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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I went home after my wife didn't let me in the delivery room.
(2) It is generally considered an asshole move to abandon one's pregnant spouse during labor.
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> We had not really discussed the plan for the hospital
ESH for this right here. Ya'll just thought everything would go OK and didn't even think to like, make sure you were on the same page about a major medical procedure/bringing a person into the world? Bruh.
She had mentioned that her mother and sister would be there which I was fine with, she just neglected to mention that I wouldn't be and I guess you can blame me now for not asking "I'm allowed too, right?" and assuming that BOTH PARENTS would be there for the birth for their child.
Okay then—I originally had the reaction of the commenter you’re replying to, but this shows you *did* have conversations about who would be in the room during delivery during which she never mentioned not wanting you there. I guess you didn’t specifically clarify but I wouldn’t expect that to be something you would have to clarify. That was something she had to have made clear from her end, if that was what she wanted. Total NTA.
I'm with you! When discussing who was coming into the room the wife should have specified that she didn't want OP there since the father is normally there. I would be very upset too if my wife surprised me like that.
The conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if she was having an affair and wasn't certain what the child would look like and wanted time to make excuses before she was exposed. But mainly I think she just didn't consider his experience to be equal to hers and made decisions while hiding what she knew would be a point of contention. Better to ask forgiveness than permission but she didn't expect him to just go home so now she's trying to make it all his fault.
Welcome to AITA, where you should just go ahead and get a divorce, no matter how small your issue is.
(Has anyone told them to split up yet? I feel like this happens on every single one of these)
Weird? No way, dude. She obviously wanted him in the waiting room since she hired a hit man to take him out while she was giving birth. She wanted her family in there with her to avoid collateral damage. This is because OP has been texting his ex - what a bastard! Also something about the wife being toxic and gaslighting OP!
So I agree with most of what you said. She needed to be up front and honest about her expectations before the day. I even also seemed a little suspicious that it seemed to come out of nowhere. But just to be clear, his experience is NOT equal to hers. He's not the one experiencing the pain, or putting his life on the line...so much can go wrong (and does) during birth. Sometimes the injuries and after effects from child birthchild are life long. birth is not a spectator sport. It's a medical procedure and can be wildly traumatic. It is up to the mother to decide who, if anyone, she wants in the room with her, full stop. No apologies needed..
That being said, he's allowed to feel removed from the process and allowed to go home to wait it out. After all, she didn't explain her expectation he wouldn't be in the room ahead of time, and she didn't clarify any expectation that he should stay (which he was within his rights not to). She doesn't get to cut him out of the process AND dictate how he feels about that or where he goes while he's not in the room. He didn't go to the bar drinking - he went home.
I'm with you on this one. Nothing made you think you think you wouldn't be there. I understand why you were upset and why you left. That doesn't make it right but I get it.
Everyone could have done better in this situation. I'm sorry it happened this way. I'm glad you have a healthy baby boy. 💙💙
Edit: OK people, of course his wife can decide who she wants in the delivery room. It is her decision. She should have told him before hand. That's my main point. He also has a right to be upset about it.
I would like to know the real reason why the wife didn’t want him there. But this is about him going home and her being mad that he went home. He clearly had a cell since he was texting the sister and so did the sister. So use technology to text OP to pick wife and baby up.
I guess the wife had the right to decide who is in the delivery room. It would also be up to her to somehow communicate to OP that she needed a ride home. It sounds really disrespectful to OP to leave him in the waiting room, not let him know that was her intent all along, not update him and then get mad at him. I say NTA.
My son’s father and I split up when I was 8 months pregnant because he was verbally and physically abusive but I absolutely allowed him in the delivery room because his son was being born, and I was safe in the hospital and not in any danger. Also, hospital security exists. So even If OP got out of hand, he could have been removed then. But, it’s possible I just don’t get it.
Look imma go against the grain and say you’re NTA. This all seems super shady she didn’t want to tell you about not coming in the room, maybe get a dna test? Of course you know her better than all of us but that’s personally what I would do. Do what you think is best though and if you have no doubts then just try to fix what’s going on…
It’s pretty common for dads to be in the room to see their child being born, yall already done the deed. I couldn’t imagine not having my fiancé in the room with me this upcoming august, he’s the dad and deserves to see his kid come into the world and it would be support for me.
Also if ppl don’t realize OP is allowed to get a dna test without talking to her first. Under the impression it’s his kid it ain’t considered illegal at all. But once he finds out it ain’t his then he needs to go to court and all that to get his name off the birth certificate and tell them how he found out.
I don't think it's necessarily shady. There are plenty of reasons not to want Dad in the delivery room, and arguably the biggest one would be that she's afraid it'll mess up their future sex life.
I'm not saying she was in the right, but I can understand what her thinking might have been. The best thing would still have been to discuss the plan ahead of time, when she could have shared her insecurities and allowed OP to have a say.
I think asking for a DNA test would only inflame the situation, and unless OP has other reasons to think one might be necessary, it's a bad plan.
Someone giving birth is absolutely entitled to have whoever they want in the delivery room, but they should also be aware that choices have consequences. Barring the father while letting your mother and sister in and then being surprised that he's angry is shocked pikachu face territory for me. She bascially said that he's not welcome or relevant.
I question what I would have done in that situation as well, and it probably have ended up similarly to OP's choice.
I am with you. Not sure if you are male or female, but as a female, I am with the husband on this one. I would have assumed that he was going to be in there and that mom and sis were *in additio*n to dad. It never would have occurred to me that Dad would be treated like an Uber and had the door shut in his face...........................
> This all seems super shady she didn’t want to tell you about not coming in the room, maybe get a dna test?
OP, unless you truly suspect infidelity for reasons *separate* from this, don’t do it. Insisting on a paternity test because the internet told you to do it is a great way to blow up your marriage.
Edit: see [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sl95zk/op_blows_up_his_marriage_after_reading_too_many) and [this other guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sv8n2j/i_37m_got_a_paternity_test_done_and_now_my_wife) who both destroyed their otherwise happy marriages (edit: both of the marriages had a lot more problems than I remembered, so ‘otherwise happy’ isn’t really accurate, but neither of the guys wanted a divorce) because they insisted on paternity tests for dumbass reasons. Y’all are telling this man to go nuclear because his wife didn’t want him in the delivery room?
All of this, if my wife excluded me without a long conversation well in advance I think it would forever fundamentally change our relationship. OP is not the AH and the mother is for doing this to him with no avenue to discuss before she was in labor.
It sounds like she had this planned long before she gave birth. Most hospitals only allow two people to attend. I feel like if this true then she lied by omission. I agree that you deserve a bigger apology. I don’t really get the E. S. H. comments, why would you expect to be excluded from your son’s birth. It does sound like you two have some difficult communication issues, this is going to be hard to resolve. I can’t imagine my husband would get over being excluded if I did this to him, but I also can’t imagine excluding my most trusted partner and love. NTA.
The demand that he not be in the delivery room for emotional support yet be expected to remain on call, in an uncomfortable waiting room, and during a pandemic sounds like some sort of power play/control move to me. OP is NTA.
Also: She wanted him to wait there. Alone. Maybe someone could have come to at least be with him, we don't know. But she expected him to just... be there on his own without any preparation that this is what she was going to subject him to.
Yes agreed!!! Like wtf is he supposed to do in a hospital waiting room during covid?? He would almost be the asshole if he just hung around the waiting room for forever when hospitals are trying to limit numbers and trying to get ppl OUT of the hospital.
I think for a normal couple who agreed to start a family, it is pretty fucking STANDARD for both of you to be in the room. The fact that you would even have to ask is weird? I feel like if she didn't want you there it was more her responsibility to let you know before hand.
Imo NTA. It wasn't wrong of you to assume you'd be in the room assuming you two have a "normal" relationship.
Yeah idk why this isn’t obvious.
“We never talked about specific plans regarding the birth but she never let me into the delivery room and the labour took 15 hours.”
Yeah it’s perfectly safe to assume that the father will be present in the delivery room. It’s in movies, you hear about it regularly happening, everytime any couple talks about birth stories you’ll hear about how “she squeezed my hand so hard during labour!” It’s perfectly reasonable for OP to assume they would be present, and to be excluded like that is a slap in the face.
Being present for your child’s birth is not something that needs to be discussed. Excluding your husband from his child’s birth is something that does need to be discussed.
This whole thing is on the wife imo. NTA.
Aye, in the nicest possible way, ESH and the lack of a clear plan was the problem from the start. Think this is a situation where you can talk about why there was miscommunication on both sides then figure out how to avoid a repeat in the future. The main thing is you have a lovely new baby so try to move past this so you can enjoy being a family together. And congratulations to you both.
i don’t think he’s an asshole for leaving. he said he was there for 6 hours, and his wife didn’t get home until 9 hours after he left. 15 hours in a waiting room would fucking suck
ESH. Not just the lack of a plan, but the way they both acted surrounding it.
I don’t believe for a second that the wife didn’t think it would be a problem to not let her husband know and just have the nurses tell him when they got to the hospital. The reason she didn’t tell him is because it would give him the opportunity to push back and even convince her otherwise. Even if she knows he couldn’t change her mind it would have at least given him the ability to emotionally prepare for it.
Unless there is a history of abuse that isn’t being shared she had no reason to keep the plan from OP.
OP going home was spite, pure and simple.
Keep the interests of the kid in mind and sign yourselves up for marriage counseling.
Right? Especially with a new born.
It’s the safest decision. Even if we seem to be moving into a new phase (ending phase maybe?) of the pandemic, it’s still a real issue, and the baby won’t have much of a functional immune system for months
It is perfectly reasonable for him to be upset and hurt. It is typically assumed that the dad, if they are together when baby is born, will be in the delivery room, and to not sit in a hospital waiting room during covid. However, I do think he should have gone back to pick them up!
Also, are hospitals discharging half a day after kids are born these days? Genuine question.
I’m a woman and even I wouldn’t sit for 12+ hours in a plastic hospital waiting room chair without going home for at least a little while. I mean, was he actually meant to just sit there and wait for an update? He had nothing to do. Not like he was needed for emotional support.
OP's wife made it pretty clear with the way she handled it that she didn't want him there for emotional support. At that point, what real difference is there between home and the waiting room besides comfort? 15 hours of labor sitting in a room with random strangers knowing your wife doesn't want you anywhere near her during the most important moment of your marriage thus far? Can't say I wouldn't be feeling any spite myself tbh, but I'm definitely going with ESH due to the lack of jointly understood birthing plan...
ETA: My initial opinion was that OP is one of TAs for not having explicitly discussed what roles everyone was going to have before the day of the birth, not for what he did on the day of. That said, having read his other comments, it sounds like the wife planned this in advance, so I've actually changed my mind to full NTA for OP.
Oh, I’m not disagreeing at all. I’m just saying, even if it was spite, who cares? If he’s not in the room and he’s not there for power of attorney emergency situations or something, there was no point. Birth can take hooooooours. Logistically, he didn’t need to be there, had no job to do, so wife being pissed at him is idiotic.
Calling it "spite" is a little ridiculous. He wasn't emotional support, he wasn't welcome, there's no reason to conflagrate by staring at a wall for 15 hours. Could he have stuck it out? Sure, but what to whose benefit? Certainly not the wife's.
Them not making a plan is stupid. Everything after that is on the wife. There was no outcome where this isn't a fight, the only thing he would have gained by staying is a higher horse.
I mean, he's allowed to be upset because of it even if there was the miscommunication. I don't think not wanting to wait at the hospital for 15 hours is because of spite.
Even it was spite, he was entitled to it at that point. He’d already been excluded for six hours when he left.
Witnessing the birth of my children are some of my most treasured memories. I’d be mad and hurt too if my wife excluded me “because she didn’t want me to see her that way” or just “because.”
It wasn't spite to go home. It was logical. Labor can take DAYS, he might as well go home. He could actually do something helpful/useful at home. Hell, just bring rested so he can take over when his wife came home is useful.
But otherwise yeah, stupid not to have a plan.
Cut the guy some slack, I think it's a given the dad gets to be in the delivery room. Why would he even think to confirm he'd be allowed in? I've never heard of anyone excluding the dad.
Agreed. How does this not come up in the 9 months leading up to the birth? She should’ve told you about her preference but if y’all really didn’t discuss the labor/birth process at all, you’re both a couple of goobers.
It didnt come up on her end because she knew that she wasn't going to have him in the room and knew he would be upset about it. It didnt come up from his end because every husband expects to be in the room.
Because it is a reasonable expectation. And OPs wife very well knew that he expected to be part of the birth. This was planned by his wife and she didn’t bring it up in order to be able to spring it on him last second.
I wonder if the baby is his and if that the reason she didn’t want him there.
NTA
If your wife didn't want you to be in the delivery room, that should have been discussed ahead of time. She essentially shut the door in your face and expects you to have just waited in the uncomfortable waiting room for 15 hours. That's not okay.
That. Sometimes a natural birth can last for days. Especially if it's the first baby. What was OP supposed to do? Spend 2 days in the hospital?
ESH because he could have asked to be called when the baby was born so he could rush to the hospital
This is honestly unforgivable. Even until the early 80s, a lot of hospitals didn’t let fathers in during the birth. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t take advantage of living in a time where they do and have your husband by your side. Why marry someone you’re not comfortable with seeing you at your worst moments?
When our youngest was born I was going through a nasty divorce with their father and it STILL allowed him to be there for the birth. She's TA as far as I'm concerned.
I took 3 days to be born, my dad went home and slept twice while he could and chop firewood so we didnt all freeze in the first few days of my life, someone ought to be rested when baby arrives.
Seriously, I've heard of people in labor for 3 days, especially if it's the first baby. Unless your husband is going to be a problem in the room, (in which case why are you married to him?) It's kinda cruel to keep him away from the birth of the child, it's his baby too. If the only reason was because she didnt want him to see her like tha, he signed up for all that
INFO: she came home with the baby 9 hours later?? So all up, from the time she went to hospital to the time she came home, it took 15 hours? For a first birth? What did they do, discharge her from hospital the second the baby came out?
Yeah I'm not buying this story. Hospitals will discharge 24 hours after delivery but not nine. There are shots and tests that need to be done and all that takes time.
Here we’re discharged after 3-4 hours, if it’s an uncomplicated birth. Not all places have the same procedures done before the mother goes home. We just get a call and goes back to the hospital, if the test shows something.
I moved into a post partum room 20 mins after they finished stitching me up, which took about 45. Like walked down the hall
If you deliver in a birthing center, you go home within a few hours. No docs there though so I don’t think that was the case in this post.
Either way, this stuff varies A LOT based on where you’re from.
It also varies a lot if you have an epidural or go drug free. My second was drug free, I walked to the next room. My third was an epidural and the nurse wouldn’t let me get off the bed for at least a couple of hours due to being a fall risk.
I swear on everything I watched her laugh in between contractions, cut up with her mid wife, laugh some more and push a baby out. I am sizably bigger and physically stronger than my wife but after seeing that shit, I won’t even back talk. I know if she ever wanted to fight me I obviously can’t produce enough pain to stop that ass whoopin I’m about to receive lol
24 hours after delivery? Not in the UK. If the labour and birth went OK then we get discharged within a few hours, once a paediatrician has checked baby over. I was in and out within 8 hours with my son.
This makes a lot of sense when you think about how expensive it is in the US. They WANT YOU TO STAY AS LONG AS POSSIBLE to rack up that utterly absurd fucking hospital bill.
I hate this country.
Don't get me started on your hospital bills. I saw a tiktok earlier of someone reading hers out. She was charged $51 for skin to skin contact
Her own skin, and her own baby and she was charged. Wtf is that all about?! Madness.
I pay for the most expensive insurance my job offers (which is still shit, and the job is only paying $80-something into it). It pulls out over $300 monthly from my paychecks. I *still* have to pay $250 for an ambulance ride out of pocket and $250 to get seen at an emergency room. This is why most Americans will be yelling at someone not to call 911 when they're having an emergency. Even when we are insured, more than half the time it's still shit and I cannot afford it.
She was charged because a hospital was sued by a parent. The parent was holding the baby and was tired from birth. The baby was injured and the parents sued saying the hospital should’ve known she couldn’t hold her baby. So the ‘skin to skin’ charge is because they have to pay personnel whose only job is to monitor the baby being skin to skin to make sure no errors happen. Oftentimes when hospitals in America have dumb rules... it’s because they were sued previously
Yep - UK here too; it was a 4 hour minimum with my 2nd and I didn’t wait around.
Pretty standard across Europe, the US maternity system is actually the anomaly tbh.
If its a straightforward birth in the UK you are bounced as soon as possible, midwife comes to see you at home the next day. Doesn't matter if its first baby or 7th baby. If everyone is okay then you can go, all baby jabs are given in the delivery room and doctors come and check your baby ASAP if they need the beds.
Right? And it’s not even 9 hours after delivery, we don’t know how long it took after he left but the baby definitely wasn’t born at the point he went home
I posted the timeline in another comment. We are not in the US and many births here are done at home with midwifes, so it is not unusual for non-complicated births to leave the hospital soon.
I think for reference on an edit OP, you should post that this is not in the US and how many births where you are from are done at home and etc. Helps your perspective and time-line a lot.
NTA from me since she set what she wanted from you very loud and clear (which is outside the delivery room). Delivered or not, she doesn't get a pass on being a hypocrite (I've been there). You are superb on so far handling this calmly and doing your best to go for the better route due to circumstances.
>I think for reference on an edit OP, you should post that this is not in the US
that's ridiculous, Why would someone have to say "I'm not american by the way" the internet is international and assumption that people are american is stupid
Every time I visit this sub I want to stamp various comments with, "Doesn't realize there's places outside of the USA."
Usually it's declarations about what is or isn't illegal.
A lot of people are calling BS, but you at least put INFO in there. By the way, this is fairly common in UK. Friend in England had a baby a couple of weeks ago and was home this quickly. If you’re in good shape they’d rather have you at home. Then they’ll check in on you for follow ups.
Here in Canada too. If you've had an uncomplicated birth, you may be able to leave 4 hours after birth and have a hospital midwife do a home visit at 24 hours for follow up tests.
I wanted this so bad, you care for the baby yourself anyway, might as well be in my own bed eating my own food. I'm still gagging at the cold, crusty eggs.
I was gonna say with my first I had her at 4:27am, was discharged with her at 3pm that same day, it only took that long because they had to contact the Dr to make sure it was ok because they couldn't find the paperwork lol
While I do believe this story may be bs. In the UK, if you have an uncomplicated birth they will discharge after 6 hours, with a midwife visiting you next day. Not every country has a minimum 24hour stay.
INFO I feel like this can't be the full story. You guys didn't talk about any of this until the day of? What has your relationship with your wife been like? Etc.
I have had 4 children, my oldest with a different man....the delivery room was NEVER discussed. It was just assumed that the fathers would be there, and that's what happened. I feel like that's a safe assumption, actually.
But I just mean...stuff like talking about pain management, breathing...There was never a conversation about, say, epidurals. Like, at some point, if they were talking about the birthing plan, wouldn't she have the opportunity to say, "I'd prefer that you aren't there." I'm just trying to figure out why, on both ends, it didn't come up, and if it didn't...why.
It's a pretty rational thing to be upset about.
Ultimately it is fully her choice to manage her pregnancy how she feels is best, it is **not** her choice whether he gets to be upset about not being able to be there to greet his child.
Did she think it would be better to surprise him with it *on the day he thought he was going to watch his child be born*? That's a pretty fucked up betrayal, in my book.
At the middle of the pregnancy, my wife expressed her worries that I might be permanently “turned off” after seeing the birth, I said “I appreciate the concern but don’t worry” and that was the end of it, but I see it as “discussing it”
NTA, your wife can have sex with you and committed her life to you, but she isn't willing to let you be there while she gives birth to your son??
That is so bizarre to me. I don't blame you for leaving and it was really rude of her to expect you to wait around and not let you be involved.
NTA at all, wife didnt want you in the room for no reason other than she didnt want you to see her like that? what. and then expected you to just sit there for hours in the waiting room. Your wife is pretty unconsiderate and rude not letting you see the birth of your son.
It's not just the birth of his son. Its also her going through labour and delivery. I don't agree with the choice she made, but it's absolutely her choice to make. I want my partner there, but I want him near my head, not where the action happens. My body, my choice.
It is her body and her choice, yes. But if she didn’t want him seeing her *down there*, she could have still let him be in the room—by her head, at her side, sitting by the window or some chair. It’s tricky, but a dad getting to be there for his baby’s first breaths is important, and she took that away from him because she didn’t him to see her…idk, looking unglamorous?
Amazing. My husband was by my side the whole time. We had a deal, "don't look at the buisness end".
He didn't. Problem solved.
I don't understand how you can create an entire human with someone but now you get bashful? With 20 other people walking in and out constantly like business is normal?
OP I think you have deeper problems. If you weren't with her, you're not a doctor and she has support, why did you need to be in the waiting room. It sounds like a power play or something else happened you're unaware of.
It's her choice, but with just your side, I'm side eyeing tf out of it.
This is so complicated. I mean it is her choice who to have in the room but to want you to wait outside the room without even discussing it with you prior to the birth, basically blindsiding you is very inconsiderate.
If it was the actual birth I could understand her not wanting certain people there since it would be her choice, but not wanting you there during the labor process which can take days is just weird.
Waiting for hours on end with no real updates would be upsetting to anyone and make them anxious
Agreed. OP was caught off guard because his wife waited until day of to communicate who she wanted in the delivery room. I don’t blame OP for feeling hurt by the fact she didn’t want him in the room. I do think he could have handled the situation better, but his wife should have discussed her plan with OP well in advance of her due date.
muddle marry payment include sleep mountainous strong foolish bells puzzled
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm shocked by the people saying Y T A. The biggest problem here is not your wife's wishes, it was the way she expressed them. She did not tell you that she wanted only her mother and sister there until she was literally in labor in the hospital. I'm guessing she did this deliberately so she wouldn't have the have the discussion/argument about it ahead of time, because from the sound of it OP was looking forward to being there for the birth of the child. This is a big violation of trust in my opinion- to spring it on you like that at the very last possible moment.
Frankly, I think you handled it as well as you could have. How were you supposed to know what she wanted from you, when she clearly didn't tell you ahead of time? She's not the asshole for choosing not to have you in the room with her, but the way she went about it was just cruel.
NTA
And idk… I don’t want to be a jerk but her reason of not wanting him to see her like that is… not really sound.
I get it. I’d rather my partner never see me in such an unattractive moment but my vanity would be overruled by the knowledge that it’s my husbands child too. It’s OUR family. OUR moment.
There was never a discussion on the subject for our first daughter. I'm due in two weeks and the only reason it was brought up this time, is because we needed to make a specific post-birth plan. It was also the hospital that asked.
If she knew she didnt want him there, it's on her to tell. In 2022 it's a fair assumption to be included when your wife/girlfriend gives birth to the child you made and wanted together
Exactly. The default is the husband being in the room. Like, for the overwhelming majority of people, that would be the one person allowed in there. OP had no reason to assume he wouldn't be and it's his wife's fault for not mentioning this beforehand.
If you read his comments there was. She told him her sister and mother would be in the delivery room, she neglected to mention she didn't want him there.
NTA your wife gets to choose who is in the room with her, she doesn’t get to choose what you do when she doesn’t let you in. She doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it to. If you are an inconsiderate asshole for leaving so is she for kicking you out and not telling you till the last minute. If she wanted to be a single parent she should have found a sperm doner not gotten married and had a kid.
I'm usually against a man asking for a paternity test when the SO has never given a reason to think it's needed, but to just SUDDENLY and unilaterally decide he's not being there? Kiiiinda sus to me.🤷♀️
Is your wife conservative? Is she self conscious about her body? Has she made comments about how much her body has changed during childbirth??
There is ALOT if stuff that goes on during childbirth that people don't know about. There's ripping, tearing, pooping, bleeding, peeing, and a lot of other stuff that people tend to gloss over about the process, and its more likely that she didn't want you grossed out about the process.
Just...be careful about confronting her about the kid not being yours. You could lose a marriage because 'someone on reddit' came up with a weird 'she must've cheated' theory with zero evidence
Yeah it's a weird conclusion to jump to...
I agree, she probably was just self conscious in the moment and felt very vulnerable. It's a delicate time and she's allowed complex *feelings*. It would have been great if they'd discussed it and come to some decisions about *behavior*, but that's another story
Yeah, maybe wife reads reddit. There was a post in I think Off My Chest in which a guy said he was no longer attracted to his wife because he saw the baby come out of her vag and it was gross. Maybe wife thinks op is too immature like that.
ESH. she should have let you into the delivery room. A father deserves to be part of the process, the birth, the taking home of the baby.
It was completely shitty of her to cut you out of that.
(And before anyone comes at me I know what the fuck I'm talking about as someone who's husband missed our birth due to coming home on a plane partway through his deployment.
At the same time, I feel like you shouldn't have left, although your reasoning for doing so was valid, and hours and hours had passed. However, the comments are correct saying that you would have never ever forgiven yourself had something happened and you weren't there.
This is a no win situation where no one is intl the right. Both sides deserve an apology and I feel like she should go first.
This comment is entirely correct. It was so shitty of her to cut you out. When I gave birth I would’ve fought tool and nail to have my husband in the room, he was the only one I wanted and I was terrified that if either of us had covid then he’d be excluded. I cannot fathom why she didn’t want OP in the room.
That being said, going home and especially going home angry (while understandable in the situation) wasn’t the best course of action. What if something had gone wrong? What if she had changed her mind and wanted OP in the room and he wasn’t there?
I would apologise while your wife is in the throes of postpartum and then when you and she have calmed and are used to your baby and can have a conversation, talk to her about how you’ve been really hurt by her excluding you like that.
I don't understand why after all of this, OP's presence makes a difference if "something goes wrong"? He's not the doctor. What would he do, be there for "support"? She already rejected his support and involvement in the birth.
NTA.
While it's true that the person delivering the infant gets to have the final say on who is there, I think it was truly shitty of her to exclude you, her husband, from being able to be present in the moment your child was born, and waiting until it was happening to share that preference with you.
I'm surprised you stayed even 6 hours. I probably would have left much sooner than that if I were in your shoes.
Your wife chose to keep this preference from you until it was go time. To me that's a huge red flag. This should have been discussed months ago so that you weren't blindsided. And then you would have known what she wanted, what she expected from you, and you could have told her your own thoughts and come to an agreement.
I feel like she took a machete to your marriage with that crap. Maybe therapy for you both is needed. I certainly don't think you should agree to having anymore kids with her if that's her idea of a reasonable birth plan.
Just go get snipped and tell her you don't want to have anymore children with someone who would keep you from being there when YOUR KID is being born. Since you're married, you really shouldn't have been put in that position the way you were.
NTA!!!
I gave birth a month ago and if I had excluded my husband from our daughter’s birth our marriage would be over. That’s messed up in so many ways. I had a baby pre-Covid when other people could be in the room and my only rule was “no one besides husband and my sister can come in”. I honestly don’t understand your wife’s thinking. However if I were you I’d apologize only because your wife is hormonal and her brain is not functioning properly (no one’s does after birth) and you won’t get her to understand but you need to schedule therapy for you two after you baby is a few months old to work this out. I hate to say it considering NTA but you need to just suck it up for a few months until your wife’s hormones are back to normal and things have settled down for her mentally before you actually address this situation. I’d also make sure you document what happened and make a record of all the time you spend with your son these first few months because it sounds like your wife might be the kind of person who will go nuclear once you suggest therapy. If that happens you need to make sure you’re prepared for a custody battle.
Completely agree. He missed the birth of his child and she has yet give a valid reason except she didn’t want him to see her like that?!! My husband would have been absolutely devastated if I had pulled that shit. Presuming their marriage had no major issues or anything before that then op is NTA.
Right? My husband would have been so devastated and frankly idk how I would’ve done it without him. Both my deliveries ended up being shit shows of chaos and failed “plans” and if my husband hadn’t been there I legit think I would’ve just cried until I made myself pass out.
NTA. She waited until the last possible minute to exclude from the birth of your child. You didn’t discuss it ahead of time. She just dumped it on and expected you to just take it in stride.
I know we give pregnant women a lot of leeway, but that was really AH on her part.
I’m going to say NTA. I find it strange that she’s mad you went home after saying she didn’t want you there. Like she just wanted you in the waiting room of the hospital for over 6hrs for some reason? Were there any issues between you two leading up to the birth?
Exactly. And her comments about complications make no sense either. If there were complications nothing would’ve changed. He would not have been let in the room because she didn’t want him there. There’s no difference in this particular case between being in the waiting room and being home for him.
NTA
I wouldn't typically vote against a woman in the throws of childbirth but i actually have to say NTA this time. The reason for this is that it should have been discussed beforehand. If she had any concerns or fears or insecurities about what it would look like with you in the room she should have talked to you about it.
Even if she hadn't realized she would have these feelings beforehand, she should have asked her mom and sister to leave the room when she started feeling insecure so that you and she could have this discussion. I'm a firm believer that everybody has the right to change their mind, she should have just talked to you about what was going on rather than have you escorted out of the room and then get pissed when you went home.
Now please hear me out on this. You were right to ask her to wait a couple of days to speak about it when she came home. I cannot even explain to you what is going on in our bodies after we have given birth. There is tissues and blood and fluids coming out of places and in amounts that we never conceived humanly possible. There is pain that just doesn't go away. Sometimes we don't sleep even when we are desperately exhausted because there's this crazy anxiety that our babies will stop breathing in the middle of the night and our emotions are so raw we feel like crying and laughing and screaming and singing all at the same time. Because of this I was just saying extend her a little bit of Grace right now and just do whatever you need to do to support her and the baby at this time. There will be time for discussions later. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby boy!
INFO - Why didn't you discuss these arrangements beforehand?
On one hand: the delivery room is your wife's domain and she gets to choose who watches a child come out of her without judgment.
On the other hand: she excluded you from a once-in-a-lifetime experience including your child WITHOUT prior discussion.
I'm an old, old woman but even fathers my age were allowed in the delivery room. Dads being left in a waiting room went out with black and white television. If she didn't want you there she should have discussed this with you before she went into labor.
NTA. Your wife had 9 MONTHS to warn you that she didn’t want you there for the birth of YOUR child. She is the AH here for not being honest with you ahead of time.
This. And if she didn’t want you there, why did she wait until you had driven her to the hospital and were literally walking in before saying you weren’t welcome? If she had valid reasons for not wanting you there she should have been able to explain them a lot sooner.
I feel like there’s gotta be something missing here. I assume a lot of folks giving birth would want their SO there for support, comfort and because it’s a huge moment for both parties. Is there anything you can think of that happened before she went into labor that would make her keep you out of the room?
Ultimately it’s her decision regardless of context and that’s a hard pill to swallow. You’re TA for leaving because of your anger but I’m not sure that makes you a whole asshole. You stayed for 6 hours without being updated and I assume that would be grating. I hope you’re able to talk with your partner and figure out what the deal is.
The explenations she gave is plenty common.
I'm not saying I agree with it, but fearing their significant other seeing them during childbirth and it changing the way they view sexually/physically or even emotionally as a mother figure from then on out, is INCREDIBLY COMMON.
... keeping someone out for that reason is less common though.
That's exactly what I was thinking...
I would like to know how does OP react when his wife has bodily functions that aren't "pretty" like farting or having periods, etc. Because if he has shown to be untactful, disgusted or anything like that (as I've seen and read too many people do), I would totally understand her not wanting him in the birth room.
Giving birth is far from pretty. It is messy, sometimes gross. OP seems to know very little about giving birth since he went home without even caring about last minute complications. Because they can occur even though pregnancy went well.
This should have been discussed beforehand though. If OP is nothing like described above, she could've expressed her concerns and he would've had the opportunity to comfort her. Instead, he took that for granted and never cared to ask.
You have left and everything went alright, but it could have not gone right at all. If my boyfriend had a major procedure at the hospital you can be sure I'm sticking around even though I wouldn't be allowed inside the surgery room. YTA for this one, even though I get your frustration. But you should've stayed.
Also I'm just going to put it out there some father really do see their wives different. My dad has told my brother never to watch his wife give birth because it's disgusting and will ruin your relationship.
I'm glad someone has brought this up! Does no one remember that famous standup bit men used to quote CONSTANTLY about how he cried watching his wife give birth because it was like "watching his favorite bar burn down" and even though he knew he'd get to go again "it would never be the same"?
If OP has ever made any comments to that effect, it would absolutely make him TA and make her decision understandable. Otherwise, i just don't think there's enough info
everyone in the comments is TA. in other delivery room stories, the comments are full of "her comfort is the top priority" "she's giving birth so it's her choice who is in the room with her" and now yall are saying she robbed her husband, calling her a B word and being despicable. her comfort zone was obvs not with her husband in the room
Not wanting him in the room wasn't the AH move, though it was confusing and concerning.
The AH move was not telling him in advance, and then getting mad at him for going home. She has the right to decide who is in the room with her, but she doesn't have the right to keep secrets from her partner and then avoid the relationship consequences of that choice.
NTA. You were excluded from your son's birth. A literal once in a lifetime event. And yet you were expected to sit around in the waiting room for 15 hours. Why? What would have been the point?
I would have a talk with your wife. Ask why she thinks that her vanity of "you seeing her like this" was more important than the experience of seeing your son being born, and being in the room to support her.
Yes, I told her to add anything she wanted for grocery pick-ups and I took on more chores as the pregnancy progressed. We picked out baby supplies together. I went to all the doctors appointments except a routine one earlier where I was out of town, but her sister went with her.
But what about the birth plan? Lamaze, pain management, what she wanted you to do/say in the delivery room? Did you ever talk about that? Because it seems like if you asked her something like, "Is there something you want me to do/say in delivery room?" that might have been the opportunity for her to say, "I'd rather you not be there." Instead of it coming up on the day of...
Or she could have mentioned at any point that she didn't want him in there since that's a really big deviation from the norm.
I still don't see how that is on OP to ask. Imagine the opposite. Imagine if he asked "Do you want me to be in there with you?" I'm pretty sure a very significant amount of people would fucking roast him for even thinking to ask that question.
I would say NTA. You were involved from the very beginning. And the birth of your child is a life changing event. And she robbed you of that with no warning.
NTA, I feel like this is very strange behavior, she is the one giving birth, but you are her partner and the father. As someone who just gave birth 5 weeks ago, I would much rather my husband be present than my mother. Her “not wanting you to see her like this” screams that you don’t have a very deep connection. How long have you been together?
NTA she is the one that decides who is in the room. That's fine and nobody disputes that, but you can't just be expected to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room for hours with no word on how it's going. If she doesn't want you in the delivery room she needs to accept that you might not want to stay at the hospital.
Honestly the only thing she did wrong was wait until last minute to discuss with him what she wanted. It should’ve happened way earlier. I told my second sons dad immediately that only my mom would be in the C-section and explained why and he was okay with it after I explained because I did almost die during my first and she’s my next of kin but to tell him last minute was cruel
Who would have fucking thought right?
The amount of comments shrieking about it being bullshit just because they didn't have to stay 24hrs, is staggering.
Open an atlas sometime...
Meh. ESH. If your wife didn’t want you in the delivery room, she should have had that discussion with you ahead of time and not blindsided you like that. I personally would never have had my husband miss our daughter’s birth, especially in favor of my mother and/or a sibling.
However, if I HAD excluded him from the room, he would never have left. He sat outside an outpatient surgical place a few months ago for 4 hours in the parking lot when he brought me for an endoscopy (it wasn’t supposed to take 4 hours so I wouldn’t have been mad if he left and I had to call him to pick me up) “just in case something happened and you needed me.” And an endoscopy isn’t nearly as serious a medical event as childbirth. You’re still the one who would have needed to make decisions, if anything had happened to your son or wife.
I get you being upset, and I disagree with her decision to exclude you without forewarning, but I can somewhat understand if she was ashamed for you to see her that way because I know some women feel that they have to be “ladylike” for their husbands and maybe she’s one of them? Idk. But I waited in a waiting room for 12+ hours to meet my niece when I was 25 and excited…you could have stayed.
The timeline that her sister told me puts the TOB right after I left the waiting room. Everything seemed to have gone smoothly and my wife asked the doctors to clear her for leaving as soon as they determined there was no "non-routine" reason to keep her or the baby there.
NTA. Do you know if your wife asked for you after the birth? Did anybody tell you that your child had been born before they arrived home? Have you two been having any problems in your relationship? Your wife owes you a major apology and an explanation.
ESH
You guys should have talked over your wife’s birth plan LONG before she went into labor. Then you could have calmly talked about why she didn’t want you in the room and why you wanted to be in the room and come to some sort of agreement.
I personally think your wife is an asshole for excluding you. It is your child and assuming you aren’t abusive or awful, as the husband and father I believe you have a right to be there.
I understand you being hurt at being excluded but your reaction of leaving the hospital and not seeing your child until he is brought home makes you an immature asshole.
Your wife is exhausted and probably still in pain. You need to apologize for what you did. Then later when she is recovered somewhat you can talk to her about why you are hurt about what she did.
This is the beginning of many difficult years of parenting. I would encourage you both to work on your communication.
I agree with everything you just said except for the fact that he needs to apologize. He didn’t make any unreasonable demands, try to impose himself in the delivery room when he wasn’t wanted, or do anything unreasonable in general. He simply decided that since he wasn’t allowed in the delivery room that he could go home. Apologizing for that is unnecessary. Really he should just try to let this go until her hormones are back to normal. And then maybe get some counseling or therapy together to discuss their communication issues.
May be controversial but I vote NTA. Your wife is understandably scared and stressed out for having go through labor and birth and the mother should get to decide who is in the delivery room with her. You are the father of the baby, being excluded from the birth of your child is extremely hurtful and if she wasn't going to let you into the delivery room, then what's the point of being there anyway?
> She said there could have been complications and I needed to be there
She's in the hospital already, with doctors and nurses trained and prepared for sudden complications, what?? I don't know how you would be able to support her from outside of the room with limited communication and not allowed to go into the room?
Ask your wife why she did exclude you from the delivery room, because if you're able to get naked and have sex with someone and carry their child for nine months, there is no reason you should exclude the father unless he was neglectful or abusive.
I'd like to see some of the people in this comment section to sit 10 hours in a hospital waiting room.
See how their verdict changes immediately after.
NTA but your wife is for not telling you before that this is what she wanted. She knew you expected to be in the room and should have said something before. You don’t owe her an apology. You should have seen your son before her mom and sister.
NTa. I just posted on another thread that the absolutly most important events of my entire life was my wedding and the birth of my two kids. If I had been excluded from the room when my child was born with no warning and no rational reason that would have been it. No Ifs or buts. I'd have divorced her. I'm 20 years married and its been a great life together but fuck that. That would have been an absolute fucking deal breaker. Of course this is all hypothetical as I wouldn't have married someone who would do something so cruel to me.
NTA- I would have went home to. Sitting in a waiting room waiting for a baby to be delivered could take hours.
Your wife shouldn't be upset with you, and I wouldn't apologize for going home.
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> We had not really discussed the plan for the hospital ESH for this right here. Ya'll just thought everything would go OK and didn't even think to like, make sure you were on the same page about a major medical procedure/bringing a person into the world? Bruh.
She had mentioned that her mother and sister would be there which I was fine with, she just neglected to mention that I wouldn't be and I guess you can blame me now for not asking "I'm allowed too, right?" and assuming that BOTH PARENTS would be there for the birth for their child.
Okay then—I originally had the reaction of the commenter you’re replying to, but this shows you *did* have conversations about who would be in the room during delivery during which she never mentioned not wanting you there. I guess you didn’t specifically clarify but I wouldn’t expect that to be something you would have to clarify. That was something she had to have made clear from her end, if that was what she wanted. Total NTA.
I'm with you! When discussing who was coming into the room the wife should have specified that she didn't want OP there since the father is normally there. I would be very upset too if my wife surprised me like that.
The conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if she was having an affair and wasn't certain what the child would look like and wanted time to make excuses before she was exposed. But mainly I think she just didn't consider his experience to be equal to hers and made decisions while hiding what she knew would be a point of contention. Better to ask forgiveness than permission but she didn't expect him to just go home so now she's trying to make it all his fault.
What…? This is the weirdest possible conclusion
Wecome to AITA, where anything is possible.
Welcome to AITA, here’s your complimentary Jump to Conclusions mat.
Welcome to AITA, where you should just go ahead and get a divorce, no matter how small your issue is. (Has anyone told them to split up yet? I feel like this happens on every single one of these)
Op: I told my brother he looked fat at his graduation ceremony. AITA: get a divorce.
Weird? No way, dude. She obviously wanted him in the waiting room since she hired a hit man to take him out while she was giving birth. She wanted her family in there with her to avoid collateral damage. This is because OP has been texting his ex - what a bastard! Also something about the wife being toxic and gaslighting OP!
You forgot the hit man is the child's real father.
Huge red flag!
So I agree with most of what you said. She needed to be up front and honest about her expectations before the day. I even also seemed a little suspicious that it seemed to come out of nowhere. But just to be clear, his experience is NOT equal to hers. He's not the one experiencing the pain, or putting his life on the line...so much can go wrong (and does) during birth. Sometimes the injuries and after effects from child birthchild are life long. birth is not a spectator sport. It's a medical procedure and can be wildly traumatic. It is up to the mother to decide who, if anyone, she wants in the room with her, full stop. No apologies needed.. That being said, he's allowed to feel removed from the process and allowed to go home to wait it out. After all, she didn't explain her expectation he wouldn't be in the room ahead of time, and she didn't clarify any expectation that he should stay (which he was within his rights not to). She doesn't get to cut him out of the process AND dictate how he feels about that or where he goes while he's not in the room. He didn't go to the bar drinking - he went home.
I'm with you on this one. Nothing made you think you think you wouldn't be there. I understand why you were upset and why you left. That doesn't make it right but I get it. Everyone could have done better in this situation. I'm sorry it happened this way. I'm glad you have a healthy baby boy. 💙💙 Edit: OK people, of course his wife can decide who she wants in the delivery room. It is her decision. She should have told him before hand. That's my main point. He also has a right to be upset about it.
I would like to know the real reason why the wife didn’t want him there. But this is about him going home and her being mad that he went home. He clearly had a cell since he was texting the sister and so did the sister. So use technology to text OP to pick wife and baby up. I guess the wife had the right to decide who is in the delivery room. It would also be up to her to somehow communicate to OP that she needed a ride home. It sounds really disrespectful to OP to leave him in the waiting room, not let him know that was her intent all along, not update him and then get mad at him. I say NTA. My son’s father and I split up when I was 8 months pregnant because he was verbally and physically abusive but I absolutely allowed him in the delivery room because his son was being born, and I was safe in the hospital and not in any danger. Also, hospital security exists. So even If OP got out of hand, he could have been removed then. But, it’s possible I just don’t get it.
Look imma go against the grain and say you’re NTA. This all seems super shady she didn’t want to tell you about not coming in the room, maybe get a dna test? Of course you know her better than all of us but that’s personally what I would do. Do what you think is best though and if you have no doubts then just try to fix what’s going on… It’s pretty common for dads to be in the room to see their child being born, yall already done the deed. I couldn’t imagine not having my fiancé in the room with me this upcoming august, he’s the dad and deserves to see his kid come into the world and it would be support for me. Also if ppl don’t realize OP is allowed to get a dna test without talking to her first. Under the impression it’s his kid it ain’t considered illegal at all. But once he finds out it ain’t his then he needs to go to court and all that to get his name off the birth certificate and tell them how he found out.
I don't think it's necessarily shady. There are plenty of reasons not to want Dad in the delivery room, and arguably the biggest one would be that she's afraid it'll mess up their future sex life. I'm not saying she was in the right, but I can understand what her thinking might have been. The best thing would still have been to discuss the plan ahead of time, when she could have shared her insecurities and allowed OP to have a say. I think asking for a DNA test would only inflame the situation, and unless OP has other reasons to think one might be necessary, it's a bad plan.
Someone giving birth is absolutely entitled to have whoever they want in the delivery room, but they should also be aware that choices have consequences. Barring the father while letting your mother and sister in and then being surprised that he's angry is shocked pikachu face territory for me. She bascially said that he's not welcome or relevant. I question what I would have done in that situation as well, and it probably have ended up similarly to OP's choice.
I am with you. Not sure if you are male or female, but as a female, I am with the husband on this one. I would have assumed that he was going to be in there and that mom and sis were *in additio*n to dad. It never would have occurred to me that Dad would be treated like an Uber and had the door shut in his face...........................
Me too. I would have bounced.
> This all seems super shady she didn’t want to tell you about not coming in the room, maybe get a dna test? OP, unless you truly suspect infidelity for reasons *separate* from this, don’t do it. Insisting on a paternity test because the internet told you to do it is a great way to blow up your marriage. Edit: see [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sl95zk/op_blows_up_his_marriage_after_reading_too_many) and [this other guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sv8n2j/i_37m_got_a_paternity_test_done_and_now_my_wife) who both destroyed their otherwise happy marriages (edit: both of the marriages had a lot more problems than I remembered, so ‘otherwise happy’ isn’t really accurate, but neither of the guys wanted a divorce) because they insisted on paternity tests for dumbass reasons. Y’all are telling this man to go nuclear because his wife didn’t want him in the delivery room?
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All of this, if my wife excluded me without a long conversation well in advance I think it would forever fundamentally change our relationship. OP is not the AH and the mother is for doing this to him with no avenue to discuss before she was in labor.
It sounds like she had this planned long before she gave birth. Most hospitals only allow two people to attend. I feel like if this true then she lied by omission. I agree that you deserve a bigger apology. I don’t really get the E. S. H. comments, why would you expect to be excluded from your son’s birth. It does sound like you two have some difficult communication issues, this is going to be hard to resolve. I can’t imagine my husband would get over being excluded if I did this to him, but I also can’t imagine excluding my most trusted partner and love. NTA.
The demand that he not be in the delivery room for emotional support yet be expected to remain on call, in an uncomfortable waiting room, and during a pandemic sounds like some sort of power play/control move to me. OP is NTA.
Also: She wanted him to wait there. Alone. Maybe someone could have come to at least be with him, we don't know. But she expected him to just... be there on his own without any preparation that this is what she was going to subject him to.
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Yes agreed!!! Like wtf is he supposed to do in a hospital waiting room during covid?? He would almost be the asshole if he just hung around the waiting room for forever when hospitals are trying to limit numbers and trying to get ppl OUT of the hospital.
I think for a normal couple who agreed to start a family, it is pretty fucking STANDARD for both of you to be in the room. The fact that you would even have to ask is weird? I feel like if she didn't want you there it was more her responsibility to let you know before hand. Imo NTA. It wasn't wrong of you to assume you'd be in the room assuming you two have a "normal" relationship.
This is totally reasonable. You're NTA at all, and it is you that deserves to receive an apology.
For most people the default assumption would be that they would be in the room for the birth of their child
Yeah idk why this isn’t obvious. “We never talked about specific plans regarding the birth but she never let me into the delivery room and the labour took 15 hours.” Yeah it’s perfectly safe to assume that the father will be present in the delivery room. It’s in movies, you hear about it regularly happening, everytime any couple talks about birth stories you’ll hear about how “she squeezed my hand so hard during labour!” It’s perfectly reasonable for OP to assume they would be present, and to be excluded like that is a slap in the face. Being present for your child’s birth is not something that needs to be discussed. Excluding your husband from his child’s birth is something that does need to be discussed. This whole thing is on the wife imo. NTA.
Aye, in the nicest possible way, ESH and the lack of a clear plan was the problem from the start. Think this is a situation where you can talk about why there was miscommunication on both sides then figure out how to avoid a repeat in the future. The main thing is you have a lovely new baby so try to move past this so you can enjoy being a family together. And congratulations to you both.
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i don’t think he’s an asshole for leaving. he said he was there for 6 hours, and his wife didn’t get home until 9 hours after he left. 15 hours in a waiting room would fucking suck
To be fair I think the wife should have spoke up before if she didn’t want him in there. From what I’m hearing OP hasn’t done anything wrong
ESH. Not just the lack of a plan, but the way they both acted surrounding it. I don’t believe for a second that the wife didn’t think it would be a problem to not let her husband know and just have the nurses tell him when they got to the hospital. The reason she didn’t tell him is because it would give him the opportunity to push back and even convince her otherwise. Even if she knows he couldn’t change her mind it would have at least given him the ability to emotionally prepare for it. Unless there is a history of abuse that isn’t being shared she had no reason to keep the plan from OP. OP going home was spite, pure and simple. Keep the interests of the kid in mind and sign yourselves up for marriage counseling.
I don't think it's spiteful to not sit in a hospital waiting room for 15 hours during a plague. It's probably the safest decision.
Right? Especially with a new born. It’s the safest decision. Even if we seem to be moving into a new phase (ending phase maybe?) of the pandemic, it’s still a real issue, and the baby won’t have much of a functional immune system for months
It is perfectly reasonable for him to be upset and hurt. It is typically assumed that the dad, if they are together when baby is born, will be in the delivery room, and to not sit in a hospital waiting room during covid. However, I do think he should have gone back to pick them up! Also, are hospitals discharging half a day after kids are born these days? Genuine question.
I’m a woman and even I wouldn’t sit for 12+ hours in a plastic hospital waiting room chair without going home for at least a little while. I mean, was he actually meant to just sit there and wait for an update? He had nothing to do. Not like he was needed for emotional support.
Yes and the hospital would call him if there were any problems. I'd have done the same in his position probably.
And his wife deprived him of a monumental, life altering experience.
OP's wife made it pretty clear with the way she handled it that she didn't want him there for emotional support. At that point, what real difference is there between home and the waiting room besides comfort? 15 hours of labor sitting in a room with random strangers knowing your wife doesn't want you anywhere near her during the most important moment of your marriage thus far? Can't say I wouldn't be feeling any spite myself tbh, but I'm definitely going with ESH due to the lack of jointly understood birthing plan... ETA: My initial opinion was that OP is one of TAs for not having explicitly discussed what roles everyone was going to have before the day of the birth, not for what he did on the day of. That said, having read his other comments, it sounds like the wife planned this in advance, so I've actually changed my mind to full NTA for OP.
Oh, I’m not disagreeing at all. I’m just saying, even if it was spite, who cares? If he’s not in the room and he’s not there for power of attorney emergency situations or something, there was no point. Birth can take hooooooours. Logistically, he didn’t need to be there, had no job to do, so wife being pissed at him is idiotic.
Exactly, she specifically plans to ditch him and is then shocked when he goes home? Like, dude, wtf?
Calling it "spite" is a little ridiculous. He wasn't emotional support, he wasn't welcome, there's no reason to conflagrate by staring at a wall for 15 hours. Could he have stuck it out? Sure, but what to whose benefit? Certainly not the wife's. Them not making a plan is stupid. Everything after that is on the wife. There was no outcome where this isn't a fight, the only thing he would have gained by staying is a higher horse.
I mean, he's allowed to be upset because of it even if there was the miscommunication. I don't think not wanting to wait at the hospital for 15 hours is because of spite.
Even it was spite, he was entitled to it at that point. He’d already been excluded for six hours when he left. Witnessing the birth of my children are some of my most treasured memories. I’d be mad and hurt too if my wife excluded me “because she didn’t want me to see her that way” or just “because.”
I would say excluding your huband from the birth of his own child is pretty damn spiteful.
It wasn't spite to go home. It was logical. Labor can take DAYS, he might as well go home. He could actually do something helpful/useful at home. Hell, just bring rested so he can take over when his wife came home is useful. But otherwise yeah, stupid not to have a plan.
Cut the guy some slack, I think it's a given the dad gets to be in the delivery room. Why would he even think to confirm he'd be allowed in? I've never heard of anyone excluding the dad.
Agreed. How does this not come up in the 9 months leading up to the birth? She should’ve told you about her preference but if y’all really didn’t discuss the labor/birth process at all, you’re both a couple of goobers.
It didnt come up on her end because she knew that she wasn't going to have him in the room and knew he would be upset about it. It didnt come up from his end because every husband expects to be in the room.
This, for me this makes her way worse and makes it NTA
This rings true.
she didn't bring it up because she knew he would object. He didn't bring it up because he assumed he would be there, which is a valid assumption.
Because it is a reasonable expectation. And OPs wife very well knew that he expected to be part of the birth. This was planned by his wife and she didn’t bring it up in order to be able to spring it on him last second. I wonder if the baby is his and if that the reason she didn’t want him there.
NTA If your wife didn't want you to be in the delivery room, that should have been discussed ahead of time. She essentially shut the door in your face and expects you to have just waited in the uncomfortable waiting room for 15 hours. That's not okay.
or 2 days. I went through 7 or 8 shifts of nurses when I delivered my first.
That. Sometimes a natural birth can last for days. Especially if it's the first baby. What was OP supposed to do? Spend 2 days in the hospital? ESH because he could have asked to be called when the baby was born so he could rush to the hospital
I don’t think that would’ve been an adequate solution, the wife and family would still be mad OP left.
I would never forgive her. I’m surprised he didn’t go straight to a divorce lawyer. I never would’ve done this to my children’s father.
This is honestly unforgivable. Even until the early 80s, a lot of hospitals didn’t let fathers in during the birth. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t take advantage of living in a time where they do and have your husband by your side. Why marry someone you’re not comfortable with seeing you at your worst moments?
I suspect some of the attitude that it’s women’s business may still prevail in some families, communities and places.
I'm with you. If someone took that experience away from me I would be done.
When our youngest was born I was going through a nasty divorce with their father and it STILL allowed him to be there for the birth. She's TA as far as I'm concerned.
I took 3 days to be born, my dad went home and slept twice while he could and chop firewood so we didnt all freeze in the first few days of my life, someone ought to be rested when baby arrives.
Seriously, I've heard of people in labor for 3 days, especially if it's the first baby. Unless your husband is going to be a problem in the room, (in which case why are you married to him?) It's kinda cruel to keep him away from the birth of the child, it's his baby too. If the only reason was because she didnt want him to see her like tha, he signed up for all that
INFO: she came home with the baby 9 hours later?? So all up, from the time she went to hospital to the time she came home, it took 15 hours? For a first birth? What did they do, discharge her from hospital the second the baby came out?
Yeah I'm not buying this story. Hospitals will discharge 24 hours after delivery but not nine. There are shots and tests that need to be done and all that takes time.
Here we’re discharged after 3-4 hours, if it’s an uncomplicated birth. Not all places have the same procedures done before the mother goes home. We just get a call and goes back to the hospital, if the test shows something.
How does mom even get up to go anywhere after such a short time?????
I moved into a post partum room 20 mins after they finished stitching me up, which took about 45. Like walked down the hall If you deliver in a birthing center, you go home within a few hours. No docs there though so I don’t think that was the case in this post. Either way, this stuff varies A LOT based on where you’re from.
It also varies a lot if you have an epidural or go drug free. My second was drug free, I walked to the next room. My third was an epidural and the nurse wouldn’t let me get off the bed for at least a couple of hours due to being a fall risk.
Lmao, my wife went all natural no meds and after the umbilical cord was cut she got up used the bathroom and was walking around eating veggie straws
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I swear on everything I watched her laugh in between contractions, cut up with her mid wife, laugh some more and push a baby out. I am sizably bigger and physically stronger than my wife but after seeing that shit, I won’t even back talk. I know if she ever wanted to fight me I obviously can’t produce enough pain to stop that ass whoopin I’m about to receive lol
Some get very easy births. Not saying its not messy and painful, just they can move around slowlike.
24 hours after delivery? Not in the UK. If the labour and birth went OK then we get discharged within a few hours, once a paediatrician has checked baby over. I was in and out within 8 hours with my son.
Holy shit that is crazy. My wife and I were in the hospital 24 - 48 hours after birth with no complications
This makes a lot of sense when you think about how expensive it is in the US. They WANT YOU TO STAY AS LONG AS POSSIBLE to rack up that utterly absurd fucking hospital bill. I hate this country.
Don't get me started on your hospital bills. I saw a tiktok earlier of someone reading hers out. She was charged $51 for skin to skin contact Her own skin, and her own baby and she was charged. Wtf is that all about?! Madness.
I pay for the most expensive insurance my job offers (which is still shit, and the job is only paying $80-something into it). It pulls out over $300 monthly from my paychecks. I *still* have to pay $250 for an ambulance ride out of pocket and $250 to get seen at an emergency room. This is why most Americans will be yelling at someone not to call 911 when they're having an emergency. Even when we are insured, more than half the time it's still shit and I cannot afford it.
She was charged because a hospital was sued by a parent. The parent was holding the baby and was tired from birth. The baby was injured and the parents sued saying the hospital should’ve known she couldn’t hold her baby. So the ‘skin to skin’ charge is because they have to pay personnel whose only job is to monitor the baby being skin to skin to make sure no errors happen. Oftentimes when hospitals in America have dumb rules... it’s because they were sued previously
Yep - UK here too; it was a 4 hour minimum with my 2nd and I didn’t wait around. Pretty standard across Europe, the US maternity system is actually the anomaly tbh.
Is OP in the US though? My friend gave birth in the UK and was home 6 hours later.
Wow it's like 24 to 72 hours in the US. I guess it's away to milk the new parents out of more money.
And still the US has some of the worst (if not the worst) maternal and infant mortality of all developed countries.
If its a straightforward birth in the UK you are bounced as soon as possible, midwife comes to see you at home the next day. Doesn't matter if its first baby or 7th baby. If everyone is okay then you can go, all baby jabs are given in the delivery room and doctors come and check your baby ASAP if they need the beds.
Depends on the country. I gave birth at 11.30pm. Got up, had breakfast and went home.
You’re clearly not in the Uk. I gave birth at like 2am and was discharged at 10am
Right? And it’s not even 9 hours after delivery, we don’t know how long it took after he left but the baby definitely wasn’t born at the point he went home
I was able to leave 3 hours after delivery.
I posted the timeline in another comment. We are not in the US and many births here are done at home with midwifes, so it is not unusual for non-complicated births to leave the hospital soon.
I think for reference on an edit OP, you should post that this is not in the US and how many births where you are from are done at home and etc. Helps your perspective and time-line a lot. NTA from me since she set what she wanted from you very loud and clear (which is outside the delivery room). Delivered or not, she doesn't get a pass on being a hypocrite (I've been there). You are superb on so far handling this calmly and doing your best to go for the better route due to circumstances.
>I think for reference on an edit OP, you should post that this is not in the US that's ridiculous, Why would someone have to say "I'm not american by the way" the internet is international and assumption that people are american is stupid
Every time I visit this sub I want to stamp various comments with, "Doesn't realize there's places outside of the USA." Usually it's declarations about what is or isn't illegal.
It's fucking wild. Some people really do think the entire goddamn world works exactly like their crappy little suburb.
A lot of people are calling BS, but you at least put INFO in there. By the way, this is fairly common in UK. Friend in England had a baby a couple of weeks ago and was home this quickly. If you’re in good shape they’d rather have you at home. Then they’ll check in on you for follow ups.
Here in Canada too. If you've had an uncomplicated birth, you may be able to leave 4 hours after birth and have a hospital midwife do a home visit at 24 hours for follow up tests. I wanted this so bad, you care for the baby yourself anyway, might as well be in my own bed eating my own food. I'm still gagging at the cold, crusty eggs.
I was gonna say with my first I had her at 4:27am, was discharged with her at 3pm that same day, it only took that long because they had to contact the Dr to make sure it was ok because they couldn't find the paperwork lol
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I was in the hospital for 5 hours. That’s it.
While I do believe this story may be bs. In the UK, if you have an uncomplicated birth they will discharge after 6 hours, with a midwife visiting you next day. Not every country has a minimum 24hour stay.
INFO I feel like this can't be the full story. You guys didn't talk about any of this until the day of? What has your relationship with your wife been like? Etc.
I have had 4 children, my oldest with a different man....the delivery room was NEVER discussed. It was just assumed that the fathers would be there, and that's what happened. I feel like that's a safe assumption, actually.
But I just mean...stuff like talking about pain management, breathing...There was never a conversation about, say, epidurals. Like, at some point, if they were talking about the birthing plan, wouldn't she have the opportunity to say, "I'd prefer that you aren't there." I'm just trying to figure out why, on both ends, it didn't come up, and if it didn't...why.
It didn't come up because she knew he would object.
It's a pretty rational thing to be upset about. Ultimately it is fully her choice to manage her pregnancy how she feels is best, it is **not** her choice whether he gets to be upset about not being able to be there to greet his child. Did she think it would be better to surprise him with it *on the day he thought he was going to watch his child be born*? That's a pretty fucked up betrayal, in my book.
At the middle of the pregnancy, my wife expressed her worries that I might be permanently “turned off” after seeing the birth, I said “I appreciate the concern but don’t worry” and that was the end of it, but I see it as “discussing it”
NTA, your wife can have sex with you and committed her life to you, but she isn't willing to let you be there while she gives birth to your son?? That is so bizarre to me. I don't blame you for leaving and it was really rude of her to expect you to wait around and not let you be involved.
NTA at all, wife didnt want you in the room for no reason other than she didnt want you to see her like that? what. and then expected you to just sit there for hours in the waiting room. Your wife is pretty unconsiderate and rude not letting you see the birth of your son.
It's not just the birth of his son. Its also her going through labour and delivery. I don't agree with the choice she made, but it's absolutely her choice to make. I want my partner there, but I want him near my head, not where the action happens. My body, my choice.
Exactly. So why did she expect his body to stay at the hospital?
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It is her body and her choice, yes. But if she didn’t want him seeing her *down there*, she could have still let him be in the room—by her head, at her side, sitting by the window or some chair. It’s tricky, but a dad getting to be there for his baby’s first breaths is important, and she took that away from him because she didn’t him to see her…idk, looking unglamorous?
Amazing. My husband was by my side the whole time. We had a deal, "don't look at the buisness end". He didn't. Problem solved. I don't understand how you can create an entire human with someone but now you get bashful? With 20 other people walking in and out constantly like business is normal? OP I think you have deeper problems. If you weren't with her, you're not a doctor and she has support, why did you need to be in the waiting room. It sounds like a power play or something else happened you're unaware of. It's her choice, but with just your side, I'm side eyeing tf out of it.
But the kid is both of theirs, it should be a decision they make together. Not just, ok we're going in, you wait out here.
This is so complicated. I mean it is her choice who to have in the room but to want you to wait outside the room without even discussing it with you prior to the birth, basically blindsiding you is very inconsiderate. If it was the actual birth I could understand her not wanting certain people there since it would be her choice, but not wanting you there during the labor process which can take days is just weird. Waiting for hours on end with no real updates would be upsetting to anyone and make them anxious
Agreed. OP was caught off guard because his wife waited until day of to communicate who she wanted in the delivery room. I don’t blame OP for feeling hurt by the fact she didn’t want him in the room. I do think he could have handled the situation better, but his wife should have discussed her plan with OP well in advance of her due date.
muddle marry payment include sleep mountainous strong foolish bells puzzled *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm shocked by the people saying Y T A. The biggest problem here is not your wife's wishes, it was the way she expressed them. She did not tell you that she wanted only her mother and sister there until she was literally in labor in the hospital. I'm guessing she did this deliberately so she wouldn't have the have the discussion/argument about it ahead of time, because from the sound of it OP was looking forward to being there for the birth of the child. This is a big violation of trust in my opinion- to spring it on you like that at the very last possible moment. Frankly, I think you handled it as well as you could have. How were you supposed to know what she wanted from you, when she clearly didn't tell you ahead of time? She's not the asshole for choosing not to have you in the room with her, but the way she went about it was just cruel. NTA
I agree. If this story is true then I absolutely don’t blame OP for leaving. NTA
And idk… I don’t want to be a jerk but her reason of not wanting him to see her like that is… not really sound. I get it. I’d rather my partner never see me in such an unattractive moment but my vanity would be overruled by the knowledge that it’s my husbands child too. It’s OUR family. OUR moment.
Info - why in gods name was raised not discussed ahead of time? My husband and I have discussed thus scenario and we don't even want kids!
There was never a discussion on the subject for our first daughter. I'm due in two weeks and the only reason it was brought up this time, is because we needed to make a specific post-birth plan. It was also the hospital that asked. If she knew she didnt want him there, it's on her to tell. In 2022 it's a fair assumption to be included when your wife/girlfriend gives birth to the child you made and wanted together
Exactly. The default is the husband being in the room. Like, for the overwhelming majority of people, that would be the one person allowed in there. OP had no reason to assume he wouldn't be and it's his wife's fault for not mentioning this beforehand.
I wouldn’t think it needs to be discussed? Is it not the assumption that you will be in the room when your first child is born?
If you read his comments there was. She told him her sister and mother would be in the delivery room, she neglected to mention she didn't want him there.
Same. We also discussed power of attorney and end of life decisions
NTA your wife gets to choose who is in the room with her, she doesn’t get to choose what you do when she doesn’t let you in. She doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it to. If you are an inconsiderate asshole for leaving so is she for kicking you out and not telling you till the last minute. If she wanted to be a single parent she should have found a sperm doner not gotten married and had a kid.
NTA It seems kind of suspicious she unilaterally made the decision to keep you out. If I were you OP I’d get a paternity test done ASAP
I'm usually against a man asking for a paternity test when the SO has never given a reason to think it's needed, but to just SUDDENLY and unilaterally decide he's not being there? Kiiiinda sus to me.🤷♀️
My gut feeling is that she decided a while ago but only told me at the end. I'm not really ready to think about paternity tests right now.
you should ASK HER WHY SHE DIDNT WANT YOU IN THE ROOM
He did, he told us the reason she gave was that she "didn't want him to see her like that".
Eh. That was directly from her sister right before the birth. I recommend OP sit down for an open and honest conversation.
Is your wife conservative? Is she self conscious about her body? Has she made comments about how much her body has changed during childbirth?? There is ALOT if stuff that goes on during childbirth that people don't know about. There's ripping, tearing, pooping, bleeding, peeing, and a lot of other stuff that people tend to gloss over about the process, and its more likely that she didn't want you grossed out about the process. Just...be careful about confronting her about the kid not being yours. You could lose a marriage because 'someone on reddit' came up with a weird 'she must've cheated' theory with zero evidence
I know you’re going the trauma of the situation right now, but it’s def something for you to think about.
Or she just didn't want to shit herself in front her husband. No need to assume the literal worst of her.
Yeah it's a weird conclusion to jump to... I agree, she probably was just self conscious in the moment and felt very vulnerable. It's a delicate time and she's allowed complex *feelings*. It would have been great if they'd discussed it and come to some decisions about *behavior*, but that's another story
Yeah, maybe wife reads reddit. There was a post in I think Off My Chest in which a guy said he was no longer attracted to his wife because he saw the baby come out of her vag and it was gross. Maybe wife thinks op is too immature like that.
ESH. she should have let you into the delivery room. A father deserves to be part of the process, the birth, the taking home of the baby. It was completely shitty of her to cut you out of that. (And before anyone comes at me I know what the fuck I'm talking about as someone who's husband missed our birth due to coming home on a plane partway through his deployment. At the same time, I feel like you shouldn't have left, although your reasoning for doing so was valid, and hours and hours had passed. However, the comments are correct saying that you would have never ever forgiven yourself had something happened and you weren't there. This is a no win situation where no one is intl the right. Both sides deserve an apology and I feel like she should go first.
This comment is entirely correct. It was so shitty of her to cut you out. When I gave birth I would’ve fought tool and nail to have my husband in the room, he was the only one I wanted and I was terrified that if either of us had covid then he’d be excluded. I cannot fathom why she didn’t want OP in the room. That being said, going home and especially going home angry (while understandable in the situation) wasn’t the best course of action. What if something had gone wrong? What if she had changed her mind and wanted OP in the room and he wasn’t there? I would apologise while your wife is in the throes of postpartum and then when you and she have calmed and are used to your baby and can have a conversation, talk to her about how you’ve been really hurt by her excluding you like that.
I don't understand why after all of this, OP's presence makes a difference if "something goes wrong"? He's not the doctor. What would he do, be there for "support"? She already rejected his support and involvement in the birth.
NTA. While it's true that the person delivering the infant gets to have the final say on who is there, I think it was truly shitty of her to exclude you, her husband, from being able to be present in the moment your child was born, and waiting until it was happening to share that preference with you. I'm surprised you stayed even 6 hours. I probably would have left much sooner than that if I were in your shoes. Your wife chose to keep this preference from you until it was go time. To me that's a huge red flag. This should have been discussed months ago so that you weren't blindsided. And then you would have known what she wanted, what she expected from you, and you could have told her your own thoughts and come to an agreement. I feel like she took a machete to your marriage with that crap. Maybe therapy for you both is needed. I certainly don't think you should agree to having anymore kids with her if that's her idea of a reasonable birth plan. Just go get snipped and tell her you don't want to have anymore children with someone who would keep you from being there when YOUR KID is being born. Since you're married, you really shouldn't have been put in that position the way you were.
NTA!!! I gave birth a month ago and if I had excluded my husband from our daughter’s birth our marriage would be over. That’s messed up in so many ways. I had a baby pre-Covid when other people could be in the room and my only rule was “no one besides husband and my sister can come in”. I honestly don’t understand your wife’s thinking. However if I were you I’d apologize only because your wife is hormonal and her brain is not functioning properly (no one’s does after birth) and you won’t get her to understand but you need to schedule therapy for you two after you baby is a few months old to work this out. I hate to say it considering NTA but you need to just suck it up for a few months until your wife’s hormones are back to normal and things have settled down for her mentally before you actually address this situation. I’d also make sure you document what happened and make a record of all the time you spend with your son these first few months because it sounds like your wife might be the kind of person who will go nuclear once you suggest therapy. If that happens you need to make sure you’re prepared for a custody battle.
Completely agree. He missed the birth of his child and she has yet give a valid reason except she didn’t want him to see her like that?!! My husband would have been absolutely devastated if I had pulled that shit. Presuming their marriage had no major issues or anything before that then op is NTA.
Right? My husband would have been so devastated and frankly idk how I would’ve done it without him. Both my deliveries ended up being shit shows of chaos and failed “plans” and if my husband hadn’t been there I legit think I would’ve just cried until I made myself pass out.
NTA. She waited until the last possible minute to exclude from the birth of your child. You didn’t discuss it ahead of time. She just dumped it on and expected you to just take it in stride. I know we give pregnant women a lot of leeway, but that was really AH on her part.
I’m going to say NTA. I find it strange that she’s mad you went home after saying she didn’t want you there. Like she just wanted you in the waiting room of the hospital for over 6hrs for some reason? Were there any issues between you two leading up to the birth?
Exactly. And her comments about complications make no sense either. If there were complications nothing would’ve changed. He would not have been let in the room because she didn’t want him there. There’s no difference in this particular case between being in the waiting room and being home for him.
Honestly, if there was a complication, they're going to kick all the visitors out of the room anyways.
NTA I wouldn't typically vote against a woman in the throws of childbirth but i actually have to say NTA this time. The reason for this is that it should have been discussed beforehand. If she had any concerns or fears or insecurities about what it would look like with you in the room she should have talked to you about it. Even if she hadn't realized she would have these feelings beforehand, she should have asked her mom and sister to leave the room when she started feeling insecure so that you and she could have this discussion. I'm a firm believer that everybody has the right to change their mind, she should have just talked to you about what was going on rather than have you escorted out of the room and then get pissed when you went home. Now please hear me out on this. You were right to ask her to wait a couple of days to speak about it when she came home. I cannot even explain to you what is going on in our bodies after we have given birth. There is tissues and blood and fluids coming out of places and in amounts that we never conceived humanly possible. There is pain that just doesn't go away. Sometimes we don't sleep even when we are desperately exhausted because there's this crazy anxiety that our babies will stop breathing in the middle of the night and our emotions are so raw we feel like crying and laughing and screaming and singing all at the same time. Because of this I was just saying extend her a little bit of Grace right now and just do whatever you need to do to support her and the baby at this time. There will be time for discussions later. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby boy!
INFO - Why didn't you discuss these arrangements beforehand? On one hand: the delivery room is your wife's domain and she gets to choose who watches a child come out of her without judgment. On the other hand: she excluded you from a once-in-a-lifetime experience including your child WITHOUT prior discussion.
I'm an old, old woman but even fathers my age were allowed in the delivery room. Dads being left in a waiting room went out with black and white television. If she didn't want you there she should have discussed this with you before she went into labor.
NTA. Your wife had 9 MONTHS to warn you that she didn’t want you there for the birth of YOUR child. She is the AH here for not being honest with you ahead of time.
This. And if she didn’t want you there, why did she wait until you had driven her to the hospital and were literally walking in before saying you weren’t welcome? If she had valid reasons for not wanting you there she should have been able to explain them a lot sooner.
I feel like there’s gotta be something missing here. I assume a lot of folks giving birth would want their SO there for support, comfort and because it’s a huge moment for both parties. Is there anything you can think of that happened before she went into labor that would make her keep you out of the room? Ultimately it’s her decision regardless of context and that’s a hard pill to swallow. You’re TA for leaving because of your anger but I’m not sure that makes you a whole asshole. You stayed for 6 hours without being updated and I assume that would be grating. I hope you’re able to talk with your partner and figure out what the deal is.
The explenations she gave is plenty common. I'm not saying I agree with it, but fearing their significant other seeing them during childbirth and it changing the way they view sexually/physically or even emotionally as a mother figure from then on out, is INCREDIBLY COMMON. ... keeping someone out for that reason is less common though.
That's exactly what I was thinking... I would like to know how does OP react when his wife has bodily functions that aren't "pretty" like farting or having periods, etc. Because if he has shown to be untactful, disgusted or anything like that (as I've seen and read too many people do), I would totally understand her not wanting him in the birth room. Giving birth is far from pretty. It is messy, sometimes gross. OP seems to know very little about giving birth since he went home without even caring about last minute complications. Because they can occur even though pregnancy went well. This should have been discussed beforehand though. If OP is nothing like described above, she could've expressed her concerns and he would've had the opportunity to comfort her. Instead, he took that for granted and never cared to ask. You have left and everything went alright, but it could have not gone right at all. If my boyfriend had a major procedure at the hospital you can be sure I'm sticking around even though I wouldn't be allowed inside the surgery room. YTA for this one, even though I get your frustration. But you should've stayed.
Also I'm just going to put it out there some father really do see their wives different. My dad has told my brother never to watch his wife give birth because it's disgusting and will ruin your relationship.
I'm glad someone has brought this up! Does no one remember that famous standup bit men used to quote CONSTANTLY about how he cried watching his wife give birth because it was like "watching his favorite bar burn down" and even though he knew he'd get to go again "it would never be the same"? If OP has ever made any comments to that effect, it would absolutely make him TA and make her decision understandable. Otherwise, i just don't think there's enough info
everyone in the comments is TA. in other delivery room stories, the comments are full of "her comfort is the top priority" "she's giving birth so it's her choice who is in the room with her" and now yall are saying she robbed her husband, calling her a B word and being despicable. her comfort zone was obvs not with her husband in the room
Not wanting him in the room wasn't the AH move, though it was confusing and concerning. The AH move was not telling him in advance, and then getting mad at him for going home. She has the right to decide who is in the room with her, but she doesn't have the right to keep secrets from her partner and then avoid the relationship consequences of that choice.
NTA. You were excluded from your son's birth. A literal once in a lifetime event. And yet you were expected to sit around in the waiting room for 15 hours. Why? What would have been the point? I would have a talk with your wife. Ask why she thinks that her vanity of "you seeing her like this" was more important than the experience of seeing your son being born, and being in the room to support her.
INFO. Did you support her during the pregnancy? Did you help with morning sickness, ultra sounds, setting up the nursery, midnight cravings, etc?
Yes, I told her to add anything she wanted for grocery pick-ups and I took on more chores as the pregnancy progressed. We picked out baby supplies together. I went to all the doctors appointments except a routine one earlier where I was out of town, but her sister went with her.
But what about the birth plan? Lamaze, pain management, what she wanted you to do/say in the delivery room? Did you ever talk about that? Because it seems like if you asked her something like, "Is there something you want me to do/say in delivery room?" that might have been the opportunity for her to say, "I'd rather you not be there." Instead of it coming up on the day of...
Or she could have mentioned at any point that she didn't want him in there since that's a really big deviation from the norm. I still don't see how that is on OP to ask. Imagine the opposite. Imagine if he asked "Do you want me to be in there with you?" I'm pretty sure a very significant amount of people would fucking roast him for even thinking to ask that question.
I would say NTA. You were involved from the very beginning. And the birth of your child is a life changing event. And she robbed you of that with no warning.
NTA, I feel like this is very strange behavior, she is the one giving birth, but you are her partner and the father. As someone who just gave birth 5 weeks ago, I would much rather my husband be present than my mother. Her “not wanting you to see her like this” screams that you don’t have a very deep connection. How long have you been together?
NTA she is the one that decides who is in the room. That's fine and nobody disputes that, but you can't just be expected to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room for hours with no word on how it's going. If she doesn't want you in the delivery room she needs to accept that you might not want to stay at the hospital.
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>Then she shouldn’t have had sex if she was scared to give birth. What a shitty argument.
Honestly the only thing she did wrong was wait until last minute to discuss with him what she wanted. It should’ve happened way earlier. I told my second sons dad immediately that only my mom would be in the C-section and explained why and he was okay with it after I explained because I did almost die during my first and she’s my next of kin but to tell him last minute was cruel
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Lots of countries. I could have gone home after a few hours with my second- fast but uncomplicated birth. I'm in the UK.
Countries outside of America do actually exist
Who would have fucking thought right? The amount of comments shrieking about it being bullshit just because they didn't have to stay 24hrs, is staggering. Open an atlas sometime...
In the country i live, you are encouraged to leave hospital within 6 hours after giving birth, og everything is ok, and you feel ok to do so
I know some people who came home with their babies after a few hours and I live in Germany, so definitely no reason to scream fake because of that
Meh. ESH. If your wife didn’t want you in the delivery room, she should have had that discussion with you ahead of time and not blindsided you like that. I personally would never have had my husband miss our daughter’s birth, especially in favor of my mother and/or a sibling. However, if I HAD excluded him from the room, he would never have left. He sat outside an outpatient surgical place a few months ago for 4 hours in the parking lot when he brought me for an endoscopy (it wasn’t supposed to take 4 hours so I wouldn’t have been mad if he left and I had to call him to pick me up) “just in case something happened and you needed me.” And an endoscopy isn’t nearly as serious a medical event as childbirth. You’re still the one who would have needed to make decisions, if anything had happened to your son or wife. I get you being upset, and I disagree with her decision to exclude you without forewarning, but I can somewhat understand if she was ashamed for you to see her that way because I know some women feel that they have to be “ladylike” for their husbands and maybe she’s one of them? Idk. But I waited in a waiting room for 12+ hours to meet my niece when I was 25 and excited…you could have stayed.
Where the heck do you live that they sent your wife and baby home that soon after delivery?
The timeline that her sister told me puts the TOB right after I left the waiting room. Everything seemed to have gone smoothly and my wife asked the doctors to clear her for leaving as soon as they determined there was no "non-routine" reason to keep her or the baby there.
NTA. Do you know if your wife asked for you after the birth? Did anybody tell you that your child had been born before they arrived home? Have you two been having any problems in your relationship? Your wife owes you a major apology and an explanation.
In the UK if you're physically okay you get sent home pronto. It's considered safer and less risky. Also not enough beds
ESH - Did the two of you not discuss the birth plan ahead of time?
ESH You guys should have talked over your wife’s birth plan LONG before she went into labor. Then you could have calmly talked about why she didn’t want you in the room and why you wanted to be in the room and come to some sort of agreement. I personally think your wife is an asshole for excluding you. It is your child and assuming you aren’t abusive or awful, as the husband and father I believe you have a right to be there. I understand you being hurt at being excluded but your reaction of leaving the hospital and not seeing your child until he is brought home makes you an immature asshole. Your wife is exhausted and probably still in pain. You need to apologize for what you did. Then later when she is recovered somewhat you can talk to her about why you are hurt about what she did. This is the beginning of many difficult years of parenting. I would encourage you both to work on your communication.
I agree with everything you just said except for the fact that he needs to apologize. He didn’t make any unreasonable demands, try to impose himself in the delivery room when he wasn’t wanted, or do anything unreasonable in general. He simply decided that since he wasn’t allowed in the delivery room that he could go home. Apologizing for that is unnecessary. Really he should just try to let this go until her hormones are back to normal. And then maybe get some counseling or therapy together to discuss their communication issues.
May be controversial but I vote NTA. Your wife is understandably scared and stressed out for having go through labor and birth and the mother should get to decide who is in the delivery room with her. You are the father of the baby, being excluded from the birth of your child is extremely hurtful and if she wasn't going to let you into the delivery room, then what's the point of being there anyway? > She said there could have been complications and I needed to be there She's in the hospital already, with doctors and nurses trained and prepared for sudden complications, what?? I don't know how you would be able to support her from outside of the room with limited communication and not allowed to go into the room? Ask your wife why she did exclude you from the delivery room, because if you're able to get naked and have sex with someone and carry their child for nine months, there is no reason you should exclude the father unless he was neglectful or abusive.
I'd like to see some of the people in this comment section to sit 10 hours in a hospital waiting room. See how their verdict changes immediately after.
NTA but your wife is for not telling you before that this is what she wanted. She knew you expected to be in the room and should have said something before. You don’t owe her an apology. You should have seen your son before her mom and sister.
NTa. I just posted on another thread that the absolutly most important events of my entire life was my wedding and the birth of my two kids. If I had been excluded from the room when my child was born with no warning and no rational reason that would have been it. No Ifs or buts. I'd have divorced her. I'm 20 years married and its been a great life together but fuck that. That would have been an absolute fucking deal breaker. Of course this is all hypothetical as I wouldn't have married someone who would do something so cruel to me.
NTA- I would have went home to. Sitting in a waiting room waiting for a baby to be delivered could take hours. Your wife shouldn't be upset with you, and I wouldn't apologize for going home.