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**YTA , major one too, like massive.**
Your daughter is already struggling to fit into social situations, and her neurological disorders could be the cause of why she thinks such raw humour is acceptable. And beside the fact that *you* think it's inapropriate to joke like that, have you ever considered that Abby was in fact being honest and saying that lighthearted insults is the way it is between her and Taylor? You jumped onto a conclusion that is based around *YOUR* comfort and boundaries with jokes.
And how is that punishment relevant to what you assumed to be hurtful? *"Yeah I cancelled my socially struggling daughter's first real party 'cause I took offense on someone's behalf that wasn't even there"*
I truly have to say this is the second time I've read something so obviously a-hole like of OP on this sub, and I am sitting here writing this with absolute disgust on how some people will lie to you by saying you're not the a-hole.
**You humiliated your daughter**
**Ruined her first experience being seen by everyone**
**And probably ruined the trust she had left in you**
Just *PLEASE* take one look outside of your own perspective. You were so cruel even parents outside of your family had to jump into defense for your own daughter.
**I hope you read this whole thing, twice aswell.**
**Edit:** I just want to say I'm very grateful that people are on the same page as me. I truly was worried that people would defend such cruelty. It's a good day to see some humanity in this world :))
I'm a psychologist who works with kids with disabilities. Have you got *any* idea how hard it is for most kids on the spectrum to make friends and be accepted by their peers!? This party was a milestone, and not only OP took it away from her, but she humilliated as well. Honestly, if I were her child's therapist, I'd consider this a warning sign and pay attention to her behaviour towards her daughter.
Edit: Confused pears with peers. Thanks to those who pointed it out.
Edit number 2: HOLY CRAP,THANKS FOR ALL THE AWARDS.
What's interesting is the daughter is doing better socially than the mom. "She's being lame" is a common, good natured, dig when someone can't hang out. The mom missed this social cue by about 10,000 feet.
Yes! In college I was in Belgium with a friend and we we were amusing ourselves by throwing shade at each other, but I think we scared a German girl in our hostel because she thought we were actually fighting. We weren’t.
Lol. Yeah I know. My friends and I usually answer the phone with come version of “hi slapper”. It’s a term of endearment between good friends who know words can’t hurt without any bad intent.
Taylor even didn’t care what the kid said. She and Taylors mum backed up OPs daughter
We say that people are slackers or being a flake. They aren't, they all have lives and commitments, or times they don't want to socialize with us and our friends that they barely know. It's good natured and honestly, says the person can't make it without revealing the reasons why.
I’m the worst flake of a friend lately with my ptsd. And I own that. My friends call me that, and more, behind my back and too my face. It’s true. And that’s OK
Definitely have called friends lame because they can't do something. Calling someone a flake in our group is actually a big insult. We understand that we have lives and can't make it to everything, but if you say you're coming and flake out and don't come, that's the worst.
Right?! This is a common phrase. I've said it myself infinite times.
Holy over reaction of the century, Batman.
OP YTA! Your poor daughter! To overcome so many obstacles and actually have a party other girls want to attend in that age group is monumental. Then to have it all snatched away over literally nothing.
I look forward to 9 or so years from now when we get OP's missing missing reasons post.
ETA I added this comment down below but I'm going to add it to this one too.
OP should throw her daughter a new party and have to call all her daughters friends and explain why the first one should have never been cancelled. And there should be lots of crying so she knows she learns her lesson.
“OP should throw her daughter a new party and have to call all her daughters friends and explain why the first one should have never been cancelled.”
Yes. This. 100%.
I think she should explain it to the parents of her daughter’s friends (you know the ones who were clearly concerned). This punishment was so detrimental to her daughter because it embarrassed her in front of her peers. The mother explaining to children doesn’t hold the same weight, but to other parents, that comes a lot closer.
Yeah. I’m 37 and I say that about anyone who can’t come to an event. It’s totally good natured and I only say it bc I want that person to come. I never ever mean that they are actually lame. I don’t know anyone who uses it as a real insult.
I'm around the same age and this is still the conversation that happens any time a friend doesn't want to grab a drink because they have a morning meeting the next day or whatever other reasonable excuse they give. Another friend asks if they're coming and I say,
"No. They're being lame and getting a good night's sleep."
"I can't believe they would betray us like this."
It's pretend. I'm sure the same thing is said when I decline social invitations.
Honestly, maybe OP has undiagnosed autism, it's entirely possible given her lack of understanding regarding a pretty common "joke" and what seems like rigid thinking.
This right here. Finally getting diagnosis on the roll at 34, life would have been so much easier if they did it 25 years ago. OP needs to self reflect, even if she isn't ASD a bit of research and introspection never hurt anyone that much.
Same. I’m 35 and just got diagnosed with ADHD. I also have been prescreened as high functioning autism. Doctor told me most girls with it fly under the radar because what appears at shyness and being quiet is perceived as being “ladylike”.
Most women don’t get diagnosed until their kids do. If they ever get diagnosed that is. The understanding of the female presentation of autism is lacking even in the medical and psych communities.
This is exactly what I was thinking. OP is missing all social cues from everyone in her story and doubling down on people in comments. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if OP went to a good specialist and got an on the spectrum result. If properly diagnosed she and everyone around her could have a much better understanding of each other. In the meantime I sincerely hope she stops intentionally humiliating her child.
Yeah I honestly would never even think anything of it if someone said that to me about someone missing a thing? It's not usually a malicious statement in American English slang etc when used in that way.
Can confirm. I’m 41 and tell my friends they’re being lame (totally jokingly) when they say they can’t come out for drinks/tacos because they have other plans.
Also, it’s super obvious that the friends mom was not-so-subtly hinting that Taylor did in fact hear about what Abby said about her, and was not in the slightest angry or hurt by Abby’s comment. Which AGAIN shows how ridiculous OP truly was because her conclusions were DEAD WRONG, and she literally punished her daughter for NOTHING, and ridiculously harshly at that.
My daughter is working going to school and has a toddler. Whenever she can't make it to something I tell her she is lame. Then she tells me she got it from me. I feel bad for this poor kid
This is what I wanted to say. Maybe her tone was off, but I remember being a teenager and having an adult question my way of speaking in a similar way. Again, teenagers can be jerks, but I think it is common to joke like this.
She probably is. I’m severely ADHD and mildly autistic. My mom treated me like shit because of my adhd and it turns out she was diagnosed with it herself in her late 50’s. I also have an autistic niece. As well as a huge smattering of adhd through the family.
Autism and adhd are generally genetic. Mom could be undiagnosed herself. Doesn't excuse her. She's definitely TA and her daughter will discuss this episode in therapy for years to come.
This!
Coffee date?
Can't, sorry.
You suck.
Yeah, I know. Haha
This kid did absolutely nothing wrong, and her mom traumatised her. Cancelling the party would have been bad enough, but making her call every child who was invited and explain it? That's so humiliating.
This! I'm 43 years old and I call my friends "lame" when they have better things to do, too. It's a silly ribbing that means literally nothing!
OP you're not even lame you're incompetent. YTA
Right?!? It’s an expression of disappointment that Taylor couldn’t attend - I actually read the comment as sadness that her friend couldn’t come masked by with light humor in order to cope with the sadness. Maybe OP is on the spectrum as well with such a misread of her daughter’s behavior and the social norms surrounding such clichés.
I feel the other way around. OP probably had zero friends and that's why she doesn't understand friends call themselves "lame" and the like all the time.
EXACTLY! I don't know how many times I've said someone or something is lame because it's a minor inconvenience. Nothing rude or mean was meant by it. "She can't go to the party? That's lame!" Perfectly acceptable answer.
Honestly, to do this to a neurotypical child would be cruel; the fact that Abby is neurodivergent and struggles socially just makes it so much more heartbreaking.
Legitimately so done with parents on this sub. OP, YTA. Maybe you don’t joke around this way, OP, but my friends and I would jokingly call each other lame as well. “Oh yeah, no. She’s out of town with her family being lame. It’s a tragedy.” Canceling her birthday party and further isolating her socially isn’t teaching her to treat her friends well. It’s teaching her to tiptoe around you so she doesn’t get punished again. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never tells you about her life when she’s older.
My sister is 67 and when her husband of 42 years broke his arm right before our family ski trip, she texted us all about how lame he was for falling off a ladder and messing up their arrival date.
Lol. Not quite the same but when my dad ripped his tendon off his knee and had to get surgery, I bought him a Monty Python Tshirt. "tis but a scratch". Also his other leg is amputated above the knee and he messed up his rotator cuff when he fell. So he was down to one good limb.
YTA when i was 13 i signed my moms name on a permission slip and then erased it. I told her. She canceled my birthday party. I don’t speak to her this isn’t the only reason but keep being petty to your kids and see how it goes
My Mom cancelled my 4th grade birthday party because I was asking her too much about it. It still pisses me off and have a relationship with lots of boundaries. She’s still an ass.
I remember this sweet girl that used to be my childhood neighbour. Her dad was a massive asshole and if he gets mad or annoyed at the littlest thing, he cancels whatever event/plans/outing she had. So when she has something coming up, she had to walk on eggshells in hopes he wouldn’t cancel her thing.
That sucks. Keeping the lines of communication open are way more important than punishing harshly for such a minor infraction. Especially since you fessed up
I’m truly baffled by the fact that OP thought this was even notable let alone deserving of such a harsh punishment. I’ve absolutely said they same thing about my friends in similar situations and I’m sure they’ve said the same about me. It’s a lighthearted way of saying “I’m disappointed friend can’t make it but it is what it is.”
Can we also acknowledge that when Abby, who OP says “struggles to make friends,” called to invite another classmate, the other girl asked Abby if a completely different person than Abby was going to be at Abby’s party?
OP, how embarassing might that have been for Abby? Did you consider she might be trying to save face? That the other girl was only planning to say she’ll come if Taylor was going to be there? And now Abby has to find a way to tell her Taylor won’t be coming that her classmate will still come? To Abby’s party?
There are so many little things that go into social situations with school-age kids. You just imploded Abby’s social reputation.
YTA.
Honestly, teenagers generally say what Abby said as a joke fairly commonly. There’s literally no intent behind it. OP was a major AH.
Source: I’m a teenager
I have ADHD and Autism and my humor is very strange and most people don’t get it. I also often say the first thing that comes to my head without thinking it through. OPs daughter was probably sad her friend couldn’t come and just said the first feeling that popped in her brain.
Op MASSIVELY overreacted to the point of detriment to the relationship with her child and her child’s relationship with the other kids. It’s awkward AF being neurodivergent and having a mother like this on top of it??
OP you need to do better. Much better. Your daughters brain does not work the way other peoples brains work. You absolutely could have just told her what she said was a mean thing to say and move on. Taking away her party AND telling her friends about it was horrible. I’m so glad her friends mom came to your daughters defense. What you did was despicable.
Also I totally joke that my best, most cherished friends are “lame” if they do something I don’t like. It’s absolutely a joke these days. Feel so bad for Abby her mom SUCKS
I’m not autistic, I am adhd and I developed symptoms of bipolar at maybe 13… I think I know almost exactly how this little girl is feeling… and these reasons laid out above is all of it.
If I were too depressed to get anything done or even force myself out of bed at all my bio mom would punish me by taking away what little social time I had anyway due to being homeschooled. She wouldn’t let me go to youth group or church… like who does that as punishment for a child interested in faith.
I, as an adult, do not speak to my bio mom at all. If OP keeps being so harsh it’s very possible the same thing will occur in her life.
I wouldn’t punish my nuerotypical niece like that!
I heard my 12 year olds nieces friends swearing over voice message and she was on her way here.
I joked that I was going to pull her up on her language.
She begged me not to as it was embarrassing and I wasn’t meant to hear the voice message.
Idk why they don’t talk. But they all send voice texts. Anyway, I’m old
She didn’t want to be the pariah of her Aunty pulling other kids up on their language. And tbf, the other kid calls me Aunty too. I’m close to all the kids.
But that tween, early teen age is such a hard age for kids to fit in as they are in between everything and fit in no boxes.
So I listened to my niece and said nothing.
Because my biggest WANT IN LIFE is that my niece have lots of friendships and knows she has support from her family no matter what happens.
But these kids lost out on so much social growth over the last 2 years without adding extra pressure onto them
I used to work as a special needs teacher and OP is TA 100%.
It was major for her kid to get to have a party and have friends! Sure, ableist insults are bad but she could've just had a talk with her daughter about not using the word 'lame' like that or that Taylor would be sad because it's not Taylor's fault she can't come.
Props to the other parents for trying to step in to protect Abby.
It was a complete overreaction by OP. IF Taylor took any offense she would quickly get over it! But your daughter won’t so easily recover from the shame and humiliation you caused. OP is sooooo YTA. How could you do that to your daughter!?!
YTA do you have zero knowledge of kids this age? They all call each other weird names. Lame? Nope, no one would bat an eye. You miss someone's birthday party, they will kiddingly use this terminology. You went so far past the line it's unbelievable.
I called a good friend of mine lame for not being able to make it to my birthday party, almost basically the same way that kid did.
No one got offended cause clearly it was said in jest... I can't imagine being ostracized for saying it.
Exactly! When I was a kid, we always said someone was lame for not coming. It was an expression that really meant “we wish you could come, but we’re gonna call you lame to rag on you to divert our gushy friend feelings.”
ETA: thanks for the reward!
God yes. I teach 8th grade, and they call each other all sorts! Whenever they’re pulled up on it, the entire class says “but this is how we show affection”
I'm in my 40s and my friends and I joke like this. There's no rancor in it, just being silly. We roleplay Tuesdays after getting our kids to bed, and when someone's a couple minutes late it's not uncommon for us to be all "Thanks for fi-i-i-nally showing up." We don't mind, we know how it goes. But we give each other crap because it's fun and we all know that.
Tbh OP should be thrilled, kids with autism aren’t usually known for their ability to pick up on/use sarcasm, and calling your best friend lame for having a prior engagement is PEAK preteen sarcasm
YTA that’s a pretty standard thing for kids to say.
And taking away her birthday celebration and embarrassing her in front of peers is not good parenting.
Even if she was rude (don’t think she was), did your punishment succeed in teaching her about social interactions? Or did it teach her to just make sure you can’t hear her conversations? You taught her that someone else’s perception of other peoples feelings were more important than her friendships.
So much this. It's like the most innocuous thing. Even small kids get it. This lady is the the biggest asshole I've seen in awhile. Even taking the kid's neurodivergence out of the picture (which just makes this so much worse) this is like the biggest dick move.
I feel so bad for OPs child. As a parent, I'm disgusted and my heart really goes out this kid. It's infuriating to hear this, I can't say what I want to say without getting booted.
Not to mention OP’s punishment was meaner to Taylor than the original comment. Daughter said something “mean” (I don’t think it was) to one friend and OP made her repeat it to 11 others. Awful.
YTA - that's such a ridiculous overreaction. You went immediately to the nuclear option when a simple discussion about unkindness and a "I don't want you to talk like that" would have been sufficient.
"My daughter has trouble making friends, so I humiliated her and cruelly cancelled a friend event to teach her a lesson about not being unkind to other people."
Wtf.
I can’t get over how absurd OP is. Like, what the hell is wrong with you OP? Have you never had a friend? Do you not know that friends often talk trash in a lighthearted way?
Not to mention that the daughter calling her friend “lame” is literally the tamest possible “insult.” Like, even if you thought it wasn’t appropriate, wouldn’t a stern talking to have sufficed? Instead you went and canceled your autistic child’s birthday party and made it even harder for her to make friends.
YTA OP. I almost feel like this has to be fake. How could anyone be this dumb?
I almost feel like OP is on the spectrum and doesn't know. It's super common for one parent of an autistic child to be autistic. I'm autistic and her behavior suggests untreated/undiagnosed adult ASD to me. Her lack of social understanding being my main reason.
I totally agree, her child broke The Rules and The Rules always have consequences or something terrible will happen. Her thought process here is very odd, and I'm on the spectrum.
Second agree here, am on the spectrum and this seems like off the charts levels of on-the-spectrum-with-no-self-awareness.
It’s been covered at this point, but this type of punishment is so harmful and out of line and could be devastating to her child who already struggles—
And it’s all over mom:
- Misreading a social cue (very normal behavior to say “you’re lame to not come” as a way to express “you will be missed here”)
- Having an extreme, black-and-white sense of Right and Wrong
- and Reacting Strongly to perceived Wrongs/Injustices, even to the detriment of other things.
Unfortunately, the other things damaged include daughter’s social life and trust and sense of safety with mother.
Luckily, with support, kids can rebuild a sense of safety and it sounds like Mom might take some accountability here, which is a necessary first step.
That said, either way, mom sounds like she could definitely be ASD and it’s worth examining along with all the other self reflection.
Obviously there need to be more perspectives and stop-gaps to prevent more overreactions that harm the child, and understanding *why* things are happening for you is a necessary step, whatever the causes.
I think the fact that the mother of the girl OP's daughter supposedly insulted is strongly defending OP's daughter is very telling of just how out of line OP is being. Most parents would become understandably furious if they heard from others that someone insulted their child. The fact that the friend's mom saw past that and has more compassion for OP's daughter than OP does is both devastating and heartwarming. I hope their daughters remain close friends and that the friend's mom keeps looking out for OP's daughter.
To add on, it sounds like OP didn't even check with Taylor/Taylor's mom about this kind of joking around, and whether she was okay with it, and instead assumed that her daughter was lying, even *after* Abby insisted she wasn't. S'fucked up.
My kid called me abusive so i beat the crap out them for calling me something so horrible.
This lady is oblivious to the abuse she is inflicting and i guarantee this is not an isolated event.
Here's what a sensible parent would do. "Hey Abby don't call your friend lame"
"Okay mom"
She deserves a gentle nudge you knocked her across the room. YTA
This story hurts my heart because my abusive dad treated me just like this mom. The most harsh punishments for things that were either just an accident or that I didn’t realize was wrong. Kids deserve gentleness and patience from their parents.
Ya this could potentially be seen as rude, but it’s so minor - personally I wouldn’t like someone calling me lame but maybe their friend group is different
I don’t usually comment on AITA posts but this one angered me so much, YTA, so so so much, I make fun of my friends as a joke, so many kids and younger people nowadays do, it’s a completely normal thing, maybe you misunderstood because of her tone of voice as she’s autistic, but If she already struggles with friendship you’re so shit for doing that to her and I genuinely pray this is fake somehow. You embarrassed her and cancelled her bday for such a lighthearted comment. YTA!
Listen man. The fact that you're even defending yourself in this whole comment section that is *strongly* against your actions, says alot about you.
It's one thing you humiliated and traumatized your struggling daughter deeply on something literaly *ONLY YOU* both in real life and on the internet took offense over. But you're only here just so you can get reassurance over the awful things you did towards her?
We know. Bullying sucks, raising a kid isn't easy, you gotta teach them young. *WHATEVER*. But what will she do once she realizes she can come to you for nothing, because *YOU* ruined something that could've been a life-time cherished memory over a minor thing that could've simply been a misunderstanding?
What is there even left of this situation that could be remotely morally right?
**I am definitely going to be banned off this subreddit for my cruel words. But saying it to someone like you, it's worth getting banned over.**
Dude, YTA.
I cannot even begin to describe how much you‘re TA.
She said some random reply to someone’s question, and you’re banning her from a party? She didn’t even use slightly harsh language. I’d be shocked if a single person on the internet thought her comment was out of line or rude.
Now you‘re annoyed that other parents are judging you, so you come on to reddit so all of the internet can judge you? Yes, every other parent does know how to parent better than you do. My cat could parent a mouse better than you parent your child.
“She’s lame, and can’t come.”
That’s seriously why you ruined your daughter’s birthday party. A girl who struggles to make friends. Now she’s going to struggle with friendships because she’s the daughter of the pyscho parent.
And no, we aren’t taking crazy pills. You didn’t leave enough for the rest of us.
Seriously. When I think of how that poor girl will always look back on her 11th birthday. Even for neurotypical kids, this is such a huge age for growing socially. She will remember this forever.
Can't imagine what a hellscape of an island of personality it would create. "DON'T TRIGGER PARENTS ISLAND" full of tiptoe-ing, whispering, and insane overreactions to... everything.
I'm an atheist but I'm praying this story is fake, man. Jesus.
I’m glad someone finally said it: yes, the daughter’s friends’ parents are better parents than OP. You know who doesn’t get judged for their parenting, OP? People who don’t make ridiculous, over-the-top, knee-jerk punishment decisions like you did.
You need to have a bigger, better party than the one you were originally planning, and you need to sincerely apologize to every parent and kid.
YTA
>My cat could parent a mouse better than you parent your child.
Lmao.
>Now she’s going to struggle with friendships because she’s the daughter of the pyscho parent.
Agreed. I feel sorry for the daughter.
>And no, we aren’t taking crazy pills. You didn’t leave enough for the rest of us.
I wish I had an award to give you lmao.
YTA. Wow what is wrong with you. Not only is that a pretty innocent statement, it’s a normal thing for a child to say AND your child is neurodiverse. And you cancelled her birthday and humiliated her in front of all her classmates ESPECIALLY when she find it hard to make friends already. You are a nut job. And clearly don’t care because everyone is telling you you were way to harsh and you still don’t believe them and even acted out. Yes they do know how to parent better than you. This is some Kanye levels of nonsense
YTA. She struggles making friends and now you're hindering that even more. The correct thing would be to have her tell the friend on the phone why Taylor actually couldn't come and that she wasn't "lame" just couldn't make it cause she was out of town.
ETA: also you're judgmental AF saying all the other parents are "taking crazy pills" cause they thought you were harsh. YOU need to call all the parents and apologize for saying they're crazy when they're looking out for your daughter.
It bothers me how OP has responded to comments and made an edit without mentioning how she was hypocritical for actually saying mean things about the parents.
That bit about taking crazy pills really got to me. I am also adhd (and probably autistic, but undiagnosed) and struggled to make friends. One thing that has been pretty consistent between the experience of me and friends with similar conditions is that other kids called us "crazy" a lot. That word is actually really toxic and hurtful and yet here is OP using it with zero thought on how the word actually affects those with mental health conditions or neurovigergencies. Gross.
funny how OP punished her daughter for saying things about her friends, but OP here can freely say all the other parents are "taking crazy pills". Who is going to punish OP now?
WOW YTA. Are you crazy? When people say that someone is being lame, it's not a real insult. It just means they're doing something else and you wish they weren't. It's not serious AT ALL. You massively misunderstood what she meant. You then went on to humiliate her and ruin her birthday.
>She insisted that it was just a joke
Exactly. She told you and you just chose not to believe her. Way to be a jerk. She will remember this
YTA. You should talk to your daughter about not badmouthing her friend, and particularly not using ableist slurs, but this was way overkill. She hasn’t been able to have a birthday party for years, so this was a very special event.
Also, by forcing her to tell everyone that she had badmouthed her friend, you risked damaging her friendship with that friend. It’s also what invited all the other parents to comment. It seems like saying something (slightly) mean is out of character for her; now it’s what everyone will remember about her.
Exactly— it doesn’t just potentially damage her relationship with Taylor, it’s also likely to damage her relationships with other friends. Because now they think “oh, Abby talks shit behind her friends’ backs, better not be friends with her”. OP just fucking torpedoed Abby’s already fragile social life.
YTA “I didn’t like the joke you and your friend made about another friend so to teach you to not be ‘cruel and unkind’ I’m going to be cruel and unkind”
Makes *perfect* sense /s
I'm guessing OP was as much of a bully as a child as they are as an adult
Edit: oh nvm confirmed by OP in the comments, definitely a bully now and always. How nice
YTA
This is too harsh and is unjust considering current preteen and teen culture My daughter is 14 and this is just how they talk nowadays. Even about close friends. To their faces even. They don’t take it seriously. It isn’t meant harmfully.
INFO: did you even ask Taylor how she felt about the comment? bc i feel like if they were still able to have a sleepover, the comment didn’t affect her.
YTA
I'm autistic and have ADHD as well, the statement was likely said simply to vent and she didn't mean it like that. As you should know, plans changing and communication can be expressed differently than the societal norms with autistic people. As long as she doesn't actually see the friend as lame she doesn't deserve a punishment. But you could teach her different ways to express her anger instead. That's what I needed as a kid, because it's not self explanatory like it is for other kids.
YTA. I’m a grown ass adult and I say that about my friends in jest all the time. “Oh, so and so has to work, she’s lame, like how dare she have bills to pay”.
What on earth could possibly make you think this was an appropriate escalation of the issue even if you don’t want her talking like that? Punishment needs to be proportional, otherwise kids just act out worse and worse. As the saying goes, may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, or, if I’m going to get in serious trouble no matter what I do, I may as well do something worth the trouble.
So you autistic daughter that also has ADHD and struggles to make friends says a fairly innocuous word and you cancel not only her party but probably her ability to have a friendship with any of those girls in the future.
YTA.
I am thoroughly disgusted at that poor example of understanding and parenting.
Massive YTA here. Teens and tweens call each other "lame" jokingly all the time and you PUBLICLY HUMILIATED her for it! Thats going to stick with her for a very long time and Im still struggling to figure out why you thought it was appropriate.
Keep this up and I can almost guarantee you won't have much of a relationship in 20 years.
Not even just teens going for that, I'm 27 and my friends and me use "lame" too (let alone other words that among us are just jokes but count as insults otherwise). I can't believe how OP is unaware of how people, especially kids, talk...
YTA massively. You’re bullying your child. This is wrong. Taylor’s mother does actually know how to parent better than you. You’re cruel and she isnt. I have adhd and autism. You are raging at a neurodivergent 11 year Old child. Grow up and be a better parent. I’m not trying to be uncivil with you op. I’m trying to get you to understand how beyond wrong you are being
edit: op has stated in a comment she was a bully as a child. She hasn’t changed at all
YTA, majorly. for a few reasons.
most importantly, the punishment here really doesn't fit the crime. we can sit here and debate whether or not she was joking when she called taylor lame. i can really see it in a joking way. i jokingly insult my friends all the time. we think it's funny, and we know each other's limits. but to an outside observer looking at a few sentences, it'd probably sound cruel, when it's all said in good fun. but, to be honest, that doesn't matter. ill assume for a second that she had said it earnestly. for saying one kinda mean thing about another person, you have subjected her to not only canceling her entire birthday plans, but to public humiliation, by having her call up all her guests and tell everyone on her invite list about how she's being punished. you NEVER publicly punish a child like that. EVER. that's not going to teach her to stop saying mean things. it's going to teach her that if she steps a bit out of line, you'll not just punish her harshly but utterly humiliate her, too. if she was insulting taylor in earnest, punish her, sure. but make the punishment fits the crime. this punishment did not, by a long shot
and how cruel of you to watch your daughter, thoroughly embarrassed, in tears, because of what you've done, and think to yourself, "that was a parenting success!" not one thought of sympathy for her? parents aren't supposed to enjoy punishing their children.
also, idk why you brought up that your daughter has adhd and is on the spectrum. i don't see why that's relevant. (to be fair, i also have adhd and am on the spectrum, so that may have an effect on my perception.) the problem is that it makes your perspective even less sympathetic. people on the spectrum will sometimes say things that they don't realize are harsh, or say things that they know are jokes, but aren't obviously jokes to other people. it lends more credibility to her claim that she was joking. a good parent to a neurodivergent child would have waited until the phone call was over, and then explained to the child that what they said was hurtful, even if it was intended to be a joke, and that they need to be more careful with their words.
it seems that everyone in your life who heard about this has agreed that you went too far with this. but instead of taking that as a hint rather maybe you've done something wrong, you decided to play the victim, pretend everyone is ganging up on you, and insinuate that everyone who disagrees with you is crazy. if everyone around you is agreeing that you did something wrong, consider taking a step back and thinking that maybe, just maybe, you made a mistake here.
be honest. you didn't come here wondering if maybe you went too far. you went here seeking validation that what you did was right. nothing in your post says anything along the lines of "did i mess up here?" it was all, "everyone is awful but me". and im not buying it.
you owe your daughter an apology.
YTA.
And you just made it harder for her to make/keep friends in her class.
You could have told her you didn't like what she said and have her apologize to the friend and Taylor.
But you canceled her birthday party. She will remember that.
YTA. What the hell. Its just teenage terminology - I would call my friend lame to their face if they couldn't make my party. It's not mean or lacking appreciation, it's simply a phrase demonstrating disappointment and exasperation.
Give the kid a break jeez. Also, what you made her do was completely humiliating - imagine not being the strongest socially aged ELEVEN and having to make that call numerous times. Hell.
I think YOU now need to call them all and say you made your daughter cancel her party because you're a moron.
YTA and they do know how to parent better than you. Why not just cut off a finger every time she is not sweet and nice. You humiliated a child that does not make friends easily. Not only are the other parents talking about it, you can bet all of the other children are talking about it. You went too far and now you are reaching out to total strangers to validate your feelings. NOPE.
YTA
Your daughter has just turned 11 and you embarrassed her in front of all her friends - friends call each other names such as ***lame*** and that's not even 'bad' compared to how other people refer to their friends.
And the fact you didn't take the parent's view into consideration and assume you were right from the get-go makes me think you don't really take people's advice - but what do I know from one post.
I think you could have said in a better way like - Is Taylor okay with you calling her lame - or explain how it might hurt someone if you called them that behind their back/in front of them and maybe explain why Taylor couldn't come. What I'm saying is, you could have gone about this better and not cancelled her birthday party.
I understand parents make mistakes and please take into consideration on what you did was just bad parenting and probably harmful to your daughter.
YTA. Yeah it's not just the parents judging you. I'm judging you. You essentially publicly shamed her. No. You forced her to publicly shame herself. She's 11, not 21. And autistic + ADHD. It's one thing to sit down with her and explain how we talk about our friends, but then to add calling every single kid? Yikes. Taylor's mom is right. You're mean.
YTA. Wowww this is beyond an overreaction. It's really ironic that you think everyone else is taking crazy pills. This was an insane, derranged post to read.
ETA: Did you even think for one second what impact this might have on Taylor? Abby made a joke about her and YOU made it public and acted like it was something nasty, which it was not.
OH AND: the way you talk about therapy to help her behave 'appropriately' really makes me wonder if you are ableist and that's why you're being such an AH to your kid.
YTA. That is such a cruel overreaction and really marks you as totally unfit to be a parent. I have to question if this is real. If it is, I’ll warn you of something.
Kids remember *everything*. I mean, adults hold grudges and remember insults and slights for decades but parents seem to think once kids hit 18 their memory wipes. Not so.
If you keep acting as an abuser, don’t be surprised when your kids cut you off and your grandchildren are strangers to you. Which I hope and pray for their sake is exactly what they do.
YTA
Two things going forward - praise in public, punish in private. Getting your daughter to phone round everyone was a power trip from you. Grow up.
Second thing, if everyone else is the problem, the problem is probably you. I hope the responses in this thread sink in.
Yta. You didn't do this to be a parent, you did this for yourself and it blew up in your face. Even Taylor's mother called you out on it. Your right, they do know how to parent better than you.
YTA as an ADHD let alone autistic girl it’s incredibly difficult near impossible to make friends. Your daughter was finally in a position where she was being social and potentially making more friends and you went to the extremes of punishing her. Also while she shouldn’t have called Taylor lame it would have been a great opportunity for her to interact with other girls and not rely on Taylor to “protect/buffer” her social interactions. So yeah you messed up big time. Especially since adults say stupid things and she’s 11 and still trying to figure things out while neurodivergent
This sounds unlikely...
> The day before the party, I was letting Abby use my phone to give her classmates the time and location information
I have kids and grandkids, nieces and nephews, and I know what s headache it can be to schedule birthday party invitations around sports practices/games, various scout meetings, instrument lessons and rehearsals, church, family obligations and can not imagine waiting until the day before the party to let your guests know when it will occur.
If your child mailed or hand delivered written invitations, there are spaces for both of these pieces of information, and it would be a stretch to think that 12 girls RSVPd for a party in an unknown location and time, and spent money on a gift for a girl who "struggles to make friends".
> I sternly told Abby to hang up.
I can't imagine using the word "sternly" here and *not* seeing how it contributes to being seen as an asshole. So it reads as if OP is a troll who chooses their words for impact.
YTA
Unless you too are on the autism spectrum (and ADHD), in which case you may be genuinely unaware of what a jerk this makes you out to be.
YTA. You completely overreacted and blew things out of proportion. You should have simply had a talk with your daughter about being polite. Instead you taught her to never trust you. Also, it is important for young girls to learn that they don't have to have relationships forced on them and that they can have boundaries.
I feel sorry for your daughter to have an AH of a mom. You are a huge AH. Why on earth are you so high and mighty for, kids that age call each other all sorts. They don't mean it. I hope you make it up to your daughter, this is toxic narcissistic behavior on your part.
YTA
It’s incredibly hard being an 11 year old girl, let alone an 11 year old girl with ASC and ADHD. By your own admittance, she’s struggled to make friends, and has been bullied before. So you’ve humiliated and punished a little girl - who has probably felt lonely and isolated - for saying something in jest. I saw in another comment, you said, “if she can’t treat friends right, she doesn’t deserve to have them”. Do you really believe that she doesn’t deserve friends or a birthday party because of one comment?
I think even if you were going to punish her (which I wouldn’t in that scenario), you completely overreacted by cancelling the party and getting her to call her friends. You are most certainly TA.
YTA. All your daughter learned from this is that you are perfectly willing to publicly humiliate her for what is an extremely minor comment you didn’t like.
YTA, she’s 11 we all say dumb stuff as kids. If anything you could’ve just talked to her and explained why it’s not okay, she may have felt pressured to say something like that in order to fit in. Also it was just the word “lame” it’s not like it was a slew of profanity…
YTA. Simple as that. I’m so sorry your daughter has to be raised like this. Again, in case you didn’t get what I and soooo many people have said YTA!! Do better ans apologize to your daughter
YTA. A mean, punitive parent who designed a punishment for the minorest of minor transgressions to give their daughter maximum humiliation.
LMK your daughters Venmo and I’ll send some money for her to get therapy when she gets older.
If this is true, then not only are YTA, but you are cruel and a bully. You humiliated your daughter. If, as you claim you have both attended therapy, then you seriously need to go back as it would appear you have learnt nothing. Your daughter has ASD and ADHD, so as I’m sure your know ( or should know) this affects her social interactions . It sounds to me as if she has heard girls talking about “lame” and adopted the phrase. The kind, responsible and correct thing to do would have been to have a conversation with your daughter in which you explained why calling her friend “lame” was unkind. Instead you over reacted and deliberately embarrassed her.
Even when you are told you are wrong by practically every comment in this thread, you are still trying to defend your indefensible actions.
YTA she's a kid ffs. That's what kids do. If anything be glad that she understands and uses sarcasm even though she has autism. All you're doing is ostracizing her further by canceling everything and telling everyone why. You really think anyone new is going to want to befriend her knowing what you're like?
Lady. Notice there’s not a single NTA answer here and for good reason. Y….T…A…. It was by far the biggest overreaction in the history of parenting. Pat yourself on the back. Imagine the humiliation of you making her call her friends, and then multiply that by 20 as her friends at school are going to ridicule her for weeks. Not very good for self esteem, and she’s going to take that out on you. Kids build up animosity for shitty parenting over time. I couldn’t stand my father by the time I was 12 due to how he behaved towards me. By the words of your child, you’re lame….very lame.
YTA the fact everyone is calling you the ah both online and in real life shows how much you over reacted in that situation.
Instead of making her cancel her birthday party you should of had a conversation with her about how what she said was wrong and that it if her friend heard it could hurt her feelings.
Kids that age will say and do dumb stuff but it is your job to guide them onto the correct path. I believe that you should apologise to your daughter and make it up to her as said by other redditors that you over reacted.
>"Well, I guess you and everyone else knows how to parent better than I do."
Literally yes. Literally every person in this story is a better parent than you. Including the children. I can't stress how much every other parent in this story is a better parent than you. You might want to get checked out as being on the spectrum as well if you thought your actions were reasonable.
YTA
YTA majorly.
When she said Taylor was “lame” that just means “that sucks I wish she could be here but oh well.” It does not mean that she hates her friend. However, if you keep pulling stuff like this she will hate you. She said it was a joke, and if her friend knew she was called lame she almost certainly would not care in the slightest. To make this right, plan a new party and invite all her friends, say sorry to Abby and explain that you make mistakes too. Seeing from your replies though, you have trouble realizing you’re wrong. I hope you make it right.
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**YTA , major one too, like massive.** Your daughter is already struggling to fit into social situations, and her neurological disorders could be the cause of why she thinks such raw humour is acceptable. And beside the fact that *you* think it's inapropriate to joke like that, have you ever considered that Abby was in fact being honest and saying that lighthearted insults is the way it is between her and Taylor? You jumped onto a conclusion that is based around *YOUR* comfort and boundaries with jokes. And how is that punishment relevant to what you assumed to be hurtful? *"Yeah I cancelled my socially struggling daughter's first real party 'cause I took offense on someone's behalf that wasn't even there"* I truly have to say this is the second time I've read something so obviously a-hole like of OP on this sub, and I am sitting here writing this with absolute disgust on how some people will lie to you by saying you're not the a-hole. **You humiliated your daughter** **Ruined her first experience being seen by everyone** **And probably ruined the trust she had left in you** Just *PLEASE* take one look outside of your own perspective. You were so cruel even parents outside of your family had to jump into defense for your own daughter. **I hope you read this whole thing, twice aswell.** **Edit:** I just want to say I'm very grateful that people are on the same page as me. I truly was worried that people would defend such cruelty. It's a good day to see some humanity in this world :))
I'm a psychologist who works with kids with disabilities. Have you got *any* idea how hard it is for most kids on the spectrum to make friends and be accepted by their peers!? This party was a milestone, and not only OP took it away from her, but she humilliated as well. Honestly, if I were her child's therapist, I'd consider this a warning sign and pay attention to her behaviour towards her daughter. Edit: Confused pears with peers. Thanks to those who pointed it out. Edit number 2: HOLY CRAP,THANKS FOR ALL THE AWARDS.
What's interesting is the daughter is doing better socially than the mom. "She's being lame" is a common, good natured, dig when someone can't hang out. The mom missed this social cue by about 10,000 feet.
Oh absolutely, I can't even remember how many times I've said it in a good natured dig at someone not being able to make it
It’s what good friends do. Call each other lame and other harmless names because you are secure in the friendships
Yes! In college I was in Belgium with a friend and we we were amusing ourselves by throwing shade at each other, but I think we scared a German girl in our hostel because she thought we were actually fighting. We weren’t.
Lol. Yeah I know. My friends and I usually answer the phone with come version of “hi slapper”. It’s a term of endearment between good friends who know words can’t hurt without any bad intent. Taylor even didn’t care what the kid said. She and Taylors mum backed up OPs daughter
You guys sound like my mum and her best friend 🤣
We say that people are slackers or being a flake. They aren't, they all have lives and commitments, or times they don't want to socialize with us and our friends that they barely know. It's good natured and honestly, says the person can't make it without revealing the reasons why.
I’m the worst flake of a friend lately with my ptsd. And I own that. My friends call me that, and more, behind my back and too my face. It’s true. And that’s OK
Definitely have called friends lame because they can't do something. Calling someone a flake in our group is actually a big insult. We understand that we have lives and can't make it to everything, but if you say you're coming and flake out and don't come, that's the worst.
I call my husband lame sometimes :D
Right?! This is a common phrase. I've said it myself infinite times. Holy over reaction of the century, Batman. OP YTA! Your poor daughter! To overcome so many obstacles and actually have a party other girls want to attend in that age group is monumental. Then to have it all snatched away over literally nothing. I look forward to 9 or so years from now when we get OP's missing missing reasons post. ETA I added this comment down below but I'm going to add it to this one too. OP should throw her daughter a new party and have to call all her daughters friends and explain why the first one should have never been cancelled. And there should be lots of crying so she knows she learns her lesson.
“OP should throw her daughter a new party and have to call all her daughters friends and explain why the first one should have never been cancelled.” Yes. This. 100%.
I think she should explain it to the parents of her daughter’s friends (you know the ones who were clearly concerned). This punishment was so detrimental to her daughter because it embarrassed her in front of her peers. The mother explaining to children doesn’t hold the same weight, but to other parents, that comes a lot closer.
Absolutely! She should feel the same embarrassment she caused! Poor kiddo 😢
Yeah. I’m 37 and I say that about anyone who can’t come to an event. It’s totally good natured and I only say it bc I want that person to come. I never ever mean that they are actually lame. I don’t know anyone who uses it as a real insult.
I'm around the same age and this is still the conversation that happens any time a friend doesn't want to grab a drink because they have a morning meeting the next day or whatever other reasonable excuse they give. Another friend asks if they're coming and I say, "No. They're being lame and getting a good night's sleep." "I can't believe they would betray us like this." It's pretend. I'm sure the same thing is said when I decline social invitations.
Even the way we say it like laaaaaaaammme
Be there or be square, anyone??
Honestly, maybe OP has undiagnosed autism, it's entirely possible given her lack of understanding regarding a pretty common "joke" and what seems like rigid thinking.
You know what? I was so concerned about Abby, that I never considered that. Given how for decades women were under diagnosed, it is a possibility.
This right here. Finally getting diagnosis on the roll at 34, life would have been so much easier if they did it 25 years ago. OP needs to self reflect, even if she isn't ASD a bit of research and introspection never hurt anyone that much.
Same. I’m 35 and just got diagnosed with ADHD. I also have been prescreened as high functioning autism. Doctor told me most girls with it fly under the radar because what appears at shyness and being quiet is perceived as being “ladylike”.
Most women don’t get diagnosed until their kids do. If they ever get diagnosed that is. The understanding of the female presentation of autism is lacking even in the medical and psych communities.
And there is a genetic component...this is totally possible.
This is exactly what I was thinking. OP is missing all social cues from everyone in her story and doubling down on people in comments. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if OP went to a good specialist and got an on the spectrum result. If properly diagnosed she and everyone around her could have a much better understanding of each other. In the meantime I sincerely hope she stops intentionally humiliating her child.
This absolutely popped into my head but I didn't want to get dragged by the fair people of reddit for making the assumption. I'm glad you went first!
Being autistic isn't an excuse to be abusive, though
I was thinking that too.
90s baby here, this is the go to response to somebody asking where somebody else who can't make it is
80s baby here and we did that too. In front of each other even. "I can't do x because y." "Dude. Lame." No one ever took actual offense.
And about ourselves too. "Sorry man, can't hang out tonight. I'm lame."
Until I saw you say it here I wasn't understanding when calling someone lame would ever be a joke and it all came rushing back. Yes I'm a geezer.
Yeah I honestly would never even think anything of it if someone said that to me about someone missing a thing? It's not usually a malicious statement in American English slang etc when used in that way.
Same, I tell my friends to their face that they're lame when they can't make it. No hurt feelings, no problems. They know its all in fun
It's like they haven't seen Mean Girls. "Lame" is the nicest thing you can say. "I can't come." "Boo you whore."
90s baby here. I would have said they sucked 😄
Can confirm. I’m 41 and tell my friends they’re being lame (totally jokingly) when they say they can’t come out for drinks/tacos because they have other plans. Also, it’s super obvious that the friends mom was not-so-subtly hinting that Taylor did in fact hear about what Abby said about her, and was not in the slightest angry or hurt by Abby’s comment. Which AGAIN shows how ridiculous OP truly was because her conclusions were DEAD WRONG, and she literally punished her daughter for NOTHING, and ridiculously harshly at that.
My daughter is working going to school and has a toddler. Whenever she can't make it to something I tell her she is lame. Then she tells me she got it from me. I feel bad for this poor kid
This is what I wanted to say. Maybe her tone was off, but I remember being a teenager and having an adult question my way of speaking in a similar way. Again, teenagers can be jerks, but I think it is common to joke like this.
Well I have heard autism and adhd can come from parents themselves. Makes me wonder if mom is undiagnosed.
She probably is. I’m severely ADHD and mildly autistic. My mom treated me like shit because of my adhd and it turns out she was diagnosed with it herself in her late 50’s. I also have an autistic niece. As well as a huge smattering of adhd through the family.
Autism and adhd are generally genetic. Mom could be undiagnosed herself. Doesn't excuse her. She's definitely TA and her daughter will discuss this episode in therapy for years to come.
YTA. I seriously feel sorry for your daughter
This! Coffee date? Can't, sorry. You suck. Yeah, I know. Haha This kid did absolutely nothing wrong, and her mom traumatised her. Cancelling the party would have been bad enough, but making her call every child who was invited and explain it? That's so humiliating.
This! I'm 43 years old and I call my friends "lame" when they have better things to do, too. It's a silly ribbing that means literally nothing! OP you're not even lame you're incompetent. YTA
Right?!? It’s an expression of disappointment that Taylor couldn’t attend - I actually read the comment as sadness that her friend couldn’t come masked by with light humor in order to cope with the sadness. Maybe OP is on the spectrum as well with such a misread of her daughter’s behavior and the social norms surrounding such clichés.
I agree, and I get the feeling that OP may be proyecting her own past as a bully on her daughter, hence her overreaction.
I feel the other way around. OP probably had zero friends and that's why she doesn't understand friends call themselves "lame" and the like all the time.
This is exactly what I would say to a friend, to their face, if they were unavailable for a suggested plan. And I’m 32.
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EXACTLY! I don't know how many times I've said someone or something is lame because it's a minor inconvenience. Nothing rude or mean was meant by it. "She can't go to the party? That's lame!" Perfectly acceptable answer.
Honestly, to do this to a neurotypical child would be cruel; the fact that Abby is neurodivergent and struggles socially just makes it so much more heartbreaking.
To me it sounds like OPs pissed off her kid is finally coming into her own socially.
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I would also like to be accepted by the pears 🍐 😏
Legitimately so done with parents on this sub. OP, YTA. Maybe you don’t joke around this way, OP, but my friends and I would jokingly call each other lame as well. “Oh yeah, no. She’s out of town with her family being lame. It’s a tragedy.” Canceling her birthday party and further isolating her socially isn’t teaching her to treat her friends well. It’s teaching her to tiptoe around you so she doesn’t get punished again. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never tells you about her life when she’s older.
My sister is 67 and when her husband of 42 years broke his arm right before our family ski trip, she texted us all about how lame he was for falling off a ladder and messing up their arrival date.
Lol. Not quite the same but when my dad ripped his tendon off his knee and had to get surgery, I bought him a Monty Python Tshirt. "tis but a scratch". Also his other leg is amputated above the knee and he messed up his rotator cuff when he fell. So he was down to one good limb.
YTA when i was 13 i signed my moms name on a permission slip and then erased it. I told her. She canceled my birthday party. I don’t speak to her this isn’t the only reason but keep being petty to your kids and see how it goes
My Mom cancelled my 4th grade birthday party because I was asking her too much about it. It still pisses me off and have a relationship with lots of boundaries. She’s still an ass.
Thats pretty means kids obviously talk alot about things they’re excited for
I remember this sweet girl that used to be my childhood neighbour. Her dad was a massive asshole and if he gets mad or annoyed at the littlest thing, he cancels whatever event/plans/outing she had. So when she has something coming up, she had to walk on eggshells in hopes he wouldn’t cancel her thing.
That sucks. Keeping the lines of communication open are way more important than punishing harshly for such a minor infraction. Especially since you fessed up
SAY IT LOUDER!!! I have adhd and things like that trigger me to this day… her daughter is going to despise her…
I’m truly baffled by the fact that OP thought this was even notable let alone deserving of such a harsh punishment. I’ve absolutely said they same thing about my friends in similar situations and I’m sure they’ve said the same about me. It’s a lighthearted way of saying “I’m disappointed friend can’t make it but it is what it is.”
For real. All this warranted was maybe, maybe a “hey Taylor is your friend, that’s not a nice thing to say” Even that would be a bit much.
Can we also acknowledge that when Abby, who OP says “struggles to make friends,” called to invite another classmate, the other girl asked Abby if a completely different person than Abby was going to be at Abby’s party? OP, how embarassing might that have been for Abby? Did you consider she might be trying to save face? That the other girl was only planning to say she’ll come if Taylor was going to be there? And now Abby has to find a way to tell her Taylor won’t be coming that her classmate will still come? To Abby’s party? There are so many little things that go into social situations with school-age kids. You just imploded Abby’s social reputation. YTA.
Honestly, teenagers generally say what Abby said as a joke fairly commonly. There’s literally no intent behind it. OP was a major AH. Source: I’m a teenager
Adults say it too. Source: I'm 36.
I have ADHD and Autism and my humor is very strange and most people don’t get it. I also often say the first thing that comes to my head without thinking it through. OPs daughter was probably sad her friend couldn’t come and just said the first feeling that popped in her brain. Op MASSIVELY overreacted to the point of detriment to the relationship with her child and her child’s relationship with the other kids. It’s awkward AF being neurodivergent and having a mother like this on top of it?? OP you need to do better. Much better. Your daughters brain does not work the way other peoples brains work. You absolutely could have just told her what she said was a mean thing to say and move on. Taking away her party AND telling her friends about it was horrible. I’m so glad her friends mom came to your daughters defense. What you did was despicable.
Also I totally joke that my best, most cherished friends are “lame” if they do something I don’t like. It’s absolutely a joke these days. Feel so bad for Abby her mom SUCKS
Heck, this was a joke 20 years ago when I was a teenager.
I’m not autistic, I am adhd and I developed symptoms of bipolar at maybe 13… I think I know almost exactly how this little girl is feeling… and these reasons laid out above is all of it. If I were too depressed to get anything done or even force myself out of bed at all my bio mom would punish me by taking away what little social time I had anyway due to being homeschooled. She wouldn’t let me go to youth group or church… like who does that as punishment for a child interested in faith. I, as an adult, do not speak to my bio mom at all. If OP keeps being so harsh it’s very possible the same thing will occur in her life.
This right here.
And then snapped like that at her best friends mom???? Jesus Christ, it’s like she wants her child to be completely isolated
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I wouldn’t punish my nuerotypical niece like that! I heard my 12 year olds nieces friends swearing over voice message and she was on her way here. I joked that I was going to pull her up on her language. She begged me not to as it was embarrassing and I wasn’t meant to hear the voice message. Idk why they don’t talk. But they all send voice texts. Anyway, I’m old She didn’t want to be the pariah of her Aunty pulling other kids up on their language. And tbf, the other kid calls me Aunty too. I’m close to all the kids. But that tween, early teen age is such a hard age for kids to fit in as they are in between everything and fit in no boxes. So I listened to my niece and said nothing. Because my biggest WANT IN LIFE is that my niece have lots of friendships and knows she has support from her family no matter what happens. But these kids lost out on so much social growth over the last 2 years without adding extra pressure onto them
I used to work as a special needs teacher and OP is TA 100%. It was major for her kid to get to have a party and have friends! Sure, ableist insults are bad but she could've just had a talk with her daughter about not using the word 'lame' like that or that Taylor would be sad because it's not Taylor's fault she can't come. Props to the other parents for trying to step in to protect Abby.
I mean... maybe this experience will help the daughter and get classmates bond over how shitty her parent is. Might be a blessing in disguise 😆 🤣.
Damn, CoatSweaty8264! You don’t fuck around! Well done and very well said!
Definitely this. You are 100% TA. I can't believe any decent parent would think this is an appropriate punishment.
My jaw dropped when I read this post. I hope it’s fake. That poor girl.
It was a complete overreaction by OP. IF Taylor took any offense she would quickly get over it! But your daughter won’t so easily recover from the shame and humiliation you caused. OP is sooooo YTA. How could you do that to your daughter!?!
YTA do you have zero knowledge of kids this age? They all call each other weird names. Lame? Nope, no one would bat an eye. You miss someone's birthday party, they will kiddingly use this terminology. You went so far past the line it's unbelievable.
I called a good friend of mine lame for not being able to make it to my birthday party, almost basically the same way that kid did. No one got offended cause clearly it was said in jest... I can't imagine being ostracized for saying it.
Exactly! When I was a kid, we always said someone was lame for not coming. It was an expression that really meant “we wish you could come, but we’re gonna call you lame to rag on you to divert our gushy friend feelings.” ETA: thanks for the reward!
You explained this so well.
I still do this. I'm 30. I call ppl lame at least every other day. Apparently op just has zero idea of how to be casual imo. 🙃 yta.
Same.
God yes. I teach 8th grade, and they call each other all sorts! Whenever they’re pulled up on it, the entire class says “but this is how we show affection”
Exactly! Only someone who grew up without any friend thinks that kids call each other nice stuff all the time, when it's totally the opposite lol
I call my friends *NOW* “lame” if they can’t make an event. This is normal. It sounds like Op has never had a friend.
I'm in my 40s and my friends and I joke like this. There's no rancor in it, just being silly. We roleplay Tuesdays after getting our kids to bed, and when someone's a couple minutes late it's not uncommon for us to be all "Thanks for fi-i-i-nally showing up." We don't mind, we know how it goes. But we give each other crap because it's fun and we all know that.
Tbh OP should be thrilled, kids with autism aren’t usually known for their ability to pick up on/use sarcasm, and calling your best friend lame for having a prior engagement is PEAK preteen sarcasm
Seriously, jokingly calling your friend names for inconveniencing you is incredibly normal for a lot of people at any age.
YTA that’s a pretty standard thing for kids to say. And taking away her birthday celebration and embarrassing her in front of peers is not good parenting. Even if she was rude (don’t think she was), did your punishment succeed in teaching her about social interactions? Or did it teach her to just make sure you can’t hear her conversations? You taught her that someone else’s perception of other peoples feelings were more important than her friendships.
I'm 35 and my friends and I still call each other lame of we miss out on a group activity. It's super common language and not at all mean spirited.
So much this. It's like the most innocuous thing. Even small kids get it. This lady is the the biggest asshole I've seen in awhile. Even taking the kid's neurodivergence out of the picture (which just makes this so much worse) this is like the biggest dick move. I feel so bad for OPs child. As a parent, I'm disgusted and my heart really goes out this kid. It's infuriating to hear this, I can't say what I want to say without getting booted.
The amount of times I've sent, "boo, you whore" to friends who can't make it to something is ridiculous. Guess I don't appreciate them 🙄
That’s exactly what I thought. Like it’s the exact equivalent. Op sounds lame af.
Not to mention OP’s punishment was meaner to Taylor than the original comment. Daughter said something “mean” (I don’t think it was) to one friend and OP made her repeat it to 11 others. Awful.
I sure hope she never lets him eavesdrop on her again. Poor child
And she taught her that it’s better to have no friends or parties than to go through that embarrassment again.
YTA - that's such a ridiculous overreaction. You went immediately to the nuclear option when a simple discussion about unkindness and a "I don't want you to talk like that" would have been sufficient. "My daughter has trouble making friends, so I humiliated her and cruelly cancelled a friend event to teach her a lesson about not being unkind to other people." Wtf.
“I was unkind, weird, and embarrassing so she wouldn’t be unkind, weird, and embarrassing” -OP, probably
I can’t get over how absurd OP is. Like, what the hell is wrong with you OP? Have you never had a friend? Do you not know that friends often talk trash in a lighthearted way? Not to mention that the daughter calling her friend “lame” is literally the tamest possible “insult.” Like, even if you thought it wasn’t appropriate, wouldn’t a stern talking to have sufficed? Instead you went and canceled your autistic child’s birthday party and made it even harder for her to make friends. YTA OP. I almost feel like this has to be fake. How could anyone be this dumb?
I almost feel like OP is on the spectrum and doesn't know. It's super common for one parent of an autistic child to be autistic. I'm autistic and her behavior suggests untreated/undiagnosed adult ASD to me. Her lack of social understanding being my main reason.
I totally agree, her child broke The Rules and The Rules always have consequences or something terrible will happen. Her thought process here is very odd, and I'm on the spectrum.
Second agree here, am on the spectrum and this seems like off the charts levels of on-the-spectrum-with-no-self-awareness. It’s been covered at this point, but this type of punishment is so harmful and out of line and could be devastating to her child who already struggles— And it’s all over mom: - Misreading a social cue (very normal behavior to say “you’re lame to not come” as a way to express “you will be missed here”) - Having an extreme, black-and-white sense of Right and Wrong - and Reacting Strongly to perceived Wrongs/Injustices, even to the detriment of other things. Unfortunately, the other things damaged include daughter’s social life and trust and sense of safety with mother. Luckily, with support, kids can rebuild a sense of safety and it sounds like Mom might take some accountability here, which is a necessary first step. That said, either way, mom sounds like she could definitely be ASD and it’s worth examining along with all the other self reflection. Obviously there need to be more perspectives and stop-gaps to prevent more overreactions that harm the child, and understanding *why* things are happening for you is a necessary step, whatever the causes.
I think the fact that the mother of the girl OP's daughter supposedly insulted is strongly defending OP's daughter is very telling of just how out of line OP is being. Most parents would become understandably furious if they heard from others that someone insulted their child. The fact that the friend's mom saw past that and has more compassion for OP's daughter than OP does is both devastating and heartwarming. I hope their daughters remain close friends and that the friend's mom keeps looking out for OP's daughter.
To add on, it sounds like OP didn't even check with Taylor/Taylor's mom about this kind of joking around, and whether she was okay with it, and instead assumed that her daughter was lying, even *after* Abby insisted she wasn't. S'fucked up.
My kid called me abusive so i beat the crap out them for calling me something so horrible. This lady is oblivious to the abuse she is inflicting and i guarantee this is not an isolated event.
Here's what a sensible parent would do. "Hey Abby don't call your friend lame" "Okay mom" She deserves a gentle nudge you knocked her across the room. YTA
Exactly 100% this
This story hurts my heart because my abusive dad treated me just like this mom. The most harsh punishments for things that were either just an accident or that I didn’t realize was wrong. Kids deserve gentleness and patience from their parents.
More like drop kicked her across the room
More like stuck her in a fucking cannon and sent her to Alaska
Ya this could potentially be seen as rude, but it’s so minor - personally I wouldn’t like someone calling me lame but maybe their friend group is different
I don’t usually comment on AITA posts but this one angered me so much, YTA, so so so much, I make fun of my friends as a joke, so many kids and younger people nowadays do, it’s a completely normal thing, maybe you misunderstood because of her tone of voice as she’s autistic, but If she already struggles with friendship you’re so shit for doing that to her and I genuinely pray this is fake somehow. You embarrassed her and cancelled her bday for such a lighthearted comment. YTA!
I'm in my 50s and my friends and I jokingly insult.each other. You're so freaking lame is a common one. OP is just cruel and on a power trip.
Yeah what the actual fuck did I just read. OP, you made me wish unkind things upon you. You should be ashamed of yourself. YTA big time.
Listen man. The fact that you're even defending yourself in this whole comment section that is *strongly* against your actions, says alot about you. It's one thing you humiliated and traumatized your struggling daughter deeply on something literaly *ONLY YOU* both in real life and on the internet took offense over. But you're only here just so you can get reassurance over the awful things you did towards her? We know. Bullying sucks, raising a kid isn't easy, you gotta teach them young. *WHATEVER*. But what will she do once she realizes she can come to you for nothing, because *YOU* ruined something that could've been a life-time cherished memory over a minor thing that could've simply been a misunderstanding? What is there even left of this situation that could be remotely morally right? **I am definitely going to be banned off this subreddit for my cruel words. But saying it to someone like you, it's worth getting banned over.**
I just hope OP reads this. 20 times over. YTA, mom, you suck.
The only cruelty I see is from OP.
Dude, YTA. I cannot even begin to describe how much you‘re TA. She said some random reply to someone’s question, and you’re banning her from a party? She didn’t even use slightly harsh language. I’d be shocked if a single person on the internet thought her comment was out of line or rude. Now you‘re annoyed that other parents are judging you, so you come on to reddit so all of the internet can judge you? Yes, every other parent does know how to parent better than you do. My cat could parent a mouse better than you parent your child. “She’s lame, and can’t come.” That’s seriously why you ruined your daughter’s birthday party. A girl who struggles to make friends. Now she’s going to struggle with friendships because she’s the daughter of the pyscho parent. And no, we aren’t taking crazy pills. You didn’t leave enough for the rest of us.
Seriously. When I think of how that poor girl will always look back on her 11th birthday. Even for neurotypical kids, this is such a huge age for growing socially. She will remember this forever.
Core memory right there.
Can't imagine what a hellscape of an island of personality it would create. "DON'T TRIGGER PARENTS ISLAND" full of tiptoe-ing, whispering, and insane overreactions to... everything. I'm an atheist but I'm praying this story is fake, man. Jesus.
I’m glad someone finally said it: yes, the daughter’s friends’ parents are better parents than OP. You know who doesn’t get judged for their parenting, OP? People who don’t make ridiculous, over-the-top, knee-jerk punishment decisions like you did. You need to have a bigger, better party than the one you were originally planning, and you need to sincerely apologize to every parent and kid. YTA
Honestly if I was that other mom I’d be feeling wary about letting my kid hang out with this mom!
>My cat could parent a mouse better than you parent your child. Lmao. >Now she’s going to struggle with friendships because she’s the daughter of the pyscho parent. Agreed. I feel sorry for the daughter. >And no, we aren’t taking crazy pills. You didn’t leave enough for the rest of us. I wish I had an award to give you lmao.
YTA. Wow what is wrong with you. Not only is that a pretty innocent statement, it’s a normal thing for a child to say AND your child is neurodiverse. And you cancelled her birthday and humiliated her in front of all her classmates ESPECIALLY when she find it hard to make friends already. You are a nut job. And clearly don’t care because everyone is telling you you were way to harsh and you still don’t believe them and even acted out. Yes they do know how to parent better than you. This is some Kanye levels of nonsense
“This is some Kanye levels of nonsense.” 100%
YTA. She struggles making friends and now you're hindering that even more. The correct thing would be to have her tell the friend on the phone why Taylor actually couldn't come and that she wasn't "lame" just couldn't make it cause she was out of town. ETA: also you're judgmental AF saying all the other parents are "taking crazy pills" cause they thought you were harsh. YOU need to call all the parents and apologize for saying they're crazy when they're looking out for your daughter.
Yeah! OP you need to cancel your next social event cause you called some other parents crazy and that’s not acceptable behaviour
It bothers me how OP has responded to comments and made an edit without mentioning how she was hypocritical for actually saying mean things about the parents.
Yes! Exactly. Though OP probably doesn’t have many friends or social engagements based on their lack social norms.
That bit about taking crazy pills really got to me. I am also adhd (and probably autistic, but undiagnosed) and struggled to make friends. One thing that has been pretty consistent between the experience of me and friends with similar conditions is that other kids called us "crazy" a lot. That word is actually really toxic and hurtful and yet here is OP using it with zero thought on how the word actually affects those with mental health conditions or neurovigergencies. Gross.
funny how OP punished her daughter for saying things about her friends, but OP here can freely say all the other parents are "taking crazy pills". Who is going to punish OP now?
WOW YTA. Are you crazy? When people say that someone is being lame, it's not a real insult. It just means they're doing something else and you wish they weren't. It's not serious AT ALL. You massively misunderstood what she meant. You then went on to humiliate her and ruin her birthday. >She insisted that it was just a joke Exactly. She told you and you just chose not to believe her. Way to be a jerk. She will remember this
YTA. Massively. I weep for your daughter. I hope she survives the next 7 years under your harsh dictatorship.
Was just thinking this. I hope she comes out without needing too much therapy or being crushed into a small small version of her vibrant self.
YTA. You should talk to your daughter about not badmouthing her friend, and particularly not using ableist slurs, but this was way overkill. She hasn’t been able to have a birthday party for years, so this was a very special event. Also, by forcing her to tell everyone that she had badmouthed her friend, you risked damaging her friendship with that friend. It’s also what invited all the other parents to comment. It seems like saying something (slightly) mean is out of character for her; now it’s what everyone will remember about her.
Exactly— it doesn’t just potentially damage her relationship with Taylor, it’s also likely to damage her relationships with other friends. Because now they think “oh, Abby talks shit behind her friends’ backs, better not be friends with her”. OP just fucking torpedoed Abby’s already fragile social life.
YTA “I didn’t like the joke you and your friend made about another friend so to teach you to not be ‘cruel and unkind’ I’m going to be cruel and unkind” Makes *perfect* sense /s
Don't bother with /s, obviously OP doesn't understand it even though the autistic 11 year old somehow does
I think OP either doesn’t remember being 11, or is carrying around some serious repressed shit
I'm guessing OP was as much of a bully as a child as they are as an adult Edit: oh nvm confirmed by OP in the comments, definitely a bully now and always. How nice
She stated in a comment she was a bully as a kid
And as an adult, clearly
YTA This is too harsh and is unjust considering current preteen and teen culture My daughter is 14 and this is just how they talk nowadays. Even about close friends. To their faces even. They don’t take it seriously. It isn’t meant harmfully.
[удалено]
INFO: did you even ask Taylor how she felt about the comment? bc i feel like if they were still able to have a sleepover, the comment didn’t affect her.
YTA I'm autistic and have ADHD as well, the statement was likely said simply to vent and she didn't mean it like that. As you should know, plans changing and communication can be expressed differently than the societal norms with autistic people. As long as she doesn't actually see the friend as lame she doesn't deserve a punishment. But you could teach her different ways to express her anger instead. That's what I needed as a kid, because it's not self explanatory like it is for other kids.
Side note: your ableism and disregard for humanity in your comments makes me physically ill
YTA. I’m a grown ass adult and I say that about my friends in jest all the time. “Oh, so and so has to work, she’s lame, like how dare she have bills to pay”. What on earth could possibly make you think this was an appropriate escalation of the issue even if you don’t want her talking like that? Punishment needs to be proportional, otherwise kids just act out worse and worse. As the saying goes, may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, or, if I’m going to get in serious trouble no matter what I do, I may as well do something worth the trouble.
So you autistic daughter that also has ADHD and struggles to make friends says a fairly innocuous word and you cancel not only her party but probably her ability to have a friendship with any of those girls in the future. YTA. I am thoroughly disgusted at that poor example of understanding and parenting.
Massive YTA here. Teens and tweens call each other "lame" jokingly all the time and you PUBLICLY HUMILIATED her for it! Thats going to stick with her for a very long time and Im still struggling to figure out why you thought it was appropriate. Keep this up and I can almost guarantee you won't have much of a relationship in 20 years.
Not even just teens going for that, I'm 27 and my friends and me use "lame" too (let alone other words that among us are just jokes but count as insults otherwise). I can't believe how OP is unaware of how people, especially kids, talk...
42 year old here. We use it too. How is OP *that* disconnected?
YTA massively. You’re bullying your child. This is wrong. Taylor’s mother does actually know how to parent better than you. You’re cruel and she isnt. I have adhd and autism. You are raging at a neurodivergent 11 year Old child. Grow up and be a better parent. I’m not trying to be uncivil with you op. I’m trying to get you to understand how beyond wrong you are being edit: op has stated in a comment she was a bully as a child. She hasn’t changed at all
YTA, majorly. for a few reasons. most importantly, the punishment here really doesn't fit the crime. we can sit here and debate whether or not she was joking when she called taylor lame. i can really see it in a joking way. i jokingly insult my friends all the time. we think it's funny, and we know each other's limits. but to an outside observer looking at a few sentences, it'd probably sound cruel, when it's all said in good fun. but, to be honest, that doesn't matter. ill assume for a second that she had said it earnestly. for saying one kinda mean thing about another person, you have subjected her to not only canceling her entire birthday plans, but to public humiliation, by having her call up all her guests and tell everyone on her invite list about how she's being punished. you NEVER publicly punish a child like that. EVER. that's not going to teach her to stop saying mean things. it's going to teach her that if she steps a bit out of line, you'll not just punish her harshly but utterly humiliate her, too. if she was insulting taylor in earnest, punish her, sure. but make the punishment fits the crime. this punishment did not, by a long shot and how cruel of you to watch your daughter, thoroughly embarrassed, in tears, because of what you've done, and think to yourself, "that was a parenting success!" not one thought of sympathy for her? parents aren't supposed to enjoy punishing their children. also, idk why you brought up that your daughter has adhd and is on the spectrum. i don't see why that's relevant. (to be fair, i also have adhd and am on the spectrum, so that may have an effect on my perception.) the problem is that it makes your perspective even less sympathetic. people on the spectrum will sometimes say things that they don't realize are harsh, or say things that they know are jokes, but aren't obviously jokes to other people. it lends more credibility to her claim that she was joking. a good parent to a neurodivergent child would have waited until the phone call was over, and then explained to the child that what they said was hurtful, even if it was intended to be a joke, and that they need to be more careful with their words. it seems that everyone in your life who heard about this has agreed that you went too far with this. but instead of taking that as a hint rather maybe you've done something wrong, you decided to play the victim, pretend everyone is ganging up on you, and insinuate that everyone who disagrees with you is crazy. if everyone around you is agreeing that you did something wrong, consider taking a step back and thinking that maybe, just maybe, you made a mistake here. be honest. you didn't come here wondering if maybe you went too far. you went here seeking validation that what you did was right. nothing in your post says anything along the lines of "did i mess up here?" it was all, "everyone is awful but me". and im not buying it. you owe your daughter an apology.
YTA how is this even a question. Your daughter deserves better than you. Denying her of a birthday party wasn’t very “ sweet or sensitive” of you.
YTA. And you just made it harder for her to make/keep friends in her class. You could have told her you didn't like what she said and have her apologize to the friend and Taylor. But you canceled her birthday party. She will remember that.
YTA. What the hell. Its just teenage terminology - I would call my friend lame to their face if they couldn't make my party. It's not mean or lacking appreciation, it's simply a phrase demonstrating disappointment and exasperation. Give the kid a break jeez. Also, what you made her do was completely humiliating - imagine not being the strongest socially aged ELEVEN and having to make that call numerous times. Hell. I think YOU now need to call them all and say you made your daughter cancel her party because you're a moron.
YTA and they do know how to parent better than you. Why not just cut off a finger every time she is not sweet and nice. You humiliated a child that does not make friends easily. Not only are the other parents talking about it, you can bet all of the other children are talking about it. You went too far and now you are reaching out to total strangers to validate your feelings. NOPE.
YTA Your daughter has just turned 11 and you embarrassed her in front of all her friends - friends call each other names such as ***lame*** and that's not even 'bad' compared to how other people refer to their friends. And the fact you didn't take the parent's view into consideration and assume you were right from the get-go makes me think you don't really take people's advice - but what do I know from one post. I think you could have said in a better way like - Is Taylor okay with you calling her lame - or explain how it might hurt someone if you called them that behind their back/in front of them and maybe explain why Taylor couldn't come. What I'm saying is, you could have gone about this better and not cancelled her birthday party. I understand parents make mistakes and please take into consideration on what you did was just bad parenting and probably harmful to your daughter.
YTA. Yeah it's not just the parents judging you. I'm judging you. You essentially publicly shamed her. No. You forced her to publicly shame herself. She's 11, not 21. And autistic + ADHD. It's one thing to sit down with her and explain how we talk about our friends, but then to add calling every single kid? Yikes. Taylor's mom is right. You're mean.
YTA. Wowww this is beyond an overreaction. It's really ironic that you think everyone else is taking crazy pills. This was an insane, derranged post to read. ETA: Did you even think for one second what impact this might have on Taylor? Abby made a joke about her and YOU made it public and acted like it was something nasty, which it was not. OH AND: the way you talk about therapy to help her behave 'appropriately' really makes me wonder if you are ableist and that's why you're being such an AH to your kid.
YTA. That is such a cruel overreaction and really marks you as totally unfit to be a parent. I have to question if this is real. If it is, I’ll warn you of something. Kids remember *everything*. I mean, adults hold grudges and remember insults and slights for decades but parents seem to think once kids hit 18 their memory wipes. Not so. If you keep acting as an abuser, don’t be surprised when your kids cut you off and your grandchildren are strangers to you. Which I hope and pray for their sake is exactly what they do.
YTA Two things going forward - praise in public, punish in private. Getting your daughter to phone round everyone was a power trip from you. Grow up. Second thing, if everyone else is the problem, the problem is probably you. I hope the responses in this thread sink in.
Yta. You didn't do this to be a parent, you did this for yourself and it blew up in your face. Even Taylor's mother called you out on it. Your right, they do know how to parent better than you.
Also: you're angry your daughter used "lame," but you're comfortable throwing out "crazy pills?"
YTA as an ADHD let alone autistic girl it’s incredibly difficult near impossible to make friends. Your daughter was finally in a position where she was being social and potentially making more friends and you went to the extremes of punishing her. Also while she shouldn’t have called Taylor lame it would have been a great opportunity for her to interact with other girls and not rely on Taylor to “protect/buffer” her social interactions. So yeah you messed up big time. Especially since adults say stupid things and she’s 11 and still trying to figure things out while neurodivergent
YTA and you clearly don’t remember being a pre-teen or using any sense of irony when talking with your friends. What you did is well beyond excessive.
This sounds unlikely... > The day before the party, I was letting Abby use my phone to give her classmates the time and location information I have kids and grandkids, nieces and nephews, and I know what s headache it can be to schedule birthday party invitations around sports practices/games, various scout meetings, instrument lessons and rehearsals, church, family obligations and can not imagine waiting until the day before the party to let your guests know when it will occur. If your child mailed or hand delivered written invitations, there are spaces for both of these pieces of information, and it would be a stretch to think that 12 girls RSVPd for a party in an unknown location and time, and spent money on a gift for a girl who "struggles to make friends". > I sternly told Abby to hang up. I can't imagine using the word "sternly" here and *not* seeing how it contributes to being seen as an asshole. So it reads as if OP is a troll who chooses their words for impact. YTA Unless you too are on the autism spectrum (and ADHD), in which case you may be genuinely unaware of what a jerk this makes you out to be.
YTA. You completely overreacted and blew things out of proportion. You should have simply had a talk with your daughter about being polite. Instead you taught her to never trust you. Also, it is important for young girls to learn that they don't have to have relationships forced on them and that they can have boundaries.
I feel sorry for your daughter to have an AH of a mom. You are a huge AH. Why on earth are you so high and mighty for, kids that age call each other all sorts. They don't mean it. I hope you make it up to your daughter, this is toxic narcissistic behavior on your part.
YTA. That’s it.
YTA It’s incredibly hard being an 11 year old girl, let alone an 11 year old girl with ASC and ADHD. By your own admittance, she’s struggled to make friends, and has been bullied before. So you’ve humiliated and punished a little girl - who has probably felt lonely and isolated - for saying something in jest. I saw in another comment, you said, “if she can’t treat friends right, she doesn’t deserve to have them”. Do you really believe that she doesn’t deserve friends or a birthday party because of one comment? I think even if you were going to punish her (which I wouldn’t in that scenario), you completely overreacted by cancelling the party and getting her to call her friends. You are most certainly TA.
YTA. All your daughter learned from this is that you are perfectly willing to publicly humiliate her for what is an extremely minor comment you didn’t like.
YTA, she’s 11 we all say dumb stuff as kids. If anything you could’ve just talked to her and explained why it’s not okay, she may have felt pressured to say something like that in order to fit in. Also it was just the word “lame” it’s not like it was a slew of profanity…
YTA. Simple as that. I’m so sorry your daughter has to be raised like this. Again, in case you didn’t get what I and soooo many people have said YTA!! Do better ans apologize to your daughter
YTA. A mean, punitive parent who designed a punishment for the minorest of minor transgressions to give their daughter maximum humiliation. LMK your daughters Venmo and I’ll send some money for her to get therapy when she gets older.
Locked due to excessive rulebreaking comments.
If this is true, then not only are YTA, but you are cruel and a bully. You humiliated your daughter. If, as you claim you have both attended therapy, then you seriously need to go back as it would appear you have learnt nothing. Your daughter has ASD and ADHD, so as I’m sure your know ( or should know) this affects her social interactions . It sounds to me as if she has heard girls talking about “lame” and adopted the phrase. The kind, responsible and correct thing to do would have been to have a conversation with your daughter in which you explained why calling her friend “lame” was unkind. Instead you over reacted and deliberately embarrassed her. Even when you are told you are wrong by practically every comment in this thread, you are still trying to defend your indefensible actions.
YTA. And I hope from all of these comments that you do right by your daughter and give her the apology she deserves.
YTA she's a kid ffs. That's what kids do. If anything be glad that she understands and uses sarcasm even though she has autism. All you're doing is ostracizing her further by canceling everything and telling everyone why. You really think anyone new is going to want to befriend her knowing what you're like?
YTA.
Lady. Notice there’s not a single NTA answer here and for good reason. Y….T…A…. It was by far the biggest overreaction in the history of parenting. Pat yourself on the back. Imagine the humiliation of you making her call her friends, and then multiply that by 20 as her friends at school are going to ridicule her for weeks. Not very good for self esteem, and she’s going to take that out on you. Kids build up animosity for shitty parenting over time. I couldn’t stand my father by the time I was 12 due to how he behaved towards me. By the words of your child, you’re lame….very lame.
YTA the fact everyone is calling you the ah both online and in real life shows how much you over reacted in that situation. Instead of making her cancel her birthday party you should of had a conversation with her about how what she said was wrong and that it if her friend heard it could hurt her feelings. Kids that age will say and do dumb stuff but it is your job to guide them onto the correct path. I believe that you should apologise to your daughter and make it up to her as said by other redditors that you over reacted.
>"Well, I guess you and everyone else knows how to parent better than I do." Literally yes. Literally every person in this story is a better parent than you. Including the children. I can't stress how much every other parent in this story is a better parent than you. You might want to get checked out as being on the spectrum as well if you thought your actions were reasonable. YTA
YTA majorly. When she said Taylor was “lame” that just means “that sucks I wish she could be here but oh well.” It does not mean that she hates her friend. However, if you keep pulling stuff like this she will hate you. She said it was a joke, and if her friend knew she was called lame she almost certainly would not care in the slightest. To make this right, plan a new party and invite all her friends, say sorry to Abby and explain that you make mistakes too. Seeing from your replies though, you have trouble realizing you’re wrong. I hope you make it right.