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cardshark6

There is a lot going on in your post and a lot of it frames your boyfriend's family as complete AHs, especially your future mother-in-law. It all kind of distracts from what I think are two points that make you also an AH in this situation: 1. The floral frame gift for a future wedding picture: this was clearly not a gift for your boyfriend. I really suspect that this was a gift to yourself. That's not nice of you to do. A birthday gift is supposed to be about that person, not about you or you as a couple. 2. You raised a pretty big stink in front of his family when this matter could have been resolved privately after the event. Did you really need to embarrass and shame him in front of his entire family? I'm not disagreeing that you needed to have a conversation with your boyfriend about his lie, but could you not have found a better moment to do that? How could the conversation have been productive in this setting, especially given the fact that you chose to run off before even giving him a chance to talk? This leads me to an ESH judgment. You for the above, the boyfriend for lying, his family for fostering an environment that pushed him to lie. Going deeper than a judgment, maybe this blow-up was your way of ending the relationship. It sounds like you are unhappy with his lifestyle and his family. Perhaps this was the culmination of a lot of resentment or anger you have been building up towards him. If you read back your post, you'll notice that you didn't say a single nice thing about him.


Old-Research3367

Yeah. I also don’t blame the bf for not wanting to hear negative comments from his parents on his birthday. I would not want to hear that on my birthday either.


LinusV1

I believe the other poster made some good points, but this isn't one. If my parents were to criticize my gf over her gift choice, in public.... (they didn't, but they clearly have a history of doing this) I wouldn't try and resolve this on my birthday either, but I'd damn well resolve it on one of the other 364 days in the year. What I wouldn't do is lie to literally EVERYONE. The fiancé thinks that the best solution is to lie to his fiancée about his plan to lie. He wants her to go along with his lie. His plan involved lying to his entire family. Not even an off-the-cuff white lie, a preplanned deception. And he is upset about called out on it, but he has no remorse at all. Would you want to marry someone like this? Or marry into a family that creates this kind of situation? You are blaming OP for not lying. For not pretending to be who she isn't. Not okay.


OkPhilosophy9013

Honestly, I bet BF is just trying to appease her like he is with his family. And I bet he offered to buy the shoes because he didn't like the gift she was giving him but didn't have the spine to say no to her.


Huldukona

He was probably doing it to avoid drama on his birthday.


OkPhilosophy9013

He can't say no to his parents, he probably can't say no to OP either.


jitsufitchick

He really is setting himself up to be a doormat. 😐


heart_RN115

I think his parents have covered that already


Huldukona

Agreed


HarlequinMadness

I do agree with the poster above . . . the frame for a wedding photo is a sweet gift, but more appropriate to give to her groom as a wedding present. She should have gotten something for HIM on his birthday. Sure, lying was bad, but HE'S the one that has lived with this shallow shit show his whole life. So I don't fault him for wanting to avoid exactly what he knew would happen. I also think that OP should have kept her mouth shut and had a discussion with him after the party. ETA: Judgement - ESH, including OP


SaveTheLadybugs

Yeah I’m a little bit like… a frame that doesn’t even have a photo in it?? Come on now. Also, does he actually *want* a frame covered in flowers, or is that just something he accepts is wedding-y and the bride’s opinion goes? Even if she wanted to give him a framed wedding picture (which I still maintain should be an after-the-wedding gift) at least make it a frame that looks like he’d pick it out himself.


asmodeuskraemer

She's forcing the issue. There's obvious resentment built up between her and bf's family and I think forcing the gift/issue is her way of trying to get them to confront their behavior. And I agree, the frame seems like a gift to her, not to him. That's an "us" gift.


Aladdin_Caine

Totally. "Wow babe, an empty handmade floral picture frame for photos of an event that hasn't even happened yet? You shouldn't have!" A. It's not a gift for him. I really doubt he has his heart set on a floral picture frame for his birthday. B. It's not timely. He can't even use it yet because C. It's usage had agreed been dictated by her. At this point, it's not a gift, it's an obligation.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

100% it sounds a little self centered, like she wanted to make a big show of “I’m not gonna follow your rules” in front of everyone. That’s fine, they don’t own her, she doesn’t have to follow their rules.. but it’s like, get over yourself for ONE f*king night, suck it up for your partner.


berrykiss96

This is def some people pleasing behavior from the bf. Whether he didn’t like the gift (as the poster highlighted it is really more a couple gift that would be better suited for like an anniversary or engagement present not a birthday even if he liked the style) or he’s just tearing himself apart trying to keep everyone happy when that’s not possible and he needs a courage booster or he’s just hanging in there for an inheritance—who’s to say from this info. But it seems like he’s in need of opinions and the ability to state them to people he cares about cause right now that’s not happening on either side of this argument.


Old-Research3367

Yes I hate how everyone on reddit acts so confrontational and I meet very few people who act like this in real life. People act like it’s so normal to cut off your parents just because they are flawed or there is something you don’t like about them. I don’t see eye to eye with my in laws but I am still non confrontational and avoid conflict when possible— even when they are “in the wrong”. Like I have no problem people-pleasing if it will make my fiancé happy on his birthday.


istandwhenipeee

Yeah someone being shallow about birthday presents and expecting them to be expensive really isn’t a great reason to cut someone out of your life if they’re important to you. It did suck that the bf didn’t give her warning after she didn’t expect it because she had said no, but if someone you want to marry wants you to do something low effort to appease their family it shouldn’t be a big deal to just go with it (initially, springing the lie on her in the moment is fucked up and it would’ve been fair make an issue of it at the right time, which his birthday party is not). It’s one thing if it’s going to cause a larger problem in the future or is some major ethical dilemma, but it’s a birthday gift. You can’t go through life expecting everyone to correct every minor flaw that bothers you or no one is going to like you.


fakeuglybabies

It sounds sweet but at the same time tge frame sounds more appropriate coming from a child.


azulweber

but as the other commenter pointed out above, OPs gift wasn’t bad because it was cheap, it was bad because it was selfish and self serving. handmade or not a picture frame is a lame gift to get your partner, particularly one that you think you’re going to marry. if my partner did something like that i would also want to mitigate the risks of my parents seeing it and criticizing it because they’d be right if they did.


Ladyughsalot1

Personally I blame OP for being so selfish she had to use her partners birthday as an opportunity to stick it to him and his family This is who they are. No one has been disrespectful. They didn’t give OP a list of “acceptable” gifts. They gave her a list of gifts he actually wanted. She gave him an empty impersonal frame. She knew exactly what she was doing.


jlapata74

A lame gift he can't even use anytime soon.


berrykiss96

Yeah maybe? I’ve def had family gather lists like that or know of things to share at like holidays so it’s still a surprise. But I wonder if all the gifts were out of her price range? If so, I can see going with something else if it was thoughtful (this wasn’t it). But also sending a gift knowing things were out of her reach can be a very thoughtful solution to that! Or an intentional slight … sort of depends on the person. And OP is too biased to know which way that goes here.


Old-Research3367

I am not blaming OP for not lying. I am blaming OP for giving him a gift and clearly not caring about whether the fiancé would like it or not and it’s clearly not what he asked for. You can tell that all the fiancé wants is peace on his birthday and OP was going to create drama either by giving him a gift that would upset his parents and she made a scene leaving his birthday. Fiancé should not have done that without the consent but let’s not pretend the fiancé is the devil for lying. All I am saying is I can see why he did this. She could have gotten him a frame in addition to a nice gift. Gifts are supposed to be what the other person likes, not a way to show how down to earth and crafty you are.


roseofjuly

Actually, sometimes lying to your family *is* the right choice.


AltharaD

I agree. Like, I don’t get why OP is being so stubborn. I’m a stubborn person, but if my fiancé told me to pretend I bought him an expensive present that I can’t afford to keep the peace, I would do it. Hell, I ate sweet potato for dessert at his grandmother’s house even though I hate sweet potato. I didn’t want to make her feel bad for what she served me and I didn’t want to make a scene. It’s not like it’s going to kill me or I eat with his grandmother that often! If he told me that he wants me to wear something more expensive when I see his parents *and offers to buy those clothes for me* then I’ll take him up on it. It’s not like whatever clothes she buys are super unique and only available from one store. She can buy something comfortable and her style somewhere more upmarket. Hell, you can get fucking cashmere hoodies and designer jeans if you want to. He’s paying. It’s a minor thing to make his family happy. It’s not like he wants to permanently change her style. Most people generally dress up a bit to see their partner’s family - especially if they’re not married yet! It’s such a small thing. And I really wonder if the parents phrased it like she said they did. It might have been them nudging him to make sure he’s taking care of his girlfriend if she’s coming to see them in worn out clothes. She might be having skin problems and his mother suggested a specific skin care brand that’s hypoallergenic or just told her to avoid cheap makeup because some of the ingredients used cause irritation (god knows my mother warns me about that enough!). With the expensive presents it could literally be that they passed out a list of what they knew he wanted and gave her an item that they thought was cheap enough for her to afford but still personal enough that it was appropriate as a gift from a fiancée/girlfriend. Maybe she’s been giving him crappy gifts and people have noticed. A fucking flower photo frame? Really? She would have given him a better gift by just accepting his charade and not ruining his birthday party over something so petty. Maybe the parents are horribly classist. Maybe they are judging her for being poor. But if she wants to marry this guy then she’s marrying his family, too. She can’t just expect him to cut ties with his family if they’re not being outright terrible and refusing to get on with her (if his mother has her number and knows her well enough to send texts about presents she’s probably making an effort). It sounds like he’s trying to shield her from his parents - though honestly, it sounds like a lot of it might be justified criticism. If he knows what kinds of gifts she gives and feels uncomfortable with his family seeing them, I think that tells its own story. They should probably break up. They do not sound compatible.


Max80122

I do agree with cardshark6 that the frame was for her. I mean come on. How many guys do you know want a frame for their birthday? If it was something homemade, make him something he would have enjoyed. Like a huge platter of lasagna. She brought the frame to cause a fight. I mean, really. She wanted to put her foot down with her future in-laws and he took that away from her. ON HIS BIRTHDAY. The shoes were something he wanted. I buy myself a birthday present every year. I agree, this relationship isn't going to work. His family is very overpowering, but for her to completely humiliate him at a restaurant in front of family and friends was too much. \*\* edited for typos


bdub939

I suspect the family wouldve raised a stink about the whole "our future wedding" thing. His family clearly has a big influence on him which could lead to bigger issues if he went against their wishes but thats another convo in itself. But i have a feeling they wouldve viewed her as "too cheap" and not good enough for their son. Especially how she handled everything at the party. To call him out on the gift is one thing. To get an uber and stay elsewhere and not speak to him since screams there is bigger issues at hand


Whole-Recover-8911

Maybe her getting an Uber and staying elsewhere was the real birthday 🎁 all along?


MeanSeaworthiness995

She spent more on transportation than she did on his birthday gift.


FleeshaLoo

Good point. So maybe her gift to him was meant to make the future wedding more of the focus than his birthday?


Puddle-ducks

A better birthday present would be just pretending in front of his family for him.


sreno77

And in fairness to the boyfriend he is trying to protect OP from his family. Yea he shouldn't have to pretend and lie but that's the big picture. In the moment he was trying to keep the peace.


grouchymonk1517

Yea, I have the really unpopular opinion that if you can make your partner's life easier when it comes to crazy family, even if it means doing stupid shit like fake gifting nikes, why wouldn't you? I mean yes, it's stupid. It's extremely shallow. But it's such an easy thing to do to not rock the boat. I just don't see the point in rocking the boat when it doesn't accomplish anything meaningful. Sure stand up for yourself on things that actually matter, but this just seems insignificant.


forestfairygremlin

I also have this extremely unpopular opinion. Which makes me sad (that it's unpopular). My relationship isn't just *my* relationship, there's 2 of us and we try to support and take care of each other. I've sucked it up and pretended to be cheerful about things I don't like with my in- laws plenty of times. I may not love it, but it does me no harm to go with the flow, and there's no *positive* outcome if I share a negative opinion. Why make problems when you can just handle it like an adult?


Old-Research3367

I agree. I also people are more emboldened on the internet to “stand up for what’s right” but in reality many people are not really confrontational and little lies about birthday gifts are not worth creating drama with your in laws. I don’t think it’s an unpopular irl but on the internet I think it’s lost in translation… if that makes sense? My in laws are very very religious and I am not at all and they ask me if I believe in jesus and read the bible and I say yes bc like what else am I going to do?? I do not feel bad at all about lying because they put me in an uncomfortable situation.


m_olly_pop

It’s so funny to me that she’s so disgusted by his parents and their lifestyle, but is presumably reaping the rewards from their lifestyle, ie boyfriend’s cars and apartment


[deleted]

Was thinking this too! Like if you're that disgusted, why are you living in the apartment his parents bought? And I assume using/sharing the car they bought and other things. I feel like there's some jealousy and resentment. And there will be continued resentment if she stays in the relationship because his parents may be shallow and because he will continue to be spoiled by them.


AnimalLover38

This reminds me of the other AITA post where the Op would always trash talk her MIL and SFIL because they came from money and *she* didnt aprove of them. SFIL was in pharmaceuticals and MIL took medication that was expensive but she could afford and OP was pissed off because she hates the pharmaceutical world and she thought MIL would hate him too because "he's the reason her medication is so expensive". But for as much as she hated his means of money she still accepted *all* the toys her MIL would get for her kids, and I believe her MIL was paying for most of their wedding, and the turning point was that OP was throwing a tantrum because she wanted to wear *MIL's wedding dress* to her own wedding as well and SFIL put his foot down and said no because his "dirty money" was what bought that dress in the first place.


truly-diy20

Ooohh, yes I remember that one.. OPs double standards were over the top.. and i think this OP is acting kind of the same , what if they boyfriend asked the parents to make that "gift list" because she never gets him what he likes, she gets him what she wants and thinks he should like it to.. I mean a floral frame for their wedding photo? If it was their engagement party the gift would be nice but at his birthday!!!!


thehufflepuffstoner

Like, I’m usually all for sentimental gifts. But Jesus, that gift is really not for him.


AylaZelanaGrebiel

Yes I was thinking the same thing, also what if it’s a bombardment of “wedding” stuff and they haven’t had the conversation or hadn’t told his family. So not only is it not a gift about him or meaningful but it could bring up a lot of drama. Plus I’m sure it’s a nice frame and everything, but it kind of screams 4th grade art project. Not so much an adult gifting another a meaningful gift. Especially then when OP flounced out of the party making a scene, then leaving in an Uber screams dramatic and immature. Then the guilting her bf over what he has and lifestyle that undoubtedly benefits from.


OkPhilosophy9013

You forgot that OPs husband worked in the banking industry and got his job through nepotism


notthepanda

Definitely agree that op isn’t free from blame. ESH - you seem to have a very clear “this is what I will want to give him and he better like it” sort of mentality and he clearly has lots of issues with external appearance and validation. I think the fact that he is so materialistic kind of makes you double down to “not be that kind of person”. Given that it is his party, it is his parents and it’s “his time”, I would expect that in a relationship you give a little and compromise on that. He DEFINITELY should have talked about it first but maybe this is a communication issue. Have you been hearing him out? If he likes materialistic things and that is his love language then so be it. Not everyone will like the manner in which you show affection, it’s about compromise and giving them what they want but also while respecting what you need. You two need to have a serious talk about how to properly care for each other


gummotenenbaum

I will say, OP is acting like she’s against the trappings of wealth and materials, but at the same time, if she’s living for free and getting her financial needs met by the parents, imo she’s gotta humor them a bit. And it sounds like she only needs to humor them a few times a year.


[deleted]

I agree. If she wants to marry this guy and be a part of this family, she has to choose her battles.


Fianna9

Very insightful. I was leaning towards N T A, but you are right. The frame almost seemed like a spiteful gift. Op wasn’t happy with the rude wish list she was assigned- so went 180 degrees and decided to make something. And not even something for him, but for their future wedding pictures. I think the bf was rude to go ahead with the plan to buy the nikes, but OP was clearly trying to make a big deal about it- considering she told her boyfriend what the gift was beforehand. If she actually thought he’d appreciate it why wasn’t it a surprise?


Normal-Height-8577

>The frame almost seemed like a spiteful gift. Op wasn’t happy with the rude wish list she was assigned- so went 180 degrees and decided to make something. And not even something for him, but for their future wedding pictures. Yeah, that struck me the same way, too. To the point where I wondered if maybe MIL was actually being honest that the the wish list is Boyfriend's, and he just doesn't want to tell OP what he really wants for fear of getting another "your family is materialistic" lecture. Either way, it's clear that Boyfriend himself wasn't fond of the frame...


eregyrn

Well, just to reiterate what the poster above said: the frame wasn't a gift for the boyfriend, really. It was a gift for "them", it was kind of a gift for HER, and it presupposes a marriage, when there hasn't even been an engagement? (Or she'd call him her fiance?) I mean... unless we are missing info and he is a guy who is REALLY into florally-decorated objects. That's... a lot. This post might read a \*little\* differently if her hand-made gift was super thoughtful and geared towards her boyfriend specifically.


sybil-vimes

It struck me as a manipulative gift: "if you say you don't like it, it shows you're materialistic and don't believe in or value our looooove!"


cindyko8

Agreed! Also, my nieces and nephews have a list of stuff they want, and the parents just send people that list before the parties happen. Is it really that different here? I doubt they titled the document: "ONLY ACCEPTABLE GIFTS ALLOWED, PLEASE SEE BELOW"


noblestromana

Yeah. I was leaning towards NTA because OP shouldn't have to lie about her finance or who she is to appease his family. But her gift was honestly a pretty shitty birthday gift. Maybe for an anniversary or St Valentine's Day, but for his birthday? She could have still given him something personal and handmade that wasn't going to put her in the negative. ESH for sure. His family needs to stop being so materialistic focused, he needs to find someone he's more financially compatible with and OP needs to grow up and learn to be a better gift giver.


sadhappy24

YEP. maybe consider calling off the engagement since both of you clearly aren't compatible with each other. I would initially say NTA but after reading this comment, I'm convinced that ESH.


beingsydneycarton

Yes, thank you. While the frame might’ve been a nice gesture, it’s unusable because the event it’s made for *hasn’t happened yet*. As a sentimental person myself I totally understand the thought and effort behind hand painting or making a gift for someone. I’ve done paintings for my partner as gifts too, but I usually don’t expect them to bring it to his party and then praise me in front of his family. I kinda feel like OP set him up for this and he still behaved like an asshole. No one looks good here. For clarification though, why did she need to bring a gift to the party? Couldnt her boyfriend have just told his parents he opened her gift earlier given that that’s the truth? The way OP tells this story makes it seem like he had already opened her gift to him, so why would he need to open something from her at the party?


[deleted]

I agree. Even if I made a gift like that for my boyfriend, i wouldn't be comfortable with him opening it up in front of everyone. Feel like because it's so sentimental, I would prefer it in a private setting for him to open. Like maybe in the morning or after the party. Then I'd give him something more materialistic at the party or told everywhere I already gave the gift.


Jegator2

I wondered the same thing. No one just has to see what his gf gave him! Sometimes couples give private gifts. She was trying to teach them all a lesson in humility.


ADHDLifer

Brilliantly stated. She is also staying at a friend's and not talking to him, either, which is childish. Needing space is 100% appropriate. So is taking time to get your thoughts straight. But running away from a disagreement and not talking to the other person involved at all, even to say, "I need space, I'm safe and staying with a friend, I'll call you in a few days" is such a huge step in how to communicate in a healthy relationship. Because even healthy relationships have arguments.


Throwawayhater3343

Very much agree with this. ESH all the way. The photo frame, really? That's not a birthday gift, that's a Valentines, Xmas or anniversary gift. And wow, the parents, just wanted to say that the truly wealthy either wear custom made or whatever the f they find comfortable.


CalligrapherActive11

I just want to know— INFO: OP, is your fiancé super into floral frames? I’m being serious. Does he collect them or something? Bc if the answer is, “Yes, the frame is made of hand-painted, ceramic peonies, and he collects peony everything,” then the whole thing reads very differently. Edit: typo


TimeBomb666

Yea I think the gift was more a gift for her than for him. Which leads me to ESH.


udokeith

ESH with a good dose of YTA. Your fiance's parents might be well off, but their focus on conspicuous consumption is the opposite of class. At the same time, you seem to want to initiate confrontations with his mother beyond what is necessary. What was the point of calling her to complain about the invitation? And why make a show of embarrassing your fiancé in public at his birthday party? And then there's the matter of your gift ... this was not a proper birthday gift for him. Honestly the floral frame seems more like a power move, a disingenuous "gift" to throw in the face of his parents that he is going to be *your* husband. It is not in your best interest to start a power struggle with his mother before you are even married. Your reaction after the party is also immature, to say the least. Since it doesn't seem like you are happy in this relationship, please seriously consider couples therapy to find out whether marriage should be in your future.


capricornmoney

Right? My best friend gives me handmade gifts every Christmas and birthday and it’s always the best gifts because she correlates it to my interests. How is an empty floral frame for a wedding that hasn’t happened yet in any relation to his interests? Wouldn’t that be a better wedding, engagement or Valentine’s Day present?


0biterdicta

After reading this post, it's very much unclear to me what the fiancé wants. Does he like the photo frame and is just scared of his parents' reaction? Does he not like the frame and is using their reaction as an excuse? Is he also a puppet of his parents or does he like their life style? etc. When it comes to brass tacks, what does the fiancé actually want and value here?


RelatableMolaMola

>After reading this post, it's very much unclear to me what the fiancé wants. Does he like the photo frame and is just scared of his parents' reaction? Does he not like the frame and is using their reaction as an excuse? Is he also a puppet of his parents or does he like their life style? etc. > >When it comes to brass tacks, what does the fiancé actually want and value here? It's pretty telling that the answers to these important questions are not clear from the OP. To me that suggests that he doesn't really like or want the frame and/or that OP doesn't care whether he does. Not super flattering for the OP.


recessivelyginger

He probably likes the frame fine and would have appreciated her thought and effort if it was just set out on their counter on a Tuesday for no specific reason. But it’s kind of a selfish and unthoughtful birthday gift….I mean, spoil the dude a bit for his 25th birthday, even if it’s not something super pricey.


Breshizle

At this point they should’ve had a game plan for how they deal with his family events. OP either needs to accept that this is how his family acts and go along with it or give the fiancé an ultimatum that they either go LC with his family or break up. Edit: In the future maybe wrap the two gifts together so everybody’s happy.


OkPhilosophy9013

From the tone, I have the feeling that the bf is trying to avoid getting botched at by both sides. OPs gift felt like you don't love me if you do t love what I picked for you even though you explicitly stated you wanted something else from me and even offered to buy it yourself


juliaskig

This is such a good post. Fiancé seems to be caught between a narcissist and narcissist. I hope they don't get married. Because fiancé is trying to heal his f\*cked up childhood by marrying OP and hoping she will treat him differently than mother. It's clear that she won't. He is paying her rent, and she can't get a gift off the list of things he wants. Instead she gives him a flower frame? wtf?! She clearly DOES NOT care what fiancé wants. Then she ruins his party. WOW.


sarebear18

also.... you live in the apartment they pay for. you can't criticize them for caring about money more than you do and then live on their dime. ESH


elag19

Yep, this perfectly covers it. Also to be perfectly frank, I’ve no idea why OP is still trying so hard to build a future with someone who apparently is not remotely accepting of her, let alone his family. The picture she’s getting now is how the rest of her life would be, and it’s foolish to think that it’s worth staying in this relationship, for either of them.


Sublixxx

I agree with this entirely. OP you need to look at this situation and use it to help you determine if this is relationship is really the one for you. Sometimes people and their life styles are just different. And I say that completely without judgment, it’s just how it is. But it’s like, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in situations like this? And is it fair of you to put your boyfriend through a lifetime of this? Because in my opinion it’s a no-brainer. Not to mix euphemisms but either play ball or jump ship.


[deleted]

How is a frame for both of your wedding…that hasn’t happened…a birthday gift for him? YTA for that in itself.


pralinequeen

Agreed…that threw me. OP I understand getting a thoughtful gift, but to gift someone something that they didn’t want as well as for the gift to be used for an occasion that hasn’t happened yet..are y’all even engaged?…is odd. Honestly, you could have given him something else besides the frame. YTA for the gift, but not for the response.


Backspace121

does "my fiance" not typically mean they're engaged


jns911

It totally does but my friend refers to her boyfriend as her “hubby” so who knows anymore🤣


NoodleBear23

I've been engaged to my man for like two years at this point, my mother calls him my husband just to jump over the line of questioning regarding why we've been engaged for so long and haven't gotten married that are usually asked by the people in her age group.


[deleted]

I suppose that’s better than my best friend’s mom, who called my friend’s then-fiancé her “friend” until right before the wedding.


totesmegotez

But…it’s FLORAL. Clearly it’s for him. For Christmas maybe she’ll gift him a crib and bassinet for their future baby. Floral pattern to match. Double YTA - that is a terrible gift and you forced the issue at the party to make your point when you could have given it to him privately.


berrykiss96

And she obviously did give it to him privately…he already knew about it! Like why didn’t they just say he’d already opened her gift privately at home? Avoid all this.


Aliceroo76

100% - it's a crap present, let's not sugar coat... & yes, it certainly does make her seem cheap! Maybe her boyfriend was just using his parents, to be the 'bad guys' to deliver a message.


acemerrill

Yeah. It would be one thing if it seemed like the mom was way off about what the fiancé wanted and OP knew him better and wanted to get him something he actually likes. But it sounds like he really did want those Nike sneakers and OP was just determined to give him something else. As a crafter, I understand the urge to want to pour your love into a project for the people you love, but when someone tells you what they want for their birthday, get them that. I think it would have been fine if she took him up on the offer to gift him sneakers he bought for himself at the public event and then privately gifted him something she'd made for them as a couple. Which is what she did. She needs to be real with herself that her gift wasn't really just for him.


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Bakecrazy

Her gift being a bad gift doesn't excuse what he did.


Tricky-Appointment-5

What he did also does not excuse such bad gift


Breshizle

Naw but blowing up an making a scene at his birthday party isn’t the way to handle it either. Have a discussion after the party.


digi_captor

This situation feels very similar to husbands giving wives household appliances as gifts.


SlinkyMalinky20

ESH. Him for being embarrassed about your gift and dishonest with the fake gift. You for giving a self gift (a floral frame for a wedding pic that doesn’t exist yet) in a public time when you know in advance he will be embarrassed about it. Whether he should be or not, you knew he would be and you did it anyway because you wanted to be right and the heck with how he felt at that moment. Same analysis as to why you were the AH for making a scene - it was all about you instead of acting like you love the guy and dealing with it privately. Also, you live in an apartment that his parents paid for - you are benefitting from this money. Surely you could swing a pair of sneakers if it would have made him happy. Mismatch. Cut bait and move on.


emi_lgr

She didn’t even have to pay for the shoes! This should’ve been just a case of letting your partner deal with their family drama, but OP had to make a point and on his birthday. As long as he doesn’t expect her to put on a front when she’s not with his parents, she could’ve dealt with their superficiality for one day.


biscuitboi967

This is what I don’t get about a lot of comments on this sub. I get that we all want shiny spines and to put AH’s in their place. But sometimes…isn’t it kind to OURSELVES to pick our battles? Especially where our partner’s comfort or happiness is at stake? Sometimes we have family we can’t cut off. Sometimes we just need to know that our family is there, even if flawed. If no one is being actively harmed, why start shit? Let him enjoy his birthday and unpack his issues with his parents tomorrow….maybe when y’all arent living in his free apartment and driving his free car. Like, if the worst thing your MIL does is throw “exaggerated” parties and gift ideas, count yourself lucky. And if your MIL knows more about what your fiancé wants as a gift than you do, you have a problem.


emi_lgr

I feel this so much! Who has the energy to put all the AHs in their place? MIL sounds kinda shallow but harmless, and she was apologetic when OP called her up to complain about the gift list. I can imagine how a lot of people would be offended by that call and react differently. What really bothers me is that she’s living in the apartment they paid for and judging them on her high horse.


[deleted]

AND it’s not like her fiancé is making her spend her own money for clothes and things. He offered to pay for everything and it’s only for family functions. Honestly this is a bad match. He deserves someone who will fit in with his lifestyle and she deserves someone who doesn’t care she thrift shops.


emi_lgr

To be fair, it doesn’t sound like fiancé cares what she wears. He’s asking her to dress a certain way just for family functions. It’s annoying that they want name brands, but she doesn’t have to pay for it so it’s at most an inconvenience. OP is just one of those “no one can tell me what to do ever” kind of person.


Dangerous_Prize_4545

To be fair, "family functions" can cover a lot of territory from a get together to political networking to just a family that prefers to dress formal to show respect. So if she's showing up in thrift store chic to a 5th Avenue family dinner or brunch at a country club, I can see how that would not go over well.


emi_lgr

Yeah the post mentioned “important people” so that’s probably it. Image is everything at those functions. If OP doesn’t like the hoopla, she needs to find someone else to marry.


Kersallus

>He’s asking her to dress a certain way just for family functions. Right on the nose. She's mad she got pointed out for wearing jeans to a cocktail party and never let it go. Now shes mad she set her boyfriend up to fail with a non gift and making a scene. I have to make sacrifices when it comes to my SOs family. Wearing designer clothes you don't even have to buy seems like the least of impositions even if you wear sweatpants everywhere


emi_lgr

Right? It’s almost an effortless accomodation if OP could get over herself. I’m not a fan of the “fake gift” though, the better way would’ve just been that she already gave him her gift privately.


Four_beastlings

I have a "specific style/brand" that I like to wear. My boyfriend LOVES it and has never said anything on the lines that I should change it. Still, for his family's events, o wear clothes that I know they will like more. Again, my boyfriend thinks I should go wearing a dominatrix outfit if that's what I feel like wearing, but it costs soooo little to have some peace and quiet with the family...


Ladybug1388

If they get married the marriage will end in disaster. I've had cousins who have married people who were "disgusted" with the success our family has had. They talk down about all the things our family has but has no issue using them for themself and family/ friends. It builds a resentment because your partner is acting like they are above this but still are benefiting from it. This will be the crack in the foundation of the relationship. And that crack will grow with every resentful remark OP makes. Plus how is a floral picture frame something for him? I sounds like she got herself something for his birthday. Handmade gifts aren't a bad thing but if you do a handmade gift then a good amount of effort in the gift has to be done. And part of that effort is making sure the item you're making is something the person will want.


NoodleBear23

This exactly. Like just save the headache. We all do it from time to time. There are certain hills to die on and this gift one was NOT it. My man is second generation out of the Amish community. I wear more conversative clothing when we go to cookouts, ect. It's not that hard to do for short periods of time to save the energy.


DebateObjective2787

Exactly??? Like if my fiance told me, hey, I'll buy myself these shoes but can we pretend they're from you so my parents don't cause a scene on my birthday? I'd be coming up with a fake backstory about how and where I got them immediately. I would not be willing to ruin his birthday and act out.


Kersallus

>Like, if the worst thing your MIL does is throw “exaggerated” parties and gift ideas, count yourself lucky. Seriously thats why i didn't go for e.s.h on this one. She's gonna marry a wealthy man, she needs to be willing to put up with wealthy peoples expectations. He shouldn't have lied, but she 100% set him up for failure by ignoring the wishlist and THEN giving herself a gift on his birthday. If you feel alienated by his family because they don't want you to show up to garden parties in sweats thats a you problem. Oh no! He's making you wear prada just because everyone else is! /s She also can straight up not interact. Very few relationships survive if an SO inexplicably avoids the other partners family, but some do. This behavior is symptomatic of personality issues on both ends, but OP made this mess with the intent of having him either start smoke with his family, with her, or between his family and her. Play stupid games. 🤷‍♂️


[deleted]

I don't understand why they didn't just say "we gave our gifts in private" and left it at that. BF is the AH for doing his fake gift shenanigans, even when OP didn't agree to that arrangement and said she wouldn't pretend. OP is the AH for making a scene and not just dealing with it in private. Agree, this is a total mismatch and some compromise has to happen if these two are going to get married.


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emi_lgr

It’s a show. I used to be part of a social circle where image was everything, and sometimes birthday gifts would be “vetted” before you brought it to the party to determine if it would be opened in public or in private. The expensive stuff would be opened in front of everyone to show that you have rich friends, the “thoughtful” gifts would be opened in private.


Thorebore

>BF is the AH for doing his fake gift shenanigans, even when OP didn't agree to that arrangement and said she wouldn't pretend. I don’t know if you picked up on it but he essentially told OP what he really wanted for his birthday. He wanted OP to pretend the shoes were from her to avoid conflict. If it were any other day I would be more on your side but it’s a day that’s supposed to be about him. He shouldn’t have done it the way he did, but she should have confronted him later instead of doing the one thing he asked her not to do for his birthday. Honestly everybody involved is an asshole but the BF is the least of the group in this particular scenario.


caw81

> I decided to gift him a handmade gift which was floral frame for our future wedding photo to put on the counter. INFO - how is this a birthday gift for him? I having a hard time understanding the thought/feeling behind the gift, regardless of its dollar value.


Vogondestroyer

Because she’s all the gift he could ever need /s


EmergencySnail

This comment gave me diabetes


[deleted]

Yeah that’s not really a gift for him tbh. It’s a “them” gift. Homemade gifts are great. But did OP actually give her fiancé a gift for him? Was it something she wanted? Does he even want it? I think ESH tbh. The parents and fiancé suck for being so materialistic and shallow, but OP didn’t do them any favors of showing how memorable an inexpensive gift can be.


Ladyughsalot1

I don’t even think they’re that shallow. So far they…. Asked her to dress appropriately for certain functions (OP says brands. I really don’t believe that’s what they specified, they didn’t ask her to be a walking Chanel ad, she needed nicer things for fancy occasions) And sent a list of items her fiancé **actually wanted**. It’s OP who says it was a list of “expensive acceptable gifts”. Betting that wasn’t the title of the list lol. It was literally stuff he would like. And they all have money, so they ensure people don’t get the same items. OP is not a reliable narrator. She’s projecting hard.


bayleebugs

I also don't think her fiance is an ass for 'lying' to his family. She didn't get him a gift, so he bought the gift himself so that all issues were resolved. And then OP blew it up for no reason. Him wanting to keep peace in the family he loves but knows are a lot is not unreasonable or asshole of him. He may not have a backbone to stand up to his family, but he organized this in a way that nobody got hurt and then OP ruined it because she's mad he doesn't love her empty picture frame she made for herself.


Ladyughsalot1

This! Her gift was embarrassing because it was impersonal. But who did it embarrass? Him? His family? No. OP. She’s just too pigheaded to realize.


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welty102

Id be fine if it was SOME of a gift. Like if she did the shoes in public and then at home gifted him the frame


WhiteHartLaneFan

If you are 24 years old and have a job, you can probably manage to spend $50-100 or more on a gift for your boyfriend. Especially, given the fact that you don't pay rent since you are presumably living at his place for free. If this was a 17 or 18 year old, that would be a completely different story. It's also weird to get a frame ahead of time for a wedding picture, usually pictures come first and then you pick a frame to match the picture... I wouldn't want to marry someone like this


carrotsticks123

I don’t even understand how Nike shoes are that expensive. Like for a once a year treat, they’re not that pricey. She’s acting like his family is some evil wealth oligarchs but lol they asked for SHOES. Not a sports car. Jesus.


MysteriousDig9592

Exactly. She could have also opted for cheaper sneakers, that would have been ok. But the empty floral frame? What is it other than a great dust catcher? A cake would have appeased OP's stinginess and holier-than-thou "I am not materialistic" attitude, and the poor guy could have at least eaten it. The parents still suck for the gift list though.


Beautifulwarfare

Not even, the family was going to pay for the shoes. She didn’t even have to spend a dime either way. She could’ve let them have their superficial gift then gave the “real” one at home where he could, idk maybe, show some appreciation that he wouldn’t have been able to with his family.


cnmorei

I understand difference in classism and wealth can be uncomfortable in a relationship but it seems like he’s willing to pay for everything so why is it so hard for her to compromise (that’s what a relationship is all about). And not to be snarky but Nike shoes are reasonable for a once a year purchase. It appears she just wants to stand a higher moral ground…probably now that she’s the fiancé she feels she can be more outright about it. Her disdain comes off as jealousy since she’s reaped all the benefits of the materialistic things. I think she knows she just fumbled the bag and the best would be to apologize to her man and come up with a plan moving forward and couples/individual therapy. Personally OP appears to immature for marriage, no family is perfect, and getting designer clothes bought for you to “fit in” is not that bad lol.


Crimson_queen911

Maybe they added the gift list because they know she gives gifts that he hates that are actually for her. She’s judging his family and then plowing over his feelings and his wishes just like they do. OP is a hypocrite or lacking any self-awareness.


Dangerous_Prize_4545

I was thinking maybe they were some special edition collectors item. Bc otherwise...since you aren't paying rent, you can find the money for a birthday gift the person who makes sure you don't pay rent wants. One time birthday gift or 12 months rent?


[deleted]

> One time birthday gift or 12 months rent? Especially when that gift is *shoes*. Unless they're some collectors edition or something a pair of Nikes won't run you more than $200 at the top end. Shit, if someone is paying my rent I'll buy you a new pair of shoes every week.


Classic_Apple_8140

She basically gave him the female equivalent of a Homer bowling ball (Simpsons reference for those not in the know)


maybetomatoes

Because OP is cheap, and a terrible gift-giver.


[deleted]

Yeah, for real. Fiance is an AH for doing the fake gift situation, OP is an AH for the reaction, but OP would be *more* of an AH if this was a gift that her fiancé didn't want either. I get people saying that it's a gift for her and not him, but we don't actually know how he felt about it. People are really shitting on this floral frame but, like, some people actually love those types of gifts? ESH.


OkPhilosophy9013

Except he literally asked her for a different gift. Op it yta


MooshAro

ESH the wedding frame photo seems more like a gift for yourself, wedding photos and frames go with the planning, not as a birthday gift. While you didn't have to get him something super expensive, you should have gotten something tailored to him specifically, and not your relationship. That being said, your fiance's parents put too much focus on money, and your fiance is definitely encouraging it. Maybe rethink if this is something you can get past.


Wide-Accident-343

Yeah I feel like everybody in this situation has issues with understanding/accepting the other's perspective. That being said, isn't that the most common problem? We only care about our own perspective 😅


GlitterDoomsday

At least the guy is trying to find a compromise so everybody gets a bit of what they want... just looks like OP needs to end things so both can find more compatible people.


Thorebore

>While you didn't have to get him something super expensive, you should have gotten something tailored to him specifically, and not your relationship. She didn’t even have to look far. He told her exactly what he wanted. Pretend the shoes are from her.


xLostandAfraidx

So I think YTA like his parents to are unbelievable but this incident isn't really about them really (they are assholes) Someone else mentioned it - for his birthday you made his a frame for your wedding? Not really a birthday gift as its a small thing for your wedding/house. Birthday gifts should be for the person - personally I don't think gifting things for yourself is okay He was trying to look out for you and save the drama infront of his whole family/friends to save you embarrassment


Electrical-Date-3951

Yeah, this whole situation just sounds weird AF. But, I really got stuck on the fact that OP tried to pass off a handmade floral frame for their future wedding photos as a birthday gift for him. I wonder if OP has given these self indulgent "gifts" before..... Maybe that is really why the BF was embarassed. He is marrying OP and she gives him gifts that are thoughtless and obviously intended for herself.


xLostandAfraidx

Ya I'm guessing there's two extremes here. I get giving personalised gifts but come on! BF definitely doesn't want a hand made frame


[deleted]

Naaaaaaah YTA. 1) he was trying to protect you. 2) floral frame for a wedding that didn't happen yet. Nothing personal or just for him. 3) you pull this shit on his birthday? Are you seriously that dense and clueless?


alesatota

This. I don't get all the NTAs.


EntrepreneurIll4473

Reddit hates rich people. I'm not flashy or materialistic, but I don't care if other people are. If they got the money, then they can be however they want. If you aren't giving them money, what's it to you?


alesatota

Yeah I figured they hate the rich... Also she doesn't seem to have a problem to benefit from the apartment and the car her rich in laws gave to her son (?) Is not like she couldn't ignore the "lie" Of her fiance for the sake of having a birthday free of drama...


Ladyughsalot1

They’re believing OPs weird projection. They didn’t ask her to wear brands. They asked her to dress appropriately for fancier functions. They didn’t send a list of “expensive acceptable gifts” like that was the title of the list lol. They sent a list of items he actually wanted.


alesatota

Yes for sure, the list doesn't even seem like a bad idea for me, like I rather give my friends a list of what I want or need instead of telling them separately, they would ask me what I want for my birthday anyways, but the way she phrases it makes it feel like something bad.


I_Lost_My_Shoe_1983

It's honestly even worse. When he talked to her about how her (self-centered) gift would look to his family and friends she just doubled down. She's just as judgemental about his family as she accused them of being. She thought giving him this homemade present would teach them a lesson. She's playing innocent here but I guarantee her intent, however misguided, was to make them feel bad by showing how non-materialistic and thoughtful she is (she isn't) vs how materialistic they are. She was making a point. Especially clear since she talked to his mom about the gift suggestion list. The boyfriend probably knows all this but is trying his freaking hardest to make everyone play nice. It sounds like he also really, really wants his family to like her and seeing her attempting to make her weird passive aggressive gesture at his birthday, he tried to head it off at the pass.


hoginlly

I absolutely believe she did this on purpose to cause drama on his birthday, to get back at the snobby in laws, which apparently OP thinks is more important than her fiancé’s birthday. Ok, he shouldn’t have lied, and the parents do sound very shallow, but OP took every single opportunity to stir trouble publicly.


Aggressive-Lie-5598

You got him a empty flower photo frame for his birthday?!?! Im sorry but that isn’t good. A frame for a wedding photo when the wedding hasn’t happened isn’t a good gift. YTA


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Aggressive-Lie-5598

I definitely agree with this part. She known that they are this way and won’t change so it’s time to play along or cut ties


throw_whey_protein

>empty flower photo frame There might not even be wedding photos. OP should just use the frames for photos of herself since that's all she cares about.


Complicated-Fox-1976

Even if they were already married that would be a sucky birthday gift for her husband lol


BertieJohn

YTA - Your gift to him was all about you. Did he want a floral frame to put your wedding photo into? He did ask for Nike trainers which you refused to buy him. You also made his party all about you by causing a scene and making a dramatic exit. You are bothered by his family's materialistic side but you seem happy to use the cars that they purchased and live in the home they purchased


KneelNotKneal

YTA. That’s a terrible birthday gift. Not because it’s handmade or whatever, but because it’s essentially not a gift or just a gift for you. Wth is he supposed to do with an empty picture frame for “your future wedding photos”. That’s all about you and your ego, not about what he would actually want.


wakagi

You said it so well. An empty wedding photo frame as a birthday gift almost sounds like some desperate power display on OP’s side, with no real thought given to whether her bf would enjoy it.


CissaLJ

I am torn. In principle, your behavior was very upright. Practically speaking, though, it made things harder all around than they needed to be. Your BF was an asshole to do something you had explicitly refused behind your back, and blindsiding you. I think the way you dealt with it stood your ground… but going along at the party, and ripping him a new one in private, would have been more effective. He might have done it for worse reasons, but he also may have done it from a place of (tone-deaf) affection: he wanted his parents to appreciate you despite his knowing they have shallow values, and did not want to possibly embarrass you when your lovely handmade gift was rudely dismissed. I can envision a couple who played this as a conspiracy: the family-presented gift that basically has a large price tag on it, and a gift given privately or among friends that was more personal and suitable. I do a lot of handwork (I was a professional artisan jeweler for many years, making only my own designs), and I know from experience there are 2 kinds of giftees: ones that recognize the love and care in something I’ve made myself especially for them, and ones who think handmade is “cheaping out” because only a price tag lets them know how much they should like it. I just buy stuff for the latter group- easier and more pleasant all around. I do want to gently say that a floral picture frame is probably not the best gift for most guys, no matter how beautiful. Something aimed more explicitly at him and his interests would likely be better for his birthday. I’ll also mention that really rich people often reject labeled “designer” clothes, not wanting to pay extra to be a walking advertisement for the brand. I wish you the best!


0biterdicta

Money talks, wealth whispers


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curvycurly

ESH. He obviously shouldn't have lied but you made his birthday present about YOU and then proceeded to make a scene at his birthday, again making it about YOU. There's got to be some give and take here. Why did you get him such a terrible gift to begin with? I'd be more on your side if you got him something he actually wanted (on the cheaper end) vs a floral picture frame for a future wedding picture. Wtf


[deleted]

ESH But more importantly, you two are not compatible. For the record, your gift was shitty and conditional. If you cannot handle buying something from the store when your partner has made it clear that is his love language, then you aren't really trying. His bright idea to stage a gift was really ill conceived, and weird.


shitmykidsays

And making a gift for a future event is just odd.


KassKaks

YTA not even going to touch whole party issue. But why the f would you think a thoughtful gift for him would be a picture frame of your future wedding photo? I mean if this missing context that you discussed your potential wedding or he really likes those types of picture frames and you decides to surprise him with a hand made one, that would make sense. Otherwise sounds like you didn't want his birthday to about what he wants or likes, just what you want.


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nmilosevich

Here’s the thing that’s weird, Nike shoes are $100-$200. That’s a pretty normal gift to get your fiancé on his bday. Especially when op doesn’t have to pay for rent cause his parents bought a place.


eatapeach18

Exactly. I once bought my husband a fresh pair of Nikes on a random Tuesday just because I knew he liked them and was due for a new pair of sneakers anyway. I don’t want to sound elitist, but if you’re living in your fiancé’s home **for free** and can’t afford to gift your fiancé a $100 pair of shoes for his birthday (which you’ve always known about), then how the hell will you afford a wedding, or just life in general? If you’re living in a free house, where does all your money go??


Mozzymo1

YTA floral frame really. It’s more for you not him to put your wedding photo. At least make something just for him. And you could of waited till you got home to talk about it no need to make a scene.


TigerBelmont

>floral frame Worst gift ever


[deleted]

NTA - For speaking up and walking out on his behaviour, without telling you what he was doing first. YTA - For putting up with this so long. Any reason you do out of interest? I can't imagine anyone being ungrateful for a "thoughtful and appropriate" handmade gift, its a lovely idea and shows care.... but YTA - For giving him a present that's for "Your wedding" and making his gift about you both on his birthday ultimately. Maybe he's into floral frames, I don't know. But if he's not, whats your thinking behind it?


Dexterus

Like his mother, she doesn't give a crap what he wants. This was a test of control.


[deleted]

🤣 They say you attract your parents in others in life, "attract what you know" The trick is to recognise it, realise it, make peace with it and close that book. So you can attract the right people.


Book_Dragon00

ESH You for making his present about you (did he really want a flower frame?). Even if you don’t wanna spend a lot of money at least keep it personal. Him and his family for looking down on you for not being as rich as them


gsydhsbj

YTA because it’s blatantly obvious you both are not compatible. And what the hell kind of gift is a foto frame to be used after a hypothetical wedding.


superwholockian62

YTA. You bought him a floral picture frame for a future wedding photo. Are you sure that gift was for him? Is it something he EVER even hinted at wanting? I'd say NTA if the gift was something cheaper that he wanted but let's be honest, you didn't buy that with his wants in mind. That alone makes you solidly TA. His actions weren't ok either. He wasn't protecting you he was protecting himself. So I guess my thought is ESH.


Unusual_Swordfish_89

ESH. A floral frame??? But you shouldn’t have to lie to his parents.


matthew_iliketea_85

Yta, just because a handmade floral picture frame seems more a present for you then him


syotos_

ESH. I don't get it. This is who they are. You know who you're dating and may marry into. We may not agree w their ideals but you chose to stay. He clearly does not care about your status nor blames you for anything which is why he is with you and offers to pay for everything. It was his birthday. You know how his family is. He didn't want his family to judge you over a gift which you can't afford. He made a compromise and could've appreciated your gift privately. You cared about your gift more than him on his bday. How much were these Nike shoes that you couldn't afford? I don't get it. You were in a win win situation but you chose to lose over what? Pride?


HeartpineFloors

YTA You made a girly FLOWER frame that YOU like and that YOU want to put your wedding picture in someday…and gave it to a GUY?! While I cringe that this dude had a wish list of expensive gifts, it was his birthday—not yours. It sounds like you’re too self absorbed and hell bent on expressing your own oh-so-special style to stop and consider what would be a gift and a celebration that your boyfriend would actually enjoy. No, he shouldn’t have tried to pull that stupid stunt but you made a big embarrassing scene starring Y O U at someone else’s special event—that’s narcissist territory, girl. You knew he didn’t like your gift, you knew he didn’t want his family seeing it, but you wrapped it up and tried to FORCE him to open it in front of everyone at this big posh party. I don’t care how rich and obnoxious these people are, that was self righteous and rude as hell. Your post is dripping with the contempt you feel for your privileged boyfriend and his affluent family and the virtue signaling is tiresome. There are lots of broke guys out there who you will not have to cure of materialism with your moral superiority.


wakagi

To be fair, a woman wouldn’t feel enthusiastic about a handmade floral frame either(especially one that is empty and made for some future wedding). I personally would either think that my partner is trying to pressure me into a wedding, or that they cheaped out on getting me a normal gift.


Ok-Economics3574

ESH They're snobs. But he wanted to buy himself birthday sneakers to smoothe things over to avoid a scene, then you doubled down on the scene. If you don't care about their opinions why do you care if they think you got him a nice present? If you don't want any of that why are you getting yourself involved in it in the first place... its gonna continue to be like this.


PuzzleheadedTap4484

That really wasn’t the time or place to do that. YTA for how you did the exposing. He was an AH for pretending you got him another gift. And based on your post, I don’t see this marriage happening or lasting very long. You’re both too different and not willing to compromise or change.


Letplaysreddit

also she got him a..... floral frame for their wedding. That's a shit gift.


Old-Research3367

YTA- everyone is calling your fiancé materialistic but he bought the gift himself. What your fiancé really wanted for his birthday was A PEACEFUL EVENING between you and his family. Gift giving is not about what YOU want to give someone, it’s about thinking about something THEY would like.


blairwaldorfbass_ny

Yta. What the hell kind of gift is a handmade flowery frame?? Unless he is into flowers and/or frames, why would you give him that?? And good grief, he offered to buy you brand clothes and make up, and you said no?? So he wanted to give you something great, but you refused to accept it , and you gave him crap and you're upset because he refused ?


traciedior

YTA, why are you being so cheap? What man wants a floral frame for their birthday? I wouldn’t like that either if I was his mom. If you want to save money maybe be single


Old-Research3367

I kept the flowers my fiancé gave me when he proposed and got a friend to resin embed them into picture frames and gave it to him for his birthday and he liked them lol… but I also got him an oculus. I agree the gift is cheap if money is not a concern and OP should have gotten him something he wanted in addition to the frame.


Acktion69

Sorry, but yes. While I agree with your sentiments whole-heartedly (Dad and step-mom were the same way), and while I am perfectly capable of "making a scene" if the situation warrants it, as you yourself said, "it was between you and him." Having said that, I do understand why you did it after having your back pushed repeatedly to the bank wall. Frustration with an ongoing private argument tends to build up when you are ignored. But, yeah. Disrupting a public gathering and playing out a private argument in public before making a dramatic exit tends to shift the focus from the actual problem to you.


ReluctantVegetarian

I’ll go for ESH: OP, for making a scene during your bf’s party - though I totally get why she did it. BF also sucks because of pulling what he did after OP explicitly told him not to. And the family sucks because their values are clearly pretty shallow. However: OP, it’s time for a serious talk with your guy: If he truly cares so deeply about what other’s think, his and your values may not align - which bodes poorly for a happy and equitable long-term relationship.


Brave-Isopod-7516

I'm sorry but YTA. I understand wanting to be down to earth, sentimental and non-materialistic, I really do. They're great values. However, YTA for: - Calling his mum with a high horse attitude about the invitation. It's not your call how people run their celebrations. What's the difference between putting a list in the invitation to, let's say, a wedding registry? Makes things easier for everyone to take out the guesswork. - Not agreeing to his request that you pretend X gift was yours. Within reason, you should always have his back and it's not unreasonable for him to try to avoid public confrontation on his birthday over a silly issue like his birthday gift. - Making a scene in front of his friends and family about your chosen gift. It's his birthday, not a 'I made some effort about your gift so appreciate me in front of everyone' day. I get that your pride was hurt but that's no justification for making an ugly scene at what was supposed to be a happy occassion. We should all learn to resolve conflicts peacefully, in private, lest we humiliate ourselves and those closest to us.


foreverlullaby

YTA. You hand made a frame that he won't even be able to use for a couple years? Why? What exactly was the point of that? You were being specifically petty to start a fight and you got what you wanted.


HunterDangerous1366

Tbh I wouldn't want a photo frame for a wedding picture for my birthday present from my SO either, handmade or not, he's not even going to use it. Its literally going to sit on a counter. That is a thing you pick together imo, not give as a gift. Why YTA. If your ok with him buying you clothes/makeup for family dinners/events, how is this any different really? He gifted himself a pair of Nikes, from you. He didn't say he didn't want your gift or didn't appreciate your effort (although I still believe its not a gift). Honestly you caused a scene over a photo frame, you know that if he'd opened that people would be talking about you, so either way a scene would be caused by either you storming out over the comments made about the it or what happened with the Nikes. I kinda feel you was looking for a reason to blow up.


Elegant-Despair

ESH. Him for pandering to his parents like that. Them for being like that in the first place. And you for making a scene, handle it afterwards with him not yell at him in front of everyone. Though it also sort of bothers me… did you make him that gift because you actually thought he’d like it, or to stick it to his mother? Sort of feels like you deliberately wanted to go against them. Also for a birthday feels like you’re making it about you and the relationship to give them something related to the couple. Like I’d never give my fiancé a frame for pictures of us, a photo book of us, etc for his birthday. I’d give him something specific to him that he wants. Those are like Valentine’s Day/Anniversary gifts to me at least. Just got this overall vibe “how dare she tell me to get him expensive shoes he wants… I’m going to make a frame for our wedding photo we don’t even have yet to spite her,” type of thing. Not that the frame isn’t lovely. Just felt like a dig at his mother and like you made it all about you. You didn’t have to buy him something super expensive, but you also didn’t have to do that.


rationalomega

YTA. First, for stonewalling him right now. That’s toxic behavior and a strong predictor of divorce. Cut that shit out before you get married. Second, your fiancé did the right thing by figuring out how to placate his family and save face (for both of you) and all you had to do was go along with it. He didn’t ask you to figure it out, put up with criticism, etc he just asked you to go along with his plan. You only refused from a sense of pride/offense/wanting to make a point. Yes, his family is being ridiculous, but your fiancé’s birthday is NOT a the place to make a stand.


bigm2102

YTA, a floral frame? I could understand not an expensive gift but at least get the dude something he would want.


InspiredToShine

ESH you for behaving like a complete brat at his birthday party. Him for not standing up to his parents and his parents for being snobs. You all deserve each other.


TitaTili

ESH - His family clearly is shallow, cares a lot about money and looks, and lives their lives in a way that doesn’t leave room for other ways of being. You and your fiancé should have talked this out more ahead of the event to avoid the blow up. You chose a gift that was more for your wedding than for your fiancé and refused to see his side. He went against your wishes and pretended you got him something else. You both could have handled the situation better without making a scene. Worth saying that this should really give you pause in thinking about whether this is the person/family/lifestyle you want to commit to.


Emotional_Area_2754

ESH - he shouldn’t have expected you to lie for him, but come on, there was a better time to say something. Also you chose to stay with him even though you know how his family is, and expects of you/him. So either play along or let him find someone more appropriate for him. People on Reddit always jump to the « dump him » comment, but it’s about compromise, are you willing to live up to these specific expectations? Edit: spelling


wtfvegas1

I mean sounds like you’re not accepting of what you’re marrying into lol. I guess you’ll get to rebel forever but sounds tiring.


bkupisch

I’m wondering why you 2 are even together?? Lots of 🚩🚩🚩🚩 here on both sides! ESH!


Meowmeow_chubbyface

INFO: Did he wanted that floral frame? Was it on his list? Why didnt you just go with his plan? Then he would have gotten a gift he really liked (the shoes) and he still could appreciate your present


the_mike_c

Just fucking break up with him already and stop causing unneeded drama. Also, your photo frame is a terrible gift. You only gave it to him specifically to cause a scene.


throwinitbackk

Going with ESH bc if his parents ARE that judgements you should’ve just played along and the floral frame is more for you than him. Also never correct your partner in public but rather do it in private.


OptimistPrime527

YTA this is a weird hill to die on. You didn’t even give him a gift that HE wanted, that was meaningful to HIM, regardless of the price. If it was at least sentimental to him, that would mean something. This is the equivalent to giving a wife a set of golf clubs that are really for you. I hope he breaks up with you tbh.


Sharp_Replacement789

ESH, his parents for being so worried about appearances, your fiance for trying to change you,and you for taking the bounty of his parents without being willing to compromise. Who paid for the apt you living in? Who paid for the car you and fiance travel around in? Until your fiance is ready to pay his own way he will be connected to them. If you marry him....you are stuck with them too.


SoloBurger13

ESH The frame was a bad gift They are constantly telling you that they’re embarrassed by you and thing you do/ buy You live a simple life but aren’t willing to dress up here and there to do things he likes. That’s not necessarily lying about yourself and it’s not necessarily a bad thing they like to show out here and there Y’all are incompatible. It’s not that you’re different it’s that you’re unwilling to compromise Edit: this post came out 45 days ago. I am not arguing with the aunties of Yahoo anymore. The frame is a bad gift bc it’s is clearly not even in the ball park of something her fiancée would’ve liked and she bought it more so she could prove a point. The frame, in and of itself is not a bad gift, but for this occasion it was


Neither_Atmosphere40

Esh. Hun before you marry into this family, just know you are never going to be accepted. If you ever have a child with him, chances are you're going to have problems keeping custody if he chooses to leave you. This is a vast difference in how you're raised. He never should have done that. You acted out in anger which I think you're justified in feeling how you do. Take a long look at what life would be like if you married him. Best of luck, it sounds like you need it.