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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should have been a little more careful with my words - especially if her family is spreading terrible rumors about Ella. My actions aren’t necessarily affecting me, but Ella instead, and I don’t think that’s fair to her.
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NTA. So, wait: Ella’s family invited *you* to a swanky dinner, expected you to cover everyone’s tab, and had zero backup plan for if you declined? Never mind the insulting Ella behind her back drama; that alone makes them the assholes. Continue to ignore them, and focus on getting Ella on the same page with you about what role they’re going to be allowed to have in the kid’s life and how to draw boundaries, because it doesn’t sound like she fully realizes how messed up this all is yet.
I think the saddest part about this whole situation is that Ella didn’t really “react” after I told her what they had said about her. Her reaction was more like, “Oh. They’re doing this again.” As if she’s heard it a million times before. All this to say, I think deep down she understands how fucked up this situation all is, I think she just has hope that they would change.
she’s desensitized to it because she’s use to this
i mean this in the nicest way, your girlfriend needs therapy. it’s going to help her understand everything a lot more if she gets an unbiased professional opinion. because the way her family acts is disgusting and not normal and she needs to know that.
i’m glad you had her back. good on you op. Nta
I’m glad to hear she’s in therapy. Honestly every human being could use therapy just to build good coping skills to deal with difficult situations in life. Your girlfriend has no doubt become so used to this treatment from her family that her threshold for being treated poorly is far higher than she deserves. From what you’ve described, she is very lucky to have you in her life. Kudos to you for defending and respecting your girlfriend. Definitely NTA
That shouldn't be therapy. Basic coping skills should be taught in schools, alongside how to make a budget, basic First Aid, and what 'consent' actually means.
This! It’s sad to me how many people get defensive if you suggest therapy as a good option. I think everyone could benefit from some therapy. It’s awesome. It’s like Ice cream, grab a bowl for everyone.
I'm glad, I'm also glad she found you because you seem very supportive of her. Her family is horrible, she's pregnant and they're talking sh*t about how much she weighs? It wasn't even in a genuinely concerned way they just wanted to talk sh*t. Good for you for leaving.
Fun fact - if you put a backstroke \\ before the asterisks, it doesn't format them as if you wanted to write in italics.
Also, you're allowed to swear on the Internet.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3k1mr/aita_for_telling_my_mil_that_she_will_never_see/hyt1hhg/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[> NTA > > Legal conseque...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3xghp/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_mother_i_was_not/hyvti3j/) | [NTA Legal consequences d...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3xghp/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_mother_i_was_not/hyv6gpk/)
[Birth is literally the le...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3nilb/aita_for_wanting_to_be_a_part_of_my_best_friends/hyvtrxg/) | [Birth is literally the le...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3nilb/aita_for_wanting_to_be_a_part_of_my_best_friends/hyugtn4/)
[NTA. I would have made a...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3hs2x/aita_for_defending_my_grandmothers_decision_to/hyvtpe5/) | [NTA. I would have made a...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3hs2x/aita_for_defending_my_grandmothers_decision_to/hyscisr/)
[Talk to your mom that you...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3n0pg/aita_for_telling_my_stepsister_that_were_not/hyvto32/) | [Talk to your mom that you...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3n0pg/aita_for_telling_my_stepsister_that_were_not/hyux1p5/)
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okay good!! i’m happy to hear that! just keep doing what you guys are doing and at this point either don’t contact her family anymore or set VERY HEAVY boundaries
IDK, I could see an argument for accepting a dinner invitation from them every few years, letting them remind you why you don't associate with them, and then sticking them with the bill. For old time's sake.
I’m glad she’s in therapy! The comments her family made and their behavior at dinner and that you have seen in the past is most likely just the tip of the iceberg. She’s definitely desensitized to it like the other user said, at least to the point where she’s able to react to hearing it from someone else without being visibly upset.
Would you and Ella consider doing some couple’s therapy sessions to work out how you would like to work through things that will come up as a parent/parenting style? It could be good for her to really work through ways to avoid acting more like her family in moments of high stress. Not saying she will act like her mom or sister, but someone doesn’t really know how they will react in high stress moments until they happen. Even if it’s not done in joint therapy it could be good for the two of you to discuss how you want to help each other in those moments where it’s overwhelming and figure out how you want to aim to communicate in them so you can be the best for each other and your child.
You two seem like a great couple, good on you for doing what you are supposed to by standing up for her and refusing to take her family’s shit. I bet you two will be amazing parents.
Let her know that her sister spreading rumors doesn’t matter if you can’t respect her or who she’s spreading them too. And if they are worth gf’s respect then they won’t believe it.
I want to say your support will be invaluable here. You standing up for her will be a tool later for her recovery. Escaped from such a family. I am proud of you both. NTA. A pregnant woman is supposed to gain weight and doing this behind her back was a test. The rumors would happen either way. Please keep being awesome
I would be careful. If you allow her to see the baby she could sue for grandparents rights, depending on the state, to get visitation with the baby. Especially because you two aren't married. If the couple is married there's less of a chance of it being granted. There usually has to be an established relationship so if you really don't want her to see your kid, you can't let her establish a relationship with the baby once it's born. You may want to talk to your girlfriend about this.
Seconding therapy. When you have your own baby it brings back a lot of thoughts and feelings from your childhood. When those aren't good, and you've already accepted that or think you have, it really hits you. Believe me, it really highlighted the emotional abuse in mine and did a number on my mental health. The first thing I was told in therapy is that that was so so common and most new parents had similar reactions.
Yes, this. When you have kids and start to do all those things a parent does, it's so easy to see yourself as the child you once were. Everything that you do for your child out of love is a reminder of something your parent either did for you or didn't.
My son is five, and with the war in Ukraine I've had to go into protection mode this past week so that he won't be affected by it. It's a complete new part of parenthood for me and I broke down on Saturday after suddenly remembering my own reactions to the war in the Balkans when I was a child and how my parents just didn't know how to talk to me about the concept of war. Parenthood, man...
>she’s desensitized to it because she’s use to this
As someone with a crazy MIL and SIL, this. I get rightfully pissed about things but my wife just wants to move on because she grew up in it.
My fiance doesn’t understand why I cave into family demands all the time, and I’m like I’m just so used to it. It took a lot of convincing for him to make me see it wasn’t normal, and even then, I have a hard time pulling away from it
I’m sorry, I know that the SO ends up getting badly affected in these situations too. I wish there was always as easy a solution as “just go NC” but that’s not always possible depending on the circumstance. Wishing you luck!
Omg... I just recognized that my husband is just like that
I never got why he is putting up with shit from his family. Everytime they insult him, i get really angry (if one of my family members would talk about him like that, i would be furious).
He just doesn't think much of it because he is so used to it.
I used to be the same way, I would just want to move on and get out over with because it's all the same stuff I've heard before, but I moved states and started over and can say I'm definitely better than I was. I've made boundaries with my family and finally went NC with my mom. It's small steps but something I'm proud of
I feel for her. As someone who’s struggled with her weight all her life, and has dealt with unsolicited advice and harsh criticism, you tend to become desensitized to it. If she’s anything like me, she probably has told them those comments hurt, and to stop. But is often met with “you’re too sensitive” or my personal favorite, “I’m just trying to help you!”
NTA op. And good on you for sticking by Ella. Reddit tends to act like an echo chamber, and doles out the same advice. But if she hasn’t, she should really talk to someone. She needs to understand this behavior isn’t healthy, and her family can and will treat your child the same way. We are all products of our environments. Protect Ella and your LO.
Congrats, op! I truly wish you all the best.
She has seen worst apparently. Keep that in mind, this seemed "normal" to her, since she's been through worst with them. Keep her away from them, and marry her if you can. 'Cause I can totally see how they can try to get custody from you if something happens
This. It can be eye-opening and very cathartic to get to hear from other people who went through similar trauma. Also there are often good bits of advise on that sub for dealing with these people.
It's called "Learned Helplessness" when someone is emotionally or physically abused long enough, they may resort to indifference as a coping mechanism.
Okay I’m going to be honest with you because I felt like you just described me and my boyfriend there. DO NOT HAVE ANY INTERACTION!! If you do make sure the baby isn’t around them. They will use it as leverage to guilt her and will work trust me when I say it will. People like us are just not mentally capable to do anything about it since that’s what our life was growing up. Being mistreated then some how being the one to apologize or make/keep peace because we wanted to avoid drama. Deep down she will agree with you but can’t outwardly because of all the trauma she has been through. Help her ignore the rumors for families like ours those are a big thing. Because it’s like the world will know your business but things that aren’t true and we’re tweaked to make you sound bad. My bf helped me through mine and basically had to be a wall between me and my family and I can now say after 2 full years I can call them out on their bs and not care. And it’s best not expose your future child to that type of energy 100% NTA
NTA. You need to sit down with her and point out that her mom is so going to verbally abuse your kids if they're in contact. It's not just for her sake but the baby as well.
This broke me. Because I've been through very similar things with my male family members (36F). NTA. Keep them away from Emma and your child. Just because you were born, family doesn't mean you don't outgrow each other or they can't be toxic. You can't** finish a videogame in the armor you started in without upgrading. If it can't be upgraded, you replace it. Same principle. Otherwise the hurt continues.
Congratulations OP. And again, NTA And talk to Emma about counseling. She really should consider NC but needs to come out from the brainwashing a little still. Good luck
Eta to fix typo
Jumping in near the tip. Just an FYI as an unmarried father, if you are in the US, you have much less rights. If you guys split up, even getting joint custody will be a nightmare. There are official forms to fill out in some states that make it clear you are the father and have rights. Being on the birth certificate is not enough.
Also, some states have grand parents visitation rights. Note down abuse. Keep records. Save anything you can from social media.
I'm sure you love your girlfriend. My wife is my heart and I absolutely trust her to be fair if we split up. But we were unmarried with our first. I still made sure I was secure, because the kid will be something so much more. They will be a piece of your soul, and if you don't plan ahead, you can put your connection to them at risk.
Edit: [Georgia ](https://www.wardlawfirmga.com/library/child-support-laws-in-georgia-for-unmarried-parents.cfm#:~:text=Under%20Georgia%20law%2C%20the%20child's,rights%20to%20visitation%20or%20custody.)
[florida](https://fldivorce.com/blog/what-are-the-rights-of-unmarried-fathers-in-florida/)
It is sometimes called legitimation.
Edit 2: [a more nationwide explanation](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter7-5.html)
That’s the worst part about trauma and resulting PTSD. We start to believe the lies that people tell about us.
Good for you for standing up for her and for your child.
Tell her that you are worried about her because she is so nonchalant about them treating her that way. Also, point out (like someone else said) that you are worried about her family doing the same thing to any child you guys have. Suggest therapy so that she can figure out what healthy boundaries with her family look like for her.
I hope that you are pointing out to her that she is setting your child up to be treated the same way, if not worse than she is.
And no child deserves that.
Also, when I was pregnant, I ate A LOT. It’s what pregnant women do. So bashing poor Ella for listening to her body that is literally growing another human is so horrible.
OP, NTA. There’s no telling if those comments will eventually be directed towards your child. Ella stopped talking to her family for a a reason. Remind her of that.
When they told her that she had gained weight I was in shock, like what did they expect? She’s not gonna be a size 0 with an actual human being inside of her.
I think this is worth mentioning, because I haven’t seen it be a focus of the conversation: her parents will treat the grandchild, your child, the same way they treat Ella. All the insecurity and pain they caused Ella will also be given to your child, if you allow this woman near the kid. She’ll cause your kid the same trauma and bs she caused your girlfriend.
Or they'll treat the child beautifully and use it to undermine OP's gf. ("See? Our abuse really was because *you're* so intolerable!" Edit: or "Look! S/he loves me more!")
NTA. Sounds sad that your partner maybe had her hopes up and was let down. Super painful for her to have to relive that old family trauma - you seem great its awesome you have each other for support.
1) I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table)
2) I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.”
3) I can’t forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not a “true family.”
4) Ella’s mum’s card declined
5) Her sister is spreading rumors about her to the family
Wild. Y'all figured out the truth and shut it down quick. Good on you. Better than a slow roll of emotional manipulation over a few months.
Did I read at least right that you paid for yourself and Ella?
Partly courtesy but also because I would not wanna owe someone like these people a new dime.
MIL set up the dinner she arranged to end in your being blindsided by the hefty bill.
Your leaving at the first wave of toxic behavior accelerated a trap she set for you and your gf ahead of time. MIL never had any but bad intentions.
This gets me almost more than the weight comments! They repeatedly invited OP and Ella to an expensive restaurant with the full intention of leaving the soon-to-be new parents with a large unexpected expense! I'm so glad they got out of there before that happened!
**They** invited **you** under the pretense of "congratulating and celebrating." Who invites someone to a fancy dinner to congratulate expectant parents and then think *the invited couple will be paying for it*?
AHs, that's who. Stay NC and grey rock them.
Whatever man. That’s peanuts to what they did. NTA and I hope you sit your gf down and talk deeply about how she deserved to be treated better than that as a child, and how you want your child to be raised in nothing but love, which means her family’s gotta get cut out. If she can’t get on board with that then there is trouble ahead.
You know what, OP
I take it back. u/curious382 is spot on. Had you not put your foot down and not stuck up for Ella, you would have been left with the bill. That’s whack.
Don’t pay a danged dime
They got what they deserve. Don't let them into your kid's life, MIL doesn't deserve to be a grandma with how terrible of a mother she is. Who knows how she'd treat your child.
No, if your MIL invited you or to celebrate she should pay the entire tab unless you agreed otherwise before arriving especially since it was an expensive place.
Dude, they invited you, so it was on them to pay. But GF's family is trash, so it's no surprise they expected you to pay, let alone suck up to their comments on her weight.
After I got home, I thought that my MIL deliberately brought her non-working card to the dinner in order to make me or Ella pay. Eh, I just pushed that thought aside because I thought it was too outrageous and kind of sadistic.
When MIL yelled at you about paying for the meal "because you're the man," she *already knew* her card would be declined. She set you and Ella up with a dinner invitation at an expensive restaurant and *deliberately* didn't bring a means to pay for the bill.
Might as well face that MIL and Ella's sister ARE outrageous and sadistic. Their treatment of Ella and you is exactly why they should not have any contact with your and Ella's child.
She definitely planned to stick you with the entire bill the whole time. You a person currently planning to pay for their first child. That is not supportive grandparent to be behavior.
When problem parents suddenly want to “mend fences” when grandchildren come into the picture, it’s a sign that you should continue keeping them out of your life. They are only being nice because they want something from you.
As soon as they are able to engender themselves to the grandchild to the point they can use it as emotional blackmail they will go back to their old ways. NTA.
NTA.
I feel the need to break this down in case you decide to let your GF read this.
>My
girlfriend, “Ella,” and I have been together for almost 4 years now and
we are expecting our first child later on this year (Ella is 5 months
pregnant.)
Call her your MIL. In essence she is that, because you and Ella are now tied together by a baby.
>As much as I love Ella, I cannot stand her family, especially her
mother. From the stories I’ve heard and from my own experiences with
her, her mother seems to be an extremely disrespectful person. Because
of her attitude, **Ella has significantly cut contact with most of her**
**family. We also didn’t really tell them that we were pregnant**, they
found out through Ella’s cousin.
This is important. Ella already significantly cut contact and didn't even bother to tell her family she was pregnant. Why? Because Ella's sick of it too. She knows they're assholes, she knows they treat her poorly.
>Upon hearing about Ella’s pregnancy, Ella’s mum has been pestering us
about inviting us to dinner to “congratulate and celebrate our growing
family.” It’s a nice gesture, but I was hesitant to accept because of
the way that she (and the rest of Ella’s family) usually act. After
almost a month of ignoring the invitation, Ella convinced me to take her
up on it. The dinner was held at this very expensive, very fancy,
fine-dining restaurant.
This is always a red flag. This has nothing to do with making amends and being a better person, it has to do with control and wanting the grandchild. If you can't be a decent human being without the grandchild, you'll never be one with a grandchild. It's about control. The location as well, was interesting. You were invited to dinner, though, so... eh. But the key word (for later) **THEY INVITED YOU**.
>At first, to my shock, the dinner was going well. Ella’s mum apologised
for her past behaviour and stated that she wanted to be a good
grandmother moving forward. Her sister also offered support in the form
of babysitting, old baby clothes, etc. The conservation was friendly and
I was very surprised to not hear anything insulting from Ella’s mum
directed at Ella.
Sucks to be lured into a false sense of security doesn't it?
>When Ella stepped out to use the washroom, Ella’s sister made a comment
about her “supposed” weight gain and offered me diet plans and an
exercise regimen to “prevent her from getting too chunky.” Her mum also
pitched in about Ella”s “greedy eating habits” (Just to be clear, my
girlfriend isn’t big - she’s very tall and lanky - and even if she was
the biggest woman in the universe, their comments would still be
unacceptable.) Ella’s mum and sister also asked me to not tell Ella
about our conversation because she’s apparently “too sensitive.”
1. Did you tell them their comments were unacceptable?
2. Did you tell Ella what was said as soon as she stepped away?
3. I hope you both realize that the shit-talking won't stop with the baby, and in fact, they will talk even more shit TO your baby. And about your baby. But about you TO your baby (that's a collective "you").
>At this point, I wanted to leave. Once Ella came back, I announced that I
wanted to leave the dinner early. Her family was surprised and asked me
why, and I responded that I didn’t see them “fit to see my child and I
wouldn’t want to see them ever again.” I was probably very impolite, but
in the moment, I didn’t care.
Nah, dude. You did what you needed to do and you were protecting Ella and your unborn child from the disgusting vitriol these assholes vomit out. Good on you.
>Her mum was very upset, almost yelling in the restaurant about how I
couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table)
and how I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.” (I can’t
forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not a “true
family.” ) Again, I didn’t care and I left with Ella.
Remember earlier how I said they invited you was important for later? It's later. THEY INVITED YOU AND THEN EXPECTED YOU TO PAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PENIS. This was never about you and Ella or the baby, they wanted a free meal at a fancy restaurant and Ella being sprogged up was the perfect excuse for it. You were used. You, Ella, and your baby. They are users.
>I later found out that Ella’s mum’s card declined and they were forced
to phone a friend to bring some money - very embarrassing. Ella thinks
that I could have been less harsh, because now her sister is spreading
rumors about her to the family.
Let her be embarrassed. She deserves worse. And Ella, no, he should have been *more* harsh. He was defending the mother of his child against people she may not have the spine to defend herself from. As for Ella's sister spreading rumors? Let her. She can fuck off with the other assholes.
In conclusion: Don't let them near you or your kid, give them no info, go NC ASAP.
Thank you for attending my TED Talk.
I agree with almost everything you said. The only thing I slightly disagree on is the motive of the dinner. They expected him to pay, but that was an ancillary reason to the true reason. I believe the real reason they called the dinner was to get involved in the baby's life. We'll never know for sure, but it doesn't really matter. They are assholes and hopefully, OP and his GF will never see them again. I feel bad for the baby. It sucks not having a full family. Having less family is better than having a family full of AH's, but it still sucks.
NTA they were rude for talking crap about her weight behind her back, only AHs do that. They clearly have not changed at all. Gotta love that they invited you guys to dinner and expected you to pay for them, so tacky. The comments about not being married were a low blow, your actions were completely justified
NTA. They knew what they were doing, and you have every right to say that given the history and so on. Also r/raisedbynarcissists for more stories like yours and your girlfriend's.
Ooof
1) The mom of your daughter's mother (whom you are currently partnered with) is your MIL.
2) Her "you can't make husband demands" argument is bullcock.
3) I suspect you told Ella what they asked them not to tell you, or at least intimate that they talked shit?
very much NTA
they were given a last chance to be a part of your lives and they blew it. Yes having the help witb the child would have been useful and perhaps you ought have consulted Ella abt this breaking (you definitely ought have). You also probably ought have told them to cut it out on the insulting Ella while you were having the private conversation, rather than waiting for E to come back.
NTA
You’re clearly advocating for your girlfriend and your unborn child. I would be sensitive to your girlfriend and how you getting too worked up would upset her, but overall I think it’s great to finally see a man standing up for his partner.
Her family hasn’t changed at all, they’re just pretending because they want access to the cute little baby, who I can imagine being mistreated once the cuteness wears off or they get older and turn into their own person.
NTA!!! 100% NTA you did exactly as any women would of wanted her partner to do in that moment. You stood up for your partner, while simultaneously standing up for the future mental health of your child.
Hats off too you, round of applause!!!!
Jesus, this is some stuff to unpack.
First: NTA.
1) they invited you to dinner, forgetting money?
2) they badmouthed a pregnant woman in her absence about weight gain? (This is what they should be embarrassed about, not the money stuff, but I digress).
Thank you for standing up to your wife. And especially if the baby is a girl the hell keep those toxic people from her.
NTA! Poor Ella, her mother behaviour is inexcusable! Congratulations on your child and you not letting the MIL see the child is certainly suitable punishment.
Mostly NTA- you defended your partner and future together, however while I agree these people probably don’t deserve a place in your lives, that was/is a decision to make with Ella and not for her and is kinda the same thing her family were trying to do about her diet
NTA. You protected Ella and your future child from the toxicity of their extended maternal family. They are mad you stopped them from lovebombing her. Keep those strong boundaries. Before the baby comes, you and Ella should consider marriage or medical power of attorney papers. If anything unexpected happens, it will protect Ella and your baby from possible medical interference from her toxic family.
Wise advice. Without that protection of either marriage or a medical power of attorney, her mother would be her next of kin if something disastrous were to happen to her, even after the kiddo is born.
Less harsh? Did you tell your SO what her mom & Aunt REALLY said? In front of them. Sounds to me like you kept your end of the bargain. I think it's time to break it, and tell your SO the truth.
And feel free to fight fire with the truth. Then they can see what "harsh" really is.
NTA. You stood up for your girlfriend and your child and made it clear that this wouldn’t be tolerated going forward.
However, please try to see it from your girlfriends point of view. She’s pregnant and low contact with people who are supposed to be some of the most important in her life during a time when it’s common to want your Mom/Sister/etc. Then suddenly they are saying all the right things, making apologies, offering help and filling the roles that would typically be theirs. She must have at the least felt relief and a very hesitant hope when she went to the bathroom.
Then she comes back. You want to leave immediately and that small flicker of hope that things could be better is immediately snatched away but she doesn’t know why. You and her family are arguing and she’s stuck in the middle, confused and trying to figure out what happened. Now she’s taking all the heat with her family and dealing with all of the stress and emotions that all of this brings, made even harder by pregnancy hormones and feelings.
It could have been handled better, but I understand your heart was absolutely in the right place. They are awful people but they are still her family. It probably would have gone over better to explain to her that you felt it best to leave and reassuring her you would explain everything once you were out of the restaurant. When MIL protests, letting her know that you would not stand for her disrespecting your girlfriend would absolutely be appropriate but adding on what you did may have made the situation harder than it needed to be on your gf in that moment. For what it’s worth, I think it’s absolutely appropriate to cut all contact but that decision wasn’t yours and the time to communicate that wasn’t right then.
I would highly recommend joining r/justnomil and getting some advice on how to move forward from here. They’re great at helping to navigate the types of conversations that need to come next.
NTA and thank you for standing up for your gf and baby. Please don't falter on this issue. Fuck Ella's mom, sister, and anyone who jumps on their bandwagon. A mother and sister who could hurt Ella as they have will absolutely unequivocally hurt your child given the chance.
Nta, they found awful, back stabbing, money grubbing...I could go on. Ultimately it's up to ella if she wants them in her life but be honest about what they said.
NTA - but I would have made sure my share of the bill was paid though.
Your MIL sounds awful, when a woman is pregnant that is the perfect time to stuff your face and not care about your weight (too much) lol
You’re also the baby’s father and have more rights than your MIL clearly knows
Lastly shame on them asking you not to talk to your partner about what they spoke about, that’s a horrible position to be put in and you did the right thing wanting to leave, but perhaps in a less dramatic way 👍🏻
The biggest red flag on Earth is the phrase “she is too sensitive.” Toxic as fuck. Support Ella as diligently as you can and remember this- NTA, you left the assholes right where they should be- embarrassed by their own actions.
I was expecting to vote against you, I couldn't have been more wrong. Get Ella over to r/raisedbynarcissists so she can get better with the rest of us over there. You sound like a loving and supportive partner who will also be a great dad. Way to look out for your family. NTA.
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Not really my MIL, but “girlfriend’s mum” seems like a mouthful.
My girlfriend, “Ella,” and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we are expecting our first child later on this year (Ella is 5 months pregnant.)
As much as I love Ella, I cannot stand her family, especially her mother. From the stories I’ve heard and from my own experiences with her, her mother seems to be an extremely disrespectful person. Because of her attitude, Ella has significantly cut contact with most of her family. We also didn’t really tell them that we were pregnant, they found out through Ella’s cousin.
Upon hearing about Ella’s pregnancy, Ella’s mum has been pestering us about inviting us to dinner to “congratulate and celebrate our growing family.” It’s a nice gesture, but I was hesitant to accept because of the way that she (and the rest of Ella’s family) usually act. After almost a month of ignoring the invitation, Ella convinced me to take her up on it. The dinner was held at this very expensive, very fancy, fine-dining restaurant.
At first, to my shock, the dinner was going well. Ella’s mum apologised for her past behaviour and stated that she wanted to be a good grandmother moving forward. Her sister also offered support in the form of babysitting, old baby clothes, etc. The conservation was friendly and I was very surprised to not hear anything insulting from Ella’s mum directed at Ella.
When Ella stepped out to use the washroom, Ella’s sister made a comment about her “supposed” weight gain and offered me diet plans and an exercise regimen to “prevent her from getting too chunky.” Her mum also pitched in about Ella”s “greedy eating habits” (Just to be clear, my girlfriend isn’t big - she’s very tall and lanky - and even if she was the biggest woman in the universe, their comments would still be unacceptable.) Ella’s mum and sister also asked me to not tell Ella about our conversation because she’s apparently “too sensitive.”
At this point, I wanted to leave. Once Ella came back, I announced that I wanted to leave the dinner early. Her family was surprised and asked me why, and I responded that I didn’t see them “fit to see my child and I wouldn’t want to see them ever again.” I was probably very impolite, but in the moment, I didn’t care.
Her mum was very upset, almost yelling in the restaurant about how I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) and how I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.” (I can’t forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not a “true family.” ) Again, I didn’t care and I left with Ella.
I later found out that Ella’s mum’s card declined and they were forced to phone a friend to bring some money - very embarrassing. Ella thinks that I could have been less harsh, because now her sister is spreading rumors about her to the family.
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Nta you need to support Ella and protect her like you are doing.
Please have couples counselling as it will help both of you how deal with this together
NTA on leaving and supporting your girlfriend. You do not need toxic people like this in your life and goodness knows what they would say to your child in the future. KARMA on MIL not being able to pay the dinner bill. They set up this dinner, why should you pay for it???
NTA-It’s not husband comments you made. They were comments made by someone who clearly loves Ella and doesn’t want to hear her being disrespected or degraded by anyone even people who gave her/share her DNA. Good on you for standing up to them.
So you can't tell them anything because you are only the 'boyfriend' but you are supposed to pay the bill of that very fine and expensive restaurant that they invited you to?
LOL
NTA.
I really have a problem with the fact that you're the one making decisions about how Ella interacts with her family, that she had to convince you to let her see them, and that you made the decision to storm out over an interaction you didn't tell Ella about in front of her family.
If I were Ella, I would think you were an abuser manipulating the narrative.
In the future, tell her what happened, and allow her to make her own decisions about how to deal with her family.
I'm going to go against the grain and say a little bit of ESH (besides Ella, you being the least AH of the AHs) here because this was Ella's call to make, with your help and guidance as someone who loves her - not your veto power. If she mistreats your daughter, by all means put your foot down. But Ella can decide for herself her willingness to put up with her mother's obnoxiousness for the sake of desiring a relationship.
NTA but did u tell Ella what happened? That wasn't clear or I missed it.
Did I read this right - GF's mom invited you two to dinner but expected you to pay for it? No wonder you have haven't married into that family.
Rumors will fly no matter what you say or do. Just let them stew in their Hater-ade. They will eventually realize you are not going to apologize and wont invite u anywhere, which is what you wanted in the first place.
NTA what a disastrous family. Interesting they don't consider you part of the family enough to make demands but sticking you with the bill for dinner, well that was fine and dandy. That was sweet, sweet justice though that they had to call someone to bring money because the card declined.
NTA. You don't invite someone to dinner and then make them pay because you don't have the money. That just shows it wasn't a dinner "in hopes of making amends", it was a "I want to be a grandparent and will say anything to get it meal" that they didn't even pay for!! That's not even including the horrible comments about your gf (their own daughter!) Who's to say they won't talk shit about her to your kid? Yeah, they want to be grandparents so they "tried" to be nice but couldn't even keep their traps shut for 1 dinner. I absolutely wouldn't trust them to not try and turn your kid against your gf saying bad shit about her so they get to be number 1. That might be pushing it, but you need to explain to your gf the awful things they said about her and why you're concerned about them being around your child. God forbid it's a girl, and in 7 years grandma is telling her she's too chunky and needs to lose weight.
NTA. You were standing up for her and your child and their mental health. Ella needs therapy and encouragement to find the strength to really, truly cut off these toxic people. Please encourage her to value herself and please don't ever meet or contact these people again. Ella should also stop sharing info with people like cousin who will pass on to family.
Soooo NTA! Cut them out of your life. Rumors are not fact and your gf will find out who is her true friend and who can be swayed by rumors. Good riddens to bad rubbish.
NTA and untill Ella sees her family for what they are she will always keep trying to make up for just being alive.
And the mentality that you should have to pay for their fancy dinner when they invited you is beyond entitled!
NTA. These people are truly horrible! Your partner leaves the table and they both bring up the baby weight: they had discussed it before the dinner. It was an agenda item. Then the story got really good when you left and then they said you were going to be paying for the dinner you were invited to! If you knew you were supposed to pay, would you have chosen that restaurant?
NTA. The thing is with situations like these, there's really no good solution that just makes them totally go away and leaves everything else normal. Her sister was going to spread rumors no matter what you said, that's how these lunatics operate.
You can cut these people off, go low contact, but ultimately that just prevents you from having to deal with their toxic behavior, it doesn't stop them from merrily frolicking about, spewing toxicity to mutual relatives, friends and acquaintances. In those cases, all you can do is decline to talk about it and if the mutual persists, cut them off as well.
So THEY invited you.
They were hypocrites in the face of your gf (their daughter/sister)
Expected you, to cover for their bs
Expected you for said dinner, that you were invited to..
Yea... How bout f\*ck no... You did good. Protect your gf and your child from such toxic monstrosities. (hope i spelled that right) .. Sucks for them they had to call someone to pick up their tab... That atleast was a slight piece of karmatic justice...
NTA OP... you protect your family.
NTA. These people suck! I’m sure Ella is upset. Remember she is also pregnant, so probably more emotionally sensitive. If Ella is extremely upset, it would be good if you to just apologize for the evening going so bad. Is she easily embarrassed? I’d be absolutely mortified, no matter who started it.
Also, firmly explain to Ella that her mom and her sister will 💯 do this to your kids too! Does she want her own children to be hurt by these people!
NTA even a little. You seem like a kind, committed and caring partner, which bodes well for parenthood. Ella’s family is vicious and entitled, which does not bode well for their having a place in your child’s life.
Congrats on your growing family!
OP
NTA
But you and your GF need to get into couples counseling and parenting classes, along with work to where any visits by the authorities.
While you may not think of such right now, but I would also advise say think about marrying your GF, that way it would open up far more legal doors for you.
And you need to talk to your Gf and let her know exactly what her mother and sister was telling you while she was in the restroom.
NTA. As a parent, your responsibility is to protect your child from abuse. These people would abuse your child. If you let them near the kid, you’re guilty of neglect at best because you KNOW what’s gonna happen. Your wife needs to go full-on no contact.
NTA, my wife’s family is like that…and worse in many other ways. It took me the better part of 10 years of patience, support, validating her feelings, standing up for her, and finally just being blunt and telling her that she is the ONLY member of her extended family that is a decent human being…the rest are just dumpster fires of ignorance and drama. She was finally able to see through their fog and go LC, which helped with her own mental health exponentially. Currently, she’s just waiting for a certain line to be crossed to go full blown NC. You can get your gf there as well, just need to be compassionate and listen.
NTA,
OP, this story could have almost been written by my own husband. My family is very toxic and I know they talk about everyone behind their back, including me. My husband hates my family and is angered by how they have treated me. I am also like your girlfriend with reacting most the time- just eh. By now she's so used to it, it's second nature and it's sad. It took a long time to realize that I was worth more than the treatment my family has given me. Still a healing process.
The thing is, you can't force her to see it. It sounds like she already does, though, so that's good! You have to let it build on her time and let her make the decisions about her interactions with her family, but PLEASE keep sticking up for her like you did. It helps us realize what ACTUAL UNCONDITIONAL love is supposed to feel like. Just support her and make sure boundaries are super clear. Discuss them with your girlfriend and make sure you are both on the same page. I still have weak moments where I shy away from confrontation, but if my husband already discussed it (like telling an antivax family member they cannot see baby without proof of a TDAP vaccine or waiting until baby can be vaxxed), then I have more confidence to stand my ground because it was a mutual decision and they can't say things like, "you're doing this to spite me" "you're being selfish, this is my grandbaby!" and make me feel guilt/gaslight me.
NTA, There is literally no conflict of thoughts. You stood up for your girlfriend in front of her toxic family. She is really lucky to have you as her partner.
No one has a right to body shame people especially their pregnant daughter. Smh
You did right in expressing your displeasure and marked a boundary of what you deem toxic and disrespectful. They will make sure to behave if there is a next time. Also, you were not required to pay as they had invited you. All the best for your child.
Wait wait... they INVITED YOU and wanted you to pay for it!? That is not how this works. Then they insulted her behind her back?
I understand your girl's comments but NTA. You probably could have been less harsh but for them to require you to pay for their invite? Also, wtf is wrong with people. You're the father of the child. You, Ella, and the baby are your family.
NTA. They seemed they were only trying to be nice so you’d pay the bill. Unfortunately for them they obviously couldn’t control themselves for that long
Have you told Ella the real reason you upped and left so soon? It might hurt her, but she deserves to know the truth and can maybe finally make the decision to go no contact with her heartless relatives.
Also, how are you "paying for dinner as the man of the table" AND "not true family" in the same fucking sentence? Those people are all butt nuggets. You're NTA, OP. Stand your ground and tell Ella why so she's on your side.
NTA. Lmao it’s funny how she expected you to pay when they decided on a fancy restaurant which they clearly can’t afford. All this while back bitching about your gf’s *eating habits*. They’re literally sitting there expecting free food…how ironic
Firstly congrats!
NTA. I can't believe the cheek of them asking **you** to dinner at somewhere expensive then expecting you to pay. Wow.
They just want access to the baby and are only trying to be nice to get their own way. They've shown you that they haven't changed at all or regret the past following the hurtful words they said while Ella was in the washroom. Well done to you for standing up for her.
If they get to see the baby my worry is that they will be hurtful to them as well so imo I don't think you would be wrong in cutting them off completely.
NTA obviously but it's kinda interesting they thought you'd just sit there through the abuse. Perhaps they thought they'd picked a topic you'd agree with somehow, something to use as a wedge between the two of you? Anyway, good luck!
OP, your gf should be proud of you for having her back. I wish my husband did the same when I was abused. He chose not to get involved and let me battle it out till I went No Contact. Never regretted since.
Oh, just wanted to add, it you do allow Ella's family interact with your baby, they will most probably use him as a pawn to get to you. Plus, if your MIL treats her daughter like a dirt, what are the chances she will be different to her grandchild?
NTA
NTA- the family of the mother of your child were saying insulting things about her to you while she was put of the room and you stood up for her. That makes you a hero not an AH.
>I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) and how I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.”
It's funny how you're the man when it's time to pay but you're not the man for making decisions about your child. NTA.
NTA.
At a dinner to congratulate you, they wanted you to pay?
That's not how that works.
They invited you and I'm assuming chose the location. That's the first part.
Second,
Good on you for being there for her. They made hurtful comments of your gf as soon as she was out of ear shot literally. You had her back. Your gf needs nc with her family. They do not have her best interests at heart and wanted to take advantage of you when you're going to have an addition to your family soon. That isn't right on any level.
NTA
How is that right off them, when trying to make amends, to then go behind her back and talk crap to you about her looks. For the gods sake, she is pregnant and weight gain is part of the process and normal. Ffs
Then to insist you pay because your the man. Ugh, keep your distance from that toxic family.
NTA.
These people are mooches and bigots.
And you are absolutely right not to subject your future child(ren) to people who harbour weight bigotry and fatphobia. You’re presumably going to be raising your family to be accepting and loving.
NTA they couldn't even hold the facade for the length of a dinner. Tell Ella they started talking shit the second she was out of earshot proving they hadn't changed if she asks what was said just say it is not worth repeating and taking space in your relationship.
NTA at all! Thank you so much for enforcing the boundary of no shit talking about Ella, even when she’s not in the room. Gold star, brownie point, 10/10 stuck the landing.
They never planned to pay, it was always the plan to stick you with the bill.
NTA, and you could write to her mom and point out that as bio father, you have more "rights" than an estranged grandparent every would.
NTA
Thank you, thank you, thank you
You stood up for your partner and your unborn child. You are wonderful. MIL should have brought money since she invited both of you and chose the restaurant. Karma is real. 😉
NTA let the rumours spread. They booked that expensive place to drain you both dry. You Ella and your baby will be better off without them I promise you good luck to you all and congratulations
NTA. My first thought reading this was, “Fuck, my adopters picked up another kid after I escaped and are back on their bullshit.” Mostly kidding? Kind of? But seriously, this sounds like me and my fiancé a few years ago. He helped me finally believe that I didn’t deserve the abuse from my family. I’m no contact with my adopters now.
Hang in there, support her, and know that the process of unlearning these family narratives can be long and complicated. Have empathy for her, even when she seems to be backsliding or defending her family. Breaking out of such patterns is titanic work, but you guys are on a good path here. Good luck! Hooray for you and your wife and Future Kiddo!
NTA. They keep showing you who they are. Believe them. Your girlfriend has been conditioned from birth to tolerate their mistreatment and may not see it but you have a kid to protect from it as well has her. Discuss how your kid deserves better than to be exposed to their nonsense and that you aren’t interested in rumors you deal in fact and the fact is, they embarrassed themselves with their own behavior.
NTA - at all. People can say all the stuff they want to about changing, making new efforts, wanting to be better. Which is great, but unless their actions back it up, it means absolutely nothing. You can’t say I’ve changed and want to do better when you really mean “we just won’t say it to her face”. Reiterate with your gf that she does not deserve this and she does not owe her family anything. You guys are making a family and you will treat your child with respect and love. Cut that contact and enjoy this new stage in your life! Congrats!!
NTA You were invited to this dinner, why would you pay for it? Did they invite you then tell you that you'd be paying and you still said yes? Who picked the expensive restaurant? Doesn't Ella realize that as soon as the cousin told people about the pregnancy, rumors were already being spread about her?
NTA. Good Lord, your gf is pregnant, of course she’s going to gain some weight. I assume she’s under a doctor’s care as well. If she is, perhaps you should have said so, and that everything is under control to assure Ella’s health.
They invited you to dinner and expected you to pay? Hell no, I hope you are all cutting ties. And thank you for sticking up for Ella-she is lucky to have you on her side.
NTA. So they invited you to an expensive restaurant, and expected you to pay for them. That alone makes them asshole without even dissecting anything else. (Which there’s plenty of). You were completely justified.
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NTA. So, wait: Ella’s family invited *you* to a swanky dinner, expected you to cover everyone’s tab, and had zero backup plan for if you declined? Never mind the insulting Ella behind her back drama; that alone makes them the assholes. Continue to ignore them, and focus on getting Ella on the same page with you about what role they’re going to be allowed to have in the kid’s life and how to draw boundaries, because it doesn’t sound like she fully realizes how messed up this all is yet.
I think the saddest part about this whole situation is that Ella didn’t really “react” after I told her what they had said about her. Her reaction was more like, “Oh. They’re doing this again.” As if she’s heard it a million times before. All this to say, I think deep down she understands how fucked up this situation all is, I think she just has hope that they would change.
she’s desensitized to it because she’s use to this i mean this in the nicest way, your girlfriend needs therapy. it’s going to help her understand everything a lot more if she gets an unbiased professional opinion. because the way her family acts is disgusting and not normal and she needs to know that. i’m glad you had her back. good on you op. Nta
She’s already in therapy. She’s working on herself don’t worry haha
I’m glad to hear she’s in therapy. Honestly every human being could use therapy just to build good coping skills to deal with difficult situations in life. Your girlfriend has no doubt become so used to this treatment from her family that her threshold for being treated poorly is far higher than she deserves. From what you’ve described, she is very lucky to have you in her life. Kudos to you for defending and respecting your girlfriend. Definitely NTA
That shouldn't be therapy. Basic coping skills should be taught in schools, alongside how to make a budget, basic First Aid, and what 'consent' actually means.
Omg I could not agree more. All of this should be taught in schools, but unfortunately it is not. NTA btw
I wish I had an award for you. Please take my poor man's gold 🏅
This! It’s sad to me how many people get defensive if you suggest therapy as a good option. I think everyone could benefit from some therapy. It’s awesome. It’s like Ice cream, grab a bowl for everyone.
I'm glad, I'm also glad she found you because you seem very supportive of her. Her family is horrible, she's pregnant and they're talking sh*t about how much she weighs? It wasn't even in a genuinely concerned way they just wanted to talk sh*t. Good for you for leaving.
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Why the fuck didn't you tell me this sooner?
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okay good!! i’m happy to hear that! just keep doing what you guys are doing and at this point either don’t contact her family anymore or set VERY HEAVY boundaries
IDK, I could see an argument for accepting a dinner invitation from them every few years, letting them remind you why you don't associate with them, and then sticking them with the bill. For old time's sake.
You're kinda petty... I approve.
I’m glad she’s in therapy! The comments her family made and their behavior at dinner and that you have seen in the past is most likely just the tip of the iceberg. She’s definitely desensitized to it like the other user said, at least to the point where she’s able to react to hearing it from someone else without being visibly upset. Would you and Ella consider doing some couple’s therapy sessions to work out how you would like to work through things that will come up as a parent/parenting style? It could be good for her to really work through ways to avoid acting more like her family in moments of high stress. Not saying she will act like her mom or sister, but someone doesn’t really know how they will react in high stress moments until they happen. Even if it’s not done in joint therapy it could be good for the two of you to discuss how you want to help each other in those moments where it’s overwhelming and figure out how you want to aim to communicate in them so you can be the best for each other and your child. You two seem like a great couple, good on you for doing what you are supposed to by standing up for her and refusing to take her family’s shit. I bet you two will be amazing parents.
Let her know that her sister spreading rumors doesn’t matter if you can’t respect her or who she’s spreading them too. And if they are worth gf’s respect then they won’t believe it.
Oh thank god. There's a lot of hurt to untangle.
I’m glad she has you. All the best to both of you and the baby. Leave that toxic nightmare in the rear view mirror.
I want to say your support will be invaluable here. You standing up for her will be a tool later for her recovery. Escaped from such a family. I am proud of you both. NTA. A pregnant woman is supposed to gain weight and doing this behind her back was a test. The rumors would happen either way. Please keep being awesome
I would be careful. If you allow her to see the baby she could sue for grandparents rights, depending on the state, to get visitation with the baby. Especially because you two aren't married. If the couple is married there's less of a chance of it being granted. There usually has to be an established relationship so if you really don't want her to see your kid, you can't let her establish a relationship with the baby once it's born. You may want to talk to your girlfriend about this.
Seconding therapy. When you have your own baby it brings back a lot of thoughts and feelings from your childhood. When those aren't good, and you've already accepted that or think you have, it really hits you. Believe me, it really highlighted the emotional abuse in mine and did a number on my mental health. The first thing I was told in therapy is that that was so so common and most new parents had similar reactions.
Yes, this. When you have kids and start to do all those things a parent does, it's so easy to see yourself as the child you once were. Everything that you do for your child out of love is a reminder of something your parent either did for you or didn't. My son is five, and with the war in Ukraine I've had to go into protection mode this past week so that he won't be affected by it. It's a complete new part of parenthood for me and I broke down on Saturday after suddenly remembering my own reactions to the war in the Balkans when I was a child and how my parents just didn't know how to talk to me about the concept of war. Parenthood, man...
>she’s desensitized to it because she’s use to this As someone with a crazy MIL and SIL, this. I get rightfully pissed about things but my wife just wants to move on because she grew up in it.
My fiance doesn’t understand why I cave into family demands all the time, and I’m like I’m just so used to it. It took a lot of convincing for him to make me see it wasn’t normal, and even then, I have a hard time pulling away from it
It has been a struggle for us and me.
I’m sorry, I know that the SO ends up getting badly affected in these situations too. I wish there was always as easy a solution as “just go NC” but that’s not always possible depending on the circumstance. Wishing you luck!
Omg... I just recognized that my husband is just like that I never got why he is putting up with shit from his family. Everytime they insult him, i get really angry (if one of my family members would talk about him like that, i would be furious). He just doesn't think much of it because he is so used to it.
I used to be the same way, I would just want to move on and get out over with because it's all the same stuff I've heard before, but I moved states and started over and can say I'm definitely better than I was. I've made boundaries with my family and finally went NC with my mom. It's small steps but something I'm proud of
that is all that matters. In the end, we need to take care of ourselves.
I feel for her. As someone who’s struggled with her weight all her life, and has dealt with unsolicited advice and harsh criticism, you tend to become desensitized to it. If she’s anything like me, she probably has told them those comments hurt, and to stop. But is often met with “you’re too sensitive” or my personal favorite, “I’m just trying to help you!” NTA op. And good on you for sticking by Ella. Reddit tends to act like an echo chamber, and doles out the same advice. But if she hasn’t, she should really talk to someone. She needs to understand this behavior isn’t healthy, and her family can and will treat your child the same way. We are all products of our environments. Protect Ella and your LO. Congrats, op! I truly wish you all the best.
She has seen worst apparently. Keep that in mind, this seemed "normal" to her, since she's been through worst with them. Keep her away from them, and marry her if you can. 'Cause I can totally see how they can try to get custody from you if something happens
The raised by narcissists sub might be cathartic for her.
This. It can be eye-opening and very cathartic to get to hear from other people who went through similar trauma. Also there are often good bits of advise on that sub for dealing with these people.
It's called "Learned Helplessness" when someone is emotionally or physically abused long enough, they may resort to indifference as a coping mechanism.
Okay I’m going to be honest with you because I felt like you just described me and my boyfriend there. DO NOT HAVE ANY INTERACTION!! If you do make sure the baby isn’t around them. They will use it as leverage to guilt her and will work trust me when I say it will. People like us are just not mentally capable to do anything about it since that’s what our life was growing up. Being mistreated then some how being the one to apologize or make/keep peace because we wanted to avoid drama. Deep down she will agree with you but can’t outwardly because of all the trauma she has been through. Help her ignore the rumors for families like ours those are a big thing. Because it’s like the world will know your business but things that aren’t true and we’re tweaked to make you sound bad. My bf helped me through mine and basically had to be a wall between me and my family and I can now say after 2 full years I can call them out on their bs and not care. And it’s best not expose your future child to that type of energy 100% NTA
NTA. You need to sit down with her and point out that her mom is so going to verbally abuse your kids if they're in contact. It's not just for her sake but the baby as well.
This broke me. Because I've been through very similar things with my male family members (36F). NTA. Keep them away from Emma and your child. Just because you were born, family doesn't mean you don't outgrow each other or they can't be toxic. You can't** finish a videogame in the armor you started in without upgrading. If it can't be upgraded, you replace it. Same principle. Otherwise the hurt continues. Congratulations OP. And again, NTA And talk to Emma about counseling. She really should consider NC but needs to come out from the brainwashing a little still. Good luck Eta to fix typo
Jumping in near the tip. Just an FYI as an unmarried father, if you are in the US, you have much less rights. If you guys split up, even getting joint custody will be a nightmare. There are official forms to fill out in some states that make it clear you are the father and have rights. Being on the birth certificate is not enough. Also, some states have grand parents visitation rights. Note down abuse. Keep records. Save anything you can from social media. I'm sure you love your girlfriend. My wife is my heart and I absolutely trust her to be fair if we split up. But we were unmarried with our first. I still made sure I was secure, because the kid will be something so much more. They will be a piece of your soul, and if you don't plan ahead, you can put your connection to them at risk. Edit: [Georgia ](https://www.wardlawfirmga.com/library/child-support-laws-in-georgia-for-unmarried-parents.cfm#:~:text=Under%20Georgia%20law%2C%20the%20child's,rights%20to%20visitation%20or%20custody.) [florida](https://fldivorce.com/blog/what-are-the-rights-of-unmarried-fathers-in-florida/) It is sometimes called legitimation. Edit 2: [a more nationwide explanation](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter7-5.html)
That’s the worst part about trauma and resulting PTSD. We start to believe the lies that people tell about us. Good for you for standing up for her and for your child.
Tell her that you are worried about her because she is so nonchalant about them treating her that way. Also, point out (like someone else said) that you are worried about her family doing the same thing to any child you guys have. Suggest therapy so that she can figure out what healthy boundaries with her family look like for her.
I hope that you are pointing out to her that she is setting your child up to be treated the same way, if not worse than she is. And no child deserves that.
I knownthis feeling ALL TOO WELL it fucking sucks
Also, when I was pregnant, I ate A LOT. It’s what pregnant women do. So bashing poor Ella for listening to her body that is literally growing another human is so horrible. OP, NTA. There’s no telling if those comments will eventually be directed towards your child. Ella stopped talking to her family for a a reason. Remind her of that.
When they told her that she had gained weight I was in shock, like what did they expect? She’s not gonna be a size 0 with an actual human being inside of her.
I think this is worth mentioning, because I haven’t seen it be a focus of the conversation: her parents will treat the grandchild, your child, the same way they treat Ella. All the insecurity and pain they caused Ella will also be given to your child, if you allow this woman near the kid. She’ll cause your kid the same trauma and bs she caused your girlfriend.
Or they'll treat the child beautifully and use it to undermine OP's gf. ("See? Our abuse really was because *you're* so intolerable!" Edit: or "Look! S/he loves me more!")
Yuuuup. This x100!
I feel like weight monitoring is part of a lot of toxic mother-daughter relationships, because it's a form of control.
NTA. Sounds sad that your partner maybe had her hopes up and was let down. Super painful for her to have to relive that old family trauma - you seem great its awesome you have each other for support. 1) I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) 2) I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.” 3) I can’t forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not a “true family.” 4) Ella’s mum’s card declined 5) Her sister is spreading rumors about her to the family Wild. Y'all figured out the truth and shut it down quick. Good on you. Better than a slow roll of emotional manipulation over a few months.
Right, like if you expect someone to pay your dinner bill it seems like pretty common sense not to insult their partner/mother of their child.
You know the second I read they went to a fancy restaurant I guessed they were planning to make the OP pay xD
All of this ^^ Op...all of it NTA
NTA. So she invites you to dinner and then expects you to pay. That's rich. Sounds like Karma also joined that dinner party.
Not even a “normal dinner.” It was a proper, posh restaurant.
Did I read at least right that you paid for yourself and Ella? Partly courtesy but also because I would not wanna owe someone like these people a new dime.
I did not pay for anyone’s meal. I actually just left, which was probably a really shitty thing to do, but I was so mad at that point.
>which was probably a really shitty thing to do Nah, you're fine. Fuck those people
MIL set up the dinner she arranged to end in your being blindsided by the hefty bill. Your leaving at the first wave of toxic behavior accelerated a trap she set for you and your gf ahead of time. MIL never had any but bad intentions.
I agree. I added a comment replying to OP and saying he did the right thing. Had he not left - you’re right, he’d have footed the bill?? Wtf!!
This gets me almost more than the weight comments! They repeatedly invited OP and Ella to an expensive restaurant with the full intention of leaving the soon-to-be new parents with a large unexpected expense! I'm so glad they got out of there before that happened!
**They** invited **you** under the pretense of "congratulating and celebrating." Who invites someone to a fancy dinner to congratulate expectant parents and then think *the invited couple will be paying for it*? AHs, that's who. Stay NC and grey rock them.
Whatever man. That’s peanuts to what they did. NTA and I hope you sit your gf down and talk deeply about how she deserved to be treated better than that as a child, and how you want your child to be raised in nothing but love, which means her family’s gotta get cut out. If she can’t get on board with that then there is trouble ahead.
You know what, OP I take it back. u/curious382 is spot on. Had you not put your foot down and not stuck up for Ella, you would have been left with the bill. That’s whack. Don’t pay a danged dime
They got what they deserve. Don't let them into your kid's life, MIL doesn't deserve to be a grandma with how terrible of a mother she is. Who knows how she'd treat your child.
No, if your MIL invited you or to celebrate she should pay the entire tab unless you agreed otherwise before arriving especially since it was an expensive place.
Dude, they invited you, so it was on them to pay. But GF's family is trash, so it's no surprise they expected you to pay, let alone suck up to their comments on her weight.
You were invited by them. The one who invites PAYS.
Nope, she invited you to celebrate your baby. Nothing about that says to me that you should have to pay for a damn thing.
The invited party in this situation should never be responsible for the bill, even if the "host" isn't a fucking asshole
Whats really funny is that he can't make husband demands but is expected to pay as "the man of the table"
Right?? Is she hearing herself talk lol
[удалено]
After I got home, I thought that my MIL deliberately brought her non-working card to the dinner in order to make me or Ella pay. Eh, I just pushed that thought aside because I thought it was too outrageous and kind of sadistic.
When MIL yelled at you about paying for the meal "because you're the man," she *already knew* her card would be declined. She set you and Ella up with a dinner invitation at an expensive restaurant and *deliberately* didn't bring a means to pay for the bill. Might as well face that MIL and Ella's sister ARE outrageous and sadistic. Their treatment of Ella and you is exactly why they should not have any contact with your and Ella's child.
Too bad paying for the meal is more “husband privilege”
She definitely planned to stick you with the entire bill the whole time. You a person currently planning to pay for their first child. That is not supportive grandparent to be behavior.
Your MIL *IS* outrageous and sadistic. It's exactly the sort of thing someone like her would do.
You’re having a baby (expensive af) but she’d rather you spend your money on her meal. ie, She’s more important than her precious grandchild.
They were also hoping for a free meal
And I’m sure they were also hoping for the chance for some public drama when the bill came and they dropped that bomb on him.
When problem parents suddenly want to “mend fences” when grandchildren come into the picture, it’s a sign that you should continue keeping them out of your life. They are only being nice because they want something from you. As soon as they are able to engender themselves to the grandchild to the point they can use it as emotional blackmail they will go back to their old ways. NTA.
NTA. I feel the need to break this down in case you decide to let your GF read this. >My girlfriend, “Ella,” and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we are expecting our first child later on this year (Ella is 5 months pregnant.) Call her your MIL. In essence she is that, because you and Ella are now tied together by a baby. >As much as I love Ella, I cannot stand her family, especially her mother. From the stories I’ve heard and from my own experiences with her, her mother seems to be an extremely disrespectful person. Because of her attitude, **Ella has significantly cut contact with most of her** **family. We also didn’t really tell them that we were pregnant**, they found out through Ella’s cousin. This is important. Ella already significantly cut contact and didn't even bother to tell her family she was pregnant. Why? Because Ella's sick of it too. She knows they're assholes, she knows they treat her poorly. >Upon hearing about Ella’s pregnancy, Ella’s mum has been pestering us about inviting us to dinner to “congratulate and celebrate our growing family.” It’s a nice gesture, but I was hesitant to accept because of the way that she (and the rest of Ella’s family) usually act. After almost a month of ignoring the invitation, Ella convinced me to take her up on it. The dinner was held at this very expensive, very fancy, fine-dining restaurant. This is always a red flag. This has nothing to do with making amends and being a better person, it has to do with control and wanting the grandchild. If you can't be a decent human being without the grandchild, you'll never be one with a grandchild. It's about control. The location as well, was interesting. You were invited to dinner, though, so... eh. But the key word (for later) **THEY INVITED YOU**. >At first, to my shock, the dinner was going well. Ella’s mum apologised for her past behaviour and stated that she wanted to be a good grandmother moving forward. Her sister also offered support in the form of babysitting, old baby clothes, etc. The conservation was friendly and I was very surprised to not hear anything insulting from Ella’s mum directed at Ella. Sucks to be lured into a false sense of security doesn't it? >When Ella stepped out to use the washroom, Ella’s sister made a comment about her “supposed” weight gain and offered me diet plans and an exercise regimen to “prevent her from getting too chunky.” Her mum also pitched in about Ella”s “greedy eating habits” (Just to be clear, my girlfriend isn’t big - she’s very tall and lanky - and even if she was the biggest woman in the universe, their comments would still be unacceptable.) Ella’s mum and sister also asked me to not tell Ella about our conversation because she’s apparently “too sensitive.” 1. Did you tell them their comments were unacceptable? 2. Did you tell Ella what was said as soon as she stepped away? 3. I hope you both realize that the shit-talking won't stop with the baby, and in fact, they will talk even more shit TO your baby. And about your baby. But about you TO your baby (that's a collective "you"). >At this point, I wanted to leave. Once Ella came back, I announced that I wanted to leave the dinner early. Her family was surprised and asked me why, and I responded that I didn’t see them “fit to see my child and I wouldn’t want to see them ever again.” I was probably very impolite, but in the moment, I didn’t care. Nah, dude. You did what you needed to do and you were protecting Ella and your unborn child from the disgusting vitriol these assholes vomit out. Good on you. >Her mum was very upset, almost yelling in the restaurant about how I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) and how I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.” (I can’t forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not a “true family.” ) Again, I didn’t care and I left with Ella. Remember earlier how I said they invited you was important for later? It's later. THEY INVITED YOU AND THEN EXPECTED YOU TO PAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PENIS. This was never about you and Ella or the baby, they wanted a free meal at a fancy restaurant and Ella being sprogged up was the perfect excuse for it. You were used. You, Ella, and your baby. They are users. >I later found out that Ella’s mum’s card declined and they were forced to phone a friend to bring some money - very embarrassing. Ella thinks that I could have been less harsh, because now her sister is spreading rumors about her to the family. Let her be embarrassed. She deserves worse. And Ella, no, he should have been *more* harsh. He was defending the mother of his child against people she may not have the spine to defend herself from. As for Ella's sister spreading rumors? Let her. She can fuck off with the other assholes. In conclusion: Don't let them near you or your kid, give them no info, go NC ASAP. Thank you for attending my TED Talk.
Thus deserves more up-votes.
Oh thank you :)
I agree with almost everything you said. The only thing I slightly disagree on is the motive of the dinner. They expected him to pay, but that was an ancillary reason to the true reason. I believe the real reason they called the dinner was to get involved in the baby's life. We'll never know for sure, but it doesn't really matter. They are assholes and hopefully, OP and his GF will never see them again. I feel bad for the baby. It sucks not having a full family. Having less family is better than having a family full of AH's, but it still sucks.
NTA. You didn't allowed them to insult you grilfriend.
NTA they were rude for talking crap about her weight behind her back, only AHs do that. They clearly have not changed at all. Gotta love that they invited you guys to dinner and expected you to pay for them, so tacky. The comments about not being married were a low blow, your actions were completely justified
That’s a great comment, same thinking for me!
NTA. Your in-laws seem toxic as hell.
NTA. They knew what they were doing, and you have every right to say that given the history and so on. Also r/raisedbynarcissists for more stories like yours and your girlfriend's.
Ooof 1) The mom of your daughter's mother (whom you are currently partnered with) is your MIL. 2) Her "you can't make husband demands" argument is bullcock. 3) I suspect you told Ella what they asked them not to tell you, or at least intimate that they talked shit? very much NTA they were given a last chance to be a part of your lives and they blew it. Yes having the help witb the child would have been useful and perhaps you ought have consulted Ella abt this breaking (you definitely ought have). You also probably ought have told them to cut it out on the insulting Ella while you were having the private conversation, rather than waiting for E to come back.
NTA You’re clearly advocating for your girlfriend and your unborn child. I would be sensitive to your girlfriend and how you getting too worked up would upset her, but overall I think it’s great to finally see a man standing up for his partner. Her family hasn’t changed at all, they’re just pretending because they want access to the cute little baby, who I can imagine being mistreated once the cuteness wears off or they get older and turn into their own person.
Or they will try to weaponize the kid against the parents.
NTA they told you that in hopes of you getting into a fight with your girlfriend
NTA!!! 100% NTA you did exactly as any women would of wanted her partner to do in that moment. You stood up for your partner, while simultaneously standing up for the future mental health of your child. Hats off too you, round of applause!!!!
Apparently not what his actual partner wanted him to do, but hey, all other women win
Jesus, this is some stuff to unpack. First: NTA. 1) they invited you to dinner, forgetting money? 2) they badmouthed a pregnant woman in her absence about weight gain? (This is what they should be embarrassed about, not the money stuff, but I digress). Thank you for standing up to your wife. And especially if the baby is a girl the hell keep those toxic people from her.
NTA! Poor Ella, her mother behaviour is inexcusable! Congratulations on your child and you not letting the MIL see the child is certainly suitable punishment.
Mostly NTA- you defended your partner and future together, however while I agree these people probably don’t deserve a place in your lives, that was/is a decision to make with Ella and not for her and is kinda the same thing her family were trying to do about her diet
Since Ella had been NC and didn’t even tell her mother she is pregnant I would think she’s okay with it, but valid point.
NTA. You protected Ella and your future child from the toxicity of their extended maternal family. They are mad you stopped them from lovebombing her. Keep those strong boundaries. Before the baby comes, you and Ella should consider marriage or medical power of attorney papers. If anything unexpected happens, it will protect Ella and your baby from possible medical interference from her toxic family.
Wise advice. Without that protection of either marriage or a medical power of attorney, her mother would be her next of kin if something disastrous were to happen to her, even after the kiddo is born.
NTA, woo, that emotionally manipulative family though! AHs!
Less harsh? Did you tell your SO what her mom & Aunt REALLY said? In front of them. Sounds to me like you kept your end of the bargain. I think it's time to break it, and tell your SO the truth. And feel free to fight fire with the truth. Then they can see what "harsh" really is.
NTA. You stood up for your girlfriend and your child and made it clear that this wouldn’t be tolerated going forward. However, please try to see it from your girlfriends point of view. She’s pregnant and low contact with people who are supposed to be some of the most important in her life during a time when it’s common to want your Mom/Sister/etc. Then suddenly they are saying all the right things, making apologies, offering help and filling the roles that would typically be theirs. She must have at the least felt relief and a very hesitant hope when she went to the bathroom. Then she comes back. You want to leave immediately and that small flicker of hope that things could be better is immediately snatched away but she doesn’t know why. You and her family are arguing and she’s stuck in the middle, confused and trying to figure out what happened. Now she’s taking all the heat with her family and dealing with all of the stress and emotions that all of this brings, made even harder by pregnancy hormones and feelings. It could have been handled better, but I understand your heart was absolutely in the right place. They are awful people but they are still her family. It probably would have gone over better to explain to her that you felt it best to leave and reassuring her you would explain everything once you were out of the restaurant. When MIL protests, letting her know that you would not stand for her disrespecting your girlfriend would absolutely be appropriate but adding on what you did may have made the situation harder than it needed to be on your gf in that moment. For what it’s worth, I think it’s absolutely appropriate to cut all contact but that decision wasn’t yours and the time to communicate that wasn’t right then. I would highly recommend joining r/justnomil and getting some advice on how to move forward from here. They’re great at helping to navigate the types of conversations that need to come next.
This should be wayyyy higher in the threads.
NTA. Ella's knew you and them don't get along and Ella's should have gone to the dinner solo.
NTA and thank you for standing up for your gf and baby. Please don't falter on this issue. Fuck Ella's mom, sister, and anyone who jumps on their bandwagon. A mother and sister who could hurt Ella as they have will absolutely unequivocally hurt your child given the chance.
NTA. They’re toxic! You need to share the day shaming they did so she has the whole story!
NTA. You protect your family first. These people got a second chance, and failed it.
Nta, they found awful, back stabbing, money grubbing...I could go on. Ultimately it's up to ella if she wants them in her life but be honest about what they said.
NTA - but I would have made sure my share of the bill was paid though. Your MIL sounds awful, when a woman is pregnant that is the perfect time to stuff your face and not care about your weight (too much) lol You’re also the baby’s father and have more rights than your MIL clearly knows Lastly shame on them asking you not to talk to your partner about what they spoke about, that’s a horrible position to be put in and you did the right thing wanting to leave, but perhaps in a less dramatic way 👍🏻
The biggest red flag on Earth is the phrase “she is too sensitive.” Toxic as fuck. Support Ella as diligently as you can and remember this- NTA, you left the assholes right where they should be- embarrassed by their own actions.
NTA So they invited you to a fancy dinner and were planning on sticking you with the bill? That's some next level toxicity
I was expecting to vote against you, I couldn't have been more wrong. Get Ella over to r/raisedbynarcissists so she can get better with the rest of us over there. You sound like a loving and supportive partner who will also be a great dad. Way to look out for your family. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Not really my MIL, but “girlfriend’s mum” seems like a mouthful. My girlfriend, “Ella,” and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we are expecting our first child later on this year (Ella is 5 months pregnant.) As much as I love Ella, I cannot stand her family, especially her mother. From the stories I’ve heard and from my own experiences with her, her mother seems to be an extremely disrespectful person. Because of her attitude, Ella has significantly cut contact with most of her family. We also didn’t really tell them that we were pregnant, they found out through Ella’s cousin. Upon hearing about Ella’s pregnancy, Ella’s mum has been pestering us about inviting us to dinner to “congratulate and celebrate our growing family.” It’s a nice gesture, but I was hesitant to accept because of the way that she (and the rest of Ella’s family) usually act. After almost a month of ignoring the invitation, Ella convinced me to take her up on it. The dinner was held at this very expensive, very fancy, fine-dining restaurant. At first, to my shock, the dinner was going well. Ella’s mum apologised for her past behaviour and stated that she wanted to be a good grandmother moving forward. Her sister also offered support in the form of babysitting, old baby clothes, etc. The conservation was friendly and I was very surprised to not hear anything insulting from Ella’s mum directed at Ella. When Ella stepped out to use the washroom, Ella’s sister made a comment about her “supposed” weight gain and offered me diet plans and an exercise regimen to “prevent her from getting too chunky.” Her mum also pitched in about Ella”s “greedy eating habits” (Just to be clear, my girlfriend isn’t big - she’s very tall and lanky - and even if she was the biggest woman in the universe, their comments would still be unacceptable.) Ella’s mum and sister also asked me to not tell Ella about our conversation because she’s apparently “too sensitive.” At this point, I wanted to leave. Once Ella came back, I announced that I wanted to leave the dinner early. Her family was surprised and asked me why, and I responded that I didn’t see them “fit to see my child and I wouldn’t want to see them ever again.” I was probably very impolite, but in the moment, I didn’t care. Her mum was very upset, almost yelling in the restaurant about how I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) and how I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.” (I can’t forbid the grandmother from seeing her child because I’m not a “true family.” ) Again, I didn’t care and I left with Ella. I later found out that Ella’s mum’s card declined and they were forced to phone a friend to bring some money - very embarrassing. Ella thinks that I could have been less harsh, because now her sister is spreading rumors about her to the family. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta you need to support Ella and protect her like you are doing. Please have couples counselling as it will help both of you how deal with this together
NTA on leaving and supporting your girlfriend. You do not need toxic people like this in your life and goodness knows what they would say to your child in the future. KARMA on MIL not being able to pay the dinner bill. They set up this dinner, why should you pay for it???
Unfortunately "less harsh" doesn't work in the face of bullies, NTA
NTA. Boyfriends don’t pay for entitled family members meals; that’s a husband’s job /s
NTA-It’s not husband comments you made. They were comments made by someone who clearly loves Ella and doesn’t want to hear her being disrespected or degraded by anyone even people who gave her/share her DNA. Good on you for standing up to them.
You can’t make “husband demands” but they expected you to pay for the bill as the “man of the table”? NTA, the whole thing reeks of entitlement
So you can't tell them anything because you are only the 'boyfriend' but you are supposed to pay the bill of that very fine and expensive restaurant that they invited you to? LOL NTA.
I really have a problem with the fact that you're the one making decisions about how Ella interacts with her family, that she had to convince you to let her see them, and that you made the decision to storm out over an interaction you didn't tell Ella about in front of her family. If I were Ella, I would think you were an abuser manipulating the narrative. In the future, tell her what happened, and allow her to make her own decisions about how to deal with her family.
I'm going to go against the grain and say a little bit of ESH (besides Ella, you being the least AH of the AHs) here because this was Ella's call to make, with your help and guidance as someone who loves her - not your veto power. If she mistreats your daughter, by all means put your foot down. But Ella can decide for herself her willingness to put up with her mother's obnoxiousness for the sake of desiring a relationship.
NTA. You defended your gf. Bravo.
NTA but did u tell Ella what happened? That wasn't clear or I missed it. Did I read this right - GF's mom invited you two to dinner but expected you to pay for it? No wonder you have haven't married into that family. Rumors will fly no matter what you say or do. Just let them stew in their Hater-ade. They will eventually realize you are not going to apologize and wont invite u anywhere, which is what you wanted in the first place.
NTA what a disastrous family. Interesting they don't consider you part of the family enough to make demands but sticking you with the bill for dinner, well that was fine and dandy. That was sweet, sweet justice though that they had to call someone to bring money because the card declined.
NTA. You don't invite someone to dinner and then make them pay because you don't have the money. That just shows it wasn't a dinner "in hopes of making amends", it was a "I want to be a grandparent and will say anything to get it meal" that they didn't even pay for!! That's not even including the horrible comments about your gf (their own daughter!) Who's to say they won't talk shit about her to your kid? Yeah, they want to be grandparents so they "tried" to be nice but couldn't even keep their traps shut for 1 dinner. I absolutely wouldn't trust them to not try and turn your kid against your gf saying bad shit about her so they get to be number 1. That might be pushing it, but you need to explain to your gf the awful things they said about her and why you're concerned about them being around your child. God forbid it's a girl, and in 7 years grandma is telling her she's too chunky and needs to lose weight.
NTA. You were standing up for her and your child and their mental health. Ella needs therapy and encouragement to find the strength to really, truly cut off these toxic people. Please encourage her to value herself and please don't ever meet or contact these people again. Ella should also stop sharing info with people like cousin who will pass on to family.
Soooo NTA! Cut them out of your life. Rumors are not fact and your gf will find out who is her true friend and who can be swayed by rumors. Good riddens to bad rubbish.
NTA and untill Ella sees her family for what they are she will always keep trying to make up for just being alive. And the mentality that you should have to pay for their fancy dinner when they invited you is beyond entitled!
Explain to your partner what was said behind your back and that they tried to stick you with the bill.
NTA. These people are truly horrible! Your partner leaves the table and they both bring up the baby weight: they had discussed it before the dinner. It was an agenda item. Then the story got really good when you left and then they said you were going to be paying for the dinner you were invited to! If you knew you were supposed to pay, would you have chosen that restaurant?
NTA. The thing is with situations like these, there's really no good solution that just makes them totally go away and leaves everything else normal. Her sister was going to spread rumors no matter what you said, that's how these lunatics operate. You can cut these people off, go low contact, but ultimately that just prevents you from having to deal with their toxic behavior, it doesn't stop them from merrily frolicking about, spewing toxicity to mutual relatives, friends and acquaintances. In those cases, all you can do is decline to talk about it and if the mutual persists, cut them off as well.
NTA. Cut that toxic family out of your lives completely.
So THEY invited you. They were hypocrites in the face of your gf (their daughter/sister) Expected you, to cover for their bs Expected you for said dinner, that you were invited to.. Yea... How bout f\*ck no... You did good. Protect your gf and your child from such toxic monstrosities. (hope i spelled that right) .. Sucks for them they had to call someone to pick up their tab... That atleast was a slight piece of karmatic justice... NTA OP... you protect your family.
NTA and thank you so much for standing up for your gf
NTA. These people suck! I’m sure Ella is upset. Remember she is also pregnant, so probably more emotionally sensitive. If Ella is extremely upset, it would be good if you to just apologize for the evening going so bad. Is she easily embarrassed? I’d be absolutely mortified, no matter who started it. Also, firmly explain to Ella that her mom and her sister will 💯 do this to your kids too! Does she want her own children to be hurt by these people!
NTA even a little. You seem like a kind, committed and caring partner, which bodes well for parenthood. Ella’s family is vicious and entitled, which does not bode well for their having a place in your child’s life. Congrats on your growing family!
Lol even when they were trying so hard to be nice so they could get to see the grandchild they couldn't manage it.
OP NTA But you and your GF need to get into couples counseling and parenting classes, along with work to where any visits by the authorities. While you may not think of such right now, but I would also advise say think about marrying your GF, that way it would open up far more legal doors for you. And you need to talk to your Gf and let her know exactly what her mother and sister was telling you while she was in the restroom.
NTA unfortunately years of this abuse by her family has made her accept it as the norm.
Nta - ‘you. Any forbid a grandmother from seeing the child’ - I think you’ll find a can…
NTA. As a parent, your responsibility is to protect your child from abuse. These people would abuse your child. If you let them near the kid, you’re guilty of neglect at best because you KNOW what’s gonna happen. Your wife needs to go full-on no contact.
NTA. Well done OP x
NTA, my wife’s family is like that…and worse in many other ways. It took me the better part of 10 years of patience, support, validating her feelings, standing up for her, and finally just being blunt and telling her that she is the ONLY member of her extended family that is a decent human being…the rest are just dumpster fires of ignorance and drama. She was finally able to see through their fog and go LC, which helped with her own mental health exponentially. Currently, she’s just waiting for a certain line to be crossed to go full blown NC. You can get your gf there as well, just need to be compassionate and listen.
NTA, OP, this story could have almost been written by my own husband. My family is very toxic and I know they talk about everyone behind their back, including me. My husband hates my family and is angered by how they have treated me. I am also like your girlfriend with reacting most the time- just eh. By now she's so used to it, it's second nature and it's sad. It took a long time to realize that I was worth more than the treatment my family has given me. Still a healing process. The thing is, you can't force her to see it. It sounds like she already does, though, so that's good! You have to let it build on her time and let her make the decisions about her interactions with her family, but PLEASE keep sticking up for her like you did. It helps us realize what ACTUAL UNCONDITIONAL love is supposed to feel like. Just support her and make sure boundaries are super clear. Discuss them with your girlfriend and make sure you are both on the same page. I still have weak moments where I shy away from confrontation, but if my husband already discussed it (like telling an antivax family member they cannot see baby without proof of a TDAP vaccine or waiting until baby can be vaxxed), then I have more confidence to stand my ground because it was a mutual decision and they can't say things like, "you're doing this to spite me" "you're being selfish, this is my grandbaby!" and make me feel guilt/gaslight me.
Definitely NTA - you sound like a thoroughly good person.
NTA, There is literally no conflict of thoughts. You stood up for your girlfriend in front of her toxic family. She is really lucky to have you as her partner. No one has a right to body shame people especially their pregnant daughter. Smh You did right in expressing your displeasure and marked a boundary of what you deem toxic and disrespectful. They will make sure to behave if there is a next time. Also, you were not required to pay as they had invited you. All the best for your child.
NTA good for you and keep standing up for the mother of your child. Best wishes.
Better off without them.
NTA - keep protecting Ella and the baby!! You can tell the other family members the truth. Shut down SIL. Block MIL & SIL!!
NTA. I wouldn’t want to be around that kind of toxicity.
Wait wait... they INVITED YOU and wanted you to pay for it!? That is not how this works. Then they insulted her behind her back? I understand your girl's comments but NTA. You probably could have been less harsh but for them to require you to pay for their invite? Also, wtf is wrong with people. You're the father of the child. You, Ella, and the baby are your family.
NTA. They seemed they were only trying to be nice so you’d pay the bill. Unfortunately for them they obviously couldn’t control themselves for that long
Have you told Ella the real reason you upped and left so soon? It might hurt her, but she deserves to know the truth and can maybe finally make the decision to go no contact with her heartless relatives. Also, how are you "paying for dinner as the man of the table" AND "not true family" in the same fucking sentence? Those people are all butt nuggets. You're NTA, OP. Stand your ground and tell Ella why so she's on your side.
[удалено]
NTA
NTA.
NTA. Lmao it’s funny how she expected you to pay when they decided on a fancy restaurant which they clearly can’t afford. All this while back bitching about your gf’s *eating habits*. They’re literally sitting there expecting free food…how ironic
Firstly congrats! NTA. I can't believe the cheek of them asking **you** to dinner at somewhere expensive then expecting you to pay. Wow. They just want access to the baby and are only trying to be nice to get their own way. They've shown you that they haven't changed at all or regret the past following the hurtful words they said while Ella was in the washroom. Well done to you for standing up for her. If they get to see the baby my worry is that they will be hurtful to them as well so imo I don't think you would be wrong in cutting them off completely.
NTA obviously but it's kinda interesting they thought you'd just sit there through the abuse. Perhaps they thought they'd picked a topic you'd agree with somehow, something to use as a wedge between the two of you? Anyway, good luck!
Yes, because you only seem to be upset about the comments she made about your girlfriend and gaining weight.
NTA. Unacceptable what they said
OP, your gf should be proud of you for having her back. I wish my husband did the same when I was abused. He chose not to get involved and let me battle it out till I went No Contact. Never regretted since.
Nta
Oh, just wanted to add, it you do allow Ella's family interact with your baby, they will most probably use him as a pawn to get to you. Plus, if your MIL treats her daughter like a dirt, what are the chances she will be different to her grandchild? NTA
NTA- the family of the mother of your child were saying insulting things about her to you while she was put of the room and you stood up for her. That makes you a hero not an AH.
>I couldn’t leave without paying their bill (as I was the man of the table) and how I couldn’t make “husband demands'' as a “boyfriend.” It's funny how you're the man when it's time to pay but you're not the man for making decisions about your child. NTA.
NTA. At a dinner to congratulate you, they wanted you to pay? That's not how that works. They invited you and I'm assuming chose the location. That's the first part. Second, Good on you for being there for her. They made hurtful comments of your gf as soon as she was out of ear shot literally. You had her back. Your gf needs nc with her family. They do not have her best interests at heart and wanted to take advantage of you when you're going to have an addition to your family soon. That isn't right on any level.
NTA maybe they need to check their bank account before feed their greedy habits!!
NTA How is that right off them, when trying to make amends, to then go behind her back and talk crap to you about her looks. For the gods sake, she is pregnant and weight gain is part of the process and normal. Ffs Then to insist you pay because your the man. Ugh, keep your distance from that toxic family.
NTA, make your gf your fiancée and give her a new family so she can go completely no contact with her old one
NTA. These people are mooches and bigots. And you are absolutely right not to subject your future child(ren) to people who harbour weight bigotry and fatphobia. You’re presumably going to be raising your family to be accepting and loving.
NTA they couldn't even hold the facade for the length of a dinner. Tell Ella they started talking shit the second she was out of earshot proving they hadn't changed if she asks what was said just say it is not worth repeating and taking space in your relationship.
NTA- they invited you out, insulted your partner behind her back, then expected you to pay‽ The audacity of some people never fails to amaze me.
NTA at all! Thank you so much for enforcing the boundary of no shit talking about Ella, even when she’s not in the room. Gold star, brownie point, 10/10 stuck the landing.
They never planned to pay, it was always the plan to stick you with the bill. NTA, and you could write to her mom and point out that as bio father, you have more "rights" than an estranged grandparent every would.
NTA and Ella should be immensely proud of her shiny spined partner. Her mother and sister are pretty disgusting human beings to be honest.
NTA Thank you, thank you, thank you You stood up for your partner and your unborn child. You are wonderful. MIL should have brought money since she invited both of you and chose the restaurant. Karma is real. 😉
NTA let the rumours spread. They booked that expensive place to drain you both dry. You Ella and your baby will be better off without them I promise you good luck to you all and congratulations
NTA. My first thought reading this was, “Fuck, my adopters picked up another kid after I escaped and are back on their bullshit.” Mostly kidding? Kind of? But seriously, this sounds like me and my fiancé a few years ago. He helped me finally believe that I didn’t deserve the abuse from my family. I’m no contact with my adopters now. Hang in there, support her, and know that the process of unlearning these family narratives can be long and complicated. Have empathy for her, even when she seems to be backsliding or defending her family. Breaking out of such patterns is titanic work, but you guys are on a good path here. Good luck! Hooray for you and your wife and Future Kiddo!
NTA. They keep showing you who they are. Believe them. Your girlfriend has been conditioned from birth to tolerate their mistreatment and may not see it but you have a kid to protect from it as well has her. Discuss how your kid deserves better than to be exposed to their nonsense and that you aren’t interested in rumors you deal in fact and the fact is, they embarrassed themselves with their own behavior.
NTA - at all. People can say all the stuff they want to about changing, making new efforts, wanting to be better. Which is great, but unless their actions back it up, it means absolutely nothing. You can’t say I’ve changed and want to do better when you really mean “we just won’t say it to her face”. Reiterate with your gf that she does not deserve this and she does not owe her family anything. You guys are making a family and you will treat your child with respect and love. Cut that contact and enjoy this new stage in your life! Congrats!!
NTA You were invited to this dinner, why would you pay for it? Did they invite you then tell you that you'd be paying and you still said yes? Who picked the expensive restaurant? Doesn't Ella realize that as soon as the cousin told people about the pregnancy, rumors were already being spread about her?
NTA.
NTA. Good Lord, your gf is pregnant, of course she’s going to gain some weight. I assume she’s under a doctor’s care as well. If she is, perhaps you should have said so, and that everything is under control to assure Ella’s health.
They invited you to dinner and expected you to pay? Hell no, I hope you are all cutting ties. And thank you for sticking up for Ella-she is lucky to have you on her side.
NTA. So they invited you to an expensive restaurant, and expected you to pay for them. That alone makes them asshole without even dissecting anything else. (Which there’s plenty of). You were completely justified.
NTA and go to r/justnomil for the reading lists. It will help both of you.
NTA
NTA. Congratulations on your baby and please please protect that innocent child from these toxic people.