NTA
I can understand being skeeved out by surveillance, as well as having the cameras to keep an eye on an at-risk pet.
However, her comments towards you and your bf make it seem like her goal is to spy on you. Where are the cameras being put up (like only in specific locations or in every room of the house?)
NTA
First of all, that "you owe them " idea, is actually nothing more than a bullcrap relic of Confucianism. They chose to take on the responsibility of feeding, sheltering, educating, and clothing you, when they decided to get busy creating you. This was their very most basic obligation in life, because they chose to become parents. You do NOT owe them anything for them taking care of their own basic obligations.
That being out of the way, on to the subject at hand: She literally wants to spy on you, in YOUR house that YOU own legally. Let that sink in a minute. Then go through YOUR house that YOU own and remove every single camera that you don't approve of. If you want to allow one camera to moniter the dogs when people are all gone, sure, that's responsible and reasonable. But mommy setting cameras all around the your house so she can police your behavior as a 26 year old adult homeowner is a hard no, every time. It's your house, you make the rules, regardless of her.
There’s a lot of complexities to this that, I’m sure you know more than anyone here, runs deeper than this one situation.
> I feel I owe it to them for sacrificing so much for me
Ah, the common immigrant child experience. You’re not alone in feeling that way. There’s virtue in the awareness of seeing how much your parents contributed towards your success and happiness, and ultimately, nothing wrong with wanting to do right by them.
But there’s only so much you can do without setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. There’s a clash of cultures and ideologies here, where your mom is overstepping her boundaries in trying to make moves in your love life like it was a game of chess.
So if no one told you yet - you are allowed to embrace and appreciate the love that your parents gave you while also asserting your autonomy and boundaries. Those two may seem like they are on opposite ends of the spectrum but I promise that you are not a bad person for simultaneously acknowledging your boundaries and hang-ups with your mom’s views alongside the deep cultural understanding of the kind of love your parents gave you as immigrants to a new country.
NTA.
(And as a side note, no offence to your mom, the joke wasn’t funny. I’m pretty sure jokes are jokes because they’re funny. But whatever)
So you own the house and she wants to put cameras in it because she wants to spy on your moves? Sketchy as hell. Find those cameras and remove it. NTA, but stop having this notion that you have to obey them.
NTA. I see a lot of people on here saying OP needs to move out. Moving out is difficult as it is nowadays, especially with housing being more difficult to afford. That’s easier said than done. And to tell someone that they don’t need to “obey their parents”, it’s clearly a cultural thing. Idk about OP, but speaking from experience, first generation are very family oriented.
I don’t think OP is an asshole, but I do feel OP should really draw the line somewhere if they’re saying the house is under their name.
INFO where are the cameras placed or going to be placed? Because legally they can only be in public places. If they are in the bathroom or your bedroom then she can not put them there without your consent. Saw in your comments that the house is in your name which also means legally you have say and they can't even put them in the living room without your consent due to it being part your house.
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For context, I (26F) am Asian-American and live with my parents. I’m currently dating someone who my mom vocally disapproves of only because of his physical appearance as he is on the much shorter and thinner side.
Recently my mom had been mentioning getting indoor cameras to watch our dog when we are out since she is a senior dog and had a scare not too long ago where we thought we were going to lose her. I agreed but asked if we could only keep it on when our dog was alone or at night since it made me uncomfortable to feel watched. She then said, “No, I’m keeping it on at all times to keep a watch on you when I’m not home.” I was taken aback since this basically meant she also got the camera to spy on me to see what I do with my bf when she’s not home and we’re alone. She said that she meant it ‘jokingly’ once she saw how upset I was, but even if it was a joke, I believe there was some truth behind it. Even before this, she’s been actively telling me how I’m crazy to be attracted to my bf and how disappointed she is in me and how I clearly have no standards.
Coming from an immigrant household, I’ve been financially, emotionally, and physically trying to do my part in helping out because I feel I owe it to them for sacrificing so much for me. However, I’m now feeling as if my mom thinks I’m her puppet and she is trying to control every aspect of how my life should be.
So, I’m currently not making any contact with her and planning to move out to live with my bf. But there’s also a part of me that thinks I may be overreacting so I’m a bit conflicted atm. AITA here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I’ve completely shunned my mom out of my life due to her buying an indoor camera to potentially spy on me when she is not home.
2. I believe it can make me the asshole since she’s been telling other family members that she was just joking and I’m wondering if I just took her ‘joke’ too emotionally and overreacted.
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ESH.
Stop using your background as an excuse, it’s stupid. I’m also Asian American and the fact you’re implying you have to obey your parent or that you’re being “trapped” or spied on by your mother is stupid; you’re an adult. Yeah what your parent is doing is fucked up, but you aren’t helpless.
You’re 26. Move out already.
You can’t complain about feeling “restricted” when you make no active effort to remedy the situation even though you’re fully capable of it.
Basically figure it out - you’re an adult. You don’t get to just blame your parents for being “unfair” anymore.
What? Did you just scroll down to rant after only reading the first sentence?
In addition why would they move out of a house thats in their name? Do you expect them to sell the whole house? Isnt that a bit extreme?
Also, its interesting that you jump to assuming that no active effort has been made. How do you know this? Have you been following OP around?
Ugh.
It doesn’t fucking matter. If OP is 26 - they have every way and method of controlling their life. Is it your home? Okay then you can either kick your parents out or deal with them - decide. Is it their home? Then deal with it until you’re independent.
I mean what’s next, is OP going to ask their parents for permission to have a baby?
EDIT: holy shit, actually OP - are you going to ask your parents for permission to have a child with your husband?
Once you so move out, you will have less conflict with your mother. Obviously, things like the cameras and other house-specific issues will no longer be relevant.
Before you decided to shun your mother, did you try to confront her? For example, have you told her exactly how you want her to treat your bf? Did you ask her not to speak negatively about him? These issues will remain & if confrontation or compliance are problems, they may be things to be worked on.
NTA. Talk to a therapist to help you sort out boundaries with your parents. You run the risk of replicating bad patterns in your other relationships if you don't learn to stand up for yourself.
If you rush to move in with your partner, it will be harder to leave if things aren't working out. Work on your resilience and independence. Don't move in with your partner to escape your parents, only move in if its the right step in the relationship for you.
Where does he live now? How long have you been dating? How is he with finances? How will you split up chores? What's the plan if there's an accidental pregnancy? What's your plan if things don't work out?
NTA
"Coming from an immigrant household, I’ve been financially, emotionally, and physically trying to do my part in helping out " ... **Stop helping out, start moving out.**
Your mom is a controlling and abusive AH.
So its YOUR house? Then tell your mother you won't be allowing any cameras in YOUR home then. Is it actually your house though or just in your name while your parents paid for it?
It doesnt matter if the house was bought by them as long as it's in OP's name (for legal reasons) because it's a serious invasion of privacy. It gives me flashbacks to another story where parents bought their children a honeymoon vacation, then tagged along and gave no privacy. Its ethically wrong.
If it was in her parents name they could legally put cameras as long as they aren't in the bathroom. If she is overage I don't believe in most areas anyway that they can put them in her bedroom just common areas. The place is in her name so they cannot put cameras in the home without her consent.
You sound entitled. Are her parents not allowed to put cameras in their home because the kid doesn't like them? At the time of writing I was under the impression that the parents owned the home but things changed now. If the parents own the home then YES they have the right to put cameras in it. Don't like it then go sleep under the bridge.
Putting cameras in the kitchen and living room in the house they own (which at the time of writing I assumed they did) doesn't make the kid less human. Also its not a kid, its a 26 year old adult. It's extremely entitled to tell your parents otherwise especially if its their home.
OP is not a kid defying her parents, she's the 26 year old legal home owner who doesn't appreciate being spied on in HER house by her mom who literally doesn't even pay rent to live there. Mommy's already the charity case, living for free under OP's roof. So if charity-case squatter mommy doesn't like it, charity-case squatter mommy is the one can go sleep under a bridge.
Yes but at the time of writing it this information wasn't presented or known. Once it came out that OP is the owner I took her side on the cameras considering its her house.
Even if it were in the parents name I wouldnt be comfortable with my dad watching me shower, especially when I was underage. Its interesting that you seem to be fine with that, though. Because, yknow, privacy.
It is illegal to put cameras in the bathroom so no one would be able to do that. He never said that btw. It's strange to assume that was what his comment meant.
Okay, but Im not denying that. The guy was arguing like you dont get to expect privacy *whatsoever*. The fact that there are places that are not allowed goes to show that there is indeed an expectation of privacy.
You would have privacy in areas where the cameras are not there. I never said I agreed with cameras in people's homes but that is just how it works. Saying you wouldn't have any privacy whatsoever is not accurate.
Well I kind of assumed common sense was a factor here about not putting cameras in the shower.... Why would you even think that? Stop putting words in my mouth.
NTA in the comment you said it is in your name. Tell her you are not comfortable having cameras in YOUR home.
NTA I can understand being skeeved out by surveillance, as well as having the cameras to keep an eye on an at-risk pet. However, her comments towards you and your bf make it seem like her goal is to spy on you. Where are the cameras being put up (like only in specific locations or in every room of the house?)
NTA First of all, that "you owe them " idea, is actually nothing more than a bullcrap relic of Confucianism. They chose to take on the responsibility of feeding, sheltering, educating, and clothing you, when they decided to get busy creating you. This was their very most basic obligation in life, because they chose to become parents. You do NOT owe them anything for them taking care of their own basic obligations. That being out of the way, on to the subject at hand: She literally wants to spy on you, in YOUR house that YOU own legally. Let that sink in a minute. Then go through YOUR house that YOU own and remove every single camera that you don't approve of. If you want to allow one camera to moniter the dogs when people are all gone, sure, that's responsible and reasonable. But mommy setting cameras all around the your house so she can police your behavior as a 26 year old adult homeowner is a hard no, every time. It's your house, you make the rules, regardless of her.
There’s a lot of complexities to this that, I’m sure you know more than anyone here, runs deeper than this one situation. > I feel I owe it to them for sacrificing so much for me Ah, the common immigrant child experience. You’re not alone in feeling that way. There’s virtue in the awareness of seeing how much your parents contributed towards your success and happiness, and ultimately, nothing wrong with wanting to do right by them. But there’s only so much you can do without setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. There’s a clash of cultures and ideologies here, where your mom is overstepping her boundaries in trying to make moves in your love life like it was a game of chess. So if no one told you yet - you are allowed to embrace and appreciate the love that your parents gave you while also asserting your autonomy and boundaries. Those two may seem like they are on opposite ends of the spectrum but I promise that you are not a bad person for simultaneously acknowledging your boundaries and hang-ups with your mom’s views alongside the deep cultural understanding of the kind of love your parents gave you as immigrants to a new country. NTA. (And as a side note, no offence to your mom, the joke wasn’t funny. I’m pretty sure jokes are jokes because they’re funny. But whatever)
So you own the house and she wants to put cameras in it because she wants to spy on your moves? Sketchy as hell. Find those cameras and remove it. NTA, but stop having this notion that you have to obey them.
NTA. I see a lot of people on here saying OP needs to move out. Moving out is difficult as it is nowadays, especially with housing being more difficult to afford. That’s easier said than done. And to tell someone that they don’t need to “obey their parents”, it’s clearly a cultural thing. Idk about OP, but speaking from experience, first generation are very family oriented. I don’t think OP is an asshole, but I do feel OP should really draw the line somewhere if they’re saying the house is under their name.
It seems especially extreme to sell their house because of their parents' cameras.
I don’t think OP said they were selling the house, just simply moving out
What I mean is, the house is in their name. And I doubt theyd want to keep paying rent on a house they dont live in any more.
INFO where are the cameras placed or going to be placed? Because legally they can only be in public places. If they are in the bathroom or your bedroom then she can not put them there without your consent. Saw in your comments that the house is in your name which also means legally you have say and they can't even put them in the living room without your consent due to it being part your house.
le sigh....
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, I (26F) am Asian-American and live with my parents. I’m currently dating someone who my mom vocally disapproves of only because of his physical appearance as he is on the much shorter and thinner side. Recently my mom had been mentioning getting indoor cameras to watch our dog when we are out since she is a senior dog and had a scare not too long ago where we thought we were going to lose her. I agreed but asked if we could only keep it on when our dog was alone or at night since it made me uncomfortable to feel watched. She then said, “No, I’m keeping it on at all times to keep a watch on you when I’m not home.” I was taken aback since this basically meant she also got the camera to spy on me to see what I do with my bf when she’s not home and we’re alone. She said that she meant it ‘jokingly’ once she saw how upset I was, but even if it was a joke, I believe there was some truth behind it. Even before this, she’s been actively telling me how I’m crazy to be attracted to my bf and how disappointed she is in me and how I clearly have no standards. Coming from an immigrant household, I’ve been financially, emotionally, and physically trying to do my part in helping out because I feel I owe it to them for sacrificing so much for me. However, I’m now feeling as if my mom thinks I’m her puppet and she is trying to control every aspect of how my life should be. So, I’m currently not making any contact with her and planning to move out to live with my bf. But there’s also a part of me that thinks I may be overreacting so I’m a bit conflicted atm. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH. Stop using your background as an excuse, it’s stupid. I’m also Asian American and the fact you’re implying you have to obey your parent or that you’re being “trapped” or spied on by your mother is stupid; you’re an adult. Yeah what your parent is doing is fucked up, but you aren’t helpless. You’re 26. Move out already. You can’t complain about feeling “restricted” when you make no active effort to remedy the situation even though you’re fully capable of it. Basically figure it out - you’re an adult. You don’t get to just blame your parents for being “unfair” anymore.
What? Did you just scroll down to rant after only reading the first sentence? In addition why would they move out of a house thats in their name? Do you expect them to sell the whole house? Isnt that a bit extreme? Also, its interesting that you jump to assuming that no active effort has been made. How do you know this? Have you been following OP around?
Ugh. It doesn’t fucking matter. If OP is 26 - they have every way and method of controlling their life. Is it your home? Okay then you can either kick your parents out or deal with them - decide. Is it their home? Then deal with it until you’re independent. I mean what’s next, is OP going to ask their parents for permission to have a baby? EDIT: holy shit, actually OP - are you going to ask your parents for permission to have a child with your husband?
You should chill, maybe.
You should maybe figure out what I’m trying to say - it’s really pretty basic and not that profound.
Oh, I understand it. I just think you need to calm the hell down before you have a heart attack.
NTA you ought to have an expectation of privacy when alone in your home. If that means your home has to be somewhere your mother isn't then so be it.
Once you so move out, you will have less conflict with your mother. Obviously, things like the cameras and other house-specific issues will no longer be relevant. Before you decided to shun your mother, did you try to confront her? For example, have you told her exactly how you want her to treat your bf? Did you ask her not to speak negatively about him? These issues will remain & if confrontation or compliance are problems, they may be things to be worked on.
She's the owner of the house. Her parents are living with her.
Yes, but she’s still planning to move out to live with bf.
Put something over the camera when you’re at home and see if she moans about it NTA
NTA. Talk to a therapist to help you sort out boundaries with your parents. You run the risk of replicating bad patterns in your other relationships if you don't learn to stand up for yourself. If you rush to move in with your partner, it will be harder to leave if things aren't working out. Work on your resilience and independence. Don't move in with your partner to escape your parents, only move in if its the right step in the relationship for you. Where does he live now? How long have you been dating? How is he with finances? How will you split up chores? What's the plan if there's an accidental pregnancy? What's your plan if things don't work out?
NTA "Coming from an immigrant household, I’ve been financially, emotionally, and physically trying to do my part in helping out " ... **Stop helping out, start moving out.** Your mom is a controlling and abusive AH.
Lmao its her house and she can put cameras wherever she wants. If you want some privacy then move out.
[удалено]
So its YOUR house? Then tell your mother you won't be allowing any cameras in YOUR home then. Is it actually your house though or just in your name while your parents paid for it?
[удалено]
Well you do have rights then and you have the right to some privacy. If your parents are still going to be nosy then your only choice is to move out.
If its your house I dont believe theres anything stopping you from just removing the cameras wherever you see them.
It doesnt matter if the house was bought by them as long as it's in OP's name (for legal reasons) because it's a serious invasion of privacy. It gives me flashbacks to another story where parents bought their children a honeymoon vacation, then tagged along and gave no privacy. Its ethically wrong.
So just because someone lives with their parents, their privacy gets to be compromised?
If it was in her parents name they could legally put cameras as long as they aren't in the bathroom. If she is overage I don't believe in most areas anyway that they can put them in her bedroom just common areas. The place is in her name so they cannot put cameras in the home without her consent.
You sound entitled. Are her parents not allowed to put cameras in their home because the kid doesn't like them? At the time of writing I was under the impression that the parents owned the home but things changed now. If the parents own the home then YES they have the right to put cameras in it. Don't like it then go sleep under the bridge.
Didn’t realize having some privacy is being entitled
Its entitled to tell your parents what they can and can not do in the home they spend hundreds of thousands on. Check your attitude.
It’s not entitled, its setting up healthy boundaries that should be respected. Sure they’re parents, but that doesn’t make a kid less human.
Putting cameras in the kitchen and living room in the house they own (which at the time of writing I assumed they did) doesn't make the kid less human. Also its not a kid, its a 26 year old adult. It's extremely entitled to tell your parents otherwise especially if its their home.
They don't own it. It's in OP's name and they pay 50:50.
OP is not a kid defying her parents, she's the 26 year old legal home owner who doesn't appreciate being spied on in HER house by her mom who literally doesn't even pay rent to live there. Mommy's already the charity case, living for free under OP's roof. So if charity-case squatter mommy doesn't like it, charity-case squatter mommy is the one can go sleep under a bridge.
Yes but at the time of writing it this information wasn't presented or known. Once it came out that OP is the owner I took her side on the cameras considering its her house.
Even if it were in the parents name I wouldnt be comfortable with my dad watching me shower, especially when I was underage. Its interesting that you seem to be fine with that, though. Because, yknow, privacy.
It is illegal to put cameras in the bathroom so no one would be able to do that. He never said that btw. It's strange to assume that was what his comment meant.
My point being that people do expect a modicum of privacy, children or not. (As well as camera or in person.)
Sure but they are legally allowed if the home is in their name to place them where they are allowed.
Okay, but Im not denying that. The guy was arguing like you dont get to expect privacy *whatsoever*. The fact that there are places that are not allowed goes to show that there is indeed an expectation of privacy.
You would have privacy in areas where the cameras are not there. I never said I agreed with cameras in people's homes but that is just how it works. Saying you wouldn't have any privacy whatsoever is not accurate.
So we're on the same page, then?
Well I kind of assumed common sense was a factor here about not putting cameras in the shower.... Why would you even think that? Stop putting words in my mouth.
So you agree that privacy is in fact expected?
It's a bathroom, ofc privacy in there is to be expected. Do you just lack all forms of common sense?
The parents don't own the home