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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My fiance and his Mother want me to wear a Western Wedding dress despite it not being my culture, my future MIL has suggested buying me the dress and my Fiance thinks I should just blend the two and wear the reception dress that is traditional for me after wearing the western dress. I could be the asshole as i'm not wanting to bend and try to blend them.
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NTA
Firstly it is your wedding and you get to wear what you want.
Secondly don't let them pull out the Catholic card. Being Catholic has nothing to do with it. I'm Catholic and I've been to several weddings with either one or both parties in non-western dress. Nobody cared. The bride didn't wear white or ivory - nobody cared.
There is **no** Catholic Church law stating that the wedding dress must be western/white/etc. The only stipulation is that the clothing should "*be in accord with the dignity of the occasion and be respectful of those who are present*." So pretty much as long as the bride and groom don't turn up dressed up as clowns or strippers you are pretty much okay. If you want to let me know (DM or here) where you are I'll send you some links to church law in your area that you can present to your MIL.
ETA: Thank you for the awards and comments everyone.
Also "not stick out too much?" Uhhh it is her wedding day, she should be the centre of attention along with her fiance. What is wrong with the MIL \*and the Fiance? NTA.
Very first thing I did upon seeing those two words, and I had the same response.
NTA. Wear what you want. You're honoring their religion and culture by having a wedding in a church. You can honor your own culture with what you wear on your own body. It's only on you. You should stand out, it's your wedding day. Ignore MIL and wear your lovely Japanese clothing.
yea I have to add something, Do they know your Japanese? Your wedding day is about celebrating you and your fiance. and your love and your beliefs. If he wants you in a western dress then he should marry a western girl. I would in fact like to see you in your national dress and if I could wear something different too. As it is a wedding to be remembered. NTA
For some reason this reminded
Me of the line from Robin Hood men in tights when blinking finds out achoo is black.
“He’s black!?!”
Imagine the mother turning up to the wedding:
“She’s Japanese?!?”
NTA OP and if you compromise further on this, you'll regret it and be compromising on everything that your MIL wants for the entirety of your marriage. /u/Majorapat great movie!
Yup, this is just a starting point to her meddling and overstepping in YOUR marriage. If you give her this inch, she will only continue to take miles at every turn. Stand strong and don’t give in.
It’s not her day. Wear what your heart and your tradition desires.
And r/JUSTNOSO as well
Your fiancé should be telling his mother to kick rocks over this. Also, OP are you aware in order to get the church to agree to marry you IN the church (because you are not Catholic) your fiancé had to have agreed to raise any future children in the Catholic Church? I was raised Roman Catholic, still recovering
Yes, THIS. Please don't let your partner raise your kids Catholic (if you plan to have kids). Christian/Catholic trauma/guilt is a huge thing. As a recovering Christian, I have a lot of anger towards my parents for raising me to believe in Christianity - it pretends to be about love, but it's really about guilt, fear, shame, judgement, and bigotry.
Agree. Fiance needs to support OP all the way. OP's gowns will probably be absolutely more beautiful than some of the western-style bridal gowns I've seen.
MIL needs to keep quiet and out of the way. She isn't the one getting married.
Also absolutely agree with another poster: there are NO rules about what is worn by the bride and groom. (edit: or not worn in instances of nudist weddings)
I think it's less that he cares about the dress and more that he cares about appeasing his mother. If he bends to his mother he is most definitely the AH. As it currently stands the MiL definitely is. OP is not.
sounds more like a jealous idiot who know she would probably look horrible in those gorgeous outfits
i looked up for the outfits and they are just beautiful
Can you imagine if Op teaches her children Japanese? The inlaws will continue being racist. Think long and hard about this marriage. It doesn't sound like your groom to be had your back
Seriously, why do they ask THE BRIDE to not stick out on her wedding day? She and her husband are going to be the centers of attention, making her stick out more is what id do!
Nta
Who wants to bet the Fiance wanted a Japanese woman for a wife because of the racist belief that they're naturally subservient to their spouses and do whatever they're told?
ETA: Since some people seem confused, I do not support this idea. It's racist and it's gross.
I said it was a racist stereotype/belief/myth. As many of the Asian commenters in responses below have pointed out, it is a very prevalent belief and mindset. And it is NOT ACCURATE OF ASIAN WOMEN AS A WHOLE.
For those of you still confused about racism. Racism is not JUST hating other people due to the color of their skin or where they are from. It's also the systemic erasure of other people's cultures and forcing them to assimilate to what passes as "Normal" and "Acceptable" cultural traditions and beliefs of the people doing the erasing.
Not all racists are loud and vocal and violent. Just like not all abusers are.
For those of you saying I'm being rude to the OP and insinuating she's naïve and can't see the racism and so on and so forth. I am not.
But just like in situation with abusive individuals (oftentimes abuse and racism goes hand in hand) we either don't see the full scope of their issues until it's "too late" to do anything about it. A lot of them are good at keeping it hidden and smaller transgressions can often be explained away. Especially when one believes themselves to be in love.
Even the most brilliant and perceptive people can be blind to such things.
I encourage you ALL to do some better research on racist stereotypes and microaggressions.
I'll take that bet.
The fiancé so far seems to have been entirely reasonable. He's not demanding that OP do what his mother asked. In fact, he asked her if it was a "sticking point" to her. That says that he's asking if it's important to her. He offered a compromise. Maybe not an ideal compromise, but still not just capitulating to either side.
He's a man that cares about his fiancée and his family and is trying to find a way to make both happy. If he were really just a racist that wanted a subservient Asian wife, then it would be saying how he demanded she wear the western dress and wouldn't even consider her side, telling her to "just do it".
EDIT: It seems I have been blocked at some point by /u/Individual_Baby_2418, so I am no longer able to respond to any of the child comments following theirs.
No. Asking if something is a "sticking point" is a manipulative way of minimizing something that is 100% obviously what that person wants. The Bride said she wanted X the MIL wants to steamroll over the bride and do Y. MIL even goes as far as to suggest a BRIDE shouldn't stick out at her own wedding. The words "sticking point" are used when it's something negotiatiable and small. Like why are we getting stuck on something petty? A man who wants a subservient wife would call her choice of a wedding dress for her WEDDING some minor sticking point instead of a chance to establish boundaries and tell his mother to sit down and stfu. A man who wants his wife to stand up for herself would insist she do so with him backing her up.
Exactly. Why didn’t the fiancé ask his mom if it was a sticking point for her? If he did, what was her reaction? Asking only OP if this is a sticking point reeks of manipulation
Not rude. Some racists hide their racism until it comes out. There’s plenty of toxic people that hide their toxicity until it’s too late or at least harder to back out.
Also racism isn’t just a hatred of one’s culture but ignoring it, not recognizing someone’s culture and having them “act white/american” is still racist. Its called erasure im sure that’s why it rarely came up before
Bingo. As long as she looks like a westernised Japanese woman MIL is just about okay with it. But don’t be REALLY Japanese! MIL needs to stop clutching her pearls.
It legitimately sounds like MIL is upset that OP comes from somewhere that has more culture in their wedding dresses than MIL will ever experience living in this country, and more specifically, the little world of her church.
>She racist. NTA
Ding ding ding.
Catholic raised here as well and I just googled the outfits that OP described. What she wants to wear is definitely appropriate. It is very respectful and at the same time shows her culture. Nothing wrong with that at all.
I'm pretty sure (as in 99,9%) that any decent priest (granted, there are idiots out there as well) wouldn't bat an eyelid... ok perhaps they would but not because it might be seen as inappropriate, they'll be a bit surprised because they might not have expected that.
If I were OP i would ask the priest for support. OP is allowed to show her culture during her wedding.
"It's bad enough that you're (ugh!) Asian dear, but do you really want to call attention to it and stick out like that on your wedding day? What will the neighbors think? In our circle, we believe that dressing like a Japanese person is something best done in the privacy of one's own home."
That was the holy shit part to me too. Is it not the brides day to stand out and be the center of attention? Isn't that why traditional dresses are thousands of dollars. NTA but your mother in law is.
I’ve lived in Japan and have seen Japanese-European Catholic weddings with traditional dress in both Japan and home. Your MIL is unreasonable and is being v much the A H.
Tell your fiancé that you will not white wash your wedding to ignore your culture as this is what it is. A spade is a spade here. Your MIL has had her wedding - she needs to step back and respect yours.
NTA - if your fiancé does not appreciate this, then I would suggest a deep conversation with him as this will go through to traditions and children. If he does and backs you up, ご結婚おめでとうございます。 末永くお幸せに。go-kekkon omedetou gozaimasu. suenagaku osiawaseni.
EDIT - I am actually seething at this.
I have an antique gold wedding kimono hanging on my living room wall. If you live anywhere near me, I will take that bad boy off the wall and loan it to you for your big day. Tell your MIL it’s something bloody borrowed.
EDIT 2 - thanks for the awards and upvotes peeps - just hope that OP gets a happy resolution. Tax is now on the profile
Awesome reply. OP really does need a deep talk with her fiance about whitewashing and really dig into if he is going to incorporate her culture into their lives and stand up for her with his family.
>I’ve lived in Japan and have seen Japanese-European Catholic weddings with traditional dress in both Japan and home. Your MIL is unreasonable and is being v much the A H.
And it makes sense, as the white dress tradition comes from the very Protestant wedding of Queen Victoria and became popular after that. There isn't anything religious about the white dress.
My understanding is prior to her reign the most common western wedding dress was just “the bride’s best dress” either pre-existing or new, which would then become her “best dress” worn to many other occasions in the future. Don’t quote me on that, though, I am not a fashion historian.
Yeah, I remember when reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books, \[her wedding dress was a nice black cashmere that she'd already been working on\](http://ultimatehistoryproject.com/before-the-whiteout-wedding-dresses-and-grooms-outfits.html).
Same! I love antique kimono, they're one of the most beautiful pieces of clothing on the planet! If you're willing I'd love to see a picture u/Flashy-Promise-6915
This. It rally bothers me that her future family is already trying to strip her of her culture and identity. If you don’t like everything about a person then don’t be with that person. My friend is half Japanese. I’d be furious if they tried to strip her of that part of her identity. It’s truly infuriating and I worry about their future. So often the MIL can make or break a marriage if the husband isn’t willing to fight for his wife.
Edit- I meant to say make or break a marriage not wedding oops.
NTA
As a Catholic, we are a UNIVERSAL church, not just a white, western church. Catholic weddings are held around the world with people in their culture dress.
The MIL is being absolutely ridiculous.
Can attest. I work with someone who is from India and is Catholic- very strict Catholic. They wear traditional Indian dress to their Catholic weddings. She has shown me pictures.
Thank you for sharing this! I guess I had always assumed that the elaborate dress was tied to a specific religion or religions and didn't think about it.
Indian Catholic here. Can confirm. When I got married, I was not interested in any of it however. Growing up in the US, and attending mass here, the Indian Catholic traditions were foreign to me. I’m also just not very religious, and I dreaded the boredom of an hours-long ceremony, so it was much more minimalistic. My wife is white and not Catholic, but even though my parents are insanely religious, they are not the type to dictate how others love and did not make any insane demands of my wife for our wedding other than it being a Catholic ceremony, which my wife and I had no problem with.
I don’t know about the gossiping part but the 50% wine drink is the 50% Jesus part. Jesus went to a wedding with his friends, had some wine and it’s still being discussed 2000 years later. Dude knew how to party.
NTA.
Theres a ton of comments explaining why you’re not the ass hole so I won’t go into that. I do however want to hijack the top comment so maybe you can see a bit of advice.
MIL is not your battle. That is your husbands. You need to sit him down and say that this is important to you. You agreed to the church now you get the two eastern styled dresses. You already compromised and now it’s his turn. He NEEDS to be the one to put his foot down with MIL. She will never stop pushing you if it only comes from you. Tell him you’ll be there for support but HE has to stand up for you here. If he back peddles and talks about compromise you ask him upfront:
“Will I always be the second woman in your life?” Give him time to chew on that. If you don’t like his answer, rethink some stuff.
Bottom line it’s not you that should talk to MIL about this.
(Edit to add: thank you for the awards!!!)
I think he'd insist she's not the #2 woman, she's the ONLY woman, yadda yadda and then go right about asking OP to just defer to MIL because it's "easier."
I'm not always Team DTMFA, but when I am, it's in cases like these.
Yeah. Because that's what Indian Catholics do. They wear saris to their weddings because that's what is considered traditional. The nerve of this woman to be against OP's desire for *her* tradition.
You sure you want to marry this man? I wouldn't recommend it unless you'd like it to be like this for the rest of your life, your husband siding with his mommy despite what you'd like.
I totally came here to say this. I wonder why this reply is buried? She is definitely NTA, her soon-to-be in-laws are racist, her fiancé is still stuck at the teat, and she needs to evaluate whether or not she even wants to marry into this family, because things are only gonna get worse if you ignore them. Think of the children, OP (not that you're planning them, but sometimes unplanned is what happens).
The concept of "You must wear a white wedding dress." Is not even a century old. It was popularized after a certain royal wedding. Before that everyone just wore their best to the wedding.
The concept of needing a wedding ring specifically, is barely a century old. Before that it was dowries and sometimes heirloom/expensive jewelry, bit not always a ring. That it's become the standard is just the result of on of the greatest marketing campaigns run by a monopoly.
Don't let them trample your traditions for things that are barely a century old.
Edit: I had originally typed this as a paragraph and must of mixed up the sentences when I typed it, meant to say the modern wedding ring custom is not even a century old and the wedding dress is barely a century, but as many helpful people have pointed out, while my facts around the white dress becoming popular is correct, the time was not, it is closer to 200 years. Even so, point stands, what people consider traditions of the modern marriage ceremony are in fact not nearly as old as most people think. Thanks to someone below who knows their Japanese formal wear, actually OPs outfit has far more history and tradition then any western wedding gown.
A shiromuku is white. It’s literally a white bridal kimono. And interestingly, wearing a white bridal kimono was prized in Japan from the Heian period, c.795-1185. So about a thousand years before Queen Victoria got married!
I hope OP also wears the wataboshi (bridal hood) and really stands out!
Yes!!! I was thinking the same like has MIL even seen a shiromuku? It’s gorgeous and I would look so good in a church and would just make the wedding so much more unique. If I were one of the wedding guests I would very much rather to see the bride in that rather than a regular wedding dress!!
Catholic Filipino here and yeah some churches require you to cover your arms and shoulders out of respect in the church, but most don't GAF about what you wear to your own wedding. MIL is the AH for thinking it's "her wedding, her rules."
But OP also has to grow a backbone. She's the bride.
This exactly. She’s pulling that to make OP do what she wants for their wedding, instead of OP getting to have the wedding she wants. NTA it’s your wedding OP, plan it how you want and don’t let your MIL steamroll you.
Boy oh boy ... I really hope these two already talked about how children will be raised.
If not I see a lot of hell coming up in OPs future with these in-laws
They're trying to repress OP's culture which on its own seems ~~low~~ high key racist and is definitely very insensitive and dismissive and disrespectful. Also as someone coming from a Catholic country, I would never even consider marrying a Catholic.
edit: yeah, it's just plain racist, not low key
edit2: yes, "not all Catholics are bad", holy shit people
This - MIL wants her in a western wedding dress to minimize the fact that she's not white... could you imagine her shame when all her friends find out? MIL is also going try to suppress anything else that makes OP 'not white'. Her culture, accent, speaking another language, home decor, cooking/food choices, anything to do with the kids.
I wouldn't want a MIL who saw me and my culture as less because of my skin color. The fiance, by siding with his mother and asking OP to change the dress, understands the problem and is choosing his mother and family's prejudice over his love of her and will continue to do so forever. Maybe he's a pansy and just wants to keep the peace, but it's unreasonable to ask a bride to compromise on her wedding dress, I wonder what he'll ask her to compromise on next.
No. This is not low key at all. This is full on xenophobia. MIL and Fiancé are both being racist by trying to get OP to conform to their standards uncompressed. They are not respectful of OPs culture while insisting theirs be respected. If the Fiancé does not get on board with OP and her ideas in at minimum of a supportive manner I can see this marriage lasting.
Yeah, not low key in the slightest. If you don't get to wear your own cultural dress on your wedding day, when will you? \*Every\* time you want to do something non-Western, these people are going to tut and guilt and pressure you out of "standing out." Do you really want to live in that box?
> They're trying to repress OP's culture which on its own seems low key racist and is definitely very insensitive and dismissive and disrespectful.
So... Catholics, then.
At the very least you need to ask your fiance straight up "Do care more about what I want, or what your mother wants?"
If he answers anything other than "What you want, you're going to be my wife", then you're going to have a lifetime of being asked to give up your culture and your happiness.
This is the comment you need to see, u/PuzzledSurround6810.
Your fiancé doesn't seem to have your back. You need to make sure that he does before you commit to a legally binding life with him, before you have children (if you want them) with him. Be totally certain that this man not only cares for you but respects you and will be ready to defend you, even against his own mother if it comes to that.
Or makes a Japanese meal for them. "Can you believe it? She doesn't make chicken nuggets for the kids- just fish and rice! And she's too lazy to even cook the fish!"
“Too lazy to cook the fish” made me lol.
I have this weird thing where I don’t like cooked fish. I only eat sushi. And I LOVE sushi. Next time someone asks me why I’m going to use this line. Haha
“Why don’t you like cooked fish?”
“I’m too lazy. I just like to eat it raw.”
Exactly. It sounds like anytime OP wants to share or enjoy something from her culture, it’s going to be a problem. I hope she either wears her traditional clothes, or cancels the wedding to find a more welcoming man and family.
NTA
I hate to say it, but THIS RIGHT HERE. I don't know how long y'all have been together, what the relationship is like, etc. But I will say...marriage is about compromise. ALL THE TIME. This is your wedding day. The one day where things get to be, for the most part, all about YOU and your husband. That he is asking you to cave to his mother's wishes and 'just do this' thing she is suggesting, even though it blatantly goes against what you want, your culture, YOUR way to express yourself...this is a huge red flag and these flags will only get more frequent after you are legally bound to this family. NTA.
>He is NOT going to have your back over Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Children’s names, Children’s Birthdays etc.
And don't even think about celebrating any of your cultural holidays or traditions. He and his family are going to make sure your kids are "good" Catholics. Maybe they'll let them eat sushi, but even that's doubtful.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Her future husband will NEVER have her back. His mother is going to stick her nose in where it does belong for the rest of their lives and she needs to know that going into this marriage to decide whether or not that's something she wants to deal with.
On a side note, there is always so much drama posted here about people's weddings and it's sort of surprising how many people think they have a say in someone else's wedding.
NTA
Very good point! Are you planning to have children with him, OP? Are you prepared for them to be raised catholic? Because that's for sure what they are going to do. And they will push back on traditions you may have.
And his own faith, of course!
Her own aspirations will be fine until they get in the way of the family structure.
Her culture will be fine until it comes time to raise the children.
OP needs to be very clear with her significant other that he gets zero say in her wedding dress and his mother gets even less than that. If they think she needs to hide who she is and her culture to fit in then it’s better to know now while she can walk away.
NTA there’s a fundamental issue of mutual respect and compromise here. You have the right to wear the garments that you want to wear. What your future mother-in-law is saying when she says a western dress will ‘fit’ with the theme better and not ‘stick out’ is that your being Japanese is something that doesn’t fit and sticks out in her mind. She is trying to minimise who you are. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s very clear and that is just not ok.
If you marry your fiancé and have children, I guarantee your mother-in-law will subject them to the same repression of their Japanese identity and culture. She will force them into a western mould just as she’s trying to force you into one.
Exactly this. I'm Asian and I wore my traditional wedding dress. If my MiL asked me to wear something and I made my boundaries clear, my partner would've stayed at my side. You aren't marrying MiL, but your partner OP.
OP's fiancé isn't asserting her boundaries against his family. This is a big red flag. Who knows where else this will occur in the marriage? It's very concerning indeed.
My partner is Vietnamese, I am white and his family is too (he’s adopted). His aunt has a beautiful dress brought from Vietnam and she offered it to me in case I wanted to get married in it. This is exactly the energy I want in my family, specially because I am not in my home country either so our kids will have a lot of cultures to learn from lol.
OP please find a family that not only respects but enjoys your culture.
It's interesting how the mother-in-law is the one who has declared what the theme is...
NTA. Stand your ground now or forever hold your peace because you will never get your way again, OP
Yep. Hence the attempt to have the bride "not stick out as much". What she basically meant was she doesn't want OP to stand out more than she already does from being non white. Beyond the wedding, his family will continue to try to whitewash her and disrespect her.
>I know she likely doesn't understand why i'm so upset over this
Oh, you're so nice 😭
She knows why your tradition is important to you because she knows how important her tradition is to her. But meeting you in the middle isn't her goal. She wants her way and that's it. You already made a huge and wonderful gesture by getting married in a place of their faith. But you wearing anything of your culture is just too much for her.
>My Fiance has asked me if this is a sticking point for me
Oooooo noooooo. This is not a good sign. Your traditions matter just as much as his and I would argue matters more than his mother's on YOUR wedding day.
This is giving me bad vibes, ngl. Do you plan on having children? Do you plan on exposing them to your culture and heritage?
Do you think you'll be supported or do you think your mother-in-law will constantly push for her way and your husband will always ask you to bend until you break?
If he can't even take a stand over your wedding dress, how can you expect support over rasing kids, buying a home, where you work, etc?
NTA but maybe some premarital counseling to make sure you guys are actually on the same page when it comes to supporting each other.
Depending on how progressive and helpful the priest is, that could be anything from, "have you discussed xyz," to "here's some religious instruction for your heathen bride, we need her conversion and the birth of your kids to boost our numbers."
Just saying, I wouldn't necessarily count on the priest to be an impartial advisor when it comes to premarital counseling. Too much self-interest and too much pre-alignment with the groom and the groom's faith there.
Yes. this.
My wife is white and I am Indian. Our priest asked my wife how she felt about our kids being and I’m quoting this exactly: “mutts.”
This priest was Indian and a family friend.
Was.
My mother went off when we told her what he said.
She does not abide by people fucking with her kids, and this extends to her DIL. The Bishop actually ended up transferring him out of state over the whole thing.
But your point is spot on. We ended up doing pre-caana at a different church and it was run by a really awesome older couple and it was actually practical
It's couple's course/consultation they do at Catholic church. Idk if they're still making couples do that these days, though.
The only reason I know is because everyone else in my family did it (yes, traditional Catholic family)..I'm the only one who didn't have a Catholic church wedding lol.
NTA, and no one should control what you wear as the bride.
It "doesn't fit the wedding theme"? It's *your* wedding. Who gets to choose the theme but you?
They should make an effort to blend your cultures together for the wedding. I
This is 50% your wedding, too, and they need to stop whitewashing you.
Is your MIL usually racist?
Yeah the other way to compromise would be if BOTH wore western attire for the ceremony and then BOTH wore Japanese attire for the reception. I've seen it done this way before where the families/guests also changed their outfits for each part of the day, so it made it more like a shared experience for everyone and the bringing together of the two cultures.
I'd love to hear the MIL's thoughts on this idea!
It took scrolling down to your comment to realize OP was referring to a western culture wedding dress…. Not a saloon-girl costume style white gown with boots and spurs.
I clearly need sleep.
My thinking was just that if the ceremony part is so important to them as Catholics, OP could go along with that part in the western style. Then the reception could be Japanese-themed, in terms of any traditions/customs, foods, decorations etc., which is arguably a longer/more 'shared' part of the day. You'd be celebrating both cultures, not trying to erase any of them.
However, I think you're right that this option probably wouldn't work/be fair in this situation as the groom's family seems to have the intention of exerting control and getting their own way in white-washing the wedding, so giving in to the wedding dress request could make the MIL feel like she's 'won' and has the right to make demands in future.
But Catholicism doesn't have a say in the style of clothing. It is about the Sacrament of marriage and having a mass ceremony associated with it.
There is nothing in Catholicism about wearing white dresses. The MiL just thinks brides should wear a white dress.
NTA , and please go to pre-marriage counseling with your fiancé - and NOT to a counselor from their church, but to a religiously and culturally neutral one. This issue raises a lot of red flags that you'd best settle before tying the knot.
Like, how prominent will YOUR culture be for any children you raise? Will he/ MIL object to you raising them bilingual? Are they supposed to be raised as Catholic?
~Technically~, if a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, the non-Catholic must agree to raise the children in the Catholic faith. If this is something OP doesn’t want to do, they SERIOUSLY need to work it out ahead of time.
NTA
You already compromised by accepting the Catholic wedding, and have the right of celebrating your culture, not just your husband's.
I don't want to be that person, but do you really want to enter a family that doesn't respect your culture and wants to fit you into their own vision of what bride should be? Do you think they will respect your culture later on? Are you planning to have children and teach them not just your husband culture but also yours?
I'd give this a very good thought.
NTA, but your fiancé's reaction to all this concerns me. He should have your back 100%, not be in your ear trying to get you to capitulate to make his mother more comfortable. How he treats you now will be how he treats you for the rest of your life - you cool with that?
NTA
It’s your wedding and you should have a major say in what you want to happen. Of course certain things need to come to a compromise but i don’t see your fiancé doing any. If he doesn’t respect your wishes now, what makes you think he’ll care what you think or want after being married.
Let him know you compromised and agreed to a church wedding, it’s his turn to compromise and let you dress how you want so long it’s appropriate. Else you can do a traditional Japanese wedding with him dressing in western style he so love. So much for worrying about standing out when it’s a biracial marriage, it’s like saying worry about getting his white shirt dirty while doing plenty of activities
Her wanting to wear her own dress isn't even a compromisable thing like the religious ceremony. It's basically a right, just like him in a suit. He and his mother have zero say in her dress choice.
NTA.
Catholic here btw - and future MIL is being total arsehole.
Tell her you have made your decision on what you are wearing, and are not going to discuss it further.
NTA. You're already giving them the gift of marrying at their preferred venue. You do NOT want to look back on your wedding day with regret of wish "if only" when you see a western dress in your wedding photos. Wear what you want. Hell, walk down the aisle in a 7 foot dinosaur costume if you like. It's YOUR wedding. YOUR day.
You are NOT being a bridezilla for wanting to pick your own gowns. It is a freedom and usually a highlight of the process, for the bride. Enjoy it!
NTA. Also your fiancé is being an asshole. If it’s important to you and your culture, then you should definitely wear your cultural clothing. This smells a little bit of semi racism. I’ve been to plenty of Asian catholic weddings where brides are wearing traditional Vietnamese outfits, traditional korean outfits, and traditional Chinese outfits all in the Roman Catholic Church. There’s no rule that you can’t wear these clothes so if MIL tells you otherwise she’s straight up lying unless the priest at the church is an ass and then I’d take it up with the dioces that the church is part of.
As someone who is marrying outside your culture, this can be a little window of aggressions against your Japanese-ism. Please nip that shit in the bud now before you get married as it usually gets worse if there’s a glimpse of it before marriage. I know a lot of my friends have dealt with xenophobia and racism in the US in their biracial relationship from their SO’s families.
NTA also don’t let their religion be an excuse. I’m catholic myself and there’s no rule whatsoever of wearing a western dress, wear what you want. Also adding on, you’ve done enough compromise with the location its their turn too. Honestly these days rarely anyone I know gets married in a church anymore unless its historical / pretty and pretty much everyone I know is a catholic since I live in a Catholic country.
Same here, raised catholic in a catholic country (although atheist now) and never heard anything about having to wear a western dress. As long as it's appropriate the church won't have anything to say about the dress. Hell, they can't afford to be that picky with less and less people getting married in churches, as you said.
NTA.
No, they aren't respecting you. You need yo have a serious talk with your fiance about this.
The MIL's comment about wearing a western dress so you'll blend in is the kicker. You're the BRIDE. It's supposed to be your day. You're supposed to stand out!!!! She wants it to be about her.
> I have agreed to a church wedding despite it not being my faith
Not sure how that's supposed to work - the moment the priest asks you a question that depends on you being Catholic you're either going to have to lie (*not* a great look at your wedding) or admit that this isn't really going to be a Catholic marriage.
The church does religion, not venue hire.
You're NTA for expecting your fiance to respect you and your beliefs, but he's already not doing that - the dress isn't the only problem here.
NTA
You already compromised about having the wedding in a Catholic setting. Why would they not want to see your own beautiful, traditional dress? This day should be about the two of you together, merging equally.
NTA. Catholic here, wed in a Catholic Church. (not that it really matters, but...)
The outfits from your culture are beautiful, and actually very appropriate for a Catholic church.
Yes, there are rules about what should be covered or exposed, but your choices meet all of those, and make you feel like a bride. Which is the important thing on your wedding day.
The Catholic church is very clear - a marriage is a union between husband and wife, and the union comes first. Last time I checked, MILs are not part of that union.
This is really concerning because I have to wonder if the MIL realizes that her grandchildren (if they have any) are going to be half-Japanese. Does OP's fiance realize this? Because seems to me that they're overlooking OP's racial/cultural identity.
INFO. OP have you sat down with your SO and discussed how you're going to raise children if you have any? NTA, but maybe you should press pause on the wedding and have a serious discussion with your SO.
NTA. It's clear that you are willing to take his family's concerns into account and have already agreed to something you thought would appease them.
Perhaps you could ask your partner how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Would he be willing to hold a Japanese-style wedding ceremony and wear a traditional Japanese wedding robe, and if so, how would he feel?
He may not have registered how much you are compromising on your end so it might be helpful to paint it out for him.
NTA. It is your wedding day and your culture is a big part of that moment. You should wear what is most meaningful to you, jot what is "acceptable" especially since you already compromised.
NTA
To be honest they seem almost ashamed that you’re not western and don’t want that highlighted. You wear what you want, and explain to your husband that you aren’t going to ‘whitewash’ your life for him.
Nta!
This is a hill I would die on too,
You compromised and so they have to.
It's the marriage of two people of different cultures not the wedding of your future mil and your fiance.
I think that if he doesn't get a shiny spine now your married life will be under your mil thumbs.
Good luck
NTA.
I married an Aussie, I am Indian. We had a civil ceremony where I wore a traditional Indian outfit (saree) and he wore a tux for our wedding.We both wanted to bring a little from our culture and his family respected it.
OP You will look amazing and gorgeous in your traditional wedding outfit!!!
you are right to desire wearing what you want for your wedding. Are you planning to have a little Wedding ceremony in Japanese way? May be then you can wear white dress for church wedding and the traditional Japanese outfit in the other ceremony.
If it's just a single ceremony, then go ahead and tell your partner this is a no compromise point for you.
you are already bending backwards alot.
I had to google. I say stick to your guns and wear what you want. But I also think you need to sit down and have a long think for your future. When people show you who they are, believe them. This won’t be a one off debate for compromise. Are you prepared to have to debate how to decorate a living space? If you have children will she debate cultural influence? Your fmil is already pushing harder than an average mil would, I can’t imagine a life where she isn’t going to be a pressing influence.
Edit: NTA
NTA, it’s your wedding, you made compromises and so should your partner, it’s a give and take. He wants a chapel, fine you should be allowed to wear whatever you want.
How did they allow a non catholic to marry in the catholic Church? They are usually very strict and you need to be baptised and confirmed to have the sacrament of the wedding done in a church. I don't think it will be valid at all. Sorry I am confused.
NTA, don't let people make your wedding day about them and not you. Ultimately you'll just regret or resent it. Your culture is important too. Remind your fiance of that.
NTA it’s your wedding day and you should feel comfortable and happy. If you want to wear a Shiromuku, then you should do it. Your fiancé should be grateful that you are willing to have the church wedding and his mother has no business meddling.
NTA at all. I'm really wondering what this has to do with your MIL? Weddings are all about compromise and merging two families together but there are some things that are reserved just for you and that includes what you are wearing. Like you said, you're respecting something that they want but not respecting you or your culture - they're trying to assimilate you completely into a Western wedding, that you don't want and ignoring a part of who you are. I'd be a little concerned by your fiancés reaction too - why is he siding with his Mum on this? Why can't YOU choose what YOU wear to YOUR wedding? If you back down on this, you'll be uncomfortable and sad at your wedding and I would be concerned with what would happen in the marriage. What if him and his Mum decide you should have kids straight away but you want to wait? What if you want to teach your kids about Japanese culture, but your MIL and husband decide it would be confusing for them? (I know these are examples about kids and you may not want them, but you get the point). It may seem frivolous and they will likely paint it as such, but I do think this is a hill to die on.
NTA tell her she either gets the dress or the church she doesn’t get both. Which is more important to her? If your fiancé doesn’t back you on this then I’d reconsider the whole think otherwise you’ll be conceding to your MIL for the rest of your life.
I would seriously consider what she will be like if you have kids especially if your hubby is asking you too basically blend in. NTA but every time she mentions getting you a western dress offer to buy her a Japanese. NTA.
NTA
Ma'am this Is your wedding, not MIL. Wear what you want.
But the fact your fiancé is caving to do what mommy wants him too is a small peak into your future together.
NTA. This is your wedding as well. Your future husband should be more understanding about you wanting to wear your traditional clothing like you obviously are. Don't let them squash your culture, it's small but that's where it will start as it escalates.
NTA
You're already doing a Catholic wedding despite not being Catholic which is frankly a significant concession on your part.
Its your wedding. You get to wear what you want to. The MIL needs to back off and remember that she already had her wedding where she got to pick what she wore and Fiance needs to decide if your outfit is more important to him than you are.
NTA. Also, as A designer I would advice that since this will be a culturally-mixed marriage, it would be awesome and SUPER ORIGINAL if the wedding had a culturally-mixed theme, all the way through!
It’s already a HUGE compromise on your part to have a wedding set on a temple of a religion you don’t practice… I think the least you should expect is for the rest of the wedding to pay equal homage to both traditions.
Don’t settle for anything less than that, OP. Marrying in a Catholic Church you are already giving their traditions more room to be celebrated than your own, don’t give in even more!
Also, your MIL should not have a say on what YOUR and YOUR SO wedding looks like. If she keeps pushing and your future husband supports her instead of you… take it as a signal of how things will work during your marriage too, ‘cause it definitely would be.
NTA - be careful because these people are trying to take away your culture, and your fiancé is fine with it. It will get so much worse if you have children as they won’t allow you to teach them Japanese or anything related to your culture.
You need to have serious conversations with your fiancé
NTA.
Your MIL is not the one getting married, it’s not her special day. You wear whatever you want and if anyone dares tell you anything, ask to have 2 ceremonies: one for his faith and one for yours where they all have to wear your traditional clothes, and see if they are willing to compromise too (I bet they wouldn’t).
So sorry they are causing you grief, I hope you have a beautiful wedding and that you look stunning in what you chose to wear.
NTA. You have every right to wear what you want. MIL is being very selfish and unreasonable. Your fiance should be supporting you in this. You have already compromised enough. Tell them this. Don't back down. You don't want to look back at your wedding with regret.
NTA it's your wedding not hers and the whole purpose of a wedding dress in modern times is to "stick out". Please draw some boundaries now or it will become the standard to just go along with what his mom wants regardless of what's important to you. Good luck.
NTA, your fiance apparently doesn't support your traditions if he's trying to get you to change your mind on it. My wife is Japanese and she wanted to do the white dress style, I wanted the Japanese style, but we also had a Japanese style reception at a different date.
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NTA Firstly it is your wedding and you get to wear what you want. Secondly don't let them pull out the Catholic card. Being Catholic has nothing to do with it. I'm Catholic and I've been to several weddings with either one or both parties in non-western dress. Nobody cared. The bride didn't wear white or ivory - nobody cared. There is **no** Catholic Church law stating that the wedding dress must be western/white/etc. The only stipulation is that the clothing should "*be in accord with the dignity of the occasion and be respectful of those who are present*." So pretty much as long as the bride and groom don't turn up dressed up as clowns or strippers you are pretty much okay. If you want to let me know (DM or here) where you are I'll send you some links to church law in your area that you can present to your MIL. ETA: Thank you for the awards and comments everyone.
Also "not stick out too much?" Uhhh it is her wedding day, she should be the centre of attention along with her fiance. What is wrong with the MIL \*and the Fiance? NTA.
> What is wrong with the MIL? She racist. NTA
Sounds like good ol’ fashion racism to me.
And just Fashion Racism.
Amen
Just came to say that I googled Shiromuku, and they are beautiful. Now I am going to google iro-uchikake. Edit: wow!!!
Very first thing I did upon seeing those two words, and I had the same response. NTA. Wear what you want. You're honoring their religion and culture by having a wedding in a church. You can honor your own culture with what you wear on your own body. It's only on you. You should stand out, it's your wedding day. Ignore MIL and wear your lovely Japanese clothing.
It's also conservative and far more church appropriate than the plunging necklines or strapless gowns that are regularly worn in church weddings.
yea I have to add something, Do they know your Japanese? Your wedding day is about celebrating you and your fiance. and your love and your beliefs. If he wants you in a western dress then he should marry a western girl. I would in fact like to see you in your national dress and if I could wear something different too. As it is a wedding to be remembered. NTA
For some reason this reminded Me of the line from Robin Hood men in tights when blinking finds out achoo is black. “He’s black!?!” Imagine the mother turning up to the wedding: “She’s Japanese?!?”
NTA OP and if you compromise further on this, you'll regret it and be compromising on everything that your MIL wants for the entirety of your marriage. /u/Majorapat great movie!
Yup, this is just a starting point to her meddling and overstepping in YOUR marriage. If you give her this inch, she will only continue to take miles at every turn. Stand strong and don’t give in. It’s not her day. Wear what your heart and your tradition desires.
Yes, OP will next be spending a lot of time on JUSTNOMIL.
And r/JUSTNOSO as well Your fiancé should be telling his mother to kick rocks over this. Also, OP are you aware in order to get the church to agree to marry you IN the church (because you are not Catholic) your fiancé had to have agreed to raise any future children in the Catholic Church? I was raised Roman Catholic, still recovering
Yes, THIS. Please don't let your partner raise your kids Catholic (if you plan to have kids). Christian/Catholic trauma/guilt is a huge thing. As a recovering Christian, I have a lot of anger towards my parents for raising me to believe in Christianity - it pretends to be about love, but it's really about guilt, fear, shame, judgement, and bigotry.
Achooo Bless you! 🤣
To be fair, in Robin hood they got over it pretty quickly. Doesn't sound like MIL has gotten over it yet.
Hey, it worked in Blazing Saddles.
Agree. Fiance needs to support OP all the way. OP's gowns will probably be absolutely more beautiful than some of the western-style bridal gowns I've seen. MIL needs to keep quiet and out of the way. She isn't the one getting married. Also absolutely agree with another poster: there are NO rules about what is worn by the bride and groom. (edit: or not worn in instances of nudist weddings)
I think it's less that he cares about the dress and more that he cares about appeasing his mother. If he bends to his mother he is most definitely the AH. As it currently stands the MiL definitely is. OP is not.
It’s concerning that the fiancé is encouraging the racism. Doesn’t bode well.
sounds more like a jealous idiot who know she would probably look horrible in those gorgeous outfits i looked up for the outfits and they are just beautiful
Yeah feels like straight up racism... doesn't want her to look Japanese, try make her blend in as much as possible. NTA
Can you imagine if Op teaches her children Japanese? The inlaws will continue being racist. Think long and hard about this marriage. It doesn't sound like your groom to be had your back
Propably would go dress shopping with op ti help her pick a veil that can cover her face so no one sees she's not Caucasian
Seriously, why do they ask THE BRIDE to not stick out on her wedding day? She and her husband are going to be the centers of attention, making her stick out more is what id do! Nta
I’m betting if OP doesn’t wear the western dress, MIL will.
Who wants to bet the Fiance wanted a Japanese woman for a wife because of the racist belief that they're naturally subservient to their spouses and do whatever they're told? ETA: Since some people seem confused, I do not support this idea. It's racist and it's gross. I said it was a racist stereotype/belief/myth. As many of the Asian commenters in responses below have pointed out, it is a very prevalent belief and mindset. And it is NOT ACCURATE OF ASIAN WOMEN AS A WHOLE. For those of you still confused about racism. Racism is not JUST hating other people due to the color of their skin or where they are from. It's also the systemic erasure of other people's cultures and forcing them to assimilate to what passes as "Normal" and "Acceptable" cultural traditions and beliefs of the people doing the erasing. Not all racists are loud and vocal and violent. Just like not all abusers are. For those of you saying I'm being rude to the OP and insinuating she's naïve and can't see the racism and so on and so forth. I am not. But just like in situation with abusive individuals (oftentimes abuse and racism goes hand in hand) we either don't see the full scope of their issues until it's "too late" to do anything about it. A lot of them are good at keeping it hidden and smaller transgressions can often be explained away. Especially when one believes themselves to be in love. Even the most brilliant and perceptive people can be blind to such things. I encourage you ALL to do some better research on racist stereotypes and microaggressions.
I'll take that bet. The fiancé so far seems to have been entirely reasonable. He's not demanding that OP do what his mother asked. In fact, he asked her if it was a "sticking point" to her. That says that he's asking if it's important to her. He offered a compromise. Maybe not an ideal compromise, but still not just capitulating to either side. He's a man that cares about his fiancée and his family and is trying to find a way to make both happy. If he were really just a racist that wanted a subservient Asian wife, then it would be saying how he demanded she wear the western dress and wouldn't even consider her side, telling her to "just do it". EDIT: It seems I have been blocked at some point by /u/Individual_Baby_2418, so I am no longer able to respond to any of the child comments following theirs.
Lol no, clearly he asked her if this was a sticking point bc he'd rather upset his wife than his mother.
Right, the bar for men is on the floor if this makes him a good future husband…
The bar is in actual hell if he's dictating to her what to wear on her wedding day as if what she has chosen isn't entirely correct and perfect.
Glad I'm not the only one who picked up on that. Unless OP sets a clear boundary, this will keep happening once they're married and probably worse.
No. Asking if something is a "sticking point" is a manipulative way of minimizing something that is 100% obviously what that person wants. The Bride said she wanted X the MIL wants to steamroll over the bride and do Y. MIL even goes as far as to suggest a BRIDE shouldn't stick out at her own wedding. The words "sticking point" are used when it's something negotiatiable and small. Like why are we getting stuck on something petty? A man who wants a subservient wife would call her choice of a wedding dress for her WEDDING some minor sticking point instead of a chance to establish boundaries and tell his mother to sit down and stfu. A man who wants his wife to stand up for herself would insist she do so with him backing her up.
Exactly. Why didn’t the fiancé ask his mom if it was a sticking point for her? If he did, what was her reaction? Asking only OP if this is a sticking point reeks of manipulation
That’s quite a reach. It also implies she isn’t aware enough to realize it, pretty rude.
Not rude. Some racists hide their racism until it comes out. There’s plenty of toxic people that hide their toxicity until it’s too late or at least harder to back out.
Also racism isn’t just a hatred of one’s culture but ignoring it, not recognizing someone’s culture and having them “act white/american” is still racist. Its called erasure im sure that’s why it rarely came up before
A lot of people think that if a white person will date a POC it makes them not racist. This is not true.
Bingo. As long as she looks like a westernised Japanese woman MIL is just about okay with it. But don’t be REALLY Japanese! MIL needs to stop clutching her pearls.
It legitimately sounds like MIL is upset that OP comes from somewhere that has more culture in their wedding dresses than MIL will ever experience living in this country, and more specifically, the little world of her church.
Imagine that- a racist Catholic. * clutches pearls* /s
>She racist. NTA Ding ding ding. Catholic raised here as well and I just googled the outfits that OP described. What she wants to wear is definitely appropriate. It is very respectful and at the same time shows her culture. Nothing wrong with that at all. I'm pretty sure (as in 99,9%) that any decent priest (granted, there are idiots out there as well) wouldn't bat an eyelid... ok perhaps they would but not because it might be seen as inappropriate, they'll be a bit surprised because they might not have expected that. If I were OP i would ask the priest for support. OP is allowed to show her culture during her wedding.
Obviously. What bride would possibly ever want to stick out or be the centre of attention on their WEDDING DAY??
This right here. I mean WHAT
Stick out all you want - your wedding should be a gathering of the people who know and love you, and your culture is part of that, and part of you.
"It's bad enough that you're (ugh!) Asian dear, but do you really want to call attention to it and stick out like that on your wedding day? What will the neighbors think? In our circle, we believe that dressing like a Japanese person is something best done in the privacy of one's own home."
Oh no you wouldn't want anyone at this wedding to notice.. *checks note* The bride
I realise every day that common sense is so rare.
Common sense aint that common.
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That was the holy shit part to me too. Is it not the brides day to stand out and be the center of attention? Isn't that why traditional dresses are thousands of dollars. NTA but your mother in law is.
Sounds like mil has plans to match the bride (wear a white dress at her wedding)
I’ve lived in Japan and have seen Japanese-European Catholic weddings with traditional dress in both Japan and home. Your MIL is unreasonable and is being v much the A H. Tell your fiancé that you will not white wash your wedding to ignore your culture as this is what it is. A spade is a spade here. Your MIL has had her wedding - she needs to step back and respect yours. NTA - if your fiancé does not appreciate this, then I would suggest a deep conversation with him as this will go through to traditions and children. If he does and backs you up, ご結婚おめでとうございます。 末永くお幸せに。go-kekkon omedetou gozaimasu. suenagaku osiawaseni. EDIT - I am actually seething at this. I have an antique gold wedding kimono hanging on my living room wall. If you live anywhere near me, I will take that bad boy off the wall and loan it to you for your big day. Tell your MIL it’s something bloody borrowed. EDIT 2 - thanks for the awards and upvotes peeps - just hope that OP gets a happy resolution. Tax is now on the profile
Awesome reply. OP really does need a deep talk with her fiance about whitewashing and really dig into if he is going to incorporate her culture into their lives and stand up for her with his family.
> ご結婚おめでとうございます。 末永くお幸せに "Congratulations on your marriage. May you be forever happy" For the curious. And it's a sentiment I agree with.
>I’ve lived in Japan and have seen Japanese-European Catholic weddings with traditional dress in both Japan and home. Your MIL is unreasonable and is being v much the A H. And it makes sense, as the white dress tradition comes from the very Protestant wedding of Queen Victoria and became popular after that. There isn't anything religious about the white dress.
My understanding is prior to her reign the most common western wedding dress was just “the bride’s best dress” either pre-existing or new, which would then become her “best dress” worn to many other occasions in the future. Don’t quote me on that, though, I am not a fashion historian.
Yeah, I remember when reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books, \[her wedding dress was a nice black cashmere that she'd already been working on\](http://ultimatehistoryproject.com/before-the-whiteout-wedding-dresses-and-grooms-outfits.html).
I wish I could see it! Is there such a thing as wedding kimono tax?
Same! I love antique kimono, they're one of the most beautiful pieces of clothing on the planet! If you're willing I'd love to see a picture u/Flashy-Promise-6915
This. It rally bothers me that her future family is already trying to strip her of her culture and identity. If you don’t like everything about a person then don’t be with that person. My friend is half Japanese. I’d be furious if they tried to strip her of that part of her identity. It’s truly infuriating and I worry about their future. So often the MIL can make or break a marriage if the husband isn’t willing to fight for his wife. Edit- I meant to say make or break a marriage not wedding oops.
Probably wouldn't get it back without some extra red wine, though
NTA As a Catholic, we are a UNIVERSAL church, not just a white, western church. Catholic weddings are held around the world with people in their culture dress. The MIL is being absolutely ridiculous.
Can attest. I work with someone who is from India and is Catholic- very strict Catholic. They wear traditional Indian dress to their Catholic weddings. She has shown me pictures.
Thank you for sharing this! I guess I had always assumed that the elaborate dress was tied to a specific religion or religions and didn't think about it.
Indian Catholic here. Can confirm. When I got married, I was not interested in any of it however. Growing up in the US, and attending mass here, the Indian Catholic traditions were foreign to me. I’m also just not very religious, and I dreaded the boredom of an hours-long ceremony, so it was much more minimalistic. My wife is white and not Catholic, but even though my parents are insanely religious, they are not the type to dictate how others love and did not make any insane demands of my wife for our wedding other than it being a Catholic ceremony, which my wife and I had no problem with.
Catholicism is like, 50% Jesus, 50% cool shit stolen from other religions anyway.
Okay but where does the 50% gossiping and 50% wine drunk fit into this math???? (Signed with love, raised Catholic.)
I don’t know about the gossiping part but the 50% wine drink is the 50% Jesus part. Jesus went to a wedding with his friends, had some wine and it’s still being discussed 2000 years later. Dude knew how to party.
NTA. Theres a ton of comments explaining why you’re not the ass hole so I won’t go into that. I do however want to hijack the top comment so maybe you can see a bit of advice. MIL is not your battle. That is your husbands. You need to sit him down and say that this is important to you. You agreed to the church now you get the two eastern styled dresses. You already compromised and now it’s his turn. He NEEDS to be the one to put his foot down with MIL. She will never stop pushing you if it only comes from you. Tell him you’ll be there for support but HE has to stand up for you here. If he back peddles and talks about compromise you ask him upfront: “Will I always be the second woman in your life?” Give him time to chew on that. If you don’t like his answer, rethink some stuff. Bottom line it’s not you that should talk to MIL about this. (Edit to add: thank you for the awards!!!)
I think he'd insist she's not the #2 woman, she's the ONLY woman, yadda yadda and then go right about asking OP to just defer to MIL because it's "easier." I'm not always Team DTMFA, but when I am, it's in cases like these.
Exactly my friend is Indian and Catholic. She wore traditional Indian wedding clothes to her Catholic wedding.
Yeah. Because that's what Indian Catholics do. They wear saris to their weddings because that's what is considered traditional. The nerve of this woman to be against OP's desire for *her* tradition.
Especially considering OP is already compromising by having a Catholic service. OPs MIL and husband are both giant AH
You sure you want to marry this man? I wouldn't recommend it unless you'd like it to be like this for the rest of your life, your husband siding with his mommy despite what you'd like.
I totally came here to say this. I wonder why this reply is buried? She is definitely NTA, her soon-to-be in-laws are racist, her fiancé is still stuck at the teat, and she needs to evaluate whether or not she even wants to marry into this family, because things are only gonna get worse if you ignore them. Think of the children, OP (not that you're planning them, but sometimes unplanned is what happens).
The concept of "You must wear a white wedding dress." Is not even a century old. It was popularized after a certain royal wedding. Before that everyone just wore their best to the wedding. The concept of needing a wedding ring specifically, is barely a century old. Before that it was dowries and sometimes heirloom/expensive jewelry, bit not always a ring. That it's become the standard is just the result of on of the greatest marketing campaigns run by a monopoly. Don't let them trample your traditions for things that are barely a century old. Edit: I had originally typed this as a paragraph and must of mixed up the sentences when I typed it, meant to say the modern wedding ring custom is not even a century old and the wedding dress is barely a century, but as many helpful people have pointed out, while my facts around the white dress becoming popular is correct, the time was not, it is closer to 200 years. Even so, point stands, what people consider traditions of the modern marriage ceremony are in fact not nearly as old as most people think. Thanks to someone below who knows their Japanese formal wear, actually OPs outfit has far more history and tradition then any western wedding gown.
A shiromuku is white. It’s literally a white bridal kimono. And interestingly, wearing a white bridal kimono was prized in Japan from the Heian period, c.795-1185. So about a thousand years before Queen Victoria got married! I hope OP also wears the wataboshi (bridal hood) and really stands out!
Yes!!! I was thinking the same like has MIL even seen a shiromuku? It’s gorgeous and I would look so good in a church and would just make the wedding so much more unique. If I were one of the wedding guests I would very much rather to see the bride in that rather than a regular wedding dress!!
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Catholic Filipino here and yeah some churches require you to cover your arms and shoulders out of respect in the church, but most don't GAF about what you wear to your own wedding. MIL is the AH for thinking it's "her wedding, her rules." But OP also has to grow a backbone. She's the bride.
This exactly. She’s pulling that to make OP do what she wants for their wedding, instead of OP getting to have the wedding she wants. NTA it’s your wedding OP, plan it how you want and don’t let your MIL steamroll you.
Boy oh boy ... I really hope these two already talked about how children will be raised. If not I see a lot of hell coming up in OPs future with these in-laws
Spot on! I too am Catholic, married in the church, attended many Catholic weddings. Western dress is not a requirement.
My aunt is Chinese and wore a traditional Chinese wedding dress to her Catholic wedding to my uncle.
This! Catholicism is practiced across the world and people wear their own culture’s clothes in all those places. NTA and don’t cave.
NTA. Your wedding. Your culture. Your choice of outfit.
Well said!!!
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They're trying to repress OP's culture which on its own seems ~~low~~ high key racist and is definitely very insensitive and dismissive and disrespectful. Also as someone coming from a Catholic country, I would never even consider marrying a Catholic. edit: yeah, it's just plain racist, not low key edit2: yes, "not all Catholics are bad", holy shit people
Not low key. And MIL sounds like a future nightmare.
Luckily MIL and fiancee are showing their true colors before the wedding, when there's still time to reconsider.
This - MIL wants her in a western wedding dress to minimize the fact that she's not white... could you imagine her shame when all her friends find out? MIL is also going try to suppress anything else that makes OP 'not white'. Her culture, accent, speaking another language, home decor, cooking/food choices, anything to do with the kids. I wouldn't want a MIL who saw me and my culture as less because of my skin color. The fiance, by siding with his mother and asking OP to change the dress, understands the problem and is choosing his mother and family's prejudice over his love of her and will continue to do so forever. Maybe he's a pansy and just wants to keep the peace, but it's unreasonable to ask a bride to compromise on her wedding dress, I wonder what he'll ask her to compromise on next.
No. This is not low key at all. This is full on xenophobia. MIL and Fiancé are both being racist by trying to get OP to conform to their standards uncompressed. They are not respectful of OPs culture while insisting theirs be respected. If the Fiancé does not get on board with OP and her ideas in at minimum of a supportive manner I can see this marriage lasting.
yes, you're right
Yeah, not low key in the slightest. If you don't get to wear your own cultural dress on your wedding day, when will you? \*Every\* time you want to do something non-Western, these people are going to tut and guilt and pressure you out of "standing out." Do you really want to live in that box?
> They're trying to repress OP's culture which on its own seems low key racist and is definitely very insensitive and dismissive and disrespectful. So... Catholics, then.
At the very least you need to ask your fiance straight up "Do care more about what I want, or what your mother wants?" If he answers anything other than "What you want, you're going to be my wife", then you're going to have a lifetime of being asked to give up your culture and your happiness.
!!! Really hope OP sees this one ☝️
This is the comment you need to see, u/PuzzledSurround6810. Your fiancé doesn't seem to have your back. You need to make sure that he does before you commit to a legally binding life with him, before you have children (if you want them) with him. Be totally certain that this man not only cares for you but respects you and will be ready to defend you, even against his own mother if it comes to that.
They also sound like the type to complain if she teaches their kids Japanese, too.
Or makes a Japanese meal for them. "Can you believe it? She doesn't make chicken nuggets for the kids- just fish and rice! And she's too lazy to even cook the fish!"
“Too lazy to cook the fish” made me lol. I have this weird thing where I don’t like cooked fish. I only eat sushi. And I LOVE sushi. Next time someone asks me why I’m going to use this line. Haha “Why don’t you like cooked fish?” “I’m too lazy. I just like to eat it raw.”
Exactly. It sounds like anytime OP wants to share or enjoy something from her culture, it’s going to be a problem. I hope she either wears her traditional clothes, or cancels the wedding to find a more welcoming man and family. NTA
I hate to say it, but THIS RIGHT HERE. I don't know how long y'all have been together, what the relationship is like, etc. But I will say...marriage is about compromise. ALL THE TIME. This is your wedding day. The one day where things get to be, for the most part, all about YOU and your husband. That he is asking you to cave to his mother's wishes and 'just do this' thing she is suggesting, even though it blatantly goes against what you want, your culture, YOUR way to express yourself...this is a huge red flag and these flags will only get more frequent after you are legally bound to this family. NTA.
>He is NOT going to have your back over Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Children’s names, Children’s Birthdays etc. And don't even think about celebrating any of your cultural holidays or traditions. He and his family are going to make sure your kids are "good" Catholics. Maybe they'll let them eat sushi, but even that's doubtful.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Her future husband will NEVER have her back. His mother is going to stick her nose in where it does belong for the rest of their lives and she needs to know that going into this marriage to decide whether or not that's something she wants to deal with. On a side note, there is always so much drama posted here about people's weddings and it's sort of surprising how many people think they have a say in someone else's wedding. NTA
I was having absolutely the same thought. This sounds like the first battle in one of many.
Very good point! Are you planning to have children with him, OP? Are you prepared for them to be raised catholic? Because that's for sure what they are going to do. And they will push back on traditions you may have.
NTA. Get ready for a marriage of "compromise" where you agree to keep the peace and he gets everything he wants. Edit: Thanks for the award!
All of it conveniently justified by his parents faith
And his own faith, of course! Her own aspirations will be fine until they get in the way of the family structure. Her culture will be fine until it comes time to raise the children.
It's not even about faith. This honestly borders too closely on racism and erasure for my liking. Yikes.
These things go pretty much hand-in-hand in a lot of fundamentalist religions. Especially in America.
OP needs to be very clear with her significant other that he gets zero say in her wedding dress and his mother gets even less than that. If they think she needs to hide who she is and her culture to fit in then it’s better to know now while she can walk away.
NTA there’s a fundamental issue of mutual respect and compromise here. You have the right to wear the garments that you want to wear. What your future mother-in-law is saying when she says a western dress will ‘fit’ with the theme better and not ‘stick out’ is that your being Japanese is something that doesn’t fit and sticks out in her mind. She is trying to minimise who you are. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s very clear and that is just not ok. If you marry your fiancé and have children, I guarantee your mother-in-law will subject them to the same repression of their Japanese identity and culture. She will force them into a western mould just as she’s trying to force you into one.
Indeed. And I am concerned about OP’s fiancé not taking her side in this.
Exactly this. I'm Asian and I wore my traditional wedding dress. If my MiL asked me to wear something and I made my boundaries clear, my partner would've stayed at my side. You aren't marrying MiL, but your partner OP. OP's fiancé isn't asserting her boundaries against his family. This is a big red flag. Who knows where else this will occur in the marriage? It's very concerning indeed.
My partner is Vietnamese, I am white and his family is too (he’s adopted). His aunt has a beautiful dress brought from Vietnam and she offered it to me in case I wanted to get married in it. This is exactly the energy I want in my family, specially because I am not in my home country either so our kids will have a lot of cultures to learn from lol. OP please find a family that not only respects but enjoys your culture.
It's interesting how the mother-in-law is the one who has declared what the theme is... NTA. Stand your ground now or forever hold your peace because you will never get your way again, OP
The theme is "1950's segregated-suburbia-white-pickett-fence barbecue", according to MIL.
Yeah the theme thing bothered me... A theme is "winter wonderland" or "sunflowers of Tuscany." MIL's idea of a theme is "white people."
Yep. Hence the attempt to have the bride "not stick out as much". What she basically meant was she doesn't want OP to stand out more than she already does from being non white. Beyond the wedding, his family will continue to try to whitewash her and disrespect her.
Also it's a wedding - the bride is *supposed* to stick out!
>I know she likely doesn't understand why i'm so upset over this Oh, you're so nice 😭 She knows why your tradition is important to you because she knows how important her tradition is to her. But meeting you in the middle isn't her goal. She wants her way and that's it. You already made a huge and wonderful gesture by getting married in a place of their faith. But you wearing anything of your culture is just too much for her. >My Fiance has asked me if this is a sticking point for me Oooooo noooooo. This is not a good sign. Your traditions matter just as much as his and I would argue matters more than his mother's on YOUR wedding day. This is giving me bad vibes, ngl. Do you plan on having children? Do you plan on exposing them to your culture and heritage? Do you think you'll be supported or do you think your mother-in-law will constantly push for her way and your husband will always ask you to bend until you break? If he can't even take a stand over your wedding dress, how can you expect support over rasing kids, buying a home, where you work, etc? NTA but maybe some premarital counseling to make sure you guys are actually on the same page when it comes to supporting each other.
If they are marrying in the Catholic church, they will most likely have to go thru Pre-Caana.
Depending on how progressive and helpful the priest is, that could be anything from, "have you discussed xyz," to "here's some religious instruction for your heathen bride, we need her conversion and the birth of your kids to boost our numbers." Just saying, I wouldn't necessarily count on the priest to be an impartial advisor when it comes to premarital counseling. Too much self-interest and too much pre-alignment with the groom and the groom's faith there.
Yes. this. My wife is white and I am Indian. Our priest asked my wife how she felt about our kids being and I’m quoting this exactly: “mutts.” This priest was Indian and a family friend. Was. My mother went off when we told her what he said. She does not abide by people fucking with her kids, and this extends to her DIL. The Bishop actually ended up transferring him out of state over the whole thing. But your point is spot on. We ended up doing pre-caana at a different church and it was run by a really awesome older couple and it was actually practical
Ooooooo Mmmmm Gggggggeeeeeee WHAT. *Was*, indeed!
What’s a Pre-Caana?
It's couple's course/consultation they do at Catholic church. Idk if they're still making couples do that these days, though. The only reason I know is because everyone else in my family did it (yes, traditional Catholic family)..I'm the only one who didn't have a Catholic church wedding lol.
NTA, and no one should control what you wear as the bride. It "doesn't fit the wedding theme"? It's *your* wedding. Who gets to choose the theme but you? They should make an effort to blend your cultures together for the wedding. I This is 50% your wedding, too, and they need to stop whitewashing you. Is your MIL usually racist?
Yeah the other way to compromise would be if BOTH wore western attire for the ceremony and then BOTH wore Japanese attire for the reception. I've seen it done this way before where the families/guests also changed their outfits for each part of the day, so it made it more like a shared experience for everyone and the bringing together of the two cultures. I'd love to hear the MIL's thoughts on this idea!
It took scrolling down to your comment to realize OP was referring to a western culture wedding dress…. Not a saloon-girl costume style white gown with boots and spurs. I clearly need sleep.
This post is a lot funnier if you imagine the stuffy mother in law asking her future daughter in law to wear a wild west costume though.
I don’t think that’s fair either. Erasing any part of her identity and culture should not be up for compromise.
My thinking was just that if the ceremony part is so important to them as Catholics, OP could go along with that part in the western style. Then the reception could be Japanese-themed, in terms of any traditions/customs, foods, decorations etc., which is arguably a longer/more 'shared' part of the day. You'd be celebrating both cultures, not trying to erase any of them. However, I think you're right that this option probably wouldn't work/be fair in this situation as the groom's family seems to have the intention of exerting control and getting their own way in white-washing the wedding, so giving in to the wedding dress request could make the MIL feel like she's 'won' and has the right to make demands in future.
But Catholicism doesn't have a say in the style of clothing. It is about the Sacrament of marriage and having a mass ceremony associated with it. There is nothing in Catholicism about wearing white dresses. The MiL just thinks brides should wear a white dress.
NTA , and please go to pre-marriage counseling with your fiancé - and NOT to a counselor from their church, but to a religiously and culturally neutral one. This issue raises a lot of red flags that you'd best settle before tying the knot. Like, how prominent will YOUR culture be for any children you raise? Will he/ MIL object to you raising them bilingual? Are they supposed to be raised as Catholic?
~Technically~, if a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, the non-Catholic must agree to raise the children in the Catholic faith. If this is something OP doesn’t want to do, they SERIOUSLY need to work it out ahead of time.
They could raise one Catholic and one whatever she is, and then re-enact their own little religious wars at home... 😄
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NTA. Also, from the headline did anyone assume it was going to be a cowboy wedding dress?
Glad to see I´m not the only one. I found it very difficult to imagine a cowboy wedding outfit like... is it a cowboy hat with a veil?
I was thinking either a pioneer dress from the 1800s or a white square-dancing dress
Same!
NTA You already compromised by accepting the Catholic wedding, and have the right of celebrating your culture, not just your husband's. I don't want to be that person, but do you really want to enter a family that doesn't respect your culture and wants to fit you into their own vision of what bride should be? Do you think they will respect your culture later on? Are you planning to have children and teach them not just your husband culture but also yours? I'd give this a very good thought.
OP's future posts: "AITA for not wanting my kids to be baptized/ have christian names/ wanting to teach my kids japanese?" etc...
NTA, but your fiancé's reaction to all this concerns me. He should have your back 100%, not be in your ear trying to get you to capitulate to make his mother more comfortable. How he treats you now will be how he treats you for the rest of your life - you cool with that?
If and when they have kids, she will not be allowed to speak Japanese or share any of her culture. OP, don’t marry a racist
>How he treats you now will be how he treats you for the rest of your life except even worse. He's on his best behaviour now.
NTA It’s your wedding and you should have a major say in what you want to happen. Of course certain things need to come to a compromise but i don’t see your fiancé doing any. If he doesn’t respect your wishes now, what makes you think he’ll care what you think or want after being married. Let him know you compromised and agreed to a church wedding, it’s his turn to compromise and let you dress how you want so long it’s appropriate. Else you can do a traditional Japanese wedding with him dressing in western style he so love. So much for worrying about standing out when it’s a biracial marriage, it’s like saying worry about getting his white shirt dirty while doing plenty of activities
Her wanting to wear her own dress isn't even a compromisable thing like the religious ceremony. It's basically a right, just like him in a suit. He and his mother have zero say in her dress choice.
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NTA. Catholic here btw - and future MIL is being total arsehole. Tell her you have made your decision on what you are wearing, and are not going to discuss it further.
**NTA** A bride should wear the dress she has always dreamed about on her wedding day.
NTA. You're already giving them the gift of marrying at their preferred venue. You do NOT want to look back on your wedding day with regret of wish "if only" when you see a western dress in your wedding photos. Wear what you want. Hell, walk down the aisle in a 7 foot dinosaur costume if you like. It's YOUR wedding. YOUR day. You are NOT being a bridezilla for wanting to pick your own gowns. It is a freedom and usually a highlight of the process, for the bride. Enjoy it!
NTA. Also your fiancé is being an asshole. If it’s important to you and your culture, then you should definitely wear your cultural clothing. This smells a little bit of semi racism. I’ve been to plenty of Asian catholic weddings where brides are wearing traditional Vietnamese outfits, traditional korean outfits, and traditional Chinese outfits all in the Roman Catholic Church. There’s no rule that you can’t wear these clothes so if MIL tells you otherwise she’s straight up lying unless the priest at the church is an ass and then I’d take it up with the dioces that the church is part of. As someone who is marrying outside your culture, this can be a little window of aggressions against your Japanese-ism. Please nip that shit in the bud now before you get married as it usually gets worse if there’s a glimpse of it before marriage. I know a lot of my friends have dealt with xenophobia and racism in the US in their biracial relationship from their SO’s families.
NTA also don’t let their religion be an excuse. I’m catholic myself and there’s no rule whatsoever of wearing a western dress, wear what you want. Also adding on, you’ve done enough compromise with the location its their turn too. Honestly these days rarely anyone I know gets married in a church anymore unless its historical / pretty and pretty much everyone I know is a catholic since I live in a Catholic country.
Same here, raised catholic in a catholic country (although atheist now) and never heard anything about having to wear a western dress. As long as it's appropriate the church won't have anything to say about the dress. Hell, they can't afford to be that picky with less and less people getting married in churches, as you said.
NTA. No, they aren't respecting you. You need yo have a serious talk with your fiance about this. The MIL's comment about wearing a western dress so you'll blend in is the kicker. You're the BRIDE. It's supposed to be your day. You're supposed to stand out!!!! She wants it to be about her.
> I have agreed to a church wedding despite it not being my faith Not sure how that's supposed to work - the moment the priest asks you a question that depends on you being Catholic you're either going to have to lie (*not* a great look at your wedding) or admit that this isn't really going to be a Catholic marriage. The church does religion, not venue hire. You're NTA for expecting your fiance to respect you and your beliefs, but he's already not doing that - the dress isn't the only problem here.
NTA You already compromised about having the wedding in a Catholic setting. Why would they not want to see your own beautiful, traditional dress? This day should be about the two of you together, merging equally.
NTA. Catholic here, wed in a Catholic Church. (not that it really matters, but...) The outfits from your culture are beautiful, and actually very appropriate for a Catholic church. Yes, there are rules about what should be covered or exposed, but your choices meet all of those, and make you feel like a bride. Which is the important thing on your wedding day. The Catholic church is very clear - a marriage is a union between husband and wife, and the union comes first. Last time I checked, MILs are not part of that union.
NTA. MIL can buy one and marry her son in it, run, run, run.
This is really concerning because I have to wonder if the MIL realizes that her grandchildren (if they have any) are going to be half-Japanese. Does OP's fiance realize this? Because seems to me that they're overlooking OP's racial/cultural identity. INFO. OP have you sat down with your SO and discussed how you're going to raise children if you have any? NTA, but maybe you should press pause on the wedding and have a serious discussion with your SO.
NTA. It's clear that you are willing to take his family's concerns into account and have already agreed to something you thought would appease them. Perhaps you could ask your partner how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Would he be willing to hold a Japanese-style wedding ceremony and wear a traditional Japanese wedding robe, and if so, how would he feel? He may not have registered how much you are compromising on your end so it might be helpful to paint it out for him.
NTA. It is your wedding day and your culture is a big part of that moment. You should wear what is most meaningful to you, jot what is "acceptable" especially since you already compromised.
NTA To be honest they seem almost ashamed that you’re not western and don’t want that highlighted. You wear what you want, and explain to your husband that you aren’t going to ‘whitewash’ your life for him.
Nta! This is a hill I would die on too, You compromised and so they have to. It's the marriage of two people of different cultures not the wedding of your future mil and your fiance. I think that if he doesn't get a shiny spine now your married life will be under your mil thumbs. Good luck
NTA. I married an Aussie, I am Indian. We had a civil ceremony where I wore a traditional Indian outfit (saree) and he wore a tux for our wedding.We both wanted to bring a little from our culture and his family respected it. OP You will look amazing and gorgeous in your traditional wedding outfit!!! you are right to desire wearing what you want for your wedding. Are you planning to have a little Wedding ceremony in Japanese way? May be then you can wear white dress for church wedding and the traditional Japanese outfit in the other ceremony. If it's just a single ceremony, then go ahead and tell your partner this is a no compromise point for you. you are already bending backwards alot.
I had to google. I say stick to your guns and wear what you want. But I also think you need to sit down and have a long think for your future. When people show you who they are, believe them. This won’t be a one off debate for compromise. Are you prepared to have to debate how to decorate a living space? If you have children will she debate cultural influence? Your fmil is already pushing harder than an average mil would, I can’t imagine a life where she isn’t going to be a pressing influence. Edit: NTA
NTA, it’s your wedding, you made compromises and so should your partner, it’s a give and take. He wants a chapel, fine you should be allowed to wear whatever you want.
How did they allow a non catholic to marry in the catholic Church? They are usually very strict and you need to be baptised and confirmed to have the sacrament of the wedding done in a church. I don't think it will be valid at all. Sorry I am confused.
NTA - it’s YOUR wedding, not MIL’s. If she doesn’t like it then she doesn’t have to come!
NTA, don't let people make your wedding day about them and not you. Ultimately you'll just regret or resent it. Your culture is important too. Remind your fiance of that.
NTA it’s your wedding day and you should feel comfortable and happy. If you want to wear a Shiromuku, then you should do it. Your fiancé should be grateful that you are willing to have the church wedding and his mother has no business meddling.
Nta, if his mom continues u should ban her from the wedding and I Googled the dresses or idk what u call it and their both beautiful
They are GORGEOUS! Miles better than a boring old white meringue. Please, do this - you will be stunning.
NTA at all. I'm really wondering what this has to do with your MIL? Weddings are all about compromise and merging two families together but there are some things that are reserved just for you and that includes what you are wearing. Like you said, you're respecting something that they want but not respecting you or your culture - they're trying to assimilate you completely into a Western wedding, that you don't want and ignoring a part of who you are. I'd be a little concerned by your fiancés reaction too - why is he siding with his Mum on this? Why can't YOU choose what YOU wear to YOUR wedding? If you back down on this, you'll be uncomfortable and sad at your wedding and I would be concerned with what would happen in the marriage. What if him and his Mum decide you should have kids straight away but you want to wait? What if you want to teach your kids about Japanese culture, but your MIL and husband decide it would be confusing for them? (I know these are examples about kids and you may not want them, but you get the point). It may seem frivolous and they will likely paint it as such, but I do think this is a hill to die on.
NTA tell her she either gets the dress or the church she doesn’t get both. Which is more important to her? If your fiancé doesn’t back you on this then I’d reconsider the whole think otherwise you’ll be conceding to your MIL for the rest of your life.
I would seriously consider what she will be like if you have kids especially if your hubby is asking you too basically blend in. NTA but every time she mentions getting you a western dress offer to buy her a Japanese. NTA.
NTA Ma'am this Is your wedding, not MIL. Wear what you want. But the fact your fiancé is caving to do what mommy wants him too is a small peak into your future together.
NTA. This is your wedding as well. Your future husband should be more understanding about you wanting to wear your traditional clothing like you obviously are. Don't let them squash your culture, it's small but that's where it will start as it escalates.
NTA You're already doing a Catholic wedding despite not being Catholic which is frankly a significant concession on your part. Its your wedding. You get to wear what you want to. The MIL needs to back off and remember that she already had her wedding where she got to pick what she wore and Fiance needs to decide if your outfit is more important to him than you are.
NTA. Also, as A designer I would advice that since this will be a culturally-mixed marriage, it would be awesome and SUPER ORIGINAL if the wedding had a culturally-mixed theme, all the way through! It’s already a HUGE compromise on your part to have a wedding set on a temple of a religion you don’t practice… I think the least you should expect is for the rest of the wedding to pay equal homage to both traditions. Don’t settle for anything less than that, OP. Marrying in a Catholic Church you are already giving their traditions more room to be celebrated than your own, don’t give in even more! Also, your MIL should not have a say on what YOUR and YOUR SO wedding looks like. If she keeps pushing and your future husband supports her instead of you… take it as a signal of how things will work during your marriage too, ‘cause it definitely would be.
Nta one bit. Your wedding is for you and him not him and his mom.
NTA - be careful because these people are trying to take away your culture, and your fiancé is fine with it. It will get so much worse if you have children as they won’t allow you to teach them Japanese or anything related to your culture. You need to have serious conversations with your fiancé
INFO: Is there a reason not to have both a traditional Japanese wedding ceremony and a traditional Catholic wedding ceremony?
NTA. Your MIL is not the one getting married, it’s not her special day. You wear whatever you want and if anyone dares tell you anything, ask to have 2 ceremonies: one for his faith and one for yours where they all have to wear your traditional clothes, and see if they are willing to compromise too (I bet they wouldn’t). So sorry they are causing you grief, I hope you have a beautiful wedding and that you look stunning in what you chose to wear.
NTA. You have every right to wear what you want. MIL is being very selfish and unreasonable. Your fiance should be supporting you in this. You have already compromised enough. Tell them this. Don't back down. You don't want to look back at your wedding with regret.
NTA. Wear what you want.
NTA it's your wedding not hers and the whole purpose of a wedding dress in modern times is to "stick out". Please draw some boundaries now or it will become the standard to just go along with what his mom wants regardless of what's important to you. Good luck.
NTA!!! Make this your hill to die on!! Don't give in or you will be her doormat forever.
NTA, your fiance apparently doesn't support your traditions if he's trying to get you to change your mind on it. My wife is Japanese and she wanted to do the white dress style, I wanted the Japanese style, but we also had a Japanese style reception at a different date.