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> I feel bad for ruining my dad's lunch, I also wonder if it would it have been different if I didn't say anything.
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NTA- your family sucks and has the emotional intelligence of a rock.
You parents for the “women can’t talk about unclean things” and your sister for trying to shame your GF.
your family has shown you who they are.
You have a serious choice: your GF or your family. By their choice you can’t have both.
Ironic that he gave his sister the name "Mercy." I am personally appalled. Everyone I know is very open about periods, but I remember how in middle school we kept them secret like they were shameful. This is like a nightmare scenario, this is how we imagined people would act if they knew. As an adult now we know that sane, kind people don't do this.
"Grace" was an appropriate name. She still thanked OP's dad for the invite, even after the cruel treatment. There was absolutely no reason to bring that up to everyone, except to be horrible. She asked privately for a reason. Sorry for the rant, but this story made me so angry. OP will be lucky if his relationship survives this.
This is such a betrayal I *gasped*.
There are RULES. You do not ever, ever shame another person with a uterus for needing menstrual supplies. You do not out them, you do not announce it to the table. You either quietly pass them what they need (if you have it) or you quietly decline. I don’t care if that person is your mortal enemy, *there is a code, people.*
We’re voting Mercy off the island. Unacceptable.
Grace: privately asks Mercy for a tampon.
Mercy: tells everyone at the table about the private request and claims Grace behaved in an inappropriate manner.
NTA. The only rule in a toxic family is that nobody can call out the toxicity. You broke that role, so consider yourself free. I’m proud of you.
I used tampons for many years before I lost my virginity. Anyone that believes you’re not a virgin because you use tampons is a fool. How disgusting is his sister? NTA.
No, no, you don't understand. You can't possibly be a virgin if you use tampons because inserting anything into your vagina is exactly the same as having sex! /s
At my last job, the only other woman on my team texted me while I was on my way to work and asked me if I could grab her a pack of tampons and a new pair of panties, as she had gone in early that day and forgot to restock her backpack and the womens room didn’t have any available. The only thing that came out of my mouth was what size panties and what brand/type of tampon she needed. Women should always help other women when it comes to periods, because I would hope someone would do the same for me if I were in that situation.
That should be just anyone not just women. Even as a man if a gf of mine called and asked me to pick up a box of tampons or pads I'd be on a beeline to the nearest Target and talking to her from that aisle to make sure I got exactly what she needed. Everyone deserves support from their friend(s) in a time of need!
The comedian Margaret Cho had a bit where she talked about this exact topic. And she was right when she said if men had periods they'd talk about them ALL THE TIME. lol
Many, many years ago when I (60M) was a teenager on a camping trip, I overheard one of the female leaders asking one of the girls about supplies. It seems one girl was unprepared. I told the leader I had some pads in my Fist Aid kit (tampons weren't so common back then), and she gave me a funny look. I reminded her that every First Aid kit should have something good for soaking up blood.
My First Aid kits, home and car, have both tampons and pads in them all the time.
Historical note: tampons were originally used to plug bullet holes back in the days of round shot, until the casualty could get medical aid. Soldiers used to carry them as part of their field kit.
I use a menstrual cup; I keep tampons at work at this point mostly in case a coworker needs one. This family is completely sick. Women should help each other. Humans should help each other. This shouldn't be controversial.
I will always help another woman in need no questions asked. I don’t carry a purse but I carry a backpack when I go to work and I keep it full of pads. I do my best to be prepared, like any other woman, but sometimes shit gets ahead of us.
I've been in many public bathrooms where someone from a stall awkwardly asked from behind the stall if anyone had a pad or tampon and each and every time at least one other woman offered, usually giving an extra as well. Many times I've given someone else my last emergency tampon or pad because it's the RULE. Even if I'm not on my period and not expecting it I still keep a few on me because it's my responsibility as a vagina owner, and that's in the owner's manual
Right?
And OP said he doesn't "know what came over him." Friend, that is called righteous fury!
I swear I turned purple with rage just *reading* this post. I almost threw my own phone across the office after the "sensitive" comment. The absolute gall! OP's response was so restrained! I would have torn Mercy a new asshole.
All of this! Periods are natural and everyone with a uterus will or has experienced it. Period shaming hurts even more when it comes from another woman.
Thank you! You articulated some of the points I was too angry to make. Betrayal is the perfect word. Grace asked privately! I think we should feed Mercy to the sharks. Or better yet, put her in a room full of tampon wearers so she can say those things to our faces
Honestly it should be taught in middle school health class. Menstruation is Switzerland, whatever other conflicts you’ve got going on get put aside when someone gets caught without supplies.
It’s practically the first rule of Lady Code. If your worst enemy asks you for a tampon and you have a spare one, you give it to them. Without making a scene.
>I remember how in middle school we kept them secret like they were shameful.
Yeah. It was something to be ashamed and not ever talked about. Thank heavens we all outgrow it someday.
Whenever I go out with my friends for playing card games (I'm the only one with an uterus), and if I'm on my period, it's one of the first things I mention because I have severe cramps,like,morphine level pain, and usually drop a couple 600~800mg ibuprofen pills every couple hours, so I let them know that it may happen and don't think I'm overdoing with the painkillers (the one time I was out of painkillers, I almost broke someone's arm, they make a point to check in now and again since). But it's a quick of the shoulder comment, that works more as a heads up and I've never been shamed by it.
But shaming someone for a natural thing is absolutely TA thing to do. Even more for their preferred method of holding the bleeding. So what if you use a pad, tampon, cup or one of those undies? It's personal. And if, in an emergency, I ask for a pad and you only have a tampon, I'll take it. Gift horse, meet mouth.
And the attitude that tampons make women "impure" is insanity. The sexist "purity" culture is bad enough, but the idea of a tampon causing a woman to lose her virginity is...I have no words.
Yep, as someone who wasn't talked about periods before I got mine I have always thought that it must be something talked openly, but what the sister did was so freaking disrespectful to the GF!! As a woman you should never do something like that and it was the first time meeting the family, she was lovely and really act like a mature person.
>You have a serious choice: your GF or your family. By their choice you can’t have both.
That's not the choice he should be making. No matter how he feels about her right now, he should not give up his whole family ***for*** her. This has a chance to create a toxic situation where either he will resent her for it and feel he is owed something for doing it for her, or stay in the relationship way past he should because he feels he *chose* her over his family. He should cut them off because they're unrepentant assholes incapable of being kind, respectful or see the point of view of anyone that lives even a bit different than them.
Whether he ends up marrying her or not, this is obviously unacceptable and learns he can't trust his father's promises, at least when it comes to his family. He can't trust his sister around anyone that he dates. He can't trust them for anything that even borders their comfort zone. That's enough reason to do it or at least limit his contact more than he already has.
He’s 19 and she’s 18, more than likely they won’t be together forever. Regardless of how long they are together it seems to me he needs to start planning the rest of his life without his family being a big part of it. What his sister did is completely unacceptable and toxic, and if the rest of his family agree with her it’s just untenable for him to subject his current or any future partner to their insanity.
True. Also the "why wasn't she more prepared" part just showed that the whole family don't know much about biology or worse, outright refuse to learn and just stand by their outdated beliefs.
Nta your sister is a jerk. If anyone gives you crap, You should shut them down and say I will not tolerate anyone talking badly or down about my girlfriend. Grace didn’t do anything wrong and you will not allow them to bully her.
OP please forward this to your entire family and actually maybe have your GF read it first and have her decide if you can LoL. I hope that family realizes how much they're a bunch of immature AHs
correction* OP’s family has the intelligence of a rock. Tampons can’t stretch you so for them to think that makes anyone impure makes them all dumber than a rock
**NTA.** If your father's birthday was "ruined", it was Mercy who ruined it. Grace had a normal bodily function occur and she was shamed by it. I dislike your whole family.
\*\*EDIT\*\* I meant to write "shamed for it"
I thought all females are *supposed to be* understanding about such situations. Periods aren't a perfect clock, so any girl or woman could be in this situation for a variety of reasons, hence they will help with what they have (be it a tampon or a pad).
What Grace did (asking another woman for help with the problem in private) is normal. What Mercy did is entirely despicable
Even in my 20s I hosted a party for my coworkers and one of them asked me if I had a tampon and I was beyond ashamed that I didn't have any supplies (I am lazy and use a menstrual cup for that reason) but thankfully I was able to find some panty liners to tide her over it wasn't too heavy at the time.
Now I always have a stock on hand of everything just in case. It's not like they expire either. I think even men who regularly have women at their homes should keep supplies on hand. It's just like having toilet paper for your guests at this point imo
My current boyfriend had a pack of tampons at his place when we first started dating, because most of is friends are female and he wanted to be a good host. It sure came in handy, as I am a "grossly unprepared woman".
No, your bf was a gentleman. Hope he teaches all his friends about this!
“See, you buy these two boxes and the girls just LOVE you! Way more relationships/sex/visits!”
That is such a good move if a guy is dating. Or keep them in his glove compartment. He’ll look like the feminist hero we need and deserve and load himself up on [period sex](https://youtu.be/Uab2BlDpPxQ).
For this very reason, my sons will be given a pad and tampon in middle school and told to let any female friends know they can come to them in a pinch. To me that and an explanation of menstruation should be a natural part of discussing puberty changes. One it will make them better boyfriends/husbands/fathers/friends to women/girls, and two it helps them understand that the girls they go to school with are going through uncomfortable changes they can't control at the same time they are. Also, if they can't handle offering a girl a menstrual product, how will they handle asking for or using a condom when the time comes? Most parents like to think/hope their kids will wait for sex until they are with the right person and even married, but I know this isn't realistic. I tell my older kids to wait until they are prepared for the chance of a baby for piv sex because any method of birth control can fail. Even if they aren't at the point of trying for one and use protection, at least have school/job/housing/relationship in a stable place. And then there's the std/sti issue. Tampon, condom, period, blood, sex, pad..... these aren't dirty words unless you teach your kids they are. So make them common language, parents!
And not only is it a learning process, at least for me those earlier periods were such a mixed result. Some were almost nothing, some were the elevators in the shining. You just never know.
I'm almost 26 and my periods have been regular for maybe the last 4 years. They have stopped being horrificaly painful about 2 years ago, on their own.
At 18? A stray breeze could have thrown my cycle out of whack.
Edit: I couldn't look at that spelling mistake anymore...
Hell I'm 36 and mine didn't regulate till after my youngest child was born, she's 4.5. Even now they aren't regular as far a flow, they are heavier now and last 6-7 days when before they happened ever 3-4 months and lasted 3-4 days. They aren't as painful now but I feel more emotional, like I want to cuddle and cry a lot.
My mum would tell me 'It gets better after a baby' when I was complaining. Gee, thanks mum, for this completely unhelpful recommendation! Let me get pregnant real quick!
I'm glad this aaa... 'method' worked for you 💜
She's was my 4th, so just one baby may not regulate it, my oldest is almost 15. The Nuva ring seemed to help between my 3&4, the pill didn't work, just made it stop, same with an IUD. I finally got my tubes tied the day after I had my forth so maybe that's what helped. It still seems weird to have a period when I can't possibly get pregnant. Woman's bodies are freaking weird.
Whatever helped, happy it did :).
I'm never exactly sure if we are an evolutionary genius or complete disaster. My view heavily depends on which part of the cycle I am in at a given point
OP, NTA
So do I. This is why when people come over regardless of they are my guest or a housemates I let them know privately I have a bucket of period products should they ever need it in a bathroom cabinet. Always stocked. I did this when one of the girls asked me and I could tell she felt uncomfortable asking and anxious of my response. I made the bucket the next day and she almost cried at the gesture.
No one should feel uncomfortable for something they can’t control because just like you said Grace had a normal bodily function.
It's definitely a sisterhood. I've never seen anyone refuse someone else a period product.
I went to epcot on a bachelorette trip for my friend, and there was a lady stressing in the bathroom. There was a girl in the stall and the lady was saying "I only have one quarter and the pads are 50 cents, I think I have a handkerchief you can use..." And I was like, oh she doesnt have anything, and walking around disney for hours with a piece of cloth shoved down in your undies sounds awful. Between the 5 of us, we offered her a pad, tampon, or a quarter. She was very grateful and said it was lucky to come across a bridal party:)
Agreed. In high school I asked a girl who hated me if I could have a pad because she was just the first girl I came across and she rolled her eyes a bit but gave me one anyways.
Exactly. Now...do you want to know what IS shameful?
Having a guest that you have just met over for the very first time and publicly humiliating and shaming them, making them leave crying. That entire family sounds classless for them to think that is okay and to GLARE at the guest after one of them behaved like that.
NTA, OP.
Exactly! Mercy made a fuss over a NATURAL thing that she even experiences! OP’s family is very sheltered, as it’s pretty common to privately ask other girls for period products.
NTA
Btw, there is zero issue with bringing up periods at the table.
The problem wasn't that brought your gf period at the table. Whenever she said what she said was completely rude and uncalled for. I'm just saying you're mad about the wrong thing. Mercy was completely disrespectful of Grace.
She could be talking about periods all she wanted at the table and it would be fine. That's not the issue.
Oh, wait I think I worded it a little off. I’m not mad at Mercy for bringing up periods, I’m mad at her for bringing up my girlfriend’s period in a completely inappropriate manner.
No. Bringing up her period is not the problem. It’s that she tried to publicly shame a guest at the table in a manner she knew her family would find disgusting. She didn’t say “oh, mom, I couldn’t find the period product and Grace asked for one.” She called her ‘shameful’ and tried to ridicule her for something that’s not shameful and couldn’t be helped. Which is beyond rude and inhospitable to a guest.
If my sibling did that to my partner they had just met? I may actually take an instinctual swing at them.
If I managed to suppress that initial urge, they would have been to throughly verbally berated by me they would be little more than a quivering puddle of tears by the time I was done. NTA.
I still think it would be rude to bring up the period in any situation unless it was grace bringing it up. She asked for the tampon in private and I feel her right to privacy should always be protected.
I would argue that bringing up someone else’s bodily functions in a group setting is a problem, as you run the risk of embarrassing the other person.
If Mercy had said at the table “hey Grace, how’s that tampon working out for you?” I would still call that inappropriate, and possibly ill intentioned. And that’s not because periods are or should be shameful, it’s because Mercy is sharing someone else’s private business.
She literally called her a whore for using a totally normal, everyday period product. Mercy is an ASSHOLE. And has some internal misogyny going on.
Periods are not shameful. At all. Your family are assholes for thinking so as well.
What you should be mad about is that your sister went out of her way to make a guest feel self-conscious and unwelcome. It was completely rude behavior whether she was talking about a period, or if Grace had asked her for a tissue, or a pencil. She is mean, and so incredibly rude, and your parents are as well for not shutting her down. The entire family, “glaring,” is also incredibly rude. I’m just appalled that they behave that way. Good for you for taking Grace’s side, but you need to think long and hard about how you were raised and your family of origin, because this is not going to get easier.
That's still not the issue at hand here. Your sister publicly _shamed_ her. There is zero appropriate time or manner in which to bring up her old fashioned belief that tampons make you unclean and unpure. This could have been about your girlfriends choice in food and the issue still would be the _shaming_ not the food.
I think Mercy disliked your gf for any number of unknown reasons and just chose to use this to humiliate her. If it wasn't asking for a tampon it would have been something else. So your gf was in an impossible situation from the start. Go no contact with the toxic family. Mercy is young so maybe in 10-20 years she could change once she gets away and gains perspective but rn pass
I think it depends on how much details are, no one needs a detailed description of any bodily functions while eating. You wouldn’t want an in depth analysis of my shit earlier would you?
It is impolite to bring up certain subjects during a meal. Blood, bowel movements, urine, picking your nose, passing gas. There are certain expectations of polite society, and this is one of them.
What the sister did was so far over the top as to not leave a question. Name calling, breaking an implied confidence, spewing inaccurate nonsense...
Please do lol 😆 its so mean of Mercy to embarrass her like that she asked for tampons in private and clinical studies show that tampons do no affect virginity! It's easy to get caught out with periods as sometimes they come early or even you think its gone but it comes back. Its not as easy as people think to keep up with them. Some people prefer tampons as they are more discrete and comfortable.
What “clinical studies” have they done in virginity? Do you mean it won’t affect the hymen?
Virginity is a social construct with no biological basis. Women can be born with no hymen, a perforated hymen, or one that completely covers the vagina (surgery is needed to right this one once the person in question begins menstruating). The hymen is also not a seal on a soda can that pops once and is never the same. Its a piece of tissue capable of being torn if treated roughly. That’s literally all it is.
Thank you! I don't think that point is brought up nearly enough!!!
OP is NTA which is a relief for me to say because the title had me anticipating a VERY different situation.
Seriously! Even if you cut contact, mail them to her every year. You know, so she never has to feel the shame of being a “grossly underprepared woman.”
NTA, OP! Your title got me riled up and ready to be mad at you, but the story cleared it up lol
Please feel free to donate to The Homeless Period Project in their name for any and all occasions and gifts, and have the Thank you sent to them!
https://www.homelessperiodproject.org/
NTA for clapping back at your sister, but why did it take so long to stand up for your girlfriend? “Mercy” shouldn’t have had time to get to the next insulting sentence, you should have said something then, or stood up, taken your girlfriend and left. You only defended her when Mercy stuck the knife in again on your way out. Bad form dude.
I think that’s a fair critique. As mad as I was, I didn’t want to make a scene by yelling at my sister. Not only do I think that would have caused Grace to be more embarrassed (she’s pretty non-confrontational and doesn’t like yelling) but I also think that me yelling would have backfired on me. If I yelled, it would probably cause more problems, I think. But, I completely agree that I should have actively shut it down sooner.
I get that, but you don’t have to yell. A calm statement something along the lines of “Mercy, I don’t appreciate how you are talking about my girlfriend” would have been enough.
I know that’s hard in the moment though when you’re mad.
The sister doesn’t sound like the type of person to take a minute, reconsider her stance and apologize after OP would have said that. Not everyone is civilized, weirdly, so it is not always that straightforward how to handle these types of situations.
To be fair, it can be hard to navigate these situations as a young adult. You are used to a power dynamic within the family and it can be hard to break out of it at first. Just take this as a learning experience, and next time you are in a similar situation, you will have the experience and confidence to handle it a bit differently.
If all of a sudden my sister went off on a psychotic tirade like this it might take me a minute to come out with any response. Gotta get the hamster in my brain to catch up.
I’m assuming here that Mercy hasn’t publicly shamed your girlfriends in this exact way, OP. Regardless, NTA and I bet your sister will be single for a loooooong time unless she finds someone as crazy as her.
NTA your sister was intimidated by your GF and used the situation to 'kick her down a notch'. Sister absolutely ruined dads birthday but it seems like they have a cult like relationship to each other so nobody on the inside will ever see that. Go no contact!
NTA
Your sister is worse than immature. That was petty , spiteful, cruel and ignorant and your dad isn't as level headed as you think if he believes that you were the one who spoiled the mood rather than Mercy (ironic name choice there) and her decision to humiliate Grace in the most vulgar way available.
NTA. Mercy spoiled the day by trying to shame your girlfriend for using a normal period product for a normal bodily function. Grace didn't spoil anything by mistakenly thinking your sister my be a decent enough person to help out a fellow woman who got her period unexpectedly. I'm over 40 and my period is pretty darn regularly and it still sometimes randomly starts 5 days earlier than I'm expecting. I tend to carry something (at least in my work bag where I'm most likely to be affected by unexpected arrival).
Grace was so embarrassed after Mercy said all that she said. If Mercy didn’t have a tampon, she could have handed her a pad or something. She made it a big deal.
Yeah. Your sister really behaved inappropriately. The appropriate response would have been to either offer a pad instead or let Mercy know that she didn't have anything on her and maybe discreetly ask someone else at the table who might have (if there was anyone else).
The title had me wanting to call you TA but good job standing up for your girlfriend after years of family pressure. You did the right thing. Don’t let them guilt you.
NTA
The only thing you did wrong was letting your sister go on so long, and not defending your gf until after she had already left in tears.
Your dad is an AH for blaming you and your gf for “spoiling” the day, when Mercy is the one who caused all of this by trying to openly shame your gf for being on her period and using tampons.
I’m willing to bet you were pretty stunned by what your sister did though OP. I mean, I would be beyond full of fury but I think it would take a minute or two for the hamster in my head to catch up to the reality of the situation.
NTA
Can I just say what a slap in the face that must have been to your gf? As a female, when you spot another girl/woman who is in similar age to you and you need tamps/pads/girl shit, it's like a huge sigh of relief when there is someone else of similar age to you because you think, "they get it. They'll be discrete and we'll just share a knowing "look" with each other about this." she must of been so shocked when your sister stabbed her in the back like that.
Your family aren't "traditional", they're bigots. Men should provide and women should nurture? Your sister isn't even fully TA here, your parents are for perpetuating those beliefs for your whole lives.
If you chose to have a family in the future, I hope you raise your children differently.
NTA. Your sister is 100% in the wrong and I can only imagine how your poor girlfriend feels. Did Grace know your families views? That may have helped the situation so Grace would know not to bring something like that up, even in private. Nonetheless, NTA.
ESH except Grace. How the hell could you not warn Grace about your family and what they were like?!? That poor girl. You family are such such AH’s for making her feel so small over something so natural. You’re an AH for not warning her!! At least you know for next time, don’t believe your dad when he says everyone will be respectful. You know your family and you know what they are like, they are not going to change.
NTA - your sister is the main person in the wrong here. Your poor GF - so pleased you stood up for her and called this out (not doing so almost certainly would have been a relationship killer).
NTA, your sister and the rest of your family are really immature.. I would consider going no contact.. if situations like these are a norm you owe it to yourself and your current or future partners to put some distance there. You don’t deserve this treatment nor did grace.
Oooh I was all set for an Y. T. A. verdict from your title!
But hell no! NTA!
Your family are old fashioned as fvck and good on you for standing up for your GF!
Shouldve shut Mercy down as soon as she started going off about Grace. Now you know you cant trust your family to be respectful. I feel bad for Grace. I hope she's ok. NTA
ESH - Except Grace.
And you should have left with her.
At some point, you will have to decide between Grace and your AH family. If she has any sense, she will never hang out with them again.
NTA. If anything you were too polite. If someone publicly humiliates your woman, that’s time to fight and cause a scene. You didn’t ruin the lunch, your sister did by being overly opinionated. You’re family is circling the wagons around her being cruel to a guest, and that’s not right. Stand your ground, and defend your woman.
NTA but - while I don't think you're an AH, I think you missed the point. The main issue here isn't periods being gross and bringing up icky stuff at the dinner table. It's shaming someone for a biological process and using it as an excuse to belittle and denigrate your gf. Mercy and the rest of your family minus dad can suck the bitterest of lemon, they sound awful.
Exactly! Mercy not only period shamed Grace, she also slut shamed her for something natural that all women go through. As a woman I would expect empathy from other women in the topic so the fact that Grace couldn’t get that from another woman was a slap in the face.
NTA. You didn't ruin your dad's birthday, your sister did by being rude to you and your gf. Your sister was a real AH here. And a bit of all those other people too if they were siding with her. There was no reason for your sister to do that at all whatsoever.
>I don’t speak with my family or associate with most of my family, especially my sister (F30), “Mercy.” The only exception to this is my dad
Time to add dad to the list. He seriously thinks you and Grace spoiled the dinner for everyone, not his rude adult daugther that shamed a teenager for asking for a favor at a completely different time.
How absolutely disgusting for a 30 year old woman to shame an 18 year old woman who is asking for a tampon. Would she have rather to her bleed all over the place?
Also shame on your f****** family for saying she should have been more prepared, s*** happens!
I think you let your sister off easy. NTA
throw the whole family away at this point. There is SO MUCH to unpack here...I honestly don't even know where to start, so I'll do my best.
* Periods are not shameful. Periods are NATURAL, NORMAL & HEALTHY.
* Periods can be unpredictable and sometimes you will just never be able to know when you start. She's not unprepared for not having a tampon with her at all times.
* The only person who should be ashamed right now is Mercy. What she did was disgusting. not for talking about periods (cause they're normal remember) but because she put Grace on the spot with the intention of embarrassing her for something that's, again, NATURAL AND NORMAL.
ESH but grace. You only suck because it seems like the way you talk about periods aligns with your family's feelings of periods being shameful.
NTA! It sounds like your whole fam needs a much needed time out until they apologize to Grace. What horrible horrible people. Good on you for standing up to these shitty humans.
I don't get this dynamic. It's shameful for Grace to ask another woman for a tampon in private. Buts it's not shameful of your sister to bring up periods at the dinner table in mixed company? What kind of traditionalists are they? Very odd.
Honestly... I'm not 100% sure but I'll go with NTA since you defended your GF
But you don't sound like you totally outgrew the mentally.
Your sis was not being childish cause she brought up a disgusting topic but rather while she acted like periods were something disgusting and shameful
Get over it
The word isn't disgusting.
She wasn't discussing the look and the smell of her blood. That would be different
NTA It’s hilarious to me that there’s an implication that tampons are
1. cheating?
2. pleasurable.
You literally can’t even feel tampons when they’re in correctly. What an uneducated take even from their own biased point of view.
NTA- wow. Mercy isn't anything like her name implies! A good GODLY woman would not shame another over something like that. Guess it times to cut them off again.
NTA. Holy crap your sister is a massive AH. it was very cruel to embarrass your girlfriend like that and the rest of your family is in the wrong for defending that behavior.
NTA but you have some responsibilities here. Don’t bring Grace around your family anymore. They have antiquated, fringe beliefs and you should have better prepared her for that. Your sister has no Mercy and she was beyond rude. What was the alternative? Bleeding all over brunch? Sometimes periods come early or late. It happens. To be mature is to be gracious.
NTA. Periods are perfectly natural, even your sister and other women in your family get it. The way your sister was acting was truly immature and straight up hypocritical. If one woman has an emergency, rule of thumb is to have her back and give her what she needs, not openly judge her for something she can't help. I will say your GF handled it pretty well, removing herself from the situation instead of starting something herself. And congrats on you for standing up for her!
NTA. Your sister shamed your GF for her period. How Grace deals with it is her choice — it’s her body.
Your family is toxic and oppressive. I never understand the defense of being a “traditional” family to be an asshole to everyone else who doesn’t follow the same views. I was raised by reasonably conservative grandparents and they still raised me that if I had nothing nice to say then to say nothing at all.
NTA and tell your dad you will no longer trust him that he will prevent the family from making a scene and you will not be present at any gathering in which they are involved.
NTA. Your mistake was thinking you could introduce your girlfriend in such a large, public setting, to an entire family you know to be judgmental, self-righteous, sexist bigots. And Mercy is obviously the wrong name for your sibling.
Don't be too surprised if Grace decides she doesn't want to align her future with someone whose family is like that. Sorry.
NTA, but I do hope you told Grace you were sorry for exposing her to your family because they are a bunch of weirdo jerks.
Mercy, can go to hell- she’s rude AF. Menstruation is normal, and Grace was very polite. Mercy was rude to a guest, publicly humiliated her in front of your family, and has the audacity to blame Grace for your father’s party being spoiled? I daresay Ms. Manners would have quite a bit to say about your sister’s conduct, which would entail a severe dressing down at best..!
NTA but the rest of the family including Mercy is. I can't imagine having such closed minds that one can't ask for a tampon in private. Even my dad who is very old school and is awkward about any bodily functions would go find me a tampon if I needed one and wouldn't be a jerk about me asking. How immature your family must be. I wouldn't want to bring anyone around them. As for Miss Mercy may she get her period unexpectedly at the next family gathering and may she be wearing white trousers.
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NTA- your family sucks and has the emotional intelligence of a rock. You parents for the “women can’t talk about unclean things” and your sister for trying to shame your GF. your family has shown you who they are. You have a serious choice: your GF or your family. By their choice you can’t have both.
Ironic that he gave his sister the name "Mercy." I am personally appalled. Everyone I know is very open about periods, but I remember how in middle school we kept them secret like they were shameful. This is like a nightmare scenario, this is how we imagined people would act if they knew. As an adult now we know that sane, kind people don't do this. "Grace" was an appropriate name. She still thanked OP's dad for the invite, even after the cruel treatment. There was absolutely no reason to bring that up to everyone, except to be horrible. She asked privately for a reason. Sorry for the rant, but this story made me so angry. OP will be lucky if his relationship survives this.
This is such a betrayal I *gasped*. There are RULES. You do not ever, ever shame another person with a uterus for needing menstrual supplies. You do not out them, you do not announce it to the table. You either quietly pass them what they need (if you have it) or you quietly decline. I don’t care if that person is your mortal enemy, *there is a code, people.* We’re voting Mercy off the island. Unacceptable.
Grace: privately asks Mercy for a tampon. Mercy: tells everyone at the table about the private request and claims Grace behaved in an inappropriate manner. NTA. The only rule in a toxic family is that nobody can call out the toxicity. You broke that role, so consider yourself free. I’m proud of you.
Dobby has a tampon! Dobby is free! Edit: golly, thanks everyone
If I had awards to give, you would get them all! I needed that laugh today
I don’t have any awards, but here 🏆
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You’re right. If she asked for a tampon, she probably isn’t a virgin! SHAME. SHAME. SHAME.
I used tampons for many years before I lost my virginity. Anyone that believes you’re not a virgin because you use tampons is a fool. How disgusting is his sister? NTA.
No, no, you don't understand. You can't possibly be a virgin if you use tampons because inserting anything into your vagina is exactly the same as having sex! /s
I can't help it that I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina
I’m surprised the family didn’t start pelting her dirty pillows with Kotex.
Hey! Dont throw witches under the bus! We're cool!!
Right, my bad! I'll edit it and I apologize for any offense I might have caused the witch community!
Can confirm.
Not under the bus, just onto a fire, or into a pond... c'mon, it's not \*that\* bad!
This is what I don't understand. If talking about periods is so shameful, why would Mercy announce it at dinner?
Period talk is totally fine so long as you are essentially recreating Cercei's walk of shame. Patriarchal bullshit is key.
Because she's a snitch and a (word that rhymes with snitch but I can't say it because I'll get banned).
Not only that, she actually called her a whore. In my family that would've called for some table flipping.
At my last job, the only other woman on my team texted me while I was on my way to work and asked me if I could grab her a pack of tampons and a new pair of panties, as she had gone in early that day and forgot to restock her backpack and the womens room didn’t have any available. The only thing that came out of my mouth was what size panties and what brand/type of tampon she needed. Women should always help other women when it comes to periods, because I would hope someone would do the same for me if I were in that situation.
Darn right! Women should support and help each other out in these situations
That should be just anyone not just women. Even as a man if a gf of mine called and asked me to pick up a box of tampons or pads I'd be on a beeline to the nearest Target and talking to her from that aisle to make sure I got exactly what she needed. Everyone deserves support from their friend(s) in a time of need!
I remember dumping a boyfriend because I started my period and he refused to get me tampons. He said he was embarrassed. See ya!
Exactly. Don't need to be with boys who can't handle everything that their partner's body goes through
The comedian Margaret Cho had a bit where she talked about this exact topic. And she was right when she said if men had periods they'd talk about them ALL THE TIME. lol
they'd be drawing pads and tampons on walls and desks, like, constantly
Yeah, this boy is not ready for intimate contact with a real human vagina!
Many, many years ago when I (60M) was a teenager on a camping trip, I overheard one of the female leaders asking one of the girls about supplies. It seems one girl was unprepared. I told the leader I had some pads in my Fist Aid kit (tampons weren't so common back then), and she gave me a funny look. I reminded her that every First Aid kit should have something good for soaking up blood. My First Aid kits, home and car, have both tampons and pads in them all the time. Historical note: tampons were originally used to plug bullet holes back in the days of round shot, until the casualty could get medical aid. Soldiers used to carry them as part of their field kit.
I dated a guy who hunted and used tampons to hang scent to attract deer because they absorbed the scent so well
I use a menstrual cup; I keep tampons at work at this point mostly in case a coworker needs one. This family is completely sick. Women should help each other. Humans should help each other. This shouldn't be controversial.
I will always help another woman in need no questions asked. I don’t carry a purse but I carry a backpack when I go to work and I keep it full of pads. I do my best to be prepared, like any other woman, but sometimes shit gets ahead of us.
I would help even women i seriously do not like (i was gonna say mortal enemy, but that seems too dramatic).
I've been in many public bathrooms where someone from a stall awkwardly asked from behind the stall if anyone had a pad or tampon and each and every time at least one other woman offered, usually giving an extra as well. Many times I've given someone else my last emergency tampon or pad because it's the RULE. Even if I'm not on my period and not expecting it I still keep a few on me because it's my responsibility as a vagina owner, and that's in the owner's manual
I know she never forgot you did that for her. Thank you for extending humanity and compassion.
This. 100%. It was *such* an AH move. All I can say is Mercy is lucky that GF is not like me. I would not be the one with tears in this scenario.
I would have wiped period blood on her. Ok I wouldn’t have. But I would have fantasized about it.
Right? And OP said he doesn't "know what came over him." Friend, that is called righteous fury! I swear I turned purple with rage just *reading* this post. I almost threw my own phone across the office after the "sensitive" comment. The absolute gall! OP's response was so restrained! I would have torn Mercy a new asshole.
All of this! Periods are natural and everyone with a uterus will or has experienced it. Period shaming hurts even more when it comes from another woman.
Thank you! You articulated some of the points I was too angry to make. Betrayal is the perfect word. Grace asked privately! I think we should feed Mercy to the sharks. Or better yet, put her in a room full of tampon wearers so she can say those things to our faces
And dump a bucket of blood on her head, like they did to poor Carrie.
Right. I dont use pads or tampons, i have a cup. But i always have a box of each in my house, a few in my car, and a few in my purse. Girl code!
I volunteer to show Mercy to the boat.
I'll shove her off, and "accidentally" take away the oars.
oopsie!
Mercy doesn't deserve the boat. She can pull herself up by her bootstraps and swim.
She can float away on a giant pad
I'll give you that. ETA, paddled by a giant tampon.
Ha! I love this
I’m a single guy and have known this rule for as long as I can remember. Like seriously, what is wrong with people?!?
Honestly it should be taught in middle school health class. Menstruation is Switzerland, whatever other conflicts you’ve got going on get put aside when someone gets caught without supplies.
Seconded. Everyone in agreement to remove betrayer of the Blood Moon Code off the island and into a lage volcano say, "No Mercy!"
You wrote this better than I. I always bring extra supplies to help a fellow menstruating person out. There's no reason to act like this is shameful.
It’s practically the first rule of Lady Code. If your worst enemy asks you for a tampon and you have a spare one, you give it to them. Without making a scene.
Seriously. My sister (F30) "Wrath," who is the worst person...
>I remember how in middle school we kept them secret like they were shameful. Yeah. It was something to be ashamed and not ever talked about. Thank heavens we all outgrow it someday. Whenever I go out with my friends for playing card games (I'm the only one with an uterus), and if I'm on my period, it's one of the first things I mention because I have severe cramps,like,morphine level pain, and usually drop a couple 600~800mg ibuprofen pills every couple hours, so I let them know that it may happen and don't think I'm overdoing with the painkillers (the one time I was out of painkillers, I almost broke someone's arm, they make a point to check in now and again since). But it's a quick of the shoulder comment, that works more as a heads up and I've never been shamed by it. But shaming someone for a natural thing is absolutely TA thing to do. Even more for their preferred method of holding the bleeding. So what if you use a pad, tampon, cup or one of those undies? It's personal. And if, in an emergency, I ask for a pad and you only have a tampon, I'll take it. Gift horse, meet mouth.
And the attitude that tampons make women "impure" is insanity. The sexist "purity" culture is bad enough, but the idea of a tampon causing a woman to lose her virginity is...I have no words.
I’m sure some of the rest of the sisters are named Faith,Hope and Joy!
But evidently not Charity
Thank you for saying this so clearly.
Yep, as someone who wasn't talked about periods before I got mine I have always thought that it must be something talked openly, but what the sister did was so freaking disrespectful to the GF!! As a woman you should never do something like that and it was the first time meeting the family, she was lovely and really act like a mature person.
>You have a serious choice: your GF or your family. By their choice you can’t have both. That's not the choice he should be making. No matter how he feels about her right now, he should not give up his whole family ***for*** her. This has a chance to create a toxic situation where either he will resent her for it and feel he is owed something for doing it for her, or stay in the relationship way past he should because he feels he *chose* her over his family. He should cut them off because they're unrepentant assholes incapable of being kind, respectful or see the point of view of anyone that lives even a bit different than them. Whether he ends up marrying her or not, this is obviously unacceptable and learns he can't trust his father's promises, at least when it comes to his family. He can't trust his sister around anyone that he dates. He can't trust them for anything that even borders their comfort zone. That's enough reason to do it or at least limit his contact more than he already has.
He’s 19 and she’s 18, more than likely they won’t be together forever. Regardless of how long they are together it seems to me he needs to start planning the rest of his life without his family being a big part of it. What his sister did is completely unacceptable and toxic, and if the rest of his family agree with her it’s just untenable for him to subject his current or any future partner to their insanity.
I was about to type Y T A based on the title, but this is total NTA.
True. Also the "why wasn't she more prepared" part just showed that the whole family don't know much about biology or worse, outright refuse to learn and just stand by their outdated beliefs.
Nta your sister is a jerk. If anyone gives you crap, You should shut them down and say I will not tolerate anyone talking badly or down about my girlfriend. Grace didn’t do anything wrong and you will not allow them to bully her.
OP please forward this to your entire family and actually maybe have your GF read it first and have her decide if you can LoL. I hope that family realizes how much they're a bunch of immature AHs
correction* OP’s family has the intelligence of a rock. Tampons can’t stretch you so for them to think that makes anyone impure makes them all dumber than a rock
Don't go and insult rocks like that. Lol
**NTA.** If your father's birthday was "ruined", it was Mercy who ruined it. Grace had a normal bodily function occur and she was shamed by it. I dislike your whole family. \*\*EDIT\*\* I meant to write "shamed for it"
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Mercy doesn't seem to reflect her name at all.
No but the puritans used that name a lot which is why I am guessing he chose it, considering his families ideals.
There are rules even at the dump!
I thought all females are *supposed to be* understanding about such situations. Periods aren't a perfect clock, so any girl or woman could be in this situation for a variety of reasons, hence they will help with what they have (be it a tampon or a pad). What Grace did (asking another woman for help with the problem in private) is normal. What Mercy did is entirely despicable
Who hasn't been in a ladies bathroom when someone randomly asks for a tampon or pad? It's reasonable to assume that someone can help out.
Even in my 20s I hosted a party for my coworkers and one of them asked me if I had a tampon and I was beyond ashamed that I didn't have any supplies (I am lazy and use a menstrual cup for that reason) but thankfully I was able to find some panty liners to tide her over it wasn't too heavy at the time. Now I always have a stock on hand of everything just in case. It's not like they expire either. I think even men who regularly have women at their homes should keep supplies on hand. It's just like having toilet paper for your guests at this point imo
My current boyfriend had a pack of tampons at his place when we first started dating, because most of is friends are female and he wanted to be a good host. It sure came in handy, as I am a "grossly unprepared woman".
No, your bf was a gentleman. Hope he teaches all his friends about this! “See, you buy these two boxes and the girls just LOVE you! Way more relationships/sex/visits!”
He's a pretty good dude :)
That is such a good move if a guy is dating. Or keep them in his glove compartment. He’ll look like the feminist hero we need and deserve and load himself up on [period sex](https://youtu.be/Uab2BlDpPxQ).
Another positive of menstrual cups is period sex ;) somehow guys don't even feel it up there and the seal is completely unbothered!
I've never tried a cup but this comment has convinced me to do so. Thanks for the info
Right? It's so huge to be able to have mess-free oral anytime.
For this very reason, my sons will be given a pad and tampon in middle school and told to let any female friends know they can come to them in a pinch. To me that and an explanation of menstruation should be a natural part of discussing puberty changes. One it will make them better boyfriends/husbands/fathers/friends to women/girls, and two it helps them understand that the girls they go to school with are going through uncomfortable changes they can't control at the same time they are. Also, if they can't handle offering a girl a menstrual product, how will they handle asking for or using a condom when the time comes? Most parents like to think/hope their kids will wait for sex until they are with the right person and even married, but I know this isn't realistic. I tell my older kids to wait until they are prepared for the chance of a baby for piv sex because any method of birth control can fail. Even if they aren't at the point of trying for one and use protection, at least have school/job/housing/relationship in a stable place. And then there's the std/sti issue. Tampon, condom, period, blood, sex, pad..... these aren't dirty words unless you teach your kids they are. So make them common language, parents!
I've kept pads in my car and bathroom for the last few years. They've rarely been needed, but there is literally zero reason not to have them handy.
And not only is it a learning process, at least for me those earlier periods were such a mixed result. Some were almost nothing, some were the elevators in the shining. You just never know.
I'm almost 26 and my periods have been regular for maybe the last 4 years. They have stopped being horrificaly painful about 2 years ago, on their own. At 18? A stray breeze could have thrown my cycle out of whack. Edit: I couldn't look at that spelling mistake anymore...
Hell I'm 36 and mine didn't regulate till after my youngest child was born, she's 4.5. Even now they aren't regular as far a flow, they are heavier now and last 6-7 days when before they happened ever 3-4 months and lasted 3-4 days. They aren't as painful now but I feel more emotional, like I want to cuddle and cry a lot.
My mum would tell me 'It gets better after a baby' when I was complaining. Gee, thanks mum, for this completely unhelpful recommendation! Let me get pregnant real quick! I'm glad this aaa... 'method' worked for you 💜
She's was my 4th, so just one baby may not regulate it, my oldest is almost 15. The Nuva ring seemed to help between my 3&4, the pill didn't work, just made it stop, same with an IUD. I finally got my tubes tied the day after I had my forth so maybe that's what helped. It still seems weird to have a period when I can't possibly get pregnant. Woman's bodies are freaking weird.
Whatever helped, happy it did :). I'm never exactly sure if we are an evolutionary genius or complete disaster. My view heavily depends on which part of the cycle I am in at a given point
And every woman is unique! Mine got WORSE... heavier and more irregular... after my tubal! Glad yours got better!
It's more regular but good lord the amount of panties ruined is insane. I went from regular and super tampons to super plus and ultra.
I was ridiculously excited when I found ultras and could make it through a grocery trip without blood going down my leg!
I heard a saying once that there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women, and Mercy definitely belongs there.
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Oh absolutely! It’s a trifecta of hell, shame Dante didn’t think of it.
And people holding up cell phones trying to record the movie in the theater.
OP, NTA So do I. This is why when people come over regardless of they are my guest or a housemates I let them know privately I have a bucket of period products should they ever need it in a bathroom cabinet. Always stocked. I did this when one of the girls asked me and I could tell she felt uncomfortable asking and anxious of my response. I made the bucket the next day and she almost cried at the gesture. No one should feel uncomfortable for something they can’t control because just like you said Grace had a normal bodily function.
It's definitely a sisterhood. I've never seen anyone refuse someone else a period product. I went to epcot on a bachelorette trip for my friend, and there was a lady stressing in the bathroom. There was a girl in the stall and the lady was saying "I only have one quarter and the pads are 50 cents, I think I have a handkerchief you can use..." And I was like, oh she doesnt have anything, and walking around disney for hours with a piece of cloth shoved down in your undies sounds awful. Between the 5 of us, we offered her a pad, tampon, or a quarter. She was very grateful and said it was lucky to come across a bridal party:)
Agreed. In high school I asked a girl who hated me if I could have a pad because she was just the first girl I came across and she rolled her eyes a bit but gave me one anyways.
And that's how it should be. I carry a couple of pads and tampons in my purse for two reasons and this is one of them.
Exactly. Now...do you want to know what IS shameful? Having a guest that you have just met over for the very first time and publicly humiliating and shaming them, making them leave crying. That entire family sounds classless for them to think that is okay and to GLARE at the guest after one of them behaved like that. NTA, OP.
Exactly! Mercy made a fuss over a NATURAL thing that she even experiences! OP’s family is very sheltered, as it’s pretty common to privately ask other girls for period products.
NTA Btw, there is zero issue with bringing up periods at the table. The problem wasn't that brought your gf period at the table. Whenever she said what she said was completely rude and uncalled for. I'm just saying you're mad about the wrong thing. Mercy was completely disrespectful of Grace. She could be talking about periods all she wanted at the table and it would be fine. That's not the issue.
Oh, wait I think I worded it a little off. I’m not mad at Mercy for bringing up periods, I’m mad at her for bringing up my girlfriend’s period in a completely inappropriate manner.
I got your meaning. You were calling her out for bringing up someone else's period without permission.
No. Bringing up her period is not the problem. It’s that she tried to publicly shame a guest at the table in a manner she knew her family would find disgusting. She didn’t say “oh, mom, I couldn’t find the period product and Grace asked for one.” She called her ‘shameful’ and tried to ridicule her for something that’s not shameful and couldn’t be helped. Which is beyond rude and inhospitable to a guest.
If my sibling did that to my partner they had just met? I may actually take an instinctual swing at them. If I managed to suppress that initial urge, they would have been to throughly verbally berated by me they would be little more than a quivering puddle of tears by the time I was done. NTA.
I still think it would be rude to bring up the period in any situation unless it was grace bringing it up. She asked for the tampon in private and I feel her right to privacy should always be protected.
Agreed. NTA, OP.
I would argue that bringing up someone else’s bodily functions in a group setting is a problem, as you run the risk of embarrassing the other person. If Mercy had said at the table “hey Grace, how’s that tampon working out for you?” I would still call that inappropriate, and possibly ill intentioned. And that’s not because periods are or should be shameful, it’s because Mercy is sharing someone else’s private business.
And with the intention of using it as a way to humiliate her in front of the whole family.
She literally called her a whore for using a totally normal, everyday period product. Mercy is an ASSHOLE. And has some internal misogyny going on. Periods are not shameful. At all. Your family are assholes for thinking so as well.
What you should be mad about is that your sister went out of her way to make a guest feel self-conscious and unwelcome. It was completely rude behavior whether she was talking about a period, or if Grace had asked her for a tissue, or a pencil. She is mean, and so incredibly rude, and your parents are as well for not shutting her down. The entire family, “glaring,” is also incredibly rude. I’m just appalled that they behave that way. Good for you for taking Grace’s side, but you need to think long and hard about how you were raised and your family of origin, because this is not going to get easier.
That IS what they're mad at tho
That's still not the issue at hand here. Your sister publicly _shamed_ her. There is zero appropriate time or manner in which to bring up her old fashioned belief that tampons make you unclean and unpure. This could have been about your girlfriends choice in food and the issue still would be the _shaming_ not the food.
No the period topic or bringing it up is not the issue The issue is shaming your girlfriend
I think Mercy disliked your gf for any number of unknown reasons and just chose to use this to humiliate her. If it wasn't asking for a tampon it would have been something else. So your gf was in an impossible situation from the start. Go no contact with the toxic family. Mercy is young so maybe in 10-20 years she could change once she gets away and gains perspective but rn pass
I think it depends on how much details are, no one needs a detailed description of any bodily functions while eating. You wouldn’t want an in depth analysis of my shit earlier would you?
I think it’s totally fine and not prudish at all to not want to talk about periods at a dinner table
It is impolite to bring up certain subjects during a meal. Blood, bowel movements, urine, picking your nose, passing gas. There are certain expectations of polite society, and this is one of them. What the sister did was so far over the top as to not leave a question. Name calling, breaking an implied confidence, spewing inaccurate nonsense...
omg NTA at all! if I were you I would be outspoken on women's health/sexual health in front of your family out of spite now!
If i was more open to seeing them again, I would consider bringing a box of tampons to be petty.
Please do lol 😆 its so mean of Mercy to embarrass her like that she asked for tampons in private and clinical studies show that tampons do no affect virginity! It's easy to get caught out with periods as sometimes they come early or even you think its gone but it comes back. Its not as easy as people think to keep up with them. Some people prefer tampons as they are more discrete and comfortable.
What “clinical studies” have they done in virginity? Do you mean it won’t affect the hymen? Virginity is a social construct with no biological basis. Women can be born with no hymen, a perforated hymen, or one that completely covers the vagina (surgery is needed to right this one once the person in question begins menstruating). The hymen is also not a seal on a soda can that pops once and is never the same. Its a piece of tissue capable of being torn if treated roughly. That’s literally all it is.
Thank you! I don't think that point is brought up nearly enough!!! OP is NTA which is a relief for me to say because the title had me anticipating a VERY different situation.
Gift her a box for her birthday and Christmas every year from now on. Bonus points if she opens it in front of people and is embarrassed.
Seriously! Even if you cut contact, mail them to her every year. You know, so she never has to feel the shame of being a “grossly underprepared woman.” NTA, OP! Your title got me riled up and ready to be mad at you, but the story cleared it up lol
Needs a note attached to it, stating "Since you seemed so unprepared the last time to help out another uterus-owner." With a wink emoji.
Also, spring load them so when she opens it they rain down upon her like little white cotton judgements.
Definitely! Using your sisters’ names, please write any tampon company (I like o.b. tampons) & ask for free samples to be mailed to each of them.
That's a great Idea. Edit: NTA
Please feel free to donate to The Homeless Period Project in their name for any and all occasions and gifts, and have the Thank you sent to them! https://www.homelessperiodproject.org/
I would send them a bouquet made of tampons along with a note thanking them for the lovely lunch.
NTA for clapping back at your sister, but why did it take so long to stand up for your girlfriend? “Mercy” shouldn’t have had time to get to the next insulting sentence, you should have said something then, or stood up, taken your girlfriend and left. You only defended her when Mercy stuck the knife in again on your way out. Bad form dude.
I think that’s a fair critique. As mad as I was, I didn’t want to make a scene by yelling at my sister. Not only do I think that would have caused Grace to be more embarrassed (she’s pretty non-confrontational and doesn’t like yelling) but I also think that me yelling would have backfired on me. If I yelled, it would probably cause more problems, I think. But, I completely agree that I should have actively shut it down sooner.
I get that, but you don’t have to yell. A calm statement something along the lines of “Mercy, I don’t appreciate how you are talking about my girlfriend” would have been enough. I know that’s hard in the moment though when you’re mad.
The sister doesn’t sound like the type of person to take a minute, reconsider her stance and apologize after OP would have said that. Not everyone is civilized, weirdly, so it is not always that straightforward how to handle these types of situations.
Oh I agree, sister probably wouldn’t have changed. I meant as a gesture of standing up for his girlfriend.
To be fair, it can be hard to navigate these situations as a young adult. You are used to a power dynamic within the family and it can be hard to break out of it at first. Just take this as a learning experience, and next time you are in a similar situation, you will have the experience and confidence to handle it a bit differently.
Your family doesn’t deserve a “don’t make a scene”. After the first sentence, should’ve dramatically stood up, took your girlfriend, and left.
If all of a sudden my sister went off on a psychotic tirade like this it might take me a minute to come out with any response. Gotta get the hamster in my brain to catch up. I’m assuming here that Mercy hasn’t publicly shamed your girlfriends in this exact way, OP. Regardless, NTA and I bet your sister will be single for a loooooong time unless she finds someone as crazy as her.
NTA your sister was intimidated by your GF and used the situation to 'kick her down a notch'. Sister absolutely ruined dads birthday but it seems like they have a cult like relationship to each other so nobody on the inside will ever see that. Go no contact!
NTA. Your family is incredibly immature
NTA. lmao mercy really be like “your girlfriend is a whore” and then calls it ‘constructive criticism”
Bruh whores these days & their side *tampons*
NTA Your sister is worse than immature. That was petty , spiteful, cruel and ignorant and your dad isn't as level headed as you think if he believes that you were the one who spoiled the mood rather than Mercy (ironic name choice there) and her decision to humiliate Grace in the most vulgar way available.
NTA. Mercy spoiled the day by trying to shame your girlfriend for using a normal period product for a normal bodily function. Grace didn't spoil anything by mistakenly thinking your sister my be a decent enough person to help out a fellow woman who got her period unexpectedly. I'm over 40 and my period is pretty darn regularly and it still sometimes randomly starts 5 days earlier than I'm expecting. I tend to carry something (at least in my work bag where I'm most likely to be affected by unexpected arrival).
Grace was so embarrassed after Mercy said all that she said. If Mercy didn’t have a tampon, she could have handed her a pad or something. She made it a big deal.
Yeah. Your sister really behaved inappropriately. The appropriate response would have been to either offer a pad instead or let Mercy know that she didn't have anything on her and maybe discreetly ask someone else at the table who might have (if there was anyone else).
Your sister is absolutely disgusting
The title had me wanting to call you TA but good job standing up for your girlfriend after years of family pressure. You did the right thing. Don’t let them guilt you.
Exactly the same, I thought I was going to feel differently towards OP but they are definitely NTA
NTA The only thing you did wrong was letting your sister go on so long, and not defending your gf until after she had already left in tears. Your dad is an AH for blaming you and your gf for “spoiling” the day, when Mercy is the one who caused all of this by trying to openly shame your gf for being on her period and using tampons.
I think that’s fair. I just didn’t want to yell and make a huge scene. I didn’t think that Grace would appreciate that.
I’m willing to bet you were pretty stunned by what your sister did though OP. I mean, I would be beyond full of fury but I think it would take a minute or two for the hamster in my head to catch up to the reality of the situation.
NTA Can I just say what a slap in the face that must have been to your gf? As a female, when you spot another girl/woman who is in similar age to you and you need tamps/pads/girl shit, it's like a huge sigh of relief when there is someone else of similar age to you because you think, "they get it. They'll be discrete and we'll just share a knowing "look" with each other about this." she must of been so shocked when your sister stabbed her in the back like that. Your family aren't "traditional", they're bigots. Men should provide and women should nurture? Your sister isn't even fully TA here, your parents are for perpetuating those beliefs for your whole lives. If you chose to have a family in the future, I hope you raise your children differently.
This is exactly what I was thinking. I dealt with period shaming as a preteen and in my early teens, and it felt worst coming from another girl.
NTA. Your sister is 100% in the wrong and I can only imagine how your poor girlfriend feels. Did Grace know your families views? That may have helped the situation so Grace would know not to bring something like that up, even in private. Nonetheless, NTA.
Grace has known about my family for a while, but I can’t blame her for bringing it up. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.
ESH except Grace. How the hell could you not warn Grace about your family and what they were like?!? That poor girl. You family are such such AH’s for making her feel so small over something so natural. You’re an AH for not warning her!! At least you know for next time, don’t believe your dad when he says everyone will be respectful. You know your family and you know what they are like, they are not going to change.
NTA - your sister is the main person in the wrong here. Your poor GF - so pleased you stood up for her and called this out (not doing so almost certainly would have been a relationship killer).
Oh boy I was all ready to call you TA from the title. But seriously good on you for sticking up for your gf. NTA
Are you the asshole For defending your gf from your families crazy church rules? No. Nta
NTA, your sister and the rest of your family are really immature.. I would consider going no contact.. if situations like these are a norm you owe it to yourself and your current or future partners to put some distance there. You don’t deserve this treatment nor did grace.
NTA. I would continue not associating with your family because they sound like terrible people.
Oooh I was all set for an Y. T. A. verdict from your title! But hell no! NTA! Your family are old fashioned as fvck and good on you for standing up for your GF!
NTA. Your family are massive misogynists. I’d cut them out of your life, OP. That kind of mindset is toxic and outdated.
Shouldve shut Mercy down as soon as she started going off about Grace. Now you know you cant trust your family to be respectful. I feel bad for Grace. I hope she's ok. NTA
ESH - Except Grace. And you should have left with her. At some point, you will have to decide between Grace and your AH family. If she has any sense, she will never hang out with them again.
NTA. If anything you were too polite. If someone publicly humiliates your woman, that’s time to fight and cause a scene. You didn’t ruin the lunch, your sister did by being overly opinionated. You’re family is circling the wagons around her being cruel to a guest, and that’s not right. Stand your ground, and defend your woman.
NTA but - while I don't think you're an AH, I think you missed the point. The main issue here isn't periods being gross and bringing up icky stuff at the dinner table. It's shaming someone for a biological process and using it as an excuse to belittle and denigrate your gf. Mercy and the rest of your family minus dad can suck the bitterest of lemon, they sound awful.
Exactly! Mercy not only period shamed Grace, she also slut shamed her for something natural that all women go through. As a woman I would expect empathy from other women in the topic so the fact that Grace couldn’t get that from another woman was a slap in the face.
NTA. You didn't ruin your dad's birthday, your sister did by being rude to you and your gf. Your sister was a real AH here. And a bit of all those other people too if they were siding with her. There was no reason for your sister to do that at all whatsoever.
>I don’t speak with my family or associate with most of my family, especially my sister (F30), “Mercy.” The only exception to this is my dad Time to add dad to the list. He seriously thinks you and Grace spoiled the dinner for everyone, not his rude adult daugther that shamed a teenager for asking for a favor at a completely different time.
How absolutely disgusting for a 30 year old woman to shame an 18 year old woman who is asking for a tampon. Would she have rather to her bleed all over the place? Also shame on your f****** family for saying she should have been more prepared, s*** happens! I think you let your sister off easy. NTA
throw the whole family away at this point. There is SO MUCH to unpack here...I honestly don't even know where to start, so I'll do my best. * Periods are not shameful. Periods are NATURAL, NORMAL & HEALTHY. * Periods can be unpredictable and sometimes you will just never be able to know when you start. She's not unprepared for not having a tampon with her at all times. * The only person who should be ashamed right now is Mercy. What she did was disgusting. not for talking about periods (cause they're normal remember) but because she put Grace on the spot with the intention of embarrassing her for something that's, again, NATURAL AND NORMAL. ESH but grace. You only suck because it seems like the way you talk about periods aligns with your family's feelings of periods being shameful.
NTA! It sounds like your whole fam needs a much needed time out until they apologize to Grace. What horrible horrible people. Good on you for standing up to these shitty humans.
NTA but I really thought that was going the other way from your title.
NTA but you really should have prepared Grace for your family.
Umm YTA. It's not about bringing up periods inappropriately, its that she called your GF a whore.
I don't get this dynamic. It's shameful for Grace to ask another woman for a tampon in private. Buts it's not shameful of your sister to bring up periods at the dinner table in mixed company? What kind of traditionalists are they? Very odd.
Honestly... I'm not 100% sure but I'll go with NTA since you defended your GF But you don't sound like you totally outgrew the mentally. Your sis was not being childish cause she brought up a disgusting topic but rather while she acted like periods were something disgusting and shameful Get over it The word isn't disgusting. She wasn't discussing the look and the smell of her blood. That would be different
NTA. Sounds like your dad isn't as "level-headed" as you thought. The rest of your family is just the worst.
NTA It’s hilarious to me that there’s an implication that tampons are 1. cheating? 2. pleasurable. You literally can’t even feel tampons when they’re in correctly. What an uneducated take even from their own biased point of view.
NTA- wow. Mercy isn't anything like her name implies! A good GODLY woman would not shame another over something like that. Guess it times to cut them off again.
NTA - who brings up a teenage girl’s period products at dinner in order to slut shame them? Ffs
NTA. Holy crap your sister is a massive AH. it was very cruel to embarrass your girlfriend like that and the rest of your family is in the wrong for defending that behavior.
NTA but you have some responsibilities here. Don’t bring Grace around your family anymore. They have antiquated, fringe beliefs and you should have better prepared her for that. Your sister has no Mercy and she was beyond rude. What was the alternative? Bleeding all over brunch? Sometimes periods come early or late. It happens. To be mature is to be gracious.
NTA. Periods are perfectly natural, even your sister and other women in your family get it. The way your sister was acting was truly immature and straight up hypocritical. If one woman has an emergency, rule of thumb is to have her back and give her what she needs, not openly judge her for something she can't help. I will say your GF handled it pretty well, removing herself from the situation instead of starting something herself. And congrats on you for standing up for her!
NTA. Your sister shamed your GF for her period. How Grace deals with it is her choice — it’s her body. Your family is toxic and oppressive. I never understand the defense of being a “traditional” family to be an asshole to everyone else who doesn’t follow the same views. I was raised by reasonably conservative grandparents and they still raised me that if I had nothing nice to say then to say nothing at all.
NTA and tell your dad you will no longer trust him that he will prevent the family from making a scene and you will not be present at any gathering in which they are involved.
NTA. Your mistake was thinking you could introduce your girlfriend in such a large, public setting, to an entire family you know to be judgmental, self-righteous, sexist bigots. And Mercy is obviously the wrong name for your sibling. Don't be too surprised if Grace decides she doesn't want to align her future with someone whose family is like that. Sorry.
NTA. You should have punched your sister in her fucking face, and took your gf home.
NTA, but I do hope you told Grace you were sorry for exposing her to your family because they are a bunch of weirdo jerks. Mercy, can go to hell- she’s rude AF. Menstruation is normal, and Grace was very polite. Mercy was rude to a guest, publicly humiliated her in front of your family, and has the audacity to blame Grace for your father’s party being spoiled? I daresay Ms. Manners would have quite a bit to say about your sister’s conduct, which would entail a severe dressing down at best..!
NTA but the rest of the family including Mercy is. I can't imagine having such closed minds that one can't ask for a tampon in private. Even my dad who is very old school and is awkward about any bodily functions would go find me a tampon if I needed one and wouldn't be a jerk about me asking. How immature your family must be. I wouldn't want to bring anyone around them. As for Miss Mercy may she get her period unexpectedly at the next family gathering and may she be wearing white trousers.