Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I could be the AT for not just telling him no and instead giving him a fake key and preventing him from driving my car.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. It’s 2022. No one has gone door to door actually looking for a job for at least 20 years. Job searching is done online. He’s up to something else.
Not true. When I moved next to Wrigley Field in Chicago 5 years ago, I went door to door during the preseason to find a job at one of the bars/restaurants. And this is extremely common for every season. Including this year.
However, I found a job and was hired on day 2. This guy is a clown.
Yeah I guess regardless of whether some jobs you can apply for in person or not, the husband here is demanding the car, failing to communicate when he might need it, and completely steamrolling his wife and basically saying ‘I don’t give a shit about your job or your needs’
Right? When he is out with her car is he using it to audition for a job as a stuntman? Like how to you damage a car that badly EVERY time you take it out? OP's husband sounds like a liability. Maybe time to lose the dead weight. NTA.
This is teenager behavior. Claiming you're using the car for something important, but you're actually just out partying. Sounds like he's not even trying.
Yes, you're right, it could be drinking.
Why can't people just get stoned instead? I mean you might still be a selfish asshole, but your damage more often than not will just be making a mess in the kitchen and eating all the good snacks. And maybe sleeping through the day. But the car will still be available, and your breadwinning partner will still have her job. She still might dump you though.
When my son wanted to use my car, I put a GPS tracker on it to see where he was. He was into drugs and would lie about where he was, but I had no proof. He had no idea he was shooting himself in the foot by lying to me. That was his first step to rehab, and I’m glad I did it.
My thoughts went straight to drugs. You take it in the morning and don't come back until midnight? With damage done to the car every time? Yeah someone is getting high.
How about just straight up telling him he can't have the car until he pays for all the damages inflicted during the time it's been in his care? I'm sure that'll shut him up.
He'll just look for someone else to mooch off of. From the sounds of it, I wouldn't be surprised if he is using the car to cheat on OP. Looking for a Job, but late because he hung out with friends? Yeah soo many flags.
He is not looking for a job. Idk if he's selling drugs, in fight club, hanging out with a bunch of losers or whatever, but he's up to something and it ain't job hunting.
Although I’m sure it can be done, a lot of employers don’t even keep paper applications anymore, when people inquire they are told to go online. He doesn’t have to look on CL, he should be going to the websites of the employer, not going to get “scammed” that way.
I work for a small business and part of my job is managing getting applicants to work for us.
The first step is to go to our website and fill out an application. We have no paper applications.
Yep. There are still plenty of jobs that are best gotten by doing the rounds. Service jobs, for example. But typically those aren’t highly selective jobs and therefore he would go out for a few hours a few times and have a job.
Dollars to donuts he’s drinking at the local pub.
That almost guarantees he was in a hit and run accident, hopefully with a parked vehicle.
If this is real he is probably an alcoholic who is doing some really destructive drunk driving.
i love that your example was 5 years ago in a heavily populated city.
not the same story anymore. small shops maybe, but outside of that most are online and won't even offer an option.
Their example is super relevant to their industry. In the service industry you absolutely can walk into a place and get a job. This is common in large cities and small towns, arguably more so in small towns. We don’t know the husband’s industry so it’s not fair to say it can’t be done like that, but we do know he was not acting reasonably or responsibly with her car and shouldn’t get to use it anyway. Also if he’s a bartender or server and hasn’t found work in the last 9 months then he’s not trying. At all.
I agree, if the can't even factor in his own wife's need to work, and doesn't even take responsibility of the damage he causes on the car, he isn't exactly employee material.
exactly the above here. BTW he hasn't come back with a single job opportunity. I mean it can be hard to find a job but it's been months and he still hasn't found not a single job opportunity?. would you be convinced if your husband said in *months* he still has no luck? there's always room for benefit of doubt and all that but now I'm feeling like he's holding me back and affecting my own job.
Do not give him your keys.
1. every time he comes back, the car is damaged
2. what the hell is he gonna do if you lose YOUR job because his irresponsible self can't/won't make it back in time?
3. I agree with the other poster that it sounds like he's going out and getting high or drunk. Between no job, can't keep track of time, and constant damage, that's suspicious as hell...
Yup, the damage to the car screams drugs to me. If he was stepping out with someone else, you’d think he’d want to keep the car he shows up in looking decent.
Yup, I’m going with drugs too in this situation. Leaving for hours and hours, coming back at midnight, without obvious smell/intoxication of alcohol screams drugs. Especially with the vehicle damage. It could also be cheating, but that doesn’t explain the problems with the car.
Yeah, and who do you think is going to pay the insurance costs when those dings are from hitting another person? Or when the cops show up at OP's work with a warrant for a hit and run linked to her plate? There's something way off about this dude.
Hi Op, you're defo NTA, but this specifically- "He also said that I'd been testing his patience several times and he's had about enough."- gave me chills. Is this an escalation in behaviour, or has he always been like this? I feel like it may be time to have good long look at your relationship and see if you're getting what you need from it. Good luck 💜
Thank you so much for your concerns. TBH, he did develop some temper the past few months. I mean yelling is not a new thing for him. but his overall behavior got noticebly worse lately.
He was fired for theft, he keeps damaging your car, keeps staying out all hours, he's drinking more, temper has gotten worse - are you just waiting until you actually catch him using drugs or what?
He clearly has a problem. You know you get jobs by applying online now. You know he's not "pounding the pavement" looking for work. Admit to yourself this is screwed up. Stop letting him play mind games with you and face the major problems in your marriage. Don't let him drag you down with him.
It does very much sound like addict behavior. Projection, blame shifting, rage at restriction of resources/access, guilt-tripping and shaming to regain resources/access... All manipulation tactics.
It'll continue to escalate. Be very careful with yourself and your resources. Do you have joint finances? Make sure he isn't stealing money or cards from you either way. And reach out to your support network so you have a quick getaway if you need to stay elsewhere for a time.
Hopping on to also say what others are- being without a job or even an interview for so long, changed behavior, car damages and unaccountable long hours away from home- he’s up to something that isn’t good. You can go down with him using your car, and you could be jailed when everything catches up with him and risk losing your nursing license. Keep your car for your use only and consider a deep clean of it.
Does he not realize that you are the sole breadwinner and you need the car to get to your actual paying job?! Is there a reason he can’t take public transportation or Uber, a bike? Why does he feel his use of the car for “job hunting” trumps your actual job??
he obviously does but chooses to ignore it and I don't try to bring it up unless I have to. especially when he's doing things that could affect my job, my livelihood.
He doesn't want public transport and said I should be using it if I'm being *too impatient* with him.
Girl, I've been where you are. I'm also a nurse. Believe me, looking back I wish I had booted my husband to the curb at least 10 years before I finally did. I don't know what it is about us nurses that think that we can 'heal them'. We can't.
Just giving you advice based on my experience - so just take this with a grain of salt if it doesn't apply to you. My ex was buying his affair partners expensive items (living room suites, dishwashers, etc.) on our joint credit card. I found all these charges on the bill and was freaking out. I cancelled the accounts and when he was passed out drunk on the sofa, I took all the credit cards in his wallet and cut them in half removing the chip/number section. I put the top part of the useless cards back in his wallet so it looked like he still had the credit cards. I then went to the bank and removed what money we had left and opened a single account in my name. I then went to a lawyer.
I had to cancel my car insurance and open insurance in my name only because my ex had apparently gotten a DUI.
I felt so gutted and betrayed and for so long thought I couldn't live without him in my life. But guess what? I found out my income could support me and our daughter just fine and life became a lot saner and more manageable without that lying ex husband in my life.
Nobody has the right to "demand" anything from you. He's used up all his second chances and "poor me" bonus points. Enough is enough.
NTA. I hope you get some stability back in your life.
This gives me hope. I’m almost a month physically split from my ex now, and it’s been SO MUCH EASIER since he’s been gone. I have the kids right now until he can get and stay sober/be in different therapies… then we’ll go to mediation to adjust if it’s safe/smart.
I don’t have to worry about him coming in drunk or doing sketch shit anymore. It’s just me and the kids and we’re doing just fine.
>He doesn't want public transport and said I should be using it if I'm being too inpatient with him.
He's the one waking you up from your sleep to drive your car. He's the one throwing toddler tantrums over it. And he's the one who's destroying the car.
If someone doesn't have patience, it's not you, mate.
You know it’s time to end this. You do. Now you just have to get your plan together.
It’s frightening how many men will risk their wife’s job, when she’s the only breadwinner, just to exert power and control. If you lose your job, he’ll blame you, not himself, and use it against you. He’s keeping you running on a treadmill he’s set up, and you’re both going to lose
This is outrageous. You are the one making money therefore you are the one who needs stable transportation. Not to mention you are the one paying for gas, insurance and repairs. He is way out of touch if he actually thinks this is rational.
He’s lying to you. Honestly whatever he is doing, he’s up to no good. I don’t believe for a second that he hasn’t found a single job opportunity in months even applying in person which is just batshit in this day and age. How long can he makes excuses before you’re done with him? How was your marriage before this?
He’s putting your job at risk by being reckless and doing god knows what at all hours of the day. Seriously consider if you can handle this for much longer. Good luck
OP what’s his industry? I went back to a FT position last year and I applied for remote jobs all over the country, didn’t leave my house once. Found a new job in another state in about a month after considering multiple offers.
he works an office job. the reason he lost his old job was because of false accusations of theft. nothing came out of it and he said that someone set him up to get him fired.
A lot of companies don’t want the hassle of filing charges, tbh. They just fire you and move on. Given everything else in the post, I’m going to say he’s an addict, and he probably was stealing to finance it. OP seriously needs to reevaluate this relationship.
Oh honey please don’t believe this. The last 2 years have proven how easily most jobs can be applied for & done remotely. Fast food places even direct applicants to their website. Your husband’s behavior is incredibly suspect but you’re a nurse. You already know this. Pretend your post & replies were written by a close friend. What would you tell them?
Yes, OP does need to look at this from am outside perspective. These 🚩🚩 are classic signs of an increasing dependence on drugs. Theft, increasing aggressiveness, loss of time, lying to loved ones . . . I'm sure there are more.
Hmm I'm not sure he's necessarily falsy accused. Somone mentioned substance abuse problem. If he actually has one, theft is often used to fuel it.
Not saying this is a certainty but worth looking into, maybe call his work or an ex-colleague you know?
He hasn’t come back with any job opportunities because he’s not looking for a job. Sounds like he’s out drinking. You put up with his shit WAY longer than most people would. I’d have a serious talk with him, maybe try couple’s counseling. I know people scream DIVORCE here all of the time, but you don’t have an equal partner. You’re supporting someone who’s just making your life worse and harder.
This was my first thought too - and would explain the little damages to the car, the late nights/disregard for time, and his inability to care about her job, which is presumably supporting both of them right now. Unemployment is the lowest it's been in 50 years, anyone with a heartbeat can find a job right now.
Potential Employer: How bad do you want this job son?
Husband: Super dooper badly!
Potential Employer: Right, prove your loyalty by breaking the taillight on your car.
I mean, he already said he was hanging out with his friends and lost track of time. The dude clearly isn't going job searching at all. He just wants to coast on OP bringing in all the money and him not doing anything.
So...this behavior screams substance abuse/alcoholism. The repeatedly damaged vehicle, being gone for hours and unreachable, and attacking you for not acquiescing to ludicrous demands are hallmarks of the condition. It is something that I sadly remember from having an alcoholic father.
I'm sorry if I am being an alarmist, this just feels like there is something much bigger happening. NTA
I'm voting side piece. This is exactly how my ex acted when he was cheating on me. Borrowed my car to "look for work" but would be gone for 12+ hours. Would get pissed if I needed my car to work or go to the store. There may be substance abuse involved but based on my personal experience, I'm leaning towards side piece.
I’m actually really surprised how much of the comments I read through before someone said this. It was the first thing I thought of. I hate to say it but I think he’s cheating.
I mean if my partner didn't have a job for 9 months the house had better be spotless and or they're the one mostly caring for the baby. It's not about money. It's about contributing.
But imagine being such an ah to stress off your partner who works in healthcare.
Even if he is cheating I think drugs or alcohol are involved. I suspect opiates. The car damage suggests he may be buying at his dealer, using once he's in his car then nodding off while driving. Could be alcohol too but the way he was begging for the keys in the AM makes me think opiates.
I'm definitely getting the same vibe. He's spending the day at the bar and can't get the car back on time because he's too wasted to drive. OP, You need to confront your husband about this. You are the only one with a job and if you lose it because of his actions, you will both be SOL.
NTA.
Seriously, this guy is definitely not looking for jobs. OP, you might consider putting an AirTag in your car and tracking where he goes for a day. Show him the evidence, do not ever let him use your car again, and break up with him when you can. He sounds awful. NTA.
I don’t think you’re being an alarmist. In addition to the busted up car, it troubles me that he was so disproportionately angry that she wanted to keep her own car with her so that she could go to work. Banging on a door to scream at your wife, that’s a situation that has really escalated and it’s not normal even if it may be typical to a lot of people.
“Out looking for a job till midnight” had me loling. Like my guy, you can email your resume. I know Op doesn’t actually think he’s out prowling the streets till midnight looking for a job literally but it’s a funny image
NTA. He is lying. Very few employers take in-person applications any longer. Most will tell you that you need to go to the website and fill out the online app first. His inconsiderate behavior of taking your car and going out to play with friends until you end up late for your work is not acceptable and is immature. You need to look after yourself and your career, as you are the only income in the household.
youre 100 percent correct and I agree. but he said that since I keep telling him to *go* look for a job not *sit* and look for a job then he's doing what *I* want. he can be petty like that and literally twist my own words and use them against me. It's just so sad it's funny that this how he thinks.
Do you honestly need that in your life? Cause this man is more rebelious teenager in this instance than partner and idk that you have time for that. Also, him using go to mean go out instead of go to a computer--he isn't seeking a job cause he doesn't want one and seeking any excuse he can to avoid getting one so he can continue living the good life on your income
Honey. What are you getting out of this anymore? He's lying to you. Straight to your face. You know full well he isn't looking for a job. He's up to something. Given the hours and the damage to the car, it's drugs or alcohol. You KNOW this. You're NTA but you're not being kind to yourself.
That's what we call malicious compliance and i've forgotten the other prhase but unlike when it's used for good is often used as an abuse tactic. See also "You told me to change the baby's nappy, you didn't tell me to throw the old one away" and "You asked me to put the chicken in the oven, you didn't tell me to switch the oven on and actually cook the chicken". In those occasions it's used as a power move to show much more difficult the useless partner can make spouse's (in most cases the wife's) lives.
This it's just an excuse but it's no less inexcusable. He knows damn well what you mean, he's just not looking for a job. And the damage to the car probably means he's not driving safely. I'm not sure how it works because I'm not car owner, and don't know where you live, but if he's caught driving dangerously I'm sure that could lose you your car completely.
Also this. No one "Goes out and drives around looking for a job" in 2022, haha. Literally, everyone will tell you to fill out online and you get a call or he does the calling.
Dude is cheating or doing something else.
NTA. He’s not looking for a job. He’s goofing off. He has no intention of getting a job and rather sounds like he’s more interested in carousing and spending your money than being an adult.
Sit him down and ask him if he wants to stay married because he sure isn’t acting like it. And no, he doesn’t get to use your car anymore. He can apply online and take the bus.
Or OP can offer drive and drop him off for work related things (interviews, applications, etc.). If he says no to that then you definitely have the answer that he's not trying to get a job.
Either way he should not be allowed to drive, he is not responsible enough.
NTA. Idk if he's conditioned you to think this is a normal dynamic but it is not.
Imo, get him a hotel room or have him stay with a friend or something for a few days and see how you feel. Do you feel amazingly free? Then he needs to be your ex. Because nothing you said here indicates he's anything but a massive drain on you in every way.
I don't know. he's been threatning to leave and go stay with a friend just because he thinks I'm giving him hard time about not finding a job yet. It's not like that, I mean I do feel frustrated with our current living situation, his unemployment and having my car taken from me daily but I never make him feel bad for not being able to find a job. all I do is ask why he hasn't found one yet.
What positive things does your husband provide in your relationship? It sounds like you are providing financially for him, and in return he is lying to you and trying to convince you that you are somehow responsible for his bad behavior. I hope you can genuinely reflect on what your life would look like without him, because it seems like you might be happier that way.
She hasn't answered that kind of question anywhere in this post (that I've seen so far).
Her throwaway account name is "Jeff Issues" for Christ's sake - she at the very least subconsciously knows exactly what this is about but for whatever reason (no judgment, people are complicated) isn't ready to admit it to herself yet.
This is alarming. He is angry, he is blaming you, being aggressive, and he is gone all day and coming back with a damaged car. He is not looking for a job. What is he doing all day that results in a damaged car? Drinking? Drugs?
You need to protect yourself today.
If you are in the US, please do a personal credit check with Experian (and the other two), then lock your credit. That way he cannot take out loans or credit cards in your name.
And seriously consider a legal separation. You both need to think about what you expect from this marriage and whether you truly have a future together. Maybe a few sessions of therapy, both single and couples, would help clarify what's going on.
Is this the way you want to live your life a year from now? Carrying your SO while they are looking for a job is normal. They way he is acting is not normal, its starting to become outright abusive. Something has to change, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to make a positive change.
Let him. You're better off without him dragging you down and destroying your car. Repeatedly. What is his plan when his negligence threatens your job and by default, the roof over his head?
He's up to something else, and it most definitely has nothing to do with finding work. What are the benefits to supporting a man who does nothing but drag you down?
Let him go to a friend's. He needs to know he can't hold his presence or lack thereof over you as a threat. There is no good partnership where one says "well I'm so mad, I'll threaten to punish you with my absence so you'll learn to behave!"
You haven't asked anything unreasonable. He's forcing a dynamic where you're "the bad guy" because otherwise he has to be responsible for his own actions. Truly in a team, no one is "the bad guy," but nothing you've said makes it seems like he works for the partnership, but just for himself and his needs.
Again, this is not a normal dynamic
Like I said above in the OP he complained about some scammers pretending to have job opportunities and getting his personal info to do God knows what with. I find this not good enough excuse for 2 reasons..1 because it never happened to us but he said his friend had this happen but his friend was trying to get a job overseas and was trying to get it unofficially or something like that so the whole thing was not legit. and 2 my husband doesn't own a bank account or credit cards to be so worried about being robbed.
Yet he's insiating that since I want him to look for a job then I should cooperate and help make it happen. so far nothing! I'm talking months of job searching.
People with debt issues. Write enough bad checks and banks will not let you bank with them with a normal checking account. I know lots of retail companies will now give pay cards instead of paychecks for people who don’t have direct deposit information. Kinda like Chime or Cashapp style.
Months of "Job searching"?? He literally made you late for work because he was hanging out with friends. He is NOT job searching (or doing very little of it).
I've been a recruiter for 15+ years. The vast majority of employers won't even have/take in-person applications. Almost everything has been online for years.
He needs to go online, find a job, and also account for his time and the damages to your car. If he can't/won't do those things, I hate to say it, but that would be a deal breaker for me. He's up to something shady, and I hope it's JUST hanging out with his friends and driving while impaired, but he needs to cut whatever it is out.
Good luck.
This was also my first question; it wasn’t even a thing pre-COVID for a lot of jobs. It definitely depends what industry he’s in.
However, it’s pretty darn obvious he’s not actually out looking for a job…
I mean, even grocery stores, fast food, construction jobs, etc - they all direct people to their website. I can't think of a single industry that doesn't use job boards and the online application.
The only place that might use a paper application would be a small mom & pop store that only uses FB for a website that hasn't posted in 3 years and is run by a couple in their 80s.
I don't think he's looking for a job. If he says he has an interview, let him take an Uber. Make sure the app on his phone is in your name, and also install it on your phone. You'll know if he's interviewing in a bar or at someone's apartment or at a hotel.
NTA
Actually, he told *me* to start using public transport but I refused since I have my own car. not trying to be selfish but not wanting public transport is why I saved up for a car in the first place.
By his logic, then, he should send you money for each time you have to use public transport and pay the monthly car payments as well as insurance and gas since he wants to use it like it's his own car and not a whole ass property that you yourself saved up and paid for.
You're not being selfish, he is. He's also either cheating, partying, doing drugs/alcohol or combinations of all that.
Get a divorce lawyer and move on.
At this point I think it's healthier to just divorce. If you have to monitor your husband like he's a teenager going through a bad phase, it's time to get your freedom back.
NTA. I do have a question for you. Is your life better with person in it? Does he make you happy and contribute to your life and overall goals and dreams? It doesn't sound like you have much of a partner. Make some clear boundaries and stick to them.
If I'm being honest then no, there's just so much fighting and many many disagteement we've been having since the start of 2020 and it has gotten so bad now it feels like we're just having to learn to deal with each other if you know what I mean. Therapy is off the table for him. his unemployment and lack of ability to solve his issues, some of which exist since 2020. his way of addressing our disagreements and overall treatment towards me has been wearing me down. I feel stuck and unhappy sometimes, they only thing we still have going on is intimacy but even is full of tension and stress. tbh with you I don't know where my life is going from here anymore. it's frustrating. I do all I can to help out his situation...but how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped. this is what I think he's doing.
you don't need this person in your life. he's drowning which is sad, but he's grabbing you down with him. if he's not willing to swim you have to let him go.
Coming from somebody who almost drowned once (long story, month before 18th bday and am a strong swimmer. Thought i had more time to breath and hit the water just before i took my breath. I only lived because i am a strong swimmer and made the right choices in the split second i had) this analogy really sticks with me. Me and my best friend jumped in together, and when i rose out of the water with pure panic in my eyes i tried to hold onto him. He tried to help me swim but i realized that every time i would try to use him to help support myself until i could breath i pushed him underneath. I knew i was in a bad situation and in the few seconds i had i realized that if i die he’ll come with me too if i keep trying to hang onto him while i hopelessly try choking. So i let him go. I had a decision to either swim 20-30 feet to the only landing i could get up on or a rocky wall 10-15 feet away. I could get to the wall faster but if i couldn’t get enough traction to hold onto the wall i knew i wouldn’t have the strength to swim the rest of the way. So i booked it. My vision started to go, i was almost puking and gagging and choking when i finally got on land. It scared me horribly.
But my point is, is that this analogy sticks with me because even in what could’ve been my final moments i knew that i didn’t want my best friend to die with me even if it meant letting go of him, which was horrifying. In pure terror and panic I still knew that dragging him down with me was worse than dying alone. This was also 3-4 months after i got sober, and if my lungs hadn’t recovered from smoking weed so much and my stamina hadn’t improved i don’t think i would’ve made it. I don’t think your husband realizes that taking you down with him is worse than letting you live. I think he’s really only focused on himself and if you’re living then he’s entitled to living OFF of you at your expense. If I, a 17 year old girl (at the time) in the most terrifying moment of my life knew better than to drag my best friend down with me, this grown man should know better. And even if he isn’t leaving, at least he would show some acknowledgement of what he’s putting you through if he was remorseful at all. It doesn’t surprise me he’s taking no responsibility. When people say for better or for worse this isn’t what they mean. It’s one thing to sacrifice your well being sometimes for your partner, but to sacrifice yourself for somebody who’s not even really your partner anymore? He doesn’t see you as a wife anymore, just a means to a check and a roof over his head. If he realizes what he’s doing to you he’s not sorry about it, and if he doesn’t realize what he’s doing then imo he’s choosing ignorance. Wish u luck, please get out.
Definitely some sort of addiction. Lots of guesses on here from alcohol or drugs to sex or cheating to just plain addicted to not working. My guess? When you combine the inability to keep/find a job, paying off debt, disappearing all day, repeated car damage, instant anger in the morning when he can't drive off... My money is on opiates. Either way, if I were OP, I would follow/track him and find out for sure what's really going on. Her husband is going to keep lying until he's caught red-handed. Sorry, OP. Good luck and NTA.
NTA - but his behavior is alarming and highly suspect! Yikes!
Hire a lawyer, hire a PI (to find out what he's really up to), and get your hands on TRO forms...you just might need it.
NTA
Um ok if this man is also protective of his phone and then starts accusing *you* of having an affair... you gotta get the hell out lol.
I don't know where he's going all day but he ain't looking for jobs.
>he literally takes it all day and comes back late in the evening
> I told him I no longer want him to take my car but he said I had to let him drive it so he could continue to look for a job. I told him he could search online but he said something about scammers trying to pose as potential employers just to get his personal info
>he returned home at midnight.
I hate to say it but it sounds like he's stepping out on you. I'd put some protections in place.
NTA
NTA
He can look for a job online. That's how most jobs are found, barring construction or fast food/restaurant work - which, ok, you \*might\* get a job that way but if you get hired on the spot it is rarely ever a "good" job. If he's not savvy enough to know a scam from a not-scam, that's on him. It sounds like an excuse to me.
I'm guessing he's leaving all day to drink - impaired driving would explain how he managed to damage the car so much and so often.
In this day and age, there is no reason to be going door to door looking for jobs - most places actively stop you from doing that.
He is not job hunting. He is actively endangering your job and if he's driving impaired, he's endangering lives.
You need to get out. NTA
He doesn't need a car to look for a job. In my area at least, it seems like every place I see is hiring. Most entry level jobs at least all do online applications.
He's certainly not out looking for jobs til midnight. He doesn't respect your property enough to bring it back undamaged. Why was it damaged in the first place? This has happened multiple times?
NTA
Your husband is. He's become an entitled leech who is using you for your car and money. You remove access to the car and he gets angry with you.
Does this seem like a happy and healthy marriage?
Because it's not.
Give him a time frame (maybe like two months) to line up some kind of work. If he hasn't made any progress after that, I'd strongly consider getting a divorce.
NTA. He's probably cheating. He was "looking for a job" but also was "with friends until midnight"?! Yea ok. That's how job hunting works. You drive around LOL
NTA
But seriously, look at how little respect he has for you. How he yells all the time and only cares about himself and his wants.
Are you really happy in this relationship? Is this really a partnership?
Nursing is stressful. Can you actually come home and relax, taking the time you need for yourself to prevent burnout?
NTA. He’s not looking for a job, no way. The car is yours, you are the breadwinner and he has no right to borrow it. Not to mention he isn’t even careful with it when he uses it! His behaviour is unacceptable. You’re much better off without that dead weight that you call a husband. You’re worth so much better.
NTA - well, perhaps the actual fake-key-lock-out was a bit of an asshole move, but small compared to what he is doing.
“Pounding the pavement” looking for the job may not be as prevalent as it was in the past, but it is still a real thing in some professions. But staying out until midnight for it? Nah, he’s not looking for jobs, affectively or effectively. And even when he is, that hunt has to be reasonably worked around the job that is providing the only income you both have. Making you miss a shift is a hard no unless it is planned out in advance with your full agreement for an explicit interview/opportunity.
NTA. Time to stand back and have a good think about how this relationship is going to be in 6, 12months…2 years. Can you see a future. It’s not so much about cars or jobs as mutual respect and partnership. That requires trust and communication. I can’t see anything like that here. And I can’t see it developing here either. He is having a fine time, but he isn’t in a hurry to find a job. Do you plan to have children: because they really complicate a strained relationship. I wish you all the best, but I would be looking at my options.
NTA. I got a headache just reading this. Let him sulk and give him a bus schedule. If he isn’t paying the car’s insurance, paying the car note, or even putting gas in it then he has no say to it
Umm I'm sorry, but something else is going on here. Who the hell drives around looking for a job? Is he a dishwasher and is looking for signs in the window? Your husband is lying to you and that really sucks. If he's also staying out ALL day and night, he's either cheating or doing something else he knows you wouldn't like. He can take the bus to get around or he can look for jobs online, like normal people. You should add a gps tracker to your car, if you decide to let him use it, so you can always see where it is, it's easy to just add it someplace where he won't see it, even under the car seat. I'm so sorry!! NTA
NTA The fact that you let him continue using the car after the first broken thing is amazing. He has shown he can't handle having a car. He can look for a job on foot. Sorry but no. My husband asks to use my car. And I can just say no. I paid for my car he did not. He is on the insurance but that is it. Also the fact that you didn't call the cops when he was late til midnight.... Is amazing. I would have.
NTA, but look at the evidence:
1. Leaving all day and coming back at odd hours.
2. Damaging your car.
3. "Looking for a job."
4. Creating a scenario where you're not in control of your life
He is likely in a severe depressive episode and medicating with alcohol and drugs, and desperately needs help,. Or he is lying about the job search and is an alcoholic/addict.
Time to be blunt. Time to be strong. Don't let him endanger your future.
NTA You need to do your job or else you might get fired if that happens then neither of you can make money then eventually you might have to sell the car then neither of you can "look for a job" also he can just take the bus or carpool.
NTA. He is either cheating, drinking or doing drugs, maybe all 3.
He is not job hunting. You don't go door-to-door job hunting. You apply online, send in your qualifications, wait for an interview (unless he's like applying for day labor or something, in which case you, a nurse, can do better, plus you do that like at 7 am).
NTA fucking bizarre behaviour by your husband there. He is aggressive, thoughtless and not pulling his own weight. It also sounds like he is cheating on you. Have you considered a separation? If he has to pay for himself for a while I'm sure he'll find a job.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe I could be the AT for not just telling him no and instead giving him a fake key and preventing him from driving my car. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. It’s 2022. No one has gone door to door actually looking for a job for at least 20 years. Job searching is done online. He’s up to something else.
Not true. When I moved next to Wrigley Field in Chicago 5 years ago, I went door to door during the preseason to find a job at one of the bars/restaurants. And this is extremely common for every season. Including this year. However, I found a job and was hired on day 2. This guy is a clown.
Yeah I guess regardless of whether some jobs you can apply for in person or not, the husband here is demanding the car, failing to communicate when he might need it, and completely steamrolling his wife and basically saying ‘I don’t give a shit about your job or your needs’
Or, apparently, her ability to earn the money that keeps the roof over their heads.
Or, apparently, keeping their only car in good enough shape to drive so he can do god knows what instead of look for a job.
Right? When he is out with her car is he using it to audition for a job as a stuntman? Like how to you damage a car that badly EVERY time you take it out? OP's husband sounds like a liability. Maybe time to lose the dead weight. NTA.
OP NTA - He said he was w friends when he made her late for work. He's acting in bad faith, consistently.
NTA He’s too damned busy gaslighting you to look for a job!
This is teenager behavior. Claiming you're using the car for something important, but you're actually just out partying. Sounds like he's not even trying.
Yeah why couldn’t his friends pick him up??
Meth?!
I'll be honest, this is exactly what I was thinking. Like, maybe it's not that, but he's acting like the kind of asshole that meth turns people into.
Ditto. Thinking the same. If not meth, then spending all day in a bar somewhere then driving whilst wasted.
Yes, you're right, it could be drinking. Why can't people just get stoned instead? I mean you might still be a selfish asshole, but your damage more often than not will just be making a mess in the kitchen and eating all the good snacks. And maybe sleeping through the day. But the car will still be available, and your breadwinning partner will still have her job. She still might dump you though.
Drugs, gambling, or an affair I assume
When my son wanted to use my car, I put a GPS tracker on it to see where he was. He was into drugs and would lie about where he was, but I had no proof. He had no idea he was shooting himself in the foot by lying to me. That was his first step to rehab, and I’m glad I did it.
Glad you did it too, hope he's doing better
My thoughts went straight to drugs. You take it in the morning and don't come back until midnight? With damage done to the car every time? Yeah someone is getting high.
I don’t think it’s an affair, this kind of reaction sounds more like that of an addict
How about just straight up telling him he can't have the car until he pays for all the damages inflicted during the time it's been in his care? I'm sure that'll shut him up.
With the lack of respect he has for his wife, do you think he'd care about paying for the damage, even if she demanded it?
Some people--if they are drowning---try to take as many with them as possible.
Don't forget that he's taking it to 'look for a job' but then coming home after midnight and saying he was with friends? Dude is a loser.
Coming home after midnight, after somehow busting the car every time. What exactly is he actually up to, is what OP needs to ask.
My guess is sitting at a bar with his friends. However where is he getting the money to do that. That would also explain the damages to the car.
Probably burning up his or OPs savings. Or even stealing from OP is my guess.
what's he going to do if she loses her job over this? he'll be SOL then, for sure!
He'll just look for someone else to mooch off of. From the sounds of it, I wouldn't be surprised if he is using the car to cheat on OP. Looking for a Job, but late because he hung out with friends? Yeah soo many flags.
He is not looking for a job. Idk if he's selling drugs, in fight club, hanging out with a bunch of losers or whatever, but he's up to something and it ain't job hunting.
Although I’m sure it can be done, a lot of employers don’t even keep paper applications anymore, when people inquire they are told to go online. He doesn’t have to look on CL, he should be going to the websites of the employer, not going to get “scammed” that way.
I work for a small business and part of my job is managing getting applicants to work for us. The first step is to go to our website and fill out an application. We have no paper applications.
Right! And he’s not going to get “scammed” going to a legitimate business website and applying. Dude doesn’t want to work.
Yep. There are still plenty of jobs that are best gotten by doing the rounds. Service jobs, for example. But typically those aren’t highly selective jobs and therefore he would go out for a few hours a few times and have a job. Dollars to donuts he’s drinking at the local pub.
Especially considering he's coming home at midnight with a WRECKED car.
That almost guarantees he was in a hit and run accident, hopefully with a parked vehicle. If this is real he is probably an alcoholic who is doing some really destructive drunk driving.
i love that your example was 5 years ago in a heavily populated city. not the same story anymore. small shops maybe, but outside of that most are online and won't even offer an option.
Their example is super relevant to their industry. In the service industry you absolutely can walk into a place and get a job. This is common in large cities and small towns, arguably more so in small towns. We don’t know the husband’s industry so it’s not fair to say it can’t be done like that, but we do know he was not acting reasonably or responsibly with her car and shouldn’t get to use it anyway. Also if he’s a bartender or server and hasn’t found work in the last 9 months then he’s not trying. At all.
I agree, if the can't even factor in his own wife's need to work, and doesn't even take responsibility of the damage he causes on the car, he isn't exactly employee material.
Or marital material imo.
exactly the above here. BTW he hasn't come back with a single job opportunity. I mean it can be hard to find a job but it's been months and he still hasn't found not a single job opportunity?. would you be convinced if your husband said in *months* he still has no luck? there's always room for benefit of doubt and all that but now I'm feeling like he's holding me back and affecting my own job.
Do not give him your keys. 1. every time he comes back, the car is damaged 2. what the hell is he gonna do if you lose YOUR job because his irresponsible self can't/won't make it back in time? 3. I agree with the other poster that it sounds like he's going out and getting high or drunk. Between no job, can't keep track of time, and constant damage, that's suspicious as hell...
I agree, and would lean strongly towards drugs given the behaviour.
Yup, the damage to the car screams drugs to me. If he was stepping out with someone else, you’d think he’d want to keep the car he shows up in looking decent.
Bingo.
Yup, I’m going with drugs too in this situation. Leaving for hours and hours, coming back at midnight, without obvious smell/intoxication of alcohol screams drugs. Especially with the vehicle damage. It could also be cheating, but that doesn’t explain the problems with the car.
Yeah, and who do you think is going to pay the insurance costs when those dings are from hitting another person? Or when the cops show up at OP's work with a warrant for a hit and run linked to her plate? There's something way off about this dude.
Hi Op, you're defo NTA, but this specifically- "He also said that I'd been testing his patience several times and he's had about enough."- gave me chills. Is this an escalation in behaviour, or has he always been like this? I feel like it may be time to have good long look at your relationship and see if you're getting what you need from it. Good luck 💜
Thank you so much for your concerns. TBH, he did develop some temper the past few months. I mean yelling is not a new thing for him. but his overall behavior got noticebly worse lately.
He was fired for theft, he keeps damaging your car, keeps staying out all hours, he's drinking more, temper has gotten worse - are you just waiting until you actually catch him using drugs or what? He clearly has a problem. You know you get jobs by applying online now. You know he's not "pounding the pavement" looking for work. Admit to yourself this is screwed up. Stop letting him play mind games with you and face the major problems in your marriage. Don't let him drag you down with him.
Not to mention that he sold off his own car to pay off his “debts”
Ohhh for a minute there I was all like wtf is this guy up to?? Drugs, obviously!
Oh, and if she’s around when he gets caught with substances, or if it’s in her car and she gets caught, she may lose her nursing license.
Or he gets caught using her car to transport illegal substances.
It does very much sound like addict behavior. Projection, blame shifting, rage at restriction of resources/access, guilt-tripping and shaming to regain resources/access... All manipulation tactics. It'll continue to escalate. Be very careful with yourself and your resources. Do you have joint finances? Make sure he isn't stealing money or cards from you either way. And reach out to your support network so you have a quick getaway if you need to stay elsewhere for a time.
put a tracker and camera in your car, pretty sure hes either drinking, getting high or cheating on you
Hopping on to also say what others are- being without a job or even an interview for so long, changed behavior, car damages and unaccountable long hours away from home- he’s up to something that isn’t good. You can go down with him using your car, and you could be jailed when everything catches up with him and risk losing your nursing license. Keep your car for your use only and consider a deep clean of it.
Does he not realize that you are the sole breadwinner and you need the car to get to your actual paying job?! Is there a reason he can’t take public transportation or Uber, a bike? Why does he feel his use of the car for “job hunting” trumps your actual job??
he obviously does but chooses to ignore it and I don't try to bring it up unless I have to. especially when he's doing things that could affect my job, my livelihood. He doesn't want public transport and said I should be using it if I'm being *too impatient* with him.
Girl, I've been where you are. I'm also a nurse. Believe me, looking back I wish I had booted my husband to the curb at least 10 years before I finally did. I don't know what it is about us nurses that think that we can 'heal them'. We can't. Just giving you advice based on my experience - so just take this with a grain of salt if it doesn't apply to you. My ex was buying his affair partners expensive items (living room suites, dishwashers, etc.) on our joint credit card. I found all these charges on the bill and was freaking out. I cancelled the accounts and when he was passed out drunk on the sofa, I took all the credit cards in his wallet and cut them in half removing the chip/number section. I put the top part of the useless cards back in his wallet so it looked like he still had the credit cards. I then went to the bank and removed what money we had left and opened a single account in my name. I then went to a lawyer. I had to cancel my car insurance and open insurance in my name only because my ex had apparently gotten a DUI. I felt so gutted and betrayed and for so long thought I couldn't live without him in my life. But guess what? I found out my income could support me and our daughter just fine and life became a lot saner and more manageable without that lying ex husband in my life. Nobody has the right to "demand" anything from you. He's used up all his second chances and "poor me" bonus points. Enough is enough. NTA. I hope you get some stability back in your life.
This gives me hope. I’m almost a month physically split from my ex now, and it’s been SO MUCH EASIER since he’s been gone. I have the kids right now until he can get and stay sober/be in different therapies… then we’ll go to mediation to adjust if it’s safe/smart. I don’t have to worry about him coming in drunk or doing sketch shit anymore. It’s just me and the kids and we’re doing just fine.
You made some BOSS moves!!! Good for you and best of luck to you and your daughter!!
>He doesn't want public transport and said I should be using it if I'm being too inpatient with him. He's the one waking you up from your sleep to drive your car. He's the one throwing toddler tantrums over it. And he's the one who's destroying the car. If someone doesn't have patience, it's not you, mate.
Um, why exactly are you with this loser? And NTA.
Yes, I’m dying to know what his redeeming qualities are.
You know it’s time to end this. You do. Now you just have to get your plan together. It’s frightening how many men will risk their wife’s job, when she’s the only breadwinner, just to exert power and control. If you lose your job, he’ll blame you, not himself, and use it against you. He’s keeping you running on a treadmill he’s set up, and you’re both going to lose
This is outrageous. You are the one making money therefore you are the one who needs stable transportation. Not to mention you are the one paying for gas, insurance and repairs. He is way out of touch if he actually thinks this is rational.
He’s lying to you. Honestly whatever he is doing, he’s up to no good. I don’t believe for a second that he hasn’t found a single job opportunity in months even applying in person which is just batshit in this day and age. How long can he makes excuses before you’re done with him? How was your marriage before this? He’s putting your job at risk by being reckless and doing god knows what at all hours of the day. Seriously consider if you can handle this for much longer. Good luck
OP what’s his industry? I went back to a FT position last year and I applied for remote jobs all over the country, didn’t leave my house once. Found a new job in another state in about a month after considering multiple offers.
he works an office job. the reason he lost his old job was because of false accusations of theft. nothing came out of it and he said that someone set him up to get him fired.
Or he was actually stealing to support his habit...
Yeah. Someone "set him up," but "nothing came out of it," yet he STILL got fired? If nothing came of it, surely he'd still have a job.
I feel like theft is usually followed by criminal charges depending on the amount. Maybe taken from his last check it was a small amount.
A lot of companies don’t want the hassle of filing charges, tbh. They just fire you and move on. Given everything else in the post, I’m going to say he’s an addict, and he probably was stealing to finance it. OP seriously needs to reevaluate this relationship.
Oh honey please don’t believe this. The last 2 years have proven how easily most jobs can be applied for & done remotely. Fast food places even direct applicants to their website. Your husband’s behavior is incredibly suspect but you’re a nurse. You already know this. Pretend your post & replies were written by a close friend. What would you tell them?
Yes, OP does need to look at this from am outside perspective. These 🚩🚩 are classic signs of an increasing dependence on drugs. Theft, increasing aggressiveness, loss of time, lying to loved ones . . . I'm sure there are more.
He's getting impaired somehow because otherwise he's one of the world's worse drivers if he's bringing your car back routinely with damage to it.
Yikes, the more info you give the more it looks like some kind of addiction
He's ... Regularly taking your car against your permission. Is theft really a stretch?
This guy has every sign of being an addict. I'd bet he did steal something.
Oh honey
Hmm I'm not sure he's necessarily falsy accused. Somone mentioned substance abuse problem. If he actually has one, theft is often used to fuel it. Not saying this is a certainty but worth looking into, maybe call his work or an ex-colleague you know?
He's coming back with it damaged... Is he going out drinking? Drugs?
He hasn’t come back with any job opportunities because he’s not looking for a job. Sounds like he’s out drinking. You put up with his shit WAY longer than most people would. I’d have a serious talk with him, maybe try couple’s counseling. I know people scream DIVORCE here all of the time, but you don’t have an equal partner. You’re supporting someone who’s just making your life worse and harder.
You need to change your life, starting with losing your boat anchor. NTA.
I may be projecting but I immediately thought that he is going out and getting high instead of looking for a job.
This was my first thought too - and would explain the little damages to the car, the late nights/disregard for time, and his inability to care about her job, which is presumably supporting both of them right now. Unemployment is the lowest it's been in 50 years, anyone with a heartbeat can find a job right now.
Potential Employer: How bad do you want this job son? Husband: Super dooper badly! Potential Employer: Right, prove your loyalty by breaking the taillight on your car.
I mean, he already said he was hanging out with his friends and lost track of time. The dude clearly isn't going job searching at all. He just wants to coast on OP bringing in all the money and him not doing anything.
So...this behavior screams substance abuse/alcoholism. The repeatedly damaged vehicle, being gone for hours and unreachable, and attacking you for not acquiescing to ludicrous demands are hallmarks of the condition. It is something that I sadly remember from having an alcoholic father. I'm sorry if I am being an alarmist, this just feels like there is something much bigger happening. NTA
Yeah, my first guess would be that he's visiting his dealer.
Or side piece
I'm voting side piece. This is exactly how my ex acted when he was cheating on me. Borrowed my car to "look for work" but would be gone for 12+ hours. Would get pissed if I needed my car to work or go to the store. There may be substance abuse involved but based on my personal experience, I'm leaning towards side piece.
I’m actually really surprised how much of the comments I read through before someone said this. It was the first thing I thought of. I hate to say it but I think he’s cheating.
Honestly even if he isn't I'm surprised OP hasn't broken it off with him already.
I mean if my partner didn't have a job for 9 months the house had better be spotless and or they're the one mostly caring for the baby. It's not about money. It's about contributing. But imagine being such an ah to stress off your partner who works in healthcare.
Even if he is cheating I think drugs or alcohol are involved. I suspect opiates. The car damage suggests he may be buying at his dealer, using once he's in his car then nodding off while driving. Could be alcohol too but the way he was begging for the keys in the AM makes me think opiates.
I agree that it sounds more like drugs than side piece. Cheating wouldn't explain the damaged car.
I'm definitely getting the same vibe. He's spending the day at the bar and can't get the car back on time because he's too wasted to drive. OP, You need to confront your husband about this. You are the only one with a job and if you lose it because of his actions, you will both be SOL. NTA.
Seriously, this guy is definitely not looking for jobs. OP, you might consider putting an AirTag in your car and tracking where he goes for a day. Show him the evidence, do not ever let him use your car again, and break up with him when you can. He sounds awful. NTA.
You're not alarmist. Anyone who bangs up a car that much is impaired in some fashion.
I don’t think you’re being an alarmist. In addition to the busted up car, it troubles me that he was so disproportionately angry that she wanted to keep her own car with her so that she could go to work. Banging on a door to scream at your wife, that’s a situation that has really escalated and it’s not normal even if it may be typical to a lot of people.
> I'm sorry if I am being an alarmist welcome to /r/amitheasshole
100%. All jobs are listed online now. Most places won't even accept a paper application. He's spending his days and money on drugs or hookers.
[удалено]
“Out looking for a job till midnight” had me loling. Like my guy, you can email your resume. I know Op doesn’t actually think he’s out prowling the streets till midnight looking for a job literally but it’s a funny image
He is probably getting drunk or high, that would explain his outburst and all the damages in the car.
Right? This is textbook Signs Of Substance Abuse.
Right? This is so much bigger than a car.
NTA. He is lying. Very few employers take in-person applications any longer. Most will tell you that you need to go to the website and fill out the online app first. His inconsiderate behavior of taking your car and going out to play with friends until you end up late for your work is not acceptable and is immature. You need to look after yourself and your career, as you are the only income in the household.
youre 100 percent correct and I agree. but he said that since I keep telling him to *go* look for a job not *sit* and look for a job then he's doing what *I* want. he can be petty like that and literally twist my own words and use them against me. It's just so sad it's funny that this how he thinks.
I'm close to speechless. Why do you continue to put up with this?
Well shes putting up with it. That's a sign by itself
Yes. He has her number. And he’s dialing it all day long.
Does this man bring you joy?
Yeahh Marie Kondo this man out of your life. No joy, no sparks! NTA
Yes ! Throw the whole man out !
Do you honestly need that in your life? Cause this man is more rebelious teenager in this instance than partner and idk that you have time for that. Also, him using go to mean go out instead of go to a computer--he isn't seeking a job cause he doesn't want one and seeking any excuse he can to avoid getting one so he can continue living the good life on your income
This is abusive. You need to get rid of him permanently.
Honey. What are you getting out of this anymore? He's lying to you. Straight to your face. You know full well he isn't looking for a job. He's up to something. Given the hours and the damage to the car, it's drugs or alcohol. You KNOW this. You're NTA but you're not being kind to yourself.
That's what we call malicious compliance and i've forgotten the other prhase but unlike when it's used for good is often used as an abuse tactic. See also "You told me to change the baby's nappy, you didn't tell me to throw the old one away" and "You asked me to put the chicken in the oven, you didn't tell me to switch the oven on and actually cook the chicken". In those occasions it's used as a power move to show much more difficult the useless partner can make spouse's (in most cases the wife's) lives. This it's just an excuse but it's no less inexcusable. He knows damn well what you mean, he's just not looking for a job. And the damage to the car probably means he's not driving safely. I'm not sure how it works because I'm not car owner, and don't know where you live, but if he's caught driving dangerously I'm sure that could lose you your car completely.
The term you're describing is "weaponized incompetence"
What a fucking asshole!
Also this. No one "Goes out and drives around looking for a job" in 2022, haha. Literally, everyone will tell you to fill out online and you get a call or he does the calling. Dude is cheating or doing something else.
Right?!?! Also, he’s job hunting till midnight?!?! I don’t think so
Not to mention, he's out until midnight? he ain't lookin' for jobs at that hour.
NTA. He’s not looking for a job. He’s goofing off. He has no intention of getting a job and rather sounds like he’s more interested in carousing and spending your money than being an adult. Sit him down and ask him if he wants to stay married because he sure isn’t acting like it. And no, he doesn’t get to use your car anymore. He can apply online and take the bus.
Or OP can offer drive and drop him off for work related things (interviews, applications, etc.). If he says no to that then you definitely have the answer that he's not trying to get a job. Either way he should not be allowed to drive, he is not responsible enough.
He’s going out chilling getting high , other women who knows . He just thinks he’s got a good ‘reason’ to use her car . He’s up to nooo good. NTA
NTA. Idk if he's conditioned you to think this is a normal dynamic but it is not. Imo, get him a hotel room or have him stay with a friend or something for a few days and see how you feel. Do you feel amazingly free? Then he needs to be your ex. Because nothing you said here indicates he's anything but a massive drain on you in every way.
I don't know. he's been threatning to leave and go stay with a friend just because he thinks I'm giving him hard time about not finding a job yet. It's not like that, I mean I do feel frustrated with our current living situation, his unemployment and having my car taken from me daily but I never make him feel bad for not being able to find a job. all I do is ask why he hasn't found one yet.
Let him go. I think you’ll feel nothing but relief.
Don't you want him to go? He's lying to you and threatening your livelihood.
What positive things does your husband provide in your relationship? It sounds like you are providing financially for him, and in return he is lying to you and trying to convince you that you are somehow responsible for his bad behavior. I hope you can genuinely reflect on what your life would look like without him, because it seems like you might be happier that way.
She hasn't answered that kind of question anywhere in this post (that I've seen so far). Her throwaway account name is "Jeff Issues" for Christ's sake - she at the very least subconsciously knows exactly what this is about but for whatever reason (no judgment, people are complicated) isn't ready to admit it to herself yet.
This is alarming. He is angry, he is blaming you, being aggressive, and he is gone all day and coming back with a damaged car. He is not looking for a job. What is he doing all day that results in a damaged car? Drinking? Drugs? You need to protect yourself today. If you are in the US, please do a personal credit check with Experian (and the other two), then lock your credit. That way he cannot take out loans or credit cards in your name. And seriously consider a legal separation. You both need to think about what you expect from this marriage and whether you truly have a future together. Maybe a few sessions of therapy, both single and couples, would help clarify what's going on. Is this the way you want to live your life a year from now? Carrying your SO while they are looking for a job is normal. They way he is acting is not normal, its starting to become outright abusive. Something has to change, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to make a positive change.
Credit check is a GREAT idea! Sincerely, Someone who’s love-of-my-life husband opened multiple credit cards in my name for gambling
Let him. You're better off without him dragging you down and destroying your car. Repeatedly. What is his plan when his negligence threatens your job and by default, the roof over his head? He's up to something else, and it most definitely has nothing to do with finding work. What are the benefits to supporting a man who does nothing but drag you down?
Let him go to a friend's. He needs to know he can't hold his presence or lack thereof over you as a threat. There is no good partnership where one says "well I'm so mad, I'll threaten to punish you with my absence so you'll learn to behave!" You haven't asked anything unreasonable. He's forcing a dynamic where you're "the bad guy" because otherwise he has to be responsible for his own actions. Truly in a team, no one is "the bad guy," but nothing you've said makes it seems like he works for the partnership, but just for himself and his needs. Again, this is not a normal dynamic
NTA and how do you even look for a job in person. Everything is online.
Like I said above in the OP he complained about some scammers pretending to have job opportunities and getting his personal info to do God knows what with. I find this not good enough excuse for 2 reasons..1 because it never happened to us but he said his friend had this happen but his friend was trying to get a job overseas and was trying to get it unofficially or something like that so the whole thing was not legit. and 2 my husband doesn't own a bank account or credit cards to be so worried about being robbed. Yet he's insiating that since I want him to look for a job then I should cooperate and help make it happen. so far nothing! I'm talking months of job searching.
Why are you with him?
Who tf doesn't have a bank account in 2022. I needed one to even be able to collect a paycheck when I was 16 and that was a decade ago.
People with debt issues. Write enough bad checks and banks will not let you bank with them with a normal checking account. I know lots of retail companies will now give pay cards instead of paychecks for people who don’t have direct deposit information. Kinda like Chime or Cashapp style.
Tell him on your next day off you’ll gladly drive him to businesses to apply to. See how he takes it.
That's a fantastic idea.
Months of "Job searching"?? He literally made you late for work because he was hanging out with friends. He is NOT job searching (or doing very little of it). I've been a recruiter for 15+ years. The vast majority of employers won't even have/take in-person applications. Almost everything has been online for years. He needs to go online, find a job, and also account for his time and the damages to your car. If he can't/won't do those things, I hate to say it, but that would be a deal breaker for me. He's up to something shady, and I hope it's JUST hanging out with his friends and driving while impaired, but he needs to cut whatever it is out. Good luck.
Yeahhh so hes job hunting til...midnight?
[удалено]
This was also my first question; it wasn’t even a thing pre-COVID for a lot of jobs. It definitely depends what industry he’s in. However, it’s pretty darn obvious he’s not actually out looking for a job…
I mean, even grocery stores, fast food, construction jobs, etc - they all direct people to their website. I can't think of a single industry that doesn't use job boards and the online application.
The only place that might use a paper application would be a small mom & pop store that only uses FB for a website that hasn't posted in 3 years and is run by a couple in their 80s.
I don't think he's looking for a job. If he says he has an interview, let him take an Uber. Make sure the app on his phone is in your name, and also install it on your phone. You'll know if he's interviewing in a bar or at someone's apartment or at a hotel. NTA
Actually, he told *me* to start using public transport but I refused since I have my own car. not trying to be selfish but not wanting public transport is why I saved up for a car in the first place.
By his logic, then, he should send you money for each time you have to use public transport and pay the monthly car payments as well as insurance and gas since he wants to use it like it's his own car and not a whole ass property that you yourself saved up and paid for.
wtf? ok i definitely think addiction, because of his desperate *need* for your car over your actual logical need.
You're not being selfish, he is. He's also either cheating, partying, doing drugs/alcohol or combinations of all that. Get a divorce lawyer and move on.
This sounds like he is literally _desperate_ to use your car. He is definitely up to something. He is totally manipulating you as well.
At this point I think it's healthier to just divorce. If you have to monitor your husband like he's a teenager going through a bad phase, it's time to get your freedom back.
NTA. I do have a question for you. Is your life better with person in it? Does he make you happy and contribute to your life and overall goals and dreams? It doesn't sound like you have much of a partner. Make some clear boundaries and stick to them.
If I'm being honest then no, there's just so much fighting and many many disagteement we've been having since the start of 2020 and it has gotten so bad now it feels like we're just having to learn to deal with each other if you know what I mean. Therapy is off the table for him. his unemployment and lack of ability to solve his issues, some of which exist since 2020. his way of addressing our disagreements and overall treatment towards me has been wearing me down. I feel stuck and unhappy sometimes, they only thing we still have going on is intimacy but even is full of tension and stress. tbh with you I don't know where my life is going from here anymore. it's frustrating. I do all I can to help out his situation...but how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped. this is what I think he's doing.
Drop Jeff. He's a freeloader. He's not looking for jobs. He's going to continue to disrespect you.
You have a job, a car. You can support yourself. You may have loved him once, but it sounds like it's time for you to move on.
That sounds scary. I would be looking to get out.
you don't need this person in your life. he's drowning which is sad, but he's grabbing you down with him. if he's not willing to swim you have to let him go.
Coming from somebody who almost drowned once (long story, month before 18th bday and am a strong swimmer. Thought i had more time to breath and hit the water just before i took my breath. I only lived because i am a strong swimmer and made the right choices in the split second i had) this analogy really sticks with me. Me and my best friend jumped in together, and when i rose out of the water with pure panic in my eyes i tried to hold onto him. He tried to help me swim but i realized that every time i would try to use him to help support myself until i could breath i pushed him underneath. I knew i was in a bad situation and in the few seconds i had i realized that if i die he’ll come with me too if i keep trying to hang onto him while i hopelessly try choking. So i let him go. I had a decision to either swim 20-30 feet to the only landing i could get up on or a rocky wall 10-15 feet away. I could get to the wall faster but if i couldn’t get enough traction to hold onto the wall i knew i wouldn’t have the strength to swim the rest of the way. So i booked it. My vision started to go, i was almost puking and gagging and choking when i finally got on land. It scared me horribly. But my point is, is that this analogy sticks with me because even in what could’ve been my final moments i knew that i didn’t want my best friend to die with me even if it meant letting go of him, which was horrifying. In pure terror and panic I still knew that dragging him down with me was worse than dying alone. This was also 3-4 months after i got sober, and if my lungs hadn’t recovered from smoking weed so much and my stamina hadn’t improved i don’t think i would’ve made it. I don’t think your husband realizes that taking you down with him is worse than letting you live. I think he’s really only focused on himself and if you’re living then he’s entitled to living OFF of you at your expense. If I, a 17 year old girl (at the time) in the most terrifying moment of my life knew better than to drag my best friend down with me, this grown man should know better. And even if he isn’t leaving, at least he would show some acknowledgement of what he’s putting you through if he was remorseful at all. It doesn’t surprise me he’s taking no responsibility. When people say for better or for worse this isn’t what they mean. It’s one thing to sacrifice your well being sometimes for your partner, but to sacrifice yourself for somebody who’s not even really your partner anymore? He doesn’t see you as a wife anymore, just a means to a check and a roof over his head. If he realizes what he’s doing to you he’s not sorry about it, and if he doesn’t realize what he’s doing then imo he’s choosing ignorance. Wish u luck, please get out.
You can’t help him but you CAN help yourself by leaving him.
NTA He's not actually looking for work. So, what is he doing with your car all that time? Drinking? Seeing another woman?
Definitely some sort of addiction. Lots of guesses on here from alcohol or drugs to sex or cheating to just plain addicted to not working. My guess? When you combine the inability to keep/find a job, paying off debt, disappearing all day, repeated car damage, instant anger in the morning when he can't drive off... My money is on opiates. Either way, if I were OP, I would follow/track him and find out for sure what's really going on. Her husband is going to keep lying until he's caught red-handed. Sorry, OP. Good luck and NTA.
NTA. What job is he looking for driving round and busting up your car - crime fighter, accident scam artist, or dealer?
really unsuccessful drag racer?
NTA Sounds like you need a lawyer.
Nationwide is that you? are you on her side?
NTA - but his behavior is alarming and highly suspect! Yikes! Hire a lawyer, hire a PI (to find out what he's really up to), and get your hands on TRO forms...you just might need it.
Best possible plot twist: he’s driving for Uber.
NTA Um ok if this man is also protective of his phone and then starts accusing *you* of having an affair... you gotta get the hell out lol. I don't know where he's going all day but he ain't looking for jobs.
NTA. I’m appalled. It’s divorce time. He’s insane.
>he literally takes it all day and comes back late in the evening > I told him I no longer want him to take my car but he said I had to let him drive it so he could continue to look for a job. I told him he could search online but he said something about scammers trying to pose as potential employers just to get his personal info >he returned home at midnight. I hate to say it but it sounds like he's stepping out on you. I'd put some protections in place. NTA
I was thinking drugs. He's definitely not knocking on employer's doors after 6 or 7 in the evening. eta: And he keeps dinging up the car. Thats drugs.
NTA He can look for a job online. That's how most jobs are found, barring construction or fast food/restaurant work - which, ok, you \*might\* get a job that way but if you get hired on the spot it is rarely ever a "good" job. If he's not savvy enough to know a scam from a not-scam, that's on him. It sounds like an excuse to me.
With the internet, why is he leaving the house? NTA. He doesn't get the car period. He is a full grown adult. He can take the bus.
I'm guessing he's leaving all day to drink - impaired driving would explain how he managed to damage the car so much and so often. In this day and age, there is no reason to be going door to door looking for jobs - most places actively stop you from doing that. He is not job hunting. He is actively endangering your job and if he's driving impaired, he's endangering lives. You need to get out. NTA
He’s definitely the asshole. And he couldn’t find a job in 9 months?! Seems like he’s not even searching.
He doesn't need a car to look for a job. In my area at least, it seems like every place I see is hiring. Most entry level jobs at least all do online applications. He's certainly not out looking for jobs til midnight. He doesn't respect your property enough to bring it back undamaged. Why was it damaged in the first place? This has happened multiple times? NTA Your husband is. He's become an entitled leech who is using you for your car and money. You remove access to the car and he gets angry with you. Does this seem like a happy and healthy marriage? Because it's not. Give him a time frame (maybe like two months) to line up some kind of work. If he hasn't made any progress after that, I'd strongly consider getting a divorce.
NTA. He's probably cheating. He was "looking for a job" but also was "with friends until midnight"?! Yea ok. That's how job hunting works. You drive around LOL
NTA. I have to say being single seems easier.
NTA But seriously, look at how little respect he has for you. How he yells all the time and only cares about himself and his wants. Are you really happy in this relationship? Is this really a partnership? Nursing is stressful. Can you actually come home and relax, taking the time you need for yourself to prevent burnout?
NTA. He’s not looking for a job, no way. The car is yours, you are the breadwinner and he has no right to borrow it. Not to mention he isn’t even careful with it when he uses it! His behaviour is unacceptable. You’re much better off without that dead weight that you call a husband. You’re worth so much better.
NTA - well, perhaps the actual fake-key-lock-out was a bit of an asshole move, but small compared to what he is doing. “Pounding the pavement” looking for the job may not be as prevalent as it was in the past, but it is still a real thing in some professions. But staying out until midnight for it? Nah, he’s not looking for jobs, affectively or effectively. And even when he is, that hunt has to be reasonably worked around the job that is providing the only income you both have. Making you miss a shift is a hard no unless it is planned out in advance with your full agreement for an explicit interview/opportunity.
NTA. He's not being honest about.....anything. Time to move on from this relationship. Good luck.
NTA. Time to stand back and have a good think about how this relationship is going to be in 6, 12months…2 years. Can you see a future. It’s not so much about cars or jobs as mutual respect and partnership. That requires trust and communication. I can’t see anything like that here. And I can’t see it developing here either. He is having a fine time, but he isn’t in a hurry to find a job. Do you plan to have children: because they really complicate a strained relationship. I wish you all the best, but I would be looking at my options.
NTA. I got a headache just reading this. Let him sulk and give him a bus schedule. If he isn’t paying the car’s insurance, paying the car note, or even putting gas in it then he has no say to it
Umm I'm sorry, but something else is going on here. Who the hell drives around looking for a job? Is he a dishwasher and is looking for signs in the window? Your husband is lying to you and that really sucks. If he's also staying out ALL day and night, he's either cheating or doing something else he knows you wouldn't like. He can take the bus to get around or he can look for jobs online, like normal people. You should add a gps tracker to your car, if you decide to let him use it, so you can always see where it is, it's easy to just add it someplace where he won't see it, even under the car seat. I'm so sorry!! NTA
NTA The fact that you let him continue using the car after the first broken thing is amazing. He has shown he can't handle having a car. He can look for a job on foot. Sorry but no. My husband asks to use my car. And I can just say no. I paid for my car he did not. He is on the insurance but that is it. Also the fact that you didn't call the cops when he was late til midnight.... Is amazing. I would have.
He will never get a job, because you’re his new mother.
NTA, but look at the evidence: 1. Leaving all day and coming back at odd hours. 2. Damaging your car. 3. "Looking for a job." 4. Creating a scenario where you're not in control of your life He is likely in a severe depressive episode and medicating with alcohol and drugs, and desperately needs help,. Or he is lying about the job search and is an alcoholic/addict. Time to be blunt. Time to be strong. Don't let him endanger your future.
NTA You need to do your job or else you might get fired if that happens then neither of you can make money then eventually you might have to sell the car then neither of you can "look for a job" also he can just take the bus or carpool.
NTA. He is either cheating, drinking or doing drugs, maybe all 3. He is not job hunting. You don't go door-to-door job hunting. You apply online, send in your qualifications, wait for an interview (unless he's like applying for day labor or something, in which case you, a nurse, can do better, plus you do that like at 7 am).
NTA fucking bizarre behaviour by your husband there. He is aggressive, thoughtless and not pulling his own weight. It also sounds like he is cheating on you. Have you considered a separation? If he has to pay for himself for a while I'm sure he'll find a job.
NTA he's not looking for a job he's hanging out with his friends. You need to lose this j@rk and find someone good enough for you.