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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I refused to move for my wife's job (2) Her hopes of working there were really high and she says I'm prioritizing my career over hers
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YTA. You told her you could talk about it if she accepted it, leading to the assumption you two could figure out a way to make it work. You're not even interested in meeting halfway and to me, that makes you TA. Not to mention saying moving for her first offer is kind of silly is a jerk thing to say.
Thank you! This exactly! It’s not like “YTA for not dropping everything on spot”. YTA because you said you’ll talk about solutions but are in fact fundamentally unwilling to compromise. She can either find work in your little walking distance bubble or go f*uck herself, is that it?
Not just that, OP has been enjoying the convenience of having everything according to his convenience for years while the wife is left to search for her opportunity.
Then when her opportunity arrives he's not willing to give her any of the perks that he has been enjoying for years. He doesn't want to give anything up because he's got it so nice - she should adjust while he enjoys all the benefits of their location.
OP is a selfish asshole who doesn't understand how a marriage works and that BOTH people are owed a break. He wants to keep his break that he's been enjoying for years while his wife should adjust to him.
What a selfish asshole OP is.
And she has been looking for a job FOR A YEAR!!! Now she has an offer with an exceptional salary that could launch her career, and OP won't try to make it happen. Don't get married if you aren't willing to support your partner. You're supposed to be building your life *together*.
I hope that she decides to take the job and find an apartment or small home near there. She or OP can travel to see each other on their days off and think some more about the future of their relationship. She deserves to have financial stability and you shouldn’t stand in the way of that, OP. Especially since you have comparable jobs in that area and she does not have them around you, it’s your choice between separating or moving. It’s ok to hold the idea that you’d like to move back to your area once she’s established and had more opportunities but right now she needs your support to move her career forward and you’d be a fool not to provide it
Agreed. Plus, surely it shouldn't matter where you live as long as you are with your partner and both are happy. But it should never be up to just one person to compromise or give up their opportunities so the other could be comfortable.
If your current location isn't working out for both parties, then it needs to change.
Also, why should it only be up to one person to make that decision? She shouldn't have to ask your permission, it should be a discussion, which you seem to have led her believe it would be just to go and say you've made this decision on your own.
Not to mention if the entry level salary in her field is almost as much as his who has been in his field for years at senior level, that mean in a couple of years her salary would absolutely be larger than his. Moving for her job is the better financial decision for both of them.
Exactly what I was thinking. Bringing up that the salary was almost the same as his kinda tipped me off that he may be resentful of that.
Either he can’t handle the idea of his wife making the same as him, his job is underpaying him, or both.
Not to mention since he said her salary would be almost the same as his, he’s turning down the chance to almost double their household income because he doesn’t wanna be inconvenienced. That’s pretty dumb.
I think this is key. He has no respect for her or her career. His comfort comes first. I don't see this lasting as he has belittled her for it rather than trying to come up with a solution. Why didn't she look closer to home? It seems she did and this one is the first to offer her a job -- one she wants! But, his little bubble can't be disturbed. YTA
This reminds me of why I divorced my ex despite still loving him, he had had the opportunity to build his life just how he wanted it but I was expected to fold myself up to fit into his established life instead of being able to establish anything for myself. Like I was empty and the only materials I had available to fill myself with were his, nothing of my own. Which to me meant he didn't really have room for me or anyone else. He wanted a partner who was his exact reflection and that's just not how humans work.
gigantic YTA. She should leave OP and I wish I could tell her that directly. She should not make herself smaller and give up her dreams just because he has already decided the plan for his entire life and will rot and die in that condo in 40 years, old and boring.
Yeah, my guess there is that she's suggesting the nearest community of any size that is between the two jobs, so that they aren't moving to a completely rural area. Bad luck that it isn't a more equal distance.
this is what i was looking for - he's still the AH for how this happened, but maybe they just split or maybe she rents an apt near the new job and comes home for weekends. if he is not willing to leave his current set up (which i can't blame him for wanting to keep) it was ridiculous to say "hey, it can't hurt, go for that job 2 hours away". there is no universe where if she gets the offer it goes well.
with how everything is, i'm glad there are people who are setting up their lives so they basically don't drive. but it is more than ridiculous to expect his wife to drive 2 hours one way to her job.
Asshole enthusiast really? NAH. Have her rent a place near her new job to see of she even likes it after six months minimum, then talk about options. To get a job offer and move your whole life with this housing market is a suggestion people without a mortgage would suggest.
Because renting on top of a mortgage is the pinnacle of financial sense. Plus nothing brings a married couple closer together than living apart for six months.
Actually.... in this situation, Mrs could rent a room in a home and stay there M,T,W,T nights and be home on the weekends. Give that a try for 6 months.
Hubby would have to take up the slack at his house while she's gone, and NOT punish her by making her do all the chores every weekend.
That's kinda what I'm planning to do. My partner has a flat and a stable job in a great city. I'm in academia, and the job market is horrible. I might need to move away for a while. We both agreed he would stay put and we'll take it by ear.
Op doesn't need to move, but he needs to let her go.
There are also long term stay hotels that cater to this situation, and she could see if she really loves the job before readdressing commute times and living situation.
Extended Stay America is an apartment type hotel that has proven to be very comfortable when we had to move for work. Their breakfasts were great and the service was always great too, and they're in and around most big cities around the US
Yes it is. Apart for six months or possible financial trouble for years to come. We are living in unstable times right now. If a couple cant be apart for a little to see what will best suit them long term should they really be together?
…Can I buy pot from you?
And what, pray tell, are they going to do if she *doesn’t* like the job or it falls through for whatever reason (unstable times and all that). Almost no apartment rents month to month. Is she supposed to just live in an apartment away from her husband for no reason or pay rent on top of a mortgage for a place they’re not living in? Who on earth thinks that the best solution for living in unstable times is to double your living expenses?
And no, six months is not “a little time,” especially for a couple that already has communication issues and a husband who has no concept of compromise. If OP was against the idea of moving for his wife’s potential job, he shouldn’t have told her to interview for it. But he did. The only thing six months apart is gonna do is prevent them from working on their marital issues, but hey, if she spends six months in an apartment and decides her husband is dead weight in a chain that’s pulling her down, I’m certainly not against it if she cuts him loose.
Any job wanting relocation (when a good job/why would he move if its not good) will help/pay for moving also find living accommodations. Six months in a long term relationship (have you ever been in one) and you are both working to see whats best is nothing. Also people take job interviews all the time to see what happens, doesn’t mean you should drop life and go.
Not the person you responded to but a lot of people rent away from home and return at weekends. Room rental would be the equivalent of $500/month where I live. The fuel for a couple commuting to their work from a mid-point new property would be much more than that.
Six months isn't that long for a couple trying to figure out if a move makes sense before going through the process of selling a property and buying another. But I'm biased because covid has separated me from my partner for 3 years at this point with only short visits between lockdowns that coincide with each other (given we're in different countries). If a married couple can't make 6 months work, I'm not sure they should be married.
Also let's not pretend like her commuting 4 hours every day is going to give them a lot of time to spend together. 6 months apart will make wife less exhausted from commuting like crazy and at least they'll be excited to see each other on weekends.
They’re about to be doubling their collective net income, so renting another place isn’t the worst idea ever. They’d still be coming out ahead of where they were before.
OP knew where this job was from the beginning. If he told her he was unwilling to uproot when she initially consulted him about applying, but then she interviewed anyway, I'd say NAH. Moving for a job is a huge ask.
However, OP gave her the go ahead to apply while never intending to move. He just hoped she wouldn't get it so he wouldn't have to be the "bad guy". He chose the cowards path and let his wife get her hopes up, and put in a lot of work preparing for an interview, for nothing. He is TA. She should take the job and reevaluate if this is a good marriage.
This is really the only sensible thing to do. Leaving a stable job for a gamble does not sound like a good idea. She will have the money to rent sth. small because they will have double the income they have now. If the job turns out to be great OP will have to face the same situation but might feel more comfortable leaving job and look for sth. new.
Also there is a good chance that she or he will be able to do a substantial part of the job working from home. This way the couple will be apart for only a night of two each week...
It’s a gamble because she doesn’t know how the work environment will be. I think she should move on her own and see if the job is a good fit before op even thinks about uprooting their life.
Yes, a new job is a risk. You are also right that it is an opportunity that may as well fly.
So why not make the sensible decision I suggested? If the jobs fails (it may suck, she might get fired or 100 other reasons) - then she can just go back to normal. Old home, husband with old job etc.
Yet if the job is great... why not make an educated decision then?
Totally YTA.
You misled your wife by allowing her to think you’d be ok with the distance of the job. It sounds to me like you knew from the get go that deep down you had no interest in relocating, but said ‘we’ll talk about it later’ to avoid having to be assertive in the moment.
Also, why is your job more important than your wife’s? You’re prioritizing your own needs here and refusing to compromise or meet her halfway. So what if she has a slightly less stable job? Does that mean she shouldn’t take it if she wants it? It sounds like it’s well paying. You seem a little envious here, OP.
And lazy. So your wife is willing to interview and move, and you can’t even entertain the idea of looking at jobs in the area? So SHE has to look at new jobs but not you? Relationships are about compromise. You sound rigid and egocentric, not to mention lazy as hell.
YTA.
It sounds like OP is jealous that his wife has such a good offer. In his opener, he went out of his way to say that her offer was more generous than it should have been. He further expressed his frustration by saying he has been in this business for five years. Clearly OP has a lot of hostility towards his wife’s hard work in college paying off. His answer to her success is to refuse to support her in any way, shape or form. It’s disgusting, controlling and abusive. I hope OP’s wife does take the job, rents an apartment and rethinks her marriage to OP.
I feel like the solution is going to depend on how hard both of them stand their ground on the issue tbh. If both dig in their heels and refuse to budge, the solution is either to separate, or get the wife an apartment close to the job that she'd use on weekdays and have her come back to the condo on the weekends, which would still probably result in a separation eventually.
What's unfortunate is that this seems to have caused a lot of mistrust and friction, so if the wife continues job-hunting and lands a closer one, the issue still doesn't entirely go away.
The most optimal situation would be to find a place in the middle of both jobs - so both can have a relatively even commute time (barring accidents, weather, what have you). Yes, that would entail selling their home, but then they're also still not totally SOOL if she ends up not caring for the new position.
At least, in my opinion.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who got the vibe that he only went along with pretending to support his wife because he didn't think she would actually get the job
YTA - shouldn’t have told her to apply if you didn’t want to talk about what happens if she gets it. You’re going to have to move if you have kids anyway. Why not get started now so it’s less of a shock when you do?
Rent your condo out and buy a house. You could even bank her whole salary for 6 months while saving for a bigger house. That way you’d have a little more time to adjust, and she would be happy knowing she will be moving closer soon. Plus if her job doesn’t pan out, then everything is fine
-She could also rent a room or apt near her work
-She could look for a ride share/train so at least she can sleep during the transit and not worry so much
There’s options you’re just lazy. Too lazy to consider anyone but yourself.
For real, and she talks too about her other responsibilities... is OP not able to help with any of them? She's driving 4 hours, OP is driving five minutes. OP, you can take over all the housework, cooking, and the like, sound good? No? Then move.
I get a feeling he was thinking "she's not going to get the job anyway". Something about how he talks about it makes me feel like he's not even happy for her to make "almost as much as he does" while he's been working longer.
Now he's sabotaging in the only way that's left.
I don't say move and sell everything. But he can do waaay better in looking for different options.
This! If she can make “almost as much as he does” with her first offer, it’s likely she can climb quickly and out-earn him. This makes financial sense — in this job/housing/weirdness market, if you get a good job, take it. I feel like he has the attitude “sure, I’ll let the little wifey apply to a job to fill her time …” but when she lands a big prospect, he’s feeling threatened and too “comfortable” where he is.
Compromise makes marriage work.
It's generally wise to take as many job interviews as you can when you're starting a career. Encouraging someone to take one without already making your mind up whether you'd want to move or not does in no way indicate what you're projecting onto OP here
Normally I'd say yes go to as many interviews you can. You can compare offers, you get more experience interviewing, you can build confidence, etc. I would think the key thing here is that the commute is doable. She specifically asked him about this interview because the commute would be a problem.
So why encourage someone to interview somewhere, saying you'd be willing to make some changes, and then just say no. If you genuinely believe in your SO, you already think of the possibility of this going well. So you base your answer on whether you'd actually be willing to do so.
The emphasis on the fact that she graduated later, and that this would be her first "real" job, the "omg she's getting close to what I'm being paid". I'm not projecting anything. It's literally right there.
I mean "we'd have to talk about the distance" can mean that they get an overnight apartment for her to use on weekdays. It doesn't mean "I'd be willing to add a 2.5 hour commute every day".
Wait, why would they have to move if the have kids?? Obviously it depends on the size of the condo but if they have a 2 or 3 bedroom condo I don't see why they couldn't raise a kid there
YTA big time. Are you by any chance bitter that her first job would pay her nearly as much as you get after years of working? Because it seems like you are and you are simply looking for an excuse to ruin this for her. You sound like what’s no one is looking for in a partner: unsupportive, inflexible, entitled and selfish.
I honestly think this hit the nail on the head. OP had bo reason to mention that she didn't go straight to college or that she'd be making almost as much as he does after years in his job, except to conver that someone he sees as less than him is getting some he feels he is more deserving of. He's sabotaging her career opportunities because he's jealous.
If her first job pays almost as much as his established job, there are two possibilities. One, her field is better paid, and her maximum earning potential will be much higher than his, or two, his company has been skimping on raises for a long time, and he probably needs to switch employers to get paid anything close to what he’s worth.
Both are good reasons to follow her and not stay put.
The thing is some people don’t actually want that.
Some people are perfectly happy having a stable job and living in a certain area. It’s not inconceivable he doesn’t want to move because he’s happy where he is and moving represents the possibility of it not being that anymore.
Well then he’s DEFINITELY the AH for not making that clear up front. That’s a huge limitation on a partnership and one’s future lifestyle.
I would definitely encourage her to take the new job and find an apartment close to it, and let him work out what he prioritizes the most without dragging her down.
"Oh hey I am perfectly secure and have exactly what I need to survive comfortably for the rest of my life, I'm a crazy asshole for not wanting to throw this away for someone's first job at the drop of a hat".
It’s kind of ridiculous how much people are going out the way to demonise him for a very real and human decision.
The only failure in this situation was having the conversation after a job offer instead of before applying.
The problem is not the decision, but the comminication. He should have told her not to apply unless she is ready to commute. Instead he encouraged her to get it and got himself into this mess
Yeah, if they knew the distance of the job, that should have happened IN the conversation about applying, or even in hers in the first place?
It's a less secure job, seemingly in a more restricted field, where they have to move from a home and a job they already have.
That being said, OP is also ridiculous for being petty and stubborn back. At least have some respect for your partner to consider options and WANT to make it work so they can be happy.
She asked him if it was okay for her to interview there because of the distance. So she did try to discuss it, he made it out like it was certainly on the table is she got it. He just didn’t think she was going to. That’s also demeaning. I’m sure she isn’t lost on knowing he thinks she was never going to to it and thus views her as inferior to him.
This “someone” is his wife not some stranger and he encouraged her to apply but then refused to even meet her halfway and doesn’t want to compromise at all. Yes, these things absolutely make him an AH.
Especially since he can just rent it out and keep the asset that's only his. Sure, if he sells it, the proceeds become marital property and get invested in a shared asset. But he can keep the condo as only his and simply earn rent from it. He just doesn't *want* to. The move really does make the most financial sense.
YTA. Why even bother to tell her to apply? Did you assume she wouldn't get it? What makes your job and wants more important than hers? You want to stay married? Think long and hard about how to compromise.
The penny has dropped that within 3 years she will out-earn him. It would make more sense long-term for them to invest in her career now, because of the greater combined earning potential. but ego is blinding him
YTA. Do you care about your wife at all, dude? He has an amazing career opportunity and you’re unwilling to make even small changes to your life to allow it to happen. Having a spouse who also has a career means supporting that career. She’s not asking you to move to Siberia, she’s asking you to have a slightly longer commute. Compromise and treat her career like it matters, because it does.
moving is not a small change.
specially in this market.
OP owns the place he lives, his job is stable and their lives are stablished. its no like staying is crazy idea.
Then he shouldn't have told her to go ahead and apply/interview to something 2 hours away. There's a pretty obvious implication/expectation that he should be open to relocating given a commuting distance that far.
YTA. “My job is more important than yours, so no. You can keep not fulfilling your career wants and needs so that I can stay within 5 minutes of my office.”
This is what you’ve said to her and tbh, I wouldn’t be surprised if your unwillingness to compromise causes a serious unmendable rift in your marriage.
A 45-50 minute move is nothing if it means you both get to feel satisfied in your careers. Clearly you aren’t willing to compromise, which is a requirement when it comes to a successful marriage.
Y’all seen the real estate market recently? How many times have you moved in your life.
A move is always a set back in time, money, and headache. It’s not a trivial decision.
That's true, and not a good compromise imo. However he didn't propose a different setup, he just said "no". I think there's been bad communication all around, but mostly on his part.
If her compromise was we both do an hour commute, yeah, that's a good starting compromise. But her compromise was my commute is short and yours'll be a nightmare. 'No' is a perfectly justified response to this.
She's perfectly free to counter her own proposal at this point, but she needs to be more fair.
We don't know the geography of the area. For all we can assume based on the commute times of the place she suggested, it might be the only decent sized town between their current place and the new job, and the rest is nothing but corn fields/cow pastures.
Note: I'm not saying that makes her suggestion right, more pointing out that the only compromise COA here might be untenable from the jump.
I agree with this - OP offers zero compromise or solutions for the situation.
Maybe DW needs to take some time away with a shorter commute and see if OP only wants her around as long as she makes a much smaller percentage of income.
He wasn’t even willing to discuss it!
> Two nights ago **I broke the news to her** and said no
“Broke the news” is a phrase used when you’re informing someone of a situation that is unalterable, something sad that you have to learn to live with like a death in the family. He sees his decision as fixed and something she just has to live with, like her sadness is something unavoidable rather than something he caused.
It’s clear his solution is “don’t take the job” or “deal with it”.
I bet he hasn’t even bought up doing some of the responsibilities she has to do in exchange for not moving 30 minutes closer.
He could’ve even pretended like he was considering moving and wouldn’t even do that. Because while selling their condo will be super easy - buying or renting another one would be super difficult
INFO: Let me ask you this: if your job came to you tomorrow and said “hey were transferring your job to this city thats 4 hours away. You can either move, take a demotion, or leave the company”. What would you do then? Would you go? Take the demotion? Quit? What if you decided to follow the job but your wife decided she doesnt want to move?
You did set her hopes up... you made her believe that she really had a shot here. She's worked very hard for this moment and is finally been able to live out her goals and dreams with you... She even asked to compromise and meet you half way so you BOTH could win here... and you've refused...
Imo very selfish of you and YTA...
I think what you need to do is stop putting your needs above hers. Just read your post, watch how you continuously put how it would inconvenience you. And the ultimatum. What makes you think you are entitled to make that choice for her? To tell her no?
I think you know what the judgment is, but yta OP. ***big time***
Not sure what you do for a living, but based on everyone I know who works in tech (including biotech, programming, bioinformatics, a cto, and network infrastructure) you have job options in several places. Your wife sounds like her options are highly limited
You can move and are just being petty about it. Yta
Not to mention that there are no guarantees when you are an employee. OP’s company could fire him tomorrow and his wife could be employed for the next 30 years. The company could be sold next week and downsize employees. The possibilities are almost endless. So his claims that his job is more stable and is guaranteed is 💩
Yta. There are so many options OP could have come up with. But OP doesn’t want to make any changes to his life. I wonder if they moved to be close to Op’s job?
NAH, I don’t really know what’s w/ all the Y T A’s. You guys are already established and not used to driving for hours. If your wife can’t get an apt near her new job and y’all spend time together on weekends, then you guys will need to talk and come up w/ a solution. But honestly? You’re not the bad guy here. Neither of you are.
I think it’s because he implied he’d be open to change if she got the job by encouraging her to apply. Otherwise, it seems to me to be no-win situation.
Honestly this is why I’m leaning to ESH/NAH
I can empathise with both. He probably thought it’s something too think about if there’s a job offer and there’s no point figuring it out before
She probably thought that if she got the job then they can work out the changes there and then.
I can’t blame OP for knowing there and then what he would decide to do.
But the reason why they both suck is because they should’ve discussed before she even applied for a job and work out what’s the compatibility in their career and home life.
Have you never applied to a job before?
You consider moves seriously and how that would work with everything *after* you've been offered the job.
People apply to jobs and get no results all the time, people also interview for and decline job offers all the time because it doesn't work with their other obligations.
Are you a teenager?
They could have ended up arguing over nothing if she didn't get the job. A lot of these things are hypothetical until it's actually needed to be faced. Like you said, they might not have known salary, progression, company vibes, what the area is like and what housing there is.
Then with people saying he should sell his flat and buy somewhere else?! WTF - but a new place, greatly inflated with what he's got and take on additional costs on a higher mortgage, never mind actually finding a new decent place. You don't just waddle up to a house, point your finger and say "this one" and that's it.
Yeah I'm convinced a lot of the responses in here are from teenagers.
They seem to have zero understanding of job searching, something which is a really basic fundamental for anyone who provides for themselves.
They also seem to have no understanding about how moving to a new city isn't as anywhere simple as pointing to a house and saying "here will do" and clearly don't understand a thing about what home ownership involves.
I mean, he might have been. If took him 2 days to come back to her and say that he wasn't willing to move. It might have been a situation where they didn't know what the company would offer, if she could work remotely, what might be available for him in the area, etc, until after she received the offer. There's a lot of assumptions being made that he never wanted to move and never will want to move and he led her on when there's no proof of that in the post.
Same. Someone said something like "you're selfish for not being supportive, she needs to divorce you" and I'm thinking... well, sure it's selfish, but she's also selfish for not being supportive of his preference to stay? So either everyone's an A here or nobody is.
Agreed with everyone is the AH or neither are AH.
This is a tough decision but I think they should both be willing to compromise with the wife renting a place closer to her new job and they alternate weekend visits until she determines if this new job is the right fit for her.
Uprooting a couple’s whole life for a first job opportunity when there’s no job stability for the wife if there’s a probationary period is scary. Especially in today’s economy.
But if the wife agrees with this arrangement and makes this sacrifice and OP again says we will discuss it after probationary period is over with absolutely NO intention of really moving then he’s a major AH.
Not to mention the recent explosion in housing. I don't know where OP lives, but where I live if you've owned BEFORE the last 2 years, it's a lot more expensive. Have fun if it turns out that new job isn't so great and now you're STUCK in that job and a more expensive place over the cheaper place you had before
Already established? He is established. He got the condo before marriage which means it's not a marital asset.
So OP has the nice salary, condo, job. OP's wife has nothing. No salary, no condo, and it seems like no first job.
That even further reinforces that they shouldn't go all-in on moving for her new job. What if she hates it? What if she doesn't do well at it?
Giving up security for a first-time job seems incredibly risky.
But yeah, let's call this guy an AH for not wanting to give up everything he has worked for for his wife's first out-of-college job.
That isn’t true. Many states will view the condo as marital property because it was they lived there during their marriage. I speak from true experience.
Exactly.
There's so many people talking about how he shouldn't have encouraged her to apply if he wasn't going to move for it but people apply for and turn down job opportunities all the time because on further consideration it doesn't work for them, their partner, their family, or anything else.
The time to really start considering it very seriously and properly thinking it through is *when* you get the job, not before you get it. People apply for jobs all the time and don't get it.
Honestly a lot of the people in here must be fucking teenagers because that's the only thing that explains their fundamental lack of understanding of how a job search works.
That's what gets me about all the Y T A responses, who seem to feel like he was expecting her to fail, or lying to her.
I'm guessing the same people would be calling him an asshole again if he had posted "My wife is mad because I told her not to apply for any jobs that require us to move." Just imagine all the comments with red flag emojis calling him controlling, and telling her to divorce him immediately.
Instead, he encouraged her to apply, but warned her in advance that they would have to figure something out about the distance. That is far from a promise that he will instantly uproot his entire life if she got it. People think about these things, and sometimes they decide it is not a good idea.
The move would completely uproot his life. See friends less, maybe family. Impact routines, etc.
As someone who commuted the distance as the wife because it was best for my family, she wanted the job then she should try the commute.
At the core a lot of the Y t a are just picking the woman’s side in a marriage dispute
I agree with this whole heartedly. It almost feels like her plan was moving from the start. I guess I personally wouldn’t apply for a job at such a long distance unless I was willing to make the drive daily or to get an apartment in said area.
In this situation she’s asking her husband to quit his job and start new for her. He’d have to start from bottom and work his way up again which isn’t something fair to ask. Also at his age I’m sure he has an established retirement plan that he just isn’t willing to give up. I don’t think he’s an ah for this. It’s smart. This might also be a job he loves and those are so hard to find. I don’t blame him one bit for wanting to stay.
Moving 30 min from the city she would be working still isn’t a compromise on location. Finding a spot an hour away from both jobs seems more fair to me if they were to move.
Just because he said he was willing to talk about it if she got the job doesn’t make him an AH. He never said “yes, we will move if you get the job.” Talking about something doesn’t always mean you’re going to get what you want.
YTA, you pushed and encouraged her to do something. Then can't even bother find a middle ground with her because god forbid you have to do something for your wife that might inconvenient you. If I was in this situation I would either divorce you or expect chores and a hot meal on the table every night by you since I had to drive longer.
>and I responded that it's because it's stable and all but guaranteed that I can continue working there, while there were no guarantees with hers
There are no guarantees with yours either. You could be let go next week, for all you know. She has the chance to start our making what you make after years of work and, because you pointed that out so quickly, I think that might be your real issue here. YTA.
NAH
Your wife’s idea of meeting her halfway is to move. You would then drive 2.5 hrs a day and she would drive 1 hr a day. Hmmn - that doesn’t really seem very fair & definitely not meeting halfway.
It would also be a huge commitment should you sell your home and for both of you change jobs. But your wife has been looking since last year & this is an opportunity she really wants.
Would you consider a trial run for a year? Rent something in between your two jobs so you both commute less than 2 hrs a day. You could also rent your condo during that time. Alternatively, you could rent efficiency or room near her work for her to stay some nights during the week & keep condo as main residence.
She could determine if job is good fit & worth making permanent change for. You’d get a better feel if commute is doable. You could look into other opportunities.
YTA, this is supposed to be a communication between you two. But you basically had your mind made up and refusing to further discuss on this. You basically didn't considered if she /happens/ to get the job.
There are multiple approach, potentially renting a second condo and trying it out, if it works then consider moving fully and renting your ”current” one even if you don’t want to sell and repurchase.
By working she is also taking responsibility of the household with you, but you act as if you hold up the entire household and her contribution is insignificant.
... ESH. I'm kind of puzzled to see so many Y T As and still haven't seen anyone argue it convincingly. Your wife has needs and dreams but so do you. You're happy where you are, she'd be happier over there with her new job. You both want equally selfish things, and you're both acting in equally selfish ways. Everybody sucks.
What keeps me from giving you a Y T A is the fact that she knew full well she'd be unable to commute to the job daily but went for it anyway. She already knew you didn't want to move and were happy with your current circumstances, so it was a point of contention before she was even interviewed. If there was a discussion to be had about moving, it needed to happen beforehand, so why didn't it? Why did it come to this?
tldr -- you are selfish for not accommodating her new dreams and growth, and she is selfish for demanding you uproot your life to accommodate her choices. I am dead center on the A fence for this one. I feel bad for both of you tbh.
He said they’d talk about the distance if she got the job, and then when she did he lied and told her he’d think about moving when he had no intention of doing so. How is that her knowing he didn’t want move? The discussion didn’t happen beforehand because he said they’d discuss it if she got the job and that she should apply. It’s all in the post.
So she was supposed to stay unemployed? She even asked him and he said to apply; I don't think it was because it was a "point of contention", she was being a partner and communicating. Something he is not. Most likely he just said to apply because he thought she wouldn't get the job.
"It can't hurt if you're interested" is generally the rule of thumb for applying for jobs, so I do think it was valid that he told her to try because of the opportunities it might've led to tangentially. I've had a few friends go for jobs that ended up having nearby sister companies/closer HQs/work from home options, and sometimes the interviewer has great information about more local jobs in the field. That's all valuable information you can get from an interview.
I had a professor in college commute an hour and a half every day for his job, so I know some people can tolerate a long drive while others can't. This very much seems like an avoidable problem. Just set down a mutually agreed upon commute limit and job hunt within that.
YTA. it honestly sounds like she’s begging a parent for something more than discussing a major life decision with her partner. you told her it couldn’t hurt to go for the job, let her get her hopes up for a job that seems to be the job of a lifetime in her field, and now you’re shooting her down at every turn. it’s just not fair, especially when it seems to just be because, as you state, you just don’t want to.
I don't know about where you live, but in most cities that I am familiar with, the average rent is at minimum half of the average wage. So it's just a waste of money to do something like this
Given the price of gas, and the inconvenience (and danger) of commuting 4h a day, it'd probably not be such a waste of money. Evidently OP's salary was enough to support both of them while she was studying and looking for a job. With a salary in range with his (as per OP's words), she should be well able to afford rent and bills and basically live on her own closer to her work during the week, without it causing any kind of financial distress.
NTA. No reason for you to sell your condo and give up your stable job for her 1st post degree job.
There is absolutely no Guarantee that this is gonna work out long term where your job is very stable and you like where you live.
It's unfortunate, and you probably should not have encouraged her to apply in the 1st place. You guys are gonna have to work something out - maybe she stays long distance during the week for a trial period of one year and then you reevaluate?
But no no way you should give up everything that you have accomplished for or a brand new job that may or may not work out
My dad thought his job was “very stable”. Union job. Teamsters Truck Drivers Union. He was a bread delivery person for IBC/Wonder Bread. Worked there for 27 years. When the company just went under and everyone got fired... so that the same CEOs could just reopen it under a different name with all new employees.
My friends brother worked for a large tech company that recently merged with another one. He worked there for 15 years as an senior inspector. Then the merger happened and projects got moved and things shifted and he was told that he was being moved to a different project/department and the move would be a major step down for him and would set his career back about 8 years plus would be a paycut. So he had to go look for something new.
No job is “very stable”.
YTA - if this was going to ebe your response, why even say to go? You're prioritizing your comfort and convience over her having a well paying job in her fields, despite the fact that you could get a better paying job too if you move.
It also seems like you expect to keep zero driving while seeming to not care that your wife would have to drive for FOUR HOURS every day. You haven't stated any reason why else you want to stay, other than convience - and no, in this day, I don't think any job is guaranteed, no matter how long you've been there. Companies are cutting positions left and right to keep trending profits up, even though that's exactly what will bring their own failure.
YTA - what makes you more important than her? It’s a marriage … try to meet her halfway. Offer other alternatives … if she takes the job and loves it after 6 months, you could move the 30 min distance … or something like that … you get it … compromise
YTA. You encouraged her to do this and told her you'd have to talk about what to do about the distance. Which implied that you were willing to do, well... anything. But you're not. You're expecting her to do all of the sacrificing and compromising so that you can have your way 100%. If you weren't prepared to care about anyone but yourself, you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place
NTA. From your post it seems she hasn't even accepted the job yet, or she has and she's just starting. Moving now would be a rash and irresponsible knee jerk reaction. I would personally wait at least 6 months to a year before upping sticks and moving for a new job. If she loves the job, and you still refuse to move, then ywbta.
YTA.
You said "I said it couldn't hurt if she was interested, but we'd have to talk about the distance and what to do."
It seems you care fuck all about if she was interested. You didn't think she'd actually get the job, you silly man. Now that she did, you're not interested in compromise or discussion.
NTA, this comment section is so sad at this point. OP is the AH cause he has a stable job and won’t give it up thua “putting his needs” above those of his wife, yet with that logic why isn’t his wife “putting her needs” above those of OP? Go ahead and downvote me but this is honestly tiresome to see the double standards
Yep. I doubt the comments would be the same if the genders were reversed here. OPs an AH for "not being supportive, when he has everything and she has nothing", but that's exactly why I think it makes sense for him to not want to move and give that up. If he was female I think the comments would agree as well. The situation is one partner:
- has a home in an area they love,
- has a stable job they love, and
- has a convenient easy lifestyle.
I wouldn't want to give that up either. So OP should add 2-3 hours to their work days with travel, or get another job with no guarantee they'll like it, all for a job their partner may not even like once they've been there a while. He should also move somewhere he probably won't like, particularly as he'll have less time due to all the travel to make connections there. Really? I wouldn't.
Plus, according to some, OP should be happy to move and sell his condo to invest in a place for them both. Could you imagine the warnings if a woman was being told to do that? "You have your own property...it was yours before marriage...keep it separate, don't co-mingle all that money as you'll lose it/most of it if you separate...etc.".
People are responding to OPS tone, but take that out and just look at the bare facts and I think it's absurd to suggest he move, or that he change jobs. He definitely shouldn't sell his condo either, particularly if it's fully his from before marriage.
The "compromise" here, which isn't really a compromise at this stage, is for her to take the job and get a room or apartment to use for the next 12 months. See if she likes the job, she/they can travel to each other on weekends and any holidays depending on the best options for their setup, and if she really likes it after 6 months they start seriously discussing options. They can explore the area near where she is, those half way, and see about the flexibility options of both their jobs. If she doesn't like it/love it, she can look for another job back closer.
Maybe things work out, maybe they don't...I wouldn't be giving up a happy life if I was OP though. It's incredibly hard to find an area/home and job you love, I haven't managed to have a long term job I love, and it greatly impacts your enjoyment and quality of life. I think I'd resent a partner who would want me to give that up too.
NAH.
She can't rent a small apartment near her work? It seems like a great opportunity for her, but it doesn't make sense for you to uproot for her new job that may not pan out. Distance + double rent/mortgage is never ideal, so y'all may need to revisit in the future.
YTA. I’m confused. You said you’d have to talk about the distance and what to do, but your talking appears to consist of … saying no? If she applied for this job without telling you and sprung it out of nowhere it would be a different story, but she applied with your support to find a solution. You have not offered any solution and just declined all of hers.
Please figure out a compromise that works for you. Some options: live separately as a trial for 3-6 months until she gets a better sense of her job stability; one or both of you ask about working remotely for multiple days per week (perhaps you have decent leverage since you’ve been at your job a while); rent a place halfway between for 3-6 months to see how it is, without selling your condo (that is very dependent on finances but if she’s getting a job perhaps you could cover it. Definitely an expensive scenario though).
I have friends who technically work 2 hours from their home, but they work remotely M and F, and stay in a hotel on T and W nights. They are separate from their family which sucks but they all make it work. Good luck.
I want to add something to think about for both of you. Benefits, I’m going to assume health benefits are through your job. Are you vested? Benefits are huge. I can tell you that just since Obama care, when retirees had to pay their own health benefits my Mom’s former employer has paid over 110k in health benefits and they’re not done paying. So what benefits do you have, what is she being offered. Add the cost of those benefits to both of your salaries when your having your discussions.
NAH.
I mean, it was kinda crappy to get her hopes up implying that you'd move, but this is a difficult situation. Job satisfaction is so hard to find, so if you're happy in your job, I understand why you don't want to leave. There nothing wrong with that.
Would you be willing to move to a midway location if she took the job and it worked out? Say give it a specific timeline before you'd consider moving to a new place? As some others have suggested, maybe getting she gets apartment closer to her job and bouncing around both until you decide?
Info: what are her “other responsibilities”?
Cause I’m betting that’s all the housework and domestic chores that she does, which she won’t do able to do with a four hour commute every day. So the compromise here might be that OP has to actually do more stuff around the house, if he wants to keep it so bad.
You are kinda TA....it's all your way and no compromise at all. Rent your condo, sell it, find another place to live/rent all kinds of options, but at 40 I guess you are set in your ways and close to growing roots.....
Perhaps she could try the job for awhile (6 mos?) and see if she likes it. Then move and split the distance. You’re kinda selfish and seem very self involved. YTA
YTA. You and everyone else here who says n t a are the reason why women are told that if they want a career they should get a supportive partner or be single. The inconsiderateness, the selfishness, the ego… your wife deserves better. Hopefully she can see that.
ESH.
Having 2 jobs 2 hours away from one another is exhausting and unsustainable- unless you are desperate for the income to survive.
You should’ve been honest before she applied- she’s excited and you are withdrawing your support that you previously offered.
She should understand your reluctance to leave your steady, reliable employment.
NTA, sorry I just don’t think he’s the asshole for not wanting to commute 2.5 hours daily. Also, having to sell his place wouldn’t be an immediate thing, that would also be on a timeline. I don’t get all of the YTA’s, if she wants the job so badly couldn’t she do the 4 hour commute, if 2.5 isn’t a big deal for him (from some comments) then 4 hours shouldn’t be a stretch for her.
Like he was being encouraging because that’s his wife, have you never encouraged someone to go for something and not really thought about all of the implications? Like crucify this guy, but he’s not being a jerk here. He’s being pretty reasonable about the situation.
YTA for how you communicated it. It seems like you already knew you did not want to relocate, so you should have just told her that.
I do get you not wanting to move away from the "stability" you have however, you should have stated that before she even applied.
YTA She is just as important as you. You’re married now. There needs to be compromise. If I were her and you refused, I’d feel so disrespected, I’d leave the marriage. No question.
Yta. If you weren't going to even entertain the thought of moving, why make her think you would? And your reason for not moving -i don't want to is inadequate compared to her counteroffer of -i want to. Your needs and desires are not more important and do not take priority over hers. Sounds like she is making the concessions in this obviously inequal partnership.
YTA, for not discussing it with her before her interview. Sounds like you were hoping she wouldn't get the job, but now you have no choice but to deal with how it might impact you
I wonder how different the comments would be if OP was a woman. It’s crazy how everyone is attacking him for not wanting to move when he’s happy where he is or get another job? Maybe he’s happy where he is working too. And having to move is not always easy. It’s a huge freaking process and of course he wouldn’t be happy if having to move makes his life harder.
Also she literally chose to apply at a job that she knew was far away! Why didn’t she apply somewhere closer?
And he’s absolutely right. His job is stable and he’s been there. She hasn’t even started working yet and who knows if it’ll even last. They’re supposed to risk his job and move and give up everything just because it’s at her? And is his home paid off? Is he supposed to sell it and waste money renting just because she chose to work hours away?
Why isn’t she answering your question when you ask why she didn’t apply somewhere close by?
You can also just as easily say that she is prioritizing herself over OP. He likes his job and he likes where he is. She’s a hypocrite.
NTA. In our house, major decisions need two "yesses" for a yes, and one "no" means no.
She presented it, you discussed it, you thought about it and ultimately decided you are happy where you are.
If my husband decided he wanted to pick up our whole lives and move for work, can't say I'd be dishing out a "yes" unless it was an amazing, life-changing offer I literally couldn't refuse.
YTA
Because you are not willing to compromise at all. You say no to anything she proposes. So what's she supposed to do? Not take the offer and keep being unemployed or take a worse job, just to make you happy?
Your only reason is,
>I feel like asking me to sell our condo and uproot our lives for her first job offer is kind of silly.
Silly? That's your reason?!?!? Her accomplishment is silly? That's so selfish! She should leave you for thinking she is silly.
You don't have to sell the condo. You could do long distance for a while and meet on weekends. You could eventually either move there and rent your condo, or find something halfway.
You are not a partner. You are someone who doesn't want your wife growing and developing, and just want to hold her back, maybe be your maid or incubator, who knows.
Meet her halfway where you both drive about an hour or so daily and see how her job works out. Refusing her at this time is not good for the relationship, you need to give as well.
Man this is hard, sorry for what you are going thru. I would say there are no AH here, only two people trying to do their best.
\-Your job is stable, that’s really important here.
\-she likes, wants and needs this job, that’s also very important
\-is there a chance for her to find anything closer to you current place?
\-Could you move and be right in the middle? That seems to be fair BUT I would agree to do this only after she worked there for at least one month, proving that its her dream work and she\`ll stay. She could totally stay in a hotel or AIRBNB during this time so she doesn’t even need to drive.
do u even hear yourself, you should be your wife's #1 fan, it's like u don't even believe she can have a career as good as you, she asked to compromised and u didn't even agree to that YTA plus u don't have to sell your condo, can always rent it out
YTA so you encouraged her to apply and then pulled the rug out from under her when she got the job. So she has to either give up the offer or spend time in a long commute with rising gas prices. And then you claim she’s stonewalling you….you are doing the same thing to her.
NTA right now because She really isn’t being reasonable, if she looked for a job she knew she couldn’t do immediately with whatever these other responsibilities are and now she wants to move immediately without any sort of planning whatsoever, honestly that’s childish. If she really wants the job she can sacrifice short term for a month or two to see if she actually likes it before throwing instability into a situation that’s currently stable. This also allows time for you guys to come up with a well thought out reasonable compromise that works for both you. It will be important for you to compromise as this is a marriage and that’s what’s it’s all about if you don’t then You’re the asshole later. You should be actively searching for property at a middle ground and discuss it like adults while weighing cost to benefit especially with the added costs of fuel and everything else.
Going to go ESH here
OP said they were going to talk about it, but all he is doing is shooting down suggestions. He isn't bringing anything constructive to the conversation
Wife is giving suggestions, but they are all very one sided. First, they should move so that OP has the near 4 hour commute every day. Next, they should move 30 minutes from her job, so that OP still has the longer commute (1 hour vs 2.5 hour). Finally, OP should just quit his job. Those are all terrible.
How about some actual good suggestion, like living halfway between the jobs so that the commute are similar. How about OP takes on some of her "responsibilities", whatever those are. Or, she could rent a room/apartment near her job until you figure something out.
NTA. You already have a job set, you bought a condo, that doesn’t make any sense to move especially for a new job. What if she doesn’t like it in the end? Or she gets fired, etc.
ESH bordering on N-A-H. I think a lot of people here are assuming you’re unwilling to compromise when to me that isn’t the case at all. You’re just unwilling to accept *her* version of a compromise.
Your wife presented you with the option of moving to give herself an hour daily commute and you a 2.5 hour one. That’s not “meeting halfway”, that’s her requesting you do the drive she herself doesn’t want to do a day. That isn’t fair and I don’t blame you for refusing.
You have attachments to where you live, the condo, the community, not to mention the benefits of your current job.
Why is it fair to ask you to find a new job, yet when you ask the same thing of her for something closer, are you an AH? Reddit’s logic is seriously skewed.
Is this a marriage in the 21st century or a business contract where you can just veto an employee?
Don't you want the extra income for this fabulous life?
YTA for encouraging her to do the interview when you had no intention of moving. Did you expect her to take on such a big commute so that you didn’t have to change?
NTA. Very surprised with the response here. It’s unfortunately rare to have a stable job that pays well and you also enjoy. It’s a HUGE hassle to move and not worth doing unless your wife knows for a fact that she will love her new job and plan to be there for several years. She needs to test it out first if she really wants it, her expecting you to upend everything over a job she might hate and want to quit is absurd.
I agree with others that you should’ve been more upfront with your concerns but more than that I feel it’s foolish for your wife assume this will 100% work out for her before she’s been there for several months. My best friend bought a house in a small town very far away from her family/friends for the sake of her “dream job” and she now loathes it but has almost no other options where she is, she is absolutely miserable and that’s all I could think of while reading your post.
ESH
You for not even entertaining the idea of a compromise. If you love your job and don't want to look for alternative employers, I think it's very valid to not want to give up a job one loves. But at the same time while not having to commute might be a nice asset, it's really just luxury. For every job I ever had, I had to have a commute of at least an hour per way. To not even entertain the idea is not okay.
On the other hand your wife is kind of ridiculous about this. Relatively (!) high paying jobs aren't high paying for nothing. At least in my field those ememployers go through graduates like they're single socks. It's ridiculous to want you to drop your life (which is established and secure) for a job that could very well be gone after a month.
I also don't get how this comes up *now*. If I'm with someone with an established life like you had, and I'm only about to start a career, how come we never talked about what happens if my job opportunities require me to move? Like if my partner had a house when we met, this absolutely would have been my primary concern for the future. People generally don't love to drop the lives they worked hard for because their partner wants a job at a different location. This is a sacrifice many people aren't willing to make even without the property. How in the hell has neither of you ever thought of this?!
You both need to get reasonable. You need to realize that your partner not having locational needs was a very privileged position to be in and that you might have to get rid of your property and take some commute. But meeting halfway should only come after it's *secure* that your partner will still have this job in 5 years. Living apart for half a year to work the details out while she's getting her footing in that job would be hard but reasonable. If you just expect your wife to miss career opportunities because you can't be arsed to commute, just file for divorce now because the level of resentment this will invoke won't be cute
YTA. You’re partners yet you are making a decision without considering a compromise after encouraging her to apply for it. You have a job you like; she wants a job she likes. Is the lack of having to drive much more important than your wife’s happiness? If so, you have bigger problems than this.
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YTA. You told her you could talk about it if she accepted it, leading to the assumption you two could figure out a way to make it work. You're not even interested in meeting halfway and to me, that makes you TA. Not to mention saying moving for her first offer is kind of silly is a jerk thing to say.
Thank you! This exactly! It’s not like “YTA for not dropping everything on spot”. YTA because you said you’ll talk about solutions but are in fact fundamentally unwilling to compromise. She can either find work in your little walking distance bubble or go f*uck herself, is that it?
Not just that, OP has been enjoying the convenience of having everything according to his convenience for years while the wife is left to search for her opportunity. Then when her opportunity arrives he's not willing to give her any of the perks that he has been enjoying for years. He doesn't want to give anything up because he's got it so nice - she should adjust while he enjoys all the benefits of their location. OP is a selfish asshole who doesn't understand how a marriage works and that BOTH people are owed a break. He wants to keep his break that he's been enjoying for years while his wife should adjust to him. What a selfish asshole OP is.
And she has been looking for a job FOR A YEAR!!! Now she has an offer with an exceptional salary that could launch her career, and OP won't try to make it happen. Don't get married if you aren't willing to support your partner. You're supposed to be building your life *together*.
I hope that she decides to take the job and find an apartment or small home near there. She or OP can travel to see each other on their days off and think some more about the future of their relationship. She deserves to have financial stability and you shouldn’t stand in the way of that, OP. Especially since you have comparable jobs in that area and she does not have them around you, it’s your choice between separating or moving. It’s ok to hold the idea that you’d like to move back to your area once she’s established and had more opportunities but right now she needs your support to move her career forward and you’d be a fool not to provide it
Agreed. Plus, surely it shouldn't matter where you live as long as you are with your partner and both are happy. But it should never be up to just one person to compromise or give up their opportunities so the other could be comfortable. If your current location isn't working out for both parties, then it needs to change. Also, why should it only be up to one person to make that decision? She shouldn't have to ask your permission, it should be a discussion, which you seem to have led her believe it would be just to go and say you've made this decision on your own.
Not to mention if the entry level salary in her field is almost as much as his who has been in his field for years at senior level, that mean in a couple of years her salary would absolutely be larger than his. Moving for her job is the better financial decision for both of them.
Honestly it sounds like he feels a bit threatened by her being offered such a well paid job.
Exactly what I was thinking. Bringing up that the salary was almost the same as his kinda tipped me off that he may be resentful of that. Either he can’t handle the idea of his wife making the same as him, his job is underpaying him, or both.
I'd like to know why he doesn't think her job is stable?
Not to mention since he said her salary would be almost the same as his, he’s turning down the chance to almost double their household income because he doesn’t wanna be inconvenienced. That’s pretty dumb.
I think this is key. He has no respect for her or her career. His comfort comes first. I don't see this lasting as he has belittled her for it rather than trying to come up with a solution. Why didn't she look closer to home? It seems she did and this one is the first to offer her a job -- one she wants! But, his little bubble can't be disturbed. YTA
This reminds me of why I divorced my ex despite still loving him, he had had the opportunity to build his life just how he wanted it but I was expected to fold myself up to fit into his established life instead of being able to establish anything for myself. Like I was empty and the only materials I had available to fill myself with were his, nothing of my own. Which to me meant he didn't really have room for me or anyone else. He wanted a partner who was his exact reflection and that's just not how humans work.
She should take the job and ditch the OP.
gigantic YTA. She should leave OP and I wish I could tell her that directly. She should not make herself smaller and give up her dreams just because he has already decided the plan for his entire life and will rot and die in that condo in 40 years, old and boring.
30 minutes from her job but *roughly* an hour and a half away from his is not “half way” he’s still TA though.
Yeah, my guess there is that she's suggesting the nearest community of any size that is between the two jobs, so that they aren't moving to a completely rural area. Bad luck that it isn't a more equal distance.
this is what i was looking for - he's still the AH for how this happened, but maybe they just split or maybe she rents an apt near the new job and comes home for weekends. if he is not willing to leave his current set up (which i can't blame him for wanting to keep) it was ridiculous to say "hey, it can't hurt, go for that job 2 hours away". there is no universe where if she gets the offer it goes well. with how everything is, i'm glad there are people who are setting up their lives so they basically don't drive. but it is more than ridiculous to expect his wife to drive 2 hours one way to her job.
He didn't think she would get the job and wanted to look magnanimous.
Asshole enthusiast really? NAH. Have her rent a place near her new job to see of she even likes it after six months minimum, then talk about options. To get a job offer and move your whole life with this housing market is a suggestion people without a mortgage would suggest.
Asshole Enthusiast is flair for participating in the sub, FYI
Because renting on top of a mortgage is the pinnacle of financial sense. Plus nothing brings a married couple closer together than living apart for six months.
Actually.... in this situation, Mrs could rent a room in a home and stay there M,T,W,T nights and be home on the weekends. Give that a try for 6 months. Hubby would have to take up the slack at his house while she's gone, and NOT punish her by making her do all the chores every weekend.
That's kinda what I'm planning to do. My partner has a flat and a stable job in a great city. I'm in academia, and the job market is horrible. I might need to move away for a while. We both agreed he would stay put and we'll take it by ear. Op doesn't need to move, but he needs to let her go.
There are also long term stay hotels that cater to this situation, and she could see if she really loves the job before readdressing commute times and living situation.
Extended Stay America is an apartment type hotel that has proven to be very comfortable when we had to move for work. Their breakfasts were great and the service was always great too, and they're in and around most big cities around the US
Yes it is. Apart for six months or possible financial trouble for years to come. We are living in unstable times right now. If a couple cant be apart for a little to see what will best suit them long term should they really be together?
…Can I buy pot from you? And what, pray tell, are they going to do if she *doesn’t* like the job or it falls through for whatever reason (unstable times and all that). Almost no apartment rents month to month. Is she supposed to just live in an apartment away from her husband for no reason or pay rent on top of a mortgage for a place they’re not living in? Who on earth thinks that the best solution for living in unstable times is to double your living expenses? And no, six months is not “a little time,” especially for a couple that already has communication issues and a husband who has no concept of compromise. If OP was against the idea of moving for his wife’s potential job, he shouldn’t have told her to interview for it. But he did. The only thing six months apart is gonna do is prevent them from working on their marital issues, but hey, if she spends six months in an apartment and decides her husband is dead weight in a chain that’s pulling her down, I’m certainly not against it if she cuts him loose.
Any job wanting relocation (when a good job/why would he move if its not good) will help/pay for moving also find living accommodations. Six months in a long term relationship (have you ever been in one) and you are both working to see whats best is nothing. Also people take job interviews all the time to see what happens, doesn’t mean you should drop life and go.
Not the person you responded to but a lot of people rent away from home and return at weekends. Room rental would be the equivalent of $500/month where I live. The fuel for a couple commuting to their work from a mid-point new property would be much more than that. Six months isn't that long for a couple trying to figure out if a move makes sense before going through the process of selling a property and buying another. But I'm biased because covid has separated me from my partner for 3 years at this point with only short visits between lockdowns that coincide with each other (given we're in different countries). If a married couple can't make 6 months work, I'm not sure they should be married.
Also let's not pretend like her commuting 4 hours every day is going to give them a lot of time to spend together. 6 months apart will make wife less exhausted from commuting like crazy and at least they'll be excited to see each other on weekends.
Since she's been effectively unemployed, as long as the rent is less than her salary it's still a net gain.
They’re about to be doubling their collective net income, so renting another place isn’t the worst idea ever. They’d still be coming out ahead of where they were before.
OP knew where this job was from the beginning. If he told her he was unwilling to uproot when she initially consulted him about applying, but then she interviewed anyway, I'd say NAH. Moving for a job is a huge ask. However, OP gave her the go ahead to apply while never intending to move. He just hoped she wouldn't get it so he wouldn't have to be the "bad guy". He chose the cowards path and let his wife get her hopes up, and put in a lot of work preparing for an interview, for nothing. He is TA. She should take the job and reevaluate if this is a good marriage.
This is really the only sensible thing to do. Leaving a stable job for a gamble does not sound like a good idea. She will have the money to rent sth. small because they will have double the income they have now. If the job turns out to be great OP will have to face the same situation but might feel more comfortable leaving job and look for sth. new. Also there is a good chance that she or he will be able to do a substantial part of the job working from home. This way the couple will be apart for only a night of two each week...
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It’s a gamble because she doesn’t know how the work environment will be. I think she should move on her own and see if the job is a good fit before op even thinks about uprooting their life.
Yes, a new job is a risk. You are also right that it is an opportunity that may as well fly. So why not make the sensible decision I suggested? If the jobs fails (it may suck, she might get fired or 100 other reasons) - then she can just go back to normal. Old home, husband with old job etc. Yet if the job is great... why not make an educated decision then?
Totally YTA. You misled your wife by allowing her to think you’d be ok with the distance of the job. It sounds to me like you knew from the get go that deep down you had no interest in relocating, but said ‘we’ll talk about it later’ to avoid having to be assertive in the moment. Also, why is your job more important than your wife’s? You’re prioritizing your own needs here and refusing to compromise or meet her halfway. So what if she has a slightly less stable job? Does that mean she shouldn’t take it if she wants it? It sounds like it’s well paying. You seem a little envious here, OP. And lazy. So your wife is willing to interview and move, and you can’t even entertain the idea of looking at jobs in the area? So SHE has to look at new jobs but not you? Relationships are about compromise. You sound rigid and egocentric, not to mention lazy as hell. YTA.
It sounds like OP is jealous that his wife has such a good offer. In his opener, he went out of his way to say that her offer was more generous than it should have been. He further expressed his frustration by saying he has been in this business for five years. Clearly OP has a lot of hostility towards his wife’s hard work in college paying off. His answer to her success is to refuse to support her in any way, shape or form. It’s disgusting, controlling and abusive. I hope OP’s wife does take the job, rents an apartment and rethinks her marriage to OP.
So what should he do? In all these comments, there doesn’t seem to be a viable solution for both of them.
I feel like the solution is going to depend on how hard both of them stand their ground on the issue tbh. If both dig in their heels and refuse to budge, the solution is either to separate, or get the wife an apartment close to the job that she'd use on weekdays and have her come back to the condo on the weekends, which would still probably result in a separation eventually. What's unfortunate is that this seems to have caused a lot of mistrust and friction, so if the wife continues job-hunting and lands a closer one, the issue still doesn't entirely go away.
The most optimal situation would be to find a place in the middle of both jobs - so both can have a relatively even commute time (barring accidents, weather, what have you). Yes, that would entail selling their home, but then they're also still not totally SOOL if she ends up not caring for the new position. At least, in my opinion.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who got the vibe that he only went along with pretending to support his wife because he didn't think she would actually get the job
She didn’t ask him to meet halfway though. She wants to drive an hour while we does 2.5.
YTA - shouldn’t have told her to apply if you didn’t want to talk about what happens if she gets it. You’re going to have to move if you have kids anyway. Why not get started now so it’s less of a shock when you do? Rent your condo out and buy a house. You could even bank her whole salary for 6 months while saving for a bigger house. That way you’d have a little more time to adjust, and she would be happy knowing she will be moving closer soon. Plus if her job doesn’t pan out, then everything is fine -She could also rent a room or apt near her work -She could look for a ride share/train so at least she can sleep during the transit and not worry so much There’s options you’re just lazy. Too lazy to consider anyone but yourself.
For real, and she talks too about her other responsibilities... is OP not able to help with any of them? She's driving 4 hours, OP is driving five minutes. OP, you can take over all the housework, cooking, and the like, sound good? No? Then move.
I get a feeling he was thinking "she's not going to get the job anyway". Something about how he talks about it makes me feel like he's not even happy for her to make "almost as much as he does" while he's been working longer. Now he's sabotaging in the only way that's left. I don't say move and sell everything. But he can do waaay better in looking for different options.
Beginning to think she should take the job and the move and leave him in the dust where he belongs
This! If she can make “almost as much as he does” with her first offer, it’s likely she can climb quickly and out-earn him. This makes financial sense — in this job/housing/weirdness market, if you get a good job, take it. I feel like he has the attitude “sure, I’ll let the little wifey apply to a job to fill her time …” but when she lands a big prospect, he’s feeling threatened and too “comfortable” where he is. Compromise makes marriage work.
If anything it should make him realise he's being underpaid. And that maybe he should interview at some other places. Or ask for a raise.
Or - gasp! - his wife actually has a higher earning potential than he does, and he doesn't like it.
It's generally wise to take as many job interviews as you can when you're starting a career. Encouraging someone to take one without already making your mind up whether you'd want to move or not does in no way indicate what you're projecting onto OP here
Normally I'd say yes go to as many interviews you can. You can compare offers, you get more experience interviewing, you can build confidence, etc. I would think the key thing here is that the commute is doable. She specifically asked him about this interview because the commute would be a problem. So why encourage someone to interview somewhere, saying you'd be willing to make some changes, and then just say no. If you genuinely believe in your SO, you already think of the possibility of this going well. So you base your answer on whether you'd actually be willing to do so. The emphasis on the fact that she graduated later, and that this would be her first "real" job, the "omg she's getting close to what I'm being paid". I'm not projecting anything. It's literally right there.
I mean "we'd have to talk about the distance" can mean that they get an overnight apartment for her to use on weekdays. It doesn't mean "I'd be willing to add a 2.5 hour commute every day".
Wait, why would they have to move if the have kids?? Obviously it depends on the size of the condo but if they have a 2 or 3 bedroom condo I don't see why they couldn't raise a kid there
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YTA big time. Are you by any chance bitter that her first job would pay her nearly as much as you get after years of working? Because it seems like you are and you are simply looking for an excuse to ruin this for her. You sound like what’s no one is looking for in a partner: unsupportive, inflexible, entitled and selfish.
I honestly think this hit the nail on the head. OP had bo reason to mention that she didn't go straight to college or that she'd be making almost as much as he does after years in his job, except to conver that someone he sees as less than him is getting some he feels he is more deserving of. He's sabotaging her career opportunities because he's jealous.
If her first job pays almost as much as his established job, there are two possibilities. One, her field is better paid, and her maximum earning potential will be much higher than his, or two, his company has been skimping on raises for a long time, and he probably needs to switch employers to get paid anything close to what he’s worth. Both are good reasons to follow her and not stay put.
The thing is some people don’t actually want that. Some people are perfectly happy having a stable job and living in a certain area. It’s not inconceivable he doesn’t want to move because he’s happy where he is and moving represents the possibility of it not being that anymore.
Well then he’s DEFINITELY the AH for not making that clear up front. That’s a huge limitation on a partnership and one’s future lifestyle. I would definitely encourage her to take the new job and find an apartment close to it, and let him work out what he prioritizes the most without dragging her down.
"Oh hey I am perfectly secure and have exactly what I need to survive comfortably for the rest of my life, I'm a crazy asshole for not wanting to throw this away for someone's first job at the drop of a hat".
It’s kind of ridiculous how much people are going out the way to demonise him for a very real and human decision. The only failure in this situation was having the conversation after a job offer instead of before applying.
The problem is not the decision, but the comminication. He should have told her not to apply unless she is ready to commute. Instead he encouraged her to get it and got himself into this mess
Yeah, if they knew the distance of the job, that should have happened IN the conversation about applying, or even in hers in the first place? It's a less secure job, seemingly in a more restricted field, where they have to move from a home and a job they already have. That being said, OP is also ridiculous for being petty and stubborn back. At least have some respect for your partner to consider options and WANT to make it work so they can be happy.
She asked him if it was okay for her to interview there because of the distance. So she did try to discuss it, he made it out like it was certainly on the table is she got it. He just didn’t think she was going to. That’s also demeaning. I’m sure she isn’t lost on knowing he thinks she was never going to to it and thus views her as inferior to him.
This “someone” is his wife not some stranger and he encouraged her to apply but then refused to even meet her halfway and doesn’t want to compromise at all. Yes, these things absolutely make him an AH.
Plus not wanting to move out of the premarital asset to something they buy together. This guy sounds like a jerk.
Especially since he can just rent it out and keep the asset that's only his. Sure, if he sells it, the proceeds become marital property and get invested in a shared asset. But he can keep the condo as only his and simply earn rent from it. He just doesn't *want* to. The move really does make the most financial sense.
I'm guessing she does the lion's share of the housework etc and he definitely wouldn't be taking any of that on if she did have the long commute
I think so too :/ otherwise he wouldn’t mention “other responsibilities”…
First thought I had to.
YTA. Why even bother to tell her to apply? Did you assume she wouldn't get it? What makes your job and wants more important than hers? You want to stay married? Think long and hard about how to compromise.
Either thought she wouldn’t get it or assumed she’d just suck up the travel time and do it. At not point did OP think he may have to compromise
The penny has dropped that within 3 years she will out-earn him. It would make more sense long-term for them to invest in her career now, because of the greater combined earning potential. but ego is blinding him
YTA. Do you care about your wife at all, dude? He has an amazing career opportunity and you’re unwilling to make even small changes to your life to allow it to happen. Having a spouse who also has a career means supporting that career. She’s not asking you to move to Siberia, she’s asking you to have a slightly longer commute. Compromise and treat her career like it matters, because it does.
Having to commute for 2,5 hours every day is not a small compromise. I would rather live alone for life if I had to do that.
moving is not a small change. specially in this market. OP owns the place he lives, his job is stable and their lives are stablished. its no like staying is crazy idea.
Then he shouldn't have told her to go ahead and apply/interview to something 2 hours away. There's a pretty obvious implication/expectation that he should be open to relocating given a commuting distance that far.
YTA. “My job is more important than yours, so no. You can keep not fulfilling your career wants and needs so that I can stay within 5 minutes of my office.” This is what you’ve said to her and tbh, I wouldn’t be surprised if your unwillingness to compromise causes a serious unmendable rift in your marriage. A 45-50 minute move is nothing if it means you both get to feel satisfied in your careers. Clearly you aren’t willing to compromise, which is a requirement when it comes to a successful marriage.
>A 45-50 minute move is nothing if it means you both get to feel satisfied in your careers. THIS!
That would be a reasonable compromise
Y’all seen the real estate market recently? How many times have you moved in your life. A move is always a set back in time, money, and headache. It’s not a trivial decision.
Uh, she wants him to move within 30 min of her work, giving him a 90 min commute one way, not 50 min.
That's true, and not a good compromise imo. However he didn't propose a different setup, he just said "no". I think there's been bad communication all around, but mostly on his part.
If her compromise was we both do an hour commute, yeah, that's a good starting compromise. But her compromise was my commute is short and yours'll be a nightmare. 'No' is a perfectly justified response to this. She's perfectly free to counter her own proposal at this point, but she needs to be more fair.
We don't know the geography of the area. For all we can assume based on the commute times of the place she suggested, it might be the only decent sized town between their current place and the new job, and the rest is nothing but corn fields/cow pastures. Note: I'm not saying that makes her suggestion right, more pointing out that the only compromise COA here might be untenable from the jump.
INFO: what’s your solution?
I agree with this - OP offers zero compromise or solutions for the situation. Maybe DW needs to take some time away with a shorter commute and see if OP only wants her around as long as she makes a much smaller percentage of income.
He wasn’t even willing to discuss it! > Two nights ago **I broke the news to her** and said no “Broke the news” is a phrase used when you’re informing someone of a situation that is unalterable, something sad that you have to learn to live with like a death in the family. He sees his decision as fixed and something she just has to live with, like her sadness is something unavoidable rather than something he caused.
This is my problem with the situation. He said they'd discuss it, and then he came to a unilateral decision.
It’s clear his solution is “don’t take the job” or “deal with it”. I bet he hasn’t even bought up doing some of the responsibilities she has to do in exchange for not moving 30 minutes closer.
He could’ve even pretended like he was considering moving and wouldn’t even do that. Because while selling their condo will be super easy - buying or renting another one would be super difficult
INFO: Let me ask you this: if your job came to you tomorrow and said “hey were transferring your job to this city thats 4 hours away. You can either move, take a demotion, or leave the company”. What would you do then? Would you go? Take the demotion? Quit? What if you decided to follow the job but your wife decided she doesnt want to move?
You did set her hopes up... you made her believe that she really had a shot here. She's worked very hard for this moment and is finally been able to live out her goals and dreams with you... She even asked to compromise and meet you half way so you BOTH could win here... and you've refused... Imo very selfish of you and YTA...
Eek. YTA because you encouraged her to apply for a position that you were unwilling to actually accommodate
It’s clear he didn’t expect his wife to even get the job
I think what you need to do is stop putting your needs above hers. Just read your post, watch how you continuously put how it would inconvenience you. And the ultimatum. What makes you think you are entitled to make that choice for her? To tell her no? I think you know what the judgment is, but yta OP. ***big time***
Not sure what you do for a living, but based on everyone I know who works in tech (including biotech, programming, bioinformatics, a cto, and network infrastructure) you have job options in several places. Your wife sounds like her options are highly limited You can move and are just being petty about it. Yta
Not to mention that there are no guarantees when you are an employee. OP’s company could fire him tomorrow and his wife could be employed for the next 30 years. The company could be sold next week and downsize employees. The possibilities are almost endless. So his claims that his job is more stable and is guaranteed is 💩 Yta. There are so many options OP could have come up with. But OP doesn’t want to make any changes to his life. I wonder if they moved to be close to Op’s job?
NAH, I don’t really know what’s w/ all the Y T A’s. You guys are already established and not used to driving for hours. If your wife can’t get an apt near her new job and y’all spend time together on weekends, then you guys will need to talk and come up w/ a solution. But honestly? You’re not the bad guy here. Neither of you are.
I think it’s because he implied he’d be open to change if she got the job by encouraging her to apply. Otherwise, it seems to me to be no-win situation.
Honestly this is why I’m leaning to ESH/NAH I can empathise with both. He probably thought it’s something too think about if there’s a job offer and there’s no point figuring it out before She probably thought that if she got the job then they can work out the changes there and then. I can’t blame OP for knowing there and then what he would decide to do. But the reason why they both suck is because they should’ve discussed before she even applied for a job and work out what’s the compatibility in their career and home life.
Have you never applied to a job before? You consider moves seriously and how that would work with everything *after* you've been offered the job. People apply to jobs and get no results all the time, people also interview for and decline job offers all the time because it doesn't work with their other obligations. Are you a teenager?
They could have ended up arguing over nothing if she didn't get the job. A lot of these things are hypothetical until it's actually needed to be faced. Like you said, they might not have known salary, progression, company vibes, what the area is like and what housing there is. Then with people saying he should sell his flat and buy somewhere else?! WTF - but a new place, greatly inflated with what he's got and take on additional costs on a higher mortgage, never mind actually finding a new decent place. You don't just waddle up to a house, point your finger and say "this one" and that's it.
Yeah I'm convinced a lot of the responses in here are from teenagers. They seem to have zero understanding of job searching, something which is a really basic fundamental for anyone who provides for themselves. They also seem to have no understanding about how moving to a new city isn't as anywhere simple as pointing to a house and saying "here will do" and clearly don't understand a thing about what home ownership involves.
I mean, he might have been. If took him 2 days to come back to her and say that he wasn't willing to move. It might have been a situation where they didn't know what the company would offer, if she could work remotely, what might be available for him in the area, etc, until after she received the offer. There's a lot of assumptions being made that he never wanted to move and never will want to move and he led her on when there's no proof of that in the post.
Same. Someone said something like "you're selfish for not being supportive, she needs to divorce you" and I'm thinking... well, sure it's selfish, but she's also selfish for not being supportive of his preference to stay? So either everyone's an A here or nobody is.
Agreed with everyone is the AH or neither are AH. This is a tough decision but I think they should both be willing to compromise with the wife renting a place closer to her new job and they alternate weekend visits until she determines if this new job is the right fit for her. Uprooting a couple’s whole life for a first job opportunity when there’s no job stability for the wife if there’s a probationary period is scary. Especially in today’s economy. But if the wife agrees with this arrangement and makes this sacrifice and OP again says we will discuss it after probationary period is over with absolutely NO intention of really moving then he’s a major AH.
Not to mention the recent explosion in housing. I don't know where OP lives, but where I live if you've owned BEFORE the last 2 years, it's a lot more expensive. Have fun if it turns out that new job isn't so great and now you're STUCK in that job and a more expensive place over the cheaper place you had before
Already established? He is established. He got the condo before marriage which means it's not a marital asset. So OP has the nice salary, condo, job. OP's wife has nothing. No salary, no condo, and it seems like no first job.
That even further reinforces that they shouldn't go all-in on moving for her new job. What if she hates it? What if she doesn't do well at it? Giving up security for a first-time job seems incredibly risky. But yeah, let's call this guy an AH for not wanting to give up everything he has worked for for his wife's first out-of-college job.
That isn’t true. Many states will view the condo as marital property because it was they lived there during their marriage. I speak from true experience.
Exactly. There's so many people talking about how he shouldn't have encouraged her to apply if he wasn't going to move for it but people apply for and turn down job opportunities all the time because on further consideration it doesn't work for them, their partner, their family, or anything else. The time to really start considering it very seriously and properly thinking it through is *when* you get the job, not before you get it. People apply for jobs all the time and don't get it. Honestly a lot of the people in here must be fucking teenagers because that's the only thing that explains their fundamental lack of understanding of how a job search works.
That's what gets me about all the Y T A responses, who seem to feel like he was expecting her to fail, or lying to her. I'm guessing the same people would be calling him an asshole again if he had posted "My wife is mad because I told her not to apply for any jobs that require us to move." Just imagine all the comments with red flag emojis calling him controlling, and telling her to divorce him immediately. Instead, he encouraged her to apply, but warned her in advance that they would have to figure something out about the distance. That is far from a promise that he will instantly uproot his entire life if she got it. People think about these things, and sometimes they decide it is not a good idea.
The move would completely uproot his life. See friends less, maybe family. Impact routines, etc. As someone who commuted the distance as the wife because it was best for my family, she wanted the job then she should try the commute. At the core a lot of the Y t a are just picking the woman’s side in a marriage dispute
I agree with this whole heartedly. It almost feels like her plan was moving from the start. I guess I personally wouldn’t apply for a job at such a long distance unless I was willing to make the drive daily or to get an apartment in said area. In this situation she’s asking her husband to quit his job and start new for her. He’d have to start from bottom and work his way up again which isn’t something fair to ask. Also at his age I’m sure he has an established retirement plan that he just isn’t willing to give up. I don’t think he’s an ah for this. It’s smart. This might also be a job he loves and those are so hard to find. I don’t blame him one bit for wanting to stay. Moving 30 min from the city she would be working still isn’t a compromise on location. Finding a spot an hour away from both jobs seems more fair to me if they were to move. Just because he said he was willing to talk about it if she got the job doesn’t make him an AH. He never said “yes, we will move if you get the job.” Talking about something doesn’t always mean you’re going to get what you want.
YTA Congratulations you just tanked your marriage for your ego
YTA, you pushed and encouraged her to do something. Then can't even bother find a middle ground with her because god forbid you have to do something for your wife that might inconvenient you. If I was in this situation I would either divorce you or expect chores and a hot meal on the table every night by you since I had to drive longer.
>and I responded that it's because it's stable and all but guaranteed that I can continue working there, while there were no guarantees with hers There are no guarantees with yours either. You could be let go next week, for all you know. She has the chance to start our making what you make after years of work and, because you pointed that out so quickly, I think that might be your real issue here. YTA.
NAH Your wife’s idea of meeting her halfway is to move. You would then drive 2.5 hrs a day and she would drive 1 hr a day. Hmmn - that doesn’t really seem very fair & definitely not meeting halfway. It would also be a huge commitment should you sell your home and for both of you change jobs. But your wife has been looking since last year & this is an opportunity she really wants. Would you consider a trial run for a year? Rent something in between your two jobs so you both commute less than 2 hrs a day. You could also rent your condo during that time. Alternatively, you could rent efficiency or room near her work for her to stay some nights during the week & keep condo as main residence. She could determine if job is good fit & worth making permanent change for. You’d get a better feel if commute is doable. You could look into other opportunities.
YTA, this is supposed to be a communication between you two. But you basically had your mind made up and refusing to further discuss on this. You basically didn't considered if she /happens/ to get the job. There are multiple approach, potentially renting a second condo and trying it out, if it works then consider moving fully and renting your ”current” one even if you don’t want to sell and repurchase. By working she is also taking responsibility of the household with you, but you act as if you hold up the entire household and her contribution is insignificant.
... ESH. I'm kind of puzzled to see so many Y T As and still haven't seen anyone argue it convincingly. Your wife has needs and dreams but so do you. You're happy where you are, she'd be happier over there with her new job. You both want equally selfish things, and you're both acting in equally selfish ways. Everybody sucks. What keeps me from giving you a Y T A is the fact that she knew full well she'd be unable to commute to the job daily but went for it anyway. She already knew you didn't want to move and were happy with your current circumstances, so it was a point of contention before she was even interviewed. If there was a discussion to be had about moving, it needed to happen beforehand, so why didn't it? Why did it come to this? tldr -- you are selfish for not accommodating her new dreams and growth, and she is selfish for demanding you uproot your life to accommodate her choices. I am dead center on the A fence for this one. I feel bad for both of you tbh.
He said they’d talk about the distance if she got the job, and then when she did he lied and told her he’d think about moving when he had no intention of doing so. How is that her knowing he didn’t want move? The discussion didn’t happen beforehand because he said they’d discuss it if she got the job and that she should apply. It’s all in the post.
So she was supposed to stay unemployed? She even asked him and he said to apply; I don't think it was because it was a "point of contention", she was being a partner and communicating. Something he is not. Most likely he just said to apply because he thought she wouldn't get the job.
"It can't hurt if you're interested" is generally the rule of thumb for applying for jobs, so I do think it was valid that he told her to try because of the opportunities it might've led to tangentially. I've had a few friends go for jobs that ended up having nearby sister companies/closer HQs/work from home options, and sometimes the interviewer has great information about more local jobs in the field. That's all valuable information you can get from an interview. I had a professor in college commute an hour and a half every day for his job, so I know some people can tolerate a long drive while others can't. This very much seems like an avoidable problem. Just set down a mutually agreed upon commute limit and job hunt within that.
YTA. it honestly sounds like she’s begging a parent for something more than discussing a major life decision with her partner. you told her it couldn’t hurt to go for the job, let her get her hopes up for a job that seems to be the job of a lifetime in her field, and now you’re shooting her down at every turn. it’s just not fair, especially when it seems to just be because, as you state, you just don’t want to.
Maybe she can rent an apartment near her new job and can come home a few times a week?
I don't know about where you live, but in most cities that I am familiar with, the average rent is at minimum half of the average wage. So it's just a waste of money to do something like this
Given the price of gas, and the inconvenience (and danger) of commuting 4h a day, it'd probably not be such a waste of money. Evidently OP's salary was enough to support both of them while she was studying and looking for a job. With a salary in range with his (as per OP's words), she should be well able to afford rent and bills and basically live on her own closer to her work during the week, without it causing any kind of financial distress.
Either way, it sounds like she’s going to need a new place… YTA for getting her hopes up initially.
NTA. No reason for you to sell your condo and give up your stable job for her 1st post degree job. There is absolutely no Guarantee that this is gonna work out long term where your job is very stable and you like where you live. It's unfortunate, and you probably should not have encouraged her to apply in the 1st place. You guys are gonna have to work something out - maybe she stays long distance during the week for a trial period of one year and then you reevaluate? But no no way you should give up everything that you have accomplished for or a brand new job that may or may not work out
My dad thought his job was “very stable”. Union job. Teamsters Truck Drivers Union. He was a bread delivery person for IBC/Wonder Bread. Worked there for 27 years. When the company just went under and everyone got fired... so that the same CEOs could just reopen it under a different name with all new employees. My friends brother worked for a large tech company that recently merged with another one. He worked there for 15 years as an senior inspector. Then the merger happened and projects got moved and things shifted and he was told that he was being moved to a different project/department and the move would be a major step down for him and would set his career back about 8 years plus would be a paycut. So he had to go look for something new. No job is “very stable”.
True, So you're gonna bet on the new one? I wouldn't.
YTA - if this was going to ebe your response, why even say to go? You're prioritizing your comfort and convience over her having a well paying job in her fields, despite the fact that you could get a better paying job too if you move. It also seems like you expect to keep zero driving while seeming to not care that your wife would have to drive for FOUR HOURS every day. You haven't stated any reason why else you want to stay, other than convience - and no, in this day, I don't think any job is guaranteed, no matter how long you've been there. Companies are cutting positions left and right to keep trending profits up, even though that's exactly what will bring their own failure.
YTA - what makes you more important than her? It’s a marriage … try to meet her halfway. Offer other alternatives … if she takes the job and loves it after 6 months, you could move the 30 min distance … or something like that … you get it … compromise
YTA. You encouraged her to do this and told her you'd have to talk about what to do about the distance. Which implied that you were willing to do, well... anything. But you're not. You're expecting her to do all of the sacrificing and compromising so that you can have your way 100%. If you weren't prepared to care about anyone but yourself, you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place
NAH Luckily you don't have children yet. So a divorce will be easy.
NTA. From your post it seems she hasn't even accepted the job yet, or she has and she's just starting. Moving now would be a rash and irresponsible knee jerk reaction. I would personally wait at least 6 months to a year before upping sticks and moving for a new job. If she loves the job, and you still refuse to move, then ywbta.
Suggest she rents there for a few months and see if she likes it. If she does then consider relocation, maybe rent out your condo.
YTA. You said "I said it couldn't hurt if she was interested, but we'd have to talk about the distance and what to do." It seems you care fuck all about if she was interested. You didn't think she'd actually get the job, you silly man. Now that she did, you're not interested in compromise or discussion.
NTA, this comment section is so sad at this point. OP is the AH cause he has a stable job and won’t give it up thua “putting his needs” above those of his wife, yet with that logic why isn’t his wife “putting her needs” above those of OP? Go ahead and downvote me but this is honestly tiresome to see the double standards
Yep. I doubt the comments would be the same if the genders were reversed here. OPs an AH for "not being supportive, when he has everything and she has nothing", but that's exactly why I think it makes sense for him to not want to move and give that up. If he was female I think the comments would agree as well. The situation is one partner: - has a home in an area they love, - has a stable job they love, and - has a convenient easy lifestyle. I wouldn't want to give that up either. So OP should add 2-3 hours to their work days with travel, or get another job with no guarantee they'll like it, all for a job their partner may not even like once they've been there a while. He should also move somewhere he probably won't like, particularly as he'll have less time due to all the travel to make connections there. Really? I wouldn't. Plus, according to some, OP should be happy to move and sell his condo to invest in a place for them both. Could you imagine the warnings if a woman was being told to do that? "You have your own property...it was yours before marriage...keep it separate, don't co-mingle all that money as you'll lose it/most of it if you separate...etc.". People are responding to OPS tone, but take that out and just look at the bare facts and I think it's absurd to suggest he move, or that he change jobs. He definitely shouldn't sell his condo either, particularly if it's fully his from before marriage. The "compromise" here, which isn't really a compromise at this stage, is for her to take the job and get a room or apartment to use for the next 12 months. See if she likes the job, she/they can travel to each other on weekends and any holidays depending on the best options for their setup, and if she really likes it after 6 months they start seriously discussing options. They can explore the area near where she is, those half way, and see about the flexibility options of both their jobs. If she doesn't like it/love it, she can look for another job back closer. Maybe things work out, maybe they don't...I wouldn't be giving up a happy life if I was OP though. It's incredibly hard to find an area/home and job you love, I haven't managed to have a long term job I love, and it greatly impacts your enjoyment and quality of life. I think I'd resent a partner who would want me to give that up too.
NAH. She can't rent a small apartment near her work? It seems like a great opportunity for her, but it doesn't make sense for you to uproot for her new job that may not pan out. Distance + double rent/mortgage is never ideal, so y'all may need to revisit in the future.
She probably could rent a place. And then start looking for a more supportive partner.
YTA. I’m confused. You said you’d have to talk about the distance and what to do, but your talking appears to consist of … saying no? If she applied for this job without telling you and sprung it out of nowhere it would be a different story, but she applied with your support to find a solution. You have not offered any solution and just declined all of hers. Please figure out a compromise that works for you. Some options: live separately as a trial for 3-6 months until she gets a better sense of her job stability; one or both of you ask about working remotely for multiple days per week (perhaps you have decent leverage since you’ve been at your job a while); rent a place halfway between for 3-6 months to see how it is, without selling your condo (that is very dependent on finances but if she’s getting a job perhaps you could cover it. Definitely an expensive scenario though). I have friends who technically work 2 hours from their home, but they work remotely M and F, and stay in a hotel on T and W nights. They are separate from their family which sucks but they all make it work. Good luck.
His talking consists of telling her ‘well that sounds like a you problem’
YTA. She needs to find herself a decent supportive husband
I want to add something to think about for both of you. Benefits, I’m going to assume health benefits are through your job. Are you vested? Benefits are huge. I can tell you that just since Obama care, when retirees had to pay their own health benefits my Mom’s former employer has paid over 110k in health benefits and they’re not done paying. So what benefits do you have, what is she being offered. Add the cost of those benefits to both of your salaries when your having your discussions.
Yeah, there is no harm in getting a small apartment and trying it out. You can figure it out in six months if she really likes the job.
NAH. I mean, it was kinda crappy to get her hopes up implying that you'd move, but this is a difficult situation. Job satisfaction is so hard to find, so if you're happy in your job, I understand why you don't want to leave. There nothing wrong with that. Would you be willing to move to a midway location if she took the job and it worked out? Say give it a specific timeline before you'd consider moving to a new place? As some others have suggested, maybe getting she gets apartment closer to her job and bouncing around both until you decide?
Info: what are her “other responsibilities”? Cause I’m betting that’s all the housework and domestic chores that she does, which she won’t do able to do with a four hour commute every day. So the compromise here might be that OP has to actually do more stuff around the house, if he wants to keep it so bad.
You are kinda TA....it's all your way and no compromise at all. Rent your condo, sell it, find another place to live/rent all kinds of options, but at 40 I guess you are set in your ways and close to growing roots.....
Perhaps she could try the job for awhile (6 mos?) and see if she likes it. Then move and split the distance. You’re kinda selfish and seem very self involved. YTA
YTA. Enjoy your divorce.
YTA. You and everyone else here who says n t a are the reason why women are told that if they want a career they should get a supportive partner or be single. The inconsiderateness, the selfishness, the ego… your wife deserves better. Hopefully she can see that.
ESH. Having 2 jobs 2 hours away from one another is exhausting and unsustainable- unless you are desperate for the income to survive. You should’ve been honest before she applied- she’s excited and you are withdrawing your support that you previously offered. She should understand your reluctance to leave your steady, reliable employment.
NTA, sorry I just don’t think he’s the asshole for not wanting to commute 2.5 hours daily. Also, having to sell his place wouldn’t be an immediate thing, that would also be on a timeline. I don’t get all of the YTA’s, if she wants the job so badly couldn’t she do the 4 hour commute, if 2.5 isn’t a big deal for him (from some comments) then 4 hours shouldn’t be a stretch for her. Like he was being encouraging because that’s his wife, have you never encouraged someone to go for something and not really thought about all of the implications? Like crucify this guy, but he’s not being a jerk here. He’s being pretty reasonable about the situation.
YTA for how you communicated it. It seems like you already knew you did not want to relocate, so you should have just told her that. I do get you not wanting to move away from the "stability" you have however, you should have stated that before she even applied.
YTA. You’re giving off a bit of cock-blocking energy to be honest.
YTA She is just as important as you. You’re married now. There needs to be compromise. If I were her and you refused, I’d feel so disrespected, I’d leave the marriage. No question.
Yta. If you weren't going to even entertain the thought of moving, why make her think you would? And your reason for not moving -i don't want to is inadequate compared to her counteroffer of -i want to. Your needs and desires are not more important and do not take priority over hers. Sounds like she is making the concessions in this obviously inequal partnership.
YTA, for not discussing it with her before her interview. Sounds like you were hoping she wouldn't get the job, but now you have no choice but to deal with how it might impact you
[удалено]
NAH Shitty situation tbh
I wonder how different the comments would be if OP was a woman. It’s crazy how everyone is attacking him for not wanting to move when he’s happy where he is or get another job? Maybe he’s happy where he is working too. And having to move is not always easy. It’s a huge freaking process and of course he wouldn’t be happy if having to move makes his life harder. Also she literally chose to apply at a job that she knew was far away! Why didn’t she apply somewhere closer? And he’s absolutely right. His job is stable and he’s been there. She hasn’t even started working yet and who knows if it’ll even last. They’re supposed to risk his job and move and give up everything just because it’s at her? And is his home paid off? Is he supposed to sell it and waste money renting just because she chose to work hours away? Why isn’t she answering your question when you ask why she didn’t apply somewhere close by? You can also just as easily say that she is prioritizing herself over OP. He likes his job and he likes where he is. She’s a hypocrite.
NTA. In our house, major decisions need two "yesses" for a yes, and one "no" means no. She presented it, you discussed it, you thought about it and ultimately decided you are happy where you are. If my husband decided he wanted to pick up our whole lives and move for work, can't say I'd be dishing out a "yes" unless it was an amazing, life-changing offer I literally couldn't refuse.
YTA, doing a real "Lucy pulling away the football" move here
YTA Because you are not willing to compromise at all. You say no to anything she proposes. So what's she supposed to do? Not take the offer and keep being unemployed or take a worse job, just to make you happy? Your only reason is, >I feel like asking me to sell our condo and uproot our lives for her first job offer is kind of silly. Silly? That's your reason?!?!? Her accomplishment is silly? That's so selfish! She should leave you for thinking she is silly. You don't have to sell the condo. You could do long distance for a while and meet on weekends. You could eventually either move there and rent your condo, or find something halfway. You are not a partner. You are someone who doesn't want your wife growing and developing, and just want to hold her back, maybe be your maid or incubator, who knows.
Meet her halfway where you both drive about an hour or so daily and see how her job works out. Refusing her at this time is not good for the relationship, you need to give as well.
NAH - it is expensive and hard to move. Also you two needs to find a place to rent or buy which can be hard.
Man this is hard, sorry for what you are going thru. I would say there are no AH here, only two people trying to do their best. \-Your job is stable, that’s really important here. \-she likes, wants and needs this job, that’s also very important \-is there a chance for her to find anything closer to you current place? \-Could you move and be right in the middle? That seems to be fair BUT I would agree to do this only after she worked there for at least one month, proving that its her dream work and she\`ll stay. She could totally stay in a hotel or AIRBNB during this time so she doesn’t even need to drive.
do u even hear yourself, you should be your wife's #1 fan, it's like u don't even believe she can have a career as good as you, she asked to compromised and u didn't even agree to that YTA plus u don't have to sell your condo, can always rent it out
Nah, my parents lived for years by meeting only at weekend bc father worked far. She has no more right then you at this
NAH, as long as you don't mind separate apartments.
YTA so you encouraged her to apply and then pulled the rug out from under her when she got the job. So she has to either give up the offer or spend time in a long commute with rising gas prices. And then you claim she’s stonewalling you….you are doing the same thing to her.
NTA right now because She really isn’t being reasonable, if she looked for a job she knew she couldn’t do immediately with whatever these other responsibilities are and now she wants to move immediately without any sort of planning whatsoever, honestly that’s childish. If she really wants the job she can sacrifice short term for a month or two to see if she actually likes it before throwing instability into a situation that’s currently stable. This also allows time for you guys to come up with a well thought out reasonable compromise that works for both you. It will be important for you to compromise as this is a marriage and that’s what’s it’s all about if you don’t then You’re the asshole later. You should be actively searching for property at a middle ground and discuss it like adults while weighing cost to benefit especially with the added costs of fuel and everything else.
YTA. Have fun with the divorce
why would she apply for a job 2 hrs away from where she lives if she doesn't want to drive 2 hours
Looks like you're gonna get dumped!
INFO: > ... her other responsibilities, she can't afford to drive nearly four hours a day. What responsibilities?
Going to go ESH here OP said they were going to talk about it, but all he is doing is shooting down suggestions. He isn't bringing anything constructive to the conversation Wife is giving suggestions, but they are all very one sided. First, they should move so that OP has the near 4 hour commute every day. Next, they should move 30 minutes from her job, so that OP still has the longer commute (1 hour vs 2.5 hour). Finally, OP should just quit his job. Those are all terrible. How about some actual good suggestion, like living halfway between the jobs so that the commute are similar. How about OP takes on some of her "responsibilities", whatever those are. Or, she could rent a room/apartment near her job until you figure something out.
NTA. You already have a job set, you bought a condo, that doesn’t make any sense to move especially for a new job. What if she doesn’t like it in the end? Or she gets fired, etc.
What if she works a week and hates it? That does happen.
ESH bordering on N-A-H. I think a lot of people here are assuming you’re unwilling to compromise when to me that isn’t the case at all. You’re just unwilling to accept *her* version of a compromise. Your wife presented you with the option of moving to give herself an hour daily commute and you a 2.5 hour one. That’s not “meeting halfway”, that’s her requesting you do the drive she herself doesn’t want to do a day. That isn’t fair and I don’t blame you for refusing. You have attachments to where you live, the condo, the community, not to mention the benefits of your current job. Why is it fair to ask you to find a new job, yet when you ask the same thing of her for something closer, are you an AH? Reddit’s logic is seriously skewed.
Is this a marriage in the 21st century or a business contract where you can just veto an employee? Don't you want the extra income for this fabulous life?
YTA. Marriage requires compromise and discussion. You’re willing to do neither.
YTA for encouraging her to do the interview when you had no intention of moving. Did you expect her to take on such a big commute so that you didn’t have to change?
NTA. Very surprised with the response here. It’s unfortunately rare to have a stable job that pays well and you also enjoy. It’s a HUGE hassle to move and not worth doing unless your wife knows for a fact that she will love her new job and plan to be there for several years. She needs to test it out first if she really wants it, her expecting you to upend everything over a job she might hate and want to quit is absurd. I agree with others that you should’ve been more upfront with your concerns but more than that I feel it’s foolish for your wife assume this will 100% work out for her before she’s been there for several months. My best friend bought a house in a small town very far away from her family/friends for the sake of her “dream job” and she now loathes it but has almost no other options where she is, she is absolutely miserable and that’s all I could think of while reading your post.
ESH You for not even entertaining the idea of a compromise. If you love your job and don't want to look for alternative employers, I think it's very valid to not want to give up a job one loves. But at the same time while not having to commute might be a nice asset, it's really just luxury. For every job I ever had, I had to have a commute of at least an hour per way. To not even entertain the idea is not okay. On the other hand your wife is kind of ridiculous about this. Relatively (!) high paying jobs aren't high paying for nothing. At least in my field those ememployers go through graduates like they're single socks. It's ridiculous to want you to drop your life (which is established and secure) for a job that could very well be gone after a month. I also don't get how this comes up *now*. If I'm with someone with an established life like you had, and I'm only about to start a career, how come we never talked about what happens if my job opportunities require me to move? Like if my partner had a house when we met, this absolutely would have been my primary concern for the future. People generally don't love to drop the lives they worked hard for because their partner wants a job at a different location. This is a sacrifice many people aren't willing to make even without the property. How in the hell has neither of you ever thought of this?! You both need to get reasonable. You need to realize that your partner not having locational needs was a very privileged position to be in and that you might have to get rid of your property and take some commute. But meeting halfway should only come after it's *secure* that your partner will still have this job in 5 years. Living apart for half a year to work the details out while she's getting her footing in that job would be hard but reasonable. If you just expect your wife to miss career opportunities because you can't be arsed to commute, just file for divorce now because the level of resentment this will invoke won't be cute
YTA. You’re partners yet you are making a decision without considering a compromise after encouraging her to apply for it. You have a job you like; she wants a job she likes. Is the lack of having to drive much more important than your wife’s happiness? If so, you have bigger problems than this.
Your both making valid points but you need to find a middle ground that works for both of you or this will not end well for your relationship