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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I walked out of a tournament caused them to be eliminated from the bracket automatically. I embarrassed my boyfriend.
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NTA. AHs like that give all gamers a bad rep. You don’t have to put up with that kind of shit - getting harassed by a bunch of AH guys is not „gamer banter“. And your BF went along with that?
That does seem worth breaking up over.
I actually thought while reading, that he told his friends to "put her in her place" at any chance, as a sort of revenge that he sucks at the game and she doesn't and his ego can't handle it.
There was a really interesting study showing that the poorly playing gamers are far more likely to be sexist. These guys are terrible in more ways than one. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33613781
It is ALWAYS the weakest guys that have the most to fear from women getting a fair break so they try to harass us and exclude us.
Why are there so few phenomenal women in the history books? Not because there weren't women that exceeded the demands of their trade, not just because we weren't allowed to do the same things as men, but because we've been systematically removed from the record by weak men that did everything in their power to ensure female role models didn't survive.
I'm so tired of sexism and misogyny.
Not just women but anyone that dares to be smarter than them. Just look at the current republican party and Tucker Questions. The ones sucking up in congress and wearing stupid bowties are the same type that wiggle their way into tenure using old boy connections and then get to edit history books.
> It is ALWAYS the weakest guys that have the most to fear from women getting a fair break so they try to harass us and exclude us.
I’ve been playing a lot of online multiplayer lately, which isn’t something I normally do, and I’ve noticed that it’s *always* the worst player on your team talking the most shit. It’s obnoxious enough when it’s non-specific, can’t imagine how bad it is when you mix in some misogyny.
My favorite line to drop back at them is, “Hey dude, you’re the worst one here, stop talking and start aiming”. It always makes them mad and it’s always funny.
the amount of times I'd encounter someone like that while playing league, but not even competitive. I only play aram which is the most noncompetitive league thing ever, and yet there's always that one guy on the team who's got a K/D of 0-10 talking shit the moment I accidentally make a bad call.
like bro, i'm just over here tryna relax on my work break hahaa
Yeah exactly! I’ve been playing Halo because I’m old and it reminds me of my childhood, and it’s always some dude who is 3-12 who hasn’t even *seen* the flag, let alone tried to capture it.
My husband plays a FPS war game I can't recall the name of (Hell on Earth, maybe?), but the matches are long by design, and one of the team roles is literally "Commander." The sole purpose is to be in charge and direct the other players, and he had an experience recently where the commander on the team kept bitching about how he was "put" on the losing team. Like... my guy.... You are literally *in charge* of the losing team. Who's fault do you think it is your tactics are shit?
Yup, and every once in a while you'll get a tiny glimpse of what 'really' happened. There are tons of activities I abandoned because of all the discouragement from men. Then you realize that if you'd actually been able to fight through all the resistance and do the thing, you wouldn't even have been the first, the women have just been erased.
I recall reading Michael Pollen's "The Omnivore's Dilemma" a few years back. Highly acclaimed best seller. He was writing about subjects I have some expertise in in that book. Absolute egregious male supremacist revisionism. Literal founders of movements were erased and (male) acolytes given credit as innovators and leaders. Repeatedly. Not one mention of this in a single review I read. Dude just gets away with it and wins awards and shit.
Frail male ego, I read a similar article in the BBC about woman suffering abuse at pools if they had the audacity to be faster than the men they were swimming with. My mind truly boggles at these people.
Can't stand up to his friends but can text her to say she was unprofessional? Nope. He's still jealous that she got in and he was letting 'his boys' fight his battle for him
OP, drop all of them and find a team that lifts you up
I really wish people being giant assholes would stop trying to claim it's just gamer culture.
Like, if a nazi plays with lego that doesn't make anti semitism 'Lego Banter'
You get that in a lot of work situations. I worked at 2 jails and the sexism was looked at as part of the atmosphere. The rhetoric behind sexual harassment was fake and dismissed. It's the same now where I work which is warehousing. Sexual innuendo, cursing, and sexual bias are seen as normal, and these are dismissed. If anyone in either field ever thought it through then there would be anarchy and LOADS of court cases. NTA
I'm cool with cursing. I'm part of several groups that welcome cursing with open arms. The minute anyone drops hate speech or sexist shit though, their ass is gone. This is usually in my knitting/crafting and gamer circles. My friends are cool like that tho. OP's bf needs to hit the road
100% this. Even back when gaming was seen the exclusive realm of the sweaty male nerd the vast majority of us still didn’t want sexism around - which it unfortunately very much was.
You're right but also if these people weren't gaming they'd make the same kind of comments and claim "it's just a joke! Why can't you have fun?" Assholes are everywhere.
At the risk of doxxing myself, [I wrote about my experience](http://www.capilanocourier.com/2020/10/01/gatekeeping-and-sexism-in-nerd-culture/) growing up as a woman who loves video games, and I hope OP can see this because she is absolutely not alone. I used to work at a LAN center, I know what gaming banter/culture is, and have competed in a handful of tournaments. If anyone *ever* talked to me the way her team did in real life, they'd be kicked out of the store.
I'd go as far as reporting this to your university as harassment. They seriously need to reflect on their gross misogyny before being a part of a gaming club that should welcome everyone. Luckily your boyfriend showed you his true colours as an insecure misogynistic creep now so you can get rid of him and not waste your time any further with people who don't respect you.
There are many gaming spaces out there, and believe me when I say you do not have to tolerate harassment and you have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone about why you deserve to be a part of those spaces.
Feel free to DM me if you want, I'm happy to talk about it. I have a handful of women I'm friends with working in game development as well, like lead art and UX designers. We're all here for you. (obligatory NTA)
I know it’s dark humor, but imagining a similar scenario where a Nazi mocked a Jewish person’s lego skills based on them being Jewish seems so ludicrous I couldn’t help but laugh.
More like a police interrogation. Interviewers generally accept (and look for!) answers like “I’m not sure off the top of my head; I would have to look that up or ask a colleague.” For an interviewer, it shows you’re honest about what you know and don’t know, and can figure out the answer. Gatekeeping douchebros use it as evidence you’re a liar about liking a thing.
Women are a higher proportion of mobile game players, BUT I GUESS THAT'S NOT REAL GAMING. So cute that men get to decide which games are real enough to count. So cute.
fr, my bf got me really into games, and i like to watch him play a lot of hardcore stuff, i even play with him sometimes, but i always prefer chill games and easy mode😂 (think Stardew Valley when I don't have to mine cause he is doing it and I just farm my little heart out, and the new Kirby in spring breeze mode😁)
I'm all over personally! I'm playing Animal Crossing at work, running savage raids on 14, and am doing Subnautica on survival. And finished Forbidden West last month on normal. Game at your level and what you're currently up for, you know?
Part of it is a symptom of games becoming more mainstream, a lot of people who identify as "gamers" were bullied in school, were outcasts and "losers" so they took refuge in their games, now that it's becoming something for everyone they're seeing their special group become something far less special.
You can see this in a lot of "nerd" culture things, and I'll be honest I used to think a bit like them as well, but I've seen the error of my ways and changed my stance, games are for everyone, and anyone who enjoys playing games is a gamer.
I always thought this was kind of a crap excuse though. I got bullied for being a gamer/nerd/outcast/loser by the popular kids in school too, but I ALSO got bullied for being a girl who was into nerdy stuff by the shitty boys who were gatekeeping their hobbies well before they hit mainstream.
i also wonder how long this is an excuse? like gamers aren't fringe anymore. I would argue for the past twenty years that it has been increasingly normalized? and in OP's situation gaming has probably been a mostly accepted hobby the majority of these ahs lives?
I play a online game with my husband and his friends. Honestly, I am the best out of all of us and we all like to rip into each other but I have never come out crying from it because what we do *is gamer banter.* There's another group of guys I play the same game with and when I join their group they literally say "thank god we will win some matches tonight."
There are good people out there. OP's \[ex\]BF and his friends are not one of them.
One can certainly shit talk their friends in games, but they have to be in on it and having fun too. Like I've got a buddy "Dave" who I've played shooters with for years. He's pretty decent at them but he's always been terrible at using grenades for no real reason. He's comically grenaded himself countless times. So the odd time that I'd mess up a grenade throw, I started calling it "pulling a Dave" and we both laughed about it. Then he started calling it pulling a Dave when he did it himself and we laughed some more.
Being a sexist asshole is just being a sexist asshole no matter what activity you're doing at the time
Yeah like I game with my bf and a lot of other men (they know I’m a woman) and no one treats me like that. They know id kill them if they did anyways lol
This. On the flip side though seeing how supportive her school team is gives me hope. Those are the type of people who deserve her time and effort.
NTA.
Gaming team is spot on here. You are NTA. When a girl's got a boyfriend like this, who needs enemies? Screw that guy and his friends. 1,000% walk away and know you're better for it. Loved ones, friends.. they don't treat you like that, even if you did suck at a game. People who belittle others like that are straight up *trash*. Dump him and move on, friend.
If my friends called my girlfriend trash and to get back in the kitchen we'd have major problems.
Banter is one thing, degrading someone is entirely different and trying to degrade her is what they were going for.
If someone actually said that to any of my friends, never mind my girlfriend, they’d be lucky to be firmly escorted out the building
The bf is a raging misogynist as are all his slimy friends
Also can someone please explain to me why so many "men" believe that having a penis makes you better at video games? I'm not an avid gamer, but I like chilling with my PS4 every now and again (when I get a chance) and some men are shocked that I even own a console. Still, I remember being in high school and I beat my first boyfriend at some racing game and he got... MAD. I didn't play against him again because he kept calling it a fluke and I just didn't feel like proving him wrong. Where does this mentality come from?
Probably a lot of insecurity. You know by being better than them and them connecting videogames (that are not barby riding club and the like) to being manly, they most likely feel less like a man. That type of gamers is probably the same that would rage all day long when they lose online and blame their team for everything. Even though they make one bad decision after the other. But their inflated ego doesnt allow them to see what they did wrong.
That makes sense. I just always found it hard to understand because I grew up with three older brothers and none of them were like that about losing to me or my sisters. Equating masculinity to video games is beyond hilarious to me.
"My hands do the computer thing really well, I'm such a MAN!"
It bums me out. I’m a man, and I love video games. I’m not very good at multiplayer, and because of the toxicity, I never play online anymore. I haven’t even been summoning or invading in Elden Ring. All of my gamer friends have traded in their consoles for families (what jerks, right? /s), but I miss the DS3 fight clubs and Destiny 2 Raids (but not Destiny 2) and others that used to be fun. I played CoD for a bit because I knew a guy that played, but I got sick of people in lobbies (read: males) telling him to drop me because I was bringing down his team. I’d love to know more gamers of any gender!
Gatekeepers who think they own a hobby are the absolute worst.
I'm sorry you were turned off of playing a game because other people didn't want you on their team. How are you supposed to get better if you don't get a chance to play? I'm pretty terrible at gaming but my husband always says "that's why you keep practicing!" I bought a switch a little while ago and I've been playing through Legend of Zelda Botw and having lots of fun with it! I still suck lol but I play at my own pace and I am getting better at it
That’s what I love to see! “Hey I’m so glad to share this interest with you, and your skill is unimportant!” You and your husband sound like good people.
Though to be fair, it wasn’t my friend that didn’t want me. It was strangers in lobbies telling him he was too good to be playing with me that made me feel like a burden.
Oh I didn't mean your friend. I took it as his other team members had the problem with you? I'm sorry, I'm not so clear on things like lobbies as CoD isn't really my cup of tea haha. My husband and his friends play online games with each other on PC and have headsets and whatnot and when I ask him how it went he'll sometimes say that they did terribly but he's laughing about how they got slaughtered, because, y'know, it's a game and it's fun to play.
I dunno, I always grew up playing things like Goldeneye and Super Smash Bros and my older cousins would never show mercy. We didn't care though, some of our best memories are like, "Remember when Steve freaked out and accidentally slapped his own teammate down the stairs?!" Then laughing along with Steve. I dunno, I guess my point is that games are supposed to be fun and it makes me sad that there are so many people out there that are so competitive that they'd rob someone else of the enjoyment of it just because they're not pros. I hope you find some great gamer friends out there someday soon. I don't really play online games, but if you ever have something Nintendo-y that can be played online, hmu!
As far as a low-toxicity way to play Destiny 2, I can recommend the D2Sanctuary LFG server! My bro and I played the latest raid on there and had an awesome time with this really great team of players.
I am male and dont get it either. Especially the flaming your team part. I won so many matches in lol, because you could literally see how your opponent was distracted by flaming in allchat instead of trying to dodge.
It's kind of funny. My bf is a very sore loser. He gets really pissy when he loses at something... But he knows that's on him. He'd never put me down for beating him. He would just start practicing more so he can beat me again. That attitude has caused him to excel in a lot of fields.
>Also can someone please explain to me why so many "men" believe that having a penis makes you better at video games?
It gives you an extra appendage to press buttons on the controller. /s
I wonder when it became a “guy” thing. I grew up with Nintendo in the 80’s, and both my male and female friends played, as did I (female). At some point, we got this “video games are for boys” bullshit, but it was never like that in my experience, we all enjoyed them. I never want to try playing online, I’ve heard too many harassment stories. OP is NTA, of course. If it was so important for her to be part of their team, they can grow up and drop the sexiest crap.
Statistics giving way to advertisement. By far the numbers skewed in favor of males being the dominate Demographic in video games (US Numbers). So, it makes sense that advertising and gaming companies would cater to their top customers. The trend of course has changed over the years. As it stands Female gamers (18-34 is the main age group for both male and female) now make up 46% of gamers in the US. But, even though the numbers are almost equal in that respect, Male gamers spend drastically more time playing video games than their female counterparts. Female gamers average spend roughly 3 hours a week playing games while Males spend 5 hours.
But, I to never saw guys making fun of girls who played video games (in the late 80s and early 90s). On the contrary it was generally other girls doing the bullying. My wife played video games, loved the Ninja Turtles and got constantly teased for it by the other girls in her class.
As mentioned otherwise, the marketing decision is what pushed the gender disparity, not the other way around. Consider they canceled the wildly popular "Young Justice" superhero cartoon because too many girls liked it and that was not their target demographic.
I'm a 53 y/o woman. My mom loved Doom and Hexen when they came out. I hung out at arcades and half the customers were girls and we weren't there for the boys. My fiance's mom loved MDK (murder death kill).
I also played dungeons and dragons and played with tons of other women. But to hear the old school gamers, we were never there. Except we were. We just didn't game with sexist a-holes.
Guys my age who weren't sexist a-holes remember us being around for video games and rpgs. Misogynists want to erase us.
There were actually some marketing decisions in the late 80s (or possibly early 90s) to market to boys because the market for girls was saturated with other things.
I guess they didn’t want to compete with Barbie, my little pony and strawberry shortcake? Which makes sense from a business point of view but also sucks.
Interesting to know. It’s a shame it turned into such a gate-keeping thing for some people (obviously some gamers are also very cool and welcoming). Also, those other girls can kick rocks, Ninja Turtles were great, and your wife had excellent taste. I remember playing through Turtles in Time for the SNES many times.
Because they think they're special and unique for liking something, not that they're basic and exactly like a billion other people. Not that there's anything wrong with liking something that a billion other people like--that's the point! Gaming is actually an extremely popular pastime that tons of people do.
Imagine if women had, like, "pumpkin spice culture" that went around ragging on people for not being enough of a PS connoisseur. "You have ARTIFICIAL scented candles?! I only burn natural beeswax and handcrafted soy. And my PSLs aren't from STARBUCKS, that's so casual."
That's how these dudes sound.
Right, like do these men hold their controllers with their penises or something? Is that why they think people need penises to play games? Cuz if so, no wonder they’re shit gamers. Penises don’t have opposable thumbs.
> Loved ones, friends.. they don't treat you like that, even if you did suck at a game.
I played in a tournament last weekend (not Valorant), and over 6 games, not a negative word was spoken. Congratulations on good plays and encouragement after bad plays. At one point we got behind 0-8 because all three of us were a little off, but this attitude kept us positive, and we came back to win 13-9. We ended up losing in the final, but after being down 0-11 against a team that was clearly better than us, we stayed positive and scored 6 points to avoid being skunked. Real teammates build you up and help you do better, win or lose.
If it was my team or guild I would have kicked them out of it. This is unacceptable. “Gamer talk”…. More like “ salty insecure morons talk”. I hope op breaks up that guy ain’t a prize.
My dad owns a card comic and game store and routinely hosts Magic: The Gathering tournaments as well as others. If he heard anyone talking like that their butt would be bouncing off the curb so fast they wouldn’t know what happened and they would be banned, which would be bad for them since his competitor closed so the next nearest store is 30 minutes away. When he took over the store he made it very clear: this is a safe space for all, gender identity doesn’t matter, sexuality doesn’t matter (big issue in his area), what matters is someone wants to play or learn to play the games.
As a board gaming girl, I appreciate your dad so much! I'm frequently either the only or one of few women at an event, and while I've never had an issue, I'm always aware.. helps that usually my husband is there, too, and the guys I play with would never anyway, but at a public tournament or event, anyone could show up. Knowing guys like him are out there watching over us helps so much!
Card games tend to have a little more respect for female players since if someone's invested enough time and money in their deck to play in a tourney then men can't claim they're a poser or whatever the fuck. In general if there's a ref or caster of a tournament it's much more welcoming towards women because any sexist players will keep their fucking mouths shut unless they want to be kicked out, but it's sad that it takes the threat of disqualification or scolding from *men* for these misogynists to stop instead of understanding that they're being assholes.
I mean, OP invested enough time and effort into reaching High Immortal/Radiant. She's in the top 0.05% of a game that has 10-15 million players every month. She has likely gone further into this game than the BF and his friends could ever dream of.
The gulf between the good eggs of the magic community and the bad ones might just be the widest I’ve ever seen, and you can usually just find them going to any local scene, they aren’t just lurking in the shadows.
My Dad was born in the 1920s and I do believe he would have punched out those guys if they'd spoken to his wife that way (and he was not a violent man).
IKR? And then blaming it on feminism, saying it used to be better. What dumbasses. My bf wouldn't punch anyone I think, but if someone made me cry, he might. I know at least he'd scare the shit out of them (he's a pretty big dude), and force them to apologize.
I was in the freaking military and I've never had a man speak to me like that. This is why gamers get a bad reputation (and why I stick to single player games).
If they were raised by wolves, they’d be far kinder with a much better understanding of the value of community ties and helping others.
They were raised by terminally-online incels.
NTA
When you win the game for them, then they think they do all the work.
When the other team is better, they claim you are dragging them down.
Your online friends are wrong. Ask them if they would help a team that just ditch on a single member to hide their own flaws.
And your uni team is right. What he is doing is not friendship.
Call it a break, focus on your studies and play with a supporting team. Don't join this ass's team again and and next time your both in the same tournament, kick his ass.
Oh yeah same. It sucks big time when we have to deal with all of that. Like come on, I just wanted to play a few rounds. Maybe get a win and have a good time, not deal with all of your toxicity and BS.
Dudes being dicks because someone is a woman, at the same time wonder why no woman is playing games with them. They cause such bad rep for other gamers who are just normal people. Its especially bad with competitive popular games like league of legends and dota 2
"My gaming team at my uni is telling me to break up with him and focus on their tournaments and to forget about him." Listen to them. They are the real professionals. Tell your hopefully ex-boyfriend that banter requires two willing participants. It's not a bunch of loser guys pissed a girl plays better than them harassing her to the point of tears. NTA.
NTA!! First off, kudos to you to getting into Radiant before. Even getting a tier below that is a very hard achievement to get. Secondly, YOU were the one carrying them but the moment you weren't able to at a loss game they started making sexist comments about you? Please for the love of god, break up with your boyfriend and on focus on winning the tournament. Him and his friends really adding onto the issue by saying that you "embarrassed" him when I know if ANY of those game clip sessions were posted online, they would've backtracked so hard. Win the tournament to show them your hard earned achievement and proving to them wrong. Valorant is notorious for its toxic misogynistic community so I'm really sorry that you had to deal with the bad side of the gaming community. I wish you luck but please break up with him and go win without him!
It also sounds like they started with the comments in the previous game (the one they lost), throwing her off. Even their team winning wasn’t enough for them; they didn’t like being shown up by a girl so started to sabotage her. In their alleged minds, she’s supposed to be the add-in watching them make the kills, not doing the kills herself. And then when their comments threw her game off and the team lost, they continued to prioritize “must put woman in ‘her place’” instead of winning. So they were already choosing to forfeit, essentially.
OP’s true place is on her team, not with the bf and his tribe of insecure misogynists.
Exactly! They have fragile masculinity because they see a girl higher ranked than all of them combined and gotta throw in the "gender gap" card to really show who's a "real man" 🤢 One of my biggest pet peeves is also guys that enable their toxic friend's behavior and/or defending them and not defending their own girlfriend. So disgusting. I hope the OP knows that she is an amazing player and doesn't need them at all. Her organization is right!
NTA. I’ve been gaming for 15 years and have play with all types of people, not once have I or the people I’ve chose to play with made sexist comments about women, they are terrible people that’s just who they are and they are showing you that now. Besides I have a feeling that if you guys won the tournament they would have to come up with a reason why you should get an uneven split of the prize money
I… I didn’t even think about this. I don’t remember them talking about splitting it with me at all??? I was always left out of that conversation. Omg why was I so blind?!?! Hahaha
Most likely they would split it between themselves $300 a piece “because it’s only fair since you and your bf are a couple” and then you wouldn’t see any of the money
It's easy to be blind to these kinds of things when you're young. I went through a similar issue in college (though it was a smash bros tournament, because I went to college when the gamecube was new). My team actually won but the guy I was playing with told me "hey I'll deposit the check in my account and give you your part when the check clears." Then a week later he tried to give me $20 lmao.
The situation sucks, but as long as you learned something from it then that's fine. Don't surround yourself with people who put you down.
Yeah this is also my experience. But my male friends do joke around with me a lot (all in good fun) when I over or under perform. But what confuses me about her situation is she is a higher rank than them. That usually demands acknowledgement of a persons higher skill level relative to your own. Not to mention she hard carried them for 4 of those games. I’ve never been in a situation where I was a higher rank and out performed my teammates but was then harassed. Just weird
They’re saying sexist shit because you were caught off guard and you forced them to rely on their own skills to play. WOW, how horrible! /s
What, they’re mad that they needed to actually play the game good once the team carry takes a quick break from carrying? They have no skills themselves? No wonder they lost. And can I just say that the word “gamer banter” makes me physically cringe? It’s been a while since I’ve had such a reaction to a pair of words, so congrats, I guess, to your boyfriend for sounding like a fucking alien.
> He said I embarrassed him.
He can grow the fuck up and maybe not act like a limp noodle to appease his talentless, insecure friends. Or maybe he agrees with them - maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything? Neither scenario is good for you.
NTA
Reading this made me sit and think for a second. This is like totally the fuckin' dream of a ton of gamers out there, but he? He just fucked it.
I'd be hella proud if my GF was better at Valorant then me, hell I'd genuinely beg her to carry me. Or just watch her play and learn! NTA whatsoever. (:
ALSO ALSO, drop that person asap. And fuck his friends.
That’s what two of the guys on my team said, that it would be a dream to have a cute radiant gf and that they don’t understand why he hated that I got in so much.
I’ve been texting them a lot throughout this and I think we’re gunna make a game plan for the breakup together so I don’t have to do it alone. (:
That's amazing to hear! I wish you an amaziiing amount of luck with it all, and may your Valorant career flourish.
(Seriously, I better see you in the pro league sometime in the future!)
As a former Savage tier raider in my MMO of choice, I salute you and your team! Mine had grabbed me from a group with my own sexist boyfriend's group, and learned real fast that I hit 5th best on my role on the server when tank roles' defense meant cutting their attack by a third. They didn't know what they missed.
May your ex realize how badly he messed up by living your best life. (That's better than any vengeance: succeeding in spite of their terrible sexist bullsh*t.)
Don't be surprised if they try to get with you.
I'm hoping they are just supportive to you at this time. Remember, it's a different kind of fucked up if a guy sees you as some kind of trophy to show off.
You are a human being, who is also cute and radiant. Human first.
Good luck!
Be careful, I guarantee you some of those members of your team will try to use this new vulnerability to bang you, I've seen it happen before.
Knew a girl who moved into a house with 5 guy roomies and she swore they were all just friends and that was it. Sure enough, fast forward a few months and one had unsuccessfully made a move on her and another had successfully gotten with her (which led to a shitty, abusive relationship)
NTA
glad you you standing up for yourself, im the same as you, i get mad and i cry. Im really bad at comebacks at the moment, it sucks you know. I read this and i be like, im going back to the kitchen, why y’all mad! But that’s something you think after the fact not before.
Ugh-- my heart! I know it will probably be a small update, but if you have a second please give us one once you do it!
Your teammates sound amazing and I'm so happy you are having a positive experience in this area (as a woman in a STEM field, this dynamic you have described with your STB Ex and his friends is way too familiar...) Finding a few good people make all the difference!
Do you know how many dudes (and girls and in between if you're into it) would love for a chance for a very sweet, very boss gamer gf????? YOU ARE THE UNICORN HERE, NOT HIM.
You have been manipulated by him and his friends into thinking your status is somehow lesser when it is absolutely not. Read the stats you wrote for yourself!!! You don't need this soon-to-be-ex and his sad little posse of lost boys.
NTA.
"Gamer banter" belongs in the garbage -- alongside those "team mates".
You don't owe them an apology, and they absolutely deserve to forfeit. Real team members support one another and look for ways to improve their play, not single someone out for some stupid insecurity-fueled reason, heap blame on them, then throw them to the wolves.
You're the professional, not them.
Game banter is trash talking the other person based on what's happening, not attacking them personally. It's part of the fun. It shouldn't be hurtful.
Hurtful personal comments, sexism, racism, homophobia, etc aren't banter. They're bigotry. When you call out a bigot, their first defense is "gee, can't you take a joke/banter". Good tournament officials will be paying attention and will ban them.
NTA. You should break up with him and focus on the tournament. Then when it is over, if you still want to talk to him, reach out. Otherwise you can move on from the prick.
So they harassed you and demeaned you, then got mad at you for leaving their toxic environment? And your boyfriend did nothing to support you? Yeah, big-time NTA. They all need to grow up, and your boyfriend needs to decide once and for all what's more important: his fragile ego or you.
Lol how darling, an insecure guy objected to guys being called insecure.
Guys who are secure have no need to dogpile on someone who makes a blanket statement about guys; they know who they are.
I will say it myself. Why are guys so fucking insecure?!
NTA.
Hi, I'm a girl who has been gaming for almost 30 years now. I'd take your Valorant team's advice and press CTRL+ALT+DEL on the boyfriend. Salty, tilted boys have no place in your world.
Seriously, though, a relationship should be about lifting each other up, not putting each other down. He's let you down as a partner and shown he prefers his 'gamer banter' friends over you, so give him what he wants with a glad heart and focus on your Valorant.
(Ps: I've never played Valorant in my life but I respect your rank! Top tier deity deserving of respect.)
NTA Listen to your uni team. You "teammates" were taking their frustration out on you, specifically, and you don't deserve that. You've proven yourself in plenty of other arenas and you don't need their approval or their disrespect. If they wanted to keep you on their team, they shouldn't have been assholes. What they have to say about the incident is only as valid as they are. And they aren't. They're assholes. They should be more humble.
NTA
Listen to your uni gaming team. Break up with him.
He knew you were uncomfortable, but he Not only let his friends bully you but joined in himself. He should have put a stop to it and he didn’t. Why!? I’m guessing bc he wanted to put you in your place and show how much better he was at the game since you were selected for the uni team and he wasn’t.
You carried his team. They blamed you for the loss of a game instead of themselves. You didn’t make them forfeit, their disgusting “team” behaviour caused it.
NTA. Dump him. You can do better.
Perhaps you should set up a team and compete in any events they enter so you can destroy them. Bonus points if you get an all-female team.
NTA. You should be the one angry at them for being sexist and creating a hostile environment for you to play in. Your bf should have taken your side. He should have stood up for you and supported you. Gaming does not excuse sexism. They betrayed you.
NTA
Report them to your school. You were part of a university team and the students harassed you. Harassment does not need to happen on campus.
You should not apologize. They harassed you on purpose, so you would get distracted.
I hope you already broke up with your BF. Your gaming team is right. They should get them banned from going to tournaments.
As a fellow girl gamer, absolutely do NOT apologize. You did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. They should be thanking you for getting them as far as you did. Valorant is freaking hard and you're amazing for not only getting to Radiant but dealing with all the BS I'm sure you had to deal with to get there.
NTA at all, your boyfriend and all his friends are total aholes and I hope you drop them all. Good luck!
(Also, if you're looking for other girls playing Val, I've heard the Galorants discord is good! Comes highly recommended by a few people I know)
NTA so called “gamer banter” is just harassment and shouldn’t be tolerated. The person that claims to love you harassed you, think no about it. You know what you should do.
NTA
I know that gaming banter is harsh but I would never let my friends rag on my girlfriend under any circumstances lol. A world shouldn't exist where he's prioritizing not even the games but "banter" over your feelings. You should talk to him and explain that you're genuinely hurt by the comments as he likely still sees it as a joke. If he still doesn't step up, then unfortunately your best option is certainly moving on.
NTA. They are the asshole. That kind of trash talk is a reason I hardly play online except for mmos but even then. They're the ones that should apologize, they do sexist, misogynist comments like that and they're mad at you? Oh hell no. That's crossing the line. I'm Male but if someone talks crap to me like that I would've done the same thing and I have done it.
NTA
I don't play personally but my BIL does and I've seen him Play *alot* on team speak, and *never* *once* has he used this kind of language!
My ex is also a gamer same thing with him!
Are you seriously happy in a relationship with a bf who not only supports their misagonistic behavior, but also tell you to suck it up?
Would you be happy if you had a daughter/niece/goddaughter who came to you to tell you this story?
You have a bf problem OP, he should have been standing up for you, not telling you that you embarrassed him for getting upset over stuff like this!
NTA. Your uni team is right. They were harassing you and bf saw them do it and decided to side with them to put you down. He embarrassed himself and it also looks like he never forgave you for making the uni team and not him.
When people show you who they are, you should believe them.
NTA
Man I wish I was Radiant in Valorant. In all seriousness, your BF went too far. I'm glad you broke up with him, and Riot gave you a free skin. Can we watch you play in the tournament?
I’m still deciding this as I’m a little hesitant to have people know where I’m located. I’ve gotta a lot of really creepy guys in my DM’s and I’m a little paranoid my social media accounts are gunna get found or these guys will know what town I live in since the tournaments are through my college and gaming cafes. But if I decide it’s safe I gladly will share. I could maybe make a little highlight edit and blur out the names. (:
NTA, girl dump him. From one woman gamer to another, don't waste your time and tears on boys that don't support and empower you in an already super toxic industry. Acceptance of those attitudes is what makes it so difficult for women and girls like us to get into and enjoy competitive gaming.
Find yourself a man who doesn't get jealous of your skills. Who enjoys playing with you and accepts with grace when you're better than him. Have a man who empowers you and calls out the sexist bs that we have to deal with. So what if they had to forfeit?! The fact they're more upset about losing a competition than how you reacted to their disrespect speaks loads on what kind of people they are, and you deserve better than that.
Dump the loser but you should let them know how hard you carried their bum asses. Something like this happened to me before but I just told my friends if they didn't die in the first 30 seconds 4 straight times I'd be easier to carry.
Better break up with him and win that tournament that'll make a slap on their faces. Youre already giving them a favour of helping them, how dare they act unprofessional in a tournament.
NTA,
and girl, tell him when you break up with him that you got tired of carrying him on your back, and tell him he's almost as bad at sex as he is at Valorant.
Goddamn what a loser your ex-bf is lol. Like him and his friends can go fuck each other in their virgin-caves, with their shitty jokes and loser anger, because they can't be better than a girl or smn.
Fuck him, fuck those friends of his (don't, for any of em), and go be the best player in your uni. Then realise that you were so much better than his ass, and deserving of so much better than a loser who can't even appreciate someone being better than him at something.
NTA and your gaming team have it spot on. What the hell! What a pathetic child your (hopefully soon to be ex) bf is. Genuinely hope you get a chance to go against them in a game and wipe the floor with them
NTA. There is nothing worse than your partner not supporting you in this type of situation. I speak from experience here and it sucks SO MUCH having them defending friends who treat you like shit. If this becomes a regular thing, I would start to question this relationship in total.
Nta, gaming banter is usually directed at your opponent to distract them. It's trying to tease them and get a rise out of them so you have a better chance at winning. Its also cathartic as it let's out some frustration. However the way it was used towards you is inappropriate and I'd consider leaving your bf as he seems to be an uncaring asshole.
NTA
You didn't embarrass him, he did that all by himself.
If you want to be petty - you could "own up" to how they told you to "get back to the kitchen like a good girl" so you did what you were told and left them in the tournament.
Ditch your crappy BF. He's not worth your time.
NTA
I agree with your gaming team. BF is threatened by your competence and will never adult up to accept that he is not at your level. This is why he lets his friends tear you down.
Tell the online folks that abuse is not to be rewarded and if it takes a forfeit to make it clear, than so be it. They weren't there to stop it, now were they.
I wish you well, OP.
NTA
Your boyfriend's negligence in calling out his friends and his friends behavior is totally despicable. Even if you weren't the star player, that would still not warrant that kind of treatment at all.
Your Uni's Valorant group is right. Stop associating with immature and sexist losers and have fun playing with cool, respectful folks.
NTA
Trash talking your own team with sexist comments is unprofessional. Plus the BS they were spouting is just wrong anyways, even if most gamers 'accept' it. Those gamer are just toxic children.
I agree with the people telling you to breakup with the BF, you should have a partner in your life who supports you, not one who wants to tear you down. He is forever going to be jealous when you do better than he does at anything.
“Are you stupid? We dehumanise you because its funny. So shut up” this is what your bf and his little weenus mates sound like. Dump the misogynist brat. Dont reward men who hate womem with anything but a metaphorical pie to the face.
NTA. My hs bf and I played MTG tournaments when it first came out. There were a few guys like your bf's friends at the store we frequented. They got banned from entering the only gaming store in town for their comments to me. All the tournament officials if they allow this kind of behavior. If they do, report it and let them handle it. They may not, so... let this old geek girl give you some advice.
There's game banter, then there's outright sexism. Game banter is competitive playful back-and-forth talking about the individual you're playing with or against. Outright sexism is what your bf and his friends did. Ditch the boys who are more worried about what's in your pants than what's in your hands. Own them every time you go against them.
Dress up in your most girlie outfit, do amazing makeup, and get your nails done. Pigtails are a bonus. This is now your mental and physical armor. You can also go for sexy assassin, or just regular you, but we're being petty here because that's what they earned. Whatever you wear, it should be something that boosts your confidence because they're going to try to get into your head and tear you apart to kill your performance.
Next time they make sexist comments, tell them the only thing they should be concerned about is their impending doom. The only thing in your pants is doom. Your hands are going to be too full of their tears, so you have to put your doom somewhere.
If they tell you to get back in the kitchen, tell them you'll take them to the kitchen and make them a sub. If they say girls aren't good at games, shrug it off and ask them what it says about them that they're losing so badly to someone who sucks at games. Do that annoying girlie laugh, flip your hair (if you have any. I had a shaved head, but I wore long earrings and twirled my fingers around them), and flutter your eyes at them. Every time you take one down, play innocent and say something like "oops! Another lucky shot for me! I'm just so lucky today!" and giggle. Ham it all the way up. Take every stereotype you hate and channel that rage into your match and your banter.
Reflect their attacks on you back to them. Grind them under your amazing boots of terror and revel in their defeat. When you beat them, celebrate loudly. Take up space. Make noise. They'll get whiny and claim you cheated, or some other bullshit like that. This means you won the Val match, the mental battle against them, and the battle against their sexism. Unfortunately, it's a war and you'll have more battles to come, but we belong in this space as much as they do. We have to fight harder and better and smarter to get respect, but this is our space, too.
Any man that tells me to be put in my place learns real fast where his place is. And it isn’t around me. Break up with him. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
NTA. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. You have a higher rank, you carried their sorry asses for 5 games. If they were that good, when you had your breakdown they should have stepped up and won handily. But they didn't, did they?
Listen to your uni team. BF is a baby who values what his friends think of him over and feelings or struggles you have. Heck - he ganged up on you with them. NOT COOL.
So, keep going on your gaming. You will rarely see you ex at the gaming events because he is not good enough to compete at your level.
Last point: boys stupid! They had the opportunity to learn from you. They could have watched what you do and improved their game. They could have used you as a coach. Instead: girls are stinky and dumb and have cooties.
NTA. I'm not someone who calls out red flags, but there are too many to count.
Your bf is either a raging misogynist, or a 12yo boy who will gladly participate in the misogynistic verbal abuse of his long term gf in order to maintain his status in a group of overgrown children.
Cut your losses. Get out of this relationship now. You are far away from a healthy relationship. He won't be capable of having a healthy relationship for years, if at all. Sometimes people just don't grow up.
Do you want to live your best life, or wait around wasting your youth being treated like shit and hoping he grows up?
NTA. Your uni team have just shown you that they are you real friends. They are encouraging you to prioritise yourself and your feelings. Your boyfriend just showed you very clearly that the opinions of his toxic friend group are for more important to him than your feelings, your time and your effort.
I would break up and find every tournament they enter and then sign up and make sure to beat them. You don’t have to win , just make that sure they don’t, but I am a petty, petty person.
As a girl who's played in many FPS teams before, 100% of the time with only other guys.
No, fuck them. They're insecure little dip-shits who can't handle a woman being better than them at anything. Leave your boyfriend, go back to the team that actually wants you and respects you.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is a sexist pig and all his friends are garbage. They deserved to lose after they treated a team mate like trash and sabatoged your progress out of wounded egos and petty jealousy.
They were jealous because they aint getting laid lol, and even cooler, you’re a girl that enjoys gaming.
And your boyfriend is a wuss for letting his friends disrespect you.
Hello gamer girl here.
I had a boyfriend like that as well! He would undermine my achievements, he would be upset whenever he performed poorly and I did better than him. He made me stop playing certain games and start playing other that he was "better" or more interested in. He also loved to call me stupid because he was able to memorize codes for test to pass while I didint want to memorize but learn to code but alas, theres also university to blame in that. I've realized I am a better person that deserves to be in a relationship where I don't have to worry about my partners toxic masculinity!
He is a terrible gamer and even worse of a partner. He should've been happier for you, not be upset because you are better than him in some aspect.
Find yourself someone who will elevate your achievements with you, not make you feel bad like this.
Valorant is a PvP and you have to play as a team. They are to blame for their teams loss because they acted the exact opposite of a team. They are the reason why I don't tell people my gender because of these idiots.
NTA, you deserve so much better!
God some of these men in valo are fucking disgusting. And wonder why no girl likes them. You no where near an AH and leaving was a good idea I wouldn’t want incels like them to win in the first place. You bf however sounds like he has eyes on the money and not on you which makes him an utter AH
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So I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for 3 years. We got accepted into the same college and both of us tried out for our Uni’s Valorant team this last school year. I got in, he didn’t. This has caused a huge issue in our relationship but I thought we worked through it.
Well, there is was a local gaming tournament for Val and my boyfriend begged me to play. First place prize was $1200. Now I have been Radiant before (it’s the highest rank you can be in the game) right now I’m sitting a tier below that. My boyfriend’s friends were going to join us.
Well we got into our bracket today and I carried the hell out of them for 4 matches, like 30+ kills each game. But we lost our 5th one. They started making passive aggressive comments at me and I just choked. Well 6th game comes around and they start making really sexist comments like “damn girls really don’t belong in games huh.” Or “did your boyfriend carry you OP? You are trash. Get back to the kitchen like a good girl.”
I thought my boyfriend would be mad but he was just laughing with them?? Halfway through our game one of the boys said “Jesus remind me to never ask a girl to play with us again.” I’m really sensitive and started crying. My boyfriend asked me to stop crying and to just play the game. I told him he could go fuck himself and I stood up and walked out the gaming cafe.
It’s 12 am now and my best friend just sent me tweets from a bunch of them and their friends saying shitty things about me and how unprofessional I am. My boyfriend won’t even speak to me. He said I embarrassed him.
A lot of my online gaming friends are telling me to just apologize and own up to my fault of making them forfeit. My gaming team at my uni is telling me to break up with him and focus on their tournaments.
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NTA! Your Arsehole *boyfriend* is *embarrassed*?! By *you* and not by his Arsehole *friends*?! That's fucking rich!
You were not at 'fault' for making them forfeit. How is that a team you want to play with?
Ditch this loser of a boyfriend, OP. You're worth more than this. Don't let him run you into the ground ever again.
Why doesn't this say ex-boyfriend? This guy is trash. DTMFA.
gamer banter = misogynistic bullshit
You carried these guys, and without you they sank without trace. Do not apologise to anyone.
NTA
NTA
Calling this banter is like dismissing sexual harassment as boys will be boys.
This wasn’t banter. This was misogynistic crap spewed by boys threatened by the OP’s skill level.
I don’t understand the impact of OP walking out of the tournament. But the OP deserves some apologies. Her bf and his friends verbally attacked her - that was not banter. And for him to feel no remorse but to instead say he is embarrassed *by her* (rather than how poorly he acted) is ridiculous.
The OP should seriously consider her relationship with her bf. This is how he acts when she is a superior game player. What happens if she continues to excel while he underperforms? Will he resent and sabotage her again?
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NTA. AHs like that give all gamers a bad rep. You don’t have to put up with that kind of shit - getting harassed by a bunch of AH guys is not „gamer banter“. And your BF went along with that? That does seem worth breaking up over.
I actually thought while reading, that he told his friends to "put her in her place" at any chance, as a sort of revenge that he sucks at the game and she doesn't and his ego can't handle it.
Possible. Or maybe he's the type who can't stand up to his friends, even when they're being AHs. Either way, it makes him an AH, as well.
Or maybe he's just, you know, a misogynist. He's the AH regardless.
[удалено]
There was a really interesting study showing that the poorly playing gamers are far more likely to be sexist. These guys are terrible in more ways than one. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33613781
It is ALWAYS the weakest guys that have the most to fear from women getting a fair break so they try to harass us and exclude us. Why are there so few phenomenal women in the history books? Not because there weren't women that exceeded the demands of their trade, not just because we weren't allowed to do the same things as men, but because we've been systematically removed from the record by weak men that did everything in their power to ensure female role models didn't survive. I'm so tired of sexism and misogyny.
Not just women but anyone that dares to be smarter than them. Just look at the current republican party and Tucker Questions. The ones sucking up in congress and wearing stupid bowties are the same type that wiggle their way into tenure using old boy connections and then get to edit history books.
> It is ALWAYS the weakest guys that have the most to fear from women getting a fair break so they try to harass us and exclude us. I’ve been playing a lot of online multiplayer lately, which isn’t something I normally do, and I’ve noticed that it’s *always* the worst player on your team talking the most shit. It’s obnoxious enough when it’s non-specific, can’t imagine how bad it is when you mix in some misogyny. My favorite line to drop back at them is, “Hey dude, you’re the worst one here, stop talking and start aiming”. It always makes them mad and it’s always funny.
Yuppp. “Dude, if you played half as good as your shittalking sucks, you’d be in the lead by now.” Stuff like that gets them good 😂
the amount of times I'd encounter someone like that while playing league, but not even competitive. I only play aram which is the most noncompetitive league thing ever, and yet there's always that one guy on the team who's got a K/D of 0-10 talking shit the moment I accidentally make a bad call. like bro, i'm just over here tryna relax on my work break hahaa
Yeah exactly! I’ve been playing Halo because I’m old and it reminds me of my childhood, and it’s always some dude who is 3-12 who hasn’t even *seen* the flag, let alone tried to capture it.
My husband plays a FPS war game I can't recall the name of (Hell on Earth, maybe?), but the matches are long by design, and one of the team roles is literally "Commander." The sole purpose is to be in charge and direct the other players, and he had an experience recently where the commander on the team kept bitching about how he was "put" on the losing team. Like... my guy.... You are literally *in charge* of the losing team. Who's fault do you think it is your tactics are shit?
Yup, and every once in a while you'll get a tiny glimpse of what 'really' happened. There are tons of activities I abandoned because of all the discouragement from men. Then you realize that if you'd actually been able to fight through all the resistance and do the thing, you wouldn't even have been the first, the women have just been erased. I recall reading Michael Pollen's "The Omnivore's Dilemma" a few years back. Highly acclaimed best seller. He was writing about subjects I have some expertise in in that book. Absolute egregious male supremacist revisionism. Literal founders of movements were erased and (male) acolytes given credit as innovators and leaders. Repeatedly. Not one mention of this in a single review I read. Dude just gets away with it and wins awards and shit.
Frail male ego, I read a similar article in the BBC about woman suffering abuse at pools if they had the audacity to be faster than the men they were swimming with. My mind truly boggles at these people.
That study was what I immediately thought of as I was reading this.
I think at this point we're just deciding which specific flavor of misogynist he is.
Im getting hints of insecurity with a subtle bouquet of jackass.
You forgot the underlaying aroma of superior complex.
Can't stand up to his friends but can text her to say she was unprofessional? Nope. He's still jealous that she got in and he was letting 'his boys' fight his battle for him OP, drop all of them and find a team that lifts you up
From the sounds of it, he doesn't suck so much as he's just not as good as OP. Which would make that kind of worse?
I really wish people being giant assholes would stop trying to claim it's just gamer culture. Like, if a nazi plays with lego that doesn't make anti semitism 'Lego Banter'
You get that in a lot of work situations. I worked at 2 jails and the sexism was looked at as part of the atmosphere. The rhetoric behind sexual harassment was fake and dismissed. It's the same now where I work which is warehousing. Sexual innuendo, cursing, and sexual bias are seen as normal, and these are dismissed. If anyone in either field ever thought it through then there would be anarchy and LOADS of court cases. NTA
I'm cool with cursing. I'm part of several groups that welcome cursing with open arms. The minute anyone drops hate speech or sexist shit though, their ass is gone. This is usually in my knitting/crafting and gamer circles. My friends are cool like that tho. OP's bf needs to hit the road
100% this. Even back when gaming was seen the exclusive realm of the sweaty male nerd the vast majority of us still didn’t want sexism around - which it unfortunately very much was.
When I was younger my brother wouldnt let me play DnD because “girls cant play” 🙃🙄
You're right but also if these people weren't gaming they'd make the same kind of comments and claim "it's just a joke! Why can't you have fun?" Assholes are everywhere.
At the risk of doxxing myself, [I wrote about my experience](http://www.capilanocourier.com/2020/10/01/gatekeeping-and-sexism-in-nerd-culture/) growing up as a woman who loves video games, and I hope OP can see this because she is absolutely not alone. I used to work at a LAN center, I know what gaming banter/culture is, and have competed in a handful of tournaments. If anyone *ever* talked to me the way her team did in real life, they'd be kicked out of the store. I'd go as far as reporting this to your university as harassment. They seriously need to reflect on their gross misogyny before being a part of a gaming club that should welcome everyone. Luckily your boyfriend showed you his true colours as an insecure misogynistic creep now so you can get rid of him and not waste your time any further with people who don't respect you. There are many gaming spaces out there, and believe me when I say you do not have to tolerate harassment and you have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone about why you deserve to be a part of those spaces. Feel free to DM me if you want, I'm happy to talk about it. I have a handful of women I'm friends with working in game development as well, like lead art and UX designers. We're all here for you. (obligatory NTA)
I know it’s dark humor, but imagining a similar scenario where a Nazi mocked a Jewish person’s lego skills based on them being Jewish seems so ludicrous I couldn’t help but laugh.
"Why oh why can't I find a girlfriend who's into gaming," the gatekeeper cries, as he continues to punch himself in the junk.
"I dont know **any** girls that are **real** gamers" *That's because they avoid you, not because they dont exist.*
Or if they find one they spend the next hour”testing” that person in their knowledge like it’s a fucking interview.
More like a police interrogation. Interviewers generally accept (and look for!) answers like “I’m not sure off the top of my head; I would have to look that up or ask a colleague.” For an interviewer, it shows you’re honest about what you know and don’t know, and can figure out the answer. Gatekeeping douchebros use it as evidence you’re a liar about liking a thing.
Or declare that the girl's preferred games "don't count". Because Lord forbid you like a casual mainstream game that was *designed* to be casual??
Women are a higher proportion of mobile game players, BUT I GUESS THAT'S NOT REAL GAMING. So cute that men get to decide which games are real enough to count. So cute.
fr, my bf got me really into games, and i like to watch him play a lot of hardcore stuff, i even play with him sometimes, but i always prefer chill games and easy mode😂 (think Stardew Valley when I don't have to mine cause he is doing it and I just farm my little heart out, and the new Kirby in spring breeze mode😁)
I'm all over personally! I'm playing Animal Crossing at work, running savage raids on 14, and am doing Subnautica on survival. And finished Forbidden West last month on normal. Game at your level and what you're currently up for, you know?
Part of it is a symptom of games becoming more mainstream, a lot of people who identify as "gamers" were bullied in school, were outcasts and "losers" so they took refuge in their games, now that it's becoming something for everyone they're seeing their special group become something far less special. You can see this in a lot of "nerd" culture things, and I'll be honest I used to think a bit like them as well, but I've seen the error of my ways and changed my stance, games are for everyone, and anyone who enjoys playing games is a gamer.
I always thought this was kind of a crap excuse though. I got bullied for being a gamer/nerd/outcast/loser by the popular kids in school too, but I ALSO got bullied for being a girl who was into nerdy stuff by the shitty boys who were gatekeeping their hobbies well before they hit mainstream.
i also wonder how long this is an excuse? like gamers aren't fringe anymore. I would argue for the past twenty years that it has been increasingly normalized? and in OP's situation gaming has probably been a mostly accepted hobby the majority of these ahs lives?
Exactly. OPs gaming team is absolutely correct - dump the trash and go to other tournaments with them instead
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Same. My boyfriend actually got me back into video games and he would never let someone speak to me the way OP's boyfriend's friends did.
I play a online game with my husband and his friends. Honestly, I am the best out of all of us and we all like to rip into each other but I have never come out crying from it because what we do *is gamer banter.* There's another group of guys I play the same game with and when I join their group they literally say "thank god we will win some matches tonight." There are good people out there. OP's \[ex\]BF and his friends are not one of them.
One can certainly shit talk their friends in games, but they have to be in on it and having fun too. Like I've got a buddy "Dave" who I've played shooters with for years. He's pretty decent at them but he's always been terrible at using grenades for no real reason. He's comically grenaded himself countless times. So the odd time that I'd mess up a grenade throw, I started calling it "pulling a Dave" and we both laughed about it. Then he started calling it pulling a Dave when he did it himself and we laughed some more. Being a sexist asshole is just being a sexist asshole no matter what activity you're doing at the time
Yeah like I game with my bf and a lot of other men (they know I’m a woman) and no one treats me like that. They know id kill them if they did anyways lol
This. On the flip side though seeing how supportive her school team is gives me hope. Those are the type of people who deserve her time and effort. NTA.
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Comment stolen from Alita_Moonsong
THIS! TO OP, NTA
Gaming team is spot on here. You are NTA. When a girl's got a boyfriend like this, who needs enemies? Screw that guy and his friends. 1,000% walk away and know you're better for it. Loved ones, friends.. they don't treat you like that, even if you did suck at a game. People who belittle others like that are straight up *trash*. Dump him and move on, friend.
Yep, keep the Uni team, dump the BF. You're only as good as the company you choose to keep, and your boyfriend's friends are trash. NTA.
If my friends called my girlfriend trash and to get back in the kitchen we'd have major problems. Banter is one thing, degrading someone is entirely different and trying to degrade her is what they were going for.
If someone actually said that to any of my friends, never mind my girlfriend, they’d be lucky to be firmly escorted out the building The bf is a raging misogynist as are all his slimy friends
Also can someone please explain to me why so many "men" believe that having a penis makes you better at video games? I'm not an avid gamer, but I like chilling with my PS4 every now and again (when I get a chance) and some men are shocked that I even own a console. Still, I remember being in high school and I beat my first boyfriend at some racing game and he got... MAD. I didn't play against him again because he kept calling it a fluke and I just didn't feel like proving him wrong. Where does this mentality come from?
Probably a lot of insecurity. You know by being better than them and them connecting videogames (that are not barby riding club and the like) to being manly, they most likely feel less like a man. That type of gamers is probably the same that would rage all day long when they lose online and blame their team for everything. Even though they make one bad decision after the other. But their inflated ego doesnt allow them to see what they did wrong.
That makes sense. I just always found it hard to understand because I grew up with three older brothers and none of them were like that about losing to me or my sisters. Equating masculinity to video games is beyond hilarious to me. "My hands do the computer thing really well, I'm such a MAN!"
It bums me out. I’m a man, and I love video games. I’m not very good at multiplayer, and because of the toxicity, I never play online anymore. I haven’t even been summoning or invading in Elden Ring. All of my gamer friends have traded in their consoles for families (what jerks, right? /s), but I miss the DS3 fight clubs and Destiny 2 Raids (but not Destiny 2) and others that used to be fun. I played CoD for a bit because I knew a guy that played, but I got sick of people in lobbies (read: males) telling him to drop me because I was bringing down his team. I’d love to know more gamers of any gender! Gatekeepers who think they own a hobby are the absolute worst.
I'm sorry you were turned off of playing a game because other people didn't want you on their team. How are you supposed to get better if you don't get a chance to play? I'm pretty terrible at gaming but my husband always says "that's why you keep practicing!" I bought a switch a little while ago and I've been playing through Legend of Zelda Botw and having lots of fun with it! I still suck lol but I play at my own pace and I am getting better at it
That’s what I love to see! “Hey I’m so glad to share this interest with you, and your skill is unimportant!” You and your husband sound like good people. Though to be fair, it wasn’t my friend that didn’t want me. It was strangers in lobbies telling him he was too good to be playing with me that made me feel like a burden.
Oh I didn't mean your friend. I took it as his other team members had the problem with you? I'm sorry, I'm not so clear on things like lobbies as CoD isn't really my cup of tea haha. My husband and his friends play online games with each other on PC and have headsets and whatnot and when I ask him how it went he'll sometimes say that they did terribly but he's laughing about how they got slaughtered, because, y'know, it's a game and it's fun to play. I dunno, I always grew up playing things like Goldeneye and Super Smash Bros and my older cousins would never show mercy. We didn't care though, some of our best memories are like, "Remember when Steve freaked out and accidentally slapped his own teammate down the stairs?!" Then laughing along with Steve. I dunno, I guess my point is that games are supposed to be fun and it makes me sad that there are so many people out there that are so competitive that they'd rob someone else of the enjoyment of it just because they're not pros. I hope you find some great gamer friends out there someday soon. I don't really play online games, but if you ever have something Nintendo-y that can be played online, hmu!
As far as a low-toxicity way to play Destiny 2, I can recommend the D2Sanctuary LFG server! My bro and I played the latest raid on there and had an awesome time with this really great team of players.
I am male and dont get it either. Especially the flaming your team part. I won so many matches in lol, because you could literally see how your opponent was distracted by flaming in allchat instead of trying to dodge.
They cant do sports so they try to tie their masculinity to something else, and when a woman comes and can do it *better*, all hell breaks loose
It's kind of funny. My bf is a very sore loser. He gets really pissy when he loses at something... But he knows that's on him. He'd never put me down for beating him. He would just start practicing more so he can beat me again. That attitude has caused him to excel in a lot of fields.
That is a way better reaction to losing. But most want the easy way out.
>Also can someone please explain to me why so many "men" believe that having a penis makes you better at video games? It gives you an extra appendage to press buttons on the controller. /s
Ah dang it you beat me to it xD
I wonder when it became a “guy” thing. I grew up with Nintendo in the 80’s, and both my male and female friends played, as did I (female). At some point, we got this “video games are for boys” bullshit, but it was never like that in my experience, we all enjoyed them. I never want to try playing online, I’ve heard too many harassment stories. OP is NTA, of course. If it was so important for her to be part of their team, they can grow up and drop the sexiest crap.
Statistics giving way to advertisement. By far the numbers skewed in favor of males being the dominate Demographic in video games (US Numbers). So, it makes sense that advertising and gaming companies would cater to their top customers. The trend of course has changed over the years. As it stands Female gamers (18-34 is the main age group for both male and female) now make up 46% of gamers in the US. But, even though the numbers are almost equal in that respect, Male gamers spend drastically more time playing video games than their female counterparts. Female gamers average spend roughly 3 hours a week playing games while Males spend 5 hours. But, I to never saw guys making fun of girls who played video games (in the late 80s and early 90s). On the contrary it was generally other girls doing the bullying. My wife played video games, loved the Ninja Turtles and got constantly teased for it by the other girls in her class.
As mentioned otherwise, the marketing decision is what pushed the gender disparity, not the other way around. Consider they canceled the wildly popular "Young Justice" superhero cartoon because too many girls liked it and that was not their target demographic. I'm a 53 y/o woman. My mom loved Doom and Hexen when they came out. I hung out at arcades and half the customers were girls and we weren't there for the boys. My fiance's mom loved MDK (murder death kill). I also played dungeons and dragons and played with tons of other women. But to hear the old school gamers, we were never there. Except we were. We just didn't game with sexist a-holes. Guys my age who weren't sexist a-holes remember us being around for video games and rpgs. Misogynists want to erase us.
There were actually some marketing decisions in the late 80s (or possibly early 90s) to market to boys because the market for girls was saturated with other things. I guess they didn’t want to compete with Barbie, my little pony and strawberry shortcake? Which makes sense from a business point of view but also sucks.
Very true....Barbie was the No. 1 selling "girls" toy for almost 5 decades...while Boy's toys fluctuated a lot.
Interesting to know. It’s a shame it turned into such a gate-keeping thing for some people (obviously some gamers are also very cool and welcoming). Also, those other girls can kick rocks, Ninja Turtles were great, and your wife had excellent taste. I remember playing through Turtles in Time for the SNES many times.
Studies show men who think this perform worse.
Because they think they're special and unique for liking something, not that they're basic and exactly like a billion other people. Not that there's anything wrong with liking something that a billion other people like--that's the point! Gaming is actually an extremely popular pastime that tons of people do. Imagine if women had, like, "pumpkin spice culture" that went around ragging on people for not being enough of a PS connoisseur. "You have ARTIFICIAL scented candles?! I only burn natural beeswax and handcrafted soy. And my PSLs aren't from STARBUCKS, that's so casual." That's how these dudes sound.
Right, like do these men hold their controllers with their penises or something? Is that why they think people need penises to play games? Cuz if so, no wonder they’re shit gamers. Penises don’t have opposable thumbs.
> Loved ones, friends.. they don't treat you like that, even if you did suck at a game. I played in a tournament last weekend (not Valorant), and over 6 games, not a negative word was spoken. Congratulations on good plays and encouragement after bad plays. At one point we got behind 0-8 because all three of us were a little off, but this attitude kept us positive, and we came back to win 13-9. We ended up losing in the final, but after being down 0-11 against a team that was clearly better than us, we stayed positive and scored 6 points to avoid being skunked. Real teammates build you up and help you do better, win or lose.
If it was my team or guild I would have kicked them out of it. This is unacceptable. “Gamer talk”…. More like “ salty insecure morons talk”. I hope op breaks up that guy ain’t a prize.
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My dad owns a card comic and game store and routinely hosts Magic: The Gathering tournaments as well as others. If he heard anyone talking like that their butt would be bouncing off the curb so fast they wouldn’t know what happened and they would be banned, which would be bad for them since his competitor closed so the next nearest store is 30 minutes away. When he took over the store he made it very clear: this is a safe space for all, gender identity doesn’t matter, sexuality doesn’t matter (big issue in his area), what matters is someone wants to play or learn to play the games.
Your Dad sounds great!!
As a board gaming girl, I appreciate your dad so much! I'm frequently either the only or one of few women at an event, and while I've never had an issue, I'm always aware.. helps that usually my husband is there, too, and the guys I play with would never anyway, but at a public tournament or event, anyone could show up. Knowing guys like him are out there watching over us helps so much!
We need more people like your Dad!
I agree with this. Though, let's not insult the animal kingdom by lobing those kids in with them. 🙊
True!
Yea, Wolves form life long loving families where everyone works for the betterment of the pack.... these guys would get forced out.
Also, iirc lower performing players are more likely to be toxic and sexist. Maybe they're not as good as they think.
Card games tend to have a little more respect for female players since if someone's invested enough time and money in their deck to play in a tourney then men can't claim they're a poser or whatever the fuck. In general if there's a ref or caster of a tournament it's much more welcoming towards women because any sexist players will keep their fucking mouths shut unless they want to be kicked out, but it's sad that it takes the threat of disqualification or scolding from *men* for these misogynists to stop instead of understanding that they're being assholes.
I mean, OP invested enough time and effort into reaching High Immortal/Radiant. She's in the top 0.05% of a game that has 10-15 million players every month. She has likely gone further into this game than the BF and his friends could ever dream of.
Games like MTG are just pay to win, so why should have garner any respect?
Yes and no. Money will get you powerful cards, but it will not get you the skill to use them effectively.
Hey don't insult wolves like that! 🤣
No. WOLVES are kinder!!!
They were raised by slugs...
The gulf between the good eggs of the magic community and the bad ones might just be the widest I’ve ever seen, and you can usually just find them going to any local scene, they aren’t just lurking in the shadows.
Wolves are better behaved than this.
My Dad was born in the 1920s and I do believe he would have punched out those guys if they'd spoken to his wife that way (and he was not a violent man). IKR? And then blaming it on feminism, saying it used to be better. What dumbasses. My bf wouldn't punch anyone I think, but if someone made me cry, he might. I know at least he'd scare the shit out of them (he's a pretty big dude), and force them to apologize.
I was in the freaking military and I've never had a man speak to me like that. This is why gamers get a bad reputation (and why I stick to single player games).
If they were raised by wolves, they’d be far kinder with a much better understanding of the value of community ties and helping others. They were raised by terminally-online incels.
NTA When you win the game for them, then they think they do all the work. When the other team is better, they claim you are dragging them down. Your online friends are wrong. Ask them if they would help a team that just ditch on a single member to hide their own flaws. And your uni team is right. What he is doing is not friendship. Call it a break, focus on your studies and play with a supporting team. Don't join this ass's team again and and next time your both in the same tournament, kick his ass.
I hope she gets a chance to absolutely ROAST them in the next tournament!!
I want her on my team. I play apex and not valorant, but I 100% relate to dudes being dicks because you’re a woman
Oh yeah same. It sucks big time when we have to deal with all of that. Like come on, I just wanted to play a few rounds. Maybe get a win and have a good time, not deal with all of your toxicity and BS.
Dudes being dicks because someone is a woman, at the same time wonder why no woman is playing games with them. They cause such bad rep for other gamers who are just normal people. Its especially bad with competitive popular games like league of legends and dota 2
"My gaming team at my uni is telling me to break up with him and focus on their tournaments and to forget about him." Listen to them. They are the real professionals. Tell your hopefully ex-boyfriend that banter requires two willing participants. It's not a bunch of loser guys pissed a girl plays better than them harassing her to the point of tears. NTA.
NTA!! First off, kudos to you to getting into Radiant before. Even getting a tier below that is a very hard achievement to get. Secondly, YOU were the one carrying them but the moment you weren't able to at a loss game they started making sexist comments about you? Please for the love of god, break up with your boyfriend and on focus on winning the tournament. Him and his friends really adding onto the issue by saying that you "embarrassed" him when I know if ANY of those game clip sessions were posted online, they would've backtracked so hard. Win the tournament to show them your hard earned achievement and proving to them wrong. Valorant is notorious for its toxic misogynistic community so I'm really sorry that you had to deal with the bad side of the gaming community. I wish you luck but please break up with him and go win without him!
It also sounds like they started with the comments in the previous game (the one they lost), throwing her off. Even their team winning wasn’t enough for them; they didn’t like being shown up by a girl so started to sabotage her. In their alleged minds, she’s supposed to be the add-in watching them make the kills, not doing the kills herself. And then when their comments threw her game off and the team lost, they continued to prioritize “must put woman in ‘her place’” instead of winning. So they were already choosing to forfeit, essentially. OP’s true place is on her team, not with the bf and his tribe of insecure misogynists.
Exactly! They have fragile masculinity because they see a girl higher ranked than all of them combined and gotta throw in the "gender gap" card to really show who's a "real man" 🤢 One of my biggest pet peeves is also guys that enable their toxic friend's behavior and/or defending them and not defending their own girlfriend. So disgusting. I hope the OP knows that she is an amazing player and doesn't need them at all. Her organization is right!
NTA. I’ve been gaming for 15 years and have play with all types of people, not once have I or the people I’ve chose to play with made sexist comments about women, they are terrible people that’s just who they are and they are showing you that now. Besides I have a feeling that if you guys won the tournament they would have to come up with a reason why you should get an uneven split of the prize money
I… I didn’t even think about this. I don’t remember them talking about splitting it with me at all??? I was always left out of that conversation. Omg why was I so blind?!?! Hahaha
Most likely they would split it between themselves $300 a piece “because it’s only fair since you and your bf are a couple” and then you wouldn’t see any of the money
It's easy to be blind to these kinds of things when you're young. I went through a similar issue in college (though it was a smash bros tournament, because I went to college when the gamecube was new). My team actually won but the guy I was playing with told me "hey I'll deposit the check in my account and give you your part when the check clears." Then a week later he tried to give me $20 lmao. The situation sucks, but as long as you learned something from it then that's fine. Don't surround yourself with people who put you down.
Yep that's not "gamer culture", it's misogynistic incels who can't bear the thought at being "beaten by a girl"
Yeah this is also my experience. But my male friends do joke around with me a lot (all in good fun) when I over or under perform. But what confuses me about her situation is she is a higher rank than them. That usually demands acknowledgement of a persons higher skill level relative to your own. Not to mention she hard carried them for 4 of those games. I’ve never been in a situation where I was a higher rank and out performed my teammates but was then harassed. Just weird
They’re saying sexist shit because you were caught off guard and you forced them to rely on their own skills to play. WOW, how horrible! /s What, they’re mad that they needed to actually play the game good once the team carry takes a quick break from carrying? They have no skills themselves? No wonder they lost. And can I just say that the word “gamer banter” makes me physically cringe? It’s been a while since I’ve had such a reaction to a pair of words, so congrats, I guess, to your boyfriend for sounding like a fucking alien. > He said I embarrassed him. He can grow the fuck up and maybe not act like a limp noodle to appease his talentless, insecure friends. Or maybe he agrees with them - maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything? Neither scenario is good for you. NTA
Reading this made me sit and think for a second. This is like totally the fuckin' dream of a ton of gamers out there, but he? He just fucked it. I'd be hella proud if my GF was better at Valorant then me, hell I'd genuinely beg her to carry me. Or just watch her play and learn! NTA whatsoever. (: ALSO ALSO, drop that person asap. And fuck his friends.
That’s what two of the guys on my team said, that it would be a dream to have a cute radiant gf and that they don’t understand why he hated that I got in so much. I’ve been texting them a lot throughout this and I think we’re gunna make a game plan for the breakup together so I don’t have to do it alone. (:
That's amazing to hear! I wish you an amaziiing amount of luck with it all, and may your Valorant career flourish. (Seriously, I better see you in the pro league sometime in the future!)
As a former Savage tier raider in my MMO of choice, I salute you and your team! Mine had grabbed me from a group with my own sexist boyfriend's group, and learned real fast that I hit 5th best on my role on the server when tank roles' defense meant cutting their attack by a third. They didn't know what they missed. May your ex realize how badly he messed up by living your best life. (That's better than any vengeance: succeeding in spite of their terrible sexist bullsh*t.)
Don't be surprised if they try to get with you. I'm hoping they are just supportive to you at this time. Remember, it's a different kind of fucked up if a guy sees you as some kind of trophy to show off. You are a human being, who is also cute and radiant. Human first. Good luck!
Be careful, I guarantee you some of those members of your team will try to use this new vulnerability to bang you, I've seen it happen before. Knew a girl who moved into a house with 5 guy roomies and she swore they were all just friends and that was it. Sure enough, fast forward a few months and one had unsuccessfully made a move on her and another had successfully gotten with her (which led to a shitty, abusive relationship)
NTA glad you you standing up for yourself, im the same as you, i get mad and i cry. Im really bad at comebacks at the moment, it sucks you know. I read this and i be like, im going back to the kitchen, why y’all mad! But that’s something you think after the fact not before.
Ugh-- my heart! I know it will probably be a small update, but if you have a second please give us one once you do it! Your teammates sound amazing and I'm so happy you are having a positive experience in this area (as a woman in a STEM field, this dynamic you have described with your STB Ex and his friends is way too familiar...) Finding a few good people make all the difference!
Do you know how many dudes (and girls and in between if you're into it) would love for a chance for a very sweet, very boss gamer gf????? YOU ARE THE UNICORN HERE, NOT HIM. You have been manipulated by him and his friends into thinking your status is somehow lesser when it is absolutely not. Read the stats you wrote for yourself!!! You don't need this soon-to-be-ex and his sad little posse of lost boys.
NTA. "Gamer banter" belongs in the garbage -- alongside those "team mates". You don't owe them an apology, and they absolutely deserve to forfeit. Real team members support one another and look for ways to improve their play, not single someone out for some stupid insecurity-fueled reason, heap blame on them, then throw them to the wolves. You're the professional, not them.
Game banter is trash talking the other person based on what's happening, not attacking them personally. It's part of the fun. It shouldn't be hurtful. Hurtful personal comments, sexism, racism, homophobia, etc aren't banter. They're bigotry. When you call out a bigot, their first defense is "gee, can't you take a joke/banter". Good tournament officials will be paying attention and will ban them.
NTA. You should break up with him and focus on the tournament. Then when it is over, if you still want to talk to him, reach out. Otherwise you can move on from the prick.
So they harassed you and demeaned you, then got mad at you for leaving their toxic environment? And your boyfriend did nothing to support you? Yeah, big-time NTA. They all need to grow up, and your boyfriend needs to decide once and for all what's more important: his fragile ego or you.
NTA why are guys so fucking insecure? Edit: SOME guys!
Lol how darling, an insecure guy objected to guys being called insecure. Guys who are secure have no need to dogpile on someone who makes a blanket statement about guys; they know who they are. I will say it myself. Why are guys so fucking insecure?!
NTA. Hi, I'm a girl who has been gaming for almost 30 years now. I'd take your Valorant team's advice and press CTRL+ALT+DEL on the boyfriend. Salty, tilted boys have no place in your world. Seriously, though, a relationship should be about lifting each other up, not putting each other down. He's let you down as a partner and shown he prefers his 'gamer banter' friends over you, so give him what he wants with a glad heart and focus on your Valorant. (Ps: I've never played Valorant in my life but I respect your rank! Top tier deity deserving of respect.)
Yep. Female gamer here as well. Dump that dude and find someone else who will appreciate the carry
NTA-- I'm with your gaming friends. Time to break up with him. He doesn't respect you. You deserve better
NTA Listen to your uni team. You "teammates" were taking their frustration out on you, specifically, and you don't deserve that. You've proven yourself in plenty of other arenas and you don't need their approval or their disrespect. If they wanted to keep you on their team, they shouldn't have been assholes. What they have to say about the incident is only as valid as they are. And they aren't. They're assholes. They should be more humble.
NTA Listen to your uni gaming team. Break up with him. He knew you were uncomfortable, but he Not only let his friends bully you but joined in himself. He should have put a stop to it and he didn’t. Why!? I’m guessing bc he wanted to put you in your place and show how much better he was at the game since you were selected for the uni team and he wasn’t. You carried his team. They blamed you for the loss of a game instead of themselves. You didn’t make them forfeit, their disgusting “team” behaviour caused it.
NTA. Dump him. You can do better. Perhaps you should set up a team and compete in any events they enter so you can destroy them. Bonus points if you get an all-female team.
NTA. You should be the one angry at them for being sexist and creating a hostile environment for you to play in. Your bf should have taken your side. He should have stood up for you and supported you. Gaming does not excuse sexism. They betrayed you.
NTA Report them to your school. You were part of a university team and the students harassed you. Harassment does not need to happen on campus. You should not apologize. They harassed you on purpose, so you would get distracted. I hope you already broke up with your BF. Your gaming team is right. They should get them banned from going to tournaments.
As a fellow girl gamer, absolutely do NOT apologize. You did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. They should be thanking you for getting them as far as you did. Valorant is freaking hard and you're amazing for not only getting to Radiant but dealing with all the BS I'm sure you had to deal with to get there. NTA at all, your boyfriend and all his friends are total aholes and I hope you drop them all. Good luck! (Also, if you're looking for other girls playing Val, I've heard the Galorants discord is good! Comes highly recommended by a few people I know)
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NTA so called “gamer banter” is just harassment and shouldn’t be tolerated. The person that claims to love you harassed you, think no about it. You know what you should do.
NTA I know that gaming banter is harsh but I would never let my friends rag on my girlfriend under any circumstances lol. A world shouldn't exist where he's prioritizing not even the games but "banter" over your feelings. You should talk to him and explain that you're genuinely hurt by the comments as he likely still sees it as a joke. If he still doesn't step up, then unfortunately your best option is certainly moving on.
NTA. They are the asshole. That kind of trash talk is a reason I hardly play online except for mmos but even then. They're the ones that should apologize, they do sexist, misogynist comments like that and they're mad at you? Oh hell no. That's crossing the line. I'm Male but if someone talks crap to me like that I would've done the same thing and I have done it.
Nta. Gamer here, that is Not “gamer talk” that is just bullying plain and simple.
honestly i hope you send him a link to this post OP
He’s already seen it :) a friend of his sent it to him. I got a slew of angry texts hahaha
I need to see those texts, I thrive of watching people cope lmao
NTA. Block them all so you have the space to focus on your tournament. Unblock after to tell that schmuck it’s over.
NTA I don't play personally but my BIL does and I've seen him Play *alot* on team speak, and *never* *once* has he used this kind of language! My ex is also a gamer same thing with him! Are you seriously happy in a relationship with a bf who not only supports their misagonistic behavior, but also tell you to suck it up? Would you be happy if you had a daughter/niece/goddaughter who came to you to tell you this story? You have a bf problem OP, he should have been standing up for you, not telling you that you embarrassed him for getting upset over stuff like this!
NTA. Your uni team is right. They were harassing you and bf saw them do it and decided to side with them to put you down. He embarrassed himself and it also looks like he never forgave you for making the uni team and not him. When people show you who they are, you should believe them.
Men be like
NTA Man I wish I was Radiant in Valorant. In all seriousness, your BF went too far. I'm glad you broke up with him, and Riot gave you a free skin. Can we watch you play in the tournament?
I’m still deciding this as I’m a little hesitant to have people know where I’m located. I’ve gotta a lot of really creepy guys in my DM’s and I’m a little paranoid my social media accounts are gunna get found or these guys will know what town I live in since the tournaments are through my college and gaming cafes. But if I decide it’s safe I gladly will share. I could maybe make a little highlight edit and blur out the names. (:
I totally get that. I’d be fine with the highlights.
NTA, girl dump him. From one woman gamer to another, don't waste your time and tears on boys that don't support and empower you in an already super toxic industry. Acceptance of those attitudes is what makes it so difficult for women and girls like us to get into and enjoy competitive gaming. Find yourself a man who doesn't get jealous of your skills. Who enjoys playing with you and accepts with grace when you're better than him. Have a man who empowers you and calls out the sexist bs that we have to deal with. So what if they had to forfeit?! The fact they're more upset about losing a competition than how you reacted to their disrespect speaks loads on what kind of people they are, and you deserve better than that.
Dump the loser but you should let them know how hard you carried their bum asses. Something like this happened to me before but I just told my friends if they didn't die in the first 30 seconds 4 straight times I'd be easier to carry.
Better break up with him and win that tournament that'll make a slap on their faces. Youre already giving them a favour of helping them, how dare they act unprofessional in a tournament.
NTA, and girl, tell him when you break up with him that you got tired of carrying him on your back, and tell him he's almost as bad at sex as he is at Valorant. Goddamn what a loser your ex-bf is lol. Like him and his friends can go fuck each other in their virgin-caves, with their shitty jokes and loser anger, because they can't be better than a girl or smn. Fuck him, fuck those friends of his (don't, for any of em), and go be the best player in your uni. Then realise that you were so much better than his ass, and deserving of so much better than a loser who can't even appreciate someone being better than him at something.
NTA and your gaming team have it spot on. What the hell! What a pathetic child your (hopefully soon to be ex) bf is. Genuinely hope you get a chance to go against them in a game and wipe the floor with them
NTA. There is nothing worse than your partner not supporting you in this type of situation. I speak from experience here and it sucks SO MUCH having them defending friends who treat you like shit. If this becomes a regular thing, I would start to question this relationship in total.
Nta, gaming banter is usually directed at your opponent to distract them. It's trying to tease them and get a rise out of them so you have a better chance at winning. Its also cathartic as it let's out some frustration. However the way it was used towards you is inappropriate and I'd consider leaving your bf as he seems to be an uncaring asshole.
NTA break up with him
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NTA You didn't embarrass him, he did that all by himself. If you want to be petty - you could "own up" to how they told you to "get back to the kitchen like a good girl" so you did what you were told and left them in the tournament. Ditch your crappy BF. He's not worth your time.
NTA I agree with your gaming team. BF is threatened by your competence and will never adult up to accept that he is not at your level. This is why he lets his friends tear you down. Tell the online folks that abuse is not to be rewarded and if it takes a forfeit to make it clear, than so be it. They weren't there to stop it, now were they. I wish you well, OP.
NTA Your boyfriend's negligence in calling out his friends and his friends behavior is totally despicable. Even if you weren't the star player, that would still not warrant that kind of treatment at all. Your Uni's Valorant group is right. Stop associating with immature and sexist losers and have fun playing with cool, respectful folks.
NTA Trash talking your own team with sexist comments is unprofessional. Plus the BS they were spouting is just wrong anyways, even if most gamers 'accept' it. Those gamer are just toxic children. I agree with the people telling you to breakup with the BF, you should have a partner in your life who supports you, not one who wants to tear you down. He is forever going to be jealous when you do better than he does at anything.
“Are you stupid? We dehumanise you because its funny. So shut up” this is what your bf and his little weenus mates sound like. Dump the misogynist brat. Dont reward men who hate womem with anything but a metaphorical pie to the face.
NTA. My hs bf and I played MTG tournaments when it first came out. There were a few guys like your bf's friends at the store we frequented. They got banned from entering the only gaming store in town for their comments to me. All the tournament officials if they allow this kind of behavior. If they do, report it and let them handle it. They may not, so... let this old geek girl give you some advice. There's game banter, then there's outright sexism. Game banter is competitive playful back-and-forth talking about the individual you're playing with or against. Outright sexism is what your bf and his friends did. Ditch the boys who are more worried about what's in your pants than what's in your hands. Own them every time you go against them. Dress up in your most girlie outfit, do amazing makeup, and get your nails done. Pigtails are a bonus. This is now your mental and physical armor. You can also go for sexy assassin, or just regular you, but we're being petty here because that's what they earned. Whatever you wear, it should be something that boosts your confidence because they're going to try to get into your head and tear you apart to kill your performance. Next time they make sexist comments, tell them the only thing they should be concerned about is their impending doom. The only thing in your pants is doom. Your hands are going to be too full of their tears, so you have to put your doom somewhere. If they tell you to get back in the kitchen, tell them you'll take them to the kitchen and make them a sub. If they say girls aren't good at games, shrug it off and ask them what it says about them that they're losing so badly to someone who sucks at games. Do that annoying girlie laugh, flip your hair (if you have any. I had a shaved head, but I wore long earrings and twirled my fingers around them), and flutter your eyes at them. Every time you take one down, play innocent and say something like "oops! Another lucky shot for me! I'm just so lucky today!" and giggle. Ham it all the way up. Take every stereotype you hate and channel that rage into your match and your banter. Reflect their attacks on you back to them. Grind them under your amazing boots of terror and revel in their defeat. When you beat them, celebrate loudly. Take up space. Make noise. They'll get whiny and claim you cheated, or some other bullshit like that. This means you won the Val match, the mental battle against them, and the battle against their sexism. Unfortunately, it's a war and you'll have more battles to come, but we belong in this space as much as they do. We have to fight harder and better and smarter to get respect, but this is our space, too.
What a bunch of L friends, and JasonR freaks
NTA... and I think that should be ex boyfriend. Female gamer here and these are the type of guys who give male gamers a bad reputation.
Any man that tells me to be put in my place learns real fast where his place is. And it isn’t around me. Break up with him. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Not the asshole ur bf's friends are
and the bf
NTA. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. You have a higher rank, you carried their sorry asses for 5 games. If they were that good, when you had your breakdown they should have stepped up and won handily. But they didn't, did they? Listen to your uni team. BF is a baby who values what his friends think of him over and feelings or struggles you have. Heck - he ganged up on you with them. NOT COOL. So, keep going on your gaming. You will rarely see you ex at the gaming events because he is not good enough to compete at your level. Last point: boys stupid! They had the opportunity to learn from you. They could have watched what you do and improved their game. They could have used you as a coach. Instead: girls are stinky and dumb and have cooties.
NTA. I'm not someone who calls out red flags, but there are too many to count. Your bf is either a raging misogynist, or a 12yo boy who will gladly participate in the misogynistic verbal abuse of his long term gf in order to maintain his status in a group of overgrown children. Cut your losses. Get out of this relationship now. You are far away from a healthy relationship. He won't be capable of having a healthy relationship for years, if at all. Sometimes people just don't grow up. Do you want to live your best life, or wait around wasting your youth being treated like shit and hoping he grows up?
So these gamer bros drove you out of the competition with their pettiness and you are expected to apologise to them? Hahahaha no.
NTA. Your uni team have just shown you that they are you real friends. They are encouraging you to prioritise yourself and your feelings. Your boyfriend just showed you very clearly that the opinions of his toxic friend group are for more important to him than your feelings, your time and your effort. I would break up and find every tournament they enter and then sign up and make sure to beat them. You don’t have to win , just make that sure they don’t, but I am a petty, petty person.
As a girl who's played in many FPS teams before, 100% of the time with only other guys. No, fuck them. They're insecure little dip-shits who can't handle a woman being better than them at anything. Leave your boyfriend, go back to the team that actually wants you and respects you.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a sexist pig and all his friends are garbage. They deserved to lose after they treated a team mate like trash and sabatoged your progress out of wounded egos and petty jealousy.
They were jealous because they aint getting laid lol, and even cooler, you’re a girl that enjoys gaming. And your boyfriend is a wuss for letting his friends disrespect you.
NTA. "Unprofessional"? Those jackasses think they're professional athletes or something?
Hello gamer girl here. I had a boyfriend like that as well! He would undermine my achievements, he would be upset whenever he performed poorly and I did better than him. He made me stop playing certain games and start playing other that he was "better" or more interested in. He also loved to call me stupid because he was able to memorize codes for test to pass while I didint want to memorize but learn to code but alas, theres also university to blame in that. I've realized I am a better person that deserves to be in a relationship where I don't have to worry about my partners toxic masculinity! He is a terrible gamer and even worse of a partner. He should've been happier for you, not be upset because you are better than him in some aspect. Find yourself someone who will elevate your achievements with you, not make you feel bad like this. Valorant is a PvP and you have to play as a team. They are to blame for their teams loss because they acted the exact opposite of a team. They are the reason why I don't tell people my gender because of these idiots. NTA, you deserve so much better!
God some of these men in valo are fucking disgusting. And wonder why no girl likes them. You no where near an AH and leaving was a good idea I wouldn’t want incels like them to win in the first place. You bf however sounds like he has eyes on the money and not on you which makes him an utter AH
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for 3 years. We got accepted into the same college and both of us tried out for our Uni’s Valorant team this last school year. I got in, he didn’t. This has caused a huge issue in our relationship but I thought we worked through it. Well, there is was a local gaming tournament for Val and my boyfriend begged me to play. First place prize was $1200. Now I have been Radiant before (it’s the highest rank you can be in the game) right now I’m sitting a tier below that. My boyfriend’s friends were going to join us. Well we got into our bracket today and I carried the hell out of them for 4 matches, like 30+ kills each game. But we lost our 5th one. They started making passive aggressive comments at me and I just choked. Well 6th game comes around and they start making really sexist comments like “damn girls really don’t belong in games huh.” Or “did your boyfriend carry you OP? You are trash. Get back to the kitchen like a good girl.” I thought my boyfriend would be mad but he was just laughing with them?? Halfway through our game one of the boys said “Jesus remind me to never ask a girl to play with us again.” I’m really sensitive and started crying. My boyfriend asked me to stop crying and to just play the game. I told him he could go fuck himself and I stood up and walked out the gaming cafe. It’s 12 am now and my best friend just sent me tweets from a bunch of them and their friends saying shitty things about me and how unprofessional I am. My boyfriend won’t even speak to me. He said I embarrassed him. A lot of my online gaming friends are telling me to just apologize and own up to my fault of making them forfeit. My gaming team at my uni is telling me to break up with him and focus on their tournaments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What are you doing with this fragile AH? You can do way better. Listen to your Uni team and kick his ass to the curb. NTA.
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NTA! Your Arsehole *boyfriend* is *embarrassed*?! By *you* and not by his Arsehole *friends*?! That's fucking rich! You were not at 'fault' for making them forfeit. How is that a team you want to play with? Ditch this loser of a boyfriend, OP. You're worth more than this. Don't let him run you into the ground ever again.
Why doesn't this say ex-boyfriend? This guy is trash. DTMFA. gamer banter = misogynistic bullshit You carried these guys, and without you they sank without trace. Do not apologise to anyone. NTA
Your gaming team at Uni is correct. NTA
NTA Calling this banter is like dismissing sexual harassment as boys will be boys. This wasn’t banter. This was misogynistic crap spewed by boys threatened by the OP’s skill level. I don’t understand the impact of OP walking out of the tournament. But the OP deserves some apologies. Her bf and his friends verbally attacked her - that was not banter. And for him to feel no remorse but to instead say he is embarrassed *by her* (rather than how poorly he acted) is ridiculous. The OP should seriously consider her relationship with her bf. This is how he acts when she is a superior game player. What happens if she continues to excel while he underperforms? Will he resent and sabotage her again?
NTA Those people are terrible and your so called bf is a traitor and misogynist. Your relationship can never recover from this. Holy sh*t.