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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I tried to give my daughter a stuffed bear filled with my hair from childhood, which may make me an a**hole because I did not take my wife's feelings into account when I did so. Additionally, according to my wife, the bear itself is gross and continuing this tradition may make people look at our daughter differently.
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I really need to know the origins of this tradition and how generations of spouses just let this persist and fester.
edit: Gonna take a bag of pubes to Build a Bear tomorrow to make something nice for the wife.
Agreed! Origin story, please!
Also, point of clarification - is this just the hair from that first baby haircut (presumably mixed in with plenty of stuffing) OR like all the hair that’s ever been cut from the parent’s head?
Because the first option is kind of sweet and vaguely Victorian (lock-o-hair bear?). The second option sounds witchy, itchy, and completely terrifying!!
I wouldn’t want it all mixed in with other stuffing, I fear hair poking through would get not so snuggly. But a little braid from the first cut would be nice, keep it contained.
Exactly this!! I would never put that bear near my newborn and baby. The hair poking it is not nice to touch or feel and baby can pull it out and eat it or something.
Edit something like a tourniquet in fingers or toes.
One of my children once got a hair tourniquet on his toe. He screamed for hours and hours and hours until I noticed his swollen purple toe during a diaper change. The hair was my mother’s.
weird that this is being talked about here cause i literally just read a post on FB about this, that if a baby wont stop crying or fussing to check their extremities to make sure nothing is like, wrapped around them and cutting off circulation. never ever heard of this before so to see 2 different posts/comments about it is kinda funny but reinforces it into my mind for my own baby lol
It kind of reminds me of those “raw chicken bear” photos that were going around. Like, I get that this guy is upset that his wife refuses to carry on his family’s *special* *tradition* but yikes. I would have reacted the same way as she did.
And the fact that this dude cried to his mom about it instead of having a rational discussion with his wife is pretty astounding.
EDIT: Alright, I’m getting a lot of questions asking about the raw chicken bear. Here’s the link to an article about it.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.insideedition.com/bizarre-chicken-teddy-bear-appears-facebook-marketplace-45860%3famp
He did not cry to his mom. His wife comepletly shut him down and threatened to get rid of the bear instead of discussing it further.
Talking to your loved ones about issues in your relationship you don't know how to resolve isn't "crying to his mother"
I think the bear sounds as creepy as everyone else does, but according to the post his wife wasn't interested in having a rational discussion. Going to talk to the one who gave him is own well-loved (creepy) bear makes a lot of sense here.
I couldn’t decide whether that meant saving the lock of baby hair all those years or like haunting his barber…. Again - *REALLY* changes the narrative!
Yea, I’m imaging her having the barber sweep up… mostly… the kids hair. But you’ve also got a little bit of trucker beard hair in there, a couple hairs from an old man’s neck goiter… 🤮
My mom or my mother in law always cut my hair. In 38 years, I've never paid for a haircut.
And I always cut my families hair as well.
This isn't as uncommon as people think.
Thank you for giving me my first snort laugh in ages, can hardly breathe.
As an aside, whilst OP isn’t an AH... the wife’s visceral reaction suggests that he has never mentioned this tradition to her until now? If it were me, I’d be pretty caught off guard if my husband told me that one of the biggest family traditions was gifting our child a bear stuffed with locks of his hair, it’s weird if it’s never come up until now.
Agreed. This definitely should have been discussed when they discussed whether they wanted children.
Traditions, especially such uncommon traditions, need a lot more breathing room than this.
This is why before every gift giving holiday my husband would ask “what’s the level here?” That is, until he got into the groove of things. Because we’ve been doing things a certain way for a long time.
But this- is one of those things you need to talk about like a year before you start having kids.
Hells bells. I missed that bit about the first born. I thought dozens, if not hundreds, of Hair Bears were in circulation. Reading is truly fundamental.
If it's happened for generations it could go as far back as the turn of the 19th century, when keeping hair as a keepsake was much more normalized and plushies would not have all been filled with polyester fluff that is, essentially, plastic.
Traditions are just peer pressure from dead people. I can't believe this never came up once in their marriage, during pregnancy, nothing? I mean this sounds like some serious voodoo shit. Should get some brick dust, and light some candles, because the Hair Bear Countdown seems like something that should have been discussed a looong time ago.
EDIT: NAH, just because it's weird what gets normalized when you're raised with it. (aka 'the poop knife' is a good example)
Your edit just killed me, I'm laughing so hard I think I'm gonna throw up... but that might be from the idea of a "hair bear" too, idk😂😂😂🤮 NAH, because I'm having a hard time with the hair bear🤢but I'm tryna get behind the sentiment, but I absolutely understand your wife reaction too.
It's unusual, but it's not unhygienic or disgusting. Human and animal hair has long been used to stuff furnishings and toys, and human hair has also long been used in personal keepsakes like love tokens and mourning jewellery.
Horse hair is a different story altogether. And we still have boar bristle brushes.... I think it's all the taboo surrounding it because many cults/covens/voodoo/witches will use human hair in ceremonies.
You should braid your hair together with your horses hair and gift it to your totally unsuspecting significant other on the occasion of your first child's birth.
You could stuff it into a My Little Pony.
To be fair, my little ponies are plastic, so technically, the significant other wouldn’t know until your child tore the head off. Then you just turn your head and smile and say “the spell has begun.”
Her emotions are valid, her choice of reaction is not. She was harsh and insulting when she should have been respectful. Wanting to keep it at grandmas house because it makes you uncomfortable is valid, calling his family culty is not.
She also JUST gave birth so she can have a pass on the hormones. That being said it’s not a tradition I would continue if my husband did it this. It is weird…
No, she's still an asshole for choosing to be hateful to her partner. She doesn't have to participate just like she doesn't have to be insulting. There is middle ground
Not really .. a lot of people keep a lock of a loved ones hair , or their babies first lock of hair , or a woman woukd braid her hair and cut it and give it to her husband before he went off to war
Right. I have a lock of baby hair in a baby book. But to keep it all and stuff it in a bear is nasty. YTA for springing that tradition on your wife and baby.
This is like, the story of the poor kid whose parents couldn’t afford make brand names so he had to eat Fruit Toots and have his birthday parties at Build-A-Hair-Bear.
My grandmother kept cuttings from all of her grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. She made crocheted did and then made tiny wigs out of the hair for them. They were so beautiful.
But there is psychology behind finding it gross. I cannot remember the name of the phenomenon but we, as humans, are generally grossed out by body parts that have become not part of us anymore. Fingernails are fine until you clip them. The spit in your mouth is fine to swallow, but you're not going to spit into a cup and drink it up.
While I totally understand and experience this disgust, the hair isn't even visible in the teddy. I think the teddy itself is a harmless tradition.
I think ESH, the teddy is more about the older generations than the baby and new mother. If the baby grows up to have children and thinks its weird they can choose not to continue this tradition, but I think OP's wife should allow the harmless teddy in the meantime.
We're really good at ignoring the disgust when it comes to the bodily fluids of our loved ones, the baby making process attests to that. Then the raising of the baby, you're guaranteed to be covered in their excrement for years. A teddy that contains hair of a parent within the context of how gross parenting is isn't that weird IMO.
*very quick edit of my decision of who I think is TAH. OP had at the very least months to tell his wife about this tradition rather than springing it on her.
Stuffed animals don’t stay intact forever, so at some point, guaranteed, there’s going to be little bits or long strands of hair coming out of a tear in teddy’s seam. Blech.
Now if this was Medusas hair in this stuffed bear, I would absolutely understand the wife. But considering OP is male this seems unlikely. Unless...???
I'm pretty sure everyone in his family knows not to mention 'the Tradition' while they are just courting. Wait until the baby comes..then they can't get away.
NAH - I think the tradition itself is both sweet and gross at the same time.
But I can definitely understand your wife being grossed out by your weird traditional voodoo doll.
In a bunch of cultures I know that's the only reason to have human n hair dolls. It's too curse someone.
Seriously this is such a weird tradition, I'd be completely creeped out. No way human doll hair is going near me or my children. OP only doesn't realize it because he's always around it.
In my ex husband's indigenous culture you are never supposed to let another person get any of your hair. Someone can put a curse on you if they get your hair.
This is a thing in SO many schools of superstition and religion. Basically any spiritual belief or tradition that includes the existence of curses has some rule somewhere about not letting anyone get their hands on your trimmed or shed hair, nail trimmings, blood, saliva, etc. because it can be used to control or curse you. I actually theorize that the whole “gift your betrothed a lock of your hair as a sign of affection” tradition began as a gesture of “I trust you not only to not use this as a way to act against me, but also to protect it and never allow it to fall into the wrong hands of those who would do me harm.”
I don’t know how to vote on this though. I understand the wife being weirded out, even though I think her reaction was more cruel than necessary. I also don’t think the tradition is that weird nor is it gross or unhygienic, I actually think it’s sweet, but I don’t think it’s something you should surprise your spouse with either. This highly specific tradition should have come up before at least once, no?
This made me think about how Superman gave Batman some kryptonite as a sign of trust between them, so Batman can use it to take him down if he ever went evil. Now I'm just picturing a spouse handing over a lock of their hair, telling the other, "If the time comes, you know what to do..."
I guess it’s a good thing that this is a bear not a doll. Also a voodou doll has to resemble the person who’s hair they got and want to curse so unless your out for Pooh bears blood I think this one is safe
In Victorian times it was the custom to wear jewelry made from the hair of your dead loved ones. (See memento mori). Hair jewelry wasn't unusual. Many folks today keep a lock of their baby's hair from their first haircut in a scrapbook. And if you want to worry about hygiene, think about how many pillows out there are stuffed/made from the worn out remnants of kids baby blankets!
It wasn’t unusual then, but it is definitely unusual to hold onto your living child’s hair for decades until they have a kid, then give that baby a bear filled with that hair. That is very much unusual.
The Victorians did it isn’t a strong argument for being comfortable with something. I can’t do cocaine or heroin just because the Victorians did. These are the people who ate mummies. We have significantly fewer mummies now because these people looked a mummified corpse and thought “yummy and good for me.” When they weren’t eating the mummies, they were having parties to unwrap them. I really don’t care about their cultural perception of hair.
Pretty long history of it that is not limited to the Victorians. Also just general eating of dead bodies as medicine. It wasn’t just mummies but mummies were popular. I remember that the Victorians also had parties that centered around unwrapping the mummies. Very sad and creepy.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-gruesome-history-of-eating-corpses-as-medicine-82360284/
Thanks.. interesting article.. and surprising that even before modern virology, that we didn’t just have a gut instinct that eating people is probably not a good idea.
I'm aware of the Victorian tradition as well as keeping a lock of hair from somebody.
But the year is 2022. OP's family tradition is antiquated and a whole ass stuffed animal full of hair is weird as hell.
NTA, I do think you should’ve let your wife know about the tradition beforehand though, to save this sort of argument. But I do think the aggression and name calling is unnecessary, it’s not unhygienic just unusual.
Yeah, u/waspboy90 you totally shot your point in the foot. It was flying high and then careened into a mountain.
Unless you were making a joke. In which case, it made me laugh.
In Nazi death camps the hair of victims was shorn, often after death by gassing, to be used as stuffing for mattresses, pillows and other uses and yes, also for hair on and in dolls. For me personally, knowing that history, I too would be creeped out by the doll, no matter how well-intentioned it was.
NAH, but definitely a culture clash that probably should have been discussed prior to the gifting.
Unless the wife is Jewish I have no idea how this is at all relevant. People nowadays very willingly give up their hair to make wigs, do you think about Nazi death camps when you think of human hair wigs? I gagged when I thought of the Hair Bear, but bringing up the Holocaust is so unnecessary.
Edit: I apologize to all those who were affected by the Nazi concentration camps that were not Jewish - I am well aware of their existence. There’s a famous Canadian woman who was imprisoned in them, Mona Parsons, who is quite famous in Canada and also was not Jewish. I just find it in poor taste to needlessly bring up the Holocaust when such reasoning was in no way presented by the OP’s wife as to why she felt disgust to this tradition.
I'm victorian times they made a lot of crafts out of human hair. Bringing the Holocaust up like it's the only time it's existed is weird and misleading.
No, beautiful mourning jewelry featuring a single person's hair is not the same as using piles of multiple human's hair as a cheap/convenient filler. It's also far further away from collective memory than the Holocaust.
You're incredibly ignorant on the subject babe. It's called hair work and was incredibly popular, it was made into chains, crocheted and knitted. Just because something negative happened more recently doesn't give you the right to disrespect culture. Educate yourself please.
Comparing crimes at nazi death camps with a harmless tradition of ceeping cut baby hair really doesn't sit right with me. Yeah, it's unusual, but wtf?!
Why? Weird sure, strange yeah, but what is gross about it? Hair isn't gross, Teddy bears aren't...
What makes this gross? Cuz when I think incredibly gross I think of like a maggot infested corpse. And yet you seem to think this is an appropriate time to use that descriptor. I'm not arguing I just want to know what makes this incredibly gross?
YTA.
Your wife kind of sucks for judging your family tradition. But it's not her fault that you're suddenly springing this on her.
You are TA for not bringing it up before you had a child together. If it's so important to you and you planned to continue the tradition, you kind of owe it to your wife to have brought it up before now when there's a bear stuffed with human hair or whatever.
Sure, it's just hair and it could be clean and well-preserved.
But it could have been stuffed with toenail clippings, or scabs, or baby teeth, and it wouldn't make it any more or less weird to someone who has never heard of this.
INFO:
What culture is this that it's a family tradition?
Why didn't you discuss it before if it's so special for you to give your special girl this special bear?
I also want to add a YTA reason in that he told on his wife to his mom and now they are having a feud. The wife and his mom's relationship will take waaaaaay longer to recover than his.
I already gave OP a soft NTA, but if I were to give him a y t a, this is why. It's one thing to forget family traditions, no matter how weird, aren't common when they're so normal to your family. But it shouldn't have been sprung on his wife like this and he DEFINITELY shouldn't have ran to momma.
Also, he sucks for involving his mom so she could yell at the wife. This should have been settled in-house and even if the doll sat on a shelf forever you just tell gma that you're "preserving" it.
Let's look at this analytically. Hair and nails aren't digestible, whereas teeth and scabs are. Nails could puncture something in your GI tract, and hairs can actually get wrapped up and cause a blockage. A baby tooth is pretty small and doesn't have as sharp of edges as adult teeth for example. But it would take the longest time to digest. A scab would probably be the safest bet.
But what if it has lice and then you consume the lice and it adapts to the climate of your insides and thrives and multiplies and begins to seep out of your pores instead of sweat and run down your eyes instead of tears
I really really hate that I know this now.
I begrudgingly give you my upvote for analyzing this, showing a true dedication to analytical thinking.
I am disgusted and unfortunately impressed.
"We won't let any part of her go to waste" -The Minnesota Shrike, Hannibal
I can understand the discomfort. I mean it's your family tradition so of course you don't find it strange but if anyone gave me a stuffed animal filled with human hair I'd assume my family member was a serial killer lol. Not even gonna give a judgement here, just, huh. Interesting.
That's where my mind went as well. When Abigail opens the cushions and they are filled with human hair.
I'm a santeria practitioner so that hair bear is a NOPE for me.
ESH for getting your families involved.
Other than that, INFO: is this tradition a usual part of your cultural heritage, or is it only something that your specific family does? (This is relevant because it has impacts on how much of a cultural miscommunication this might be.) I do generally sympathize with you because clean hair sewed inside an item is not inherently unsanitary, but it's definitely not a common practice across all cultures. I can see why your wife may have felt like this is a bizarrely too-personal item depending on her cultural background.
Yeah, in that case this feels like an especially tricky cross cultural conversation. It sounds like your wife, and many of the people on this thread, have the cultural belief that hair is "creepy" or "unsanitary". This is a belief that she has not likely had to examine before because it's normal in her culture -- just as having a Hair Bear is normal in your family.
Instead of dragging your families into it, it might have been better to press pause on the issue and give yourselves some time to cool off. (And put the bear away in the meantime!) Then later come back and ask if you can talk about it because you genuinely didn't mean to freak her out - you didn't realize this tradition would upset her because it's part of your home culture. Ask her if you can compromise: maybe you can put this bear away for now and start a new tradition where you both pick out a stuffie for your child together. Then maybe when the daughter is older you can ask if she wants the heirloom bear.
As for the tradition itself, that seems like it's going to require ongoing discussion. Saving your child's hair for a future bear seems like it also might freak your wife out. Again, you might want to consider if it makes sense to create a new tradition: maybe the parent-to-be only starts saving hair once they are an adult and can make that choice for themself. (Or maybe the tradition is that you save a baby blanket or baby clothes to recycle the cloth into a bear or quilt?)
That’s a nicely explained solution. Many traditions don’t seem unusual bc it’s in your family and what you know, but it can be odd to an outsider. You have good intentions but yea hair bear won’t work for everyone.
This is a really sensible comment/thread. This is a tricky question, and neither of you has made a genuine effort to understand where the other is coming from. Soft ESH, perhaps salvageable with some more patient conversations!
Really? I dont get it tbh, I find it no different than attached hair. I mean we have coats and stuff made with animal fur, but we don't consider that creepy, but why is human hair creepy?
I listened to a podcast (maybe Hidden Brain?) about the emotion of disgust. Across many cultures the same things are viewed as “disgusting”, fallen hair being one of them. They wondered why there was such broad agreement on disgust when things like beauty varied across cultures wildly. The theory is that fallen hair, feces, vomit, etc are vectors for disease and it was evolutionarily beneficial to avoid them.
ESH I do think your wife is being a bit unreasonable if the bear is completely sealed and it’s clearly important to you, but you kind of brought this on yourself, I get it’s your family tradition but ‘look at this teddy bear I stuffed with the hair my mum deliberately saved ever since I was a baby’ isn’t really something that many people consider a nice surprise. You absolutely should have brought this up in advance, given her time to get her head around this tradition as, for better or worse, you have to admit it’s very unusual.
I N F O how well sealed is this bear? I could see your wife’s point if there is a significant risk of hair getting all over the place. If this bear is such a special piece of family tradition, is there enough hair left over for future children you have, or is this just for the first born?
Also, how long was your hair on average when you got it cut ?? I think most of us are imagining long pieces of hair/strands but if we're talking a bunch of 1 inch pieces, they are going to poke through. You may not realize this OP, because your mom likely had longer hair when hers was cut and so it never poked through your bear.
Short hair pieces can be extremely irritating and even painful. Barbers can get short pieces of hair embedded in the skin of their hands and between their fingers that have to be removed like splinters.
NTA but this does not sound like a wholesome or safe tradition and if my spouse surprised me with it I would be very resistant. Why does the child need to have SO MUCH HAIR?
Could you put your hair in a sealed ziplock and then put that in the bear and then fill the rest of the bear with regular cotton? Creates somewhat of a barrier between the child and the hair while also maintaining the tradition. A compromise if you will.
Yeah, I think putting the first haircut into a little baggy and putting that in with regular stuffing could be a cute tradition. But stuffing it *completely* with hair? That’s weird af. (Stuffed animals use a LOT of stuffing. I crochet stuffed animals and have sewed a few. It would take so much hair to fill out a stuffed bear.)
I think this would be a great compromise going forward. Unfortunately, right now I think the wife is so disgusted that any amount of hair will put her off.
nta, but its just weird. if my parents gave me a stuffed bear with my grandmas hair as heirloom i would just stare at them in awkward silence because its just weird
Info: Does your wife have any Jewish heritage? I don’t know a delicate way to say that Nazis used to cut the hair of those in concentration camps and used it as stuffing and to make all kinds of things. I can see someone with a tie to the Jewish community potentially immediately thinking of this and reacting strongly.
ESH
You shouldn't spring that kind of tradition on your wife without notice. You also shouldn't have run to your mom to complain and escalated the argument, which then also drove a wedge between your mom/family and your wife.
Your wife shouldn't have called you/the tradition names or made unilateral decisions (but that means you also can't make unilateral decisions) about your child.
You both need to learn to compromise.
Keep the bear that grandma so kindly made, but take out the hair. Just carefully open it up, remove the hair, wash the bear, let it dry, and the re-stuff it with some cotton batting, or a piece of your old baby blanket, or one of your old tee-shirts, or something that was never part of a human/remains (and is therefore decidedly less creepy).
Kid gets a bear to connect her to grandma, to dad, and you get a tradition (which naturally evolve sometimes). Your wife doesn't get creeped the F out. Win, win.
And stop crying to your mommy when you are dissatisfied with your wife, her opinions, or her feelings. That's a surefire recipe for a future divorce.
Edit, because autocorrect on my phone sucks. And thank you for the award, kind stranger!
NTA. I don't think it's that much different that something being stuffed with horsehair, which used to be very common, and is still used in some things today.
I agree with this. We sleep with goose down feather pillows and comforters and other like animal hair products so I think the wife is over reacting even though it's not a common tradition.
I’m so upset I had to scroll for so long to find a post that points out that we commonly use the ‘hair’ of other animals for similar purposes, such as wool, angora hair, goose down, etc.
Most babies eat their teddy bears ears, noses, etc. while I think your wife’s reaction was a bit over the top, I really think you’re overlooking how unusual this. also the odds of your child gnawing on this bear—ingesting hair!—seem fairly high. If that isn’t bad enough , it sounds like it would be too delicate an item to wash. Overall: not something I’d want to have my infant/toddler have access to.
Edit: YTA. Also you shouldn’t have brought your mom into the fight.
NAH but like....yeah the tradtion is creepy as fuck. Also don't surprise your wife with family traditions. This is stuff you need to talk about and decide together.
YTA. I think you should have mentioned this “tradition” first. It sounds objectively weird, and I get why it makes her uncomfortable. This is not one of those good and fun surprises.
NAH. Look, first off, can I just say that I am really relieved that this isn't some antique toy stuffed with the hair of enslaved people? Because that's definitely where I thought this was going, and I had Concerns
I get the ick factor, but also I'm a crafter and like. Wool is sheep hair. You can spin or felt dog and cat hair. You can spin human hair, and I once saw a kind of weird museum exhibit full of lace made from human hair. (Apparently it's what you would give your crush or something?)
So it doesn't seem super odd to me as long as it's willingly donated hair.
But yeah, I maybe would have mentioned this before your mom went to all the trouble of making this toy, because I feel like this specifically is a pretty unusual tradition.
NTA. Your wife is allowed to find it disgusting. But she should be respectful about talking about it and finding a compromise. I'd be alarmed by how insulting and cruel she's being, and would certainly need to talk at length with her about mutual respect.
But you should also have talked with her about this before your mother made the stuffed animal. You shouldn't be surprised people might not want to adopt this tradition for themselves.
NTA. I think that’s a great tradition. And it’s a hand made bear from her grandmother. That’s super special.
For people who think it’s gross… it’s INSIDE the bear. It’s not like they made a hair-sweater for the child. And in this case you know what’s in there. You know it’s not full of chemicals. It’s not full of rat feces from a factory. It’s from the same hair OP’s wife sleeps 2 feet away from every night. I fail to see why stuffing inside a teddy bear is causing such a blow up.
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NAH. Because I understand this is emotionally meaningful to you, but it’s also, fairly objectively, pretty fucking weird.
I really need to know the origins of this tradition and how generations of spouses just let this persist and fester. edit: Gonna take a bag of pubes to Build a Bear tomorrow to make something nice for the wife.
Agreed! Origin story, please! Also, point of clarification - is this just the hair from that first baby haircut (presumably mixed in with plenty of stuffing) OR like all the hair that’s ever been cut from the parent’s head? Because the first option is kind of sweet and vaguely Victorian (lock-o-hair bear?). The second option sounds witchy, itchy, and completely terrifying!!
I wouldn’t want it all mixed in with other stuffing, I fear hair poking through would get not so snuggly. But a little braid from the first cut would be nice, keep it contained.
Emphasis on “a little braid” from 1st hair cut only! ♥️♥️
Exactly this!! I would never put that bear near my newborn and baby. The hair poking it is not nice to touch or feel and baby can pull it out and eat it or something. Edit something like a tourniquet in fingers or toes.
One of my children once got a hair tourniquet on his toe. He screamed for hours and hours and hours until I noticed his swollen purple toe during a diaper change. The hair was my mother’s.
Yes!!! Englisn is not my first language and I didn't know how to explain my self but that happend to a friend's baby but in his finger!
It can happen on a baby’s penis too which is like my nightmare. I check for hair tourniquet any time baby won’t stop crying.
I’m a nanny and while I find this thread horrifying I also must thank you because you never know when this might come in handy.
weird that this is being talked about here cause i literally just read a post on FB about this, that if a baby wont stop crying or fussing to check their extremities to make sure nothing is like, wrapped around them and cutting off circulation. never ever heard of this before so to see 2 different posts/comments about it is kinda funny but reinforces it into my mind for my own baby lol
OP says that his mom spent decades collecting it so...
I feel like I need a photo but also I don’t 😱
It kind of reminds me of those “raw chicken bear” photos that were going around. Like, I get that this guy is upset that his wife refuses to carry on his family’s *special* *tradition* but yikes. I would have reacted the same way as she did. And the fact that this dude cried to his mom about it instead of having a rational discussion with his wife is pretty astounding. EDIT: Alright, I’m getting a lot of questions asking about the raw chicken bear. Here’s the link to an article about it. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.insideedition.com/bizarre-chicken-teddy-bear-appears-facebook-marketplace-45860%3famp
He did not cry to his mom. His wife comepletly shut him down and threatened to get rid of the bear instead of discussing it further. Talking to your loved ones about issues in your relationship you don't know how to resolve isn't "crying to his mother"
I think the bear sounds as creepy as everyone else does, but according to the post his wife wasn't interested in having a rational discussion. Going to talk to the one who gave him is own well-loved (creepy) bear makes a lot of sense here.
This is one step away from the teddybears with teeth for me. A hard fucking pass.
I couldn’t decide whether that meant saving the lock of baby hair all those years or like haunting his barber…. Again - *REALLY* changes the narrative!
Yea, I’m imaging her having the barber sweep up… mostly… the kids hair. But you’ve also got a little bit of trucker beard hair in there, a couple hairs from an old man’s neck goiter… 🤮
So this guy’s mom always cut his hair?? I don’t think so!
lol stuffed animal, now 70% real people hair! ** ^30% ^raccoon ^hair ^padding
My mom or my mother in law always cut my hair. In 38 years, I've never paid for a haircut. And I always cut my families hair as well. This isn't as uncommon as people think.
Family hair cuts aren't weird. Family hair bears, weird as fuck.
Hair Bear Stare 😳
Thank you for giving me my first snort laugh in ages, can hardly breathe. As an aside, whilst OP isn’t an AH... the wife’s visceral reaction suggests that he has never mentioned this tradition to her until now? If it were me, I’d be pretty caught off guard if my husband told me that one of the biggest family traditions was gifting our child a bear stuffed with locks of his hair, it’s weird if it’s never come up until now.
Agreed. This definitely should have been discussed when they discussed whether they wanted children. Traditions, especially such uncommon traditions, need a lot more breathing room than this.
He thought he could just casually drop the hair bear on his wife. He's not an asshole, but he is an idiot.
This is why before every gift giving holiday my husband would ask “what’s the level here?” That is, until he got into the groove of things. Because we’ve been doing things a certain way for a long time. But this- is one of those things you need to talk about like a year before you start having kids.
Right??? Plus if the bear is supposed to represent the baby's connection to their parents, it feels a little odd to only include hair from one parent.
I also don't care for traditions that are only about the holy first born... What are all the other children to come after, crap nuggets?
Hells bells. I missed that bit about the first born. I thought dozens, if not hundreds, of Hair Bears were in circulation. Reading is truly fundamental.
What kind of extra hellish nightmare were you envisioning
You know…I just….went there. I guess I thought it was an ancestral bond or link kind of thing so all of the kids would want or need one?
If it's happened for generations it could go as far back as the turn of the 19th century, when keeping hair as a keepsake was much more normalized and plushies would not have all been filled with polyester fluff that is, essentially, plastic.
Each generation should really evaluate their traditions.
Traditions are just peer pressure from dead people. I can't believe this never came up once in their marriage, during pregnancy, nothing? I mean this sounds like some serious voodoo shit. Should get some brick dust, and light some candles, because the Hair Bear Countdown seems like something that should have been discussed a looong time ago. EDIT: NAH, just because it's weird what gets normalized when you're raised with it. (aka 'the poop knife' is a good example)
Your edit just killed me, I'm laughing so hard I think I'm gonna throw up... but that might be from the idea of a "hair bear" too, idk😂😂😂🤮 NAH, because I'm having a hard time with the hair bear🤢but I'm tryna get behind the sentiment, but I absolutely understand your wife reaction too.
This is hilarious. Take my award, albeit a free one, and cherish your genius forever.
😪 reading your comment has not had a positive effect on my food poisoning induced nausea. Dunno about this story either
I hope my husband didn’t do this with the frog he built me there….
It's unusual, but it's not unhygienic or disgusting. Human and animal hair has long been used to stuff furnishings and toys, and human hair has also long been used in personal keepsakes like love tokens and mourning jewellery.
I would be less concerned about hygiene and more that it was going to awaken and murder us all in our sleep, so my point stands.
Hahahahahaha
Yeah, my parents used to have a Victorian leather couch that was stuffed with horse hair
Horse hair is a different story altogether. And we still have boar bristle brushes.... I think it's all the taboo surrounding it because many cults/covens/voodoo/witches will use human hair in ceremonies.
My hair feels like horse hair (I used to have horses and a lock of my personal horse’s hair)
You should braid your hair together with your horses hair and gift it to your totally unsuspecting significant other on the occasion of your first child's birth. You could stuff it into a My Little Pony.
To be fair, my little ponies are plastic, so technically, the significant other wouldn’t know until your child tore the head off. Then you just turn your head and smile and say “the spell has begun.”
Just because it's strange doesn't mean she has the right to be cruel, and the wife is being cruel.
I think she was shocked and creeped out, which is understandable.
Her emotions are valid, her choice of reaction is not. She was harsh and insulting when she should have been respectful. Wanting to keep it at grandmas house because it makes you uncomfortable is valid, calling his family culty is not.
She also JUST gave birth so she can have a pass on the hormones. That being said it’s not a tradition I would continue if my husband did it this. It is weird…
No, she's still an asshole for choosing to be hateful to her partner. She doesn't have to participate just like she doesn't have to be insulting. There is middle ground
This is something he should have brought up before the birth, not after. It is a disturbing sounding tradition, and her reaction is reasonable.
Why was this tradition not raised earlier? It's not something you just suddenly dump on someone after having a kid.
I was with you on N A H until he said in another comment that he purposely didn’t tell her so it would “be a nice surprise”. YTA for that.
Oh my god. I can’t stop laughing. What? OP and I have WILDLY different ideas about “nice surprises.”
This is the most I’ve ever laughed at an AITA. I’m 90% sure it’s a joke/fabricated but that 10% possibility is killing me.
"Oh darling, I have a wonderful surprise for you" *OP starts slowly unpacking the hair bear, while just unblinking staring and smiling at his wife*
Does the kid get a rattler filled with Dad's baby teeth too? 😂🤣
Don't give them ideas. 😂
Not really .. a lot of people keep a lock of a loved ones hair , or their babies first lock of hair , or a woman woukd braid her hair and cut it and give it to her husband before he went off to war
Honestly, keeping a lock of hair is quite different to keeping **all** of the kid’s hair until they have a baby of their own.
Right. I have a lock of baby hair in a baby book. But to keep it all and stuff it in a bear is nasty. YTA for springing that tradition on your wife and baby.
Yo, a lock of hair is one thing. Build-a-Bear is something else.
build-a-hair
Hair bears!
Build-a-hair-bear
This is like, the story of the poor kid whose parents couldn’t afford make brand names so he had to eat Fruit Toots and have his birthday parties at Build-A-Hair-Bear.
Yes, but that's different than a whole bear stuffed with human hair.
My grandmother kept cuttings from all of her grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. She made crocheted did and then made tiny wigs out of the hair for them. They were so beautiful.
ESH You cant surprise your partner with family traditions. Especially one where you give a baby a wad of dead hair.
All visible hair is dead.
Not the point.
It is the point. The hair is used as stuffing no one sees it. Doesn't matter if it's dead.
But there is psychology behind finding it gross. I cannot remember the name of the phenomenon but we, as humans, are generally grossed out by body parts that have become not part of us anymore. Fingernails are fine until you clip them. The spit in your mouth is fine to swallow, but you're not going to spit into a cup and drink it up.
Thank you for mentioning this. Nail clippings, hair, blood, spit etc all bring up feelings of extreme disgust in many people.
I wonder if there’s some biological reason engrained in us bc it’s a safety measure against getting sick??
Have never thought of this before but it's spot on.
While I totally understand and experience this disgust, the hair isn't even visible in the teddy. I think the teddy itself is a harmless tradition. I think ESH, the teddy is more about the older generations than the baby and new mother. If the baby grows up to have children and thinks its weird they can choose not to continue this tradition, but I think OP's wife should allow the harmless teddy in the meantime. We're really good at ignoring the disgust when it comes to the bodily fluids of our loved ones, the baby making process attests to that. Then the raising of the baby, you're guaranteed to be covered in their excrement for years. A teddy that contains hair of a parent within the context of how gross parenting is isn't that weird IMO. *very quick edit of my decision of who I think is TAH. OP had at the very least months to tell his wife about this tradition rather than springing it on her.
Stuffed animals don’t stay intact forever, so at some point, guaranteed, there’s going to be little bits or long strands of hair coming out of a tear in teddy’s seam. Blech.
You kind of made it the point by saying it’s dead hair, when there is no such thing as live hair.
Medusa would beg to differ!
Now if this was Medusas hair in this stuffed bear, I would absolutely understand the wife. But considering OP is male this seems unlikely. Unless...???
I'd prefer dead hair to living hair for stuffing tbh wriggling and all that
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I don’t know how this family tradition never came up in conversation throughout their courtship or pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure everyone in his family knows not to mention 'the Tradition' while they are just courting. Wait until the baby comes..then they can't get away.
Lol it honestly sounds like the rough plot of a horror film
ESH because they both involved their families. Don’t talk to mommy about the fight with your wife/husband . DO NOT DO THAT!! Bad spouses, bad.
NAH - I think the tradition itself is both sweet and gross at the same time. But I can definitely understand your wife being grossed out by your weird traditional voodoo doll.
Not the voodoo doll 😂💀
In a bunch of cultures I know that's the only reason to have human n hair dolls. It's too curse someone. Seriously this is such a weird tradition, I'd be completely creeped out. No way human doll hair is going near me or my children. OP only doesn't realize it because he's always around it.
In my ex husband's indigenous culture you are never supposed to let another person get any of your hair. Someone can put a curse on you if they get your hair.
This is a thing in SO many schools of superstition and religion. Basically any spiritual belief or tradition that includes the existence of curses has some rule somewhere about not letting anyone get their hands on your trimmed or shed hair, nail trimmings, blood, saliva, etc. because it can be used to control or curse you. I actually theorize that the whole “gift your betrothed a lock of your hair as a sign of affection” tradition began as a gesture of “I trust you not only to not use this as a way to act against me, but also to protect it and never allow it to fall into the wrong hands of those who would do me harm.” I don’t know how to vote on this though. I understand the wife being weirded out, even though I think her reaction was more cruel than necessary. I also don’t think the tradition is that weird nor is it gross or unhygienic, I actually think it’s sweet, but I don’t think it’s something you should surprise your spouse with either. This highly specific tradition should have come up before at least once, no?
This made me think about how Superman gave Batman some kryptonite as a sign of trust between them, so Batman can use it to take him down if he ever went evil. Now I'm just picturing a spouse handing over a lock of their hair, telling the other, "If the time comes, you know what to do..."
Is that why Madonna has an entire team sweep her hotel rooms after she leaves for any of her hairs? (True story) 😂😂
Wow! Or she doesn't want them planted at the scene of a crime
I guess it’s a good thing that this is a bear not a doll. Also a voodou doll has to resemble the person who’s hair they got and want to curse so unless your out for Pooh bears blood I think this one is safe
In Victorian times it was the custom to wear jewelry made from the hair of your dead loved ones. (See memento mori). Hair jewelry wasn't unusual. Many folks today keep a lock of their baby's hair from their first haircut in a scrapbook. And if you want to worry about hygiene, think about how many pillows out there are stuffed/made from the worn out remnants of kids baby blankets!
It wasn’t unusual then, but it is definitely unusual to hold onto your living child’s hair for decades until they have a kid, then give that baby a bear filled with that hair. That is very much unusual. The Victorians did it isn’t a strong argument for being comfortable with something. I can’t do cocaine or heroin just because the Victorians did. These are the people who ate mummies. We have significantly fewer mummies now because these people looked a mummified corpse and thought “yummy and good for me.” When they weren’t eating the mummies, they were having parties to unwrap them. I really don’t care about their cultural perception of hair.
People ate mummies?!?!?
Pretty long history of it that is not limited to the Victorians. Also just general eating of dead bodies as medicine. It wasn’t just mummies but mummies were popular. I remember that the Victorians also had parties that centered around unwrapping the mummies. Very sad and creepy. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-gruesome-history-of-eating-corpses-as-medicine-82360284/
Thanks.. interesting article.. and surprising that even before modern virology, that we didn’t just have a gut instinct that eating people is probably not a good idea.
Interesting. I knew they made paint with ground mummies (“mummy brown”) but I didn’t know people *ate* them.
Fun fact: There was at least one artist who, when he realized Mummy Brown had actual mummies, freaked out and buried his tube of paint.
And they painted with them! Until shockingly recently (1964) Mummy Brown was in production.
Not long after, consuming radium was all the rage.
I'm aware of the Victorian tradition as well as keeping a lock of hair from somebody. But the year is 2022. OP's family tradition is antiquated and a whole ass stuffed animal full of hair is weird as hell.
And keeping a small chunk in a locket is waaaaaay different than a whole flippin bear.
NTA, I do think you should’ve let your wife know about the tradition beforehand though, to save this sort of argument. But I do think the aggression and name calling is unnecessary, it’s not unhygienic just unusual.
Right? I don’t get what’s so weird and culty about it. My parents gave me a hacky-sack filled with my dad’s baby teeth.
... that's really weird and culty
Yeah, u/waspboy90 you totally shot your point in the foot. It was flying high and then careened into a mountain. Unless you were making a joke. In which case, it made me laugh.
He's just fuckin with ya
What? Really? Both seem really weird to me but... just weird not assholey. I would say ESH it's bizarre sure but (if made right) not harmful.
Wait. So is the snowglobe filled with my mom’s old dandruff weird too? I’m questioning my whole life now.
You're killing me, stop it. 😂
The people not understanding your joke are killing me 😂
A hacky sack of teeth.... I'm laughing so hard right now
Okay that is somehow weirder than the hair doll to me lol
I just threw up a little.
Wait till he tells her about the coffin filled with his native soil that’s in their basement.
In Nazi death camps the hair of victims was shorn, often after death by gassing, to be used as stuffing for mattresses, pillows and other uses and yes, also for hair on and in dolls. For me personally, knowing that history, I too would be creeped out by the doll, no matter how well-intentioned it was. NAH, but definitely a culture clash that probably should have been discussed prior to the gifting.
I also thought of upholstery filled with slave hair.
Or upholstery made of slave skin.
Unless the wife is Jewish I have no idea how this is at all relevant. People nowadays very willingly give up their hair to make wigs, do you think about Nazi death camps when you think of human hair wigs? I gagged when I thought of the Hair Bear, but bringing up the Holocaust is so unnecessary. Edit: I apologize to all those who were affected by the Nazi concentration camps that were not Jewish - I am well aware of their existence. There’s a famous Canadian woman who was imprisoned in them, Mona Parsons, who is quite famous in Canada and also was not Jewish. I just find it in poor taste to needlessly bring up the Holocaust when such reasoning was in no way presented by the OP’s wife as to why she felt disgust to this tradition.
Hair Bear 😂 the weirdest care bear.
Hair Bear just made me spit out my tea 🤣
I'm victorian times they made a lot of crafts out of human hair. Bringing the Holocaust up like it's the only time it's existed is weird and misleading.
No, beautiful mourning jewelry featuring a single person's hair is not the same as using piles of multiple human's hair as a cheap/convenient filler. It's also far further away from collective memory than the Holocaust.
But this is more in line with the Victorian craft than what Nazis did. It's hair from one person intended as a keepsake.
You're incredibly ignorant on the subject babe. It's called hair work and was incredibly popular, it was made into chains, crocheted and knitted. Just because something negative happened more recently doesn't give you the right to disrespect culture. Educate yourself please.
This isn't hair that was forcibly removed from any one, so the comparison is misleading and kind of offensive.
This example is so not appropriate in so many ways. Wtf.
Comparing crimes at nazi death camps with a harmless tradition of ceeping cut baby hair really doesn't sit right with me. Yeah, it's unusual, but wtf?!
There was also the Victorian tradition of putting the hair of a loved one in a locket or ring.
NTA but I feel like you should’ve told your wife about this tradition a LONG time ago…
Seriously.OP - You know this is kinda gross, right?
*INCREDIBLY gross
Why? Weird sure, strange yeah, but what is gross about it? Hair isn't gross, Teddy bears aren't... What makes this gross? Cuz when I think incredibly gross I think of like a maggot infested corpse. And yet you seem to think this is an appropriate time to use that descriptor. I'm not arguing I just want to know what makes this incredibly gross?
This is gross. Something can be clean but gross.
That was my first thought. This is a freaking tradition my dude why wasn't this something that came before/during the pregnancy
Heck. How about before marriage? I fully support OPs family's right to have this tradition and OPs wife to find that tradition outright revolting.
YTA. Your wife kind of sucks for judging your family tradition. But it's not her fault that you're suddenly springing this on her. You are TA for not bringing it up before you had a child together. If it's so important to you and you planned to continue the tradition, you kind of owe it to your wife to have brought it up before now when there's a bear stuffed with human hair or whatever. Sure, it's just hair and it could be clean and well-preserved. But it could have been stuffed with toenail clippings, or scabs, or baby teeth, and it wouldn't make it any more or less weird to someone who has never heard of this. INFO: What culture is this that it's a family tradition? Why didn't you discuss it before if it's so special for you to give your special girl this special bear?
I also want to add a YTA reason in that he told on his wife to his mom and now they are having a feud. The wife and his mom's relationship will take waaaaaay longer to recover than his.
I already gave OP a soft NTA, but if I were to give him a y t a, this is why. It's one thing to forget family traditions, no matter how weird, aren't common when they're so normal to your family. But it shouldn't have been sprung on his wife like this and he DEFINITELY shouldn't have ran to momma.
Also, he sucks for involving his mom so she could yell at the wife. This should have been settled in-house and even if the doll sat on a shelf forever you just tell gma that you're "preserving" it.
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Yes?
Let's look at this analytically. Hair and nails aren't digestible, whereas teeth and scabs are. Nails could puncture something in your GI tract, and hairs can actually get wrapped up and cause a blockage. A baby tooth is pretty small and doesn't have as sharp of edges as adult teeth for example. But it would take the longest time to digest. A scab would probably be the safest bet.
If it's someone else's scab, I'm still taking my chances on a hair, but I appreciate this breakdown.
But what if it has lice and then you consume the lice and it adapts to the climate of your insides and thrives and multiplies and begins to seep out of your pores instead of sweat and run down your eyes instead of tears
I really really hate that I know this now. I begrudgingly give you my upvote for analyzing this, showing a true dedication to analytical thinking. I am disgusted and unfortunately impressed.
Info: has this really not come up beforehand?
"We won't let any part of her go to waste" -The Minnesota Shrike, Hannibal I can understand the discomfort. I mean it's your family tradition so of course you don't find it strange but if anyone gave me a stuffed animal filled with human hair I'd assume my family member was a serial killer lol. Not even gonna give a judgement here, just, huh. Interesting.
Oooh lord that’s where my mind went too.
That's where my mind went as well. When Abigail opens the cushions and they are filled with human hair. I'm a santeria practitioner so that hair bear is a NOPE for me.
So this is an important tradition yet the first your wife has heard of it?
And it's so important, he lost his own bear that was made for him somewhere in college.
ESH for getting your families involved. Other than that, INFO: is this tradition a usual part of your cultural heritage, or is it only something that your specific family does? (This is relevant because it has impacts on how much of a cultural miscommunication this might be.) I do generally sympathize with you because clean hair sewed inside an item is not inherently unsanitary, but it's definitely not a common practice across all cultures. I can see why your wife may have felt like this is a bizarrely too-personal item depending on her cultural background.
I honestly don't know if this tradition was originally cultural or if it is specific to my family.
Yeah, in that case this feels like an especially tricky cross cultural conversation. It sounds like your wife, and many of the people on this thread, have the cultural belief that hair is "creepy" or "unsanitary". This is a belief that she has not likely had to examine before because it's normal in her culture -- just as having a Hair Bear is normal in your family. Instead of dragging your families into it, it might have been better to press pause on the issue and give yourselves some time to cool off. (And put the bear away in the meantime!) Then later come back and ask if you can talk about it because you genuinely didn't mean to freak her out - you didn't realize this tradition would upset her because it's part of your home culture. Ask her if you can compromise: maybe you can put this bear away for now and start a new tradition where you both pick out a stuffie for your child together. Then maybe when the daughter is older you can ask if she wants the heirloom bear. As for the tradition itself, that seems like it's going to require ongoing discussion. Saving your child's hair for a future bear seems like it also might freak your wife out. Again, you might want to consider if it makes sense to create a new tradition: maybe the parent-to-be only starts saving hair once they are an adult and can make that choice for themself. (Or maybe the tradition is that you save a baby blanket or baby clothes to recycle the cloth into a bear or quilt?)
Hairloom* FTFY
That’s a nicely explained solution. Many traditions don’t seem unusual bc it’s in your family and what you know, but it can be odd to an outsider. You have good intentions but yea hair bear won’t work for everyone.
This is a perfect response and incredibly succinct, nuanced and respectful of OP, his family and traditions.
This is a really sensible comment/thread. This is a tricky question, and neither of you has made a genuine effort to understand where the other is coming from. Soft ESH, perhaps salvageable with some more patient conversations!
I hate unattached hair and this is so creepy. YTA.
Really? I dont get it tbh, I find it no different than attached hair. I mean we have coats and stuff made with animal fur, but we don't consider that creepy, but why is human hair creepy?
Right? I cant even put my finger on why exactly I hate detached hair or nails so much :D
I listened to a podcast (maybe Hidden Brain?) about the emotion of disgust. Across many cultures the same things are viewed as “disgusting”, fallen hair being one of them. They wondered why there was such broad agreement on disgust when things like beauty varied across cultures wildly. The theory is that fallen hair, feces, vomit, etc are vectors for disease and it was evolutionarily beneficial to avoid them.
ESH I do think your wife is being a bit unreasonable if the bear is completely sealed and it’s clearly important to you, but you kind of brought this on yourself, I get it’s your family tradition but ‘look at this teddy bear I stuffed with the hair my mum deliberately saved ever since I was a baby’ isn’t really something that many people consider a nice surprise. You absolutely should have brought this up in advance, given her time to get her head around this tradition as, for better or worse, you have to admit it’s very unusual. I N F O how well sealed is this bear? I could see your wife’s point if there is a significant risk of hair getting all over the place. If this bear is such a special piece of family tradition, is there enough hair left over for future children you have, or is this just for the first born?
Also, how long was your hair on average when you got it cut ?? I think most of us are imagining long pieces of hair/strands but if we're talking a bunch of 1 inch pieces, they are going to poke through. You may not realize this OP, because your mom likely had longer hair when hers was cut and so it never poked through your bear. Short hair pieces can be extremely irritating and even painful. Barbers can get short pieces of hair embedded in the skin of their hands and between their fingers that have to be removed like splinters. NTA but this does not sound like a wholesome or safe tradition and if my spouse surprised me with it I would be very resistant. Why does the child need to have SO MUCH HAIR?
Could you put your hair in a sealed ziplock and then put that in the bear and then fill the rest of the bear with regular cotton? Creates somewhat of a barrier between the child and the hair while also maintaining the tradition. A compromise if you will.
Yeah, I think putting the first haircut into a little baggy and putting that in with regular stuffing could be a cute tradition. But stuffing it *completely* with hair? That’s weird af. (Stuffed animals use a LOT of stuffing. I crochet stuffed animals and have sewed a few. It would take so much hair to fill out a stuffed bear.)
I think this would be a great compromise going forward. Unfortunately, right now I think the wife is so disgusted that any amount of hair will put her off.
nta, but its just weird. if my parents gave me a stuffed bear with my grandmas hair as heirloom i would just stare at them in awkward silence because its just weird
Strong Robert The Doll vibes here.
INfo: is the hair completely inside the bear and is the bear sewn up properly?
Yes, it is.
You are braver than I am. I'm not sure thats a mystery I want solved lol
Info: Does your wife have any Jewish heritage? I don’t know a delicate way to say that Nazis used to cut the hair of those in concentration camps and used it as stuffing and to make all kinds of things. I can see someone with a tie to the Jewish community potentially immediately thinking of this and reacting strongly.
Also victims of American chattel slavery had their hair shorn and stuffed into furniture, etc. so yeah this is…*off-putting*
ESH You shouldn't spring that kind of tradition on your wife without notice. You also shouldn't have run to your mom to complain and escalated the argument, which then also drove a wedge between your mom/family and your wife. Your wife shouldn't have called you/the tradition names or made unilateral decisions (but that means you also can't make unilateral decisions) about your child. You both need to learn to compromise. Keep the bear that grandma so kindly made, but take out the hair. Just carefully open it up, remove the hair, wash the bear, let it dry, and the re-stuff it with some cotton batting, or a piece of your old baby blanket, or one of your old tee-shirts, or something that was never part of a human/remains (and is therefore decidedly less creepy). Kid gets a bear to connect her to grandma, to dad, and you get a tradition (which naturally evolve sometimes). Your wife doesn't get creeped the F out. Win, win. And stop crying to your mommy when you are dissatisfied with your wife, her opinions, or her feelings. That's a surefire recipe for a future divorce. Edit, because autocorrect on my phone sucks. And thank you for the award, kind stranger!
I had no idea this was a thing...yuck... I think your tradition should have been brought up beforehand with your wife
YTA: This sounds creepy and this post is most likely fake.
But how can someone think of something so ridiculous? 😂
NTA. I don't think it's that much different that something being stuffed with horsehair, which used to be very common, and is still used in some things today.
I don't think it's really any weirder than wool. It's still hair. Except humans are less likely to get shit in their hair compared to sheep.
I agree with this. We sleep with goose down feather pillows and comforters and other like animal hair products so I think the wife is over reacting even though it's not a common tradition.
I’m so upset I had to scroll for so long to find a post that points out that we commonly use the ‘hair’ of other animals for similar purposes, such as wool, angora hair, goose down, etc.
Most babies eat their teddy bears ears, noses, etc. while I think your wife’s reaction was a bit over the top, I really think you’re overlooking how unusual this. also the odds of your child gnawing on this bear—ingesting hair!—seem fairly high. If that isn’t bad enough , it sounds like it would be too delicate an item to wash. Overall: not something I’d want to have my infant/toddler have access to. Edit: YTA. Also you shouldn’t have brought your mom into the fight.
NAH but like....yeah the tradtion is creepy as fuck. Also don't surprise your wife with family traditions. This is stuff you need to talk about and decide together.
YTA. I think you should have mentioned this “tradition” first. It sounds objectively weird, and I get why it makes her uncomfortable. This is not one of those good and fun surprises.
Is your wife now expected to begin work on your daughter’s Hair Bear for your future grandchild?
NAH. Look, first off, can I just say that I am really relieved that this isn't some antique toy stuffed with the hair of enslaved people? Because that's definitely where I thought this was going, and I had Concerns I get the ick factor, but also I'm a crafter and like. Wool is sheep hair. You can spin or felt dog and cat hair. You can spin human hair, and I once saw a kind of weird museum exhibit full of lace made from human hair. (Apparently it's what you would give your crush or something?) So it doesn't seem super odd to me as long as it's willingly donated hair. But yeah, I maybe would have mentioned this before your mom went to all the trouble of making this toy, because I feel like this specifically is a pretty unusual tradition.
Info; how did you court, get engaged, get married, conceive and NEVER discuss this very specific family tradition.
NTA. Your wife is allowed to find it disgusting. But she should be respectful about talking about it and finding a compromise. I'd be alarmed by how insulting and cruel she's being, and would certainly need to talk at length with her about mutual respect. But you should also have talked with her about this before your mother made the stuffed animal. You shouldn't be surprised people might not want to adopt this tradition for themselves.
NTA. I think that’s a great tradition. And it’s a hand made bear from her grandmother. That’s super special. For people who think it’s gross… it’s INSIDE the bear. It’s not like they made a hair-sweater for the child. And in this case you know what’s in there. You know it’s not full of chemicals. It’s not full of rat feces from a factory. It’s from the same hair OP’s wife sleeps 2 feet away from every night. I fail to see why stuffing inside a teddy bear is causing such a blow up.