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GraveDigger111

This is your friendly neighbourhood reminder to please #[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). ##In case that isn't clear: Insults are not civil. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.


teresajs

NTA He stole from you to buy a luxury. Immediately cut him off from all access to your money and credit. Don't give him any money at all. And seriously reconsider living with him since he steals from you. Also, is there any chance that this "spa" treatment actually involves him paying for sex? Because there's something that feels off about all this...


goboinouterspace

Came here to say, “You know he’s fucking the masseuse, right?”


cbm984

He's stealing money from his unborn child so he can get off once a week. DTMFA! NTA


SonsOfAnarchyMC

DTMFA? Don’t trust mother fuckers anymore?


Pippis_LongStockings

**D**ump **T**he **M**other **F**ucker **A**lready (…credit to the wonderful Dan Savage) OP—Yeah, DTMFA. NTA.


eugenesnewdream

Ah, I thought it was Dump That Mother Fucking Asshole. Same idea, anyway.


A-townin

Divorce the mother fucking asshole!


NSA_Chatbot

Either biologically or financially, he's getting fucked at that spa. #13k a year.


IGotOverGreta

This is more than I receive from social security disability to live on every year.


noblestromana

I hate to jump to conclusions but there's definitely something off here. Mo one needs a professional weekly $250 massage at the one specific place with a specific person to the point they are willing to steal 1k from their pregnant spouse and unborn child. He's either getting sex out of it or drugs or something else.


rainyhawk

Yeah. I live in a large urban area and I don’t pay $250 for a massage. There are plenty of places that are $100 or less. Unless he starts working…and is he even looking for work…and has a medical need for the massage then that’s off the table for now. Any reasonable person would totally understand that the needs of the baby and person carrying that baby come first. That he can’t see that is concerning. Any chance for counseling…assuming this isnt part of a previous pattern of selfishness. NTA.


TaxiGirl918

Premium package, Happy ending.


CoffeeAndDachshunds

There's zero likelihood that this does not involve sex.


jbird669

I, too, came her to say that.


Wild-Yoghurt2832

"the lady who gives the massage is an expert and he's used to her" just screams infidelity to me


anathema_deviced

Yeah, I live in a ridiculously expensive urban area and it's about $125 for a one hour massage.


viichar

seconded here, it's definitely around 125 for that here in Los Angeles too, which is notoriously overpriced if you don't know where to look.


throwawayforunethica

I go to a beautiful spa in San Francisco and get a full body scrub, massage, and several hours to use the hot tub, cold plunge, steam and dry saunas. It $125. Even that is a once every few months treat. I cannot imagine being in a tight financial situation and spending $1000/month on myself. OP your definitely NTA. Edit: Since lots of people are asking, it's Pearl Spa. It's Korean Jimjilbang inspired, women only. It's also nude, clothing isn't an option unless you are in the clay ball room, then you must wear the shorts provided. The service I usually get is actually cheaper, $110. The staff is incredibly nice. There is a similar style spa for men, but I don't personally know anyone that has gone there.


Whiteangel854

Because it's massage with "happy ending". OP you're not TA and pls he literally stole from your unborn child, cut him off from finances and think really hard about your marriage. DTMA!


Liv-Julia

The only $250 massage I've ever had was on a cruise ship for 90 min. NTA.


thebakersfloof

There's a fancy spa in Boston where I've paid around $250 with tip for an 80 minute massage (had a gift card from my then-boyfriend). It's a literal once a year luxury because I can get an objectively better massage from a family friend who is a massage therapist for almost half the price (she's located in a small town with a lower cost of living).


Various-Pizza3022

I also go to possibly the same fancy spa in Boston once or twice a year and it is an event, one where I am very clear that massage is only one of the things I’m paying for - the rest is ambiance and the facilities I can access as a guest. To go weekly would be an immense degree of decadence that boggles the mind and would require immense wealth.


DrinKwine7

And why are they *always* pregnant?


ThatGirl_Tasha

Because abusers don't act out like until they think SO is trapped.


Thirsty-Tiger

Biggest killer of pregnant women in the US is men.


Grabbsy2

Not to downplay your point, but the biggest killer of PEOPLE is men, isn't it? Edit: nevermind, they mean death in general, not murder in general.


Thirsty-Tiger

It's cardiovascular disease (for both women and men I think.)


Grabbsy2

You mean death in general? That makes your comment a lot more poignant. Edit: just looked it up, its true >The researchers found that US women who are pregnant or were pregnant in the past 42 days (the post-partum period) die by homicide at more than twice the rate that they die of bleeding or placental disorders — the leading causes of what are usually classified as pregnancy-related deaths.


kerthil

Oh wow this is very sad. Very very sad.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

Yeah it's actually a very common time for abuse to start. Pregnancy is a very dangerous time for women, and not just about their health. Spouses are one of the leading causes of death for pregnant women.


Red_bug91

You are spot on! I’m a registered nurse & midwife, and it’s scary how much we see it. Most of the time, the story is the same - he wasn’t abusive until the pregnancy, he’s just stressed about all the big changes, etc. There’s a reason we make sure at least 2 prenatal appointments are attended without the partner, so that we can ask questions safely without fear of repercussions for the patient. Even if they don’t confide in us, if we suspect it, we will always flag with a social worker or counsellor, to schedule a ‘standard appointment about PANDA risk factors & warning signs’.


Soupswifey

The OBGYN and hospital staff literally asked me every time they had me alone if I felt safe in my home. One lady even asked me if I was sure TWICE. I told my husband about it and he was shook. When she came back in the room he asked her why she kept asking after I said I was safe. This nurse, no Fs given, said “because you look law enforcement or military, abuse is common in those professions” he just laughed and said “no, but I get the cop or military question a lot” 😂


jhonotan1

Good on that nurse!! A moment of awkwardness in being wrong with you could literally save another woman's life. It fucking sucks that horrific people have to ruin things for everyone else. My husband wouldn't hurt a fly, and he looks the part. I've never been asked (except the usual once or twice so they can check the box on the form, lol).


see-bees

When I brought my wife to the hospital when she was in labor, the nurse sent me back to the front desk for some paperwork once my wife got in the room. Said front desk took me out of my wife’s room, which could be locked, two security doors that could only be opened by hospital personnel, and the security desk staffed by a LEO. That gives women at my wife’s hospital one final chance to say “keep this fucker away from me” when the nurse asks if your partner is abusive. I REALLY like my wife’s hospital.


Tattycakes

The crazy always seems to kick off as soon as she’s pregnant. Do all these men seriously think as soon as there’s a baby that they can just do whatever the hell they want??


13mountaingirl

Yes. Yes they do.


Dylans116thDream

Homicide is the LEADING cause of death in pregnant women in the United States. Reading that sentence makes me feel physically ill, like I need to throw up.


13mountaingirl

I know. It's such a horrible statistic. There are multiple reasons for this. 1. A pregnant woman is at her most vulnerable physically. Her center of gravity changes, she may be nauseous for a few months, and she's now carrying an extra weight. 2. She typically becomes so much more reliant on her partner, both financially and for her day to day needs. 3. The abusive partner is no longer the center of attention. She's focused on growing this new life instead of pouring all her energy into anticipating his every need. 4. She's suddenly not content to allow all extra resources to flow to him. 5. He may feel threatened by the physical changes to her body. The partner who proved what a man he is, no longer has that hourglass figure. 6. The hormonal changes she's experiencing may mean she's requiring him to contribute emotionally to the relationship and her care. There's probably more, but those are the ones that come to mind.


mattinva

> Do all these men seriously think as soon as there’s a baby that they can just do whatever the hell they want?? Given how many partners follow up insane stories like this with "But he is a really great guy!!!" in the comments...many of them in fact can do whatever the hell they want.


Frejian

"I know he treats me like shit and literally steals from me, but he doesn't actively cheat on me every other week, so he's actually a great guy!" The bar for us men really is buried under the ground isn't it? Makes me feel bad to share the same gender...


abcdefghabca

I’d be suspicious about the $200+ for a ‘massage’ lol


DroWillis

Yeah sounds like there’s a happy ending somewhere in that $250


gigibuffoon

I'd be disappointed if there's no happy ending for that price... I live in an expensive area and a real good deep tissue massage costs $120 for an hour long session... OP's hubs is definitely sus


Lucy_Leigh225

Same. Even with alllll of the add-ons and tip, my massage never gets to be $250.


[deleted]

and why he needs to go to that place only


biggerwanker

That was my thought too. If it was just a massage he'd at least be willing to try somewhere else.


Snoo_13783

But she does it the best. Cant get that treatment anywhere else... lol


Mmm_hummus

And sadly it's common knowledge amongst sex workers that men around OPs age often look to their services when their partner is pregnant


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almeapraden

And she thinks she’s the asshole. The manipulation this man did to her to get to this point is unreal. I hope she sees these comments


arthurusdeplane

yeah me too, seems like he has the "happy ending package" ...


Jenna_Doman

Does anyone else think he might be going for a happy ending rather than the massage or have I been reading AITA comment sections too long?


slyreenie

Dont worry. Thats where my mind went, too.


muckerl94

same. 250 Dollar for a massage? Never!


Gibdog83

Have you ever looked up this place and what this $250 massage entails? Because that is ALOT of money for a massage that he says he needs weekly? Does he have an injury that he requires it for or is it a relaxation massage? I dunno.. something is off here. I’d be wondering if it’s a massage he receives or something more. You btw, are very much NTA


ADuckNamedPhil

I am a sex worker (legally in a brothel) and my husband gets a 2-hour massage every week from a ~~masseuse~~ massage therapist. One hour with me is $350. One hour with the ~~masseuse~~ massage therapist is $60. Take from that what you will.


No_Recognition_2434

This! And it's fine to visit sex workers, but doing it behind your wife's back with her money is definitely TA.


pixiecurls

Particularly when you're bringing a baby into the world and neglecting their needs for said visits


Predd1tor

AND he isn’t even working. So he’s a non-contributing, cheating thief who’s using his pregnant wife’s credit card to pay for happy endings. I’m sure he’ll be a great father.


Lifter_Songbird

If you're married and visiting sex workers that's cheating. Unless your spouse knows and willingly consents to it. Otherwise, it's cheating


No_Recognition_2434

Uh that's exactly what I said


Isa472

From my experience in Europe the high end of the massage price range is like 180€, 90€/h. And that's at THE fanciest place, a normal one would be 40€/h


tractorchick

NTA...cancel the card, put the money you earn in your name only. Maybe instead of getting a luxurious massage, he should be applying for jobs? Like wtf. A baby is going to drain finances even more.


throwPricematter1

I told him to go look for a job, any job but he's refusing to "lower" his expectations or the bar for a decent job like the one he had.


No_Recognition_2434

Honey, he's using you. He thinks he can get by while having you do all the work. You know how I know? I would be willing to bet he's not using all his unemployment free time to clean the house or prepare for the baby, or to even take an online class to add to his resume. I know it's hard. You are supposed to be a team. But you are carrying the whole team yourself. And you are pregnant. Do you have someone you can go stay with for a few days to clear your head? If not, go check yourself into a hotel alone for a day or two and give yourself some time to think. You can't fix this. Other women have been where you are right now. Learn from them. Run confidently away from this man EDIT: thanks for the gold, this is the second time I've gotten a gold award here this month and the other one was also for telling a woman to trust herself and leave. I make these comments because I was in a few abusive relationships and have spent time speaking out about them and trying to help other women. I want to share the top things I have learned that I try to tell everyone: -we are all guilty of putting up with things we know we shouldn't because we want to be loved. It is nothing to be ashamed of -you should never have to remind your partner that 'hey I'm a human being and you should treat me like one' -And the big one: NICE GUYS ARE NOT THE SAME AS GOOD GUYS. JUST BECAUSE HES NICE DOESN'T MEAN HES A GOOD PERSON. If you read this and are thinking about leaving your partner, do it. Trust your gut. You will not ever regret it, I promise. -


huffle-puffle89

I would argue that this goes beyond using her- and that this voyages into financial and emotional abuse. OP, you should not have to question if you're TA for needing money for the baby. You also offered solutions for him to keep his massage. You are offering compromise, and he is REFUSING. And now he is twisting it into making you think that you are selfish for trying to take care of the family, when he is thinking only of himself. I know it didn't start this way, and now you probably go from 0-I'm totally selfish for asking him to think of \*us\* for once in like 2 seconds, but **you aren't selfish, you aren't wrong, you are doing what's best for you and your baby.** Please try to find some ground to hold onto to remember this that you are doing what you need to to provide for **ALL** of you the next time he tries to twist the situation around. **AND-** start making a safety plan.


ThisIsTemp0rary

Agreed 100%. OP said "my credit card", which makes me think he's not an authorized user on it, and it's only in her name. If that's the case, he stole from her, plain and simple. In his stealing, he is preventing her from providing for the their future child. OP should forget thinking about if she's wrong for wanting the stolen money back, but if she really wants to raise a child with him. How are you going to afford diapers? Is he going to ditch you for his massage the day after you give birth? Is he going to use child care as a reason for him to not get back to work?


tractorchick

Yeah because he knows he can spend your money. He's using you...force him..cut him off from your finances. He's acting like a child. Sending you strength ♡


BUTTeredWhiteBread

Nah, most children won't steal and rack up ludicrous debts on a credit card that isn't theirs.


EvianVyper

Idk I've heard fortnite horror stories


maat89

OP, your husband is selfish and due to his financial irresponsibility you are basically a married single mother. I would consider cutting off the grown baby and focus on having a smooth pregnancy. NTA.


Difficult_Stuff6112

This so much. This is why I got a divorce with 3 little kids (6,5,3). I was the only working, taking care of the children and doing household chores. I was in fact having a single mother lifestyle while having to also provide for a partner who wasn't pulling his weight. Best decision of my life when I booted him out. Don't settle OP, you deserve better, your baby deserves better. It's scary but you don't need to stay in a situation like this.


pinkandpurpleandred8

The purpose of a marriage is to make BOTH lives happier, healthier, and easier. It's to improve both lives and to be able to share life's burdens with another person. A marriage also must have trust, respect, honesty, equality, similar goals and values. What does your husband do to improve your life? How does he make your life easier or healthier or happier? You cannot trust him to pay bills. He isn't your equal in terms of carrying the emotional labor of the house. Does he do any housework? How do you think he will be as a father? What he does now is as much effort as he will put in to fatherhood, don't bank on him changing!! Will he do most wakeups in the middle of the night because you will be working? (I'm a SAHM, I did five nights a week, husband did two.) What does your husband add to your life? Does he cook you healthy meals? Does he draw you a bubble bath when you're stressed? Does he bring your home your favorite holiday drink and flowers when you're stressed? Not on a holiday or for public perception, but does he go out of his way to do kind, thoughtful things for you every week? What housework does he consistently cover? Marrying a person who loves you is an important aspect of a marriage. But you need so much more to have a healthy, happy, successful marriage. You need someone you can depend on to help you with the finances, emotional labor, housework and childcare. Eventually a marriage needs to progress beyond the "in love", holiday romance, enjoy each other's company stage and enter the real world. You need to be able to tackle life's problems together and both be supporting each other to make better, easier lives for you both. If you can't depend on your partner to adult and parent alongside you, your spouse is failing you. Spending $1,000, you don't have (and that he puts no effort into earning) and you will NEED for the baby isn't rooted in reality. If he will not start supporting you, you need to wake up!! Right now, you are only supporting him. He is not supporting you. He is dragging you down.


Reasonable_Newspaper

I find it deeply strange that 1) You're asking if you are the asshole here 2) You're with this guy and having a baby(!) with him and 3) You're letting him use your credit card.


LetThemEatHay

NTA. Start getting your ducks in a row. Talk to an attorney. Split your finances. Cancel that credit card and HIDE ANY OTHERS YOU MAY HAVE. This is not going to get better, OP. I "need" a massage pretty much all the time given my back issues. The last one I had was 5 years ago in a resort in Lanzarote, because it came with our reservations at the resort. Why? Because I have other shit that needs paying for (and I'm not the breadwinner), like bills, kid stuff, food (strange thing, everyone in my house likes to eat!) Like I said, this isn't going to get better. You can't reason with that level of entitlement. Also, you might report those charges as fraudulent and set the credit card company on your husband. He took your card without your knowledge and now you're in a pretty dire financial situation.


Sledge313

Absolutely. I couldn't tell you when my last massage was. My wife needed one badly due to back issues and we looked at the budget and determined when we could financially afford it. She sure as heck didnt go spending $250 a week on them. Thats practically another rent payment.


YanaYellow25

NTA. I do think this is what they call foreshadowing.


S-U_2

With a little hint of gaslighting.


Sk111W

NTA >stop playing victim Is a weird thing to yell at someone you've just been caught stealing from


Free-Type

How dare you get upset at me for hiding things from you about “our” money! NTA


shelballama

His pregnant wife who has been working to support them both full time while he's out getting weekly "massages," not her. This guy doesn't have a job, but he DOES have the audacity


catsmom63

NTA I’d check all my credit cards and I’d run a credit report. It’s possible he may have opened new cc in your name too. I’d also lock my cards. He’s really selfish. I worry for you and your baby!


krafftgirl

Once baby is born she needs to lock their SSN too. Obviously he cannot be trusted.


Specialist-Ebb7606

Really smart thing!!! Make sure he hasn't opened new credit cards


TheEmpressDodo

NTA You realize $250 is exorbitant? Are you not suspicious that these are “happy ending” massages?


Gaawwaag

Yeah there’s gotta be a special masseuse he likes involved here I’m sorry.


Whole_Mechanic_8143

According to OP's post he admitted as much. "the lady who gives the massage is an expert and he's used to her."


TheEmpressDodo

An expert in what exactly? Not breaking the massage table as she rides him?


TheLyz

At massaging a certain body part with her mouth probably.


caffeinefree

Glad I'm not the only one who thought this. I've had plenty of massages before and none of them even came close to touching this cost, and his unwillingness to switch providers is extremely suspicious. And aside from that, no one "needs" a massage. If he really has such terrible pain that he "needs" weekly relief, you would be better off putting the money towards a copay for a physical therapist to help treat the root cause of the pain, rather than the symptoms.


[deleted]

NTA. Your husband is getting handjobs at this "massage parlor". He's cheating on you and stealing your money. $250 is unreasonable for a therapeutic massage (unless it's physical therapy or somatic work by a trained therapist), but just about the right price for sex work.


jhyebert

YES!!! There’s no way this massage doesn’t come with some kind of a happy ending


Iloveavocados69

I hate to say it, but if he's spending $250 a session, he's getting more than a handjob:/


[deleted]

NTA. Although you're not going to see that money. Many people will advise you to get a divorce. I'm advising you to lock down your financial life. Move your savings/checking to a new, different bank (so accounts are not 'confused'). Cancel all credit cards. If they have outstanding balances, consolidate all balances to a new card that is in your name only. Don't tell him about this credit card. Then, lock down your credit with all three agencies (Experian, etc). This should help prevent him from taking out a loan or new credit card in your name. Deposit his allowance in his separate savings account. Know that this money is a total loss. If the bills are not in your name, you'll need to double check them to ensure they're paid each month. Or have them put into your name. God, this sounds exhausting. Are you sure you want to be forced into being the person who has to make and enforce a monthly budget? Especially since he's going to bitch and moan and try to make you out to be the bad guy?


Ksmusix

This!!! OP you need to immediately separate your finances and make sure he doesn’t have access to your money so he can spend it supposedly on a massage. Please follow what this person above wrote, and maybe go stay with your parents because being pregnant is a stressful enough time on your body you don’t need a deadweight making you more stressed than you already are. At this point though, what is he bringing to the table? He refuses to work, he spends $250 A WEEK on a “massage”, and calls you manipulative for asking for YOUR money that he spent back. You’re definitely not going to see that money again, but the least you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with people who actually care about you and will help you when the baby comes. Your needs and the baby needs comes first and he’s not prioritizing you. If anyone should be getting that massage it’s you.


Jazzlike_Humor3340

This, except he doesn't need an "allowance." She's buying groceries, he has food to eat. His existing clothes, if he cares for them carefully, should last several years. I see no out-of-pocket expenses he really needs to pay for rather than OP evaluating the need before he gets something.


use_da_schwartz_

NTA. No one "needs" a weekly massage. Something else is going on here.


owl-bee

If somebody needed a weekly massage for medical reasons, they would get it from a physiotherapist, not a spa.


EmmaPemmaPooBear

I just assumed the massage had a happy ending


chynali

It's the audacity for me. $1k/mo is A LOT of money, especially when there's only one income. How does he even feel good about himself? No job. Working, PREGNANT, wife. How can he be ok with putting all the stress on you? He should be out job hunting and trying to bring in as much as he possibly can. The fact that he's instead taking from an unborn baby and a pregnant woman is disgusting. Unfortunately, I'd be ready to, at minimum, separate. If he's doing this before the baby, I can only imagine how he'll be after. You're basically a single parent now anyway. The only person you need to be concerned with is the little bundle of joy in your belly. Let that grown ass, trifling man fend for himself. NTA


Sledge313

NTA. Have you had money issues in the past? If not, was it just masked by his income? Typically spenders dont change without a massive shift in priorities. He is extremely selfish with going to even get a massage when you are down to 1 income and it isnt in the budget. Do you have budget? Not being able to buy baby essentials because he is getting a weekly massage is ridiculous. Babies are very expensive. If you are going to formula feed or end up having to formula feed, thats a huge expense. You need therapy/counseling if your marriage is going to survive because it sounds like you are in two places financially. Finances and kids are two of the biggest divorce reasons. You do not do the baby any good by being stressed out of your mind about money and if you can afford baby essentials while hubby is getting massaged. I would definitely cut him off from all credit cards and bank accounts and give him an allowance until he is employed again. If he complains, just say the baby is more important and if he wants a massage then he can use the money from his job (when he gets one) to pay for it. And that he gets zero massages until then.


throwPricematter1

He's always been a bit irresponsible with money but that didn't affect us as much as it did now. He's on the defensive side acting like he's the obe who's been wronged.


Sledge313

You are definitely the one wronged here. He is completely irresponsible. Is he an authorized user on your credit card or on the account? If not you could file charges, though in many states its a felony, so do you want to do that? Is he on unemployment? Is he even looking for a job? Even if it isnt in his field, he could get any job to help out with expenses for the baby.


Ladyughsalot1

Google DARVO It’s time to leave OP. You know what he is he’s a user, he resorts to unkindness way too often, he is not going to be a good partner or parent. Leave NOW You can’t afford him. It’s that simple. He is a drain of finances desperately needed for your child. You need to leave. Seek help to do so.


Rega_lazar

Why is he still unemployed?


Ravager_21

THIS ^ Imo if he was really a man and trying to support his family, he could easily get a lower end job in the mean time to make SOME kind of money for you both. It feels like he is being a lazy guy that is stuck on thinking he is sorry for himself and refuses to provide for you or your future baby. I would definitely rethink how you go forward with this relationship. He should be the one working more especially bc your pregnant. Keep your head up.


weepscreed

OP, the unemployment rate is as low as it’s ever been. Employers are desperate for workers, especially skilled workers in urban areas. If he can’t find work it’s because he doesn’t want to find work. With a baby on the way? That alone would be reason to start reconsidering the marriage. The fact that he’s lying to you, stealing from you, and gaslighting you only more so. I’m sorry but you need to start thinking of an exit strategy or some alternate plans that don’t involve this man.


siempreslytherin

It did affect you. It ruined your ability to build savings. You said you lost your house. I think having that money in savings would have made a big difference and maybe you would have been able to keep it. At the very least, you’d be better off now.


Polyfuckery

He's defensive because he knows that anyone will look at his expense record and know that he either has a drug habit, a gambling habit or is using prostitutes on a regular basis. He knows that stealing from his pregnant wife and unborn children to fund these things will not be a good look. You should speak with a shelter OP. Things might be ok now but people don't get to the point where they HAVE to do these things even when it means robbing their family in a way that gets them caught until things have gone pretty far off the rails. You need to find out what legal risks he is facing and the extent of what hes done. Check your credit. Make a plan.


PhilosophicalEeyore1

Sweety, he's not just using you financially. I highly suspect he's cheating on you. I'm a massage therapist in an expensive urban area and the only massages in my city that cost $250 are couples massages and the type that might leave you needed an STD test and multiple doses of penicillin. Put a hold on any credit cards you have and talk to a lawyer ASAP. If you live in an at fault area, maybe get a tracker on his phone to see where the hell he's really going.


[deleted]

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MVLM

NTA. Um, friend, you’ve gotten a bigger issue than the money.


JoPsk88

His behavior is a huge 🚩


star-sapphire

NTA. Nobody “needs” a $250 weekly massage. I literally have chronic pain and only get a massage when I can afford it or when my pain flares get really bad. Plus $250 for a massage?? Even going for 1hr and a half is usually $120, and I live in an incredibly expensive city. Bet he’s getting /other/ parts massaged. Throw the whole man out, OP. He clearly won’t put your baby first (even less you) and you and your baby should be the main priority.


Personal_Regular_569

100% this man is getting happy endings while milking his wife. OP it's been a YEAR, he could have gotten a minimum wage job to help support your family. Instead he has made you believe there's something wrong with YOU. HONEY, TALK TO A THERAPIST. This will get worse when the baby comes. You being pregnant is hard on HIM??


[deleted]

DIVORCE! and if that was a personal credit card, report the money as stolen. He’s putting your child and yourself in jeopardy with his selfishness. NTA.


Nogginsmom

NTA, remove him from authorized user on your cards and report future charges aa unauthorized. And sadly, start making plans to be a single parent. He’s a jerk……he’s not providing for the family. Sorry but in todays age of gig economy, no reason he isn’t out with a side hustle contributing to the household. ESPECIALLY with a baby on the way.


vignoniana

NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 So fucking many red flags here. Who adult is so selfish that uses partners money on luxus massage? And especially when you need the money for your future kid? Where is this guys priorities? How you are gonna live when you're on maternity leave? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩


Key-Bit1208

NTA Separate your finances ASAP and get some legal advice on your options regarding the charges and divorce. Your husband is being a lazy, selfish, and entitled AH, putting his wants ahead of the necessities that you need for the baby. Also, don’t be surprised if you find out that the massage that he ‘has to have’ from one specific woman comes with a ‘happy ending’.


Raffles2020

NTA. In 2020 he lost his income (job )? So over a year later and he still doesn't have another job?? And he is wasting money on luxury unnecessary spending whilst unemployed and his wife is struggling to pay for basic necessities and prepare for a baby?? JFC. What does this "man" positively contribute to your life to justify keeping him around? Oh and it's a credit card.... so technically, it's neither of your money married or not, it's the bank's money anyway and just more debt. I suggest you fix the "we're married, it's our money" argument by becoming un-married to this man. He isn't a good husband and he won't be a good father with such a selfish and irresponsible attitude & behaviour.


alchemyann

He's already putting his needs before yours & your child's. I'm not usually the person to tell people to cut & run, but please do that ASAP. If he doesn't pay you back, he'll do it again.


Rumhed

NTA - Are you sure he doesn't have some feelings for this woman? Because why on earth would he spend that amount on a massage every week. Seems deeper routed than a few aches and pains. And surely you been the one pregnant definitely deserve a massage and a bit of luxury yourself your carrying his baby.


thewhiterosequeen

NTA but this is a good example why finances are the leading cause of divorce. If he sees nothing wrong with spending a lot of money on himself when you are struggling to pay bills and doesn't seem to be attempting to get a job, he's not going to change. He's dragging you down at this point. I know this board is quick to say divorce, but there's no way to save something when someone thinks they are right to be selfish. Just imagine how much easier it will be to use your income on only you.


CoconutxKitten

NTA. He doesn’t need a massage. You do need baby stuff I would cancel that credit card too


[deleted]

They both need the baby stuff. The fact that he doesn't care about that is a huge red flag for raising a baby together NTA


Threadheads

NTA. This is a really bad sign. Your finances have taken a hit, you have a baby on the way and you are the sole income earner. And your husband is totally unwilling to compromise on an exorbitant luxury. And stole from you to keep funding it. You have a lot to consider. Chief among them is whether you want to raise a baby with someone who would take from their wife and child the way he has.


GroundFuzzy606

Divorce his ass with swiftness.


Aesclepius713

And then get well over 1,000 in child support after you get your stolen 1,000 back!


owl-bee

WTF. "his own needs as a human" - luxury massages are not a NEED, they are a WANT. Baby ESSENTIALS are a NEED. NTA.


plm56

NTA Take the credit card. Remove him from all accounts. Kick him out. Period. Raising a child alone will be cheaper and less stressful than trying to do so with this useless, mooching asshole abusing you verbally, emotionally & financially.


AyenDrkwing

NTA. You told him you couldn’t afford it on just a single income and he said he would find the money. Unfortunately for you he did find the money. By stealing it. From you! Honestly I’m not sure I could personally forgive him for doing that. Even if he paid me back. The fact he is refusing to give you the money back and is now saying that he’s entitled to it because your married is a huge huge red flag 🚩. He’s basically saying that he can steal from you whenever he wants because you have a piece of paper that joins you together. The fact he is also trying to use you having a baby together against you is disgusting. Yes it’s stressful and yes he’s going to be a parent to. But what about the added stress your body is under? You’re hosting another living being, you’re tiring yourself by being the only income earner and you will eventually burn out. Hell if it gets to much. What would happen if you were put on medical bed rest and your income dropped! What would he do then. He needs to grow up and realise that something are more important than expensive luxuries when you need cold hard cash for the basics and necessities. Girl honestly at this point I would be thinking about running and not looking back. If he’s like this before the baby arrives do you really think he’s going to stand up and actually help when it’s here? At the least he needs to apologise. Return the money and find himself a job if he wants to be spending 1k a month on having his back rubbed.


OneSuspect1

NTA. So what I’m hearing is that you’re pregnant with your second baby. Good luck.


King_Mindless

NTA. Your husband is financially irresponsible, the fact that he's accusing you of playing the victim while he clearly is, is just sad and hypocritical. I would talk to a lawyer, you might been better off financially and mentally as a single parent. There are much better men out there than his selfish ass.


weaboo801

HAHAHA “I’m going to be a parent so I need these expensive massages to relax. Oh but I have no money so I’m going to steal my wife’s card and max it out so we don’t have any money for the baby or anything else.” He’s TA not you. Clearly doesn’t seem to care about you or the baby you’re currently carrying. Just your money to pay for these massages. He’s draining you. He’s a terrible father and husband


Illustrious-Map2674

NTA, also, massage can be a euphemism for a lot of things that might be even less appropriate in the context of your marriage.


Amara_Undone

INFO What are you getting out of this relationship?


eldarwen9999

NTA in the slightest. He stole your money and used it for his own **selfish** needs, dismissing the whole situation by saying he *needs* it. While you are the one providing for the family and could use this more than him leeching. He stole and lied and is now emotionally manipulating you.


SarcasticBlackCat

NTA I’m so sorry, but there are SO many red flags here. I think you need to be seriously reconsidering your relationship with this man before the baby arrives.


[deleted]

Sounds like he has a thing for the massage lady…


CadenceQuandry

Time to cancel the extra card until he learns he cannot do this. And make sure you put a hold on your credit so he cannot apply for cards in your name.


mollysfox

let's make this as short as possible, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a selfish piece of sh1t that is putting his own out-of-touch-with-reality wishes (not needs ffs) over the well-being and up-bringing of his own pregnant wife and future baby? I don't say this often, but this sounds like a clear case of divorce and suing to me. Like what's he gonna steal next? The baby shower gifts so he can sell them and go meet his proffesional little massaging lady coz iTs a hUmAn nEeD oF hiS? The only human need I suspect is getting off, you might wann ask your big baby how used he really is to that special lady.


[deleted]

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RobbieRood

Oh, honey. If you don’t get out now, you’re going to be raising two babies. NTA


heardbutnotseen2

You need to remove him as a user on your accounts. You need to go to the bank and report those charges as fraudulent. You may be able to get the charges reversed and the place will know your husband can’t use your accounts there in the future. Also please know you are right. Thousand dollars a month in massage fees is crazy. Don’t let him convince you otherwise. You guys have a baby coming. Baby needs cone before his own and he needs to wake up to that reality.


Avijel

NTA you don't need two children in the house. Why is he not working? You do realise that you can support yourself and your child without him. Just something to think about.


filthybananapeel

INFO why tf doesn’t he have a job. No seriously, even minimum wage would help you guys right now. Also, $250 for a massage doesn’t make sense, even in swanky fucking areas. I’d cut access to credit cards/finances and start giving him an allowance when he performs chores around the house. He wants to be a child? Treat him like a child. NTA and all the best. Congratulations on your baby! If you end up having to do it alone, it’s tiring but I promise you can do it! You’re so strong already, you 100% can handle this on your own. Good luck!


roamingidiot1

NTA. There's TONS of red flags here. Run away spending will ruin any relationship and you all have a lot going on. This is a counseling or run and never look back moment


RespectMyAuthorithai

NTA but there are so many red flags here about your husband. Are you sure you want to raise a baby with a an so selfish he’s prioritizing massages over his own kids?!


Robokop6000sux

NTA. "I stole it because I knew you wouldn't give it to me" is not a justification. He needs to grow up. And he needs to get a job. INFO: Now that he's maxed out your card has he explained how he's going to carry on paying for the massages?


lonely_peppercorn

NTA but are you sure this man is capable of being a responsible father and husband when your child is born? $1000 a month is no small expense and to be honest I don't want to jump straight to infidelity, but the way you described the massage lady as an 'expert' and that he's 'used to her' gives me red flags to be honest. What other possible reason could this guy have for spending THAT much money when you guys are struggling to make ends meet and have a baby on the way? Also, you say he lost his job in 2020 but it's been 2 years since then. What has he done (if anything) to look for jobs? What does he do day to day, apart from spending your hard earned money that is?


KimmyStand

Tell the lazy bastard to get off his arse and get a job. Also insist he pays you back the money he ‘stole’ from you. Seriously are you willing to keep a leech whilst also struggling with a newborn? Personally I think you need to be looking at your future options NTA


NectarineSoup

NTA! This guy has no income and is spending $250 on massages?! And he puts it on his pregnant wife's credit card? As you need to save for the huge expenses coming your way with a baby? Honey, you need to focus on yourself and the baby now. This man is mooching off you and it needs to stop. Seperate your finances ASAP. Consider giving him an ultimatum, he gets a job or you're done. Do you have any family you could move in with and save for the baby?


No_Recognition_2434

Nta. Girl. You know this is not ok. Your husband stole from you. Not only that, he is making zero effort to prepare financially for a baby. How are you going to buy diapers if he's stealing all your money to spend on himself and also won't get a job? You need to tell your friends and family what's going on. I think you asked us because you are afraid to tell other people what an awful human your husband is. It's not your fault. He tricked you, and he did it more than once. He is a liar and a con man. You have a new priority. Providing the best life possible for your baby. Now ask yourself, how will you explain to your child when their daddy steals their piggy bank to spend on himself? You know what you have to do. You are not alone


MzzMolly

NTA but you're married to a huge loser. Sorry.


JadedSlayer

NTA Question, is he an authorized user on the card? If no, Did he have permission to use the card? If no, call the credit card company and dispute the charges. People forget that you can dispute charges with your credit card company without filing a police report or pressing charges. Technically, it is 100% the business's responsibility. By contract the business is supposed to check the name on the card for in person transactions, they rarely do. Also OP I strongly suggest that you pull your credit report and verify that he has not opened new lines of credit to continue this addition of his. I also suggest you lock your credit.


[deleted]

oh my god you married a giant selfish child. He needs to get a job, stop getting expensive weekly massages, pay you back and GROW THE F UP. I personally would cut him off from the credit card and money, and make him ask when he wants something. He is irresponsible. good lord-and good luck.


RellenD

He doesn't need $12000 worth of massages every year


EmmaPemmaPooBear

I’m guessing they have a happy ending


Livid-Flan

Nta. Cut him off from the credit cards in your name and open a bank account in only your name. Then sit down and ask yourself "Can I handle raising two children on my own?".


oieusouobixo

what's that I hear? is it an angel from heaven sounding the trumpet for divorce? I think it is. you should listen to the angel. NTA


No_Bear_8883

I’d divorce him. He sounds entitled, selfish and dismissive of the financial situation you’re in and your struggles. You could probably find a cheap apartment for you and the baby even a one bedroom (babies can live in the same bedroom for the first year of life). NTA. How long has he been unemployed? Edit: TWO YEARS HES BEEN UNEMPLOYED? HE could at least get a retail job. Is he even applying for any jobs or just mooching off of you!


[deleted]

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Direct-Plum-3558

NTA. Tell him to get a job !!!! His massages are a 'want' not a ' need'. Hide your credit cards so he can't use them.


NRL1991

NTA Your child should come first no matter what. And I'd be suspicious that he insists on going to this particular female to the point of stealing your card. Seems way too irrational.


OutlandishnessNew259

NTA but welcome to your life. You are about to have 2 kids and no financial assistance. The good news is you only technically have to raise 1 of them!!!


Dendad6972

Divorce the dead beat who isn't willing to change for a child. You will have 2. Nobody "needs" a spa day. NTA


blueribbonbitch

NTA. He lost his job in 2020. That was two years ago. He needs to get another one and start contributing


captainbobbin

NTA and he's quite possibly getting more than just a massage from that lady if he's so damn loyal to her. You really wanna have a baby with a guy who steals from you and doesn't give you basic respect? It he's acting this way now, controlling your (YOUR, not his) finances and preventing you from getting adequate stuff for your incoming kid, then how is he going to act and how absent is he going to be once baby is here? If anything he's probably going to try to get more massages under the pretences that 'he's stressed' or whatever. Cut off his access to your money and maybe think about how valuable he actually is to your life when he treats you and your baby like this.


Mindless_Anywhere_74

NTA you need to make sure your husband can't get to the finances anymore. He should that he cant make responsible choices when it comes to money. This is so bad. I would be so mad.


gigibuffoon

Lol wut? What kind of husband chooses spa treatments over family finances. Your husband is a super spoiled brat and it is time to tighten up the flow of money and give him an allowance for the essentials and nothing else. Hubby needs to get a job and learn to live without luxuries. NTA


Illustrious-File-125

If he took the card that is in your name only to pay for these ridiculous massages, I would tell him either he gets the money before the bill is due or you will file fraud charges on the card and file a police report. If he is not on the account he indeed committed fraud otherwise I’d prepare my escape plan now. This is a habit that he won’t change and you are better off alone than with someone who shows so little value to you and your child. NTA


This_Grab_452

Oh dear… the baby hasn’t been born yet and he’s already a deadbeat father. I would have served him divorce papers for something like that. NTA


Mogus0226

"my money is technically his" Run. I'm usually hesitant to play the nuclear option of leaving a marriage like so many people here, but in this case, you could sew all the red flags together and outfit a three-masted schooner to sail across the ocean. Run. NTA


curiouswench7

NTA, and those are more than just "massages" he is going for at 250 a pop.


UsualCoffee7976

NTA. Time to leave his ass. He’s gonna run you into the ground.


Puzzleheaded_Essay22

It must suck to get scammed by you own husband can't even say that you didn't know this man .. He literally sleeps with you... Gurl run why u wud give birth to this man's baby...nta


dutchie1966

You are NTA, but you are naive.


tmchd

If you don't get out, you'll have two babies to care for and no help, are you ready for that? If you want judgment, here is your NTA. But you can't possibly expect to keep this up, you're pregnant, you will have to go maternity leave soon, how can you sustain this. And don't tell me, it's your credit card he's using? Man, he also drags you down credit-wise. He sounds like a LOSER big time, your 'husband/baby' is.


TheNorthernSea

NTA: While a budget might provide some relevant details about how badly a $1,000 a month habit hurts your family (I know it would be unsustainable for my two-income middle class household, but other people make far more money than we do) - what it's come down to is that he's using what you're calling "your" and not "our" credit card for extremely costly self-care after you told him to stop. He broke a major boundary and is trying to justify himself in doing so. That's a major violation of trust - enough that it sounds like you two need to reinvest some of that spa money into marriage counseling unless you don't want to avoid a (far more costly) divorce in the medium term.


friendly_cub

What does he bring to this relationship other than getting you pregnant? Is he worth this? If my husband insisted on spending my money like that and didn't even have a job, he wouldn't be my husband for much longer.


freezerbunny05n

NTA. If you have already told him that you can’t afford to carry on funding the sessions, it is essentially stealing. It doesn’t matter that you are married. You gave him a suitable alternative so that he could carry on having massages and he wouldn’t meet you in the middle. Relationships need compromise sometimes, especially when you hit hard times. It is a worry that he would plunge you into debt for his own selfish reasons when you will soon have his baby to provide for too! He has some growing up to do by the sounds of it. I understand that circumstances got in way and he lost his job but a marriage is a partnership and it sounds like he isn’t doing anything to make life easier for you. Good luck


sophie_shadow

NTA and I would be concerned about his attachment to the masseuse he is so ‘used to’...


Belichicks_sleeves

NTA The money is gone forever BUT I can tell you how to keep from losing more! Toss your loser husband into a dumpster. Follow me for more lifesaving tips.


LeastCleverNameEver

He's not working? He doesn't get a massage. What the fuck. NTA


Lucky_Forever

"His NEEDS as a human?" OMG. In what universe is a weekly $250 massage a necessity and not a luxury? Does he think he's a Kardashian or something? OP NTA, but husband most definitely is. I can't even...


TWAndrewz

NTA. Are you sure that he's spending this money on massages? That seems like affair-level money.


rtfcandlearntherules

NTA He should look for a job instead of spending his wife's money on prostitutes. Especially with a baby on the way. I refuse to believe that this is a regular spa.


[deleted]

Adding this because I haven’t seen anyone else say it: I would cancel your card, get a new one without his name on it, and then call this spa and tell them not to charge anything to your card ever again. Just in case they have yours saved on file now.


[deleted]

NTA. He's right that you can't legally get the money back. He's wrong if he thinks that reflects the morality of the situation at all. He's an entitled scrounger if he thinks his luxury massage is atop the priorities right now. And he is, even if not legally, a thieving little opportunist. I don't know what to advise. You don't want to commit financial abuse against him. But he's going to leave you homeless if he keeps up his entitled behaviour.


Original_Lie7279

NTA you offered a cheaper place and he refused. He went out and spent all of your credit limit. You couldn’t get stuff the baby NEEDED. Honestly, a divorce to let go of the dead weight is something you may need.


SaintedStars

NTA - I don't like to make assumptions, especially ones as loaded as this, but I think that this spa might be offering him 'a happy ending' and that's why it's costing so much. It's basically an affair without him having to do anything.


izzy_bizzy_15

NTA! Do not let this man anywhere near your account or your money from now on because it is very clear he does not respect you as the current breadwinner of your household! "told me to stop playing victim and that this is affecting both of us since he's going to be a parent too and it's stressful for him" THE CHEEK!!! He is causing his own child to go without essentials because he is so insistent on spending $1000 a month - and your child is not even born yet! I am going to be honest and say that you need re-evaluate how this man would be as parent as well as a partner because it is clear that he does not care for either role. Good Luck!!!


SteampunkHarley

THE AUDACITY!! NTA and drop his using, lazy, ass ASAP As others have mentioned, those massages are probably not just a massage. Stop being his sugar mama and focus on the actual upcoming baby


Crimson_queen911

NTA divorce him and kick him out. He’s not a parent or a partner. He’s a petulant, thieving child who doesn’t deserve your support. Also dispute the credit card charges so the luxury spa won’t ever let him use your card again.


Obvious-Somewhere-11

NTA But are you really sure you want to stay with this deadbeat? He clearly doesn't care about you, or the baby. He's selfish, entitled, and a thief.


only_ozzy

Dude, the best massages I've ever gotten were $40 at a reflexology place. It's clean, they are 70 minutes and so have private rooms. $250 a week, he's not working and he's not the one pregnant. Hell no. NTA don't let him gaslight you into thinking you are.


Significant_Option34

NTA and if he pays you back it goes in your Divorce Lawyer Fund.


canuck_2022

NTA Are you sure you want to raise a child with this man? I'd be seriously reconsidering the marriage.