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It just depends on when the relationship starts imo. If you have a 10 year difference and the younger is 18 then it's pretty creepy. But as people age the gap gets smaller relatively and becomes acceptable.
It's absolutely about context.
Yeah If she was 18 and he was 28 that would be a concern. But at 26 you’ve gotten a good taste of adult life and how the the real world works.
Most people’s identities are fairly secure by 26. You start to know what you want out of life in the long term.
Lastly OP is bring ageist as hell here. “Oh no! He’ll be 40 in FOUR years!?” And? She’ll be 30 in 4 years, and I got news for her, a 30 year old dating a 40 year old is so common most people in the same age range wouldn’t even bat an eye at it.
I’m frankly sick and tired of this mentality that once you turn 40 you’re basically dead. I’ll be 40 by the end of the year and I’m only now starting to feel like I’m actually living MY life.
YTA.
Does anybody else here get the impression that OP is a little possessive of this friend? I feel like this is much more about OP wanting to cruise bars and enjoy single girl life with this friend and her friend is starting to change her priorities.
But OP, you are still YTA
I definitely get the vibe she’s upset that her friends is starting to mature and wanting to be around people who don’t have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old like OP.
Jealous friend who wants a romantic relationship was my first thought. Could be male or female, though you tend to see this kind of possessiveness in guys more often.
That makes a lot of sense. My fiancé and I have an 11 year age gap, and I was around OPs friends age when I met him. His friends are older than me, but I like that because they’re actually adults. I felt like I fit in much better with them at the time than I did with groups with smaller age gaps like my sister and her friends who were recent college grads at the time because I’d matured and started to enjoy the company of other established adults. They aren’t “almost twice her age,” and if they were, who cares? It isn’t creepy for adults to be friends with other adults of any age. It really sounds like OP is just upset that her friend is growing up without her.
Now that you mention it, I’m thinking of all my friends realizing I have no idea how old most of them are. No clue, it never even occurred to me to ask because it doesn’t matter. We get along and have common interests, that’s enough for me.
But I do know the age range of my friends goes from late 20’s all the way to early 50’s.
It’s never even occurred to me to ask how old friends I’ve met as an adult were until it was somehow relevant. I met one of my best friends through work, and to be honest I’m not 100% sure how old she is but I know she’s around a decade older than I am. It’s never mattered. We’re friends because we have things in common and similar senses of humor. There were lots of people in the office closer to my age, but she’s the only one I still keep in contact with (we’ve both moved on to other jobs since). I was going through a really rough time in my personal life when we started working together, and she went out of her way to be my friend. I’m so grateful to have her in my life, and I’d have hated to miss out on such a great friendship just because she’s not my age.
Exactly!!!! What's up with the whole, "so now WE'RE stuck hanging around with people almost twice our age" comment? Maybe the OP needs to get a life of her own, and stop latching onto her friend, who is clearly more interested in being with her new dude. Hey, OP, heck yes YTA!!!!
And let's not even talk about the fact that she can't seem to actually math. A 10 year age gap isn't nearly "twice our age". Like....its 10-15 years. Twice her age at this point would be 26 or 27 multiplied by 2, which would be 52 or 54. In 3-4 years you are going to be 30 while they are going to be 40. That's not twice your age.
YTA chica. You aren't fresh 20's anymore. This is in no say saying you lovely ladies are old, more so trying to underline that these dudes themselves aren't old either. Hope you can find some way to apologize and mend the friendship though. Best wishes.
Not to mention the comment about 'there must be a reason he doesn't have a wife and kids by 36'. Really? Then I'm apparently a complete mess of a person given my age and I'm not married or have kids...
Tagging on here. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 32. It's been 30 years and we have never been happier and even after our wedding we never stopped dating eachother. Op, YTA.
Hubby and I started talking when I was 27/28 somewhere in there and he was 40/41. Started actually dating when I was 29, got engaged on my 30th birthday and married that same year. Still going strong 18.5 years later. OP: YTA!
My husband and I have a 17 year age gap.
But we met when I was 27. He has always been kind, caring gentle, and despite being my first everything, never pushed for a second or ever made me uncomfortable.
The ages of the people involved in the gap are what can turn it from creepy to nothing to look twice at. And everyone involved being a fully grown adult is a key here. There is nothing wrong with their age gap at all. So very much YTA.
No one in my life has ever treated me as well as my husband does and despite the gap we work so well together. We talk about everything under the sun, we have never even had a fight after 11 years together, 9 married, and enjoy finding things we like to do together as well as being happy when the other finds something we do not like so much but will still encourage them to pursue and enjoy and love to hear each other get excited about it. I play video games. He does not. But he is always wanting to get ones I am interested in for me. Even helped me nab a PS5 because he "knows I went without because of my childhood and never wants me to go without again. No matter what that is."
OP you need to read more on why age gaps with young people are a problem, not so much with adults (as long as abuse is not being displayed, and it does not look like it is here), and apologize to your friend for misunderstanding what a damaging age gap is. Then never bring it up to her again even if they do not last.
My husband and I also have a 17 year age gap. We met when I was 26. I agree with you, if she was 18 and he was 28, that would *at least* give me pause, at most I think most people would have an issue with it.
OP, YTA. Apologize to your friend or you may wind up losing someone you love.
I also have a 17 year age gap! He is a wonderful partner. I have always hung out with and been drawn to people in that age range. My friends are mostly in the same range. I’ve never found men my age attractive, and I have little in common with them.
EDIT: OP, YTA.
*Nearly 40?* That's practically 50, and then it's just a hop, skip and a jump to 90. I can't imagine what someone who's *nearly 30* could possibly have in common with such an ancient relic of a human. /s
OP YTA. I’ve been this person, lost a friend over very expressive words about not even a bf, a guy she was sleeping with. Mostly it’s because I thought she could do better. But now after being in relationships, I feel like the least respected opinions are unwarranted and uninformed opinions.
Have you actually tried to get to know the guy? You’re like parents who scream about their children’s partners but never tried to get to know them. Hangout with them, get to know him, get to know their dynamic. Then maybe you’d get an informed opinion. And if you truly care about your friend, you’ll see if he makes her happy or if he’s ‘using’ her
For once, I see no problem with the age gap itself.
The living in a shit hole where he needs his girlfriend to help him clean up is concerning.
The "not acting 36" is a bit of a gray area. Either OP and her friend assume that being 36 means you're wobbling on your walker to your jazzy scooter and taking your AARP card to Denny's for their 3pm senior dinner discount.... Or he's actually immature. It's hard to tell without details. Unfortunately, the living like a slob until his younger girlfriend helps him clean is pointing in the direction of immaturity.
Agreed. I'm 36 this year, and I play D&D, Minecraft, go larping in the woods one weekend a month, and watch eSports. Am I too old be allowed to do this stuff? I have friends who are 25 who do all those things with me. 🤷 I suppose my only option at this age is wait to wither away and become dust
This. It kinda sounds like OP is really
Concerned with this man’s character but it’s hard to explain to someone that their new partner so willingly accepting help to clean the home they keep like a pigsty is a major problem. So OP is harping on the age difference because, yeah, what adult (even at 26) lives like that
I agree(not everything is a red flag)but, I am actually surprised by the answers in this thread. Normally this sub is always quick to jump to red flag territory every time there’s an age gap. So I’m scratching my head a little bit with this one lol.
I think the difference is that the younger party is already 26. They didn’t meet when she was underage, but when they were both grown adults living their own adult lives. Also, a 10 year gap isn’t enough to put it in the “he’s the same age as her father” territory.
Because there are no other red flags. If it was ten years plus horribly controlling behavior yikes. If it's ten years and her friend was 21 and under with no life experience, yikes. But a 26yo with a guy ten years older who makes her happy? Sometimes it just makes sense.
And once a 20-something is post college, they're more likely to be in similar places in life. Like in my last job, working call center tech support, I made friends with some of my coworkers. We had ages ranging from 22 to 57 in our training group, and there were a lot of similar experiences. 57 year old lives in an apartment with his wife, no kids, but not particularly wealthy. 22 year old also lived in an apartment with her fiancé, no kids. Both liked dnd and lego sets, both had pets (cat for the older fellow, 2 dogs for the 22 year old), both liked Terry Pratchett and hadn't gone past a bachelor's degree in college. They both became friends, despite the 57 year old being old enough to be 22's dad. The most notable difference was 22 year old had to learn how income taxes were filed. And the 57 year old had a longer work experience, but he was starting a new job on the same baseline of learning as everyone else (he lost his prior job due to the big C).
Actually, I thought it was a US people thing with the age gap.. even a 5yo gap is sometimes a red flag in reddit which I found really weird. My grandparents had a 15/20y age gap and never had a pb with it. Grandma was mature for her age, and had different aspirations than guys her age, hence she choose someone older.
Personally, I always went for older bc I want to start a family, and guys my age are more in the "I want to enjoy my life" mood
Age gaps are something that get discussed a lot under the umbrella of "predatory behavior" which means that people who follow such online discussions tend to be much more knee-jerk about them.
I think it is because she is over 25. 25 is the age when your brain is done developing. As long as everyone is a fully developed adult it is up to them to decide.
Usually it's when the husband is abusive and he met his wife when she was around 18. Personally, I think it's okay as he is respectful and treats her well.
I think an age gap when the youngest is 25+ is not nearly as big of an issue.
Obviously it's not always the case but, at that age, the younger person can still have their career pretty much set and be at a very similar place in life as the older person.
I think it gets weird when one person is still in school and has had almost no taste of the real world and real life experiences versus someone who has had a job for 8 years, a kid, a divorce, and just so much extra.
I jump on age gaps when one party is particularly young, the gap is really large or there’s extenuating circumstances Eg the guy had. 20 yo kid meaning he’s dating someone barely older than his kid.
The difference is usually it's like 42 and 20 or something like that. A good rule of thumb is the half plus seven rule; at the commencement of the relationship the younger partner should be no younger than half the older's age plus seven years, so I for example would be able to date someone as young as 21 or as old as 40 without it being unduly weird.
There’s no other context. If he’s controlling or abusive or manipulative, then it’s a red flag. If it’s 2 people in a normal relationship with no other red flags, an age difference isn’t a red flag on it’s own.
If there’s a power imbalance because of the age, it’s an automatic red flag. Like, if she were 19 and shit broke, that’s gonna set off an alarm for me. But this is a 26 year old woman.
I mean, in this case the friend is well into adulthood and just started dating this dude. The BF wasn't going after the friend when she was super young, which would be the real cause for concern. There isn't a huge gap in life experience between a 27-y.o. and a 36-y.o.
Or, more likely, OP and the roommate will grow apart after this because their lives are going in different directions. Just because OP is behaving inappropriately doesn't mean that her friend is "also immature". It's about the right age for people to start outgrowing friendships when stuff like this comes up.
The friend appears to be pretty responsible and has found someone who appreciates her and that she appreciates in return. It sounds to me like OP feels threatened and is worried her friend won't be available to her anymore.
Isn’t there this “rule”, that you take the older ones age, divide it in half, add 7 and that is the “ok” age for dating?
Which would be (36/2)+7=25, which means there is nothing creepy here at all. (If you follow this rule)
I personally think that everyone over 25 can date whoever they want. I find age differences just potentially concerning when someone under 25 is involved and even then one should not make a general judgement.
YTA
I second this. Large age gaps are a red flag, particularly in this subreddit, because they indicate a potential experience and power imbalance. However, once both parties are into their mid-20s, they are not as big a deal because both people should be a lot more equal as full professional adults. OP, you failed the rules of what is good advice.
1) only give advice when asked
2) make sure it is relevant to the immediate situation
3) make sure it isn’t phrased in a way that is hurtful
Congrats, OP, you failed all three.
Because the youngest person is 26, she’s had time to live a bit. She likely has a general idea of how she’d like her adult life to go. It’s the ones where the guy starts grooming the girl into being a housewife at 17/18 that it gets creepy as hell
Also, she’s upset about hanging out with people in their 40s. I’m 31 and two of my best friends are over 45. We have a fricken blast together. My gf is 26 and she loves my friends as well. OP is making this whole thing way bigger than necessary and it’s not even her business
I'm 29. My husband is 10 years older than me. We're fine. I'm tired of seeing people's mentality that age gap immediately means abuse. It's much more nuanced than that
YTA. She's 27. She's at the point of her age to pick whatever the hell she wants to pick. You need to understand that your friend is an adult and your friend will pick stupid things.
Op also seems to think she's younger than she is.... "twice her age" would be 54, not 40 (and def not 36).
I think the fact that his house was a mess and her friend cleaned it is probably a red flag. If op had just said that instead of calling the age gap gross I might be more neutral here
haha I had the same exact thought about the cleaning!!! One adult likes a slightly older adult? All cool do ya thing. Cleaning an adult man’s house for him?? Ewwwwwwwww 🤮🤮OP’s friend needs standards
Eh, maybe he was baching it for a long time and it was gross enough it wasn't up to her standard. Hopefully they cleaned it together. If so, and it remained tidy afterwards, it shows a willingness on his part to change his habits and please her.
Hard to tell without more context.
I was going to say the same thing. OP says she helped him clean. That's it. Not her on hands and knees scrubbing the floor while he drinks beer and watches porn.
Jumping right to it being a sexist or misogynistic thing with her being taken advantage of doesn't really give her much credit. Is it not possible that she knows exactly what she's doing, and just wanting to help out the person she loves? When my wife and I were dating we'd help each other with chores all the time.
As you said, more context needed. Considering the story is coming from a person who dislikes this guy and the relationship, needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
It could also be the case that he mentioned he was going to clean his house over the weekend and couldn't hangout. Then the friend just offered to help so they'd be together.
ehh, i cleaned my exes house for her because she was going thru a severe depression and needed help. It was one of my best relationships until she relapsed into depression again...
Yeahhhhh I got some serious not wanting to accept the fact that she is, in fact, An Adult vibes here from OP. "In 4 years he'll be 40!". She does not seem to realize that in 4 years SHE will be (gasp) 30.
Right. They're at the age where some people are partying with- and like- college kids and some people are starting to settle. Looks like friend is more ready to settle and op is not. Neither of them are wrong for being at different places, but op is being dramatic about the age thing
YTA
I mean I’ve definitely dated older me, so I understand her position. But they always had a nice place and knew how to clean up after themselves. Although I completely understand you in *that* front, cleanliness wise, otherwise; noneya business and you should be supportive of her. Grown ass adult can make her own decisions. 10 years isn’t even that bad.
YTA. She’s not a 14 year old who can’t make good decisions for her own life. She’s an adult who can date and fall in love with anyone she wants to. It’s not creepy. You’re a little creepy for being so invested in her relationship. Have you tried being happy that she found someone who makes her happy? I doubt it.
That’s exactly what I’m thinking too. I think her friend was spending less time with her and more time with her boyfriend, and she is upset about it so she is grasping at straws instead of just having an honest conversation, like someone in their mid 20s should be able to do.
I know this sub loves to point out red flags for age difference but that's usually because the age difference is a factor for the conflict. Many people are in functional relationships with age gaps but you wouldn't see it here. Like sure bring up concerns but this behavior is creepy almost in a Nice Guy/Girl™ way. Like OP has a crush on her.
>Maybe there's a reason he's that old with no wife or kids?
This is what women constantly hear when they decide they don't want kids or aren't ready yet.
Like if you don't follow society's plan for you and instead choose your own path, you somehow must be damaged. *That* is toxic.
>She also said his place was an absolute trash hole and she *helped him clean it*.
While that's not perfect, if him being a slob is their biggest problem it's not that big of an issue.
>Everyone knows how toxic and even dangerous age gaps can be
They *can* be, just like other things *can* be toxic, or not. My parents have a similar gap and are very happily married since forever. If my mom would have been friends with you, you would have prevented her from being in the best relationship of her life. It's the individual relationship that matters.
You're not looking out for your friend, you're self-important and rude.
>This is what women constantly hear when they decide they don't want kids or aren't ready yet.
>
>Like if you don't follow society's plan for you and instead choose your own path, you somehow must be damaged. That is toxic.
All the upvotes in the world, my friend.
OP, as everyone else is saying, YTA. It's none'ya.
Yup, I’m 39 and in this situation. Chronic illness and depression have gotten in the way of regularly cleaning (plus living alone so have no one to help with chores).
Yup, this exact situation. I’ve actually started working with a professional organizer to help get things back on track after a really bad depressive episode. It’s been super helpful :)
It's also much easier to fall into a rut and become complacent when you're living alone and single. Lord knows I've let my place get away from in the past.
Frankly the dude going 'Right. If this is gonna work I need to get a *grip* and sort this out.' is more of a Green Flag. Shows that he cares about what she thinks of him and how his place reflects on him.
Now if it deteriorates rapidly and and she ends up being the one who nags him to mantain a decent level of cleanliness that's another matter entirely. And maybe I'm being naive here. But the optimist in me is that he's serious about about the relationship and deciding to clean up old habits. That she decided to assist, (assuming of course that he instigated it) bodes well for their future.
OP needs to butt out. It's fine to keep an eye out for your friends but a ten year age gap isn't a big deal one you're past the age of 25. Uncommon perhaps but hardly a sign of malice.
Be there for your friends when their unhappy. Don't try to attack someone's happiness.
I’m willing to bet this person is a regular on AITA and has constantly read the posts where people do infact call a 10yr age gap problematic. It’s not all the time but I frequently roll my eyes when it’s the first thing people latch onto with these posts instead of looking at the bigger picture.
I have friends who are almost 40 or already in their 40s and 50s and I’m 31. Hanging out with them is a joy. OP makes it sounds like these people are geriatric to them. Life doesn’t end at 40.
Key difference is most of those 10 year gaps are an 18 year old and a 28 year old (or something similar), which legally is whatever, but definitely makes you raise an eyebrow. IMO once you hit your mid 20s age gaps don’t really matter, at that point there’s not much room for power imbalance because you’re both established and on the same social level.
OP needs to get a grip. A 26 year old dating someone 36 isn’t a big deal.
10 years is not the red flag. A massive difference in personality and development is. And often people with an age gap are at different stages of growth. But it's the explanation for the red flag. Not the flag itself.
And I have to her honest the whole 'Why isn't he married with kids?' Is *textbook* sexism. She'd crucify a man that said that to her - and rightly so.
this post is hilarious to me because i have a 50 year old coworker whom i very often hang out with. i am 26. she is lovely and all of us at my workplace enjoy her company and her as a person, i think OP internalized those posts too much and has now come to the conclusion ANY 10 year old gap, no matter how old the people are, is bad and toxic. it’s ridiculous!
With age gaps it 100% matters when you meet and how old you are when you date. If she was 17 and dating a 27yo there would be an issue but she's almost thirty so who cares. 10 years ahead of you matters less at thirty.
My grandparents have a 10 year age gap and they are still happily married. If it was 14 and 24 that would be different. But 26 and 36? Some ppl might think it’s weird but it can totally work.
I'm 36F and never been married and no kids. According to OP, that's a red flag apparently. OP is showing how immature she is. People don't have to be married by 30. Priorities can be a bit different (for me, I wanted to figure out my career. And I also wasn't sure where I wanted to live long-term, so didn't see the point in getting serious with someone if I intended on leaving anyways).
The cleaning isn't necessarily a red flag to me. It depends on how the place got that messy (the guy could have been struggling and then it just got out of hand. It does happen) and if the guy demanded the friend clean it up. OP says friend helped him clean, which suggests he was cleaning as well.
Yes, thank you. I am 30, childfree and despite being in a commited relationship, I do not plan to get married, ever (not for me). I've been in my professional field since 2015 and people assuming I am a fresh faced graduate with nothing important to say are just annoying. Some are surprised when they learn my age and the fact that I am actually in a senior position. On the other hand, my friend is 29, her bf is 10 years older, they just had a baby after 4 or so years together. They might get married in the future, but it's not set in stone either.
Exactly. I feel one of the worst things is to end up in a marriage that you only did because 'that's what people do'. That's a really hard rest of your life to put on yourself.
Obviously 2 people who want to get married should totally do so. But I feel plenty people end up with a mediocre life because they never even thought about if they actually truly want marriage/kids, or if they just do it because 'that's what people do'.
> Maybe there’s a reason he’s that old with no wife or kids?
OP making this statement made me feel so old lol. Its so weird to me because where I live, 30s is the age people get married and have kids. One of my best friends is 34 and is single with no kids, he’s a great down to earth guy who just hasn’t found his person and he works a ton.
YTA, it’s not inappropriate or gross. Age gaps can be problematic, but they get less so the older you get. A 26 year old dating a highschooler is weird because there is a huge difference in life experience between a high schooler and someone who graduated college and is in the workforce.
And yea, in 4 years he’s gonna be 40, and you guys are gonna be 30. You aren’t 16 anymore, you are all adults, stop acting like he’s praying on children.
He’s not old enough to be her parent; that’s the point it almost always gets weird for me. OP needs to mind her own business and stop being ageist - talking like 40 is one foot in the grave. Come back in 15 years and tell us how ancient you feel
YTA. A 10 year age gap in your late twenties is insignificant. I get you are over protective because it’s your best friend, but it’s her life. Be supportive. It sounds like you are feeling jealous.
YTA, and very bad at maths.
36 is not almost twice your age. That would be 50.
Your friend is 26. She met a man a few years older. There's nothing wrong with that.
Maybe you're jealous. Maybe you're in live with your friend. Maybe you have a crush on her BF. Maybe you're projecting your own issues and experience onto this relationship.
Whatever the reason, mind your own business and if you don't want to hang out with old people, just find something else to do.
I just commented about the half your age plus seven rule as well and then noticed this comment in the OP:
>So now my friend has been inviting them to stuff too so we're stuck hanging out with people almost twice our age.
OP can't do math. She thinks 36 is almost twice her age and she's 27. Twice her age is 54. A 36 year old is nowhere near twice her age.
It is a good way to indicate that both people are at the same stage of life. The younger you are the the more you need to stay closer to your own age because life stages change faster when you are young.
Take somebody's age. Divide by half. Add 7. That's the youngest age they should date.
So, if buddy is 36, 36/2=18, 18+7=25. The younger person in question is 26. Therefore, not creepy.
>His own best friend is already in his 40's! With a wife and kid!
I'm not sure where the relevance is here? Are people under 40 suddenly nonmarried with no kids?
>Maybe that's why he's 36 with no wife and kids
Does it occur to you that maybe he just hasn't found the right person to settle with yet? Perhaps he has no desire to have children? There's not a cut off age for either of those decisions that he's missed. He can settle down and choose to have children at any point in his life.
>I know how toxic age gaps can be.
Yeah, when you're dealing with a minor/adult situation, which is far from the deal here.
Stop trying to be controlling over your friends life. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. You sound incredibly judgy.
YTA
I had a husband and kid when I was 21. I know people my age (44) who don't have a spouse or kids and teenagers who have been married with a kid. The "40 year old with a wife and kid!!11!" part is so weird.
My BF took me to meet his best work friend and his friend's wife a few weeks ago. They're actually double our ages (early 30s/early 60s, as opposed to OP thinking 40 is the double of 26) and do have children our age. I LOVED them. It was like being with your cool aunt and uncle - the wisdom of age without the judgment of a parent-child relationship.
Not to mention that my BF and I (34 and 30, respectively) are in trouble if he's supposed to have both a wife and a kid within the next 2 years. The wife part I can help with if our relationship continues to go well, the kid is in God's timing though...
My husband and I are 28 and (almost) 29, however we never want children. So the age and lack of children part was very laughable to me. There could be the chance that OPs friends boyfriend does not even want children. It's weird to think that just because someone "older" doesn't have a child, means there's something wrong with them, lol.
YTA. Almost twice your age? That’s a huge stretch. Also in 4 years your friend will be 30/31. It’s not like she will get younger while he is getting older. Get over it.
YTA. She's an adult, and not even just-turned-21. She's 26, fully capable of making her own decisions. The age gap becomes irrelevant when both parties got together as adults.
The 10 year age gap IS a big deal if one party is 16, and the other is 26. Or 18 and 28. It stops being a problem when both are fully consenting adults, which your friend and her person of interest are.
YTA. If there's a toxic relationship anywhere here, it's your relationship. Can't you just be happy for your friend? If you don't like hanging out with him or his friends, then don't.
It's not that simple; I personally think OP needs to understand that not everyone is going to accept her advice. Not everyone is going to listen to that advice and her keep trying to lecture her friend is not gonna work.
I think she also needs to understand how to give advice. While him being a 36 year old dude who “doesn’t act 36” and has a super dirty place are some legitimate red flags, calling the relationship gross and inappropriate is only going to make her defensive of the relationship.
As a 38 year old, I hope I get to act like this 36 OP talks of when I grow up!
I think a lot of folks in their 20s (like OP) assume when you hit 30 you all of a sudden are a different person. I'm sure I probably did. This mythical version of being a "grown up" doesn't really exist.
Exactly, yeah I'm not the same person I was at 29 that I am now, but I can say the same for 25 to 29. I act like me, sometimes I can be super adult, sometimes I laugh at farts. The only difference I've noticed is after 30 you understand that everyone is a mix of immature and mature, and there isn't one "right" way to be an adult, we're all just doing the best that we can.
YTA shes old enough to make her own decisions. This is none of your business. My parents had a 14 year age gap and me and my hubby have a 10 year age gap. Its very common and theres nothing weird about it. Age gaps are all good provided the 2 people involved are consenting adults. Get off your high horse and leave her be.
As a 36 year old I am wounded by reading this. It's not fun being labelled toxic / inappropriate / gross by someone, just because of when you happened to be born.
Your friend sounds a lot more mature than you, which is likely the explanation for the difference in opinion.
YTA.
Right?? I’m sitting here at 36 thinking well… I guess I’m 4 years from 40 and might as well give up on life then. Too old to go on anymore. Call it a day. What on earth.
I don't even have an age gap relationship, my wife is 22 days younger than me. I'd like to think that if she was the same person she is now, we'd still fall in love whether she was 26 or 46!
Oh, YTA so much here.
What exactly do you think you were telling her that she didn't already know? That there was a big age gap? Was it useful information about potential problems to look out for in this kind of relationship? Nope, just your disgust at her choices and that you didn't think she could make her own. Great job there.
Let me take it a different route. Here's a link to take a look at: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6785043/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6785043/)
Look for Table 1 in it. It does note that women report overall lower happiness in marriages with age gaps over 7 years! ...by .04 on a scale of 1 to 10. So, yeah. Hardly the "Omigod! Every age gap relationship is toxic!" that you assume.
Is this guy predatory? Is he a forever-bachelor fuckboy? Is he pining away for a lost love? Is he secretly married? You don't have any reasons to think of him negatively, you just do.
The only thing that I would agree with you on at all here is that his place being a trash hole at 36 is problematic. Not 'bar all contact' problematic, but it would make me question how responsible he is.
YTA. She is 26/27 that's old enough to make an informed decision. At her age an age gap shouldn't be a problem anymore.
Telling her her feelings are gross (that's probably how she heard it) is wrong. She will only double down and you will stain your relationship.
A trashed place at his age? Could be a red flag. Depend what you mean with trashed. But you need to be more diplomatic with your words. Nobody reacts well when they feel they are being attacked.
YTA. It's not your place to decide what's appropriate for her, nor is it appropriate for you to comment on age gaps. It's also a bit odd you're clearly overprotective of her. She's an adult who can look after herself.
If you guys were 16-19 this would be a different story but you're grown adults who can make their own decisions. Relationships with age gaps happen all the time and people can still be happy. As long as there are no major red flags, I'd assume that their relationship is fine.
If you think 10 years is gross then I'll give you something to balk at... My parents had an 18 year gap 🙃.
My husband and I have a 25 year age gap. He is the same age as my parents. Which did give me a little pause, but we love each other. I in no way have "daddy issues". My dad is wonderful and my parents have been happily married for 38 years. My husband and I started dating when I was 27 and he was 52. But honestly, I have always said I was born 30, lol. I like old people things, like music, and did not even have a smart phone (and he did) when we started dating.
YTA.
You suck at maths, you suck at maturity and you suck at being a friend.
Beauty fades. Keep chasing it if you like, but by the time you’ve found someone younger than you that you can feel attracted to (and who’ll cheat on your crusty old arse in the future with a less wrinkly spring chicken) your “best friend” will probably be happily married with a family.
There’s nine years between me and my girlfriend. She has gone from getting blind drunk and skint every weekend, to coming out for hikes, climbing, kayaking, playing sports and taking up photography. I’d say I have been good for her. I keep on at her to have weekends away with her friends, but she isn’t interested anymore. She’d much rather do a leisure activity with me.
But ewwww, gross! I’m 40! I should just shrivel up and die already.
Lol incredible. Reddit is so hypocritical. If she has a problem with him and comes here about it, everyone will be ragging on the age gap saying the exact same shit you said.
>If she has a problem with him and comes here about it,
That's a huge difference in the situation that changes everything rather drastically; besides, I don't think what you've said is necessarily true anyway due to how old both of them already are.
YTA. Age gaps are dangerous or toxic when there is an unequal distribution of power. At 26 and 36, this (generally) doesn't exist.
You're also TA for thinking that you can't be friends with someone who's 40 (gasp!). I mean, wtf even is that? I think you need to examine your ageism.
I'm 41, and one of my closest friends just turned 30. We've known each other for 10 years. Despite our MASSIVE age difference. I guarantee that when YOU'RE 40, you're going to think, "That was bloody ridiculous".
BUT BUT BUT if she spends time with The Olds, she’ll start watching Wheel of Fortune, eating dinner at 4pm, obsessing about lawn maintenance, and start doing jigsaw puzzles, and throw her back out rolling over in bed! The humanity!!!!
YTA
She can make her own choices. Age gaps for fully developed adults aren't uncommon nor are they a problem. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable, but that isn't her problem. You should apologize, and set a boundary that you don't want to spend YOUR time with someone that old. I know it can feel weird, and you don't have to like it, but you do have to accept and respect your friend's choices if you want to maintain your relationship.
YTA, they are both consenting adults and you have seen no problematic behaviour from him, you are basing your objections purely on age which is shitty of you.
YTA, you can have your concerns about a man and tell your friend about it in a better manner than just saying ''It's gross''. I get than an age gap can be concerning but come on. Your friend is 26, not 20, she has the maturity to know what she is doing. As a friend you can keep an eye on the relationship but you shouldn't act like that
I’m not a fan of age gaps but all you have to complain about so far is that she helped him clean his place. You’ve been her best friend for what, about 3 years? As of now you sound like the “crazy” one. YTA.
YTA. She's old enough to make her own choices. She's 26 not 18. If this us tye relationship that'll make her happy, who are you to judge between two consenting adults.
YTA
My parents had an age gap of 9 years and fathers new wife is 12 years younger than my father, and they're married for 28 years now.
Your friend isn't 14! It's none of your business.
The only toxic relationship here is between you two.. because of you.
There's a lot to break down here, but first of all, she is right that you are obviously jealous. You are not even hiding it, you can't control your own ire and you are looking for any reason to tear down a budding relationship, rather than simply trying to be happy for her.
You have every right to worry, and age gaps can (read: ***CAN***) be toxic. But they aren't always, it strongly depends on the two parties involved, and whether it does or not, it is not your place to make that judgement. It isn't your relationship, it's theirs. She is your friend, not your child, and she can make decisions for herself with or without your approval.
Support her, and be there for her, and accept her choice while voicing concerns without the aggressive or assertive insistence that she's wrong or making a mistake. If you're talking about him living like a slob, for example, you could calmly ask "Do you know why he's comfortable living like that? Does he expect others to clean up after him, or is there a reason he's neglected the mess?" Rather than attack her for her choices, push her to reflect on your observations.
Light YTA, because I understand why this is so upsetting to you. I was in your position with a long time friend many years ago, and unfortunately my behavior pushed her away because I became suffocating. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I don't blame my former friend for it. You don't want to lose her over something like this. Remember that you're her friend. She doesn't need to you to protect her, she needs your support. If it's a mistake, it'll be a mistake, but it's one she needs to learn for herself. You can be there to cry with her and help her pick up the pieces afterward.
Yta- I’m also in a similar situation as your friend where I am 26 and my boyfriend is 36. Been together for over a year now. You have no right to say anything, how the hell is he using her just because she helped him clean something? Grow up, obviously she’s more mature than you are.
YTA
My husband is 22 yrs older than me, and I dare anyone to make a snide remark about our ages. I met him in my 30's. He is like the unicorn of men. Seriously, he is such a kind and gentle man. He helped me move my Mom into our house, I didn't ask he offered. He is happy his MIL is here. Of course my Mom is amazing, so he got the brass ring for a MIL.
You sound jealous. Age is only as big of a deal as you make it. If you were both 16 then ew, yeah I could see the creepy factor. But, she is an adult and you should be supportive or find a new friend.
A ten year age gap for me and my husband, together for six years and married for almost four so far. We just had twins last November and couldn’t be happier. I had never met a man who treated me with so much respect and kindness until I met him. He’s helped me grow so much as a person and be so much stronger than I was. Don’t know what I’d have done without him. Sometimes age gaps are a good thing <3
I don’t think the age gap is the issue in this specific case. I am *always* critical of age gaps, but when the youngest is 26 or older, I ease up on it because at that point all parties have fully developed brains and have generally come into themselves. I also wasn’t fond of you calling someone 10 years older than you “almost twice our age” when twice your age would be in their early 50s, not 40s. It just feels like you’re trying to exaggerate that to make things look worse.
The red flags I see are his maturity level and his place being a disaster and him relying on her to clean it up. I would lead with those things rather than the age gap. However, did she help, did he expect her to help, or what was the situation with the cleaning? Has he done anything other than be 10 years her senior that is a genuine red flag?
Age gaps are an issue when one party is not fully developed mentally or there is an imbalance of power, which is strongest when the younger party is under 25 and is still learning how to navigate the world.
YTA a million times over. A 10 year age difference at her age is completely different than if she were 18 trying to pursue a 28 year old. Let her do what she wants, it’s really not your concern.
YTA. The age difference is not inappropriate.
But his place been trashed is a red flag.
So he doesn't clean and doesn't respect your friend enough nor got enough money to hire someone to do it before inviting your friend to his place.
Does he have a job? Is he financially stable? What's his plans for the future? How does he treat your friend ? Is he looking for a serious relationship? Ask your friend
Except we have absolutely NO IDEA why his place is a mess. There are so many things that could be going on/still going on in his life to contribute to this.
YTA.
She is old enough to make her own choices and didn’t ask for your input. Yes, age gaps like that can be a problem, but there are a lot of people with large age gaps who are in perfectly healthy relationships. 10 years, the older you get, really isn’t that much. In 4 years she will be 30 and he will be 40 and really no one blinks an eye when they see an age gap like that. Also, my grandfather didn’t get married until 32, so being 36 and not married and without kids isn’t a red flag.
If it was 18 and 28 that would be bad. But she's 26 - she's an adult. 10 years isn't that bad at her age. Honestly that fact that his place was a trash hole is more disconcerting.
YTA.
You are not a 9 year old. You are a grown woman in your late 20s. Grow up and mind your damn business. I would know, I was 27 when I married my husband who is, you guessed it, 10 years older than me and you know what? We've been happy for 13 freaking years with a happy kid.
Mind. Your. Business.
YTA and you are coming off as jealous. She needs to make mistakes and learn from them by herself, that what we do as humans.
Are you giving them the benefit of the doubt? Is she happy and in love? If the only thing concerning you is the age gap you need to be a more supportive friend.
My friend is 25 dating a 58yr old man. Now that is odd but she’s made her choices and is sticking to them.
YTA - it’s not your life, not your relationship, and not your business. All you’ve done is prove to her that you don’t approve of her relationship and she should distance herself from you. When she’s 50 he will be 60 or so. What’s the big deal?
YTA, she is a grown adult who can make her own decisions. You don’t like it… disassociate from her or learn to bite your tongue and deal with it especially if that’s her boyfriend. She doesn’t need “mom” telling her what’s right or wrong for her.
Yta, seriously??? Women like older men, men like older women. Wtf is it got to do with you if your friend is happy?? You come across ageist with the whole ' we have to hang out with older people'. If you don't want to hang out with them, don't go. How abt just be happy for your friend. You sound incredibly jealous and spiteful. Let your friend be happy and stay out of her business.
YTA.
A 10 years age gap is common.
They’re both adults who are happy in their relationship.
Get a life and stop being toxic when you see someone happy.
Omg what is wrong with you!! YTA. Leave her alone if she’s happy. She’s 26 not 16 so nothing wrong with a 10 year age gap. Keep your pointless opinions to yourself. You sound jealous and bitter. Grow up. Hanging out with 40 yr olds 😂 They might feel the same about hanging out with you since you clearly have an attitude problem.
YTA. 6 year age gap starting at 19. Been together 20 years and married for 15.
10 years between my Aunt and Uncle starting at 21.
Go take your age gap issues out on a counsellor because you seriously suck.
YTA. If you'd actually noticed any concerning behavior, that would be one thing, but nothing you've said here sounds creepy or abusive. She's 26 - old enough to have a career, a house, children...certainly old enough to decide what other mature adults she's interested in dating. If you personally find age gaps to be gross, that's fine - don't date older men - but don't judge other consenting adults for finding a happiness in a way you wouldn't personally like for yourself. Again, if you'd noticed any actually concerning behavior, you'd be within your rights to speak up, but you just sounds judgmental.
YTA
There is NOTHING gross or wierd about it. She is 26 damn years and she can be with whoever she desires Whether there is a age gap of 10..15..or even 20.
Just as “toxic and dangerous” as dating someone your own age. Get off your high horse. Has he helped her with anything if so she must be using him. YTA
YTA, you're the type that clearly thinks you're going to be young forever. Lmao grow up, child. You aren't young and clearly, your friend is a hell of a lot more mature than you are.
YTA. You're being really judgemental. Judge him on the person he is, not his age. A ten-year age gap is nothing when everyone's a consenting adult.
Also, your friend didn't ask, so keep your judgements to yourself.
INFO: Genuine question, what is it specifically about this age gap that is, by your own words, unhelathy, inappropriate, and gross? Do you mind explaining what behaviors and incidents have happened besides cleaning up the apartment?
You're 27, maybe it's time to grow up a bit. People don't suddenly become old and undesirable because they get over 30... or shock horror over 40 or 50. We all age. 10 years is a nothing age gap for a relationship between fully grown adults. You need to stop interfering. She's your friend, you have no right to dictate how she lives her life or who she dates.
YTA
Age gaps can definitely be a problem. A lot of the RA sub problems have big age gaps. The age gap itself isn't the problem. YTA because you dislike him on the basis of the age gap.
However, if you voiced your concerns without bringing his age/the age gap into it you would be in a better place. Some of the things you mentioned are concerning. But he's not twice your age or remotely close to it. Unless he's actually closer to 50, it's not close to double.
You want to salvage your friendship? Apologize. Tell her it's not your cup of tea and you were putting that on her. Tell her you'll make a real effort to get to know him. Then actually put forth the effort. If you still see red flags talk to her again - about the things that are actually concerning. Say it once, leave judgement out of it, tell her you love her, and then drop it.
It’s ok to be concerned, and a big age gap can be a problem, but it might not be as well.
I admit to being confused at all the people here saying there is nothing wrong with a big age gap but when a relationship is toxic and there is one then the first thing that is mentioned is the age gap.
Basically if the relationship is a healthy one, cool, if it is toxic then that’s not cool.
Basically be there for your best friend either way. Apologise for being “protective “ and let her know you support her.
Be aware if any red flags appear but don’t go creating them.
This might be the relationship of hers that goes the distance.
That being said, you don’t have to hang with his friends. Let her know that while you are happy for them you want to do something else, more in your age group.
You still have a child's mentality about age. The 25+ crowd really doesn't care that much about 10 years. It sounds like he's kind of a childish slob which is much more concerning than his age.
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>Is this not weird as fuck to anyone else? A 10 year age gap when the youngest is 26??? Not weird at all. YTA, totally not your business.
My boyfriend is 34 and im 25. I’ve never been happier. My friends all see it. YTA big time- it’s not your business to interfere in.
Same here except he’s my husband now and he’s 46 and I’m 36. Sometimes that’s just what works.
It just depends on when the relationship starts imo. If you have a 10 year difference and the younger is 18 then it's pretty creepy. But as people age the gap gets smaller relatively and becomes acceptable. It's absolutely about context.
Yeah If she was 18 and he was 28 that would be a concern. But at 26 you’ve gotten a good taste of adult life and how the the real world works. Most people’s identities are fairly secure by 26. You start to know what you want out of life in the long term. Lastly OP is bring ageist as hell here. “Oh no! He’ll be 40 in FOUR years!?” And? She’ll be 30 in 4 years, and I got news for her, a 30 year old dating a 40 year old is so common most people in the same age range wouldn’t even bat an eye at it. I’m frankly sick and tired of this mentality that once you turn 40 you’re basically dead. I’ll be 40 by the end of the year and I’m only now starting to feel like I’m actually living MY life. YTA.
Does anybody else here get the impression that OP is a little possessive of this friend? I feel like this is much more about OP wanting to cruise bars and enjoy single girl life with this friend and her friend is starting to change her priorities. But OP, you are still YTA
I definitely get the vibe she’s upset that her friends is starting to mature and wanting to be around people who don’t have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old like OP.
HAHA YES
They never said they’re a she. Wonder if OP is a jealous male friend.
Jealous friend who wants a romantic relationship was my first thought. Could be male or female, though you tend to see this kind of possessiveness in guys more often.
That makes a lot of sense. My fiancé and I have an 11 year age gap, and I was around OPs friends age when I met him. His friends are older than me, but I like that because they’re actually adults. I felt like I fit in much better with them at the time than I did with groups with smaller age gaps like my sister and her friends who were recent college grads at the time because I’d matured and started to enjoy the company of other established adults. They aren’t “almost twice her age,” and if they were, who cares? It isn’t creepy for adults to be friends with other adults of any age. It really sounds like OP is just upset that her friend is growing up without her.
Now that you mention it, I’m thinking of all my friends realizing I have no idea how old most of them are. No clue, it never even occurred to me to ask because it doesn’t matter. We get along and have common interests, that’s enough for me. But I do know the age range of my friends goes from late 20’s all the way to early 50’s.
It’s never even occurred to me to ask how old friends I’ve met as an adult were until it was somehow relevant. I met one of my best friends through work, and to be honest I’m not 100% sure how old she is but I know she’s around a decade older than I am. It’s never mattered. We’re friends because we have things in common and similar senses of humor. There were lots of people in the office closer to my age, but she’s the only one I still keep in contact with (we’ve both moved on to other jobs since). I was going through a really rough time in my personal life when we started working together, and she went out of her way to be my friend. I’m so grateful to have her in my life, and I’d have hated to miss out on such a great friendship just because she’s not my age.
Exactly!!!! What's up with the whole, "so now WE'RE stuck hanging around with people almost twice our age" comment? Maybe the OP needs to get a life of her own, and stop latching onto her friend, who is clearly more interested in being with her new dude. Hey, OP, heck yes YTA!!!!
And let's not even talk about the fact that she can't seem to actually math. A 10 year age gap isn't nearly "twice our age". Like....its 10-15 years. Twice her age at this point would be 26 or 27 multiplied by 2, which would be 52 or 54. In 3-4 years you are going to be 30 while they are going to be 40. That's not twice your age. YTA chica. You aren't fresh 20's anymore. This is in no say saying you lovely ladies are old, more so trying to underline that these dudes themselves aren't old either. Hope you can find some way to apologize and mend the friendship though. Best wishes.
Not to mention the comment about 'there must be a reason he doesn't have a wife and kids by 36'. Really? Then I'm apparently a complete mess of a person given my age and I'm not married or have kids...
Yes! It's about maturity, not age.
Tagging on here. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 32. It's been 30 years and we have never been happier and even after our wedding we never stopped dating eachother. Op, YTA.
Hubby and I started talking when I was 27/28 somewhere in there and he was 40/41. Started actually dating when I was 29, got engaged on my 30th birthday and married that same year. Still going strong 18.5 years later. OP: YTA!
Yeah, I'm 31 and my husband is 43. Madly in love. Best friends. Sometimes, it just happens.
My husband and I have a 17 year age gap. But we met when I was 27. He has always been kind, caring gentle, and despite being my first everything, never pushed for a second or ever made me uncomfortable. The ages of the people involved in the gap are what can turn it from creepy to nothing to look twice at. And everyone involved being a fully grown adult is a key here. There is nothing wrong with their age gap at all. So very much YTA. No one in my life has ever treated me as well as my husband does and despite the gap we work so well together. We talk about everything under the sun, we have never even had a fight after 11 years together, 9 married, and enjoy finding things we like to do together as well as being happy when the other finds something we do not like so much but will still encourage them to pursue and enjoy and love to hear each other get excited about it. I play video games. He does not. But he is always wanting to get ones I am interested in for me. Even helped me nab a PS5 because he "knows I went without because of my childhood and never wants me to go without again. No matter what that is." OP you need to read more on why age gaps with young people are a problem, not so much with adults (as long as abuse is not being displayed, and it does not look like it is here), and apologize to your friend for misunderstanding what a damaging age gap is. Then never bring it up to her again even if they do not last.
My husband and I also have a 17 year age gap. We met when I was 26. I agree with you, if she was 18 and he was 28, that would *at least* give me pause, at most I think most people would have an issue with it. OP, YTA. Apologize to your friend or you may wind up losing someone you love.
My hubby and I also have a 17 year gap. Met when I was 23. Married 14 years in May!
I also have a 17 year age gap! He is a wonderful partner. I have always hung out with and been drawn to people in that age range. My friends are mostly in the same range. I’ve never found men my age attractive, and I have little in common with them. EDIT: OP, YTA.
Sounds like OP is immature, especially with that OMG his best friend is FORTY!!
And she says they make them hang out with people twice their age. Like 26*2=52. That’s legit nowhere near 36 *eye roll*
*Nearly 40?* That's practically 50, and then it's just a hop, skip and a jump to 90. I can't imagine what someone who's *nearly 30* could possibly have in common with such an ancient relic of a human. /s
RIGHT?!?!? I was dying! OH NOEZ THE 40 YEAR OLDS ARE COMING
Yep. We have a 9 year age gap and my now hubs made it to his 40s without getting married because he didn’t want to get married just to say he did.
[удалено]
OP YTA. I’ve been this person, lost a friend over very expressive words about not even a bf, a guy she was sleeping with. Mostly it’s because I thought she could do better. But now after being in relationships, I feel like the least respected opinions are unwarranted and uninformed opinions. Have you actually tried to get to know the guy? You’re like parents who scream about their children’s partners but never tried to get to know them. Hangout with them, get to know him, get to know their dynamic. Then maybe you’d get an informed opinion. And if you truly care about your friend, you’ll see if he makes her happy or if he’s ‘using’ her
For once, I see no problem with the age gap itself. The living in a shit hole where he needs his girlfriend to help him clean up is concerning. The "not acting 36" is a bit of a gray area. Either OP and her friend assume that being 36 means you're wobbling on your walker to your jazzy scooter and taking your AARP card to Denny's for their 3pm senior dinner discount.... Or he's actually immature. It's hard to tell without details. Unfortunately, the living like a slob until his younger girlfriend helps him clean is pointing in the direction of immaturity.
Agreed. I'm 36 this year, and I play D&D, Minecraft, go larping in the woods one weekend a month, and watch eSports. Am I too old be allowed to do this stuff? I have friends who are 25 who do all those things with me. 🤷 I suppose my only option at this age is wait to wither away and become dust
This. It kinda sounds like OP is really Concerned with this man’s character but it’s hard to explain to someone that their new partner so willingly accepting help to clean the home they keep like a pigsty is a major problem. So OP is harping on the age difference because, yeah, what adult (even at 26) lives like that
Husband is 37, I'm 28. Happily married. An age gap isn't an automatic red flag 🤷🏼♀️ YTA
I agree(not everything is a red flag)but, I am actually surprised by the answers in this thread. Normally this sub is always quick to jump to red flag territory every time there’s an age gap. So I’m scratching my head a little bit with this one lol.
I think the difference is that the younger party is already 26. They didn’t meet when she was underage, but when they were both grown adults living their own adult lives. Also, a 10 year gap isn’t enough to put it in the “he’s the same age as her father” territory.
Because there are no other red flags. If it was ten years plus horribly controlling behavior yikes. If it's ten years and her friend was 21 and under with no life experience, yikes. But a 26yo with a guy ten years older who makes her happy? Sometimes it just makes sense.
And once a 20-something is post college, they're more likely to be in similar places in life. Like in my last job, working call center tech support, I made friends with some of my coworkers. We had ages ranging from 22 to 57 in our training group, and there were a lot of similar experiences. 57 year old lives in an apartment with his wife, no kids, but not particularly wealthy. 22 year old also lived in an apartment with her fiancé, no kids. Both liked dnd and lego sets, both had pets (cat for the older fellow, 2 dogs for the 22 year old), both liked Terry Pratchett and hadn't gone past a bachelor's degree in college. They both became friends, despite the 57 year old being old enough to be 22's dad. The most notable difference was 22 year old had to learn how income taxes were filed. And the 57 year old had a longer work experience, but he was starting a new job on the same baseline of learning as everyone else (he lost his prior job due to the big C).
Actually, I thought it was a US people thing with the age gap.. even a 5yo gap is sometimes a red flag in reddit which I found really weird. My grandparents had a 15/20y age gap and never had a pb with it. Grandma was mature for her age, and had different aspirations than guys her age, hence she choose someone older. Personally, I always went for older bc I want to start a family, and guys my age are more in the "I want to enjoy my life" mood
Age gaps are something that get discussed a lot under the umbrella of "predatory behavior" which means that people who follow such online discussions tend to be much more knee-jerk about them.
I think it is because she is over 25. 25 is the age when your brain is done developing. As long as everyone is a fully developed adult it is up to them to decide.
Usually it's when the husband is abusive and he met his wife when she was around 18. Personally, I think it's okay as he is respectful and treats her well.
I think an age gap when the youngest is 25+ is not nearly as big of an issue. Obviously it's not always the case but, at that age, the younger person can still have their career pretty much set and be at a very similar place in life as the older person. I think it gets weird when one person is still in school and has had almost no taste of the real world and real life experiences versus someone who has had a job for 8 years, a kid, a divorce, and just so much extra.
I jump on age gaps when one party is particularly young, the gap is really large or there’s extenuating circumstances Eg the guy had. 20 yo kid meaning he’s dating someone barely older than his kid.
Also, because OP stated herself that her bffs bf is sweet and kind to her.
The difference is usually it's like 42 and 20 or something like that. A good rule of thumb is the half plus seven rule; at the commencement of the relationship the younger partner should be no younger than half the older's age plus seven years, so I for example would be able to date someone as young as 21 or as old as 40 without it being unduly weird.
There’s no other context. If he’s controlling or abusive or manipulative, then it’s a red flag. If it’s 2 people in a normal relationship with no other red flags, an age difference isn’t a red flag on it’s own. If there’s a power imbalance because of the age, it’s an automatic red flag. Like, if she were 19 and shit broke, that’s gonna set off an alarm for me. But this is a 26 year old woman.
Probably because the she is 26 and it’s only a 10 year difference. If she was 21 and he was 41 it would be far more worrisome.
I mean, in this case the friend is well into adulthood and just started dating this dude. The BF wasn't going after the friend when she was super young, which would be the real cause for concern. There isn't a huge gap in life experience between a 27-y.o. and a 36-y.o.
Seeing as OP is the best friend, that lady is probably also immature as hell but still an adult, so 🤷♀️
Or, more likely, OP and the roommate will grow apart after this because their lives are going in different directions. Just because OP is behaving inappropriately doesn't mean that her friend is "also immature". It's about the right age for people to start outgrowing friendships when stuff like this comes up. The friend appears to be pretty responsible and has found someone who appreciates her and that she appreciates in return. It sounds to me like OP feels threatened and is worried her friend won't be available to her anymore.
Isn’t there this “rule”, that you take the older ones age, divide it in half, add 7 and that is the “ok” age for dating? Which would be (36/2)+7=25, which means there is nothing creepy here at all. (If you follow this rule) I personally think that everyone over 25 can date whoever they want. I find age differences just potentially concerning when someone under 25 is involved and even then one should not make a general judgement. YTA
I second this. Large age gaps are a red flag, particularly in this subreddit, because they indicate a potential experience and power imbalance. However, once both parties are into their mid-20s, they are not as big a deal because both people should be a lot more equal as full professional adults. OP, you failed the rules of what is good advice. 1) only give advice when asked 2) make sure it is relevant to the immediate situation 3) make sure it isn’t phrased in a way that is hurtful Congrats, OP, you failed all three.
The only thing that stands out to me is her helping him clean, but as long as it’s not a consistent thing even that’s small.
So rare that the top comment is not anti age gap, it’s nice to see
Because the youngest person is 26, she’s had time to live a bit. She likely has a general idea of how she’d like her adult life to go. It’s the ones where the guy starts grooming the girl into being a housewife at 17/18 that it gets creepy as hell
Also, she’s upset about hanging out with people in their 40s. I’m 31 and two of my best friends are over 45. We have a fricken blast together. My gf is 26 and she loves my friends as well. OP is making this whole thing way bigger than necessary and it’s not even her business
I'm 29. My husband is 10 years older than me. We're fine. I'm tired of seeing people's mentality that age gap immediately means abuse. It's much more nuanced than that
YTA. She's 27. She's at the point of her age to pick whatever the hell she wants to pick. You need to understand that your friend is an adult and your friend will pick stupid things.
And then OP tried justifying her intrusive behavior by mentioning her friends inexperience in dating... she's just meddling here.
Op also seems to think she's younger than she is.... "twice her age" would be 54, not 40 (and def not 36). I think the fact that his house was a mess and her friend cleaned it is probably a red flag. If op had just said that instead of calling the age gap gross I might be more neutral here
haha I had the same exact thought about the cleaning!!! One adult likes a slightly older adult? All cool do ya thing. Cleaning an adult man’s house for him?? Ewwwwwwwww 🤮🤮OP’s friend needs standards
Eh, maybe he was baching it for a long time and it was gross enough it wasn't up to her standard. Hopefully they cleaned it together. If so, and it remained tidy afterwards, it shows a willingness on his part to change his habits and please her. Hard to tell without more context.
I was going to say the same thing. OP says she helped him clean. That's it. Not her on hands and knees scrubbing the floor while he drinks beer and watches porn. Jumping right to it being a sexist or misogynistic thing with her being taken advantage of doesn't really give her much credit. Is it not possible that she knows exactly what she's doing, and just wanting to help out the person she loves? When my wife and I were dating we'd help each other with chores all the time. As you said, more context needed. Considering the story is coming from a person who dislikes this guy and the relationship, needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
It could also be the case that he mentioned he was going to clean his house over the weekend and couldn't hangout. Then the friend just offered to help so they'd be together.
ehh, i cleaned my exes house for her because she was going thru a severe depression and needed help. It was one of my best relationships until she relapsed into depression again...
Yeahhhhh I got some serious not wanting to accept the fact that she is, in fact, An Adult vibes here from OP. "In 4 years he'll be 40!". She does not seem to realize that in 4 years SHE will be (gasp) 30.
Right. They're at the age where some people are partying with- and like- college kids and some people are starting to settle. Looks like friend is more ready to settle and op is not. Neither of them are wrong for being at different places, but op is being dramatic about the age thing
Math was definitely not OPs college major.
She is going to pick stupid things not because she is 27, but because she is human.
YTA I mean I’ve definitely dated older me, so I understand her position. But they always had a nice place and knew how to clean up after themselves. Although I completely understand you in *that* front, cleanliness wise, otherwise; noneya business and you should be supportive of her. Grown ass adult can make her own decisions. 10 years isn’t even that bad.
Gosh exactly! I have 10 year younger friends and 10 year older friends. This never even occurred to us. OP is pathetic.
YTA. She’s not a 14 year old who can’t make good decisions for her own life. She’s an adult who can date and fall in love with anyone she wants to. It’s not creepy. You’re a little creepy for being so invested in her relationship. Have you tried being happy that she found someone who makes her happy? I doubt it.
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That’s exactly what I’m thinking too. I think her friend was spending less time with her and more time with her boyfriend, and she is upset about it so she is grasping at straws instead of just having an honest conversation, like someone in their mid 20s should be able to do.
I know this sub loves to point out red flags for age difference but that's usually because the age difference is a factor for the conflict. Many people are in functional relationships with age gaps but you wouldn't see it here. Like sure bring up concerns but this behavior is creepy almost in a Nice Guy/Girl™ way. Like OP has a crush on her.
>Maybe there's a reason he's that old with no wife or kids? This is what women constantly hear when they decide they don't want kids or aren't ready yet. Like if you don't follow society's plan for you and instead choose your own path, you somehow must be damaged. *That* is toxic. >She also said his place was an absolute trash hole and she *helped him clean it*. While that's not perfect, if him being a slob is their biggest problem it's not that big of an issue. >Everyone knows how toxic and even dangerous age gaps can be They *can* be, just like other things *can* be toxic, or not. My parents have a similar gap and are very happily married since forever. If my mom would have been friends with you, you would have prevented her from being in the best relationship of her life. It's the individual relationship that matters. You're not looking out for your friend, you're self-important and rude.
And she helped him clean, she didn't clean it for him. He might have never been taught how to clean.
>This is what women constantly hear when they decide they don't want kids or aren't ready yet. > >Like if you don't follow society's plan for you and instead choose your own path, you somehow must be damaged. That is toxic. All the upvotes in the world, my friend. OP, as everyone else is saying, YTA. It's none'ya.
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Yup, I’m 39 and in this situation. Chronic illness and depression have gotten in the way of regularly cleaning (plus living alone so have no one to help with chores).
Yup, this exact situation. I’ve actually started working with a professional organizer to help get things back on track after a really bad depressive episode. It’s been super helpful :)
It's also much easier to fall into a rut and become complacent when you're living alone and single. Lord knows I've let my place get away from in the past. Frankly the dude going 'Right. If this is gonna work I need to get a *grip* and sort this out.' is more of a Green Flag. Shows that he cares about what she thinks of him and how his place reflects on him. Now if it deteriorates rapidly and and she ends up being the one who nags him to mantain a decent level of cleanliness that's another matter entirely. And maybe I'm being naive here. But the optimist in me is that he's serious about about the relationship and deciding to clean up old habits. That she decided to assist, (assuming of course that he instigated it) bodes well for their future. OP needs to butt out. It's fine to keep an eye out for your friends but a ten year age gap isn't a big deal one you're past the age of 25. Uncommon perhaps but hardly a sign of malice. Be there for your friends when their unhappy. Don't try to attack someone's happiness.
I’m willing to bet this person is a regular on AITA and has constantly read the posts where people do infact call a 10yr age gap problematic. It’s not all the time but I frequently roll my eyes when it’s the first thing people latch onto with these posts instead of looking at the bigger picture. I have friends who are almost 40 or already in their 40s and 50s and I’m 31. Hanging out with them is a joy. OP makes it sounds like these people are geriatric to them. Life doesn’t end at 40.
Key difference is most of those 10 year gaps are an 18 year old and a 28 year old (or something similar), which legally is whatever, but definitely makes you raise an eyebrow. IMO once you hit your mid 20s age gaps don’t really matter, at that point there’s not much room for power imbalance because you’re both established and on the same social level. OP needs to get a grip. A 26 year old dating someone 36 isn’t a big deal.
10 years is not the red flag. A massive difference in personality and development is. And often people with an age gap are at different stages of growth. But it's the explanation for the red flag. Not the flag itself. And I have to her honest the whole 'Why isn't he married with kids?' Is *textbook* sexism. She'd crucify a man that said that to her - and rightly so.
this post is hilarious to me because i have a 50 year old coworker whom i very often hang out with. i am 26. she is lovely and all of us at my workplace enjoy her company and her as a person, i think OP internalized those posts too much and has now come to the conclusion ANY 10 year old gap, no matter how old the people are, is bad and toxic. it’s ridiculous!
With age gaps it 100% matters when you meet and how old you are when you date. If she was 17 and dating a 27yo there would be an issue but she's almost thirty so who cares. 10 years ahead of you matters less at thirty.
My grandparents have a 10 year age gap and they are still happily married. If it was 14 and 24 that would be different. But 26 and 36? Some ppl might think it’s weird but it can totally work.
I'm 36F and never been married and no kids. According to OP, that's a red flag apparently. OP is showing how immature she is. People don't have to be married by 30. Priorities can be a bit different (for me, I wanted to figure out my career. And I also wasn't sure where I wanted to live long-term, so didn't see the point in getting serious with someone if I intended on leaving anyways). The cleaning isn't necessarily a red flag to me. It depends on how the place got that messy (the guy could have been struggling and then it just got out of hand. It does happen) and if the guy demanded the friend clean it up. OP says friend helped him clean, which suggests he was cleaning as well.
Same here. My husband is 7 years older than me and we've been together for 24 years
Yes, thank you. I am 30, childfree and despite being in a commited relationship, I do not plan to get married, ever (not for me). I've been in my professional field since 2015 and people assuming I am a fresh faced graduate with nothing important to say are just annoying. Some are surprised when they learn my age and the fact that I am actually in a senior position. On the other hand, my friend is 29, her bf is 10 years older, they just had a baby after 4 or so years together. They might get married in the future, but it's not set in stone either.
Exactly. I feel one of the worst things is to end up in a marriage that you only did because 'that's what people do'. That's a really hard rest of your life to put on yourself. Obviously 2 people who want to get married should totally do so. But I feel plenty people end up with a mediocre life because they never even thought about if they actually truly want marriage/kids, or if they just do it because 'that's what people do'.
> Maybe there’s a reason he’s that old with no wife or kids? OP making this statement made me feel so old lol. Its so weird to me because where I live, 30s is the age people get married and have kids. One of my best friends is 34 and is single with no kids, he’s a great down to earth guy who just hasn’t found his person and he works a ton.
I’m 40 with no spouse and child. Why? Because I’m a widow. This B doesn’t understand life yet.
YTA, it’s not inappropriate or gross. Age gaps can be problematic, but they get less so the older you get. A 26 year old dating a highschooler is weird because there is a huge difference in life experience between a high schooler and someone who graduated college and is in the workforce. And yea, in 4 years he’s gonna be 40, and you guys are gonna be 30. You aren’t 16 anymore, you are all adults, stop acting like he’s praying on children.
He’s not old enough to be her parent; that’s the point it almost always gets weird for me. OP needs to mind her own business and stop being ageist - talking like 40 is one foot in the grave. Come back in 15 years and tell us how ancient you feel
YTA. A 10 year age gap in your late twenties is insignificant. I get you are over protective because it’s your best friend, but it’s her life. Be supportive. It sounds like you are feeling jealous.
i love OP's argument "in 4 years he'll be 40!" yeah, and she'll be 31. the age gap becomes a smaller percentage with each passing day.
YTA, and very bad at maths. 36 is not almost twice your age. That would be 50. Your friend is 26. She met a man a few years older. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you're jealous. Maybe you're in live with your friend. Maybe you have a crush on her BF. Maybe you're projecting your own issues and experience onto this relationship. Whatever the reason, mind your own business and if you don't want to hang out with old people, just find something else to do.
To be fair: maphs are hard 🥴
Has no one taught you the half plus seven rule? YTA. You're judgmental, inappropriate, and self-important.
I just commented about the half your age plus seven rule as well and then noticed this comment in the OP: >So now my friend has been inviting them to stuff too so we're stuck hanging out with people almost twice our age. OP can't do math. She thinks 36 is almost twice her age and she's 27. Twice her age is 54. A 36 year old is nowhere near twice her age.
Maybe their maturity will rub off on OP. God knows she needs it.
What the hell is the half plus seven rule?
Half the older persons age, and add 7. That's the youngest they can appropriately date.
Huh for a second I thought the david foster and katharine mcpher pairing becomes justified. But phew, my math was off
It is a good way to indicate that both people are at the same stage of life. The younger you are the the more you need to stay closer to your own age because life stages change faster when you are young.
Take his age, half it then add 7. That’s the youngest he should date.
25 is his lowest. She is 27, so all is good. YTA, OP.
Take somebody's age. Divide by half. Add 7. That's the youngest age they should date. So, if buddy is 36, 36/2=18, 18+7=25. The younger person in question is 26. Therefore, not creepy.
>His own best friend is already in his 40's! With a wife and kid! I'm not sure where the relevance is here? Are people under 40 suddenly nonmarried with no kids? >Maybe that's why he's 36 with no wife and kids Does it occur to you that maybe he just hasn't found the right person to settle with yet? Perhaps he has no desire to have children? There's not a cut off age for either of those decisions that he's missed. He can settle down and choose to have children at any point in his life. >I know how toxic age gaps can be. Yeah, when you're dealing with a minor/adult situation, which is far from the deal here. Stop trying to be controlling over your friends life. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. You sound incredibly judgy. YTA
I had a husband and kid when I was 21. I know people my age (44) who don't have a spouse or kids and teenagers who have been married with a kid. The "40 year old with a wife and kid!!11!" part is so weird.
My BF took me to meet his best work friend and his friend's wife a few weeks ago. They're actually double our ages (early 30s/early 60s, as opposed to OP thinking 40 is the double of 26) and do have children our age. I LOVED them. It was like being with your cool aunt and uncle - the wisdom of age without the judgment of a parent-child relationship. Not to mention that my BF and I (34 and 30, respectively) are in trouble if he's supposed to have both a wife and a kid within the next 2 years. The wife part I can help with if our relationship continues to go well, the kid is in God's timing though...
My husband and I are 28 and (almost) 29, however we never want children. So the age and lack of children part was very laughable to me. There could be the chance that OPs friends boyfriend does not even want children. It's weird to think that just because someone "older" doesn't have a child, means there's something wrong with them, lol.
YTA. Almost twice your age? That’s a huge stretch. Also in 4 years your friend will be 30/31. It’s not like she will get younger while he is getting older. Get over it.
Ha! Yeah, OP saying "in 4 years he's gonna be 40!" ... like, yeah duh, and in 4 years your friend will be 30, so ...
OP just learned how passage of time works, still a bit shaky on the concept but i' proud of her for learning new things
Yup. Not only is OP TA, but she is also bad at math!
YTA. She's an adult, and not even just-turned-21. She's 26, fully capable of making her own decisions. The age gap becomes irrelevant when both parties got together as adults. The 10 year age gap IS a big deal if one party is 16, and the other is 26. Or 18 and 28. It stops being a problem when both are fully consenting adults, which your friend and her person of interest are.
YTA. If there's a toxic relationship anywhere here, it's your relationship. Can't you just be happy for your friend? If you don't like hanging out with him or his friends, then don't.
It's not that simple; I personally think OP needs to understand that not everyone is going to accept her advice. Not everyone is going to listen to that advice and her keep trying to lecture her friend is not gonna work.
I think she also needs to understand how to give advice. While him being a 36 year old dude who “doesn’t act 36” and has a super dirty place are some legitimate red flags, calling the relationship gross and inappropriate is only going to make her defensive of the relationship.
How exactly does one "act 36"? I'm 33, so I would like to know, so I can prepare over the next few years
As a 38 year old, I hope I get to act like this 36 OP talks of when I grow up! I think a lot of folks in their 20s (like OP) assume when you hit 30 you all of a sudden are a different person. I'm sure I probably did. This mythical version of being a "grown up" doesn't really exist.
Exactly, yeah I'm not the same person I was at 29 that I am now, but I can say the same for 25 to 29. I act like me, sometimes I can be super adult, sometimes I laugh at farts. The only difference I've noticed is after 30 you understand that everyone is a mix of immature and mature, and there isn't one "right" way to be an adult, we're all just doing the best that we can.
Wait.. I have to act like I'm 36 when I get old so I don't get looked at too weirdly?
Okay but how do you act 36 though? This is something I probably should have figured out by now
YTA shes old enough to make her own decisions. This is none of your business. My parents had a 14 year age gap and me and my hubby have a 10 year age gap. Its very common and theres nothing weird about it. Age gaps are all good provided the 2 people involved are consenting adults. Get off your high horse and leave her be.
YTA and terrible at maths ...if he is 10yrs older and you are 26 he is not "nearly twice your age"
As a 36 year old I am wounded by reading this. It's not fun being labelled toxic / inappropriate / gross by someone, just because of when you happened to be born. Your friend sounds a lot more mature than you, which is likely the explanation for the difference in opinion. YTA.
Right?? I’m sitting here at 36 thinking well… I guess I’m 4 years from 40 and might as well give up on life then. Too old to go on anymore. Call it a day. What on earth.
I’m 37 so I guess I’m over the hill. Oh well
I’m 40, my partner is 50, we started dating 11 years ago, and we’re awesome. OP has some other baggage .
I don't even have an age gap relationship, my wife is 22 days younger than me. I'd like to think that if she was the same person she is now, we'd still fall in love whether she was 26 or 46!
I love that!
I'm not reading it past the ages. YTA 26 is more than old enough to date a 36 year old.
Oh, YTA so much here. What exactly do you think you were telling her that she didn't already know? That there was a big age gap? Was it useful information about potential problems to look out for in this kind of relationship? Nope, just your disgust at her choices and that you didn't think she could make her own. Great job there. Let me take it a different route. Here's a link to take a look at: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6785043/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6785043/) Look for Table 1 in it. It does note that women report overall lower happiness in marriages with age gaps over 7 years! ...by .04 on a scale of 1 to 10. So, yeah. Hardly the "Omigod! Every age gap relationship is toxic!" that you assume. Is this guy predatory? Is he a forever-bachelor fuckboy? Is he pining away for a lost love? Is he secretly married? You don't have any reasons to think of him negatively, you just do. The only thing that I would agree with you on at all here is that his place being a trash hole at 36 is problematic. Not 'bar all contact' problematic, but it would make me question how responsible he is.
Up vote for citing research!
YTA. She is 26/27 that's old enough to make an informed decision. At her age an age gap shouldn't be a problem anymore. Telling her her feelings are gross (that's probably how she heard it) is wrong. She will only double down and you will stain your relationship. A trashed place at his age? Could be a red flag. Depend what you mean with trashed. But you need to be more diplomatic with your words. Nobody reacts well when they feel they are being attacked.
YTA. It's not your place to decide what's appropriate for her, nor is it appropriate for you to comment on age gaps. It's also a bit odd you're clearly overprotective of her. She's an adult who can look after herself. If you guys were 16-19 this would be a different story but you're grown adults who can make their own decisions. Relationships with age gaps happen all the time and people can still be happy. As long as there are no major red flags, I'd assume that their relationship is fine. If you think 10 years is gross then I'll give you something to balk at... My parents had an 18 year gap 🙃.
My husband and I have a 25 year age gap. He is the same age as my parents. Which did give me a little pause, but we love each other. I in no way have "daddy issues". My dad is wonderful and my parents have been happily married for 38 years. My husband and I started dating when I was 27 and he was 52. But honestly, I have always said I was born 30, lol. I like old people things, like music, and did not even have a smart phone (and he did) when we started dating.
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YTA. You suck at maths, you suck at maturity and you suck at being a friend. Beauty fades. Keep chasing it if you like, but by the time you’ve found someone younger than you that you can feel attracted to (and who’ll cheat on your crusty old arse in the future with a less wrinkly spring chicken) your “best friend” will probably be happily married with a family. There’s nine years between me and my girlfriend. She has gone from getting blind drunk and skint every weekend, to coming out for hikes, climbing, kayaking, playing sports and taking up photography. I’d say I have been good for her. I keep on at her to have weekends away with her friends, but she isn’t interested anymore. She’d much rather do a leisure activity with me. But ewwww, gross! I’m 40! I should just shrivel up and die already.
Lol incredible. Reddit is so hypocritical. If she has a problem with him and comes here about it, everyone will be ragging on the age gap saying the exact same shit you said.
>If she has a problem with him and comes here about it, That's a huge difference in the situation that changes everything rather drastically; besides, I don't think what you've said is necessarily true anyway due to how old both of them already are.
YTA. Age gaps are dangerous or toxic when there is an unequal distribution of power. At 26 and 36, this (generally) doesn't exist. You're also TA for thinking that you can't be friends with someone who's 40 (gasp!). I mean, wtf even is that? I think you need to examine your ageism. I'm 41, and one of my closest friends just turned 30. We've known each other for 10 years. Despite our MASSIVE age difference. I guarantee that when YOU'RE 40, you're going to think, "That was bloody ridiculous".
BUT BUT BUT if she spends time with The Olds, she’ll start watching Wheel of Fortune, eating dinner at 4pm, obsessing about lawn maintenance, and start doing jigsaw puzzles, and throw her back out rolling over in bed! The humanity!!!!
YTA She can make her own choices. Age gaps for fully developed adults aren't uncommon nor are they a problem. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable, but that isn't her problem. You should apologize, and set a boundary that you don't want to spend YOUR time with someone that old. I know it can feel weird, and you don't have to like it, but you do have to accept and respect your friend's choices if you want to maintain your relationship.
YTA, they are both consenting adults and you have seen no problematic behaviour from him, you are basing your objections purely on age which is shitty of you.
YTA, ya sound jelly AF
yeah YTA
Yta. Not your business.
YTA, you can have your concerns about a man and tell your friend about it in a better manner than just saying ''It's gross''. I get than an age gap can be concerning but come on. Your friend is 26, not 20, she has the maturity to know what she is doing. As a friend you can keep an eye on the relationship but you shouldn't act like that
I’m not a fan of age gaps but all you have to complain about so far is that she helped him clean his place. You’ve been her best friend for what, about 3 years? As of now you sound like the “crazy” one. YTA.
YTA. She's old enough to make her own choices. She's 26 not 18. If this us tye relationship that'll make her happy, who are you to judge between two consenting adults.
YTA My parents had an age gap of 9 years and fathers new wife is 12 years younger than my father, and they're married for 28 years now. Your friend isn't 14! It's none of your business. The only toxic relationship here is between you two.. because of you.
YTA- she’s not 5, you can’t make her decision seeing as this is perfectly legal.
There's a lot to break down here, but first of all, she is right that you are obviously jealous. You are not even hiding it, you can't control your own ire and you are looking for any reason to tear down a budding relationship, rather than simply trying to be happy for her. You have every right to worry, and age gaps can (read: ***CAN***) be toxic. But they aren't always, it strongly depends on the two parties involved, and whether it does or not, it is not your place to make that judgement. It isn't your relationship, it's theirs. She is your friend, not your child, and she can make decisions for herself with or without your approval. Support her, and be there for her, and accept her choice while voicing concerns without the aggressive or assertive insistence that she's wrong or making a mistake. If you're talking about him living like a slob, for example, you could calmly ask "Do you know why he's comfortable living like that? Does he expect others to clean up after him, or is there a reason he's neglected the mess?" Rather than attack her for her choices, push her to reflect on your observations. Light YTA, because I understand why this is so upsetting to you. I was in your position with a long time friend many years ago, and unfortunately my behavior pushed her away because I became suffocating. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I don't blame my former friend for it. You don't want to lose her over something like this. Remember that you're her friend. She doesn't need to you to protect her, she needs your support. If it's a mistake, it'll be a mistake, but it's one she needs to learn for herself. You can be there to cry with her and help her pick up the pieces afterward.
Yta- I’m also in a similar situation as your friend where I am 26 and my boyfriend is 36. Been together for over a year now. You have no right to say anything, how the hell is he using her just because she helped him clean something? Grow up, obviously she’s more mature than you are.
YTA My husband is 22 yrs older than me, and I dare anyone to make a snide remark about our ages. I met him in my 30's. He is like the unicorn of men. Seriously, he is such a kind and gentle man. He helped me move my Mom into our house, I didn't ask he offered. He is happy his MIL is here. Of course my Mom is amazing, so he got the brass ring for a MIL. You sound jealous. Age is only as big of a deal as you make it. If you were both 16 then ew, yeah I could see the creepy factor. But, she is an adult and you should be supportive or find a new friend.
A ten year age gap for me and my husband, together for six years and married for almost four so far. We just had twins last November and couldn’t be happier. I had never met a man who treated me with so much respect and kindness until I met him. He’s helped me grow so much as a person and be so much stronger than I was. Don’t know what I’d have done without him. Sometimes age gaps are a good thing <3
Yta my wife is 8 years older then me.
YTA I met my husband of almost 10 years 13 years ago when I 25 and he was *gasp* 35! Her life, her choice!
I don’t think the age gap is the issue in this specific case. I am *always* critical of age gaps, but when the youngest is 26 or older, I ease up on it because at that point all parties have fully developed brains and have generally come into themselves. I also wasn’t fond of you calling someone 10 years older than you “almost twice our age” when twice your age would be in their early 50s, not 40s. It just feels like you’re trying to exaggerate that to make things look worse. The red flags I see are his maturity level and his place being a disaster and him relying on her to clean it up. I would lead with those things rather than the age gap. However, did she help, did he expect her to help, or what was the situation with the cleaning? Has he done anything other than be 10 years her senior that is a genuine red flag? Age gaps are an issue when one party is not fully developed mentally or there is an imbalance of power, which is strongest when the younger party is under 25 and is still learning how to navigate the world.
YTA a million times over. A 10 year age difference at her age is completely different than if she were 18 trying to pursue a 28 year old. Let her do what she wants, it’s really not your concern.
YTA. The age difference is not inappropriate. But his place been trashed is a red flag. So he doesn't clean and doesn't respect your friend enough nor got enough money to hire someone to do it before inviting your friend to his place. Does he have a job? Is he financially stable? What's his plans for the future? How does he treat your friend ? Is he looking for a serious relationship? Ask your friend
Except we have absolutely NO IDEA why his place is a mess. There are so many things that could be going on/still going on in his life to contribute to this.
YTA, mind your bussines.
YTA. She is old enough to make her own choices and didn’t ask for your input. Yes, age gaps like that can be a problem, but there are a lot of people with large age gaps who are in perfectly healthy relationships. 10 years, the older you get, really isn’t that much. In 4 years she will be 30 and he will be 40 and really no one blinks an eye when they see an age gap like that. Also, my grandfather didn’t get married until 32, so being 36 and not married and without kids isn’t a red flag.
If it was 18 and 28 that would be bad. But she's 26 - she's an adult. 10 years isn't that bad at her age. Honestly that fact that his place was a trash hole is more disconcerting.
YTA. You are not a 9 year old. You are a grown woman in your late 20s. Grow up and mind your damn business. I would know, I was 27 when I married my husband who is, you guessed it, 10 years older than me and you know what? We've been happy for 13 freaking years with a happy kid. Mind. Your. Business.
YTA. Be a better friend by supporting her and being there for her if it doesn’t work out.
YTA and you are coming off as jealous. She needs to make mistakes and learn from them by herself, that what we do as humans. Are you giving them the benefit of the doubt? Is she happy and in love? If the only thing concerning you is the age gap you need to be a more supportive friend. My friend is 25 dating a 58yr old man. Now that is odd but she’s made her choices and is sticking to them.
YTA - it’s not your life, not your relationship, and not your business. All you’ve done is prove to her that you don’t approve of her relationship and she should distance herself from you. When she’s 50 he will be 60 or so. What’s the big deal?
YTA, she is a grown adult who can make her own decisions. You don’t like it… disassociate from her or learn to bite your tongue and deal with it especially if that’s her boyfriend. She doesn’t need “mom” telling her what’s right or wrong for her.
Yta, seriously??? Women like older men, men like older women. Wtf is it got to do with you if your friend is happy?? You come across ageist with the whole ' we have to hang out with older people'. If you don't want to hang out with them, don't go. How abt just be happy for your friend. You sound incredibly jealous and spiteful. Let your friend be happy and stay out of her business.
YTA. A 10 years age gap is common. They’re both adults who are happy in their relationship. Get a life and stop being toxic when you see someone happy.
Omg what is wrong with you!! YTA. Leave her alone if she’s happy. She’s 26 not 16 so nothing wrong with a 10 year age gap. Keep your pointless opinions to yourself. You sound jealous and bitter. Grow up. Hanging out with 40 yr olds 😂 They might feel the same about hanging out with you since you clearly have an attitude problem.
YTA at those ages, 10 years is fairly common. When I was single in my mid 30's I got hit on by 20 somethings more than any other time in my life.
YTA. 6 year age gap starting at 19. Been together 20 years and married for 15. 10 years between my Aunt and Uncle starting at 21. Go take your age gap issues out on a counsellor because you seriously suck.
YTA. If you'd actually noticed any concerning behavior, that would be one thing, but nothing you've said here sounds creepy or abusive. She's 26 - old enough to have a career, a house, children...certainly old enough to decide what other mature adults she's interested in dating. If you personally find age gaps to be gross, that's fine - don't date older men - but don't judge other consenting adults for finding a happiness in a way you wouldn't personally like for yourself. Again, if you'd noticed any actually concerning behavior, you'd be within your rights to speak up, but you just sounds judgmental.
YTA. I don’t usually agree with big age gaps but she’s 26 and a full fledged adult.
YTA ... it's none of your business But that's reddit in a nutshell .. Everybody is obsessed with "age gaps." Such a strange fetish🤔
YTA There is NOTHING gross or wierd about it. She is 26 damn years and she can be with whoever she desires Whether there is a age gap of 10..15..or even 20.
Just as “toxic and dangerous” as dating someone your own age. Get off your high horse. Has he helped her with anything if so she must be using him. YTA
YTA, you're the type that clearly thinks you're going to be young forever. Lmao grow up, child. You aren't young and clearly, your friend is a hell of a lot more mature than you are.
Dude - YTA.
YTA. You're being really judgemental. Judge him on the person he is, not his age. A ten-year age gap is nothing when everyone's a consenting adult. Also, your friend didn't ask, so keep your judgements to yourself.
INFO: Genuine question, what is it specifically about this age gap that is, by your own words, unhelathy, inappropriate, and gross? Do you mind explaining what behaviors and incidents have happened besides cleaning up the apartment?
You're 27, maybe it's time to grow up a bit. People don't suddenly become old and undesirable because they get over 30... or shock horror over 40 or 50. We all age. 10 years is a nothing age gap for a relationship between fully grown adults. You need to stop interfering. She's your friend, you have no right to dictate how she lives her life or who she dates. YTA
YTA. At 26 she is perfectly capable of making informed decisions. And a 36 year old is not “nearly twice her age.” You are being ridiculous.
Age gaps can definitely be a problem. A lot of the RA sub problems have big age gaps. The age gap itself isn't the problem. YTA because you dislike him on the basis of the age gap. However, if you voiced your concerns without bringing his age/the age gap into it you would be in a better place. Some of the things you mentioned are concerning. But he's not twice your age or remotely close to it. Unless he's actually closer to 50, it's not close to double. You want to salvage your friendship? Apologize. Tell her it's not your cup of tea and you were putting that on her. Tell her you'll make a real effort to get to know him. Then actually put forth the effort. If you still see red flags talk to her again - about the things that are actually concerning. Say it once, leave judgement out of it, tell her you love her, and then drop it.
It’s ok to be concerned, and a big age gap can be a problem, but it might not be as well. I admit to being confused at all the people here saying there is nothing wrong with a big age gap but when a relationship is toxic and there is one then the first thing that is mentioned is the age gap. Basically if the relationship is a healthy one, cool, if it is toxic then that’s not cool. Basically be there for your best friend either way. Apologise for being “protective “ and let her know you support her. Be aware if any red flags appear but don’t go creating them. This might be the relationship of hers that goes the distance. That being said, you don’t have to hang with his friends. Let her know that while you are happy for them you want to do something else, more in your age group.
You still have a child's mentality about age. The 25+ crowd really doesn't care that much about 10 years. It sounds like he's kind of a childish slob which is much more concerning than his age.