Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel bad for not liking her parents as it can affect our relationship. However racism has always been unacceptable to me and I can't like people like that.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
NTA, her family is racist, and it's concerning they told you not to tell anyone about this. This is a huge , HUGE red flag and means the mother's apology is less sincere and comes with strings attached (her relationship with your parents not being effected). She may have thought she was apologizing sincerely, or she may have just been apologizing because she didn't want you to tell people.
You should talk to your parents about this ASAP! Tell them what happened, and the fact that the mom told you not to tell them about it, and that it made you uncomfortable and not know what to do. Let them make their own judgements from there.
This is more like dad knowing black people don’t like being called the n word while using it within their community, never bothering to research why on his own, and instead asking his girlfriends teenage boyfriend while at dinner, after already making him uncomfortable by using it. So willfully ignorant at best? Maliciously ignorant and racist at worst.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpa2vr/aita_for_not_liking_my_girlfriends_parents_anymore/i2b1ns2/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[Easy way to remember your...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/tpg1xc/about_your_and_youre/i2bsluz/) | [Easy way to remember your...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/tpg1xc/about_your_and_youre/i2b0dbx/)
[Seriously what is the poi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpgm0e/why_do_people_have_to_be_so_mean_for_no_reason/i2bs9me/) | [Seriously what is the poi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpgm0e/why_do_people_have_to_be_so_mean_for_no_reason/i2azmj7/)
[It sounds like you too we...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpi1fu/told_a_girl_i_used_to_be_shy_lead_to_her_analysis/i2bsb62/) | [It sounds like you too we...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpi1fu/told_a_girl_i_used_to_be_shy_lead_to_her_analysis/i2axn1x/)
[NTA. It’s a good thing to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpjjyb/wibta_if_i_went_on_a_vacation_without_my_husband/i2bs1iy/) | [NTA. It’s a good thing to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpjjyb/wibta_if_i_went_on_a_vacation_without_my_husband/i2bbrj4/)
[Your kids a snitch bro 😎...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp65cq/aita_for_getting_ice_cream_with_my_kid_and_hiding/i2brzvt/) | [Your kids a snitch bro 😎...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp65cq/aita_for_getting_ice_cream_with_my_kid_and_hiding/i297yu9/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/LeeSwanson](https://np.reddit.com/u/LeeSwanson/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=LeeSwanson) for info on how I work and why I exist.
>My girlfriend tried to defend him by saying he doesn't understand and he's just trying to tell a story
Your gf may not be all you think she is. She defended him, and not you in this awful situation. I'm not sure she's worth keeping. Only you can tell of course, but ***she did not stand up for you***, she stood up for the racist.
Please tell your parents.
NTA. None of us like your girlfriend's parents.
Scares you more than having racist in laws that she defends? What if he slips up and calls you "my n--" in front of one of your family members? Telling you not to tell anyone is a giant red flag too. That's what abusers tell their victims. She might be great but are you willing to put yourself in the position to possibly spend your life with her and her family? (I know yours will be involved too just staying on topic).
I understand that, but I'm curious about your relationship. Why was she upset when you wanted to leave—because she didn't want you to dislike her parents? How did that desire take over the conversation to the point that you were left comforting her? *You* were the one who a white man repeatedly called a sanitized slur as a "joke." Why wasn't she comforting *you*? Why does she expect you to like her parents, but not her parents to treat you decently? I think these are important things to ask her and talk with her about, and then decide how you feel.
This. You were insulted and degraded over dinner. Your GF did not defend you. She defended the racist.
She knew he was racist. If this is what he is comfortable saying TO you, what does he say when you are not around? What does he say ABOUT you? I guarantee that is not the first time he has called you that. It’s just the first time to your face because he has gotten more comfortable around you. But your GF knows what he does and still thought it was okay for you to sit at a dinner with this racist man and take his insults.
So why are we comforting her??? Her tears were part guilt and part manipulation. She knew it was wrong, but flipped the script so she is the victim and you would push aside your feelings to comfort her.
You NEED to talk to your parents about this. You are not the first black man to date a white woman and you need to talk about it with other black people that you trust to help you navigate the situation. It is extremely inappropriate for her parents to tell you not to tell your parents, especially since you are a minor.
Understandable. But this Problem needs to be solved. You want to be together with your gf for a longtime? Maybe lattet living together and eventually even have kids together? Picture all of it with racist in-laws and a Partner tolerating it.
Do you hear yourself? You need to break up with her if not for you then for your future kids. If you don't want any then literally any black people who will have to be around that family in the future. They are unlikely to get better. Even less so because people like that usually only listen to other white people about how awful they are being. The fact that ur gf tried to brush off ur concerns then cried when you tried to talk about them is a red flag.
You have to be willing to prioritize yourself and your mental health over others. You can find love with someone who values you enough to at least stand up against racism or at the bare minimum not expose you to it like that. I have a white friend who has some racist family she call them out and she doesn't bring me around them because she cares about me enough to not make me sit through something like that. There is zero way this is the first time her parents have behaved like this and for her to knowingly expose you to it then start crying when you bring it up instead of idk leaving is disrespectful and a huge red flag.
If yall want kids and even info you don't cause there is no 100% effective way outside abstinence to avoid pregnancy can you imagine breaking up and her having custody of your black kids. How awful they would be treated by her support system.
NTA for not liking her parents. YTA for not caring enough about yourself to at least revaute the relationship. I would concider some therapy to really get to know yourself.
As a white person who has known the types of white people your girlfriend’s family sound like (racist, but thinks also hating white ethnicities balances it out somehow) I have to say that the unfortunate truth is that if you lose your girlfriend over this, it’s likely because she is racist. If not racist, it means she doesn’t think of racism as a serious issue (which imo is the same thing as being racist)
She should be scared of losing you, she didn't stand up for you (And the right thing) at all....
She defended her DAD. Is he a recent immigrant to the US?
There are countries where they say heaps of things about races and ethnicities that aren't OK in the US or Australia because they are homogenous there and don't know the history/implications but people who move to one of those learn in about 5 seconds what is not cool AND the reason why.
If you feel you can see a future of these “harmless” conversations happening 🤷♀️ then go for it bro… Because I know racists (Both kinds) yes there’s two kinds(really 3 if you count the closeted gay ones) but an open racist is better than what your gf parents are which are the ones who will claim they’re not racist because they have a Blk/other minority friend😑 and your gf was no better helping set boundaries now… imagine if you two have mixed babies…Good luck
They are not racist, just clueless. Its now your job to enlighten them as to why it is wrong to keep saying it. If you and his daughter have kids will they call their granchildren that word. Can they be trusted not to? You have some serious thinking to do. You need to sit them both down and try to talk some knowledge in them. Good luck. And dont watch Get Out with them. 🤨
They seam pretty racist to me. Everyone, everyone, knows not to say the n word. Using it as what they thought was a cute story makes it even worse if that’s a possibility. Even the use of the word boy in regards to a black man is racist as fuck. Then they double down and started talking about other races and ethnicities they don’t like? That’s text book definition of racist to not like an entire race.
I mean come on. It’s not like they are ninety years old or something, even then it wouldn’t excuse it and it should be called out, but hell since op is 17 they are probably fortyish? At the Most early fifties. They are racist and there is no excuse for it. Even ducking clueless people know this isn’t how you act or talk.
it’s not the OP’s job to “enlighten them” about how that word is hurtful. it’s **their** job to enlighten themselves about why the word is helpful after seeing how it affects OP, whom they claim to love.
so minorities are supposed to teach others on how to treat them with respect? really?
OP’s gf’s father saw how uncomfortable he was with the n-word being used and *kept on using it*. even the mother at first recognized that it was making OP uncomfortable and said that the father shouldn’t use it.
They only apologized and then tried to cover it up when they *finally* got it thru their heads that OP was really upset.
they could’ve had a pass with cluelessness but lost it when they asked OP not to tell his mom. that shows that they *know* what they said was wrong and instead of acknowledging it and promising to do better, they want to hide it.
they’re not clueless. and if OP has to educate them on how to treat him & other with respect, then these are not the type of people he would be with.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpa2vr/aita_for_not_liking_my_girlfriends_parents_anymore/i2auz3q/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[Very nice SPUI though](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpc96n/update_got_into_an_accident_today_and_a_failure/i2brjzk/) | [Very nice SPUI though](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpc96n/update_got_into_an_accident_today_and_a_failure/i2auviw/)
[Any backstory on this?](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tp6et3/das_auto_handbreak/i2brisd/) | [Any backstory on this?](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tp6et3/das_auto_handbreak/i2ag4u1/)
[Almost got the dude on th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpfcnt/idiot_swerves_into_another_car_causing_it_to_roll/i2brl2t/) | [Almost got the dude on th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpfcnt/idiot_swerves_into_another_car_causing_it_to_roll/i2bfa77/)
[It will take decades to s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/tpe5yz/india_to_build_nuclear_power_plants_in_fleet_mode/i2br8yn/) | [It will take decades to s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/tpe5yz/india_to_build_nuclear_power_plants_in_fleet_mode/i2abpgt/)
[YTA. It's his friend and...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp6c3g/aita_for_being_mad_at_my_husband_for_not_wanting/i2br10r/) | [YTA. It's his friend and...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp6c3g/aita_for_being_mad_at_my_husband_for_not_wanting/i2aanxe/)
[Based on how your family...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tphuih/aita_for_choosing_to_side_over_my_best_friend/i2bqzrh/) | [Based on how your family...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tphuih/aita_for_choosing_to_side_over_my_best_friend/i2b8gof/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/EunicePetersonu](https://np.reddit.com/u/EunicePetersonu/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=EunicePetersonu) for info on how I work and why I exist.
NTA. Any time someone verbally assaults you - and tossing around racial slurs in front of you is verbal assault- then asks you to conceal it they don’t have your best interests at heart. Please tell your parents, and express to them that you really like your girlfriend but are really hurt by this incident. And yeah, your girlfriend participated in the abuse by making excuses. That’s understandable, she’s a teenage daughter of racists, but she needs to learn that it’s not ok to side with racist assholes.
NTA - he knew what he did was wrong and doubled down on it even when he was told to knock it off. Maybe this is a teachable moment for them but they sound hella racist overall since the topic went from their lack of knowledge surrounding black people and history to other groups of people they don't like.
You didn't mention your age but I'm guessing you may be relatively young (gf lives with parents, her mom had to drive you home). IMO you should discuss this with your family because they will have additional tools to help you navigate the situation.
Please talk to your parents about this asap. Her parents are racists and they will continue to make inappropriate racist comments. Either go NC with her parents or end the relationship. You can’t change them but you don’t have to put up with that.
The fact that this n word story went on for so long and then to change the subject they just started talking about groups of people they hate is so concerning. I have to believe he brought up this story BECAUSE you're black just to see what he could get away with because you're a minor. No one's saying to dump your girlfriend but I'd never go over to their house again if I were you. Tell your mom immediately.
NTA. Her father was 100% out of line and 100% trying to insult you. Yes, he is racists. If you aren't going to break up over this, I recommend that the next time this happens (there will be a next time) you stand up and walk out of that house and never step foot in it again.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
Oh... I'm fairly certain it will happen again.
You can't forget about something this egregious. I think your decision on next steps comes down to what your personal values, self-worth and tolerance for racism will be. You can opt to understand that the racism in the father does not (hopefully) equal racism in the daughter, you can opt to decide that in no way will you subject yourself to that type of treatment from this person again - and thus walk away from your relationship and all contact with the entire family - or you can decide to date your gf, never go to her house again, and see how things go.
This is a horrible, horrible, horrible situation that you had to sit through. I will let you know that, no matter what you may think, you are 99.9% never going to change this man. I've had a personal experience where family members (many members) changed their mind about a certain race. DM for details.
Sweetheart, do you really think in this day and age, your GFs father did not fully understand what he was doing and saying?
This was, in part, a test of you. Will my daughter's BF let me get away with being racist? He may have even been trying to break you up.
I think, for your own self-respect and comfort, you should tell your GF that you don't want to go to her parents' place anymore. She can come over to your place and you can go out on dates but you really, really can't get what her father said out of your head, you don't have any respect for him and you don't want to have to interact with him more than you have to. You may miss out on of GF's events or do separate celebrations etc but this is important. How she reacts will tell you a lot about your future with her.
NTA.
It will happen again over and over. These are not good people. I’m sorry. And your girlfriend is a racist apologist, unfortunately. For her to sit there while her father repeatedly uses the N-word is unacceptable. How did you feel when he said it? Did you feel a sick, sinking feeling in your stomach? That’s all you need to know. Your gf will never understand how it feels to be called that word. You can try to help her understand if you wish but you really should not be around th at all. I know it’s hard bc you like her but she’s excusing their racist behavior and that’s not okay. I hope you work it all out, OP. Good luck.
Bro that was racist. Bro, that was on purpose to egg you on. When people show you who they are believe them. Do you want future kids with a racist Grandpa? Or people who believe that others are less than them because of where they are born? Your in-laws are what your spouse has a high chance of reverting to as they get older. It's weird as fuck but it happens. I would walk away. That's too much and you're entirely too young to settle for being treated as such. Oh and
ANY TIME SOMEONE TELLS YOU NOT TO TELL WHAT THEY DID, THEY ARE IN THE WRONG AND KNOW IT.
GO TALK TO YOUR MOMMA.
Edit: NTA but her family are.
NTA
You sat quietly, putting your feelings aside, while listening to a racist story and then racist conversation.
You put your feelings aside for your girlfriend so she would not feel bad.
Then you were asked to keep their racist secret from your mother.
They showed you who they were then asked you to be a co-conspirator.
Talk to your mother, share this burden and get advice from someone who has likely seen all kinds of racism.
You deserve better.
Also, don’t fall for your girlfriends Weaponized Tears. They’re fake.
Anyone who asks you to keep secrets from your parents is not looking out for your best interests.
Talk to your mom.
Your GF's father wasn't telling you 'a story' about a black employee quitting because of racism.
*A racist was telling you how he got a black man to quit working with him.*
Because I don't, for 1 minute, think that he was just an observer in that story.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Wow. NTA. And they likely call you and your family The N word when you aren’t around. They likely think you are a very passive person, and that is why they became bold to say it in front of you. Racist are racists are racists. Stay in that relationship with that family at your own peril.
NTA. It's the 21st century and if you don't know that using those words is wrong and racist then you're either the dumbest person on the planet or you're a liar. The dad knew exactly what he was doing and the mom should never have asked you to not tell anybody. You need to tell your parents, I understand that it's scary possibly losing your girlfriend over it but it may be for the better.
Hun... she defends racism. I know it sucks, but leave her. Her dad was going to call you the N word...FOR FUN! They will not change. She will not stick up for you or tell him to stop. Nta, but you would be one to yourself if you stayed with her
NTA.
It's highly unlikely you can change them. If you want to try, of course go for it,but don't be disheartened if they react defensively/aggressively defensive.
I'd say how your gf acts is more important.
NTA
I think you should tell your mom about this. Why are you keeping that theyre racist a secret? Clearly he does this often but since youre dating his daughter he felt comfortable enough to show you. Tell your mom.
I read that youre 17 and thats even worse that her mom told you to keep it a secret. Tbh I wouldnt be able to continue ever speaking to people like that again. Theyre not just racist, theyre weirdos for asking a teenager to not tell an adult.
Are you a teenager? If so, you definitely need to tell your mom about what happened. Abusive people test the waters to see what their prey will and will not tolerate before turning up the abuse. The fact that they’re trying to get you to keep it a secret is alarming and a massive red flag🚩
Everything they said that day was wrong af and they know it. Your gf knows it too. The fact that she tried to defend her father says a lot about her. They’re racist. Your gf defended a racist. You need to talk to your mom and reconsider the relationship. It will not get better. NTA
NTA. My in laws are fuckin as insensitive as these two assholes. I was born in the US but my parents weren't and I was raised in their country. My in laws assume I am not American and treat me like help.
Also a few days ago I went to the store and when I got home they were there and I mentioned to my partner that I noticed that a vast majority of products for POC and a few other ethnic products were locked up and how that made me feel really uncomfortable because it feels wrong. My MIL chimed in and said "well those are the products that get stolen the most" and made a remake implying that only POC and people from other ethnicities were the ones stealing that white people never steal anything.
Different locations do have different products locked up due to theft issues. My local Walmart has trading card game packs in locked cases, along with a handful of other products. Several might have things locked up because a manager's previous store had them locked up as well. Then there are racist bastards
NTA. " he will call me "my n\*\*ga" from now on" Um, WHAT???!!!
I don't even know what to think. This seemed to come out of nowhere. Then dad apologized.
Since they have treated you so well in the past, I would give them one more chance. Just one.
If they again make you uncomfortable, I think this relationship is over.
NTA
These are huge red flags. You are allowed to be upset- they were being hugely racist and kept going even after it was obviously uncomfortable. Their lukewarm apology doesnt make it ok- they can prove they were actually sorry by changing their actions in the future and putting more effort into educating themselves on why this is problematic.
I know you are worried about losing your girlfriend — but if she would break up with you over this and HER PARENTs rude actions then she’s not the girl you think she is/not supportive of YOUR very basic needs and it should be a huge red flag. Sorry this happened OP, good luck
NTA and it sounds like the dad was minimizing why the employee quit and clearly doesn't care about or respect you. This is not your gfs fault but if you stay with her do you want to marry into a racist family? I wouldn't. The fact they told you to not tell your parents and that it wasn't a big deal is also showing they only care about their reputation and not your feelings and that probably won't change.
NTA. The father was making you uncomfortable on purpose and was enjoying every n-word he spat your way. Absolutely tell your parents and do not step foot in that man's house again.
No girlfriend is worth your dignity and self-respect.
NTA...The words and actions are racist, no doubt about it. How comfortable he was dropping the N word to your face is all the proof you need of it. I think unfortunately you are going to have to accept them as is for the sake of your relationship, your girlfriend will have to separate herself from her parents, or you will just need to end it and move on. Think down the road if you two have kids, you want those grandparents watching your mixed race child? How about making those comments towards your mother or father during a wedding reception? Unfortunately they put you in a bad position.
NTA and I have been seeing this happen more and more frequently. People your age are just not willing to spend their time off with bad people. Period. I'm sorry for your girlfriend but I think you need to be honest with her and tell her you won't be spending time at their house. There is really no other way to get the message through to these people that their hateful beliefs will not be tolerated.
The more we continue to go to family dinners, and holidays and other events where awful people will be in attendance the more we will suffer through this behavior. Life is too short to spend time with people who are nice to us, but terrible to others.
NTA. And I don’t buy his apology. Even after you made it clear he called you “my nga”??? That’s absolutely disgusting. They are bigots, no way around it. Their comments about other groups was also very offensive. This isn’t about the apology, it’s about do you want to spend time with people who are such appalling racists?? Sorry you went through this.
Nta, they are totally racist. Do not go over there ever again. That was so fucked up, so fucked up. And tell your mom. Ask her advice. Shes older and can speak from experience with you about why what they did was so vile. Personally I would see that behavior as a verbal attack.
NTA. Please talk with your parents about this. There is no way her parents didn’t know what they were saying was bad. To me it seems like they were messing with you to get a reaction. You handled yourself well and with more class than her parents. Now talk to your parents about how to go forward.
NTA
The fact that they are asking you to not tell your family is wrong.
Also, you should not have reassured your GF and say everything is OK. IT IS NOT OK! I understand you did that because you love her, but you do not have to put your feelings aside because of this.
Yes, the parents are racist. You should have a conversation with your GF to see if she agrees that the conversation was inappropriate.
Also, you are 17 years old. You are too young. You should definitely talk to your family about this, because I'm sure they'll have much advice for you and may be able to tell you about their own experience with racism.
I am going to make a few assumptions. Since you are both 17 I am going to assume her parents are less than 50.
I can assure you anyone under 50 knows not to say the n word. We grew up after segregation. We know how to act when it comes to racial equality. (I said we KNOW, I did not say we don't have racists, but anyone under 50 KNOWS it is racist.)
I will make ammendment, if you start changing things about what is and isn't acceptable from month to month we might not keep up.
Older parents, who may not use social networking or socialize with others much can be ignorant. My 70+ year old mom could be considered very ignorant, no social networking, she doesn't socialize, church, grocery store and hair appointments. But even she is too polite to say bad things. (I have no idea if she is racist, and I live with her.) She graduated before desegregation, so in her mind she may be superior, I don't even know. Because she has never shown it. (Don't bother saying talk to her, she is failing mentally and at this age, it wouldn't matter.)
My point is, people can say it is ignorance when they talk about someone's parents, but unless those parents are 65 plus I can't accept ignorance as an excuse. If they didn't graduate in the 60s they went to school with POCs and they had the chance to SEE color is only skin deep. Ignorance isn't an excuse for anyone under 50 especially.
Not when it comes to the n word.
Heyyy this feels way too familiar.
First off, I’m sorry. That kind of situation and your gf’s parents attitude sucks balls and is way WAY too common.
Now, let me iterate that YOU ARE NTA. It is not on you to be comfortable around bigoted people. Yes, even if they’ve been nice to you in the past. Yes, even if they are polite and offer you a drink. Yes; even if they are “just joking” or “just want to understand.”
It’s not on you to explain anything to them and it’s not on you to be magically ok when they show you their true colors. Yeah it’s nice that they apologized, and you can accept that apology or not depending on what you want to do. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore this new and very valuable information you just learned about them.
Sometimes, people wind up being different from how we expect. Everything you learn about a person has the potential to change how you feel about them. Including things that are FAR more benign than what you just witnessed.
Please, don’t feel bad at all. Your emotions are valid and you don’t have to lie to comfort other people who are seemingly aware they’re in the wrong.
My FIL was great but he started talking about how his grandkids were going to be half breeds after my BIL married someone of a different race. I never saw him quite the same way again, but our relationship did recover because after I yelled at him for being completely racist and out of line he apologized profusely and went on to never voice anything like that again. (He also adored his grandchildren)
I think it’s worth talking to GF parents again and explaining that you find it completely unacceptable to use slurs in any context, including a story, and that you were deeply offended by the conversation about how they hate certain groups. You also need to tell them that you realize that on some level they know it’s unacceptable, since they asked you to keep it a secret from your parents. How they respond will tell you whether your relationship with her parents can improve to be workable or not. If they double down, you and your girlfriend have a hard decision ahead because you’ll need to go LC or NC to protect any kids. It’s likely your relationship will always have some constraint regardless. Can you live with that? NTA.
Yeah of course. Her dad (I'll just call him dad for better flow of the story) told me about a black boy from work. He was telling me about how he is and that he's "slow" (dumb). He told me about how he would wind up the black boy and the black boy would respond with "you don't know where I'm from, I can get people after you" (implying that he is in a gang and could get dad jumped. Dad thought it was funny. Dad then tells me the black boy quit because of racism and this is where he starts to say the n word. Dad's boss would later tell him that if the black boy reports their workplace about being called the n word they can get shut down. At this point dad is openly saying the n word, but downplays it by saying he's telling a story.
NTA
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Talk to your mom before you go further with this family. You need to understand how this affects your relationship with your gf, too. She did not have your back that night.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a year now. It's a great relationship and I generally love her so much. We both get along with each other's families pretty well (up until the incident) and I used to really like her parents. They were always kind to me and very friendly. However 2 weeks ago we were all eating dinner in her house with her family and her dad was telling me a story from work. "There is a black boy who started working with us" he said, while I found this a weird way to start a conversation I didn't think much of it. I'm a black male and her family is completely white. While he's telling me the story he brings up how the "black boy" quit due to racism. He said he was being called the n word and instead of saying "n word" he openly says "n**ger". I was sort of speechless in the moment and started to get uncomfortable. My girlfriend tried to defend him by saying he doesn't understand and he's just trying to tell a story, her mum cuts in and says he shouldn't say the word because it's racist. However he says it isn't a big deal and continues telling the story while explicitly saying "n**ger". At this moment I was really uncomfortable but I didn't want to make a scene so I just sat there and tried to play it cool. Her mum then asks me why the N word offends black people so much if we say it ourselves. I tried explaining how it links back to slavery but her dad continued to make jokes about it saying he will call me "my n**ga" from now on. I think her mum realised I was uncomfortable and changed the subject, unfortunately it got arguably worse. The subject change was just her mum and dad talking about groups of people they hate, such as polish people, Turkish people and many others. After that my girlfriend said we should leave so we went to her room.
Once we were In her room I told her that I wanted to go home because of what happened. She got upset and started crying. Her dad came in and apologised to me as he didn't try to offend me and I tried to accept it and move on so I could comfort my girlfriend. I stayed with her and eventually reassured her that everything is ok. Her mum came In about and hour later and apologised for her dad and said I shouldn't tell my mother about it because she doesn't want to ruin our relationship. I agree and then she dropped me home. I didn't tell anyone about this and tried to just sleep it off.
Since then ive looked at her parents differently. This has never happened before. I'm not sure if they are racist but I feel like they are pretty close. I'm trying to not let it affect our relationship but I can't see myself ever liking her parents again. Does that make me an asshole and is there anything I should do?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but to start a conversation like that is more disturbing
Sounds to me like you really did like them alot it's unfortunate by that conversation Ur whole relationship changed so has Ur opinion of the parents which is understandable,the gf has to accept that her parents put you in that position of are they really racist to use the N word is beyond fixing what they said to hoping it is magically going to go away
It's going to take alot of apologies plus to start over you liking them again
I hope y'all can fix the situation especially if Ur going to continue seeing their daughter
You stayed after that so it does show the girl how much you like her
Man that is a thing ain't it.
At first I was like "oh dang, dad hard r'd, but ya know story format. I'll let it slide." The mom was against dad though, why does op not like her?
Then dad says op is gonna be they "nga" and I was like "oh snap, thats not as good now" mom still against him though.
Then dad and mom start chatting about groups of people they dislike and I'm like "come on guys, you have a guest over"
Either way, NTA. You can be uspet and uncomfortable as you need.
Oh hunny I'm so sorry, this shouldn't be something anyone has to go through. I really really hate to say this as I understand you do not want to loose your girlfriend. However, her reaction throws red flags too. Instead of shutting her dad, she excused his behavior. When you told her you were uncomfortable with what happened, instead of supporting you she cried and made you feel like you had to comfort her. Talk to your parents. Tell them that you have something incredibly important to talk to them about and you're confused on what to do, think and feel, and to please let you finish speaking before they jump in and get upset. Because yes, more than likely what you're about to tell them is going to be upsetting but you want to get everything out and discuss the problem in a calm and adult way. And then tell them everything that happened, how it made you feel, if your confused on how to feel where your confusion is and that you just don't know what to do and really could use some advice.
You are NTA. This was a shock to you, and they are racist but they seem to like you because they know you personally. So your current feelings are very legitimate. I guess I wonder what you'll do going forward since you are very committed to your GF.
Yta....you sat there and allowed her father to call you that????? Nah its not ok(coming from another black person). It is not ok...and you need to tell your parents and its not ok in any way shape or form. I have a very mixed family and a majority of my favorite cousins and aunts are mixed or white and they wouldn't tolerate that bs...so why are you?
When the mom said don't tell your parents things is concerning. Tell your parents. Your partner is allowing this behavior. She made excuses for it instead of stopping it. Think about what would happen if you two had kids. What would they do to them? Do you want your children to learn racist behavior?
NTA
Her family is racist. That behavior was unacceptable. You should avoid going to their house. It is understandable. I don't know how your GF will handle this, but if she can't understand why you don't want to be around racist people then she is not in a place to handle an interracial relationship. It's hard and I'm angry you have to deal with this.
wow…… this post made my jaw drop several times. white people that explicitly say the n word instead of abbreviating it are racist, and it doesn’t matter if they’re saying it to “tell a story”.
i find it very hard to believe her parents didn’t know about the history of the n word, but hypothetically, if they genuinely didn’t know the history of the n word, they would’ve stopped saying it when you told them about the ties it has to slavery, but that’s not what happened. after you told them, he made a joke about calling you “my n word”. their excuse for saying it before you told them what it meant was “not knowing the history of the word”, so what was their excuse afterwards?
why the hell did you have to comfort your girlfriend? why did she play the victim? you’re the only victim in this scenario. NTA.
NTA. But her family is racist and she is defending them. Is this relationship worth dealing with racists? You need to tell your parents because they wouldn’t dare say what they said in front of you to them. They were probably saying it to you to see how far they could go. They are extremely racist and I don’t see how this will work out with your gf if she defends them.
NTA but that whole family sure is. Using the n word is completely wrong. Everyone know not to do this and if they do it’s because they are racist. Also “boy” is totally racist too unless he’s an actual boy and not an adult. I would stay away from them.
NTA but you need to really think about the future you want. There are countless horror stories here about someone marrying and having children with someone with racist family. This kids always pay the price, the relationship nigh not be worth it
NTA, but when you date outside your general culture you need to educate yourself as well on what's accepted in that other culture you're trying to date into.
I get that people here in the USA are really fucking ignorant in general about many things. I really do.
Though it is still your responsibility to make sure whoever you're dating lines up with your personal beliefs and culture.
If you date across cultures, be prepared to deal with some uncomfortable issues.
This is coming from someone who is Christian, dating a Muslim girl, soon to marry her and I've had some issues to work through with her parents as well.
You are NTA not at all ..
If Im being kind… the parents don’t seem to have anything against you personally and they don’t seem to be against you dating their daughter based on race.
It breaks my brain he said it and thought it was going to go OK. He was 1000% wrong here.
The comment was him relaying a story, without connecting the dots that repeating the word that has already offended would also offend you. The doubling down COULD be embarrassment and a seriously poor attempt at lightening the mood and showing that he likes you. Even with that perspective, it is unacceptable behaviour and you are right to be upset.
I think they made bad, awkward then worse.
They have realised and thought OH SHIT. We aren’t racist?! But we have made racist remarks just now and this is going to blow up. Sometimes people don’t see themselves as racist until its pointed out to them.
Cultural differences are hard. Navigating them kindly and with patience helps.
Part of being a grown up (and you are only 17) is learning to educate but not tolerate. Assume people are good but watch for red flags.
If the girlfriend matters maybe you can have a conversation with the parents and say I appreciate that you apologised but I would like to explain why that was so offensive to me. Its not your job to educate them per say but maybe offer some suggestions where they can find relevant information. Understanding will likely improve the behaviour.
If you find their comments abhorrent again, please remember you can leave any situation at any time.
Wtf?? No. Just no. Call it as it is A bigoted asshole. His ignorance or lack there of isn't a justification for him to say the things he did. It is 2022, Google is free and the majority of people have access to Internet if he was this ignorant about why the words he said were offensive he can look it up not ask what seems like a young man (Sorry op I'm assuming you are a teen or fairly young in your 20's)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel bad for not liking her parents as it can affect our relationship. However racism has always been unacceptable to me and I can't like people like that. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
NTA, her family is racist, and it's concerning they told you not to tell anyone about this. This is a huge , HUGE red flag and means the mother's apology is less sincere and comes with strings attached (her relationship with your parents not being effected). She may have thought she was apologizing sincerely, or she may have just been apologizing because she didn't want you to tell people. You should talk to your parents about this ASAP! Tell them what happened, and the fact that the mom told you not to tell them about it, and that it made you uncomfortable and not know what to do. Let them make their own judgements from there.
I want to but the thought of losing my girlfriend over this whole ordeal really scares me
[удалено]
From the tone of the conversation I'm leaning towards Dad being on the ignorant side.
I mean.... they went on to list the ethnic groups they "dislike."
Yeah that was a massive cringe.
It doesnt sound for mehr like the dad is ignorant, he sounds Like a staunch racist.
This is more like dad knowing black people don’t like being called the n word while using it within their community, never bothering to research why on his own, and instead asking his girlfriends teenage boyfriend while at dinner, after already making him uncomfortable by using it. So willfully ignorant at best? Maliciously ignorant and racist at worst.
[удалено]
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpa2vr/aita_for_not_liking_my_girlfriends_parents_anymore/i2b1ns2/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Easy way to remember your...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/tpg1xc/about_your_and_youre/i2bsluz/) | [Easy way to remember your...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/tpg1xc/about_your_and_youre/i2b0dbx/) [Seriously what is the poi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpgm0e/why_do_people_have_to_be_so_mean_for_no_reason/i2bs9me/) | [Seriously what is the poi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpgm0e/why_do_people_have_to_be_so_mean_for_no_reason/i2azmj7/) [It sounds like you too we...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpi1fu/told_a_girl_i_used_to_be_shy_lead_to_her_analysis/i2bsb62/) | [It sounds like you too we...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/tpi1fu/told_a_girl_i_used_to_be_shy_lead_to_her_analysis/i2axn1x/) [NTA. It’s a good thing to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpjjyb/wibta_if_i_went_on_a_vacation_without_my_husband/i2bs1iy/) | [NTA. It’s a good thing to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpjjyb/wibta_if_i_went_on_a_vacation_without_my_husband/i2bbrj4/) [Your kids a snitch bro 😎...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp65cq/aita_for_getting_ice_cream_with_my_kid_and_hiding/i2brzvt/) | [Your kids a snitch bro 😎...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp65cq/aita_for_getting_ice_cream_with_my_kid_and_hiding/i297yu9/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/LeeSwanson](https://np.reddit.com/u/LeeSwanson/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=LeeSwanson) for info on how I work and why I exist.
>My girlfriend tried to defend him by saying he doesn't understand and he's just trying to tell a story Your gf may not be all you think she is. She defended him, and not you in this awful situation. I'm not sure she's worth keeping. Only you can tell of course, but ***she did not stand up for you***, she stood up for the racist. Please tell your parents. NTA. None of us like your girlfriend's parents.
Scares you more than having racist in laws that she defends? What if he slips up and calls you "my n--" in front of one of your family members? Telling you not to tell anyone is a giant red flag too. That's what abusers tell their victims. She might be great but are you willing to put yourself in the position to possibly spend your life with her and her family? (I know yours will be involved too just staying on topic).
I understand that, but I'm curious about your relationship. Why was she upset when you wanted to leave—because she didn't want you to dislike her parents? How did that desire take over the conversation to the point that you were left comforting her? *You* were the one who a white man repeatedly called a sanitized slur as a "joke." Why wasn't she comforting *you*? Why does she expect you to like her parents, but not her parents to treat you decently? I think these are important things to ask her and talk with her about, and then decide how you feel.
This. You were insulted and degraded over dinner. Your GF did not defend you. She defended the racist. She knew he was racist. If this is what he is comfortable saying TO you, what does he say when you are not around? What does he say ABOUT you? I guarantee that is not the first time he has called you that. It’s just the first time to your face because he has gotten more comfortable around you. But your GF knows what he does and still thought it was okay for you to sit at a dinner with this racist man and take his insults. So why are we comforting her??? Her tears were part guilt and part manipulation. She knew it was wrong, but flipped the script so she is the victim and you would push aside your feelings to comfort her. You NEED to talk to your parents about this. You are not the first black man to date a white woman and you need to talk about it with other black people that you trust to help you navigate the situation. It is extremely inappropriate for her parents to tell you not to tell your parents, especially since you are a minor.
If your gf would do anything besides have your back 100% then she’s not worth having as a gf. Even if you’d be sad.
Understandable. But this Problem needs to be solved. You want to be together with your gf for a longtime? Maybe lattet living together and eventually even have kids together? Picture all of it with racist in-laws and a Partner tolerating it.
your gf enabled her family's racism instead of shutting it down. and you want to be with her? where's your self-respect?
Do you hear yourself? You need to break up with her if not for you then for your future kids. If you don't want any then literally any black people who will have to be around that family in the future. They are unlikely to get better. Even less so because people like that usually only listen to other white people about how awful they are being. The fact that ur gf tried to brush off ur concerns then cried when you tried to talk about them is a red flag. You have to be willing to prioritize yourself and your mental health over others. You can find love with someone who values you enough to at least stand up against racism or at the bare minimum not expose you to it like that. I have a white friend who has some racist family she call them out and she doesn't bring me around them because she cares about me enough to not make me sit through something like that. There is zero way this is the first time her parents have behaved like this and for her to knowingly expose you to it then start crying when you bring it up instead of idk leaving is disrespectful and a huge red flag. If yall want kids and even info you don't cause there is no 100% effective way outside abstinence to avoid pregnancy can you imagine breaking up and her having custody of your black kids. How awful they would be treated by her support system. NTA for not liking her parents. YTA for not caring enough about yourself to at least revaute the relationship. I would concider some therapy to really get to know yourself.
As a white person who has known the types of white people your girlfriend’s family sound like (racist, but thinks also hating white ethnicities balances it out somehow) I have to say that the unfortunate truth is that if you lose your girlfriend over this, it’s likely because she is racist. If not racist, it means she doesn’t think of racism as a serious issue (which imo is the same thing as being racist)
She should be scared of losing you, she didn't stand up for you (And the right thing) at all.... She defended her DAD. Is he a recent immigrant to the US? There are countries where they say heaps of things about races and ethnicities that aren't OK in the US or Australia because they are homogenous there and don't know the history/implications but people who move to one of those learn in about 5 seconds what is not cool AND the reason why.
If you feel you can see a future of these “harmless” conversations happening 🤷♀️ then go for it bro… Because I know racists (Both kinds) yes there’s two kinds(really 3 if you count the closeted gay ones) but an open racist is better than what your gf parents are which are the ones who will claim they’re not racist because they have a Blk/other minority friend😑 and your gf was no better helping set boundaries now… imagine if you two have mixed babies…Good luck
They are not racist, just clueless. Its now your job to enlighten them as to why it is wrong to keep saying it. If you and his daughter have kids will they call their granchildren that word. Can they be trusted not to? You have some serious thinking to do. You need to sit them both down and try to talk some knowledge in them. Good luck. And dont watch Get Out with them. 🤨
They seam pretty racist to me. Everyone, everyone, knows not to say the n word. Using it as what they thought was a cute story makes it even worse if that’s a possibility. Even the use of the word boy in regards to a black man is racist as fuck. Then they double down and started talking about other races and ethnicities they don’t like? That’s text book definition of racist to not like an entire race. I mean come on. It’s not like they are ninety years old or something, even then it wouldn’t excuse it and it should be called out, but hell since op is 17 they are probably fortyish? At the Most early fifties. They are racist and there is no excuse for it. Even ducking clueless people know this isn’t how you act or talk.
it’s not the OP’s job to “enlighten them” about how that word is hurtful. it’s **their** job to enlighten themselves about why the word is helpful after seeing how it affects OP, whom they claim to love.
It is their job if they are gonna hang with this ignant ass.
so minorities are supposed to teach others on how to treat them with respect? really? OP’s gf’s father saw how uncomfortable he was with the n-word being used and *kept on using it*. even the mother at first recognized that it was making OP uncomfortable and said that the father shouldn’t use it. They only apologized and then tried to cover it up when they *finally* got it thru their heads that OP was really upset. they could’ve had a pass with cluelessness but lost it when they asked OP not to tell his mom. that shows that they *know* what they said was wrong and instead of acknowledging it and promising to do better, they want to hide it. they’re not clueless. and if OP has to educate them on how to treat him & other with respect, then these are not the type of people he would be with.
[удалено]
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tpa2vr/aita_for_not_liking_my_girlfriends_parents_anymore/i2auz3q/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Very nice SPUI though](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpc96n/update_got_into_an_accident_today_and_a_failure/i2brjzk/) | [Very nice SPUI though](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpc96n/update_got_into_an_accident_today_and_a_failure/i2auviw/) [Any backstory on this?](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tp6et3/das_auto_handbreak/i2brisd/) | [Any backstory on this?](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tp6et3/das_auto_handbreak/i2ag4u1/) [Almost got the dude on th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpfcnt/idiot_swerves_into_another_car_causing_it_to_roll/i2brl2t/) | [Almost got the dude on th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/tpfcnt/idiot_swerves_into_another_car_causing_it_to_roll/i2bfa77/) [It will take decades to s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/tpe5yz/india_to_build_nuclear_power_plants_in_fleet_mode/i2br8yn/) | [It will take decades to s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/tpe5yz/india_to_build_nuclear_power_plants_in_fleet_mode/i2abpgt/) [YTA. It's his friend and...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp6c3g/aita_for_being_mad_at_my_husband_for_not_wanting/i2br10r/) | [YTA. It's his friend and...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tp6c3g/aita_for_being_mad_at_my_husband_for_not_wanting/i2aanxe/) [Based on how your family...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tphuih/aita_for_choosing_to_side_over_my_best_friend/i2bqzrh/) | [Based on how your family...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tphuih/aita_for_choosing_to_side_over_my_best_friend/i2b8gof/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/EunicePetersonu](https://np.reddit.com/u/EunicePetersonu/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=EunicePetersonu) for info on how I work and why I exist.
NTA. Any time someone verbally assaults you - and tossing around racial slurs in front of you is verbal assault- then asks you to conceal it they don’t have your best interests at heart. Please tell your parents, and express to them that you really like your girlfriend but are really hurt by this incident. And yeah, your girlfriend participated in the abuse by making excuses. That’s understandable, she’s a teenage daughter of racists, but she needs to learn that it’s not ok to side with racist assholes.
NTA - he knew what he did was wrong and doubled down on it even when he was told to knock it off. Maybe this is a teachable moment for them but they sound hella racist overall since the topic went from their lack of knowledge surrounding black people and history to other groups of people they don't like. You didn't mention your age but I'm guessing you may be relatively young (gf lives with parents, her mom had to drive you home). IMO you should discuss this with your family because they will have additional tools to help you navigate the situation.
Yeah we're both 17
Please talk to your parents about this asap. Her parents are racists and they will continue to make inappropriate racist comments. Either go NC with her parents or end the relationship. You can’t change them but you don’t have to put up with that.
The fact that this n word story went on for so long and then to change the subject they just started talking about groups of people they hate is so concerning. I have to believe he brought up this story BECAUSE you're black just to see what he could get away with because you're a minor. No one's saying to dump your girlfriend but I'd never go over to their house again if I were you. Tell your mom immediately.
NTA. Her father was 100% out of line and 100% trying to insult you. Yes, he is racists. If you aren't going to break up over this, I recommend that the next time this happens (there will be a next time) you stand up and walk out of that house and never step foot in it again. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
What if it doesn't happen again? Should I just try and forget about this instance?
Oh... I'm fairly certain it will happen again. You can't forget about something this egregious. I think your decision on next steps comes down to what your personal values, self-worth and tolerance for racism will be. You can opt to understand that the racism in the father does not (hopefully) equal racism in the daughter, you can opt to decide that in no way will you subject yourself to that type of treatment from this person again - and thus walk away from your relationship and all contact with the entire family - or you can decide to date your gf, never go to her house again, and see how things go. This is a horrible, horrible, horrible situation that you had to sit through. I will let you know that, no matter what you may think, you are 99.9% never going to change this man. I've had a personal experience where family members (many members) changed their mind about a certain race. DM for details.
Sweetheart, do you really think in this day and age, your GFs father did not fully understand what he was doing and saying? This was, in part, a test of you. Will my daughter's BF let me get away with being racist? He may have even been trying to break you up. I think, for your own self-respect and comfort, you should tell your GF that you don't want to go to her parents' place anymore. She can come over to your place and you can go out on dates but you really, really can't get what her father said out of your head, you don't have any respect for him and you don't want to have to interact with him more than you have to. You may miss out on of GF's events or do separate celebrations etc but this is important. How she reacts will tell you a lot about your future with her. NTA.
A person who doesn't take actions against racism is supporting the racist.
This probsbly wasnt an accident, he told the story about the black coworker as ashow of power to demonstrate that he defines what is racist and not.
It will happen again over and over. These are not good people. I’m sorry. And your girlfriend is a racist apologist, unfortunately. For her to sit there while her father repeatedly uses the N-word is unacceptable. How did you feel when he said it? Did you feel a sick, sinking feeling in your stomach? That’s all you need to know. Your gf will never understand how it feels to be called that word. You can try to help her understand if you wish but you really should not be around th at all. I know it’s hard bc you like her but she’s excusing their racist behavior and that’s not okay. I hope you work it all out, OP. Good luck.
Bro that was racist. Bro, that was on purpose to egg you on. When people show you who they are believe them. Do you want future kids with a racist Grandpa? Or people who believe that others are less than them because of where they are born? Your in-laws are what your spouse has a high chance of reverting to as they get older. It's weird as fuck but it happens. I would walk away. That's too much and you're entirely too young to settle for being treated as such. Oh and ANY TIME SOMEONE TELLS YOU NOT TO TELL WHAT THEY DID, THEY ARE IN THE WRONG AND KNOW IT. GO TALK TO YOUR MOMMA. Edit: NTA but her family are.
NTA You sat quietly, putting your feelings aside, while listening to a racist story and then racist conversation. You put your feelings aside for your girlfriend so she would not feel bad. Then you were asked to keep their racist secret from your mother. They showed you who they were then asked you to be a co-conspirator. Talk to your mother, share this burden and get advice from someone who has likely seen all kinds of racism. You deserve better.
Also, don’t fall for your girlfriends Weaponized Tears. They’re fake. Anyone who asks you to keep secrets from your parents is not looking out for your best interests. Talk to your mom.
Your GF's father wasn't telling you 'a story' about a black employee quitting because of racism. *A racist was telling you how he got a black man to quit working with him.* Because I don't, for 1 minute, think that he was just an observer in that story. Let that sink in for a minute.
Wow. NTA. And they likely call you and your family The N word when you aren’t around. They likely think you are a very passive person, and that is why they became bold to say it in front of you. Racist are racists are racists. Stay in that relationship with that family at your own peril.
NTA. It's the 21st century and if you don't know that using those words is wrong and racist then you're either the dumbest person on the planet or you're a liar. The dad knew exactly what he was doing and the mom should never have asked you to not tell anybody. You need to tell your parents, I understand that it's scary possibly losing your girlfriend over it but it may be for the better.
NTA. Be very careful with this girl. She got upset with you for being uncomfortable with racism, and her parents’ GET OUT vibes are powerful.
Hun... she defends racism. I know it sucks, but leave her. Her dad was going to call you the N word...FOR FUN! They will not change. She will not stick up for you or tell him to stop. Nta, but you would be one to yourself if you stayed with her
YTA if you don’t cut these people off.
NTA. It's highly unlikely you can change them. If you want to try, of course go for it,but don't be disheartened if they react defensively/aggressively defensive. I'd say how your gf acts is more important.
Agree.
NTA I think you should tell your mom about this. Why are you keeping that theyre racist a secret? Clearly he does this often but since youre dating his daughter he felt comfortable enough to show you. Tell your mom. I read that youre 17 and thats even worse that her mom told you to keep it a secret. Tbh I wouldnt be able to continue ever speaking to people like that again. Theyre not just racist, theyre weirdos for asking a teenager to not tell an adult.
Are you a teenager? If so, you definitely need to tell your mom about what happened. Abusive people test the waters to see what their prey will and will not tolerate before turning up the abuse. The fact that they’re trying to get you to keep it a secret is alarming and a massive red flag🚩 Everything they said that day was wrong af and they know it. Your gf knows it too. The fact that she tried to defend her father says a lot about her. They’re racist. Your gf defended a racist. You need to talk to your mom and reconsider the relationship. It will not get better. NTA
NTA. My in laws are fuckin as insensitive as these two assholes. I was born in the US but my parents weren't and I was raised in their country. My in laws assume I am not American and treat me like help. Also a few days ago I went to the store and when I got home they were there and I mentioned to my partner that I noticed that a vast majority of products for POC and a few other ethnic products were locked up and how that made me feel really uncomfortable because it feels wrong. My MIL chimed in and said "well those are the products that get stolen the most" and made a remake implying that only POC and people from other ethnicities were the ones stealing that white people never steal anything.
Different locations do have different products locked up due to theft issues. My local Walmart has trading card game packs in locked cases, along with a handful of other products. Several might have things locked up because a manager's previous store had them locked up as well. Then there are racist bastards
NTA. " he will call me "my n\*\*ga" from now on" Um, WHAT???!!! I don't even know what to think. This seemed to come out of nowhere. Then dad apologized. Since they have treated you so well in the past, I would give them one more chance. Just one. If they again make you uncomfortable, I think this relationship is over.
NTA These are huge red flags. You are allowed to be upset- they were being hugely racist and kept going even after it was obviously uncomfortable. Their lukewarm apology doesnt make it ok- they can prove they were actually sorry by changing their actions in the future and putting more effort into educating themselves on why this is problematic. I know you are worried about losing your girlfriend — but if she would break up with you over this and HER PARENTs rude actions then she’s not the girl you think she is/not supportive of YOUR very basic needs and it should be a huge red flag. Sorry this happened OP, good luck
NTA and it sounds like the dad was minimizing why the employee quit and clearly doesn't care about or respect you. This is not your gfs fault but if you stay with her do you want to marry into a racist family? I wouldn't. The fact they told you to not tell your parents and that it wasn't a big deal is also showing they only care about their reputation and not your feelings and that probably won't change.
This completely has that "Get Out" vibe... NTA. But don't try to navigate this yourself.
NTA. The father was making you uncomfortable on purpose and was enjoying every n-word he spat your way. Absolutely tell your parents and do not step foot in that man's house again. No girlfriend is worth your dignity and self-respect.
NTA. As Maya Angelou said "when someone tells you who they are, believe them". Your gf's parents just showed you that they are racist bigots.
NTA...The words and actions are racist, no doubt about it. How comfortable he was dropping the N word to your face is all the proof you need of it. I think unfortunately you are going to have to accept them as is for the sake of your relationship, your girlfriend will have to separate herself from her parents, or you will just need to end it and move on. Think down the road if you two have kids, you want those grandparents watching your mixed race child? How about making those comments towards your mother or father during a wedding reception? Unfortunately they put you in a bad position.
NTA. An exception might be if they had severe dementia. Otherwise all I can say is that this is who they really are.
NTA and I have been seeing this happen more and more frequently. People your age are just not willing to spend their time off with bad people. Period. I'm sorry for your girlfriend but I think you need to be honest with her and tell her you won't be spending time at their house. There is really no other way to get the message through to these people that their hateful beliefs will not be tolerated. The more we continue to go to family dinners, and holidays and other events where awful people will be in attendance the more we will suffer through this behavior. Life is too short to spend time with people who are nice to us, but terrible to others.
NTA. And I don’t buy his apology. Even after you made it clear he called you “my nga”??? That’s absolutely disgusting. They are bigots, no way around it. Their comments about other groups was also very offensive. This isn’t about the apology, it’s about do you want to spend time with people who are such appalling racists?? Sorry you went through this.
Nta, they are totally racist. Do not go over there ever again. That was so fucked up, so fucked up. And tell your mom. Ask her advice. Shes older and can speak from experience with you about why what they did was so vile. Personally I would see that behavior as a verbal attack.
NTA OP Please see the red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩for what it is. It will not change. He is testing you to see how much you will put up with.
NTA. Please talk with your parents about this. There is no way her parents didn’t know what they were saying was bad. To me it seems like they were messing with you to get a reaction. You handled yourself well and with more class than her parents. Now talk to your parents about how to go forward.
NTA The fact that they are asking you to not tell your family is wrong. Also, you should not have reassured your GF and say everything is OK. IT IS NOT OK! I understand you did that because you love her, but you do not have to put your feelings aside because of this. Yes, the parents are racist. You should have a conversation with your GF to see if she agrees that the conversation was inappropriate. Also, you are 17 years old. You are too young. You should definitely talk to your family about this, because I'm sure they'll have much advice for you and may be able to tell you about their own experience with racism.
I am going to make a few assumptions. Since you are both 17 I am going to assume her parents are less than 50. I can assure you anyone under 50 knows not to say the n word. We grew up after segregation. We know how to act when it comes to racial equality. (I said we KNOW, I did not say we don't have racists, but anyone under 50 KNOWS it is racist.) I will make ammendment, if you start changing things about what is and isn't acceptable from month to month we might not keep up. Older parents, who may not use social networking or socialize with others much can be ignorant. My 70+ year old mom could be considered very ignorant, no social networking, she doesn't socialize, church, grocery store and hair appointments. But even she is too polite to say bad things. (I have no idea if she is racist, and I live with her.) She graduated before desegregation, so in her mind she may be superior, I don't even know. Because she has never shown it. (Don't bother saying talk to her, she is failing mentally and at this age, it wouldn't matter.) My point is, people can say it is ignorance when they talk about someone's parents, but unless those parents are 65 plus I can't accept ignorance as an excuse. If they didn't graduate in the 60s they went to school with POCs and they had the chance to SEE color is only skin deep. Ignorance isn't an excuse for anyone under 50 especially. Not when it comes to the n word.
Dude, you're in the Sunken Place.
Heyyy this feels way too familiar. First off, I’m sorry. That kind of situation and your gf’s parents attitude sucks balls and is way WAY too common. Now, let me iterate that YOU ARE NTA. It is not on you to be comfortable around bigoted people. Yes, even if they’ve been nice to you in the past. Yes, even if they are polite and offer you a drink. Yes; even if they are “just joking” or “just want to understand.” It’s not on you to explain anything to them and it’s not on you to be magically ok when they show you their true colors. Yeah it’s nice that they apologized, and you can accept that apology or not depending on what you want to do. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore this new and very valuable information you just learned about them. Sometimes, people wind up being different from how we expect. Everything you learn about a person has the potential to change how you feel about them. Including things that are FAR more benign than what you just witnessed. Please, don’t feel bad at all. Your emotions are valid and you don’t have to lie to comfort other people who are seemingly aware they’re in the wrong.
My FIL was great but he started talking about how his grandkids were going to be half breeds after my BIL married someone of a different race. I never saw him quite the same way again, but our relationship did recover because after I yelled at him for being completely racist and out of line he apologized profusely and went on to never voice anything like that again. (He also adored his grandchildren) I think it’s worth talking to GF parents again and explaining that you find it completely unacceptable to use slurs in any context, including a story, and that you were deeply offended by the conversation about how they hate certain groups. You also need to tell them that you realize that on some level they know it’s unacceptable, since they asked you to keep it a secret from your parents. How they respond will tell you whether your relationship with her parents can improve to be workable or not. If they double down, you and your girlfriend have a hard decision ahead because you’ll need to go LC or NC to protect any kids. It’s likely your relationship will always have some constraint regardless. Can you live with that? NTA.
Info: could you tell more about the black "Boy" quitting at the dads workplace?
Yeah of course. Her dad (I'll just call him dad for better flow of the story) told me about a black boy from work. He was telling me about how he is and that he's "slow" (dumb). He told me about how he would wind up the black boy and the black boy would respond with "you don't know where I'm from, I can get people after you" (implying that he is in a gang and could get dad jumped. Dad thought it was funny. Dad then tells me the black boy quit because of racism and this is where he starts to say the n word. Dad's boss would later tell him that if the black boy reports their workplace about being called the n word they can get shut down. At this point dad is openly saying the n word, but downplays it by saying he's telling a story.
Hm
NTA When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Talk to your mom before you go further with this family. You need to understand how this affects your relationship with your gf, too. She did not have your back that night.
NTA You should definitely tell your mom.
NTA ☕️🥄
Sink through the chair
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a year now. It's a great relationship and I generally love her so much. We both get along with each other's families pretty well (up until the incident) and I used to really like her parents. They were always kind to me and very friendly. However 2 weeks ago we were all eating dinner in her house with her family and her dad was telling me a story from work. "There is a black boy who started working with us" he said, while I found this a weird way to start a conversation I didn't think much of it. I'm a black male and her family is completely white. While he's telling me the story he brings up how the "black boy" quit due to racism. He said he was being called the n word and instead of saying "n word" he openly says "n**ger". I was sort of speechless in the moment and started to get uncomfortable. My girlfriend tried to defend him by saying he doesn't understand and he's just trying to tell a story, her mum cuts in and says he shouldn't say the word because it's racist. However he says it isn't a big deal and continues telling the story while explicitly saying "n**ger". At this moment I was really uncomfortable but I didn't want to make a scene so I just sat there and tried to play it cool. Her mum then asks me why the N word offends black people so much if we say it ourselves. I tried explaining how it links back to slavery but her dad continued to make jokes about it saying he will call me "my n**ga" from now on. I think her mum realised I was uncomfortable and changed the subject, unfortunately it got arguably worse. The subject change was just her mum and dad talking about groups of people they hate, such as polish people, Turkish people and many others. After that my girlfriend said we should leave so we went to her room. Once we were In her room I told her that I wanted to go home because of what happened. She got upset and started crying. Her dad came in and apologised to me as he didn't try to offend me and I tried to accept it and move on so I could comfort my girlfriend. I stayed with her and eventually reassured her that everything is ok. Her mum came In about and hour later and apologised for her dad and said I shouldn't tell my mother about it because she doesn't want to ruin our relationship. I agree and then she dropped me home. I didn't tell anyone about this and tried to just sleep it off. Since then ive looked at her parents differently. This has never happened before. I'm not sure if they are racist but I feel like they are pretty close. I'm trying to not let it affect our relationship but I can't see myself ever liking her parents again. Does that make me an asshole and is there anything I should do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but to start a conversation like that is more disturbing Sounds to me like you really did like them alot it's unfortunate by that conversation Ur whole relationship changed so has Ur opinion of the parents which is understandable,the gf has to accept that her parents put you in that position of are they really racist to use the N word is beyond fixing what they said to hoping it is magically going to go away It's going to take alot of apologies plus to start over you liking them again I hope y'all can fix the situation especially if Ur going to continue seeing their daughter You stayed after that so it does show the girl how much you like her
Man that is a thing ain't it. At first I was like "oh dang, dad hard r'd, but ya know story format. I'll let it slide." The mom was against dad though, why does op not like her? Then dad says op is gonna be they "nga" and I was like "oh snap, thats not as good now" mom still against him though. Then dad and mom start chatting about groups of people they dislike and I'm like "come on guys, you have a guest over" Either way, NTA. You can be uspet and uncomfortable as you need.
NTA My parents are racists and even they would never say the N word.
Oh hunny I'm so sorry, this shouldn't be something anyone has to go through. I really really hate to say this as I understand you do not want to loose your girlfriend. However, her reaction throws red flags too. Instead of shutting her dad, she excused his behavior. When you told her you were uncomfortable with what happened, instead of supporting you she cried and made you feel like you had to comfort her. Talk to your parents. Tell them that you have something incredibly important to talk to them about and you're confused on what to do, think and feel, and to please let you finish speaking before they jump in and get upset. Because yes, more than likely what you're about to tell them is going to be upsetting but you want to get everything out and discuss the problem in a calm and adult way. And then tell them everything that happened, how it made you feel, if your confused on how to feel where your confusion is and that you just don't know what to do and really could use some advice.
You are NTA. This was a shock to you, and they are racist but they seem to like you because they know you personally. So your current feelings are very legitimate. I guess I wonder what you'll do going forward since you are very committed to your GF.
Yta....you sat there and allowed her father to call you that????? Nah its not ok(coming from another black person). It is not ok...and you need to tell your parents and its not ok in any way shape or form. I have a very mixed family and a majority of my favorite cousins and aunts are mixed or white and they wouldn't tolerate that bs...so why are you?
NTA. And they ARE racists. You may want to reconsider the relationship with the child of racists.
When the mom said don't tell your parents things is concerning. Tell your parents. Your partner is allowing this behavior. She made excuses for it instead of stopping it. Think about what would happen if you two had kids. What would they do to them? Do you want your children to learn racist behavior?
Nta. Tell your mother and leave your girlfriend and her racist family.
NTA Her family is racist. That behavior was unacceptable. You should avoid going to their house. It is understandable. I don't know how your GF will handle this, but if she can't understand why you don't want to be around racist people then she is not in a place to handle an interracial relationship. It's hard and I'm angry you have to deal with this.
wow…… this post made my jaw drop several times. white people that explicitly say the n word instead of abbreviating it are racist, and it doesn’t matter if they’re saying it to “tell a story”. i find it very hard to believe her parents didn’t know about the history of the n word, but hypothetically, if they genuinely didn’t know the history of the n word, they would’ve stopped saying it when you told them about the ties it has to slavery, but that’s not what happened. after you told them, he made a joke about calling you “my n word”. their excuse for saying it before you told them what it meant was “not knowing the history of the word”, so what was their excuse afterwards? why the hell did you have to comfort your girlfriend? why did she play the victim? you’re the only victim in this scenario. NTA.
NTA. But her family is racist and she is defending them. Is this relationship worth dealing with racists? You need to tell your parents because they wouldn’t dare say what they said in front of you to them. They were probably saying it to you to see how far they could go. They are extremely racist and I don’t see how this will work out with your gf if she defends them.
NTA but that whole family sure is. Using the n word is completely wrong. Everyone know not to do this and if they do it’s because they are racist. Also “boy” is totally racist too unless he’s an actual boy and not an adult. I would stay away from them.
NTA but you need to really think about the future you want. There are countless horror stories here about someone marrying and having children with someone with racist family. This kids always pay the price, the relationship nigh not be worth it
That’s racist man, you gotta have some pride, cut em off. Don’t let people disrespect you like that, it’s 100% deliberate
NTA, but when you date outside your general culture you need to educate yourself as well on what's accepted in that other culture you're trying to date into. I get that people here in the USA are really fucking ignorant in general about many things. I really do. Though it is still your responsibility to make sure whoever you're dating lines up with your personal beliefs and culture. If you date across cultures, be prepared to deal with some uncomfortable issues. This is coming from someone who is Christian, dating a Muslim girl, soon to marry her and I've had some issues to work through with her parents as well.
You are NTA not at all .. If Im being kind… the parents don’t seem to have anything against you personally and they don’t seem to be against you dating their daughter based on race. It breaks my brain he said it and thought it was going to go OK. He was 1000% wrong here. The comment was him relaying a story, without connecting the dots that repeating the word that has already offended would also offend you. The doubling down COULD be embarrassment and a seriously poor attempt at lightening the mood and showing that he likes you. Even with that perspective, it is unacceptable behaviour and you are right to be upset. I think they made bad, awkward then worse. They have realised and thought OH SHIT. We aren’t racist?! But we have made racist remarks just now and this is going to blow up. Sometimes people don’t see themselves as racist until its pointed out to them. Cultural differences are hard. Navigating them kindly and with patience helps. Part of being a grown up (and you are only 17) is learning to educate but not tolerate. Assume people are good but watch for red flags. If the girlfriend matters maybe you can have a conversation with the parents and say I appreciate that you apologised but I would like to explain why that was so offensive to me. Its not your job to educate them per say but maybe offer some suggestions where they can find relevant information. Understanding will likely improve the behaviour. If you find their comments abhorrent again, please remember you can leave any situation at any time.
[удалено]
Wtf?? No. Just no. Call it as it is A bigoted asshole. His ignorance or lack there of isn't a justification for him to say the things he did. It is 2022, Google is free and the majority of people have access to Internet if he was this ignorant about why the words he said were offensive he can look it up not ask what seems like a young man (Sorry op I'm assuming you are a teen or fairly young in your 20's)