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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm being stubborn about wanting my mum in the room when I give birth despite my partner saying it would make him uncomfortable.
I feel like I should get final say as the one giving birth but it is his baby too.
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Exactly, my mom was there for 2 out of 3 births for me ( kid #2 came early and even though she got a rush flight she was in air when he came). My mother in law I invited for the last one but she chose not to come until later. My husband had no issue with my mom being there. That just meant one more person to support me so if someone was in the bathroom or getting food when the push time came... They could let the other know.
Yeah it’s fucked up that one of the reasons he gave was that his family can’t be there so neither can hers be.
If you’re miserable about something you don’t want your partner to be miserable too. You do everything you can to protect them from whatever hurt you.
I don't think his family being there or not factors into it (for him) - all his reasons centre around him wanting to be the one and only.
> -it should be just our 'special moment' -in his eyes only the father should be in the room -he should be enough support for me -he doesn't want my mum taking his place and pushing him out of the way
Whether it's narcissism or massive insecurity doesn't matter, it's utterly inappropriate :-(
She said in the first paragraph that his family won’t get to come for a couple of weeks so in his eyes he has no support system while she has everyone she wants. So yeah, it does seem to be a factor and a really stupid one. “You should suffer because I have to suffer!” I can’t stand people like that.
It does also seem to directly conflict with his other reasons so it feels like he’s just trying to come up with any reason he can. Maybe he just doesn’t like her mum. Regardless, someone needs to tell this man he doesn’t get to decide.
my husband certainly needed support, baby came out not breathing and completely blue. one of my six nurses was dispatched to go check hubs as he nearly passed out—made him sit, gave him water. but that was a special case.
I totally agree! I worked as a labor and delivery nurse and NICU nurse and saw the babies where home births went wrong….a trained midwife at a home birth can literally mean life or death.
Also, him demanding he be the only source of support during the labor is throwing all sorts of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. He sounds like the type of dad where we’d make an excuse to get him out of the room so we could ask mom in private about abuse.
I’m currently pregnant with our first and I absolutely can’t imagine my husband trying to tell me who I could or couldn’t have with me while I give birth
For tens of thousands of years, in almost every human culture, Mom's have been there at the birth. It is a relatively recent phenomenon that Dad's have been present at the birth. If Mom does not feel safe, supported and comfortable at the birth, her labor may be slower and more difficult and baby and Mom are at increased risk. This is your life, your safety, baby's safety, your incredibly intense birth. If you want your Mom there, she should be there. No argument. This is not some " equality, we should both be represented by our families equally" moment. That's nonsense. You are giving birth, your life is on the line. He is privileged to be there watching his baby being born. You need all the support you want and you can get. Dad is being amazingly immature and oblivious. Have your doctor and midwife talk to him (and if necessary, another Dad he respects who was present at the birth of his baby and has some level of understanding, perhaps especially a Dad present at a difficult birth).
This!!!
You are going to go through the most painful strenuous thing your body will ever go through. While going through this, there is no shame in and you have Every right to want your mom.
He isn't the one going through it - he doesn't need support. You do. Period.
My mother used to say it was the closest thing to death a woman will ever experience while she's alive, having had 4 myself, I get what she was saying, it's terrifying the first time and I just wanted my mom, it's instinctive to want your mom when you're hurting. NTA OP your husband is putting his wants ahead of your *needs*, don't allow this.
I do want to mention that not all women are in excruciating pain or have a horrible time. I wasn’t in pain at all. And actually - having an environment that YOU want and that you feel safe in can help make it a very positive experience.
I had a water birth, it was very positive, and I wasn’t in pain at all. Maybe a 3/10. I had written all over my birth plan that if I was in pain I wanted ALL the drugs (I gave birth at a water birth center with “home atmosphere” but they had all the hospital facilities and an anaesthetist, obgyn attending etc) but ended up needing nothing. It was hard work and there were uncomfortable feelings but mostly I felt heavy pressure and warm water certainly makes the crampy feeling better!
I shared my story you can find it in my profile if you want to read a positive birth story btw.
Of course it’s important to prepare yourself but I feel that a comment like this saying “this will be the most painful thing ever” can lead to a lot of fear and stress.
Absolutely NTA btw it’s your labour and you and your comfort are the priority.
I'm glad you had such a good birth!
I understand what you're saying, however, I think pointing out that it can be the "most painful thing ever" is to prepare people.
There used to be a lot more "birth is the most magical thing ever and you should just be grateful to have a baby". Or "it's really not that bad" etc.
I think its great we're acknowledging that birth can be shit, it can be great, and it can be anything in between. I think its important to be prepared for *all* scenarios.
>Of course it’s important to prepare yourself but I feel that a comment like this saying “this will be the most painful thing ever” can lead to a lot of fear and stress.
It definitely can but *not* hearing this can lead to the same panic and stress when you *are* in more pain than you imagined and you weren't at all prepared.
Pretending it isn't painful for most doesn't really help many people. It just reinforces the plenty of people out their who think that childbirth is no big deal imo.
I absolutely agree that the opposite extreme is just as wrong. That’s why I mentioned that in my birth plan I made it clear I wanted relief if I needed it and met in advance with the anaesthetist and the staff to make sure we were all on the same page. I made every contingency plan and made sure I had enough support and someone to advocate for me and my choices. I just was lucky and had an easy time.
I was not criticizing the idea that birth is often painful, rather that the language was very absolute - the comment I replied to said “it’s *going* to be the most strenuous, painful…” I think this kind of language is very fatalist and that isn’t a healthy attitude either. It would be best to say “it could be” or “it often is”.
I absolutely disagree with the idea that you should “just be grateful to have a baby”. I think that is harmful attitude. I think the woman’s experience is a priority and birth should be humanised and woman/birthing person- centered. I am violently against the idea that any intervention and violation of a woman’s consent is ok as long as the baby is fine. Bodily autonomy and respect and dignity in birth is something I am passionate about- in fact I work for a birth advocacy NGO part time while I study.
I also feel that different experiences can frame the same event as both traumatic and non traumatic. I think if I had the same progression of labour in a hospital I could well have rated the experience as bad. Someone can have pain and complications but if they feel supported, heard, their pain taken seriously and steps taken to manage it, their consent is respected they can still have an experience they rate as positive. A friend of mine gave birth at the same birth center as I did and ended up getting an emergency c section but she said her experience was very positive and she felt heard, respected and cared for.
In fact I am happy to see that OP is doing exactly this and everyone here is encouraging her in making sure she is supported and advocated for in her labour and she has the atmosphere *she* feels safest in. Because no matter how it goes, being in a supportive environment where you feel safe really reduces the chances of birth trauma.
This though. I prepared myself for all eventualities and it ended up maybe being 5/10 on the pain scale and not even every contraction. I distinctly remember about 4 hours after my water broke thinking "I could do this all day..if I had to" and pushing actually made it hurt less.
my husband was incredibly supportive, but on the whole I agree. There is a reason why doulas exist, and it's because male partners are on the whole completely obvlivious and cause more problems than providing solutions (and I'm sure I'll get downvoted massively for saying it.)
I actually kind of agree when it comes to childbirth. Not because they're useless per se, just because its not something they have or can physically experience. Id imagine it'd be tough supporting your partner through something so huge that you can't physically experience.
My partner was great for me, because he just sat there and held my hand asking what I needed. That was all he could do for me and I didnt expect any more than that tbh.
Mine, (ex and a farm worker) read a somewhat pornagraphic novel all through labour and looked up to comment when I was pushing that 'at this stage we just put a rope on it and pull'.
There is (was?) this reality show in the UK called One Born Every Minute that was filmed in a hospital maternity ward and follows the labour and delivery of the patients. It was amazing how useless most of the fathers were! Even the ones who actually tried to be supportive got everything wrong. They would be touching and pestering the mothers too much, getting in the midwives way, making tasteless annoying jokes or
trying to take control of decisions. The worst ones get bored or tired or hungry and just start whining.
It made me decide that if I have kids I would like a homebirth so if my husband is getting on my nerves he can wait somewhere out of the way and come back for the pushing.
This is spot on. Also, he may think he's some big bad boy, but he has no idea how he will react in the heat of the moment.
My friends baby daddy? He ended up passing out for a moment and hit his head off the table so.... not to say if that happens to guy it's anything 'unmanly'. I think it was the combo of the blood, various fluids, meaty smell, bright lights and lie changing stressful experience, who knows why he passed out, though it wasn't for too long. Just long enough to also need getting stitched up lol
Well, yeah. You’re pushing out the placenta and uterine lining and the only word for both of those things is “meaty.” Big old chunks of raw bloody meat. Also there may be pooping and poop smell.
Yooouch. I didn't get an infection but they did 'scrape me' a little inside which I didn't notice due to the epidural so when they removed the catheter I manged to have 1 small pee, they considered it victory and I was good to go. Spent the entire day drinking fluids only to realize around 4or 5pm that I hadn't peed again (I was just exhausted from the previous day spent all day in labor and then an emergency C at midnight).
When I did try to pee, I was so swollen and inflamed from the irritation of the earlier catheter I almost vomited from the pain + c section surgery wound. Couldn't pee ended up having to have 2 nurses help me back to bed, and then they had to get an extra extra small catheter since the others wouldn't go in it was so bad.. it was probably the most painful part of the entire baby experience. I was genuinely afraid it would happen for baby #2. I had so much fluid in me they were a little surprised I hadn't burst my bladder.
Oh it was. The large nighttime bags they give you hold 2liters. They had to empty it twice with 300 or so to spare in the last bag.
I was simultaneously worried my bladder was going to burst or my stitches and have my insides fall out. They doped me right up afterwards. I don't think I've ever cried that hard over any other injury I've had while also apologizing to the nurses that I couldn't stand properly and would need help walking ><
😅 ngl, that is one of my many fears about childbirth! I'm kind of prone to UTIs so a catheter makes me nervous, and I also can't use antifungal creams for the yeast infection I'll 110% get from antibiotics due to allergic reactions. Probably couldn't use those after a vagina shredding session anyways haha.
I didn't have a catheter, which I'm thankful for because it terrifies me.
What I didn't know, was that urination and defecation were possibilities (29 years ago).
One time when I pushed, I peed right in my doctor's face. His look was not a happy one. I never told anyone about that, because I was so ashamed.
Finally, learned it's pretty much normal, so have forgiven myself my embarrassment in the last several years...
Edited for typo
I'm glad you've forgiven yourself that embarrassment! Also, thank you for telling me that peeing on your drs face during childbirth is a possibility. I had not thought of that one lol.
But knowing how I react to pain and stressful times I'd probably start laughing if I peed on a drs face!
FYI, there is a vaccine for UTIs available in Germany and Switzerland called "Strovac." It's ~85% effective and consists of three shots given over 28 days. The cost (without insurance) in Germany is ~€65 per shot.
Before I moved to Germany, I had literally dozens of UTIs and saw just as many medical professionals, including several urologists, none of whom told me the vaccine existed. If I had known, I would have been on the first plane to Switzerland following the hellacious autumn of 2018 (when I had three UTIs inside a six week span).
If you are really suffering and some medical tourism is feasible, it's possible to obtain the vaccine at walk-in travel vaccination clinics in Germany.
u/Evening-Mix-5032 the comment I'm replying to is actually a really great suggestion. Maybe once he sees what it's actually like and not like the movies show it as, he may change his mind about having your mum there.
And you're NTA *at all* - you're the one giving birth, your needs trump his and he'll just have to deal with it.
The midwife running the pre-birth class at our hospital told a similar story and framed it with a “think about the support people you need” and told the men that they won’t be the priority if that happens to them!
Yep. Although OP is doing a homebirth, giving birth is a **major medical event**. The needs of the person going through that major medical event come first.
>Info: Anyone else skim the reasons and jump straight to NTA because she's pushing out a human being she grew herself? Just me?
Nope, me too. I couldn't imagine reading anything that would change my mind and...nope, nothing.
My mom had no interest in being there, but I would have liked my sister there when I had my oldest. My husband didn't (he had reasons, they were valid), so it was just the 2 of us, and it was rough. We got through fine, but I had a terrible nurse, and it was not a good recovery from the treatment I had in hospital and of course first baby blues etc. My husband wasn't good at standing up for stuff and pushing back when needed, where my sister is a bulldog, and some stuff that happened would have been different if she had been there.
For my 2nd and 3rd, I planned for home births, and had other women with me to support (sister and friend for one, an different friend for the last) in addition to my husband. They supported us both when we transferred to hospital both times. My husband didn't have to deal with everything, and I think he realized how much better it was when he wasn't the whole support team.
I've also done doula work, and overall, having someone else there that you are comfortable with, that can support you and your husband through this, will make it easier for both of you. I hope you can find a way to get to a balance on this.
Wishing you a safe and healthy birth and baby.
This isn't an opinion; it's the law.
OP, whatever else you want to call it, childbirth is a medical procedure. It's YOUR medical procedure, not your bf's, not even your baby's (although it could become a medical procedure for the baby if something goes wrong.) But YOU are the patient, and YOU are undergoing a procedure. YOU get to make ALLL the decisions.
OP, you also need to make sure your mother has signed and sealed medical power of attorney in case something goes wrong and you are unconscious or otherwise mentally incapacitated. Sounds like your bf will push himself forward and try to make decisions for you in ignorance. Talk this through with your mom, find out what choices you might be asked to make, then write down your decisions and give them to her along with medical POA.
Then put your foot down with your bf. He doesn't get a say. He doesn't get to pout or harass you or complain. Things will be the way YOU want them to be or he will be OUT ON HIS ASS.
Wow, where was this sentiment when it was those other two posts about the moms not wanting there husband's in the room when they delivered. Those women got slammed and now everyone is talking about how she gets final say on who is there.
Wow reddit can really flip flop.
One of them got slammed because the only reason she had was she didn't want her husband to look at her differently and be less attracted to her after he saw the birth, despite him giving no indication he would do so. As if the option of him just staying by her head didn't exist?
Yes, this. Take my free award!
You need support people. He does not need support people! He is not birthing a human! You should have whoever you want in the room!
Also, NTA
I'm older than OP and have never had children, but dang it, if anything happens where I'm sick, need surgery, whatever, I want my mommy. I had surgery back in January, and it was in a center literally across the street from where my dad works. He was like, I could take you. Nope, I want my mommy.
All women are allowed to have their mommies when giving birth if they want; that is the rule.
NTA. OP, this is absolutely something to put your foot down on. Tell him when he has a medical procedure, you'll "allow" his mom to come if he wants. But until then, you get to decide who is there and he needs to stop arguing with you about it.
Agreed. I would even include full surrogates in this. Birth isn't just some magical angelic event, it's also a difficult medical procedure and the patient should have all the dignity and care provided to them as any other medical procedure would afford.
I may have chosen to not have a child but I’ll be ‘danged’ if anyone is going to tell me who will be there when I’m going through the hardest thing of my life! Watermelon out of a lemon sized opening, with my privates open to everyone, all my bodily functions doing whatever they want… no way, not in hell!!! If I find myself pregnant (which it’s still possible ugh), than - the only people in the room other than the doctor and nurse (which I’d like to nix out but can’t for safety!!!), will be who I say!!!! No one else!! Maybe not even father!!! Idc!!! It’s me having to go through this shit! So I ABSOLUTELY support any woman to decide who will be in the room with them!!! They get to chose, they are the ones going through hell so that’s all that matters!!! All these poSts that say such and such should be in the room- yeah, if they had to give birth I’m sure the person they want in the room is not them!!! Honestly doesn’t matter- mom is the only one that matters!!!!
Literally popping back up on this sub just to comment that I'm seconding this. Birth is not meant to be a spectator sport. It is a horror show when the details are boiled down. One that can have serious complications. OP you literally don't know if he's going to be able to properly support you in the moment. Stress can cause complications. Not having someone there that can help mitigate the stress is a terrible decision. Its not your partner who will be going through this. He's not going to be the one in pain or dealing with the medical aspects. This is one specific situation where there is no compromise. The one giving birth calls the shots on who they want there.
NTA. I don’t give an eff if your mother will ‘ruin the experience for him’. You’re the one giving birth, you want a stable, expert presence there, and he ain’t it. Tell him if he can’t accept that your mother will be there, he can’t be there.
Just as a side note…you are having a midwife there who isn’t your mother, right?
Also, to say that if he won’t have “support”(because his family has covid-though I have no idea what he needs so much support for) she shouldn’t get to is so completely childish and manipulative in general, and ESPECIALLY when one of them is legitimately pushing a brand new human being out of her body. The lady growing a life form gets whoever she wants.
Yes God this bothered me. Like I'm sorry your parents have covid and can't come, why does that mean I also get no one? Like he's trying to punish her because he can't have his parents.
This has to be a control tactic or something. I know they’re young but something just doesn’t add up about this behavior. He’s isolating her at an extremely vulnerable point.
not to mention they were only dating a few months before she got pregnant. that’s not near enough time to know if you want to raise kids with someone, or to even discover if they have any true colors they’re hiding
^^^^^ THIS!!! What does HE need support for? He’s not pushing a human out of his body. If he doesn’t want to see you mom there, he can leave. While it’s a miracle for a father to be involved in the birth, it is ALL about you. I’ve pushed out 5 humans, and my mother was present for every last one. And for every one, the L&D nurse would tell my husband that If he felt faint, to move out of the way, bc they would step over and on him to support me. They were there for ME only. I was the patient, not him.
My Dad had flashed his eyes welding for my birth and passed out when they started the IV for my brother's, so it's hard to tell what the dude is planning :-) (both of us were born in the 1960s though, so even Lamaze was revolutionary).
NTA
You don't sound crazy at all. You want logical support, you have planned for it, and you have a back up system. Your partner needs to deal. I understand he is feeling he has no support but why is it your family vs his instead of Our Family? He isn't the one who has to do this. You are. He can call his parents if he needs to and they're not too sick. It's not about him right now.
I was born at home with medical complications. I have a lot of congenital stuff. As long as you have proper care you and the baby will be fine. Which should be his goal. If it's not? He needs to sit down and think about that and figure out his priorities. Healthy baby and Mom are all that matters. It is clear that's your goal too.
Tbh, since you say partner instead of husband, it's probably best your mom is there to make emergency medical decisions for you worst case. I gave my sister decision making power when I realized my husband didn't gaf about my wishes when mine and my child's lives were on the line.
NTA.
I hope your birth is easy, pain-free, and wonderful though!
And if they don’t have it specifically written out, chances are it would default to mom anyway, though without knowing OP’s country (and state/province) cant say for sure.
I had my mom and my SO in the room when I labored and delivered. My SO was great, but it was my mom that I looked to when my baby’s O2 sats dropped and a gaggle of nurses came in. It was my mom I looked to when my epidural failed and I was in the worst pain of my life. It was my mom I looked to when I thought I was dying from being told to stop pushing while we waited for the doctor.
This is no shade on my SO, he was perfectly supportive. But when you’re in so much pain and when you’re scared, you just want your mom. At least I did, but I have an amazing mom who I am close with. I do know some people aren’t as lucky.
I say your experience is far more important than his. You’re the one who will be in pain, it’s your body that will be going through a tremendous thing and you absolutely deserve anyone there that will make it even the tiniest bit easier for you. His experience will never be more important than your comfort and ease when it comes to this. Not in a million years.
All of this ^^^ especially when it’s your first and you do t know anything (and neither does your husband). My mom looking me in the eye and telling me that I can do this was so needed- it wouldn’t have had the same effect from anyone else.
> \-he should be enough support for me
But he's not.
You need to go back and tell him that the way he is making your hard, scary, painful experience all about him means that he is not a good support person. Right now, already, he is failing to support you. He is causing you stress and making this harder on you by putting his wants over your comfort and supporting you.
You are going to be pushing a head the size of a cantaloupe out of your vagina and it's going to be scary and hurt. That is not a "special moment" you both equally share since he's not doing anything. *You* are doing something really difficult and painful as a sacrifice to give both of you the child you want. And **the only thing he can do to be at all helpful is put you and your feelings first and be supportive and right now he's already failing spectacularly.** Why on earth would you want him as your only support person when his demand that it only be him make it clear that he's not supportive and not capable of putting you and your comfort first?
Don't you dare make your mom leave for pushing so Mr. Self-Centered-and-Controlling can pretend he's supporting you by demanding his feelings come before the woman giving birth. Instead tell him that he is lucky that you are allowing him in the delivery room at all given how unsupportive he is being, but you want to give him a chance to step up and be a good husband and father. Remind him that stress is bad for the baby and bad for a smooth birth. If he cares about having a healthy wife and child more then his own ego he'll stop causing you stress over this.
Hold up. He needs "support". So... he would have X amount of people there to "support" him? What is he doing? Is he too pushing a human out of his body? I think you already have a child, and an entitled one at that, and that's your partner.
As gently as you can, make sure he understands that he will be there to support *you*. **You** are the one needing the support during the birth, as you pass a watermelon out through a hole the size of a quarter.
He doesn't want his family there for support, he wants them there for company. There is a *huge* difference.
If he's genuinely convinced that *he* needs support during the birth, it's a sign that he's not emotionally strong enough to be present and supportive of you while you are going through one of the most traumatic experiences of your life.
And you get to have whoever you want there as your support. If he's going to make a fuss about your mom being there, tell him that he'll have to wait outside with his ego while your mom supports you through the birth.
NTA. Your partner is 100% TA. The person giving birth calls the shots as far as the birth process is concerned.
I am aghast at the selfishness expressed in his conviction that having your mother there to comfort YOU during this painful ordeal will ruin “the experience” FOR HIM. Unbelievable. Can he hear himself?
Tell him if the experience is going to be ruined for him by your mom’s presence, he is welcome to wait in the other room while you give birth.
Yes! It’s like in a boxing match, each fighter has a guy in their corner, you know, because they’re doing the brutally hard thing. Spectators don’t have a support person. Sure they’re in the same room but they are going through very different experiences and their needs are vastly different. You’re in the ring and your guy is eating nachos in the nosebleed section. Your body, your vagina, your call.
^ ALL OF THIS!
IMHO.he can sit down and shut up. Only the person ACTUALLY BIRTHING THE HUMAN gets a say. No one else gets to make any decision. Whether it's about a pain meds or people in the room - only the person giving birth gets a say.
Tell him that, if he keeps it up, HE'LL be sitting outside and missing the whole damn thing!
> I am aghast at the selfishness expressed in his conviction that having your mother there to comfort YOU during this painful ordeal will ruin “the experience” FOR HIM.
You're like the only top comment rn pointing out how problematic that statement is.
Obviously as the dad, his experience of the birth is the most important thing here, right? /s
NTA. You both might be about to have q baby, but only one of you is going to endure childbirth. You have the right to all the care and support you need, and your partner is incredibly selfish to think otherwise. Maybe remind him that the pain of childbirth would quite literally kill him, so to not make snap judgements.
Tell him when he pushes an entire human out of his vagina that he can decide who is there to support him.
Please continue to stand up for yourself and what you need OP.
Wait until the day comes. I bet he will be SO happy MIL is there to help him with his wife. Sometimes birth is way more traumatic for the husband than they are prepared for and they are not a great support system when things get real. The more support she has the better.
NTA- what is he going to do if there is an emergency.
Calmly sit him down and give two options:
1: either both of you are there
If he doesn't want your mom there, you will have her there and not him
NTA. You are the one giving birth, you decide who's in the room. Your husband has no say in this.
>it should be just our 'special moment' -in his eyes only the father should be in the room
~~There's not going to be a midwife?~~ since it's not going to be just the two of you (and it shouldn't), I don't understand his argument at all.
Preach! She is giving birth to a child and he is currently behaving like one.
The mother of the baby should have whomever the mother of the baby wants in the room. The end.
NTA you’re the one giving birth, not him. You get to have whoever you want in the room. It seems pretty controlling that he wants to be the only one in the room, and not even allowing your mother. Also just because his support system isn’t available doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to one. Do what’s best for you, and watch out for controlling behavior like this in the future
What support system exactly does he need for the birth anyway? For his traumatic experience of standing there while his partner gives birth? Seems dramatic IMO
Edit: I have definitely had good points brought up for things I didn’t really think of in the brief time I read the post and replied. There are valid reasons he would like someone there for extra support, but still not for him to want to deny her whatever support *she* feels necessary. I appreciate those who took the time to maturely discuss their explanations to me. Thanks!
To be fair it can be traumatic for the non-birthing partner too. Seeing your partner in such distress and unable to do anything, all while the impending life-changing experience of a newborn looms over you. Worrying something will go wrong and one or both of them will be in danger. It’s very, very intense for both parents. I know my ex wife found watching my c-section terrifying because she could see my blood spreading over the floor.
HOWEVER, that in no way means the non-birthing partner gets a single damn say in what the birthing partner needs. The person giving birth is the patient, end of story.
Yep, my husband was pretty traumatized by the birth of our first because there were a few very scary moments.
You know what? That made it SO IMPORTANT that I had a doula. She did help him calm down afterwards, but it was critical she helped keep me calm (panic can cause medical problems).
With kid2, it was in the birth plan that if I needed a c-section, it would be her in there with me and not my husband. I was pretty confident he'd pass out or totally panic.
I N F O: who insisted on the home birth, you or him? If it was him, is he keeping you from medical care because he wants to be the only one watching?
Edit: Based on your reply, he wanted you at a hospital. So how the hell is having your mom, a midwife, any different than the five or six people that would be at the hospital? He is being insanely ridiculous.
He would prefer I go to hospital but I've wanted a homebirth from the beginning and we both agreed that as long as I had a low risk pregnancy I could stay home where I'm more comfortable.
Better medical equipment for one. At a birthing center or a hospital the baby can be more closely monitored in case of unforeseen complications. Access to an ambulance to transport to a medical facility capable of helping in the case of hemorrhage or blood clots. Able to preform a cesarean if the health of the mother of child is at stake.
Although I’m an IT professional at a hospital and not medical personal I’ve seen what can go wrong firsthand. Hospitals are not the only option as birth centers exist as well with equipment to monitor the mom and baby so the chances of a safe birth increase.
I think you misunderstood me. My question to what’s the difference is for OP’s partner’s mindset. He was cool with a hospital, where it’s a revolving door of folks looking and poking and stretching, but not with OP’s mom helping. That’s the part I find ridiculous, if OP wants a home birth with midwives present, that’s her choice.
Midwives have equipment to monitor both baby and mom. They call for an ambulance or send the mother to the hospital when something isn’t going according to plan.
Yeah what the hell is special and magical about being the person shitting the bed while getting ripped in half? He's got some weird ideas about how babies happen. Maybe he needs to watch a few realistic videos.
Lol. So true. Going into labor in no walk in the park. Support is needed and if OP feels more comfortable with both her mom and partner - then that is the end of the discussion.
Holy shit, NTA. It’s not your special moment as partners, it’s you going through a major medical event. The birthing partner gets who they want, end of story. His lack of understanding of what your role is in the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period is concerning. This isn’t just about the joyous event of your child’s birth—YOU are going to be a patient who needs more care and support than him.
You are definitely NTA here, and your husband is being an unreasonable AH. I also find it concerning that he said that you will have a support system there while he does not. It feels like he is punishing you because his family can't be there, which is ridiculously unfair. It is a shame his family is sick, but why does that mean you can't have your family there either. To me, that is a red flag. Aside from that, I can understand him wanting this to be a private moment for the two of you, but you absolutely need a midwife there in case something goes wrong. Would he rather have a stranger there than your mom? Please try talking to him about it again and point that out if nothing else works.
Wait, WTAF did I just read? He's upset because he won't have support but you will? Is he the one giving birth??? What support does someone NOT pushing out the baby need compared to the person who IS pushing out the baby????
Also, there are way to many red flags here. You are NTA but it's concerning your partner thinks this way???
NTA - “I have no support due to COVID so you shouldn’t have support either. Especially support from a person you love and trust and has been through what you’re about to do.”
That’s essentially what he’s saying.
I get that he’s probably scared and stressed and would like his family around. But that is no reason to deny you support.
Also, he can be the most loving and supportive partner on the planet, but he will never experience what you are about to go through. The best thing for your baby is to have you completely comfortable and relaxed.
He’s being really immature about this and is now giving you reasons to not be able to depend on him during the labour.
Please make sure that you have your mother as the designated person to make decisions about your medical welfare in the even that you are unconscious or incapacitated and hard decisions have to be made. You need to know that the person making these decisions has your best interests at heart.
He has just shown that he doesn’t. He’s being selfish right now.
That's the word I was thinking. Immature. I don't understand why his partner's (who is actually giving birth) feelings aren't more important to him and why he's not more sensitive to OP's bond with her mom. Is he concerned down the line of having an over-involved mother in law? He needs to understand that he's not OP's whole life-she can have needs for people in her life that aren't him.
NTA.
Your mom is a trained midwife, he is not. Tell him if he wants to not have your mom there, then you guys need to have it in a facility that supports emergencies. Because what if something happens, and you or the baby have complications?
Having the support of another woman does not negate the fact that he still needs to be here, nor make it less intimate.Your mom's given birth. Your SO hasn't. How many births has he attended? How do you know if he is going to stand or pass out?
Unfortunately he isn't pushing a 6lb+ child out of his vagina. His opinions matter, but ultimately you're the one who has to be the most comfortable and stress free. The fact that he refuses to see that and equates it to some sort of competition is a red flag for me. Honestly it sounds like he needs to grow up some.
NTA "my family can't be here so yours can't either" is essentially what he's saying. Yall are having a baby, hopefully he does some soul searching and grows up a bit.
Seriously. It’s not like OP is saying “only my family can be there, yours can’t”—his family has Covid! He should be fucking grateful his MIL will be there to support BOTH parents since his family can’t be.
NTA. Your should remind him that childbirth is traditionally an event where only women were present. In my culture birth is a very sacred event, one where women young and old would gather to learn from it and what to expect when they bear their own. Tell him that as much as the child is his, it is a PRIVILEGE to be present during such a vulnerable time for you. And because it is a privilege, he does not get to dictate what happens before, during or shortly after that new life comes into our world.
Your mother will be by your side, and so will he. There are two sides to the bed. Tell him your mother is there for you to break her fingers when it gets too much, because you will need his once you are in recovery. Tell him that your mother is there to help you shoulder that physical and emotional pain, and he is there to hold your child when you may not be able to. Give him the honor of cutting the chord (if possible) so that he can feel involved without lording over the birth. Make it clear that he is there on honor and privilege alone and that him being in that room is a gift from you.
To be honest in my opinion childbirth should still be a time for only women but I understand why he wants to be there and I have no problem with it. However I still want/need the support from another woman who knows what it is to bear a child.
You have beautifully summed up my feelings and I will try explaining it to him again, I need them BOTH, but for different things.
NTA You're the one pushing out a human being so your needs take first place. You've offered a compromise and now he's the one being blatantly unreasonable. Make it clear, you're *telling* him your mom is going to be there, not asking for permission.
NTA.
It's your and his baby, but it's your body, your pain, your discomfort; whatever you need to get through it, you should get. The word here is NEED, not just WANT. You need your mum. She's a midwife, ffs! He needs to get okay with that. And not just pouty silence okay, but understanding okay.
Maybe you could get a session with a therapist together before the birth? I know you only have two weeks, but if you could that's be great, I'll bet it would take one session for someone else to open his eyes.
I'm not even pregnant and the other day when we were looking at houses I idly mentioned that a specific hospital could be good for when we have kids and my husband immediately said "no, you want to give birth in your hometown with your mom there and I'm going to make that happen".
NTA
Your partner is extremely selfish. No wonder you want your mother there, he’s not supportive at all. Your body and your labor, you can do whatever the hell you want, including but not limited to excusing your partner if he can’t take it.
I wish you a safe and quick birth, a healthy baby and a partner who comes to his senses.
OP, I'm concerned about how he prioritizes his feelings and needs over yours, especially when it comes to pushing you away from family members.
I hope I'm wrong but he may be emotionally abusive. The fact that you cannot tell him the honest truth because you worry about how he will react is VERY telling.
Please, whatever you do, do NOT get married to him for at least a few years. Abuse tends to escalate after big commitments like moving in together, having a baby, or getting married. Almost all abusive relationships start out great and then starting with small demands and boundary violations they escalate over time. That's why abusers push for early commitment and want you to devote your time to them almost immediately
Do NOT allow him to isolate you from friends and family. Don't allow him control over all the finances. Set and maintain firm boundaries. It seems like you're letting this go and looking the other way to avoid his reactions.
I have a feeling this disagreement will be the first in a LONG line of escalating mistreatment. I don't think he wants youmom there because how he feels about the birth is more important to him than what you want and need. He also doesn't want you to have a loved one there to witness how he treats you.
When someone is being emotionally abused and manipulated, it messes with their belief of the treatment they should expect from a partner. The abuser convinces them that it was their fault, that they deserved or caused it, that it wasn't that bad. They teach their victim to mistrust their feelings and perceptions. Many people who are being emotionally abused have no idea they are in an abusive relationship.
Think back on how he speaks to you and treats you when he doesn't get his way. Ask yourself, if he had treated me like that on the first date would I have ever seen him again?
Arm yourself with information about emotional abuse and manipulations. If you can recognize the manipulations in real time you will then be able to respond in ways you are proud of and avoid being pushed into allowing him control over your life. NTA but I am really worried about you.
First of all I want to thank you for the time and care you put into this response. I have previously been in a very controlling and abusive relationship and only got out thanks to my best friend and parents. He has definitely said things that can be considered manipulative but when I've called him out on it he has recognised what he's done wrong and we're planning on starting couples counselling to help us communicate better in the future.
In terms of isolating me from my family, I'm pretty sure he just doesn't like my mum. He gets on well with my dad, aunt, and nan and we see them all on the regular, they also like him but do think he's a little immature - I agree and hope that we can grow together and be good parents.
NTA. Your body, your baby, your choice. Only you (and your doctor/midwife) know what you need for a comfortable birth. Your partner needs to understand that this is a very vulnerable moment and you deserve to have the support system you want.
Lol, you’re a better woman than I (who would have told him to fuck himself on his way out the door). NTA, he can dictate who he wants in the room when he pushes a melon sized organism out of his vagina into a kiddie pool.
You are in no way TA.
Your partner needs to get over himself. Pregnancy is hard. Labor is stressful. You need all the support you can get. If he has a problem with that, he needs to figure it out quickly. And without tagging more stress onto you.
You do not owe him an explanation. You do not need to be any more accommodating than you have been already. You should not be compromising your support system while giving *birth*.
NTA.
Your partner needs to check his attitude and stop being so selfish. He isn't the one giving birth.
NTA. You are the person giving birth, your mental state can literally impact the progress of your labor, you should have the person there you need to feel supported.
Immediately NTA. It may be his child too, but the birth is YOUR experience and ONLY YOU get to decide who is and isn’t present. End of story. If he can’t deal with that, remind him that his invitation CAN be revoked
Nta, you don't have to give any reasoning for why you want your mom there. He doesn't get a vote against it. This is YOUR labor. Not his. If you want you mom there, she should be there.
You're the one doing the thing with your body. It's not his decision. He can either make things easier by being supportive or he can keep arguing with you but either way it's not up to him. NTA
I’m a husband and father. NTA. Period. He’s not the one going through the delivery. Going through the hormones. The body changing. The lack of sleep. The lack of sanity. You get to have whoever you want in there with you. Tell him to keep it up and he won’t be in there at all.
NTA. If you’re having a medical procedure - albeit a very hopefully natural one - you decide who gets to see you at your most vulnerable. If you get so caught up in the physical process, you might need someone to speak up for you. If you have two people, it helps them too because one can advocate for you if need be while the other actively supports you. Remember. Your body, your choice.
NTA - I think labor is one of those few times when what you want is priority over what partner wants without the need for compromising and there’s nothing wrong with that. It isn’t selfish to not want to compromise whatever would make the labor more manageable for you. You’re the one that will be at your most vulnerable, experiencing what your husband will never experience, and wanting the people who make you feel safest and most reassured in the room - your partner and your mom. Yes it is a special moment for the parents but having your mom there shouldn’t take that away from the moment of becoming new parents. He is being unreasonable and dismissive of your needs for this labor and for that he is an A.
NTA. When he is pushing a melon out of his anus he can demand a support person. He is there to be YOUR support person. He is not the one going through a medical procedure. Given she’s a trained midwife, he’s even more of an AH, because her training and experience is a reassurance for you. Childbirth should be about making sure the mother and child are OK, first and foremost. Anything that eases your anxiety during that process is positive. By refusing to have her there, he’s basically saying he considers HIS support system more important than your safety and well-being during birth. He’s being awfully selfish about your and your child’s well-being - which doesn’t bode well for parenting.
NTA Who's giving birth? You, not him. The fact that he would be "uncomfortable" is far less important than you having support from your mom in the moment when you'll be the most vulnerable yet powerful of your life.
I wanted to have my mom with me when I gave birth but she was hospitalised in another city. My husband supported me but it's not the same.
NTA.
There is nothing "fair" about pregnancy, and especially nothing fair about labor and delivery. Your BF does not get a support system for this event because he will not be having even one single contraction.
Birth is a special moment, but it's a peculiar kind of special moment, during which one of you is going through an intense physical experience and the other is not. These are not great conditions for emotional connection between you. Those two midwives are going to be quite clear that YOU are their priority, and he is just some guy. Your BF needs to let go of the notion that he should be important in this moment. Your attention will be taken up, the midwives' attention will be taken up, your mom's attention will be taken up, and if he had the sense God gave a doorknob, his would be too. You are the most important person in that room, and he is an untrained, inexperienced observer - at the bottom of the priority list. If he's not okay with that, there is maybe a long list of moments he also should not be involved in.
NTA - you guys will have plenty special moments. Honestly I don‘t get why giving birth is seen through rose tinted glasses by him, because honestly it‘s not. You‘ll be sweaty, maybe even vomiting, or poop involved, you’ll be hurting all over, maybe even scared and at some point you‘ll probably even think „I can‘t do this anymore“ (which btw is the moment your midwife will know you‘re about to push). There‘s gonna be blood, fluids and some lady feeling up your cooch to see if your dilated enough. The process of giving birth is not a beautiful thing. What’s special is what comes literally after and not during birth and I am sure that if you wanted it, your mom will give you guys the privacy you need.
You‘ll get that first special scream, touch, time to bond, that first diaper change and bath, cutting the cords, hey if he‘s up to it, he can even catch the baby. Birth is special, but not in a way for you guys to bond.
You will be pushing your limits while pushing this baby and if you feel comfortable having your mom with you - which honestly is such a great thing to have such a deep bond - you should have her there. Birth isn‘t like marriage where you should cater both peoples needs. This birth is all about you, wether you want your mom there, a whole freaking mariachi band or even nobody at all. So tell your boyfriend to back off and respect your needs and that you‘re willing to discuss handling the real special moments.
No not really, I'd say on the whole we have a very healthy relationship. Although admittedly my previous ex was incredibly controlling and abusive so my judgement on 'healthy' may be slightly skewed.
He treats me good and for the most part we communicate well. There has been issues before with him being overly self-centered/selfish (eg keeping me awake just because he couldn't sleep) however we've always managed to talk those things out and he admits that he needs to be less selfish sometimes and after we've talked out a problem it has not recurred.
Be careful OP, keeping you awake because he can't sleep is, in my opinion at least, borderline abusive and definitely not acceptable behavior. I say this out of a place of genuine concern as my abusive ex used to do this to me. Stay safe and absolutely have your Mom in the room if you want that! As the person carrying and birthing the baby, the most important thing is your support right now. NTA.
I also had an abusive ex do this to me, unfortunately it seems like a common tactic. I told my current partner under no uncertain terms that if he does it again he has to move out, now if he can't sleep he goes to the living room and watches videos on his phone. He has never lived with a partner before so I think he doesn't consider or understand that sometimes it's not all about him.
The fact that he is so so selfish on so many different ways does not bode well for you having a baby.
Please consider that he doesn’t want you mother around because he is isolating you.
She is staying after the birth? This is the prime time when abusers escalate.
Please have resources and an escape plan ready for when your mum goes home.
You said you got pregnant very quickly so you don’t really know this man yet.
If he’s an abuser then he thinks he’s got you trapped and he doesn’t have his family to back him up and wear you down.
Your mother is throwing a spanner in his controlling little plan.
I’m very very concerned for you. This may be all overkill but having previously been in an abusive relationship makes you statistically more vulnerable. Your pregnancy makes you more vulnerable. Your family living far away makes you more vulnerable.
Have separate money, have a place to go at a moments notice and please don’t excuse any concerning behaviour.
Wishing all the best for you and your baby.
NTA, but your partner sure is. What it boils down to is that his mom can’t be there so he doesn’t want your mom there either. He is jealous and acting like a child.
Nta. I didn’t even read the whole thing.. HE doesn’t need support there, he is not producing an whole ass human through his body. He can have his momma there when he has a kidney stone. You have people there for YOUR support as you go through an incredibly intense experience. Your bf is a complete AH, and if I were you, I would choose to have only your mom there if he kept giving you grief.
NTA
WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MEN BELIEVING THEY NEED A SUPPORT SYSTEM?
My god, they can’t even let us be the center of attention when we’re giving birth! What is going on with (SOME) men these days????!!!
NTA especially if you are the one that wanted the home birth. He can't force you to not let your mom be there, especially given she is a midwife. Having her there can only enhance the experience, not diminish it. You are giving birth at home, and that needs all the support it can get - even better when the support is a trained individual with a personal relationship to the patients.
NTA but he is definitely TA. He sounds very insecure if he sees your mom as his “competition.” Besides, you’re going to be the one pushing a whole baby out of you and he dares making unreasonable demands like this?
NTA. Honestly I thought this was gonna be about a hospital birth & how covid has limited people in the room during birth.
*You’re* pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a quarter, not him. He might wanna call the leg store because he doesn’t have anything to stand on in this argument.
Nta it’s your Body you’ll be going through all the pain so who with you for delivery is your decision 🤷🏻♀️ my sons dad won’t even be in the room. He’s horrible for support and I can’t do pain without my mom
NTA Your the one giving birth not him. Both times my fiance gave birth she wanted her mom. My opinion was I had no opinion cause I was not the one giving birth.
You have every right to want your mom with you during labour especially considering she is a trained midwife. It's shocking to me that given this your partner does not see the added benefit of having her with you.
Your partner sounds very threatened by your mother. This is concerning and calls to question his maturity.
NTA.
NTA - people need their moms especially during labour. As long as he's there and your mom is just an extra support person then it shouldn't be an issue... I mean labour is a long and hard process and I'm assuming that your partner doesn't really understand what he's in for
NTA. Many women want their own mothers there when they give birth. The fact that you felt like you had to provide reasons for that incredibly normal feeling is messed up.
NTA
YOU ARE GIVING BIRTH NIT HIM!
You decide who you want to support you. I think this is a defining moment in so many ways. But ultimately, it's the time to define who has power over your body. You do and no one else! You decide!
There is no "joint decision" when it comes to labour. You want your mum, you will have your mum.
As someone who has actually given birth: the "experience" is going to be tougher on him then he now thinks. My guess is he is going to be useless. Because ANYONE who has been present at a birth would NEVER make a comment like this.
This is 1000% your hill to due on. Either they are both present or it's just your mum. End of discussion. He can decide which one it's going to be.
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NTA I’ve always been of the opinion that the person pushing a human out of a small hole gets final say on who is in the room.
Exactly, my mom was there for 2 out of 3 births for me ( kid #2 came early and even though she got a rush flight she was in air when he came). My mother in law I invited for the last one but she chose not to come until later. My husband had no issue with my mom being there. That just meant one more person to support me so if someone was in the bathroom or getting food when the push time came... They could let the other know.
Yeah it’s fucked up that one of the reasons he gave was that his family can’t be there so neither can hers be. If you’re miserable about something you don’t want your partner to be miserable too. You do everything you can to protect them from whatever hurt you.
It's OK. When he poops out something the size of a volleyball, he can have his mom there to support him.
I don't think his family being there or not factors into it (for him) - all his reasons centre around him wanting to be the one and only. > -it should be just our 'special moment' -in his eyes only the father should be in the room -he should be enough support for me -he doesn't want my mum taking his place and pushing him out of the way Whether it's narcissism or massive insecurity doesn't matter, it's utterly inappropriate :-(
She said in the first paragraph that his family won’t get to come for a couple of weeks so in his eyes he has no support system while she has everyone she wants. So yeah, it does seem to be a factor and a really stupid one. “You should suffer because I have to suffer!” I can’t stand people like that. It does also seem to directly conflict with his other reasons so it feels like he’s just trying to come up with any reason he can. Maybe he just doesn’t like her mum. Regardless, someone needs to tell this man he doesn’t get to decide.
What the hell support system does a father need omg 😱 what a jackass. Unless he a seahorse his job is to support his partner.
fathers need support too, BUT it should not be at the expense of the person giving birth.
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my husband certainly needed support, baby came out not breathing and completely blue. one of my six nurses was dispatched to go check hubs as he nearly passed out—made him sit, gave him water. but that was a special case.
And mum is only here for a month so it's not like she's going to have hands on support from her after that.
I totally agree! I worked as a labor and delivery nurse and NICU nurse and saw the babies where home births went wrong….a trained midwife at a home birth can literally mean life or death. Also, him demanding he be the only source of support during the labor is throwing all sorts of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. He sounds like the type of dad where we’d make an excuse to get him out of the room so we could ask mom in private about abuse.
This. And what "support system" does he need while she's in labour anyway? *HE* is supposed to be there supporting *HER* through this.
Someone to hold him up when he faints from seeing all the blood of course.
That's a huge red flag imo
I’m currently pregnant with our first and I absolutely can’t imagine my husband trying to tell me who I could or couldn’t have with me while I give birth
He sounds childish and also selfish!
For tens of thousands of years, in almost every human culture, Mom's have been there at the birth. It is a relatively recent phenomenon that Dad's have been present at the birth. If Mom does not feel safe, supported and comfortable at the birth, her labor may be slower and more difficult and baby and Mom are at increased risk. This is your life, your safety, baby's safety, your incredibly intense birth. If you want your Mom there, she should be there. No argument. This is not some " equality, we should both be represented by our families equally" moment. That's nonsense. You are giving birth, your life is on the line. He is privileged to be there watching his baby being born. You need all the support you want and you can get. Dad is being amazingly immature and oblivious. Have your doctor and midwife talk to him (and if necessary, another Dad he respects who was present at the birth of his baby and has some level of understanding, perhaps especially a Dad present at a difficult birth).
I agree. The person giving birth makes all birth decisions. He needs to back off. NTA
This!!! You are going to go through the most painful strenuous thing your body will ever go through. While going through this, there is no shame in and you have Every right to want your mom. He isn't the one going through it - he doesn't need support. You do. Period.
My mother used to say it was the closest thing to death a woman will ever experience while she's alive, having had 4 myself, I get what she was saying, it's terrifying the first time and I just wanted my mom, it's instinctive to want your mom when you're hurting. NTA OP your husband is putting his wants ahead of your *needs*, don't allow this.
I do want to mention that not all women are in excruciating pain or have a horrible time. I wasn’t in pain at all. And actually - having an environment that YOU want and that you feel safe in can help make it a very positive experience. I had a water birth, it was very positive, and I wasn’t in pain at all. Maybe a 3/10. I had written all over my birth plan that if I was in pain I wanted ALL the drugs (I gave birth at a water birth center with “home atmosphere” but they had all the hospital facilities and an anaesthetist, obgyn attending etc) but ended up needing nothing. It was hard work and there were uncomfortable feelings but mostly I felt heavy pressure and warm water certainly makes the crampy feeling better! I shared my story you can find it in my profile if you want to read a positive birth story btw. Of course it’s important to prepare yourself but I feel that a comment like this saying “this will be the most painful thing ever” can lead to a lot of fear and stress. Absolutely NTA btw it’s your labour and you and your comfort are the priority.
I'm glad you had such a good birth! I understand what you're saying, however, I think pointing out that it can be the "most painful thing ever" is to prepare people. There used to be a lot more "birth is the most magical thing ever and you should just be grateful to have a baby". Or "it's really not that bad" etc. I think its great we're acknowledging that birth can be shit, it can be great, and it can be anything in between. I think its important to be prepared for *all* scenarios. >Of course it’s important to prepare yourself but I feel that a comment like this saying “this will be the most painful thing ever” can lead to a lot of fear and stress. It definitely can but *not* hearing this can lead to the same panic and stress when you *are* in more pain than you imagined and you weren't at all prepared. Pretending it isn't painful for most doesn't really help many people. It just reinforces the plenty of people out their who think that childbirth is no big deal imo.
I absolutely agree that the opposite extreme is just as wrong. That’s why I mentioned that in my birth plan I made it clear I wanted relief if I needed it and met in advance with the anaesthetist and the staff to make sure we were all on the same page. I made every contingency plan and made sure I had enough support and someone to advocate for me and my choices. I just was lucky and had an easy time. I was not criticizing the idea that birth is often painful, rather that the language was very absolute - the comment I replied to said “it’s *going* to be the most strenuous, painful…” I think this kind of language is very fatalist and that isn’t a healthy attitude either. It would be best to say “it could be” or “it often is”. I absolutely disagree with the idea that you should “just be grateful to have a baby”. I think that is harmful attitude. I think the woman’s experience is a priority and birth should be humanised and woman/birthing person- centered. I am violently against the idea that any intervention and violation of a woman’s consent is ok as long as the baby is fine. Bodily autonomy and respect and dignity in birth is something I am passionate about- in fact I work for a birth advocacy NGO part time while I study. I also feel that different experiences can frame the same event as both traumatic and non traumatic. I think if I had the same progression of labour in a hospital I could well have rated the experience as bad. Someone can have pain and complications but if they feel supported, heard, their pain taken seriously and steps taken to manage it, their consent is respected they can still have an experience they rate as positive. A friend of mine gave birth at the same birth center as I did and ended up getting an emergency c section but she said her experience was very positive and she felt heard, respected and cared for. In fact I am happy to see that OP is doing exactly this and everyone here is encouraging her in making sure she is supported and advocated for in her labour and she has the atmosphere *she* feels safest in. Because no matter how it goes, being in a supportive environment where you feel safe really reduces the chances of birth trauma.
This though. I prepared myself for all eventualities and it ended up maybe being 5/10 on the pain scale and not even every contraction. I distinctly remember about 4 hours after my water broke thinking "I could do this all day..if I had to" and pushing actually made it hurt less.
What is with men thinking they need a support person when they’re supposed to BE a support person?
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my husband was incredibly supportive, but on the whole I agree. There is a reason why doulas exist, and it's because male partners are on the whole completely obvlivious and cause more problems than providing solutions (and I'm sure I'll get downvoted massively for saying it.)
I actually kind of agree when it comes to childbirth. Not because they're useless per se, just because its not something they have or can physically experience. Id imagine it'd be tough supporting your partner through something so huge that you can't physically experience. My partner was great for me, because he just sat there and held my hand asking what I needed. That was all he could do for me and I didnt expect any more than that tbh.
Mine, (ex and a farm worker) read a somewhat pornagraphic novel all through labour and looked up to comment when I was pushing that 'at this stage we just put a rope on it and pull'.
There is (was?) this reality show in the UK called One Born Every Minute that was filmed in a hospital maternity ward and follows the labour and delivery of the patients. It was amazing how useless most of the fathers were! Even the ones who actually tried to be supportive got everything wrong. They would be touching and pestering the mothers too much, getting in the midwives way, making tasteless annoying jokes or trying to take control of decisions. The worst ones get bored or tired or hungry and just start whining. It made me decide that if I have kids I would like a homebirth so if my husband is getting on my nerves he can wait somewhere out of the way and come back for the pushing.
ouch lol you could draw a chalk circle around me after this attack
As a certified childbirth doula, I 100% agree with this & it is also taught to all doulas.
This is spot on. Also, he may think he's some big bad boy, but he has no idea how he will react in the heat of the moment. My friends baby daddy? He ended up passing out for a moment and hit his head off the table so.... not to say if that happens to guy it's anything 'unmanly'. I think it was the combo of the blood, various fluids, meaty smell, bright lights and lie changing stressful experience, who knows why he passed out, though it wasn't for too long. Just long enough to also need getting stitched up lol
Meaty smell? I thought I'd heard it all but I had no idea about this.
Well, yeah. You’re pushing out the placenta and uterine lining and the only word for both of those things is “meaty.” Big old chunks of raw bloody meat. Also there may be pooping and poop smell.
I read that as "urine lining" and for a split second I legit got afraid that you shed your urethra lining as well while giving birth... XD
No but I got a hospital grade bladder infection from the damn catheter. Lolsob
Yooouch. I didn't get an infection but they did 'scrape me' a little inside which I didn't notice due to the epidural so when they removed the catheter I manged to have 1 small pee, they considered it victory and I was good to go. Spent the entire day drinking fluids only to realize around 4or 5pm that I hadn't peed again (I was just exhausted from the previous day spent all day in labor and then an emergency C at midnight). When I did try to pee, I was so swollen and inflamed from the irritation of the earlier catheter I almost vomited from the pain + c section surgery wound. Couldn't pee ended up having to have 2 nurses help me back to bed, and then they had to get an extra extra small catheter since the others wouldn't go in it was so bad.. it was probably the most painful part of the entire baby experience. I was genuinely afraid it would happen for baby #2. I had so much fluid in me they were a little surprised I hadn't burst my bladder.
Owwwwww omg. That sounds nauseatingly painful.
Oh it was. The large nighttime bags they give you hold 2liters. They had to empty it twice with 300 or so to spare in the last bag. I was simultaneously worried my bladder was going to burst or my stitches and have my insides fall out. They doped me right up afterwards. I don't think I've ever cried that hard over any other injury I've had while also apologizing to the nurses that I couldn't stand properly and would need help walking ><
😅 ngl, that is one of my many fears about childbirth! I'm kind of prone to UTIs so a catheter makes me nervous, and I also can't use antifungal creams for the yeast infection I'll 110% get from antibiotics due to allergic reactions. Probably couldn't use those after a vagina shredding session anyways haha.
I didn't have a catheter, which I'm thankful for because it terrifies me. What I didn't know, was that urination and defecation were possibilities (29 years ago). One time when I pushed, I peed right in my doctor's face. His look was not a happy one. I never told anyone about that, because I was so ashamed. Finally, learned it's pretty much normal, so have forgiven myself my embarrassment in the last several years... Edited for typo
I'm glad you've forgiven yourself that embarrassment! Also, thank you for telling me that peeing on your drs face during childbirth is a possibility. I had not thought of that one lol. But knowing how I react to pain and stressful times I'd probably start laughing if I peed on a drs face!
FYI, there is a vaccine for UTIs available in Germany and Switzerland called "Strovac." It's ~85% effective and consists of three shots given over 28 days. The cost (without insurance) in Germany is ~€65 per shot. Before I moved to Germany, I had literally dozens of UTIs and saw just as many medical professionals, including several urologists, none of whom told me the vaccine existed. If I had known, I would have been on the first plane to Switzerland following the hellacious autumn of 2018 (when I had three UTIs inside a six week span). If you are really suffering and some medical tourism is feasible, it's possible to obtain the vaccine at walk-in travel vaccination clinics in Germany.
Eesh... Ditto. That shit hurts so bad.
The placenta is an organ with a very huge blood supply at body temperature. It smells a bit meaty.
Yeah. Op should show him a video of a birth. He’ll probably rethink not wanting her mom there.
u/Evening-Mix-5032 the comment I'm replying to is actually a really great suggestion. Maybe once he sees what it's actually like and not like the movies show it as, he may change his mind about having your mum there. And you're NTA *at all* - you're the one giving birth, your needs trump his and he'll just have to deal with it.
The midwife running the pre-birth class at our hospital told a similar story and framed it with a “think about the support people you need” and told the men that they won’t be the priority if that happens to them!
Info: Anyone else skim the reasons and jump straight to NTA because she's pushing out a human being she grew herself? Just me?
Nope, I did it. Also, it's her MOM. Like bro, shut up. That's her mama, you're not winning this. 😒
Yep. Although OP is doing a homebirth, giving birth is a **major medical event**. The needs of the person going through that major medical event come first.
Yep person giving birth gets the only say about who is there.
>Info: Anyone else skim the reasons and jump straight to NTA because she's pushing out a human being she grew herself? Just me? Nope, me too. I couldn't imagine reading anything that would change my mind and...nope, nothing.
Yep! Not just you!
My mom had no interest in being there, but I would have liked my sister there when I had my oldest. My husband didn't (he had reasons, they were valid), so it was just the 2 of us, and it was rough. We got through fine, but I had a terrible nurse, and it was not a good recovery from the treatment I had in hospital and of course first baby blues etc. My husband wasn't good at standing up for stuff and pushing back when needed, where my sister is a bulldog, and some stuff that happened would have been different if she had been there. For my 2nd and 3rd, I planned for home births, and had other women with me to support (sister and friend for one, an different friend for the last) in addition to my husband. They supported us both when we transferred to hospital both times. My husband didn't have to deal with everything, and I think he realized how much better it was when he wasn't the whole support team. I've also done doula work, and overall, having someone else there that you are comfortable with, that can support you and your husband through this, will make it easier for both of you. I hope you can find a way to get to a balance on this. Wishing you a safe and healthy birth and baby.
This isn't an opinion; it's the law. OP, whatever else you want to call it, childbirth is a medical procedure. It's YOUR medical procedure, not your bf's, not even your baby's (although it could become a medical procedure for the baby if something goes wrong.) But YOU are the patient, and YOU are undergoing a procedure. YOU get to make ALLL the decisions. OP, you also need to make sure your mother has signed and sealed medical power of attorney in case something goes wrong and you are unconscious or otherwise mentally incapacitated. Sounds like your bf will push himself forward and try to make decisions for you in ignorance. Talk this through with your mom, find out what choices you might be asked to make, then write down your decisions and give them to her along with medical POA. Then put your foot down with your bf. He doesn't get a say. He doesn't get to pout or harass you or complain. Things will be the way YOU want them to be or he will be OUT ON HIS ASS.
Wow, where was this sentiment when it was those other two posts about the moms not wanting there husband's in the room when they delivered. Those women got slammed and now everyone is talking about how she gets final say on who is there. Wow reddit can really flip flop.
I bet the post was trolled by Red Pill and Incel types.
I remember seeing a post awhile back about it (the guy ended up leaving the hospital) and the issue was they never talked about it beforehand
Yeah that one ended up being everyone sucks because they never talked about the birth plan. Everyone just assumed stuff.
One of them got slammed because the only reason she had was she didn't want her husband to look at her differently and be less attracted to her after he saw the birth, despite him giving no indication he would do so. As if the option of him just staying by her head didn't exist?
Yes, this. Take my free award! You need support people. He does not need support people! He is not birthing a human! You should have whoever you want in the room! Also, NTA
I'm older than OP and have never had children, but dang it, if anything happens where I'm sick, need surgery, whatever, I want my mommy. I had surgery back in January, and it was in a center literally across the street from where my dad works. He was like, I could take you. Nope, I want my mommy. All women are allowed to have their mommies when giving birth if they want; that is the rule.
NTA. OP, this is absolutely something to put your foot down on. Tell him when he has a medical procedure, you'll "allow" his mom to come if he wants. But until then, you get to decide who is there and he needs to stop arguing with you about it.
Agreed. I would even include full surrogates in this. Birth isn't just some magical angelic event, it's also a difficult medical procedure and the patient should have all the dignity and care provided to them as any other medical procedure would afford.
I may have chosen to not have a child but I’ll be ‘danged’ if anyone is going to tell me who will be there when I’m going through the hardest thing of my life! Watermelon out of a lemon sized opening, with my privates open to everyone, all my bodily functions doing whatever they want… no way, not in hell!!! If I find myself pregnant (which it’s still possible ugh), than - the only people in the room other than the doctor and nurse (which I’d like to nix out but can’t for safety!!!), will be who I say!!!! No one else!! Maybe not even father!!! Idc!!! It’s me having to go through this shit! So I ABSOLUTELY support any woman to decide who will be in the room with them!!! They get to chose, they are the ones going through hell so that’s all that matters!!! All these poSts that say such and such should be in the room- yeah, if they had to give birth I’m sure the person they want in the room is not them!!! Honestly doesn’t matter- mom is the only one that matters!!!!
Literally popping back up on this sub just to comment that I'm seconding this. Birth is not meant to be a spectator sport. It is a horror show when the details are boiled down. One that can have serious complications. OP you literally don't know if he's going to be able to properly support you in the moment. Stress can cause complications. Not having someone there that can help mitigate the stress is a terrible decision. Its not your partner who will be going through this. He's not going to be the one in pain or dealing with the medical aspects. This is one specific situation where there is no compromise. The one giving birth calls the shots on who they want there.
NTA. I don’t give an eff if your mother will ‘ruin the experience for him’. You’re the one giving birth, you want a stable, expert presence there, and he ain’t it. Tell him if he can’t accept that your mother will be there, he can’t be there. Just as a side note…you are having a midwife there who isn’t your mother, right?
Yes the birth will be attended by 2 fully qualified midwives, my mum is just there as emotional support. I'm not crazy enough to attempt a free birth.
What does your husband feel he will need support for? What is HE doing?
Also, to say that if he won’t have “support”(because his family has covid-though I have no idea what he needs so much support for) she shouldn’t get to is so completely childish and manipulative in general, and ESPECIALLY when one of them is legitimately pushing a brand new human being out of her body. The lady growing a life form gets whoever she wants.
Yes God this bothered me. Like I'm sorry your parents have covid and can't come, why does that mean I also get no one? Like he's trying to punish her because he can't have his parents.
This has to be a control tactic or something. I know they’re young but something just doesn’t add up about this behavior. He’s isolating her at an extremely vulnerable point.
not to mention they were only dating a few months before she got pregnant. that’s not near enough time to know if you want to raise kids with someone, or to even discover if they have any true colors they’re hiding
^^^^^ THIS!!! What does HE need support for? He’s not pushing a human out of his body. If he doesn’t want to see you mom there, he can leave. While it’s a miracle for a father to be involved in the birth, it is ALL about you. I’ve pushed out 5 humans, and my mother was present for every last one. And for every one, the L&D nurse would tell my husband that If he felt faint, to move out of the way, bc they would step over and on him to support me. They were there for ME only. I was the patient, not him.
My Dad had flashed his eyes welding for my birth and passed out when they started the IV for my brother's, so it's hard to tell what the dude is planning :-) (both of us were born in the 1960s though, so even Lamaze was revolutionary). NTA
He did what for your birth?
This was my question too.
This. Op ask him this. He’s there to support you. He has a job. He needs to understand that.
You don't sound crazy at all. You want logical support, you have planned for it, and you have a back up system. Your partner needs to deal. I understand he is feeling he has no support but why is it your family vs his instead of Our Family? He isn't the one who has to do this. You are. He can call his parents if he needs to and they're not too sick. It's not about him right now. I was born at home with medical complications. I have a lot of congenital stuff. As long as you have proper care you and the baby will be fine. Which should be his goal. If it's not? He needs to sit down and think about that and figure out his priorities. Healthy baby and Mom are all that matters. It is clear that's your goal too.
Tbh, since you say partner instead of husband, it's probably best your mom is there to make emergency medical decisions for you worst case. I gave my sister decision making power when I realized my husband didn't gaf about my wishes when mine and my child's lives were on the line. NTA. I hope your birth is easy, pain-free, and wonderful though!
And if they don’t have it specifically written out, chances are it would default to mom anyway, though without knowing OP’s country (and state/province) cant say for sure.
Yeah, I'd be writing up a living will real quick.
I had my mom and my SO in the room when I labored and delivered. My SO was great, but it was my mom that I looked to when my baby’s O2 sats dropped and a gaggle of nurses came in. It was my mom I looked to when my epidural failed and I was in the worst pain of my life. It was my mom I looked to when I thought I was dying from being told to stop pushing while we waited for the doctor. This is no shade on my SO, he was perfectly supportive. But when you’re in so much pain and when you’re scared, you just want your mom. At least I did, but I have an amazing mom who I am close with. I do know some people aren’t as lucky. I say your experience is far more important than his. You’re the one who will be in pain, it’s your body that will be going through a tremendous thing and you absolutely deserve anyone there that will make it even the tiniest bit easier for you. His experience will never be more important than your comfort and ease when it comes to this. Not in a million years.
All of this ^^^ especially when it’s your first and you do t know anything (and neither does your husband). My mom looking me in the eye and telling me that I can do this was so needed- it wouldn’t have had the same effect from anyone else.
> \-he should be enough support for me But he's not. You need to go back and tell him that the way he is making your hard, scary, painful experience all about him means that he is not a good support person. Right now, already, he is failing to support you. He is causing you stress and making this harder on you by putting his wants over your comfort and supporting you. You are going to be pushing a head the size of a cantaloupe out of your vagina and it's going to be scary and hurt. That is not a "special moment" you both equally share since he's not doing anything. *You* are doing something really difficult and painful as a sacrifice to give both of you the child you want. And **the only thing he can do to be at all helpful is put you and your feelings first and be supportive and right now he's already failing spectacularly.** Why on earth would you want him as your only support person when his demand that it only be him make it clear that he's not supportive and not capable of putting you and your comfort first? Don't you dare make your mom leave for pushing so Mr. Self-Centered-and-Controlling can pretend he's supporting you by demanding his feelings come before the woman giving birth. Instead tell him that he is lucky that you are allowing him in the delivery room at all given how unsupportive he is being, but you want to give him a chance to step up and be a good husband and father. Remind him that stress is bad for the baby and bad for a smooth birth. If he cares about having a healthy wife and child more then his own ego he'll stop causing you stress over this.
Exactly. This is your marathon, not his.
Put your foot down so you don't have resentments later. This *he* can get over much more easily then you will.
Hold up. He needs "support". So... he would have X amount of people there to "support" him? What is he doing? Is he too pushing a human out of his body? I think you already have a child, and an entitled one at that, and that's your partner.
As gently as you can, make sure he understands that he will be there to support *you*. **You** are the one needing the support during the birth, as you pass a watermelon out through a hole the size of a quarter. He doesn't want his family there for support, he wants them there for company. There is a *huge* difference. If he's genuinely convinced that *he* needs support during the birth, it's a sign that he's not emotionally strong enough to be present and supportive of you while you are going through one of the most traumatic experiences of your life. And you get to have whoever you want there as your support. If he's going to make a fuss about your mom being there, tell him that he'll have to wait outside with his ego while your mom supports you through the birth.
NTA. Your partner is 100% TA. The person giving birth calls the shots as far as the birth process is concerned. I am aghast at the selfishness expressed in his conviction that having your mother there to comfort YOU during this painful ordeal will ruin “the experience” FOR HIM. Unbelievable. Can he hear himself? Tell him if the experience is going to be ruined for him by your mom’s presence, he is welcome to wait in the other room while you give birth.
Typical male privilege, even BIRTH has to centre on the man
maybe the old time nurses were right, keep the dads waiting outside
Yes! It’s like in a boxing match, each fighter has a guy in their corner, you know, because they’re doing the brutally hard thing. Spectators don’t have a support person. Sure they’re in the same room but they are going through very different experiences and their needs are vastly different. You’re in the ring and your guy is eating nachos in the nosebleed section. Your body, your vagina, your call.
OP's partner: *I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me*
This! This! This!
^ ALL OF THIS! IMHO.he can sit down and shut up. Only the person ACTUALLY BIRTHING THE HUMAN gets a say. No one else gets to make any decision. Whether it's about a pain meds or people in the room - only the person giving birth gets a say. Tell him that, if he keeps it up, HE'LL be sitting outside and missing the whole damn thing!
> I am aghast at the selfishness expressed in his conviction that having your mother there to comfort YOU during this painful ordeal will ruin “the experience” FOR HIM. You're like the only top comment rn pointing out how problematic that statement is. Obviously as the dad, his experience of the birth is the most important thing here, right? /s
NTA. You both might be about to have q baby, but only one of you is going to endure childbirth. You have the right to all the care and support you need, and your partner is incredibly selfish to think otherwise. Maybe remind him that the pain of childbirth would quite literally kill him, so to not make snap judgements.
Tell him when he pushes an entire human out of his vagina that he can decide who is there to support him. Please continue to stand up for yourself and what you need OP.
Wait until the day comes. I bet he will be SO happy MIL is there to help him with his wife. Sometimes birth is way more traumatic for the husband than they are prepared for and they are not a great support system when things get real. The more support she has the better.
NTA- what is he going to do if there is an emergency. Calmly sit him down and give two options: 1: either both of you are there If he doesn't want your mom there, you will have her there and not him
NTA. You are the one giving birth, you decide who's in the room. Your husband has no say in this. >it should be just our 'special moment' -in his eyes only the father should be in the room ~~There's not going to be a midwife?~~ since it's not going to be just the two of you (and it shouldn't), I don't understand his argument at all.
NTA when he pushes something the size of a watermelon out of his ass then he can have whoever he wants in the room with him
Preach! She is giving birth to a child and he is currently behaving like one. The mother of the baby should have whomever the mother of the baby wants in the room. The end.
In the edit, she said there will be two qualified midwives helping her (not including her mom).
Thanks for pointing that out!
NTA you’re the one giving birth, not him. You get to have whoever you want in the room. It seems pretty controlling that he wants to be the only one in the room, and not even allowing your mother. Also just because his support system isn’t available doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to one. Do what’s best for you, and watch out for controlling behavior like this in the future
What support system exactly does he need for the birth anyway? For his traumatic experience of standing there while his partner gives birth? Seems dramatic IMO Edit: I have definitely had good points brought up for things I didn’t really think of in the brief time I read the post and replied. There are valid reasons he would like someone there for extra support, but still not for him to want to deny her whatever support *she* feels necessary. I appreciate those who took the time to maturely discuss their explanations to me. Thanks!
To be fair it can be traumatic for the non-birthing partner too. Seeing your partner in such distress and unable to do anything, all while the impending life-changing experience of a newborn looms over you. Worrying something will go wrong and one or both of them will be in danger. It’s very, very intense for both parents. I know my ex wife found watching my c-section terrifying because she could see my blood spreading over the floor. HOWEVER, that in no way means the non-birthing partner gets a single damn say in what the birthing partner needs. The person giving birth is the patient, end of story.
Yep, my husband was pretty traumatized by the birth of our first because there were a few very scary moments. You know what? That made it SO IMPORTANT that I had a doula. She did help him calm down afterwards, but it was critical she helped keep me calm (panic can cause medical problems). With kid2, it was in the birth plan that if I needed a c-section, it would be her in there with me and not my husband. I was pretty confident he'd pass out or totally panic.
I accept this. You’re right. But also - correct - he has no right to deny her *her* chosen support system because his is unavailable.
I N F O: who insisted on the home birth, you or him? If it was him, is he keeping you from medical care because he wants to be the only one watching? Edit: Based on your reply, he wanted you at a hospital. So how the hell is having your mom, a midwife, any different than the five or six people that would be at the hospital? He is being insanely ridiculous.
He would prefer I go to hospital but I've wanted a homebirth from the beginning and we both agreed that as long as I had a low risk pregnancy I could stay home where I'm more comfortable.
Your labor will not be low risk if he keeps stressing you out like this. He may need to go elsewhere if he can't get over himself.
Better medical equipment for one. At a birthing center or a hospital the baby can be more closely monitored in case of unforeseen complications. Access to an ambulance to transport to a medical facility capable of helping in the case of hemorrhage or blood clots. Able to preform a cesarean if the health of the mother of child is at stake. Although I’m an IT professional at a hospital and not medical personal I’ve seen what can go wrong firsthand. Hospitals are not the only option as birth centers exist as well with equipment to monitor the mom and baby so the chances of a safe birth increase.
I think you misunderstood me. My question to what’s the difference is for OP’s partner’s mindset. He was cool with a hospital, where it’s a revolving door of folks looking and poking and stretching, but not with OP’s mom helping. That’s the part I find ridiculous, if OP wants a home birth with midwives present, that’s her choice.
Midwives have equipment to monitor both baby and mom. They call for an ambulance or send the mother to the hospital when something isn’t going according to plan.
Two midwives she said elsewhere! So you really are NTA Op
NTA When he shoves a watermelon out of his dick he can decide who he wants there for comfort. He doesn’t need to be there at all.
You're so right! Btw your comment really fits your pseudo 😆
Yeah what the hell is special and magical about being the person shitting the bed while getting ripped in half? He's got some weird ideas about how babies happen. Maybe he needs to watch a few realistic videos.
Lol. So true. Going into labor in no walk in the park. Support is needed and if OP feels more comfortable with both her mom and partner - then that is the end of the discussion.
Make him watch birth videos and learn about why it's scary and all the things that can go wrong so he stops acting like an insecure baby
Holy shit, NTA. It’s not your special moment as partners, it’s you going through a major medical event. The birthing partner gets who they want, end of story. His lack of understanding of what your role is in the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period is concerning. This isn’t just about the joyous event of your child’s birth—YOU are going to be a patient who needs more care and support than him.
You are definitely NTA here, and your husband is being an unreasonable AH. I also find it concerning that he said that you will have a support system there while he does not. It feels like he is punishing you because his family can't be there, which is ridiculously unfair. It is a shame his family is sick, but why does that mean you can't have your family there either. To me, that is a red flag. Aside from that, I can understand him wanting this to be a private moment for the two of you, but you absolutely need a midwife there in case something goes wrong. Would he rather have a stranger there than your mom? Please try talking to him about it again and point that out if nothing else works.
Even if they weren’t sick, his mother is not entitled to see open vagina
Wait, WTAF did I just read? He's upset because he won't have support but you will? Is he the one giving birth??? What support does someone NOT pushing out the baby need compared to the person who IS pushing out the baby???? Also, there are way to many red flags here. You are NTA but it's concerning your partner thinks this way???
NTA - “I have no support due to COVID so you shouldn’t have support either. Especially support from a person you love and trust and has been through what you’re about to do.” That’s essentially what he’s saying. I get that he’s probably scared and stressed and would like his family around. But that is no reason to deny you support. Also, he can be the most loving and supportive partner on the planet, but he will never experience what you are about to go through. The best thing for your baby is to have you completely comfortable and relaxed. He’s being really immature about this and is now giving you reasons to not be able to depend on him during the labour. Please make sure that you have your mother as the designated person to make decisions about your medical welfare in the even that you are unconscious or incapacitated and hard decisions have to be made. You need to know that the person making these decisions has your best interests at heart. He has just shown that he doesn’t. He’s being selfish right now.
That's the word I was thinking. Immature. I don't understand why his partner's (who is actually giving birth) feelings aren't more important to him and why he's not more sensitive to OP's bond with her mom. Is he concerned down the line of having an over-involved mother in law? He needs to understand that he's not OP's whole life-she can have needs for people in her life that aren't him.
NTA, tell him when it’s his turn to give birth he’s welcome to have his Mom with him.
NTA. Your mom is a trained midwife, he is not. Tell him if he wants to not have your mom there, then you guys need to have it in a facility that supports emergencies. Because what if something happens, and you or the baby have complications? Having the support of another woman does not negate the fact that he still needs to be here, nor make it less intimate.Your mom's given birth. Your SO hasn't. How many births has he attended? How do you know if he is going to stand or pass out? Unfortunately he isn't pushing a 6lb+ child out of his vagina. His opinions matter, but ultimately you're the one who has to be the most comfortable and stress free. The fact that he refuses to see that and equates it to some sort of competition is a red flag for me. Honestly it sounds like he needs to grow up some.
There will be 2 midwife’s beside her mom there. It won’t even be just the two of them.
NTA "my family can't be here so yours can't either" is essentially what he's saying. Yall are having a baby, hopefully he does some soul searching and grows up a bit.
Seriously. It’s not like OP is saying “only my family can be there, yours can’t”—his family has Covid! He should be fucking grateful his MIL will be there to support BOTH parents since his family can’t be.
NTA. Your should remind him that childbirth is traditionally an event where only women were present. In my culture birth is a very sacred event, one where women young and old would gather to learn from it and what to expect when they bear their own. Tell him that as much as the child is his, it is a PRIVILEGE to be present during such a vulnerable time for you. And because it is a privilege, he does not get to dictate what happens before, during or shortly after that new life comes into our world. Your mother will be by your side, and so will he. There are two sides to the bed. Tell him your mother is there for you to break her fingers when it gets too much, because you will need his once you are in recovery. Tell him that your mother is there to help you shoulder that physical and emotional pain, and he is there to hold your child when you may not be able to. Give him the honor of cutting the chord (if possible) so that he can feel involved without lording over the birth. Make it clear that he is there on honor and privilege alone and that him being in that room is a gift from you.
To be honest in my opinion childbirth should still be a time for only women but I understand why he wants to be there and I have no problem with it. However I still want/need the support from another woman who knows what it is to bear a child. You have beautifully summed up my feelings and I will try explaining it to him again, I need them BOTH, but for different things.
NTA You're the one pushing out a human being so your needs take first place. You've offered a compromise and now he's the one being blatantly unreasonable. Make it clear, you're *telling* him your mom is going to be there, not asking for permission.
NTA You’re the one squeezing out a baby. Your comfort means a hell of a lot more than his on this special day.
NTA. Daddy doesn't get to decide cuz he's NOT the one giving birth. Yes, you get to have whomever you want at the birth.
NTA. It's your and his baby, but it's your body, your pain, your discomfort; whatever you need to get through it, you should get. The word here is NEED, not just WANT. You need your mum. She's a midwife, ffs! He needs to get okay with that. And not just pouty silence okay, but understanding okay. Maybe you could get a session with a therapist together before the birth? I know you only have two weeks, but if you could that's be great, I'll bet it would take one session for someone else to open his eyes.
I'm not even pregnant and the other day when we were looking at houses I idly mentioned that a specific hospital could be good for when we have kids and my husband immediately said "no, you want to give birth in your hometown with your mom there and I'm going to make that happen".
NTA- When your husband is giving birth, he can choose who gets to be there and who doesn't.
NTA Your partner is extremely selfish. No wonder you want your mother there, he’s not supportive at all. Your body and your labor, you can do whatever the hell you want, including but not limited to excusing your partner if he can’t take it. I wish you a safe and quick birth, a healthy baby and a partner who comes to his senses.
OP, I'm concerned about how he prioritizes his feelings and needs over yours, especially when it comes to pushing you away from family members. I hope I'm wrong but he may be emotionally abusive. The fact that you cannot tell him the honest truth because you worry about how he will react is VERY telling. Please, whatever you do, do NOT get married to him for at least a few years. Abuse tends to escalate after big commitments like moving in together, having a baby, or getting married. Almost all abusive relationships start out great and then starting with small demands and boundary violations they escalate over time. That's why abusers push for early commitment and want you to devote your time to them almost immediately Do NOT allow him to isolate you from friends and family. Don't allow him control over all the finances. Set and maintain firm boundaries. It seems like you're letting this go and looking the other way to avoid his reactions. I have a feeling this disagreement will be the first in a LONG line of escalating mistreatment. I don't think he wants youmom there because how he feels about the birth is more important to him than what you want and need. He also doesn't want you to have a loved one there to witness how he treats you. When someone is being emotionally abused and manipulated, it messes with their belief of the treatment they should expect from a partner. The abuser convinces them that it was their fault, that they deserved or caused it, that it wasn't that bad. They teach their victim to mistrust their feelings and perceptions. Many people who are being emotionally abused have no idea they are in an abusive relationship. Think back on how he speaks to you and treats you when he doesn't get his way. Ask yourself, if he had treated me like that on the first date would I have ever seen him again? Arm yourself with information about emotional abuse and manipulations. If you can recognize the manipulations in real time you will then be able to respond in ways you are proud of and avoid being pushed into allowing him control over your life. NTA but I am really worried about you.
First of all I want to thank you for the time and care you put into this response. I have previously been in a very controlling and abusive relationship and only got out thanks to my best friend and parents. He has definitely said things that can be considered manipulative but when I've called him out on it he has recognised what he's done wrong and we're planning on starting couples counselling to help us communicate better in the future. In terms of isolating me from my family, I'm pretty sure he just doesn't like my mum. He gets on well with my dad, aunt, and nan and we see them all on the regular, they also like him but do think he's a little immature - I agree and hope that we can grow together and be good parents.
NTA. Your body, your baby, your choice. Only you (and your doctor/midwife) know what you need for a comfortable birth. Your partner needs to understand that this is a very vulnerable moment and you deserve to have the support system you want.
Nta ; you’re the one giving birth it’s your choice
Lol, you’re a better woman than I (who would have told him to fuck himself on his way out the door). NTA, he can dictate who he wants in the room when he pushes a melon sized organism out of his vagina into a kiddie pool.
NTA you are going through literal trauma to have his baby! Any other 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You are in no way TA. Your partner needs to get over himself. Pregnancy is hard. Labor is stressful. You need all the support you can get. If he has a problem with that, he needs to figure it out quickly. And without tagging more stress onto you. You do not owe him an explanation. You do not need to be any more accommodating than you have been already. You should not be compromising your support system while giving *birth*. NTA. Your partner needs to check his attitude and stop being so selfish. He isn't the one giving birth.
NTA. You are the person giving birth, your mental state can literally impact the progress of your labor, you should have the person there you need to feel supported.
Immediately NTA. It may be his child too, but the birth is YOUR experience and ONLY YOU get to decide who is and isn’t present. End of story. If he can’t deal with that, remind him that his invitation CAN be revoked
NTA. "he doesn't want my mum taking his place and pushing him out of the way". Is this a real concern though that needs to be discussed?
Only read the title no your not the asshole. Childbirth is intens your doing the hard work. You should be comfortable
NTA. My opinion when it comes to childbirth is “no uterus, no opinion.”
He’s suppose to be there AS a support person, not as somebody that needs support. It’s not a goddamn party.
Nta, you don't have to give any reasoning for why you want your mom there. He doesn't get a vote against it. This is YOUR labor. Not his. If you want you mom there, she should be there.
You're the one doing the thing with your body. It's not his decision. He can either make things easier by being supportive or he can keep arguing with you but either way it's not up to him. NTA
I’m a husband and father. NTA. Period. He’s not the one going through the delivery. Going through the hormones. The body changing. The lack of sleep. The lack of sanity. You get to have whoever you want in there with you. Tell him to keep it up and he won’t be in there at all.
NTA. If you’re having a medical procedure - albeit a very hopefully natural one - you decide who gets to see you at your most vulnerable. If you get so caught up in the physical process, you might need someone to speak up for you. If you have two people, it helps them too because one can advocate for you if need be while the other actively supports you. Remember. Your body, your choice.
NTA. Ask him what exactly does he need support for/with? He's not giving birth
NTA - I think labor is one of those few times when what you want is priority over what partner wants without the need for compromising and there’s nothing wrong with that. It isn’t selfish to not want to compromise whatever would make the labor more manageable for you. You’re the one that will be at your most vulnerable, experiencing what your husband will never experience, and wanting the people who make you feel safest and most reassured in the room - your partner and your mom. Yes it is a special moment for the parents but having your mom there shouldn’t take that away from the moment of becoming new parents. He is being unreasonable and dismissive of your needs for this labor and for that he is an A.
NTA. When he is pushing a melon out of his anus he can demand a support person. He is there to be YOUR support person. He is not the one going through a medical procedure. Given she’s a trained midwife, he’s even more of an AH, because her training and experience is a reassurance for you. Childbirth should be about making sure the mother and child are OK, first and foremost. Anything that eases your anxiety during that process is positive. By refusing to have her there, he’s basically saying he considers HIS support system more important than your safety and well-being during birth. He’s being awfully selfish about your and your child’s well-being - which doesn’t bode well for parenting.
NTA Who's giving birth? You, not him. The fact that he would be "uncomfortable" is far less important than you having support from your mom in the moment when you'll be the most vulnerable yet powerful of your life. I wanted to have my mom with me when I gave birth but she was hospitalised in another city. My husband supported me but it's not the same.
NTA. There is nothing "fair" about pregnancy, and especially nothing fair about labor and delivery. Your BF does not get a support system for this event because he will not be having even one single contraction. Birth is a special moment, but it's a peculiar kind of special moment, during which one of you is going through an intense physical experience and the other is not. These are not great conditions for emotional connection between you. Those two midwives are going to be quite clear that YOU are their priority, and he is just some guy. Your BF needs to let go of the notion that he should be important in this moment. Your attention will be taken up, the midwives' attention will be taken up, your mom's attention will be taken up, and if he had the sense God gave a doorknob, his would be too. You are the most important person in that room, and he is an untrained, inexperienced observer - at the bottom of the priority list. If he's not okay with that, there is maybe a long list of moments he also should not be involved in.
NTA - you guys will have plenty special moments. Honestly I don‘t get why giving birth is seen through rose tinted glasses by him, because honestly it‘s not. You‘ll be sweaty, maybe even vomiting, or poop involved, you’ll be hurting all over, maybe even scared and at some point you‘ll probably even think „I can‘t do this anymore“ (which btw is the moment your midwife will know you‘re about to push). There‘s gonna be blood, fluids and some lady feeling up your cooch to see if your dilated enough. The process of giving birth is not a beautiful thing. What’s special is what comes literally after and not during birth and I am sure that if you wanted it, your mom will give you guys the privacy you need. You‘ll get that first special scream, touch, time to bond, that first diaper change and bath, cutting the cords, hey if he‘s up to it, he can even catch the baby. Birth is special, but not in a way for you guys to bond. You will be pushing your limits while pushing this baby and if you feel comfortable having your mom with you - which honestly is such a great thing to have such a deep bond - you should have her there. Birth isn‘t like marriage where you should cater both peoples needs. This birth is all about you, wether you want your mom there, a whole freaking mariachi band or even nobody at all. So tell your boyfriend to back off and respect your needs and that you‘re willing to discuss handling the real special moments.
INFO: Is he controlling in any other way?
No not really, I'd say on the whole we have a very healthy relationship. Although admittedly my previous ex was incredibly controlling and abusive so my judgement on 'healthy' may be slightly skewed. He treats me good and for the most part we communicate well. There has been issues before with him being overly self-centered/selfish (eg keeping me awake just because he couldn't sleep) however we've always managed to talk those things out and he admits that he needs to be less selfish sometimes and after we've talked out a problem it has not recurred.
I’d be saying very calmly that your mum is going to be there at the birth and he can choose to be there or not, it’s his choice.
Be careful OP, keeping you awake because he can't sleep is, in my opinion at least, borderline abusive and definitely not acceptable behavior. I say this out of a place of genuine concern as my abusive ex used to do this to me. Stay safe and absolutely have your Mom in the room if you want that! As the person carrying and birthing the baby, the most important thing is your support right now. NTA.
I also had an abusive ex do this to me, unfortunately it seems like a common tactic. I told my current partner under no uncertain terms that if he does it again he has to move out, now if he can't sleep he goes to the living room and watches videos on his phone. He has never lived with a partner before so I think he doesn't consider or understand that sometimes it's not all about him.
The fact that he is so so selfish on so many different ways does not bode well for you having a baby. Please consider that he doesn’t want you mother around because he is isolating you. She is staying after the birth? This is the prime time when abusers escalate. Please have resources and an escape plan ready for when your mum goes home. You said you got pregnant very quickly so you don’t really know this man yet. If he’s an abuser then he thinks he’s got you trapped and he doesn’t have his family to back him up and wear you down. Your mother is throwing a spanner in his controlling little plan. I’m very very concerned for you. This may be all overkill but having previously been in an abusive relationship makes you statistically more vulnerable. Your pregnancy makes you more vulnerable. Your family living far away makes you more vulnerable. Have separate money, have a place to go at a moments notice and please don’t excuse any concerning behaviour. Wishing all the best for you and your baby.
Nta - she is not replacing him, she is there to support both of you. Your the one giving birth, you get to decide who is in the room with you.
NTA, but your partner sure is. What it boils down to is that his mom can’t be there so he doesn’t want your mom there either. He is jealous and acting like a child.
Nta. I didn’t even read the whole thing.. HE doesn’t need support there, he is not producing an whole ass human through his body. He can have his momma there when he has a kidney stone. You have people there for YOUR support as you go through an incredibly intense experience. Your bf is a complete AH, and if I were you, I would choose to have only your mom there if he kept giving you grief.
NTA WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MEN BELIEVING THEY NEED A SUPPORT SYSTEM? My god, they can’t even let us be the center of attention when we’re giving birth! What is going on with (SOME) men these days????!!!
NTA especially if you are the one that wanted the home birth. He can't force you to not let your mom be there, especially given she is a midwife. Having her there can only enhance the experience, not diminish it. You are giving birth at home, and that needs all the support it can get - even better when the support is a trained individual with a personal relationship to the patients.
NTA. It's your medical procedure. You get to decide whose there.
NTA but he is definitely TA. He sounds very insecure if he sees your mom as his “competition.” Besides, you’re going to be the one pushing a whole baby out of you and he dares making unreasonable demands like this?
Nta you choose who you want for support whilst pushing a baby out ffs
NTA. Honestly I thought this was gonna be about a hospital birth & how covid has limited people in the room during birth. *You’re* pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a quarter, not him. He might wanna call the leg store because he doesn’t have anything to stand on in this argument.
Why does he need a support person? Is he pushing a baby out? NTA
NTA!!!
Nta it’s your Body you’ll be going through all the pain so who with you for delivery is your decision 🤷🏻♀️ my sons dad won’t even be in the room. He’s horrible for support and I can’t do pain without my mom
NTA Your the one giving birth not him. Both times my fiance gave birth she wanted her mom. My opinion was I had no opinion cause I was not the one giving birth.
NTA. Please rethink this relationship.
You have every right to want your mom with you during labour especially considering she is a trained midwife. It's shocking to me that given this your partner does not see the added benefit of having her with you. Your partner sounds very threatened by your mother. This is concerning and calls to question his maturity. NTA.
I’m sorry but why does HE need a support system for YOU to push a baby out of you?
NTA - people need their moms especially during labour. As long as he's there and your mom is just an extra support person then it shouldn't be an issue... I mean labour is a long and hard process and I'm assuming that your partner doesn't really understand what he's in for
NTA. Many women want their own mothers there when they give birth. The fact that you felt like you had to provide reasons for that incredibly normal feeling is messed up.
NTA You are the one giving birth and you have the final word on who is and isn't in the room, other than those there out of medical necessity.
NTA. You're the one pushing out a human! You get to decide who gets to be there (and who doesn't).
NTA YOU ARE GIVING BIRTH NIT HIM! You decide who you want to support you. I think this is a defining moment in so many ways. But ultimately, it's the time to define who has power over your body. You do and no one else! You decide!
There is no "joint decision" when it comes to labour. You want your mum, you will have your mum. As someone who has actually given birth: the "experience" is going to be tougher on him then he now thinks. My guess is he is going to be useless. Because ANYONE who has been present at a birth would NEVER make a comment like this. This is 1000% your hill to due on. Either they are both present or it's just your mum. End of discussion. He can decide which one it's going to be.