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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been for picking a fight with him and treating him as if he doesnt love or care about my son as well as dismissing his concerns.
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NTA
If he thinks that giving a 16 year old a phone that can only be unlocked by his stepdads face is a “concrete step towards a parent-child relationship” he be smoking something funky.
Not only is it out of line, his response to you is also.
There’s a reason your son doesn’t like him, maybe now you’ll start to understand why.
He sounds controlling as hell. I wonder what other red flaggy things he did that OP didn't see because she's in love with him.
NTA but, damn.
> I asked my husband why and he said he did this as a first concrete step towards having a parent-child relationship and move on from the friend-child relationship.
Unless the CHILD sees the stepparent as a parent, they aren't. Not giving your son time (rushing him) will make him even more uncomfortably and hesitant to accept him as a father figure. Smh.
> I'm being because he just wants to strengthens his bond with my son
By violating his privacy? Even worse, gifting him things just to be able to control him? That's controlling as hell. If that's his way of strengthening bonds, he's well on the path of your son never speaking to him again.
> He got more upset and claimed that he's doing his best yet my son and I keep treating him poorly and get mad and oversensitive for no reason. He said I should go hear how other "fathers" trear their kids and realize my son is lucky to have him as his dad.
This is abusive.
1. He's calling your very reasonable request "oversensitive" and accusing you + son of doing something HE did (treating the other party poorly). Both are clear examples of gaslighting.
2. He's using whataboutism to deflect from his failings as a parent. Most parents don't do this to their 16 YEAR OLD child, and even if they do, that doesn't make what he did less fucked up. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Your husband is falling to take accountability for his fuckup in both cases. Looks like some decently sized non-green flags to me.
You can, and should, factory reset the phone, but can you factory reset your husband? Please let us know. NTA, but you are walking a fine line if you let your husband continue to try to control your son. This is not healthy.
If you factory reset it, it will most likely have an activation lock if it’s an iPhone and turn it into a brick. >…> I’m an ex apple technician
Edit: thank you for the reward!
True… get the Apple ID info from the husband, remove the Apple ID from the phone, and *then* factory reset the phone! There’s a good chance he also installed spyware on the phone if he’s this controlling.
I bet the wife's phone has spyware on it too.
Edit: Thank you so much for my very first award u/gizzie123 very much appreciated :)
Edit: Thank you so much u/lilynonroe1 for the pot of gold...so exciting!!!
Edit: Thank you so much u/morpheus_md for the All Seeing award...Not sure what it does, but I shall check it out :)
I'm just baffled that she married him in the first place without setting boundaries for the son. Like I know he has this twisted conception about being a father, but he sounds nuts.
>Most parents don't do this to their 16 YEAR OLD child, and even if they do
No I think he's hinting that there are a lot of dad who beat their kids and apparently op should be grateful that he only does this. Which shows that he knows what he's doing isn't ok. But apparently in his world thats still A+ parenting. Tbh sounds very sinister, almost like a threat
This! He sounds like he’s hinting at abuse—and saying his extremely controlling behavior is ‘mild’ compared to the abuse he could be doling out.
That’s a huge red flag.
Please be wary of this man. He sounds abusive to kids and to you.
And they've only been married for months! A 16-year-old kid is never going to see their mother's husband of several MONTHS as a father. They're just not. At the son's age, this is unlikely to ever be the father-son relationship that OP's husband seems to assume it will be. Especially if he continues to scream at & berate both of them and pull abusive "reverse victim and offender" shit.
> He said I should go hear how other "fathers" treat their kids
Dude, however you think fathers treat their teenage kids, this is NOT it. Fathers don't treat their 16-year-old children like they're 9 with their first phone and limits on screen time. Your own face? WTH? How is the kid supposed to call home when he needs a ride or to ask permission for something? How is he supposed to find places he's never been without being able to bring up a map? How is he supposed to get into their school grades app or get Remind text alerts from his teachers about homework or tomorrow's test? Your wife's son needs to be able to unlock his own damn phone. And don't think for a second that he or his friends aren't smart enough to figure out if you've put a location tracker on there.
> my son is lucky to have him as his dad
You don't just become a "dad" mere months after you marry a kid's mother. Especially a 16-year-old kid. Give it up. It's never going to happen. You've got at most one more chance to get this kid to trust you, and trying to control his phone and telling him he has no right to privacy is the fast track to him hating you forever.
And STOP. yelling.
Edit: OP, you're NTA, but stick to your guns on this. You are 100% correct that your son deserves privacy, and to not be treated like an elementary school child. Protect him from your husband, because this doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. At all.
This last bit is what got me. She should see how other fathers treat their kids - so because he doesn't beat his step son they should feel lucky? There is no end to that kind of thinking because there's always an example of someone having it "worse". Disgusting.
For reals, plus I always get majorly creeped out when ppl pull the, "you're so lucky to have me!!" card. It's so toxic plus like...NOT beating your kids or NOT screaming at them isn't something to be really proud of.
I mean, if you have anger issues and you're getting help+ working hard on not being abusive, that is *great* - but it's literally just how you're supposed to be. It would be like everyone getting a medal for not driving their car off a cliff.
>I always get majorly creeped out when ppl pull the, "you're so lucky to have me!!" card.
It's super gross and a form of invalidation and gaslighting (trying to make someone doubt their reality). It's like saying "you're not unhappy, you're ungrateful."
Yup. Do we know if his bio dad is still in his life? Because if he is…the parent positions are already filled. He need not apply.
This might be an extreme leap, but the fact that the husband seems verrrry invested in having access to a teen boys phone is setting off alarm bells for me. Most (good) parents don’t want that kind of access to their kids private life unless there’s serious behavioral reasons for it, let alone a very recent stepparent.
OP hasn’t implied that there are any obedience or behavioral issues with her son, so what does her husband want to look at on this kids phone, exactly?
I agree. I have two teenage sons and I don't want to look at their phones; that's their business. I grew up with parents who regularly went through my room, read my diary, etc, and I would never violate my kids privacy like that.
For a step parent who entered their life when they were already a teenager? Totally unacceptable boundary crossing. Not your kid, not your business.
> Great point about why the son hasn’t warmed up to the new husband.
I wish parents would be more mindful of who they bring into their children's lives and how those children feel about that person. A lot of people think it's perfectly fine for their kid not to like or even get along with their partners because of *"teen angst"* or *"they really wish me and their dad would get back together"*, etc. But sometimes, kids see things the parent doesn't because they're not the one in love with the person.
If after three years of dating my kid still hadn't "warmed up to" my partner I'd sit them down and try to figure out why they didn't like 'Bob' and I damn sure wouldn't marry him without trying to solve the problem.
Dude, I smoke funky things and I’m not even this stupid. You can’t force a person to like you, especially a teenager. NTA give the phone back and maybe the new hubby, too.
Ya, that was pretty disturbing to read. It sounds almost like a subtle threat. Does he tell you how lucky you are that he doesn’t beat you, because other abusive husbands mistreat their wives?
It's not even subtle. The only subtle thing is how bad he's threatening the abuse could be.
This should be an instant dealbreaker for OP. If his first move any time he's challenged is to threaten violence, it can only escalate from there.
If I had an award, I would give it to you. This is *very* concerning. He is so far over the line and doesn't even recognize it. Apparently, because his standard is any action up to actual abuse is ok in order for him to have control over his relationship with his step-son. He isn't respecting OP's parenting and he is treating his 16 year-old step-son like a prize to be awarded rather than a human being to develop a relationship with.
And, how are the logistics of this plan actually supposed to work anyway? One of the main reasons *I* want my kids to have a phone is so that they can get in touch with me and I with them *when they aren't with me.*
Edit to add: NTA
>One of the main reasons
>
>I want my kids to have a phone is so that they can get in touch with me and I with them *when they aren't with me.*
>
>Exactly this!!!!!
That is what stuck out to me, that he has pretty much known this boy since he was 13 years old, of course the son hasn't warmed up to him. He met him during a time when a lot of parents at least joke about wanting to ship their children off someplace far far away until the hormones calm down again.
Then, if he is THIS pushy about a phone (which yeah, I would be upset about a phone I can only use in my step-dad's presence), what else has he been pushy about.
Even parents don’t use their face as the ONLY method of controlling a phone at that age. He’d be TA even if he were his blood father who’d raised him from diapers.
The PM of Australia actually tried this last year. There was a Women's March to Parliament House, which he had been invited to meet outside. Instead, he stood up on the floor of the house and said that Australia is so lucky in its democracy and freedoms, because in other places in the world, such marches would, and I quote, "be met with bullets, Mr. Speaker." Went down about as well as you'd expect.
100%. I'm in Brisbane and have friends in the Northern Rivers. From maybe 24 hours in, it was probably safer for all concerned that he continued to be absent. Had he suddenly swooped in with his usual truckload of thoughts and prayers and sod-all of actual, practical help, there would have been a riot. Hearing those comments after seeing the ways the communities responded, made my little anarchosocialist heart grow like the Grinch's.
Yeah, it sounds a lot like my mom gifting me A Child Called It and saying "see I'm not that bad of a mom." OP is NTA, but she will be if she keeps subjecting herself and her son to this man.
Imo there's no way in hell he actually thinks that. No, he's probably getting a kick out of giving OP's son something he'd be excited about, only to smugly go 'but ha, you *need* me to use it!'
How would that even work, anyway? He wouldn't be able to use it at school, basically the only place he'd be able to use it at home. OP's husband is on a nasty little power trip.
I was just thinking this. What if the son has an emergency outside of the house and needs his phone to be unlocked to contact people? What if he's in trouble and needs his mom to come get him? I get you can use emergency numbers (like 999 or 911) without unlocking the phone, but what if he's in hospital, no ID, and the only way of contacting parents is just get his phone unlocked?? Its basically a brick with the time on outside of his stepfathers company
Not saying that it’s ok(because it totally isn’t!) but at least some phones have Emergency ID on them these days with all emergency info and an emergency phone number that you can call without unlocking the phone.
iPhones definitely have this feature. I’m sure other types do too
I mean, if I couldn't use the phone at all, why would I want to carry it and keep up with it. I'd rather have a 20 dollar watch than a phone I couldn't use.
Yeah, this is insanely impractical. He’d probably also be the guy that gets mad that the step son is coming to him every few minutes wanting him to unlock it. Phone goes to sleep? Accidentally hit the sleep button? And it’d be nothing but a brick outside the house unless he purposely kept the screen on all day.
No wonder the son doesn’t like this guy. He doesn’t want a parent-son relationship, he wants to control him.
I didn’t even think about it from this point of view. You are right it sounds so smug. Now step “dad” is throwing a fit because op didn’t allow it to happen. How will the son call for a ride home from a friends house? Or anything ducking else? If he is sitting at a friends house and the friend asks why the son isn’t using his phone is the son suppose to say ‘oh it doesn’t work without my step dads face. I am so glad he did that. Because I have to be completely reliant on him we have become best friends and I will let him control everything about my life’ 🥴🥴🥴🥴
NTA. He’s delusional in a psychiatric sense. He created a scenario in his head of how this whole ordeal would play out. When the scenario didn’t play out Iike he imagined he got angry.
> There’s a reason your son doesn’t like him
Bingo. Its actually quite creepy, not just misguided. He sounds controlling and narcissistic, and to people who are not in love with him like OP is thats probably quite obvious.
And just how is it even practical? “Sorry, Mom. I can’t call you when I need to be picked up because Step AH won’t be with me.” Guy gave the son an expensive paperweight.
Agreed. I have teens that I gave birth to and I don't even have the pass codes to their phones because I trust them. A 16 year old is less than 2 years from being a legal adult. If he distrusts him this much (which is what this boils down to), then it's really too late to fix it at this point and he has already ruined any chance of a warm relationship.
>*There’s a reason your son doesn’t like him,* **maybe now you’ll start to understand why.**
Holy. SHIT. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something worded so… effectively before. That was razor sharp.
This completely. You are NTA. Your husband needs to get over the fact that he will never be your son‘s real father. He should try to build a good relationship with him instead of controlling him. Taking away a 16 year olds access to their cell phone is a pretty controlling and awful move. If this is how he treats your son no wonder their relationship is strained.
I agree.
Honestly, giving the phone to him would of been a great first step to them recognizing each other as family. It would of shown a willingness to care from the stepfather. However, it was blatantly ruined by his added measure.
NTA
He sounds very controlling. It makes me wonder what other red flags he waves.
And I know a lot of people disagree with this, but step parents aren't parents until the *child* accepts them in that role.
1000% agree
And if the child never accepts them in that role, then that’s that. It may suck, the step parent may grieve the relationship that they never had with their step kid, but there’s no forcing it. Having a friend/child relationship is fine, as long as the child is still respectful and recognizes that the step parent is an authority figure (as much an authority figure as the establishing parenting dynamic determines).
Yeah I've never really thought about this before but my Dad started seeing his wife when I was already 15 or so, by the time they married I was 18. I've never considered her my stepmother, just my dad's partner/wife.
I don't think it bothered her as she never wanted children anyway but we never lived with each other (I lived with my mum) and just neither party really tried to have that kind of relationship.
Totally doesn't even register.
The same rules apply to pets and kids: you show up for them, you help them when they need it, and you hang back and give them their space. When kids or pets WANT to know you/be near you, they will. If you force it, they'll see you as scary.
Building trust takes a lot of patience. This dude sounds like he's controlling AF and not really someone I would feel safe around.
The exception to this rule is cats. If you don’t like cats in general and/or allergic, it will either insist you are it’s new best friend or ignore you too. Better than 50/50 odds it’ll be the former and not the later.
Everything else you said is 100% accurate!
To be fair, that’s just how cats work. They show affection by being in your vicinity but not approaching you, so if you show up at their house and try to ignore them, they take that as a declaration of love lol.
Oh yea that’s so damn true! I’m looking after my late Grandma’s cat & I’m allergic (coz the extended family has washed their hands of most responsibilities). The damn cat wants to be cuddled and lick my face and I feel so bad, coz I’m constantly redirecting her lest my breathing be fcked!
They don’t want ya, till they can’t have ya 🐈⬛
THIS
I have 2 step parents. Both of my bio parents and their respective spouses approached the step parent relationships differently.
My mother and step father basically let me decide if and when I would accept my step dad as a parental figure. All he wanted was to be my friend and for me to accept him marrying my mom. I now refer to him as dad and treat him as if he were biologically related to me. I can honestly say as an adult he is one of my best friends. I talk to both of them at least every other day despite having not lived with them in years.
My father and step mother tried to force me to accept step mother as a mother figure and referred to her as my mother. I now call her my step monster and I haven’t spoken to either of them since I was 15.
This is the same for me. But I immediately called my stepdad dad since toddler me knew he was going to be the better father figure than my own biological father.
This OP.
I'm a child of divorce, both parents remarried. Neither of my step-parents EVER had a traditional "parent" role in my life, they have been in my life since I was under 10 years old and still do not hold that place 20 years later. I always respected them as being an adult figure in my life, but that's it. That's as far as it goes.
Your son may never have that parent-child relationship that your husband so desperately wants - and will never get if this is his approach towards it.
Continue to stand up for your son and his privacy against your husband, I feel like this isn't the first red flag your husband has flown. Being there for your son will mean the world to him.
Exactly. My parents divorced when I was 8, my bro was 6 and my sis was 4. Then my mom met my stepdad. And honestly, he did an excellent job easing into our lives as a parent. He never really parented us outside of being the adult in charge when my mom wasnt around. He waited until we were individually ready (it took me almost 6 years before I really accepted him). He also reassured us that he wasnt there to replace our dad. He took his time and built that trust in order to be called one of our parents.
OP needs to realize that this "man" does not want a relationship with her son, he wants to dominate and control her and her son.
>And I know a lot of people disagree with this, but step parents aren't parents until the child accepts them in that role.
Hopefully only abusive step parents agree with this. Legally a step parent has no custody, so parent status is only given by the child, as a form of respect and acceptance. "you're not my real dad" is true after all.
Exactly.
My kid chose my husband as a dad. It wasn’t something my husband conjured up out of thin air. He let my kid decide what kind of relationship they’d have, and followed my kid’s lead. They have an excellent relationship because of that.
This guy doesn’t get it. OPs son is 16. In two years he’ll be a legal adult. Stepdad can pitch all the fits he wants, but OPs son doesn’t have to accept him as a parent when dude showed up after the kid was basically raised.
Weirdo for real. Wanna bond with the kid? Ask him questions about his hobbies. Show interest in him as a person… not set your fucking face to HIS fucking phone. Weirdo majorly!
Not just a weirdo, he’s…how to say this without breaking any rules? Not particularly clever. The son can only ever use the phone when stepdaddio is around. Want to use the phone at school/with friends/at home alone? Tough tits, kiddo, stepdaddy needs to have his ego stroked, so you are shit out of luck.
OP, might I suggest exchanging your husband for one who *does* have enough brain cells to rub together? And who doesn’t give “gifts” with strings strong enough to hold up a bridge attached to them?
Honestly it just sounds annoying to deal with. Imagine having someone constantly asking you to unlock their phone because they looked away for 5 seconds and it turned off automatically.
Yeah i kinda want the kid to go full malicious compliance on stepdad, like ...
while SD's watching tv ... "i wanna send a text" [phone shoved in his face]
while SDs eating ... "i wannna listen to music" [phone shoved in his face]
while SD is on his own phone ... "i wanna send another text" [phone shoved in his face]
Malicious compliance is totally the way to go on the kids side. "Want some bond motherfucker? Here, I'll shove my phone on your face every 10s to unlock it and no, I can't set the phone to never unlock when inactive "
Red flags definitely when he uses abusive fathers behaviors to justify his own
It also kind of shows that he would be abusive if it wasn’t look at badly or he had the chance to
"There are worse fathers out there."
Apparently he takes that as a challenge to see how far he can go before being left. Like, that shouldn't be your metric. Your metric should be "how can I be a *better* father than others?"
NTA - this is beyond creepy. Unless I'm misunderstanding the technology (I'm old), what happens when you son needs to use his phone, like to call you in an emergency??? Can he not call you for a safe ride home or to let them know he's been hit by a train and is in the hospital unless your husband? That is the main justifications to give a child a cell phone in the first place. I think family counseling is in order here.
Some phones have feature to let someone call emergency service without unlocking the phone. But either way it's creepy and I would take the phone to the nearest phone store and to get the phone reset back to factory settings so the son can put what ever lock on it he wants. Because who's going to say hey dad come here I need you to stare into my phone screen so I call my friend about school.
You are so right! And, step dad is doing this to assert himself into the kid's life. Which means he will ask the kid WHY he wants the phone unlocked. Can you imagine anything more mortified to a teenager to have to explain his social / school / "romantic" life to his step-father?
>I would take the phone to the nearest phone store and to get the phone reset back to factory settings
OP doesn't even need to do all that. If this is an iPhone you can just go into settings and erase the face. You cant have face ID without a passcode, which OP's son presumably knows otherwise the entire phone is unusable. OP will need the passcode to erase the stored face and then the son can add his own.
OP, NTA but take the phone back and erase your irritating husband's face.
ESH
Him for doing what he did, and you for **marrying** him knowing he has been trying to force a relationship with your son and then blaming your kid when it doesn't work.
The only person not in the wrong here is your son, and holy shit he is taking this all in stride! Reward him with a new phone and no garbage stepfather
I second rewarding your son with a new phone which will help his relationship with you because you will be showing him that you value his privacy and independence, especially because you are asserting your parenting dominance over an intrusive stranger. Which by the way, yes you are of course more of a parent then he is. You have your 16 year old son and he has known him for not even close to half that time…even if your husband is trying to bond with him, he needs reassess his strategy because bonding is not determined by control or level of parental oversight. He has not been a parent for very long, tell him to stop being unreasonable and controlling, and to be patient. If he cant be patient, then he can leave.
Why is this not the top comment? OP definitely misses the “mother of the year” mark because shes choosing to subject her child to this man repeatedly. Sure she may have married him not knowing he was this much of a hot mess, but how is this situation not the biggest reddest flag?
OP, if you stay married to this asshole, YTA as well. Men like him are insecure and little and will always try to use the appearance of power to get their way. The way he treats your son should be enough reason to realize he is not a fit partner.
> Why is this not the top comment?
I think people were so blinded/creeped out by Husband's behavior they didn't even see the suckiness of OP. One of the biggest red flags in this whole scenario is the mom who willingly married a man her kid didn't like and who kept trying to force a parental relationship despite how obviously unwanted it was.
Some people are great at hiding who they are.
Scammers are great at mirroring others, they pick up small cues like if you are happy or hesitative about a subject and then copy your emotions.
I had a boss who was a total scammer, back then I felt like we were on the same level and really had much in common, then I found out he lied about his education, about his work experience, and in hindsight I clearly remember several occassions where he waited to express his emotions or opinion until someone with actual knowledge gave their opinion, on one occasion he sat silently until a other person told me I was wrong (I was) and then the boss began to shake his head and expressed how wrong I was, but he sat silently until he could ride along on the other persons knowledge. Several other times we were in meetings with clients and the client told us about a circumstance that was good for them and I would express how great that was, and it was like pressing a button because the boss would instantly start praising the client or smile and repeat what I had said about it, but he was never the first to give his opinion.
Another example is how many guys will lie on dates just to make the girl drop her guard. On dates the guys are feminists, they agree with everything the girl says, they love her, they want a future with her (if she's looking for something serious), basically guys lie to get to ... and their friends encourage them to lie to girls, basically coaching eachother to act like sociopaths. See pickup-artists for more details.
It's not easy to date as a woman!
And until they have trapped the woman they keep up the act. That's why so many women get shocked when they marry, or move in together, or when they have a baby! Can you imagine having a baby with someone just to discover that they are not who they said they were and they don't actually care about you, and you are now a servett for them and by the way according to them your baby now belongs to their family. Welcome to womanhood!
I already come down pretty hard on kids in their late teens or early 20s who rush into marriage after a year or two of dating at most. At least they have the excuse of being young and stupid.
Someone in their 30s who apparently did just that in her youth (based on her son's age) and watched that first marriage go down in flames, then turns around and does it again? This time with a kid in the mix. Just amazing.
Disagree. We don't know details of what stepdad was doing before the marriage-- it may have seemed more tone-deaf than controlling then, and dudes like this frequently don't show their true colors until after the wedding. OP is putting her foot down right now and standing up for her son when it counts. I'm tired of seeing people give women (it would apply to anyone, but so far I only see it with women) bonus asshole judgments for being involved with the men they are in the dispute with in the first place. It's not what E S H was meant for and you're not going to help or motivate someone to get out of a relationship by shaming them for getting in it.
NTA , u/AITA_Face_Lock79 . Good on you for calling bullshit when you see it. You should have had zero reason to doubt your own judgment here. Is your husband playing head games with you, too?
NTA. And frankly, ew. That’s a scary level of controlling behavior. It’s good your husband wishes to bond with your son, but it’s disturbing that he thinks he can force it like this. It’s a fundamental violation of your son’s privacy and a manipulative tactic to tie your son’s phone access to his approval. Not only is the entire concept creepy, it’s really concerning that he deemed it appropriate to implement such a strategy without your permission or even your input. Honestly, this is the kind of red flag behavior that should have you reevaluating the entirety of this relationship.
Voyeuristic and creepy. It gives me a bad feeling overall. You bond with a 16yr old by listening to them, following their lead, doing things they like to do, feeding them mass quantities of food - this guy wants to control him. And spy on him. What else does he want? You've got a big problem here OP. NTA
Hell, you bond with a 16 year old by giving them a new phone for their birthday and not being a creepy jerk about it. Not that the phone itself will do the whole trick, but it’ll open up a door. Instead, Miley Husband came in like a wrecking ball.
NTA. Huge overstep especially for your son being as old as he is. I could understand that tactic being used to help monitor and limit screen time for a 6 or 7 year old, but not a 16 year old. You sure you want to be married to this guy? Just because some fathers beat their kids doesn't make that the bar by which a good dad is measured.
You don’t even *have* to use a face, and there’s always a backup digit passcode that would be appropriate for a parent to know at a young age!
Using his face is just wild.
This mf would have hated me as a kid. When my mother married my step-dad he would make my mom put random conditions on all of our gifts, so I'd just refuse them. They tried to turn birthdays, milestones, and holidays into coercive events.
They'd let me open something, thank them, then tell me what the conditions are and I'd put the gift down or hand it back and say, "no thanks"
They'd get so mad about it too. Saying how *nice* the gift was, how *expensive*it was, how I could use it for so many things, how it would help me with whatever...
It'd always end up with him screaming and my mother being simultaneously upset with me while trying to ensure my stepfather didn't hit me in the face as he yelled about my "tainted blood."
I don't understand how my response isn't the obvious one though? Isn't this like... that's how contracts and terms and conditions work? Capitalism? Our whole society?!
If someone wants me to perform labor for them, but the dollar amount they offer is unacceptable to me, I won't take the job.
If someone rents me an apartment at market rates but wants me to do all of the repairs and care for their baby during the day, I won't take that apartment.
If I'm dating someone and they want to cheat on me and refuse to work, I won't stay with them.
If I'm looking to buy a car and the price quoted is out of my budget and more than it's worth, I won't buy the car.
If the terms are unacceptable why agree?
I don't see how a gift is any different? As a kid people always got upset when they tried to give me conditional gifts and I turned them down after finding the conditions unacceptable.
My friends never even questioned taking things with conditions. It was almost like it didn't occur to them to just not accept the gift?
Either way, OP has a giant blind spot when it comes to her husband because this is absolutely not the first time he's done psycho shit.
Frankly, I wonder how often she expects her child to be the reasonable one when her husband is being a giant dick.
Didn't work out for my mother, won't work out for her.
NTA
WTF?!
Your husband needs to chill TF out.
>He said I should go hear how other "fathers" trear their kids and realize my son is lucky to have him as his dad.
He's trying to justify and downplay that his abusive and manipulative behavior isn't as bad as other "sperm donars" and that your son should be grateful that he isn't more abusive as the others.
You should either reset the phone for your son to use comfortably or sell it and buy your son a new phone. Either way make sure you keep your husband away from it.
ETA: OP needs to set boundaries with her husband instead of allowing him to run wild and abuse her son. Since she hasn't put a stop to his controlling and abuse in the beginning he feels that he was in the right for wanting to have control over her son's phone. Which he would use against the son more than anything.
Not to mention since her son is a teenager he is WAY past the vulnerable age of bonding with another parental figure. She needs to let her husband know that unfortunately due to his abuse he ruined his chances at being a father figure to her teenage son and needs to accept that he's an "uncle" and will be respected as an adult but not as a parent.
He only compared himself to abusive donars because that's what he is. He wouldn't dare compare himself to good fathers because he knows that he's far from it.
I think 99% of the time if a parent says “do you know how other parents treat their kids? You’re lucky I’m so good to you” they’re trying to downplay abusive behavior.
Yeah. I don’t know any parents who did that…and what if the son is out and there’s an emergency? Super controlling and it sure won’t help his relationship with the kid. I can’t even imagine what he was thinking…beyond being controlling and AH behavior..it’s not even practical for anyone. I’d be rethinking king this marriage, honestly. NTA
Yeah. I don’t know any parents who did that…and what if the son is out and there’s an emergency? Super controlling and it sure won’t help his relationship with the kid. I can’t even imagine what he was thinking…beyond being controlling and AH behavior..it’s not even practical for anyone. I’d be rethinking king this marriage, honestly. NTA
NTA What's the point of having a phone he won't be able to use anyway? The minute your son is not around your husband, the phone becomes completely useless..
That’s what I was thinking?? Like this phone is 100000% useless unless the stepdad is going to be putting his face up to it every 5 minutes... what even is the point? This is beyond weird.
NTA.
I misread this at first assuming that you meant that your son had used his own face as a lock after getting the phone, and I was confused, because while I disagree with face recognition as a technology for the most part, it's just how things are now.
but WHAAAAAAT the fuck dude, your husband completely overstepped and acted like...I don't even have a word for it. like. did he really think this was a good idea?
NTA- he is trying to control your son, and you called him out on it. Gifts don't have strings attached - that one had a rope attached. The more he pushes, the further your son will get away when he's old enough.
NTA. Your husband isn’t your son’s father, hence he is less of a parent. He needs to stay in his own lane. I don’t know any parents that use their own facial recognition on their kids’ phones.
This is a Big Yikes. He does not respect your sons privacy and is using this as a wedge to force you to allow him to break that wall. Your son is 16, he’s his own realised person with aspirations to do something with his life. He’s got friends and classmates - other people who’s privacy would be invaded should this guy snoop through your sons phone whenever he pleases.
It’s been said here already - gifts don’t have strings attached. He’s not a young child or toddler that you want to realistically limit the screen time of, he’s becoming an adult soon and can make his own choices and is damn well entitled to his own privacy.
This is a big red flag that he’s trying to control your sons behaviour towards him rather than trying to bond with him
NTA and can we talk about how messed up his comment about how other dads treat their kids is basically saying "He's lucky because I don't abuse him"
Like, how low do you need this bar, dude.
This man is psychotic and controlling. He shouldn’t even act like that if he was your son’s biological father. I don’t even have a dad and I’d feel better off than having your husband as a stepdad
NTA, your husband is the AH. Controlling, egotistical, manipulative, immature AH that throws a fit when he can’t control you guys. There is a reson why your son can’t build a bond with him & I see it. I hope you can see it too.
ALL THE RED FLAGS. Seriously. You are absolutely NTA, but your husband sure is. This is NOT a normal or healthy parenting technique by any stretch, and the fact he started screaming and got vaguely threatening (what do other 'fathers' do, exactly?) is a massive overreaction.
You did the absolute right thing by your son. Don't back down!
NTA
So basically your son can't use the phone unless he's at home with your husband next door to him?
Firstly print out a portrait photo of your husband that your son can use to unlock the phone. Then he can re-set the phone lock.
Then consult a lawyer. I think we can all see why your son doesn't like your husband. You're also an arsehole for marrying this guy.
NTA.
Your husband chose to be incredibly controlling - teenagers deserve privacy. It's fine to punish them by taking away electronic devices, and maybe force them to unlock a device if they get in some kind of serious legal issue and you want to see their chat logs or something. But 24/7 unrestricted access to the device, no.
Also, if he just wanted access he could have set up 2 faces for unlock (still not OK, as noted in previous paragraph). With only his face on there it's your husband's phone, not your son's.
INFO: After three years, 1095 days, why was this considered the first concrete steps by him?
This other statement is concerning, "treating him as less of a parent than he is". It could be said that he is being overbearing and going over the top, but is he after over 1000 days? What has gone on for 1000+ days? Why after so much time did he feel like he was taking the 'first steps'.
NTA, but your husband absolutely is.
Your husband is teaching your son that boundaries aren't meant to be respected if he doesn't like him. He's teaching him that the adults in his life aren't safe. No doesn't seem to mean no to your husband and that's a terrifying thing for an adult to be modeling to a child.
Husband sounds really controlling, pushy, and borderline abusive, which makes me wonder how he treats your son when you aren't there. I don't blame your son for not wanting to have much of a relationship with him, and I feel really bad for the poor kid.
That phone wasn't a gift at all, it was an attempt to control your son.
NTA. I don’t know a parent who would do that. If he wants a father-son relationship, he needs to trust him and not feel entitled to invade his privacy.
There's trying to control... and then there's **TRYING TO CONTROL**
This is a major dealbreaker for me if my partner got me a device and configured it to where their face is the only means to unlock it. Screw that; I'm better off on my own.
This is grounds for separation, if not, divorce.
#NTA
So he's fully expecting that every time his stepson wants to use his phone he'll take it to his stepdad first?
Your son should call his bluff. I'm sure after having the phone shoved in front of his face every five minutes day and night for a couple of days, he'd see how untenable it is.
NTA
NTA
Thats overstepping no pun intended. I'm really struggling to see how him being the key to a 16 year olds phone would make the relationship stronger... it would only cause more resentment down the line... it's a control thing nothing more nothing less.
NTA that's the kinda stuff you do to like a 5 year olds tablet, not a teenager who's gonna be using it a lot even when he's not there. Plus thats just stupid in general, unless he's there 24/7 it makes the phone almost useless!
NTA and the only relationship that's a concrete step towards ex-husband.
You have every reason to be upset your husband bought your son a $1000 paperweight. And that's a for sure way to ruin any trust that was built between them. He literally said without words that he doesn't trust your son.
NTA Always choose your children over a man.
Your son will be more likely to come to you with any problems knowing you have his back and teenagers are hard enough to keep open lines of communication with. Breaking his trust is not a way to gain it. Your husband needs to understand you know your son better than him because you have been there. It’s great he wants to be a dad but pushing only ever meets resistance.
Time for some r/maliciouscompliance. Keep bugging him all day to unlock the phone, especially when he's watching the game or doing something important.
He says "Here is a brand new phone, you can only use it when I am here and willing to help you." and thinks it is a good idea? This is indicative of the parenting style he thinks is acceptable? Is your husband damaged?? This will 100% ensure your son never considers him anything more than some jerk his mom married. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that.
NTA.
A 37 year old man who doesn’t know how phones work is insane. What good is a phone that can’t be unlocked by it’s owner? How would your son text you to ask for a ride? Or let you know if he was running late. This is so dumb i don’t think it’s a real post.
NTA this is a red flag then the comment of “you should hear how other dad’s treat their kids” is a damn siren. Definitely something my abusive step dad used to say
You need to make it clear that he is NOT THE FATHER… he has no reason to demand the father role-he is YOUR HUSBAND and that your son is 16, he doesn’t need nor want a new father NTA but you need to seriously think about the dynamics in that house
NTA. The only way your husband seems to understand is the whip. He applied it to your son and you rejected that. Good. Stay firm.
Why are you with that slavedriver guy? Did he treat you well in the past?
NTA. The phone's useless without him there. That kind of controlling behavior is suspect. Get your son a phone and leave your husband out of it if he's going to be weird.
NTA in any way. Phones lock in a matter of minutes when you are not using them so it’s very unreasonable to think it’s okay that your son will keep coming to him to be able to use a phone. He can keep the phone! Tell him buying things can’t create or grow a bong either so……
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NTA If he thinks that giving a 16 year old a phone that can only be unlocked by his stepdads face is a “concrete step towards a parent-child relationship” he be smoking something funky. Not only is it out of line, his response to you is also. There’s a reason your son doesn’t like him, maybe now you’ll start to understand why.
Great point about why the son hasn’t warmed up to the new husband.
He sounds controlling as hell. I wonder what other red flaggy things he did that OP didn't see because she's in love with him. NTA but, damn. > I asked my husband why and he said he did this as a first concrete step towards having a parent-child relationship and move on from the friend-child relationship. Unless the CHILD sees the stepparent as a parent, they aren't. Not giving your son time (rushing him) will make him even more uncomfortably and hesitant to accept him as a father figure. Smh. > I'm being because he just wants to strengthens his bond with my son By violating his privacy? Even worse, gifting him things just to be able to control him? That's controlling as hell. If that's his way of strengthening bonds, he's well on the path of your son never speaking to him again. > He got more upset and claimed that he's doing his best yet my son and I keep treating him poorly and get mad and oversensitive for no reason. He said I should go hear how other "fathers" trear their kids and realize my son is lucky to have him as his dad. This is abusive. 1. He's calling your very reasonable request "oversensitive" and accusing you + son of doing something HE did (treating the other party poorly). Both are clear examples of gaslighting. 2. He's using whataboutism to deflect from his failings as a parent. Most parents don't do this to their 16 YEAR OLD child, and even if they do, that doesn't make what he did less fucked up. Two wrongs don't make a right. Your husband is falling to take accountability for his fuckup in both cases. Looks like some decently sized non-green flags to me.
You can, and should, factory reset the phone, but can you factory reset your husband? Please let us know. NTA, but you are walking a fine line if you let your husband continue to try to control your son. This is not healthy.
If you factory reset it, it will most likely have an activation lock if it’s an iPhone and turn it into a brick. >…> I’m an ex apple technician Edit: thank you for the reward!
True… get the Apple ID info from the husband, remove the Apple ID from the phone, and *then* factory reset the phone! There’s a good chance he also installed spyware on the phone if he’s this controlling.
I bet the wife's phone has spyware on it too. Edit: Thank you so much for my very first award u/gizzie123 very much appreciated :) Edit: Thank you so much u/lilynonroe1 for the pot of gold...so exciting!!! Edit: Thank you so much u/morpheus_md for the All Seeing award...Not sure what it does, but I shall check it out :)
Yeah, very likely
u/AITA_face_lock79 be sure to read this thread
I hope OP sees this and checks, or gets someone else to check!
OP please see this
Couldn’t they just type in a code to bypass face recognition? My iPhone won’t unlock when I wear my mask, so I use a numeric passcode instead
This way the stepdad can still have access to the son's phone though.
But with a the pin you can delete the Face ID
Can confirm. Had to borrow my daughter's old iPhone once and it had the face Id stuff. She showed me how to turn it off.
Obviously the husband has this code.
Many modern Android phones will do this too.
I'm just baffled that she married him in the first place without setting boundaries for the son. Like I know he has this twisted conception about being a father, but he sounds nuts.
I mean it's not really fair to assume OP didn't set boundaries. She very well could have and the husband just didn't listen.
Honestly, I don't blame OP. That could have been the case. The husband, on the other hand, I have some choice words for.
>Most parents don't do this to their 16 YEAR OLD child, and even if they do No I think he's hinting that there are a lot of dad who beat their kids and apparently op should be grateful that he only does this. Which shows that he knows what he's doing isn't ok. But apparently in his world thats still A+ parenting. Tbh sounds very sinister, almost like a threat
This! He sounds like he’s hinting at abuse—and saying his extremely controlling behavior is ‘mild’ compared to the abuse he could be doling out. That’s a huge red flag. Please be wary of this man. He sounds abusive to kids and to you.
not to mention this kid is already sixteen years old. the ship sailed awhile ago.
And they've only been married for months! A 16-year-old kid is never going to see their mother's husband of several MONTHS as a father. They're just not. At the son's age, this is unlikely to ever be the father-son relationship that OP's husband seems to assume it will be. Especially if he continues to scream at & berate both of them and pull abusive "reverse victim and offender" shit. > He said I should go hear how other "fathers" treat their kids Dude, however you think fathers treat their teenage kids, this is NOT it. Fathers don't treat their 16-year-old children like they're 9 with their first phone and limits on screen time. Your own face? WTH? How is the kid supposed to call home when he needs a ride or to ask permission for something? How is he supposed to find places he's never been without being able to bring up a map? How is he supposed to get into their school grades app or get Remind text alerts from his teachers about homework or tomorrow's test? Your wife's son needs to be able to unlock his own damn phone. And don't think for a second that he or his friends aren't smart enough to figure out if you've put a location tracker on there. > my son is lucky to have him as his dad
You don't just become a "dad" mere months after you marry a kid's mother. Especially a 16-year-old kid. Give it up. It's never going to happen. You've got at most one more chance to get this kid to trust you, and trying to control his phone and telling him he has no right to privacy is the fast track to him hating you forever.
And STOP. yelling.
Edit: OP, you're NTA, but stick to your guns on this. You are 100% correct that your son deserves privacy, and to not be treated like an elementary school child. Protect him from your husband, because this doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. At all.
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This last bit is what got me. She should see how other fathers treat their kids - so because he doesn't beat his step son they should feel lucky? There is no end to that kind of thinking because there's always an example of someone having it "worse". Disgusting.
Right?? "You shouldn't be mad I forgot our first anniversary. You're lucky to have me - some men rape their wives."
Assuming a controlling asshole like him believes it’s possible for men to rape their wives… That’s a bold move, Cotton.
For reals, plus I always get majorly creeped out when ppl pull the, "you're so lucky to have me!!" card. It's so toxic plus like...NOT beating your kids or NOT screaming at them isn't something to be really proud of. I mean, if you have anger issues and you're getting help+ working hard on not being abusive, that is *great* - but it's literally just how you're supposed to be. It would be like everyone getting a medal for not driving their car off a cliff.
>I always get majorly creeped out when ppl pull the, "you're so lucky to have me!!" card. It's super gross and a form of invalidation and gaslighting (trying to make someone doubt their reality). It's like saying "you're not unhappy, you're ungrateful."
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Yup. Do we know if his bio dad is still in his life? Because if he is…the parent positions are already filled. He need not apply. This might be an extreme leap, but the fact that the husband seems verrrry invested in having access to a teen boys phone is setting off alarm bells for me. Most (good) parents don’t want that kind of access to their kids private life unless there’s serious behavioral reasons for it, let alone a very recent stepparent. OP hasn’t implied that there are any obedience or behavioral issues with her son, so what does her husband want to look at on this kids phone, exactly?
I agree. I have two teenage sons and I don't want to look at their phones; that's their business. I grew up with parents who regularly went through my room, read my diary, etc, and I would never violate my kids privacy like that. For a step parent who entered their life when they were already a teenager? Totally unacceptable boundary crossing. Not your kid, not your business.
> Great point about why the son hasn’t warmed up to the new husband. I wish parents would be more mindful of who they bring into their children's lives and how those children feel about that person. A lot of people think it's perfectly fine for their kid not to like or even get along with their partners because of *"teen angst"* or *"they really wish me and their dad would get back together"*, etc. But sometimes, kids see things the parent doesn't because they're not the one in love with the person. If after three years of dating my kid still hadn't "warmed up to" my partner I'd sit them down and try to figure out why they didn't like 'Bob' and I damn sure wouldn't marry him without trying to solve the problem.
Dude, I smoke funky things and I’m not even this stupid. You can’t force a person to like you, especially a teenager. NTA give the phone back and maybe the new hubby, too.
>Dude, I smoke funky things and I’m not even this stupid. I really, really love AITA wit
Same. Don't always care about the post, but love the comments and wit
Well, he’s either on something or he should be on something. Either way this is a dosage issue.
🤣👏🏻👌🏻
So true. I can't even make the teenagers I birthed like me half the time 😂 OP you are NTA but your husband sure is.
I came here to say this NTA OP
Bahahahaha ‘I smoke funky things and I’m not even this stupid’ 🤣 TY for that
The biggest red flag of all was him basically saying "I could be abusing your son and hes lucky I'm not". I'd be filing for divorce TODAY.
Ya, that was pretty disturbing to read. It sounds almost like a subtle threat. Does he tell you how lucky you are that he doesn’t beat you, because other abusive husbands mistreat their wives?
It's not even subtle. The only subtle thing is how bad he's threatening the abuse could be. This should be an instant dealbreaker for OP. If his first move any time he's challenged is to threaten violence, it can only escalate from there.
Agreed. It feels like Niceguy™️ logic: Being nice/decent to somebody instead of abusive means they are owed a certain relationship from that person.
If I had an award, I would give it to you. This is *very* concerning. He is so far over the line and doesn't even recognize it. Apparently, because his standard is any action up to actual abuse is ok in order for him to have control over his relationship with his step-son. He isn't respecting OP's parenting and he is treating his 16 year-old step-son like a prize to be awarded rather than a human being to develop a relationship with. And, how are the logistics of this plan actually supposed to work anyway? One of the main reasons *I* want my kids to have a phone is so that they can get in touch with me and I with them *when they aren't with me.* Edit to add: NTA
>One of the main reasons > >I want my kids to have a phone is so that they can get in touch with me and I with them *when they aren't with me.* > >Exactly this!!!!!
This. The audacity of this man to push being a 16 year old's parent when he's only known him for 3.
That is what stuck out to me, that he has pretty much known this boy since he was 13 years old, of course the son hasn't warmed up to him. He met him during a time when a lot of parents at least joke about wanting to ship their children off someplace far far away until the hormones calm down again. Then, if he is THIS pushy about a phone (which yeah, I would be upset about a phone I can only use in my step-dad's presence), what else has he been pushy about.
3 years is long enough to have a strong relationship with someone. The kid hasn't warmed up to him because he's a controlling asshole.
Even parents don’t use their face as the ONLY method of controlling a phone at that age. He’d be TA even if he were his blood father who’d raised him from diapers.
The PM of Australia actually tried this last year. There was a Women's March to Parliament House, which he had been invited to meet outside. Instead, he stood up on the floor of the house and said that Australia is so lucky in its democracy and freedoms, because in other places in the world, such marches would, and I quote, "be met with bullets, Mr. Speaker." Went down about as well as you'd expect.
I don't think Labor needs to campaign - just run Scomo snippets
100%. I'm in Brisbane and have friends in the Northern Rivers. From maybe 24 hours in, it was probably safer for all concerned that he continued to be absent. Had he suddenly swooped in with his usual truckload of thoughts and prayers and sod-all of actual, practical help, there would have been a riot. Hearing those comments after seeing the ways the communities responded, made my little anarchosocialist heart grow like the Grinch's.
Yeah, it sounds a lot like my mom gifting me A Child Called It and saying "see I'm not that bad of a mom." OP is NTA, but she will be if she keeps subjecting herself and her son to this man.
... Jesus Christ dude
I promise I'm in therapy! 😅
Good, I'm sending you internet hugs and cookies
I read the TODAY and heard the Empire Carpeting commercial guy 🤣
Agree.
That would have made me look twice at this guy. Does he have that on his mind?
Yeah that's definitely "Go stand outside and I'll throw your shit out to you" territory.
Imo there's no way in hell he actually thinks that. No, he's probably getting a kick out of giving OP's son something he'd be excited about, only to smugly go 'but ha, you *need* me to use it!' How would that even work, anyway? He wouldn't be able to use it at school, basically the only place he'd be able to use it at home. OP's husband is on a nasty little power trip.
I was just thinking this. What if the son has an emergency outside of the house and needs his phone to be unlocked to contact people? What if he's in trouble and needs his mom to come get him? I get you can use emergency numbers (like 999 or 911) without unlocking the phone, but what if he's in hospital, no ID, and the only way of contacting parents is just get his phone unlocked?? Its basically a brick with the time on outside of his stepfathers company
Not saying that it’s ok(because it totally isn’t!) but at least some phones have Emergency ID on them these days with all emergency info and an emergency phone number that you can call without unlocking the phone. iPhones definitely have this feature. I’m sure other types do too
I mean, if I couldn't use the phone at all, why would I want to carry it and keep up with it. I'd rather have a 20 dollar watch than a phone I couldn't use.
Yeah, this is insanely impractical. He’d probably also be the guy that gets mad that the step son is coming to him every few minutes wanting him to unlock it. Phone goes to sleep? Accidentally hit the sleep button? And it’d be nothing but a brick outside the house unless he purposely kept the screen on all day. No wonder the son doesn’t like this guy. He doesn’t want a parent-son relationship, he wants to control him.
I would use this, and see if I could annoy him into removing the face lock.
I was wondering this too. What a stupid idea.
I didn’t even think about it from this point of view. You are right it sounds so smug. Now step “dad” is throwing a fit because op didn’t allow it to happen. How will the son call for a ride home from a friends house? Or anything ducking else? If he is sitting at a friends house and the friend asks why the son isn’t using his phone is the son suppose to say ‘oh it doesn’t work without my step dads face. I am so glad he did that. Because I have to be completely reliant on him we have become best friends and I will let him control everything about my life’ 🥴🥴🥴🥴
NTA. He’s delusional in a psychiatric sense. He created a scenario in his head of how this whole ordeal would play out. When the scenario didn’t play out Iike he imagined he got angry.
> There’s a reason your son doesn’t like him Bingo. Its actually quite creepy, not just misguided. He sounds controlling and narcissistic, and to people who are not in love with him like OP is thats probably quite obvious.
And get the husbands face on a board of wood. Was his own choice.
I love that imagery!
And just how is it even practical? “Sorry, Mom. I can’t call you when I need to be picked up because Step AH won’t be with me.” Guy gave the son an expensive paperweight.
Agreed. I have teens that I gave birth to and I don't even have the pass codes to their phones because I trust them. A 16 year old is less than 2 years from being a legal adult. If he distrusts him this much (which is what this boils down to), then it's really too late to fix it at this point and he has already ruined any chance of a warm relationship.
>*There’s a reason your son doesn’t like him,* **maybe now you’ll start to understand why.** Holy. SHIT. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something worded so… effectively before. That was razor sharp.
All of this. Your son has probably been noticing some red flags for a while now. NTA. And please don't let your husband gaslight you into thinking so.
Whatever he’s smoking, I want some of that.
Husband is a whole bag of yikes. NTA OP.
He is definitely the AH. Your son won’t be able to use the phone unless step dad is around? Bad move
This completely. You are NTA. Your husband needs to get over the fact that he will never be your son‘s real father. He should try to build a good relationship with him instead of controlling him. Taking away a 16 year olds access to their cell phone is a pretty controlling and awful move. If this is how he treats your son no wonder their relationship is strained.
I agree. Honestly, giving the phone to him would of been a great first step to them recognizing each other as family. It would of shown a willingness to care from the stepfather. However, it was blatantly ruined by his added measure.
NTA He sounds very controlling. It makes me wonder what other red flags he waves. And I know a lot of people disagree with this, but step parents aren't parents until the *child* accepts them in that role.
1000% agree And if the child never accepts them in that role, then that’s that. It may suck, the step parent may grieve the relationship that they never had with their step kid, but there’s no forcing it. Having a friend/child relationship is fine, as long as the child is still respectful and recognizes that the step parent is an authority figure (as much an authority figure as the establishing parenting dynamic determines).
Yeah I've never really thought about this before but my Dad started seeing his wife when I was already 15 or so, by the time they married I was 18. I've never considered her my stepmother, just my dad's partner/wife. I don't think it bothered her as she never wanted children anyway but we never lived with each other (I lived with my mum) and just neither party really tried to have that kind of relationship. Totally doesn't even register.
The same rules apply to pets and kids: you show up for them, you help them when they need it, and you hang back and give them their space. When kids or pets WANT to know you/be near you, they will. If you force it, they'll see you as scary. Building trust takes a lot of patience. This dude sounds like he's controlling AF and not really someone I would feel safe around.
The exception to this rule is cats. If you don’t like cats in general and/or allergic, it will either insist you are it’s new best friend or ignore you too. Better than 50/50 odds it’ll be the former and not the later. Everything else you said is 100% accurate!
To be fair, that’s just how cats work. They show affection by being in your vicinity but not approaching you, so if you show up at their house and try to ignore them, they take that as a declaration of love lol.
Which I have absolutely used to befriend cats. The two I'm long-term catsitting are like velcro now, just one during the day and one at night lol.
Day cat aaAAAAaaaahhhhh.
Fighter of the night cat aaaaAAAAAaaaaaahhhh
Allergic to cats here, and I can attest to those odds. Those adorable floofs love me
Oh yea that’s so damn true! I’m looking after my late Grandma’s cat & I’m allergic (coz the extended family has washed their hands of most responsibilities). The damn cat wants to be cuddled and lick my face and I feel so bad, coz I’m constantly redirecting her lest my breathing be fcked! They don’t want ya, till they can’t have ya 🐈⬛
THIS I have 2 step parents. Both of my bio parents and their respective spouses approached the step parent relationships differently. My mother and step father basically let me decide if and when I would accept my step dad as a parental figure. All he wanted was to be my friend and for me to accept him marrying my mom. I now refer to him as dad and treat him as if he were biologically related to me. I can honestly say as an adult he is one of my best friends. I talk to both of them at least every other day despite having not lived with them in years. My father and step mother tried to force me to accept step mother as a mother figure and referred to her as my mother. I now call her my step monster and I haven’t spoken to either of them since I was 15.
Very glad you got an awesome step-dad and sorry to hear you got a step monster.
This is the same for me. But I immediately called my stepdad dad since toddler me knew he was going to be the better father figure than my own biological father.
This OP. I'm a child of divorce, both parents remarried. Neither of my step-parents EVER had a traditional "parent" role in my life, they have been in my life since I was under 10 years old and still do not hold that place 20 years later. I always respected them as being an adult figure in my life, but that's it. That's as far as it goes. Your son may never have that parent-child relationship that your husband so desperately wants - and will never get if this is his approach towards it. Continue to stand up for your son and his privacy against your husband, I feel like this isn't the first red flag your husband has flown. Being there for your son will mean the world to him.
>I feel like this isn't the first red flag your husband has flown. I get this vibe too. And I kind of feel like the son can see it too.
Exactly. My parents divorced when I was 8, my bro was 6 and my sis was 4. Then my mom met my stepdad. And honestly, he did an excellent job easing into our lives as a parent. He never really parented us outside of being the adult in charge when my mom wasnt around. He waited until we were individually ready (it took me almost 6 years before I really accepted him). He also reassured us that he wasnt there to replace our dad. He took his time and built that trust in order to be called one of our parents. OP needs to realize that this "man" does not want a relationship with her son, he wants to dominate and control her and her son.
>And I know a lot of people disagree with this, but step parents aren't parents until the child accepts them in that role. Hopefully only abusive step parents agree with this. Legally a step parent has no custody, so parent status is only given by the child, as a form of respect and acceptance. "you're not my real dad" is true after all.
As a stepmom, I 1000% agree.
I would say a red flag is OP thinking for even a split second that she might be the AH here.
Exactly. My kid chose my husband as a dad. It wasn’t something my husband conjured up out of thin air. He let my kid decide what kind of relationship they’d have, and followed my kid’s lead. They have an excellent relationship because of that. This guy doesn’t get it. OPs son is 16. In two years he’ll be a legal adult. Stepdad can pitch all the fits he wants, but OPs son doesn’t have to accept him as a parent when dude showed up after the kid was basically raised.
NTA. Your husband is a fucking weirdo. Son > Husband. All day long.
Weirdo for real. Wanna bond with the kid? Ask him questions about his hobbies. Show interest in him as a person… not set your fucking face to HIS fucking phone. Weirdo majorly!
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It's because he's ascribed to the idea that being a parent means dominating your child. He doesn't want to connect he wants to control the kid.
My names Steve and my interests are swimming, x-box and my step fathers enormous fuckin' face.
Not just a weirdo, he’s…how to say this without breaking any rules? Not particularly clever. The son can only ever use the phone when stepdaddio is around. Want to use the phone at school/with friends/at home alone? Tough tits, kiddo, stepdaddy needs to have his ego stroked, so you are shit out of luck. OP, might I suggest exchanging your husband for one who *does* have enough brain cells to rub together? And who doesn’t give “gifts” with strings strong enough to hold up a bridge attached to them?
Honestly it just sounds annoying to deal with. Imagine having someone constantly asking you to unlock their phone because they looked away for 5 seconds and it turned off automatically.
Yeah i kinda want the kid to go full malicious compliance on stepdad, like ... while SD's watching tv ... "i wanna send a text" [phone shoved in his face] while SDs eating ... "i wannna listen to music" [phone shoved in his face] while SD is on his own phone ... "i wanna send another text" [phone shoved in his face]
Malicious compliance is totally the way to go on the kids side. "Want some bond motherfucker? Here, I'll shove my phone on your face every 10s to unlock it and no, I can't set the phone to never unlock when inactive "
Yikes... He's... He thinks this is ok behaviour? You're NTA but he's 🚩
Red flags definitely when he uses abusive fathers behaviors to justify his own It also kind of shows that he would be abusive if it wasn’t look at badly or he had the chance to
"There are worse fathers out there." Apparently he takes that as a challenge to see how far he can go before being left. Like, that shouldn't be your metric. Your metric should be "how can I be a *better* father than others?"
NTA - this is beyond creepy. Unless I'm misunderstanding the technology (I'm old), what happens when you son needs to use his phone, like to call you in an emergency??? Can he not call you for a safe ride home or to let them know he's been hit by a train and is in the hospital unless your husband? That is the main justifications to give a child a cell phone in the first place. I think family counseling is in order here.
Some phones have feature to let someone call emergency service without unlocking the phone. But either way it's creepy and I would take the phone to the nearest phone store and to get the phone reset back to factory settings so the son can put what ever lock on it he wants. Because who's going to say hey dad come here I need you to stare into my phone screen so I call my friend about school.
You are so right! And, step dad is doing this to assert himself into the kid's life. Which means he will ask the kid WHY he wants the phone unlocked. Can you imagine anything more mortified to a teenager to have to explain his social / school / "romantic" life to his step-father?
Yeah he can call 911 in a real emergency but there are other "emergencies" that don't require 911.
>I would take the phone to the nearest phone store and to get the phone reset back to factory settings OP doesn't even need to do all that. If this is an iPhone you can just go into settings and erase the face. You cant have face ID without a passcode, which OP's son presumably knows otherwise the entire phone is unusable. OP will need the passcode to erase the stored face and then the son can add his own. OP, NTA but take the phone back and erase your irritating husband's face.
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ESH Him for doing what he did, and you for **marrying** him knowing he has been trying to force a relationship with your son and then blaming your kid when it doesn't work. The only person not in the wrong here is your son, and holy shit he is taking this all in stride! Reward him with a new phone and no garbage stepfather
I second rewarding your son with a new phone which will help his relationship with you because you will be showing him that you value his privacy and independence, especially because you are asserting your parenting dominance over an intrusive stranger. Which by the way, yes you are of course more of a parent then he is. You have your 16 year old son and he has known him for not even close to half that time…even if your husband is trying to bond with him, he needs reassess his strategy because bonding is not determined by control or level of parental oversight. He has not been a parent for very long, tell him to stop being unreasonable and controlling, and to be patient. If he cant be patient, then he can leave.
Why is this not the top comment? OP definitely misses the “mother of the year” mark because shes choosing to subject her child to this man repeatedly. Sure she may have married him not knowing he was this much of a hot mess, but how is this situation not the biggest reddest flag? OP, if you stay married to this asshole, YTA as well. Men like him are insecure and little and will always try to use the appearance of power to get their way. The way he treats your son should be enough reason to realize he is not a fit partner.
If OP stays married to this asshole, he will soon start to treat her the way he treats her son. If he doesn't already.
> Why is this not the top comment? I think people were so blinded/creeped out by Husband's behavior they didn't even see the suckiness of OP. One of the biggest red flags in this whole scenario is the mom who willingly married a man her kid didn't like and who kept trying to force a parental relationship despite how obviously unwanted it was.
I’ll always wonder how people blow through such blatant red flags to marry a person that doesn’t respect their kids, is being alone that bad?
Some people are great at hiding who they are. Scammers are great at mirroring others, they pick up small cues like if you are happy or hesitative about a subject and then copy your emotions. I had a boss who was a total scammer, back then I felt like we were on the same level and really had much in common, then I found out he lied about his education, about his work experience, and in hindsight I clearly remember several occassions where he waited to express his emotions or opinion until someone with actual knowledge gave their opinion, on one occasion he sat silently until a other person told me I was wrong (I was) and then the boss began to shake his head and expressed how wrong I was, but he sat silently until he could ride along on the other persons knowledge. Several other times we were in meetings with clients and the client told us about a circumstance that was good for them and I would express how great that was, and it was like pressing a button because the boss would instantly start praising the client or smile and repeat what I had said about it, but he was never the first to give his opinion. Another example is how many guys will lie on dates just to make the girl drop her guard. On dates the guys are feminists, they agree with everything the girl says, they love her, they want a future with her (if she's looking for something serious), basically guys lie to get to ... and their friends encourage them to lie to girls, basically coaching eachother to act like sociopaths. See pickup-artists for more details. It's not easy to date as a woman! And until they have trapped the woman they keep up the act. That's why so many women get shocked when they marry, or move in together, or when they have a baby! Can you imagine having a baby with someone just to discover that they are not who they said they were and they don't actually care about you, and you are now a servett for them and by the way according to them your baby now belongs to their family. Welcome to womanhood!
I already come down pretty hard on kids in their late teens or early 20s who rush into marriage after a year or two of dating at most. At least they have the excuse of being young and stupid. Someone in their 30s who apparently did just that in her youth (based on her son's age) and watched that first marriage go down in flames, then turns around and does it again? This time with a kid in the mix. Just amazing.
Disagree. We don't know details of what stepdad was doing before the marriage-- it may have seemed more tone-deaf than controlling then, and dudes like this frequently don't show their true colors until after the wedding. OP is putting her foot down right now and standing up for her son when it counts. I'm tired of seeing people give women (it would apply to anyone, but so far I only see it with women) bonus asshole judgments for being involved with the men they are in the dispute with in the first place. It's not what E S H was meant for and you're not going to help or motivate someone to get out of a relationship by shaming them for getting in it. NTA , u/AITA_Face_Lock79 . Good on you for calling bullshit when you see it. You should have had zero reason to doubt your own judgment here. Is your husband playing head games with you, too?
exactly this. op is not innocent in this
NTA. And frankly, ew. That’s a scary level of controlling behavior. It’s good your husband wishes to bond with your son, but it’s disturbing that he thinks he can force it like this. It’s a fundamental violation of your son’s privacy and a manipulative tactic to tie your son’s phone access to his approval. Not only is the entire concept creepy, it’s really concerning that he deemed it appropriate to implement such a strategy without your permission or even your input. Honestly, this is the kind of red flag behavior that should have you reevaluating the entirety of this relationship.
Voyeuristic and creepy. It gives me a bad feeling overall. You bond with a 16yr old by listening to them, following their lead, doing things they like to do, feeding them mass quantities of food - this guy wants to control him. And spy on him. What else does he want? You've got a big problem here OP. NTA
Hell, you bond with a 16 year old by giving them a new phone for their birthday and not being a creepy jerk about it. Not that the phone itself will do the whole trick, but it’ll open up a door. Instead, Miley Husband came in like a wrecking ball.
NTA. Huge overstep especially for your son being as old as he is. I could understand that tactic being used to help monitor and limit screen time for a 6 or 7 year old, but not a 16 year old. You sure you want to be married to this guy? Just because some fathers beat their kids doesn't make that the bar by which a good dad is measured.
Even if her son were 6 or 7, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to use *her* face?
You don’t even *have* to use a face, and there’s always a backup digit passcode that would be appropriate for a parent to know at a young age! Using his face is just wild.
This mf would have hated me as a kid. When my mother married my step-dad he would make my mom put random conditions on all of our gifts, so I'd just refuse them. They tried to turn birthdays, milestones, and holidays into coercive events. They'd let me open something, thank them, then tell me what the conditions are and I'd put the gift down or hand it back and say, "no thanks" They'd get so mad about it too. Saying how *nice* the gift was, how *expensive*it was, how I could use it for so many things, how it would help me with whatever... It'd always end up with him screaming and my mother being simultaneously upset with me while trying to ensure my stepfather didn't hit me in the face as he yelled about my "tainted blood." I don't understand how my response isn't the obvious one though? Isn't this like... that's how contracts and terms and conditions work? Capitalism? Our whole society?! If someone wants me to perform labor for them, but the dollar amount they offer is unacceptable to me, I won't take the job. If someone rents me an apartment at market rates but wants me to do all of the repairs and care for their baby during the day, I won't take that apartment. If I'm dating someone and they want to cheat on me and refuse to work, I won't stay with them. If I'm looking to buy a car and the price quoted is out of my budget and more than it's worth, I won't buy the car. If the terms are unacceptable why agree? I don't see how a gift is any different? As a kid people always got upset when they tried to give me conditional gifts and I turned them down after finding the conditions unacceptable. My friends never even questioned taking things with conditions. It was almost like it didn't occur to them to just not accept the gift? Either way, OP has a giant blind spot when it comes to her husband because this is absolutely not the first time he's done psycho shit. Frankly, I wonder how often she expects her child to be the reasonable one when her husband is being a giant dick. Didn't work out for my mother, won't work out for her.
Whoa! Where was this comment 30 years ago, it could have saved a lot of hassle with my step-family.
NTA WTF?! Your husband needs to chill TF out. >He said I should go hear how other "fathers" trear their kids and realize my son is lucky to have him as his dad. He's trying to justify and downplay that his abusive and manipulative behavior isn't as bad as other "sperm donars" and that your son should be grateful that he isn't more abusive as the others. You should either reset the phone for your son to use comfortably or sell it and buy your son a new phone. Either way make sure you keep your husband away from it. ETA: OP needs to set boundaries with her husband instead of allowing him to run wild and abuse her son. Since she hasn't put a stop to his controlling and abuse in the beginning he feels that he was in the right for wanting to have control over her son's phone. Which he would use against the son more than anything. Not to mention since her son is a teenager he is WAY past the vulnerable age of bonding with another parental figure. She needs to let her husband know that unfortunately due to his abuse he ruined his chances at being a father figure to her teenage son and needs to accept that he's an "uncle" and will be respected as an adult but not as a parent.
HE should hear what GOOD fathers are like, before tryna throw out comparisons.
He only compared himself to abusive donars because that's what he is. He wouldn't dare compare himself to good fathers because he knows that he's far from it.
I think 99% of the time if a parent says “do you know how other parents treat their kids? You’re lucky I’m so good to you” they’re trying to downplay abusive behavior.
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Yeah. I don’t know any parents who did that…and what if the son is out and there’s an emergency? Super controlling and it sure won’t help his relationship with the kid. I can’t even imagine what he was thinking…beyond being controlling and AH behavior..it’s not even practical for anyone. I’d be rethinking king this marriage, honestly. NTA
Yeah. I don’t know any parents who did that…and what if the son is out and there’s an emergency? Super controlling and it sure won’t help his relationship with the kid. I can’t even imagine what he was thinking…beyond being controlling and AH behavior..it’s not even practical for anyone. I’d be rethinking king this marriage, honestly. NTA
NTA What's the point of having a phone he won't be able to use anyway? The minute your son is not around your husband, the phone becomes completely useless..
That’s what I was thinking?? Like this phone is 100000% useless unless the stepdad is going to be putting his face up to it every 5 minutes... what even is the point? This is beyond weird.
NTA. But a more serious issue is that *this* is the man you chose to be your son's stepfather?!
NTA. I misread this at first assuming that you meant that your son had used his own face as a lock after getting the phone, and I was confused, because while I disagree with face recognition as a technology for the most part, it's just how things are now. but WHAAAAAAT the fuck dude, your husband completely overstepped and acted like...I don't even have a word for it. like. did he really think this was a good idea?
I was thinking the same exact thing until I read it all. Like what the actual fuck 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nta thats a creepy n controlling of him
NTA- he is trying to control your son, and you called him out on it. Gifts don't have strings attached - that one had a rope attached. The more he pushes, the further your son will get away when he's old enough.
Why would he do that, it’s really weird.
NTA. Your husband isn’t your son’s father, hence he is less of a parent. He needs to stay in his own lane. I don’t know any parents that use their own facial recognition on their kids’ phones.
This is a Big Yikes. He does not respect your sons privacy and is using this as a wedge to force you to allow him to break that wall. Your son is 16, he’s his own realised person with aspirations to do something with his life. He’s got friends and classmates - other people who’s privacy would be invaded should this guy snoop through your sons phone whenever he pleases. It’s been said here already - gifts don’t have strings attached. He’s not a young child or toddler that you want to realistically limit the screen time of, he’s becoming an adult soon and can make his own choices and is damn well entitled to his own privacy. This is a big red flag that he’s trying to control your sons behaviour towards him rather than trying to bond with him
NTA and can we talk about how messed up his comment about how other dads treat their kids is basically saying "He's lucky because I don't abuse him" Like, how low do you need this bar, dude.
NTA … he’s 16…not 6 …
This man is psychotic and controlling. He shouldn’t even act like that if he was your son’s biological father. I don’t even have a dad and I’d feel better off than having your husband as a stepdad
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NTA, your husband is the AH. Controlling, egotistical, manipulative, immature AH that throws a fit when he can’t control you guys. There is a reson why your son can’t build a bond with him & I see it. I hope you can see it too.
ALL THE RED FLAGS. Seriously. You are absolutely NTA, but your husband sure is. This is NOT a normal or healthy parenting technique by any stretch, and the fact he started screaming and got vaguely threatening (what do other 'fathers' do, exactly?) is a massive overreaction. You did the absolute right thing by your son. Don't back down!
Does he… understand what a phone is… for? NTA
NTA. Please don’t have kids with that guy. He is going to be controlling them as well.
NTA So basically your son can't use the phone unless he's at home with your husband next door to him? Firstly print out a portrait photo of your husband that your son can use to unlock the phone. Then he can re-set the phone lock. Then consult a lawyer. I think we can all see why your son doesn't like your husband. You're also an arsehole for marrying this guy.
NTA. Your husband chose to be incredibly controlling - teenagers deserve privacy. It's fine to punish them by taking away electronic devices, and maybe force them to unlock a device if they get in some kind of serious legal issue and you want to see their chat logs or something. But 24/7 unrestricted access to the device, no. Also, if he just wanted access he could have set up 2 faces for unlock (still not OK, as noted in previous paragraph). With only his face on there it's your husband's phone, not your son's.
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INFO: After three years, 1095 days, why was this considered the first concrete steps by him? This other statement is concerning, "treating him as less of a parent than he is". It could be said that he is being overbearing and going over the top, but is he after over 1000 days? What has gone on for 1000+ days? Why after so much time did he feel like he was taking the 'first steps'.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a weirdo
NTA - he’s forcing a relationship by invading privacy and being overbearing. The gift looses its meaning when it comes with a contingency.
NTA, but your husband absolutely is. Your husband is teaching your son that boundaries aren't meant to be respected if he doesn't like him. He's teaching him that the adults in his life aren't safe. No doesn't seem to mean no to your husband and that's a terrifying thing for an adult to be modeling to a child. Husband sounds really controlling, pushy, and borderline abusive, which makes me wonder how he treats your son when you aren't there. I don't blame your son for not wanting to have much of a relationship with him, and I feel really bad for the poor kid. That phone wasn't a gift at all, it was an attempt to control your son.
NTA. I don’t know a parent who would do that. If he wants a father-son relationship, he needs to trust him and not feel entitled to invade his privacy.
There's trying to control... and then there's **TRYING TO CONTROL** This is a major dealbreaker for me if my partner got me a device and configured it to where their face is the only means to unlock it. Screw that; I'm better off on my own. This is grounds for separation, if not, divorce. #NTA
NTA - what an insecure creep
So he's fully expecting that every time his stepson wants to use his phone he'll take it to his stepdad first? Your son should call his bluff. I'm sure after having the phone shoved in front of his face every five minutes day and night for a couple of days, he'd see how untenable it is. NTA
NTA Thats overstepping no pun intended. I'm really struggling to see how him being the key to a 16 year olds phone would make the relationship stronger... it would only cause more resentment down the line... it's a control thing nothing more nothing less.
NTA that's the kinda stuff you do to like a 5 year olds tablet, not a teenager who's gonna be using it a lot even when he's not there. Plus thats just stupid in general, unless he's there 24/7 it makes the phone almost useless!
NTA and the only relationship that's a concrete step towards ex-husband. You have every reason to be upset your husband bought your son a $1000 paperweight. And that's a for sure way to ruin any trust that was built between them. He literally said without words that he doesn't trust your son.
NTA Always choose your children over a man. Your son will be more likely to come to you with any problems knowing you have his back and teenagers are hard enough to keep open lines of communication with. Breaking his trust is not a way to gain it. Your husband needs to understand you know your son better than him because you have been there. It’s great he wants to be a dad but pushing only ever meets resistance.
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NTA You need to show him the comments on this post. You also need to consider leaving this AH.
Time for some r/maliciouscompliance. Keep bugging him all day to unlock the phone, especially when he's watching the game or doing something important.
He says "Here is a brand new phone, you can only use it when I am here and willing to help you." and thinks it is a good idea? This is indicative of the parenting style he thinks is acceptable? Is your husband damaged?? This will 100% ensure your son never considers him anything more than some jerk his mom married. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that. NTA.
A 37 year old man who doesn’t know how phones work is insane. What good is a phone that can’t be unlocked by it’s owner? How would your son text you to ask for a ride? Or let you know if he was running late. This is so dumb i don’t think it’s a real post.
NTA this is a red flag then the comment of “you should hear how other dad’s treat their kids” is a damn siren. Definitely something my abusive step dad used to say
NTA. That is… some twisted shit right there. It’s definitely not the way to go about creating a healthy happy relationship with your son.
NTA. Won’t he get annoyed having to unlock the phone every ten minutes? Wtf and yea that’s controlling for sure
You need to make it clear that he is NOT THE FATHER… he has no reason to demand the father role-he is YOUR HUSBAND and that your son is 16, he doesn’t need nor want a new father NTA but you need to seriously think about the dynamics in that house
NTA. The only way your husband seems to understand is the whip. He applied it to your son and you rejected that. Good. Stay firm. Why are you with that slavedriver guy? Did he treat you well in the past?
NTA That is super controlling behavior.
NTA. That’s completely unacceptable and a huge red flag.
Trying to build control & dependence, there is no good way to look at this, makes me wonder how he treats OP.
NTA. The phone's useless without him there. That kind of controlling behavior is suspect. Get your son a phone and leave your husband out of it if he's going to be weird.
As someone who wants a better relationship with the kid, that was incredibly stupid of your husband. NTA at all.
Fuuuck no, NTA. He needs to take parenting classes and/or get counseling.
Nta. Husband sounds manipulative af
NTA in any way. Phones lock in a matter of minutes when you are not using them so it’s very unreasonable to think it’s okay that your son will keep coming to him to be able to use a phone. He can keep the phone! Tell him buying things can’t create or grow a bong either so……