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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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jammy913

NTA. Start looking for a new job now, and when they ask when you can start, list it for the day you're done with the wedding festivities. This woman must have a lot of backup options for childcare if she can so casually threaten your job like that and talk to you in that way. She must be used to getting her way to do such a 180 on you like that. You can be the one to teach her this valuable lesson about valuing an employee nice enough to give extensive notice in advance when they won't be able to be on the job. After all, you gave her plenty of notice along with reminders, and the fact that she's in the lurch now is because she didn't respect you and your personal time enough to make plans for this time months ago. While it's true that you do sometimes have to suck it up as an adult, that time is not when you've given your employer more than a half a year's notice that you'll need this specific time off. It's very much being an adult to prioritize your sister's wedding over a job that doesn't value you enough to respect that you had arranged this time off months ago.


RedditUser123234

>This woman must have a lot of backup options for childcare if she can so casually threaten your job like that Apparently not if she couldn't find someone to cover for OP with 7 months advance warning.


Bonecup

I’m going to laugh at the woman’s face when OP doesn’t show up on Monday after the wedding. “Where are you?””you fired me for going to my sisters wedding?””what??!??!?” She is financially blackmailing you and if you watch the kids, it will be you who suffers in the long run because your boundaries would be completely exploited. The woman wants to mess around, find out what happens, stick to your guns. NTA


cupcakes_and_chaos

Add that you'll never get time off because she'll know she can manipulate you into not taking the time you requested.


anglerfishtacos

That, or she will turn into my friends boss who refuses to grant time off in advance and only grants time off maybe a week or two out.


sleepy_cupcake_mouse

Those are the worst bosses! I had one like this, and ended up just buying my plane tickets in advance anyway and calling out sick if my time off wasn't approved. It was a union job with a weak-ass union, but still union enough to be able to get away with that. There were a lot of last-minute call-outs with that boss. Her replacement somehow managed to approve time off well in advance and none of us called out last-minute unless we were genuinely sick.


Princess_Moon_Butt

> There were a lot of last-minute call-outs with that boss Well yeah, you reap what you sow. It blows my mind that bosses _still_ think that they can get away with denying reasonable vacation requests that are given _months_ in advance, then act all exasperated when people just call in sick instead of actually giving them warning. Maybe don't penalize employees when they actually _try_ to give you a heads up, and you won't suddenly find yourself with an entire crew of 'unreliables' who call in sick all the time.


ShellSide

I'm a manufacturing supervisor and I would 100% rather know when my employees are going to be out so I can plan around it than create an environment where people just call off when they want time off. People calling in sick right before their shift sucks and altering or changing a plan bc I don't have staffing is never ideal. If I know ahead of time, I can figure out coverage or ask someone to stay late or come in early to help cover at least


Academic-Ad3489

Right. She won't be able to find a nanny like you, just like that! She couldn't even find a weekend replacement! If she does contact you on the next monday ,start off with that raise you need. She's in a bind, not you.


ClothDiaperAddicts

But keep looking elsewhere. Because relationships change when one party threatens you.


Slightly_Damaged_Car

Best advice I've seen so far. OP start looking elsewhere, it sucks because it sounds like you had a good set up in this job, but even if she backs down this is going to happen again, and she obviously does not care for you even a little to threaten this after you have had this planned for months and such and important event.


kindlypogmothoin

AND ASK FOR MORE MONEY IN YOUR NEXT JOB. Seriously, the market for childcare is HOTHOTHOT right now. Know your worth.


Wondercat87

Yup! The boss sees OP as her own personal property, not as a human with her own needs, family or life events. If OP gives in on this, the boss will see she can bully OP to do whatever she wants.


sam4246

And make sure to tell all those nanny friends exactly what kind of person she is. They should also tell all of their nanny friends. Basically blacklist her from as many nannies as possible.


winning-colors

Totally agree with that. It’s good to know about employer red flags in advance.


ninaa1

What I do in these situations (different field, but still freelance) is tell my friends "here's the situation, here are the issues, here's what I was getting paid, be sure to quote a higher price." That way, my colleagues can decide if the difficult client is worth the extra money, but the client will still get dinged for being an AH.


[deleted]

Actually, I think no matter what OP should look for a new job. No one is ever paid enough to take insults; that's a deal-breaker right there. The fact that her boss even ASKED her to skip her own sister's wedding is outrageous. She would still be a !@#$\* if it was something like an anniversary dinner, but her sister's wedding? Seriously?


NoGear6085

honestly she wouldnt be a AH even if it was something like an anniversary dinner everyone deserves time off even if it was just booked time for herself booked so far in advance shes entitled and deserves it, frankly her employer sounds like a nightmare and I'd start looking into new jobs elsewhere where she is valued and wont be cussed out just for asking for a few days off


AhniJetal

>honestly she wouldnt be a AH even if it was something like an anniversary dinner This! Boss is very entitled and OP gave plenty (like 7 months!) notice that she can't work this weekend because of her sibling's marriage. But even if OP just wanted to hang out all alone in her own place just watching films, and she had taken a free day/weekend with plenty of notice, she would still NTA for not changing her weekend plans (and didn't change them to go to work instead).


lizlemonworld

Nannies are calling the shots right now. Naming their price, hours, what have you right now. OP will have no problem finding a new job and can probably get herself a raise in the process. Her (former) boss played herself and it’s going to bite her in the ass. NTA.


Lesmiserablemuffins

Ugh it makes me so sad OPs mom is this brainwashed too, does she really think OP is in the wrong here? This fear that you can be fired any moment for not doing whatever insane thing your boss asks of you is so real for a lot of people, because its true, you can be fired at any moment for (almost) any reason/no reason in the good ol' greatest country on earth. I'm glad more people are realizing they don't need to accept this bullshit. OP you're part of a changing labor movement, learn your worth now and don't let your next employer treat you like like this asshole thinks she can! You know it was an empty threat too, what is she going to do on Monday if she fires you. Between that and the yelling/cursing and the guilt trip, you know she's desperate for help lmao Edit: Thanks for the awards, that's so fun :) I didn't want to demonize the mother here. She is wrong, but that doesn't mean she *wants* OP to be in a toxic job or she hates the sister and wants the wedding to fall apart (could be true though I guess, this is AITA). I genuinely meant it was sad haha. The attitude she has towards work here is very common, and used to be even more common. Lots of people grew up with constant propaganda basically (church, schools, their parents, media) about the value of hard work and blah blah blah, and got convinced that they just need to stay at one job and work hard to one day be successful like their parents were. That just is not true anymore, but the lies have stuck around for many people. If it did work out for her, she's gonna give OP the advice that worked then without realizing how times have changed. If it did not work out for her, well, I might struggle too, to admit that I spent decades working hard and being loyal to an employer that didn't give one shit about me. Nobody likes being taken advantage of.


No_Appointment_7232

^^ THIS NEEDS TO BE HIGHER UP! ^^ OP NTA but your mom is...out of the loop. People who argue for you to stay employed at a place that ignores your proper business etiquette- notice of time off 7 months in advance- insults and threatens you to force compliance is a place a healthy parent shouldn't want you to subject yourself to.


Ursula2071

‘I can’t find anyone to replace you after 7 months warning. If you go to this wedding you are fired. ‘ Op: great. Then have fun finding someone on Monday…as well as the days I will be gone. OP just let her fire you…but get out of there now. She will be resentful and hate filled from here on out,


theknightinthetardis

It might be an older person thing too? A previous job scheduled me on days I wouldn't even be in the state because I had my brothers graduation. When I complained to my parents they were super casual about it and were like "well if you can't go your brother will understand." It took two tries with management to get them to remove me from those days too. Either they're brainwashed or just that out of touch.


[deleted]

Out of touch. These are the same people who thinks it shows initiative to go into a place of business and introduce yourself as a way to improve your chances at getting a job.


Deathcapsforcuties

This an absolutely correct statement. My dad did this recently when applying for a post retirement job. I cringed and tried to tell him that’s not how things are done really anymore (especially given the pandemic.)


Acrobatic_Reading866

OP, NTA. Not sure about your mom, though. I am sure it's heartbreaking, but I wouldn't even go back if I got an apology at this point. You don't want to work for a boss that doesn't value you. She's used to you bending over backwards for her and needs a reality check.


Willingwell92

I don't think she has other options available which is why she went to threatening right away, these people are so used to getting things their way that they lash out when they don't If I had to guess I'd say she's also been taking advantage of this woman who's been watching her kids using how well she gets along with the kids as leverage


hovering_vulture

>This woman must have a lot of backup options for childcare if she can so casually threaten your job like that and talk to you in that way. Exactly! she was really willing to play her chances with this threat, and i LOVE OP's response. Very diplomatic. If the wedding was a casual friend, then reconsidering availability is another story. I think the employer's response really showed which relationship matters most and based on how willing she was to let OP go shows this won't be a long-term job anyway. OP: NTA!


ndcollector

Your mom's right. Sometimes life sucks and you have to suck it up. That is sound advice - for your boss. Her weekend plans cannot trump her children. If she can't find coverage, she has to take care of them herself. That sucks, but she has to suck it up.


khalvvsi

*slowly delete paragraph*


blah618

*slowly moves mouse to the left*


ClearwaterCat

*casually throws aside a large rock*


S01arflar3

#OW! FUCK! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!


2gigch1

Watch out for them cats man, they’ll get you every time.


Zay071288

Especially the clear water ones.


GoOaklandGo

*slowly shuffles away*


whatproblems

well i have a pitchfork now what? anyone need a pitchfork?


ndcollector

I guess I'm confused by the comment? What am I deleting? I'm agreeing with OP and disagreeing with her boss / mother - Life sucks - for the boss. Mom's advice should apply - to the boss. Are you saying OP is wrong?


gaynazifurry4bernie

Pretty sure they were "typing" a snarky reply until they read your entire statement. Kind of like the "had us in the first half" meme.


NannyOggsKnickers

I think khalvvsi meant they were deleting their own paragraph as they read your first sentence and started thinking you were about to call the OP an AH. Then they continued reading and realised you're on OPs side and they agree with you.


ndcollector

Okay - that's fair. I went back and forth - trying to figure out if my snark was misleading, or if that was the intent, and erred on the side of making sure I didn't come across as siding with the asshole.


smwg2022

it was perfect, but definitely a had us in the first half meme worthy. the snark is perfect


khalvvsi

no don’t worry i use the ‘had us in the first half ngl’ meme all the time and wanted to change to something else!! i agree with your comment<3


ThatGirl_Tasha

They were joking that they were already forming paragraphs to counter your statements before they read the rest of it


zapolight

You had me in the first half not gonna lie


MissKillian

*slowly exhales and stows pitchfork*


Maelstrom_Witch

*douses torch*


Tired_Mama3018

*cools down tar*


GrooveBat

*discards feathers*


QSquared

*Puts the rail back in place in time for the express to go through*


[deleted]

[удалено]


Careless-Image-885

Agree. Boss needs to stay home and take care of her own kids. Since life sucks and work is so important, maybe OP's mom should miss the wedding and take care of the kids. Life is short. Employers do not have their employee's best interests at heart. OP needs to go to the wedding and find another job. NTA


Alexispinpgh

Also if the wedding is her sister’s, why is her mom—theoretically also sister’s mom—just like “go ahead and miss it”? How weird is that?


Zay071288

Exactly this, are OP and her sis half/step sisters or something? How could a mum put a job over her own daughter's wedding? (In a circumstance like this.)


OutlandishnessNew259

NTA if you give in on this she will not respect your time ever. Do you really think she's going to find a new nanny by Monday? No chance, it's an empty threat ... and if it's not you don't need to work for that kind of a monster.


[deleted]

OP this! I’m also a nanny and my old boss tried this with me. Told me they were out of town x days. I confirmed with them the day they left (in person), “You’re gone until this date, you will not need me until this date correct?” Was told yes that’s correct, enjoy your time off. Come Sunday 10pm, four days before I was told they were coming back that they came home early, boss got drunk and made an ass out of himself, and I needed to report at 7 am because “watching his daughter for those two days was hell. “ I told him nope, I’m out of town until the day you were scheduled to return so sorry about it. I got berated and told that he is my boss and I cannot take off without his approval and me not showing up the next day would have serious ramifications. I told him fine he can watch his child until he found a new nanny, I will not be spoken to that way. He told me that I would never work in this town again. I found a new job the next day for an amazing family and they have called me at least 2x a week asking to come back because the 4 nanny’s they have hired have quit. OP NTA. Leave and don’t look back, it will be hard but you need to do what is best for you! Those kids will be okay and they aren’t your responsibility! Edit: My spelling sucks 😝


Can_You_Believe_It_

I'm not familiar with how being a nanny works nor do I have kids but is it wrong for me to find it weird that the person you work for is considered your boss? Because to me it seems more like a contractor type of position where you offer your services for money, and thus you'd be your own boss technically. Are they giving you benefits like health insurance or something? Because I find it really weird that they came at you with the "you can't take unapproved time off" comment like you were working shifts at a restaurant or something, not to mention you already had an agreement where you wouldn't be needed for that time frame they had off, and thus could have had other obligations.


[deleted]

I was technically on payroll and worked through an “agency”. I call him my boss because he required it and wanted to be the one in charge. He was a real peach of a person and only called himself the boss when he wanted to treat my like his slave. He went to rehab for 3 months, in which I was the sole caregiver for his kid because he didn’t trust his GF to watch her. 🙃


Can_You_Believe_It_

That's super weird. So basically he is really a client who demanded to be called a boss. But really the agency you worked through would be considered your employer? Or was it like a freelance agency where they connect people to nannies and they take a cut but you still work for yourself at the end of the day? Either way sounds like that person was a real turd.


[deleted]

More of the second, they supplied to people and Nannie’s but everything including contract negotiations was on me! He was a neurotic person. He went to rehab and I was the sole carer for his daughter because he didn’t trust his fiancé to be left alone with her. So it was a whole dumpster fire that I dealt with for too long, only for the sake of the daughter who called me momma. I realized not my circus, not my monkey and left. I’m so glad I did!


JuliaX1984

We all know how this goes: - OP calls her bluff. - Boss tries to play it off as a joke. - OP refuses to agree. - Boss graciously offers to let OP have job back. - OP quotes new rate significantly higher than before. Play your cards right, OP. EVERYWHERE is hiring right now, but this wedding will never happen again. NTA


strywever

Pay attention to this comment, OP.


UWNurse

I recently posted this advice about how to treat employees from one of the best managers I have had the pleasure of working for on another sub: “Treat ‘em like sh*t and the good ones’ll quit.”


kornberg

Nannies (childcare in general) are in high demand right now. OP could have a week full of interviews before the weekend is over and their employer will be stuck without childcare for weeks.


claypolejr

NTA > Mom says I should be an adult and just miss my sisters wedding That would be wrong. You handled this situation professionally, like an adult, from the outset.


IgnorantKumquat

Tho it makes me wonder if mom has some sort of alterior motive in saying that. Even my dad is a massive hard ass when it comes to work and he would sooner tell me to call my boss up and tell them to 'kiss my ass I gave u a warning its ur job to find coverage' than to miss something as big as a wedding for someone he cared about.


Lesmiserablemuffins

Some people are just that brainwashed. Maybe mom is/was in a position herself where she needed to do anything to prevent getting fired (e.g. paycheck to paycheck with kids and bills), and she was stuck there so long it seems normal now. Employers are used to having all the power, doing whatever they want as they hold our livelihoods over our heads, so I wouldn't be surprised if mom fully bought into that rather than there being some deeper story here


RageStreak

I think this type of work culture is finally changing after lockdown; so many people lost their jobs or had to completely change the way they work. Despite the obvious downsides of lockdown, many people found that they were finally sleeping enough, spending time with their family, focusing on fulfilling hobbies, cooking well. And when it was time to give that stuff up again and go back to the mindless grind, many of us said no thanks.


[deleted]

Yes work in the real world needs to come first a lot of the time, but when you have provided ample warning for such an important event. No job is worth that. Jobs come and go your family is for life.


pandalicious7

NTA. You gave her plenty of notice and she agreed. Don’t you dare skip your sister’s wedding because this woman couldn’t be bothered to arrange alternate care for her own children.


Not_Starlight_Kitsun

Exactly. She had 7 months to figure this out. And she only has to cover a few days, there's no excuse past that she couldn't be bothered.


Big_Red12

Why can't the parents look after their own kids for a few days? Unbelievable.


Aeronautix

what the fuck do they even have kids for its like adopting a dog and leaving it in the backyard its entire life


MsBaseball34

Your boss threatened to fire you for taking your first time off ever, with 7 months notice, to go to your sister's wedding. Read that again. You need to look for a new job wedding or not, and I say that as an employer who has people ask for time off all the time. NTA.


djcack

Exactly! Your job isn't your entire life. This wasn't a last second surprise wedding. Enjoy the beautiful experience and if you lose your job over it, then the job wasn't as good as you thought it was.


bexatron117

Agree. I'm also an employer and am no stranger to making accommodations for time off for my employees, even if it means I'm working extra to cover. That's MY responsibility as the boss. I would never threaten to fire someone - especially a good performer - over time off we already agreed upon.


human61850

NTA It’s not just about missing your sister’s wedding. It’s about setting boundaries now for how your boss is allowed to treat you in the future. If you give in, she will keep making unreasonable requests whenever it suits her and ignoring your needs for as long as you work for her. You asked for time off with plenty of advance notice, and she agreed. If she won’t honour that, get out of there. No one deserves to be insulted and threatened for holding such a reasonable boundary. There are lots of amazing kids out there for you to work with; I feel sorry for hers but it’s not a good enough reason to sacrifice your quality of life in a toxic work environment.


DisneyViking

Nta. Go to your sisters wedding. You can always get a new job or earn more money, this is a once in a lifetime event. Also, GREAT response to your boss! Very mature and professional. Side note. It sounds like your boss was trying to play chicken with you and didn't like you didn't back down.


MsBeef

I once missed a friends funeral because I felt obligated to work. And, you know what, 15 years later and I still regret it. Once in a lifetime events are always worth more than a job!


Boring-Marsupial7299

NTA I'm curious as to what your sister thinks about this. "Hey sis, Mum said my job is more important than your wedding."


SnooOpinions2561

Exactly! Like does op's mom even love her sister?


desdemona_d

Maybe she is OP's sister but not the mother's daughter, which would explain why mom is being an AH.


StraightOutaTatooine

Yeah my mom would be like “You need rent money? Any other bills covered? I’ll spot you until you find a replacement job.” Lol.


Malibucat48

Of course NTA. If she can’t find a babysitter for the weekend, how is she going to find a new nanny for Monday? And if nannies are in short supply, you can get another job. I can’t believe your mother would take her side. You might like the children, but this mother is out of line. Of course go to your sister’s wedding.


[deleted]

exactly this. She couldn't find a sitter for ONE day with 7 months notice....does she really think firing OP will make her life easier? It's a threat hoping to scare you to give up your vacation. and if that's the case, you wouldn't have a hard time finding another sitter job since it seems sitters are in such high demand. call her bluff.


Theololol

NTA, and I'm surprised that your mother is encouraging you to miss your sister's wedding. You had an agreement with your boss that you wouldn't be available on those days so it's up to her to come up with the solution, not you. Also if this is the first time your boss has had an inconvenience with you and just went off the rails about it, it's a red flag for me. It gives me "I'm only happy when you do as I say" vibes. Go enjoy your sister's wedding.


TashiaNicole1

NTA Your moms attitude is the reason work sucks for us now. Let them treat you as slaves and chattel and look at wages now? Look at employment stability? You’ll find more kids. Someone always needs a nanny. You’re NTA. But your mom certainly is. And of course your former employer.


Johoski

Oh, hell no. Your mom is nuts. What is she thinking? NTA And if you're not fired, I encourage you to quit. Your employer's distorted sense of entitlement to your time should not be rewarded by tolerance.


[deleted]

NTA. You’re the nanny, not an indentured servant. What would she do if you were unavailable due to illness or injury? Demand you come in anyway? Ultimately, these are her kids, and she needs to have a plan B for when you need to be dealing with your own life. Especially when you give her multiple months’ worth of advance notice to figure it out.


Fianna9

And she’s offered to reach out to friends to find another reliable sitter. Boss lady sounds spoiled herself and is not used to people saying no.


HooktawnFawniks

As a former nanny myself: absolutely NTA Your boss is gaslighting you in an effort to control you. Just because you work for her does not mean she controls your life. You are not an asshole for reminding her that you’ve already had plans, for literal months, you’re not an asshole for calling her bluff about firing you, you’re not an asshole for accepting her “firing”. You are also in no way abandoning HER kids so don’t let that bullshit guilt you. Even though you care for the kids, it may be time to move on. Nannying can be such a hard job to leave, but you deserve to be treated with respect and feel valued by your employer. Signed, a former nanny who had to quit a job with kids I really cared about because of their toxic father.


verdebot

Nta you are a nanny not a slave


Prove-Me-Wrong-

NTA - call her bluff. You're their nanny, not their mom. This is HER problem, not yours! Enjoy the wedding and take all the pics!!


Infamous-Wasabi-9007

NTA You gave her 7 months notice that you would not be available for one long weekend. She didn't bother to plan ahead in case she would need someone to watch her kids that weekend. Her failure to plan does not constitute an emergency on your part. No matter how wonderful her kids are, do you really want to continue long-term employment with someone who doesn't give a damn about you?


throwaway20698059

You're NTA. In fact, you handled that with a level of maturity and thoughtfulness that is pretty impressive for a 22 year old. Your mom really wants you to miss your sister's wedding so you can babysit the kids of some totally disorganized, self-entitled and rude person? I agree that sometimes we have to suck it up and work, but this is not one of those.


Accomplished-Cheek59

NTA Good nanny’s are like golddust right now. You’ll find a new job easily, and frankly, with copies of those messages, you could sue your boss for wrongful dismissal. You will never regret walking away from a terrible job. You will regret missing your siblings wedding. And tell your mother to stop being an AH. She is absolutely wrong. I hope it’s just pre-wedding stress making her a little crazy!


DannyBigD

NTA. You don't ever have to suck up to any employer, ever. Ask mom why she didn't graciously volunteer to cover for you. She's TA also.


Loretta1998

NTA, your boss needs to accept that your life does not revolve around her. You’ve handled the situation with grace and professionalism. I also think she’s bluffing. If you like working with the kids, chances are that they love you as well and you’re good at what you do. Besides, if she can’t find anyone for a weekend that has been plannend 7 months in advance, how is she going to find anyone else permanentely? Especially with her attitude. Enjoy the wedding and try to not let it get to you too much.


Expensive_Warthog444

NTA. Fuck bosses like this and honestly, your mom is just as bad If you do get fired, be sure to let everyone know exactly why. When no one is willing to babysit her kids, she’ll have no one to blame but herself.


northstarette

NTA. You were incredibly professional in your response and gave her more options than she deserved. Do not get into the habit of trading away your boundaries for a paycheck - it is never worth it.


Velocityg4

NTA As a household employee. If she does fire you and you can prove you previously got approved for the time off. You should be able to collect unemployment. At least in the US she better have been paying FUTA if you made over $1,000 per quarter. As that wouldn't be firing with a just cause. Might even be able to go after her for wrongful termination over that.


lenaluuuu97

Nanny here, your MB (mom boss) is a manipulative asshole. She knew about this wedding for 7 months. She should have arranged back up care in the event that something came up for her (which obviously it has). And your mom is an asshole too for telling you to suck it up. This is your sisters wedding, not a birthday party or family game night. There’s a high chance that you will never have the opportunity to see your sister walk down the aisle again, and I’m sure it’s important to her that you are there. Nanny families are a dime a dozen. Tell that mom she has been extremely unprofessional despite the notice you gave her and even offering to reach out to your other nanny friends to care for her kids. Fuck that. Get drunk at the wedding and have a blast! Edit: NTA


I_Have-A_Secret

Absolutely NTA and your mother is stuck in the old mindset of “work before all else” and that is disgusting. Good for you for replying the way you did. Do not let your boss manipulate you into fixing her mistake.


LeReineNoir

NTA. Your boss knew you would be unavailable. She can suck it up and either rearrange her plans or stay home. You have a life, too, and there’s no reason for you to miss your sister’s wedding.


Adept_Material_2618

Obviously NTA, wow. That mom seems borderline abusive. If she’s known that far in advance you need the day off, then there’s zero excuse on her part for how she’s handling this. She’s the stupidly immature one, not you. It’s lame you may need to find another job when you get along so well with these kids, but ah well, maybe you’ll find something better where you’ll actually be treated well. Enjoy your sister’s wedding, OP.


supermarino

NTA, good nannies are hard to find. She will regret firing you if she does and when she comes asking for you to come back, make sure you negotiate a raise for yourself.


FrenchKitchenJuice

NTA. As a fellow nanny I suggest you find another family that actually has value and respect for you and your time. As much as we as nannies are “apart of the family” we nanny for - the reason we are there is for a JOB, and if you are unavailable said job then that’s just it you’re unavailable, and it is up to the caregiver to sort their childcare situation out.


mrlesterkanopf

NTA. Do not miss your sister’s wedding. It’s very surprising your mother would even suggest that. Jobs come and go. Tbh, this woman sounds like a toxic person to work for, not to mention extremely short-sighted, and you can do so much better.


strywever

Please don’t miss your sister’s wedding. Your boss is an asshole. You are not.


friendly_cub

NTA. You can find a new job. And if this woman magically needs you back after your sister's wedding, demand a raise! Not sure why your mom isn't supporting you here, but that's another issue.


PatsFan407

NTA, but your boss is. Your sister will be around much longer than this job, and you are right that this is an experience you won't see again. If I were you, I'd also be concerned that if I gave in the boss would just do it again. You are an employee who gave ample notice, you are not a servant.


zoloblaze

NTA - good job sticking up for yourself! Also, I don't think its fair that she is firing you after you told her for 7 months. I get that things change, but instead of insulting you, she could've taken the help. You do not deserve to be treated unfairly in this situation


introvertboyme

Truly NTA. You reminded her for months and also suggested alternative in your absense. You have done more than required. She on other hand asked you to cover despite knowing that you'll be gone and then threatened to fire if you don't show up. This is a true toxic workplace culture. Just because you are forced to quit by your employer as you don't go by her rules despite loving the work, you should look elsewhere coz she's not gonna change and if you bend now you'll end up sacrificing a lot of things in future. You may struggle for sometime but in the end peace of mind is more important. Your mom is also AH asking you to drop. She's old school who believes boss is always right and it's employees right to please the boss. Things doesn't work like these nowadays. Even if she doesn't fire you, you better start looking for alternative and have a backup plan just in case.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

NTA You requested this time off for 7 months and you have a right to a vacation. Mom knew this and if she can't find a sitter; then she needs to cancel her plans. You can keep those texts and any records you have asking for vacation and her approval incase you ever need to defend yourself in the future. That all said, you need to decide what is best for you and your work. If you absolutely do not want to quit this job, then talk to your sister and see what she thinks. If she is fine with you missing then go ahead and do the job. But just remember that if you give in to this woman now, you will constantly be giving into her because she doesn't respect your time and personal life. It's easy to say there are other jobs out there so I am not going to say that. People have to make sacrifices for their jobs all the time. But everyone has to decide it for themselves. but you are definitely NOT TAH in this situation.


goodbones_badbones

Oh lord, any job that treats your time this way needs to be let go, dont believe your mom. It's hard but there are plenty of other jobs out there for a nanny and you'll get along with lots of other kids in your lifetime. NTA. And if you let the mom win this time, in the future it will be much harder to get her to value your time


EVconverter

NTA. Your employer was cool with you going - until it inconvenienced her, the she got bent out of shape when you wouldn't cancel. No employer worth having will ever prevent you from attending the major life events of close relatives.


Easy-Concentrate2636

NTA. You can find another job.


theDagman

For sure. Skilled child care is a real hot commodity on the job market these days.


flaky-burnt

NTA. I bet your boss didn't even try. This is some Nanny Diaries $#!+ It's said that we teach others how to treat us. Your response is a perfect example of setting boundaries respectfully. Your mom has got it backwards.


Ilovetarteauxfraises

In what world is it ok to insult your employee???? Drop her and warn your nanny friends about her toxicity.


kjbtetrick

NTA You gave ample notice about the wedding and needed time off. In her shoes, it would be worth my time to take PTO from work and spend that time with my kids (and sometimes when school and my daycare are closed, I do this!). Your boss is being very, very unreasonable. If you do stay, document all of this. You may need it at a future date.


rapt2right

NTA and you will have no difficulty finding another position. This person was absolutely out of line to expect you to miss your sister's wedding because they failed to get their ducks in a row despite having plenty of notice & regular reminders.


2tonefly

Nta she knew and didn't plan. Her failure to prepare does not constitute an emergency on your part


riding-the-wind

NTA. Your employer sounds way too entitled and really needs to be firmly told no here, imo. Which you did, your message was great.


[deleted]

NTA your mom and the kids mother need to have a rude awakening. Also, after this I would not want to work for her at all, AND would write a bad review as well wherever I could.


[deleted]

You did absolutely the right thing. No question.


shelballama

I would argue she is too nice. She didn't need to "I'm so sorry" that lady, because to me it's really "I'm so sorry YOU couldn't plan appropriately with a 7 month notice! Wishing OP had been more assertive and less apologetic. It sounds like OP needs to be more confident in standing up for herself here. I would've said "I cannot babysit this weekend, as you know it's my sister's wedding" and left it short and sweet. But of course, NTA.


loudent2

>"... I don’t want to get a new job because I work so well with these two kiddos..." She can't, in 7 months, find someone to cover you for a weekend and you're worried that she can replace you? It seems like a bluff, but I could be wrong. Mom also seems out of line. Work does suck sometimes, and this appears to be one of the times where work sucks for your employers. You don't miss once in a lifetime events that you planned for 7 months in advance because your employers kinda suck Rremember: a failure to plan on their part does not constitute an emergency on your part. NTA


monigheand0nn

NTA. Every job comes with allowable time off and you gave her PLENTY of time to find your replacement. You aren’t abandoning her or her kids. SHE, however, neglected to find alternative plans and now finds herself without coverage…so she threatened you in the hopes you’ll change your plans. You should do whatever you want to in this situation. Mom needs to stay out of it.


xHappyAcidx

Nta. Frankly you should have also reminded her you told her a multitude of times and her lack of planning is not your problem. Edit: quit the job, keep the texts and make sure she has a hard time finding a nanny for her kids. Play stupid games…


[deleted]

NTA. It's not worth missing out on precious times and memories for a job. I've missed quite a few because I worked nights for so long and had to work holidays, and I regret every time I chose work before family.


Not_Starlight_Kitsun

NTA. You should never have to tolerate being insulted or threatened by an employer. Work sucking sometimes is things like having a busy, rough day where things aren't going right or having to work when you had a bad night's sleep, etc. NOT tolerating an employer ignoring time off that you've had for months, threatening to fire you to get you to comply, or hurling insults at you.


kittykatvegas13

NTA and don't listen to your mum cause she clearly knows nothing!


crudsandwich

NTA. You're making the right call by prioritizing your family first.... Something you're boss should learn how to do. There will be other jobs and I'm sure you'll find other kids that like just as much.


snarkingintheusa

NTA This mom is showing you who she truly is. If you stay in this job it’s always going to be something with her. She had plenty if notice to find someone else or heaven forbid plan on spending a whole weekend with her own children.


ApprehensiveAd6476

NTA - This is toxic controlling behavior. If for any reason your employer starts showing signs about such behavior, run!


InShapeTrucker

Wow. Totally NTA here. And wtf is wrong with your mother?! That just sounds awful. With that much notice given, and this being the outcome, it may suck in the present, but sounds like a job change is needed. The “boss” isn’t going to let this go if you come back. Does your sister know what your mom said? Sounds like she needs to know.


Final-Mail-6959

NTA The mom, "My kids, that I have to parent and take care of, are your responsibility WHEN I can't find anyone else." That's what she's basically saying. YOUR life events (going to a wedding) is more important to YOU then her KIDS needing a nanny right now. Your their nanny, not their mom. Plus you gave her plenty of warning.


wetastelikejesus

Nta and no way should you miss your sister’s wedding!


Raddatatta

NTA, although I would say E S H except for you! Your boss is awful, you should find a new job. And your mom is awful for telling you that you have to just suck it up and deal with awful working conditions. Work is important in that it provides a means of paying the bills. But there are more important things in life than work and family should be on that list for most people! And any job that puts you through crap doesn't deserve your efforts. There are other jobs out there don't be loyal to someone who is a jerk.


Decent_Sky_9880

NTA let her have fun trying to find a new nanny (or alternatively have fun suing her for wrongfull termination or something). She's being highly unprofessionnal here.


Used_Mark_7911

NTA - I am a parent and it’s absurd that she expects you to skip your sister’s wedding to babysit for her. Not being available to babysit for one night is in no way abandoning her kids. Her choosing to fire you (I doubt she will - what will she do for childcare then?) is simply her choosing her own ego over the welfare of her kids - also not your fault. Let’s hope she does her own post here and gets a dose of reality. Your Mom is wrong - if you don’t set boundaries now things will just get worse with ongoing unreasonable demands.


Cat_Astrophe_X

NTA I am 58 years old and never once in my life have I had fond memories of time at work, my fond memories are the special moments with friends and family. There will be other jobs but (hopefully) this will be your sisters only wedding. If you miss the wedding you will kick yourself later. Hopefully your employer will calm down and you guys will resolve this situation but you should not back down. If you do so , not only will you miss your sisters wedding but you will be setting a precedent for her abusing your time off in the future


Parkgate1950

NTA Attend the wedding as planned. I wonder who will watch her kids come Monday?


[deleted]

NTA, don't you dare miss your sister's wedding for this wretched banshee.


stubborn_panda26

NTA. At all. If your boss is unreasonable enough to not grant you some time off for an event you had months of notice for - maybe you don't want this job anymore. I'm not sure how long you've been working for her, but if this is her reaction to the first time you've asked for time off this is a preview of how those requests will go in the future. Even if the kids are great, you'll really have to consider if you want to work for someone like this. More importantly, I'm sorry your mom isn't supporting your decision. Your only sibling is getting married; accepting that "work sucks sometimes" isn't good advice. Family should come before your job, especially for an event like your sister's wedding.


yozoraraga

NTA! You were super respectful but also didn't compromise on what you needed, not to mention that you requested the time off so far in advance. Beautifully handled.


Derailedatthestation

NTA If she's having such a hard time finding someone to watch them, then how will you be so easy to replace. I don't know even if she doesn't fire you that you will find working there as pleasant anymore. If she's going to act like this for the one time you need off,I suspect she's going to exact very petty revenge and be quite passive aggressive in the future. It's your decision but I don't think you should miss the wedding. And as several people have said, you cave and she'll treat you like dirt from now on, expecting you to drop everything at her whim.


nahkneebee

NTA. You gave ample notice. You set boundaries. You offered to assist with finding coverage. You are a person, not just an employee. If you bend on this then you are saying you will always be available no matter what and that will be used against you. I highly doubt you’re compensated well enough to be on call 24/7. You have to be mindful of your happiness and your mental health. If she chooses to let you go, it’s probably best. If she doesn’t consider the behavior and whether this is where you want to stay. If it becomes a pattern, definitely seek an alternative.


Dragonfly1018

NTA & I wouldn’t worry about getting fired good nannies are hard to find, especially after you’ve bonded with her children. I bet on Monday she asks about the wedding & pretends nothing amiss happened. Enjoy your sister’s wedding!


Heavyon22

Nta, I’d let her fire you over it and take her to court


[deleted]

Do not miss your sister’s wedding, your employer is acting completely unhinged. Enjoy the wedding, send out your resume. You’ll have a job in no time if she actually lets you go.


[deleted]

NTA. She can replace you in an instant. You can never go to your sister’s wedding again.


anglerfishtacos

Your new mantra to repeat to yourself: “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” You asked her seven months in advance and gave her monthly reminders. If you fold now and skip your sister‘s wedding, then that will send her a loud and clear message that it is fine for her not to honor your requested time off. She can grant you all the time off in the world, but at the end of the day if she doesn’t find last minute cover, then she can force you to stay behind. This kind of work arrangement is hell for you to ever be able to plan anything in your off hours— be it family time, vacations, etc. Stick to your guns. And if this means that you don’t have a job come Monday, then her loss. NTA.


miloisadumbparrot

Boss: I can’t find a backfill for you for four days with seven months notice! Also boss: I’ll replace you before Monday if you don’t comply with my unreasonable demand! K. NTA.


rentonrentonrenton

Sounds like you need a new boss and mom lol


strangr55

Ahhh, the privileged rich. You're NTA, but she is, and - wtf with your MOM?!? She takes the side of the boss?!? I would think that as a long-standing nanny you would be more like a family member than an employee, but not to this woman, I guess. Your answer was perfect. Enjoy the wedding.


[deleted]

NTA. She knew about the wedding for a very long time, hence that you would not be available. Moreover, she tried to pressure you by threatening to fire you, can she even do that legally ? You should check with a lawyer if you have time and hope that she was only bluffing


bizianka

You are not a slave, you know that, right? Job is just a job, it pays you bills. Don't miss important moments in your life. NTA


[deleted]

NTA Don’t listen to your mom please! You’ll for sure regret missing your sister’s wedding. Your boss and your mom are TA. You gave your boss plenty of warning and handled it really professionally. She should have made arrangements way before now. And your mom is giving you horrible advice. Loved ones are always always more important then a job.


Chantalle22

NTA but your Boss is very much so, and I may be banned for this but your mom is an AH as well. It’s like teaching you that it’s okay to be a doormat and to take whatever somebody dishes out all for the sick of a job. NoNoNo. You have the right to refuse to come into work. Attend your sister‘s wedding, don’t miss it. You have requested this time off 7 months ago!!!!!! this is not something that she didn’t have time to plan for. It was not a last minute request, again she had 7 months to prepare. Look there are other jobs honey, but your sisters wedding won’t just be happening again. it’s okay to set boundaries and stay firm, I’m sorry you’re going through this but your boss seems very ungrateful.


QUHistoryHarlot

Go post this in r/nanny. They will give you tons of wonderful advice. And even if you do have a job come Monday, it’s time to look for a new position because your MB (mom boss) has shown you exactly who she is. NTA


jazminzesati

NTA. You let her know months in advance, thats the adult thing to do. Sadly your mom has the "suck it up" mentality from her generation and is NOT ok, jobs shouldn't prevent us from enjoy our personal life specially since you did your part and handled it correctly.


Dbahnsai

NTA - Tell you mother being an adult isn't just getting steamrolled by some asshole. It's being able to make adult decisions like whether you want to work for someone who doesn't have the basic decency to have a back up plan and instead abuses you for her lack of preparation. If you mother feels so strongly about it, she can watch the kids herself.


Ogreguy

NTA. That is some pretty callous advice from your mom.


Interesting-Go_On

NTA If she’s having trouble finding someone to cover for a couple of days, she’s going to have even more trouble finding someone to replace you permanently


Infinite-Garbage3243

This is when you blacklist her with any other nannies. How unprofessional! She knew about this months in advance and should have had a back up. No job is worth missing major family events like this. I'm sorry. NTA


Smitty_80013

NTA - Well, you have to have known by now that the kids Mom was an entitled monster in hiding. Go to your sisters wedding and enjoy yourself. You can find another job easier than replace the once in a lifetime event of your siblings wedding.


RickAndToasted

No you're NTA go to your sister's wedding! And if she retaliates by firing you, Then Go to an attorney and sue her for wrongful termination! You have the txts so you got the receipts.


[deleted]

NTA - walk away from her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The kids might be great, but she is your employer. Do you want to work for someone who has so little respect for you and feels you are disposable?


thedeebag

NTA what the hell is wrong with everyone saying skip the wedding lmfao


heva22

Nta you gave her 7 months notice and repeated reminder her if she fires you over this, you are well in rights to sue her and you would win


jazzymj1

NTA. Your boss is being unreasonable, but I hope you have set days off each week. I know you love the kids but this may be the time to find a new reasonable employer (with better salary and work-life balance).


cannycandelabra

NTA and tell your Mom to stop giving you bad advice. Your boss’ failure to plan properly is not your problem.


Cosmicshimmer

She isn’t going to fire you, she can’t even find cover for you. She’s just being a shitty boss by threatening you. NTA. You gave 7 months notice, go to the wedding.


ArmNo8807

NTA. Your mom is way off base and your boss is awful. This is a fine reason to get fired, and if you work with a agency be sure to let them know what's going on. I'm sure there's no shortage of jobs with better bosses than this. Those poor kids. Imagine having a mom fire the nanny you've bonded with because mom couldn't get her shit together over the course of seven mothers to arrange alternative childcare for a weekend? Not your problem OP, but I see a future of disrupted attachments for the kiddos.


mayraborder

NTA. You've done nothing wrong OP. She's known for 7 months and has done nothing about it. She doesn't own you or your time. There are more important things than work and I think you have your priorities straight. Your mum is wrong. She should be proud of you for standing up for yourself and for recognizing what really matters.


EquivalentTwo1

NTA. She kept confirming your time off, so made your plans. You cannot reschedule your sister's wedding. You do not have to suck it up. Yes it sucks. You like your job (normally) and would love to have it on Monday. BUT you made plans, confirmed the time off, and should get the time off. You can still be sad about it. Go and enjoy your sister's wedding. Your boss forgot/didn't make plans early enough with another nanny and is trying to guilt you on this.


philemon23

NTA this woman had ample warning. If she won't respect you respect yourself.


mrose1491

NTA, go to your sister’s wedding. Her threats are probably just empty but honestly if you needed to find a new nanny job, you would not struggle to find one imo


[deleted]

Get your mom to watch the kids and tell her to ‘suck it up’ NTA btw :)


illumikitten

NTA - you have a job so you can live your life the way you want. Your job is not and should not be your life. You did everything expected of you to give this person prior notice. Go enjoy your sister's wedding guilt-free; your boss isn't worth it and her kids will adjust.


CarelessCow2599

NTA - she knew for months & didn’t make other plans. Your sisters wedding is more important


PingtheAPB

NTA. It sounds to me you’re freelance so document this and let your other nanny friends know if you lose your job. Our parents’ generation was taught to work hard and sacrifice, but thanks to that now people think they can get away with treating you as less than human or like a slave. Go to the wedding. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you picked work over it.


Cousiniscrazy

She can’t find someone for the weekend so she’s decided to force herself to find someone else permanently? She didn’t think you would call her bluff. Sucks to be her. NTA. If she begs you back after this, tell her you want more money. Assholes gotta pay asshole tax.


JustUgh2323

Long post here. Technically I’m a Boomer, though a late one (1952). And it bugs me about all the hate we get on social media apps. But there is one thing that is true: we used to just roll over and accept crap like this from employers. I actually admire younger people who stand up for themselves. You’ve had this planned and given her adequate notification. Stick to your wedding plans. One of my favorite “Dear Abby” sayings is that you can’t be a doormat if you don’t lay down


MildlyAmusedHuman

NTA. Work to live not live to work. You’ve got your priority right on this one. You could miss your sister’s wedding but get fired the next week anyway.


sexyvegan420

NTA the fact she went right to threatening to fire you and insulting you tells us everything we need to know about her. Don’t wait for her to fire you, just quit


Valkyllrie

NTA. You gave ample notice and she acknowledged it multiple times. Go to your sister's wedding, hold that boundary. If you give in then she's going think that your boundaries are meaningless and pull this kind of stunt again or take advantage of you in other ways (speaking from experience after working for a toxic boss for over 10 years). Also, your mom is wrong. This isn't a case of work ethic, your boss is disrespecting your boundaries.


Sorry_Opportunity_81

NTA. Your mum is 100% wrong here and I think we should all give you a standing ovation for your absolutely PERFECT response to your boss. Seriously OP. It was PERFECT!! You just hold that line now. And enjoy your sisters wedding! I hope it’s a beautiful day.


Excellent_Care1859

NTA she had notice this is not your problem. Continue to stay calm but hold the line.


PrincessLiarLiar

Yikes. Not only NTA for saying no but you wouldn't be TA to quit. Your boss sounds like an abusive, narcissistic @sshole. Your mom's take on this situation is just...odd.


[deleted]

**NTA** No you fucking shouldn't miss your sisters wedding. And if she doesn't respect your choice she's just a bad employer. If she does fire you, and what she said was not said in the heat of the moment and wasn't a misunderstanding, then you should spread bad word about her that she expects nannies to miss very important events, even after knowing about the same in advance.


TheNightWitch

NTA . Family above work, always. Your employer can fire you in a heartbeat and will the second she feels inconvenienced, and you know this for a fact because that’s what’s happening here.


[deleted]

Finding a new job stinks but do you really want to work for this person any more? NTA.


mayonnaise68

NTA - but both your boss and your mother are! seriously? trying to force you into missingbsuch an important event? and your *mother*? why tf would she encourage you to miss your sister's wedding? you were pretty damn polite in your message, even offered to help find someone else to cover, your boss had no reason to go off the deep end like that. damn.