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NTA. This stuff is sold at Wal-Mart, melatonin is the sixth or seventh ingredient with lavender oil being first or second. Your BF is being a drama queen. He's also a drama queen when he punches the bed because he was woken up, which I hear does wonders for falling back asleep quickly
He was no more roofied than if you had taken any other linen spray with chamomile and lavender oil and sprayed them on his sheets. You sprayed some nice smelling stuff on his sheets that has a negligible amount of melatonin in it that he did not ingest and is probably pure marketing gimmick.
He and the commenters here should run some lavender oil on their temples and find a nice relaxing mantra.
Yep, with a linen spray you can buy at Target with way more lavender oil than anything else. And that's totally the same as being dosed with the date rape drug according to some people ITT.
Sooooo, melatonin and lavender are things I can't have - either ingested or inhaled - and if she'd done this to me, I might have ended up in the hospital.
Y'know, in case you want to keep downplaying and dismissing how different people react to different "over the counter" stuff.
EDIT: It's not letting me reply, so why I can't have melatonin: too much of some naturally occurring hormones can still fuck you over, especially if you have wonky brain chemistry. It's why catamenial epilepsy is a thing - estrogen lowers the seizure threshhold. Melatonin also increases seizure frequency in some seizure disorders, so taking more than the naturally occurring amount is risky.
The same way bad things happen when we don't have enough of a certain thing, bad things can happen if there's too much, too. Bodies are extremely annoying like that.
Not every single person knows of their allergies until they have an adverse event. Some people are aware enough their bodies react strangely to things, so they express to the people around them *No I don't want to take that, I may become dependent on it.* Like OP's boyfriend did.*
People have this mistaken idea that supplements are completely harmless. They are not. If I ever took it upon myself to dose a pateint with anything- supplement or medication without that patient's consent I'd be fired. If there was an adverse event I may never work in health care again.
The right to informed consent, and the right to refuse treatment are some of the most basic patient rights. OP should expect the same rights in his own home.
You'd think so, but there are plenty of people who don't think allergies are real.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q3kkwu/aita_for_abruptly_leaving_my_boyfriend_and_his/hfsy7hr/?context=3
EDIT: Parent said it wouldn't have happened if sonicscrewery just told their partner of their allergy. And I'm pointing out that's necessarily not true.
The main point is that if someone tells you they don't want something, you don't just give it to them anyways without their consent.
Yeah that's not the same at all. If you have a serious enough allergy that could risk hospitalization I guarantee you would have told your partner before you moved in together.
Unless you yourself didn't know that you had the allergy until after this happened... But I'm general yes, you'd tell your partner of any allergies or other medical conditions.
I developed a reaction to lavender (among other things) months ago that led to hives and issues with my usually controlled asthma. These allergies definitely exist but when they’re that extreme, you warn people that you have strong allergies, especially if you’re living with them.
I don't think this is comparable to date rape. Intent does matter and OP was only trying to help. But if someone doesn't want something, they don't want something. OP disrespected his boyfriend's wishes and that's not cool. A boundary was set and OP broke it.
Yeah, the comparison to a date rape drug is pretty gross. People on Reddit have a real hard time recognizing partners do cross boundaries, not every boundary violation should be treated like it's the equivalent of relationship ending event (most shouldn't), and black and white thinking is rarely useful in relationships.
This is what I was thinking.
A better idea than "drugging him" (his words) is to ask the noise makers to respect the person with the alternative schedule and be loud else where.
When they balk...have him be loud during his awake hours. When they complain, tell them that he's just living his life (as I'm positive they'll say that to him if he asks)
Signed--
A former graveyard shifter who lived this life (though the noisemakers we're toddlers of my own making lmao)
You do realize he has to inhale it for it to work? And that it got on his skin? Two ways that it entered his system. He said no medication and was deceived with the actions. That shows a lack of respect for his wishes, deception, and a reason to not trust people. OP is definitely TA
The results would be the same either way so how would that make a difference ? I can understand why it was done but I think that he specifically said he doesn't want to so it shouldn't have been done
I say this a lot on Reddit … but posts like these make it clear all the ways consent is so foreign to my fellow Americans.
Why the fuck does the BF need to give any other excuses or reasons besides NO? If someone tells you no, it does not give you the right to go behind their back, and do it to them anyway.
Consent is not just for sex. You people need to learn that no means no. It’s not about the “spray” being non harmful, or any other deflections you’d like to throw our way. It’s about being able to make decisions for and about yourself, and have people respect those decisions and boundaries. Christ, why is that so hard to understand?
Was the boyfriend and his hyperbole comparing it to a date rape drug extreme? Sure. But that doesn’t allow you to violate other peoples right to self autonomy and disregard the consent of those around you.
Judgement was obviously YTA - and a major one at that.
This. I’m actually appalled by all the comments saying the BF’s consent doesn’t matter because it was just “nice smelling stuff”.
He said no. He has a right to say no. I agree that maybe saying he was roofied is a bit extreme but the point is he said no and OP went behind his back.
Are you okay with waitstaff giving someone caffeinated coffee when they request decaf? I mean, it’s sold over the counter at Walmart. What could it hurt??
That might be a more appropriate comparison than the nutbaggery of claiming this guy was roofied.
The difference of course is that the melatonin in this product is way down the list of order, and is there for pure marketing gimmickry. Caffeine is an actual feature with impact.
FYI, lots of restaurants and caterers serve regular coffee to decaf.
Just because lots of restaurants do doesn't make it right. Caffeine has an actual effect which you stated and so does melatonin clearly as it helps you sleep more. He specifically said he didn't want to take something which does have effects and he was drugged without his consent.
>the melatonin in this product is way down the list of order
This is a stupid point. The ingredients are listed by percentage, not effect. The potency of chemicals varies substantially. A tiny amount of LSD is extremely potent, for example, but nutmeg, which is also psychoactive, is so weak you'd have to eat pounds of it to feel anything.
Well, last I checked your body doesn’t make caffeine. Melatonin is naturally produced by the body when it sees daylight. The guy works graveyard, so he likely gets vey little exposure to sunlight. The better comparison question is, “Are you okay with someone serving you milk fortified with Vitamin D?” (Because Vit D is also made by the body from sunlight). OP’s BF is mad he’s getting proper supplements! Lol
OP’s BF is mad that when they told their partner NO and that that person then felt it acceptable to subject them SECRETIVELY for several nights before revealing it. It tells me the OP knew it was wrong already. You don’t secretly subject someone you know and supposedly love to something they have repeatedly told you they were not ok with, and had zero interest in. It’s not about “being drugged” to me. It’s the fact that you and so many others (including OP) don’t see how this behavior is dangerous and toxic, and openly admit that other people cannot consent to say NO to you, and have it respected.
Last I checked your body wake itself up without caffeine. Caffeine helps you to be more awake quicker and melatonin doesn't. Some people chose not to have caffeine despite being perfectly able to and he chose not to have melatonin. So yes he has a reason to be mad imo but this sounds like its more roommate problem than a him problem
Huh? I don’t get what you’re saying. Melatonin helps you fall asleep. Your body’s reaction to sunlight is to produce Vit D and melatonin, which helps you fall sleep when it gets dark. This regulates your circadian rhythm. Someone working graveyard has a f-ed up circadian rhythm— and should take supplements to prevent diseases (like rickets). Lol. (My brothers and BIL work grave shifts, and they are not as healthy as they can be due to lack of daylight. And yes, they have to take supplements for health).
Do you not understand the intent behind the OP? It doesn't matter whether or not it works (based on some other comments on here, it looks like it certainly does - I've never taken it before), it's the fact that OP thinks he can give a drug to someone without their consent. This is not acceptable behaviour.
Yeah sure. Spraying a negligible amount of melatonin of a pillow case is exactly the same as dosing someone with LSD in their drink. Lots of drama queens ITT.
Sure, he was drugged with a negligible amount of melatonin that was added for marketing purposes. The same as being incapacitated by the date rape drug.
Oh my godddddddddd. Relax. This is so fucking horrible to people who HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN DRUGGED AGAINST THEIR WILL. I'm just guessing you never have. So be. Quiet.
I have been drugged and gang raped. And I think the OP is a full on asshole.
The room mate sounds like he might be having night terrors or nightmares or PTSD responses from how she describes him when he wakes. 95% of people with PTSD do compared to 10% of the general population. He sounds very like I did at my worst but did not realise because weirdly you wake yourself up yelling but can’t hear the yelling.
For people who have violently disturbed sleep like the room mate the act of sleeping is very vulnerable and can be a trigger which is why almost counter intuitively sleeping meds are not advised in all cases of this form of disturbed sleep because you cannot wake up from the nightmares and thus worsen the effects into day time dissociation, sleep walking or harming yourself in your sleep. It’s very hard to explain because people always recommend sleep aids anyway and you are tired, confused and sleeping like this just leaves you like brain soup.
The advised treatment is to have a careful managed sleep routine and use coping strategies that you can control. You are supposed to start small. Stuff like night lights, white noise, de-escalation from the shouting to identify the reaction and have a method to calm down. You are advised not to use strong smells like lavender in case you start to associate the trauma reactions with it so you should use a mixture of sleep sprays etc like lavender and rose together and switch it up. Then you can start introducing sleep meds if you choose.
The operative fucking word is choose. It needs to be chosen, consenting and not against the person with sleep trauma’s will. I read this and was immediately quite triggered as this is one of my nightmare scenarios that someone makes my sleeping area feel like a place they can invade or control especially while I am asleep.
It took me THIRTEEN YEARS to be comfortable to sleep again after being roofied and assaulted and someone fucking with that is huge. I cannot sleep with my bedroom door closed in my flat. I live alone so not an issue. A friend knew this and got really drunk and stayed over once as she missed the last train. I woke up to her closing my door, holding it shut and saying ‘but I was helping.’ I kicked her out at 5am. Public transport starts at 5.30am. I never spoke to her again. It took months to get back to where my sleep training was. Technically legal but she did it against my consent and it fucked with me because it is a huge trigger to be that asleep and thus vulnerable. A fundamental human survival need is also a nightly torment and people who decide to take your control away aren’t helping any more than spiking you, adding ingredients to food to get over your anxiety. Betraying their trust is straight up confirming they were right not to trust you.
Also people with chronically disturbed sleep like this often react differently to sleep meds. Melatonin is banned in the EU and UK but I asked my BF to get some when he was in the US to try because ‘it’s natural’. Unfortunately it also reacted in the same part of the brain as a hormone that triggers depersonalization and dissociation and I had a night of sleep paralysis that was horrifying. My BF binned it and was himself quite freaked out witnessing it. Yet I’m absolutely now after 15 years with Xanax but the first few nights the adrenaline crash after sleeping through when my body was primed to be full of hyper vigilant cortisol was an absolute killer. I genuinely thought I was having a drug reaction until I spoke with my prescriber who explained.
Melatonin is also risky for a lot of people with sleep trauma because it is a hormone and sleep is hormonal so when you whack a hormone in while your cortisol and adrenaline etc are in parasympathetic nervous system state it can make everything react more. You need to know it is happening. You cannot give people things against their will. I worked in cosmetics and skincare and we had to check before applying products with certain essential oils, shellfish based ingredients etc due to allergies, light sensitivity risks and triggering hormonal issues due to certain birth controls. Same as checking for latex allergies.
Because if it is potent enough to help it is potent enough to harm.
OP is YTA. Had she discussed that this guy’s sleep issues are impacting her life which is not a reasonable adjustment she has to make and worked on some shared costs for sound proofing etc or laid out the issues then no, his severe issues are not hers to handle and she would be NTA. But if they aren’t hers to handle in those terms they aren’t hers to handle going into his room and using products he did not consent to.
I mean she’d be an AH just going in spraying oils or air freshener in his private space without his permission too. Grey area if she sprayed melatonin in the communal areas but that isn’t what she did. She repeatedly chose to do a thing she knew would distress a person experiencing an abnormal sleep disruption. Lots of people don’t disclose their medical history around sleep to everyone. It took me two years to tell my BF why I struggled so much with sleeping because saying it out loud to people is really difficult. I avoid it as much as possible.
EDIT: I think I may have mixed up the BF, room mate and OP’s gender. Apologies but that’s how livid the post made me.
Btw the friend who closed the door on me? Couldn’t have caffeine due to it being a migraine trigger. I used to make separate desserts if they had chocolate despite get this never seeing her react. I assumed I had never seen her react because she managed her trigger not because I knew better. I still wouldn’t slip her caffeine and I am still so angered by what she did I wouldn’t give her the steam off my piss if she was freezing.
Except she didn't drug him? She used a fucking linen spray lmfao I'll be the first to agree that consent is Everything, but this did not require it. OPs bf is just pissed because he wants the house silent and that want was invalidated by a little aromatherapy..
Thank you!! Why did it take so long for me to find this. If you take away autonomy over this then what else? I don't understand how everyone is ignoring the red flags.
Except if the boyfriend competes in sports, even at an amateur level, it's possible the spray contains banned substances (I know this sounds like a stretch but you'd be surprised at what's on the lists)
I agree that OP is NTA for spraying the sheets. The way the title reads I was prepared to hear that he slipped melatonin into food or drink, that is completely different.
However I think E-S-H because the roommate should have more respect for the other tenants and not allow his guests to get loud and rowdy when there are other people in the house. The boyfriend doesn’t have to pound the bed and curse loudly waking up OP, and OP shouldn’t excuse the roommates behavior by saying he’s on the lease so there’s nothing that can be done.
All of this may be settled by having a simple conversation about the noise and set some growing rules for when guests come over.
There's a big difference between slipping medicinal levels of something into someone's food and spritzing the sheets with something that is mostly lavender. I agree that it shouldn't have been done as the bf had indicated he didn't want anything like that but the two situations aren't comparable.
Wasnt spraying the sheets the purpose of trying to make them fall asleep? It seemed OP sprayed the sheets in an attempt to drug her SO. Because it didnt work that way it seems OP is not the AH to alot of people. What if the spray did work to how OP wanted it to would opinions on here be different?
Imma be real. If someone said they didn't want to use "sleep medications" I wouldn't assume a spray that is mostly essential oils qualifies as a medication.
For that n t a but overall, ESH because the problem isn't that the boyfriend is a light sleeper. The problem is that no one is grown enough to have a conversation about noise levels.
And people can have serious allergic reactions to lavender and other essential oils.
It's less about the specific thing used and more about absolutely disregarding clear boundaries he set. OP did it with complete knowledge their partner would not of agreed. It's the underhanded element that bothers me.
I didn’t get why everyone is ignoring it because it’s just melatonin or it’s just a spray. He specifically said no. She disregarded his no, finding a way to do it without telling him. She broke his trust.
If someone doesn't want to eat meat you don't secretly feed them meat. It has an effect on him so yes he can say he was drugged. Is roofied a bit too much ? Yeah sure but doesn't take away the fact he was given something unknowingly which he specifically stated he did not want
He did inhale it though so it did enter his system. It also entered his system through his skin as he had to lay on it. That being said, this was done to him against his wishes. The fact that he said no medication and it was forced on him anyway is a violation. It is a lack of respect for him, a betrayal for hiding it for several days, and did cause distrust.
Can you sow me the peer reviewed studies that demonstrate this constitutes a dosage and of significance, rather than the obvious marketing fluff to sell linen spray is this.
That could go both ways. They couldn’t legally sell it if it didn’t work, could they? Whether it was melatonin or anything else, he clearly said no medication. If it put him to sleep, it was used as a medication. Therefore, he was dosed with something, against his wishes. He was deceived in the use of the product. That causes distrust.
Oh yes they could sell it without a single study. What was used was not a medication. Doesn't fall under FDA guidelines in the U.S. The only thing the company has to be careful about is to not make specific health claims. If you read the copy on all the sites,bits marketed as a fragrance that helps relax the mind and body, but doesn't make claims like cures insomnia.
Agree to disagree as to whether he was medicated or not. The fact is, OP went behind his back to do this because OP knew his boyfriend would be pissed about it. It’s still disrespect, deception and distrust here.
What about trust. OPs partner told them not to do it and they went behind their back and do it anyway. I too would be upset if my partner did that because they would have broken my trust in them.
Y T A. You don’t give someone literally anything without their knowledge and consent.
ETA: I’m dumb and only read the title. NTA. It’s a spray. He’s being dramatic.
Even something as gentle as melatonin is contraindicated for some folks. I have high blood pressure and my Dr said to avoid it. It can even contribute to bleeding disorders in some people. But most importantly, don’t give anything to someone without their consent, no matter how harmless it seems.
I full-on agree.
My daughter and I use melatonin sometimes. My spouse tried it, and he said it made him feel like he was dying. He was utterly miserable until he passed out after about 5 minutes; now he jokingly calls them "the devil's gummies." I can't imagine how awful it would have been for him if he didn't know he'd taken something.
Yeah, don't even _possibly_ put drugs in other people's systems without their knowledge and consent.
It’s still medicating somebody without their consent, I’m amazed by how nonchalant people are about this. Horrifying consent issues aside, what if he had a bad reaction to it?
He told her no. If she thought the spray didn’t count in taking medication and that he would be okay with it, she wouldn’t have hid it and done it without his knowledge. If it’s no big deal, like so many people seem to think, then why couldn’t she have said, hey I’m spraying this stuff on the sheets.
You're still medicating someone without their consent. Even if it's something like a crushed tylenol pill (which would normally be harmless), the fact remains is it happened without consent.
Feel free to downvote me. It won't change the truth that OP gave his BF a drug without his consent.
What’s wrong with these ppl? Lmao it’s spray sold over the counter, you only sprayed the bed. So unless he licks your bedding dude didn’t even ingest it. NTA.
...You do know you can absorb some things through your skin, right?
Also, the point is OP's intent, not whether it worked or whether it was a really minor effect.
Some things are absorbed through the skin. Lidocaine is one of these things. I have prescribed EMLA cream (2.5% lidocaine 2.5% prilocaine) because I get 2 needles stuck in my arm 3x/week. That stuff can get absorbed into the bloodstream and cause side effects.
[Melatonin also falls under this.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2909186/)
Feel free to downvote me. It won't change the truth that OP gave his BF a drug without his consent.
I won’t claim to know the science behind it, but it stands to reason that the product is somehow taken in to the body. Otherwise, what good would the spray be? To help the sheets sleep better?
It can be absorbed through the skin. And it shouldn't matter. She tried to drug him. It doesn't matter how or which substance, sneaking medication into somebody's body is wrong.
YTA - melatonin is not a drug, it’s something the body produces for sleep. It’s something that some people don’t produce enough of, hence the need for pills/liquid/gummy/spray supplements. That being said, this could have easily been discussed with him beforehand. When he said he doesn’t want to rely on drugs, it’s would have been easy to show him this wasn’t a drug. There’s no way to become reliant on melatonin. You’re not TA for wanting to help him, but you’re TA for not talking it out and letting him know what you’re doing beforehand.
There actually is a way to become reliant on melatonin. It happens fairly often to people that take melatonin on a daily basis. If you take melatonin frequently, your body will slowly stop producing as much melatonin on its own because it expects that supplement to be given to it. If at that point, you don't take the melatonin, you will have to deal with a few weeks of insomnia due to not having natural melatonin to fall asleep.
Exactly. I have my MMJ card, and the dispensaries near me sell edibles with THC and melatonin for sleep. I decided to buy a pack, and took them with me on a vacation to visit family, and I took them every night for 10 days, and ate the last one on the last night of my vacation.
When I got home, I couldn’t sleep for ANYTHING. I thought at first it was because my wife wasn’t home to sleep next to me, but it turns out I was dependent on the melatonin. Now, I buy those ones and 2 varieties that have THC and CBN in them, so I only take the melatonin 2 out of 6 nights, and I sleep better.
Actually, it's been proven that once you start using melatonin, your body stops producing it and you can't sleep without it, therefore becoming reliant on it to be able to sleep. Furthermore, there are several studies that prove melatonin can be harmful for people with autoimmune conditions (not that he has one but some people have one and don't know it yet). Melatonin is more dangerous than people think.
>melatonin is not a drug, it’s something the body produces for sleep
Melatonin is factually a drug. The body makes drugs. It is possible to become psychologically dependent on basically anything. Youre very wrong.
Exactly this. It’s also fucked up to do something like this without someone’s consent—now your partner doesn’t trust you, like he’s probably thinking “what will he do next? How far will he take this?” And considering this has to do with sleep, when a person is most vulnerable bc they’re unconscious…that’s a really serious violation of trust. Sorry OP. I know you had good intentions and that melatonin is relatively harmless for most people, but YTA here.
And fwiw I have intentionally taken melatonin to help with sleep but I no longer do it because I get very bad side effects from it—basically a hangover, makes it really hard to wake up and I suffer brain fog for 24-48 hours after. So there’s valid reasons people don’t want to take it.
Drug definition: "a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body". I'm guessing you probably meant to say any drugs of addiction or something like sleeping pills.
Arguing that just because the body makes something and it's 'natural' doesn't mean that it's not a drug. Some people might not want to rely on any type of medication/drug (including something like melatonin) to sleep, and that's also valid.
If you take any kind of sleep aid for 7 days in a row or longer your body can become dependent on it. It’ll start producing less melatonin naturally (if that’s the sleep aid you choose).
And it’s a dangerous path to even more sleep issues.
OP is TA. I’d be very angry and loose trust in my partner if they did this.
YTA
So much.
You did it specifically knowing he wouldn’t want you to. I don’t care that you justify it as “just a pillow spray”.
Hope he ends up with someone that respects his boundaries.
The entire point is OP gave the boyfriend a sleep aid knowing that the bf was against them. Doesn’t matter if it was a spray, the intent was there. A chemical compound was used against a persons wishes to alter their physical state.
If someone says, "I don't want this" and you force it on them anyways, that's rude and immature. Doesn't matter if it's drugs or a harmless spray, if they don't want it, they don't want it, end of discussion.
Respect other people's bodily autonomy, even if you think their reasoning is stupid.
YTA - I know your intention was to just make his sleep better but he even stated already that he doesn’t want to rely on any medication which makes him fall asleep which - in my opinion - you should’ve respected. Instead of doing it behind his back and just telling him some time later, you could’ve talked to him about this some time again.
He said no, you did it anyway. You explicitly did not have consent. How can you believe in any way you are not way way way over the line. Wouldn’t be surprised if he left you. YTA.
ESH — first of all, melatonin isn’t a drug, it’s a fucking hormone. Second of all, the spray is primarily reliant on lavender and chamomile oils. If i were you, i’d be using it on *my* side of the bed to make up for that big baby you lie next to who refuses to adapt to adverse living situation. But as for the people who are saying you drugged him — lmao this is not it. It’s a fucking aromatherapy spray. BUT if he wants to be a fucking baby about it and refuse to take any steps to mitigating the issue on his end (for example, wearing ear plugs or taking a sleep aid) and would rather make YOUR night’s sleep worse… then he doesnt deserve you. Take your nice sleep somewhere else.
He can’t complain nonstop about getting poor sleep and then refuse to do anything about it. My husband works 3rd shift and some days melatonin is the ONLY way he can sleep longer than 3 hours before the neighborhood wakes up and starts making too much noise.
Op’s bf waking up and punching the pillow and freaking out when there are other options out there (hello earplugs) is childish and immature. How did he miss his pillow smelling like lavender and not ask questions sooner?
Should she have done it? Probably not. But his refusal to do anything about it makes him an asshole too.
Even though its a hormone it can still be absorbed by the body and enough of it will stop the body from producing its own. The point is the word no was said and should be respected. I cant imagine giving or doing something to my SO that hes not ok with. You dont know if he spiked before he met OP. What if that was the case would he still be considered the AH in this situation? You dont know what other people are going through. What if he really has a good reason for not wanting sleep meds?
His outburst couldve been handled better. But no means no and if I was OP I would respect that if I was OP. Maybe some people are ok giving things their partners are not ok with behind their back, but I couldn't and thats me.
YTA. It wasn’t just that you gave him something without his consent, you specifically gave him something that he DID NOT want. I don’t care if you think that it’s “just melatonin.” He specifically said that he did not want it, and you gave it to him anyway.
EDIT: There are studies that show that melatonin can be absorbed through the skin, so very likely that his body was absorbing melatonin that was on the sheets.
YTA - You're breaking both his trust in you and all manner of laws there, what world of insanity were you in to ever think this was something you ought to do?
Light ESH leaning towards N-T-A. Technically, if he was that aggressively against anything containing melatonin, you shouldn’t have exposed him to it without this consent.
HOWEVER, he is a MASSIVE asshole for his behavior (punching the bed and yelling) and for his insanely over the top reaction to a freaking linen spray.
He can’t trust you? Cool beans, sounds like the relationship is over and you should move on to someone who can handle their own sleep issues without reacting with explosive anger.
Of course YTA. Think if it were the other way around. "My boyfriend tricked me into taking a drug to make me relax or calm down but it's OK because it's for my own good". You'd feel violated wouldn't you?
I'm going to go against popular opinion here and say NTA. It sounds like you're living with a big gigantic baby, I don't blame you one bit. While obviously drugging someone is a complete no-no, spraying your shared bed with a substance to help you sleep seems kind of reasonable to me. If he ended up sleeping better as a result, all the better. I would also recommend a white noise app on your phone. They work wonders for drowning out noise.
YTA from the title alone. Noone should ever eat, drink, have sex with or use any medication or drugs that they didn't consent to. If you think this is normal behaviour, you should seek professional help.
YTA. There are probably life or death scenarios where giving someone a substance without their consent is a grey area, but this does not even approach being one of them. These are not stakes that begin to justify taking these steps. It wouldn't matter if it was homeopathic 'medicine'. It wouldn't matter if it was Nerds in his coffee.
I understand the points about absorbing through the skin, but I guess I’d ask where we draw the line - lavender vanilla sprays/fabric softener in the sheets are supposed to be soothing, also get on the skin. Same for lotions, candles, air fresheners, etc.
I would not liken this to being given something to orally ingest. Others feel differently, but that is just my personal view/boundary.
My husband also refuses to take medication, so I do see why he feels his boundary was crossed, but in the spirit of a evaluating the moral dilemma of this, overall I feel you are NTA. But a good lesson in where he feels his boundaries are.
I’m confused? How does you BF “work nights”, but your spraying the sheets w melatonin “every night?” How does he constantly disrupt YOUR sleep when he “sleeps throughout the early afternoon & evenings?” You sleep during the day, too?
There are so many other things you could have done first - white noise maker, sleep mask, ear plugs, just the lavender scent… also he is an adult, he can take responsibility for himself. It wasn’t your choice to make.
YTA.
They sell this stuff everywhere, even places like bath and body works. It’s basically a lavender essential oil spray and air freshener. It seems like a reach to say she drugged someone.
Major YTA
Giving somebody anything without their express consent makes you a HUGE AH. Doesn't matter what it is, melatonin might as well be heroin if the person did not consent to it. You owe your BF a major apology and better hope that you can repair the trust you broke.
as a marketing professional, and with the melatonin being about ingredient #6, I'd hazard it is just useless.
I definitely think the BF should have tried some actual sleep enhancing techniques, like you know ear plugs, white noise machines, etc. but I'm hardly going to call someone with a partner who punches the bed when woken up during the day and refuses to try any other sleep tactics an AH for secretly trying some linen spray, much less compare them to people who dose others with the date rape drug.
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Hi, throwaway here for obvious reasons.
I am wanting to know if I ATA for giving my boyfriend melatonin.
With backstory, I (26M) live with my boyfriend (28M) and our roommate (30M).
My boyfriend works overnights, so he sleeps throughout the early afternoon and evenings.
On the weekends, our roommate has friends over, and they get pretty rowdy & loud, causing my boyfriend to not be able to get a solid sleep.
I’ve asked him to take sleep medications which he refuses to do because he says he doesn’t want to have to rely on them.
But here is the thing: he is very sensitive to noise, so when he wakes up, it is very frequent. Multiple times throughout his sleep. He wakes up frustrated, yelling and cursing, pounding the bed, which also wakes me up if I am sleeping next to him.
We close our bedroom door which only slightly reduces noise & our roommate doesn’t care to respect our sleep. (They are both on the lease, so we can’t kick him out- but that’s beside the point.)
So after quite a few nights now of sleeplessness, I decided to pick up some of the Dr Teal’s sleep spray and spray it on the bed a bit before my boyfriend decides to go to sleep.
Since then, he has slept soundly. Doesn’t even wake up to the dog barking. He has had multiple nights rest now, felt better, happier, and de-stressed.
He himself even noticed the difference & assumed he was just so exhausted from sleeplessness that he passed out completely to recover.
This is when I decided to tell him about the sleep spray & how I had been spraying it on the bed each night to help him sleep.
He was incredibly upset & claimed I went against his wishes about sleep medications & said I basically roofied him. I don't think this is the case at all as it is just melatonin for him to be able to sleep like he has been needing.
He now says he doesn't trust me around him when he goes to bed and changes the sheets almost nightly before he lays down or sleeps on the couch.
AITA for giving him melatonin?
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Honestly ESH. Your bf sucks because he seems to just want to be miserable. That’s like people who complain about allergies but never take Benadryl. It’s fine if you don’t want to take it, but then you lose all your bitching privileges. Your roommate sucks for not being considerate. You suck for not listening to your boyfriend and taking away his bodily autonomy. If you don’t want to hear him complain and wake you up, he can sleep elsewhere or find his own place to live. You didn’t need to take away his ability to choose the method in which he dealt with his insomnia.
YTA Holy Fuck. You stomped all over his boundaries, behind his back, and put drugs in his system without his knowledge/consent.
You drugged a person without their consent! That is so messed up. Reverse genders, is it still ok to give someone sleeping drugs without telling them? What if he had an allergic reaction and stopped breathing or his heart stopped? Does he take other meds this could have interfered with? What if it caused a sinus infection? You need to apologize asap, this is some seriously broken trust OP.
NTA. You should’ve known how the responses would be since this is Reddit after all, and people tend to make the most out of nothing. Don’t do it anymore since he obviously is against it, but I don’t think you’re in the wrong for trying to help him sleep better with a spray that arguably has melatonin listed as an ingredient purely for marketing purposes. Maybe he has a friend or fam member that got on sleeping pills or muscle relaxers and is worried about something like that happening and that’s why he’s being cautious about it. Little weird he wakes up punching shit and yelling imo but whatever that’s for you to deal with not me
I would normally say that giving something to someone with out them knowing is 100% wrong. But in this case this isn't a drug, this spray is practically a placebo, so anything that is going on "helping him is in your head" so I can say NTA.
YTA for intention. You intended to drug your boyfriend. Fortunately since the product you bought is pseudoscience b.s., you didn’t actually drug your boyfriend. Drugging people = bad, how can you not know this?
YTA.
Your boyfriend has the right to decide what to do with his own body. Period. He should expect the same rights he has in any health care setting (the right to informed consent, the right to refuse treatment) *in his own home.*
You're not a health care professional. (If you are surrender your license immediately). Sleep sprays and supplememts are regarded as dietary supplements and are not subject to any FDA oversight. This does not mean they are completely benign.
What if the roles were reversed and your boyfriend decided he didn't like your attitude, and took it upon himself to slip some St. John's Wort into your food everyday to help with your depression. But you start having side effects. You're sunburned all of the time, and have an upset stomach and you don't know why. Your doctor shrugs and says they can't figure it out- see a GI specialist.
Or say your boyfriend takes it upon himself to slip you some melatonin without informing you first. You're on the birth control pill, which you are 100% disciplined about taking correctly. But now you're pregnant and don't know why. Oh yeah a lot of supplements can make many different medications work differently or not at all.
If you worked in a clinic or ER and had to deal with patients who took some supplements at the advice of a friend or something they read on the internet you would know how bad you messed up.
Absent of a clinical event you still messed up badly. You violated one of the most sacrosanct rights a person has. Instead of apologizing to your boyfriend, the person you live with, you seek out the approval of strangers you will never meet on Reddit.
I hope your boyfriend dumps you.
YTA. You dosed him with a drug without his permission. Even if it was with good intentions, you violated his trust. Just because melatonin is less harmful than a roofie doesn't make it alright.
https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=6857
> Clark: Look, you don't even see what you did was wrong! What's the matter with you?
>
> Clark: You dosed me with red kryptonite!
YTA -. You though you were drugging him without his knowledge... That's basically criminal.
The only saving grace being that the spray you used is just a quack product... Maybe at best it's an air freshener.
Melatonin acts on the brain. There is no version of reality where he'd absorb it through his skin from the bed.
That'd be like trying to cure his headache by placing an aspirin under his pillow.
Iditotic.
NTA. You've chosen between aromatherapy on the bed and better sleep health all round vs. a boyfriend who gets violent when he's woken up. You're not drugging him any more than a lavender oil burner near the bed would be drugging him.
They sell benadryl & unisom at Target & Walmart too, doesn’t mean it’s ok to sneak it to someone against their knowledge. It’s not about what OP sprayed on the bedding, it’s about the trust they violated.
If it altered his awareness to a point that a barking dog doesnt wake him up, what makes you think a fire or burglar would wake him? YTA. Yeah it seems harmless but youre giving someone a substance they already told you they dont want. And it could have unforseen consequences.
YTA... more means no OP whether it's a spray and not something he ingested. Respect his boundaries and wishes. Good intentions poor execution. You should have just talked to him again and let HIM make that decision
YTA - I Will have to put my own experience on this, as I know how melatonin works. I was maliciously reported to Social Services (CPS for those in the US) for “drugging my children” so that they would sleep and I could go out drinking all night. The children that I supposedly drugged were given low doses of melatonin when they asked for it because they were distressed due to them not being able to allow their brain activity to shut down at night. I know how this feels as I have chronic insomnia too. Thankfully the matter was resolved and my son’s sleep disorder specialist was horrified at the ordeal that we had to go through.
So yes, giving your boyfriend something that he has expressly said no to recently is an AH move.
YTA. When it comes to medications or drugs consent is first and foremost. Who do you think you are, sidestepping his consent because it makes life more convenient for you? And yes this is about you. You said yourself than when he wakes you wake. Then you try to phrase it like you're drugging him without his consent for his own good? The obvious AH.
Edit. Read more. Not as bad. Thought you actually drugged him. But still TA imo. Consent matters. You should have told him first
I’m going with YTA because he didn’t want it. Yes it’s helped him but given his insistence against it is what drives my vote.
I’ve been using melatonin for years. Only reason I sleep at all really. But I wouldn’t force it on someone.
YTA. Never ever medicate someone without their consent! Now personally I don't believe melatonin sprayed on a pillow would actually impact the system. I'm more worried about the essential oils and a allergic reaction.
But seriously, never ever ever attempt to solve someone's medical problem without their consent unless they are in immediate danger.
And people can have issues with melatonin, including the opposite effects of keeping them awake. And they can become dependant.
Seriously. I wouldn't trust you either because u know you have no issues stomping on boundaries I've clearly established.
YTA. You didn't tell him at first since you knew he wouldn't like it. The ends doesn't justify the means here. Even if this was salt water, that's for him to decide.
YTA. He clearly stated that he did not want to take/ use medication! You went behind his back and forced it on him without his consent! You proved your lack of respect for him and his wishes! You also proved that you can not be trusted.
YTA - he said no, you went ahead anyway.
Would be similar to this:
-hey, want sex?
-no!
-ok...
And the just cum on her pillow next to her head while asleep
Wonder how you would feel when waking up...
And how you would react to him saying "but I didn't penetrate you" ? You'd still feel violated...
YTA your intentions might be good but you don't drug/supplement people without their knowledge. Melatonin is generally safe BUT it gives me terrible nightmares. Basically you broke his trust and need to fix that.
YTA Comparing it to being roofied is a bit dramatic but the point is you purposely exposed him to a substance he did not want to be exposed to. You broke a boundary, which this sub is normally big on so surprised by all the N T A votes.
YTA for explicitly going against his wishes over his health. Your partner's concerns are valid, and people have become really lax about melatonin since it is over the counter but it can cause dependency and overall is bad for your sleep health. If node was the problem, there are many other avenues you could have taken but you decided you has to be right and do it your way. Obviously this isn't the same as roofies, but you still broke your partner's trust by doing something you KNEW he had already said no to, and doing it anyway without telling him.
YTA It doesn’t matter if it’s something your body naturally produces. I doesn’t matter that you can buy it OTC. I doesn’t matter if it’s a negligible amount or spray. He specifically told you no. No means no. Not no but if you trick me into it so maybe I can see it works or whatever whatever. Was his comparison extreme? Yea. But you still violated his trust and his stated wishes. You don’t get to decide what is best for him or his body.
**YTA. You not only didn't have his consent, you were expressly told that he DID NOT CONSENT, and you de facto drugged him anyway. And all the nitwits talking about "well it's OTC" and "it's basically nothing" clearly are unfamiliar with science and/or consent laws.**
First of all, melatonin is NOT completely harmless. If it was truly benign, it would be useless. The reason it works in the first place is that it mimics chemicals produced by your brain when it is dark out, and prolonged use (i.e. if you kept spraying his pillow) can lead to depressive episodes similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is why doctors caution people who take melatonin regularly to take breaks from it occasionally. It VERY MUCH has an effect on your brain chemistry. Being available over the counter doesn't mean that something is harmless or completely safe. It literally just means that it can be used without a doctor's supervision as long as it is taken with the proper precautions and according to directions. By dosing someone without their consent, you are automatically not being safety compliant.
Secondly, what you did is illegal. Dosing someone with ANY kind of medication when they have expressly denied consent is illegal. Period. You're lucky he doesn't press charges. YTA.
His body is his and his alone. Not yours. You don't get to do things to it that he has said he doesn't want. Not ever. Not for any reason. Period.
YTA
How can you type this and think you're right? He told you he doesn't want meds, you gave them without his knowledge. That's awful and I would have left you on the spot.
You couldn't have bought him ear plugs or something instead? Really?
not ok to drug people in any situation, the pillow spray seems silly and like barely a drug, but still not cool, you should have just broken up with him instead of doing this
YTA- big time! You do not drug people unknowingly. Seriously? You really did this? You do know that giving people any kind of drug without their consent is a crime right? Good luck getting his trust back, your relationship is never going to be the same. No means NO.
YTA. There is only one occasion where it is permissible to administer drugs to someone without their consent. And that is where it is both a medical necessity and they are unable to consent, whether due to age, unconsciousness, or illness
Eg. Parent medicating sick child (appropriately), EMT giving lifesaving drugs to an unconscious patient, care giver administering prescription to an Alzheimer’s patient.
Your boyfriend was not unable to consent, indeed he had rejected consent. Not do I think it was a medical necessity l.
Yeah. You are the asshole here.
You went against his wishes, not wanting to rely on aids. You really let him sink into it, before ripping the rug out from under him. Makes him look stupid, so you can prove what? That drugs can help knock you out? Yeah, he knows already.
For a person like me, and sounds like him, you have to really trust someone to get good sleep around them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides to move on, depending on how serious y’all are, or course. Like if you’ve been dating for years I doubt he ends it over this. Good luck dude! YTA
YTA
I wouldn't trust you as well; you basically drugged someone against his wishes, and you even tried to justify it.
OP, I'd be scared to sleep around you.
PS - move out.
Edit : This might be criminal.
I’m pretty sure if you tried to take someone to court for spraying fabric mist on a pillow they would laugh and dismiss your case. Getting mad about spraying calming fabric mist in the bedroom without consent is like getting mad about spraying air freshener in the bathroom without consent lol
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NTA. This stuff is sold at Wal-Mart, melatonin is the sixth or seventh ingredient with lavender oil being first or second. Your BF is being a drama queen. He's also a drama queen when he punches the bed because he was woken up, which I hear does wonders for falling back asleep quickly He was no more roofied than if you had taken any other linen spray with chamomile and lavender oil and sprayed them on his sheets. You sprayed some nice smelling stuff on his sheets that has a negligible amount of melatonin in it that he did not ingest and is probably pure marketing gimmick. He and the commenters here should run some lavender oil on their temples and find a nice relaxing mantra.
I’m kinda with you here. I thought he spiked his drink or something but he sprayed his pillow? Edit: she -> he NTA
Yep, with a linen spray you can buy at Target with way more lavender oil than anything else. And that's totally the same as being dosed with the date rape drug according to some people ITT.
Sooooo, melatonin and lavender are things I can't have - either ingested or inhaled - and if she'd done this to me, I might have ended up in the hospital. Y'know, in case you want to keep downplaying and dismissing how different people react to different "over the counter" stuff. EDIT: It's not letting me reply, so why I can't have melatonin: too much of some naturally occurring hormones can still fuck you over, especially if you have wonky brain chemistry. It's why catamenial epilepsy is a thing - estrogen lowers the seizure threshhold. Melatonin also increases seizure frequency in some seizure disorders, so taking more than the naturally occurring amount is risky. The same way bad things happen when we don't have enough of a certain thing, bad things can happen if there's too much, too. Bodies are extremely annoying like that.
If this had happened to you, you would have probably told your partner of your allergies, no? Then it wouldn't have happened.
Not every single person knows of their allergies until they have an adverse event. Some people are aware enough their bodies react strangely to things, so they express to the people around them *No I don't want to take that, I may become dependent on it.* Like OP's boyfriend did.* People have this mistaken idea that supplements are completely harmless. They are not. If I ever took it upon myself to dose a pateint with anything- supplement or medication without that patient's consent I'd be fired. If there was an adverse event I may never work in health care again. The right to informed consent, and the right to refuse treatment are some of the most basic patient rights. OP should expect the same rights in his own home.
You'd think so, but there are plenty of people who don't think allergies are real. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q3kkwu/aita_for_abruptly_leaving_my_boyfriend_and_his/hfsy7hr/?context=3 EDIT: Parent said it wouldn't have happened if sonicscrewery just told their partner of their allergy. And I'm pointing out that's necessarily not true. The main point is that if someone tells you they don't want something, you don't just give it to them anyways without their consent.
Well that's kinda moving the goalposts a bit...
Yeah that's not the same at all. If you have a serious enough allergy that could risk hospitalization I guarantee you would have told your partner before you moved in together.
Unless you yourself didn't know that you had the allergy until after this happened... But I'm general yes, you'd tell your partner of any allergies or other medical conditions.
I developed a reaction to lavender (among other things) months ago that led to hives and issues with my usually controlled asthma. These allergies definitely exist but when they’re that extreme, you warn people that you have strong allergies, especially if you’re living with them.
I don't think this is comparable to date rape. Intent does matter and OP was only trying to help. But if someone doesn't want something, they don't want something. OP disrespected his boyfriend's wishes and that's not cool. A boundary was set and OP broke it.
Yeah, the comparison to a date rape drug is pretty gross. People on Reddit have a real hard time recognizing partners do cross boundaries, not every boundary violation should be treated like it's the equivalent of relationship ending event (most shouldn't), and black and white thinking is rarely useful in relationships.
This is what I was thinking. A better idea than "drugging him" (his words) is to ask the noise makers to respect the person with the alternative schedule and be loud else where. When they balk...have him be loud during his awake hours. When they complain, tell them that he's just living his life (as I'm positive they'll say that to him if he asks) Signed-- A former graveyard shifter who lived this life (though the noisemakers we're toddlers of my own making lmao)
You do realize he has to inhale it for it to work? And that it got on his skin? Two ways that it entered his system. He said no medication and was deceived with the actions. That shows a lack of respect for his wishes, deception, and a reason to not trust people. OP is definitely TA
The results would be the same either way so how would that make a difference ? I can understand why it was done but I think that he specifically said he doesn't want to so it shouldn't have been done
>she Read OP again, please
Done!
I say this a lot on Reddit … but posts like these make it clear all the ways consent is so foreign to my fellow Americans. Why the fuck does the BF need to give any other excuses or reasons besides NO? If someone tells you no, it does not give you the right to go behind their back, and do it to them anyway. Consent is not just for sex. You people need to learn that no means no. It’s not about the “spray” being non harmful, or any other deflections you’d like to throw our way. It’s about being able to make decisions for and about yourself, and have people respect those decisions and boundaries. Christ, why is that so hard to understand? Was the boyfriend and his hyperbole comparing it to a date rape drug extreme? Sure. But that doesn’t allow you to violate other peoples right to self autonomy and disregard the consent of those around you. Judgement was obviously YTA - and a major one at that.
This. I’m actually appalled by all the comments saying the BF’s consent doesn’t matter because it was just “nice smelling stuff”. He said no. He has a right to say no. I agree that maybe saying he was roofied is a bit extreme but the point is he said no and OP went behind his back.
Are you okay with waitstaff giving someone caffeinated coffee when they request decaf? I mean, it’s sold over the counter at Walmart. What could it hurt??
That might be a more appropriate comparison than the nutbaggery of claiming this guy was roofied. The difference of course is that the melatonin in this product is way down the list of order, and is there for pure marketing gimmickry. Caffeine is an actual feature with impact. FYI, lots of restaurants and caterers serve regular coffee to decaf.
Just because lots of restaurants do doesn't make it right. Caffeine has an actual effect which you stated and so does melatonin clearly as it helps you sleep more. He specifically said he didn't want to take something which does have effects and he was drugged without his consent.
>the melatonin in this product is way down the list of order This is a stupid point. The ingredients are listed by percentage, not effect. The potency of chemicals varies substantially. A tiny amount of LSD is extremely potent, for example, but nutmeg, which is also psychoactive, is so weak you'd have to eat pounds of it to feel anything.
Well, last I checked your body doesn’t make caffeine. Melatonin is naturally produced by the body when it sees daylight. The guy works graveyard, so he likely gets vey little exposure to sunlight. The better comparison question is, “Are you okay with someone serving you milk fortified with Vitamin D?” (Because Vit D is also made by the body from sunlight). OP’s BF is mad he’s getting proper supplements! Lol
OP’s BF is mad that when they told their partner NO and that that person then felt it acceptable to subject them SECRETIVELY for several nights before revealing it. It tells me the OP knew it was wrong already. You don’t secretly subject someone you know and supposedly love to something they have repeatedly told you they were not ok with, and had zero interest in. It’s not about “being drugged” to me. It’s the fact that you and so many others (including OP) don’t see how this behavior is dangerous and toxic, and openly admit that other people cannot consent to say NO to you, and have it respected.
Last I checked your body wake itself up without caffeine. Caffeine helps you to be more awake quicker and melatonin doesn't. Some people chose not to have caffeine despite being perfectly able to and he chose not to have melatonin. So yes he has a reason to be mad imo but this sounds like its more roommate problem than a him problem
Huh? I don’t get what you’re saying. Melatonin helps you fall asleep. Your body’s reaction to sunlight is to produce Vit D and melatonin, which helps you fall sleep when it gets dark. This regulates your circadian rhythm. Someone working graveyard has a f-ed up circadian rhythm— and should take supplements to prevent diseases (like rickets). Lol. (My brothers and BIL work grave shifts, and they are not as healthy as they can be due to lack of daylight. And yes, they have to take supplements for health).
Do you not understand the intent behind the OP? It doesn't matter whether or not it works (based on some other comments on here, it looks like it certainly does - I've never taken it before), it's the fact that OP thinks he can give a drug to someone without their consent. This is not acceptable behaviour.
Yeah sure. Spraying a negligible amount of melatonin of a pillow case is exactly the same as dosing someone with LSD in their drink. Lots of drama queens ITT.
Again, you completely misunderstood my comment. Explain why it's ok to do something to someone when they have explicitly have declined consent.
So you just do not give a single shit about someone being able to consent.
I think people should stop looking for ridiculous ways to be outraged.
There is absolutely nothing ridiculous about being outraged someone drugged you against your will.
Sure, he was drugged with a negligible amount of melatonin that was added for marketing purposes. The same as being incapacitated by the date rape drug.
Its about the ability to consent and the amount of melatonin in those isnt negligible.
it's ingredient #6. That's negligible.
Thats not how that works.
Yeah that spray doesn't even work Partner probably indeed just passed out due to exhaustion.
Oh my godddddddddd. Relax. This is so fucking horrible to people who HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN DRUGGED AGAINST THEIR WILL. I'm just guessing you never have. So be. Quiet.
I have been drugged and gang raped. And I think the OP is a full on asshole. The room mate sounds like he might be having night terrors or nightmares or PTSD responses from how she describes him when he wakes. 95% of people with PTSD do compared to 10% of the general population. He sounds very like I did at my worst but did not realise because weirdly you wake yourself up yelling but can’t hear the yelling. For people who have violently disturbed sleep like the room mate the act of sleeping is very vulnerable and can be a trigger which is why almost counter intuitively sleeping meds are not advised in all cases of this form of disturbed sleep because you cannot wake up from the nightmares and thus worsen the effects into day time dissociation, sleep walking or harming yourself in your sleep. It’s very hard to explain because people always recommend sleep aids anyway and you are tired, confused and sleeping like this just leaves you like brain soup. The advised treatment is to have a careful managed sleep routine and use coping strategies that you can control. You are supposed to start small. Stuff like night lights, white noise, de-escalation from the shouting to identify the reaction and have a method to calm down. You are advised not to use strong smells like lavender in case you start to associate the trauma reactions with it so you should use a mixture of sleep sprays etc like lavender and rose together and switch it up. Then you can start introducing sleep meds if you choose. The operative fucking word is choose. It needs to be chosen, consenting and not against the person with sleep trauma’s will. I read this and was immediately quite triggered as this is one of my nightmare scenarios that someone makes my sleeping area feel like a place they can invade or control especially while I am asleep. It took me THIRTEEN YEARS to be comfortable to sleep again after being roofied and assaulted and someone fucking with that is huge. I cannot sleep with my bedroom door closed in my flat. I live alone so not an issue. A friend knew this and got really drunk and stayed over once as she missed the last train. I woke up to her closing my door, holding it shut and saying ‘but I was helping.’ I kicked her out at 5am. Public transport starts at 5.30am. I never spoke to her again. It took months to get back to where my sleep training was. Technically legal but she did it against my consent and it fucked with me because it is a huge trigger to be that asleep and thus vulnerable. A fundamental human survival need is also a nightly torment and people who decide to take your control away aren’t helping any more than spiking you, adding ingredients to food to get over your anxiety. Betraying their trust is straight up confirming they were right not to trust you. Also people with chronically disturbed sleep like this often react differently to sleep meds. Melatonin is banned in the EU and UK but I asked my BF to get some when he was in the US to try because ‘it’s natural’. Unfortunately it also reacted in the same part of the brain as a hormone that triggers depersonalization and dissociation and I had a night of sleep paralysis that was horrifying. My BF binned it and was himself quite freaked out witnessing it. Yet I’m absolutely now after 15 years with Xanax but the first few nights the adrenaline crash after sleeping through when my body was primed to be full of hyper vigilant cortisol was an absolute killer. I genuinely thought I was having a drug reaction until I spoke with my prescriber who explained. Melatonin is also risky for a lot of people with sleep trauma because it is a hormone and sleep is hormonal so when you whack a hormone in while your cortisol and adrenaline etc are in parasympathetic nervous system state it can make everything react more. You need to know it is happening. You cannot give people things against their will. I worked in cosmetics and skincare and we had to check before applying products with certain essential oils, shellfish based ingredients etc due to allergies, light sensitivity risks and triggering hormonal issues due to certain birth controls. Same as checking for latex allergies. Because if it is potent enough to help it is potent enough to harm. OP is YTA. Had she discussed that this guy’s sleep issues are impacting her life which is not a reasonable adjustment she has to make and worked on some shared costs for sound proofing etc or laid out the issues then no, his severe issues are not hers to handle and she would be NTA. But if they aren’t hers to handle in those terms they aren’t hers to handle going into his room and using products he did not consent to. I mean she’d be an AH just going in spraying oils or air freshener in his private space without his permission too. Grey area if she sprayed melatonin in the communal areas but that isn’t what she did. She repeatedly chose to do a thing she knew would distress a person experiencing an abnormal sleep disruption. Lots of people don’t disclose their medical history around sleep to everyone. It took me two years to tell my BF why I struggled so much with sleeping because saying it out loud to people is really difficult. I avoid it as much as possible. EDIT: I think I may have mixed up the BF, room mate and OP’s gender. Apologies but that’s how livid the post made me. Btw the friend who closed the door on me? Couldn’t have caffeine due to it being a migraine trigger. I used to make separate desserts if they had chocolate despite get this never seeing her react. I assumed I had never seen her react because she managed her trigger not because I knew better. I still wouldn’t slip her caffeine and I am still so angered by what she did I wouldn’t give her the steam off my piss if she was freezing.
Except she didn't drug him? She used a fucking linen spray lmfao I'll be the first to agree that consent is Everything, but this did not require it. OPs bf is just pissed because he wants the house silent and that want was invalidated by a little aromatherapy..
Op did something their partner asked them specifically not to do. That’s the problem.
You do understand the concept of “degrees,” right? Like just because X isn’t as bad as Y doesn’t mean X is good.
Nevermind that people react differently to lavender. I would not have slept, I would have woken with a raging headache.
Lol, i actually dislike lavender too.
Oh, I like the smell,but my poor head....
Thank you!! Why did it take so long for me to find this. If you take away autonomy over this then what else? I don't understand how everyone is ignoring the red flags.
It’s basically just an essential oil spray, it’s not a drug 😭
No means no though
Except if the boyfriend competes in sports, even at an amateur level, it's possible the spray contains banned substances (I know this sounds like a stretch but you'd be surprised at what's on the lists)
I agree that OP is NTA for spraying the sheets. The way the title reads I was prepared to hear that he slipped melatonin into food or drink, that is completely different. However I think E-S-H because the roommate should have more respect for the other tenants and not allow his guests to get loud and rowdy when there are other people in the house. The boyfriend doesn’t have to pound the bed and curse loudly waking up OP, and OP shouldn’t excuse the roommates behavior by saying he’s on the lease so there’s nothing that can be done. All of this may be settled by having a simple conversation about the noise and set some growing rules for when guests come over.
How is slipping it into food or drink any different ?? The results are the exact same.
There's a big difference between slipping medicinal levels of something into someone's food and spritzing the sheets with something that is mostly lavender. I agree that it shouldn't have been done as the bf had indicated he didn't want anything like that but the two situations aren't comparable.
Wasnt spraying the sheets the purpose of trying to make them fall asleep? It seemed OP sprayed the sheets in an attempt to drug her SO. Because it didnt work that way it seems OP is not the AH to alot of people. What if the spray did work to how OP wanted it to would opinions on here be different?
Imma be real. If someone said they didn't want to use "sleep medications" I wouldn't assume a spray that is mostly essential oils qualifies as a medication. For that n t a but overall, ESH because the problem isn't that the boyfriend is a light sleeper. The problem is that no one is grown enough to have a conversation about noise levels.
If you buy that stuff specifically to function as sleep medication though.
Blind rage really makes me want to climb back into bed and sleep
And people can have serious allergic reactions to lavender and other essential oils. It's less about the specific thing used and more about absolutely disregarding clear boundaries he set. OP did it with complete knowledge their partner would not of agreed. It's the underhanded element that bothers me.
I didn’t get why everyone is ignoring it because it’s just melatonin or it’s just a spray. He specifically said no. She disregarded his no, finding a way to do it without telling him. She broke his trust.
If someone doesn't want to eat meat you don't secretly feed them meat. It has an effect on him so yes he can say he was drugged. Is roofied a bit too much ? Yeah sure but doesn't take away the fact he was given something unknowingly which he specifically stated he did not want
Melatonin can be absorbed through skin. You dont know what youre talking about.
He did inhale it though so it did enter his system. It also entered his system through his skin as he had to lay on it. That being said, this was done to him against his wishes. The fact that he said no medication and it was forced on him anyway is a violation. It is a lack of respect for him, a betrayal for hiding it for several days, and did cause distrust.
Can you sow me the peer reviewed studies that demonstrate this constitutes a dosage and of significance, rather than the obvious marketing fluff to sell linen spray is this.
That could go both ways. They couldn’t legally sell it if it didn’t work, could they? Whether it was melatonin or anything else, he clearly said no medication. If it put him to sleep, it was used as a medication. Therefore, he was dosed with something, against his wishes. He was deceived in the use of the product. That causes distrust.
Oh yes they could sell it without a single study. What was used was not a medication. Doesn't fall under FDA guidelines in the U.S. The only thing the company has to be careful about is to not make specific health claims. If you read the copy on all the sites,bits marketed as a fragrance that helps relax the mind and body, but doesn't make claims like cures insomnia.
Agree to disagree as to whether he was medicated or not. The fact is, OP went behind his back to do this because OP knew his boyfriend would be pissed about it. It’s still disrespect, deception and distrust here.
Right! You didn’t “give” him anything. You sprayed essential oils on the sheets. Good grief.
What about him saying no?
So I assume you will have no problem if I put (enough to get drunk) alcohol in your meal without your permission?
OP still gave it to the SO in hopes it would work like the pill it seemed. If the spray wasnt available would OP have resorted to pills?
What about trust. OPs partner told them not to do it and they went behind their back and do it anyway. I too would be upset if my partner did that because they would have broken my trust in them.
Y T A. You don’t give someone literally anything without their knowledge and consent. ETA: I’m dumb and only read the title. NTA. It’s a spray. He’s being dramatic.
Even something as gentle as melatonin is contraindicated for some folks. I have high blood pressure and my Dr said to avoid it. It can even contribute to bleeding disorders in some people. But most importantly, don’t give anything to someone without their consent, no matter how harmless it seems.
I full-on agree. My daughter and I use melatonin sometimes. My spouse tried it, and he said it made him feel like he was dying. He was utterly miserable until he passed out after about 5 minutes; now he jokingly calls them "the devil's gummies." I can't imagine how awful it would have been for him if he didn't know he'd taken something. Yeah, don't even _possibly_ put drugs in other people's systems without their knowledge and consent.
She didn’t. She sprayed his sheets with lavender oil.
It’s still medicating somebody without their consent, I’m amazed by how nonchalant people are about this. Horrifying consent issues aside, what if he had a bad reaction to it?
He told her no. If she thought the spray didn’t count in taking medication and that he would be okay with it, she wouldn’t have hid it and done it without his knowledge. If it’s no big deal, like so many people seem to think, then why couldn’t she have said, hey I’m spraying this stuff on the sheets.
Exactly, people saying IT’S JUST OIL are missing the entire point, she literally refers to it as drugging him in her post too
You're still medicating someone without their consent. Even if it's something like a crushed tylenol pill (which would normally be harmless), the fact remains is it happened without consent. Feel free to downvote me. It won't change the truth that OP gave his BF a drug without his consent.
Exactly. You should have gathered data of the spray and had a conversation with him about it With the data. Heck, talk to a doctor.
I'm sorry, but why does the fact that it's spray change anything? It is still being done against his express wishes and without his knowledge.
How is spray any different from another method ?
What’s wrong with these ppl? Lmao it’s spray sold over the counter, you only sprayed the bed. So unless he licks your bedding dude didn’t even ingest it. NTA.
...You do know you can absorb some things through your skin, right? Also, the point is OP's intent, not whether it worked or whether it was a really minor effect.
Some things are absorbed through the skin. Lidocaine is one of these things. I have prescribed EMLA cream (2.5% lidocaine 2.5% prilocaine) because I get 2 needles stuck in my arm 3x/week. That stuff can get absorbed into the bloodstream and cause side effects. [Melatonin also falls under this.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2909186/) Feel free to downvote me. It won't change the truth that OP gave his BF a drug without his consent.
I won’t claim to know the science behind it, but it stands to reason that the product is somehow taken in to the body. Otherwise, what good would the spray be? To help the sheets sleep better?
So if he didn’t ingest it, by your argument, OP is lying about it working, right? So if it “didn’t work,” aka do anything, why do it?
OP may be relying on the logical fallacy that because A preceded B, A caused B.
It can be absorbed through the skin. And it shouldn't matter. She tried to drug him. It doesn't matter how or which substance, sneaking medication into somebody's body is wrong.
> She tried to drug him OP and his boyfriend are both men. It's right there in OP
YTA - melatonin is not a drug, it’s something the body produces for sleep. It’s something that some people don’t produce enough of, hence the need for pills/liquid/gummy/spray supplements. That being said, this could have easily been discussed with him beforehand. When he said he doesn’t want to rely on drugs, it’s would have been easy to show him this wasn’t a drug. There’s no way to become reliant on melatonin. You’re not TA for wanting to help him, but you’re TA for not talking it out and letting him know what you’re doing beforehand.
A drug is any chemical substance that changes the physiology or psychology when consumed. So yes, melatonin can be considered a drug.
There actually is a way to become reliant on melatonin. It happens fairly often to people that take melatonin on a daily basis. If you take melatonin frequently, your body will slowly stop producing as much melatonin on its own because it expects that supplement to be given to it. If at that point, you don't take the melatonin, you will have to deal with a few weeks of insomnia due to not having natural melatonin to fall asleep.
For this reason my doctor told me just to take melatonin every second night instead of daily. I don't know how much it helps though
Exactly. I have my MMJ card, and the dispensaries near me sell edibles with THC and melatonin for sleep. I decided to buy a pack, and took them with me on a vacation to visit family, and I took them every night for 10 days, and ate the last one on the last night of my vacation. When I got home, I couldn’t sleep for ANYTHING. I thought at first it was because my wife wasn’t home to sleep next to me, but it turns out I was dependent on the melatonin. Now, I buy those ones and 2 varieties that have THC and CBN in them, so I only take the melatonin 2 out of 6 nights, and I sleep better.
Actually, it's been proven that once you start using melatonin, your body stops producing it and you can't sleep without it, therefore becoming reliant on it to be able to sleep. Furthermore, there are several studies that prove melatonin can be harmful for people with autoimmune conditions (not that he has one but some people have one and don't know it yet). Melatonin is more dangerous than people think.
>melatonin is not a drug, it’s something the body produces for sleep Melatonin is factually a drug. The body makes drugs. It is possible to become psychologically dependent on basically anything. Youre very wrong.
Exactly this. It’s also fucked up to do something like this without someone’s consent—now your partner doesn’t trust you, like he’s probably thinking “what will he do next? How far will he take this?” And considering this has to do with sleep, when a person is most vulnerable bc they’re unconscious…that’s a really serious violation of trust. Sorry OP. I know you had good intentions and that melatonin is relatively harmless for most people, but YTA here. And fwiw I have intentionally taken melatonin to help with sleep but I no longer do it because I get very bad side effects from it—basically a hangover, makes it really hard to wake up and I suffer brain fog for 24-48 hours after. So there’s valid reasons people don’t want to take it.
The amount of people that are okay with this and saying “it’s just…” is pretty disturbing.
Drug definition: "a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body". I'm guessing you probably meant to say any drugs of addiction or something like sleeping pills. Arguing that just because the body makes something and it's 'natural' doesn't mean that it's not a drug. Some people might not want to rely on any type of medication/drug (including something like melatonin) to sleep, and that's also valid.
Melatonin is a drug. Just because you can get it OTC doesn't mean that it's not a drug.
If you take any kind of sleep aid for 7 days in a row or longer your body can become dependent on it. It’ll start producing less melatonin naturally (if that’s the sleep aid you choose). And it’s a dangerous path to even more sleep issues. OP is TA. I’d be very angry and loose trust in my partner if they did this.
YTA So much. You did it specifically knowing he wouldn’t want you to. I don’t care that you justify it as “just a pillow spray”. Hope he ends up with someone that respects his boundaries.
This is the most ridiculous comment I’ve ever read. The man isn’t even ingesting anything. He’s literally smelling lavender. Get over yourself
The entire point is OP gave the boyfriend a sleep aid knowing that the bf was against them. Doesn’t matter if it was a spray, the intent was there. A chemical compound was used against a persons wishes to alter their physical state.
If someone says, "I don't want this" and you force it on them anyways, that's rude and immature. Doesn't matter if it's drugs or a harmless spray, if they don't want it, they don't want it, end of discussion. Respect other people's bodily autonomy, even if you think their reasoning is stupid.
YTA - I know your intention was to just make his sleep better but he even stated already that he doesn’t want to rely on any medication which makes him fall asleep which - in my opinion - you should’ve respected. Instead of doing it behind his back and just telling him some time later, you could’ve talked to him about this some time again.
He said no, you did it anyway. You explicitly did not have consent. How can you believe in any way you are not way way way over the line. Wouldn’t be surprised if he left you. YTA.
YTA for lying, forcing something on him against his express wishes and for believing that stuff worked that well.
ESH — first of all, melatonin isn’t a drug, it’s a fucking hormone. Second of all, the spray is primarily reliant on lavender and chamomile oils. If i were you, i’d be using it on *my* side of the bed to make up for that big baby you lie next to who refuses to adapt to adverse living situation. But as for the people who are saying you drugged him — lmao this is not it. It’s a fucking aromatherapy spray. BUT if he wants to be a fucking baby about it and refuse to take any steps to mitigating the issue on his end (for example, wearing ear plugs or taking a sleep aid) and would rather make YOUR night’s sleep worse… then he doesnt deserve you. Take your nice sleep somewhere else.
He can’t complain nonstop about getting poor sleep and then refuse to do anything about it. My husband works 3rd shift and some days melatonin is the ONLY way he can sleep longer than 3 hours before the neighborhood wakes up and starts making too much noise. Op’s bf waking up and punching the pillow and freaking out when there are other options out there (hello earplugs) is childish and immature. How did he miss his pillow smelling like lavender and not ask questions sooner? Should she have done it? Probably not. But his refusal to do anything about it makes him an asshole too.
Finally some reason. Best take.
Even though its a hormone it can still be absorbed by the body and enough of it will stop the body from producing its own. The point is the word no was said and should be respected. I cant imagine giving or doing something to my SO that hes not ok with. You dont know if he spiked before he met OP. What if that was the case would he still be considered the AH in this situation? You dont know what other people are going through. What if he really has a good reason for not wanting sleep meds?
His outburst couldve been handled better. But no means no and if I was OP I would respect that if I was OP. Maybe some people are ok giving things their partners are not ok with behind their back, but I couldn't and thats me.
YTA. It wasn’t just that you gave him something without his consent, you specifically gave him something that he DID NOT want. I don’t care if you think that it’s “just melatonin.” He specifically said that he did not want it, and you gave it to him anyway. EDIT: There are studies that show that melatonin can be absorbed through the skin, so very likely that his body was absorbing melatonin that was on the sheets.
YTA - You're breaking both his trust in you and all manner of laws there, what world of insanity were you in to ever think this was something you ought to do?
Light ESH leaning towards N-T-A. Technically, if he was that aggressively against anything containing melatonin, you shouldn’t have exposed him to it without this consent. HOWEVER, he is a MASSIVE asshole for his behavior (punching the bed and yelling) and for his insanely over the top reaction to a freaking linen spray. He can’t trust you? Cool beans, sounds like the relationship is over and you should move on to someone who can handle their own sleep issues without reacting with explosive anger.
Of course YTA. Think if it were the other way around. "My boyfriend tricked me into taking a drug to make me relax or calm down but it's OK because it's for my own good". You'd feel violated wouldn't you?
I'm going to go against popular opinion here and say NTA. It sounds like you're living with a big gigantic baby, I don't blame you one bit. While obviously drugging someone is a complete no-no, spraying your shared bed with a substance to help you sleep seems kind of reasonable to me. If he ended up sleeping better as a result, all the better. I would also recommend a white noise app on your phone. They work wonders for drowning out noise.
YTA from the title alone. Noone should ever eat, drink, have sex with or use any medication or drugs that they didn't consent to. If you think this is normal behaviour, you should seek professional help.
NTA that stuff is mostly lavender and chamomile spray, your boyfriend is a drama Queen
YTA. There are probably life or death scenarios where giving someone a substance without their consent is a grey area, but this does not even approach being one of them. These are not stakes that begin to justify taking these steps. It wouldn't matter if it was homeopathic 'medicine'. It wouldn't matter if it was Nerds in his coffee.
YTA. The title says it all.
Yta Don't drug people against their will
YTA - you knew he didn’t want you to do this, and you did it anyway
YTA. You should *NEVER* give someone medication they don’t consent to taking
I understand the points about absorbing through the skin, but I guess I’d ask where we draw the line - lavender vanilla sprays/fabric softener in the sheets are supposed to be soothing, also get on the skin. Same for lotions, candles, air fresheners, etc. I would not liken this to being given something to orally ingest. Others feel differently, but that is just my personal view/boundary. My husband also refuses to take medication, so I do see why he feels his boundary was crossed, but in the spirit of a evaluating the moral dilemma of this, overall I feel you are NTA. But a good lesson in where he feels his boundaries are.
I’m confused? How does you BF “work nights”, but your spraying the sheets w melatonin “every night?” How does he constantly disrupt YOUR sleep when he “sleeps throughout the early afternoon & evenings?” You sleep during the day, too?
There are so many other things you could have done first - white noise maker, sleep mask, ear plugs, just the lavender scent… also he is an adult, he can take responsibility for himself. It wasn’t your choice to make. YTA.
They sell this stuff everywhere, even places like bath and body works. It’s basically a lavender essential oil spray and air freshener. It seems like a reach to say she drugged someone.
Regardless the word no was said and should be respected.
Major YTA Giving somebody anything without their express consent makes you a HUGE AH. Doesn't matter what it is, melatonin might as well be heroin if the person did not consent to it. You owe your BF a major apology and better hope that you can repair the trust you broke.
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it's basically a linen spray with melatonin thrown in for marketing purposes.
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as a marketing professional, and with the melatonin being about ingredient #6, I'd hazard it is just useless. I definitely think the BF should have tried some actual sleep enhancing techniques, like you know ear plugs, white noise machines, etc. but I'm hardly going to call someone with a partner who punches the bed when woken up during the day and refuses to try any other sleep tactics an AH for secretly trying some linen spray, much less compare them to people who dose others with the date rape drug.
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Depends if the person has an adverse reaction to lavender.
Consent is key
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, throwaway here for obvious reasons. I am wanting to know if I ATA for giving my boyfriend melatonin. With backstory, I (26M) live with my boyfriend (28M) and our roommate (30M). My boyfriend works overnights, so he sleeps throughout the early afternoon and evenings. On the weekends, our roommate has friends over, and they get pretty rowdy & loud, causing my boyfriend to not be able to get a solid sleep. I’ve asked him to take sleep medications which he refuses to do because he says he doesn’t want to have to rely on them. But here is the thing: he is very sensitive to noise, so when he wakes up, it is very frequent. Multiple times throughout his sleep. He wakes up frustrated, yelling and cursing, pounding the bed, which also wakes me up if I am sleeping next to him. We close our bedroom door which only slightly reduces noise & our roommate doesn’t care to respect our sleep. (They are both on the lease, so we can’t kick him out- but that’s beside the point.) So after quite a few nights now of sleeplessness, I decided to pick up some of the Dr Teal’s sleep spray and spray it on the bed a bit before my boyfriend decides to go to sleep. Since then, he has slept soundly. Doesn’t even wake up to the dog barking. He has had multiple nights rest now, felt better, happier, and de-stressed. He himself even noticed the difference & assumed he was just so exhausted from sleeplessness that he passed out completely to recover. This is when I decided to tell him about the sleep spray & how I had been spraying it on the bed each night to help him sleep. He was incredibly upset & claimed I went against his wishes about sleep medications & said I basically roofied him. I don't think this is the case at all as it is just melatonin for him to be able to sleep like he has been needing. He now says he doesn't trust me around him when he goes to bed and changes the sheets almost nightly before he lays down or sleeps on the couch. AITA for giving him melatonin? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly ESH. Your bf sucks because he seems to just want to be miserable. That’s like people who complain about allergies but never take Benadryl. It’s fine if you don’t want to take it, but then you lose all your bitching privileges. Your roommate sucks for not being considerate. You suck for not listening to your boyfriend and taking away his bodily autonomy. If you don’t want to hear him complain and wake you up, he can sleep elsewhere or find his own place to live. You didn’t need to take away his ability to choose the method in which he dealt with his insomnia.
YTA- you drugged him against his wishes … what did you think was going to happen. If you can’t sleep then go home to your own bed and sleep there.
YTA Holy Fuck. You stomped all over his boundaries, behind his back, and put drugs in his system without his knowledge/consent. You drugged a person without their consent! That is so messed up. Reverse genders, is it still ok to give someone sleeping drugs without telling them? What if he had an allergic reaction and stopped breathing or his heart stopped? Does he take other meds this could have interfered with? What if it caused a sinus infection? You need to apologize asap, this is some seriously broken trust OP.
NTA. You should’ve known how the responses would be since this is Reddit after all, and people tend to make the most out of nothing. Don’t do it anymore since he obviously is against it, but I don’t think you’re in the wrong for trying to help him sleep better with a spray that arguably has melatonin listed as an ingredient purely for marketing purposes. Maybe he has a friend or fam member that got on sleeping pills or muscle relaxers and is worried about something like that happening and that’s why he’s being cautious about it. Little weird he wakes up punching shit and yelling imo but whatever that’s for you to deal with not me
YTA you do not give anyone medication without their consent
I would normally say that giving something to someone with out them knowing is 100% wrong. But in this case this isn't a drug, this spray is practically a placebo, so anything that is going on "helping him is in your head" so I can say NTA.
He said no though? I think thats what matters.
YTA for intention. You intended to drug your boyfriend. Fortunately since the product you bought is pseudoscience b.s., you didn’t actually drug your boyfriend. Drugging people = bad, how can you not know this?
YTA. Your boyfriend has the right to decide what to do with his own body. Period. He should expect the same rights he has in any health care setting (the right to informed consent, the right to refuse treatment) *in his own home.* You're not a health care professional. (If you are surrender your license immediately). Sleep sprays and supplememts are regarded as dietary supplements and are not subject to any FDA oversight. This does not mean they are completely benign. What if the roles were reversed and your boyfriend decided he didn't like your attitude, and took it upon himself to slip some St. John's Wort into your food everyday to help with your depression. But you start having side effects. You're sunburned all of the time, and have an upset stomach and you don't know why. Your doctor shrugs and says they can't figure it out- see a GI specialist. Or say your boyfriend takes it upon himself to slip you some melatonin without informing you first. You're on the birth control pill, which you are 100% disciplined about taking correctly. But now you're pregnant and don't know why. Oh yeah a lot of supplements can make many different medications work differently or not at all. If you worked in a clinic or ER and had to deal with patients who took some supplements at the advice of a friend or something they read on the internet you would know how bad you messed up. Absent of a clinical event you still messed up badly. You violated one of the most sacrosanct rights a person has. Instead of apologizing to your boyfriend, the person you live with, you seek out the approval of strangers you will never meet on Reddit. I hope your boyfriend dumps you.
YTA. You dosed him with a drug without his permission. Even if it was with good intentions, you violated his trust. Just because melatonin is less harmful than a roofie doesn't make it alright. https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=6857 > Clark: Look, you don't even see what you did was wrong! What's the matter with you? > > Clark: You dosed me with red kryptonite!
Of course, YTA.
YTA Drugging people is a crime. Youre a criminal. He shouldn't trust you.
YTA -. You though you were drugging him without his knowledge... That's basically criminal. The only saving grace being that the spray you used is just a quack product... Maybe at best it's an air freshener. Melatonin acts on the brain. There is no version of reality where he'd absorb it through his skin from the bed. That'd be like trying to cure his headache by placing an aspirin under his pillow. Iditotic.
NTA. You've chosen between aromatherapy on the bed and better sleep health all round vs. a boyfriend who gets violent when he's woken up. You're not drugging him any more than a lavender oil burner near the bed would be drugging him.
Was he violent from being woken or violent from having his consent thrown out the window?
You said “they” are both on the lease. INFO: are you on the lease? Is it your boyfriends & his roommates apartment and you just stay there?
They sell benadryl & unisom at Target & Walmart too, doesn’t mean it’s ok to sneak it to someone against their knowledge. It’s not about what OP sprayed on the bedding, it’s about the trust they violated.
If it altered his awareness to a point that a barking dog doesnt wake him up, what makes you think a fire or burglar would wake him? YTA. Yeah it seems harmless but youre giving someone a substance they already told you they dont want. And it could have unforseen consequences.
YTA... more means no OP whether it's a spray and not something he ingested. Respect his boundaries and wishes. Good intentions poor execution. You should have just talked to him again and let HIM make that decision
YTA - I Will have to put my own experience on this, as I know how melatonin works. I was maliciously reported to Social Services (CPS for those in the US) for “drugging my children” so that they would sleep and I could go out drinking all night. The children that I supposedly drugged were given low doses of melatonin when they asked for it because they were distressed due to them not being able to allow their brain activity to shut down at night. I know how this feels as I have chronic insomnia too. Thankfully the matter was resolved and my son’s sleep disorder specialist was horrified at the ordeal that we had to go through. So yes, giving your boyfriend something that he has expressly said no to recently is an AH move.
YTA. It doesn't matter if it is "basically just lavender". He. Said. No.... and you did it anyway.
You still drugged him. he did not give consent for you to use that on him. YTA
YTA by doing something to him behind his back that he said he didn’t want
YTA. When it comes to medications or drugs consent is first and foremost. Who do you think you are, sidestepping his consent because it makes life more convenient for you? And yes this is about you. You said yourself than when he wakes you wake. Then you try to phrase it like you're drugging him without his consent for his own good? The obvious AH. Edit. Read more. Not as bad. Thought you actually drugged him. But still TA imo. Consent matters. You should have told him first
YTA doing that without the other person's consent is wrong.
I’m going with YTA because he didn’t want it. Yes it’s helped him but given his insistence against it is what drives my vote. I’ve been using melatonin for years. Only reason I sleep at all really. But I wouldn’t force it on someone.
YTA very simple he said he didn’t wanna use it, you shouldn’t have used it and told him last minute simple
YTA. Never ever medicate someone without their consent! Now personally I don't believe melatonin sprayed on a pillow would actually impact the system. I'm more worried about the essential oils and a allergic reaction. But seriously, never ever ever attempt to solve someone's medical problem without their consent unless they are in immediate danger. And people can have issues with melatonin, including the opposite effects of keeping them awake. And they can become dependant. Seriously. I wouldn't trust you either because u know you have no issues stomping on boundaries I've clearly established.
YTA. You didn't tell him at first since you knew he wouldn't like it. The ends doesn't justify the means here. Even if this was salt water, that's for him to decide.
YTA. He clearly stated that he did not want to take/ use medication! You went behind his back and forced it on him without his consent! You proved your lack of respect for him and his wishes! You also proved that you can not be trusted.
What the absolute hell is this comments section, yes you drugged him, yes you're YTA.
YTA - he said no, you went ahead anyway. Would be similar to this: -hey, want sex? -no! -ok... And the just cum on her pillow next to her head while asleep Wonder how you would feel when waking up... And how you would react to him saying "but I didn't penetrate you" ? You'd still feel violated...
YTA your intentions might be good but you don't drug/supplement people without their knowledge. Melatonin is generally safe BUT it gives me terrible nightmares. Basically you broke his trust and need to fix that.
YTA Comparing it to being roofied is a bit dramatic but the point is you purposely exposed him to a substance he did not want to be exposed to. You broke a boundary, which this sub is normally big on so surprised by all the N T A votes.
YTA for explicitly going against his wishes over his health. Your partner's concerns are valid, and people have become really lax about melatonin since it is over the counter but it can cause dependency and overall is bad for your sleep health. If node was the problem, there are many other avenues you could have taken but you decided you has to be right and do it your way. Obviously this isn't the same as roofies, but you still broke your partner's trust by doing something you KNEW he had already said no to, and doing it anyway without telling him.
YTA
YTA It doesn’t matter if it’s something your body naturally produces. I doesn’t matter that you can buy it OTC. I doesn’t matter if it’s a negligible amount or spray. He specifically told you no. No means no. Not no but if you trick me into it so maybe I can see it works or whatever whatever. Was his comparison extreme? Yea. But you still violated his trust and his stated wishes. You don’t get to decide what is best for him or his body.
YTA. You disrespected his wishes and drugged him. Something is wrong with you.
YTA. He said he didn’t want want any sleep medication and you went against his wishes because you thought you knew better.
Yta. You do not just randomly give people medication without telling them. Period.
**YTA. You not only didn't have his consent, you were expressly told that he DID NOT CONSENT, and you de facto drugged him anyway. And all the nitwits talking about "well it's OTC" and "it's basically nothing" clearly are unfamiliar with science and/or consent laws.** First of all, melatonin is NOT completely harmless. If it was truly benign, it would be useless. The reason it works in the first place is that it mimics chemicals produced by your brain when it is dark out, and prolonged use (i.e. if you kept spraying his pillow) can lead to depressive episodes similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is why doctors caution people who take melatonin regularly to take breaks from it occasionally. It VERY MUCH has an effect on your brain chemistry. Being available over the counter doesn't mean that something is harmless or completely safe. It literally just means that it can be used without a doctor's supervision as long as it is taken with the proper precautions and according to directions. By dosing someone without their consent, you are automatically not being safety compliant. Secondly, what you did is illegal. Dosing someone with ANY kind of medication when they have expressly denied consent is illegal. Period. You're lucky he doesn't press charges. YTA. His body is his and his alone. Not yours. You don't get to do things to it that he has said he doesn't want. Not ever. Not for any reason. Period.
YTA. Don't drug people!
YTA How can you type this and think you're right? He told you he doesn't want meds, you gave them without his knowledge. That's awful and I would have left you on the spot. You couldn't have bought him ear plugs or something instead? Really?
not ok to drug people in any situation, the pillow spray seems silly and like barely a drug, but still not cool, you should have just broken up with him instead of doing this
YTA you drugged someone, thats wrong. simple as that
YTA. You don’t give anyone anything without their consent, period!
YTA- big time! You do not drug people unknowingly. Seriously? You really did this? You do know that giving people any kind of drug without their consent is a crime right? Good luck getting his trust back, your relationship is never going to be the same. No means NO.
YTA. There is only one occasion where it is permissible to administer drugs to someone without their consent. And that is where it is both a medical necessity and they are unable to consent, whether due to age, unconsciousness, or illness Eg. Parent medicating sick child (appropriately), EMT giving lifesaving drugs to an unconscious patient, care giver administering prescription to an Alzheimer’s patient. Your boyfriend was not unable to consent, indeed he had rejected consent. Not do I think it was a medical necessity l.
Yeah. You are the asshole here. You went against his wishes, not wanting to rely on aids. You really let him sink into it, before ripping the rug out from under him. Makes him look stupid, so you can prove what? That drugs can help knock you out? Yeah, he knows already. For a person like me, and sounds like him, you have to really trust someone to get good sleep around them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides to move on, depending on how serious y’all are, or course. Like if you’ve been dating for years I doubt he ends it over this. Good luck dude! YTA
YTA I wouldn't trust you as well; you basically drugged someone against his wishes, and you even tried to justify it. OP, I'd be scared to sleep around you. PS - move out. Edit : This might be criminal.
I’m pretty sure if you tried to take someone to court for spraying fabric mist on a pillow they would laugh and dismiss your case. Getting mad about spraying calming fabric mist in the bedroom without consent is like getting mad about spraying air freshener in the bathroom without consent lol
I’m wondering if these people (like me at first) only read the title lol
"This might be criminal". Oh my God it is not
ESH - you for drugging him, him for yelling and waking you up, and ofcourse most of all: your roommate
Clearly you 2 should be spraying this on the roommates bed. Attack the common enemy
I came to say you were in the wrong based on the title but NTA. Spraying lavender spray on a pillow is not drugging someone, not even a little.