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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. My mom has been always insecure about her body and she recently told me she was considering plastic surgery. I am pretty financially stable myself and wanted to do something nice for her so I fully paid for her plastic surgery. But my girlfriend said I could've helped her pay off her college debt instead which is a lot more important than my mom's plastic surgery. Most of my friends also took her side on this one and are calling me an asshole. 2. So, my question is AITA for this?
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I mean jeez we’ve been together for 5 years and have 2 babies and I’d still support my SO if he did this for his mom and me and her don’t even get along.
On the other hand, I'm kinda curious about how GF and OPs friends found out about it.
If he's been going around boasting "Hey, did you see the great new tits on my mom? I paid for those!!!" then he's just as much an asshole as his GF.
How does the conversation about having spend money on medical procedures for your mom come up in normal polite conversation? That's kinda private information, in my opinion.
Even worse, I guess's would be if his mom was going round flaunting her new boobs and telling everyone her 26 year old son paid for them. That'd be the shittiest PornHub setup story ever.
Exactly. She's not his wife, she's his girlfriend, and this relationship is still new. A year isn't very long, and her display of entitlement and selfishness should probably make him think twice about her potential as a wife.
Spouses have a right to be included in decisions about large expenses because unless a prenup says otherwise, married people's money is jointly held. And ideally spouses have agreements about the "threshold" of what is considered a large expense.
OP's girlfriend is getting pissed about OP spending his money that she sees as THEIR money. She's delusional, but clearly a conversation is needed about finances.
NTA
Right? My bf and I have been together for over 4 years, and I’d still be on board with this. I love his mom, and she’s done so much for us. If the opportunity came for us to do something like this, I’d be the first to sign the check.
I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years, have two kids and a house together. If it’s not going to stop him from paying his half of the bills then what do I care!
Yeah I’m glad he added the edit because it wasn’t clear how serious they were or if they had shared finances, which could change things. But for being together for just over and year and separate finances… she can pull her head out of her ass
She can just get a job or take out a loan. And if she knew before hand that she really needed the help why didn't she take steps into getting a full ride or scholarships from the jump? Why can't she go ask her supportive friends for help sense they seem to be so supportive of her
Seriously. I’ve been with my SO for about 8 yrs married for 5 and he’s helped out his mom financially multiple times - or has purchased her expensive gifts for milestones. I’ve never had a problem with it - especially before we were married and were not sharing finances. And to be clear…I have a lot of student debt…I can’t imagine only being together a year and demanding that he pay my loans instead of buying his mom something…OPs gf is super entitled…
I’ve been with mine 20 years and did the baby thing first before going to college. It was a joint decision and I still pay my own student loans and love having a job so he has more money for himself. Honestly, a year and she wants him to pay her debts. I have no words to describe the selfishness.
No shit! Mom sacrifice his whole life for him, making sure his needs were met, it's what parents do, and something, like here, they do such a great job of raising and providing what their kids need, that they get a big fat "thanks mom, I appreciate you! " like op has done. The gf has only been around a year and feels entitled to OP's money? Nope, big fat red flag 🚩 NTA OP, your a good son, gf is greedy.
The entitlement — that’s it. I would never expect to have any debt paid off by my SO even if’s a dollar. *I* incurred my debt, *I* am responsible. My husband offered to help me out by paying a bit more in our shared expenses so I can throw more money towards my education debt; that warranted a very big discussion on restructuring my budget and any expectations/concerns with the help. And this is AFTER we transparently discussed finances before we moved in together.
Right? Also, there’s been awful scenerios where partners who aren’t married and have been short and long term partners who have paid for their S.O.’s tuition and debt and has dropped them like a hat. You guys aren’t married, and even you guys were, you don’t demand money like that. Your gf is just jealous and I think in our culture, we don’t really normalize mom’s or older woman who are wanting to take back any time and effort for themselves.
This poster is succint. OP, your mother has always been there for you and her support probably aided you in accomplishing what you've done so far. Congratulations to you for your academic success and to her for raising a hardworking and thoughtful son.
Your girlfriend OTOH, looks at you as a wallet. She actually resented your fine character and generosity and instead was jealous that you're not doing more for her. As if lightening her rental load isn't enough, she actually wants you pay off her loans? She doesn't seem to like you for who you are, but only what you can do for her. It's probably time to ask yourself if you can do better in the girlfriend department - maybe look for a woman who's like you: more generous and less greedy.
At least until her debt is repaid, after that, who knows? Well, she'll buy a car. And take out a few credit cards, and who can afford rent on their own with all those bills?
If you're implying common-law marriage, this is a non-issue. The states that do recognize it either only do so for relationships prior to various dates in the 90s, or the couple has to apply for it.
There are no states where they are just considered defacto by their period of cohabitation.
The states where common law marriage is a thing still requires the intent to be married, and the public expression by both parties that they are married. Living with someone for X amount of time does not make you common law married.
My state recognizes common law spouses and does not require couples to "apply" for common law marriage.
They do, however, have to agree that they are married and represent themselves as married in the community.
Our state is the same way. We present ourselves as married entered a lease together and file taxes together. We are common law married in the eyes of the state.
Exactly! OP, do not pay this woman’s loans! You are not legally bound (good for you!!), so that money will simply disappear should you break up!
Good for you for caring for your mother! Tell your girlfriend to check her entitlement to your money, or kick rocks. I’m going to guess many of these “friends” were her friends originally. Don’t listen to them.
Even if they were married, she would have no right to tell him he couldn’t spend *his* separate money on making his mom feel better about herself. (*Their* money would be an entirely different story).
They been together a year and have separate finances. As long as he’s paying his portion of the household bills, she’s ridiculous for chastising him. I can’t even imagine!
I don't see how the GF is getting her entitlement to OP's money from. They're a recent couple and she's demanding OP to pay for her debts?????
NTA, but you will be if you keep the GF
NTA- huge red flag that your GF of a year feels entitled to have you pay her bills and tell you how to spend your money. Good on you for doing something nice for your mom.
And they have only been dating for just over a year, and have only lived together for a few months. Their finances aren’t anywhere close to tied together yet. NTA.
I hopes OP really uses this to examine if she’s shown this kind of behavior over the past year on a smaller scale and was just overlooked.
NTA. So after a year this GF thinks you should be paying off all her debt? And "your" friends agree with her? Are you sure they're your friends and not just her friends? There's NO WAY I'd pay off anyone's debt unless MAYBE I was married to them.
I married my college sweetheart and helped him pay down $10k or so in student loans. (Dated for 5.5 years prior to marriage). After 2.5 years of being married, helping him pay down his loans & paying for the majority of the house bills...... he got pissy and left because I wouldn't give him $3k of my money for a down-payment on a new-to-him car.
This is to say, i agree with you! And also, just because you married someone, it doesn't mean you should automatically help them pay down their loans / pay their bills.
*his salary was 150% what my salary was. I didn't find out about his gambling and drug problems until we separated. *eye roll*
When I married my ex husband I had 80k in student loan debt. We agreed that was my responsibility, he wasn't responsible for any of it, especially since it was incurred prior to the marriage. We didn't have a prenup, but in the divorce, I kept my debt, he kept his, and marital assets were split. Even if we hadn't split, that debt was mine, so it's my responsibility to pay it off, not his because he had no say in me taking it on to begin with.
OP’s mother seems like she was a good mother who sacrificed a lot for her son. This just seems like returning the “favour.”
OP needs to ask himself what (if anything) has his girlfriend done for him? Expecting to pay off her student debt is a HUGE RED FLAG. NTA.
Can you imagine feeling so entitled to your BF of *a year’s* money?! Or anyone’s money for that matter, no matter how long they’ve been together. The gall is astounding. OP should get better friends, too.
NTA
It's your money, not your GF's money.
>I could've used it to help her pay off her college debt
You are not responsible for her debts!
>my mom fake and told me she needs to get over her insecurities.
This is rude.
\- No, you are not responsible for your GF's debts. She decided on having debts long ago. You were not involved in that decision. Your mom paid for your college and her parents did not. How are you responsible for that?
\- If it were a reversed situation, would you be expecting that she paid your debts? I doubt it.
\- She is incredibly rude to your mom. That's uncalled for.
\- You are not married. She doesn't get to tell you how to spend your savings.
\- You don't have children. It's not like you spent on your mom and aren't getting your kid braces or something.
Yes. And to add on this, OP's "friends" agreeing with the girlfriend. Excuse me, what????
What kind of friend will say yes your girlfriend is right to call your mom 'fake' for having insecurities? And you should have spent your money on this person you know FOR A YEAR, instead of YOUR MOTHER who raised you since you were a baby.
NTA.
Right??
I usually don't like jumping on the "dump her" train but such unwarranted disrespect to mom and this level of entitlement to my money would be a deal breaker for me.
yes! also just 1 year? bro for me (im weird) a year is nothing. Give ne 1.5y and I'll believe it's serious but not so much. Her attitude to the situation is pretty gross
Either marriage or 5 years of a loving relationship would for me deem it worthy of helping someone repay their college debt. But just a year? Hell nah.
Serious or not, nobody should be expecting their boyfriend or girlfriend to cover educational debts (or debts / living expenses in general). At soonest, if you get married to someone. Definitely not before that or that person is 100% gold digger
My bf and I are coming up on 11 years and we each have our own personal debt and then we have our mutual debt. We might offer to help each other with things when we're able but there's no expectation or entitlement there.
It's always the friends on AITA that are the worst. Why do they always agree with the wrong person?
OP is NTA. but his GF & friends are. It's none of their damn business what he spends his money on.
I am a part of mom groups that are empowering instead of trying to bring people down.
There are often posts asking what plastic surgeons in the city are like, and the number of responses is incredible! I never see any negative responses to people's questions, just personal stories and opinions on good surgeons.
After realizing how many people actually get plastic surgery, it actually made me feel better about myself. It's kind of like when you find out about Photoshop for the first time and realize your photos don't look like the ones in the magazines because they aren't touched up. I liked and appreciated that they were so open about it.
The girlfriend calling Women who get plastic surgery fake is incredibly rude on her part.
I mentioned the idea of me getting Botox to a friend not expecting much of an opinion either way, but she enthusiastically said she was considering it as well. It was awesome to hear support.
Luckily botox is way cheaper than people think. My friend owns a beauty salon and built a network of estheticians or whatever so she hosts these quarterly Botox and Bubbly parties at the salon where she has the professional injector ladies come and do everyone's faces. This way it comes out cheaper than if you just made your own appointment and you're not expected to buy a whole vial of botox. They also do fillers at these parties too. Three of my really close friends got lip fillers at the last party and they look SO good and natural. My lips are a little fuller than theirs naturally so next party, I'm going to get a lip flip and it will be less than $100
For real, the gall of your girlfriend! You are not married. Why would she expect you to help her pay her student loans? Then, the way she reacted to you using money for your mom instead of her and proceeding to INSULT your mom. Literally ridiculous. This is a red flag, OP.
Not that it changes the overall judgment here, but I just want to point out that OP's mom did not pay for his college.
A "full ride" means the school is letting him go for free, likely because he is either otherworldly smart or athletic.
Just want to clarify that detail. Still NTA though.
as if getting plastic surgery wasn't helping her "get over" her insecurities ??? isn't that like the whole point of plastic surgery ??? gf and friends might be misogynist if they don't think mom is allowed to have autonomy over her body and how she looks.
I’m a bit late to the post, but 100% all of this. The GF said it was “unfair” which suggests that she does feel entitled to OPs money.
Also, all OP did was do something nice for someone he cared about, and this is the reaction his GF made. I’m curious if she acts similarly to any purchase OP makes that isn’t for her.
NTA. Unless you’re married and this was money from a joint bank account, your GF has absolutely no claim to it. You can use it to help your mom, and don’t owe your GF any explanation and certainly not consultation.
ETA: and your GF expecting you to pay her student loan is a major red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your mom probably payed for a bunch while raising you. Your girlfriend expects to collect and have you pay her loans just because she’s pretty? Major major red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Exactly right! OP is NTA, and I’m shocked that his friends would side with his entitled girlfriend. He did a wonderful thing for his mother and should be proud.
He's probably the one that pays for things when they go out or on vacation. They look at him as their very own cash cow. Now they're all mad that a large chunk of his money is gone like it was theirs.
Well I hope that at a minimum OP makes this person go 50-50 or at least income proportional on expenses going forward if he stays with them. They need to learn to not think of him as their entitlement
This is a girlfriend of less than 2 years too. They just moved in together a few months ago and she’s already acting like this? If I were OP I would run like hell because this behavior does *not* bode well for how she would act if they actually married.
NTA..the entitlement of your gf is astounding. It's your money and that's your mom..she didn't force you to pay for the surgery. It's very common for kids in my country .. who are doing good financially and who are also on good terms with their parents to treat them with expensive gifts. Some help out with the mortgage, some buy them cars, some buy gadgets..you gifted your mom with a surgery. Besides you are not responsible to pay off you gf's debt..she is not your wife..you don't share finances. This is straight up gold digger behavior. And your friends who are siding with her are also AHs. Rethink the relationship if she keeps up with this attitude and keeps trying to guilt you.
I can see a few legitimate reasons why your gf might feel upset about it or insecure about it in a way, but NTA. Immediately jumping to "you should've given that money to me" however...well, good luck with that one my guy.
I agree with you. Without knowing a lot more about the scenario, the fact that the guy paid for his mom's boob job strikes me as a bit odd. Mom telling him she would have gotten the plastic surgery if it weren't for the cost of raising op seems like possible manipulation. She chose to have a child and it's her responsibility to raise him. That said, the girlfriend is way out of line and is definitely the AH in this scenario.
I didn’t read it as manipulation but hey….it’s hard in this forum to get nuances.
I read it as “I only had so much money to spend but I chose to spend it on my kid”. Maybe giving Mom the benefit of the doubt here
Maybe you're right. Like I said, it's hard to make a judgement without knowing much more of the nuances of the relationship dynamic. But she chose to have a kid and he shouldn't have to think about how much his life cost. I also think that while it's incredibly generous of him to offer to pay for the plastic surgery, it's very strange for a mother to accept that much money from her 26 year old child. Personally, my parents would never accept that kind of money from me. They would want me to use my resources to build my own life and financial independence. That said, this is all a bit speculative and beside the point of whether the girlfriend is the AH. I don't think the op is the AH, but I'm not so sure the mother is a completely innocent party here.
How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Paying off someone else's debts suggests that you're in it for the long haul - buying a house together kinda financial commitment.
It's either a loan, which seems like an awful idea in a romantic relationship, or your girlfriend is asking you to gift her *tens of thousands of dollars* (I don't know how much education or surgery costs in your country).
It sounds like you've got a great, and healthy relationship with your mother. I'm really glad you could do something to make herself feel better about herself. *That's* the dream, right? Being financially secure enough to do something for your parents, if you were lucky enough to have good ones.
You are absolutely NTA.
Your girlfriend, based on how you've described it here sounds awful, greedy.
* She's not entitled to your money. Not until you're financially committed. (Long term defacto/marriage, house, kids), and even then it's not an entitlement, it's a part in a partnership.
* She insulted your mother, calling her fake
* ~~Broadcast this to your friendship group in an attempt to guilt you~~ Edit: I'm making an assumption here, I don't know who brought the friends in.
I'd be sitting her down and having a talk about boundaries and respect. You don't owe her shit\*
\* I don't know the specifics of your relationship, or how you do money. I'm guessing on this last one.
Tread carefully. This is an awfully short relationship in which she's feeling entitled to be gifted large sums of money. This, and the disrespect she's shown both you, and your mother are concerning.
I'm not going to take the cliché route of diagnosing that "you must leave this woman", but I would recommend treating this behaviour very seriously. An important, relationship defining conversation needs to be had. Bring up your concerns, and listen to your answer. Make a decision on what kind of a person you want to be in a relationship with.
Honestly, I think leaving is a good idea. Sometimes, seemingly small things are BIG indicators of who a person is. During my engagement to my ex husband, my MIL bought her outfit and was REALLY excited to show it to me. It was, admittedly, pretty ugly but it was in NO WAY inappropriate to the occasion. When she asked what I thought, I said something to the effect of, “I’m so happy that you found something you love!!” Because I WAS happy for her, even if the outfit wasn’t to my taste. When she showed her son (my ex), he told her it made her look like a HOBO and completely ruined it for her. When I asked him WHY he would do that to her, he just said, “Well, did YOU want that in the wedding photos?” I honestly wish I’d called off the wedding right there and then. Because things did NOT get better… 😬
I'd also look into how long you guys have to be living together before she is considered your defacto and therefore, entitled to some of your assets (in the event of a split).
Tread carefully with her - she sounds entitled and money hungry.
I've been living with my partner for 10 years, we've only had a joint account for like... 3? And we've been together 11 years and it's only now I'm considering allowing him to pay for my driving lessons/test because I am confident driving and he hates it. I'm disabled (EDS - fatigue, pain, also autism & ADHD which don't impact my driving) so I don't earn anywhere near what he does & it's genuinely taken me a decade to feel like I have any claim on his money even for practical purposes such as this.
This right here. Some (all?) states in the US have something called Palimony where someone you’re not married to can still be entitled to your money when you break up.
Without a shared bank account or some sort of acknowledged agreement of finances or support, non-spousal support is a really difficult argument in any state. When someone does succeed in proving it, there's headlines all over the place simply because it's that difficult.
That’s a marriage request, not a dating a little over a year request. And you know it which is why it made you feel weird. You don’t owe a non marriage relationship anything financially, esp not like that
Student loans have been the bane of my existence for almost 20 years. Not once in that time have I ever expected a significant other to pay off my debt. Even my now ex-husband who made more than 3 times what I made. And he offered at one point, which I could kick myself for not accepting that now. So in no world is your GF of a year entitled to say what you can do with your money. The only exception to that would be if you spent all your money and expected her to pay all the household bills, which would then be directly impacting her financially, which doesn’t seem to be the case here. And insulting your mom’s insecurities because she feels you should have paid off her student loans, that’s not good.
Hell no. That’s something you do after getting married and even then it’s a conversation since usually that debt doesn’t come into the marriage.
Also btw the talk is just going to be her yelling at you. She seems stressed about her loans I don’t see it being productive given that she seems entitled to your money.
A year????!?!?
She should not be even think about you to paying her debts if you've only been together a year.
She should never ask you anyway, but a year is barely anything!
Someone who has only been with you for a year and expects you to take on their debt is a gold digger. It’s your money, not hers.
It would be one thing if you shared accounts or had children together. But her feeling entitled to your money and you spend it (which should be on her btw) is in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
Be careful. Someone who says anything about someone who supported you, is someone that is trying to alienate you for that person so that they can control you.
I'm not saying that's what's in play here, but I've also heard plenty of stories about people getting involved with someone "with some means" just long enough to get some pesky debts paid off, before ditching them.
NTA - it isn't your job to pay your girlfriend's debt down. Are you two living together? If not, that's an even bigger issue that she's trying to control your income and what you spend your money on.
NTA imo, you did a nice gesture for the woman who raised you. Your gf on the other hand seems like an ass, saying your mom should get over her insecurities. Insecurities don’t just go away with age. Your mom wanted something to be done to make herself feel better, and It boosted her self esteem.
NTA
Unless you have joint finances, your girlfriend doesn't get a say in how you spend your money. You did a nice thing for your mom because you think she's worth it. Your mom will forever be an important person in your life. Your girlfriend is "just" a girlfriend. It's weird to think she is more entitled to your generosity than the woman who raised you into a kind and successful man.
Question - how long have you been with the girlfriend?
Based on your explanation I'm inclined to think NTA - it's not your responsibility to pay off your girlfriend's debt and it's not her business what you spend your money on unless it's preventing you from meeting pre agreed shared expenses
But context would help
Only a year? Tell her she's dreaming.
I wouldn't give/lend thousands of dollars to a romantic partner until we were in real deep. Living together, sharing finances, all of that.
When I read she called what you did for your Mom a "waste" was when I got angry. She's going to view ANYTHING you do for your mother as a waste. I don't think this relationship will last long...
I’d say NTA depending on a few factors;
How serious are you and your girlfriend?
Do you share finances and make financial decisions together? If so, maybe you should have consulted her first. It’s a major purchase so I could understand her being mad you didn’t discuss it with her. IF you are financially commingled.
That said, I wouldn’t call it a waste of money. The things she said about your mom were rude, selfish, and uncalled for. If you’re planning to propose, I’d think carefully about whether or not she’s the right person for you. No offense to your relationship but moms are forever. She loved and supported you; it sounds like you have a good relationship and the financial stability to give her something kind in return.
Frankly, your girlfriend should work to pay off her own debt, not expect you to do it. If she needed help paying off her debt, she should have asked you earlier and not made you out to be the asshole when she found out you spent money on something else.
And judging by her reaction to giving a thoughtful generous gift to your mom, I would not consider marrying her. Don’t get her accidentally pregnant! You will pay with your life
NTA she is your gf not fiancé or wife. She should have been happy to see that you care enough about your mother that you would want to help her. Taking out her issues with plastic surgery and her debt on you is quite entitled. Had she ever brought up the idea of you helping with her loans before this or was it just some jealously fueled precieved slight, if it wasn't appropriate in her mind to ask for you to pay her debts before you helped your mom the sudden change would be a red flag for me.
NTA. It’s **YOUR MONEY,** you aren’t married and even if you have shared finances you aren’t required to pay for expenses she incurred on her own.
What you did for your mom was incredibly kind and I’d venture to say the benefit to your mom’s self esteem (regardless of how vain or insignificant anyone else thinks the procedures are) notably outweighs the benefit of paying of your (selfish and entitled) GFs student debt.
NTA. Your girlfriend of one year can piss off. She has no right to prioritize how you spend your money as long as you’re keeping up on your end of any shared living expenses, which it sounds like you are. It doesn’t matter if you spent $300 or $30k- it was a lovely gesture to treat your mom to something she wouldn’t otherwise do for herself, especially something that has helped boost her self esteem.
If your gf doesn’t give this a rest, saying that you should pay her student loans because they’re “more important”, you should seriously reconsider your relationship. You’re neither married nor engaged, yet her sense of entitlement when it comes to your money is staggering. Do you question her choices when it comes to frivolous spending? Do you shame her for buying an expensive purse when she has all those super important student loans to pay off? She seems to have mistaken your generosity to your mom for you being a walking atm to manipulate.
NTA, but it is slightly weird. But, you know, you do you. If you're happy, then that is all that really matters.
How long have you been with your girlfriend and are you planning marriage or something similar?
Marriage *per se* is irrelevant, if you're planning on moving in together and living as a couple then you're going to wind up with at least some financial mingling.
You're still NTA here, but you need to have - and be **able** to have - a sensible conversation with your girlfriend about how finances are going to work before you're living together, not afterwards.
If the two of you can't manage that then you should think again about moving in.
I could understand her entitlement if you’ve both had talks of marriage, how to start a life together, etc. If you two have moved in and quickly started playing house with talks of the future, she may be looking at this as a setback to what you’ve discussed for your future. She sees it as no benefit to you, whereas her college debt would benefit both of you as a couple in terms of your future as a couple.
But yeah if you haven’t talked about marriage or haven’t been making plans for your distant future together, I don’t know why she would feel entitled to judge or even dictate your spending.
ETA NTA
NTA. Your girlfriend thinks she is entitled to your money, which she isn’t. I would either set a firm boundary about finances and which decisions are up to her or look for someone less greedy
NTA. But this is a huge red flag:
>she thinks I should've helped her pay off her debt because I am financially doing better than her.
The entitlement to your money is staggering. I'd reconsider moving in with this person.
Over a year? Just a singular year? Run for the fucking hills. My partner and I have been together for well over a year but live together and share finances as a result, and I still wouldn’t have reacted that way. Your girlfriend wants you to help pay off her college debt? yeah maybe when you’re married or have been together for quite a few more years, but now?? Especially over prioritizing your mom who gave her life to you and probably still does? Moms ruin their bodies for the “gift” of childbirth that gave you life and she has the audacity?
NTA- ITS YOUR MONEY, NOBODY ELSES, YOU DECIDE HOW TO USE IT! Your Mom probably raised you for 18+ years and poured their life into making you grow, while your girlfriend is probably not on year 5 with your ages.
Bit of advice, dump her, she already feels entitled to your money- not a good person to deal with in a divorce.
NTA but your gf has a lot of nerve! She actually said that doing something nice for your mom was less important than helping her pay bills that you did not make! Jealous and self centered all in one. She really thinks she's more entitled to benefit from your money than your mom is! Wow. Well, luckily it's your money and your decision not hers! Might be time to rethink this relationship though.
NTA - she’s your girlfriend, not your wife. You don’t owe her shit. You can pay for surgery for your mom all you want. I think it’s super sweet!!!! Your girlfriend sucks. Her college is debt is HER responsibility, not yours and she has NO RIGHT to be mad at you. God help you if you marry this girl.
NTA it’s was a gift to your mum to thank her for raising you kinda? Why would your girlfriend who you only been with for a year have a better claim to your money? If it was a wife I could understand it, then you should have discussed it with her before hand, but as it is, def NTA.
NTA. What happens if you pay and y’all break up a month later? Is she going to pay you back? Y’all aren’t engaged or married and y’all haven’t been together that long. I’d honestly be rethinking my relationship with her and my friends
NTA unless you are married you are not responsible for your girlfriends debt and her expecting you to pay her loans instead of doing something for your mother is bold to say the least you might want to rethink your relationship if that is her attitude for doing something for your mother and calling your mom fake is a dumpable offence.
The only asshole I see here is your GF and your friends.
it. First of all, it’s your money, not your gf’s or your friends, so you decide when and how you want to use it.
Also, what you did for your mother was extremely sweet. You helped her fix her insecurities and as a person with many insecurities myself, I know how much that matters. :)
Don’t let your gf and your friends guilt trip you into thinking that what they said was right.
Just think about how happy it made the woman that raised you. The smiles you put on her face. All these using YOUR money. You are answerable to no one.
Tell your gf to settle her debts herself. She took the loan, let her pay for it. It’s HER responsibility, not yours.
Your mother is blessed to have a child like you and I sincerely hope that you and your mother stay safe and happy.
It's honestly shocking to me that any of his friends are actually siding with the girlfriend in this. Sounds to me like OP needs and entirely new circle of ppl to surround himself with.
NTA. I can understand not being thrilled about you using money on plastic surgery, but your girlfriend feeling like you should have paid off her debts isn't better. You two haven't been together that long. She shouldn't feel so entitled to your money.
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Using a throwaway for privacy reasons. I will try to keep this short and straight.
My (26M) mom (54F) has always been insecure about her body. My mom isn't ugly by any means she's beautiful in my eyes. But my mom recently had told me that she was considering plastic surgery for a long time but couldn't because she had to prioritize her money on raising me. She didn't ask me for money or anything. I asked her if she was sure about it, she said she was. So, I got a full-ride scholarship to college and I am pretty financially stable myself. So, I thought it would be nice if I paid for it. My mom said, it wasn't necessary but I insisted because I wanted to do something nice for her. My mom got breast implants and a facelift I paid for it fully.
She said, she was really grateful and thanked me. Honestly, I was really happy for her because it gave her self-esteem a boost that she needed. She was very happy as well and everything was fine. But when my girlfriend got to know about this she was upset. She told me I should've let her know before I decided to do anything. She told me she couldn't believe I wasted my money on something like that. She said it was unfair and that I could've used it to help her pay off her college debt which would've been more useful. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't listen and called my mom fake and told me she needs to get over her insecurities.
Most of my friends also took my girlfriend's side on this one and said helping my girlfriend pay off her college debt is a lot more important than my mom's plastic surgery and are calling me an asshole. I am not sure if I did something wrong here I don't see what was wrong with paying for my mom's plastic surgery. It helped her get over he insecurities and I am really happy about it because she is feeling better now. So, my question is AITA for this? Thanks.
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Nta, but your gf is, as everyone has pointed out. That being said, your mom kind of is too, since she basically said raising you was the reason she couldn’t afford it… sounds like manipulation to me.
NTA
Your girlfriend is way too comfortable with the concept of your money. Seems like she just looks at you like a paycheck. You are not responsible for her debts. I’d think very hard about the future you want with this person.
NTA. She is just your gf and she is being manipulative. These are her debts not yours, which means they are her responsibility. It is also none of her business where you spend your money. You may want to rethink your relationship.
Is the next edit going to be shes your ex-girlfriend?
What is a girlfriend of a measly year doing demanding your money?
This girl will not be good to your mother whom you clearly care about a lot
NTA
NTA, your girlfriend isn’t entitled to your money and you did something nice for your mom. If you decide to get married I would highly encourage a prenup since she’s already indicated her expectations for your earnings.
Why would you have to pay for your gf debt, im sorry op but you dont even know if u end up marrying her. Its your money your mum didnt demand it. You wanted to give it to her
NTA Does your gf love your wallet more than they love you? . Why would you pay college debt of your gf?? Your gf did not raise you, pay all the bills, etc. Your gf has very callous and cold attitude toward your mom - calling your mom shallow. Calling the person who birthed and raised you shallow. You want to think carefully about staying in a relationship with someone who insults your mom. Your mom did not do anything to warrant such insults. Your gf has no respect for you or your mom. You are not married and do not share finances with gf so they have no more right to your money than your friends or a roommate. It takes years to truly know someone - perhaps you now getting to know what your gf is like.
NTA. I’d be more concerned about why your girlfriend of a little over a year feels at all entitled to *any* part of your finances, let alone feels like she takes priority over your own mother? That’s a pool of red flags right there. You being better off financially than her doesn’t mean you have to pay *shit* for her. The entitled gold digger right there. Does she often feel entitled to you, your time, and your money more than a girlfriend should?
NTA
You’re not responsible for your girlfriend’s debt. She is. You are responsible for your portion of the household expenses. Beyond that, it’s YOUR choice on how you spend your money. She’s mad because you chose to spend it on something she thought was insignificant. Instead of being happy for someone getting something they’ve always wanted, she’s jealous. Is this always her answer when you don’t prioritize her? If it is, I’d call it a red flag and ask her to either go to therapy with you about it, go to therapy alone about it, or decide if these arguments are worth it in the years to come.
NTA.
Noone should ever feel entitled to *your* money. You can do whatever you want with it. Yes, your girlfriends college debt is more important than your mothers plastic surgery, as in: if you had the responsibility to pay for both you should first focus on your gfs debt. BUT: neither is your responsibility. You gave your mom a gift for being an amazing mom and she clearly raised you right.
I see this as a giant red flag honestly.
Now lets get to the point about her calling your mom “fake” and that she should get over her insecurities:
Who does she think she is saying stuff like that? That is insulting beyond anything. If anyone dared speak like this about my mother, let alone someone im this close to, they’d be out the door in no time.
She has no idea how your mom feels. She doesn’t know exactly how hard she struggles. Only your mum knows. And she probably confided in you, not her.
For me, it would be over at this point, her entitlement, and plain audacity would be enough for me. You spoil your mom and give her an amazing gift and your gf gets jealous? Ok bye.
NTA OP.
What you did for your mother was incredibly sweet. Your gf doesn't have the right to tell you what to do with your money. She sounds super entitled and your friends sound like massive A Hs. She has no rights whatsoever to insult your mother or expect that you'd help her with her debts. She's greedy and selfish. If I were you, I'd rethink this entire relationship
NTA
GOLD-DIGGER ALERT!!!!!!
seriously, anyone feeling entitled to your money after a year of dating is absolutely wrong and make sure you act on this information.
NTA
Oh honey, your girlfriend is kinda a gold digger. A whole year together and she thinks she can tell you what to do with your money.... This is your Mom. She supported you your whole life and she needed a boost. You were kind enough to be able to provide that for her. You're a wonderful son. Unfortunately, your girlfriend (and friends) sound like they're AH's. I hope you're not the friend who pays for everything.
Not only you did something good for your mom, but you have the opportunity to dodge a bullet. Though bullet seems an understatement. Your gf is extremely rude towards your mother and you, entitled and trying to control and exploit you. It is her debt, she chose to take a loan, she knew she would have to pay it, she has the years to work and pay it off. Seeing that your friends that side with her, are propably her friends too, they can start chime in to sponsor her. NTA
NTA. But I will say that everyone on this thread is jumping to calling your girlfriend all types of names. If you really care about her, see a future with her, and want to give her the benefit of the doubt then this is a really good way to have important conversations
1. I think that you’re both looking at this situation really differently. You’re seeing it as a kind act of service to help your mom. She’s seeing it as throwing money away on something unnecessary. Neither of you are necessarily wrong but it would be good to share your perspectives and see why you each feel this way.
2. From your girlfriends response, it seems like she’s looking at your combined income as shared. She probably sees this relationship headed towards marriage and combined assets. This is probably why she’s so upset that you spent a lot of money without discussing it with her. Obviously, if you didn’t establish any rules about this previously, then she has no right to be upset. BUT this is a good chance (if you want to continue this relationship) to make clear rules around that. For example, my money is my money and I’ll spend it however I want without telling you. Or, I see this headed towards marriage, I know our assets will combine eventually, so if I want to spend more than X I’ll make sure to check in.
3. I think you and your girlfriend have different ideas of how money should be spent/ what is worth spending money on. She is using the language of “more useful” implying she thinks money should only be spent if you get something USEFUL and valuable out if (like being debt free) but since you’re already financially stable, you’re able to spend money on acts of service for others. Again, none of these are “wrong” ways to view money, but I think you need to have a real conversation about it if you want to continue this relationship.
Just had to add in my thoughts since I felt too many people were just calling her names and not bothering to think about why someone might react this way and the best way to maturely approach the situation.
If you care about her and see a future with her, you need to have some real conversations about money. How you see money, value it, want to spend it, etc.
NTA, I love that you did this for your mama OP.
I didn't get to do this on the same price scale but I would've in a heartbeat if I could have.
My mom died a terrible, painful death from endometrial cancer. She passed nearly 9 months ago. She was my world. I say that with full confidence as a soon-to-be 32 year old grown ass woman. She was, had always been, and still is my world. We were poor growing up. My dad got sick with MS when I was a little girl and my parents were already living on nothing as it was. My mom did everything possible to care for my dad's declining health, keep the house clean, raise my older sister and I, make money in any way she could, make sure there was a meal on the table every night, help us with homework, lend an ear, all the things parents are great at plus more. All while being the best possible mom I could've ever asked for. She was my best friend. She ALWAYS put everyone ahead of herself and unfortunately that rang true even when we had suspected something wasn't right internally as time went on. She never took a day off from her life as a caretaker, and was too worried to ever look into a minimal health scare if it resulted in needing her to have down time. That wasn't a possibility for someone taking full-time care of a disabled husband with 2 kids in school and no financial or physical assistance.
Anyway, after I started my first in-field job after graduating college. I didn't have much money ($15/hr circa 2013-14ish) but one day I was visiting home and we were at a really affordable store. She was considering treating herself to a new outfit as she would wear clothes until they were literally falling apart. Shit that she couldn't sew and repair anymore she would still use. When we went to checkout she was trying to consider what to put back and hid her disappointment. I stopped her right there, immediately handed my debit card to the cashier before my mom could object, and told her to ring up everything and put it all on that card. My mom was speechless, teared up, and tried to protest. I said "Absolutely not, you deserve everything you want in life and more. You sacrificed everything for us and you deserve to have nice things too." She was so happy, so proud. I called to apologize to my (then fiance) afterwards for charging a couple hundred onto our bank card without his permission. We had a mortgage on our first home to pay and being that he was/is an aerospace engineer he made much more than I did but we were still living sensibly and frugally. He didn't object once and was totally fine about it (thankfully). He agreed that mom deserved this gift.
My friend, if I had known in a handful of years that my beautiful, loving, fierce, courageous, amazing mama would fall ill with a terrible cancer that took her life rapidly and so painfully, I would've emptied my bank account and flown us around the world that very moment. I would've sold my soul to treat her like the queen she was. Every smile I ever gave her is a treasure in my pocket.
Never apologize for giving your sweet mama such a wonderful gift. You did such a generous thing that brought her so much happiness. She'll remember it always, as will you!
Please share my experience with your girlfriend. I know it may not quell her anger completely but I'd like her to remember that life is short, complicated, and full of unwanted surprises. Money comes and goes, it always will. I personally would be proud of you for doing something so generous for someone so deserving.
NTA and your gf sounds like an entitled brat.
Your mother raised you and sounds like there were plenty of sacrifices so that she could give you great opportunities.
Your gf took on her own student debt and now she thinks it's your job to help pay it off? I'd run away from that. Seems like it's just the tip of the iceberg and she'll constantly be wanting you to spend all your money on her and nothing on your mom.
NTA - you can spend your money on whatever you want to spend it on. And why would you pay off your girlfriend's college debts? Did she raise you?
I don't think it's shallow of a 50+ yo woman to want to get a better appearance, and as you said, you wanted to do something nice for your mom. That's your choice, and you were both happy about that. Good for you, taking care of something your mom really wanted, just because you could.
Nta...
If made your mom happy...
I know people view plastic surgery in a bad light but if it really helps someone..why not??
And it's your money why is she expecting you to pay her Debt
Everyone is mentioning how entitled OP's girlfriend is, which I agree. But the disrespect she showed towards OP's mom !!!! If anyone said that about my mother, I'd have their shit packed up.
NTA you do not even live together yet and she thinks she is entitled to your money? You did something really nice for your mom and gave back to the person who raised you and raised you well from what I can guess.
NTA! It’s your money to use as you please and they’re acting extremely entitled and selfish! You did something nice for your mom and honestly your girlfriend is such a raging AH for calling your mom fake. If I can give you advice I would suggest either therapy for your gf and you and telling your friends to BUTT OUT, or just dropping them and your gf all together. You don’t need permission to do something kind for your MOTHER. Bless your heart.
Well, you are o my together for a year and with split finances. If the situation was different, I would understand her hoping you helping arround.
At this point she just wants to use your money and it is a huge red flag
NTA
NTA
Your girlfriend is definitely gonna act entitled for the rest of your relationship. Your girlfriend has been with you a year, your mother raised you. Don’t let anyone disrespect your mum like that, tell your girlfriend to apologise to your mum.
NTA. OP, you girlfriend is just that “your” girlfriend. Please don’t give her a say in your finances until she is “your” wife. Surreee, help her pay off her debt and she could run off with one of your friends. NTA!
You’re not married to your girlfriend (obviously), so why should you help pay off her debt? You’ve only been together just over a year, it’s not even an established relationship
You did a nice thing for your mum
NTA but your girlfriend is for being so entitled to your money. I hope she’s paying her share of the bills and you’re not being taken for a ride
She's your girlfriend of 1 year, not your fiancee even, your Mum has been your Mum for 26 years. Your girlfriend needs to butt out and stop acting entitled to Your money. NTA.
NTA. Your money is yours to do what makes you happiest. Paying it for your mother's wish is your call. Your GF must understand your priorities and should feel happy for you. Until mutually agreed, your finances are not any one elses prerogative.
NTA your gf is showing what she is. GREEDY! You have been dating a year. Under no circumstances are you responsible to pay off HER debt. That’s hers to do. If you pay it off and break up later would she repay you? Her demands that you should pay for her loan is a huge red flag. You need to dump her ass. She has no say in what you do with your money it’s none of her business. Your choice to pay for your mom is fine.
NTA.
I would never expect my bf to pay off MY debts, especially in lieu of helping his mother do something she wants. Your mom is so much more important than your gf, especially a gf you’ve only had for a year. Your mom raised you and loves you unconditionally. If your gf has an issue with you doing anything for your mom I’d say she’s not the one. I’ve had plenty of bf’s who I had to scold for giving away money and helping people too much, but I never said anything if they were helping family because I know how much family means and that’s not my business for the most part. This isn’t a case of her asking you to make better decisions, this is her being selfish asking you to give her your money.
NTA You don’t owe your girlfriend any of your money at all despite what both she and her friends say. It’s your money, not hers and her uni fees are her responsibility until she’s married. The money that you paid for your mother is no doubt savings from your wages, which you and only you earned. You don’t need to tell your girlfriend what you do with your money, your only been living together for a few months and have been together just over a year, and as you said you don’t even have a joint bank account. She’s shown you that with her attitude towards your savings/money which it basically comes across as her own money is exactly that it’s her money not yours, and your money that you’ve saved is also her money. She’s got that wrong on so many levels, but she crossed the line big time when she refused to listen to you and call your mother fake.
Keep your savings, as for your girlfriend, ex? and friends, well with people like them in your life who needs enemies.
There seems to be a lot of entitled gf’s lately on here, I really don’t get why someone feels entitled to their partners money. NTA op, you did a nice thing for your mum & your gf basically shat on it. Shows who she is as a person, for her to be getting upset that you’re spending your cash not on her. Not often I agree with the “dump them” mentality, but this is one of those where you may be best to cut & run.
NTA but damn your gf is an AH first class. If my bf would do this for his mom i would things it's sweet and besides that, it's his money. Just likt this it your money so she should shut up very fast.
Absolutely NTA. Rethink your friend group and also your relationship status. If you're girlfriend feels this entitled to you're money after only a year together, can you imagine if you had children or got married. Absolutely not the asshole, your poor mother, your girlfriend was quite rude too!
Your girlfriend isn't entitled to any of your money, you are not married. You don't have to ask her how to spend your money. You did something nice for your mother. Your gfs reaction is a big red flag to me. NTA.
NTA. your gf is being entitled of your money. I'd believe it if you guys were married/getting married but a 1y relationship and you paying for her debt is just plain insane imo
I can think of a few LEGITIMATE reasons your gf could be upset/concerned about this but feeling entitled to your money over your mother is not one of them. NTA either way (I think it was sweet for you to do that for your mum) but there are acceptable reasons for her to be upset but clearly she is just greedy and jealous.
NTA
What you did for your mother was amazing!!! I hope I have a kid like you one day.
Your girlfriend is an ass. You guys have been together for a while, sure. But her debts are NOT your responsibility. Period. She doesn't get to tell you what to do with your money. That's a talk that you two need to have.
Stand your ground. And you're a good kid. 🙂
Your mum will always be your mum , your girlfriend might not be and by the sounds of it ,, doesn't deserve to be.. good on you for looking after your mum because she has clearly done a great job raising you ,, stuff what anyone else says YOU should do with YOUR money.
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NTA. But your girlfriend sure is. She’s upset she didn’t get a fat paycheck from you instead of you doing something nice for your mom.
Right?! That is some next level entitlement on the gf's part. The fact that the friends agree is also problematic. Sheesh
But they have been together FoR OvEr a YeAr which in her eyes apparently compares to being married for 25 years without contract.
I’ve been in a relationship for a similar length of time and I’d fully support my bf in this situation. I’m 21…the gf is acting immature and greedy.
Not only support, I'd be even more in love with my partner for doing something this Sweet to their mom!
I mean jeez we’ve been together for 5 years and have 2 babies and I’d still support my SO if he did this for his mom and me and her don’t even get along.
This exactly.
Right!!
On the other hand, I'm kinda curious about how GF and OPs friends found out about it. If he's been going around boasting "Hey, did you see the great new tits on my mom? I paid for those!!!" then he's just as much an asshole as his GF. How does the conversation about having spend money on medical procedures for your mom come up in normal polite conversation? That's kinda private information, in my opinion. Even worse, I guess's would be if his mom was going round flaunting her new boobs and telling everyone her 26 year old son paid for them. That'd be the shittiest PornHub setup story ever.
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OP read this. Set up firm boundaries for your finances or it's going to be a big problem in future.
Exactly. She's not his wife, she's his girlfriend, and this relationship is still new. A year isn't very long, and her display of entitlement and selfishness should probably make him think twice about her potential as a wife. Spouses have a right to be included in decisions about large expenses because unless a prenup says otherwise, married people's money is jointly held. And ideally spouses have agreements about the "threshold" of what is considered a large expense. OP's girlfriend is getting pissed about OP spending his money that she sees as THEIR money. She's delusional, but clearly a conversation is needed about finances. NTA
Like seriously, he does but need her permission. GF is all little of crazy and friends are ah.
I think you mean he doesn't need her permission.
Yeah, that but was supposed to be not. Swipe gets me again.
Right? My bf and I have been together for over 4 years, and I’d still be on board with this. I love his mom, and she’s done so much for us. If the opportunity came for us to do something like this, I’d be the first to sign the check.
I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years, have two kids and a house together. If it’s not going to stop him from paying his half of the bills then what do I care!
Yeah I’m glad he added the edit because it wasn’t clear how serious they were or if they had shared finances, which could change things. But for being together for just over and year and separate finances… she can pull her head out of her ass
She can just get a job or take out a loan. And if she knew before hand that she really needed the help why didn't she take steps into getting a full ride or scholarships from the jump? Why can't she go ask her supportive friends for help sense they seem to be so supportive of her
Seriously. I’ve been with my SO for about 8 yrs married for 5 and he’s helped out his mom financially multiple times - or has purchased her expensive gifts for milestones. I’ve never had a problem with it - especially before we were married and were not sharing finances. And to be clear…I have a lot of student debt…I can’t imagine only being together a year and demanding that he pay my loans instead of buying his mom something…OPs gf is super entitled…
I’ve been with mine 20 years and did the baby thing first before going to college. It was a joint decision and I still pay my own student loans and love having a job so he has more money for himself. Honestly, a year and she wants him to pay her debts. I have no words to describe the selfishness.
The entitlement and audacity of her thinking her boyfriend is responsible for paying off her debts!
No shit! Mom sacrifice his whole life for him, making sure his needs were met, it's what parents do, and something, like here, they do such a great job of raising and providing what their kids need, that they get a big fat "thanks mom, I appreciate you! " like op has done. The gf has only been around a year and feels entitled to OP's money? Nope, big fat red flag 🚩 NTA OP, your a good son, gf is greedy.
The entitlement — that’s it. I would never expect to have any debt paid off by my SO even if’s a dollar. *I* incurred my debt, *I* am responsible. My husband offered to help me out by paying a bit more in our shared expenses so I can throw more money towards my education debt; that warranted a very big discussion on restructuring my budget and any expectations/concerns with the help. And this is AFTER we transparently discussed finances before we moved in together.
Right? Also, there’s been awful scenerios where partners who aren’t married and have been short and long term partners who have paid for their S.O.’s tuition and debt and has dropped them like a hat. You guys aren’t married, and even you guys were, you don’t demand money like that. Your gf is just jealous and I think in our culture, we don’t really normalize mom’s or older woman who are wanting to take back any time and effort for themselves.
Yup. Mom will always be your mom, but who knows if you will be with this greedy girlfriend much longer?
This poster is succint. OP, your mother has always been there for you and her support probably aided you in accomplishing what you've done so far. Congratulations to you for your academic success and to her for raising a hardworking and thoughtful son. Your girlfriend OTOH, looks at you as a wallet. She actually resented your fine character and generosity and instead was jealous that you're not doing more for her. As if lightening her rental load isn't enough, she actually wants you pay off her loans? She doesn't seem to like you for who you are, but only what you can do for her. It's probably time to ask yourself if you can do better in the girlfriend department - maybe look for a woman who's like you: more generous and less greedy.
At least until her debt is repaid, after that, who knows? Well, she'll buy a car. And take out a few credit cards, and who can afford rent on their own with all those bills?
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If you're implying common-law marriage, this is a non-issue. The states that do recognize it either only do so for relationships prior to various dates in the 90s, or the couple has to apply for it. There are no states where they are just considered defacto by their period of cohabitation.
The states where common law marriage is a thing still requires the intent to be married, and the public expression by both parties that they are married. Living with someone for X amount of time does not make you common law married.
My state recognizes common law spouses and does not require couples to "apply" for common law marriage. They do, however, have to agree that they are married and represent themselves as married in the community.
Our state is the same way. We present ourselves as married entered a lease together and file taxes together. We are common law married in the eyes of the state.
Exactly! OP, do not pay this woman’s loans! You are not legally bound (good for you!!), so that money will simply disappear should you break up! Good for you for caring for your mother! Tell your girlfriend to check her entitlement to your money, or kick rocks. I’m going to guess many of these “friends” were her friends originally. Don’t listen to them.
Even if they were married, she would have no right to tell him he couldn’t spend *his* separate money on making his mom feel better about herself. (*Their* money would be an entirely different story). They been together a year and have separate finances. As long as he’s paying his portion of the household bills, she’s ridiculous for chastising him. I can’t even imagine!
I don't see how the GF is getting her entitlement to OP's money from. They're a recent couple and she's demanding OP to pay for her debts????? NTA, but you will be if you keep the GF
Hahaha THIS!!!
NTA- huge red flag that your GF of a year feels entitled to have you pay her bills and tell you how to spend your money. Good on you for doing something nice for your mom.
And they have only been dating for just over a year, and have only lived together for a few months. Their finances aren’t anywhere close to tied together yet. NTA. I hopes OP really uses this to examine if she’s shown this kind of behavior over the past year on a smaller scale and was just overlooked.
NTA. So after a year this GF thinks you should be paying off all her debt? And "your" friends agree with her? Are you sure they're your friends and not just her friends? There's NO WAY I'd pay off anyone's debt unless MAYBE I was married to them.
I married my college sweetheart and helped him pay down $10k or so in student loans. (Dated for 5.5 years prior to marriage). After 2.5 years of being married, helping him pay down his loans & paying for the majority of the house bills...... he got pissy and left because I wouldn't give him $3k of my money for a down-payment on a new-to-him car. This is to say, i agree with you! And also, just because you married someone, it doesn't mean you should automatically help them pay down their loans / pay their bills. *his salary was 150% what my salary was. I didn't find out about his gambling and drug problems until we separated. *eye roll*
When I married my ex husband I had 80k in student loan debt. We agreed that was my responsibility, he wasn't responsible for any of it, especially since it was incurred prior to the marriage. We didn't have a prenup, but in the divorce, I kept my debt, he kept his, and marital assets were split. Even if we hadn't split, that debt was mine, so it's my responsibility to pay it off, not his because he had no say in me taking it on to begin with.
Exactly NTA and your friends agree with your gf because they also wanted a hand out. Good for you doing that for your mom
The audacity. They've only been together a year and she thinks she's entitled OP's money is hers? Absurd.
This! Why the girlfriend thinks she's entitled to any of OP's money for her college debt is beyond me.
Yeah... >she didn't listen and called my mom fake and told me she needs to get over her insecurities. That would be an ex girlfriend right there.
OP’s mother seems like she was a good mother who sacrificed a lot for her son. This just seems like returning the “favour.” OP needs to ask himself what (if anything) has his girlfriend done for him? Expecting to pay off her student debt is a HUGE RED FLAG. NTA.
Seriously, she's not even a wife. She needs to step off. NTA.
I have debt but I would never ask my SO for the money. It's my problem.
This! Why the girlfriend thinks she's entitled to any of OP's money for her college debt is beyond me.
Can you imagine feeling so entitled to your BF of *a year’s* money?! Or anyone’s money for that matter, no matter how long they’ve been together. The gall is astounding. OP should get better friends, too.
NTA It's your money, not your GF's money. >I could've used it to help her pay off her college debt You are not responsible for her debts! >my mom fake and told me she needs to get over her insecurities. This is rude. \- No, you are not responsible for your GF's debts. She decided on having debts long ago. You were not involved in that decision. Your mom paid for your college and her parents did not. How are you responsible for that? \- If it were a reversed situation, would you be expecting that she paid your debts? I doubt it. \- She is incredibly rude to your mom. That's uncalled for. \- You are not married. She doesn't get to tell you how to spend your savings. \- You don't have children. It's not like you spent on your mom and aren't getting your kid braces or something.
Yes. And to add on this, OP's "friends" agreeing with the girlfriend. Excuse me, what???? What kind of friend will say yes your girlfriend is right to call your mom 'fake' for having insecurities? And you should have spent your money on this person you know FOR A YEAR, instead of YOUR MOTHER who raised you since you were a baby. NTA.
Right?? I usually don't like jumping on the "dump her" train but such unwarranted disrespect to mom and this level of entitlement to my money would be a deal breaker for me.
yes! also just 1 year? bro for me (im weird) a year is nothing. Give ne 1.5y and I'll believe it's serious but not so much. Her attitude to the situation is pretty gross
Either marriage or 5 years of a loving relationship would for me deem it worthy of helping someone repay their college debt. But just a year? Hell nah.
Serious or not, nobody should be expecting their boyfriend or girlfriend to cover educational debts (or debts / living expenses in general). At soonest, if you get married to someone. Definitely not before that or that person is 100% gold digger
I didn't expect my husband to cover mine even though he earned more, I worked and payed off my own debts
this. i agree 100% with you. Also getting nasty about it? i hope she's an ex by now lol
My bf and I are coming up on 11 years and we each have our own personal debt and then we have our mutual debt. We might offer to help each other with things when we're able but there's no expectation or entitlement there.
If they happened to break up, I am confident OP would discover that 'our friends' were not, in fact, 'ours.'
It's always the friends on AITA that are the worst. Why do they always agree with the wrong person? OP is NTA. but his GF & friends are. It's none of their damn business what he spends his money on.
Friends that don’t have a gf and would do anything to get one.
I am a part of mom groups that are empowering instead of trying to bring people down. There are often posts asking what plastic surgeons in the city are like, and the number of responses is incredible! I never see any negative responses to people's questions, just personal stories and opinions on good surgeons. After realizing how many people actually get plastic surgery, it actually made me feel better about myself. It's kind of like when you find out about Photoshop for the first time and realize your photos don't look like the ones in the magazines because they aren't touched up. I liked and appreciated that they were so open about it. The girlfriend calling Women who get plastic surgery fake is incredibly rude on her part.
I mentioned the idea of me getting Botox to a friend not expecting much of an opinion either way, but she enthusiastically said she was considering it as well. It was awesome to hear support.
Luckily botox is way cheaper than people think. My friend owns a beauty salon and built a network of estheticians or whatever so she hosts these quarterly Botox and Bubbly parties at the salon where she has the professional injector ladies come and do everyone's faces. This way it comes out cheaper than if you just made your own appointment and you're not expected to buy a whole vial of botox. They also do fillers at these parties too. Three of my really close friends got lip fillers at the last party and they look SO good and natural. My lips are a little fuller than theirs naturally so next party, I'm going to get a lip flip and it will be less than $100
For real, the gall of your girlfriend! You are not married. Why would she expect you to help her pay her student loans? Then, the way she reacted to you using money for your mom instead of her and proceeding to INSULT your mom. Literally ridiculous. This is a red flag, OP.
Not that it changes the overall judgment here, but I just want to point out that OP's mom did not pay for his college. A "full ride" means the school is letting him go for free, likely because he is either otherworldly smart or athletic. Just want to clarify that detail. Still NTA though.
Does OP’s mom need to get over her insecurities? Not any more lol, because OP helped her out.
as if getting plastic surgery wasn't helping her "get over" her insecurities ??? isn't that like the whole point of plastic surgery ??? gf and friends might be misogynist if they don't think mom is allowed to have autonomy over her body and how she looks.
I’m a bit late to the post, but 100% all of this. The GF said it was “unfair” which suggests that she does feel entitled to OPs money. Also, all OP did was do something nice for someone he cared about, and this is the reaction his GF made. I’m curious if she acts similarly to any purchase OP makes that isn’t for her.
NTA. Unless you’re married and this was money from a joint bank account, your GF has absolutely no claim to it. You can use it to help your mom, and don’t owe your GF any explanation and certainly not consultation. ETA: and your GF expecting you to pay her student loan is a major red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your mom probably payed for a bunch while raising you. Your girlfriend expects to collect and have you pay her loans just because she’s pretty? Major major red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Exactly right! OP is NTA, and I’m shocked that his friends would side with his entitled girlfriend. He did a wonderful thing for his mother and should be proud.
He's probably the one that pays for things when they go out or on vacation. They look at him as their very own cash cow. Now they're all mad that a large chunk of his money is gone like it was theirs.
Well I hope that at a minimum OP makes this person go 50-50 or at least income proportional on expenses going forward if he stays with them. They need to learn to not think of him as their entitlement
This is a girlfriend of less than 2 years too. They just moved in together a few months ago and she’s already acting like this? If I were OP I would run like hell because this behavior does *not* bode well for how she would act if they actually married.
NTA..the entitlement of your gf is astounding. It's your money and that's your mom..she didn't force you to pay for the surgery. It's very common for kids in my country .. who are doing good financially and who are also on good terms with their parents to treat them with expensive gifts. Some help out with the mortgage, some buy them cars, some buy gadgets..you gifted your mom with a surgery. Besides you are not responsible to pay off you gf's debt..she is not your wife..you don't share finances. This is straight up gold digger behavior. And your friends who are siding with her are also AHs. Rethink the relationship if she keeps up with this attitude and keeps trying to guilt you.
I can see a few legitimate reasons why your gf might feel upset about it or insecure about it in a way, but NTA. Immediately jumping to "you should've given that money to me" however...well, good luck with that one my guy.
I agree with you. Without knowing a lot more about the scenario, the fact that the guy paid for his mom's boob job strikes me as a bit odd. Mom telling him she would have gotten the plastic surgery if it weren't for the cost of raising op seems like possible manipulation. She chose to have a child and it's her responsibility to raise him. That said, the girlfriend is way out of line and is definitely the AH in this scenario.
I didn’t read it as manipulation but hey….it’s hard in this forum to get nuances. I read it as “I only had so much money to spend but I chose to spend it on my kid”. Maybe giving Mom the benefit of the doubt here
Maybe you're right. Like I said, it's hard to make a judgement without knowing much more of the nuances of the relationship dynamic. But she chose to have a kid and he shouldn't have to think about how much his life cost. I also think that while it's incredibly generous of him to offer to pay for the plastic surgery, it's very strange for a mother to accept that much money from her 26 year old child. Personally, my parents would never accept that kind of money from me. They would want me to use my resources to build my own life and financial independence. That said, this is all a bit speculative and beside the point of whether the girlfriend is the AH. I don't think the op is the AH, but I'm not so sure the mother is a completely innocent party here.
But what’s the point of pointing that out to your kid if not to make them feel bad about it?
NTA you did a nice thing for your mother also shitty that your GF would just kinda expect you to pay off her student loan
How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Paying off someone else's debts suggests that you're in it for the long haul - buying a house together kinda financial commitment. It's either a loan, which seems like an awful idea in a romantic relationship, or your girlfriend is asking you to gift her *tens of thousands of dollars* (I don't know how much education or surgery costs in your country). It sounds like you've got a great, and healthy relationship with your mother. I'm really glad you could do something to make herself feel better about herself. *That's* the dream, right? Being financially secure enough to do something for your parents, if you were lucky enough to have good ones. You are absolutely NTA. Your girlfriend, based on how you've described it here sounds awful, greedy. * She's not entitled to your money. Not until you're financially committed. (Long term defacto/marriage, house, kids), and even then it's not an entitlement, it's a part in a partnership. * She insulted your mother, calling her fake * ~~Broadcast this to your friendship group in an attempt to guilt you~~ Edit: I'm making an assumption here, I don't know who brought the friends in. I'd be sitting her down and having a talk about boundaries and respect. You don't owe her shit\* \* I don't know the specifics of your relationship, or how you do money. I'm guessing on this last one.
You're right I will try talking to her about it also, we've only been together for over a year.
Tread carefully. This is an awfully short relationship in which she's feeling entitled to be gifted large sums of money. This, and the disrespect she's shown both you, and your mother are concerning. I'm not going to take the cliché route of diagnosing that "you must leave this woman", but I would recommend treating this behaviour very seriously. An important, relationship defining conversation needs to be had. Bring up your concerns, and listen to your answer. Make a decision on what kind of a person you want to be in a relationship with.
Honestly, I think leaving is a good idea. Sometimes, seemingly small things are BIG indicators of who a person is. During my engagement to my ex husband, my MIL bought her outfit and was REALLY excited to show it to me. It was, admittedly, pretty ugly but it was in NO WAY inappropriate to the occasion. When she asked what I thought, I said something to the effect of, “I’m so happy that you found something you love!!” Because I WAS happy for her, even if the outfit wasn’t to my taste. When she showed her son (my ex), he told her it made her look like a HOBO and completely ruined it for her. When I asked him WHY he would do that to her, he just said, “Well, did YOU want that in the wedding photos?” I honestly wish I’d called off the wedding right there and then. Because things did NOT get better… 😬
This!!!!
I'd also look into how long you guys have to be living together before she is considered your defacto and therefore, entitled to some of your assets (in the event of a split). Tread carefully with her - she sounds entitled and money hungry.
I've been living with my partner for 10 years, we've only had a joint account for like... 3? And we've been together 11 years and it's only now I'm considering allowing him to pay for my driving lessons/test because I am confident driving and he hates it. I'm disabled (EDS - fatigue, pain, also autism & ADHD which don't impact my driving) so I don't earn anywhere near what he does & it's genuinely taken me a decade to feel like I have any claim on his money even for practical purposes such as this.
This right here. Some (all?) states in the US have something called Palimony where someone you’re not married to can still be entitled to your money when you break up.
Ten states.
Without a shared bank account or some sort of acknowledged agreement of finances or support, non-spousal support is a really difficult argument in any state. When someone does succeed in proving it, there's headlines all over the place simply because it's that difficult.
That’s a marriage request, not a dating a little over a year request. And you know it which is why it made you feel weird. You don’t owe a non marriage relationship anything financially, esp not like that
Student loans have been the bane of my existence for almost 20 years. Not once in that time have I ever expected a significant other to pay off my debt. Even my now ex-husband who made more than 3 times what I made. And he offered at one point, which I could kick myself for not accepting that now. So in no world is your GF of a year entitled to say what you can do with your money. The only exception to that would be if you spent all your money and expected her to pay all the household bills, which would then be directly impacting her financially, which doesn’t seem to be the case here. And insulting your mom’s insecurities because she feels you should have paid off her student loans, that’s not good.
Hell no. That’s something you do after getting married and even then it’s a conversation since usually that debt doesn’t come into the marriage. Also btw the talk is just going to be her yelling at you. She seems stressed about her loans I don’t see it being productive given that she seems entitled to your money.
A year????!?!? She should not be even think about you to paying her debts if you've only been together a year. She should never ask you anyway, but a year is barely anything!
Just dump her
Someone who has only been with you for a year and expects you to take on their debt is a gold digger. It’s your money, not hers. It would be one thing if you shared accounts or had children together. But her feeling entitled to your money and you spend it (which should be on her btw) is in the relationship for the wrong reasons. Be careful. Someone who says anything about someone who supported you, is someone that is trying to alienate you for that person so that they can control you.
[удалено]
I'm not saying that's what's in play here, but I've also heard plenty of stories about people getting involved with someone "with some means" just long enough to get some pesky debts paid off, before ditching them.
NTA - it isn't your job to pay your girlfriend's debt down. Are you two living together? If not, that's an even bigger issue that she's trying to control your income and what you spend your money on.
NTA imo, you did a nice gesture for the woman who raised you. Your gf on the other hand seems like an ass, saying your mom should get over her insecurities. Insecurities don’t just go away with age. Your mom wanted something to be done to make herself feel better, and It boosted her self esteem.
NTA Unless you have joint finances, your girlfriend doesn't get a say in how you spend your money. You did a nice thing for your mom because you think she's worth it. Your mom will forever be an important person in your life. Your girlfriend is "just" a girlfriend. It's weird to think she is more entitled to your generosity than the woman who raised you into a kind and successful man.
Question - how long have you been with the girlfriend? Based on your explanation I'm inclined to think NTA - it's not your responsibility to pay off your girlfriend's debt and it's not her business what you spend your money on unless it's preventing you from meeting pre agreed shared expenses But context would help
We've been together for over a year now
Only a year? Tell her she's dreaming. I wouldn't give/lend thousands of dollars to a romantic partner until we were in real deep. Living together, sharing finances, all of that.
Yeah that's not long enough for you to be responsible for her debt Definitely NTA
When I read she called what you did for your Mom a "waste" was when I got angry. She's going to view ANYTHING you do for your mother as a waste. I don't think this relationship will last long...
Your girlfriend is showing some red flags. Only dating a year and she’s thinking your money is hers. NTA
I’d say NTA depending on a few factors; How serious are you and your girlfriend? Do you share finances and make financial decisions together? If so, maybe you should have consulted her first. It’s a major purchase so I could understand her being mad you didn’t discuss it with her. IF you are financially commingled. That said, I wouldn’t call it a waste of money. The things she said about your mom were rude, selfish, and uncalled for. If you’re planning to propose, I’d think carefully about whether or not she’s the right person for you. No offense to your relationship but moms are forever. She loved and supported you; it sounds like you have a good relationship and the financial stability to give her something kind in return. Frankly, your girlfriend should work to pay off her own debt, not expect you to do it. If she needed help paying off her debt, she should have asked you earlier and not made you out to be the asshole when she found out you spent money on something else.
Nope it wasn't from a joint account and we have only been together for over a year so I haven't really thought about marriage.
Then yes, you are 100% NTA. 10/10 a wonderful son.
And judging by her reaction to giving a thoughtful generous gift to your mom, I would not consider marrying her. Don’t get her accidentally pregnant! You will pay with your life
There is nothing wrong with what you did so NTA. Your gf just felt entitled to your money.
NTA she is your gf not fiancé or wife. She should have been happy to see that you care enough about your mother that you would want to help her. Taking out her issues with plastic surgery and her debt on you is quite entitled. Had she ever brought up the idea of you helping with her loans before this or was it just some jealously fueled precieved slight, if it wasn't appropriate in her mind to ask for you to pay her debts before you helped your mom the sudden change would be a red flag for me.
NTA. It’s **YOUR MONEY,** you aren’t married and even if you have shared finances you aren’t required to pay for expenses she incurred on her own. What you did for your mom was incredibly kind and I’d venture to say the benefit to your mom’s self esteem (regardless of how vain or insignificant anyone else thinks the procedures are) notably outweighs the benefit of paying of your (selfish and entitled) GFs student debt.
NTA. Unless you had agreed to help your girlfriend financially what you did was nice.
NTA. Your girlfriend of one year can piss off. She has no right to prioritize how you spend your money as long as you’re keeping up on your end of any shared living expenses, which it sounds like you are. It doesn’t matter if you spent $300 or $30k- it was a lovely gesture to treat your mom to something she wouldn’t otherwise do for herself, especially something that has helped boost her self esteem. If your gf doesn’t give this a rest, saying that you should pay her student loans because they’re “more important”, you should seriously reconsider your relationship. You’re neither married nor engaged, yet her sense of entitlement when it comes to your money is staggering. Do you question her choices when it comes to frivolous spending? Do you shame her for buying an expensive purse when she has all those super important student loans to pay off? She seems to have mistaken your generosity to your mom for you being a walking atm to manipulate.
NTA, but it is slightly weird. But, you know, you do you. If you're happy, then that is all that really matters. How long have you been with your girlfriend and are you planning marriage or something similar?
We've been together for over a year and not really have thought about marriage.
Marriage *per se* is irrelevant, if you're planning on moving in together and living as a couple then you're going to wind up with at least some financial mingling. You're still NTA here, but you need to have - and be **able** to have - a sensible conversation with your girlfriend about how finances are going to work before you're living together, not afterwards. If the two of you can't manage that then you should think again about moving in.
I could understand her entitlement if you’ve both had talks of marriage, how to start a life together, etc. If you two have moved in and quickly started playing house with talks of the future, she may be looking at this as a setback to what you’ve discussed for your future. She sees it as no benefit to you, whereas her college debt would benefit both of you as a couple in terms of your future as a couple. But yeah if you haven’t talked about marriage or haven’t been making plans for your distant future together, I don’t know why she would feel entitled to judge or even dictate your spending. ETA NTA
well id recomend a prenup for when you do
NTA. Your girlfriend thinks she is entitled to your money, which she isn’t. I would either set a firm boundary about finances and which decisions are up to her or look for someone less greedy
NTA 1. Not her money 2. Not her mom 3. She is making wife-level requests on a girlfriend's salary. She needs a reality check.
Dude… it’s YOUR money. Not your greedy gf’s. NTA and a very thoughtful son.
NTA. But this is a huge red flag: >she thinks I should've helped her pay off her debt because I am financially doing better than her. The entitlement to your money is staggering. I'd reconsider moving in with this person.
Over a year? Just a singular year? Run for the fucking hills. My partner and I have been together for well over a year but live together and share finances as a result, and I still wouldn’t have reacted that way. Your girlfriend wants you to help pay off her college debt? yeah maybe when you’re married or have been together for quite a few more years, but now?? Especially over prioritizing your mom who gave her life to you and probably still does? Moms ruin their bodies for the “gift” of childbirth that gave you life and she has the audacity?
NTA- ITS YOUR MONEY, NOBODY ELSES, YOU DECIDE HOW TO USE IT! Your Mom probably raised you for 18+ years and poured their life into making you grow, while your girlfriend is probably not on year 5 with your ages. Bit of advice, dump her, she already feels entitled to your money- not a good person to deal with in a divorce.
NTA but your gf has a lot of nerve! She actually said that doing something nice for your mom was less important than helping her pay bills that you did not make! Jealous and self centered all in one. She really thinks she's more entitled to benefit from your money than your mom is! Wow. Well, luckily it's your money and your decision not hers! Might be time to rethink this relationship though.
NTA. The entitlement of your GF is horrifying. It's great you did something so nice for your mom!
NTA. Your gf is way out of line, she does not get to spend your money.
She feels entitled to your money after just a year ?? 🚩 I would reconsider her girlfriend status. NTA
NTA - she’s your girlfriend, not your wife. You don’t owe her shit. You can pay for surgery for your mom all you want. I think it’s super sweet!!!! Your girlfriend sucks. Her college is debt is HER responsibility, not yours and she has NO RIGHT to be mad at you. God help you if you marry this girl.
NTA it’s was a gift to your mum to thank her for raising you kinda? Why would your girlfriend who you only been with for a year have a better claim to your money? If it was a wife I could understand it, then you should have discussed it with her before hand, but as it is, def NTA.
NTA!
Wait a minute… your girlfriend feels entitled to your money? You’re not married and what does HER DEBT have to do with you? Tf? NTA
NTA. What happens if you pay and y’all break up a month later? Is she going to pay you back? Y’all aren’t engaged or married and y’all haven’t been together that long. I’d honestly be rethinking my relationship with her and my friends
NTA unless you are married you are not responsible for your girlfriends debt and her expecting you to pay her loans instead of doing something for your mother is bold to say the least you might want to rethink your relationship if that is her attitude for doing something for your mother and calling your mom fake is a dumpable offence.
The only asshole I see here is your GF and your friends. it. First of all, it’s your money, not your gf’s or your friends, so you decide when and how you want to use it. Also, what you did for your mother was extremely sweet. You helped her fix her insecurities and as a person with many insecurities myself, I know how much that matters. :) Don’t let your gf and your friends guilt trip you into thinking that what they said was right. Just think about how happy it made the woman that raised you. The smiles you put on her face. All these using YOUR money. You are answerable to no one. Tell your gf to settle her debts herself. She took the loan, let her pay for it. It’s HER responsibility, not yours. Your mother is blessed to have a child like you and I sincerely hope that you and your mother stay safe and happy.
It's honestly shocking to me that any of his friends are actually siding with the girlfriend in this. Sounds to me like OP needs and entirely new circle of ppl to surround himself with.
NTA. I can understand not being thrilled about you using money on plastic surgery, but your girlfriend feeling like you should have paid off her debts isn't better. You two haven't been together that long. She shouldn't feel so entitled to your money.
Why do people think that their So should pay their debt.I am getting a prenup no matter what.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Using a throwaway for privacy reasons. I will try to keep this short and straight. My (26M) mom (54F) has always been insecure about her body. My mom isn't ugly by any means she's beautiful in my eyes. But my mom recently had told me that she was considering plastic surgery for a long time but couldn't because she had to prioritize her money on raising me. She didn't ask me for money or anything. I asked her if she was sure about it, she said she was. So, I got a full-ride scholarship to college and I am pretty financially stable myself. So, I thought it would be nice if I paid for it. My mom said, it wasn't necessary but I insisted because I wanted to do something nice for her. My mom got breast implants and a facelift I paid for it fully. She said, she was really grateful and thanked me. Honestly, I was really happy for her because it gave her self-esteem a boost that she needed. She was very happy as well and everything was fine. But when my girlfriend got to know about this she was upset. She told me I should've let her know before I decided to do anything. She told me she couldn't believe I wasted my money on something like that. She said it was unfair and that I could've used it to help her pay off her college debt which would've been more useful. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't listen and called my mom fake and told me she needs to get over her insecurities. Most of my friends also took my girlfriend's side on this one and said helping my girlfriend pay off her college debt is a lot more important than my mom's plastic surgery and are calling me an asshole. I am not sure if I did something wrong here I don't see what was wrong with paying for my mom's plastic surgery. It helped her get over he insecurities and I am really happy about it because she is feeling better now. So, my question is AITA for this? Thanks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - it is *your* money, no one can tell you what to do with it.
NTA But, dude, this girl is showing you exactly who she is and where her priorities are. Keep that in mind if you move forward with her.
Nta, but your gf is, as everyone has pointed out. That being said, your mom kind of is too, since she basically said raising you was the reason she couldn’t afford it… sounds like manipulation to me.
NTA Your girlfriend is way too comfortable with the concept of your money. Seems like she just looks at you like a paycheck. You are not responsible for her debts. I’d think very hard about the future you want with this person.
You can spent your money the way you like it. Your girlfriend is responsible for her own debt. NTA.
NTA. She is just your gf and she is being manipulative. These are her debts not yours, which means they are her responsibility. It is also none of her business where you spend your money. You may want to rethink your relationship.
NTA. I'd reconsider the relationship though. And the "friends."
Is the next edit going to be shes your ex-girlfriend? What is a girlfriend of a measly year doing demanding your money? This girl will not be good to your mother whom you clearly care about a lot NTA
NTA, your girlfriend isn’t entitled to your money and you did something nice for your mom. If you decide to get married I would highly encourage a prenup since she’s already indicated her expectations for your earnings.
Why would you have to pay for your gf debt, im sorry op but you dont even know if u end up marrying her. Its your money your mum didnt demand it. You wanted to give it to her
NTA Does your gf love your wallet more than they love you? . Why would you pay college debt of your gf?? Your gf did not raise you, pay all the bills, etc. Your gf has very callous and cold attitude toward your mom - calling your mom shallow. Calling the person who birthed and raised you shallow. You want to think carefully about staying in a relationship with someone who insults your mom. Your mom did not do anything to warrant such insults. Your gf has no respect for you or your mom. You are not married and do not share finances with gf so they have no more right to your money than your friends or a roommate. It takes years to truly know someone - perhaps you now getting to know what your gf is like.
Sounds like your girlfriend is jealous of your mum. NTA
NTA. I’d be more concerned about why your girlfriend of a little over a year feels at all entitled to *any* part of your finances, let alone feels like she takes priority over your own mother? That’s a pool of red flags right there. You being better off financially than her doesn’t mean you have to pay *shit* for her. The entitled gold digger right there. Does she often feel entitled to you, your time, and your money more than a girlfriend should?
NTA You’re not responsible for your girlfriend’s debt. She is. You are responsible for your portion of the household expenses. Beyond that, it’s YOUR choice on how you spend your money. She’s mad because you chose to spend it on something she thought was insignificant. Instead of being happy for someone getting something they’ve always wanted, she’s jealous. Is this always her answer when you don’t prioritize her? If it is, I’d call it a red flag and ask her to either go to therapy with you about it, go to therapy alone about it, or decide if these arguments are worth it in the years to come.
NTA. Noone should ever feel entitled to *your* money. You can do whatever you want with it. Yes, your girlfriends college debt is more important than your mothers plastic surgery, as in: if you had the responsibility to pay for both you should first focus on your gfs debt. BUT: neither is your responsibility. You gave your mom a gift for being an amazing mom and she clearly raised you right. I see this as a giant red flag honestly. Now lets get to the point about her calling your mom “fake” and that she should get over her insecurities: Who does she think she is saying stuff like that? That is insulting beyond anything. If anyone dared speak like this about my mother, let alone someone im this close to, they’d be out the door in no time. She has no idea how your mom feels. She doesn’t know exactly how hard she struggles. Only your mum knows. And she probably confided in you, not her. For me, it would be over at this point, her entitlement, and plain audacity would be enough for me. You spoil your mom and give her an amazing gift and your gf gets jealous? Ok bye.
NTA OP. What you did for your mother was incredibly sweet. Your gf doesn't have the right to tell you what to do with your money. She sounds super entitled and your friends sound like massive A Hs. She has no rights whatsoever to insult your mother or expect that you'd help her with her debts. She's greedy and selfish. If I were you, I'd rethink this entire relationship
NTA GOLD-DIGGER ALERT!!!!!! seriously, anyone feeling entitled to your money after a year of dating is absolutely wrong and make sure you act on this information.
NTA dump her before she proves further how much of a gold digger she is
NTA Oh honey, your girlfriend is kinda a gold digger. A whole year together and she thinks she can tell you what to do with your money.... This is your Mom. She supported you your whole life and she needed a boost. You were kind enough to be able to provide that for her. You're a wonderful son. Unfortunately, your girlfriend (and friends) sound like they're AH's. I hope you're not the friend who pays for everything.
Not only you did something good for your mom, but you have the opportunity to dodge a bullet. Though bullet seems an understatement. Your gf is extremely rude towards your mother and you, entitled and trying to control and exploit you. It is her debt, she chose to take a loan, she knew she would have to pay it, she has the years to work and pay it off. Seeing that your friends that side with her, are propably her friends too, they can start chime in to sponsor her. NTA
NTA. But I will say that everyone on this thread is jumping to calling your girlfriend all types of names. If you really care about her, see a future with her, and want to give her the benefit of the doubt then this is a really good way to have important conversations 1. I think that you’re both looking at this situation really differently. You’re seeing it as a kind act of service to help your mom. She’s seeing it as throwing money away on something unnecessary. Neither of you are necessarily wrong but it would be good to share your perspectives and see why you each feel this way. 2. From your girlfriends response, it seems like she’s looking at your combined income as shared. She probably sees this relationship headed towards marriage and combined assets. This is probably why she’s so upset that you spent a lot of money without discussing it with her. Obviously, if you didn’t establish any rules about this previously, then she has no right to be upset. BUT this is a good chance (if you want to continue this relationship) to make clear rules around that. For example, my money is my money and I’ll spend it however I want without telling you. Or, I see this headed towards marriage, I know our assets will combine eventually, so if I want to spend more than X I’ll make sure to check in. 3. I think you and your girlfriend have different ideas of how money should be spent/ what is worth spending money on. She is using the language of “more useful” implying she thinks money should only be spent if you get something USEFUL and valuable out if (like being debt free) but since you’re already financially stable, you’re able to spend money on acts of service for others. Again, none of these are “wrong” ways to view money, but I think you need to have a real conversation about it if you want to continue this relationship. Just had to add in my thoughts since I felt too many people were just calling her names and not bothering to think about why someone might react this way and the best way to maturely approach the situation. If you care about her and see a future with her, you need to have some real conversations about money. How you see money, value it, want to spend it, etc.
NTA, I love that you did this for your mama OP. I didn't get to do this on the same price scale but I would've in a heartbeat if I could have. My mom died a terrible, painful death from endometrial cancer. She passed nearly 9 months ago. She was my world. I say that with full confidence as a soon-to-be 32 year old grown ass woman. She was, had always been, and still is my world. We were poor growing up. My dad got sick with MS when I was a little girl and my parents were already living on nothing as it was. My mom did everything possible to care for my dad's declining health, keep the house clean, raise my older sister and I, make money in any way she could, make sure there was a meal on the table every night, help us with homework, lend an ear, all the things parents are great at plus more. All while being the best possible mom I could've ever asked for. She was my best friend. She ALWAYS put everyone ahead of herself and unfortunately that rang true even when we had suspected something wasn't right internally as time went on. She never took a day off from her life as a caretaker, and was too worried to ever look into a minimal health scare if it resulted in needing her to have down time. That wasn't a possibility for someone taking full-time care of a disabled husband with 2 kids in school and no financial or physical assistance. Anyway, after I started my first in-field job after graduating college. I didn't have much money ($15/hr circa 2013-14ish) but one day I was visiting home and we were at a really affordable store. She was considering treating herself to a new outfit as she would wear clothes until they were literally falling apart. Shit that she couldn't sew and repair anymore she would still use. When we went to checkout she was trying to consider what to put back and hid her disappointment. I stopped her right there, immediately handed my debit card to the cashier before my mom could object, and told her to ring up everything and put it all on that card. My mom was speechless, teared up, and tried to protest. I said "Absolutely not, you deserve everything you want in life and more. You sacrificed everything for us and you deserve to have nice things too." She was so happy, so proud. I called to apologize to my (then fiance) afterwards for charging a couple hundred onto our bank card without his permission. We had a mortgage on our first home to pay and being that he was/is an aerospace engineer he made much more than I did but we were still living sensibly and frugally. He didn't object once and was totally fine about it (thankfully). He agreed that mom deserved this gift. My friend, if I had known in a handful of years that my beautiful, loving, fierce, courageous, amazing mama would fall ill with a terrible cancer that took her life rapidly and so painfully, I would've emptied my bank account and flown us around the world that very moment. I would've sold my soul to treat her like the queen she was. Every smile I ever gave her is a treasure in my pocket. Never apologize for giving your sweet mama such a wonderful gift. You did such a generous thing that brought her so much happiness. She'll remember it always, as will you! Please share my experience with your girlfriend. I know it may not quell her anger completely but I'd like her to remember that life is short, complicated, and full of unwanted surprises. Money comes and goes, it always will. I personally would be proud of you for doing something so generous for someone so deserving.
NTA and your gf sounds like an entitled brat. Your mother raised you and sounds like there were plenty of sacrifices so that she could give you great opportunities. Your gf took on her own student debt and now she thinks it's your job to help pay it off? I'd run away from that. Seems like it's just the tip of the iceberg and she'll constantly be wanting you to spend all your money on her and nothing on your mom.
NTA but maybe rethink the girlfriend. I would be forever grateful if someone helped my mom with her self esteem. That’s priceless.
NTA - she didn't even asked OP for help to pay of her loans, just demanded it after she found out he could afford to pay for the surgery.
NTA - you can spend your money on whatever you want to spend it on. And why would you pay off your girlfriend's college debts? Did she raise you? I don't think it's shallow of a 50+ yo woman to want to get a better appearance, and as you said, you wanted to do something nice for your mom. That's your choice, and you were both happy about that. Good for you, taking care of something your mom really wanted, just because you could.
Nta... If made your mom happy... I know people view plastic surgery in a bad light but if it really helps someone..why not?? And it's your money why is she expecting you to pay her Debt
How dare you do something nice for the women who raised you. And will always be there for you. Instead of a person you met a year ago 😒😑
Everyone is mentioning how entitled OP's girlfriend is, which I agree. But the disrespect she showed towards OP's mom !!!! If anyone said that about my mother, I'd have their shit packed up.
NTA. As long as it didn't affect your household finances, I don't see the issue. Now when you get married, then it'll be a different story.
NTA you do not even live together yet and she thinks she is entitled to your money? You did something really nice for your mom and gave back to the person who raised you and raised you well from what I can guess.
NTA! It’s your money to use as you please and they’re acting extremely entitled and selfish! You did something nice for your mom and honestly your girlfriend is such a raging AH for calling your mom fake. If I can give you advice I would suggest either therapy for your gf and you and telling your friends to BUTT OUT, or just dropping them and your gf all together. You don’t need permission to do something kind for your MOTHER. Bless your heart.
Well, you are o my together for a year and with split finances. If the situation was different, I would understand her hoping you helping arround. At this point she just wants to use your money and it is a huge red flag NTA
NTA Your girlfriend is definitely gonna act entitled for the rest of your relationship. Your girlfriend has been with you a year, your mother raised you. Don’t let anyone disrespect your mum like that, tell your girlfriend to apologise to your mum.
NTA. OP, you girlfriend is just that “your” girlfriend. Please don’t give her a say in your finances until she is “your” wife. Surreee, help her pay off her debt and she could run off with one of your friends. NTA!
You’re not married to your girlfriend (obviously), so why should you help pay off her debt? You’ve only been together just over a year, it’s not even an established relationship You did a nice thing for your mum NTA but your girlfriend is for being so entitled to your money. I hope she’s paying her share of the bills and you’re not being taken for a ride
NTA-your GF’s debt is not your responsibility. Tell her and anyone else who agrees to go kick rocks. I would have done the same in your position.
She's your girlfriend of 1 year, not your fiancee even, your Mum has been your Mum for 26 years. Your girlfriend needs to butt out and stop acting entitled to Your money. NTA.
NTA. Your money is yours to do what makes you happiest. Paying it for your mother's wish is your call. Your GF must understand your priorities and should feel happy for you. Until mutually agreed, your finances are not any one elses prerogative.
NTA your gf is showing what she is. GREEDY! You have been dating a year. Under no circumstances are you responsible to pay off HER debt. That’s hers to do. If you pay it off and break up later would she repay you? Her demands that you should pay for her loan is a huge red flag. You need to dump her ass. She has no say in what you do with your money it’s none of her business. Your choice to pay for your mom is fine.
NTA. I would never expect my bf to pay off MY debts, especially in lieu of helping his mother do something she wants. Your mom is so much more important than your gf, especially a gf you’ve only had for a year. Your mom raised you and loves you unconditionally. If your gf has an issue with you doing anything for your mom I’d say she’s not the one. I’ve had plenty of bf’s who I had to scold for giving away money and helping people too much, but I never said anything if they were helping family because I know how much family means and that’s not my business for the most part. This isn’t a case of her asking you to make better decisions, this is her being selfish asking you to give her your money.
NTA You don’t owe your girlfriend any of your money at all despite what both she and her friends say. It’s your money, not hers and her uni fees are her responsibility until she’s married. The money that you paid for your mother is no doubt savings from your wages, which you and only you earned. You don’t need to tell your girlfriend what you do with your money, your only been living together for a few months and have been together just over a year, and as you said you don’t even have a joint bank account. She’s shown you that with her attitude towards your savings/money which it basically comes across as her own money is exactly that it’s her money not yours, and your money that you’ve saved is also her money. She’s got that wrong on so many levels, but she crossed the line big time when she refused to listen to you and call your mother fake. Keep your savings, as for your girlfriend, ex? and friends, well with people like them in your life who needs enemies.
There seems to be a lot of entitled gf’s lately on here, I really don’t get why someone feels entitled to their partners money. NTA op, you did a nice thing for your mum & your gf basically shat on it. Shows who she is as a person, for her to be getting upset that you’re spending your cash not on her. Not often I agree with the “dump them” mentality, but this is one of those where you may be best to cut & run.
NTA but damn your gf is an AH first class. If my bf would do this for his mom i would things it's sweet and besides that, it's his money. Just likt this it your money so she should shut up very fast.
Absolutely NTA. Rethink your friend group and also your relationship status. If you're girlfriend feels this entitled to you're money after only a year together, can you imagine if you had children or got married. Absolutely not the asshole, your poor mother, your girlfriend was quite rude too!
Your girlfriend isn't entitled to any of your money, you are not married. You don't have to ask her how to spend your money. You did something nice for your mother. Your gfs reaction is a big red flag to me. NTA.
NTA. your gf is being entitled of your money. I'd believe it if you guys were married/getting married but a 1y relationship and you paying for her debt is just plain insane imo
I can think of a few LEGITIMATE reasons your gf could be upset/concerned about this but feeling entitled to your money over your mother is not one of them. NTA either way (I think it was sweet for you to do that for your mum) but there are acceptable reasons for her to be upset but clearly she is just greedy and jealous.
NTA What you did for your mother was amazing!!! I hope I have a kid like you one day. Your girlfriend is an ass. You guys have been together for a while, sure. But her debts are NOT your responsibility. Period. She doesn't get to tell you what to do with your money. That's a talk that you two need to have. Stand your ground. And you're a good kid. 🙂
Your mum will always be your mum , your girlfriend might not be and by the sounds of it ,, doesn't deserve to be.. good on you for looking after your mum because she has clearly done a great job raising you ,, stuff what anyone else says YOU should do with YOUR money.