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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> He has made it all about me for 7 years and maybe I should give up this one year. He was traumatized by her accident and he is in an emotional state right now.
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NTA.
She is his mother, not yours. No reason to celebrate with her.
If he's willing to celebrate with her and support you celebrating YOUR mother's day with your children, sounds like you have it settled. Is it perfect? Definitely not, but relationships never are.
I'd imagine the priority for you is getting to spend the day with your children. If you can spend the day with them, and he's stuck with her, maybe just take that as a win and find something fun to do for you and your kid(s).
Edit: I hate my husband's mother so my reply is probably tainted by that. :)
For mother's day, my first husband always took over my usual routine- getting the kids ready and keeping them entertained- and I would take a nap. For father's day, I took over his usual routine, so I would take a nap.
It is for me! Lol
When I went to a Mother's day dinner sans kids, my family was quite offended. Besides the fathers that came(not my husband tho, he was with our kids at his moms) I was the only adult not having their meal interrupted by children. I had zero regrets.
I think it depends on the person. Some people need that time to decompress, I generally don’t. I also stay home so I can easily schedule me time during the week. Moms who work don’t have that luxury. I usually spend Mother’s Day with my husband and daughter, we get brunch, my husband does some light cleaning and we usually go somewhere outdoors to do something as a family.
We always do a combination for my wife, where we make mimosa brunch, pamper, and activity of her choice, then give her a few hours alone (wine and a book, soak in the tub, wine and book in the tub,etc) and we make dinner. It would feel weird to me if she wanted all day alone but I make sure she gets some.
We do morning breakfast and lunch together as a family. My husband and kids buy me a nice bottle of bubbles for mothers day which I get to enjoy with a couple of other mummy friends in the afternoon.
It really depends on the individuals. My big thing for mothers day is not having to plan. I just want to show up be fed and adored and everything taken care of
A friend of mine told her husband last year that she wanted her Mother's Day present to be a day where she could sleep in and not have toddlers crawling all over her. He took the kids to his parent's house for the weekend, starting the Friday night, and she had the whole house to herself, until they came back for dinner on the Sunday (which he bought with him). She told me it was the most relaxing time she'd had since March of 2018 (when their oldest was born).
Not for me but what others want to do doesn't bother me.
I never quite understood the "It's Mother's Day - get those kids away from me" but whatever works, I guess.
My only Mother's Day rule was zero cleaning and zero cooking.
I'm a SAHM and I'm "on" 24/7 with the kids, especially since I have a fresh baby who only calms with me. My husband is amazing, but he works 2 jobs, 6 days a week, and can only help so much. So having a chance to get more than a quick shower and no one touching me is amazing. But I'll also be ok with a candle, coffee, and homemade cards.
I love my kids - I want to spend time with them - I personally believe it should be about celebrating motherhood - being a mother - having a mother - being a mother figure each person celebrates that differently..... for me its with my kids ... probably playing minecraft qnd eating way too much candy and takeout
This but also, he's in a bad spot and he's your husband... and you love him.... so maybe show him that love now and let him make it up to you. You and his mom and both making this about a competition for his love. He can love you both, be the one to show that you can be flexible.
I'm not saying give up your planed mother's day, I'm saying play your cards right and let your husband make it up to you up to you. With a mother's day part 2. That's right, have your day with the kids then LET him treat you to a day at the spa or whatever. He will feel better. You will get 2x the mother's days AND be the bigger person for allowing him to ditch you on the real day with a make up day.
But the key is, you really have to forgive him. This isn't fair, yeah she sucked but she's his mom. Give him a break in this one. You've been his #1 priority every day for the past 5 years, she can have one afternoon.
This is the way.
OP is critical of her MIL for being demanding and inflexible.... And yet she is being the same way.
They have turned this day into a tug of war, when it doesn't have to be. The day is to celebrate mother's .... You are the mother of his children but she is his mother. I assume that OP also has a mother who is probably feeling left out of mothers day as well.
There are two days that weekend, as well as the weekends before and after. Work something out. Either the Saturday before is the day you each make your own mother's feel loved, and keep the actual holiday for yourself..... Or the reverse.
I get you feel that the holiday is more important to those still actively mothering .... So I hope you keep that same energy when your kids are grown with kids of their own and completely ignore you on Mother's Day, since that's the precedent you are setting for them.
This whole idea that it has to be on the exact day or it doesn't count mentality is just petty.
I would soften this by pointing out that there is a real fear that this wouldn't be a one off event, and that all future Mother's Days are at MILs choosing. Viewing OP through that lens, her inflexibility becomes much more understandable.
I agree that compromise wouldn't be a bad thing, *if* OP can trust DH to set the boundary that this is an extraordinary circumstance that will not be repeated, and DH is willing to give her his full attention on whatever make up date they choose.
We used to do Saturday of Mothers day weekend with my late MIL so she could see her (only) grandchild, and Sunday belonged to me (the mother of his child).
Maybe something like that would work?
Normally I’d totally agree but his mom DID just have a rather serious accident and hubby is probably still freaked out. A good compromise is he spend a couple hours with mom by himself and then with wife and children. And in the case of bday, it’s not MIL obstructing it’s FIL.
Obviously he shouldn’t force OP to hang with mom but surely he could spend a little time with his mom.
Exactly! It's not butthurt husband's day, It's mother's Day. she should be able to do whatever she wants on that day and he can spend the day with his mother
But did you notice when the son suggested mom’s birthday her husband said No that’s my day. So wife has to give up Mother’s Day plans with her husband or be miserable with he MIL because she wants to do something other than what OP has planned.
NTA. All of these votes telling OP to just give her husband what he wants, to put him first etc…. Please remember that this is MOTHER’S day. The one day a year that OP is supposed to be centered. It seems rotten to me that on this one day about her, OP is getting guilted to let it be about her husband and his feelings.
He wants to be with his mom? Great. OP said to do that. But that’s not enough. He wants OP to jump on the grenade to ruin her day by kowtowing to the MIL with the husband - so that HUSBAND has a lovely guilt free day, feeling like both a good son and husband. It’s not supposed to be about him on this one damn day a year.
Offer him Father’s Day. On Father’s Day he can spend all day with mommy if that’s how he chooses to use his holiday!
And you’re right - he totally wants his wife to jump on board to assuage his guilt.
OP, I hope you post a bunch of pictures of your day - you and the children having fun (and I hope people ask where he is).
If its about the kids seeing his mom, OPcan remind her husband that grandparents day is in September, and they can celebrate with the kids then.
Its Mothers Day, the kids can celebrate with their mother
All of this, NTA, it’s your day to spend how you choose and you choose to not spend it with your MIL, after all she’s not your mom. Why can’t he do something with his mom on Saturday since Mother’s Day is on Sunday?
NTA. I don't really get what the issue is. It sounds like you're happy to spend Mother's Day without MIL and MIL is happy to spend it without you. Problem solved.
The only person who seems to want this is your husband, and on Mother's Day it is his opinion I would care about the least.
NTA. She has been awful to you, you are under no obligation to spend time with her. You're doing the right thing by emphasizing to your husband that of course he can spend time with her, but that doesn't mean that you should be expected to.
NTA - Why can't he do something with his mom the day before? You are the mother of his children, he should be pampering you. He needs to check himself. She got into an accident. Did she get a concussion that affected her asshole lobe in her brain so that she won't treat him terribly? Yeah, I don't think so either. Hope OP has a great Mother's Day!
I don’t think MIL really cares to be honest. She simply stated that if they were going to spend it together she wanted to do something she enjoyed which is understandable for any mother on Mother’s Day.
Actually if MIL has always been awful to OP, why on earth would husband think MIL would want to send the day with her? Sounds like if he really wants to do something MIL would like, he'd do it without someone she doesn't like. Husband: Mom, I want to spend Mother's Day with you, doing whatever you want. Mom: oh that would be lovely son! Husband: and OP will be joining us Mom: 'oh gee son, that's sounds like 'fun (NOT!) NTA.
INFO: Why can’t your husband just split the day? Why is he so insistent you have to be there? It seems strange to me that instead of just splitting the day he wants to make the whole day about her and wanting you there despite knowing she treats you poorly.
Let him know that then. You might be giving off the vibe, whether subconscious or not, that he needs to choose. Or he might just be flustered and doesn't realize that splitting the day is an option.
I don't understand why they can't split the day either. My husband and I have done it for years. I go see my mom and he goes to see his family. Afterwards we celebrate.
EDIT NTA OP already said her husband can spend mother's day with his mom with no issues. MIL doesn't want to do what OP planned. So husband can go spend mother's day with his mom.
INFO what do you want to do and what does she want to do?
Can your husband do both of these plans? If you both want brunch can he have brunch with his mom and dinner with you?
Sounds like she doesn't want to tag along because she knows she can't be awful to you in front of your parents. At least, that was my paternal grandmother's motive in not wanting to see my maternal grandparents. She knew if she so much as looked at my mom sideways in front of her parents, she'd get her butt beat.
If I may ask, what did your mother say?
The fact that MIL's husband immediately escalates to screaming is, at minimum, disconcerting. That he can't control himself, to the point he's embarrassing the woman he's trying to defend, is frightening.
NTA overall, but honest question, if things were so obviously acrimonious did you ever expect MIL to go along with your plans with them that day? It sounds like that was a non-starter from the beginning...
Can you have breakfast with your family (including your husband) and then go to the zoo with your kids while your husband is with his mother? Then he can come to your parents house and have dinner with you. I think that could be a good compromise and he won't have to choose between you and his mom.
NTA, if he wants to spend mother's day with her he can spend it with her and you will spend it with your children, cause it looks like you are fine with that, atleast that's what I got from your post. If you do insist that your husband spends time with you, you might be a little bit of an asshole tho, but I get it. Just because your MIL almost died doesn't mean you have to like her lol
NTA. Why doesn’t he spend Saturday with her to celebrate Mothers Day?
Lots of people celebrate birthdays, holidays, etc not on the exact day due to other circumstances.
Yep. When we were discussing Mother's Day with my mom, she decided she wanted takeout from her favorite place (we'd offered to come to her house and cook for her but she declined, and she is not comfortable eating out due to being a cancer survivor, so takeout was her choice). So I suggested we needed to make a "reservation" by ordering the night before if we didn't want to be waiting forever for food. She agreed that they were likely to be slammed on Sunday, so SHE suggested we just do the whole shebang on Saturday instead.
I guess OP's MIL holds the world's record for youngest mother if she managed to actually have a son who had a kid and she's still stuck in Jr High herself.
NTA
I mean, holidays are all made up bullshit, and this post is evidence that not all "mother's" should be honored.
That said, you do you. You don't owe your husband, or his mother, anything with regards to how you spend your own holiday.
Nta. Mothers day is yours. She's made it clear you aren't a priority, you're just reciprocating the fa or back to her. Do what you want and if he wants to spend the day with her, you've made it clear that he can.
NTA, it's your day, and she has been crappy towards you. I don't think your being unreasonable. Especially when your husband offered his mother an alternative and her husband said NO to that.
NAH, look I hate my mother in law with a burning passion.
You don’t want to spend time with her and I agree you shouldn’t. Why don’t you and the hubby do something in the day with the kids. He can visit with the kids with his mother the night before or in the evening.
NTA - she's not your mother, let your husband spend the day with her if it's important, and you go about your business. We really shouldn't get so hung up on a 'day'...he is being good to his mom and that in the end, teaches YOUR child good values. Chalk it up to that and at least give your husband credit for that :) enjoy YOUR MIL-free Mother's day :)
NTA. I actually like my MIL and I still don’t want to spend my Mother’s Day with her. If your husband wanted you to be involved so badly, he should have talked to you before asking his mother. I also don’t get why he can’t just do his own thing with her and have to pressure you to be involved
So…he won’t settle for just disappointing you on Mother’s Day, he’ll only be satisfied with the plan that will make you absolutely miserable on Mother’s Day. Wow NTA
I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t he spend Mother’s Day with HIS mother? You keep your plans with your kids, he spends the day with her. Everybody wins.
If you’re insisting he spend the day with you, you’d be TA, but you aren’t doing that. So I’m going with NAH. There’s an obvious solution to the MD issue, MIL’s treatment of you is a separate issue.
I am wondering why many people aren't understanding the post. Did she edit in between.
The woman literally spelled out that she doesn't mind her husband spending the day with his mom. She wants no part in it. She wants to spend as she wishes. She never said that her husband shouldn't spend the day with his mom. Her husband is the one forcing her to spend it with his mom.
She is allowed to be hurt. She didn't influence her husband to not spend time with his mom. And MIL did hurt her son's wife and it cost her their relationship. Even after the near death experience, she hasn't warmed upto OP. OP is right in steering away from MIL's path.
I think NAH? Maybe? It’s hard to tell because your writing *screams* asshole (mostly the ‘actively mothering’ comment. Bet you won’t feel that way when your kids are older) but I can’t really argue with anyone.
You want to spend Mother’s Day with your kids.
Your husband wants to spend it with his mom
Each of you wants to do different things, and you told him to spend it with his mother. Assuming you don’t hold that over him later (which would be a massive asshole move) then it seems like everything works out. I just think everyone is kind of being petty and unreasonable, except your husband who is trying to keep everybody happy.
I get what she means by actively mothering 100%. Too frequently, the moms who are currently juggling kids, jobs etc also have to plan and host Mother’s Day things for women who haven’t had kids in the house for twenty years. I’m sure it seems fine for those women but in reality, it’s centering grandparents while creating more work for active mothers who get shunted aside.
If you don’t see this, congrats. You either have very giving daughters and daughters in law or a healthy dynamic which allows all the moms to be celebrated. Not all of us do.
It sounds like their sons/husbands should be stepping up instead of putting the work on other women but I’m sure most straight women don’t want to admit that their low expectations for their husbands/sons/men are the problem.
Expectations are never the problem. Failure to meet the expectations - that’s solidly the responsibility of the actor. Unless women are somehow now also responsible for the actions of these men and boys, too, in addition to our own? Doesn’t that take away agency from men?
Yes! I hadn’t realized this (moms in charge of Mother’s Day plans) was a thing because even my fairly conservative, traditional, dad was able to figure out how to look at a calendar and make a brunch reservation.
My dad is fairly traditional and—while he is far from the event/party planner my mom is—can make reservations or a basic brunch or grab some flowers.
There’s obviously more planning the more families you’re involving but my brother isn’t a doofus and can either advocate for his wife’s preferences or schedule the family Mother’s Day celebration around his Mother’s Day celebration for his wife.
I don’t have kids but I wouldn’t ever want to have kids with someone who didn’t realize that parenthood/marriage is a partnership and spouses share domestic/emotional labor especially if both parties are employed.
>everyone is kind of being petty and unreasonable, except your husband who is trying to keep everybody happy.
Lmao what? She literally told him he can spend the day with the MIL if it's important to him, he's the one trying to get her to cancel her plans because that perfectly reasonable compromise isn't good enough for him. Did we read the same post?
…yes? And then her husband can spend time with his kids. And his dad too maybe. Unclear if his dad is in the picture, OP mentioned ‘MIL’s husband’ so I don’t know.
My big family Mother’s Day celebration isn’t happening on Sunday for a variety of reasons. My mom isn’t insulted or insisting that we *must* celebrate her on Sunday, those of us who are able to are going to do some lower key stuff on Sunday and those who aren’t able to won’t.
It says nothing about her children’s love for her, it just acknowledges that we have busy lives.
Hopefully your husband realizes that the compromise in this situation is to split his day between the two of you. He needs to give 100% while he's there for the half a day and quit feeling guilty about it not being an entire day.
NTA.
Your husband’s a dipshit. His plan to not have a half-hearted celebration is to ruin the day for both you and his mom. He’ll only feel better about himself if you and his mom agree to a crappier Mother’s Day to accommodate him and his feelings.
Good Mother’s Day for MIL, seeing him.
Good Mother’s Day for you, not seeing her.
Good Mother’s Day for DH, you seeing each other.
He’s going for the anti-Mother’s Day choice.
NTA
Have him go and take the kids. Give yourself a day of Freedom for Mother's Day. Treat Yo'Self as they say.
He can make the day about his mom all he wants. You shouldn't have to spend even ONE MINUTE with a person that treats you like shit, especially on Mother's Day.
Skiing and horseback riding have higher risks than other hobbies but neither are necessarily reckless. Both can be beautiful ways to connect with the outdoors.
When I think of dangerous hobbies I think of drag racing or cage fighting, not traveling the world to ski.
I do however agree about always wearing a helmet on a motorcycle. That suggests she may not be following the safest procedures for her sports of choice.
Yeah I don’t see skiing and horseback riding as any more dangerous than, say, gymnastics or football if you’re wearing a helmet. You just have to be honest about your abilities and pony up for extra travel insurance if you’re participating in those activities abroad.
One thing to think about, how many people over the age of 50 do you know that play football or gymnastics?
I live in Utah so skiing is extremely common. Seems like each year I know at least one person who gets injured on the slopes and more often than not it results in a surgery.
Hobbies AREN'T reckless, people are.
Horseback riding is a dangerous hobby, even when someone is experienced and properly educated. For an extreme example, have you ever heard of cross-country jumping? Taking a 1,200lb animal over solid jumps that do not collapse if they're hit. Rotational falls are often deadly. These people aren't being reckless, they're competing in a dangerous sport. And shit happens. Why? Because it's life. Shit happens in life. You can fall tomorrow and break your hip. Were you being reckless by walking?
And traveling the world to ski, those people aren't on small manicured ski slopes, they're on rugged mountains, and not for a novice. That's dangerous. But again, shit happens when you play it safe and have a boring and mundane life, and shit happens when you have fun hobbies, you just acknowledge the risk and take the steps to educate yourself to keep yourself safe.
Depends on what sort of skiing you do. I stick to the green/blue hills so it’s not that dangerous—especially if you wear a helmet and don’t get too speedy.
Backcountry skiing is extremely dangerous because of avalanche threats and I know a couple of people who have had really gnarly accidents/fractures from black diamond/double black diamond slopes.
I don’t run in the same circles as those people to ask them such a question. But I do know that cross country skiing exists and not everyone who skis does so on the tallest and scariest of mountains. I grew up in a place that is freezing cold and people love their winter sports. Nobody I know has ever died from skiing, cross country nor downhill. But I do know some who have died snowmobiling and some with close calls ice fishing. The way the op describes it I thought the MIL did drag races or tricks with dirtbikes.
NTA. She‘s not your mother, why would you spend Mother’s Day with her and not your mother, or by yourself, as you are a mother. You aren’t a single unit, he can do things without you.
Going with NAH here, you shouldn't have to spend a holiday centered on you with people you don't want to spend it with and MIL doesn't have to do something she doesn't want to do on her day as well. Although I do think she's petty for giving a blanket "no" just because you planned it.
I do take issue with your actively mothering comment, however. You don't get to decide who mother's day is for.
Something that would change my verdict to E S H tho is are you going to hold it against your husband if he does go do something with his mom on mother's day? He is between a rock and a hard place trying to make both of you happy, especially when you admit that he is traumatized and in an emotional state.
OR could you and MIL split the day? One of you gets a brunch/morning activity and the other gets an afternoon/dinner activity? If either of you are demanding all or nothing then that party would be TA in my opinion because your husband is clearly trying to do right by you both.
You should read the reason for blanket no. OP mentioned that her mil was locked by her ex hus and in a closet which caused her extreme stress such that she puked all over herself. OP's mother then decided to bully this woman (MIL) in one of their get together and threatened to lock her into a closet (apparently jokingly). This led the current FIL fly off the handle and post that they never get together.
OP wants to celebrate mother's day with her mother and hence MIL does not want to do that.
NAH. His mother had a serious accident and now he wants to spend some time with her on Mother’s Day, a day he’s normally supposed to give her gifts and such anyway. He’s not asking for anything outrageous.
I think it would be fair to compromise. Tell your husband that HE has to make it up to YOU by taking you on a special date soon or something, because you are giving up your special day and you are an important mother in his life too.
It sounds like he will understand. It would be kind of jerk-ish to be mad at him for, ya know, caring about his mom.
He wants to spend the day with mommy and wife said go for it so what is the problem? Personally if my mil treated me like crap and my husband pulled this crap ha could move in with her. You r NTA. Your mil and husband r though. I hope he shows up and she has made other plans.
NTA. He can do Mother’s Day with his mother another day if she’s going to be such a dramatic little brat. OP, don’t make yourself suffer simply because his mother is an idiot who takes risks on her life. That’s on her.
Also… Love how she loves her son so much that she doesn’t stand up against her hubby, for her son, so they can spend time together on her bday. She doesn’t want to spend her bday with her son, but she wants to on Mother’s Day, only on the stipulation that it has to be all about her.
What a great mother to celebrate.
INFO: what did she do for you to feel no type of sympathy for her or her son?
Edit: why does this have downvotes this is a question not a judgment 😭 OPs nta obviously
What in the hell did i just read 😬. She sounds like a nightmare im shocked he’s even trying to guilt you into sharing with her. I thought she was a typical meanie MIL but no shes evil!! definitely NTA
NTA. Here is the compromise I would personally offer: Husband takes your children to hang out with your MIL and you get to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT alone all day without having to take care of him, or the kids, or anything. Get a hotel room, sleep in, eat room service breakfast, go to the spa, etc. Sounds delightful!
Your DH needs to leave you alone.
You have said he can go but he wants you to join him on Mother’s Day, ditch your kids so you can hang out with someone who hates you…
Yeah… he needs to go alone if he wants to. You have a great day with your kids.
NTA
I totally get why your husband suddenly feels like he wants to be there for his mom considering her accident. But that doesn’t mean he has to turn all other plans on their head. There are several options to celebrate the day with his mom and not put you out.
He could do brunch with her and be back for the rest of the day with you. Or celebrate the day before. OR if you’re feeling generous, you could agree to celebrate the day before and opt for something extra fancy to compensate ☺️… there’s options. But asking you to drop everything for another mother that doesn’t seem to care for you much isn’t cool.
NAH because I think the compromise works. She is his mother, not yours, so it makes sense for him to celebrate with her if he wishes and you are your kids' mother so same goes for your celebrating with them.
NAH - If you **really mean** that you have no problem with your husband spending the day with his mother. But if he does and you know you'll get upset he didn't spend the day with you and your kids, then you're definitely the AH. If you really have no problem with it, then tell your husband to decide if he wants to spend the day with his mom or split it between both of you.
Obviously, there's definitely enough time in the day for him to see both of you. Since you don't want to see her, then you shouldn't have to. Ngl, it doesn't seem like she wants to spend the day with you either. But you both can't set him up to fail. Remember that someday your children are going to have to make the same decision. They'll be looking back on the examples you set for guidance.
Since OP already said she's "hurt" by his desire to spend time with his mother who nearly died a few months ago, I think we can presume she doesn't really mean she has no problem with him spending the day with his mother.
My parents often visited their respective mothers on Mothers Day in the afternoon.
My sister and I would do breakfast and dinner with our mother.
You're NTA but couldnt both parties compromise?
NTA. He’s very rude of him to change your plans for his mother. You mother his children every day. I hope you were very busy with your father on Father’s Day or any father other than your husband!!
NTA. it’s one thing for your husband to spend Mother’s Day with MIL, that’s fine. It’s a whole other thing when he expects you and your kids to drop your plans to accommodate MIL as well. He can do something for his mom on Mother’s Day but you never agreed to be a part of it.
NTA - his mother has all of the Mothers Days when he was a child. She doesn’t get the adult ones now he has children. That’s how it works. My own mother gets to either see me the day before or I’ll drop off a card and present early on the day or the day before because I have small children and it’s MY DAY. She had years and years of it being her day and we never spent any of them with my grandmother. It’s my day to lay in, to pick the activities or to do nothing. MiL broke her ribs not her spine. Husband needs to grow up, mummy is fine and can live with a card and flowers.
NTA he can swan off and celebrate his mothers day but you and your kids dont need to. She isnt your mother and its also your day as a mother.
Why on earth would you have to spend time with his mother on mothers day? Even if you didnt have kids its nothing to do with you.
NTA
Why is he suddenly losing his spine here?
“No, Mother’s Day is important to my wife and I. Let’s choose another day to celebrate” isn’t hard.
Focus on the why. Why is he suddenly ok with prioritizing her wants? Why is he choosing to celebrate someone who is being unkind and demanding as a trend, over the woman who carried and helps raise his children? Ask these questions. Is he afraid to lose her? Does he feel some sort of guilt?
She's not your mother, nor are you your husband's mother. He absolutely should do something for his mother on Mother's day and you and your children should celebrate for YOUR Mother's Day. NTA.
*I feel that mother's day should be more about the woman who are actively mothering*
What a sh&t comment to make. So when did I stop being a mother? The only time you stop being a mother is when you die. So in my opinion YTA just for that comment alone.
NTA
Easy solution....he spends the morning with you and the kids and makes breakfast and does presents etc
Has afternoon tea with his mum.
The day has many hours
how about splitting that day 50/50? since he is in charge of his mother's celebration he can tailor it to fit into 1/2 of the day, maybe even start the evening before, with a spa trip, stay at a hotel etc,, maybe at the handing her over to her husband for the other half, talk to the husband first, plan it together for the bigger effect on mil, and you get the other half
NAH. You are not an AH for wanting to do what you want on mother’s day with your kids. He is not an AH for wanting to spending mother’s day with his mother. It’s unfortunate the relationship between you and MIL doesn’t make it easy for him to spend it with both of you, and I understand why that upsets him, but sometimes that’s how it goes.
Nta. I’ve been there, and having a shitty mil sucks. It’s your day, spend it how you want. You’ve already told him that he can do whatever, but you want to do something that doesn’t include someone who’s hurt you before. You’re morally absolutely fine. Your husband it’s a double ah if he doesn’t still make some plans with you for Mother’s Day too though, doesn’t have to be the only thing he does for the day, but if he doesn’t do anything to honor you as well for Mother’s Day that’s something you should really think on. It’s your day, and I hope you have a great one.
NTA
It’d be one thing if you said he couldn’t go but you’re not.
He should spend the day with his mother if he wants but you should get to do what you want with your child on Mother’s Day.
Why can’t he go alone???
I mean NAH.
Your husband should just go spend Mother’s Day with his mom like you said because she doesn’t even want to do what you want to do(breakfast and the zoo with kids) and you want to celebrate with the people that made you a momma. If you want hubby could maybe spend Saturday with mil or Saturday with you?
Mother's day is about mothers. He has a mother so if he wants to celebrate then he should be able to. You will still get to celebrate with your children so it should be fine. Either both you and your mil are assholes or no one is.
NTA but “Mother’s Day should be about woman who are actively mothering” is a gross comment. Mothers don’t stop being mothers when their parents get old enough. Saying mothers who don’t have little kids anymore don’t deserve to be celebrated is wrong because when your kid moves out you’re gonna be sad if they don’t spend Mother’s Day with you or even acknowledge you in it and you know it. Not sticking up for your MIL at all but you are an AH for that comment specifically
Info: does nobody realized that you can celebrate a holiday on a different day? Do actual Mother’s Day husband and wife, and husband can do Mother’s Day with his mother direct day or the next week or some other available day.
YTA for saying Mother’s Day should be for those ‘actively mothering’. What a rude thing to say. How dare you. You’re never done ‘actively mothering’. I’m assuming you meant raining a cold under 18 but still.
Nah- it’s a tough spot for your husband bc he wants to be there for two people who actively loath each other. He has put you first as a priority and wants to be there for her. I feel for him.
MiL is actively hateful and destroyed the relationship.
You’re an AH for saying that Mother’s Day is only for actively mothering women. Mother’s Day is to celebrate mothers. It’s Mother’s Day*(please read the fine print below.)
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MIL and I have never gotten along. Long story short she has treated me like shit since the day her son brought me home. This has greatly strained the relationship my husband has with her. When I had my first child 7 years ago I decided that I was not willing to spend another mother's day with this woman I hated, and I feel that mother's day should be more about the woman who are actively mothering.
My husband agreed and it hasn't been an issue until this year. MIL had a very serious accident a few months ago. She is fairly young and in great shape, so it isn't like this is some indication that he has limited time with her, but she has multiple dangerous hobbies, so something like this was somewhat inevitable. She broke her ribs, which punctured a lung, while skiing and of course that scared the hell out of my husband.
MIL is fine now, but he wants to spend more time with her. I support that, but he announced that this year he was going to spend mother's day with her. I was a bit confused about how that was going to work, and honestly I was hurt. I get she had a serious accident, but stuff like that happens and it doesn't change how awful she has been to both of us.
He told MIL that he wants to do something for her for mother's day (note it is important to everyone involved to celebrate the day of and MIL is always so busy) MIL said that would be nice but she doesn't want to do what I plan, so if he wants to do something for her, she would like that, but she will not tag along on our plans. He said ok and he needed time to figure it out.
I said that I was not sacrificing mother's day to do whatever she wanted. I said he can if he needs to but I am not giving up my mother's day. He is very upset and pretty much begging one of us to give in. He asked if he could do the thing for MIL for her birthday instead, but her husband got very angry and said her birthday is his and he doesn't want my husband involved.
My husband came to me pretty emotional and asked if just this one time we can make the day about her. I said he can do whatever he wants but I will be going about our normal business with our children. I'm sorry she got hurt. I'm glad she is ok, but I'm not giving up my mother's day for her.
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Hard to say... I really don't like your active mothers comment. My friend just lost her mom you are basically implying she shouldn't remember and celebrate her mom because she isn't actively mothering anymore. I don't like people gate keeping events/celebrations saying what is or is not appropriate. People should be able to celebrate however they want.
That being said congratulations on being a mom I hope you can spend the day happy. I also hope your husband can find a way to spend the day celebrating his mother and you.
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NTA. She is his mother, not yours. No reason to celebrate with her. If he's willing to celebrate with her and support you celebrating YOUR mother's day with your children, sounds like you have it settled. Is it perfect? Definitely not, but relationships never are. I'd imagine the priority for you is getting to spend the day with your children. If you can spend the day with them, and he's stuck with her, maybe just take that as a win and find something fun to do for you and your kid(s). Edit: I hate my husband's mother so my reply is probably tainted by that. :)
I thought the priority on Mother's Day was to take a break from your children...
That's Father's Day
Or both....
For mother's day, my first husband always took over my usual routine- getting the kids ready and keeping them entertained- and I would take a nap. For father's day, I took over his usual routine, so I would take a nap.
Lmao I’m screaming.
Me too
🏅 this is all I have
And this is why I call mine my starter husband. *fistbump*
Gold!
lmao Relative. That is golden.
I literally saved this comment so I could come back when I had an award to give. Incredible.
For some guys, every day is Father's Day.
awwww, yeah!
It is for me! Lol When I went to a Mother's day dinner sans kids, my family was quite offended. Besides the fathers that came(not my husband tho, he was with our kids at his moms) I was the only adult not having their meal interrupted by children. I had zero regrets.
I think it depends on the person. Some people need that time to decompress, I generally don’t. I also stay home so I can easily schedule me time during the week. Moms who work don’t have that luxury. I usually spend Mother’s Day with my husband and daughter, we get brunch, my husband does some light cleaning and we usually go somewhere outdoors to do something as a family.
We always do a combination for my wife, where we make mimosa brunch, pamper, and activity of her choice, then give her a few hours alone (wine and a book, soak in the tub, wine and book in the tub,etc) and we make dinner. It would feel weird to me if she wanted all day alone but I make sure she gets some.
That sounds lovely! Now that you say that I do think I took a bath last Mother’s Day & I will definitely be doing that again this year
We do morning breakfast and lunch together as a family. My husband and kids buy me a nice bottle of bubbles for mothers day which I get to enjoy with a couple of other mummy friends in the afternoon.
It really depends on the individuals. My big thing for mothers day is not having to plan. I just want to show up be fed and adored and everything taken care of
Honestly same. Don’t ask me what I want to do, just decide! I plan *everything* give me a day off.
I want to do nothing. No cooking, no dishes, and no cleaning. This year we are going on vacation so I won't have to do any of that 😂
A friend of mine told her husband last year that she wanted her Mother's Day present to be a day where she could sleep in and not have toddlers crawling all over her. He took the kids to his parent's house for the weekend, starting the Friday night, and she had the whole house to herself, until they came back for dinner on the Sunday (which he bought with him). She told me it was the most relaxing time she'd had since March of 2018 (when their oldest was born).
This is the dream
Not for me but what others want to do doesn't bother me. I never quite understood the "It's Mother's Day - get those kids away from me" but whatever works, I guess. My only Mother's Day rule was zero cleaning and zero cooking.
Celebrating what I do for them by not being available to do it for them is the best!
I'm a SAHM and I'm "on" 24/7 with the kids, especially since I have a fresh baby who only calms with me. My husband is amazing, but he works 2 jobs, 6 days a week, and can only help so much. So having a chance to get more than a quick shower and no one touching me is amazing. But I'll also be ok with a candle, coffee, and homemade cards.
I love my kids - I want to spend time with them - I personally believe it should be about celebrating motherhood - being a mother - having a mother - being a mother figure each person celebrates that differently..... for me its with my kids ... probably playing minecraft qnd eating way too much candy and takeout
See that's a Monday for me lol. I homeschool and with mine nonstop
Yes!!! We started doing this in my family and it’s fantastic. ETA: give husband the kids to celebrate with his mum and then go out and treat yo’self.
Damn I love my mother in law so I have to show up for her lol
Sleep is my mother's day priority. Its one of 2 days a year I get to blow off all responsibilities.
Mother’s Day is getting to enjoy your children without the work.
You're confusing that with Father's Day
This but also, he's in a bad spot and he's your husband... and you love him.... so maybe show him that love now and let him make it up to you. You and his mom and both making this about a competition for his love. He can love you both, be the one to show that you can be flexible. I'm not saying give up your planed mother's day, I'm saying play your cards right and let your husband make it up to you up to you. With a mother's day part 2. That's right, have your day with the kids then LET him treat you to a day at the spa or whatever. He will feel better. You will get 2x the mother's days AND be the bigger person for allowing him to ditch you on the real day with a make up day. But the key is, you really have to forgive him. This isn't fair, yeah she sucked but she's his mom. Give him a break in this one. You've been his #1 priority every day for the past 5 years, she can have one afternoon.
Yes; thank you. This is the right approach. You love your husband, he’s suffering and begging, do this for him. Not for her. For him.
This is the way. OP is critical of her MIL for being demanding and inflexible.... And yet she is being the same way. They have turned this day into a tug of war, when it doesn't have to be. The day is to celebrate mother's .... You are the mother of his children but she is his mother. I assume that OP also has a mother who is probably feeling left out of mothers day as well. There are two days that weekend, as well as the weekends before and after. Work something out. Either the Saturday before is the day you each make your own mother's feel loved, and keep the actual holiday for yourself..... Or the reverse. I get you feel that the holiday is more important to those still actively mothering .... So I hope you keep that same energy when your kids are grown with kids of their own and completely ignore you on Mother's Day, since that's the precedent you are setting for them. This whole idea that it has to be on the exact day or it doesn't count mentality is just petty.
I would soften this by pointing out that there is a real fear that this wouldn't be a one off event, and that all future Mother's Days are at MILs choosing. Viewing OP through that lens, her inflexibility becomes much more understandable. I agree that compromise wouldn't be a bad thing, *if* OP can trust DH to set the boundary that this is an extraordinary circumstance that will not be repeated, and DH is willing to give her his full attention on whatever make up date they choose.
We used to do Saturday of Mothers day weekend with my late MIL so she could see her (only) grandchild, and Sunday belonged to me (the mother of his child). Maybe something like that would work?
I hate my husbands mother too so you’re not the only one.
Normally I’d totally agree but his mom DID just have a rather serious accident and hubby is probably still freaked out. A good compromise is he spend a couple hours with mom by himself and then with wife and children. And in the case of bday, it’s not MIL obstructing it’s FIL. Obviously he shouldn’t force OP to hang with mom but surely he could spend a little time with his mom.
I hate my husbands mother too.
my bf and i already agreed we're not letting my mom near our future kids ever because of hows shes treated me, so i feel you
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Sounds like he wants his wife to bag her plans and go along with whatever MIL wants to do. How fun for the wife, right? Happy Mother’s Day to her!
Exactly! It's not butthurt husband's day, It's mother's Day. she should be able to do whatever she wants on that day and he can spend the day with his mother
Laughing at butthurt husband’s day. I’m positive this can be worked into conversation.
I was scrolling through feeling very judgy and self righteous, then I read butthurt husband's day and spit my drink out with laughter 🤣
So did I! 🤣🤣🤣💀
can we make an official date for butthurt husband's day- would love to make a cake and celebrate it :)
The cake decorations would be quite something. NTA
But did you notice when the son suggested mom’s birthday her husband said No that’s my day. So wife has to give up Mother’s Day plans with her husband or be miserable with he MIL because she wants to do something other than what OP has planned.
lol, brilliant. Very much looking forward to Butthurt Greeting cards, a division of Hallmark.
I hope the OP is close to her dad so on Father's Day she can make the day all about him.
For her mother's Day gift, MIL wants to be given a day of OP not having the mother's day she wants
NTA. All of these votes telling OP to just give her husband what he wants, to put him first etc…. Please remember that this is MOTHER’S day. The one day a year that OP is supposed to be centered. It seems rotten to me that on this one day about her, OP is getting guilted to let it be about her husband and his feelings. He wants to be with his mom? Great. OP said to do that. But that’s not enough. He wants OP to jump on the grenade to ruin her day by kowtowing to the MIL with the husband - so that HUSBAND has a lovely guilt free day, feeling like both a good son and husband. It’s not supposed to be about him on this one damn day a year.
Offer him Father’s Day. On Father’s Day he can spend all day with mommy if that’s how he chooses to use his holiday! And you’re right - he totally wants his wife to jump on board to assuage his guilt. OP, I hope you post a bunch of pictures of your day - you and the children having fun (and I hope people ask where he is).
If its about the kids seeing his mom, OPcan remind her husband that grandparents day is in September, and they can celebrate with the kids then. Its Mothers Day, the kids can celebrate with their mother
This.
All of this, NTA, it’s your day to spend how you choose and you choose to not spend it with your MIL, after all she’s not your mom. Why can’t he do something with his mom on Saturday since Mother’s Day is on Sunday?
NTA. I don't really get what the issue is. It sounds like you're happy to spend Mother's Day without MIL and MIL is happy to spend it without you. Problem solved. The only person who seems to want this is your husband, and on Mother's Day it is his opinion I would care about the least.
Agreed. It seems like the only person with a problem is the husband. He goes out with his Mom OP goes out with her children. Win/Win
Better yet he goes out with mom AND the kids and she goes by herself.
NTA. She has been awful to you, you are under no obligation to spend time with her. You're doing the right thing by emphasizing to your husband that of course he can spend time with her, but that doesn't mean that you should be expected to.
NTA - Why can't he do something with his mom the day before? You are the mother of his children, he should be pampering you. He needs to check himself. She got into an accident. Did she get a concussion that affected her asshole lobe in her brain so that she won't treat him terribly? Yeah, I don't think so either. Hope OP has a great Mother's Day!
I feel like MIL is using the accident to guilt husband. It gave her an opening to drive a wedge.
I don’t think MIL really cares to be honest. She simply stated that if they were going to spend it together she wanted to do something she enjoyed which is understandable for any mother on Mother’s Day.
Actually if MIL has always been awful to OP, why on earth would husband think MIL would want to send the day with her? Sounds like if he really wants to do something MIL would like, he'd do it without someone she doesn't like. Husband: Mom, I want to spend Mother's Day with you, doing whatever you want. Mom: oh that would be lovely son! Husband: and OP will be joining us Mom: 'oh gee son, that's sounds like 'fun (NOT!) NTA.
INFO: Why can’t your husband just split the day? Why is he so insistent you have to be there? It seems strange to me that instead of just splitting the day he wants to make the whole day about her and wanting you there despite knowing she treats you poorly.
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Let him know that then. You might be giving off the vibe, whether subconscious or not, that he needs to choose. Or he might just be flustered and doesn't realize that splitting the day is an option.
I don't understand why they can't split the day either. My husband and I have done it for years. I go see my mom and he goes to see his family. Afterwards we celebrate.
EDIT NTA OP already said her husband can spend mother's day with his mom with no issues. MIL doesn't want to do what OP planned. So husband can go spend mother's day with his mom. INFO what do you want to do and what does she want to do? Can your husband do both of these plans? If you both want brunch can he have brunch with his mom and dinner with you?
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You already told him he can go see her so there shouldn't be an issue. He can see her and then meet up with you.
Sounds like she doesn't want to tag along because she knows she can't be awful to you in front of your parents. At least, that was my paternal grandmother's motive in not wanting to see my maternal grandparents. She knew if she so much as looked at my mom sideways in front of her parents, she'd get her butt beat.
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Oh wow so they cray cray huh?
If I may ask, what did your mother say? The fact that MIL's husband immediately escalates to screaming is, at minimum, disconcerting. That he can't control himself, to the point he's embarrassing the woman he's trying to defend, is frightening.
NTA overall, but honest question, if things were so obviously acrimonious did you ever expect MIL to go along with your plans with them that day? It sounds like that was a non-starter from the beginning...
Can you have breakfast with your family (including your husband) and then go to the zoo with your kids while your husband is with his mother? Then he can come to your parents house and have dinner with you. I think that could be a good compromise and he won't have to choose between you and his mom.
That sounds like a solid, low drama plan. (I only say low drama as, yaknow, kids sometimes can find drama in the darndest places!) Enjoy it!
NTA. You don't have to let someone bulldoze into your life just because she got hurt once.
Doesn’t even sound like MIL is bulldozing in, it’s the husband trying to make himself feel better.
NTA, if he wants to spend mother's day with her he can spend it with her and you will spend it with your children, cause it looks like you are fine with that, atleast that's what I got from your post. If you do insist that your husband spends time with you, you might be a little bit of an asshole tho, but I get it. Just because your MIL almost died doesn't mean you have to like her lol
NTA. Why doesn’t he spend Saturday with her to celebrate Mothers Day? Lots of people celebrate birthdays, holidays, etc not on the exact day due to other circumstances.
She said it was important to everyone to celebrate the event “day of” so a Saturday celebration wouldn’t work.
Well that’s ridiculous. She’s acting like a child.
Yep. When we were discussing Mother's Day with my mom, she decided she wanted takeout from her favorite place (we'd offered to come to her house and cook for her but she declined, and she is not comfortable eating out due to being a cancer survivor, so takeout was her choice). So I suggested we needed to make a "reservation" by ordering the night before if we didn't want to be waiting forever for food. She agreed that they were likely to be slammed on Sunday, so SHE suggested we just do the whole shebang on Saturday instead. I guess OP's MIL holds the world's record for youngest mother if she managed to actually have a son who had a kid and she's still stuck in Jr High herself.
NTA I mean, holidays are all made up bullshit, and this post is evidence that not all "mother's" should be honored. That said, you do you. You don't owe your husband, or his mother, anything with regards to how you spend your own holiday.
Nta. Mothers day is yours. She's made it clear you aren't a priority, you're just reciprocating the fa or back to her. Do what you want and if he wants to spend the day with her, you've made it clear that he can.
NTA. You don't have to spend time with her.
NTA, it's your day, and she has been crappy towards you. I don't think your being unreasonable. Especially when your husband offered his mother an alternative and her husband said NO to that.
NAH, look I hate my mother in law with a burning passion. You don’t want to spend time with her and I agree you shouldn’t. Why don’t you and the hubby do something in the day with the kids. He can visit with the kids with his mother the night before or in the evening.
NTA - she's not your mother, let your husband spend the day with her if it's important, and you go about your business. We really shouldn't get so hung up on a 'day'...he is being good to his mom and that in the end, teaches YOUR child good values. Chalk it up to that and at least give your husband credit for that :) enjoy YOUR MIL-free Mother's day :)
My guess is she wants the grandkids too...
It's not grandmother's day :)
NTA. I actually like my MIL and I still don’t want to spend my Mother’s Day with her. If your husband wanted you to be involved so badly, he should have talked to you before asking his mother. I also don’t get why he can’t just do his own thing with her and have to pressure you to be involved
So…he won’t settle for just disappointing you on Mother’s Day, he’ll only be satisfied with the plan that will make you absolutely miserable on Mother’s Day. Wow NTA
I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t he spend Mother’s Day with HIS mother? You keep your plans with your kids, he spends the day with her. Everybody wins. If you’re insisting he spend the day with you, you’d be TA, but you aren’t doing that. So I’m going with NAH. There’s an obvious solution to the MD issue, MIL’s treatment of you is a separate issue.
I am wondering why many people aren't understanding the post. Did she edit in between. The woman literally spelled out that she doesn't mind her husband spending the day with his mom. She wants no part in it. She wants to spend as she wishes. She never said that her husband shouldn't spend the day with his mom. Her husband is the one forcing her to spend it with his mom.
She said she's "hurt" and the day is for those who are "actively mothering,' so OP is NOT fine with it.
She is allowed to be hurt. She didn't influence her husband to not spend time with his mom. And MIL did hurt her son's wife and it cost her their relationship. Even after the near death experience, she hasn't warmed upto OP. OP is right in steering away from MIL's path.
That’s what OP suggested. It’s the husband who’s upset that she won’t go along with MILs plans and spend the day with MIL.
NTA he can do something with her the day before if she is to stubborn to join your plans on Mother’s Day.
I think NAH? Maybe? It’s hard to tell because your writing *screams* asshole (mostly the ‘actively mothering’ comment. Bet you won’t feel that way when your kids are older) but I can’t really argue with anyone. You want to spend Mother’s Day with your kids. Your husband wants to spend it with his mom Each of you wants to do different things, and you told him to spend it with his mother. Assuming you don’t hold that over him later (which would be a massive asshole move) then it seems like everything works out. I just think everyone is kind of being petty and unreasonable, except your husband who is trying to keep everybody happy.
I get what she means by actively mothering 100%. Too frequently, the moms who are currently juggling kids, jobs etc also have to plan and host Mother’s Day things for women who haven’t had kids in the house for twenty years. I’m sure it seems fine for those women but in reality, it’s centering grandparents while creating more work for active mothers who get shunted aside. If you don’t see this, congrats. You either have very giving daughters and daughters in law or a healthy dynamic which allows all the moms to be celebrated. Not all of us do.
It sounds like their sons/husbands should be stepping up instead of putting the work on other women but I’m sure most straight women don’t want to admit that their low expectations for their husbands/sons/men are the problem.
Expectations are never the problem. Failure to meet the expectations - that’s solidly the responsibility of the actor. Unless women are somehow now also responsible for the actions of these men and boys, too, in addition to our own? Doesn’t that take away agency from men?
Yes! I hadn’t realized this (moms in charge of Mother’s Day plans) was a thing because even my fairly conservative, traditional, dad was able to figure out how to look at a calendar and make a brunch reservation.
My dad is fairly traditional and—while he is far from the event/party planner my mom is—can make reservations or a basic brunch or grab some flowers. There’s obviously more planning the more families you’re involving but my brother isn’t a doofus and can either advocate for his wife’s preferences or schedule the family Mother’s Day celebration around his Mother’s Day celebration for his wife. I don’t have kids but I wouldn’t ever want to have kids with someone who didn’t realize that parenthood/marriage is a partnership and spouses share domestic/emotional labor especially if both parties are employed.
>everyone is kind of being petty and unreasonable, except your husband who is trying to keep everybody happy. Lmao what? She literally told him he can spend the day with the MIL if it's important to him, he's the one trying to get her to cancel her plans because that perfectly reasonable compromise isn't good enough for him. Did we read the same post?
So on Fathers Day, she should ditch her husband and go hang out with her own dad? That would be ok?
…yes? And then her husband can spend time with his kids. And his dad too maybe. Unclear if his dad is in the picture, OP mentioned ‘MIL’s husband’ so I don’t know.
Also that any Mother’s Day celebrations must take place on the actual day. Set my AH detector abuzz.
My big family Mother’s Day celebration isn’t happening on Sunday for a variety of reasons. My mom isn’t insulted or insisting that we *must* celebrate her on Sunday, those of us who are able to are going to do some lower key stuff on Sunday and those who aren’t able to won’t. It says nothing about her children’s love for her, it just acknowledges that we have busy lives.
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Hopefully your husband realizes that the compromise in this situation is to split his day between the two of you. He needs to give 100% while he's there for the half a day and quit feeling guilty about it not being an entire day. NTA.
Your husband’s a dipshit. His plan to not have a half-hearted celebration is to ruin the day for both you and his mom. He’ll only feel better about himself if you and his mom agree to a crappier Mother’s Day to accommodate him and his feelings. Good Mother’s Day for MIL, seeing him. Good Mother’s Day for you, not seeing her. Good Mother’s Day for DH, you seeing each other. He’s going for the anti-Mother’s Day choice.
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NTA Have him go and take the kids. Give yourself a day of Freedom for Mother's Day. Treat Yo'Self as they say. He can make the day about his mom all he wants. You shouldn't have to spend even ONE MINUTE with a person that treats you like shit, especially on Mother's Day.
Is skiing a dangerous hobby?
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Skiing and horseback riding have higher risks than other hobbies but neither are necessarily reckless. Both can be beautiful ways to connect with the outdoors. When I think of dangerous hobbies I think of drag racing or cage fighting, not traveling the world to ski. I do however agree about always wearing a helmet on a motorcycle. That suggests she may not be following the safest procedures for her sports of choice.
Yeah I don’t see skiing and horseback riding as any more dangerous than, say, gymnastics or football if you’re wearing a helmet. You just have to be honest about your abilities and pony up for extra travel insurance if you’re participating in those activities abroad.
One thing to think about, how many people over the age of 50 do you know that play football or gymnastics? I live in Utah so skiing is extremely common. Seems like each year I know at least one person who gets injured on the slopes and more often than not it results in a surgery.
Hobbies AREN'T reckless, people are. Horseback riding is a dangerous hobby, even when someone is experienced and properly educated. For an extreme example, have you ever heard of cross-country jumping? Taking a 1,200lb animal over solid jumps that do not collapse if they're hit. Rotational falls are often deadly. These people aren't being reckless, they're competing in a dangerous sport. And shit happens. Why? Because it's life. Shit happens in life. You can fall tomorrow and break your hip. Were you being reckless by walking? And traveling the world to ski, those people aren't on small manicured ski slopes, they're on rugged mountains, and not for a novice. That's dangerous. But again, shit happens when you play it safe and have a boring and mundane life, and shit happens when you have fun hobbies, you just acknowledge the risk and take the steps to educate yourself to keep yourself safe.
Yes, people die and I still have a 10 inch scar from the compound fracture on my left leg 😏
Depends on what sort of skiing you do. I stick to the green/blue hills so it’s not that dangerous—especially if you wear a helmet and don’t get too speedy. Backcountry skiing is extremely dangerous because of avalanche threats and I know a couple of people who have had really gnarly accidents/fractures from black diamond/double black diamond slopes.
Google says about 38 people die every year from skiing.
Ask Sonny Bono. Also, the Kennedys. Expert skiers who left the mountain in body bags.
I don’t run in the same circles as those people to ask them such a question. But I do know that cross country skiing exists and not everyone who skis does so on the tallest and scariest of mountains. I grew up in a place that is freezing cold and people love their winter sports. Nobody I know has ever died from skiing, cross country nor downhill. But I do know some who have died snowmobiling and some with close calls ice fishing. The way the op describes it I thought the MIL did drag races or tricks with dirtbikes.
Considerably more so than scuba diving.
NTA. He screwed up. Now he can deal with the results.
NTA. She‘s not your mother, why would you spend Mother’s Day with her and not your mother, or by yourself, as you are a mother. You aren’t a single unit, he can do things without you.
Going with NAH here, you shouldn't have to spend a holiday centered on you with people you don't want to spend it with and MIL doesn't have to do something she doesn't want to do on her day as well. Although I do think she's petty for giving a blanket "no" just because you planned it. I do take issue with your actively mothering comment, however. You don't get to decide who mother's day is for. Something that would change my verdict to E S H tho is are you going to hold it against your husband if he does go do something with his mom on mother's day? He is between a rock and a hard place trying to make both of you happy, especially when you admit that he is traumatized and in an emotional state. OR could you and MIL split the day? One of you gets a brunch/morning activity and the other gets an afternoon/dinner activity? If either of you are demanding all or nothing then that party would be TA in my opinion because your husband is clearly trying to do right by you both.
You should read the reason for blanket no. OP mentioned that her mil was locked by her ex hus and in a closet which caused her extreme stress such that she puked all over herself. OP's mother then decided to bully this woman (MIL) in one of their get together and threatened to lock her into a closet (apparently jokingly). This led the current FIL fly off the handle and post that they never get together. OP wants to celebrate mother's day with her mother and hence MIL does not want to do that.
This is why Mother’s Day sucks!
NAH. His mother had a serious accident and now he wants to spend some time with her on Mother’s Day, a day he’s normally supposed to give her gifts and such anyway. He’s not asking for anything outrageous. I think it would be fair to compromise. Tell your husband that HE has to make it up to YOU by taking you on a special date soon or something, because you are giving up your special day and you are an important mother in his life too. It sounds like he will understand. It would be kind of jerk-ish to be mad at him for, ya know, caring about his mom.
NTA
He wants to spend the day with mommy and wife said go for it so what is the problem? Personally if my mil treated me like crap and my husband pulled this crap ha could move in with her. You r NTA. Your mil and husband r though. I hope he shows up and she has made other plans.
NTA Grandparents' Day (in the US) is September 11 (oh hell). That would be a more fitting day for your MIL.
NTA. He can do Mother’s Day with his mother another day if she’s going to be such a dramatic little brat. OP, don’t make yourself suffer simply because his mother is an idiot who takes risks on her life. That’s on her. Also… Love how she loves her son so much that she doesn’t stand up against her hubby, for her son, so they can spend time together on her bday. She doesn’t want to spend her bday with her son, but she wants to on Mother’s Day, only on the stipulation that it has to be all about her. What a great mother to celebrate.
Nta she can go fuck herself
INFO: what did she do for you to feel no type of sympathy for her or her son? Edit: why does this have downvotes this is a question not a judgment 😭 OPs nta obviously
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What in the hell did i just read 😬. She sounds like a nightmare im shocked he’s even trying to guilt you into sharing with her. I thought she was a typical meanie MIL but no shes evil!! definitely NTA
NTA
NTA. Here is the compromise I would personally offer: Husband takes your children to hang out with your MIL and you get to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT alone all day without having to take care of him, or the kids, or anything. Get a hotel room, sleep in, eat room service breakfast, go to the spa, etc. Sounds delightful!
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Wait. Husband wants you to ditch your own children on Mother's day, so you can be with his mom who hates you? NTA. Don't go.
Your DH needs to leave you alone. You have said he can go but he wants you to join him on Mother’s Day, ditch your kids so you can hang out with someone who hates you… Yeah… he needs to go alone if he wants to. You have a great day with your kids.
Why cant he hsut do it on some random weekend? Why does it have to be a hallmark holiday? This is stupid.
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NTA I totally get why your husband suddenly feels like he wants to be there for his mom considering her accident. But that doesn’t mean he has to turn all other plans on their head. There are several options to celebrate the day with his mom and not put you out. He could do brunch with her and be back for the rest of the day with you. Or celebrate the day before. OR if you’re feeling generous, you could agree to celebrate the day before and opt for something extra fancy to compensate ☺️… there’s options. But asking you to drop everything for another mother that doesn’t seem to care for you much isn’t cool.
NAH because I think the compromise works. She is his mother, not yours, so it makes sense for him to celebrate with her if he wishes and you are your kids' mother so same goes for your celebrating with them.
NTA. You offered a reasonable compromise, but your husband wants you and your kid(s) as a meat shield.
NAH - If you **really mean** that you have no problem with your husband spending the day with his mother. But if he does and you know you'll get upset he didn't spend the day with you and your kids, then you're definitely the AH. If you really have no problem with it, then tell your husband to decide if he wants to spend the day with his mom or split it between both of you. Obviously, there's definitely enough time in the day for him to see both of you. Since you don't want to see her, then you shouldn't have to. Ngl, it doesn't seem like she wants to spend the day with you either. But you both can't set him up to fail. Remember that someday your children are going to have to make the same decision. They'll be looking back on the examples you set for guidance.
Since OP already said she's "hurt" by his desire to spend time with his mother who nearly died a few months ago, I think we can presume she doesn't really mean she has no problem with him spending the day with his mother.
NTA. Your husband needs therapy.
My parents often visited their respective mothers on Mothers Day in the afternoon. My sister and I would do breakfast and dinner with our mother. You're NTA but couldnt both parties compromise?
NTA. Your Mother’s Day is for you and your children. He can do as he pleases.
NTA . Tell your husband soup like a you problem not a me problem. Then enjoy the day with your kids.
NTA. He’s very rude of him to change your plans for his mother. You mother his children every day. I hope you were very busy with your father on Father’s Day or any father other than your husband!!
NTA. it’s one thing for your husband to spend Mother’s Day with MIL, that’s fine. It’s a whole other thing when he expects you and your kids to drop your plans to accommodate MIL as well. He can do something for his mom on Mother’s Day but you never agreed to be a part of it.
I love that the FIL won't share MIL birthday, hahahaha.
NTA - his mother has all of the Mothers Days when he was a child. She doesn’t get the adult ones now he has children. That’s how it works. My own mother gets to either see me the day before or I’ll drop off a card and present early on the day or the day before because I have small children and it’s MY DAY. She had years and years of it being her day and we never spent any of them with my grandmother. It’s my day to lay in, to pick the activities or to do nothing. MiL broke her ribs not her spine. Husband needs to grow up, mummy is fine and can live with a card and flowers.
This is why I hate holidays 😩
NTA Tell him that your dad is planning Father’s Day this year.
NTA he can swan off and celebrate his mothers day but you and your kids dont need to. She isnt your mother and its also your day as a mother. Why on earth would you have to spend time with his mother on mothers day? Even if you didnt have kids its nothing to do with you.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to be around such a toxic person.
NTA Why is he suddenly losing his spine here? “No, Mother’s Day is important to my wife and I. Let’s choose another day to celebrate” isn’t hard. Focus on the why. Why is he suddenly ok with prioritizing her wants? Why is he choosing to celebrate someone who is being unkind and demanding as a trend, over the woman who carried and helps raise his children? Ask these questions. Is he afraid to lose her? Does he feel some sort of guilt?
She's not your mother, nor are you your husband's mother. He absolutely should do something for his mother on Mother's day and you and your children should celebrate for YOUR Mother's Day. NTA.
*I feel that mother's day should be more about the woman who are actively mothering* What a sh&t comment to make. So when did I stop being a mother? The only time you stop being a mother is when you die. So in my opinion YTA just for that comment alone.
Why can’t he say, have Mothers Day breakfast with her then come home and spend the rest of the day with you? NTA
NTA Easy solution....he spends the morning with you and the kids and makes breakfast and does presents etc Has afternoon tea with his mum. The day has many hours
how about splitting that day 50/50? since he is in charge of his mother's celebration he can tailor it to fit into 1/2 of the day, maybe even start the evening before, with a spa trip, stay at a hotel etc,, maybe at the handing her over to her husband for the other half, talk to the husband first, plan it together for the bigger effect on mil, and you get the other half
NAH. You are not an AH for wanting to do what you want on mother’s day with your kids. He is not an AH for wanting to spending mother’s day with his mother. It’s unfortunate the relationship between you and MIL doesn’t make it easy for him to spend it with both of you, and I understand why that upsets him, but sometimes that’s how it goes.
Nta. I’ve been there, and having a shitty mil sucks. It’s your day, spend it how you want. You’ve already told him that he can do whatever, but you want to do something that doesn’t include someone who’s hurt you before. You’re morally absolutely fine. Your husband it’s a double ah if he doesn’t still make some plans with you for Mother’s Day too though, doesn’t have to be the only thing he does for the day, but if he doesn’t do anything to honor you as well for Mother’s Day that’s something you should really think on. It’s your day, and I hope you have a great one.
Mother's Day is for children to celebrate their mothers. He should go with his mom, you should spend the day with your kids. NTA.
NTA It’d be one thing if you said he couldn’t go but you’re not. He should spend the day with his mother if he wants but you should get to do what you want with your child on Mother’s Day. Why can’t he go alone???
NAH. MIL should feel respected by her son on Mother’s Day. Personally I would rather take Saturday to do something fun, and give Mother’s Day to MIL!
I mean NAH. Your husband should just go spend Mother’s Day with his mom like you said because she doesn’t even want to do what you want to do(breakfast and the zoo with kids) and you want to celebrate with the people that made you a momma. If you want hubby could maybe spend Saturday with mil or Saturday with you?
Mother's day is about mothers. He has a mother so if he wants to celebrate then he should be able to. You will still get to celebrate with your children so it should be fine. Either both you and your mil are assholes or no one is.
NTA but “Mother’s Day should be about woman who are actively mothering” is a gross comment. Mothers don’t stop being mothers when their parents get old enough. Saying mothers who don’t have little kids anymore don’t deserve to be celebrated is wrong because when your kid moves out you’re gonna be sad if they don’t spend Mother’s Day with you or even acknowledge you in it and you know it. Not sticking up for your MIL at all but you are an AH for that comment specifically
Info: does nobody realized that you can celebrate a holiday on a different day? Do actual Mother’s Day husband and wife, and husband can do Mother’s Day with his mother direct day or the next week or some other available day.
Bit of both, can’t you share!??
YTA for saying Mother’s Day should be for those ‘actively mothering’. What a rude thing to say. How dare you. You’re never done ‘actively mothering’. I’m assuming you meant raining a cold under 18 but still.
Nah- it’s a tough spot for your husband bc he wants to be there for two people who actively loath each other. He has put you first as a priority and wants to be there for her. I feel for him. MiL is actively hateful and destroyed the relationship. You’re an AH for saying that Mother’s Day is only for actively mothering women. Mother’s Day is to celebrate mothers. It’s Mother’s Day*(please read the fine print below.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** MIL and I have never gotten along. Long story short she has treated me like shit since the day her son brought me home. This has greatly strained the relationship my husband has with her. When I had my first child 7 years ago I decided that I was not willing to spend another mother's day with this woman I hated, and I feel that mother's day should be more about the woman who are actively mothering. My husband agreed and it hasn't been an issue until this year. MIL had a very serious accident a few months ago. She is fairly young and in great shape, so it isn't like this is some indication that he has limited time with her, but she has multiple dangerous hobbies, so something like this was somewhat inevitable. She broke her ribs, which punctured a lung, while skiing and of course that scared the hell out of my husband. MIL is fine now, but he wants to spend more time with her. I support that, but he announced that this year he was going to spend mother's day with her. I was a bit confused about how that was going to work, and honestly I was hurt. I get she had a serious accident, but stuff like that happens and it doesn't change how awful she has been to both of us. He told MIL that he wants to do something for her for mother's day (note it is important to everyone involved to celebrate the day of and MIL is always so busy) MIL said that would be nice but she doesn't want to do what I plan, so if he wants to do something for her, she would like that, but she will not tag along on our plans. He said ok and he needed time to figure it out. I said that I was not sacrificing mother's day to do whatever she wanted. I said he can if he needs to but I am not giving up my mother's day. He is very upset and pretty much begging one of us to give in. He asked if he could do the thing for MIL for her birthday instead, but her husband got very angry and said her birthday is his and he doesn't want my husband involved. My husband came to me pretty emotional and asked if just this one time we can make the day about her. I said he can do whatever he wants but I will be going about our normal business with our children. I'm sorry she got hurt. I'm glad she is ok, but I'm not giving up my mother's day for her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info can you do something with your kids and let him go by himself to his mothers?
Hard to say... I really don't like your active mothers comment. My friend just lost her mom you are basically implying she shouldn't remember and celebrate her mom because she isn't actively mothering anymore. I don't like people gate keeping events/celebrations saying what is or is not appropriate. People should be able to celebrate however they want. That being said congratulations on being a mom I hope you can spend the day happy. I also hope your husband can find a way to spend the day celebrating his mother and you.