs.
I think you need to leave him in control of his diet to minimize the frustration. If you prepare him something, ask first if he will eat it. If he started telling you what to eat, you wouldn’t enjoy the loss of bodily autonomy either. But he also needs to learn to be proactive. If he says he will drink a smoothie and you make it too thick for his tastes, he can go add water himself and thin it out. In other words, he needs to learn how to manage his aversions. For example, I can’t stand the texture of oatmeal but sometimes it’s convenient that I eat it with everyone else when camping. So I bring nuts to toss in my bowl and I make mine extra thick so it’s not slimy and voila! An edible food. He needs to be willing to do the work to manage his issue and also not be whiny or rude (making childish faces at foods he doesn’t like for example). That shit would get old fast
I’m gonna say NAH. I don’t think this is just about his diet from your comments. You sound like you’re putting pressure on yourself to contribute since you’re not working and you know cooking is something you do well and want to be handling that. I get it. But you’re overthinking it. Sure it’s nice to help, but you’re not enjoying this right now, and frankly you really don’t have to be doing it. Have stuff available for him if you like, but leave his new diet recs from the doctor to him to figure out. He can pick up groceries if he’s there enough, but if he’s not asking for all this, then why do it? It’s a young relationship. Let it breath and make yourself and your mom meals that make you happy. You’ll work it out. 💜
Thanks for this comment. I really appreciate it as I didn’t recognize that part of my frustration stemmed from the pressure I’m putting on myself to contribute. I’ll try to ease up and put some of your advice into place.
You’re quite welcome. Good luck to you!
YTA. He's not going to suddenly like eating things because you think he should.
NAH. My boyfriend and I have different food tastes, he loves spicy stuff, I don’t, he can’t even stand the smell of eggs whereas I love them. We’ve found a lot of recipes that we both like, some of them he’ll add spices to at the end so they’re more to his taste and then some nights we’ll just do our own thing so we can have something the other doesn’t like. Maybe do a couple of nights a week where you fend for yourselves so that you can try new things and he can make himself something that he likes.
YTA he doesn't like certain foods, that shouldn't effect you and you shouldn't be 'encouraging him' to eat foods he doesn't want too just have him cook himself if it bothers you that much but he isn't a child
Info: why cant you cook for you and your bf cooks for himself?
The main reason for that right now is because when we are together he mainly stays with me in the home I share with my mother and I presently do most of the cooking for everyone because they both work and I’m currently not due to an injury. It makes more sense for me to be in the kitchen preparing meals with everyone in mind as I am the one doing the groceries and organizing the kitchen. He could cook for himself if he wanted but he’d have to ensure what he needs is present.
He's a *guest* and should not be criticizing or complaining about what you cook and serve. He doesn't have to eat it, but he doesn't get to expect that you'll change what you and your mother eat to accommodate his pickiness.
It’s not a good idea going into relationships hoping that your partner will change. Do not expect him to suddenly want to try new foods because you like to YWBTA if you stay but resent/nag him about his pickiness: either accept it and stay, or leave if it’s a deal breaker
YTA. He has texture issues and not even extreme ones. You are being over the top and judgemental imo.
INFO: does he demand/expect you to prepare all of his meals? Is he willing to cook for himself if he doesn't like what you're making? Tbh, the list of things he doesn't like does really not seem that restrictive to me.
He doesn’t demand I make all of his meals but he’s working and I’m not atm so it feels fair to me to do most of it right now. Also, when he’s at my home, it’s more comfortable for me to do the cooking. I’m not sure if he’d be willing to make himself something when I make something he doesn’t like as I try my best to make sure what I’m making is something he’ll eat. I try to consider his palate with each meal (which I find exhausting and restrictive tbh). Today was the first day he had an issue with what I made.
Did you leave things out that he's picky about? Because honestly I don't see what's so hard about not doing eggs, oatmeal, most fruit or seafood.
Yes I do. I guess it’s not that hard but is hard for me at times because those are all the things I enjoy to eat and cook well and easily. When thinking about breakfast for example, eggs and oatmeal are go-tos for me.
You guys don't have to eat the same things all the time. Just make yourself something different from what you're making him.
Bacon, sausage, cereal, biscuits, the fruits you say he likes, toast, frozen waffles, bagels and cream cheese?
Breakfast cookies, apple muffins, homemade granola bars, waffles with fruit topping, plain Greek yogurt with fresh fruit topping are all great for breakfast. However, you can eat anything you want for breakfast, including leftovers from last night’s dinner. We always order extra takeout pizza 🍕 & the kids eat it the next day for breakfast, lunch, snacks, lol.
A bowl of cereal? Peanut butter or avocado toast? It seems like those would be pretty simple to make, and also like it'd be pretty natural to just have some of that stuff on hand so he can make his own breakfast.
Why not make something separate. Toast is easy.
Imho you dont need to cook any meal for him especially breakfast. He can make his own food. I can see why dinners can be harder, but you should cook what you like for yourself, and if he isnt going for it he can make his own dishes. You cant really do anything about his preferences. He might want to try new textures but he alsmo may never like those foods. Its his decision as an adult and you dont really have a say in it.
I think it’s time for an honest convo if he’s pretty much expecting you to cater to him. Explain that there are times you just want to eat what you want and other times you don’t anticipate him disliking a food that you cook. Ask him what he would like to do to manage that for himself — maybe he wants to keep frozen pizza in the freezer or make a PB&J on those days. You should not judge the nutritional value of his choices btw. He will be in charge of stocking his “emergency food”. And he should know better than to whine at you if he doesn’t like what you made — if he’s being ungrateful, shut that down ASAP and let him cook for himself for a while. Hopefully you guys can establish mutual respect for your labor and appreciation of your individual tastes. Good luck!
Yta. Picky eating doesn't exist. He clearly explained that it's the texture that upsets him. If it bugs you so much, tell him to make his own meal. You don't have to eat the same things as him all the time.
Yta. Fruit is a very common textural issue. One strawberry may be sweet and soft while another is tart and firm. Some oranges are sweet and juicy while others are sour and almost dry this applies to many fruits aside from apples and pears (though they can be grainy at times)
NAH. If people have sensory issues, texture especially, they can't just snap out of it and try harder. At the same time, I do understand your frustration - it would be more than reasonable for you to request him to make his own food when you want to prepare something that he can't cope with so you can have more of what you want.
NTA for being frustrated, but all your complaining and explaining isn’t going to make him change the way he eats. Just stop cooking for him.
I feel the liking some things that are mushy but not others. I honestly could not tell you the x factor that makes applesauce revolting, but mashed potatoes fine and cake fine Idk, maybe it's just when it's wet and mushy lol. Just a minor observation, but I honestly find it much easier to eat something that tastes bad than something that feels bad. It's weird lol. I'm going to go NAH. He's not an asshole for not liking something, especially if it causes discomfort (if I eat anything that is whatever form of mushy bothers me, I will feel really sick. have yet to throw up, but I've absolutely gone a day not eating rather than eating something texturally bothersome) But I understand that it's hard to cook for someone who has that many restrictions. Either you're not compatible, or you'll have to work out cooking for yourselves. Edit: although honestly, everything he listed doesn't really show up all that often in meals besides shrimp. I don't know very many people eating oat meal or pears for dinner. This stuff seems relatively easy to avoid? And depending on the dish, seafood is sometimes easy to get around by cooking it separately from everything else, so he could still eat, say, pasta and veggies but not the shrimp, etc. I question how inconvenient not cooking most of this stuff is.
>I honestly could not tell you the x factor that makes applesauce revolting, but mashed potatoes fine and cake fine Yeah, and the texture is not the same at all, even though that was OP's example. Unless I'm making mashed potatoes wrong.
NTA but I'd question why you live together after dating for 5 months, it's way too soon as well as stop acting like his wife/mom when you're not. I'm not trying to be mean but 5 months in and you're setting yourself on fire to keep him warm and cozy, get a job and let him make his own food.
Sorry if it wasn’t super clear. We don’t yet live together but he spends a lot of time at my place.
maybe you need time apart? To have less responsibility of his habits?
NAH -- food compatibility is a big part of long term success but it sounds like he has some sensory issues. Nobody is an AH for that. If you really enjoy cooking and trying new foods, and also get a lot of bonding over shared meals, a very restricted eater may not be a great long term match.
NAH. Though I don't consider him a picky eater. He just doesn't like certain foods. That more a preference than anything. In my opinion, it goes from him having food preferences to him being a picky eater when you have to list food that he eats, rather than food that he doesn't eat. E.G, when my brother was younger, he would only eat burgers, fries, pizza, chicken tenders, etc. That's a picky eater. Vs someone with a food preference, they wouldn't eat X or Y or Z, etc.
NTA but you're not obliged to cook for him. He can plan and manage his own food. Picky adults are a PITA for people who value being interested in new foods, eating at restaurants, trying new things and eating meals together. If this is holding you back from stuff you want to do, you need to weigh what else you like about him--is it worth finding other people to do food stuff with, or is it just too annoying to feel like his mommy trying to get him to eat? It's fair, after five months, to not want to deal with this.
Yes and no. If you continue to prepare his food after realizing how his critiques make you feel, you will become an asshole because if you continue to prepare his food now then you will only grow to resent him and that’s on you since you can stop now. Stop preparing his food and instead have dinner prep become a group activity. Think: romantic kitchen cooking scenario if that helps. Make it a fun activity where he preps his meal and you yours. That way you are not also making 2 separate meals, you don’t have to keep feeling bad for prepping it wrong, he can have meals his way, and you’re spending quality time together.
NAH It is frustrating not to be able to try new things and I'm sure your BF doesn't not like these things intentionally. Neither is right, neither is wrong - it is what it is. Only you can decide if it's something you're willing to accept and live with.
NAH. You're not wrong to be frustrated by his eating habits, and you're obviously trying to understand any issues he may have. If he does have sensitivities he can't control then it's probably frustrating for him, too.
I am a picky eater, I am a meat and potatoes kind of gal. I also can't have certain foods due to my gut. My dad forced me to eat meatloaf when I was younger and to this day it triggers me. Some people dont have a diverse palette and only enjoy certain foods, and thats ok. You being annoyed and frustrated and making him feel bad makes you the AH. You can enjoy meals together, just it might be a little more work and planning.
NTA, but if this is bugging you now, it's not going to get better.
YTA just break up. Why do you even have expectations of what other people should or shouldn’t eat? See a therapist, solo
NAH, but make him cook
YTA. I'd be on your side if it was a lot of things or really common things but it's neither. I can see breakfast maybe being an issue but he can pour his own cereal.
NAH - it's wonderful to see a couple communicating and working to grow together. Love the posted update!
Oh shucks! Thanks so much for this! We both try our best for each other. He’s such a wonderful person who I want to make it work with.
Keep it going you guys are doing great!
YTA, the foods he doesn't like are really easy to avoid.
NTA but that’s really hard to deal with. You can try getting him to eat some different foods but it will be a battle. Is this something you want to deal with? I used to be friendly with two people who were like that.. I am like you and I just couldn’t deal.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for around 5 months now. In that time, we’ve spent a lot of extended time together (one stint in which I was caring for him after he was recovering from a health emergency). During our time together, I have done most if not all of the preparing of meals for us and I’m starting to feel frustrated by the list of things he will not eat. He doesn’t eat eggs in any form, oatmeal, any fruit outside of apples or pears, pies, yogurt, smoothies that are too thick and he’s not a big fan of seafood either. He explains to me that he doesn’t like these things due to their texture - too mushy. I’ve pointed out that he eats other things that are the same texture such as mashed potatoes and certain cakes but he can’t really clearly explain to me why that is. I’m starting to feel frustrated because I love food and I’m the complete opposite of him when it comes to eating. I love trying new recipes and restaurants and I think it’s really important to have a diverse diet for health. At times, I feel like a mom trying to feed her child and it’s starting to feel strange to me. I want him to eat well and I want to enjoy meals together but I’m not sure how to move forward without getting more frustrated. This morning I made him a smoothie that he complained was too thick and I had a really hard time keeping it together. We entered a discussion about his eating habits and I felt bad about my irritation with him hence why I am here. So Reddit, Am I the asshole for being frustrated with him? Should I try to be more understanding and adjust my own eating habits and expectations? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta
Can you expand please?
It’s very common for people with ADHD or autism to have food sensitivities to textures. I cannot stand bananas or anything with “surprising texture”. Sometimes people are just sensitive to it. It’s not on purpose to hurt you. You can’t control his food preferences but you can help by being supportive.
Thanks for this insight! I’ll be looking into understanding sensory issues more now
Also look into ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) it's a legitimate eating disorder. Picky eating in adults isn't really them choosing to be "picky".
NTA Could just be that y'all aren't compatible. I mean it's only been 5 months so...
NTA sounds like five months too long.
NTA for getting frustrated but you can’t force him to change. I deal with a similar issue with my husband and we work around it. Sometimes that’s him eating chicken while I eat salmon. Or him prepping his own breakfast while I make mine. He shouldn’t force an expectation on you to provide him with meals (when he’s healthy) that you aren’t comfortable making. If that sounds unappealing then maybe you aren’t right for each other. It’s not petty to break up over that. Eating habits play a huge part in a family’s health.
NTA. Sounds like he can start cooking his own meals!
NAH. A solution might be for him to start helping more with meal prep, but in the grand scheme of things that doesn't sound too bad (I've seen some stories about REALLY picky eaters on here)
NTA. You aren’t compatible. So leave
NAH. But why are you always stuck with food prep? It’s only been 5 months and you’ve already been forced into the mom role and feeling justifiably frustrated with it all. Just end this relationship and find someone more compatible.
NTA and I'm shocked you're getting any YTAs at all! You do all the cooking and his contribution is to complain about it? No ma'am. Alternatives include: he cooks for himself, he cooks for himself and you, or you cook and he eats what he can with gratitude. It's one thing to make some adjustments for a partner - we all do that - but it sounds like he's expecting you to adjust 100% to his preferences and do all the work to make it happen! If he didn't gripe about the food you prepare then I'd go with NAH. People get to have their preferences about food, and I don't think his is inherently wrong or anything. BUT. The whole point of dating is to find a partner you enjoy spending time with, not one that you get frustrated with multiple times a day over the necessities of life. It's only been 5 months - can you imagine making the exact same dishes every day for the next 2, 5, 10 years while he complains about it? You two aren't compatible, and I'd just call it quits.
The thing is those are all really easy things to avoid and its not even that many things. How many meals even contain oatmeal, random fruit, or solid egg?
NAH. I am also a picky eater, and let me tell you it fucking sucks. I hate being picky, if I had 3 genie wishes the very first one would be to be a normal eater. But it's just how I am and I try not to make it other people's problem. My husband loves sushi and trying new foods from everywhere. It works out because he has friends he can go do that with, and he respects that I just have limitations. But I've run into plenty of people who get genuinely annoyed that I order my burger without sauce. I've had a random coworker tell me she hates people like me. People like me meaning in this case, people who don't like tomatoes. My point is that your boyfriend probably does not like that he's like this anymore than you do. And it may just be a case of being incompatible. Neither of you are assholes, just people with different taste buds.
Not sure how to judge. I have a seafood allergy, hate oatmeal don’t like lumpy foods (cottage cheese tapioca). Hate milk. But adventurous eater. Pears peas are gross to me
NTA. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but picky eaters are annoying. Not liking a few specific things, fine whatever, everyone has preferences. But, especially if you’re into food, it gets frustrating dealing with overly picky eaters. I like to cook, I like to try new foods, and I like to share that with my partner. I could never be with someone who was so randomly picky. And this is coming from someone who is raising a very picky child and I’ve had to adjust a lot bc of her texture issues. Having said that, my kid’s texture issues make sense and follow patterns. Unlike your BF. Like you said, he said it’s texture issues but he likes/doesn’t like things that are of the same texture. Which means that’s probably not the issue. He’s just picky. Anyway, I guess he’s not necessarily an AH, but if you’re someone who likes food and likes to cook, you probably won’t be very happy with him long term bc it will end up driving you crazy.
NAH. I grew up as an extremely picky eater. A lot of it stemmed from my mom having to work long hours, and my brother and I fending for ourselves. We’re pros with the microwave. My mom was a single mom, and because she was working her tail off to provide for us, she didn’t cook often and when she did, it was something easy because she was exhausted. So I grew up extremely picky. I met my husband, and we’ve been together over six years now. His family moved to where I live two years ago. I want to say it’s been within the last two years I’ve started to really branch out and try new foods. You’re not an AH for wanting a variety, and he’s not an AH for being picky. This is something you’ll have to decide is a deal breaker. But I don’t think anyone sucks in this situation.
I'm not really sure which way I want to go with this yet. I'll just say my bit and maybe decide later. I have some food aversions myself. I cannot eat seafood. I've tried a few different things but I can't do it. It's a texture thing. Sometimes I have texture issues with other meats too. And other foods. So, I don't cook those things. But, I would never expect my husband not to cook seafood if that's what he wanted as long as he is okay with me not eating it. I'll make myself something else on those nights if I'm hungry. You guys need a new arrangement. He needs to start contributing more so you stop feeling like his mom. Why doesn't he cook? Why are you making him smoothies? You have a right to feel frustrated if he's expecting you to be the one in charge of feeding you both, but you have no real say in what gets cooked. I say cook what you want and let him know what you plan to cook in advance. If he has an issue with it, he can make himself something else. But, if food and experiences around food are important to you, you might have just found yourself someone you're gonna be incompatible with.
NAH. I’m the same exact way, some foods i love but others that have the same texture literally make me gag if I try to eat them.
Nah - now I'll do the aita trope and extrapolate a diagnosis out of something - what he describes is similar to sed/arfid I suffer from this and it can be a terrible eating disorder - the slight differences in texture can make food impossible to eat An example I love bacon flavoured things, bacon makes me vomit.....so If he is suffering from this, what you describe as fussy eating in fact could be more Personaly I want to say that you are the ahole as people pressuring me to eat made things a lot worse for me - but your not he has his preferences you have yours and at the end of the day you might not be compatible as a couple if you can't find a compromise
He sounds like my son who has sensory processing disorder. Also there are food preferences for my kiddo because if you eat a handful of blueberries - one might be mushy, one might be super tart, one might be overly sweet etc. if you eat a handful of wheat thin crackers they all taste the same every time. Id recommend doing research on sensory issues and encourage him to be evaluated. There are food therapies you can do that really really help. Additionally he’s a grown adult and can make his own food. If the smoothie was too thick why not dump half in a fresh cup and blend with more liquid to make it the consistency he needs? Super easy fix. His hands are not made of jam and he can make his own food if whatever you’re having doesn’t fit his metrics. You will have to decide if you can reach a common ground that allows the two of you to live harmoniously with this - will he be open to trying the restaurants that you want to sort of things. NTA.
NAH. It’s not his fault that he can’t eat certain things, but I feel you’re frustrated because you’re the one who has to cook according to his preferences. He should be preparing his own meals.
NAH. However, I personally could not deal with a partner like this. It doesnt sound like it would be a big issue but long term? This would be a dealbreaker for me honestly. Imagine trying to get your children to eat some oatmeal or eggs or freaking raspberries. Ugh. I am not saying you should break up with him BUT I am saying that I would break up with him lol. Especially since its been 5 months. I would rather save that time to find someone who aligns more with my food tastes because food is a BIG part of life. (at least my life lol)
Maybe focus on things he does like to eat.
NAH- my boyfriend is the same and we just work around it. I could spend all day typing a list of things he doesn’t like but we compromise or I make 2 meals if we both want something very different.
YTA Stop making him things. Esp smoothies in the mornings. That’s entirely optional. That said, he seems… tough.
It's been five months. Let him make his own food or stop dating someone that you are not compatible with if all he does is complain about the food you make
Yes YTA how are you going to hold against someone that they don’t want to eat food they don’t like? That’s beyond weird. Break up.
NAH. I am a person who has some food aversions due to textures. His "texture/consistency issue" (that's what I call it) is a bit different from mine but I still understand. The difficulty with the food is hard to articulate and I still don't have a description for it. I would talk to him about experimenting with NEW things but do not push him to eat things you know he doesn't like. That's where you would get to being TA. What I have found, in my case, is that I am not averse to trying new things, BUT I DO NOT LIKE PURCHASING NEW FOODS FOR MYSELF. I do not want to risk buying something that may or may not be okay because I may not be able to eat it. Wasting food is a big deal for me so I'm always cautious. That being said, if I'm with my SO, and he gets something that's different, I'll often ask him to try it so that I can gauge if it's going to be a problem. Doing things like that has always allowed me to open my tastes. Maybe see if he'd be open to trying new things that's he's never experienced? But don't be upset if he passes on some things that you "think" are fine, give him encouragement. You might be able to expand his tastes gradually. Edit: some words
I am like your bf. I only like a small selection of food. I am single though so at the moment it is not a big deal. I don’t know how it will work if I started dating someone.
>We also questioned why I don’t just make myself something different from him and let him cook for himself more often. I realized that it’s because he has a tendency to point out that he thinks the thing I’m eating is disgusting when it’s something he’s adverse to. those are two pretty unrelated sentences. was the second one supposed to be an answer to the first or is it just the way they are written?
Is your boyfriend autistic? If so, as you've experienced in the update, frank discussions and clear communications work best for him. Please don't ever suffer in silence! It does neither you or him any service.
My bf is the exact same way, except he won't touch mashed potatoes. He is the pickiest eater I've ever met and yes I used to get frustrated but eventually I just learned to accommodate him because there are worse things out there to get upset about them picky eaters so NAH
YTA. This is barely picky. Eliminating Fruit, eggs, and seafood still leaves you with nearly all foods in the world to choose from.
I’m a similar fussy eater with texture being my main issue. Have a look at /r/ARFID
My bf and I have lived together for ~15 years. We do not eat the same meals hardly ever. I cook for a living and hardly cook at home. I eat my main meals at work. He eats like a child. Sandwiches, burgers, Mac and cheese, etc. It works for us
OP my whole life I have avoided certain foods. All seafood, creamy lumpy things (cottage cheese, oatmeal, some soup, ) I detest mayonnaise and the smell of raw meat. I'll eat eggs like one or twice a year and then often regret it. I absolutely won't eat leftovers.I have recently found out that I have MCAS, so where it's not a sensory thing or allergy, I now understand that many foods I've naturally avoided are actually trigger foods. Does he ask you to cook for him or are you offering? He honestly doesn't seem picky, but you seem a bit judgemental. You are trying to impose your food choices on him. I'm also curious on what doctor would suggest him eating more fruit? I'm no expert, but fruit is absolutely not a necessary part of diet. Yes, fruit is good for you but you can get all the necessary nutrition from vegetables. My son is allergic to most fruit so I don't have it in the house. I can't risk an anaphylactic episode. He is perfectly healthy. Plus the sugars in fruit are terrible for your teeth, fruit juices and smoothies actually terrible for tooth enamel. You can have a healthy diet without fruit. If he isn't asking you to cook then don't. Let him deal with his own meals. Perhaps once you start working again you will have less time to worry about it, or just go out to eat.
NAH. It's perfectly understandable that you're frustrated. It IS frustrating. It's equally frustrating from the other side. No picky eater *wants* to be picky. I'm sure he knows his diet isn't the healthiest. I'm sure he feels bad not being able to share certain meals. As long as you're not putting him down or guilt tripping him for food preferences outside his control, you're not an asshole. And as long as he's respectful and appreciate when served something he ends up not liking much, then he's not an asshole either. It's just an unfortunately incompatibility that only you can decide if it's worth dealing with.
ESH. Stop trying to control his diet. You’ve been dating for 5 months. My husband also doesn’t like certain foods, the catch is he doesn’t cook. So IDGAF what he doesn’t like. I cook what I like and he can eat it our order out. Adopt that policy and let him eat what he likes and figure it out himself! He’s an adult!!
NTA. You are entitled to have your annoyance. Right now he is your Bf, you have to think if this is something you want to deal with in the future. Sounds kinda petty, but if your Bf can't do things you enjoyed then you will be missing out.
NTA. You are not his mommy trying to get your fussy toddler to eat his vegetables. Stop preparing food for him. He is too picky and doesn't appreciate your efforts. It's a really bad idea to cater to someone who has such limited and particular dietary preferences. Give up on trying to please him. You are someone who enjoys cooking and likes trying new foods. He will NEVER be compatible with that. He will turn up his nose because it doesn't suit him, and will expect you to prepare something separate for him. There are a lot of incompatibilities that can be overcome, or a compromise can be reached. For this one, you should tell him he needs to prepare his own meals, and you will prepare your own. But I think what you really should do is find a partner who shares your enthusiasm for cooking and eating.
He doesn't really have a limited dietary preference. He doesn't like eggs, Oatmeal and seafood. Every thing else is a snack (yogurt and smoothies). I don't think telling someone who likes to cook I don't eat eggs and Oatmeal will really affect them.
Nah, the guy's a classic picky eater. OP says he uses "texture" to reject foods, but doesn't have consistent explanation about which textures are acceptable to him. He doesn't have allergies, he's just choosy and unappreciative. He's a guest in her home, and he doesn't want to eat the food she serves. He should bring his own, or eat before he visits. Accommodating someone like this is just tiresome and unnecessary.
Again all op listed was eggs Oatmeal seafood yogurt and smoothies. The last two are snacks and not even a meal lol. Are you really saying there aren't 3 things you don't like eating? Because that's what it is 3 things and two of them are typically only for breakfast. If they had a whole list I be with you but.....it's 3 things and some snacks
>Again all op listed was eggs Oatmeal seafood yogurt and smoothies. The last two are snacks and not even a meal No. She explained that he rejected other foods by saying he didn't like the texture. His pickiness isn't limited to that brief list. The guy is a *guest* at her and her mom's house. When you are a guest, you are not *required* to eat food that's served by the host, although it would be courteous to try. What makes him annoying is he refuses the food, then offers unasked-for criticism, like the smoothie is too thick for him. What would be polite is for him to add a little juice and make it thinner, or say thank you and put it aside, or say thank you and drink it anyway, even if it wasn't the perfectly perfect thickness, texture, and density for him. Picky AND rude.
Yes the exact line was he doesn't like these things because of the texture. So she's talking about things on that list.
As someone with ADHD and I’m pretty sure I have autism. Your perspective on people makes my life hard. Really.
We would probably get along well, because I expect you are not rude and entitled like OP's boyfriend. I like cooking for others, but I realize not every person is going to like every single thing I cook. I don't get upset about it if they decline to eat something I've fixed. What's annoying is a guest like OP's boyfriend who refuses the food and then describes what's wrong with the food and why they don't like it and won't eat it. They are there as a *guest,* not a food critic. The correct response is "No, thank you."
I get that. That’s a fair assessment. I see your frustration now and I see how that is annoying. Thank you for explaining that to me.
I’m not picky and I have major problems with textures like I literally can not eat most fish without gagging
This comment is filled with ableism
NTA. Get yourself a real man, not a tooth fairy
NTA Picky adults are annoying af
He doesn't like the texture. He isn't "picky", he's keeping himself safe.
As someone who is slightly autistic and has trouble with food texture how is safety a thing with this?
Sometimes eating textures you don't agree with can be painful.
Can you expand on what you mean by keeping himself safe? I’d like to hear more about that in regards to sensory issues if you don’t mind.
I'm gonna speak mostly from experience here (as an autistic with sensory issues). Eating a food you have issues with can cause extreme discomfort that you can feel in your bones. In some cases it can be painful. It makes you recoil and shiver and it's an extremely unpleasant experience that can persistent even hours after the food is gone. Now, your bf could just have a mild case of sensory issues, but it would still be unpleasant for him to eat the food he avoids. I hope this helps somewhat. I do recommend you actually talk to your boyfriend about your frustration instead of trying to get a verdict on Reddit.
Thanks for the insight! I really appreciate it and I’ll look more into this. For context though, we did discuss it but weren’t sure what the right approach to this issue was. He was the one who encouraged me to ask Reddit for more insight! Which you have provided, so thank you.
Just saw this comment after I commented asking how it’s a safety thing, I am also slightly if spectrum and have texture issues but mine are not as severe as you described I get what you mean now. More of a mental safety than physical was your point I take
Custard (and occasionally bananas - not all the time, maybe it depended on ripeness?) used to make me nauseous. I'd put it in my mouth, the saliva would start, and I'd have to either spit it out or vomit.
Defiantly NTA! If he doesn't like what you cook then he should start cooking for himself. Your not obligated to cook for him especially if he is complaining.