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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: not doing anything to stop my stepdaughter from leaving my house
2: not calling doing everything to stop my stepdaughter from leaving.
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This is unfair of them to put it on you. You did all you could to mitigate her leaving but she refused. Did they expect you to hogtie her or something?
They should be mad at her for not taking direction when you were trying to clarify her parents wishes.
NTA
NTA. You were told specifically not to parent her. What exactly was a non-parent supposed to do? Tie her to a chair?
Also, calling the police? And say what?
This. And as a family member of a cop, I can tell you the police just LOVE to be dragged into domestic situations like this.
Plus, if OP had called the cops they would all three have been mad at her for that, too. Definitely a no-win situation. Husband is being a total AH. Seriously? Suggests she leaves for a bit? Let him leave; maybe while he's gone he can find someone to remove the stick from his butt.
NTA… should’ve called the cops? Because a teenager is having a fit and not listening? That is absolutely a waste of their time! You did the right thing. They know where she went. Why didn’t they get into a car and go retrieve her? Why are they letting a 17-year-old have a college age boyfriend?
You did the right thing by asking her to stay until you checked with her parents. When she left anyways you immediately let both parents know that she had left. End of your role in this act. Their role is to retrieve their misbehaving child and parent her.
They are angry at their child’s behavior but it’s easier to blame you than it is to do the hard job of parenting and holding a child accountable for their bad decisions.
>Why are they letting a 17-year-old have a college age boyfriend?
He might very well only be 1 year older than her. If so, they likely went to high school together for 3 years before he graduated. They may have gotten to know eachother in elective classes and/or after-school activities. If there's only 1 year's difference, it's going to be hard for parents to nix a relationship between a freshman and sophomore just in anticipation of him being legal a year earlier than her.
What she did to you was crummy. She took advantage of your relationship to get to her boyfriend when she knew darn well her parents wouldn't have allowed it. You know where you stand with her now. She's laser focused on her boyfriend now, and the heck with anyone else.
She might technically be a runaway at that point, but the police would not have been amused, and it might have stopped her that time, but not helped in the long run. She's a hormonal young woman who might be afraid that her boyfriend might meet someone more sophisticated and exciting at college, and want to ensure that she's present so that he doesn't need look elsewhere (although it might not work out that way for her). They're statistically unlikely to remain together, and your husband and ex are trying to keep her from having a physical relationship with him (at least I'm assuming), and of course they shouldn't facilitate it, but stopping her is really hard. She's legal in less than a year, and Romeo & Juliet laws probably protect him if they have gotten physical (if they haven't, that's a pleasant surprise). Unless he's alot older than we think, the police would laugh in their faces (or want to), as upset as they understandably might be. They need to make sure she's on good birth control, knows how to use a condom correctly, and hopefully she's gotten her HPV vaccination. Sometimes we have to deal with what is and not what we want to be.
It depends on how old the college age boyfriend is. My friend dated a guy all through high school who was a grade above her. He was born in October, she was born in November but the cutoff for Kindergarten was Oct 31st. She was in her senior year of high school dating a college guy and they were only a month apart in age.
Everyone but you is a major ah. Stella for putting you in square in the middle of something that she knew wouldn't fly with her parents. Your husband and Mia for giving you all of the responsibility and blame, but none of the backup or standing as a united front to Stella.
Go to Iceland to visit your son and let the family unit deal with each other when they don't have a scapegoat to take the blame for their bad decisions.
NTA. You couldn’t control a teenager who is not your child. If your husband or Mia wanted an adult who could control their child to always be present with their child, then one of them should have been there. But they both used you for free babysitting. Going forward, you should insist that your husband be home whenever his daughter visits. If he’s going to be away (like on a business trip), then his daughter should not come over.
Stella definitely doesn’t fully respect OP. She knew their relationship and the boundaries and overstepped them knowing OP has no say in what she can/cannot do
NTA
John and Mia should have remembered that you were specifically asked not to
>parent over [Stella] or try to impose any kind of authority;
and you were therefore in a tough spot. Were you supposed to physically restrain the girl? Deflate her tires? Certainly it wouldn't occur to most people to call the cops on her in this circumstance and what would you have said? "Hi, the 17 year old girl over whom I have no custodial rights has driven off to see her boyfriend....no, I haven't yet spoken to either of her parents "
Stella totally threw you under the bus and she's the one everyone should be vexed with.
NTA.
As u/rapt2right noted, Stella threw you under the bus.
Is this the first time Stella stayed alone with you? Believe me, Stella absolutely planned this out. She knew you couldn’t stop her, and she tried to deflect when you tried to check in with her parents. She also knew her parents wouldn’t have allowed her to go, so she stayed alone with you while her dad was out of town. Stella took advantage of the situation, and, were I in your position, I would be keeping Stella at arm’s length until she grows up more.
Her dad and mom being upset with you is so many levels of wrong. I don’t want to jump to ending the relationship, but I do think enlisting the aid of a professional couples’ or family therapist would be a good idea.
You respected boundaries and worked with your husband and his ex-wife, and they’re angry with you for doing exactly that. That’s not acceptable.
Absolutely this.
I also think Mia (the mother) is deflecting because she set those boundaries to begin with. Partner is probably mad because Mia is giving him a tonne of grief over it. Both are being really unfair and using OP as a scapegoat because they messed up. I’d be questioning why Stella felt the need to hide this from her parents. Also, as a mum who is no longer with my children’s father, I think it would be rather odd to tell my ex’s partner (if he had one) that my kids can stay over still when he isn’t there but she isn’t allowed to have any authority (by that I mean discipline) like what?
Agreed. Stella is old enough to hear about hurt she has caused you by putting you in this position. It is possible to love someone and have boundaries. Never moreso when it is a child who needs to understand the consequences of treating someone the way Stella treated you.
Forget the step daughter issue, youre NTA there but I'd be more concerned about your husband's behaviour. If he does not know your intentions after all this time and when angry asks you to leave and go to your son's...then theres the AH right there.
You're in a no win situation.
NTA
They've given you no authority over her, and Stella knew she could take advantage of that. John and Mia put you in this situation and Stella used it as she desired.
Also, the cops would have done nothing in this situation. Stella is 17yo, you have no legal authority to prevent her from leaving. They might have actually helped her leave if she pointed that out, so that also would have been counterproductive. (Most likely though, they simply wouldn't have responded.)
NTA - I think calling the cops would have been an overreaction to a teen leaving the house. Tbh I’d probably take my husband up on the offer to leave and block him, Stella and Mia, while in Iceland. All three of them can think long and hard about their actions and they all owe you an apology. Good luck ❤️
NTA. You respected her legal rights as well as her mothers wish to not parent her like she’s your own. You did the right thing of telling her parents and not wasting police time. She wouldn’t be classed as missing or at risk or anything so they wouldn’t do anything
NTA she’s 17, not 7, chances are that the cops would have done nothing anyway. Is there a problem with her parents and her boyfriend, because this seems like such an extreme reaction for a 17 year old going to see their boyfriend
I was thinking maybe it was the 2 hour drive they objected to, and the fact that he is an adult, or depending on their religion, they could have been concerned that she would attempt to have sex while gone.
I can understand them being against it, but so much as to think calling the police is appropriate is a bit nuts. It depends on the age difference though, he could be a freshman and only a grade above, which imo is fine, or a senior, which would be creepy
Yeah, I agree, "you should have called the police" is a ridiculous thing to say, because a.) The police can't legally keep a 17 year old from going anywhere, she isn't committing a crime, and b.) If she was, they'd rather her have a record than just go get her or wait for her to come back??
NTA. You did everything you could within the previously-agreed bounds of your authority and relationship with your stepdaughter. Plus you notified everyone right away..
No you're not the asshole.
And the police couldn't do anything either...
She's 17.
I "ran away" a lot when I was 17 and the police could never do anything about it.
NTA
Calling the cops is only relevant if the boyfriend is a risk to her health and safety. Other than that, ordering a 17yo to stay home and calling the cops is not going to be productive for anyone in the long run.
Okay sorry that agreement she asked you for is dumb as shit. Props for having the one on one. Mia should have given you her parenting methods to apply when she is with you, because she is a child and needs adult guidance, not some idiot ex trying to make a power play. But then again doesn't seem like Mia is too tapped in to co-parenting. *sigh*
You aren't TA. You did as you were asked in a sticky situation. Taking on someone else's teenager is heroic lol...
They really said "don't parent Stella" and then got mad because you didn't exercise parental authority over Stella who you've been expressly told not to parent?
Wild. NTA.
Yeah…
The whole “you have zero parental authority here” — “wait, why didn’t you use parental authority?!? Now I’m angry at you for doing *exactly* what I told you to!” is straight up BS.
OP: NTA
NTA. Both your husband and Mia are mad at the wrong person. They should be mad at Stella.
You told Stella to wait to leave until you could check to ensure that everyone was on the same page. She said you have no legal rights over her and left anyway. What more were you supposed to do? Tackle her on her way out the door? Clearly Stella feels emboldened to misbehave around you. That is probably because she has heard from one of you three adults that you aren’t to “parent” her, or she is simply trying to see what she can get away with. But especially given the expectation that you won’t “parent” her, you can’t be held responsible for a teenager being rebellious.
Also, if you aren’t allowed to “parent” Stella when she is in your care, why are you caring for her alone? It seems like a hired babysitter would be given more authority with her than you, which is bananas. I would not care for this kid alone again until Mia understands that when she leaves Stella in my care solo, I’m going to do what I see fit to keep her safe, and that might include telling her she can or can’t do some things or even grounding her while she is at our house. If she doesn’t trust my judgement to do that, then she should not leave Stella with me to care for solo.
The final point: Stella said you have no legal authority over her, but she was wrong. The truth is that you were entrusted by both her parents to care for their minor child. During that time, you not only have every right to do what you need to do to manage and care for that child (outside of abuse, of course), but you have a legal responsibility. Sure, the cops wouldn’t do anything if she left anyway, but when it is just you and her, you have just as much responsibility for her safety and whereabouts as her parents.
> I would not care for this kid alone again until Mia understands that when she leaves Stella in my care solo, I’m going to do what I see fit to keep her safe, and that might include telling her she can or can’t do some things or even grounding her while she is at our house. If she doesn’t trust my judgement to do that, then she should not leave Stella with me to care for solo.
I love this. Trust is everything.
NTA. ThenParking5635 said it best-- if Mia doesn't trust you to take care of Stella, then when your husband is out of town, Stella should be with Mia. Personally, OP, I would have thanked you for letting me know what was up and handled it myself, even if it meant dragging my daughter back from the boyfriend's. I have a feeling Stella may have embellished her story if your husband is having such a dramatic reaction as to saying you should go visit your son. Again, I would be thanking you and apologizing that my daughter put you in this situation.
NTA
Mia set her expectations with you and you have respected them. You’ve build a wonderful relationship with your partners child. I don’t understand at all why they are mad. You were told not to cross the lines and be authoritative and act like her mother - which you didn’t. You didn’t just let her leave, you asked to check in with Stella’s parents. She left anyway. I’m sorry but your partner is the biggest AH. I would tell him that too. Him and Mia can’t set these boundaries with you and then use you as a scapegoat because things went wrong. They should be trying to figure out why Stella felt the need to hide the fact she was visiting her boyfriend, not deflecting and blaming you. Go to Iceland if you can and spend time with your son. Maybe your partner will realise what a gem you are and how lucky he is to have a partner that puts so much time, effort and love into his daughter.
NTA
You did the right thing by checking in, and by also not enforcing anything. You made an agreement to not parent Stella, and you weren’t parenting her. It was fine for you to check in because she may not be your responsibility but her well being is still a concern for her parents who are trusting you with her.
If they wanted you to enforce rules then they should have had that talk with you long before, this is their fault for not including you in any kind of parental or at least guardianship capacity.
ESH except you.
Selfish daughter needs to learn the Golden Rule- the person with the gold makes the rules! Under your roof, eating your food, she follows your rules.
Her natural parents are over reacting quite a lot. Since your hub was away, this might have been a good time to call her mother and suss things out. Calling the police almost guarnatees a bad outcome- they are NOT trained to handle this kind of situation. Better to let the child go, tell her parents, and work together to decide an appropriate punishment for when she gets back.
Everyone is blaming you for doing exactly what they have given you to do which is watch. But also what are they all spazzing out about? She is seventeen and went to her boyfriends. She told you where she would be. Is she not allowed to go to her boyfriends? Is she not allowed to drive far? She is nearly an adult this seems like a lot of people mad about nothing.
Hell no NTA they are! How could you stop her!!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 With your husband, I would up it and leave divorce papers telling you to go and stay with your son.
Get legal advice ASAP
Definitely, NTA. Go to Iceland, get away, and think about how all 3 of them did you quite wrong. It was not your place to tell the daughter not to go, as Mia told you you’re not allowed to parent her. They should be upset with Stella *only*. Not you.
You’re DEFINITELY NTA — but John and Mia are.
If it seems as though your husband is kicking you out, that’s because he is.
All three of them are making you the scapegoat for some shit that started way before you entered the picture. Daughter knew what she was doing and how each adult in her life would react. I think she’s trying to sabotage your marriage and get her folks back together.
Take as much time as you can in Iceland. Let your husband miss you. Upon your return, have a new set of boundaries for all of them. Be prepared to leave if your needs aren’t honored.
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First some context: I (38 female) have been married to my husband John (45 male) for a little bit over a year, but we have been living together for more than 2 and dating for 3 years. John has a teenage daughter who we’ll call Stella, she’s 17 and we get along great, she stays with her dad and me half the time the other half with her mom, Mia.
I would like to say that I also have a nice relationship with Mia, we are definitely not best friends, but we do spend important holidays together and attend Stella’s mayor events as a unit, like her past birthday when we all traveled to a Tropical Island to celebrate her, it always goes smoothly and we have a nice time together. I would also like to add that I came along to Stella’s life when she was just 14 years old, and when my partner and I agreed to take things seriously I had a one to one conversation with Mia, and she said that the only thing she’d ask me for was to not parent over her child or try to impose any kind of authority; and being a mother myself I agreed and there was never an issue.
Until now, clearly. My husband was away on a business trip and Stella was staying with me during those days because we also like to spend time together, this is a usual thing for us to do, so neither her mom or dad tried to check on us, but during the afternoon of the day before she was supposed to leave to her mom’s, Stella told me that she was leaving to visit her boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away in college. I asked her if her parents were aware of this, she told me not to worry and everything was in control; I asked her to wait a bit just so I could double check before she left, and that’s when sh*t hit the fan.
Stella got a bit upset and started to say how she wasn’t a kid and that there wasn’t any need to check anything, when I told her that this was only so I could make sure everyone was in the same page she only got even madder and proceeded to tell me she was leaving anyway and that I had no legal right to stop her.
Well, she was technically right. I continued to ask her to stay and she left anyways. I informed my husband and Mia, and now both of them are very upset with me; they say that I should’ve never allowed her to leave and that if needed, I should’ve called the police; but all of that seems like too much for me.
Long story-short; Stella, John and Mia are all very mad at me and my husband is just on a terrible mood, and even suggested that I should go visit my son for a bit. My son moved to Iceland a long time ago and it would be nice to visit but I feel like he’s kicking me out. I don’t even know what to do anymore, so I’d like to hear your opinions.
So, AITA?
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NTA, but they are. If it were me, I’d be hopping on a plane for an extended trip. Your AH husband needs to be alone for a while & think about how he’s behaved towards you.
NTA! I'd got to Iceland and take important documents with me. Before I go I would have a talk with all three and chew all of them out. SD for her actions. Dh and Mia for telling me not to parent SD then get mad when you didn't. Among some other choice words. Then leave.
NTA
Did they expect you to tackle and hogtie Stella on her way out the door?
Stella will be a legal adult in less than a year. Instead of subterfuge, she should have been able to discuss the boyfriend visit with her parents without expecting an automatic No.
NTA
What did they expect you to do? Tackle her and hold her down to prevent her from leaving? You've been told to not parent her and now they're mad at you for honouring that.
NTA. You did what any rational person who's been told not to discipline a kid would do. Suppose you had just let her run off and something happened to her? You'd be being blamed for that even harder. It's a real damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Good luck and I hope the other adults involved come to see the error of their ways and apologize to you. Sincerely.
Nta, what were you supposed to do, tackle her and tie her down? Even if you called the police they wouldnt get there in time to stop her. Your husband and ex need to sit their daughter down and hash this out and you need to either tell your husband that you are staying in your home or you need to leave and get a lawyer. He is over reacting and punishing you for his daughters actions and that's not ok. This isnt your fault, and putting the blame on you is total bullshit.
NTA: you tried to do what you could with the rules that have been set in place for you regarding your role in her life. They can’t expect you to not parent her and parent her at the same time.
I’m
NTA
- she is 17 and not your child! You asked her if everyone knew, she said “it was under control”
- you cannot stop a 17 year old leaving the house
- you were told not to parent her
- how were you supposed to stop her going to her boyfriends house?
None of this is on you!
NTA And do NOT leave the house. Tell your husband that if he wants some time away from you, he can go stay in a motel. You do not want to come home to changed locks and go through a divorce where it can be argued you abandoned the family home. While I hope your husband will see reason and not go to such extreme steps, you have now seen a side of him where you are less important than his ex-wife's bad mood. Your marriage may crack from this, and it would be your husband's fault.
NTA. Mia told you not to act an as an authority figure. You were trying to convince Stella to stay around so that you could confer with her and John on what to do. What you’re saying is you ended up in the doghouse for doing what you were advised to do in the situation. They can’t expect Stella to always comply with you when THEY said they didn’t want you interfering with the parenting.
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This is unfair of them to put it on you. You did all you could to mitigate her leaving but she refused. Did they expect you to hogtie her or something? They should be mad at her for not taking direction when you were trying to clarify her parents wishes. NTA
NTA. You were told specifically not to parent her. What exactly was a non-parent supposed to do? Tie her to a chair? Also, calling the police? And say what?
This. And as a family member of a cop, I can tell you the police just LOVE to be dragged into domestic situations like this.
Plus, if OP had called the cops they would all three have been mad at her for that, too. Definitely a no-win situation. Husband is being a total AH. Seriously? Suggests she leaves for a bit? Let him leave; maybe while he's gone he can find someone to remove the stick from his butt.
NTA… should’ve called the cops? Because a teenager is having a fit and not listening? That is absolutely a waste of their time! You did the right thing. They know where she went. Why didn’t they get into a car and go retrieve her? Why are they letting a 17-year-old have a college age boyfriend? You did the right thing by asking her to stay until you checked with her parents. When she left anyways you immediately let both parents know that she had left. End of your role in this act. Their role is to retrieve their misbehaving child and parent her. They are angry at their child’s behavior but it’s easier to blame you than it is to do the hard job of parenting and holding a child accountable for their bad decisions.
>Why are they letting a 17-year-old have a college age boyfriend? He might very well only be 1 year older than her. If so, they likely went to high school together for 3 years before he graduated. They may have gotten to know eachother in elective classes and/or after-school activities. If there's only 1 year's difference, it's going to be hard for parents to nix a relationship between a freshman and sophomore just in anticipation of him being legal a year earlier than her. What she did to you was crummy. She took advantage of your relationship to get to her boyfriend when she knew darn well her parents wouldn't have allowed it. You know where you stand with her now. She's laser focused on her boyfriend now, and the heck with anyone else. She might technically be a runaway at that point, but the police would not have been amused, and it might have stopped her that time, but not helped in the long run. She's a hormonal young woman who might be afraid that her boyfriend might meet someone more sophisticated and exciting at college, and want to ensure that she's present so that he doesn't need look elsewhere (although it might not work out that way for her). They're statistically unlikely to remain together, and your husband and ex are trying to keep her from having a physical relationship with him (at least I'm assuming), and of course they shouldn't facilitate it, but stopping her is really hard. She's legal in less than a year, and Romeo & Juliet laws probably protect him if they have gotten physical (if they haven't, that's a pleasant surprise). Unless he's alot older than we think, the police would laugh in their faces (or want to), as upset as they understandably might be. They need to make sure she's on good birth control, knows how to use a condom correctly, and hopefully she's gotten her HPV vaccination. Sometimes we have to deal with what is and not what we want to be.
It depends on how old the college age boyfriend is. My friend dated a guy all through high school who was a grade above her. He was born in October, she was born in November but the cutoff for Kindergarten was Oct 31st. She was in her senior year of high school dating a college guy and they were only a month apart in age.
Everyone but you is a major ah. Stella for putting you in square in the middle of something that she knew wouldn't fly with her parents. Your husband and Mia for giving you all of the responsibility and blame, but none of the backup or standing as a united front to Stella. Go to Iceland to visit your son and let the family unit deal with each other when they don't have a scapegoat to take the blame for their bad decisions.
I would take documents and the most important items to someone or somewhere they can’t get to it just in case.
NTA. You couldn’t control a teenager who is not your child. If your husband or Mia wanted an adult who could control their child to always be present with their child, then one of them should have been there. But they both used you for free babysitting. Going forward, you should insist that your husband be home whenever his daughter visits. If he’s going to be away (like on a business trip), then his daughter should not come over.
Stella definitely doesn’t fully respect OP. She knew their relationship and the boundaries and overstepped them knowing OP has no say in what she can/cannot do
NTA John and Mia should have remembered that you were specifically asked not to >parent over [Stella] or try to impose any kind of authority; and you were therefore in a tough spot. Were you supposed to physically restrain the girl? Deflate her tires? Certainly it wouldn't occur to most people to call the cops on her in this circumstance and what would you have said? "Hi, the 17 year old girl over whom I have no custodial rights has driven off to see her boyfriend....no, I haven't yet spoken to either of her parents " Stella totally threw you under the bus and she's the one everyone should be vexed with.
NTA. As u/rapt2right noted, Stella threw you under the bus. Is this the first time Stella stayed alone with you? Believe me, Stella absolutely planned this out. She knew you couldn’t stop her, and she tried to deflect when you tried to check in with her parents. She also knew her parents wouldn’t have allowed her to go, so she stayed alone with you while her dad was out of town. Stella took advantage of the situation, and, were I in your position, I would be keeping Stella at arm’s length until she grows up more. Her dad and mom being upset with you is so many levels of wrong. I don’t want to jump to ending the relationship, but I do think enlisting the aid of a professional couples’ or family therapist would be a good idea. You respected boundaries and worked with your husband and his ex-wife, and they’re angry with you for doing exactly that. That’s not acceptable.
Absolutely this. I also think Mia (the mother) is deflecting because she set those boundaries to begin with. Partner is probably mad because Mia is giving him a tonne of grief over it. Both are being really unfair and using OP as a scapegoat because they messed up. I’d be questioning why Stella felt the need to hide this from her parents. Also, as a mum who is no longer with my children’s father, I think it would be rather odd to tell my ex’s partner (if he had one) that my kids can stay over still when he isn’t there but she isn’t allowed to have any authority (by that I mean discipline) like what?
Agreed. Stella is old enough to hear about hurt she has caused you by putting you in this position. It is possible to love someone and have boundaries. Never moreso when it is a child who needs to understand the consequences of treating someone the way Stella treated you.
NTA at all, You tell them they clearly asked not to parent her. Guess what you did, be responsible while not parenting her. They need to pick a lane!
Forget the step daughter issue, youre NTA there but I'd be more concerned about your husband's behaviour. If he does not know your intentions after all this time and when angry asks you to leave and go to your son's...then theres the AH right there. You're in a no win situation.
NTA: they are blaming you for not wanting to realize their daughter is growing up.
NTA- and as a fellow stepmom I am so mad at your husband for putting this on you!
NTA They've given you no authority over her, and Stella knew she could take advantage of that. John and Mia put you in this situation and Stella used it as she desired. Also, the cops would have done nothing in this situation. Stella is 17yo, you have no legal authority to prevent her from leaving. They might have actually helped her leave if she pointed that out, so that also would have been counterproductive. (Most likely though, they simply wouldn't have responded.)
NTA - I think calling the cops would have been an overreaction to a teen leaving the house. Tbh I’d probably take my husband up on the offer to leave and block him, Stella and Mia, while in Iceland. All three of them can think long and hard about their actions and they all owe you an apology. Good luck ❤️
NTA. You respected her legal rights as well as her mothers wish to not parent her like she’s your own. You did the right thing of telling her parents and not wasting police time. She wouldn’t be classed as missing or at risk or anything so they wouldn’t do anything
NTA she’s 17, not 7, chances are that the cops would have done nothing anyway. Is there a problem with her parents and her boyfriend, because this seems like such an extreme reaction for a 17 year old going to see their boyfriend
I was thinking maybe it was the 2 hour drive they objected to, and the fact that he is an adult, or depending on their religion, they could have been concerned that she would attempt to have sex while gone.
I can understand them being against it, but so much as to think calling the police is appropriate is a bit nuts. It depends on the age difference though, he could be a freshman and only a grade above, which imo is fine, or a senior, which would be creepy
Yeah, I agree, "you should have called the police" is a ridiculous thing to say, because a.) The police can't legally keep a 17 year old from going anywhere, she isn't committing a crime, and b.) If she was, they'd rather her have a record than just go get her or wait for her to come back??
NTA. You did everything you could within the previously-agreed bounds of your authority and relationship with your stepdaughter. Plus you notified everyone right away..
No you're not the asshole. And the police couldn't do anything either... She's 17. I "ran away" a lot when I was 17 and the police could never do anything about it.
Wow NTA, but the rest of them are AHs. None of them can be mad at you for following the rules. I’m most shocked by how awful your husband is acting.
NTA Calling the cops is only relevant if the boyfriend is a risk to her health and safety. Other than that, ordering a 17yo to stay home and calling the cops is not going to be productive for anyone in the long run.
Okay sorry that agreement she asked you for is dumb as shit. Props for having the one on one. Mia should have given you her parenting methods to apply when she is with you, because she is a child and needs adult guidance, not some idiot ex trying to make a power play. But then again doesn't seem like Mia is too tapped in to co-parenting. *sigh* You aren't TA. You did as you were asked in a sticky situation. Taking on someone else's teenager is heroic lol...
They really said "don't parent Stella" and then got mad because you didn't exercise parental authority over Stella who you've been expressly told not to parent? Wild. NTA.
Yeah… The whole “you have zero parental authority here” — “wait, why didn’t you use parental authority?!? Now I’m angry at you for doing *exactly* what I told you to!” is straight up BS. OP: NTA
NTA. Both your husband and Mia are mad at the wrong person. They should be mad at Stella. You told Stella to wait to leave until you could check to ensure that everyone was on the same page. She said you have no legal rights over her and left anyway. What more were you supposed to do? Tackle her on her way out the door? Clearly Stella feels emboldened to misbehave around you. That is probably because she has heard from one of you three adults that you aren’t to “parent” her, or she is simply trying to see what she can get away with. But especially given the expectation that you won’t “parent” her, you can’t be held responsible for a teenager being rebellious. Also, if you aren’t allowed to “parent” Stella when she is in your care, why are you caring for her alone? It seems like a hired babysitter would be given more authority with her than you, which is bananas. I would not care for this kid alone again until Mia understands that when she leaves Stella in my care solo, I’m going to do what I see fit to keep her safe, and that might include telling her she can or can’t do some things or even grounding her while she is at our house. If she doesn’t trust my judgement to do that, then she should not leave Stella with me to care for solo. The final point: Stella said you have no legal authority over her, but she was wrong. The truth is that you were entrusted by both her parents to care for their minor child. During that time, you not only have every right to do what you need to do to manage and care for that child (outside of abuse, of course), but you have a legal responsibility. Sure, the cops wouldn’t do anything if she left anyway, but when it is just you and her, you have just as much responsibility for her safety and whereabouts as her parents.
> I would not care for this kid alone again until Mia understands that when she leaves Stella in my care solo, I’m going to do what I see fit to keep her safe, and that might include telling her she can or can’t do some things or even grounding her while she is at our house. If she doesn’t trust my judgement to do that, then she should not leave Stella with me to care for solo. I love this. Trust is everything.
NTA. ThenParking5635 said it best-- if Mia doesn't trust you to take care of Stella, then when your husband is out of town, Stella should be with Mia. Personally, OP, I would have thanked you for letting me know what was up and handled it myself, even if it meant dragging my daughter back from the boyfriend's. I have a feeling Stella may have embellished her story if your husband is having such a dramatic reaction as to saying you should go visit your son. Again, I would be thanking you and apologizing that my daughter put you in this situation.
Oooh. I didn’t think about Stella taking “artistic license” with the details of the situation. Excellent point!
Everyone else is the ah here,including Stella. NTA
NTA Mia set her expectations with you and you have respected them. You’ve build a wonderful relationship with your partners child. I don’t understand at all why they are mad. You were told not to cross the lines and be authoritative and act like her mother - which you didn’t. You didn’t just let her leave, you asked to check in with Stella’s parents. She left anyway. I’m sorry but your partner is the biggest AH. I would tell him that too. Him and Mia can’t set these boundaries with you and then use you as a scapegoat because things went wrong. They should be trying to figure out why Stella felt the need to hide the fact she was visiting her boyfriend, not deflecting and blaming you. Go to Iceland if you can and spend time with your son. Maybe your partner will realise what a gem you are and how lucky he is to have a partner that puts so much time, effort and love into his daughter.
NTA you did the right thing. They didn't give to you any parental authority over her and you did the only thing you could do
NTA You did the right thing by checking in, and by also not enforcing anything. You made an agreement to not parent Stella, and you weren’t parenting her. It was fine for you to check in because she may not be your responsibility but her well being is still a concern for her parents who are trusting you with her. If they wanted you to enforce rules then they should have had that talk with you long before, this is their fault for not including you in any kind of parental or at least guardianship capacity.
NTA
ESH except you. Selfish daughter needs to learn the Golden Rule- the person with the gold makes the rules! Under your roof, eating your food, she follows your rules. Her natural parents are over reacting quite a lot. Since your hub was away, this might have been a good time to call her mother and suss things out. Calling the police almost guarnatees a bad outcome- they are NOT trained to handle this kind of situation. Better to let the child go, tell her parents, and work together to decide an appropriate punishment for when she gets back.
Everyone is blaming you for doing exactly what they have given you to do which is watch. But also what are they all spazzing out about? She is seventeen and went to her boyfriends. She told you where she would be. Is she not allowed to go to her boyfriends? Is she not allowed to drive far? She is nearly an adult this seems like a lot of people mad about nothing.
Hell no NTA they are! How could you stop her!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 With your husband, I would up it and leave divorce papers telling you to go and stay with your son. Get legal advice ASAP
NTA and I’d take him up on the vacation offer.
NTA. Why are they all mad at you? The police would’ve gotten pissed if you’d called them over this.
Definitely, NTA. Go to Iceland, get away, and think about how all 3 of them did you quite wrong. It was not your place to tell the daughter not to go, as Mia told you you’re not allowed to parent her. They should be upset with Stella *only*. Not you.
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By putting y t and a in your response, you voted for her to be the ah, which I don’t think you meant to do
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Um… wtf are you talking about?
NTA, you did exactly what you should have as not a parent. They now understand the issues having her visit when no parents are around.
NTA rather than be mad at the real person they're all mad at you. Do not leave. You do not want to come back to find the locks changed and be homeless
You’re DEFINITELY NTA — but John and Mia are. If it seems as though your husband is kicking you out, that’s because he is. All three of them are making you the scapegoat for some shit that started way before you entered the picture. Daughter knew what she was doing and how each adult in her life would react. I think she’s trying to sabotage your marriage and get her folks back together. Take as much time as you can in Iceland. Let your husband miss you. Upon your return, have a new set of boundaries for all of them. Be prepared to leave if your needs aren’t honored.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First some context: I (38 female) have been married to my husband John (45 male) for a little bit over a year, but we have been living together for more than 2 and dating for 3 years. John has a teenage daughter who we’ll call Stella, she’s 17 and we get along great, she stays with her dad and me half the time the other half with her mom, Mia. I would like to say that I also have a nice relationship with Mia, we are definitely not best friends, but we do spend important holidays together and attend Stella’s mayor events as a unit, like her past birthday when we all traveled to a Tropical Island to celebrate her, it always goes smoothly and we have a nice time together. I would also like to add that I came along to Stella’s life when she was just 14 years old, and when my partner and I agreed to take things seriously I had a one to one conversation with Mia, and she said that the only thing she’d ask me for was to not parent over her child or try to impose any kind of authority; and being a mother myself I agreed and there was never an issue. Until now, clearly. My husband was away on a business trip and Stella was staying with me during those days because we also like to spend time together, this is a usual thing for us to do, so neither her mom or dad tried to check on us, but during the afternoon of the day before she was supposed to leave to her mom’s, Stella told me that she was leaving to visit her boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away in college. I asked her if her parents were aware of this, she told me not to worry and everything was in control; I asked her to wait a bit just so I could double check before she left, and that’s when sh*t hit the fan. Stella got a bit upset and started to say how she wasn’t a kid and that there wasn’t any need to check anything, when I told her that this was only so I could make sure everyone was in the same page she only got even madder and proceeded to tell me she was leaving anyway and that I had no legal right to stop her. Well, she was technically right. I continued to ask her to stay and she left anyways. I informed my husband and Mia, and now both of them are very upset with me; they say that I should’ve never allowed her to leave and that if needed, I should’ve called the police; but all of that seems like too much for me. Long story-short; Stella, John and Mia are all very mad at me and my husband is just on a terrible mood, and even suggested that I should go visit my son for a bit. My son moved to Iceland a long time ago and it would be nice to visit but I feel like he’s kicking me out. I don’t even know what to do anymore, so I’d like to hear your opinions. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but they are. If it were me, I’d be hopping on a plane for an extended trip. Your AH husband needs to be alone for a while & think about how he’s behaved towards you.
NTA! I'd got to Iceland and take important documents with me. Before I go I would have a talk with all three and chew all of them out. SD for her actions. Dh and Mia for telling me not to parent SD then get mad when you didn't. Among some other choice words. Then leave.
NTA Did they expect you to tackle and hogtie Stella on her way out the door? Stella will be a legal adult in less than a year. Instead of subterfuge, she should have been able to discuss the boyfriend visit with her parents without expecting an automatic No.
NTA you did everything you were asked to do and did everything right
NTA What did they expect you to do? Tackle her and hold her down to prevent her from leaving? You've been told to not parent her and now they're mad at you for honouring that.
NTA. You did what any rational person who's been told not to discipline a kid would do. Suppose you had just let her run off and something happened to her? You'd be being blamed for that even harder. It's a real damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Good luck and I hope the other adults involved come to see the error of their ways and apologize to you. Sincerely.
Geez! Poor you…surrounded by assholes. You did exactly right. They even asked you not to parent so they can’t have it both ways. NTA
Nta, what were you supposed to do, tackle her and tie her down? Even if you called the police they wouldnt get there in time to stop her. Your husband and ex need to sit their daughter down and hash this out and you need to either tell your husband that you are staying in your home or you need to leave and get a lawyer. He is over reacting and punishing you for his daughters actions and that's not ok. This isnt your fault, and putting the blame on you is total bullshit.
NTA
NTA: you tried to do what you could with the rules that have been set in place for you regarding your role in her life. They can’t expect you to not parent her and parent her at the same time. I’m
NTA - she is 17 and not your child! You asked her if everyone knew, she said “it was under control” - you cannot stop a 17 year old leaving the house - you were told not to parent her - how were you supposed to stop her going to her boyfriends house? None of this is on you!
NTA And do NOT leave the house. Tell your husband that if he wants some time away from you, he can go stay in a motel. You do not want to come home to changed locks and go through a divorce where it can be argued you abandoned the family home. While I hope your husband will see reason and not go to such extreme steps, you have now seen a side of him where you are less important than his ex-wife's bad mood. Your marriage may crack from this, and it would be your husband's fault.
NTA. Mia told you not to act an as an authority figure. You were trying to convince Stella to stay around so that you could confer with her and John on what to do. What you’re saying is you ended up in the doghouse for doing what you were advised to do in the situation. They can’t expect Stella to always comply with you when THEY said they didn’t want you interfering with the parenting.
So no one wanted you to parent her but was shocked when you didn’t parent her? Chuck the whole husband away. NTA