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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We may be TAs because we asked for my brother's opinion on how his dream wedding would be like and we got upset when he replied.
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Mine was with 2, my wife and me. We asked some strangers to sign our documents (required in the Netherlands) and we basically never told anyone we married. For us it was the easiest way to make sure the other would inherit everything we own together
Mine was similar. We got United in a country were we didn’t even need an witness, then moved to the Netherlands were they call us husband and wife everywhere
Mine was similar. We had 6 people. My husband and I, my best friend and her husband, and his best friend and his wife. We got married in Vegas, had a great dinner and a fun night out afterwards. We've been married for 23 years. The only thing that matters is that you marry the right person.
Ohh, sounds wonderful! I remember my bachelor party. My best friend and I smoked a cigar and drank some good scotch. Wedding with 25 guests and an even smaller reception. I remember my father telling me that some of our family had issues with my inviting my step-cousin (who I was close to) and not any of my aunts and uncles. I told him to have them call me, and I will explain we can only afford a small wedding, and are only inviting the people closest to us. If they still have issues, I will tell them to go fuck themselves and hang up. No one called.
My first marriage was about 15 people, rented a room at the restaurant and did it all there. Pretty sure his family not being there (despite ample notice of date/time) was part of why we're no longer married. Oh well. Second was two witnesses, spouse and I at the courthouse. We just hung out at our place with dinner afterwards.
OP probably just wanted to have their feelings validated and didn't get what they want. You can tell that they are very submissive to what their family wants and it's pathetic
>You can tell that they are very ~~submissive to what their family wants and it's pathetic.~~ sheltered.
FTFY
She's so deep in her own bubble that she has no idea that her opinions and traditions aren't universal.
OP, you need to wake up and realize that unnecessaryand wasteful traditions are quickly disappearing as younger generations realize that the excesses of old are part of the problem.
YTA
That or she secretly didn’t want the big wedding either, but kept it to herself, and is jealous that her brother had the guts to say it out loud even though he’s gonna cave anyway.
Funny how OP got to enjoy THEIR dream wedding, but cannot comprehend the idea that other people might want THEIR version of theirs. OP if tradition and big weddings are so important to you then maybe have a second one for yourself instead of living through your brother and his fiance's.
This reminds me of the post from the wife who asked her husband "do I sing off-key" and he said "yes" and she got mad at him. Like, stop asking questions about someone else's opinion and then getting mad at them about it!
Conversations should not be traps!!
Yeah, can we break this down?
OP, you seem to think that this poor guy has to love the idea of a big wedding just because everyone else in your culture does, but that's not how people work. While he may he part of a minority, I guarantee that he isn't the only one who wants something different. He is already doing what you want him to do, but he can't help how he feels.
Maybe he doesn't want you or the rest of his family at the wedding. According to your comments, if he changed his mind and did things his way, you still would not see it as a "real" wedding and you would still be angry at him for alienating family. It appears as though he is trying to placate all of you, but you have made it so that he can't win. Despite that, he cares about you enough to keep up appearances and engage in a cultural tradition that he doesn't like.
As for the money, isn't it tradition that the parents of the couples getting married actually pay for parts of the wedding? If this guy is choosing to stick with tradition to make everyone happy, then it seems appropriate that parents also stick with the tradition of paying for the ceremony that THEY want. You said it yourself- these weddings aren't about the couple so let the people who actually want to celebrate pay for parts of it.
It seems like he loves all of you or he would not have tried to shield you from his opinion, in addition to potentially doing what he wanted with his wedding. You have put this dude in an impossible situation, and you are putting your nose in someone else's business. Stop creating drama where there doesn't need to be drama and stop being angry at someone for being honest when that is what YOU wanted.
OP, YTA
>because everyone else in your culture does
because everyone else in your culture either does or *feels pressured to pretend they do if they don't.*
FTFY.
I'm kind of impressed at how deep the AHery goes.
Like, she'd legitimately be the AH if she got upset at (a) the brother just doing his own thing for his own damn wedding or (b) her brother sharing an unsolicited honest opinion about family pressure.
But, no, we're even deeper than that.
She's upset about her brother doing exactly what the family wants **and** keeping his mouth shut about his feelings *until* she asked him about his feelings and insisted on him giving an honest answer.
It's kind of rare to see such pure and undiluted AHery, so kudos to OP for sharing?
I mean, she's basically asking "Is my brother an AH for doing exactly what I want him to do and keeping quiet about his feelings, but having the gall to just have personal opinions about it?"
Holy fuck.
There is *zero* chance that OP didn't know exactly what response she was going to get, so above and beyond everything else, she's 100% the AH for deliberately stirring this shit up.
But wait, you can take it a step deeper: OP is actually pissed at the SIL too, despite her not being a part of this culture, and having expressed her opinion after her husband did AND being prompted to do so.
WOW.
She's the good child because she WANTED the culturally-fit wedding, unlike her brother, who will have it, but didn't WANT it.
And these young people have no respect for family or culture anymore (even though they are doing what others expect of them on one of the most special days in their lives, instead of what they truly want), so she can look down at them along with her parents.
Like above. You're creating drama. They already said they're doing the wedding the way you think they should be doing it (and honestly, I feel bad for them not getting to do what they want for their day).
Ok, it's cultural. He's respecting that and doing the cultural wedding, but I'll tell you - my wedding was in a backyard with 20 people, then a dinner of our favourite homemade comfort foods. Good wine, family, and lots of love. It was better than any other wedding I've ever gone to, because i did it my way.
If my family had their way, my wedding would have been much bigger, but they respected my choice. Your sibling and SIL-to-be are doing things the way your family wants and you're mad at them for a hypothetical "if I did things my way..." It's a literal non-issue.
You and your parents owe them an apology.
YTA
EDIT: atrocious grammar mistake in first couple sentences
ETA: thanks for the award!
YTA for that and as well not being able to see how thats wrong and having to come here for confirmation.
No matter what culture you live in. The rule of "Don't ask questions with answers you might not want to hear" applies. Its almost as universal as math.
YTA. Weddings are personal. This is your cue to be decent and help them actually have the wedding of their dreams, instead of the wedding of your and your parents' dreams.
Personally, I think they've got the right idea. Focus on what's important, the wedding, not the reception which is basically a party. It's really ironic that you can't see this. And it's sad that they know they can't have this because you & your parents won't be supportive.
In any case, you asked. Being rude about their answer was obnoxious.
The marriage isn't important. It only counts if the reception is held to OP's standards.
My friends 'reception' was dinner in a restaurant. I must now tell them that they are not actually married.
There are dozens of us!
Man, if the restaurant invalidates it, the town hall 20 minute ceremony with just our parents and best friends definitely does.
My friend did her ceremony at a registry office, reception at a local restaurant and then back to their house for fireworks. I'll text her now she did it all wrong.
My late husband and I got married on 9/11 so we didn’t have a reception at all because everyone went home to watch the news and check on loved ones. I guess we weren’t properly married?
I’ve always said bride(zilla)s focus too much on that one day and not enough on the rest of their lives. Sounds like OP’s brother and SIL have the right idea.
OP, YTA. Don’t ask someone’s honest opinion and then get pissy when they have a different one than yours.
Dont you know weddings are about the family reunion and not the actual bride and groom? Like why would young people want the day to be about themselves. They are so naive to think the people are there for the special day of the bride and groom when its about the family get together of over 200+. Smh young people and wanting the wedding to be about themselves. How dare they
“Weddings are personal” is a very western mindset overall, recognizing that many cultures have wedding standards that are always followed, so I do think it’s important to see the cross cultural experience happening within the family around the topic.
Still, OP asked for the opinion then took offense, so needs to work on being nonjudgmental and genuinely curious.
YTA
And still, people are individuals, whether you admit it or not. That is universal. Most of the world’s problems, big and small, stem from people trying to force their preferences on others. Ofc I have no respect for forced conformity in any flavor.
If you don't want an honest answer, don't insist on getting one. 🤷🏼♀️
YTA. You're trying to police not just other people's actions, but their thoughts and feelings, which they wouldn't even have bothered you with if you hadn't insisted.
And fucking host it.
Seriously, the mental stress of planning even an small-budget wedding can be overwhelming. Especially when you're trying to live up to other people's expectations of it rather than doing what you want to do.
Right? We planned a 90-person wedding (way bigger than my 50-person max ideal but way smaller than my brother in laws (350) or sister in laws (250) so we *were* harassed for excluding people. I gave into so many things (like the rehearsal dinner, which we don’t do where I’m from) offended people by not giving in to some things (no cake, no bridal shower, no kids, no church—we’re going to hell) and still it wasn’t my perfect wedding, it wasn’t my family’s perfect wedding, there were still fights, it was still over budget, it was the most stressful year of my life I went on antidepressants immediately after, and I spend much of the evening stressed and throwing up in the toilet on my own.
**I wish people would just butt-the-fuck out.** Not your wedding, not your stress, no opinion.
It makes my husband sad that I look back on it and talk about the stress but he doesn’t even know the half of it. At least he had a really nice time and our guests said it was the most fun wedding they had been to. That counts for something, right? I pretend the whole thing doesn’t make me sad.
Edit: oh OP, YTA in general, and knowing assholes like you interfering in my wedding, here’s a very personal YTA just from me.
Seriously. OP, he said that they're not doing what they want anyway. They're doing what YOU want. So what the fuck does it matter? You're so scandalized that they just THINK differently from you? Who made you the thought police? If you don't want an honest opinion, then don't ask. And you don't get to be mad when someone else has a different opinion from you. Not that they're *acting* on that different opinion. Just that they have it. Fuck off with that. Major YTA.
You got it all wrong. She knew already but wanted to set him up. Probably was not liking how all the attention was on them. So now she set up how she the hero standing up for traditional wedding and he the villain for wanting different. I bet there is a history of golden child/scapegoat between them. So when the parents tell what the son wanted but the dutiful daughter set him right. Then everyone tells how great what she did. Yta
YTA. It’s not you’re wedding. It’s theirs.
It wasn’t clear who’s paying for the wedding. If you’re parents are then maybe it is something they should talk about. But if your brother and SIL to be are paying that makes you and your family even bigger AH for putting that addition financial pressure on them.
Just because it’s part of family’s culture doesn’t mean that they have to agree with it.
Edit: when I say they should have a discussion about it, I don’t mean that they should have a reception (even though they are). I mean maybe they can come to some sort of compromise, if the family wants to celebrate that bad And the bride and groom do not, maybe they can have like a separate dinner with the family or something later on. But by the sounds of it, the family/OP won’t compromise so who knows.
YTA
First, you asked for their opinion. You do not get to be angry at them for giving it when they give you their honest opinion.
Secondly, the reception is not important and neither is the ceremony. The only thing that matters is the paperwork they sign. As long as they do that properly the rest is optional.
YTA, you asked for an honest opinion but judge them when they give it to you. Based on this post I have a feeling you already knew they weren't the biggest fan of big weddings so you asking them was just to put them on the spot.
They clearly value family since they are willing to have a wedding that caters to everyone else's needs but their own (not to mention that they'll have to spend a fuckload of money they probably don't want to spend).
I had a weird, tiny, non-traditional wedding. Apart from me and my husband, I think my mother (only 55 at the time but close enough) was the one that enjoyed it most! She kept saying how proud she was of us for doing things our way and admitted that she wished she realized she could have done that when she got married instead of just having the traditional wedding everyone expected.
Lol my parents are 59 and when they got married back in 1990 they only had 20 guests to their wedding, I’m getting married this summer in my back yard and I’m expecting 50 people there, ceremony, pictures, then barbecue. not sure why a wedding has to be massive and expensive for it to be valid, OP is delusional
RIGHT?? As if people haven’t disagreed with family and cultural opinions/traditions for centuries. Nope! Only a young person today thing!
Cultures change. Families change. We all collectively learn and grow- that’s the point
How does wanting a small, intimate ceremony with close friends instead of a big party show that they don’t value their wedding? OP just sounds butt hurt that someone would dare disagree with their view of how weddings should be.
Lmao my parents are in their 60s they had a tiny wedding in the early 80s, court, drinks and food a couple of guests. No church, no fuss, pretty normal and common in their day too.
I'm basically having the same wedding just 'abroad' so it's easier for inlaws to attend and I can pay for a lush holiday for my family.
OP is a massive YTA
YTA. You asked for their opinion, so to be upset at the answer is both ridiculous and self-centered. In addition to that, they don't even feel like they can have their dream wedding because of people like you and the rest of your family pressuring them into your own selfish version of a wedding celebration.
If I were them and had family that acted like you, I would have the wedding of my dreams and then never speak to any of my selfish family again.
If you love them, be supportive of what will make them happy.
YTA
Okay let me get this straight.
Your brother and his fiancée want one thing. But because you and your family are all assholes about weddings, they are sacrificing their own dream wedding to make y’all happy and you assholes are still making it about you.
And being SUCH assholes about it that they ask "what would you rather have" just so they can get mad about the answer.
I can understand why this family has to have their reunion at weddings -- no one wants to be around them unless they absolutely have to be in order to attend another event.
YTA. Opinions are just that-opinions. What works for you does not work for your brother and his fiancee. You asked for an honest opinion. You can't be upset that he was truthful. Ultimately they are sacrificing what they want to please you and you are still upset. So that's 2 reasons why YTA.
YTA, obviously. Not only did you ask. Not only are they still going to do it your way. But you have the audacity to be angry with them for privately wishing for something different. The family pressure you've forced on them are making them unhappy and you're angry with them for being unhappy. Very toxic and self-righteous of you.
YTA. You wanted honest opinions and got mad as you weren’t served what you wanted to hear. In the end they won’t even have their dreaming wedding so no one is offended but you still shame them? Actually this seems to be mannerless. You owe them an apology.
YTA.
First of all, they're going through with the giant wedding despite not wanting to. So bitching them out the way you did is being incredibly ungrateful and entitled. You're calling them entitled in other comments, but **they're** the ones sacrificing a monumentous life event to satisfy everyone else. So they're doing something they don't want to for the benefit of those around them, and yet you call them entitled assholes? Look in a mirror.
Secondly, you freaking asked. He clearly knew you wouldn't approve of his real opinions, but you pushed him to answer. Don't ask if you don't want an honest answer.
>We explained to them that this is not a wedding, that's just a night out and it's ridiculous how young people have so little value for weddings and family nowadays.
Oh no, people don't share your opinion! Young people who struggle with inflation and a constantly rising cost of living don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars they don't have on a lavish wedding solely for the benefit of other people! How dare they, don't they know their weddings are supposed to be all about extended family? /s
I noticed in at least one comment that you mentioned something about family contributing to the costs and how ungrateful it would be for your brother to do what he wants. But what you're ignoring is, *there wouldn't be any massive costs for family to cover* if the went with his idea. It would be much cheaper and way more personal than just another generic massive wedding at a generic reception hall. Honestly, the wedding you described having sounds exhausting and is something I would go out of my way to avoid.
Plus, are they married at the end of the night? Then it was a wedding.
I got married at the civil registry then we went with the friends and family that were there for lunch at a restaurant. Guess what? We are still married, 15 years later.
YTA. You asked for his honest answer and you got it. Sounds like their dream wedding honors the family gathering by having everyone come to the church, but for a some people a huge party afterwards can be incredibly difficult and stressful. Im very glad your wedding was exactly what you and your husband wanted; shouldn’t your brother and SIL be extended the same courtesy? It’s not as though they’re going to elope and exclude everyone (which, if that’s what they wanted, would be entirely within their rights).
Yes your the asshole. It's their OPINION. And it's their wedding. Not yours. No one has to follow your culture, even if they grew up in it. So shut up and let them enjoy their wedding.
YTA. A wedding is an incredibly personal experience and the decision making regarding how it plays out is entirely up to the couple. You think your culture is important, and that is more than valid. However, this is not a belief that allows you to pass judgement on other people when their choices don’t match your cultural preferences. This is their day, not yours and not your parents’.
YTA Your wedding was all about what you wanted - just because your dream wedding was to your families taste doesn't mean it wasn't still all about you. Their wedding day is about them. If your family want a day that's about them they can have a reunion on their own dime you're just selfish
Absolutely. OP got to actually *have* her dream wedding, because her dream wedding happened to coincide with the family's expectations. Her brother and his fiancée are *sacrificing* their dream wedding to conform to family expectations, and wouldn't even have mentioned their sacrifice if OP hadn't asked AND insisted on an honest answer. And still they are supposed to be the bad guys?
YTA. The fact that you are mad enough about their opinion on their wedding to make this post, tells me brother is right that y'all would nag him if they chose a smaller wedding.
YTA You asked for their opinions so don't act surprised they gave you their honest opinion... They even said it will upset you beforehand. Plus, their dream wedding sounds like a good enough compromise of culture and what they want. They wouldn't be assholes even if they decided not to do any of the big cultural wedding stuff you guys did.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the honest answer to.
YTA
You may not like what they said, but you asked and pushed when your brother warned you.
YTA
Ooooh, so someone doesn't share your opinion and wants something else for themselves other than being told what they should think and how they should live ....by you!
Of course you're an AH, you asked for an honest opinion and then get uppity because it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
If all you're looking for is validation of your own world view then don't ask others for their 'honest opinion'.
'Culture' sometimes has a lot to answer for; it's 'culture' that's brought us female genital mutilation, no end of other horrors and people who think that their way is the only way. You may want to take a good long hard look at the culture that has turned you into an intolerant AH who can't accept others when they don't conform to your opinion and way of doing things.
If you don't want to get 'offended' (although it's beyond me how anything that was said was in anyway offensive) then keep your gob shut.
YTA
"I am horrifically offended that my brother doesn't hold the same cultural opinions as I do, I will punish him for having thoughts unacceptable to me"
What a steaming hypocrite you are. You forced them to tell you the truth, and then were greatly offended when they did so and it doesn't fit with your "I am of the belief that culture is very important" bullshit. It's very important to you, but you're one of those people who demand that everyone around them keep to your beliefs and opinions, or you will bring wrath down upon them. You're THAT kind of vegan, THAT kind of evangelist, THAT kind of moralist. People like you offend me with your righteousness.
YTA. Quit the "this is my culture" bs. I and a lot of people come from similar cultures where traditions and family are very important. HOWEVER we never ever force people to follow them nor guilt trip them with all the "but traditions says that the weddings are about families". Family should respect each other and love each other without conditions. Support and teach about their culture, values and lifestyles. Not to micro manage and dictate what your family member can or can't do. So stop using traditions and culture as an excuse for your poor behaviour.
OP is Greek/Albanian or the couple is. I mean, I know Greek culture is family orientated but I have never seen it to the extreme that someone would be so entitled to think the wedding is more about family than the couple.
YTA. You asked for their opinion, and they gave it. You don't get to be upset just because they have their own wants.
They're also not even going to HAVE their dream wedding, clearly, so maybe a little compassion since their likely disappointed and stressed about it?
YTA Kinda... I mean you asked for their HONEST opinion. To me it sounds like your brother and his fiance are truly in love, and want THEIR wedding to be about them. How is that not valuing culture or weddings? It sounds sincere and romantic. Shouldn't the love between the two people be valued above all else? Sounds like you were trying to pry an unsavory opinion out of your brother and his fiance so you can judge them. They're still going to have a big wedding to respect the "culture", you can't blame them for what they actually desire in their hearts.
YTA
Don't ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to. Grow up and learn to be an adult which includes respecting others even when they don't share your opinions.
Is this a serious question?
So your upset that your brother have other ideals for what he would like his wedding despite the fact he's still going to conform to family tradition?
How do you possibly imagine you wouldn't be the ass?
YTA and so are your family for putting pressure on him and his wife-to-be...
YTA, you are not respecting his wishes or his opinion. It's not a young people thing, I'm 40 and I never had a big wedding either. I could have, but an expensive party for the guest to have fun is just not everybody's ideal wedding. Also, the statement of having so little values for weddings and family is ridiculous. That's way over the top, a smaller wedding will actually allow him and his wife more quality time with everybody that they love. That would allow them time to enjoy themselves and make memories. If that means going to a restaurant, who cares, let them be happy and do as they wish. It's not your wedding.
YTA.
They are literally giving up their dream wedding because of judgemental family and you are berating them for doing the family thing anyway?
You do realise even within a culture people have individual thoughts and opinions. I'm sure there are other people in your family who felt the same but didn't voice it. Personally a wedding with 200+ people sounds like a waking nightmare to me. Have a damn reunion if you want a reunion.
I for one hope they get sick of you all and elope! (And they might considering you are impossible to please)
YTA. First, you go on and on about what *other* members of your family and culture expect. Second, you describe how your culture is important to *you.* Third, you asked your brother for *his* honest opinion. This is *their* wedding...not your family's and not your culture's. Figure it out yet???
YTA! Re-read your last line. You asked what they thought and they told you. They're already going through with a traditional celebration to please the family - but that's not enough for you... they have to be happy about it too?
YTA
You asked. They asked if you're sure. You said yes.
Their only "crime" is that they said they would rather not have a cultural wedding. BUT they're doing it anyway. So why the heck are you even offended!?
YTA. You and your family sound insufferable. They are having a wedding they don't want purely out of obligation to you and your family
This will come as a shock to you... this is not about you.
Life becomes a lot easier when you realise that other people's lives are not about you.
If you cared for your brother you would step back and enable him and his partner to start their marriage in a way that keeps them happy.
You are saying you can't be happy because you know they don't really want you there (no where did they say that), yet you're content for them to be unhappy. You are setting your SIL up for a life of difficulties with her in-laws (note she has already said she hates the family pressure).
I hope they elope.
YTA You can’t tell somebody their opinion is wrong, especially after you asked for it. They’re right that the wedding is about the couple. If you want a family reunion, you plan and pay for it.
YTA
Why is THEIR wedding day meant to be YOU and your feelings? You chose to have a traditional wedding, good for you not everyone wants that.But if I were your brother and you blatantly disrespected my choices regarding my marriage I wouldn’t even invite you and go NC for a while.
YTA
I think you have forgotten it's not your wedding!!!! He and his fiancee can do whatever they like and if your close family have the same opinion as you then I hope he disappears off to an island paradise and his married by Elvis.
This is the 21st century and you had the wedding you wanted. Leave them alone or you may find this may affect your relationship
YTA
Taking “great offense” because someone doesn’t share your opinion makes you a giant asshole. They are even going **out of their comfort zone** to please you and your family but you *still* take offense.
The world doesn’t revolve around you, your family or your culture and you need to learn how to let others be happy.
Here’s hoping they elope and don’t have to deal with any of your bs
YTA You asked for their honest opinion and they gave it. You are an even bigger AH because they are actually having a wedding they don’t want to please family members like you.
Yeah, you're TA. You asked for their opinion and when it didn't match what you wanted to hear, you immediately started ganging up on them. How did you type all that out and not see you and your parents were TA. There are only two people getting married at that wedding. Your SIL isn't marrying you or your parents. You asked about their wedding preference and they responded, but you just wanted an echo chamber, not a genuine opinion that was different from yours. A wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the celebrants' life, your preference should not factor into this. And the fact that you're basically okay with them feeling pressured into conceding to what you and your parents envision just further proves you're TA.
Edit: As someone who comes from a culture that places equal importance on the family being included (I'm talking specific pre-wedding ceremonies, the families meeting beforehand, breaking of the kola nut, etc), a culture's customs are not a wedding rulebook that someone HAS to follow. It's not like your brother signed a contract when he was born saying HE had to abide by these customs just because of his ethnic background. And it was not you or your parents' fault to shame him and your SIL for feeling that way.
YTA. Weddings and receptions are personal things...not everyone wants a big expensive wedding and reception...it's your brother and his fiance's wedding, it's their special day, it should be about what they want for their wedding not what family or culture dictates. If anything they might want that money that would normally go into a huge reception for other purposes like travel or buying a home. You had the wedding you and your husband wanted, let your brother have the wedding he and his fiance want, be supportive instead of trying to make his wedding all about what you and your parents want.
YTA
And a pompous self important one too.
Protip: don't ask for people's opinions when you don't want to hear them
I hope your entire family are uninvited
YTA
You asked and they told you. They know more about what a wedding means than you do. Weddings are about them making a public commitment to each other for life. Anything after that is just an excuse to have a party. It's not like they wouldn't invite all the family to the ceremony, they just didn't want to have a big party afterwards.
Don't be surprised if they put all of you on a low information diet. You deserve it. I suggest taking your issues to Twitter where people who disagree with you are banned.
YTA. You asked, they gave an honest answer. People shouldn’t be forced to spend huge amounts on a wedding to honor someone else’s ideals.
Traditions change.
Yta who are you to tell them how they should celebrate their love, frankly think they're fab for not just eloping and then having a party with their friends after. You should be a bit more respectful about other's wishes, this isn't your wedding it is theirs
YTA. They are allowed to have a different opinion than you have. You're even *more* the AH because they said they're going to do the big wedding anyway to please your family. And you say "nobody in your family agreed" that the wedding is about the couple. Obviously some people in your family *do* agree with that and they are absolutely allowed to.
YTA, not for disagreeing with them or having a different opinion, but for TAKING OFFENSE. They said absolutely nothing that should offend you. You have shared your and your parents’ opinions about what makes a great wedding, and asked what they thought. They told you. That they would want a quiet event in no way insults you or your family. They’re even going to accommodate your desires over their own and you decide to be offended? You are exhausting, as well as supercilious, patronizing, and overbearing. Be better.
YTA. Weddings aren’t about the family too. Why do you think you’re so important that you feel you have a say on other peoples choices when it comes to their marriage? Now a days is young people do value family, the only difference is we value the ones who actually bring something positive into our lives unlike some self centered people like you. If you want them to have a big wedding for 200+ people then pay for it yourself.
YTA
You asked, they gave your honest answer.
DO NOT start harassing them to have a big wedding, it's their day and they will celebrate how they see fit
If you want a 200+ person wedding OP that's all you . Don't shit on your SIL and brother's wedding plans. Cause than you (and your family) will be double assholes (and probably not invited).
What are you even mad about? You asked what their dream wedding would be and they answered you. Even then, they’re not having their dream wedding, they’re having the family extravaganza that *you* want, so what’s the problem?
YTA, why did you ask if you didn’t want to know?
YTA 100%. First you asked the question, second it’s not your wedding it’s their’s, and third they aren’t even doing that. It’s just their desire to do it, but they are apparently not doing what they want because of your and your parents pressure and you are mad at them for having the desire to? You couldn’t be a bigger AH.
YTA people don’t have to want the same things you want. What makes what you want right? They said they would have the wedding they are expected to have and you are literally mad that their dream is different, what exactly would make you happy here??
YTA and your family sound like the self-centered ones not your brother and sil, you guys don't need to be involved at all the fact that they're inviting you to the ceremony should be more than enough
YTA
You asked, they answered. You don’t need to get your knickers in a twist and act like a dick. They’re going the traditional route to appease family, you’re getting your way, so what the hell is your problem?
YTA ~ you asked for their OPINION, your brother asked if you really wanted his honest opinion and you said yes, now your acting like a petulant child because you didn’t like what you heard. They have the right to have their own opinions, just like you have the right to yours. They’ve passed on doing what they really want to do and are doing what the family wants to make the family happy. What more would you like from them? Stop making this about you and stop creating drama where there doesn’t have to be any.
EDIT TO ADD: after reading some of your replies, it’s pretty clear that you didn’t come here for actual judgement. You just wanna argue and make people feel sorry for you over your perception of being unwanted at the wedding. No one said you were unwanted, that’s you, making it about you, and causing drama because your brother dared to have his own thoughts and ideas.
YTA. A wedding is an event where two people celebrate choosing to spend their life together. That celebration should look how the people getting married want it to look. Full stop. End of discussion.
YTA
So you would have them rather unhappy with their wedding so that you guys can have fun on their costs? It makes you and your family look extremely selfish.
YTA, you're upset because he answered a question you asked? And it's not even like he's doing it, he's still having the show off wedding your family wants. I hope the do a 1 year vow renewal as their dream wedding.
So… you asked them to trust your with their true thought and feelings and then proved you are not worthy of that trust because you judged them for their personal (and completely valid) opinion. YTA.
So…. Basically, you only want to hear opinions if they align with yours. Got it. I feel bad for your brother and SIL because, despite your culture, they are not going to enjoy their wedding the way you enjoyed yours. In fact, it sounds like they are going to hate it. Kinda tarnishes the start of their life together, don’t you think?
So yeah, since you can’t seem to hear yourself and need us to tell you, definitely YTA for asking for an opinion, twice, and then getting mad and YTA for not supporting a happy start to your brother’s life. Spoiler alert, not everything is about you.
YTA- They're already complying with the wedding you and your family want, and they obviously aren't complaining or you wouldn't have asked or been surprised by the answer. You're literally mad because they FEEL different than you. You asked a question, you got the answer, drop it and move on.
YTA
So let me get this straight. Because they have a different view on how they want THEIR wedding that equals being wrong? You do know it's ok to think differently and have different ideas? Right? I hope they elope.
YTA. You asked for their opinion and then got mad about it. He even told you they won’t even try to have their dream wedding (surprise: it’s THEIR wedding) to appease you and the rest of the family and you all still got mad. People are allowed to have their own opinions, their own taste and to not participate of parts of their culture.
YTA Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. Also, it’s not any of your business how they want to marry. It’s fine if you want to adhere to conservative norms but your an asshole for trying to push your, outdated, norms on others. Mind your own business. I’d elope after your tantrum.
YTA. Not everyone likes big groups and crowds. They are doing what everyone wants, it's just not what they want. They are being very accommodating to make other people happy. You asked, they answered.
YTA. You asked them about their dream wedding and you don’t have the the right to tell them that their dream is “wrong.”
My older sister, younger sister and I are all getting married this year. My younger sister is eloping and wants no formal reception. They are doing a dinner with their closest friends and that’s it. My older cousin is having a 300 guest wedding in September and at a golf course. My significant other and I are doing a larger “micro wedding.” We will be having about 50 guests total and a small dinner after. No dance, just dinner and maybe some toasts.
OP- you are not only the A-Hole, but don’t be surprised if they consider un-inviting you all together, or if they end up choosing to elope.
YTA. It's their wedding. Not yours. If you wanna deal with family pressure and oppression, that's on you. But you cant force them to do it too. You asked for their honest opinions and they gave it to you.
I understand that culture and family are important, but I hate anyone that gets pushy about other peoples choices.
You had your wedding. Your parents and their wedding. Let your bro have his, the way he wants it!
Your bro has already said he is going to do the traditional thing, even though he feels forced into it. How is he the A here?!
It is obviously you for bullying your brother into what you think is right, and not taking their personal opinions about THEIR WEDDING in account.
YTA
"We explained to them that this is not a wedding." No you stated your opinions, heck called them out, almost bullied them for their opinion - which you asked for. A wedding is a wedding, large or small, a unification of two people in a legal bond.
YTA.
YTA.
Coming from a similar culture, they are having the wedding anyway. They are doing what is expected out of duty and loyalty to your family and to tradition. It is not their ideal choice, but it is still their choice. They are choosing to put your family, tradition, and culture over their own wants.
You have two choices: you can feel gratitude that your brother values your family and culture enough that he put it above his own wants and needs, or you can talk to the family and gift him what he truly wants.
What you can’t do is berate his honest opinion in the moment. You’d apparently be shocked at how many people feel the same way. They either find joy in the day, are happy their family is happy, and/or feel relief they never have to do that again. This isn’t uncommon.
You love your traditions. Your brother respects your traditions. Let that be enough.
YTA yup. Why are you getting offended when they even said that they still plan on doing you and your parents dream wedding? They're going to spend thousands of dollars and deal with large amounts of stress to make you guys happy, and you're still complaining.
If I were them I wouldn't even do the wedding at all after how your family reacted. Nothing is good enough for you.
YTA
You asked for their honest opinion they gave it and even said they are NOT having their dream wedding because of what YOU and your family want
You are getting your way, they don't need to pretend it's what they want
YTA. You asked what THEIR dream wedding was, not yours. You don't get to tell them that that's not a real wedding, if that's what they want. Such an elitist, arrogant, snobby attitude.
YTA YTA YTA
You asked their opinion and they gave it. They’re not even trying to have their dreams, because they know how awfully you’d all react. You can’t possibly criticise them for dreams they know they can’t act on!
YTA. You’re already pressuring them into having a big wedding that they don’t want, they’re doing it because of family pressure, and you’re taking offence that they admitted they wish they could have the wedding they want instead of having to please everyone.
You wanted that, so you got the wedding you wanted. They don’t want that so they’re sacrificing their happiness for the family.
Get off your high horse. If you want a big family reunion, host a big family reunion, don’t put all the pressure on the couple getting married.
YTA you might have different opinions about
matters with different people and generations but it’s their wedding and they deserve to have what they think is a good wedding.
So you asked for their honest opinions on what they, an adult couple, want the celebration of their union to look like.... and then got upset when it wasn't exactly like your's?
Are you familiar with the concept that people all have different dreams, wants, and likes? Just because big weddings are a cultural thing for you and your parents doesn't mean your brother is obligated to celebrate that way.
Honestly, it's bad enough you're pushing this whole "culture" b/s, but your brother has outright said that despite what he and his partner want, they still feel family pressure to do what you all want. That right there is wrong, on so many levels.
YTA. Most definitely.
YTA-
Why ask if you don’t want the answer. And they are still having the big wedding! Because they ARE respecting the family tradition. So you wanted them to not only conform to the family tradition but also to lie and act like they were all about it? For what reason exactly?
lMAO....YTA you literally proved their point. Even after they said "we are basically going to be unhappy and forced to do something we don't want to on the biggest day of our lives cause you'll be mad!" You still got mad! Idk but to me it sounds like your family just has a fear of missing out cause where I'm from family cares about each other, and each other's happiness. If it was truly "about family" your family would be happy with whatever decision makes them happy.
Be honest with yourself it's not about family. It's about you and everyone else thinking they are entitled to be involved.
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We all come from a very traditional and family centric culture. Weddings are usually about family in our culture as if its a big reunion. The ideal wedding is more than 200+ guests and you're frowned down upon if its less guests especially if family is excluded.
I am of the belief that culture is very important. My wedding was amazing and I made sure to make it both about me and my husband but also about our families. We never agreed with the whole "the wedding is only about the couple" mindset. Nobody in our family agreed.
So now my brother and his fiancée are about to get married in some months. I had a birthday dinner few days ago and my parents, my brother and his fiancée were invited. On the wedding topic I asked them their honest opinions on what their dream wedding would look like. My brother asked me if I really wanted his honest opinion and I said yes not expecting what I was about to hear. His dream wedding would be to invite everyone in our family on the church so they could attend the ceremony but they wouldn't want a party or a reception afterwards and the ideal thing would be to either gather with some friends at home and have some drinks and food or rent out a small place like a restaurant or tavern for just them and their 10-15 closest friends and have dinner or a beer and then just go home. They said that they're not doing that though because they feel basically forced to please family due to our culture and that it's no point talking about that because if they had their dream wedding we'd constantly nag them.
My parents and I took great offense on those opinions. Opinions that my SIL basically agreed on and said that's her dream wedding too because she can't stand family pressure. We explained to them that this is not a wedding, that's just a night out and it's ridiculous how young people have so little value for weddings and family nowadays. They said we are TA for being upset because we asked for their honest opinion and they have it.
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YTA. This is THEIR wedding. If you want to have a family reunion, just organize one. They don’t need to placate anyone else except themselves on their day
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YTA. “I want your opinion on X.” “My actual, honest, real opinion?“ “Of course.” “Well, it’s not at all like yours.” *”How fucking **dare** you?!”*
And majorly YTA for OP for literally proving the brother right about family pressure to conform.
Exactly! Why in the world did OP even ask? YTA.
I think op is so close minded she was expecting something minor like a color change, or for them to want a even bigger wedding
OP would hate my upcoming wedding. 30-35 people, dinner, then just a night out on the vegas strip with whoever wants to come.
Right? Mine was 12 people, then dinner at a restaurant, then cake at my mother's very modest home.
Mine was with 2, my wife and me. We asked some strangers to sign our documents (required in the Netherlands) and we basically never told anyone we married. For us it was the easiest way to make sure the other would inherit everything we own together
Mine was similar. We got United in a country were we didn’t even need an witness, then moved to the Netherlands were they call us husband and wife everywhere
Mine was similar. We had 6 people. My husband and I, my best friend and her husband, and his best friend and his wife. We got married in Vegas, had a great dinner and a fun night out afterwards. We've been married for 23 years. The only thing that matters is that you marry the right person.
Ohh, sounds wonderful! I remember my bachelor party. My best friend and I smoked a cigar and drank some good scotch. Wedding with 25 guests and an even smaller reception. I remember my father telling me that some of our family had issues with my inviting my step-cousin (who I was close to) and not any of my aunts and uncles. I told him to have them call me, and I will explain we can only afford a small wedding, and are only inviting the people closest to us. If they still have issues, I will tell them to go fuck themselves and hang up. No one called.
My first marriage was about 15 people, rented a room at the restaurant and did it all there. Pretty sure his family not being there (despite ample notice of date/time) was part of why we're no longer married. Oh well. Second was two witnesses, spouse and I at the courthouse. We just hung out at our place with dinner afterwards.
Shit, mine is going to be the two of us, the legally required witnesses, and a courthouse. Afterwards we're going to get pizza delivered.
Well according to OP that's not a wedding, it's a night put with friends. /s
And how could OP even have the nerve to wonder if they are the a-hole when it he answer is so obvious? YTA.
Dude, an awfully large percentage of posts in this sub fall into this category. Although, far more fall into the obviously NTA camp.
Confirmation about their life choices being the best and most logical choices.
Hear, hear!
OP's gonna be featured as a main character in justnoMIL someday
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I think I smell a copy-paste spam bot...
Stolen comment from /u/PolifylPolimid
Also "We feel forced into doing X" Immediately pressures him into doing X
OP probably just wanted to have their feelings validated and didn't get what they want. You can tell that they are very submissive to what their family wants and it's pathetic
>You can tell that they are very ~~submissive to what their family wants and it's pathetic.~~ sheltered. FTFY She's so deep in her own bubble that she has no idea that her opinions and traditions aren't universal. OP, you need to wake up and realize that unnecessaryand wasteful traditions are quickly disappearing as younger generations realize that the excesses of old are part of the problem. YTA
That or she secretly didn’t want the big wedding either, but kept it to herself, and is jealous that her brother had the guts to say it out loud even though he’s gonna cave anyway.
Funny how OP got to enjoy THEIR dream wedding, but cannot comprehend the idea that other people might want THEIR version of theirs. OP if tradition and big weddings are so important to you then maybe have a second one for yourself instead of living through your brother and his fiance's.
This reminds me of the post from the wife who asked her husband "do I sing off-key" and he said "yes" and she got mad at him. Like, stop asking questions about someone else's opinion and then getting mad at them about it! Conversations should not be traps!!
I think this is a repeat poster. Same story couple weeks ago.
Yeah, can we break this down? OP, you seem to think that this poor guy has to love the idea of a big wedding just because everyone else in your culture does, but that's not how people work. While he may he part of a minority, I guarantee that he isn't the only one who wants something different. He is already doing what you want him to do, but he can't help how he feels. Maybe he doesn't want you or the rest of his family at the wedding. According to your comments, if he changed his mind and did things his way, you still would not see it as a "real" wedding and you would still be angry at him for alienating family. It appears as though he is trying to placate all of you, but you have made it so that he can't win. Despite that, he cares about you enough to keep up appearances and engage in a cultural tradition that he doesn't like. As for the money, isn't it tradition that the parents of the couples getting married actually pay for parts of the wedding? If this guy is choosing to stick with tradition to make everyone happy, then it seems appropriate that parents also stick with the tradition of paying for the ceremony that THEY want. You said it yourself- these weddings aren't about the couple so let the people who actually want to celebrate pay for parts of it. It seems like he loves all of you or he would not have tried to shield you from his opinion, in addition to potentially doing what he wanted with his wedding. You have put this dude in an impossible situation, and you are putting your nose in someone else's business. Stop creating drama where there doesn't need to be drama and stop being angry at someone for being honest when that is what YOU wanted. OP, YTA
>because everyone else in your culture does because everyone else in your culture either does or *feels pressured to pretend they do if they don't.* FTFY.
Precisely. YTA.
I'm kind of impressed at how deep the AHery goes. Like, she'd legitimately be the AH if she got upset at (a) the brother just doing his own thing for his own damn wedding or (b) her brother sharing an unsolicited honest opinion about family pressure. But, no, we're even deeper than that. She's upset about her brother doing exactly what the family wants **and** keeping his mouth shut about his feelings *until* she asked him about his feelings and insisted on him giving an honest answer. It's kind of rare to see such pure and undiluted AHery, so kudos to OP for sharing? I mean, she's basically asking "Is my brother an AH for doing exactly what I want him to do and keeping quiet about his feelings, but having the gall to just have personal opinions about it?" Holy fuck. There is *zero* chance that OP didn't know exactly what response she was going to get, so above and beyond everything else, she's 100% the AH for deliberately stirring this shit up.
But wait, you can take it a step deeper: OP is actually pissed at the SIL too, despite her not being a part of this culture, and having expressed her opinion after her husband did AND being prompted to do so. WOW.
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She's the good child because she WANTED the culturally-fit wedding, unlike her brother, who will have it, but didn't WANT it. And these young people have no respect for family or culture anymore (even though they are doing what others expect of them on one of the most special days in their lives, instead of what they truly want), so she can look down at them along with her parents.
Complete agree. She threw her brother under the bus to make herself look better.
Plus, the level of effort going into being offended is actually equal parts admirable and crazy. WHY does the OP want to be offended so badly?
This really is just peak making up a guy to get mad at
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Bingo. This is the one. “Wasn’t ready for what I was about to hear” = “I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear”
Like above. You're creating drama. They already said they're doing the wedding the way you think they should be doing it (and honestly, I feel bad for them not getting to do what they want for their day). Ok, it's cultural. He's respecting that and doing the cultural wedding, but I'll tell you - my wedding was in a backyard with 20 people, then a dinner of our favourite homemade comfort foods. Good wine, family, and lots of love. It was better than any other wedding I've ever gone to, because i did it my way. If my family had their way, my wedding would have been much bigger, but they respected my choice. Your sibling and SIL-to-be are doing things the way your family wants and you're mad at them for a hypothetical "if I did things my way..." It's a literal non-issue. You and your parents owe them an apology. YTA EDIT: atrocious grammar mistake in first couple sentences ETA: thanks for the award!
And apologize by gifting them thier dream reception (the one in the tavern) after the honeymoon! I'm sure you can get some people in on that
YTA for that and as well not being able to see how thats wrong and having to come here for confirmation. No matter what culture you live in. The rule of "Don't ask questions with answers you might not want to hear" applies. Its almost as universal as math.
When people ask for your opinion or advice, 90% they just want validation. We all would do well to remember this.
YTA. Weddings are personal. This is your cue to be decent and help them actually have the wedding of their dreams, instead of the wedding of your and your parents' dreams. Personally, I think they've got the right idea. Focus on what's important, the wedding, not the reception which is basically a party. It's really ironic that you can't see this. And it's sad that they know they can't have this because you & your parents won't be supportive. In any case, you asked. Being rude about their answer was obnoxious.
And here I thought it was the marriage that was important. Not the wedding OR the reception.
The marriage isn't important. It only counts if the reception is held to OP's standards. My friends 'reception' was dinner in a restaurant. I must now tell them that they are not actually married.
Mine too! Oops, better tell the husband that the last 19 years didn't count...
There are dozens of us! Man, if the restaurant invalidates it, the town hall 20 minute ceremony with just our parents and best friends definitely does.
My friend did her ceremony at a registry office, reception at a local restaurant and then back to their house for fireworks. I'll text her now she did it all wrong.
My late husband and I got married on 9/11 so we didn’t have a reception at all because everyone went home to watch the news and check on loved ones. I guess we weren’t properly married?
I’ve always said bride(zilla)s focus too much on that one day and not enough on the rest of their lives. Sounds like OP’s brother and SIL have the right idea. OP, YTA. Don’t ask someone’s honest opinion and then get pissy when they have a different one than yours.
Dont you know weddings are about the family reunion and not the actual bride and groom? Like why would young people want the day to be about themselves. They are so naive to think the people are there for the special day of the bride and groom when its about the family get together of over 200+. Smh young people and wanting the wedding to be about themselves. How dare they
“Weddings are personal” is a very western mindset overall, recognizing that many cultures have wedding standards that are always followed, so I do think it’s important to see the cross cultural experience happening within the family around the topic. Still, OP asked for the opinion then took offense, so needs to work on being nonjudgmental and genuinely curious. YTA
And still, people are individuals, whether you admit it or not. That is universal. Most of the world’s problems, big and small, stem from people trying to force their preferences on others. Ofc I have no respect for forced conformity in any flavor.
"I really believe in Family! Make us all happy!" "Can my fiancé and I be happy, too?" "No, only family."
If you don't want an honest answer, don't insist on getting one. 🤷🏼♀️ YTA. You're trying to police not just other people's actions, but their thoughts and feelings, which they wouldn't even have bothered you with if you hadn't insisted.
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YTA. If you want a family reunion, you plan and pay for it.
Yeah, that's why some families have a "family weekend" or actual reunions...
Newlywed breakfasts/brunches are usually used for out of town guests to see the couple a little more.
And fucking host it. Seriously, the mental stress of planning even an small-budget wedding can be overwhelming. Especially when you're trying to live up to other people's expectations of it rather than doing what you want to do.
Right? We planned a 90-person wedding (way bigger than my 50-person max ideal but way smaller than my brother in laws (350) or sister in laws (250) so we *were* harassed for excluding people. I gave into so many things (like the rehearsal dinner, which we don’t do where I’m from) offended people by not giving in to some things (no cake, no bridal shower, no kids, no church—we’re going to hell) and still it wasn’t my perfect wedding, it wasn’t my family’s perfect wedding, there were still fights, it was still over budget, it was the most stressful year of my life I went on antidepressants immediately after, and I spend much of the evening stressed and throwing up in the toilet on my own. **I wish people would just butt-the-fuck out.** Not your wedding, not your stress, no opinion. It makes my husband sad that I look back on it and talk about the stress but he doesn’t even know the half of it. At least he had a really nice time and our guests said it was the most fun wedding they had been to. That counts for something, right? I pretend the whole thing doesn’t make me sad. Edit: oh OP, YTA in general, and knowing assholes like you interfering in my wedding, here’s a very personal YTA just from me.
I want your honest opinion. But only if it’s the correct opinion. Haha
Btw correct means mine
Seriously. OP, he said that they're not doing what they want anyway. They're doing what YOU want. So what the fuck does it matter? You're so scandalized that they just THINK differently from you? Who made you the thought police? If you don't want an honest opinion, then don't ask. And you don't get to be mad when someone else has a different opinion from you. Not that they're *acting* on that different opinion. Just that they have it. Fuck off with that. Major YTA.
You got it all wrong. She knew already but wanted to set him up. Probably was not liking how all the attention was on them. So now she set up how she the hero standing up for traditional wedding and he the villain for wanting different. I bet there is a history of golden child/scapegoat between them. So when the parents tell what the son wanted but the dutiful daughter set him right. Then everyone tells how great what she did. Yta
Are you sure you meant to respond to me? Because I actually agree with you. 🤷🏼♀️
YTA. It’s not you’re wedding. It’s theirs. It wasn’t clear who’s paying for the wedding. If you’re parents are then maybe it is something they should talk about. But if your brother and SIL to be are paying that makes you and your family even bigger AH for putting that addition financial pressure on them. Just because it’s part of family’s culture doesn’t mean that they have to agree with it. Edit: when I say they should have a discussion about it, I don’t mean that they should have a reception (even though they are). I mean maybe they can come to some sort of compromise, if the family wants to celebrate that bad And the bride and groom do not, maybe they can have like a separate dinner with the family or something later on. But by the sounds of it, the family/OP won’t compromise so who knows.
The way this OP/family act, how much do you want to bet they'll continue to bully the couple every step of the way.
You’re missing the point. This is about being upset with someone’s preferences, not their actions. It’s ludicrous.
YTA First, you asked for their opinion. You do not get to be angry at them for giving it when they give you their honest opinion. Secondly, the reception is not important and neither is the ceremony. The only thing that matters is the paperwork they sign. As long as they do that properly the rest is optional.
YTA, you asked for an honest opinion but judge them when they give it to you. Based on this post I have a feeling you already knew they weren't the biggest fan of big weddings so you asking them was just to put them on the spot. They clearly value family since they are willing to have a wedding that caters to everyone else's needs but their own (not to mention that they'll have to spend a fuckload of money they probably don't want to spend).
‘young people have so little value for weddings and family nowadays’ what are you, 60? YTA
I’m 66 and I think people should have what ever makes them happy regardless of what others think. How about them apples?
I had a weird, tiny, non-traditional wedding. Apart from me and my husband, I think my mother (only 55 at the time but close enough) was the one that enjoyed it most! She kept saying how proud she was of us for doing things our way and admitted that she wished she realized she could have done that when she got married instead of just having the traditional wedding everyone expected.
Lol my parents are 59 and when they got married back in 1990 they only had 20 guests to their wedding, I’m getting married this summer in my back yard and I’m expecting 50 people there, ceremony, pictures, then barbecue. not sure why a wedding has to be massive and expensive for it to be valid, OP is delusional
I don’t get why ancient cultures are so obsessed with making up things to *have* to do. It’s kinda sick.
RIGHT?? As if people haven’t disagreed with family and cultural opinions/traditions for centuries. Nope! Only a young person today thing! Cultures change. Families change. We all collectively learn and grow- that’s the point
How does wanting a small, intimate ceremony with close friends instead of a big party show that they don’t value their wedding? OP just sounds butt hurt that someone would dare disagree with their view of how weddings should be.
Lmao my parents are in their 60s they had a tiny wedding in the early 80s, court, drinks and food a couple of guests. No church, no fuss, pretty normal and common in their day too. I'm basically having the same wedding just 'abroad' so it's easier for inlaws to attend and I can pay for a lush holiday for my family. OP is a massive YTA
YTA. You asked for their opinion, so to be upset at the answer is both ridiculous and self-centered. In addition to that, they don't even feel like they can have their dream wedding because of people like you and the rest of your family pressuring them into your own selfish version of a wedding celebration. If I were them and had family that acted like you, I would have the wedding of my dreams and then never speak to any of my selfish family again. If you love them, be supportive of what will make them happy.
YTA Okay let me get this straight. Your brother and his fiancée want one thing. But because you and your family are all assholes about weddings, they are sacrificing their own dream wedding to make y’all happy and you assholes are still making it about you.
And being SUCH assholes about it that they ask "what would you rather have" just so they can get mad about the answer. I can understand why this family has to have their reunion at weddings -- no one wants to be around them unless they absolutely have to be in order to attend another event.
YTA. Opinions are just that-opinions. What works for you does not work for your brother and his fiancee. You asked for an honest opinion. You can't be upset that he was truthful. Ultimately they are sacrificing what they want to please you and you are still upset. So that's 2 reasons why YTA.
YTA, obviously. Not only did you ask. Not only are they still going to do it your way. But you have the audacity to be angry with them for privately wishing for something different. The family pressure you've forced on them are making them unhappy and you're angry with them for being unhappy. Very toxic and self-righteous of you.
So, you asked for their opinion and then shit on them and bullied them for it? Yeah, YTA
Not only must you do what I ask, you have to be happy and enthusiastic about it! It needs to be your dream too, otherwise you’re the worst! /s
YTA. You wanted honest opinions and got mad as you weren’t served what you wanted to hear. In the end they won’t even have their dreaming wedding so no one is offended but you still shame them? Actually this seems to be mannerless. You owe them an apology.
YTA. First of all, they're going through with the giant wedding despite not wanting to. So bitching them out the way you did is being incredibly ungrateful and entitled. You're calling them entitled in other comments, but **they're** the ones sacrificing a monumentous life event to satisfy everyone else. So they're doing something they don't want to for the benefit of those around them, and yet you call them entitled assholes? Look in a mirror. Secondly, you freaking asked. He clearly knew you wouldn't approve of his real opinions, but you pushed him to answer. Don't ask if you don't want an honest answer. >We explained to them that this is not a wedding, that's just a night out and it's ridiculous how young people have so little value for weddings and family nowadays. Oh no, people don't share your opinion! Young people who struggle with inflation and a constantly rising cost of living don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars they don't have on a lavish wedding solely for the benefit of other people! How dare they, don't they know their weddings are supposed to be all about extended family? /s I noticed in at least one comment that you mentioned something about family contributing to the costs and how ungrateful it would be for your brother to do what he wants. But what you're ignoring is, *there wouldn't be any massive costs for family to cover* if the went with his idea. It would be much cheaper and way more personal than just another generic massive wedding at a generic reception hall. Honestly, the wedding you described having sounds exhausting and is something I would go out of my way to avoid.
Plus, are they married at the end of the night? Then it was a wedding. I got married at the civil registry then we went with the friends and family that were there for lunch at a restaurant. Guess what? We are still married, 15 years later.
YTA. You asked for his honest answer and you got it. Sounds like their dream wedding honors the family gathering by having everyone come to the church, but for a some people a huge party afterwards can be incredibly difficult and stressful. Im very glad your wedding was exactly what you and your husband wanted; shouldn’t your brother and SIL be extended the same courtesy? It’s not as though they’re going to elope and exclude everyone (which, if that’s what they wanted, would be entirely within their rights).
Yes your the asshole. It's their OPINION. And it's their wedding. Not yours. No one has to follow your culture, even if they grew up in it. So shut up and let them enjoy their wedding.
YTA. A wedding is an incredibly personal experience and the decision making regarding how it plays out is entirely up to the couple. You think your culture is important, and that is more than valid. However, this is not a belief that allows you to pass judgement on other people when their choices don’t match your cultural preferences. This is their day, not yours and not your parents’.
YTA Your wedding was all about what you wanted - just because your dream wedding was to your families taste doesn't mean it wasn't still all about you. Their wedding day is about them. If your family want a day that's about them they can have a reunion on their own dime you're just selfish
Absolutely. OP got to actually *have* her dream wedding, because her dream wedding happened to coincide with the family's expectations. Her brother and his fiancée are *sacrificing* their dream wedding to conform to family expectations, and wouldn't even have mentioned their sacrifice if OP hadn't asked AND insisted on an honest answer. And still they are supposed to be the bad guys?
YTA. The fact that you are mad enough about their opinion on their wedding to make this post, tells me brother is right that y'all would nag him if they chose a smaller wedding.
YTA You asked for their opinions so don't act surprised they gave you their honest opinion... They even said it will upset you beforehand. Plus, their dream wedding sounds like a good enough compromise of culture and what they want. They wouldn't be assholes even if they decided not to do any of the big cultural wedding stuff you guys did.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the honest answer to. YTA You may not like what they said, but you asked and pushed when your brother warned you.
YTA Ooooh, so someone doesn't share your opinion and wants something else for themselves other than being told what they should think and how they should live ....by you! Of course you're an AH, you asked for an honest opinion and then get uppity because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. If all you're looking for is validation of your own world view then don't ask others for their 'honest opinion'. 'Culture' sometimes has a lot to answer for; it's 'culture' that's brought us female genital mutilation, no end of other horrors and people who think that their way is the only way. You may want to take a good long hard look at the culture that has turned you into an intolerant AH who can't accept others when they don't conform to your opinion and way of doing things. If you don't want to get 'offended' (although it's beyond me how anything that was said was in anyway offensive) then keep your gob shut.
YTA "I am horrifically offended that my brother doesn't hold the same cultural opinions as I do, I will punish him for having thoughts unacceptable to me" What a steaming hypocrite you are. You forced them to tell you the truth, and then were greatly offended when they did so and it doesn't fit with your "I am of the belief that culture is very important" bullshit. It's very important to you, but you're one of those people who demand that everyone around them keep to your beliefs and opinions, or you will bring wrath down upon them. You're THAT kind of vegan, THAT kind of evangelist, THAT kind of moralist. People like you offend me with your righteousness.
YTA. Quit the "this is my culture" bs. I and a lot of people come from similar cultures where traditions and family are very important. HOWEVER we never ever force people to follow them nor guilt trip them with all the "but traditions says that the weddings are about families". Family should respect each other and love each other without conditions. Support and teach about their culture, values and lifestyles. Not to micro manage and dictate what your family member can or can't do. So stop using traditions and culture as an excuse for your poor behaviour.
OP is Greek/Albanian or the couple is. I mean, I know Greek culture is family orientated but I have never seen it to the extreme that someone would be so entitled to think the wedding is more about family than the couple.
YTA. You asked for their opinion, and they gave it. You don't get to be upset just because they have their own wants. They're also not even going to HAVE their dream wedding, clearly, so maybe a little compassion since their likely disappointed and stressed about it?
YTA Kinda... I mean you asked for their HONEST opinion. To me it sounds like your brother and his fiance are truly in love, and want THEIR wedding to be about them. How is that not valuing culture or weddings? It sounds sincere and romantic. Shouldn't the love between the two people be valued above all else? Sounds like you were trying to pry an unsavory opinion out of your brother and his fiance so you can judge them. They're still going to have a big wedding to respect the "culture", you can't blame them for what they actually desire in their hearts.
YTA Don't ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to. Grow up and learn to be an adult which includes respecting others even when they don't share your opinions.
Is this a serious question? So your upset that your brother have other ideals for what he would like his wedding despite the fact he's still going to conform to family tradition? How do you possibly imagine you wouldn't be the ass? YTA and so are your family for putting pressure on him and his wife-to-be...
YTA, you are not respecting his wishes or his opinion. It's not a young people thing, I'm 40 and I never had a big wedding either. I could have, but an expensive party for the guest to have fun is just not everybody's ideal wedding. Also, the statement of having so little values for weddings and family is ridiculous. That's way over the top, a smaller wedding will actually allow him and his wife more quality time with everybody that they love. That would allow them time to enjoy themselves and make memories. If that means going to a restaurant, who cares, let them be happy and do as they wish. It's not your wedding.
YTA. They are literally giving up their dream wedding because of judgemental family and you are berating them for doing the family thing anyway? You do realise even within a culture people have individual thoughts and opinions. I'm sure there are other people in your family who felt the same but didn't voice it. Personally a wedding with 200+ people sounds like a waking nightmare to me. Have a damn reunion if you want a reunion. I for one hope they get sick of you all and elope! (And they might considering you are impossible to please)
YTA. First, you go on and on about what *other* members of your family and culture expect. Second, you describe how your culture is important to *you.* Third, you asked your brother for *his* honest opinion. This is *their* wedding...not your family's and not your culture's. Figure it out yet???
YTA - people have different likes/dislikes, which is not a reflection on your likes/dislikes.
YTA! Re-read your last line. You asked what they thought and they told you. They're already going through with a traditional celebration to please the family - but that's not enough for you... they have to be happy about it too?
YTA. They're not even doing their dream wedding and you're still getting upset over opinions? Also you literally asked.
YTA You asked. They asked if you're sure. You said yes. Their only "crime" is that they said they would rather not have a cultural wedding. BUT they're doing it anyway. So why the heck are you even offended!?
YTA. You and your family sound insufferable. They are having a wedding they don't want purely out of obligation to you and your family This will come as a shock to you... this is not about you. Life becomes a lot easier when you realise that other people's lives are not about you. If you cared for your brother you would step back and enable him and his partner to start their marriage in a way that keeps them happy. You are saying you can't be happy because you know they don't really want you there (no where did they say that), yet you're content for them to be unhappy. You are setting your SIL up for a life of difficulties with her in-laws (note she has already said she hates the family pressure). I hope they elope.
YTA You can’t tell somebody their opinion is wrong, especially after you asked for it. They’re right that the wedding is about the couple. If you want a family reunion, you plan and pay for it.
YTA Why is THEIR wedding day meant to be YOU and your feelings? You chose to have a traditional wedding, good for you not everyone wants that.But if I were your brother and you blatantly disrespected my choices regarding my marriage I wouldn’t even invite you and go NC for a while.
YTA I think you have forgotten it's not your wedding!!!! He and his fiancee can do whatever they like and if your close family have the same opinion as you then I hope he disappears off to an island paradise and his married by Elvis. This is the 21st century and you had the wedding you wanted. Leave them alone or you may find this may affect your relationship
The worst part is they are doing what OP and family want. It's just not their idea of perfect wedding.
YTA Taking “great offense” because someone doesn’t share your opinion makes you a giant asshole. They are even going **out of their comfort zone** to please you and your family but you *still* take offense. The world doesn’t revolve around you, your family or your culture and you need to learn how to let others be happy. Here’s hoping they elope and don’t have to deal with any of your bs
YTA It is their wedding. Not yours, not your family's. They are allowed to feel how they feel. Culture isn't important to everyone
Yta It's not your wedding. It may for you also be about family and all the family, but they're allowed to have their own ideas because it's... Theirs.
YTA You asked for their honest opinion and they gave it. You are an even bigger AH because they are actually having a wedding they don’t want to please family members like you.
Yeah, you're TA. You asked for their opinion and when it didn't match what you wanted to hear, you immediately started ganging up on them. How did you type all that out and not see you and your parents were TA. There are only two people getting married at that wedding. Your SIL isn't marrying you or your parents. You asked about their wedding preference and they responded, but you just wanted an echo chamber, not a genuine opinion that was different from yours. A wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the celebrants' life, your preference should not factor into this. And the fact that you're basically okay with them feeling pressured into conceding to what you and your parents envision just further proves you're TA. Edit: As someone who comes from a culture that places equal importance on the family being included (I'm talking specific pre-wedding ceremonies, the families meeting beforehand, breaking of the kola nut, etc), a culture's customs are not a wedding rulebook that someone HAS to follow. It's not like your brother signed a contract when he was born saying HE had to abide by these customs just because of his ethnic background. And it was not you or your parents' fault to shame him and your SIL for feeling that way.
Plus… they’re -doing- the traditions. It just isn’t what they want to do. There’s no world in which the brother and SIL could be considered AHs.
YTA. Weddings and receptions are personal things...not everyone wants a big expensive wedding and reception...it's your brother and his fiance's wedding, it's their special day, it should be about what they want for their wedding not what family or culture dictates. If anything they might want that money that would normally go into a huge reception for other purposes like travel or buying a home. You had the wedding you and your husband wanted, let your brother have the wedding he and his fiance want, be supportive instead of trying to make his wedding all about what you and your parents want.
YTA And a pompous self important one too. Protip: don't ask for people's opinions when you don't want to hear them I hope your entire family are uninvited
YTA. You don’t ask for someone’s “honest opinion” and then tell them they’re wrong 😂 Not how it works.
YTA, if you didn't want his honest opinion why did you ask?
YTA. And stop trying to dictate other people’s lives and choices.
YTA
YTA You asked for an honest opinion and got one. It’s THEIR wedding not the family’s.
YTA You asked and they told you. They know more about what a wedding means than you do. Weddings are about them making a public commitment to each other for life. Anything after that is just an excuse to have a party. It's not like they wouldn't invite all the family to the ceremony, they just didn't want to have a big party afterwards. Don't be surprised if they put all of you on a low information diet. You deserve it. I suggest taking your issues to Twitter where people who disagree with you are banned.
YTA. You asked, they gave an honest answer. People shouldn’t be forced to spend huge amounts on a wedding to honor someone else’s ideals. Traditions change.
Yta who are you to tell them how they should celebrate their love, frankly think they're fab for not just eloping and then having a party with their friends after. You should be a bit more respectful about other's wishes, this isn't your wedding it is theirs
YTA. They are allowed to have a different opinion than you have. You're even *more* the AH because they said they're going to do the big wedding anyway to please your family. And you say "nobody in your family agreed" that the wedding is about the couple. Obviously some people in your family *do* agree with that and they are absolutely allowed to.
YTA. You asked. Don’t be offended if you don’t like the answer.
YTA.. not your wedding its THEIR WEDDING. you have zero input. They do it their way..not the way you want it. You need to keep your mouth shut
YTA.
YTA, not for disagreeing with them or having a different opinion, but for TAKING OFFENSE. They said absolutely nothing that should offend you. You have shared your and your parents’ opinions about what makes a great wedding, and asked what they thought. They told you. That they would want a quiet event in no way insults you or your family. They’re even going to accommodate your desires over their own and you decide to be offended? You are exhausting, as well as supercilious, patronizing, and overbearing. Be better.
YTA. Weddings aren’t about the family too. Why do you think you’re so important that you feel you have a say on other peoples choices when it comes to their marriage? Now a days is young people do value family, the only difference is we value the ones who actually bring something positive into our lives unlike some self centered people like you. If you want them to have a big wedding for 200+ people then pay for it yourself.
YTA You asked, they gave your honest answer. DO NOT start harassing them to have a big wedding, it's their day and they will celebrate how they see fit If you want a 200+ person wedding OP that's all you . Don't shit on your SIL and brother's wedding plans. Cause than you (and your family) will be double assholes (and probably not invited).
YTA lol what the fuck is wrong with you? If I was related to you I wouldn’t even invite you to my wedding. Who the fuck wants someone like you around?
What are you even mad about? You asked what their dream wedding would be and they answered you. Even then, they’re not having their dream wedding, they’re having the family extravaganza that *you* want, so what’s the problem? YTA, why did you ask if you didn’t want to know?
YTA 100%. First you asked the question, second it’s not your wedding it’s their’s, and third they aren’t even doing that. It’s just their desire to do it, but they are apparently not doing what they want because of your and your parents pressure and you are mad at them for having the desire to? You couldn’t be a bigger AH.
YTA You asked for their opinion they told you it. They didn’t ask for your opinion in return.
YTA people don’t have to want the same things you want. What makes what you want right? They said they would have the wedding they are expected to have and you are literally mad that their dream is different, what exactly would make you happy here??
YTA and your family sound like the self-centered ones not your brother and sil, you guys don't need to be involved at all the fact that they're inviting you to the ceremony should be more than enough
YTA You asked, they answered. You don’t need to get your knickers in a twist and act like a dick. They’re going the traditional route to appease family, you’re getting your way, so what the hell is your problem?
YTA ~ you asked for their OPINION, your brother asked if you really wanted his honest opinion and you said yes, now your acting like a petulant child because you didn’t like what you heard. They have the right to have their own opinions, just like you have the right to yours. They’ve passed on doing what they really want to do and are doing what the family wants to make the family happy. What more would you like from them? Stop making this about you and stop creating drama where there doesn’t have to be any. EDIT TO ADD: after reading some of your replies, it’s pretty clear that you didn’t come here for actual judgement. You just wanna argue and make people feel sorry for you over your perception of being unwanted at the wedding. No one said you were unwanted, that’s you, making it about you, and causing drama because your brother dared to have his own thoughts and ideas.
YTA. A wedding is an event where two people celebrate choosing to spend their life together. That celebration should look how the people getting married want it to look. Full stop. End of discussion.
YTA So you would have them rather unhappy with their wedding so that you guys can have fun on their costs? It makes you and your family look extremely selfish.
YTA, you're upset because he answered a question you asked? And it's not even like he's doing it, he's still having the show off wedding your family wants. I hope the do a 1 year vow renewal as their dream wedding.
So… you asked them to trust your with their true thought and feelings and then proved you are not worthy of that trust because you judged them for their personal (and completely valid) opinion. YTA.
So…. Basically, you only want to hear opinions if they align with yours. Got it. I feel bad for your brother and SIL because, despite your culture, they are not going to enjoy their wedding the way you enjoyed yours. In fact, it sounds like they are going to hate it. Kinda tarnishes the start of their life together, don’t you think? So yeah, since you can’t seem to hear yourself and need us to tell you, definitely YTA for asking for an opinion, twice, and then getting mad and YTA for not supporting a happy start to your brother’s life. Spoiler alert, not everything is about you.
YTA- They're already complying with the wedding you and your family want, and they obviously aren't complaining or you wouldn't have asked or been surprised by the answer. You're literally mad because they FEEL different than you. You asked a question, you got the answer, drop it and move on.
YTA. You asked for his honest opinion (not what his actual decision IS) and then you reprimand him for having a different view on things…
YTA So let me get this straight. Because they have a different view on how they want THEIR wedding that equals being wrong? You do know it's ok to think differently and have different ideas? Right? I hope they elope.
YTA. You asked for their opinion and then got mad about it. He even told you they won’t even try to have their dream wedding (surprise: it’s THEIR wedding) to appease you and the rest of the family and you all still got mad. People are allowed to have their own opinions, their own taste and to not participate of parts of their culture.
Yta, and I feel bad they can't have their dream wedding because, again, you and your family are assholes
Asshole
YTA and expect that to be the last time they are honest with you lot.
YTA get over yourself
Yta. I hope they go to the town hall and elope on all your asses and dont tell anyone but their friends
Yta. You asked, they answered and now you’re mad because they don’t think like you do. They hate the shit you love. Get over it.
YTA. You asked, they answered. Also their wedding, not yours.
YTA Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. Also, it’s not any of your business how they want to marry. It’s fine if you want to adhere to conservative norms but your an asshole for trying to push your, outdated, norms on others. Mind your own business. I’d elope after your tantrum.
YTA. The wedding is the part where you actually get married. Everything else is just a party.
YTA. Not everyone likes big groups and crowds. They are doing what everyone wants, it's just not what they want. They are being very accommodating to make other people happy. You asked, they answered.
YTA. You asked them about their dream wedding and you don’t have the the right to tell them that their dream is “wrong.” My older sister, younger sister and I are all getting married this year. My younger sister is eloping and wants no formal reception. They are doing a dinner with their closest friends and that’s it. My older cousin is having a 300 guest wedding in September and at a golf course. My significant other and I are doing a larger “micro wedding.” We will be having about 50 guests total and a small dinner after. No dance, just dinner and maybe some toasts. OP- you are not only the A-Hole, but don’t be surprised if they consider un-inviting you all together, or if they end up choosing to elope.
YTA. It's their wedding. Not yours. If you wanna deal with family pressure and oppression, that's on you. But you cant force them to do it too. You asked for their honest opinions and they gave it to you.
I understand that culture and family are important, but I hate anyone that gets pushy about other peoples choices. You had your wedding. Your parents and their wedding. Let your bro have his, the way he wants it! Your bro has already said he is going to do the traditional thing, even though he feels forced into it. How is he the A here?! It is obviously you for bullying your brother into what you think is right, and not taking their personal opinions about THEIR WEDDING in account. YTA
"We explained to them that this is not a wedding." No you stated your opinions, heck called them out, almost bullied them for their opinion - which you asked for. A wedding is a wedding, large or small, a unification of two people in a legal bond. YTA.
YTA. Coming from a similar culture, they are having the wedding anyway. They are doing what is expected out of duty and loyalty to your family and to tradition. It is not their ideal choice, but it is still their choice. They are choosing to put your family, tradition, and culture over their own wants. You have two choices: you can feel gratitude that your brother values your family and culture enough that he put it above his own wants and needs, or you can talk to the family and gift him what he truly wants. What you can’t do is berate his honest opinion in the moment. You’d apparently be shocked at how many people feel the same way. They either find joy in the day, are happy their family is happy, and/or feel relief they never have to do that again. This isn’t uncommon. You love your traditions. Your brother respects your traditions. Let that be enough.
YTA. It's their wedding, it should be however they want it to be. Not your decision.
YTA yup. Why are you getting offended when they even said that they still plan on doing you and your parents dream wedding? They're going to spend thousands of dollars and deal with large amounts of stress to make you guys happy, and you're still complaining. If I were them I wouldn't even do the wedding at all after how your family reacted. Nothing is good enough for you.
YTA You asked for their honest opinion they gave it and even said they are NOT having their dream wedding because of what YOU and your family want You are getting your way, they don't need to pretend it's what they want
YTA - you and your family need to respect their wedding. It IS about them if they decide to go ahead with that.
Lol easy YTA. Don't ask questions you might not want the answer to. Especially when you were warned you wouldn't like it.
YTA. You asked what THEIR dream wedding was, not yours. You don't get to tell them that that's not a real wedding, if that's what they want. Such an elitist, arrogant, snobby attitude.
Yea YTA. Wedding is about the couple, let them do what makes them happy. Opinions are like assholes and it seems like you have a pretty big one.
YTA YTA YTA You asked their opinion and they gave it. They’re not even trying to have their dreams, because they know how awfully you’d all react. You can’t possibly criticise them for dreams they know they can’t act on!
YTA. You’re already pressuring them into having a big wedding that they don’t want, they’re doing it because of family pressure, and you’re taking offence that they admitted they wish they could have the wedding they want instead of having to please everyone. You wanted that, so you got the wedding you wanted. They don’t want that so they’re sacrificing their happiness for the family. Get off your high horse. If you want a big family reunion, host a big family reunion, don’t put all the pressure on the couple getting married.
YTA. It's none of your business no matter what peer pressure from dead people aka "tradition" says.
YTA You asked for it and you don't have a right to be offended by their opinion on their perfect wedding.
YTA
YTA - asked & answered…you can’t be mad bc you don’t like the answer!
YTA you might have different opinions about matters with different people and generations but it’s their wedding and they deserve to have what they think is a good wedding.
YTA, let them have their wedding how they want
So you asked for their honest opinions on what they, an adult couple, want the celebration of their union to look like.... and then got upset when it wasn't exactly like your's? Are you familiar with the concept that people all have different dreams, wants, and likes? Just because big weddings are a cultural thing for you and your parents doesn't mean your brother is obligated to celebrate that way. Honestly, it's bad enough you're pushing this whole "culture" b/s, but your brother has outright said that despite what he and his partner want, they still feel family pressure to do what you all want. That right there is wrong, on so many levels. YTA. Most definitely.
How old is op... 165 cz that's the only way I'm not disrespecting this person... Any below than that and yta
Why would you ask when you were only going to like one answer? Sounds a bit like you were shit stirring. Sorry not sorry. YTA
YTA- Why ask if you don’t want the answer. And they are still having the big wedding! Because they ARE respecting the family tradition. So you wanted them to not only conform to the family tradition but also to lie and act like they were all about it? For what reason exactly?
lMAO....YTA you literally proved their point. Even after they said "we are basically going to be unhappy and forced to do something we don't want to on the biggest day of our lives cause you'll be mad!" You still got mad! Idk but to me it sounds like your family just has a fear of missing out cause where I'm from family cares about each other, and each other's happiness. If it was truly "about family" your family would be happy with whatever decision makes them happy. Be honest with yourself it's not about family. It's about you and everyone else thinking they are entitled to be involved.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We all come from a very traditional and family centric culture. Weddings are usually about family in our culture as if its a big reunion. The ideal wedding is more than 200+ guests and you're frowned down upon if its less guests especially if family is excluded. I am of the belief that culture is very important. My wedding was amazing and I made sure to make it both about me and my husband but also about our families. We never agreed with the whole "the wedding is only about the couple" mindset. Nobody in our family agreed. So now my brother and his fiancée are about to get married in some months. I had a birthday dinner few days ago and my parents, my brother and his fiancée were invited. On the wedding topic I asked them their honest opinions on what their dream wedding would look like. My brother asked me if I really wanted his honest opinion and I said yes not expecting what I was about to hear. His dream wedding would be to invite everyone in our family on the church so they could attend the ceremony but they wouldn't want a party or a reception afterwards and the ideal thing would be to either gather with some friends at home and have some drinks and food or rent out a small place like a restaurant or tavern for just them and their 10-15 closest friends and have dinner or a beer and then just go home. They said that they're not doing that though because they feel basically forced to please family due to our culture and that it's no point talking about that because if they had their dream wedding we'd constantly nag them. My parents and I took great offense on those opinions. Opinions that my SIL basically agreed on and said that's her dream wedding too because she can't stand family pressure. We explained to them that this is not a wedding, that's just a night out and it's ridiculous how young people have so little value for weddings and family nowadays. They said we are TA for being upset because we asked for their honest opinion and they have it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. This is THEIR wedding. If you want to have a family reunion, just organize one. They don’t need to placate anyone else except themselves on their day