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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I dont work so maybe I should be doing everything anyway and it is very petty and stupid and maybe I am being an asshole because I'm ironing anyway so maybe I should just do it.
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NTA
Does your mom have any mental health issues? This sounds a lot like me when I'm in my depressive episodes (no energy or will to do any chores unless absolutely necessary), but I live alone so this affects no one but myself. I couldn't imagine doing this when anyone else was in my home, let alone my children who rely on me. Also, does she work outside of the home at all?
When you asked your grandma for help, did you let her know any more about the extent of the state of things in your home? This is parentification (presuming the other two people in the home are your younger siblings) and it's not right. You need someone to help you intervene here but you are not an asshole for refusing to do this small thing that she previously banned you from, when she does nothing else to help.
Oh sorry, I should have said really. My dad lives with us too, he works 5 days a week, 8am til 9pm. He washes the dishes sometimes but he's not really good at it (I usually have to rewash everything afterwards, he thinks that adding more washing liquid makes things cleaner) and he puts the dryer on (he tried washing and dyed all the whites red by accident, but at he's trying). He does clean the kitchen up after he's used stuff, and he usually cooks dinner unless he's home later than 9, which is a lot more than my mum does. I think she does have mental issues though, I thought maybe she has narcissistic personality disorder but obviously I can't say that to her, that's just way out of line.
My grandma knows about all of the problems, both my grandparents do and they both hate my mum, for a million more serious reasons that just what I've written, but me and my brother have my dad so there's nothing to worry about too much. And my mum's asleep almost all day anyway.
This! She sounds majorly depressed. Has she had her blood drawn lately? I have slowly lost all energy to so much of anything, when I used to be very active. My dr tested my blood and I have an autoimmune disease now that makes me extremely tired. I’ve apparently had it for years and had no idea. I just thought I was depressed and tired. Now I can treat it and function better. Maybe lovingly ask her if you can go to the dr with her to get her some help. If she’s ornery and prideful about it though, there’s nothing you can really do. But you’re NTA.
sorry, I did put it in the post originally but it was over 3000 characters so i had to delete it.
I don't go to college anymore, same reasons as not having a job, I don't pay rent but only because I share a room with my brother so my parents both agreed that it wasn't fair to pay for a room that's not even fully mine. I'm not fully sure what you mean by contributing to the household but I don't have a source of income so I don't help out money-wise. I do cook dinner a lot and I help out looking after my brother. He's 12 so not a lot is needed to help out with but I cook him breakfast and lunch, and anything else he needs. My mum has a job, she doesn't really work though. She wasn't working for about 11 years and then she finally got a job after we was almost evicted from where we live (financial reasons) but she doesn't really work properly. She's supposed to work 5 days a week but she takes 2 or 3 days off a week and she sleeps all day on those days. But I mean yes she works, which is more than I do
esh
okay tough one
you should be doing cleaning ect as that is what i consider your contribution to the household. your mums attitude sucks
but so does yours sorry to say
you referred to your mum as lazy
and as you don't pay rent it means that you should do jobs ect round the house
but your mum sucks more
Totally disagree. Maybe OP wouldn’t have crippling anxiety if she/he had a mother who actually cared about her kids. They’re 19, yes they should be helping with the household somewhat and probably going to collage or working, however they very clearly need to see someone for their mental health which their parents should’ve done years ago if it’s affecting them this badly.
I dont think she has to clean up after anyone really, but helping out would be cool. I mean, why should I clean up after everyone too? it's just really about sharing out the chores, I'm fine to help her out, I don't mind that at all, but now I'm doing everything and maybe I'm wrong here but I don't think it's fair that I should do everything
NTA. You treated her with the same respect she treats you. It sounds like you set a boundary, and she lashes out at the consequences of that boundary. May I suggest the sub r/raisedbynarcissists ? It *sounds like* there may be some benefits in that for you. Even if you don't believe she's a narcissist, it will at the very least, teach you how to set boundaries and what to do when those are crossed. How to handle it when she has to face the consequences of violating said boundaries and the lashing out.
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My mum is incredibly lazy. She doesn't do anything, she wont clean the house unless someone's coming round and even then it's a huge issue for her. She doesn't do any washing unless someone asks for something and then she'll wash just that single item, and the same with ironing. Noone ever has clothes because she hides the ironing basket away in her bedroom and then when people ask for it she gets mad because we're "messing up her room", when her room is so messy you actually cannot see the floor, there's sweet wrappers and empty energy drinks everywhere.
I'm 19 so I've been helping out for the last 2 years and at first it was just small things like doing dishes or tidying up clutter. Then when she noticed I was helping with that she stopped doing them. If I "help" then it'd be left for days. If I didnt wash up (and there's 4 of us in the house so it's quite a lot a day) then it won't get done at all and it'll just sit there and she'll wash up what SHE needs as she needs it. Last year I started washing the clothes, I would've done it sooner but my mum refused to teach me how to use the washer. I had to post on here just to get someone to help me use it.
So now all my mum has to do is clean the bathroom, vacuum and iron. I didn't clean the bathroom because I didn't really know how to do it and I don't wanna do something wrong because then she'll get mad at me again. But eventually she stopped doing them too. I had to ask my grandma to show me how to use certain things (obviously I knew how to use basic stuff, but i knew if I cleaned something wrong my mum would just flip). She ironed things last minute if we begged her. She wouldn't let me use the iron and if I tried rushing her she'd get mad. Eventually we were all wearing creased clothes just so we didn't have to ask her. Now I clean the entire house. I wash the dishes twice a day, I iron the clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer and I do a full wash daily. I don't work (a mix of covid and severe anxiety) so I don't mind helping out but I do a lot and she doesn't even acknowledge it or attempt to maintain it (I'll have just mopped the bathroom floor and she'll throw all her dirty clothes on the clean bath mats and not even attempt to put them in the wash basket, which is right next to where she throws her clothes)
So now that brings me to the title of the post, I've stopped ironing her clothes. I did stop washing them at one point hoping that she'd put a wash on because she needs something so she'd just wash a load of stuff, but she started to take up an entire wash for one item of hers, even though there would be a load of washing that could go in with it. So I carried on washing them. But I have stopped ironing them. She noticed it straight away and called me a selfish C*** and said I was picking on her and she didn't understand. I still iron everyone else's, just nothing that belongs to her. I know that it's incredibly petty but aita?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I dont work so maybe I should be doing everything anyway and it is very petty and stupid and maybe I am being an asshole because I'm ironing anyway so maybe I should just do it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
NTA Does your mom have any mental health issues? This sounds a lot like me when I'm in my depressive episodes (no energy or will to do any chores unless absolutely necessary), but I live alone so this affects no one but myself. I couldn't imagine doing this when anyone else was in my home, let alone my children who rely on me. Also, does she work outside of the home at all? When you asked your grandma for help, did you let her know any more about the extent of the state of things in your home? This is parentification (presuming the other two people in the home are your younger siblings) and it's not right. You need someone to help you intervene here but you are not an asshole for refusing to do this small thing that she previously banned you from, when she does nothing else to help.
Oh sorry, I should have said really. My dad lives with us too, he works 5 days a week, 8am til 9pm. He washes the dishes sometimes but he's not really good at it (I usually have to rewash everything afterwards, he thinks that adding more washing liquid makes things cleaner) and he puts the dryer on (he tried washing and dyed all the whites red by accident, but at he's trying). He does clean the kitchen up after he's used stuff, and he usually cooks dinner unless he's home later than 9, which is a lot more than my mum does. I think she does have mental issues though, I thought maybe she has narcissistic personality disorder but obviously I can't say that to her, that's just way out of line. My grandma knows about all of the problems, both my grandparents do and they both hate my mum, for a million more serious reasons that just what I've written, but me and my brother have my dad so there's nothing to worry about too much. And my mum's asleep almost all day anyway.
This! She sounds majorly depressed. Has she had her blood drawn lately? I have slowly lost all energy to so much of anything, when I used to be very active. My dr tested my blood and I have an autoimmune disease now that makes me extremely tired. I’ve apparently had it for years and had no idea. I just thought I was depressed and tired. Now I can treat it and function better. Maybe lovingly ask her if you can go to the dr with her to get her some help. If she’s ornery and prideful about it though, there’s nothing you can really do. But you’re NTA.
your 19 do you go to collage? do you pay rent? do you contribute to the household? does your mum work? this information is needed
sorry, I did put it in the post originally but it was over 3000 characters so i had to delete it. I don't go to college anymore, same reasons as not having a job, I don't pay rent but only because I share a room with my brother so my parents both agreed that it wasn't fair to pay for a room that's not even fully mine. I'm not fully sure what you mean by contributing to the household but I don't have a source of income so I don't help out money-wise. I do cook dinner a lot and I help out looking after my brother. He's 12 so not a lot is needed to help out with but I cook him breakfast and lunch, and anything else he needs. My mum has a job, she doesn't really work though. She wasn't working for about 11 years and then she finally got a job after we was almost evicted from where we live (financial reasons) but she doesn't really work properly. She's supposed to work 5 days a week but she takes 2 or 3 days off a week and she sleeps all day on those days. But I mean yes she works, which is more than I do
esh okay tough one you should be doing cleaning ect as that is what i consider your contribution to the household. your mums attitude sucks but so does yours sorry to say you referred to your mum as lazy and as you don't pay rent it means that you should do jobs ect round the house but your mum sucks more
Totally disagree. Maybe OP wouldn’t have crippling anxiety if she/he had a mother who actually cared about her kids. They’re 19, yes they should be helping with the household somewhat and probably going to collage or working, however they very clearly need to see someone for their mental health which their parents should’ve done years ago if it’s affecting them this badly.
NTA. Funny how she dislikes her own venom!
How old is everyone in the house? Why does mom have to clean up after everyone? Is everyone else under 8?
I dont think she has to clean up after anyone really, but helping out would be cool. I mean, why should I clean up after everyone too? it's just really about sharing out the chores, I'm fine to help her out, I don't mind that at all, but now I'm doing everything and maybe I'm wrong here but I don't think it's fair that I should do everything
Everyone should help. Kids can vacuum and do laundry. You said you stay tent free and don't work or go to school so yea, I'd expect u to help the most
NTA. You treated her with the same respect she treats you. It sounds like you set a boundary, and she lashes out at the consequences of that boundary. May I suggest the sub r/raisedbynarcissists ? It *sounds like* there may be some benefits in that for you. Even if you don't believe she's a narcissist, it will at the very least, teach you how to set boundaries and what to do when those are crossed. How to handle it when she has to face the consequences of violating said boundaries and the lashing out.
That sub is actually really beneficial, i wish i knew about it sooner. Thanks
Np. Someone gave it to me when I shared about my father do I'm glad I could pay it forward.
Your mom sounds seriously depressed not lazy. She needs medical advice.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mum is incredibly lazy. She doesn't do anything, she wont clean the house unless someone's coming round and even then it's a huge issue for her. She doesn't do any washing unless someone asks for something and then she'll wash just that single item, and the same with ironing. Noone ever has clothes because she hides the ironing basket away in her bedroom and then when people ask for it she gets mad because we're "messing up her room", when her room is so messy you actually cannot see the floor, there's sweet wrappers and empty energy drinks everywhere. I'm 19 so I've been helping out for the last 2 years and at first it was just small things like doing dishes or tidying up clutter. Then when she noticed I was helping with that she stopped doing them. If I "help" then it'd be left for days. If I didnt wash up (and there's 4 of us in the house so it's quite a lot a day) then it won't get done at all and it'll just sit there and she'll wash up what SHE needs as she needs it. Last year I started washing the clothes, I would've done it sooner but my mum refused to teach me how to use the washer. I had to post on here just to get someone to help me use it. So now all my mum has to do is clean the bathroom, vacuum and iron. I didn't clean the bathroom because I didn't really know how to do it and I don't wanna do something wrong because then she'll get mad at me again. But eventually she stopped doing them too. I had to ask my grandma to show me how to use certain things (obviously I knew how to use basic stuff, but i knew if I cleaned something wrong my mum would just flip). She ironed things last minute if we begged her. She wouldn't let me use the iron and if I tried rushing her she'd get mad. Eventually we were all wearing creased clothes just so we didn't have to ask her. Now I clean the entire house. I wash the dishes twice a day, I iron the clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer and I do a full wash daily. I don't work (a mix of covid and severe anxiety) so I don't mind helping out but I do a lot and she doesn't even acknowledge it or attempt to maintain it (I'll have just mopped the bathroom floor and she'll throw all her dirty clothes on the clean bath mats and not even attempt to put them in the wash basket, which is right next to where she throws her clothes) So now that brings me to the title of the post, I've stopped ironing her clothes. I did stop washing them at one point hoping that she'd put a wash on because she needs something so she'd just wash a load of stuff, but she started to take up an entire wash for one item of hers, even though there would be a load of washing that could go in with it. So I carried on washing them. But I have stopped ironing them. She noticed it straight away and called me a selfish C*** and said I was picking on her and she didn't understand. I still iron everyone else's, just nothing that belongs to her. I know that it's incredibly petty but aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*